#lucky the meds surprised most of the symptoms so I could still you know live a life

[ghost-vessel]

I dont know why I wanted to rant about this all of a sudden it can be because it's 3am or maybe it's because I feel a bit sick but. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING BE NICE TO YOUR DOCTORS (except if they are very rude)

I say this because Doctors aren't paid enough to deal with human lives. In hospitals, the mental strain is a lot worse as they might feel responsible for someone dying if they don't work 24/7 (and some work days are like 30 hours). I have been in and out of clinics and hospitals when I was younger (I would like to say around 4-7) because something was always going wrong with my body of that sickness or life-threatening bacterial infection, and dear god, every doctor but my family doc sounded dead so pls engage in some small talk or just talk in gen most docs like getting a small break every now and then and if you feel real bad pls go to a clinic if very bad go to a hospital and for all of the guys that also live in the US some hospitals have donation branches to pay for treatment if you can't pay (do research first there is always some corruption when money is involved)

[lucas-koh]

Stitches - Bryce Lahela x MC II

Also uploaded to Ao3! Go check it out there if you’d like my user is margotmuses

Doesn’t follow canon, but elements of canon. FWB.

Song: Feel Real - Deptford Goth

Rating: M

Word Count: 3409

Please check out chapter one first if you haven’t already!

Taglist: @lahellacute @tyrilsnightbloom @bubblelaureno

Chapter Two: Suki’s Flip-Flop, Intensive, Very Long Day

On a pretty big whim, Sienna, Jackie, Aurora, and Elijah had decided to look at apartments and move in together on the walk home from Donahue’s. Turned out none of their current living situations were ideal, and as crazy as it sounded, Suki felt like this might just work out. Weirder stuff had happened, right? She’d lived with complete strangers in college, so this was no huge thing, really. Over the following week they scored themselves an absolute bargain of a stunning top level apartment which overlooked the classic Boston skyline. Somehow, they’d managed to convince the landlord to rent to them for cheap, and soon enough everyone started to move their stuff in.

To celebrate their gorgeous new apartment, the group decided that they would throw a housewarming party at some point in the next few weeks. Planning was immense - everyone wanted to do something different, plus finding time where everyone would be off work was difficult. Elijah had never thrown a house party before, so he was overlooking most of the planning, while Sienna and Suki did tasks such as stocking up on cheap booze. Aurora didn’t really want to get involved in the planning side of things, too focused on her studies, but was looking forward to the party all the same. She was crazy grateful to be able to move away from her overbearing aunt. Jackie also wasn’t so involved in the planning, but more out of lack of interest in making plans. After a week or so, they’d decided on a date. All that was left to do was to invite everyone. And, yeah, that pretty much meant everyone.

Suki’s mind had been pretty occupied, mostly by a certain sun-kissed surgeon who’d swayed her to The Stone Roses. Since that first night, Suki had only seen Bryce in passing in the corridors, always taking lunch breaks and the like at different times due to the different demands of their jobs. He’d wink or grin at her and for a moment she’d be completely focused on only that. Not to mention the all-consuming sexual chemistry they had with each other being sparked each time they merely passed by one another. She was continuously bothered by the strange familiar feeling she felt with him, increasingly frustrated that she couldn’t pin it down.

About two and a half weeks in, Suki was suffering from an absolutely awful day. None of her patients were looking at a positive outcome, and she was feeling utterly helpless about it all. Existentialism: Doctor’s edition. She’d shut herself away in a supply closet to be alone with her thoughts. And to cry. What good was being doctor if you couldn’t save lives? And everything felt like a minefield. One wrong move and it could all implode. Misdiagnoses were so easy to make and so incredibly dangerous, she could prescribe someone a medicine they were allergic to and make their symptoms broaden, or even just upsetting someone because there was nothing she could do. She worried she wasn’t ready for this job. It was all very well reading up about illnesses and treatments, but actually putting it into practice? Dealing with real life people? So incredibly intimidating.

Abruptly the door creaked open and Suki jumped back.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t… think anyone was in here.” It was Bryce. Of course it was. He looked just as good as ever, framed in the dark by the light from the hall. “I just needed to get some suture kits...”

“It’s fine, just shut the door,” her voice cloyed but she tried to subtly wipe the tears from her eyes.

He did as she asked and came closer towards her. Even though it was dark, he noticed the red rings round her eyes and wet cheeks.

“Hey, hey. What’s going on?” His voice was soothing and gentle, his usual cocky demeanours put on a shelf.

“It’s just… I feel like I have too much power. I pretty much get to decide who lives or dies. I get to decide which words to use to ruin someone’s life I-“ she couldn’t help it as the tears began to pour out again. She wasn’t sure why she was baring her soul to Bryce, but something in her knew he would know what to say. He stood and listened, watching patiently. Bryce stepped in so he was closer to Suki.

“If I tell someone I’ll save their life, but I can’t, how am I supposed to live with myself? How do I tell a parent their six-year-old will never see it to seven? Bryce…” she continued, her eyes were wide and glassy as she stared up at him. Hearing her say his name like that stirred something in Bryce he wasn’t quite comfortable admitting.

“I know. But you’re damn good at your job, Suki. If you tell someone you’ll save their life, and you do, how do you not believe in yourself? How do you tell an old man he’s in remission? There are so many good parts to this job. It’s hard as shit, yeah, but we knew that. It was never going to be easy.” He lifted up his free hand and ran his thumb softly along her eyes to clear her tears.

“But it’s my fault. If I fail a patient... Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

He laughed a brief hearty chuckle. “You made It through med school, climbed your way to the top of the medical interns at Edenbrook, and you really think you’re in the wrong place? I’ve seen those rankings, Moore. You’re good crop.”

She gave him a lopsided smile. His confidence had a way of rubbing off on her.

“Every doctor has their moment of doubt. It’ll pass.” He continued.

“How do you do it?”

He shrugged. “I just know I’m damn good at what I do. It’s still early days, Suki. Just let it come and go.”

She nodded and felt the desire to hug him. Lucky for her, he held his arms out to her and she collided with his hard chest, again. She still had her arms crossed in front of her, but moved to cradle her head into the crook of his neck, shifting her body so she was leaning into him. Bryce’s arms enveloped her, like a large, hard, teddy. She felt like a baby, cocooned and cooed at by the light soothing motion Bryce was drawing down her back. It felt like the most natural thing.

“Shit. I guess you are damn good at what you do,” she said. Her voice was muffled by Bryce’s scrub top, but he heard her all the same, and couldn’t help but grin at the girl in his arms.

“I told you, I’m a talented guy.”

She pulled her head back after a minute, looking up into his brown eyes, which were honey like his skin usually, but deep and alluring in the dimmed light of the supply closet. His arms still cradled her.

She suddenly wanted to tangle her fingers into his hair and kiss him passionately. Because despite the snark, the ego, the cockiness, he’d made her feel better after an incredibly difficult day. And there was definitely something scandalous about being in a supply closet together. The thick sexual tension that had been whirring for two weeks now was at an all time high. Her eyes flirted down to his plump lips, still ghosted with a smile. Her heart was pumping right out of her chest, she was surprised he couldn’t feel it against his own. The chemistry could be cut with a knife. She tightened her arms around herself as she made the flash decision. Without giving him too much time to back out, Suki swiftly moved forward and pressed her lips to his.

He hesitated at first, still as stone, giving Suki a moment to freak out – shit, he doesn’t want to be doing this. I made the wrong call - before he pushed his lips back into hers with fervent want. They reacted to each other like it was something that had been simmering for way longer than just two and half weeks. Their mouths clambered almost clumsily around each other. Bryce’s hands moved up her back and to her neck with a caress, before he steered her round and pushed her up against the shelves. A few bits of equipment fell down, but they didn’t care. Suki pulled him as close to her as she could, hands gripping his waist. She could feel his muscles move under her fingers as they kissed, which sent a jolt through her stomach. She was actually kissing him. For some reason, the idea felt unattainable and the fact that it was happening felt fantastical.

His lips were soft but applied pressure, his tongue demanding and dominating. Suki let out an unintentional moan, causing a gruff noise from Bryce’s throat, and she could feel him smiling against her lips. Caught up in the passion of the moment, and wanting to savour every part of this, Suki lifted up a leg and wrapped it around Bryce’s hip. He responded by pressing his body tighter against hers and removing a hand from her neck to support her leg, copping a feel of her backside on the way there.

Suki didn’t even care that the shelves were digging into her back. All she cared about in that moment was getting as much as she could out of Bryce. Because, god, was he hot. His kisses were practised and skilled, clearly something he’d done a lot. She pulled him closer towards her, and he removed his lips from hers to burrow his face into her neck and suck at that sweet spot. She gasped at the sensation, earning a cocky chuckle from Bryce. If he gave her a hickey, she was dead.

To avoid that possibility, she pulled his face from her neck to meet her lips again, deepening the kiss, and finally threading her fingers through his floppy hair in the way she’d wanted to before.

A loud creak and unexpected light falling on her shut eyelids indicated that the door had been opened. Suki opened her eyes wide and looked over to the door to see an older Doctor. Oh god. She knew this guy. Dr Zaid Mirani – her attending. The leg which had been round Bryce’s hip dropped immediately.

“Can you give us a minute?” Bryce asked, frustrated, eyes shut and forehead against Suki’s, not giving a single shit that they’d just been caught in the act, not even bothering to see who it was.

“I need some scissors. Don’t let me stop you,” Zaid snapped.

At this, Bryce sighed and stepped away from Suki. Suki tried turning away coyly so that Zaid didn’t see her face, moving away from the shelves to give him access. There was a deafening awkward silence as Zaid rummaged through the shelves to find what he needed, Suki looking anywhere but at either of the men in the room. Bryce’s eyes watched her, flattening her hair down on her head and smoothing down her clothes.

After what felt like far too long, Zaid left without a word. The door shut behind him and Bryce and Suki were sent back into dim light. She looked over to Bryce finally, who was leaning against a cupboard with his hands in his pockets, a humorous smile playing on his lips. Even in the dark he looked good, hair ruffled from her fingers and lips swollen from relentless kissing. Ah, shit. He looked so good. Unlike Suki, he hadn’t taken the time to refine his appearance. But, she kind of liked it that way.

“That kinda killed the mood,” he said, pushing off the cupboard.

“…yeah. We should get back to work, anyway,” replied Suki. She was hot from embarrassment, again. This boy sure knew how to get her flustered, both unintentionally and intentionally. That kiss sure had some intention behind it. It had been a nice distraction, and admittedly she felt much better, but it was time to get back to reality.

He chuckled and scratched his thumb over his chin. He didn’t seem embarrassed at all. Then again, asking a resident to leave so they could continue their steamy make-out didn’t strike Suki as something someone who was easily embarrassed would do. Unluckily for her, Suki was a stickler for humiliation. Maybe hooking up with Dr Bryce No-Fear wasn’t something a blubbering blushing mess should repeat.

Bryce walked toward Suki, and she almost jumped back, worried he might try again. For a couple of reasons: worried they’d be caught again, and Suki would never live it down with herself, but also worried she wouldn’t be able to stop at a sensible place. He was too sexy, and too experienced. But he reached behind Suki to grab a suture kit. The whole reason he’d even been here in the first place. He held it up to show her, before making his way to the door.

“You’ll kill it out there, Dr. Moore,” he reassured before opening the door, letting the light flood the room again, and shutting it behind him once again leaving Suki in the dimness.

She crept out of the supply closet, not looking where she was going and accidentally ramming straight into Jackie.

“You look a mess!” Jackie laughed, noting Suki’s scruffed up hair and creased scrubs.

Suki cursed herself internally as she once again started to sweat.

“Oh! Long day, is all. I’m only halfway through, too!”

Jackie side-eyed her blustery response. “I’ve got to get this shot to this patient. You’re lucky this time, Moore.”

—-

A couple of hours later, Suki was finally grabbing a bite to eat when she received a page from Aurora.

Suki rushed into the room, where Aurora was already debriefing the resident. Shit. It was Zaid. She prayed that he hadn’t caught her face before, that it had been too dark and she’d turned away quick enough that he hadn’t recognised her.

“Hey, Aurora. What’s the situation?” She breathed out, exhausted from speeding up there. Aurora looked grateful as she turned to Suki.

“Moore,” Zaid greeted tightly. Something told her that he had definitely seen her face earlier. He didn’t seem like the type to bring it up, though.

“Ms. Redford was admitted for a broken neck, but her blood work looks incredibly strange…”

—-

“So, Dr Mirani’s a pretty grumpy guy, but why do I feel like there was a reason he was short with you earlier?” Aurora asked as the walked down the corridor to their next patient. Damn her for being smart and perceptive.

Suki weighed up whether or not to tell Aurora. It might be quite nice to have someone on her side, to tell all the awkward stories. She hadn’t done the whole secret make-out since college, and back then, she had a roommate to gossip about it with. At the end of the day Suki still barely knew Aurora; sure, they lived together, but they hardly even had a chance to be at the apartment together with their different shifts and the like. And when they weren’t at work, they were sleeping or eating. Maybe that meant telling her would feel like less of a big deal? Then again, even the idea of saying it was making her cringe. Plus, Aurora was great but she might not be too impressed that Suki had been taking time out of work to make-out with a surgical intern. In a supply closet which anyone could walk in on. And, had walked in on. A senior attending. She decided against it.

“I don’t know. I just don’t think he likes me much,” she wasn’t a very good liar, which Aurora seemed to glean; but she didn’t push further.

—-

After what felt like the most exhausting day ever - having difficult patients, a mental breakdown in a supply closet, a hot make out session in the same supply closet, being caught by her attending, and then having hours more of gruelling work – Suki threw herself onto her bed dramatically. It felt like her whole body, including her internal organs, was on fire. She eventually got up to change into her pyjamas, clean her face, and brush her teeth. There was a knock on her door. She opened it to reveal it was Elijah.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asked, it looked like he’d been home a while. Suki was happy to see him nonetheless.

“Just winding down after work, you know.”

“Yeah, today was a long one,” he added awkwardly.

“Tell me about it.”

He seemed like there was something he knew, or wanted to say, but didn’t.

“Movie?” Elijah asked.

“Sure, I might pass out though.”

She followed Elijah to the sofa and let him load up Netflix. She pulled off the fluffy blanket from the arm and snuggled into the crook of the sofa, next to Elijah’s chair. They put on a classic romcom and settled in to watch it, everyone else either asleep or working. Suki and her other roommates had become close quickly, but she still felt she wanted to bond more with them, get to know them better. She truly loved each one of them, and they each had their own personal qualities which enriched the group.

“So-“ Elijah finally came out with about a quarter of the way in, only to turn and see Suki had passed out.

Elijah tucked her in on the sofa and shut the TV off so she wouldn’t be disturbed. He would have to talk to her again another time. He wheeled away into his own bedroom.

—-

Around an hour later, Suki woke with a stir, taking a moment to recognise her surroundings. She must’ve fallen asleep here, and she noticed how she was tucked into the blanket. Elijah. How was she ever going to bond more with her flat mates If she couldn’t even stay awake to watch a movie with them? She sighed, folding up the blanket to place on the sofa arm again, and made her way into her own bed.

In the dark of the night, Suki’s thoughts wandered to Bryce’s lips on hers, his hands on her neck, his lips on her neck, his body close to hers…

She thought about that smirk and that laugh, the way his hair felt under her fingers, his taut stomach muscles under her hands. The way he tasted clean, faintly minty, the smoothness of his lips on her own. The feeling of her leg wrapped round his hip. If Zaid hadn’t interrupted when he had, Suki wasn’t sure she would’ve been able to stop. Truthfully, it had been a while since she’d slept with anyone, and a while since she’d actually been so sexually attracted to someone.

But she tried not to think about it. He’d helped her out of a tight spot earlier, and she’d thanked him. Now, she would have to put in all her effort to be a better doctor. Not try to sleep with the other interns. No matter how sexy their body and face and demeanour was. She wondered why he’d been so kind to her, taken the time to reassure her and validate her thought. Perhaps just a ploy to get that kiss, or something more, but Suki wasn’t really sure she cared if it had been. Even so, he’d seemed genuine. She supposed he was a doctor after all, helping people was second nature to him.

Come to think of it, the way they’d kissed in the supply closet struck that odd feeling in her again. How did she know him? Did he know her? Was she just superimposing someone else on to him to make him more appealing to her carnal desires and more of a mystery to solve? Maybe it was that if she let herself get hung up in this completely farcical idea, she could ignore what she was really thinking about deep down: her failures as a doctor.

So, maybe she didn’t know Bryce at all. She just liked how he looked and wanted there to be something. They say if you desire something, it pops up everywhere. So, those feelings of déjà vu, maybe they were all in her head. Or maybe she was just spiralling, after the ridiculously lengthy and eventful day. Her eyelids started to drop unintentionally. Maybe she would think about this tomorrow, instead…

[joy1579]

RFA + Saeran with MC with depression

these depression symptoms are based solely on my personal experience with depression. everyone experiences things differently if you or someone you love is going through depression no matter what symptoms they show or don’t show, they deserve love, compassion, and help. it does get better. help is out there and worth the effort. you aren’t alone.

Also my depression is almost entirely biochemical, meaning that when I’m on my medicine my depression is generally controlled very easily. This is why medication plays such a major role in these head cannons. Everyone’s depression treatment is different some people benefit more from counseling than medication. Some people require hospitalization some need tender in home care. Find what works for you and stick with it. I promise, it’s worth it.

Jumin

-        his approach is diligence.

-        he was so busy he didn’t notice at first

-        it was when the maid contacted him to ask if MC was okay that he started to pay attention

-        the maid had mentioned the MC had been in bed when she came to clean the last three days

-        Jumin knew MC wasn’t lazy far from it actually if she wasn’t busying herself with one of her many hobbies or planning the next RFA party she was usually visiting a friend not lying in bed.

-        something was wrong. he came home right away to check on her

-        she was surprised and apologized profusely as though she had been caught doing something wrong

-        “love I’m not angry, I’m worried.” she smiled lightly and assured him she was fine just tired recently

-        so Jumin watched closer, noticed more

-        he saw her eat less, sleep more, her knitting didn’t progress, nor did her reading or writing. the party planning came along but even it seemed to go slower.

-        it was when she started to leave sentences hanging that he put his foot down

-        “honey bunny really, please. I don’t need a doctor.”

-        “you aren’t yourself love. you don’t even talk to me anymore”

-        “we, we talk.”

-        “no I talk you listen. I miss you. your right beside me but you feel so far away”

-        “I probably just need my medicine”

-        “medicine. you didn’t tell me you take medicine! medicine for what are you okay?!?”

-        “I, I didn’t want to worry you! It’s not a big deal honestly I shouldn’t even need it. it’s so stupid. I take an anti-depressant or I’m supposed to. it’s hard to remember sometimes and I forget.

-        in an instant Jumin was hugging her carding his fingers through her hair holding her tighter than he had ever held anyone

-        “bring me your medicine. you’re taking it right now. from now on I won’t let you forget”

-        he came to bed every night with a glass of water and MC’s medicine.

-        he found support groups, funded research, sought out the best counselors and psychologists.

-        he hated that he couldn’t immediately fix the problem but if he couldn’t cure her then he would get her the best treatment money could buy

Yoosung

-        his approach is overprotective.

-        he first noticed how restless MC was. she would switch videos before they started, change apps before one had even finished loading.

-        “MC are you okay?” but she assured him she was

-        next he noticed that she wasn’t leaving the house as often, she didn't leave to see her friends and she hadn’t called her family in weeks. messages and texts would either be ignored or answered with single word replies.

-        even their conversations seemed far more one sided

-        something was off so he asked for help.

-        the chatroom was abuzz with worry about MC and Yoosung couldn’t keep up with all the advice

-        then he got a call. from V

-        V worried that MC might be depressed offered to give yoosung some numbers to call, doctors to see.

-        yoosung hung up and confronted MC immediately angry & scared

-        “is it true? why didn't you tell me?”

-        “it’s not bad really. most of the time I just need my medicine and I’m fine but,”

-        “but what”

-        mc see blinked back tears “I, I lost them in the move and I can’t get more till the end of the month. i thought, I thought I could make it but I’m so tired Yoosung”

-        he didn’t know what to say so he just held her. he stayed holding her all night”

-        the next morning, he helped her search the whole apartment and when they still couldn't find them they went to the pharmacy together to explain the situation

-        yoosung watched her carefully for weeks’ afterword to make sure she was okay

-        too anyone else he would have seemed paranoid but MC knew why he was so carful

-        he was shook after rika and wasn't going to take any chances with her

 Saeyoung

-        his approach is patient.

-        he knew the signs already

-        heck he had lived them

-        so when he noticed MC’s jokes had taken a darker turn he decided to watch her closer

-        and he saw it, saw her slowly slip into the habits he had seen so many times in the mirror.

-        so he did what he could. He held her when she shut down.

-        sought her out when she would hide

-        more often than not he simply sat in the room with her like she had with him. Sat near her so that when she felt like talking he would be there

-        after days of sitting next to her as waiting for her to reach out it happened

-        “I’m not okay”

-        this was progress since for days she had insisted that she was fine and simply just tired

-        “what do you need” he asked gently intertwining their fingers

-        “will you help me get my medicine. I ran out. I don’t know when I was supposed to get the refill”

-        this was something he could do and he would do anything for her

-        it does sooth his conscience a bit too know this was something she struggled with before meeting him and not because of him

 Zen

-        His approach is by far the gentlest

-        The first thing he noticed was her sleep.

-        She tossed and turned when before she would happily snuggle into his arms and stay there happily all night

-        Then he noticed her smile seemed more forced than before

-        She didn’t cry much but she also didn’t laugh like she had before

-        When she started having trouble falling asleep he sang her lullabies

-        When she started eating less he started learning to cook

-        When she left in the middle of his play and hid in the theater bathroom. He asked for answers.

-        Gently trying to coax her out of the bathroom to talk to him

-        The second the door is open he’s inside and holding her. She sits in his lap and cries for the first time

-        He sings to her gently and helps calm her down until her breathing evens out and she can talk

-        “I’m just so tired. I’m tired of everything Zen. I want to go home. Even when I’m home I want to go home I know it doesn’t make sense. I know. I’m just, I’m so tired”

-        He holds her tight telling her that it’s okay. That he’ll fix it.

-        Once she’s asleep he’s calling Jaehee. She’s smart and if anyone could find the help MC needs it’s her

 Jaehee

-        Her approach is slightly clinical

-        The first thing she notices is MC skips movie night

-        Then she sees her sleep in and skip a lot of her self-care

-        MC is still working as hard as ever but she’s exhausted all the time

-        She’s worried and when MC refuses to go to the doctor she does the research herself

-        Then she confronts MC too ask if her guess is right

-        when MC admits to getting off her meds jaehee goes rigid

-        jaehee is worried. everything about this feels uncertain and she hates feeling uncertain

-        So Jaehee does what she does best.

-        She plans. She learns. She works.

-        She knows the medication and how it works.

-        She sets up an entire routine for MC taking her medicine and doing all the self-care things that are supposed to help

-        She insists that MC see a councilor since she admits emotions aren’t her strong suit.

Saeran

-        His first tip-off is when she forgets to refresh the water in the flower vases

-        The second is when she skips walks in favor of staying in bed

-        It feels like he’s losing her and its making him panic a bit

-        he sees how lifeless her eyes are when he tells about the newest garden blooms

-        she’s not her positive happy go lucky self anymore

-        he hates it when she smiles and it looks so broken

-        he makes her a bowl of ice-cream and she only eats a fourth of it

-        he’s getting worried and trusting relationships are pretty new to him

-        but secrecy and information hacking aren’t so that’s what he goes back to

-        he finds your medical records and see’s you have an expired prescription for anti-depressants

-        he confronts you angrily and questions what’s wrong with you

-        how can you expect him to get treatment when you won’t even take your medicine

-        you explain that you were on your way to get your meds when you got called to mint eye

-        and then in all the chaos you forgot, and at this point you’d have to see your doctor again

-        your tired it doesn’t seem worth it

-        he looks guilty and ashamed but you pull him into your arms

-        he apologizes for everything with mint eye again and you can feel him shaking

-        you assure him it isn’t his fault, it was bad circumstances and bad timing not him

-        he makes you promise to go to the doctor you make him promise to go with you

-        you could do anything together after all

-        he wants you happy if you need this medicine then he wants you to have it

[yourtransgendersocialworker]

02.11.2020 On the ADHD Diagnosis

After traveling down several medical and therapeutic tracks, I was referred to see a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and trauma. I had my fourth appointment with him today, and of all my diagnoses, this one has felt the most jarring. 

About a year ago, my medication management provided a referral to be tested for ADHD. She had been thinking out loud for months that I had ADHD, something I vehemently denied, citing my strong work ethic and success as a student. I was tested using the Quotient Test, a computer-based exam that monitors your impulsivity, distractability, and inattention. The test boasts a high accuracy rate. I took the test, sitting in a hallway nook in an office. A person attached a sensor headband on my head and told me to click the mouse when I saw a star shape on the screen. At times, the task was incredibly easy, but I often clicked too soon and would react maybe a second or two late and realize my error. I laughed the few times it happened, thinking some mistakes are sure to be common. 

My med. provider was pleasantly surprised when the test results came back showing incredible impulsivity, scoring high deficits in all areas. Cue inner dialogue: “Me? Really? I bet my boss would never believe that. Is that why stuff is so hard? Is this why it feels like I’m working harder than everyone else around me?” Around July 2019,  I agree to try ADHD medication. At this point, I've tried so much, I'm pretty much willing to try anything the medical professionals recommend. I was prescribed Adderall at a low dose and I felt nothing. We tried a higher dose and I still felt nothing. I was going through so much at the time, and changing several medications after a medical procedure, I decided to stop taking the Adderall, with support of my doctor, because it wasn't doing anything anyway and I needed to see how my other medications were working. 

Fast-forward February 2020, I can happily say I have found a medication combination that is working for me.  When I was at my worst, providers were franticly adjusting medications frequently, hoping to see the slightest improvement. I have remained on the same medications for five months now, and that is the longest run I've had in a long time. I feel stable on my medication, but I still struggle in several domains. 

My medication provider and I recently circled back to the unmedicated ADHD and together, we agreed that trying a low dose medication, along with therapy, could be worthwhile. This time she perscribed Concerta at its lowest dose. After two weeks, I felt nothing, so she increased the dose to the next prescribed amount. So far, I feel nothing.

Today I met with the psychologist, Dr. Paul, and I asked, "What am I even supposed to feel on ADHD medication? I know some people take it to get high like speed but I'm assuming that's not what I'm supposed to feel. How will I know when it is working?" This question led to a much larger conversation about my ADHD diagnosis. I felt frustrated in my previous sessions, because I felt like Dr. Paul was trying to educate me on stuff I already knew about and he spent almost the entire second session talking. I think I spoke two or three sentences. I confronted him on this today, (not the not letting me speak part- I'm not *that* advanced- but the educating me on stuff I already knew about) and he got real with me real quick. It was much appreciated.

He explained that my ADHD affects my prefrontal cortex and I'm working often out of reptilian brain and mammalian brain, which could be translated as I'm working out of survival and emotion. I'm not accessing the further evolved prefrontal cortex often, or likely, mine isn’t development as much as the “typical” brain. As he explained just how this affects me, in strikingly accurate detail, I understood how ADHD and trauma work hand-in-hand. 

I've worked with so many kids with ADHD. To be honest, I didn't hold much weight in the diagnosis at all. I always thought- it's not ADHD, it’s trauma. But over the years, I've learned that trauma can cause ADHD- trauma and ADHD are not synonymous. But even then, I was still naive in my understanding of ADHD. I thought it meant kids who can't focus and are hyperactive and struggle in school. It surprises me (and kind of embarrasses me) to reflect back and see how little I understood about the diagnosis, even though I'd been working with kids diagnosed with ADHD for years. 

What was especially hard about today was Dr. Paul giving me the likely prognosis of my ADHD:

You will likely always struggle with a self-imposed routine. It likely won't become habit for you. You do and you will continue to thrive in structured settings. Lucky you. Lucky you that your ADHD has made it as such that you must complete all of your work as quickly as possible. You will probably always thrive in work settings, or settings where others are monitoring your performance. You will probably always struggle with your own free time. You will probably thrive better in a relationship than alone, because you have high standards on pleasing others, you work on an emotional satisfaction plane. Your energy and motivation will never be inherent. You will always be working at it, and you will likely have to change your approaches to structure and motivation often. What worked for months may not work tomorrow, and you have to try new approaches. You live in emotional brain. There are many ways this motivates and tears you down at the same time. Your brain likely isn't going to change that much, but self-imposed structure and medication will likely be very helpful. This was hard information for me to hold. I've known for a long time I need structure and routine. I've struggled with it for so long. I've managed to maintain a somewhat consistent morning routine and I always thrive in my work structure. I've talked to therapists about it for years and the phrase I said then is the same I say now, "I just want to be motivated. I want to WANT to be motivated." I've told countless therapists, and personally, I'm constantly swaying between, "Don't sleep all the time./ It's probably what my body needs." "Give yourself grace/ Hold yourself accountable." "You are lazy./ You are being kind to yourself." "You are good." "You are bad."

Dr. Paul explained how my impulsive brain responds to how I'm feeling in the moment. He told me I'll probably never have that intrinsic motivation and I'll probably need to consistently work on structure. He then talked me through the stages of grief. I recognized where I was. All I have wanted is structure. All I have wanted is to want to do the things that are best for me. To know I will likely always struggle is hard to stomach when so badly that's all I've wanted to accomplish and overcome. I was told a similar prognosis about suicidal ideation, and now I see how the two intertwine. 

I've tried several times before and I will try and try again. I've made signs for my mirrors and doors. I've set alarms and reminders. I've enjoyed brief periods of self-imposed structure and thrived and I've clung to that feeling but struggled to achieve it in any steady form for years. I don't know what else I can try and hearing the recommendations about setting a bed time alarm feel frustrating. But now I have to take this diagnosis and work with it. I'm often frustrated about the amount of work I have to do in *seemingly* comparison to others. I'm frustrated about this diagnosis and feeling worried. 

The good news is that I am in a place in my life where I am able to focus on this and attempt to alleviate some of the symptoms. I am curious, if I can get above this, how it may affect my mental health overall. I wonder if it could be a game changer. This all feeds in to this self-perpetuating fear that I thrive when I have a partner but not when I am alone. And that feeds into the other self-perpetuating fears. I know what I need. I understand it and I understand so many tools to help combat it. But I've always held the notion that once I established a solid and steady routine, I would stick to it and feel good and be good. Now, I feel like I have to accept that might not be a possibility to me. Maybe soon I will see this as freeing, but right now, I'm feeling sad, like I'll always be climbing a ladder, chasing that good feeling, but never finding solid footing. 

[bustedbernie]

Clinician tries to make sense of Bernie’s health letters

https://www.axios.com/bernie-sanders-health-doctors-heart-attack-919777ec-58ff-4ee8-9cc8-c1789a5cf00e.html

So at this link are the three letters the physicians provided. They're more detailed than the summary letter the campaign released but haven't gotten as much attention.

I have never met Sanders, this is entirely based on what's on the letter. I could be completely wrong since I'm only going off what they released. To summarize my conclusion, Bernie has mild heart failure and they're being careful not to admit it. I bet there was back and forth with the physicians to get the language just right.

They actually admit that the artery involved is the LAD (left anterior descending). Having a blockage there can be a very big deal, because that's the main blood supply to your left ventricle that does the heavy lifting of pumping blood out of your heart to the rest of your body. These types of heart attacks are sometimes termed "widow-makers". He's damn lucky he didn't decide to go back to his hotel room and sleep it off.

His initial echocardiograms are described as "accompanied by diminished heart muscle strength and chamber wall motion". Knowing that the LAD was involved not surprising. His left ventricle wasn't getting oxygen, so it's not going to be functioning normal. The way they'd measure "muscle strength" is via thing called ejection fraction. Every time your left ventricle contracts it pumps out a percentage of blood (it never pumps all of it out). If your muscle strength is diminished it's pumping out a lower percentage of blood, more blood is left in the heart, less is getting out to the rest of your body. So at this point he definitely had a reduced ejection fraction.

Follow up cardiology visits describe him as "your heart muscle strength has improved", "his heart function is stable and well-preserved", and "suffer modest heart muscle damage". They include some details of follow up echocardiograms that report normal chamber size, wall thickness, estimated pulmonary pressures, heart valves. But they don't report an ejection fraction which is weird and they specifically do not lump muscle strength with the "normal" crowd. So have to figure it out based on the descriptions, which my interpretation is his ejection fraction improved after stenting, it is maintaining at its post-stent level but did not return to baseline.

"You have never had symptoms of congestive heart failure"... huh that's weird for them to specifically invoke congestive heart failure but only deny symptoms and not the diagnosis. That's where I think some of the bargaining on language happened. The physicians would not outright deny congestive heart failure, but are willing to report that he's asymptomatic. You can absolutely have heart failure and be asymptomatic, there's specific classification for that NYHA stage 1 or ACC/AHA stage B.

And finally he's hypotensive 102/56, but is also on lisinopril. Lisinopril is used to treat a bunch of other things, blood pressure being the most common. With the elderly you do not want their blood pressure too low, because it increases the risk of having a serious fall (or an incident with a shower door). If it was just being used for blood pressure you'd discontinue it, benefits wouldn't outweigh the risk, he'd likely still be at his blood pressure goal without it. But lisinopril is also used for heart failure. After there's damage to your heart, it tries to fix itself via process called remodeling which can make things worse and decrease function but medications like lisinopril can pump the brakes on that process. In that situation the benefits outweigh the risks, hypotension is preferable to worsening cardiac function. Managing cardiac patients who don't have hypertension is a pain in the ass because you don't have a lot of room to lower their blood pressure but you really need to have them on certain meds.

And one minor thing which is weird they don't explicitly state because it's completely normal, Bernie likely had an episode of atrial fibrillation after stenting. Not surprising at all, happens often. The heart's electrical system is delicate and gets angry when you go poking around it or some of the muscle tissue dies disrupting the flow. Proof of this is mention of a discontinued blood thinner and "several 24-hour recordings of your heart activity". Again it's normal, only a problem if you don't convert back to normal sinus rhythm which looks like he did.

In my opinion the rest of the letters is noise and fluff. Bernie got lucky, extremely fucking lucky. If you're going to have your LAD try to murder you this is a good outcome but it is absolute batshit insanity to think that he's now stronger or even good as new. Heart failure does not go away, in the immediate aftermath after popping the artery back open you can see some improvement, but long term it is a progressive condition. This is Bernie's new normal only time will tell how it progresses and for his sake I hope slowly because living with symptomatic heart failure is awful.

[roxaeri]

hello! your akward family is the best. i wonder... will they ever go to grace? like i belive atreus would be realy curious to know how the rest of his family is? but here are kratos deimos and caliope going into protection mode. or maybe just go there in secret without telling the rest of the horrible family. idk... akward fam vacantion? caliope guiding atreus and aloy through the old ancient city parts. having fun. atreus plactesing more his greek. kratos and deimos building sandcastle?

((This isn’t going to go how you might have thought))(((Trigger Warning: Descriptions of PTSD symptoms. Brief explanations of memories. Correlating Health Issues.)))All Atreus ever knows about his living extended family in Greece is that even thinking about them is enough to put his dad and sister in a bad, closed off mood.But he is extremely curious. How could he not be?Mimir once told him that his aunt was super close to his dad, once upon a time, but that ended when she refused to walk away from their family when shit went down so long ago.Atreus is somewhere in his 20’s, maybe around mid-20’s, and is probably an established online entertainer. I mean, he’s been working this gig since he was 11. Over a decade of hard work.Maybe it’s a video project for a brand deal or something. Would probably be the younger half of DBPG.Atreus, Aloy, Trucy, Efi, and maybe the Brothers M&M for camera work.The idea is to reconnect them with a part of their lives they never really were part of.Like, for Aloy it’d probably be following her mom’s life before Aloy and Rost. Getting to know the people she knew and finding out more about this woman neither she nor her dad knew very well.Trucy–she’s Atreus’ manager but she is one of the public faces of DBPG. She has a half brother she’s never met and has barely spoken to.Efi hasn’t been back to her birth country since she left, but she keeps in regular constant contact with her friends and family there.M&M are there for camera work and translation help when they head north to where Atreus’ mom is from.So this big project has them traveling around discovering pieces of their lives that weren’t really there while they were growing up. A deeper look for their audience into their lives.Atreus is standing there on the island his mom was born on, taking it all in and fucking crying because he misses his mom. It’s getting close to two decades since she died. And he’s blubbering in Faroese, not hiding the fact that he’s a mess and that he’s been in pain and nauseous the whole trip.“I never had to hide this from my mom. And it’s not like I could lie to her. She just knew. She knew everything.”It’s getting towards the end of their stay on the island.“So, baby brother. Your thoughts?”“I’m entirely amazed. She was born here. It’s the first place where she spent her life before she explored the world. Before she settled back home. Before Dad. Before me. It’s easy to forget she had an entire lifetime before the life we had together.”“You’re telling me. I’ll never not be amazed by your parents’ stories. Or at least the ones I know.”“I’ve been entirely lucky with them.”“Alright. I was given this letter and instructed not to open it until today.”“Okay?”“I’m told it’s a surprise for you. Since you’re basically the main star of the show and our boss.”“Nah, Trucy’s our boss.”“Right? Anyways, let’s see what–”The shock on Aloy’s face before she shuts down her emotions has him worried. Everyone starts to worry when she signals for Magni and Modi to cut the cameras.“Aloy?”“I’m not reading this for a show.”And it takes a good while of arguing with the woman before she gives in, handing the letter to Atreus. The cameras are still rolling because even if they don’t show what happens next, their sponsors have to see why it could potentially be a horrible idea. Or it would be the most dramatic part of the series.“Atreus Loki Theodoros-Laufeyson. We would firstly like to thank you for nearly 16 years of dedicated entertainment, in sickness and in health. For all of the years we have followed along, it is obvious your wish to see the homeland of your Father and Sister. So our surprise for you is that we have booked you and company to visit Greece … As thanks for all your hard work.““You okay buddy?”“I just–I don’t know what to think.”Atreus spends their last day before they leave the next contemplating their sponsor’s offer. Magni stays with the main group, taking in the reactions.“How are you doing Aloy?”“I don’t like it. I want to be angry. Look at him. But it’s not my decision to make. Whatever he chooses, I’m there.”“So, got something against the country, or what?”Modi tries not to squirm in the uncomfortable silence as he has his camera trained on Atreus.“Whatcha thinking kid?”“I’m torn. I mean–it was offered as a gift. So I already feel bad about thinking of turning it down.”“Got a problem with the country?”“What? No! God no. I’ve wanted to go ever since I was a kid. This is the closest I’ve ever been to actually doing it.”“Then what’s stopping you? Your dad and your sister are from there.”“It’s just–it’s not my story to tell. Even if I knew that story, I wouldn’t talk about it. All I know both of them and Calliope’s mom swore to never go back. It’s kinda a learned thing for me to–avoid it. To stick to what I know about Greece. And what I know is it makes my family uncomfortable. Well, not really for uncle Deimos. He still goes back now and then.”It fuckin hits him them. Atreus needs to call Uncle Deimos.At this point Atreus is as fluent as he can be in Greek. His family has worked hard to get him to this point.“Uncle, I want to know your opinion on something. We’re recording, by the way, if that’s fine.”“Of course. And that is?”“How fucked up would it be for me to go to Greece?”He’s met with silence and that worries him. (And everyone who’s gathered nearby where they can hear him. (But they can’t understand a word of Greek themselves.))“… Is that where you’re supposed to go next?”“It’s a surprise offer. I have today to decide before we leave tomorrow. We’d be there about a week as well. But–well, you would know better than I do.”“That I do… . Listen Atreus. You’re an adult now. You can make decisions for yourself.”“I don’t want to upset–”“I know, Atreus. I know. I know better than you do about that. And as much as I love them, too, I still go. I never made the promise they did. I never lived their lives. If you can travel to where your mother was born, even with all the negatives in her life, why are you hesitating about going to Greece? What is the one thing your Father always tells you?”“‘Dammit Atreus, you need to sleep,’?”“–the next thing he always tells you.”“'You live your life for yourself. Not for me.’”“Does that help?”“Yeah. It does. But–you won’t tell them if I do it right? I’d rather not have radio silence if they find out. Which you know will happen.”“I won’t tell them. I’ll send you some suggestions on where to go.”“Thanks Uncle.”Atreus is all nerves. Jittery and bouncing and chewing hard on his lip. Atreus is a fuckin mess and when the hell are his meds going to kick in and finally work–its been a long ass flare up and while he’s held himself together pretty well, it’s made the entire project harder for everyone. But they couldn’t keep postponing it for his sake alone. And dammit he’s gonna be there for his friends.They spend the day they arrive resting and making plans for the next day, when they meet their guide who’s supposed to help Atreus with translating and knowing exactly where the places his uncle recommended are at.Atreus is in a balanced state of exhaustion and absolute excitement. He’s read up on Greece any chance he had without his dad knowing. Basically interrogating Mimir and Deimos when his dad wasn’t around to disapprove.“Hi. Atreus Theodoros-Laufeyson. Co-host of DBPG.”“Funnily enough, I know. My name is Athena Theodoros.”“… As in you know me from my work? Or you know me because you’re my aunt from my dad’s side?”“Oh fuck …““Your father is my brother, yes. I was contacted because I am your aunt and the fact that I work as a celebrity guide for all of Greece.”“As grateful as I am for meeting you and you coming out to meet us–I can’t in good conscious do anything else that would upset my family.”“I believed this might happen. I created this itinerary for you based on what you sent to me yesterday. Deimos always knew the best places. And thank you for making it possible to see how my brother is doing.”“Yeah, sure.”Atreus isn’t really sure what to make of the exchange (entirely in Greek), as he looks through the binder. It’s super high quality for being made in such a short time for an entire week.“My contact information is inside if any of you need my help as all.”Athena is nice and the vibe he gets from her tells him why she and his dad were close once. It’s the knowledge that she dropped all contact with his dad after what happened that makes him uneasy around her.Atreus spends the next few days in Greece enjoying his time, even as he struggles and is forced to sleep between destinations or even take a long break at a few.Even as everyone keeps a close eye on Atreus, Trucy and Efi keeping him between them, no one is prepared for when Atreus just fucking drops on the stairs.It’s a childhood nightmare revisited as Efi checks on him, Aloy beside them, unable to get a response. Trucy scrambles for Athena’s card for translation help because Magni and Modi can’t find a single person who speaks English well enough to give them the advice they need as they wait for an ambulance someone tells them they called in stilted English.But the time she has Athena on the phone, there’s more people who can walk them through it. A young woman–a fan that’s passing by–is the exact help they need as they plan to follow the ambulance and meet Athena at the hospital.It’s all over the internet, from fans that spotted them and followed their project quietly in Greece.Calliope can’t be mad that Atreus didn’t say anything about going there. She’s calm and collected as she talks to Aloy and the others. But she’s fucking terrified and on the verge of breaking as she calls her father.“Calliope–”“Call Aloy or Trucy. Atreus collapsed in Greece. I’m on the next flight out.”“I will be as well.”“Send me all the information I’ll need to know.”“I will.”The few hours it takes her to get there are too long. She breaks down on the plane, praying when she’s never prayed before. And it’s not to any god.“Faye, please–”Her anxiety is high and Lena doesn’t let go of her hand the entire flight. Calliope is sure she’d lose it even more if she did. The memories hard and hot and coming back too fast as they land. And she’s not sure which she would rather face: the memories, or the dread of what might be happening to her baby brother.But she doesn’t get a choice.Calliope faces both once she’s at the hospital and Aloy throws herself into her arms, with Athena shrinking away as she’s spotted.Athena isn’t what matters, or even if her grandfather or the family finds out they’re here.“Where is he?”“I don’t know,” Efi speaks up, the only one able to. “Athena said the doctor was waiting for you. Kratos said you would have Atreus’ entire health history.”“Mimir sent it while I was on the plane.”By the time she sees him, it’s obvious something is horribly wrong that they all missed.Atreus is pale–paler than when she last saw him. He’s bruised wherever he’s been handled–the worse in the areas of medical equipment. There’s also a dark bruise on his head where he hit the steps before any one could catch him.“… Calliope–”“You don’t deserve to be here. You don’t deserve to speak to him.”“I only want to help.”“Then leave! You didn’t help my father when Ares nearly killed him. You didn’t help when he set our house on fire trying to kill us! You stayed to work for the man who left us to his tender mercy. You, aunt Athena, don’t deserve to even know Atreus.”Magni’s heard enough, even if he only understands the sound of anger in the woman’s voice. The tears already falling from Calliope’s eyes. He sees how her entire body shakes, and the look on her face tells him that she’s not just seeing her brother in a hospital bed.Were it Modi, and their family, Magni wouldn’t hesitate to swing.He doesn’t say a thing to Athena before he herds her out of the room without touching her. He stays, silent, sure Atreus wouldn’t forgive him if Magni had let his sister suffer. He’s heard unedited footage of Atreus mentioning that Calliope refused to ever step foot in Greece again before he requested Aloy cut that out. The entire situation has to be absolute hell for her.“I almost died from smoke inhalation when I was eight. Both of my parents have burn scars.” He’s seen the ones on Kratos under the tattoos. “My father’s second wife died from cancer. He’s already almost lost Atreus once to childhood cancer.”“And now?”“–I-I’m scared we’re all going to lose him.”Calliope is on the edge of breaking, but holding Atreus hand keeps her together just a little bit more.“I swore I’d never come back. But if he dies, I swear I’ll be stuck here for the rest of my life.”“He won’t die. I’ve never met anyone with more fight in them than that kid.”“You don’t know that for sure.”“Neither do you.”He has to look away as Calliope rests her head on the bed, looking up at Atreus with teary eyes and a blank face, fingers running lightly along his bruised arm, kissing his fingers.“You have to stay, Atreus. Whatever’s wrong, we’ll fix it. I’m selfish. I can’t lose you when you’ve become such a large part of my life. I want to see you live out your dreams as I have. I want to still be apart of your journey. So please, be strong enough to make it through this.”In her scrambled thoughts, she sees her brother as he is, but also as the eleven year old who worked himself into a coughing fit the first time he saw her. The kid who cried the first time he saw her perform live on stage. She breaks, her body hollow and aching and burning and suffocating in more memories than the ones of actual fire.“Please Atreus. Please be okay. I need you.”

[zombiesbecrazy]

Rainbow Puppies

Summary: Bruce really wanted to hate Pamela Isley right now, but all that he could focus on was how much he admired the way she passionately fought for her beliefs and how he could applaud her application of her educational background into practical endeavors to her cause, however misguided.

Being hit with one of Ivy's toxins now has him babbling like a fool.

ao3

Bruce scowled at the computer screen at his test results, because all they really did was confirm what his body was already telling him. He made his way over to the med bay and hooked himself up to the saline IV line that he already had set up, resigned to the fact that he was going to be out of commission for several hours. There was really nothing he could work on until he could fully trust himself to be objective again. He laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, but his thoughts continued to run wild even as he feels his brain becoming more sluggish by the minute.

He really wanted to hate Pamela Isley right now, but all that he could focus on was how much he admired the way she passionately fought for her beliefs and how he could applaud her application of her educational background into practical endeavors to her cause, however misguided.  He couldn’t stop his mind from whispering to him that the gas that she had shot him with an hour ago was nothing short of genius and he wanted to give her the credit that was due. It was remarkable chemistry work.

He wanted to be filled with rage, except all that was inside was quickly starting to feel more like rainbows and puppies. Or rainbow coloured puppies. Those would be delightful.

The abundance of positivity was distracting. All the emotions building inside him were startling at worse, but his inability to reign them in was more than concerning.  Just a side effect of the drug, he repeated in his head over and over.

As Bruce was just thinking about how lucky he was that no one was around to see him in such a state, before sleep inevitably takes him, when he heard the roar of a motorcycle come into the cave. He turned his head in time to see Dick jump off his bike and his heart soared in an irritating way to see him stride across the cave.

Without looking around, Dick went straight to the weapons station and started going through the cabinets looking for something in particular. “Hey Bruce. Just making a pit stop before I head home. One of my escrima sticks is causing me problems and I wanted to tinker with its elec…” He pulled out a small voltage meter, then looked towards the computer desk and only now seemed to realize the Bruce was not there like he had obviously assumed.  His eyes scanned the cave and widened when he noticed Bruce laying down. Dick walked over quickly and looked Bruce over with careful, but worried, eyes. “What’s the damage?”

“No physical injuries.”

“So what’s with the drip?”

“Ivy got me with something at the botanical gardens. A sort of pheromonal truth serum hybrid that appears to be having a temporary, but dynamic, upswing of my serotonin and dopamine levels.  I have an antidote synthesizing but it’s going to take several hours before its ready. Effects will probably wear off before it’s done. Trying to flush it out faster.”

“Where’s Alfred?”

“I sent him upstairs for the night. No reason for him to sit with me during this. I’m fine.”

“A pheromonal truth serum affecting serotonin and dopamine.”

“Yes.”

“From Ivy.”

“Yes.”

“You sound kind of drunk.”

“Side effect. Will probably pass out soon. Good pass out, not bad pass out.”

“With no other physical symptoms presenting…” Dick raised an eyebrow slowly. “You’re saying that you are either going to start sleepily spilling positively charged emotional secrets at any moment or are you about to become an angry rage monster and should maybe be restrained?”

“The first one. Please leave.”

Bruce averted his eyes to stare steadfastly at the ceiling, but he could practically feel the smile he knew would be growing on Dick’s face. “Why on earth would I leave? It’s like Christmas came a few weeks early.”

“Because if you stay, I’m going to talk. A lot. I can feel it bubbling up. It’s violating.” And it’s wonderful. He felt amusingly numb and a little bit stoned. Damn Ivy. He felt torn about wanting to go after her or getting her a present.

“Well that’s a shame, because I love talking. It’s one of my top five things to do.”

Always the chattiest of his partners, this was no surprise to Bruce.  He loved that Dick hadn’t lost that trait as he grew up. Still loquacious and witty to the core. “I know.”

“Talking to me is probably better than talking to yourself. You’ll sound less crazy.”

Dick probably wasn’t wrong. If he was going to share his emotions unwillingly, he’d rather it be with his son who regularly wore his heart on his sleeve than anyone else, but he still had enough control over himself to deny it. For now. “Leave. Now.”

“Gee whiz, Batman! Whatever you say!” Contrary to his words, Dick sat down on the chair next to the bed. “Except no. You’re injured and alone. I’m staying put.” He kicked his feet up on the edge of the bed next to Bruce to emphasize his point. Stubborn boy. Following his gut. Nothing wrong with that.

Bruce tried to muster up the words to tell him that he wasn’t really injured, but he couldn’t truthfully do that. He may be physically fine but whatever Ivy had sprayed him with was essentially a toxin to his system. Toxin is poison is injury. “I think you are the reason I may hate extroverts.” Throwing the may in there was just enough to allow the words to sneak though. Made it less definitive.

Which doesn’t actually work because Dick can read him like a book, and he smiles at Bruce and points at him accusingly with the damaged stick. “Liar. You love me. I’m great.”

“You’re right. I love you. And I like extroverts.” And the words are all coming out before he can even think about them. “They have a natural quality I respect. I can fake it for a while when needed, but it’s draining. Draining isn’t even the right word. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how you do it. I wish that I was better at it.” There is something comforting about letting the words come out.  He feels open and light in a way that he can’t remember ever feeling like.  Is this what Dick felt like all the time? “I’m a babbling fool. I like listening to it when it’s coming from you, because it’s normal that way.  It’s off putting to hear it coming out of my own mouth.”

Knowing that this way probably just the beginning, Dick smiled and had a sparkle in his eye.  “Anything else?”

“Hrh.”

“You love me.”

Bruce kept his eyes closed, but gave a small nod. “Yes. You knew that already.”

“I did, but its still nice to hear out loud. We don’t hear it from you often. I’m glad you said it.”

“Did you know you’re my favourite?” The words surprised him, but they were true. It was something that Bruce needed to say. That he needed Dick to hear. Urgently.

“What? No. Really?”

“Yes. You gave me purpose at the beginning, Dick. I put a roof over your head, but you made the manor a home again. You brought light into my darkness. You saved me from myself.” Bruce had heard the shock in Dick’s voice and it confused his already foggy mind. How could Dick not know this? “I know what people say about me. That I’m dark, dramatic, closed off and broody and that it started when Jason was killed. It’s all mostly true, but I was always that way to a point. You slowed that progress significantly. You made me better. Make me better. Having you in my life, having someone to care for who cared for me as well, was the thing that I needed most at exactly the right moment.”

The room was quiet for a few moments and Bruce knew Dick’s eyes were on him. He refused to look back. He heard Dick shift in his chair a little and then felt a hand rest gently on his arm. “Even when things were bad? We were real jerks to each other for a long time”

Bruce swallowed deeply, a little concerned about what was going to fall from his lips. They had spoken about this, of course, but never so direct and raw, without Bruce’s filter between them. “Things were definitely rough, but I still loved teen angst filled Dick Grayson. So much. I was mostly frustrated and disappointed in myself that I didn’t know what do to do with or for you anymore. Just like I didn’t really know what to do with a kid when you first arrived, I was equally unprepared for that kid to grow up and be ready to make his own way. I handled it badly. When you left home and became Nightwing I was so proud of you. Of the man that you were starting to become. Of the little role that I had played to help you become who you are now. You are more than I could have hoped you would be when you first came to live here. Every day I want to thank your parents. For giving you such a good foundation to start with. They were excellent parents. I just tried to keep up.” Dick gave Bruce’s shoulder a squeeze in response, a non verbal nudge to keep going. “It’s not just how you changed me though. It’s about who you are overall. The scale of evil to good in my head quantifiably goes from ‘Joker to Dick Grayson’. You aren’t perfect, but you always strive to be better and you are the best person I know.”

All these words and they still feel like they aren’t enough to describe how he feels, but still, he feels content. Glad they are out there.

“I’m flattered, but you’re crazy if think I’m a better person than Clark.”

“Now you are just taking advantage of me in my drugged compliant state.” He finally opened his eyes again and turned his head to look at Dick. “And yes, I most definitely think you are better. I may be biased though. Clark’s not one of my kids.”

“I don’t deserve all that, and I certainly can’t live up to it, but thank you. So much. For saying that and everything else. I love you too.” Dick took his feet off the bed, moved his chair closer and took Bruce’s hand. “Why don’t you tell us more often?”

“Words are hard sometimes.”

“You sound like Cass.”

“She’s not wrong. I’m not good with feelings. Or talking. You know that. Actions speak louder than words. Even now all this talking and my words make more sense in my head.” He grinned and it felt a little goofy. “Cassandra is definitely my favourite.”

Now Dick straight up laughed at him and it sounded like music to Bruce.  He loved to hear his kids laugh; big or small it meant that they were safe and happy. “I don’t want to sound all school yard jealous or anything, but you did just tell me that I was your favourite less than five minutes ago.”

“You’re all my favourites. Dick, Cass, Tim, Damian, and Jason.” He counts them on his fingers. “Favourites.” He points at Dick vaguely, trying to emphasize something. He can feel himself starting to slip, but this feels important. “That was in no particular order.”

“You are such a dad sometimes.”

“Good. Love being a dad. It’s hard and I’m not always good at it, but taking all of you in were the best decisions I ever made.”

“You should tell the others.”

“Probably.”

“But you won’t.”

“Nope.”

“Of course not.” Dick rolled his eyes, but clearly had affection behind the action. “I really should be filming this as evidence. And I should be pestering you for more things that I can use as blackmail down the road.”

“You don’t need to. You already know all my secrets. If you ever want to know something, just ask.”

“You’ll just grunt at me.”

“Good thing you are fluent in Batman.”

“Very true. It’s a special skill I acquired at a young age. Helps when you are the practice kid. I got to teach the others after me.” Dick’s observing him carefully, the way that Bruce had trained him to evaluate people. Taking in all of the details and profiling. “You look tired.”

Bruce nods and he’s struggling to stay conscious.  He knows that he should go to sleep but part of him is liking this drug, being open and honest, and if he goes to sleep the drug will wear off and he’ll be the same as he was before. It’s been a nice change of pace when most times when things change in his life, there are explosions. “I’m always tired.” He can’t remember the last time he slept more than five hours.

“Sleep now. I’ll stay and keep an eye on things. Fix my stick while I’m here. You have better equipment here than at my place anyway.” Bruce hears the distinctive beep that the voltage meter made when it turns on, and he knows that Dick is lying to him.  He has the exact same voltage meter at his kit at home. Bruce knows, because Bruce gave it to him.  It’s a white lie though.  Nine year old Dick Grayson had once taught Bruce that white lies were sometimes allowed if they didn’t hurt anyone. If they made people feel better.

“You mean you’ll keep an eye on me. You don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”

“That may be true, but I think you’d like it if I stayed.”

“I would. You always have my back, even when you probably shouldn’t. I miss you when you aren’t here, but you’re all grown up. Can’t be here forever.” Silence falls between them again, but there is something else that Bruce needs to say again. Needs Dick to know for sure. “Rainbow puppy.” Bruce hears it come out of his head and knows that they don’t make sense. He tries to explain it to Dick, how the drug makes him feel, how his family makes him feel, but it all comes out like mush.  

Dick chuckled, but it sounded genuine and heartfelt. It always did. “I love you too, Bruce. Goodnight.”

Bruce gave him a small grin, knowing that what he meant got across, and lets the sleep finally take him. The last thing he feels is Dick rubbing his hand gently.  It feels nice and warm. Like home.

[docfuture]

Sparring Match, Part 3

     [This story tried really hard to expand to novella or novel length, but I’m already in the middle of one of those 8-).  It takes place between Chapter 30 and Chapter 32  of The Maker’s Ark.  The most recent regular chapter is here, links to my other work here.  Planning a return to Maker’s Ark in two weeks, but might end up with another short work instead.  There will be other stories involving Jumping Spider and Breakpoint at some point.   I plan to put up a progress update regardless.]

Previous:  Part 2

     "The Seer's Madness, eh?" said Jumping Spider.  "That fits with a lot of the little clues I've been picking up, and one big one.  Interesting that it's common enough in the Nine Worlds that they came up with a generic term for it.  I thought Seers were rare."       Yiskah smiled grimly.  "They're rare because the 'Madness' is common, chronic, and often lethal.  Suicide is by far the most frequent cause of death.  And that's for adult extradimensional beings who have already made it over some pretty severe hurdles.  I know from personal experience that staying alive and sane through childhood and adolescence as a human with any kind of extrasensory ability is very hard.  Neither of the two previous controllers of this body managed it."       "I see."  Jumping Spider leaned back in her chair and sipped her coffee.       "But 'Seer's Madness' is a description based on symptoms, not a diagnosis.  By itself, it tells you nothing useful about causes or cures.  Osk knew someone named Hrothgar who had powers similar to Breakpoint.  Loss of self, and their struggles against it, seemed to be key issues for them both.  So he's listening to her."       "Well, I've known that Breakpoint's danger sense was protecting his self-identity, not just his life, for a while.  And it might trigger if you tried to help him.  But he's in more trouble than I thought if he'd rather die than let you do that mind probe.  Are you sure that's really what's going on?"       "No," said Yiskah.  "His self-identity and life are so intertwined, there's no safe way for me check.  That's why I agreed to let Osk handle him.  I wouldn't try mind alteration without a damned good reason.  But my good reasons and his might not match.  If he lost self-control and lashed out using his weakness detection while I was inside his mind, I'd probably be hurt, but survive--but it would trigger my mind trap, and kill him.  That could be what his danger sense is picking up."       Jumping Spider stared at her coffee cup.  "And he can't tell.  And even if he's on track to die without help, he'd rather die as who he is now than lose his identity too."       "Yes.  But Osk thinks she can get him to the point where he will accept help--your help, if not mine."       "Yeah.  Problem with that.  I'm not a nurturing type.  I mess with minds, I don't heal them."       "Neither do I.  I did what I could.  Telepathy can help a lot with diagnosis--if it's a problem I understand.  And I have some experience.  But there's no manual for telepathic treatment of mental disorders, and even if there were, what he did wouldn't be in it."       Yiskah spread her hands.  "Everyone thinks of me as the 'mind healer' because I brought Doc out of his coma.  I got him from 'dying' to 'not dying'.  I did not heal him--what healing he's done has been on his own.  And best not get me started on trying to find an ethical way to practice mind surgery."       Jumping Spider looked up and smiled.  "Oh, someday I'd like to.  But not today.  So.  Where do you want me to start our story?"       "From when you first started working together, but focus on the personal and emotional, and differences between Breakpoint's reactions and what you expected.  Anything you found surprising is a potential clue to helping him."       "All right."  She set down her cup, put her hands behind her head and looked thoughtful.       "I've worked with quite a few people over the years, but I've never had a regular partner for field work.  I got a heads up that Breakpoint was interested and a skimpy dossier from Doc a few years back.  I did a little digging of my own.  Two things stood out.       "The IC agencies didn't have anything on Breakpoint's personal background.  They assumed the synthetic ID Doc gave him was fake, but you can usually get some indirect stuff.  But the nothing they had told me Breakpoint was good at deep cover.  It piqued my interest.  The other thing I found was that he was really good at adjusting to new surroundings and making surface contacts, but he never cultivated anything long-term.  He always moved around."       "Did that make you suspicious?" asked Yiskah.       "A bit.  I double-checked my alien under-cover agent theory after the good impression he made at our first meeting, but it didn't hold up.  He's human, and after a bit of oblique questioning, I had an answer to his secrecy and his desire to be my partner.  Not a complete one, but enough."       "Oh?"       "After the initial shine of being a superhero wore off, he did some hard thinking about root causes and how he could best apply his abilities.  And he didn't trust the end of the Lost Years.  He observed that it didn't matter that his power wasn't genetic--if the wrong people decided to find out if it was.  I knew what that meant.  He still had living family.  And he might be dead to them, but he was never ever going to let anyone know who or where they were.  So they didn't end up dead, period."       "Did he know about your part in the demise of the Superagent program?"       "He guessed.  'Professionally done, no useful clues, never solved, world is a better place now' has been circumstantial evidence pointing to me for a while now.  I got a hint at a bit of well-hidden PTSD, and an obvious subtext that if any nation-state or organization started going after families again--of anyone, hero or villain--he'd be more than willing to help me take them out."       "So you accepted him then?"       "Oh, hell no.  That just meant I didn't reject him automatically.  There are good reasons I usually work alone, so I put him through the wringer first.  I figured the most likely difficulties would be either the frequent lack of closure that comes with the territory, or him turning into Overprotective Man trying to cover me with his danger sense.  Neither of those turned out to be a problem."       Jumping Spider took another sip of coffee.  "Then there were the potential coordination and psychological issues caused by my personal style.  He surprised me there.  He's good at picking up on cues and following my lead as needed, and it took me quite a while to find any way to fluster him or make him angry--and I'm very good at that."       "I'm sure he researched you."       "I can research, too.  But about the only thing that seemed to bother him was calling his mental tricks 'Zen'; he said it was inaccurate and somewhat disrespectful, even if no one else was ever likely to say so.  He was quite willing to lecture me on the finer points of the distinction for longer than I ever managed to keep listening.  I stopped trying to wind him up that way after he changed tacks once, waited for me to notice, and got me with 'That was Zen; this is Tao.'"       "Heh."       "That was typical of how he handled my tests--deflection, humor, or turning them into a mutual game. I eventually took him on a trial mission and everything went fine.  He was also right about just how much time his danger sense could save me.  Infiltration and setup got way quicker with his help."       "When did the personal attraction start?"       "The physical attraction was pretty quick.  I wanted to see how he handled frustration, so I told him I was going to push a few things as part of testing him.  And that 'I'll tell you if you start to bother me' wasn't good enough--he needed to be clear about any boundaries that were important to him."       "And was he?"       "Technically, yes.  I hit my own boundaries first.  That's when I said the hell with it and called him good enough, even though I still had a few reservations."       "Such as?"       "You know how Doc won't take personal time?  He knows it's important, but he's bad at it, thinks other things are more important, and won't listen when you try to tell him otherwise?  And acts like he's trying to work off bad karma from destroying the world in a past life?"       "Too well."       Jumping Spider frowned.  "Breakpoint is socially perceptive and skilled--but social connections are for work and cover.  He won't take personal time because he doesn't think it's important for him.  Which makes him sound like a sociopath, but he's not.  He knows it's important for other people, he's considerate, and he listens.  Which doesn't fit."       "It fits with how most people see The Volunteer.  And Breakpoint used that image as his model.  But the Volunteer is asexual, and Breakpoint isn't."       Jumping Spider snorted.  "Damned right he isn't.  Which made it interesting that I had so much trouble reading him.  It set off a few alarm bells.  But he was an excellent partner.  Then things started getting personal for me."       "Was there a specific trigger?"       "Oh yeah.  I needed some time off after a long mission.  Beach time in the Med.  I knew he needed time too, he'd gotten hit by several big false alarms while we were together."       "Do you know what caused them?"       "One was Flicker; I'm not sure about the others.  I asked him how he was going to unwind, and he gave me some BS about putting in some martial arts practice time.  I told him that wasn't healthy; he should come with me.  He pointed out we needed a cover.  So I told him we'd be NIA agents, a married couple on our anniversary, with secondary cover as contractors."       Jumping Spider snapped her fingers. "And like that, I had a Stepford husband."       Yiskah considered what she was picking up from her mind scan.  "That has a lot of implications.  Could you give an example?"       "Sure.  We attracted a fair amount of attention--that's why we needed a cover if we were going to relax--and I lost count of the number of times strangers told me how lucky I was, or, more often, how lucky we were.  And then came the boots."       "The boots?"       Jumping spider nodded to where her jump boots were leaning against the wall.  "Boots matter a lot to me.  I need both ankle and knee support for safe landings.  That's why I wear thigh-highs.  I'd been thinking of changing my look for a while, and I saw a nice pair in a shop with a design that might be compatible with the right kind of reinforcement, so I bought them to see if they were comfortable enough to wear for very long."       She laughed.  "They weren't.  I ended up back at the hotel with sore feet.  Breakpoint helped me take the boots off.  Then started to rub my feet.  I told him he didn't have to do that.  And do you know what he said?"       "What?"       "'Your husband would rub your feet.'"       Vivid imagery went with that memory.  "Ah," said Yiskah.  "It wasn't--"       "That wasn't cover."  Jumping Spider smiled.  "Cover was his excuse.  And then he rubbed my feet--using his power."       "Was that as good as--"       "Better."       "Oh."       "When he finally finished, I didn't say anything or move for a little bit.  Then I told him that my husband would also make love to me.  And I very much wanted him to."  Jumping Spider sighed.  "And his danger sense went off."       "How did he handle it?  He mentioned to me that you were frustrated."       "He handled it with good humor, and I was fine--I was more frustrated after our second try.  And it wasn't just sexual frustration, it was intel analysis frustration.  I couldn't figure out what it meant, and he didn't know."       "And you're expert at extracting information from sexual reactions."       "Yep.  They're like a canary in a coal mine for a lot of things people try to hide.  But his trigger wouldn't be warning away from starting a relationship--we already had one.  I didn't think it was a specific sexual problem of his, but I couldn't completely rule it out until you did.  But the real puzzler was why his danger sense didn't go off before he started to rub my feet--it was inevitable I was going to ask at that point."       Yiskah leaned back. "It's possible it was an early warning to you, precisely because it was your expertise.  He's good at extracting signal from the noise of his danger sense, but it's limited for long-term dangers.  He triggers off some boundaries because they're the only obvious point for a warning."       "Yeah.  We talked about that.  It can work like a warning sign at the top of a ridge. It's not because the ridge is dangerous; it's for something on the other side.  The ridge is just the easiest place to see the sign."  Jumping Spider waved a hand.  "But he couldn't read the sign.  And neither could I.  He said he'd work on it, so I was willing to wait.  Then."       Yiskah frowned.  "He was reluctant to reveal he can see signs like that at all.  And he downplayed how much the false alarms and noise wear at him.  Flicker seems to be a frequent source, and he doesn't want her to know.  Is that why he resisted coming here?"       "Unless she was gone or busy, yes.  All her Database snooping didn't help, either.  Neither of us know exactly why his danger sense warns him away from her--there are so many possible good reasons.  But Breakpoint wanted to keep a connection, and stay on good terms with her, no matter what.  Two words paid for it all, he said.  I was there when he yanked out his phone, hit the emergency call, and said them, so I can't argue."       "What were they?"       "'Earthquake.  Japan.'"       "Ah."       "So he definitely didn't want Flicker to find out how badly he got wrecked during her battle with the Xelian fleet."       "That was a difficult time for many of us," said Yiskah dryly.       Jumping Spider shook her head.  "Most of it didn't faze him.  Not the Volunteer, not the bombardment starting, not Flicker setting the sky on fire with her rocks.  But for about five minutes in the middle, she started ending the world, at least for him.  Over and over.  Every few seconds.  Breakpoint could feel it coming every time, and he lost it.  Started babbling, and was completely helpless.  We were on stakeout together, waiting to catch that assassin, and I had to hold him--I was worried he might hurt himself."       "I got only a hint from my mind scan, of something he was hiding well."       "He doesn't remember most of it.  Post-traumatic amnesia.  He didn't even remember the big power transformer next door blowing up, and we were about thirty feet away--pieces of it came flying through the window.  The only part he does remember is the end, when he was crying and babbling how the world kept ending, but only he could hear the echoes.  And everything was dangerous, because everyone was dying anyway, so he was useless.  I just held him and made soothing noises.  Then, a little bit after everything else stopped, so did he.  He got this stricken look of embarrassment, pulled himself together, and said he was okay.  I took a little convincing."       "Understandable."       "Turns out his babbling was triggering him, too, but he couldn't tell until afterwards because he was overloaded.  He was lying when he said he was okay, but he got his act together, said I'd kept him alive, and he was ready.  We had to move--the transformer blowing meant our spot wasn't inconspicuous anymore.  But his danger sense was working again, and we caught the fellow with the virus sprayer just before he got to Donner.  You know the rest of that story."       "And there was no way you were going to let things go after that."       "No.  Besides whatever that cost him, Breakpoint had at least one long term problem he didn't understand, we'd already had a clear warning, and he could no longer pretend--to me--that his danger sense would necessarily protect him.  He needed help.  My problem was arranging the logistics without setting him off.  Can I just say that trying to get someone with danger sense to stop stalling is a royal pain?"       "Yes."  Yiskah smiled.  "You managed, though."       "But you can't help him."       "I've already helped him--I just can't directly fix his problems.  But I don't trigger his danger sense for boundary crossings, because of my mind trap.  I have to do something specific.  That's what let me find out what I did, bring in Osk, and get him to the point he was willing to listen.  He'd never have trusted her enough, otherwise.  You still don't."       Jumping Spider smiled.  "I'm still alive because I'm a nasty, suspicious person.  Flicker's Choosers are old, smart survivors.  I don't forget who they worked for and with, and for how long--and how much Flicker, DASI, and you don't know about their history."       "She hasn't set off Breakpoint's danger sense, and she's not even trying to evade it."       "Oh, I believe she'll help him if she can.  That's not the same thing as trusting her."       "Fair enough.  But I need to update her.  Are you okay with that?"       A half-smile.  "To help him?  I said I was.  Go ahead."       "Done," Yiskah said, after a short bit of mental communing.  "And now we wait."       *****       Jumping Spider waved at the display.  They'd been talking for about an hour.  "No, it was easy to see why she needed to be at least two people.  DASI and Black Swan.  Good Cop and Bad Cop.  Omnipresent but trustworthy, if mostly invisible and incomprehensible, versus performance personified, scary and dangerous.  The 'parking ticket' plan worries me, though."       "Why?" said Yiskah.       "Because of how it will be perceived by authoritarian regimes.  I think she's trying to get someone to make a mistake, probably Russia, but they aren't stupid enough to try to nuke her without a lot more provocation that she's given so far."       "If you accepted Stella's offer, you'd know."       "A human director of EDU Intelligence would be mostly a figurehead.  And it's a desk job.  Hell no.  Not unless my knees go, and I can probably talk Doc into building me new ones if they do.  I'm more useful--"       "Hang on.  Update from Osk."       *****       Breakpoint had changed back into his coverall and carried his crowbar.  He also wore a pack; he was clearly planning a trip.  Osk had accompanied him, then left to give them privacy.       "It's no quick fix, but I didn't expect one, and there's no point in delaying anymore," he said.  "I've done too much of that already."  He nodded to Jumping Spider, who snorted.       "We got here," she said.       "Thanks to you.  But I owe you both a full explanation first."       "I'm a bit curious about why you think Osk knows enough to guide you through this."       He nodded.  "Putting minds together from pieces that don't always fit is part of what Choosers do.  That's where einherjar came from.  It's tricky, but Osk is good at it.  Some other Choosers weren't as good--and their einherjar struggled.  Osk has been helping those for more than a hundred years.  The key is to take things slowly.  My first step is a trip to the Nine Worlds."       "Where will you go?" asked Yiskah.       "A place called Ending Falls, to start."       "Ominous name," said Jumping Spider.       "It's called Beginning Falls, too," he said.  "The name for it means both.  The stream from Flicker's pool joins several others, and the Falls are where it meets the sea."       Yiskah frowned.  "I think Journeyman once got into trouble there."       "Osk mentioned that.  It dispels illusions and concealment--and someone saw him.  But it won't directly harm a human, and it weakens the hold of obsessions and false visions.  It's a traditional first stop for beings with power who have screwed something up and are trying to start fresh.  And it helps with the Seer's Madness.  Lif uses it."       "Sounds reasonable," said Yiskah.  "Then what?"       "I can't work continuously on what I need to do.  I'll need to recover after each incremental change.  And what I do during the recovery time is pretty important.  I'm going to work with Osk to help out in the Nine Worlds.  There are a lot of places that are filled with the magical equivalent of old landmines and unexploded bombs.  And people live in them.  They farm in them.  Do you know how dangerous it is to be a farmer there?  And they look out for each other, but my danger sense could be a big help.  And there are these things called void worms that--"       "You miss helping people," said Jumping Spider.       "Yes," he said.  "Helping them, and not having to worry afterwards."       "Ah.  Occupational therapy."       "Sort of.  DASI says the sessions with Osk sound more like cognitive behavioral therapy for seers.  I'll be gone for a week or two, and probably make regular trips for a while after that.  We'll see how things go."  He paused.  "Do you think you'll be working here when I get back?"       Jumping Spider met his eyes.  "Depends.  Plenty I want to learn about, but times are changing fast.  Might need to move in a hurry.  But you have my number.  Call."       "Do you still--"       "Yes."       "Ah, there's more than one--"       "Still yes.  I pushed you because you needed the push and I could not fool you.  Not because I wanted you gone."       Another pause.  "I don't--"       "How many times do I have to say yes before you'll listen?"       Breakpoint looked down and swallowed.  "The Falls will help.  I'm not better yet--but I believe better is possible now.  That's a big change already.  Thank you."  He looked up again, at Yiskah.  "And thank you for finding the right way to trick me."       Yiskah smiled.  "Would that my other work were half as pleasant."       "Now.  Osk said this would help but it had to be my initiative.  My choice."  He took a deep breath.  "Two truths.  Not so much what I've been hiding, but why.  You've both already picked up that my fear reactions aren't quite normal."       "Yes," said Yiskah.  "I assumed you changed them as part of your reshaping, to better adapt to your danger sense.  Which seemed a bit risky.  But the whole thing was risky."       "It was.  But I didn't have a lot of choice.  I didn't start studying martial arts and meditation just because I thought they were cool.  And I didn't pick the Volunteer as a role model just because he was a hero.  Here's a riddle for you:  How do you tell the difference between danger sense with a lot of false positives and panic disorder?"       "Oh.  Shit."       "Yeah.  I don't know how bad my anxiety would have been without my danger sense, but it doesn't really matter.  With it, I had a severe problem.  I didn't even have the luxury of being able to tell myself that it was all in my mind.  Because some of it wasn't.  I was afraid all the time.  Either I was triggered, trying to tell if it was for something real, or worrying about the next trigger."       "Ouch."       "And I quickly discovered that every medication available made it worse--because they damped my ability to distinguish true signals more than they helped with the false."       "Is that the full reason it's dangerous for you to drink alcohol?" asked Jumping Spider.       "Yep."  Another deep breath.  "And now you probably have enough information to track down my family through medical records."       "There was a classic fear spike," said Yiskah.  "Not associated with danger, though."       "An old friend.  Going to have to let some of them back out as I adjust."  He turned to Jumping Spider.  "And some of them will probably be about you.  That happened for family and anyone I got close to.  And even the true triggers... well, for someone else, I often got nothing but the spike.  I couldn't tell whether they were about to be hit by a car or their dog was about to spill their drink by wagging its tail."       Jumping Spider smiled.  "DANGERINT has always been noisy.  Still beats most SIGINT.  I'll deal like I always have.  And minor dangers for me are rare--they get crowded out by the competition."       "I know," he said softly.  "That's one reason I picked you.  I couldn't tell you the full story because I'd never have passed your tests if I had."       "Whoops.  Sorry about that.  Paranoia is a bitch sometimes, even if there are people out to get you.  Doesn't matter now."       Breakpoint closed his eyes and took another breath.       "You do too deserve her," said Yiskah.  "And she deserves you."       "I was getting there," he said.       "I know.  But breaking negative ideation loops is something I can help with, when you aren't trying to hide them."       "But you won't always--"       "Be on Earth after you get back?  Not always, but often.  Distance isn't an obstacle to telepathy, and you have my number, too."  She smiled.  "Call."       "All right.  I better go."       Jumping Spider stepped forward and gave him a long hug.  "Don't kill any dragons I wouldn't."       "I won't.  You take care."       Breakpoint finally stepped back and raised his crowbar in a salute.  "Thank you again, Yiskah, for one hell of a sparring match."       "My pleasure," said Yiskah.       He smiled at that, then turned and went out the door.

[pandplit]

Chapter 7

💉💊Metro Bennet’s own stacks consisted almost entirely of an estate of two thousand bones a year which unfortunately for his daughters was going to go straight to a male heir, a distant relation, and their mother’s stacks, though ample for her situation in life, couldn’t really make up the difference. Her father had been an attorney in Meryton and had left her four thousand bones. She had a sister married to a Mr Phillips who had been a clerk to their father and succeeded him in the business and a brother settled in London in a respectable line of trade.

The village of Longbourn was crazy close to Meryton which made it easy for the young ladies to go HAM on visits, sometimes three or four days a week, to their aunt and to the Milliner’s shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were there particularly often. Their minds were more vacant than their sisters and when they weren’t busy face-jerking, a walk to Meryton was a good way to waste some time and gather some goss for the evening. However tacked the country in general might be, they always managed to get something out of their aunt. At present indeed, they were well supplied both with news and good vibes by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood. It was to remain the whole winter and Meryton was the headquarters. Their visits to Mrs Phillips now became sexy little spy visits. Everyday added something to their intelligence on the officer’s names and connections. Where they were staying was not long a secret and at length they began to know the officers themselves. Mr Phillips visited them all, which opened up for his nieces an ark of the covenant amount of joy that almost melted their faces off. They could talk of nothing but officers and Mr Bingley’s large fortune, the mention of which made their mother a bit hot under the collar, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

After listening one morning to them yapp on and on about the subject, Metro cooly observed, “Its my cool observation, girls, that you are probably the most clueless ladies in the country.”

Catherine was disconcerted and made no answer but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day as he was going the next morning to London.

“I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs Bennet, “that you would so easily dropkick your daughters like that. If I wanted to insult anyone’s children it wouldn’t be my own!”

“If my children are boneheads, dear, I would rather be aware that they’re boneheads.”

“Yeah but as it happens they’re actually rather smart.”

“Babe, we connect on a lotta levels but this is not one of them, I dissagree, I think theyre dimmer than average”

“My dear Metro, you must not expect such girls to have sense of their father and mother, when they get to our age I dare say won’t be spending all their time getting horny over officers.”

“I remember a time when I liked those camo slacks a whole lot and indeed maybe I do still, y’know, just a little bit, yeah, and if a smart young colonel with five or six thousand bones a year should want one of our girls then I’m not gonna say no, and I thought Colonel Forster looked very, um- platonically very good, the other night, at Sir Williams’

“Umh, I needa lie down”

“Mama,” cried Lydia, “my aunt says that Colonel Forster and Captain Carter don’t go so often to Miss Watson’s as they did when they first came, she sees them now very often standing in Clark’s library.”

Mrs Bennet was stopped from replying by the ding of an email notification for Miss Bennet. It came from Netherfield and it had the little red flag symbol meaning that it was important. Mrs Bennet’s eyes lit up, they exploded, they sparkled with joy as she started screeching. She was making the most ridiculous noise while her daughter read.

“Well Jane who’s it from and whats it about? What does he say? Come on, I’m busting out of my skin here, Jane tell us!”

“It is from Miss Bingley.” said Jane and then read it aloud.

“Sup fam,

“If you don’t dine today with Louisa and me we may legit fall out for the rest of our lives, cause you know two ladies together that’s gonna end in a fight, beam your ass over here as soon as you see this email, my bro and his hans are dining with the officers

“xoxo Caroline Bingley.”

“With the officers,” cried Lydia, “why didn’t our aunt tell us about that!”

“Dining out though,” said mrs bennet, “that’s unlucky.”

“Can I take the beamer?” said Jane.

“No my dear, you better go on the Vespa, because it seems likely to rain, and then you’d have to stay all night.”

“That would be a good scheme,” said Elizabeth, “except you don’t know whether they’d other her an uber.”

“Okay but the gentlemen are already out on the town, right, so they’ll be using theirs and the hearse don’t have a nice car.”

“I’d much rather take the family ride.”

“But my dear. your father can’t spare it he needs it for work, you need it for work, right, Metro?”

“I need it for all kinds of things way more often than I can get it.”

“But if you need it today specifically,” said Elizabeth, “mum will be very happy.”

She did finally squeeze out of her father that indeed the car was needed. Jane was therefore obliged to vesp it up and her mother danced behind her all the way to the door checking her weather app and smiling.

Her hopes were answered, Jane had not been gone for more than a few minutes when it started raining real hard. Her sisters were worried about her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued all evening, there was no way Jane was coming home.

“This was a very lucky idea of mine.” said Mrs Bennet more than once as if she’d started the rain.

Till the next morning, however, she wasn’t fully aware of what she’d done. Breakfast was scarsley over when a message arrived in the family whatsapp group from Jane.

“hey team- super sick this morning 🤢 which is probably because i got all wet yesterday 🌧 🌧 the guys here really dont want me travelling until I’m feeling better they also insist on me seeing doc jones 💉 💊 so don’t freak out if you hear about him seeing me its really not a big deal, just a sore throat and a headache catch ya later -J x”

“Well, my dear,” said Metro, when everyone had finished reading the message, “if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness and fall over dead at least it’s nice to know that it happened chasing boys.”

“Oh I’m not afraid of her dying, people dont die from that shit, she’ll be taken care of and the longer she stays there the better I’d go see her if i could have the car.”

Elizabeth, feeling really anxious was determined to go to her but since the car wasn’t available, and she didn’t have a scooter license, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.

“How can you be so crazy in the coconut,” Cried her mother, “as to think of such a thing, in all this dirt, you’ll get fucked up like a football bat and you won’t be fit for a good snorgle by the time you get there!”

“I’ll be fly enough to see Jane which is all I want.”

“Is this a hint to me, Lizzy,” said her father, “to bring the car around?”

“No, I don’t want to drive, I want the walk. distance is nothing when one has a motive, it’s only three miles, I’ll be back by dinner.”

“I’m feeling your kind spirit,” observed Mary, “but every impulse should be guided by reason and, in my opinion, effort should always be in proportion to what is required.”

“We will go as far as Meryton with you.” said Catherine and Lydia

Elizabeth accepted their company and the three young ladies set off together.

“If we make haste,” said Lydia as they walked along, “perhaps we may see something of Captain Carter before he goes.”

In Meryton they parted. The two youngest slumped off to the lodgings of one of the officer’s wives and Elizabeth continued her walk alone crossing field after field at a quick pace, jumping over stiles, springing over puddles with impatient activity and finding herself at last within view of the house.

With weary ankles, janky dirty stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise she was shown into the breakfast parlour, where all but Jane were chilling and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. That she should’ve walked three miles earlier in the day in such horrible weather and by herself seemed turbo cray to Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley and Elizabeth would swear down that they were judging her for it.

She was welcomed though, very politely, and in their brothers manners something slightly beyond politeness. There was good humour and kindness. Mr Darcy said very little and Mr Hurst nothing at all. The former was kinda torn, the glow that all that exercise had given her was definitely tickling his fancy, but he also thought that it was kinda melodramatic and unnecessary for her to come this far alone. The other one was just making love to his breakfast.

Her inquiries after her sister didn’t get the best results. Miss Bennet had slept ill and although she was up, was still feverish and not well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately and Jane was super psyched to see her. She didn’t want to spook anyone but she had longed for such a visit. She was not up to much conversation however, and when Miss Bingley left them together all she could really do was mumble about her gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was being treated with. Elizabeth silently attended to her.

When breakfast was over, they were joined by the sisters, and Elizabeth began to take a shine to them herself when she saw how legit nice they were being to Jane. The doc showed up and having examined his patient said, surprising no one, she had caught a violent cold and they should try and get the better of it. He told her to get back in bed, and wrote up a script for some flu meds and soup. They followed his advice for the feverish symptoms increased and her head ached a lot. Elizabeth never hit the slide nor would the other ladies often absent. With the boys being out, in fact, they had nothing to do elsewhere. When the clock struck three, Elizabeth thought it was time to go even though she didn’t want to. Miss Bingley offered her a ride but Jane made a commotion about not wanting her to go so eventually the offer of a ride was converted to an invitation to remain at Netherfield. Lizzy thankfully accepted and added to the whatsapp group.

“Staying the night, can somebody prime now me so PJs?”

This chapter was lovingly transcribed by Zuz.

[thebeckychronicles]

Post 20: change of plans, explaining chemo and does cancer define me?

I first noticed I was sick in early November 2016. January 2017 I started a series of test that took about a month and a half to determine what was causing my symptoms. February 14th, 2017 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma- severity of it unknown only I was told that we had to “treat it aggressively.” My port placement took place in the first week of March, a few days later on March 7th, 2017 I had my first chemotherapy session. My last chemotherapy session is scheduled for August 9th, 2017. Yesterday was my last session for cycle 4. I have two more chemotherapy cycles meaning I have four more sessions (2 session/cycle). Friends, I am counting down the days to August 9th, which is 56 days if you were wondering. I’m 2/3 of the way done.

So since my last chemo session two weeks ago, there’s been a bit of a change in plans. Which fucking sucks. Every Tuesday all of medical oncology/hematology, radiation oncology, social workers, people who work in oncology, etc. get together to discuss different patients, their cases and treatment plans to get the opinion of others. The Tuesday before my last chemo session, my oncologist brought my case and treatment plan which was set at the time for 4 cycles of chemo and then 3 weeks of radiation- meaning yesterday would’ve been my last chemotherapy treatment. She had wanted to get the opinion of other oncologists, hematologists and radiation oncologists, on my choice of treatment plan. The radiation oncologist who originally did our consultation for radiation had said that the risks of reoccurrence (getting cancer again) if I continued chemo or chose radiation were the same. I mentioned before that I’m READY to be done with chemo. Getting that news that I didn’t run a greater risk of reoccurrence regardless of my treatment plan, hell yeah I chose radiation with the less- shitty side effects. Back to the big cancer meeting with all the people. They discussed my treatment plan in more detail and my oncologist asked them to give her solid numbers on the risk of reoccurrence, especially breast cancer. Well the numbers are in and when I went in for treatment two weeks ago she gave them to me. If I were to pursue radiation instead of continuing chemotherapy my risk of breast cancer would go up BY 25%. So I’d be pushing around a 30-40% or reoccurrence. Which doesn’t sound like a fun time and seems like a risk I don’t want to take. There’s a bump in risk is because there’d be no way to avoid a lot of the radiation going through breast tissue, since the areas they’d target would be from my neck to about the middle of chest where the tumors are. Continuing chemotherapy would keep my chance of reoccurrence where it was, much to my dismay.

God, did that feel like a punch in the gut. It felt like being told my diagnosis for the first time all over again. My oncologist said that one of the radiation oncologist straight up said, “I wouldn’t radiate.” The general consensus of the meeting was that chemotherapy was the way to go. Honestly this broke my heart. It’s like I could clearly see the finish line so close to me, and all of a sudden it got pushed back painfully far. I was ready to start treatment that didn’t make me hurt for weeks. In truth, I still considered going forward with radiation, increased chance of reoccurrence or not. Discouragement does strange things to you friends. I think my oncologist could sense that I was struggling with giving her a decision on what my treatment plan would be and in an effort to help me think a little more clearly she told me. “I know treatment has been really difficult for you, and I know another 3 months of treatment seems like a long time- and it is. But I want you to think about how your treatment is temporary. I want you to think long term.” I’ve said before that I’m not doing this again. I don’t think I could. So after a few minutes of silence and staring at my mom I made the choice to continue treatment not because I thought I could tough it out another 3 months of this bullshit but because I’d rather finish this treatment once, with the hopes that in doing so I’d never have to think about another cancer diagnosis and starting treatment all over again. And maybe you think this decision should’ve been an easy one to make but it wasn’t. I made the decision then to continue chemo with a lump in my throat and a resignation in my gut. So as stated before, I just finished my fourth cycle of chemo. Two more cycles to go, ending on August 9th and I AM FREE. It’s gonna be difficult and it still kind of breaks my heart to think about but this too shall pass.  

What’s ironic is that had the cancer gone unnoticed it would’ve eventually killed me. Either suffocating me to death or just killing me the way Hodgkin’s Lymphoma can kill its patients. So I chose to get chemo, to get treatment not in hopes but with the resolve that I would beat this. What’s ironic is that treatment is a choice. You don’t have to get it. Strongly encouraged but again- your choice. So I did the smart thing, I started chemotherapy in order to stop my cancer from killing me. Only, and maybe this was ridiculously naïve of me, I didn’t expect treatment to feel like it was killing me. Again, chemotherapy is a tough regimen. It beats up your body and a lot of the time you feel like you got in the boxing fight of your life and just barely made it to the other side. People ask all the time what does chemotherapy feel like? For me, it’s constant discomfort. My body feels like its aged 50 years because everything hurts. My bones hurt. My nails are turning black. My hair is falling out. My insides feel like they’re rotting and on fire and not just when I get hot flashes (thank you chemotherapy induced menopause- not like I’m only 20 or anything). My oncologist said once I’m done with treatment things should pick up where they left off. Ha. I don’t sleep well. Other things it feels like is guilt and shame. Sometimes it feels like I’m sucking my family and friends dry. Chemo is a lot of things, I don’t think you ever get used to it. You just kind of learn to manage the symptoms a little better and even that is hit or miss. Sometimes the pain meds work, other times they don’t. Sometimes the natural remedies I use work. Sometimes the anti-nausea meds are a god-send, others they fall flat. Sometimes you bottle what you’re feeling and don’t tell anyone the ugly, frantic things you’re thinking. Other times you feel selfish crying on your sister’s shoulder telling her you don’t want to finish treatment, that you don’t think you’re strong enough, that you’re never doing this again. You feel selfish for telling her because you know this scares her and she hurts too. Chemo is a lot of things, but you deal with it and you have your selfish moments because what else are you supposed to do?

Quick side note- during this appointment a major factor as to why my case was discussed at this meeting was because I’m getting hit hard by the side effects, harder than most apparently. So my oncologist wanted to make sure that holistically radiation was the better choice for me. One thing she mentioned to me, that was confirmed to me by my other nurses and my infusion nurses was that the younger and healthier you are typically chemo hits you the hardest. They don’t know why but it does. Regardless of what age you are cancer- any disease- fucking sucks. It sucks. There is no at least about it. So please- do all of us who are young and sick a favor and leave out comments about how lucky we are to be strong and young. It really doesn’t help. I don’t need the reminder that I’m stuck at home a majority of the time, that I don’t get to socialize without thinking about how out of place I feel amongst my friends who have largely not faced a life-threatening disease. Age, being young isn’t a consolation prize. It doesn’t help. If anything is adds more confusion to the whole debacle. I’m young and I’m sick and my body is tired. Hearing, “it’s fine, you’ve got so much life to live,” which is true but right now I’m living this. And it’s not fun. I’m not even at the place where I can regret not doing something because I haven’t even been presented with taking or leaving a chance/choice. Rant over

My oncologist was treating another Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patient who is a year younger than me, we’ll call him J. He had also had a difficult time with the side effects of chemotherapy, and she asked me at that appointment with the change of plans if I would meet him to commiserate over our shared experience, and because J wanted to meet someone around his age also going through treatment. I said sure, why not? Needless to say after my appointment with my oncologist and during my chemo session right after it I was in a shit mood. At the end of my treatment that day, my nurse walked me over to J’s station. I think they were surprised to see me walk in alone. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this but out of respect for my wishes my parents only stay with me during the appointment with my oncologist and at most to see me get hooked up to the drugs, then they leave and I take a nap or read. I don’t think that’s very common since I see most other cancer patients have at least one other person with them during their treatment session. J had his parents, two siblings and grandfather there with him. I learned in our conversation that that session was actually his last. Which made me really happy to hear and strangely enough made me feel a lot better. It’s like I have actual proof that there is an end. I’ve had so many changes to the end date to my treatment that it’s made it slightly difficult to really trust that this recent change will be the last. Seeing J, smiling and on his last treatment session made me joyful for his and his family’s sake but also for me because I can see the end of this. It’s not some tentative promise, a date akin to smoke and fragile. One day soon, I’d get to J’s position, I’ll be okay. Another bright spot to that week was the next day after 28 years in this country my mom got her work permit; and God-willing my dad’s should be here sometime between August and October. (They’re got visas coming too.) Sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to. I’m trying to accept that. Other times, it takes time to process and be patient for what you want to come to fruition. But God is good. Always.

When I first started this blog, it was done so more for you who read it. That way I don’t have to repeat myself over and over again because that’s draining. As time has gone on- I’ve realized how much I’ve been writing this for me. Another thing I didn’t anticipate with a cancer diagnosis is how it’d crack me wide open. In an aching, painful way filled with a weird type of anguished relief. Cancer has pushed me to be honest. About what I want. About who I am. About what I’m feeling. I’ve always been pretty honest- that is when I’m actually sharing what I’m feeling and thinking. Cancer has cracked me open in a way I think only it could have. If I was a fortress before, now I’m Troy after the horse got in. I think that’s what this blog has become, this isn’t me just detailing my diagnosis and treatment but me embracing this new painful honesty. So here’s some more of that.

A big fear of mine was that cancer would define me. That there would be no piece of me, of pre-cancer Jenni¸ that would survive this experience and that when it was over I’d be left feeling a lot lost and kind of like cancer dropped me in the middle of the ocean to never be seen again. I’m not afraid of change. But I worried cancer would change me in a way I didn’t love or would be able to accept. But that’s kind of a ridiculous wish isn’t it? Hoping that the cancer wouldn’t define me, or alter me in some pronounced ways. Yesterday, I was really feeling the side effects of chemo from my treatment. Every time I tried to eat, it’d come back up, and because of this regardless of how absolutely hungry I was, I just didn’t eat. My stomach ached and felt like it was boiling and it was kind of hard to breathe. My legs felt weak and tingly and numb. My mouth tasted like chemo and chalk and that made me nauseous and made everything taste disgusting. Even potatoes. The smell of the drugs/hospital on my skin wouldn’t go away with a shower and also made me nauseous. I was in bed all day yesterday and only started feeling a little bit better at night. It’s not news but I’m just feeling sad. I don’t feel okay. I’m just sad. And I was telling Brianda about it as we were sitting on the floor in our room that I’m just sad. (What else is new?) I told Brianda that I was scared that cancer would absolutely define me for the rest of my life. Because you hear stories about cancer patients being brave and strong and not letting cancer define them. And I know I am brave and I am strong but I’m also scared and fragile and weak. So that’s something that I’ve been struggling with. Brianda’s response to that really helped me, she said, “You can decide whether or not cancer defines you when you’re done with treatment. You don’t have to decide now. But you are more than just Becky.” I really needed to hear that.

Life doesn’t just happen to you. But I’ve come to the realization that when it does, as in the case of an illness, you get to choose what you do with that. Life’s one big reaction. Sometimes those reactions include curling up in a ball on your bed with the lights off. Other times it’s saying fuck it, I’m going to that Panic at the Disco concert even though I just had chemo 4 hours ago. Sometimes it’s saying yes, right now cancer defines me and this time in my life, but I’ve still got a lot of life to live and it doesn’t define me forever. It can redefine me in a way that changes me for the rest of my life, but it’s not the only thing that’ll redefine me. Life happened to me hard this year. And right now I’m choosing to be okay with the fact that since November 2016 cancer has defined me. This illness is a main character in my life right now. Accepting this doesn’t minimize me, dehumanize me or make me weak. It’s just the honest truth. But once all this is said and done, I know Becky will always be a part of my story, but maybe she’ll only be a chapter in my life, relegated to a footnote in those to come.

Romans 12:12:  “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” 

[jacewilliams1]

From anxiety to mindfulness meditation – a pilot’s journey to wellbeing

Comedian Stephen Wright has an amusing quote: “You know that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and you suddenly realize you’ve gone too far? I feel like that all the time!”

For a time, this was more accurate than I’d like to admit. Leading up to 2007, I found myself increasingly distracted with symptoms of anxiety and depression. I kept telling myself feeling stressed was just a temporary thing and that I could handle it. I definitely didn’t think I needed help, and there was no way I was going to tell anyone what I was experiencing!

In the fall of that year, I had purchased a horse trailer for my wife and I was driving it to a shop to have the electric brakes hooked up. As I was driving, I thought, “If I slam on the brakes, this sucker is going to jackknife on me,” and guess what? Right on cue, some idiot pulled out of a side street in front of me while I was going 45 mph. I slammed on the brakes and narrowly avoided hitting him.

Miraculously, the trailer stayed behind me. In most people, this would have resulted in a combination of surprise and fear. That sudden rush of adrenaline followed by fear, anger, relief and so on. I realized something was wrong when the near miss left me feeling no different than I did for most of my waking hours. The level of anxiety I was living with was on the same scale as being in a near car crash. This was my wake-up call. I had to do something. But what?

My airline doesn’t have a Wingman program or any form of confidential peer support group. I didn’t want to “self-disclose” anything that could ground me, and I really didn’t have a clue about what anxiety or depression was or how to treat it. I wasn’t suicidal or anything so who do I talk to? Who can I trust that won’t end up grounding me on the spot? For many of us, the thought of “talking to someone” can actually make the anxiety worse. So, we try not to think about it and put off taking action.

Doctors and therapy are not usually popular options for pilots.

My sister is a practicing psychiatrist and analyst so I decided to give her a call and open up about my experience with the trailer. Her professional opinion was that I should be on antidepressants and in therapy. Great, and to the guy with a hammer everything looks like a nail. I’d like another opinion, please.

Next, I went to my family doctor to see if there was anything physically wrong with me. Perhaps I could be lucky enough to have a heart condition or brain tumor. Anything but antidepressants and therapy! He said there was nothing wrong with me (physically) and he recommended antidepressants and therapy. Crap, I hate when my sister’s right.

So, I flew my last trip in December of 2007. I spoke to my union and our aeromedical folks and went out on medical for a year with the goal of being back in the cockpit by January of 2009. I needed to be off the antidepressants for three months before being eligible for a medical, so that meant I needed to be done with the “meds” by the end of September 2008.

And so began the drill. Cognitive therapy (talking with a psychologist) twice a week, and a monthly report to a psychiatrist to renew my prescription. It all went very well and my “shrink” called me her poster child for effort and rapid improvement. Gold star on the forehead. Yes, pilots can even be competitive about psychotherapy!

By September I was off the meds and pronounced “cured” by the powers that be. I was no longer depressed or suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

But there was a problem. I was still experiencing some mild (although not debilitating) issues with anxiety. Some anxiety is a normal part of being human. It’s part of our built in “caution and warning system.” My psychologist explained that I was just “an anxious person,” there was nothing more that modern medicine could do for me, and I would just have to live with it.

My first thought was bulls**t! I didn’t work this hard and come this far just to be told I was simply an anxious person.

There was also the issue of the application for medical I would be required to fill out in December. On it, there is a yes or no question regarding your “Mental Disorders of Any Sort; Depression, Anxiety, Etc.” Although I had actually been suffering with varying degrees of anxiety and depression for many years, I hadn’t understood it and never answered yes on the medical questionnaire because I honestly didn’t consider it a “Mental Disorder.”

After all, everyone gets sad or anxious from time to time. But now that I understood the reality of my struggle, this left me with a choice. I needed to resolve my lingering anxiety, or lie on the application. (The “Administrator” (FAA) has made it very clear that they will prosecute any individual who “knowingly and willingly falsifies” an application for medical certificate.) I’d never intentionally lied on the application, but I was not going to stay out on medical leave.

Since modern medicine had only taken me part of the way, I began a frantic research effort on alternative treatments for anxiety. I read books and searched online. One book was titled Undoing Perpetual Stress. In it, the author (who suffers from anxiety as well) said he had been having some personal success with meditation. What the heck, I figured I would give it a try. But what kind of meditation?

You don’t have to be a monk to practice meditation.

Research into this subject revealed so many different kinds of meditation, I didn’t know where to begin. Further research into the types of meditation that had been backed up with scientific research narrowed this down to Mindfulness-Based meditation. I put aside my aversion to what I considered “hippy guru touchy feely nonsense” and gave it a try.

So, for 20 minutes a day I sat in a chair and tried to focus on the sensation of breathing. My mind had other ideas, but I was determined (stubborn). My window of opportunity was closing fast as it was now November.

My early meditation practice went something like this:

Focusing on the breath, I’m not doing this right.

Focusing on the breath, this is stupid and will never work.

Focusing on the breath, thank God no other crewmembers can see me doing this.

Focusing on the breath, it’s been twenty minutes and that stupid timer hasn’t gone off yet.

Focusing on the breath, pizza.

Focusing on the breath, my arm itches, I’ve been in the sun too long, maybe it’s cancer!

You get the idea. After a month of doing this (and slight improvements with technique and focus) my anxiety was gone. Seriously, no more anxiety. I was hooked and have had a regular meditation practice ever since.

Today I am happier and getting more so the longer I practice. I have a better relationship with my family, a better relationship with my own mind, I’m more relaxed, I’m a more effective captain, I find it easier to pay attention, I’m much more resilient when faced with difficulty and so forth. I credit mindfulness meditation for these positive changes in my life and I simply can’t imagine where I’d be without it.

The post From anxiety to mindfulness meditation – a pilot’s journey to wellbeing appeared first on Air Facts Journal.

from Engineering Blog https://airfactsjournal.com/2019/04/from-anxiety-to-mindfulness-meditation-a-pilots-journey-to-wellbeing/

[a-breton]

Does Your Health Care Content Hold the Cure for Customers in Crisis?

In 2015, I arrived in Cleveland for Content Marketing World in good health and good spirits, full of energy and excitement about the week to come. A few hours later that enthusiasm turned to panic, as my focus completely shifted to a sudden, sharp pain that woke me in the middle of the night in my hotel room.

Within 12 hours, I personally learned some lessons about the role health care content marketing can and should play in the lives of consumers. If your health-related organization is looking to improve your content marketing prognosis, here are some ideas based on my experience of tracking down vital information in a situation I never anticipated.

My journey of diagnostic discovery

While I’m typically calm and relatively capable of handling a crisis at home, I quickly discovered that managing medical care while alone, in pain, and in unfamiliar surroundings requires a lot more presence of mind – and a vastly different set of informational needs and insights.

Every step I took on my accelerated user journey was focused on obtaining relevant, reliable, and highly personalized information to use immediately – you might say I was DTC (down to convert) on any prescriptive (RX or OTC) solution that would address my immediate (literal) pain points, STAT.

My #healthcare #content journey focused on relevancy, reliability & personalized info. @joderama Click To Tweet

Two disclaimers

First: While the following story is true, I omit a few of the more personal details (I’m sure you understand).

Second: My experience is filtered through a lens of privilege – i.e., someone who has decent health insurance. Though health industry brands have myriad opportunities to provide much-needed content to those who aren’t as lucky, those ideas won’t factor in here.

My content checkup

Based on my family health history, I had a suspicion about the pain I was dealing with; so I sought treatment based on those semi-informed assumptions.

My first step was to find answers to a few logistical questions:

Do I need to call an ambulance immediately? Can it wait until I can get there on my own?

Where is the closest hospital? How can I get there?

Will my California-based medical insurance cover out-of-state providers? If not, how much will treatment cost?

What if there’s no quick fix and I need ongoing treatment? Will I be cleared to fly home?

Let’s take a closer look at how content factored in to what transpired over the next 12 hours: 

Urgency of care

Questions: Do I need to call an ambulance immediately? Can it wait until I can get there on my own?

This is one of the most common questions patients (and their caregivers) have. In many cases the obvious answer applies: Never take chances with your health or delay treatment.

But with rising medical costs and a lot of uncertainty in the health care marketplace, more people are faced with the decision of whether a condition is truly serious enough to seek emergency medical care.

Cost management isn’t just a concern for patients: According to the Deloitte 2018 Global Health Care Outlook, improving financial performance and operating margins is a top issue for health care companies. It is critical for health care businesses to play an active role in helping patients recognize what constitutes an emergency, fully understand their options, and make the most informed (and cost-effective) choices whenever possible.

Curative content: In the middle of the night and over 2,000 miles from home, consulting my primary care physician wasn’t an option. What was an option was to consult the registered nurse helpline my health insurance company (and many others) offers as a benefit.

Helplines, chatbots, telehealth systems (like Call-a-Doc), and other smart medical services that can be accessed anywhere, at any time are becoming standard in the managed health care world. They are ideal for the type of go/no-go decision I needed to make. For example, the Mayo Clinic and Isabel Healthcare are among a number of health-related organizations that include consumer-friendly online symptom checkers in their website content.

Helplines, chatbots, telehealth systems are ideal content sources for prospective patients, says @Joderama. Click To Tweet

Developing interactive content tools like these can help prospective patients pinpoint a likely cause of their medical concern and move more quickly toward taking appropriate interventional action.

As the Deloitte report points out, health care businesses that provide such amenities would be wise to highlight them if they want to preserve and grow their existing customer relationships. And what better way to do that than to leverage content like blog posts, newsletter articles, or even videos to promote the valuable (and cost-effective) role these services can play, especially for patients in the thick of an uncertain medical situation or who live in locations where immediate medical attention may be hard to come by?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

Conversational Content: How to Market Through Text Messaging and Chatbots

Interactive Content: The Good, Bad, and Wicked Cool Quizzes and Games

Access to care

Questions: Where’s the closest hospital? How can I get there?

In my hometown, I know exactly which hospitals and urgent care facilities to visit and how to get there. But in this case, having neither a car nor detailed knowledge of the city (or my bearings at 4 a.m.), I had to do some digging.

Fortunately, a quick check on my health insurer’s mobile app let me know that not only was one of the highest-ranked hospitals in the country – Cleveland Clinic – just a few miles away, it was (thankfully) in-network for my plan. Question asked and easily answered by a sound mobile content strategy.

Curative content: However, there was still the matter of getting to the hospital and navigating Cleveland Clinic’s sprawling campus to find the right building. One of my awesome co-workers stepped up to help me in this regard (thanks again, Mo!).

But it occurred to me that health care content marketers have a real opportunity to address this kind of practical need for others who may not have prior experience (or a kind friend) to guide them.

As I arranged my ride, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Cleveland Clinic has this contingency well covered: There’s a section of its main website that caters to the informational needs of out-of-town visitors – and it’s accessible from the home page.

This strategic content marketing does double duty. It goes the extra mile to distinguish the brand from competing facilities while delivering real-life value that can put prospective patients’ minds at ease.

Helpful content goes the extra mile to distinguish one #healthcare brand from competing facilities. @joderama Click To Tweet

It’s worth noting that Cleveland Clinic is at the top of its game when it comes to using content to support consumers through all sorts of health care-related situations – something that anyone familiar with the work of its content marketing director (and 2016 Content Marketer of the Year), Amanda Todorovich, should be well familiar with.

For example, its Health Essentials blog is the most-visited hospital blog in the country and serves as a shining example of how marketers in this industry can deliver a valuable, trustworthy content experience.

The cost of care

Question: Will my California-based medical insurance cover out-of-state providers? If not, how much will it cost?

As I mentioned, my insurer’s mobile app revealed that Cleveland Clinic was both in-network and in my general vicinity. And, fortunately, it wasn’t the only medical center conveniently available. Had I been traveling in a city with fewer medical facilities, a town in a more remote or rural location, or even in another country, my options for pursuing a path to affordable care may have been limited.

Curative content: While in-network coverage meant my costs for emergency treatment would not be exorbitant, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my health insurance company features an interactive treatment cost calculator on my account dashboard.

With a few clicks, I could see regional pricing estimates for inpatient and outpatient medical services that I might need (such as physician consultations, diagnostic imaging, and lab tests) and could explore suggested options for cutting costs.

Using an interactive cost calculator, I could see pricing estimates for medical services, says @joderama Click To Tweet

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Interactive Content Fuels Customer Experiences [Research]

Ongoing care

Question: What if there’s no quick fix and I need ongoing treatment? Will I be cleared to fly home?

As it turned out, my diagnostic suspicions were right on the money, and treatment was effectively carried out to completion by the skilled emergency room staff. But my health care journey wasn’t over. As the meds started to work their magic, the doctor informed me of the small possibility of recurrence and suggested I follow up with a specialist once I got back home.  

Curative content: A patient journey complicated by the need for ongoing care presents health care industry marketers with a distinct set of informational challenges – and plenty of opportunities to address them through content.

For example, patients with chronic conditions are highly subject to dropping on and off a provider’s radar, making long-term compliance and retention-driven content a critical point of distinction for many health-related organizations – including pharmaceutical manufacturers, nursing care facilities, diagnostic labs, medical researchers, and even condition-specific support groups.

Once again, Cleveland Clinic rose to the content occasion: My discharge paperwork included a URL and a personal access code to connect to its Patient Portal and MyChart system. This invaluable content tool gave me direct access (online or through the mobile app) to relevant portions of my electronic medical record (including lab results, diagnostic images, prescribed medications, and physician notes and recommendations). This enabled me to easily share information with my health care providers at home and take better control of any follow-up care I might need.

Yet, people who suffer from more serious or complicated health issues may not have it so easy. Take, for example, people who contend with common age-related health issues like osteoporosis and arthritis, or even more devastating diagnoses like Alzheimer’s disease.

Complex medical journeys like these don’t always follow a set and structured path or lead to a cure, but these consumers still need information and support. Content initiatives like Pfizer’s GetOld are designed to do just that: provide helpful advice on relevant issues, keep the audience informed on the medical research and treatment advances, and connect them with the emotional support they need to keep fighting the good fight in the face of uncertainty.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Road Map to Success: Creating the Content of Your Audience’s Dreams

Visions of a healthier future

As you’ve likely guessed, I’m satisfied with the outcome of my medical story – and my content experience. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room for improvement in the way businesses in this industry connect with their audiences and serve their needs through content.

Consider this encouraging example that focuses not on treating diseases and disorders, but on facilitating happier and healthier new beginnings:

Sweden’s Gjensidige Insurance recently partnered with a regional hospital to film a woman going through the process of childbirth. Using 360-degree video, they created a realistic VR experience that expectant moms (and their partners) can watch in advance, helping to demystify a natural process that’s historically been shrouded in a cloud of anxiety-inducing mystery (or, sometimes, a sedation-induced fog).

The insurance company anticipates that the effort (shot from a respectful angle that lets viewers stand in alongside the mom) may help expectant parents feel more comfortable and prepared. For those who aren’t squeamish or overly sensitive, you can watch the video here.

Remember the adage about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure? If your health care brand isn’t producing content that supports consumers through all types of wellness journeys – especially the unique or unexpected – perhaps it’s time to schedule a checkup on your editorial (health) plan.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Why Brands Need to Take the Plunge Into Virtual Reality Today

Get the inside scoop from the health care provider on how to attack health-related content marketing. Come to Content Marketing World 2018 and participate in the Cleveland Clinic Health Summit (and you’ll hear from 2016 Content Marketer of the Year, Amanda Todorovich, who directs content marketing at Cleveland Clinic).   

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

from http://bit.ly/2uMZ0Wl

[lenaglittleus]

10 Natural Cold and Flu Remedies That Work + A Giveaway!

The irony is not lost on me that I’m currently writing this post while recovering from a cold/cough. I generally get one really bad cold every year and seeing as I managed to evade it for most of 2017, I’m not surprised that it reared it’s ugly head in the final weeks of the year. Hoping this will be the only one I get during cold and flu season!

Sometimes you get sick. It happens to all of us. And even though it could always be worse, it still totally sucks to be coughing up a lung or plowing through tissues like it’s your job. Sometimes sympathy is the best remedy!

But when that doesn’t work, I have my go-to protocol to help my body heal faster. I’m someone who takes meds as a final course of action. I’m not against western medicine and using medication to treat your body, but for things like colds and flus, it’s just not my jam. There are so many effective remedies for treating colds and flus naturally that I’d rather reach for my kitchen cupboards than my medicine cabinet.

I know I’m not alone in this sentiment, so I’m thrilled to see big brands jumping on board with consumer demand for natural remedies. I’m thrilled to be partnering with CVS pharmacy on this post, who has just come out with their Live Better line full of products that provide simple solutions that help your body heal naturally. Using only essential ingredients, Live Better products are free from artificial preservatives, dyes, colors and flavors, so you can feel good about using for yourself or sharing with your loved ones. It’s amazing to see consumer demand driving business supply. Let’s keep it up!

With that, I do have a protocol I like to follow when I feel my body getting sick or if the illness has already set-in. These 10 Natural Cold and Flu Remedies will help your body heal naturally without the use of over-the-counter drugs. Do all 10 or pick a few to stick to, but remember to remain consistent and be kind to your body. Stress can also induce and perpetuate illness so don’t forget to relax, sleep and let your body slow down. With that, here are 10 Natural Cold and Flu Remedies that actually work:

1. Gargle with salt water

Do this as soon as you start feeling sick! Not only can it help relieve a sore, scratchy throat, but if you go back to your middle school science days, water follows salt (#osmosis) so the idea is that gargling salt water actually pulls viral fluids out from the throat area. 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon salt dissolved in an 8-ounce glass of warm water and gargle it all 1-2x a day.

2. Honey

Honey not only helps soothe a sore throat it also works as a cough suppressant. Honey can soothe irritated mucous membranes which helps remove the irritation that is fuelling the cough reflex. CVS’s Live Better Cough Syrup is a great drug-free remedy, which uses a blend of dark honeys, vitamin C and zinc. Both vitamin c and zinc have been shown to help support your immune system so that’s a triple whammy! There’s also no artificial ingredients or added dyes or flavors so it’s a great natural solution for your cold and cough symptoms. Don’t forget to reach for the Children’s Cough Syrup for children over 12 months.

3. Take a Ginger Shot 

Ginger is anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial. It has been known to help with congestion, nausea, colds, and fevers. Either pick one up from a local juice store or juice a knob of ginger yourself. Eating ginger can also help but for the best bang for your buck, go for the juice shot.

4. Elderberry syrup

Elderberry is a fruit grown from the elder tree that has anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties making it a powerhouse when it comes to fighting colds. Studies have shown taking elderberry syrup can shorten colds and flus and also relieve sinus infections. Triple threat.

5. Propolis

Did you know that bees produce more than just honey? Yep, they make propolis too. Propolis is the substance bees use to seal in their hives so it’s super anti-viral and anti-bacterial. It’s great at fighting the common cold or sore throats.

6. Essential oils

Power to the plants! There are many powerful essential oils for cold and flus but here are a few that are easily accessible: Eucalyptus oil has antiviral and antimicrobial properties which have historically been used to treat the common cold. Peppermint oil is used as a natural decongestant and fever-reducer. It’s like a natural VapoRub. Just make sure when applying topically that you mix with a carrier oil!

7. Garlic

Garlic is a powerful antioxidant with antimicrobial, antiviral and antibiotic properties. Garlic is packed with minerals, enzymes, vitamin C, sulphur, and selenium which all help bust colds and flus. Enjoy garlic in your meals or eat a clove whole if you’re seriously brave.

8. Probiotics 

This one is a little tricky. If you read my SIBO post, you might remember that when my gut wasn’t healthy, probiotics did me no good (in fact, they made things worse) HOWEVER if you have a healthy gut, probiotics can help give your immune system a boost. Whether through a probiotic pill or probiotic rich foods like yogurt and sauerkraut, it all starts in your gut!

9. Bone Broth 

Bone broth, or that chicken soup Jewish grandmothers have been making for centuries, actually isn’t just a tall tale. A bowl of chicken soup, or homemade bone broth can be effective in helping to fight colds and flus. Bone broth contains anti-inflammatory amino acids and is packed full of immune supporting vitamins and minerals that are extra easy for your body to digest.. Don’t reach for those bouillon cubes though – you gotta use the real stuff to get the benefits!

10. Epsom salt bath

Add epsom salt to a hot bath along with some essential oils if you’d like to have a relaxing, detoxifying evening. Again with the osmosis thing, the minerals in the bath cause the toxins in your body to be released in the bath so not only is it relaxing, but it’s good for you too.

BONUS: Sleep! Give your body the rest it needs. I’ve learned this lesson many times over, but to really help your body heal you need to sleep as much as your body needs. Don’t just try to push through illness. Your body is working extra hard to fight something so rest and allow it to recover. If you’re having trouble sleeping, check out Live Better’s Immunity + Melatonin, which is a mixture of immune-boosting vitamins + minerals plus melatonin to help you sleep.

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Huge thank you to CVS for partnering with me on this post and offering natural solutions for helping our bodies fight common illnesses. I’m excited to see what products you come out with next! In the meantime, I’m super excited that they are offering one lucky THM reader and awesome prize pack full of Live Better products + a $25 CVS gift card! All you have to do is share your favorite natural cold and flu remedy below. Giveaway is open to US residents and runs until 12/22 at 12:00 PM PST. Good luck!

Disclaimer: I’m proud to be working with CVS Pharmacy to help spread the word about #BetterHealthMadeEasy and how to #FindYourHealthy. All opinions expressed are my own, and all product claims or program details shared should be verified at CVS.com or with the appropriate manufacturers. Thank you for supporting the brands that help make THM possible!

What are your go-to natural cold and flu remedies? Did I miss anything?

The post 10 Natural Cold and Flu Remedies That Work + A Giveaway! appeared first on The Healthy Maven.

from News About Health https://www.thehealthymaven.com/2017/12/10-natural-cold-and-flu-remedies-that-work.html

[makelovetoyourpoison-blog]

INTRO

Make love to your poison. Yes you heard me right. MAKE LOVE TO YOUR POISON. I know it may sound like an odd name for a blog but stick with me for a moment. I'm 23 years old and I’ve been battling multiple chronic illnesses my entire life. The only solid diagnosis of poison I know of is heavy metals but I’m finding out now there’s more to the story. Also being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, adrenal fatigue, Irritable bowel syndrome, acid reflux, insomnia, sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, joint hypermobility syndrome etc. I’m clearly effected in the autoimmune disease arena as well. I have come to realize that the only way to drive out the darkness within your body is to immerse it in light so yes make love to your poison, all of the poison repeatedly until it’s so enveloped in light it has no choice but to leave. My illnesses only started to become fully apparent to me at 21 as I gradually became debilitated. I noticed during my last year of college that I was losing more and more capabilities, I couldn't exercise, study, hangout with friends , these activities that were once enjoyable started to feel like chores. I realized shit hit the fan when I actually decided to pay attention to how much my restrictions were affecting me. It was a gradual process but then hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t sleeping. I was dropping weight like crazy. My vision was blurred. I had no appetite. I was in excruciating pain. I needed help walking. I was weak all over. Extremely fatigued. Unbearable migraines. My speech was slurred. My joints dislocating. I couldn’t remember simple things like my birthday, let alone read a sentence and retain it. I felt like I was carrying a dead body around. I was 120 pounds of poison at 5'8 and I felt like what I imagine 800 pounds would feel like on top of a little body. I was filled with rage more than any anything. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t lift my clothes to do my laundry. I couldn’t even pour myself water or cook for myself. I was completely dependent on my parents and we weren’t even in a good place. Two months before that place in my life I graduated culinary school. Seven months before that I graduated college. This was December of 2015 and I could not comprehend where my life was. I was dying with no diagnosis. I was beyond livid with my body for betraying me like this. I thought we were on the same page. I couldn’t forgive myself for falling ill. Instead I decided to make myself suffer more than I already was. I fed off of pure darkness. I would go to doctors and get told I needed a psychiatrist. That I needed to learn how to live with the pain or load up on meds to suppress the symptoms without actually getting to the root of the problem. My parents weren’t so supportive initially because they didn’t think I was as sick as I actually was. They couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I looked somewhat healthy on the outside but my insides were deteriorating. I was getting no answers, I saw no solutions. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I sat in my sadness and rage most days. Like many others I’ve felt helpless, powerless, and worthless. I’ve struggled with depression, loss, anxiety, abuse, rage, post-traumatic stress disorder from childhood and adulthood traumas, suicidal thoughts and layers upon layers of self-hatred. I wasn’t in the present most of the time because of PTSD. I had a friend I would talk to everyday and she just accepted where I was with open arms. I needed that. The world needs more people like her. She supported me through my highs and lows , the insanity of my physical symptoms , me being stuck in my own negativity , And me for a very long time not wanting it to leave . I rejected myself and my physical ailments for a long time. There was a lot of denial and desire to give up. A lot of praying for my body to stop fighting to survive. I victimized myself. “How could this happen to me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” I was angry at god. Angry at the world. Angry at myself for not seeing the signs all along. For a very long time I had no hope or faith. Eventually I hit a breaking point of suffering and I knew that if I wanted things to change I needed to commit to healing. So I did. I moved out and lived with another friend for a month and a half and went into pure survival mode. She was so incredibly supportive and comforting. Her family was amazing to me. I needed that so desperately. You’d be surprised the capabilities of an ill body when it has no other choice. It lit the fire under my ass that I was waiting for and that’s when things slowly started to shift. When I was gone my parents got on board and we started seeing new doctors. I came back home In February because my body was reaching a new low and I knew I needed more help. My body hit its lowest point right before my 23rd birthday. I was unable to walk, speak, read, shower or even get a minute of sleep. I kept going to the hospital trying to explain that I was losing my mind because even with medication I couldn’t get a half hour of sleep. I would explain my symptoms to doctors who would completely dismiss them. My body could not shut off which in turn lead me to become reliant on medication for sleep. I felt all of the vitality in my body being continuously squeezed out of me by unknown causes. April 20th 2016 I got a diagnosis of heavy metal poisoning and multiple food allergies. I was confused, relieved and devastated all at the same time. It helped me shift my perspective to how can I help myself instead of how can I hurt myself. It gave me a starting point to healing. I started to research ways that large quantities of heavy metals could infiltrate your body. I started researching different diets and put myself on the autoimmune protocol. I researched supplements, herbs, spices, everything and anything that could help. I came across many stories about people being poisoned from their amalgam fillings. I convinced my parents to replace five of them as well as removing two teeth that were rotting from the silver linings. Once I handled the teeth situation I slowly regained some capabilities. I felt lighter, I was able to speak more efficiently, and I could walk without assistance. I knew some of the poison had left but this was just the beginning. My other restrictions stayed stagnant, brain fog, memory loss, excruciating pain, weakness, sleep issues, digestion problems, numbness, tingling, blurred vision, the gang of horror was still fully intact. I would go through okay days and extreme lows, where some days I would have enough strength to shower and enough focus to drive to other days where I couldn’t comprehend a sentence, and I couldn’t move without hurting myself. This created a large amount of tension with my parents. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t move forward, I couldn’t function to the degree I would have liked to. I was angry, frustrated and sad. So were they. I needed an escape. I needed an extra push without their help. I lived with my friend again from the end of July to the end of September. This time I pushed my mind and my body even more. I started going out more and applying for jobs. I just wanted to regain power over myself. To regain my sanity. I got hired as a teacher at a daycare and I couldn’t be present. I loved the kids but I knew I was destroying my body just to get through the day and it was difficult but I knew I had to quit and really focus on healing now. I went back home once again. I hit an all new low December 14th at 23 years old, two weeks ago when I spent sixteen days at the hospital unable to walk, struggling to speak, think, understand, breathe, dealing with extreme tightness in my chest, migraines, sensitivity to light and noise, tremors in my hands, involuntary eye and facial twitching, feeling completely disoriented like I was on hardcore drugs when I was completely sober and in an inhumane amount of pain leaving with no answers. Having stroke like symptoms and seizure like activity with a clear MRI and MRA left me realizing this isn’t neurological it’s just appearing that it is. This is a common issue with many autoimmune and infectious diseases. My Physical illnesses in the past have made me feel so alone and isolated. At our core we are social beings who just want to feel a sense of belonging. Sometimes when we are on a path in relation to any sort of illness we don’t experience enough of that. I was lucky enough to have an overwhelming amount of support, comfort, care and love from friends, family and total strangers during my stay at the hospital. That experience made me realize that I need to spread awareness, knowledge and personal stories to help others that may be suffering with no answers, no support, and no real understanding as to what is taking place in their bodies. All I have done for the past two years is research about my symptoms and how to help them. Even before I was on board with healing I wanted to know what was happening in my body. I like to think I’m very knowledgeable on autoimmune / infectious disease related issues but I know there’s a lot I don’t know. These are very under researched illnesses and topics. I am always open to learning more and hearing new perspectives. I want to help those who are hurting. I don’t want anyone to suffer in the way I do or the ways that I have. I have built a very stable foundation with myself over time but it took a lot of hard work. I would love nothing more to share my personal stories, what supplements, herbs and spices have helped me, what techniques and guidelines to use for healing and more.