#all the flashbacks and nightmares
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Her has been hovering close for days as I head to my home-state tomorrow as well as the massive amount of attachment shit with T lately.
I'm so sick of these weird/bad dreams about her or hellhole, or some attachment shit connected to T. Feeling little, alone, afraid. The void pulsating and bleeding into all aspects of life. I try to challenge the thoughts and urges, but I’m so utterly exhausted.
Picture of her below....
Been looking through my her tag and phone album. I just don’t understand how people missed it? The fear, the pain, the sorrow in her eyes? Shying away from everyone, everything? But no, she was a good girl. Perfect, silent, invisible. Nothing.
I think this was from 5th grade. During the worst years. Just feel numb looking at her....
#cptsd#trauma#abuse#smshellhole#triggers#all the flashbacks and nightmares#intrusive thoughts#disordered attachment#her#dissociation#never stood a chance#you ruined me#you are nothing#just want to rip my skin off#angriadm
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turnabout kids and their sprites! ive had an ask laying around in my inbox about them for far too long lmfao, so ive finally decided to draw em out
jane: mime porcelain doll + poppop
dirk: seagull + hal
roxy: wizard figurine + frigglish
jake: gcat + his dreamself
#homestuck#homestuck turnabout#turnabout au#homestuck au#jane crocker#jake english#dirk strider#roxy lalonde#poppop#frigglish#lil hal#hal strider#gcat#ive thought if it should be frigglish or mutie thatd be roxys sprite but i thunk frigglish fits more#since in canon mom was the one who got mutie i imagine in tb itd be rose whod get mutie this time#idunno if this makes sense homestuck is too complicated for my brain sometimes#also jane gets harassed with mimes instead of clowns#i think it fits with kurloz giving her nightmares through chucklevoodos and parallels with johns clowns nicely#while still making jack pissed off about his new fit bc of all the frills hell have to wear#leading to him becoming jack cat?? cat noir?? *miraculous ladybug flashbacks*
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How many times do you think Sanji’s looked at Luffy post wci and instead of seeing regular perfectly fine Luffy he sees a bloodied beaten Luffy
#the way sanji has kicked Luffy once post wci#do you think he has nightmares about it#does he dream of it all going wrong#if he pushed a little harder and actually killed Luffy or came close to it#like the actual cut between the flashback and Luffy is making me insane#sanji#luffy#Sanlu#lusan#wci#jambles#jess reads one piece#one piece#whole cake island
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So now i have migraines apparently 😭
#wahh#it started this morning and i had to lay down this afternoon#all the stress of the past 24 hours i guess#it’s like a nightmare#literally having flashbacks to 2016#not as bad the second time lol starting to get used to it#real dark#never ever underestimate how much america hates women#the saddest part is that u can just See It#all of the men / a lot of them / where i live act like him#big fat misogynistic jerks#they’re all such cruel bullies#im trying not to let it get to me but it’s hard#one day at a time#there’s so many good people out there too#kind nice people#idk#kinda feels like drowning rn#but u gotta keep going#sometimes thinking about all the art i want to make is literally the only thing that keeps me going#so that’s good!#make stuff#draw paint write whatever#and fuck trump#notes tag#i couldn’t stand the thought of there being any doubt#so#i hate trump#boooo
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For the FNAF 2 movie, I wish they’d shift the main character to be Vanessa and have Mike be the side character cause it feels like we should be following Vanessa now because she’s so pivotal to the William story as opposed to Mike. Because by the end of the FNAF 1 movie, Mike and Abby both seem in a position where they’re kind of satisfied with where they are and have had their character arc, relationship repaired and situation stable and all that (especially in the movie novel since mike had a construction job by the scene in Vanessa’s hospital room). Their only loose end is Garrett, who Mike kind of accepts that he needs to let go and focus on Abby (and who is kind of avenged by his killer dying) and Jane. Who isn’t exactly the most important character.
Meanwhile, it feels like Vanessa has more backstory and character and motivation to explore than ever before. Especially because Mike doesn’t have the same motivations as in the games because he’s not related to William in any way so he has no reason to keep chasing him down but Vanessa does.
Like it feels that with Mike protag, the FNAF 2 movie is only gonna have him be there to follow Vanessa’s plot.
#and i know that they’re never gonna do Vanessa protag cause they’d lose audience from having a female protagonist :((#which fucking sucks#i do really hope they do the opening scene as vanessa’s nightmares during her coma to set up the tone and plot of the whole movie#since we know there’s gonna be flashbacks#(there’s no reason to spend all the money casting matthew lillard if he’s not even gonna show his face)#anyways that’s my vanessa ramble of the day#fnaf vanessa#vanessa shelly#vanessa afton#fnaf movie#five nights at freddy's
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2/2 for mv bamboozlement on the past 2 fridays btw. i’m looking forward to next week’s mv of subverted expectations
#watch as next week’s preview is a picture of a beach that hints a nagisa mv. but tooooo bad it’s actually an mv about an ft4 beach holiday#at this point i’ll be more surprised if kimikawaii mv even drops this year.#(pls drop next week so i can end the daily nagisa nightmare aaaaaaa)#but i’ll forgive ‘em if they drop a new mona halloween song~~~~~~ more mona is always appreciated!!!!!#(if they do i’ll finally polish up my old shame: my mis-tled halloween mona honeypre event story)#(tf was past me thinking??? ‘if you don’t give me any treats i’ll fanservice you’???? what an idiot i was for tling it directly)#(‘treat or fanservice’ or ‘fanservice or treat’ would’ve been shorter and sweeter and gotten the point across)#(since the og was a play on the way ‘trick or treak’ is said in jp… and i didnt get it at all till minami’s flashback portion. what a fool.)#anyways that’s just my tl-er’s regret for the day. bye lads. see y’all later for the daily nagisa nightmare
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man. sometimes i wish our amnesic barriers would just amnesic barrier. i like i can "give" our protectors my memories but i still partially remember them, but i don't feel them as strongly anymore. but they're still there and it bothers me
#we get pretty traumatic nightmares constantly#that's actually like. 98% of all of our dreams for the last further-than-i-have-existed#and the One dream that i can vaguely remember not being traumatic split a new guy#whose job was to take those dreams#so we're not dealing with 'flashbacks' to it for like hours afterwards whilst trying to do shit#but our amnesia is genuinely Not Good Enough sometimes#(not that we have that much to begin with)#f: cesario (he/sea)#pluralgang#plural system#plurality
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Society has fallen down ever since Shio stopped making an appearance in chapters.
#shio yotsurugi#my beloved daddy#tsk tsk tsk wakui#why would you create a perfect masterpiece of a character then toss it aside#idc if he'll show up later i need him to show up dramatically and cause a scene EVERY chapter along with complimentary familial chaos#he better show up next chapter or the next flight will stop at Wakui's house#even if in a flashback or a nightmare sequence or smth#and preferably all oiled up and flexing those arm tattoos#...mind your own business it's for personal reasons#but actually i need to see more and more of him i don't want him to only appear again in the final arc likely four years later#such a great potential of EYVIL rich man who does EEEYVAL deeds with a side if ANGST and DRAMA#OH I LOVE IT#but especially those yummy biceps and that buff physique and the very expensive outfits and how could forget the tentacles astro Mmmmm#purely suckable- fuckable- wreckable- LIKEABLE LIKEABLE I MEAN LIKEABLE-#FUUUUUCK#negai no astro#astro royale#daddy shio
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Some memes in light of The Amazing Digital Circus pilot dropping! 💜
🎪 If you use/reupload these anywhere please credit me! 🎪
#no but cropping out Caine took sooooo long#I'll make a seperate post with just the transparent Caine when I wake up later#I'm exhausted from cleaning him up & getting rid of stray pixels#cropping a red character out of a red background is a living nightmare!#hope the people at glitch studios & gooseworx appreciate these lol & hope you all do too! 💜#I'm more proud of the Caine one; Kaufmo was already cropped on the wikia; but he unfortunately only has one real detailed shot atm & that's#from the twitter promo; but the backgroud coloring & removing Megamind from it was quite a bother at times#not my best edit; but I'm proud of these! 🥰✌#I hope we see a flashback or something of kaufmo; I'm still wondering why a full model was made & colored & everything 🤔🤡#mine#op#the amazing digital circus#tadc#tw clowns#tadc fanart#art#graphic design is art; it counts!#kaufmo#caine
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impulse posting a snippet from the next fic in the star wars au bc I'm so so thankful to have been able to write anything at all today (this fic already has a title, but it's alternate name is 'Yamada Hizashi's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Star Wars AU')
#he is having the worst possible time which is one of the reasons this story keeps getting dropped like a truly scalding potato#however i haven't had the time or the energy to work on anything for like. over a week at this point. well over a week.#thank you sleeping at last i knew i could count on you etc#i do love this fic even though it is Painful bc present mic!! surprise guest stars!! jedizawa flashbacks!! answers to Inquisitor Questions!#it has it all!!#liza writes#star wars au#yamada hizashi#edit: i should add this isn't the thing i wrote today. what i worked on today was the nightmare >:)
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Some Gibson wisdom. The Call, Option 1 always slams into me. When I first heard them perform this poem during one of their virtual shows, I broke down into convulsing sobs.
Two weeks until I visit my home-state. Going back to that environment--the subtle, silent triggers, the nightmares, the flashbacks. The overwhelming, trapping sense of fear that robs my chest of its breath. Flinching at the slightest sound. Always anticipating he will come around the corner, finding me. All these years later.
I try to remind myself...I survived him. I survived that hell. I'm still here. And my voice is alive now.
#cptsd#trauma#abuse#smshellhole#main abuser#her#triggers#all the flashbacks and nightmares#survival#recovery#self compassion#poetry saves lives#angriadm
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still stuck on mhok's trauma, unsurprisingly. i keep thinking about the opening scenes of this show, showing us day losing his sight, and mhok losing rung. i really thought that the show would spend equal time and care on both
my first post about this show was pointing out that the first shot of day is a close up of his eyes, and the first time we see mhok, he's holding something in his mouth. and i thought it was so interesting that we see mhok gagged, because society generally doesn't care what people who've been incarcerated have to say. or poor people. and by and large, it doesn't care about the voices of traumatized people, either
and i was so curious to see what the show was going to do with that. i can't believe the show itself was never really interested in what mhok has to say
and i'm stuck on mhok's time in hawaii. the show highlighted over and over again how poor he is, and we know that he didn't like studying. what are his english skills like? we saw singha there, and i think one other thai person. was that the extent of his social circle? he seemed pretty happy to leave hawaii behind, so did he make no new friends? did he spend his days off just sitting in his room by himself, the way day did when he went to songkla with mhok?
i assume he and porjai were still in touch, but he moved abroad at a time when his ptsd was getting worse, and in the wake of a terrible breakup, and he just walked all of that off? alone???
feeling overly protective and over-responsible is absolutely an understandable trauma response for mhok, but you know what else is? losing a relationship, and feeling like you HAVE to go back and fix it, and that if you can just get a do-over, you'll be able to do everything perfectly this time, and you'll get everything right, and everything will be okay! this makes more sense to me in the final episode than the idea of mhok and day having a happily ever after does
#last twilight the series#last twilight#the thing is i don't think his healing journey had to be explicitly shown and there was plenty you could kind of infer#like going from dumping porjai so he doesn't drag her down to telling day he's done playing games and WILL ask him out at the finish line#that's a big step! it says a lot about his headspace and how he sees himself!#but i started getting nervous when PORJAI told day about rung OFFSCREEN. mhok didn't even share that himself! and it wasn't her place tbh!#lol i even kinda understood where day was coming from in ep11 because mhok never mentioned the nightmares and flashbacks and stuff#and you CAN hide that stuff from a sighted partner too ofc but it made sense that day'd wonder what else mhok could hide from him like i ge#why that'd make day feel extra vulnerable! but no somehow the breakup was ALL about pity? i still don't totally get that tbh. and all the#trauma stuff was just pushed under the rug?? and i wonder if day was pitying mhok by insisting he take the opportunity to go abroad#like: you're poor when else are you going to get an opportunity like this? i don't THINK that's what was happening but i can't unthink it#idk my heart just aches for mhok#the quadruple whammy of poverty + trauma + classism + incerceration and i thought all of that would play a bigger role#also by the way ptsd is a disability too!
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listen. we know i love robert’s rebellion era, i really wish we could get a show that was GOOD but i know if we get a show or movie for rr it is going to wildly mischaracterize so many people and i am going to take it as a personal affront and i don’t want to deal with that
#getting on my soap box#i saw a reddit thread that was talking about how they wanted more flashbacks and like in a perfect world where the show was adapted well#the thing is WE WOULD HAVE bc so many characters have nightmares about it or talk about it#they just cut it all out 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i played the remastered alan wake a while back and am replaying the original on steam, and, honestly, they’re so similar, I couldn’t tell which is which if you held up comparisons. ive come across reviews about the game looking outdated and bad (mostly compared to other releases in that time), but the original looks great and I like the hazy dark lighting for both this and awan
#might delete#I can’t wait to run into all the product placements#like yeah I know it’s not. top graphics of that year. but I’ve stopped and looked at the environment So many times. it’s pretty!#this is because im biased but I *loved* AWANs choice of scenery. although I wish it was as detailed and expansive as the original games#all of remedy’s games do pretty great in terms of the environment. ignore controls terrible map and the Oldest House is an incredible space#to navigate just by following signs and all the little details. the atmosphere!#don’t even need to explain how aw2 is good with that#but even Max Payne 1 has this beautiful eerie quality where everything is this fever dream of grungy or old environments#even before the literal nightmare sequence it felt like navigating a dream of this Not New York City. like of course it’s likely born from#the limitations the developers had when making it. but the emptiness and placement of npcs added to the experience#QB so far is my least favorite in its style and environment but it’s still had some good moments. the use of flashbacks + time overlapping#onto abandoned and destroyed environments was genius. the college campus itself and the train(?) cargo(?) area was neat to go through#there’s some really good stuff there! *im also. not done with QB so im still hoping things get more wild!!#im honestly more forgiving of QB as a whole and find it interesting since it went through a lot of hell in its development#this might seem negative but it’s not! it’s a shockingly beautiful game. graphics exceed expectations#the style and some locations is where it’s more boring for me. but still good. im so tempted to buy it on steam to finally finish it#endless apologies if u opened this and ur entire page opened up an essays worth of tags
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#fairy tail#acnologia#doctor acnologia#young acnologia#fairy tail anime#my post#my posts#my memes#my meme#made with mematic#mematic#cooking up an AU with him…#this man can be filled with so much trauma#bout to give him a backstory that not even mashima could’ve nightmared up#actually funny thing I just noticed. there’s a big grin in his key visuals but I don’t think he smiled at all in the flashbacks??#also just discovered Dead Rock and all my Acno love is getting projected there; would love if Yakuto is genuinely related and not just a ref#he even kinda looks like young pre-corruption Acno. that’s his son!!!
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doing the math and i'm pretty sure chilchuck is getting his bow back next week, and we might finally get to meet the canaries (the elves), if not next week then definitely the week after!
#sorry - the post above is so short compared the the hour long rabbit hole i just went into trying to figure out#if we'd get mithrun's reveal before the end of this season lmao#and i dont think we will!#unless they really rework a bunch of timing!#my guess right now is - ep19 will be the hag/nightmare/ice golem/barometz (getting to know izutsumi etc)#maybe ending with marcille's nightmare or something but#ep20 will be the surface interlude from egg as well as the golden country stuff#21 will be senshi backstory o'clock#22 will be all the mushroom ring fallout from one of my favorite monsters you-know-what#and that ends with them having that heart to heart on the trolley deciding how they're going to save falin again#which is frankly a really good ending for the season! I can see them ending it here if the timing works out#THAT or the flashback conversation Laios has right after the succubus chapters#I can see them fitting the bicorn/horseman/succubus into episode 23/24#the problem there is. mithrun's reveal happens in the two chapters right after laios has his big conversation#and i would LOVE to end on mithrun's reveal but thats really pushing it for 24 episodes#maybe we'll get more than 24 episodes??#but assuming 24...#they might push all the kabru and mithrun scenes to another cour and wrap it up with the big important conversation/vision laios has#wont know until we see what they do!!
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