#lost as in i cannot fucking find them
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I've lost my wallet and my antidepressants i hate summer
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#☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⸺ behind the scenes. ⊰ ooc ⊱#me thinking about everything with hsr yaya when he's a mourning actor#the loss of his mom and gallagher and misha and how he leaves penacony to grieve among the stars#how his songs have gone from something festive and cheery and fun to melancholic and grieving#how he sings and sings and sings until his voice goes raw and he loses it. only to repeat this whenever his voice recovers#but it's never the same as it used to be anymore due to how much he's damaged his vocal cords#how he fucking HATES the nameless & acheron. how he trusted lumine with his whole heart.#how he told her about his mother and her being a self-annihilator and the dream is basically her hospice.#only for him to lose her forever. how albedo reaches out to kaeya as a memokeeper. tries to be there for him while recording memories.#but yaya is just so jaded and numbed. he's tired. he's lost so much. he can't lose more if he keeps himself away.#he doesn't care if everything was for the greater good. what good *is* the greater good if he cannot keep someone for once.#and then i think about yaya and haitham. because holy shit ven has filled me with brainworms on their potential dynamic.#how haitham & yaya understand each other more than anyone else. how yaya is able to navigate convos with haitham just fine#and even finds him to be hilarious with his humor even if most people dont get it. dont get haitham.#how haitham can see yaya's masks and his different smiles. his different personas.#how haitham would know khaenriahn and would speak it with yaya and how much it devastates yaya in the best way.#how they send each other little gifts. how they sign off their letters to each other.#how they think of each other in their day-to-day lives#how *liberated* they both feel being near someone who understands them while also being afraid of being known#i just. im IN MY FEELINGS#IM GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM
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Tag drop: Dorian Pavus
#dorian pavus. [ he says we're alike. too much pride. once i would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. now I'm not certain. ]#dorian pavus: ic. [ you find joy in it not shame. it shows. / why be ashamed? power should be respected. not swept under the carpet. ]#dorian pavus: inquiries. [ stop talking like you're waiting for applause. / what? there's no applause? ]#dorian pavus: countenance. [ i'm here to set things right. also? to look dashing. that part's less difficult. ]#dorian pavus: introspection. [ selfish i suppose. not to want to spend my entire life screaming on the inside. ]#dorian pavus: meta. [ you inspired me with your marvelous antics. you’re shaping the world. how could i aspire to do any less? ]#dorian pavus: little notes. [ living a lie. it festers inside you like poison. you have to fight for what’s in your heart. ]#dorian pavus: etc. [ you can't call me pampered. nobody's peeled a grape for me in weeks. ]#dorian pavus: magic. [ don't your spells whisper things to you? what is and could be? music in the mind of strange faraway places? ]#dorian pavus: inquisition. [ we're going to get lost and starve to death. aren't we? a glorious end for the inquisition. ]#dorian pavus: tevinter. [ despite appearances. we care deeply. about everything. we have no reserve. not in war and not in love. ]#dorian pavus: felix. [ even in illness he was the best of us. with him around you knew things could be better. ]#dorian pavus: gereon. [ we used to talk about how we could make real change in the imperium. then he gave up. he stopped trying. ]#dorian pavus: halward. [ i only wanted what was best for you. / no. you wanted the best for you. your fucking legacy. ]#dorian pavus: aquinea. [ her blame was cold and smothering. never spoken but always present. he couldn't face that. not yet. ]#dorian pavus: inquisitor. [ you have too many people asking you for everything under the sun. i won't be one of them. ]#dorian pavus: solas. [ you startled me. you're always so... nondescript. / please speak up. i cannot hear you over your outfit. ]#dorian pavus: varric. [ what do you think sparkler? ten royals says the next thing we run into farts fire. / taken i win either way. ]#dorian pavus: cullen. [ gloat all you like. i have this one. / are you sassing me commander? i didn't know you had it in you. ]#dorian pavus: cassandra. [ blue scarf? why would i be wearing such a thing? / It's a painting. work with me. it'll be fantastic. ]#dorian pavus: cole. [ you say you're handsome all the time. am i? i can't tell. / you're all right. might want to rethink the hats. ]#dorian pavus: vivienne. [ i received a letter the other day dorian. / truly? it's nice to know you have friends. ]#dorian pavus: blackwall. [ point is. you should let yourself off the hook. i know bad men and you're not one. ]#dorian pavus: sera. [ you magic me: i'll put three arrows in your eye. / now we can live together in peace and harmony. ]#dorian pavus: bull. [ no qunari would accept a tevinter mage unless it was a ruse. when should i expect a knife in the back? ]#dorian pavus: corypheus. [ one of yours? / one of mine? like a pet? a giant darkspawn hamster with aspirations of godhood? ]
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known we were a system for about 7 years now, probably been a system for far longer, and just realised. we got an intrusive self-fakeclaiming thought today and laughed it away
#it does get better it does get easier eventually you will not fear being wrong or out of place#the thought felt like it just rolled away like a little creek washing over stones#it used to be a tsunami size wave that would throw us around and leave us feeling like we're not fitting in or even in the right place#and now we're just. solid and sturdy and the water's calmed to a tiny trickle#this is the first self-fakeclaiming thought we've had in i think months#and honestly probably only brought on by very new system members not being used to being alone in front#(it's rare for us. we're almost always cofronting. but sometimes it happens and it's so jarring)#rejecting the idea that we could possibly be faking this gives us this massive sense of wholeness like. this is who we are. and it's right#it feels right it feels like. we're real again. we're healing and able to learn. we're doing better. we feel whole like this#sharing this body with a million others will only ever bring us joy this is home this is love this is healing this is right#i love being plural#i love having a system#i love my headmates#we're so so close to hitting our real milestone of being functionally multiple#our challenge kinda. the goal we have to say Yes we feel we have functional multiplicity now#is to just. be able to connect all the sidesystems and have dormant people come back now and then and recover lost headmates#(TOBY WE *WILL* FIND YOU EVENTUALLY)#and it's starting! we've discovered people from BEFORE the syscovery we've brought back Blank and Ro multiple times#we talked to Bee once!!!! Bee literally hasn't fronted since fucking 2020!!! AND BEATRICE CAME BACK AND SHE'S TALL NOW??#and Siren came back!!!!!!! he was so so so fucking scared of falling out of the front rotation bc he thought he'd be lost forever but!!!!!#system wise i cannot believe how far we've come EVERYONE can feel the difference Ro and Blank get shocked by how much more cohesive we are#they were used to a constantly terrified proxy host and gatekeepers that loved to section stuff off and no communication#now it's like walking into a real place for them. they aren't used to headspace being this solid#when we started out WE DIDN'T HAVE ONE we had to manually build it and it took so long and so much focus#now it's as easy as closing our eyes#god i fucking love this im so happy right now
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I need this bloodwork thing to be done already I CANNOT keep stressing about this
#lost the fucking papers for my orders I may be Checking Out my friends#(im joking)#seriously though WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY??? i never fucking move shit. i put them literally within grabbing range of where i wake up#WHERE DID THEY FUCKING GO????#i found one of the papers that I received with the orders. but not the fucking orders. what the fuck!!!???#this is. too much for me. so early in the morning. Too Much#ik i can get them faxed or something but this is too much medical adult shit for me today. i Cannot. why do I have to do all this?#can someone else handle this shit please? i just want it to be over with 😭#I DIDNT EVEN NEED TO SCHEDULE THE BLOODWORK! THEY TOLD ME I COULD'VE JUST WALKED IN!! AHHHHSCHSCJDHDC#im so tired#jay.txt#(queued july 11th)#queued#i hope this comes out of the queue and i can be like ''oh well that wasn’t so bad!'' but i am not optimistic#i hate needles so much. so so much. and i like my blood in my body where it belongs thank you#im also like genuinely concerned I might be anemic. it would be a very unpleasant time to find out#.... I FORGOT TO ASK IF I SHOULDNT TAKE MY MEDS BEFORE THE BLOODWORK <o> AAAAAAAHHHHHHH#im not calling them back I'll just take them with me and then take them after. I fucking guess. im so not looking forward to this hhh
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just cleaned my house in a fit of rage
#I FUCKING LOST THE PEN FOR MY GRAPHICS TABLET AND NOW I CANT FINISH THE ART I WAS MAKING FOR MY FRIEND#and i see THEM TOMORROW IM LITERALLY SO ANGRY#I HAVe gone into every corner of each room to find this pen and i cannot find it i want to stab and scream#but atleast ive cleaned up a bit. threw out a lot of shit
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Just listened back to a drunk voice note I sent Kofi on Saturday and holy shit you guys nobody told me how bad I lisp when I'm drunk
Literally most of the time the remnants of my childhood lisp are like. a slight softness/buzz on sibilant sounds. In this message it's a full on eth. "That thoundth nithe." there's even like. emphasis on the eth. I sound like a cartoon character. Don't get me wrong it's adorable. wild though. I literally didn't even notice when I was recording it that I was stumbling on the sibilances.
All I can thay is I'm thoooooo lucky that I'm the twin they gave a name containing an eth, not the twin they gave a name beginning with S. "Ruth" is a blessing to a child with a pronounced lisp. "Lisp", by the way, is not.
#red said#hi my name is ruth thedreadvampy and it took me over a decade to learn to speak while keeping my tongue off the back of my teeth#i remember finding it SO FRUSTRATING as a kid. i never had speech therapy cause it was never like. unintelligible. just noticeable.#but i hated it so much i was so embarrassed by it and mum and my siblings would be like JUST KEEP YOUR TONGUE CLEAR OF YOUR TEETH#and i was like I CAN'T THATTH IMPOTHIBLE!!!! WHERE IS IT MEANT TO GO WHERE IT ITHNT CONTACTING MY TEETH????#anyway i largely lost the list by secondary school but it still pops up if I'm drunk or tired or talking too fast#which implies it still requires An Amount of attention to get an S sound out I've just successfully sublimated it#but hahaha it's SO exaggerated in this voice clip i cannot BELIEVE I was fully unaware of it#also. I've just realised. i was this precocious little girl with big round glasses freckles pigtails and an adorable lisp#i was a fucking sitcom child. help. adorably toddling up to adults and telling them solemnly in a soft lisp about emotional health#recontextualising all my memories of interactions as a child around the fact that i was literally the goddamn#schmaltzy Hollywood sentimental image of idealised childhood. you know uhhhh what's her name? in Matilda? the blonde girl with pigtails?#'my mommy says they're cute'? THAT fuckin kinda voice and demeanour and also you are my teacher and I'm 4 and i keep correcting your maths#unbearable.
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It doesn't matter how long I live with ADHD or how many coping mechanisms I have...I *am* going to lose very important things and I *am* going to feel like a dumb little baby whenever that happens and get so frustrated I could cry. Why does my own brain hate me so bad? Do you understand how fucking terrifying it is to just FORGET important things in your life? It's scary and belittling and takes away your own sense of agency and competency every single time...
#adhd#personal#i lost my hanko#which is like. ARGH#i NEED it in order to sell my car#i cannot find it anywhere. it's in NONE of the places where i keep important things#so where did it go??#i ordered a new one online for 3000 yen and i still have to take it to city hall to get it registered#which like. i have fucking work!! it's closed by the time i finish work!#so it'll take me forever to get it replaced and just. i have sooooo many things i have to take care of on my days off i don't have time!!!#like what if. i just could fucking find important things when i need them#it honestly feels like i have a goddamn poltergeist stealing my shit and making me go insane#my own brain is fucking haunted bro#anyway. i am VERY anxious about this. everything i try to do has 100 extra steps
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Feeling just every single kind of horrific now I’m literally living my nightmare and have no where to run anymore
#lost my home my escape from this place and now im forced back into this awful living situation in a horrible town#its taking a physical toll im dizzy my stomach hurts i cant sleep right im sweaty i cant breathe#its just not real like this just cant be real#i can hear them chewing through the walls and i want them to stop but i cant cover my ears cuz then im vulnerable#my curtains are gone everyone is watching me theres spies all over the town the all report to each other#nagging nagging nagging because my god im so incompetent i cant even make a phone call#ive literally procrastinated rescheduling a very important doctor appointment for 2 weeks now cuz i literally cannot remember to do it#if i run away itll be pointless cuz theyll just find me and bring me back here#i would do anything just to cry and sob cuz then id get to feel better but my body wont let me im like emotionally constipated#ive been for who knows how fucking long#my father tells me that i need to overcome my autism and that im just not trying hard enough and that i need to talk to jesus#i dont love anything here i cant be bothered to try#and the ‘support’ i get is just. a cheap way of forcing me in#im gonna explode im seriously so uncomfortable so fed up so terrified so nauseous#its not even a dream this time but maybe it is but maybe it isnt i dont know i just punch the wall but never bleed#i want to breathe but its not working
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man i thought the nero and haellen brainrot was rough. but the ysale and ophelia brainrot is even worse
i just AAAAA
i love them, they're wholesome and i want to just let them cuddle gently
#text#rambles#seriously i just love them as a pair#this damaged and broken wraith of a woman#who has done unspeakable things#and ysayle who's kinda lost after hraesvelgr was like “yo you're not my wife fuck off”#and is kinda just unsure of what to do#being extended a hand of friendship by ophelia who even in her darkest moment#still wants ysayle as a close friend#and then she finds purpose with aiding the scions and joins them eventually#and then this leads to the two of them being romantically interested#and i just cannot stop smashing them together in my mindscape#i love them ;-;
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Everything is so fucking difficult all of the time
#trying to find a tattoo apprenticship is an act of violence#bitches love giving contradictory advice#and getting mad that you followed the Wrong Advice#the other hot tip is to already know someone#which is bad advice because like...... i cannot go into the past. i can only network now.#but everyone keeps saying you gotta already know them or else they wont give you the time of day#or just hang around the shop until you have a repore#which is also garbage because no one can tell me how to start hanging around a shop without being a nuiscance#I'm not about to sit in someones lobby like ''I'm just here to watch''#and i dont have the money to get tattooed on the reg#and i dont have time to hang out because i have a job#and how am i supposed to both ''cast a wide net'' and ''knock on doors'' at the same time as hanging around one particular shop#i hate it i hate it i hate it#every single interview has told me i have an impressive portfolio#and every single one is not looking#meanwhile other bitches keep being like ''just started my apprenticeship!''#and I'm happy for them but also I'm fucking exhausted#you really just have to already know people but all i can do is try to meet them#i hate it#and on the drive home my neighbor called to say she found my lost cat#and i rushed over and it wasnt my cat#i have no money#and am very tired all of the time#how do people afford to just hang out at shops#i have genuinely no clue how to even start that#tattoo apprentice#autobiography
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(just a quick warning for anyone who sees this reblog. I uh. I got carried away yelling in the tags. Know what youre getting into when you hit read more)
So y’all don’t have to keep making new ones
#FOUNTAIN FUCKING PENS YOU GUYS#I LOVE FOUNTAIN PENS.#YOU KNOW? HOW MUCH A PILOT VANISHING POINT COSTS?#YK THE ONE PEN THAT I'M LIKE#FIXATING ON GETTING?#ITS A LOT#ITS LIKE 270 DOLLARS#AND IM A LITTLE CHILD WITHOUT ANY SOURCE OF INCOME!!!!#I ALSO CANNOT FIND ANY CONTEMPORARY MUSIC NIB FOUNTAIN PENS#AND IM A LITTLE IDIOT WHO BROKE THE ORIGINAL NIB ON MY ESTERBROOK J#THEY STOPPED MAKING THOSE IN THE 50S#I FUCKING THINK#FOR ALL THIS INFORMATION#BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN A GOOD FOUNTAIN PEN SPINTEREST#I SUCK AT THIS#IVE BROKEN 3 PENS THAT I DEARLY LOVE IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS#AND ALL OF THEM IN THE SAME FUCKING WAY#AND THAT PRICE ON THE PILOT VANISHING POINT IS PROBABLY WRONG#AND IVE HAD TO CLEAN OUT PENS WHERE THE INK DRIED INSIDE THE FEED BEFORE#ONE OF THE PENS I USE REGULARLY IS STAINED ON THE INSIDE OF THE CAP BECAUSE OF THE INK SPILLING THE FUCK OUT INSIDE IT#I ONLY HAVE 2 NAME BRAND INKS AND 1 I USED HALF OF TO DYE SOMETHING AND THE OTHER IS IN MY LOCKER AT SCHOOL#IM SO FUCKING BAD AT PENS YOU GUYS#I LOVE THEM SO MUCH#I LOVE WRITING WITH A GOOD PEN BUT I CAN'T FUCKING CLEAN THEM OR ANYTHING#I LOST PARTS TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE PENS OF ALL TIME#I BROKE MY ESTERBROOK J#MY NOW GIRLFRIEND ONLY SPOKE TO ME THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE ONE OF HER HEADMATES (she did not exist yet) SAW 'ME' (neither did I) USING#ONE OF THE PENS WHOSE NIB I FUCKED UP#IT STILL WRITES BECAUSE THAT PEN IS FUCKING IMMORTAL BUT#SFHGASHGSA:GHAS:HGSAG
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this post was supposed to be a lighthearted post about aspec people by highlighting them in a joking way that still instills positivity and pride in the identity .
unfortunately too many people are too chronically online and media illiterate to realise that so let’s break down the post.
‘shout out to the people not having gay sex this pride month’
this was intentionally a worded to counter the ‘have lots of gay sex this pride month’ jokes and positivity that surround pride discussions. The wording directly associates with anti-queer activity and their frequent attempt to divert attention from queer people during the month of pride. it is worded intentionally. it is supposed to seem counter active to pride .
the humour is then seeing a pride flag. specifically the asexual flag- in which case this stands for an umbrella term across the aspec community which is more recognisable than the variety of aspec flags that i had seen whilst looking for a flag for this post . the grey line of the asexual flag stands for the spectrum between allosexual and asexual it represents the degrees of asexuality and in so, with the purple, stood for the aspec community in this post.
if the joke is still lost on you, the idea was to read a statement that counters the idea of queer pride and find it recontextualised to humorously represent an identity associated with the lack of sexual attraction; ergo no gay sex .
what this post is NOT, is a comment on varied asexual attraction. it us not a commentary on what makes a valid asexual person or whether or not you specifically will have sexual inter course this pride month . it is not saying asexuals are not allowed to have sex . this post is pushing any stereotype of asexuality . op is a sex having aspec person. i am demisexual . i have been with my partner for almost 2 years and engage in sexual activity .
what this post IS, is a joke. it’s a fucking joke i cant make it any clearer. not every single joke is going to relate to your own experiences and that’s ok. not every post about asexuality is going to relate to your own experiences that’s ok. you need to stop taking things at face value and actually engage in some media literacy to understand when something is a reductionist and stereotyping commentary which is inherently negative and when something uses a reductionist approach to convey humour because a lot of you really seem to be struggling with that one.
i fear a lot of you take yourselves too seriously and can’t find the humour in simple tumblr shitposts to the point where i’m having to actually explain what i thought was a very easy concept to grasp because it has upset a lot of people . stop taking everything so seriously .
if you are offended by the original post that is actually a you problem. that is something you have to work on where you cannot accept any form of lighthearted media that does not directly align with your own experiences . bc it’s not serious . it’s a joke x
also allo people can fuck off bc this is literally a post celebrating aspec ppl idc if your gf lives across the country or if you’re just a single loser this literally has nothing to do w u
yall make me want to kms for making me do this
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venting
#turns out no one will hire you if you haven't had an apprenticeship. i feel so fucking lied to#and unprepared. the course wasn't a waste in the sense it told me i could do this as a job#so it was worth it for me. i just hate that it was organized poorly and my teacher basically told me i can start my own shop when i truly#cannot. i'm not prepared. i don't know enough. so i do need an apprenticeship.#the only way to get that is to befriend piercers and i can't go to them as a customer since i'm broke and don't heal right. so i can't get#pierced by them and i don't know how else to start befriending people#so now i'm looking into remote jobs again but it's so overwhelming.#it feels like every time i find a path that feels doable the door gets slammed in my face#i'm so fucking stressed and sad and distraught i have no idea how to handle this#i'd love a front of house position in a piercing studio to start with but those are also so fucking hard to find#and i'm still just learning the language so i'm not fluent enough i won't be the first pick of several people apply#it's so disheartening. every time i think i've found my way something comes up that i don't know how to get around.#shit would be so fucking easy if i wasn't sick i could find a job doing whatever while i figure this out#but i'm too sick. if i'm lucky my sick notes will be extended til the end of the year#but i have no idea what to do after that.#been thinking about going to the unemployment office and being like yo i'm autistic and have a dr's note saying i cannot do physical jobs#can you find me a remote one#but idk if that'll help either#i'm just. really lost. and really tired. and really discouraged.#genuinely just exhausted.
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When you defend a politician who is avoiding jailtime for his actions and has his people targeting children, you're first thought might've been a republican but no! That's Israel's Netanhyu, the person you're defending when you claim Israel is just defending itself.
It most certainly is not. It's targeting children and every human rights organization calls it what it is. A Genocide.
But sure why not pretend Israel is a bastion of hope in a world of government corruption. Just nuts how blatant it all is and how much people want other's dead because of a terrorist organization that formed after 60 years of oppression. Israel have BEEN TERRORISTS for several decades before ffs.
Sad shit and you can feel how little education they got growing up. Anyone with critical thinking skills can figure out it's a god damn genocide. It's counter-culture to be willing to prove your initial beliefs wrong, so try it? Try proving yourself wrong for once in your egostic life. Shit man. Not hard to grow the fuck up and call a Genocide Bad No Matter Who. Fucking embarrassing even. Unforgivable primarily.
If you believe in a Heaven, this was a test you utterly failed via choice and choice alone. No one else can be blamed. You chose this.
#israel#buh ham- Do we have any control over them? No? No we don't send them free healthcare tax dollars? No we don't send them bombs they can#target and still choose children everytime?#Nah Hamas! Who we cannot control! They're the real problem!#Except we just want them to stop genociding#they can “”“”“defend”“”“”“ themselves all they want like I expect for everyone#they aren't doing that and you'd be hardpressed to find a higher number of kills for Hamas over Israel#the response of overt Genocide towards a terrorist group is not the correct response and You Know That#but you're a selfish fuck who doesn't care#Know this. I will never cooperate with ya'll once Harris gets in. Forever you have lost a blue voter#I sincerely do not know why you think pushing voters away to defend a genocider you will never know anything about#makes sense in your mind#but there's no way in fuck I'm voting with republicans that pretend to be dems#no thank you ya nazis#politics#palestine
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hm. i took my mods folder out of my sims file so i could upload that townie dump. and now when i've put the mods folder back. it is completely empty. ? how does that even happen
#rine.txt#i'm gonna give it a google but i've looked up file names for stuff on my laptop and i cannot find. Any of them#so i think. its entire contents was accidentally deleted. ??? how did that even happen#well. i don't really play the sims much rn and i thankfully started a good resource for myself#so i could find like 90% of what i had again. But this is annoying as fuck lmao#this also means i lost my cas background and i have NO idea what that was......so my posts. are going to look different <3
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