#literally got so emo abt this ask since i saw it

[vapolis]

ive been following rywd for a while and im loving the rewrite so far! i think it gives the mc so much more depth to point of striking a few chords. as someone whos struggled quite a bit, i can see myself in mc in a grounded way. the desire for normalcy juxtaposed to needing the buzz of danger as well as wanting to feel involved and included in others lives but viewing urself as unlovable unless you can provide something. your actions contradicting how you feel and clinging on to things that make you feel a little human, like its all so good!!!! i love it so much and i love your writing and cant wait to see where you take the story

so first of all thank you sm for the ask! I haven't had much feedback on whether ppl like the rewrite more (I guess bc it's shorter than the previous one rn) but reading your ask made me very happy!

I had hoped and wanted the rewrite to give the merc more depth, instead of simply making them be this shrill entity that goes about killing ppl because orla said so.

what you've described is also spot on! the merc can easily lose themself in a world as violent and vibrant as Vapolis but it's so interesting to see what happens when they try not to. when they cling to some sort of humanity and compassion they have left. that's not me saying the violent route is bad, since there are moments of reflection as well, but those moments are rlly there to develope the merc and have them feel as part of the world and the effects that world has on them.

I hope you'll continue to feel connected to the story and what I'm going for in the merc's route and ty for the very sweet ask <3

[kenphobia]

Hello!! I saw that you also knew TWST, so I wanted to ask your opinion on what dorms do you think the WH characters would be sorted to, and why? (Do feel free to include your OCs too, just go all out!!)

SINCERELY, ME!

oooo i've been thinking abt it for some quite some time, but since there's not a lot of info abt the wh cast (or maybe im just too lazy to research and there's actually sufficient lore), most of these will probably be based on speculations and my personal headcanons!!

WALLY DARLING!

✦ starting with wally, I think he fits pomefiore. I mean— have you SEEN this man? He is beauty, he is grace and he will eat your face if you ever insult his hair. His name is Wally Darling for a reason, gotta look ready and pretty if you're a darling after all.

✦ He could also be in Diasomnia, perhaps? mfer eats with his eyes, i think that's powerful enough.

HOWDY PILLAR!

✦ I feel like Howdy would be in either Scarabia or Heartslabyul. Why Scarabia? Howdy is a shopkeeper so he's probably resourceful and knows the ways in business, he just seems like a pretty reliable and responsible guy.

✦ As for Heartslabyul, you cannot tell this mfer isn't Trey Clover but caterpillar. I may be wrong but he just gives me a lot of Trey Clover vibes so I feel the need to just— throw him into heartslabyul

POPPY PATRIDGE!

✦ Poppy would definitely be in Heartslabyul though. She's always worying and ruffling her feather for her friends, and she'd follow any rule if it meant keeping her friends safe. I have a little gut feeling that she can get a bit ... controlling at times due to her anxious mind but she means good.

SALLY STARLET!

✦ Sally, my sweet summer child, the one i kinned instantly on the spot... Octavinelle. I have no idea why?? but like, she's dramatic, she'd probably say "I'm only doing this because I'm so kind and benelovent ✨" AND LIKE?? I DON'T KNOW. I just think she'd get along with the leech twins? maybe give Azul a few more wrinkles here and there ...

✦ She could also be pomefiore too! Pomefiore is like a fancy dorm, she'd fit.

JULIE JOYFUL!

✦ Julie is a bit difficult for me hhhh.... i just have a gut feeling that she'd be scarabia. id love to say pomefiore but if wally and sally happened to be there, adding julie would just add the chaos.

✦ I got nothing for Julie except for scarabia. She's a fun little silly but she knows a thing or two about being resourceful. Her and Kalim would get into some trouble and Jamil has to take care both of their asses.

BARNABY B. BEAGLE!

✦ Heartslabyul. I won't explain any further other than this mfer would give Riddle a run for his money. And also because he might a stickler for rules in a way??? Like he wouldn't exactly enforce them on others, he'd follow them if it's convenient enough and if it will save his ass from getting handed to him.

FRANK FRANKLY!

✦ HEARTSLABYUL. This one??? No need for explanation, just— heartslabyul

✦ For some reason, I can see him being in Ignihyde too?? He's just ... emo to me. Like— any colorful top you wear won't fit your vibe, frank, you still havent gotten out of your emo phase.

EDDIE DEAR!

✦ Legit I have no idea what dorm will fit him other than ramshackle. He's the mc now!!! get off the stage, yuu

✦ tbh i would say heartslabyul again but so many of these btches are possibly heartslabyul and im too dumb to add more variety in the mix!!!

HOUSE!

✦ I mean— It is considered to be a neighbor, right??? but anyways, diasomnia because ... idk man, it's a talking house. it doesn't have much personality other than literally being wally's house and speaking fluently in onomatopoeia

JUNE WEBB! (oc)

✦ octavinelle, babey !!! she's a con artist, yknow??? thats why theyre an antagonist for a reason. they scam ppl into buying their shit and have the "but im so sweet and kind" act

✦ also because howdy in scarabia and june in octavinelle is like, jamil x azul ship trope. yes, i ship my ocs with canon characters and yall have no right to complain when youre on my blog that centered around x readers

JELLY ROLLSTONE! (oc)

✦ Ignihyde. Like??? do I need to explain, bestie? they're good with technology in a way and theyre as anti social as their peers. I based them off Idia, what makes you think they won't be in Ignihyde??

RAINE SWEETHEART! (oc)

✦ ramshackle because this btch is as plain as white american bread + she isn't exactly as fleshed out rn to be put in a proper dorm so yeah—

these might change once i get know the characters a bit more better in canon so ... yeah!!! i'm redesigning some of my ocs, especially raine so watch out for that!!

fun fact: i slept two times writing this and i ashamed

[mochinon-yah]

AJDSJKSKKS HI HELLO SORRY MOCHI I JUST SAW THIS NOW PLS EXCUSE MY HAREBRAIN

ahem

man i just got off my break like a week ago hhhhh, but i can relate to being lazy and videogaming lol fdkjskj (me with acnh and genshin coughs) but my sleep schedule is considerably better? i have to wake up early on weekdays bc of my kid brother sadly smh and i spite him for it pretty sure college students are more stressed

JkeKJF THANKIES!! tbh i kind of just kept my bday private for a smaller group of friends (that includes you btw) + my boyfriend, but yea me being 20 isn't much different from being 18 lol. you rlly don't feel different until you hit 30 coughs anyway i return the headpaps and hugs mweeheheh >:D

istg my bf is just like albedo (but make him emo), cuz like he always struck me as the kind of person who will try to out-compliment you but at the same time is genuine? if that makes sense? EHFfdkskSKJFD but yea he's a sweetheart hehehe yes its real healthy couples do exist and i feel like a unicorn

anywayyyy yea i can name a lot of times where people can't catch onto my body language and i do that as well. like a simple question is fine if someone needs to get somewhere, but if it's someone i don't like i'll make it obvious. in general, if i don't know someone very well, i'll kind of just like veer away from them while giving them a dead stare- (and they still don't get the hint or are insanely blind to social cues)

NO CUZ THATS SO REAL?? if i get into a book, then it's usually because of a fanfic or some other form of media?? kind of like the acotar series i wanted to get into but like hesitant cuz i don't know if it's spicy ;3;

andd headpaps accepted nyehehehe

LMAOOO IT'S OKAY THO, NO WORRIES VIVI!! I woke up so suddenly so idk if i can answer this ask with the right mind 😭😭 sorry if there are soem typos or whatever grammatically wrong things lol

Hdjsjsjs a break will literally activates my lazy mode, and i swear i will get so, so lazy it would probably make you wonder why am i even still ali- *cough* anyway, thank god, your sleeping schedule is much better than mine 🥹👍👍 your lil brother is such a menace but i guess helpful too lmao

And YAAA, NO PROB VIVI :3 last birthday of mine was kinda quiet because only some people remembered lol. Then again, i'm a really quiet person irl, i doubt anybody would remember it- okay, this just turns so sour??? I'm gonna stop talking abt it jdjwkiekwk

I'm part of your smaller group of friends? 🥺👉👈 awwhhhh, you're making me blush- (i'm weak to words like that wth, no guys i do have friends too irl, i'm not a loner 😭) BUT LMAO YEAH, I AGREE WITH 'you rlly don't feel different until you hit 30'. Well, i haven't hit 30 yet, but i guess the only different thing would be that you can say you're old now- /jjj

(LMAO I FELL ASLEEP WHILE ANSWERING THIS.... anyway, back to answering vivi's ask :3)

Imagining emo! bedo and you with the dynamic of emo but cute x cute and cuter is so jdnsjkska 😭 i understand why you would feel like a unicorn even in ur own relationship.... for me, i feel like the side character who just saw the main character fall in love with each other lol

BUT LIKE AAAA SO CUTE, YOU AND HIM ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER?????

*cough* anyway-

People should really be attentive to other ppl ☝️ at least they should know if they're making it uncomfy for other ppl. But err, for me personally, i don't mind people gathering close to me, buuuttt it's possibly because of my friends since all of them are a lot, lot more sociable than me hahhaahaha- honestly, they often told me to talk more with people so i can know the latest gossip and just overall have many friends, but i really can't 😭😭 friendship with me is like the slow build-up but overall genuine one, or at least that's what i think....?

But ngl tumblr has help me a lot to be more expressive in public and just overall making me more sociable than in the past <3 i won't thank the tumblr app itself because the one who made me this way now is literally myself and also a whole bunch of amazing people i had met here, including youu!!! <3 whether you and them help me directly by interacting or just endulging in my silly behavior, ily all ueyehhewh (just gonna tag some ppl here teehe -> @beloved-brynn, @meimeimeirin, @leftdestiny-posts, @fishanonishere, @navxry, @calxlu (you) ♡ ily all, all of u are just so amazing, idk what i even did to meet u all, literally so happy if we ever talk or interact here <3)

OKAY 🤚 THE VIBE IS GETTING A BIT MORE.... UN-SILLY, SO UHHH MOVING ON TO THE NEXT BIT-

Fanfic literally runs half of the fandom, and that fandom could be anything lmao. Well, not really half, but a significant amount! I think memes also run a significant amount of keeping the fandom alive too lol

BUT YEAH, I ENDED UP BUYING PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, RIGHT? AND NOW I'M LIKE... "hm, what in the world is this word? who is talking in this part?? what is even happening-" jkjk, my vocabs is kinda limited since i'm not a native english speaker, but i do understand most of what the book is actually explaining

AND YAAYYY MY HEADPATS ARE ACCEPTED <3

[headdaze]

for your lil ask post: (if that doesn’t work just imagine me flopping around like a fish outta water all sad and emo like bc i hate mobile)

I’M NOT INTO ANY SO JUST ANSWER WITH ONE OF YOUR FAVS (if you wanna <3)

FISH ILYSM YES IT DID WORK LOLLL yeah mobile is a pain (mostly bc I hate texting RIP) so I feel u, like I have to add tags onto posts so they don't get buried but it's so annoying to type out all of them and then add the little hashtag to actually make it a tag so these days I literally just do "reblog now" and then later on desktop i'll add tags 😂

ANYWAYS

now those of you who have been stalking my recent reblogs will probably expect me to yap abt svt and believe me I could & I would but im gonna take this chance to yap about my current fav gg my beloved 💖 KISS OF LIFE 💖 for the ask game - for those of yall who don't know they're under S2 entertainment (not one of the "famous" companies to my knowledge), have four members, and debuted pretty recently in 2023!!

✦ my first bias: belle her vocals literally make me feel like i could die happy. also she's so competent (i love competency) & just so unintentionally funny sometimes and always slays so yes i love her so much

✦ my current bias(es): ot4 😭 i feel like sayinh anything else is a CRIME, imo they're the best when they're together and vibing bc the way they all just hang out and have fun together reminds me a lot of my own friend group 🥹

✦ my album and/or era ranking (or favorite of each): they're newer so not too many eras to choose from & also all of them are SLAYS SO here's the best from each for me - kiss of life (debut album): I'm weak for belle's countdown (prechorus SLAYSSS) & shh is surprisingly addictive / born to be xx: all of it. amazing. says it is really beaitufl and calm, but bad news always gets me hyped!! / midas touch: it's a single album so only two songs BUT THEY GO SO HARD!!!

✦ how i got into them: this is a really weird story that I'm just gonna tell bc I can and I will -- I saw Jii (cover artist on Youtube) uploaded a short of her Chinese cover of Midas Touch & Jordan Orme (also a youtuber) analyzed the music video… but tbh I was annoyed to see it everywhere RIP LOL and then eventually watched Jii’s short and was like “wait this is actually so banger” so I watched the Midas Touch MV then watched Jordan Orme dissect it .. then idk how but eventually I just went on a KIOF listening spree, listened to all their discography and the rest is history >3< I will say I feel like the moment I was like "yeah i love them to death" is when I watched their midas touch part switch dance; i feel like it really showed off their fun energy and made them feel very real, in a way.

✦ which member would be my best friend: oh help i actually don't know since i don't know TOO TOO much abt each of their personalities - maybe natty?? maybe i'm biased bc i have a best friend whose name is pretty similar to hers 😂

✦ something i associate with them (or with a bias/any member): shimmery metallic pink, X's, hearts, anything NEAR midas touch/greek mythology as any concept :D

tysm fish again for letting me yappp ily/p 🫶💘

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

https://www.tumblr.com/twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat/742399552248840192

To answer your question as to who mari would be in this I raise you two options: if you were to make a sashisu x reader omori au (including nanami and haibara) reader could either be mari OR…. reader could be basil…bc imagine the survivors guilt😭😭

ANON????????? YOU’RE LITERALLY INSANE?????? YOU CAN’TTTTTTT DROP SUCH A BIGBRAINED CONCEPT IN MY ASK BOX AND EXPECT ME TO BE FINE 😭😭😭😭😭

no because this ask has been haunting me since i saw it ………. the potential here………… we’re gonna have to Discuss this. in depth. anon take my hand 🤲 hold it tight so we don’t lose each other in the brain rot

first of all SASHISU X READER OMORI AU ARE YOU INSANE??????? THAT’S SOOOO GOOD WHAT….. u little genius why do i lowkey wanna write this now 😞

okay so . this is just me spitballing …. but …… what if. omori!shoko… kel!haibara……. basil!gojo….. aubrey!nanami and hero!sugu🤔🤔🤔 what do we think anon. honestly i just got kind of attached to shoko being omori but i could see sugu taking that role too !! still, he reminds me a lot of hero :(( the guilt he feels…. all that leftover love for mari that he tries to turn into something good by becoming a doctor…..,,,, the way he returns to keep the group stable. it just makes sense to me!! i feel like he would bear the most guilt over reader’s death, blaming himself for not noticing anything… :(( he absolutely hasn’t moved past it but he’s trying so hard to keep himself intact.

and honestly nanami and haibara are kinda self-explanatory… haibara is Literally kel and emo nana reminds me a lot of aubrey !! i could see him being so attached to reader as a child and just being so angry over it all yk???? lashing out at everyone. he loved them so dearly and saw them as an older sibling and he can’t stand the idea of moving on from any of it.

and ohhhhh basil!gojo…….. he’s so. so so so guilty. so terrified of everyone leaving him. this is one i’m a lil unsure abt but i can still see it yk??? him and shoko bearing all this silent guilt, keeping it from suguru…… gojo being so attached to you but choosing to bear the guilt along with shoko… because he’s The Strongest and he couldn’t let her bear that kind of sin alone . DO WE SEE THE VISION……….,

ok but alternatively….., sugu is omori and shoko is hero 👀👀👀👀 sugu who shuts himself away from the guilt …… represses it ………. gojo who bears the sin of reader’s death along with him. because they’re best friends who share everything. and shoko being the glue that keeps them together in a way… that shows up when things get ugly…. hero being a doctor is also so fitting. and her silent suffering over reader’s death that she doesn’t let anyone see……,.,,,, shoko/reader canon idc

and then obv the final confrontation between sugu and gojo……, sugu and himself…….. ”you loved her and you killed her.” I FEEL ILLLLLL tbh this version feels so much more fitting 😭😭😭 omori!shoko still has a special place in my heart tho. but just imagine the final battle between sugu and gojo… letting go of their guilt when they see each other in the hospital ….., sighhhhh. this au makes me so emotional T_T

[ahjustroza]

Do you have any hcs abt Last Legacy modern au?

Sorry for the wait! I just write very slow 🥺😭 btw I am still writing other requests! I'll post them as soon as I finish writing ✨😌😏 And YES I still take requests😏😏😏

Lol btw I haven't played the catboy Felix tale yet but found his delicious CG. Also, there might be typos etc. My dyslexia was a hoe for the last couple of days (･_･

Last Legacy Modern Au Headcanons

Sage

Lmao the first time you went to his place you faced with an ancient-looking old computer that he found in a garage sale

"It still works"

"Sage with its monitor alone you can heat your entire house in winter"

"Aye, but I don't have to use that to get heated if you catch my drift."

Let me give you a concept: thrift store dates

You took him to a thrift store once and thought it might be fun

But at the moment you entered the store Sage found a damn fake fur jacket and gold sunglasses

He will buy anything with a famous brand logo and say it is original and is an antique

But he'll only do that to annoy people

Mostly.

Sage cares about his looks but doesn't go crazy about it

Before dating you he just lived his life like a street kid like in cyberpunk 2077

Sage and Tulsi grew up in slums and then Sage got an apartment so that Tulsi could grow up in a safe environment

He didn't go to college but made sure that Tulsi did

Sage basically works as a mercenary in the modern au as well

He travels a lot and has to disappear for a looong long time

Tulsi is used to it but you aren't

Once you two are in a relationship and he feels ready to settle down he might get a job closeby to your shared house

You made him realize that he needs his family around him

And now he is not alone to carry all the burden by himself

He knows that if he can't make it in time you will be there to help out Tulsi or take care of all the work for him

He feels lighter around you

Also, he makes many people jealous on the streets lol

Whenever you two are on a date no one can believe that you, a literal divine being, could look at a Boku no pico catboy maid-sama man like him.

He is also jealous of you

But never possessive

He likes to send you out of context memes in the worst possible times ever

Like you got Luigi and Mario animations, doing the waltz, with the Britney Spears' Toxic song during the busiest hour of your shift

He also texted "This us"

The audacity

Sage would also LOVE video games

Especially Final Fantasy games

But he suck at playing them so he makes you play instead

And he'll give instructions too

"I saw a checkpoint in the other room babe,"

"Love, I gotta run away from the boss right now."

"It's not the boss, bosses have their boss rooms. This is an obstacle"

Sage also suck at filing taxes

So good luck with that

I can see Sage having PTSD treatments because of his traumatized childhood and the life he had to live until now after settling down with you

You convinced him to go to therapy and Tulsi backed you up

So he will take medications every day

At first, you had to remind him a lot, but then he just made it an addiction and now doesn't need reminders

He was never happier and finally had a taste of a healthy and caring relationship with you

He is also not so terrible with putting the IKEA furniture together.

Felix

He got expelled from Harvard.

Then his rich father had to convince the headmaster to reconsider the decision and Felix ended up with suspension instead smh

Felix's grades are great but he has disciplinary issues

I can see him majoring in criminal justice and mortuary science

Or maybe just mortuary science

Escell was very disappointed in him.

He is also famous for dating with the valedictorian among Harvard graduates

Then they broke up and you yeeted yourself in his life

Or he yeeted himself to your arms

He literally dramatically fell one day and you happened to be close to catch him

Then the Titanic music played in the background with the slow summer rain fell down to your heads

You are hot so he was flustered

Like he internally screamed when he fell in your arms

Or shall I say fell in love?

You two then started as friends since not too later he found out that he might actually have a chance with you after you mentioned your love of video games and romance books

After starting to date he confessed that he has an AO3 account asddgf

Rime was a burden too

He was the one who broke Felix's heart

But still wanted him to only love him and him alone

Then you were like

"Hoe listen to me..."

Rime hot

But no

Felix cried until morning the day you fist fought Rime in the grocery store parking lot

AAHGDHFA

Scylla secretly approved your determination that day and watched the fight afar

Escell got drunk and Florian came home the day after for everyone's explanations

The deeper your relationship got the more a part of his family you become

I mean every Friday it was now a routine that Felix and you attended family dinner

No one even asks anymore they just put your plate down and Escell hides his most expensive wine bottles from everyone

Felix is not good to live in his own house though

He always lived with someone in the house so he wasn't alone

Ever.

When you moved into the same house with him Felix was relieved

You two will be emos together and watch fifty shades of grey movies during the quarantine

Please ask Felix if he thinks the movie is interesting, he will avoid you all day long

Then become a blanket burrito at night lmao

Oh btw he might tell you random facts about mortuary

Like you are in the shower and he comes in to brush his teeth

Then he'll tell you a fact you didn't have to know then leave

"Truly fascinating, if you ask me."

He is also the type to text you from the other side of the room

Or call you from the other room to ask you if you can bring him something to eat

Felix would also love to go to the farmers' market too

"Finally some quality food."

Whenever you two go on a vacation together

lmao someone ALWAYS takes his hand and reads his palm

Only to be ended up getting scolded and getting a proper palm reading from Felix

Anisa

Call her and ask if she wants drive tru

"Love, it is thREE IN THE MORNING, I have work tomorrow-"

"So two? Or nah?"

"Get a coffee."

Actually, she wants a cookie but won't admit it

She knows you'll get her a cookie

You always get her a cookie with coffee

Anisa might be a great investigator if you ask me

If not a detective or a police chief or lieutenant

But I think she would work in law enforcement

Or she might also start her own company and rise as well

Unlike Sage and Felix, Anisa will not live in the same house with you before she decides to settle down for good

It's not because she doesn't want you around her

But because she is always at work and doesn't want to leave everything to you to handle at home

But she is always with you on her day offs

Will call you once a day at least

Text you during her breaks or whenever she can

If you can show up at her workplace during the lunch break she will take you to the nearest coffee shop

"Their coffee is not nearly as good as yours, but among other shops, this is the most drinkable one."

She will spoil you during your dates!

She likes to see you smile and will do anything for you to have a good time with her

So expect sweets, movie nights, amusement park dates, or just traveling during both of your yearly week/month offs/breaks

She won't admit it but likes it when you try to match your clothes with hers

She will know your favorite everythings lol

Take her to a dinner date and she will be so happy and feel spoiled

She will let you paint her nails

Let you get all the hot water in the shower

Will let you wear her clothes

Pillow fights are allowed every now and then

When she gets sick she'll try to power through but likes it when you baby her

Whenever you get sick she will try to not fuss over you but every 15 minutes she'll ask to take you to see a doctor

She is a cereal gal

You might have to drag her to bed many nights because she will take work at home

Oh my god, do play dungeons and dragons with her

If you visited somewhere she has never been she will ask a lot of questions about your trip

Likes to binge a tv series you two found online

Also enjoys just silent but comfortable moments with you

When you read your book she will gaze at you

All heart eyes

Will put her favorite picture of you two as her profile picture in her social media accounts

Will like your every post

ALWAYS TEXTS BACK TO YOU. ALWAYS.

Never leaves you on read/seen

She will either give you a proper text or just let you know that she is busy at the moment

Also if you come home later than her she will ask if you want her to prepare anything special you want for dinner

otherwise, she'll do dishes that you both like anyway

If she is late, she'll call you to ask if you need anything from the grocery store, etc.

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[franeridart]

Anon said: Would you draw SukuFushi? (Sukuna x Fushiguro)

maybe? *thinking face* if I ever got an idea for it, why not. I find sukuna’s obsession with fushiguro entertaining so I don’t count fanarts for it as impossible haha

Anon said: I looked and I couldn't find if you've answered this already, so apologies if you did, but how do you draw your faces? I always struggle with face shape and yours are always super good with really expressive features! Anyway, thanks so much I love your art <3

HMMMMMMMM how do I do that indeed, the basics are honestly what you’d find on any basic tutorial about drawing a face (circle, cross in the middle of it, build the face around that - I really still can’t avoid that step and probably never will). As for the expressions, to be honest with you my way of going about them is thinking them up in emoji/kaomoji form first and then go from there. Emojis and kaomojis have to simplify expressions to the max since it’s such a simple format, right? But they’re still super expressive and convey exactly what they’re trying to say with one single glance, so using them as some kind of reference sheet has helped me a lot in figuring out what’s essential to express what I’m trying to say - still working on it though! I’m rarely satisfied with my expressions, they really do make or break a drawing don’t they............ you never stop learning, I guess!

Anon said:  Ahhhhhhh I just spent like hrs scrolling thru ur oc tag and they’re all amazing I love them so much but I keep confusing the everloving SHIT out of myself cuz I too have a child who is Leo and he’s literally so different from ur Leo lol. Anyway tho ur art is amazing and it honestly just makes me so happy so ty and hope have a good day!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHH MY LEO! It’d been forever since I’ve last drawn him, I kind of miss him............... glad you like my stuff, by the way! Especially about you liking my ocs, that means the world to me!

Anon said: hi there !!! i was wondering if i had ur permission to ur ur itafushi art in one of my edits ! i wanted to be sure before using it <3 total respect if its a no !! thankyouuuu

Sorry but I’d prefer if you didn’t do that!

Anon said:THERES A OCTOPATH TRAVELER LIGHT NOVEL AND ITS SO COOL BUT ITS ONLY IN JAPANEESE ! ;^;There's four stories with centered around pairs of characters and alfion is one of them !Idk if itll be transleted but i hope itll be cuz it sound awesome

OH I KNOW!!!!!!! I saw the art for the alfion one a while back, it looks so soft!!!! ;;;;; 8path is kinda niche as a game though, so who knows.............. let’s cross our fingers!!

Anon said:  hello, i am here to recc Skeletons by New Years Day because i think it might fit a few of your ships<3

Thanks anon now I’m emo ;;;;;

Anon said: bakubro gives the best hugs. kirishima is the only one who knows this. everyone is absolutely incredulous when the question "who gives the best hugs" goes around and kirishima answers bakugo. (bakugo thinks kirishima is the best but he benefits from kirishima bodily hugging him and he's biased)

Definitely!! He’s strong and warm after all, bet hugging him would feel the best.... the only one who shall ever know is kiri though, as I bet his hugs are only that nice when he really likes the person he’s hugging hahaha

Anon said: Hi! Just wanted to say that I absolutely love your JJK art! The colors and style are absolutely stunning.

Thank you so much!!!!!!! I feel like I’m mostly drawing for myself lately ngl hahaha so knowing you like it means a lot!!

Anon said: Hi!! This isn't a request I just really like your art! I found you from Pinterest on a kiribaku thing you drew! Your art is so cool! I wish I could draw like that!!! I'll keep looking for new art you've made :D

Aw pinterest.......................... glad you could find your way back here though!! And thank you!!

Anon said: This happened a while ago, but i wanted to say it anyway. I remember when I started watching jujutsu kaisen and I was looking for content arter finishing the first 10 episodes in less than a day and I found your first jujutsu kaisen post (it was posted that dame day) and i was like ???? One of my favorite artists got into jk at the same time than me!!! I just thought it was a neat coincedence to share! I really love your art too, you're amazing!! Happy New Year!!

It’s!!!!!!!!!!!! a pretty dang neat coincidence for me too, since it’s always nice to know at least some of my followers are still into the stuff I make hahahaha

Anon said: i think a lot abt ur art and how ive been seeing u since middle school and now im graduating highschool and we're still in the same fandoms, i hope this doesnt make u feel old but rather VERY cherished qwq

No anon this makes me feel amazing you’ve been around so long!!!!!!! I can’t believe you’re still here with my thank you so much for that!!!!!! I think I’m gonna cry a little here.......... ;;;

Anon said: Hi! I love your art so much!! 🥰 Have you read a KiriBaku fic called The Pit??

Probably not, haven’t been reading krbk fics in a while by now! I’ll add it to my for-later list, thank you so much for the rec!!

Anon said: can u believe that (sans sero) the entire bakusquad can be put into some form of punk/goth fashion? the realization was a galaxy brain moment for me. also realizing that tokoyami, kirishima, and tamaki are all varying levels of goth/emo (some more concerning than others)

Sero’s the hippie friend every punk friend group needs, he balances things out and that’s why he’s very cherished and necessary!!!!

Anon said: your bakugo drawings convinced me to finally start stretching my ears and tbh i'm extremely excited (i've had off and on thoughts of stretching my ears (again) before this so it's not as impulsive as it sounds haha)

Anon that’s so cool!!!!!!! I love gauges so much.....................glad I could give you the last push for it!!

Anon said: uhhhh, i love the style of that top left goge drawing dude!!

THANK YOU I LOVE DRAWING IN THAT STYLE THIS ASK MEANS THE UNIVERSE TO ME

Anon said: i sent the dragon!kiri and bakugo tug-of-waring over a piece of meat and honestly your response is exactly what i thought

Great minds!!!!!!! hahaha

[noramoons]

Hey for the ask game

Got7 all of them?

omg absolutely! 💚💚 putting this under the cut hehe

kpop ask game!

1. who’s your bias?

the one and only jackson wang…

2. how did you decide on your bias?

i actually heard jackson’s solo music before i got into got7! (which was literally two months before they left jype 🥲) i rlly enjoyed what i heard from the actual group so I started looking into more of their content, but i was still very enamored by jackson lmaoo he’s just such a funny dude in their group interactions

3. who’s your bias wrecker?

it’s a VERY close tie between jaebeom and bambam…jaebeom is such a great leader and bambam is so funny gdndndj

4. hyung line or maknae line?

ooo this is tough…i think i’ll go with hyung line BUT i love maknae line so much too 😔 decisions decisions

5. what is your favorite era?

probably not by the moon/dye era! everyone looked SO good and that album has some of my favorite music from them

6. your favorite song and why?

omg i’ve been playing pray on repeat this week so it’s definitely my favorite rn but i do feel like my answer for this changes constantly jfnfndj. i just love that instrumental part at the beginning a lot!

7. what’s the first song you heard?

안보여 (Come On) ! heard it in the car with my roommate and i was like 👀 u got any more of these hehe

8. your favorite album?

breath of love: last piece!

9. have they ever made you cry?

i cry pretty easily LOL but got7 actually hasn’t made me cry yet—however i got REAL close with that goodbye stage right before they left jype…bambam getting so emotional rlly got to me, especially with him talking about how devoted the fans are :(

10. favorite music video?

another question that changes all the time but rn i’d have to say look! that footwork in the chorus is some of my favorite choreo from them

11. what do you love about this group?

oh gosh, ik it’s cliché to say they’re just so talented but they rlly are!! and it truly shows with how much their music has changed and evolved throughout their careers, they have such a diverse discography which is what i love abt them. they’re also such a genuine and funny group—my dad has even watched got7 compilations with me before and enjoyed them 😭 i think they’re a great group for whenever you’re feeling down to help you get to feeling better again.

12. who would you marry and why?

jaebeom! him being a cat person is probably at least 80% of that LOL but he’s so genuine and caring w the members too 🥺

13. who would be your best friend and why?

bambam! his humor actually reminds me a lot of the guys i was friends with in high school fndndjd and i just think you’d always have a smile on your face around him

14. do you own any merch?

not yet :// i’ve contemplated collecting jackson’s pcs but there are…so many LOL. i rlly like the got7 lightstick tho!! if they ever tour again i might have to grab one

15. what’s a concept you would like to see them try?

i feel like everyone and their mother is doing a rock/emo concept rn but it would be kinda fun to see got7 go back to their roots w this next comeback a little bit hehehe…they probably won’t LOL but that would be interesting 🤔

16. a subunit you would like?

since got7 already has a few subunits i would love to see more jus2 in the future…please 😩😩

17. favorite look from your bias?

had to dig thru his instagram for this LOL but this was his pfp for a while and it’s just such an immaculate look ☕️

18. your favorite title track?

last piece! played that on repeat almost every time i walked to class last semester loll

19. favorite choreo?

i said look earlier but i do also really enjoy the choreo for poison! especially the studio choom vid with the jackets hehe

20. favorite live performance?

i rlly need to watch more live stages of got7’s tbh! 😩 but that 2018 mama stage with jackson, bambam, and mark performing individually before everyone came out to do lullaby was one of the first things i saw from them and i was hooked immediately!

[outgrowings]

omg i saw u posting abt hating sak*atsu a few times n at first i confused the names n thought u meant suna x atsumu but then i was like wait u got the names wrong @ myself n now im just like ???? why is sak*atsu so popular i dont understand 😭 (also sakusa is like literally the only hq character i dont rly like i dont get the obsession w him jdndnd) its rly the kinda gay ship for straight ppl huh (also sorry for like randomly dropping by w this ive just saw ur posts abt the ship discourse n it reminded me of this situation again fjdjsn)

HI ALAN!!! naur its fine to ask! i never realized i bashed s*kuatsu so much in here lol but based on my very limited yet chaotic experience in lurking through hqtwt (since it was popularized in twitter), its popular because

1) its licherally imaginary yet spread by f*jos (like how christians try to ask you to join their bible study even though you're uninterested) since they find the appeal of two bantering assholes "hot". even though those two barely have any meaningful interactions in the manga. they didn't even talk in the u19 chapters.

2) shippers love the appeal of "enemies to lovers" that s*kuatsu exudes except the only thing they did is banter for less than 10 panels out of how many chapters during the msby vs adlers match (im pretty sure 2 panels of them interacting is sakusa ignoring atsumu). one time i saw someone compare them to sasunaru. i was about to bite someone bc of that.

3) they're both "handsome" and jerks and atsumu gave sakusa a nickname which means that it's OBVIOUSLY real and not made up and there's TENSION between them as rivals, when the only thing they have in common other than being in the same team is that they went to the same volleyball camp in high school that happens like. once a year. and it's canon that sakusa is OBSESSED with ushijima and their rivalry as spikers and barely cares about atsumu so. checkmate s*kuatsus.

4) blonde jock x emo nerd trope. thats it.

5) ok so WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED was that before s*kuatsu got popular (since it only happened after sakusa's chapter dropped, and atsukita was the main atsumu ship for years), ppl actually paired komori and sakusa together and there were many fanarts of them since nationals arc, until it got revealed that they were COUSINS because it was never indicated pre-brazil arc that they were related. so instead of leaving the man alone, the sakusa fans were like "we need to find sakusa another man NOW!!!" and saw atsumu. thats how s*kuatsu was actually born

6) the rest of the shippers don't actually read hq but got convinced by the fandom moms that they did interact

the thing is s*kuatsu would be fine as a crack pairing bc it had no in-text foundation but good god. it now has almost 5k fics based on content from nothing and on mischaracterization of two characters, most of it is written by horny ppl (f*jos), and most of the stans are annoying and love to ignore how much inarizaki meant to atsumu. although i think the pairing is more frequent with the more western/english-speaking side of the hq f*ndom? since atsukita still remains the dominating atsumu ship in east asia after the care package scene in the inarikara match and when atsumu had a flashback of kita in ch. 391. but if they seriously wanted a tall, cool, dark-haired spiker who also lives in osaka for atsumu, aran licherally exists. thats as far as i remember for extensive s*kuatsu origins tho! omg im so sorry you have to read all this

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[irl-dogboy]

1, 4, 8 and 14 for the asks? 💚

ty for the ask jay!!!!!

(these get ramble-y sorry lol..)

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

oh my god ok. so my favorite movie is hereditary, has been my favorite since i saw it, directed by air aster, the a24 one. its so good!!! i saw it in cinemas for my cousin’s birthday. the showing was at like 11pm, the cinema was almost empty, it was absolutely terrifying!!!!! i loved every second of it!!! i got so invested in the emotional/psychological side of the movie and i was crying at the dinner table scene, i just... it hit home LOL. it was so different when compared to the trailer and that big twist was really good imo. when i got home i kept seeing toni collette’s headless body in the corner of my room 10/10

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

there r so many options LOL ok. the actual biggest regret is super heavy so heres the most recent regret ive thought abt. this probably sounds super weird and childish but i honestly regret not doing more stuff on like... school camps and stuff. ive been going on those camps for like what 6 years now, and i was such a scaredy cat??? like i never went on the flying fox or did abseiling until my last camp in year 9, like, i missed out on a lot of fun memories and i bet it was really shit for other ppl around me seeing me all upset. i dunno lol

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

idk honestly, im not a big pride person, so, like. i feel like being alive is something? idk if that answer is too emo or what LMAO but yea. or if you want like a fun nate-y answer I JUST FINISHED MY ART PORTFOLIO AND IT LOOKS NICE AS HELL so definitely that!!!!!!! despite being in studio art theyre still teaching us about hatching and values (weve been doing it for literal years lol) and i did a nice tick hatching practice. its a honey badger and he dont give a shit.

14: Talk about a vacation.

not the answer anyone is looking for but im going on a vacation with my friends in december!!! babys first time to the beach,,, with pals,,,, or just in general,,, im actually genuinely so excited hnsksk. we made a road trip playlist, its a 2h drive and the playlist is 9h long like we’re ready!! im not like extremely close to a lot of the people that are going and i think that being in an environment besides school or a party could help us bond or something lol. its gonna be SO HOT thou i hate aussie summers :-((((

[anothersuperstition]

i was tagged by @killingjarz (hi kady we’ve literally been talking for like hours lmao) so i guess i’m gonna answer these

twenty-one questions

nickname: manda, miss amanda, amanda may

zodiac: all i got is aquarius lmao

height: 5′2″ how many times am i gonna have to tell the world that i’m a tiny bitch

amount of sleep: either two hours or 14 hours there’s no in between

last movie i saw: uhhh final destination 5 i think, i watched the whole series

last thing i googled: the lyrics to remedy by frank iero bc i was working on the flash sheet

favorite musician: if we’re talkin solo then maybe jon bellion, if we’re talkin band then mcr duh

song stuck in my head: the haunting by set it off and also west coast smoker by fall out boy. west coast smoker was playing when frank rt’d my art so right when it happened patrick stump yelled “oh HELL YES” and so did i lmao

other blogs: i used to have a separate art blog and a youtube blog (yikes) but now it’s just this and a url hoard a dragon would be jealous of (that’s honestly a bunch of my old urls)

do i get asks: now i do if i ask for them which is cool bc that didn’t happen like a year ago (also u can totally send asks for fun like abt anything idc)

blogs following: i’m following 305 blogs but i’m p sure a bunch of them are inactive and i have a little over 2000 followers bc art and emo and i got the majority of those in the past like, four months

lucky numbers: 3 and 7 and 21 which is neat bc 3x7=21

what i’m wearing: a too-big black adidas hoodie w a white logo and red plaid pajama shorts that i have Not changed out of today bc i’m sick and allowed to stay in pajamas lmao

dream trip: right now it’s absolutely the trip to meet frank in a few weeks (also kady i would fully 100% u coming with) but like overall i rlly wanna go to ireland

dream job: rlly any kind of artist, though. lately tattoo artist seems to be my ~calling~

favorite food: idrk i like carrots a lot

languages: i can barely speak english on a good day and if u need proof of that i just accidentally spelled “speak” as “speek”

play any instruments: i used to play the viola, well enough that my orchestra teacher was Pissed when i quit after freshman year and refused to call me my actual name until graduation, and now i can play snippets of songs on the piano but that’s abt it

favorite songs: of all time famous last words by mcr and plug in baby by muse, right now west coast smoker by fall out boy, product of a murderer by of mice and men, white noise by pvris, and where do we belong? anywhere but here. by frank iero and the cellabration

random fact: uhhhh i had braces for four years and in middle school i looked like a Proper Nerd bc i had braces and glasses and dorky freckles and my bestfriend moved across the country back then so that’s his Lasting image of me bc we’ve only seen each other in person once since then and it legitimately keeps me up at night bc i look. so much better now lmao

describe yourself as an aesthetic: i thought abt this and wanted to be smth cool and edgy but like. i take a lot of golden hour selfies and they always look unreasonable cute bc of my pink hair and freckles and green eyes and i’m always working at my desk when golden hour hits and casts this soft beautiful gold light across my workspace so unfortunately. probably That lmao

i’m gonna tag @corpsechic (u got tagged Twice m now u gotta do it) @cybercandy @romanticglitch and @smallandcold i know three out of four of u In Real Life and also u don’t gotta do this but also if u see this and just. wanna do it go ahead and say i tagged u

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

control [jeremy h. x squipped!reeader] pt.1

like what i do? consider buying me a coffee!

haha so i literally was on the fence abt how to do this first part before CB helped me decide ‘yeah this would work better so’ ;)

i’m gonna post this first part on it’s own since this one isn’t really heavy at all - but i’ll try to post the heavier parts w some fluffy stuff for people who need it/don’t want to read control

warnings: mainly just pain in this part. we’ll get into worse things later.

           The first day of eighth grade at a new school was stressful. You walked into your first class with shoes tied a bit too tight, backpack light, and your stomach tying itself in knots. You remembered finding your name taped into the corner of a desk, right next to a first: at the head of the list. You remembered not having friends for a while. And then you found yourself sitting behind Jeremy Heere in eighth grade physical science, and you found yourself partners with this awkward, tall, noodle-y thirteen year old for some stupid project that you actually didn’t remember. Jeremy Heere had planet stickers on his bedroom door. Jeremy Heere laughed at the same stupid jokes you did, liked the same music as you (plus more that you two got each other into), and loved video games like Spyro and Kirby. Jeremy Heere was your first friend, and then Michael Mell was your second, and the rest of eighth grade didn’t seem so tough anymore. You had friends to sit with at lunch, people to bitch about classes with, and video games to win and lose at sometimes with two pretty nerdy guys. But you didn’t mind that last part - you were fairly nerdy as well. They didn’t judge you for the little doodles you’d leave on your class notes or on your knockoff Vans or on the cuffs of your jeans - and neither did their parents, honestly. Michael’s moms accepted you like their own, treating you as if you knew Michael as long as Jeremy had. Jeremy’s parents were kind, his father soft-spoken and his mother bold and full of life even on her longest work days. You felt at home with the two of them.

          Freshman year wasn’t so daunting either - the three of you moving onto Middleborough with a lot of familiar faces. Freshman year was when the three of you went to homecoming together for about thirty minutes before ditching to go play Mario Party 7 on the GameCube that Michael Mell still had in his basement with his brother sometimes chilling in the background every so often. Freshman year was when Jeremy met Christine Canigula for the first time, saw the winter play with her in it, and immediately fell. Freshman year was when you realized how the butterflies that stayed in your stomach whenever you were near Jeremy weren’t just anxiety-fueled, but a soft sort of yearning that fluttered whenever his hand brushed your own. The end of freshman year was when things started turning rocky. The start of sophomore year is when Jeremy starting becoming distant, and in turn, that’s when Michael followed him out of your life. Hanging out started to become a happy daydream, lunch grew too quiet and a time to lose yourself in doodles and music, and your afternoons were filled with homework and no one to bitch to about it. Late sophomore year is when you heard about the divorce.

          You’d been standing next to Jeremy after school one day, a week later, stomach churning with anxiety and loose feelings that began to resurface. “I’m sorry about what happened, Jeremy.” You’d mustered up, fingers curled tightly around your bag, sleeves dipping down over your fingers. 

          He looked over to you, slouched forward and hands shoved into his pockets - a habit he’d recently picked up, as if maybe he could hide himself if he just kept trying. “Yeah.” He sort of smiled a little, “it’s... fine.” He lied. You remembered how Jeremy would badly lie: teeth slightly clenched, gaze averted, voice quiet and wavering every so slightly at the end of his words. 

          “Is there anything I can do-”

          “No.” He said, a bit blunt, before finally adding on, “it’s uh.. it’s fine, [y/n]. Thank you.”

          You watched his dad pull up, gaze distant and soft. Jeremy left your side. Fifteen minutes later, your dad’s car pulled up to the curb and you were quick to enter the car.

          Five months later, you were a junior - so close yet so far from that bit of freedom you craved. Just two more years and you’d be out of high school, and you could deal with college when that got closer. Five months later, and you were stuck with Jeremy Heere in four of your classes. In your American History class, he sat desks ahead of you, close to the door - and you’d caught yourself staring at the back of his head while your attention evaporated, and you prayed that he didn’t notice that shit because staring was creepy, fuck, you didn’t mean to stare at him. In Chemistry, he sat next to Michael at a table close to the teacher’s desk - the one in front of him preoccupied by a certain Rich Goranski and some baseball player who’s name you never bothered to remember, all because they were trouble and that was the easiest way for your teacher to keep an eye on him. In American Literature, he sat across the room, hidden behind multiple football players which gave him the perfect cover to nap behind because that was in the mornings and he was a tired little shit sometimes - something you understood a bit too personally. And then there was algebra, where you sat right next to Jeremy Heere, who always asked you for your calculator because he forgot his own. 

          You’d begun to keep your head down, your focus on anything but the people around you, and your task to keep invisible. You hardly stood out - plain clothes that were usually dark in color, hair sort of kept neat as you could keep it, and the normal shitty acne that you’d been trying to get rid of. Maybe it was the stress. You’d caught yourself picking at your nails plenty of times (and fuck, you were going to have to find out how to break the stupid habit), or keeping close to the walls and shoving your hands into your pockets, or fuck - when anxiety reared up bad enough, you’d take to biting your nails. In the eyes of the world around you, you could only assume you were written off as some emo freak or some shit - not that you’d care, frankly. You were left alone for the most part, and that’s how you enjoyed it.

          Jeremy, on the other hand, wasn’t. Something apparently turned Jeremy into more of a target than you - and to be honest, you weren’t exactly sure what it was. You’d seen Rich make shitty remarks to him, ranging from just a simple “tall-ass” to shit questioning Jeremy’s friendship with Michael being just that. Maybe one day you’d gather your courage and tell Rich to fuck off. But you weren’t a blip on the radar - not like how Jeremy was. So you told yourself it was better you stay safe for right now because Jeremy had Michael: you had no one, and you weren’t sure if putting that target on your back would leave you to survive high school. The regrets were there, sure, but at least you stayed unseen.

          At least, until around three weeks into the school year. You had this habit of going to the mall after schools just to wander - never really buying too much since you’d been saving your money from your allowance and your commissions (as sparse as they’d been) for some sweet merch you’d been eyeing up. This habit didn’t lend itself to every single day of every single week - but it had been enough to call it a habit, just because the idea of heading home alone to do nothing but drown yourself with bullshit homework assignments and commissions started to turn your stomach. You didn’t spend a long time there anyway - just sort of wandering into Spencer’s or into GameStop before leaving, maybe grabbing some pretzels or cookies or something first. One Thursday afternoon, you tore out of Spencer’s as business picked up, and as fate would have it: you stumbled right out into the familiar frame of Rich Goranski. Lucky for you, he’d been alone - about to make some comment as he studied your face. Recognition flickered. He knew you.

          Your breath caught in your throat as you flung yourself back a step, “shit - fuck, dude, I’m sorry, I should have-”

          He looked absent. “[y/n].” He said, voice quiet, processing slowly your presence before he blinked several times, as if he was coming back to life right before you. “Right?”

          You gave a slow, cautious nod. “Yeah... look, I’m sorry about-”

          “Tomorrow,” he cut you off, “after school, behind the gym. We’ll talk.”

          Anxiety squeezed your organs. “Fuck, dude-”

          “We’ll talk,” he repeated, and that pretty much solidified the thought that well, shit, you’re probably going to die.

          You nodded slowly before he walked off, muttering something softly before stealing a quick glance over his shoulder at you. And then he was gone, swinging into some store before you let out a long sigh. Okay, so - Rich was going to kill you, you decided. At least that means no chem test for you to fail? You frowned. Weak attempt to be okay with that - but... then again, when you really thought about it, Rich wouldn’t just... kill you on school grounds, right? Especially right after school?

          You swallowed hard, before heading towards the exit. Twenty-four hours. Time to see how many scenarios you can dream up.

          The entirety of Friday was swallowed up by dread and panic and everything shitty. Your heart was beating hard in your ears during your last class, and you’d been pretty damn jumpy all day - accidentally nearly throwing your calculator when Jeremy asked for it, right on cue, and then you came up with some bullshit excuse that you weren’t feeling too peachy keen, Jeremiah, but you’d definitely feel better later. He stared at you before sliding the case from your calculator, slowly turning back to Michael to continue his work. Could that have gone better? Totally. But he seemed to buy it at least - and that’s all that truly mattered in the end. Your leg bounced continuously for the entirety of lunch and throughout the remainder of your final class, anxiety screaming for some sort of release and endless leg bounce was the best way you could channel it. The moment the bell rang, you shoved your things into your bag and bolted out of the room, heading towards the gym. To your surprise, you were alone when you first arrived.

          Twenty minutes later, Rich showed up, bag hanging off of one shoulder and hands jammed into his jeans pockets. He gave you a once-over, before shrugging his bag from his shoulder, tossing it to the ground. This was it: he was gonna fucking kill you and you sort of stumbled back, wondering if you could outrun him-

          “... Jesus fucking - Relax.” He frowned, staring you down as he stretched, joints popping as he did so, “didn’t think you’d show up.”

          You nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, uh, figured... you’d probably hunt me down if I didn’t - but... look, Rich, about yesterday-”

          He groaned, “god fucking-” He cut himself off there, watching as you tensed up, before letting out a heavy breath. “You...” He paused once more, studying your face, “you...” He spoke slowly, “you remember me freshman year, right?”

          You nearly said no. But you did: Rich Goranski, who sat next to you in Biology and... was actually rather quiet, speaking with a strong lisp that you weren’t sure if you remembered correctly because you’d never heard it again. Rich with the D&D dice set in a little pouch in his bag, who sorta smiled at you a little when you brought up this idea for a campaign you had but you didn’t have the players for. Nodding slowly, you finally answered him: “yeah. Biology-”

          “Then you remember how I was-”

          “Yeah? We talked about D&D a couple times-”

          “Don’t fucking bother me with that nerd shit,” he spat, “that’s not important right now.”

          You pressed your lips together for a moment, before finally speaking once more. “I... I don’t see what this has do to with yesterday-”

          “Shut up about that shit!” He snapped, and you flinched slightly and took a step back. He watched you, before he started to regain his composure. “Sorry. Habit.” Shitty habit. “Look. I thought you could use the help I got.”

          “What help? You went from being kinda nice to being a huge fucking dick-” You started before catching yourself. Anger flared up in his eyes. “Sorry-”

          “If you don’t fucking want my help, then fine-”

          “No!” You started, “no - dude, I just... what’s this help?”

          The smallest little smirk started to play at the corner of his lips, and he stood slightly straighter. “You like Jeremy, right?”

          Fuck, was it obvious? “How did you know-”

          He didn’t answer. His smirk became more apparent. Something about it was unnerving - and... Rich didn’t feel so Rich-like, as weird as it seemed. “I’ve got something that can help you with that.”

          “With... Jeremy?” You started, furrowing your brow, “look - Rich, Jeremy and I were friends-”

          “And you can be his friend again, and more, with a SQUIP.” Something about he said that made you feel uneasy. 

          But curiosity reigned supreme in the end. “A... what?”

          “A SQUIP,” he repeated, “it’s this grey, oblong pill with a supercomputer inside of it. You take it and,” he reached up, tapping the side of his head, “you don’t have to worry about shit anymore, because you’ve got it telling you all the right moves to make. You’ll be cooler or smarter or whatever the fuck you want to be! You want to fuck Heere - you can.”

          “I don’t-” You paused, cheeks growing warm, “is that... safe?”

          “It’ll help you.” He said. “Look, it’s six-hundred dollars-”

          “Six-hundred?” You parroted back, “oh, fuck, yeah sure, let me just pull out my fucking wallet with six-hundred in it right now-”

          “Are you always a sarcastic little shit?” Rich asked, stepping towards you, “give me your phone.”

          You pulled it out, unlocking it before holding it out. He opened the contact, and you could only assume he was punching his number into it. Thoughts simmered in your mind as he handed the phone back to you. Questions bubbled. You didn’t speak.

          “Text me when you get the money.” He gave you another smirk, “I know what you’re thinking but... it’s worth it. Trust me.”

          He turned, swiping up his bag in one hand before shrugging it back onto his shoulder, and left you standing there in the hot afternoon sun. Trust him. You looked down to your phone, Rich’s contact still open. You looked back up, watching him disappear into the distance, and started off towards your home. Six-hundred bucks for a pill that’ll change your life, by the sound of it. All you had to do was trust Rich. 

          You let the thought sit with you all through the rest of the afternoon, all through the half-assed attempt at homework that you’d probably finish throughout Sunday and Monday, through dinner with your parents. It wasn’t until you’d been tidying up your room that you found this old shoe-box hidden underneath your bed, and counted the cash that you’d found inside of it - seventy dollars. Why you’d hidden it away, you weren’t sure, but you remembered still having money from commissions that you’d been saving up on PayPal. Seventy as well, you were pretty sure. With your weekly allowance of fifteen dollars, that left you with over a hundred and fifty. Maybe getting six-hundred wouldn’t be too rough after all.

          So you took the leap and you trusted Rich.

          The next day, you called up as many family members as you could looking for any sort of work you could do. Your grandmother was happy to take you up on the offer, and for the next few hours you were outside doing a ton lawn work with the promise of fifty dollars fueling you forward. It wasn’t until you were sitting in her living room, ice-cold lemonade and cookies (the traditional grandma offerings, in your experience) between the two of you with conversation flying, that your phone started to ring and you were greeted with your aunts asking if you could babysit since your parents had said something about you wanting work and that they were willing to pay you forty for tonight - ten dollars an hour. Before you could question why Alexander (the oldest of their kids at age fourteen) couldn’t handle shit, you learned he’d been getting into fights and they couldn’t exactly trust him right then.

          So you thanked your grandmother for the refreshments and the money, and offered up to come help out again if she needed you within the next week before you head home to take a cold shower and head over to your aunts’ in a few hours. Time flew past quickly, and by eleven that night, you were sitting in your bedroom with ninety bucks to add to your total - and that was the moment it hit you that you should probably transfer your funds from PayPal to your bank account then instead of waiting.

          Sunday you started to clean things out, finding anything that you could sell. Thanks to trading in shit at GameStop, a lot of your old video games managed to add up to almost a hundred - only at the cost of childhood nostalgia. Counting everything up, you had roughly three-hundred and thirty dollars. This wasn’t so bad. You could handle this.

          Then came the idea of baking. That usually had a good payoff, right? Besides - you weren’t against the idea of baking at all, since it was rather therapeutic. You focused on baking cooking the entire night after dinner. You managed to rack up fifteen during the school day, fifteen more for baking shit for someone’s younger sibling’s birthday, and then twenty more from their mom for being such a nice kid and doing this on such short notice. Thursday comes and these seniors approach you after school, saying they heard you were the kid that bakes shit and asked if you wanted to come with them - and then immediately clarified they need your baking expertise for brownies, if you caught their drift.

          You did. You weren’t one for weed, but you were one for money. The girl with them drives you to one of their houses that looks a bit too fucking fancy for this kid to just be a stoner who goes to Middleborough. But you shook the thought away - you couldn’t really judge, could you? Money was money, and this wasn’t harming anyone. The three of them sat, talking you through everything while two of them pooled their money together to pay you upon your refusal of any brownies. The two come up with sixty, thanking you for being a bro and also using their vegan ingredients (which you honestly thought deserved an extra ten since vegan weed brownies weren’t your area of expertise) before the girl - Martha, you caught - drove you home.

          She asked you why you agreed. You told her you needed the money. She shoved an extra five into your hand saying that she can’t really pay much since she’s short on cash. You thanked her anyway, and immediately proceeded to do laundry the moment you got home just as a precaution because you really didn’t need to explain the smell of weed.

          Your allowance came the next day. That night you ended up texting Rich that you’ve almost got all the money, if the offer still stands. He told you he’d give you another week. The deadline surprised you, but you figured that you could maybe try to get some commissions if anyone was willing to buy. So you knocked down your prices seemingly out of nowhere, and you end up getting two takers for two full-body, full-background pieces for twenty each. You’d regret the work later. Through a mixture of art, more yard work, the selling of a couple books, you managed to withdraw what you needed with your allowance that Friday giving you the final bit you needed. You texted Rich. He told you to meet him behind the gym in an hour. You told him you’d have to sneak out. He told you it’d be worth it.

          So you trusted him.

          Picking the remainder of leaves off of your shirt, you looked up to see Rich approaching you, his truck pulled onto the grass with headlights shining behind him. His shadow stretched toward you, and soon he was standing before you, a shoe-box tucked under one arm and a Mountain Dew in his other hand. When you go to question him, he stopped you.

          “I’ll drive you home.” He said, shifting the box. You could hear rattling inside of it. “Where’s the money?”

          You reached into your sweatpants pocket, feeling the large wad of cash and for a moment, you had to wonder if this was a good idea or if Rich was just scamming you. Slowly withdrawing the money, you hold it out to him and he took it, shoving it into his own pocket. “You’re not going to count it?” You asked, watching him pop the box open.

          He looked back up at you. “Do I need to?”

          “It’s all there,” you said, “but... I just thought you’d-”

          “I trust you to not pull any shit.” He plucked a pill from the box, stepping towards you, “look. For some fucking reason, you have to take this shit with Mountain Dew. It’s going to fucking hurt for a bit but... it’s not gonna last long.”

          Cautiously, you took the pill from his hand, watching him uncap the Mountain Dew and hand it to you. You only watched him place the lid back on the box, stepping back for a moment to set it down, as he stared you down. Finally, you placed the pill on your tongue, and took a swig of the soda, the taste of mint chasing it’s way down your throat. A small smirk twitched at the corner of Rich’s mouth. Fear filled your stomach.

          “I... don’t think it-” You started, only for a sharp pain to stab through your head, “fuck-” For a moment, you thought that’d be it before the ache spread through your brain, pulsing. You let out a hiss, shutting your eyes, “shit, Rich-”

          > CALIBRATION IN PROCESS. PLEASE EXCUSE SOME MILD DISCOMFORT.

          Your legs shook underneath your weight, the pulsing threatening to knock you over, and before you knew it, Rich was there to steady you. But finally, your legs gave out, your hands flying to the sides of your head as you dug your nails into your scalp as the pain slowly increased, your breath growing more labored between the soft swears that started to spill from you. Then there was the strangest sensation of what you thought was something forcing it’s way into your brain took over. And then, all in a moment, it’s gone. You steadied yourself, looking to Rich as you were about to try to stand.

          “Was that-”

          > CALIBRATION COMPLETE. ACCESS PROCEDURE INITIATED.

          “Wait, Rich-”

          > DISCOMFORT LEVEL MAY INCREASE.

          “FUCK-”

          Barely a moment later, you’d been thrown to the ground as pain spiraled throughout every single fiber of your being. It grasped you strongly, seizing you with nothing but agony as spasms ran through you involuntarily, a shriek finally escaping you before Rich pounced, a hand clasped over your mouth as he swore, trying to keep you still. Tears streamed down your cheeks as your thoughts were gone, replaced with nothing but pain and the occasional swear and something else-

          > ACCESSING: NEURAL MEMORY.

          > ACCESSING: MUSCLE MEMORY.

          > ACCESS PROCEDURE: COMPLETE.

          > [Y/N] [Y/L/N].

          > WELCOME TO YOUR SUPER QUANTUM UNIT INTEL PROCESSOR.

          > YOUR SQUIP.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i can remember going to like five bday parties

1. kid in preschool who invited pretty much everyone. all i remember was going up the driveway

2. kid in elementary school named tommy who didn't have hardly any friends, same. we went to the bowling alley and i'm sure that was great. i'm cool with bowling.

just remembered i had a kinda friend named sophia for a few years cuz our moms worked together or smthing. she was fun we just didnt see each other that much. also had a friend in early elementary school named michael who i enjoyed being around, which was rare i actively wanted to be friends with someone, he was cool too. i think he went to a different school after a couple of grades tho. another rare friend i wanted to be friends with was the one where we were both so quiet that im not even sure we spoke the same language, in a literal sense. but that was the one where one day i guess the teacher wanted to make an example out of a couple quiet kids who never did anything coz we were getting a kick out of looking at each other thru the holes in our folders and it wasnt even a lesson but i had to carry my assigned desk across the room and for someone who interprets attention as dangerous it was a trial for me though i pretended it was fine coz i have had a stubborn streak since old enough to have like any traits at all. other people i wanted to be friends with pre-college: josh, who i was friends with, but after we went to different schools and i found him on facebook he refused to talk to me coz he was going through a hardcore late emo phase i guess and i hope that part of his life has settled; emily, who was cute and friendly and we were acquaintances who shared classes but i never spoke to anyone and we never got a friendship going thru coincidence, saw her years later at my summer job and she seemed alive; arissa, who i was friends with and could goof around with but then we went to different schools and never had any contact since

3. a sorta friend from since-preschool, this one was pretty fun, it was a smallish sleepover and we watched a movie and did the thing where you pour some colors into a mold and bake ur own custom superball, there were fireflies too, her parents were nice.

4. a friend who had a pool party which was great b/c i like pools. accidentally gave her a present meant for my dad because they were the same size and i wrapped them together coz their birthdays are close together and i didnt even realize it until my dad opened the one meant for her a few days later. classic

5. a friend who went to a concert kind of but it was like a mom concert especially since her mom took us and it was fine but i dont count it as my first concert which was me sneaking off to see kesha. it was good except she hadnt ever said it was a birthday thing so i hadnt brought a gift and there was only one other person invited, who totally had. Classic

6. just remembered another one which was a elementary school friend for a couple years, all i remember really happening was using coloring books and she got really stressed about finding a marker she'd just gotten as a gift because her parents would be mad. also got stressed when something spilled i think. i recognized that pretty easily so im really assuming her parents were abusive too. she wasnt always that great a friend though and it made me mad, like one time in art class she asked my advice on how to fix flower stems she'd painted too wide and i said well all i could really think to do was use some white paint on it, and when she did that and the paint didnt opaquely cover up what she'd painted she got mad at me and for some reason stole my scissors to get even with me for ruining her painting. third grade me didnt think that was cool. plus she always took half my sandwich at lunch, like, bro. but that wasnt as annoying as the time a friend in middle school who was one of the only people to actually hang out with me was not only going thru a period of not hanging out with me but also only talking to me to get my math homework to copy from during lunch. and then one day she didnt even give it back before lunch and our next period was math and anyways i was upset about getting a zero but then i didnt care pretty quickly. she was pretty nice anyway. and i came to give like rock bottom amt of shits abt school within time so looking back im definitely not even mad. that scissors thing was still out of line tho by contrast

thrillingly i thought of that topic coz once i tagged along to a bday party of one of my sister's friends, my sister being a person who actually has friends. it was pretty fun and it was just backyard running around and one of them let me race them around in circles on a bike, which i recognized as gracious from a kid three years older. i think that was where my sister got a plastic cup that looked like a coconut that my mom took and threw away later to punish her for whatever and i remember coz my sister cared enough about it to ask her not to throw it away but of course that doesnt work

i had a bday party once? in elementary school. i guess we saw a movie but im not sure what it was. and it was a sleepover so apparently i couldnt invite my friends who were boys, which was at least half of the precious few of them, which i thought was dumbassed as hell, on account of it was. plus for like weeks in advance my mom threatened to cancel it for whatever thing of the day was pissing her off. probably not playing piano for thirty minutes a day which i never wanted to do but for some reason had to do for years because i made the mistake of wanting to do the thing my sister was when i was like five and a clueless fucko. and we owned a piano. idk why my mom gave a shit that if we showed any interest in learning we Had to, for 30 min a Day which is an eternity in kid time, and also we couldnt stop. that was a weird thing that i forget about. i forget about 86% of my life and 93% of the first third or two because there is not much worth remembering as you can imagine. i mean, its mostly there in my memory, its just hard to pull up anything unless i have a specific reminder of a certain memory or else just try really hard i guess. i'm just out here, who knows what was going on back then. besides bs