#lol... probably cause it took me like 8 years to realize that shes just always gonna be like this

[ikyw-t]

hm realizing that this year marks a decade of me writing my own songs and how im actually for real for real going to finally post some music online this year... which is mostly very exciting bc i have nothing to lose.

but then also i can't help but think of two separate occasions when i was 14 or 15 and went to an open mic night with my twin sister and one of her friends and when she found out i had signed up to sing + play a couple of songs she literally left the coffee shop and walked all the way down the block rather than have to endure 10 minutes of my singing which.... feels almost comically overdramatic and atrocious but mostly just still makes me feel pretty shite lmao .... esp when i remember how when i had first started writing i would try to show her all of my writing which believe it or not she was also never once supportive about... lol anyway. just twin things ig!

[dis0rderly-cl0wn-nerd]

Crack A Smile and Cut Your Mouth

Ledger!Joker Origin Story

Chapter Four - Desert Sands

Warnings: Depiction of 9/11

Chapter Summary: The US goes to war with Afghanistan and Jack gets called for his first deployment.

Author’s Note: This one was again shorter than I wanted it to be 😔 I didn’t outline this part of the story (chapters 3-5) well enough so I’m kinda winging it here. I really really want to write the upcoming chapters but I have to actually get there in the story first lol. Also I realized that haven’t updated this fic since May so I’m gonna work extra hard to get more chapters done this month. It will be easy since I have the future chapters outlined pretty well. Anyway, as always enjoy! <3

Taglist: @alittlesmartcookie

If you would like to be added to the taglist please let me know! <3

< Previous - Next >

2 Years Later 

Coming back from his usual morning PT, Jack entered the main building, sweaty and almost out of breath. He was just about to turn and go back to his quarters when soldiers gathered by the TV in the front lobby grabbed his attention. They looked concerned about something.

What’s wrong with them?

 Raising an eyebrow, he walked towards the commotion curiously. As he looked up, the images he saw on the television shocked him.

“Breaking news. A plane has crashed into the North tower of the World Trade Center. As of right now, 8:52 am, we have very little information on this incident. We still don’t know the cause of the crash, how many are injured, the people on the ground, etc. Updates will be made as they come.”

There were many gasps and confused murmurs among the soldiers. Soon a commanding officer came out into the lobby to restore order. He instructed everyone to get back to their respective areas, causing the soldiers to snap out of their daze and scurry out of the room at his orders.

As the morning went by, more reports came in. Another plane hit the South tower. That was when it became clear that this was no accident. The next one struck the Pentagon and lastly a plane intended to strike the capital was reclaimed by the passengers and crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

Jack didn’t know what to think. The US was moved to defcon 3, which meant a state of readiness was put in place for all the military bases throughout the nation. Fort Benning was no different. 

Everyone on base was shaken. Even the more experienced soldiers who’d seen the worst of combat many many times were shook. Nothing like this had ever happened before and so close to home.

Uncertainty was in the air before, but now it was brewing ten times stronger. As the days passed, war was most definitely imminent.

…

One Month Later

Running his fingers through his hair, Jack let out a frustrated groan. He dialed his home phone number and waited anxiously for an answer. Finally his mother picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” Her meek voice answered.

“Mom?”

“Jack? Hi honey! How is everything?” 

“Uh, good right now. But I have some news.” 

He paused and took a breath. “I’m getting deployed in two weeks.” 

“Oh… Where?”

Jack bit his lip. “Afghanistan.”

“Oh God.” Jacqueline barely managed to choke out. 

She went quiet for a while and Jack could tell she was probably crying.

“For how long?” She finally asked.

“I don’t know. Nobody knows anything right now, Mom. It shouldn’t be more than a year though.” 

“Alright. Call me before you deploy. Be strong. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Mama.” 

They said their goodbyes and Jack hung up. He sighed, wanting to punch a wall. 

His duty called but that didn’t stop him from wanting nothing to do with this deployment. After a moment, he took a deep breath and composed himself.

This was his first deployment so he had no idea what to expect. He only had what people told him to go by. His mind was still processing the news that he was going since he was just informed this morning.

Man up, Jack. You signed up for this. It’s gonna be fine. Mom will be fine. 

One of the soldiers on Jack’s squad poked his head in the room. 

“Hey Napier, sergeant needs to see you.” He informed him.

“Okay. What for?” Jack asked as he walked towards the doorway.

The soldier shrugged. “I dunno. Probably more deployment stuff.” 

Jack nodded and the other guy departed. He sighed and started down the hall to go see what his sergeant wanted. 

…

Two Weeks Later

The hum of the aircraft’s engine buzzed in Jack’s ears as he gazed out the small window. The ocean below glimmered as the afternoon sun shone down. Jack had never flown before and even though the circumstances were bleak, he couldn’t help but admire the beauty beneath him.

Their destination was still several hours away so Jack was content to just sit and stare at the vast sea. Other soldiers were either sleeping or staring out the windows same as him. It was quiet inside the aircraft save for a few whispers here and there and the engines whirring. 

Jack couldn’t help but worry about his mother. A few days ago she visited Fort Benning to see him before he deployed. She looked so distraught, like any mother knowing their son was going into combat would. She gave him so many hugs and kisses that day. 

Jack thought it was a little much but he understood why she would be upset so he didn’t complain. He hugged her right back and assured her that he would be fine. After she left, his concern became more focused on her, not himself. 

Ever since he left home he worried about her. But this time not only was he away from home, he was out of the country. He couldn’t be there if something happened to her or if Scott did anything. That thought gave him more anxiety than his current situation.

Several long hours later, the sun was beginning to set and the base was in sight. The aircraft landed with a jolt and everyone began piling out, awaiting instruction.

Jack stretched, relieved from sitting for so long, and took in his surroundings. The landscape was nothing but sand for miles in every direction. He looked up and not a single cloud was in the sky. The air was cooler than he expected but then he remembered deserts were cold at night. In contrast the sand felt hot against his boots. It hadn’t yet lost its heat from the sun. 

The barracks in the base weren’t that bad. Certainly better than a rock in the middle of the desert. Jack knew it wouldn’t always be like this. The coming days when he would eventually be called into battle would definitely be worse. 

But he couldn’t think like that. He just had to suck it up and deal with it. Worry causes things to go wrong and that’s what gets you killed. He refused to die here. No way. 

Jack diverted his attention to making his bed. That would keep his mind off the coming days. Sure repressing emotions wasn’t healthy but it sure was convenient. 

Once everyone settled in for the night, Jack laid on his bunk and stared at the gray ceiling. He tried to get to sleep but he just couldn’t. The worry was consuming him. He had a lot to think about. His mother, himself, what was gonna happen…

He forced himself to take a breath and slow his thoughts. 

It’s going to be fine. You will be fine. You’re making it worse by worrying. Nothing good ever comes from that. Just calm down. 

His mental pep talk seemed to appease his mind for a while. At last letting his anxieties drift away, he began to fall asleep. He had no idea what was ahead but at this moment it didn’t matter anymore. He wanted rest so he was getting it. And he would need it for the hellish days to come.

[heroictoonz]

YOUVE ACTIVATED MY AUTISM TRAP CARD at 2am. Why do u ppl keep doing this to me (this is a joke)

Okay okay okay okay. Listen. For one the best part of aus is forcing the world and characters to fit properly. It’s like a he might not fucking say that in canon but i have put him in a situation where yes the fuck he would say that actually

The original joke of my post was that Tucker is ssssooooooooo Kai coded. Like so Kai coded. As guy who only talks about Kai (and Morro) Tucker is SOOOOO KAI NINJAGO CODED. But Kai was never the chosen one. No matter how much he wanted to be. However Lloyd after getting to be the chosen one after all the time of being upset that they wouldn’t let him join in on the ninja shit realized HOW MUCH IT FUCKING SUUUUUUKS which. I think also fits Tucker. The guy who acts like Kai ninjago and absolutely is all look at meee im the cool alien chosen one with my sick ass prophecy sword i birthed alien Jesus or some shit but then the second he actually gets picked as the leader the moment hes actually thrown into any of this he IMMEDIATELY wants to get out of it not feeling like he can be a leader and not wanting to be the reason ppl died I think it works well in a Lloyd position

So then. As a Kai guy of all time. Obviously I have to make sure whoever I make Kai has to be GOOD. Like REAL FUCKING GOOD. So then. Who? Weeellllll aside from Kai’s obvious BPD and selfishly self sacrificial attitude what’s the OTHER big plot that he has going for him? It’s Nya. At least thats where my brain went. Again it’s 2am so this is first thoughts connecting who’s to say what I actually can make the more I think about this (and honestly I might. I’m having fun with this as i type lol) one of Kai’s huge things in his character is how much of a big brother he is. To Nya, to Lloyd. To Wyldfyre (yes that his daughter but like. Idk man they have Sonic and Tails energies just trust me on this its like his daughter little sister ace attorney style weird little girl its found family it is not an exact fucking science) and I think putting Grif and Sis in the position of Kai and Nya would be. SO FUCKING INTERESTING. Obvi it means Kai’s plot would take a massive shift but looking at the pilot just for right now it’s PERFECT

Pilot Kai wants NOTHING to do with being a ninja. He thinks Wu is a crazy old freak and that the fire thing is stupid and his dad is probably dead so why does he care about this weird old sibling dick measuring contest that has nothing to do with himOH GOD NYA FUCK THEY TOOK NYA TO LEGO HELL OH GOD OH FUCK and now Kai’s a ninja.

Grif not wanting anything to do with being a Ninja fits his character SO well and when Sis is first introduced in the show he’s like pretty worried about her getting her ass shot much like how Kai is super overprotective of Nya in the beginning. I also think that Sis would be SOOOO interesting in Nya plot. Nya’s whole thing is how she is the ‘girl’ of the team and she always gets left behind cause shes not a ninja and the guys dont think she can keep up with them. They put her on the same seat as the fucking 8 year old. So what does Nya do? She tells them to go fuck themselves and she builds herself a super sweet kick ass mech! Cause shes awesome! And I think Sis absofuckinglutly would.

I dont think Grif would be much like how Kai is in the rest of the show but that would be part of the fun of the au is finding how the series plots would work with these characters. Tho I will say it physically pains me to not give Tucker fire powers. Look at him. He’s so fire guy of all time

Alright now this is the part of the essay where I talk about how either Carolina or Tex is Morro [is taken out by the government]

Listen very fucking closely if i ever make a Ninjago/RvB crossover Tucker is probably gonna be Lloyd no matter how much i want him to be Kai because Grif is Kai and Kai is Nya does anyone hear me can any one hear me where am i its 1am

[akaashisupremacy]

New Beginnings

Summary: Having broken off your engagement for an arranged marriage with Gojo, your relationship is in shreds. Will you be able to find peace in each other again?

Notes: Gojo Satoru is good-looking, all powerful and beyond good at his job. I’ve always wanted to explore something he struggles with 

Gojo Satoru  x reader

Multi-fandom Masterlist || HQ Masterlist || Ao3 version

Genre: ANGST AND PINING, exes to friends to ??, commitment issues lol (wc: 1.3k) tw: mention of blood, infedelity-ish

“Sensei, why are we heading to the infirmary?”

Right after Gojo Satoru arrived at the den Itadori Yuuji was staying, Kiyotaka burst in and whispered something in his ear. Gojo’s eyes widened and he immediately set off with Yuuji tailing him.

“What happened to her?” Gojo exclaims.

The three arrive at the infirmary to see you writhing in pain and screaming in agony. There is dark red blood on your side. Gojo looks like someone had been clawing nails at a chalkboard. He hates to see you like this.

Kiyotaka looks for a healer. Yuuji goes to hide. Gojo tries to undo your makeshift bandages. You’re in a blur of pain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The next thing you remember after your aborted mission is Gojo Satoru’s concerned eyes watching over you. You’re in the Jujutsu Tech infirmary. Your wound is still fresh as hell.

“She’s really beautiful, sensei.” Itadori Yuuji comments quietly from your bedside.

“She is.” Gojo agrees. Your eyes are closed, yet you sense his presence seated on a stool by your bed.

“Is she a former classmate?” Yuuji asks.

“Among other things. She used to be my fiancée too.”

Yuuji probably scrambles at his stance, “Your what????”

Gojo turns to him, “To be clear it wasn’t a love match. We were arranged to be married by our families by 21, but we broke it off.”

Whenever either of you say this, it always leaves more questions than answers.  

Your eyes flicker open. You wince as you try to sit up. Gojo immediately reaches out to aid you. Your hands swat him away.

“Welcome back?” He cheekily greets.

You sniff and look the other way. Why did he have to work here?

Beside him is a young student with pink hair. He must be Yuuji.

“Go get her something to eat from the kitchens.” he tells his student, “Something gentle on the stomach and nutritious enough to get her strength back.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeing Gojo Satoru is  a different kind of pain. You once thought you were to be married to this man. Because you knew it was your obligation to your family, you learned to love him.

You both enter Jujutsu Kaisen at 15, Gojo a year ahead. It was the most painful three years of your life. Gojo was a popular and inexorable flirt. His attention span for romances was short although he was never short on female attention.

He cared for you very much. He protected you, assured you and was one of your best friends, but you’ve come to accept that he could never love you romantically or be faithful. He just wasn’t interested.

It hurt you deeply of course. You had tried so hard to love him and he couldn’t do the same for you. Was something wrong with you?  You felt deficient. You took the blame onto yourself.

When you were about to graduate, you decided to take matters into your own hands.

“Gojo, I’m going back home this Sunday, probably for the last time.” you approached him while he sat on a stone bench. He had just come back from a mission.

“Any reason it sounds so dramatic?’ he raised a brow.

“I’m breaking off our engagement to my clan leader.”

Gojo was so taken aback he didn't know how to react. His mouth hung open.

“You don’t love me and I don’t think you can.” you sighed, looking away.

Gojo fiddled with his hands, “I do, just not romantically.”

It bothered you that he loved you like family. How could you be married to him if he couldn't see you as more than a friend?

“I don’t know why you haven’t come up with this idea yourself honestly.” you frowned. You can feel yourself glaring more intensely than you had wanted to project.

A gentle gust of wind blew by, ruffling the hairs on your head.

“I have,” he quietly admitted, “But I was afraid you’d take it personally and I was trying to find a way to spare you the anguish.”

You shook your head and kicked a pebble, “There’s nothing you can do to spare me.”

“I’ll go with you. If you do this alone, your clan will exile you. Maybe if they see that it’s mutual maybe they’ll be kinder.” he resolved. The arranged marriage was important because it solidified an alliance between your families. Breaking it off meant you were essentially having your own insurgency against your clan.

But they weren’t kinder. You were still exiled. It was hardly a surprise. At least you were relieved of the prospects of loveless marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Can you not watch me eat?” You weakly snap at him.

"I can see you’re still pissed at me.” he acknowledges saintly.

You angrily stuck your spoon on your porridge with all the strength you could muster

“Every time I see you I’m reminded of how I failed to make you love me,” your voice is peeling with emotion, “And how my clan kicked me out because of it.”

Gojo opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Instead he nods understandingly. He goes to grab you more water.

“Every time I see you hurt like this, it reminds me how I fail at protecting you too.” he murmurs, “I know we’re no longer engaged, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m supposed to keep you from harm.”

He talks with his back away from you, as if you could see through him even without his eyes.

“You didn’t fail at anything,” he continues, “Things couldn’t work out between us because of me. I’ve long since known that I’m not into romantic relationships—at least not in the long term, monogamous way that leads to a wedding and a family. But if I could…I promise…it would be with you.”

“Maybe in a different life.” He adds, reigning in his emotion.

Your face softens at his words. You reach out to hold his hand and he holds you tenderly.

“I didn’t mean to cause you the pain that I have.” he whispers, his voice hoarse.

Tears fall down your eyes. You’ve always carried the blame on yourself. Hearing that from him lifts imaginable weight from your chest. You didn’t realize how badly you needed his apology.

He reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief and wipes away your tears.

“We’ve wasted so many years lost in our own pain.” you mumble back, looking away from him.

“We were too young to deal with the cards that we have been dealt then.” he replies, “You should be kinder to our younger selves.”

He lightly squeezes your hand and for a moment you’re both silent.

“Yeah, I guess I should.” you said with a small smile, “I wish we could press a reset button to start over.”

You hear footsteps entering the infirmary. Itadori Yuuji sees the two of you, hands still entangled in each other. He tries to walk back as if not having seen you.

You both pull away. Strangely you don’t feel embarrassed at all.

“Yuuji, go get a wheelchair. We’re taking our guest for a walk. It’s a beautiful day today.” he instructs, eyes still locked at you. Yuuji nods, glad to be sent away.

He turns to you grinning, “That kid was stunned at how beautiful you are. He told me so on the way back. He only likes Jennifer Lawrence so I guess you’re at par with her.”

You both chuckle and laugh.

“I’ve always wanted to be mistaken for a celebrity.”

“You’re more badass in real life though.” he tilts his head.

“You didn’t need him to get a wheelchair. I can try to walk.” you insist, pushing against the bed rails.

Gojo stands to help you, “The doctor clearly said you need to save your strength. You can walk when we get to the garden.”

“I can’t believe we’re bickering already.” you roll your eyes.

Gojo snorts. You crack a smile. He helps you swing your legs down the bed. Today you start anew, an attempt to reshape how your relationship should’ve been. Today, you finally get some new beginnings.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

General taglist: @itstheee-ha-chan @kaizumi@holaaaf@glxar@francxsca

Series Taglist: @kageyamakock 

Like this fic? Check out another Gojo fic here.

The rest of the series: Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8

Heyyy if you made it this far. Let me know your thoughts and if you’d like to see the next chapters 🥺 Writing this fic had me feeling so many typa ways hahahaha and I just need to share it with people. 

[bellasgreensweater]

✨Why I Think Bella Swan Is On The Autism Spectrum ✨

In this post I’m going to talk about why I personally believe that Bella Swan is autistic. As an autistic person myself, I really relate to Bella and I see a lot of autistic traits in her.

Disclaimer: This is just a headcanon- I don’t think Stephenie Meyer intentionally wrote Bella as autistic, and she or the movie producers never confirmed it, so I’m not saying to everyone that she is CONFIRMED to be autistic and that every one has to see her that way, I’m just saying that I personally think she is, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Autistic people hardly have any representation in the media, and with the representation that we do have, it is almost always stereotypical, inaccurate and offensive. You do not have to agree with me on this, but just please be respectful in the comments and don’t hate :)

Ok let’s go:

1. She always felt different from everyone/she felt like nobody truly understood her and that she never really understood anyone either: this is what basically all autistic people feel, myself included. Feeling like nobody understands the way your brain works and the way you see the world. (And this is true, because autistic people do see the world differently than non- autistic people and autistic peoples brains are wired differently from non- autistic brains). Bella mentions this multiple times in the books and movies, at one point in the first book in the car with Edward, she tells him that she thinks he can’t read her mind because they’re a probably a glitch in her brain and that it’s not like other people’s. There is also this quote from the 1st chapter of twilight which sums up how she feels: “ Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in. And if I couldn’t find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here? I didn’t relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn’t relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain”.

2. Her motor skills: She’s constantly tripping over her own feet, has bad balance, doesn’t realize that she’s walking into things, constantly dropping things ect, a common thing for autistic people is to have poor motor skills and find it hard to navigate their body.

Another disclaimer about autism: not ever autistic person is the exact same, every autistic person expresses their autism in a slightly different way, for example, some autistic people are overly sensitive to sound, and some are under-sensitive to it, these are just the specific things I’ve noticed for Bella in this post, it’s not supposed to be a generalization of autism in any way! :)

3. Social disinterest and difficultly: all throughout her childhood and her time in forks, she wasn’t very interested in making friends or hanging out or going to parties, and she found that she could never make friends with someone easily, she just never fully clicked with someone. She did have some very nice friends in forks, however she never related to them too well or was very attached to them.

4. Dresses for comfort and not fashion: Bella typically dresses in what feels most comfortable for her, not what is the most fashionable thing, this is a common thing with autism. A lot of autistic people like myself are quite sensitive to clothing and fabric and will not tolerate uncomfortable clothing.

5. Limited interests/special interests: Bella doesn’t really have many interests, but the ones she does have, she’s very passionate about. A special interest is an autism-specific term used to describe interests and hobbies that autistic people have that are very important to them. They help regulate emotions, calm people down, provide escapism ect. Autistic people can hyper fixate on these interests for hours and hours and not get bored, they can get so engrossed that they forget to do basic tasks to take care of themselves like drinking or going to the bathroom. These interests can last for years, sometimes a lifetime and they are very important to autistics. Bella swans special interests would be reading, wuthering heights, and vampires. Bella says in midnight sun that she has loved reading all her life and it is one of the few things that bring her intense joy. She said she could read for hours at a time and would try to sneak books into her lessons and read any chance she could get. Bella says that her favorite book is wuthering heights and she has read it so many times that it is beaten up beyond repair and the spine is so cracked that the book lays flat. This would clearly be her special interest. Her other special interest is clearly vampires.

6. Burnouts and meltdowns when Edward leaves: when Edward left in new moon, Bella obviously fell into a huge depression, but I also think she fell into an autistic burnout (if you don’t know what that is pls research or ask me cause this post is already too goddamn long). And in eclipse, when Edward leaves to go home in the afternoon or to go hunting, she can barely focus without him and gets very anxious (this is obviously because she loves him and is literally obsessed with him lol, but I also think it could be a meltdown from separation anxiety and also a change in routine (a lot of autistics get very upset when their usual routine is disrupted or changed))

7. Sensitive to sounds: In the book, often Bella cannot concentrate or fall asleep because of little sounds like the rain, sometimes it takes ages for her to sleep because the rain or tapping is too distracting. (This is a common autistic struggle).

8. Stims & facial twitches & stuttering: in the movie, she is constantly stuttering over her words, and her face and body twitches a lot. She also stims a lot in the book by playing with her hair or sleeves or the zip of her jacket, or her hands or edwards hands. She also covers some of her face with her hair, this could be to do with sensory overload, seeing too much in her field of vision may be overwhelming for her, like a lot of autistics.

9. Trouble expressing feelings/ thoughts: bella struggles a lot sometimes with communication and telling people how she feels. You can see this in her relationship with Charlie. They both love eachother very much but they never say it and when they do it comes out very awkward and sometimes they use the wrong words. You can also see this when she is hesitant to tell Edward in eclipse when she doesn’t want him to leave for the fight, it takes her ages to work up to telling someone how she feels. She also tends to be quite private. This is common for some autistics to feel.

10. Sensory experiences: bella loves the sun and heat, she says that she loves feeling the sun seep into her skin- a lot of autistics feel the sensory world very strongly and love certain sensations and detest others. When Bella moves to forks, she hates the sudden change in weather and gets anxious and upset at the feel of the cold, and the rain against her skin. This links back to my other point where I was talking about how autistics fear sudden changes in routine. Bella is very relieved when there’s a sunny day in forks and goes and sits outside, savouring the weather which reminds her of home.

11. Not too concerned with how she looks: obviously not every autistic person is like this, but quite a few autistics don’t really focus on how they look/present and what they wear. They don’t really know about the social norms and what other people wear so they do what they want. This is something I often see in Bella in the books especially.

12. More quiet/ reserved and socially withdrawn and awkward: this is basically self explanatory. Bella is very well known for this. I touch a bit more on this in point 3.

If you made it this far then thank you so much! This took a long ass time to write and I’ve been thinking of making this post for months. There are more things that make me headcanon her as autistic, but these are just from the top of my head. When I re-read the series (for like the 100th time lol) later this year, I’ll annotate the book so that I can update this post in the future with more supporting this).

Again this is just my opinion and my personal headcanon, it is not factual (but I’d obviously want it to be canon) so please no hate :)

If you have any more things to add on then please do!! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

[magireco]

out of curiosity what do you think of the characterization of homura in rebellion? i hugely dislike it but get the impression you enjoy it which i think is interesting cuz we seem to have very similar thoughts on homura pre-rebellion (CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG)

THIS IS INTERESTING BECAUSE IT DEPENDS ON WHAT FLAVOR OF REBELLION HOMURA YOU MEAN. i really really like the way she was done in the first half of the movie but as for the twist at the end...? mmm...

...okay, so... i've been thinking about saying this at some point but i keep avoiding it in fear of causing discourse and such bc... this is a really unpopular opinion apparently, but I really do not think devil homura was done properly. read under the cut if you wanna know why i feel this way!

the first issue i'm going to address is that there wasn't NEARLY enough buildup for it. i'm going to explain this from the perspective of a first-time viewer: what would you have thought would happen after the very last scene of rebellion leading up to them breaking homura out of her soul gem? when homulilly got purified and the flowers on her head turned to sakura flowers (y'know, the flowers that symbolize life and rebirth, homura being reborn from her witch)? did you think homura was suddenly gonna undermine madoka's godliness? because, uh, first-view me did not think that at all. and neither did almost anyone i know who watched it for the first time. not only is that poor setup but it's just so sudden and it feels so out of character compared to what we'd seen in the entire series as a whole, especially considering that the entire last part of the movie leading up until that was about purifying her... and saving her... there wasn't enough buildup. most people are like "but the flower scene happened!" but that's still way too vague...? it's hard to tell what conclusion homura comes to at the end, because we don't get to see any of her internal monologue... there is no other buildup after the flower scene... it just skips to homura realizing she's a witch. wouldn't that bring the viewer to think the flower scene was something that made homura realize she was a witch rather than her suddenly starting to form her plan? it always felt like to me the conclusion homura came to at the end of the flower scene was that she was validating madoka's bravery and telling her that if it ever came to that, she'd have the ability to make that hard decision. which is... so... weird? because i always interpreted that as homura coming to terms with what happened? i could just be interpreting it wrong though, but isn't that supposed to be our proof scene? our buildup scene? why would they make it so hard to understand? we need to know such important buildup points just as blatantly as the natural buildup to homura becoming a witch was. that's just from a moviemaking & writing perspective though.

secondly, i'm gonna discuss homura's motive. i actually ended up understanding were she was coming from after a while of being like "what the hell that makes zero sense!!!!". madoka is a 14-year-old girl who, in order to save the fate of every magical girl, literally had to sacrifice herself and erase herself from the world, and in the end, madoka just ended up saving homura again, and that must've made homura feel like her promise with madoka was never fulfilled. it's unfair what happened when you think about it and the law of cycles should not have been run by madoka herself because she, as any other 14 year old, deserves to be happy on earth. although it was said in magireco that madoka felt happy with what she was doing (and she felt like it truly gave her a purpose), she did admit to feeling lonely and homura probably made that assumption big time. but the way the writers went about it just made her seem so sinister... so out-of-character-ly sinister. what with the evil smirking and the deepened, almost... uh, sensual-seeming voice, and homura completely ignoring madoka's fear. it feels like they twisted her character extremely suddenly and it throws the viewer on a loop. they could've gone with that ending without making such drastic and sudden changes to homura's character, and if they were planning on doing that, why did they not give us more buildup? buildup that wasn't extremely cryptic that you have to scan and search every detail to get a clue? something i love about rebellion is that every time you watch you find something new, but how come some of the only clues illuding to devil homura's existence are in the op? it's odd. why didn't they go with something like making the incubators run the law of cycles? they were the ones at fault for causing it to be created. but honestly, the incubators cannot be trusted with anything, which is why it'd make sense for a magical girl to run the law of cycles, but if homura and madoka had the combined power to do so, what if they just remade the law of cycles so it was less unfair to madoka...? i don't know. either of those possibilites would make more sense than what happened.

something else that kind of irks me about it is that they demonized(literally, lol) homura's love for madoka. homura is very much a canon lesbian, and it's incredibly discomforting to me that they made her seem, outwardly to the viewer, so selfish...? please don't get me wrong, i'm not ACTUALLY calling homura selfish -- i know the entire akumura facade is a mask she put on, but like, it's so much more blatantly sinister than she is in the series when she's putting on the coolmura facade. it's going to really confuse the viewer and see every single one of her actions from the entire series in a completely different light, INCLUDING stuff that happened in rebellion itself. like the genuine sadness homura felt, the way we saw into her soul and felt her pain, that genuinely made a lot of people i've seen think that it was ingenuine upon first inspection... they made homura turn "evil" out of her love for madoka, as if it's a bad thing to fall in love, and as if love for another girl was what corrupted her soul gem... i understand that gen urobuchi probably wanted to explore that kind of path where love leads to obsession or whatever, but homura was selfless to a fault, constantly trying to force herself away from the others in order to not get attached, and deeply afraid of seeming creepy and predatory and scaring(she said this herself), which is exactly what she ends up doing at the end, and i feel so awful that they did that to her... how is the viewer supposed to know what her true motives are at that point? it gets all scrambled up after they did that huge plot twist. i'm going to address another thing super quick before people jump in my ask box over this, i understand also that it would make sense for homura to be obsessed with madoka, but in the series, it was never shown in this light, and like i said, if they were going to do this, why'd they even have the purification scene at the end at all? the buildup is all wrong . it also just made me upset that this ending caused SO many people to start literally believing homura is evil because of her actions at the end, and it made people become even more vehement on their beliefs that homura is obsessive and ps*cho...

i was really confused when i watched it for the first time (and also sobbing hysterically, literally, my funniest rebellion story as someone who has genuinely watched the movie 40-ish times, i remember vividly the first time i watched it i started sobbing on my hands and knees on a yoga mat in my mom's room). also like, just to prove my point a teensy bit more, the ending was so ambiguous and out of nowhere that one of the first google results to "madoka magica rebellion" is "madoka magica rebellion ending explained" because it shocked people so much that that was the first thing they needed to google. also, the fact they left us on such a vague cliffhanger and then abandoned the movie series for a total of 8 whole years only to make a sudden comeback in god's holy year of 2021 was almost cruel. LIKE GUYS I JUST FINISHED UP MY DEVIL HOMURA HEADCANONS IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!!

...anyways, um, i really have to address the sexualization. madoka magica, previously, was a series that avoided fanservice in the show, at least, but why did they make akumura's design look like that...? it shows an unsettling amount of skin and like, every three seconds in the end they're focusing intensely on her lips and her eyes and... it's almost like the writers forgot she was 14, but they never seemed to forget that in the series? what happened????? in the transformation scene, we get closeup views of homura's thighs and back and stuff and it's all open everywhere... they made her tights into thigh-highs... in the whole series, even when she went to school, she always wore tights, and she was wearing tights in her magical girl outfit too... they absolutely deliberately did that to sexualize her further so they could make official art with her thighs out. speaking of official art that unsettles me, why does so much of the official art make the whole outfit just glued to her body and you can see all the shading on her features... it's just. ugh. anyways.

i went off a LITTLE too much on this and i know this is probably gonna get me some weird glances in the fandom and i am open to hearing other people's opinions but i don't think i'll ever stop disliking the effect this plot twist had on the fandom's interpretation of homura and although i'm like UNDENIABLY incredibly hyper excited for the next movie, i'm kind of...nervous for what this is going to bring? i don't want this next movie to cause the same amount of discourse the ending of rebellion did and i legit just want to see homura happy. another one of my main issues with the ending is just that homura is SO unhappy when she literally deserves to be happy SOOOOOOO BAD and just take a break from all the loops ... i'm Praying to madokami out there that that's what happens.

i know this is all really funny coming from someone who draws devil homura on a regular basis and literally writes her, but like... i'm a lesbian i'm allowed to<3

ANYWAYS thanks for listening this was a fun ask!!!

[lasquadrasfuckhouse]

since i've been talking a lot about my hcs for la squadra's backgrounds i figured i would drop what i've thought of so far for risotto 👀

as a heads up there will be talk of ❗catholic trauma, familial death, and grief❗

prefacing this: so i saw an idea somewhere once that risotto and mariah are related b/c their stands both deal w/ magnetism and they both have white hair and then i made a mental exercise to play around with the idea of how that would actually Work but then the idea stuck lol

so they're half siblings and mariah is like, 5 or 6 years older? they have the same dad. he and mariah's mom separated on good terms and he eventually moved to sicily for work but went back n forth a lot to still be active in mariah's life

which is where he met risotto's mama. risotto was born and raised in siracusa but the family went to cairo a lot and likewise mariah and her mama would come visit too

so risotto's family life may have been unconventional (especially considering it was the 70s in a catholic country and his parents weren't married, nero is his mama's last name) but was very happy. he had good and loving parents, he and his sister loved each other a lot, their moms got along really well and mariah's mama was very nice to risotto too and vice versa, it was all pretty chill!!!!

maybe a few months (or a few years) later some wreckage washed ashore that could be identified as part of their vessel, but that's the most closure risotto had. he knows in his heart that they're dead because they were good parents, they would never have abandoned him and mariah. he doesn't blame the sea though and he's not afraid of it, it's just nature, and nature happens sometimes.

but when risotto was about 8 or 9, his parents were lost at sea. not sure if they were on a ferry and there was a freak storm and there were others that were lost too or they just liked to sail or what, but their boat pretty much vanished and they were never found.

so as presumably, probably, an orphan, he was taken in by his maternal grandparents in the sicilian countryside and lost contact with mariah and her mama. his grandparents had also taken in his older cousin prior to that too so it was the two of them being raised in the middle of bumfuck nowhere by their grandparents.

and their grandparents were, hm. Not Great. they were pretty hardcore catholics who ran a strict house, made ris and his cousin go to church whether they liked it or not, tried to instill them both with Catholic Guilt™️, were very conservative, kinda broadly fucked up and controlling etc. it was just, not an emotionally healthy environment.

risotto's mama probably moved away for a reason 😬 they were definitely aghast that their daughter had a child out of wedlock and it wouldn't surprise me if they had this notion of having to '''save''' risotto from '''sin'''. which probably made him feel like something was wrong with him, which he thankfully knew wasn't true because his early childhood was happy and healthy enough to give him that perspective, but it hurt nonetheless.

he and his cousin were each other's confidants and partners in crime, they loved each other so damn much and were always looking out for each other. often it was big cousin looking out for baby ris cause he was like ~5 years older but risotto wanted to be there for him too.

they got up to a lot of trouble as kids in small towns in the middle of nowhere do and it was stupid as hell but fun and freeing. authoritarian houses make good sneaks and good liars and the two of them definitely lived up to that. risotto also couldn't help but feel a sense of pride and love when he did what he pleased and tried his best to live freely because he felt like it brought him closer to his parents in spirit.

as soon as big cousin graduated the two of them hit the road and moved to palermo, against their grandparents' wishes. they shared a shitty cheap apartment that felt like a damn mansion to them cause they could do whatever they wanted and just live their lives.

they lived there for about a year before risotto's cousin was killed and he felt like the fucking world crumbled from beneath him. he viewed it very differently from his parents' deaths: one was nature, one was some asshole who couldn't be considerate to the people around him and now risotto's best friend is dead.

so he was back with his grandparents but without his cousin and he was pretty fucking miserable, but he refused to just be sad for himself, he was sad for his cousin first and foremost and couldn't stop thinking about him. and he was angry. big cousin had his whole life ahead of him that was cut short, he was a whole person with dreams who loved and was loved, and this guy only gets four years in prison and then could just go back to his life like nothing had happened when his cousin wasn't alive anymore? no. it wasn't right. risotto refused to let that go unresolved.

and that thought is what kept him going but he still ran away a lot, didn't bother with school unless he thought it could help him, etc. he became sort of numb to his grandparents and the irony of plotting revenge in his head while he was made to sit in church wasn't lost on him.

he probably dropped out and left his grandparents' place by the time he was 17 and he hasn't spoken with them since, went back to palermo, and went from there with his plotting. that's how he got involved with passione.

he got vengeance for his cousin at 18, and it was at least something, but yeah, he realized it would never be enough and the pain stayed. not that he regretted it in the slightest tho, he can still sleep a little easier and feels like he can do.... something aside from just being consumed by it.

but then he was indebted to passione for their help with getting risotto to the guy, risotto took it in stride cause again, he didn't regret it, and the rest is history.

not to say he's necessarily happy or satisfied being in passione tho, but he accepts it and works with it. he doesn't really think about what he'd like to do cause this is what he just.... does.

he tries to visit his cousin's grave in palermo every year for his birthday (and maybe throws some flowers into the ocean for his parents too, they left from the opposite coast but he figures the water will carry his intentions where they need to go). he would be perfectly happy to never see or hear from his grandparents again. once as an adult (and with gang connections) he realized he could try to track down his sister again, but decided against it. not only because he's not sure if she would accept him for who he became (he can't stand the thought of her rejecting or being afraid of him), but if he put her in harm's way, he would never forgive himself.

he doesn't know mariah is also a stand user, nor her involvement with dio or who the fuck dio even is or basically the whole mess of stardust crusaders. but she IS alive, she got very injured but is alive. maybe once giorno becomes boss, gets in touch w/ his joestar family and the speedwagon foundation etc all the little strings start coming together and risotto and mariah can find each other again. and she very much does love her big baby brother and wouldn't even dream of rejecting him. so they can be brother and sister again and it's really lovely and healing :')

[xiaodejunletsact]

i still love you | zhong chenle

word count: 17, 367

genre: high school!au, basketball!player, angst, fluff, you are a bet au??? lol idk 8 letters!au

warnings: lots of angst, playing of emotions, mentions of panic attacks and sex.

authors note: im finally back!! with a chenle fic!! okay so,, i wanted to thank everyone who loved 8 letters, the reaction to that fic was better than anything i could’ve ever imagined, so thank you so much!! this is like a chenle version from the same universe. but most importantly: i decided to put songs in some scenes to enhance the experience while reading, you don’t have to but if you want to listen to the ‘soundtrack’ of this fic click the ‘🏀’!!!!! please enjoy!! 

synopsis: high school can be complicated. thats why when your crush of three years, zhong chenle, approaches you out of nowhere offering to drive you home you are right to question his intentions.

🏀

You can hear the loud thumping of your heart in your ears as you watch the players dart across the court. The squeaking of their sneakers against the polished floor as they furrowed their eyebrows in concentration. Well… as he furrowed his eyebrows in anticipation, you wouldn’t know about the rest of the players on the court because your eyes were focused on one boy in particular. Number 22, Zhong Chenle. Your crush since sophomore year and soon to be captain of the basketball team (even if this is your personal opinion you’re 87% sure of it). The boy had caught your eye when he first smiled your way back in 10th grade and offered to help you with everything since you were new, leaving a stamp on your heart that would mark it as his own for the next years to come. Of course, you hardly ever spoke to him, too nervous and clumsy to even think of approaching someone so out of your league but there was something about his crinkly smile eyes and fluffy hair that got a hold of and never let go. 

Which is why you find yourself seated at the school’s bleachers watching the basketball game like you did every week, hands clutching the sides of the bench as you watched Chenle get the orange ball passed to him, and the scene plays in slow motion. 

Sweat drips off the tips of his newly dyed blond hair as he gains impulse with a jump, shooting a perfect three pointer and deeming the game of victory for his team. You proudly smile as you watch his teammates cause a ruckus around him, cheering and hitting him occasionally. However, your mood dampened as you watched Chenle escape the clutches of his team, running to the side benched where Ava, (the bitchiest girl in school but also his girlfriend), sat. He leans down to peck her lips, only to be stopped when she holds her hand up, pushing him away with a disgusting, “you’re sweaty!” He looks dejected for a second, before forcing a smile and turning back towards the team. You wonder if you’re the only one who noticed the interaction, you wonder if you’re the only one who cares enough to want to march down there and tell her off. You huff, instead opting to march your angry way to the entrance of the gym starting the trek home. Wondering if Number 22 will ever be yours like you desperately want him to.

-

It’s funny how much of your life you could dedicate to one person without any sort of reciprocation. You felt almost embarrassed as you shoved yet another letter into an envelope that increasingly got thicker and thicker with every burst of your emotions. You see, every time your feelings for Chenle got too strong to bare you would write short letters about how you felt, obviously, with no intention of Chenle ever getting his hands on them, just for your own catharsis. It helped, most days. 

Today is not one of those days. 

“Uh huh…” you said absentmindedly at your friend, Donghyuck , who tries to explain to you what intricate contraption they are building in this week's robotics class. However, you’re too busy looking over his shoulder at Chenle who laughs half heartedly at something his friend says, before going serious once again. You furrow your eyebrows and say, “have you noticed anything off about Chenle?” 

Donghyuck  sighs, knowing he has lost you once again. Nevertheless, he humors your narrative turning to watch the boy in question along with you. “I mean… he is kind of down.”

“Right?” You reply, shutting your locker and clicking the lock. Donghyuck  shrugs.

“Maybe it’s because he broke up with his girlfriend this weekend.” 

You stop dead in your tracks, “He did what?” 

Donghyuck  nods, (like it’s not a huge deal!) “at the party you missed this weekend, they got into a big fight and he told her it was over and stormed off.” 

“A-and you didn’t think to tell me this?” You respond to which he just shrugs.

“It’s not like you had a chance with him anyway.” 

“Ouch, Donghyuck .” 

The words stung, of course but you knew Donghyuck  was just being realistic with you, never one to lead you into things that could only hurt you in the future. 

Donghyuck  says something after that, that you don’t quite catch but you guess it’s fine since you didn’t really want to listen to him right now anyway. 

Especially since Zhong Chenle just caught you staring at him and is now staring just as intensely into your eyes as you were to the side of his face. 

You don’t know what kind of glitch you go through that you are unable to form any type of reaction or look away. Instead just kind of… freezing. 

He brings up a hand and slightly waves in your direction. A kind smile on his face. 

Oh no. He actually sees you. 

Before you can even process it, you realize that you're running down the hall in the direction opposite to him. Out of the back door of the school, heaving as your heartbeat reaches 3000bpm.

🏀

Recalling the memory as you walk to the bus stop that afternoon causes you to slap your palm against your forehead once again. “What was I thinking? Now Chenle is really going to think I’m a freak.” 

You couldn’t believe yourself, kicking the gravel underneath your sneakers in frustration you beat yourself up over having ruined the only interaction that could’ve possibly been your chance to win his heart. It could’ve been the last time he ever looked your way again, and you wouldn’t blame him. 

But it wasn’t. 

Because just minutes after, like a miracle from heaven, you hear the roar of an expensive car engine near you before hearing his angelic voice call the syllables you thought you’d never hear him say: “Y/N!” 

Wide eyed, your snap your head to the sound of his voice only to see him through the window of his shiny million dollar car. He smiles and you feel like running again. He notices. “Wait! Don’t go!” 

You hear the buckle of his seatbelt being undone and watch in shock as he jogs around the car and suddenly he towering over you with a sweet smile. “Hi.” 

Say hi back! What are you doing? “Uh- I- uh- Hi?” 

He chuckles, looking down at his shoes before looking into your eyes once again. “How you doing?” 

“I’m- im good.” You stutter. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

The silence that follows makes you want to get swallowed up by the ground and never see daylight again. 

Chenle notices how you avoid his eyes and chuckles once again, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, um, I just saw that you were walking and wanted to know if you wanted a ride.” 

“In your car?” You ask in a quiet voice. Chenle laughs. 

“I mean, yeah. Unless you want to rent bikes from the tourism center.” You allow a small smile to grace your lips briefly before remembering the circumstances you currently found yourself in. Chenle (Zhong Chenle, Number 22, Yes. Chenle.) has just offered you a ride in his fancy car. The same car you watched him pull up in for two whole years. And he wants you to get in it. 

The millions of scenarios that go through your head as to why this could be happening but as you painfully remember today’s events, you realize what this is about. 

Chenle shoves both his hands in his jean pockets as he awaits your answer. “...So?” 

You breathe in deeply, “Listen, um, if you’re doing this because you feel bad about earlier or something, please don’t.” 

Chenle’s eyebrows furrow together and he comes closer to you. “That’s not the case at all, I just saw you walking all by yourself and thought to offer you a ride home.” 

“But you drive past here every day and you’ve never offered me a ride before?” You question out loud, wincing as you realize that you could possibly sound creepy for knowing where he goes in the afternoon. “I mean- you always drive in the same direction as my bus stop! So I see you!” You feel how clammy your palms are rubbing against the harsh fabric of your jeans. “Speaking of the bus, I should probably go before I miss it.” 

Just as you turn to walk away, Chenle’s hand grips your wrist where your sleeve has ridden up, allowing the first skin to skin contact you ever made with him. Your eyes widen at him and he lets go immediately, awkwardly. “I guess I was focused on other things, but now I’m focused on you.” 

-

In the fever dream that was Zhong Chenle flirting (?), and the insistent drumming of your heart in your ears you come back to only realize you were moving into Chenle’s car. (The doors opened upwards!) 

The boy took the liberty of opening it for you, closing it once you were settled in. You took the moment he was walking to the driver’s side to take in a deep breath and compose yourself. 

What the hell is going on? Why Zhong Chenle talking to you? Why is he driving you home? Why did he tell you he’s focused on you? What? What does any of this mean? 

Before you could begin pulling your hairs out in frustration, Chenle’s door opens and he plops down onto the driver’s seat. He looks over at you with a smile as he fastens his seatbelt, “Buckle up.” You do so quietly, biting your lip to prevent any further embarrassment. 

The drive begins with little to no talking, the only thing filling the silence being the constant humming of the air conditioning and static of the radio.

 “Do you want to listen to something?” He presses his pale fingers to the glossy touch screen in between you two. Soon enough, a soft beat travels through the ambience of his car. You see from the corner of your eye that he looks over at you and smiles, but keep your nervous eyes on the road in front of you; Chenle faces the road once again, tilting his head to the side in a gesture that you would find unbearably cute any other day makes you want to open the car door and jump out into the street, running away from the awkward silence and the confusing thoughts plaguing your mind.

-

Chenle leaves after promising to pick you up tomorrow morning, you can only nod your head rapidly and run into your house, afraid that he would be able to hear the loud beats of your heart.

Once the door of your room is closed safely behind you, you finally breathe for the first time this afternoon. “What the fuck? What the shit? What the hell?” You mutter to yourself as you pace around the room. 

Could it be that your dreams are finally becoming a reality? Had Chenle seen you the way you saw him this entire time?

The one sided crush wasn’t as one sided as you thought! Is what you wanted to think, but there was part of you that questioned where his intentions lie due to the abruptness of the situation. What if there was an ulterior motive behind his actions? No. Chenle wouldn't do something as bad as play with someone’s emotions like that? Right? 

As you lay in bed pondering the thought you decide it's best to ask him tomorrow.

-

You wake up 30 minutes earlier the next day, showering thoroughly and waiting in the living room so as to not make him wait too long to leave when he arrives. 

This moment comes while you’re sitting at the table with your family, your eyes widen as you hear the knocks on your front door. “I’ll get it!” You stop your mother from reaching the door as you run to it. 

Chenle smiles politely as your face appears from inside the house. “Hey.” 

You smile back nervously, “Hi.” You proceed to stand at the doorway for a few awkward seconds before your mother comes to see who it is. She is pleasantly surprised to see someone of the male species there in front of you. 

“Oh?” She says, smiling at him then looking at you suggestively. You try to convey a silent plea to not embarrass you before she looks away to shake Chenle’s hand.  “Hi! I’m Y/N’s mom, are you one of her friends?” 

Chenle smiles at her sweetly, “Yes, I am. I’m actually here to pick Y/N up for school.”

“You’re taking Y/N to school?” Your mother’s shocked face is enough to tell Chenle that it was probably the first time anything like this has happened to you. 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

Your mother sends you a sly smile that she thinks Chenle doesn’t notice before nudging your arm. “Then what are you doing standing there? Don’t make him wait!” Your groan and rub the spot on her arm where she pushed you as you go upstairs to grab your backpack.

Downstairs, Chenle accepts your mother’s offer of entering your humble home. Your house is a modest abode with strange decorations hanging up on the walls, along with pictures of your family. The living room looks like an orphanage where mix matched furniture goes to live. There's one pale green couch, one beige and one a bright yellow. Chenle thinks back to the pristine state of his own living room, the pure white furniture and modern, classy decorations hung up on the marble walls. He realizes that it is nothing like his own, in fact, he doesn’t think it could’ve been more different but he finds that he likes it. That it feels homey compared to his usually liefless house. It’s the kind of place he would stay in for a long time. 

Chenle shakes those thoughts out of his as soon as they appear, remembering why he was doing this in the first place, he couldn’t risk getting attached.

-

“Be honest with me.” 

Chenle startles upon hearing your voice above its normal shy muttering. You, on the other hand, are shaking in your shoes having practiced what you would say and thought over doing this millions of times last night. “What are your intentions? Like, it’s not that I think you’re a bad person or anything but I just don’t understand because of the suddenness.”

Chenle averts his eyes from the road to glance at you, smiling. He faces forward once again sighing slightly. “Okay, I’ll be honest,” He starts, you sit up straighter and involuntarily lean toward him. “I think you’re really cute, I always noticed you at my games and the way you would cheer me on was really endearing and it encourages me a lot.”

The butterflies that erupt in your stomach with his words are undeniable. “You noticed me?” Your quiet voice is back, still, he hears you. He smiles, and it’s genuine. 

“Of course I did,” he says, “And i know that it was very… sudden but if you give me a chance i would really love to take you on dates and maybe… more.”  

He sounds slightly unsure of himself. Rubbing the leather of his wheel with his hands. 

Your mind is mush. Chenle likes you! He thinks you're cute and he noticed you at his games! What is life?! 

“What do you say?” he says after the awkward pause in which you freaked out. 

‘No’ is not a word in your dictionary.

-

The cycle continues throughout the next week; Chenle picks you up every morning (never forgetting to bid your mother a good morning) and takes you home every afternoon (always politely rejecting your mother’s offers to stay for dinner), always spilling banter in the car, learning about each other. Chenle notices how you open up to him and he likes it (though he can’t really pinpoint why), he likes talking to you, and laughing with you and he finds himself wanting to be around you more often. Though this wasn’t initially part of the plan, he figures he can enjoy it until it had to end. 

The thought makes an eerie feeling rise in his chest, even if he doesn't know why, he thinks things will be a lot harder than he planned.

🏀

It’s friday when Chenle invites you to come watch his basketball practice.

You had imagined this scenario in your head plenty of times before but not once did you think you would ever actually be here sitting on the players bench watching up close as Chenle maneuvered across the court along with the rest of the players. There was sweat dripping off the tip of his blonde hair which made him look 10 times more attractive than he already was and you have to stop the drool that threatens to leak from your lips as he sits down next to you on the bench. “Hey.”

“Hi,” You reply, trying to keep yourself together.

“Practice is over.” Chenle says motioning towards the now empty court. It's only then that you realize that you and Chenle are alone, and suddenly, he’s sitting a lot closer to you than you thought. You turn your face to him and realize that your noses are nearly touching, Chenle smiles. “Hi.” He says, coming a bit closer until he feels the moisture of his sweaty arm against your dry one, he recoils. “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m so sweaty right now.” There’s a dust of embarrassed blush on his face as he slides away on the bench. Your heart starts beating erratically as you watch him try to rub his sweat away with his small hand towel.

You can’t find the words to tell him it’s okay (slightly scared to tell him that you like it) so you say the next best thing. “You looked cool playing.”

This eases him a bit, he smiles. “You think so?”

“Yeah!” You say, “Like Curry!” 

Chenle laughs, “Oh man! I can’t believe you just compared me to Curry.” He stands and takes a bow, waving his towel dramatically. “I am honored.” 

The scene causes you to giggle, and Chenle has to take a breather to calm his own beating heart. 

“Especially when you blocked Jaemin at the 3rd point and scored on the spot. I was impressed.” 

“You must know a lot about basketball.” He points out. You shake your head. 

“Not really,” is your response. “I only learned from coming to watch your games.” The sudden confession slipped from your lips and you momentarily panicked. 

Upon not hearing  a response from Chenle, your breathing deepens and you think maybe you ruined the moment. 

Unbeknownst to you, Chenle watches you with curious eyes. He senses the tension coming from you and walks away, leaving you alone in your troubled state. 

You think maybe Chenle left without, freaked out and uncomfortable because of what you said, however, you’re proven ridiculously wrong when you dribble a basketball on the floor. 

You lift your gaze to Chenle who dribbled the orange ball with a teasing smile on his face. “Why don’t you show me what you got?” 

“I- I don’t-“ you begin. 

“Oh come one, Y/N!” He says, passing the ball to you, “You have to be good. I mean, you did learn from the best.” The cocky shrug of his shoulders and teasing smile bring you peace of mind and you find yourself agreeing. 

-

It’s safe to say that Chenle is surprised at your skills. He should’ve known you had paid enough attention to him to learn all his techniques and dodge them while playing. And to think he was planning on letting you win so you could feel better. It eventually became a full competition. Sweaty bodies and heavy breathing, running, dodging, scoring. Teasing words and intense competitive gazes. 

The score was 7-7. Chenle sweeps in to swipe the ball from your hands but you pivot and shoot the three pointer right from your spot. “Yes!” You exclaim, throwing your hands in the air with a celebratory dance. “I won!”

Chenle is leaning with his hands on his knees, his chest heaving. “I need-“ he breathes, “I need to stop being so good at basketball. So heathens like you can stop learning my best tricks.” He brings his hand up to pinch your cheek teasingly. “You should join the team.” He says jokingly. You chuckle, rubbing the spot on your face that was just touched by his fingers. 

“As if.” 

“Hey! Does the idea of being in a team with tons of rowdy sweaty dudes that unappealing?” Chenle jokes, placing the basketball back in its place. 

“It’s enough with you.”

Before you can retract the statement, Chenle speaks. “That’s right, you only need one sweaty rowdy basketball player in your life.” He winks. “And that’s me.”

You laugh at his words but can feel your heartbeat all throughout your body. You can’t stop your mind from thinking: 

You’re damn right. It’s you. 

-

As you walk back to his car, Chenle is the first to break the comfortable silence. “You know… it was nice to see you so talkative and competitive today. I had fun.” 

And despite everything, he meant it. He knows he probably shouldn’t, but he does. 

Unaware of his inner turmoil, you smile. “I did too.” 

He gives you a lopsided smile in return before sliding the strap of your backpack off your shoulder and onto his own, keeping his own backpack company. “I’ll carry it for you.” 

You wonder if this is the start of something magical. Beside you, Chenle wonders the same but his thoughts are weaved with something more, something that meant trouble. 

You, however, hurry home to pour your feelings into a letter. Hearts drawn on the borders of the loose leaf page and a smile on your face all throughout. 

🏀

Every week it gets harder to become immune to Chenle’s charm. 

Today, he did something as simple as drop you off at home after school. However, before bidding you goodbye as song rings from the radio of his car. Chenle perks up. “I love this song!” 

He turns up the radio to its full capacity and rolls down the windows, making the music sound through the street. 

“Chenle! Turn that down!” You exclaim but the laughter in your tone hints that you want the exact opposite. Chenle shakes his head. 

“No can do!” he waves his arms dramatically in the air, “Dance with me!” 

You laugh once again at the wonderful boy, “You’re ridiculous!”

“Oh yeah?” He says challengingly. Suddenly he is opening the door and dancing on the sidewalk where everyone could see him. His movements are almost manic and all you can do is continue laughing. “I’m not leaving until you dance with me.”

“My neighbors are going to see you.” You warn. He shrugs.

“It's fine. I’ll just tell them I’m with you!” 

“Oh my god no.” You say, stepping out of the passenger’s side, walking around the car until you’re in front of him, you cross your arms. 

“Show me some moves, I’m getting tired.” 

And so an impromptu two people dance party breaks out on the sidewalk in front of your house. Even though in your imagination dancing with Chenle would require the presence of an elegant ball gown and fancy chandeliers, all there is to be seen is loud music, laughter, grabbing of hands and playful banter. And you wonder if it could ever be more perfect than this.

-

Of course, like any other human, Chenle has his moments. 

The morning car ride was as silent as could be. Chenle’s hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, angrily. His usual smile is replaced but a scowl that only left momentarily when you stepped into the car earlier, a (clearly forced) polite smile is what you saw.

Since then you didn’t dare to speak, not wanting to bother him when he was clearly having a bad time. 

You arrive at the school and escape the still awkward ambience, bidding him a quiet farewell before running in. 

- 

You proceeded to spend the entire school day wondering what was up with Chenle that morning and what you could do to help him. It’s when you meet at the end of the day once again that you ask, “Hey, is everything okay?”

The boy freezes up, before clearing his throat. “Yeah, why do you ask?”

You shrug, “Nothing, you you were just kind of, like, quiet this morning… so i figured you were upset.” 

The blonde boy in the driver’s seat keeps his eyes on the road ahead of him, “It’s nothing, Y/N.” He says in a rough tone, one you’ve never heard or thought you would ever hear him use. “It doesn’t concern you anyway, okay?”  

Your form deflates into the seat, wishing you had kept quiet like you did this morning. You reply, “Okay.” 

There’s tension. Body swallowing tension that lasts all throughout the car ride to your house, as Chenle pulls up in front the driveway and you have already unbuckled your seatbelt before he got the chance to put the car in park. 

In the passenger’s seat, Chenle feels the guilt creeping on him. He realizes that you only asked because you cared. “Wait-” Seemingly, he is too late since you’ve already shut the car door and made your way up your driveway. “Goddammit.” He sighs to himself, working to take off his seatbelt.

Your feet hurriedly take you to your door after you exit Chenle’s car, your nerves increase as you hear Chenle leave his car. “Y/N, I-”

The door opens before you can turn the handle, your mother’s smiling face looks back at you. “Hey, Honey.” You smile back at the woman, who immediately notices the emotions behind your smile. Quietly, she asks: “Are you okay?” 

As soon as you nod in response, her eye catches Chenle standing guilty behind you. “Chenle! How are you?” 

Chenle smiles with a nod, “I’m doing alright.”

“Well, I would invite you in for dinner but I can imagine what your answer will be.” She says jokingly, teasing him for all the times he had rejected her offer. To her surprise, Chenle doesn’t laugh awkwardly or agree with her, instead, he ponders for a bit. His gaze finds your own causing you to quickly look away. He feels his heart contract as he thinks of starting at square one with you; back to when you couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Actually,” He says, “Dinner sounds great.”

🏀

Even though the tension between you and Chenle is painfully obvious, he feels his heart become lighter as he watches how you interact with your little siblings. Laughing at their childish antics and playing along with them at the dinner table. Your parents engaged in conversation with each other across the table and Chenle sat next to you, smiling and nodding as your little sister animatedly explained to him why the rocks she found next to the trash can at recess just had to be magical. As he looks at the dynamic you have in your home, he realizes that this feels more like a home than his house ever has. All of you are sat at the table, the splash of colors brought by the miscellaneous decorations, the laughter and the love radiating from every corner makes Chenle want to stay there forever. 

“Woah!” He acts, “Are you serious?” 

The little girl nods proudly, “Mhm! And I’m going to give this one,” she points to a particular shiny one on the dining table, “to Y/N, so she can make her dream come true. But don’t tell her it’s a secret.” 

He chuckles at her before whispering, “why do you think she’ll ask for?” 

She giggles, leaning closer. She puts a hand over her mouth as she whispers. “Number 22.” 

Chenle refrains from gasping, “Huh?”

“She talks about him but she never wants to tell me who he is.” She explains. “But I think if she had a rock to grant her wishes, she would wish for him.”

Chenle takes this moment to look over at you, studying your side profile as you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, helping your little brother with his food. 

That’s when it hits him. He realizes that this isn’t what he planned it to be, that the bet he set up with his friends had gone too far, and that if he himself had a magic rock for his use… he would wish for you too.

-

“Thank you so much for the food, it was delicious.” Chenle says, rubbing his full belly to emphasize. Your mother chuckles. “It was my pleasure, Chenle. You can come back anytime you want, you are always welcome here.” 

“I definitely will, ma’am.” He says with a lopsided smile before shaking your father’s hand firmly. You can already tell by the way your father affectionately claps his hand on his shoulder and smiles at him that he too has taken a liking to the boy, like your mother. 

“Y/N.” She says sternly, turning to you who currently battled to avoid Chenle’s eyes. You hum. “Be polite and walk Chenle to his car, please.” 

You grimace subtly, not wanting to be the awkward air that would come with being alone with him. You want desperately to say no, but the gaze your mother gives you tells you that would mean trouble for you. 

The basketball player notices your hesitation and looks down sadly at his sneakers, remaining that way as you lead him to the front door of your house. Its then that Chenle looks up to the view of the back of your head, his hand twitches in want to smoothen out the ahi at the back of your head for you. 

You catch Chenle mid dilemma as you turn to face him, gesturing towards the open door. His eyes shift from you to the door. And to his car, he thinks about the ride home and how once he gets home it will just be him and he’ll be alone. 

He doesn’t want to be alone. Strangely enough, he wants to be with you. 

“Chenle?” He hears your soft voice. Your eyebrows are furrowed as you watch him stand there, unmoving, with a look of confusion. He looks into your eyes and realizes you’re waiting for him to walk through the door first. He does so, head tilted down. You follow him out the door and close it behind you. 

You trail behind him until he reaches his car, however, instead of getting in like you expected him to, he turns abruptly to you. His eyes are glossy and startled at the sight of them. “Do you-“ He pauses, hesitating. “Do you wanna go for a drive?” 

“A drive?” You ask, watching him fiddle nervously with his keys. 

“Yes.” 

“Right now?” He nods firmly. 

“I don’t- I don’t think my parents will let me go out this late.” You say, wrapping your arms around yourself to combat the winter wind. Before saying in a quieter voice, remembering the events that took place earlier that day, “And I thought you wanted to be alone.” 

Chenle feels guilty upon hearing your words. Knowing you felt hurt by his words from earlier. He shakes his head, stepping closer to you. “No. I don’t. That’s the last thing I want right now.” 

You see something in his eyes that you had never seen before. Exhaustion mixed with sadness and worry. The usually mischievous happy go lucky look nowhere to be seen amongst all the turmoil you found looking at him. You immediately grew more concerned. “Chenle…” you say, he looks away momentarily. “I’ll- let me ask my parents.” 

-

Much like many times before, you’re sat in the passenger's side of his expensive car. The scene has become common, except the ambiance is different. Chenle doesn’t attempt to start conversation like he always does, instead, he just stares forward blankly. Occasional tears rolling down his pale cheeks which he wipes away as soon as they appear, you are itching to ask the boy what is going on in his pretty head but decide against it once you remember how that turned out earlier. So you keep silent as Chenle presses harder on the gas causing the streetlights of the empty highway to become a blur above you. It momentarily impressed you how fast his car could go, however, once you look over at the boy, you see his state. Chenle has strings of tears running down his face, snot dripping out of his nose and even his hair is sticking to his forehead due to his excessive sweating. 

“Chenle, maybe we should pull over.”

He doesn’t seem to hear you, only pushing further down on the accelerator. Fear and concern enters your bloodstream as you watch him become a version of himself you’ve never seen, a version you didn’t even think existed. You reach over took him and rest your shaky hand on his arm. Upon feeling your touch, his head snaps to you and he hits the brakes abruptly causing your entire body to jolt forward. “Woah!”

Chenle’s chest heaves as he sees how scared he has made you. “I’m- I’m sorry.”

“Pull over, Chenle.” You say sternly, pulling your hand away and instead of doing what he wanted to do which was pulling your hand back to him, he does as you told him and park his car on the side of the road. The two of you sit in silence for what feels like forever, until you hear a sniffle come from Chenle’s side of the car. Looking over, you notice how he is hunched over the steering wheel, crying.

“Chenle?” You use the softest voice you could muster. “Chenle, what’s wrong?”

Your immediate response is silence. He takes in short choked breaths, it seems like every breath he takes causes him to fall into a state of agony. 

“I think-” he said, voice quivering. “Y/N, I think I’m a bad person.”

The sentence confuses you. “Why would you think that?” 

“Because I did something terrible to someone I care about.” He answers, you note that he is not able to meet your eyes. It scares you. “What did you do?”  

“I can’t-” He says breathlessly, his hand fumbling to open his car door. Stumbling out, watch as he makes his way around the car, leaning against the cement railing with his head in his hands. 

You watch him in momentary shock before following him his actions and getting out of the car as well. You carefully approach him. “What is going on with you?” 

Chenle sighs, pulling his hands away from his face. “I had a fight with my mother this morning, and everything was just piling up and I guess that was just the last straw.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I just… everyone expects so much from me.” He breathes. “My parents, my friends, my teachers, everyone at that damn school!” The railing in front of him takes the blows of his frustration. “And I don’t think i’m as good as they think i am, i'm not worth it.” He looks over at you and you immediately straighten at the sight of his red face. “Like you, Y/N. You’re so good to me, so nice and sweet. I don’t deserve it. Especially from you.” 

You don’t know what he means by that. Chenle knows you don’t know but he stays silent. You take this as your chance to speak. “I’m not only nice to you because I want to be. Because you’ve always been nice to me too, Chenle.” You dare to step closer, into his bubble. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, it would be impossible to meet everyone’s expectations so just be yourself… that’s enough for a lot of people.”

Chenle’s mouth speaks before he can stop it. “Is it enough for you?”

To forgive me? To still be the same after you realize what I’ve done. 

There is a silence that follows that one sentence, Chenle avoids your gaze nervously, he doesn’t realize that your silence is the product of your racing mind. The mind that is currently trying to find the words to describe what is happening in your heart. You ultimately decided that the best way to go is the truth. 

“You know… I kinda had a crush on you all throughout high school, which is kind of embarrassing but that’s not the point,” you start, “the point is that I had this perfect version of you in my head. Of what you would be like. And then when you came up to me that day… I didn’t know if I could talk to someone who wasn’t the Chenle I knew up here.” You take the liberty of poking a finger against your temple. “But I did anyway, and I realized you were nothing like the Chenle I saw in my head…”

Chenle chuckled sadly before commenting, “Ouch.” 

“You were better than him.” Chenle’s gaze snaps towards you in shock, you look forward. Too afraid to meet his gaze. “Nicer, funnier, and way more handsome than I thought up close.” You chuckle, having made the comment to help him feel better. “So yeah. I would say you are enough. More than, even.” 

“You really mean that?” 

For the first time you make eye contact, you furrow your eyebrows to try and make your sincerity as apparent as possible. “I do.”

He knows you do and that mends his heart as much as it breaks it into tiny pieces. He wants nothing more than to pull you towards him and smash his lips onto your own, but he also knows that it will only worsen the situation that is yet to come. Still his hands reach before he can stop them and reach to cup either side of your face. 

Your heartbeat is running at an unearthly speed, Chenle can hear it but knows his own is probably the same. Betraying his common sense, he leans into you until your lips are almost touching, the top brushing enough to have you wanting more. You think he’s going to kiss you and close your lips tightly. However, instead of his lips, you feel his hot breath when he utters the words: “I’m sorry.” Before removing his hands from your face and backing away. 

You can’t say the action didn’t cause a hurtful blow to your feelings but you also knew Chenle was in a tough place right now. You smile at him. “You don’t have to be sorry.” 

Chenle hates how you smile at him when he does things that hurt your feelings. He hates that you’re so considerate and nice to him despite what he is doing to you behind your back. He hates that you will find out one day and that you’ll hate him as much as he hates this. He hates that he doesn’t want to lose you, and that in the end he probably will. 

-

Friday is a holiday, so you don’t see Chenle the day after he took you on a late night drive with him. (You wrote another letter that night). In fact, you don’t hear from him until your phone chimes Saturday morning, Chenle’s name above a text message.

22 [9:15am]: hey

22 [9:15am]: I hope you’re good :)

22 [9:15am]: I just wanted to let you know there’s a party at my house tonight

22 [9:16am]: if you want

22 [9:18am]: actually, I really want you there so…

22 [9:20am]: please come.

You read the texts over a few times, it dawns upon you that you've never seen Chenle’s house. Sure, you’ve heard from classmates who had gone to his huge parties that it was extravagant as can be, resembling a hotel lobby rather than a house. The thought of being in his home made your hands sweat. Still, you remember how anxious you were to see him, especially after the other night, and you find yourself typing a reply of confirmation before tossing your phone to the side and walking to your closet to find something to wear for tonight. 

🏀

As soon as your parents drop you off in front of what was easily the biggest, brightest, classiest house you’ve ever seen in your entire life, you get the unnerving urge to go home. 

The abundance of people did nothing to help the creeping anxiety, the stares of some that briefly trained on you before whispering something to their friends. You couldn’t help but feel out of place. That is, until you see a familiar face. Jisung walks up to you with his hand wrapped around his girlfriend’s. “Hi!” He calle brightly as the girl waved friendly. 

“Hey guys!” You try to stabilize your voice. “How’s the party?” 

“Honestly… it kinda turned sour once some lower class men came and started to get wasted.” Jisung chuckled out, his girlfriend nods in agreement as she grips his arm affectionately. You smile when he looks over at her and smiles. There’s a part of you that feels envious of the relationship the two have but most of your thoughts surround how happy you are for the two. “We’re probably leaving soon anyway.” Jisung adds on. 

After getting over your monetary panic of having to be alone once again you nod your head, smiling at them. “Okay, I’m going to try to find Chenle.” They nod and bid their farewells, you sigh out loud as you walk through the crowd once again, searching for the blonde hair of the boy you so desperately need to calm right now. 

“I heard that she is the one Chenle left Ava for?” You hear someone say. 

“No way! Chenle wouldn’t stoop that low, plus I heard Ava broke up with him.” 

“Either way, I don’t understand why he would be hanging with her anyway, he probably feels sorry for her. What a loser.” 

It’s strange how you can hear their comments over the loud music that causes the walls to vibrate. You feel like vomiting as your insecurities take over and another sweaty presses against you. You push them away and run the rest of the way, not looking to find Chenle anymore just wanting to get out of here. You find what you hope is the bathroom and open the door, running inside and shoving the door closed, chest heaving.

“Y/N?” You hear from behind you, you turn around in shock and make eye contact with the red faced boy you spent your whole night looking for. “Chenle.” 

It’s then that you realize that he’s not alone. Across from him is an equally red faced Ava, eyebrows furrowed and lips turned down in a frown. 

It dawns upon you that you might have just interrupted something. 

You look between the two before averting your gaze back to the floor. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Hands grabbing the door handle and turning it quickly in a desperate attempt to flee the room. Completely deaf to the , “Wait!” That leaves Chenle’s mouth as you leave the room. 

Soon enough your back in the sea of sweaty drunks, trying to stabilize your voyage to the front door. To escape the stormy waters this night has caused your nerves. 

And you almost make it, had it not been for the harsh shove you received that sent you tumbling onto the floor. Suddenly, the people around you become giants and their huge feet stomp around you, threatening to squash you under their sneakers as if you were an irrelevant bug. 

Your shaky legs prevent you from standing up, and you only realize you’re crying when you feel a tear run down the side of your neck. No one seems to notice you’re there and you suddenly remember why being invisible sucks. 

It feels like ages have passed when you feel hands gripping your arms and lifting you onto your feet. Chenle’s voice sounds distance even if he’s barely an inch away from you. “Are you okay?” 

“I think-“ you say, shakily. “I think I’m having a panic attack.” 

Chenle takes your head and shoves it into his chest, making sure to keep a hand over your eyes as he leads you through the crowd. “It’s okay.” He whispers. “Everything is going to be okay.” 

He repeats the sentences over and over until you two reach a quieter place and you hear the door of a shutting door and the music becomes muffled. 

Chenle keeps a hand secured around your head as he holds you for a few more seconds before slowly letting you go. 

“I need you to breathe with me, okay?” He says. Before you can think, you nod. “In through your nose.” He demonstrated, you follow. “Out through your mouth.” 

You continue this until the beating of your heart has slowed down and you don’t feel like you're physically suffocating anymore. Instead, you feel tired. Chenle must have noticed because he ushers you to lay on the neatly made bed behind you, tucking you in before you had time to protest. 

🏀

It takes a whole ten minutes for either of you to speak, you half expected Chenle to leave after throwing this blue blanket over you, instead, he sits at the edge of the mattress and picks at his nails. Kind of like he wants to say something. 

“Thank you for helping me.” You speak first. “I don’t know what went wrong.” 

Chenle sighs, “I’m sorry for not finding you, I just- I was-“ 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.” You interrupt, remembering where he was when you finally found him. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, still you know it’s not your place to question him. “I should get going, anyway.” You rush to slip on your shoes only to be stopped by Chenle. 

“No, it’s not what you thought it was.” He starts. You avert your gaze from him in fear of what he had to say. “Ava and I ran into each other earlier and she was just going off about how horrible I was in front of everyone. I think she was drunk, but she was causing a scene so I wanted to take her somewhere where it wouldn’t cause a commotion. I didn’t want to bring her in here so I just took her to the bathroom” He says, “We got into a bit of an argument, and that’s when you walked in.” 

“It’s-“ 

“She told me she wanted to get back together.” He blurts out, like he was getting something off his chest. 

“Oh.” Is your reply.

“Obviously I said no.” He says, almost expectedly. He doesn’t know that the knot that was tightening in your chest loosened a bit at his words. He watches you for a bit before speaking again. “What- what’s on your mind?” 

The question catches you off guard. You don’t really know what’s on your mind, the messy twister of thoughts going too fast for you to be able to reach in and grab a coherent thought. Only one thing pops up and you go with it. 

“Is this your room?” 

Chenle is silent for a second before he says. “Uh, yeah? Yes, it is.” 

You hum, laying on your back once again. It’s then that you notice the glow in the dark stars Chenle has stuck to the ceiling of his room, identical to the ones in your own. “You have stars on your ceiling.” 

He chuckles embarrassingly, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah, I’ve lived here since I was a kid my grandad put them up there when I was young and I just never got around to taking them down.” 

“I have the same ones on mine.” 

“Really?” He asks. But he can’t help the shift his heart takes as he thinks of the two of you laying under the same glow in the dark stars every night. 

Before he knew it, he was walking towards the light switch and flicking it off. The lights shine to their full potential over you. It eases you a bit, until you feel the bed dip next to you and you smell his close proximity to you, feeling the warmth coming his shoulder where it touches your own as you lay side by side. 

The silence is comfortable this time. 

“Do you ever have panic attacks?” You ask suddenly. 

Chenle shakes his head but remembers you can see him, “No.” He whispers, as if someone would hear him. “But Jisung does sometimes, so I learned some techniques to be able to help him through it.” 

You smile into the darkness. “That’s nice of you.” You lower your voice to his whispering tone.

Suddenly words are absent and the two of you just stare at the stars to the ceiling. 

You know it’s weird, that after the other night, you are lying in Chenle’s bed beside him like nothing happened. Like you had always been there. You wondered whether you should be glad or scared that you feel that way.

Beside you, Chenle is having his own dilemma. On one part, he feels relieved that you’re safe now, that no one can hurt you now that you’re here with him. He feels comforted that you look so at home in his room, blending in so well it almost sends his head reeling. (Partially the reason he turned off the lights.) On another part, he feels so scared that he wants to think you blend in and that he wants to tell you everything in his head. That he wants to let you in, when he knows he shouldn’t. That he felt concern in his veins when he saw you in such a panicked state earlier, and all he wanted to do was tuck you into his chest and protect you forever. 

Why did he want to protect you forever? 

He turns on his side, you feel it. His breath fans on the side of your face. You turn to his darkness, staring to where you knew his face would be. 

“Can I tell you something?” He says, it’s too late to take it back now, since you nod. “The other night when I ate dinner at your house…” he starts, “I was in such a bad place, And I never thanked you for putting up with me and having me over for dinner, it made me feel so much better, you know before everything blew up in the car.” 

You furrow your eyebrows at his words. “That was actually my mom’s doing, but I will make sure to tell her you said so.” 

Chenle shakes his head, kissing his teeth. “No, that’s not it. It was because you were there, Y/N.” 

You hold your breath when he said that, not replying. Chenle takes his own in an attempt to calm his rapid heart. “Spending time with your family kinda made me feel like I was a part of something special.” He confesses. “Something you were a part of.”

An unsteady exhale tumbles from your lips, his statement doing a number on your heart. “What… what are you trying to say?”

This is it, Chenle. Tell her about the bet, confess what you did and fix everything before things get too serious and you break her heart. Tell her the truth! 

‘The truth’ Chenle thinks. ‘Okay.’

“I like you, Y/N.” You don’t see that he is squeezing his eyes shut even if the room is pitch black.

“What?” You say in disbelief, even if the butterflies have already started erupting in your stomach. 

“I like you.” He repeats. “So much.” 

You stare in his direction in a state of shock and happiness. Meanwhile, Chenle beats himself up in his mind, taking your silence as a bad sign. “It's okay if you don’t want to be a thing or anything, I just thought, you know, since I like you and you like me… Liked? Is that past tense?” 

Your head shakes and causes a ruffling noise against his pillow. “No, it’s very much present tense.” 

The warmth pressed against your shoulder disappears. And you hear Chenle’s footsteps throughout the room, suddenly the world turns bright and Chenle walks back to the bed. Now with the light on, he can see the blush on your cheeks and the small smile you wear. He smiles back at you, but he feels bad. So, so bad. 

So bad that leans down to lay over you, kissing your breath away. 

It's only after the momentary surprise that you begin to kiss him back.

His lips are rougher than you thought they would be, but still held some pillow like softness you expected. His hands hold your cheeks as he dips down further to bring his lips closer to yours. 

Now you totally understood why everyone was so crazy about kissing. It’s the best thing ever, and you never want it to end. However, breathing becomes an issue when you kiss someone, you learned. Chenle is the first to pull away, keeping his face a barely centimeters from your own, your breaths meet in the middle. 

When you finally open your eyes, you are met with Chenle’s worried ones already watching you. You immediately frown. 

“What’s wrong?” You ask. Are you a bad kisser? Does your breath smell? Does he regret it? His response is unlike those, shocking you when the words leave his mouth. 

“I don’t want to break your heart, Y/N.”  He looks away from you. His body is still positioned above you, the position being one that makes it hard to avoid your eyes (and one that is even suggestive).  Still he tries his best, that is, until he feels your soft hands cradling his cheeks just as he has been doing to your own just a few minutes ago. 

“Chenle, look at me.” You say, though your voice is wavering. He obliges. “Why are you worried about that?” 

“I just-” You can tell he would look away if you weren’t holding his head in place, he can’t hide his eyes now. “I’m just afraid I'll do something to hurt you and that you’ll hate me.” He says, which isn’t the whole truth but is also not a lie. 

“Why would I hate you? I could never.” Chenle wants to scoff sadly when you say that but you cut him off. “I’ll promise to not break your heart if you promise to not break mine.” You extend your pinky in between your faces. 

Chenle winces internally, feeling like he already broke your heart. And he is more scared now that it’s real. That you like each other and this probably makes you guys a thing, that he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings like he knows he will. But he also thinks about the fact that he has never felt this way with anyone else, that you were the first girl he ever felt comfortable enough with to let in his room, that you have glow in the dark stars like him and that it kind of feels like you’re split-aparts that have finally found each other. The longer he could keep you by his side, the better. 

That’s when he decides to let himself live in this world, at least while he can. He wraps his pinky around yours and lets your thumbs touch, sealing the deal.

He doesn’t have time to regret his decision because you lean up and catch his lips before he can think of anything but you.

🏀

Two weeks later, and most of your days have been spent much like this one. Chenle’s arms wrap protectively around your middle as you read the messages on your phone. One being a reminder from the president of the student council about the special dress code for Valentine’s Day. 

You turn in Chenle’s hold and meet his sleepy eyes, he smiles. “Did you see what the student council is doing?” 

“Mm?” He replies, you turn your phone to him. “A dress code?” 

“Yep, white for single, pink for complicated, and red for taken.” You say, bringing attention back to you phone. “I’m glad I look good in pink.” 

The statement confuses Chenle. “What do you mean pink? What is complicated?” 

You startle at the awareness and worry on his voice compared to the sleepy mumbles you were getting just moments ago. “Well… I mean, you never asked me to be your girlfriend.” 

Chenle freezes. You were right, he never did because part of the bet was to have a girlfriend by Valentines, it made him feel as though he wasn’t a complete asshole if he hadn’t completed the bet. “You’re right.” 

You watch him expectedly, but receive no response. Holding back a sigh, you bring your attention back down to your phone. 

“Are you upset with me?” His soft voice meets your ears. 

You shake your head. “Of course not, why would I be?” 

“It’s not fair to you that I keep you waiting.” None of what I’ve done to you is fair, he thinks. 

You reach up and stroke the hair that frames his face, smiling softly. “I’ll wait until you’re ready, Chenle. You know that.” 

It scares him how soft you are, how warm and safe he feels when he’s with you. That’s when he decides, it’s best if he waits out this week and lets himself live like this longer, even if it’s for a bit. 

“Kiss me.” He whispers. And you do. Pushing your chest flush against his, making sure every part of your body touches his own; remaining like that until you are sure you have blisters lining your lips from how much you’ve kissed him. 

The two of you end up hotly panting, you straddled over his lying figure. Chenle looks up at you from where he is before sitting up, suddenly, you feel the warmth of his hands tug at the edge of your shirt. His eyes ask for permission, which you reply to with a nod. 

You’re nervous. Very much so. You wonder if this will be the first time you have sex or if anything else will happen. 

Chenle lifts your shirt off your head and places it next to your body. “Is this okay?” He asks, his big innocent eyes looking up at you. 

“Yes.” Is the only answer you can formulate. 

The boy maintains eye contact with you as he says the following words. “Do you want to take off mine?” 

Your face flushed red, you can feel it. “I-if that’s okay with you.” His answer is in the form of his hands leading your own to the hem of his shirt, before letting go and putting his arms up. Your hands are shaking as you grab the clothing, slowly pulling it up, exposing his pale abdomen inch by beautiful inch. 

You smile at him as his head finally reappears from the whole in his shirt. “Hi.” You say, he smiles.

What he does next is something you didn’t expect from the lead up of events, unlike anything you’ve seen in erotic movie or read about in novels. 

He wraps his arms around your waist and pushes you down to lay next to him, he then pulls you towards him so that your the heat of your torso melts into his own. He shuffles until he is as close to you as he can get, only then is when stops moving. Resting his cheek against your own, you feel his breath on your ear. 

“I just want to be close to you, to hold you.” 

Just like that your heart is full to the brim once again. 

-

It’s the night before Valentine’s Day and Chenle is restless. He had decided tomorrow would be the day he would tell you everything. He would come clean and the two of you would start over (right?). He had practiced what he was going to say for hours earlier that night, wanting to have the perfect words so that his message got across to you. Still, even with all that practice, he knows there’s no guarantee that you won’t hate him. That you will swear him off and never speak to him again, when he has become so fond of you. The thought makes his hands ache and toes curl in an angsty feeling. 

After tossing and turning for nearly two hours, he finally gives up on sleeping and opts for looking at the stars stuck to his ceiling. He wonders if you’re awake right now. If you’re thinking about him while looking at your stars. He imagines your messy hair and pajamas and smiles softly to himself. “I miss her.” He says out loud, to the darkness of his room. 

Suddenly, everything happens in a flash as he throws his covers off himself and marches to the closet, pulling out his favorite red hoodie, grabbing the Valentine’s Day gift he had gotten you days ago then he’s in his car. Desperate to get where you are. 

-

It’s nearly 1am when you hear the knocking on your window. You had just begun to fall asleep when the noise startled you awake. 

Upon inspecting your window cautiously, you gasp when you see Chenle’s blonde hair. The window opens with a click. “Chenle! What are you doing here?” 

What is he doing here? “I just wanted to see you.” 

His words flutter your heart. “But it’s 1am, on a school night.” 

“I know that, I just…” he scratches the back of his neck because in reality he doesn’t know why the hell he even came here in the first place. “I had to give you something.” 

He extends the bag in his hand out to you. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” 

The bag contains two items, the first being the red hoodie you had seen Chenle wear many times before. His smell reeked off of it, causing you to nearly die of delight. “Wear this tomorrow.” He says. “Cause you’re mine.” 

You don’t know that his heart hurts for you, he pities you for being the one who causes him to lose all self control and make decisions that will hurt you in the long run. He feels so sorry that he couldn’t wait until tomorrow, that he just wanted you today, now. Before you get the chance to hate him. To run away. He wanted you to be his. 

You say nothing to him, only smiling bashfully as your cheeks matched the color of his clothing item. You look into the bag and see a black box that would be the second item. “What’s this?” You say to yourself, smiling up at Chenle. You open the box to reveal a beautiful necklace with a pretty pink diamond hanging off the end. You gasp. 

“Chenle, I can't accept that.” You say, closing it. You knew the necklace probably cost more than your house, you felt guilty taking it. 

“Please accept it. I bought it for you. I want to see it on you every day.” He seizes the opportunity to reassure himself. “And yes. It cost a lot, so that means we have to continue seeing each other, hm?” 

“Chenle…” you say. 

“Please.” He says in a way that makes you wonder if this is only about the necklace. 

“Okay.” 

You pivot and allow him to clip the chain, you turn to him and catch his reaction to the jewelry resting against your upper chest. “How do I look?”

Chenle’s eyes study the necklace before looking into your own. He smiles somewhat sadly as his arm reaches up to stroke your own. “You look beautiful.” He whispers. “Just like I knew you would.” 

You can’t put your finger on it, but something about his demeanor is unsettling. “Chenle, is something wrong?” You ask, to which he shakes his head weakly, but the sad look on his face tells you otherwise. You figure it had something to do with his family and refrain from asking. Instead you cup his cheek to provide him comfort, he leans into your touch and shits his eyes momentarily. “I love it. Thank you.” You say in a quiet voice. Chenle watches your features move into a soft smile before impulsively leaning forward to peck your lips. 

“I’m so happy.” To be with you, to be yours. “Let's be happy together for a long time, okay?”

You don’t say no.

-

The next morning you arrive before every other student to school. Chenle’s red sweater rests on your figure as you reach your locker and take out what had been heavy in your mind since last night. The letters. You were going to give them to Chenle and ask him to be your boyfriend. Sure, you were nervous to do so, but you knew Chenle was someone you wanted to have in your life for a long time. That's why you slip the envelopes decorated with his name one by one into the vent of his locker. 

You remember thinking this would be the beginning of something great. 

You were wrong.

🏀

There’s a pep in your step as you make your way through the halls after school clad in Chenle’s red hoodie, heart eyes searching for the boy. 

And for the first time in probably ever, you wished you wouldn’t have found him. You wished you didn’t have to see Chenle pressed up against his locker with his hands resting on Ava’s hips as she kisses him roughly. 

“Oh my god.” You say, voice small but enough to catch Chenle’s ear. The boy immediately pushes Ava away from him and turns to the sound of your voice with pleading eyes. 

“Y/N-“

“Look who showed up!” Ava interrupts, turning fully towards you. “I was wondering when you were going to come looking for him like you always do, I bet you’re glad it’s over, right Chenle?” 

The way the boy looks away from your eyes to shift his guilty gaze to the floor makes you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. “Chenle what is she talking about?” 

When the boy remains silent, Ava’s high pitched voice answers for him. “Well, since he doesn’t seem very talkative right now, I’ll just tell you myself.” She clears her throat, as if setting the scene, your hands are starting to ache. “A month ago, our darling Chenle made a bet with his friends after our break up, you know as boys do, they said he couldn’t get another girlfriend before Valentine’s Day. Obviously, Chenle’s competitive self took that as a challenge and it’s obvious that you had been in love with him for like ever so you were the easiest target.” 

The way the world stops spinning isn’t like it’s described in all the romance novels you read, it’s not the good kind that makes you feel like you're floating that nothing could stop you, it’s the kind that weighs you down and makes you feel dizzy, causing you to stumble. This is what you feel when you ask: “Chenle… is this true?” And the boy just stares at you, for a second before looking away once again. 

“Of course, it’s true. He was even showing me the pathetic love letters you wrote to him.” She motions to the stack of letters in Chenle’s hands. You gasp, feeling like every last bit of you was torn apart. The thought of them reading the deepest tellings of your heart and laughing at it, all when you wholeheartedly believed that the boy you spoke about in the letters was finally all yours.

When he wasn’t. He was never yours. But he wanted you to think that. 

“Oh my god,” you run to him and attempt to rip the letters out of his hands only for him to hold on tighter. “Let go, Chenle.” 

“Y/N, please-“ 

You can’t help the sob that creeps up your throat as your attempt weakly to shake your heart out of his hands. “Please, let go.” 

Chenle watches you cry before him and feels like that the act of ripping his actual heart out of his chest would hurt less than this. 

You take this moment of weakness and rip the letters out of his grasp, before running down the hall. 

-

It’s only when you feel a hand grasp your shoulder and spin you around that you realize that Chenle has followed you all the way out to the parking lot. 

Seeing him caused every bone in your body to ache, and the contractions in your heart were hard to ignore. “Wait, okay? I need to explain somethings to you.” 

“I don’t want to hear your explanations! I just want to go home.” You realize that you probably sound like a bratty child but you couldn’t care less. 

Chenle nods, “Okay, then let’s go.” 

“Not with you.” 

Chenle can't help the dagger that the sentence shoots into his heart. “Then I’ll say what I need to say right here!” He exclaims, trying to mask his pain with anger. “It’s true that I made a bet with my friends to date you the day I first drove you home, and it’s really shitty of me, I know. But I had just broken up with Ava and everything was so messy and I just wanted to make her feel bad so I said yes. “ He pauses, “I said yes and so I went to you since I knew you liked me-“

“Jesus,” you wince, embarrassment creeping up your throat and clogging it up. Your eyes water as you think of how truly fucked up the situation is. 

That day, one month ago, you were right to question Chenle’s intentions. No, he didn’t admire you or see you the way you saw him, you were just easy bait. And everything has been a lie. “I can’t- I can’t do this.”

Chenle tries to stop the tears of guilt that threatened to leak from the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” 

“No you’re not.” Your bitter words are a shock to Chenle, he had never heard you use that tone with him (or with anyone) before. “You’re not fucking sorry.” Tears of humiliation and frustration run down your face and Chenle wants desperately to cradle your cheeks in his hands, but thinks he might never be able to after this. “It might not have been a big deal to you Chenle, but you were my first kiss, you were the first guy who ever took me on dates and drove me around in his car, you. And I thought you were the first boy who ever liked me.” The smell of him you once loved reeks of the hoodie covering your body, however, instead of feeling welcomed and happy you feel like it’s creeping up the sides of your neck and suffocating you to no end. You groan as you grab the hem of the article and rip it off your body, leaving you in a flimsy t-shirt to combat the winter cold. 

Chenle sighs, “I know you’re mad at me but you’re going to get sick if you walk home like that. It’s cold.”

You scoff in response, “Lucky for you then, because you don’t need to worry about me anymore.” In a quieter voice you say. “I was probably just a burden to you this whole time.” 

The boy immediately opposes the statement, “You were never a burden, I liked hanging out with you. I care about you.” 

“Only because it helped you win that stupid bet, and to make your ex jealous!” You exclaim, finally looking into his sorry eyes. He looks tired, you almost falter in your stance before putting up the wall separating you two that had always been there before the day he drove you home. 

You wished he had never approached you, because the Chenle in your dreams would never do this to you. 

It’s in that moment that you feel the weight of the dove on your neck, your finger move to unhinge it as you place it on top of the hoodie resting against his chest. You watch his jaw tense as he looks at you. You make eye contact one last time with the blonde haired boy in front of you, Before sadly turning away. 

“Y/n please,” it’s the weakest you’ve ever heard his usually booming voice. “Don’t leave me like this. What about our promise, huh? You’re breaking my heart right now.” Chenle knows the attempt to get you to stay is pathetic and desperate but he’s at a loss of what to do. 

Angrily, you spit. “You broke my heart the moment you approached me that day so I guess that promise was made to be broken wasn’t it?” 

Chenle watches you walk away with your arms wrapped tightly around your shaking body. He sees as you walk past a trash can and dump all your letters into it, wiping your tears and starting your journey to the bus stop. 

And he would never share this with you, walks up the trash can with tears in his eyes and reaches into the garbage, picking out every letter in there. He figures it’s the only piece of your heart he can manage to save for himself. It’s proof that the hate you now hold in your heart for him was once love. 

Even if he ruined everything. 

-

You never knew they called it heartbreak because your chest physically hurts this much. At times you feel like throwing up, at others you want to throw all your belongings across your room. The pain was almost unbearable at the beginning, embarrassing and hot flashes of anger running through you constantly as you think back to that moment.

You don’t go to school that Monday, telling your mom you were feeling sick. Which isn’t entirely a lie, especially when you see Chenle’s car pull up outside your house that morning. You feel like throwing up again. You’re angry at him. So so angry that he thinks things will be the same after what he did. That he thinks he can pull up at your house and drive you around after completely breaking your heart. 

You pull the blinds down as your mom comes through your door. “Honey, Chenle is here.”

“Tell him to leave.” You seeth, tears running down your face. You wipe them away frustratedly. “Tell him to never come back here, Mom.”

Your mother watches with sad, sympathetic eyes. Before nodding solemnly and closing the door on her way out. 

Due to a strange urge, you peek through the blinds and wait to see him walk out your driveway. He does, dragging his feet. Much to your dismay, he stops suddenly and turns to face your window. You immediately step away in the darkness of your room, away from the light and Chenle’s eyes. 

-

Three weeks pass, things at school remain the same for the most part. You hang out with Donghyuck like you used to. You try your best to not look over at the athletes table even when you feel Chenle’s eyes on you. However, somethings do change, you no longer spend your class time daydreaming about a certain blonde boy, or writing love letters on the back pages of your notebook about how pretty his eyes look when they catch the light. Instead, you stare out the window of your classrooms, wanting nothing more than to be in your room away from everyone once again. You sigh and look away from the window momentarily before looking up again. You startle as you see Chenle on the other side of the glass. Watching you with eyes that looked like they had a lot to say. You shudder  when you take in the bag under his eyes and exhaustion written all over his face. You want to believe it’s because of you, you hope it is. You hope he can’t sleep at night thinking of you. Nevertheless, you remember what happened on Valentine’s Day and realize you were probably too insignificant to him to have caused him to be this way. 

He softly smiles at you, bringing his hesitant hands up to wave at you, only for you to avert your eyes away from him and to the teacher at the front of the room. 

Chenle looks down dejectedly before continuing his walk, meanwhile you sit at your desk, wanting to escape more than ever. 

-

Three days later, your mother informs you that you have a visitor. “Tell him I don’t want to see him.” 

“It’s not Chenle.” She says before confusedly adding: “He said his name is Jisung.” 

Jisung? What the hell is he doing here? “I’ll be down in a minute.” 

When you finally get down stairs Jisung smiles awkwardly at you before gesturing towards the door. “Do you like milkshakes?” 

-

“What is this about?” 

The words that say heavy on your tongue the whole car ride here finally leave you as you sit across Jisung at Billy’s. He sips his milkshake before clearing his throat to speak. “How have you been?” 

You’ve been really shitty. “I’ve been fine, I guess.”

Jisung hums, rubbing his hand together before sighing. “I guess we should just get straight to the point, then.” He pauses, “Have you spoken to Chenle recently?”

While you figured this meeting had something with Chenle, you still sit up straighter when you hear his name. You clear your throat as if this is a kind of declaration. “No. I haven’t spoken to him since Valentine’s day.” You don’t want to ask about him, so you try the next best thing. “Why- why do you ask?” 

“I haven’t seen him since last week.” Jisung says, something in your stomach doesn’t sit right. “He’s been missing practice, which he never did, and he’s not answering any of my messages or calls. And the pre-final game is tomorrow and no one has heard from him.” 

His words are bazar. Basketball is unarguably the most important thing in Chenle’s life, why would he risk this chance of winning the championship like this? “He hasn’t spoken to me either, sorry.” You say, but your mind is fogged with worry as to where the boy could be. Jisung remains silent for some time before he clicks his tongue. 

“I know what happened between you two.” You avoid his gaze and feel blood rush to your cheeks. “And I think you’re right for not talking to him after that.” 

How could he say that about his best friend? Still, you nod. “But I think you only know a part of what’s really going on here.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, yeah. The whole thing started as a bet, but after a few weeks Chenle told me that something changed. He said he didn’t want to do the bet anymore, that he felt guilty for using you like that because he ended up really really liking you Y/N and I’m not just saying this because he is my best friend or anything but I think when the time is right, you should give him a chance.”

You finally look up at him and realize upon feeling a tear trail down your face that you were crying. You wipe it away quickly and sigh. “I don’t know, Jisung. He really hurt me, I was so embarrassed I felt like I could die.” 

“Sometimes we make stupid decisions.” The ‘we’ reminds you of the story of Jisung and his girlfriend’s love story that Chenle animatedly told you about one night you stayed at his house. You remember wondering how someone as sweet as Jisung could do any of those things, and how his girlfriend could forgive him for any of it.However, you knew the love they had for each other in their hearts was more than the anger due to his actions. You wonder if the attachment you have for Chenle would ever be enough. 

Jisung reads your mind. “I think he loves you.”

Your eyes become wide as planets before you scoff in disbelief. “Don’t say that.” You say, weak hearted.

“He does! While you two were still a thing he wouldn’t stop talking about how cute you were, how good you are at basketball and how you have the same glow in the dark stars on your ceiling that he does.” 

What? You didn’t think cared enough to talk about you or to remember those details. “He told you that?” 

Jisung nods, “And a lot of other things, but I don’t think we’ll have the time.” 

“He… he never told me he loved me.” You thought Chenle had just come into your life as a lesson to always be on your guard, to never let anyone in and protect yourself above others. But now… you wonder if you meant more to Chenle than you thought.

“Take it from me,” Jisung says, “sometimes those 8 letters can be the hardest to say.” 

🏀

Once you’ve parted ways with Jisung, (who offered to drive you home to which you politely declined to, telling him the walk home would give you time to think) you make your way home on your dirty sneakers and think about what Jisung said. 

It’s hard to believe that Chenle would actually say those things about you, while knowing he was playing you. You wondered if it really did change for him like Jisung said, and if he really felt sorry like he was telling you that day in the parking lot. 

You’re so lost in thought that you don’t realize the familiar car parked in front of your house until you hear the voice your heart has been longing to hear for weeks now. “Is Y/N home?” 

You bolt to the nearest bush and duck behind it, close enough to hear their words but far enough that Chenle and your conflicted mother are unaware of your presence. “Oh, I’m sorry sweetie she went out a few hours ago.” 

“Oh.” You flinch when you hear the disappointment in his voice. “Can you tell her I stopped by?” And that I miss her, he wants to say but you don’t know that. “And please give this to her too if it’s not too much trouble.” You hear shuffling as Chenle hands whatever it is he wanted to give you to your mom. 

“I will, sweetie.” Your mom says. “And Chenle?” There's a pause in which he hums. “Get some sleep, honey.”

You can imagine that Chenle throws her his signature polite smile, “I will try, Ma’am.” 

It’s not longer after that you hear his sneakers against the steps of your porch and see him get into his car. You have a perfect view of him from where you are. Watching as he frustratedly runs his hands through his hair and throws his head back against the seat. You don’t know why you feel sorry for him. You know you should be angry but after what Jisung told you, you need to stop yourself from going to him. 

-

You contemplate if even looking inside the bag is a decision. 

It sits in front of you neatly on your bed where you had placed it after your mother handed it to you with a worried: “He looks so tired, Y/N.” Which caused hurt to arise in your heart. 

The bag is a bright red one, the type that usually is full of candies and sweets, maybe flowers. You want to know what is inside manically, but you're afraid about what this would mean for your relationship (if you could even call it that) with Chenle. Is this his final goodbye or is this him trying to get you back?

You had to know.

Upon opening it, you are shocked to see a pale yellow envelope with your name written in Chenle’s messy handwriting on top. You grab it with shaky hands, the texture is different somehow, because for the first time ever, this letter was meant for you.  

Inside, there is a loose leaf paper much like the ones you had sent to him neatly folded. Your heart beats in your ear as you finally see the first words, you breathe in deeply and read away.

“Y/N, 

       I thought for a long time about what I would say to you in this letter, I’ve been sitting on it for three weeks trying to find the right things to say that would convince you to forgive me before I realized that they all sounded tacky and cliche when I read them back. So, i’ve decided to just go with the truth. It’s true that at first I wasn't honest with you, that I only approached you to complete a dare my friends had given me that day and I won’t make any excuses because I was such a huge asshole to you. I was just so hurt that day because of Ava and I wanted to make her feel like shit so bad, I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me and I used you to do so, Y/N. But after I approached you and started spending time with you,I started thinking back to all the times I would look at you when the sun came in through the window in the English classroom before I had even spoken a word to you. I bet you didn’t know I did that, did you?” 

You didn’t, the you at that time would’ve freaked out if she knew though.

“I remember thinking you were so pretty, that you were untouchable to me so i just never tried. But something changed when i got to know you, i realized that you were the coolest person i’ve ever met, that you were real and that you were there with me whenever i needed someone. No one has ever made me feel so safe and comforted. I became selfish with you because I never wanted it to end. I didn’t want to tell you because i was scared you would hate me do you hate me? The night before valentines i went to your house because i planned on telling you everything the next day, i wanted to see your happy eyes just once more just in case i ruined everything. On Valentine’s day, when i got to school and read your letters. You wouldn’t believe how happy I was to read all the wonderful things you said about me. I was so happy that you held me as close to your heart as I held you to my own. I was going to tell you everything after that, i was going to confess and tell you that i couldn’t go another day with this secret. I was going to tell you how i felt but Ava stopped me, she told me she knew about the bet and then she kissed me and that's when you showed up. I’m so sorry you had to see that, I’m so that i used you like that. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you but I want you to know that I meant everything I told you, I loved spending time with you, and being with your family made me feel so special. I remember thinking we were split aparts and i know that sounds stupid but i really want you to know that i meant it. And every kiss we shared and every time I held you I felt it and I really really really mean it when i say that i loved you. I loved you so much that I didn't ever want to lose you.”

The past tense makes your chest tighten.

“I won’t tell you to forgive me, but your spot on the bleachers looks so empty without you. The pre finals are tomorrow and i would love it if you came, to cheer me on like you used to. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to but I wanted to give you something that would portray how serious I am about this. That if you are willing to come cheer me on with a part of me with you.”

This when you reach into the bag and pull out the item that once laid underneath your letter. The 22 of Chenle’s basketball jersey stares back at you, you gasp as you hold the fabric in your fingers. You had watched him run around the court with this very jersey plenty times before, you knew how much being number 22 meant to him. You were grateful he would trust you so important to him, you really wanted to grab his face and tell him that. Instead, you finish reading the letter. 

“You make me feel brave. And I will forever be sorry for what I did to you, but I mean it when I say I loved you I still love you. 

Please come.                                                         - Zhong Chenle.”

He loves you! Present tense. You could almost jump from joy. You want to see him, tell him you love him too. A million times if you can. You want to say that you forgive him for everything, that you have felt incomplete without him these past few weeks and the Chenle you made up in your mind was too perfect anyway. 

-

Chenle sighs for the upteenth time the next afternoon as he stretches along with his teammates. He tries his best to take his mind off of you for the time being, at least until after the game is over, he needed to focus but he found it very hard when he began to wonder what was going through your head when you read his letter, and if you were coming today.

He startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Hopeful, he turns. His hopefulness fades away when he sees Jisung standing before him. 

“Damn don’t look too sad to see me.” He jokes. Chenle shakes his head

“It’s not that…” Chenle explains, biting his lip nervously and subconsciously looks toward the bleakers where your empty seat was. Jisung gets the hint. 

“Chenle,” he says. “It's okay, she’ll come.” 

Chenle wants to ask him how he is so sure, that if he were you, he would hate himself too. Instead, he nods at him and readjusts the waistband of his shorts on his hips as the coach calls for the team to step out onto the court. 

People immediately start cheering for the players as they come into the view, girls go crazy in the stands and the members’ friends and families cheere enthusiastically from the side lines. The players smile and wave at their ‘fans’ doing a lap around the court to warm up and high five audience members. 

Chenle can only bring himself to smile half heartedly and wave weakly due to the fact that your spot on the bleachers still remains empty. 

He sighs out again, puffing his cheeks as the referee finally calls for the first round. That’s when his adrenaline starts pumping and he feels a bit better. 

The game goes on. 

-

Chenle’s jersey is only a bit big on you, almost fitting like something that would be your size, still, you try to pull it down over your hips in a nervous habit. You finally made it to the game, having fun late due to traffic. The spot you usually sit in is occupied by a woman holding a baby, so you decide to stay and watch from the sidelines, standing. 

The first time you see him, he is running across the court so fast he becomes a blur. You only know it’s him because of the head of blonde hair you see in the blurry image. He looks breathtaking as always, his hair being pushed away from his face by a sweat band being an addition to his look you wouldn’t mind seeing again. 

His sneakers squeak against the floor as he gets in position to shoot. You cross your fingers, but something is off. His eyebrows are furrowed in something that doesn’t look like concentration, but more like worry. His legs give him the impulse to jump up and soon enough his arms are shooting the ball towards the basket. You watch in disappointment as it hits against the rim and bounces back at him, he catches it with a frustrated click of his teeth. 

The audience has already begun whispering, having never seen the star player miss a shot. 

One of his teammates comes up to give him a fist bump of comfort, Chenle accepts it but still holds a troubled look on his face. The thought crosses your mind that it might  be because of you, it troubles the organ in your chest as much as it warms it. You notice he keeps glancing at a certain part of the bleachers, this is when you know he meant everything and that he surely is waiting for you. 

“Chenle!” You yell, trying to get his attention.

The boy doesn’t look your way, your voice getting lost in constant shouts and chatter from the people in the crowd. You try again, louder this time. Nothing. 

You groan frustratedly, the boy continues the game the best he can, but he’s out of it. You hate to see him like this, a deep hurt in your chest rising up. You cheer for him as loud as you can, deciding it would be better to wait until after the game to see him. 

As the game is coming to an end, Chenle appears to grow more and more tired and absent. Nevertheless, his team scores the winning point and the audience goes wild, including you. Chenle smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

 You can’t wait to hold him and tell him you forgive him for everything and that everything is going to be okay, and be with him for real this time. To have him be yours and be best friends against, go on nightly drives and have impromptu dance parties, to lay on his bed and count the plastic stars on his ceiling, to kiss him and be close to him. 

And for it to be real.

🏀

Chenle can’t help but feel dejected when your seat was never taken by you. He should’ve known this would happen, that is true but there was a fraction of him that thought you would read his letter and realize how sincere he was, he thought there was a part of you that knew it had been real and there was no way everything he said could've been made up. But he was wrong, and now as he packs his gym bag to go home, he faces the consequences of his high hopes. 

He’s mad, practically throwing his belongings in his bag, he almost throws his phone in the trash can next to him when he hears the ringtone go off. Chenle answers it with an irritated, “What?”

“Hey.” He recognizes your voice that same instant, still he pulls his phone back and makes sure its your caller ID before speaking again. 

“Y/N? Oh my god, hi!” He clears his throat  before repeating himself. “I mean, hi, hey.”

You hold back a laugh, noting his nervousness. “I’m sorry for calling so suddenly.” You decide to tease him, although, unbeknownst to him, you wear standing about 20 feet behind him after finally finding him in the now that the crowd of people has dispersed after the game. 

“No, don’t worry about it. I was actually…” Chenle flicks the zipper of his bag with his nervous fingers, “I was waiting to hear from you.” 

“Were you?” 

“Yeah, I wanted a chance to talk things out with you and uhh… i'm sorry if me asking you to come out to the game was too much or if it made you uncomfortable I didn’t-“

“Chenle.” Your voice cuts his rant short. You internally marvel at the fact that you aren’t the one caught in a nervous ramble for once. “It didn’t make me uncomfortable. I’m here.” 

“You’re here?” Someone clicks in his mind as he frantically looks around him in an effort to find you. When he does, his eyes turn soft and a smile takes over his face. “You came.” 

You nod at him, feeling a bit overwhelmed when you finally make eye contact with him. There are people between you too, Chenle begins to close it as he walks forward. “I did. I just wanted to tell you that I missed you.” 

“I missed you more, I swear on it.” He replies.

Your eyes burn, you wipe them and lighten the mood. “And that Curry would be sad to see you so out of it at a game.” You click your teeth jokingly. “What do you think he would say if he saw you like that cause of a girl?” 

He laughs, “I think he would understand, after I tell him how amazing you are.” 

You blush. “I also wanted to tell you that your jersey smells like you, and I like it.” This makes him beam, speeding up his footsteps that carry him to you. 

“Is that it?” He asks, jokingly. 

“And that I love you, Zhong Chenle. Not the Zhong Chenle that I had a crush on for 3 years and not Number 22 but you. The rawest versions of you. I love all of it and that i forgive you for everything.” He slows his pace in shock, his chest heaving. 

“You mean that?” His voice is wavering and you can see the flush on his cheeks from how close he has gotten. Suddenly, he is taking big steps until he is directly in front of you. He puts his phone down and his pretty eyes look directly into your own. 

Chenle’s face is hopeful, happy and lovestruck. He whispers: “You love me?”

You can only nod, overwhelmed. Chenle smiles wide, you can almost see his molars and his eyes disappear. “Say it.” He says, in a wondrous tone. 

“I love you, Zhong Chenle.” 

“Oh my god, yes!” 

And he’s kissing you, arms wrapping around you and pressing your body against his, his finger grip at the jersey on your body and he moves his lips against yours. Every memory that you have ever shared, every kiss, every touch, and every laughing fit come to your mind. It’s all you can think about as you think about this boy. You don’t think about the bad part, because that doesn’t matter anymore now that Chenle is yours and you are never letting go.

-

4 months later; Graduation 

“Chenle! Come on!” Jisung yells as he sees the boys floppy newly dyed orange hair amongst the crowd of people. 

You were all posed for a picture, blue cap and gowns adorning your bodies and your parents huddle you together for a picture. “I’m coming!”

Your boyfriend appears from the crowd with his cap in his hand along with a giant bouquet of flowers. He walks directly to you, extending it with a smile. “For you.” 

Your friends start squealing, playful hitting you and Chenle and your parents smirk at each other at the portrayal of young love before them. You cover your face with your hands to hide your blush. Chenle laughs and hugs you to his side. 

“Y/N! Chenle! Pose for the picture!” 

The two of you run to where your other friends are posing, haphazardly getting into the frame and posing crazily. 

The air is full of laughter and youth as the sun begins to set on your time in high school. For a moment, you’re too busy basking in the presence of the relationships you have developed while in there that you forget you won’t be seeing these people every day like you had been for so many years. Or that your lives might take completely different courses and things won’t be the same after this. Instead you allow yourself to enjoy this moment. 

🏀

You do think about it when you are on your way home though, in the passenger’s seat of Chenle’s car. His hand holds yours over the gear and he smiles to himself while humming along to the songs on the radio, unaware of the internal conflict going on in your head. 

It wasn’t until he parks outside your house that he realizes that something is wrong. 

“What is going to happen to us now?” Is your reply to his questioning. Chenle’s eyebrows furrow.

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean-“ you collect your thoughts, “high school is over, and we’re going to go to college and we will be so busy and what if-“ 

“Whatever you think will happen, won’t happen.” 

You look at him, offended that he could dismiss your worries so easily. “You don’t un-“ 

“I do understand. You’re worried that now that we won’t see each other every day that we’re going to drift apart, right? And that we won’t be together, am I right?” 

You nod silently. 

“Y/N, how many times am I going to tell you that I’m crazy in love with you? I won’t let you slip out of my hands, baby. Not again.” Chenle says firmly, sincerely. His eyes widen so you can see right through him and know he is telling the truth. 

His pale hands come up to cup the sides of your face, making you face him. Your tear filled eyes meet his own. He brushes away your tear that rolls down your cheek. “I’m sorry, I was just overthinking.” You say.

“Don’t be sorry.” Chenle shakes his head, leaning forward to kiss your cheek lovingly, letting it linger for a few seconds before pulling back. Smiling upon seeing your smiling face. 

It happens in a flash, now that the moment was right. Chenle gasps, starling you. “What?! What’s wrong?!”

“I love this song!” And he’s turning it up all the way on the car radio, rolling down the windows and stepping out. “Come on, Y/N!” 

You don’t let him see the pure happiness on your face that you wanted to mask with annoyance. Chenle dances on the sidewalk crazily and you laugh in the passenger’s seat. You decide it was best to not let your boyfriend embarrass himself alone, wiping the excess of your tears and step out of the car. “M’lady has arrived to the dance party!” He exclaims. 

And as you start dancing wildly together, the sun begins to set causing a golden hue to fall over your features. Anyone watching the scene could either think that you’re crazy or they will see what is really there: split aparts that have finally found one another. 

Chenle thinks so too, he stops dancing for a bit to catch his breath and just watches you. He remembers the pain it took to make you his, how much you both cried and the beginning of the relationship was far from ideal. But there is no doubt in his mind that there are not enough glow in the dark ceiling stars in this world that will amount to the love he harbors for you in his chest. He was so happy that he had met his split apart, he couldn’t thank the universe enough. 

This when he reaches forward and spins you around to face him. His chest against your own, you feel the rumble of his words from his chest when he says: “I’m so glad I found you.” And then he is kissing you, and the ground seems to melt away from your feet. You’re floating hundreds of feet in air and forget to take a view of your neighborhood from up here because Chenle is all you can think about. Because he makes you feel this way. You whisper in between kisses, he smiles knowingly, he feels it too. 

“We. 

Are.

Off.

Our.

Feet.”

[svgurl410]

Can't help it I want to send you another one - Clark/Oliver for #8 Roommates (oh my god they were Roommates 😏) Also dealer's choice but I would not complain if Lois found her way in this too lol 👀

Haha send as many as you want! As long as you're willing to accept that I can be a very slow writer. XD Also, by found her way into this, you mean took over, right? Because that's definitely what happened.

Send me a ship and a number

clark/lois/oliver. ~2.5 k. Same age/college AU- they're all graduating soon and Clark's afraid of losing the two people he loves the most.

“Smallville, you are an angel.”

“You probably say that to anyone who gives you caffeine, so I won’t let the praise go to my head,” Clark said, dryly, moving to give Oliver his own cup of coffee, before settling down on the couch, with his own mug.

“Nah,” Oliver drawled from his spot on the armchair, his laptop on his thighs, as he shifted forward, to pick up the cup. “I think angel is a good description.”

Clark rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t deny that the words still resided deep in his heart.

“Besides, normal people don’t make coffee like this,” Lois pointed out.

“Considering how much you’ve had today, can you even tell the difference at this point?” Clark challenged, looking pointedly at the clock, which declared it almost 1 am. “Sleep is probably better for you than another cup.”

“Please, don’t insult me- I am an expert in all things coffee,” Lois proclaimed, from the other end of the couch, as she shifted her sock covered feet to rest in Clark’s lap. He was all too used to her antics at this point, and just let them linger. Besides, he couldn’t deny how much he liked her open affection. Both her’s and Oliver’s really. “Anyway, I’m almost done with this paper and then I can call it a night. Two more finals and we’re done for good.”

Oliver repeated the sentiment with obvious enthusiasm, neither noticing how much work it took for Clark’s face not to fall.

Two more finals … and they were done.

Clark should be excited. He was graduating from college, with a degree in journalism, ready to stop studying and start a career that he was passionate about.

But as he looked between Lois and Oliver, as they all resided in Clark and Oliver’s apartment (and Lois was there so often she was practically their third roommate), preparing for finals week, all he could feel was dread.

Dread, because the sooner they were done, the sooner he would lose them.

Two of the most important people in his life, the ones he was so used to seeing on a daily basis … who also happened to be the two people he was desperately, hopelessly in love with … they would just be gone.

Sure, Lois and he were both planning on journalism as a career, but the field was so competitive that the chances they landed in the same state, much less the same city or paper were slim. As far as Oliver went, he would move back to Star City, where he would take over as the CEO he was destined to be.

Clark would be lying if he said he hadn’t looked up jobs at the Star City Gazette, but just because they would be in the same city didn’t mean that they would see one another.

It wouldn’t be the same at all. And Clark, who had always struggled with change, found he wasn’t ready for this one.

These thoughts had been plaguing him, especially the past few weeks, no matter how hard he tried not to think about it. He could too easily picture how their lives would unfold post graduation. Maybe they would see each other now and then but growing apart was almost a certainty. Soon, communication would slow down, as they fell into their own lives and they would see each other at a reunion or maybe he would get invited to one or both of their weddings (perhaps to each other- he had felt the chemistry and was still truly surprised they never dated).

One day, he would just be ‘their old friend from college, Clark’, and the idea made him sick.

But it seemed that he wouldn’t have a choice. He didn’t know how to stop the changes he knew were coming.

Fingers snapped in front of his face, and brought him out of his gloomy thoughts.

“Smallville!” Lois said, and he looked over to meet her frowning face. “Are you listening?”

“No,” he admitted. “Sorry, I got caught up in my thoughts. What were you saying?”

“We were saying that we should have a big celebration, when we’re done,” Oliver answered, expression unreadable as his gaze was focused on Clark.

“Think we can get Clark over to a club?” Lois asked, with a cheeky smile.

Clark grimaced, causing them both to laugh.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Lois finished.

“I mean, I guess we could try-” Clark started, thinking back to Lois’s 21st birthday the previous year. That place hadn’t been that bad.

“Nah,” Lois said, waving her hand. “I was joking. We’ll find something for the three of us. One thing is for certain- this summer, we are doing that road trip!”

“Can’t I just fly us to wherever you want to go?” Oliver asked, wrinkling his nose, and setting his laptop down on the coffee table.

“Silence, rich boy, this is about the journey, not the destination,” Lois declared, causing Clark to let out a small chuckle.

“The journey to see the World’s Biggest Coffee Cup?” Oliver said skeptically, but Clark could see the twinkle in his eye and knew he was just messing around.

Lois knew it too, from her expression. “That’s part of it!”

“I’m putting my foot down at renting an RV,” Oliver warned. “And I don’t care what you say - I am paying for a hotel. We are not sleeping at the nearest, cheapest roadside dump you find.”

“You are going to have to get over what happened in Austin eventually,” Lois complained.

“I saw things that I will never forget,” Oliver said darkly.

“Spoiled.”

“Guilty.”

“Now, now, children, play nice,” Clark teased, head moving back to rest against the couch.

“This is not the time to be the rational one, Clark,” Oliver insisted. “You know I’m right. You don’t want to be sharing a room with the cockroaches any more than I do.”

“They aren’t very considerate roommates and they refuse to even chip in for the bill,” Clark acknowledged, causing Lois to pout. “But that doesn’t mean you can book us all the Ritz, Oliver. We’ll find something reasonable.”

“Fine, fine, have it your way,” Oliver said fondly.

“It could be fun though,” Clark said, smiling wistfully. “One last trip.”

“Yeah, and then we’re off to work,” Lois agreed. “I’ve been looking up jobs- both the Star City Gazette and the Sentinel have multiple openings, and I talked to someone in HR there, and they are expected to have at least two more in the upcoming months. What do you think, Clark?”

“Me?” Clark asked, eyebrows furrowing, confused. “Of what?”

“Of Star City,” Lois replied. “Unless you want to be back in Metropolis, so you can be closer to home. The Daily Planet doesn’t seem to have any openings right now though, and well, Ollie is obligated to be in Star City for the time being, but who knows in the future, right?”

Oliver nodded. “Yeah, I am going to be traveling a lot anyway and for the first few years I have to be in Star City, but Metropolis could eventually be an option. Besides, if you both end up in Star City, you can just stay with me.”

Clark tried to keep up with the conversation, but it felt like he was lagging behind and wasn’t sure how to make headway.

Lois swung her feet off his lap and he missed the touch immediately. She let out a long yawn, rubbing her eyes. “Oh, it is way too late to be talking about this, but we do need to start planning our future soon.”

“Our future,” Clark echoed, dazed. “As in the three of us.”

“Obviously,” Lois said, standing up and stretching. “What, did you think we’re just going to go our separate ways after graduation?”

“Yes.”

The answer was out before he could think about it, and Lois stopped in her movements, turning to him, eyes wide and mouth turned downward. As he looked over at Oliver, he saw his friend looked surprised and hurt.

“Do you … want to go our separate ways after graduation?” Oliver asked, tone uncharacteristically cautious, and expression blank once more. Clark found he really hated that look, the one where he couldn’t immediately understand what Oliver was thinking and feeling.

“I thought that was what you guys would want,” Clark explained hurriedly.

“But all we’ve done is talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ in the past when we were talking about our next move,” Lois pointed out, sitting down again, this time right next to him.

Sure, but he didn’t think they meant it. Didn’t think they had included him in their plans. Why would they? Clark wasn’t the one who was considered; he was the one people tended to leave behind.

“We’re not leaving you behind, Clark,” Oliver said tightly, and that was when he realized he had said that out loud. His face turned red, cheeks feeling hot, and he dropped his face, eyes focused on his feet, which shuffled awkwardly against the wooden floors, brushing against the rug under the coffee table.

His throat was tight, and he couldn’t form the words if he wanted to.

“Clark.” There was Lois, her arm on his shoulder, and he leaned into her touch. “How could we ever leave you behind? Did you really believe we don’t care about you at all?”

“I guess I didn’t think about it,” Clark muttered, finding his voice.

Lois lightly punched him in the shoulder. “You made two big mistakes, Smallville: you fed us and took us home with you to meet your parents. You’re stuck with us now. Deal with it.”

“Really?” He couldn’t stand how insecure he sounded, but couldn’t help it.

Oliver got up and sat down on the arm of the sofa, leaning against Clark for stability.

“Obviously,” Oliver said firmly. “And while we’re on the topic, we’re not talking platonic bonds here either, just so we’re clear. I’m crazy about you. Lois is too. Getting rid of us now is basically impossible. You’re going to have to change your name and go into hiding or something.”

“You never said anything,” Clark murmured.

“Well, there was no right time to ask, ‘hey, Clark, what are your thoughts on a polyamorous relationship’?” Lois said, one side of her mouth lifting up. “We have a good idea that you felt the same, but we didn’t want to risk losing you. Figured it could come up on the road trip.”

“And you both have talked about this?” Clark asked, looking between them, wondering how much they had decided.

“Only once,” Oliver assured him. “Just to confirm that we were on the same page. You’re harder to read than you think.”

“So, are we?” Lois asked hopefully. “On the same page?”

How could he say anything but yes? The idea that he could get everything he wanted, everything he thought he never could have was still a little mind boggling, but he wasn’t dumb enough to miss the gift that was basically being handed to him.

“Yeah, I mean, I care about … both of you,” he admitted. “I just didn’t think you felt the same.”

“Oh, there are some strong feelings there,” Lois promised. “And if neither of you mind, I would really like to kiss Clark. Do you know how distracting that mouth has been? It’s not even fair.”

Oliver let out a loud laugh and Clark could only watch Lois as she came closer, and he didn’t stop her as she kissed him, and he returned the kiss with equal passion, and when they parted a few moments later, he was grinning, the taste of Lois’s mouth one he never wanted to do without again.

“How was it?” Oliver asked, leaning forward.

Lois licked her lips. “Amazing. You should try it.”

Clark turned his head toward Oliver and Oliver watched him, hand lifting up to caress Clark’s cheek.

“Can I?” he asked quietly, warm brown eyes searching Clark’s own.

Clark stared at his friend and roommate, thinking of how far they had come over the years, and all the not quite friendly fantasies he had been having about him almost as long, and how he wanted more than anything for Oliver to kiss him. Had wanted that, and more for ages.

So he didn’t reply, instead surging forward to meet Oliver halfway and as their lips connected, Clark felt at home. He could hear Lois whistle and he smiled into the kiss. Oliver was just as good a kisser as Lois, and Clark wrapped a hand around Ollie’s neck, tugging him closer and Oliver fell right onto Clark’s lap, the two of them resting their foreheads against each other even when they separated.

“Now that is a show I wouldn’t mind seeing more of,” Lois chipped in.

Catching his breath, he looked at Oliver and Lois. “Aren’t you two going to kiss?” he realized.

“Why? Do you want to watch, Smallville?” Lois asked, but her eyes were on Oliver. “Secret exhibition kink? Here I thought you were a boy scout.”

“Not so much,” Clark retorted. “And something tells me you don’t mind putting on your own show.”

“Plus, his hand is currently on my ass, so I’m guessing not a boyscout,” Oliver remarked.

“Problem?” Clark countered, letting his hand stay where it was, and Oliver shook his head.

“Not a single one.”

“And who can blame him,” Lois offered. “So, what do you say, Ollie?”

Clark held his breath as Lois and Oliver leaned in and shared a long, deep kiss. He had never been a big fan of PDA, uncomfortable with public displays, but this? This was definitely the exception. To say he wouldn’t mind seeing more was an understatement.

“Huh, why did we wait so long to do this?” Lois wondered afterwards.

“Clearly, we’re idiots,” Oliver responded instantly.

“Have you two really never kissed before?” Clark asked, not feeling resentful or jealous, just genuinely curious and surprised; it was amazing what requited feelings could do. “But I thought you said you talked …”

“Only talked,” Oliver interrupted. “We were waiting for you.”

“Oh.”

“Finally get it now?” Lois asked, but she sounded kind. “We’re not letting you go.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

His heart filled with a mix of love and joy, gaze darting between the two of them, and he couldn’t imagine being happier. Lois rested her head on Clark’s shoulder, her hand coming up to entwine with Ollie’s, who seemed quite content sitting on Clark.

He loved them; somehow, they both loved him along with each other.

And he definitely got it.

Clark was suddenly very much looking forward to the future.

[jenivi7]

First Lines Tagging Meme

I'M SO HAPPY TO BE TAGGED IN THIS TWICE!  Thank you @ink-flavored and @clyde-side !! (I almost just did this on my own too because I love babbling about my own fics...)

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line.

Now pinned and under a cut because it became a really long, really good introduction to me and my stories! 

Hello!

Unnecessary and overly wordy introduction/personal musings: I love opening lines so much. When I worked at a bookstore, I used to open books and hardcore judge them on their first lines. I had barely any free time to read at that point so if it didn’t grab me in the first line or two, I put it back. The first Harry Potter book is actually in my pile of really good openers. “Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.” (Subtle alliteration, HELLO??) So I'm super excited to see if my own first lines come even close to the standards that I apply to other people lol. MY OWN MONEY IS ON NO. I have the feeling that I'm so frantic trying to get the story down on paper before the good words disappear from my head that I'm not actually paying attention to the first line. BUT LET'S SEE, SHALL WE.

So just straight up going backwards, I've written and posted TWO BRAND NEW THINGS after being away from fandom almost entirely for 10+ years! They're drabble length but they're shiny and new! <3 (All available fics are linked!)

1. Tango:

She teaches them to dance so that they can dance with her but when Atem gets that mischievous smirk on his face and pulls Yugi into his arms, their bodies spark and the dance floor smolders at their heels.

(The fic is so short that this is a full 1/5 of it but actually, I think I crammed all the good stuff right into that first line. This already might be my favorite. Like it says there in the line itself, Puzzleshipping.)

2. No Betting:

Anzu sat at the kitchen table writing carefully calculated answers onto sticky notes before attaching them to a fourth-grade math worksheet.

(Peachshipping! This one doesn't pop off until about line five so here's the rest of that bit:)

She had the same arrangement with her spouse as most parents had. When the kids were good they were hers. When they were bad, they were his. And when they were winning at games because they picked up rules with uncanny speed and read their opponents with more insight than ought to be available to a child, they were definitely, definitely his.

3. If you wanted honesty that's all you had to say (working title):

When he realized that the figure sitting under the game shop display window and smoking wasn’t Ryou, the physical body response was as though it had discovered a coiled snake not two feet away.

(This one! It's a NEW half finished(?) WIP. I actually started this one before the drabbles but wanted to finish before posting it. Then it got out of hand, then work got out of hand, then I started a couple more projects and well. I keep putting words on it though and eventually there will be a Kleptoshipper that turns into Puzzle and Tender for your reading enjoyment. Also, fair warning - don't use song lyrics as a working title. Every time I look at the document I get the song stuck in my head.)

Now we have polished up reposts of old stories for their move to AO3, where I'll basically keep my master archive. Not full re-writes but I fixed a bunch of typos and awkward sentences and they're much stronger for it. Most of these are from a pairings contest way back when so LOTS of different pairings and lots of AUs!

4. Human:

It was like a bad noir, the thought crossed both of their minds.

(Scifi AU, Rivalshipping. That one's not bad for a first line. Actually no link at the time of writing cause the re-edit is going up in like, a half hour? an hour? a half day? It's my next project after finishing this, finishing up the edit and posting it on AO3. Now with link!)

5. Blood:

Fingers through midnight black hair, whispers in his ear, touches that sizzled along the skin, awakening nerves and senses. 

(Dungeonshipping, Pegasus x Otogi, vampires AU. Oh that’s a nice first line! <3)

6. Crazy for You:

The keys are too large and too heavy for the doctor more used to more modern facilities but she doesn't say anything, just follows the orderly as he pulls the large door open.

(Manipulashipping, Anzu x Marik, Psychward AU. Still one of my favorites from that era. Big bold warning though, THIS ONE CONTAINS NON-CON)

7. Finality:

“What are you doing here?”

“Saying goodbye.” Bakura’s translucent arms swept across the graveyard. “Is this not an appropriate place for it?”

(First two or so bits of dialogue as the first first is a generic question. You can tell this is one of the really old ones just by that but it's a sweet, sad little Tendershipper that still has a special place in my heart.)

8. Pieces of You:

Glitter caught the light, leaving shimmering trails in the air as it got everywhere.

(Glittershipping, Anzu x Kisara. Another one that's special to me. Kisara is my girl and my first writing muse. <3)

9. Cambodia:

“It was summer of fifty three...”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, it can't have been fifty three. You might be that ancient but I'm not. It must have been sixty three.”

(Jiishipping. Yes. Sugoroku x Arthur. HEY, IT CAME UP IN THE RANDOM DRAW FOR THE SHIPPING CONTEST OK. And my writer's brain hasn't backed down from a challenge yet... Another one that takes 4 lines to pop off but it's a good start. Actually, here's the rest of the bit just because I cannot get enough of these two bickering:)

“What do you mean it must have been sixty three? You don't even know what story I'm trying to tell.”

“Am I in it?”

“What?”

“So you're deaf now as well as daft? AM I IN IT?”

“Of course you're in it, y'old coot. Don't know why I'd tell a story without you in it when both grandkids are sitting here.”

10. Coffee and Cigarettes:

"Cigarettes and coffee? That's not a very healthy lunch." 

Mana crossed her legs and took a refined sip of her own coffee even as her company was not. 

(Mischiefshipping, Mana x Thief King Bakura. Oh this one I'm actually sad that it doesn't immediately sparkle in the first line cause it's one of my absolute favorites of everything I've written. And I think it's the only time I've ever written Mana but I LOVED IT AND HER. Oh no! I lied, I've written her at least one other time though I don't think that one quite captures her sheer chaos energy like this one does.)

11. A Million Missed Chances:

Somewhere along the line, someone made a choice.

(This one. THIS ONE. I think this is by far the most epic idea I've tackled. I still don't know if the sheer scale of the thing came across in the actual fic but in my head it was massive and I remember pounding away at my teeny tiny laptop late at night because the whole thing hit me maybe a day or so before the story was due for the pairings contest. We only had a week to write each fic and my really good ideas never came to me before the very last minute. T.T Conquestshipping, Mai x Valon.)

12. A Fear of Falling:

She drove.

Like she always did when something bothered her.

(Oh the first chapter on this is also one of the really ancient ones. Like one of the very first things I wrote. That first chapter really shows its age and is a little shaky but the others are better and the last one is what fits into the chorological order here. Polarshipping, Jou x Mai. One of my very first ships. Probably THE first actually <3)

13. What Our Creators Make Us:

"Well, well." The match flared, scattering dark shadows until it was blown out and the only light that remained was the red glow from the cigarette end. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

(Psychoshipping, Marik x Spirit of the Ring Bakura. With a bit of Bronze, Angst and Tender in the follow up. Old but I'm ridiculously proud of it, hence it's place in the master archive. Ahaha you can tell how old it is though by how clever I think I am. I thought it was funny to make my audience figure out who was talking and not reveal the characters for a good fourth to third of the fic. Ahhhhhhh. Sorry about past me.)

14. A Revolution of the Spirit:

It wasn't fair.  It just wasn't.

That they were close was understandable (you don't get much closer than sharing headspace) but that even now, after deals were made with gods, endless arguments, compromises and the ultimate guilt trip that he had only been a teenager when he willingly sacrificed himself for all of humanity, things she had only half seen and only partly understood even though they had all been there to witness, that even now Atem continued to invade Yugi's personal space as though he belonged there got on her nerves.

(Woah Nelly! That third sentence should probably be three, four and five. Even if I just split it in half we'd continue the pattern of things popping off in the fourth line. I think that's one pattern that's emerging! A really good bit takes me about four lines to set up and deliver! Oh, the challenge was Revolutionshipping, Anzu x Atem, but the fic is actually Spiritshipping, Anzu x Yugi x Atem.)

So confession time, I haven't been out of fandom completely, I just hadn't written my own standalone stories in a very long time. There are a few (ok ok more than a few) long-running rps that @miss-moberg and I have been adding to on and off over the years. I can't resist throwing in a couple of these.

15. Cafe!

The door shut behind them with the soft click of the latch and the exhale of a breath long held.

(This opening line was from December of 2020 when we rebooted a very old Prideshipper and that is a damn good opening line if I do say so myself. I can definitely see the difference now between the newer works and the older ones. I've gotten better, she's matched me pace for pace and eventually something will be finished, I'll work up the courage to ask permission to post it and the whole internet will get to see how brilliant the two of us are together.)

16. Treasure Hunt!

"Ryou, I think you're going to regret letting me tag along on your adventuring this time."  Yugi didn't bother turning away from the airplane's tiny window to see if his seatmate was paying attention.  He was more thinking out loud with his friend playing the role of a convenient sounding board.  "Because I think this trip is the only thing I'm going to talk about ever again."

(One more from RP because it's got that fun, four line punch that we've discovered is a pattern for me! Opening entry is from 2017.)

Also, in truth, my count is a little off when I say I'd been out of fandom 10+ years. I've been away from YGO for that long but I did spend a brief stint in Homestuck where I read a ton of fanfic, flirted with a couple group RPs and even wrote a tiny bit. 9 years without writing a new fic isn't as impressive as saying ‘over a decade’ but it is a little more accurate.

17. What You Will:

In the land of fair Illyria, along a small, sandy stretch of its rocky shore, a ship has come to ruin and one lone woman lies still as death among broken wood.

(The beginning of a Homestuck/Twelfth Night crossover that I'm still determined to work more on someday. It's only got a single chapter but it's magic though now I'm concerned about not being able to recapture that. Not a bad first line though. The style is so different it took me reading it a couple times before going, oh yeeeeeah, that's pretty good!)

18. Relentless:

You pull him to the deck and then across it by the remains of his shirt. Let him say one last goodbye. His ship pillaged, his crew murdered, his hands bound behind his back and at your mercy.

Funny word, that. Mercy.

(The first line is pretty decent but there's that four line combo again! Five but I could basically fix that with a comma. Featuring the troll ancestors Mindfang and Dualscar because every time Hussey introduced new characters they were instantly my favorite.) 

19. Black:

There is dark and there is dark and there is dark and then there is black. She is black. Licorice and coal. She is hate and resentment and everything that tastes bitter, the kind of black that coats the tongue like oil, drips down the back of the throat and keeps going.

(Oh wow. Am I allowed to say that about my own work? A Terezi/Vriska drabble that I'm putting as much here as I think I can get away with because it's so good that it fucks me up a little going back and reading it.)

And here it gets tricky because I think the more recent of the old, old fics are in the Drabbles and Shorts collection on ff.net and I can't see a post date. So I'll just pick a good one to end on.

20. Two Princes:

It was inevitable as the rising of Ra's chariot after a long night, as the flooding of the river banks every spring, and Atem always knew that Yugi's kiss would be as warm and gentle as the evening breeze in the summer that brought relief from the scorching day. It was.

(How about the final honor going to more Puzzle/Blind? This probably has the strongest first line of its era. Actually I'm not sure when it was written. It was just hanging out in my writing folder and, thinking about it, I probably wrote it when I was fading from fandom the first time around but still trying to hang in there. No wait! That’s too sad, we can’t end on that! Lets add one more to the list for the sake of personal narrative!)

21. Linger:

The world doesn't need him anymore. It doesn't need his sword and it doesn't need his pen.

(A tiny Princess Tutu afterward that I wrote for myself. Nice one-two punch in the opener. Also it rounds out the personal story that accidentally developed here with a line later in the fic, "Words, however, never stray far from a good writer..." Like, wait, stop. Past me, how did you know T.T)

Did that take a sudden emotional turn for anyone else or was that just me. Can I offset that a little with an honorable mention? Let’s do that while I collect myself. Here’s one more.

Honorable mention: Ryou and the Thief

There was a storm gathering and too much magic in the air. Much more than occurred naturally and magic at this level was never a good thing.

(I can’t have a list of things I’ve written without having Ryou and the Thief on it. If you click on this one though, BEWARE, it’s old, it’s silly and it has a ton of explicit gay sex that… would be written very differently if we were handling it today I’m sure! This is the first RP @miss-moberg and I ever did together and our excuse to Gemship and Puzzleship turned into us running the boys through a whole adventure based on the Osiris myth. It’s the longest thing I’ve ever completed and I’d still consider it kind of my legacy.)

And that’s the last 21(+1!) stories that I’ve written! 

The clear winner of best first line for me is 15. Cafe! It’s short, elegant and manages to contain a whole mood even without the context of what’s going on and who’s involved. (Spoilers: It’s Seto and Mokuba making an AU escape from Gozoboro.) Close second is Tango, the most recent story. It’s neat to see just how much better I’ve gotten and also really cool to see that even if the first line itself doesn’t contain a punch, it’s usually because there’s a nice, strong idea being set up and delivered in the first four lines (or so). What a pleasant surprise!

AND WOW, this whole tag thing didn't need to be so long! Or personal! Seriously, if you get this tag from me the challenge is only to list the first lines to 20 stories and maybe try to draw one or two conclusions from them. You all thought I was joking when I said I loved talking about my own writing! But actually, I guess it’s fine like this as I ended up using it as a way to re-introduce myself. Like, "Hey, I used to live here a long time ago and oh my god I love what you've done with the place!" Rather than being someone who's just popped up out of nowhere a few weeks ago to creepily bother all your best of the best creators so....

^///^ Hello!

Thanks for letting me ramble!

Tags! I think I've seen most of the authors I follow do this already but on the off chance you haven't been tagged yet: @elexica (checked your blog to see if you'd already done the tag and saw that you're another person returning to writing fanfiction after 10+ years. Same! Hello!!), @danieco, @draconicmaw, @nedjemetsenen (has someone tagged you already?) and two shots in the dark, @miss-moberg and @edmondia (I'm so sorry you two. T.T Please feel free to block me forever.) And please, anyone else who wants to babble about their own writing! Do this, it was so much fun. <3

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 9: Pre-Wedding Jitters

Y’all know what’s wild? The season is coming to a close! I feel like we just got started with Season 8, and it’s already nearly over. I’m not ready for things to end...except the love triangle. Lol.

One important thing I want to talk about, before we move on to my regularly scheduled episode write-up, of course, is the quality of the writing and filming this season. I really feel like the team took a step back and thought very carefully about how to improve the show, and then they went through the effort of actively trying to improve things. 

Are there still badly-written areas of the show? Absolutely. Are there things I loathe seeing? Yes. Are there plotlines that are extremely contrived even by Hallmark standards? Unfortunately there are.

But I don’t think anyone can deny that the writing this season is, overall, an improvement over Seasons 5, 6, and 7. The only thing that I feel about S8 that is worse than 5/6/7 is the love triangle, but it had to come to a head eventually so it was always going to be a point of contention among the fans.

I’ve seen a ton of negativity going around the Internet, and you are all entitled to your opinions, but let’s hold back from being too angry until we see how things will work out. After all, there is a chance, however small, that Hallmark will end up surprising us.

So here’s to hoping that the writing quality uptick will continue as we move into Season 9.

And now, our plotlines from this episode:

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

The Wedding Planning/Party

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, pastor position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

This was another episode that felt pretty smooth in its storytelling; it had some smaller plots going on, but two primarily large plots, a smaller one that revolved around Henry, and then a few small (connected) plots from previous episodes/that overarched the whole season!

Sorry for the muddle by the way, it took me hours to type this and I’m too tired to read it over thoroughly before posting. If you see any glaring issues please let me know so I can fix them, though!

--

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

Let’s just get the pig slop out of the way, shall we? I think we are all in some sort of agreement by now that we’re tired of the triangle and just want to see it resolved as soon as possible so that we can get on with our lives and invest our interests in the right place(s). 

I also believe most of us are also in some kind of agreement, however we feel about the characters, the triangle, and who Elizabeth’s choice should be, that this thing has been very poorly paced. This sentiment seems to be echoed across the Internet right now. The pacing is AWFUL. After two years of almost nothing happening, now we’re going to bullrush to the end of the triangle? That’s a yikes from me, Chief. (Wait, didn’t I say that last week, too?)

I was never a fan of the narrated beginnings of episodes. I think they’re really tacky and boring. That said, there’s no other way to get into Elizaeth’s head easily because...I don’t know. Either Erin isn’t that skilled or the director doesn’t know how to direct her, or the script sucks. They struggle SO MUCH with show-don’t-tell that they have to resort to telling...which is fine, sometimes. This is an instance where telling is just mega redundant since she says the same exact thing probably 10 more times in the episode. I wish they’d have just kept the first part of the reflection or focused more on that—how Nathan talking about it...makes it feel fresh and raw again in a way she didn’t expect.

Anyway, Elizabeth writing that she’s been “left to reflect, once more, on the senseless accident that took [Jack’s] life” is ridiculous. Senseless? He was in charge of the training mission, but unless I’m losing every last marble I’ve ever had, wasn’t it Jack’s choice to go after the younger recruits who had been separated? Wasn’t it thanks to Jack’s quick thinking and intervention that only one person lost his life that day (Jack himself)? 

This is where the whole “Jack died heroically” thing kind of matters, actually. Especially when you butt it up against Nathan being the original person intended to go. Would he have risked his life like that? We’ll never know, but I’m sure Nathan thinks about it a lot, and it’s not something that should be left out of this story.

It’s valid for Elizabeth to wonder why Nathan kept the Secret hidden from her for almost three years, but what is really troublesome is the weird shift she seems to have between Casual Curiosity and Stricken Grief about it.

I grew tired of mopey Elizabeth in S4 and 5, so I’m not happy to see her back. Fewer eye drops, please. -_-

Anyway, it almost felt like a breakthrough when Elizabeth asked Rosemary why she thought Nathan took so long to tell her about Fort Clay, but Rosemary’s response was so bad. “He didn’t think it was important enough.” WHAT? WHO WOULD SAY THAT? Rosemary can be a bit thick-headed but that was almost too contrived for me to willingly follow. Anyone with a brain would realize it was IMPORTANT and THAT WAS WHY IT WAS A SECRET.

And when Elizabeth’s like, “Not important enough?” BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT IS IMPORTANT... Rosemary just tells her that Jack’s death wasn’t Nathan’s fault.

Which. She’s right. But that doesn’t make the secret unimportant. It’s still kind of a big deal. He’s confessed to being in love with Elizabeth multiple times now. Even Rosemary can’t be so dumb that she doesn’t realize that the connection between Jack’s death and Nathan is...meaningful, especially to Elizabeth. And that Nathan knew this and couldn’t bring himself to tell her because he knew it would hurt her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to give Elizabeth a bit of grace here, because she’s just so self-centered I almost can’t stand it. To be clear, Elizabeth has ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. It’s just that usually the issues at hand aren’t about her, they’re about someone else. 

Rosemary’s right but what she said was straight-up stupid. I don’t know, I don’t think the characters are out of character so much as the dialogue just didn’t flow very naturally and I felt like the characters were making assumption jumps to force certain responses. If Elizabeth can’t agree with Rosemary that Jack’s death isn’t Nathan’s fault, then she should have expressed that a bit more directly so that Rosemary could draw the conclusion that Elizabeth does feel it’s Nathan’s fault. It came across like Rosemary was speaking to the audience more than to Elizabeth, and I didn’t like it.

--

The most delightful scene in the entire episode has to go to Allie and Lucas. That was so cute and wholesome and good. Her asking if she could sit at the bar, him offering her a treat, her trying to return the gift ‘cause she felt caught in the middle and like it wasn’t fair to accept it... SO GOOD. They remembered the gift multiple episodes later AND incorporated it into this episode flawlessly. LOVED IT. 

Also, she asked an important question. LUCAS...where DO YOU LIVE?!

His story was a bit silly but I actually enjoyed it. It gives him a more playful vibe and also I think was almost entirely to ensure that Allie felt more comfortable and less anxious about what was happening around her. It was also his way of reassuring her that him courting Elizabeth wasn’t going to take Elizabeth out of Allie’s life...and that things will be okay.

I enjoyed it.

Things were a bit awkward with Elizabeth and Allie but they felt...better than before, so I felt like the conversation helped.

--

Lucas calling Allie “Allie Grant” was nice now that her adoption is official! I appreciate that.

Elizabeth and Lucas talk about how Lucas told Allie he’ll “work things out” with Nathan and Elizabeth definitely doesn’t appreciate it, and with somewhat good reason: she doesn’t like being caught in the middle of things any more than Allie does.

The thing is...she has had the power...all this time...to tell Nathan straight-up to leave her alone/that she isn’t interested. I stand by what I said before, that she shouldn’t have to tell him no for him to respect the boundaries she’s set, but if he’s not respecting those boundaries she needs to be firm about it.

I like how Lucas comes off in this scene. He wants to understand, he listens, he’s patient, he doesn’t push. I’m here for it.

She tells him what Nathan told her and he seems a bit overwhelmed by it, too. It’s pretty clear that he realizes she must be feeling all kinds of things after finding that out, especially after all this time. 

Again, for the second time, Elizabeth doesn’t seem all that grief-stricken about the secret being kept from her for so long: she tells Lucas she just doesn’t understand how he could keep it from her. 

He asks permission to suss out an answer and Elizabeth politely declines and says she’ll ask herself, but to please forgive her, she needs some time to...think.

She watches Lucas go and then...touches her wedding band.

-

Nathan meets Rosemary in the library and goes on a long boring monologue about how he’s read like, three whole books that women wrote, but still doesn’t understand women. No shit, sherlock. That was terrible writing...just straight up bad writing.

But I’m not exactly surprised because the very next thing that happens is that Rosemary tells Nathan...she’s been in his eXACT position before!

No...you have not. Yes, you were the unwanted third wheel, but that’s where the similarities ended, and you should have clarified. This just didn’t hit well for me, I don’t know. I don’t want to say it’s out of character, but...I don’t think Rosemary is this soft gentle personality anyway. I feel like she was always a bit more in your face with the things she said, not “try to encourage a manner of action in a very roundabout way” like she is in this episode. But again, without a logic jump from Rosemary, this scene doesn’t quite work.

I think I might have preferred Rosemary to play dumb and ask what specifically he didn’t understand about women. Make him freakin’ say it. And then she could react better. 

--

We get Love Confession #3 or whatever we’re on with Nathan, now. Let’s go over the entire scene.

Elizabeth walks into Nathan’s office and instantly asks him why it took him so long to tell her what happened.

He says he felt guilty and when she tells him she doesn’t understand, he goes on to say that after the accident he requested a transfer to Hope Valley. He never met Jack but he knew he’d left behind a wife and child, and felt it was his responsibility to look after them and protect them.

She asks why he would assume that, and he explains that he felt it was his duty. And that when he found himself falling in love with her, he felt like he was betraying Jack and his memory. That’s why he didn’t tell her.

He then takes it ONE STEP TOO FAR and says, “I fell in love with you, and I think that love is always worth fighting for.” 

Elizabeth says “Excuse me,” and leaves. Nathan’s face afterward is maybe a decent mix of “I probably shouldn’t have said that” and regret, but...woof.

Anyway, I was fine with this up to the point where Nathan said, completely unprompted, that love is always worth fighting for. How does he know? What are his experiences with love? Books he read, written by men??? PLEASE.

READ PRIDE & PREJUDICE U SWINE... ELIZABETH FALLS IN LOVE WITH MR. DARCY BECAUSE HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER MAN AND THEN DOES SOOOOOOOOO oh wait this is turning into an Elizabeth/Henry argument...OOPS?

Anyway, yeah. Not a fan of that line. It almost feels like there’s something missing. She’s standing in front of him about to cry because she feels hurt that he didn’t tell her this, you know, crucial information, and he’s just like “Yeah I didn’t tell u cause I love you and felt like i was betraying jack’s memory and also lol love is worth fighting for babe!” What kind of confusing mess of babble is this?

Honestly, it just left a bad taste in my mouth. :( I have so many really obnoxious opinions about Nathan and what they’ve done with him this season, but I feel like I should save them for a season summary podcast or something, just in case Hallmark ends up surprising me. Right now I just feel like they really just wanted to give him what the fans hated about him (he wasn’t passionate enough, not manly enough, not forward enough with his emotions, at least from what I read on Reddit and Instagram last year), but in like THE WORST POSSIBLE WAYS and for the wORST POSSIBLE REASONS in the VERY WORST SCENARIO.

I feared that would be Nathan’s reason for coming to town from the moment the character was announced and...I wanted to be wrong.

Anyway, I really liked his self-awareness up to that point. He never met Jack, which keeps some of the weirdness at bay. Also, he felt like he needed to make sure Jack’s family was okay, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t call it noble (as Rosemary later does), but it’s not exactly bad, either. Then we got the line of him admitting that it felt kind of bad to fall in love with her. I wish he’d gone on to say that wasn’t supposed to happen, or even given her a reason he loves her (so that it doesn’t feel like we’re just being told everything), because his line about love being worth fighting for right after he says he felt like he was betraying Jack’s memory by loving her...was...really strange??? Maybe a few sentences were edited out? 

--

Elizabeth tries to refuse to play Fiona’s blindfold game and LITERALLY NO ONE SAVES HER (though I think Rosemary considered trying). I hate the idea of this game solely based on the fact that several people participating shouldn’t even be there (Nathan, Bill, Mike, Fiona, Molly), but Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to accidentally choose Nathan if he wasn’t there, so... -_-

I think I might have actually liked this (her “no” with Carson was super cute actually, probably the cutest laugh she’s ever had on this show) if she’d had the chance to reject a few more guys on the way down the line. If she was closer to the end of the line she’d feel her options were running out and might second-guess herself. Having Nathan be the second person she touches and having her choose is...eh.

Nitpicks aside (their hands wouldn’t feel the same and she held Lucas’s hand quite recently actually), it could have been worse. At least she stated who she was searching for...

BUT UGH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

The thing that gets me about the whole scene is 100% that everyone in town would know about the Triangle drama, so it feels...weird to see everyone so gung-ho to watch this happen... I don’t know... I like having fun too, but NOBODY even TRIED to step in??? 

At least Lucas found some humor in it right away (he smiles). 

I think I wish someone had said something. Maybe Nathan could have said, “Nope, sorry” to lighten the mood a bit? Or Lucas could have said, “Almost!” since he was standing right next to Nathan?

--

Anyway, we’re spared having to wait because the very next scene is Lucas checking on Elizabeth and laughing about her choice.

One line I wish they’d added in is that someone else got it wrong. Imagine if Lucas said, “At least you didn’t pick Bill like Clara did!” Or even just made a joke about it in general like: “Of course I’m not upset. But if you would have picked Bill I might be a little hurt. My hands aren’t that old yet.”

Elizabeth tells him that she spoke to Nathan about the whole...thing and it was awkward. She chooses to not tell Lucas the rest of the reason Nathan gave, but instead only admits that he told her he loves her again. When Lucas asks what she said in response she said she didn’t say anything.

Lucas seems...a trifle upset at this, and understandably so. I think he can sense she’s...not really a sure thing and is worried about it. :( I feel so bad for him right now.

--

Rosemary stops by to see Elizabeth after Lucas leaves, and tells her she ran into Nathan at the library yesterday. Elizabeth tells her what Nathan said in his office and Rosemary says it was noble and selfless of him.

(I mean...it wasn’t selfless. Like at all.)

Elizabeth says she never asked him to be noble. She didn’t ask him to fall in love with her, either.

She asks Rosemary if she encouraged Nathan’s feelings for her at the library. Rosemary says no, but Elizabeth asks again and she interrupts her to ask Elizabeth if she’d rather hear what she actually said or just assume.

Rosemary goes on to say that she just wants what’s best for Elizabeth.

And we get Elizabeth asking how anyone would know what was best for her.

I mean, that’s like 90% on you for not communicating with your friends, but also, it’s 100% on you for just assuming you knew what Rosemary said to Nathan. I think she’s just looking for a reason why Nathan is being so persistent and in her mind encouragement from someone else is the only thing that makes sense, ‘cause she sure as heck hasn’t been encouraging him herself!

This hurts Rosemary’s feelings, probably because she was about to say that she wants what’s best for Elizabeth so she asked Nathan to stop getting in the way lol, and says maybe she should leave (since Elizabeth is in a bad mood). Elizabeth agrees she should go.

End episode. On this note. Woof.

Overall it wasn’t too bad I guess? But I’m not a fan of how some of this was written. It really felt like they cut lines out to make the episode shorter, when...they could have cut out one of the boring side plots. You know. The entire thing with Jesse and Clara, for example. 

--

The Wedding Planning/Party

I admit that I got a little enjoyment out of Florence saying no to all the dresses. Highly relatable. 

Then, at the barbershop, Fiona says the exact wORST possible thing about Florence wanting a hairstyle that’ll “knock Ned dead” FLHDSFAJDSA.

Florence goes on to say she wants anything but “ordinary Florence” and Molly steps in.

Honestly, I wish they’d just let Molly stick to being Florence’s BFF because that’s the role she plays best. Also, I’m almost sad Florence and Ned got together because it means #teamflomo is no mo’. :(

Paul shows up...

I don’t know what I expected but this boy would have been a literal BABY in season one, which makes the whole thing with Florence almost sadder AND it gives Florence more in common with Elizabeth (widow with a young child) BUT I HAVE OPINIONS.

I know what you’re thinking. “Manna, you always have opinions!” Yes, you’d be right. 

They based this off of ONE (1) line of dialogue that Florence had in S1 when something was stolen from her house. She says, “while my child slept nearby” or something like that.

They brought a child in...for that? On one hand...I’m impressed.

On the other hand, I kind of had just assumed they’d retconned that and that Florence had no children (which is why she was always goofing off gossiping with Molly) so I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.

Rosaleen starred in an episode and never showed up again after S1, so I think I’d have preferred to see her return instead of a child we literally never laid eyes on. But he’s a cutie. And he’s named after his father just like little Jack so...I’ll take it!

--

The party begins and we have to do “the men are stupid and don’t know how to plan” again which is really annoying. The highlight of this entire thing was Ned saying (about his hairline) that he’s been driving with the top down since his 30s. I respect you AND ONLY YOU, Ned.

--

The party continues on and they play charades. Rosemary chose weird awful options that don’t make any sense and are hard to act out. Ned’s could have been funny but the one Bill got is just...so weird.

The funniest part about it is looking at everyone staring at Molly as she guesses it.

I think it was supposed to be...cute? Or something? It was just really weird for me.

“Cuddle up a little Closer, Lovey Mine” (yes, it’s “lovey” not “lovely”) was written and recorded in 1908. You can listen to it here. Lyrics here.

They then play the Most Awkward Game Ever, one that would have had me sweating bullets if I’d had to play it. Florence has to find her man by only holding the hands of the other men.

As Fiona says, it’s a bit...risqué, but Florence rejects Jesse quickly and finds out the second man is Bill by squeezing his hands too hard.

Bill explains that his arthritis is flaring up and of course Sara and I jumped on that almost at the same moment:

We like Bill. :P

And then Florence correctly guesses that the next man is Ned. It’s very wholesome and sweet.

But then it’s Elizabeth’s turn because I guess she’s not been traumatized enough this episode. I covered that in the triangle part of the plot, though.

--

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

We start off with a BANG here with Henry and Christopher. Christopher misses Rachel because he’s a twitterpated little FOOL and he tells Henry all about it...while Henry sees Bill tearing apart the stolen car in the distance.

He asks Christopher how he got to Hope Valley from Hamilton and Christopher just straight up comes clean about it: he drove a stolen car that his buddy stole. 

Henry scolds him a bit, tells him he can’t borrow a stolen car, and explains that he doesn’t want Christopher to end up like him. Christopher seems kind of surprised by this and says, “You turned out good.” 

To which Henry replies, “The jury’s still out on that.” 

Christopher says he’s done with that kind of thing, and Henry tells him he believes him.

Honestly, Henry’s “I believe you” got to me. It sounded SO genuine. And also, can I say YET AGAIN that this kid was an impeccable choice to play Henry’s son? WOW. I can’t get over how much alike they are even in mannerisms and looks.

But THEN when Henry tries to say Rachel has something to do with Christopher being done with that old lifestyle, Christopher tells him “And you” AND I ALMOST LOST IT. SOOOOO GOOD. Henry goes on to explain that “long after” he divorced Christopher’s mom, he met Abigail, who saw the potential for goodness in him. And that he can’t help Christopher be a better man because he’s still figuring that out for himself, but if he thinks Rachel can help him, he should do what he can to not lose her.

--

Later, Henry invites Christopher to Ned’s party and Christopher declines but asks what happened to the woman Henry mentioned earlier—Abigail, of course. Henry says she left town to help her mother.

Is this a...hint of things to come? I’m...not sure.

Henry sits down for two seconds before Lucas asks to speak with him outside. Once there, Lucas admits that he contacted Christopher. This is one of the most contrived plotlines we’ve had in a bit, if only because I just can’t figure out how Lucas would have known who Christopher was, let alone whether or not he would be useful? He doesn’t even have the same last name... I mean, what, did Henry write in sparkly gel pens or something? 

But for some reason he contacted Christopher to come work for Henry to keep an eye on him. He’s not proud of having done it, which makes sense. I guess I wouldn’t be either.

Henry’s upset about it. Lucas tells Henry that he took advantage of him and that he had to make sure Henry could be trusted.

Christopher doesn’t know that Lucas told him, though, and Henry asks that Lucas keep it that way.

It makes Christopher’s behavior with Lucas make more sense (when he kept trying to push him around earlier this season), but the timing is just...awful? Maybe talking to Elizabeth about Nathan’s secret made him feel guilty about his own? I’d buy into it more if I felt like there was a really compelling reason for Lucas to feel that Christopher would do any good...but it’s just too contrived for me.

--

Christopher randomly decides to go to Bellingham to see Rachel. Henry tells him not to make trouble if her parents ask him to leave. Henry makes to leave, and Christopher stops him.

I CANNOT SING THE PRAISES OF THIS SCENE ENOUGH. Christopher tries to tell Henry about the thing with Lucas and Henry’s like...you’re different now, you’re starting over it doesn’t matter anymore!!!! Everyone deserves a second chance!

AND THEY HUG AND CHRISTOPHER TELLS HENRY HE LOVES HIM.

They almost got me to cry. ALMOST. I refuse to cry at this show because I refuse to give Brian Bird the satisfaction, but boy oh boy was this close.

Henry responds with a “me too” and makes Christopher promise to write. Then the stage leaves and that is that.

The rest of the storyline for Henry is under the car investigation. They’re related but...only intertwine at the very end so I separated them. ;)

--

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

Car investigation: Nathan starts this episode off on the wrong foot. I think that was...a mistake. THAT SAID...I’m relieved Bill isn’t being written as a complaining whiny pile of trash for once, so I just want to say that...they had to realize after last episode the fan opinion of Nathan would be...not great, so mayyybe they shouldn’t have started this episode off with him literally complaining about doing his job...while he’s in uniform no less. Also he has NO PASSION at all for his job, or for investigating, which I hope means he’ll end up quitting the Mounties. (It could be a hint of things to come...I hope.) 

I mean, does he think Bill got his position for...no reason? Also, thank God Nathan turned down the promotion to Inspector if that was how he was gonna treat actually doing the work?? I’m pretty sure this is their idea of “humor” but boy did it fall flat after the love triangle mess that’s been going on.

The owner talks to Nathan on the phone later and is coming from Hamilton to get his car. Nathan seems to be telling Bill this to discourage him from wasting his time investigating, but Bill doesn’t want to stop lol.

Ned’s comment from the party about his hairline being him “driving with the top down” gives Bill an Idea in the middle of the bachelor party and leaves. Ned looks shook that he produced An Idea.

And follows. Ned is absolutely adorable as he assists Bill. They should interact more?? Long story short, Bill figures out that the top was probably up when it was being transported to Hope Valley (as you wouldn’t want people getting a good look at your face if they’re looking for a stolen car), and finds a footprint in the removable top.

The next day, Bill approaches Henry up at the oil derricks and comments on the fact that Lucas told him that Christopher checked out of his room at the saloon. Henry is up front and honest about where Christopher went, and says he went to Bellingham to see Rachel Thom.

He says, “You know how it is. You love someone, you’d do anything for them.”

The one interesting thing about this comment is that...no, Bill does NOT know. He’s never admitted to being in love in his life. He married Nora, but that was out of obligation (something he makes clear several times). Like, he obviously cared about Nora, but he wasn’t in love with her.

Obviously he’s loved someone enough to do anything for them (his son), but considering he’s dead, and possibly died in a really traumatizing way considering how it’s portrayed, that seems a bit...insensitive. :P

Bill counters it with, “Almost anything, maybe.” 

He then goes on to tell Henry he found a footprint in the stolen car.

And he just. Kind of. Gives Henry. A look. Because he knows exactly who stole the car, he just has to prove it.

Henry stops Bill and says: “A while back I remarked about how you had never solved the mine disaster. Perhaps if you and I get together, I might be able to help.”

Bill doesn’t say a THING...he just leaves. But he looks kind of...put off by the whole thing.

Like he knows what Henry is doing.

Do you know what Henry is doing?

Anything.

For someone he loves.

(Pst. That someone is Christopher.)

As soon as Bill is gone, he picks up a pair of shoes and throws them into the fire.

I think it’s pretty clear that Henry is using this mine disaster thing to protect Christopher, and he’s doing it for this reason WAY MORE than he’s doing it to come clean and be a better man. That’s just my theory, though. I think if Bill hadn’t found anything out about the car, then Henry wouldn’t have brought it up.

But I guess he knows something. The question is...what? And also, when did he mention Bill never having solved the mine disaster? I’m really struggling to remember Henry ever saying that to him, at least not recently. Does anyone recall offhand?

Anyway, I’m wondering if they’ll tie up that whole thing about Noah and Peter that was never addressed on the show to the fullest. You know, the whole thing with them going into the mine knowing it wasn’t safe and not warning anyone. I think a lot of people who watch this show have never been in poverty or lived paycheck to paycheck, but sometimes a person just has to put their head down and keep working even when it’s not safe, because they have to keep living. Or because they had more time to put a stop to things before anything bad happened.

I think blaming Noah and Peter as much as Henry is pretty stupid, but they still shoulder some blame. They were working to fix that problem. Henry wasn’t. He did what he was told and shut up. But maybe there’s a bit more to that story. Could be interesting.

Could also be the worst reveal ever, so...who knows? I’m curious to find out.

BUT ALSO what do they mean Bill didn’t solve that case? The widows sued and won. Sure, he got beat up in S1 carrying evidence out of the mine, but it’s not as if there wasn’t a lot more of it inside the mine, too. Everyone knows the fault of the collapse was due to working conditions being unsafe. What’s left to solve? Is Henry going to give Bill the names of the people who told Henry to keep his mouth shut? 

Or...are they talking NOT ABOUT THE HOPE VALLEY MINE DISASTER, but the original one that sent Henry to Coal Valley (and Nora into a marriage with Bill)? Because that one was not solved. The company just made Henry a scapegoat in that case.

THE WAIT TO FIND OUT MORE IS GOING TO BE TORTURE.

--

Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe: I enjoyed Minnie in this episode and seeing her step in and help Clara and become part of the town was great. Jesse giving more credit to Joseph than Lee was pretty funny, and a nice set-up for Lee realizing that Joseph is a pastor. Lee is apparently head of the search committee to find a new pastor...which...sure...okay. Also apparently the newspaper died?? Uh.

I’m kind of hoping Rosemary’s new passion will be the newspaper since she’s supposedly going to dig her nose into things next episode and she used to write a column for the old paper (so she has some experience). Thoughts on that?

Anyway, Joseph agrees to pastor the church instantly the second Lee asks...so it feels weird that his original goal/plans/whatever just...don’t matter anymore? Okay.

They buy a bell.................WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY BIGGEST PETTY COMPLAINT OF THE EPISODE. BRO THAT BELL STRAIGHT UP LOOKS 3D PRINTED FJLKDSAHFLDSAHFLDSAHFKLDSA

Anyway I’m teasing. The Liberty Bell weighs a little over one ton, and two horses could easily pull that.

No complaints. My husband complained last week that there wasn’t a bell and now there is. It’s like he knew. 

Joseph talks about what a “calling” feels like (I think this will come back again with Rosemary which has me VERY HAPPY): a tug on his heart.

Joseph also tells Lee that the men in his yard earlier were surveyors and that he won’t move, at least not far, because he has a congregation to lead, now. Makes me wonder if he’ll actually sell!

Anyway, Jesse and Mike are cute pals and decide to have a snack in the cafe while the gals are socializing with Rosemary (who has just returned from the library).

Rosemary’s books are on land acquisitions, surveying, and territorial law. 

Minnie and Rosemary decide to talk about this while Clara leaves. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe just ‘cause it was boring lol.

She gets back as Mike and Jesse are talking about, uh, her, actually, and Mike asks if all is quiet on the homefront.

Yes, it is. Unlike the trenches of WWI.

But seriously I thought it could be a joke reference to “All Quiet on the Western Front”...a WWI novel. Since...you know...WWI is going on and hasn’t been acknowledged at all even though it’s almost over now.

Joke’s on me, though...that’s too advanced for Hallmark.

Anyway it’s only quiet for like two seconds, because Clara busts in, thinks they’re eating the food she’s been busting her ass over for the party, and yells at Jesse. It makes everything awkward. Jesse simpers about like a sad little clown instead of trying to be understanding. Yawn. Awful. Bye.

I don’t know what would fix that scene, but I think part of the problem is...I’m just not invested in Clara and Jesse anymore. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to need more time to get over the problems in their relationship but I don’t care about them enough to care about the journey...if that makes sense. I’d rather watch Bill dust for prints on the car some more.

They do have a chat, and work things out, so that’s good I guess.

--

Carson and Faith: Carson has officially stolen the dock from Abigail and Frank, and so my hatred for them doubled instantly.

Me, a territorial loon: THAT SPOT IS NOT YOURS!!!!! FIND YOUR OWN!!!

Anyway Carson makes things awkward and then busts out that he accepted the fellowship without talking to Faith.

She’s kind of hurt by this?? UNDERSTANDABLY?? But then he asks if it would have made a difference. I mean, common courtesy would be at least sitting down like this and telling her, “I’ve decided to accept it.” But no. He just. Accepted it without telling her he was going to. Bro...

They aren’t on the same page for even two seconds. He tells her he was committed to the relationship and put all his plans aside so that she could be happy.

Honestly, as much hate as Nathan’s getting right now, if people gave a damn about Faith I think Carson would be getting his fair share of hate, too. What a jerk???

He goes on to say it wasn’t a waste of his time (when she asks), but never bothers to tell her more or to prove he didn’t feel that way (BECAUSE HE SURE ACTS LIKE IT WAS A WASTE OF HIS TIME). He just says he hopes she changes her mind and comes with him to Baltimore.

At the party Carson and Faith go outside to talk where Carson admits that he should have told her he was accepting the fellowship before he wrote. She tells him that the year she was gone was almost too much time apart for her, and Carson promises to write her and tells her she can visit him, too, but she brings the conversation back to reality. They’ll both be super busy. 

He suggests they get married, and then immediately says he’s not asking (it’s not how he’d propose), but that they could look forward to getting married. (Good thing they laughed ‘cause I sure wasn’t. It was super awkward...) He suggests seeing how they feel in about a year. (Oh...perfect timing for...next season...hm.)

Faith tells him she loves him and wants what’s best for both of them, even if that thing isn’t them being together. They agree to just enjoy the night and worry about the rest later.

Anyway, I feel like these two just have NO chemistry (they’re worse than Bill and Molly in my books). I really appreciate the attempt to give them meaningful material, and I like that Carson has a passion again, but boy oh boy are these two hard to watch. The plotline is really good, but the characters just...aren’t great. I figured if anything they’d give a plot like this to AJ and Bill to tie that up (some kind of conflicting reason she can’t stay in Hope Valley to be written off the show for good) so I was surprised to see it going to Carson and Faith instead, but like...in a good way because it’s actually compelling for their situation! I've been in a similar situation and it feels REALLY BAD to like someone a lot but not be ready or willing to commit to an extreme for whatever reason. Faith doesn’t want to go to Baltimore because she loves Hope Valley and she undoubtedly doesn’t want to see it go without a doctor at all. Carson likes Hope Valley but his passion is in surgery and he can make a huge difference in a big hospital. He could still make a difference in Hope Valley, too (undoubted he’s the only surgeon for many miles around these smaller towns) but he also likes hospitals and their equipment and maybe misses what he had a long time ago.

So it’s a great plot. It’s compelling. It’s even a bit tragic when you think about it!

But my God do these characters just...not come off as convincing. :(

--

Mike and Fiona: The scene with Ned was SUPER cute. Genuinely funny. Mike asking Fiona out. Everyone teasing Mike about how much he likes her. It’s very cute and wholesome. So far I enjoy it a lot. There’s not a lot to talk about here but I like that it’s...simple.

I MEAN...she’s so cute.

--

END THOUGHTS:

I want the next three episodes right now immediately, but I’m also going to be pretty sad when this season ends...I think.

The biggest speculation from this episode, by the way, is that they’re opening things up to write Abigail back onto the show. How do we feel about that? 

Any other thoughts? Favorite scenes? Share!

[mylovelies-docx]

Kid Krow - The Cut That Always Bleeds

A/N: Mwuhahahaha! I really like how this chapter turned out, so let me know what you think! [I expect to be yelled at -- BUT FOR GOOD REASONS this time. I promise ;) ]

A/N 2.0: Only two parts left! The last part (The Story) is just going to be a little epilogue and part 9.5 is a short drabble for Hux after the situation on Canto Bight. I just wanted something silly to lighten the mood of this story Lol

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Zorii making death threats, MUTUAL pining (fucking FINALLY), fluff (fucking FINALLY, again) -- just lots of emotions in general.

Listen to the song here!

Read it on AO3 here!

Taglist:  @maraudersandco​ @sociallyawkwardcircus-freak-hi​ @hkmultifandom​ @spider-starry​ @ashleykaiba​ @mayangel19​ @plxstic-rose​

Word Count: 4.4k

“You need to rest, Commander. You haven’t left her side since you brought her back.”

General Organa was standing at the door to your room in the medbay. She had stopped by under the guise of bringing another set of flowers to replace the ones that had lost their vivaciousness from the days before, but she was really there to check on you both. She had her hands folded in front of her and a kind look upon her face as she gazed upon the scene.

“It’s alright, General; I’m not tired,” Poe responded. He had dark circles under his eyes and his skin was sunken into his cheeks, directly contradicting his words. He was still in the same outfit the medics forced him into after bringing you home and he was still sat in the same chair he had pulled up when they finally left you alone.

“All I’m saying is that you don’t want to look the way you do when she sees you for the first time in nearly five years. Plus, you’re starting to get a smell.” Leia grinned at her comment, giving Poe a discerning look-over from top to bottom. Her expression changed to confirm that what she was seeing and smelling was not pleasant.

Poe crooked a worn out grin at her, glancing briefly away from your face. The General was right in that he could do with a thorough scrubbing, but you needed him here. He could feel it.

“It’s just… she’s been… She keeps going into spasms and crying out, and the only thing that seems to calm her down is me.” With this, Poe looks back to you and squeezes your left hand again for the thousandth time. His mother’s ring was warm where it rested on your finger and underneath his palm. 

The medics had unhooked you from everything except for fluids a couple of days ago, saying that you were out of the woods and only needed to rest. Poe just couldn’t bring himself to leave you when you could wake at any moment.

“I know,” Leia confided as she walked over to him. She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve been keeping watch over the both of you when you pass out from exhaustion.” Leia looks at your joined hands and smiles softly. “I promise I’ll stay with her until you return. Go shower and grab some rations to bring back. I won’t even suggest a nap, because I know you won’t listen.” She pats him firmly, indicating that he needed to move.

“General…” Poe pleaded weakly.

“I’m not taking no for an answer, young man. Go.” Leia practically shoved him out of the chair and took up his spot with a satisfied smirk.

Poe was still holding your hand, but bent down to place a kiss to your knuckles before letting go.

“I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Don’t get comfortable,” Poe warned, glaring good-naturedly at the general. He began walking backwards out of your room, reluctant to let you out of his site for even a moment.

“I’ll return your post to you when you get back,” Leia assured. When Poe was gone, she released a long sigh, staring at your still-bruised face. “I’m so sorry, little one.”

Leia placed her left hand where Poe had been clutching yours and her right hand on your forearm, stroking your skin softly. She began humming an Alderaanian lullaby she had grown up with and passed the time by focusing on your breathing.

***

Poe was walking towards your room in medbay after the fastest shower he could take and eating the few bites of food he could stomach without exacerbating the gnawing pit in his gut. BB-8 was rolling along beside him, excitedly beeping about how well the two of you would get along once you finally met. Poe gave his droid a sad smile, convinced that once you woke up you’d want him as far away from you as possible. After all, you hadn’t reached out after all these years.

But still. Poe had the chance to be near you again after so long and he wasn’t going to waste it. He was already jogging around corners with BB-8 hot on his heels, but the sight of the General standing outside of the medbay caused Poe to sprint the last few yards. His heart was in his throat and all the air was punched from his lungs at the thoughts of something having happened to you while he was gone.

Stupid. Stupid! I should have stayed, I should have been with her. Maker, if she died…

Poe’s thoughts were spiraling out of control as he tried to race past Leia, but she grabbed him by the arm and halted his progress.

“Calm down, son. Everything is alright. I was just giving her friend some time alone with her. We’re not the only ones who love (Y/N).” The General gave him a firm squeeze on his arm and a reassuring nod. “I just wanted to be here when you returned. But! I have a resistance to run, so I’m going to go now.” She released his arm and patted him on the chest, taking in a deep breath and straightening to her full height. With a last look back inside the medbay, Leia walked off.

Poe knew who was going to be in your room, and he was nervous. He hadn’t left the Spice Runners of Kijimi on the best of terms, so seeing Zorii again was going to take whatever sanity he had left. Their brief conversation before was so focused on your abduction that he hadn’t gotten the chance to apologize to Zorii. They had never technically ended whatever relationship they had, but they were both well aware that history and you were the only connections between them now.

Poe cautiously walked to your room, peeking in on the woman who had once been his lover. He noted her stiff posture as she stood beside your bed, hands clenched around the guardrails and quietly fuming.

“This is your fault,” Zorii murmured, having noticed Poe’s arrival. “If you hadn’t been an idiot and left things the way you did, she would be fine. She would be safe. Safe with me and Zalos and maybe someone she wouldn’t have to try so hard to forget.”

Zorii refused to take her eyes off of you and Poe never looked anywhere but you when he was in your room. The last week and your ups and downs since recovering you from Teck Terran had instilled in Poe a fear that if he looked away for too long you would disappear.

Poe moved to the foot of your bed and rested yet another blanket on your feet, afraid that they were cold and you had no way of telling him. You had often complained growing up that your feet and hands were always chilly and Poe had always been there to warm them up for you.

He hadn’t been there to do that these past few years and that broke his heart.

“I know,” Poe whispered, delicately smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles on the covers. 

He didn’t dare walk any closer to you or Zorii, ashamed of himself for his past actions and not wanting to upset Zorii by taking your hand as if he had the right to anymore. She would be furious to see how comfortable Poe had gotten with touching you once again.

Poe’s voice remained quiet with his next words.

“You probably already know how she feels, but I overheard what she told Terran when I went to rescue her. I know she hates me. I know she wishes I were dead. But I need to talk to her. Just once.”

Zorii jerked her head up, eyes flashing and nostrils flaring. “You’re the biggest nerfherder in the galaxy if you believe that,” she steamed. Zorii huffed out an angry laugh and crossed her arms. “I don’t care what you heard; she was saying whatever she needed to get out of that situation. Don’t take anything you heard her say back there to heart.”

Poe quickly glanced up, reading her expression to see if she was telling the truth. Zorii rolled her eyes nearly to the back of her head at Poe’s stupidity.

“You’ve known this girl your whole life; don’t act like a fight and five standard years between you changed who she is. You know damn well she could never want you dead,” Zorii explained, uncrossing her arms and bending at the waist to rest her palms flat on the mattress beside your arm. She was no longer looking at Poe or the ceiling, but staring intently at your peaceful face.

“She may have been beside herself with anger when you first left, but once she realized you were really gone and not coming back, she was just sad. She couldn’t believe that her best friend left her behind because he couldn’t get over the fact that she developed feelings for him.” Zorii shook her head back and forth, frustrated. “Maker. Even I’m still mad at you and I wasn’t nearly as invested as she was. Is. I’m not sure how she feels anymore since she refused to talk about you,” Zorii said flippantly.

Poe’s heart was quickly crumbling with every word Zorii spoke. He knew he messed up. Stars, did he know. But it tore him up inside to hear that you wouldn’t even talk about him. The years of pain your silence caused were almost preferable to the needle-sharp words that Zorii was driving through his chest.  

“I just- I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was helping her.” Poe’s voice was warbling, dangerously close to breaking. “I’m sorry,” Poe whispered for what felt like the millionth time to your sleeping figure. “I want to make it right. I want to come back to her.”

“You know what you’re doing when you’re coming back, so if you’re gonna leave you better leave. Better do it fast. Before she wakes up. Because if you break her heart again, I won’t hesitate to end you,” Zorii promised. The venom in her words and the conviction she put behind them only further proved to Poe that your friendship had solidified into a sisterhood that no one should dare underestimate. He was glad that you had a friend as protective and loyal as Zorii, and couldn’t help but feel that if he hadn’t left, you two never would have gotten as close as you now were.

“I don’t want to leave. Never again,” Poe professed quietly. He found himself walking around the side of your bed, opposite Zorii. He took up your left hand like he had done all week and gave it a quick kiss over his mother’s -- hopefully your -- ring. He settled back down into his chair and rested his forehead on top of your combined hands. “I need… I need to apologize. I need to tell her how stupid and selfish I was. That I love her, too…” Poe’s face was turned down towards the bed with his eyes closed, so he was unable to see you or Zorii. He was trying to keep her from seeing how vulnerable he was.

“If you’re not serious about this - about her - you need to figure it out quickly. I won’t let you make her your lover on a leash when you please. You had your chance. She deserves better than that. She deserves better than you,” Zorii warned.

Having finally spoken her piece, Zorii bent her elbows and placed a kiss on your cheek.

And gasped softly.

Zorii glanced quickly at Poe to see if he had noticed the change. His head was still bent forwards over your hand, so he was none the wiser. Zorii rose to her full height and straightened her jacket. 

“Let me know when she wants me back in here,” Zorii stated, marching quickly towards the door and closing it behind her.

Confused, Poe lifted his head and watched her go. He didn’t know what she meant by that. But before laying his head back down, Poe turned to check on you again and froze.

You were awake and looking right at him.

*****

You had technically been awake for a few days now -- or so you thought. Without your body cooperating with your mind, it was impossible to open your eyes and see the progression of a chronometer to tell you how long you had really been aware of your surroundings.

And aware of one particular surrounding, you had been. 

Poe’s constant touch -- whether it be his hand on yours, his hand on your hair, or his lips on your forehead -- was the one thing you could count on while you were lying immobile. It made your heart flutter and fracture all at once. You could no longer deny that what you had heard in your ‘dream’ had really happened or that what you had heard from Poe directly in this room was fiction, but that didn’t mean you believed him.

To say he loved you all along would be a blatant lie if he said it. You knew that Poe had only ever loved you in a platonic sense of the word when you had been together. After his departure, something must have made him reevaluate your lifetime of friendship and how he felt about you. But could he really come to the conclusion that he loved you romantically when he wouldn’t even be your friend when you tried to discuss how you felt years ago?

You were still immensely hurt by his actions, and even his apologies while he thought you were sleeping didn’t fix anything. And his lips on your skin certainly didn’t kiss the bruises on your heart until they were gone. They only seemed to darken them further, beating your heart to black and blue all over again.

And his mother’s ring on your finger only fueled the heartache. You had dreamed about that ring on your finger a million and one times throughout your life, hoping to one day call Poe yours. But that wish and all the others blew away like stardust in the wake of his departure. You had tried to stay angry at him for as long as you could, but realized you were only hiding your grief behind your fury. You’d never been able hold a grudge against anyone for a prolonged period of time, let alone the man you were in love with.

Now that Poe was in front of you, though, your anger returned. A steady blaze in the pit of your stomach and shining from your eyes.

Your voice was weak when you finally spoke, but it held a sharp edge. One that you hoped would knock the stunned look from his face. 

A face you had missed terribly, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to acknowledge the fact.

“You wanted to talk, so talk.”

You watched as the light in his eyes guttered out and his full bottom lip was caught up between his teeth. You knew that Poe had thought of every scenario for when you woke up, but he had held out hope that it wouldn’t start like it did. You could see the gears turning in his head, could see how he was trying to find a way to have this conversation now that you could talk back.

“(Y/N), I…” Poe looked down and shook his head, banishing the image of a sweet smile on your lips that he had been hoping for. When your eyes followed his line of sight, you realized that he was still holding your hand. You flexed your fingers to dislodge Poe, still too weak to jerk your hand away like you didn’t really want to wanted to do.

Poe’s face crumples just a little more, but he removes his hand like you wanted him to. You felt the loss of it acutely.

He was staring down at the now empty hand in his lap, afraid to look you in the eyes and see the anger and disappointment that was there. When he had found you on that moon - strapped down and bleeding out - all he had wanted in the entire universe was for you to open your eyes and look at him. Just so he knew you were alive. Just so he could look into the eyes of the woman he loved. 

Your eyelashes had fluttered for a brief moment and your lips had trembled, but he hadn’t been able to make anything out. It wasn’t until you were in his arms, cold all over but for the blood that pooled between you, that he finally heard your voice after five long years of silence. You had begged him to leave you behind, but he was damned if he’d let you go again.

That same feeling swelled within him now, that fierce determination to get you back and keep you close for as long as he could. He would respect your decision if you decided he wasn’t worth the trouble, but he had to try.

Poe takes a large, fortifying breath. Every line he had rehearsed for this moment seemed inadequate and trite, flowery words of affection that wouldn’t mean anything in the end. You could tell that whatever was going to come out of his mouth now was going to be straight from the heart. 

Watching Poe struggle for words was something new to you. You begged your own heart not to fall immediately back into loving him so easily when he looked up at you with a fire and determination you could feel against your skin.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he began. “I am so sorry that I was only looking out for myself and tried to make everything about me and how I felt. I should have listened to you. I should have tried to understand that the feelings you had were valid and real. Sorry that it was my own fault for not realizing sooner what we had. What we could have had if I had only appreciated you more. 

“When I left, I was stupid enough to believe you would follow me. Every decision I had ever made, you were always right there beside me. Right where I wanted you to be: right where I thought you’d always be. I hadn’t been alone in so long that I forgot what it was like not to have you in my life. We were inseparable ever since we were young - it was like, no matter what dumb choice I made, you’d always be there to encourage or chastise me regardless of how hurt you got because of it. 

“But then I made the one decision that hurt you too much for you to follow me anymore. One that nearly took you away from me forever. I tried to contact you so many times in those early days, waiting for you to answer like you always had. But as time went on, I finally understood that what I had done was unforgivable.

“I’ll never be able to apologize enough to make it up to you. But I want to try. Please. Please. (Y/N), I love you. I love you with my entire being. I need you like the air I breathe. I need you more than anything. I’ve lived a life without you in it and it was too much for me to bear. You make everything bright and exciting. You are the marker by which I measure the meaning of my life. I promise I could be anything you need. If you’ll just give me this one chance to come back into your life, to show you how much I love you, I won’t let you down again. I promise to never let you down again.”

Your anger was gone the moment Poe opened his mouth. The conviction in his words cut through your weakly assembled armor and punched the air from your lungs. Poe stared directly into your eyes through his entire apology, desperately willing you to believe him. To trust him again, and bring him back into the folds of your heart. 

As if he had ever left it.

The intensity in his gaze was eating away at you. You tilted your head back against your pillow, staring up at the tiled ceiling and blinking your eyes rapidly to prevent the tears gathered there from falling. But you were helpless against the artificial gravity of the ship, and the tears rolled down your cheeks in rivulets.

It was hard to breath around all the emotions lodged in your throat. One word from the man in front of you had you remembering what it felt like to be lying on that table beneath Teck’s sneer, begging the Maker to take you back in time to make everything right with Poe.

And now that he had rescued you from certain death and admitted to doing you wrong, you wanted him back more than anything. Because he was all the stars in the sky and the cause of every butterfly in your belly. If he thought he couldn’t live without you, how did he think you felt? 

But you had been in love with him for your entire life and lost him because of it.

You needed to make him understand that you couldn’t have him coming back only to leave when he figured out that he misinterpreted his feelings. Misinterpreted the loss of your friendship as a new-found love for you. If you could be friends again without the romance, would he find that his feelings for you weren’t ever real? Because you couldn’t handle being the kiss he didn’t need, the lie between his teeth every time he said he loved you only to have it mean nothing. 

If you got a taste of what being with Poe was really like, only for him to run away… you don’t think you would ever love again.

Unable to look at Poe with all of these feelings bubbling inside, you whispered your questions into the air above you. They filled the room with a taut thread that, once unraveled, would expose you for the liar you were. 

“And what if I don’t love you anymore? What if all these years helped me to realize that we should only ever be friends? Could you live with that? Would you stay with me anyway?”

Poe’s own tears fell from his eyes at that. He knew that whatever he said might not be enough, but it was something else altogether to hear it. Pure anguish seized his heart, making it nearly impossible to think of anything but the immense pain in his chest. 

He inhaled shakily and looked away from your crying visage, not even bothering to wipe away the trails his own tears were leaving behind. No matter if you didn’t love him anymore, he could never be without you again.

Poe plucked up the courage to answer you. He stood slowly from his chair and leaned over your bed, placing both of his hands on your wet cheeks and wiping away the tears he had caused.

“Whatever you need from me, princess, I’ll give it willingly. I’ll give you whatever part of me fits into your life now; and if that’s not my love anymore, then please let it be my friendship. I’m done denying my feelings for you, but I won’t force my love on you if you no longer want it. I’ll happily follow you to whatever end,” Poe murmured sweetly, cupping your cheeks and gazing at you as if you were the most precious thing in the universe to him.

Poe was preparing himself for a lifetime of unrequited love -- one such life that he had willingly thrust upon you years ago. He felt as if his love was too big to hold inside, but if that was what you needed then he would gladly carry it on his shoulders for the rest of his life and spare your heart the burden.

You closed your eyes at the onslaught of tears welling up and choked back a sob. After all the years of heartache and silence, everything was finally out in the open.

Almost everything.

Poe winced at your inability to look at him, and more tears slid out and down his unshaven jaw when he shut his eyes on the pain. It crushed his soul to know that his time as your love was likely up. 

He ever-so-gently placed a kiss on your forehead, allowing himself a fraction of a second to linger there and relish in the nearness of your body. His soft lips forced a gasp from your throat, and you could no longer restrain yourself. You lifted your arms from the bed and latched onto Poe with everything in you.

Your face moved into the crook of Poe’s neck and you were bawling years’ worth of longing into his collar. You felt Poe slide his hands from your face and gather you quickly into him, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wrapping around your shoulders. He was holding you as tightly as he could, kissing your hair desperately and sobbing. 

The force of your combined emotions made Poe collapse against you. You were now both lying on the bed, grasping onto each other for dear life. Your face was snotty and wet, but you couldn’t keep yourself from pulling your head around and kissing Poe on the lips with every ounce of love you held within yourself for him. Poe returned your kiss just as fervently, his tears mixing with yours on your combined lips and tasting of the same hope you shared.

It was hard to keep your mouth off of him, but you needed to tell him how you had never stopped loving him. 

“You idiot. Of course I still love you, Poe. That will never change. I’ll always be yours. I’ll always love you. Please don’t leave me again.” Every sentence was punctuated with another messy kiss.

“I promise. I promise. I never should’ve left. You’re it for me, Princess. I love you,” Poe gasped between kisses.

“I love you,” -- “I love you.” 

The sloppy, tear-filled kiss was not what you had imagined your first kiss with Poe Dameron would be like, but it was the first kiss of the rest of your lives and you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

[im-whatchamccallit]

You Get Injured During a Performance//ATEEZ

(A/N: I hate that I type the way I talk. I feel like it doesn’t make sense to other people lol)

Hongjoong

You laid on the stage with your arm covering your eyes as the lights were too bright for your liking, shaking and sweating as you struggled to breathe, your senses going into overload from the adrenaline pumping through your body. You were doing a performance for MAMA and obviously wanted your group to stand out, your company deciding an acrobatic-based performance would be the best way to go. Unfortunately, you allowed your hand to slip beneath you during your backflips, landing on your back with an audibly agonizing thud, any attempt at standing causing a bolt of pain to hit you, your body giving up as you remained still.

It took two minutes for everyone to notice you were immobile and still on the ground, the music ending abruptly and lights shutting off as your group members and staff scrambled to your side. You could hear all the concerned commotion, your lips trembling in an attempt to speak and finally mustering up a weak ‘everything hurts’. Your words echoed throughout the blacked out room before the staff hurriedly turned off your mic, not wanting to raise any more concern with the artist waiting in confusion, but their hopes were pretty much ignored as Hongjoong rushed from his seat and towards the stage, ignoring the few people attempting to stop him on his way to you.

It felt like a scene in a movie, but Hongjoong couldn’t tell if it was romance or horror, his eyes widening as someone rushed to place an oxygen mask over your face, informing everyone that she had called for paramedics. There was a strange feeling in Hongjoong’s chest, having seen you bedridden from the flu and your period, but this felt more extreme and the pressure was starting to weigh on him. But watching you cry and wince with each breath made the leader in him take charge, crouching down to your side and grabbing onto your hand, your arm trying to move from your face to see who was beside you.

“It’s okay, (Y/n), it’s me. You’re gonna be okay.”

“J-joong… I can’t breathe.”

“I know, but the paramedics are coming soon and they’ll get you to the hospital and you’ll be better.” He was lying through his teeth, uncertain of how this entire situation would play out. He bit his bottom lip to hold back all the emotions he truly felt when your hand squeezed his, knowing it’d be a matter of time before they spilled out.

“Are you going with me?”

“Of course I am. I’m staying with you until you’re alright.”

“Excuse me!” A female voice called through the commotion, three other people dressed in uniforms approaching before squatting down to your level.

Hongjoong reluctantly released your hand, allowing them to carefully lift you onto the gurney, replacing the studio provided oxygen mask with one of their own, your arm now at your side allowing you to glance around for the one person that said they’d be there with you.

“I’m right behind you, baby, don’t worry.” As soon as the words left his mouth, his cheerful and hopeful tone turned to desperation and fear, his gaze turning to the paramedic closest to him.

“Will it be alright if I ride along with her?”

The woman exchanged a few words with the others assisting you, turning back to him and nodding, Hongjoong not wasting a second to be at your side once more.

Seonghwa

You let out a breath of relief as the staff finally set you into a sofa backstage, adjusting your body so that your ankle was elevated with a pillow beneath it.

You were embarrassed that you tripped during your performance that required you to wear 8 inch stilettos, but applauded yourself for powering through, although your dance break was probably laughable considering you couldn’t put weight on your left foot, your ankle throbbing in agonizing pain before you collapsed just as it was all over.

Unfortunately, your mishap and pain didn’t go unnoticed, Seonghwa practically bursting through the door and rushing to your side, his eyes filled with worry as you tried hard not to roll yours. Seonghwa has a habit of being a bit overdramatic, his behavior making a somewhat minor situation go from manageable to unbearable and, right now, you were praying it’d stay manageable.

“Are you okay, baby? Do you need medicine? Pain killers? Water? Can someone bring her a wate-“

“I’m fine!” You snapped, trying to keep your voice at a low and calm level, glancing to the man sitting next to you that refused to relax his panicked face.

“I’m heading to the hospital soon, they’ll do an x-ray, let me know I’m fine, and I’ll be back in my dorm safe and sound.” You reassured him knowing he needed it more than you.

“Okay... but you should head there now. You know that what feels like a normal sprain could be something much worse?”

“Seonghwa...” You warned, knowing he’ll say something completely out of pocket that’ll make you just as scared as him.

“I think sometimes the bone completely breaks and can damage the nerves and tissue, then your foot will have to be amputated.”

“Seonghwa!” You cried, the idea that the sharp pain you felt was possibly your fragile bones no longer being functional, you attempting to dance on it causing bits and pieces of it to break off and pierce the surrounding meat. That didn’t sound logical or right, but you were a firm believer that anything could happen.

“But we need to stay positive. I’ll be the positivity we both need.” Seonghwa’s once scared demeanor shifted to a comforting, almost nonchalant one, wrapping his arms around you to soothe your now terrified form.

Yunho

Unfortunately, Ateez had to perform at the same awards show as your group, so when you suddenly dropped on stage in pain before your group members rushed to carry you backstage, he wasn’t allowed to aid you. It was even worse when you texted him you were at the hospital, Yunho feeling deflated considering you two were just feet apart as it happened but he couldn’t check on you then and there.

He didn’t even wait until the awards were over, leaving immediately after their stage to be by your side, not sure what to expect once seeing you. He could only picture the kind of distress you’d be in, the pained expression and yell you let out on stage replaying in his mind.

But, upon meeting you, you were sitting in bed with a cup of jello, almost four empty cups of the same snack on a bedside tray as you stared at the television in amusement, finally noticing the frantic boy’s presence.

“You came! Come here!” You said excitedly, Yunho confused as to why you weren’t in tears about your leg that was currently suspended by a sling, but he washed the bewilderment away to smile at you, telling himself that as long as you were alright, there was no need to freak out.

“I’m guessing you’re okay?” He questioned, moving closer to your bed while debating if he should lay next to you, opting to stand and just hold your hand once you placed your spoon and gelatin down.

“Yeah, they said it may just be a meniscus tear. Once they come back with the x-ray, they’ll let me know if I need surgery.”

“S-surgery?” Yunho reminded himself to stay calm, trying to find anything to say to keep the moment lighthearted for your sake.

“Uh.. well, all the best dancers get injured like this, so... good job on being the best.” He said as confidently as he could, mindlessly raising his hand to give you a high five in an attempt to seem normal and hide his concern, your palm meeting his with your usual bright smile as you obviously couldn’t read his emotions.

Yunho mentally slapped himself for making the situation relaxed to almost unimportant, his panic worsening now that you were even more at ease with your condition despite neither of you having any idea what the results would bring.

Yeosang

“I told you not to go out there when you told me you were already in pain, and what do you do?” Yeosang said bitterly, watching as you lied on your stomach in the hospital bed, avoiding his gaze.

“I went out there...” you muttered sadly, trying to turn onto your side to further avoid the obvious anger radiating from his body.

“Stay still.” You immediately stopped at the command, feeling like a child being scolded by their parent at this point.

You had told Yeosang weeks prior that you were having back pain, a stiffness that you relieved with an hour or two of yoga before continuing on to practice, only for the pain to return. It’s been like this for months and you thought it wouldn’t be an issue, that is until you were due to perform and the pain hit you with the intensity of a semi-truck, your body collapsing as you blacked out for almost an hour, awakened in a hospital bed with no real recollection of the previous events.

You knew Yeosang was worried about you and, even if his tone was stern and angry, he was honestly scared. He knew you were a hard worker and always pushed through your pain as if it were no big deal, trusting that you knew your body better than he did, but seeing you groaning that your legs and lower back hurt from the years of strain put on your clearly exhausted body, was the final straw for him.

“You won’t be promoting for the next comeback and maybe even the one after that. You need to rest.” He said in a definite tone, your eyes rolling at the sudden authoritative behavior.

“You know you have no control over that. Besides, we already recorded everything for the album. I won’t make them redo everything because-“

“They have time to re-record everything and you need to take it easy, because your group won’t last if the doctor tells you your spine is still as fucked up as it was last year!”

The once strict voice wasn’t strict anymore, but laced in concern and exhaustion, Yeosang tired of having to pretend you can handle this on your own knowing you were just on the verge of destroying your body. You swallowed hard and tried to ignore the heat rising to your face, slightly embarrassed from the admonishment but also now realizing you were selfishly causing distress to not only your group and yourself but to your boyfriend who could barely concentrate during his own practices because of his anxiety. Besides, a few months off work didn’t seem too bad, right?

“Can you at least tell them I’m sorry?” Your voice was small, head turned away to keep Yeosang from seeing your tear-brimmed eyes, but he slowly places his hand to your head and massaged your scalp gently to soothe you.

“Of course.”

San

They told you the performance would be so cool if you and your members arrived on stage from a rising platform, and it was, until the platform slowly sank back down in the middle of said performance, leaving an open space that caused you to fall down a 3-feet deep trap door and onto your knees, everyone’s eyes widening as they watched you disappear in the blink of an eye.

While the show kept going, everyone slowly starting to wonder what exactly just happened, San was looking to his members in panic, asking them if you’d be okay and if he should check on you. He knew how trap doors worked and how a harsh impact like that, even from a short distance, would hurt, and it only made him freak out more.

Because Ateez’s popularity was at an all time high recently, Hongjoong advised him to stay for the remainder of the show, not wanting to make a bad impression or cause an unnecessary and stupid scandal. So San stayed, taking deep breaths while forcing a smile and his usually hyped behavior for the cameras while his mind kept drifting to you, wondering if you were alright and the fall wasn’t as bad as it seemed. But then, a miracle came, a break for all idols and guest to head to the restroom if needed.

San didn’t waste a second before sprinting out of the area and towards the backstage rooms, not sure of where you were but not bothering to ask any of the staff either. His ears picked up on a familiar voice just next to him, the tone whiny and almost annoyed, the same voice you used whenever you couldn’t have your way.

“I was just trying to get an ice pack!”

“We’ll bring it to you but you can’t move! Your knee is really swollen!” The leader of your group said firmly, your eyes shutting to keep you from rolling them.

Sure, you were in pain since your left knee took most of the impact, but everyone crowding around you made you feel frazzled, almost like you needed to escape. It was unbearable. Your eyes opened to the sound of San’s hurried but gentle greetings to everyone, sitting at your side and carefully moving your legs to lay across his lap, the angle much more comfortable than you sitting upright.

“Are you okay?” San asked, his eyes scanning you before landing on your knee, bright red with yellow and blue undertones, an almost inaudible gasp leaving his lips.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just swollen. But I’m kinda being held prisoner here.” You half-joked, eyeing your leader as she handed you the cold plastic packet, San grabbing it first to apply it to your bruise.

“How about we go back out to watch the rest of the awards? There’ll be enough space for you to breathe.”

“What? She needs to go to the hospital, San!” She said, seeing this all before and not dealing with it again.

“It’s only a swollen knee.” He defended, not listening to her as he scooted you further onto his lap and wrapped his arms around you, preparing to carry you back to the seating area, knowing he’s spent too much time there.

“And it will only get worse if not treated properly. You always give her what she wants when she’s whiny like this but it’s not what she needs.”

San thought over her words. He did always give you what you wanted when you were hurt or sick, knowing it wouldn’t heal you but surely make you feel better. But if he did what was best, you’d probably be upset with him, something he wasn’t very fond of. But he was running out of time and needed to make a choice now, for better or worse.

“Just text me when you guys leave the hospital, okay?”

Your jaw dropped in shock and anger while your leader smirked triumphantly, helping to move you from San so your manager could carry you to his car, your glare never leaving San’s while you left the room and headed in opposite directions. All he could do now was mentally prepare for the attitude you’d give him later.

Mingi

The lightening techs were positive they checked that the light fixtures were secure. They were POSITIVE they were secure. So why did one fall right next to you, hitting your shoulder in the process as it dragged you down? It was a miracle when you managed to get up, gripping your shoulder in pain as you tried to continue performing, looking up at each light and flinching as you stood beneath them, terrified that the next time it fell, you wouldn’t get up at all.

Your professionalism was applauded despite the fact a few staff members were probably getting chewed out for the mishap, your body dragging itself off stage as you ignored the sometimes dull but sometimes noticeably sharp throbbing.

Watching you rebound from that made Mingi believe you were fine, a bit shaken up but not too scarred, but he also watched as you clutched your arm as you hurried off stage, obviously not being as alright as he first thought. Some minutes passed before you were in your regular attire and heading back to your seat just behind and the rest of Ateez, his eyes finding yours as you gave a reassuring smile.

“Is your arm okay?” He asked, turning to give you his full attention as you looked to the exposed side of your one shouldered dress, a large bruise forming on the skin that was originally clear.

“I think it’s okay. Wanna touch it?” You smirked, leaning forward so he could get a better look at it.

You seemed fine but he was hesitant, looking between the purple and yellow blemish to your amused face. What if there was some internal damage and him touching it made it worse? What if a single touch managed to dislocate your shoulder? So many thoughts were running through his mind and you rolled your eyes impatiently.

“I won’t die, Mingi. Just touch it.” You insisted.

The frightened boy finally gave in and gently pressed it with his index finger, an alarmingly loud cry leaving your mouth and drawing the attention of people nearby, his face filling with horror and panic as he apologized repeatedly, a grin breaking out on your face as you laughed loudly, showing that you weren’t sore in anyway, having took pain killers as soon as you were off stage.

Mingi huffed, pouting angrily before turning back to the awards, no longer wanting to be bothered with your pranks. Even with you apologizing and admitting it did kinda hurt, he was unsure of what to believe, opting to not touch you at all.

Wooyoung

It was the most heart wrenching, blood curling noise Wooyoung has ever heard, his body bolting up immediately as you let out the pained screech before collapsing to the ground, hands gripping and clawing at your head, your group members trying so desperately to carry on but everyone was distracted by the scene, none of them sure of what had just occurred.

Your manager quickly rushed on stage to grab you, dragging you away as the others continued, your teeth gritting in pain from the sudden electric shock your earpiece gave. You were set into a chair just off stage, being offered water or anything else to calm you down but you were in shock (no pun intended), unable to concentrate on anyone or anything as your ear rang violently, and all you could do was try to bring yourself back to reality.

And Wooyoung was just the same as you. Your hands moved so fast to throw your earpiece away that no one seemed to notice, their final judgement that you had some breakdown mid-performance, the rumors and allegations already brewing and he could do nothing but sit by and listen. Where was the sympathy? Why was everyone more worried about whether you were crazy than if you were fine and not overworking yourself? It was beginning to piss him off and the boys were the ones to get an earful of his anger.

Instead of waiting to see if you’d be fine, he stormed out of the large atrium and made his way backstage, luckily running into you immediately to see you staring at the ground, your manager and group members at your side while staff occasionally stopped by to make sure you were fine. Wooyoung didn’t hesitate to approach, practically pushing everyone away as he kneeled in front of you, his hands holding onto yours as his concerned eyes bore into your distant ones.

“Baby, are you alright? What happened?” He asked softly, watching your eyes flicker to him and show the first sign of life since you were brought back.

“M-my earpiece malfunctioned and shocked me. I couldn’t really hear for a bit but I’m fine now.” You gave a small smile, hoping to reassure all of them you were fine but it wasn’t fooling anyone, your face dropping once again as you spoke lowly, admitting you thought you were deaf considering the silence lasted for five minutes.

Wooyoung didn’t bother to speak anymore, knowing the last place you’d want to be is here in front of so many people after something scary like that, his hands guiding you to stand with him before informing everyone he’d be taking you home, not waiting on their objections before leading you out, much to your relief.

Jongho

Going solo from your group was a terrifying yet exciting experience, even more so when you were set to perform alone for an awards show. You’ve dreamt of this moment ever since you were a kid, and now it was finally coming true, every thing you trained so hard for coming together. Until one of your back up dancers ruined it.

Considering you typically danced with eight other girls at your side, the eight dancers behind, a good mix of male and female, made up for the obvious absence. But throughout all the rehearsals and times you’ve done this routine with them, one of the men misstepped, the spacing between you and him way too close. You held the mic at an angle to capture your voice perfectly, somewhere between your nose and upper lip, his arms swinging outwards and knocking the mic harshly into your face. The impact was heavy, the shifting of your nose being felt as you stumbled backwards, clutching your face that was now leaking crimson.

Ateez were preparing in the backstage area to perform after the next few awards were given but all preparation stopped as staff and members alike watched as you bled out on the stage from the television hanging in the wall’s upper corner, the dancers rushing to your side to assist you as you tried hard to not cry, instead apologizing into the microphone to the various artist and fans that were in attendance.

You had worked so hard for that stage and it was ruined in a matter of minutes. Jongho’s heart clenched at the thought that you were probably beating yourself up over this, knowing you won’t get a second chance or a redo for something that wasn’t your fault. Everything happened so fast, that they didn’t even realize two MCs came to name the nominees for the awards. Jongho excused himself from the room, knowing he only had a few minutes before he had to go out.

It wasn’t hard for him to find you, following the sound of loud sobs that were just a few feet away, Jongho calmly approaching to see you leaning against a wall with blood stained tissue in both nostrils, your eye makeup running as your tears continued to flow, your already difficult and harsh breathing turning to hiccups. You were a disaster, and it was exactly what Jongho prepared for.

You didn’t realize it was him holding onto you until you looked up, only causing you to sob more, even more disappointed in yourself that he had to see your first award show performance go down in flames.

“I messed up!”

“It wasn’t your fault.” He reassured you, rubbing his hands along your back as you buried your face in his neck, potentially ruining his outfit but that was the least of his concerns.

Jongho slowly lifted your head to look at you. Besides the fact your nose was currently crooked, probably broken from the mic, he still thought you were beautiful. Although the moment didn’t seem appropriate for vain compliments, he knew he had to at least comfort you for the time being and this was just the way to do it.

“Hey, pretty girls shouldn’t cry. It’ll ruin your make up.”

“Why not? Everything else is already ruined...”

“But if it’s like your make up, we can fix it, it’s just gonna take some time.” He spoke softly, your eyes meeting his as he carefully used his thumb as to wipe away a few stray tears.

The sound of heavy footsteps in both directions alarmed the two of you, Seonghwa and Yeosang behind Jongho telling him they needed to hurry and apply their mics and earpieces before they went on, your manager behind you saying his car was ready to take you to the hospital. You looked at Jongho with an expression that silently begged him to stay with you, him being the only person to calm you down from your literal shitshow. But he knew better, wanting to be both a good boyfriend and responsible for his own career simultaneously. Again, he was prepared for this.

“I have to go, but you’ll text me when you get there and I’ll text you when I’m on my way. And no more crying, okay?”

His tone was firm but light. You gave a somewhat confident nod before he pulled you into another snug but gentle embrace, slowly releasing you to allow your manager to guide you out the emergency exit, turning on his own heels to catch up to his hyungs.

Jongho was fairly proud of himself for how he handled the situation, not certain that if the injury were much worse that he’d be as cool, but that was something he hoped he’d never have to face, especially with you.

[edenwritessomething]

the 3rd and final ask🤩

🌸1001 nights🌸

whitch one of your characters would enjoy resident evil 8 the most? whitch one would hate it? whitch one woild be too scared to play it?

do ya have any characters that ended up bein apart of the alphabet mafia by accident? like accidentaly getting gay vibes, agender vibes, bein enby etc

whitch character would ya consider the most emotionaly intelegent?

do any of your characters deal w trauma? can we know what caused it? how of they deal w it?

whitch character is the shortest? whitch one is teeh tallest? does the "short people evil, tall people chill" thing fit w them?

between whotch characters is this comvo most likely to happen?

these asks are literally perfect for them are you spyin on me (ty for the asks btw, and no i won't stop thanking you)

1001 nights

whitch one of your characters would enjoy resident evil 8 the most? whitch one would hate it? whitch one woild be too scared to play it?

haven't played, so i can't really judge. however, i feel like Noah, Morgiana, Sindbad and Shahryar would love it. Shahrazad wouldn't be scared but she wouldn't enjoy it. she might play out of boredom or cus her friends want to, but probably not out of her own accord.

do ya have any characters that ended up bein apart of the alphabet mafia by accident? like accidentaly getting gay vibes, agender vibes, bein enby etc

yup definitely. sindbad is just .... gay. by accident. as in, in the reference material he has a wife. so i basically just resorted to making him pan cus the vibes are still right. also a minor character, Badr, is a trans man. this ... just happened. it's absolutely irrelevant, so it might not even end up being, like, on the page, but he 100% is. other than that, i am certain that most of the characters are pretty bi just because i personally don't know how gender plays into attraction, but that's not a conscious choice lol.

whitch character would ya consider the most emotionaly intelegent?

pleASE. none. at all. they all need therapy. they all have serious problems and don't know how to handle them. to sum it up... morgiana internalizes everything and puts up barricades; shahrazad bottles everything up; noah ignores all of his problems; shahryar acts out in wrath; sindbad jokes about his trauma though it affects him deeply. so ... yeah, these guys aren't role models.

do any of your characters deal w trauma? can we know what caused it? how of they deal w it?

... all. in different forms, though they have a bunch of similarities (no living mums, complicated relationships with dads, if they're alive). i'm just gonna run through them (editing me says 'shit it's long'):

shahryar: (murder tw) if you know anything about Arabian Nights, you know this, but basically his beloved wife cheated on him and now he has trust and anger issues, so 'every day a maid married, and a wife murdered'. basically, he handles the trauma shit-ly. in my WIP, he also has a certain amount of trauma from the actual murdering of his wife, but he also hides that until it's inevitable (for example when he talks in his sleep), but the only people that witness this if at all are the wives that get killed anyway, Shahrazad being the exception. and he also sometimes speaks to the moon which is kinda like his therapy.

morgiana: (oppression tw, death tw) well, for one, she doesn't know who her dad is. she's also a slave and for the first ~20 years of her life her slaveholder (Qasim) treated her and her mother terribly, resulting in the death of her mother so that was traumatic. however Qasim does die (gets killed) and she is passed on to Ali Baba, his brother, who is a better master, but she still lives in oppression. she's also now being forced into a marriage she doesn't want, so all in all a pretty shit life. as for how she handles it, she basically has two personalities at this point. in front of anyone who has authority over her, she's submissive and sweet to avoid punishment. but in reality (and throughout the majority of the book) she is snarky, witty, rude, unsympathetic, which is her way to keep people out since she has trust issues.

noah: (pregnancy tw, death tw) he's not as openly affected from the traumatic experiences as the rest, but he's still gone through a whole lot. the entire reason he was born was so that his mum, a slave, could breastfeed her master's child (Shahrazad) once they were born, so his father never played a role in his life at all. when he was 2 his mum (pregnant again) fell down the stairs, miscarried and bled to death. since then, Shahrazad's mum took over raising him (which is how they became close), but when he was 8-9 she also died. his master, the vizier, ie Shahrazad's dad, had hated Noah all his life because Noah's dad (also dead at this point) stole from the vizier and now there was no one left to protect him, so he went super harsh on him. Noah handles all of this with stride, he hates the vizier but doesn't take anything personally, he never thinks about his two mums and just lives his life–on the outside, but actually he really needs to talk about it to someone, he just doesnt like to think bout it.

shahrazad: (pregnancy tw, death tw, infanticide tw, suicidal thoughts tw) since she was born a girl, her fate was initially to be buried alive. and though her mother stopped her father from killing her last-minute, and she was (obvs) very much too young to remember it, the thought of it is traumatic to her, so there's that. it also causes a somewhat tense relationship with her dad, though he now (?) loves her a lot. she was very close to her mother though, who taught her to read and write and basically everything she knows, but ...... her mum dies when she's 9-10. shahrazad never talks about this trauma because she and her sister lowkey hate each other and the only other person that'd understand her, Noah, doesn't like to talk about her mother's death, so it's all bottled up. she also has ... problematic ideas of romance, and pretty much suicidal tendencies which stem from this trauma.

sindbad: (rape tw, pregnancy tw, suicide tw) ahh, sindbad. my poor, traumatized soul. his trauma starts before he's even born, so let's get into it. his mum was a beggar and lived in the same harbour he lives in now. she spent all her time there, because the marketplace was near and lots of sailors came, so it was a good source of money. one day however, she was r*ped by a sailor whose ship was in the harbour. he left, not knowing (nor caring) that she was now pregnant with his child, who'd be sindbad. she now had another mouth to feed and also her own trauma to deal with. her trauma hindered her from going to certain places where she'd usually get her money, so basically now there's more demand and less supply. as sindbad got older, things got worse because he looked a lot like his father (white skin, blue eyes, straight nose), so he was a trigger to his mother. she never had a motherly instinct concerning him anyway, and now he was triggering to her also, so she basically started hating him, taking less care of him etc. when he was 10, her trauma and guilt concerning him got so bad that she threw herself into the sea of the harbour in front of him. that was all very triggering to sindbad, especially considering that he sees himself as the cause of his mother's suicide. the port, though he depends on it for life, is triggering to him, and this trauma is his drive throughout the book. concerning how he handles the trauma,,,,, terribly. his coping mechanism is joking about it, even if it hurts him. he has no one to talk to and is surrounded by triggers, which doesn't help.

whitch character is the shortest? whitch one is teeh tallest? does the "short people evil, tall people chill" thing fit w them?

Sindbad, my honeybunch, is shortest, but tbf also the youngest. he's 167cm (5'6 i believe). out of the main cast, Noah is the tallest (180cm or 5'10). if you extend the question to all characters, the tallest is Zobeida (187cm or 6'1).... i know you like tall ladies ;) ..... i'm also starting to realize she might look a tad too much like calliope from disney's hercules,,, my childhood crushes are coming through O.o as for part 2, no, not necessarily. noah is pretty chill yeah, but so is Sindbad and very much so. Zobeida is this weird in between. she has a very powerful aura but she also seems very relaxed but then again always on the lookout and ready to kill. so not really, it doesn't actually apply.

between whotch characters is this comvo most likely to happen?

Noah: You're just trying to stall me.

Sindbad: Interesting theory.

Sindbad: Care to discuss?

it wouldn't really happen in canon cus Noah would be far chiller about it all, but it's something Sindbad would say for sure.

okay this was basically way, way longer than i expected, so sorry it took so long, but the questions were too perfect and i love the characters too much lol. thank you so much for the asks, they're always appreciated :D

[amyscascadingtabs]

2020 in writing

tagged by the wonderful @feeisamarshmallow and @b99peraltiago! thank you, this took me seriously three hours but it was fun. 

tagging whoever has three hours to spare!! but i’d love to see @amydancepants-peralta, @letsperaltiago, @johnny-and-dora, and @fezzle do this, although no pressure because this took me the entire evening. 

1. List of works published this year

oh god this is going to take forever...

i’ll walk through hell with you, chapter 5, 6 & 7

all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

a single kiss and i’m under your spell

paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

dust off your highest hopes

i can’t see the future, but i know that it’s there

look now, the sky is gold

look at where we are, look at where we started

bracing for the winds i always summon

just know that i’m already home

there’s magic everywhere you go

we’ve found a love to cross the ages

all my days, i’ll know your face

hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

(three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life

if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)

evermore

i am not a stranger to the dark

in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you

rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky

21 works!! 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why)

I am really really proud of finishing i’ll walk through hell with you, that’s still one of the highlights in my writing “career”. bracing for the winds i always summon and (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, because they were both longer works with a lot of introspection that focused a lot on jake and amy’s feelings about upcoming parenthood. especially the last one I still love dearly. i’m also really proud of the fics i wrote all from rosa’s perspective (paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans and when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)).

3. Work you are least proud of (and why)

none! I guess a few of them are shorter and written way quicker than some others, but I always take that into consideration when “evaluating” how proud I am of them so no. personally, I’m proud of everything in different ways. 

4. A favourite except of your writing

referring to the creator tag meme for this where I posted excerpts from the five works I’m most proud of!

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received

questions like these remind me that I need to start saving my favorite reviews somewhere! that’s a goal for 2021, haha. but every comment that have listed their favorite moments in the fic I reread like five times over and smile every time, and all the comments people left me on the last chapter of i’ll walk through hell with you were so wonderful. and the rosa fic. and the -

you know what, I just started reading through old comments and I can’t pick one, it feels too unfair to all the other incredible ones I ’ve gotten. so. all of them!!!! I love you guys!!

I will mention this one that someone sent me in the middle of summer, during a period when I wasn’t writing or publishing so it ended up meaning that much more for that reason as well. comment on look at where we are, look at where we started (in the brief period of time when we thought peraltiago baby would be named Leo)

“Idk why, but the way Jake was talking to Leo made me wonder if my parents ever talked to me like that right after I was born. I've been told the story of my birth every birthday since I was born, so I know it by heart, but despite the countless Peraltiago baby fics and other fandom baby fics I've read, this is the one that made me wonder what my parents were thinking when I was born. And then it made me wonder what I'm gonna think when I give birth to a kid, or if I adopt a kid.” like, I was just so floored that something I wrote made someone reflect so deeply on their own life. and I want to underline that I have so so many favourite reviews but yes, this one stuck with me!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard

this summer was the hardest it’s ever been. first the (rightful) hesitance and reflection that followed the BLM protests and then some trauma and deep depression added onto that for me was… yeah. it took a really long time to find real joy in it again. 

7. A scene of characters you wrote that surprised you

Jake and Rosa’s friendship in i am not a stranger to the dark! I’ve written a bit of Rosa and Amy and feel quite comfortable with their friendship and dynamic but far less of Jake and Rosa! 

“At least this is still way better than... that.” “Literally everything is better than prison.” “True that.” Rosa looks up at the tv, realizing she’s missed at least ten minutes of the movie already. “I’m glad we got out.” “Sometimes it still feels like a part of me didn't,” Jake says, quietly. “You ever feel that way?” “Sometimes,” she admits. “We did, though. That's what's important.”

Rosa can hear someone talking in the background on the other end, and Jake mumbling something back in reply. “I have to go,” he tells her, and it makes her a little sad, because he's good company. “I can't miss dinner. Wouldn't want to piss off the entirety of my fiancées family before I’ve even married her, right?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year?

I wrote more Rosa! that’s probably the single thing which helped me grow most, because she’s arguably a much harder character to write than Jake and Amy, since most of the time you really have no clue what she’s thinking. I have to think a lot harder about how Rosa thinks and feels and reacts to things and I feel like that makes me a better writer overall. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year?

I don’t have any big expectations tbh. I know next year is going to take so much of my energy “”professionally”” or well, study-wise, so I think it’s the wrong year to set ambitious creative writing goals for me. then there’s also the inevitable fact that I’ve written a whopping ninety-nine stories for this show now and I’m always asking myself for how long it will last. there was a point in april-may where I thought it was going to be the end and during the entire summer as well. so… we’ll see. I don’t have any WIP I’m aching to finish right now. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta of cheerleader or muse etc. etc.)?

@fezzle, @johnny-and-dora, @vernonfielding, @amydancepants-peralta, @feeisamarshmallow, @amazingsantiago and @letsperaltiago all deserve their own shoutouts here for various reasons!! (if you want to know more about why just message me!) 

11. Anything from real life show up in your writing this year?

always, in different ways in how I relate to the characters and different feelings and moments and experiences that would take way too long to explain. but if I could choose one fic it would be paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans. I worked through a lot of feelings about a breakup I went through in this one and they were ones I hadn’t really had the chance to let myself feel before writing this. It isn’t similar to how my breakup went, at least I didn’t mean for it to be and haven’t put any intentional similarities in there (although I guess there are a few if you look for them) but some of the things Rosa thinks, says and feels after being broken up with were quite personal. i am not a stranger to the dark and the way it focuses on healing after trauma was also partly personal although way much less obviously so because the experiences are quite different lol.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

make writer friends! talk to other writers! you’ll both learn so much and it makes writing and developing fics so much more fun!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I currently have zero WIP and zero real plans so genuinely who knows. all depends on what my life will look like and what s8 will bring us! 

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year

all the favourite five, but maybe when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet). I think it’s a great complement to the Rosa and Amy action we saw in season 7 and it has a lot of peraltiago from someone else’s viewpoint as well. 

15. Year word count

are you kidding meeeee okay here we go.

okay, so adding everything I’ve published this year together… 111 283 words.

😳 😳 😳 

DEAR GOD.

additional trivia: the shortest fic was 651 words (evermore), the longest if you exclude the three chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you (they are 24.6k together though) (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, and the average word count for a fic of mine this year was 5 299 or 4 838 words, depending on whether you count the chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you as one or three works. that makes sense because i feel like i’ve written a loot of fics around that length this year! 

[knightofameris]

jar of stars — peter parker (p. iii)

Setting: After homecoming, but during the sophomore year of high school Gender: Neutral Contains: Flufffffffff, a little bit of angst but honestly not really lol. Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: (Y/n) has a thing for paper stars. They also have a thing for Peter Parker but then an itsy bitsy spider comes ‘round and practically plays matchmaker.

a/n: Let me know if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes or if I accidentally say ‘she/he’ instead of the gender neutral ‘they’.

So, I finished this months after starting this and I’m posting this a few weeks after finishing it. It’s a little rushed towards the end since I kinda lost inspiration. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this series! I have two more series (6-part and 8-part w/ epilogue coming up but I have no clue when they’ll be finished.

p. i || p. ii || here!

Enjoy!  [repost from old account]

❝ the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed                     that one eyebrow that defied gravity           it was like you were falling for him all over again ❞

“You can’t just take someone, swinging through the buildings of Queens, Peter!” Tony yelled, gesturing his entire arm out. Peter walked up towards his mentor in his outfit, his arms out as he tried to explain himself.

“Yeah but Mr. Sta-”

“A bup bup bup!” Tony raised a finger up in the air, effectively shutting Peter up who could only tighten his mouth in a straight line. “I’m talking here. Peter, I know you like this person a lot. (Y/n) right? What was it that you said to me about keeping your identity a secret?”

“To keep my loved ones safe.” They both said at the same time.

“Exactly,” Tony walked up towards Peter and wrapped an arm around the young teen. The two began to walk towards the car set outside the compound, ready to drive Peter home. “Someone could easily snap a picture and (Y/n) would be attached to your alter ego. I know you’re terrified to ask them out as - well - you,” Tony gestured towards Peter’s entire body.

“Wait, what do you mea-”

“But you’re going to have to. And not play around as Spider-Man to do so. Pepper is always in danger because of me. And trust me, I hate it. I’ve pushed her away in the past a few times and all of those who have been close to me because I’m scared of them getting hurt. You don’t need that on your conscience that young, if at all. I really - and I mean it - I really think you should stop talking to them. As Spider-Man, anyways.”

Peter  pursed his lips as he took in everything Tony said. Nodding his head, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stop talking to them. As Spider-Man.” The two of them finally reached the black car, Happy already in the drivers seat.

Tony reached over to open the door for Peter and then patted his back. “I knew you were a smart kid, Parker.” Peter smiled up at Tony as he got into the car.

“Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

“Uh, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Tony?” Tony quirked a brow and pointed at the boy seated in the car. “Oh, whatever, just get home safe or May will kill me.”

Tony patted the top of the car once the door shut and watched until the car left his line of vision.

Peter looked inside your room, watching as you worked on some stars while binging a show. He probably should knock, since this was kind of creepy, but you just looked so calm. No worries in the world. However, he raised his hand and rapped two knuckles on the window. You jolted a bit in your seat, looking at the window only to smile in relief when you recognized his mask.

You took off your earbuds and got up to open the window. You leaned out of it staring at the whites of his mask.  

“It’s late, what are you doing?” You asked, smiling and recalling the earlier events of the day. You couldn’t read the emotions etched on his face, but the way his body shifted side to side and how he moved his head to the side you could sense that something was up. You frowned. “Spider-Man?”

“Sooo, Mr. Stark caught me taking you through Queens.” He scratched the back of his neck, still not meeting your eyes. “He said I shouldn’t do that, or talk to you as Spider-Man. And I think so too. It can put you in serious danger if one of my enemies caught me with you and I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt. I’m really sorry and I hope you understand.” He began to walk away and raised his arm up to head back home but you reached out towards him, grasping onto his arm.

“Wait!” You urged. He glanced back at you. “Just, wait for a second.” You let go of his arm and ran into your room. Digging under your bed, you reached for a certain jar and ran back to the window. You held out the Spider-Man themed jar to him.

“It-It makes sense,” you said, “to stop talking to me. I get it. And as much as it sucks, I’m glad I got to know you. So at the very least, take this. You know, to remember me.” He gingerly took it out of your grasp and adired the spider design on the side.

He looked up into your eyes, “Thank you.”

You choked back a few tears before you said, “Good luck in life. And stay safe.”

Peter smiled. “I will. Thank you, (Y/n). For being a big part of my life. Make sure to tell Peter by the way.”

You nodded your head in response, not trusting your voice, before he jumped off the fire escape and into the night. You sighed, glancing up at the night sky. You weren’t met with the twinkling of stars, for they did not shine that night.

The dark circles under your eyes would not go away, no matter how much concealer you tried to put on. That much was evident to all your friends.

MJ frowned and furrowed her brows as she put an arm around you. “Dude, why do you look like you were up all night studying.”

Not wanting to tell the truth you replied, “Because I was?”

“Dude, (Y/n), you’re going to be fine,” Ned said, nudging you slightly with his elbow. You made sounds of protests in response but then quickly looked over at Peter. He was deathly quiet and usually would rush over to you the moment he knew you were killing yourself over school. But he looked just as tired, he was just lucky he didn’t have dark circles as evident as yours.

No one knew that you were close friends with the hero of Queens. Not even MJ but she knew something was up when you’d stop replying to her texts or wouldn’t hang out with her at night. So it’s not even like you could tell someone how you’ve been feeling since he cut you off.

It sucked. But you knew that it was because of how it could put you in danger. But there was still that voice in the back of your head wondering if he just cut you off because he was tired of you. Insecurities of yours wandered around in your head for the rest of the day.

You sat next to Peter with Ned, Cindy, and a few others, at the lab table in physics. Your head on the desk, looking at Peter’s well defined profile. You were thankful that Mrs. Warren didn’t assign any work after the AP exams; it meant you could sleep. But for some reason, even though you were extremely tired, you just watched Peter play card games with the rest of the group. The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed at something stupid. That one eyebrow that defied gravity. It was like you were falling for him all over again.

Maybe you should follow Spider-Man’s advice. Even if he never spoke to you again, you trusted him.

Your eyes began to close, listening to the voices of your friends and Peter’s laugh lulled you into dreamland.

The annoying sound of your alarm caused you to groan as you rolled over to slam the snooze button on your phone. You closed your eyes again as you drifted off into dreamland but the alarm that was set five minutes after went off causing you to groan again.

Your drowsy eyes slowly opened up as you rubbed your face with your hands. Tossing the blankets to the side, you groggily got up to get ready for school. You really regretted staying up to finish a season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine before the last day of school. Nah, it was so worth it.

It had been about a week and a few days since Spider-Man cut everything off with you. But with how it was the last day of school, you figured you should end it following his advice.

So there you were, standing in front of your jar-shelf trying to pick a confession jar. Which one would Peter like the most?

“It’s Peter, he wouldn’t care which one. Just if he got one,” you thought. And you knew you were right but the other voice kept saying otherwise. It wasn’t until your dad yelled at you saying you were going to be late, again, that you grabbed a random one and ran off to catch the subway.

The last day of school went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, you didn’t see Peter all day or even after school. Block schedule for finals were the worst.

“So you’re finally doing it?” Michelle asked as she walked you to the station.

You nodded your head, “Yeah, I haven’t seen him all day and Ned hasn’t either. So I’ll probably stop by his place since it’s on the way to mine.”

“Alright, doesn’t sound to bad. Tell me how it goes, loser,” Michelle smirked and you rolled your eyes, punching her shoulder lightly as she walked off to her train to take.

“I’ll text you tonight, get home safe, ho bag!” You called out, ignoring the looks from the older adults around you. You smiled to yourself as you got onto the train and shifted around to look for a seat, only to realize you were going to have to stand this time around. Again. Which was fine.

You gripped one of the handles as you pulled out your phone to check your messages. Replying quickly to a few friends, you pulled up Peter’s chat and let him know that you were stopping by. You shoved your phone back into your pocket and took a deep breath for what was to come.

You knocked on Peter’s apartment with two fingers and went back to grasp the straps of your backpack to ease your nerves. You waited for a bit and then heard a ruckus on the other side, only to see May open up holding a rag. She paused and then burst into a smile as she realized it was you.

“(Y/n)! It’s so nice to see you,” she gushed, ushering you into the apartment. You smiled up at her, your eyes flickering over to Peter’s door as you talked.

“Yeah, it’s been a while Mrs. Parker!” You brushed a hand through your hair.

“Oh,” she waved the rag nonchalantly, “just call me May. You’re probably here for Peter, you can just walk in, he just got back from school.” You nodded your head and thanked her before heading over into his room, taking out the jar from your bag.

You knocked a few times before clasping your hand around the doorknob and let yourself in. You suddenly became more aware of the jar that sat in your hands when you made eye contact with Peter who looked up at you from his bed on his phone. He jolted out of his bed and fixed his hair from tossing around in his bed.

“(Y/n), I just got your message,” he breathed out. Smiling as he moved around his room trying to clean up his slight mess. As he shuffled things around on his desk you couldn’t help but notice an oddly familiar jar that sat perched on it. Your face scrunched up in confusion and you tilted your head as you tried to recall the star jar that sat on his desk.

Peter looked up at you, “So, what do you need to-”

“Holy shit.”

The jar in your hand would have shattered if it hit the floor. But Peter reached forward fast enough to catch it before it did.

Peter probably should have realized you’d figure it out, that he was Spider-Man. So when he glanced up at your frozen figure, worry flooded over him.

“Peter?” You asked sternly, your finger pointing at the jar you had given him, or Spider-Man, weeks earlier. He followed your eyes that were looking in the same direction as your finger then back up at you.

“Yeah?”

“Are you Spider-Man?”

“Yes?”

“Oh, okay. Well, that jar’s for you. You should open it.” You walked out of his room, closing his door for a second. Peter stood there watching you leave, his mouth agape. Glancing down at the jar, realizing that you had followed his advice, then up to see your back about to leave his apartment, he set down the jar on his desk and ran after you.

“(Y/n), wait!” Peter called for you, jumping over the couch and setting his hand on your shoulder. You stopped mid-step but didn’t turn around to face him. “I - uh - I don’t know what to say.”

You closed your eyes, unsure of how to feel. “I liked you.”

Peter tilted his head and pulled his hand away from your shoulder. “Liked?”

You chuckled and moved your head down a bit. “I liked you, you know. Spider-Man. And you. God, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Relieved? That I wasn’t confused on who I liked? Happy? Because it’s you.  Or mad? Since you essentially used Spider-Man to get to me. Kind of broke my heart when Spider-Man stopped talking to me and when you got too busy with the Stark Internship to even make time for me or Michelle or Ned!” You brought your arm up to your face, wiping away stray tears.

Peter stood there and pursed his lips. His eyes watering a little bit since he was frustrated at himself for doing this to you.

You opened your mouth, about to tell Peter you were going to leave when you heard him talk.

“I’m sorry.” He shifted his weight on his feet and you turned to face him. “I am so, so, sorry about the distress I put you through.” He looked into your eyes, occasionally glancing elsewhere. “I shouldn’t have  to use Spider-Man to get close to you like that. I should have made more time for you as me. I just-uh-I should have told you about Spider-Man. And I’ll make it up to you! Because talking to you again as Spider-Man made me so ecstatic. I thought-I thought you hated me. You never gave me a jar and-and I was always scared. Scared to talk to you as me. So-so-so I thought,” Peter waved his arms around, not really looking at you by the time he got here, “I thought Spider-Man would be easier to talk to you. And it was-”

You wrapped your arms around him into a hug. “You talk wayyy too much Parker. I get it. It still doesn’t make it right though.” Peter smiled and you felt his arms wrap around you.

“I know. I’ll make it up to you.” Peter nuzzled his face into your hair.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay,” you slightly moved away from Peter looking up at him. “I trust you.” Peter grinned. “Now, you just gotta fill me in on everything.”

“I will.”