#like... i went to uni today to talk to my teachers about my mental health and the possibilities of ending the semester | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dawniebb · 4 years ago

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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pierrespandas · 4 years ago

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2020. As I'm sure everyone is aware this year (excuse the language) has been a bit of a shit show for us all. For me, personally, this year started out at the bottom.

From leaving uni, leaving behind friendships to being unemployed and moving back home, I really didn't have the best of years.

Then came the virus which seemed to make everything worse, being stuck inside (not that I went out much anyway) to seeing people struggle daily.

At the start of the year my mental health was at an all time low, I struggled daily and even though I tried to not let it show I'm sure it really did. Though talking about the negatives of this year, I want to talk about the positives.

This year I joined Ann Summers and even though I struggled to begin with, I've met incredible people that I now call my closest friends; I've even become a god mother to be (thanks to corona it'll have to wait 🙄)

This year I completed a twelve week course which boosted my confidence and put me on the right track to becoming a teacher - something I thought wouldn't happen after leaving university after 2 years. Because of this course I now have a level 2 to become a teaching assistant and I'm back to college in 2021.

This year I started to watch F1 (thanks to my mum + bad Internet 😂) and through that I found a really good friend. @xxntroverted

This year I started to do some volunteering, getting me out of the house 3 days a week - something I always looks forward to.

This year I took up opportunities that will only better me for the next step in my life. Though it's been a tough one, 2020 has shaped me to become the person I am today, writing this status.

I just want to thank everybody that has stood by me and my decisions, cheering me on as I try to get my life in order and achieve the things I thought impossible. I love you all and I hope you've found the good in this year just as I have.

Here's to 2020, may we never have another year like it!

#2020 #New year #New me #Corona #coronavid19 #f1 #formula one #Friends #Better myself

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fiore-rosewood9 · 3 years ago

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14 and 23?

Thank you for the ask kind tumbrl-er. Before I start I would like to mention that anything I say is related to personal experiences in a fandom and there is no right or wrong answer. People come in all shapes and sizes and that also means - Different sets of experience.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of slurs, r*pe, p*dophilia, creepy behavior, mentions of psychological analysis on a character, personal experiences with fandoms and a long rant. If any of these disturb you, please refrain from reading this and skip this post. This is not meant to cause drama, but I had to involve them to explain my point. I also mention sensitive topics like the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, 9/11 and the r*pe of Nanking, if you are related to any of these or have someone you know who died during this time, please refrain from reading, because I was extremely emotional and cried a bit while I wrote these, because what I wrote still has an effect on me.

Again, this is not meant to bash/hate on any ship mentioned here.

This is not meant as a personal attack for anyone who ships these. Also this may be a rant, I apologize for writing a whole novel and not a short answer, but I feel passionate about what I write here. This is going to be a really long post, so I do not blame you if you don't read all of it. I am going to mention a lot of things that are not related to the ships, but they do have significance in my mind and are related to my rant. With that out of the way, my answer is under the cut -

14 - Has a fanbase ever made you ship or not ship something? Why?

Yeah, I have been forced and threatened to ship certain things, via texts which made me leave certain fandoms. Hetalia is a cespool simply because I have been in it 8-9 years and can speak confidently about what happened to me. I thought the hate and immature fans in hetalia all left by the time it was 2016-17 but nope, there are still bad apples here and there. I just try to tell them I am not here for childish games and I am not here to debate which ship is the ''best'' since that is what certain people did all the way back in 2013. I am here just to enjoy my self and reblog fan art and headcanons and talk about hetalia and other fandoms and appreciate the manga/anime.

- Ciel x Sebastien (Sebastien is just there for Ciel's soul) I mean he does care for him in some aspect and I think he said something like - "I will always be with you til the day you die, my lord". There is a normal age gap between adults, and then there is lowkey p*dophilia. How old was Ciel anyway ? 12-13? Even though he is a teen, at this age people are not really mature in many aspects. I have collegues who have what you may call ''Sugar daddies'' in the west and let me tell you, they don't really act nice to their sugar babies. Unless it is some sort of consensual sex roleplay and you are living in a fantasy with your partner, most girls and boys I see feel ''trapped'' by their words.

The sugar daddy (In rare cases mummy) exploites them for attention and tends to lash out if the baby looks at their phone and doesn't pay 100 percent attention to them and tries to buy their attention which is simply wrong. Okay, I moved way offtopic, but certain ships kinda remind me of this unhealthy dynamic in a way. I know my opinion isn't worth shit since this is the internet and everyone thinks they're the next new hot thing around here but I just see them as servent and master and more like frenemies where Sebastien would do anything for Ciel, but you see, that is kinda his job. Just like how doctors act professional and it is their job to cure/heal you if you have some sort of pain.

- Izuku Midoriya x Bakugou Katuski - (I was in this fandom for a short time and only watched up to a certain season so please excuse me if I what I say is not accurate, this is also a long rant so you can skip if you want, in the last two paragraphs I explain about the pairing speciffically) So like from what I remember Katsuki is a bully. I really despise this ship, purely because bullying to me is not something cutesy and fun that people do. It makes you wish you kill your self faster because self harm no longer works. There was this weird person on tumbrl that sent me hate through tumbrl and I made a post about them, how I was a ''bad person'' for hating on this ship. I mean, I am allowed to dislike and even hate what I want. It is not you who has went through trauma and has CPTSD is it? In my high school, even though it was an economical one, except learning Economics, Accounting, Finances and other stuff I also got to learn things like Psychology, Ethics, History and Geography.

And each subject is tough, as in - You can't pass high school if you don't know the details. Except the book that we used in school that we learnt our lessons from, we were also made to carry two other books that we used for exercises, and other than that we had books that were by different authors, we had to read, but they didn't lift our grade in any way. So I have learnt psychology and world history for 4 years in high school and I learnt world history and world geography for 3 years in middle school. And now the first year in Uni, I got to learn psychology for year too. They also made us buy 9-10 books by different psychologists and write about them. From what I hear from my americans friends and collegues, they kinda don't teach you world history, it is like unless you know all of Thomas Jefferson's favourite foods you will be failed. I don't know if this is true, but judging by how they teach what Communism and Socialism is, in the american schools, I am kinda losing hope for what americans actually know about the outside world, aka, anything that is not the US and Canada.

I am not a psychologist and I have never studied to be one, but my own problems and the problems of my family and friends made me start reading even before high school in order to self improve as a human being because I have - Fatal flaws. I also have a few mental illnesses whcih have been diagnosed by psychiatrists, but where I live, mental health and the lgbtq+ is extremely shamed. This is why I never tell anyone I go to a psychologist, because people don't understand you and laugh at you and shame you. The lgbtq is harassed and can't marry or adopt children, however, this somehow is not a hatecrime. Which extremely frustrates me since this is against human rights in my book. You can't just harass a person for their sexuality. I may not have a phd in psychology but I naturally tend to help people and listen to their problems. It seems that I also give good advice and help people well, so sometimes in friend groups I am know as the ''heart'' and the ''psychologist''. I say that because I know a lot more than 4-5 articles that I read on psychology today, healthline or verywellmind, while people nowdays read a few articles and call them selves a psychologist. I am not one, but have the skills and knowledge to be one and can spot articles with old outdated information that hasn't been relevant in the past 30 years or so.

But that is the majority of people, who concider it a mental illness and base the lgbtq on what stereotypes they see on TV and what their parents told them. The internet is made for global use and that means that anyone can write all kinds of shit and use it. However there are a lot of problems with this when it comes to psychology and psychologists and psychriatrists. Many people still believe myths and things that were proven to be wrong. For example, in my country the word - Autist/Autistic, can be used as a slur, it is similar to what the Americans have in the - N and R words. And this is extremely upsetting, because while I am not on the spectrum, I don't think anyone should be degraded and be shamed of this label. Autism is a spectrum, but here it is used to signify that someone is slow. They're not slow, their brain just works differently. But that can be used for other illneses too. I think anyone suffering from mental illness deserves the support of family and friends and a normal life. I think anyone who is a decent and kind human being deserves a peaceful life.

So in real life Bakugou x Izuku would be a crap pairing. Because bullies x their victims do not mix well. Bullies in real life are cowards. They're like predators in the jungle. They are not real leaders. They always settle for someone who is clearly weak and vulnerable (This case - Izuku has no quirks and is useless in their world) so being beaten up, emotionally and verbally bullied isn't really fun. On top of that, when a bully develops an unhealthy dynamic, other people of the group, who never oroginally bullied the victim and were neutral or even friends, go and bully the victim, because they can and they will. Usually victims are powerless and telling the teacher and sometimes beating up the bully doesn't really make the bully leave you alone and respect you. And sometimes, you end up in the hospital with a broken leg and an arm and small injuries in your chest because bullies can't handle anyone standing up to them and ruining their status. Bullies have extreme, neurotic fear of being alone, so they find other assholes and bitches like them and attack always people - Who never did anything to them to insult them.

The bullies create it them selves. No one is an easy victim, not the person who wears glasses, not the anorexic girl that sits on the first desk, not the boy in a wheel chair, not the man with a stutter, not the woman covered in scars, no one. It is also a fact that schools profit from bullies since bullies usually have rich parents that think their child is somr sort of angel when in reality their child loves to make others cry and hits them when they don't get what they want. The problem with bullies is that they are hard to stop. Sometimes telling them off works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes punching them works, sometimes it doesn't. Etc. We can't predict which bully is bluffing and which bully is serious and will beat you up. They do not realize or care that they hurt their victims, even if the victim becomes a millionaire, to them, this person will always be inferior weakling that they need to torture psychologically and make them cry. They're sadistic. Bakugou from what I remember became jealous and only stopped bullying Izuku when he became ''strong'' that means strong physically. And for boys, it is generally easier, you hit the gym and no one bullies you. But what if you are a girl? I don't see girls being more respected or feared for being muscular. It is kinda like the jock x nerd. Cute in theory, but in reality it is beyond abusive. Even if the victims kill them selves bullies do not care. They just move on to another victim and are proud that they broke someone and are not as weak as them.

America x England - (OOOOH BOY, HOW MUCH DO I WANT TO BE CANCELED, HAHA) Well, as someone who has been 9 years in this fandom, I have a long history with this pairing. I do not know if I ever explained why do I hate it so much? I have a long and complicated history with it. This where my inner historian comes in. My uncle is a professor in history, but not in our city and we are not very close but I was always interested in history, but now I am a bit skeptical when it comes to history, because you never know how someone can twist it since history is written by the winners. Whatever I say in this post, is not meant to cause drama or offend anyone. From now on I am going to use, vulgar language and this may not be suitable for some readers

This is not meant to be hateful towards people who ship it, but I hate this ship, with passion. This has to be the worst ship, in the fandom history, ever. If you want, feel free to block me if that triggers you. I don't know from where to begin, since I am going to get canceled if I speak my own personal truth and my experiences. I have read the manga when I was 13-14 and have matured since then. The hetalia fandom in the past was more different than in 2021. So like there were ship wars, fan arts, roleplaying, everyone cosplayed hetalia and homestuck since they were the biggest fandoms, Carley Rae Japsean's song Call me maybe was blasting on the radio, Gagnam style was the shit and life was good. I was young, naive, full of hope and looking for fandoms to join in, since it is was a relativly new concept for me. I did not know what these cutesy boys I saw on deviant art were so I decided to scroll down through the comments to see what it was, and I read the name - Hetalia. If you then pay me one million dollars/euro and tell me that Hetalia is going to be my favourite anime and the fandom I stay the longest in - I would have rejected the money and not believe you. Pshht, Hetalia? What does this anime about personification of countries has that the other animes don't? Well, to that question, I can't answer and still ask my self.

When I first came into the fandom I only knew about it from deviant art and from a site called - Shamchat. This site no longer exists and has a site specifically made to fill the hole of it. I roleplayed and I think my happiest years in the fandom were 2013-2015. Those were the years where I met really, really kind fans. It is like everything else went downhill and the kind and sweet fans left one by one. And I was just left with hateful immature tweens and teens who only cared about their OTP and didn't care about other fans's emotions. I apologize if this sounds like a pitful story and I am pitying me, I did not mean it to sound it this way, or as a whining. I do not like whining.

They also seem strangely neurotic if you ask them why they ship UsUk. I can perfectly tell you why I ship anything without being mean. They just straight up insult you and send you passive agressive smileys - : ) - like this and never explain why they insult you, they just curse you. I do not understand why you make America to be the top? When he is clearly a power bottom?????? I mean, if you ever look through canon manga England and him as a country in a history book you wouldn't think he is a ''uke'' (I really hate the little girls who use japanese and think they kniw the language just cause they watched the anime and think they're quirky if they saw kawaii out loud). In fanfiction he is not fleshed out, he always seemed to blush and say baka and be a boring character over all. While Alfred is this dumb himbo/bimbo character that can't put 2+2 and laughs at everything like a small child. He is 19, for fuck's sake.

He is still a child and people can mature up until 25-26. But these ages are not real ages. For example Germany is 20, even though Bismarck unites Germany in....1871 if I remember correctly? Don't quote me on that and the americans have freed them selves in 1776. So technically Germany as we know it, should be younger but isn't. And they're both still awkward babies. America doesn't have a concrete religion but from what I know, Christianity seems to the most popular religion there as for now. I don't know if Alfred (Even though he is fictional) would identify as a catholic, protestant, puritan or some other stuff but he is awkward, he has a boyish charm that Ludwig does not have. So I can't imagine these good bois being tops with experience. Usually tops/doms come with lots of experience behind their back, or at least this is what people say whom I know who are also part of the lgbtq and bdsm community. Alfred just doesn't have the vibe of a top, he is more of a switch to me, or at best a power bottom. Ludwig has a dom/top vibes but he is extremely awkward in all senses of the word. America doesn't have a concrete religion but from what I know, Christianity seems to the most popular religion there as for now. I don't know if Alfred (Even though he is fictional) would identify as a catholic, protestant, puritan or some other stuff but he is awkward, he has a boyish charm that Ludwig does not have.

So UsUk was forced down my throat ever since I can remember, I have been insulted, threatened and took 2-3 hiatuses purely due to bullying. I Really HATE, HATE, HATE - feminine Arthur. I do not know why this is the fandom's fetish, or at least used to be even though some fans still draw him that way. I really love art, I used to draw and still do. I went to classes through out almost all of my life and I know my proportions. Whether you look through normal fan art or hentai manga (Arthur has the most porn idk how or why) he always has these weird proportions.....of a malnorished tween girl. There is some porn of him either as a child (A toddler by the judgement of his body) or of Alfred as a child, and they fuck. How is this supposed to be hot for anybody? I also remember (Which is why I left amino) on amino that users were extremely childish and lied about their age. Like no, you're not 17 and a half and are ''too mature for your age'' you are 17 and that still is a minor in my book. Also in one of the translated hentai comics there is this...idk how to describe it, there is this shaving scene where Alfred becomes a man and has his first boner from what I remember, the artstyle is great, but the scene can be described a child grooming. England lies to America how boners are a horrible disease and it can only be cured if he stays next to him. He then goes to France who tells him that boners are healthy and normal at this age and is upset at England for lying to him. Then when he frees him self America smiles, laughs and pisses on top of England I think he later fucks him. Like people can try to force their weak argument over england being a uke somehow now, but Pirate England is a top, how in the hell would anyone think he is a bottom?

UsUkers also love weird fetishes and force them down your throat, and not only shame you when you don't ship the ship, they shame you when you don't have their fetish. So like people go to my dms and ask me if I want to MPREG with Arthur beign the ''woman'' in the relationships, and golden showers. I also remember leaders acting unprofessionaly towards me. Some user was sending me child porn and when I told one of the leaders they just told me it was my problem and to fuck off. It deeply upset me so I took a hiatus and when I returned I was just met with another shit wave. I think I left last year because some girl was harassing me and constantly wanted attention. I told her to leave me alone since I have lectures and can't speak to her right now and she told her friend I was ''mean'' to her and her friend started insulting me in every comment on every posted I posted, be it fan art or fanfiction I wrote. Also they can't roleplay properly. I feel like I am in 4th grade where children used to insult each other. Like what stupid (probably american white girl) thing going to tell me this time ? Hmmmm option A - Alfred says that Arthur has horrible teeth, option B - Alfred says that Arthur has horrible cooking, option C - asks for sex and wants to impregnate him even though they are both males, it seems to be quite jokes among them. I get that americans want to see their country as this buff, strong, brave, macho type, but real people have strengths and flaws. In my opinion no country is dumb, they all look after their personal interest and empires love to exploit others, it is just how it is. They basically use english stereotypes and call it a day.

Before leaving I went to another ''better'' amino where I blocked one of the leaders. I don't remember if their name was Alfie or something else but it was something like that. And another leader asked me to unblock her, mind you. I was hesitant but I did. I usually do not block people unless they share content that causes negative reaction out of me - panic attack/rise in adrenaline/shaking/desire to puke/anxiety/etc or they have been a total asshole/bitch to me in the past. So I don't have the screenshots, since I changed my phone a few months ago. I used a Lenovo one and now I have an old huawei I used to have since we don't have money for a new one. So I saved the screenshots where they started saying how Francis is a rapist and I thought we passed this phase. I told the original leader and they all seem to not speak english well but she told me that this leader thought I was mean. I mean...she joked about rape, am I supposed to text - XD LMAO YEAH THE R WORD IS FUCKING FUN, YEAH DUDE YEAH! XD LOL LMAO. From what I see, if I have explain his behavior, he just has a high libido, which is nothing to be ashamed about.

There are also different types of attraction - Aesthetic, Romantic, Sexual. And he appreciates anything beautiful. He also says that ''You can't force love on anyone'' and is generally a really sweet guy. Also from what I see he copes with his loneliness by having casual sex while Arthur copes by abusing alcohol. People cope with loneliness in different ways, for him LOVE is important and he craves intimacy. He is suggestive and says sex jokes which is relateable. He also has moments of walking around naked, and while that may be perverted, far more people have done more perverted things than him. Also Greece and Turkey have a lot more sex than France has ever had. I don't know if it is canon or fanon but I read somewhere that Greece loves sex without a condom since it excites him. France is perverted but so are many other people, if a person is assertive towards such personality he will respect the other person's wishes and not force the issue, because he understands the concept of boundaries. It seems that some fans are either too young or too stupid to understand what is common sense and boundaries. Some couples in real life suffer from mismatch in their libido which is why they go to a couple therapist and ask how they can revive their sex life.

He is not a creep. I have met old men stalking me around after school and I have had a guy at a bar putting something in my drink not knowing that I saw everything so I just left. Real creeps do not understand the concept of boundaries and the fact that people are not their sexual slaves, they crave power and dominance and love ruining people's lives, it doesn't matter who their target it, as long as they are depressed and on their knees crying and shaking in pain and fear. So yeah, rape is not something to laugh at but it seems the shitty girls that got into hetalia think it is peak comedy. With Antonio it is different, I do not like throwing the term - P*dophile around because that is a harsh accusiation but from what I remember from manga...didn't he try to steal North Italy who was a child...to marry him? He never wanted South Italy but got used to him at some point, so I am sorry for ruining all of the Spamano shippers's fantasies. He also raised him. Which brings me to the second point.

England raised America. Period. It is canon, it is in the manga, he found him as a child. England loves America because he is the first thing that did not hate him, for him. Europe in the past hated England, this is why France jokes that he is the - black sheep of Europe. He was abused by his brothers, especially Scotland and threw things at him and chased him away. Scotland is not only an abusive alcoholic though. He is more complex and loves his brother in his own way but historically England was not kind at all to Scotland. So these people were telling me that I am a wh*re because I don't ship their precious UsUk? Well guess what honey, England isn't a useless girly bottom, America is neither a top, nor a dumb guy and England most likely changed his diapers. Also why would America blow his revolution if he wanted to be free? I mean England taxed the hell out of him and was a bit of a narcissitic asshole, so why shouldn't America want to be free from tyrany?

Also for people who bring the - BUT FIORE, ENGLAND KILLED JEANNE'DARC SO THAT MEANS FRANCE SHOULD HATE HIM, YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE! - well hun, France held a grudge for centuries until he got even by helping America with Spain and Prussia to free him self from England's grasp. America was the only thing that didn't hate him because he didn't know him. He was an alone child and he finally had someone to take care of him and listen to him talk, that wasn't a human, that didn't die (Davie) and England is an introvert but he has many issues which is why to him the loss of America hurt so much. Because everyone else hated him, or at least in his mind it looked that way. Portugal was always his friend and in a rare case lover and France had a love/friend/hate relationship with him. People can make the argument that France took care of him but France was probably around 12 in human years and England looks to be around 10 when he wore that blue dress of his and when England had a bow and green cloak and shaggy long blonde hair. France still cuts off his hair to this day. While England was in his late teens 17-8 when he found America who was clearly around 5-6. Their pairing doesn't make sense from a psychological point. So I would love to not have any usuk shit in my feed. I have enough abusive people in my life who treat me like a punching bag, I don't need to get upset online too.

Alfred looks 5-6 years of age and believe it or not some children piss them selves even to the age of 10. Some have medical problems but that is not an issue for now. I have been a nanny. I have taken care of children of all ages, and they're telling me? That I should ship a ship where some guy changed another's diapers but the other guy grew up too quickly and now they are dating? IN WHAT WORLD, I REPEAT IN WHAT WORLD?Does that mean I should feel some sort of sexual attraction and would like to bang children I took care of, because they went to the gym and have what society conciders the perfect body? I guess in their mind I should. In reality somewhat every country is related to hetalia so the boundary between what is incest or not is vague. But even when usukers bring the - BUT THEY ARE NOT BLOOD RELATED? - so what, incest is still taboo and some say that since they don't have blood relation it is not incest, but this is why stepbro/sis memes are so prevelent. Since it is a taboo and taboos get some people excited sexually. Whether they are blood related or not is out of the question, Arthur did take care of him as a child.

This is not meant to cause the old FRUK VS USUK wars, but in my experience USUK fans are extremely harsh and cold, at least to anyone who doesn't ship their precious ship. It is like they can't stand anyone who simply objectivly says - I do not like this ship. Bruv, do you know how many other ships I don't like in other fandoms, and no one has given me shit or threatened to hack my computer and send people to beat me up, simply because I DON'T SHIP USUK? maaaan-Let's not forget that these hypocrites also spread lies and said that ''Himaruya said that UsUk is canon'' and there was this black and white fan art that rolled around Twitter, Facebook and other social media for a while and people believe it. I think Hetafacts or some other youtuber debunked that it was nothing but a pure lie. It should not matter what ship is canon, what should matter more is fans being civil and kind to another but no, let's insult other pairings and make people hate ships they didn't originally hate just because.

Here is another ship I don't like - Russia x China. Also another ship - Russia x Prussia, also another ship Russia x Lithuania, or Russia (Romantically) x Latvia, or Prussia x Liechtenstein (Romantically). I even met one person who shipped Sealand x England lol or England x Seychelles x France or Belarus x Liechtenstein (Romantically) I dislike all of these ships. Do you see the word hate anywhere? No, because I don't hate them? Do you know why? Well no one told me - ''I hope you die raped in shit'' and told me that I am ''r*tarded'' in my comment section on youtube because I said that I do not care about certain ships. You see I used to feel this way about UsUk too. It was meh, I don't care, I see them as father and son, because England literally raised him. Also England is proven to be a horrible neglectful father and a workholic and alcholic. This is the reason why Sealand is taken care of by Sweden and Finland.

I always saw him this way so I don't know how the new fandom just started seeing him as the gremlin that he is when he was always a fucking old grandpa gremlin, not a soft uwu useless femboy that loves sex and screams BAKA every 3 seconds and blushes for no apperent reason whatsoever. I have many things that I don't ship. For example I feel conflicted towards pairings like - China x Japan or Japan x America because the r*pe of nanking is a thing and Japan denies and while Japan may have attacked America, americans kinda rationalize the two bombs and laugh at it while if anyone mentions 9/11 they freak out. So they can joke about other countries's misfortune but if it theirs - NO,NO,NO! I think global issues should be adressed in hetalia and people should make vent/rant art. If you are an indigenous person and a white guy comes to you and asks why you wear normal clothes and he says that indigenous people only wear feathers and all, this is why we need to speak to children about racism. Or being told that being latino/a makes you ''Inferior'' somehow (IT DOESN'T), or you're black and you get told by a white person how you should go back to your home land ''with the bananas''. I can joke about my own country's problems but it feels extremely offensive if the country that did the crime (R*pe, destruction of religious monuments, statues of popular poets from my country, more r*pe, stealing boys and babies and forcing other religion on them so they can kill and r*pe their own mothers and sisters. )I do not blame their descendents for what their grandpas did to us, what I can't stand is the superiority complex they have and how they insult this country and speak in their own language like we don't understand them and pretend like nothing happened, which is why I hate a certain hetalia country with passion.

It really sucks how due to Covid the hate against asians has risen, I heard from my favourite youtubers how certain people harassed them and hurt them for ''spreading covid'' or something. Well this just horrible and we really need to re-think how we treat people who were not at fault for a fucking global pandemic. I don't know where Yao Wang would stand, since he is a fictional country but unless somebody projects their homophobia and xenophobia through roleplay or art and send me hate art, I don't really care who they are as long as their are respectful. I can't stand usuk, and I can't stand the fans. I try to block every account that has this content which sucks ass since they look like cool people but no, it has to be fucking ew ugh usuk they draw. I sometimes feel like a bitch for blocking them since they're not the same fans that have insulted, threatened and harassed me but I would like to not blow my chances and risk ever talking to them. If you want to, you can call me a hater, a basher or anything, I don't care.

In a way everyone in hetalia is related but lets say that I do not have concrete hate over this ship but the serial bullying I received from fans over the years. Which is why I ship things like Seychelles x Iceland or Hong Kong x Iceland and I can't choose. Usually when UsUk fans ''defend'' their ship they have two arguments - It is cute and - the revolutinary war and how much england missed him. Two people may look cute together but would their emotional maturity and personalities match? These are important questions, which is why for me Gerita personalitywise, matches but the emotional maturity gap is way too much. For UsUk America lacks basic emotional maturity, raises his tone, cuts off people when they speak, weird obsession about being a hero and a tiny bit of narcissism here and there, he overly trusts him self which can cause as much problems as someone who doubts them selves. England is in another place mentally is honestly much better off with anyone else that is not America or Canada. Portugal, Spain, France, Russia, Japan,etc. America also has more developed friendships with countries like Russia, France, Siciliy and probably Japan and Vietnam. I think he can date Lithuania for me their dynamic is so wholesome and pure and everything click together. Russia also works but some people are put off by it due to the cold war. RusAme/UkFr is much more than just love/hate relationship, I don't know why people have the impression that they constantly fight and make up. Normal couples don't do that. Whether it is incest or not it is debatealbe. I have seen dynamics like theirs and let tell you that these people always ended up divorced.

I will share some quotes from people on different social medias I have found that describe it better than me -

Quote number 1 - from fanpop

"USUK is actually one of my most hated anime pairings followed by Spamano a few places behind for the same reason. The thought of raising a child as a son/brother only to bang him when he's older is nothing but disgusting and makes England seem like a pedophile for "falling in love" with the child he adopted and raised. I honestly can't understand why so many people insist that America and England aren't brothers and that the pairing isn't incest when Himaruya, the anime director and characters in Hetalia have confirmed that America and England are indeed brothers. Some USUK fans claim that America's independence makes them non-siblings. That's just ridiculous. Even if America would say "I don't want to be your brother anymore" directly to England, it still won't make any difference and it certainly doesn't change the fact that America was adopted and raised by England. If the USUK fans want to ship this pairing, it's fine, but denying that the pairing is incest is just annoying. It makes it seem like they think incest is gross, but desperately try to deny that USUK is incest only to continue shipping it or to keep telling themselves that USUK will be canon, which will never happen just like (unfortunately) every other Hetalia pairing except (possibly) AusHun.''

Quote number 2- from deviant art

''t's this reasoning that made me think back to all the Journal reads, essays and editorials many of the Anti UsUk fans write about why they hate the pairing. They usually mention about the pairing being incest, pedophilia and/or not cannon. While all of those might be true, I think there's more reasoning to why UsUk usually never works. It isn't to say those shouldn't be mentioned, because they should be, and I will mention them. First off, incest. Yes, UsUk is incest, but not because they share blood, but because they're BROTHERS. The fact that England adopted America should not be anyone's excuse for why it's not considered incest. Incest means sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other. The definition of related is belonging to the same family, group, or type. Neither of these say anything about sharing blood, or having to be born from the mother's womb. If your parents divorced, and your father married another woman, who becomes your mother, she would be considered related to you, since you both belong in the same family. America and England are brothers, they're family, they belong in the same family, and even share the same family name (Don't believe me? Britain's full name is United Kingdom of Great Britain, just like America's full name is United States of America, which was declared by Acts of Union in 1707 before the Revolutionary War. Coincidence? I think not 📷). No, I do not count their human names, since they're mainly names used for the fanbase to use. Now, for pedophilia, that's the one that can be questioned. On one hand, if England and America are shipped when both are adults, then it shouldn't be considered pedophilia. On the other hand, they are about 800-700 years apart. Though, the same could be said with America and other countries like Japan, Ukraine and Belarus. While America may not be the youngest country, technically speaking, he's certainly the youngest most powerful country. So, if anyone in the fandom is going to pair up America with anyone, male or female, that country is most likely going to be thousands of years older than him. So, do I consider UsUk pedophilia? Well... not if America is already a grown adult. So, unless there are fanart or fan fictions with England being sexual or flirty with kid or youth America, pedophilia isn't really the big issue (especially since I haven't seen pictures or fanart of England being sexual or flirty with kid America, and are perhaps the only brotherly pictures and/or fan fictions I can find of England and America). Being that everyone knows that UsUk is CERTAINLY not cannon, I want to go more deep into why I feel UsUk doesn't work. Let's set aside the fact that it is incest, and look at this pairing from a realistic standpoint. I want to start from the bottom up, which would be the back story of how England's and America's relationship started. Why is this relationship so memorable, and considered adorable? Why does it work so well? To put it simply, the relationship between England and America is very relatable. They both reminded me of my two brothers, and my dad and my uncle. It's the story of the little brother, who looked up to the older brother as the greatest thing on earth; the most perfect person in the world. He could never think of anyone else that could be compared to his older brother. Then, suddenly, that little brother grows up and realizes that his older brother is a compete jerk, or isn't as perfect as he originally thought. Usually, this is hard for any little brother to grasp, and, once he does, the relationship between him and his older brother starts to friction. They no longer share the same relationship they once had. Little brothers can relate to America in trying to grasp and understand that his older brother wasn't the big, perfect person he once thought, when he says, “you used to be so big.” At the same time, older brothers can relate to England in losing the innocent little brother that thought he was the world, then having to watch him grow up, and turn into a complete

jerk himself, or lose his innocence. It isn't that England never saw any flaws in America, even as a little kid, but it's hard for him to watch those innocence and naiveness suddenly flushed down the toilet. Now, America is surpassing England, and England now needs America to help him at times. From what I've seen from my brothers and uncle, it's very hard for an older brother to admit he needs his little brother's help, that there might be things his little brother knows more than him, and to actually call or go to little brother for help. This is continually seen with England and America during World War 2 where America volunteers to help, and England continually refuses, but yet seems to need the help (this is especially seen in the Blitz series). When anyone takes these two characters, whose relationship represents and older and younger brother of our generation, then turns it into a gay relationship, it completely ruins the amazing buildup that Hidekazu Himaruya was intentionally going for. It's not that gay relationships are not relatable, but the one that's made in the UsUk fandom isn't something that gay couples can relate to. Turning something that was never intended to be a gay relationship into one is actually the reason why there are gay men and women that dislike yaoi. It's not only a misrepresentation of England and America, and their relationship, but it's a misrepresentation of gay relationships in general. That's mainly where it boils down to why I dislike UsUk. Yes, homosexuality is one of those reasons, being that homosexuality was VERY looked down upon back during World War 2, especially during the colonial days (if you were caught in the act of homosexuality, you'd most likely be kicked out of the city and, if not, be beaten by countless cowboys, then killed, and those cowboys would get away with it, not being punished for said act even if they were caught). More than likely, England and America were homophobic back during those days, since many Americans and Englishmen were completely against homosexuality. It wasn't until around the Cold War, or during the 1960's, when the world started changing their viewpoints. Though, with that aside, UsUk, to me, just can't work with the back story and buildup of the show. Though, the same should be said for many yaoi fandoms in general. Many of them just don't work with the cannon buildup set for the two male characters. If people try to pair America and England up, keeping the cannon story line of their relationship, it comes out as unrealistic, and a misrepresentation of gay relationships, the relationship between England and America, and history in general. It isn't to say that nobody should write UsUk. In my opinion, whatever shipping you want to use is completely up to you. Though, if you want to write a UsUk fan fiction, it needs to not ruin the cannon relationship buildup set for England and America. In other words, I don't want a UsUk of any type to use the same cannon back story from the Hetalia series, otherwise it just becomes very unrelatable, and ruins the intended relationship buildup between England and America as older and younger brother. Anyways, those are my thoughts on UsUk, and why I don't like the pairing in general. You can agree or disagree, but I wanted to get my thoughts out. You can let me know in the comments about your thoughts on UsUk. I'm interested in knowing what your thoughts on the fandom, whether you're a UsUk fan or completely against the pairing, like me.''

23 - Have you ever had a ship become canon, but you didn’t like how it was portrayed?

- Korra x Asami (It looks rushed and I think Asami deserves better, in my eyes Korra constantly changed relationships and has immaturity issues, I watched the show a long time ago tho)

- Light x Misa (Misa deserved someone who cared for her)

- Erza x Jellal/Gerard (Erza deserved better, the guy looks like he is an extra or made of plastic)

- Ban x Elaine (I really dislike this ship, I read some articles about Japan and I do not know if this real/legit and please excuse me if I spread misinformation, but from what I read, some people said that Japan has p*dophilia problems. Certain mangaka or their word for the comic/manga artist, put loli characters on purpose to please a certain fanbase that likes this type of content. I look like a loli somewhat because I have small frame while other girls matured on body way too fast, I remained skin and bones up until the age of 19, after that I somehow started to gain some weight on my legs but that doesn't mean I am still not short and skinny on my upper body. Old creepy men, asking where you live and asking you sexual intimate questions when you just want to buy you self some dinner after school, isn't my idea of fun. Which is why - 100000 years but has the body of a loli is bullshit. There are older women who have smaller bodies but no matter how young you look, every human being starts developing wrinkles and hair falling at some point in their life. They may be small, but they surely don't look like lolis.

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jed-thomas · 4 years ago

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Debt and Unreality at a British University

Most of the time, when journalists or researchers ask students in Britain about their “concerns” and their “experience”, they’re not looking for answers like: ‘I don’t feel real.’ Because, well, what do you do with that?

A friend of mine sat on a stiff leather couch in the hallway, tiredly scrolling. She’d just clocked out. For nine grand, we were getting about 7 hours of teaching a week. The rest of the time, of course, was supposed to be devoted to reading all the material we’d be discussing in seminars or attending lectures on. But she was working part-time at a Pizza Express. The maintenance loans only stretch so far, especially with rent around here. And you have to catch a bus to get to campus. Lots of us, our parents helped out. But if the ‘rents can’t or won’t pay, you’re a little stuffed.

In 2019, it was reported that over half of young people are now attending university. These figures represent the fulfilment of a target set by Tony Blair at a Labour Party conference in 1999, during his first term as Prime Minister. In July of the year before, Blair’s parliament passed the Teaching and Higher Education Act, introducing tuition fees for universities across the UK. In 1990, around 25% of young people stayed in some form of full-time education beyond the age of 18. Today, most young Britons will have experienced the presumption that they’re a university student and frequently, the expectation.

Yesterday, the University of Warwick’s official Twitter account shared a link to a blog post on how to ‘relieve intense stress in 60-seconds.’ The post was written by a current student.

In 1962, towards the end of Harold Macmillan’s Conservative premiership, “ordinarily resident” students were exempted from tuition fees and made eligible for a means-tested maintenance grant. Shortly after the Teaching and Higher Education Act of 1998, maintenance grants were replaced with loans. In 2004, the cap on tuition fees rose to £3,000 and by 2010, it had risen to its current rate of around £9,000. There were protests over that last increase, of course. The protests were in 2010 and I went to university in 2017. I now owe the British government around £27,000 for tuition and around £10,000 for maintenance. If you’re going this year, you’ll end up owing roughly the same - more, if your family earns less than mine.

You hear things. “Oh, they’re antidepressants.” A friend with a weird flatmate who never leaves their room. Oddly intense desperation eking out of drunk students from some corner of a smoking-area. Vaguely recognisable names and their time of death. “Honestly, just couldn’t be bothered to get up.” An acquaintance from your course drops out and moves back home. Barely concealed frustration in your professor’s tone, hushed rants in faculty corridors. And you notice other things. Admissions of 'suicidal ideation' and life-crises on a FaceBook page which is supposed to be about students sending anonymous messages of romantic interest. Sarcastic tweets about ‘mental health dogs’ and ‘mindfulness seminars’ have become cliché. A routinely empty chair in your seminar room. Strained eyes staring into the middle-ground, silence attending the teacher’s question. Dysfunction as normality. Your diagnosis in your bio next to where you go to uni.

In 2014, it was reported that one in seven full-time students also work full-time. The same report put the proportion of full-time students working part-time at a third. A number of reasons were given as to why they were doing this. I wonder, when they look at their bank accounts, or their accommodation, or their text on sociology, on Latin American history, on virology, existentialism, do they feel they have a handle on things? "I’m a full-time barista, full-time student." "Hello, I’m an impossibility."

For students, the British university is an experiment in unreality. Am I a customer or a pupil? Am I demanding a service from a business or being educated by my elders for my own good? Will it be my fault for selecting a ‘non-applicable’ degree or their fault for selling it to me? Everything is optional, even when it isn’t. You spend all week pouring over the text but feel embarrassed to correct or question the people who clearly didn’t because the professor doesn’t: “Don’t worry if you haven’t done the reading.” Next time, you just put in a sentence or two to fill one of the many silences, improvising off of what others have said, pretending you read whatever it was. Then, of course, coursework is set assessing your knowledge of the curriculum. You spend a couple of days stressed out, hoping to turn your lack of knowledge into a scholarly tone of caution and hedged bets. You go to a careers fair, a student union election, a party, a debate. Nothing sticks, tomorrow is the same day. Your teachers are devotees of a faith but you have to fill the ranks of their picket against the Church. The protestors mass, fill the campus with tension and noise, and then, in a couple of weeks, you’re sitting in the same seminar room with the same professor doing the same thing. You have to think surprisingly hard to remember that past, fugitive now in an opaque present. The only thing that changes is that a few new buildings emerge from their shells of scaffolding. When you miss almost five weeks, there is an email or two. One time, because of your chronic truancy, you get some mark or something, some strike against your name. Nothing happens. In fact, you find it incredibly hard to even find the place where that warning is actually recorded, displayed. You graduate with a First.

Recently, there has been a steady trickle of data, news items, and reports, gradually exposing the rate of suicide in higher education in the UK. It came to a head last week, as a Conservative peer, Lord Lucas, called for a bill which would give British universities a duty of care in the mental health outcomes of their students. Lord Lucas’ plea represents the mainstream of a movement by aggrieved parents of young people who took their lives whilst at university. One of these young people was Benjamin Murray, a 19-year-old in his first year studying English Literature at Bristol University. Shortly before falling to his death, Murray was told by the university that he would have to leave. A local newspaper reports that, according to sources at the university, his attendance was ‘sporadic’ and he had ‘failed to hand in expected work’. Discussing interactions he had with Murray which revealed that the undergraduate was suffering with an anxiety disorder, senior tutor Ben Gunter remarks that: 'A large number of students we see have varying levels of anxiety.’

I mean, look at it this way. You’re saddled with a debt, a sizeable debt. It makes you nervous just looking at all the zeroes. But this moment of selling your soul was planned, it was expected from the beginning. And there are voices all around you that keep coming up and whispering in your ear. It’s just a tax on spending after education. No-one’s expecting you to pay it back. It all gets forgiven when you hit 40. What’s a person to do in that situation? The same government that portrayed the national debt as an existential threat is the same government that turns around and says: Don’t worry. Does debt matter or doesn’t it? Is this real or isn’t it?

People are screaming, again. It's 5:35 in the afternoon. Earliest you’ve heard it this week. They’re really drunk. Or on something. You’re only dimly aware of it, really. It’s ubiquitous, it’s ambiance. Dimly, you wonder if they realise how loud they are being, how obvious their public intoxication is. You perk up when you recognise a few voices. People on your course - you’ve got an essay due tomorrow at noon. Down the ages, goes the cliché, students are drunk and reckless with deadlines. But you’ve been wondering whether it really matters if you get a 1:1 instead of a 2:1. Don’t they inflate the numbers, anyway? And besides, it's experience that matters on a CV, everyone’s got a degree these days. I’d just be another idiot with a 1:1. Your flatmate drunkenly knocks on your door and you seriously consider going back on your refusal to go out tonight.

A survey of undergraduates in seven universities in England reportedly found very high rates of dangerous drinking, with 41% identified as ‘hazardous drinkers’. It also considers that one in five students were likely to be diagnosable as alcoholic.

Every weekend students give in to the unreality. I know what you're thinking. Of course, young people have always experimented with substances, acted like they were invulnerable, ignored consequences. But many of the young people before us were unfamiliar with this level of unreality, this level of confusion. So the recklessness intensifies in those claustrophobic spaces that remain open to us.

I have deadlines, right now. A few days to go. I’ve been looking at the news, all the statistics on internships and jobs falling through for graduates and young people, in general. The worst hit. I’ve been talking to my friends, moaning about the job hunt, the rejections and the no-replies. Anecdotes tumble down the grape-vine of graduates from respected universities not even being able to get a part-time job at a supermarket because of the number of applicants or whatever. A couple of my friends are intermitting due to mental health problems. When I was home, before the most recent lockdown, a number of my friends and I worked at a pub. I’m back at uni and they’re still there. Class of 2020, all of us. Of course, they like it, it’s fine. But where do we go from here?

Don’t ask me, mate, I’ve got deadlines.

#university #britain #UK #tuition fees #coronavirus #mental health #mental illness

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ateezthings · 5 years ago

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ATEEZ Reaction: S/O being really anxious

*Trigger warning*: DO NOT Read this if you’re uncomfortable with talks about mental health, anxiety, eating disorders and depression in particular or if you feel like this could trigger you in any way. Please take care of yourselves.

Angst

Gender neutral

Whining ahead: Since temporarily moving to Korea, my anxiety and depression have been through the roof and I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I don’t know anyone here and it feels like all the other international students have already made friends and I feel left out because I naturally take a really long time to warm up to people in order for me to feel comfortable around them. I’m scared of leaving my room and my anxiety levels are high constantly. I feel like I’m constantly watched and judged and I feel misplaced like I’ve never felt before to the point where I wish I didn’t wake up anymore. I don’t know what’s freaking me out exactly and I don’t know why I thought I could do this since I’ve had mental health issues for many years now. I know I have to endure this until I get back home again so I’m not suicidal but I’ve had a really hard time here. I’m scared of leaving my room to go eat because I’m scared my housemates are gonna judge me for whatever reason. This has gone to the point where I’ve starved myself for a whole day because I was too anxious to leave my room. I feel like every shop employee is judging me for everything. The uni where I’m studying is so huge and confusing and I’m scared of being the only foreigner in my classes. I feel like I’m going insane so I wanted to write this to distract me for a little while. Sorry that this is so angsty and dramatic but I had to get that off my chest.

Seonghwa

‚Seonghwa?‘ You’re voice was merely a whimper.

‚What’s wrong, baby?‘

‚It’s getting worse again, could you come over?‘

- He didn’t need to hear more

- you were sitting on the couch, eyes wide open with worry, fidgeting with your nails, when he arrived

- he immediately put his arms around you

- you could feel his warmth and his steady heartbeat

- after a few moments Seonghwa looked you in the eyes and told you to breath with him: in for 5 seconds, out for 7 seconds

- after that you were able to calm down a little bit

- you spent the rest of the evening cooking together

Hongjoong

Did you eat today, babe?

- This simple text from Hongjoong made your anxiety explode: right you haven’t eaten anything all day, you have to eat. But what? You didn’t want to go outside, not today. But you’re fridge was empty, what were you supposed to do? you needed to buy food bt you couldn’t leave the house because your anxiety was so bad today

- in the end you decided to lie to Hongjoong, you sent him a ‚sure‘ back

- he responded with a ‚don’t lie to me‘

- of course he knew you were lying, so he showed up at your place 20 mins later with some Tteokbokki and his cute smile

- after he greeted you with a sweet kiss, he got two plates and made you sit down at the table

‚You feeling better now?‘

‚A little‘ you smiled, it was nice knowing that someone cared

Yunho

- you were in class, supposed to be dividing up into groups when everyone around you was already in a group

- that was it for your anxiety: no one wants to work with you, what if it was something you said? What if they all secretly hate you and laugh about you behind your back, maybe you should just drop out, but what would you do then? Probably nothing, cause your mental health destroyed everything

- after about 5 minutes your teacher noticed you weren’t in a group so he just randomly put you in one

- you felt everyone staring at you, it was horrifying

- after that class you immediately went home

- Yunho knew something was up when you didn’t respond to his texts the whole day so he decided to drop by your place after his schedule

- you didn’t realize you missed him until he was standing in front of your apartment

- you told him how bad your anxiety was today and he listened to everything you had to say

‚These thoughts that you’re having are just thoughts you know? That’s not the whole reality. And also you’re not on this earth to please the people in your class… You know I love you right?‘

- the whole thing didn’t seem so severe after you talked it out with Yunho

Yeosang

- Yeosang knew the four character long password to your house and also to your room, he wanted to surprise you with his visit

- what he didn’t expect was to see you in fetal position on the floor, shaking and breathing unsteady, having a full on panic attack

- he dropped everything he was holding and tried to put you in a sitting position

‚Y/N? It’s going to be okay, I’m here alright? Can you breath with me?‘

- he made you take a few deep breaths with him

- after you had calmed down a bit you two cuddled in your bed, first he was the big spoon, after a while you requested to be the big spoon

- while you were cuddling you talked to him about what was making you so anxious

- at some point Yeosang wanted to show you some of his favorite calming songs (some of my personal favorites: Coldplay - O / Oktoba - Chance / Before you exit - clouds)

- listening to these songs and having him around made you feel more okay

San

- San asked you out to dinner in the morning, you panicked all day

- you knew he didn’t wanna cause any discomfort for you but it made you anxious: what if you couldn’t find the restaurant, what if you had to wait a long time for San and then people start looking at you, what should you order that you felt comfortable eating around so many people, oh god there would be a lot of people at the restaurant right? You felt extremely uncomfortable around that many people, what if San didn’t have time to walk you home and you had to walk home by yourself, what if there was a burglar waiting for you around the next corner, it surely would be dark outside when you two finished at the restaurant

- all those thoughts were running through your mind, it was overwhelming

- so you asked San if you could just cook something at your place and he obviously agreed, it was much more comfortable that way

- he brought all the ingredients for some pasta, which you both loved

- you spent the evening making a mess in the kitchen, kissing in front of the overflowing pot of pasta water and just making jokes

- a little later you told him about your anxiety

- San was a little shocked when you told him but he reassured you that you could always tell him when you were feeling anxious

Mingi

- it was a miracle you actually got out of bed today

- you told yourself you had to eat, starving yourself was not an option anymore, so you ventured out into the world

- you decided on buying some Kimbap from the convenience store, everything was fine

- until the shop assistant looked at what you were buying and then scanned you from top to bottom with his eyes

- was there anything wrong with your face? Did you look so depressed? They were definitely judging you

- you practically ran out of the shop after paying, heading straight home

- when you looked at yourself in the mirror at home you couldn’t see what the shop employee was staring at which only made your anxiety worse

- having a full fledged panic attack you somehow managed to call Mingi on his phone

‚Babe, are you okay?‘

‚No… I’m uh... having… a panic… attack‘

- honestly Mingi was really freaked out when you told him that

- after a moment he remembered you telling him that he could help you breath very deeply, you two had only faintly spoken about your anxiety and Mingi hadn’t witnessed you having a panic attack

‚Okay babe, now you need to breath very deeply with me okay? Breathe in…1…2…3…4…5 and out…1…2…3…4…5...6…7… Do it with me again!‘

- breathing deeply like that helped you regain control

- in the evening Mingi showed up at your place with some camomile tea and some lavender oil, apparently he read online that these things are supposed to feel you calm

- after that incident he was so sweet and thoughtful towards you, even more than he already was

Wooyoung

- it was a new semester at your new uni/school, this one was much bigger than your previous schools

- at one point you needed to print something important so you went looking for a printer, you knew it had to be on this floor somewhere

- after 30 mins of walking around the same floor you where completely freaked out, all the other people where staring at you like you were dumb or something, this was bad

- but you couldn’t ask people where the printer was because then they thought you were stupid and that also involved social interaction which you avoided at all costs

- so you hid in the toilets

- after panicking in there for about 10 mins you texted Wooyoung

- he replied: ‚I have a break in 15 minutes, meet me at the entrance‘

- he knew you needed help when you were anxious like that

- as soon as he met you he took your hand and guided you to the floor the printer was supposed to be on

- when he couldn’t find it, he just asked a student that was sitting in the hall

- for Wooyoung everything seemed so easy, you admired him for that and you told him that

‚Not at all, but I just freak out at different things, everyone has these moments.‘ and he gave you a little smile

- he invited you to dinner later, where you talked everything out, it really calmed you down

Jongho

(I love this look on him sm)

- you had to go to the embassy to take care of something

- problem was it was on the other side of the city and you had to change trains a bunch of times and also walk a bit and just the thought of getting lost made you sick with anxiety

- so you texted Jongho if he had some time to come with you

‚You’re lucky, we finish early today. Will be at your place in 1 hour‘

- knowing Jongho was gonna be with you eased your mind a little

- even if you got lost you had him, even if the people at the embassy looked at you weird, he was gonna be there with you to help you

- you were safe with him

- he held your hand all the way to the embassy and squeezed it occasionally when he noticed you got too into your anxious thoughts

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the-dyslexic-blogger · 4 years ago

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so this is where it begins

So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.

I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.

As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.

In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.

There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.

The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....

Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.

I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.

It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.

One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.

At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.

I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.

Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.

Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.

I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.

The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.

I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.

So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.

I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )

Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.

It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.

So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.

You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!

Stay strong fighter!

love

Dino xx

summations:116 123

#blog #mental health #self destruction #self healing #self harrrm

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years ago

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00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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wanderingxstars · 7 years ago

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Social Anxiety

One of the reasons I joined Tumbr in the first place was because I was experiencing things that I didn’t understand and that no one I told in real life understood either. On Tumblr, it’s a lot easier to find relatable quotes and others who feel similar to how you feel. At the time I thought I was just shy. Time and time again I was told by teachers, friends, family, even parents of friends that I was shy and that eventually I would ‘grow out of it’, I’d ‘come out my shell,’ I’d stop being so shy and for a while I believed them.

I can’t remember the exact time where I thought ‘no hold up, something is wrong, i am not just shy,’ and I don’t think there was a specific event that triggered me off into thinking I wasn’t just shy, but I think that over time and as life became more and more about social interactions, I came to realize that how I was feeling, I didn’t want to feel anymore.

I was fed up of always having to force myself to make conversation with people because I was too scared to actually talk to people, I was fed up with only having one-worded answers to say, I was fed up of not being able to survive a driving lesson without bursting into tears, I was fed up of my voice shaking and my heart bounding so loud you could probably hear it while I was giving a presentation, I was fed up of feeling so overly awkward and out of place and like no one liked me and that people were judging me. I was fed up of always thinking I was going to say or do the wrong thing, or embarrass myself. I was just really fed up.

At this point, I was annoyed that I thought everyone was moving on in life and becoming their own person and gaining their own independence, while I was still a nervous wreck that would probably cry if you spoke to me. I remember when my ex-boyfriend past his driving test and although I was so happy for him I was also so annoyed at myself because I couldn't even get in the car without crying. The stupid thing being I wasn’t even scared about driving a car, I was scared about my driving instructor talking to me and NO ONE understood that. At the same time I was so stressed about uni application because I was convinced uni wasn’t for me because I was too shy and wouldnt make friends and wouldnt be able to cope on my own as I was. At uni open days I mentioned to different people how I felt and a lot of them told me to go talk to my GP about it. So I booked an appointment with my GP, told her what was up and she basically said she wasn’t going to diagnose me with anything because it’s not about the label, it’s about trying to treat the person. In a way I agree with this, but how current systems work, not having a diagnosis makes some things a little difficult later on, but I’m not gonna talk about this too much.

Anyway, I was put on a 6 month waiting list and so in the meantime, I told the head of sixth form and had counselling from the school. I loved my school counselor. She was hilarious and listened to me and actually gave me so much advice and filled me with self-belief. People even started commenting on how they could see a change in me and I was so happy. I saw Lynn as more of a friend and with her advice and coping strategies I actually somehow managed to pass my driving test first time^.^ Also, one of the main things I really wanted to be able to do was to just get up and dance at a family party. Lynn encouraged me and we made it our mission to get me dancing. And I did. I had a 70th family party coming up, I put on one of my favourite outfits and suddenly I was able to dance. It sounds like such a small thing but it was something I always envied other people of being able to do so easily. oh and just to clarify, not everything happens this easily, there are still things i struggle with to this day that I have been working on for years, but I’ll discuss this more later.

As exams approached, I decided to stop having sessions with my counselor and to focus on exams. This was my decision as my education is very important to me, but looking back, I wish I had taken more care for my mental health during exams and kept having sessions. PLEASE REMEMBER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH ALWAYS COMES FIRST.<3

Nearer the end of exams, the 6 months were up and I started CBT. CBT is great and I have absolutely nothing against it, for some people it 100% can work. I just really didn't get on with the woman I saw and nothing was explained properly to me. I had 7 sessions and then the woman left and I felt even worse than I did before I started the sessions. So I was left to flounder on my own over the summer holidays and then I started uni in September and I was terrified.

Which brings us up to today. I am currently at uni and still overcoming social anxiety. I haven’t really spoken in too much detail about my experiences with anxiety in the past and although I want to and will at some point, I really want to reflect on how I am feeling right now.

When I first got to uni I had mental health appointments every week, I was getting referred to different places and so I was constantly having to talk to people about it. I found this made my anxiety worse as it was always at the front of my mind and I felt labelled. I felt like everything I did was a result of anxiety or that everything I was feeling wasn’t normal and that no one else was feeling it. In actual fact, uni is a massive change for so many people and feeling nervous to go to your first lecture, or scared about meeting people or feeling homesick are perfectly valid feelings that most people felt. I am in no way trying to disregard how for people suffering with anxiety, this all feels 100 times worse and panic attacks are a thing, but whatever emotion you are feeling is valid.

Once I stopped having appointments, I felt like I felt better. I had one anxiety assessment and I couldnt think of any examples to tell her and I thought I was better. In reality , I just hadnt left my room or put myself in a situation that would trigger my anxiety. By living on your own at uni it becomes very easy to avoid situations you don’t want to be in and as i hadn’t made any new friends at this point I wasnt actually socialising with anyone anyway. It sounds bad, but I only realized this yesterday. Since then, I have done things that would have triggered my anxiety, I didn’t force myself to do things quickly, I just stopped saying no to so many things and started giving more things a go.

For my own benefit, so I can look back one day, I’m going to list some examples: 1) train by myself - I first used to get the train one way, so I would either get the train home from uni and mum would bring me back or I would get the train back to uni and mum would pick me up to take me home. Now, I can get the train both ways and I am super proud. I still feel anxious if I am going somewhere new on a train, like when I went to Birmingham, or when I used mobile tickets for the first time, but I don’t avoid doing things that make me anxious anymore.

2) Saying yes to nights out - this goes back to the dancing thing. I love a night out and I find I don’t get anxious on the night out anymore. I do get anxious beforehand and I’m not gong to lie I have rang mum in tears because I am so scared but I haven't turned down a night out and I’m learning to enjoy it and let go.

3) This one is really strange but i would have acted so differently in the past. As part of my access statement, I am allowed to pick the group i work with during groupwork and for presentations. So I chose to be in a group with Katie for Report 3. Then when we changed groups and the tutor told me I could pick a group, instead of just saying ‘okay,’ I asked If i could stay with Katie. It sounds weird I know but I really just wanted to say okay but I really wanted to make sure it was okay if i stayed with Katie.So i am proud i asked.

4) Talking more. I find it easier to talk to family now, like I can actually hold a conversation. I find it difficult still to make friends and to talk to people that aren’t close family, or family in general. I would love to be able to talk to Katie and Alex as if I have known them my whole life and I have faith in myself that one day this day will come haha :’).

I am still working on myself and still trying to better myself. I really want this to be taken as a little encouragement thing,to show that things can get better. Things may not be perfect and exactly how you want them to be but be proud of what you have achieved. You Got This <3

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thattaekwondoblog · 5 years ago

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My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)).

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though.

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life).

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself).

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn��t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it.

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore.

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

#tkd #taekwondo #life story #story #martial arts #kicking #sports #tkd story #me #mind #origin story #lol #taekwondo story #martial arts story #budoblr

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emptymasks · 7 years ago

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tagged by @ohpotter thank you :)

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

tagging: sorry if some of you were already tagged @alyseofwonderland @clonetracers @lingering-snow @gemfyre @skip-mucky @ruinsrebuilt @gendryw4ters @alexpenkala @emono-omae @roecompany I know that’s not 20 but...

THE LAST

1. drink: water 2. phone call: my bank 3. text message: idk, I barely text any, I mainly just use messanger apps... probably my Dad 4. song you listened to: The Abduction - Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 5. time you cried: I don’t know, since my anxiety calmed down I haven’t cried as much 6. dated someone twice: nope, never even dated someone once 7. kissed someone and regretted it: still no 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: my mental health wasn’t the best when I was a teenager, definitely an anxiety disorder, and hating myself for a while, but I don’t know whether I got as far as depression, I don’t want to offend anyone who actually had depression... 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no, I don’t drink

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. blue 13. black 14. purple

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: yeah, started University this time last year, met some awesome people 16. fallen out of love: nope, never fallen in love 17. laughed until you cried: probably 18. found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so. I mean my Mum talks crap about me all the time but 19. met someone who changed you: uh, yeah, I guess 20. found out who your friends are: not quite sure what that means 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: nope, never kissed anyone

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them bar one, I only add people who I actually know, but there was one girl who I was friends with on deviantart back when I was about 13, but now I only add people that I know and talk too. I don’t even add people who I went to school with if I never talked to them. I don’t know, it just feels weird to do that on FB to me, 23. do you have any pets: our family has a chocolate labrador 24. do you want to change your name: um...no? It’s weird. I don’t really like my name, but not as in I don’t like it as a name, I just don’t like it for me. But I also couldn’t imagine having any other name. 25. what did you do for your last birthday: nothin 26. what time did you wake up: 8am-ish 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 28. name something you can’t wait for: I don’t know... uh I’m being a vendor at the artist alley in Linc-Con (Lincoln, Comic Con) and it’s my first time being a vendor or doing anything like this and I’m nervous but excited but nervous. So I guess that. And Thor Ragnarok. 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Like, an hour ago. I’m still staying at home for the summer, I move back to University next Monday. 31. what are you listening to right now: Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 (what a surprise) 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: uh, a lot of stuff, I’m very anxious all the time. in terms of something that’s annoying me... not much. 34. most visited website: Probably tumblr or youtube. 35. hair colour: brown 36. long or short hair: Long-ish. I’d like it to be a bit longer, but it hasn’t grown in like years. Seriously, I’ve never had a proper hair-cut, I just trim slip ends off and it hasn’t grown in so long no one ever believes that I’ve never had my hair cut. 37. do you have a crush on someone: not really, there’s clebs I’m attracted too, but there not crushes 38. what do you like about yourself: uh... I hate saying stuff like this, I always worry that I’ll come across big-headed. If I have to say something... I’m creative? 39. want any piercings: nope 40. blood type: no idea, I really should know, but I’ve never known and I’m not sure how to find out 41. nickname: None. I’m the only person with my name I’ve known that likes to be called Rebecca over being called Becky. I hate being called Becky. I had a teacher that called my Becks and I didn’t mind that too much. I do like pet-name / terms of endearment though. 42. relationship status: single 43. zodiac: taurus 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: band of brothers, legion, house of cards, halt and catch fire, brooklyn nine nine, hannibal, flight of the conchords, peaky blinders, star trek, the tudors, torchwood, the thick of it 46. tattoos: no, I like tattoos, but don’t want any myself 47. right or left handed: right handed 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing: no, don’t want any 50. sport: I did swimming for a long time, I don’t do it often now, but still enjoy it. I also have a thing for learning K-Pop choreography and then doing K-Pop random dance plays. It’s a decent workout when you’re too shy to exercise with anyone around and you don’t have the money for the gym anyway. 51. vacation: Haven’t gone in years, can’t afford it. The last time I went out for the day was with our Uni’s Harry Potter society and we spent the day at the Harry Potter studios. There’s another Buckbeak now and you can bow to him and he bows back and honestly I just love him so much and didn’t want to leave him. 52. pair of trainers: I actually don’t have any anymore. The closest the trainers I have is probably my converse.

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: um, I may snacking on tic-tacs 54. drinking: water 55. i’m about to: after finishing typing this, I need to test out how the Transformers print I just finished will look once it’s printed out, and then it’s back to making charms 56. waiting for: nothing for today, but I am kidna getting nervous about moving back to Uni 57. want: I got a 2.1 last year and I’d really like to get a 1st this year at Uni. Also to keep my Etsy shop up and running and to do well at comic con. 58. get married: eh. I honestly couldn’t care less. I’d be very happy to be in a committed relationship without being married. 59. career: want to be a concept artist for film, but will probably still freelance on the side

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: what about both? at the same time?? 61. lips or eyes: as in what I’m more attracted too? idk 62. shorter or taller: I’d want a partner to be taller than me, which isn’t hard as I’m 5′4″ 63. older or younger: ...I’m not going to lie. I have a pretty big thing for older guys, but realistically it would be better and probably healthier to date someone around my own age. Although now I am starting to be attracted to some guys around my own age, and I’ve never had a preference for older or younger women. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: ... 65. hook up or relationship: relationship. I could never do a hook-up or casual sex or a casual relationship. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: I guess hesitant?

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: still no 68. drank hard liquor: nope, don’t drink 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: I like the only person in my family that doesn’t need glasses 70. turned someone down: actually yes, once, but he said he’d liked me for the past 7 years and I hadn’t even had a conversation with him (saying hello to each other when he saw each around school doesn’t count) in the last 5 years and I hadn’t seen him at all in the last 2 years so it just felt kinds creepy to me. 71. sex on the first date: no, haven’t had sex, haven’t been on a date. I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable doing that. Not unless it was a date with someone who was a super close friend so you already know and trust them, but even then probably would never want to do that. 72. broken someone’s heart: not as far as I’m aware off 73. had your heart broken: no 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: eh 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: no, it’s really impossible, you can feel attraction at first sight, but you can’t love someone you don’t know 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: I mean, that kinda feels like the odd one out in this category. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. 82. angels: idk, I’m agnostic. I don’t really know if there’s any higher power of anything. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. Either way I’m not going to worry about it, I’m just going to make the most of my life either way and try to be a good person regardless cos that’s just the decent thing to do.

OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: idk if I really have a ‘best friend’. I have friends, some of them I talk to more than others, but I don’t really rank friends. 84. eye colour: blue 85. favorite movie: ...this would be a really long list, are you sure you want that, I’ll try and put a few: Lord of the Rings, Baby Driver, Cap: Winter Soldier, Rise of the Guardians, The Princess Bride, The Breakfast Club, Inception, The Prince of Egypt, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Kingsman, The Martian, Mad Max Fury Road, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (I know it’s not a great film but I love the characters), Mission Impossible 4 (didn’t expect to like MI but there you go), Iron Man, The Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy 1 + 2, Deadpool, Interview with the Vampire (I love Lestat and Louis but you can probably guess my feelings about Anne Rice), Fight Club.. I should stop typing now.

#about me #tagged #mutuals

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rainbowparadiseharry · 5 years ago

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I don’t care if no one reads this, but i have to get it out on here rather than in a journal where i know no one will see it. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about this without feeling like a failure or bursting out in tears. so, here goes.

i’m 25. i started college at 19 at a community college. my plan was to move on to a 4 year university. i had absolutely no idea what i wanted my major to be. none. i went to college bc my parents essentially made me and really, what else would i have done?

the only major i thought to pursue was interior design. it’s something i still love to this day, but i don’t have good drawing skills at all, and my art teacher was never supportive in high school, so my confidence in any interior design skill whatsoever, diminished. when i started college i declared my AA as english. i was like, “yes, i love to read! i love words!” then the questions of “well do you want to be a teacher?” started coming. i changed it after that to general studies. i feel like at that point in my life, i was going to college just to go. i had no goals, no passion to pursue and in turn, i had no motivation to meet with advisors to see if i was on track or not. so a 2 year associates turned into something that felt never-ending.

in 2016, i applied for a university and got accepted. at this point i was 22 and still didn’t have my associates (again, lack of communication with anyone at the com. college and lack of motivation on my part) my plan was interior design with a minor in business. i never got the opportunity to attend the uni. because my dad bought a manufacturing company in the midwest, so literally having nothing keeping me there, i followed my parents out here. once here, i applied at another community college (why i didn’t apply at a 4 year university i’ll never know). that was 2017 and finally, finally(!!) in may 2019 i got my associates in business. the thing is, if someone asked me anything business related, i wouldn’t know a damn thing. i got by in that program by doing well in class but did i retain anything? no.

i work at my family’s company as an administrative assistant. the deal was, was that i would get my bachelor’s in something that would give me a future at the company. i’ve found that i am not passionate about business. you could put me in thousands of meetings about various happenings at work and i would still have no clue what’s going on. it’s frustrating because i feel like i have to put on this front bc of who my dad is that i absolutely love business/manufacturing/etc. and i just fucking don’t. i’m grateful for the job i have and for the benefits i get because of my job and who my dad is, but at the same time i question if it’s really worth it.

so, i’m 25 and i’m still pursuing my bachelor’s degree. i have another couple years left. my dad wants me to graduate with a degree in accounting. so i declared my degree as accounting. i hate math. always have. i hate it because i have to work really, really hard to understand it, while it comes to others so quick. it’s another insecurity of mine. i’m not even a week into my first semester at this new university and i just want to cry. i realized just how out of place i was today when i looked around and everyone looks 6 years younger than me.

i want to make my dad happy and take over the business one day, but i want to make me happy. something that would make me happy though would be to work with animals. i’ve loved animals for as long as i can remember. of course, there are no veterinary technician programs in my state that is close to home, and that’s what i would choose to do. i brought up being a vet tech to my dad a looong time ago, and he said “they don’t make any money.” it always boils down to money with him. i understand it, he wants me to not struggle or be uncomfortable. i don’t want that either, but would i rather make 6 figures doing accounting or make a low 5 figures working with animals? i pick the latter. it’s never that easy though.

i want to just be done with school and have a career, but it feels never ending at this point. i work part time and it feels impossible to go full time to school, so that means it’ll take me even longer to get my degree. another setback. shout out to anyone who can work + go to school full time. my mental health could never.

that’s another thing that i haven’t gone over yet is mental health. i have social anxiety and depression. i’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but it’s clear that something isn’t quite right. the social anxiety is what makes me depressed, i think. it’s a vicious cycle that i’ll never seem to escape. i think the lack of motivation i had all through my college career is from anxiety. the fear of not being good enough, of being perceived as stupid, etc, etc. i can see it clearly looking back, but at the time i could say it was because i hated school. i only hate school because it makes me anxious. i’m so fucking worried about others while i’m there to learn, that i forget to actually learn. i find myself trying so hard to follow a lecture by taking notes, but i’m so aware of people around me, wondering if they’re looking at me or if the teacher will suddenly call on me, that i don’t retain anything. which then makes the thought of “i’m too stupid and not smart enough compared to everyone else.” come up again and again. it literally makes me hate myself so much.

i try to have faith and to pray. i understand that no one will snap their fingers and shit will fall into place exactly how or when i want it. i have to figure it out myself, but it’s really hard when i don’t have any friends to talk to about this.

i feel so defeated, overwhelmed, and burned out.

#i'm avoiding what i should be doing to write this #but it made me feel a little tiny bit better

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imnotatigerimaholleigh-blog · 7 years ago

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OK so.... I feel like I should start being more open about my mental health problems. I have been feeling really torn lately because Tumblr is the only place, I’ve been even slightly open about my mental health problems and although I believe talking about my mental health problems will help me and others around me who are suffering the same, and by taking about mental health problems I will aid to reduce the stigma, on the otherhand, part of my mental health problems is that I have a really big issue with validation and I’m anxious that someone will call me an attention seeker, especially considering that I suffer from three mental health conditions, I feel like people look at that and think that 3 is a lot for one person to suffer and therefore I must be attention seeking, even though I never talk about my mental health problems in real life. I just need people to understand that I have three mental health issues and these are not necessarily separate issues they are twisted around each other and grow from each other like the branches of a tree. I feel the need to talk so I am going to talk. Also *TRIGGER WARNING* for anyone who is reading this, because this shit is personal.

So, I’m fairly aware of where some of my problems started. When I was younger I was over weight, I had (have) a big appetite and I loved food (Literally why is this an issue for people?!) and from a very young age (literally I remember I was so young I was still being dressed by my parents) I was without my consent made aware of my weight problems, I was told by my whole family that I needed to go on a diet and different ways to lose weight, I was weighed in front of my whole year 3 class by my teacher and deemed the heaviest child in the class, I was bullied about my weight by a lot of children, who felt it was necessary to comment on my weight (being called little miss fatty and told that I should go to weight watchers). I was told by my parents what I can and cannot wear because of my weight. My grandparents used to make cruel comments about my weight behind my back some of which I had heard regularly. All these experiences seem like such small things but they had such a big impact on my mental health issues, because no matter what I achieved in other areas of my life, my weight was always the one thing people focused on, the one thing that got all the attention, I felt unappreciated like because of my weight, my other achievements were not valid and this led to a lot of issues.

When I got to comprehensive school, I was bullied by a group of boys who used to follow me home and make really cruel comments about my appearance and they would pinch my bottom on the way home. I remember being so scared I used to change my school shoes before leaving school, incase I needed to make a run for it. They used to pretend to ask me out in a mocking way and all these experiences, made me feel like I was not good enough that I was not attractive enough, it was horrible.

So at 14 I began to develop an eating disorder, all those little issues had built up to a full blown problem which I could not control by the time I left school. What started as innocent weight loss, became a diet restricted of certain food group, intense anxiety about gaining weight, repetative secret exercising and food hoarding. I used to weigh myself multiple times per day, to the point where I could tell you exactly how much weight I would lose after going to the toilet, or when I was on my period or how long my weight would remain elevated after one meal. However, despite all this I never felt as though I had actually lost weight, I was convinced that somehow my body was tricking everyone (even the scales) into thinking I had lost weight, when in reality I was the same size - this is something I still struggle with today. I was frustrated because I used to see these girls who were skinny and could eat whatever they wanted and I felt like there was something wrong with my body, that my body was being difficult and punishing me because in my mind I could not lose weight. People began to tell me not to keep losing weight but I thought they were lying, manipulating me because they wanted me to remain fat, they wanted me to be fatter than them!

My parents had always told me whilst I was being bullied that the best thing I could do was do better than those people. And although this was good advice with the best intentions, I really took this one to heart, so when one of my only good friend of mine, stopped talking to me out of the blue (I’m still not sure what the reason was for this). I began to feel betrayed, angry and abandoned, I thought it was because I was fat and that’s when my dangerous competitive streak came in. My anger boiled over at all the people who had hurt me and I felt like I needed to be more attractive, skinnier and do much better in school than all these people and this where my anxiety began. I continued to lose weight, wanting to be thinner than all the people who had hurt me and at the same time, my anxiety took over and I became obssessed with my school work, I would rush home from school and revise for my GCSE’s. For nine months I did nothing except school and revision. During my three months study leave, I would wake up at 6, have no breakfast revising until 11:45, have lunch until 12, revising until 4pm, have tea until 5pm and revise until 10 go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I just needed to do better than all those people who screwed me over. This continues to today at university.

When I went to college I met my now ex-boyfriend Adam (AKA dickhead) who I dated for three years. He was my first proper boyfriend and given my low self-esteem I was scared he was going to leave me. However, on meeting him my parents didn’t like him (now I understand why) but at the time it made me feel conflicted because he was my first boyfriend and I felt given my appearance I was unlikely to get another but at the same time, every time I saw my parents they screamed at me for anything and really did make my life difficult. My parents made horrible assumptions about me (that I was cutting myself - which I wasn’t at the time, that I was trying to fail college so I could stay with him etc.). My mother told me that I had put her and my father on antidepressants, because I was such a disappointment (which turned out to be untrue). And this conflicted me more than anything because I felt like I was such a bad person. At this point I decided that I did not really care if I lived or died at this point, so I starved myself for many months, living off four meals per week and lying to my family about what I had eaten. All I wanted was someone to notice and help me get out of the hell that was my life, either that or for me to starve to death.

Whilst this was going on my boyfriend at the time, was equally making things difficult without my realising, When things became difficult with my parents I tried to end it with him on several occassions, believing that it just wasn’t worth the misery, except each time I tried he would tell me that if I ended it he would kill himself and I felt trapped. Now I look back on it I knew how naive I was, he wasn’t even depressed, he just wanted to keep me so he could lose his virginity. He actively encouraged my eating disorder by telling me about how fat he was, knowing full well, that I thought he was skinnier than me and it was extremely triggering for me. Whilst all this was occuring I was continue to be anxious and obsessed over my exams, which added to the difficulties. I began to cut myself at this time. Cutting myself has never been anything habitual, its always been a one off event when I was at the true end of my tether, I started with my feet and eventually moved onto my thighs and shins.

Throughout my time at college and during my gap year my boyfriend at the time, would spend months ignoring me on and off due to his exams, this also made me feel abandoned and worthless. Whenever we were together, he would regualrly be checking out other women who walked by and adjusting his hair whenever women were nearby, at the time I thought nothing of this. It hurt but I thought that I deserved, afterall I was hideous and horrible. He used to take me out to meals to appologise for his behaviour but then would allow the behaviour to continue, to expected me to be happy with the fact that he had taken me out for a meal and to simply ignore the way he had treated me. He would say things like “It won’t happen again, I’ll be more organised next time” but this never happened.

In February, I had a bad experience with him, which I don’t feel comfortable talking about on here, but I felt like I deserved it and that initiated and increased my depression and anxiety further. I became afraid of him after that and felt I had to try and please him, or otherwise he might hurt me further or leave me. I felt I would never find anyone else, because I was unappealing and did not deserve anyone else.

I became very emotional and tearful and anxious about everything. I went to uni and we decided to continue the relationship to a long-distance one. However, the day I dropped him off at his own uni and I returned home alone on the train, his behaviour only got worse. From september until we broke up in April he barely spoke to me, claiming that he did not even have the time to send me a quick text in the day. Prior to uni we had decided that we would skype every night in the evening but most of the time he wouldn;t skype and didn’t even have curtesy to tell me that he wouldn’t be avaialble to skype, so I would change my plans, arrange my revision around our skyping time and wait eagerly for us to skype, without ever hearing from him. I asked him to let me know if he couldn’t skype to reduce disappointment and he always promised he would but nothing ever changed. One evening he did inform me that he couldn’t skype (which was fine I was just happy that he had told me) but then he butt dialed me by accident and I heard him flirting with another girl down the phone. During my first year of uni, I became very low, I isolated myself and really wanted to die. I thought I was at fault, that it was all because I was being too hard and pushy on the boy and that I was a horrible and bad person.

We met up over Christmas and we deviced a plan to get our relationship back on track the plan was I would stop shouting at him and nagging him to do things if he would just text me occassionally and told me when he couldn’t skype. I thought things were going to improve but they didn’t he continued with his behaviour, hurting my relentlessly and then one night he skyped me to tell me about the best night out he’s had in ages, he began bragging about this great night out, talking about all the events of the night before, and I loved hearing them, I wanted him to be happy and socialising with his friends, especially considering all the stress he was under. After all that bragging, he then told me that he had cheated on me during his night out. I hung up and once again sat on my bathroom floor, bleeding from my legs and had lined up paracetomol ready to take (after all this was obviously all my fault). I didn’t take them that night, I didn’t have the guts to do it, so instead I did what I had been doing almost every night whilst I was at uni, I cried myself to sleep on my bathroom floor. Not deserving to sleep in a bed.

We broke up shortly after that, he stole £300 worth of money from me, claiming he would repay it but it never happened and I eventually gave up asking because I needed to move on with my life.

After removing him from my life, things finally started to look up, I went on placement at the Isle of Wight and moved into a nice house with some friends. However more was apparently to come. In September, a male housemate of ours became very mentally unwell, he became verbally agressive towards us and yelled death threats and often talked about how he wanted to kill himself and about his eating disorder habits (which were obviously distressing for me).We wanted to support him the best we could but he started exhibiting very threatening and initimidating behaviours, including walking around the house with an axe and a large knife without much reason. The uni deemed him unsafe to live with him and we moved out temporarily into emergency accommodation whilst he moved out. All the while another housemate of ours stirred the pot with him, informing him of all the things we were doing and saying to stay safe and to get him the support he needed, increasing his anger towards us.

After that experience I became even more so depressed and anxious, I went through a really bad period of being anxious that someone was going to randomly kill me in the street, whilst at the same time wanting to die. I was too scared to go to crowded places and often planned my days around quieter periods. Whilst all these things have happened to me I never really fitting in anywhere and felt like I was a huge mistake of nature, often wondering whether mother nature herself was trying to correct itself by killing me off with these mental health conditions.

I should probably say, my depression never came across to me as saddness, it came across to me as anger, frustration and hatred, for everyone and everything that had happened to me and hatred for myself, my personality and my appearnace. I isolate myself on regular even now, wanting no interaction with people, I keep everyone at arms length away from me, because I hate getting close to people, because all people do is hurt you :(

Antidepressants have really helped though. I am no longer suicidal or anxious but I honestly, don’t think I’ll be able to see the world in the same way again. Life is cruel and I simply can’t see it as anything else.

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smile-smile-ichthys · 8 years ago

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A Daughters Lesson - A Saeran Fanfic

Title - A Daughters Lesson Game - Mystic Messenger Characters - Saeran Choi, MC, their daughter I named Kyung Rating - PG Description - Just a little fanfic about Saeran’s daughter learning a valuable lesson about life.

Been wanting to do a Saeran fic for a few days now. Since I managed to finish my character profiles for Uni yesterday, thought I’d see if I could write it this afternoon after fabric shopping. And yey, I did it :D I was inspired by @myetie headcanon on the RFA and their childrens first day at school. I love her art and I’ve wanted to do some writing from her headcanons before but nothing sparked until now. I hope she sees this but I know she probably won’t. Anyway, enjoy!

“Kyung! Get your shoes on, please” MC shouted from downstairs.

Today was hers and Saeran’s daughters second day of school. Her very first day, yesterday, had gone just fine and little Kyung was so excited to go back again the next day. Over and over she had said she wanted to do art again, draw, paint, anything creative, she clearly enjoyed it. She had made several friends too, it definitely put Saeran’s mind at ease that she had managed to make friends so quickly and easily.

“Coming!” Kyung shouted from her room, grabbing her shoes and running as fast she could downstairs to greet her mum.

“Let’s have a look at you” MC checked her daughter’s hair, cheeks and clothes happily and proudly “perfect”

“Daddy says I’m always perfect” Kyung giggled.

“Of course, because I’m right that’s why” Saeran said, popping his head around the corner from his work room. Kyung giggled even harder before jump hugging her dad.

It certainly was a sight to see, Saeran hugging his little girl before school was becoming routine for them, but the sheer joy MC felt from witnessing such love always made it special. He had come so far since her and Saeyoung had found him and helped him, oh so far. He still had nightmares and had his struggles, but since Kyung had come into their lives, he was coping with those a lot better. The RFA was still running strong, each member very eagerly being an aunt or uncle to Kyung, even if it irritated MC when Jumin bought way too many gifts for her birthday. Either way, she was being brought up in such a love filled environment MC was proud of her daughter, and Saeran for giving her such a strong head start in life.

“Right, shoes please” Saeran said, putting her down.

“You’ll pick me up yeah?” Kyung asked, sitting on the floor to pull her shoes on.

“Of course, I did yesterday, I’ll pick you up every day, that was the deal” he smiled when his computer peeped.

It was an agreement that MC dropped Kyung off and Saeran picked her up. Since both worked from home most of the time, this arrangement was easily executed. Saeran was still hacking, but in a more safe environment, for the government along with Saeyoung. No more scary agencies, just safety. MC planned the RFA parties, along with running her own business. It was a perfect balance of work and time at home to spend with their daughter.

“Can we get ice cream?” Kyung asked, whilst pulling her back pack on.

Saeran knelt in front of her and offered his little finger.

“Pinkie Promise” he grinned. Kyung happily took his finger in hers and grinning up at him. Saeran’s heart always swelled with happiness whenever she smiled, he was sure it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, not including MC obviously, but his computer kept beeping, he had work to do. So he kissed her head and went back to his computer.

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When the time came to pick up Kyung, Saeran had finished his work for the day, he always got up earlier than usual to make a start so when it came to 4pm, he could focus on spending time with Kyung without worry. In a way, Kyung had seriously helped him with his mental health, she motivated him to do better and he owed her a lot for that, he’d spend the rest of his life doing that if he had to.

The school wasn’t too far, around a 20 minute walk, Saeran and MC had decided on getting a house as close to the school as possible, but also close to the shops, especially their favourite ice cream parlour. That was one thing she really looked forward to, every Tuesday was ice cream day for them both, it was used as a well done on getting through the first two days of the week. They kept Friday for family treat day which all three of them did something different, whether it was a cheeky take out or a games night. Most of the time, though, it ended up being both.

Saeran’s heart raced just a little faster as he approached the gates, ignoring the stares from parents around him. Even though he had definitely changed a lot since MC had saved him from Mint Eye, he still looked a little rough around the edges, and he still had the tattoo on his arm which he always covered around the school. The other parents always judged his appearance, even though he dulled down as much as he could, he even wore bright jumpers, he still looked a little intimidating. To him, he didn’t care, as long as his daughter wasn’t scared of him that’s all that mattered. Ignoring the judgemental stares around him, he just focused on looking out for his little girl.

The day before she had come out bounding, straight towards him and leapt into his arms. It was something he was greatly hoping would happen every day, but to his utter disappointment, Kyung didn’t do that. Instead, she was slumped over as she quietly walked over towards him. That wasn’t like her, she was always so bright and bubbly, especially around him and MC, something must have happened.

“Kyung?” he asked, kneeling in front of her again “You ok?”

“Yeah” was all she said, tugging on his arm “can we go now?”

“Of course” he said, taking her hand in his, but she pulled away “Kyung, take daddy’s hand” he said firmly. There was definitely something up, especially when he saw the looks and whispers that the other girls in her class were aiming at them. Ok, he wouldn’t say anything yet, but maybe the ice cream would cheer her up.

“So, what kind of ice cream do you want this time?” he asked as cheerfully as he could.

“Don’t want ice cream” she huffed.

That stung. She didn’t want ice cream anymore? She was breaking their promise?

“You don’t? Kyung, what’s happened?” he asked, stopping to talk to her.

“Nothing” she said, pulling him to keep walking.

Maybe it was better to ask when they were at home.

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Naturally, MC was surprised when they came back.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting you guys home so early! Was the ice cream place too busy?” she asked, all smiles and cheer.

Kyung dropped her bag and ran towards the stairs.

“Kyung, living room” Saeran said firmly, stopping her in her tracks. She turned and slumped into the living room to sit on the sofa.

“What’s happened?” MC asked in a whisper.

“I’m not sure, but we have to find out what” Saeran said, worried about her.

The two of them knelt in front of their daughter; they were both very forward with making sure they were on her level as much as possible, never looking down at her, something that Saeran had insisted on when they discussed on how to bring her up.

“Kyung, somethings clearly happened at school that’s upset you, can you tell us?” Saeran asked.

“Nothing’s happened” she said, fiddling with her dress.

“You’re not your usual self sweetie, if you can’t tell us we can’t help the problem” MC said.

“Daddy is the problem” she said, Saeran’s heart breaking in his chest. How was he the problem? What had he done? Saeran racked his brains, inside and out, but couldn’t think of a reason of her saying this. His own daughter had come to hate him, maybe? Saeran didn’t want to believe this, but his anxiety was beginning to get better of him. He clenched his fists.

“How is daddy the problem, sweetie?” MC asked calmly, but she knew how Saeran must have been feeling.

“I don’t want him picking me up anymore” she said.

“Why?” MC asked.

“I just don’t mummy, can you pick me up?” she asked.

“This is something we’ll need to talk about darling, you understand that you’re hurting daddy with these words? You need a reason for asking this”

Kyung glanced at Saeran before looking away. It was killing him. From his heart outward, he felt like his whole being was being destroyed.

“Do you understand, Kyung?” MC asked.

“Yes”

“We’ll need to think about your request, ok? But for now, daddy is going to keep picking you up, until you’re ready to tell us what’s really wrong, sound fair?” MC asked.

“Yes”

“Ok, now go get ready for your dinner” she said, and Kyung jumped from the sofa and ran upstairs.

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Saeran needed some time alone that night, but it didn’t take long for MC to curl up next to him in bed and hold him tightly. She knew he was hurting badly and he needed the comfort, but they had to wait until Kyung was in bed. Their daughter still hadn’t given a reason for asking MC to pick her up instead of Saeran, but MC knew they had to be patient, Kyung would open up when she was ready. School was a huge step, and they thought she had gotten over the biggest hurdle already, clearly they were wrong.

“I think she’s being bullied” Saeran pipped up, quickly wiping his eyes. Yeah, he’d been crying.

“What makes you say that?” MC asked, stroking his cheek gently.

“When I picked her up, I saw some girls in her class whispering, pointing at us” he explained.

“Do you want me to talk to the teacher when I drop her off?”

“No, I think the problem is me, I think I have an idea why anyway, I’m sorry I let this get to me” Saeran said, kissing MC’s hand carefully.

“You have every right to get upset, will you tell me what the idea is?”

“I’m scary, maybe not to you, or to the RFA, or our daughter, but to others I’m incredibly intimidating, and that’s something I can’t help, so, I’m going to go to the school early to pick her up as a little surprise, I’ll see how she’s acting in break time, is that ok? If I can see who the bullies are then we can talk to the teacher” he asked.

“If you think that’s best then I’ll trust you” MC smiled and Saeran wrapped his arms tightly around her.

“Thank you”

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Saeran waited until his daughters final break time of the day to go and investigate. If she wasn’t ready, he doubted she’d ever be ready, bullying was tough on anyone, but especially on someone who’s only ever had love and positive vibes around her. To suddenly be shunned can be a shock to the system, enough to cause her to become mute towards the situation. It was the last thing he wanted, his daughter to become so inward and unable to voice her emotions. He’d been like that for a long time, and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, even Saeyoung.

He was outside the gate in no time and found a tree to hide behind when the bell rang for the kids’ final break. He didn’t exactly need to keep an eye out for her. She was the last out of the doors and quickly made her way to a bench well out of the way of the playground. Yeah, that wasn’t like her. She was always the first one at home to ask for her skipping rope during playtime outside. Keeping hidden, he watched from a distance as she sat by herself. She kept glancing towards her classmates, she even at one point got up and went over to ask to play. They all backed away, almost scared of her and said no. She went back to her bench and kept to herself. So, she wasn’t being bullied, the children were scared of her, of him too. It all made sense now. She had done so well on her first day because they hadn’t met him yet, then the next day everything changed. As soon as they saw who her dad was, they became scared. It was only natural, especially since he knew their parents would have fuelled that fear, and being so young, Kyung didn’t know how to cope with it. His heart hurt, even more so than before. He had to fix this with her, show that just because they’re scared doesn’t mean she should sacrifice her joy, she shouldn’t change who she is.

After talking with the teachers, he approached her in the school playground, ignoring the kids’ reactions to him. He heard gasps, little screams, but he kept walking towards her.

“Daddy?” she asked, quickly clocking the reactions. He could see the almost panic on her face, but also slight relief that she wasn’t alone now. He took his usual stance in front of her, kneeling as best he could.

“They’re scared of you and me, aren’t they?” he asked.

She went quiet, looking down at the floor, so, he took her chin in his hand ever so gently and lifted it up so he could see her face.

“Kyung, answer me” he said, a little firm, but still kind.

“They said you killed someone, people who look like you are mafia, or murdererers, they said you were a horrible person, I said you’re not! ‘Cause…’cause you’re my daddy, but they didn’t believe me, and now they won’t play with me” she sniffed, tears dripping down her cheek.

His heart broke all over again. He’d had a rough past, but she didn’t know about that, it was something MC and him had agreed not to share with her until she was older, if she asked. He knew people would judge his appearance, maybe even make a few whispers, but telling their children that he was those things…no, he wasn’t having that. He’d definitely be having words with the teacher, but right now Kyung was the most important person to heal.

“Sweetheart, do you love daddy?” he asked, she nodded as she sniffed, fighting tears. “Do you enjoy playing with a skip rope?” she nodded again, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. He smiled. “Do you like ice cream?” she nodded again, giggling slightly. “Then, sweetheart, that’s all that matters, because I love you more than anything in this world!”

“Even more than uncle Saeyoung?” she giggled.

“Even more than him” he chuckled, but becoming serious “You’re going to meet people who don’t like the way I look and will make up lies, you’re going to get people who don’t like you, or are scared of us, but, you have to be the bigger person here and still show them kindness and respect” he explained “if they won’t play with you, stuff them, you pick up a skip rope and you skip to best of your ability, because I bet you, when they see how good you are, they’re going to want to join in”

“And I let them?” she asked.

“Yes, because that’s you showing forgiveness and love” he smiled, letting her wipe her eyes again.

“Ok, daddy, I’m sorry I said those things” she said, almost crying again.

“Daddy forgives you, thank you for the apology” he said, pulling her into a hug “How about we go get that ice cream now?”

“I want chocolate!” she laughed, climbing onto his back. Relief washed over him, his heart finally at peace, she was ok.

“Really? Well, I want choc chip!” he grinning, carrying her past the kids who stared at them as they went.

“I promise, daddy, I promise I’ll show them how good I am at the skip rope tomorrow!” she said into his ear.

“I hope you tell me all about it when I pick you up” he said, heading towards the ice cream parlour.

“I will! I’ll tell you everything from now on!” she said, clinging to his neck.

#mystic messenger #saeran choi #saeran #saeyoung #MC #jumin han #jaehee #yoosung #zen #a daughters lesson

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