#look this is very old and im posting it bc im very high and why not lol

[neptunesnxpple]

Benimaru Shinmon x m! Reader

18+ only

Pairing: benimaru shinmon x m!reader

18+ only no minors please

Summary: You're Chapter 7's secretary and Central issues out new uniforms. I wrote this over a year ago, no proofreading

Tags: NotSFW, m x m, reader in a skirt, handjobs, cumeating, vanilla and gentle, there's a bit of a build up

“Central is issuing new uniforms,” Maki handed you a small package, “they said that even though you’re not going out on missions, appearance is an important part,” she gave a reassuring smile at that, but it did little to soothe your unease about the situation. Part of why you picked the seventh was the lack of adherence to company policy or standards. They were a little more liberal in their application of those mandates, but it seemed not even you could escape the crushing hand of central. You thanked Maki, shutting the door to your small home and tearing into it on the table. You doubted it would be as comfortable as your loose pants and soft shirts but there was no point in fighting it.

Benimaru rarely had time to sit around the station, he had his morning routine, part of which included checking in on the townspeople and making sure nothing was out of the ordinary. If he had the time he’d settle in for a cup of tea and a light breakfast, maybe some light training. Today he was a bit ahead of schedule, sitting in a spare room and window watching. There was still some paper work that needed to be filled out about the most recent incident, but he had to wait for you to get here in order to submit it officially. Ever since the first sent over a Secretary his days had been peaceful, all that loathsome paperwork was no longer his problem.

You unlocked the front door, taking careful steps and trying to stick the landing with each one. The package included tea party heels, something you’d never tried before. You turned on the lights and began opening the blinds as you went from room to room, the station was always quiet in the morning. Guessing from the time, you still had half an hour before the young master Benimaru would be in. Your estimation was dashed when you opened the sliding room to your ‘office’, a spare room that overlooked a small garden,

“Young master,” you greeted, surprised, “did you already finish your morning walk?” Benimaru gave you a thorough look, stopping back down at your thighs. expressionless.

“What are you wearing?” It came out harsher than intended. You shifted self consciously.

“Maki stopped by to drop off the central issued uniform for secretaries. She assured me that this was the correct one,” you responded, watching him carefully for a response. Aside from the heels you were in a short mini pencil skirt with matching slits in the side, so high up you had to find new a pair of boxer briefs that wouldn’t peak out from under it. A well fitting button up that had ruffles lining the button column. The fabric laid smooth over your flat chest. You supposed male secretaries were rare, and were on the fence on sending a message to central asking for an alternate outfit. A heavy silence fell over the room and you wished you had. “I could ask for a replacement if you would find that more acceptable.” Benimaru finally broke his state, turning towards the window and setting his tea cup on the table.

“That won’t be necessary. This one should do the job just fine.”

You sighed in relief at that sign of approval and finally set foot in the room itself, setting your bag next to the table and checking the filing cabinet for yesterday’s unfinished business. You sat across from him, working quietly, enjoying the gentle breeze and fresh air for the neighboring window. It was beautiful outside. You’d have to take your lunch outside. Every now and then you felt a pair of eyes on you, drinking you in, but whenever you looked he’d be focused on something else. Must have been your imagination. Perhaps an hour into your shift, the young master left.

Several hours later you were wrapping up, setting aside your current stack of documents and stretching back. With all the destruction, you had a lot of filing to do. Notification of damages, repairs, associate costs and outcomes. You had to attach dated photos and make sure to send a copy. But for now, lunch. As if on cue Benimaru appeared in the doorway,

“Are you taking your lunch break?”

You nodded, holding onto the table as you struggled to stand. You almost got a handle on the heels on your walk over but after a long time sitting down you had to get readjusted. You legs wobbled with each request forward, struggling to stay upright as you bent over to pick up your bag,

“Yeah, I think I’ll sit outside today. Do you need me for anything?” You shakily adjusted your bag over your shoulder, reaching the edge of the table and spreading your hands out as you walked in case you needed to catch yourself. Benimaru watched you, amused with the scene in front of him. By the time you got to the door, you felt as if you had just ran an entire yard. Not the small stretch of a room. You gripped the wall.

“No, I think I’ll go out with you.”

“Oh, cool,” you said, not really listening. It took all your attention to focus on staying upright. You wobbled on ahead, hand on the wall, before hearing an exasperated sigh. And suddenly, your feet were off the ground.

“By the time you get outside, your break will be over,” a deep voice explained. You felt the rumbling of his chest vibrate against your back, warm and soothing. You tensed, holding your bag on your stomach like an otter and not trusting yourself to say anything for fear of your voice cracking. He set you down on a partially shaded bench like a sensitive house plant. This was a much gentler side that you rarely saw. You cleared your throat to regain some composure,

“Thank you,” you smiled, hands shaking slightly.Your legs warmed in the sun, not used to getting this much exposure and finding that you quite liked it. The heels could stay too if that meant your young master would carry you from place to place.

“Don’t mention it. Mind if I sit with you?” He was sitting before you could answer, spreading out as if on habit alone, before noticing you scrunched to one side and reeling it in. He scratched at the side of his head, “so this is the new secretary outfit then?”

“Mhm,” you muffled between bites of rice and veggies.

“I won’t tell if you choose not to wear this. You should know by now that we don’t play by central’s rules.”

“I know, but I don’t want to cause anymore trouble for you guys. You already have enough on your hands, and I doubt you could find a secretary as flexible as me.” You definitely picked up way more of the report writing than was required, but Benimaru made up for it where he could. He’d bring you food, mostly, and if he saw you working too hard he’d send you home. Even though you technically worked for central and not just the seventh, he was a pretty cool supervisor.

“That’s why I want to make sure we keep you around. Seriously, you don’t have to wear... that.” You rested your utensil on the edge of your lunch box.

“If you don’t like it, I can change. I don’t mind either way.”

“No! - no it’s not that, I just thought,” he trailed off, leaning away from you now. You usually didn’t see him so impassioned. Or uncomfortable. Desperate to fix the situation you offered your lunch to him,

“Would you like a bite?” You held out your chopsticks, the sharp look of surprise on his face making you wish you didn’t. This was just getting worse. This look was something completely different and unknown, he seemed almost- flustered? You felt the heat rise to your face. With you leaned over your skirt had ridden up further, exposing the bulk of your thighs. You watched as he looked down at the food, catching sight of your thighs, and eyes widening. You blushed, pulling the skirt in vain as the fabric remained taut and unchanged. You gave up, accepting it for what it is. To your surprised he leaned over and took the bite you offered.

The rest of your lunch was eaten in silence, and when it was time for you to wrap up he lead you carefully along the stone path back to your office. The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, there was no additional reports to submit so you spent it on some housekeeping. Organizing the space, tidying up lose ends. By the end of the day, you propped yourself up on the edge of the table and took of your shoes, feet throbbing. This new uniform might take some getting use to. The warm orange glow of the sunset cast a loving light on the room and garden in front of you. You enjoyed the peace while you could. You straightened when you heard the door slide open, Benimaru stepping in. He took pleasure seeing you wrapped up in the golden light, propped up against the table. He stepped forward.

“You’re free to leave,” he stated. He tilted his head when he noticed your shoes on there floor, your feet dangling free.

“I’m a little sore,” you explained, shifting to slide off the table. Before you could finish the movement you were cut off by his large body in front of yours, towering over you. You froze in place.

“For all you work you shouldn’t have to walk home in pain,”

“Its really no problem, I’m sure I’ll get used to it,” you smiled, already aware that the young master wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Still you were startled when he dropped to his knees, taking one of your feet in his hands and beginning to rub deep circles into your arch. Once again you stiffened. Before melting completely on the table, slouching and reaching your foot out more for his ease. After the day you had you weren’t going to complain. He repeated the process on your other foot, and then began worked on your calves. Rubbing the muscle and relaxing the tense tissue into something more malleable. You laid back on the table, closing your eyes. Maybe this uniform wasn’t so bad.

He rubbed his hands over your meaty thighs, giving a test squeeze and enjoying the way his fingers dipped into the soft flesh. He was thankful you were on your back to avoid so you didn’t see the excited gleam in his eye. He stood up, settling himself between your legs. His hands ventured up from the sides of your legs to the side of your stomach, pressing in and massaging circles on your stomach with his thumbs. You shuddering, and without much thought you felt yourself get hard. You arched off the table when one of his hands pressed against the small of your back, the buttons on your shirt straining to hold. You couldn’t resist hooking your calves around the back of his legs, pulling him closer and slowly shifting against him. To your pleasure you felt him beginning to grow excited as well, a breathless gasp escaping his lips. Embolden you pulled him in tighter, pressing your erections together firmly as you rocked against him. Bravely you reached out, running a hand over his clothed abs and feeling the muscle definition underneath it.

He hooked his arm under your back and pulled you upright, reaching his free hand under your skirt and playing with your cock through the thin almost sheer like boxers underneath. Your fingers dug into his back, unable to avoid gasping and a small moan spilling out. Your legs tightened around him, hiking your skirt up more and allowing him to slip your cock out of your boxer briefs. He wrapped his other arm around you fully, supporting you and keeping you from wriggling.

Your threaded your fingers in his hair, dipping him down for a kiss. You felt his breath on your cheek, hot and needy, intoxicatingly so. Reluctantly you separate your mouth from his, pressing your foreheads together and fumbling to get your hand in his pants, a deep hunger settling over you. Too hazed to figure it out you made a noise of displeasure,

“Help,” you pleaded.

You felt him let out a hushed, amused laugh. He let go of you for the first time since his entering the room, slipping his thick penis out of his pants. Embarrassingly, you felt your mouth water, feeling the weight of it in your hands and the soft skin. He nestled back between your legs, feeling at home between them despite being a new sensation all together. The two of you felt each other, stroking in unison and nuzzling into the crook of the others neck. A comforting warmth settled over you, feeling his dick throbbing in your hand and his grip on you tightening as he came on your thighs. Not long after you came into his hand, moaning and body jerking to life under his guidance. The two of you stayed, stilled and holding onto one another for a lengthy amount of time. When you finally let go, you heard a groggy, gravelly voice speak up,

“Sorry about the mess,” he gestured to your thighs.

“Oh, uh, don’t wor-“ you choked on the last word as he returned to his knees, licking the cum off the insides of your thighs. You let out a pathetic whine, overstimulated and your half hard cock twitching with interest. You allowed him to lap up his mess before pushing him back, flushed, “I don’t think I can take anymore,” you admitted. He nodded, a softness in his eyes. On wobbly legs you hopped down, this time there was no heels to blame. You really didn’t want to shove your aching feet back into that tight shoe, even after the massage. Sensing your hesitation, Benimaru picked up your shoes.

“I’ll take you home. Or, you could spend the night in the station. With me.”

The idea of not having to leave sounded enticing, and after considering it you gave a nod,

“I think I will,” you lifted your legs and he scooped you up, taking a lesser travelled path to his small captains room, and setting you down in the entry way. It wasn’t decorated beyond what was needed. Dark blue sheets and bedspread, a dresser, just the essentials. Still it looked inviting and you found yourself curled up in his bed before you realized what was happening. You made a mental note to expand your work wardrobe.

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso

[a-kaash-me-outside]

˚₊‧ ᴡɪʟʟ ɪᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀsᴜᴀʟ ɴᴏᴡ? ‧₊˚

♡ ft. geto, toji, gojo, higuruma, nanami ♡ total wc: 10.9k // nsfw minors dni! // ♡ contents: ౨ৎ 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑢𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 ౨ৎ, afab reader she/her pronouns, no smut in gojos or tojis im sorry, emotionally stunted men kinda but they grow isnt that nice (not talking abt higuruma and nanami god no), the aftermath of fwb caught feelings, consolation, emotional aftercare ig, lotta domestic fluff for higuruma and nanami's!!!! (everyone say ty @noosayog for nanami's bc she is the only reason i wrote his) ♡ listen along: casual by chappell roan ♡

- ᡣ𐭩 time passes and people change, and just because you fell first doesn't mean you don't get a happy ending + bonus continuation of higuruma's and nanami's ᡣ𐭩 -

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ɢᴇᴛᴏ [ 3 ʏᴇᴀʀs ]

on the list of people that you thought you’d see tonight, geto isn’t even in the top 100, not because of probability or likelihood, but solely based on the fact that you have not thought about this man in years. if you were asked the question from your future self, “holy shit, guess who we saw tonight?” you would’ve listed old friends, distant relatives, exes, minor celebrities, other flings, teachers from high school, people from stories you’ve only heard of, and then geto. 

after that night, you really didn’t see barely any of him. a few posts on your feed: one 2 weeks after and another 2 months after that one when you remembered that you forgot to unfollow him. once on campus: him across a million tables getting lunch with some girl too long after your little thing for you to care about who she was to him at all. once at a mutual (though you didn’t know was mutual at the time) friend’s party close to graduation: you ran into him grabbing a drink from the cooler and neither of you said a single word to each other, just exchanged a very knowing glance.

fast forward a handful of years, with geto not on your mind during a single one of them, and you’re stunned, nearly speechless, as you recognize him across the bar. the track of which your mind is racing takes you stop after stop to thoughts and feelings you didn’t really ask to experience. they follow a curving roadmap in your mind of: why is he here? ↝ wow, he looks great ↝ does he live nearby still? ↝ that’s weird ↝ no, it isn’t weird, i still live here ↝ then what are the fucking chances that he’s here ↝ no, seriously he looks so good

he looks different though, you realize about 3 minutes into sneaking glances in his direction, in some way that you just can’t put your finger on right now. in your slightly tipsy state, you barely stop to ask yourself how you even clocked that it was him so quickly, how there was no hesitance in the recognition or questioning in the placing. he looks really fucking good.

in fact, now that all of the obligatory thoughts have come to a heed, that’s really the only thing that you can think about. how good he looks.

the events that happened that ended your situationship all of those years ago are nothing but outlines now; whatever you said or he said just sounds like underwater conversations. you can see the way that you left and you remember being dumbfounded, but everything else has lost its sting, like a story you’d recall to a friend of a friend in a setting much like the one you’re in. time has handled the memory the way that time does and as a result, when the two of you finally make eye contact after what feels like an hour of missed mutual glances, you offer a small wave. a wave that says, “i remember only knowing you in past tense. we are such different people now, i wonder what it would’ve been like if we met now instead.”

the wave was the first step, technically, sure, but he makes the literal first step. he departs from the conversation he’s been enthralled with for as long as you’ve been stealing glances and he weaves between people in the middle of their own stories before ending up in front of you. 

when he does, he asks, as if he’s just randomly bumped into you rather than intentionally coming over, “shit… is that you?” he puts his hand on the back of your chair, thumb brushing your shoulder.

the friend that you’re with cocks their head, furrows their eyebrows, has no idea who this is or their connection to you, the timelines of their interactions with you spaced too far apart for one to know the other. geto notices this look, addresses it. “we used to…,” he pauses, “see each other? for a little bit.”

you can’t help the laugh that bubbles up from your chest at the way he describes it. “yes, yes we did,” you nod. “back in college,” you explain a little further, “been a while.”

the interaction quiets, the two of you exchanging soft smiles instead of words, and your friend knows where this thing is going before either of you even do, so they bow their head, offer their seat to geto, and take their leave in the name of some bullshit excuse. he takes it without a second thought, asking you how you’ve been, laughing about the time that you saw each other at that party, and after an hour of just talking he says, “yeah, i actually thought about you the other day.”

you nearly choke on the drink he’s bought you. you rush to put it down. “you did?” you ask.

he nods. “i don’t even remember what prompted it. i think, maybe, i saw a photo of myself from college and how different i looked and how different i feel now and then just, out of nowhere, remembered how shitty i was to you.” 

you don’t say anything in return, running your finger around the lip of your glass as you stare at him. you don’t know how to say that you don’t care anymore, that you haven’t thought of those days in years, that the surprise that you displayed a few seconds ago was completely genuine, because you were so convinced that neither of you had. it comes out something like a shrug and, “we were practically kids.”

he answers so quickly, “well, kids or not, i’m sorry.”

you laugh, gently so he won’t think you’re laughing at his apology. really, you’re laughing at the notion of apologizing for an act that no longer warrants forgiveness. you laugh at the thought of giving it anyways. you place your hand on top of his on the edge of the bar. “thank you,” you nod. he nods back. 

when you let him take you back to his place for old times sake, you’re half-expecting the same person from the ghosts of memories from years ago, like all of the things he said at the bar were just a last ditch effort to usher the night in the exact direction that it’s heading in. 

but he’s different now, just like he said he was before he apologized, and you can feel it in his movements and his actions. more confident, more intentional. he kisses you first and it doesn’t taste selfish. it doesn’t feel rushed to get to the main event. he savors it, holds your head in his hands, and doesn’t touch a single other inch of your body until he’s found the right combination of fingertip pressure and tongue that has you melting into his palm.

your mind flickers to the notion that these actions might be pre planned because they feel so meticulous and thought out, but that impression quickly dissolves when he sinks inside of you, slowly, keeping his eyes locked on yours as he does, his hand reaching down to cup your cheek, fingers nearly trembling against your jaw when he presses his hips completely against the insides of your thighs. 

“shit,” he hisses, hands moving down to your waist, fingers light like feathers practically crawling against your skin, as if each print was so grateful it got to make contact with the softness below. when he grips into the fat of your hips, he’s careful, intentional or not, pressing his thumbs into the bone, but not letting his nails leave a single mark. it’s pressured, but comfortable. 

he holds you in place, slowly pulling his hips back and he can’t help but look down between your legs, watching himself disappear inside of you, a creamy mess at the base, shallow breaths recycled in his chest. 

“hey,” you say, eyes locked on the tenseness of his jaw and the way that he stops himself with sharp inhales. he finds your gaze in a second. “don’t hold out on me here.” you rest your arm on his bicep, fingers curling around wherever they can reach.

you can feel it under your palm, his muscle tensing as his pace picks up, rhythm consistent, but unrelenting. the breaths come out of you quickly and you’re unable to hold any sort of facade. “ah- shit, f-fuck,” you cry, “holy shit.” you squeeze your eyes shut, swallowing harshly as strangled noises leave you without vetting a single one.

“n-no,” you shake your head, regretting it instantly as he slows down in response. you shake your head harder, “no, don’t stop, but- ah,” you groan, “your- you were- i meant,” you exhale a laugh, “let me hear you.”

his eyes widen slightly as he processes what you want from him, and then he listens. he leans down to kiss your lips and then your cheek and then your jaw and then your ear. yes, he’s fucking you better than you’ve ever been fucked in your entire life, but that’s not what makes you crumble. no, it’s his grunts and pants and breathy groans pressed right up against your skin. 

you thread your fingers into his hair, twirling the ends of the locks between the tips, raking your nails down the base of his neck to the front, and then smoothing them down his chest. “more,” you mumble against him, and you’re not sure exactly what you mean, but he gives it to you, whatever it is. you’re certain he’d give you anything in the world right now if you just asked for it.

there’s a moment after when you’re lying there with him, shoulder pressed up against his, chest heaving, barely recovered, that you find yourself back in that college dorm. you don’t know why the tightness is rising in the hollow below your sternum, but it is. you remind yourself that you weren’t expecting anything from this anyway, so it doesn’t matter, but it does. you’re not sure if you just don’t want to be treated like that again or if it has something to do with geto being the one lying beside you. 

when you turn your head to face him, he’s already looking at you. he doesn’t shy away in embarrassment, like it’s wrong that he’d be gazing at you after all of that. his features are steady, confident, strong. he smiles softly, brings his hand up to cup your cheek. “should we get breakfast in the morning?”

in the morning, you repeat in your head. you wait a beat, trying to come up with something to say, to proceed with caution or to discern his intentions or to at least not sound desperate, but all that comes out is, “in the morning?” 

he nods, turning on his side so he can stare at you without his neck getting sore. he inches closer to you, kissing the top of your shoulder and then your temple. he drapes his arm over your stomach. “if that’s okay with you,” he says and then kisses you again.

“okay,” you nod back, lazy smile on your lips, eyelids heavy at the warmth surrounding you now as he pulls you closer to him. “yeah, sure,” you affirm, voice so soft and airy that the tightness in your chest is lifted away with the words, all that’s left is a hope you feel comfortable letting stick around.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ᴛᴏᴊɪ [ 3 ᴍᴏɴᴛʜs ]

you are not expecting anyone. you have resigned yourself to a nice pair of pajamas and comfy socks and a warm cup of tea and a spot in the living room that you will only leave for a refill and bathroom breaks. you are tucked into the corner of your couch, back pressed up against the sturdy arm, legs crossed, and a throw blanket over your lap.

you are not expecting anyone, so the sound at the door should have felt a lot more jarring. well, it is jarring for a second, a few seconds actually, the echoing disruption bouncing off of the walls of your living room and back to you, but then the noises repeat themselves, like they’re on a looping track, and you realize that-

you know that knock. heavy-handed with a tight fist, back of the knuckles, not the tops. almost pittering out by the end of the three successions, like the first one is direct and assured, but the second and third don’t really bother keeping up. that knock almost makes you run to the door. if it were 3 months ago, you’d be skipping to the door. 

but you hesitate for a few reasons. firstly because when the connection hits that you know that knock very well, you remind yourself to proceed with caution. secondly because it sounds the same but with a difference as small as a hairline fracture. you heard that knock far too many times during the span of a year and a half, and this one sounds almost completely identical, but there’s a half second pause between the first knock and the second knock and the raps feel less impatient. 

you don’t have to look through the peephole to know who’s standing on the other side of the door, but you’re glad you do anyway. if for nothing else, it gives you a slight edge, you’re convinced, like you’ve seen him first, you have the upperhand now. at least, that’s what you tell yourself. 

toji hadn’t contacted you since he left that day. no texts. no calls. no showing up at your apartment at 3 am. nothing. you kept telling yourself that you’d hear from him. when that didn’t happen, you started telling yourself that you didn’t care if you heard from him. you’ve actually been waiting for this moment, replaying what it would look like if he came back, the things you’d say to him and how you’d say them.

now, looking out at him just standing there, you’re frozen. every scenario you’ve replayed in your head, all of the emotional venting and blow out screaming that you’ve rehearsed and you can’t recall a single scene. you think about leaving him out there, about telling him to go away through the door or just pretending like you’re not home.

“i can see the shadow of your feet under the door,” toji calls out, muffled by the barrier between you guys, and yet it still rings out through your entire body. 

you slowly open the door. though, even if it took an entire hour to open the door, you’re not sure it would’ve mattered. you don’t think time is something that could’ve prepared you for seeing him. seeing him didn’t even prepare you for seeing him. you don’t know what to say, so you don’t say anything, folding your arms over your chest. you just wait. 

“i-,” he starts, but then immediately stops, half sighs/half scoffs as he leans his chest forward, eyes scanning the inside of your apartment, for what exactly you’re not sure. 

“what, toji?” you ask, voice stronger- and more annoyed- than you anticipate it being. you’re grateful for that. “why are you here?”

“shit, this is already hard enough for me t-,” he says, shaking his head, corner of his mouth tugging upward in frustration. 

you narrow your eyes, cutting him off, “sorry, this is hard for you?” you feel like laughing or strangling him more than you do crying, which is a desired outcome in this situation, you suppose. “you know that you haven’t talked to me in three months, right? you haven’t talked to me?” you ask, and you can feel your pulse in your wrist and your chest now, because the lines are coming back to you slowly, one by one, circling your brain, fueling your confidence. 

“yeah, no, of course i know that,” he combats, like you’re the one that’s being an asshole right now. 

you smooth your fingertips against your eyes, blocking the sight of him out for just a second before gesturing with your hand as you ask, “are you going to answer my question or…?”

“look, i said that this is hard enough as it is for me to just be here,” he snaps, and if you were a little less annoyed, if he hadn’t come at this whole thing exactly how he was, you might’ve clocked the desperation in his voice or the uncertainty in his pupils. 

“do you know how fucking stupid you sound right now?” you ask. it’s a rhetorical question. 

one week after he left, you were certain he was going to come back. you and toji had gone a week without seeing each other or even speaking. you had even gone two weeks. sure, the conversation felt much more serious and, sure, really deep down you knew this time was different, but still, you held out dumb hope. 

one month after he left and you realized this was not just him being weird and distant. this was something brand new that you had never had to deal with before. you were still trying to figure out how to navigate it when the two month realization hit: that maybe he wasn’t coming back at all, ever, maybe you had done something wrong. if he had shown back up on your doorstep during that time this conversation would’ve gone very differently you think. 

but he didn’t. he showed up at month three when your reaction to random memories of toji were no longer tears and guilt, but laughter and bitterness. there weren’t many things that toji could say right now that would warrant anything more than you standing in your doorway for 4 minutes or less. 

“i-,” he starts, but then sighs. he looks left, down the hallway of your building, eyes shifting from object to object out of your view. 

“please don’t waste anymore of my time,” you reply and it’s softer than you intend. you thought it’d come out angrier. that seems like a theme for you tonight: everything sounding different in your head. when he doesn’t reply, you start a countdown, promising yourself that when you make it to 15, you’ll close the door in his face. you only make it to 13.

“i’m not here to waste your time,” he says, with no air of disgust or annoyance, the first halfway decent thing he’s said to you tonight. “i-,” he huffs again, “i’m here to say sorry. and-,” he hesitates. 

you wait, just listening. the longer that he hesitates, the more time you have to think about what he might say and how you’re standing with your door open for the entire floor to hear your conversation. you’re not sure what’s worse, having this conversation in the confines of familiar grounds or the openness of neutrality.

“and ask… are you already seeing someone else?” he finishes. 

you’re dumbfounded, blinking at him slowly before responding in the only way you can think of right now, “goodnight, toji.” you shake your head, cursing yourself for expecting anything more.

“no,” he rushes to say and then stumbles over the rest, “i- i tried to see somebody else, quite a bit of other people actually…”

you scoff, squinting at him, saying more sternly this time, with an added attestation of closing the door in his face, “goodnight, toji.”

he reaches out with a quick reflex, grabbing the door before you’ve barely even moved it. “wait, no, i- fuck,” he mutters, scrambling, “can i just come in?”

“so that was your plan then?” you drop your hand from the door. “to come back here unannounced, be shitty to me, ask if i’m sleeping with anyone, tell me that you’ve slept with lots of people, and then ask if you can come inside?” you ask.

“i didn’t have a plan-,” he replies.

“clearly,” you interject.

“but i’m trying,” he finishes, and you’re waiting for there to be more, to explain exactly how this constitutes as trying, because you don’t really see that here.

“fucking christ, toji, you’re going to have to try harder than whatever the fuck this is,” you sneer. 

“we- we had a good thing,” he tries again. you don’t understand how every time he opens his mouth it gets worse and worse. why are you even entertaining this anymore?

“fuck you, man,” you scoff, and it feels like all of the anger has left your body, and in the void where it once was present is nothing but disinterest. 

“no, not like that,” he backpedals. maybe if he would say more than four words at a time, or four better words at a time, then you wouldn’t have to keep filling in the blanks or being pissed off or- “for the last six months of our relationship, i didn’t sleep with anyone else,” he admits like it’s the answer to all of your problems. the word relationship burns at the forefront of your mind so hard that you don’t realize what he’s said for 10 whole seconds.

“i, so what?” your voice is unconvincing even to your own ears. you had slept with other people even 2 months before that last day. that wasn’t the issue. you guys were allowed to sleep with other people. you had an explicit conversation about the fact that you could sleep with other people, something along the lines of, hey, we can see other people right? yeah, we’re not fucking dating. okay, just checking.

the so what, you had already answered for yourself, inner voice replying to your own question, screaming, you guys were exclusive, unknowingly to each other, for 2 whole months before you confessed and he left. 

his answer is much different. he says, “so nothing really. i just- i needed you to know that.”

“well, what the fuck do you want me to do with that?” you ask, and it comes out bitter and discouraged, but what you really mean is, please tell me what you want, please, can you just tell me that you missed me. 

“whatever you want,” he answers instead.

you take a deep breath, a million emotions coursing through your veins and up your throat. “you know what?” you say, and it doesn’t sound angry, it sounds playful, “no, seriously,” you smile and then you laugh, “fuck you, toji.” you close your mouth like you’re done talking, like that’s all you needed to say, but your heart disagrees, forces more words out into the air no matter how hard your jaw is clenched shut.

“you show up here and you’re an asshole and then you’re decent and then you say shit like that and then- then i ask you what you fucking want from this, what you’re trying to play at here and you tell me whatever i want?” you say, exasperated. 

“what i wanted was for you not to leave me three fucking months ago. that’s what i wanted,” you spit, “i wanted you to tell me this shit three fucking months ago before i sat alone, by myself, sad and then angry, and the entire time, fucking missing you, you fucking asshole. that’s what i wanted.”

and then it’s there, out in the open, airing for the two of you to witness and to face, and no matter what happens, you know you’ve done everything and said everything that you’ve needed to. he’s quiet for a few moments and you let him be, not tapping your foot or rolling your eyes or being pissed off, but just letting it play out. if this is the last time you ever see toji, why not just let it play out?

“okay,” he says, and it’s soft in a way you’ve only ever heard from him one time in your entire relationship. “i’m sorry.” he pauses. “i really don’t know how to do this,” he admits and you believe him. it feels different from when he told you something along those lines earlier, but you have a feeling that this is what he was trying to say all along. 

“do what?” you push, because your mind is making assumptions, but if he’s going to prove anything to you, he needs to start now. 

“ask for forgiveness?” he says, like he’s thinking out loud, “apologize? date someone?” you don’t say anything. you’re looking for something more concrete than that. it takes a handful of uncomfortable seconds before he says, “actually care about someone.”

“and do you?” you ask.

his lips press into a thin line, his eyes shift from left to right again. you can feel him getting antsy with the conversation and he’s barely said one vulnerable thing. you look at him, eyes soft and pleading, silently begging him that if he’s grown from this, you’ll let him back in, you swear, but you’ve been hurt before and you know what you’re worth, so you’re going to need some sort of evidence as collateral. “yeah,” he mumbles, but it’s audible. “you,” he says like it isn’t obvious, and it’s quiet and daunted, but you really appreciate the effort.

“okay,” you say, and that’s all you say.

“okay?” he questions, confused. “that’s it?” 

“yup,” you say, but your small smile and the fact that you’re not slamming the door in his face again gives away a bit more than that. 

“can i… come in?” he asks, hesitant, like he’s still being tested.

you shake your head, hand gripped onto the edge of the door. “no,�� you say, scrunching up your nose and furrowing your eyebrows. “because if you come in here, we’re going to have sex,” you admit, half because it’s the truth and half just to see the look on his face. (it’s worth it.)

“wait,” he says, placing his palm flat against your door, but not moving it. his hand is now inside of your apartment, the only part of his body that’s made it past this invisible barrier of hallway and your place. “that sounds like a great thing. why am i not allowed in?”

“because this is me having self-control,” you explain, placing a hand on his shoulder and pushing the small portion of him that’s crossed the division back into the hallway. when you feel his skin against your pinky, soft fabric of that familiar shirt underneath your palm, you almost make a fool of yourself right after you say the word self-control, but you remind yourself what’s at stake here, what you really want. 

“i came all the way out here to see you-,” he starts, but he doesn’t make a move to replace his hand on your door, letting his arm fall back to his side. it’s for the better, too, because you’re not sure how much more self-control you have already, no matter how much you tell yourself about longevity and whatever. 

“if you really care,” you interrupt him, using his few vulnerable words against him, “and you weren't just trying to sleep with me tonight,” you pause, letting those words sink in, “you will go home and you will call me tomorrow morning and we will get breakfast- the least sexy meal of them all- and then maybe coffee if i enjoy hanging out with you outside of just having sex with you, and then we will go from there.”

“i-,” he starts to protest, but you cock your head. the truth is, if he said another word, reached out and touched your cheek or your hip or really anywhere on your body, if he kissed you, or just walked inside of your apartment and sat down on your couch, you wouldn’t have stopped him. you might even have gotten breakfast with him anyways. he doesn’t know that, you don’t think, but even if he does, he doesn’t act on it. he bows his head slightly, conceding, and says, “okay. i will just… talk to you… tomorrow… then.”

you nod. “goodnight, toji,” you say, hand on the door, closing it as slowly as you opened it. 

“uh, yea, night,” he says back. you won’t tell anyone, and neither will he, about the stupidest small smile you see on his lips as he leaves your apartment that night or the fact that he wakes up extra early the next morning, muttering under his breath about how ridiculous dating is before he calls you at 9:30 on the dot.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ɢᴏᴊᴏ [ 3 ᴡᴇᴇᴋs ]

being away from ɢᴏᴊᴏ feels like detoxing. not from like hard drugs or alcohol, but… coffee. 

like you know it’s not necessarily good for you, drinking it every day, but it’s a habit you’ve had for a while now and you just can’t seem to break it. it’s not really hurting anything in your day-to-day and you’ve been doing it for so long that it’s probably fine to just keep doing it.

but out of nowhere it hits you that maybe drinking coffee as much as you do is a waste of money and even if you don’t feel the negative effects constantly in your daily routine, you remind yourself of the times where you could distinctly feel the thump of your heart and the unsteady of your hands. you recall the time that you stayed up all night for the promise of a cup of coffee to get you through the day. in every memory that you’ve ever had in your entire college career, you’re holding a cup of coffee.

so one day you make the choice to stop. you stop buying coffee from coffee shops and pods for your coffee maker and cups from diners and accepting free ones from friends. you don’t really need a good cup of coffee as badly as you think you do. and it’s stupid, you think, because it’s just coffee. it doesn’t mean anything. just because you’ve been drinking it consistently for quite awhile doesn’t mean it has any sort of hold over you. it’s just coffee. 

but then the headaches come and the irritation sets in and nights are hard, but for some reason mornings are unbearable, and you feel antsy all the time and you haven’t left your room in the past three days and the only thing you want is a cup of fucking coffee and you can’t relapse with coffee; it’s fucking coffee. 

yeah, being away from gojo feels a lot like detoxing from coffee. 

you try to just not see him. it’ll be easier for you if you just don’t see him, you tell yourself. you go out of your way to avoid his walking path on campus and you refuse to leave your dorm when you don’t absolutely need to in fear of bumping into him or worse, just seeing him from afar, and god forbid you even come within three streets of the corner where his apartment resides. you block his number and you delete social media off of your phone for the time being, too many mutual friends to make casualties, and you do not let yourself think about him. not falling asleep, not when you wake up, not while you’re doing homework, not in your dreams or in the shower, not when something reminds you of him, not when you see his favorite show on your recently watched, not when you really need a good cup of coffee. 

and it works for a while.

but not forever.

three weeks into your detox and you’re doing such a good job at not thinking about gojo that you mix up his monday schedule with his tuesday schedule and on your way back to your dorm, you see him. if you keep walking at the same pace that you’re walking, you will collide with him. if neither of you do anything, one of you will get hurt. 

you look down at your phone, hoping, in the forefront of your mind, that he didn’t see it was you. (in the back of your mind, you’re hoping that he’s the one to break the longest bout of silence the two of you have had since you met.) when you sneak a glance, he’s already almost reached you, jogging to catch up with you. “hey,” he calls out, just in case you haven’t seen him.

“hi,” you say, stopping in place and letting him approach you.

“i’ve been trying to get ahold of you,” he offers, like you wouldn’t have known that.

“oh, sorry, haven’t been on my phone,” you lie. he knows that you’re lying. he can tell that you’re lying, so you don’t really know why you lie in the first place. maybe to prove a point. maybe to make him feel bad.

“look, about…,” he trails off, trying to remember how long he’s been without you, “about that… day…,” he opts for instead. 

you put your hand up, waving the topic off. you mean to say something like, don’t worry about it, see you later, but it comes out like, “we don’t have to talk about that here.” here. fucking here. if you would’ve left those four letters out, it would’ve been a perfect line to walk away with, but you don’t. your stupid coffee-craving brain tacks it on, hopeful. 

“right,” he says, nodding, “should we get coffee maybe, then, or?”

it’s not out of the ordinary, or it didn’t used to be, but now it feels taboo. you want to snap and ask him if he’s sure, because coffee sounds a bit too much like a date for people that aren’t together, but you realize very quickly that the irritation from your coffee detox is maybe a little bit too much to hold in without any closure. “sure,” you agree, “i just got done with class so we cou-.”

“i know,” he says, because three weeks hasn’t erased your schedule from his brain either. 

you order an iced tea. you’re still convinced you’re done with coffee for good. he looks surprised at your choice, like he’s never seen you order an iced tea before, because he hasn’t, but he doesn’t say anything. you sip on it throughout unpleasant pleasantries and it’s refreshing, but it’s lacking something. in fact, the longer that you drink this stupid drink that has caffeine anyways and isn’t as good, the irritation bubbles higher and higher until- “can i start?” you ask, tapping your fingers against the table in rhythmic succession. 

“yeah, sure,” he says, bringing his coffee to his lips and taking a sip.

“if at any point in this conversation your answer to anything i have to say is that we weren’t together, i don’t think we should have this conversation,” you reason, and you mean it, but his reaction takes you aback. you notice the smallest flinch when you say weren’t.

“i wasn’t-,” he shakes his head, sighing, “no, i wasn’t going to say that.”

“okay,” you say, dragging your fingertips along the condensation on the side of your glass. “then what were you going to say?”

he thinks for a minute, like he didn’t assume that he’d get this far when he brought up the idea of coffee. “i wanted to stop you from leaving,” he says.

“but you didn’t,” you rebuttal.

“i didn’t,” he affirms. it’s quiet again. you can hear the scrape of the cups against the table as they’re picked up, drank from, and put back down. the chatter in the coffee shop drones over the sounds of hesitance and nerves. “i’m sorry,” he says after a while.

“so, do you think we were together?” you ask, “and be honest. i’ll know if you lie.” you search his face as he answers, and the only thing that comes up is another flinch when you talk in past tense again.

“yeah,” he says, honest. “being apart from you these past three weeks has been one of the shittiest things i’ve ever been through.”

“ever?” you ask, quirking your eyebrow, as if it isn’t somewhat true for you too. 

he nods in response, continuing, “it’s been hard.” he pauses. “i’m sorry i was so shitty.”

“pretty shitty, yeah,” you agree, but you can’t hide how nice it feels to just talk with him again, to call him shitty and to sit across from him at a coffee shop table. “i’m sorry i ghosted you these past few weeks,” because it deserves to be said too. 

“i really missed you,” he says, and he doesn’t hide from it. he looks you directly in your eyes and you can tell that he wants to reach across the table and hold your hand. you want that too. 

“me or just, like, sleeping with me?” you ask, somewhat terrified of the answer, scanning his face for the truth once again. 

he laughs softly and, try as you might, you can’t stop the fluttering in your stomach or the warmth in your cheeks hearing that for the first time in too long. “please, i haven’t thought about sleeping with you once,” he jokes.

“oh, no? not at all?” you ask, scoffing lightly, a tiny smirk threatening to break.

he forces a thoughtful frown, shakes his head dramatically and says, “can’t say that i have.” you’re laughing now, but through smile-squinted eyes you can still tell that he’s actually being genuine. “not really,” he says. 

“so just me then?” you ask to make sure.

“just you,” he affirms. “a lot of just you.” you hum, content with his answer, but he gives you even more than thought he ever could, “i don’t want to just go back to the way things were. i don’t think that’s enough for me anymore.”

even though you’re sure a response like this would’ve sent waves of shock through your entire body, it doesn’t. it just feels right. you reply quickly, “good. i don’t think it’s enough for me either.” you reach across the table. the back of your hand brushes against his, and then past it. you wrap your fingers around the handle of his coffee cup and bring it to your lips. 

he doesn’t protest or snatch it away from you or make a snarky comment. he places his chin in the palm of his hand, elbow against the surface of the table, and smiles at you. you take a sip from his mug, warmth spreading through every bit of your body. 

why would you deprive yourself of coffee when it brings you so much comfort?

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ʙᴏɴᴜs! ʜɪɢᴜʀᴜᴍᴀ [ ɴ/ᴀ ]

you’re not exactly sure how many times something has to happen before it becomes a theme. 

ᡣ𐭩 •｡��ৎ ˚⋅

“do you -huff- want to -huff- have kids someday?” higuruma asks from beneath you, palms resting on the tops of your knees, thumbs massaging up to the insides of your thighs. 

you slow your bounces and then you stop them completely. you blink at him once and then twice. “that is a really wild thing to ask while you’re inside of someone,” you scoff, searching his face for any kind of tone indicator. is he being serious? is he just saying something to get a rise out of you? is this a kink thing?

he smirks, placing his hands on your hips, coaxing you to continue your movements, and you do. you lift yourself off of him, slowly at first, but then picking up speed as you chase the feeling you lost when he asked the question. you’re breathless when he asks again, the repeated question no longer stilling you. the second time around it feels almost normal. “do you?” he asks on his exhale.

you shake your head and then tilt it side to side, closing your eyes so all of the conflicting fast paced movements don’t dizzy you. “i- don’t- know-,” you huff, “maybe- conversation- for- a- different- setting.” each word is punctuated by the slap of your thighs against his hips. he nods, completely okay with that answer, and then just drops it.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

“shit,” you say in realization, hips circling, fingers combing through his hair. you pull your head away from his shoulder, pushing yourself up to look him in the eyes. “wait, how did your meeting go today?” you ask, and this time neither of you miss a beat. 

when he slows to think about it, you pick up his slack, rolling your hips, feeling the drag of him inside of you, a breathy moan floating up your chest. he answers over your noises, “really good actually.”

“everything as planned?” you ask further, genuinely just as invested in this as you are in the act. 

he nods, smiling. “yeah, to a t,” he says, wrapping his arms around your lower back and pulling you against his chest. he kisses the side of your temple, holding you in place with a tight grip as he lifts his hips off of the bed, thrusting into you. “surprised you didn’t ask as soon as i came through the door.”

you shake your head against his shoulder, placing a soft kiss against his collarbone. “was thinking about it all day,” you explain. he fucks into you faster in response and it feels like a reward for caring about the things that are important to him. “but when- shit- when you got home…,” you grunt, “it completely- ah, fuck- completely slipped my- ah- mind, s-sorry.”

“ts alright, pretty.” he nudges his nose against your cheek, peeling your attention to his face. your cheek rests against his shoulder and you blink at him, focus dipping from the topic at hand as you feel that familiar tightening in your core. he can see it written all over your face, so he drops his head to kiss you, silently communicating that you don’t have to worry about finishing the conversation right now. he’ll bring it up again in a bit.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

“should we get married?” he asks, back up against the headboard, looking you directly in your eyes, gaze following yours as you rise and fall. 

“you are not proposing to me while i’m riding you,” you say, shaking your head, but you don’t still or slow. conversations like this in a setting like this just don’t phase you anymore. honestly, it wouldn’t surprise you if he did propose right now. you’re not even sure you’d say no.

the corner of his lip tugs upward and he exhales a laugh as he leans forward the smallest bit to kiss you. “i’m not, i’m not,” he assures, “why? would you say no?” 

you’re quiet for a minute, not because you don’t know the answer, but to keep him on his toes. you won’t lie to him, you don’t think, but you don’t want to come right out and say it. his questions are rhetorical anyways, half-jokes that he’s not expecting serious answers to; you’ve known higuruma well enough and long enough to be confident of that. you could’ve replied with an eye roll and a scoff and nothing else and he would’ve dropped it. instead, however, you answer, “course not. i’d say yes in a second.”

he nearly comes inside of you right there.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

maybe it becomes a theme when someone points it out. 

you can’t tell if it’s intentional or not, the way that the two of you keep having these serious conversations during sex. you know that you don’t do it on purpose; things will just hit you during the repetitive motions and you worry you’ll forget them and you know that higuruma won’t judge you for just saying them, so you do. whether this is the case for him, you’re not sure. 

but the interruptions just keep getting more casual. it starts with big conversations: weddings and promotions and thoughtful decisions, and then it’s like you just start remembering things in this position: work drama and mundane did you knows. it’s almost as if starting with big topics just made it seem so easy to talk about anything like this. 

it didn’t help, you think, that it’s just always easy to talk about anything with higuruma. you guys have been together, officially together, for over four years now, and conversation, no matter the topic or severity or setting, is something you’ve never struggled with. you continue to not struggle with it, inside of the bedroom and out. 

you’re not sure what about the position and the moment makes you so susceptible to remembering little things that you want to tell higuruma when he’s not around, and vice versa. in fact, you’re not even convinced that it’s something about the action that jogs your memory anyway, it’s probably just a really weird and common coincidence.

and then one night you can’t find your keys. 

you’ve searched everywhere for them, in your car, in your bag, every nook of your room, the places where they normally are, higuruma’s coat pocket just in case, and then everywhere else in your guys’ apartment. they’re nowhere to be seen. 

when higuruma walks through the front door, even from where you’re searching in the kitchen, you hear him let out an elongated, “woah.”

you pop your head into the doorway, “don’t say anything about the mess.” you can see his eyes resting on the overturned couch cushions and then on the various opened drawers. “hey,” you warn, pointing towards him as you walk quickly into the living room. you throw your arms around him tightly and give him a small greeting peck. it’s routine at this point; if you don’t do it your whole night feels off. “i said don’t say anything.”

he lets you hang off of his neck as he puts both hands up in surrender. “i didn’t say shit,” he says, pressing a kiss into the side of your neck, then moving his hands to your waist, “the fuck happened here though?” he laughs against your skin and you can feel the vibrations travel to your fingers and toes. 

you pull away from him, shaking your head. now that you’re back in the living room, it’s like you have to start this room’s search over too. you start checking under the couch and in the hall closet. “lost my fucking keys,” you grumble, smoothing your palms over your face, “i swear i’ve looked everywhere. i just can’t remember where i left them when i got home.”

“did you check th-,” he asks, walking into the kitchen, grateful that you’re not in there with him or he knows you’d yell at him for the way his eyes go wide at the clutter and chaos everywhere. 

you cut him off, “wherever you’re about to say, probably yes, ughhh. i’ve retraced my steps, i’ve looked in places that are fucking stupid to look in like every pair of shoes we own and in the fucking guest bedroom pillowcases. i’ve looked everywhere.”

from where he’s stood in the kitchen now, he can see you scrambling as you vent. he leans against the wall, “well, not everywhere or you would’ve found it by now.”

“i’ll kill you,” you say, eyes snapping up to meet his to show how serious you are.

he just laughs, “i’ve got a pretty good lawyer, you might not want to do that.”

“good legal can’t help you when you’re dead,” you snap, almost completely joking. he meets you back in the living room, helping you check all the places you’ve already checked. 

15 minutes pass and then 35 and then he stops abruptly. “oh my god, i have an idea,” he says, and you look at him, hopeful. “you know when you usually remember things?” 

your first reaction is joking annoyance, picking up a throw pillow and sending it his way. he catches it and sets it back down on the couch. “i’m serious!” he yell-laughs. 

you throw another pillow at him as your second reaction sets in. “that’s not going to fucking work,” you say.

“how do you know?” he asks.

“because,” you say, trying to come up with a good answer other than just blind doubt, “because i don’t remember things while i’m riding you. it’s not a fucking superpower.”

“you don’t know that,” he jokes back and braces to be hit with another pillow. “okay, okay, but i’m being serious! besides, what’s the worst thing that can happen? you don’t remember and we’ve had sex, how horrible,” he reasons.

you let your arms fall, pillow in your hands resting against the tops of your thighs. you look at him, thinking, which, in hindsight, was a dumb thing to do, because higuruma can see the contemplation on your face. 

eight minutes later and he’s inside of you and you’re the most embarrassed you’ve ever been.

“this is so stupid,” you mumble. you haven’t moved an inch after slowly lowering yourself onto him. you’re fully seated against his hips, hands smoothing over your face and then lingering there, covering. 

he reaches up, fingers soft and kind as he wraps them around your wrists, pulling them away from your face. “ts not stupid,” he reassures, but you’re not convinced. you groan, turning to look away from him, but that just won’t do. he reaches up again, soft grip on your chin coaxing your gaze back to his. “hey,” he says softly, “just focus here, angel.”

you listen, somewhat, mind still flickering back to why you’re even riding him in the first place. “just enjoy yourself, okay,” he tries again, rolling his hips upwards, pressing himself inside of you as deep as he can. you close your eyes, and it’s quite easy to just focus on the feeling of being as full as you are right now. “good,” he whispers, “just like that.”

it doesn’t take long for you to lose yourself completely, moving on your own, letting the whimpers and whines take over any other thought you might think to say, chasing that feeling rather than worrying about whatever you’ve lost. 

it all kinda clicks at once: where your keys are and why you always remember shit when you’re like this.

in the midst of everyday noise, so many things get lost: important and unimportant thoughts alike. but now you’re not worried about anything else. you don’t care about anything else right now. you don’t have to. you don’t want to. and in this state of letting everything go, mindless and blissful, some things slip back through the cracks.

you collapse onto higuruma’s chest, spent and happily aware of this new revelation that you have not, for once, shared in the middle of sex, but kept quiet as a come down surprise. you hum softly as he rubs up and down your back, hum again as he presses a kiss into your forehead. “m sorry it didn’t work, angel,” he murmurs. 

you turn your head, ear pressed right against his heart as you gaze up at him. “i left them in the fridge,” you reveal, and he knits his eyebrows together. 

you assume that he’s going to say something about how did you leave them in the fridge? or why are they there? but instead he questions, “what? and you didn’t tell me until now?” like you’ve harbored a life long secret. you laugh softly, snaking your hands up and scratching your nails against his scalp, playing with the ends of his hair. “don’t think this is going to get you out of it,” he says, “‘ts my favorite thing when you just blurt shit while you’re on me.”

you can feel the warmth in your cheeks and your chest as you breathe a laugh. “you’ve never told me that before,” you murmur. 

“think it’s cute when you just can’t wait to tell me things,” he says, “feels more intimate than being inside of you.”

“ew,” you say, scrunching up your nose, even though you weirdly agree. 

he just laughs in response. a few seconds of quiet comfort pass before he backtracks, “wait, why the fuck are your keys in the fridge?” 

and you tell him all about it, about the day that you’ve had and how you remembered you hadn’t drank enough water so you were refilling your bottle from the pitcher in the fridge as soon as you got home from work, but your hands were full so you set your keys on top of the leftovers from yesterday, but then you had to go and set everything down and the fridge closed and by the time you left the kitchen you remembered you needed to do something else… and it just keeps going.

you tell him as you’re taking a shower and as you’re eating dinner together and as he’s brushing his teeth and you’re washing your face and laying in bed and setting your alarms. every room in the house is a mess, but you’ll deal with that later, you decide. you rest your chin on his shoulder. “and how was your day?” you ask, even though the clock reads much later than it should for how much sleep you both should get before you’re up early for work tomorrow. 

nevermind that, he decides, and tells you all about it anyways.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ʙᴏɴᴜs! ɴᴀɴᴀᴍɪ [ ɴ/ᴀ ]

“can i ask you something and when i ask you, you’ll know i don’t mean anything bad by it at all because i love you more than everything in the world?” you ask, putting down your phone only after you’ve finished your sentence. 

you wait a few seconds for nanami to take in what you’ve asked. he reaches over to the night stand for his bookmark and sticks it between the pages. he shuts it with an audible shuffling of paper and a sharp thump. 

nanami has been with you long enough to not typically be surprised by your out of the blue… questions. (dronings? is there a word like droning but the connotation is more positive? like you talk at him a lot and he loves to hear the ramblings in your brain, but sometimes he is just trying to read his book before bed. whatever that word is.)

he places the book on his lap and then turns his chest towards you completely. you now have his full attention. “is that a yes?” you ask. 

he inhales deeply, “if i say no, will you still ask it?”

you think on the answer to that question, really mulling it over before shaking your head. “no, i don’t think so.”

“then yes,” he smirks, “i suppose i have to say yes then.”

“great,” you say, tossing your phone onto your bedside table with a clunk. you sit up straighter, rocking forward to fully adjust your position on your side of the bed. you put your hand on his thigh and cross your legs, letting your knee rest on the side of his comforter covered hip. “do you ever regret not dating more?”

it definitely takes him by surprise. he thought you might drop another weirdly specific hypothetical about would he love you if… or request a glass of water even though you already told him tonight when he was getting into bed and he asked if you wanted one, that you did not. 

now he’s the one mulling over your question and despite how nerve wracking it could be to wait for an answer to a what if that involves not you, you’re not anxious in the slightest. you’re quiet, just waiting for his answer, and when he finally speaks, you know exactly why you weren’t scared in the first place, “i’ve honestly never thought about it since i met you.”

“really?” you ask, and you’re mostly feeling very lucky that nanami is yours and you are his, but there is an underlying feeling of guilt that he’s unintentionally caused with this statement. 

he nods. “sounds like you have though,” he says, and it’s not even a little bit judgmental. it sounds like he’s imploring you to keep talking, like he wants to hear exactly what you’re thinking, why you brought it up in the first place.

“i wouldn’t trade this security, this love, exactly what we have, you for anything in the world,” you start to explain, and it’s nothing but the truth, “but sometimes i just think about that first night when we were in that bar. the flirting, the risks, that feeling of not knowing where the night is going to end up. sometimes i think about that a little bit.”

he hums, thinking about that night, and after a few seconds of silence, he speaks up again, “first date nerves,” he nods, “now that i think about it, i miss those.”

you cock your head at him. that’s a weird part of dating to miss, you think, but then he explains further, “like when we went out on our first date and i didn’t know what you were going to wear or if you liked the restaurant i picked or if you’d let me pay for your food.”

“or if i’d take you back to mine,” you joke, raising your eyebrows at him, but really you’re burning inside. your cheeks feel warm just hearing about these feelings he’s never mentioned to you before. 

“yeah, that too,” he laughs, getting back on track, “like, i’m still finding out new things about you all the time, but back then i was discovering who you were every second we were together, and that- that felt like…”

“like finding out soulmates were real?” you ask, because that’s what it felt like to you, that same exact phenomenon he’s describing. he smiles at you warmly, like you’ve just put to words what he felt he could only experience. “i know what you mean,” you smile. 

he leans forward, cupping your cheek with his hand and guiding you towards him. he kisses you softly, placing his other hand on your other cheek and kissing you harder. “should we go on a first date again?” he asks against your lips, barely pulling away to speak. 

you laugh, but when you pull away, you can tell he’s not joking. “what?” you ask, “what do you mean?” you’re already blushing though, already feeling the exact first date nerves he was just talking about. 

“let’s go on a first date,” he repeats himself. “i’ll pick you up at your front door and i’ll choose the restaurant and it’ll be a surprise and i’ll ask you questions that i’d ask you on a first date even if i know the answers to all of them and more at this point.”

you’re smiling so big that your cheeks are sore as you nod fervently at the concept. “okay, yeah,” you agree. 

“right, so we probably shouldn’t kiss or make out or sleep with each other until then to really play into the whole thing?” he teases, and you roll your eyes in response. 

“you’re very funny, kento,” you say, leaning in, brushing your nose against his. he doesn’t even last a second, closing the gap with a small peck and then another and then another and then a much longer one and then he’s putting the book on his nightstand so he can pull you into his lap. 

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

you get a text 5 minutes before 7 that nanami is going to be 3 minutes late picking you up. the text looks a little weird underneath a thread of:

>> nami <3 >> how’s work baby

<< read << if you love me you’ll come and pull the fire alarm to get me out of here early :) :) :)

>> nami <3 >> fine but that’s a class four felony in some cases. will you be providing legal assistance or should i look elsewhere????

<< read << how do u know that?? nerd!!!

>> nami <3 >> google tbh. 

<< read << wow. first i have to stay at work all day alone and sad and now i get to know my bf isn’t sexy and off the dome smart about everything. :(

>> nami <3 >> goodbye.

<< read << :(

>> nami <3 >> i love you

<< read << :)

you bite back the urge to reply with something you’d say to him after knowing him for years. rereading the text and thinking back to your first date, it makes you giggle. actually, it makes you kinda nervous. you text back a polite no worries! take your time! and he replies with a heart and you truly feel like you’re dating for the first time again. you feel honest to god giddy. 

arriving to the restaurant, you are genuinely surprised. you thought after knowing him as long as you have and having gone to as many restaurants with him as you have, you’d go back to somewhere nice you’ve already been. but that isn’t the case. 

he drives you to a pop-up restaurant 20 minutes out of town that you’ve never even heard of, but is the cutest place you’ve ever been, and the entire time he can’t stop sneaking respectful glances at you. he won’t stop telling you how nice you look. he even apologizes for it by the sixth time, pushing your chair in at the restaurant saying, “i know i keep mentioning it, and i’m sorry, but if i said it every time i thought it, it’d be a never ending string.”

if he keeps this up, you’re going to feel like you’re cheating. this seriously feels like a first date, like you’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years and you’re also going on a first date and it’s really messing with your head, but you never want it to stop. 

he stays true to his word, asking you questions he already knows the answers to, but hearing them again, they sound brand new. he doesn’t know if he’s just forgotten some of them or if the testaments of time have weathered your answers just enough to sound unfamiliar, but either way, he’s hanging on to every word. 

by the end of the night, you’ve truly convinced yourself that there are stakes to this date, like if you play your cards wrong, you won’t get to keep seeing this incredible guy. he pays the whole bill, even though you insist on getting your meal or at the very least dessert. he says, “you can try next time too.” and you can’t breathe, you feel so lucky. 

“i’m sorry if this seems forward, but i’d really like to keep seeing you tonight,” you say as the waiter takes away the paid bill, and your heart is thumping so violently against your chest, you swear he can feel it too. 

he shakes his head, “perfectly forward,” he smiles, “your place or mine?” you break character for the first time tonight, giggling at the reality of the question, hiding behind your hand as you do. “what’s so funny?” he asks, but he’s grinning just as big as you are. 

“just thinking about how dreary my life would be if i hadn’t gone on this first date,” you say, and it’s a little too meta, but he’ll let it slide, because he’s a bit flustered at the sentiment. “mine is great,” you answer, placing your hand on his, rubbing the tips of your fingers against his knuckles. 

everything about the rest of the night feels like a first too. it feels like your first kiss in front of your front door. it feels like he’s seeing “your” apartment for the first time. it feels like you’re making out on your couch for the first time. 

it feels like the first time he’s ever been inside of you. 

when he pushes deeper into you, eyes on yours shut tight, you tell yourself that you want to pretend you’re on a first date every single day of your life. you can’t stop whimpering, pleading for him to never stop fucking you ever, please don’t stop, please never fucking stop. 

you break character for the second time when you’re right on the edge. he keeps looking down at you with so much love in his eyes and his hands all over you feel like they know every inch of you, and you can’t stop yourself. you grab his face in your hands, “kento, baby, please, ‘m gonna- ‘m sorry, i- fuck, please. i love you, fuck,” you whine, and he can’t stop himself either, hips stuttering, head falling against your shoulder as he feels you clenching around him as he empties himself inside of you, murmuring how much he loves you right back. 

the way you’ve been feeling all night: blissful and coy, it’s not because it’s a first date, it’s because he’s nanami. it’s because he’s orchestrated the entire night and no matter how “new” everything feels, the underlying foundation of that newness, and the reason everything feels so good, is familiarity and safety. 

“i’m sorry that i-,” you breathe, but he stops you, reaching his hand up to drag his fingertips against your lips, and you laugh, pressing a soft kiss into them. “okay, okay,” you say, and he places his hand back down by his side. “done with the first date stuff, just want to be yours again,” you murmur. 

he scoffs, light, and you can hear his smile in it. he falls over onto his back, pulling you into his chest and kissing the top of your head. “never weren’t,” he mumbles against your hair. “always will be,” he mumbles again, holding you tighter. 

“good,” you say back, settling into his arms like that’s the only thing you know to be true in the entire world. you wouldn’t trade that truth for a million first dates. 

sure, holding your breath at quick witted flirts and stolen glances is nice, but it’s a lot nicer just knowing that you will never be loved better and you will never love harder. 

♡ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢs ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴs ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ♡ no bc the yelling really worked very well idk yell at me more to write a continuation for toji (maybe also gojo bc hes the only one i havent written even an inkling of smut for) idk i'm just thinking of so many scenes idk throw hcs at me in my inbox IDK! toji dating for the first time? got me fucked UP

ᡣ𐭩 ᴛᴀɢs ᡣ𐭩 @igocrazyeveryday @vernasce-blogs @minty86 @abrielletargaryen @pompompompompompompom @mysticrays @lilolpotato @thisisew @pnkoo @optimisticsandwichgladiator @ryumurin @cisseadven @multi-fandom-fanfic @noosayog @anxious-chick @mintleafwrites @(tried to tag some other folks but couldnt!!)

[chasedeys]

i've decided to lump all my shippy rpf au/non au thoughts together so. some nsfw btw, some non bengals, and like several ships you'd maybe have to brace yourselves for idk.

(also feel free to ask abt/share your thoughts on these or even other ships hehe maybe i'll get inspired! there's like 15 ships here goodness)

joemarr:

avatar au - airbender jamarr, firebender joe i knowwww some of you would think its the opposite but no i am finitely correct. the way jamarr would be bouncing around leaping around that man is an airbender!! not of the acolyte variety though 😭 while the deadset focused single mindedness of joe is for sure giving firebender hiding his scalding inner feelings. highly talented jamarr running away from the air temple in a very its-not-a-phase-nobody-understands-me-esque way and joe never getting the due diligence over his abilities in the fire academy so post graduation he's training hard under some obscure master (coach o lol) and getting outrageously good at his bending from sheer petty stubbornness and need to prove himself. they team up for that avatar korra organized bending fight thing i can’t recall and kick ass. and make out etc etc.

time travel au - old and greying married joemarr heaved with fresh out of the oven just won a natty joemarr. jamarrs tearful face clutching his ball staring in shock at ja’marrs unimpressed face clutching a margarita bowl in the middle of his and joes fucking kitchen. baby joes on top of the kitchen island bc somebody high up fucked up the calculations. older joes in the back trying to water their honestly dying plants. comfortable in their skin older joemarr reminiscing their years together tangled on a love couch while ten feet apart in the L shaped couch baby joe and jamarr red in the face just would not look in each other's direction like at all. jamarrs still clutching his ball. they’re still wearing their gear. joe would not stop staring at their gigantic ass framed wedding photo on top of the fire place. the emotional rollercoaster of being faced with the reality of possibly not playing together again steamrolled by the slap of imagery of them being married. being in one team. being a team. being more than what they thought they were together. and that time travel is real joes nerdy ass quantum mechanics enjoyer would be pissing himself in excitement probably. some crazy 'im gay for my qb/wr?' dilemma.

joemarr endgame with jjmarr fuckbuddies fwb extraordinaire :) except jamarrs very obviously to everyone but joe in love with joe, but he’s a slut (affectionate) so him and justin fall into bed very easily. one morning joe randomly dropping by jjs apartment greeted by justin making coffee etc he’s sitting in the kitchen island and jamarr walks out of justins room in just boxers yawning scratching at his belly with marks all over his body very obviously having gotten laid (pressing his hands against his eyes so he doesn’t see joe he just smells coffee and asks aloud if he can suck justins dick as a treat this morning lmao). cue horrific faces all around! cue misunderstandings! angst! why would you two hide this from me me! feelings realizations! tee having to suffer through joes breakdowns!! justin being exasperated through it all as joe be his stupidly loyal self congratulates him for his and jamarrs thing before cutting the man off by saying he’s in love with his coach fuck of jb fr. joe avoids jamarr for a hot minute before suddenly getting pushier and handsier with jamarr and that somehow leads to a cinematic fight and subsequent Great Big Confession in the middle of nowhere in a field of orange and purple flowers and green grass and hiding peeking woodland creatures and rain falling down heavy on them when they’re yelling only for it to suddenly clear and a rainbow to shoot right above them when they kiss end scene. cut scene to them sitting on a couch knees touching very bravely telling an unimpressed tee how they got together as tee shits on them for getting the flu of all things.

others (bengals/bengals or /nonbengals):

23 rookies poly - suchhh interesting dynamic between them alllll. drunken night of celebration of their touchdowns calling each other little tiny baby leading to chase getting spitroasted. waking up horrifically sticky and spent the next morning but charlie just goes right for the kill and climbs on top of yoshi for round four. social admins favorite targets yoshi and charlie being scrutinized heavily by the admins the next day wondering if they should be on that days segment 😭✋ (they really shouldn’t)

tee/justin - that one vikings vs bengals game where justin points/pokes at tee saying that his insane tuddy was crazy. that he was crazy for that one (it was. he was. tees sooooo). help me. help meeeee. (justin jamarr competency kink do you feel me) I’m thinking sonnets and ballads here guys they just talked and complimented each other for 1 (one) minute but I’m hearing wedding bells. no but okay so they just casually like each others posts and reply emojis to each others stories and start dming cute shit like hey heard u like this guys music or hey whyd u make a face like that in this one ad lol or hbd bro keep grinding or joe and jamarr said this insane shit abt u is it true or hey u in la right lets link up etc etc finally having each others numbers and texting near 24/7. joe and jamarr get suspicious when justin knows exactly what they’re talking abt tee when they have their random catch up sessions with him before it clicks like hm. theyd be good for each other huh. justin erratic yet pin straight demeanor vs tees calming affectionate accepting nature huh. both their outrageous babygirlism. huh. the two promptly get down to business (setting them up) but like all their efforts are literally already done by those two. making and faking cancelling plans only to find out they carpooled together and were planning on spending the night together anyway etc etc.

joemartee oughhuhguhhuhhh secret established relationship joemarr being disgustingly in love but nobody knows they just think they’re like that or like oblivious and bets running around if they’re actually together/getting together/Very Good Friends etc while tees Going Through It falling for joe that one year first (on no he's a hot jock nerd) and getting close with his paramour the next year (oh no he's a hot semi-stereotypical jock) and they're both just oh so sweet and just genuinely going through the wringer with these insane feelings and joemarr oblivious asses oohing and aahing and blushing over tee higgins crying as i picture this i lvoe them your honor. it ends with them holding hands together in the middle of their home field on top of the tiger print b logo (which they all were in college. tigers that is. in college. where they faced each other for a natty. crazy).

tee/tb - both too pretty not to be obsessed with each other tbh. the angst aspect of ducking out of the bengals is there lol but what i want is tb pure class of dining and wining tee higgins like he deserves!! except he’s also a freak so tees constantly getting hit with random sensual touches and the dirtiest innuendos he’s ever heard of in his 20+ years of living.

joe/evan - the afc smoooocchhh being all that evan could think about 😭 joe being absolutely enamored by evans competency and confidence (that guys crazy he’s like looks like we're going to the afc championship or smtg i forgot but joes smile talking abt him is burned into my gyri) while on the other hand evans in his head thinking joes with jamarr and like am i really going to go for a man clearly in with his college bf only to be bamboozled by jamarr barging into his hotel room one night and yapping abt joes adoration for him and how all his 'why doesn't he like me' woes annoy the ever living shit out of him so he drags evan to joes room and locking them in together (how he does it nobody knows)

bayou trio poly - THSI SI SOOOO. there’s actually so many thoughts abt them but i cannot for the life of me even begin to word them out. joe being very obsessed with his receivers is like the entire precursor to this if I’m being honest because this man just would not shut up about jj and jamarr like that one interview about olympics flag football and his first thought is he’s playing with his guys shutttt your faceee. but just him relentlessly pursuing his guys and them fucking with him right back and with each other is so <33

trey/ja’marr - this bitch/bitch pairing has me by the throatttt trey being outright fucking wooing the shit out of jamarr but also unable to keep his smartass comments to himself and jamarr getting his feathers absolutely ruffled but the wooing he’s actually kind of oblivious to is working so well 😭 trey making an effort to be interested with jamarrs likes interests and hobbies, semi perfect gentleman because again he can’t help himself he has to be a smartass, one scene in my mind i can’t let go of is of trey dragging jamarrs plate of chilli he was handed off by someone unknowing for himself and giving his own plate filled with jamarrs favorites to him and that shit flusters jamarr bad but trey just has to make fun of him for his anti chilli agenda. he complains to tee and joe they each have to hold his hands very gently to tell him that that giant man is trying to wife you up and the world rearranges itself in jamarrs head so the next day he flirts disgustingly shamelessly outrageously with trey who’s flustered as all hell when jamarr actually just puts his entire hands all over his belly and waist. tee and joe 20 feet away from jamarr shamelessly feeling his man up with hands over their faces because oh my god jamarr be normal would you.

mims/erick - i don’t actually know them that well but their one instagram interaction, the fact they’re both rookies, and their beauty compels me so.

keon coleman/ja'marr i know this makes ZERO SENSE but let me tell you something x3 😭😭😭 the fact that jamarr stingy ass follows him on insta??? from like a single training (?) session??? this notoriously unwilling to just follow anyones ig followed keon from when is probably the first ever interaction they had together????? adorable. both from nola!! keon being such a sweet emotionally and intellectually intelligent sweetheart people on tiktok calling him dumb just from the way he talks (sincerely and honestly, yall nasty people wouldn't get it) get behind me 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚. no do you get me jamarr getting lowkey obsessed with keons cute ass funny ass 6'4 ass goofy chill ass self and keon slightly starry eyed at jamarr guahagauahuh hear me outttttt (this is literally all i have in me to say sorry)

others (non bengals)

micah/cj - i keep getting these twos interviews and events together in tiktok its crazy micah says the most delusional shit and cj has to stop himself from cussing him out in disbelief its sooo funny. getting ‘casually fucking’ from vibes alone, the sexy way they debated on an imaginary cj offense vs micah defense play in micahs podcast (?) was also very compelling lol. like cj definitely fucked this man from annoyance of his bullshit but also of his brain and also bc he's hot okay.

cj/bryce - watching glimpses of their high school (?) lore and now the black magic shit going on….insane….the angst…..have they met up or talked at all this season. what would they say to each other. the tender angsty horny aspect of it all. haunts me i won’t lie.

bryce/andy - the panthers qb disasterland angst aside, bryce went after that old man like crazyyyy. the ethics of fucking a much younger man youre mentoring whos looking up to you for guidance and going through a very vulnerable moment in his life while you're also weighed down by a franchise calling for blood is so. soooo.

fred/brock - lowkey into the 49ers but their situation rn is. very dire. i wish them the best truly. heal quick and completely. but freds suchhh a gorgeous man and all his mic'ed up moments are adorable and brocks lore of being the absolute last pick and outperforming the other qbs drafted before him just stokes the fire in me and theyre just so. the slight curdle knowing youre the last pick the sudden responsibility shoved into your hands the star player backing you up relentlessly. learning each others ways during training camps and on the road trips gradually realizing theyve talked more about anything and everything that theyve ever talked to anyone before, brock freaking the fuck out while fred gets incredibly down with everything etc etc

koc/jj - constantly getting the vibes of ‘he fuckeddd that old mannn’ when i see gifs of those two with jj just being 🥰😘💞🎀💓🌸💖💝🩰🌷 aughguhgh outrageous levels of besotted he’s WORKING he’s GETTING HIS MAN he’s FLIRTING hes using EVERY weapon in his disposal (competency, beauty, babygirlism, etc) you have to respect that shit. stupid fic idea that won’t leave my head is of them getting into a scandal caught by paparazzi romantic ass dinner holding hands and ending the night clubbing close but they really aren’t anything at that time but ahaha you get where I’m going with this right FAKE DATING!!! except this isn’t really feasible bc lets be real a coach dating his player = fired. period. or the player traded to a different team which. WHICH. but theyre both like invaluable to the vikings so they just go ok fake dating have at it (that makes zero sense but whatever). anyway super fun idea can’t lie justin upping his cutesy lovey schtick and koc quietly dying from it. joe legit reaches out like 'ur not being coerced or anything right' while jamarrs like 'get that silver dickkkk' (hes like 39 but whatever) etc etc.

stosh - i can’t say it. i just can’t 😭😭 the point is stef is definitely vicious as all hell and josh is rightfully protecting himself and post week 5 game they fucked one last time racing against time before joshs flight back to ny and there were tears bitten back words and just like a final goodbye for both of them. for good. forever. or is it. (it is.) (they still think of the other.) (josh sees the ghost of him in every corner of his stadium. in every stool in his kitchen. in every tightened smile around him when he says he's practicing throwing to a receiver.) (stef feels the ghost of his touch every time he throws a ball perfectly to a fan in the stands. when cj tells him to snap his wrist correctly when he jokingly plays the quarterback. thinking of faking not being able to throw just to feel his touch in a crowd of people.) also stef saw that is it in ad meme and has a visceral reaction he barely stops himself from tweeting heinous shit about joshs dick game

okay so brace yourselves:

lamar/ja’marr - LMAOOOO don’t come for me but jamarrs competency kink. the shit he said about playing lamar in madden. lamar being witness to the sexy as all hell 82 yard td and 70 yard td annoyance against his team and being driven to do SOMETHING about it. guys see my vision. see beyond team sports for a minute and seeee myyy visionnnn. but yeah that’s the thing that compels me abt them lol

pat/ja’marr - HEAR ME OUTTTTTT the sheer distaste jamarr has against the chiefs is sooo ???? them randomly meeting each other one day and ja’marr instantly has his hackles up -> pat responding right at jamarrs vibes and annoying ass heckling the shit out of jamarr (his intentions were playful. jamarr does not see it that way) -> ja’marr fight mode activated -> straight up making out and fucking dirty in the backrooms -> never speaking of it again. the narratives!! that’s basically it

joe/pat - lowkey compelling 😔🤚 just imagining absolutely disgustedly affronted ja'marr in the back as joe and pat do a shy blushy demure 4 feet for jesus between them vanilla ass flirting light hearted 'haha i beat you' jabs 'good game bro pal buddy' dance is so 😭😭😭 jamarr spritzing water at pat pushing joe away behind him 'really. right in front of my salad. get the fuck away i swear.' joe trying to advocate for his feelings while jamarr shoots them down saying thats the most toxic shit hes ever heard (its not even remotely toxic hes just saying shit) somehow getting roped to helping set them up and he burns (slight insane thoughts of him and pacheco working together and then ehehe etc bc of that one time pacheco gassed up the crowd to the background of jamarr Going Through It and like. pachecos fucking gorgeous yall look at him. pacheco needling at jamarr like ‘u in love w joe or smtg’ asking semi seriously bc jamarrs like super funny and cute and absolutely incapable of being chill about his team wow and jamarrs dying everybody quit asking if hes in love with his qb he swears esp this gorgeous ass annoying prick)

joemarrpat. no i will not elaborate. (dirty hate fucking. jamarr right in the middle btw shut upppppp)

ok bye

[twistedastrology]

you cannot run a subreddit like a fucking dictatorship.

----------------------------------------------------------

im pissed as hell rn so im gonna bitch abt this real quick bc im a gemini and bitching is my specialty- and i cant do a workout yet so 😵‍💫

recently I've been very active in the r/astrology subreddit, primarily answering people's questions bc it's my favorite thing to do

I answered one person's question about the difference between the ascendant, chiron and north node, i was incredibly happy to answer bc i love helping people, especially with "easier" questions like that- (i use quotes to be respectful bc i am of the belief that no question is a stupid question)

i will give the mods one thing, they DID have a rule about self promotion even if the thing you're promoting is free- that one was my bad (i offered to look at someone's chart) and i will (and did) own up to it.

the one i will NOT own up to is the one that was not written in the fucking rules goddamn anywhere.

for reference, this was my comment that they took out back and shot:

just from this shit alone i was fucking pissed off because no goddamn way you're gonna sit here and tell me "degree theory has absolutely no basis" DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF ASTROLOGY AS A WHOLE IS JUST THEORIES AND INTERPRETATION.

there's a reason astrology and astronomy are separate. one is based off of actual, provable mathematical equations, and the other is INTERPRETATION.

i replied, and then they did too:

"we caJT pUt eVery PoSsIblE tHiNg iN tHe RulEs" YOU HAVE 6 FUCKINH RULES. YOU CAN ADD ONE ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE SO PISSY ABOUT IT. what are you allergic to the number SEVEN???? is it because it's a LIBRA DEGREE? $! #?? #? #

and the fucking "and I'd encourage you to study them" id encourage you to study my fucking ass while i fart in your face motherfucker u wanna find out how korn got their fucking band name? $! #? #? #? #?

you dont believe in degree theory??? Fun fact: your north node of destiny is in 26° MY ASS and your mercury is in 3° BULLSHIT- and your ass and my foot are in a 0° orbit conjunction 🥳🥳🥳

motherfucker degree theory is a T H E O R Y. you can't just remove someone's fucking comment yapping about it because you think it has no "basis in real astrology"- way to promote critical thinking, asshole!!!!!! you would burn the library of alexandria if you didn't agree with one fucking book in it.

this is why i was kind of afraid to go on reddit because people are so high and mighty with their astrology there that they are just about allergic to any other interpretations- and the r/astrology subreddit, at least some of the mods, seem to be exactly like that

like im sorry but my mercury in an aries degree of gemini makes perfect fucking sense to me- and the only other thing i have in aries is my venus which ISNT EVEN IN ORBIT TO MAKE A SEXTILE!!!! and these people definitely dont believe in cranking the orbits so i cant even say that 😒

not to mention dodecatemoria and decans are Technically degree theory- not in the sense of 1 degree = aries, but in the sense of "section of degrees = sign", especially dodecatemoria which is literally 0 - 29° of any sign

here's a chart in case anyone's interested:

dodecatemoria is also literally BABYLONIAN. that shit is OLD. granted egyptian decans and such are older, but that's still DECANS. AND DE GR E E S.

im not coming for everyone on the subreddit as a whole, just whoever appointed this dumbass fucking rule- why have an astrology subreddit when you can't even talk about certain astrology topics. fucking shit yourself loser i hope you burn.

to the people that dont know me that well btw i am not actually actively wishing harm on anyone- i just get very dramatic when im pissy 😒 anyway ill probably do a post on how i use degree theory soon in spite of this so keep an eye out!!! 🥳🥳

[masochistartt]

okay fuck it jamie self perception post

jamie has been signed to city since he was a child. this is how the academy system works - they recruit players (children) from local grassroots leagues and bring them into their club system, hoping to raise them up to play for their club in the future (or sell them off to other teams for profit). these players are typically between the ages of 9 and 10 when they're first recruited, but can be younger/older. they're evaluated every year, and players can be cut at any time.

i think jamie joined city when he was around 9, solely because of the fact that he said his dad started showing up when he got good at football, and georgie my beloved would not let jamie go on a trip abroad with a complete stranger to him when he was 14. i think james started coming back around when jamie was somewhere between 11 and 12, playing for city's u14 team, and his skill at that age level is how james heard about him (it's not uncommon to hear about great players who are that age. city recently signed a like. legendary 14 year old and i've heard about it (young boys should not be having their egos inflated like that at 14 but that's beside the point)).

that's a whole lot of rambling before i even start touching on the original point – the contract jamie's had signed since he was ~9 that dictates what he must and mustn't do. this is the idea that he's had of himself in his head from that very young age.

screenshots are provided from the 23/24 premier league youth development forms bc honestly i cba to go back and find anything older (i've tried looking and it's not working so you're getting this) but

the scholar here is the academy player. 5.1.3 and 5.1.4 are what interest me here. jamie was obligated to not only train & play to the best of his ability always, but he was obligated to maintain a high standard of physical fitness at all times from the age of 9.

think of the thoughts that might put in a young jamie tartt's mind. he had to be at his peak always. if he wasn't at his peak, he was disobeying his contract. he was owned by his club, and he knew that if they sell him, they'll make a whole lot of money off of him (there's a certain base fee x number of years the player was trained + extras = total homegrown player transfer fee algorithm but i don't want to do math rn so im not touching on that). i don't think jamie ever wanted city to sell him, so i think he put pressure on himself to be at his best always, to never let his standards slip, and when james came back into the picture, that pressure only grew exponentially.

it's also interesting looking at the "the scholar shall not" section of the contract. 5.3.1 is interesting bc like. if the club (city) didn't think his house on the estate was safe they could've fully just. Moved Him. but 5.3.3 is insane to me. especially the beginning. "the scholar shall not indulge in any activity or practice which might endanger his fitness". this means no fun roller skating birthday parties. this means jamie probably knew how to ride a bike before he was 9 bc if he "indulged" in learning when he was with city that might have endangered his fitness. no rock climbing. no tree climbing.

and if jamie took things as seriously as i think he did (boy really wanted to play football, that was his dream in life, i don't think he would've purposely done anything to endanger that dream), i think he missed out on some fun in his childhood solely bc he was Keeping His Body In Full Fitness For His Club.

which brings us to Adult Jamie. bc he was raised in this environment, raised with the mindset of My Body Belongs To My Club, My Body is an Asset for my Club, it makes even more sense why he'd put up with the auction at the gala without starting a fight (even if the whole manipulate keeley & possibly bribe bex thing happened behind the scenes).

his club (even though he was on loan, it was his club for the season), was auctioning off Its Own Asset (jamie's body) to the highest bidder for a night. jamie's body, from a very, very young age (does jamie remember much before he was signed to city? i don't think so) has always Belonged to His Club.

this is also part of the reason that i headcanon jamie doesn't like driving - driving is, in his mind an Activity Which Might Endanger His Fitness.

also. for the record. this stuff is also in the professional player's contracts too.

the player agrees to maintain a high standard of physical fitness at all times and not to indulge in any activity sport or practice which might endanger such fitness.

3.1.6 is another reason i think jamie went along with the stuff at the gala too. the player agrees to comply with and act in accordance with all lawful instructions of any authorised official of the club. rebecca/higgins/whoever put on the gala is an authorised official of the club. he kind of. had to by contract not put up a fight with them about this

the player agrees that he shall not undertake or be involved in any activity or practice which will knowingly cause to be void or voidable...policy of insurance maintained for the benefit of the club on the life of the player or covering his physical well-being including injury.

he still can't do anything that might get him hurt. i ignore that he engages in kink practice both in canon and in my own headcanons bc i think the heavier kink stuff really only comes in later seasons' timelines and even then he's engaging in that kink stuff with someone(s) who knows that this stuff is in his contract. they know his limits.

anyways something something jamie's body is an asset for his club (city and then richmond) and i think that says a lot about the way he views himself. you know ?

[thisismeracing]

bono!reader head-canons

she learned how to ride a bike through brawn team members taking turns at races during the pre-race track walks to oversee her attempting to balance on her small pink bike with tassels on the end of the handles

she had a tutor for her pre-undergrad education because you cant tell me bono left this kid in the uk while he worked all over the world. but also because by the age of 5 this kid knew how advanced physics and aerodynamics worked. she needs something to challenge her and normal public school education for her age bracket was not going to cut it

there is a wall in brackley where there’s a series of marks indicating her height over the years and the team still makes her do it from time to time (imagine bono standing on a stool taking his much taller kid’s height and it being posted on the merc insta captioned: just like old times. it’s a swipe post where the first pick is bono squatting down to take 6 year old bon’s height and the second pic is the one where bono is on the stool)

she had multiple ear piercings. and they indicate her most important accomplishments. her first lobe piercing indicates her bachelors deg., and her second lobe piercing is her masters and she’s saving her 3rd lobe piercing for a potential doctorate degree. maybe she has a cartildge piercings for being hired at merc and another for being promoted to team lead

has her dad’s birthday tattooed on her somewhere, im thinking somewhere on her back

she babysits miss laura magnussen from time to time and makes everyone feel old as fuck because their og grid kid is looking after the next gen grid kid (ahhhhhhh im so soft about this hc in praticular) i think a pic of laura and bon gets posted on both the haas and merc insta captioned something along the lines of “one generation to the next”

i think she’s a high top shoe type of girl, i cant see her being a low top type of person

continuing along the same lines, is an ankle boot wearer whether it be chelsea or laced

is very proficient at riding a horse without any prior experience (i think this one gets found out after bon and bono make it out to austin to the schumacher family ranch)

not a contacts person, wears frames like her dad does but her frames are the semi round ones (think same shape as that one pic of lewis with silver frames and silver suit)

☕️

omggggg yes to all of these!!! I love those hcs smmmmm

Idk why but the shoes makes sm sense to me too. Yes to the piercings and tattoos (maybe she even got matching ones with someone in the grid or something - maybe she's the one that convinces mick to get one). the height thing made me tear up bc yes!!!!!! traditions!! traditions is the word for bono baby and we love it, we love every detail about them.

[randomwriteronline]

@lee-the-yeen hello. for your big brain. i offer you. A gifte :)

(this is part of the Kingdom AU, idk if u know it, but in short a bunch of stuff happens and so theyre eels who live in a fountain named after them in this one. matoran of iron go feed them sometimes. dw it will make sense eventually, possibly. also im including some hcs from ur post bc theyre baller)

"There's a nook at the other end of the fountain, you know," Kotu mentioned nonchalantly as she haphazardly launched jerky strips all over the water.

Vezok didn't make much out of it, as he was busy zooming back and forth with his mouth open trying to get as much food in it as possible, because he had been tricked into being left hungry and angry enough times for him to be very much done with it; Hakann and Thok, instead, quirked their brows at that with cautious, gluttonous interest.

"Is that so?" the Ice Skakdi mused.

"Not that you should go there," the Ga-Matoran continued.

"And why not?"

"Well, I bet there's nothing for you."

"Bah!" Hakann cried out with a snap of his jaws: "And I bet you've got something hidden in that cranny!"

Kotu snickered at him: "How'd you suppose I'd do that?" she asked in an almost mocking tone, "It's not like you wouldn't have know if I'd ever set foot in these Piraka-infested waters before."

"But you could've when it was being built!"

"Why haven't you jumped in yet, by the by?" Thok added, mellifluous voice oozing out of his smirk; he began swimming back and forth just under where she sat with fluid motions, doing a real bad job at looking menacing. "Aren't we friends? Come on, get in for a swim with your old pals, little Matoran, and we can help you get back what you've stashed away in that nook, what do you say?"

She smiled with mischievous intent and a high pitched hum: "Oh, I've got to wait a moment or so first."

"Scared of a little water?"

"No, just wanna check how quick the poison works."

Vezok swallowed his enormous mouthful of jerky as loudly and grottesquely as possible before spitting a spray of water at her: "That's Kane-Ra waste," he decreted, "That slobber tasted great!"

"Aw, thank you! I put a lot of effort on masking the toxin's flavor!"

"Good thing you ate all of it, Vezok," Hakann played along with her: "It was getting a bit crammed in here."

His former backstabbing associate whipped around to bite his chin right off, and in a moment they were both speeding after one another across the fountain as thought it had turned into a pinball machine and they were trying for a new high score, with fitting background music so kindly provided by Thok's deafening laugh and Kotu's snorting giggles.

"Aren't they cute?" she cackled to the silent ex-Piraka beneath her.

Zaktan remained very serious as he slowly turned a side-eyed glare onto her Rau: "You're setting us up."

The Matoran widened her eyes and gasped dramatically with her hands flying on her heartlight: "Me?" she exclaimed, as false as a Vortixx's praise. "Set you up to some prank for my own amusement? Whatever are you saying! I would never do such a thing!"

His jaws lunged lazily out the water to bite at her, missing entirely; Kotu skipped away with a little yelp, not scared in the slightest, and left the Skakdi to their inevitable in-fighting.

In the meantime, Vezok had managed to bite down on one of Hakann's spikes and was being violently yanked around by the red armored Piraka while he screamed his entire head off - which considering they were little more than heads by now meant he was attempting the rather incredible feat of beheading himself without having a body - and Thok convulsed his spine into knots coughing laughs through his clogged gills.

This sort of happenstance really did make him miss the pleasant days of trying to kill each other at every opportunity.

"Quiet!" Zaktan barked at last before their idiocy could kill him with a fulminous aneurysm. The other three Skakdi stumbled, rolled, and hushed at last. "That infernal little thing wants to trick us! She's got something in store for us, something I don't like. I'll bet that nook doesn't even exist."

Hakann scoffed: "Of course I don't trust her! What sort of idiot to you take me for?"

"I've known you too long for my answer to be courteous."

"But she could've told a half truth," Vezok butted in. "And I've seen that cranny she mentioned."

"Did you see it, or only think you saw it?" Thok questioned wisely.

"I said I saw it!" his companion snapped: "It's half covered in rocks and it's barely anything interesting!"

"That sounds like it could be any scrape on the side of the fountain!"

"It's no scrape, it's an opening! It's the one she meant!"

"Let's see this, then," Zaktan conceded, "Just to check if the little Water maiden's words had some inkling of truth to them."

So, still trading doubtful looks, the four toothy beings swam quickly, following their blue armored associate's lead.

The Piraka fountain (so graciously named after them after they'd been confined in it, as they couldn't very well be left to prowl the shores and have free reign on the toes of anybody that dared dip their feet in the water) wasn't as small as it looked like: those Onu-Matoran architects were quite skilled at building things that were much bigger than they appeared - likely on account of their experience living underground in tunnels that would have otherwise been downright suffocating.

It took as such quite a while for the mutated Skakdi to find the specific spot Vezok had mentioned. They were rather pleased to find that their search hand't been in vain: lo and behold, in a corner of the structure there opened some kind of hole half buried behind a hastily put together barricare of small rocks, looking not shallow at all.

The Water Skakdi grinned victoriously: "See! Beings of little faith!"

"Incredible," Thok noted - unsure whether to attribute the word to the fact that Kotu hadn't lied, or that Vezok had indeed connected the dots correctly for once.

Zaktan slithered closer to the opening.

"So?" Hakann egged him on. "Get in! See what's in there!"

The glare the green armored being shot him was accompanied by the Ice Skakdi's complaint: "And why don't you go in, huh? Scared to get your tail chomped?"

"What about you, then!" the other immediately bit back: "If you're so brave, go ahead!"

"Of course I won't, I'm not built for recognition! We should send in Reidak for this - nothing can kill that brute, anyways."

"And where is he?" Vezok asked.

"What sort of question is that!"

Then Thok hushed.

"I have no idea." he admitted finally.

Hakann howled a guffaw: "Great job on the detective skills! You wouldn't notice a Manas crab if it was charging at you!"

"Oh, shut your trap! Where's Avak, then, huh? Do you know that?"

"Of course I do!" and after a quick turning of his head left and right, the red Skakdi tried to save his hide by declaring, with the arrogance of someone trying to cover a mistake: "Not here, clearly!"

"Ah, well, aren't you observant!"

"Get off my back, he's a different deal! We could lose him in a shallow pool with how tiny he is!"

"Quit your yapping," Zaktan hissed suddenly. "I hear something."

The other three swarmed him immediately.

There was indeed a sound coming from within the nook. It was cavernous, and intermittent, with a rumbling cadence typical of something very large and (for now) relaxed. Perhaps it had heard their bickering and was warning them? No, that seemed unlikely; but at the same time, they couldn't quite rule out that possibility.

This sounded like something to be handled by someone near indestructible... Or with the right cage always at the ready.

Where were those two idiots when you needed them?

Vezok, with his animalistic strength and dim wits, was the best next thing, the other three reasoned. But before they could order him around he had already shoved them further into the nook, blocking off the exit with his big dumb head.

"Safety in numbers," he growled; caught between two beasts as they were, his associates decided it would be wiser not to argue.

It wasn't a long trip, but it certainly felt like it.

The little entrance opened into a short tunnel heading for another somewhat wider opening; now added to the grumbling groans growing louder with every inch they swam forward was another sound, a little softer but equally as insistent, warped by the water as well, probably belonging to a second unseen creature.

This kind of news tends not to be very warmly welcomed when one is scouting uncharted caverns. And yet, though they were certainly not happy to hear it, they couldn't shake off a strange feeling of familiarity about it.

There was just something about it - and the rumbling too, it reminded them of something, but where could they have heard anything like that? It seemed so natural, like, like...

They made themselves as flat as they could against the ground and walls, and peeked through the opening at last.

The scene was... Well.

To anybody else, it would have been rather puzzling.

Reidak was growling up a storm, lips pulled around his impressive chompers in a large square frame, otherwise almost immoble aside from a few quick jolts every now and them; swimming around him in short bursts, Avak busied himself biting everywhere across his spine, gnawing at his angular spikes and chin like a properly furious eel desperate to tear the skin off its prey.

Any other being would have rightfully assumed they were having some kind of silent argument, or maybe some specific fighting ritual not particularly well known outside of Zakaz, and concluded that losing a limb to part them was not worth the risk; being the former Piraka properly brought up Skakdi, however, they were intimately aware of what was indeed going on, and to say they were embarrassed beyond bewilderment would have been an understatement. To put things into perspective, they would have gladly gone back into the Shadowed One's employ if that could have somehow immediately teleported them away from the scene they were bearing witness to.

It distinctly didn't help that right as they thought that Reidak reared his big ugly head to lazily chomp on Avak's cheek, eliciting a similarly loud and fond growl from the smaller being.

Between their difference in height and the Stone Skakdi's vague thagomizer, they looked like some weird parody of a typical pair coming from some upside down version of Zakaz where the females were tinier and males much larger.

They were necking.

And Great Spirit knew how little their associates wanted to see that.

The four unfortunate Skakdi tried to slink away, to leave that little disgusting lovenest and forget all about this experience; alas they all had the same idea at the same time, which resulted in them smacking their tough skulls right against one another, producing a terrifying rockus akin to a dozen pots and pans carelessly being launched onto a tinfoil roof.

Certainly, in another situation, this woul have led to some kind of infinite argument with plenty of physical retaliation.

In this situation, however, they instead became very aware of the fact that the two gross sweethearts had immediately hushed and were peering directly into their souls with the sort of gazes that would make a Takea shark feel deeply unsafe.

Hakann suddenly felt a great void around himself.

He glanced at his sides: the other three Piraka had mysteriously vanished while he'd been petrified.

Sons of a--

Next thing he knew he had been chased out of the nook with Avak clamped around his head in an attempt to crush his skull between his teeth while prattling in a shrill muffled voice (mouth still full of Fire Skakdi) something about not having a moment of privacy in this blasted fountain.

He would have certainly ended up exploding like a watermelon between a pair of muscular enough thighs if Reidak hadn't swam up to his beartrap-mouthed partner and knocked Hakann out of his invincible bite. Granted, the impact had enough force to smack him right into the fountain floor where he formed a small crater, but he'd take a mild concussion over being turned into the two halves of a delicious freshly split open coconut.

His vision swam for a few moments as he tried to get his bearings again. By the time sight came back to him, two pairs of glowering eyes were squashing him against the ground.

"Liked what you saw?" Reidak growled - no longer in the amorous tone he'd reserved for the Stone Skakdi's affection.

"No," Hakann peeped: "Not at all."

"Then you'll keep your ugly mug out of our business, now?" Avak hissed, so cose he could almost still feel his teeth clenched around his temples.

The red armored being nodded hastily.

"All four of you?"

He nodded even harder.

A second later he was flung away, almost directly out of the water, and the other two Skakdi watched him hurry as far away from their nook as his fishy body would allow him to swim.

The Earth Skakdi huffed, piqued: "The nerve of some beings..."

"I bet it was Kotu," the other snarled as he paced back and forth. "That nosy little thing - I saw her, you know! I bet she told them there was some treasure or other... Ah, next time I catch her--!"

"You should put her in an airtight ball," his partner suggested: "So we can knock her in the fountain and toss her between ourselves."

The thought tore a hysterical cackle out of Avak as he contorted in time with his own guffaws, spirits definitely lifted: "Ha! Ha, now that's an idea! Wouldn't that be a sight! That little prankster wailing and crying, smacking her mask all over the prison while we throw her about... Oh, that'd be payback, alright!"

Reidak chuckled hard while curling around him; the smaller being's thin spine fit perfectly within black spikes shaped like square brackets, letting the two snuggle like a pair of vicious water snakes locked in a fight to the death.

A quick chomp around his third eye-like lump on his forehead brought the larger of the two back from his nuzzling haze.

His grin turned sharp, his eyes squinting at Avak in an awfully dangerous manner: "Ah?" he only drawled, letting his cavernous voice ripple through the water.

The Stone Skakdi bristled - exactly like he used to bristle back before their mutation whenever Reidak would come just a little too close to him, shaking his spine hard and subtly swinging his thagomizer to convince the other he was a enough of a threat to be left well alone, or else; but this felt a little more performative, like some kind of invitation instead of a 'keep out' sign, especially with that nervous smirk accompanying the motion, and his tardiness in trying to escape, only making a move when his tail was already mellowly held between his Earth companion's big jaws.

"You think you're smart, uh?" Reidak chuckled.

"Smarter than your ugly mug, for certain!" Avak bit back, and gnawed at his forehead again.

He laughed as his tail was yanked with a muffled: "Why, I oughta--!"

"You oughta what? Teach me a lesson?"

"Are you mocking me, you Fikou?"

"So what if I was?"

"Oh, that's it then," and as they wrestled playfully, biting each other silly between gross ugly chuckles, they began yanking one another back into their not too secret little nook. "Let's settle this like proper Skakdi, eh?..."

[sugar-omi]

i love your baxter posts sm i think you capture his character So well its wonderful fhdkfh theres a lot of talk about baxter and an mc that date and break up in step 3, but what if when baxter asks mc out, they want to say yes but state that they dont think itd be a good idea since he's only staying for the summer? They're very aware that he will be gone once summer ends and they don't want to get even closer with him just to have it end. Im curious what baxter would think, having an mc that fully accepts the fact that he's going to leave their life for good when he leaves Sunset Bird. Just a thought i've had for a little while!

ok im ngl its probably very ooc but i can also see it still being very true to his character bc i think that (especially if you date baxter in step 3 (n marry cove)) baxter regrets letting you go and no matter if you date or not, and he imagines what life could've been like if he didn't cut you off at the end of summer. ANYWAY I HOPE YOU LIKE IT <333 this hurt to write but fuck it made my brain tingle n i always end up writing the most delicious angst

tags : Angst (with/without happy ending), step 3 & 4 scenarios, baxter yearns for reader, option for baxter to have a big crush on you, multiple choice dialogue, requited love, unrequited love

(there's 2 options, one where you and baxter date, and another where you marry cove but baxter having feelings for you is up to you but is most preferred/implied)

synopsis : you reject baxter. how does he react?

he's grateful you're so aware, it makes it easier for when he does leave.

but as he gets to know you better over the summer, baxter starts to crush on you hard, and now he's very conflicted...

on one hand, he's glad you didn't date. he couldn't bear the idea of having to reject you, especially if you asked him to come back or keep seeing you.

but on the other, he sees the way you slide up to cove and tease him, the way you slot your hands together with Miranda and pull her into a dance under the sprinklers...

no matter how he feels, he accepts it easily, and he laughs off your rejection and even thanks you for your understanding, and it's like nothing ever happened.

but sometimes he thinks about what if. like when you fingers touch, or you're laughing, and that mischievous sparkle comes to your eyes and he wonders about what it'd be like if he could kiss that expression off your have and trade it for a flustered one.. but you both know it's nothing he can allow to continue outside of this one and only summer in sunset bird.

and even though he's glad you are so willing to let him go when the summer ends, baxter regrets not being able to let him be someone important, or at least be a common staple in someones life besides being the weird-monochrome-neighbor renting a condo for the summer.

he ends up hurting himself this way, and when he's staring the the ceiling of his temporary home he has regrets.

but in the morning he lets himself fall to the sidelines and tries to make himself a blurry figure in the memories of that summer...

when you meet again and start dating, he's glad you rejected him then. he doesn't think his 19 year old self could have handled pulling away from you. your affection is so tender, you're very gentle with him but firm in how much you love him. and one night he thanks you for rejecting him, and he feels high with the way your laugh shakes his head laying on your chest. "it would've filled me with double the regret to break up with you if we did..."

when you meet again, and he sees how you are with cove while planning your wedding, baxter sees why cove is so clingy with you. you look at him with tender eyes, and you grip his hand in excitement when you have your final session. even he's teary-eyed while you exchange vows, it moves him. but when the final chair is packed up and when baxter walks into his dark apartment. no one is waiting on the couch. no one is creeping down the hall with a sleepy call of his name... he wants what you have with cove. + maybe he even wants that with you.

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

ayup mates, its me (that one fucking guy that shows up in your fever dreams to offer you garlic bread then fucks off into the void) (i think you need to get a therapist btw)

Call me dots or dot (not correct but when saying something belongs to me you use "dot's". idk why don't ask me)

My cara page (for art): https://cara.app/ihavedotsinmybrain

They/them she/her it/its ( welcome to the mad lab we do experiments with the funny goofy hjinks with the genders here)

TAG GUIDE : my art (self explanatory), dot's thoughts (mad ramblings) (extra note, there are two versions of dot's thoughts, the other one is with the phone version of ' so you can go look for that if you wanna see me posting from outside the comfort of my room and computer), dot’s travel journal (me on holiday), my persona (obviously just my persona) *prone to updates

dumbass who likes to draw ocs and shit. (posts like there is no tomorrow but also like i have all the time in the world) (oc x canon stuff also) (some fanart ig)

if you wanna find my (mostly serious) art, check out @dots-in-my-head (send me asks and dms on this blog) also i have started putting fandom stuff there too so if you want to get my fandom doodles you can look to there as well

still questioning sexuality but currently aro/ace? (idk i'm not in a rush lol) (i WILL dabble in the arts of questioning me sexuality on internet if you got problems with that shoo)

my loveley husband (@octoxxt, pls ignore this blog dude its embarrassing)

why do you need to know my age, ‘you a cop?

will not draw smut or NSFW bcs i will start howling with racous laughter and melt. (i don;t even read smut in fic dude what do expect me to be able to draw im a cartoonish obviously anime style inspired semi-realism but not really shitty doodle artist you put your hopes too high if you think i can draw a dick without making it look like a piece of middle school desk graffiti)

i've got a bit of a dirty mouth but everything is pretty vanilla . (i make edgy dumb jokes sometimes, but it's not my actual personality peace 'n love on planet earth okay) (any time i say i wanna kms IT IS A JOKE) (most of my posts are /srs i will mark it if its a joke i know the pain of not knowing if it was a funny joke or not i gotchu other autistic peeps)

please talk to me god i am lonely (i am serious about this i love it when people rb and scream in the tags it genuinely makes my day) (send me asks send measkssendmeaskssendmeasks—)

Absolute art machine(whether the art is good or not is a big question that i am not ready to answer) makes shitty animations sometimes idk.

Uses lol too much. Chinese, knows mandarin (translate the random messages for maximum brain damage) i don't know simplified but i do know traditional (please talk to me i need to practice my chinese reading skills) am i a furry? idk but if you're mad about it you can fuck right off (i have a couple ocs and my darling fursona)

am currently inbetween fandoms, fandoms i am (kind of) active in are hetalia, scp, dnd, genshin, pjo, bg3, apothecary diaries, jrwi riptide and csm (list is prone to updating because fandom is my support system) (you wont see my art for most of them but the brainworms are there and sometimes i let them take over)

old fandoms or the fandoms i lurk in (i visit them often): eddsworld, demon slayer, pokemon, vocaloid and wof. (also prone to updates as i remember stuff)

note : i am still in school and have a life outside the internet so stuff will be delayed (which is why i am only kind of active) (i go missing sometimes i am not dead life is just lifing for me)

Do not say anything about how cringe I am I know trust me (it’s a coping mechanism lol)

if you're concerned, you're very right to be. I am very incoherent (most of my life updates have actually devolved into cries for help, please talk to me)

also if you don't like my art or ships just leave(any critique about anything i make shoots a bazooka straight into my heart and behind the screen i crumble into a cartoonish pile of ashes and bones as i stare at the screen blurred by tears) (unless I ask for critique then i brought this on myself and i’ll walk it off don't worry)

(Both of my personas)

My flags (might be updated)

[danvillecheese]

why do u think act ur age is fucked

[cracks knuckles] alright. essay time. you asked for it.

I’ve done a similar response to this before here and mentioned something else about it here but I’ll go over it again since those posts are both from a while ago. also bear in mind I haven’t seen aya recently bc I don’t like it. okay let’s get into it

[also im gonna preface this saying maybe i sound very pessimistic but im ranting and its just gonna sound like im complaining because i am. i mean no real malice by the way. im simply a person with a blog.]

first off. they don’t use the show don’t tell as well as they could. in the what might have been montage, sure, they showed potential scenarios and how phineas felt (very briefly) when isa stopped visiting his backyard but it just feels so rushed. I get that they only had like 11 minutes to show it but idk there has to be another way to write it. or just not have it at all idk its just from a writing point of view the whole episode feels rushed and out of place from everything else continuity-wise. why not use little easter eggs planted in the show beforehand? operation crumbcake? pharmacists? meapless in seattle? god theres so many episodes with evidence that phineas liked her back even if he didnt know. just. continuity!!!!

second. why did their friends not try something sooner. it’s not like they didn’t know. like phineas seems to be okay with saying “i wish! i am so in the friend zone there” in front of his friends (that quote alone makes me lose my shit but that’s a whole other point) so clearly they knew about phineas. and isabella also wasn’t quiet about it (source: pnf s1-4). they had like four years of high school to do something and they planned it the day isa left for college? nah its just the least realistic thing ever for me. also them being 18 is like yeah okay maybe the slow burn was worth it and theyre way more grown up (i love a good slowburn) but ohhhhhh my god SURELY their friends were getting sick of them dancing around each other. just me?

third. and I’m sorry to ash simpson but oh my god I hate the character designs like They Would Not Fucking Look Like That. it almost feels like it completely disregards their arcs during the original summer. like yeah child chub disappears over ur teen years but sometimes it stays a little longer! make phineas less twiggy!! make isa look more like her mother! (am i about to redesign them again? whoops)

four. and i know this is no fault of dan and swampy but the show was about to end anyways and yet the entire friend group was paired off into hetero ships?? get fucking real. none of those kids are straight. realistically, i know it was a different time and gay marriage wasnt even legal in the us yet so it wasnt all that common to have queer romance on screen let alone on disney channel but like i said, the show was about to end. what were the disney channel execs gonna do? cancel it? lmao

five. "I am so in the friend zone there." "we are guys. we do not talk about our feelings." WHAT!!! i cant believe this shit is real. these lines of dialogue are canon. what the hell. what kind of message does that even send to younger, impressionable viewers? if ur a 10 year old boy watching that (ok fine maybe that isnt gonna stick with you forever but listen) and you go 'oh its okay to just bottle everything up and not tell my friends about my feelings about anything ever' that is insane! thats not how things should go!! like i get the whole "im so in the friend zone" and yes, this also has to do with the era but like if they wanted to be a more progressive cartoon that kids look up to and enjoy maybe they just. shouldn't have put that whole conversation in.

i barely have any problems with the b plot. in fact id watch the episode just for the kazoo solo. because that plot lines up with the continuity. i can totally see heinz having bowling night with perry and carl and monogram every week! i can totally see perry and monogram retired! and carl running owca and getting payed for it! that all checks out! that one makes sense and works with the canon! if they got that plot so right how did they get the a plot so wrong?

i can answer this question: fanservice. its an awful word, i know. act your age is a fanservicey episode which is why i think it crashed and burned. mml season 2 is rooted in the same issue: doof is very present and takes away from the original plot of the show. like, the one he wasnt even in until the last episode of s1. slightly getting off topic but it is the crux of the issue. fanservice doesnt make for good storytelling. even if it brings in the big bucks. at its core, telling the story the way it should be told is the best one. even if it pisses people off. a good portion of the viewers will still appreciate whatever ending the creators come up with. and no, im not saying phinbella shouldn't have become canon, in fact i really like the ship and all their dynamics, i just think they went about it the wrong way.

as someone who's written and published fic about them getting together in different universes (granted, they were from when i was younger so its mildly terrible. take them with a grain of salt) there are a lot of other ways to tell that story canonically. honestly, i think the best way of doing it was to keep it ambiguous. dont tell that story. let the viewers pick their own ending for phineas and isabella. maybe they dont get together after all. who knows!

thanks for the ask! hope you had fun getting lectured <3

[cerealmonster15]

ok. a few years ago like in 2021 or something my friend and made some twst ship fankids and then i kept making more. three of them are hers i think so i will specify the, but i drew this specific stupid little map to keep track of whatevers going on here. no real plot or anything just concepts that i wanted to make a chart for. a multiverse i guess. dont worry about it dont think to hard about it. also the names were just based off the ship names for funsies lol they werent like fully developed or anything oK ANYWAY a brief explanation of each kid under the cut!

so it started with jamil/azul/idia actually. the other guys just kept spawning later lol uhh lemme see what i can remember.

and i had a second image where i'd drawn arrows on top of who is full siblings vs half siblings vs cousins but it was too tangled and also i forgot a bunch of arrows anyway so fsdlkjfjdskl i just left it out so if i sound like im referencing a forbidden second image and forgot to edit out that talk just. that's why lol.

ummm so i believe azeal, azidia, and treya-da were the ones my friend came up with, and i made everyone else lol. we did a little art of them early on but i dont wanna go find or post those 🤸‍♀️ umm also some of them are girls, we just ignore the fact that nrc is an all boy school cuz who give a shit. anyway heres what i remember:

jazzy-zu: she/her, first one i made i think, jamil/azul child. takes more after jamil in terms of athleticism- actually wait i remember we had a stats web chart somewhere too but i dont remember where that is and i dont feel like looking for it lol but i think jazzy was like, high energy and sporty, and has purple hair like azul [deeper purple maybe idr] and tan skin like jamil. i think shes a lil less academic maybe. more of a jock. her overblot i think was a snake hair ponytail + red eyes + fangs + tentacles bc shes also a half mermaid in general. she was maybe more of a prankster schemer and was my fave of the ones i made lol. i debated savanaclaw or scarabia for her but tbh thinking about it now i think savanaclaw is the way to go.

azeal [my friend's character]: he/him, the other azul/jamil kid. i think he was more azul energy and kinda posh lol. less athletic but maybe did fencing? i think the thing with him and jazzy-zu was he didnt like team sports like she does lol. he's in pomefiore. he maybe wanted world domination but i dont really remember. also an octomerman i think

jammi-dia: he/him, jamil/idia's kid. he's got more of a punk aesthetic and is into robotics i think? i remember drawing him with one of those custom furbys so i think he had more of a creative side. i think he was more intellectual and less athletic. i dont remember if he skateboards or if im making that up lol [there were more stats besides athletic and intelectual i just forget what they were lmao. social was probably another. i think generally none of these kids were very good at social skills tho]. he's in ignihyde so yea i guess he was the robotics boy. he maybe also had world domination plans but i also dont remember skdjfljdskl it was him and/or azeal.

Azidia [my friend's character]: she/her, an idia/azul kid. i dont remember as much about her, but i think she was a schemer. she's in ignihyde. was SHE the world domination character?? i swear there was at least one. possibly multiple. octomermaid.

idizu: he/him, i think he was the youngest of the ones currently mentioned so like first year age? i forget how old the others were but they're all within the first thru third year range. idizu was way more jittery like azul and into his robotics as well; i think he was kind of like a sidekick sometimes for either jammi-dia or azeal but i forgot which one lol. idk why i debated his dorm of ignihyde vs octavinelle bc i just think of ignihyde for him. octomerman. i think he was tiny and had like bright pinkish purple hair.

mallow: she/her, cater/idia kid. lol. i think this was the last one i made. i believe she/her. i cant remember why i drew her with pointy ears, hence the question mark 🤔 lol i dont think i developed her much bc she came much later but i had reopened the chart bc i was like WHY DONT I HAVE A CATER/IDIA KID IN THERE, but i forgot most of what i said about her. her name is a reference to marshmallows but dont worry about it, it's a very specific convo train between my friend and me that is cater/idia related but i just dont have time to get into it!!! anyway i think she was kinda like. not very social. a lot like idia but i dont remember what her caterisms were. SAD. i guess i put her in ignihyde.

KJ: i think he/him? kj bc it sounds like cayjay and he's the cater/jade kid lol. freak behavior. gets in your space and interrogates you very bluntly. kind of intimidating i think but maybe that was just cuz hes weird. i guess i went with octavinelle, thats where the shady ones go... i think i drew him once in merman form specifically as a wolf eel bc theyre bright orange, but actually just now i googled and the fangtooth moray is decently orange as well, jade is a moray, and cater described his own tooth as a fang tooth so maybe im overwriting the canon lol.

trey-daa [friend's character]: she/her, the trey/jade kid. was actually one of the first few made as well and was the only one that broke out of the azul/jamil/idia containment for a while until i thiiiink either kj or catie spawned. she's an eel mermaid and i think she had the combined energy of jade's smiling threats and trey's genuine care, so she was like Unsettling Levels of Hello Beloved Sibling And/Or Cousin Do You Need Me To Poison Your Enemies For You or something like that lol. heartslabyul apparently!

catie: she/her, trey/cater kid. like the only other human besides jammi-dia and mallow lol bc everyone else on this chart is HALF FISH!!! she was calmer than most of them. normiecore. she i think has a baking youtube channel to channel her parents hobbies. i think i defaulted to putting her in heartslabyul but i CANNOT REMEMBER why i have that potential octavinelle in there??? i drew her and kj hanging out once. she's friendly and probably the nicest of the group without hidden schemes lol.

tomaya: i do not remember the pronouns of this child. maybe she? idk. riddle/floyd kid made i think just bc my friend and i were like the popular tweel ships are trey/jade and floyd/riddle so we gotta have the cousin duo. i think tomaya's thing was that she(?) was like, polar opposite to her parents. floyd and riddle are kinda both really intense people so tomaya was more sleepy and reeeaaally chill. it took me a minute to remember why bc i first remembered one of the only times i drew tomaya was like, yawning and holding a pillow, and i was sitting here like "huh silvers not on this chart so why- OH YEAH to be an ironic different vibe lol". i dont know why we picked heartslabyul for her.

THAT'S IT but also. if i had space perhaps i would now add a riddle/azul kid. maybe even a jamil/riddle kid. get more riddle in here he's only got one!!! but if you leave me alone with characters too long i WILL find seven thousand combos to pair them in fjklsdjfkljKLJFKDLGJ ok anyway. um. spirals. maybe next time will be my caterella chart ok bye!!!!

[meowsticmarvels]

hello mcsm community. this is a repost of a long ass twitter thread i made so i apologize in advance if its formatted weird (and sort of disorganized). but heres some of my Thoughts and analysis on radar. i have much more to say than just this of course but HERE WE GO! radar insaneposting tumblr edition. long post incoming (i worked very hard on this)

ANYWAYS!

- he idolizes the new order and puts them on a pedestal above himself a bit. i mean from some dialogue it's clear he doesn't have the highest opinion of himself but he treats the new order smiliarly to how they felt about the old order in thw wither storm arc

- i have mentioned this several times but the "prison radar" thing definitely comes across to me as him trying to overcompensate (and mimic those he sees as "strong" like petra and jack) sort of. like if you contextualise it with how a lot of the characters called him weak an episode prior and it definitely seemed to have an impact on him its like. yeah. especially being thrown into a situation like w/ the sunshine institute and the whole iron breathtaker thing that has Got to fuck you up. idk i jusy see a lot of people take that at face value like "oh look he's being silly" when it comes across to me as more like insecurity ig?

- hes so autism its unreal

but yeah the whole thing kinda fucks him up

ig the only thing thay kinda bothers me is that arc doesnt feel finished. and also jesse can ENCOURAGW him to act like someone hes not??? OH AND. id like to point out this thing also involves him trying to break his own strict patterns which is p interesting to me. by this i mean the "disregard my bedtime! break whatever rules I feel like! within reason!" he seems to feel that in order to become stronf he has to be like. less caring of the rules w/e but the "within reason" line and the fact that he dislikes things being disorganized still is like. he doesnt Want to act like this. he doesnt seem to like thag but he feels iys the only way he can be strong and adapt to such a lifethreatening situation (to act like someone he clearly isnt)

another point id like to make is his relationship with Stella. it isnt really explored past this one scene in episode 2 of s2 but god there's a lot to unpack here

"you'll never change" - has stella... always been like this?  even when radar worked under her (which HAS to be at least a year before s2 bc apparently he's been working for jesse for about a year)

 also she calls him a "quitter" which. 1. has a negative connotation meaning that she Does Not Approve of him leaving 2. implies he quit of his own accord. this isn't normal former boss/former employee interaction though something definitely happened. like theyre both Weirdly Hostile and this is never brought up again....... ehat happened.

also "he doesn't even know how to use a sword" this part stuck out to me but Considering this thing i noticed a few months ago about how the mcsm world is very. survival oriented and people who can slay powerful monsters (i.e. old order) are looked at with high respect. so basically she's calling him weak here which is. Huh. also "you don't know anything" girl what happened.... why does radar feel he has to prove himself like that...

"id be careful about counting on him for anything" what did she mean by this. did radar fuck up in some way unintentionally and it pissed stella off or something??? because something clearly happened and im very sad this is never explored further bc this is a fucking interesting plot point.

also. the last image...... this is so fucking interesting regarding radar as a character because it does actually provide context for the whole prison radar thing. like holy shit this says a lot. the first line kinda shows his insecurity already. he's aware people don't believe in him and think he's weak and a coward, but he's going to try anyway. he feels he has to prove himself kinda.. like "you'll see! i can do it watch!" and considering his behavior in this episode it shows. he's overcompensating for that fear and trying to prove that he can be enough to make a difference. especially shown by how he reacts when "Vos" tells him he's not up for the task. he's trying, it isn't enough, so he decides to mimic his heroes and pretend to be someone he isn't (which... unfortunately half the cast doesn't take seriously)

the second line proves my points more. "im not the person she thinks i am anymore" raises a lot of questions on what happened ofc but there's also the "I can be different. Braver. If that's what the situation requires... I'll do it." and guess what! he *does* do that! a combination of pressure from people telling him that he can't do it and he'd just get hurt in the process and is too weak and cowardly to really do much + the stress of the situations he's thrust into seems to sort of catalyze his decision to put on the "prison radar" persona and pretend to mimic his heroes and act strong to not only make a difference and mean something but also to survive The Horrors . but he doesn't want to do this, that isn't who he is as a person, moreso what he feels he has to do. also thinking of pne line where he says something abojt the "incredible misery in the world crushing down on you". like this is a random throwaway line?? clearly the entire situation of s2 is Getting to him but he never really gets to Express that

now ofc like i mentioned this arc is in no way perfect. it's fucking interesting but it feels unresolved and forgotten by episode 5 along with the other characters completely ignoring the fact that that isn't who he is along with jesse even praising that in some dialogue options. like the writing of this kinda confuses me because everything radar says and feels up to that point implies that it's a façade built to be what others want him to be and as a stress response but some later things kinda treat the way he acts as a Good Thing and like ???? like i get it if they wanted to do the "being more courageous" arc sure. fine. but this doesn't seem like it was simply written as that. he does Not usually act like how he does during the "prison radar" thing and its just never addressed. which fucks me up bc this is personally one of my favorite character arcs of mcsm due to how complicated and insane it is + hes one of my favorite characters ever and i relate to his issues a lot but instead thw writings kinda ????? but yeah. its always bothered me really but to be Fair mcsm was hit by a lot of budget cuts that affected the plot like dont even get me started on the scrapped assistant to the warden who sesms to be meant to be the antithesis to radar kind of... and im p sure some episodes had different writers. so yeah this sucks but it isnt gonna piss me off that bad I just wish his arc was handled a bit differently. might potentially write something or w/e about this but anyways if you read this entire thread 1. you're insane 2. we do a little trolling. follow me mcsm truthers

original tweet thread here: https://twitter.com/rival_trevor/status/1659130820999753730?s=20

[jovianjournal]

March 2024

Should i just do one big post for novels and comics at the same time? Anyway, here's the novels i read in march, mostly SFF plus one romcom

Uprooted -- Naomi Novik, French translation by Benjamin Kuntzer

A young woman is sent to the local wizard's tower as a yearly tribute (or something like that) where she learns magic and try to discover why the forest is being weird. Very long and frankly a little boring, i had pretty high expectations and i was a bit disappointed. At first it seemed right up my alley, there were some blue beard, dark fantasy vibes... that kind of went nowhere tbh. most of the characters are extremely annoying (although i did like Agniezka as a protagonist! and her friend Kasia. it could have been gay... it should have been gay!!) and the plot felt stretched out for no reason. But i did enjoy the old folk tale aesthetic, the magic system based around rhymes was beautiful.

*

A Study in Drowning -- Ava Reid

A college student is sent to a crumbling mansion by the sea for an architecture project, alongside her academic rival, mystery ensues. The vibes were perfect, the rising sea, the damp air, the raging storm, water everywhere. I have one complain tho: I spent the Whole Goddamn Book SCREAMING at the characters "why aren't you checking this One Thing???" and as soon as they did check this one thing the mystery was resolved. so that was a little annoying.

Overall I really liked this book, i'd recommend it if you're into Dark Academia, A House as A Character, and metaphors about sexist and sexual violence. Also the writing is really pretty! i want to read other books by this author.

*

The Mars House -- Natasha Pulley

disclaimer: i love Natasha Pulley So. Much. she is probably my fav author currently, and i am very aware that she tends to always write the same book, but listen : i am autistic and i like knowing what im getting into and knowing that im going to like a story before investing the time in it.

That Being Said, i have two and a half pages of notes in my journal that boil down to "i didn't like this book as much as i hoped :/". This is a sci-fi story about immigration and xenophobia where one of the main character is a martian right-wing politician and also there's some Gender Stuff in martian society that felt a little terfy? (which is weird bc basically in this book Martian society has Abolished Gender). I still adored this book! i'd wholeheartedly recommend it! the writing is spectacular, i loved the characters, the worldbuilding is super interesting, there's fun tragic irony where you know what's going on while the characters don't, there's fricking Mammoths. Read it, and then read The Watchmaker of FIligree Street, and then read the Kingdoms, and then read all of her other books.

*

Ariah -- B. R. Sanders

I don't know how to describe this book. A 400-page character study about a Pretty Annoying Guy? I think i picked it up bc i was looking for books with polyam relationships and that's why i powered all the way through it. I actually don't remember much about the plot. It's a high fantasy story, the main character has mind powers he has trouble controlling, he's kind of a dick to his lovers, every time something important happens the narration completely glosses over it. Reading over my notes, i did like the last part of the story, and the happy end felt deserved. don't have much more to say.

*

Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake -- Alexis Hall

Alexis Hall is another one of my comfort authors, im slowly getting through their bibliography. this one was okay! it's a great british bake off fan fiction, it was fun (but not as good as the Stucky fanfic). good banter, tropey plot. averages to and okay book.

[ericstoltz]

life update!!

i finally have some free time and havent properly posted something in so long so i thought id write up something!

first of all i want to say that ive successfully fixed my bingewatch problem in late january!! i hate to say it, but seeing how many movies i saw last year in my letterboxd wrapped really concerned me 🫤 i wanted to make an effort to make use of my time properly (after starting a new job and all) and i thought i wont let myself waste time bingeing horrible b-movies just so i can bump up the percent watched in someones filmography (its kinda tricky doing it so i made a resolution to only watch movies which interests me if i want to see more of someone)

with that said, i ended up not watching anything on weekdays and eventually think that staring at my phone for more than an hour wasnt my thing anymore (at least in the context of doing it EVERYDAY). so that may be one of the reasons why the turnaround for my hyperfixations got slower (which i think is good!).

ALSO, i do want to mention that because ive been watching less films recently i initially thought it would be great for my gif making hobby since i wont feel the pressure of wanting to gif so many movies at one sitting. i tried this in early feb and.. well... lets just say that it takes time for my very old laptop to make gifs (i had it since college during the pandemic so it was really used!). i only screen record scenes i want to gif because i hate having to wait to download AND even if i had hq clips it would take my laptop so long to render. so making something lq and having to wait 30mins just for a single gif wasnt doing it for me (bcs i said i wanted to make more use of my time).. so thats the reason why i havent posted anything lately (I REALLY REALLY wanted to make a gifset of josh whitehouse in valley girl but the quality just ended up stressing me 🫠)

and for my last update, as u can tell from my reblogs on queue, i just saw daisy jones and the six and LOVE josh whitehouse and he really got me playing the guitar again 😭😭 (i still think its a miracle!!!). ive been practicing some old pieces i used to perform when i was in high school during my 5-9's and i just had a bizzare idea of getting into the piano. i only ever played classical before, so i always had a problem doing improvs. i spent some time looking at videos on youtube and found out improvs on the piano were waay easier to play and understand, so im gonna buy a keyboard very very soon (which im so excited for)!!!! learning how to do jazz improvs on keys would probably be my new hobby and making gifs would probably be back until i get a new laptop (which at the moment is very low priority 🥲)

SO THERES THAT! Now heres an audit trail of my jan-feb hyperfixations!

still on a tom blyth high since late december 2023

dom sessa: after watching the holdovers (seriously this time)

sam claflin: i wanted to get out of the coriolanus blackhole so i ended up reading finnick odair fics 😭😭 i found out he was the lead in daisy jones and the six so i watched that! my hyperfixation didnt last tho!! i have love rosie on my watchlist but got side tracked bcs of... *drum roll*

JOSH WHITEHOUSE -i find it crazy how most of my hyperfixations are englishmen. but yes. my sweet pookie. i love him. i will try not to talk much bcs if i start i wont stop. but tldr i didnt binge his filmography so i was on his youtube channel for quite some time and spent 15mins a day there... thats maybe the reason i got into playing the guitar again? love his music videos AND love how he plays flamenco. i play classical on the guitar and am a tarrèga girl so i never bothered to learn flamenco (tarrèga hated it) . but knowing just that made me want to at least remember some pieces i used to play just so i can play again... THEN i found out he has a new movie coming up with...

malcolm mcrae: ngl his pretty face caught my eye (special shoutout to anya! literally the power couple)... my first thoughts were like 'ohh i wonder what his character is like in triton'. but then i found out hes in a band SO i was thinking ok hes in a movie w josh so theres probably gonna be something music in it. i then looked up his band and love their songs!! theyre only a duo which i think is p strong (u dont need that many ppl in a band rly!) and i watched some interviews they had too!

KANE RITCHOTTE: my babygirl. my darling. idk what to say abt him. his songs with malcolm are always so magical. ive been playing gods in the details on repeat since early feb. hes my favorite more* member. the literal musical god. im praying hell sing more songs. ALSO i was suprised he did a cameo in daisy jones and the six with malcolm (they were the one who taught some of them how to play their instruments!! i was in awe bcs malcolm was the literal billy dune. LIKE sam claflin really copied his playing style which is so neat!!)

thats all!! thanks so much if uve read up until this point ily and pls lmk what uve been up to as well 🫶

take care <3

[borom1r]

hmmm 3, 5, 6, 11, 14, 20, 22, 26, 38, 40 for the fun questions meme <3

ooooooo ok these’ll b inchresting :3

3- 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

th lotr trilogy (duh), I Saw the TV Glow, The Last Unicorn :3

5- what made you start your blog?

THIS blog? suicide bait on my old blog :3

tumblr in general? a friend showed it to me in high school n i made one n my life was irreversibly changed lmfao

6- what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

ATTENTION. double edged sword. like ok i try not to let myself care abt attention and try to be rlly careful now abt who i interact with but at the same time it rlly is validating when things Get Attention. some of my favorite fics have little to no engagement :( n like yea its not healthy to create FOR engagement (fast track 2 burnout) but its also like very disheartening to put time n effort n passion into sth only for it to fizzle out in the void

but whatever. ill make weird art forever

11- what do you consider to be romance?

THIS IS SO FUNNY 2 GET bc soooo much recently has made me reevaluate like. how I perceive this lollllll

anyways short answer: idfk man!!!!!!! close friendships n romance r incredibly cloudy in my mind cuz ive got a bad case of dogbrain!!

long answer is i just don’t quantify that stuff the way neurotypical ppl do :3 ties into th autism + nonhumanity. i also think cis ppl being attracted to me is gross lol. ideal romance for me is bein held n tended to like a noble knight tends their sword. I feel love like a dog feels abt their human!!! dogbrained!!! romance is being a guard dog, being a Really Good Boy but just soooo disconnected from like. idk allosexual/neurotypical quantifiers of “romance” for me lol

+ i don’t use th label rlly but im def somewhere on th ace spectrum lol like physical intimacy is only rlly “safe” conceptually when its completely disconnected from th realm of possibility. like thirsting over celebrities or like th knight i have a crush on. + cis ppl desiring me is rlly like.. ew 😒 don’t look @ me anymore man

14- what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

UM. funnily enough im gonna do th Big Thing this summer :3 im going 2 th renaissance festival shirtless this year now tht im post op

s’gonna be scary showin off my scars but i rlly wanna go all out n celebrate finally havin top surgery. like im alive!! despite everything im alive n im happy ^_^ so cis people be damned, im gonna run around like a lil wolfguy for the first weekend!!!!!

20- favourite things about the night?

i love the moon :3

i also love how still n quiet things get

22- say 3 things about someone you love

ITS SO BRAVE!!!!!!!!! ITS LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO PROUD OF IT FOR HOW MUCH WORK IT DOES TO BETTER OUR COMMUNITY N PROUD OF IT FOR PURSUING TRANSITION + CANT WAIT TO SHARE MORE TRANS JOY W/ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hiiiiiii Ly hehe!!)

26- fave colour and why?

when i was a kid my favorite colors were neon yellow n neon pink :3 they still kinda are but now i usually stick to like lime green or bright red paired w black. forest green + dark blue r gr8 too

38- fave song at the moment?

DONT ASK ME TO PICK JUST ONE???????

here r some I’ve had on loop lately: Far Away (Roadside Ghost), Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl (Broken Social Scene), I’m Already Gone (Baroness), Sex for Homework (MSI)

40- any bad habits?

oh yea i have dermatillomania lol

it doesn’t rlly bother me to talk abt bc i think “gross” stuff like that deserves to be less stigmatized— my shoulders n back are COVERRRRREED in little scars + scabs