#literally stuck in my head constantly
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me when
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but if he knows that you know that you know that he knows that he knows that you know that you
#pinescone#over the garden wall#gravity falls#otgw#my art#so this idea is stuck in my head#mabel is stuck in the unknown (maybe she almost died and is in a coma idk) and dipper makes a deal with bill to reach her and help her out#/this will have consequences/#and so he is wandering around when he bumps into beast!wirt#and somehow neither the beast nor bill recognize e/o they just know this other kid kinda weird#kinda sus kinda We-Need-To-Kill-Him-Piney/GET-HIM-OUT-WIRT#anyways since im making both the beast and bill are backseating dipper sees a chance to find mabel#meanwhile wirt is numb enough to just#idc ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just dont get in my way#but dipper´s story kinda resonates with him so he tries to help him out#and they have shenaningans idk i just think itd be hilarious for both of them to be constantly on their heads fighthing their own demons#literally#without knowing they’re both posessed lmao#also idk they crush on each other and get a whole mutual pining arc bc bill and the beast dealing with teenage feelings is just funny to me
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i love the fact that welcome to mountport official cast recording is on spotify. in large part because, in addition to the obvious, i can have ticket to somewhere new/home run on repeat and hear the phrase
✨sexy tina, train conductress✨😁
over and over again... it's heavenly.
#i have the line and harmony stuck in my head fucking constantly#and the fact you can literally HEAR zach and jess grinning#welcome to mountport#official cast recording#game changer#dropout#jess mckenna#zach reino
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I don't know who needs to hear this but... You don't need to finish that WIP. not everything you create has to be a Work In Progress. you can just sketch something or write out a draft and then never go any farther than that. you don't have to finish everything you create. not everything is meant to be finished.
also, starting a new WIP when you have another isn't bad. it doesn't stop you from going back to the old one. sometimes you get excited for an idea, sometimes you just need to get that idea down. Do it. start another WIP. nothing is stopping you from going back to the old one later.
the only one putting these barriers up is yourself. Stop holding yourself back. You'll find yourself a lot happier if you stop forcing yourself to follow these invisible rules on what you can and should be focusing on finishing.
#text#art#idk what the art side of tumblr is called im sorry#writing#writeblr#literally you dont have to finish anything ever it's ok#no one can get mad if you dont finish something ignore the invisible audience in your head#no one can see how many wips you have no one can judge you#not finish somesthing doesn't mean you failed or that you're a failure#be free my child. create and enjoy the act of creating#you dont have to finish anything if you're stuck#you are not a bad person for not finishing your creations#not everything is made to be completed#genuinely once you get into this mindset you'll find the creative process a lot easier#I have 'wips' that are constantly being worked on as i jump between them as i feel like it#and because i put no pressure on myself to finish them by a certain deadline then I realize i feel a lot happier and relax in my artwork#i've gone back to month old wips to work and rework as i realized what i could do better after taking a break from it#I had art pieces I started and then finished months apart because I just couldn't get into the flow of the piece until then#I have millions of pieces that are unfinished and will never be finished and I'm ok with that
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having a mental breakdown bc my controller is broken
#what the actual fuck do i do#i can only go buy a new one on wednesday#none of my devices have space for genshin or star rail#literally abt to bash my head against the wall :)#and also i cant watch yt anymore either bc the issue is that it thinks the left stick is constantly being moved to the left#(no its not stuck i tried to fix that) so it would just rewind permanently#this week has rlly tested my patience on this earth#holy fuck i just googled and they cost like 70€ i just. okay. hahahhahhahaahhhaahhahahhahaaaaaaaa
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Day four ? without any sleep
#personal#thoughts#drugs#iv drug addict#too much in my head#never stops#constantly thinking#never productive though of courses#mostly my fears that there is literally nothing i can do to escape them or even make hurt less#thoughts of why and what it is i hate about myself#how much i wish i could go back#or just change things now#either way theres so many regrets#so much i cant forget#i cant forgive myself either#im getting closer and closer to ending this shit every dqy#even more so when i get stuck in such a bad place that i cant catch a breath while sobbing uncontrollably#so much guilt too#i feel so much pressure to be more than my father while being nothing like him or my sister#but just existing each day feels overwhelming#even when i can use its still bad.#nothing helps. it just makes me feel horrible and undeserving#i was not supposed to be a human alive in this world#especially not having this mind i have paired with this body and all else that i wish i was strong enough to ignore or heal#my real wish would be to have never existed in the first place at all#everyone would be so much better if i wasnt making life worse for them#dreams of living thoughts of suicide
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like i hesitate to make this comparison when i don’t actually have the condition and god willing never ever will but it’s like with c*vid how sometimes it alters your tastebuds forever and everything you once loved tastes rotten. that’s exactly what this is like. and it fucking sucks
#purrs#i was looking back on stuff i wrote in 2020 today which was also DEEPLY. VISCERALLY hellish for obvious reasons but i think the difference#is that then it felt like there was a very clear way things would get better (the lockdown ending even though the way it did fucking sucked#and covid isn’t over even though everyone thinks it is etc etc) but now it’s like.. the world is just bad. and my life is just bad. and#there are ways to fix things but they’re small and there are some things that in my lifetime i will never transcend or if i do it will come#at excruciating consequence that i am not currently in a position to even fathom let alone experience given the fact that i live where i#live and am constantly… like not to say it bc it’s so overused now but ACTUALLY literally genuinely g*slit. lol. like i need to not be in#this situation and that’s the key to everything but i don’t have the strength to transcend it rn so it’s an ouroborus situation or however#you spell it where the issue just begets itself. im in such a doom spiral of that and i have to break it but every day i just lose more and#more of my will to try. i heard a story on the radio the other day about scientists inducing depression in mice by pinching their arms over#and over until they gave up fighting and that image has been stuck in my head all week. that’s what it feels like rn. except im the one#doing most of the pinching and i don’t know how to stop#delete later
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tw heavy abuse
yesterday my therapist actually suggested that the head pain and seizure like episodes i’ve been having are actually just somatic symptoms and aren’t byproducts of my ex trying to pop my head like a fucking grape and treating my ears like jars of peanut butter they couldn’t scrape the last bits out of. anyways today i found out my ear canal shape has changed so much on the left side it’s nearly impossible to get water out of and now it makes sense why i haven’t been able to hear right for a week 😙✌️
#she is slowly driving me away from therapy#she handled my plurality really badly at the beginning#but since she treats dissociative disorders i stuck with her#she does not believe i suffer from any kind of dissociative disorder and is also constantly saying weird shit like this#i love having a therapist completely downplay my physical disabilities#not being visibly disabled means having to remind your literal doctors that you can’t do something because of your disability#not being visibly disabled means i’m getting the all in your head label
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which tarot card are you?
tagged by: plucked from my dash like a bug! tagging: whoever would like to do this but hasn't done so yet!
link // the tower.
where is the line between awakening and self-destruction? is it thin? are you walking toward it? on it? already too far gone? there is nothing more disheartening than trying to find yourself, only to learn that you detest the person you've been looking for. can i tell you a secret? you are allowed to love yourself. required to, even. how can you go forward without it? make no mistake — it is not easy. but it is essential. you will get there, and it will be warm.
number: 16. upright: sudden change, upheaval, chaos. reversed: transformation, fear of change, averting disaster.
#* lionheart / study.#* intermission / ooc.#[head in hands over awakening and self-destruction being synonymous. oh my god. oh my GOD]#thinks about how link feels stuck in identities and feelings and /time periods/ that define the trajectory of (the rest of) his life#but not who he actually IS. and how he doesn't know what that even is because he wasn't who he thought he was before Everything Began#and now that he isn't explicitly; persistently; urgently TOLD who he is....well. how can he know? what-who is he beyond what everyone needs#him to be? and when discovering that involves so much disentangling and examination of the self that he constantly distracts himself from#with travelling -- how can he hope to seriously answer it!#AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ANYTHING NEW i know i hammer in these points whenever i can but they are always so relevant!!#he has such a complicated relationship with his title as the hero of ti.me!!#ngl it is why i think he'd be a little hesitant to take up a name like 'time' with other li.nks#at his stage of navigating life it is less a celebration of his achievement(s) and more a reminder of this is all you are (will be)#(also for someone who feels like he's at once stuck in it and burdened by it...alsfkjd leaves a bad taste in his mouth)#'masks' is hardly better for him because it's almost accusatory with what literal and metaphorical masks he wears to hide the self#that even he hasn't looked at super closely.....ALL THAT TO SAY#kid's got Issues. and i'm very happy with this result!!#long tags cw#* intermission / queue.
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its sooooo embarrassing for me hearing the coworker next to me's computer constantly ping with teams message notifications 😭 like theres no way they dont have a group chat without me but like also 1. is this high school did yall REALLY need to make a separate group chat to be silly without the weird girl 2. why cant being quiet and weird just be something you tolerate instead of excluding me bc of it like i dont understand am i being rude for being socially anxious like is it really THAT bad jesus
#i decided after last week when i finally sat at the lunch table and everyone was like deadly quiet that i was just going to give up#like i truly cannot tell if its in my head or if it happened unrelated to me being there and they ARE quiet sometimes#and i just dont notice bc im not there - idk#but i like physically cannot make myself join conversations happening next to me like i cant i KNOW im being annoying#my voice gets stuck in my throat. i wish they would just accurately interpret my weird avoidance as being socially anxious#and not as being rude and not wanting to be around them. and maybe they do and just dont care!!!!#but i feel like i need to be in social skills 101 and i got thrown into an advanced course#even my fiance said yeah thats rough you are all in a big room together constantly#and its not a small enough group that everyone has to be included#but its not a big enough group to have small factions that can be friends together either#and you all just constantly have to be together#like if HE can see why im anxious then you KNOW im fucked aldhalsja#i also still canNOT get over i 4 of us left to get on a golf cart and as soon as i hopped on the back#the girl that wouldve had to sit next to me literally went to get a different cart instead.......#like??? how do i NOT read that as not even wanting to be near me???#idk only 2 more weeks until i can just wander around the fair for 10 hours a day and not have to social anxiety sit on my chest. sigh.#op
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how about you is there something you ever wanted to doooooo. well now that you pulled me into it now mmmm i’m thinkin of. i ain’t never tried but i always wanna play this jug. here’s a washboard everybody fake it till you make it oh yeah yeah yeah just a couple of regular country beaaarrrsss fake it till you make it yeah cause no one knows or no one knows or careeeesssss
#learning what play it by ear is has literally ruined me i constantly have songs from that show stuck in my head#ash rambles#ash.txt
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i’m so desperately in need of at least like a tiny piece of independence and getting frustrated when i can’t have it. me moving out is so laughable, bc i wouldn’t be able to cope, and it would be too dangerous, and it’s not like i actually have friends, or a partner i could live with (imao). but also, even if i did, it’s like wow, congrats, you’re my built in carer, and you’re gonna get annoyed with me, real fast <3
#i’m being slightly overdramatic but like still#i could have been a theatre kid#if it weren’t for the crippling anxiety that is#like living with your parents isn’t inherently shameful and if you do literally who fucking cares#i’d just like to experience life where i’m not constantly treated like i’m 5#and i wanna actually feel like an adult#bc i’m nearly 25 and i feel like i never aged past like 17 at the oldest#fully stuck there and i hate it#i am literally an overgrown child and it sucks#idk i wanna have a life but it’s like i’m not supposed to :/#i need irl friends but i feel dumb and awkward#bc again never aged past 17#i still feel like i did back in college just the pity friend who gets dragged along but no one actually likes#and every time i try to put myself out there i get knocked back and embarrassed#and that does something to your psyche after a while#like i’m not joking when i say i’m fucked in the head y’all#and unlearning like 20 odd years of that shit is HARD#i have felt awkward and like i didn’t fit in anywhere since before i can remember#and it hasn’t changed with age#my 20s aren’t easier than my teens#i’m still just jutted out parts that keep on cutting people when they try to get close to me#and i just don’t feel worth it#there’s always better friends or partners you could have#why pick ME???#anyways i always get too deep on these posts#my thoughts are too loud lately#i should probably remember to use my side blog but i never do#at least then i’m not bumming ppl w#bc no one sees that shit so it’s fine#then again no one sees shit on this blog either so 🤷🏻♀️
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Let it not be forgotten how much I love Abby. She is the character of all time. 2 me. It's me and my needlessly in depth Abby hcs against the world
#rat rambles#wendy may be my favorite by a significant amount but I still spin around abby in my head at lightning speeds constantly#she is so. *explodes*#idk its just like. shes dealing with the weight of all of wendy's problems while also being one og the causes of said problem and thats#because she in fact did literally die only to presumably have to watch her twin grieve and be the reason that he got stuck in an endless#death cycle and despite her best efforts he does die over and over again and theres nothing she can do to truly save him#and not only that but before meeting the other survivors she was his only light in this fucked up bullshit and she probably knew that#and goddddd theres just so much to unpack there do you see the potential do you see why she makes me wanna bite someone#abby is a fully fledged character with complexities and issues to Me ok#yes shes a goofy kid still yes shes a silly lil guy but also shes a traumatized lil guy who is in a deeply fucked up situation#I just like the idea of contrasting abby and wendy's ways of coping with all of this#especially with how much wendy almost worships abby and their bond after getting contant'd#it just. sounds like a lot of pressure for anyone to deal with let alone a child#and who the hell is she gonna talk abt this stuff to most of the time she cant just get wendy to ask someone to die for a sec#also man being shown again and again that she has like no chance of being alive again is pretty messed up huh#she surely cant be the strong one forever. cracks her like an egg#both in a mental illness™ way and also in a trans way#anyways eepy time gn
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DISAPPROVAL, t. owens
word count | 1.6k
pairings | tyler owens x fem!storm chaser!reader
summary | in which javi disapproves of his sister’s relationship
warnings | contains spoilers for the movie!! mentions of death, tornadoes, and panic attacks. brother-sister fighting, slight angst. one use of ‘y/n’. not proofread. lowercase intended.
a/n | i literally can’t stop thinking about this movie. tyler owens x javi’s sister has me in a choke hold
you had never been the type to run from your fears, not now and definitely not five years ago. you used to storm chase with kate carter and your brother, javi, as well as three other of your friends. the six of you, led by kate, had come together to see if it was really possible to reduce the intensity of a tornado. you knew that the experiment would be dangerous, but it had never fully occurred to you that you or anyone else could die. that was a mistake you swore you would never make again.
five years had passed and you still were waking up, sweating and shaking from the horrid night where you lost three of your closest friends. you shakily tore the covers from your body, walking quietly to the bathroom so as to not wake the sleeping body still in bed. you closed the door to the bathroom before turning on the light. you turned the sink on, splashing water on your face as a sigh escaped your mouth. you gripped the sides of the sink, attempting to center yourself. “fuck.”
“babe, you in there?” you jumped when tyler knocked on the door, your breathing quickening once more. “babe?” tyler turned the door knob, pushing it up to see you slowly sliding down the wall as you began to hyperventilate. he rushed to your side, which wasn't far in the cramped bathroom. he helped you to the floor, sitting in front of you. “hey, hey, let's just sit down. just breathe with me, okay?” you nodded, following tyler in his exaggerated breathing, feeling as your heart rate began to slow down. “you’re okay, you’re safe.” you nodded, finally noticing the tears streaming down your face.
“sorry, ty, i didn’t mean to wake you.” you apologized through sniffles, wiping at your nose.
“you didn’t wake me. plus, i just wanted to make sure you were okay.” you still felt guilty about it, about him constantly dealing with your nightmares and panic attacks. you felt guilty that you still pushed yourself to storm chase even though you are terrified of losing the ones you love most. you knew you shouldn’t push that guilt or fear away, but there was another part of you that just wanted to help people. “why don’t we go get some breakfast?” tyler helped you to your feet, the two of you trudging over to the diner across from the motel.
breakfast had been mostly silent, tyler trying to start a conversation but you were too stuck in your head. your knee anxiously bounced as you realized you would be heading to oklahoma, and that you were more than likely to run into your brother javi. you had talked to javi a lot over the phone, but it had been at least a year since you had last seen him in person. he’d been begging you for a few weeks now to leave tyler and the wranglers behind and to join his crew and help with a new tornado scanning system. you knew javi just wanted to help people, but the people funding his projects did not have the same interests at heart. “you ready?” you looked, not hardly having touched your food, accepting tyler’s extended hand. “boone’s getting pretty antsy about leavin’. dude’s been blowing up my phone for like the last thirty minutes.” you giggled when tyler showed you his phone with nearly fifty texts from boone.
“i’m surprised he’s even up, let alone ready to hit the road.” tyler tossed an arm over your shoulders, placing a delicate kiss on your temple as you walked back to the motel.
“yeah, well, best not to keep the man waiting.” tyler went to grab your stuff from the motel room before checking out, leaving you to rig up the gps.
“boone! you ridin’ with us?” you shouted over to boone who was talking with dexter, dani, and lily. “we’ve got a seat open for you as well, ben.” you smiled to the journalist, who thought you to be the only sane one of the group. ben smiled at you, his body language showing he was clearly uneasy. “don’t worry, the ride to oklahoma shouldn’t be too bad.”
“it's not that ride that i’m worried about.” before you could question him, boone hopped in beside him, tyler entering the driver’s seat not a moment later.
“let’s ride!” boone whooped, tyler tearing out of the parking lot. you couldn’t seem to find it in yourself to be hyped up like your boyfriend and friend, too anxious about seeing your brother. he had already disapproved of you riding with the wranglers, you couldn’t imagine how he’d react when he found out you were dating tyler owens of all people.
at some point during the ride, you had fallen asleep only to be startled awake by boone, camera in hand as he yelled out the truck. “sorry, babe.” tyler quietly apologized to you, squeezing your hand. you squinted out the window, your stomach dropping at the sight of javi and kate, stood side by side. all the shouting and cheering seemed to be muted when your eyes locked with javi’s. even though you were nervous, the sight of your big brother brought a soft smile to your face.
tyler put the truck in park, the crowd surrounding them. you pushed the door open, hopping down as tyler got the crowd chanting. boone was walking around, filming, while dani, lily, and dexter began to sell the merchandise. you stood off to the side, watching tyler do his thing, a smile gracing your lips. you looked around, catching kate’s eye, her eyes lighting up at the sight of her friend. she walked over to you, engulfing you in a hug before you had time to say anything. “kate! i wasn’t expecting to see you here!” you laughed, gripping kate tightly.
“i didn’t realize you were still chasing, i thought you would at least be riding with javi.” you tensed slightly at your brother’s name, pulling back from kate’s arms.
“uh, yeah, i’ve just decided to ride with the wranglers this season.” your tenseness didn’t go unnoticed by kate, but before she could ask you anything your attention was brought to your brother waltzing over. “javi!” your nerves dissipated when javi threw his arms around you, pulling you into a bone crushing hug.
“i’ve missed you, sis.” you let out a sigh, trying not to let the tears well in your eyes.
“i’ve missed you too, javi.” you pulled back, now seeing your crew watching you. the crowd had mostly left, and the sight of you hugging a man that wasn’t tyler had them concerned. “why don’t you come meet my crew?” you knew javi had no interest in meeting your crew, but you wanted him to see they weren’t just daredevils with a need for a thrill. “hey, guys, i want you to meet my brother, javi, and my good friend, kate!” everyone but boone and tyler had come to meet them. “javi, kate, meet dexter, lily, and dani! oh, and ben! he’s a london journalist writing a piece on american storm chasing.” you pointed to each member, getting soft ‘hellos’ and ‘nice to meet yous’.
“nice to meet you guys!” kate smiled, javi not saying anything. you felt a pang in your heart when javi didn’t seem to take the people you considered to be some of your closest friends.
“well, who do we have here?” you turned to see tyler and boone walking toward you, a large smile breaking out on your face. “you must be javi, and… kate, right?” kate nodded, shaking tyler’s hand.
“kate, javi, this is boone, and this is tyler owens.” tyler walked to your side, slinging an arm loosely around your shoulder while boone waved, going to put the camera back into the truck. “nice to meet you both.” he tipped his hat to the two. you watched javi closely, he practically had steam coming out his ears at the sight of tyler’s arms around your shoulder. javi had always been overprotective, and you wished he would realize you can hold your own. “we’re headin’ out in a few, ‘kay?” you nodded, tyler pressing a kiss to your temple before jogging over to boone. you looked back to javi who was red in the face, and kate who was clearly shocked.
“javi–” you started, javi pulling you to a quiet spot away from everyone else.
“really? tyler owens?” he spat out tyler’s name like it was venom. “c’mon y/n, he’s an idiot who drives into tornadoes! he doesn’t give a shit about anyone, especially those affected by said tornadoes!” tears welled in your eyes, anger bottling up.
“oh, and you do? javi! your investors don’t give any shits about these people! they only care about the money! and you, you’re helping them by getting this data!” you wiped at the tears that spilled over, “we help people, javi! we sell the merch to pay for the supplies, and the revenue we make off the streams and videos go to families in need. we just don’t show that part on the internet.” it seemed to dawn on javi that you would have never ridden with the wranglers for as long as you had if you weren’t helping people. “tyler treats me well, and maybe you’d have seen that if you weren't so busy making assumptions about him.” you spat at him before turning on your heel, walking toward the truck, actively ignoring javi’s shouting.
“you okay?” tyler asked, noticing your rosy cheeks. “want me to beat his ass?” you glared at him, a smile tugging at your lips. tyler was mostly all bark and no bite.
“no, he just needs time.” you reached up, kissing tyler before taking his hand in yours and walking back to the truck. javi watched as tyler opened your door and helped you in, watching tyler stare lovingly at you. and javi knew that he had fucked up.
#angelicsoka#tyler owens imagine#tyler owens x reader#twisters#twisters imagine#javi rivera#javi rivera x reader#javi rivera x sister!reader#tyler owens x y/n#tyler owens x rivera!reader#glen powell x reader#glen powell imagine#glen powell#imagine
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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