#like. unrealistic. even having one person doing everything right is unlikely

[lazaruspiss]

you ever read a fic and go "man this is so good but i cant get into it bc i cant remember the last time [x] was this nice to [y] in canon" bc im really struggling. my immersion is in tatters and i dont know how to go on.

[riririnnnn]

You know what can be the dopest thing right now?

Kiyora getting an offer from Re Al.

Many of you might think that I've officially lost my mind, but hear me out, okay?

While dwelling upon the current match and plausible possibilities of the match, Kiyora seems to have slipped past my eyes or more precisely, his assist to Kaiser seems to have slipped past my eyes—his pass was amazing.

Kaiser's goal in itself was a very amazing one, but the main force who made the goal happen was Kiyora, you know, and that's exactly the point I'm trying to make—Kaiser's goal wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for Kiyora.

Considering the fact that Kiyora was still debating who to support—Kaiser or Isagi—I can safely say that he didn't know about Kaiser's impact magnus beforehand, and yet he was able to provide the exact kind of pass unlike Ness who knew and even practiced alongside Kaiser.

And this type of quick observation and accurate judgement is very cool, you know.

You see, curved shot isn't something Kaiser invented, it is an actual type of shot which I've majorly seen during free kicks or penalty kicks, so I was very impressed when Kiyora was able to look through things—that Kaiser didn't mis-kick but rather it being an attempt for a curved shot—and being able to make a pass where the ball comes to a still end.

Now why was I so impressed?

'cause a curved shot usually happens (at least, that's what I have seen) during free kicks or penalty kicks and what is the state of the ball during those times? Yes! The ball is stationary!

You getting me, right?

Because of the Luck puzzle piece, some of you might argue that it was just Kaiser being lucky that the ball came to a stop. However, personally, I think the Luck piece just represented Kiyora siding with him and that the ball stopping was very intentional.

Why?

Well:

Kiyora has been playing soccer since the age of two, so I don't think that anyone with that much of an experience will make a mundane mistake during such a pivotal point in a very important match.

I understand that under high pressure or during the heat of a moment, whoops-a-daisy do happen even to pros, but Kiyora's demeanour throughout everything was very calm. He seemed too assured for his pass to just be a mistake.

Of course, I also understand that him receiving an offer from Re Al sounds very far-fetched. I mean, Re Al is shown as this really strong and powerful and amazing team in the BLLK Universe, so someone getting an offer from them based on a single match's performance sounds unrealistic.

Besides, if he does get one, then people will hate on him while saying that he is riding off of Kaiser's goal, and that Kaneshiro-san gave him plot-est armour in existence just to wrap him up.

On the other hand, it'll be indeed really dope if he does go to Re Al with Kaiser—his assist to him has become my favourite assist in the whole series.

Most likely, he'll get an offer from Bastard München though.

What do you guys think?

[poisonous-lemonade]

The Demon Bro's Pact Marks

Demon Bro's Pact Marks: The Pros and Cons of each one in order of pact.

Mammon

When Mammon makes a pact with you, of course, it wasn't in the best circumstances

But after a while, your pacts become a symbol of companionship and trust

I think your pact would be in the palm of your hand because Mammon probably LOVES holding your hands

Along with that, I'm not gonna feed into the golden glow pact ideal, I would think the pact would be a shining silver that has a blue tint

A pro of this pact is that whenever you're in trouble or in need of Mammon's help, it burns his skin and it doesn't stop until he finds you, almost like a compass

You probably also find grimm or human money wherever you are due to it

Con's, if Mammon's in trouble, your pact mark will burn, but since you're human, it hurts a lot more

Luckily, you get a boost of luck, because, you know, greed

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Leviathan

Okay, I don't want to feed into the propaganda, but what if his pact mark was near or on your ankle

Not for any real reason other than the fact that he loves draping his tail on top of it or wrapping his tail around it

I feel like because Levi is the admiral general, people can sense that pact and they stay the fuck away

I also like to think that his pact glows green with envy whenever you feel envious of someone or something

Now a major con of this is that now you feel envious of almost everything

Even if you don't care about it or like it or even know about it you just feel envious

But a major pro is that now you can interact with sea life and they won't immediately try to kill you

So if you like animals that's plus

You also feel a lot stronger with Levi pact, it's mainly thinking that you're strong so it's more of a mental thing

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Beelzebub

You feel a lot less hungry because you and Beel now sorta share that body part...if that makes sense, like a Belphie and Beel thing

Which I think is the reason why we give Beel our food so much

Beel's pact is right over your heart because he's your protector

Your pact mark is also really large compared to the others because he cares a lot about you

His pact also glows gold because he has a heart of gold and it only glows gold when he's around you

You're also definitely much stronger with Beel's pact

He simply gave you that so he'll feel better

You're probably his first pact so he's at least happy that you're his first

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Asmodeus

Pro: Your skin will look clearer than it did before

Con: Asmo is gonna throw a fit if it's better than theirs

Your pact is surprisingly tiny

Like unrealistically tiny

And it's hidden on the back of your neck

Could this be because of his underlying insecurities?

I'd say so

You also get a minor confidence boast when you're around Asmo

His probably doesn't glow more than it shines

Like a piece of jewellery or gem

Unlike everybody else's, his pact lets off a shock of electricity whenever somebody touches it, including you and himself

That neither of you can explain

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Satan

I'm gonna go over this once and only once

If you are an easily irritable person or have major angry issues or have a problem with authority

My dear, we are one in the same, this pact is going to make you so much worse if you act on your urges

I like to think, similar to Mammon, whenever you are having fits of rage or need his help, he gets pulled towards you and it hurts like a bitch

I also think that is pact is very visible, like somewhere on your arm or on your shoulder

This one shines the brightest and it only shines when you are ready to kill someone, or at a mild inconvenience and is the only pact that'll glow through clothing so everybody knows

Oh and if you didn't act on those urges before, you sure as hell do now

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Belphgor

Now hear me out!

And don't judge this!

His pact mark is TOTALLY on your ass

HEAR ME OUT!!!

IT'S TOTALLY ON YOUR ASS

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU

Anyways

In the same way, you and Beel share a stomach, you and Belphie share a subconscious

Like, you're always awake because Belphie is always sleeping but when you both fall asleep together, you share dreams and although you don't remember them, Belphie does

And you both wake up so happy

Now, back to the pact mark, whenever you're tired, it alerts Belphie and he goes to find you, when you're tired, he's tired, always, so it's all good for him

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Lucifer

Of course, now we have our Lucifer

I won't lie to you, if Belphie's on your ass and Satan's on your arm, his covers your back

And I'm talking about all of it

You (if you wear bikinis) will never be able to hide it when you go out (for our shirtless peeps, you were never trying to hide it in the first place)

I think his pact would be on your back just because of his trauma of losing a set of wings

Because I know it's gotta fucking hurt when you feel your appendages get torn off

I would also like to think that his doesn't glow at all

Which is strange but neither of you questions it at all

You 100% feel so much more proud when you accomplish something that you really wanted to do well, small things sorta have the same effect but not when you do something you really love

Drawbacks of this are major back pain, waking up in cold sweats, remembering Lucifer's memories, feeling 100% more disappointed if you did something not so well

You also have to keep water on you at all times

Lucifer told you to but you have no idea why

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Bonus

Diavolo and Barbatos share a pact mark

That's it

They just share one

Think of it like a synced period but for pacts

It's also gotta be like on your wrist

Or at least on your dominant hand

That is all, have a good day

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

[bloodcoveredgf]

hearing some peoples takes on a quiet place day one pisses me offfff oh my god..... you people are insufferable it doesnt "not make any sense" and isnt "pointless and dragging on" because the movie focused on the characters and its entire focal point was that it focused on a terminally ill woman accepting that it didnt matter that it was the apocalypse she was dying anyway. she had already accepted that her world was ending. she Just wanted to visit the place that made her feel safe and happy she wanted pizza. that was her mission before the apocalypse even startedddd!! she wanted memories of her father and she already lost everyone and everything she loved and cared about and she was dyingggg and she wanted to make sure her cat was safe and had someone and wanted that someone to be safe too. Its not unrealistic or pointless and it makes complete and total sense. humans do shit like this. Just because its the end of the world doesnt mean every person on the planet will react the same and be so terrified and trying to flee and it actually Would and could bring people together. unlikely people. many people would want to return to places of comfort and security. and Many people would be terminally ill and over it all. its not some big oversight in the movies It IS the movie. human connection and personal journeys have a place in horror, there does not have to be 100% of the time high stakes and constant horror. there is time for that. there is a story being told too and its alright to not like that or give a shit about it but if youre complaining that it doesnt feel real or right and that its not "enough" of a reason or plot point you are missing the point and its so sad that you do not see how much it does make sense and is real and IS enough for those characters!!

[big-bad-a-detective-story]

Chapter 01

Tea shop. Wednesday, 6 pm.

Or at least, assumed.

Time didn’t seem on my side, as I watched a clock that refused to budge-- digits drumming against a clothed table to replace its deprived telltale ticking. Time had read 6 o’clock upon arrival of the establishment-- an ugly tea shop bearing just as tacky a name of ‘Jabberwock Tea’. Yet, despite what had, no doubt, been hours sitting amongst the elite far outside my own standings… Well, it still said 6 pm on the dot! 

Which was WRONG. 

It HAD to be!

I sighed, shifting my gaze across the room, following the noise that had been overpowering my senses for hours. The loud giggling of the three owners was beyond aggravating-- the Hatter, March Hare, and Dormouse going on about nonsense as they sampled their own supply. Ugh. Not only was it annoying, it also wasn’t a sound business practice, was what it was! You don’t make money, even if buying in bulk, if you’re the ones drinking most of the product. It was illogical, an unrealistic practice.

Mad, even.

Typical tact of loons that the likes of the Big Bad Wolf just couldn’t seem to shake. 

“Norman, are you even LISTENING to what I’m saying?”

I’d been caught. I hadn’t heard a word Felix had said for what I assumed had been an hour or better. But like any trained detective, I was ready to make the best of a bad situation-- using only my wit and razor sharp communication skills.

“Of course, heard every word, the garden, mhm.”

Felix stared at me, squinting and frowning. and I stared back. As a rule of thumb, a good detective also rarely backs down, even when the odds are not in their favor.

“Lucky guess.”

My stubborn defiance had paid off, this time. As well as my in-depth understanding of my roommate. I could read this guy like a book, predict his every move.

So how I had let him drag me here in the first place was a mystery even a great detective such as myself was unlikely to solve.

“Norman, you seem a little on edge this evening. Is everything alright?”

I felt myself wince and clench my teeth as a tea cup from the mad trio’s little tea party went whizzing past my head and shattered against the wall behind me.

“Who, me, nooo, I’m having a great time.”

Felix, perhaps as nutty as the other fruitcakes in the joint, merely sipped his tea as this all went down. The guy followed by furrowing his brows with a look of pity.

“This is about not having any cases, isn’t it? I’m sorry, baby, really I am.” 

That was when my roommate leaned across the table, gently placing a hand on top of mine. He patted it in a way a grandmother might after you told her you dropped your cookie down a manhole-- old croons cooing out promises that everything was going to be alright.

I wasn’t sure I liked it, truth be told. I snatched my hand back, glaring at the guy for patronizing my person. Felix didn’t seem to notice, as he carried on his yapping.

“Maybe it would help if we put an ad in the paper? You’d like that; strum up some more business, yeah? Daddy knows the owner of the Anderson Chronicle, and I’m sure he could place one by morning tomorrow. Have people lining up for miles!”

At this I scoffed, still rubbing my hand as I glowered into my cooled cup of tea. My amber reflection glared back, as we both grumbled at the idea.

“I don’t want your daddy doing me any favors. And… and I don’t want ads! It makes me sound so desperate! Like I’m some offbeat nobody begging for scraps!” 

This was a whine, and I knew it. But I couldn’t help it! Felix was right, after all-- I was beginning to crawl up the wall from not having anything to do! If I wasn’t solving a case, I wasn’t being a detective. And if I wasn’t being a detective, then I wasn’t being the Big Bad Wolf. And if I wasn’t being the Big Bad Wolf…

I didn’t know who I was.

The fox across the table must have been skilled in reading me as well-- as he ‘humphed’ softly at my dramatic decline of his proposition.

“Really now, Norman. Be reasonable, would you? You can’t just constantly expect cases to come running through the door! That’s not how life WORKS, hun.”

As if on a spectacularly timed cue, the door to the tea shop suddenly burst open, the place now filled with the cries of ... children? Everyone in the joint turned to stare at the three kids.

“Someone help!” The first cried out.

“I want my mommy!” The next wailed.

“She’s missing!” blubbered the third.

I couldn’t believe it! Weeks of nothing, and then just like that, a case! It was what I needed to get me out of this rut ... and out of this awful tea shop, to boot.

“Well here I stand corrected.” I heard Felix mutter; but, I had more important things to worry about now! I leapt from my seat and hurried over to calm the quavering kids.

“There, there! You’re fine. I’m here!” I assured them. They, at the very least, stopped their blubbering for the time being, to look up at me.

“Who are you?” one of them asked.

“Me? Why, I’m the Big Ba- uh.” Perhaps my usual name wasn’t the best choice for this particular situation. “You can call me, Detective.”

The little girl gasped, clearly impressed, perhaps even a little starstruck.

“Are you a real detective? Like on the television?”

“You betcha, kid. And don’t you worry, finding missing mothers just so happens to be one of my best skills.”

My good cheer was instantly soured by the approach of a parade of patrons popping my personal bubble.

“Perhaps we should call the police?” Asked an older woman, holding her spectacles like one might hold opera glasses. I was then pushed to the side by a bigger and burlier fellow, his bulk knocking me down with an unceremonious ‘oof’. 

“Where did you see your mother last, kids?” He asked gruffly, placing a hand on the smallest shoulder.

“Take some more tea, “ the March Hare said to the children earnestly, as his madcap counterpart did his best to thrust a whole teapot in their collective faces.

My pal Felix was busy helping me clamber back onto my feet, as I saw this all take place. The children looked terrified! Eyes wide, body trembling and the like. And a quick glance at the door showed there were other kids lurking, their goat faces appearing just as afraid as the older siblings in the room. And instead of doing anything of value, these people thought cornering them was the way to go? Where was the justice in that!

Oh, it all made my blood BOIL, let me tell ya!

With a stroke of inner fire within my being, I tore myself away from the grasp of my friend. Felix gasped, startled, as I squeezed myself in between the pack and the petrified progeny.

“Alright, back up! ” I barked, putting the ‘bad’ in ‘Big Bad Wolf. I glared at the room of full grown idiots. “ What in the name of Mother Goose is WRONG with you people?! Don’tcha see you’re SUFFOCATING them?”

I was huffing and puffing by this point, hat askew during all the commotion. It was then I noticed the kids clutched against my coat, and I momentarily found myself softening. However, there wasn’t time for me to play parent. What I needed was to look for clues before the trail went cold! I made eye contact with my number two, gesturing for him to come closer with a nod of my head.

“Felix, you watch the kids. Including the ones by the door. I’m going to investigate the crime scene.”

I pulled out my trusty magnifying glass from within my breast pocket, already heading towards the exit, when I stopped and quickly turned on my heel.

“And don’t call the cops! A REAL detective is on the case!”

And with that, I was off.

[quetzalpapalotl]

reverse hot take meme: tell me why I should care about Prowl?

I assume you’re talking about IDW1 Prowl. Truly I love him. I love how everyone is so passionate about him whether they love him or hate him. Mmm this was a fun ask and it got long, so under a cut it goes!

He seems like a good character to me, because I can always see where he’s coming from, even if he’s what we call an awful person. I think Prowl is the Phase 2 character with the most cohesion across his different writers. I know that may sound strange, Barber, Roche, and Roberts write him with a different flavor, yes, but I think they all have the same core understanding and just focus on different things according to their respective genres.

For example, JRo’s Prowl feels way pettier and more emotional than Barber’s, which fits with how Mtmte puts a lot of focus on interpersonal flaws. However, I’d argue Barber’s Prowl is just as petty, I mean *point to the whole ordeal with Spike on Earth* or like, he’s willing to let Caminus die so that Starscream doesn’t try to rule all the galaxy which while Starscream did wanted to control the Colonies, he would not start a war against the cosmos again, he knows better than that. Prowl’s motivations are influenced by the fact that he hates the Decepticons and he can’t let Starscream win, but he’s able to rationalize his actions so he can keep telling himself he’s entirely reasonable.

But you asked me to give you specifically reasons to care about him, so I will argue he’s a lot like Megatron (and oh, Prowl would flip a table if he heard me, that’s so fun):

Both Prowl and Megatron are people extremely Machiavellian and willing to do anything for their specific vision of the Greater Good and both are lacking in self awareness and won’t admit to their actual motivations or that their methods are antithetical to their supposed goals. There are both convinced they are the only one that can do what needs to be done. To Prowl’s credit, he’s far less vainglorious, while Prowl does want credit, he doesn’t need a whole cult to worship him. Prowl wants influence rather than power and unlike Megatron he doesn’t actually like violence. He’s actually quite disgusted by it, which is part of the reason he needs other people do it for him.

But both run on paranoia, spite and a need to be war. They both need the war to give them meaning. Again, to be fair to Prowl, I think he actually does genuinely want the vision he claims to want, but anything else will mean he was wrong and all the things he did was maybe not as justified so he has dug himself into a hole of keeping the war running until he gets his desired ending or his whole idea of himself falls apart. While Megatron will use this unrealistic vision to have an excuse to keep on fighting because fighting is what gives him meaning.

Okay yeah, they’re not exactly the same, but they do have neat parallels and you like Megatron, right?

Prowl feels deeply tragic to me, because while he was always kind of a prick, his pre-war self really did seem to operate on a belief that rules and order are good. He had a lot of ideas of the old Cybertron internalizes, yes, but he does attempt to make things better for everyone. He prevents Sentinel from eradicating the Decepticons, he tries to stand against corruption, tries to keep Orion in check. Yet everything still goes to hell, so he sort of goes “fine, if everyone is going to make compromises I will too, except I will do the right ones because I can tell what they are” and now he’s trapped in a cage of his own doing and he’s aware of it but too deep in his own head to change even when he wants to. There’s some delicious irony because more than anything Prowl wants to be understood, but he won’t value anyone’s input over his own.

He's interesting, there's a lot to chew about him. He's a good character. This is fiction so I think that more important than anything else you can say about him. Thinking about Prowl is endlessly entertaining, he's so full of pathos and irony.

Also fun fact: he's Barber's favorite character dasfhgjsa, I believe that, Barber has such fun playing with him. I think JRo also mentioned him being a favorite at some point(?)

[yes0another0outsiders0blog]

Finally rereading The Outsiders like I said I would. I think I'll probably be doing a chapter a day, even though it's short enough that I could probably bust it out in one or two sittings. I'm really prone to burnout and I am trying to write a bit each day and I have a job to work and adult tasks to do and such, so a chapter sounds like a good goal with that considered.

Also, I'm sick as a fucking dog while reading this first chapter. Not relevant, just a little fun fact.

Anyway, have my thoughts while I read it!!

The Outsiders Reread : Chapter One Notes

less than a page in and I'm already tired of Ponyboy being Not Like The Other Girls

he's 14, that's positive, I should not be able to stomach a well-written 14 year old on account of them acting very 14, but also shut the fuck up

"yeah, I read books, unlike EVERYONE ELSE" go to hell

not to intentionally misread and water down a character, but Ponyboy saying "but sometimes I just don't use my head" is literally all you need to fucking know. that's it, that's the book

we get it, Pony, you come from a very hot family, yall are all conventionally attractive. paragraphs, ffs

also, I love that Soda doesn't drink. that he has a drunk on life attitude. could absolutely never be me, love that for him, unfortunately I fw Two-Bit's vibes with alcohol a bit more--

and the fact that Soda is the only one that can tease Darry.

there isn't a single positive thing said about Dallas besides "I didn't like him, but he was smart and you had to respect him." but frfr he's so great.

but if I met any of these fuckers irl Soda is the only one that I'd have a chance in hell at not hating. and that's only because he seems like he'd be enough of an emotionally/socially intelligent people-pleaser to actively try to get someone to like him, lol.

kinda salty about Johnny being called the gangs pet, wtf Ponyboy. not like he's one person's main reason to live, is SUCH fucking ride or die, later kills a man for Pony. but yeah, he's a pet. he tags along. what the fuck ever, man. if anything, Ponyboy (you know, the person that's mainly part of the gang bc he tags along with his older brothers, the BABY of the group, the quiet & sensitive one that doesn't have a single braincell outside of pure booksmarts) is the pet. like, sure, Johnny has trauma and is really quiet, but let's be so fr right now.

despite what is said in the book (bc it's Ponyboy's pov so we only get his perspective, obviously) I'm sure Darry gets after Soda too.

also, oldest children that become parental figures in some degree are allowed to be mean to their baby siblings. it's our right. as a 20-something year old with a young teen baby brother with common sense in the negatives, I am very biased in saying that Darry is always objectively 100% correct in every situation ever (heavily exaggerating, I just relate a lot).

forever mad that we don't get more Sylvia!!! my most random fav!!! so much love to her!!! she's basically an oc with how little we get of her and how many headcanons I have, I don't even really like the main fanon version of her either, but GOD she's my girl fr

NO BECAUSE WHEN I WAS 14 IF SOMEONE PULLED THEIR OWN KNIFE TO DO A DISSECTION THE WAY MY TONGUE WOULD BE DOWN THEIR THROAT. Ponyboy, babygirl, you did NOT deserve for that girl to hate on you like that. RUDE.

"Dallas deserves everything he gets, and should get worse, if you want the truth." agreed, that's my though process as I'm making the nastiest headcanons for him. my life's goal is to make this man suffer or make him into a loser, and all my hcs do both

breaks my heart so much how Ponyboy talks about Darry, leave my boy ALONE, dude!!!

my headcanons for Darry are usually the exact opposite of my hcs for Dally, I just want this guy to have the very best ong. I'll get so unrealistic with it too, bitch, YES I'll give you an absolutely stunning sugar mommy, babe!! just stop being stressed and stop having bad things happen for a few minutes!!! I almost struggle making in character, good headcanons for him because I just want to give him fluff and filler only and nothing else--

[adamsvanrhijn]

i think thomas' story may be more immediately sympathetic because he's this guy with nothing who just really wants to survive, whereas one of oscar's primary goals is not just to survive (which like. is clearly one of his goals! not just continuing being rich but avoiding reputational death and ostracism for himself and his family) but also to get a bunch more money so he can continue living a life of immense luxury. however i get the hunch that oscar dislikers probably are not also thomas fans (tell me if im wrong?) so i don't think it's just that. you're so right that thomas gives the viewer a lot of space to imagine his motivations though and leeway for interpretation. this is kind of getting off the oscar train, but i recently read the well of loneliness and felt like in many ways, the way radclyffe hall describes the main character's constant sense of being apart and separate and how she always feels like she's being laughed at or mocked even when she is not (there's this really affecting scene where she's on a hunt and starts to envision herself as the fox), which makes it very hard for her to essentially show off her good qualities when she's interacting with "straight society." i thought that this is essentially thomas' mindset and situation that drives his bad decision-making. the well of loneliness is definitely coming from that tradition of the gay person as part of a "third sex" (hall's words) that is forced to stand apart and is alienated bc of their intrinsic difference. oscar as a character is nothing like this because he doesn't have this conception of his sexuality or himself as an "other," which is explicitly discussed in the show to their credit!! but is perhaps still hard for the modern viewer who thinks about sexuality in terms of identity to relate with. i'm sorry about this super long ask lol i'd put it in the replies but my replies are broken </3

oh yes absolutely i think that in general the class aspect is Huge — both of them are, for most modern viewers i would expect, at two ends of the spectrum with lots of associated social ideas that serve the perception of their character — generally not in oscar's favor but not necessarily in thomas's either! like i think you're right that thomas is more sympathetic in general for his social position and what he does and doesn't Have, and i suspect the authorial intent is for viewers to feel that way given how thomas is presented literally from day one... but at the same time, on the flip side, a lot of people perceive thomas the same way that in the show, the others at downton abbey do: that his unwillingness to Know His Place is something worthy of criticism, and that he thinks he is entitled to things he doesn't really deserve, and that he should be able to settle for what he has and any desire not to do this is unreasonable or unrealistic of him and unlikely to turn out in his favor—and that is a sentiment that even devout thomas fans have aligned with as well.

some of those thomas fans have been vocal about their distaste for oscar.

i haven't read the well of loneliness in a very very long time but that's a compelling comparison — i mean da 2.02 alone speaks volumes about how thomas sees himself and his position in the world, and i think that aligns with what you're saying here.

i also think when we talk in terms of identity and self-definition, oscar is an interesting position in that, as you say, he doesn't conceptualize himself and his behavior as being intrinsic to his sense of self, and resists this when it is posed to him, but...

practically, he clearly does recognize that he is in a particular position that is related to his feelings and his behavior! "plenty of men have had to make exactly the same decision; they can't all be wretched" (not an exact quote i cba to look it up) in 1.03 i would say is the first instance of this, and then of course we have the everything of 1.08 — his calling out the difference between what he is doing and what he isn't doing, and recognition of the social consequences of this. like i think oscar is very careful not to other [verb] himself... but he is very extremely aware of how he might be othered by those in his community whose good opinion matters for him to lead the life he wants to lead. it's not quite that the box doesn't exist; the box does exist and he wants to stay away from it at all costs, while at the same time wanting to live his life in a way that is comfortable for him.

there's the material piece of that of course but also like... oscar is choosing to make choices that are likely to result in his being perceived a certain way. could he not Simply Not Do That? it's an interesting dimension to his character that clearly the answer for him is no, he can't just Not Do That (and as gay people all the world over know, it's not simple or easy to compromise yourself that way at all), while he also very desperately wants to have and exceed what everyone else has and to be perceived in a way that is going to at times be at odds with how he is actually presenting himself to the world.

[sugar-omi]

HI IM AN INSANE BAXSTAN AND SWIFTIE AND UR RYT MR PERFECTLY FINE HAS IMMENSE BAXMC POTENTIAL

while i think its not Unlikely for mc to forgive baxter within the span of the dlc, i DO think theyre not given enough options to feel complicated abt it. u pretty much have to decide how to feel from the start, and arent given a lot of room to change ur mind. For example, my mc Anne is a very forgiving person, especially with bax bc she understands his need to be entertaining & liked. HOWEVER she starts the dlc off thinking "ok if hes gonna be distant i can do that" but then when he jokes with xavier shes like "well im CONFUSED now and i need answers" and shes irritated, but also still likes him. after the bowling she hugs him and is still like confused, but again likes him still. by the time shes baking with him, shes both confused and endeared with him but is kinda harsh with him, even when hes apologizing at the wedding.

All this to say; its not UNREALISTIC mc would forgive in that timespan, its just the lack of complexity mc is or is not afforded that makes it feel too fast. additionally, while u do get to be mad, theres no real moderation for it, and no way to be like "this is a start, but it will take time to trust him fully again". so yeah, it feels rushed and personally i think it was rushed to be released due to whatever reasons (either not caring abt baxter or wanting to work on olnf, who knows)

anyway, i would go on about baxters dlc and its shortcomings for hours if given a chance so for now ill just call it here <3 signed, 🌸Anon

YES YES I AGREE

i do think there was a lotta effort n good stuff but into baxter, and i also havent replayed it since they updated some stuff so maybe its a bit better since release

but i do agree i think the emotional range is very limited its either "idc anymore", "im mad", "i look back fondly", "im pretty sad abt it", n all that stuff n its just pretty straight forward in whatever you choose

i think step 4 is a bit short? maybe?

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS PRETTY FLESHED OUT, now i haven't acted professional w baxter, i tried but i just didnt have time to go through w the route. but there are options!!! its just one and done i think so its kinda like, you cant express How conflicted you are

bc realistically id be so sad but i also hold a grudge so id be like "yeah you say you love me n all that n i GET IT but also im scared"

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS BC WE ARE PLAYING IT WITH SEVERAL HOURS??? like MC has 5 years to get through the emotions, but the time between him saying "see you never!!!" and "omg hi, i miss u but u dont need me but i miss u?!?!!?!" is like less than 5 minutes so.....

LITERALLY I WAS PLAYING IT THE FIRST TIME N I WAS LIKE "you bastard, fuck you. i hate you. stfu. YOURE SO CUTE. you ASSHOLE. i am going to KISS YOU. i want to slap you so fucking bad right now"

like pls i was freaking out during my first playthru

i think baxter's dlc was more focused on the "i am hurt" and "i have XYZ reasons for being like this" and it goes through all that and its less "lets work through your complex feelings/this is how you reacted when we met again bc you felt/feel very conflicted and now we will work thru it"

BAXTER DLC IS LITERALLY "I CAN FIX HIM" OMFG

but honestly i like the baxter dlc better than the derek dlc bc i HATED how "i can do everything by myself!!!!" derek was in step 2 and how sibling focused it was, i man i still loved it of course but i wish derek n mc had more 1 on 1 time

and then in step 4 it was like "i missed out on everything, i feel shitty n im sorry!" and mc just.... idk maybe i need to play it again but i was still mad derek ghosted for a whole step n then it was still very family focused, and while i loved that as well

i just wanted more derek by himself, i wanted to pamper him n love him n just yk

idk, all the dlc's are so good but i do think the forgiveness is very quick which makes sense bc they're making ol2 but man, i would love if it was just double the length or half that to just flesh it out some bc i wanted some sweet moments w the boys as well :(((

ANYWAY YES I DO AGREE ITS NOT UNREALISTIC

just unrealistic for ppl like me who take 2-3 years to get over wtf happened and another 2 to actually settle in my decision to forgive 😂😂 but even then, if i had 5 years to get over it i could prbly forgive him after a lot of crying and a bit of screaming LMAO

[tomwambsganshater]

ok actually mai zenin post sorry this is not structured in any way im just rotating her in my mind. also i moved yesterday n im very tired so it doesnt help

the thing abt mai is she's addicted to pain and failure and was fated to never escape from the beginning. shes the bug in the system, the unneeded one who prevented maki from reaching her full potential and escaping. she's always known it'd end with her death, that any meaningful change had to involve her death, that every minute she lived was selfish and stolen from her sister bc in truth she shouldnt have been born. but well she's weak, only ever strong enough to realize just how weak she is, blessed with yorozu's incredibly strong CT but with so little cursed energy she can at best conjure one ridiculous bullet a day, as opposed to maki who was always strong enough to either break down or ignore any obstacle, who wasn't terrified of every cursed spirit they saw. and she doesn't want to confront her selfishness bc while maki wants a better life, dignity, freedom, respect etc all mai wants is to be with her. bc well when you're raised in the horror house with your cousin who constantly talks abt making you his wife and everyone who acts like your purpose in life is to marry someone in the clan to further the bloodline and sometimes your father looks at you like he wants you dead and you feel like he could do it on a bad day you're gonna look at your sister who's joining the men's trainings and organizations and is the only person who treats you decently and protects you and think well if there's someone I have to marry in this hellhole I want it to be her. and you grow up and you realize it's unrealistic and fucked up and that even the whole clan marriage thing is fucked up from the outside but your feelings don't change bc no matter how much you hate it you're a zenin and this house's print on you is indelible. and eventually your sister leaves you and it feels like a giant betrayal, that you weren't enough for her to be happy when she was enough for you. and you get out too and you make normal friends but you're still a zenin and it feels wrong to live without that constant weight on your back and you don't really know if you hate your sister or love her anymore and it's probably both. and then sister school event and there's nobara saying your upbringing doesn't matter, you're a bad person and a bitch and maki had the same childhood and yet turned out fine so its your fault youre that way. and you hate her and how close she seems to be to maki bc yet another way you're left behind and replaced for smth better, healthier, normal. and it's good for her but you're incapable of moving on or being any of these things. and it's like well is she right is it your fault? is it your fault that you're too weak and can't overcome the zenin? That you dont try to fight them? Is it your fault that you're not maki, that you're inferior to her in every way? Where does personal responsibility end and where does social conditioning begin? Is it your fault that you're unlikable fucked up selfish incapable of dealing with your feelings and and that it's inseparable from the zenin upbringing? You're a bad victim you don't fight back and you absorb everything toxic abt that house and spit it back onto unrelated people. and in the end you die miserably, predictably, inside the zenin house by your father's hand finally fulfilling your destiny of disappearing to allow your sister to make some change. and you might have never been happy or free but all your repressed anger and terror at everybody who lives inside your fucked up house has to go somewhere and you put it all into your last wish, a final curse to your sister who's gonna have to deal with your mass murder desire. selfish and powerless and a freak to the end but you got the last word

[venxomi]

I SAW UR ANALYZING POST DO NOT SAY THAT MY FAVS WILL NOT DIE (im in denial and coping) 🙁😞

actually tho theres three ways this situation can go from my perspective, which is

1. Yashiro makes it to the school, and fixes the clock and EVERYONE comes back (which is not likely at all and unrealistic)

2. Everyone dies and Yashiro makes it to the clock still and changes it back but at what cost because would they all really come back? And plus the evil spirit from the red house is still going to be there and maybe its gonna remember everything and still come after nene?

3. Everyone dies and yashiro doesn’t make it to the clock (probably ending the manga) which is also pretty unlikely

I still feel like the manga is coming to an end personally though, because right now it feels like its getting near or AT the climax, because i think we have all the answers to everything or almost everything don’t we? So its like what now 😭 i mean its kinda already going downhill yk? Cus it foesnt seem like its going in a good direction even if yashiro fixes the clock/time

Sorry I’m ranting 😞 these past few chapters have me stressed to the max 😭😭

AidaIro is honestly very unpredictable. I think Nene will succeed in restoring the old timeline, but the mental hardships suffered will likely HEAVILY impact not only her mental health and worldview, but also the relationships with other characters, especially Hanako and Teru. Nene's not going to get a break either way, because once this arc is over no. 1's Yorishiro will 100% be destroyed, leaving Tsukasa as the last one left. Hell will ensue.

The real question is if the others will remember, because if they do, they're cooked mentally aswell. I cannot imagine Hanako, who already hates himself so much and finds himself filled with guilt, to remember the actions he was forced through in the alternate timeline. It's more or less the same situation with the others.

The manga is not coming to an end. There's too many plotlines yet unsolved, and since the manga is monthly, expect at least 5 more years worth of content. Not only is the Yugi twins lore unfinished, we still have the Minamoto clan lore, dad Minamoto, granny Minamoto, Sakura and Natsuhiko's characters are still covered in complete mystery, gods lore, exactly how the School Mysteries were assigned and the circumstances around this, Amane's key, Hanako's seal, etc.

[christian-perspectives]

Approach God With Confidence And Care

The writer of Ecclesiastes offered some valuable insight on how we should approach God. In our verse for today, he reminded us of where God resides compared to where we live. Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2 As we read the first verse of this chapter, we might find ourselves asking the following question. Do you think God purposely gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason? As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. Ecclesiastes 5:1 What did the writer mean when he said, “to make a mindless offering to God.” What could we, as human beings, offer to the creator of the universe? I’ve heard of many people who have tried to approach God by making some sort of deal with Him. Maybe you have done it a time or two. I’m talking about when we try to persuade God with shallow promises. You know, something like this, Lord, if you get me through this, I’ll do, or I’ll never do this again. Maybe you thought you gave your request a lot of thought when you decided to approach God. Anytime we go to the Lord with such a request or to deal with Him, it’s unrealistically mindless. People will often tell someone what that person wants to hear. We do the same when talking to the Lord. But unlike people, God knows our hearts and our motives.

Hastily Bringing Matters Before God

The thoughts in this chapter pierce right into the center of our humanity. After saying don’t make rash promises, verse 2 says, “Don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God.” A woman attended one of our Sunday morning services. Later that week, my wife and I visited her and her husband. He wasn’t interested in God because he had grievances against Him. He had a painting business and blamed the Lord for his lack of work and lost contracts. I found out later that week that he had visited our church parking lot on two different evenings. Upon those visits, he did something very peculiar. He stood in the middle of the lot and shouted at God. He made his disappointments in God vocally loud enough for the neighbors to hear him. I understand I have just given you an extreme example of hastily bringing matters before the Lord. But, whether we do it loudly or under our breath, God said don’t hastily approach Him. We don’t have the right to question God’s actions, to get upset with Him, or blame Him for anything. We must remember God is in heaven, and we are here on earth. The writer followed that statement with this; “So let your words be few.” He didn’t write that as a stand-alone sentence. He wrote it in the context of hastily approaching God.

A Warning From Solomon

After Solomon, the writer of Ecclesiastes, offered us this insightful advice, he continued by issuing a warning. When you make a promise to God, don’t delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. It is better to say nothing than to make a promise and not keep it. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5

These two verses go beyond making mindless offerings to God to sincerely speaking with the Lord. Think about a time when you experienced the presence of God in a church service. You found yourself in an emotional and spiritual high, and God spoke directly to your heart. During that time, you made a commitment (also called a promise) to the Lord. Everything about what had just happened with you was real, including God’s presence and your response to it. But what often happens when Monday morning rolls around? You remember the awesome spiritual experience of the day before but not your commitment to God. Later in the week, it becomes a fleeting thought of something you’ll get around to doing. Take heed of this warning so we don’t sin by delaying in keeping the promises we make to God. Which also includes trying to renege on them by saying we made a mistake. Don’t let your mouth make you sin. And don’t defend yourself by telling the Temple messenger that the promise you made was a mistake. That would make God angry, and he might wipe out everything you have achieved. Ecclesiastes 5:6

Approach the Throne of God with Boldness

The scriptures encourage us to approach God, and we can without fear. But we must approach Him with reverence and awe. The Psalmist laid out for us the magnitude of God. Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world. Psalm 46:10 We have the freedom, however, to go before the Lord without hesitation. Because of Jesus, we can approach the throne of God boldly and with confidence.  - So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16 - Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. Ephesians 3:12

One Day Everyone will Approach God

We constantly hear people of the world around us denying God and using His name in vain. But the Old and New Testaments both tell us what God will require of every person born. - I have sworn by my own name; I have spoken the truth, and I will never go back on my word: Every knee will bend to me, and every tongue will declare allegiance to me. Isaiah 45:23 - At the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:10-11 Some already have or will bow to Him here on the earth. Others, whether they believe in God or not, will approach Him on their knees before He judges them. Lord, help us understand the importance of our promises and commitments to you and others. As we bow before you, we want to approach your throne, God, with all sincerity. Check out these related posts about prayer. - The Necessity Of Powerful Intercessory Prayer - Seek Forgiveness Of Sins Through Prayer - Jesus Prayed For Us! Did You Know That? - The Altar Of The Lord - Moses Interceded For Israel With Great Results Read the full article

[skyria-thehourglass]

[For You] - Chapter ?? Side.Yunna

Rough draft Ver.

* Rough draft. Not the official version, choppy and frequent misspellings.

*Contains spoilers for [For You]

*Some trigger warnings for su!cide, but nothing that explicit.

*A character's morals do not necessary match the author's.

Everything is so white.

The walls are white. The floor is white. The ceiling is white.

The room is empty, no furniture.

The room seems to stretch on endlessly- or were this just a trick of the eyes?

There is no apparent light source either, but no place is dark.

All are what Yunna can infer, waking up to this room out of the blue. Or out of the white. Much is a blur but she can make out this much, at least.

She recognizes the clothes she has on to be hers. A grey and comfy hoodie, black tights, long socks, and the white tennis shoes that her mother used to wear. She feels around for her phone, but can't find it. Drat.

But wherever she is, she is unfamiliar with. Neither does she have any memory of walking into this place.

Memory loss... Kidnapping.... She does believe alcohol and drugs can be crossed out- she's both underage and has no connections to get drugs. She also has no reason to do so as well.

This place does remind her of a form of torture where someone is placed in a room of no color- aside from white. Did some crazy person kidnap her for something?

Possible. Plausible. Probable?

Her family is poor. Not money. She also doesn't think that she has done anything to anyone that they would hate her so much as to do this. But then again, possible. She could have been unlucky enough to just have interacted with a mentally unstable person.

Yunna shifts her vision to her left, then right as she strains to get up. Must have been lying for a while, or could have been the effects of some drug. Likewise, the people next to her wake up with discomfort. They seem just as disoriented and nauseous as her.

Including herself, there are three of them there. Her, a taller girl, and an even taller man. She has never seen any of them in her entire life.

Understandably, the girl seems confused and panicked, swerving her head around here and there, eyes shaking and breath hitched.

This lessens the probability of her being her assailant, if there are any in this situation. More likely are they to be in the same peril as her than have caused it.

Nevertheless, better if she does not trust them. Yunna shouldn't speak first and rather let another lead. Having the first word reveals information of yourself to uncertain ones.

Yunna scrunches her eyes and gets her sight to refocus. She scannes the two figures, left to right from her current spot.

Both are dressed. The girl has that pretty platinum blond hair that a classmate in Yunna's kindergarten also had, and grey-blue eyes. She looks to be around her teens, a few years older than her.

She's mainly clothed in casual wear, a black skirt and a white shirt. Her hair is styled into high pigtails, and she would of looked quite lively had not her face been so distressed.

The other really stood out. Was he at some cosplay convention before this? Nevermind with the three of them, even in a crowd he would be noticable.

The man is basically coated in golden accessories and jewelry. They clink with every movement, almost musical. His hair is silver and long, long to the point it reaches the ground. Huh. She's never seen a character like that before. Could be someone she doesn't know or just an original work.

Oh, but this most definitely is hard work. Each metal piece looks so real and shiny, as well as intricate. That white dress he's wearing underneath has a nice glow as well, and looks smooth.

At his hip is an embroidered belt fastening a sword. The hilt glints, and Yunna won't lie; she is enchanted. That costume really looks good. He genuinely feels like some angel or god in that get up. Ha. She could've even convinced herself had not that idea been so unrealistic.

Unlike her, he does seem less disoriented but more dazed. He gets up more easily, though slowly with his head down. He makes no sounds of pain or discomfort throughout this ordeal. Silent he is.

Still, despite the situation, there is something about seeing a man in cosplay that calms her nerves down. Something about seeing something; she can't describe it well enough, but oh.

And despite her thoughts before, maybe seeing some fantasy outfit gets her to dull her edge.

"Hey."

She talks to him.

And when a pair of opalite turnes to her, Yunna actually gets her breath hitched.

It's like the music has suddenly halted. Something so sudden and uncalled for, something akin to walking down a park and then getting stomped by an elephant with fairy wings.

Except that the park is some white room with no doors, and the winged elephant is a man in a fantasy cosplay. She also hasn't got stomped on. No. Just....

God. Wow. That is the most prettiest face that she has ever seen.

Yunna can see the man searching. Something flashes in his eyes and his eyes widen. Huh.

The silver haired man lets out a shakey breath. He stumbles and almost falls. A desperate smile makes a way to his face.

"Oh...." The man mumbles, unsheathing his sword. He stares up, towards the air as he sighs. "I'm too tired for this."

There's a moment of silence, and then a splatter of red as a bundle of sliver hair drops to the ground. A second, more audible thunk followes a little after.

It takes a good stare to realize what just happened. and even then Yunna can not really process much. She stands still in her area, just fixing her sight onto that bundle.

What a sudden person. He appears in her life without any foreshadowing, suddenly takes all her focus, suddenly pulls out a sword, and suddenly kills himself.

Absentmindedly, she admires him, humming softly. The man is still beautiful even without life in his body. Even his blood and bleeding wound feel more artistic than gruesome.

Yunna takes a step forward. She wants to kiss him and feel his skin. Hug him with enough force to squeeze and cup his face in her hands. Paint his blood onto her legs and press his cheek to hers.

But his eyes are most definitely the main attraction. She has never seen such beautiful eyes ever. They are stars and gems, a pair of the most precious diamonds.

An urge to lick them surfaces with a excited quesy sense. She wishes to preserve him in clear resin and put on display, but to also have him as he is and able for her to touch.

A loud exclamation behind her reminds Yunna that she isn't the only person in here. So she cannot do such. Not with someone else watching.

Yunna can't even feel him with the cover story that she was checking on him or trying to help him- he is obviously dead. She cannot think of a good enough excuse as to why she would have touched him.

The blond girl has her mouth agape and stares horrified, taking a stumbly step and backing away. A strangled cry is let out of her mouth, reminesnt of when her younger brother gagged at the smell of the trash when it had stayed for too long and rotted.

With all things, she can understand her agastity, but she does have to wonder why some people have to scream so loud and long. Ah well.

Yunna turns back. No need for her to spend much time with others. If she can't find full satisfaction, she'll least memorize him and remember this sight for the rest of her life. Once she finds some material to draw on, she can get that image onto something.

Truly a gut-wrenching shame that her phone is gone. While human memory was easily mailable, a digital photo was not.

She imagines what she would do if she could. She would look at it each day, when she woke up, when she was alone, in the middle of her homework, and before sleep. She is fully sure she would even design a character based on him, and make it the main character.

While she wouldn't have the picture saved as her background- for people could glance and question her, Yunna would think of him with every breath. She would spend time in class spacing out and fantasizing about his past and how he would be like, how he fought, what his favorite things were, and if he was good or bad at anything.

She would just think, think, and think of him.

He would be her love of life, even when she would be married to another with romantic intentions, bear offspring, and raise them. She would tell of him in fantasy stories to the children, and fill their childhoods of a beautiful man with the most transfixing of eyes. Then the children will grow to adults, and relay the story to their own, letting the passing of time immortalize him in her bloodline.

Of course, this was if she could even get out of here though, in this place. None of that was going to happen if she didn't. But maybe least she could die watching his corpse rot. That would be nice---

"Uh, hey, um.... Uh.... Excuse me?"

Unsure but considerably more calmed down, the blond girl speaks to her. It forcibly drags Yunna out of her daydreaming and back to reality.

"Oh, uh, yeah?" She responds, turning her full body towards the girl. But her mind is still racing on the man, thinking of how he would look with seraph wings or pearls. "Sorry." She gives a curt nod sideways and fixes her face to look a little shaken as well.

"Oh no! Oh no, um a, it's fine. No need for you to say sorry, uh... " The girl fiddles her fingers, averting her eyes from Yunna.

"Do you.. know where we are?"

Yunna turns her head to the side. "No."

A simple and short answer. She does hope her tone came off polite enough to not be considered rude, so just in case she adds, "I have never been in this place before."

The girl nods. "Yeah. Me too. Last I remember, I was taking like, a walk, and then I wake up here...."

The two converse for a while, exchanging information of themselves. Yunna learns that the girl's name is Lea. She complements her name and Lea complements hers in return.

Eventually, the two come to the conclusion that they need to move. For safety(and comfort) they decide to travel together.

Yunna mutters an apology under her breath as she untwines the sword from the mans hands. She does find a jolt of excitement at being able to feel his skin while doing so.

They leave, picking a random direction to walk. Yunna clutches the sword tighter. Keeping her grip firm.

.

.

.

.

This is set after Aleion's first death, when three transmigrators were gathered. Nia and Yunna don't have memories, but Aleion does, and as such immediately offs himself the moment he realizes where he is.

These memories get wiped when the three actually get to the world. But Yunna's fixation is also what gets her to recognize Aleion as another player, as she finds a close attraction to Aleion and find out there are other players.

This is also why Aleion does not have a strong sense to both Nia or Yunna, unlike the two of them, as he never really got to interact with any of them before.

[depressingrantblog]

10-8-23

Update

So, I’m 20 now. It’s been a long two years of not knowing what I’m doing with my life. Right after highschool I started out working at CVS. I’ve been there for 2 years and I’ve got a good chunk of savings for the car I want to buy as soon as I learn how to drive. That is something I’ve been saying I need to do but I haven’t really worked on much because of anxiety about the idea of driving. At this point, I finally finished reading my drivers ed book I got from the SoS. I did the little 10 question test in the back of the book and got all of the questions correct, all I need to do is get a SoS appointment and take the test to get my TIP. The problem is is that I need someone to take me to that but everyone is busy all the time. I’m sure it doesn’t help having to take me back and forth to work. But it’s starting to get really old. And I just feel too old to not be driving. It’s really embarrassing but even my little brother (16) got his license before me. I’m trying not to be salty about it.

In the past two years I took two different semesters at two colleges and never stayed at either. I didn’t really like EMU and WCC was nice but I wanted to decide what I really wanted to do before I spent a bunch of money on it. I partially decided I wanted to do the construction manager program at WCC because one thing I always saw myself doing since I was a child was designing houses. I thought that would be a good start since I’m not smart enough or disciplined enough to get into architecture school. At least I would know how to build houses. But I’m still not sure. I just want to know how to drive and have a car before I go back at least.

The most positive advancement I’ve made was finding a guy. At some point I got so lonely that I got on hinge trying to look for a partner. I briefly talked to a couple guys. But one guy stood out and I immediately picked him. We have so much in common it’s like we’re the same person. I really like him (I think he likes me??). The problem is is that every time we’ve tried to make plans or meet up, they always fall through. At some point I was using so much of my energy to work on the relationship that I was driving myself crazy. So personally I’m taking a break from trying to advance things and leaving up to him or fate.

Right now our relationship is more like friends with the option to be in a relationship. We still occasionally flirt with each other or talk about sex stuff but at this moment it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Which I’m not too upset about. I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time since I enjoy talking to him, although I was feeling a bit disappointed a while ago.

I just like him. I really hope he likes me too. It’s really hard online dating vs the real thing. I didn’t intend for it to be thing way but we live 165 miles away from each other and neither of us have a car at the moment. Whenever I would ask him what we are, he would say we shouldn’t define it until we meet, which I completely agree with, it’s just hard now even thinking about meeting since it’s been a whole year. And now we’ve got these romanticized versions of each other and our relationship, it would be hard not to be disappointed.

In the end, all I really want is someone to love me, listen to me, be able to share everything with each other, take care of each other, and have fun together. I just think we’re so similar that we’d be perfect together. I’m just secretly worried that he prefers a different type of girl (like maybe a more unrealistic type). I wouldn’t want him to feel like he’s “settling” for me (and then end up killing me or something).

10-10-23

Lately I feel extremely happy.

I think I’ve discovered which depression I have. It’s Persistent Depressive Disorder. It’s pretty much a lower grade lifelong depression unlike Major Depressive Disorder which is more severe but only lasts for a short amount of time but consistently. PDD is always there; lingering. Even when I’m not feeling depressed I always feel like any small thing can trigger it. One small thing can cause me to overthink, putting me into a depression. Usually, I’d be depressed for about 2 (sometimes 3) weeks out of the month or even every couple of days. This has been going on since I was 12 on and off (8 years) but I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid as well, I’m just not sure if can classify it the same. It’s super exhausting living with PDD, it feels like I can never catch a break and in the worst moments it makes me feel like I’ve never been happy in my entire life; which obviously isn’t true. On really bad days I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about making myself look nice, I don’t care what I eat, as long as I can get energy from it, I don’t care about talking to the people I like or doing the things I like to do. I just wake up and try to endure the day until it’s over with.

I’m pretty sure being depressed for that amount of time straight probably wrecks your body and kills you faster. I’m also pretty sure it’s maternally genetic in my family. That’s why I bought one of those 23&me health tests. It can tell me what percentage I’m likely to get a depressive disorder along with other percentages on my health and genetic diseases. I need to also see my doctor about my depression, I’ve talked to her about it before. Formally I’ve been diagnosed with seasonal depression, which it is true that my depression does get worse during the winter, but the PDD is the major factor.

But I just wanted to report that despite all the depression surges I’ve had recently, I’ve been feeling very happy for the past week. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of me and I can finally breathe. I know it’s temporary but I’m trying to enjoy it. Little things aren’t bothering me and I’m not overthinking. Usually when I am feeling temporarily happy I try to avoid anything that’s gonna me overthink. But right now I’ve even encountered things that would usually trigger overthinking and they don’t bother me. I feel great.

It sounds silly but some of the reasons I am so happy are because I did finish the drivers ed book. I have been stressing myself out about it for the past two years. I was worried that I would read the entire book and miss something extremely important and cause a crash or something. So that’s one weight off my shoulder. Another thing is I was able to get my grandpa to help me put up my new blinds and curtains for my room that I’ve been holding on to since Christmas. I asked my mom to get me them so I could try to make my room look nicer. It’s been stressing me out that they were taking up space in my room. I know it’s completely ridiculous, but I think it’s those two little things being erased from my to-do list that makes me feel so much relief. I’m trying to enjoy this moment so I’m even gonna stress the next things I have to do.

I also wanted to say, I quit self harming 2 years ago (nearly relapsed a few times) and it feels good to have healthier coping mechanisms. I feel more mature. Although I do still need to get treatment for depression, I’m not having any suicidal thoughts, self harm rarely crosses my mind. My coping mechanisms probably could be better. Right now to help me get through a depression, I will listen to music, ignore everything that upsets me, watch tv and movies just trying to keep myself entertained and distracted until it is over. I’ve lived through it so long now that it’s pretty much normal to me. It comes in waves and I almost find a comfort in it. It’s like when you’re sick and you’re trying to relax and let your body heal itself. Even with that, it’s still awful. That’s just the dark, bright-side of it. Hopefully still, I’d like to be able to feel as happy as I do now, all the time.

I just wanted to update this blog with some life updates. Originally, I made it during the pandemic when my depression was at an all-time low. I doubt anyone is ever going to read this, I just wanted to make it for myself. It was actually kind of shocking to see where I was at the last time I posted. So hopefully my next life update will be even better.

[notasimpleslater]

I've been going back and rereading all of the articles that have come out since this whole mess began (at least the verified ones- TMZ, ET, the like) and while we're all on the same page that 99% of these sources are actually personal representatives from Ari/Ethan's teams to try and spin the whole story in their favour, I simply cannot believe how bad of a job they're doing of it, especially since Scooter Braun, the apparent ringleader of all of this, is so famous for controlling media -

-narratives for his clients. It truly seems to me that the PR teams would look at how people reacted to what was put out that day and then essentially try and say the opposite when the reaction wasn't good trying to win back public favour, and it wasn't even well hidden or disguised; I feel like literally everyone in the world can see what's going on and that everything that has come out from these 'sources' is nothing but damage control and trying to get a handle on the public's reaction. - -Ethan and Ari are dating, but the public reaction is bad? Ok, we'll say that they're on opposite sides of the country and can't see each other. People are calling that BS? Okay, they're still super in love and want to be together and would 'be seen together tomorrow' if they could be. The public think's that's gross and crass? Okay, they're 'taking amicable time apart'. People are ridiculing them for blowing up their families only to break up a few weeks after it goes public? Okay, their- -relationship is 'still progressing'. What's that? People are poking holes in that story? Okay, they actually haven't seen each other in weeks. What I'm saying is that it seems that they're waiting to see what the general consensus is and then crafting their story around that, which is unintentionally muddying the timeline even more and making them look worse. I don't appreciate how they keep treating us like we're stupid- at this point literally everybody knows that Ari's team- -if not also Ethan's is behind every 'source' coming out, though I will say it's interesting how every 'source' is going above and beyond to paint Ariana in this wonderful, gracious light and talk her up while sort of shitting on Ethan, but anyways. The mature, responsible thing to do (since they're claiming thats' what they're TRYING to do) would be for Ethan and/or Ari to come out and make a statement. But instead their PR teams think they can just trick us into believing what they want us to- -regardless of how unrealistic or unbelievable or outright easily disproven their version of events are. And at the end of the day, I'd expect this from the Grande camp but for all of Ethan's social justice and uprightism that he's displayed on social media I would hope that he wouldn't be content to just sit back and watch this all play out. I understand he may be limited on what he can/can't say and that he's got bigger priorities, but one word from him would reassure me that he hasn't just- -completely given into the Hollywood of it all and that he isn't just fine with everything that's been going on, so long as he gets what he wants.

Thank you for this ask, anon!

You're so right about how everyone can see right through these "sources" that are so clearly damage control. But I think it might be all Ari's team because 1. these articles keep making Ethan look worse, and 2. I don't think Ethan's team has as much power over the media as Ari's does. I think if anything Ethan's team is just advising him to keep quiet until further notice, and unlike certain people (*cough cough* Colleen *cough cough*) he's actually listening to that advice and not making the situation worse. And like I said in another post, he's gonna be in a big Broadway revival this fall, so he can't keep hiding forever. (I don't think Hollywood is gonna change his sense of social justice. This whole year he was reposting activism posts to his stories, and in the days leading up to the news breaking he was reposting stuff about WGA and SAG-AFTRA)

And yeah, I've said it from the very beginning that this whole situation has been handled so poorly. There's been so many differing timelines presented, and there's some things that I'm pretty the tabloids are just straight out making up. I'm honestly at the point where a part of me wants to just move on from this and enjoy watching Ethan in his "Spamalot" era, and the other part really wants more answers.

[thoughtssssssssssss]

Every little thing makes me angry right now. The weather, the songs, people, the industry, lights idk. Everything. And I guess it’s better than being depressed af. Because at least I’m rebelling against something but at the same time I’m getting angry to exactly what? The moment I think about my friends I get angry bc how dare they being so inconsiderate. And then I’m like girl then you will never have friends if u want them to be perfect. Or I think “well they are your only friends and you suck at making new friends so u might end up being alone”

I know deep down it’s me, that I’m angry to myself. That I haven’t improved enough, glowed up enough. Good enough. And I have this dreams and opportunities that I want that is so unlikely to come in these 2 months. My goals are definitely unrealistic but I just had people around me and genuine, passionate people who are willing to spend time with me to create things then maybe it wouldn’t be that realistic. Like even though I don’t like it, maybe you can help it still.

I don’t even know what my story is for the short film. I just know I want to create one. Try one.

How can I be less mad? And be more action based? What If I just enjoy the things I’m experiencing and not thinking about the bad sides of it? Like with my friends that would be; oh what a nice cafe and coffee and I’m listening someone else’s life, that would be good for my experience, observation. - things like that.

I guess trying to see what you are grateful for and move on and stay on the things you enjoy and feel good at? I don’t have to be a miserable artist, I can actually enjoy things. I think I really like that mapclass I like the idea of being gentle to yourself and first “repairing” your mindset a little and esp protecting that flame of passion. Protecting the flame. That’s what I want to do.

I guess I’m just scared that if I don’t think the things I lack and don’t improve immediately I’m never gonna meet my goals. But this never worked. Most of the times it even gotten worse. The times I was hopeful I got more opportunities just coming at me, without me searching for it. I just need to give my best and enjoy. And the thing is you can also enjoy failure. Bc it means you are improving. Learning.

Overall the art of acting is confusing and differentiates from person to person. Some are just lucky to find their style quickly.

The thing is I know I’m gonna be huge. One of the top actors in my 20s. I know it. I can feel it.

🔥🔥🔥