#makes me cry irl tbh but in a good way

[lume-nosity]

JFDSJFLDSKJF LUME HAVE I EvER MENTIONED STRAIGHT UP HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON I ACTIVELY FOLLOWED AFTER MY FEW DaYS ON TUMBLR AND I WAS SO SCARED TO ASK TO BE YOUR MOOTIE BUT YOU WERE SO NICE AND I AM STILL TO THIS DAY SO HAPPY WHENEVER I GET A NOTIF SAYING THAT yOUVE SAID SOMETHING COMPLETLEY UNHEARD OF ABySYmAL IMPROBABLE AND PROBABLY SOCIALLY UNNACEPTABLE BUT I STILL LVOE YOU BECAUSE YOURE JUST BEING A SILLY GOOSE AND WE ARE ALL SILLY GOOSES ?!?!

this made me have the biggest smile ever and the day hasn’t even started yet.. that’s something. basically i just woke up and smiled really big :) it’s a good feeling but ahem. this’ll be quite long so bear with me.

MELONNNN MY SWEET FELLOW (NORMAL) XIAO SIMP LOVER I LOVE YOU TOO SOSOSOSO MUCH I’M SUPER GLAD I WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU ACTIVELY FOLLOW WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED HERE!! DON’T EVER BE SCARED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING, POP IN MY INBOX, OR WHATEVER ELSE BECAUSE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE IS MY FORTE (NOT IRL THOUGH THAT’S A GIVEN BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN)

I LOVE MAKING NEW MUTUALS SO NOOOO DON’T BE SCARED TO ASK IF YOU WANT TO BE MUTUALS WITH ME THIS GOES FOR ANYONE TOO BECAUSE I LIKE MEETING NEW PEOPLE HERE REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY STAND IN THEIR PLATFORM <3 JUST PICKING MUTUALS UP TO BE ONE OF MY CHILDREN PLATONICALLY BECAUSE SOME SEE ME AS A PARENTAL FIGURE (MAKES SENSE BECAUSE I’M OLD AND WRINKLING ALREADY MY INTELLIGENCE LEVELS ARE ACTIVELY DROPPING) OR JUST GOOD FRIENDS TO MESS AROUND WITH AND HAVE A GOOD TIME I SUPPOSE, SEE ME AS A PARENT, COOL, A NICE FRIEND, COOL, A TALENTED WRITER EVEN THOUGH I RARELY WRITE NOW, SURE YEAH, A CRAZY PERSON, FAIR, AND MORE

TO HEAR THAT I’M NICE AND ALL THAT JAZZ ESPECIALLY SEEING THAT PEOPLE ARE COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY WITH JUST A FEW WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH MAKES ME HAPPY AND GIDDY INSIDE THIS IS SOMETHING I REALLY NEED TO HEAR, ESPECIALLY THIS ASK, SO THANK YOU MAN!! I’M NICE I DON’T BITE I PROMISE THOSE WHO KNOW ME CAN VOUCH

IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN DURING YOUR TIME HERE BECAUSE I REMEMBER YOUR BLOG BEING GREEN AND CUTE AND ALL THAT! AND YOUR BLOG IS MORE ORGANIZED (MORE ORGANIZED THAN ME THAT’S FOR SURE) AND PRETTY AND COLORFUL AND YOUR WORKS GETTING A FEW NOTES BUT NOW YOU’RE GETTING THOUSANDS!! WHICH IS VERY MUCH DESERVED!!! LOVE YOUR WORK!!!! I FEEL LIKE A PROUD PARENT/MOM/DAD NGL IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE TO SEE MUTUALS GETTING THE LOVE AND ATTENTION THEY DESERVE FOR THEIR TALENTS

I KNOW I SAY THE MOST WILDEST, SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE, UNHEARD OF AND OTHER BIG WORDS THINGS AT TIMES (we love being silly) AND TO SEE SOMEONE BEING HAPPY OVER THEM IS JUST FHAHFHSGSDHSH???? WOOO SOMEONE ENJOYS SEEING ME BEING GOOFY AND OVERALL A MENACE TO SOCIETY LET’S GOOO

WE’RE ALL JUST SILLY GOOSES YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S THAT NICE FEELING OF SILLINESS THAT YOU CAN’T SEEM TO GET RID OF (IT HAS TAKEN OVER ME AS YOU CAN SEE)

ALSO I SEE THAT YOU WERE STUDYING THE OTHER DAY AND STRESSING OUT GOING APESHIT ABOUT IT I WOULD’VE MADE THAT COMMENT LONGER HAD I NOT BEEN IN SCHOOL AND THAT DUMBASS CHARACTER LIMIT (WOW LOOK AT ME BEING SNEAKY WITH IT, DON’T TRY THIS GUYS UNLESS YOUR SCHOOL IS CHILL) SO I CAN SAY IT HERE!!! #LUMESTUDYTIPSFRFR ANYONE CAN USE THEM

IF YOU’RE STUDYING, TAKE BREAKS FOR LIKE 10 OR 30 MINUTES MAX BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DO WHEN I STUDY FOR SO LONG! DON’TTT EVER STUDY FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WITHOUT BREAKS THAT’LL HURT YOU A LOT (TAKE IT FROM ME, DON’T DO THAT IT’S BAD. 2020 ME WAS STUPID)

EAT A LITTLE SNACK BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN AND STOMACH NEEDS SOME FOOD TO FEED OFF OF TO FUNCTION, A DRINK TO HYDRATE FROM IT CAN BE WATER JUICE OR WHATEVER AS LONG AS IT MAKES YOU HAPPY! MAYBE EVEN PLAY SOME LOFI OR A STUDY PLAYLIST IN THE BACKGROUND FOR A COMFORTING VIBE :3 IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING ON THE MATERIAL THERE ARE VIDEOS OUT THERE, INTERNET IS YOUR BEST FRIEND IN STUFF LIKE THIS, MY GO-TO IS ORGANIC CHEMISTRY TUTOR AND BRAINLY!

OH AND SLEEP. I KNOW PEOPLE SAY STUFF LIKE ‘haha i’m not sleeping this exam is important’ BUT NO. SLEEP IS ESSENTIAL AND LOSING THAT SAID AMOUNT OF SLEEP COULD AFFECT YOUR WORK ETHIC THE NEXT DAY, I DID THAT ONE TIME AND MAN WAS I OUT, SO GET SOME AMOUNT OF SLEEP IF YOU’RE ABLE TO IS WHAT I’M SAYING. IF IT’S A REALLY SERIOUS EXAM THAT YOU INSIST YOU HAVE TO STAY UP FOR THEN I USUALLY TAKE A NAP AS SOON AS I GET HOME IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT TIME. THEN AGAIN, WHAT TIME YOU SLEEP IS THE TIME YOU SLEEP AND I CAN’T CONTROL THAT, I WAS JUST A LITTLE WORRIED IS ALL

SO UH YEAH THAT’S ALL I WANTED TO SAY IN THAT COMMENT! (IF YOU WERE WILLING TO READ ALL OF THAT LMFOSJFIE I WOULD WRITE MORE BUT I WON’T BORE YOU OUT AND SOUND LIKE A NERD) I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY AND AFTER THAT AND AFTER THAT AND WHENEVER THE DAYS PASS BECAUSE IT’LL GET REPETITIVE AND HAVE I WISH YOU A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF GOOD LUCK (YES YOU GET TO HAVE A SHIT TON OF LUCK NOW BECAUSE I BLESSED YOU NOW SO ENJOY THAT, I’M APPARENTLY THE EMBODIMENT OF GACHA LUCK AND NORMAL LUCK SO YEAH YOU’RE VERY WELCOME) LOVE YOU MAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF 🫶✨

[kiss-me-muchoo]

𝐖𝐞’𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲… || 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠!𝐂𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐮𝐬𝐒𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲_ As a punishment for helping Coriolanus to cheat on the games, you’re sent to serve as a nurse in District 12 for the summer. He had to choose between Lucy Gray and you. He just needed a reason to pick you, luckily the songbird gave him one in time before you were gone. 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬_ evil nurse!reader x peacekeeper!Coryo, very slight canon divergence, jealousy, sexism, stalking, nudity, reader is a little crazy and evil, you can’t trust her feelings, angst, beef with Lucy Gray (I <3 her irl), blowjob lol, buzzcut!Coryo fucks reader in the lake so MDNI 18+, this is so fucked up tbh. 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞_ reader is mentally unreliable. Song of course is liability, I know it won’t work, Will you cry? And buzzcut season lol. All in my playlist, It’s the worst and will disappoint you.

♪ ♫ The worst playlist 4 Coriolanus Snow ✰ Index (+ fics here)

____________________________________________

You’ve made big mistakes.

You accept it looking at the lake, ripping the delicate petals of a wildflower. Having to say goodbye to your summer vacations after graduation was fair. Your parents convinced Dr.Gaul to have some mercy on you. You wanted to die when they convinced her that you did it because you were a girl in love. You helped Coriolanus to find the aisle where the snake's tank was going to be picked up.

You were so in love that you only wanted to help your lover. Coriolanus was far from being your lover. You heard him countless times making fun of you. And you still helped him because your good heart wanted to see him winning the prize.

And what did you get? Serving as a nurse in the worst district for the whole summer.

It’s been two weeks. And the only good thing is the evening, where you like to kill time alone, in the silent woods. The moment to breathe and realize how naïve you had been. You deal with the damage Coriolanus had done to you. And the worst part is that he couldn’t care less. He only had eyes for his songbird after all.

And that’s what boiled your blood. That it was her and not you.

There’s already a little pile of dry flowers around you, from all the previous days you were at the same position as now. The days passed and you weren’t ready to let go. You needed to find a way to forget about him. “Damn it…” you whisper, cringing at all the memories, rage invading you, violently throwing the flower in your hands and wiping away the tears.

When you return to the medical aisle, you need to pass by the military camp. You were obviously a Capitol girl. Anyone with a golden watch and lip tint was. Since day one, many peacekeepers have asked you out. They wanted to spend the night with you. But you weren’t in the mood to lose your virginity yet. You were stressed, angry, embarrassed, but you tried to put your best face.

“Y/N! IS THAT YOU?” You turn confused. Only to find Sejanus Plinth. It genuinely made you smile seeing him.

“Sejanus? What are you doing here?” You ask for a hug. His hair had to be gone, he had the peacekeeper uniform. You were extremely confused.

“The real question is what are you doing here?” You roll your eyes.

“Coriolanus. He cheated on the games.” He sighs, nodding.

“I know. He’s here too.” Your eyes widen. He notices you are uncomfortable.

“Well, I helped him, and Dr. Gaul punished me to serve here for the summer” Sejanus seems surprised to hear it. He sees your nurse uniform, noticing the silver plaque attached in your chest. He knew women of the military with that plaque were on a higher range. In your case, probably because your father paid for you to have some commodities.

“At least you’re here” you add.

Sejanus knew you weren’t on good terms with Coryo. The boy asked for you on the train. But Sejanus hadn’t heard from you. Which apparently left Coriolanus slightly disappointed.

“Yeah. I’m here… we’ll have a good time. Promise” honestly, you were relieved to see him. But just by remembering that Coriolanus was also near you, it made you wish you were still alone.

“Any plans for tonight?” He asks, smiling.

You only had three friends. All girls from District 1 and 2. They were serving just because they were kind and wanted higher chances to get into University. They comforted you and Fridays were for two things. Going to the most famous bar, where Lucy Gray performed. Or going to a secret and elegant club for people with enough status.

“On downtown’s Main Street. A block to the left, the second alley. Tell the guy at the entrance you know me. Use my full name” your friend giggles, slowly moving away.

“You’re unbelievable” as you go back to your private room with your new friends. You can only think of how to avoid encountering Coriolanus for the rest of the summer.

It was enough for him. You wouldn’t even breathe near him. It was you, always offering subtle love. And he gave nothing back.

…

Lucy Gray was such a warm and sweet girl. Her dress with flowers and detailed boots added something to her performance.

Her voice was hypnotizing, her smile so pure and her hair so soft. It was the third night Coriolanus watched her perform. He smiled, drinking something. It was a humble bar, but the most famous one. He looked around looking for Sejanus. Last night he never appeared either. Coriolanus was growing worried, noticing his friend was starting to contemplate rebellious acts to help the people. Always trying to be the hero. As Lucy Gray finished her song, Sejanus appeared. A big smile on his face.

“Where have you been?” The blonde asked.

“You have to promise me you won’t freak out” Coriolanus rolled his eyes.

“Y/n was punished for helping you to cheat. Gaul sent her here to serve as a nurse for the summer.” His eyes almost popped out.

He had completely forgotten about you. He cringed, already expecting to have you all over him.

“Does she know I’m here?” Sejanus nodded.

“Yeah. She wasn’t happy when I mentioned you.” Coriolanus suddenly remembered that the last time he talked to you, you cursed him. You got mad after he didn't even offer a thank you for your help. Coriolanus realized at that moment that you hoped he would choose you over Lucy Gray. Which didn’t happen.

“She has access to the club reserved for high status military personnel. I won’t say this is bad but there is better…” he looks at his songbird. Everyone cheered for her, but…

Suddenly, Coriolanus doesn't like that Sejanus had spent last night partying with you.

“Take me there.” He says, looking at his friend.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. She stated very clearly that-“

“Sejanus… I need to see her. I won’t cause any disturbance.” After a minute of debating, Sejanus stands up and tilts his head, telling Coriolanus to get out of the bar.

It’s a fair distance. Coriolanus has no idea where he is going. Until the end of an alley seems to have some hallway that irradiates red lights.

“Here it is.” Sejanus points out.

There’s a man with a different peacekeeper uniform. He asks Sejanus who invited him.

Coriolanus hears your full name for the first time. He learns you have two names and two last names. At the Academy you only used one of each.

“How do you know her full name?” He asks Sejanus when the man lets them inside the place.

The red lights start changing, mixing with crystal chandeliers and velvet walls.

“Our parents have made some deals in the past.” Coriolanus wants to know more. He needs more details about how you ended up in the same place as him. He doesn’t think you also paid to change districts like him.

“Hey. Whatever you plan to say to her, apologize to her. She’s a girl a million would pay to have. She just wanted to help you, Coryo” he doesn’t know how to take Sejanus. He sure sounded like always, the friend trying to give advice. But he also sounded… like he was one of the millions who would pay to have you. Coriolanus didn’t feel pleased.

Finally, the place is crowded. And the people inside look different than the ones at the bar. These people looked very clean and elegant to be in District 12.

The music is live jazz, the smell of pure tobacco and laughs everywhere. Coriolanus feels like he fits there. And he promises to talk with Lucy Gray the next day. After he left the bar she would ask where he did go.

But for now, his eyes start searching for you. A man in a suit that looked very Capitol started talking. Daring all the beautiful women there to dance, promising to crown one as the star of the night.

He hears a group of females laughing. And when he spots the group, you are being pushed to the dance floor.

Since Sejanus is nowhere to be found, Coriolanus makes his way closer to you.

He sees your natural hair down and wavy. Cranberry lips and gentle purple eyeliner around your eyes. A simple mauve dress, and he almost chokes about it.

Tigris made that dress. You asked her one day at the Academy. If she could make a dress from elegant fabric. Tigris said that she didn’t have enough to make a full gown. You didn’t care, you just hoped she could do something.

Coriolanus remembered Tigris making the dress late one night. And he tolerated you even less for making his cousin work harder. That was long forgotten when you paid her and referenced her to work with a friend of your mother.

You looked totally different. Not the same annoying material girl he knew at the Capitol. This humble version of you was totally attractive to Coriolanus.

He couldn’t tell if you were dancing tap, swing or something else, but you were good at it. A couple of times, he heard you talking with Clemensia and Arachne, about your winter concert or rehearsals. Now, it was evident you were good at dancing.

You laugh and people cheer for you. Mostly men, which for some reason makes Coriolanus tense his jaw.

The mauve fabric shined disguised under the chandeliers, and maybe it was just the sight of seeing you happy, or the way the dress hugged your body. But it made him smile. For the first time, Coriolanus feels a positive feeling about seeing you. He wants to talk to you. But he isn’t sure what he’ll say. So he opts to just see you for the night. He can see a slight layer of sweat on your forehead after two songs have passed. The crowd seemed to want you to win. And it only makes you more eager to do so.

In your head, this was a big distraction. It was the only moment of the week where you felt happy and free. It makes you forget about your pending University admission and all the drama. About your silly actions and disappointments.

The way your friends cheer and joke about making a bet to see who’d win between you and the other girl left. You really are having fun.

Until the remaining girl surrenders. It feels great. Being crowned as the star of the night, leaving the dance floor with so much admiration and looking over you.

Coriolanus sees how you cheer with your friends. You laugh and he swore he had never seen you smile and laugh so much. Maybe you are a little tipsy. He can’t tell, but after some minutes, one of your friends leaves with a man. The other two stay drinking, and you say your goodbyes.

Your dark coat covers everything once you’re ready to leave. And Coriolanus knows he shouldn’t, but he does it anyway. He starts following you.

Internally, he claims he did it because he thought it wasn’t safe for you to go back to the medical aisle in the middle of the night.

It’s not a long way. And Coriolanus notices how close his bed is to yours, literally.

He feels like an animal, following his prey. Only that he doesn’t intend to hurt you. Not more than he already had.

His legs act by themselves it seems. He keeps venturing into the decent building. It’s lonely and dark. Coriolanus notices that probably many nurses were already sleeping. He sees you enter a room, and he memorizes the number. Seconds later, when he’s about to leave, you come out again. A towel in your hand…

It’s his cue to leave. He knows it’s enough. He never should have followed you. Not when he was supposed to be listening to Lucy Gray and The Covey. Not when he paid to serve in District 12 for Lucy Gray.

But it’s too late because he’s already poking his head, and when his eyes meet your body, your coat and dress are on the floor. In a bench near lays a simple but naughty red pair of panties. Coriolanus feels himself getting red at the sight of the underwear, just red, no details, just red. Red like his cheeks, you are naked, under the spray of the shower.

As you’re supposed to be a person he barely tolerates, Coriolanus hates himself for admitting how beautiful you were.

The water coats your body in a gorgeous way. He sees your hair become slightly darker and falls longer across your back.

The shower smells like some summer fruit and it’s all because of your silly shampoo. Coriolanus had seen it before at the Capitol, it was expensive.

Something changes as you massage your scalp, giving Coriolanus a view of your soft and pretty stomach. Your breasts and some moles that are visible are the death of the man. He shouldn’t want to hold your waist and help you clean your body. He shouldn’t want to kiss every birthmark and mole covering you.

It’s the first time he sees a woman naked.

That night, you happily go to bed, soothing the heat wave. Some weight falls from your shoulders. And for the first time, you feel like everything was meant to happen, and it’s okay.

For Coriolanus, he has to touch himself to forget about your naked silhouette haunting his dirty mind. And when he ends, he takes a cold shower and falls into the tiny uncomfortable lower bunk. Sejanus was snoring already, some bunks without a host, probably still at the bars or sleeping with a lover.

Coriolanus is ready to sleep and pretend nothing happens. He would go back to his soft songbird by the morning.

But it doesn’t work. He knows he’s so messed up. Because you are still there, and not only your naked body. Your natural hair, sweet lips and the way you smiled, danced and laughed are there too.

…

When the sun rose, it was imminent that it was going to be a hotter day. The summer in district 12 was bright. Full of light, and green from nature in the surrounding woods. That’s not necessarily the case in the medical aisle. You woke up at 5:00 am to start your shift. Your soft hands had been classifying medicines through shelves.

“Y/n” calls one of your friends from the entrance of the storage room. She giggles after seeing you on top of the stairs, holding onto your dear life.

“Need help?” You smile, shaking your head.

“I’m okay, thanks. What happened?”

“There’s a telegram for you at the mailbox” was unusual. Only your mother called once to see how you were doing. She was still very mad at you.

“Oh, okay. I’ll go now…” with that, you hop off the stairs and leave the little box with remaining bottles on a desk.

After a minute of going downstairs in the building, you get to the mailbox. You give your name to the elder woman in the office and she hands you a cream envelope.

Making a pause in the hallway full of lockers for peacekeepers waiting for mail you open your own.

[The head of the hospital has shared with us you’re doing an outstanding job. This is what we expect from you after your return to the Capitol. Keep going and we might pull some strings to get you back earlier.

Take care, dad.]

You smile. It was enough for you. The anger was undeniably lowering. And going back to the Capitol would make you very happy. Already contemplating the perfect lie. That you went to serve as a nurse for charity, for your kind heart. Everyone would believe you, and the girls would be jealous of your bravery. Nobody would know it was a punishment.

A punishment caused by the man you had just bumped into.

He picks you the open envelope and once he hands it, he sees you.

“Y/n…” you take the envelope from his hand, avoiding the touch.

“Coriolanus” with less makeup than two nights ago, you look even more beautiful he believes. The white nurse cap was so silly, but it was part of your uniform. But he can’t help but blush after remembering how the water fell across your body. And how he touched himself that night.

“I-…Sejanus told me you were here.” Your eyebrows rise, nodding with disinterest.

“Yeah, I’m here because of you.” He sighs, realizing that his friend was right, you were really disappointed to see him.

“This isn’t what I wanted for you.” You roll your eyes. Already sick of wasting your time for him. You had been so scared to encounter him one day. But that you had him facing you, you couldn’t care less.

“Of course. Because you couldn’t care less about me…” he wants to say he actually cares. But the truth is, that before the night he saw you at the bar, he didn’t even remember you. But now, it was like you had put on a spell on him, making him want to know everything about you.

“Just stay away from sight of view and everything is going to be okay” he was shocked to hear you talk to him with much indifference. He was used to your sweet voice, asking him every morning how he was doing at the entrance of the classroom.

You were always at his feet. Helping him and doing everything so he would look down at you. And now, he actually was looking up, seeing how you went upstairs again. And he would do exactly the opposite of what you asked.

He would be everywhere if it meant seeing you again.

…

The bittersweet feeling of seeing Coriolanus stayed the whole afternoon until you finished your shift at 6:00pm. The heat was barely tolerable when the sun was almost gone. You went to the market, as you had promised to cook dinner for the girls that night.

The vegetables were fresh and there was a lot to pick. You carried a little basket filled with carrots, some potatoes and a piece of raw meat carefully folded. You were looking at some pair of earrings. They were handmade. With blue feathers and some tiny pieces of quartz. You smiled looking at them. When you were about to tell the little girl who was selling them, you felt very deep looks. And when you turn to the left, there is Lucy Gray and some of her friends from the band. She was sixteen, you were almost nineteen, you couldn’t pick a fight with her. She could hate you for being Capitol, for being such a bad mentor at the games. But maybe she didn’t knew that thanks to you she was alive. And the most important, she couldn’t hate you because of a man.

Before you can even feel awkward, you had already left the earrings and walked towards the girl.

“Is there anything I did to upset you, Lucy Gray? Because as far as I know we don’t know each other” that was the truth. You had your own motives to dislike her. But you hadn’t even turned to look at her. Unlike the songbird, who didn’t have a problem showing her disapproval of you with her face.

“Did you follow him here too?” You smiled. You didn’t know what Coriolanus had told her, or what she suggested on her own. Based on what happened, probably Lucy Gray believed you were the crazy stalker who couldn’t let go of Coriolanus Snow and his unrequited feelings for you.

“No. I was already here weeks before he arrived.” You simply answer her by looking at the notebooks in the table beside you. Lucy Gray couldn’t be jealous, but she had a bad omen about you.

“I was blinded by him once, just like you now. I helped him so you could win. Hoped he could choose me. And it wasn’t enough. He’s not the boy you think he is, Lucy Gray. You don’t know him like I do. But you can rest knowing I won’t lift a finger to make him notice me anymore” she seems surprised by your answer. But there’s no time for her to throw a rebuttal because you’re gone. Her friends gossip without her, saying how mean you were.

And Coriolanus had seen everything from a hidden corner. He was looking for Lucy Gray, already growing confused. Your words had gotten deep into his mind. While Lucy Gray was the sweetest girl he ever met, she also confused him. She had a rebellious side that he didn’t like. And you, he knew he would never be able to control you now, but he knew you would easily do the same things he did to win.

He stayed far, letting Lucy Gray to pass by with her friends. And when she was gone, out of the market, he came out.

He grabbed the same earrings you were looking at before.

…

It’s another night at the private bar. This time you know Coriolanus is there. He had the audacity to bring Lucy Gray. And you wonder if it was a good idea to tell Sejanus about the bar. Her green dress didn’t match the bar style. However, you ignore them as soon as your friends tell you they befriended a high standard peacekeeper. He had some handsome friends and they made you completely forget about Coriolanus and her songbird. You grew invested in the conversation with the men and your friends, even when one of girls makes fun of Lucy Gray and her visit to the secret bar.

Coriolanus keeps painfully turning to look at your way. He wants to go and get you out of the bar. But he already had a girl beside him. A much younger and innocent one. His anger escalates when a man takes you out to dance. You giggle as he says something in your ear. You had a pretty ruffled pink dress. Red lipstick and matching shoes.

“She looks happy…” Lucy Gray says, also looking at you.

“She isn’t happy. And that’s just an idiot” he spits pointing at the handsome peacekeeper dancing with you. He shouldn’t have said that, especially in front of Lucy Gray. But the way the man twisted you like a piece of the softest fabric, and the way he singed for you, it was taking over him.

It’s his hands that should be holding your hips. It’s his voice that should be making you dance. But Lucy Gray grabs his chin and offers him a sweet smile that makes him get lost on her brown eyes. She’s too good for him.

As he kisses her, he still feels the anger. Cause’ it should be you.

…

The roles had switched up. Coriolanus was infatuated by you. And now, you ignored him as if you never ever thought he was the love of your life.

Maybe is his hair, now short. Or maybe it is that deep sight he always has on you. The sweet boy that didn’t look on your way was gone.

As the days passed, you could feel the air changing. Telling you that your punishment would soon be over.

You flip through the pages, tons of files in the racks perfectly accommodated in the room. You read about all the frauds and corruption of the hospital and the military aisle. Enough to make you a dangerous target. So as soon as the headmistress nurse knows you have a long secret file in your memory, he gives you easy jobs.

And the dirty ones too.

Coriolanus follows you. Thought the archives rooms to the cold storage. He sees how there’s a tray ready to go. Some needles ready to pinch someone. And then you are changing the yellow liquid inside the injections, your face mask covering the small grin on your face. It makes him slightly shocked. He didn’t think you would be capable of doing such a thing. Some rumors flew across the militar camp. About a deal, between the heads of the hospital and the camp. Where they would secretly get rid of sick people from the district to stop wasting expensive medicines and other products.

But you hand the tray with an innocent smile.

And he grows worried. He can’t believe it, but he fears you could end up dead because of your little tricks. You leave early. So, he gains some confidence to follow you. He needs answers. He’s tired of following you to beg for your attention. It’s his lucky day that you chose to take the little trail that crossed the resting cabins of the peacekeepers. You walk past his cabin and his brain makes him walk faster, grab your forearm and push you inside it.

“What the hell?” You ask, startled. Looking at Coriolanus in shock.

The bunks are empty. Everyone is out.

“What were you doing? Switching the shots? You could get hanged or something else!” Suddenly you’re confused, questioning why he was caring now.

“There’s a lot more going on in the hospital than you could ever know, Coriolanus.” He understands it. And he isn’t surprised after all. Injustice happened everywhere.

But he wouldn’t easily let go.

“You could still get in trouble. Who’s making you do this?” You sigh frustrated, shrugging.

“Why do you care so much? Why can’t you leave me alone for once?” As you raise your voice, he grows impatient.

“I DO CARE ABOUT YOU!” Your silence makes him step closer.

“Seeing you dancing with that man, how he grabbed you, it boiled my blood.” Suddenly you feel nervous about his proximity.

And the cheeky asshole decided to step even closer.

“That shouldn’t be a problem for you” you do your best to keep the visual contact. But the way he’s looking at you is making it difficult. Especially after his lips are literally brushing your cheekbone.

“You are the one I desire.” He smashes his lips with yours. Honestly, you believe him. But it isn’t enough to make your heartbeats for him.

“Did you let that man touch you after you left?” You giggle, letting him wander under your nurse apron.

“My virginity is part of my pride and dignity” you answer, kissing his neck, letting his sneaky hands touch you everywhere. His right hand gropes your breast and the other is trying to hold the fat of your hip and ass like a starved man.

Your brain can’t work for some minutes. But you kiss him back. You decide he wouldn’t puppet you. Never again.

As he devours your lips, confirming you gave the softest kisses, yet passionate. You push him gently towards a random bed. And slowly, you get on your knees, dropping your nurse cap and navy blue cape to the floor.

Coriolanus is officially in shock as you drop his belt to the floor.

When he least expects it, you are already licking the tip of his cock. You make a wet mess of him. His head drops back, letting you do whatever you want.

He’s in heaven. Of course, you weren’t the most experienced but to be a virgin, you were quite an addictive lover.

In your head, you just can think about giving him pleasure. Your twisted plan would be effective as soon as he exploded. You put much effort in sucking and licking every vein of him. His length did not disappoint, and you mentally cursed as you realized he could’ve been your first time.

Coriolanus knows damn well it is over for him when his eyes meet yours. His tip met the back of your throat, and he ended up spilling his hot seed inside your mouth. You show him your tongue, covered in white, only to swallow everything. He gulps, feeling the remaining spasms of his orgasm.

“You’ll be the death of me…” he admits, taking a long breath.

As for you, you know it’s just a matter of time. If Coriolanus was so invested in making you look at him now, you would give him more reasons until he broke and admitted he couldn’t live without you.

So you clean your messy lipstick. Your nurse cap and navy cape perfectly in place and you look gorgeous in a mirror near the door.

“If anyone asks where I was, you say I went to drop some letters.” After that you don’t nothing else. He tucks himself inside his pants and stands quickly.

“Wait-” but you had already left.

…

In the night, Coriolanus starts looking out for Sejanus. He was going to ask if he wanted to go to the bar to see Lucy Gray. But he couldn’t find him. He feels his forehead sweating even in the middle of the night.

Near a little training center, he hears two recognizable voices. And when he turns into a little hallway, he sees you arguing with Sejanus.

“No, I’m not defending the Capitol, but these people are not worth risking your life, Sejanus” it’s the first thing he hears from you.

“They deserve better luck, y/n. Something we were born with.” Coriolanus sees you huffing, arms crossed as the slight wind makes your uniform cape lift.

“What’s going on?…” the blonde asks. You turn and sigh, expecting Sejanus to explain. You like to think Coriolanus would make Sejanus to think clearly. Like he did before.

There’s only silence.

“You won't tell him? I will…” you turn to Coriolanus. He can feel you are angry; you disapprove whatever it was happening with Sejanus.

“He’s helping some rebels.” Sejanus only looks down.

“They’re not rebels.”

“Well, they’re definitely not on the right track. And helping them will only lead to trouble.”

“Why are you doing this?” Coriolanus joins. He sounds tired, immediately remembering how he had to literally fight in the Hunger Games to save him.

“They are suffering. They don’t have anyone.” Sejanus replies.

“If you weren’t helping them, they would put a bullet in your head before you could even blink. They are not worth risking your life, Sejanus. I don’t want to see you hanged.”

“I appreciate your worries, y/n. I really do. But this is the least I can do after all the things my parents have aligned for me.” Your eyes water. Even after all the horrible you have done at the Capitol, as a nurse, you cared for Sejanus and Coriolanus. You might have been playing a game of manipulation with Coriolanus, but if he ended up in a mess that threatened his life, you would fear. The same for Sejanus.

“Sejanus…” Coriolanus felt slightly bad after seeing you at the verge of tears. He knew behind that new mask of indifference you were very soft.

“If something happens to you, I’m gonna live mad at you for the rest of my life. Life made us end up here for him…” you say pointing at Coriolanus.

And it’s true, you were sent to the 12 for punishment. Sejanus literally followed him just because.

“That’s enough penitence.” Feeling the tears flow, you start walking away.

Sejanus also feels wrong. But he’s confident. Both men stare at you, and different thoughts run through their heads.

“If anything happens, Coryo… Take good care of her.” Coriolanus looks at his friend.

He thinks you deserve more. He finally accepts there’s more to win by your side rather than following the songbird. Yet, he couldn’t push away Lucy Gray yet.

“I’ll take care of her, Sejanus.”

…

You don’t see the boys for the next two days. Until the night. When for emergency protocol you had to work. A fight in the bar caused some injuries to many men. So, there you are at 1:00 am sending gazes and bottles of alcohol. And when you are about to clean your own space, after a knock on your door, you see Coriolanus and Lucy Gray.

Unbelievable.

“What happened?” You ask as soon as you see him properly. The tray on your hands falls to the ground, making a loud sound. There’s blood on his face, a dark splotch on the right side of his nose. Beside him is Lucy Gray. Wearing one her bohemian dresses with her rural touch of always. You go to inspect his face.

“Got into a fight.” Coriolanus explains. You frown, thinking that is very ignorant and low. Completely disappointed of him for joining the cause.

“You got into the fight? Why?” He sighs, and Lucy Gray only huffs, helping him to sit on a bench. You ignore her, proceeding to take some cotton and equipment to stitch the little wound on his cheekbone. Your fingers are cold, and make him squirm as soon as they touch him.

“Some guy. He got violent after harassing her” of course it had to be for Lucy Gray all the commotion. Everything makes sense, the fight at the bar you listened to less than an hour ago. The songbird must’ve performed, and someone made a mess.

You can’t feel bad for her. While half of the district loved her, there was a considerable amount of people who disliked her, rumors saying she carried problems wherever she went.

“Hmm.” you have a lot to say, but you won’t spit everything at once. Coriolanus sighed, pretending it was because the alcohol was touching his skin, but it was because you weren’t pleased.

Even in his exile, he was between two women again. And while he couldn’t push away Lucy Gray, he couldn’t let you go too.

“Can you give us a moment, Lucy Gray?” he asks calmly. And maybe her reaction wasn’t meant to, but she showed that it made her uncomfortable.

“Sure. I’ll wait outside…” awkwardly she made a smile to the man seated in front of you and left.

Silence took over. You continued to clean the wound, and his deep blue eyes were locked on your face.

Finally, he was able to see your real beauty. Bare amounts of makeup. Hair down and short nails. No crazy looks, ridiculous hairstyles and cat nails. This was the real you.

“I didn’t start the fight…” he started.

“But of course, it had to be for her.” you finish for him. Again, he sighs, trying to avoid any possible irritation.

“It wasn’t her fault what happened.”

“Oh my god. Just listen to yourself! … Everything is her fault!” You burst after finishing with the needle.

“Why do you hate her so much?” He asks irritatedly, shrugging and expecting you to answer soon.

“I don’t hate her. I couldn’t care less for that poor girl. But she’s the reason why you got so obsessed with winning the damn prize. She’s the reason why you cheated and she’s the reason why you’re exiled, and I’m punished” he knows it’s true. In a matter of weeks, Coriolanus repeatedly questioned why Lucy Gray. And until two weeks ago, when he started questioning why not you.

Coriolanus smirks. Finding a way to evade a deeper conversation. He wasn't ready for the time to come where he had to decide. Lucy Gray or you.

“You sound like you’re jealous” he actually thought you would deny it.

“Of course it makes me jealous, Coriolanus!”

His smile fades away. You curse under your breath, moving aside to pick up the nursing equipment. There was no way back, and you wouldn’t lie.

“Ever since I met you, I wanted you to like me. And all I received were mean looks and judgmental jokes. About my hair, my lipstick, my dress, everything” you admit, sounding a little hurt.

“And this girl comes, and in less than two months she has you doing the impossible for her” you mumble. Coriolanus was never the romantic type. He was a man of few words and very analytical. He wasn’t a fan of the districts, so you wondered what could possibly be the reason for him to get obsessed with the songbird.

“Do you love her?” For you, it was a simple question. You always faced your feelings. But for Coriolanus, he tended to avoid his feelings.

He looked at the ground, at your boots before looking up at you.

“Why are you making this so complicated?” He asks, in hopes to avoid the real question.

“You won’t have both girls, Coriolanus.” When you come back at him, he stares directly at his view, at your waist. He focuses on the details of the grey and white fabric decorating you. There’s a tiny spot of blood near your breast, and some dirt near where he thought it was your belly button.

For sure, he knows he won’t have both girls.

“And as much as she tries to make you fit in. You don’t belong here. You and I were educated to live in The Capitol.” He’s well aware that with Lucy Gray, he would be pursuing a humble peaceful life. With you, he would be pursuing a luxurious and firm life.

The harder you are pushing his buttons, the harder you’re manipulating him. You trace his chin and neck, fingers grasping his silver chain. And you know he’s getting soft, vulnerable for your touch.

Maybe he changed his perspective of you after seeing you dance. After seeing you naked in the showers. After realising the type of woman you were.

“I would love to see when realization hits you. You’ll see that she only used you. You’ll notice that I was on your side and could’ve been for the rest of my life” his jaw tenses. He looks you in the eye again. You smile, thumb on his lower lip.

“And pretend as much as you can, selling me that face of I don’t care about you. But I know you do; you’re just blinded by the songbird. Count the days till she uses her singing against you. It’ll be too late.”

He hates losing, missing things. And you know it.

“She makes me want to be someone better.” His best attempt to soothe you makes you laugh.

“The summer will be over, and I’ll leave. She won’t inspire you to grow. She will make you lay still. I’ll be at the top of the Capitol again. And you couldn’t make your house rise…” that hit him in his pride. The fact that your words were true. He thought about Tigris and his grandmother. They deserved better.

“I want you to be someone better. And yet, you’re here. Without the prize, without being home. Just picture it… Where would you be if you had chosen me?” He really wanted to choose you. He just needed a fucking reason. But once again, you have disappeared.

…

He cared. But he cared more for himself.

That doesn't make him feel better though. He had doomed Sejanus Plinth by recording his words.

He couldn’t sleep, knowing that anything could happen the following morning. He has a tiny brown bag in his hand, clutched as if it was made of pure gold. He can’t wait, and he can’t sleep. So, he sneaks out of the camp and goes to your room. He needed to see you, he needed to choose you. That would mean leaving. Concentrating on you and his family. Pursuing the Capitol’s type of future, away from the country life.

Your friends were about to leave to go to the secret bar. And they tell him you were gone to the lake. It makes him realize how much you had to be overthinking. Just by seeing you, anyone could tell you weren’t from the districts. Spending the night in the lake wasn’t pleasant at all. With animals, mosquitoes, and the humid heat of the woods.

But he walks in the darkness. Hearing some crickets and frogs that guide him to the little visible light at the end of the trial. The more he walks towards it, the more he can distinguish you.

There you are sitting over a blanket. Reading a book, wearing a long pastel nightgown. The sight makes him smile.

He steps over a branch and makes you turn worried. But as soon as you spot him, you sigh, closing the book.

“What are you doing here?” You ask.

“I could ask the same question. It’s nearly midnight.” He sits beside you on the blanket, you only shrug, facing away from him, looking at the barely noticeable reflect of the lake under the moon.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither” there’s a lot of things he wants to say, you want to scream it too.

“I wanted to give you this…” he hands you the brown bag. Frowning, you take it, your fingers brushing his, but you opt to ignore it.

When you dig your hands inside, you feel something soft. And when you see what’s inside, you can’t help but cheekily smile.

It’s the feather earrings you wanted at the market. He probably collected the least he could to pay for them. Or maybe he traded something. It’s uncertain, but you can’t deny it warmed your heart a little.

“You saw me?” He nods, watching how you cautiously caressed the pair.

“Then you must’ve heard me too…” Coriolanus heard it. But he would pretend the opposite. Just to avoid the question.

“I didn’t. I was passing by when you were looking at them. What happened?” You tilt your head, putting the earrings on.

“Your songbird is jealous of me… Does she know about the good time we had the other day?” He blushes, closing his eyes out of embarrassment.

“How do I look?” When he opens his eyes, he sees you have the earrings on. The blue feathers looked very outstanding in the middle of the dark. The light you brought did not make any justice to the beauty of your face. Barely highlighting your eyes and lips.

“You look beautiful…” there’s something on your mind. You want to ask so badly. And while you could pry about his thoughts of your new appearance, you don’t. Your voice slightly trembling as you start speaking.

“Did you and Sejanus have anything to do with the death of the daughter of the mayor and the boyfriend?” He closes his eyes.

“No.”

“Coriolanus Snow… Do not lie to me.” his arms come to rest on his bent knees. And you know the truth through his breathing.

“Sejanus went too far. I wanted to keep him alive” you sigh, feeling already stressed. Panic invades you, fearing for both boys.

“What if this is just what you two needed to end up in real trouble?” He looks at you, and he wants to kiss you so badly. He wanted a hug from you. He wanted you to love him like he knew you did during the Academy days. Just to feel some sense of normality. That this isn’t what his life turned out to…

“What if he gets killed. What if you get killed?”

“It won’t happen. It’ll be okay” your nails were going to suffer from anxiety. But he places a hand on your bare shoulder, calming you.

“Why can’t you give me a rest, Coriolanus?” He knows what you mean, and it makes his heart grow soft.

“Honestly. Before the games I barely tolerated you. But after seeing you here and everything that happened, you’re right. I can’t have both girls.” It makes you weak.

“What made you look at me? Why now?” He sighs.

Firstly, it was pure lust, your body. But at this point, he knew he could potentially end up alone. And he refused to let go of the person he had won since the beginning.

“Because I wasn't able to appreciate that I had you. And… I don’t want to be alone.” You nod, analyzing his words.

“But you have her. Since when is she not enough?” Coriolanus had to accept how analytical you were. He can be honest and be in peace with you or lie and keep fighting for you.

“I don’t think she’s ever been enough. We don’t have much in common. Just that we are orphans… if she never came along… I swear I know I would have ended up by your side.” You think you understand him. He just realized what he lost. And now he was trapped to decide. However, you were not going to give your heart again. Only time or a life-or-death situation would make you admit you still loved him.

“I said it before, I’ll repeat it again. I won’t be here forever…” he leaned closer. His hand caressing your chin, appreciating how soft your skin was. He wanted to crown your head with flowers and promise he was yours. Just not yet.

“I know…” his nose brushes yours, the tension grows and this time, you are the one closing distance to kiss him. You are so close to winning, to have him begging for you.

That night, he keeps kissing you, you read him your book for a bit and before realising it, both of you end up sleeping on the blanket.

In the morning, he finds you undressing to take a quick splash in the lake.

When you realize he’s awake, you smile at him.

“Morning…” like a slow striptease, you let the nightgown fall and he just stares at your body with the first rays of sun illuminating you.

“I don’t think this is a dream. Right?” You chuckle before your body disappears under the water.

It’s the perfect invitation. He joins you, and the first minutes of his morning are spent kissing you. Only to end up in the same blanket both of you slept on. With him on top of you.

“Tell me to stop now.” He says in your mouth. Your leg slowly slides through his ankle, sending shivers through his spine.

“I think it’s too late for that.”

He returns you the favor. His head between your legs is the most erotic thing he’s ever heard or seen in his life. It’s so dirty, eating you out in the middle of the wild. You taste better than expected, and it feels simple, even natural to please you. He can see how your back arches when his nose gently touches your clit. He feels so proud, and he can already see how well you two could handle being lovers. He remembers how you sucked his cock and how good you did it.

To you, you felt some insecurity, because he hadn’t decided on you. But you already feel the lead being on your side. Soon that thought fades away, because the pleasure is becoming too much. And you’re ready to receive the upcoming orgasm.

You forget about Lucy Gray, Sejanus, the deaths, your return to the Capitol.

Everything is gone as soon as you feel him. Even the pride and dignity you talked about on losing your virginity.

It just feels like it was meant to be.

“You’re so perfect…” he says, eyes on your stretch marks, fingers tracing them before moving towards north and pinching your nipples.

The way you clench around him, his lips leaving red marks on your breasts that would soon turn purple. Your moans, and your dirty mouth cursing.

“Fuck- oh, Coryo!” He couldn’t believe you just cursed. But he then realized he was fucking you. Maybe he had already chosen.

“More, please-“ you manage to say between moans. And he’s in heaven again. He fucks you harder, faster, already feeling he was close too. The silver chain dangling just in front of your face. You swear he had split you in half, but the pain was nothing compared to pleasure.

“Wait for me. We’ll do it together” you nod, noticing how intimate and passionate your first time was being. He wanted you to wait for him. And it made your heart clench. You need to hold him. So, your arms hug him, and he understands, leaning to end up with your foreheads together.

In a matter of seconds, you both reach climax.

“Promise me you’ll be careful” he nods, kissing you one last time.

“It’s gonna be fine.”

But it isn’t. You run as soon as your friends say Sejanus Plinth was going to be hanged for treason. You run and your feet burn.

When you make it, you have to hear him screaming for Coriolanus. You start reaching the front faster. But you meet his blue eyes, and you are able to see him saying no to you. Your heart beats fast, sweat on your forehead and eyes watering faster than ever.

When you look at Sejanus again, his neck broke and he was already hanging.

Coriolanus sees the shock and terror on your face. The birds flying and repeating the last words of Sejanus make it worse. He holds the rifle firmly, but his eyes water too.

He follows you as soon as he’s able to leave. Too many things happening at the same time. And he really regrets not noticing you before. None of his life would’ve been ruined.

He finds you alone in your room. Your friends were working. But you were crying on the floor, covering your face and sobbing loudly. His heart broke, and he let some tears fall too. So he couldn’t resist it anymore. He went to hug you tightly.

As soon as you felt him, you hugged him back.

“He deserved better…” you mumble between sobs. You say he was a good man. But soon your sobs stop, and Coriolanus can almost hear you plotting.

“Where is the gun you used, Coriolanus?” His heart stops, and that’s his epiphany.

“I don’t know. Lucy Gray must know…” the girl could easily be fast to learn where it was. You remain silent.

After some minutes of crying, he’s still holding your hands.

“Lucy Gray wants me to go with her outside of the districts…” you don’t have the strength to laugh, but you really wanted to.

“One last time. Do you love her, Coriolanus?” He knows it’s time and there’s no going back. So he sighs, feelings the dry tears on his face.

“No.”

Your soul can finally rest.

“In two days, I’m leaving. I got accepted by Gaul into University. I just learned this morning after receiving mail.” He looks deep at your eyes. Trying to understand what you just said.

“Then you are going with Lucy Gray. You find the gun and if needed… Also get rid of her” you knew Lucy Gray was there when the incident happened. You had also made up your mind. And you would give Coriolanus one last chance.

“I’ll wait for you for two days. If you come back, you know I’ll be yours. But if you decide to stay with her, I’ll understand. And your secret will die with me.” He feels you kiss his cheek and after that, you quietly leave. Giving him no choice but to pack to meet Lucy Gray at the Hanging Tree.

…

You wait impatiently for your train. Coriolanus was gone. He didn’t return. So, you wait with your heart full of fissures. Your violet dress makes you a target among the station. You look very Capitol again. But something from District 12 changed you.

And then you hear him. Calling your name.

When you turn, you see Coriolanus almost running towards you. You can feel some tears forming. Your messed up mind was ignoring all the hell he made you feel and see. Like he never killed anyone, like he didn’t take so long to choose you. Like you didn’t know he consciously chose to be a bad person.

He looks agitated, with his peacekeeper uniform intact. His blue eyes look thrilled. Like a lot of emotions were invading him at the same time.

And the first thing he does when he’s in front of you, is to smash his lips with yours.

It takes you by surprise. The way his free hand immediately goes to your chin. In the middle of the train station. Feels like you were meeting your lover who survived war. It feels wrong to be savoring the moment you realize Coriolanus Snow finally chose you.

At that very moment you tangle your arms around his neck, stepping on your tiptoes to deepen the kiss. He feels you smiling, and that’s all he needed.

He needed to kiss you to forget about the cabin, the birds, the gun and Lucy Gray Baird.

And he does, your lips assuring him it was okay.

He isn’t evil, he can’t be when a sweet woman like you was kissing him back.

It was delicate for sure.

“Is it over?” You ask between tears. He nods, smiling, holding you close to him.

“Everything is over now.” You won’t ask what happened. You will just savor the victory.

“I can go to the Capitol. Gaul wants to see me” your eyes shine, relief flowing across you. Knowing you will be able to go back home with him.

“Where does this leave us?” He chuckles.

“We’re marrying as soon as we make it to District 2, dear” he kisses you to soothe your shock.

Almost at the end of the ride on the train, you chuckle looking at the window. He looks with curiosity, still drooling over you wearing the earrings he gave you. They would be his reminder that you had been there since the beginning, when he had nothing to offer. And yet, you stayed.

“What?” He finally asks.

“We’re a liability, you know?” A smile forms on his face. He shouldn’t be smiling, but he does anyways.

“I would repeat everything if it meant ending up here with you” and it was true. Because he would receive the money from the Plinth family, he would be able to study from Gaul, with you. He would get rid of Highbottom, and anyone on his way. But what seemed to be the most urgent matter, was to make you his wife.

But for now, he just takes your hand, kissing it.

….

Soft!Coriolanus fic is next. Hint? It’s gonna be based on Supercut from Lorde. Thanks to my crush with Tom Blyth, I realized Reputation and Melodrama are my favorite albums on earth. If you want to be tagged on the next fic, comment!!!!!!!! <3.

Taglist: @peachyharht @toogardenheart @slytherinholland @futurecorps3 @asapkyndall @speedycashflowerbasketball

[ascendedice]

Not my usual kind of post but let's try something new 😭 (im running out of stuff to yap abt so feel free to ask anything gang 🥺🥰)

Random stuff to script in your DR!!!

general - People always understand the intention behind the stuff you say. omfg i hate it when i make a joke and someone finds it serious or the other way around i need this irl so bad

You already have all premium subscriptions (spotify, etc.) tbh it would be annoying to have to buy each one everytime even with infinite money like its a subscription ion wanna deal with ts 😭 You don't lose your stuff. kinda self explanatory would happen to me tbh

You don't randomly have to go to the bathroom. it would suck if it happens somewhere where you can't even find one especially for more adventure-ish drs... magical, fantasy and fighting drs - High pain tolerance/just make stuff not hurt alot. that's a good thing to have in general but i see alot of people forgetting it and its really important esp in fighting drs

Travelling isn't long. imagine having to travel for 5 hours in some boring ass place id cry

anyway happy shifting yall have fun in ur drs tonight i believe in u!! 111

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sexual assault and rape tw

I'm 22 years old and I've been having some trouble with the discovery that I have a rape fetish. I've known since 2022 but I still feel intense shame about it and there's so many things about it that scare me. I've also been wondering if there's a way to just stop feeling anything sexual? that'd save me some trouble bc then I wouldn't have to think about this ever again

I'm a bi woman. I only figured out I'm bisexual last year and before that I thought I was a lesbian. but then I learned how to masturbate and I realized men were a part of my fantasies — I was in denial for a long time and even thinking about being with a guy would make me feel despair and cry for hours back then. I still feel bad about it nowadays but at least I'm not in denial anymore. I've never had trouble understanding that I like women and whenever I fantasize about women I don't feel negative emotions during or after masturbation (even if I end up fantasizing about rape). but when I fantasize about men I always feel upset afterwards and my fantasies with men are *always* about rape/sexual assault. I don't feel a lot of attraction to men's bodies, I just feel attracted to the idea of them sexually assaulting me or raping me, y'know? so even in my fantasies with guys I never think too much about their body. actually, I prefer it if the guy is super old and I don't feel any positive emotions about him

in hindsight my attraction to men is definitely tied to sexual trauma. since I was a child (and specially when I was a child) I've been sexually assaulted by boys and adult men. they'd touch my genitals and make me touch their genitals or hold me in place without letting me go. there was also the usual butt slapping. I even forgot about what happened with a specific old man for some time when I was 9. when I finally remembered what happened and told my parents about it they acted as if it were my fault and I had wanted it. but, like, no actual rape happened. so is this even enough for a rape fetish to develop?

and my experience with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – I remember thinking that women were like servants and needed to be submissive. I tried asking my mom about it when I was 10 but she just got angry at me and told the rest of my family I was asking about inappropriate things and accusing me of wanting to do inappropriate things

I think all of these experiences are the reason I started having rape fantasies (well, I suppose they were just sexual assault fantasies back then) with men as a child (I remember the first ones starting when I was 7 and they kept happening up until I was 10). I remember thinking that it was how it worked and how it's meant to be for women. I'd feel disgusted afterwards and eventually, in my early teen years, I stopped thinking about this altogether. I didn't know what any of it meant but it made me uncomfortable so I didn't think about it at all for years. but then I learned how to masturbate when I was 20 and I had to force myself to think about everything that happened bc I needed to understand why my brain works the way it does. it seems pretty obvious in hindsight but it took me a long time to understand what all of it meant

anyway. I keep thinking about maybe trying something with a guy to see how it turns out bc everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from? and does all of this mean I like to be assaulted? it feels so good when I'm fantasizing about it that I get scared about how I'd react if it happened irl. I keep wondering if I would I like it too and if this means I liked being sexually assaulted as a child? and sometimes I get excited when I think about *actually* putting myself in a dangerous situation with a guy I don't know. I'm scared (but also excited by the thought) that one day I will actually do it.

tbh I wish I could just like vanilla stuff. or just not feel sexual attraction at all

hi anon,

you've given me so much to work with here and I am DELIGHTED, so let's take this bit by bit, answering your questions/curiosities in order as much as possible.

generally no, there's not really a way to turn off sexual feelings. a lot of people find that they get supremely un-horny on antidepressants or other mood stabilizers, but that's a side effects that's hardly guaranteed. the most reliable option would probably be a lobotomy, but that's a bit drastic so let's not do that.

this is a bit beside the point, and I certainly can't tell you what to call yourself, but if you'd rather be a lesbian you can absolutely be that. there's a huge difference between liking the idea of a very specific type of sexual situation with a fictional man and actually being attracted to real men, and it really doesn't sound like actual living breathing real men hold any particular allure for you. I know this isn't the biggest issue her by a longshot, but I do just want to say you can absolutely call yourself a lesbian if calling yourself bisexual isn't sparking joy. the only truth is what feels best to you.

there's no such thing as "enough rape" for something to traumatize you; any amount of sexual assault is sexual assault (and your parents are shitheels for implying that you, a child, were somehow responsible for that, btw). and while there's no quantifying how much assault is enough to "count," it's worth pointing out that exactly none is required to "justify" a kink - there are people with rape fantasies who will never experience a single act of nonconsensual violence in their lives, and that's just as fine as people who eroticize sexual violence in response to their own trauma. being horny is a morally neutral act.

at a guess I would say no, this probably doesn't mean you like to be assaulted; very few people do. and no, it certainly doesn't mean you enjoyed being assaulted as a child. even if you did enjoy some aspects of whatever was done to you, that's a.) beyond your control; arousal isn't a process that needs your permission to occur. lots of people orgasm while being sexually assaulted, which certainly doesn't mean it wasn't assault and b.) that does not in any way mean that the person or people who hurt you are absolved from blame for abusing their power over a child.

listen: even people who do enjoy getting roughed up or hurt in some capacity generally have to do at least a bare bones negotiation and provide some level of consent to get there, meaning it is fundamentally different from someone jumping out of the bushes to assault you like a villain of the week on SVU. I really enjoy getting tattoos, but I'd be understandably horrified if someone tackled me on the street to start sticking needles in my body without permission. likewise, a great deal of BDSM enthusiasts would be extremely unhappy to be flogged or whipped without warning by someone they didn't agree to do that with. context is everything, and the ability to control your scenario really, really matters. (I just said a little bit more about that here.)

if you do want to explore consensual nonconsent IRL, please emphasize the consensual part - find a sexual partner who understands how to negotiate a scene and with whom you can negotiate boundaries and opt-outs ahead of time, rather than a stranger you genuinely don't feel safe with.

[sharp-silver4795]

Hello!! So I’m pretty sure you haven’t answered a question like this,, (I haven’t read that much of thine content .I’m sorry😔) so I’m just gonna ask

The goggle boys (Cody & Toby)(& yes I’d rather pull my own hair out than type ‘bois’ just seeing the word fills me with a kind of rage ) have more in common than their name; they both have incredibly, vastly different to each individual person, although it is much more common to see for Toby..😅

So uhh could you share with us their personalities in your au/headcanon please

🙏

Toby + Cody Personality HCs

Omg! Ofc! I haven’t gotten a lot of asks, and I don’t have many actual posts- most of them are reblogs XD

And uhhh sorry to break this to you, but I say “boi(s)” all the time 😅

I don’t think I need any warnings here-

Sorry if this isn’t great lol I suck at personalities

Cody

A cocky little shit, but not in a completely bad way-

He more just likes to humble people.

He’s a field proxy and tends to go out in more missions than the high proxy himself (Toby).

He has enough experience to make people look stupid, and he loves doing it just to have those embarrassing and awkward moments (for them).

If you’re on his good side, he’s a big goof.

His sense of humor doesn’t make any sense and that’s why it’s funny

He isn’t too short-fused, but if you push him too much get ready for the biggest verbal beat down of your life.

He’s really smart, ofc.

He is good at manipulating people. Whether he uses it for good or evil is up to him. He really doesn’t do it often tbh

He got the name X Virus from the first concoction he made that he called “Virus X.” It would late be called “the changing death” due to how it changes based on how people react to it and how it is administered.

He thinks he’s slick, but he never is- he’s clumsy as hell.

He’s really easy to get along with, but not in a boring way.

He’s an ok listener… he’s a little scatterbrained at times, but if you catch him on a good day or really drill to him that it’s serious he will give you his undivided attention.

Bud is a gentleman. Whether the other person is a man, woman, or anything in between he drinks all the respect juice.

Despite his charm and humor, he is socially awkward. He can’t talk to new people without making himself look like a whole entire fool.

Man likes to try to be an edge lord but will cry if he actually offends you

He is secretly a sweet summer child…

Toby

He is the happy medium between knowing what he’s capable of and humble at the same time.

Toby is surprisingly serious. His humor is either really fucking hilarious or just dry as hell.

He just isn’t good at making jokes verbally.

But he is good at making jokes when it requires action.

For example, he was practicing accuracy and precision with Kat (Kat uses a gun and he uses an axe- duh). Kat got full bullseye. Toby’s response was to hit the tip of the axe blade in the exact place that the bullet hit. He then comically bowed to him.

It was a good laugh for everyone. No one’s feelings were hurt.

He can’t read the room very well, so he has friends do it for him (namely Jeff and Clockwork) and explain it in simple words.

Before I say anything else, I do this IRL with my friends bc I can’t read the room. I don’t see this as calling Toby stupid or infantilizing him at all. This is something that I feel he would do just cuz… head cannons 🤷

Ok, back to head cannons-

He is chronically sleep deprived.

He’s a great listener. If you need to vent, he’s the perfect person to go to. (This is the main reason him and Cody are so close)

He takes shit from no one

While he’s on the job, he seems very cold and rude at times, but he just takes his job kinda seriously.

He is the kind of person that starts something, leaves it on the desk or smthn, and never comes back to finish it and then randomly in the day with just be like: “OH SHIT-”

Sorry if it’s not great, when ppl ask me for personality shit I’m always confused as to what to fucking say. Anyway-

Hope this was ok!!! Have a good day/night/whatever the fuck it is for you! 💜

[cherries-in-wine]

SPOILER WARNING FOR AOT JUST SOME OF MY RAMBLES

English is not my first language please don't be mean okay thank you <3

honestly I didn't hate eremika as much as I thought I would- both of them are emotionally immature idiots who feel a lot but have no idea how to deal with said feelings. their relationship is definitely a lot of wasted potential but idk they are cute in their own imperfect and somewhat uneasy way. was that ending scene weird definetly but like eh gothic romance fan I've read and seen much worse things and called it peak romance so it's like weird but like okay also im very drunk slightly tipsy and I just finished aot just cuz I wanted to feel something and man I feel a lot of things also I think there might be a cultural difference too because in the west it's all like gulululu sloppy kiss gulululu fucking and like I grew up with old Bollywood romance where mfs don't even kiss so stolen glances and flushed cheeks and "ill always wrap your scarf over and over again" means wayyyy more than an infinite number of kisses. I get why people don't like it but yea I like them they are so fucking embarrassing and stupid. Eren's randi rona (hindi phrase exact translation is whore crying but semantics is probably bitch whining) was so funny and pathetic i've never laughed so hard but it is embarrassing in a way that makes so much sense for this suicidal maniac. I thought I would hate mikasa because I linger in the subreddits because social media kalesh and lafda is something I feed off of like a vampire sucking blood after escaping the coffin that held them for centuries (kalesh/lafda is hindi for fights) anyways so silly goofy fun idk what y'all are on about she's so kool not really a Mary Sue because she sucks at emotional intelligence and as a leader like definitely too driven by feelings but tbh I love that about her and her bond with other characters is so precious to me. I get why she's unlikable she is so flawed but idk I love her. the fanfic writers are so mean to her like oh my god why is she always this weird obsessed stalker that gets in the way of eren and y/n and historia is always someone y/n is insanely jealous of like please why can't we all be best friends and braid each other's hair

A little something about erehisu too- tbh I don't think its obsessive desperate fan behaviour like it's a very good ship imo. I have mixed feelings about it but idk lowkey makes sense. not in a "these people are great for each other and will be so cute as more than friends" way but more like a "oh wow they have a lot going on, they are good friends and the people they love are people they can't be with so it would make sense if they both are emotionally vulnerable enough that they end up doing something" kinda way. would've definitely made it more interesting because I thought sidelining a character like historia who had so much potential would hopefully have a bigger meaning and some greater part of Eren's plan but no bro is an idiot who has no idea what he is doing.

Mixed feelings about historia too- I liked her arc but the amount of plot armour that surrounds her kinda pisses me off. also the irl jaegerists and incels on reddit are so annoying they've made her into chaderen loser's trad wife who sits at home with the baby and shakes her head with a disapproving pout when he returns home after genocide like I know for a fact canon historia would be disgusted by this narrative. also oh my god the lengths these people go to prove that her relationship with Ymir was just a one sided obsession and not a lesbian romance is insane. like yea historia doesn't have to be lesbian she could be bi but that relationship was definitely mutual and romantic

I have sooo much more to say maybe when im sober ill organise everything and make it pretty but im in my senior year of high school with like no time on my hands so idk will see please stick with me but always thank u for reading meri jaan have a lovely day/night :))

[latimeria-fell-from-heaven]

#𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐍, 𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐄.

anon asked ↺ Tbh I want to continue the Silverash bloodline but with Silverash himself..

cw. fem!reader, sub!reader, reader is the doctor, established relationship, cumming inside (use condoms irl!!), breeding kink, creampie, big cock, pregnancy kink, cervix fucking, size kink, mating press, overstimulation, slight possessiveness & implied multiple rounds.

lati. pretty sure that's canon by now nonnie, silverash got the hots for the doctor bc they outplayed his ass in the break the ice event,,

art credit.

"Shh, Doctor, not so loud," Enciodes Silverash cooed into your ear, hot breath fanning across your skin. The use of your title, in this sort of situation, flusters you quite a bit. "You wouldn't want anyone hearing you, now would you?"

The bed creaks as Enciodes bottoms out above you, allowing you to adjust to his size. With your knees pushed back all the way to your shoulders and Enciodes' weight practically crushing you, your breathing is incredibly labored and erratic. You really, really don't want to get caught—especially by Amiya or god forbid Kal'tsit. But you have to admit that getting caught being bent in half has your cunt sucking onto his cock tighter. Surely, the knowledge that the esteemed and honorable Doctor was being fucked like a whore by her own operators would make for some less-than-pleasant lectures and gossip floating about.

While it was already well established that the relationship between Rhodes Island and Karlan Trade was more than amicable, there was still some slight displeasure on the motive behind Enciodes' eagerness to sign a contract that offered him nothing in return. But of course, you were to handle Enciodes and all of his affairs while he was simply under the codename 'SilverAsh,' so as to ease any suspicions thrown towards him. But there was still something so utterly thrilling about being in bed with him, knowing that with each buck of his hips, his resolve to fill you with his seed until your belly swelled with his child grew fervently.

"Enciodes," you mewl, hoping that your pitiable appearance would urge him to move. "Please. need—need you to fuck me."

He allows his forehead to rest upon yours, sucking in restrained breaths as your slick cunt desperately clings to him before pulling away to drink up the sight of you. Your eyes glazed over, loose strands of hair sticking to your wet skin, and drool smeared across your chin—you were absolutely adorable when you were reduced to a lewd mess like this. "Patience, (name), patience. Surely we can afford to act leisurely with our time, no?"

Any other time you'd appreciate Enciodes for wanting to savor your bodies being connected—given how ravenous he was when he'd be bending you over your own damn desk. But tonight is different. Enciodes was hellbent on making your belly swollen with his child, murmuring how you'd make a good mother and how beautiful you'd look with a round belly. And you're going to make damn sure that he fucks every single drop of his seed into your womb. Besides, you have an inkling that he's doing this on purpose, wanting to stir you up into a pretty little mess begging for his cock.

"Faster," you plead, feeling the last of your restraint nearly give out from his lack of movement. "Enciodes, please. I want—I want your baby inside me.."

You can hear the feline above you groan at that—Enciodes had always been relatively weak to hear you beg for him—and it isn't long before he's moving, building up his momentum. He ducks his head down, dragging his sharp canines against your exposed neck and briefly brushing over your pulse. You have to choke back a cry when a particularly deep thrust has his swollen tip kiss your cervix, and of course, he starts angling his thrusts in that direction.

Fuck, this position made him feel even bigger if that was even possible. Each of the soft, fleshy spines that run along the sides of his cock perfectly rubs up against your oversensitive walls with each thrust, causing that tight squeezing in your belly to coil itself even tighter. Your moans grow louder and louder, pleasure eating away at your mind until all you can think about is Enciodes' cock and how big and fat it is and how good it makes you feel and—

"Encio—" You cry out his name, only to be silenced by a kiss. It was the most efficient, and quite frankly enjoyable, way to muffle all your noises because what he'd said earlier had been true. If you were to be any louder, someone was bound to hear and stumble upon your little fuck session. The kiss is messy and fumbled, with you and Enciodes both moaning as your tongues rub up against each other. It's dizzying and mind-bending, but fuck it feels so good.

"You'll make such a great mother (name). I know you will," He breaks the kiss long enough to speak, hips slowing down as his concentration breaks. You whine at the loss of his lips and he smiles. "Need you to be good and cum for me. You can do it, I know you can. Be a good girl and cum for me."

Frantically, you nod, and he hums in approval before kissing you once more. He's quick to pummel into your tight cunt, strokes reaching deep enough to feel as though they pushed straight into your tummy. The thought of you with his child could keep him hard and going for a while. His eyes were closed, lost in how perfectly you fit around him. It wouldn't take him long to fill your womb with his copious seed.

You sob as Enciodes gives a few final thrusts before his hips still, spilling his hot load into your pussy. As if on cue, you feel yourself squirting around him, the sensations of his cock and cum inside your pussy all too much. On reflex, your legs tug themselves back, pulling Enciodes forward and subsequently pushing his cock even further—Oh. Okay, that felt good. You.. you can see why he was so damn insistent on folding you into this position.

He doesn't seem to mind, more focused on nuzzling his head into the side of your neck and giving your skin a few lazy licks and nips. With the lack of movement from either of you, you can feel his cock give a few twitches as he catches his breath. He's clearly far from done—well, you aren't either. The baby fever was hitting you hard, and it's keeping you going, coaxing you into ignoring the exhaustion in your muscles in favor of allowing Enciodes to do his best in knocking you up.

After giving himself but a brief moment of reprieve, Enciodes was gently rolling his hips again. Upon hearing your soft moans of delight, he grins and lets out a soft chuckle, "My, my, so eager. Good, it's not too often we get a whole night to ourselves. We can keep going for as much as you'd like, (name). After all, the night is still young."

© latimeriafellfromheaven

[genevawrenn]

I am just going to put this at the top : this post is going to be a long vent about missing Technoblade, please scroll on if you do not wish to read.

We are coming up on two years without him.

We are also coming up on three years since I discovered his content.

I thought I was at the point I could watch one of his videos tonight, as I used to often do when I am doing tasks or writing he was always the background noise I used. I remember calling into work when he streamed for the sheer sake of enjoying them while they happened the few times I caught them before...well. I think you know. He was the reason my passion for writing came back to life and I believed I could actually follow my lifelong dream of eventually publishing a story.

But I suppose the part I always forget about grief is the absence of the unique spirit that person brought to your life. I found his content and engaged with it instantly, developing one of the longest running fixations I have had in a good while. The sheer excitement I'd have getting the notification he went live for one of his rare streams.

I don't think it truly sunk in when he announced his diagnosis. I remember discussing it with the irl friend who got me into watching him and both of us laughed, saying he's strong enough to fight off anything.

A few months pass with his rare posts and there was always this tiny little bit of intuition I had where he never told us what severity of cancer it was. Like he was a very private guy, yes, but this seemed extra...odd.

Then I remember the way my heart sunk when 'so long nerds' popped into my notification bar. The dashing of my heart against the floor texting people as I tearfully listened to Technodad tell us the words his son Alex wished for us to hear.

Its been a long two years. Its been great ones, tbh. I found a new passion with QSMP and Hermitcraft after the finishing of DSMP [tho c!Techno will forever remain close to my heart]. I kept writing, with over half a million words in published fics on ao3 and several WIP including 3 original novels.

But the only one I ever wanted to thank for helping me find my creativity again I can't, and I never will be able to.

I miss Technoblade.

I will never stop missing him.

I wish he could have laughed with his friends for many years yet, being silently proud of their accomplishments while he messed with people on the QSMP. I wish he could have had another MCC with friends.

I wish his unique soul wasn't taken from us so soon, as we weren't done following our hero yet.

But the only thing I can do now is continue to speak his tales. The first book I properly publish, the gratitude page is going to be addressed to him. I will continue to tell others about his accomplishments and tell them to go watch his content on his Youtube channel [get him to 17 million!]! Buy some of his merch [when it comes back in stock]! Support his family & friends!

Though he would call us nerds for crying, I think its beautiful how many lives he touched and how many thousands mourned his passing. He was a light all corners of the MCYT sphere and beyond saw and respected, and not too many creators can claim such an honour.

I'll always be a Voice at my core. Even if I spend my time these days as a crow, a huevito, a ferret, a tubling, a doozer and many more, my heart will forever belong to Technoblade.

Please keep creating art and writing in his name. I love scrolling the fanart tags and adore every piece I come across with my favourite piglin in them. Please, please, please keep saying his name. Sing his legends. Make references, continue the jokes, hang out in one of his friends chats and support the people he loved.

Support those who are still here, even if your heart hurts.

It's only painful because we all loved him so much, which is a beautiful type of sorrow.

[stackslip]

chapter 140 thoughts under the cut

fujimoto's goal of rewriting fire punch with a bit more silliness continues (i love the chainsaw pews)

fujimoto said i know writers who do subtlety and they're all cowards

BROBENI CONFIRMED. now to know if he's her younger brother who was gonna be put through college by kobeni's exploited labour (which..... gd damn that parallel with denji and nayuta......). also i've been told nobana is traditionally a female name.......... hm.

real, though in this context it sounds more like anti usamerican imperialism language repurposed for nationalist ends..... it's not fujimoto is uncritical of america either though considering the gun devil in part 1. fascinating to see where this might go and how much that kind of language parallels irl pro-japanese imperialism and nationalists' own discourse.

i find it fascinaing that kids are considered the only acceptable members of the cult only to be introduced to an adult leader several pages later lol. but obviously the cult (because this 200% is a cult) is filling a gap--the first half of part 1 showed us how much it fucking SUCKS to be even an ordinary kid both irl and in this world, the lack of agency and the poverty and being preyed upon by adults or abandoned entirely, and then mocked on national tv when they take the deaths of their classmates and friends seriously..... so of course so many would end up here, being told that adults really ARE dangerous and incapable of seeing the world the way they do. cleverly done, i hope fujimoto expands on this and doesn't fall back on Let Adults Take Care Of This

similarly i hope this doesn't fall into the liberal storytelling trap of "the government is bad, but this new group has appeared that's Even Worse, so the government is actually good now" that also appears in so many shounen tbh. i don't think he will bc even outside of the church public safety is still so fucked up

denji's expressions this chapter are top tier lmao. genius move to make denji the "straight man" in the previous few chapters where he's genuinely flabbergasted by how batshit everyone else is

FUCKING CRYING. yeah the implications are dire but. HOWL

again jokes asides there is SO MUCH to unpack here. you'll get married AND THEN become a member of the church (implying marriage is a requirement or, as said later, strongly encouraged to join the cult at all). sex is consummated immediately in the next room. so far we've mostly seen men and boys in charge of the church, except for fami/kiga......... which...... does not bode well. makes me wonder how many are pressured into marriage/sex both as a way to attract new male followers and as a way to keep control over all

speaking of which. it says student but they mean /high school students/, maybe even middle school students, aka again children! and again the language of Modernity Has Lied To Us, Child Marriage And Ownership Is The Way right there being recited. the appeal to nationalism and what is "natural", kids as property of their parents and the church,.... and yes i AM reminded of behemboth(?), the patriarchal city-cult of fire punch whose entire horrid existence is justified with "it's natural" and "we are saving people by giving them shelter here". the patriarchy is central here!

and of course the part about kids being born and raised into the church themselves...... after shinzo abe's death, japan's having a bit of a reckoning re the influence of cults in political life and vice versa, and particularly the impact on children raised in said cults. there's also been a reactionary backlash to the idea of *foreign* cults (like the unification church, originally from korea) having "too big" an influence on japan, versus the Good National Japanese Cults that are spared some of that backlash. so i find it interesting that fujimoto firmly grounds this as a *japanese* nationalist cult that claims to be trying to save the country from foreign influence. obviously i'd love to know more, bc i'm sure there's a lot of language and references in the original that i'm missing and that mirror irl japanese politics and reactionary tendencies.

denji's backlash in forcing kids to get married.... i do wonder how much of his backlash comes from the idea of forced child marriage (and being forced in general), or if he would have been okay with someone being pressured to have sex with him without marriage, or he wouldn't have thought about it tbh.

i want to see the chainsaw man bathroom............

the hybrids all coming together.... wonder if this means reze and quanxi will be back PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. but also in the context of the church.... the weapon hybrids were used as various governmental projects and living weapons for years--japan, china, the ussr, and i imagine the usa and other western powers had their own as well. then they got controlled by makima, and now they're in the church.... i hope we explore more of the abuse and parallels they have with denji, and see just how and why miri trusts in the church so much as a refuge compared to his previous abuse. ALSO BRING BACK REZE AND QUANXI GD PLEASE......

this is 200% the guy who was in the shadows telling haruka it was all planned. and again the irony of nobana talking about how this is a church by and for children, only to immediately be threatened by someone who is very obviously an adult in charge

his eyes REALLY freak me out btw, fujimoto did a great job at his expressions lol. also really love the detail of the suspenders and the

barem.... the closest i could find for that name's meaning was the hebrew for "son of nation" which. hm! worrisome!

so idk if fujimoto was TRYING to give this dude the vibes of a sexual predator but between the cult's pressuring kids to get married and have sex, his role as one of the sole adult "humans" around, his treatment of nobana, and his general demeanor and manner of speech + the themes of sexual abuse and predation in the series in general........ gd he gives me the absolute creeps lmao, incredible design and tone. also what he says here about asa which gives me SO MANY red flags and makes me think more of the patriarchal aspect of the cult too

the name of the chapter is "scales"..... which is associated with kiga, as the horseman of Famine. and of course during the whole chapter we hear about how the church is necessary and its actions help save lives etc etc etc. just as we heard the yakuza justify their existence to makima, just as public safety justified its own existence in terms of killing devils while really using them as a way to terrorize the population and threaten other nations.

i find it interesting that in a way, kiga gave a similar deal to asa but in far more positive a view. do these things for us, become this weapon for us, and this person you care about (or think you know even if briefly) will live. kiga was just a lot better at presenting it and obsfucating the actual horrors that would follow--denji however is in too deep, and doesn't buy into the bs anymore. so he's given much more stark and open a choice! just as public safety tried to threaten denji to keep quiet lest they kill nayuta and raise her as their own all over again! gd he and asa's lack of agency..... fuck me up so so bad

wondering if we're eventually going to come back to denji's motif of choosing a third choice and refusing the dual choice entirely! wonder if asa herself will only see a single solution in front of her every time......

anyhow. good chapter. there's gotta be a lot that i'm missing here in terms of relations to current japanese political context and i'd love to learn more on it tbh.

[yonpote]

ive been so fascinated by how much of a liar phil is lately (i mean this in the most complimentary way like the wall he has up between him and his content compared to dan is so interesting, the way they balance each other out), so it was cool to see a few posts discussing it the other day. im curious, what videos do you think youd consider phil to be the most "mask-off" in? trying to collect them for my #studies lol

hmmm hard to say! ofc the softlaunch era was when both of them started getting a bit more real, but phil still had a lot of barriers up even as they were slowly allowing themselves to signal queerness. a moment i think about a lot recently is in "coming out- one year later." i think this video is way more real than the coming out video itself. of course COTY is 100% equally as important as BIG, but phil intentionally kept it lowkey and more comedic than full seriousness because it was meant to be, for phil, just coming out to more people as he was already out to the people most important to him and comfortable with not talking about it publicly, compared to BIG which had all of dan's comedic tones ofc but was ultimately about him having to finally confront this deepseated trauma he's had his whole life. and so phil's more lowkey video as well as quote tweeting dan's video as his Actual coming out was meant to uplift dan's voice more as (while im not saying phil didnt go thru trauma bc tbh every gay kid in the 90s did), it pertained to something that phil felt had a more poignant message.

SO! in his 1 year update on Being Publicly Gay, there's a moment where phil talks about how he didn't realize the impact that coming out as a public figure would have on him because he felt that, well he already had his coming out journey so it's not a huge deal, but in reality it was this giant sigh of relief. he talks about how he doesnt feel as stressed about having to hide everything or accidentally slipping up and saying something gay, and he talks about the impact that the fan reaction has had on him, people thanking him and telling him that they related so much to his experiences and he helped them come out to family or even coming out in the comments section. i guess because his goal of that video was for it to be a quieter coming out than dan's, he just didn't realize how big it actually was for HIM until he'd done it. and when he talks about this he gets forreal emotional and like, gets real quiet and smiles to himself and seems like he might be about to cry. which is like. CRAZY cuz not only has he never cried on camera but all anecdotes abt phil were like "oh phil never cries even irl" "yeah i just keep them all back" like not that he's not emotional but he's not like dan who cries at movies or me who is currently crying while typing this up over how emotional this all makes me LOL. like.... AAAAHHH it's so good, like ofc with the dapg renaissance we're now seeing a more Adult side of phil's sense of humor and personality and he and dan are just generally speaking more themselves around each other, but like. that moment really fucking HITS DIFFERENT.

[madstronaut]

tis christmas in july aka the season for feasting year-round 

much like the 3-in-1 monstrosity of shampoo/condish/bodywash that the COD men probably use (not gaz, though he would n e v e r) I am tossing in my ramblimmentaries three of cin’s lovely fics together here 🥰

aaanyway not even ashamed to say I’ve been re-reading their holiday keegan fic SEVERAL TIMES a month since I first saw it last december cos it’s so cute and fluffy

ok I need to get this out of the way laughing my ass off rn because autocorrect changed cumikering to cucumber several times throughout here and i was howling when I went to edit this and I was like why are there cucumbers everywhere??? LMAO

Reading: Neighbour Keegan Russ x reader by @cumikering

ah meet cute at the laundry room; I love it alr (as you can see i am easily pleased/amused/moved)

also it’s already on sight with reader’s cuz, i have unfortunately met ppl like this IRL (haven’t we all) and well talk about telling on themselves about how unhappy they are :/

“Well, if you need company…” he said, trying to not sound too hopeful. I’d love to spend some time with you. You turned to him, brow raised. “Wait, you mean, you want to come with? Be my plus one?” “That wasn’t- well, yeah. I can do that.” He shrugged. “If you want.” This wasn’t the direction he was heading for. He was going to offer to spend Christmas together, maybe exchange gifts, but he surely wasn’t going to take that back. Anything for a chance with you.

AAAA OBSESSED WITH HOW CUTE AND AWKWARD THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE IS

He always enjoyed seeing your face brighten like that, despite never getting the chance to see it enough…But between deployments, he was lucky to even catch a glimpse of you once a week, leaving any possible advances towards you simply a fantasy to him. He was out of practice, but was he that out of practice that he came on too strong and scared you? He certainly didn’t mean to make it suggestive. This was going to end before it even started. He grimaced to himself.

we love some good ole mutual pining🥺🥰🥺🥰🥺🥰

That time you saw Keegan on a run shirtless out your window you had to sit down.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA crying laughing at this…also reminded me of a time I hung out with a friend in LA who went to pick up a friend after he ran a marathon and drop him off before we went to dinner - didn’t realize the runner was an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while since he was a senior when I was a freshman in college but I fucking remembered him alright when he came running up ripped af, shirtless, sweaty, saw me and went “MADSTRONAAUUTTTT OMG” and picked me up and spun me while in his giant hulking sweaty arms and I briefly bluescreened…anyway cough sorry back to keegan what was I saying, yes shirtless sweaty keegan yes yes 

He didn’t speak much (you wished he did though because his voice was divine)

my fellow voicekink brian bloom fans where you at

ah wooing by fake dating, is there a better trope (tbh the ones I’ve read are hit or miss but this one is 10/10)

Keegan sat on his bed as you went through his wardrobe. How cheesy would it be if he were to pull out his guitar and serenade you? He, too, was told the ladies liked men who played the guitar. Why do you think he picked it up in high school?

*thousand eyed stare thinking of how many times I've heard wonderwall as a millenial*

He’d made it his mission to make sure taking him to your family was worth your while.

ah yes a true soldier through and throughhhhh~

You were a steady stream of glee that didn’t drain him and he couldn’t get enough.

AAWWWWWWW fucking loved this line!!!!!!!

also the cousin’s name as Bella now has me picturing her as twilight kristen stewart

It only made it hard to dilute your hopefulness that this meant the slightest bit more than nothing.

“dilute your hopefulness” GAAHHH LOVE THIS PHRASE CIN MWAH MWAH

now how to put this lightly but everything about bella just filled me with pure rage lol first off I WOULD ALSO KILL FOR A DYSON AIR WRAP GIFTED TO ME (can I buy one? yes. can I justify buying one? hell no) and I hate to use this term but textbook definition of a ‘pick-me girl’ right here but seeing casual cruelty like this would make me hear those kill bill sirens and have me swabbing some vaseline on my face and taking my earrings off and spitting some razorblades out my mouth and- cough anyway that’s from my younger fanciful days, I don’t carry razorblades in my mouth this isn’t late 90s/early 2000s new york ha cough anyway moving on smh throwing my hands at bella up in air

but I loved the contrast with keegan and let me just say everything about bella’s ‘gift’ goes against the pure nature of giftgiving and I am thrilled that she left the card there but got to take Keegan home 🥰

this whole fic reminded me of a lovely quote I read on a tear-off daily calendar lol

“The wise one knows. The giver of the gift IS the gift. And the gift is just the giver’s heart in the shape of something to make you smile.  The gift decays. The giver stays. And so the real gift remains.”

I will make an exception for celebrating Christmas in July for any of cin's holiday fics 🥰🥰🥰

-----------------------------------------

aaaaand also reading: by Ghost x plus-sized reader by cinny

omfg fucking tearing up my pillows to shreds at how much I love this lil fic!!!

You scoffed, looking past him at the other ladies in the room. “Are you serious? There are plenty who weigh far less.” His brow rose. “Are you calling me weak?”

fucking love reading about a suave smooth-ass ghost

His eyes softened a touch. “May I? Please?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 WHO CAN RESIST PUPPY EYED GHOST??? TELL ME WHO

 Across the pub, the table of three men grinned at the massive stranger. The one with the mohawk was very much entertained as he gave him thumbs up.

yes yes we love wingman!141

You laughed, your breath warm against his ear. “Are you going to set me down or am I having my drink on your back?” “Don’t give me ideas.” He chuckled as he lowered you to your feet.

HOW CUTE IS SIMON CARRYING READER TO THE BAR? AAAAAAA

“Okay. Well, thanks for he drink. You could get back to your mates if you want.” “I’m Simon,” he mustered instead.

“he mustered” AAAH I LOVE BIG NERVOUS MEN STUMBLING OVER THEIR WORDS

When he turned to them, they immediately busied themselves with their drinks, averting their gazes.

LMAO

So that was why you were alone. You were waiting for someone. Disappointment anchored at the bottom of his chest. “Right. Okay.” You smiled. “Thanks for the drink, Simon. I’ll see you around, yeah?” He grunted and you headed to the end of the bar. He stood umoving for another second before retreating to his table like a kicked puppy.

ummm omg I literally keeled over and slumped out of my chair in sympathy for simon for a good minute before I could read on OMG CIN HOW COULD YOU (lmao jk I loved this sm)

You flagged down some other blond man who walked over to you with a smile.

LMAO yes yes simon you are clearly superior

“I know she’s with someone, but I can tell she likes you more,” Price said, and Simon finally tore his gaze away from you. “Ye should fight ‘im, L.T. He dinnae stand a fuckin’ chance.” “You can knock him out with a slap,” Gaz quipped.

fucking love this, cin has 141 characterisation down to a T with each of their responses!!!! 

also men of the world if you can please take notes on stepping up from 141 here, please start doing so yesterday tyvm

so busy mopping up my heart from melting at how adorable this meet-cute is and I also got halal two days in a row from the halal guys cart by work thanks to reading about the kebabs in this fic

-----------------------------------------

and finally reading: Ghost x asmr artist reader by cinny

"Simon had a pepper problem and a pasta dilemma"

🥺🥺🥺🥺 I am dying at the cuteness here alr🥺🥺🥺🥺

You turned to him. He noticed the little startle before you shoved your phone back in your pocket.

men who are self-aware of their size and presence and the effect it has on ppl around them and act accordingly, I love you

Your quiet cooking videos were one of the only things left that offered him calmness, especially on those nights away on missions, giving him tingles in all the right places, and shamefully, the wrong ones too sometimes.

sir, sir, there is no room for shame in love~

“Ah- I’m sorry,“ he managed, flustered by your sudden exit. “I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but you make those videos, don’t you? I recognised your voice.” You grinned, turning to him. “I just wanted to thank you,” he said. “Your videos comfort me a lot.” “I’m happy to hear. Thank you for watching.” Simon wanted to tug his beanie over his face because as you walked away, he was unmoving with a racing heart and a blush over his pale cheeks.

omfg WANTED TO TUG HIS BEANIE DOWN??? I AM IN LOVE I LOVE STRONG YET VULNERABLE GIANT MEN SM (this is a fluff fic so I am keeping with the fluffy vibes nd restraining my horny ass from choking out some absolutely thirsty comments here)

Despite the uncomfortable circumstances, your quiet yet crisp voice always sent him into a restful slumber.

yes shoutout to my favorite YT vids and comfort fics for putting me to sleep without fail

The chance encounter only fuelled his attraction. Knowing the kind smile behind the sweetest voice felt like an intimate secret, one you shared with him and only him - not with the rest of your few thousand subscribers.

i love how sweet simon is here with his lil parasocial crush and OMG WHEN READER APPROACHES HIM FIRST IN THE PASTA AISLE I also blushed IRL GOD I LOve FLUFF FICS SM

“Someone sent in a recipe for a video, and it’s absolutely delicious. I’ve been making it at least once a month ever since.”

SIMON’S COMFORT YOUTUBER’S COMFORT RECIPE IS SIMON'S??? WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS OUROBOROS OF A COINKYDINK

He combed his hair back with his fingers, hoping his hat hair wasn’t terrible. He caught the double take you did at his tattooed arm.

🥰hehehe i love these little tidbits and morsels of vulnerability (hmm good band name, writing that down)

The rich scent of caramelised meat drifting in the room wrapped around him like a warm blanket.

Between sips of tea, you enjoyed your own halves of the chocolate wordlessly, the music melting into the background.

The savoury aroma glided past the thin gaps of the oven, swirling and dancing between you and him.

mmmmmm this has to be one of the coziest fics ive ever read

“I was an apprentice butcher before I enlisted.” He pressed down on the ricer with ease.

so much said in two sentences!!! ugh mwah mwah so many chef’s kisses for your writing style cinny

also loved how both are very self-aware and how reader picks up on simon talking about his mom in past tense and the whole fic emerging to fit around this bit of simon’s story is so wonderful to me… He waited until you took a bite before taking his own, and his breath caught. His brows furrowed as lump formed in his throat. Had the ground cracked and plunged him into a glitched universe? He was once more in Manchester, 10 years younger, finally home after a long day at the butcher, his mum and brother waiting at the table with the piping hot dish in the middle of it.

literally picturing that critic eating ratatouille flashback end scene from the eponymous movie 😂🥰

The last thing he wanted to do in front of you was shed a tear, but there he was, some hulking stranger sobbing on your shoulder as nostalgia held him in a death grip. It was humiliating to be seen like this – he didn’t remember the last time he cried from feelings, yet the tears wouldn’t cease despite his efforts. But you held him close, and his thick arms wrapped around you. He told himself if he pulled you close enough, it would hurt less.

i love how simon’s comfort streamer becomes an IRL comfort place for him to safely break down 🥹🥹 did I cry from reading this? IDK MAYBE WHO KNOWS? (looks at the ruined kleenex piled in my wastebin)

I hope all readers know and have a person and place like this (and may we host such places and become such people as well) 💛✨🌿

and of course I will pause my rambles here with a big-ass hug 🫂 and thank you to cinny for being a wonderful comfort fic writer for meeee 🫶🫶🫶😘👌😘👌😘👌

[tojiscrack]

i’ve become so obsessed with your liar liar fic that i’ve started to gatekeep it and i get jealous when i see other readers also enjoying it HAHAHA. is that a bad thing? I WANT IT TO BLOW UP BECAUSE IT DESERVES TO BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WANNA KEEP IT TO MYSELFFFFFF.

it’s literally so underrated & so funny and well written. the way u write the characters is so funny to me, i love it because they’re canon compliant but also canon divergent at the same time? they basically have the same exact personality except if they were good (i.e. toji being selfish asl but not to the point where he’d kill people, or gojo and toji’s rivalry but it isn’t to the point where they’d kill each other, ougi being a strict ‘bad’ father but a not-so-evil version of that?). this is gege’s worst nightmare and after everything that’s happened in the manga, it’s my comfort fic.

I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO FIND IT BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DOOO. as an og reader, i wanna keep this gem to myself. I HAVENT EVEN TOLD ANY OF MY IRL FRIENDS ABT THIS FIC AND IM DYING TO.

i’m sorry for the late response, i still have multiple exams i’m studying for and school life’s just been extremely hectic so i didn’t get a chance to sit down and write up a response, but i read this a day after you sent it and i’ve got the time to reply!

the gatekeeping aspect… as the author-part of me that wants more people to read it, i’m like, well that’s effective for the growth 😭, but as the author-part of me that gets excited with comments like this, i understand the appreciation you must have for this story if you felt the need to GATE-KEEP It 😭❤️❤️ PLS IDK WHETHER TO CRY OR LAUGH HAHAHA ILY

the whole canon compliancy + divergency thing is exactly what i was going for, and i’m ECSTATIC that you’ve noticed it 🥹 i was trying to go for this completely new universe, like a parallel to the canon-verse where everyone’s just happy and dandy and we get a family vibe, yk? best way to do that was to take ogi, completely strip him of his evil-ness, or take toji and give him his wife so he won’t go on a killing spree, or to grab geto and slap some sense into him about why g*nocide is wrong, etc etc, and turn them into (at least) half decent human beings 😭

SOMEONE FROM AO3 ALSO SAID IT’S GEGE’S WORST NIGHTMARE AND I CAN’T HELP BUT AGREE 😭 you wait till i make a whole verse on GOJO’S friends and school life. he’ll hate me for sure by then.

now i feel incredibly guilty seeing as it’s now ur comfort fic and my updates are slow. nonetheless, it makes me so happy (knowing that i’ve made something that you can look at and genuinely feel comforted by it).

trying to squeeze out another chapter, but i have to put my studies first and my levi fic first (just this once), and then chapter 4 will be out right after. give me about two months to get things done (possibly less, tbh).

[sinisxtea]

associate your fav moots with songs youve liked, now!!

OH MY GOD I GOT THIS 🫡🫡

@aquaphoenixz : the long night - seori ft giriboy

okay starting off with aqua. obviously you know which one i’m going to put 💀 but the vibes with this one are so you core, and you honestly changed my view of this song fr. i used to listen to it when i was sad or felt like crying, but now since i associate it with you, it just feels so much happier now?? anyways i love u enjoy ur day mwah mwah

@lyvhie : dream - baekhyun, suzy

IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE the vibes in the song are lowkey so you coded. like everytime we talk, it’s always so chill 😌 and it always makes me so happy, so pretend like this is us lowkey just vibing with each other <33 ur so amazing i love you mwah mwah keep it up

@syatchy : h! teen - the wind

tbh i could put any cute song for you but i chose h! teen bc it’s more about youth and silliness and that’s literally you <3 (and aliens apparently) everytime we talk and u put up with my yapping bullshit it makes me appreciate you ever more. love ya 🫶

@yeonzzens : the cut that always bleeds - conan gray

i love how much you love conan that’s so silly, tbh i don’t think there’s anyone else i know both online and irl that loves conan this much, so obviously i had to choose a conan song for you <33 the cut that always bleeds has to be one of my favorite conan songs, the lyrics are both so real and the vibes from the song are immaculate. anyways i love ur mood boards so much keep it up 💕💕

@riri4andy : HUSH - ari abdul

we’re gonna ignore the lyrics on this okay. 😭😭 but the INSTRUMENTAL OF THIS SONG TAKES ME AWAY??? It’s such an ethereal vibe, but more futuristic in a sense? idk you give me like this futuristic techo kinda feeling, and lowkey we need to talk more but feel free to take this as a song rec too <33 also the way the song kinda gives like a rushing/chasing feeling, like i feel like we’re stuck between this limbo of wanting to interact with each other but also too nervous to do so. SO TALK TO ME SMH

@polarisjisung : NOBODY - blue.d, MINO

not just bc ur name means flower but you have this soft vibe that i kinda get for you. i mean at first i thought you were lowkey a little intimidating 💀 but the more i realized that you’re just so sweet and anyone who doesn’t think so i will literally fight them 🙄🙄 WE SHOULD TALK MORE though 🫡🫡

@galacticskz : good night - 小鬼/little ghost

this song has such like… caring feelings associated with it, i mean obviously it’s kinda like a f*ckboy “haha baby” song, but when you ignore the lyrics and the instrumental and music is just so peaceful, and you definitely seem like someone who’s perfectly content and at peace with where they are, you know your limits, and you know when it’s time to rest and honestly i love that for you. (pssst we should talk more too)

@odxrilove : head over heels - tears for feels

okay this is going to sound oddly specific BUT you give such like disney princess vibes idk… like you’re kinda princess coded. and this song is so soft. it gives me like cinderella ish vibes? like head over heels? cinderella. AND YOU ARE SO PRINCESS CODED IDK WHY IT FITS IT JUST FITS <33

@ghostofhyuck - carrousel - amir ft indila

the feel i get from you is more of a chill and soft and you clearly know yourself very well, and that’s actually very good for you. you don’t hesitate to stop riding the “carrousel” if needed be, you can clearly tell people your own opinions and thoughts. (and this one’s very important) you tell people “no” when it comes to it. AS A BIG PEOPLE PLEASER MYSELF this is incredibly difficult for me 😭😭 and i admire that about you. anyways we need to talk more ofc ofc but hope u have a nice day <33

it’s honestly so hard to describe people in just one single song 😭

[theshelteredbrat]

I'm so done

I don't wanna take care of myself anymore

I don't want to feel anything anymore bc anything I do for some sense of happiness ends badly, makes me feel worse (mainly due to my parents)

But I can't even fucking cry when I try. When I really need to?

But I hate feeling numb so maybe pain will work?

And of course my parents are just sooooo supportive (sarcastic voice). My mom keeps saying things that are basically calling me fat and sluggish. My parents won't let me do shit. Then they get mad at me for so many small stupid things.

They hate whenever I listen to music which is basically my only outlet.

school is fun bc I put on a mask and tell bad jokes and trip over myself to make sure everyone's happy and I'm not hated.

Whenever someone's mad or sad I feel its my fault even tho ik it's not but I feel horrible. And whenever I do share my true feelings they'll either laugh and dismiss it (which happens most of the time) or they get super concerned and I feel like I'm acting out for attention.

And idk I usually regret posting shit like this bc people are always rlly concerned but its sweet considering yall care about me a lot more than most ik irl but plz don't waste ur time over me. Im an attention seeking bitch whos not worth ur time and is js venting

Church and youth group is just great bc God don't care about me. I believe he exists bc I swear he has a grudge against me but he don't bother about me. And I feel like I'm getting preached at whenever I go. But I love the people there and can't really not go to church bc of my parents

And home is just SO MANY FUCKING CHILDREN

Like wtf I'm the oldest, then I get three siblings, which is fine, i love them they're js rlly annoying. Then they get into foster care. Then they stop. Now they're adopting someone. Now they're taking in six boys.

And ik the home is supposed to be a safe space and that's great but I feel so out of place and unwanted and useless. I literally take up a room, a drawer in the bathroom, I eat food. I shower, I use electricity, and tons of money

And I can't get a moment of peace, its literally do this, do that, and chores is good for taking responsibility but like wtf. I feed 1-8 children, get half of them dressed, help with brushing hair and teeth. Now I have to help them learn to read. Help them do their homework. Take them on a walk. Change the diaper.

Wtf this is parenting stuff I shouldn't have to be doing this everyday. My mom doesn't even have a job, she just has two kids during the day and will have to pick kids up (we all go to the same school except for one who takes the bus) and I'm yelled at all the time for being incompetent? For not finding a mess to clean up in a room I haven't been in all day?

For not doing homework when I'd helped everyone else? For not having time to get myself ready bc I have to get kids ready? For not exercising when there's literally no time? For not reading when I don't have any freedom. For saying yes, for saying no, for not having anyextracurricular, for having one?

My mom yells at me that I don't talk to my family enough or spend enough time with them. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell a joke or a cool fact or something funny that happened at school and they yelled at me to be quiet? How many times I've tried to tell them about my friends or a project at school or a new interest I've picked up to be insulted by them? They never fail to point out some flaw or traits that they don't like. How I didn't do something correctly.

Do you know how badly I've wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" in a nondissmissive way? From my family? I heard that from a teacher once in my life. Best memory ever.

I'm so fucking useless and unwanted and numb and tbh i deserve the pain and suffering of life. The mask at school and youth group may crumble and hopefully they'll dismiss me but they almost might get rlly concerned and ill js be the attention seeking bitch like I always am.

Oh God please ignore me. Don't be concerned. Don't waste your time on me. I'm js being a dumb little teen. Sorry if you read that all

[sanaxo-o]

spread some love !

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

I am only tagging the mutuals who I talk on a daily basis. I truly love, respect and look up to every single mutual of mine and I am really grateful to have them in my life because I don’t think I would have come this far without them :)

@o-onikix : Nara is literally my closest and dearest friend I could ask for. She literally knows everything about me, she is also someone who pays close attention to me and always remembers the littlest things I say. Like once we were talking and I mentioned about me liking butterscotch cake and a few days later when we were on call and I was eating a cake Nara went “Is that butterscotch cake?” Without even me having to tell her. It made me genuinely so happy because tbh she might be the only irl friend who pays so close attention to me and my well being. Not only that you will always see me running to her whenever I am in some kind of misery and she would always be there for me and listen to me. I still remember how I was there with Nara when we were talking about ghosts 😭. Poor baby was shaking 💀 but tbh…she’s cute like that haha. I love you so much Nara 🥺

@from-izzy : ironic how it’s about to be a year since I sent you that flirty text as our first conversation. Omg glad I got this ask now. So yesterday I had this huge argument and was upset but do you know what izz does? She call me to check on me to know if I am okay 🥺. Like that made me realise that I truly am surrounded by such lovable and caring people and that also especially someone like izzy knowing she was herself freaking out over her assignments yet she called me :( it made me want to cry (happy tears yall). And tbh even though me and izzy argue most of the time her silly stuff at the end of the day I always go to her knowing I cannot live a day without hearing her rant about uni. Mine and Izzy’s friendship cannot be described in one paragraph tbh 😭. Like we have way too many dynamics for that 😭. We can be flirting on one app, bickering on another and having a deep conversation on some whole another app. To sum it up, I trust izzy a loads and I always go to her when I have to talk about something :) love you 🥺

@winterchimez : my Als, mu Sabrina Carpenter enthusiasts, the one who bears my crazy ass 🥺. We literally bonded over Sabrina Carpenter and I love that for us. I always go to ally when I see something negative or just to talk about something I get stressed about and you know what fills my heart? She is always there for me. Despite everything she’s been going through, she still manages to have a talk with me and I admire her for that. Not only that she might be one of the strongest people out there for still doing what she’s doing despite the struggles. Me and ally are someone who would always be together (as she said, we’re Kyunyu) she’s also ig the third mutual I made on this app which is really important for me because it wasn’t easy for me at that time knowing my writing was always dark and it made me kind of reluctant on making friends, scared people might judge me but Ally just out here accepting me as her gremlin. (I will always send you Sangyeon stuff. Once you see this expect that Sangyeon video in your DMs mam). Love you despite all the stuff I pull up with hehe.

@strayed-quokka : me and Lenlen met just this year, in feb but we got insanely close so fast it’s crazy. If you are a moot of Lennon you can expect some adventures from her side which will always make you go “WHAT? HOW ARE YOU? EVERYTHING ALRIGHT??” Like no kidding. I used to also read her TBZ work (by that I mean that Sunwoo fic) before I became her moot and I still cannot accept the fact that we’re now moots 😭🥺. She has my heart and we’re married I believe. The one thing I always look forward to is “Good morning Sana” from lenlen which just makes me smile like a kid 🥺. Me and lenlen also have such chaotic moments together, she’s always up to something in the DMs tbh 😭. And when you see me and lenlen together expect some crazy flirtings from both sides haha cause it’s never gonna stop. I still admire how lenlen and @from-izzy were there for me when I was scared and hid myself in the washroom:( it made me feel so much more better and safer knowing they are there for me no matter what.

@mosviqu : despite me and Boo starting off on some..meh terms (it’s not my fault you thought I was bullying you 😐) we grew so close after that tbh 😭. Me and bar from talking about her Sunwoo fic to me making a doc of Eric fic which only she has the access to 🥺. The words are not enough, because there’s so much to talk about her, from her writing, to her sweet personality, to her chaotic energy which just explodes out of nowhere. She also never fails to amaze me with her choice of words sometimes…

@cloverdaisies : we haven’t talked talked lately because (fuck your job and uni. They’re taking you away from me 😭🥺) life happened but I look up to clo and her writing so much it’s unimaginable. I remember how I was fangirling about her to ally and ally going “oh she’s my mutual” and me not believing it until clo started following me which made me want to scream and die out of happiness + embarrassment because hello?? Your favourite author just followed you 😭. And now when it comes to clo…I don’t trust her (jk) but I love her. She is…she makes me question reality with what she says everytime 😐. But I will never forget how clo was there for me when I needed her the most. She was listening to me talk when I was scared and I was truly glad because there was someone who was there to listen to me.

@astrae4 : Gill is like my child who always gets herself in trouble 😐😭. We always simp, sob, cry and scream over the one and only Choi Chanhee but despite that she gives some of the great advices when you need it. And no I am not gonna play that restaurant game ever again child-

@quaissants : my gremlin, my pudding 🥰. I trouble her like…everyday which makes her want to kill me (enemies to lovers?-) but despite that she helps me a loads when it comes to writing 🥺. We mostly interact on the server but nowadays I talk with her in DMs too which I am grateful for <3

@itsbeeble : hmm…I love you but I won’t stop bullying you (I don’t even bully you. You just think I bully you and it’s just your mind playing games with you because it’s always filled with Eric and Sunwoo…) jk but because of her busy schedule we don’t get to talk much but whenever she comes back from her disappearance those days might be one of the best ones because I have fun with her and izzy. Hope you’re alright and healthy since you disappeared. Again.

[bromcommie]

15 questions for 15 friends

Thanks to the wonderful folks who tagged me! @between-a-ship-and-a-hard-place @buckrogers @booksandabeer (thriving on the alliteration here y'all) Tbh I'm having a great time finding more out about you guys <3

Are you named after anyone? >>> Nope! My parents had it down to two names and for the longest time I thought the other one was way better suited to me. The one that got away, if you will. I think the meaning of my name is kind of cheesy, but at least I'm cool with it now.

When was the last time you cried? >>> Hm maybe like a week ago, watching a movie (which wasn't even all that sad. I think I was happy crying for the most part, lol)

Do you have kids? >>> Nope.

What sports do you play/have you played? >>> Currently taking a dance class, some yoga. I did karate for a long time before the worst of my teenage period got to me, but since then I haven't been all that active save for the occasional course. I do wanna get more into martial arts, though.

Do you use sarcasm? >>> Often.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? >>> Depends, really. General vibes, I guess, or voice and speech. Hair, too.

What’s your eye color? >>> Hazel.

Scary movies or happy endings? >>> Happy endings, all the way. I love dark stuff but ultimately I'm a sap, and I'm not a big horror person save for a few exceptions.

Any talents? >>> I enjoy creative stuff like visual arts and writing, and I'd like to think I'm good at it sometimes. Picking up new languages, I guess. I'm an alright cook, and I really enjoy doing that, too.

Where were you born? >>> @booksandabeer said in the capital of a state that no longer exists, and I'm gonna have to steal that because lol, technically same.

What are your hobbies? >>> Writing, videography/editing + photography, piano, language learning. Making edits about my stupid little blorbos on here. And I'm trying to get back into drawing atm.

Do you have any pets? >>> I have two cats that hate each other (and only occasionally like me).

How tall are you? >>> 5'8". I think.

Favorite subject in school? >>> Art history, history, languages.

Dream job? >>> With every passing day I'm less and less sure about what "dream job" even means, honestly. For the time being I'd like to pursue a career in film production, though, whatever that may look like.

I'm not sure I know 15 people irl let alone here but:

tagging @village-skeptic, @dharmasharks, @vostok3-ka, @theairshiphangs, @painted-doe, @dontcallmebree , @one-eyed-bossman, @gyokujyn and whoever else might like to join in. Obv no pressure and apologies if I overtagged anyone who's already done it!