#lovergirlswriting

[southernlovergirl]

I love the grapefruit trees in summer the way the hummingbirds love the flower nectar. when I step outside barefoot into the silken grass of my grandfather’s backyard, I see him bending over to pick the fallen fruits like he used to in summers passed. he dusts the white dirt off on the fibers of a woolen sleeve, he cuts one open and hands it to me. I swing in the backyard, muddy feet in the air, sour juice running down my arms to my elbows. I swing and I swing and I suck the seeds out, spit em back into the yard. I never knew a summer without a grapefruit tree till he passed.

[southernlovergirl]

this blog has officially moved !

and will now remain an archive.

follow @southernloverrgirl for current content!

thank you, friends, and hope to see you over there. ♥️

[southernlovergirl]

I really wanna send people valentines! would any mutuals be interested in receiving a letter?

[southernlovergirl]

just watched the movie Not Okay. let me just say, amidst an already exhausting and seemingly endless news cycle that fuels social media, if there was ever anything that made me wanna chuck my phone into the ocean even more, it was this movie. while i think that was the goal - props to the writers for creating such a blatant yet intricately weaved narrative of how our generation has been damaged by our desire to feel significant and are spending our youth trying to find our fifteen minutes of fame - the ending knocked the wind out of me. but there was this conclusion that I could release my need for haste, and that was a sigh of relief in itself. exhaling of a burden too great to bear. I’ll never stop thinking about this film no matter how bad I want to.

[southernlovergirl]

currently upset that we decided to end the calendar year 10 days into winter when really our fresh start/reset button should come after enduring the long three months of winter as a species. allow my body to do its natural processes first and prioritize my survival, being well-fed and keeping warm and protecting my home before I get rage-fed capitalistic resolutions and new diet trends, at-home workout plans and easily marketable consumerist-based goals like “activate hustle mode” “all grind, no excuses” on January 1st. like please come and sit down, there’s still two and a half months of winter left. talk to me in spring when I am born again

[southernlovergirl]

I want to raise cows and chickens and horses with someone I love and just live on several acres of land where the only noises are that of the earth and the sounds of my children’s laughter

[southernlovergirl]

this is just a mix of daydreams

・゜゜・・゜・゜゜・．☆ about me ☽ .・゜゜・・゜゜・・゜

[southernlovergirl]

hi friends, call me breezy! keep reading for a lil about me:

♡ my pronouns are she/her

♡ i’m 25 & live in the great state of texas

♡ i play the cello & teach music for a living

♡ i have degrees in english creative writing & journalism

♡ in my free time, i love: hiking, swimming, dancing, traveling, painting, singing, drawing, reading, writing, watching movies, making coffee, being cozy at home, & collecting things

♡ my big three: ☼ sagittarius ☽ virgo ⇡gemini

♡ my enneagram: 4w3 | my mbti: enfp

♡ love languages: receiving gifts, words of affirmation

♡ interests i may talk about on here: etymology, linguistics, classicism, romanticism, impressionism, the arts, architecture, woodworking, baking, rural living, writing

these are a few of my favorite things 🎶

♡ songs ♡

- “wild mountain thyme” by dick gaughan, rufus wainwright, anna mcgarrigle, & emmylou harris

- “the parting glass” cover by hozier

- “sweet thing” cover by the waterboys

♡ shows ♡

- outlander, little house on the prairie, downton abbey, peaky blinders, derry girls, gilmore girls, bridgerton

♡ films ♡

- little women (2019)

- pride & prejudice (2005)

- the sound of music (1965)

- anna karenina (2012)

- o brother where art thou (2001)

- while you were sleeping (1995)

♡ compositions ♡

- pas de deux : the nutcracker suite. pyotr ilyich tchaikovsky

- cello sonata no. 1 in e minor, op. 38. johannes brahms

- the swan : carnival of the animals. camille saint-saëns

[southernlovergirl]

I like to imagine the rituals I’d want to have one day once I live with my significant other. making sundays sacred time to unwind, so we can stay in bed together a little longer; going to the farmers market together and looking for recipes to prep our meals; making coffee in the early morning before the other leaves; taking time to lie in bed in the evening and talk about what’s been going on at work; sharing a bottle of wine when we just need a night home alone and have been missing each other’s intimacy. I so badly crave stability and routine with somebody instead of playing games and living half-heartedly.

[southernlovergirl]

my heart has been so heavy recently feeling the pressure of a number of things upon me

I would love the feeling of being proud of where I’m at & contentment about the season I’m in

but honestly everything feels fleeting and unchanging all at once, too many things feel monotonous and yet the circumstances of every day give me whiplash to where I’m barely breathing, sinking under the current of the riptide that passes, and I feel immovable in my own bones, but heavily swept away by forces out of my control

I am heartache-ish and somber-tongued and stuffy in my own brain as I cannot fathom what the next right move is

some days I feel like evaporating. the future feels like an illusion

some days it feels like a kettle ball. heavy on me, and when it comes upon my chest, I’m crushed by the weight and I can’t move or think or sound the word for ‘help’

too many days I feel like leaving. just up and leaving

to where I never know

[southernlovergirl]

I recently had a friend stay at my place so she could catsit for me while I was out of town. I remember the day before I left, taking the time to fix things up in a way that would help her feel welcome for the full week: washing the sheets, putting out fresh towels, stocking the fridge with her favorite snacks, cleaning my room for her to sleep there, and even putting out some early christmas decorations so she’d feel a little spirited walking in. when the week was over, she left a bouquet of fresh flowers & a note waiting for me by my bedside to say thank you for allowing her into my home. it was sweet almost because she was doing a favor for ME, but she confided in me later over the phone that she felt my home was so peaceful and was so thankful to get to stay there. She shared how she had “the best sleep of her life” in my bed and how she loved my bookshelves full of books and my record collection and my knick knacks, and I felt so seen but also grateful that someone saw the things I did to make my life my own and they wanted to be part of it.

the past three years have been such an uneasy transition into adulthood for me and often times, when I am reflecting on my relationships with certain family members, I can still feel the tugging burden of the many years that my life was NOT my own. the guilt trips and the priority of family obligation to an unhealthy extent and the inability to make my own decisions out of fear of being reprimanded or abandoned. now I remember how much it felt like being enslaved in my own worst fears, and slowly, coming out of that as I found out more and more of who I am. everything around me still tells me otherwise: to give up my peace, to run someone else’s pace, to enter the flow of traffic towards a destination I never wanted. some days I feel very alone in my journey, and I feel as though I’ve done everything wrong for not going the way every one expected me to go.

but I guess what I’m feeling today is gratitude, and a sense of pride in myself when I haven’t in a long time: because there is tangible evidence that I do love my life, even after all the sorrow and guilt and regret and sadness I’ve felt in adulthood. even after the days of feeling lost - and who is to say they are over - I can still find substance in what I am still building for me, and no one else. it just feels like right now I have to protect that, because nobody else will, and I am still alive and on a path, whether it’s been weathered before or not.

I am reminded of the robert frost poem once again of the narrow road that made “all the difference.” I am believing one day I will see the difference, even though right now it is scary because the ground under my feet is not worn in with the footprints of others and some days the path is not visible. I may have to forge my own those days. but one day, I know, it will make all the difference indeed.

[southernlovergirl]

❀ 2023 ❀

[southernlovergirl]

so much I wanna say and could say after watching episode 2 of the “church exposed” docuseries (y’all know which one I’m talking about, I don’t have to say their name) & wasn’t expecting to feel overwhelmed about my own experiences by the end of it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t start this series because I simply wanted to marvel at the crumbling of a glamorized religious empire that has too many cracks in it to not be aware of its own coming downfall. but so far the viewing experience has me made me simultaneously and acutely aware of how patterned effects of cult ripple across similar streams of information, meaning: so many of these women’s tones and voices and stories reflected my own and felt far too familiar for comfort when hearing it reiterated on the big screen. it felt like another utterance of the betrayal and hurt that these ____ (institutions? circles? cults?) can cause out of want of maintaining a certain culture. unfortunately, they would hate to admit it, but that culture is one of secrecy and adultery and deceit and misogyny, and one that keeps men in power whose underlying goal is to silence women. if not this, then what?

it disgusts me but also saddens me that this is a recurring trend in this place that should be sacred, safe, holy and true. why are the places we want to entrust our souls rotten with moral decay and sexual exploitation? it makes me ache from the inside and out and still wonder if I’ll ever be free of the chains I once felt could bind me in this religion and keep me from loving myself wholly; from believing I wasn’t the problem, I wasn’t not good enough, I wasn’t broken or full of sin or deserving of shame. it was not my martyr fate to be ostracized for my own human nature, despite what the stories tell, while another beloved of Adam gets away scot-free and blameless again. i won’t submit and bear the weight of sin for the rest of my days and be in agony over what others tell me I deserve to feel. it is so much better to stand and let their cult of opinion roll the other way off my back, look out into the opening of a horizon I never knew shined on me: one that is holy and sweet and purifying and real; and one that isn’t reflective of the tarnished face of a congregation’s god who never really loved me back in the first place.

[southernlovergirl]

I’m turning 25 in a week and I’ve never been more depressed

[southernlovergirl]

I hate saying that so many days I just want to cry

Why do I always feel like my emotions are the ones that control me

This feeling of unhappiness & anxiety refuses to leave me

I just wish I didn’t feel such an ache or such an emptiness

I want to go where I’m wanted or better yet, not care whether I’m wanted

I want to be where I am free & not feel burdened by the way people see me

I want to be myself again & cry because I have to get it all out of me like a sickness

A fever you weather and cling to the hope that it’ll be over soon

Because you ran through the storm instead of around it

You didn’t avoid it this time

You let yourself feel everything in every fiber of your being

Even the unhappy ones

Even the sorrowful feelings

And you can let go of them now and feel joy because you’ve weathered them properly

I’d feel anything over feeling empty as I do right now

[southernlovergirl]

dreaming once again of having a loving herding dog to run in the yard across several acres of grassy land and little barefoot youngins to run in the mud and collect dandelions and a house where I’ll sit on the porch swing and drink tea and close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the outdoors every summer night