#live laugh love inej

[theres-a-bea]

it’s the way they gave inej both the knife wife and sword girlfriend status 

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

hey! i love your posts! i was wondering if you could possibly do an analysis on the infamous bathroom scene? why does kaz choose this time to get close to inej and help her with her bandages? do you think he went in with the intention to try and give her physical affection or did it just happen? why does he choose to kiss her neck and is there significance to that? no rush, but i’d love to hear your thoughts!

Thanks so much for your question! I know you said I rush but it really has been a long time so I’m so sorry this took forever, but let’s go!

So the bathroom scene begins very specifically parallel with one of the earliest scenes of Six of Crows, when Kaz is washing in his room at the Slat and Inej walks in to deliver him news, and I think this is supposed to give us a sense of finality. It increases the tension, because at this point the reader is very aware that not everyone is necessarily going to survive Kaz's plan and having this echo could therefore look something frighteningly like closure to prepare us for losing one or both of the pair. Now this can be interpreted as a red herring, Leigh Bardugo is the queen of hitting where the mark’s not looking and she feeds us a lot of red herrings to hide her actual foreshadowing (I made a post about it a while ago now but in summary she’s a genius), and this could definitely be an extension of that to draw attention away from Matthias, similarly to how she focuses on the possibility of Matthias losing Nina a lot more than she does Nina losing Matthias, or it could be a hark back to Inej looking at the murals of animals running in circles in Six of Crows, describing them as “destined to chase each other for as long as the Ice Court stood” (or along those lines sorry I don’t have my books with me at the minute) as a metaphor for her and Kaz’s relationship. I think that the cyclical nature of this scene is meant to reference that in order to suggest that actually they have found a way to break the cycle, because they succeeded at the Ice Court, they metaphorically brought it down and so the cycle is broken, and the fact that there are several distinct differences between these parallel scenes enhances that for me.

This scene is only given to us in detail from Kaz's POV, whereas the early scene is from Inej's, and in each case the opposite character is arguably in the more vulnerable appearing position. In the first scene Kaz is shirtless, washing blood off himself, and Inej is actively discomforted by the immodesty of the interaction between them. In the bathroom scene, Inej has removed her tunic and I believe is wearing a tank top, which for her is a massively vulnerable way to be seen because she covers most of her skin all the time - particularly her arms because of her scars from the removal of the Menagerie tattoo. By this point the scars has been removed by Nina when she was high on parem, but that doesn't make Inej's psychological connection to them end and it definitely doesn't decrease her feeling of vulnerability when her skin is on show. There's also the added tension of Inej being injured in this scene. Although both scenes are in the aftermath of danger, the bathroom scene has a far stronger sense of the further danger to come than the earlier one did, since at the time we knew so little of the heist and the plan. Inej's injury solidifies this and makes the danger feel constant and real, as well as intensely increasing her vulnerability in a way that she is very aware of.

The fact that Kaz chooses now to get close to her intensifies this sense of danger and makes the reader very aware that Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, the man we have witnessed successfully breaking in and out of the Ice Court, cutting out a man's eye, scaring a small child so badly she'll probably need therapy as an adult, murdering, thieving, and being so committed to his plans that he swallowed and regurgitated a set of lockpicks without a second thought, is actually, genuinely terrified that he won't come back from the next stage of his plan. In fact he's so terrified that he has decided to face the only other thing that frightens him, so that if he dies today at least he tried. I'm not sure if he went in with the intention of moving from helping her with the bandages to physical intimacy, because even the bandages alone would be a huge step for him. It's possible that once he'd committed to helping her with the bandages anyway, that he decided to push himself as far as possible in case he never got another chance. Possibly if he'd taken things in smaller steps he would have been able to cope with helping her today, and then know that he could help her again, and maybe one day after that he'll be able to kiss her. But one of the things that makes this moment so beautiful is that this is a snippet of time where Kaz and Inej are the only thing that exist, there is no future and if they try hard enough maybe there can be no past, maybe there can just be the present, there can just be this. Kaz takes these steps now becasue he doesn't see a chance to do it again, and although this does wonders to enhance the importance and the beauty of the scene it is also terrifying as a reader to face the very real possibility of Kaz not coming back.

I’m really glad you mentioned him kissing her neck because I do think it’s possibly symbolic and quite meaningful. Whilst both of them struggle with physical contact to different capacities, it’s important to note that whilst Kaz’s fear of contact has made intimacy a seeming impossibility for him, for Inej it’s intimacy itself that’s the biggest influence on her pain. She struggles with any contact she isn’t prepared for beforehand, but only ever finds it worth explaining when it’s a form of intimacy - “the first time Nina hugged me, I flinched”. Even though Inej consents in the scene and doesn’t, at least not vocally or physically and therefore not to the reader’s knowledge, change her mind, she never initiates anything. I think this is important because it forces Kaz to be the one who handles the initial contact; if she touched him skin-on-skin without him forcing himself to do so first then he probably would have shut down and panicked a lot sooner because he wasn’t in control. But he also shows such an important understanding that Inej also needs some level of control. And that control comes in her decision to return the kiss. If he kissed her lips she would be forced to face the prospect of her worst fear “would she kiss him back? Could she be herself in such a moment or […] a doll in his arms, a girl who would never quite be whole”. (Again, sorry, operating on memory alone for the quotes). By kissing her neck, Kaz is able to create this moment of sensuality without taking control of it any more than he needs to for his own sake, making sure that the choice always remains hers. It also makes me think of when Nina kisses Matthias on the neck whilst searching his pockets for parem, when she says that she didn’t kiss his lips because she would not let the drug take that from her. Leigh Bardugo establishes this kiss on the lips as something powerful early on in the book and it comes into play once again here, with Kaz and Inej acknowledging that kind of connection to be a far more symbolic one for them than an initial contact is. In much the same way that Kaz refused to be the one to mark Inej again, he will not be the one to kiss her lips and create a situation she is unprepared to deal with. Ultimately, he has to be able to touch her skin first, and she has to be able to kiss his lips first.

Ok I wasn't one hundred percent sure how I was going to go about this and then suddenly all of that was on the page, but I think what I'm going to do now is pick some specific quotes or moments from the scene to talk about.

"I don't have the words to thank you" "I'm sure the Suli have a thousand proverbs for such an occasion" "words have not been invented for such an occasion" "if I end up on the gallows you can say something nice over the corpse" - honestly not sure if I have anything to say about this I just love this conversation so damn much

"if that were true my shadow would have put Ketterdam in permananent night" "maybe. or maybe your someone else's shadow" "You mean Pekka" - I feel like I talk about Kaz being Pekka's shadow an awful lot but I am just so obsessed with the idea, they are literary foils but there are also such important distinct differences between them it’s just incredible

“I don’t sell girl into brothels, I don’t con helpless kids out if their money” “look at the floor of the crow club, Kaz,” - okay so of the same vein and again I feel like I talk about it a lot, in fact it’s literally what inspired the entire fic im writing (if you wanna read it all the chapters are tagged under “Maya Olsen oc”) but these lines are so goddamn heartbreaking I will never get over them

“How could she still look at the world that way?” - it’s just really interesting to me to have this direct address of comparison of the way their view has been shaped by their experiences, particularly as I’ve talked a lot about Inej having to come to terms with the idea that what happened to her isn’t just a cruel part of the world but an individual piece of a cruel world especially with seeing the “Rare Spices” billboard using hyper-sexualised Suli women to sell the products (I made a whole post on that too) and yet still she sees hope in the world. A lot of this I think is to do with her faith, because instead of believing that there can be no god or saints or other form of deity because of the cruelty in the world, as Kaz does (it’s confirmed that he prayed as a child but is obviously now very atheistic, though we don’t get a lot of detail about what religion he may or may not have practiced), a big part of Inej’s path to hell by is believing that fate planned this for her so that it would lead her to stopping it from happening to others. I struggle with this idea because it seems to imply that it makes her pain worthy of going through when obviously no-one should ever have to experience such trauma, but there are many different ways of interpreting this and personally I don’t think that Inej believes her Saints did this to her for a reason but that she believes they have found a reason for her to continue after after the fact and given her a cause in order to help her through her experiences. I hope this makes sense it’s starting to feel a bit ramble-y

Oh my god I just wrote loads after that and it didn’t save. Oh my god no I can’t believe it I’ve been writing for so long 😭 ok erm… oh god I’m so annoyed right now I can’t remember everything I wrote and it was so much like I’d nearly got to the end of the chapter doing a quote by quote analysis. Ok I’m going to try and reconstruct what I did but please bare with if this isn’t my best work because usually I write very freely when I do these and just throw whatever comes into my head into the page so cautiously trying to think back to what I said originally might make it come across a bit stilted.

I can’t believe I’ve done this 😭

“The distance between them felt like nothing. It felt like miles” - his internal conflict is so brilliantly written and it’s so heartbreaking; the way this is far too close but it’s much too far away

“Graceful as always. A girl underwater” - again this internal conflict, the way she’s underwater because her movements are fluid but she’s also underwater because to touch her it to drown

“His gloves lay discarded […] they looked like dead animals”

“Maybe he would never get to the Slat. Maybe this would kill him.”

“Inej’s eyes were wide and dark. Lost planets. Black moons” - I will never shut up about the fact that soc starts with Joost wishing Anya had blue eyes instead of brown so they were easier to compliment, and then the two books are absolutely overflowing with Kaz and Inej describing each other’s beautiful brown eyes

“It’s shame that eats men whole. He was drowning it. Drowning in the Ketterdam harbour”

“Even now a boy will smile at me on the street, or Jesper will put his arm around my waist, and I feel I’m going to vanish,” - this is such and important moment, this scene is the most vulnerable and open Inej ever is out loud and I think it’s such a massive concession to her trust in Kaz. I think that, especially because the scene is written from Kaz’s perspective, we get a lot more emphasis on his struggle than on Inej’s and although it’s really important to discuss Kaz I do think that sometimes we tread a thin line of focusing on him at the expense of losing focus on Inej and it’s so massively important to acknowledge both of them. This is also one of the things that I think was the biggest downfall of the way the writing in shadow and bone season 2 treated Inej, although I absolutely adore the show and I think that everything Amita Suman does shows that she understands the character in a deep and beautiful level, I also think it’s so so important to realise that not once in either season does that script actually state that the Menagerie is a brothel. One of my friends who hasn’t read the books didn’t get the full picture of Inej’s backstory until I filled in some small gaps for her because the writing just didn’t do her full justice, and I think that’s really unfortunate not least because it means that to some who hasn’t read the books a lot of Inej’s actions in season 2 would come across as her trying rush Kaz into something he isn’t ready for when that isn’t the situation in the slightest

“The room tilted. He clung to the tether of her voice” - I’ve seen a lot of stuff online about the focus points of contact between grishaverse couples and the way their represented, for example with Malina it’s their hands (the way they hold hands as Alina is grabbed by Volcra and it amplifies her power, the way they reach to intertwine their fingers in the meadow, etc). And most of these label the eyes as Kanej’s focal point of contact, and whilst I agree with that I also think that the voice is a massively underrepresented one, especially from Kaz’s perspective. It’s Inej’s voice that helps him work through his panic attack in soc and it’s Inej’s voice that keeps him afloat now, arguably because it’s a form of connection between them that requires no closeness or input, it just exists and can be relied upon.

“I live in fear that I’ll see one of her… one of my clients on the street. For a long time I thought I recognised them everywhere. But sometimes I think what they did to me wasn’t the worst of it” - okay I want to warn you guys now I wrote a long and in depth analysis on this quote and I was incredibly passionate and very proud of it so I’n really really annoyed it didn’t save, and I’m sorry because my analysis now is probably not going to live up to what I wrote earlier but here we go:

For me, this is a massively important quote and there are two ways to read it. Firstly, that when she refers to “her” Inej means Heleen but edits her words as a continuation of this vulnerability she is forcing herself to share. The second is going to link to something I said a while ago about how we could compare a separation of “Inej” and “The Wraith” to the separation of “Kaz” and “Dirtyhands”, but this is a bit more like the separation of “Rietveld” and “Brekker”. Inej talks a lot about how she would leave her body behind to exist only in her mind, in passages I find particularly reminiscent of passages in The Handmaid’s Tale (although please note soc is not very explicit whereas tht is incredibly explicit). But to take that idea further, I think there are certain hints, and I think this is possibly the biggest one, to imply that one of Inej’s ptsd responses it to actually view herself today as a separate entity from who she was during her indenture, effectively saying ‘yes these things happened to this body but they didn’t happen to this mind so that should make it easier’ to herself, which is massively self-destructive in nature because it almost creates this idea that she needs to get over who she once was and move on, very similar to the way Kaz Brekker represses Kaz Rietveld. Arguably, what she’s saying is the worst of it is this fracturing of the self that has been created by what they put her through and that she cannot seem to escape from. Now obviously I don’t know the intent behind Leigh Bardugo’s words and I want to be very clear that there are different possible interpretations of this, this one in particular does happen to more darkly resonate with her ptsd that does not make it correct or incorrect but I think it’s worth considering, especially when it adds another layer to the parallels between her and Kaz.

Ok I’m not going to write out the full quote because it’s quite long but starting from the line “Tante Heleen wasn’t always cruel” - now I talked about this a bit in my post about a comparison between Inej and Wylan as subsequent to a comparison between Heleen and Van Eck, but very specifically in this passage Inej describes this horrifying, heart-shattering image of the way Heleen attempted to instil something akin to Stockholm Syndrome within the girls at the Menagerie, by forcing them to believe that she was their only hope for survival, that she was kinder to them than anyone else would be, that they had to prove they deserved to stay with her, that any abuse she brought down on them came from a place of some kind of twisted love or care because she had to do this to make them understand, that if they would just be good and if they would just understand then she wouldn’t have to hurt them but they won’t do they are forcing her to do this. It’s so painful and it tells us so much detail about Inej’s experience without actually going into tiny explicit details.

“Feeling regret and release as he broke contact with her skin” - again so brilliantly highlighting his internal conflict

“He could feel the warmth of her on his fingers like fever” - if I had a list of my favourite similes in literature… well it would be very long, but this would be on it!!! The subtlety and yet emphasis on Kaz’s internal conflict is so beautifully written here, with the warmth of her flesh against his creating this sensual atmosphere but the comparison of it to fever, to the illness that killed Jordie and took Kaz to the Reaper’s Barge, adds to the way the reminder of his pain is threaded through every moment even when he isn’t physically suffering a flashback, it’s just constantly present and inescapable

“That rapid pulse fluttering in her throat. Alive. Alive. Alive” - agaiiiiiiiiiiiin with the so brilliantly written internal conflict I will never get over. The entire scene is at war with itself, every sentence at odds with its own content. The sexual tension created in the image of the fast heart rate and the way this makes you feel alive versus the desperate need to keep reminding himself that she is alive and breathing she is not a body on the Reaper’s Barge.

Ohhhhh just the whole description of Kaz saying “after all she’d endured, he was the weak one” and explaining the pain of watching the others able to hold each other, how difficult it is to see Nina hug her and Jesper out his arm around her genuinely makes me want to cry, it resonates so sadly with the scene when they arrive at the Geldrenner and all the others are hugging and so happy to see each other alive, and Nina says that even if Kaz isn’t happy to see them they’re happy to see him, meanwhile Kaz is in a war of self loathing because he so intensely fears that they hate him because they think he hates them but he has no way of expressing himself and it’s just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you know?

“He watched that pulse, the evidence of her heart”

The whole passage that follows this moment I can’t explain it any other way than I feel like I’m melting every time I read it. I saw a Tumblr post someone had put on Pinterest recently and if I find it again I’ll put the op username in the comments but it basically said that when a writer can write something that isn’t a sex scene as if it’s a sex scene that it’s kind of magical and I think in a lot of ways this resonates massively with this scene

Ugh and then I want to cry again when he can’t cope and the I ability to express himself becomes anger and becomes descriptions of violence. This is the only time we get a full feel for the absolute unending mess of Kaz’s theist for revenge; it’s never enough, not the banks, not the attorneys, not the man from the cafe, not the boy who lured them in, not Margit, not Saskia, and Pekka Rollins won’t be. I always wonder if it’s important that we’re never told what he did to Saskia. We know that the roper was tortured and left dead with “the key to a wind up dog shoved down his throat” so we know Kaz exercises some kind of poetic justice in his violence, and we see that in his revenge against Rollins too. Maybe he strangled her with a red hair ribbon. Maybe he never actually hurt her. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to.

“You don’t ask for forgiveness Kaz. You earn it,” “and is that what you intend to do? By hunting slavers?” “By hunting slavers” - maybe it’s just because of the intonation choice on my audiobook (which btw is awesome shout out to the narrators of the audiobook love you guys) but this to me comes across as Kaz attempting to mock Inej in his harried, terrified, clearly losing control state and her so calmly standing her ground and standing by what she believes in

“His eyes scanned her face […] snatching at the pieces of her like the thief he was”

“But if he was going to die today maybe the one thing he’d earned was the memory of her, brighter than anything he would ever have a right to, to take with him to the other side.”

The way the last moments of the scene include him putting back in the gloves, reconstructing the armour

“He might as well go to meet his death in style” - this is gonna be out of tune with everything else I’ve said but damn what an icon love this line

“Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones, but survive this mess I’ve gotten us into.” - I may simply ✨cease to exist✨. But genuinely I’ve mentioned several times before about how the city of Ketterdam almost becomes it’s own character as the antagonist because ultimately it’s the system, not any individual, that has to be defeated and I think this quote highlights it so well. There are individual people that have to be dealt with and deserve everything that will be brought done upon them, but it’s the city itself that you have to watch out for or it will swallow you whole

I’m not going to go into detail about their tells because I’ve made a post devoted to them before and good lord this post is getting long, but I just want to emphasise that it’s a brilliant passage

“If you’ve ever cared about me at all, don’t follow” - I just absolutely adore that the next chapter starts with Inej following him mimicking these exact words I love her so damn much it makes giggle every time

“Inej was wrong about one thing. He knew exactly what he intended to leave behind when was gone: Damage” - *collapses* God I adore this there are no words

Ok wow if you made it this far thank you so much for reading this honestly I’m very impressed that you did because this is long. There are definitely details that I’ve lost because I had to require so much of it, which is a real shame but there’s still a lot to talk about here and I’ve written so much is possibly best for the sake of all our sanity’s that there isn’t more. Sorry I took so long to respond to your question but thank you so so much for asking it, I hope you all like this and that it at least made some sense because as I’ve said before these things often make more sense in my own head than they do on paper. Thanks for reading 💖

[ugisfeelings]

i love being a fake fan i still haven’t watched s&b but i have seen literally every single cast interview and i think everybody should clap for a little crows spinoff so frederick james carter can stay employed or else ill burn down the basement that they run n*tflix in 🤗

[crazyyluvr]

hi! Can I please please ask a kaz brekker x reader? I was thinking of reader being a blind heartrender. I headcanon blind grishas to have their abilities amplified, and a blind heartrender would be basically daredevil XD.

Thank you in advance for reading the request, I really loved six of crows!

I am the QUEEN of Hearts, Don't Tell Me Otherwise

pairing: kaz brekker x reader

summary: Having a blind Heartrender has its perks. For Kaz Brekker, having a blind Heartrender that can hear his heartbeat change around her has its disadvantages.

genre: fluff

wc: 3.4k

content: reader is blind, fem!reader with she/her prns, violence (some torture), reading is a bit clumsy, kaz's heart speeds up a lot

note: OMG I LOVE THIS IDEA <33 tysm for requesting anon. i hope this layout is fine, i just wanted to try something different. sorry if it's kinda bad, i wrote it in one sitting LMFAO. either way, hope u enjoy!!

oneshot under the cut :: not edited

Perks

1. You didn't need your eyes to see.

It was very useful in heists to have someone who knew that someone was walking towards them without having to actually see them. Being blind somehow enhanced your hearing and your touch on your Grisha powers, and that was why you could do a lot of things easier than other Heartrenders — even Nina — had difficulty with.

It was one of the main reasons why you stuck with Kaz when he had to crack a safe; you were basically his lookout.

"Someone's around three minutes out," you whispered to him, standing a few paces behind Kaz who was hunched over a safe. Your head was tilted to the side, your ears were focusing on a melody only you could hear.

"Scratch that, two minutes out, they're moving faster," you reported. "Are you almost done?"

Kaz focus on the complicated lock didn't break as he replied, "I need more time."

"Okay," You moved forward, hands in front of your thighs to guide you around the desk in front of you.

"Thirty seconds," You said, the heart beat of the approaching guard getting louder and louder. "How down?"

"Shut-eye," He replied.

You put your hand up in front of you.

The doorknob jingled a little, and you activated your power, drastically slowing the heartbeat of the guard before he could open the door. You heard a thud on the floor, and you knew that he was unconscious.

A few seconds later, the safe clicked open. Kaz reached in and grabbed the money that you came for. "You could have at least tried to soften his fall or something. Someone could have heard that."

You shook your head. "There's no one close enough to hear." You turned to Kaz's voice, a small smirk on your lips. "Besides, It's just the two of us. I didn't want to leave you alone, 'cause you'd miss me too much."

Kaz rolled his eyes. "Don't feed your ego. It's not a fitting sight for you."

You laughed a little. "Like you don't do that everyday."

You turned to get out of the room, opening to door to free yourself. The door opened halfway before it suddenly stopped, like it was blocked by something. You didn't expect the obstruction, which caused you to trip over something and fall to the floor with a loud bang on the wooden ground.

Kaz stood over you in concern. You had tripped over the unconscious guard's body. "I thought his body was facing the other way," you groaned.

Kaz didn't have time to reply before both of you heard shouts in the corridors. Looks like they could hear that. He used his cane to get hold of the back of your jacket and pulled you to your feet.

"Time to go!" You dusted yourself off, leaping over the body and speedwalking away from the thundering of more guards, Kaz right at your heels.

2. You could always tell if someone was distressed.

You didn't live in the Slat, since you preferred to have your own place away from the gang, but that didn't make you any less close to Jesper, Inej, Wylan, Nina, and Matthias. You visited the Crows often, whether it be in the Slat or Crow Club.

You knew how important getting together was to them, whether or not they'd admit it. In a life full of mistrust and traitors, it was hard to find a crowd that you could actually trust. Of course, your friends had their own secrets that they kept to themselves, like how you had your own, but being with them without the pressure of telling them those stories was precious.

You were able to loosen up around them, laugh with them without the fear of judgement or that these moments of vulnerability would be used against you.

Instead, you relied on them to just forget your current struggles as you talked about stupid things over drinks.

You also used it as a chance to check up on them. You couldn't see them but you could hear them. Being blind made you sharpen your hearing more, both with our without the use of your Grisha abilities.

You could tell when there was something bothering your friends, which is why you knew there was something bothering Wylan when you and your friends decided to share some drinks in the Crow Club.

Jesper was mid-argument with Nina about what came first: the chicken or the egg. Inej and Matthias were just listening to them, occasionally adding their own thoughts or laughing when either of the debaters made a particularly stupid point.

You noticed that Wylan wasn't talking as much as he normally did. You felt him fidgeting beside you, his arm or his leg twitching more than it usually does.

If those weren't enough of a sign that there was something weighing on his mind, then there was his heart that also proved that point. It never seemed to settle. His shallow breaths that occasionally came in huffs of frustration agitated the muscle in the middle of his chest, making it beat faster than normal.

"Hey," you whispered to him, breaking him out of his troubled trance. He looked at you curiously. "Are you okay?" You asked, your brows unknowingly furrowing in concern.

"I'm fine," Wylan said, smiling reassuringly.

You rolled your white eyes. "You do know that fake smiles won't work on the blind, right?"

Wylan's smile dropped, shocked. "How did you know I was smiling?"

"I didn't," you shrugged, taking a sip from your glass. "I just guessed. But seriously, is there something wrong? You seem more distressed."

Wylan sighed, leaning back in his chair. He looked around at your table, and when he confirmed that none of your companions were paying the two of you any mind, he answered truthfully. "My dad's still sending me letters."

"I hope you've burned those letters," you huffed, feeling your blood boil quietly at the mention of Wylan's horrible sperm donor. "He's just trying to provoke you, make you feel worthless."

"But —"

"Don't even try to tell me that you are worthless, Wylan," you said harshly, turning your head towards him despite your blank eyes not meeting his gaze, instead staring through him. That did nothing to lessen the defiance in them. "You may not be able to read, but who cares? I can read for you, Jesper can read for you. That's kind of the point of having friends, we'll make up for whatever you lack."

Wylan thought about it for a moment. You could tell that your words worked on him from the way his breaths eased and his heart steadied.

"Yeah..." A smile slowly spread on Wylan's lips, a genuine one this time. "Thanks."

"Anything to stop your very loud heartbeat from distracting me," you joked, making Wylan laugh.

Kaz watched the interaction from the bar, his eyes unreadable as he turned back to his drink, finishing it before heading upstairs without another word.

3. Lies couldn't hide from you.

Kaz swung his cane, the crow handle finding its mark on the man's knee, hitting it with a sickening crack. He cried out in pain, keeling over but not going that far due to his hands chained to the ceiling.

The man was a spy placed in the Dregs. You found him when you were having a private heist meeting and heard his heart lingering out the front door.

So now, you were both trying to find out who hired the traitor — well, more like Kaz was beating him up for answers while you served as his lie detector.

"Who are you working for?" Kaz said, repeating the question he's been drilling into the man for the past hour. Despite the way he was pathetically sobbing, he still refused to give up the name of his boss.

Not out of loyalty, but out of fear, you thought, taking note of the way his heart beat at a pace only set by fear. Fear not only for what Kaz could and would do to him, but also fear for what would happen if he gave Kaz what he wanted.

"Olek!" He cried. Kaz, blood splattered on his black vest that was exposed from his decision to abandon his coat for mobility, turned to you expectantly.

You shook your head. "Lie."

Kaz swung his cane again without hesitation, this time bringing hitting the man's chest. The man's scream in pain was worse than before.

Kaz probably broke a few ribs, you thought offhandedly, only flinching in disgust when you felt some of the blood from the man's mouth hit your cheek. You wiped it off immediately.

"I was telling the truth!" He yelled, sobbing. "I was telling the truth!"

Kaz used his cane to tilt the man's head up by the chin, forcing him to meet Dirtyhands' cruel stare. He would receive no mercy, as there was nothing that could be given in the first place.

"My Heartrender said you lied, so you lied," Kaz said through gritted teeth. "If she keeps saying otherwise, you will die for this boss of yours. Are you willing to give your life for someone who could care less about it?"

When he received no response other than cries, Kaz prepared to hit with his cane again.

"Karlos!" The man screamed, pausing Kaz mid-swing. "Karlos Drulak!"

Kaz didn't turn to you before you spoke, your smile heard in your voice behind him. "There's our answer."

Your satisfaction was mutual, as Kaz's shoulders let go of some of its tension as he straightened — well, as much as he could without relying on his bloodied cane. "Finally." He readjusted his gloves and turned around, limping away, only stopping to speak to you.

"Send him to the grave."

Your smile widened into a grin, your teeth flashing in the lamplight. "With pleasure."

Kaz left you to your business, the screams of terror fading into the night as he went to the Slat to formulate a plan with the new information he'd just gained.

—————

Disadvantages

1. You didn't need your eyes to see him.

You always knew it was him.

Whether he would enter the Crow Club to find you drinking with Jesper, or he'd knock on your apartment door with an important matter in mind, or even just passing by him in a busy market despite the noise and the multiple heartbeats.

You always noticed him.

It bugged Kaz. He knew that no matter what other disguises he may put on, no matter whether or not he had his cane to tap on the tiles of the road or the wood of the Crow Club or the Slat, you always knew it was him.

He stood in front of your door, staring at the number in front of him. The plan for your heist the next day had undergone many changes, and he had to inform you of them.

He took a deep breath, raising his knuckles to knock.

"Come in, Kaz," you called, voice muffled from inside the apartment. It always happened when he popped by; he'd inhale, prepare to knock on the door, only for you to interrupt him and just tell him to go in.

He let out a quiet huff almost fondly. Of course she knew.

He opened the door, letting himself in. "You knew it was me." It was a question said as a statement. That's just how Kaz normally speaks when he's curious but wants to hide the fact that he's curious, but you could always tell the difference.

"Of course," you said, not looking up from your construction of your beverage. Your hands had eyes of their own, moving to the familiar spots of your condiments. "Your heartbeat."

"Everyone has their own, do they not?"

You laughed, meeting his jab with softness. "Yeah, they do, but none of them quite beat like yours."

Kaz's heart sped up a little at the words, and he knew that he couldn't hide it from you. Your knowing smirk just made him feel warmer.

2. You could always tell when he was distressed.

Kaz wasn' the only one who had access to unannounced appearances.

You made it a habit of appearing randomly in his office just like him visiting you in your apartment, but unlike Kaz, you sometimes came there just for his company, to just sit down on the spare chair in front of his desk and read or draw or whatever your mood makes you do. Neither of you say a word, but you could tell that he was also content with the arrangement.

You found Kaz seeming more distraught than usual, the normally steady beat of his heart thundering like a skittish horse that was cornered by unwanted oppressors.

Kaz didn't look up from his the papers on his desk when your signature knock reverberated in his space, or when you swung the door open to let yourself in.

"Is there something wrong?" You asked casually, approaching your seat and sinking into it. There was something oddly comforting about the hard wood resting on your back, like an anchor in an unknown sea.

Kaz tilted his head to look at you, eyebrows raised. "What makes you think there's something wrong."

You playfully waved your hand in Kaz's general area. "You gave off a distraught aura the moment I stepped into the room."

Kaz scoffed, making you smile. That was the closest thing you'd get to a laugh from him.

You let your playful persona slip as your face blanked, your white eyes staring at him seriously. "Kruge for your thoughts?"

Kaz studied you for a moment, before leaning back in his chair with a sigh. He ran a gloved hand through his slightly messy hair in frustration. "Per Haskell gave away one of two of our storage units for twelve thousand kruge."

Your eyebrows shot up in shock. "Just twelve thousand?"

"Exactly," Kaz huffed. "I'm trying to get it back, but the buyer's refusing. They haven't even moved in yet, and I already told them I can return the money they gave."

Kaz intertwined his fingers with each other, thinking deeply.

His dilemma also put your brain to work, shuffling through the possible solutions.

"Who bought it?" You asked.

"Karlos Drulak," Kaz said. The name sounded familiar to you.

You snapped your fingers, pointing to Kaz's left side. Kaz lifted his cane and moved your finger to point directly at him like you intended.

"Ah thank you," you said before continued. "He's the one who hired the other dude! The one who infiltrated the Dregs."

Kaz perked up slightly at the memory. How could that have slipped from his mind?

"Do you think that him buying our unit can be related to his unknown issue with us?" You wondered aloud.

"That's certainly a possibility," Kaz hummed.

You grinned. "See? Your heartbeat has already slowed."

You stood up, hefting the book you never opened in the office with you. "Well, I'll leave you to your thoughts. I'm sure you can figure it out on your own."

"Are you leaving me because you don't want to brainstorm?" Kaz rose an eyebrow in slight amusement as you made a beeline for the door, your feet having already memorized the layout of the room.

Your chin hooked on your shoulder to give him a view of your grin. "Too much of something is bad. Even thinking."

You gave him a lazy salute as you left, but as you closed the door, you could have sworn you heard a laugh escape the man's lips over the faster beating of his heart.

3. He couldn't lie to you.

Kaz's hearing was muffled from the sound of ringing in his ears. He forced his eyes to open, blinking hard to try and shake away whatever spell unconsciousness casted upon him.

He saw you crouching over him, eyes staring down at his chest, where you had a hand over. You must've revived him.

He felt panic thrum in his veins, his hands moving before he could stop them from slapping your palm away from him.

"Kaz!" Your voice was oddly muffled as he tried to stand up. His bad leg didn't cooperate with his wishes as he fell back down on the rough ground.

He looked back at you, and now you kept a respectable distance from him, your form framed by flame with worry creasing your forehead and pulling the corners of your lips downwards. He barely heard your next words: "Breathe!"

He forced his chest to comply, inhaling the smoky air and exhaling with a cough.

Two more of those, and you held out his cane for him to grab, slightly askew. He hesitated, but grabbed on it, letting you pull him to his feet using his cane. He was swaying on his feet, and you could tell from his slowing heartbeat that he was close to fainting from smoke inhalation.

"I know you don't like being touched, but you can't walk out of here without me helping!" You shouted. You felt pity pinch your chest at the ay Kaz’s heart sped up at that. You didn’t want to force him but you had no choice.

You didn't have time to wait for him to regain his bearings as part of the flaming roof collapsed mere feet away from you two. You flinched at the bang, but you didn't hesitate to sling his arm around your shoulders and drag him out of the room, snatching Kaz's cane and using it as your guide to the entrance right before you felt the flames lick the back of your coat.

Kaz furiously patted the small patch of flame on your back to extinguish it. He felt the water on his waist slowly rising, but he tried to push it down.

It was just you, his Heartrender. He'll be fine.

"C'mon, Jes is waiting for us at the rendezvous," you said, your voice strained from carrying most of Kaz's weight. He tried to walk on his own, to lessen your burden, but his body was too weak for it.

You left the building, Karlos Drulak's brand-new bar. Hey, at least the color of the fumes complimented the brown...?

Jesper caught you two and rushed forward to help, but you stopped him with a single shake of your head. It took a lot for Kaz to just let you keep him upright, what more if Jesper added to that?

You both hobbled as one to a safe distance before Kaz collapsed inside an alleyway. He took deep breaths, trying to fight the black roses of anxiety that bloomed in the corners of his vision.

"Kaz, look at me," you spoke, feeling his heart rate spike, but you weren't sure what you could do to help. "Kaz, what can I do?"

"Talk," He strained. "Distract me."

"Uh — okay, okay," your brain scrambled for some story to pull up, so it decided to bring you a memory from your childhood. "There was a time where I revived a dog of my old neighbor when I was seven years old," you said, your eyes trained on his chest like you can see his heart. "My parents were off to work, so they left me with the neighbor, and his heart just stopped beating. The neighbors didn't know what to do, but I just put a hand on him and willed his heart to beat again. He lived for seven more years after that before he peacefully passed."

"You should have let that dog die," Kaz gasped, but his breaths were slowly evening out. "I hate animals."

You smiled lightly. "Liar."

"How can you tell I'm lying? My heartbeat's already all over the place," Kaz huffed.

"I don't need my power to tell that you're lying," you said, shaking your head fondly. "I know you Kaz. In the years that we've worked together, I got to know you. I know you feed your scraps of food to the strays behind the Crow Club, which is why they keep coming back for more."

"Didn't know anyone noticed," Kaz said, his breaths more symmetrical as his vision cleared.

You laughed. "You really expected me to not notice?" Kaz saw how you hesitated, how your smile faltered before you continued with seriousness lacing your voice. "I always notice when it comes to you."

Kaz sighed, gently grabbing the cane from you and hauling himself to his feet. "Let's go to the Slat. Better make sure that the others know we're alive."

"Wow, you want to tell them you're alive so they don't get worried?" You cooed, walking a few feet beside him and syncing your steps with him. "Soft is a good look on you."

"Shut up, Heartrender," He grumbled, but a small smile broke through his face.

"Your Heartrender," you sang, skipping slightly knowing that he can't deny you from the sudden speed of his heart.

He shook his head, the smile still not leaving his face as you both walked.

His Heartrender indeed.

[maruiin]

description: everyone knew that Y/n was Kaz girl

Warning: jealous Kaz

It was funny because any possible 'suitors' for Y/n magically disappeared but no one said anything. Of course, they didn't, if they wanted to keep their lives then they wouldn't dare.

That was fine, everyone just kept to themselves and prayed to the saints that they weren't a possible threat to Dirtyhands. What frustrated the Crows is that neither Y/n nor Kaz would admit their feelings towards each other.

The Crows (for once) were all down in the crow club not planing one of their evil heists that usually mess up the world, today they were just relaxing.

Well, maybe not Kaz. Kaz never really fully relaxed, at least not with so many people around.

He saw Y/n laugh with Inej and Nina and he couldn't help the way his eyes travelled down her body or the way that he wanted to keep hearing that laugh on repeat for the rest of his life.

He also couldn't help the fact that he wanted to be the one to make her laugh like that.

Kaz sighed internally, even he knew, the bastard of the fucking barrel is head over heels for Y/n L/n. The girl who would make him dance in the rain with her, the girl who he would gladly kiss if it wasn't for his touch aversion.

She perched her head up a bit and scanned the crowd seemingly looking for something.

Or someone.

Kaz felt something boiling bubble up in his gut but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Why would Y/n be looking for someone? It better not be for a date...

Okay, maybe he did know what he was feeling at the moment because he felt it almost every day when another person was around Y/n that wasn't him.

And fuck, he knew it was because he was no good. She deserved so much more than someone who couldn't even brush his hand up against someone without getting near to a panic attack. But he couldn't, he really couldn't get out of the mood he was in now till the situation was over. Trust him he tried.

A man who was fairly good-looking comes up behind Y/n and tackle's her into a hug. He nearly goes up to stand but she starts laughing and embracing the boy like they haven't seen each other in years.

He grips onto his cane harder than he ever has in his life. Don't make a scene, don't make a scene. Please, don't make a scene.

Y/n giggles and kiss's the boy on his cheek and all his self will goes out and dies in the harbour.

He shoots up out of his seat and walks faster to Y/n and the terrible man than he should with his bad leg and slams his cane in between the two. He glares his worst glare basically seeing red when he looks at the man and all of him wants to bash his head in as an example to everyone. His mind doesn't even think it's a bad plan but he knows Y/n would not like whoever this was to die like that so he would have to somehow come up with another plan.

"If you dare look at her again you won't ever see again," Kaz says lowly and icily calm contrasting to what he's really feeling inside. Red hot rage burst's inside him becoming an ugly green that grows and infects him.

"Kaz!" Y/n semi-yells trying not to make a scene, but he was sure eyes were already on him. He was Dirtyhands after all.

He turns to her sharply knowing his expression isn't one that even a spider would want to see but it sits on his face all the same.

"What." He growls out trying so hard to not snap at the angel before him.

Without thinking his gloved hand goes to lightly touch her neck and he doesn't feel nausea and sickness. He only feels the warmth of the girl that he loves even with the gloves on. Fuck he loves her, and he had to admit it to himself right now?

She visibly shivers at his touch like she enjoyed it but her face quickly turns back to the angry one that she was wearing before.

"He's my brother!"

Now that he thinks about it he did look similar to Y/n, and the context of everything looked more sibling-like more than anything. How the hell did he not see it? He groaned on the inside, he was never doing anything without thinking it through first again. He guessed that plan was shit though because he could barely think around Y/n.

Speaking of Y/n...

The young woman growl and he feels his eyebrows raise. Oh shit. She balls her hands into fits and stomps off. He tries not to run after her but because of his leg,he can't go nearly as fast as she can and he quickly falls behind.

"Y/n!"

He gets to her room and she slams the door in his face.

Great.

He picks the lock of the door for a few minutes as he curses himself for letting her use one of the harder locks to get into. But after just under a minute he hears the familiar click and he slides open the door.

Luckily the girl is in her room and he's happy that she didn't run off right away. Though her arms are crossed around her chest and even someone standing two buildings away could tell this girl was pissed beyond hell.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" She says lowly trying not to yell at him.

He wasn't thinking, all he could see were his arms around her and her lips on his cheek. Kaz was surprised he managed a sentence when he decided to make a 'scene'

"I haven't seen him in years! Kaz, years! All I wanted was a happy reunion but you had to screw that up too!" She throws her hands in the air in exasperation.

Kaz knew that she wasn't planning on staying in Ketterdam at first and he didn't even know why she did stay, but his friends (or the closest people he could call friends) told him it was because of him. Brushing off that topic before was easy, but now look where it got them.

"I wasn't thinking." He finally finds the right words and breaks the silence that was washing over them both.

Don't screw this up Brekker.

"I didn't think he was your brother."

"So what? I was just another investment you had to protect because you thought I was stupid." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He swallowed trying to find the right words. But he couldn't, there were just no words how he could describe how he feels for her.

So show her dumbass.

Slowly taking off his gloves he place's a hand on her cheek. It's feather-light and barely there, but he doesn't feel the cold or the waves and he doesn't feel like he's drowning. Her skin feels warm and it makes him feel alive, he hasn't felt like that in what seems like forever.

"Oh." Is the only thing that comes out of her mouth and she smiles a bit?

He rolls his eyes at her and takes his hand away. "Ya, oh." He rasps.

Y/n reaches out and carefully takes his left hand in hers and slowly but surely they intertwine their hands together.

Her smile slowly fades away as she looks at their hands.

"What are we?" The question hangs in the air creating more space in between them than ever before. Kaz close's his eyes for a second and lets that hungry feeling wash over him. The feeling of jealousy and the feeling of possessiveness when he thought she was with another man.

But then he lets the little moments warp him in their warm embrace. The moments when she offhandedly mentioned that what her favourite flower was, so then those flowers would just appear in her room. Or when she saved him and he couldn't think of any moment where she looked more beautiful, more saint-like, more like herself than ever. He sucks in those moments never letting them go.

"You are mine." His other hand goes to her neck again. "And I am yours." He lets his eyes rake her body committing every single little detail to memory and he sees her blush faintly a bit as he drinks her in.

They stand there in silence just enjoying each other's presence till Y/n looks un at looked more beautiful, more saint-like, more like herself than ever. He sucks in those moments never letting them go.

"You are mine." His other hand goes to her neck again. "And I am yours." He lets his eyes rake her body committing every single little detail to memory and he sees her blush faintly a bit as he drinks her in.

They stand there in silence just enjoying each other's presence till Y/n looks up at him an oh shit look in her eyes.

"How the hell are we going to explain this to my brother!?"

[the-witch-of-woods-beyond]

don’t get me wrong i live for the “i would come for you” quote in crooked kingdom, but kanej just have so many good quotes that are just so sad and so wonderful and sometimes funny. like “one minute he made her BLUSH and the next he made her want to commit murder.” and “it was as if once kaz has seen her, he’d understood how to KEEP SEEING HER.” and “i can hear the change in kaz’s breathing when he looks at you . . . it CATCHES every time, like he’s NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.” and “that she was LOVELY AND BRAVE and better than anything he deserved. that he was TWISTED, CROOKED, WRONG, but not so broken that he couldn't pull himself together into some semblance of a man FOR HER.” and “but they TRIED. he tried. MAYBE they could try AGAIN.” and “that’s the laugh.” and “what do you WANT, then? . . . but a different reply roared to life inside him, loud, insistent, and unwelcome. YOU, INEJ. YOU.” and “give me a reason to STAY. for all his selfishness and cruelty, kaz was still THE BOY WHO HAD SAVED HER. she wanted to believe he was WORTH SAVING too.”

[whosthatfunkyrat]

Chapter 26 of Crooked Kingdom is so well written,

Literally it is a chapter of conflict. And I love that So much. Everything conflicts.

The way Kaz describes things, distance distorting, feeling too far and not far enough.

The way Inej makes him feel, her gentleness making him want to not be gentle.

His thoughts, the conflicting wants.

Helping/destroying

The way she looks at the world in contrast to how he does.

The way Kaz relies on Violence to help heal her. Direct opposites. He’s been so used to being dirty hands that he doesn’t know how to be gentle without relying on the experience of violence to help him.

Also the line “I can best this” in contrast to “he could not do this”

_______

|”creating a gap, feeling both regret and release as he broke contact with her skin”|

(Not pictured bc tumblr pic limit)

Feeling both regret and release when he stops touching her.

_______

| “He secured the knot. 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. He did not step back.” |

(Not pictured because tumblr pic limit)

Disregarding his own commands.

How the sickness is there, the need to run, but so is the need for something else (alluding to his longing to be close to her)

“Kaz thought he knew the language of pain intimately, but this ache was new.”

“After all she’d endured, he was the weak one.”

How it hurts for him to stand so close to her, but it also hurts to be so far away.

“ 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐’𝘮 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘸 he thought wildly”

Despite the pain, he pushes himself close to her.

Him waiting for her to reject him, her accepting him.

His imagination running wild the moment he kisses her. Images of her, alive, well, images of love. Only to be replaced with images of loss, her dead body before him, eyes that were once filled with life replaced with coldness. He feels Disgust and longing twisting in him.

Kaz is always at battle with himself. His wants are constantly conflicting depending on what side of him is talking.

I think the reason the chapter conflicts with itself so much is because this is the first time we see inside Kaz’s head as he directly is confronted by his other self. Kaz Rietveld is the boy who wants to love. Who wants to beg Inej to stay. Who wants to kiss her. It was Rietveld who bent his head to her neck. It was Rietveld who wanted the net. It was Rietveld who took his gloves off. It’s Rietveld who keeps pulling on Brekker’s strings. Loosening him until he gives. Kaz cannot hold off his other self. He cannot hold off who he is deep down. The farm boy who was filled with wonder. Who is 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 filled with wonder every time he looks at Inej.

And what makes this stream of thought horrible- is that when you follow it, everything Rietveld does, everything he Wants, everything he tries- touching her- kissing her-

Every time Kaz tries- Rietveld dies again. In the harbor, with his brother’s body in his hands. Every time Kaz allows his softer side to take hold- he’s brutally murdered again. He drowns. And eventually what’s left standing is Brekker. Cruel and inhumane.

When Kaz kisses her neck, he gives into Rietveld. His mind is flooded with images of love, things he scarcely let himself imagine because he scarcely let himself Be Rietveld. Only when he hears her laugh, sees her smile, looks at her hair, her eyes, does his mind wander to the soft side- the tender side of himself. Only when he’s near Her does he wonder “what happens if I move closer?”.

He kisses her and desire corses through him, love corses through him. But then Rietveld dies at the harbor again. Her body turns into a corpse’s and all the lovely lively things about her die with all the same things in him.

He jumps back, and stops her when she tries to draw nearer. He becomes cruel again. Brekker. He snarls on about who he tortured, who he killed. He see’s her flinch and a pain goes through his heart because beneath the layers of Brekker he’s built atop his heart will Always be Rietveld trying to reach out.

He covers himself in a facade, a mask, layers of clothing, gloves, armor. Layers to protect the boy inside him, still raw and hurt and in need of warmth, in need of love. He has armor in more ways than just his gloves. He builds walls nearly impossible to scale. But Inej is The Wriath, and there is no wall she can’t scale, and no secret she can’t steal.

“Then you can steal my secrets too.”

The hard truth Kaz has to face is that no matter how hard he tries, he will Always Be Rietveld. Deep down he’s not a demon. He’s a human boy. He needs love, companionship, friends.

“Tell Jesper he’s missed… around the slat.”

He cannot face the world alone despite the reputation he builds around the lie that he can. He cannot keep from Loving Inej. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how scarcely he lets himself think about her- he always will eventually wind up thinking about her when he lets his guard down, let’s himself be human, even if it’s for but a moment when her hair is freed from its braid and the sunlight dances through the window behind her. When she laughs. There’s no way, no matter how inhuman he believes himself, he can keep himself from wanting human things to want. Everyone needs love. It doesn’t matter in what capacity you’re talking- everyone NEEDS it. Friendship, romance, companionship, a pet, a kind word from a stranger, opening the door for someone, any of those things- it’s human nature and there’s no avoiding it.

Kaz Brekker Thrives being called a demon. He thrives on the mystery, the myth, the cruelty. He breathes it in because he can’t survive without it. His reputation is quite literally all he has. And his friends are even a result of it. The violence Fuels him. And he’s gotten so reliant on it that he doesn’t know how to be anything else. He doesn’t know how to be anything for anyone unless it involves a scheme, a score, a bit of blood. He quite literally cannot help Inej with her bandages unless he thinks about it as if he were drawing a weapon on someone. Violence was easy.

But the truth is he cannot be Brekker solely.

And he cannot be solely Brekker happily or even contently because he knows Inej will not have him with his armor. So the only option he’s left with is to indulge in Rietveld. To let himself die again and again at that harbor, for her. To use her voice as a tether so that he may not die again. So that she may pull him out of the sea. So that Rietveld can live to give her the love he longs to. He NEEDS Rietveld because he IS Rietveld. And there is no reasoning behind it, no scheme he can concoct to keep his truest self away.

“Dirty hands would have cut his losses and moved on”

But still he says “I would come for you”

Still he reaches out, grabbing Inej’s hand, staying with her, desperately fighting back the waters.

Still, he catches her when she falls, holds her up with worry in his eyes.

Because he’s not JUST Brekker. He’s not JUST dirty hands. He cannot be. No matter how much his hurt self wants him to be. He has to fight to stay alive in the harbor every time he touches her, but he will. Over and over again. For her. For them. He has to.

I’m not suggesting Kaz has some sort of personality disorder or something-

I’m saying I think his past is who Inej sees behind the cruelty. She understands the language of pain intimately, and knows when someone is responding out of pain. I think she sees him for all he is, Brekker and Rietveld, and loves him. He isn’t two people- but one- a very hurt boy who behaves like one, who’s built his life on pain. He conflicts so much with himself because he KNOWS Rietveld was too weak to survive in the barrel. He knows he cannot let himself be too soft. His tell is his love for Inej, and when all that mattered was for him to keep his cool, he looked at her- and Van Eck took her from him. His life is the same story written again and again with a different victim of his love each time- and he’s afraid that should he love anyone, go soft for a second, he’ll lose them. But there’s no way to avoid loving people. There’s no possible way to keep from caring about his friends.

So his only option is to let them have him, have Rietveld.

His only option is to balance both sides of himself, Rietveld and Brekker.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[crowsnqueens]

Bibliophile; Pt. ii

Kaz Brekker x Bibliophile!wife!reader

Summary: After Jesper watches a display of affection between his boss and his co-crow (hehe) he talks to Nina about it, eventually involving Inej and the heartrender in an investigation

a/n: this part of the storyline takes inspo from @undiscovered-horizon’s fic “Four Crow Investigation” which you can find here! i rlly recommend their stuff you should check them out!

Warnings: Mostly the same stuff as last time, you will need to read pt. i so go check her out first, Kaz is less angsty bc he’s married blah blah blah, (i’m just going to copy and paste the ones from pt. i tbh lmao) Kaz can tolerate reader’s touch, mentions of alcohol and drinking it, fluff for DAYS, reader uses she/her pronouns and is described as female, marriage??, the crows are about 22 in this (which is what i imagine to be in the show), OOC Kaz (i tried y’all)

Pt. i !!!

“I’m telling you, Nina! He kissed her forehead! There’s something going on here.” Jesper’s hands flailed about wildly as he expressed his concern to the girl across from him.

“I don’t doubt you, Jes. We just need to go about this carefully. Tell Inej.” The heartrender sipped her tea and waved the boy to go find their friend.

~

“Oh, I’ve known. I just can’t tell whether they’re just dating or married, it’s hard when they go about it so delicately. It’s really sweet, actually.” A soft smile lit the Suli girl’s face.

“Argh! I need to know! The anticipation is killer, I need to tell more people about this. Wylan!” The Zemini boy sauntered out of the room shouting.

“Saints, Jesper, carefully also means quietly! They’ll know we know if they hear us shouting.” Nina cautioned him.

“Who’ll know you know?” Y/n entered the kitchen gracefully and quietly. Even Inej was slightly taken aback. “What do you know that’s so secret? Can I have some of this Nina?” She gestured to the tea pot.

“Sure! And nothing too important, just the usual barrel gossip.” The Corporalnik laughed cooly as Y/n began to ascend the stairs.

“Alright. See you guys.” She giggled and waved to her three friends.

“That was too close.”

Inej and Jesper nodded together, all eyes falling on the boy.

“Stop yelling about top secret information, idiot.” Nina whispered.

~

“They know, Kaz” Y/n entered his office and sat in the chair opposite himself.

“About us together or our marriage?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Probably just us together, but I wouldn’t put it past Inej to know. We should just tell them, love.”

“How do we tell without telling?” Kaz questioned his wife as she used her best impression of his famous scheming face.

“I have an idea.” She smiled

“Do you know?” The boy smirked back at her, ready to listen.

~

“Oh, Demjin left some papers out.” Matthias walked past the kitchen table with a buttered piece of toast in hand, eyes rolling and head shaking.

“What do they say?” Jesper rushed the table with vigor and looked through some of them.

“Nina, they’re married! For three years! They’ve been wed since they were nineteen! Their marriage certificate is right here! Can you believe it?!”

“I really can’t.” Y/n’s voice carried from the bottom of the stairs to Jesper’s ears as he whipped around and pursed his lips.

“Morning, Y/n.” the boy waved a little and scrambled to the couch to attempt to disappear.

“Mrs. Brekker. Thats her official title, anyway.” Kaz waltzed in and placed a kiss to his wife’s cheek and continued to his arm chair in their living area.

Nina ran a hand over her face and gave the sharpshooter a look.

“Good going, Jes.”

The group laughed, Y/n sat on the arm of Kaz’s chair and linked their pinkies.

“Tell us everything. How did he propose?” Wylan leaned toward the two.

“Well, we were on a job…”

[khaleeseas]

kaz: literally drowning, about to die also kaz: inej. inej's laugh. i have to live to make sure inej gets out alive. i have to tell inej i love her. i need to thank inej for my new hat. inej inej inej

[sukisheadlights]

CHAMPANGE PROBLEMS!

kazbrekker x fem!reader

summary: it appears taylor swift wrote champagne problems for you and kaz brekker.

story: grishaverse masterlist

rory’s voice mail 🎧: I guess I'm the queen of angst sjsjsjjs. either way I hope you enjoy, love you say it back <3

WARNING ANGST AHEAD (AND SOME CURSING)

You walk into his office, the door creaking softly as his eyes dart towards the door. "just me" you said softly walking into the room, bottle of dom perigon in hand and the door closing behind you. Isolating both of you from the rest of the world.

Kaz shifts in his seat as you walk towards his table and place the bottle on it. He feels the promise ring in his pocket move as he gulps nervously, ofcourse back then you didn't see it. Instead you saw what was obvious, his eyebrows raised in amusement as he questioned where you snatched it from. you didn't see what he was hiding when you shrugged and sat down, instead focusing on the playful banter that was always there.

He watched you laugh as you try to tell him about a funny joke you heard, and he watched you get upset over jesper's behaviour that week. He watched intently even when a silence fell between you both.

You never expected yourself to fall inlove with kaz brekker, but in truth you didn't even have to try. It's a shame you convinced yourself he never felt the same when you accepted nikolai's proposal and decided to go back to the little palace. it's a shame you denied yourself of how he felt when the barrel's skeptics judged you both for your champagne problems, or how you denied yourself of how he felt when you sat alone in that office that night. It was all a shame.

You fought with him that night, you told him you loved him accidentally. you told him how you were leaving anyways as he washed his hands, gloves out of reach. You begged him silently to tell you to stay, just once. But instead your gaze softened when he told you to get out. You planned a speech, but he left you speechless. you don't know what you expected, but you felt him slip out of grasp.

You asked him to tell you to stay, but when he asked you why he should, you couldn't give him a reason. You watched him turn his back on you, instead opening the door for you. You watched as the ring fell out of his pocket, gold vines that could have wrapped around your fingers, his midas touch that made your problems feel heavier than they once were.

You left in a carriage that night, basking in the weight of your loss and the depressing glow of the full moon above your head. The same moon your once evergreen group of friends looked upon together. You regretted every decision you made to leave in silence as you walked through the decorated gates of the little palace.

Kaz sat in his office as he spun the ring around on his desk. He didn't pick it up when it fell, instead for the first time he prayed to the saints that he'd never find it again. He wasn't ready to open up so he watched you leave his life, just as he watched everyone else he loved do the same. He heard the barrel talk about how she would have made a lovely bride if she wasn't fucked in the head, Once a dreg found the ring and pieced it together after he got defensive.

Today, you stood at the back of the chappel as the nichevo'ya tore up everyone in it's path. You ran alongside jesper, inej, and kaz once again in fear of your lives. The crown once on your head abandoned long back. You watched in silence as you saw that ring on inej's finger. It suited her better.

You stood behind a wall controling a broken sob as you heard kaz ask inej to stay in ketterdam for him. You controlled it when she walked out anyways, when if it was you; you would have stayed for him. And all of a sudden you went back to that night, when neither of you wished to be vulnerable first and ruined it all instead. You walked out remembering the way he held her to stop her from leaving. You walked out feeling the weight of your champange problems return once again.

Your glass was heart and he dropped it.

But finally, you walked out of the barrel life once and for all as you realise he didn't want you to stay. Ofcourse, you failed to realise that he saw you behind that wall. He wished you were her so he could yell at you and cry and beg on his knees to make you stay. But he stayed quiet because you looked happier with nikolai. You both stayed quiet for each other; maybe that was your biggest mistake.

[rainydaymiscellaneous]

Into the fire- Chapter one (Kaz x fem!reader)

"I win again."

"Son of a bitch."

"I want another go around."

"Jesper, if you go again, you'll be leaving in your birthday suit, and that is an image we can all live without."

You laughed at Inej who was seated at the table in the Crow Club you all frequently visited. Inej didn't seem fond of the idea of you joining at first. Then, after a week she seemed pretty alright with the idea. You were clean, you were kind, if she asked you to do something, you'd do it. You now even shared a room. Both of you were insomniacs with your own shitshows of trauma. After a late night of warm milk and a discussion, the friendship formed.

Jesper though, seemed friendly from the start. He had a project in mind. The "out" list, he called it. What were things that you wanted to do that you couldn't do because of your prison time or home situation? He wanted you to write it down and he'd try to help make it happen. You had this strange security of this group. They helped mend the pieces Hellgate broke and made them new.

You sat cross legged in a chair beside him watching the rain. Jesper looked at you with a grin. "Aye. That bit, line three." He said. You looked over.

"What?"

"Dance in the rain." He said.

"Oh that's ridiculous." Inej laughed.

"Still. Haven't you ever felt like... free enough to do it. Like just....dance?" You asked. She shook her head and you perked up, along with Jesper. "What?" Inej asked. Jesper got up, taking your hand.

"Come onnn!" You said to her. She shook her head.

"I'll have fun without my cold, thank you." She said.

"Party pooper" Jesper said, running outside with you.

Kaz stepped out of his office, papers in hand as he prepared to walk outside. He looked up though when he heard muffled laughing. Inej shook her head with a smile as her and Kaz watched you play in the rain with Jesper. "What is she doing?" Kaz asked.

"She's enjoying her time being free." Inej said, watching you. Jesper picked you up in a hug, spinning you around as you laughed.

Kaz couldn't explain it. That smile, that radiant laugh. He had only known you two weeks and he seemed to enjoy the fact that you seemingly fit right into the Dregs. Hell, even stone cold Xander at the bar enjoyed your presence. You had this way of making people naturally fall in love with you, whether it be platonic or romantic.

You took Jesper's hat, giggling as he pretended to fall at your feet. The rain was your favorite, even in the Hellgate. It helped tell you a passage of time, it also masked that smell of death the nearby island caused. Now that you were out, you loved the rain even more. That feeling of it on your skin, the freedom to walk in it, actually walk without being on a chained leash. You weren't held by those chains anymore.

Kaz cleared his throat, Inej biting back an urge to smile. She knew Kaz, as much as he didn't want to admit it, was definitely falling for you, just like everyone else. If anything it was worse because it definitely wasn't platonic and it didn't just end with a sexual desire. If he had you, he wanted all of you. Not just your body but your heart and soul. He wanted to know you beyond what he had seen already, and Inej knew that.

"You could join them, you know." Inej said.

"And catch a cold?" He asked sarcastically.

"I don't believe that's stopping them." She said.

"What are they even doing out there?" Kaz asked. "Well, they're dancing." She said.

"Yes, I see that they're dancing Inej, why are they dancing?" He asked.

"Jesper and her have some sort of list and they're checking off one of the things on the list." She said.

"What, like a shopping list?" Kaz asked.

"No like a bucket list." Inej corrected.

"A what?"

"Saints Kaz- a bucket list. A list of things you want to do before you die." He looked at her confused.

"Is she dying?"

"No, she just has a list of things she wants to do now that she's free. I said it was like a bucket list, not actually a bucket list." Inej said with a sigh.

Inej reached over into your bag, handing him a folded piece of paper. He read it. You had at least eighty things on that list. They were things Kaz didn't even think anyone would actually desire. "See the stars in the country, lay in a field of flowers. These are all so... trivial." He said.

"Yeah but as someone who didn't have that freedom to make it trivial, it means the world to her." Inej said. Kaz looked at the list again and rose a brow.

"She doesn't know how to swim." He said.

"Hmm?" She asked. He showed her a bullet point.

"Learn to swim." Inej shrugged. Kaz noticed one bullet point that caught his eye. "Kiss someone I love" was written below learning to swim.

"Y'know, if you want to get to know her better, you could actually talk to her." Inej said. Kaz frowned.

"I don't want to get to know her." He said.

"Right, so you're just contently watching her and Jesper because you're not intrigued by her personality." She said, looking at him. He opened his mouth but closed it, looking at her with a glare. "I'm just saying, if you want to know her, you can spend time with her." Inej said. Kaz rolled his eyes.

"We have a job we need to discuss." He said. Inej sighed, grabbing her coat. The two walked out and Kaz looked at you and Jesper.

"You're going to catch a cold " Kaz said.

"Oh but a fun one, isn't that right Y/n?" Jesper asked. You let out a laugh, one that nearly made him weak in the knees.

"We have a job in the morning. Y/n, be in the Slat office." He said.

"Just me?" You asked. Inej looked over at him, biting back a smirk.

"Just you." He nodded.

You gave a small salute with a grin. "You got it" You said before Jesper scooped you up. You giggled and Kaz cleared his throat to bite back that smile that was forming.

"Have fun with your pneumonia." He said sarcastically.

"We will" Jesper laughed.

The next morning you made for his office, standing at his desk. "I'm surprised you don't have a cold." Kaz said, not looking up from papers.

"Jesper does. I'm used to the cold and damp weather." You shrugged. He nodded. "So, am I going alone?" You asked.

"No." He said. "Oh. I figured it was just me here-"

"I'm going with you." He said. You rose a brow.

"What?" You asked.

"Jesper has seen how you work, Inej has seen how you work, yet I haven't seen it." He said. You shrugged.

"Alright, where are we going?" You asked.

"Financial district." He said. You nodded.

"Alright, lead the way." You said. He got up, walking out with you. The rain from yesterday had stopped, the sun barely peaking out from behind the clouds. You seemed to take note of the rain drops that were still dripping off of awnings. You had a smile on your face, looking at the crows that sat on the edges of the buildings.

"Inej tells me you have a list." He said.

"The whole thing was Jesper's idea." You said.

"It sounds like something he'd come up with." He said. You nodded.

"I love the list though. It makes me live life to the fullest." You said, Kaz looking at you with a brow raised.

"What things are on the list, exactly?" He asked, as if he didn't read the damn thing in full.

"Eh. Simple stuff. Dance in the rain, lay in a field of flowers. Cheesy stuff like that." You shrugged.

"Mm. Sounds... time consuming." He said.

"Well yeah but it's worth it." You said.

"If you say so." He said, walking.

"So what is this job exactly?" You asked.

"Do you know who an Alvia Warner is?" He asked. You shook your head.

"Very wealthy." He said. You nodded, smelling the faint scent of coffee.

"Y'know... it occurs to me that I work for you but I don't know anything about you." You said. He looked over.

"You can ask me things, I might not answer." He said simply.

"Do you like coffee?" You asked.

"Yes." He answered.

"Do you read?" You asked.

"On occasion."

"Hobbies?" You asked.

"None."

"Surely you've got at least one."

"I make my enemies terrified to sleep at night." He answered.

"Alright then." You said.

"If we're being open, what about you?" He asked.

"What about me?" You asked.

"Where are you from?" He asked. You showed a visible discomfort.

"Djerholm" you answered. Kaz stopped and you turned.

"You are nobility?" He asked, staring at you with a slight sense of betrayal.

"No. My family is nobility, I am disowned. I'm just me." You said.

"Why were you disowned?" Kaz asked.

"I didn't wish to wed a man." You said walking again. Kaz followed you.

"I was forced into an arranged marriage where I would've been the subject of a very cruel hearted man. I would've been forced to bare his children, I would've been beaten regularly by him, I would've most likely died by his hand. So I had a choice. Stay there and die, or leave and fight." You said. Kaz found that to be a respectable answer.

"What makes you so sure that you would've died?" Kaz asked.

"Because a girl married him six months after I left. She was found dead with a letter opener in her throat." You said.

Kaz was shocked by this answer.

"Do Inej and Jesper know?" He asked.

"Of course they do. We live in the same complex and I share a room with Inej. Plus, my mannerisms don't exactly scream Ketterdam." You said. So Kaz was the only one unaware of your background. Maybe Inej was right, maybe he did need to actually be around you more.

"Why the sudden curiosity about me?" You asked.

"I gave you food, a bed, a job and yet I have no idea who you are. You should know, I do not like not knowing things that are crucial, so if you have anything else in your bag like another bloodthirsty sister, I'd appreciate it if you told me." He said.

"I have only one other sister and she wouldn't hurt a fly. Eloise is married, with two children. She married a good man. She used to write to me before... Hellgate." You explained.

"Mm. So I must ask. What made Pekka notice you?" Kaz asked. You sighed.

"You pick enough locks, people notice. You charm enough people, their tongues will wag your name eventually in conversation. I wasn't exactly offered a position, my sister found me because of my name being brought up. So she decided to fight dirty. She offered me up to Pekka. She tried to sell me to him." You said. Kaz felt disgusted by this statement. "When I managed to escape him multiple times, they got crafty. Cornered me, framed me and then put me in prison." You said.

"In Pekka's prison." Kaz muttered.

"Exactly. It gave him that control he wanted." You said.

"May I ask a question?" You asked. There it was. Now that it was pointed out, Kaz noticed your polite demeanor.

"Fine."

"How did you manage to break me out without someone looking for me afterwards?" You asked.

"Simple. We found a corspe that looked like you and put it on the rocks." Kaz said.

"But you hadn't met me yet, how did you know-"

"Dahlia showed us a picture." Kaz said.

"Mm." Was all you said.

Kaz noticed that face you made when Dahlia was mentioned. Regret and sadness. "Was Dahlia always like that?" He asked.

"No. Father's cruelty made her that way." You answered.

"Abusive?" Kaz asked.

"He wanted sons. He got three daughters." You said. Kaz grimaced.

"I've never understood the patriarchal bullshit the rich have come up with. Two of my finest crows are women for fuck's sake." Kaz sighed. You laughed, looking at him. He was confused by your reaction.

"Sorry-sorry. For someone who typically keeps his nose out of politics, I find it hilarious that you have such a strong opinion on that." You said. He shrugged.

"I just find it stupid." He said.

"It is stupid." You agreed with a small chuckle

"then we're in agreement, that it's stupid." He said.

When you finally got to the financial district, the afternoon had almost drifted into the evening. You followed Kaz through a small area, leading to a stone wall. He looked at it, clutching his cane. "Warner isn't home, she's at some harbor. Either way, you need to jump the fence and unlock it from the back so I can get in." He said. You nodded. "Now I can try to give you a boost-"

"no need." You said, already backing away from the wall.

You charged full speed at the wall, gaining a good footing before jumping over. You landed next to a sundial, seeing the various gardening tools poking out of a small wood shed nearby. The garden itself was beautiful and had you had the time and were by yourself, you absolutely would've explored more. However, you walked to the back entrance, unlocking it and motioning for Kaz to enter.

He walked with you as you shut the gate, motioning for him to lead the way. He approached a door and you kneeled to the lock. "Does she have any security measures?" You asked.

"None that the casers found." He answered, you nodding as you picked the lock. There was a soft click in a matter of seconds that surprised Kaz. He didn't think that he could even do it that fast.

You walked in, looking around at the home. It was nice, there was no doubt about it. White walls bordered with brown panelings aligned the wall, the sun creeping through the window. You walked. "So we're looking for what exactly?" You asked.

"Documents." He said, walking. You opened a door, revealing a bathroom. You closed it, walking to the foyet. It was a nice home, reminded you almost of the one you grew up in. However your father seemed to take to the color black than the warm red that this home had. This house felt like a home. That place would never be home to you.

You noticed a door, opening it. Or at least tried to open it. It was locked, and you had been doing this long enough to know that locked doors inside a locked house meant something was in that room. Something of value.

You knelt to the lock, picking it. You kept your hand on a dagger just in case something had gone unchecked. It was an empty office, much to your relief. "Kaz" you called. He walked over, nodding.

"This would be where they are." He said walking in. You followed behind, looking at the various shelves.

You saw many classics on the wall, some of which were in different languages. You were rather impressed with the collection. Kaz however, had a frown on his face as he rummaged through the drawers.

"Where the hell is this woman keeping it?" He asked.

"Keeping what?" You asked.

"There is money mixed with the documents. There's nothing here." He said.

"Money mixed with it? What are we looking for? Mortage payments? Taxes?"

"A dowry." He said.

You stared at him. "Kaz, why the hell are we looking for a dowry?" You asked.

"Because, multiple reasons. One, money." He said, still shuffling through the papers.

"And?"

"Two, sabotage." He said. You rose a brow. "Where would you hide a dowry?" He asked. You walked over to the desk, sitting at the chair. "Seriously? Do you need a break right now-"

You noticed a botton under the desk, pressing it and opening a secret compartment. He looked at you. "Sometimes you have to see it from their perspective." You shrugged getting up. Kaz opened the compartment, occasionally looking over his shoulder at you with slight bewilderment.

"Alright. It's here." He said.

"Why sabotage the marriage?" You asked.

"Tax reasons. This marriage goes through, she becomes a high ranked chair. Taxes go up, then it becomes harder to live." He said.

"Didn't take you as a tax evader." You said.

"I'm a criminal of many sorts." He said. You looked and noticed a letter.

You picked it up, reading it. Kaz counted the money to make sure she wasn't too clever, hiding it in several places. Instead it appeared she just stopped at a secret button, much to his relief. You had a frown on your face. "Let's go-"

"Kaz. This marriage is the least of our worries." You said. He looked up. You handed him the letter.

"...Shit."

"I know." You said.

It appears the clever little Alvia was prepared to execute her plan no matter if she married into the vote. Her plan was that if she didn't marry her, she'd have a friend go through with it instead, convincing this Killian fellow to vote for her spot.

You sighed. "What do we do?" You asked.

"It seems that it's a backed up plan. Taking this will do nothing." He said.

"Well it gives you money." You said.

"I can't believe this. How did we not know this?" He asked.

"She might know someone is on this path." You said.

He sighed, running a hand down his face. You had an idea come to mind. "We could sabotage the match." You said.

"Kill one of them?" He asked.

"No. Because if we kill him, that leaves the open seat." You said.

"So kill Alvia." He said.

"That leaves him to find someone else like her to be put in position." You said. Kaz sighed.

"And people wonder why I don't give two shits about politics. Kill them both!" He said.

"Leaves the seat open still and then we're back to square one unless you want a go at the seat." You said.

"I think I'd rather die." He said.

"Exactly. We throw a wrench in the plan." You said.

"How?" He asked.

"We give him another option." You said.

"...I'm still not understanding this." He said.

"You put a different girl in front of him. Look, I know these people, they're easily distracted by pretty shit, especially men. So put a pretty girl like say, me, in front of him and he's too distracted to get married to her. Once the vote of chairs goes through, he hasn't put the money on anyone noteworthy." You said. Kaz stared at you in awe.

"You just came up with this?" He asked.

"Again. Grew up in this. I know how to play the game." You said.

"No kidding." He said. You sighed.

"We need to leave before this woman comes back." You said.

"Agreed. Let's go." He said.

You both headed back, the sun slowly setting as you two walked. Kaz recalled a point on your list. "Hey, follow me for a moment." He said.

"Shortcut?" You asked.

"Something like that." He said. You followed him to a ladder, him tossing his cane up before going up. You were confused but followed him up.

You walked for a little bit before Kaz sat down. "Sit." He said. You obeyed, sitting next to him. The entire time you had been looking at Kaz, trying to figure out what he was doing. You chose to follow his gaze this time, looking at a beautiful sunset.

"Woah" you said surprised.

"I might have taken a look at the list." He admitted. You looked over at him.

"I thought it was time consuming?" You said confused.

"It is. But sometimes it's alright to take a moment to use that time." He said. You smiled slightly, turning back to the view.

"I owe you a lot you know." You said. He looked over.

"Quite a few people do." He said.

"I owe you my life." You said, not taking your eyes off the view.

"I wouldn't go that far-"

"You broke me out of Hellgate. Then when the job went wrong you took me in. You saved my life." You said looking at him.

"Why bring this up?" He asked.

"Because I want you to know that even though we don't know everything about each other, I still will trust you." You said. You sighed. "I don't expect you to trust me. I've heard your faith in others runs very thin. But if you ever need me, you need only to call on me." You said.

Kaz had heard someone pledge their undying loyalty to him before. People tend to be grateful when you give them food when their near the verge of starvation. However, this was the first time he believed in that loyalty. He didn't know how to respond to that. "You're right." He said, looking forward. "I don't trust easily." He said getting up.

Kaz, the entire walk back hadn't said anything else. You didn't know if you upset him or what but it was clear Kaz was in his head. Truth be told he realized what he had wasn't a damn crush at all. This wasn't going to just go away with time like the bit with Inej. He had fallen in love with you and that made him upset.

"Love is vulnerability" he told himself. "Love is a weakness." He hated that feeling. He wanted to yell at you, tell you off and say that you were an annoyance. But everytime he looked at you all he could think was that he could never say that to someone so pure of heart. Which was odd to him because he literally watched you beat a man to death with his cane. However that didn't seem to affect that purity in his mind.

You both entered the crow club, Kaz sighing and sitting at the bar. "Job go well?" Inej asked sitting next to him. You sat with Jesper at a table, slinging your legs over his. "It went... fine." He said. "You got that dowry you wanted, right?" She asked.

"Yes but it seems Alvia has a bigger plan." He said.

"What?"

Kaz explained the situation to Inej, her sighing. "Of fucking course the one job we take with a politician gets messy." She sighed.

"Precisely why I tried to tell Per Haskell to not fucking do it." He sighed.

"It was his idea?" Inej asked.

"Yes! Which I understand why, but I know he's going to go with Y/n's plan which will take up a ton of time!" He said frustrated. She blinked.

"Y/n has a plan?" Inej asked.

So you all sat at a table as you broke down the idea you had in the study. Kaz seemed to agree that the plan would definitely work, the only issue was that something seemed to irk him about it and Jesper could not figure out why. "Well there's just one issue with the plan." Inej said, sitting back.

"Yes?" You asked.

"Say we do it. It works, she's not in the chair, all is well in Ketterdam. What about Killian?" She asked.

"What about Killian?" Kaz asked, looking at her.

"We can't just have her be a distraction and then disappear, it'll be obvious what happened and people will come looking." Inej said.

"Shit." Kaz sighed.

"Well I thought about that actually." You said.

"Look at our girl being all smart over here." Jesper teased. You rolled your eyes but continued.

"A love triangle."

Inej rose a brow.

"What?" Kaz and Jesper asked.

"A love triangle. It's a good way to cut it off. Just have one of the guys do a fake proposal." You shrugged.

"Well we can't just send one in to randomly propose." Inej said. What was Inej doing?

"You'll have to just keep close to one of the guys at social engagements so it appears you're at least familiar with them." Inej said.

Kaz then realized what Inej was doing.

"Hm. That should do the trick to have it not lead back to us." Jesper agreed.

"I know, I'm a genius." You said, satisfied with the plan.

"Well boys, who should do it?" Inej asked, looking directly at Kaz.

"Jesper has the most chemistry with her." Kaz said. You and Jesper both cringed.

"Uhm... Jesper isn't-"

"We're definitely not-"

"No offense but... ew." You said.

"Offense slightly taken! I'm ew!?" Jesper asked. "No not visually! I just mean that it'd be like trying to romance my brother it's..." both you and Jesper shuddered.

"Yeah no, Kaz you're going to have to step up." Jesper agreed. Inej seemed satisfied with her input, a smug smirk on her lips.

"Fine." Kaz sighed.

"Then it's settled." You nodded.

"Yep." Kaz sighed.

"Well then, how about a round?" You asked.

"I can go for one." Jesper said.

"I feel in the spirit to drink as well." Inej said.

"Care to join us boss?" You asked Kaz. He sighed, looking at Inej and then you. He was going to have to spend a lot of time with you regardless. He was apparently now supposed to fake being in love with you. He had to get close to you and he had learned through Inej and Jesper that a good way to form a bond, was through drinking with them after a mission.

"I'll stay for one drink."

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Do you ever just think about the horrendously painful poetic justice that one day when Kaz dies he’ll be forced to go to the Reaper’s Barge one last time, that ultimately his running from it in his mind is futile because it’s his inevitable end, that Inej might even watch him go not knowing the full truth because he never told her about that part, or are you normal?

[sophierequests]

Hi! If I can't describe how much I love ur writing and how talented you are but may I request something? The reader is the definition of 'sweetheart' and they're from Ravka and misses home and even if they don't want to leave Kaz side, he still sends them to travel with Inej (even if it painful for him) and after staying there for a while they one day surprise him at his office and Kaz is just so happy. You don't have to write it by the way, take your time and take care<3 thank you

right where you left me

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Requests

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x gn!Reader

A/N: Aww, thank you so much <3 That's so sweet! I hope you like this too :D I procratinated a bit and had the draft sitting in my Google Docs for quite some time, but I finally had enough time/motivation to get it done. Also, my exam phase has started, so content in general may come out a little bit slower <3

Summary: Kaz sends the reader off to go travel with Inej, but didn't expect him missing them this much.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort elements, but mainly Fluff (???)

Word Count: 6.1K

Warnings: Poor (barely any) proofreading, mention of drinking and being drunk, forgetting to eat

“Inej!” you squealed as the familiar frame of your friend slipped into the living room. A wide smile graced her vibrant face as she opened her arms to engulf you in a tight hug. It had been roughly four months since she last docked in Ketterdam, so you were barely able to contain your excitement of finally seeing her again. 

“Missed me?” she laughed as she pulled away, letting her gaze wander from you to an almost contended-looking Kaz. The rare sight of a genuine smirk tugged at the corners of his lips, accompanied by something dangerously close to a blush while he purposefully avoided her knowing glances. He looked like a besotted teenage boy, and it was hard not to notice.

Of course Inej knew the cause of this. She had known both of you long enough to be painfully aware of the effect you had on him; the effect you had on each other. You were intoxicating, a brief smile or laugh made him stumble even deeper into his dependency on you. And how could he not? You were the sun personified; warm and gentle and far too kind. He had told her once that he considered letting you go; you were all too good for the Barrel, and he couldn’t allow it to swallow you whole - the same as it had him. But it was clear that he’d never bring himself to do so. It was an act of complete selfishness to keep you here. He needed you to be around. He needed to know that you were around. The thought of you being out of his reach - albeit mainly metaphorically - unsettled him.

“They dragged me out of my office in the middle of a heist plan to sit here and wait for you to arrive. I suppose ‘missing you’ doesn’t quite cut it,” Kaz commented dryly, rolling his shoulders in a futile attempt to regain his composure.

“You were closer to falling asleep at your desk than getting anywhere with that damned heist planning, Brekker. Don’t act like you didn’t appreciate me forcing you to take care of yourself every once in a while.” His mouth opened for a split second, another one of his sarcastic comments starting to form on the tip of his tongue. He quickly swallowed it after Inej gave him an endearing grin.

You had intended to say something else in response to Kaz’s unusual silence to your light-hearted jabs, but suddenly, you remembered a conversation you had a few days prior. “Oh! Do you mind if I leave you two alone for a bit? I promised Jes to notify him the second you arrive.” You leaned a bit closer toward Inej, acting as if you were about to tell her something no one else was allowed to hear. “I think it’s about his plan to propose to Wylan soon, but you don’t know that from me. He thinks he’s being sly, but he really isn’t.”

Inej laughed, shaking her head before sending you off with a faint slap to the shoulder. You were out of the room before Kaz could put in his two cents.

When they heard the resounding click of the main door being shut, they knew that they were truly alone now. Anyone else would have been uneasy at the thought of being in the same room with the Bastard of the Barrel without having some other sort of company. But in this light, even the infamous Dirtyhands was nothing more but a lovesick boy, fully at the mercy of a person that held his heart in an undeniably firm grasp. 

“How long can we expect you to stay in Ketterdam?” He knew exactly what she would ask him if he hadn’t started the conversation first, so he did everything in his power to keep her from speaking his feelings into reality.

She sauntered over to the table, taking the seat across from him with an exaggerated sigh. “Two weeks.” Her hands were idly clasped together in front of her, making it appear like she was trying to strike up a business deal instead of having an amicable chat with an old friend. "How long can we expect you to wait until you finally confess to them?” 

Her bluntness definitely startled him more than he cared to admit. It wasn’t every day that someone dared to talk to him like that. “I don’t see how this topic has any relevance in our current conversation,” he mumbled, averting his gaze to look basically anywhere else but her eyes.

“If you say so,” she snorted, still opting to not create any unwanted tension on her first day of being back.

“Where will you be headed after these two weeks?”

A sheepish smile crept onto her face as she contemplated his question. “I received news from Sturmhond that would like to have a chat about the recent slaver fleets I… took care of. We’ll be docking in Os Kervo for quite some time. I’ll probably also meet up with Nina after she’s back from Fjerda. I haven't seen her in so long.”

“Ravka…” he sighed, his thoughts involuntarily landing back on you again.

Even though he couldn’t find much beauty in the vast Ravkan countryside and its ill-constructed cities or palaces, he knew that you missed your home dearly. You had been homesick ever since he had offered you to work with the Crows long-term, and he began to feel bad for rarely ever acknowledging it. At first, he had expected you to get over it eventually, but the more time he spent with you, the more he was assured that this wouldn’t be the case. Hypothetically, he could offer you to take a few weeks off to see your home and family. He’d need to find an appropriate excuse to let you go this easily, but lying had never been a weakness of his. However, this idea would also entail not seeing you for at least a handful of weeks, and he couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to do that.

“Y/N is going to be so happy to hear that I’ll be staying there for a bit. I promised them to check in on their family if I ever got the chance to go to Ravka,” Inej smiled woefully, knowing that merely hearing about your parents would probably already make you miss them more. “They gave me some letters for them when I last left Ketterdam. Now I finally have the chance to giv-”

“How much additional trouble would it be to take someone else with you?” Kaz interjected suddenly, schooling his expression in order to not betray the apprehension lingering behind his eyes.

“What?” 

“Has the air pressure at sea made you go deaf? How much trouble would it be to have an unplanned passenger with you? At least until you arrive in Os Alta. Well, and preferably also on your way back.” 

The hesitant, but defensive, tone in his voice told Inej everything she needed to know, but she still decided to entertain his implied suggestion. “It wouldn’t be any trouble. Well, depending on whom this 'unplanned passenger' might be."

“Good.” He paused, internally questioning whether this decision would be the right one to make. It was clear that it was what he needed to do, but he wasn't sure if he had the strength to go through with it. "Then I'd like to make a request, Captain Ghafa."

"You request I take Y/N with me when I leave for Ravka." He mentally shooed away the frown that threatened to crease his face. She was right, that was exactly what he wanted to ask her. But hearing her say the words out loud forced the vague idea to manifest into reality. And knowing that she could read him this easily deflated his ego quite a bit.

"Yes. I want you to take them with you. Let them see something else than the Barrel. Let them go home to their family. And…" And bring them back home, back to me, his mind finished.

Inej tilted her head to the side ever so slightly, biting away the impulse of asking him to continue his sentence. Instead, she opted to ask something different, “Are you sure?”

“Sure of what? Letting them go with you? I’m certain they’ll be able to handle themself just fine. If you thi-”

“Are you sure that you’re okay with letting them go?” His fingers flexed around his cup, visibly trying to hide the concern this comment had installed in him.

“It’s not like I’m letting them go forever, Inej,” he retorted, his voice sounding terribly unsure. “I trust you to bring them back safely on your next journey to Ketterdam.”

“That’s not what I meant, Kaz. Don’t act dense.” She was testing his limits and she knew it, yet she still continued. “We’ll be gone for multiple months. They’ll be gone for multiple months. And, as much as I hate to say it, there’s still the possibility of them choosing to stay with their family. Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

He hadn’t thought of her last point. Would you really consider not coming back to Ketterdam? Deep down he knew that there was nothing that kept you here. The Crows weren’t a set team anymore, you’d probably have no issues finding a new job in Ravka, and it wasn’t like he and you were in a relationship. If you wanted to leave, you could pack up tomorrow without having to worry about anything else but your next pay cheque. And knowing Kaz, you likely wouldn’t even have to worry about that either.

“I could give them a year off if that would be needed. I can take care of myself just fine, no matter whether they are here or not,” Kaz evaded the actual meaning of Inej’s words with much more clumsiness than he had hoped to convey. “And as long as they’re still working with me, I’ll at least expect them to come back to break off their contract.”

“Very well then. I suppose the Wraith has an additional passenger when we next leave the harbour.” She gave him a tight nod as a sort of confirmation. An unsaid promise to keep you safe. “You’ll be the one to tell them though. I’m not willing - nor able - to explain how deep your soft spot for them actually goes.”

“I do not have a soft spot for them.”

“You do not have a soft spot for whom?” Jesper’s overly cheery voice appeared at the threshold of the door, his breath ragged and cheeks flushed by the torturous climb up the stairs.

“No one,” Kaz and Inej answered almost synchronously, earning a slightly befuddled scowl from the antsy sharpshooter.

“Alright, alright, I was just asking.” He held up his hands defensively, dropping them as soon as you squeezed past him. Thankfully, you arrived just in time to miss their little squabble. “Anyway, look who’s back!” His attention flickered completely towards Inej, immediately moving towards her to trap her in his ramblings. 

Kaz took that as his cue to leave them to it. “Y/N? I have something to talk to you about. Follow me.” He didn’t wait for you to give him a vocal response, turning on his heel to take the last few stairs up to his office. Nevertheless, reluctant footsteps echoed behind him as he entered his tidy office space.

Wordlessly, he sat down behind his desk, gesturing for you to take the seat across from him. Suddenly, everything felt uncomfortably stiff. It wasn’t at all like sitting at the living room table and talking to you just for the sake of it. But this was business after all, he thought begrudgingly.

“What is it you wanted to talk to me about?” you inquired slowly, accepting the offered seat with one leg tucked underneath you. He could sense the fear you emitted and it made him wonder what you were expecting him to say.

“Inej will leave for Ravka in two weeks,” he stated matter-of-factly. He needed to flush this out of his system as emotionless as possible, or else he might not be able to watch you go. A clean cut heals faster. “I want you to go with her.” It was foolish to hope that you would have no follow-up questions to a remark this sudden.

“You want me to leave?” You straightened your back, eyes wide and brows furrowed. His point clearly flew right over your head.

“No, I mean, yes.” The grave he was beginning to dig for himself looked more comfortable than genuinely having to finish this conversation. “I want you to go with her so that you can see your family. She already ensured that it would be no problem to take you with her, in case you worry about what she thinks about it.”

“My family? Why? I don’t understand?” Unease began to seep through you. Did something happen? Did he know something you didn’t? 

He heaved a sigh, making a steeple of his fingers, a futile attempt to keep his hands in order. “You’ve been distracted lately.” He held up his hand to dismiss your incoming attempt at defending yourself. “And I don’t blame you; you’re homesick. I can’t force you to stay here, and if you miss your home, I can only advise you to take the trip.”

“Kaz, I can’t possibly leave for what could end up being months. This is still my job,” you had to stifle a chuckle, thinking that all of this was some sort of tasteless joke.

“And I’m still your boss. Hence why I am free to give you as much time off as you need to reconnect with your family." Even if it ends up in you choosing to leave permanently. 

“Why would you do that?” You couldn’t quite grasp his reasons. As far as you knew, your performance hadn’t decreased, you weren’t to blame for a job failing, and you didn’t give him any reason to doubt your usefulness. There had to be something more to it.

“A distracted Crow is a dead one.” And I don’t want to lose you like this. “A bit of time away from the Barrel would do you some good. I expect you to be well-rested and fully functional once you return.” I want you to be happy when you return. If you choose to do so.

You stared at him for a bit longer, unable to form any coherent sentence that wouldn’t make you want to start crying. There was a foreign roundness to his words; something almost akin to kindness. He had never been cruel to you, but an offer this grand exceeded your expectations.

“Thank you,” you managed to force out without having your voice shiver or quake. “I mean it, Kaz. Thank you.” He had half-expected you to stand up and go back downstairs after agreeing to his offer. However, you stayed seated, a glint of hesitation pooling in your eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving? I really don’t want to give you more work by be-”

“Y/N,” he warned, resisting the urge to chide you for your distrust in his decision-making. “I want you to take this time off. It’s fine. I’m not bargaining for what I can’t handle.”

“I just wanted to make sure.” Your previously perplexed expression was replaced by a playful grin, indicating that the majority of your doubts had ebbed away by now. “Just in case I have to brace myself for a mountain of letters begging me to come back.”

“In your dreams.”

Both Kaz and you were quite startled by how quickly the two weeks trickled by. Inej stayed at the Slat during her time in Ketterdam, spending her days joining you on heists, playing the engagement planner for Jesper and Wylan, and just barely surviving all that unresolved romantic tension between you and Kaz.

The evening before you were supposed to leave, Wylan and Jesper invited you to some sort of farewell party for you and Inej. It was terribly cheesy, especially since everyone’s favourite sharpshooter decided to amp up his theatrics to the max. You occasionally had to remind him that you were not leaving forever and that you’d most definitely be back in a few months. 

When you returned to your own room, the only thing you wanted to do was sleep. It had been a long day spent packing and finishing the few last tasks that Kaz had given you. The anticipation of being only mere days away from seeing your family again had ebbed away, replaced by exhaustion and worry. Not the worry of going back to Ravka; it was the worry of leaving Kaz behind without anyone to take care of him. It was a foolish fear, the man was old enough to survive a few months of being left alone. And in reality, he wouldn’t be alone. Jesper and Wylan would still be right around the corner in case he needed anything. But you knew that it wouldn’t be the same without you. And he knew it too.

Before you could finally crawl into the comfort of your bed, you were forced to pause. Right in the dead centre of your mattress laid something shiny, haphazardly covered by a folded piece of parchment. You were hesitant to touch it at first, mentally assessing the possibility of it being a trap. However, your curiosity overtook your cautious stance. 

You swatted the paper to the side, revealing a stunning dagger you didn’t recognise. The black handle was covered in intricate lines and symbols, making the whole weapon a piece of art in its own right. You pulled the dagger out of its shaft, revealing a slim, double-edged blade that looked almost too delicate to cause any serious harm. 

After putting the knife down next to you, you picked up the piece of paper, carefully unfolding it in hopes of finding out who might’ve left it there. You didn’t even need to read the few scribbled words to get an answer to that. 

“While I do believe that you’ll be fine on your own, consider this an added layer of safety.

Safe travels,

K.B.”

It felt unreal. The same man that didn’t shrink away from ripping somebody else’s eyes out or bashing another person’s head in with his cane was now willing to send you off to your home country and gift you a pretty little dagger under the ruse of wanting you to be able to defend yourself. It made you giddy. 

Quickly, you shoved the knife into one of the side pockets of your bag, folding the note and tucking it away into the front pockets of your coat. He would probably sneer at you for holding onto something as worthless as a hastily written note, but to you, this meant the world.

On the day of your departure, the sky was thickly covered by a widespread sheet of dark storm clouds, announcing the approach of an upcoming storm. Perfect weather to embark on a ship for a week-long trip, you thought. You had packed everything you might need into the biggest bag you owned, which hung heavily on your shoulder as you approached the harbour. Inej’s small and compact travel bag next to yours made it seem like you were trying to abandon Ketterdam at once, rather than simply taking a short vacation to see your parents.

Much to Inej’s dismay, Kaz had decided to stay in his office, using the excuse of ‘having too much work’ and ‘not being able to indulge in matters this minuscule’. She could only scoff at that response but decided to not engage in his self-loathing musings. Her main focus was on getting you accustomed to her crew and the life on deck, so she couldn’t waste too much time thinking about a brooding emotionally stunted teenager.

You weren’t all that bothered by the fact that he stayed back. What Inej didn’t know was that he did say goodbye to you. Just in a very Kaz way. 

“So, Captain Ghafa,” you smiled, putting a lot of emphasis on her title. “Where’s our first stop?”

The loneliness was terrible. It shouldn’t be terrible. He had been alone all those years before you showed up and managed just fine. Why did he let it bother him so much now? 

But you didn’t know them all those years ago. You didn’t know what their absence felt like, so how could you have missed it? The nagging voice inside his head ridiculed him constantly. And the worst part was, that it was completely right.

He let his bare hand rake through his unruly hair, dropping it onto the table quite harshly as he began running out of things to put his focus on. Everything he did or thought of somehow circled back to you. Whenever he sat down at his desk to work, he imagined you sitting on the sofa across from him, skipping through one of his books while occasionally looking up at him with a bright smile on your lips. He couldn’t even eat breakfast in peace, because every time he entered the kitchen and the smell of freshly brewed coffee entered his nose, he wanted you to be the one sitting at the table, already having his cup sitting across from you. Three weeks was all that it took to make him regret all of the well-intentioned decisions he made in the spur of the moment.

Since rearranging the documents in front of him didn’t give him any sort of distraction, he decided to occupy his mind with something different. Well, a different stack of work: the upkeep of the Crow Club.

The club wasn’t busy during this time of the day, mainly filled with the usual day drinkers and gamblers that would waste their money until the early hours of the next morning. He let his gaze wander over the few occupied gambling tables and booths, taking in all the familiar and unfamiliar faces before weaving his way through the room. When he passed the bar, he had to do a double take to confirm that the person currently chatting up the bartender wasn’t you. He stopped dead in his tracks, unable to pry his eyes away from the scene in front of him.

That was until he heard his name being called, instantly snapping him out of his stupor. Jesper and Wylan sat only a few barstools away from him, amusedly waving him over to join them in whatever senseless discussion they had currently going on. Against his better judgement, he strolled over to them. He was in desperate need of a distraction. Any type of distraction.

“How close to insanity are you?” Maybe not that type of distraction.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Jesper,” Kaz warned, leaning his back against the counter and closing his eyes. 

The two boys exchanged a knowing smile, fully intending on using this situation to annoy their friend. Jesper loosened his grip on the full shot glass, smoothly sliding it over to Kaz. Maybe a little bit of alcohol could remove the stick up his ass. “Their absence has taken a toll on you, hasn’t it?”

Kaz grunted in dismay, picking up the shot glass and downing it in one swift motion. A muscle in his jaw popped as he clenched his jaw, wallowing in the usually welcome feeling of sharp bitter alcohol running down his throat. Now, drinking just felt like a cheap means to an end. 

But at least it was a mean to an end. Without thinking about it, he ordered more alcohol.

“Y’know, they would definitely tell you off for drinking this early,” Wylan chuckled, immediately regretting it after seeing the disgruntled glare Kaz passed him. 

“Their opinion doesn’t concern me. I have other, more important, things to take into consideration.” He tried so hard to be convincing, however, Jesper’s excruciatingly loud snort told him that that ship had sailed, wrecked and sunk to the bottom of the True Sea in a matter of seconds. 

“For a man that lies for a living, you’re quite shit at it,” the sharpshooter chuckled, shaking his head disapprovingly while Kaz continued to sulk. It was honestly painful to watch. “Admit it, you miss them.”

“Whatever armchair psychology you’re currently trying to submit me to is not working. I don’t have any deeper feelings for them than I have for the other people that work with me, so watch your tone.” The bartender placed a fresh glass of whiskey next to him, setting it down quite loudly to get him to register it. Kaz didn’t even spare him one look before putting the whole thing to his lips. He hoped that occupying himself with something other than talking would stop him from vocalising his honest thoughts.

“No one ever implied that you had feelings for them. But how telling that that’s the first thing you get so defensive about.” Jesper gave him a shameless grin, knowing that he had most definitely won the unspoken argument between them. “And, just so you know, whatever it is you’re feeling, they’re very likely to reciprocate it.” He flashed him a playful wink when he finished talking. It was the best kind of pep-talk he could offer, and it probably fell on deaf ears anyway.

“Don’t you have literally anything else to do? Anything that does not involve getting on my last nerve,” Kaz grumbled, finishing his drink and attempting to push himself away from the counter. However, when he tried to do so, he suddenly felt very light-headed, his body almost beginning to topple forward. His hand moved to cling to the edge of the counter, steadying himself almost desperately. The alcohol must have gotten to his head way quicker than expected. 

“Woah, hold on there!” Jesper slid off his stool, holding his arms out in front of his friend to cushion the expected fall. “Are you okay, Kaz?”

“Are you drunk?” Wylan added with a bit too much delight in his voice. 

“Nonsense, I barely had anything to drink,” he tried to defend himself, futilely.

“What did you have for breakfast then?” 

Breakfast. He didn’t have breakfast. He didn’t have breakfast since you left. Normally, you would have made sure to drag him down to the kitchen if need be. Without you, he simply forgot. If you’d get wind of this, you’d probably have a field day.

Inej had told him that it could take months for you to come back. She had explicitly warned him about the prospect of not seeing you for quite some time. Yet somehow, he hadn’t expected it to be genuinely true. 

Your departure was six long and torturous months ago, and his mind was running wild whenever an unknown ship docked at Fifth Harbour. Time passed, and it didn’t - it won’t - stop, no matter how hard he tried.

He had even attempted to contact Inej once in the hopes of getting a rough estimate of when he could expect you to return, but of course, the message was promptly returned to the sender. At this point, he wasn’t certain whether he’d ever get to see you again; the mere thought of you deciding to stay in Ravka pained him, but there was still a small twinge of hope, tying him to the idea of you coming back to him.

Another day without you passed, and Kaz had decided - well, Jesper forced him - to get out of his office, dragging him down to the club and into one of the booths to waste the evening drinking and exchanging stories. It was a small distraction from the constant anxiety rushing through him, but it was appreciated nonetheless. 

Until a very unbothered Rotty stalked towards their table, acting as if he was a misbehaving schoolboy that had been sent up to the headmaster’s office. “We have news from the Wraith,” he muttered, retrieving a folded note from the front pocket of his coat. The words made Kaz’s head spin, but the solemn look on Rotty’s face made him pause. 

Hesitantly, he took the piece of paper from his hands, waiting for the messenger to leave before he opened it. Jesper and Wylan stopped their chatter, almost holding their breaths in anticipation while they watched every micro-expression that washed over their friend’s face.

Kaz sighed when he took in the words in front of him. Even though he hadn’t expected anything, he still felt disappointed in what he got. The entire note was just an utterly impersonal notice, telling him that it would take her at least three more months to return to Ketterdam. There was no mention of your well-being or whereabouts, no note on how to contact you, nothing. 

“And? When will you be reunited with your- ow! Wylan, what was that for?” 

“Just shut it, Jes!” 

“They won’t be back for at least another three months,” he let out a huffed breath, tucking the piece of paper away in his breast pocket. Dismay was written all over his face as he stared down at this glass, unable to form a coherent thought that was not somewhat related to you.

Everyone knew the thoughts that clouded Kaz’s mind; mainly thoughts of you not coming back. Jesper wanted to say something encouraging, but the words died in his throat as soon as they formed. Instead, he quickly decided to change the topic, rambling on about some unimportant Ketterdam gossip Kaz wasn’t all that interested in. He still sat through it though.

On his way back to the Slat, he thought about all the work that would be waiting for him once he reached his office. Any other sensible person would have gone to bed by now, but he was far from being one, so sleeping was not an option. 

He trudged up the creaky staircase with heavy steps, alerting everyone unfortunate enough to be awake of his presence. His bad leg felt like an anchor that kept pulling him down to the ground, his hand occasionally having to press down on a sore spot when the pain got too unbearable.

It took him way longer than usual to reach the top of the stairs, heaving a harsh sigh when he saw the faint flicker of a light fanning out from underneath his office door. He couldn’t even be trusted to turn off his damned lamps now, could he?

As he went to unlock the door, another buzz of confusion surged through him. The door had already been unlocked. That couldn’t be. He could have sworn that he locked it before leaving for the club. Had he imagined that too? Was he genuinely starting to become insane?

Pushing these unwelcome thoughts to the side, he swiftly opened the door. All of this could be chalked up to him being tired and a bit distracted. He didn’t particularly like any of these ideas, but he needed something to blame his recent behaviour on. 

The room was faintly illuminated by the sparse light emitting from the oil lamp at the edge of his desk. It gave him the perfect view of the stack of unfinished paperwork, he chuckled internally. He limped over to his desk and let himself fall into his chair. Only now the real weight of the day hit him, a fully-loaded freight train running him over with full force. Saints, he was so tired. Resting his head in his hands, he let the silence of his office swallow him whole.

“Are you choosing to ignore me or did you really not notice me sitting here?” He jerked backwards, both hands holding on to the armrests of his chair in preparation to fight off whoever had the nerve to enter his office without his knowledge. His eyes were darting around the room wildly, latching on to every shadowed shape and figure that did as much as sway in the wind. 

A shape in the corner of his room stood up, stepping a bit closer to the desk and into the glow of his lamp. It was you. You looked just like you had left him; vibrant, glowing, and warm. Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him; maybe he just wanted it to be you. It all felt like a sick joke to him. You couldn’t be here. He would have known if that had been the case. He would have been the first to know.

“Kaz?” Your voice rang in his ears. Loud and clear. If this was an illusion, it was a damn convincing one. 

“Stop it,” he tried shooing the apparition away, waving a dismissive hand as he slowly began to put his focus on the work in front of him. Much to his surprise, you didn’t just disappear into thin air. You gave him an incredulous grin, accentuated by a ridiculing snort.

“I was expecting you to be a bit happier to see me again,” you fake-pouted, using your best Jesper impression to convey your theatrical hurt. 

This had to be real. As much as his mind may despise him, it couldn’t create images this livid; this real; this true. When the realisation struck him, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. His heart beat as if it was running a marathon, and he couldn’t help but feel dizzy. Not the kind of dizziness he felt after drinking on an empty stomach. Rather the kind of dizziness that makes your head spin and heart ache because you have no other way to deal with the immense array of feelings bubbling inside his chest. He didn’t recall the last time he felt like this.

After a period of silence that could have just as well lasted hours, he finally caught himself again. “You’re here,” he mumbled, still having trouble with coming to terms with the situation.

“Of course I am. Did you really think that I was going to never show up again? No faith, Brekker.” You smiled then, sitting on the edge of his desk to get a closer look at him. He looked exhausted, the eyebags under his eyes raising a stark contrast against his almost pallid skin. 

He sucked in a harsh breath, allowing his eyes to roam over his features for what felt like the hundredth time in the last few minutes. The smile that you were giving him made him feel uncharacteristically giddy, but for once in a while, it wasn’t a feeling he wanted to gag and lock away in the deepest depths of his conscience. For the first time in forever, he felt happy.

“I never doubted that you’d come back.” A lie of convenience, but you didn’t need to know that. “It’s just that Inej sent a message-”

“That she won’t be back in Ketterdam for at least another three months. I know.” You completed his sentence effortlessly, your hands mindlessly playing with one of his fountain pens. “Whatever she discussed with Sturmhond seems to be important enough to take a trip to Novyi Zem before she’d be able to set sail to Ketterdam.” You bit your lip in thought, contemplating what you were about to say next. “I didn’t feel like staying back for that long, so I took matters into my own hands and bought a ticket for the next best ship leaving for Kerch. It was great seeing my family again, but I missed the Dregs - as stupid as it sounds.”

Kaz chuckled, your words having an almost intoxicating effect on him. “Be assured that the Dregs missed you too.”

“Just the Dregs?” 

He hesitated. He’d been dying to see you again; to tell you the truth. Yet now, things felt way too real, pressing down on his ribcage with a force he couldn’t quite comprehend. He couldn’t hesitate forever though. “No, not just the Dregs.” Another pause, brief but intense. “I missed you too. Almost enough to send you a letter requesting you to come back.”

“And here I thought you gifting me a pretty dagger was the height of romance,” you laughed, watching in delight as his gaze flickered to the shiny weapon tightly strapped to your belt. He hadn’t thought about checking whether you had taken it with you, or whether you had just chalked it up to being a weird act of possessiveness. But seeing you wear it this openly ripped all the doubts away from his mind. “And, just for the record,” your hands flew to the breast pocket of your coat, carefully retrieving the familiar piece of paper he had added to the knife. “I missed you too.”

Taglist:

Grishaverse fics in general: @yesshewrites1 @dal-light

Kaz Brekker: @ell0ra-br3kk3r @juneberrie @writingmysanity @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @brekkers-desigirl @fall-writes @lastwandastan @etanordoesbullsh1t

[sky-neverending]

Wylan looked over at Jesper, bottom lip jutted out as he pleaded with him. “Please, Jes? Just for ten minutes, and then we can get back together.”

Jesper raised an eyebrow. “Let me get this straight. You want me to pretend to break up with you so you can belt Taylor Swift in the shower?”

“Yes,” responded Wylan. Jesper sighed.

“Fine. Just let me get into character. If i’m doing this, I'm going all the way.” He took a deep breath, channeling some buried rage from deep inside his chest, and then he turned towards Wylan. “I can’t believe you! We’re over!” he shouted, and Wylan smiled before turning his grin into a frown.

“What do you mean?” he asked, breath shaky. “Are you really breaking up with me?”

Jesper took a deep breath. “Yes. Now go. I don’t want to see you anymore.” He turned away, listening as Wylan stormed off toward the bathroom.

Satisfied with his work, Jesper walked downstairs, humming to himself. He settled onto the couch and waited one, two, three seconds before the water above him turned on and the speaker started blasting. Wylans melodic voice drifted down, the lyrics filling the room.

“Jesper! What the hell did you do to Wylan?” A voice yelled from the hall, and he turned as Nina stormed into the room. “I swear to the Saints if you broke his heart-”

“Nina! Relax.” Jesper said, kicking his feet up on the table in front of him. “He asked me to break up with him so he could sing the song.”

Nina stood there for a moment, thinking. “Huh. Smart.” she said finally, falling down next to him. “We should do that, Matthias.”

From the hall, Matthias huffed. “I do not get why you cannot just sing it without all the dramatics.” he said as he walked in. “What is the point of breaking up?”

“Oh, Matty.” Jesper patted the empty spot next to him, the one not taken by Nina. “It has to be authentic. You can’t just simply sing it. It has to feel real.”

“I do not understand you people.” Matthias grumbled, sitting on the couch. “Do we just wait until he’s done?”

Nodding, Jesper smiled. “Man. I can’t wait until he’s my boyfriend again. His voice is so pretty.”

A thin figure dressed in all black slid through the window opposite the couch. “Why is Wylan singing All Too Well?” Inej asked, lowering her hood. “Did Jesper fake break up with him?”

“He’s wasting water.” said another voice, this time from one of the many doors that led out of the room. “Tell him to get a more efficient place to wallow.”

“You don’t even pay for this place, Kaz.” Jesper rolled his eyes. “He does. And he is free to spend his asshole fathers money for anything he likes.” He turned back toward Inej. “And yes. That is exactly what happened. It’s so cute, don’t you think?”

Matthias laughed. “I think you are both crazy.” he remarked, and Nina chucked a pillow at him.

“Let them live out their teen angst, Matthias!”

Suddenly, the shower stopped, and the final notes of the song came to a close. Everyone fell silent.

“What happens now?” Inej asked.

Jesper shrugged. “We get back together I guess.” he responded, turning his eyes to the stairs.

It took about a minute for Wylan to come trudging down them, hair wet and dressed in an oversized shirt and sweatpants. “Jes?” he called quietly, peeking his head into the room.

“Hello, Wylan.” Jesper responded, trying and failing to act serious. He could barely contain the smile on his face.

Wylan blushed a deep crimson. “Jesper Fahey. I’d like to get back together, please.” he stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jesper grinned so wide his cheeks hurt, rushing toward Wylan as quick as his feet could carry him. He picked him up in a large hug, holding his cold and wet body close. “Of course, Merchling. I love you.”

Wylan smiled into his chest. “I love you too, Jesper. I never want to be apart from you again. Not even for ten minutes.”

From behind them, Kaz spoke. “Idiots,” he muttered. But Jesper could tell he was smiling too.

[lunarthecorvus]

Inej Ghafa parent's fanfiction recommendations part of Lunar's soc fanficiton rec series

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what a mother was by @cameliawrites

Wordcount: 62k Chapters: 8/8

Characters: Inej Ghafa's Mother, Inej Ghafa's Grandparents, Inej Ghafa's Aunt, Inej Ghafa's Father, Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker

Tags: Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherhood, Family, Romance, Coming of Age, Prequel, Time Skips, Suli Culture & Religion, Canon Compliant, Original Character(s), Canon-Typical violence, Period Typical Racism, Sick Character, Grief/ Mourning, Attempted Sexual Assault, First Love, Implied/ Referenced Homophobia, Eating Disorders, Bittersweet, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending

Author's summary/notes: "She could recount every detail of the day she married Kolhat: the geraniums her sister had embroidered along the sleeves and hem of her dress, one of her father’s old handkerchiefs tucked into her pocket, her mother’s silk veil draped over her hair. She could recall the day she met him, when she was all of twenty years old. Inej was not yet twenty. Shanta still felt as young as all that, and she felt far older." . . . Before she was Inej’s mother, Shanta Ghafa had a mother too. or: ten years and six suitors in the life of Mama Ghafa. My summary/notes: A beautiful retrospective of Mama Ghafa's past, the life she has lived, and all she has loved and lost. Camelia is just an amazing writer and every part of this fic was beautfully written. You can feel the grief and joy of Shanta's life and it added levels and depth to her character that I never would've expected. While reading this I couldn't believe that this wasn't canon and its own book. I would kill to read this for the first time again.

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Sankta Margaretha and Other Tales of Sorrow by @oneofthewednesdays

Wordcount: 18k Chapters: 8/8

Characters: Inej Ghafa, Inej Ghafa's Mother, Inej Ghafa's Father, Kaz Brekker, Jesper Fahey, Wylan Van Eck

Tags: Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Hurt/Comfort, Family, Angst, Implied/ Reference Rape/ Non-con, Canon Typical Violence, Graphic Description of Corpses

Author's summary/notes: When his daughter was stolen from beneath his nose on the outskirts of Os Kervo, Samir Ghafa lost his faith in the saints. After a letter arrives bearing the insignia of the Lantsov double-eagle, he finds his hope rekindled. But when he learns of the demon of Ketterdam, he begins to fear once more… My summary/ notes: I'm not sure how to write this without directly spoiling it.. but a certain opinion Inej's father has about someone is surprisingly uncommonly found in fics and its so interesting to read how the opinion is formed and how Samir acts because of it. Then consequently how the others act and feel because of Samir's actions. (I was laughing my ass off while writing this so vaguely)

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Ten Minutes in the Life of a Pear by @oneofthewednesdays

Wordcount: 8.9k Chapters: 4/4

Characters: Inej Ghafa, Inej Ghafa's Mother, Inej Ghafa's Father, Kaz Brekker, Asha, Hanzi

Tags: Panic Attacks, Healing, Implied/ Reference Rape/Non-con, Canon backstory, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Post-Canon

Authors summary: Four glimpses into breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert with the Ghafa Family. My summary/ notes: A heartwarming fic reflecting on the pain and the way relationships both platonic and romantic can develop and grow throughout the different points in life.

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Runs in the family by DopamineAddict

Wordcount: 99k Chapters: 16/18 (hasn't been updated since march)

Characters: Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa's Mother, Inej Ghafa's father, Wylan Van Eck, Jesper Fahey. Tante Heleen, Specht, Roeder, Anika

Tags: Revenge, Family Reunions, Canon-Typical violence, Coming of Age, Inej Ghafa needs a hug, Past Rape/ non con, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Kaz is scared of Inej's parents he knows hunger for revenge when he sees it, the Ghafa's might be a bit non canon but we only see them from Inej's pov in canon so..

Author's summary/notes: As the Ketterdam harbour grows closer, Priya and Devnand Ghafa steel themselves for the truth of whatever their daughter had been through over the past two years. And for what they might do about it. My summary/notes: Priya and Devnand meet their daughter again after years, they learn about her and what's she's been doing, but the other question that will be answered is what have they been up to since Inej has been taken. (This fic is just incredible, it changed how I saw her parents)

[fantastic-nonsense]

What are five of your favourite Grishaverse quotes? Send this ask to 5 of your favourite grishaverse blogs!

Thank you so much for sending this, and sorry it took me such a long time to get to it 😭

Choosing was super hard because there are so many insanely good quotes in the books and I love several of them for very different reasons, but I'll try and give it a go anyways. So: five of my favorite Six of Crows quotes (because I still haven't read the SaB trilogy), in no particular order:

Kaz and Inej, on getting back up after a fall:

Get it together, Brekker, he scolded himself harshly. It didn’t help. He was going to faint again, and this would all be over. Inej had once offered to teach him how to fall. “The trick is not getting knocked down,” he’d told her with a laugh. “No, Kaz,” she’d said, “the trick is in getting back up.” More Suli platitudes, but somehow even the memory of her voice helped. He was better than this. He had to be. Not just for Jordie, but for his crew. He’d brought these people here. He’d brought Inej here. It was his job to bring them out again. The trick is in getting back up. He kept her voice in his head, repeating those words, again and again, as he stripped off his boots, his clothes, and finally his gloves. -Ch. 22, Six of Crows

Matthias asking for mercy for monsters/the "we are all someone's monster" observation:

“Nina,” he said, hand still pressed over the smooth skin on his chest where a bullet wound should be. “Nina, please.” “You know they would not offer you mercy, Matthias.” “I know. I know. But let them live in shame instead.” She hesitated. “Nina, you taught me to be something better. They could be taught, too.” Nina shifted her gaze to his. Her eyes were ferocious, the deep green of forests; the pupils, dark wells. The air around her seemed to shimmer with power, as if she was alight with some secret flame. “They fear you as I once feared you,” he said. “As you once feared me. We are all someone’s monster, Nina.” -Ch. 41, Six of Crows

Wylan and Kaz's entire conversation about disability and vulnerability while cracking Van Eck's safe:

He thumbed quickly through the ledger and said, “When people see a cripple walking down the street, leaning on his cane, what do they feel?” Wylan looked away. People always did when Kaz talked about his limp, as if he didn’t know what he was or how the world saw him. “They feel pity. Now, what do they think when they see me coming?” Wylan’s mouth quirked up at the corner. “They think they’d better cross the street.” Kaz tossed the ledger back in the safe. “You’re not weak because you can’t read. You’re weak because you’re afraid of people seeing your weakness. You’re letting shame decide who you are. Help me with the painting.” They lifted the portrait back into place over the gaping hole in the safe. Martin Van Eck glared down at them. “Think on it, Wylan,” Kaz said as he straightened the frame. “It’s shame that lines my pockets, shame that keeps the Barrel teeming with fools ready to put on a mask just so they can have what they want with no one the wiser for it. We can endure all kinds of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.” -Ch. 18, Crooked Kingdom

Inej vs. Dunyasha on the Church of Barter rooftop, refusing to be cowed on her own turf:

“The blood you spill is the blood of kings,” seethed Dunyasha. “You are not fit for such a gift.” Inej almost felt sorry for her. Dunyasha really believed she was the Lantsov heir, and maybe she was. But wasn’t that what every girl dreamed? That she’d wake and find herself a princess? Or blessed with magical powers and a grand destiny? Maybe there were people who lived those lives. Maybe this girl was one of them. But what about the rest of us? What about the nobodies and the nothings, the invisible girls? We learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns. We learn to wring magic from the ordinary. That was how you survived when you weren’t chosen, when there was no royal blood in your veins. When the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway. Inej raised a brow and slowly wiped the blood of kings on her trousers. -Ch. 35, Crooked Kingdom

And Inej at the harbor...hopeful, in love, and ready to take on the world with her boy and her ship:

Had she really thought the world didn’t change? She was a fool. The world was made of miracles, unexpected earthquakes, storms that came from nowhere and might reshape a continent. The boy beside her. The future before her. Anything was possible. -Ch. 44, Crooked Kingdom