#literally been fucking up relationships and obsessing and thinking i'm an awful fucking person.

[knifegremliin]

turns out the ocd has been Symptoming for a hot minute and fucking up everything and I Didn't Realize 👍

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji has helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for the creation of this character. He quite literally means the world to me right now.

(TW: ED/Depression/Suicide attempt mention)

I've always struggled with food. Well, not always. But at the end of middle school (more or less. Give or take. Age 12/13) I became obsessed with what I ate. I still don't know exactly how it started, but I think it has always been a mix of my need to control my life when it's crumbling down and the necessity to look skinny (both things are my mother's fault, mostly. And also lots of things going on at the moment). So I started skipping meals constantly and throwing away food and throwing up. Not gonna get into details, but it ruined my life without anybody knowing until a huge depressive episode came and then I tried to off myself, yadda yadda yadda. Then I just stopped eating food and my meals every day were basically a monster and gum and maybe a piece of fruit. I couldn't even drink milk without crying. Then it got a bit better. Then a bit worse. It wasn't very consistent. And then I started doing exercise but that only made me even more obsessed with calorie intake and healthy food and I still can't drink milk or bread without at least feeling awful about it.

And then I watched One Piece.

I know it sounds extremely silly and dumb, but it has helped me in so many ways. I'm not gonna get into all the things it has done for me, because then I'd have to talk about Robin, Nami, Luffy, Pudding and Buggy which are, like, the characters that have helped me the most next to Sanji, and I would not finish this post.

But Sanji is just so, so important to me.

He speaks about food with such passion. His whole thing about not wasting food literally comes from an experience of starvation and because of the sacrifice his father made for him. He keeps saying he refuses to let people go hungry, no matter what. That we all deserve to eat. He relates food to love and cooking is his whole life. It kind of started as a joke when my brother said "nooo, now you can't waste food because Sanji would be sad" and I- That day I literally ate wayyy more than usual with that thought in mind. And I didn't feel bad afterward for once. And he's just- He just makes me feel so comfortable around food. Which is the normal amount of comfort somebody should have and sometimes it's not even that, but it helps. It helps so much.

Then his whole thing with Germa and the Vinsmokes. It killed me. My relationship with my mother is, uh, you can call it complicated but I fucking hate her so. Yeah. And Sanji's story about rejecting his blood relatives and finding better people who will love him hit so close to home. Him being different. Weak. More emotional. A good person. Sanji refusing to use the name Vinsmoke. It's my whole life. Sanji self-sabotaging himself all the time and constantly sacrificing himself, too? I just can't do it, man, he means the world to me. And then Wano happens and he turns out to have the same body as his siblings but he's still himself. He's still Sanji no matter how much in common he has with the Vinsmokes. And as somebody who's constantly dealing with people telling them that they look like their mom? I fucking love it. I know I look like her and I even act like her sometimes but that doesn't mean I am her. And it doesn't mean she deserves to be part of my family, because she isn't and I can't wait to get rid of her in my life.

It's not only food and family, though. Sanji has helped me accept myself in so many ways too. In the way I perceive others and in the way I act. He has helped me eat. He has helped me realize you don't have to consider your blood relatives family if you don't love them. He has helped me see that my kindness is a strength and not a weak spot.

Not to mention that his whole thing with gender and sexuality, how the fandom portrays him, and how I personally write him has been of so much help in understanding myself. I recently discovered I was a lesbian, and also being genderfluid I just- I just love Sanji so much I be projecting my gender issues and internalized stuff with comphet on him. And let me tell you, it helps.

This whole thing is just something short and sweet I wanted to say because media affects people. In the best of ways. One Piece in general has saved my life in many ways, but Sanji in particular is still helping me every day.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[honestlyyoungtyphoon]

Sorry I hope this ask is okay but. I've been looking through your sadistic beauty posts because I am also a minho stan, and I had some thoughts which are kind of rambly. Firstly, I think that Duna *is* happy and loved, which is what makes me so fucking mad. She's a manipulative rapist and just so fucking awful, so why does she get a happy ending while Minho is turned into a sex slave? Literally keeps me up at night 1/

Secondly, people don’t really say a lot about Haesol and I think he was cute and likable UNTIL he met Minho and was like “you just can’t keep her satisfied sexually :)” while she was literally raping Minho every damn day. And then that scene where he sticks out his tongue while he fucks Duna in front of Minho while Minho is sobbing and pleading with her… Psychopath behavior. I know Haesol probably has an impression of Minho as an obsessive, violent, and abusive ex-boyfriend who deserves to be hurt but he literally has no idea the trauma Minho has gone through, and inflicted on him by the girl Haesol loves even! And yet he’s so obsessed with her that he’d probably excuse it even if he found out. Anyway, Haesol was like, one of the least hateable characters in the manhwa until that point and now I hate his guts but I do feel kind of bad about it 2/2

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

TW: r*pe, alc*hol, sm*king, ab*use

Duna isn't happy. A happy person doesn't drink and smoke like that. She's still a sad pathetic sack, unable to commit to the person that claims to "love" her cause subconsciously she's still not over Minho. 117 chapters still failed to give her any ounce character growth. Did she face any legal consequences of her disgusting actions? No. But is she happy? Also no. Is she loved? By haysool but I'd not feel flattered to be loved by someone like haesol. Gyrien left her cause she saw through her bs. Minho also finally got over her in a healthy way (the person she actually wanted to be loved by). She's still unsure if she could love haesol back, I doubt she'd ever be able to do so. Her and heasol's relationship is far from healthy.

I liked haesol at first but he lost my adoration for him when he continued to persue Duna despite her saying no. He doesn't respect boundaries like at all. He's obsessive and creepy in many ways but his cutesy behavior makes reader forget about his creepy actions. He's very similar to Wookyung. Both are innocent looking but very creepy.

I laughed at the scene where he retorted back to Minho about not being able to keep her satisfied. I mean bro, you couldn't do that either by your logic. She still sought out Gyrien, Minho, Wookyung while she was banging you. When Minho professed his love for her, she literally ignored your ass, until wookyung managed to break them apart. She was still surprised to find Minho leaving her house. She looked shocked.

I started hating haesol when he helped duna torment Minho and showed his tongue at him as if it was something cute. 🙄

Haesol and Wookyung are creepily alike in many situations. Both are obsessed with one person, doesn't respect boundaries, act innocent but can be devious. I really hate two faced characters like this.

Also fun fact, Wookyung also got attached to his first partner who taught him BDSM but his partner didn't return the feelings, just like haesol got attached to duna without his feelings getting returned. Haesol is a psychopath in the making. I'm pretty sure he'd end up like wookyung and would get obsessed with another person after getting dumped by duna and do the things to his victim like wookyung did to Minho. But he wouldn't get away with his actions cause unlike wookyung, haesol isn't wealthy.

Haesol is the most boring character in SB and I've seen people saying he's very forgettable. Some couldn't even remember his name lol

Anyways, this story doesn't have a happy ending for anyone. Duna is going to be a miserable alcoholic and smoker and end up with liver and lungs problems with her current lifestyle. Haesol is a doormat who'd get what he deserves. Minho will be miserable with Wookyung unless and Wookyung would be miserable too cause Minho wouldn't be able to love him the way he wants.

But I only care about Minho's happiness. Who knows maybe in future he'd become more independent and will be able to getaway from his captor/rapist. One can only hope.

[silver-wield]

regarding that comment about nptk. Tbh. I dunno. It felt empty. Can you really say without nojima saying anything that nptk is about everyone? Really? There's a reason why nobody thought so. Like fr, NOBODY. Everyone mostly thought it's Zack, at least the Sane ones. But look, they're washing their hands. Do you see her caring about them in LSW? AC? NO. Not even in the ending. Not even in resolution, Nor creepy date. Not a single message message to her mother. NOTHING. And you want me to believe nptk is about her caring about everyone? That she truly wanted to protect everyone? What UTTER BULLSHIT IS THIS. NOJIMA are you FCKING KIDDING ME? I swear to god, if this was seen by literally anybody, NONE of them would arrive to where he wants them to arrive at. If it was Zack he said it's for everyone and he wanted go protect everyone, I'll Believe it. I Don't need to see the Shallowness of her relationship with Tifa etc because I see her priorities and Obsession and how AWFUL he treats Cloud. It's just triggering tbh. Does Nojima really think this, THIS?? is a "good" person? Let alone a "friend"? What kind of people has he been around to?? JFC I Wish he'd get a second opinion with someone with Morals and can smell BS from far away. This Isn't helping this franchise, and Truly, I am Deeply Hurt for Zack. Not just Cloud being mischaracterized because of BS HC. Not just Tifa being fcked over and taken for granted. It's also saying FCK YOU to the IP.

Like fr, I Can't believe they're still hiring ben sabin. THAT'S FCKED UP.

Honestly I think Nojima has some kinda dissociation between what's shown and what they're telling us because playing blind there's no way anybody would think Aerith is a good friend to Tifa when she's sliming herself over Cloud, and nobody would think that song is about everyone but maybe the English lyrics are at fault and the JP ones fit what he says.

I don't like the song, so idc what it's about. I'm still annoyed they came up with this convoluted scenario and then literally included a line that shows Aerith is getting Deus ex machina favouritism

She should not have been allowed to submit that song, let alone win. And how did they craft an entire production and music to go with the lyrics within a couple hours?!

I'm sorry but I seriously hate this. It makes no fucking sense and they shouldn't have done it.

[stargirlboyfriend]

something so terrible and tender about being willing to throw away the entire world for just a chance at the one you love staying alive. even if it means going against everything he stands for.

i don't know, i think about it a lot. they just feel so real, in a way that an explicitly canon relationship wouldn't be able to. there's something so awful about being akira and having to go home at the end of the day knowing that the person you care about is probably dead.

the one you care for more than anything else, to the point where your core wish, the thing you want more than anything else, is some variation of "i want him to be alive and well," or "i want him to be happy" (underlying connotation of "with me.") the way i interpreted it — he could have wished for anything else, but that's his deepest desire. to see akechi happy, and free to be his true self.

and your choices are —

1: risk losing him, risk him dying a second time and knowing that you did nothing because that was his wish. he wanted to die. he would rather be dead than controlled once again.

(tangent here: i do sincerely believe that akechi's motivation there was a double-edged sword? is that how you use that phrase. i don't think so. double-sided coin maybe. two sides of the some coin.

anyways i think he had two reasons there — first and most obviously, he's fucking tired of being a puppet. of being a bargaining chip in some massive cosmic hellscape. it's happened several times at this point — shido, yaldaboath, and now maruki all using him as their pawns. he doesn't care if he dies, as long as he isn't under maruki's control.

secondly — his entire motivation for working himself to the literal bones (apple a day, anyone?) was for his revenge plot. television, keeping up appearances, school, assassinations, was all to get closer to shido so he could kill him once and for all.

but if he turned all that rage and fire inward, and burnt himself into a boy obsessed with revenge, what does he have left to live for? what sort of stable person would turn themselves psychotic in a last-ditch effort to stop the phantom thieves from keeping him from his literal lifelong goal of being the one to end shido?

anyways, that was a whole lot of talk to say i think he's suicidal. and needs to have a long, long, long talk with a trauma therapist.)

or 2: betray him, betray his most fundamental ideal and the thing he's been fighting against since he was a frightened little teenage boy offering his persona to shido as a way of getting his revenge the only way he could think of. and cling to the knowledge that he's going to hate you, for as long as he can think on his own, but he'll be alive.

i don't know where i'm going with this. 2/2 is such an incredibly insane thing to me like they really put that in there. they really just said hey you know what would make this new edition of the game great. giving this guy gut wrenching terrible grief and moral dilemmas and making him choose to possibly kill the one he cares about and connects with more genuinely than anyone else in the cast.

[michaelmilkers]

Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being so terrible, the hate bond you created between the members in your fail flop server turned into lifelong friendships. We're currently in new Orleans getting brunch after spending the night at a vampire speakeasy and are going to get matching tattoos later tonight, I'm also going to have my one year anniversary with my love soon who I met through the butterfly effect of you being awful pushing things into motion. So thanks for being so hateable also I hate you booooooo we hate you LMFAO 💖🍓💖✨😊 🫶

for people who don't know what this is about because why the fuck would you it happened years ago, i used to run a discord server for followers of this blog until a bunch of people in it decided they hated me so much that they made a second secret discord server dedicated to shit-talking me behind my back and it culminated with a bunch of people who i genuinely thought i was on good terms with revealing the secret shit-talking server to me and then gaslighting me into believing it was my fault and i, a 17 year old, genuinely deserved to have an entire group of people pretending to be my friends for months only to publicly humiliate me, for the grievous offense of having a couple of bad opinions

personally i don't care about what happened in a discord server when i was 17 because i'm an adult who has sex and i certainly don't make up fanfiction where i'm super cool and everyone clapped but i understand not everyone is that mature. like what are your matching tattoos gonna be? my tumblr url?

like even if any of this is true anon tell literally anyone that your deepest relationships are based on the shared joy of cyberbullying a random teen on discord and see how they react. you're definitely the super epic main character here. everyone reading this thinks you're really awesome and not at all a maladjusted freak and i'm so hurt that you've been obsessed with the underage version of myself that lives rent free in your head for YEARS i'm gonna go cry and kill myself

[irisbeingthiamssongiscanon]

Fics I’ve Been Reading This Week! (2/5/23-2/11/23)

I just finished showing Teen Wolf to my partner, and we made the mistake of watching that god awful movie, so of course I'm obsessing over Thiam again. So these are literally all Thiam fics. 

Airplanes by @thiamfresh 

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

So this was a re-read, I finished it up at the beginning of the week. This was one of the first Thiam fics I ever read, and is still my favorite. Liam is so painfully oblivious in this (which is extremely on-brand for him), I wanted to punch him as much as Theo did. If you have been living under a rock and somehow have not read this yet, and don't know what it's about, Liam basically decides that he needs a break after the pack defeats the Anuk-Ite and the hunters and he "forces" Theo to take him on a road trip. Really cute fic, lots of fluff and angst, background Sterek and Morey, no explicit smut, literally iconic. Go read it. Now.

The Storm by @thiamfresh & @extrasteps

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

Also a re-read, because I need my smut. This is an alternate ending to chapter 32 of Airplanes for those of us that wanted smut. While being extremely smutty (it's literally a full chapter of smut), this was still really cute.

with your hands around my neck by @weewoolesbian

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

This one is during season 6B and take place during some of the episodes, which I love when fics do that. VERY well written smut (super explicit, and pretty kinky as well) with very well written plot. Classic case of enemies to enemies w/ benefits to lovers. It's also a 5+1 things fic, which I typically don't read too much of, but I really liked this one. I really wish this was longer :(

Do You Love Me? by @chasing-chimeras

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

So when I read "Liam asks Theo an important question at an inopportune time", I was not expecting the 'inopportune time' to be mid-smut. Caught me SO off guard, BUT I really loved this one-shot, the right amount of fluff and smut (at least for my preference, I'm a horny bastard so I really love my smut).

As I bleed by @thiamfresh

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

God I love the "kiss where it hurts/game of chicken" trope, it should be it's own tag on Ao3 considering how popular it is. Short and sweet fic, no smut, so cute.

inglorious roommates by @honeyscapes

Relationship: Thiam (Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken)

TW for mentions of sexual harassment, SA, homophobia, and child abuse for this one. I am obsessed with this fic, holy shit. Another type of fic that I tend to not read very often is AUs, unless they're just canon divergence, because a lot of the really popular ones for a while were Hogwarts AUs, and as much as HP does mean to me (fuck JKR), Hogwarts AUs have just never been something that interests me. However, I know that there's a lot of well written and non-HP related AUs out there so I've been trying to get into them. This fic is so good, it's a college/university and no werewolves AU, Liam and Theo are both assholes, I believe their characterization is inspired by their pre-development personalities. Theo is the quintessential bad boy trope in this, he's on probation, he's got violent anger issues, etc. I cannot fully express how highly I think of this fic, my partner is so tired of me talking about this one, I literally talk about it multiple times a day.

[allianaavelinjackson]

HAPPY BLORBO BLURSDAY LIA!!! *pops a party popper right in your face

What would your characters do if they received a love confession? (from someone they don't like in return, from someone they DO, or both. yes this is free reign to rant abt anaya and raylen I wanna learn more about them)

*collapses dramatically like I've been shot*

well actually I want to answer this so

*gets up and dusts self off*

this is a Very Interesting Question because I too am Deeply Invested in my sapphic children but I'm also excited to answer this for the others so it's gonna be a long one

ok so I'll start off with kyri because I feel kyri is actually on the aroace spectrum or she's just straight up aroace, and she's more on the queerplatonic angsty relationship side than the actual romance side, so if someone confessed to her then rip said person most likely, get them a tissue for the brutal rejection. ordinary sane ppl probably would not have a crush on kyri tho

Julien? I'm not sure about him but he gives Gay Repressed and honestly its a toss up between him running away blushing and screaming or his heart skips one (1) beat and he's an asshole to love interest for the next 2 weeks. good luck getting him to divulge anything until he's ready, which is probably sometime next century. if he gets a confession from someone he doesn't like back he'll probably be nicer because he has No Feelings Involved he'll just be like aw that's nice :) with his Formal Ass Manners and be like I Appreciate The Admiration Thanks For The Courtesy

KALLAN??? oH BOY. ok so you know those screenshotted Tumblr posts of Beautiful Dumb Bisexual Boy. yeah that's him in the romantic world. that's literally him. his responses range from a finger gun to the cheesiest pickup line, and it's so cheesy youll wish you never confessed in the first place. that's for if he doesn't like you back tho so like rip. I feel like kallan would literally be the crush of every single straight girl in the academy and then he ends up with a boy as his first kiss or smthg so like yeah he probably gets confessions regularly but ppl think him and Raylen are dating for like months and it is a great source of internal pain to Anaya (poor girl) but really they're just a couple of bi af besties. anyway if he does like you back he'll probably have this v serious face and insist on talking it all out and stuff he's cute af

Ok RAYLEN,,

I feel like she's got the like. top vibes. but she's a simp. but top vibes. and she'd like play it cool. and she'd be the type to go LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO in private after they kiss or whatever and Anaya would be looking thru the door and laughing. if she doesn't like you back then she'd probably let you down really gently and seriously cuz Feelings Are Important to her. I won't go too much into detail but I'll talk about Raylen and Anaya as a ship later on

and Anaya. ok this is probably the one I have the most thoughts about, because I want Anaya to be a really emotionally complex character. so she'd probably also let you down very gently because one thing for Raylen and Anaya is that emotions are very important tm and they're both very emotionally intelligent. but if she receives a confession from someone she liKes? bro would combust. bro wouldn't be around for the next step. bro takes her own feelings wayyyyy too seriously. she's obsessed.

I feel Anaya is more of the person to drop hints and do the whole confession thing and MAKE the moves tbh. and Raylen somehow manages to evade every single one while trying to tell anaya as well, because she's Dumb.

them as a ship? would be a really interesting dynamic because they both are simps in different ways, like Anaya is the shit she wore xx item today help and Raylen is the I don't know what color your shirt even is but I'll die for you in combat rn if you like

and Anaya suffers greatly bc of this. neither of them would make any moves at first tho like it would be a really really really really really really really really really slow burn, and Anaya just ignores it until she just Cannot and Explodes. she's the aware one and raylens the dumb one. not in the sense that Raylen doesn't notice, she just notices and thinks Oh Friendship :) idk what the blushing is for tho maybe it's just the weather.

Poor Dumb Queers, the lot of them.

I would do more for Zophie and Chase but I think this post is long enough as a debut writeblr post

this was actually rlly fun even tho I accidentally deleted it once and cried for half an hour so THANKS SER I appreciate it looking forward to More Asks!!!!

[ugh154628]

"She's so obsessed." Yet the result of me talking about this so much now is because of someone else already BEING obsessed with me. Do you not understand how fucking discomforting and life changing that is? Do you not understand how bad being stalked can be on a person? Do you not understand how bad this can consume the person experiencing it?

This has been my life for six years now. It's impact my mental state worse than anything in my life, my physical health due to that, having no appetite dropping to 105 pounds, my anxiety skyrocketing and making me puke a lot, my disgestion system screwing up from the stress constantly, my friendships and relationships in general, my career, my dreams, my motivation to do literally fucking anything, and drive not being capable of enjoying anything anymore, pretty much everything fucking important to me wnd to an individual and human being in general.

They continuously and intentionally taint every little thing that has to do with me and just about everything that is supposed to make me happy; my hobbies, friendships, pretty much every little aspect of my life unique to me, and even not unique to me with a bad theme some way. And they do it on fucking purpose. They literally admit to it being one of their primary goals to ruin me on top of it all and they mock me for my upset.

The only thing they haven't tainted is me sleeping I think, when I even can and when I'm not having fucking insomnia which worsened so bad since all this started years ago. So I guess they took my sleep from me too, nevermind, but at least my body forcefully crashes so I can sometimes. What they do can't override a human being's limits so that's cool. Good for fucking me I guess. But even then I'm to the point I don't want to fucking wake up from sleeping when I can. It's nothing to do with suicide either. It's just about being unconscious and in a place where they can't reach you and your thoughts about the situation can't either. That is where I want to be, as much as I can. Being unconscious and dreaming is the only escape and when I say that I fucking mean it.

Staying home works better than being out too, but even then I can't escape the thought of all of this when I'm awake. I can't stress enough that the thought of people being this obsessed with hating me, constantly violating every little thing about me to the point nothing makes me feel happy anymore, scaring you and then always wondering when the day will come that they try to hurt me physically or completely ruin me somehow to the point I actually have to disappear and start over somewhere else....it's fucking awful. Having to deal with this weighing down my thoughts every day, never feeling safe, always being ready to defend yourself against pure harassment and serious lies, it's fucking awful dude.

I feel like it has already gotten to the point of it being reasonable to disappear and start over, but at least I can still have a job. At least the defamation hasn't reached my career yet but then its like, I'm always worrying about if and when that will ultimately happen. Then I have to wonder when will the day come they take that away from me too from the defamation or even just from my declining health, too. When will the point come that I can't make any money to feed myself or buy a house or open a business. There would be nothing to live for and I'm so fucking scared of that happening. So many things revolving around this situation haunt me every day. Not only could they ruin me themselves, but they directly ruin my mental state doing what they do to the point that I don't want to die but I do just want to sleep and stay home. And they KNOW this and just Amp it all up more and more each passing day. I make it clear over and over again that what they do harms ans scares me, I have directly said this to them a few times, and they don't let up. They just get fucking worse every time.

I just want to stay home in my room and be myself where no one can hurt me like this anymore. Or have a chance at hurting me physically. Where no one can misunderstand me for what I have been going through and hurt me from there reactions either. I want to sleep and I don't want to leave my house. I know I need to leave sometimes but my subconscious fighting against me not to and its so fucking confusing. It's like I just want to hide and to isolate so I don't risk being hurt anymore than I already have, but I also need to survive. It's like stay in the house, don't survive; leave the house, don't survive either. Because not only do I have to deal with them extremely harassing me across social media and intentionally trying to follow me around to my favorite places even private property, I also have to deal with some people around me hurting me with their responses to this situation, minimizing, saying shit like "just ignore it" and not being able to grasp how horrible this has really been for me and that it shouldn't be ignore. I want to stay home so I can't have a chance at dealing with that kind of misunderstanding anymore because it stings bad every time and/or being betrayed by others in ways because of that misunderstanding that make t all worse. So many people really do not understand the real definition of stalking, are extremely unaware about it, the facts about it, and moreover, it's impact on the people experiencing it. I feel so alone, and then the more alone I feel, the less safe I feel. There is too much to consider in all of this and I am so fucking tired. And I have to leave my house to survive no matter how much just doing that by itself weighs me down.

But I know I can't just hide in here where it's safe all the time. I have do what I have to do because life is not stopping for this, but its a fight every fucking day that just keeps getting harder. Any being out in public or interacting with others outside of work has me on high alert all the time, like just from being in public places or even private property that isn't my house where I know I'm the safest I can be tires the fuck out of me emotionally, mentally, and ultimately physically. Just being out is tiring to the point everything I used to enjoy shows, concerts, hiking with friends, do not and probably never will feel the same. I am fucking exhausted and something so simple and normal for everyone else exhausts me within seconds and I hate it so much. I miss being energetic and social. I miss not being too tired to do my makeup and dress up. I miss playing my instruments and drawing without this fucked up shit causing a huge creativity block and lack of motivation. Not even music and art saves me from this. I miss not feeling like I had to sleep so much. I miss not having insomnia in between sleeping a ton and then crashing hard and losing entire days from it and repeat. And I miss not feeling being tired and paralyzed by all of this when I'm awake. I miss the person I was before dealing with stalking and harassment, and I don't know if I will ever be the same again. Especially if it doesn't stop, and even if it miraculously did, I already know healing is not gping to be fast or easy and it's going consume another five years of my life probably. I hate it here. I truly hate it here and I wish it would all just stop. I wish I didn't have to constantly be on guard and defend myself against straight up torment and the lies surrounding it. I just want to live my life the way everyone else gets to but I feel like that will never happen. I feel stuck and like since not enough people understand what's really going on here, the obselete laws surrounding stalking and harassment, there will never be justice. Not in my lifetime anyways, and it's really fucking sad to think about. I just want to sleep. At least I can feel content there.

I always feel like I need to be ready to fight or flight when I'm not staying isolated and the mental/emotional this has had for years now is exactly what is doing it. Even going to work is getting harder. It's getting harder to peel myself out of bed for anything, even on my days off when I'm supposed to have fun. Because I already know I'm not actually have fun. I'm just going to have my head on a swivel and exhausted by any social interaction even if its supposed to be a positive one. It's getting harder to avoid resorting to indefinitely hiding in my room to escape all of this. It's getting harder and harder to ignore all this and keep my shit together anymore. Everything in me just wants me to run away from it all and any possibility of this fucking situation following me wherever I go, but thay's not me and I know they would probably just find and I can't spend my whole life running arpund different places to avoid them. No matter what route I take it's all less than satisfactory or completely awful. There is no ideal path. The best path there is which isn't even a good one is voicing my story to at least release some of the constantly accumulating weight from all this and to maybe get it all to stop, but I am not hopeful about the latter whatsoever. So at least I can release it somewhere. I don't enjoy this. I don't fucking want to do this and make posts here. But it seems like this is all I can do and what I have to do to save the last bits of myself they haven't destroyed.

I just wish I didn't keep having to to do it over and over. I wish it would just stop. This has been the worst experience of my life. It completely changed me as a person and I am scared I will never come back from it. I am scared it will never stop in general and all of this will just keep getting worse and I will never be able to get away or heal from it. And that I will just keep crumbling more and more.

So yeah, no shit I'm going to talk about it and yeah I am probably not going to be fucking nice about it either. This outlet is my last fucking resort to making it all stop and to have a chance of ever returning to a normal life and no being damaged beyond repair by this. But I mostly want to tell my side of the story to at the very least release all of it because its been consuming me so bad for so long. Bottling it up only sent me down hill faster and I wish more people understood that. But I also wish it could stop before its too late. I just want to live the rest of my young years happy and free. Without evil and insane people obessing over me, stalking me, psychologically tormenting me on the deepest most evil level any human could, trying to cancel and defame me om the daily, hoovering me, hawking every little thing I do and trying to take it away from me, seperate me from any support system by discrediting me for my past mental issues and panic attacks, and overall suffocating the ever living fuck out of me every day.

You are literally trying to fucking kill me, dude. You have said it, you have said you want me dead and that you won't ever leave me alone until I am and that you will never stop. You fucking said it plenty of times and you're so unbelievably fucked in the head for saying that about anyone. For aiming to hurt anyone as strategically and horribly as you do and implicating you want them dead on top of that. You only get worse and worse and I can't fucking take it anymore.

Well congrats, you took over half a decade from me, half a decade of me being in constant fight or flight fearing for my future and my fucking life. And you're still taking more. And you can consider yourself taking another five years frok me even if this stopped because thats probably how long it will take to heal well enough to function close to how I used before this. So even if it did stop, I still have years of trying to recover and even then, there is no undoing all the damage. Good job. You did it. And still you fucking stop. Because you're pure evil and the most disgusting, covert sociopath on this planet.

I won't stop talking about this and every single little fucking detail of the TRUTH until it stops. I probably won't even stop talkimg about it for a good while even if it did stop because I need to release this and its going to take me a long fucking time to get it all out of my system. Also if the conclusion worked out in my favor I 10/10 plan on using my experiences to advocate for victims and advocate for better stalking laws. To show so many other silent people they aren't alone, they can be heard and are heard, and that it can stop. I will use myself as an example because I am telling you right now this story is complex and unlike anything I have ever heard of. And it needs to be talked about for a lot of reasons whether it stops or not. I also won't stop talking about it until it ceases, and I get justice for having this many years of my life stolen from me by a seriously evil and sadistic person. Actually MULTIPLE people now. For the most part, I won't shut up until I have emptied it from my mind and body, until it stops continuously flooding me and I don't keep overflowing, and not until I get justice.

But as of now I am the least bit hopeful about justice. I have so much self doubt for so many reasons, mainly how other people respond to my reactions, the court system sucking, and overall so much minimizing and misunderstanding because a lot of people.have yet to learn about the depths of situations like this. I really hope this isn't how it's going to he forever, but I feel so stuck and that I will always be stuck. I just want to live my life and fulfill my dreams without having to pay mind to all of this but at the same time, I will never back down from people stepping on me like this and I feel lole.this is one of those things where I absolutely need to stand up for myself. So I will not sit here and take it in silence. I will keep defending myself. As tired as I am, I am going to keep fighting because backing down from injustice is not and never will be me. No one can take that key character trait from me. You can destroy me hard in every other way possible, but I can and will keep my head far enough above the water you're trying to down me to fight back. One thing you will never take to me is my will to speak out and fight against injustice and evil fucking people like you, whether I'm the victim or not. I might be scared of you pulling some snake shit and ambushing me in public places, but that's not going to stop me from speaking out and using my voice when necessary. You implying that you want to hurt and that you want me dead has a lot to do with why I'm getting loud too because when it comes down to it, I refuse to let you fly under the radar and get away with going that far. And whether other people see it or not, whether you have directly said it or not. You being this crazy and obsessed with me says everything about that being a strong possibility.

I will not let myself be vunerable in silence. I will not let you kill my soul completely either. Not that part and not ever. You can take everything from me but you will never take my voice.

[bisluthq]

Can I just say that it's refreshing to come here and see takes of ppl who actually live in reality cos I've been feeling like I'm going insane these days reading Swiftie's responses to that Joe article. Genuinely what the actual fuck is wrong with these psychos😭 how have they made it canon that Joe is a liar, a manipulative narcissist, and a cheater when there's literally zero evidence for any of that? How are they saying that he never talked about her in interviews when he did and there's concrete evidence, granted most of the questions were always super awkward and cringe but like he did?

A bunch of them say they watch Miss Americana weekly (weird behaviour on its own imho) yet they claim that Joe locked her up and forced her into privacy when she literally says in that documentary multiple times that SHE needed to step back from the spotlight? SHE needed the ultra privacy to heal and he met her there. And look it would make sense to me if it was just chronically online teenagers acting this way (who obvs haven't lived much yet and don't know how real relationships irl work) but you see fully grown ass thirty-somethings who are even married and have kids and lives irl claiming the most evil things about this man with absolutely no evidence and it makes me so uncomfortable, like it hurts me how fucking stupid they all are I'm sorry 😭 it's not even about Joe as a person, it's about them being either evil or highkey stupid idk they're obsessed with making him be a horrible villain and Taylor herself DOES NOT CARE like at ALL. If anything, both of them have made it profoundly clear that independently of how things ended, they both walked away of that relationship with lots of respect for each other, for their families, and for what they shared for 6+ years. The least fans could do is respect that stance too but they seem to hate Taylor idk

The craziest part to me is (idk if you guys have seen this, my for you pages are fucked lol) that a bunch of these stans who straight up believe the Daily Mail articles are coming from Joe's team are the ones who also have very good media literacy when it comes to clocking when an article or puff piece is coming directly from MILF Tree Paine, and when it's straight up bullshit. Yet they believe all the straight up bullshit coming out about Joe on the Daily Mail is his team?? So they're using what those tabloids are saying as "evidence" to claim that he's a manipulative narcissist. And they speak of him being a cheater as if there was evidence for that and speak of it as if it were proven fact so when a casual fan is all like "aw it's nice that her and Joe hold no hatred for each other" they flood the comments with "HE FORCED HER INTO HIDING FOR YEARS AND CHEATED ON HER MULTIPLE TIMES" and the casual fan is like "oh shit I didn't know" and like💀💀💀 that just spreads this whole false narrative and what stans don't realize is that it's embarrassing not only them but most of all TAYLOR, who some casual peeps think is legit the one spreading these lies about Joe when it's actually her own fucking fans🤦

Genuinely the only things Taylor has outright said (in her music or elsewhere) is that he was stressy-depressy, that she felt towards the end that he didn't understand her and she had to make herself smaller, and that she cheated on him. Everything else is stans making shit up and like don't these ppl have something better to do than create a fake fanfic character out of this guy who just exists and makes his little movies and does his charities? They don't even have to make this character up bc Matty Healy is right there and Taylor's rage is directed towards HIM not Joe😭💀 they either hate that Joe is actually a decent human being (and genuinely why do they care that much) or they're all just profoundly stupid and if that's the case I'm genuinely worried about that many ppl being so hopelessly stupid bc there's legit THOUSANDS of them wtf

this

☝🏼👌🏼

[spirituallyyellow]

30/5/24

I feel like all the feelings I've held inside for the last seven years are pouring out of me now. It feels almost uncontrollable, but also like a relief.

I haven't got long to write before I need to go to work, but I missed sitting and writing properly. I got the Finch app to try to help me do some of the basic self-care stuff I really struggle with, and journalling is down as an "every other day" task. I obviously haven't kept up with it while I've been sick, and I did it the other day but it was on my phone which I don't like doing as much. This is probably really extra of me, but I like the sound and sensation of my fingers flying over the keyboard.

I've been feeling the need to reread the Brontës recently. Jane Eyre, Villette, Tenant of Wildfell Hall, even Wuthering Heights. There is something about feeling shitty and curling up with a book centred on surviving on wild moorland that just feels right.

In some ways I'm feeling a lot better than I was a couple of months ago - in other ways, I'm not. I don't actively feel like I want to die anymore, most of the time, but I also can't say I'm finding a huge amount of pleasure in living. I mostly feel resigned.

One of the bigger contradictions I have in my head is that on the one hand, I feel like I have big "dies young" energy (although I guess I'm not that young anymore), but one of my deepest fears, and one that I always have a feeling is going to come true, is that I'm going to outlive everyone I love and be totally alone.

I think that if I weren't a Christian, I probably would have gotten myself into a really bad situation by now. I said to someone recently that if I weren't a Christian, I'd be the scummiest person you know, and when I say that to my non-Christian friends they're all like "nooooo, you're so lovely and kind etc etc" but when I say it to my Christian friends, they're more like, "yeah, you definitely would be" and it's both funny and sad to me.

I don't exactly regret not giving in to all my self-destructive urges (not just suicidal ones, but all the little ones), but it almost feels like obsessive-compulsion - every time something goes wrong, I immediately think of all the ways I could just self-destruct, far easier than I can think of any other options, and I'll think about it intensely, going over everything, almost like I'm imagining a relationship with a lover, a really toxic one. One that ends with me hurting and alone.

It really does feel inevitable. Either because I've ruined all my relationships or because everyone died before me, but it does feel like I'll come to the end of my life and I'll be totally alone and hurting, and nobody will come to my funeral because I never let anyone close enough to care.

It's insane how I can write this and literally two entries before I was like "so many people have reached out to help me because they care about me or something????" fucking hell man. I hate being in my head.

_

So I work mostly with survivors of sexual violence, and even though I have made an effort to move away from that - or at least to lessen it - they keep finding me. Clients I've taken specifically because I thought they were unlikely to bring a lot of trauma to the sessions have then, after about 4-5 sessions, unloaded just some of the shittiest trauma. And I know this sounds awful, but there's only so many stories about rape, incest, and sexual assault that I can hear in a week without just... something breaking in me, you know?

Anyway, in the last month, I've had four different clients unload numerous sexual assault stories and so we've been processing it together, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it adds up to me hearing about sexual assault every single day I've been at work throughout all of May, and I wish so much that I could go back to when I didn't quite understand how common it is. I remember when I was on placement at The Cursed Place, probably the only thing they rightly said was, "There are some things that once you know them, you cannot un-know them, and you should be prepared for that when you start working here," and that was so much more true than I understood at the time, and I thought I understood it really well.

Tonight I've got life drawing with J and I'm really looking forward to it. I've been really tired all week and really struggled to cope, to be honest, but I've tried to keep my mind focused on life drawing and I'm looking forward to it so much. I love the atmosphere there - the dim lights, big airy art studio, vibe-y chill music, and just staying focused on the present moment. It's just exactly what I want right now.

I wish I was a better Christian. I've felt like a really rubbish one lately, and I don't know if that's the Spirit giving me a nudge or if it's just my shitty, scummy, deceitful heart making things harder for me than they need to be.

[panfluidme]

Rant About Snape

So, I've fallen back into Harry Potter. I understand that JK Rowling is an awful person who does not deserve any form of respect. I am also trying really hard to separate the art from the artist. I do understand that the Harry Potter world is far from perfect and that there are many contradictions and holes and some of the things make zero sense, but I do find that the world is very easy to fall into

Now, with that out of the way. This rant is all about Severus Snape. If you like his character, ignore this and just don't interact with this post. I really don't want to argue with anyone about him, I just want to get my feelings towards him out there

Also, I'm currently rereading the books and just finished rewatching the movies, so I apologize if things aren't fully correct. My memory isn't the best and my brain sometimes mashes fanon/headcanons/fanfic with canon

Now, rant under the cut

Severus Snape is a god awful person who does not the deserve the fanbase that he has. Well I do think that him getting a redemption arc is interesting, I hate the way it's done. JK had a few different things she could've used with his character to make him a good person (which, honestly, he's not), but instead she went the "I was in love with your mother and she chose someone else" route

His "love" (I really wouldn't call it that, it's a massive obsession) for Lily is creepy. Yes, Snape was bullied, but he also was a bully in school and as a teacher. Lily told him that she didn't like that, and instead of doing what James had done (taken time to reflect and correct his behavior), Snape called her a slur and joined a group of people wanting to eliminate people like Lily. He was bitter that he was put into the friend zone (something that really only exists because men don't view women as people and get upset when a woman doesn't want to fuck or be in a relationship with him)

I don't like that in the movies (I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen in the books, but I could be wrong since it's been literal years since I last read the last HP book), Snape hugs onto her body and sobs while Harry's hurt and crying in the background. It isn't cute, it isn't romantic. It's weird and creepy and shows how little Snape cares for other people. Yes, I understand that he lost the person he loved the most, but it's still really fucked up to do that while her infant son is screaming and bleeding in the background

Snape is a petty man. He did care somewhat for Harry, but that was only because he's Lily's son, but overall, he was borderline abusive to Harry just because he was James' son. I am not saying that James is completely innocent in things, he was a bully to Snape, but Harry is not James. Harry didn't get a chance to know James

He completely disregards how uncomfortable and defensive Harry gets when Snape insults James to Harry's face. Yes, people should have told Harry about James' meaner side, but they mostly told him that James was a good person (because he was). Snape is challenging this belief and is shitting on James for no reason other than to be petty. I know deep down that Snape knows that James was a better person than he ever will be, and that's why Lily picked James over him. But there was no reason to be so rude to an abused boy who's going through hell and drag his dead father in the mud

Again, I don't remember if this happened in the books, but I hate when Snape is teaching Harry how to build his mental defenses. They're going through some good and important memories with people who are dead and Snape is over here like "getting sentimental are we, Potter?" and "I might vomit". Like, these memories are important to Harry, treasured memories with people he will literally never see again

Then when Draco cursed Hermione in the first book (I think) and made her teeth grow into large buck teeth, he looked at the crying girl and said "I see no difference". Yes, Hermione can be a know it all and very annoying (a whole nother rant, but I do love her), but there is no reason to tell a child who is already upset enough that there's no difference in her appearance. This led her to permanently change her teeth

Snape was Neville's biggest fear. Not Bellatrix, who literally tortured his parents into insanity and probably tortured him as well. Not his grandmother who seems to be a little abusive, not anything else. But one of his teachers. Someone who is supposed to be on his side and support him through school because learning is hard, especially for someone who's magically stunted like Neville is. Honestly. I wouldn't be surprised if Remus had reported this. What bugs me is that he wasn't immediately fired. If a child's biggest fear is one of their teachers, that teacher should not be allowed to teach

It bugs me that Snape gets so annoyed at Harry and Sirius for thinking life isn't fair. Both of these two had been abused. And before you say "Snape was abused too", I know this. But this bugs me because Snape is fine with Snape being mad at the world, fine with Snape holding onto grudges for decades. But Harry and Sirius aren't allowed to be mad for the exact same reason that he is? Like, that's such backwards bullshit

Then Snape outed Remus as a werewolf, which made him quit the job he so clearly loved. Yes, he made the potion that helped the transitions be easier, but there was no reason for him to out Remus like that. Remus already was struggling to get, and probably keep, a job because of a condition out of his control. This just goes back to Snape is a petty and whiney bitch (also doesn't help that he tried to nudge students to figuring this out when Remus couldn't teach and he taught them about werewolves)

He tells Sirius that he would love to see the Dementor's Kiss be performed on him, despite that he knows full well that Pettigrew was the traitor and not Sirius. This stems from him being petty and fucked up. Like, yeah, Sirius was a jerk to you, but does that really warrant wanting a front row ticket to watch him get his soul sucked out of him, a fate that's been stated to be worse than death??? I don't think so

Snape was abusive towards his students (clearly). He was willing to force feed Neville's pet toad a potion that he believed could kill it, doing so in front of the whole class. I do not care that he was abused (no one should be), but he kept that cycle going. It's disappointing that he was allowed to be a teacher with how he behaved

He made fun of Hermione for her Patronus being the same as Ron's, but then his Patronus was the same as Lily's. It can't be both ways. You can't make fun of a literal child for her Patronus being the same as the person she loves (not a fan of the Ronmione ship, but that's a whole different thing), then turn around and have a doe for a Patronus, which is the same one as the woman you "loved"

There's also the fact that he begged Dumbledore to keep Lily's family save, not caring at all about Harry or James, but wanting Lily to be fine. I firmly believe that he would've swooped in and tried to get her to marry him just days after James (and if Harry hadn't lived) and Harry's death. He does not take her feelings into account, and it's annoying

I know some of you are like "he was a spy". He only became a spy (if I'm remembering correctly) as soon as Lily's life was actually in danger. Before, he had no problems in the murder and genocide taking place because of a racist white man

Snape also created a spell that was meant to hurt the Marauders. And that spell is the same spell that lost George his ear (I can't remember is Snape was the person who actually cast that spell that took his ear, but he still created it)

He basically stole Draco's redemption arc. JK had put more focus into the creepy man's redemption than a child's. Draco, like Snape, was abused and reacted the way he did in situations because of that abuse. But, he also is shown to have a heart (something I don't think Snape has). He's shown to be scared and remorseful (i.e. the bird in the Vanishing Cabinet), while Snape's only regret is that he didn't get Lily. Draco was overshadowed by Snape, we didn't get to see how he would've grown so much if he had gotten love and care. I would've loved to see him get redeemed in the books, but Snape stole that spotlight

So, in conclusion, Snape is an abusive incel who is still bitter that he was "put into the friendzone" and wasn't picked over his bully, who was a better person that he was. This man should not be allowed to be a teacher. I struggle to find any redeeming qualities in him, and I wish I could

Genuinely, no hate to Snape Stans. He's a fascinating character, but he's also someone I just can't stand. This is all opinions and the reasons why I don't like him. Remember that I did not create this post to argue with anyone, but I am willing to have conversations as long as they don't turn into arguments. Just ask me anything if you have any questions or want to clear things up. Please don't go into my ask box or DMs to try to change my mind, because I am not changing my mind. This wasn't made to change anyone's mind, I respect that you have feelings one way towards Snape, these are just my feelings and thoughts

[bougiebutchbitch]

@izzyspussy enabling me as always 💕💕💕

Copy/pasting from my chat with this awesome friend because I must scream -

It's basically an expansion of my Trans!A-Train gets sussed by Deep and thinks Deep is pressuring him to have sex so he'll keep his secret, but Deep is actually misgendering him and flirting with him 'like he would with 'any other girl'' verse

like, it's a case where Deep is legit too stupid to mindbreak anyone

BUT HE COULD DO IT ACCIDENTALLY

BECAUSE A-TRAIN IS SO FAR IN HIS OWN HEAD DUE TO (RIGHTFUL) PARANOIA AND THINKING EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET HIM

especially if this is while he's secretly working for MM and Hughie, a la S4. meaning the Seven will literally kill him if they find out what he's up to...

I just want Deep trying to be a bully and a jerk but actually fully just. cracking A-Train's mind open and stomping on the goo inside, through the medium of forcefem

Deep's thought process is literally just: you humiliated me a whole bunch and I want revenge. Let's hatefuck about that for funsies

Meanwhile A-Train's thought process is basically playing a one-man game of 5D chess: you know I'm trans and you might out me, so I'm going to pretend to like you and let you fuck me and bitch at you like we're friends, but I will not fucking hesitate to kill you at the first opportunity. But the constant grating push of you obviously envisioning me as 'a woman' and making me out to be way more femme than I have ever wanted to be is eating my brain in a very unenjoyable way which is somehow perversely becoming enjoyable, and it makes me sick (you make me sick) but I'm weirdly getting off on this and I don't know what to do with that. What the fuck is happening

all of this culminates with A-Train dressing full 'girl' to get Deep into a false sense of horny security. Then strangling him while confusedly having far too many emotions about his relationship with femininity

(because I 100% see him as the sort of trans guy who FULLY divorced himself from anything remotely feminine in order to conform with the badass hypermasc sportsbro 'image' Vought wanted him to portray)

(to the point where he's kinda terrified of anything femme in relation to himself)

(but it was out of fear, not (fully) desire)

(and now he's kinda been forced to confront that maybe he DOESN'T fully hate everything to do with looking Pretty™️ but in the worst and most dehumanising way )

(And he's got Trauma on top of The Uzshe (trans trauma with being forced to conform to M/F stereotypes). He's haunted by his own vague taboo fascination with reclaiming femininity, as something that it feels like he was forced to abandon, in order to be taken seriously.)

(Like. Is it just the presumed 'wrongness' that appeals to him? Or is this something deeper? Should he be doubting everything he is, everything he's built himself up to be - both as an individual person and as a hypermasc celebrity in front of the world? Why the fuck does he not loathe what Deep did with everything he is? Why does he kinda miss him now he's dead, and feel like he can't even begin to explore his relationship with the awful shit Deep put him through, because no one is forcing his hand? Why does it feel like he's free, but simultaneously like he's locked himself back in a cage?)

(Can you tell this concept is chewing on me day and night)

...I'm also obsessed with the idea that throughout this story Deep actually went on a POSITIVE arc and Learned and Listened, and started to genuinely respect A-Train as a trans guy. But he's taken their messy relationship to the point where he'll say like 'hey only do this if you're comfortable babe x' and A-Train just thinks he's mocking him

because they both know A-Train doesn't want to be doing this and he's only doing it because Deep has blackmail material. Right?

(they do not, in fact, both know this. Deep's stupid ass is catching feelings)

And - there we have it. Fucked-up forcefem xxx

Not me detailing a forcefem fic idea to my friend that would get me cancelled off tumblr in a heartbeat lkdsfhglksdkgsdg

[hollow-dweller]

Diarmuid for the ask game!!

aw hell yeah time to talk about

~my son~

How I feel about this character:

i think my discord nickname speaks for itself, truly 😂 but more seriously, i am 100% of the time going bonkers batshit insane over the innate tragedy of Diarmuid’s story. Diarmuid stands alone at the end of this movie, stripped of everything he once held: his illusions, his family, his home, facing the daunting prospect of an uncertain future with no past to cling to, no roadmap to follow. that's an aching, haunting note to end a story on, and one that leaves us with so many paths to explore in imagining what might happen with him in the future. over the course of the movie we see what is unequivocally the worst few days of Diarmuid’s entire life, and then the movie denies us any closure. it's a challenge to us, the audience, to figure out for ourselves what themes and lessons we can walk away with, and therein i find an endless well of opportunity to explore different elements of grief and faith and coming of age through this character of Diarmuid. i don't like the term "blank slate", but to say that Diarmuid represents an archetype more than a fully-fleshed character wouldn't be wrong. but there's fertile ground there for further exploration, and i am happy to dig.

this isn't to say i don't have dumb as fuck, baseless headcanons for Diarmuid--i do! to an embarrassing degree, tbh. but when i think about this character and what it is i love about him so much, it's his journey--both what we get for him in canon, and what we might imagine could follow for him afterwards.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: obviously Diarmute is the big one, and the only ship i have for Diarmuid in earnest. i do enjoy the potential for an exploration of grief and trauma and fuck-awful coping mechanisms in a post-canon Raymuid scenario, but that's not so much a romance as it is a giant red flag.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: okay so hear me out--it's his relationship with Geraldus. i'm obsessed with their antagonism throughout the movie; Diarmuid’s wariness and fear of Geraldus, his struggle with Geraldus' authority over him, and his slow progression towards becoming more and more defiant, until he literally wrestles the power symbol away from Geraldus and drowns him with it. Geraldus' insistence on fear and obedience versus Diarmuid's faith and sense of duty, Geraldus' desperation and cowardice versus Diarmuid's conviction and bravery--i could go on forever someone stop me. i love a good narrative foil and these two are *chef's kiss*

My unpopular opinion about this character: i don't think of Diarmuid as an innately sweet or friendly character, at least not in the innocent "sunshine character" way that sometimes gets attributed to him. his canonical lack of familiarity with the world outside the monastery gets attributed sometimes to an inherent naivete, purity or goodness on Diarmuid's part. this fits in with the movie's depiction of Diarmuid becoming disillusioned with the reality of the world, and with his ability to handle the relic. but character-trait wise, personality-wise, i think Diarmuid is more complex than that. he's suspicious, he's defiant, he's protective. he stands up to Raymond and Geraldus on more than one occasion, he's wary of the riders at the beginning of the movie, he manipulates/threatens the Boatman into continuing their journey, and he spends more time wandering around with his jaw clenched than his eyes wide in child-like innocence. Diarmuid's innocence doesn't reflect an inherent childlike goodness that gets tarnished by the horrors of the world; it's the innocence of a young man, woefully unprepared for the realities of the world, coming to terms with the knowledge that has been kept from him and being angry about it. if there's any reason he can handle the relic when other's can't, i think it's more because of his strong faith, sense of duty, and courage of his convictions than an innate "moral" purity or goodness.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish we had seen more of his life at the monastery. for self-indulgent reasons ofc--more interaction with monk squad! more backstory! more diarmute!--but also because i think it would have given us more of a juxtaposition with the horror and tragedy that would occur over the course of the movie. we in fandom care deeply about all these characters due to literal years of aggressive headcanoning, but that's mostly extrapolation. the characters aren't really characters so much as they are archetypes, as i said above, which is fine for the purposes of the story they wanted to tell, but i am always a slut for character development. so. pilgrimage directors cut WHEN???

Favorite friendship for this character: the Mute probably, tbh. like obviously i ship them but friendship and romantic love are definitely not exclusive! the way they mirror one another--the Mute as this character who seems to have achieved some sort of peace after a life of struggle, at the beginning of the movie, and Diarmuid as this character whose peace is about to be ripped apart for the first time. throughout it all, their protectiveness and devotion to one another, and the way it carries them through all the way to the end--the Mute allowing himself to devolve back into violence for Diarmuid's sake as Diarmuid tries to lead the remaining survivors through to the end of the story. the perseverance of that love, whether you read it as romantic or platonic--IDK FRIEND I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS.

My crossover ship: soooooooooooo is this the part where i admit that i don't really like crossovers? i've read the odd one or two that i like but i can't really say i have a crossover ship, i'm afraid.

send me an ask with a fandom, character, and/or ship and i will ramble at length answer questions about them

[beansterpie]

For the bingo any or all of the following: Griffith, Charlotte, Jeeves, Lan Xichen, Father Mulcahy

aw thanks for the ask Moth <3, I did all of 'em!! which means this is kinda long so I'll put it under a cut

in order: Griffith

the only reason he didn't get a bingo w/ 'they're deeper than they seem' is because he's already a well written and pretty deliberately nuanced character in canon! but he gets a bingo in my heart :') undoubtedly one of my blorbos. I think his level of screen time (or page space, as it were) works well with the story, but I don't care, I wish there was mooorreee, I esp wish that there were scenes between him and Guts just hanging out during the three year time skip, but alas. I'm basically obsessed with Griffith, the only reason I'm not saying more here is becase then I'll never stop.

Charlotte:

Charlotte is kind of interesting to me, because if we're talking strictly about her in canon, then I don't actually have that much to say. she's fine; I like her because she's a bit of a sweet and naive reprieve from an arc otherwise filled with some angsty drama queens, and she has a narrative purpose that she fulfils, but she's not a very interesting or complicated character. I think more could have been done with her, but not in a way that's distracting, at least during the GA (post-eclipse has me feeling a bit stronger about the wasted potential tho). but in terms of headcanons and stuff I've made up about her for my own purposes, then I'm very fond of her and her hypothetical journey lol.

Jeeves:

this was kind of haarddd because while I like the Jeeves stories, I'm not deeply attached to Jeeves on his own, you know? he's a fun unit when he's concocting shenanigans with Bertie, but we don't ever really see him on his own since the entire series is from Bertie's pov (save for Bertie Changes His Mind ofc). I do wish Jeeves had more screen time especially in the later books, because while I like that their relationship becomes more equal as the series progresses, the story always ends up sending Jeeves away for whatever reason so that Bertie is forced to deal with The Plot on his own for a lot of it. that's pretty fun in it's own right too, but I just want more scenes of Bertie and Jeeves being chummy together lol. ALSO Jeeves definitely pulls some dick moves and fucks Bertie over particularly in earlier stories, which is the reason for the uncommitted 'wow! they are a horrible person' lol. Lan Xichen:

BINGO! haha I love Lan Xichen a lottt, especially the cql version, mainly because that's the adaptation I'm most familiar with (and ngl I am attracted to Liu Haikuan specifically as Lan Xichen lmao, he's just so beautiful god). I really like what a decent person he is, and how deliberately fair and understanding he tries to be, and how despite that-- or maybe because of it-- his story ends up being so tragic. I love his relationships with others, especially with JGY (though I also love his relationship with LWJ & like, the Lan Sect lmao), and how he quite literally goes through heartbreak and enters a deep depression after JGY's death-- like even though JGY's crimes and lies came to light, to me it always felt like what messed him up the most was that JGY had lied to him about it all, and his dismay at everything JGY did wars with his compassion for the things JGY had to deal with. Idk idk, Xiyao makes me crazy lol.

Father Mulcahy:

this one was hard too! Mulcahy is one of my favorite characters in MASH, but my feelings aren't intense enough for most of the bingo squares to like, fit... I just like him because he's nice! He tries his best despite not actually being a medical professional in an active warzone, and his eagerness to help is very endearing. I also like the contradiction of him having long moments of self doubt about his usefulness as a priest at a MASH unit vs his desire for the acknowledgement that he feels he deserves. I like the hints of his impoverished childhood where he was bullied, and got into boxing as a way to defend himself. And while we're at it, I love that he boxes and is probably the most athletic person at the MASH unit lmaooo. Something about a little nerdy priest who could probably punch your lights out but chooses not to, yannow? (also 'why do they look like that' is hearted because he often makes me think of like, bi girls that I went to college with aofiajeogifja)