#listing symptoms of which i have every single one plus more

[so-make-the-moon]

Discussion of frustrating medical things ahead

Spent 9 hours in the ER yesterday with chest pain after starting a new medication that can cause cardiac complications.

Heart is perfect, but the doctor was flabbergasted that I haven't had an upper endoscopy for 15 years even though I've had Crohn's (and therefore colonoscopies regularly), and symptoms of GERD for the entire time.

So because of that lack of medical care, I likely have permanent changes to my esophagus and stomach that require surgery to correct.

I've been with 3 gastroenterologists and 2 general practitioners in those 15 years, between them retiring, or moving, or me moving, etc. Not one of them has thought to actually look at my esophagus and stomach even though I've been coming to them multiple times a year, every year with symptoms that severely affect my quality of life.

It took me going to the ER for chest pain for someone to take me seriously. The chest pain is esophageal spasms most likely, and I've had them for years until I started a medication for acid reflux 2 years ago, but it started again after starting this new medication and I was concerned it was different.

I KNEW all of this was related, is the frustrating part. It's almost definitely caused by the permanent changes in my small intestine from Crohn's that could also be corrected with surgery, but because I'm "young and otherwise healthy" they've pushed surgery off for years. I literally had a consultation with a surgeon 10 years ago!

Not one doctor has taken my concerns about my quality of life seriously and I'm so frustrated. These doctors have always otherwise been great, and generally very helpful, but somehow this has fallen through the cracks.

I mean it's literally 4:43am and I've been awake for hours with chest pain and nausea. I can't eat, can't sleep. I've missed an excessive amount of work to the point that I'm actually shocked I haven't been fired.

Anyway rant over. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I want this surgery so I can go about my life like a normal person

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Boys Prelims - Propaganda Division - Group 6

Propaganda:

Kiriwo -

"Seems innocent at first and he's just a guy with a special interest in magic items, but watch out."

Arjuna -

"MASKING KING!!!!!! ok joke aside one of his biggest things is that he's super scared that if anyone gets too close to him they'll notice he's not perfect/has a 'secret darkness' (that's literally just a guy) and overall a lot of his storyline is a strong parallel for being neurodivergent and becoming more comfortable with accepting it. he's also super strict and hard on himself for any sort of failure that isn't in line with what's socially appropriate but at the same time he doesn't always have a good grasp on what that is which is how you get stuff like him blowing up a forest to try and impress someone. it also runs in his family bc his brother is autistic as hell too."

Sherlock -

"God, where do I start? I mean what Holmes adaptation, even if he's not the main character, would this be if he were not autistic coded? And our combo of autism and ADHD is absolute perfection, all tied up with a pretty, excitable face. Hit him with the crime hyperfixation and do not make him wear socks."

Apollo -

"Not canonically autistic but he has ZERO volume control plus he scripts/repeats stuff (“I’M FINE!!!”), sometimes mimics other people’s speech patterns (like replying “ja” to Klavier), sensitive to loud noises (stayed backstage at a concert cuz it was too loud) and bright lights (complained about the stage lights being too bright at the same concert + screamed when opening the hatch to the bright stage at magic show), and has been really into space since he was a kid, which could definitely be a hyperfixation (not to mention how he read every single one of Phoenix’s old case files back when he admired him). Plus he’s a little TOO normal, to the point where it circles back around to making him the odd one out, which is absolutely what masking feels like for me. Even when he tries to be fun and weird he gets strange looks/made fun of for not being weird in the right way. The list of autism symptoms is just a checklist for him at this point."

Heiji -

"90% of the cast in detective conan is autistic but heiji is the most autistic of them all."

Urara -

"Another alien who is so excited to dance with everyone that he does not understand that his intended purpose of inviting people to dance via water communication is brainwashing them into dancing and is causing extreme chaos. He nearly causes an apocalypse by being so excited about dancing but he apologizes and tries to make friends with Yuki at the end of the story. He is extremely soft spoken and try, finding it difficult to begin conversations and fidgeting."

Shu -

"speaking specifically about the first season but he was the "explains everything so the audience knows whats happening" guy. he was pretty antisocial (not sure if thats just how he was or if he lived alone [which was fucked up cause he was 11]) . im trying to think of more but my brain goes hghghhhggggh im just a big fan of him."

Vash -

"ain’t no way i’m the only one who’s submitted him. go look at the gif of him crawling in the dirt like a bug while he dodges bullets and get back to me."

Hyakkimaru -

"Due to a terrible curse he has lived his whole life without several body parts including his eyes and ears. Because of this he is often overstimulated and awkward in new situations (when he doesn't do what he does best, killing monsters and samurai with his sword arms) He can't say or express much, and often comes off as strange and creepy, but he is actually a cutie patootie full of emotions, has a big heart, a keen brain, endless inner strength and loves the people close to him! This adorable, cursed, demon slaying boy deserves everything!"

Kei -

"He has the tbh face. Also he canonically has sensory issues and gets sensory overload. He constantly wears earbuds. He has an extremely rigid sense of morality and considers himself a savior figure. He has a hard time relating to other people and is a bit awkward in his interactions."

[tightwadspoonies]

How to Get a Doctor to Listen To You (and maintain the relationship you have with that doctor, cause you're gonna need that later)

First, I'll preface this by saying: The system sucks. There is no perfect way to access medical care, at least not in the USA. You've almost always got to play the system at least a little to get what you need.

Should it be this way? No. But it is. So here's how to play the game in order to get the most out of a visit to the doctor (there are very different steps to getting what you need out of a hospital stay, but that's a different post):

So First, Let's Assume You Have a Primary Care Doctor That isn't an Urgent Care or the Emergency Department (if you don't, look below the cut first for some tips on getting one, then come back up here)

First, make a list of your problems, then go at the pace of one problem per appointment. Yes I know this sucks. But please read on.

Reasoning:

Appointments are set up in 15-minute slots, but docs typically are timed to about 5-8 minutes spent in a room with a patient on average (the rest of the time is prep and charting and referring and checking in with other doctors to get advice). This is imposed by the hospital or clinic they are working for- not something they choose. If a doctor took as much time as they needed with each patient they would probably get fired. That means every minute beyond that 5 minutes is a minute being "taken" from another patient (isn't capitalism wonderful?!). And 5 minutes is about enough time to evaluate 1 single medical problem.

So when you're setting these up understand that it is way easier and faster to make a bunch of appointments all at once than making them one at a time (hence the making a list of your problems). You might be able to get one slot per week (after a new patient appointment, which will probably take a long time to schedule, see below the cut), each scheduled for a different problem. Keep in mind though, if you make multiple appointments, no-shows are not taken-to kindly. Too many and the rest of your appointments will be cancelled. If you know you can't make it, call ahead.

So what if you need seen right now for a specific symptom? Go to an urgent care or the emergency department. They are almost never going to be able to solve the problem, but a toradol shot for a migraine now is better than waiting six weeks for a sumatriptan prescription. Plus, an emergency department visit or two where they did something for you establishes a history in the record of your problem.

Does this suck? Absolutely. Is multiple appointments always practical for work/school/transportation/copay reasons? Nope. But that's the system, and unfortunately, if you go into an appointment with 6 problems, as you have probably experienced, you're either going to be asked to narrow it down to what is the most important to you anyway, or you're going to get exactly zero useful things out of that appointment.

Next, be upfront, and do it LONG before the doctor walks into the room.

When you schedule an appointment, they will ask you why you are coming. If you want to be evaluated for Ehlos Danlos, for example, say exactly that. "I want to be evaluated for ___________".

Reasoning:

No one can hold everything in their heads for their entire careers, and doctors use that little blurb of why you are coming to look stuff up before you get there.

If you spring something on them that isn't something they see every day, they will be falling back on a very small amount of information they got a long time ago. If you don't fit that tiny piece of information they have saved on that specific disease, you're probably not going to get a diagnosis.

In contrast, if they come in knowing what they will need to evaluate, they will be able to look up or ask how to do the evaluation beforehand and the evaluation for things like the thing you want evaluated. You're much more likely to get a diagnosis if they're doing the right test and asking the right questions.

Also, say you are looking for a diagnosis if that's what you want, and say why. Say something like "If I come up positive for MCAS, could you tell me? I want to try some treatments and accommodations for it that I can only get through a diagnosis."

Reasoning:

I spent 6 years in therapy before my counselor admitted to me that she thought I had had depression the entire time. Why? Because before Obamacare, having a diagnosis of anything more than the flu one time could leave you un-health-insurable for life. Plus even just a generation ago being sick in any way was something socially unacceptable.

It's still like that, but it's changing.

There's still fear about this in the medical world. Putting a diagnosis on paper that the doctor technically didn't have to used to run some pretty serious risks. Pre- HIPAA (1996) those risks extended to your job and social life too (patient privacy was actually not actually a law back then). Even today, certain health conditions (including things like gender dysphoria or schizophrenia) may be looked at unfavorably in some areas if you're trying to do something like adopt.

So be open about the fact that you want to know, and if necessary, why that information is important to you.

Finally, come up "normal" on screening questions. At the beginning of the appointment, the person who rooms you will ask you a set list of questions. These are called "screening questions" and they include things like "do you feel safe at home?" and "does transportation keep you from getting to appointments or getting medications?"

Reasoning:

Unfortunately, if they find anything they need to talk about when asking these questions, they generally have to address these problems at the appointment, which means time they cannot spend on the problem you're there for.

If youdon't feel like lying and think you might have come up "positive" (something needs to be talked about), you have to be extremely clear that you would prefer to make another appointment to discuss the screening test, and today stay focused on the problem you came in for. It depends on the doctor as to whether they are willing to take that risk (and it genuinely is a risk, to them), and you also end up eating up some time.

My wife's opinion is that you know yourself better than a screening test anyway, and sometimes you do have to lie to get what you need.

So, you know, you do what's best for you.

Keep Reading:

Choosing a Doctor:

When you are first starting out looking for a doctor, you will probably have the choice between family practice (either a family practice doctor or family practice nurse practitioner) or internal medicine (your standard adult primary practitioner). Having worked in family practice I may be biased, but personally of the two, if you're looking for someone who is most likely to listen off the bat, it's going to be someone in family practice.

You may also have the option between a private practice and a residency. Of the two, I would choose the residency, because at a residency the docs you see are going to be residents who, 1- just finished up learning about all the zebras and can still remember them, and 2- are not yet jaded. Which if you think you have anything that isn't the most straightforward case of diabetes/heart disease/COPD, that's what you need.

The First Appointment:

So here's the thing. In order to get in with a doctor, you have to do something called a "New Patient Appointment", or NPA. An NPA takes a long time to get (sometimes months) but it is worth it to get a primary care doctor. An NPA is a little longer (usually about an hour or two) and most of that is going to be screenings with a nurse or medical assistant.

Understand that very little will happen at this appointment. It is just for you and the doctor to get to know each other (through a pre-programmed set of questions) and get some background info on you. Sometimes there will be time to address one thing. Use the checkout from this appointment to make more appointments that will fix things.

[lilareviewsbooks]

Queer Normal-World in SFF Books

Here are five books where being queer is the norm, aka there is no homophobia or transphobia at all! Not all these books are fluffy though -- most of them have heavy conflicts and a bunch of shit going down, but at least no one has a problem with anyone being gay!

These are my favorite kind of books and I have so, so many recommendations, so let me know if you ever want more of these :) And I can also absolutely do only fluffy queer books, too!

The Genesis of Misery, by Neon Yang

Mx. Yang's books are perfect for this type of prompt. The Genesis of Misery is their most recent, and the premise is absolutely killer. It follows Misery Nomaki (she/they), who is haunted by an apparition of an angel. While she is convinced she is mentally ill like her mother, and that her visions are a symptom, people around her seem more and more certain that she is actually some sort of messiah. 

I have my issues with The Genesis of Misery, but it’s a very creative sci-fi that’s worth the read. It includes mecha, interesting depictions of religion, which permeates the entire story, and, of course, excellent queer rep. We have characters who use neo-pronouns, a polyamory situationship and most characters are queer. Not to mention, it’s written by a queer and non-binary author, which is always a plus. It’s part of an on-going series, though, so be prepared to wait a little while for the sequel! 

Plus, The Locked Tomb fans might be interested to know that there’s a very cavalier-necromancer dynamic in this, and that Rebecca Roanhorse (who wrote Black Sun) described it as Joan of Arc meets Gideon The Ninth. 

Yep. You wanna read it, don’t you?

(Also, if for some reason you’re like: “gee, I really wish there was a black-and-white silent movie with a killer score that touched on these same themes”, then you should probably watch The Passion of Joan of Arc (Carl Theodor Dreyer, 1928). It’s not explicitly gay, but it is queer in my heart. And it rocks.)

The Locked Tomb Series, starting with Gideon The Ninth, by Tasmyn Muir

Since I mentioned it, I guess I might as well include The Locked Tomb in here! This is a Tumblr favorite, and with good reason, because The Locked Tomb fucking rocks. It’s hard to pitch it to someone without ruining the whole point of the series, but the first book follows a necromancer, Harrowhark and her sworn swords-woman, her cavalier, the butch-as-hell Gideon, as they’re summoned to the First House to compete to become Lyctors, the companions of God. 

Yeah, I know that’s a lot, and, to be honest, it’s probably not gonna make much sense to you at many points throughout the story, but that’s the point of The Locked Tomb - everything is confusing, and it’s about sapphics in space! 

The thing about this series is they’re the most unique books you’ll ever read. Every volume has a different approach to telling its story. There’s so many mysteries and it’s almost impossible to understand all the intricacies without sitting down and doing some work. The magic system is also the wonkiest, coolest thing - it involves eating people, sometimes, y’know. And, I promise, you’ll love every single second of it. Especially because there’s absolutely no homophobia or transphobia in any of it, and almost every character is queer as fuck - especially after the second book, when gender starts getting a little funky!

Winter’s Orbit, by Everina Maxwell

I love this book so much, and so know that it comes highly, highly recommended! I have a whole five star review on it you can check out here. (Do check trigger warnings, though! You should always, but especially for this one. I didn’t and they really got me!). 

Winter’s Orbit features my absolutely favorite trope - queer arranged marriage. (Nothing better - those three words and you know it’s gonna be a queer normal world, have some politics and probably be really fucking sweet.) This one is probably one of only ones out of this list where the romance is very predominant and serves as an important B plot. It’s also a standalone, but has a companion book in the same universe, called Ocean’s Echo, which rocks, too!

This one follows Jainan, a recent widower who is rushed into an arranged marriage with Prince Kiem in order to keep the alliance between their homelands intact. Together, they must navigate court intrigue I’m trying my best not to spoil and investigate Jainan’s ex-husband’s death, which might not have been an accident, after all...

In this sci-fi fantasy world, being queer is completely normal, and their system when it comes to gender is absolutely fascinating. People will wear little gender signifiers, like a wodden token for female, for instance, so that others know how to refer to them. It’s super cool to see these kind of things incorporated into the world-building, and it’s something you really only get when queer authors are behind the helm.

(Also, this was originally written online, and it was actually picked up and traditionally published! Which is so cool! Queer fics becoming traditionally published books is so rare, it’s so nice to see it actually happen!)

The Teixcalaan Series, starting with A Memory Called Empire, by Arkady Martine

This is another one of my favorites! I read it last year and it blew me away - so much so that I’ve been itching to re-read it ever since I finished the second book.

The Teixcalaan Series is a political sci-fi duology focusing on the themes of language, empire and cultural domination through imperialism. It’s amazing, and I wrote about it in a full-length review, here, if you wanna take a look! 

It follows Mahit Dzamare, from the tiny Lsel Station, who becomes the ambassador to the huge Teixcalaan Empire, whose culture she’s been in love with for ages. The problem? Something happened to the Lsel ambassador, and the Empire’s control over the Station has been growing ever bigger. To make matters worse, Mahit’s imago machine - the cerebral implant full of her predecessors memories and experiences - doesn’t seem to be working properly, leaving her with a ghost of her predecessor inside of her head...

With all the problems the Teixcalaan Empire has, it’s not homophobic or transphobic, which is a plus for us gays who want to read in peace. Mahit has a charged relationship with her cultural liason, Three Seagrass (yes, that’s her name; yes, there’s an in-world explanation; no, I won’t tell you what it is, you’ll have to read it and find out), not to mention all the hijinks she finds out her predecessor was up to. And none of it needs to be justified or explained at all - people are just gay, and that’s fine!

On A Sunbeam, by Tillie Walden

This graphic novel has a stunning art style, and, listen closely sapphics, absolutely no men at all. Yep. Literally there’s only women and non-binary people in this comic! 

And guess what? It’s available to read for free, here. Thank you, Ms. Walden!

Here, romance is also an important plot point. On A Sunbeam follows Mia, who starts working for a crew of repair-people who rebuild broken down structures. In another timeline, we flashback to her experiences at her boarding school, and to her relationship with a new student.

What’s most unique about On A Sunbeam - apart from the fact that there are no men at all - is it’s unique version of outer space. It’s almost historical, with huge sprawling marble structures decaying, surronded by trees. The ships are shaped like huge fish. You can feel the whimsy in your bones from the colors and the art style that Ms. Walden uses, here.

This standalone is definitely worth a read. And if you like it, you should definitely check out the rest of Ms. Walden’s work - it’s all as beautiful as this is, if not more. Her The End of Summer was one of my favorite reads, last year.

That’s all I’ve got, guys, but lemme know if you want more of these - I have so many, I can definitely recommend you more! Drop me an ask if you have specifications, too - I’m always happy to do some digging :)

[vtforpedro]

update- TWs in tags

Thank you all very much for your replies to my last post. I’ve had zero energy this past week and yesterday was a very hard day. Got my decision in the mail and wow, they sure are long. It’s not good, folks!!! Not good at all. This guy is an SSA shill and I’m flabbergasted. Hopefully my attorney gets back to me next week asap because not only do I have grounds for an appeal, I believe I’ve been denied my rights by law. Some highlights from his decision. They’re very painful to read and my case manager way back in November of 2021 said that they love to tell people they’re disabled but here’s why you can work. Basically what this dude did but I’m seriously confused and angry. I think it also speaks to the type of person and biases he has. -I meet the disability insurance thing, as in he considers my record to start back in October 2015, which is how my attorney laid it out. And it’s true because that’s the last time I was able to work. -I am severely limited and cannot perform the work I once did. The work I once did was, uh, retail/customer service, and a ‘stay at home’ job if you will by being a caregiver to a veteran (my ex). -My disabilities as the SSA listed them: chiari malformation, leukemia, major depressive disorder recurrent, severe, PTSD w/dissociative affects, headache, s1 radiculopathy (nerve damage), and idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH, my number one enemy) -Chiari and leukemia aren’t considered disabilities, which I knew they wouldn’t be. I’m in remission and people often work with debilitating cancers even tho they should absolutely not have to. Let’s begin with what he got wrong lol -He dates that I got an EMG done in March of 2022 before the lumbar puncture. I did not get an EMG until September of 2022. The LP was in April of 2022. -Nerve damage. I have zero evidence of nerve damage in my medical record, according to him. Zero. I do not have a single symptom to suggest nerve damage and I need at least one from both ‘categories’ the SSA lists. But I have none. I was bedbound for eight months because of nerve damage. I had noted swelling (with pictures) of my paraspinal muscles which might have contributed. I had an EMG because of nerve pain. My dr ordered an EMG because of nerve pain. Shooting pain down my leg and numbness/tingling. Also the severe pain in my lower back causing me to not be able to sit up or walk without excruciating pain 💀 I was referred by my neuro to a pain specialist who really wanted to do steroid shots in my lumbar region FOR NERVE PAIN. I was in physical therapy for months to relearn how to like walk and sit up but also for NERVE PAIN. Legit have no words. It’s noted in my neuro’s and his PA’s file about the radiculopathy explaining what happened to me finally. Hhhhhh. -MDD/PTSD/suicidal ideation. I have extensive medical records going back to 2015--NPs, therapists, my psychiatrist, and the neuro psych eval I had in Sept of 2021 + more since. The eval is one of my most important medical documents. He said the medical evidence did not support major depression/anxiety/PTSD for 2+ years with no improvement, which is not factual. My medical records from my NP in 2015-2017 show how many medications I was on that did not work. How long I was in therapy because it did not work. My current psychiatrist is on my side and tells me every time I see him that I’ve been on everything and we’re limited lol I believe this summer I will be with him for two years alone. The judge notes I have no medical evidence of panic attacks despite them being listed in my medical record. At most of these places. Again. Plus the ER at the very beginning discuss panic attacks. This man read my neuro psych eval where she diagnosed me with those MH disorders (beyond already being diagnosed elsewhere). This is an intimately personal document because it details a SA that occurred in 2012 plus the abuse my ex put me through for 2yrs, which made me unable to work starting in 2015. She noted high concern for my well being as my suicidal ideation is, uh, high lmao and the effects of PTSD from multiple traumatic things. He said there is no evidence in my medical record beyond a depressive and anxious mood which do not fit the bill for MH disabilities. He completely ignored the neuro psych eval (and everything else) so I think that speaks volumes of the type of person he is. -IIH. This is where I get very angry. He lists it as something I was diagnosed with and it was in consideration, yet he completely fails to consider it. He considered ‘headaches’. Not IIH, not multi-feature chronic migraines that are well documented, not the recommended brain shunt by my neurosurgeon if pressure was high, which it was. He is, by SSA law, supposed to argue for/against the conditions listed. He didn’t. -Allegations. He says that the “allegations” I have made don’t completely match my medical records by, like, existing or severity. Except the things that he says I alleged but are not supported are because of IIH. Which he had plenty of medical evidence of + the burden of deciding I meet criteria for disability is on the SSA at this point. He has to by law complete my medical record himself once it goes to him (almost a year ago) so he has the entire picture to make an accurate and fair judgment. He says I allege symptoms not endorsed by medical record but they are symptoms of IIH lmao -He implies I lied (”allegations”). He said that in my records it has been noted I stopped driving once all this happened (dec 2019) and have not driven since. It is noted *everywhere*. But he says that I indicated I drove one (1) time in December 2021. Obviously, this is not true and I have no idea where he got this from. My mom was pissed because she has driven me everywhere for 3+ yrs lmao I have a feeling someone misheard me say dec 2019 for dec 2021, so the judge thinks this makes me a liar. He completely ignored the vocational expert’s testimony in the opposite way I have read happens--narrowing me down to 1 job, then 0, but deciding himself I could perform jobs like ‘mail clerk, router, or marker’ whatever the fuck those last two are. A dr who reviewed my case (I didn’t even know they did lkafaja) said I could only have occasional interactions with people. The judge said that he felt that was not true and increased it to frequent. I don’t trust people. At all. I never want to make friends irl again because it feels way too fucking vulnerable. This is in my medical records. Anyway. I truly believe I have grounds for an appeal b/c of mistakes he made and I hope my attorney agrees with that. The judge is not supposed to fuck up dates or ignore medical evidence entirely in his judgment. BY LAW. Angry, hurt, tired. Why does this keep happening to me lol why can one thing not go right but instead everything always gets worse. I feel like I try to put good out into the world when I can but it spits on me in return. I want to give up.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

I managed to stubble upon your blog and was going through it. You and I seem to hold a lot of similar viewpoints on LGBT+ stuff, but I was wondering your specific thoughts on both the Pansexual/Asexual Label. (As in do you believe in nuanced grey areas in Asexuality, for example like Demisexual as a label. Where there's no sexual attraction without a prior romantic relationship. And with the Pansexual label, which is one I prefer to use as an umbrella term under Bisexual mostly because I find it fits my own personal experiences better than the term Bisexuality does.)

I'm also curious about your thoughts on transgender people who don't experience gender dysphoria, but rather only experience gender euphoria when they transition. Mostly I'm curious if you consider yourself a transmedalist? And if so your thoughts on nonbinary individuals?

Here's a link to my FAQ with all those exact questions answered.

But as a quick (not so quick lol) summary:

-Demi isn't a sexuality. It's a description of how you experience attraction and your boundaries within a relationship. It's actually really normal to need time before you start feeling attraction to someone or ready to date, kiss, etc etc. If you really need a term to explain HOW you experience your attraction, don't act like it's a stand alone sexuality.

-the split attraction model has lots of problems. There's links in my FAQ. It's too many to list here. I don't like it.

-asexuality just means you aren't attracted to anyone. It's not good for labels to overlap as it leads to confusing and they start invalidating each other. Same train of thought for pansexual. It's invalidating and by most of it's definitions pretty shitty.

-bisexuality means you're attracted to everyone. That's it. Every definition of pansexual either treats trans people as a third gender, acts like gay, lesbian, and straight people only care about the act of sex, is literally just the definition of bisexual, or is just describing how they experience their attraction versus what the attraction actually is. More on that in the FAQ.

-gender euphoria is a symptom of general dysphoria. Many trans people first experience general euphoria because they are unaware of their dysphoria. If you've never worn glasses you might assume everyone has a hard time seeing details in trees and bricks. It's a normal experience. You don't know any other way of feeling or viewing the world. But once you have glasses you find a whole new world. When you experience euphoria it's like discovering a new side of yourself. It's like putting on glasses. You've always had bad vision, you just didn't realize it till you had glasses. You've always had gender dysphoria, you just didn't realize it until you experience a more obvious symptom such as euphoria. My dysphoria never specifically made me super depressed or suicidal (paired with other shit I had going on maybe. But not it alone). It's not some big bad thing to make you hate yourself. It's just the symptom of having the wrong gender. And how you experience it will be different for everyone.

-I do believe you need general dysphoria to be trans. You don't necessarily need to transition or come out as that's a personal choice that only the individual can make.

-i really desperately WANT to get along with the idea of nonbinary. But every single definition of it is always so sexist or transphobic it's really hard. I love the idea, but not the execution. More on that in the FAQ.

-as for your other ask, I don't care what you do. If you block me or respond is all up to you. I don't stop anyone from interacting unless their being obviously hateful or threatening in some way. I can't stop anyone from interacting anyways. Plus who knows, I might just chance someone else's mind (or they might mine). Either way, hope that helps. No hard feelings on what ever you decide. Good luck 🤞

[perplexingluciddreams]

ooh question🤚

what exactly does “chronic fatigue syndrome” mean? the name says obvious, but assuming it’s much more than just that (no pressure it is a big question) since chronic fatigue applies to several chronic illnesses, but they have their own names

Yes have used google, but it’d be nice to hear from someone who has it vs a documented list of medical symptoms stuff that’s hard to understand 😅

-🍋

I hate the name “chronic fatigue syndrome”. It is so unsuited for this debilitating illness. Chronic fatigue is one symptom of the whole illness. The “proper” name (and the name I prefer) is Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or ME. Both names are often used - like “ME/CFS” or “CFS/ME”. ME and CFS used to be believed to be separate illnesses, but they are the same thing. There’s just such a wide range of symptoms and possible experiences that it can seem completely different from one patient to the next.

Definitions: the word myalgic is used for muscle pain and/or tenderness. My is a shortened form of myo, which means muscle. Algic is the adjective form of algia, which means pain.

The word encephalomyelitis means inflammation of the central nervous system, which is made up of the brain and the nerves of the spinal cord. Encephalo refers to the brain. Myel means spinal cord and medulla oblongata (the brain stem). Itis means inflammation.

For general education and information I would recommend the Instagram account “@ m.e_and_more”. They have a lot of great infographics.

If you’re asking about personal experiences that’s more difficult for me to answer. My health has changed a lot over time and the symptoms I experience can also be dramatically different from one day to the next.

It would be impossible for me to cover every single thing (although I do want to try and write a post about the timeline of the decline of my health at some point). I also don’t have scripts for this situation (scripts + hyperlexia are the only reason I’m able to write so fluently on tumblr - plus I do a lot of editing and re-wording to make it flow more). My main coping mechanism for all of this is constant distractions and trying to disconnect from my body so I don’t have to feel the pain/fatigue SO much. Therefore I’m often not thinking of this illness which means I don’t have scripts readily available.

I usually do like to educate people as much as possible but in this circumstance I think it’s best to just try and find as many people with ME/CFS on social media and read about the wide range of experiences. This is a really broad question to answer and I’m not sure what else to say here.

I have heard about a good documentary called “Unrest”. I haven’t watched it but I’ve heard it’s quite good so you might want to watch it 🤷🏻‍♂️.

I hope this answer is adequate. And nice to hear from you again 🍋 :)

[tj-crochets]

About your tags, but have you ever been tested for Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia(I think I might have asked you this before)? non-classic-CAH can be hard to diagnose and can misdiagnosed as both PCOS (which happened with me) and Addisons disease.

I don't know if I've ever been specifically tested for it, but I'm only now starting to test low on cortisol, and even then it's not low enough for the good medication*. I'm not super well-read on CAH, but from what I understand, I don't have most of the signs? I didn't have early puberty, I am short but did not grow rapidly at any point (and don't have a few other symptoms that are a maybe a little TMI to list here), and for classical CAH I didn't have these symptoms as a little kid. Got sidetracked talking about corticosteroids and mineralocorticoids below the read more. If you read it, please keep in mind I am not a medical professional. Please take what I say with a grain of salt (pun not intended but appreciated)

*you probably already know this nonny, but for everybody else: taking long-term corticosteroids can cause some pretty bad side effects. From what I understand, taking them as hormone replacement therapy is much less likely to cause those side effects, but your cortisol (or whichever hormone they are replacing) needs to be low enough for it to be more helpful than harmful. I know from experience (thanks to severe allergies) that corticosteroids fix like every single one of my health problems, but my cortisol levels do not test low enough yet for the docs to be willing to prescribe them to me. That said, a different doc said the same thing about prescribing me fludrocortisone (a mineralocorticoid I take that I *think* is like replacement aldosterone**) a few years ago, and then eventually a nephrologist (which was weird) prescribed it and I have had pretty much zero side effects in three years. I do get withdrawal symptoms when I've had to stop taking them a few times, but I've always gotten withdrawal symptoms for even very short course steroids. I have to up my dose when I get vaccines, but my daily dose is so low (0.05mg) I can take up to four times my usual dose as needed (with my doctor's approval) **this is my "salt levels go up" medicine. It tells my body to retain salt (and dump potassium). For me, this brings me up to closer to normal blood pressure and means I don't have to be constantly taking salt pills. For people without my combo of health issues, it runs a risk of raising blood pressure too high, raising salt levels too high***, or lowering potassium levels too much

***even WITH salt levels go up medicine, my recommended daily intake of salt is either (according to the cardiologist) "10,000mg sodium from salt pills, plus whatever is in my food", or (according to my primary care doctor) a long laugh, and a "you aren't capable of eating too much salt. Eat as much salt as you want. Pickle yourself!" (more laughter). I am sodium georg.

[fruitgoat]

OF COURSE my oldest brother (the one in Chicago) is also now confined to his bed with a cold and a "positive attitude." Apparently Covid is the cool new family trend. The rest of us are so far all refusing to jump on that particular bandwagon.

The best news is that my Mom still doesn't have symptoms (aside from the ones that she normally has every single day). We've honestly lived in fear since December of 2019 (we were very early adopters of panic) because 92% of my Mom's immune-compromised status is respiratory. Severe asthma and severe allergies and what was essentially 18 months of walking pneumonia (which unfortunately started about six months after she could actually walk again after knee replacement surgery). We've all been so extra cautious for so long because we all knew, if Mom got Covid she wasn't going to survive. (Knowing this, my parents deliberately clustered most of their - exceedingly safe - social activities for over two years, just so that no one person could ever prove it was them.) But apparently a fourth shot about a month ago has saved her. Thank you to everyone who Did The Science. I may complain about her all the time, but I love my mom dearly and am really not ready to lose her. (who else would I complain about?) We weren't planning anything anyway, but since none of us can do more than call her for Mother's Day, my siblings and I are now compiling a list of movies/series that Mom Will Enjoy But Dad Will Sleep Through. I'll probably go out and get her a small puzzle as well (plus a plant, we always Get Mom A Plant).

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Hanspur, the Water Rat (and Ashkaelae)

Chaotic Neutral God of Rivers, River Travel, and Smugglers

Domains: Chaos, Death, Travel, Water Subdomains: Exploration, Murder, Rivers, Trade

Inner Sea Faiths, pg. 58~63

Obedience: With the assistance of another priest of Hanspur or by yourself, simulate the act of drowning. You can do this by fully submerging yourself in a body of water, exhaling all of your breath, and painfully inhaling water instead of air. Alternatively, you can lie on your back with your head at a lower elevation than your legs while water is slowly poured on your face and up your nose. If you choose the latter method, you must cover your face with a cloth while the water is poured. When you conclude this simulated drowning, contemplate your life and how your goals coincide with the teachings of Hanspur and the Six River Freedoms. Benefit: You gain a +4 sacred or profane bonus on Survival checks attempted while on or near rivers.

Just reading this makes my sinuses burn and my lungs itch, and not just because it’s springtime and I have allergies! As anyone who’s ever been in a body of water large enough to slap their face with a wave can attest to, inhaling large amounts of water sucks. While this Obedience requires only one wet breath, some... well, some pretty severe complications can arise from it, if your DM ponders even slightly what doing this to yourself every day would do. Dry drowning and secondary drowning are both real dangers from brief immersion, let alone concentrated efforts at simulating one of the worst fates someone can experience (I say this a lot but basically anything that deprives you of air is pretty terrible). The ‘simulation’ will likely only last a few seconds while the rest of the hour is spent recovering from your experience and meditating, but even that may not be enough to offset the fluid likely building up in your lungs. Priests of Hanspur must sound atrocious, coughing themselves ragged every day! No wonder it’s recommended your ritual is overseen by another priest, either, because they’d likely be skilled in helping you manage your symptoms.

Dangers of daily drownings aside, keeping up with the demands of this ritual is pretty easy so long as you’re somewhere with easy access to water. In Hanspur’s homelands, the River Kingdoms, this is pathetically simple! Everywhere else? It’s a lot harder! While I do appreciate that there’s a secondary ritual you can do if total immersion is impossible, but what happens if you’re stuck somewhere with no easy water access? Your waterskins won’t carry you for very long, even if you pilfer them from your party as well. Better invest in a Decanter of Endless Water! Or do something ridiculous like fill the party’s Bag of Holding up so you can just hop in and out whenever you need to.

That benefit is also the weakest I’ve seen in a long time, granting a bonus to only a single skill type and only while near rivers. Survival checks aren’t even all that commonly made, unless your DM is kind enough to let you use Survival to navigate with river rafts rather than Profession or Ride checks. Hanspur really doesn’t want his faithful straying too far from the River Kingdoms, which is only further exacerbated by how his Boons work, so if you’re not the type to linger near rivers you may just want to skip him entirely.

Boons are gathered slowly, typically obtained when a given character has 12, 16, and 20 hit dice. Unlike fiend-worshipers, servants of the Eldest, and devoted of the Empyreal Lords, characters worshiping Neutral gods do not have catch-all classes… but Neutral-aligned characters can enter the Evangelist, Sentinel, and Exalted Prestige Classes earlier than Evil characters, classing in as early as level 6 (they need +5 BAB, 5 ranks in a single skill, or the ability to cast lvl 3 spells); entered ASAP, one can gain the Boons at levels 8, 11, and 14. 

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: River Sage. Gain Hydraulic Push 3/day, River Whip 2/day, or Hydraulic Torrent 1/day.

Hydraulic Push and Hydraulic Torrent live in the same niche of “giant water spouts what push stuff around,” with Torrent being obviously an order of magnitude more powerful than Push. While Push has a range of Close and can target only a single creature or square, Torrent is a 60ft line that Bull Rushes or attempts to destroy everything it encounters, so it really depends on if you’re thinking you’ll need three small streams or one really, really big one. Notably, Torrent can Bull Rush targets of any size, unrestricted by the limits of your pathetic frame, while Push contains no such limiter removal and thus likely means you can only blast creatures up to a size larger than you.

Also of note, Torrent attempts to shatter everything it comes into contact with until it runs into something or someone it cannot destroy or push past. The Strength score the Torrent uses is equal to your caster level plus your casting ability modifier, meaning it will start out barely stronger than you are but will eventually be able to punch holes in iron and shatter stone. Hell, with a lucky roll, it may be able to do that anyway. Your choice on which two to take wholly depends on if you want to push three Medium critters around or launch one Colossal one.

What? River Whip? I don’t see any spell like that here! Lets move on! (alright alright; i just don’t like it. it’s good as an emergency weapon but more or less anything else is better in any scenario)

Boon 2: River Scion. As a free action you can breathe underwater, as if affected by Water Breathing, for a number of hours per day equal to the number of Hit Dice you possess. These hours need not be used consecutively, but must be used in 1-hour increments.

A disappointingly weak Boon. Really, what else is there to see or say? If you need to go underwater, this ability is great and has zero downsides. If you don’t, this Boon doesn’t exist. It’s a very binary Boon that relies on your environment, which means that if you’re overjoyed if you’ve remained in the River Kingdoms, but in a desert or jungle or mountain peak, you’re going to be extremely disappointed upon hitting level 11.

Boon 3: River’s Embodiment. 1/day as a standard action, you can transform yourself into a Huge water elemental, as per Elemental Body IV. You can stay in this form for 1 minute per Hit Die you possess, and can dismiss this effect as a free action.

Finally, a transformation ability that doesn’t suck! What does suck is that this is a level 7 spell being granted to you 1/day, when other Boons are equivalent to level 9 spells in power. Hanspur could have at least given you a little bonus on top of it, or made it 2/day, but it’s hard to complain about the force you become under Elemental Body IV. You become immune to bleed, critical hits, Sneak Attacks, and on top of it all get insurmountable DR 5, and the stack of stats you get? Mmmm-mm! Chef’s kiss!

+6 AC, +8 Con, +4 Str, all for the price of -2 Dex (more than made up for with the +AC). And, of course, a swim speed and the power to collapse yourself into a destructive Vortex, but those are only useful if you’re in water, while the rest of the stat buffs are far more universally useful. You’re not exactly the destructive and terrifying Fire Elemental or the deceptively sneaky Earth Elemental, but a wall of surging water can still wreak all manner of havoc on your enemies, your new dual slams able to smash ships (and bones) to pieces, and since Water Elementals are capable of speech and gesture, you can merely bask in your new tank stats while still casting spells.

There’s also the much more amusing but niche use of transforming while already polymorphed by a hostile effect, as having a new polymorph effect used on you while you’re already changed can end the first automatically.

While I wish the effect was usable more often, or at least broken into 1-minute increments, I can’t call it a bad Boon by any means.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: River Guide. Gain Obscuring Mist 3/day, Haunting Mists2/day, or Aqueous Orb 1/day.

I love the name of this ability because two of the three spells do the opposite of guiding people. Now I’m a big fan of Obscuring Mist; it’s a simple staple in my list for almost every caster I make just because of how versatile it is! But now that I know there’s an alternative, it may have competition. Both Obscuring Mist and Haunting Mists do roughly the same thing, but one could argue that Haunting Mists does it better; in addition to granting concealment and shutting off an enemy’s eyes, it deals 1d2 Wisdom damage and shakes up anyone starting their turn inside the mist... But as a Figment spell with the Fear descriptor, there are a great many creatures immune to its unique power, and True Seeing allows one to see through it perfectly, whereas Obscuring Mist remains impenetrable to the apex predator of the Illusion school.

While it cannot be dispelled by wind or motion like a tangible fog, it’s important to note that there’s no way to protect specific creatures from the sanity-damaging effects of Haunting Mists, and its casting distance of 20ft and 20ft spread means that you will likely always be caught in its radius. The range means using it offensively is painfully limited, unless you want to cast it from invisibility after sneaking into the middle of an enemy formation, which... you probably, definitely don’t want to make a habit of.

It’s great for covering your retreat, but not your advance or setup like the normal Mist is.

Aqueous Orb is a good choice if your party is getting screwed over by the mist more than the enemy, creating a big ol’ 10ft ball of water that intercepts and engulfs anything that moves into it, or which it moves into. It deals 2d6 nonlethal damage whenever it rams into a creature and a further 2d6 to everything it has engulfed each round, but the damage isn’t so much the main draw as the fact it’s a massive, roving Sphere of Grappling, snaring and drowning any creature it manages to get ahold of if they fail the Reflex save. It’s a fun little spell that’s great for mopping up and controlling minions, especially ones you don’t actually want to kill, and even at its worst it can become a makeshift barrier in a narrow hallway since there’s no written way to actually move through it beyond wasting 2, 3, or more rounds by slamming into it and swimming through to the other side while your party books it in the other direction.

Boon 2: River Traveler. As a free action, you can grant yourself and any allies within 30 feet of you a swim speed of 60 feet. This effect lasts for 1 round per Hit Die you possess or until you dismiss it as a free action, whichever comes first. Your allies must remain within 30 feet of you or lose this benefit. In addition, you gain a +2 profane or sacred bonus on saves against spells with the Water descriptor.

See, this should have been added to River Scion as a bonus. River Scion and River Traveler feel like they could have combined into a single Boon to make something decent, but as it is they both fall into the same niche: Solves the encounter they’re meant to solve, useless otherwise. This ability is noteworthy for having no restrictions about how many times it can be used, essentially letting you switch swimming off and on at will. The fact it doesn’t take an action is incredibly important, because using the massive 60ft swim speed the ability grants actually removes the bonus, as getting further than 30ft from you makes it fizzle.

I don’t really understand why it would grant 60ft of movespeed if they’re restricted to a 30ft bubble, nor do I understand the purpose of the bubble in the first place. It makes exploration a slog, and escape scenarios more finicky than they should be. Since it can be activated whenever you need to as a free action, the duration feels unneeded. There’s so much about this ability that conflicts with itself that it bugs me too much to say much in the way of positives. The +2 to saves vs Water spells is a fun little ribbon, though most Water spells tend to be harmless utility spells rather than ones you’d need to make a save against.

Boon 3: River’s Depths. 1/day as a standard action, you can cause one creature within 30 feet to begin drowning, filling its lungs with water. The target of this ability can attempt a Fortitude save (DC = 10 + 1/2 your HD + your Wis mod) to negate the effect. If the target succeeds, it is staggered for 1 round. If it fails, the target immediately begins to suffocate. On the target’s next turn, it falls unconscious and is reduced to 0 hit points. One round later, the target drops to –1 hit points and is dying. One round after that, the target dies. Each round, the target can attempt a Fortitude save to end the effect. This ability affects only living creatures that must breathe and cannot breathe underwater. This is a curse effect.

Now this one’s just insulting, being a technically weaker version of a level 5 spell, Suffocation. It’s weaker in four ways: 1) It fails against creatures which are amphibious which, if you’re in the River Kingdoms, is many. 2) It’s curse effect, which can mean some creatures are resistant or immune to it. 3) It has a 30ft range, unlike Suffocation’s range of Close (25ft + 5ft/level). And, finally, 4) Just ONE successful save ends the effect entirely, while Suffocation continues to torment and stagger the victim for 3 rounds until its effects finally expire.

It’s hard to ignore fact that it’s a basically a Save-Or-Die with excellent DC scaling, but I can’t get over it being weaker than an existing level 5 spell! ... Granted, Suffocation could probably get away with being bumped an extra level or two higher given how frighteningly effective it is at shutting down any creature who needs to breathe even if they succeed their save. I’m probably slamming down too hard on an ability that, again, is a Save-Or-Die at best and an unavoidable stagger at worst (good for making some emergency repairs against a powerful full-attacker), and for extra fun can be used without any components involved, so you can just drop it on someone out of the blue and they’ll have no idea who just tried to kill them. While I am disappointed it doesn’t meet the power of other Boons, it’s undeniably effective against a large portion of the creatures you’ll be fighting, even at 1/day.

-------

SENTINEL

-------

Boon 1: River Warden. Gain Wave Shield 3/day, Masterwork Transformation 2/day, or Quench 1/day.

Wave Shield is one of those rare spells that are amazing to have, but not especially good to prepare or to waste a precious Spells Known slot on. It’s an immediate action spell that grants insurmountable DR and Fire Resistance equal to half your caster level in response to a single incoming attack, which isn’t stupendous at low levels but is a generous equivalent to immediate, on-demand temporary HP as you get higher and higher level. If a creature relies on a lot of little hits rather than a few big ones, blocking even one of them can save you in the long run, and if your DR cancels out the damage from a poisoned or diseased attack, all the better!

It’s not an especially strong spell given how it only works once before fading away, but it’s better than the other two options by a country mile. Masterwork Transformation is something you’ll rarely need more than a few times in a campaign before masterwork items fall into your laps (or you can simply buy them), and by the time you gain this ability it will likely no longer matter. That being said, if you’re in a low-wealth campaign or have been forced to scavenge for your gear, Masterwork Transformation will save you THOUSANDS of gp over the course of your life, because as a spell-like, the material components are ignored and thus you can slowly upgrade your entire party’s armaments for free. Given its ability to affect a generous 50 pieces of ammunition per casting as well means the Ranger and Gunslinger will adore you, and you can work in tandem with a mystic craftsman (PC or otherwise) to get all of your favorite gear enchanted without discarding your precious family heirloom sword for that masterwork one you looted.

Not to mention the simple joy in taking all the gear off a bandit clan, Masterworking all of it, and selling it for a tidy profit.

Compared to the combat utility of Wave Shield and noncombat utility of Masterwork Transformation, it’s hard to make a case for Quench, which falls into the category of ‘niche spell’ like Water Breathing and Water Walking in that it will instantly solve a handful of scenarios and be utterly useless in the rest. Yes, you may need to put out a forest fire or stop a building you’re in from burning to a crisp, but you’ll have to decide if it’s worth giving up three emergency DR 4/-- and Fire Resistance 4 bandages... as the martial-focused Sentinel. If you plan on fighting a fire that day or encountering a magic item that can generate fires (which Quench shuts off for 1d4 hours) and no one else in your party bothered learning Quench, by all means, but as the Sentinel having the DR is probably better in most cases.

Boon 2: River Champion. 3/day as a standard action, you can sculpt water into the form of a melee weapon that you are proficient with. You must have enough water to form the weapon, an amount equal to the weapon’s normal weight. Once formed, the weapon behaves as a weapon of its type with an enhancement bonus of +1, which increases by 1 for every 5 additional HD you have beyond 5 (max +4). This weapon deals double damage to creatures with the Fire subtype. The weapon dissolves into ordinary water after a number of rounds equal to your HD or as soon as it leaves your hand, whichever happens first.

Boons which call weapons to your hand are alright in cases where your signature weapon has been taken from you, and by the time you receive this ability you will have a signature weapon, but such times tend to come few and far between. This one also has the additional caveat that you don’t actually create the weapon from nowhere, there must already be water around to make it, at least enough water to match the weapon’s typical weight. The good news is that a gallon of water weighs about 8 pounds, and a trident--Hanspur’s holy weapon--weighs only 4, with most other weapons barely ever approaching 10, so you can reasonably carry around an emergency weapon in a waterskin or in your backpack... And you know, now that I think about it, it’s kind of cool to be able to turn a glass of water into a dagger.

But when will you need to? How often do you find yourself bereft of a usable weapon often enough to need an emergency armament like this? I can see the niche in front of me, making a new weapon as-needed against creatures whose DR makes them difficult to damage with your normal gear or taking advantage of that delicious little tidbit about doing double-damage to fire-based creatures, but they take your whole standard action to make and last for only a single combat (if that), and you can’t even shuffle around the +1 bonuses for additional effects!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s by no means bad (unless you’re both in a waterless area and haven’t filled your waterskin), especially at 3/day, but I can’t help but wonder when you’d actually need it at level 11+ when you likely already have a primary weapon and several backups. 

Boon 3: River’s Renewal. When completely submerged in water, you gain Fast Healing 2. You can recover a total number of hit points equal to twice your HD in this manner each day. At 20 HD, if you fall below 0 hit points and your body is fully submerged in a river, you automatically stabilize.

As a final Boon, I wish the Fast Healing had a higher threshold than just 28 points a day (+2 per level). In combat it likely won’t matter, and while out of combat it’s a decent amount of healing, usually enough to spare a couple spell slots from your healers or some potions, it’s just not all that impressive for a third and final Boon. Sentinels are the only followers of Hanspur who don’t get some method to easily navigate the seas, so taking advantage of this Boon to its fullest extent relies on an outside method of gaining water breathing or a swim speed.

Funnily enough, you can carry around a Bag of Holding filled with water and use it as a recuperative pod in case you don’t have access to a deep puddle, which is dubiously useful but not entirely terrible. HOWEVER, the little addition at the end is also a kick in the teeth; why does that only happen at level 20? Why can’t that be a base part of the Boon? It’s just insul--Wait, it only works if you’re submerged in a river, too? You can’t stabilize with some good old pond water? The mighty ocean? Can’t take a dip in a bathtub to stop bleeding out? Come on, Hanspur!!! Be a little more generous to your worshipers!

I dunno, maybe I’m underselling the out-of-combat healing this Boon offers, but it just doesn’t feel worth it to put up with the Water Rat for your entire adventuring career just for an extra 1/8th of an HP bar.

You can read more about him here.

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Boys Side B Round 1 Match 29

Propaganda:

Apollo -

"Not canonically autistic but he has ZERO volume control plus he scripts/repeats stuff (“I’M FINE!!!”), sometimes mimics other people’s speech patterns (like replying “ja” to Klavier), sensitive to loud noises (stayed backstage at a concert cuz it was too loud) and bright lights (complained about the stage lights being too bright at the same concert + screamed when opening the hatch to the bright stage at magic show), and has been really into space since he was a kid, which could definitely be a hyperfixation (not to mention how he read every single one of Phoenix’s old case files back when he admired him). Plus he’s a little TOO normal, to the point where it circles back around to making him the odd one out, which is absolutely what masking feels like for me. Even when he tries to be fun and weird he gets strange looks/made fun of for not being weird in the right way. The list of autism symptoms is just a checklist for him at this point."

Tobio -

"kageyama is this setter (it’s a volleyball anime. means he coordinates plays and helps ppl spike) who at the start of the series is really angry and extremely lonely. but then bc of hinata (mc) and the rest of the team, he learns more about how to interact with other people and how that’s how you can win. he does go way too far with this and ends up not advocating for what he thinks the team should do, but hinata reminds him that if he gets mean again they’ll just tell him that and that he can say what he thinks too. he’s autistic bc i said so. my evidence:

- he started playing volleyball literally as soon as he could (like. when he was five).

- he’s been ostracized multiple times for being too obsessed with volleyball and not having normal interests/level of interest, and for being ‘too good’ at volleyball.

- he has a lot of trouble with social cues and social skills. like a lot. when he has trouble communicating with people/understanding people, he often gets angry.'

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[jq37]

The Case File – Mice and Murder Ep 3

The Case of the Curious Clues

Before we start, a quick plea to Grant O’Brien: Please stop finding clues. I can only take notes so fast. You’re killing me Grant. Moving on...

We start off this episode with yet another flashback, this time to the final confrontation of Sly and his supposedly dead arch nemesis Fletcher Cottonbottom at Reichenbunny Falls (...Brennan please). Fletcher was using a local castle as a storage center for munitions but Sly tipped off the cops before they could be moved. They do some repartee back and forth before Fletcher, the madman, handcuffs them together and jumps off the edge. They hit the water but Sly is able to lockpick himself out and escape while Fletcher disappears beneath the waves. 

You know what I got from that story? No body.

Anyway, we jump back to the present where there *is* a body, Squire Badger’s specifically. Everyone in the room who isn’t a PC thinks that this must either be the work of ghosts or Mrs. M who was the only person in the room when it happened (allegedly). 

This is a crucial time for clue gathering and Brennan keeps everyone in initiative for investigative purposes. Now, *so much* stuff happens here that I’m not going to recap every single detail--just the major clues and the things that seem relevant. I’m serious, this is like the volume of info we usually get in the once per season later game lore dump ep but it’s episode THREE.

Daisy tries to find a secret door but critically fails. She clocks Gangie, a fellow criminal, and in the moment Rekha and Katie decide that they prob have worked together in the past even though they are very different kinds of criminals. 

Buck, who is outside listening to what’s going on in the room notices that his ankle knife is missing which is Concerning considering a man was just knifed to death. 

Sly has Lars guard the door (he opens it and Buck is discovered, whoops) and then rolls a NATURAL 20 plus NINE to investigate so Brennan just has to tell him literally everything. RIP to him and me. Anyway, here’s the rundown (along with some of the stuff other ppl got):

Mrs. M’s hands are covered in blood but she couldn’t have done it. Based on her personality for one and for other reasons we’ll get to.

The wound is much messier than it would be if a person stabbed themselves typically.

There is a note in Squire Badger’s handwriting that says “Sylvester Cross I am afraid” No indication of if that was the whole message or if he got interrupted (maybe Buck could figure it out with his handwriting checking skills). Daisy from across the room clocks that Sly’s name is written on the paper but can’t read the rest.

The knife is a hunting knife with a pronghorn handle--an animal not common in England but very common in Texas (and Buck is sweating obv).

There is a slight layer of charcoal type dust on everything on the big resolute desk in the room (which makes sense, ash from the fireplace) but there is parchment type dust on the bust of Barkus Aurelius (OK, that one’s good) on the table and that’s the only place that dust is. Ian later notices that the date on the bust is wrong. 

Speaking of, the desk (which we learn later was put in and taken out of storage once Loan Hall was modernized) is bolted to the ground and a lot of stuff has been thrown off it as if by a powerful force but Sly notices that it’s just the metal stuff like things made of silver or with screws. Stone things like the bust and other non-metal things have stayed put. Plus he smells ozone. This was the work of magnets, not ghosts, he concludes. And, for the record, Grant figured this out himself!

Mrs. M’s eyes are rapidly dilating. She is questioned about what happened and she says that she was told she was fired and would receive a small pension. 

(Not a part of Sly’s clue dump but Buck rolls a 24 with disadvantage to persuade everyone he didn’t do it but then 2 nat 1s in a row to see if Harding--who said he was standing outside the door--is suspect. Buck thinks he’s at most a stooge but he did roll a nat 1 so who knows?)

Anyway, back to Mrs. M. Gangie fully believes Mrs. M is innocent and scared. She doesn’t quite remember what happened for a couple of seconds in there and it’s clear this is not the first time she’s had missing time. Sly calls Longfoot (the bunny photographer) over to take a picture of Mrs. M which everyone is a little appalled at until they realize he’s making a point. When the flash goes off, she bugs out like she did in episode 1 and forgets that the picture was ever taken. Sly then has Dr. Magpie list the symptoms of epilepsy. It seems that Mrs. M had an episode triggered by the flash she mentioned seeing and then lost time. It’s possible that what she thought she saw after that she didn’t actually see.

[While Sly is monologuing this Rekha texts Brennan and gets a 17 to swipe the “I am afraid” note. Sly doesn’t notice.]

So if it wasn’t her, then who was it? There’s only one door into the study and anyone who walked in would have to have walked past Mr. Harding, Shellcrest, Calliope, and Tabitha (who is having a marvelous time being in the midst of so much drama). Ah, but who said there was only one door? Sly has Harding pull a sconce and a SECRET DOOR OPENS! Woo! Finally! It’s a classic bookshelf one that opens into the hallway and there is some extremely fine crushed glass under the door. Hmm.

Sly clocks that there is something under the desk but we don’t know what it is because Brennan texts it to him and it’s redacted. There are actually a couple of redacted texts that go around this ep so we are def missing information. 

OK, that’s more or less everything. 

Sly notices that the page is missing and Grant gasps while Rekha does an excellent job of pretending like she doesn’t even remember what paper is being talked about. Constance asks if it’s possible that Mrs. M totally made up the memory because of her epilepsy and between Dr. Magpie and Sly they determine that that’s uncommon but possible. Dr. Magpie says that everyone should leave so he and Sly can examine the body and Sly says that someone should watch Gangie at all times. 

At this point, Harding and Gilfoyle (the butler) say they should establish where everyone was at the time of the murder. A lot of the staff and guests have solid alibis cause they were in big groups/cleaning up together. But the PCs were off alone (or with each other) and had reasons to want to guy dead so they’re prime suspects. Sly even admits that he’s one too. Also everyone dogpiles Ian because Raph makes it so fun. 

Harding mentions the letter that was given to Buck (the one selling his shares in BB and giving voting writes to his rival Josiah) and asks him to read it. Buck reads it and gives a streamlined version of the truth, saying everything except for the part with the proxy vote. With a 26 he is able to allay everyone’s suspicions for now, but now he’s purposefully hidden the truth in a way that can be readily called out if anyone sees the letter or the contract which he resolves to find. 

Buster distracts the group so Daisy can “check the body for a pulse” aka: check the body for the contract. She doesn’t find a it but does find a key attached to a piece of red silk--something that would be weird for him to be carrying around instead of his valet. She figures this must open whatever locked drawer the contract is in and swipes it but Sly clocks her stealing it (his perception ties her sleathiness but an earlier Bless from Ian tips him over the edge--poetic).  

Calliope says that everyone is kinds suspect, including Sly, but *someone* has to solve this and Sly’s their best bet so everyone should just stay put and they can guard the exits. The butler says that, besides the front door, there are some towers that poke up above ground and a servant's exit/entrance by the elevator in the kitchen wing but they can lock down both and have someone guard the front doors. 

The butler is like, lmao yeah Sly I know you didn’t do it and I’m not gonna stand guard here but you know, everyone is keeping an eye on y’all. And then he leaves the PCs, Mrs. M, Constance, and Dr. Magpie in the room with the body. 

Lars is about to go watch the kitchen staff but, before he goes, Sly says to him that he saw Cottonbottom and is obviously quite scared. Gangie, who used to work for the guy, overhears and asks what’s going on. Sly assumes Gangie is playing coy but rolls high enough to know that he isn’t. He saw a starkly white Cottonbottom and one of his known conspirators doesn’t know he’s back? Perhaps it was a ghost after all. 

Case Notes

My 2 fave bits of this episode were “bad to bad bad bad” (and the further riffing) and Daisy throwing increasingly bigger books at Sly.

Even with a Nat 1, Sly gets a 16 on Investigation. Wild. 

I don’t think Rekha got enough props for her “Cross examination” line so I’m mentioning it here.

Brennan said the ozone question was still open--but I assumed it was like the electricity smell from an electromagnet. That would make sense, right? Maybe he meant they hadn’t found the source of it specifically yet?

Brennan says Buck’s knife is a pronghorn knife. I assume they’re made from the animal’s horns? Even if they’re the kind that fall off every season, is that weird? Or is it just like human hair wigs? Also, does this world have leather?

I love that the dice keep supporting the narrative that Daisy simply cannot get her shit together when she’s with Sly because he distracts her too much. Delicious. Their whole relationship is delicious. 

OK, I am a tiny bit suspicious of Calliope. It’s partially the way she took control of the situation near the end and partially the fact that she doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would be involved in this which would make her heel turn delicious. No hard evidence and obv she couldn’t be the person who actually stabbed a guy but idk. Just spitballing. I’m very curious about whether we’ve met everyone we’re going to meet more or less or if there are still outside people/hidden inside people. Because, in real life, a murderer could be literally anyone but in a story, you can’t just introduce a new villain all of a sudden at the end. Bad storytelling. Weak payoff. We’ll see how things start to pan out. 

[thatmultifandomhoe]

Type 2

Word Count: 10,755

Overview: You were diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes in high school and ever since then, you’ve been able to manage it without a problem. Sticking to a schedule and monitoring your blood was easy, but then came Jimin and suddenly, you found yourself hiding it all from him. But when your blood sugar drops dangerously low in the middle of the night, Jimin’s the only one you can call for help.

Pairing: Jimin and Reader

Genre AU/Rating: - Established Relationship AU - Medical Condition AU - Slice of Life AU - Angst - Fluff  Rated: PG-13

Warning: In order of appearance-: Implied bullying, extreme thirst, lack of appetite, weight loss, passing out, type 2 diabetes, drinking, swearing, insecurities, needles, mention of blood while using a blood glucose meter, extremely low blood sugar.

A/N: This is not the story of everyone who goes through Type 2 Diabetes. Not everyone has it when they’re in high school. This fic is loosely based on my experience with caring for my mother who is diabetic, and based on my own family’s history with this condition. My mother who almost her entire family is diabetic, so it was only a matter of time that she would become diabetic, except she was able to keep from being diagnosed until her mid to late 50s. That is not to say you can’t be diagnosed as young as high school or even in middle school, it can happen, I went to middle school with a girl who had a pump in 8th grade. This is just one story.

Master List:​

Music Playlist:

Part of the Intimacy Anthology Project

©thatmultifandomhoe 2020. Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without permission.

It first started in high school.

But when you actually sat down and thought about it, the early symptoms were there a year prior in eighth grade. More often than not, your throat was dry, so you always had a water bottle next to you. Back then though it wasn’t as bad. Plus, any conversation with one of the girls who wore makeup every single day – it was always shocking when they announced that their mothers let them – swore that drinking a gallon of water a day, would help with maintaining clear skin.

Whether or not there was logic to this declaration was to be remain hidden – many years later you would learn that actually, there was no science between drinking water and having acne free skin – you and all the other girls hopped on the train. It was because of this promise of clear skin, that no one batted an eye when you began going through a bottle a day, or the fact that you were using the bathroom more often as well.

You were fourteen. Your body was changing, nothing made sense anymore. Happy one minute, then curled up in fetal position as that depressing Sarah McLachlan commercial played on the TV, and you were telling your parents that they needed to adopt a kitten because it was the right thing to do. How were you even supposed to know that what was happening, actually wasn’t all that normal?

Mom simply handed over your water bottle, a bag of the secret stash of chocolate, and a heated rice bag for the cramps, and everything was decently better.

You only thought the sudden extreme thirst was…part of it all.

In freshman year, you were going through bottles to the point that you bought a cute reusable water bottle that you decorated with stickers, never willing to admit how many times you had tipped it back for it to be empty. You weren’t exactly the poster child for going green and advocating climate change, but you weren’t stupid either and knew that the plastic bottles weren’t going to help the Earth.

The popular girls from eighth grade had surged up the ladder, and were now the queens of the freshman class and upturned noses. No longer were they giving compliments or suggestions on how to blend eyeshadow, or discussing the latest trends in fashion. Instead, they ignored the good mornings in the hallways from girls, and laughed as they slammed textbooks out of their hands. Smiles turned into grimaces, and helpful tips morphed into jeering and mean comments usually centered around everyone’s looks.

While you tried to not let their lies get to you, you couldn’t help but pause by a mirror and turn every which angle possible, trying to see the flaws that they pointed out all the time. It was confusing because to be perfectly honest, you were average. There was nothing that made you stand out from the crowd, nor did you hide in the shadows, you were simply in the middle and that never bothered you.

You never gave them the satisfaction of letting them see how their words affected you on the simple fact that they didn’t. Maybe you’d shrug, or raise an eyebrow, before turning away to drink from the trusty water bottle by your side. They meant nothing to you, but everyone around you thought that they did. Friends were quick to jump on the reassurance train, their gazes lingering on the food you barely touched. Even when it was taco Tuesday, you’d barely eat half of it or even less before getting full.

No one seemed to believe that you were full, or that drinking two whole bottles of water by noon made it impossible to shove more than a few bites down your throat.

Dinner was always hard. Sat between mom and dad, the looks they’d give each other as they watched you push at the small amount of food on your plate never went unnoticed. You’d lost track of all the times that mom came into your bedroom to ask if everything was okay, if the girls at school were saying things, or if there was perhaps a guy you were trying to impress. If only you’d gotten a dollar for every time someone asked you that, you would have been a millionaire by sixteen.

Soon you were making excuses to not have to eat around people, saying that you had made up a plate of whatever was left in the fridge and weren’t hungry. At school you started bringing a brown bag lunch. Since you weren’t eating the food you bought, it didn’t make sense to waste money on it. It took a while for your friends to get that you just weren’t hungry, but eventually they knew not to bring it up, letting you eat as little as you want and drink water.

That was fine with you. You were fine, that was what you told them and you wanted them to believe them. You didn’t want them to know that every night before bed you stood in front of the mirror on your wall, turning side to side and every which way to see the new curves from your chest to your hips, or the gap between your thighs.

They didn’t need to know that you despite the fact that you’d refill the water bottle three times a day at school, you’d refill it four additional times at home. Or how your belt now had extra holes that you had punched in it an attempt on your part to keep what was happening a secret.

Every weekend was reserved for sleepovers, movies, and at home facials with you and your friends, equally rotating between everyone’s house to keep it fair on who hosted. It was how you were able to relax and have fun, but it was hard to hide the sudden changes. At first, you started arriving already in your PJs, that way none of them had to see you change, but then they stared as you barely touched any of the snacks. The same ones that you all used to bake together. Then every time you got up to use the bathroom they’d sigh, having to pause the movie or wait for you to come back to continue playing whatever board game was out.

After three attempts, you stopped going to the sleepovers, giving some excuse that you weren’t feeling well, or that you were behind on a pile of homework. Whether they believed it or not, your friends accepted it without a second thought.

Those months of confusion and sudden changes felt like they were moving at a snail’s pace, but then one day you blinked and it was two days before Christmas, and none of your clothes fit you anymore. Everything was hanging on you, you were in the bathroom multiple times within a couple hours, and your throat felt like it was filled with sand that no matter how much water you drank, never seemed to offer any relief.

It was a vicious cycle that no one could ignore anymore. You weren’t yourself anymore, barely even a shell of the human who you had once been.

The morning it happened you had once again been in the bathroom going pee. When suddenly, your head felt heavy, too burdensome for your shoulders, so you leaned back against the wall to relieve yourself of some of the weight. Black dots filtered in your vision as you cleaned yourself up, the toilet flushing as you stumbled to the sink. The water rushed from the sink as you stood in front of the mirror, barely able to make out your own reflection and going fuzzy when you walked out of the bathroom, forgetting to turn off the water or the lights as you left. You didn’t remember even opening the door.

Someone had been walking by at the moment, although they didn’t know it, you felt like your mind was underwater, unable to think let alone speak as you tried to go back to your room. It was your mother. She stared wide eye at you stumbling around the hallway like a drunk and when she called out your name, you didn’t even hear her.

She called your name again. Then a third time. It was on the fourth that you looked over at her, your mouth moving and filled with sand, only nothing come out. The last thing you saw was her running towards you. Then it was dark.

The next time you’d open your eyes it was with a stark realization that you were no longer at home. A glance to your left revealed box monitors and tubes of all types, one of them connected to the IV in your arm and the other going to a monitor that was attached to your pointer finger. The bed wasn’t comfy and at some point, someone had changed you out of your PJs and into a light green hospital gown.

The door opened as a nurse in blue scrubs walked in, her blond ponytail pulled high up as she carried a chart, smiling when she saw you.

“Good to see that you’re awake,” she said, coming to your side to read the numbers, marking some notes down. “How are you feeling?”

Wetting your lips, you tried to speak but like always, your throat was dry.

The nurse glanced over and seeing your struggle, held up a finger as she walked to the connected bathroom, water suddenly running before being turned off as she came back with a plastic cup.

“Go slow,” she instructed, helping to bring the mattress up so you were sitting as she gave you the cup.

It took a few minutes, but when your throat wasn’t so dry, you tried again. “What happened? Where…where are my parents?”

She was changing out the IV bag for a new one, and you wondered if your body had really emptied that packet dry. “You passed out hun, but don’t worry, your parents just went to get some snacks from the vending machine. I’ll go get them and then the doctor will be right in to explain everything.”

“Am I okay?”

Her badge turned right side, showing her ID and that her name was Jenna. “Everything will be fine. The doctor will explain and answer any questions.”

You watched as Jenna connected a new IV bag, once again reassuring that she’d be back with everyone before leaving the room as the cold liquid entered your veins, surprising you with how good it felt.

Jenna kept her promise. First bring round your parents who hurried to hug you, telling you how worried they were about you and asking how you felt. In only a few short minutes the doctor came back with the nurse, smiling as she pulled out a chair to sit on.

It wasn’t cancer, nor was it anything uncommon that would puzzle the doctors on how you got, but rather something that you had heard of all the time in health classes.

You were diabetic. Type two to be exact.

They had run some blood tests and from what they were able to tell, your blood sugars had dropped low during your sleep and hadn’t gone back up when you woke. Combined with the loss of weight and dehydration you were experiencing, your body’s natural instinct was to protect itself and, in this case, that meant passing out.

The doctor reassured that it at least explained the various changes you had been experiencing, and as grateful as you were to finally understand what was going on, it now meant that your way of life was going to change, again.

Now your life revolved around using a glucose meter to check your blood sugar throughout the day, taking medicine that would help regulate your numbers, cutting back on sweets and various other foods that had tended to make them high. Slowly but surely you were able to gain back some of the weight you had lost, and the trips to the bathroom slowed down. You were living a new life trying to find the perfect balance.

One thing had been made clear by the doctor that day. This was lifelong. It was never going to go away; it was something that could only be managed.

So, you managed. All through high school, and then all through college, you managed to maintain your numbers, discovering that when you felt sluggish and off it usually meant your blood sugar was either really high or really low. Besides that, you normally felt fine and took shots at mealtimes and before bed to help regulate your levels.

That was the second, biggest change in your life. Every pill and medicine that the doctor prescribed to help with your levels had its side effects, and the world must have had a grudge on you because every single one made you ill or have a reaction. Usually insulin was a last resort option, but in your case, it was the only thing that appeared to help.

Downside to taking the shots were the prices, they were the true killer, but like everything in your life, you managed it all. Your parents of course worried, and the day you had moved out was perhaps the most nerve wracking for them. You were going to be on your own for the first time ever, it was a big moment, and as much as you appreciated and loved them, it was time for you leave home.

Having this new lifestyle didn’t mean you couldn’t do anything; your life was perhaps more or less the same as any other adult that you knew who was your age. Went to work five days a week as a dental hygienist, spent the weekends catching up on chores, and binge watching the latest shows on Netflix.

The only thing missing, was a love life.

It wasn’t that you didn’t try. There were multiple first dates and a couple second dates, but rarely was there a third. No matter what you did or how you tried to explain it, they all got uncomfortable when you mentioned that you were diabetic. At first it didn’t seem like it would be an issue. But when you’d get up a few minutes before the meal came and you’d explain that you needed to take a shot, they all clammed up. Like they were suddenly realizing that what you were more trouble than you originally appeared to be. That you actually had a condition that affected your life.

After that they’d stop calling, the texts they’d send were more apologetic and that they were busy. There were never anymore dates after that, and unable to help yourself you’d check their social media, not surprised when there were new pictures with a new girl, usually captioned with some type of heart emoji.

If they were dumping you for something that was out of your control, then you were the lucky one for avoiding what could be a toxic relationship. At least, that’s what you told yourself. It was good that you were waiting for the right person, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. How could anyone decide that you weren’t worth the time simply because you needed to take insulin?

You were a human being. Nowhere did it say you didn’t deserve love.

Despite that mindset, you once again found yourself coming home from a date that had no future of a third. Tossing your keys on the bed, you rummaged around your purse for the two cases stashed inside, still dressed in the cute outfit that had taken a majority of the morning to decide on. The cases themselves were adorable, and pretty cheap on Amazon. The first was purple and no bigger than your palm while zipped up. The second one was a light blue wristlet that was slightly longer.

You sighed while setting them on the nightstand, resentment filling your heart. The purple bag contained your pen and glucose meter with the test strips, and the other had your insulin, alcohol wipes, and spare needles. They were the very things that you needed to stay alive. They told you your numbers, it was how you decided on how many units to take with meals, and yet, they appeared to be a part of the reason that you couldn’t seem to hold on to a relationship.

It just fucking…sucked.

No longer caring that you had spent several hours to get the curls just right, you ran a hand through your hair. Mike had made it clear after your explanation for why you needed the light blue case just to go to the bathroom, that there wasn’t going to be a second date.

Which is fine, you thought, kicking off your heels and pulling your legs up to sit criss cross on the bed. He only talked about himself the entire time. And his ex-wife.

Maybe it was because you were telling them early on. Wasn’t there some unwritten rule about not talking about medical things on the first couple dates? Granted, a majority of them wanted to go out to eat for the dates and you couldn’t exactly not take a shot, but it wasn’t like you were doing it right there at the table. You always went to the restroom and used the stall with the changing table to be able to lay everything out.

Glancing at the two cases, you pressed your lips together. This was a major part of your life; it was part of your identity. But maybe…maybe if they didn’t know? What if you hid this from the next guy? It probably wouldn’t do much, if it did, were you really going to hide such an important part of yourself in the name of love?

They always seem to run off when I tell them, you thought. What’s the harm in waiting, and seeing if it’ll last more than a few dates before I tell?

It seemed pretty extreme. But there was only one way to find out.

As you settled back against the pillows, turning on Netflix once again, you couldn’t but hope that this didn’t backfire on you.

“You did what?”

Pressing your lips together, you rested your forehead against the fridge. It was a bad idea to tell you best friend what you had done. You knew that she’d say it was wrong to lie, to hide such an important part of your life from him. She was the voice of logic and reason, which was terrifying at times, but that was Kayla.

Grabbing the milk from the fridge, you glanced over your shoulder. She was staring at you, eyebrow raised as she tapped her nails against the table, waiting to hear your excuse.

“I…I haven’t told him.”

“And you’ve been dating for how long now?”

You stirred the mug until it was caramel in color, starring down at the coffee and partially wishing that you could shrink and run away from her reaction. “Three months.”

“Dude!”

Wincing, you stashed the milk away to carry the two cups of coffee to the table, setting Kayla’s down on the cozy you had out. She thanked you, absentmindedly stirring the spoon out of habit.

It was a Saturday ritual the two of you had since meeting in college. The two of you bonded while waiting in an excessive line for coffee on campus, and despite it being ridiculously long, neither one of you was willing to leave. Coffee was what you considered your life blood, and funny enough, so didn’t Kayla.

That day forward, the two of you always got coffee together before classes, and on Saturdays you bought a box of munchkins with iced coffee before retreating back to the lounge to relax and bitch about anything and everything. She knew about your diabetes, didn’t mind that you could only have a few treats before stopping, and when she hung out in your dorm room, she hadn’t been uncomfortable with seeing you having to take a shot.

After that semester, the two of you became roommates for the reminder of college. Even after graduating and moving out in the real world, getting real jobs, Saturdays were still for coffee and bitchin’.

“Walk me through this decision again?” She asked, reaching over for one of the glazed munchkins.

You lightly tapped the spoon against the rim of the coffee mug, slouching in your seat as you wrapped your fingers around it. The warmth spread through your fingers instantly, soothing a few nerves for the moment. Kayla was your best friend yes, but she also had very strong opinions.

“I was just, sick of finding dead ends,” you answered, staring down at the mud colored coffee. Just the way you liked it. “Every time I had explained that I needed to take a shot to manage my blood sugar, they all froze up. And then they’d tell me after the date ended that it wasn’t going to work, or they’d ghost me without any warning.”

It sucked. It really did, but for once you just wanted to be with someone and be happy. There had already been too many times that you’d gotten your hopes up over a guy only for it to end, without even an explanation no less.

Kayla covered your hand with hers, gently squeezing when you looked up at her. Her red hair was pulled up in a ponytail, her freckles scattered across her face and body. She refused to cover them up with makeup, and even then, you wouldn’t dare let her do so either. As much as you treasured her, you had witnessed first-hand her attempting to do makeup so badly that it nearly sent you to cardiac arrest.

“Hey,” she softly said. “Those guys were dick bags, there’s no need to beat yourself over them.”

Chuckling, you raised the mug to your lips, glancing in the living room. The apartment wasn’t the largest or the fanciest, but you were able to leave a piece of yourself in each room. Sunlight streamed through the bay window and through the dream-catcher you had hanging on the lock. Bailey, Kayla’s little teacup terrier, was taking advantage of said light and was napping on the couch.

“I’m guessing I should have sent them all to you?”

“Of course,” Kayla agreed, leaning back in the chair. “I would have kicked their asses and told them what type of scum they are.”

You reached over for your own munchkin, placing it on the saucer to break it in half. “Sorry, but I think you’ve missed your chance.”

“Dammit.”

Amused, you popped a piece into your mouth, enjoying the sweetness of the chocolate. Life had certainly taken the two of you in directions that neither of you expected, but you treasured these Saturdays. It was like nothing had changed and you were back in college, talking about the classmates that annoyed the crap out of you, pointing out the cute ones, and procrastinating on the assignments that needed to be done.

“So, are you going to tell me about him?” Kayla asked. “Last thing you said was that your neighbor was setting you up. Does he deserve the best friend approval?”

At the thought of Jimin, you were grinning into your coffee, coyly trying to avoid eye contact with her as she squealed. Her reaction was so strong that it woke Bailey up, causing her to bark a few times. Which was more adorable than it was intimidating like the dog probably thought.

  Flipping your phone screen side up, you went to go find a picture of him for her. “He’s very, very sweet,” you said, handing the device over for her to scroll through. “And kind. He works at the animal shelter in town, loves to take Polaroid pictures, and he indulges in my coffee addiction.”

“I love him already.”

You grinned at that, taking a drink as she cooed and laughed at the various photos, and you began to tell her the story about how you met him.

As much as you hate to admit it, you had been apprehensive about your downstairs neighbor set you up with his friend for a blind date. It wasn’t that you were complete strangers with Taehyung - the guy was pretty chill and kept things interesting with constantly dying his hair - it had been more along the lines that you didn’t know much about him besides the conversations the you shared before going your separate ways.

According to your neighbor, your dating life – or non-existent one – hadn’t gone amiss on him either, and conveniently had a friend who was also in the single pool for quite some time, so he thought it would be nice to help you out. Actually no, he flat out told you he was setting the two of you up for a date. With only a moment’s hesitation were you able to say no dinner dates before he disappeared inside, tossing a thumb’s up over his shoulder for you and shut the door.

The next morning when you left for work, there was a sticky note on your door telling you to be at the 10th annual Flower Shower festival that Saturday for one. Jimin would be waiting at Paws for Days, the animal shelter.

The Flower Shower festival the town’s way of sharing their love of flowers and nature with everyone. Every shop that decided to participate in the event was assigned a different type of flower, and with that, they decorated their stores with it. They were then automatically entered into a contest to see who was the most creative with their assigned floral. First place was given a trophy stating that they were the winners of that year’s festival, and second and third were given ribbons and a plant of their choice.

What made it such a hit, was perhaps was the event that gave it its namesake. During the day, not only were there flowers decorated on the storefronts, but each company was able to hand out coupons for their flower that could be turned in at one of the many floral shops in the area. There were stalls for making and selling flower crowns, jewelry, perfumes, anything and everything imaginable that could incorporate flowers into a product filled the streets to be sold. Even food vendors went all out with all the stops.

Filling in any empty spaces were local artists, using any and all varieties of flowers to create sculptures, sometimes of small animals that a person could hold in their hands, to ones so large that it required ladders and multiple hands to help. Face and body painters had kids and adults of all ages waiting in line, eagerly handing over the few bucks to be decorated with flowers and various other decorative forms of flower power.

It was like the hippie movement met modern times for a day.

Perhaps the most beautiful of all the events, was the parade that happened at the end of the day. The festival couldn’t last all night since it would be hard to see the flowers, so the ending parade occurred at six. All the contest participants and winners walked along with the vendors and painters, each carrying baskets with flower petals or single flowers to throw out to the crowd, and while they held the attention of everyone, up on the rooftops of all the buildings were volunteers who waited for their to cue to toss buckets of petals on to the crowd below. It was as if the entire world was hitting pause on the bitterness of life, to enjoy a moment of beauty to take a shower, made out of flowers.

You never knew what it was about flowers that had the entire town obsessed with them, there were at least six shops dedicated to flowers and bouquets – one at least in particular focused mainly on gardening tools, sculptures, and fountains – within the downtown area.

Which made having your first date with Jimin at the Flower Shower festival all the more pleasing. It was more exciting and had plenty of things to do than going to another restaurant, but at the same time, a bit nerve wracking. Not only was it another first date, with a guy that you’ve never met in your life, hoping that your neighbor hadn’t set you up with some weirdo. This was the first date you were going on with the decision to not tell him about being diabetic.

Even though you weren’t going to bring it up, you still packed the cases into your purse, not wanting to risk needing it and not having them on you. After dressing in shorts and a loose flowery blouse with sandals, even doing your makeup lightly to match with the summer theme, you were ready to go out. Butterflies were fluttering in your stomach, but your hand had been shaking to the point that you had to set down the mascara brush or stab yourself in the eye with it.

This was your first chance at seeing if it really made such an impact on your love life, making it felt like you were stepping into the dating scene all over again. That was what made it terrifying. This simple date would tell you whether or not you weren’t able to hold a relationship because of your lifestyle, or if it was because of you.

If it was because of the needles, then that you could understand. Not everyone was fond of them, and dealing with having to give yourself shots four times a day can be annoying at times, but if it was because of you in general…well, that was the ultimate sucker punch to the gut.

Before you could let yourself get lost in the sink hole of self-doubt, you forced yourself to leave, locking the door without even thinking to double check that you had everything that you needed. Luckily, you did.

It was to your advantage that you lived downtown. Walking to the shops only took five, maybe ten minutes if you were feeling lazy and with the location of Paws for Days in mind, you headed down the street in its direction.

The sun was high in the sky, occasionally blinding you when you passed by the tall buildings and gaps in the trees, but you felt the heat of the sun on your arms, and saw the clear bright blue sky overhead. It all helped to take your mind off what Jimin was like. Hell, you didn’t even know what he looked like. All that Taehyung wrote was that he would be outside by the shelter’s sign.

Nearing the heart of town, you weren’t all that surprised to see that nearly everyone in town was walking the streets, making it almost impossible to tell them apart from the people who were working.

Paws for Days was a street down from being smack in the center of town, and resembled a large farmhouse with floor to ceiling windows on the front entrance, allowing everyone to look in and see the cats and occasional dog walking around the front of the store. They took in animals of every breed, and were also a no-kill shelter. During the warm months it was common to hear dogs barking in the larger fenced in area behind the building as the animals played and ran about, enjoying the time out in the sun.

As you neared the shelter, it was the sound of barking and kids laughing that made you smile. In their front lawn, staff had set up play pen areas for the smaller dogs to sit out on the grass and roll around. Parents with babies carefully held them as they leaned down, allowing their child to gently pet animals and laughing as their palms get licked. There were other areas for the larger dogs, but a large banner that was attached to the shelter’s roof stole your attention.

Paws for Days 10th Annual Adoption Day!

You hadn’t realized that in addition to it being the tenth anniversary of the Flower Shower festival, it was also an anniversary for the shelter as well. Staff was walking around with blue shirts with the name of the shelter written in black, a little black paw print serving as the period. Flower crowns made out of orange cream roses sat on everyone’s head, and as you looked around, a group of people around your age appeared to be constructing a giant sculpture of a…well, it had paws and the lower half of an animal body.

Maybe later you’d come back and see what it turned out to be.

Continuing towards the shelter, you tried to look for the sign, but with a swarm of people walking in your way so they could either play with the animals or actually go inside to adopt, it took a little longer to reach your destination.

  When you finally broke through and stepped away to the side to catch a breather, you were able to see the shelter’s wooden sign. To no one’s surprise, there was a stone statue of a cat and dog sitting next to each other, with a bird on top of the dog’s head. It was adorable.

The man standing next to the sign however, was godly looking.

“No, fucking way,” you said, taking advantage of the fact that he was looking at his phone to stare at him.

The fact that his hair was dyed wasn’t shocking – you had partially expected that considering Taehyung was always dying his – but the mix of pink and orange hues suited Jimin so perfectly that it appeared natural on him. The sunlight glinted off of the silver chained earring he wore along with the silver rings on his fingers, all while standing out in a black t-shirt and jeans despite it being warm out. To top it all off, an orange cream rose flower crown that matched his hair color perfectly, was carefully placed on his head to resemble a halo, and he held on to a spare in his free hand.

Taehyung had completely, and utterly, forgotten to mention that his single friend, was insanely hot.

Maybe…maybe that’s not him, you thought, carefully wetting your lips as you walked over to him. Maybe this is some other guy, standing right where Taehyung had said, and was waiting for someone else.

He slipped his phone into his pocket before you were able to reach him and looked up, meeting to meet your gaze. The wire framed sunglasses he wore were tinted with pink lenses.

“Hi,” he said. His voice was soft and gentle, putting your nerves at ease as he smiled widely when you got closer. “You’re Taehyung’s neighbor, right?”

You shyly smiled, nodding as you supplied your name, which only helped to make the corner of Jimin’s eyes crinkle as he repeated your name. To you, your name was just that, a name. Nothing more and nothing less. But hearing he say it, it was like a pretty melody slipping out of his mouth.

Jimin held up the spare flower crown, pressing his lips together as he chuckled. “I hope you don’t mind, but I got you one. Is it okay if I…?”

“Of course,” you answered. It was sweet that he had gotten one for you, and as he stepped closer to put it on your head, you felt your cheeks warming up at how close he was. You were even able to catch a whiff of his cologne, just the faintest scent that wasn’t overwhelming like how some people tended to bathe in perfume.

“They’re roses,” Jimin explained, adjusting the crown so it sat on your head like his. “Orange roses. I had to ask for them specifically in case any of the animals tried eating them. Roses at least, are not as poisonous as a lot of other flowers.”

“They’re still toxic to them though, right?”

Jimin leaned back, quirking an eyebrow as his smile softened to grin. “Well, I don’t recommend eating them, for either animals or humans. They’ll probably make you sick...”

“He’s a smartass just like us,” Kayla interrupted, grinning as she handed you back your phone.

Laughing, you nodded in agreement. “Yeah, he can be. But he’s just, one of the sweetest guys I’ve met.” Double tapping your phone, the lock screen revealed itself to be a picture of Jimin. You had taken it one day when you went and visited him at the shelter. He had been holding one of the calico cats, even rubbing his nose against hers, and your heart melted at the sight. Now your heart melted every time you turned on your phone.

“And he really has no idea?”

The room fell silent then. Which wasn’t surprising considering that the two of you were introverts at heart, but together, you were loud and proud. Add in coffee and the entire world better watch out.

“Jimin’s seen me check my blood,” you slowly answered. The phone screen went black when you didn’t swipe it. “He saw the meter one day, so I explained that with my family history, that I have it as a way to monitor my blood.”

Usually, you had been so good about hiding your meter and needles when Jimin came around to your home. For some reason on that day, it had slipped your mind and the next thing you knew, Jimin was holding it up and asking about it.

You weren’t outright lying. The family history wasn’t that decent, and you did have to check your blood, so it was more of a partial truth. Maybe it was because he had seemed curious and interested in the item, but ever since that day, guilt had been gnawing away at your heart. You were still avoiding the truth, and if you wanted this relationship to work out, the only way it could would be if you told him.

Looking away from the coffee, you pressed your lips together upon seeing the way Kayla was gazing at you, her eyes softening as she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly. There were no words needed however. You knew that it wasn’t going to end well if you remained silent, but the lingering fear was still there.

What if it was too much for Jimin? What if after you told him, he decided that it wasn’t worth it? That you, weren’t worth it?

It was all just…terrifying.

“You know,” Kayla gently said, reaching out and reassuringly squeezed your hand. “If for some reason, it doesn’t work out…Bailey and I got a spare room for you to have.”

She had offered you the spare room more times than you could remember, especially after graduation, but you loved the town you grew up in. It was home and had everything you always wanted. But you squeezed her hand back tightly, looking up at her with a smile.

“I thought that was Bailey’s room?”

“Oh, it is. She’s fucking spoiled rotten. You’re the only human being I’d sacrifice my queen-sized bed for a bunk bed.”

Laughing, you shook your head as Kayla joined in. Even Bailey tried barking at the sudden noise.

You had to tell Jimin the truth. There was no if, ands, or buts about it. For right now, you were willing to pretend for a little bit longer, wanting to savor in his love before it all came crashing down.

You leaned over Jimin, stretching your hand out for the wine glass on the coffee table, his palm sliding down your back to your hip as you moved about. When you settled back against his side, the wine glass in hand, his chest shook as he chuckled when you tried to take a sip only to realize that you would have to sit up to get a decent drink.

“Oh shush,” you murmured, lightly swiping at his shoulder.

It only made Jimin giggle even more though, and a glance at his own wine glass that was sitting on the wooden floor by the couch revealed it to be empty. You were still on your first, knowing full well that there was a chance that a glass of your beloved Witching Hour Red Blend wine might spike your blood sugar, but Jimin had finished his first one within a half hour after arriving for dinner.

Not that you were going to judge. It was Friday night, neither of you had work tomorrow, and it was so damn good. There was no harm in letting loose and indulging in the fun adult drinks.

His keys were on the coffee table next to the black wine bottle along with his phone, and you must have eyed them for longer than you thought because next thing you knew, his hand was trailing up your back as he pushed himself up, capturing your attention.

“Sleepover?” Jimin said, locks of his pink hair falling into his gaze.

Smiling, you hummed in agreement, partially relieved that he wouldn’t go out driving, and partially thriving at the idea of waking up next to him tomorrow morning.

“Good, that means I can do this then…”

You frowned at first, suddenly gasping as the glass clinked against the rings on his fingers when he took your glass and raised it to his lips, successfully drinking about half of it in one gulp.

“You have your own glass,” you whined, pouting at the small amount he had left for you.

Jimin only grinned, setting the glass down on the table before pulling you close until he was able to claim you for a kiss. His lips tasted rich like cherries, and whether it was the wine talking or not, but he felt more intoxicating than anything you’ve ever had.

He swiped his tongue against your bottom lip before slipping in, his arms wrapping around your waist as the kiss grew in intensity, your hands unashamedly going under his t-shirt to roam up his body. Before you were able to crawl on top of him, he broke the kiss.

“No offense,” Jimin said, kissing your forehead to make up for suddenly stopping. “But your couch sucks to have sex on.”

That put a halt to where you mind had been going, recalling the one time the two of you ended up fucking on the couch. It had been rushed and both of you were too horny to even think about going to the bedroom.

“Yeah,” you agreed, giggling as you stood, taking the bottle and slipping your own glass between your fingers. With a coy smile, you walked backwards to your bedroom. “Good thing I have a fucking awesome bed though.”

His laughter filled the room as he swiped up his own glass, hurrying after you, and not just because you were holding the rest of wine hostage with the promise of sex, but because you were the one sweetly carrying his heart.

Blinking your eyes open, you frowned as you stared up at the ceiling, cold sweat making your hair stick to your forehead, the sheets wet underneath your back. You glanced to your side, the bright red numbers of the clock reading 3:00 A.M in the dark room, and on your right, Jimin’s soft snores reassured you that he was still asleep.

So why were you wide awake?

With careful movements, you moved so you were sitting on the edge of the bed, ignoring how the air hit your wet back. It was as if someone had turned up the heat despite it being summer. Everything was pointing towards a bad dream, it wouldn’t have been the first time that you woke up from a nightmare, unable to recall it but be drenched in sweat. It was with that mindset that you leaned down to pick up Jimin’s shirt, slipping it on to go to the bathroom, but the moment you stood on your own feet, the world slanted.

You barely caught yourself against the wall as you stumbled forward, feeling lost in a haze as you kept walking until you felt the sharp coldness of wooden floors on the bottom of your feet. The faint glow of the orange nightlight in a socket was blurry, acting as a guide as you stumbled around, trying to reach the kitchen table.

The meter. You needed your meter.

Head heavy, your heart raced in your chest when you suddenly felt the floor underneath you. A sharp pain slicing through your hip and a harsh whack had your leg aching, but it cleared away the haze, allowing you to think as you leaned against what you felt to be the couch.

Your eyes had adjusted to the darkness but you didn’t dare risk standing, but you couldn’t just sit there. There was nothing within your reach for you to grab and make noise. The last time something like this had happened was back in high school, and that had been when you ended up in the hospital. Whimpering, your body felt heavy as you tried to move, the soft pap sound of footsteps echoing in the short hallway barely catching your attention.

“Baby? I heard a thud, you okay?”

The light suddenly came on, burning your eyes as you tried to move, but like when you had first stood up, your head felt twenty pounds heavier, forcing you to lean back against the couch.

“What the fuck? Baby?!”

Jimin’s feet slammed against the floor as he hurried to sit in front of you, eyes wide awake as he cupped your cheek and wrapped an arm around your waist to bring you to rest against his chest. His fingers were blissfully cold compared to your heated skin, and for several moments, all you could focus on was his touch, unable to hear him call out your name several times.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you shakily inhaled as you tried to focus and ignore the way the world seemed to suddenly tilt again. “My meter,” you said, your voice hoarse. “I need to check my blood. Something…something’s wrong.”

Vaguely you pointed towards the kitchen table, but luckily, Jimin had seen you place the meter there on multiple occasions. After leaning you against the couch again, he hurried to the table, pushing random notebooks and mail out of the way to find the purple bag. With a tug at the zipper, it revealed the meter and pen you needed.

“Hey baby, stay awake, please.” Jimin said, gently touching the side of your face, still holding on to the bag and its contents. Despite having watched you use them; he didn’t understand how to work the machine.

Maneuvering his way behind you once again, his legs were on either side of you as he pulled you to his chest. The shirt you wore was damp and he tried to move your hair off your neck and forehead.

It took a few moments, hands fumbling as you put a test strip into the meter and using the pen to prick your finger, the blood pooling up without even having to squeeze the area. The screen beeped as it calculated the glucose level, beeping again with a final result.

“It says fifty,” Jimin read aloud. “Is that…is that not good?”

“No,” you said, eyes wide as you stared at the meter, knowing that it would get worse if it got any lower. “It’s too low, I need…sugar. Orange juice, ice cream, something.”

Lifting your hand up to the arm of the chair, you tried to pull yourself up to get something, but Jimin’s heart raced at the prospect of you trying to walk around in this state, so he held you tighter to keep you on the ground and stood up himself.

“I’ll get it,” he said. He didn’t even give you a chance to argue. Instead he hurried to get the food you had mentioned, already figuring that you needed stuff that either had natural sugars, or were found in the junk food.

His arms were full with food and dishes when he came back, not knowing what exactly you wanted or would be best for this situation. Even though he wanted to help out, wanted to make this easier and go away, he had no idea what to do. Never in his life had he come across a situation that was like this. All he knew was that from the way you were moving so slow and how there was little to no color to your skin, this wasn’t normal.

This wasn’t how you wanted to tell Jimin. Out of every scenario that you’ve mulled over, this wasn’t even in the top twenty. To find you in a state like this so soon in the relationship must be a scene out of a nightmare for him.

Seeing the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream he had gotten out, you reached over and grabbed it along with the spoon. The treat was rarely touched since it was stashed away for special occasions that you treated yourself to, but this time you took a spoonful of the Half Baked delight, wishing that this was a chance where you could relax and enjoy it.

While you were eating that spoonful, Jimin quietly removed himself from you. He didn’t speak as he went into the bathroom, the water running loudly in the otherwise silent house before it was turned off just as quickly, and returned to his place behind you. It was without a word that he gently gathered your hair, bringing it into the messy bun that you always threw it up in when the two of you decided on having a lazy day. The task at hand was almost all but forgotten when the cold cloth was set on the back of your neck.

The gesture itself had your eyes stinging, the reality of everything suddenly crashing around you and how this could have gone if Jimin wasn’t here. The shirt was originally Jimin’s and while his clothes usually hung on you, had been clinging to your skin and making it impossible for you to forget about. It hadn’t been the biggest concern you had at the moment, which forced you to put it to the back of your mind for the time being.

A stray whimper escaped your lips, capturing Jimin’s attention as you set the ice cream container down to cover your face with your hands, silencing the cries and trying to hide from him. He wasn’t running away or staring at you like something was wrong, nor was he accusing you of lying and deceiving him. Instead, he simply rested his chin on your shoulder, leaving soft kisses on your neck and cheeks.

“Don’t cry baby,” Jimin murmured, tilting his head to add a kiss to your shaking shoulders. “We’ll discuss this later. Right now, let’s get your blood sugar where it needs to be.”

As reassuring as that was, it only made you cry harder, the tears slipping through your fingers and dripping on to your thighs. He was right. You needed to focus on your blood sugar, but his soft whispers and the way his hands gently rubbed and squeezed your legs meant so much more.

For the first time in so long, a guy wasn’t disgusted by you. Instead he was here, doing the things that he could to help, and he was loving you.

When you finally felt like you could keep going, you sniffed and lifted your head, the lightest of touches caressing your cheek had your heart thumping. Again, you checked your blood. It went up ten points, but you sighed, and scooped out another spoonful of the ice cream in an attempt to raise it. It would probably be sky high by the time morning arrived, but it wasn’t going up fast enough at the moment.

Over the course of an hour, you sat on the floor in-between Jimin’s legs, checking your blood every ten minutes to see if it had gone up, and alternating between spoonsful of ice cream, cups of orange juice and peanut butter crackers, a combination that had your nose scrunching up every time.

Jimin stayed the entire time, only getting up to put away some of the food that you weren’t eating. Even after that he retook his spot and held you just tight enough to remind you that he wasn’t letting you go.

By the time it finally reached one hundred, you pushed the container of ice cream away from you and leaned back into Jimin’s embrace. It was still low. No longer did you feel out of control of your body, the sweat had dried to your skin and if you were to stand, you were certain that there wouldn’t be any more stumbling on your part. Although you doubted that Jimin would let you out of his sight for the next few days.

Neither of you spoke right away.

Wide awake in the dead of night, apparently not seeing any other option, Jimin reached out for the ice cream and took a spoonful for himself. The gesture itself was so simple, so ordinary, as if the two of you always woke up at the hour dedicated to artists who found solace under the stars and moon, to share a pint of ice cream on the living room floor, that you giggled.

Raising an eyebrow, the corner of Jimin’s mouth curled upwards at the sound of your laugh. He hadn’t realized that this scare would make him miss such a pretty sound so much. Licking the rest of the spoon clean as he maintained eye contact with you, he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively to make you laugh once more.

As much as you would rather spend the rest of the time making each other laugh and eating to your heart’s desire, you knew that he was owed an explanation to everything that’s happened.

“I was diagnosed in high school,” you said. Your gaze fell from his face to the floor, only then noticing that Jimin didn’t have any pants on. He had come rushing out in only his boxers and stayed in them this entire time. “I’m a type two diabetic, which means that my body produces the insulin that it needs, but for some reason my body doesn’t process it and rejects it.”

Jimin patiently listened to your explanation. As you spoke, the invisible weight that had settled on your shoulders when you decided to hide this part of your life was being chipped away at, piece by piece until it felt like you were free. The nerves didn’t fly away, instead they settled nicely in your stomach for the time being, not making themselves known until you closed your mouth, waiting for his reaction.

He took a deep breath, moving his hand to run it through his hair. “Does this happen a lot? Your levels dropping like this?”

“No. This…” you set a hand on his thigh, shaking your head. “I don’t know what happened. I took my shot before dinner, and then I took my night one.”

“Baby, I never saw you take any shot.”

Pressing your lips together, you closed your eyes, the butterflies having found the perfect moment to take flight right then and there. This was it, the moment you had been dreading this entire time. “I… I had my bag with my insulin pens and needles hiding in the bathroom.” You admitted.

His eyes scanned over you, making a mental note that you wouldn’t look at him and how your kept on rubbing your arm. Suddenly it made sense why you were always sneaking off to the restroom anytime the two of you went out to eat, and how you’d tap your nails and watch for the waiter when it took longer than you expected for the food to come out. “How long have you been hiding this?”

“Since we started dating.”

Jimin’s arms tightened around your waist, the reassuring weight of his head on your shoulder was now gone, and in that split second, your heart stopped. He was moving away, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be with you anymore, he—

Suddenly you were no longer staring at the floor in front of you, but Jimin’s bare chest until his fingers lifted your chin, forcing you to look him straight on. His dark brown eyes that usually disappeared when he was smiling and laughing, appeared to be drowning in the tears that slid down his cheeks.

“Why…why wouldn’t you tell me?” He asked, his voice light and cracking with every word while his bottom lip trembled. “What if I wasn’t here? You…you could have been on the floor until morning. And if this is how you get when it’s this low, it would have been worse if you waited to get help, or until someone found you.”

His hands were roaming around your back as he spoke, unable to settle down, like he had to constantly reassure himself that you were conscious and talking to him. It was only when he shook his head, a soft coo leaving his lips as he cupped your cheeks to run his fingers underneath your eyes, that you realized that you were crying too.

Leaning down, he pressed his forehead against yours, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that you had hid this from him. All he could think about was you being alone when this happened. It tore at him the possibility of you ending up in the hospital, or worse, you laying on the ground until you either made your way to a phone, or someone stumbling upon you on accident.

It plagued his heart, making it ache as he tilted his head to gently kiss your forehead. “Baby, why didn’t you tell me?”

It was such a simple reason for why you didn’t, but one that was without a doubt, rooted in your own selfish desire to protect yourself. Most importantly, to protect your heart from having to deal with constantly being let down by the men you let into your life. The idea had sprung out of fear and doubt, but every day that you spent with Jimin was enough to set those thoughts aside.

All the silly dates. The terrifying night where he let you help him dye his hair, the way his fingers traced your body with paths he long since memorized, and an afternoon where the two of you stayed inside while rain pattered against the windows when he suddenly said I love you, were enough to make you realize that Jimin wasn’t going run away.

Your eyes stung and tears slipped faster down your cheeks as you moved to press your forehead against his chest, his arms hugging your tightly. There was nothing for you to grip on to except his body, but you held on to him anyway.

Sensing that this ran deeper than you were ready to admit, Jimin gently kissed your cheek, resting his head against yours as he held you, softly stroking your back. His own back was sore from being hunched over for the last hour or so, and sitting on the floor was starting to leave an ache in his ass, but he was going to stay right there. As long as you needed him, he was going to be there, wherever and whenever you wanted him.

“It’s okay baby,” he said once your tears slowed down in volume. “We’re in this together, I promise.”

Those words had you wanting to cry all over again. For the first time in so long, someone wanted to stay with you, to help you, to love you for you, and that included the fact that you needed to constantly check your blood sugar and take insulin with your meals, and an additional one before bed. It was terrifying, a first, but so freeing at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, shakily kissing his chest in an attempt to fix some of the damage your secret has done. “I’m so sorry Jimin.”

He didn’t speak. Instead, he kissed your cheek again, his arms tightening just the slightest. Condensation from the ice cream was pooling on the floor and the mini candy bars that he had found were scattered about. Your meter was right beside him. Outside, the birds that had made their homes in the trees near your apartment were singing their sweet lungs out, a noise that usually made both of you want to bury your faces in the pillows. This time, it had Jimin looking towards the bay window and the sheer yellow curtains.

It was still dark out, but within an hour, the night sky would give birth to morning.

Glancing down, he saw that your legs were already wrapped around his waist. With no other reason not to, Jimin carefully stood up, using one arm to pull himself up by the couch and the other keeping a hold on you. He ignored the yelps and questions that left your mouth.

Instead, he settled down on the bay window and stretched his legs out in front of him, only loosening his grip on you when he was certain you wouldn’t slip and fall on the ground.

“What are you doing?” You said, cautiously letting go of Jimin to straighten up. It wasn’t the first time that he ever picked you up without warning, in fact, his habit of doing so was close to becoming normal. That didn’t mean you wouldn’t like a warning in advance occasionally.

He leaned backwards against the window pane, drawing his right leg up until he was able to prop his arm on his knee as he smiled at you. “Have you ever seen the sun rise?”

The question was so random, so opposite of everything that had been happening for the last hour and yet, your mind honed in on it and took advantage of the its simplicity. Shaking your head, Jimin’s smile grew as he tapped his thigh. His own way to gesture for you to turn and rest against his chest that you had learned early on in the relationship.

“The ice cream’s going to melt.”

You turned around however, once again leaning backwards against Jimin’s chest as his free arm encircled your body, pulling you firming in place.

“We’ll take care of that later. We’ll take care of everything later, I promise. Right now, I just want to watch the sun rise, with you.”

“You’re not mad at me?” You suddenly asked, staring at the early morning sky.

The other apartments and houses in the neighborhood were nothing more but shadows for the time being, and you weren’t entirely sure if the living room was facing the east or not. You didn’t tell him that though.

“No baby,” Jimin softly said, staring at the sky as well. “I’m a bit disappointed, and honestly, I’m still a little scared about what happened. But I’m not mad at you.”

Feeling his chest lift with a deep breath, you relaxed in his embrace. This wasn’t the end of the conversation. He deserved a real explanation for why you never told him, and he would get it this time.

As you shifted slightly, Jimin adjusted his arm with your movements, a soft chuckle escaping when you played with some of the silver rings that he had forgotten to take off before going to sleep.

“I love you.”

Your fingers paused, watching his fingers move and lace themselves with yours, calming your heart so it was no longer racing. Any butterflies that had been hanging around in-case there was a to be a second round of sudden doubt finally settled down, allowing you to enjoy this moment with Jimin. Instead of fear, a blanket of content draped itself on top of you.

“I love you too,” you said, bringing his hand up to your lips to kiss.

Somewhere out there, a bird was returning the melody of another song under the moonlight, and running on only a few hours of sleep wasn’t ideal. While it wasn’t the night that you planned or expected to have, as you waited for the sun to rise, Jimin occasionally running his thumb over your knuckles, there wasn’t anywhere else you wanted to be.

It wasn’t planned, nor was the leading up to it ideal, but it was pretty damn perfect.

[angria]

Session started off grand when T was 10 minutes late.  At least he acknowledged it, but I was already too upset to hear it.  Even though I know he would add the lost time at the end of the session.

Moved into talking about going to my home-state (and parents) for the holidays, which I’m dreading.  As I was describing all the triggering things I’m worried about, T mentioned the argument over my car.  In the 9 years that I’ve lived in the city, I have never done the 7 hour drive to my home-state.  Mainly because parents would never let me and I wasn’t in a place where I could argue and fight back.  This time, I was fairly insistent that I drive, considering I finally had my car when I visited this past summer (my friend drove with me).  Except mother kept making excuse after excuse for why I should not drive: Making the drive by myself, my dad worrying too much, I don’t use it enough while I’m there, the tolls and gas cost too much money.  Once she mentioned the gas and tolls, I backed down because it seemed to make sense.

I told this to T during Sunday night’s check-in and I could tell he was angry at mother, but no more than usual.  At least I thought.  When we started talking about it in session, he was legitimately fucking pissed.  Actually going off about how that is such manipulative bullshit and prime example of guilt-tripping.  Once again, it took me by surprise because the exchange between mother and me seemed like usual.  Normal.  I knew it was manipulative, but still thought there was some reason behind it.  Plus my head was spinning by the time she brought up the money, so I backed down and gave up.  T said absolutely not.  There is no logic.  There is no reason in any of her control tactics.  And she should not have done that to me.  It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him so worked up over something mother has done.  Which just goes to show you how ingrained it is to make it seem normal, no different than other things.  Like, I should be as upset as he is. And that in of itself makes my head spin.  How much else am I still unaware of? Think is normal?

T wants to make an escape plan tomorrow to keep me out of the house when needed.  Since things are already tense following the whole narcissistic/I-love-you triggering conversation.  I know I’m going to have nightmares every night.  So that’s going to wear me down to the point where I’m so sensitive to anything potentially triggering.  Then, with 10ish minutes left, I thought it was a great idea to mention another fear of going to my home-state.  I wrote a long post about my thoughts, which have been in my head for years, but circling more for some reason.  Except I was too afraid to post it....so please don’t comment on this part...I’m incredibly uncertain and not attention seeking....and will speak with my own therapist about it...For multiple (potential) reasons, I’m afraid I have some sort of csa in my history, particularly the severe dissociation during a specific time-period. Only because some of my memories (or lack there of), certain symptoms, her, and events at hellhole just don’t add up within the context of emotional/verbal abuse and neglect.  Including one repeated thing that I have not told a single person in my life because I’m so deeply ashamed and embarrassed of it.  As I listed all the possible examples, I told T there is something else, but I didn’t want to say it.  Even hinting at it made me want to disappear.  There is so much fear and shame in telling anyone.  I forget what T said, but I mentioned it having to do with something sexual.  He told me he figured it had something to do with that, based on the context.  Which horrified me....is it that obvious?  Even without me saying anything?  Why am I even bringing this up?  I’m so afraid to tell him....I don’t want him to see me differently.

Of course we had to end there.  I’m looking down and rubbing my face, trying to avoid his eyes.  So much shame washing over me.  T paused for a bit until he said something that always makes me break down in tears: “No matter what, when it comes to childhood trauma, it was not your fault.  It was never your fault.  Doesn’t matter what happened or what you “did.”  It was not your fault.  I say this because you need to hear it over and over again.  And I will continue to repeat it: It was not your fault.” 

[kamiyu910]

All right, @the-defiant-pupil​, I’ll see what sort of research paper I can throw together here concerning Corona-chan.

Right now, we’re going on fatality rate based on known/confirmed cases. This global fatality rate is currently at 7.1%, with 3,253,181 confirmed cases and 233,014 deaths. We’re still lacking a lot of data, such as China withholding so much, and with other countries only testing those with symptoms while ignoring the high percentage who are asymptomatic.

https://gisanddata.maps.arcgis.com/apps/opsdashboard/index.html#/bda7594740fd40299423467b48e9ecf6

Antibody tests are now being used to tell who has had the virus, and to see if they’re actually immune to it, which would allow them to go back to work. This also allows us to see exactly how far Corona-chan has spread, and this data is being used to show a slightly different picture for a mortality rate, since it helps identify those who were asymptomatic. Countries that don’t count asymptomatic people show a might higher fatality rate because they only count the people who seek medical help.

https://www.livescience.com/coronavirus-antibody-tests.html

In the US, there are still places that are barely testing, and only testing those who show symptoms, such as the largest county in the country, the San Bernardino County. Currently, we’re listed at 2058 cases, with only 93 deaths, putting us at a 4.5% fatality rate. We cannot take that at face value, however, because even those with mild symptoms are being turned away, and those with no symptoms are being ignored. Out of a population of 2.18 million, only 20,000 have been tested. That’s 0.09% of our entire population. We’ve known about this virus since at least December last year, it has been in the US for months, yet we lack so much information.

https://sbcph.maps.arcgis.com/apps/opsdashboard/index.html#/44bb35c804c44c8281da6d82ee602dff

https://coronavirus.1point3acres.com/en

Some sources say the true mortality rate is:

“In the new analysis, the death rate in confirmed COVID-19 cases is estimated to be 1.38%, while the overall rate, which includes estimated unconfirmed cases, is calculated at .66%.”

https://www.webmd.com/lung/news/20200331/covid-19-death-rate-drops-still-deadly-to-seniors

https://time.com/5798168/coronavirus-mortality-rate/

In this post by Berkeley, they say:

“A comparison of daily deaths in Italy since January 2020 with those over the previous five years there indicates that the fatality rate in that country for those infected with the new coronavirus is at least 0.8%, far higher than that of the seasonal flu and higher than some recent estimates.Extrapolating from the Italian data, University of California, Berkeley, and Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory data scientists estimate that the fatality rate in New York City and Santa Clara County in California can be no less than 0.5%, or one of every 200 people infected.”

“The difference, the researchers say, is likely due to many deaths among older people that have not been counted in the official Italian statistics. The team found a much higher fatality rate for those over 70 years of age: In Lombardy, a region hit hard by the pandemic, those between 70 and 79 had a 2.3% infection fatality rate, while those 80 to 89 had an almost 6% fatality rate. Nearly 13% of those over 90 died.In comparison, those 40 to 49 had a 0.04% fatality rate.

In comparison, those 40 to 49 had a 0.04% fatality rate.These differing fatality rates can explain the observed higher number of deaths among younger people in New York City. Because the population there is younger than in Italy, more deaths among young people are expected, despite their lower fatality rate. The researchers predict that about 26% of all deaths from COVID-19 in New York City will be among those younger than 65.

The population of Italy, on the other hand, is older, yielding a higher overall fatality rate for the country’s population: 0.8%, versus 0.5% for New York. Only 10% of Italian deaths will be younger than 65.The team also estimated, based on the predicted fatality rate for those infected with the new coronavirus and the positivity rate for those tested for COVID-19 in New York City, that about one-quarter of that city’s population has been infected with the virus. This agrees with the recent announcement by New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo of 21% infection.The team’s predicted infection rate for Santa Clara is around 1%, while that for Los Angeles is around 2%, based on current mortality rates.”

https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/04/24/study-challenges-reports-of-low-fatality-rate-for-covid-19/

So if an area has a higher rate of elderly, they will have a higher fatality rate than an area where the population is young. If a rest home gets hit, it will be devastating, whereas if a nursery gets hit, it’ll probably not even be noticeable, though that doesn’t mean they’re immune, there will be a couple of kids who may need hospital care, and the potential for other side effects that’ll become more apparent later on (still waiting for more studies to be done to confirm this). 

There is a lot of fear mongering being pushed on people with all the misinformation out there, and people are actively allowing their governments to become controlling dictatorships out of fear. It is possible to maintain safety measures while opening up businesses so that the economies don’t collapse. We don’t have to go so extreme as to destroy ourselves out of fear. People are going to die one way or another, whether it be from Corona-chan or from a man made famine.

Take the US for instance. Farmers are being made to dump tons of food, perfectly good food, because they’re being told there isn’t a market for it just because certain businesses are closed, like schools. There are plenty of other places that need the food.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/new-york-dairy-farmers-feel-the-squeeze-from-coronavirus-as-milk-sales-dry-up-11588183989

https://www.miamiherald.com/news/coronavirus/article241627101.html

https://www.chron.com/news/article/Farmers-seek-help-selling-crops-while-volunteers-15238489.php

My milk.... all of that precious milk...

We do not have to go this far, people. We do not have to go to the extreme! This is fucking ridiculous. 

I’ve seen this screenshot going around as well, not sure how accurate it is but if they cut off the supply chain, which is possible, it can be a reality. I’ve talked to more than a few people who have no idea how to keep a store of food to last a few months, and apparently it’s common for people to just have food for a week in the fridge/freezer/pantry. I don’t understand how that’s possible...

On top of all that, the government is overreaching on their control issues, going so far as to turn off electric and water to businesses that refuse to close

https://calepa.ca.gov/2020/04/02/news-release-governor-issues-water-shutoff-order-and-takes-steps-to-maintain-delivery-of-critical-water-services-during-covid-19-crisis/

https://abcnews.go.com/US/small-business-owners-file-suit-gov-newsom-ca/story?id=70365949

Not to mention all of these headlines, like what timeline are we living in that they feel these levels of invasion are necessary? You can fight a virus without going to this length of control! 

Not to mention New York itself, like really?

And while I can kinda understand wanting to prevent large parties from happening, they’re going after single people having a walk in the wilderness and arresting them for it, or going after a couple of dudes on a rooftop having a cold one, even boaters are getting arrested, despite practicing social distancing, yet we’re allowed to still go to the store? However, in some places like Michigan, they even have police checking bags for essential items...

Which, btw, is also a point of interest, as being allowed to buy seeds has been banned in many areas, but lotto tickets are still available for purchase. There aren’t near enough articles detailing all the things that people are slowly finding out are being restricted/outlawed, and honestly, the more I see people calling on some random person taking a lone walk around a neighborhood, the more I think of this meme:

In many ways, I’m more concerned with the government destroying us than the virus. Many governments around the world are taking advantage of this to tighten the leash. This is completely unnecessary. The main reason for the lockdown isn’t to prevent people from getting the disease - it’s pretty much just accepted that we will eventually get it - but to lighten the load on hospitals so we don’t end up overloaded like Italy, where they have to decide who to let die. The Netherlands is reportedly doing similar.

“...in the Netherlands as in Belgium, euthanasia has been applied for years, according to the authorities, “voluntary”. However, in Germany, and in France, Spain and Italy, they have received elderly patients from these countries to be cured, not of coronaviruses, but of anything, because they do not trust the hospitals of their country: euthanasia is not Voluntary, they say, nor is it respected - not infrequently - the will of the person to whom euthanasia is applied.”

https://es.aleteia.org/2020/03/28/coronavirus-dejar-a-los-viejos-que-mueran/

I can understand wanting to ease the load on hospitals, but again, house arrest is not necessary. These measures being taken are too extreme. Some governors in the US have eased up on their restrictions, and the number of cases has not risen dramatically like some people spreading fear claimed. Our hospitals are not being overrun with cases. 

In fact, the number is going down. Plus, look at the number of beds. It doesn’t mean I want more people to get sick, but we have to be logical about this and think about more than just the illness. We cannot keep letting the government say “money printer go brrrr” (not to  mention the insider trading they were doing, like this shit is blatant, the corruption can be cut with a knife)

If we head into another depression, there will be many more millions of people who will die. People in poverty are at most risk for illness in general, and greater health problems, and malnutrition, and they will be the most hit in a depression, obviously. The elderly who get made homeless will basically be guaranteed to suffer badly. We can balance this out so that we can save the economy (as long as it’s not too late) and protect people from the illness as well as keep hospitals from being overloaded. Balance is the best way to protect everyone. I know people seem to have an aversion to moderation for some reason these days, but it really is a good thing here. Balance the needs of everyone.