understandingthevoices

[understandingthevoices]

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[understandingthevoices]

ahhhhhh

long time no update but

I started residency in my dream specialty!!!!!!!!! can't fucking wait, letting the world come together in the only way it can is the way to go

i haven't forced anything in a long while and it's been amazing

[understandingthevoices]

it's probably no surprise to anyone that im not always the best at asking for what i want/need and expressing vulnerability

like i would much rather just give myself those things but these past few years ive learnt to accept help from others because i wanted a healthy relationship in my life

and with this guy for the first time in my life - he embodies and exhibits so much emotional safety that i actually feel comfortable asking for what i want without feeling like im being too needy or thinking he'll dismiss my wants as unimportant like he makes me feel so supported and special it's such a good feeling i'm so lucky i think reframing it as "im asking for these things because i care about this relationship and want it to flourish" and being positive instead of "im being too needy by asking for these things" and then letting resentment/frustration build up is a huge game-changer too

plus also realizing men who like you want to make you happy - and you actually make their job way easier and more fulfilling by telling them what will make you happy 10/10 they will do it!!!!!!! don't expect them to be mind-readers, but do expect them to be happiness-providers

[understandingthevoices]

he told me he was gonna buy lingerie for me!!!!

my 18-year-old self is SCREAMINGGGGG i always wanted to wear it bc i know my body would look smoking but it's just no fun unless the guy is equally invested or hell even more so haha

[understandingthevoices]

things are going pretty well with him, idk man i feel so blessed hes a good one for sure but it's still early so not tryna have crazy expectations but spending time with him feels like a calm dream, no crazy adrenaline-rushed junkie feeling - just peace we had a convo about how things are going and as scary as it was, with him it was just easy

but pls explain WHY an hour after i come home from spending time at his place a guy i hooked up w 4 years ago texts me being like "miss you" like brooo wtf mind u, he hasn't seen/texted me the whole time guys literally come back EVERY GODDAMN TIME it's insane, ive never been ghosted, if anything just the opposite lololol

but i lowkey feel like it's a good thing it's like all the guys from my past are coming out of the woodworks knowing ive met my person, just throwing one last hail mary HAHA

[understandingthevoices]

i'm so happy i took a step back for 3 years and focused on myself bc now when i meet a guy i can be so present with him - EMOTIONALLY - in a way i've never been able to be before

it's like night and day and tbh an emotionally secure man wants that, he ain't tryna fix you

[understandingthevoices]

um this is crazy i know but i think i just met my future husband

[understandingthevoices]

my apartment was having a bingo night and i was at school so i totally missed it but i went for the free drinks and i started talking to the bingo dude who was wrapping up and i could see him getting lost in my eyes and he was like oh im sorry you're just so pretty and im like??? i just took an exam i feel like a mess and he's like nah theres no mess about you and he asked me for my number! hes a comedian that does shows and travels and is doing cool shit he quit corporate to do comedy full time LMAO

but yeah, broad daylight, no makeup, post exam wtf idk what im doing different but ive never had this much attention before is all im sayin

[understandingthevoices]

LOLLL

A cute guy from hs randomly messaged me asking if I wanted to meet up when we are both back home, I swear the energy I give out now is witchcraft levels

[understandingthevoices]

damn he ordered the flower set and we built it in 1 day and he let me keep it!!!!

what, it really is that easy? like no begging, no asking, just a man who wants to give to make me happy

i knew being pretty was a privilege but i thought with glasses i wouldn't have that power over men anymore - turns out i'm still hot but just hot to a different type of man but i love guys who acknowledge their role is to provide and protect, it literally is so fuckin hot

probably traditional af but it's important to me and the man i end up with has to believe in it too that's why appearance wise my tastes are so diverse LOL because i look for that mindset more than anything else !

[understandingthevoices]

went on a hinge date and the guy is sooo chill and awesome hes a med student so it was rly surprising tbh haha

we are gonna build the lego flower set together so ya know all my dreams are coming tru!! feel #blessedAF

[understandingthevoices]

holy shittt

I honored neuro

I’m so happy

this is why I focus on academics bc effort directly correlates to results — and it’s predictable !

[understandingthevoices]

yeah being on break and actually having time to think about this particular situation rather than just being on autopilot and relying on old patterns to make decisions ---

i realized i have to respect people's needs and not expect that they are gonna cater to me

like he's in boston literally rn and idt he wants to see me which by all accounts is crazy considering we spent 4 days together but based on his actions, thats the vibe im getting

im not forcing myself or things anymore if he wanted to, he would i havent even texted him, i should get a medal for self-control lolol

!!!!!!!!

and honestly, his loss - im the whole package, and i have no regrets or feel any type of way

like he doesn't owe me anything n vice versa, he made that part clear

[understandingthevoices]

idk why im doing this

probs bc im on break now and have a ton of time but like honestly

we had so much fun and now im looking back and trying to convince myself it was all fake and he actually hates me and couldn't get away fast enough when that obviously was not the case

i hate my ability to cast a negative light on everything

and all because he didn't reply super enthusiastically to my offer to meet him in boston. like why am i SO FKN SENSITIVE LOL

its stupid tho, anything that requires this much thought and analysis and brain-space is not anything healthy

which is why im leaving it/him behind ugh

onto the next

[understandingthevoices]

i think i will gracefully exit his life

i dont think its a good idea to continue this

another one bites the dust (altho idk if i can count this one as another considering our prev history lmao)

[understandingthevoices]

ahh damn it’s not even been a month since we last saw each other but he’s coming to Boston when I’ll be there and I hope we can meet up 😍😏

Honestly I’m just tryna have my cake (him) and eat it too (go out on dates with other guys to find my forever person who is open to a relationship)

but not forcing anything per yooz

what’s meant to be will not miss me

Empowering af

[understandingthevoices]

nah im not done LOL

at the end of the day, although he treated me amazingly and made me feel loved - and i thought it meant something to him, it likely didn't

if you take off the blinders he is just another boy who chose not to commit to me, who accepted that not seeing me ever again was a possibility and was okay with it

oh well

onto the next