#love how fucked up he is in this very specific way related to autonomy and terror

[emeraldotter]

it is an awful thing to know about yourself

[kawareo]

Thank you lovely people for giving me a chance to ramble more about something (this is genuine, i mean no shade)

I find it really cool how every character has a parallel with Durge! In general every single romance pairing has reasons for why i think "yeah i could see them being good together", but I love those for Durge especially since I think about Durges way too much

Gale. Prodigy, Chosen of a God(ess) with a relationship that went far past god/Chosen, with him and Mystra being 'lovers' and Durge and Bhaal being 'family'. They were also both groomed to a degree to fulfill a role and have since fallen from grace of their gods.

Lae'zel. Raised in what is essentially a cult, having her entire world fall apart when she learns the truth about Vlaakith and Orpheus (while Durge's world falls apart when they learn about who they are in act 3). Cult has harsh and merciless punishments for those that disappoint, with death and beatings for githyanki and... Well. You know what, for Durge (looking at you, deleted bad ending).

Shadowheart. Having an equivalent of an electric collar on you that her God(ess) can punish her with (for Durge, that punishment isnt so immediate but Bhaal can literally stop their heart if he wants to). Amnesia. Having to choose between leading your cult or leaving everything you thought you knew and being an outcast. Depending on what you do with Shart, they also both kill their parents.

Karlach. Having your body changed without your consent, in drastic ways that you have no control over; the engine for Karlach, lobotomy + Slayer form for Durge (slayer in a more minor way but i will say that even in evil route you dont get a say whether or not you transform the first time). They both hurt people that get close to then without meaning to. They both have someone more powerful who sees them as property. Also, ties to Gortash.

Wyll. Daddy issues! And being rejected and outcast by your Father, wanting to prove yourself that you're still worthy. They were also both given shitty fucking names by their dads. They both at some point chose between power at the cost of freedom and freedom at the cost of literally everything; Wyll when he made a deal with Mizora, Durge at multiple points through the game when it comes to Bhaal. They both struggle with being tied to an evil, manipulative being that wants them isolated and weak and alone. Similar with Karlach, unwilling body modification, but specifically one that turns you into a 'monster'.

Astarion. 'Father'. 'Siblings' that you are in constant and brutal competition with, for momentary approval of your Creator who will never have enough of anything short but the world. Creator who's end goal very much includes you dying for him. Having no bodily autonomy as your Creator can literally violate your mind whenever. Sexual abuse. Struggling with bloodthirst! Your existence itself is violent, you can't live without hurting someone! (Bloodthirst for Ass, Urges for Durge)

Halsin. (Potential) guilt for something you have done, being pushed in a leadership position (Halsin at the grove, Durge with companions) that you may or may not be unsuited for. Being so, so alone, without anyone to care for your feelings. They both also have sides of them that they sometimes can't control, with the Bear and Urges, or more literally, the Slayer.

Minthara. A proud and efficent warrior that got one upped by a person they underestimated. Ties to Orin. Living as someone with the highest social status in a brutal, cruel society. Fanatic worship of an objectively evil god(ess) and then the betrayal that follows, waking up from quite literal brainwashing, seeing how your God(ess) turns against you.

And I could go on! Theyre all so good and interesting and depending on what path you decide to take, there is always something that Durge can relate to on with any companion! I tried to avoid repeating points or talking about my Durge specifically by just talking about what is set in canon for them, and there is still! So! Much!

[drdemonprince]

is it (internally too I guess) transphobic of me to be cautious dating someone who just started transitioning?

I don't want my opinions and preferences on how femmes look to be a factor as a tme non-binary femme. I don't want or need her to change herself (or not!) in a certain way, to be clear; I just assume that attraction can fluctuate for both of us and she is the kind of person to take relationships seriously quite quickly. can't tell if I'm overthinking it.

if that's too specific and/or obviously fucked up (I'm honestly not sure) I'm super sorry. my gender presentation stuff is a hornet's nest I am not addressing as nothing helps so I'm really happy for her.

thanks for reading

I think this is actually a really lovely and conscientious question and that your fears are reasonably founded!

The early years of transition are quite emotionally perilous for people and they try our romantic relationships quite heavily; there's a reason I've seen prominent trans people on Twitter claiming that you should end your relationship the moment you come out and begin to transition. I don't fully agree with that advice, but I think a lot of people who try to bluster through an existing relationship while transitioning do end up living to regret it, myself included. I tried to transition gradually to make all the shifts bearable for my partner and me, but that only fomented resentment and insecurity on my end and complete bafflement about how far this was all gonna "go" on my ex's end and ultimately it just meant we drifted apart painfully over the course of years instead of swiftly. it wasn't pretty.

During the first couple of years of transition, people try on all kinds of new styles and presentations, explore new sexual roles, try on different mannerisms, join new friend groups, adopt new self-narratives and frames on past events, and much more. And it's also an incredibly vulnerable time in terms of physical safety out in public AND emotional safety in bearing one's evolving self to close loved ones, and even the slightest reaction from another person can have massive ripple-effects on how we view ourselves and the 'success' of our transitions for a long period afterward.

I think it's very wise and appropriate for you to be concerned that your own reactions to your partner's transition might unduly influence them! I have seen T4T couples with bad boundaries erupt into chaos over this kind of thing in so many ways.

Sometimes the babier trans in the relationship molds herself too much on her more seasoned partner's transition and personal style. Other times, the babier trans leans heavily on the more experienced trans partner for advice and psychological transition related doula-ing, leaving the more experienced trans partner feeling used (Casey Plett has a lot of short stories about this dynamic! check out A Dream of a Woman for a story about a trans girl who becomes disillusioned with her cute, sweet, perfectly supportive cis boyfriend the moment she realizes he isn't so cis, and then ends things). I've even seen trans-trans couples break up in a hail of drama and abuse accusations, all because one partner was triggered by the (misgendering kink) porn preferences of the other partner.

There are so many ways to be trans, and each one of us who has been trans for a while has a lot of strong opinions about the subject. Even if in theory we support the body autonomy and self-expression of every other trans person, in practice we come to relationships with a mess of dysphoria triggers, trauma responses, aesthetic preferences, medical know-how, load-bearing neuroses, and sexual role hang ups to bear, and sometimes when our existing soft spots bash up against a newly-transitioning person's raw wounds, it hurts everybody.

I think it might be easier for you to know this newly-out trans person as a friend than as a romantic partner at this time. It sounds like your gut is telling you something like that, too. You mentioned that she gets attached very quickly. She's in a really open, raw position right now and will probably need a lot of support as she transitions, and she might also be really desperate for approval and for feelings of safety because of it too. And you're not bad or transphobic for wanting to avoid getting wrapped up in all that.

I think it's really big of you to recognize you have your own hang-ups and that they might unconsciously influence her and how her transition goes, too. a lot of trans people don't interrogate how their own expectations and baggage might radiate into their partners (for instance, a lot of TME nonbinaries with trans femme partners pressure those partners into staying masculine to some degree, and keeping their penises sexually available to them for penetration, and it's really harrowing and traumatic). I don't get the vibe you're the type to do anything like that and I don't even know if you're TME, but you get the idea. Trans people aren't inherently pure, we hurt one another and turn one another into symbols of what we desire and what we fear and what's hurt us when really we should be regarding each other as distinct people.

It's fine to not want to date someone newly transitioning. Do you know how many gay people I've met who've said they'll never date newly out or questioning people again? A ton! Being with someone who is newly out requires a lot of patience and emotional caretaking, and some people have no taste for that or aren't equipped to do it, and that's fine. I'd be disinclined to date someone newly out for the most part too, at least if they were also trans masc. I'd be too afraid of accidentally punishing them for reminding me of my earlier self, and that's not fair.

[bloodstained-ballgowns]

Things I Loved About Black Widow (2021).

*Spoilers*

Yes it’s been almost two weeks since release. Yes I’ve seen it almost three times now. Yes, all my thoughts are still a jumble. Somewhat ordering them for this post will be difficult.

Honestly, the entire first 53 minutes of this movie is perfect to me. Everything about it. The dialogue, the action, the way it’s able to convey so much without words, how it’s just Natasha, Yelena and Mason, everything is just *chef’s kiss*. (This isn’t to say the remaining 1hr 21mins is bad, it’s just not as perfect as the first act imo)

I have a thing for scores and god bless Lorne Balfe he really understood the assignment on this one. If you haven’t already, take a few minutes to listen to his composition, specifically ‘Natasha’s Lullaby’. I love when you can hear a story in music and I think this score does that really effectively.

Nat speaking Russian! Nat speaking Russian! The way she reverts back to it in the opening scene when she’s scared! I wish we’d gotten more of it honestly, especially in the family dinner scene, even something as simple as ‘pass the salt’.

Also, her Russian accent in the Budapest flashback! It was quiet but definitely there, and it showed that her American one was something she had to train herself back into once she defected, which I appreciated.

“I stashed that like five years ago” Is this a canon hint that Nat hoards her food? Maybe?! I’ll take what I can get to satisfy my headcanons thanks.

Natasha and Yelena’s fight sequence in the apartment is the best fight scene in the movie. No arguments.

So much of my inner monolgue while watching was just ‘imsogayimsogayimsogay”. That much leather and that many piercings??! The BRAIDS?? This movie is for the wlws.

Mason you absolute icon I love how much you care about Natasha I love that you’re sleeping everywhere because same. (You deserved better than to be a Taskmaster misdirect). Please turn up in more MCU properties as Yelena’s contact or something.

“But you’re not a mouse, Melina. You were just born in a cage, but that’s not your fault.” THIS LINE!!!

AND THIS ONE. “You took my childhood, you took my choices and tried to break me. But you’re never gonna do that to anybody ever again.” The emphasis on choice vs children, how it’s always been about bodily autonomy instead of the romanticised horror of sterilisation that Whedon went with. 

“I never let myself be alone long enough to think about it.” I GASPED.

HONOURABLE MENTION: “You didn’t work in the shadows, you hid in the dark,” (or something). There’s something really satisfying about that line. 

Everything about this film is so inherently female, I love it when things don’t reek of testosterone.

I’ve heard some critics say this movie felt really ‘isolated’ and ‘disconnected’ from the rest of the MCU because of the time jump and how many new characters there were and I have to hard disagree there. The appearance of Secretary Ross, name-dropping Tony Stark, and the continued references to the Avengers were not only realistic but also really cemented this oneshot in-universe for me. 

*cue me flapping my hands and opening another draft because every separate point is eliciting another two paragraphs of analysis that I absolutely cannot include on this post or it will never end*. Man I love this movie. See the read-more because this is getting longgg.

Similarly, how it actually carries through on a lot of previous set up, mostly from Avengers 1, like with ‘Dreykov’s daughter’ and “thank you for your co-operation”. I got very nervous when they announced they were going to tackle Budapest because a) I didn’t think anything they came up with would ever live up to the hype people gave that line so it would only end in disappointment and b) I’ve never particularly cared, to be honest. (it was a throwaway line in Avengers 1 that was repeated for nostalgia in Endgame in a context that now makes no sense, forgive me for being indifferent) but I actually loved how it tied everything together.

The way it reclaims her from every male creator that’s handled her (fuck the Russos and M&M) while simultaneously keeping the best of what they managed to foster (again, Avengers 1 is a heavy influence, and rightly so, but it gives a fat middle finger to AOU, also rightly so).

How competent Nat was shown to be without being unbeatable. She fully got her ass handed to her a couple of times, and yes, it’s very unrealistic that she was able to go through two car accidents, fall off that bridge, out of that window and then out of the sky without being seriously injured, but we finally got to see the physical manifestations of some of that pain! She was holding her ribs when she got out of the water, the bruises on her back, the dislocated shoulder, and the blood splatters were actual splatters when she broke her nose rather than delicate dabs.

This might be an unpopular one, because I know this was what a lot of people were expecting more of, but I was glad Natasha’s youth in the Red Room was confined to the opening credits. The aftermath of that training and Natasha as a product of it has always been more fascinating to me than the actual event.

As an older sister myself, the dynamic between Natasha and Yelena really struck home for me. Yelena’s pride in Nat and need for approval and validation from Natasha in conflict with realising Nat’s flaws, wrestling with her disappointment, seeing how human Nat is, were perfectly portrayed by Florence Pugh. I could completely relate to Nat, who, despite trying to convince herself otherwise, couldn’t fight her fierce protective instinct and specific brand of unconditional love that only an older sister will ever feel. 

A diverse set of Widows!

I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of comics references in this movie. The frame where she jumped through the fire from the Waid/Samnee run, the pheromonal lock.

Now I have my problems with Scarlett Johansson, but I came out of this movie with a lot of respect and a little bit of pride in her. It’s clear that she put her everything into this movie, both as an actor and executive producer. She obviously cares immensely about Nat and how she’s portrayed, and it’s clear from interviews that the things she loves and finds fascinating about Nat are the same as the fans. (I also feel a little bit sorry for the way she’s getting brushed over in the coverage in favour of a new and shiny Florence Pugh, so this is me expressing some ScarJo-as-Natasha appreciation).

A big question I had going in was, ‘Natasha’s always reflecting the people around her, but what’s she like when she’s alone, and has only her own mind for company?’ and this movie really answered that for me. Seeing her out of her suit and wearing clothes that were for her, not for a cover or a mission, seeing her drink beer and eat ice cream and let her hair dry while watching a Bond film she’s obviously seen many times before, it was all perfect. The scenes in the caravan were a huge step for humanising women in action movies. 

I’ll probably be adding to this post a lot because this movie will not leave my mind and new things are occurring to me at the most random points. 

See my ‘Things I...didn’t like as much about Black Widow’ post here.

[that-gay-jedi]

hey hi! harvest & quilt, for the autumnal asks? 🍃🍁

Harvest (fictional character you most identify with and why)

Ok so I feel cheap giving an answer as obvious as Anakin but.

One of my very first posts on this blog discusses how Anakin's specific villainous traits are almost exactly the person I work hard not to be every day. That's not just darkness, that's MY darkness. His trauma reminds me of mine, but crucially, so do his internal responses to it remind me of habits I took years to unlearn.

But at his best, he reminds me of me at my best too. A character who can climb back out of the absolute darkness that is Vader. This effect magnified even further when I started writing raised as Sith!Anakin AUs, but that's a tale for another time.

A very close second is Lio Fiota from Promare. He's almost a mirror image to Anakin in that he flat out isn't a villain at all. The narrative initially sets him up visually and textually to be the main villain but it's a feint. His only "crimes" were 1) existing, 2) continuing to believe he deserved a life when society decided the Burnish were all evil and had to be eradicated, and 3) wanting to protect his people. The symbolism of such a character being imbued with a flamboyant, effeminate confidence is incredible. He's a direct subversion of the queercoded villain trope.

I also related to him bc the story doesn't shy away from Lio's anger, such as when Galo realizes what they need to do is combine "Your desire to burn the world down and my desire to save everyone from the fire."

The common thread between my prior blorbos and faves is that they're had their autonomy stripped in some major way or are coded with some kind of heavily stigmatized mental/emotional trait (like Hexidecimal from Reboot, the quintessential Evil Emotional Woman). I'm gradually picking up more and more clone blorbos with an extra soft spot for Fox, I adored the Winter Soldier before the MCU became a fuck, I adored Knux in Mad Max: Fury Road, etc.

This is also a large part of my love of monsters: I see myself in how everything they do gets interpreted in the most unfavourable light, in how their stories are never THEIR stories, in how control over their fates is so often given to the angry mob or the unjust creator. And in how love totally makes or breaks them.

Quilt (how do you take your tea/coffee)

Coffee: always black. Sometimes I squeeze half a lemon into it and call it a poor man's espresso romano lmao.

I've never met a tea I didn't like, favourites being chamomile, jasmine green, or anything spiced. I'm extremely unlikely to put milk and sugar in. I'm also one of those dirty heathens who leaves the teabag in the entire time and/or brews all types of teas insanely strong.

[assortedpuzzlepieces]

Ok, I’m about to go off on a GIANT rant about a specific issue I have with John Winchester & how the show intentionally & canonically portrays him as an ableist, homophobic asshole through his portrayal by JDM, so buckle up.

For the record, this is something I’ve always believed, but after listening to podcast episodes from @otrsupernatural & Carrying Wayward, one super clear example of why has just snapped into place & I feel compelled to share it.

So I want to start by noting a couple things that stand out. First & foremost, I think JDM is an incredible actor & I think he brings his A game with his portrayal of John. John Winchester is undeniably an asshole, & yet JDM balances that so well against the idea of loving parent, to not only make the character more realistic, but also to give real authenticity & depth to the trauma his children experienced at his hands & answer why they act the way they do in regards to him as their parent.

John is someone who, on the surface, appears to be a loving and concerned father, who makes mistakes, but does so because he’s in shitty circumstances & doesn’t have a lot of options or has his own trauma to battle that limits the choices he believes he has.

However, the show also gives us other content that proves there is more to John than that caring but broken man from as early as S1 & into the beginning of S2, & this content screams the truth of his ableism & homophobia, & gives some really strong evidence as to why these are two of the primary struggles of his children through the end of the series.

To explain, we 1st have to look at characters from earlier in S1. In 1x10, Asylum, we are introduced to Dr. Ellicott. He is shown to be someone who is canonically ableist to people with MHI. He sees them as less human, he does unethical experiments on them, he tortures them, just, lots of gross stuff there. On top of that, we see him as a ghost using what appears to be electrical shocks to Sam & Dean to possess & harm them, which resembles electroshock. There are also strong echoes of conversion therapy in this episode.

After this, we have 1x12, Faith, where Sue Ann is using dark magic to attack & murder people she hates, which specifically includes a woman who was pro choice & a gay man. This not only shows that she was homophobic, but that she condemned sexual freedom & bodily autonomy for women as well, which is in relation to homophobia, as well as deeply rooted in misogyny.

So essentially, we are shown a doctor who tries to force people to be less mentally ill or queer by “curing” them, & then a woman who took it a step further & murdered them to “cleanse” the town. We are given two different, but very interwoven ways with which society has tried to get rid of queers & disabled people, & it’s not subtext, it’s literally stated.

Now, in the show, both Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are the villains, & while the show demonstrates their ableism & homophobia, it also clearly condemns them for those actions. They are both dead/gone by the end of the episode & their actions are shown as evil. This is SO important, especially for a show that has failed in other episodes to truly state what exactly is the problematic action in the episode (looking at you, Bugs & Route 666).

That said, if Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are villains, then we must also extrapolate that ableism & homophobia are intentionally being written as evil in the show, so other characters who demonstrate these actions are also bad. (Yes, I know I’m being super redundant right now, but I just want to be really damn clear on this to demonstrate why I believe John’s characterization is intentional).

Now, in 1x21, John finally “learns” about Sam’s psychic abilities, & I say that in quotes bc there’s reason to believe he knew about it already from Missouri & was just in denial until confronted with the evidence, at which point he has a very strong reaction. As Ali pointed out, it’s interesting that he has such a strong negative reaction, as he clearly doesn’t have an issue with Missouri as a psychic, & yet he’s upset about Sam being one. He demonstrates the mindset of “othering” people outside of his family, which is a common treatment of both people w/ MHI & queer people - the mentality that “those people” are fine in general, but “not my son/daughter/family/me”.

So here in that episode, we are already getting an attitude from him that clearly parallels ableism & homophobia, & that is on top of other comments he made that are clearly rooted in misogyny, like his “that’s my man” to Dean in the flashback in Something Wicked This Way Comes (1x18).

THEN - the final nail in the coffin is the “secret” he tells Dean before he dies in 2x1; that Dean needs to either save Sam or stop him. By now it’s crystal clear he views Sam as something “other”, something not fully human, & his response? It’s literally “cure or cleanse”. Either make him “normal” or get rid of him.

To repeat, John LITERALLY uses ableist & homophobic language & tactics towards him son because he is different, & also tries to force Dean to do the same, passing on that legacy, by trying to erase anything about Sam thats not his personal definition of “normal”, all out of FEAR of who his son is & what he might do.

And the show CONDEMNS this behavior from the very beginning, even before we ever see him act this way!! They make it clear that ableism & homophobia are BAD, show John act that way, & then condemn him AGAIN when Dean tells Sam & it is made clear to the audience that what John asked of him was wrong.

Like… holy fuck. There is literally no way I can watch this & not believe that his characterization was not 100% intentional with him being set up as a bad person & his actions as condemnable. It’s just not narratively possible. John Winchester was intentionally written to be an asshole & we are supposed to see him as one, & any love we see from him is only meant to validate the complicated feelings Sam & Dean have towards him, not undermine the knowledge that he is a bad person. It’s literally in the text.

*Edit - Im adding a point here, since it’s been brought to my attention. John’s concern about Sam being infected with demon blood & possibly corrupted does not detract from the parallel being made between his actions & those of IRL people who are homophobic or ableist. In fact, this is another argument for that in interpretation, & here is why -

For literal thousands of years, mental illness has been viewed as demonic. People w/ MHI were thought to be possessed, evil incarnations, or even just sinfully corrupt & given to wickedness. People w/ physical disabilities were believed to be punished for moral failings, not faithful enough, etc, etc. Queer people were believed to be sexually deviant, witches, destroyers of families, etc.

These beliefs carry across many religions, but especially Christianity, & are present even today in some more extreme sects. And the people that believed these things? Well many of them were parents who “loved” their child & were trying to protect them from evil by purifying them. They too believed they had valid fears & good reasons to torture, maim, & even kill their children.

So to anyone who would argue “well it’s not the same because John had a good reason to be afraid of Sam” - shut the fuck up, because no, he didn’t.

Sam hadn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t doing anything worth killing him over. He was a good kid who was hurt by someone outside his control & yet he only started doing anything that was truly wrong when he was pushed to it by circumstances that were again, beyond his control, & only then bc he was trying to do what was right!!

Anyone would do that, not just a kid w/ some demon blood powers. So let’s not act like he was inherently dangerous just BC he was different, bc guess what? That’s part of that mindset too. Sam was a good fucking person & John seeing him as less was John’s failing, not Sam’s.

[tangent101]

Max Caulfield and Post-Storm PTSD

One thing I find interesting (and have done so myself) is speculating on how broken Max will be in a Post-Storm (either Sacrifice Chloe or Sacrifice Arcadia Bay) setting. While some people (usually those who killed Chloe) like to say "she'd bounce back!" the predominant view is that we have a shattered Max after this who needs a lot of therapy. So I thought I'd unpack this and look at why I look at this this way.

At this point I should add there is potential triggers here. I'll be examining my own PTSD and elements of Max's state of mind that may in fact result in her being in declining mental health in the wake of the events of Life is Strange.

First, let's consider what PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is, and what causes it. And for this I'm going to start by sharing my own trauma. Because I have PTSD. I gained this after I saw a vehicle go out of control and hit two people and run over two others. The final person was trapped under the vehicle and they had to push the van at an angle to pull him out, do CPR, and... he was dead. Even if EMTs had been right there, he'd not have survived.

I suffer flashbacks thinking of this, though it's gotten better. I will flinch, visualize what happened, and feel nausea. I get tense over this and... well, it's not a happy experience to put it mildly. And I have what is likely a milder case of PTSD. I also developed it despite being in an environment that put me at a lower risk of developing it. And yes, I had minor twinges of PTSD writing this up. Two years ago I probably would have had an actual visualization and anxiety break. So you can get better with therapy and help.

But what specifically is PTSD? According to the website for the National Institute of Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in some people who experience shocking or dangerous events, with people who have PTSD feeling stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger. PTSD can occur within 3 months of traumatic events or even have you be fine and then crop up *years* later. And symptoms include flashbacks where you relive the trauma, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts which can disrupt a person's everyday routine.

People with PTSD are easily startled, can feel "on edge," have angry outburst, and have difficulty sleeping. They could go through avoidance of staying away from reminders of the experience and avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the event. Further, cognitive and mood symptoms include problems remembering key features of the event, self-negativity, distorted guilt or blame feelings, and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.

Okay, so how can you avoid PTSD? And how could Max avoid this? Well, factors promoting recovery after trauma include seeking support from friends and family, finding a support group, learning to feel good about your own actions in the face of danger, positive coping strategies, and learning to act and respond effectively even when feeling fear.

And this is the kicker. This is why Max is likely screwed as a result of the events of Life is Strange, especially in a Sacrifice Chloe setting. Because Max blames herself and her time travel for the Storm and all the weird shit that happened. She may very well believe that if she uses time travel for any reason, it will result in the Storm and a lot more people dying. And this will get in the way of being in a healthy environment to avoid PTSD.

First, consider friends and family. Max can't tell them what happened because she has absolutely no proof of what she went through. She can't prove her time travel because if she does then she dooms wherever she is and a lot of people die. (It doesn't matter if this is the case or not, she assumes it is true.) So Max is not going to confide in Warren or Dana or Victoria or anyone. She can't. And she's quite likely going to isolate herself because we have already seen at the start of the game, Max is a bit of a loner who doesn't have many friends.

In fact, her two "friends" are Warren (who she feels threatened by due to his attraction to her, as seen by his inclusion in her Nightmare sequence including learning he doctored photos of her to include himself in the picture, his peeping activities on the second day, and the honestly-creepy "Go Ape" thing), and Kate. Kate is going through her own shit and Max remembers Kate killing herself. Is Max going to unload her own issues on someone going through a lot of shit as well or is she going to swallow her problems so not to trouble her friend? And Warren is someone she feels nervous around and who has engaged in some activities that set up warning flags in her psyche. Further, when she told Warren the truth, he promptly blames her time travel on fucking everything up. In short, she trusted Warren and Warren said "you caused all this destruction." (Even if Max initially blames herself, he reinforces that point of view before Max jumps through the photo to save Chloe.)

Nor can I see her telling her parents. Again, she has no proof. Her parents are overprotective already. If she starts going off on this fanciful tale, are they going to believe her? Or are they going to assume their daughter is cracking and force her into therapy and possibly hospitalize her "for her own good" (and thus she ends up medicated and miserable, having lost her autonomy and agency)? It doesn't matter if they wouldn't as Max will worry this could happen. It is better to never say a thing. So Max internalizes everything. And we already see evidence that Max has done this sort of thing in the past. Max keeps her secrets close to her heart. She never told her parents of the time travel even when she could have had proof. So why tell them after Chloe died?

I have been overcoming my PTSD by revisiting it and working through it. Part of this was guided by therapy. Max would not be in a position to talk about this. And how could she? After all, she didn't find Rachel Amber's body (and we have no proof her body is uncovered in a Sacrifice Chloe setting). She didn't see the Storm. She didn't see most of the incidents. The closest that happened was being in the bathroom when Chloe was shot. And her story of what happened would change from the week that beta-Max was in charge and when Max Prime returned to the timeline. So even if she was talking to a school counselor? She'd quickly learn that her story changed and probably shut up and stop seeing them so not to give away her story.

Remember: Max cannot admit to the time travel because doing so means either killing hundreds of people due to the Storm or being locked away for being crazy because she has no proof.

Next, we have feeling good about her actions. For five days Max had hammered into her skull her actions have consequences. More, those consequences are predominantly bad. Far too often Max has to Rewind to fix things from her actions. If she can't Rewind? That means by acting, she's going to fuck things up. In fact, the fundamental aspect of Sacrifice Chloe states that her action to save Chloe caused all of this destruction. Max is going to second-guess herself constantly.

I mean, if she sees Kate on the roof again at a later point (because women who are the victims of crimes are often blamed by society for the crimes inflicted against them as seen time and time again with how we blame victims of sexual harassment and rape for the crimes committed against them, so of course her church and mother and aunt will continue to blame Kate for what she went through), will Max dare to act? If she does, then she might cause another Storm. She might cause damage. If Kate is on that rooftop again, maybe she was supposed to die. Who does Max think she is by trying to stop Destiny?

So yeah. Max is not going to feel good about her actions. She is going to second-guess herself. She already had that tendency at the start of the game, and Sacrifice Chloe hammers down the truth that action is bad. Better to do nothing and not interact.

We end up with Avoidance. Well, what is the biggest Avoidance? Photography. Max already has a murderer who kidnapped her associated with photography. She remembers being in the Dark Room, being powerless in the face of the man who murdered her Chloe. (Just like she murdered her Chloe. She might not have pulled the trigger, but she caused Chloe's death.) She will see Chloe's death and Rachel's death and her own suffering each time she looks at a camera and remembers Mark Jefferson. More, she knows if she focuses on a photograph she could end up traveling through time and causing the Storm. So she can't even enjoy pictures anymore because they are a threat.

That's not to say that the Sacrifice Chloe setting is all dark and dire. She does have music. She loves music. So if she puts aside the camera she might pick up her guitar and embrace music. (Hannah Telle, Max's VA, once speculated that Max would enter a career in music, probably due partly to her own musical inclinations.) So while she might give up her greatest loves, she might eventually embrace a future in music. I doubt she'd ever play in public but... that might be an outlet for a hurting soul.

Now, I've gone on at length about how dire things are for Max in a Sacrifice Chloe setting, but what about Sacrifice Arcadia Bay? Well, things end up a bit more positive in this setting because she can actually talk about going through some of these things. For instance, Max dug up a body with Chloe. She saw Chloe almost shot by Nathan in the bathroom. She saw Kate attempt suicide (whether or not she stopped it is immaterial to the suicide attempt). She learned that a trusted teacher and mentor was in fact a predator who was kidnapping young women, saw pictures of these crimes, and thus "suffers flashbacks visualizing herself in this setting." She can go to therapy and talk about many things she cannot in a Sacrifice Chloe setting and in doing so she can start to work through elements that could result in PTSD developing.

She can also talk to Chloe about what happened. Chloe knows about the time travel. She knows about almost dying (and Max witnessing Chloe's death multiple times). This gives Max a needed outlet for overcoming her own fears and concerns. But more importantly is this: Chloe is likely to tell Max to face down her fears. Chloe is the person who always pushed Max to try new things. And I honestly cannot see that changing as a result of what they went through.

Max also will learn to feel good about her actions. I mean, she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. This is the ultimate action, and while she may feel remorse for those deaths and that destruction... she also knows she saved Chloe and Chloe is by her side. She knows that her actions led to the capture and arrest of Mark Jefferson and saving Victoria Chase's life. Hell, it led to David Madsen (and probably a couple Arcadia Bay police officers) surviving the Storm because they were in the Dark Room at the time of the Storm. Her actions have consequences... and those consequences need not be dire. They can be beneficial.

So the Max of Sacrifice Arcadia Bay has a support group, she has access to therapy and can talk about some of the things she went through, she has someone she loves who believes her, she knows that her actions have benefit, she has someone who urges her to move forward. This isn't to say she won't have PTSD... but she is in a far better environment to overcome this to the point that in Life is Strange 2, we learn (in the Save Chloe timeline) that Max is submitting to galleries and that Chloe is still with her. So she's taking pictures and is in a good place in her life.

Now, what about Chloe? After all, Chloe went through some truly horrific shit herself. Chloe was almost shot by Nathan, she almost got hit by a train, she was threatened by Frank, she dug up the body of a girl she truly cared for, dozens of yards from where she was hanging out regularly, she saw a huge-ass Tornado wipe out her home town and kill her mother... yeah, Chloe's been through some horrific stuff, about as horrific as Max. More, she is in an unhealthy position at the time of the game.

But much of what benefits Max in the Save Chloe timeline also benefits Chloe. She can talk to a therapist. She has Max by her side. She has Max by her side and Max out-and-out chose her over hundreds of people. Joyce chose David over her, and for four years Chloe was in an unsafe environment. Rachel was... Rachel, and she was cheating on Chloe anyway. But Max... Max comes back, she saves her life several times, she helps Chloe time and time again, and at the end she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. That is big. That is bigger than big, it is... for once, Chloe was told "you are important." I mean, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking of how big this is. Chloe has realized just how much Max loves her.

So... Chloe might develop PTSD. She is at risk of it. I think her triggers might similar to Max's - both girls probably will freak over thunderstorms for a while, and both may develop an aversion toward guns... at first I thought they'd differ but really, they'd align fairly well. About the only trigger issue Max would have Chloe doesn't has to do with photography (which is why Chloe is the person who'd help Max overcome any such issues).

[some-jw-things]

For me personally, one of the hardest aspects of leaving a cult was how it fucked up my perception of love.

“Love-bombing” is a recruitment technique. You walk in through that door for the first time, and the entire congregation can’t wait to greet you and befriend you and they’re sometimes actually counting every minute they spend speaking to you so they can log it in their service report. You are offered instant love from a whole new community, for seemingly nothing, just for being there. Not earned, not gradual. Everyone in a Kingdom Hall loves one another

There were brothers and sisters I had never spoken to directly and that I didn’t know the names of. I was told since I was born that I should be willing to give my life and die for any one of them, no exceptions whatsoever. You aren’t allowed to dislike or openly have any issues with anyone in the congregation because of this specifically.

And then on top of this, we’re taught that only Jehovah’s Witnesses have love among themselves. There’s approximately 20 Bible verses they use to back this, they talk about the moral atrocities of every other religion as proof but of course the Society has never had a scandal ever— at least not one we were told about, and with the “don’t read outside sources” doctrine, they can get away with anything. They can get away with painting themselves as the only true, pure, morally upright religion in existence

When I said I was leaving, my dad told me straight up that I would never experience love again in my life. Only Jehovah’s Witnesses has that.

I know it’s easier to explain and more relatable for worldly people when we talk about the sky burning in Armageddon, friends and family falling and dying by our sides, going underground to live in a bunker and hide from the government, facing permanent eternal death— all those things that the Society has promised us, and we can point to and say they’re terrifying. It’s easy. It’s understandable.

The part that’s harder to explain is that I’ve expected my whole life that I’ll die young but the idea of living completely alone and unloved for however much longer I have— that kept me in a lot longer than the other stuff did. It’s a very effective control mechanism, being told that no one will ever genuinely care for you outside of this group

And then there’s the shit that Witnesses do to family relationships

At varying points in time, I have been fully convinced that the only things keeping my mother from leaving my dad were the congregation punishments and financial concerns. It’s a bit like their marriage came straight out of the 1940s: divorce is a sin, would get them disfellowshipped, and my mom doesn’t have the money to live on her own even if she could. My dad doesn’t do any of the housework whatsoever— all of that gets pushed to his wife and children. My mother blames herself for this, because apparently it’s her fault for “spoiling” him when he got badly injured twenty years ago. My dad, being the head of the household, has the final authority on any of our decisions he chooses to involve himself in, despite knowing almost nothing about what’s going on with us at any given time. The disparity of the housework wouldn’t be so bad, but my parents both work full time, not just my dad.

A few years back, my sister and I were in an extended period of anger over this. We weren’t outright trying to convince mom to leave dad (her main defense being that she was getting older and she had made her choice years ago), but it came damn close. My sister asked mom to name three things she loved about dad.

A half hour later, she didn’t have any.

She loves my dad, in the way a Christian wife loves her Christian husband. She couldn’t name any specific way, but she insists she does. She will never leave him.

They love each other. I know this. I don’t understand it.

I was terrified by the idea of marriage since I was eight years old. For Jehovah’s Witnesses, marriage is in no way between equals. I’ve gotten in trouble for implying that men and women could be equal. Marriage under this system means an even bigger loss of autonomy than I already had. The JW idealized loving relationship looks like hell to me

I said earlier that I was going to talk about familial love but I got sidetracked by romance, I’m coming back to it now

Familial love is completely 100% conditional. A JW will receive love if and only if they adhere to a strict set of terms. Upon violation of the terms, all love will be immediately revoked.

When a Jehovah’s Witness leaves the religion, their friends and family are supposed to shun them. No contact whatsoever, through any medium. If the ex-JW is an adult, they’re supposed to be kicked out of the house. If they’re still a minor, they are allowed to continue living there and communication is allowed only as far as it is needed for household functioning

This is love for Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is instant, enduring, boundless, to the extent of being willing to give your life for one another within seconds of finding out someone is a fellow brother or sister.

Until you commit a sin. Sinning makes you unlovable, here.

A girl I grew up with was kicked out, homeless, not even given time to pack a bag, because she fell in love with a worldly boy and interfaith dating is not allowed. This had nothing to do with any sexual sin. The boy just wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness, and that was enough.

There was a man who left the congregation years back, along with his wife. He contacted his mother a few years later and wanted her to meet his kids. He wanted them to spend at least one day together. She told him very bluntly that she wanted nothing to do with him or his family anymore. She relayed this story in service, and everyone comforted her and told her how strong she was, how proud Jehovah must be.

Romantic love is bound up in rigid rules. You do not sit next to someone of a different gender unless you’re engaged or close to it. You don’t go on dates without a chaperone, you don’t spend even a minute alone without a chaperone. Texting and dating have a blurred line, so that needs to be policed. If you date for over a year, then you’re leading that person on. You’re a spinster or a bachelor by age 25. Divorce is a sin. Divorce will get you disfellowshipped.

There was a woman in my congregation who went to Bethel and met a man there. They knew each other for two weeks before getting engaged. And divorce is a disfellowshipping offense. There were so many older couples in my congregation who had stories like that, who had dated for only a handful of months, and I guess they love each other like my parents love each other

We’re told that disfellowshipping is a loving arrangement. Shunning is an expression of love. It’s spiritual rock bottom: it’s meant to be the wake up call that makes you realize how badly you need God and the Org. It’s meant to be incentive to repent, start following all the rules again, and beg for reinstatement. You want to see your loved ones again, don’t you? And they want to see you. That’s why they’re doing this, see, because they love you and care about you.

In the cult, love is used almost exclusively to hurt people.

[calpalsworld]

Not "autistic anon," but also autistic, (being called maybe ableist made me want to put this out there before go to bed) i thought Zane was depicted that way purposefully by the writers. He has stereotypical traits like taking things literally, and has an actual humor switch. The writers have done things with Zane before like have him lose bodily autonomy (during that one Wu's teas short) and did something with his voice be it making him unable to be understood or talking too loud and the forced pirate voice by Jay. (what you're doing isn't too different from that, right?) I thought it was just a little iffy to distort his body and memory bc that could be interpreted as something not that I'm sure what exactly, it's some kind of disability. I dunno. I'm not good with putting this to words. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry I went to bed but now I’m awake 😭

Also I ended up totally spilling all my thoughts here rather than only specifically replying to you please forgive me context: my scary zane concept design, & my ninjago rewrite i refer to a lot 

Im a little confused but I think I get what you're saying? You're saying the Ninjago writers absolutely DON'T write Zane well (you listed examples of this) and you don't want me to fall into the same trap?

I had the opposite logic earlier. I thought: If Ninjago writers made Zane have stereotypical autisitic traits while also being a dehumanized robot, I may as well embrace it, say he is autistic blatantly, while also making him do funny/cool non-human robot things, so its clear as possible the two aspects of his character are literal and separate and not a metaphor for each other. But you're right! I do have a choice and I dont have to embrace things! :)

Like there were a couple ways I was gonna reject the original, for example, I never wanted Zane to have a funny switch, and I hated how other characters could fuck with Zane and he didn't even care 😬. I want to change that stuff. So youre right, if I am changing shit like that, it would be counterproductive for ME to GIVE him MORE traits along that theme. 😬😬😬 I should try to feel less obligated to portray Zane like he originally is. I still like the concept of "scary zane" (for reasons i explain below the cut) but I might tone it down a bit like with the claws and weird proportions and shit. I’d def make him look more skeletal and undead. That was my original intention, but i didnt execute it as good as I could have.... idk if anyone could tell thats what he was supposed to be like...my bad! But rn I dont wanna redesign him I wanna draw other stuff like normal alive Zane. Sorry LMAO 😳. Like I said in some earlier asks I think, I think Im gonna focus rn on how I should portray season 1 normal not dead Zane so thank you and feel free to share any other Zane thoughts ^_^ SOME OTHER THOUGHTS:

Also I Wanna Argue Some Stuff But I Understand its a Weak Argument Since All of This Context was Just In My Brain (so don't take this as an argument, just as me rambling): I don't want messed up things to happen to Zane and for it to just be ignored. I think if Zane is going to have fucked up things happen to him, as all characters must, its best for it to happen during a season where he actually addresses his feelings about being a robot (learning to accept that he will always be himself, regardless if hes "human" or the "original" or whatever. (thats how I always interpreted his emotions)). But I wouldn't have the other Ninja be very phased by Zane's looks because the whole point is they already love who he is (seasons 1-3 were about getting to know Zane) and now Zane himself just has to learn the physical, robot part of him is okay. Its about person-hood rather than humanity. Because the season focuses around Zane's soul, and because he lost his original body, I feel like I could mess around with his current, temporary body and have fun and make it scary. Because that body should be irrelevant. I understand it possibly being upsetting for an autistic character to be designed like this, but other people I talked to see it the opposite way. They find it comforting for him to look so different but still be himself and be so loved. SO IM ABSOLUTELY NOT saying its wrong to be bothered or to hate it or to feel any way. Just that I personally think it would be cool for Zane to be portrayed with a little spice lol, so thats why I like scary Zane for season 4.

Another Thing I Wannna Say But Is REALLY Hypocritical: (this isnt directed at anyone I just REALLY want to say this) I know I say "this is Zane but scary, he looks like fnaf" so he's obviously dehumanized, but I always felt like "scary" is more of an objective fact. Its an instinct. But what's "not human" is subjective. I think there is a problem with saying anything different from "average" human is dehumanized because that could extend to real people. Lol I know its bad for me to compare FNAF-ass Zane to real people, but I mean he could be real. People can have exposed teeth, and people can be shaped weird. And when someone first sees a person who looks like that they'll probably think "woah those features are scary" by instinct. And that surprise doesn't make someone ableist obviously. But bring that person’s humanity into question is NOT an instinct, and is fucked to shit. This is kinda a bad point for me to make since its about the fictional FNAF Zane I drew, and I am NOT implying ANYONE was thinking like this. [especially not the original asker anon who I am totally forgetting about at this point OOPS]. But I just thought it was an opinion of mine I couldn't go without mentioning when talking about dehumanization and disabilities.

^^^ I think you (anon) understand what I mean and might’ve said the exact same thing as me if you were writing a long ass response? I think this because you started to bring physical disabilities up and you said it was "a little iffy." ^_^ So we agree, but I don't see Zane's relation to real life disabilities as "a little iffy" I see it more like "complicated"? IF THAT DIFFERENCE EVEN MAKES ANY SENSE?????? I feel like a lot of things about Zane are really just complicated and need the right context, rather than the concepts necessarily being wrong -- NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT! THATS THE WHOLE REASON I DO THIS STUPID REWRITE! XD thats why a lot of my rewrite SO FAR has been the same concepts and plot beats, but different dialogue n specifics and such. I like a lot of concepts in Ninjago but I dont think they were presented correctly.....! :( So I guess all we can do is wait and see if I make Zane offensive or not....???

Also something about the memory part - yeah i agree i was surprised no one thought that was weird to make jokes out of his memory issues..... BUT I am like 100% firm on making his memory take longer to come back because I think its stupid how quick Zane was able to recover from literally dying. Like its just dumb to me. Hate it. (also bc memory & soul mechanics is ummm kinda important in my rewrite.... for reasons). Another memory thing btw, I was going to make his original amnesia come from hitting his head in an attack against the Skulkin when they stole his dads corpse, rather than his dad fucking choosing to make him forget. (its a sweet & iconic scene, but Um, WHY?!!!?!?!?!?) He has to follow data recovery instructions he finds in his dads diary. I think in that context it makes moments of memory loss somewhat different for Zane's character? Instead of loss of autonomy associated with disability, its a literal violent loss of autonomy associated with being traumatized by physical force. Idk how to phrase it exactly but I think that makes some vibes different?

Sorry, I think I got really distracted, and I don't know if I responded well to your points. Because uhhhh I think I agree with your stance actually? If I understand correctly? Fuck Ninjago writers for making the robot lose autonomy (a stereotypical robot theme) while also making him seem clearly autistic (NOT A HAPPY THEME FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE) and not addressing it. And also auuugh Zane with a weird body is a difficult topic - kinda sussy pretty iffy.

Lol anyway idk if this made any sense and I REALLY rambled on you. but this was nice 👉👈 more Zane criticism pls love you and i love zane. i hope u dont feel mad at me because then it would be weird that im saying that lol. if you do feel mad at me tho you can send another ask (ILL TRY TO JUST LISTEN NOT RAMBLE NEXT TIME) but assuming ur chill rn, love you thnx

Take this page, don’t mind cole’s ass.

[mattelektras]

Im not the anon that asked but I would love to hear the serious answer on why you love elektra because I love her too 💗 and I feel like not enough people love her lol

hard to do this without getting into My Issues as a person because thats a huge part of why i just. vibe with her so hard. but GENERAL things 

i joke a lot about how i like women who are mean but i REALLY DO LIKE WHEN WOMEN ARE MEAN!!!!!! women who’ve had shitty things happen to them and it hasnt made them kinder or nicer or whatever. not women who dont not take shit because theyre strong n independent or whatever trope we’re on this week but women who dont take shit because they know they dont have to and they dont have to be nice about not taking shit. women should be mean n not worry about being gentle and letting people down gently when they have no reason to listen to them in the first place 

negative character development baby!!!!!!!! she started out as a nice wholesome college girl who wanted to fight her cause and help the world, but then these shit things just KEEP happening to her no matter what she does, whether she kills people or she doesnt, it never seems to get better for her and i just love how that SHOWS. she comes off as cold, she’s a little bitter, she doesnt trust people, she doesnt commit to friendships or relationships easily, she doesnt trust anyone, the list goes on. it just very realistic to me how shes allowed to be all of those things that are usually afforded to grizzled male characters like batman and the punisher and any other dude with stubble and a dead girlfriend 

all that being said, she has a lot of her fundamental beliefs like she DOES, despite herself, believe people can be good inherently, she just doesnt believe it’s her. she’s a staunch defender of women and kids who've been in shitty situations because she wouldnt want what shes had for anyone else

she canonically has depression and has taken medication for it for a long time, even before her father died in some comics, and she’s believably (to me at least. which might say something about me but. next) someone who grew up w depression and thats just how she is. she doesnt emote much, even negatively. and imo, a lot of depictions of depression are based in like... heightened sadness?? idk how else to phrase it, and whilst that can be the case, its not the only way depression shows itself and i just.... relate to her version of it so much

the fact that she was created by one of the most misogynistic comic creators in the history of the medium who wanted an outlet for his hard on for japanese culture who’d die after her first outing, and shes evolved into such a complex, difficult, unique female character who exists so strongly outside of the man she was written to support 

her potential!!!!! she has a best friend within the xmen but shes never interacted with the team as a whole, she has a complicated relationship with black widow who she has so much in common with and would have SUCH a good rapport with, and theres so much to be explored with them in regards to organisations moulding them to be something. she’s died twice and come back not quite the same. can she even die???? what has hand magic done to her??? shes immune to their control, what else has it changed about her??? someone with a brain and taste write a comic about it

while she is completely human, she’s got such total control over her own mind and body that she can slow her heartbeat so no one knows when shes lying, she can hold her breath whilst fighting the purple man so he never gets control of her, she can, to a certain unknown extent “””throw””” her mind at other people’s to immobilise them. there’s a lot that needs to be filled in there but shes potentially very powerful even outside of her physical abilities 

one of, if not my absolute favourite thing about her is that you do NOT get to fuck her over twice. bullseye killed her once with her own weapons, she’s a) beat him every time since to the point where he’s openly admitted she was always better than him and b) had her weapons modified to electrocute anyone who touches them that isnt her. she doesnt let herself be hurt twice in the same way. shes just so protective of herself which comes off as being manipulative or cold or that she only really cares for her own wellbeing, which isnt true but she does what she���s gotta do

which is how we get into the whole murdering for money thing like. she doesnt enjoy killing, she doesnt care for the money, she does it because the things thatve happened to her have made her the sort of person who CAN kill and she sees that as being what shes good for. so if thats what she is, she’ll do it well and use her own murderous skills to do good in the only way she thinks shes capable of 

ALL THAT BEING SAID. shes not infallible, in secret invasion when she encounters bullseye, she physically shakes like, shes TERRIFIED, but she gets her shit together in a second and shuts that off so she can do what she has to do

and speaking of secret invasion, she was the catalyst for this whole universe altering event and no one ever gave a shit about her except for logan!!!! she lost months of her life and her bodily autonomy and she never once asked for help or got any support and she just got the fuck on with it!!!! jessica got a whole comic about her trauma with the ending being that people DO love and care for her but elektra never got that. she’s just incredibly strong and even if she wasnt, no one would ever know because she deals with it alone

shes just so fucking GOOD at what she does and she rarely gets recognised for that like 

wolverine has said she’s more dangerous than him

she took down an entire helicarrier full of shield agents 

she took down 3 super skrulls, two of them disguised as the two people she loves most (logan and matt) and again, just!!!! got!!! on with!!!! it!!!!!

got kicked out of the chaste for being too angry or whatever when in fact, stick just didnt like the fact that she was better than the rest of his secret ninja group

matt knows she’s better than him, and that if an enemy can take her out, then he doesnt stand a chance 

and finally, just the pretene and mythology to her is really... something. being based on a greek play in name and vague backstory in regards to her father but it being so much more deep and woven in than that, to the point where, if you read electra by sophocles, which i have many times for this specific reason, you would think she came first. and frank miller is NOT that smart to have done it all by himself. she is herself such a refined, classic concept with modern ties but also this ancient ass mythology that  makes her so much more than just something marvel did like they do not have the range

idk. she means a lot to me in a way thats kind of embarrassing to admit in regards to a drawing in some comics, most of which i dont even LIKE. you will not catch me being this emotional for any other bitch. i love her so much and whether im projecting or not, no character will ever be Mine (copyright pending) in quite the same way

[joannerowlingfans]

Great article from June by Eileen Blair. Here’s some excerpts: 

“The Bodily Function Which Must Not Be Named

Daniel Radcliffe knows some things about menstruation. Recently he wrote a statement assuring us that the correct word for those who experience periods is not “women” or “girls,” but “people who menstruate.” However, when he told us this, he didn’t actually tell us this. He never used the word ���menstruation,” or “period,” or “blood,” or any related word. There was no mention of clots, or cramps, or dysmenorrhea, or endometriosis. He did not name the “people who” experience these things.

Instead, Radcliffe did name author J.K. Rowling, who recently came under fire for stating the controversial opinion that the word “woman” is still of use, and that this now-contested term may even provide a more appealing way to describe human beings than “people who menstruate,” or the more streamlined “menstruator.” But while Radcliffe invoked Rowling’s name, he did not acknowledge her ideas, which she has expressed publicly in a number of tweets and in a recent essay. Instead, he opened his statement by simply insisting that there is no “in-fighting” between him and Rowling, without mentioning why anyone might think there is. He anticipated that “certain press outlets” might seize on the opportunity to report on a conflict between Radcliffe and Rowling, which they promptly did. The Guardian, the Independent, and the Times all referred to a “row” between Rowling and Radcliffe.

On social media, many enthusiastically shared Radcliffe’s statement, but I have yet to see any of Radcliffe’s fans mention that he both failed to identify the topic at hand and neglected to consider Rowling’s ideas about it. In 2020, it seems, if someone mentions Rowling, however obliquely, and with even the slightest hint that they disapprove of her for some reason they need not even state, they can count on being showered with unreserved praise.

The Menstruators Who Must Not Be Named

There is more that is not mentioned. The third sentence of Radcliffe’s statement asserts, “Transgender women are women.” Curiously, he does not go on to say, as anyone familiar with scripture would expect, “Transgender men are men, and nonbinary people are who they say they are.” In fact, there is no mention of transgender men or nonbinary people anywhere in Radcliffe’s statement, even though the ultra-specific term “people who menstruate” is intended to accommodate these groups—people who have periods who do not identify as women.

Why does Radcliffe choose this occasion to remind us that trans women are women? Trans women do not menstruate. This is why it is now considered exclusionary for those women formerly known as women to claim that menstruation is related to being a woman. That’s pretty much the point of terms like “menstruator.” By intoning “transgender women are women,” Radcliffe associates women, and only women, with the expression “people who menstruate.” This is exclusionary and transphobic. Not all women have periods, and not all who have periods identify as women.

Among those who cheered Radcliffe, I have yet to see anyone call out Radcliffe for his exclusionary and transphobic refusal to acknowledge “people who menstruate.”

The Silencing That Must Not Be Spoken Of

There is yet more that is not said. Rowling has been on the receiving end of misrepresentation and verbal abuse for over two years, simply for suggesting that women formerly known as women have the right to discuss the word “woman.” For advocating free speech, she has been derided, slurred, and even threatened.

Into the fray saunters Daniel Radcliffe, who, without any apparent effort, scribbles a few words calculated to score points with his base. His four-word magic incantation, “transgender women are women”—again, this is transphobic and exclusionary of people who menstruate—ignites passions and encourages continued demonization of Rowling. Readers need not even know what Rowling has said, for Radcliffe’s magic spell sanctifies him and positions him securely on the moral high ground. Rather than discuss menstruation, or Rowling’s point of view, he describes the discrimination young transgender and nonbinary people have self-reported. It goes without saying that this should be eradicated, but it is a diversion. Rowling, the prop he uses to display his righteousness, is at this very same moment being mercilessly bullied online and in the press. By ignoring this, by saying her name only to turn away from her, by making the sinner a foil to his own saintliness, he lazily enables those who would consign her to the online ducking stool.

Rowling has taken pains to be considerate and measured, just as women formerly known as women are still expected to do. Nevertheless, she has been described as “hateful” and “transphobic.” She has been accused of saying trans people “don’t exist.” Rowling has been called a “bitch,” a “cunt,” a “whore” (also “hoe”), and even—gasp—“a Karen.” (In reality, the offense seems to be not that Karen has demanded to speak to the manager but that she is the manager.)

As expected, Rowling is also called a “TERF.” (Rhymes with “serf.”) Proponents of “letting people be who they are” have proposed that “TERFs” like Rowling deserve to be physically assaulted or killed. One TERF-hunter calls upon a well-known veteran to do the honors: “I’d pay to watch [Charlotte] Clymer put on her army camo and shoot the TERF.” Another goes for the DIY approach: “Smack JK Rowling so hard I give that fool a lighting scar on HER forehead.” Rowling has been challenged to a duel by Tara Flik Wolf: “Oi JK rowling ow about you meet me outside! Hyde park! Lets fucking have it you cunt!” (In 2018, Wolf was convicted of assaulting Maria Maclachlan in Hyde Park in London.)

The demeaning comments are not limited to the blue circle of hell known as Twitter; otherwise reputable news outlets have also adopted the term “TERF.” Mainstream publications insist that this is not a misogynistic insult but a neutral term, an acronym radical feminists invented and applied to themselves. No matter how many times we insist that we consider this term a slur, no matter how many times we see “TERF” joined to “bitch” or “cunt,” we are informed that we have misunderstood, that this term is not intended to demean us. We really do like it, we are told. And a minute later we receive, for the 83rd time, a cartoon image with a gun pointed at us, an anime character threatening, “Shut the fuck up, TERF!”

The mainstream media has also joined in telling Rowling to “STFU.” The Washington Post says it directly in an article titled, “J.K. Rowling’s Transphobia Shows It’s Time To Put Down The Pen.” Molly Roberts informs us that Rowling is flailing; she’s a bigot; she’s even—middle-aged! And therefore obsolete. Other prominent publications have described her tweets and essay as “transphobic” or “anti-trans.” This is eerily reminiscent of how second-wave feminists were described as “man-haters.” In the 1970s, we were said to hate men. Nowadays we are said to hate trans people. Fifty years ago, we learned to speak about our bodies. Nowadays, we learn how not to.

Major advocacy organizations have issued patronizing “reminders,” as if Rowling has forgotten her lines. The Human Rights Campaign laments, “We see JK Rowling is at it again. Helpful reminder: If your feminism isn’t trans-inclusive, then it’s not feminism.” A GIF of Emma Watson as Hermione is included for no extra charge, mocking the author with her own invention.”

“Radcliffe’s statement has been applauded online by people like me: college-educated, feminist, middle-aged American women of the sort formerly known as women. I haven’t seen any of them mention the gleeful dehumanization of Rowling; nor I have I seen any of them object that Radcliffe has remained silent about the abuse, or that it was taking place as he crafted his “response.” While he is not directly responsible for others’ treatment of Rowling, he is responsible for contributing to a hostile climate, and not just among anonymous Twitter trolls.He is responsible for what he does and does not say, and for what he does and does not know (or pretends not to know).”

“The final paragraph of Radcliffe’s statement offers consolation to those who feel betrayed, who feel as though their experience of Rowling’s fiction has been sullied by Rowling’s continued existence. He assures fans that they may still be nourished by—well, by “the books,” “these stories,” and “the book that you read,” despite “these comments.” He doesn’t say whose books, whose stories, or whose comments.

The explicitly violent tweets and the contemptuous journalistic dismissals are unsettling enough on their own, and it’s troubling to think that Radcliffe’s failure even to address the matters at hand may have amplified them. But here he moves from omission to erasure. Whereas he began his statement by focusing on Rowling’s name and not her ideas, now he appropriates her ideas while refusing to utter her name. This final negation is pernicious in its own way. Radcliffe opened his statement with an acknowledgment of J.K. Rowling’s influence on his life, but just a few paragraphs later, he seems to have forgotten that he played Harry Potter in the movies based on the books rather than inventing Harry himself. At the same moment when Rowling is being “cancelled” by those who loved her books, as her former fans and even major publications demand that she surrender her agency and autonomy, Radcliffe steps in and arrogates the right to speak for “these stories.” He assures his base that they may still find meaning and solace in the books, despite the mortal sins committed by—She Whose Name Must Be Erased From The Covers Of Her Own Books. Chillingly, Radcliffe assures his readers that “nobody can touch” their experience of the books, implying that the unnamed, erased author has been purged entirely. How magnanimous of him. How inclusive.”

“I haven’t seen any complaint that Radcliffe fails to mention the trans men and nonbinary people who menstruate, or that he pretends not to know Rowling has already been fending off verbal attacks for years, or that he erases her name as he refers to “the books.” 

“Daniel Radcliffe seems to have forgotten Harry Potter began as an idea in J.K. Rowling’s head. But he wants “women” to be an idea in his own.

For all its popular appeal and re-postings, “Daniel Radcliffe Responds” does not respond to what J.K. Rowling expressed, and much is communicated by what he did not say. Radcliffe did not acknowledge the terminological issue or the content of what Rowling said about it. He did not mention the “people who” are affected by the issue or even credit Rowling as an author of “these stories.” Nor did the thirty-year-old honor Rowling as an elder who carries significant wisdom and experience—and who just might know something he doesn’t about the word “woman” or the practice of menstruation. He expressed fervent opinions about who counts as a woman, but didn’t show respect for this woman. Perhaps it is Daniel Radcliffe, not J.K. Rowling, who should “put down the pen.”

[mortifyingideal]

PLEASE TELL US ALL ABOUT CROWLEY DRINKING RESPECT AZIRAPHALE JUICE (both the WIP and just, like, as a theme in general)

oh HELLO this is one of my favourite ones

so @indieninja92 wrote a little fic that didn’t get much attention tbh, i think maybe a few people read it? i can never remember the title, i always just called it G is for Grindr like it’s a fuckin Sesame Street episode, ANYWAY

as the fic was ongoing more and more people in the comments section (which is a place i am known to skulk around) were asking about a Crowley POV of the events going on in the fic. indie never had plans to write any of it through the eyes of one completely legless demon, and said as much, and then i basically ran up to them (virtually) and screamed DIBS!!! in their face so hard that i popped three blood vessels

SO short answer: the WIP is, as it currently stands, some key and not-so-key moments from the horniest Sesame Street episode ever as retold by one Anthony J Crowley (esquire)

the SLIGHTLY LESS SHORT ANSWER is that Crowley does, in fact, drink his respect Aziraphale juice every day of his life. this was inspired by a conversation between me and indie where we were talking about Aziraphale’s motivations & emotions during the fic and how I believe (and so do they) that no matter what, Crowley and Aziraphale are friends first and foremost and that friendship is the MOST important. it means that they are both chugging their respect juice on the DAILY and any miscommunications that come about due to Effort Nonsense and People Putting Their Fingers Into Other People’s Mouths (And More) is not something that one would pitch a shitfit over and potentially wreck something that is so old it is both sturdy and precious at the same time. 

if you’re essentially two eternal leads in a Shakespearian romcom you can’t be getting het up about every little “you have some moral in this benedictus? ):<” along the way, and then that makes the effects of the juice all the more potent when one realises that the other really IS upset over something important and needs to be given space to breathe and move within that upset, and not immediately leap in and make demands. friendship, y’all. it’s fucking GOOD SHIT.

this is not strictly limited to Gen3 You Know Aziraphale Like THE BIBLE THE BOOK THAT YOU ARE IN or any of indie’s other fics but is a universal constant in the world of GO, but also does very specifically relate to G is for God Indie We Get It You Listened To Fall Out Boy As a Teen. 

Aziraphale in that fic has autonomy, and is Going Through Some Shit, and reacts to things based on Aforementioned Shit and GUESS WHAT. CROWLEY TAKES A STEP BACK, LEAVES WHEN HE IS ASKED, AND RESPECTS THAT BECAUSE

A) THEY ARE FRIENDS WHO LOVE EACH OTHER ANYWAY NO MATTER HOW THAT LOVE IS SHAPED AND THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT

AND 

B) HE DRINKS HIS JUIIIIIIIICE.

the juice is delicious, and it tastes like piña colada. 

[rotationalsymmetry]

Statement of ideology re: abortion (for what it’s worth):

Hard core pro-choice here.

Abortions should be legal, free, and unstigmatized, and they should happen however often they happen. Minors should not need parental permission of any sort. (Like…it’s generally a good idea for teens to talk to their parents, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to force teens to tell their parents.) No waiting periods, no late term abortion bans, no mandatory vaginal ultrasounds, none of that.

Contraception should be free, and available without a prescription. A wide variety of forms of contraception should be available, including specifically more penis-haver focused contraception. Information about contraception should be widely available and easy to understand. (And taught in schools ffs.)

Talking about sex should be normalized. Differences in sexual preferences should be normalized — in particular the idea that a woman who’s interested in any sexual contact with a man is interested in PIV sex with him needs to die in a fire.

Something something consent culture environment supportive of sexual assault/abuse survivors something something.

And, on the flip side, women and girls who want to keep the pregnancy — or who want to get pregnant on purpose — should be able to and should get all the support they need for that to be a viable option, period. (Yeah, not exactly where we are now.) And no stigma against those who become mothers really young. (Hang on, that was really gender essentialist, I also mean trans folks with uteruses. People with uteruses. Parents.) Sometimes people want to be a parent at disconcertingly young ages, or would rather do that than get an abortion, and that’s a bodily autonomy issue too. And “shit, me and my baby will be homeless if I don’t get an abortion” is just as much coercion as not being allowed to get an abortion. “Teenage pregnancy” is only a problem to the extent the teenager sees it as a problem.

(Abortion is usually not “an option” so much as “the only viable option, in practice”, which means most of the time “pro choice” is pro abortion — true reproductive freedom means abortion is a viable choice and having a child is a viable choice.)

(Sure, adoption is an option, it’s also a stunningly unpopular option. There’s something about going through pregnancy and childbirth and not having a child afterwards to mitigate the unpleasantness, that is just phenomenally unappealing to most people. Shocking, I know.) (But yeah, sure, that should be an option too, and open adoption on the birth parent’s terms should be an option for all those that want that.)

(And…I’m generally not very sympathetic to the MRA “financial abortion” (men shouldn’t have to pay child support if rye don’t wanna) concept just because, like objections to tipping, not doing that while keeping everything else the same means someone’s going to get screwed over badly. But ideally? Yeah, biological parentage should not automatically mean financial responsibility for a child, ideally; ideally this is a community support situation not an “each family for themselves” one.)

Likewise: trans people need to get their gender recognized without having to get sterilized; disabled people who want to be parents have as much a right as non-disabled people; and this thing where some women can’t get a hysterectomy that they want while others get sterilized against their will is …there aren’t words.

Anyways, we’re not going to be there any time soon, but in the meantime: an egg isn’t a chicken, an acorn isn’t an oak tree, and a fetus isn’t a child. Abortion is fine. There is morally nothing wrong with it. It’s just miscarriage on purpose. That’s all.

The moral issue comes with denying people the right of what to do with their own bodies and lives. (And since most people who get pregnant are women, and since there’s a fuckton of ways an unwanted pregnancy can fuck your life up, this is hella a feminist issue.)

And that’s not at all incompatible with understanding that when a person with a wanted pregnancy loses the pregnancy, that can be an unspeakable tragedy. Pregnancy has different meanings in different contexts; sometimes it’s a heart’s true desire and sometimes it’s a worst nightmare.

There is a thing about the issue of abortion that brings out the liar in so many people. Some truths: there doesn’t have to be a clear line at either conception or birth, the change between not-person and person can be a gradual thing with no unambiguous “this is a heap” point. Truth: a lot (maybe most? Don’t have the numbers offhand) of abortions are sought by women who are already mothers. It’s not some “irresponsible” young woman only thing. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape. Truth: late term abortion is fundamentally not the same thing as first trimester abortion; first trimester (normal) abortion is usually about not wanting a full pregnancy/child; late term abortion is usually when the pregnancy was wanted but something went horribly wrong and there is not going to be a living child at the end of the process no matter what. (Also: “partial birth abortion” isn’t a medical term and the ban didn’t stop abortions it just changed how they happened and interfered with parents’ ability to mourn a wanted but dead child. Sorry. But I think it’s important to point this out.) Truth: most pregnancies aren’t viable and miscarriage due to severe health shit happens all the time. (This might not seem like it is related to abortion, but to my way of thinking abortion can only be “murder” if miscarriage is the loss of a child, and realistically most miscarriages are not responded to that way, and many aren’t even noticed.)

Truth: laws are a sledgehammer and many people who think abortion should be illegal in general do actually get abortions themselves or help a loved one get abortion for the exact same reasons as everyone else, like “I’m too young and it would derail my life plans.” Not everyone who’s against abortion I’m sure. But also, not everyone who’s personally against abortion thinks it should be illegal. Truth: thinking something is bad and thinking it should be illegal are different things. I don’t really expect that to be compelling to someone who thinks abortion is bad, since I’ve already said I don’t think it is. But it’s an internally consistent position many people have.

Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives. Truth: abortion sometimes saves lives when determining there was a threat to life would have been incredibly difficult or unlikely. Truth: you can get pregnant from rape, and an abortion ban with a rape exception is either going to get a ton of people lying about being raped when they weren’t, or a ton of people who were raped but can’t get an abortion because they can’t prove it, or both. Truth: there are people who go to an abortion clinic who haven’t been to a doctor for any other reason in years and won’t go again for years.

Truth: some people who get an abortion regret it, and many others feel mostly relief or not much of anything.

Truth: from a health perspective, carrying a child to term even under the best of circumstances is far more risky than getting an abortion.

Truth: you can be a moral person and also get an abortion.

(Opinion: for people with uteruses who date people who could get them pregnant, especially who date cishet guys: you have to be on the same page about abortion on a personal level. If you’re not sure which way you’d go that means you need to only be (in a relationship with) people who think it’s your call and they will back you no matter what. Guys who have the capacity to get someone pregnant and who don’t believe in abortion ethically need to wait for sex until they and their partner are ready to have a child. That’s the only ethically consistent stance. A dude who says he’s against abortion but wants sex right away is the worst kind of shitbag and completely unfuckable.)

Anyways. Be well.

If I could talk to my teenage self, I would say: you will think about it, you will decide abortion is morally neutral, and you will be really pissed off that you were surrounded by “pro-choice” people who never just sat down and told you how they came to the conclusion that abortion was morally OK. I would say: most adults don’t actually care that much about what children are told, they think they’re too busy to worry about that, so there are vitally important things about the world that no one has told you for political reasons, because there are vicious hateful people who will fight like vipers to keep you from being told those things and the adults who would have told you weren’t willing to have that fight. This is not fair or right. But it doesn’t mean there was nothing to say. It just means there are vipers.

And yeah, you’ll still be pissed at the idea that if you’d gotten pregnant as a teen or young adult, you wouldn’t have actually gotten a choice. Fucking hypocrites.

There’s more than one way to deny people their reproductive rights.

[containsxmultitudes]

SPN Questionnaire

Tagged by: No one, I stole it! Tagging: Steal it you heathens.

1. When did you start watching Supernatural?

Great question. I think about a year before I made Nick’s blog. And Nick’s blog is roughly 8 years old now. So I guess when I was about 16? I watched it because a friend from facebook RP played either Dean or Cas, I don’t remember which. And all I knew was that I wanted to understand. So I started watching it. And at the time I really fucking liked it. 

2. Who is your favorite in TFW?

Hands down the answer is Sam Fucking Winchester. I love his character. Cas is a very close second. But Sam has my heart. It’s what it is.

3. Who is your least favorite in TFW?

Dean. That’s too easy for me to answer. It’s not that I hate Dean, because I don’t. But I’m very critical of his character past like season 7. And even season 7 is on thin fucking ice.

4. Tag your top 5 Supernatural blogs

@sunsymbols (listen, I think at this point Marci has to know I’m slightly platonically in love. And if Marci doesn’t know that, well what up. Now u do. <3) @heavensuffered (I haven’t RP’d with this person as of yet, but I truly love seeing them on my dash, and their interactions from various blogs of theirs that I follow. One day I’ll get the nerve to try to interact with ‘em.) @siilverbulleted (Bandit counts as a supernatural character right? Because too bad I’m counting them. I love Bandit, I love Mimikyu. 10/10 quality OC and person.) @compatiissante (Technically Maya is fandomless, but they do interact with SPN blogs enough that I’m still fuckin’ counting it. Salem is lovely, Maya is lovely. Also a 10/10 quality OC and person.) @soxgetxthis​ (Sam mun, and Sam muse. Double Sam. Wonderful as hell. I love. I stan. Chef’s kiss. I’m so glad to know them!)

Bonus:

@bevvitching​ (Honestly what a lovely OC, and a lovely person. I love Katie’s character. Brilliant. Sassy. Cute. Yes. Also mun is a nice fucking person.)

5. Who is your favorite character (not including TFW)?

Claire, Ruby, or Eileen. 

6. Who is your favorite woman in Supernatural?

Claire, Ruby, or Eileen.

7. John or Mary?

Mary. She is flawed for sure. But she tried to leave the life and do the best she could before getting killed. And I don’t know much about when she came back in the later seasons, but I genuinely believe that she would have had to be super disoriented and unsure what to be doing. So whatever choices she made make sense enough to me to be forgivable. John is complicated.

8. What were your first opinions of Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack?

Sam: My first impression was that I really liked him. I thought he was hilarious. My current impression is that I’d die for him, personally. I would go to bat for that boy instantly even though he’s a fictional character lmao.

Dean: Similar first impression as Sam. I think I had a more immediate connection to Dean specifically because I was one of those dumb asses who read a lot of destiel despite not having watched the show yet lol. So I had that going for me. The current impression of him is extremely different. Like a full 180 switch of how I feel about Dean.

Cas: Another one of those things where I was biased because of reading fic lmaooooo. But I still like him now. I think he’s a beautifully done character.

Jack: So admittedly Jack’s character became a thing a few years after I’d stopped watching SPN. But based on anything I know of him, I do think he’s a sweet little bean.

9. What’s your favorite season?

Honestly don’t know. But favorite set of seasons would be 1-5. With 6-parts of 8 as a second.

10. What’s your least favorite season?

Anything from season 9 onward can eat me.

11. Opinions on Destiel?

So I came to this fandom because of RP and because of Destiel fic. So I’m not against a good destiel fic. However, because of my changed, critical views, of Dean... Destiel isn’t something I’d want for Castiel. I think Cas deserves more than someone who’s going to treat him like ass. And I do think Dean treats him like ass. I don’t care if Dean cried over his trenchcoat, and I don’t care that he went to purgatory and looked for him. Because at the end of the day? Dean does not treat Castiel very well for being friends with him. Dean needs to work on himself first.

Now Sastiel,,,,

12. Do you believe Supernatural queerbaits?

I 100% do believe Supernatural queerbaited. Part of that is showrunners. Part of it is the actors, actually. Who would in the past claim things, or tweet things... and it would get hopes up. So yes. I think Supernatural queerbaited. They knew what fans thought, and acknowledged it. And then continued to put in content that would read like something was going to happen but didn’t.

Also multiple instances of bury your gays: Charlie? Kaia? Cas? It doesn’t matter whether or not Dean returned those feelings, it really doesn’t. But Cas was an unquestionably queer character and they had him die for his unrequited love of Dean. 

So yes. They queerbaited.

13. Seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

1-7, without even a second thought.

14. Favorite villain (plot wise)?

Either Azazel. (Who was a baller villain. Spooky fucker). Or season 5 Lucifer, surprisingly. But like,,,, only season 5 Lucifer. Other seasons Lucifer was a No From Me Dawg. He was written so well that he literally had some of the audience believing he was the one who was wronged. He had the audience believing he was the most considerate angel. The one who wanted “real consent” (spoiler alert: he didn’t.) And I think that was interesting.

15. Do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line?

They should have left Lucifer in the cage after season 5, haha. 

16. Who do you think has gone through more trauma (Sam, Dean, or Cas)?

Sam, easily. Sam’s traumas started even before he was fucking born, y’all. Like what? No consent from day one? Baby sam getting demon blood? Nice. Sam getting possessed by Meg? Getting shit on by John and sometimes Dean? Losing Jess the same way he lost his mom? All the monster hunting? Years in hell with The Literal Devil? Forced to deal with his brother dying in that loop with Gabriel. Point or no point, Gabriel still did that shit. And I can’t imagine anything other than it being a trauma point. And I love Gabriel. Getting romantically roofied by Becky? And with a horrific implication when he becomes aware and is like, “where are my pants?” as if that’s supposed to be a funny joke?

Soulless Sam was actually more than a little bit tragic even if you put aside the fact his soul was in hell for about five seconds. Because he wanted to be there, and was kind of upset, in his own way, that people preferred Sam with a soul. Even though he was there and never asked to be soulless.

Then there’s the arc of Sam going through the trials. And admitting at the end that he feels unclean, and terrible because he just didn’t want to let anyone down.

FOLLOWED BY DEAN MAKING HIM APOLOGIZE FOR BEING UPSET THAT HIS AUTONOMY WAS TAKEN FROM HIM AGAIN. BY A FUCKING ANGEL. WHO WAS LYING. WHICH HE ALREADY HAS TRAUMA FROM. BECAUSE DEAN COULDN’T HANDLE BEING ALONE!

Endless Lucifer retraumatization. Endless Dean being an edgelord.

So yeah. It’s Sam.

17. What’s your favorite Supernatural episode?

Honestly the first episode that comes to mind is that one episode where Dean gradually gets more scared of things as the episode goes on. Or the episode where wishes come true, but slightly off, and they have to try and deal with the teddy bear lmao.

18. Do you like case episodes?

Yep!

19. Who do you relate most to in TFW?

You’d be surprised to hear this, as you might assume I’d say Sam because of how much I could talk about him. But it’s actually Cas. I can’t fully explain why. A lot of it is the awkwardness, the difficulties with interacting normally. It’s the sense of just wanting to help people even if sometimes the way things go aren’t completely right. But also I’m gay as shit and probably asexual. And Big Fucking Same on my end.

20. Why do you like Supernatural?

Oh at this point I don’t. I like Supernatural for the RP fandom that I personally associate with lmao. But I liked it before season 8-9 and onward because it was pretty entertaining and yeah.

21. If you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be?

I’d bring back Jo, Kaia, and a more confirmed Eileen. I’d keep Lucifer in the cage for good after season 5 lmao.

[disasterhumans]

I love Jester but I feel like It was a dick move to steal Nott's flask. You want her to quit drinking? Have a discussion !! Besides, alcohol withdrawal can actually cause seizures, hallucinations and even kill people. No idea if Matt will implement any of that but there are risks. I want Nott to stop drinking, or at least drink a healthy amount, but I don't think this is the way to go.

This is one of those things that is hard to declare as unequivocally right or wrong. And this is definitely a situation where good intentions and unintended consequences are likely to meet. But, calling it “a dick move” feels like oversimplifying a situation that’s really complicated. Because 1) it’s a generally well established fact at this point that everyone in the party has difficulty communicating openly and honestly, 2) it’s entirely possible Jester isn’t fully aware of the potential risks of Nott quitting (which certainly doesn’t excuse her behavior, but may very well have influenced her decision), and 3) Jester is clearly very scared for her friend. It’s not at all uncommon for people to make ill-advised decisions when they’re scared (see: Nott). However much Jester is or is not aware of the risks of withdrawal (and she has at least some idea, given her use of Lesser Restoration), in her view that risk is smaller than the risk Nott’s drunken recklessness poses. 

Jester likely thought that attempting to have a conversation would backfire and leave them back at square one. Not starting a conversation with someone as it relates to their own autonomy because you suspect they’re going to give you an answer you don’t want is obviously shitty. But sometimes shitty choices also feel like the only good option. That doesn’t mean they are. But if Jester’s main priority is “keep Nott alive” and the only way she can think to do that is by taking away her flask at any cost, then her thought process and actions here make sense, flawed as they are.

Of course, she miscalculated—Jester didn’t stop to think about the fact that Nott’s anxiety in response to losing her coping mechanism would result in her recklessness increasing (”she’s not even drunk!” Jester cries in distress as Nott rushes forward without bothering to stealth). At the same time, that very oversight may now prompt Jester to sit Nott down and talk to her about her drinking. Jester’s decision certainly ended up forcing the issue out into an open topic of discussion with the whole group—and made clear just how many people in the party are actively enabling Nott. Both Jester’s and Caleb’s reactions to Nott’s drinking are worrying. Jester assumes that the way to handle the situation is by taking control, Caleb’s is to try to immediately give Nott what she “needs” as he’s been doing since day one.

No one is handling this well, is what I’m saying. Everyone in the party is some kind of fucked up. Likely none of them have any actual knowledge about how to help a friends’ substance abuse. None of them are trained for this. So they’re all going to do as people do, and try to help a friend even while potentially fucking up along the way. They’re all just feeling their way though this. 

Maybe I’m reading too much into one specific word choice when you were only worrying about Jester’s decision here, but I shy away from baldly labeling the action as “dickish” without acknowledging how hard it is to know what the right thing to do even is in a situation like this.

[flying-elliska]

I finally finished Call Down the Hawk ! Here’s my first reaction (very spoilery!!!!) 

- On the whole I loved it. Loved most of the new characters, the themes, the more grown up vibe and the expanding worldbuilding. Is very clearly a set up, opening novel so a bit frustrating in the pacing but nothing major, just a lot more questions than answers. I just felt like it was still the start of the novel, rising tension and then boom ! the end. Had the same feeling with the Raven Boys tbh. But mostly I didn’t want it to end so soon. 

- this book is so sad ? but sad in a nuanced, gotta cope with it, adult sort of way. Like TRC was about a cool adventure quest, of course there were threats but it was full of magic and friendship and the thrill of becoming yourself and wanting *something more.*This is about stopping the end of the world and people having no good options and I can’t think of one main character in this book that isn’t like...subtly devastating. But it’s sad in a way that centers the agency of the protagonists and how much they care and how hard they’re trying, so it doesn’t feel fatalistic or gloomy. It’s just *arrrrrgh my heart*. They’re all trying so hard to cope but if they don’t find a better way to cope with their problems soon it’s going to kill them. Lol the young adult mood nowadays or what. 

- Ronan broke my heart, really. I loved that on one hand there are clear signs that he’s grown so much - he is able to show tenderness, to be open about his sexuality, he’s taken control of his dreaming to a point where he’s capable to help Hennessy - but at the same time he’s clearly depressed and he doesn’t know his place in the world and feels like everyone is moving on without him. Because the implications of his powers make it impossible for him to live a ‘normal’ life. Surviving your teenage years and self-acceptance is only the beginning ; then you have to deal with a world that isn’t made for you. He needs to find his people. This is just so, so relatable for a neuroatypical twenty-something...feels like a punch in the face. I am sooooo happy he found Hennessy and I can’t wait to see where their relationship goes. Worried about Bryde and how easily he could manipulate Ronan, though. Also, I am interested in the new sun symbolism attached to him - the kid permanently dressed in black with his ‘night horrors’ previously - now he’s making little lights/little suns everywhere in the guise of fireflies or floating flowers or little lights ; he has sundogs and a sun blade. Obviously there could be a link to the fire that is slated to destroy the world (and Kavinsky’s fire dragon !!!!) but it can also very much go in the direction of ‘stepping into the light’ and full life giving potential and sun-drenched tomatoes and happiness. MAN his arc in this trilogy is going to rock so hard i just cannot wait. 

- I just love Hennessy and her girls so, so much. The idea of living with clones of yourself is so fascinating to me...the fact that Hennessy struggles with the similarities with her mother, the artist who killed herself, and how caring for the girls seems to be a substitute for caring for herself, which she can’t manage. That scene in the bathroom...heartbreaking. Like can you imagine not being able to sleep for longer than 20 min ? That’s torture. Nod her relationship with Jordan, so complex. This idea of ‘my parallel universe self can live a better life than me if I keep all the self-hate’ ; of dreaming a better version of yourself. They care for each other so much but there is so much resentment being trapped in that state of being too. I wonder why Hennessy dreamed copies instead of something else : out of a need to be less alone with her plight ? To find others like her ? Or is it a darker ‘take her not me’ way to hide ? The fact that she gets a moon sword in the end (the moon being a reflection of the sun duh) makes this symbolism all the more present. Maybe she had this struggle of feeling like a copy of her mother, beautiful and wild and doomed and codependent on the man she loved. I can’t wait to see where this goes. I was just heartbroken that most of the girls had to die. Plus some bi rep yayyyyy (and more characters that are not white dudes ftw). It’s interesting that the Lace picked her specifically to torment ; I can’t help but feel it’s tied to that unsteady sense of self. Anyway, I really hope Hennessy gets to a place of love and self knowledge and self care and being surrounded by people who love her. I feel like her POV really underlines how tiring it can be to doubt yourself so constantly. 

- Declan Lynch ! Wow, I just love love love a POV switch that shows unsuspected depths about a previously disliked character. His arc is really *eldest sibling plight* taken to the extreme. Being boring for survival because you can’t afford to be a problem. Yup, extremely relatable too. It’s very refreshing because a lot of the MC of TRC have this ‘edgy cool we don’t like rules vibes’ which can come over as very immature (i meah duh they’re teens) and Declan had to grow up too fast and his sticking to the rules and trying to impose structure on Ronan’s life and completely draining his own life of any sense of joy or individuality, feels half like a survival technique half trauma response stemming from the terror of being given responsibilities at way too young an age and coping with the chaotic environment he grew up in and the constant threat of discovery. It’s like, textbook ‘child parentalization’ and it really sucks and Niall Lynch is an incredible asshole. And Ronan is pretty much stuck in father worship mode and turning all his anger towards Declan. The growth there...is going to be super therapeutic. And I love his thing with Jordan. Survival makes it impossible for them to be their true selves but they find something true together ? Aww. I can’t wait for them to be together at the Barns, which is really Romance Central in this universe. (I foresee angst too but ehhhh). And more art flirting and museum dates. 

- I also love how dream beings are getting more autonomy in this book. I think Declan distancing himself from Jordan in the end is this old complex about being non-magical and therefore inferior, but also because he doesn’t consider dreams to be real people capable of consent or interiority. I found the idea of Aurora Lynch always extraordinarily fucked up and in this book we learn it’s even worse - that she was basically a copy of Declan’s real mom ? Imagine growing up with that...no wonder he hates Niall. Though the idea of Mor O Corra doing the same thing is really intriguing, makes you wonder what the fuck happened there (was it a mutual decision ? was it a revenge thing ? Man their whole family is just so messed up lmao. But I just love the idea of Boudicca and the magical lady mob though.) And Matthew learning he is a dream and starting to deviating from his ‘happy but kind of dumb’ behavior in the previous books. He’s always been this previsible creature but now he isn’t and I feel like a big difference between him and Jordan was this knowledge. She has this knowledge of what she is and she immediately has more sense of self and agency and I feel that that’s a key theme of the book - knowledge, self knowledge. It’s basically what the ‘Call Down the Hawk’ title links to - Bryde talking about the man who turned into a falcon and then a hawk and learning so much about the world ; calling down the hawk would mean the man coming down and sharing this knowledge ; for Ronan it’s as well meeting and helping Hennessy ; so it’s about knowing your own nature through meeting people who are like you, as well. I love !!!!!

- Adam ! Not enough Adam in this book. I spent the book missing him, but that makes sense, because that’s the mindset Ronan is in. He represents what Ronan can’t have, and the Longing tm just permeates the whole book. Everytime he appears he’s just the epitome of cool, whether as dark academia vibes Harvard Student with his queer clique the Crying Club or Hot Motorcycle Boyfriend. He knows exactly what Ronan needs - understands his distrust when Ronan wonders if this is the Real Adam, tells him ‘go slow’ instead of just don’t, wants to take a look at Bryde to check the dude out, drives eight fucking hours on a motorcycle he can’t even drive properly to spend three hours with Ronan...he’s just like a dreamboat in this one lmao and after all the shit he went through in TRC...Therapeutic. But he is also increasingly distant and it’s so painful in a delicious way - the longing between characters who are already together but who are being kept apart by life is one of my fave angst tropes ever. Ronan wants to grow old with him and has romantic horny farmer dreams about him and the whole ‘tamquam alter idem’ thing...Boi i die that shit is just so...Romance tm. And I love how true to them it is, they’re achingly tender and yet there is still that strong chaotic shithead vibe between the two of them. Honestly the fight with the murder crabs was fucked up but made me laugh so much too. But then Ronan not being able to stay ? HEARTBREAKING. Ronan having Adam under ‘MANAGEMENT’ in his phone...really fucking funny but also feels like Ronan puts a sense of stability and direction in Adam and now that Adam is so distant...he feels extra vulnerable so he compensates with jokes. Ouch. Anyway I really want more about Adam and the Crying Club. Adam’s mix of cold, calculating pragmatism and compassion and understanding ? I love him so much, damn. I hope he’s a POV character in next book. I can see Ronan disappearing with Bryde and Adam looking for him, tbh. He’s too important to Ronan to stay on the periphery forever I hope. 

- the Carmen Farooq-Lane chapters were my least favorite, especially when she’s with Parsifal - it felt kind of repetitive. I feel like Maggie’s villain chapters are often sort of a weak point - the bad guys tend to be either ‘Vague Ominous Cosmic Horror Entity that wants to Destroy Everything’ (also often a terrifying reflection of mental health issues/existential terror) or ‘Evil Prep’ lmao, and I had the same feeling w the Whelk or Greenmantle chapters in TRC. That said, I feel like Farooq-Lane has potential. Her persistent self delusion about how she’s the good guy is fascinating. Her ‘evil sibling, obvious trauma hidden by politeness and cleanliness, probably is going to have a redemption arc’ thing feels very Gray Man. Her punching Ramsay moment was very ‘hell yeah’ and tbh I already ship her with Liliana - who feels a bit underdrawn at the moment too, but interesting potential. The Moderators, still, feel a bit too ‘generic lawful evil agency’ yet, but the concept is interesting. I really really love Bryde as an idea though. His speeches to Ronan are fascinating ; from one aspect they really illustrate a fascinating concept of the Earth coming back to real magic but from another, he sounds like a cult leader. Selling this idea to vulnerable people that their difference makes them special - and well Ronan and Hennessy definitely are, but does that make them better than other people ? Seen as how Ronan reacts to Declan, it feels like he would be vulnerable to that idea. Hennessy not so much ; I can see her accept Bryde’s help out of pure necessity maybe, but not be swayed by his lies. I really feel like they’re going to need each other. 

- So much cool worldbuilding...The Fairy Market concept is amazing (but also scary as shit right...like they’re selling people ? Probably dreams but that is still fucked up as hell ? Then again we’ve seen dreams die in pretty casual circumstances so the question is very much ‘so...what is personhood here?’). The idea of Visionaries is absolutely horrifying. Some people saying Adam could become one ? My god I’m not sure if I could stand those levels of angst. His ‘seeing the future of the world instead of people’ thing though...feels very compatible. Or at least like Adam could contrebalance the Visionaries’s visions somehow at the very least. Anyway, this is going to hurt. But it’s cool to have more answers ; the ending of TRC left a lot unexplained in my mind about the Lynch fam or why all those people wanted the Greywaren so bad etc. So this is very satisfying. 

- So Miss Maggie really went wanting to be normal at the expense of your true self is no way to live and also if you don’t create what you need to, you're going to die ? haha thanks for the callout i feel attacked. But honestly her saying that this was about the necessity and price of creation man I am soooo interested in where this is going to go next. All in all a stellar book, 10/10 would read again to overanalyze (yeah more than this even), most frustrating thing is waiting for the next one