#literally the funniest fucking piece of information ever

[heartscrypt]

nrc is full of people who need to be studied under a microscope

[molqr]

the ask game. can we get the soy

of courseeee you can its always spy pussy indulgence hour here. or however the meme goes. smiles face

this is loooowwwngg so im putting it under a cut for any poor fucker who may stumble upon it when they open the app lmfao. thanks for the ask mr musichead aka heavy tf2's husband. grins

how i feel about this character - gestures to bio and pfp and everything about me. god. im sick in the head about her. i originally didnt like spy all that much but, like a horrible mold, he grew on me when i realised that while he claims to be better than everybody else, he really isnt. maybe even a bit worse, and god, isnt that just the funniest, stupidest fucking thing ever. have you heard some of those voice lines, shes a fucking clown. anyway. i love spy tf2 but also dear god i hate him. if he was real i'd throw a brick at him and then kiss him. terrible choice really but i wouldnt have it any other way. thank you shithead frenchman with terrible horrible problems i like to study. as for a more comprehensive thing though: i really do just think spy is interesting. i think its weird and fascinating that hes so put together and so off-putting all at once. i love thinking about what happened between him and scout's mother. i like making him a pathetic absentee father. i like that he has identity issues. i like that i can make her a woman. that spy can be a bit of a wreck and extremely put together at the same time, that when a character wants to keep everything a secret, any information you have on them feels personal. i like it when spy is written the way thick fog feels. oh and did i mention i desire him most horribly. id assume thats obvious by now. spy is like a rubix cube to me. a boring little square who i regretfully want to shoot my shot at piecing together despite the fact i am not good at puzzles.

all the people i ship romantically with this character - ME MOTHERFUCKER!! kiddinggg. well. its true, but heres a better answer. tf2 is like the yaoi franchise to me, and spy is the most yaoiful of all simply because i specifically want to suck face with him, therefore, i make him suck face with many others. gay, i know. i fuck with most spy ships really, as long as theyre Good then i'll give them a shot. engiespy and sniperspy are classic general go-tos, but well written spoovy? yummmm my fucking dinnaaarrr. i also think that demospy and soldierspy can be fun if gotten right, and pyrospy just because i think it's really fucking funny. oh right and of course spyma. christ. they make me feel sickkk and one of them is barely even a proper character. sad. endlessly intruiged by their love nonetheless <3 still gotta write a fic for them sometime, i want to chew on em like a dog with a bone.

my non-romantic otp for this character - while i did literally just mention spoovy lmfao, i also just like it when heavy and spy are just close friends. they have many layers! im a sucker for the idea of spy knowing russian and that's how they start talking. i think they'd be teerrrribllleee gossips it'd be great. heavy never thought he'd be glad nobody else on the base can speak russian until he started gossiping with spy about the things hes seen on base. i know they talk sooo much shiiittttt. they probably have a bookclub too. // i also really like it when spy and pauling get to be friends, i feel like they entered some sort of understanding that while its paulings job to kill him if he keeps on snooping around, spy is going to snoop around anyway and just hope that when it happens, pauling kills him painlessly. but thats all theoreticals, right now they're talking about nothing- both kind of infuriating and relaxing for the both of them- while disposing of corpses. yknow, people who acknowledge that they might hate eachother in a slightly different world but right now they're friends because they realised overworked, tired, definitely too smart for this but still here anyway style bitches have to stick together. i think about the 'youve lied for her then?' 'oh! uh! not to you of course!' ' ,':I mhm...' interaction a lot. spy doesnt take it personally because she knows thats just paulings job, shes not surprised. she gets to be annoyed about it though, and will then do the same thing to pauling. i like their friendship. smilllessss.

my unpopular opinion about this character - i originally couldnt think of something to say in regards to spy but then it hit me like a flash of lightning. i think people make too much dark spyhead content. and i dont understand acting like the blu spy is better than the red one when theyre the same lady. back on the head though. like i cant lie i have a paticularly weakness for it at times but theres So Much Hard Angst. and it usually makes medic overly sadistic and horrible about it when i know thats not the case. 'but he kept him alive in the fridge!' says a theoretical hater. engineer was smiling when he blew of a guys arm in meet the engineer. soldier cuts off the blu teams heads and collects them. truly you can make near everything shit scary about these guys, but i just want to see more silly spyhead stuff if its going to be done so much. not to say i hate it perse i think its really fun, it just veers really heavily into overly sadistic torture stuff really fast?? my feeling on it is 'guy who watches cartoon violence and says what the fuck thats so fucked up what the hell hes dead you just hit him with a huge hammer' or something. its meant to be silly and i get wanting to have a dark spin on it, you cant forget its still silly at its core. i feel like ive complained about this before. anyway. lollipop chainsaw his ass! let him get back at medic but not in a paticularly sinister way! like, i dunno, dyeing all his birds an ugly shade of green or something. this seems more like me complaining about a trope of spy uhhh whats something more general about him as a character. errr. hes not as put together as it might seem? i think he'd be a bit more bloodthirsty about killing people when its not neccesary on missions and its just gross and weird? that people need to like, play into his grossness a bit more because hes wearing a full piece suit on a battlefield i know hes gross and sweaty. oh and that he wouldnt try to parent scout once he(scout) figures out theyre related because scout is 27 and doesnt give a fuck anymore. spy would sorta feel the need to from guilt but scout doesnt want that father-son relationship with spy because its too late and too weird. its just that spy is trying to project almost thirty years of feelings by imagining his son needs a father in his life as much as spy wanted his son in his life. but its too late. is that an unpopular opinion? idk. i just like making spy more torn up about the absentee father issue than scout is because i think its true. yeagh. out of all of them i feel like this is relatively tame in the 'unpopular opinions' levels. i have way more hot takes about the others. shruggssss

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon - more making fun of him. stomping on his ego. being afraid of pyro for no reason. acting like a weird cat. acting like he hates hanging out with the others when its obvious hes having fun deep down. getting to be a weirdo. i need to see what the finale of the 'pretends to be tom jones while scout is dying' thing is. my prediction is that soldiers going to talk about killing tom jones in comic 7 and scout goes WHAT!! BUT HE WAS THERE WHEN I DIED!! and it all comes piecing together and spy has a Horrible day. if it was up to me i'd get to see more of spy and scout's ma on dates too or something because i think theyre really cute. i want more people to mention he smells bad because of the cigarette breath and to have him wheezing and coughing and spluttering after every 5 breaths. can medic have an organ transplant hall of shame with 3 pairs of spys shrivelled lungs? please.

anyway. im very normal about The Soy.

i had to do something like this or id die. xoxo

oh and the ask game itself x <- behold

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 1 - Resurrect Bracket (Losers Bracket) Side A

ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to [make it to the finals]

Propaganda below ⬇️

Temenos

so his whole thing is he's an inquisitor who is just fundamentally bad at being a priest on account of he does things like forgetting scripture and not being able to help but doubt the institution which gets everyone hes ever cared about killed. he's gay. he says shit like "careful, i bite". he's in yuri with a holy knight. he's one of my favorite characters and i want to beat him over the head with a cast iron skillet

fucked up gay little cleric who was supposed to grapple with the fact that the institution he serves is corrupt except he has been in doubt from the very beginning and very clearly doesnt put much stock in the scripture hes made it his lifes work to preach. hes kinda a freak with it. every line he speaks is said with the cadence of a gay guy checking under his nails while ignoring you as he talks. i have to hit him with mallets and shatter him into pieces.

This man is the world's worst clergyman. He's a high ranking member of the holy inquisition, but nobody respects him and he mostly just uses his position to investigate random murders for fun. He regularly forgets how the bible goes and little kids have to correct him on how the plot goes of the jrpg equivalent of jesus's resurrection. He has a holy knight for a boyfriend. He tortures people for information any other character can just ask for. His best friend out of the rest of the main 8 is an assassin and gang member. He tries to get people to commit crimes with him. His story is about uprooting the corruption in his church and killing high ranking church members and also Literal Fucking Jrpg satan. He regularly blasphemes and everyone around him looks in horror as he shouts at god and encourages people to become atheists. His catchphrase is "doubt is what I do." He is still somehow the most devout character in the entire game despite being a total fuck up of a cleric who does not deserve to be here whatsoever. Pls let him win it'd be SO FUNNY

Hes genuinely just the funniest guy. Very little about his story has to do with the faith but like. He routinely roasts the entire pantheon of in-universe gods. He beats people up (metaphorically of course) as one of his main game mechanics. He got stamped as the resident gayboy SO fast. His starliner definitely has higher intelligence than wisdom even though clerics use wisdom. Every chapter he appears in he solves a mystery by zoning out so hard his god blesses him with extremely vivid hallucinations. He's so deeply fucking traumatized. One of his battle skills is fully just beating his enemies up with his staff. He ends up defunding the police. He can very casually become a thermonuclear bomb but in a very holy way. His best friend is a 23-year-old assassin that exclusively calls him "Detective". Is he Catholic (ish)? Yeah, but he certainly doesn't always act like it.

He constantly commits heresy and doubts the gods but is still the not-Pope's right hand man

Listen, imagine you'd go to church and your priest gets roasted by kids for forgetting how the bible goes. That's him, canonically even. He's like if a redditor who wants to be a detective was cosplaying as a holy man. He's someone whose whole thing is doubting the gods and the church, to the point where he makes another person question his faith too, even though he is technically The holy man. He's absolutely unhinged and gay. He's 30 years old and absolutely does not look like it. He's traumatized, and cannot be sincere and honest about his feelings even once. He should go to therapy actually. Like desperately. For his sake and everyone around him.

he is from the faith but he doubts everything around him to find the truth through it........ also i'd like to see him torment the crotchety priest i had to do a face-to-face confession with in high school. it'd be funny.

FATHER BROWN BUT MAKE HIM GAY AND PLAGUED BY TRUST ISSUES. This man will forget his own sermons, beat people up for infos and, at the same time, gets to be the fantasy equivalent of a youth pastor. He somehow manages to be the most unhinged person in a party that includes a vengeful math professor who can and WILL mug people. He might not be the most devout Catholic of them all, but he is definitely the *funniest* one. Give it up for the world's shittiest priest!

i’m gonna be honest temenos is a TERRIBLE catholic but he’s funny and i love him. he also has a weird gay thing going on with a paladin it’s great.

Link

Well, maybe not specifically catholic. But behold, OFFICIAL ART: https://cdn.wikimg.net/en/zeldawiki/images/a/ab/LinkPraying.png

in the original legend of zelda game there’s a bible (localized to the book of magic due to nintendo of america’s guidelines), a cross in the adventure of link, and in a link to the past, there’s art of him kneeling in front of a crucifix. hyrule has its own religions but there are undeniable christian roots.

[evil-ontheinside]

Why is writing Dustin literally the funniest thing? I don't know how it keeps happening but I wrote at least three different times from his pov and every time it has the best lines. Have some various snippets from my WIPs to prove my point:

"Why do you have to be so negative about this? You will not be the one in trouble should something go wrong, I will handle the consequences." He has his arms crossed in front of his chest and it might have been intimidating - especially with that dagger still in hand - but it's not because it's Michael. The Prince, sure, but also the person Dustin had seen sitting drenched in the fountain of the main plaza, looking like a wet cat and grumbling about it with the dignity of a small child. The cut-off curtains, draped over his shoulder like a makeshift cape, don’t command much respect either. ----

Dustin had been playing one of his favorite songs, approved of by all the important people at home, including the royal family. He knows it better than the back of his hand, could perform it in his sleep if he had to, had played it while being attacked by a ranger in the forest - yes Lucas, this story will be made into a song sooner or later, there is no escape. ----

Dustin knows nothing. Prince Michael, who? Wait, no, Dustin knows something. But nothing important. Yes, that sounds better. ----

“You won’t believe this.” Dustin almost chokes on his drink when he looks up and sees Hopper storm into the Byers’ kitchen. He did not just hear the chief of police Jim Hopper say You won’t believe this also known as the most stereotypical sitcom-drama sentence ever, right? “Try me,” is all Joyce answers, completely unphased, from the kitchen table where they all sit together and try to complete a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle. It’s going worse than he anticipated. At the same time Dustin triumphantly fits a piece into the right place, does he realize that this must be a normal occurrence. Jim Hopper, taken right out of the afternoon’s soap opera.  He’ll need some time to process this later. -----

If anyone asks why he decided to spend one of the last days of summer vacation with Max underneath a lonely tree in the middle of an open field? They’re studying, obviously. Or having a romantic getaway that lasted for a few hours and will never happen ever again. They had planned to make this an extended Party event but, as usual, life just won’t go according to Dustin’s plan. He had it all planned out: camping for a night in a - of course completely randomly selected, no doubt about it - field in town, a DnD campaign crafted by Eddie himself to celebrate the last days of summer and far away from prying eyes to not disturb anyone. But no, the Byers and Hoppers - soon to be only Hoppers, Dustin is more than just a little excited for that wedding. He also had that fully planned out years ago but his planning was, as usual, not appropriately appreciated - had to make an impromptu family trip to god knows where, Steve, Eddie, and Robin - this betrayal maybe left the deepest wound - had suddenly all decided to take a road trip without telling anyone else beforehand, and the Sinclairs had all been jammed into their family car and carted off to visit a dying relative somewhere in Indianapolis. This left Max and Dustin all alone in Hawkins. At least Max was always down for a little espionage to search for possible gossip. Though Max had almost ditched him when he complained - totally justified by the way - about everyone leaving them behind when they should’ve been here with them, lying in waiting for the newest information. -----

Dustin doesn’t care. The others can hide their interest for all they want but he’s here to gather information and he’s not ashamed of it. His observations might as well be for science. His curiosity doors are wide open, he can’t risk only looking through a crack if he wants the full picture. -----

What the fuck do they need an old wooden chest for? Why doesn’t Dustin have an old wooden chest? He could totally pull off an old wooden chest in his room.  Maybe, and Dustin thinks this with reluctance of the highest order, the rumors aren't as ridiculous and farfetched as they sounded at first. This family might not be quite normal. [...] A few more boxes join the wooden chest - and Dustin is still not over that. This thing looks like it was taken straight out of a medieval fantasy story. The cheek, the gall to show off their cool wooden chest in front of Dustin without considering his feelings - neatly stacked on top of it before he simply gets behind the wheel and takes off without giving them an answer as if he hadn’t even heard them.

[minxxfur]

an entirely too long essay on the irony of people idolizing patrick bateman

//american psycho, mentions of white teenage boys, murder, misogyny, racism, homophobia, toxic masculinity, mention of nazis, the term “sigma male”

these boys who don’t even own a driver’s license are missing the entire point of their favorite movie. they have seen this film repeatedly and still do not understand the point that is directly in front of them. this is one of the most hilarious societal phenomenons i have ever witnessed.

christian bale, the actor, is idolized for this role by these teenagers, despite him expressing sheer disdain for patrick himself. he has also played a role in velvet goldmine, and a quick google search can easily tell you why this movie was brought up.

the entire film, especially patrick himself, is satire and made entirely to poke fun of what people would consider “sigma males”. he reeks of masculinity, he’s rich, he gets major bitches. he also is a serial killer and certified joke.

the author of the book hand-wrote him letter by letter as a well-crafted joke, the entire movie was scripted, casted, directed, edited, created to keep that joke going; to make fun of the exact type of man those little white boys aspire to be.

this is because the man they aspire to be is a fucking piece of shit. he’s a known racist, a misogynist, a sexual predator, and so homophobic that the creators made fun of him for it. also, he has fucking murdered people, in case you couldn’t tell. these little boys look up to this sack of putrid vomit because it’s them (racist, among other things) but this time he’s rich and has an inhuman amount of sex scenes.

these scrawny young boys do not recognize or even have a clue of what masculinity is. they see patrick, the epitome of what they are told masculinity is, and due to the societal pressure of being a “real man”, they seek to become him to avoid this trouble. even though he is a joke.

they then resort to being the most vile cunts known to man (literal nazis) in order to appear tough, then it gets internalized. this has them look up to patrick even more, because fuck women and fuck gay people, right?

the director of the movie is a woman, and the writer of the book is gay.

it doesn’t even take a google search to know that it’s directed by a woman. the credits are right there.

given this information, why would they put so much effort into patrick bateman and his silly adventures?

because he’s a fucking joke and nothing more.

he’s not to be taken seriously. i can envision Bret Easton Ellis and Mary Harron in fur coats, clinking a glass together and laughing as they watch those “sigma male patrick bateman” tiktoks on a curved tv screen.

even if a swarm of white boys who can’t even lift a chair idolizing patrick wasn’t at all the intended results, my god is it hilarious to watch. it proves their entire point on how toxic masculinity effects young boys and how it spreads like moldy butter. of course, we can’t all just sit back and giggle (we have to actually do something about it, isn’t that crazy?) but good lord, that’s the funniest shit i’ve ever seen.

tl:dr if you idolize patrick bateman i will actually laugh at you

[boypussydilf]

aw hey another relationships ask. how about sae and akechi? (platonically if thats not obvious,) vastly interested in hearing your opinion

OH MY GOD I HAD NOT EVEN CONSIDERED THEM. CAN WE TALK ABOUT SAE AND AKECHI IVE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT SAE AND AKECHI “youre literally about to talk about them” I AM}!??!?!? SWEET!!!!! literally i saw i had an ask and i was like oh man I’ll probably have to save it for tomorrow and then i saw what it was and was Instantly restored to Full Health. my HP bar is massive and so is my brain. anyway this is once again gonna turn into kind of a big post so

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

SAE NIIJIMA. AND GORO AKECHI. HAVE. THE LITERAL FUNNIEST DYNAMIC OF ANY CHARACTERS IN ANY PIECE OF MEDIA, EVER.

They’re, like, coworkers, which is already incredible bc they’re like. a 27 year old woman and a 17 year old boy. i dont actually know how old sae is but you get the idea. can you imagine being sae and working so hard to earn a position & respect as a young female prosecutor and then theyre like. can you confer with this Teenage Prettyboy. shes so strong for not just walking out.

But It Gets Better. Every interaction they have is stellar. The very first time we see them interact, which is also The First Time We See Akechi, At All, is, god i dont remember the Actual conversation they have i only rememebe the end of it, the most important part: akechi trying to get sae to buy him sushi and looking so miserable and pathetic when she’s like “only the cheap stuff :/“. Fucking…. incredible. 10/10 introduction to their dynamic all on its own. I cannot remember if akechi ever asks her to get him sushi again in the game or if im recalling something that happened in the anime or a fanfic. but. god its so funny. akechi, AKECHI, trying to pester this adult woman he works with into treating him to food. and her refusing. its incredible i could talk in circles abt how good this is for years.

and then it gets even funnier bc of like. the scene where sae realizes that Her Laptop Has Been Tampered With, and she asks akechi if He did it because they had a Disagreement recently. sae thinks akechi is petty enough to like. illegally take important and classified case information from her computer. over some difference of opinion that like, i imagine we see in the game, but if we do its so Understated that ive never noticed it. and she goes Did you try to get revenge on me. you bitch. like its so so funny

AND IT STILL GETS FUNNIER. BECAUSE. makoto says like. she got the impression sae had more trust & respect for akechi than for her. Sae is like “this guy I work with can be annoying and full of himself but he’s genuinely smart and he gets the job done i respect that” and then the guy in question is A TEENAGE CELEBRITY.

I don’t think we ever get to see akechi talk about sae all that much but like. It seems like he does Genuinely Like Her. And also is constantly passive aggressive at her!

In conclusion i. They’re incredible. They’re coworkers, theyre enemies, theyre very good friends with deep respect and even a kind of admiration for each other, theyre one businesswoman and the weird as hell teenager she works with that she feels compelled to be nice to because she has a little sister his age.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

Again yet another case of like. ^ All That is just like. Their actual canon interactions. I cant improve on that. The only way it can be made better is by having More of it. GOD I wish we got more of it. Oh also I think they talk shit about other people theyve both worked with together. With the utmost professionalism.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

theyre a combo of “GOD i want akechi to have friends. so bad” + “This is the funniest thing ive ever seen. in my life” i wish i was big brain enough to come up with something as riotously hilarious as their dynamic. the whole concept is so singularly unique. i dont know if that was even INTENTIONAL. its all There and it just gets skimmed over. just….. completely fascinating

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

*sobbing and blubbering* what if… goro akechi… had friends and people he cared about… even if he wont fully admit it or tries to avoid it… Like legit that’s. theyre. theyre like friends. i keep going to say They Get Along but they do not get along. but they are. friends. mostly in a Work Friends kind of way but still. & like. i think itsjust inevitable that as an Older Sibling sae will see people younger than her & feel Urge To Watch Over Them And Make Sure Theyre OK even without any like Personal Attachment. *sae voice* i guess i have to take care of this annoying fucking kid because NO ONE ELSE IS!!

of course agaun they also both just have Professional Respect for each other. as well.

favorite interaction they have in canon

AGAIN. THE ONES I LISTED @ THE BEGINNING. AKECHI TRYING TO MAKE SAE BUY HIM QUALITY SUSHI AND SAE ACCUSING HIM OF BEING EVEN MORE PETTY THAN HE IS. 10/10 SITUATIONS

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

ACTUALLY I HAVE NO IDEA. I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM INTERACT MORE FULL STOP. i think anything they did together would be funny

[utterlyinevitable]

Yes please to in canon after the kiss at MK for the jealousy fluff piece! 😍 I actually had that exact timing in mind but didn't want to be too demanding in my request 😂 Thank you so much for humouring this, I'm so excited! And I have been glued to The Conference, can't wait to see what comes next. I'm such a sucker for the jealousy trope ❤️

Thanks so much for the request! I am so sorry it took forever! 💖💖💖 ugh i want to get the next installment of the conference out but i also don’t want to do any medical research for said conference 🤣 literally the only thing stopping me from updating it haha

Settle Down

Word Count: 973 Warning: a few curse words Summary: Becca hears that Ethan’s seeing someone else and goes ballistic. 

A/N: I did begin writing this for @wackydrabbles “I can’t believe you remembered” but then got stuck and abandoned it... ALSO Not to toot my own horn or anything but the last two lines of dialogue is the funniest and smartest thing I’ve ever written 😂😂😂

________________________________________

‘I heard they’re getting back together.’ 

‘Who?’

‘Ramsey and Emery.’

‘I saw them coming out of Emery’s office - his hair was a mess.’ 

‘Did you hear? They’re going to the Massachusetts for Medicine Gala together tonight.’ 

‘They’ve been on and off longer than I’ve worked here. Should suck it up and settle down already.’ 

The overheard nurses’ conversation played over and over again in Rebecca’s mind. What gala? Ethan never mentioned a gala? 

Just last week he kissed her outside of his apartment, after his father crashed their dinner date, with a promise that they’ll talk about whatever they were becoming. And then two nights ago he did it again during their Mass Kenmore heist. Was Becca endlessly foolish for thinking he wanted her just as much as she ached for him?

He’s known Harper forever… They couldn’t be more than friends, could they? Would they? 

She shook her head at the thought, having to remind herself, He’s not mine to claim. He’s made that perfectly clear…

But deep down she knew that they were tied to one another. His initiations and actions made it so. 

Becca’s blood started to boil as she stomped her way up to his office. Every replay of every word he’s ever said added with the nurses’ commentary fueled her fire.  

Why the fuck would he be stringing me along?!

She rounded past the diagnostics office noticing how a few of the blinds had been drawn over the glass walls. She could see Ethan in deep consideration staring at the whiteboard, his left arm folded across his torso and right hand stroking the stubble along his chin. 

Fuck me. 

She was thankful he was alone. She didn’t think she could handle having an unhinged outburst in front of the rest of the team. Although June knew of her and Ethan’s history she didn’t know how much she knew and if she knew how Harper Emery fit into all of this.  

Becca pushed the glass door open with force bringing Ethan out of his stupor when it closed shut with a solid whack. 

Ethan didn’t have time to turn towards the disruption before Becca shouted, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

He was taken aback but quickly composed himself as he digested the familiar voice he came to care so much for. “Working on our case. What are you -” 

“Harper,” she bitterly cut him off as he turned towards her. “What kind of game are you playing here, Ethan.” 

“I’m not -”  

He assessed her with a trained eye. Becca hovered by the threshold, five feet away from him by his desk, her tanned arms were folded across her small torso. Her eyes were a darker shade of brown than he’s ever seen and there was a divot between her angered brows. He was gobsmacked by her brazenness as she interrupted him once again;  

“I remember your fMRI - there’s something between you you’re not telling me.” 

“I can’t believe you remembered that,” Ethan said more to himself than anything. 

Becca was hyped up but she heard him. She always heard everything that velvety baritone voice said, whether she wanted to absorb the information or not was another story. 

“I remember everything about you!” she exclaimed, still on her warpath. “It’s unimportant, don’t change the subject.” She scolded, pointing a hostile finger at him. “What the fuck! You’re back with Harper? The nurses saw you. What the fuck!”  

Ethan leaned against his desk, his arms folded across his chest. A smirk playing on his features as he watched the petite doctor motion through her outburst. Becca was now pacing furiously around in front of him. 

“Are you done?” he asked with a raised eyebrow once she went quiet, giving her an option to continue her ridiculous strop. 

His words stopped her pacing in place. Her brown eyes whipped towards him and were coated in rage and betrayal, her chest was huffing rampantly, and her gel manicured nails were a beat away from drawing blood in her palms. 

Calmly he announced, “Yes I have feelings for Harper.” Becca’s jaw dropped at the admission. Ethan’s arms followed suit, fingers curling around the edge of his wooden desk as he continued, “Feelings of respect, admiration, and collegiality. Nothing else.”  

Humored blue met embarrassed brown. 

“But -” 

Ethan shook his head to stop her from the disastrous rumors plaguing her mind. “I don’t know what you saw. But it was most likely guilt -” He crossed the distance between them. “For keeping Naveen’s condition from her or for all the times I’ve made her run as Chief more difficult than it had to be.” Once he was but mere inches away he took each of her hands in his, forcibly removing her nails from her palms. “That’s all.” 

Becca didn’t mean to but she relaxed right into his touch. “You truly are an ass,” she grumbled.   

“Hopelessly, so,” he smirked, lacing their fingers together.  

Becca let out a large breath of air. “So there’s nothing between you?” She looked up at the towering and handsome man she has come to adore.  

“No.” His effervescent blue eyes trailed down to admire his Rookie. “We’re going to drum up business and secure outside funding for the clinic,” he addressed the obvious elephant in the room. “If I had been invited you’d undoubtedly be my plus one.” His crooked smile shone through, that one smile he reserves just for her. Ethan trailed his hands over the curves of her body and up to cup her cheeks. “How could anyone say no to this face,” he cooed, squishing the flawless flesh.  

“You’re one to talk,” Becca rolled her eyes. “You seem to be a master at it.”  

“I was working towards a PhD but decided against it.” 

Ethan leaned down to place a feathered kiss on the tip of her nose.   

________________________________________

Taglist: @ohchoices​​ @dulceghernandez​​​ @aylamreads​​ @binny1985​​​ @ramseysno1rookie​​​ @interobanginyourmom​​​ @queencarb​​​ @perriewinklenerdie​ @rookiefromedenbrook​​ @eramsey28​​ @choicesficwriterscreations​​ @heauxplesslydevoted​​ @schnitzelbutterfingers​​ @purpledragonturtles​​ @ramseyandrys​​​ @ermidc​​ @mrsdrakewalkerblog​​ @doilooklikeiknow​ @overwhelminglyaquarius​ @drethanramslay @edgiestwinter @rookieoh @lucy-268 @mvalentine @lilyvalentine @starrystarrytrouble @angela8756 @pitchblackstars @custaroonie @ezekielbhandarivalleros @sanchita012 @thegreentwin

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

34. Part 3

I snorted laughing at Dennis, he’s a funny guy but Robyn is staring at me that I’m playing about “you look like a single father, Robyn’ refusal to actively be in the pictures” Dennis came over to me with the camera in hand, getting up from my position to see “looks like it’s the Chris and Zeus show, the dog looks so smitten with Fenty” looking at the pictures “that looks like those cringy fucking People magazine pictures, I think the picture we want is Robyn being with me. How about your hand just in the picture, just let Fenty hold your finger. Just do something” Robyn rubbed her forehead, annoyed I asked “ok, do that. But I think we need you topless Chris, and Fenty out of that dress and just in a diaper. I just want it to be bare all. Holding her up to you, your nose just nuzzling the side of her face, just her cheek. Position you carefully and have Fenty looking at me in the camera. If we can angle it we can have Fenty holding your finger and also Robyn, we can figure it out. Just strip” nodding my head “we going to have to strip you baby” waking towards Robyn but Mel rushed over “let me hold her” nodding my head carefully letting Mel take Fenty “oh my god, look at her. I am crying again. Hi you beautiful soul, oh god. Hey baby. I’m crying guys! Again” Mel is so emotional “I am so happy for Rih, she’s waited on this moment and she’s got it. Praise to the most high. She’s precious, congratulations to the both of you. Wow, I’m staring at baby Rihanna, no offence Chris” I laughed “non taken, I wanted that” people don’t understand that I wanted that, she’s my mini Robyn, probably fiery like her too “I wanted this, I wanted to have a mini Robyn, so what she looks like my wife. That doesn’t offend me, who wants to be me anyways” I laughed, I’m crazy as fuck too so nobody wants that.

Robyn refused to even have her hand in the shoot because her nails weren’t done, she is just doing things beyond me now “Chris, look at me” Dennis said, I keep glaring at Robyn, I feel annoyed that she won’t even have her hand in the shoot, she is being so silly “uh yeah” looking at Dennis “hold Fenty up to you, kiss her cheek” I am just so annoyed “I can’t do this, I feel like you are being unreasonable right now, are you being real with this!? Like seriously, your nails are fine. How are you doing this to your daughter, she deserves better. You know what, I am deciding, I don’t want my daughter on the internet. I know you; I know what you wanted, you wanted to not do this like you’re acting erratic, now you’re doing things because of Ronald! Fuck him” Fenty whimpered in my arms, I may have shouted a little too loudly now, maybe too loudly “I am sorry” I apologised “he has the pictures of my daughter, he is using them Chris. I need to do it before he does it! Before he posts it, don’t you get it, just listen to me. I am not having it, this my news to tell! Fine, we stop the newspaper posting it but he has the picture and how the hell would I stop that!? He can still post it, you promised you would listen to me” I sighed out “I fucking did but you’re not playing ball, you read that article and now acting like this” walking over to Robyn “the depressed bitch I am, yes you’re right, just fucking listen to me because if my dad post it first and you stood there wasting time I will not fucking forgive you!” she pointed in my face “guys, come on now. Fenty, she looks sad, my sis is not happy. Let me just say my piece and then you both can continue to argue. I think Chris, that you should let her do it now, Ronald has the images and the information, Robyn. You look fine, I am looking at you now, you look good. Fuck your dad, he is a horrible man, how dare he say that about his own daughter, sickening, he literally dragged you. He did what the world wants to see, that you’re depressed and married also, now lets just do this. Robyn is right but we need to just gather together and make this a nice a little family event, come on Chris. I want some pictures with you too, I will be Rihanna” Jah is stupid, I try and not laugh at his stupid ass.

Robyn went off to feed Fenty, she is so moody and is just not happy and I understand “can I post this picture once Robyn does the whole reveal?” Jah asked “of course, I think we make a good couple” Jah hit my arm laughing “I am the top” he pointed walking off “ayo, Mel. I need to ask you, like I didn’t want Robyn to see the article because I honestly found it horrible, it made me sick to my stomach but like now what do I do. She is just shut down, she is stone face, you know?” Mel sighed out “I know, I didn’t want her to see it either but Chris, not going to lie. You know what to do, I am not going to tell you what to do. Just give her some loving, yes Robyn has now shut down. She is hurting, she is now on the war path. I think just give her a moment. Let her do it, and then you just love her Chris. You can do it; she may be mean. She may be rude, but she will break, her heart is hurt right now, and I don’t blame her. He stole her joy; her joy is her little family. She got it and he took it and ran with it. It’s so unforgiveable so I want you to just ride it out, listen to her. Let her do it, support her. She needs it right now, we know Robyn. When she shuts down she can be destructive but not as bad as she would be, she has a daughter now. Just that this is all new to us, to me. She is a mother so her bite will be different, she is angered. Like I haven’t seen her in a while and she looks great, she looks like a new mother. I don’t get what they want, they want the old Robyn back and that is not it. She is a woman, she is not fake and hasn’t done anything to her body, so they need to fuck off, my poor sis” nodding my head “thanks for being here, we were so happy earlier. She is there telling me we need to spend time together and the whole nine and now she has just shut down” I need to do what Mel said, support her.

I thought I would go and see what Robyn is up too, she is upstairs now being all quiet. I am just so fucking angry; I was about to go in the bedroom, but I turned back around. It just hit me, I have his number and I am just angry. Getting my phone out from my pocket, unlocking my phone and scrolling down. Someone needs to beat his fucking ass; I want to fucking beat that fucking ass I am so fucking done. Placing my phone against my ear, I just want to find something out and see how this plays out “hey” Rajad picked up the phone “was your dumbass big brother involved in that?” I said straight up “hell no, never. He was not involved in that and I can put my life on it, we just found out now from Robyn, she was crying on the phone and I can promise you, Rorrey is here he didn’t do that” Rajad didn’t waste no time in playing around “give me that” I heard Rorrey say “if I was going to sell any type of story it would be about you and how I dislike you, you think I would belittle my sister like that. I mean I do shit but to you, and that is it. That is all my dad, I can promise you that” Rorrey barked on, he has a point he would “and I wouldn’t stoop that low to sell my neice’ photo that way” I really want to beat Ronald’ ass “what y’all gonna do about it, sit there and take what he did?” I am trying to get them to do what I should be doing “he’s not at the home, I went to see him, and he has also turned his phone off. He does this when he has done something bad, I am not involved int hat. Don’t even think it” that clears that “you better find your dad before I do, he came in this home and took pictures of us in this family setting celebrating a moment, the more y’all pay the more you’re pushing Robyn away, trust” disconnecting the call, that is the most civil call Rorrey and I have had, I think he didn’t want to eb involved in that shit.

I am sure Rajad said Robyn was crying, maybe I heard wrong because she is hard faced right now “so what you are going to do, get your Instagram back up. I need you to” Robyn’ voice broke as she clasped her hands together breathing out “don’t, so yes. You need to bring back your Instagram and I need you to just post something nice about me” Robyn is so emotional, tears filling her eyes, how can she let that get to her “why are you asking me to do that” Robyn moved back from me “no, don’t just please. Stay away and do it, just please post something that you are happy or whatever, everything is just falling apart around me. Things were supposed to be quiet and slowly released, not this. Jen said that they accept but I don’t trust them. It hurts me to know they have my daughter’ picture, like how can I let that happen just do it and I am coming down” how can a woman beautiful like Robyn think that I don’t get it and I am confused. She is letting that article get to her “why are you taking in what that article said? You are so beautiful Robyn, when did that ever get to you?” I asked “it came from my dad, it hits differently” Robyn walked off, I really need to get her alone tonight after this.

I have missed Royalty’ Instagram posts, oh my god she is funny “why is my daughter hilarious” I said laughing “Roro, what she do?” Jah asked “this little girl is posting Rihanna pictures, her latest post is Fenty lipgloss day” turning my phone “awww, look at her Mel. She is Rihanna’ biggest fan, oh my god. I can’t wait to see her again, she is hilarious” I chuckled, my daughter is the funniest person alive, commented on her post ‘I miss you beautiful!’ posting the comment, as soon as I pressed send my phone started to ring, it’s Royalty “what’s up?” answering the call “you’re back dad!” she shouted “I am, I love all your posts. I really do, I can’t wait to see you though. I am back for a while” Robyn is here finally “Royalty, I need to go. I will call you back, I need to talk to Robyn. Love you, bye” disconnecting the call “so I have been looking through the picture with Dennis, and I like this one” she turned her phone to me, it’s the one where I am holding Fenty against my chest, she is facing the camera and staring at the camera “I thought, they know it’s your from your tattooed hand and your body tattoos but it shows your wedding band and Fenty is serving face too, I have been looking at these picture so hard to pick out an imperfection the world would do to her, and this is it and I am right now so angry I am doing this” nodding my head “it’s perfect” I agreed “so I wrote, To be releasing this out of spite hurts me, the people I love selling my daughter’ pictures for a quick buck. My daughter is not a pawn, but before this comes out I am the one to post this first. Fenty Clara Brown, a true blessing. God’s blessing, the peace I needed when I was feeling low. She will be loved; she will know love and her first love will be her father. Her immaculate features, her little smirk which exposes her dimple, when she stares with such love in her eyes. Perfection, perfection we created @chrisbrownofficial. So I am going to post this and then another one on our wedding day, let me get that open” nodding my head but I am too busy staring at Robyn in sadness, I just feel for her so much.

Robyn turned her phone to me “before the world found out, look at my smile” looking at picture, smiling at the picture “happier when the world is shut out” I said smiling “yeah so I wrote, this happened. I married my best friend, and I don’t regret a single thing, I married my best friend in Mexico alongside my best friends, sorry if you weren’t invited but if you are a friend to me then you will understand why. This alongside the birth of my daughter is the most special date for me, happiest when I am in his arms. The most misunderstood man with the sweetest soul and the most love to give, I am not going to say this was all easy because it wasn’t, we are human, we are not perfect. When I found out I was pregnant I expected him to be a baby father, that was all. That night in Barbados he turned to me and told me he wanted to make me an honest woman out of me, I thought to myself me, an honest woman nobody wants me to make me that. But he meant it, and he meant every word in our vows. He is with me now, looking at me in sadness knowing that my own family member is doing this to me. Some may disagree but it doesn’t matter, I married my one true love, and I am proud of him, proud to be his wife. Just call me Robyn Brown from now on” Robyn looked up at me, she got choked up “awww Chrissy is emotional, you baby” Jah patted my leg, she got me for real choked up here, I think it is a lot going on right now.

[semper-legens]

142. Greenwitch, by Susan Cooper

Owned?: Yes Page count: 104 My summary: In Cornwall, the Greenwitch is being made. And she has a secret. The Drew children are back, and with their strange new friend, Will Stanton, they are looking for another Thing of Power - but the Dark is still strong against them, and the grail has been stolen. My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:

Greenwitch is a strange little entry into The Dark Is Rising series - and ‘little’ is the operative word. It’s the shortest book, and looking at it from a purely plot perspective, not a lot happens, and yet it ranks higher for me just because it contains so much stuff that deeply interests me. I’m not sure how much of it is entirely intentional and how much is my own interpretation, but there we go.

This book is the funniest of the five, and it’s entirely due to the clash between the Drew kids and Will Stanton. The reader knows what Will’s deal is, that he’s an Old One and connected to the Light and way more clued in than the Drew kids are, but they don’t know that, and they keep treating him like some hanger-on. And Will, rather than letting them know who he is, just kind of trolls them? For the whole book? By pretending to be some reasonably clueless kid then wiping their minds and fucking off into the ocean? It’s really funny, if somewhat damaging to Will as a character - I lost a bit of sympathy for him, because why not tell the kids what’s going on? But I’ll get into that a bit more later.

Let’s talk about Jane. Barney and Simon don’t really do all that much in this one other than accidentally scrying for the Dark and being Barney’s bodyguard, respectively. It’s Jane who provides the actual plot furthering, and she does this by being invited to a women-only ritual to make the titular Greenwitch, a figure made of twigs and leaves and ritualistically cast into the sea every year. People who touch the witch get a wish, and Jane wishes that the Greenwitch be happy. Later, it’s revealed that the Greenwitch holds a second manuscript piece that the Light needs, and Jane ends up getting it by...asking nicely and being compassionate to this creature. The Greenwitch herself isn’t particularly powerful, she just has the McGuffin, and doesn’t want to give it up. I find this interesting in the contrast between what the book calls Wild Magic and High Magic, the latter being the magic of the Old Ones. All of the High Magic users we see bar one are men - the Wild Magic, by contrast, is very feminised, being the realm of the sea goddess Tethys and the Greenwitch. Jane is the one who can unlock its secrets - Will and Merry’s trip to the depths yields no fruit. It’s an interesting look at gender roles in magical traditions, specifically the folk magic associated with women and the more academic magic associated with men, and I’m into it.

So Merriman and Will don’t really...do anything in this one. It gets more evident as you go through the series that apparently the only people who can save the world are literal children, which is troubling in its implications because, you know, they’re children, and Merry especially doesn’t let the Drew kids in on any of the secrets that would help them, despite the fact that not only is he placing them in harm’s way, he’s doing so while knowing full well what’s going in and refusing to share that information? It’s a bad look for Merry, and does tie a little into a theme through the later books that I’ll talk about next time, the callousness of the Light. It showed up a little in the last book, but it’s much more overt later. Either way, Merry really needs to be actively helping out these literal children more, Jesus Christ.

Finally, I want to touch on something that only just occurred to me on this readthrough - in the later books, the Dark aren’t really much of a solid threat? We hear a lot about the Dark rising, how if the Dark comes to power that would be the worst thing ever, and in the last book we saw some agents of the dark in the world doing evil. Here, we have one guy. He’s not that high up in the Dark - indeed, the Lords don’t know he’s here. And he’s pretty easily defeated, and we also don’t really know what the negative effects of him achieving his goal are other than the Dark being strengthened. Even that we take for granted would be a bad thing based entirely on the fact that anything called the Dark’s gotta be bad. It’s interesting, and especially interesting in that I didn’t realise it until now?

Anyway, despite my complaining, I do really like this one. Next up - over the border to Wales with The Grey King!

[thevagueambition]

i haven't rewatched most of them in a while but here's the second half of rhe Harry Potter Movies from worst to still very bad

Irredeemable: Order of the Phoenix

absolutely horrendous. takes my favourite of the books and goes through its motions without capturing any of its feeling. First of all Harry doesn't yell at Ron and Hermione about being isolated all summer to the point where Hermione starts crying when they reunite which is fake and bad and Let Your Movies Have Pathos. is this why people think Harry isn't canonically traumatised lmao

I don't mind Neville getting the credit for Dobby tipping them off about the Room of Requirement although it does make his reappearance in the DH part 1 movie really weird because iirc we haven't seen him in the movies since CoS, but cutting Marietta Edgecombe and making the discovery of Dumbledore's Army not a betrayal from within but something literally forced out of Cho with veritaserum that is then still treated as if it were a betrayal is very bad. In the books, Harry and Cho drift apart because Cho insists on defending her traitor of a friend whereas in the movie Harry is apparently just victimblaming Cho for being fed a truth potion???

also they cut so many cool sections of the climax in the Department of Mysteries and it's like ?? prioritise your time to get just some of this in there damn. you don't really fully get the sense that this is For Real the time the golden and silver trio are On Their Own in the Real World outside Hogwarts the way you do in the book because they're simply there for way too short a time before the adults show up for that to get through also they don't really establish the veil much so Sirius falling through it is super random

okay maybe the one redeemable thing is that they did Luna alright. even if she is way more autistic in the books

I Hate It Here: Deathly Hallows Part 2

Book!Harry spends the entire book obsessing about Dumbledore's backstory only for movie!Harry to show up like "I really don't care what happened with you and your brother" WHO IS THIS DIPSHIT IMPOSTER.

did they like. think the Dumbledore story line wasn't hugely thematically relevant because it absolutely is. every book in the second half of the series is partially about growing up and dealing with the adults you look up to being fallible

since 1) they cut the Dumbledore sl and 2) men aren't allowed to cry in these movies, the scene at King's Cross is pointless outside it's completely utilitarian function of giving Harry the choice to go back to life or not. again, Dumbledore tearfully apologising to Harry is fucking important. Harry's empathy for the piece of Voldemort's soul screaming under a bench somewhere is relevant

also cutting the Dumbledore Plot makes the ollivander and Grindelwald stuff with the wand super fucking random lmao

Voldemort dying in a puff of smoke because Cool Visual Effects when again, him dying *like the regular human he is at the end of the day* is hugely thematically important is also bad

Have Dumbledore's Army even been doing anything at Hogwarts before the golden trio show up??? you don't super get the sense they have lol.

generally this movie just seems interested in doing all the hashtag cool memorable moments with no thematic or even like narrative coherence

Really Bad: Half-Blood Prince

the stuff in diagon alley is done really weirdly and that attack on the burrow they added is also really weird

the mischaracterisation of Dumbledore present ever since Gambon took over becomes a particular problem because like a really big problem once Dumbledore becomes a central character because all the super poignant moments between Harry and Dumbledore are bereft of most of the emotionality they have in the book especially the cave seen where Gambon!Dumbledore is too manly to cry hysterically I guess

the death scene is also absolute nonsense like the ONLY reason mister "has a saving people thing" doesn't act to stop Dumbledore's murder/assisted suicide in the book is that he LITERALLY CAN'T, he's petrified under an invisibility cloak, under literally no fucking circumstances would he just stand around while someone threatened Dumbledore least of all Draco fucking Malfoy

they also like??? cut the actual climax of the book in favour of making the cave the climax I guess?? like in the book there's a giant fight happening at Hogwarts between Dumbledore's Army + some Order of the Phoenix members and the Death Eaters while in the movie I guess the Death Eaters just wandered in, killed Dumbledore, burned Hagrid's hut and left??? and no-one did anything lmao????

movie!Ginny is such a disgrace to book!Ginny, it's not the actors fault they don't have chemistry after probably feeling like siblings having known each other that long but by god is every romance scene they have an awkward mess

young!Tom Riddle is like hilariously obviously evil, even in his teenage appearance where he's supposed to be CHARMING slughorn into giving him information

also this is a petty point but young!Dumbledore should have looked gay and flamboyant like in the book and he doesn't this is homophobia

the best thing about this movie is that one video on YouTube where someone cut the funny moments together to look like the trailer for a teen movie because yeah to be fair this probably IS the funniest of the movies so at least it has that going for it

Still Very Bad: Deathly Hallows Part 1

Mostly just kind of boring iirc?? They fail to get a lot of the ways muggleborn witches and wizards are being overtly discriminated against accross in their version of the scenes in the Ministry of Magic which is uh bad when that's a huge point about how easily a reactionary government is turned fully fascist and Umbridge isn't just "haha toad" she's specifically super mega fascist and has always been so, the shift in power is conveniet to her as a fascist who would make do with what she could do under a conservative government but can now do those things overtly and openly. the fact that she existed comfortably under Fudge and is now showing herself to be fully onboard with Voldemort's preferred policy is an important point

all the movies hate Ron and they are wrong they shouldn't fight me irl Steve Kloves like never is your Harmony agenda more obvious than this movie

this becomes an even bigger problem when you have Ron's arc of letting his inferiority complex get to you because if you don't understand Ron, you won't be able to do him justice

since the movies hate Ron as well as men having feelings, the stuff when Hermione is being tortured upstairs by Bellatrix and Ron is fucking losing it is also not done justice

the Dobby stuff just feels like Here's A Cool Moment For The Fans in the movie because again Dobby hasn't been the presence throughout that he is in the books. like Dobby is legitimately their friend in the books in the movie it just feels like he's doing it as a sort of life debt thing for Harry freeing him or something

the first four movies were fine. the third is probably my favourite even though that one definitely also includes Some Choices. my full preference list is: 3, 1, 2, 4, 7p1, 6, 7p2, 5 (for comparison, my books preference goes 5, 6, 3, 7, 1, 4, 2)

[vaguely-concerned]

even MORE mandalorian ep 3 observations

this episode is so dense there’s just so much stuff in it!

- every single moment of baby yoda looking around in wonder and trepidation and trying to get mando’s attention is a fresh dagger in my heart. dishonorable mention to when he sees the small-ish alien in the spacesuit in the market and makes a quizzical noise and looks up at mando because it so perfectly matches up to how babies go ‘???’ at their parents to get explanations and reassurance. also the baby totally gets bad vibes off the storm troopers immediately and glances up unsettled but all full of trust like ‘dad why are we here?’ aUGH this short walk is probably going to haunt me and mando both for the rest of our lives

his little mouth falling open when he sees the doorbell eyestalk thing haha he’s doing the shocked pikachu face!

- when dr pershing is scanning the baby and it looks uncomfortable you can see mando moving forward just a little bit. dad instincts clearly screaming and kicking to get to the surface there lol

with the reveal in episode 7 that the empire dude is kind of an unironic mandalorian fanboy... boy this whole thing feels real weird 

- if my eyes do not deceive me I think mando’s hands are actually shaking when he reaches out for the beskar. you’re welcome I didn’t want to be alone in knowing this

- you might find yourself wondering how many bars of beskar the reward consists of and who would be enough of a loser to pause the show just to count them out. I can inform you that it seems to be 20 altogether, 10 per stack. (i’d really thought they’d go for 30, just to twist that fucking salt-encrusted knife in the wound)

- “My armor has lost its integrity; I may need to begin again” fhsakdlfhds  OH MY GOD he was not kidding; on the first watch I was just thinking about the breast plate but if you look closely half of his armor is just loosely tied on with rags fskdjfhask everyone else probably realized this before but what can I say I’m slow and easily amused

like yeah okay that’s a line with great thematic resonance and importance -- yes, he is going to have to change and essentially start over -- but also... poor mando had to clean his muddy armor post-mudhorn and then after bending the pieces back into shape as best he could he resorted to TYING THEM BACK ON that is one of the funniest and most endearing things I’ve ever seen, this is the way motherfuckers (Actual Engineer Kuiil watching him and shaking his head like ‘well that looks like so much scrap metal to me at this point but you do you kid’)

- just like in episode 1: while the armorer is preparing to work the camera occasionally cuts back to mando and every time there’s the sound of people screaming in the background fklhdsalkfhsda it’s just so UPSETTING

they keep zooming in on the melting Empire symbol in this one -- it’s definitely meant to underscore the general unease of the situation both because of the baby and the y’know empire part, but is it also hinting that mando might be flashing back to something to do with the purge too in a less direct way? :Ia

- relatedly: the armorer remains so fucking cool. I love how her design tells you that she’s clearly a part of the group but also something more, between the gold and the fur and the more refined/owl-like helmet shape. she looks so sturdy, like you might as well try to move a mountain. she also looks timeless compared to the others, you can absolutely believe she’s the personification of their traditions. (traditionally mandalorian armor has just looked. really really silly to me so huge kudos to the design team of this show making me go HELL YEAH whenever I look at mando or the armorer)    

- cha boy pulling up to the club with a fresh new colour scheme lol it was nice of the tribe to give him a new cape and... idk what you’d call that fabric stuff he wears under the metal armor but it’s all in a unified Look now. ‘this would be appropriate for your station’ huh, so is he pretty high up their ranks? is this a seniority thing? some of the mandos in the background look very basic compared to mando, paz vizla and the armorer -- is it possible that a lot of the older mandos died in the purge and they fought to save the younger ones? this group does seem very focused on protecting the children (the foundlings are the future)

- hahaha mando has his hands tightly curled into fists the entire time he sits during the talk with greef karga -- his whole body is going ‘actually. this. is FINE I can’t believe how fine it is I can totally keep going like this’ through gritted teeth. so much good hand acting in this ep! and I love how in this new armor he’s coming out of his indifference and apathy -- what are the empire remnants doing here in the first place, actually? what the hell do they want with a baby? he comes alive a bit and it’s incredibly satisfying 

- it really takes him all of twenty seconds after noticing the missing metal ball to make up his mind to do this completely buckwild thing. I love him

- credit to dr pershing for trying to shield the baby with his own body even though he’s a bespectacled noodly scientist with no weapons up against a dude in full armor and the wrath of gods in his bearing right then. 

- the baby opens his eyes and realizes who’s carrying him while they’re inside the base and he leans his little head against mando’s chest 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 too bad this happens when mando is too preoccupied literally roasting a stormtrooper to notice but I saw it and I cried 

- that little uh jump almost? when mando opens fire when he’s surrounded by the bounty hunters? YES WONDERFUL. and he’s still so gentle when he puts the baby down ;___;

- you know mando’s grappling line is in many ways the polar opposite of his flame thrower. reliable. sturdy. incredibly versatile. unflashy but gets the job done. look at how well your brother is doing, flame thrower, why can’t you be more like him 

also he does seem to sort of like greef karga even though he doesn’t trust him very much (and rightly so haha), and karga’s regret that mando broke the code doesn’t seem entirely rooted in losing his best man either. like they clearly don’t understand each other (or at least karga VERY Does Not Understand how mando actually works under the surface, when he’s not just going through the motions) but there’s a sense of mutual respect there anyway. I wonder just how long they’ve been working together (this being star wars... how much do you bet we’re getting tie-in novels explaining just that lol)

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 2 - Resurrect Bracket (Losers Bracket) Side B

ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to [make it to the finals]

Propaganda below ⬇️

Temenos

so his whole thing is he's an inquisitor who is just fundamentally bad at being a priest on account of he does things like forgetting scripture and not being able to help but doubt the institution which gets everyone hes ever cared about killed. he's gay. he says shit like "careful, i bite". he's in yuri with a holy knight. he's one of my favorite characters and i want to beat him over the head with a cast iron skillet

fucked up gay little cleric who was supposed to grapple with the fact that the institution he serves is corrupt except he has been in doubt from the very beginning and very clearly doesnt put much stock in the scripture hes made it his lifes work to preach. hes kinda a freak with it. every line he speaks is said with the cadence of a gay guy checking under his nails while ignoring you as he talks. i have to hit him with mallets and shatter him into pieces.

This man is the world's worst clergyman. He's a high ranking member of the holy inquisition, but nobody respects him and he mostly just uses his position to investigate random murders for fun. He regularly forgets how the bible goes and little kids have to correct him on how the plot goes of the jrpg equivalent of jesus's resurrection. He has a holy knight for a boyfriend. He tortures people for information any other character can just ask for. His best friend out of the rest of the main 8 is an assassin and gang member. He tries to get people to commit crimes with him. His story is about uprooting the corruption in his church and killing high ranking church members and also Literal Fucking Jrpg satan. He regularly blasphemes and everyone around him looks in horror as he shouts at god and encourages people to become atheists. His catchphrase is "doubt is what I do." He is still somehow the most devout character in the entire game despite being a total fuck up of a cleric who does not deserve to be here whatsoever. Pls let him win it'd be SO FUNNY

Hes genuinely just the funniest guy. Very little about his story has to do with the faith but like. He routinely roasts the entire pantheon of in-universe gods. He beats people up (metaphorically of course) as one of his main game mechanics. He got stamped as the resident gayboy SO fast. His starliner definitely has higher intelligence than wisdom even though clerics use wisdom. Every chapter he appears in he solves a mystery by zoning out so hard his god blesses him with extremely vivid hallucinations. He's so deeply fucking traumatized. One of his battle skills is fully just beating his enemies up with his staff. He ends up defunding the police. He can very casually become a thermonuclear bomb but in a very holy way. His best friend is a 23-year-old assassin that exclusively calls him "Detective". Is he Catholic (ish)? Yeah, but he certainly doesn't always act like it.

He constantly commits heresy and doubts the gods but is still the not-Pope's right hand man

Listen, imagine you'd go to church and your priest gets roasted by kids for forgetting how the bible goes. That's him, canonically even. He's like if a redditor who wants to be a detective was cosplaying as a holy man. He's someone whose whole thing is doubting the gods and the church, to the point where he makes another person question his faith too, even though he is technically The holy man. He's absolutely unhinged and gay. He's 30 years old and absolutely does not look like it. He's traumatized, and cannot be sincere and honest about his feelings even once. He should go to therapy actually. Like desperately. For his sake and everyone around him.

he is from the faith but he doubts everything around him to find the truth through it........ also i'd like to see him torment the crotchety priest i had to do a face-to-face confession with in high school. it'd be funny.

FATHER BROWN BUT MAKE HIM GAY AND PLAGUED BY TRUST ISSUES. This man will forget his own sermons, beat people up for infos and, at the same time, gets to be the fantasy equivalent of a youth pastor. He somehow manages to be the most unhinged person in a party that includes a vengeful math professor who can and WILL mug people. He might not be the most devout Catholic of them all, but he is definitely the *funniest* one. Give it up for the world's shittiest priest!

i’m gonna be honest temenos is a TERRIBLE catholic but he’s funny and i love him. he also has a weird gay thing going on with a paladin it’s great.

Doug

I know the movie is called VelociPastor but he's actually a Roman Catholic priest and a velociraptor too.

Please watch velocipastor. I don't think I could describe it if I tried.

Doug is canonically a Roman Catholic priest who is questioning his religion after his parents die.

He turns into a velociraptor and decides to fight crime. I don’t wanna spoil it but the movie is batshit insane

[purplesurveys]

851

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? Uncomfortable because of period cramps and the heat WHICH IS STILL HERE, even though it’s supposed to be gone right about now and it’s supposed to be raining at this point. I wish I was kidding saying this but we literally have three electric fans turned on just for the living and dining rooms. It’s crazy and stupid and it shouldn’t be this hot anymore. I’m doing better mentally and emotionally, so at least that balances things out lol.

Are you currently in quarantine? Still am. While all countries are slowly going back to normal, our Covid cases continue to get higher and higher everyday because our government hasn’t done anything except to make us stay home for three months. No mass testing, no alternate public transport plans, and for some reason Duterte keeps borrowing billions of dollars’ worth of loans from the World Bank nearly every week, and we have no idea where the stupid fucking money goes. Our government is convinced they’ve been doing everything right so they’ve loosened up quarantine protocols, so with malls and restaurants being open again we’ve done nothing but reach record high cases almost every day.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? I’ve gone outside a total of three times since March and I wore a mask for two of those times. The first time I went out I just genuinely forgot to bring a mask, but in the end it was fine because I only had to stay in the car.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? As far as I know it’s not a requirement per se, but fortunately everyone follows the safety precautions anyway.

Do you know anyone who’s had the coronavirus? Yeah, my mom’s former boss. This is a bit of a stretch but I also know someone personally who had immediate family members that tested positive.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? I had a peanut butter doughnut from J.CO! Soooooooo good.

Was it a nice day out today? No, it’s too hot. Even if life was normal rn I’d prefer to be indoors with air conditioning, like a mall.

Is the weather nice where you live usually? Fuck no. It is disgustingly hot, sticky, and humid 3/4 of the year.

What was the last thing you ordered online? I don’t do a lot of online shopping. When I get something online it’s usually to get food delivered, and the last time I did that it was me and Andrew getting Hong Kong noodles.

Are you expecting a package right now? Nopes.

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? No, though I remember Good Mythical Morning featuring it in a couple of episodes. I don’t feel comfortable buying from stores or sellers that sell things for a lot cheaper because they could always be fake, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying from that site.

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? I’m not, but I do have my own channel. I just use it to like videos and subscribe to my favorites, though.

What is one thing you hate about summer? The weather. Honest to goodness I’d really rather live somewhere that gave me -40C weather everyday.

Did you go outside today? No. My dad wanted to bring Cooper to my grandma’s place and I planned to come along, but at the last minute he changed his mind and did just the errands he was supposed to do.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? It’s just my full name because my YouTube is linked to my Google account.

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? I don’t know any instances where that would happen. I don’t find service charge inconvenient because I know that directly goes to the servers anyway so I don’t mind how high it gets most of the time. Is your room more often messy or clean? It’s clean most of the time but sometimes when I’m busy I won’t be able to keep it clean and it’ll be clean-messy? Like I’ll leave stuff around but I’ll still know where everything is lol.

Who is someone you miss? ALL MY FRIENDS BRUH

What is something you miss? Being able to go out and freely do activities. Life Pre-COVID < Life pre-COVID, perfectly put. I miss getting an allowance, being out until midnight, having dates with my girlfriend thhe most.

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? Not necessarily, but they can get pretty unstable sometimes.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? Nah but I’ve been given a prescription that didn’t work. We went to our family doctor who made me take a certain medicine for three days, and I started getting worried when three days had passed and I still had my fever. I went to Angela’s mom and she was super quick to tell me that that medicine wasn’t the right one to take for a UTI and prescribed me with something else; and that second one ended up working like magic.

Have you ever been “diagnosed” with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn’t that frustrating? That’s never happened before, but if it did I wouldn’t let my frustration get the best of me. I’d just tell them that they should avoid doing that if they’re not a professional because they could very much end up seriously harming people.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? All of them.

What was the name of your favorite roommate you’ve had? Kimi :)

Do you have a favorite book that you’ve read multiple times? Yeah when I was a kid I would reread this book that an aunt had given me for Christmas as much as I could. For many years I forgot the title but after painstakingly Googling the few keywords I could remember I finally found out it again – it’s a series called Three Girls in the City by Jeanne Betancourt, but I only ever read the first book because it was the only gift I got. It’s not my favorite book, but I’d be so happy if I got to be reunited with it again because I don’t think we got to keep it around when we moved houses.

What’s one book or book series that you’ve read multiple times? ^ That, multiple wrestling memoirs, and Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. I’ve also reread the Twilight Saga once.

What was the name of the funniest kid you’ve ever babysat? I never babysat anyone other than younger relatives, but the one I enjoyed taking care of the most was my cousin Lucas. He was the smartest kid I babysat so it was fun talking to him, plus his yaya was always nice to me, they had a playground and sandbox at home, and all I had to do was keep him company while he watched Thomas and Friends over and over.

Do you enjoy babysitting? Just the younger relatives that were smarter and more behaved. I didn’t like the kids who thought kicking and being rowdy were fun.

Do you have any big regrets? One big one.

Are there things about your past that bother you? Of course. My entire childhood is one.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? OMG get ready for this one. Our dumb as a rock presidential spokesperson was talking about how happy he is that the country beat UP’s (my school, which the government hates because we always talk shit about them lol) prediction of 40,000 Covid cases by the end of June if the government doesn’t do anything to prevent more cases. How many cases do we have? Fucking 36,000. Our government is happy because they finally beat our school over something for the very first time and they are technically happy that we got 36,000 cases, which if you round up will give you 40,000 anyway. My school had a fucking FIELD DAY over it and now he is a national meme.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? At first I didn’t but that’s because I wasn’t active on Facebook in the past anyway. After I realized that I had a bigger friends list on Facebook I decided to put it to good use and post about controversial topics to educate others. It’s made a bunch of conservative family members uncomfortable and that’s the goal, son. 

Do you think it’s a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it’s better to discuss serious topics in person? It definitely is. In person is good too but you don’t always get that opportunity, so sharing stuff through social media doesn’t hurt too as long as information is accurate. For instance most of my relatives life far from me, so if I want them to get a piece of my mind about Trump or BLM or abortion, sharing informative graphics and tables is always convenient.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? Without Seeing the Dawn by Stevan Javellana is my absolute favorite. It’s probably the closest thing to being my favorite book. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry is a good runner-up. On the other hand, Dekada ‘70 by Lualhati Bautista is my favorite that was written in Filipino.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? Nope. I really believe I was meant to fail algebra in my freshman year in high school because I failed every exam, but I think my teacher just took pity on me and gave me a barely-passing mark at the end of the year so that I didn’t have to go to summer school. As for college, I’ve never failed a class.

What class in school did you hate the most? In college I hated my economics elective. I still don’t know why that’s mandatory for us journ students... I also dreaded a couple of journalism classes, but it was more because of the teachers than the classes’ topics.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? I don’t think so.

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? Having a big house; becoming a firefighter.

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I’ve already said it on this survey, but: fuck no. I’m ok where I am now, even if I am a clumsy adult.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? Being an adult. Being a kid meant having to stomach the smell of hard alcohol and cigarettes from morning to evening everyday; being caught in the middle of screaming matches between drunk relatives; and being cramped in a single-floor home with 12 people. Like I said, I love where I am now. The amount of independence I gained in college was freeing and felt so nice and I’m glad my parents never tried holding me back. I’m also glad that I didn’t fall into the same alcohol trap, and that I know how to deal with my alcohol responsibly.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? Around college-age, so like when I turned 18.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? Neither of them did, because we had enough alcoholism happening at my old home. It was actually my drunken relatives that finally drove my mom out of that house.

Do you enjoy bonfires? I’ve only been to one and I was like 9 years old then, so I wouldn’t know how I feel about them now.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? Nope.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? No allergies.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also nopes. I always feel bad for the ambulances that I see because I live in a very traffic-heavy city and they always end up getting stuck and crawling through traffic like the rest of us. We do try to swerve, but our roads are so tiny and always cramped that there’s little space left for us to move out of the ambulance’s way, so even though we’re able to make a path for it, the space is not big enough for the ambulance to drive in the speed it’s supposed to.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? That’s a big no thanks from me.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? Yeah, I follow some of them if I think they are nice.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? Nope, because I am not.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you’ve known whom this has happened to. My mom, Athenna, Macy. The only person I don’t resent out of these three is Macy, because I know she turned distant due to mental health issues and because she wants to fix herself first, which is responsible.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? We don’t have SAT.

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? I loved taking history electives in college, and I performed the best in them too. I also did well in international relations, which was under the political science department.

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by my mom ever since I can remember.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? If we’re getting visual then I’d rather say that I have one ugly, infected gash that gets bothersome from time to time. My past isn’t made up of little tiny scattered wounds.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? Behind my back, probably.

Are you a jerk? I can be, so I don’t mind being called it. I never said I was the nicest person.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? They have always been white. My mom doesn’t let us have control over our own rooms, so in the beginning it’s always been plain boring white. Don’t get me wrong, I like my room but sometimes it just feels like living in a cell.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? I wish I was still close with my high school friends, and I remember saying how they were for keeps in my old surveys so that makes me extra sad haha. I’m civil with most of them, but no longer close. And I only ever talk to them if it’s their birthdays or if they achieved something big. The only people I’ve remained close with from that original group are Angela and Hans.

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? Not really. Sofie and I have grown apart from each other now and we’re both very happy, so there’s no need to change that. I’m okay with seeing her once or twice a year.

Who has hurt you the most? My mom.

Have you been bullied? Yeah in kindergarten. Long-lasting effects though.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? No thanks. I don’t have the kind of talent that I can show off, like singing or playing an instrument.

Do you know anyone who’s auditioned for American Idol? I don’t think so. But my mom knows someone who auditioned for our local version of America’s Got Talent. He’s a ventriloquist that my mom used to get for our parties. As far as I know he got into the grand finals, but I’m not sure if he won.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn’t yet? American Idol’s been over for a while now.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? I love the evenings.

What’s one way in which you’ve changed within the last ten years? I was in sixth grade then, I’ve graduated from college now. My mom was purely verbally abusive to me then, now we have brief stints of having an actually healthy relationship. I had one dog then and I have two dogs now; I had no friends then and I have tons of them now. There’s been a lot of tiny changes but nothing that were life-changing.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? It goes both ways depending on how stimulated I am or how much fun I’m having.

Who do you know who has died of cancer? One of my great-aunts.

Has there been cancer in your family? Yeah, ^ that. Other than her I’m not sure if we’ve had other cases. My family tends to be hush-hush about cancer and only ever call it ‘c’ or ‘the big one.’

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? Yes, once for a low platelet count.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No but the cops here are just as corrupt as the ones in the US, so I can very much be a victim any time. It’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the right time.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? Not so much that I wanted to sue someone, no.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? My country isn’t diverse at all and we’re all Filipinos here, and I’ve only ever traveled to Asian countries, so no. But racism is a big reason why I have no plans to go to other countries known for it.

Have you ever deleted a friend on Facebook for making racist comments? I’ve unfriended those who were being little bitches about BLM and George Floyd’s death, so I guess that kinda counts as being racist. I still have a few racist Facebook friends that I keep around, but that’s because they’re family members.

What was the last thing you ate? Binagoongan.

What was the theme of your senior prom? Clair de Lune, so like the moon and shit.

Did you go to prom? It was mandatory, so I had to go even though I really had no interest.

Have ever been engaged or married? I have been neither.

Are you an aunt or uncle? Nah but I’m a godmother to one of my cousins.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? LOL no

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? It could be better and more filled with activity. But I’m not miserably depressed right now and that’s more than enough for me.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? It was slightly better. I feel like 2014 was my best year.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? Not anything that ruined my life or someone else’s, no.

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? Basic needs?? So you mean poverty? No.

Do you hate social injustice? Absolutely. Anyone who tolerates it is automatically a gigantic prick, I’d say.

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? No. I don’t know how it translates to English, but in Filipino we have this term called naghaharing-uri that comprises the very very very very tiny top of the social pyramid and it’s made up of top government officials and their families, heads of corporations, old money families, etc. It’s no secret that it’s this 1% that exploits the 99% remaining in the pyramid, so even though I’m relatively comfortable in my class, I hate that, when it comes down to it, we’re only being used by this 1% for their own benefit.

Life isn’t fair. True or false? True.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? Sometimes, if it’s for stuff about social injustice and how some people have to be homeless, why homophobia exists, etc. But if it’s for tiny problems, I feel like they’re necessary sometimes so we can learn from them.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. Some richer kids that I know.

Who do you go to when you’re upset? Sometimes myself, sometimes Gabie.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? A LOT LESS, thank fuck I got out of that trap.

Do you pray a lot? Definitely not.

Do you frequently have back pain? Yeah, haha. Kinda expected considering I have scoliosis.

What’s the worst side effect you’ve experienced for a medication? and what’s the worst withdrawal effect you’ve experienced from a medicine? Nothing worse than diarrhea. I’ve never experienced withdrawal.

Have you ever used an epi pen? Nopes.

What’s a name that you like but probably wouldn’t use for one of your kids? Isabella because I’m already an Isabelle and my girlfriend has a sister named Isabela.

What’s your name, and do you like it? Robyn. I like it now.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names? Common, more old-school names. I just feel like they sound super elegant.

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? Angela, Andrew, and Gab.

Who have you felt the most valued by? ^ Them.

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? For sure.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? Oh my god this survey is so long... we didn’t have bullies in high school. We had mean girls and mean girl cliques, but as long as you weren’t involved in drama with them you’d be fine.

Do you ever sleep outside? Nah. I’d sleep at the rooftop but there are sooooo many mosquitoes at night.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? Eldest.

How many kids do you want to have? One or two would be great.

Do you want to get married? Yessssssss.

Best date you’ve been on? Probably that time we went to BGC so we can feel fancy and have a fancy dinner, then when we meant to walk back to our car to go home we ended up having impromptu drinks at like 11 PM when we randomly found a jazz bar loudly playing live music in the area. OH and that time we went museum hopping in Manila and we ended the day having delicioussss Italian food.

Dream date? Traveling out of the country.

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? Nah. We celebrate New Year’s with our respective families so there’s no chance of that happening. Which is fine, because New Year’s is traditionally a family-centric holiday here so it would be weird for anyone to ditch their families.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? Sure.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? YES, with my toothache last year.

What brings you the most joy? My dogs.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? I’m at a point where it still keeps changing, so I don’t wanna give an absolute answer to this just yet.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? That’s never happened to me. I only ever gave up on one dream because it realistically wasn’t attainable, when it came down to it.

Who supports you in everything you do? My two best friends.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? I haven’t had anyone bar me, but if someone tried to they would definitely hear from me.

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? Not always.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? Of course.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? I already do.

[b-skarsgard]

Bill Skarsgård is on his feet, furiously pumping his arms back and forth. Standing 6-foot-4, he could cover a lot of ground if he wanted to, but he’s channeling a specific 5-year-old at play here.

We are talking about picking up other people’s physicalities and incorporating bits and pieces of them into his characters when he shoots up to demonstrate his bag of tricks. Standing in the open space of an Upper West Side home’s library, he brings his shoulders up to his ears, keeping the energy in his top half akin to a runner sprinting to his finish line, while from the waist down he appears more as a slow loris than Sonic the Hedgehog.

“That’s my little brother [Ossian],” Skarsgård says with a laugh, explaining the movement’s inspiration. “He’s 10 now, but when he was 4 or 5, he had a really funny way of running. You ever see kids do this? It’s the funniest thing ever.” Funny, sure, but when done by someone of the actor’s stature, slightly bewildering and creepy. “If you look at Pennywise,” he says, “Pennywise does this.”

Skarsgård is, of course, referring to his biggest role to date: Stephen King’s clown creation at the center of the “It” film franchise. As the evil entity known for eating children alive, Skarsgård has taken Pennywise the Dancing Clown—first imagined in King’s 1986 behemoth novel before being brought to the screen by Tim Curry in a campy 1990 miniseries—and morphed him into a truly terrifying being who brings into vivid clarity just how scary circus attire can be.

In case you somehow missed it, “It” premiered in 2017 and quickly became a pop culture phenomenon, grossing $700 million worldwide and breaking the record for the highest-grossing horror film of all time. It inspired Halloween costumes, “Saturday Night Live” spoofs, and a whole new generation of genre fans who will never look at red balloons the same way again.

Skarsgård and his cast—which includes kid co-stars Finn Wolfhard (“Stranger Things”), Jaeden Martell (“Masters of Sex”), Sophia Lillis (“Sharp Objects”), and a standout Jack Dylan Grazer (“Shazam!”), plus their adult counterparts Bill Hader, James McAvoy, Jessica Chastain, and James Ransone, respectively—are hoping to catch lightning in a bottle once more this September with “It Chapter Two.” Picking up 27 years after the first film and Pennywise’s apparent—but temporary—defeat at the hands of the Losers Club, the film is another chance for Skarsgård to showcase the impressive physicality and personality he brought to Round 1.

Just minutes into a conversation with the actor—and after that performance of a 5-year-old running—it’s clear his calculated character work is thanks to a keen sense of observation. Take the Swede’s analysis of Scandinavian cities, for instance: His hometown of Stockholm is not as laid-back as Copenhagen, which by comparison feels more European. Having been raised in Sweden to a family of acting royalty—Stellan Skarsgård (an Emmy nominee this year for “Chernobyl”) is his father and Alexander Skarsgård (Emmy winner for “Big Little Lies”) is his brother—he recalls his people as more serious, the type to follow rules and structure.

His observations let him steal tangible details and tics from strangers, friends, family, and cultures, pulling them into the people (and, in the case of “It,” evil entities) he plays.

“Sometimes I even do it subconsciously, where I do something in a scene and I’m like, Wait a minute, that’s the guy from the subway. I saw this guy and I thought he was weird. Now I just did it in a scene,” he says, getting excited. “I fucking love when it happens so much because it’s literally happening in the moment.”

He’s not Method in his acting, but Skarsgård’s approach certainly feels all-encompassing. He has the capacity to go so deep that he makes it a point to draw clear boundaries for himself; during the audition process, he consciously avoids getting too attached to the role, limiting his prep work to memorizing the sides and making a strong, well-thought-out choice about the character he’s playing.

“You can prepare as much as you want—prepare in terms of the scene or think about the character, but the research I put into a role is emotional, especially if I have a book to read about it,” he says. “The ‘It’ book is a really particular one, but usually, [if] you read about the character, delving much deeper into who [they are], you start getting emotionally attached. You can get emotionally attached to a character without doing much research at all. It’s just shitty when you don’t book it... For me, when I book it is when I let myself go [and] really feel safe to emotionally give so much of myself to it.”

His wariness is understandable when you look at his résumé. Life for any actor naturally ebbs and flows between bookings and rejections, but that’s amplified for an actor like Skarsgård, who has built a career on playing brooding types often living in dire circumstances. His breakout role stateside was as vampire Roman Godfrey on Netflix’s “Hemlock Grove” before going on to play a character in the third installment of the post-apocalyptic “Divergent” series and then a mysterious inmate who’s been theorized to be the actual devil in another Stephen King-inspired screen project, “Castle Rock.” It’s not exactly light fare, and diving into those psyches unnecessarily could become detrimental.

“I like living by [the motto] ‘It is what it is’; you adapt and you’re spontaneous and you change things,” Skarsgård says when asked if he adheres to any specific technique to capture the characters he plays. “My life is not very structured or organized to begin with, and that obviously bleeds into the work that I do.”

It’s the spontaneity of his choices onscreen, too, that makes the 29-year-old so fun to watch, particularly as Pennywise. Two of his contributions to the final incarnation of Pennywise’s appearance include the cartoonishly pointed bottom lip—a thing Skarsgård can really do with his mouth, something he says he’s never seen anyone other than his family members do—and Pennywise’s walleyed stare, in which one of his pupils wanders off to the side while the other stays firmly focused on you.

Physically, the role is demanding, requiring him to yell, shake, and contort his face in ways that leave him exhausted; that’s not to mention the hours spent sitting in hair and makeup. “You have glue all over your face; there’s paint. Your hair is up in [a skullcap]—it’s itching. There’s, like, a foam head on top of it.” To put it mildly, “It” and its sequel are unlike any of Skarsgård’s other acting experiences. For myriad reasons, it lacked the give and take of more traditional projects. He had to be at “150 percent intensity” whenever the camera was on him. “A lot of the stuff I do sometimes is literally like”—he makes a gurgling sound like a chainsaw underwater. “It’s like one big jump scare, charging the camera screaming and shaking my head violently. There’s never a scene where you’re just chilling.”

The final product is an amalgamation of script work, Skarsgård’s own imagination, and King’s classic novel, which he leaned on more than usual since the script, told from the perspective of the film’s child leads, necessarily left out Pennywise’s perspective. He also used YouTube to watch videos of mimes, hyenas, baboons, and monkeys, using elements from each to piece together the way Pennywise moves through space.

With all the information he’s gathered from his prep process at his fingertips, the on-set experience becomes about playing to the truth of the scene and the “essence of what the character is at that point.”

“You completely intellectualize the character,” he explains about the early stages of figuring out the person he’s playing. “Who is this guy psychologically? Why is he acting this way? What is his relationship with the world and the people closest to him? The way I do it is objectively going out and studying him separately from me. Observing him, judging him, understanding him, and sympathizing with him.”

He admits to developing a fondness for Pennywise, who refused to vacate his mental premises even after the film wrapped. “You go with a character and you think about that character obsessively for a very long time, and then overnight there’s nothing left to think about,” he says. The uncoupling manifested itself in his dreams, where he sometimes was Pennywise and sometimes was talking to Pennywise, upset that he was somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. “And then I wake up and I’m like, that was kind of sweet.” It’s the kind of affection only an actor who has lovingly pieced together a character over four years can have for something so objectively sinister.

But no matter the role—or its wickedness—we relish the moment Skarsgård stands up to show us what he’s found today.

[timeisacephalopod]

Ive seen endgame! Spoilers under the cut and I’m not tagging this as spoilers because I’m literally telling you now its spoilers.

1- what the fuck was the point of Tony’s kid? We had more than 10 years with this character, he doesn’t need a kid for emotional impact when he died and now I’m kind of pissed they threw this fucking random kid in there only to orphan the poor thing and make Pepper a single mother. What fucking bullshit. Never should have been a storyline.

2- Pepper in the suit yaaaaaas.

3- Wanda. Fucking loved her moments. And Thanos’ “I don’t even know who you are” was fucking iconic lmao. I mean her “you will” was okay but holy fucking damn that was the funniest shit from Thanos.

4- they killed viz permanently lmao yeah I didn’t give 2 tits and a snare drum about him anyway so I don’t care.

5- Steve. What the fucking fuck did they do to him? Don’t get me wrong, I like Peggy, and I liked him and Peggy in FA. They were cute. But it was a 4 month fling in the middle of of a war. Not that it can’t be important, but after 15+ years you are telling me a 4 month fling from Steve’s youth is more important to him than everything else? And what of Bucky? He leaves him to HYDRA and after all the shit he went through in WS and CW you’re seriously telling me he’d just LEAVE him there like that? I don’t mean to be a dick to Peggy because I do like her, but narratively speaking Bucky has always played more importance to her except when they want to make Steve feel nostalgic. I’m sorry, I’m fucking over that plot line.

More than that though she moved on in her show, she had a life after Steve and he went back and took that from her. And I don’t see why aside from no one let him grow as a character while also having him grow as a character. He went through a huge character shift in WS and then we saw nothing of it. Aside from his motivations in CW, which make sense given the context of WS however much I disagree, we see none of that development and I’m fucking tired of watching him lament over a relationship that lasted for a shorter time than a high school semester. To any normal person, and even to Steve given his non normal stance, he would have moved the fuck on. Also he made out with her niece that one time!! How is he living with this!

Also Sam says they never had a Captain America but Steve was still big when he danced with Peggy, which means he got the serum, which means he still can’t age right, which begs the question of how the tits long did he live? And again, what does this mean for everything else considering getting the serum implies he was, at some point, Cap even if he was never the Cap they knew. What the fuck! I’m actually the most mad about this because Steve, post WS, probably would have been one of my favorite characters given his extreme narrative shift and just how interesting that could have been if anyone ever fucking let him move on with his fucking self but no. Instead we end with him in the same spot he started in! I watched ten years of this shit for him to do NOTHING? All that development (that the narratives never really let him go through in totality because he narratively never shifted out of his War and Peggy Phase even while his character, on an individual level, moved out of that several times) and I watch him end in the same place he started?

Honestly I’m pretty pissed about that. Especially with all the did with Bucky. I seriously can’t believe Steve fucking left him there, ignored every piece of information he had, ruined Peggy’s original happy ending, and then didn’t even grow as a character. I like that he got a happy ending, I think he’s earned that, but I simply cannot believe a 4 month fucking fling meant so much he’d ignore his best friend, HYDRA, Peggy’s original marriage, the fact that he made out with her niece that one time, and everything else to end up exactly where he started. Which is why I don’t really care for him to begin with- because the narrative always leaves him right at the beginning and I don’t know how to invest in a character that grows but never grows. If he narratively was allowed to grow he would have been so. Much. Better. It is so fucking frustrating to me that he never moved the fuck on. You have no idea.

6- “I can do this all day” “Yeah I know”

7- “You look like melted ice cream”

8- Hated almost everything they did with Thor. Fat jokes? Yikes. Though I did love that ice cream line. Loved the bit with Frigga. And like. Thor being devastated and traumatized is ok. I think that’s realistic enough even if I wonder how someone that’s been alive for well over 1000 years doesn’t know how to handle himself with slightly more grace. I would have liked to see him crack differently.

9- Cap picking up Thor’s hammer and Thor being happy about it? 10 000 times better than the garbage Whedon wrote. Loved that.

10- Nebula. N E B U L A. NEEEEEBBBUUUUULLLLAAAA. Start to finish fucking loved her. She was amazing. 2 questions though- how did she not kill herself when she killed herself? Which in itself is a fucky question to ask. And also the second contention point I have with the movie beyond time travel bullshit is why NO ONE asked where she was post Nat (that in a minute). I know they were sad about Nat obviously but Rhodey is a full bird colonel, he keeps track of thousands of people for his job, plus all of his involvement in Tony’s antics, plus the Avengers and you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone even with Nat? And Tony, you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone? He was the one who bonded with her the most and he didn’t notice that he’s now technically lost two people he was close to? And Rocket? He didn’t notice? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that was bullshit.

Even if, by chance, Rhodey somehow didn’t notice his partner in crime was missing (”I wasn't always like this” “Neither was I”- new BroTP yo!) when I think his military experience alone would have made him the second most likely to notice after Rocket (because he knows her the best) then Rocket should have. And if for some reason Rocket didn’t notice despite her being all that’s left of his found family, making him extra invested in her whereabouts, over Nat, whom I think he’d care about but not like Nebula, then Tony, who spent all that time with her in space, would have noticed.

Fucking someone would have noticed her gone. And the whole second half relies on no one noticing this moment and I call absolute bullshit on that. Someone. Would. Have. Noticed. Rhodey if for no other reason than experience of keeping track of people in war zones, Rocket if for no other reason than her being his last remaining connection to his family, and Tony if for no other reason than Nebula being a large part of the reason he’s alive. I was completely thrown from the story here. I simply can’t see how they could over look that even considering Natasha.

11- Natasha. Are you fucking kidding me? You killed her over Clint? I fucking hate MCU Clint. He’s boring, he’s nothing like the comics, he’s a fucking prick, and I don’t give a fuck about his family or anything to do with him. I liked him best when he was going to kill himself for Natasha. That is the only moment, as Marie Kondo would say, sparked joy for me. Otherwise throw the whole thing out. Fucking Natasha over Clint. Fuck you. That was an insult to the viewers. I don’t give a fuck about Clint, I don’t give a fuck about his kids aside from thinking they didn’t deserve the snap, and I don’t give a fuck about his story.

My mom said he was a plain Timbit (donut hole for the US readers) in a donut world and I honestly think that’s insulting to the plain Timbit, which is something we give to dogs as treats in Canada. Clint isn’t even a dog treat to me and they killed Black Widow over him. Fucking pissed.

12- “That suit does nothing for your ass” “No one was asking you to look, Tony!” “That’s America’s ass!” .... “That is America’s ass”

13- I actually really liked what they did with Bruce. I was excited to see all the benefits of the Hulk and Banner in one! That was pretty cool!

14- Strange’s reappearance was pretty badass. And Wong! I was excited to see him there! Was a bit surprised by Tilda Swinton’s appearance but okay. I didn’t hate it. Loved when she punched Bruce out of the Hulk lmfao that was so funny. I do like that she apparently does that to everyone lmao. I should write a fic where she punches Wong’s soul out of his body when the meet just because I think it’d be funny. And I’d love to see more Wong.

15- Steve vs Steve was really cool, I liked that. And fucking Hail HYDRA holy fucking shit I almost lost my ass. Couldn’t fucking believe he said that (and knowing that he just leaves that all for Peggy, his 4 month fling? Find this wildly out of character for him). Then he fucks right off with the tesseract omg.

16- Scott had some iconic one-liners. “That’s America’s ass!” “Okay I'm going to go inside you” omg. Ant Man was a joy to watch in this. I find Endgame used his character right.

17- I know I said it but Pepper Potts in the fucking suit y’all! I don’t know who was watching Morgan but also Pepper Potts in the fucking suit!!

18- That time travel shit made things entirely way too fucky. I knew that’s what they were going to do because that’s all that made sense, but I thought it was fucking stupid. And can Thanos even snap the stones out of existence? Because Tilda Swinton’s speech implied if he did something like that timelines would essentially do the funky chicken and die. She removed the time stone and shit was supposed to get weird, remove all 5 and what happens? Wtf? He fucking hid those stones. Did like Thor’s bit there though, killing Thanos. I think Nebula earned it more than him but I also think it was a good moment for Thor before his character became a fucking joke. 

19- narratively I understand why they started with Clint’s family dusting but I don’t give a fuck about Clint or his dusted family. I would have preferred watching a civilian lose his shit.

20- Steve you need therapy, stop leading therapy sessions. Especially when your advice is ‘move on’ and you literally go fucking nowhere in your life even after you went all over hell’s creations. Get this man a proper therapist he needs like 15!

21- lmfao Russos talking about gay representation and it was a guy talking about a date. I shit you the fuck not that was it. Gay. It was barely even there. Only straight men would ever assume that could possibly count as representation holy fuck. Like thanks for the blink you miss it shout out I guess. You remembered gays exist, wow!

22- Strange’s one finger thing, I liked that a lot actually. I think it functioned both as a great call to action and a nice reference to Stephen’s power.

23- Quick question, why was Tilda Swinton in New York? Because they went back too far for Strange- at first I when they mentioned 3 stones in NY I was like wait, when’s Strange’s story supposed to happen? After WS right? He can’t be in NY with the stone? But then Tilda showed up and I was like... why isn’t she in Nepal at the teaching sanctum? Because apparently the NY one isn’t a teaching sanctum and as far as I knew she was training Mordo and Wong there at this time so wtf? And it can’t be explained with ‘she knew she needed to be there’ because she punched Bruce out of hulk and he had to grovel to her to get the fucking thing from her and only managed because she knew Stephen gave up the stone willingly and would never do so without good reason because he’s the best fo the best. So like. Why was she there aside from plot convenience? That was a little too easy. Frankly, the whole plot was a touch too easy but still.

24- tired of aliens we’re supposed to relate to looking like humans but in pink while aliens we’re supposed to dislike are animalistic and non human looking. That’s a garbage trope.

25- The black woman in the elevator who made Tony and Steve is 100% Fury’s mother no one can convince me otherwise. I think the timeline matches up but I don’t care if it doesn’t she’s his mom now. He gets it all from his mama.

Bonus: stop trying to make Howard happen, Marvel, its not going to. I fucking hated that scene with Tony and Howard. What kind of bullshit abuse apology was that? Howard then, sure, he didn’t suck quite yet and seems to be aware of his own shortcomings. Howard in the future? Sorry, irredeemable crap. Narratively interesting irredeemable crap but irredeemable nonetheless. Tony panicking and saying his last name was Potts was great though lol. I’ll take it as evidence he took Pepper’s last name when they got married.

Bonus Bonus: I cried when Sam held the shield. I’ve been gunning for Sam to take over as Cap since we met him and everyone told me it’d be Bucky. I argued that we’ve already seen the story of a super soldier as Cap, it would be more interesting to watch Sam as a relatively normal guy take over as Cap. And I like Bucky traumatized and Winter Solider-y. I think he’s more interesting that way. Seriously though, Sam as Cap will be amazing and I didn’t expect to cry at that of all things but I did. I’m so excited to see him in that role!

Bonus Bonus Bonus for any sorry fucking soul who’s made it this far in I think I might update the Tony, T’Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children verse to include Morgan (but older) finding Tony only she’s his actual assed kid and no one believes it even though they have a striking resemblance. Which annoys them both because he got the media to buy all his other fake kids with easy to track down parents but not his actual kid. Ending with Nebula showing up and him claiming she’s his kid and everyone buying it.

[lovelyirony]

Checkmate

@thormlm

Tony Carbonell was good at what he did. He knew it, no one else did. Why? Because again. He was good at what he did. Tony stole stuff. Not snacks from the convenience store, not jewelry from an old lady’s home. 

Documents that incriminated some syndicate. Paintings that no one in public had seen them. (Van Gogh had a crazy other side to his paintings, it was wicked.) And mostly, scammed enough people into forgetting his face. He was John Howard, Arno Stark, whoever he needed to be. He was not Tony Carbonell. He was just another face in the crowd. That’s how it was meant to be. 

There’s a new cop in town. “Corrupt,” or so they say. Not corrupt, just a little bit more willing to get criminals in jail than most. They call him Captain. He’s also known as Steven Grant Rogers, served in the army for three years, honorably discharged. Awards and honors out the ass, a degree in art history, and a talent for making posters for local events on the side. 

Captain is smart. He knows exactly where Tony’s kind hangs out, where they get information, and just what they call Tony. 

They call Tony “Iron Man.” It’s a stupid nickname, earned a few years earlier when Tony did a job involving a safe. No one knew how he did it. How the safe was opened, because no one had accessed it in months. And then, of course, they don’t look at who accessed it all those months before. Who pays attention the morning cleaners? 

Tony got in, he got out. No combination, just DNA processing. They don’t know how he did it, because a.) the man was dead, and it requires a recognizable strand of DNA to be done. b.) there were no relatives that thieves knew of. 

Keyword: knew. 

Tony robbed his own father, which really most people would have a problem. But as it turns out, Howard Stark was a piece of shit, and Tony really thought that the ruby cuff links and stacks of cash deserved to see the light of day and not rot in an iron safe in some “secure” bank. 

But that’s not the point, is it? The point is that Tony has to deal with Black Widow texting him “lol ur in deep shit” with a screenshot of Steve Rogers texting someone that he would get Iron Man. 

Which, you know, is great. Wonderful. Tony loves that he’s being pursued by a man with more resources than he needs to catch Tony. He loves knowing this all before he gets his coffee, the one that’s flavored Amaretto, and just sitting in his kitchen saying “shit.” He loves life. Wow. Tony wishes he could live forever, this is amazing news! Great, Tony might die! 

Fact: criminals who are convinced that they will never get caught are the worst. Tony has met many criminals who boast and say they will never get caught. He smiles, says “okay”, and watches from the back of the courtroom as they get sentenced to forty years in prison, rotting. Tony knows that eventually, he may get caught. But he’ll get to that when he gets to it. 

Tony calls Pepper first. She is his lawyer that he loves more than life itself, even though she has called him “an inconvenient goblin” and “really, Tony? This again?” She loves him, though. He knows that she does. So when he calls her and says 

“Hey Pepper, I’m in deep shit! Fun!” She knows Exactly what’s going to go down. Someone is onto Iron Man. Which means that she is on standby just in case things go haywire. 

“You might want to call Jim,” Pepper says. “You know how he gets when people threaten you.” 

“Overprotective?” 

“Careful,” Pepper suggests. “He’s not overprotective, you’re just reckless and paranoid.” 

“Those who aren’t paranoid die, Pep. Consider me an expert on that.” Once upon a time, Tony had not been paranoid. 

Then there was a car crash. An uncle who smiled and said it was so unfortunate, would Tony like to go on a trip to forget about it? Dubai, maybe? And then Tony ended up in Afghanistan where he was supposed to die. 

But that’s the thing, sometimes, about Paranoia: it gets you out of some weird situations. Tony was supposed to die. But he’s just paranoid enough of dying that it didn’t happen. 

Tony calls Rhodey up anyway. “Hello Rhodey! How are you today? I am doing Fantastically Wonderful, It’s So Nice Outside, What? No, I’m Not Bullshitting You--” 

“Yeah, you are. What’d you do?” 

“It’s more of what I’m about to do.” 

“If you’re finally buying that Danny Devito cardboard cutout, I’m legitimately cutting you out of my will.” 

“You can die?” 

“This life around? Yes. What’s your point?” 

“The Captain is coming after my ass.” 

“Like...in a sexy way?” Tony splutters. 

“You are Unbelieve, no, not that way. I cannot believe you thought that within, like, two months of knowing about the Captain, that he would even look my way.” 

“So he’s looking your way,” Rhodey says. “But in a ‘I might be murdered’ type of way?” 

“Exactly,” Tony responds. “So I may die in a couple of months to a year.” 

Rhodey laughs. “You’re so stupid, no you’re not. You ate an egg roll from a gas station in the middle of nowhere and you survived. It’s fine.” 

“I really feel like you’re not getting the severity of the situation,” Tony says. “The Captain is trying to catch me. And he knows more than enough about the criminal world to actually get the job done. He knows people.” 

“Like who?” Rhodey says. “The guy’s in the police force. He just got awarded for rescuing a cat, I hardly doubt that the people he knows can actually pull this off.” He’s kind of laughing. “I got your back.” 

“Against the Winter Soldier?” 

Silence. 

“Oh fuck. You’re screwed. You’re so screwed. Do you know how screwed you are?” 

“Screwed as a nail,” Tony mutters. “So I’m going off the grid. I’ll catch you in a year or something. I don’t know. Off-the-grid schedules are tricky.” 

“Don’t do anything weird, okay? Don’t, like, blow up the White House or something to escape.” 

“I don’t have access to that much C-4,” Tony quips. “Bye, honey bear.” 

Line goes dead. Phone gets smashed. Easy peasy, lemon whatever. 

Tony has fine taste. He’s not gonna deny that much. He has Italian leather shoes, pants specifically tailored for his legs and ass, and a passion for the finer side of thread-counts and furniture. All acquired through a man who goes by Bruce and Bruce only. He used to be a radiation scientist, Tony actually knows about him. But then something went haywire, he has anger issues, and refuses to talk about deep-seated issues. Can you believe? 

But Tony walks to the store, unassuming and beige with everything else. Ugh. Tony hates beige. 

“Bruce! I have a favor to ask!” 

“Yeah, what is it?” Bruce says. “If it’s murder, I charge money for my no-doubt-eventual-counselling sessions.” 

“Nonsense,” Tony says. “I’m not doing murder, and the only thing I need for you to do is deny that I’ve ever shopped here.” 

“Why?” 

“Bruce, only scientists ask questions like ‘who’, ‘what’, ‘where’, ‘when’, and the damning ‘why’. You don’t need to know.” 

“You forgot the ‘how’, Tony.” 

“Damn your perception,” Tony says, light and cheery. He’s actually teetering between the line of “Is this Okay or is it Anxiety Time,” which is better than a lot of other lines he’s teetered on. (One was literal, too, which is not good for your state of health if you’re not trained to go on tightropes, by the way.) “Anyway, promise not to tell anyone that you sell me good cotton sheets?” 

“Sure,” Bruce says. “But you also can’t tell anyone where you got the sheets.” 

“Never have, probably never will,” Tony says cheerily. “Talk to you maybe later!” 

And then comes a text. I’ve been assigned to come after you. Headstart of one hour. 

Well, fuck. Just because you’re friends with Black Widow doesn’t actually mean that she refuses to take jobs referring to Iron Man. She hasn’t refused any, but she also hasn’t been given any. 

I’ll double the sum they’re paying. 

They have blackmail on me, you can’t double that. They know more about me than you. 

Even that you like cherry-nut ice cream? 

Less than one hour, Iron Man. 

So then, Tony has to do something drastic. He may have told his driver/friend/low-key criminal hitman Happy to pose as him, buy a ticket to France, and actually get on the plane. Natasha doesn’t kill those she isn’t assigned to. And she’s real good with faces, so she’ll know when he turns that it isn’t Tony. 

Tony actually gets to an apartment in Brooklyn. It’s his back-up apartment, technically owned by his mother. His mother hates Brooklyn, refuses to go anywhere near the area, and doesn’t technically know that she owns an apartment in Brooklyn. Tony finds it funny. 

He’s wearing a t-shirt that he likes, jeans that he hates, and lugging some boxes in. Maintain the cover. 

“Hey,” comes a voice behind him. “Looks like we’re neighbors. I’m Steve.” 

It takes everything in Tony’s willpower to not just whip the knife out of his pocket, but you can’t do that to neighbors you just met. Even if they signed a contract with Black Widow to get you and maybe-kill you. 

“I’m Tony,” Tony says, because he is an Idiot Under Stress. “Nice to meet you, Steve.” 

They talk. For an hour. Steve is surprisingly funny for a guy who wants to kill him. Steve likes appetizers at restaurants, does art as a hobby, and wants to own a dog. He also used to be allergic to peanut butter but isn’t anymore, and isn’t that the Funniest thing? Tony half-laughs and says “yeah, it is,” and then Steve says it. 

“So, what do you do for a living?” 

Tony does a lot of things. He stole a Renoir. He also has sixty thousand dollars in an off-shore bank account. Which actually isn’t a bank account because Tony doesn’t like banks, but more of a dresser in a house in Manhattan Island. 

“I’m, um, tech support,” Tony says. 

“Really? I’m sure that’s interesting,” Steve says. “A lot of asking people to reboot their computers, huh?” 

“You have no idea,” Tony mutters. “Well, as lovely as it has been getting to know you, I need to get everything set up. See you around?” 

“Definitely!” 

Tony shuts the door, sits on the couch, and looks out the window. 

He can do this. It’s like a game of chess: you just need strategy. Tony used to play all the old guys in Central Park in chess, you could probably call him an expert at this point. Maybe. He’s not exactly sure of all the rules, some old guys made up their own. But still. He could do this. 

(Rhodey would be laughing at him right about now if he could see this predicament.)