#literally i ate so much today
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eating is such a coping mechanism for me
#oops im rambling#literally i ate so much today#and yesterday#and tomorrow?#i will eat a lot too i bet
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crazy how I'll spend all week confident that Jimmy's gonna do great and then have whole ass anxiety attacks on Tuesday and Friday... if he dies I'm actually going to crash out. You will not hear from for 2-3 business days I swear. I'm shaking rn
In other news my dad got me my favorite kind of bread!!!! Very happy about the carbs (my body has been begging for them all day) and taking lil bites and focusing on my breathing.
#Carbs my beloved. I love you carbs. I don't care if I'm supposed to eat more protein I love you carbs#I should make a carbohydrate fanblog because I love carbs so much. Although certain seasonings make me want meat so bad...#I ate sm in cooking class today and literally went “oh this tastes exactly like the steak my dad makes sometimes” I'm kinda a freak like th#WAIT WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT FOOD. WHOOPS I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT#modfinny#I
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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you ever just look at yourself and ask ... why cant you communicate like a normal human being
#✎ ੈ˳ the tadpole that ate my brain — ooc.#tw: negative#i literally sit here and think so much about how what i say can come off#and worry about it turning people off because i don't always express things the way i mean it#excuse me my hormones are just going crazy today
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I love wikipedia so much, how incredible to live in a time with such easy access to so much information it devastates me that there is so much I will never know
#learnt about cardboard and adhesive and shipping containers and the tests they undergo! and un recommendations for hazmat transport and#tamper proof and tamper evident measures and so much else#there is so much knowledge literally at our fingertips there is so much to learn#and i got sent a cute pic of my cat today :) the birds are chirping and i had a great evening with my friend and i woke up early and today#is a good day#- guy who just ate a bagel (toasted) (ham and cream cheese) (delicious)#maybe its bc i drank last night but im so vibey today :) feelsgoodman#anyway ramble over
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The idea that a god-like character with (supposedly) unlimited powers should snap their fingers at the end of a TV series and remove all pain and terrible things in the world so humans no longer had any suffering is the most BAFFLING thing I have ever heard. WHY DID THE SHOW EVER EXIST IF FIXING THINGS WAS THAT EASY??????
#It seems like this 'gotcha' card that overrides any argument someone could have#but it's actually the laziest zero thought behind it belief I have ever seen#And it complete ignores the function and structure of a story#Holy shit#Like... that's literally Adam and Eve before Eve ate the apple#That kind of utopia is literally in the Bible and in general is considered bad#It was certainly painted as bad in the show! Because Eve gave us free will and choice and the opportunity to self-determine who we are#And that's good! That's considered better than the Garden of Eden!#And yes choices have led to the godawful structures in place on Earth today and all the godawful death and suffering that goes with it#BUT THIS STUPID LITTLE TV SHOW ABOUT THE DEVIL WASN'T SPEAKING ABOUT ALL THE EVILS IN THE WORLD!!!#It was talking about how you always have a choice to do better! That everyone can be redeemed!#It's a much MUCH narrower scope because that's what story does! It picks one thing and speaks to it#And sometimes that thing is indeed Wow modern capitalism has completely fucked the world like The Good Place showed#But even The Good Place didn't use the Judge to snap her fingers and change Earth#She could have! She certainly had the power too!#But no instead they argued against wiping out the entire Earth and starting over in favor of revamping the afterlife instead#to allow people a second chance and support to do better#Which is EXACTLY where Lucifer ended up too with the titular character playing therapist in Hell#That is a strong ending! That is a hopeful ending! Because it's speaking to the audience as individuals and saying you have a choice#You always have a choice to do better. No mistake you make is too irredeemable so don't let yourself drown guilt#because guilt fixes nothing. Only your choice to try again can change things#God snapping their fingers and rewriting Earth is not a hopeful; realistic; or satisfying ending to a 6 season show about free will!#It makes no sense!#like jfc I don't want to drag one singular person through the mud but their opinions are just so mind-boggingly to me#It's like beating my head against the wall
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#im so confused#did the medicine that was suppose to make my cat stop vomiting#do the exact opposite for the last 12 hours#because little boy finally is looking like a cat again#AND asked for food and ate it all#now hes cleaning his entire body on the couch with me#i just#the medicine thats suppose to stop nausea#maybe literally made me think tonignt was it????#but now hes fine???#i mean not FINE but#once again a cat#hes had it multiple times before and also every night for MONTHS in pill form#idk man the fact that he hasnt thrown up yet im like whats happening#like he started getting sick today which is why they gave him the anti nausea meds#but then came home from that and was SO MUCH WORSE and clearly struggling#and i really thought his illness was just progressing so fast#idk maybe it still is im just confused as heck!!!!
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dude my family has GOT to acknowledge their problems. if you get into an argument and then pretend it never happened it‘s not making SHIT better. im so sick of this
#felix babbles#MY DAD IS THE PROBLEM#he needs to acknowledge that NOBODY gives a fuck that he‘s an adult. you still can be wrong. you ARE wrong. a Lot.#the things he‘s said. jesus#he‘s not even a bad guy#he‘s a nice person. he‘s certainly not abusive and cares for us#but he does do some very fucked up shit and for some reason im never allowed to address it or i get in trouble#shock of the century: ur kid didnt really like it when you said [specific minority] doesnt care as much about their education not because t#ats how they were raised or they have more important things or Nope. because theyre in that minority. or that‘s at least what he made it so#nd like. and countless other things#also you cannot just say „i dont do this thing anymore so you cant be mad at me“ DUDE ARE YOU JOKING RN. i literally flinch when someone ge#s close to me. and i refuse to even walk by you when you’re mad. because you taught me when iwas little that i might get fucking hit#and he doesnt do that anymore. which is awesome. and im glad. but he didnt apologise. and if he did it wasnt enough if i dont remember it#im still. scared of him. and it‘s fucked up that im not allowed to be#swagever. at least that ddint happen today#vent#anyway
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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I fucking hate it when I'm super motivated to get things done, I really want to do it, I'm excited to do it!
- but I have no energy to get up off the couch. I'm so tired. I can't move. I just want to sleep.
I got up 1two hours ago. why am I this tired, it's not fair 😭
#I woke up relatively early today and was excited about that! but I couldn't get up and then slept three more hours#I literally hate this so much#I'm trying to drink an energy drink rn but it's not doing anything at all#I'm literally tired all of the time and I don't understand how im supposed to live like this#ok now my hands ate getting really weak so I need to stop#personal
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Shoutout to 12/13 year old me to when you were given permission to buy whatever snack you wanted at the school ball game concessions stand. You didn’t know your friends’ mom was highly allergic to peanuts, they said nothing as they stood there watching you order the cup of boiled peanuts. You did not know and did not deserve to be yelled at nor glared at by a grown woman who should not have yelled or glared at you for a mistake no one warned you about. It was not your fault. And plus nothing bad happened, you kept your distance as asked of you and washed your hands and face throughly afterwards. You did nothing wrong.
#I think about this moment a lot#like the glare that woman had on me for a good while#her daughters literally didnt say shit until we got back to#the bleachers when her mom was like ‘don’t sit next to me I’m very very allergic to peanuts please and thank you’#please and thank you probably being the only genuine nice words in that sentence#like that’s literally when the girls all spoke up and said oh yeah we forgot to tell you#like how do you forget that??#even then I knew my mom is very allergic to avocado and shellfish#and so I’d always watch what I ate around her just in case it contained those ingredients#is it weirdly paranoid to say I felt like they set me up back then and still think they did even today?#I still have the feeling they didn’t like me too much and just hung around me because our mutual friend#had been my bff since 3rd grade(since before they met us)#talkies#vent#I guess it’s a vent?
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I think one of the very stupid things about the human body is that you can feel SO SO hungry, genuinely probably need to consume as much food as your hunger suggests, AND you can still get partway thru eating and have your stomach go No Vacancy even tho u know you haven’t actually eaten enough
#I KNOW that this is one of the reasons you should eat thru/o the day rather than everything at once#but consider: I didn’t get breakfast or lunch and am so hungry/tired#I ate an entire sushi roll and am halfway thru this poke bowl 💀#I’ve literally never spent this much on takeout and part of it is for tomorrow so that I don’t repeat today#but also#SO hungry tired#personal
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ever remember just how plain dreadful the majority of your life was, and you just gotta sit down blissfully for a while taking in how good it is now
#m#ref notes#I was on a slightly longer bus ride today#enough to enter contemplation point#and most of the longer bus rides I've previously been on were when I was traveling between my parents' place and uni#over holidays#and just remembering how fucking shit those holidays were? how simply grim and gloomy my bedroom in that house is in my mind#deadass mexico colours overlay#they were so....languid. time inched forward and I was literally just wasting away#spent the entire time keeping myself locked in the room hiding and continuously binging shows to stave off the horrors#in bed. don't think I even ate much of the time#and now I'm out here and I can do whatever I want#and I want things! and I actually do them!#I was experiencing this memory in the very process of pursuing something I felt like doing!
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Song of the Day: May 29
“Evil Like Me” by Kristin Chenoweth & Dove Cameron for Disney's Descendants OS
#song of the day#time is fake! sometimes I'm awake and it's logical to assume that sometimes I'm asleep! and the days must pass but do I ever know?? nope#fuck I spent all day thinking today was the last day of the month and then it turns out it's not even Thursday#sang 'Evil Like Me' with Duncan at the dinner table while I ate the cabbage and I made this cabbage after the work not-a-bbq so#almost definitely that was today!#I fell asleep standing up in the shower again but the drain has been draining very slowly so when I woke up there was water above my ankles#if I flood our house with the water from my shower while I am actively standing in it and I don't notice because it's the only time I sleep#I'm going to shrink myself down and move in with the mice colonizing our neighbor's boat trailer#the mice will never know my shame. Duncan will put cheese sandwiches out in the alley for us and it will be more than I deserve#this is a really good song. very fun lyrical nonsense and also very fun musically to sing. love the idea of Kristin Chenoweth Maleficent#'I have tried my whole life long / to do the worst I can / clawed my way to victory / built my master plan#now the time has come my dear / for you to take your place / promise me you'll try to be / an absolute disgrace'#Nick really doesn't like this song for some unspecified reason--we've asked but he just gets kind of mad? like it should be obvious?#I think maybe he thinks they're making fun of people who sing about like. doing crimes? being bad???????????????#like honestly what could be more punk she's literally Maleficent but go off I guess#I dunno but if I were going to be mad about a Descendants song that I occasionally roam the house over-selling#it wouldn't be a Broadway-star-supported certified banger like 'Evil Like Me'#it'd be goofyass 'Rotten to the Core' where I'm playing four parts simultaneously and pitching my voice up and down like a rollercoaster#love that fucking song it's so dumb and it's so much fun and I get to stomp on the chorus bits
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i love you world i love you friends i love you mutuals i love you friends here and friends there i love you i love you i love you
#I AM FILLED W SO MUCH LOVE RIHGT NOW I FEEL SICK#I LITERALLY LIKE. WAS TALKIN G W MY FRIEND FOR LIKE A TOTAL OF MAYBE 3 HOURS TODAY#INTERMITTENTLY BUT LIKE WE JUST CHAT SM AND EVERYONE ON OUR DORM FLOOR KNOWS US FOR CHATTING#AND MY OTHER FRIEND SAID HE WANTS TO INVITE ME TO WATCH SAW W PEOPLE#AND I ATE W A WHOLE GROUP AND EVERYONE WAS KIND#AND NOW IM MESSAGING MY DISCORD FRIENDS#THE WORLD IS SO WONDERFUL THE WORLD IS SO WONDERFUL I LOVE YOU ALL I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH
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I'm so proud of my hostas surviving the winter and being so lush and beautiful 😭💚
And on a day like this let me also say (for myself because i tend to forget) i am proud of myself for making the backyard greener and more colourful than it used to be 😤🌾
#even though the hausverwaltung is trying their hardest to cut everything down#the figs are from my neighbour though. she scolded the tree last spring if it wouldn't bear fruit she'd remove it#(after planting it as tiny sapling 3 years ago - she's so impatient but ok she is quite old too 😅)#anyway - last year? 5 figs! and delicious ones too!#this year the tree wants to go all-in it seems#the bluebells are from the alottment#i don't want to see them there they spread so damn much and suffocate everything else#but here. in the backyard. they can use their extremely good survival skills against the draught and hausverwaltung#and pparently the silver penny plant is called honesty in english?#well i'm proud of them too i planted out the seedlings a year ago and they are finally flowering 🥰#i hope they establish themselves here#(i have no impulse control today (literally ate a whole chocolate bunny just now) so i'm sort of free to post my cringy-ish garden rambles#✌🏽😌#garden blogging
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