#living and loving with repression exhibit a

[you-were-alone-too]

although im LIVING for what seems to be confirmation of gay mike and the fact that the lyrics suggest that he wants will to confess to him first... (see exhibits a and b below)

if we assume that these lyrics are decently accurate to mike's arc in s5, then we'll see mike struggle a lot with communicating his feelings and that he hopes will makes the first move, but i don't think that necessarily means that's how it's going to happen.

mike tries and fails to communicate his true feelings to el multiple times throughout the show, and the few times that he does manage to tell her how he feels are usually based on impulse or because she's on the verge of death (and as we know, they're not necessarily his true feelings).

it's important for mike to be the one to confess to will, not only for his own emotional growth, but also to show the audience that will is the only person that he's able to be his true self with (both platonically and romantically). even though he's been able to successfully express his true feelings to will in the past, he's only been able to do so under the guise of friendship. but any time his feelings could possibly be misconstrued as romantic, we can see him acting similarly toward will like he does el: by pulling away, acting impulsively, or lashing out (like at the airport when he doesn't hug will, or at the roller rink when he says they're just friends. this is probably because mike is worried that treating will in the same way as he's expected to treat his girlfriend could be seem as romantic).

will has already done his part to try and communicate his feelings to mike. although he DID lie by saying the painting is from el, we know that mike is eventually going to realize that will lied, so will's true feelings will still be understood by mike in the end, regardless of will's intention to push him closer to el instead.

this now puts the ball in mike's court, leaving it up to him to be the one that has to confess to will. and i think that these lyrics do a great job of showcasing mike's struggle to communicate his true romantic feelings. he's so used to repressing himself and his interests and tries so hard to be "normal" that he wants someone else that isn't as scared of being different (or at least less scared than him) to do the hard part first.

so i think that mike has to be the one to clearly confess his feelings and put himself out there. this season is going to force him on a journey of emotional growth and self-acceptance. finally, mike is going to be the first one to step out of line and risk it all, even if he thinks he might be rejected. he's going to fully accept himself, not just the fact that he's d&d-loving nerd, but also that he's gay and in love with his best friend

[dekusleftsock]

Y’all reading the newest chapter scans is like whiplash

I forgot how unhinged he can be, and tbh how much more unhinged he’s currently being.

Anyway Izuku is my favorite character so, sorry y’all, I know everyone is excited about Katsuki

However. Everyone else can talk about Katsuki. I live on my scraps.

Love how Shigaraki tries to get a dig at Izuku about Katsuki like how Monoma did when he unlocked blackwhip, so his immediate reaction is diverge diverge diverge.

Talk about repressed but this is a whole new level.

And his eye bags, they just make him look so exhausted.

I said this before but the chapter after Katsuki woke up Izuku looked relieved to me yes, but also… very scared. Very afraid of Katsuki’s well being.

Especially since, if we compare what Katsuki is doing now (using the pain as an extension of his quirk), you could EASILY COMPARE to when Izuku unlocked danger sense with shigaraki. How concerned and afraid Katsuki was in those chapters.

The thing is though, Katsuki was honest. He was honest that Izuku shouldn’t be doing this on his own, he’s being honest now—“I’m Kacchan of the Bakugou’s!��

He knows how he’s feeling and he’s letting himself feel it.

Somehow, Izuku still isn’t.

Hell, when afo ignores Katsuki, what he does is laugh about how much pain he’s in, but that it’s the key.

Let’s compare how Katsuki is using pain to how Izuku is using pain with danger sense. Let us not forget, danger sense is a physically taxing quirk, much like the rest of ofa. It causes a migraine when in any immediate danger.

Idk about y’all, but I get migraines so bad sometimes I vomit from the buildup of pressure. I can’t focus on anything. I just cant really imagine Izuku using danger sense that well in a fight… yet he does.

And, what exactly is danger sense for? To get out of danger? Maybe to avoid the danger? Ofa is an extension of Izuku’s inner turmoil, every single quirk exhibits this, and it would make so. Much. Sense. For danger sense to mimic his avoidance of emotions and vulnerability.

Katsuki’s quirk as it is now uses pain in a very odd way to me—he doesn’t try to use it to exit himself from the danger or pain, but actively searches for it. The pain is the key.

Danger sense is also a relatively self serving quirk, only really useable for himself. And for him to reference danger sense of all his quirks rn, it would make sense since…

Izuku has been self serving and avoidant since before even this fight. Hell, before even the war arc. Maybe this has gone on his entire life.

I want to hit him so bad for this y’all don’t GET IT.

And, just so we all know, he did this in 348 too. When confronted with emotional conversations, his first thought will always be “but how’s the fastest way I can win this fight?”

MY PROOF YALL IM SO DONE WITH THIS DUDE

“You see I have never once thought about hurting the people I care about like that!” Okay maybe be less boring

HM I WONDER WHY

THATS SO CRAZY DEKU

YOU TELL ME

WHY IS THE GIRL WHO YOU REJECTED AND THEN SAID THAT HER WAY OF LOVING IS SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER DO TO OTHER PEOPLE (ALSO IMPLYING JUDGEMENT IN THIS STATEMENT), SAD RIGHT NOW?

LETS USE SOME COMMON SENSE PLEASE

I’m hyped for when Izuku is forced to be honest y’all don’t understand. It’s gonna be an angst fest and it’s gonna be romantic and I literally can’t see it not heading down the “explicitly canonical” path.

[clotpolesonly]

thinking about Declan and the moth again

it HAUNTS ME that the moth is one of the few times that Declan seems to lose his self-awareness completely. like, yeah, he's the ultimate king of repression, but he's usually very conscious of what he's repressing and the fact that he's repressing it. he knows his issues.

he knows that he forces down his emotions in an unhealthy way so that he can be the adult in the room at far too young an age. he knows he can't form healthy relationships because of a lifetime of danger and insecurity. he knows he dehumanized his mother as a means to cope with their batshit family situation. he knows he's competing with his father's ghost for a place in Ronan's life. he knows he resents Matthew for being the primary factor in his parentification and loss of opportunity in life. he knows he loves his father no matter how much he tries to convince himself to hate him. he knows he feels trapped in the life he's leading, doesn't see a way out, and likely wouldn't take it if he did because it would be at the expense of his brothers.

all of these things, Declan acknowledges openly, either to himself in narration or out loud to others. he may delude himself about how well he's coping with his issues, but he has no illusions about what his issues ARE.

except for the fucking moth.

it's such a perfect, on-the-nose symbol that it almost strains credulity for Declan not to acknowledge it as such, and yet not once does he ever look at the moth and feel the way he did about the black string art exhibit that made him recognize how trapped he felt in his life. "how the moth had beaten against the walls for those first few days, until it had learned it could not escape."

the learned helplessness of it - there's no point fighting to get free, just lie down and accept that this is your life. know what you're allowed to do, and have, and be. know what you're not. a creature of his father's making, confined by his father's hand.

and not even something as eye-catching as a butterfly, no, but a quieter subtler moth with eyes like glittering purple-black marbles that will never get to live a life because Niall made it so.

and the symbolic parallel of the display case and the townhouse. the rigid real world structures that Declan himself requested, because they made him feel more secure than being surrounded by dreams, and that his father provided in a well-meaning but ultimately short-sighted attempt to accommodate him. things that Declan only recognizes much later as the cages that they were.

Declan now regrets demanding his dad make the display case by hand, and when he puts himself through Ronan's bad-feeling security system at the end of the series, the memory it hits him with is inheriting the sterile alexandria townhouse that was exactly what he'd claimed to want.

these are symbols of Declan's complicity, in a manner of speaking, in the whole tragic mess that was his upbringing. at some point, quite early on, Declan's oppression became a joint effort, something that he participated in (because a complete lack of control in the situation would have felt worse). it reminds me of Declan struggling to remember which of them first decided to lie to Matthew about what he was, whether that was his dad's idea or if he'd done that of his own volition, just following pattern.

did dad trap him, or did he build the walls himself? or was it both?

but, for once, none of this is acknowledged by Declan in the text. this artistically-minded chronic overthinker carries the moth around with him - one of the two dreams he will never sell, alongside the gift from Ronan - and he stays so uncritically sentimental about it that he releases it on his wedding day with happy/nostalgic tears in his eyes, and it just boggles my mind.

this is the man who looked at a bunch of string and had the immediate revelation that he was utterly miserable and trapped in a spiderweb of a life precariously balanced on a knife's edge where one wrong move could get him and everyone he loved killed, but he looks at a direct, uncomplicated, one-to-one representation of himself and somehow does not recognize that it is not something to think of fondly. that, yes, it may be a symbol of his father's love for him, but it's not good.

[deja-yu]

Autumn nights 3/? Blinding lights - Choi San

Genre: fluff

1.6K

Request: Ateez idol!San x idol!reader where they like each other but don’t know how to confess and are kinda scared bc of their career, but everything works out in the end?

Notes: reader's profession isn't mentioned, and it's lovers at first sight trope, and! I didn't spend too long on the repercussions of rumours/ a dating 'scandal'.

You could never really get used to the bright lights during the press moments. Repressing the unhinged fear in your mind that you were in fact not in the pretty outfit your stylist helped you into earlier and instead a towel. When a smile makes it onto your face at the thought the lights seem to increase to a strobe like level. It wasn’t often you got to attend events with such a wide variety of people, there were fashion editors, singers, actors, whoever managed to impress the hosts enough to be invited. On your way from the red-carpet photo-opt for the press to the entrance of the event, you smile at your fans. When scanning the crowd your eyes land on a picket of Hongjoong, was he also attending? Your heart skips a beat, alone or with the others? With San? Ever since you got invited alongside San to a gameshow you were crushing on him like crazy.

Your mind goes back to how you got paired together as the guest team, playing games together to try and beat the other teams. After shooting the introduction and first couple games you had a break, not being sure how to socialize with everyone you sat alone in your changing room. San had knocked on the open door and came to your side with a sweet smile when you invited him inside, “You want to go have lunch with me?”. Your heart fluttered as you took the hand that he was holding out for him. You had so much fun with him over lunch, being able to connect with him when you didn’t have to worry about your words or actions. The last games had been even more fun, being able to interact with San a lot more comfortable after getting to know him a little. During the games the hosts kept teasing the two of you looked like a couple with how San kept taking care of you. When going through a haunted maze section, he was visibly scared but never let go of your hand or made you go first. After the show both your fans teased that it seemed like love at first sight, but of course there were also negative comments. You had to post to your socials how fun filming was and thanking San for looking out for you throughout the games but add don’t worry guys he is still all yours. You later saw a snippet from a live he did, “oh the show was really fun, me and y/n got along really well! I wish we could meet again without people getting upset” you chuckled at the deadpanned look he sent towards the camera.

Inside the venue was large and you felt your heart sink, you usually had your stylist or assistant with you. But you couldn’t find them between the horde of other staff waiting. After texting back and forth you would just find them later. Taking a breath, you raise your head and square your shoulders, making your way through the event and giving everyone you locked eyes with a friendly smile and wave. There was a party in one hall, and a calmer socializing hall, but you quickly found yourself in the art exhibition. It was a lot calmer and the people you ran into were either there for the same reasons (to recharge a little) or have a scandal worthy make-out session in the adjacent empty rooms. Not that you saw anything, TMZ doesn’t pay you enough to live with the guilt of ruining someone’s life.

“Y/N?” you take your eyes of the art piece in front of you to turn around. Meeting the eyes of a beautifully dressed San. His hair was slicked up and away from his face but one strand was either stubborn or perfectly styled to stick out just right. Butterflies burst in your stomach and you smile while muttering a Hi. He grins at you and strides across the room to meet you. “Thought I saw you! Look at you” he takes a step back and gives you a look over, you jokingly do a little twirl and he lets out ohh and wahh’s to fuel your ego. You grin at him shoving him lightly to shut him up. “How are you?” you question, “I loved your album by the way!” his eyebrows raise but you miss the way his ears turn pink. He stammers for a second before clearing his throat “Did you see the music video?” laughing you say of course! “What did you think of my part?” puppy eyes on you as you fake ponder for a moment. “I’d say it was pretty hot. But I prefer you not all beat up” taking your turn to give him a good look over, “This is more my style” your heart was beating at a ridiculous pace but the few drinks you downed on your way here gave you that little extra confidence. “Yeah?” raising an eyebrow while he smirks.

You both turn to look at the entrance of the room, a group of people slowly coming into the previous empty room. Your heart drops a little and you automatically take a step away from San. When you look up at him, his eyes are already on you but you can’t read his expression. You gasp when he leans in close, whispering in your ear “Tipton hotel, room 325. Let’s have dinner together this time”. He pulls away with a smile “I’ll go find my members now, have a lovely evening Y/N”, giving you a small nod before walking out of the room. As if he didn’t leave goosebumps all over your neck and leave you stunned in silence.  Composing yourself you eventually leave and find your way to the party, socializing some more but you don’t see San anywhere or any of the other ATEEZ members.

You check yourself in the elevator mirror once more, you had changed since you left the party opting for something a little bit more comfortable. You didn’t have the chance to tell San you were staying in the same hotel. Which made it a lot easier because you wondered how he thought you would get into his hotel without the security assuming you were just another crazy fan. You had ordered some fast food and you hoped it was enough, making sure to order for his members too. Not one to make bad first impressions. The hallway was similar to your floor and you felt your hands get sweaty as you made your way to room 325. Standing before the door in silent contemplation before finally knocking on the door. Which proved more difficult with your hands full so you just kicked your foot against the frame. Cringing at the loud thuds. The door opened wordlessly and you were greeting with San already walking back into the room, his words ring clear though “I swear Wooyoung , they might still show up!”, his figure disappears as he turns into the bedroom. And you stand frozen to your spot, glancing down either side of the hallway before taking a step inside. “Why are you not saying anything? Have you run out of jokes?” you jump slightly when San reappears in the small hallway. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise and his mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water “Y/N?”.

“I brought dinner” you hold up the bags, trying to sound casual but the shakiness in your voice is hard to hide. “Oh yes, come in!” It always surprises you how fast he is, taking the bags from your hands and kicking the door shut. Your shaky hands take off your coat and shoes before you follow him into the room. “You got a lot” a small snort comes from him “Oh, yes, because of your members I wanted to make sure it was enough” he hums before turning to you with a sly look “But you came for me right?” rolling your eyes you suck your teeth, “Actually I haven’t told you but Hongjoong is my bias”. He laughs as your words, “You can’t lie to me” sending him a challenging look you decide to tease him so more, “After spending 20 hours in total with me, you can tell when I lie?”. You take a step back when he comes closer, you bump into the bed but manage to catch yourself from falling. Trying to keep your though act up but it was crumbling fast under his eyes.

“I can’t tell. But…” He hesitates for a moment before his hand cups your face. “I am taking my chances” his eyes flicker from your lips to your eyes. “We’ll get in trouble” you whisper and he nods “Yes, but I don’t think I can stay out of trouble when it comes to you. But if you want… I’ll stop” his breath mingles with yours in the small space between you. You want to run away but something about San roots you to your spot. Because ever since you first met, it was like a rope was tied between you, constantly tugging you to him. So you blame that same rope when you find yourself slowly leaning in, lips meeting shortly before you both pull away. And then, with newfound hunger your hands are tugging him closer, his hands finding your waist. Even as you stumble and fall on the bed, his touch never leaves you. Lips finding your neck, your breath heavy as he grunts softly. When he moves back to your face you tangle your hands in his hair, tugging to stop him before kissing you again. “Are you sure?” he nods with a laugh “It can be our secret for now” smiling at his words you nod, releasing your grip so his lips can meet yours again.

[corioheinous]

Can I just say how much I love love love it when a character or a group of characters are haunted by the absence of a person who was once integral to their lives. Especially when the entire narrative is structured around that particular loss like hands down my favorite television shows right now are Fleabag and The Bear which are both Masterful fucking examples of this (Fleabag’s dead best friend, though you could probably make a case for her mother too, and Carmy’s dead brother respectively).

And it’s like. The loss of these loved ones is so inextricable from the characters that survived them to the point where everything they do and say every choice they make whether good or bad is ultimately influenced by their grief. I’m catching up with the current Blue Period arc right now and really enjoying it, mostly bc of the complicated friendship dynamic between Momoyo, Murai, and Hachiro—and the lone piece missing from their friend group—Sanada. Murai’s experience with grief in particular is so fascinating to me because unlike Momoyo and Hachiro, he hasn’t been able to “move on” or cope with his grief in a healthy way. It’s sort of become this unsurmountable weight on his shoulder, this ghost-like presence that looms over his character constantly. When Yatora reflects on his loss in ch. 62, there’s an interesting emphasis placed on Murai’s expression—

—which made me realize just how emotional of a character Murai is through his facial expressions alone. Not necessarily in this chapter, because he’s very much putting on a brave face, but in chapter 64, you practically witness him going through every stage of grief at once. It’s honestly a massive transformation given that he’d been stuck in the “denial” stage for so long.

I think it’s interesting to think of Murai as both a character who is avoidant, repressive, in denial about his own feelings and the reality of the world around him (it’s mentioned also in ch. 64 that Murai didn’t even attend Sanada’s funeral, which is exactly the kind of immature behavior/inability to cope that you would expect from a character like him) WHILE simultaneously being someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. I reckon he forces himself to feel nothing at all out of fear that he’ll feel too much at once, and thus end up causing a scene like he did at Sanada’s posthumous exhibition.

Besides the cool back tat and funky earring, I wasn’t all that compelled by Murai’s character until I read through this chapter and experienced this entire emotional upheaval alongside him. I kind of just had to sit down for a bit after reading the last scene, after Yotasuke’s Murai-san, it’s okay to live your life holding onto that grief forever, isn’t it? comment which is such a bonkers thing to say (/pos) and God. Not to quote The Bear FX here but it really is satisfying to watch a character that you know needs to let it rip just let it rip. That laidback attitude and nonchalant expression of his were never truly the whole of it. I’m really satisfied with the way grief & loss has been framed through Murai, and I’m excited to see what his character becomes as he continues to both carry these feelings inside him and live to grow around them.

[hero-deserves-to-be-happy]

Hero is doomed to be seen as "perfect" by the narrative because Sunny is an unreliable narrator who idolizes him and because Hero, himself, constantly and purposefully hides his struggles.

Since Hero has a more docile personality, doesn't like to be the center of attention, and is terrified of burdening others with his problems, we never really get to have the opportunity in-game to dive into his actual motivations and the depths of his grief and pain that he works incredibly hard to repress and keep hidden from everyone including Sunny (and, by proxy, the player of the game who is following Sunny's point of view).

As a result, we only see what Sunny sees: on the surface, Hero really does appear to be perfect.

More thoughts under the cut. (Warnings: OMORI spoilers and heavy topics including grief, trauma, and guilt)

After several segments of gameplay spent with the idealized "Headspace Hero" who is superhumanly perfect and adored to an almost outlandish degree, it almost feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy that we first meet "Real World Hero" when he jumps into the lake in the Faraway Park to save Basil and Sunny from drowning. Despite the fact that Sunny has already been shown to be an unreliable narrator given the fact that there are some major differences between some of the characters in Headspace and in the Real World (Aubrey especially), it is easy to ignore this when it comes to Hero at first because it is so understandable why Sunny sees him this way.

Hero is selfless, kind, compliant, docile, and generous. He consistently prioritizes the feelings of the other characters around him, is the first to try to understand where Aubrey is coming from (even though she just pushed Basil into a lake), and he doesn't even think twice before jumping into a murky body of water fully-clothed to save his friends. He jumps in (no pun intended) immediately to save the day, and so, naturally, from Sunny's perspective, Hero is still this amazing older brother figure he looked up to in his childhood.

Additionally, from the outside looking in, Hero appears relatively well-adjusted all things considered. He is incredibly successful and accomplished with a room filled with trophies and awards and has just returned from university where he is pursuing a difficult degree in medicine. Even if Sunny is just comparing Hero to himself, he would likely be impressed and amazed by the fact that Hero at least appears to be living his life and achieving so many things while Sunny has been so grief-stricken by the loss of Mari that he could not leave his house or do much of anything for the past four years.

There are some indications that Hero is not doing nearly as well as he seems (i.e. Kel's account of the one (1) fight they had after Mari passed away and the fact that Hero has never visited Mari's gravesite--refusing to visit even as recently as the 2nd day in the Real World), but these are easily overlooked by Sunny because Hero does not seem to exhibit any outward signs of trauma or internal turmoil or distress like Basil or Aubrey. Hero is very good at hiding his pain which means it is difficult for Sunny to see—which makes it difficult for us, who are following Sunny's perspective in the game to see it as well. We only get to see what Hero wants us to see which is, honestly, not much since Hero doesn't like attention.

Hero isn't a perfectionist in the traditional sense, but he wants to appear "perfect" to reassure his loved ones that they don't need to worry about him. Everything about the way Hero presents himself to the world screams, "I'm okay. Please don't worry about me." If he can really appear to be perfect, Hero believes he will never be a burden on anyone. It's all fake adjustment, fake healing, and fake happiness--fabricated because he's terrified of hurting or burdening anyone he loves with his struggles, but it's convincing.

In one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in the game, Hero drops everything to comfort Sunny at Mari's piano in the middle of the night. He does such a good job at supporting Sunny that one could truly believe that Hero really has found healing and made his peace with Mari's death...until Sunny returns through the door to find Hero crying alone. And that's the real Hero: the young man who buries his pain and pushes it aside in attempt to take care of everyone else. No matter how much he may hide his struggles, they're always there under the surface. Hero is always one piano, one visit to Sunny's old house, one mention of Mari away from tears. He just desperately doesn't want anyone to know.

Taking a step back to think about Hero's greatest strengths in this context, also reveals his greatest weaknesses. His selflessness brings with it a fear of burdening others which prevents him from really opening up to anyone. His generosity leads him to struggle setting boundaries. His complacency and easy-going nature can stem from an extreme avoidance to conflict of any kind which, in turn, makes it hard for him to advocate for himself and his own needs and to express his emotions, particularly negative ones.

It suddenly makes sense why the boy who seems to succeed at everything is only "most improved" when it comes to debate. He doesn't debate. He can't. He can't stick up for himself or express his own thoughts, wants, or desires. He will always acquiesce to someone else in order to keep the peace and make them happy, even if it's at his own expense.

Hero will always, always put himself last which causes him to bury his grief, suffering, and trauma so deeply that no one is allowed to see the pain he is actually in. Unfortunately, "no one" includes the game player as well. We get small glimpses of it, but it's so subtle and so buried, that, just like Sunny, it's easy to get caught up in this idea of "perfect Hero" and struggle to understand that there is so much more to him that just that.

[antisocialmastermind]

Chapter 11

Chap 1 Chap 2 Chap 3 Chap 4 Chap 5 Chap 6 Chap 7 Chap 8 Chap 9 Chap 10 on Ao3

Day 11: SONUEGL = lounges

As June unfolds into July, Kurt is a cat in the sunshine. His whole existence is warm and gold-dipped and he feels obscenely grateful and lucky. He doesn’t even mind Elliott’s constant ribbing about how happy he is. Because he is.

The inaugural show at Muse is drawing to its close and has been by all accounts a great success. The gallery is in the black, which is unheard of in these early days. Several artists have asked about exhibiting and there seems to be an ever-increasing stream of patrons with means and enthusiasm. 

Serena Mbali’s name and Rachel Berry’s notoriety have done wonders in a very short time. Serena’s works have sold well, three of Elliott’s paintings have little red stickers on their title cards, and Kurt has sold every piece on the gallery wall. His head spins when he thinks about it.

He’s dropped his Thursday shift at the restaurant entirely, feeling cautiously optimistic that he can get by, now that Elliott’s able to pay him for his gallery shifts. He uses the extra time in the studio, caught in a spiral of inspiration-creation-bliss-inspiration that he’s never experienced before.

And then there’s Blaine.

Kurt’s had his share of relationships, ranging from a couple of one night stands, when the mood was right, to Eric, who lasted a year and a half before his career took him to the West Coast and out of Kurt’s life. But he’s never had anything like this. He’s been utterly swept off his feet. By a lawyer.

On Fridays, they go out. Usually to somewhere fancy that Kurt never dreamed he’d see. They’ve ridden through Central Park in a horse and carriage like tourists and on a gondola while Blaine fed Kurt sugar-dipped strawberries. They’ve had dinner at the Empire State Building and Kochi and seen Broadway shows and Kurt’s first opera at the Met.

It was awkward at first. He was uncomfortable with the ostentation and wealth that seems entirely unremarkable to Blaine. But Blaine never seems like he’s preening or bragging or even concerned. He does things because he wants to and he can , and Kurt just needs to relax. He feels pampered and adored and giddy with it.

On Saturdays, Kurt lounges in Blaine’s bed for as long as he can before heading to Muse for the day. They lie there and talk lazily about nothing and everything, kissing and giggling and dreaming. They take turns making each other breakfast or dance around each other in the kitchen as they cook together.

And of course, between Friday nights and Saturday mornings, they fuck. Heated and intense and gentle and nuanced, loving and frenzied. It’s pure ecstasy and Kurt can’t get enough.

****

He feels stupid talking to Elliott. Like he’s a kid or naive or both. But if he doesn’t get out of his own head and get some perspective, he’s going to explode. Or eat an entire cheesecake. Or something. They’re in the living room drinking wine when Kurt brings it up.

“Do you think I need to ask Blaine if we’re exclusive?”

Elliott looks mildly confused when he replies, “Why are you asking me?”

“I don’t know,” Kurt sighs. “I don’t trust myself? Like, what if I ask and he’s insulted that I even had to ask, because of course we are. Or what if I don’t ask so he assumes I don’t want to be? Or what if he just laughs at me because I’m making a big thing out of nothing –”

“Kurt,” Elliott interrupts gently, ‘does it feel like nothing?”

“No,” Kurt tells him. “It kind of feels like everything.”

Elliott’s lips tighten into a tiny, repressed smile. “You need to talk to him,” he prods. 

“I know,” Kurt groans. “I know I do. But I just … I don’t wanna jinx it. It’s been so perfect I just don’t want to make waves, you know? I’m ridiculous.”

“You love him?” Elliott’s voice is quiet and his eyes are intent on Kurt’s face.

“I don’t,” Kurt replies. “Not fully. Not yet. But I’m starting to. Or I could. But sometimes it feels like he has all the power and that’s �� Oh my god, never mind.”

“Kurt, that’s not okay.” Elliott suddenly looks concerned. “You guys need to be on equal footing if a relationship is going to work. You can’t be feeling less than. And he can’t be in charge all the time. That’s not right.”

“Oh god, no.” Kurt rushes to reassure him. “It’s just me. My head. It’s not anything he’s doing. I guess I just feel… inferior sometimes. Because he’s able to give me so much. And I can’t give him anything.”

Elliott’s eyebrows shoot upward and his face is earnest when he says, “Kurt, I’m pretty sure you’re giving him something he wants. He’s still here, isn’t he?”

“Was that a sex joke?” Kurt asks.

“It really wasn’t,” Elliott says, in that plainly honest way he has. “I mean, if you’re being truthful that he’s not lording it over you or anything, then it sounds like you just need to come to terms with the fact that you’ve got yourself a boyfriend who can spoil you if he wants to.”

“Is he my boyfriend, though?” Kurt whines.

And now Elliott does laugh. “Oh my god, Kurt. Talk to him.”

****

Kurt doesn’t talk to him. The timing hasn’t been right. He will. He’s going to, but right now Kurt’s still waiting tables and making art and helping Elliott change over the show in the gallery.

Several of the pieces from the first show, including all of Kurt’s except one, were sold online to anonymous collectors. In the sales records for each of them is a note reading, ‘ agent will call ,’ so those need to be packed up. 

Elliott’s unsold pieces will stay. He’s the gallery owner and it’s a good conversation starter to have some of his own work on display. But they move it further back.

The modular walls are moved into a new configuration and artists for the next show are coming in to hang their work. Posters and fliers and press releases are designed and typed. Kurt feels like a professional artist for maybe the first time in his life. It’s a strange, wonderful, giddy feeling.

Blaine sends him flowers. Or has lunch delivered for both him and Elliott. Or texts let me know the minute you're free, and Kurt is just over the moon with how perfect his life feels right now.

Which is why it’s such a dizzying fall when it all goes wrong.

Chapter 12

[marisol-000]

Soul Splitter

Happy Halloween Glass Scientist fans!!!!!

Whew! I originally made this for Maijabi in Lodgtember but didn't finish in time, I decided Halloween would be a good time for it!

(a03)

The ghosts have been in a stir the past few weeks.

They probably saw something they shouldn't have, that tends to happen with ghosts.

Normally it's something they would take to their proverbial grave, but now that they had established (semi-)reliable means of communication with the dead; it was something they took straight to Dr. Maijabi.

If he had been more gossip-minded like the other lodgers, the living world would never know peace again.

Spirits are rather nosy, they don't typically care for or against the living, but semi corporeal beings often find themselves low on choices for entertainment.

The things he’s heard about the lodger’s alone would make a practiced nun run for the hills. Though he and most of the usual haunts had discussions about it, and they'd respect if anyone stopped by to ask for privacy.

They even traveled around the town a bit, lately they'd been 'chatting’ about a soulless homunculi entering London. Something stitched and green…

Hmm, hopefully it wouldn't scare the townspeople from the exhibition.

It may be a (figuratively) soulless circus but it was theirs dammit.

Though, this 'stitched homunculi’ got him thinking.

Hadn't there been some scientist who tried that? A disgraced madman who stitched together man and beast to create monsters.

Splitting and sewing disparate creatures like that, Maijabi wondered what the soul of such a tortured being would look like.

Oh well, he was long gone by now, chased off some years ago by frightened citizens and not likely to come back without reason. No, the poor spooks were simply talking nonsense again, that's all.

“Oh! I see! It's a sort of ectoplasm!” Lavender gasped.

As much as Dr. Maijabi appreciated some nice and quiet, it was equally nice to share a cup of tea with the others. In this case Lavender and Archer, who had opted for coffee.

“Aye.” he nodded, sipping his glengettie tea, “Distilled ectoplasm with a bit of preservatives in it. A ghost version of endoplasmic reticulum, commonly known as ‘Ghosts blood’.”

“Hmm…that’s what gives cells energy right?” Archer guessed, hanging a leg over the arm of his chair, 

“Does newbie need the extra energy to repress his wolf side then?”

“No, in this case it’s for a potion.” Maijabi thumped his hand on an old leather bound book in his lap.

“In alchemy ‘blood’ represents the struggle of self towards its manifestation, along with the other ingredients it will maintain Jasper’s true form, his human one.”

“Wow, I can’t believe ectoplasm of all things is what cures lycanthropy. How did anyone ever figure that out?” Lavender mused.

“Among other things. And the same way we do Miss Lavender, study the world around us and try new things.” he said wisely.

“Ha! You mean drink random stuff until something happens!” Archer laughed.

“That too.”

The scientist's laughed and chatted amiably, until Lavender realized a few too many ghosts were darting around, nervous expressions on their faces.

“Er, forgive me if this is an odd question… but is something wrong with the ghosts?”

Maijabi hummed into his tea. “Aye, they're worried about something.”

“Worried?” Lavender blinked, “Whatever for?”

“What do ghosts even worry about? Aren't they, you know, dead?” Archer asked.

Lavender smacked his leg. “Archer, that's rude.”

Maijabi chuckled.

“Not much, there’s other ghosts and spirits. There's certain cthulian beings, but they ain’t gone into your and Cantilupe’s lab since ‘the incident’. 

Sometimes those with memories worry about their loved ones, though those would rather stay with them than linger ‘round this place.”

“Huh, do you think it’s another ghost then? Or something living?” Archer asked.

“Ha! The dead aren't too worried about the living, all those ‘exorcists’ on the streets are bloody fakes. They'll move on when they're good and ready.” he assured them.

“They probably just snuck somewhere they agreed not to and don't want me to find out about it.”

The two lodgers' eyes lit up, and both leaned in.

“Oh?” Archer practically purred, “Some hot gossip then?”

Maijabi laughed loudly. Yes, spending time with the others was easily as nice as spending time alone.

Dr. Maijabi checked on a large beaker of tin-mercury, occasionally giving it a stir. 

At the moment he was attempting to make more seeing mirrors. One could never have enough when working with the undead after all!

Especially when Mr. Hyde regularly got drunk and fought his own reflection.

It was about time for him to be out actually. He’d been yammering on about Blackfog for weeks.

Maijabi smiled, adding the distilled ectoplasm.

He didn't believe the lodger's rumors that he and Dr. Jekyll were together of course, but privately he was glad Jekyll had someone like that in his life. The boy could use that passion when his was constantly being sucked out by those rich idiots.

Hyde had quite the future ahead of him, so long as he stayed far away from Maijabi’s lab.

The distant sound of footsteps didnt even register in his mind until it was preceded by a sudden flood of ghosts.

The rasping whispers and choked cries scraping against Maijabi’s ears.

Hes coming hes coming hes coming

Soul splitter soul splitter

Hes coming

Run!!

Soul splitter

Instantly the spirits already in the room scattered. 

Weaving to and fro and even leaving the room entirely, choosing instead to flee through the solid walls of the building.

A particularly present spirit rushed right through him. Causing Maijabi to stumble back into the beaker. Splattering the thankfully room temperature mixture everywhere.

Maijabi gasped in surprise and at the cold. Clutching at his chest for warmth and the table for balance.

What was going on?! None of the spirits had ever reacted like this before!

Was there an intruder? Were they under attack?

Some ghost stayed in the room with Maijabi, either huddling behind him or swaying apathetically; still more watched the door intently, curious.

Was… there someone at the door?

Footsteps.

Maijabi could hear footsteps coming towards him, walking, walking, slowing. 

There was someone right outside his door.

Knock

Knock

Knock

…

Knock

Knock

Knock

Surely an attacker wouldn't knock. What would they even be here for?

More likely it was another lodger here to get him for a surprise meeting of some sort.

Maijabi shook himself, parting from the unintentional huddle. He shuffled to the door of the lab, reaching a shaking hand to the cold metal.

He felt slight chills as the spirits tried to hold him back, hands fading through his body.

Breathing deeply, he opened the door.

Dr. Maijabi let out a whoosh of air he was holding in.

“Oh! It's just you.”

“Sorry, did I startle you? I was passing by and heard a crash .”

“Ha, not at all, you know how it is with these spooks about. Always got me on edge.” 

Dr. Maijabi gestured to the mess of glass and mercury. “They riled each other up and knocked over my solution is all.”

“Ah, well that's good to hear. The ghosts, not about the solution. 

Well, if all is well I won't bother you any longer. I'm just heading home for the night to rest.”

“Ha, you sure need it! Sleep well Dr. Jekyll.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pranked! Bet you thought I was talking about Moraue ;p

Personally I think living spirits would be HORRIFIED by the realization that something/someone is capable of splitting souls

How would that even affect ghosts? Could that affect ghosts?

Idk I just think theyd at least be weirded out by Jekyll's experiments

Especially after being dead for a while and secure in the knowledge that nothing can ever hurt you again, then suddenly overseeing the most horrific form of physical mental and spiritual torture ever

Also I love how Maijabi proved the existence of souls and spirits and ghosts and has a ton just in his room and no one cares

NEVER relevant to the comic after the beginning ToT

[misstallulah]

The Sacrifice of Love: Beyond Memory and Identity

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

In the context of a narrative rich in symbolism and meaning, such as that of Good Omens, a suggestive and purely theoretical interpretation emerges: what if Maggie and Nina were an ex-angel and an ex-demon? Imagining them as supernatural lovers who sacrifice their divine and demonic origins to live a love in human fragility opens the door to a profound reflection on the themes of sacrifice, memory, and identity. Without memory of their supernatural past, the two would be drawn to each other by an invisible bond, surviving the loss of powers and origins. This bond, while lacking conscious memory, manifests itself through an intense and irresistible emotional connection, like two souls destined to meet.

It is fascinating to think that even the protagonists Crowley and Aziraphale might one day decide to live as ordinary human beings, freeing themselves from celestial and infernal duties. This analysis focuses on a hypothesis that invites symbolic and theological reflections, enriching the vision of Maggie and Nina as figures who embody love and sacrifice in a mythological and spiritual dimension. Their story becomes a narrative of search and discovery, in which the absence of memory is not an obstacle but an opportunity to explore and build a new identity together.

The Sacrifice of Maggie and Nina: Renouncing Divinity to Live Love as Humans

Maggie and Nina, when considered under the hypothesis of being an angel and a demon, represent rebellious love and sacrifice. In the supernatural system of Heaven and Hell, any romantic bond between divine and demonic beings is unacceptable and punishable. However, this theory assumes that Maggie and Nina have voluntarily chosen to deprive themselves of their supernatural nature to embrace humanity. This act of self-emptying, or “kenosis,” is a Christian theological concept found in Philippians 2:7, where Christ renounces His divinity to incarnate as a man. The kenosis of Maggie and Nina would symbolize a profound act of love, akin to that of Christ, demonstrating that the choice to abandon power can be a gesture of great humanity.

The connection between Maggie and Nina could be viewed as a spiritual residue of a love that transcends the barriers of time and awareness. Although lacking conscious memory, their bond becomes a symbolic manifestation of the "memory of the soul"—a calling beyond the material world and divine constraints. This memory is not merely a recollection but a deep intuition of love that renders their attraction inexplicable and inevitable.

The Story of Anna Milton in Supernatural: The Angel Who Chose Human Life

Anna Milton, an angel created by God before the birth of humanity, is a striking example of how the choice to live as a human can express the desire for a deeper connection with the emotions and experiences of mortal life. In the series Supernatural, Anna served as the superior of angels Castiel and Uriel, and she was particularly close to Castiel. However, her long observation of humankind led her to develop a deep love for earthly life, desiring concrete experiences such as chocolate and sex, and coming to believe that angels lacked genuine emotions.

To live a fully human life, in March 1985, Anna painfully renounced her grace, a painful process. Anna and her grace fell to Earth separately, appearing to humans as meteorites. This fall can be seen as an act of liberation, allowing her to discover the power and beauty of human experiences.

Reborn as Anna Milton, daughter of Richard and Amy Milton, she found herself fully human. However, from childhood, Anna exhibited a deep unease and some confused memories of her angelic life, so much so that her parents had to take her to a child psychologist. Over time, Anna gradually repressed the memories of her angelic existence, convincing herself that she was simply human. However, the influence of her angelic origin manifested again in 2008, when she began to hear the voices of angels. This crisis led her to a psychiatric hospital, where she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, demonstrating how repressed memories can resurface in unexpected and destabilizing ways.

Connection with Maggie and Nina: Human Life as a Conscious Sacrifice

The story of Anna Milton offers an interesting parallel to the speculative theory about Maggie and Nina. If Maggie and Nina also voluntarily chose to abandon a presumed supernatural nature to live as humans, they might carry traces of that bond and those memories, just like Anna. Anna's choice to renounce her angelic state to experience the authenticity of human emotions becomes a powerful metaphor for sacrifice and love, allowing us to imagine Maggie and Nina as figures who, for love, might have given up their divine or demonic past.

In this view, the sacrifice of Maggie and Nina does not negate their identity but rather allows them to discover a more authentic form of themselves, liberated from the divine structures that separate them. Like Anna, who, while human, experienced inner conflicts related to her angelic identity, Maggie and Nina might also live through a similar tension. Their mutual attraction, without an apparent cause, becomes an echo of the soul, an invisible thread that unites them beyond awareness.

Memory and Attraction: A Love Amnesia as a Call of the Soul

In Christian theological analysis, memory is crucial for identity and consciousness, as suggested by Saint Augustine in his Confessions, where he describes memory as a "house of the soul." If Maggie and Nina were truly an ex-angel and an ex-demon, their choice to abandon their supernatural identity could embody a total emptying of their essence, allowing them to experience love within a human context. Their mutual attraction would thus be a manifestation of divine love, reflecting the concept of "unity" expressed in Matthew 19:6: "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

The bond between Maggie and Nina stands as a symbol of love that persists beyond the limits imposed by consciousness and memory. Even in this interpretation, their union seems to survive as an attraction that exists beyond any material bond. In this context, the themes of amnesia and memory evoke profound questions about identity and the meaning of love.

The Fall as an Act of Liberation: A Love that Redefines Identity

In biblical tradition, the fall of Lucifer represents not only rebellion and separation from God but also the complex theme of freedom. Imagining Nina as an angel, her path of descent could embody a rebellion with a profound purpose: the possibility of living a human love. During the great war between angels and demons, Nina, driven by her love for Maggie, decides to renounce her grace to join her, aware that an angel and a demon cannot coexist in harmony. Her “descent” becomes, in this scenario, a conscious choice for love, transforming her angelic identity into that of a demon.

On the other hand, Maggie, who does not rebel and maintains her position among the angels, experiences inner conflict: she yearns for Nina but knows that their union is impossible according to heavenly laws. For love, she decides to sacrifice her grace and descend from her angelic status, embracing human fragility to be with Nina. This decision would represent a symbolic inversion: the fall as an act of liberation rather than damnation, an act that allows her to discover the power of love that transcends both divinity and demonhood.

Gabriel and Beelzebub: The Choice to Remember and to Love In Good Omens 2, the relationship between Gabriel and Beelzebub presents a compelling narrative arc that explores the complexities of love beyond memory and identity. When Gabriel loses his memories, he finds himself in a world that feels both alien and familiar, yet it is his encounter with Beelzebub that awakens something deep within him. Their connection, rooted in an ineffable bond, transcends the usual constraints of awareness and the norms dictated by their celestial and infernal origins.

This love story unfolds in a unique way: while Gabriel initially does not remember his past or the nature of his relationship with Beelzebub, the very act of seeking her out reveals an intrinsic desire to reconnect. This longing illustrates that love can flourish even in the absence of conscious recognition. It becomes a universal force that binds them, hinting at the idea that true affection does not solely rely on memories or experiences but can also emerge from a deep-seated instinct to be with one another.

The symbolic gift of the fly that Beelzebub gives to Gabriel serves as a profound metaphor for their relationship. This seemingly simple gesture carries immense weight, suggesting that love can manifest in small, significant ways, even when individuals are not fully aware of its origins. The fly, a creature often associated with transformation and rebirth, represents the threads of their connection that continue to bind them together, even in the face of forgetfulness. It is a tangible sign that love has its own path, one that transcends conscious choice and societal expectations.

As Gabriel regains his memory, the dynamics of their relationship shift. Unlike Maggie and Nina, whose love is grounded in the exploration of identity without the baggage of their pasts, Gabriel and Beelzebub's love matures into a conscious decision to embrace one another despite the implications of their respective roles in the cosmic order. Their choice to stay together, to defy the expectations of Heaven and Hell, becomes a bold act of rebellion. In a world where angels and demons are typically seen as adversaries, Gabriel and Beelzebub’s union stands as a testament to the power of love to subvert traditional narratives.

This choice embodies a deeper message: it illustrates that love is not merely an emotion but an active commitment to one another. It is a decision to prioritize their relationship over the dictates of a predetermined hierarchy. By choosing each other, Gabriel and Beelzebub assert their agency, creating a new narrative that values personal connection over celestial duty.

In this light, their story becomes a rich tapestry that weaves together themes of love, identity, and rebellion against cosmic norms. Gabriel and Beelzebub emerge as champions of a love that is courageous, resilient, and above all, human in its essence—demonstrating that even beings created from light and darkness can find common ground in the embrace of love.

Conclusion: Love as a Power that Breaks Down Barriers

In conclusion, the speculation about the identities of Maggie and Nina as an ex-angel and an ex-demon offers a fascinating interpretation that invites reflection on love and sacrifice. Their story symbolizes hope and resilience, showing that love can break down the barriers of identity and memory. Just as Anna Milton chose to live humanely in search of the profound meaning of existence, Maggie and Nina—despite lacking memory of their past—would demonstrate the power of love, allowing their souls to shine in a new identity.

The idea of love existing beyond awareness and memory becomes a celebration of life and human relationships. Through their union, Maggie and Nina might illustrate that even in the absence of memories, love has the capacity to fill voids and provide deep meaning to existence, transcending time and origins. The narrative of Maggie and Nina's love thus transforms into a tale of exploration and acceptance, resonating in the hearts of all who seek an authentic connection, even amidst the chaos and confusion of life.

Imagining a future where Aziraphale and Crowley, after thwarting the second Armageddon and the Second Coming, choose a similar path allows us to glimpse an even deeper narrative. The Second Coming, in Christian tradition, refers to the return of Christ to Earth, a moment of great apocalyptic significance and transformation. After facing such catastrophe, Aziraphale and Crowley might opt to relinquish their roles as an angel and a demon, abandoning their memories and divine essence to live as humans.

This choice, distant from their celestial nature, would enable them to build a life together, free from the pressures and expectations imposed by their respective worlds. Even stripped of memories and their supernatural identities, their bond would be stronger—a natural and irresistible call to reunite. The connection between Aziraphale and Crowley, rooted in love that transcends divisions and categories, could guide them toward a new existence where, like Maggie and Nina, they would discover that love can exist and flourish beyond memories and origins.

Similarly, the relationship between Gabriel and Beelzebub could evolve in this context. After experiencing quiet, gentle, and romantic moments together, both Gabriel and Beelzebub, deeply influenced by their bond, might also choose to give up their roles in the Great Plan, opting to live as humans. Free from the expectations and conflicts between Heaven and Hell, they would have the opportunity to discover the beauty of love in its purest form.

Imagine Gabriel, with his affectionate and caring nature, and Beelzebub, with her strong yet sensitive disposition, embarking together on a human life, reconstructing their identities in a context that celebrates their relationship. They could become symbols of unity and acceptance, demonstrating that love can overcome any barrier, even those imposed by a long history of rivalry.

Their story, parallel to that of Aziraphale and Crowley, could emphasize the power of the bond formed when two souls choose one another, transcending every conflict and their divine essence. In this scenario, both Aziraphale and Crowley, as well as Gabriel and Beelzebub, would become emblems of eternal love that, even in the void of memory, continues to shine as a guiding light.

Their narrative would represent a powerful message of acceptance and personal growth, demonstrating that love, in all its forms, has the ability to transform and give meaning to life, making the world a brighter and more hopeful place.

And as Buddy Holly said: 'Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer, Goin' faster than a roller coaster. Love like yours will surely come my way.'

[ancientcraftnoccultism]

Beginner Class - Shadow Work 101

Ancient Craft & Occultism

Shadow Work 101

___

By KB

Introduction

Hello again, everyone! Welcome back to class ♡ Now that we've gone over in more detail about our personal energy - let's discuss something that is often forced upon beginner's, especially within New Age circles. You guessed it, shadow work. First and foremost, shadow work is not mandatory in order for you to be a practitioner or a witch. Let's take a closer look into this term.

What Is Shadow Work?

In essence, shadow work is a type of emotional therapy. Traumatic events in our lives inevitably leave us with emotional scars. As a result, we frequently try to repress these feelings since they make us feel uneasy, apprehensive, and panicked. Every time these emotions are provoked, we push them to the back of our minds as a type of emotional self-defense. The issue with this coping method is that by keeping our trauma hidden, we are not healing from it; instead, it simmers inside of us and will eventually appear physically. Numerous things, such as physical disease, worry, panic attacks, mental illnesses, and self-harm, might manifest this.

The term "shadow" was initially used by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung to refer to those facets of our personalities that we actively choose to suppress and reject. We all have aspects of ourselves that we don't like for various reasons, or that we believe society won't like, so we push those aspects down into our unconscious psyches. Jung referred to this group of suppressed facets of our personality as our shadow self.

“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.” - Carl Jung 1951

What Is The Shadow?

The shadow is made up of everything we reject about ourselves, including everything we consider to be bad, evil, or unacceptable. This dark side is everything that conflicts with our conscious attitude that we have decided about ourselves. The disowned self is the individual shadow. This shadow self stands in for the aspects of ourselves that we no longer identify as being our own, including our innate virtues.

These unexplored or rejected facets of our personalities remain. We try to cast them out by denying them, but we are unable to do so. They are a part of our unconscious that we suppress. Consider whatever we are not aware of as belonging to our unconscious. The shadow won't go away. It remains with us as our dark sibling. When we fail to recognize it, trouble results. For sure, it is standing just behind us at that point.

Every young child is aware of compassion, kindness, and love, but he also exhibits rage, egotism, and avarice. These feelings are a component of our common humanity. But something changes as we mature. The characteristics of "being good" are accepted, whilst the characteristics of "being bad" are disapproved of. All humans have fundamental necessities. These needs include those for physical well-being, security and safety, and belonging. These innate and biological demands must be met.

When we were kids, our surroundings gave us cues when we displayed certain aspects of ourselves. Perhaps we had a tantrum out of rage. After the incident, our parents chastised us and sent us to our room. Or perhaps in our first-grade classroom, we were brave, lively, impromptu, or silly. In front of the class, our teacher called us to task for acting impolitely and ordered us to sit down. Every time that happened—and it may have happened frequently—it put one of our fundamental requirements in danger. We learned to adapt to the outside world and changed our conduct to suit our needs. In the first 20 years of our lives, all of the aspects of us that have been rejected or discouraged are collected and hidden.

Can I Just Ignore My Shadow?

Sure, you can, but only at your own risk. I’m sure you’re familiar with the story of Dr. Jeckell & Mr. Hyde… not only that, it causes our perception of reality to be distorted. We recognize in others the qualities we reject in ourselves. Psychologists refer to this as projection. Everything we buried within us, we project onto others. It's a safe probability that you haven't acknowledged your own rudeness if, for instance, you become annoyed when someone is disrespectful to you. This does not imply that they are not being impolite to you. But you wouldn't mind someone else being rude as much if rudeness wasn't in your shadow self.

This procedure doesn't involve conscious thought. Our predictions are unknown to us. This defense mechanism is used by our egos to protect how they see themselves. We are prevented from engaging with our shadow by our false identities as "good" people. These psychological projections skew reality, separating how we perceive ourselves from how we act in the world.

Benefits of Shadow Work

Who appreciates being honest about their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, nasty behavior, hatred, etc.? It is more pleasurable and affirming to concentrate on our strengths. However, exploring our shadow side offers us a ton of chances for improvement. Let's look at a few ways that this work can be useful to us.

Better Personal Relationships

You have a clearer understanding of yourself when you embrace your darker side and come to terms with it. You develop into a more solid, complete person. It is simpler to tolerate the shadow in people when you can accept your own darker sides. As a result, you won't be as easily triggered by other people's actions. You'll also find it simpler to interact with other people.

Clear Perception

You'll have a clearer lens through which to perceive the world if you accept everyone as they are, including yourself. You're becoming closer to your actual self as you integrate your shadow self, which helps you make a more accurate judgment of who you are. You won't think of yourself as being excessively large or little. You can more effectively gauge your environment when you are self-aware.

Better Health

It is exhausting to drag this unseen bag of things behind us. Repressing and suppressing all the aspects of ourselves that we don't want to confront as adults is tough effort. The unstudied life can be plagued with fatigue and sluggishness. Physical discomfort and disease can also result from mental suppression. With Jungian shadow work, you can unknowingly release a huge reserve of energy that you were using to defend yourself. Your physical, mental, and emotional well-being can all be enhanced by this. You can become more balanced and develop inner strength through shadow work, which will prepare you for life's obstacles.

Unleash Creativity

Jungian shadow work enhances your creative potential, which is one of its major advantages. According to psychologists like Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers, creativity occurs spontaneously in those who are psychologically well (integrated).

Tips for Beginning

Shadow work can be very intimidating for a lot of us. We don't want to have to reopen old wounds in order to allow then to heal properly. However, there are some ways to make this process a bit easier.

Centering Yourself

Perhaps the most crucial action to take before beginning a shadow job is this. Yet, working with the shadow is seldom ever acknowledged in literature. You won't get useful results if you try to understand your shadow self while you're not grounded in your Self. The shadow stands for a collection of numerous elements that are concealed within your psyche. You can only learn about these areas by starting from your center. One of these components will take control of the process if it is "blended" with you. You'll be judgmental, harsh, or perplexed. Your capacity to integrate your shadow will be hampered by this. Be a peaceful, clear, and neutral area before you start working with your shadow.

Be Kind To Yourself

It is beneficial to develop an unconditional sense of friendship with oneself before getting to know your shadow. Its name in Buddhism is Maitri. To examine our darker aspects requires friendship and self-compassion, which can be challenging. It is challenging to face your shadow if you are harsh on yourself when you err. If you frequently experience guilt or shame, you must learn to transform these feelings into friendliness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. Begin by acknowledging your own humanity. Keep in mind that we are all shadows in each other's soup, as Jung used to say.

Be Courageous & Honest

Shadow work requires integrity and self-honesty. It's simple to give lip service to these virtues, but real self-honesty requires being open to recognizing our negative traits in our actions and personalities. The ego spends a lot of energy suppressing your disowned portions since it is frequently uncomfortable to do so. It can be difficult to acknowledge and embrace your oppressive bad aspects and insecure selfishness. It takes bravery to examine your attitudes, behaviors, troubled ideas, and negative feelings.

Keep a Record

The desire of some of our disowned portions to remain hidden from view fascinates me. Our disowned portions can elude us, much like how a dream might vanish from memory right after you wake up. A cure is to keep a writing notebook where you can chronicle your self-discoveries. It is easier to encode the discovery into your awareness when you write down your insights and review them afterwards.

Beginning Shadow Work

Discover False Beliefs

We typically aren't aware that we are suppressing anything when we learn to hide some aspects of ourselves from others in order to please our parents, blend in with our friends, or perform well in school. We simply believe that we are being nice, useful humans. Then something sets us off.

Honor Your Feelings

Your emotions serve as a warning system for any subconsciously held resistance, myths, or emotional scars. It's critical to identify these emotions because, like to your automobile issue, subconscious problems may prevent spells from working. Never suppress your feelings or blame yourself for having them. That will simply deepen your emotional traumas and erroneous notions in your subconscious and make you feel worse.

Heal

Your pain can be healed now that you've found its source. Don't forget that the goal isn't to control your emotions. Your feelings are your subconscious trying to tell you something, and these messages are important! Changing your tale to something more positive can allow you to manage your reactions.

[ckerouac]

Too many books came in at the same time from my library queue, so @redheadgleek suggests a poll and yes, let’s poll! Y’all can see my… varied reading interests lol

What should I read next?

Daughter from the Dark: Late one night, fate brings together DJ Aspirin and ten-year-old Alyona. After he tries to save her from imminent danger, she ends up at his apartment. But in the morning sinister doubts set in. Who is Alyona? A young con artist? A plant for a nefarious blackmailer? Or perhaps a long-lost daughter Aspirin never knew existed? Whoever this mysterious girl is, she now refuses to leave.

The Brilliant Life of Eudora Honeysett: Wanting to organize an assisted death on her own terms, world-weary octogenarian Eudora Honeysett forges an unexpected bond with exuberant ten-year-old Rose, who drags her to tea parties, shopping sprees, and other social excursions.

Flesh and Bone and Water: André is a listless Brazilian teenager and the son of a successful plastic surgeon who lives a life of wealth and privilege, shuttling between the hot sands of Ipanema beach and his family's luxurious penthouse apartment. In 1985, when he is just 16, André's mother is killed in a car accident. Clouded with grief, André's father loses himself in his work while André spends his evenings in the family apartment with Luana, the beautiful daughter of the family's maid. Three decades later, and now a successful surgeon himself, André is a middle-aged father, living in London, and recently separated. One day he receives an unexpected letter from Luana, which begins to reveal the other side of their story, a story André has long repressed.

Geek Love: The Binewskis are a carny family whose mater- and paterfamilias set out-- with the help of amphetamine, arsenic, and radioisotopes-- to breed their own exhibit of human oddities. There is Arturo the Aquaboy, who has flippers for limbs and a megalomaniac ambition worthy of Genghis Khan. Iphy and Elly, the lissome Siamese twins. Albino hunchback Oly. And the outwardly normal Chick, whose mysterious gifts make him the family's most precious-- and dangerous-- asset. As they set out across the U.S., family values will never be the same.

Same Bed Different Dreams: March 1919. Far-flung Korean patriots establish the Korean Provisional Government to protest the Japanese occupation of their country. This government-in-exile proves mostly symbolic, its petitions ignored by heads of state as Korea's nationhood is erased. After Japan's defeat in World War II, the KPG dissolves and civil war erupts, resulting in the North-South split that remains today. But what if the KPG still existed now, today-working toward a unified Korea, secretly harnessing the might of a giant tech company to further its aims?

Unholy: why white evangelicals worship at the altar of Donald Trump: Fueled by an anti-democratic impulse, and united by this narrative of reverse victimization, the religious right and the alt-right support a common agenda--and are actively using the erosion of democratic norms to roll back civil rights advances, stock the judiciary with hard-right judges, defang and deregulate federal agencies, and undermine the credibility of the free press. Increasingly, this formidable bloc is also forging ties with European far right groups, giving momentum to a truly global movement forecasted to last long after the Trump era.

Comemadre: In the outskirts of Buenos Aires in 1907, a doctor becomes involved in a misguided experiment that investigates the threshold between life and death. One hundred years later, a celebrated artist goes to extremes in search of aesthetic transformation, turning himself into an art object.

I Who Have Never Known Men: A young woman is kept in a cage underground with thirty-nine other females, guarded by armed men who never speak; her crimes unremembered... if indeed there were crimes.

Road of Bones: Kolyma Highway, otherwise known as the Road of Bones, is a 1200 mile stretch of Siberian road where winter temperatures can drop as low as sixty degrees below zero. Felix Teigland, or "Teig," is a documentary producer, and when he learns about the Road of Bones, he realizes he's stumbled upon untapped potential. Accompanied by his camera operator, Teig hires a local Yakut guide to take them to Oymyakon, the coldest settlement on Earth. Teig is fascinated by the culture along the Road of Bones, and encounters strange characters on the way to the Oymyakon, but when the team arrives, they find the village mysteriously abandoned apart from a mysterious nine-year-old girl. Then, chaos ensues.

[remyfire]

U write like a repressed christian housewife who has unfulfilled sex

Hey there!

I'm really sorry I haven't been giving you the attention you've been lusting for over the past three months of you attempting to harass me under, what are we up to now, four different accounts? Five? More than that? But frankly nothing you've tried to insult me with has been very interesting—including the other ask you sent four hours ago almost on the dot.

I understand how upsetting it can be when the person you're trying to make angry is neither affected by your words or giving you the time of day, so I'd like to recommend that you pick up a new hobby instead of trying to get a rise out of people. Cross-stitching is a really satisfying endeavor. There's some incredible small businesses you can support if you take up something like watercolor painting. Volunteering at an animal shelter might give you a degree of personal fulfillment.

But at the end of the day, I know you're lonely. I know you're upset because you feel like your writing is underappreciated. I know you're sad due to a lack of community. But at some point, I really hope you can begin to understand that the only way you're going to form a community of people who love, support, and cherish you is by exhibiting kindness and interest in their lives, passions, and work rather than sending asks ranging from childish insults to violent suicide bait.

I'm hoping things improve for you. When you're ready to get started on working through the things you've said and done to people, it's gonna suck initially. There's nothing particularly fun about looking at your face in the mirror and accepting that you've enthusiastically, gleefully decided to be the villain in the lives of many, many people rather than taking those uncomfortable feelings of envy and depression and anger and learning appropriate coping strategies to help them pass through you instead of letting them become a weapon in your hand. But I do hope that when that day comes, you will have found someone who wants to let you lean on them rather than letting your own behavior continue to alienate you from not only your fandoms but also the entire world around you.

[teas-of-trin]

“Sharp Objects uses the mystery around the story of dead girls to dive deeply into the psychology of motherhood, and the entrapment of female characters in cycles of violence and their own traumatic family history—a history that repeats itself again and again in persistent yet futile attempts to resolve the childhood trauma perpetuated by the malevolent mother.”

“In Sharp Objects Flynn situates violence by and against women against the trauma and dysfunctionality of a matriarchal family.”

“There are two parallel stories of dead girls in the novel, the killing of… Natalie and Ann… [and] the mysterious death of Marian, Adora’s daughter….This meeting point between violence, trauma, and the female body points to a larger discourse that delineates the missing/dead female narrative and underlines a common culture “of the atrocity exhibition, in which people wear their damage like badges of identity, or fashion accessories.””

“Flynn also twists the dead girl victim narrative often found in crime fiction by shedding light on her complex female characters who often cross the line from victimhood to transgression and criminality. Sharp Objectsthus paints dark and disagreeable images of the mother as well as her daughters, who are both victims and perpetrators of violence.”

“Adora’s diary entry after Marian died shows this intense obsession with her daughter and death itself: “Marian is dead. I couldn’t stop. I’ve lost twelve pounds and am skin and bones. Everyone’s been incredible kind.”…In contrast, Camille recalls her mother’s neglect and coldness towards her, which seemingly shaped her upbringing and her mental state…Adora’s open admission of hate towards her own child can be viewed in light of the mother’s mental state and the broken mother-daughter relationship.”

“Camille is shown to suffer from a severe trauma after repressing a lot of painful memories from her childhood, especially the trauma of losing her sister Marian at the hand of their mother. The narrative illustrates the failure of processing her trauma; Camille is painted by her past and her pain is literally painted on her body…Camille embodies words literally and the words on her body become her main narrative, a vehicle for whatever attempts to escape language and expression—her trauma.”

“Adora needs to be at the center of her daughter’s lives and assume control over them to the point of suffocation and death. She seeks attention and love from her daughters but she takes loving and caring for her children to the extreme. What Camille describes as her mother’s “voraciousness about children” is not separate form the violence and control that she exhibits.”

“While Camille rebels, Amma plays along with her mother, she lets her mother give her the medication that makes her sick yet she also revels in the attention she is given.”

“Throughout the story Camille is presented as a puzzle; she is full of conflicting feelings towards her mother, her family, and even the whole town. She refuses to end up like her sister Marian, another “dead girl”, and turns her pain, anger, and frustration towards her mother inwards. Her body is a full canvas of her traumatic past, while it also speaks to the present…”

“Adora is “a girl-woman who occupies an ambiguous space between appearances of innocence and expressions”, while Amma oscillates between the roles of a child victim and a ruthless killer.”

“The sexualization of the child exposes the dysfunctional family and the harm that Amma suffers under her mother’s hand, but it also reveals the doubling in her personality. The two faces of Amma—a child and an oversexualized girl—disclose the fissure in her psyche and the trauma that lies behind her dissociative behavior. It is the trauma of being a victim of her mother’s constant manipulation, which is soon translated into violence.”

“…the temporal fluidity in Flynn’s story shows how the female characters navigate their reality. The story moves smoothly between the past and present, which creates more tension around the murder mystery of the two dead girls, and at the same time underlines the trauma and the complex family history of the female characters. She demystifies and resolves the mystery of the murders and brings attention to the conflicting facets of femininity, victimhood, and power.”

“…in presenting “a lineage of disturbed women,” Sharp Objects focuses on femininity in a display that reveals a tension between public “performance” and “private deviance.” Femininity in the novel is closely related to criminality and monstrosity…Although Adora’s daughters are victims of their mother’s MBP…the novel also suggests that there is a mirroring between the mother and her daughters. Flynn establishes Amma as a “monstrous double of the mother,” as both Amma and Adora killed girls, while Amma herself is the product of her mother’s abusive upbringing. This complicates the demarcation lines between victimhood and criminality on the one hand, and victimhood and agency on the other.”

“Through a family full of dysfunction and destruction, Flynn brings to the fore the origin of female monstrosity and dissects the inner workings of femininity and motherhood in this narrative. The story reveals generational hatred and damage in the family structure.”

-From Monstrous Mothers and Dead Girls in Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects and Gone Girl by Maysaa Jaber [Part 2]

[haggishlyhagging]

Children, then, are not freer than adults. They are burdened by a wish fantasy in direct proportion to the restraints of their narrow lives; with an unpleasant sense of their own physical inadequacy and ridiculousness; with constant shame about their dependence, economic and otherwise ("Mother, may I?"); and humiliation concerning their natural ignorance of practical affairs. Children are repressed at every waking minute. Childhood is hell.

The result is the insecure, and therefore aggressive/defensive, often obnoxious little person we call a child. Economic, sexual, and general psychological oppressions reveal themselves in coyness, dishonesty, spite, these unpleasant characteristics in turn reinforcing the isolation of children from the rest of society. Thus their rearing, particularly in its most difficult personality phases, is gladly relinquished to women—who tend, for the same reason, to exhibit these personality characteristics themselves. Except for the ego rewards involved in having children of one's own, few men show any interest in children. And certainly not enough to include them in any books on revolution.

So it is up to feminist (ex-child and still oppressed child-women) revolutionaries to do so. We must include the oppression of children in any program for feminist revolution or we will be subject to the same failing of which we have so often accused men: of not having gone deep enough in our analysis, of having missed an important substratum of oppression merely because it didn't directly concern us. I say this knowing full well that many women are sick and tired of being lumped together with children: that they are no more our charge and responsibility than anyone else's will be an assumption crucial to our revolutionary demands. It is only that we have developed, in our long period of related sufferings, a certain compassion and understanding for them that there is no reason to lose now; we know where they're at, what they're experiencing, because we, too, are still undergoing the same kind of oppressions. The mother who wants to kill her child for what she has had to sacrifice for it (a common desire) learns to love that same child only when she understands that it is as helpless, as oppressed as she is, and by the same oppressor: then her hatred is directed outward, and "motherlove" is born. But we will go further: our final step must be the elimination of the very conditions of femininity and childhood themselves that are now conducive to this alliance of the oppressed, clearing the way for a fully "human" condition. There are no children yet able to write their own books, tell their own story. We will have to, one last time, do it for them.

-Shulamith Firestone, The Dialectic of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution

[lemonhemlock]

Thoughts on alicole

i love them! they are so guinevere/lancelot coded, a less extreme version of jaime & cersei, the trope of the queen and her swordhand.

i love the metas of them acting like husband & wife, because they truly are partners, they are each other's only friend. they'd never betray each other and always have each other's backs! they have proven that to each other already through their behaviour. in a way, ser criston is the friend alicent has been looking for her entire life and hoped to find in rhaenyra. especially after her father was banished, she would have been so grateful for ser criston looking out for her and being by her side!

criston goes through a crazy few days? weeks? after his affair with rhaenyra begins. although she definitely doesn't see it that way, given her blasé offer for criston to become her lover on a permanent basis, this is actually a very dangerous proposition for a knight of a kingsguard. rhaenyra's grandfather jaehaerys sent ser lucamore STRONG (lmao) to the night's watch after gelding him for breaking his vows. granted, ser lucamore slept with many a lady and fathered many a bastard, it wasn't just some random affair that happened once or twice, BUT would ser criston really be spared if it ever came up that he was sleeping with the heir to the throne?

with this in mind, he goes to alicent and confesses his crime, racked by guilt, and she FORGIVES him. she lets him go. he thought he was going to die and then he doesn't. at the wedding, joffrey then prods at him, hinting that he will blackmail him with this dangerous ammunition, if necessary, and criston breaks down. he thought he was safe but turns out he has the sword of damocles hanging over his head if joffrey gets his way. he smashes his face in an act of rage but realises there is no turning back now, suicide is his only option. but he gets to live because of alicent again! we're not shown the resolution, but she must have come up with some lie in order to explain criston's breakdown and is convincing enough to talk him down the ledge.

basically, what i'm trying to say is this man has been on an emotional roller-coaster in a very short amount of time and alicent has pulled through for him, not once, but twice. she doesn't really knows him as a person, they have no great prior connection. she doesn't really gain anything from saving him. the first time, she could have used this information to implode on rhaenyra's lies and to get her father back. the second time, saving him is an active inconvenience on her part because she has to think of something quickly and be assertive enough to act it out.

so there's no wonder ser criston is so loyal to alicent. she truly is his clement queen! the one person who understood him and showed him kindness when he most needed it. he doesn't side with her out of spite, because she opposes rhaenyra, they grow to have an entirely independent relationship. alicent feels so safe with him she can rant freely about dangerous topics. they're so close criston enters rooms she is in without knocking. they're partners in crime! they're besties!

there is much to be said about alicent's sexuality and whether she is a repressed lesbian stuffed into a heteronormative social role or a possibly bisexual woman and, generally-speaking, where she falls on the sexuality/romantic spectrum. she does exhibit a crush on criston when she is a young girl. is that crush only romantic or could she have viewed him as a possible sexual partner? i don't think alicent herself knows.

the show-runners have the possibility to explore this in many different ways, whether they stick to courtly love or whether they turn this into a more carnal situation. there is certainly tension between them in this regard. maybe criston isn't keen on breaking his vows again, but, moving forward, the war is going to be very stressful and high stakes, so who knows? people slip up and break their code of principles in search of emotional release and comfort, especially under duress. alicent herself is a person who has been sexually abused and can't seem to catch a break even after viserys dies (see larys). i don't think she can fully conceptualize what it means to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone that isn't based on exploitation, shame, ennui and doesn't carry the expectation and the trauma of childbirth.

POST-SCRIPTUM: i really do wonder what exactly was criston going to do in the eye-gouging trial. when alicent demands luke's eye, for a second, he seems like he's considering it, but then does an assessment of the public - only when met with viserys' & ser harrold's staunch vetoes does he back down. "as your protector, my queen" sounds apologetic to my ears. "i wish i could, but these fools won't allow me. i could never even reach luke." but when alicent grabs viserys' dagger and makes a run for it, criston throws all of that caution out of the window and runs towards her like a man possessed! but is he actually headed towards luke before daemon stops him? i thought he was mostly headed in alicent's direction, to make sure nothing happens to her while she carries out her attempt. it's ambiguous but i'm so curious!

[josiesfm]

* ; INTRODUCING — JOSIE HUNTINGTON.

my name is JOSEPHINE “JOSIE” HUNTINGTON … and i am from ann arbor, michigan and i’m a freelance journalist. i lived in helltown for 1 MONTH because i'm traveling to find my brother. i am twenty8 my pronouns are she/her and i am affable, forgiving & benevolent though some may say i’m naïve, nosy & opinionated. i also hear i look a lot like daisy edgar jones but, i don’t know if i see it. i’m here because i'm tracking down my brother to give him news of his inheritance but, maybe there’s more to it than that. you never know with helltown. tw for ; sickness, death.

CASE

BASICS

birth name: josephine claire huntington. nicknames: josie — preferred name, jo. age: 28. date of birth: may 15th. sign: taurus. gender: cis woman. pronouns: she/her. orientation: bisexual, although she represses a lot of her gay ass attractions. ( happy pride ! )

PHYSICALITY

hair: brown, wavy, always well trimmed and styled. (can't be caught with messy hair, it's not proper) eyes: brown. height: 5'6". tattoos: none. piercings: her two earlobes. bellybutton she hides from her parents to this day.

PERSONALITY

positive: affable, forgiving, benevolent, caring. negative: opinionated, naïve, nosy, stubborn. likes: birds, flowers, the smell of a new book, bitter coffee, the scratch sound of a well used record. dislikes: ink spills, fishes, waking up late, cold temperature that leaves her shivering, vanilla scented candles. temperament: melancholic. alignment: lawful good. element: earth.

STORY.

I. life if easy when nothing you say or do is seen as wrong. easier even when you're a quiet kid and don't ask any questions as you grow up. this is the way josephine had been brought up into the world ; to parents that wanted nothing less than obedience. maybe they'd learn from the previous baby boy, learned that ignoring a child doesn't make them listen.

II. they've got the wrong lessons out of it, however. because where they did not care for austin, they cared too much for josie. overbearing, coddling, expecting ; it's one extreme to the other. but she doesn't understand this until much later. for now ? she's only just a girl that loves the pretty dresses her mommy gets her every other day, that loves to be picked up by her daddy to tell him all about her day playing dress up. but what she loves more, is playtime with her big brother, despite the unsubtle roll of their mother's eyes.

III. young age has a lot to do with the allowance of such time together, and while there will be a lot of cons in the future, the one pro the youngest will exploit would be the inability to be told no by parents who couldn't see a single wrong in their daughter. time with austin is the best ; he's her best friend, best confident, best brother in the world.

IV. but they grow older, and there are still things she doesn't understand. josie is a curious child, that comes with many questions : why would they cut their time short ? why would they yell ? why couldn't she ask about the arguments, the timeouts that would last until the next day ? she didn't need to worry about it, shouldn't keep asking either. she has other things to do, anyway, doesn't she ? and she did, her parents signing her up to about any social club or instrument lessons they thought would bring prestige to the huntington's name.

V. the thing about being the golden child is that she is the shiny thing being presented as the family exhibition. and growing up having everything she's ever asked for, it's rude to not give back in return when she's asked to. she can't be nothing else than perfect, from the clothes she wears, to the angle of her hair, to the words she has to say. buying their kid's compliance is the secret they won't tell other parents, they can't have the perfect image come crashing down like this.

VI. and it almost does on a fated day, when she is still too young to fully grasp it. there are things she'd grown into thinking were granted. having a brother to come back home to and sneak into his room as her one act of disobedience being one. returning from a lesson to an injured father, distressed mother and no brother, well, she was left alone in her confusion.

VII. the first year following austin's departure is the worst. she's fed lies she'll uncover only later, about how he was the one to unfairly lash out and their father had no choice but send him away to a distant cousin, not safe to have him around the family anymore. whenever she would ask to talk to him, go visit him, even write to him, she was shut down. it came to a point where gregory's voice was raised at her for asking so many questions, and she'd stop inquiring about her brother. stopped inquiring about anything, for that matter.

VIII. the house had always been big, but it never felt empty when austin was there. his absence is agonizingly noticeable, even more so when his room is turned into one more study, and his pictures slowly disappearing from shelves as if he had never been part of their family, yet the halls always seem haunted by his presence. she writes letters she doesn't know where to send, so she asks the helping staff, but never once did she get an answer.

IX. the following years are as boring as they are depressing, she falls into a cleaning up routine, a well rehearsed play where her role as the good child is ever more important to keep the huntington's image afloat. the things she does, they're out of duty. how lucky to enjoy something you're good at, and she can't help be agree. she likes those recitals, those meetings, those showcases . . . does she not ? she can't tell, she could never. she supposes she enjoys her tasks, it's what she's done her whole life.

X. the first choice she does out of free will is pick up elective courses when college rolls around. her degree was all drawn up for her, obviously. no one told her about things deviating from a beaten path. an intro class to journalism sparks back her lost flame of curiosity, and she's almost too late to speak her first real interest to her parents.

XI. they're disappointed with her, maybe for the first time in their lives. but she'd never given them a reason to distrust her over the years, so they allow the change. think she'll get bored eventually and want to follow in the patriarch's way. but she never bores, and she realizes what it truly is like, to do something you love.

XII. and she makes a career out of it, loves to give people a voice when her own has never been heard. loves to undiscover truths when all she's known had been to keep up a web of lies. she'll investigate about any lead if she thinks a story is worth telling, with the irony of never looking at the one laying in the middle of her own upbringing.

XIII. some truths about a name long forbidden to speak start to come out two years ago, when gregory has been caught with a sickness that would be fatal 24 months later. all of the things she couldn't understand before start to make sense, and she's forced to go back feeling like the helpless ten years old when she puts it all together after being obligated to forget about it all. she's never shaken the loneliness glued to her ever since she'd been left on her own with their parents expectations, but she can finally let go of the camouflaged anger at a selfish lash out that never actually happened.

XIV. she has to assume it's guilt, when a dying breath is what follows a final demand barely a few weeks ago. she's good at snooping now, it's the most lighthearted she's heard her father in years. the study holds everything she needs to track down austin, gregory had kept tabs on his son's location for all of those years. but she has to bear a message, a full envelop of its details also sitting on top of a neatly organized table ; the business, the inheritance, the funds, all in the name of the eldest huntington. so her path has now been set for helltown, ohio, for the ghost she'd come to think was only constricted to haunting her memories.

tl;dr — lost, lonely, confused and grieving youngest daughter raised to never do no wrong and to never deviate from a preplanned path on the hunt for her just as lost older brother ( austin huntington now parker ) to let him know that he's the new multi-millionaire in town !