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youknowmymethods · 6 years ago

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Content Creator Interview #1

In the very first of a series of interviews with authors and artists in the Sherlolly and Sherlock fandoms @theemptyquarto chatted to @hobbitsdoitbetter about dark Anglo-Irish humour, how she got started in the fandom, cultural influences, and so much more.

I hope you all enjoy reading what they have to say as much as I did.

Hello Tumblr!

Back before Christmas 2018 I sat down (metaphorically, in a shared google doc) with the lovely Hobbitsdoitbetter. Hobbits has been working in fanfic at least since 2006, but came onto the BBC Sherlock scene in 2013, oddly enough (or maybe not that oddly, if you have read her sensitive and universally female-positive fic) getting her start as an Adlock writer. She switched over to Sherlolly with the brilliant, “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low,” a graceful and touching story dealing with domestic partner abuse.

After that she was off to the races. Since then, she’s written many of the most beloved stories in Sherlolly fandom, including: “The Boyfriend Experience,” which yours truly got to beta-read, set in an AU where Sherlock is a high class escort; “Little Goldfish,”a deeply sexy story dealing with the healthy (and unhealthy) use of BDSM in relationships; “The Rudest Man In London,” a rollicking Victorian AU adventure; and others too numerous to list here. Currently she’s publishing “Bliss,” another sweet Victorian AU in which Sherlock and Molly have to find their way to one another as partners in a marriage blanc, and a joint fic with Mizjoely called “The Poison in the Honey, the Sting in the Sweet,” featuring crimelord Sherlock, MI5 agent Molly, and an early-1980s setting.

Before I get into our chat, I’m going to post two reader questions submitted by OhAine pre-interview, since the actual discussion spins off both of them.

So with thanks to Aine:

(1) You write a very strong Molly, never more so than in “What the blackbird sang.” Can you tell us a little about the process of writing that story, and how difficult was it to walk the line between such a harrowing backstory and the love story you were developing?

It’s interesting to talk about “What The Blackbird Sang,” and the fic which preceded it, “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low.” It was the first Sherlolly piece I actually wrote, and I was still finding the characters’ voices. Getting John’s voice, in particular, proved a trial; it wasn’t until I wrote him telling someone off that I felt I had him. (I also wouldn’t make Mycroft so heartless if I wrote it today.) I was feeling my way through the Sherlockverse, and when I read the fic now, that’s really the only thing I can see, lol.

I was very aware of the morality of discussing something which affects people in real life, and of the ways in which some behaviors are presented to young women as welcome or romantic in popular culture when they’re actually creepy and controlling. Domestic violence is often presented in fanfic as an excuse for a character to be saved by another (male) character, or as an excuse for whump, angst or hurt/comfort, and I didn’t want to write anything like that. I wanted it to be realistic, and to be respectful of the experiences of people who have suffered from it. (I do know a couple of people who have survived DV, and I know their kids). I also wanted to show some of the things which younger readers should look out for as red flags, and give accurate information on what resources were available to them if they were in a situation which was dangerous. In short, I wanted the story to be useful as well as entertaining.

In order to do that, I looked a lot at real life cases of DV; almost everything which Molly’s ex does to her in the story is based on something from real life, including leaving the little bloody dolls on her doorstep. I also looked at the ways in which people with PTSD deal with panic attacks and flashbacks; I wanted to be honest and respectful, as I said, and I wanted to make sure that nothing I wrote glamourised or romanticized the abuse or the trauma. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I know how difficult it can be to try and manage someone else’s reaction to your illness, as well as your own: that’s why I chose to give Sherlock prior experience with dealing with panic attacks. Writing the story itself wasn’t difficult; because I had given myself an obligation to be realistic, I had an in-built set of brakes. I couldn’t put in anything too fantastical, and that certainly helped. As for writing the romance, well... I think one of the things I like about Sherlock is that he’s not led around by his libido. I figured that if anyone would be willing to give Molly a chance to heal before things become physical, it would be him. I also felt that, given how bewildered he is by interpersonal relationships sometimes, he would be able to sympathize with someone who was also feeling emotionally vulnerable. And dealing with the physical abuse helped Sherlock grow up a bit, because he couldn’t just charge in on a white horse and then disappear off: if he wanted to help, he had to stick around and do some things which he felt uncomfortable with, like being emotionally open. It meant that he had a through-line in the story which wasn’t just about being strong or powerful. He had to change and grow, and I felt that was important. It also meant that he had something to do besides be in love with Molly, and I do think that helped keep the story from becoming too saccharine or concerned with romance.

(2) I often think when I’m reading your Victorian stories that there’s a very certain quality that Molly shares with Irish women, that there’s a quietness and dignity to her strength that I saw in women of my mother’s generation: rather than being given it, they took power where they could find it. How much of your characterisation of Molly has been influenced by the women in your own history?

It’s interesting that you mention the women of our mother’s generation as regards Victorian Molly, because I do think there’s an element, not so much of quietness (I come from a long, LOUD line of Northside Dublin matriarchs) but I do think there’s an element of, as you say, taking what power you can rather than waiting to be given it. (Because if you’re waiting to be given anything in life, you’ll be waiting a long time, and it can always be taken back). Maybe it’s the feminist in me; I am painfully aware that surviving as a woman in the past was not easy. It was a great deal more than pretty dresses and dashing men in carriages. Poverty had dire consequences, and you had to be tough if you were to survive, particularly when you had no legal rights. So I do think that I bring that attitude to writing about the past: I’m a bit cynical about it.

I also don’t like writing passive characters: one of the things I like about Molly is that while she may be quiet, or shy, or sweet, or clumsy, she isn’t passive. (I suspect that’s the influence of Lou Brealey on the way she’s written, but that’s just a personal opinion.) Molly does things, actively: she decides to help Sherlock, she orders him to say ILY first. She’s not waiting to be saved, or to be loved; she accepts life and gets on with it. She has a sort of sweet stoicity that I like. And again, that stoicity may relate back to the women of our mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations, and that get on with it mentality that they had.

And with these tantalizing tidbits, I sat down with hobbitsdoitbetter for our chat.

Quarto: Hi Hobbits! Thanks for joining me!

Hobbits: I am here whenever you’re ready!

Quarto: Awesome. So, let’s get started with a spinoff of one of the questions OhAine submitted and that you’ve already answered. You started writing Sherlolly with “Be Near Me When My Light Is Low,” which deals with domestic violence and in which the love story is really more of a side subject. Can you talk about how you got the inspiration for this fic? What in the show led you to create the material?

Hobbits: It’s an odd one, that, because I don’t really remember deciding to write it. I do remember reading a piece of fic online by a very young writer, who was still learning her craft. She was doing that thing we all do at the start, which is ramping every reaction up to 11! But because she was talking about Molly feeling unhappy with how Sherlock spoke to her, she didn’t seem to realize how it came across. It came across, I remember thinking, as if Sherlock were being verbally abusive. A lot of it was in the reactions written on Molly’s behalf; one person’s sarcastic banter is another’s hurtful barb, and there didn’t seem to be a recognition of the difference. I messaged her privately and asked her about it, and she didn’t seem to see the difference (again, starting out and making a common mistake we all make). But there was a lot of stuff about Molly putting up with shite from Sherlock that I just didn’t see her putting up with, and which seemed to me to be quite… Let’s say unhelpful.

Quarto: I think it can be difficult to balance that sort of stuff in fic, particularly when you’re writing for a show like “Sherlock” where the wit is so pointed and exaggerated for dramatic effect. In the context of the show it’s funny but then when we try to capture it in fic it comes off like it would IRL, as “Wow, these people are massive assholes.”

Hobbits: Well, some of that is, I think, cultural differences. British and Irish people will say stuff to one another messing that the rest of the world is horrified by. We have a dark sense of humor as a matter of course. BUT the big thing is how the person you say it to reacts; Mycroft and Sherlock don’t get upset at how they speak to one another and they can be sarcastic little bitches. But if, for example, you say something to someone (as Sherlock does to Molly in the SIB Christmas scene) which hurts them, the appropriate response is to apologize and not do it again. I think that’s why we stick with Sherlock through so much, because you can tell that he just blurts stuff out, or gets so wound up in his own cleverness that he doesn’t stop to think about how it sounds. But if you’re portraying someone as upset, and that that’s a normal or desirable reaction to a character because they’re Just That Awesome, then I look at it a bit askance. In fairness to that writer from long ago, I don’t think it had occurred to her how it sounded; that’s something that comes later in writing, I think, when you no longer have the massive panic attack that is trying to finish something and put it out there, which is the first, scariest and bravest step.

Quarto: I’ll want to get back to the experience of authorship in a minute but before I do I’d like to talk a little bit about culture and how its influenced you as a writer, which also ties in with one of the reader-submitted questions. I wish I still had that email chain we did when you were writing “The Boyfriend Experience” but in one exchange we had that I recall, you disagreed with me (an American) that the story was dark. And you attributed your perception of it as not dark to your Irishness. And I kinda… have to stand by my original opinion of your writing, which is that you definitely operate a bit more on the grim end of the spectrum (with obvious exceptions). Do you think that your heritage and your culture are really determining or influencing the things you choose to write?

Hobbits: I remember that! I was terribly worried I had offended you :-( But I do think that the cultural assumptions that come from being working class and Irish determine your world-view, and what you think of as dark. (Infamously, Irish writers and playwrights are always writing dark plays and I have spent the last ten years working in a theatre, lol). But also, the reason I didn’t feel “The Boyfriend Experience,” was dark was because I didn’t necessarily feel prostitution or working through trauma were dark, they’re just facts of life. I do have stories I feel are dark, because they’re about hopelessness: Be Near Me… is one, as is Little Goldfish. I would say they’re dark because they take place primarily in very dark places where there’s no light coming in. Molly is being abused, Sherlock can’t move past his own hang ups and traumas. Those seem to me to be dark. But other things, where there’s a bad experience but people are managing to survive, or thrive, those I always find really life affirming. The other thing is that, as someone who deals with depression and anxiety, putting a label on something as dark has always seemed to me a way of making it seem more frightening and debilitating. But if you write about bad stuff that happens, but people survive it then I find that much more life affirming, particularly if you, The Reader, are dealing with some of those things yourself. It’s my way of saying, hey, this doesn’t define you. You aren’t helpless, you can get through this. Not “you must, because if you don’t then you’re weak,” but more, “even if you don’t entirely beat this, there are things you can do. You are more than a label.” Sorry, I’m not sure if I’m getting my meaning across there :-(

Quarto: Nah, you’re doing fine:) And at the point I made the original comment I don’t believe I knew how you were going to end the story… which you did with “recovery,” basically, rendering what comes before it a necessary process rather than “Oh fuck that’s a downer.” When you’ve tried to write horror, though, I will say that you do very well with it, possibly because of that attitude. The “Eurus thing” ficlet you wrote in “Bumping Back” is one of the creepiest short pieces I can recall reading in this or any fandom, and the bleakness of it is definitely part of that.

Hobbits: Well, one of the things about writing horror is it’s the only genre I give myself permission in to go to town with the darkness, lol. Every other genre, I always try to have some light at the end, but with horror it’s like, nah, bring it on. I also love writing horror to do with children, because it’s immediately making the adults uncomfortable- Nobody wants to imagine a child in that position. And of course the scariest things for most of us have roots in childhood; Pan’s Labyrinth scared the Bejayzus out of me, Crimson Peak not so much. And it’s because the things which imprint on us in childhood carry that same massive emotional weight throughout our lives. So if you tap into that with a reader, you tap into the child that reader was, not the fully grown up and confident person they’ve become. You can really up the ante emotionally in that way. I’m glad you liked the Eurus Thing btw, though my favorite of that series is probably The Other Tenant, just because I loved the idea of Mrs. Hudson having her own life which is every bit as interesting as her boys’. That’s how I like writing side characters, and I learned that in the XMen fandom: write everyone as if they have something just as interesting going on just off camera/page… Mwah ha ha!

Quarto: It’s a crime that there’s not WAY more Huddersfic. She’s had a fascinating life and there’s almost infinite room to give her adventures. Can we talk about how your life in the theater influences your writing a bit? You work as far as I can tell exclusively in the present tense… is that a reason why?

Hobbits: Mmm, that never occurred to me, but you may be right :-) I suppose I got used to writing in the present tense when I first started writing fanfic, because my earlier attempts at writing stories or novels (I emphasize attempts) were all in the past tense, so when I started in fanfic I wanted to experiment, and that was one of the experiments that worked for me. I loved how immediate it made everything. It’s funny, now, twelve years later, that I write so much more fanfic than I do regular prose (I mainly write plays now). I mean, I started in fanfic as a way to experiment with voice, since I had trouble with it when I was younger. I had a tendency, even then, to just write dialogue and nothing else, so I started writing characters I knew well, but who weren’t like the talkative characters I created. That’s one of the reasons I loved writing Logan in X-Men, for example: He’s so bloody gruff and uncommunicative. And then what started as a writing experiment became not only a place to learn my trade, but also a place to experiment with form, to make friends, and to write the sort of things I wanted to write without having to please anyone except myself. It was incredibly liberating, and really important in helping me find my voice and my confidence. I can genuinely say that I wouldn’t have had the confidence to have written my plays, or put them on, without the support of the fanfic community.

Quarto: You do have a very distinctive authorial voice. As someone who has been mistaken for MizJoely, Gettingovergreta, and Sunken_Standard on multiple occasions, I am slightly envious of this. Do you have any authors, fan or professional, who you think have influenced your style?

Hobbits: Well, in terms of style I can definitely cite Miabicicletta and OhAine as influences, in terms of the way they write and the subject matter they choose. Out here in meatspace, I love writers like Jim Butcher, Ben Aaronovitch and Leigh Bardugo, because they’re experimenting with genre and making it their own. I also love playwrights like Marina Carr and Mark O’Rowe, who again have that authorial voice down pat. As soon as you hear a speech by Marina Carr, you know it’s her. Same with Mark O’Rowe, a man whom even I think writes some dark stuff.

Quarto: I’m not familiar with him, but I’ll check him out. And now that you say it, the gritty modern-day fairytale vibe of the Dresden Files does definitely have some hobbitsy nature to it:)

Hobbits: God bless Harry Dresden, saving the world one random act of destruction at a time!

Quarto: Let’s talk shipping a bit. You started off with Adlock, and one of the things that I have liked about your fic is that you have preserved the importance of that relationship to Sherlock even though you’re obviously writing Sherlolly. What made you switch? And when did you start?

Hobbits: Well, I was asked to write an Adlock fic, which is how I got into the fandom. I had just finished a Darcy/Steve Rogers fic which was about them experimenting with D/s and Wicked Wanton got in touch with me on ff.net and asked me to write about Sherlock and Irene’s first time, specifically because I had written domme!Darcy. Once I wrote that, I started reading stuff around Sherlock and basically stumbled across Sherlolly, which I then fell in love with as a ship. I also felt that Irene, as much as I loved her, wasn’t the sort of person who would have a traditional HEA with Sherlock; my feeling about them was that they would kill one another, long term. Irene is nobody’s love interest, and I couldn’t really make stories which featured her in such a role fly with me. She seemed far too big a character to fulfill a role like that. Whereas with Molly she could have that sort of relationship with him, and not feel constricted. It wouldn’t be out of character for her, which I felt it would be for Irene. But I like Irene as a character, and for that reason I like having her in stories, and I treat her and SHerlock’s past together with respect. It’s entirely possible to love someone and know you can’t live with them. It doesn’t mean Sherlock loves Molly any less, or that he’s settling, they’re just a better match.

Quarto: Sort of going along with what you were saying earlier about wanting to fill in the stories of the supporting players more than the principals?

Hobbits: Yeah. I also found Molly more relatable in some ways, because she is the girl next door in a way that Irene isn’t. Molly is extraordinary, and a very specific type of female character who tends to get piled on by certain elements of fandom, so I like writing her. It’s partly wanting to give the side players more space and partly the fact that I loves me an underdog. And the reaction to her character was also soooo tied in with some of the issues fandom has had with misogyny (in the same vein that people reacted to Mary) that I wanted to write something which was pro-woman and pro-ordinary woman. We treat female characters as if we need an excuse to pay attention to them: either they’re naked or suffering or sexy. If they’re not fitting into any of those very specific niches then they get treated like they don’t deserve our attention or respect.

Quarto: It can indeed be difficult to relate to Irene “Stupidly beautiful, ten steps ahead of everybody, wearing $10,000 outfits” Adler sometimes. So let’s talk about your Molly a bit… you relate to her being the most “ordinary” woman in the show. Martin Freeman talked about how John is the “ordinary” man, but is in fact quite accomplished and has had a very interesting and adventurous life. Do you think something similar applies to Molly?

Hobbits: Yeah, absolutely. I think that when we talk about “ordinary characters,” in the Sherlock universe, it can be helpful to think about them, not in terms of who they are but what they want. John, Molly and Greg are all normal people who are very good at their jobs/have an amazing skill set, but they want relatively normal things. Happy home lives, a comfortable living. Their version of happiness would look a lot like us viewers’ version. Whereas Sherlock, Mycroft, Mary (to a certain extent), Eurus and Irene all want extraordinary things, as well as being extraordinary themselves. Sherlock wants to be able to tell the truth of someone just by looking at them; Mycroft and Eurus both want to be able to fit this massive, messy world into a box of order which they can understand. Irene wants to see just how far she can push everything, (something she has in common with Sherlock). John, Molly and Greg are ok with having lives more like us other poor schlubs, so long as they’re happy. (Of course, there’s a whole can of worms to be gone through whether John actually wants that, or thinks he wants that and deep down doesn’t). But I do think Greg and Molly are certainly happy to be Extraordinary Ambitions Adjacent, rather than having those ambitions themselves. They’re not quite so… grandiose, lol.

Quarto: I can’t believe I’m actually going to type these words, but… I’d argue that Molly is a John mirror (ughhh, m-theory) in some regards. Because Molly had the opportunity for “normal happiness” with Poor Tom Who Did His Best, and for somewhat ambiguous reasons ended it. Much like John thought he wanted a normal domestic life and accidentally married a superagent?

Hobbits: I so sometimes hate how much of what should be straight-forward fandom theory has been co-opted. I don’t know if I see her as a mirror for John, because I think if anything she’s a mirror for Sherlock. She’s who Sherlock might have become, had be had a different, more normal set of circumstances. (IE not being the sibling of The British Government and The Greatest Criminal MInd of The Millennium.) Whereas for John, I do think he doesn’t realize that he’s a weirdo like the Holmeses, until it’s staring him in the face. Molly isn’t an image of who he is, so much as who he thought he was, and in that way so are Greg and Stamford. A true mirror might be Sherlock himself, in his addicted-to-danger guise. Hmm, not sure that makes sense… :-/

Quarto: No, it makes sense, but it’s not a point of view I’ve seen many people espousing, even in Sherlolly fandom. When you’re writing them do you use the idea that Sherlock and Molly are recognizing some sort of internal similarity to themselves as part of their attraction/interest in one another?

Hobbits: I do think there’s an element of that, because a lot of what I write has Sherlock being a bit bewildered by emotion, particularly things like tenderness or attraction. Like, the purpose of the whole in-show thing with Irene was that The Woman was dangerous and not to be trusted, which is the message that Mycroft has always seemed to give Sherlock about feelings. So for me Molly represents for him a gradual realisation that feelings aren’t always big and terrifying; they can be sweet, and welcome, and kind, and they can add to your life. They can be safe. The concept of safety gets a bum rap in modern culture, but I think it’s a fundamental part of loving someone, and being able to be with them. Sure, it’s exciting to wonder whether your partner is going to put a knife in your back, but it’s a lot more pleasant (not to mention workable) to be with someone you trust.

Quarto: Mind if I ask a follow-on question about some of your sexy writing?

Hobbits: Sure, shoot :-)

Quarto: You’ve written several BDSM-themed fics with this pairing, I think exclusively with domme!Molly… does that go along with your ideas of “safety” as a critical component to their relationship?

Hobbits: Yes, in so far as I don’t think BDSM is necessary to feel safe in a relationship, but I do think that the attraction of BDSM in relationships can be that it’s rooted in safety. The submissive gives their control to the dominant, and trusts that the dominant will not take advantage, and will give them pleasure. (One of the reasons I ship Sherlolly more than Adlock is that I don’t think Irene could be trusted, at this point in her life, to do this for Sherlock). If you take that as a given, then the BDSM relationship is very up-front in its terms, and there’s very little grey area. You don’t have to interpret, you’ve already discussed what’s wanted, and where the lines are. There is also a procedure to follow if you need to pull back or change tack. I do think that all couples have elements of submission and dominance (or maybe trust and hand-over is a better way to phrase it), it’s just that D/s couples are more forthright about it. And as someone who sometimes has trouble reading social cues, both I (and, in my writing, Sherlock) appreciate the lack of ambiguity.

Quarto: You know you bring up a very interesting point and one that I never really thought of. Your Sherlock, consistently, needs to have trust and safety in his relationship with Molly. BDSM-fics or otherwise. And you wrote a lot of them before we knew that he was recovering from such horrific trauma that he suppressed and rewrote the memories of huge segments of his childhood. What did you see in the character that made you almost prescient about that?

Hobbits: Hmm… I think it’s because he was, from the beginning, presented to us as someone who was running from something. When you’re ok with where your thoughts are at, you don’t crave distraction in the way Sherlock does. He also didn’t seem to be able to handle his feelings, and that seemed to be tied into the way Mycroft had raised him to think of them: When there isn’t anything dark in the background of a character’s story, they learn to handle their emotions like a normal person, which neither Sherlock nor Mycroft had. It became even more pronounced when we met their lovely, slightly batty but seemingly emotionally healthy parents.

To be honest though, even if Sherlock hadn’t had the experiences we found out about in S4, I would have thought that the way he’d been raised had traumatized him a bit. Like, Mycroft probably thought he was doing a good thing, but telling a child that their emotions- which they cannot be without, and which act as an early-warning system for abuse and trouble- are not to be trusted is going to mess a kid up. And then there was all that stuff about “do not forget me…” in TAB, and that constant visual about Sherlock being submerged in water… The visuals of the show seemed to be hinting at something even before they came out with it. I am pleased that I called Eurus’ gender before S4, but that’s about the only thing I thought was just me being clever. The rest seemed common sense- If you’ve spent any time around traumatized people, which I have.

Quarto: You mentioned in your response to the reader questions that you now wouldn’t write Mycroft as being as heartless as you did in, “What The Blackbird Sang.” Is that just your perception changing or the addition of new material about him to the canon? Because that is the opposite of how I’ve felt about him:)

Hobbits: Partly, it’s because I think Mycroft has changed a bit from how we see him in S1, so that by S4 he’s more of a tragic figure. He’s that bloke who thought he was so much cleverer than everyone else, and then you realize that it’s just a cover because he has been asked to deal with things he has no idea how to deal with. And his sticking with keeping Eurus on Sherrinford, and not telling his parents, shows that. (In my HC, Rudy was her initial jailor, since Mycroft couldn’t have been old enough to make it happen). Mycroft reacted like a little kid who has done something wrong: hide it, contain it, don’t tell anyone about it. Make sure, as far as possible, that Eurus is ok, but that’s all. He puts all this pressure on himself, because he doesn’t know what else to do. One of the things which I loved about TFP is when Mummy tells Sherlock, “everyone knows you’re the sensible one!” Because yes, Mycroft is the elder and seems so much more put together, but in that family Sherlock is actually the emotionally healthy one. He’s grown and learned over the years, which Mycroft hasn’t. And that’s a real shame, because it damages Mycroft, and Eurus, and his parents.

(At this point in the interview Quarto ran a word count, realized this was getting lengthy, and decided to do some more rapid-fire Q&A.)

Quarto: So where do you see your future fics going, at two years into the long (and possibly unending) hiatus? Any things you’re wanting to write that we haven’t seen yet?

Hobbits: Well, I suppose I’ll stop writing when I stop having ideas for fics. I mean, that’s the thing about fandom, it’s a self-replenishing medium, so even if a new piece of canon doesn’t inspire you, a new fic or piece of fan art might. I do have a couple of pieces I wish I had gone back to (The Copperbeech Identity, Red Door Black and No Capes! Are the ones which spring immediately to mind.) Obviously, I want to finish Bliss and The Sting in The Honey… And I do have an idea for a Sherlolly AU which is set in a theatre during the production of a new show. (Seriously, you wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen in the last week before curtain-up, lol). At some point I’ll get to it, hopefully. For the time being though, I’m happy where I am. The only way I’d move on or step away is if I find something which grabs my attention more, and at the moment that’s not happening. So I am here for the time being, and I’m hoping that, even if I stop posting fic or fan art (something I’m dipping my toe into) then I will still be able to keep in touch with all the friends I’ve made in the fandom.

Quarto: I’d love it if you finished “Red Door Black.” I reread that one while prepping for this and had forgotten how much I loved it. And I’m here for your theater AU. Any fics you wish you’d written differently, or things you’d change?

Hobbits: I would have written Mycroft differently in Be Near Me… as I said. I might have written some of Rudest Man... differently, because I felt it ended up being very finicky as a plot. I had so many balls in the air, I’m not entirely sure I kept them all in motion in the best way. But that’s what happens when you give yourself 4 main pairings, two villains and permission to bring in any universe elements you want, including Torchwood and Tarzan, lol. Also, Sally and Henry Knight’s day will come, I tell you!

Quarto: Lol, I’d forgotten the little Lord Greystoke cameo in that one. What’s the best thing you’ve written?

Hobbits: Ah jaysus, you can’t ask an author that! I have some stories which I love, but which haven’t gotten much attention: Sense and Sensitivity, for example, in which Eurus runs away with the Guardians of the Galaxy, for example. Occasionally I just write weird stuff which makes me laugh. I think And A Garden… and What the Blackbird Sang are probably the two best structured stories. There’s nothing superfluous in them, nobody is out of character. I love the emotion of The Coffin-Maker’s Lullaby, because it was kind of like my thank you to the show; I had assumed that after S4 there was no chance it was coming back, at all, EVER, so that was my goodbye in a way. (Although, of course, then the fandom just kept going, and we found out there might be more, eventually. So it ended up being less a swan-song and more a high five)

Quarto: The original version of that question, FWIW, was “what’s the worst thing you’ve written” but I’m being positive today:) Any tips for fic writers just in general, or for people writing Sherlolly, or Molly specifically?

Hobbits: I have to admit, if I think something is bad then I’ll pull it. So anything I have up, I feel fairly happy with, even if I can see little niggling things I might change, not be happy with.

I think in writing, the thing I always say is do the first draft. Do the first draft and be happy that it’s shite, that’s the first draft’s job. You only get better if you write that first draft, and then improve on it. You only learn if you do that, and it’s trial and error. There’s a Miles Davis quote I love: “It sure does take a long time to sound like yourself.” And it’s true, it does. So give yourself the time. Don’t be worried about not sounding like anyone else: you only have to sound like you. If you’re writing in fandom, don’t stay in a fandom which is nasty to you or negative; you want to be in a place which is supportive. The Clois, Rogan and Sherlolly fandoms were all supportive and kind to me, and I couldn’t have developed as I have without them. I also couldn’t have continued to write the fic I write, which is feminine-positive, in a nasty or anti-feminist place. My one rule for my fic is that one of the female characters, somewhere, must be either getting what she wants, or on the way to getting it. That should absolutely be a thing in writing, and never be embarrassed or sorry about wanting that.

As for Molly, I think the writers have done an amazing job with her over the last few years. She went from being a walk over to an interesting, multi-faceted character in her own right. And she did it without having to become something she’s not: Molly will never be a Strong Female Character, and thank god for that! She’s more human and more interesting than that tag would ever make her.

Quarto: Words of wisdom. Hobbits, thank you for talking with me today!

Hobbits: It was my pleasure. If you need anything else, just let me know… And merry Christmas from Dublin :-)

So much thanks to Quarto and Hobbits for giving their time and energy to this project.

Next week:

Our next interview, featuring @lilsherlockian1975 and @mrsmcrieff, will be posted on Friday 22 February.

#content creator interviews #theemptyquarto #hobbitsdoitbetter #sherlolly #sherlock #TW: mentions of domestic violence

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jonsa101 · 7 years ago

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Season 7 Episode 2, The Jonsa Game Changer and Sansa’s Validation

This episode was such an important episode for Jonsa because it did two things:

1. It confirmed Jon’s feelings for Sansa when he chocked Littlefinger.

2. Sansa finally got the validation she needed from Jon.

I’m not gonna go over the first point because it’s pretty self explanatory and there are so many amazing metas that covers Jon’s scene with Littlefinger in detail. What I️ want to talk about is Jon finally validating Sansa’s feelings.

I️ think it’s pretty safe to say that from season 6 till season 7 Sansa has gone out of her way to validate Jon not only as a leader, but as a Stark at the head of their family. For women, it’s easier for us to recognize what people need from us emotionally. Early on, Sansa recognized where Jon needed to be affirmed and validated and has been intentional about affirming him through her words and actions.

Jon obviously loves Sansa and cares about his sister’s (cousin’s) feelings but he was completely clueless about what Sansa needed from him emotionally. Sansa suffered from years of emotional and physical abuse where she was constantly told that she was stupid. She always had to mask her true self and she NEVER had a voice. Now after reuniting with Jon, Sansa isn’t after power. All she wants is to be HEARD! To know that she is smart and capable and that her opinions are valued.

But Jon isn’t aware of her feelings.

In fact, in season 7 episode 1 he basically mocks her in the area that she needs validation in the most. When Jon says “and how should I️ be smarter by listening to you?” he knew that he had fucked up. The hurt was written all over her face and he knew that he was being a jerk/stubborn. I️ would even say that Littlefinger asking Sansa about her happiness, later on in the episode, was entirely about Jon. Not only about her potential feelings for him but also her feeling upset at the fact that Jon wasn’t taken her seriously.

Somewhere between episode 1 and episode 2, Jon had a reality check and completely changed his attitude. He genuinely was interested in her opinion about Tyrion’s letter and then he left her his kingdom! I️ have always been convinced that Jon didn’t tell Sansa in private about his plans for Dragonstone because he wanted to affirm her in front of everyone. He wanted to let everyone know that she is not only a capable leader and should be respected as such, but also the role that she plays in his life and in the North. #SWOON ❤️

Y’all when I️ first watched this episode my heart was blooming and I️ didn’t even ship them yet. Everything about the scene was so touching and filled with love,romantic or not. The funny thing about this moment is that the thought never crossed her mind that Jon would leave his kingdom to her. Even when Jon said he’s leaving “both in good hands,” Sansa has the nerve to say “whose.” Lol! Can you imagine how frustrated with Jon she must have been that she thinks that Jon would bypass her in leadership role?

This one action Jon made showed how much he valued his relationship with Sansa. Somewhere along the line, Jon realized that if he didn’t pay attention to Sansa’s feelings and do his part to meet her needs that it would negatively affect their relationship. So what did he do? He changed his behavior, he became intentional about asking her opinions, and he left his kingdom to her in the most grand gesture way possible. This only made their bond that much stronger and grew their trust in each other.

Jon did the very thing that Sansa wanted from him but didn’t think he would ever do! He finally validated her voice, her intelligence, and her capabilities and that made all the difference.

None of these gifs are mine btw. Got them on tumblr and google. 😊

#jon x sansa #jonsa #actuallyjonsa #jonsa meta #jonsa is endgame #jonsa is coming #sansa stark #jon snow

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ghostgetter · 7 years ago

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What made people think Starco was co-dependant? Is it co-dependant?

no!!!!!!!!

This is legit the first definition of it on google???

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics (????). Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.”

???? where the fuck do people get off throwing this sorta bullshit just because they dislike starco? I read this shit and I legit question the mental gymnastics people gotta go through to undermine this pairing like…just be wrong and say you don’t want it because you wanna be edgy and cool and you shop at hot topic!!!

Nothing about this relationship is emotionally destructive or abusive! Why, because Marco missed Star and left Earth to be with her, because the kid has feelings and his heart wasn’t on Earth anymore? Because he’s her squire right now, and she’s trying to force her feelings for him away because she thought she was too “messed up” on him? I just…it’s a cartoon lol. The entire point of starco goes against the co-dependency definition - it’s literally written as a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. They raise each other up in different ways. One is grounded and the other is able to be brought out of their shell. I could go on and on but the point is they have a strong bond with romantic attachment to it, and it’s mutual. They’re showing you how deep their feelings for each other run I cannot believe I gotta suffer through this dumbass bullshit from you people!!!! Christ.

#ask

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medleymisty · 8 years ago

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to anyone out there who gets hate in the Sims community

Decided to post this here even with the stalkers, because hey. Whatever. ;) After the Bad Times, I spent a few years creating boundaries. Because I didn’t have much of them before, lol. I’m still working on it, but I have come a really long way.

With this most recent boundary violation (yeah, if you don't know, the stalkers just can't quit me), what I’m learning right now is that I am not responsible if other people can’t create their own boundaries. Like if other people can’t prevent themselves from reading my blogs even if it makes them upset, that’s not my problem. If they can’t come to me in private under a real username and discuss their problem with me, and instead they run off and post about it anonymously in public, that’s not my problem either. I can’t help it if other people are that immature and that unable to deal with their own emotions. I don’t have to take on their emotions. I don’t have to let them in. I don’t have to wonder if they’re right about me. I don’t have to try to empathize with them. I don’t have to do anything but take what steps I can to protect myself from them. I’m not responsible for them at all, and their weird obsession with me and watching my posts and going and hating me with all their equally immature friends is their problem and their deal and something they need to take responsibility for and work on. Ain’t my job to do anything about it. :) Googling about why people like to group up and hate on strangers online now. People get awfully defensive about it and they try to say, “Everyone else does it toooo, and it’s an escape, and you’re a hypocrite if you say you don’t do it!!!!” Actually no, I don’t go around purposefully traumatizing people by ganging up on them and stalking them and repeatedly violating their boundaries and leaving a record of hate that affects how other people treat them and that can isolate them and destroy their sense of self. Because I’m not evil and/or an emotional toddler. Seriously, if you really think about it, that sort of behavior betrays a deep lack of empathy, an inability to create boundaries or respect the boundaries of others, severe emotional immaturity, a lack of any sort of internal ethics, and an interior emptiness that they don’t know how to fill. Healthy people don’t need to “escape” by traumatizing others. People who have an interior self find things to do with their time other than obsessively watching and judging others. Emotionally mature people realize that there are boundaries online, that the other people on the internet are actually real humans and not bots, and that just having a blog does not mean that you are inviting a mob to come hate you and stalk you and tear you apart, and that if you don’t like someone else’s blog it is your responsibility to just walk away. Like me, right? I unfollow and block anyone who breathes the slightest word that infers that they might go to Simsecret or who says anything harsh and judging and critical, but that’s it. I remove myself from their presence. I don’t go to their inbox and say anything to them. I don’t call them out by username and round up a group to go after them. I don’t stalk them. I just put up my boundaries and move on. These people are low level abusers, aren’t they? Like they’re not hardcore abusers, although I know at least one of the leaders is. But they’re the flying monkeys for the hardcore abusers. No respect for boundaries, refusal to take responsibility for how their actions affect others, blaming others for being hurt by their hurtful actions, an internal emptiness that they try to fill by attacking others, addiction to the rush they get from being mean and the sense of control they get from hurting other people, the acting like they’re helpless against their emotions and “Everyone does it! And anyway if she didn’t want me to stalk her for years and constantly violate her boundaries and point out every tiny thing I considered a flaw in public while hiding behind anonymity, then she shouldn’t have gotten in the way of my eyeballs/mouse/fingers typing in a blog address!” That's no different from "If she didn't want me to punch her, she shouldn't have gotten in the way of my fist!" It really is all them, and it's nothing that I gotta worry about. I don't know if this post qualifies as "feeding the trolls" or not. It's not aimed at them. I've figured out that they're not gonna change. It's more aimed at anyone else out there who might be a target, to help them understand and deal and not take it personally and learn about boundaries. I've had to learn all this the hard way. I hope that if I share what I've learned, someone else out there will learn faster and easier than I did. ;)

It's not your fault, you are a decent person, they are not right about you, and they are the ones who are dysfunctional. And if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it and who's been through it and survived and who is still here because she's not going to let trolls destroy what she loves most, send me a message. :)

#text #non-sims #misty the teal deer

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kai-keda · 8 years ago

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do you think chichi fits the tiger mom stereotype? how do you view the stereotype in general, taking onto account the harm it is said to be done to children's development and the crash of culture?

So I’ve always been iffy on what “Tiger Mom” means so I googled it and LOOK AT THIS AWESOME SOURCE HOLY COW

(that’s a .edu source. Very trustworthy~)

Anyways, I like how the first section there talks about how the stereotype itself is far from the truth as far as actual Chinese parents feel and also how it’s a stereotype from American culture that comes from trying to explain Chinese ideas with American logic.

I just read the first section to get an idea of what the actual stereotype is and from what I read... Chichi sounds a lot like Amy Chua.

Outsiders trying to put American ideas and culture onto a Chinese woman and deciding that she’s doing things that she’s actually not.

Like the Author, Scarlett Wang, said about Amy’s children being both very happy and successful, Gohan seems very happy and successful by the time he goes into High School. He seems to be on a damn good path for himself. So why the harsh judgments on Chichi’s parenting?

I don’t think Chichi fits the stereotype, but I think she actually is an example of what a typical Chinese mother is like, at least, from what this article tell me.

And now I go to read the rest of that article because making a claim like that while not reading it seems dumb, actually.

I just read the second section and it seems like this really is starting to describe Chichi.

Some would say she’s authoritative (myself) and others would say she’s authoritarian but in all honesty, it’s most liking something different that is similar to both styles while not being either. I.e; Chinese mother.

On to the third section!

“Thus, parenting practices that appear harsh and strict to others are often simply a culturally-based attempt to train children to act in a socially acceptable manner.” Sounds about how I feel about Chichi’s parenting. She seems to yell too much in our eyes but with a closer look you notice that she only yells when necessary and that she’s trying to burn it into her child’s brain that that behavior is not okay. Same goes for possibly explaining why she yells at Goku in front of the kids. It could be that she developed the habit of yelling at him in front of Gohan to make sure Gohan would know that “you see what your father is doing? He’s a special case. Don’t do that. See? I’m not rewarding his behavior, I’m punishing it.”

In American society, we see yelling as a BIG no-no for some reason. (Idk. My mom yelled a lot and my family is the most whole and successful one of all my friends so I don’t think it matters that much lol. Just saying that there’s no definite proof that it’s bad parenting to yell but I digress). But I can see how that’s a simple cultural difference. Stereotypes exist for a reason, after all. It’s possible that Chinese parents DO yell at their kids a lot but only because their culture has taught them that’s exactly what you’re SUPPOSED to do. Better than actually getting emotionally/physically abusive. Yelling alone does not make it emotionally abusive, but the how, when, why and what they’re yelling can be. Chichi doesn’t yell that Gohan is stupid/terrible/the worst. She just yells that he’s acting up as punishment for said acting up.

I love how this section goes into how a lot of people misunderstand Chinese parenting (and I think parenting in general) because they only see the actions and not the beliefs behind the actions.

That happens a LOT in this fanbase. Ignoring the intentions, the context and all the background behind what happens and focusing solely on what actually happened. This is some kind of logical fallacy, I can feel it.

To the fourth section!

This one is really interesting to me becomes it makes the idea of children having the understanding that their parents way of raising them is a good thing as important clear. It’s important for the child to have that cultural understanding.

In the case of Dragon Ball where we’re not talking about a 1x1 comparison, I think it’s safe to call Gohan a first-generation child to a Chinese immigrant mother. From what we have seen (which is honestly not much because it’s an action series) Chichi seems to have a distinct style of parenting and we all know Goku’s got shit for culture to influence him.

I think Gohan having spent four years not knowing anything else but Chichi’s parenting style and Goku no doubt giving in to whatever Chichi says because he’s not an idiot and he knows that she’s more educated on what good parenting is could lead to the conclusion that Gohan has that cultural understanding that what Chichi does what she does because she loves him.

The reason I bring Goku most likely giving in to Chichi up is because, with Goku and Chichi being the only examples Gohan had to go on before getting kidnapped by a seven year old alien monster, it’s important to understand how Goku probably reacts to Chichi’s requests. Probably confusion and more than likely positive responses.

Keep in mind that all scenes of Gohan sneaking out behind Chichi’s back because he doesn’t want to study are filler and movies. Not canon. I don’t believe there’s anything in canon of Gohan going against his mother and acting like he doesn’t want anything to do with her style of parenting.

The most we get of that sentiment is when he demands to go to Namek which is a very isolated incident but even then, he’s not sneaking out out of fear of her reaction. He knows she’ll be mad but he still confronts it because he doesn’t really want to go against his mother, he just really wants to go to Namek.

The final section!

“highlight the danger in applying mainstream American concepts of parenting to measure and understand Chinese parenting.” Just gonna leave that there.

Okay so time for my own conclusion.

Yeah, sure, Chichi is a “tiger-mom” and we all know how she’s based on Chinese culture. Everything she does is based on Chinese culture so it’s not hard to believe that her rationale comes from Chinese ideas.

After reading this, I think most - if not all - ideas of the “tiger-mom” stereotype being inherently bad for children is based on trying to push American culture onto Chinese mothers.

For Chichi’s philosophy to work, Gohan needs to be able to understand the culture behind it and I believe it’s safe to assume he does given how that’s the only parenting style he’s seen (again - running on the assumption that Goku would go along with whatever Chichi says) so there’s no reason to believe he suffers from it the way second-generation Chinese immigrant children do.

I think Chichi’s parenting style is a legitimate way to approach parenting and that it works perfect for Gohan, even with all the outside interference's.

I also believe Goku’s a very passive parent. He let’s Chichi lead the way on what to do and just spends all his energy on spoiling and loving his son because, as far as how to be a good parent, it’s all he knows. This ends up giving us our very traditional feel from this family. Dad’s off at work all the time, mom’s at home raising the kids and when they get to all be together, those moments are full of quality love.

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chocolateheal · 6 years ago

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24 Ugly Truth About Best Female Musicians 24 | best female musicians 24

In a new address appear Wednesday by The New York Times, seven women accuse Ryan Adams of wielding his music industry ascendancy to emotionally corruption and sexually dispense them. The address cites seven altered women, including Adams’ ex-wife Mandy Moore and ascent artist Phoebe Bridgers, and describes a arrangement in which offers of career abetment afresh angry into animal advances and adventurous relationships became emotionally abusive.

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Perhaps the heftiest allegation in the address is that of Ava, a adolescent bassist who was 14 years old aback she began communicating with Adams online. Per The New York Times,

She had been a able bassist aback the age of 9. By 12, she was road-tripping with her ancestors to Manhattan for gigs with accustomed musicians. … Adams represented the artistic approaching she dreamed of.

Their conversations were on and off, but a affiliated affair was Adams annoyed about Ava’s age — and allurement to accumulate their exchanges abstruse — while additionally indulging in animal scenarios.

“I never see pics of you anymore,” Adams wrote in November 2014, aback he had aloof angry 40 and Ava was anew 16. “You were alarming my mind.” He had pet names for her anatomy parts.

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Days later, Adams bidding anxiety: “If bodies knew they would say I was like R Kelley [sic] lol,” he wrote.

The New York Times advised over 3,000 letters amid Adams and Ava from a 9-month aeon during which Ava was 15 and 16 years old, abounding of which are absolute in nature. Ava additionally claims that on one break during this time, he assertive her to Skype with him and was already naked aback they connected.

At the time, Ava lived in Iowa, a accompaniment in which it is “a abomination to solicit, barter or acquire any actual that shows a being beneath 18 agreeable in animal activity.” However, “Several acknowledged experts said that prosecuting such cases could absorb disputes over administration and whether the developed analytic believed the accessory was of acknowledged age, demography into annual ambience from their conversations.”

Andrew B. Brettler, Adams’s lawyer, told the Times, “Mr. Adams absolutely denies that he anytime affianced in inappropriate online animal communications with accession he knew was underage.”

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In accession to analogue on the capacity of Ava and Ryan Adams’ correspondence, the address offers accounts from several added changeable artists that became complex with Adams afterwards he promised to advice their careers. Each of them alleges that Adams acquired their absorption and amore by alms to advice them with their agreeable aspirations. Each of them claims that this amore from Adams eventually became inappropriate and domineering. The agnate claims appear from women with a ambit of acquaintance with Ryan Adams, from Mandy Moore, his wife of six years, to Phoebe Bridgers, with whom he was briefly romantically involved, to Courtney Jaye. Jaye was reportedly fabricated so afflictive by her one in-person alternation with Adams that she never saw him afresh and claimed, “Something afflicted in me that year. It fabricated me aloof not appetite to accomplish music.”

As Moore notes, “Music was a point of ascendancy for him. What you acquaintance with him — the treatment, the destructive, berserk array of aback and alternating behavior — feels so exclusive. You feel like there’s no way added bodies accept been advised like this.”

Mandy Moore says of their 6-year marriage, which concluded in 2016, “What you acquaintance with him — the treatment, the destructive, berserk array of aback and alternating behavior — feels so exclusive. You feel like there’s no way added bodies accept been advised like this. … Music was a point of ascendancy for him.”

Per Rolling Stone, on Wednesday, above-mentioned to the advertisement of the New York Times article, Adams acquaint a since-deleted angel of the New York Times logo. The explanation read, “Fuck you. You are backing litter. Happy Valentine’s Day.” He additionally replied to one cheep afore the story’s advertisement with “Run your apply piece. But the leagel [sic] eagles see you. Rats. I’m fucking demography you down.”

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Since the report’s publication, that accent has appeared to abate slightly. In a alternation of tweets acquaint beforehand this evening, Adams noted, “I am not a absolute man and I accept fabricated abounding mistakes. To anyone I accept anytime hurt, about unintentionally, I apologize acutely and unreservedly. … But the account that this commodity paints is upsettingly inaccurate. Some of its capacity are misrepresented; some are exaggerated; some are absolute false. I would never accept inappropriate interactions with accession I anticipation was underage. Period. … As accession who has consistently approved to advance joy through my music and my life, audition that some bodies accept I acquired them affliction saddens me greatly. I am bound to assignment to be the best man I can be. And I ambition anybody compassion, compassionate and healing.”

I am not a absolute man and I accept fabricated abounding mistakes. To anyone I accept anytime hurt, about unintentionally, I apologize acutely and unreservedly.

— Ryan Adams (@TheRyanAdams) February 13, 2019

The accusations appear as Ryan Adams is advancing for a decidedly active year. He has acclaimed that he affairs to absolution 3 albums in 2019, appear music off the aboriginal of those albums, and teased some high-profile collaborations.

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He is additionally advancing to arch out on bout this spring. Yesterday, advanced of the advertisement of the Times‘ address Adams acquaint on his Instagram about the run, abrogation a explanation that now seems to answer the women’s claims about him.

Read the abounding address in The New York Times here.

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understandingthevoices · 6 years ago

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I appreciate the well thought out response! Lets do a quick survey- In regards to the narcs you have personally dealt with, what careers are they in? On to a heavier question- what type of person would be a good partner for the narc- not someone for the supply and fuel, but truly who would be compatible with the narc and help him/her get out of their narc behaviors? So not someone that would continue the supply but someone that can actually help and be in a fulfilling relationship with the narc?

no problem ! hmm so i haven’t dealt with many - at least not in a close enough proximity that would allow me to definitively diagnose them (usually there is something so off about them that i keep away; my close friends have always been nothing but highly empathetic and supportive) - but i do have my suspicions about a few people i know and have come in contact with, including the ex and the friend. the ex and one of my acquaintances i highly suspect is a narc are in med school (allow me to voice my disgust here… they really have no place treating patients…i wish med schools screened for lack of empathy and compassion tbh) and then the friend works in an investment firm in wall street – which imo is a much more suitable career for the narc types. i can’t see him even batting an eye at the immoral actions they probs have him do day after day; i genuinely don’t think he would have any trouble financially screwing some poor person over as long as it meant he was getting rewarded for it

but it’s actually a very interesting (albeit sad) reality that the traits that one associates with narcissism - a lack of empathy/compassion, an emphasis on self-aggrandizement, on showboating, on self-fulfillment, on selfishness - are very much the traits that allow individuals to prosper and get ahead in the professional/career world. the empaths, that are too concerned with other people’s feelings and how they might be affected - often fall far far behind as a result of their inherent nature to think about others… and this is true for all careers, including some you wouldn’t think about - like medicine, unfortunately

so now your next question – which hits pretty close to home, as you can imagine. since my ex was a narc i thought about this question often, especially when the breakup was more recent, and wondered if he was gonna treat his next supply different, if maybe she’d have some insider narc knowledge that i didn’t… but tbh from the outside i know its just the same old fake love that i’m so familiar with… gagi don’t think there really is a partner that would be good for the narc, and who the narc won’t just treat as supply/fuel. i know it may seem i’m biased here, but i’m trying my very best to be as rational as possible the thing is, the narc screens out people who he knows he can’t manipulate - people that have such a strong sense of self, are hella outspoken, won’t ever give him the benefit of the doubt, those that have heard about his antics from other people - so those people are not even in the running when the narc decides to get into a relationship. so the only people really left are the empaths, which of course act as the supply/fuel for the narc… and once they recognize the narcissistic abuse (this usually comes later - but once they recognize their needs aren’t being met and their emotions are being ignored), and subsequently become outspoken, stand up for themselves, demonstrate that they won’t be walked all over, etc, the narc initially tries to gaslight, then tries to manipulate the situation in his favor, but then finally realizes the situation is hopeless and leaves, only to be tied up with another empath supply a few weeks later…so for that reason, i can’t think of any kind of personality that would be a good partner for the narc, that would “help him get out of their narc behaviors” and even the notion of that very quote is dangerous —-thinking you can help a narc out of his behaviors is how the narc continues to keep his victim trapped; since his victims are empaths, they want to help him - it’s what they’ve done their whole life and been rewarded for - and so they think to themselves, oh maybe if i show him enough love, he’ll take off the mask and be actually loving with me… nOPE not how it worksinstead, the narc will continue to manipulate, by promising the empath he is gonna get better and is trying and only needs a bit more time and support, but now that the empath is helping them he’s SO CLOSE TO FINDING HIS TRUE SELF - but in reality he’s just continuing to string along the empath, knowing full well he has no desire or impulse to be better, work on himself, or take the necessary measures to become emotionally mature and healthy by going to therapy, etc

the bottom line is the narc doesn’t have the ability to emotionally connect to another human being, the idea of love as an emotion is so foreign to them… so they don’t care about others apart from what they do for him - and so because they only care what others do for them, they can easily replace themwhen they say “i love you” they really mean “i love to use you”soo when you’re with one, you’re just as replaceable as the cellphone they use everydayand of course, if your cellphone malfunctions, you just get a new onesame thing here if you leave or if you decide to not follow the script anymore, they’ll feel sad they lost a familiar supply but they won’t do anything about it - they won’t take responsibility for the relationship’s end or try to fix what was wrong…(even if you tell them exactly what it was and what they have to do to fix it) instead, they’ll just find a new supply who is more gullible, malleable, and subservient to their needs (what you were in the beginning) to take your place no harm no foul in their mindsand because they have no empathy they dont care about what you’re going thru as a result of their actions –

even when you google it, they say the only real therapy for narcissism is “talk therapy” - and if you’ve ever dealt with a narc, you know how that goes - THEY ARE MASTERS at social situations, especially ones that require them to talk/convince/persuade, and can manipulate any situation to their benefit, and i can definitely see them doing the same in therapy…so even if a narc dated a psychiatrist or a mental health aide, there just is no real way i can see that being/becoming healthy and fulfilling for the empath (the narc tho of course is fulfilled)the truth is despite the illusions of self-confidence and self-aggrandizement the narc is deeply insecure about who he is - and that’s why he puts on the social masks and has such a huge thirst for fuel/supply (which is really just validation) – it doesn’t even matter who that supply isand anyone that can see thru the mask and see the little insecure boy that has wanted for love and affirmation his whole life has gotta go he doesn’t care to fix the roots of insecurity… why would he? that would require him facing the truth & he’s as happy as a clam in his delusional world

in some of my other informal research, psychiatrists actually said to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist - don’t try to help them… just get out, you’ll just be wasting your precious time trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. and if you don’t have that freedom - if there’s social or financial restrictions, for example - you have to learn to manage your expectations. never expect the narc to be that loving, dutiful bf/husband/partner that you envisioned him being in the beginning - all of it was fake in an effort to lure you in and blind you to the real them – the person who he really is is the one you’re living with now - the selfish, controlling, mean one – and you have to learn to live with that. manage your expectations, and look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere, like in hobbies or friends, etc ngl i often felt like i was in a “loveless marriage” when i was with the narc… and i really did think i’m way too young to feel like this …where is my hollywood romance????? - but since i had nothing to compare it to and i was convinced he was the LOML who i was meant to be with i didn’t think it was as toxic as it ended up being

if i were to dig rly deep though, the only way to get a narc to cooperate and to think about your needs would be to present yourself as such a high-quality supply (supporting his selfcentered worldview, grandiose beliefs about himself, contributing to it even) and thereby foster dependence on you by the narc – thereby forcing the narc to meet your needs if he wants to continue getting his supply – something i tried doing but it was exhausting because he was only doing the VERY bare minimum and made me feel like a huge burden in his life as a resultplus i don’t think you should have to beg/manipulate someone into loving youit def worked for a while but it was just another twisted game in the end and not truly the “healthy and fulfilling relationship” i think you’re asking aboutit’s never gonna be fulfilling- just fuel-filling LOL (i had to do it lmaooo)

and that’s the realitynow if you have an avoidant attachment style and don’t require emotional fulfillment, then that’s a narc’s wet dream – they will never have to get better, and they’ll have the supply and fuel they need - but is that healthy and fulfilling for either person???? nah at that point they’re just enabling each other lmao

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