#like. i am a human being. we are social creatures. so why. am i struggling. with being social? when i crave it??? like????

[autisticlee]

I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Time for a long Aylin ramble, because I haven't indulged in a while.

I'm actually really invested in Aylin being an aasimar! I do not think it is a misnomer or mistake, as I've seen people suggest. She was referred to as a celestial explicitly in some older builds of the game, but this was changed at some point during development. And I noted aasimar enjoyer Oath, quelle surprise prefer it this way for a variety of reasons. Primarily, I think, because it lets her be larger than life, have a touch of that other-worldliness and otherness, while keeping her very much "of this world" still, very (physically and otherwise) present and part of the prime material plane, and ultimately far more human than I believe even she herself would sometimes like to be.

To bring up the most basic and rules/mechanics-bound "creature type" level of categorisation, as an aasimar she is a humanoid, and not a celestial - outsider. Her outsider status is absolutely there and a goldmine of things to explore, but that's a different post sitting in my drafts for far too long that I'll get around to one of these days (but for now you should read this post that I love). Yes, she is in a very real sense above it all, she will outlast everyone around her and whatever she gets involved with. We also get to see her dramatic poetic archaic speech idiosyncrasies (Ho!), her odd sense of the passage of time, and, of course, her oft-discussed and joked about apparent lack of filter or regard for current social graces.

(Endlessly amused at her just going: I'll do it when my mum tells me to.)

All things combined, Aylin feels more like a being of two worlds to me than a guest visiting this one, even as she is called the emissary of a goddess. She embodies a blending and an odd balancing act between the lofty divine and the mundane, duty and preordained purpose and personhood, and touches on the many ways this balance can be tipped. A classic D&D aasimar struggle, really, and a well I am happy to keep returning to.

Balthazar: She was a unique specimen even before I began my work. Aasimar. A god's blood united with mortal flesh.

She honestly isn't even that far from a regular aasimar stat- and ability-wise - Aylin does have several special abilities, but these are flavoured as blessings from her divine mother instead of an inherent property of her as a creature - though, notably, Aylin herself at one point claims she is always reborn because "it is [her] nature".

“Blessed with the favour of a goddess, Nightsong cannot be permanently killed. When unconscious, at the start of her turn she recovers 1 hit point.” “Nightsong will be resurrected by the powers of Selûne whenever she dies.”

Importantly, she does not get to reincarnate, or get a new body, or flit away to her "home plane" or anything like what celestials get to do. She is anchored to this one physical existence (again, very human of her), tied and limited to this one body as it painstakingly repairs itself over and over and over (to a sometimes extreme extent, e.g. the all but outright stated regrowing of amputated body parts in a frankly horrifying context), insistently and indomitably but ultimately imperfectly. And I think that's part of why the kintsugi design drives me utterly wild, why her immortality setup is more interesting to me than, say, a mutant healing factor, or something like the characters in The Old Guard. Her history is pretty literally engraved on her skin, and when she, in the role of a power-granting artefact and the object of a ritual sacrifice, tells you she will feel every wound you inflict upon her, it is so easy to believe her. And I'm not even that invested in physical suffering, just that it means it's all still very palpably there, forever, and she doesn't get to magically restart with a clean slate in this sense, nor does she get to forget past lifetimes as some creatures like devas do. It's just a flavour of immortality I personally find far more engaging than most.

(I mean, yes, I am also a known hurt/comfort sucker and if you're going there in order to set up a scene where she's, I dunno, getting doted on by Isobel who's invented new scar tissue pain relief massage techniques, you know I'm going to be all over that.)

I'm also not sure I'd say she can just pop over to Argentil to hang out with her mum at will. I mean, planeshifting is not that hard to achieve, and also she can just… ask Selûne, ultimately, I guess. But I wouldn't say she has spent much time there, and I think she takes her role as Selûne's champion and representative in the Realms too seriously and too much to heart to be away from them for very long.

Which also calls to mind the issue of the obvious and "simple" answer to Isobel's eventual death - namely that with Isobel picked up as a petitioner soul they'll all just go live out the better part of an eternity in Selûne's realm. Probably in some form they will - it's never guaranteed, but this time, yeah, probably something like that will happen, and there will be, as Melodia says, no loss, only temporary separation. But I'm really not into just handwaving or stripping away most of the mortal/immortal pairing issues inherent in the relationship. If we're going for the "hang out in a different plane of existence forever" option, I think at one point Aylin would have to "complete" her duties and lay down her sword, in a way, and pick between Faerûn and the Gates of the Moon - meaning she herself is effectively moving on to a completely new phase of her existence as well.

And while Selûne carving a lovely marble statue and bringing it to life and similar takes are fun and beautiful and interesting, I'm very invested in an Aylin who was born, raised, and had to actually grow up and learn and be trained. I have a ton of headcanons of Aylin being a weird glowy baby at some point (with all the Disney's Hercules jokes I've seen folks make, of course), being entrusted to a series of Selûnite enclaves and temples and cloisters, hounded by Shar and her agents pretty much all her life.

(Neither here nor there, but Aylin also comes off as a fairly "young" immortal to me - note that I am basing this on absolutely nothing but a general impression and there's no actual hint anywhere about how old she really is. Just vibes.)

To finish up, I'd like to shout out Isobel, and the big humanising factor she is presented as. For instance, a very concrete bit of motivation for Aylin to eventually "humanise" her perception of time, if nothing else.

Aylin without Isobel is horribly depressing to me mostly because she seems to distance herself from her humanity and err on the side of holy duty (see: her epilogue letter, ouch). And Isobel is definitely the person who (invaluably, imo) explicitly and consistently insists on Aylin's humanity and personhood, who cares for her as a woman and not a divine weapon, who actually treats her well-being as a priority, and who understands her so very well and so deeply. Who does acknowledge the gloriously resplendent Dame Aylin, daughter of the Moonmaiden herself in all her awe-inspiring presence and occasionally amusing foibles, but who never fails to look past the titles and fronts even Aylin herself is so keen to put up, and focus on what lies behind it all.

A moment that sticks out to me in particular is her bemoaning Aylin's disregard for her own safety, then actually getting very angry if you suggest Lorroakan can't hurt Aylin:

Isobel: Even after all she's been through, she thinks herself unstoppable - invincible. It all feels like recklessness to me. Player: Lorroakan can't harm her. Have faith. Isobel: He can harm her. Just as Ketheric did. She'll survive it, but she can suffer like any of us - and for longer.

Using Isobel's words verbatim is a good conclusion to my thoughts here, I think: the truth of Aylin being "singular among us all" coexisting with all the ways Aylin is "just like any of us".

And now I'll pay the cute Aylin screenshot tax one last time.

[whokilledjared]

the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself. (& takes on social media)

Hi.

I'm lonely.

The moment I got "two weeks off school" in sophomore year, life went to 4x speed & I can't turn it off no matter how hard I try.

Maybe COVID-19 adolescence did numbers on me. Somewhere between the iPhone 5c and ChatGPT, 14-hour screen times have live-streamed to me a steady, homogenous death of culture.

Nothing is cool anymore. Nothing is sacred. Every movement is a trend, and every cult classic a sequel.

The value we place on things being beautiful, on being "cool," and our gatekept appreciation of how hard these things were to find: it's been co-opted, or perhaps stolen. It's been stolen by the new merchant class. "Disruptors" and "innovators" turning our lives into a burgeoning black mirror prequel. Soon, we'll graduate too, and we'll wring every morsel of value in each others' lives dry for cash.

Plain and simple, I think we're being manipulated.

Your dates are an algorithm. Your music is a social signal. And Zuck knows when you sleep.*

God. What the fuck are we doing???

“Individuation is becoming the thing which is not the ego, and that is very strange.” — Carl Jung

Recently, I deleted Instagram. My first impulse was to post a story or something, announcing my departure. But then, I thought that would be lame.

I got rid of my account, too. Kinda. Over 1 year, over 800 followers removed, and what remains of me is a little grey icon, and "JM_0000000010" where my name and face used to be.

yay.

There were many people I wish I could have been friends with, but I wonder, too, why I find myself so drawn to the validation of others. Does social media affect me worse, or do we all just choose to ignore it, languishing in private?

At any rate, this last year has almost felt like re-learning how to be a human being.

Personally, I think one of the biggest markers for maturity is when you become willing to disappoint the people you know in favor of what feels right to you, when you start to unravel the stories you’ve told yourself (or been told) about who you are and what you should be. In short, the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself.

And sometimes, I think about every college student that has ever lived. My grandmother, my dad, and so on. Just consider for a moment all kids who graduated before 2010:

What was it like for the ones in 1940? To walk around, before a campus had computers? In 2006: To meet someone pretty, but forget their number? In 1999: To cram into dorms, and watch Seinfeld live on-air?

Would I, like my dad in 1988, have braved cold night, brisk wind, & landline phone-call just to knock and see if my friends were too busy to hang?

What stories could I tell if there was even the slightest chance of getting lost on the way home from a party?

Humans are social creatures. We crave our friends like water. To me, the clearest difference between Dasani and Instagram is that one of them comes in a bottle.

Yet despite these distractions and comforts we have in 2024, somehow, we still have engineering students. People who carve out time in their day to sit down, look at paper, and solve differential equations. But then, that's not so hard, is it? It just takes time. Precious, fucking, time.

At Meta, leagues and leagues of these engineers power behavioral scientists, who are competing for the highest salary. Their benchmarks? Your FOMO. Guilt. Anxiety. Obsession. The worse you feel, the more you engage with their content. The more you engage with their content, well, you're starting to get the point.

Try something for me: Open up Instagram, but don't tap anything. What happens? How many little animations? How many tiny nudges prompting you to get lost? Our home-pages are billion-dollar diving boards, hoisting us over engineered catacombs of subconscious quicksand.

My homepage is my FOMO, my envy, and my crushes. The pain and struggle of trying to be someone who I am not. My little existential crises, bundled-up, packaged, and shipped with a like button.

To abandon your social networks entirely, however, requires a safety net of close friends. After all, your friends are online, and you'd be miserable without them.

This is the problem with our monkey brains. Millennia of sociological natural-selection have made us quite great at feeling terrible. We're damn good at making tribal status games to play with, too.

Seeking refuge in quirked up septum piercings and boygenius listeners, my time in counter-cultural, alternative "scenes" between St. Louis and Tampa has shown me that even the weirdest of folks and the most removed can accidentally find themselves reduced to nothing more than high-school popularity contests. Even if I love them. Even if they're amazing people. We're human.

We can't "quit social media" as much as we can't "quit bottled water" Sure, we can, but it's inconvenient. And even without a bottle, we're still drinking water.

So I lost touch with my friends. I got no new updates on their lives. I forced myself into the inconvenience of not having a phone to reach for in fleeting moments of boredom. Suddenly, I was out of the loop. Suddenly, I was bored. And suddenly, nobody missed me. My only friends were the ones I had the time to text. Everyone else ... does not exist.

Weekends have become more valuable than ever. Without the empty social calories of seeing my friends' pictures, I find myself planning hangouts as often as my schedule allows. I have more lunches, more study sessions, and more is done in the company of less.

And I have the time to breathe.

And in this calm, I think I found my answer: it's my misplaced ambition. These fears of anxiety and people I thought I would miss, they seem represent something I want to see more of within myself. Something I want to develop, lean into more deeply, as an individual. And I think that's quite normal; to look out into the world and feel attracted to things we want to see more of. This is, I think, how everyone develops their own definition of beauty — and of coolness. It's largely the intersection of what we find most interesting, and what we want to see more of in the world. Because beauty and coolness, by definition, are rare and hard to find. If they were everywhere, nothing be beautiful, nor would anything be cool.

When we all turn into wrinkles and cataracts, bad backs and heart attacks, for a brief, glorious moment, our lives are going to flash before our eyes. In this moment, you'll see your story. The ultimate progression of you.

How much of that will be skibidi toilet and reaction clips? How much of that will be arguing on the internet? Can you tell me, just how much of your life will you have skipped over to pacify your intentionally-lowered attention span?

That girl whose number you couldn't find Those passing questions over coffee that you couldn't search on Google The boredom of a subway ride

Those are not inconveniences, they're what the older generations refer to as "life."

* (oh, but if you can't sleep, consider this aside: Google knows the angle you walk at, how fast you're walking, and they've got crowdsourced pictures of everywhere around you at all times of the day. fun bedtime thoughts <3)

[crumblinggothicarchitecture]

aaaaahhhhhh I need to scream about Taylor swift. just FUCK HER. oh my god. I have depression. it fucking SUCKS. and she leaves her boyfriend for being too depressed ATYHYTFBD HRRRGGGGGGGGG. AND THE PHSYCE WARD AESTHETIC. WTF IS WRONG WITH HER OH MY GOD. yubvefinhj arrrggghhhhhh I want to rip my skin off she makes me so mad.

I know this ask is about a month old now- I apologize if you were waiting for a response. I'm sensing a lot of frustration and anger here. Let me know if I am off base.

I thought receiving this was interesting- which is why I would like to reply. I understand your frustration- as someone who has also struggled with mental health, as I am sure many of us have, it is easy to let the frustration bubble up into anger. Taylor Swift, and her music, has remarkable impact on the culture.

I want to pause for a moment here- and let you know that I understand your anger. I cannot describe the feeling I had realizing that Swift’s latest album is basically an aesthetic co-opting of real mental health struggle.

Also- I work in an English Department- do you have any idea how obnoxiously hard it is to not role my eyes every time I think about the most pretentious and stupid album title ever: "Tortured Poets Department."

I really think she got one fake college degree from NYU and fancied herself an academic. (Please spare me the ineptitude).

I understand- and I also realize that this ask was but a brief moment of your day-if the anger is overwhelming, I would still urge you to recognize your own power. Oftentimes, I think anger releases out of frustration because we feel the person causing this frustration has so much more power than us- they exist above us- out of reach. As such, there is no way to truly communicate the frustration- or seek any recompense for it. A lack of ability to communicate- and be heard- can cause anger, it is human nature. We are both social creatures, and intuitively reactive. Both a blessing and a curse.

Please recognize that no matter how loud the divisive few, like Swift, are- culture is with the people, always. Combat the negativity with whatever positivity you have to give. Personally, I combat the negativity I see in the album by analyzing it- holding it up to the light and hopefully showing others how and why this is wrong. I do this with many authors- I've lambasted Hemmingway enough times now and written myself into an early grave railing against Joseph Conrad. Do not fear- or give frustration into anger- what you cannot control; instead use your own gift, whatever that may be, to give something good to the world- in the process it will make up for the bad.

Please note too that I am not talking about toxic positivity- about the kind of positivity that requires "everyone be nice all the time and never say a single curse word ever ever ever" UWU- BS - but rather actionable positivity. Definitive actions you take in the world- to right the moral wrongs. For me, this meant going to school- getting an education into moral philosophy and Literature- so that I might teach other how to critically analyze the world around them. All in effort, to affect actionable positive change, however small, in the lives of others. Teaching them to not only think about the concept of tenets of their reality, but to intentionally act with a moral backbone as they traverse their own lives. A metanalysis of self- that sincerely codifies our own agency in creating our reality. Ultimately, I act with intention, seek education, to give myself a tool with which I can work. See- actionable positivity. I seek to give people a reason to identify their own agency- their own power- and hopefully use that to be empathic, kind people, who think for themselves.

What, I wonder, does actionable positivity mean to you?

I really believe this- as silly as some people might find me for saying it. I really think only positive action, forethought and analytical, engaged minds, can rectify the moral corruption others bleed into the world. Swift is but one morally bankrupt individual amidst billions of people- all with differing moral centers. I say that among billions Swift will fade into obscurity. Hopefully, the good will outweigh the bad- to negate the negative cultural impact Swift has. Hopefully, we will all be smart enough to negate the environmental destruction of Swift as well (but I am a philosopher and not a climate scientist- so I suppose I must leave the particulars of that kerfuffle to the professionals).

I cannot comprehend the thought process of those who know better and still choose to continue supporting Swift. This album was a final straw (of sorts) for me. Frankly, I cannot comprehend the thought process of Swift either- who decided to write a whole song about how she is bored with her long-term boyfriend because he has depression.

Not to mention how cruel it is to out the mental health status of another- she was also marketing the album predicated upon the idea of this being a "break-up" album, which instrumentally has the effect of modulating the tone. Tonally, she defined this album by her own myopic lens of human experience- and her selfish desire to eternally be the damsel in distress. No- Swift is never a grown woman in control of her own actions, in any of her songs, she is instead eternally pointing a finger and say, "look at what you made me do."

The effect of marketing this album as a "break-up" album has the rhetorical effect of rendering every song on the album as blame-pointing from each of Swift expressed "down-trodded melodrama" not as a symptom of her actions, but as the result of her breakup. It even modulates the extent to which she can ever conceptually admit to any wrongdoing, because she has effectively embedded the rhetorical appeal "not my fault" into every aspect of her life. Thus- even if she did say "I'm at fault" it is overwritten by the tone of her own innocent, damselesque persona. People would still view her as the victim. Now, would this be a problem if the breakup was explicitly mutual? Maybe- maybe not. This is, however, a problem when Swift expressed again and again that the breakup was due to the other party- either being too depressed, or not being quick enough to marry. Thus, her getting bored enough to emotionally cheat.

In essence, Swift created a type of rhetorical vortex around the album though which every song is instrumentally telling about a different facet of her own instinct to paint herself as a victim of circumstance in every situation.

Not only was the ultimate onus of her album- breaking up- but it was also her "going crazy." She, on one hand wants to shame others for having a mental health struggle, while also co-opting it, using it as an aesthetic, and then reverting the narrative back to her being the ultimate victim because now- get this- she's the super sad one. So sad that she needs to dance on top of a giant metal psych ward hospital bed for the TTPD set of the Era's tour. She's so sad that she needed to cheat on her long-term relationship, then immediately pivot into a new relationship with someone who she thinks "looks like a high school bully."

What I think is truly heinous- is just her representation of her own mental health downturn as legitimate, and others mental downturns are illegitimate- or are an inconvenience to her.

Is this really the message I want millions of women around the globe to hear and internalize? no- because it is cruelly self-centered and melodramatic.

So- yeah, it's just so painfully mean-spiritied.

Anyway- I don't want to run away with my answer here, so I will leave off here. I hope you did not mind my waxing poetic a bit in the middle there- I am in a reflective mood tonight. I've been rereading various texts I wish to include in my freshman class on critical thinking. So, I am dwelling on what it means to critique Swift- keeping in mind my ultimate intentions, in life, which is to inspire people to think for themselves.

Anyway dear- this answer is becoming too long. Rest easy- and I hope you know that anger can be a wonderful tool- for fueling passion.

Good luck out there.

[littlefaething]

hello! I have many different names, but the one you can call me when in doubt is cleo!

This blog is a place for me to post about agere imagines, agere content, and my own journey with being a regressor!

I will also post vent content. If that doesn’t interest you/triggers you, all vents will be tagged with #vent #faevents #agere vent for your filtering preferences.

Key things you should know about me:

I’m 21 years old

I am polygender (they/she) and hate being called ma’am but don’t mind being called feminine pet names (e.g. princess, babygirl, etc.) (I prefer it 🥰)

I’m plus size (not that it should really matter)

I have ADHD, ASD, OCD, GAD, Major Depressive Disorder, Dermatillomania, Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, cPTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and synesthesia

I’m bisexual and write about both men and women as daddy caregivers (women can be daddies, too!)

Now, recall that I said I go by many names. Here’s why:

I discovered I was autistic about a year ago. Since then, things have really changed for me. I’ve started to realize that things I’ve done in the past are actually just autistic traits, such as masking. I’m extremely high masking and would often attach names to certain “masks” I would put on around certain people. This habit has been going on for some time now and has persisted even into my regression journey, which only started becoming a huge deal over the past few months. I ended up associating different regression states/headspaces with names/temperaments, so that’s why I go by many names.

I’ll introduce them to you in a moment, but I want to clarify something right off the bat: I DO NOT HAVE DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a very different disorder that I am very passionate about advocating for, and I DO NOT want anyone to misconstrue my situation for something as complex as that. I’m simply on the spectrum, used to be a theatre kid, and have masked 95% of my entire life. Regardless of which name I sign off as, it’s still me, but please be aware that each name has a different age and temperament attached to it (that’s why I’m doing this in the first place.) Talking to me in my little space like I’m an adult can be very triggering.

Cleo 🍯🥀👻🐈‍⬛

Cleo is me when I’m big (so me writing this post). Posts signed off/on as Cleo indicate being an adult or mostly big. Posts will have appropriate grammar as I have a hyperfixation on it lol.

I (and the other headspaces) have a huge disconnect from our humanity/human bodies, so we don’t feel human. As the name of this blog suggests, I feel like a fairy or some kind of fae creature. Weird, I know, but a lot of people with autism have this same struggle.

I’ll make a get to know me post(s) in the future

Fae 🫧🌼🦋🍃

When I’m positively triggered into age regressing

Age range changes a lot but more likely to be a younger little

Jinn 🌙🐦‍⬛🍄🖤

When I’m negatively triggered into age regressing

Age range changes a lot especially depending on how triggered I am

Jinn does most of the venting

Sephie 🐶🌸🍬🧸

When I’m very little or even nonverbal

Probably won’t post too much when in my Sephie headspace, but if I do, it’ll probably just be images

I won’t respond to any comments in this headspace as I’m too young

(Short for Persephone)

That’s it!

I’ll make a trigger list eventually and tag it here.

Oh and also: it’s a shame I have to even say this, but DNI if you are racist, sexist, transphobic, terf, homophobic, antisemitic, Islamophobic, Zionist, ableist, view age regression in a s3xually expl!cit/n.sfw manner, or any other bigotry not mentioned here. It’s not hard to respect others, so if you can’t do that as a bare minimum, then I don’t want you here.

THIS BLOG IS SFW 13+!

Don’t make me uncomfy.

banner by nkitti!

[sahonithereadwolf]

I want to hear about the cool new werewolf metaphors and the terror 👀

I think one of the biggest reasons werewolves don't have as easy of a time connecting as a terrifying thing is how far removed cultural whiteness is from nature and the wilderness. Like people have no idea how intimidating a wolf is or what a wolf means. Let alone a wolf with the mind of a man and the compunctions that implies. They see...big dog. People don't want to be scared by the big dog, they want to pet it. There is no respect for the wolf as it's own being let alone a part of nature. The fear of the werewolf lies in two forms. Reminding people that a werewolf is a force of nature. Not in a "this is a tornado with a vendetta" sort of way, but a "this is a living being with agency and a place and surviving, but largely indifferent to your being" way. Like a bear or tiger. A bear or tiger does not care for your morals. It holds no stock to them. it is living by it's own moral standards. By it's nature. And you respect that or you learn the hard way why you should have like every year a collection of tourist who try to have their disney princess moment with a buffalo live for instagram do. The other form is within the metaphor. The werewolf is an inherently sympathetic creature as a person who is also a, well, person, at least some of the time. Most of the time when you see a werewolf it is a stand in for a very human idea of violence in one form or another be it rage, sexualized violence, vengeance. Man giving into the beast. It's often very much cast as masculine for that reason. Toxic masculinity made manifest. Puberty is another big one because you have bodies and hair and sometimes the moon matters. Like it makes sense but I am tired of these and most of them never connect. I think there is room for them. I love seeing what trans artist have made with the idea of a werewolf. I think I would have a lot to say about puberty from a racialized angle and what it's like being seen as a monster and predator at 10. But it's sympathetic and centering a marginalized experience. The terror is experiencing the sympathy for the "monster" and the human reaction to it. And it can be in many forms. Both the lens through which we see that monster and the human reaction to it. I think there is something poetic and sad about the werewolf as an outsider or someone who walks in two worlds. A creature that is so intrinsically social being denied connection to a community, or having to fight for that. I use to write a lot of werewolf fic based off my struggles with PTS. Seeing yourself as a monster that you need to keep under control. But being too afraid of letting go of that monster because you might still need it to survive. How tired and cold it makes you. I just think that if people want to pet the wolf, you make them need it. Understand the wolf on it's own terms and the horrors it sees.

[oatmealdaydreams]

Real

A lil short story about being real.

Warning: unreality?, dissociation, discussion of morals & society & religion, mention of nudity (nothing is described or shown), heavy discussion of reality, slight implications of child death

Description: "What's it like being real?"

[Masterlist] | ao3 link

[Read under the cut]

"What's it like being real?" the child asks.

"How would I know? Being real is... strange, at best," I say, but this doesn't satisfy the child.

"But you should know. You're real. I'm not."

I huff, "Shoulds and shouldn'ts are dependent on expectations others place on us."

"I expect you to know. You're real."

"I'm not sure I am."

"What do you mean?"

"When we talk about being real or unreal, we need a basis for what reality is. It's... reality is odd. It's based on personal perceptions and made real by moral misconducts. Everyone's reality is different. So, what is the basis of reality? Is it that justice will always prevail? I've it seen it fail under the guidance of both ill-intentions and good-natures. Is it that some people are better than others? At what? What are they better at?"

The child listens.

I continue, "Some people see the world as black and white; others see in many shades of grey. In a moral sense, at least. So, their realities are different from each other. Not really a common basis, is it? What they believe or think to be a moral misconduct is different. Some people assume all evil is dark and all good is light. Some people look at the details, the whys, the what ifs. It's all... there's hardly an agreement between most people's personal morality and sense of reality. However, this is some agreement in a few things."

"We all agree red is red. Blue is blue, green is green, yellow is yellow. But did you know some cultures call shades and hues of colours different things? There's a culture where either blue or green doesn't exist to them- I can never remember which one- and it's because they call it the same thing. That's a perception. A lot of us agree that it's modest and socially acceptable to wear clothes outside, that you're supposed to wear clothes. It's considered a common courtesy. There's a tribe where they walk around nude. There's a tribe where clothes aren't that important. And that's where society comes into play."

"Society itself is simply a group of people on the same land, living life and having community with each other under certain common expectations. It's structure. It affects our realities. You can thrive in one society while you struggle in another. In Western Society, specifically American Society, people thrive through a hierarchy. That's their reality. To get the next promotion, to buy the newest car, to get the biggest house. Their basic reality is to go to school, graduate, go to more school, graduation again, make money at an office job, have a heterosexual relationship, get married, have kids, watch your kids leave you and repeat the cycle, and then die in debt."

"That's the basic reality for a lot of people. They only see what they allow themselves to see. The thing is, society changes. Reality changes therein, and by itself. Sometimes, society is no longer your reality. Sometimes, your reality of society changes. Expectations change. Social norms? Those change. And not everyone can keep up with it, nor do some people want to."

"People like traditions. People are stubborn. Some are flexible and adapt, others are not. People get stuck. Some people believe that the way world was when they were growing up was better than its current era of whatever. One reason is because all the change is making their head spin, and they just want something to stay the same. Stability. Another reason is they genuinely believe that it used to be better because it benefited them. Humans are selfish creatures. Everyone's a bit of an Egoist, whether or not they know it. Those who hold on to ill-advised ways of the past are selfish. People who want change are selfish."

The child gives me an odd look, "How is everyone an Egoist? What about the good traditions? Aren't there good ones?"

Ever perceptive, aren't we?

"Well, I never said there wasn't good tradition. I never said tradition was good or bad. I was simply referring to society and people's stubbornness regrading change. And when I say 'selfish', it isn't a dirty word. Neither 'selfish' nor 'tradition' are dirty words. And neither is 'ego'. Egoism is simply an ethical theory that means self-interest is your foundation of morality. Ethics are the study of morals, but one's ethics often come from an external source. A structure with a set of rules and expectations, a lot like religion or philosophy. Or society. And an Ego is quite literally a person's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Positive reinforcement builds an Ego; negative reinforcement tears it down."

"That all being said, everyone is an Egoist because they all base their sense of morality and morals on self-interest. They do that because they all have an Ego, which needs to be looked after and kept healthy for a person to be happy. And to do that is to be selfish and act with self-interest in mind. Self-care, self-preservation? Those are selfish things. They're good, selfish things. To preserve the Self is to protect the Ego. It's in their own interest, their self-interest, to live a happy life. To protect their Ego. So yes, everyone with an Ego is an Egoist, and everyone has an Ego."

"Okay, but what's all that got to do with reality? With being real or unreal? You've kinda gone a bit sideways from 'the basis of reality', or whatever you were saying," the child almost sounds like they're chiding me.

I hum, gathering my thoughts in my head. It's best to listen to kids, you know. Dismissing a question because you have no answer is the same as dismissing a question you have an answer to. Listen to children. They see more than you realize.

I start again, "Well... it's not that easy. Like I said before, reality is odd."

"Yeah, perceptions and all that. But you were going somewhere. Where were you going?"

"Let's see... I mentioned stubborn people hang on to old realities. They hold on to it because that's their reality. They don't change their reality. It just stays the same while most other people's change without them. Then you asked about everyone being an Egoist, and... I explained that. So, everyone being an Egoist is bit of a shared reality. But it's also not, because if people don't believe they're an Egoist (even if they are), then that's not their really. And some people don't believe in healing or self-care. Some people don't notice their Ego until they're feet away from their grave. Some people go the route of True Altruism (serving others without ever asking for anything in return), and believe they're doing it for other people and not their own self-interest of making people happy. If you help others because it makes you happy or look good, that's self-interest. If you help others because making others feel happy or safe makes you feel good about yourself, that's still self-interest."

"That's people's differing realities. What they believe and what they see. Their morals, their values, the ethics they follow. It's all about the greys of human minds. It's all about perception. People's realities are whatever they will it to be. That's it. The human mind is a powerful thing, child. You think it or speak it, you will it into existence. Your mindset dictates your entire reality. Believe what you must, and it's yours. But also realize the others' realities co-exist with your own. Not all are respected, but they should at least be acknowledged in some way. Just because you want someone romantically and believe they want you back, doesn't mean that they do. If it's not their reality as well, then it isn't real. There needs to be a common ground in differing realities for them to both be true."

"...you lost me after Egoism."

I chuckle, "Yeah, that's fair. Not even I'm sure what I just said."

"But you said it."

"Oh honey, just because I speak it doesn't mean I understand what I'm speaking."

"What? I- you make no simple sense."

"Eh."

"Could you, like, speak plainly?"

"If I spoke plainly, I wouldn't be able to speak about all these things. None of these things are simple or plain. They're all very complex."

"...that's not helpful."

I shrug. Answering questions isn't always helpful. Sometimes, the answers just make everything more confusing. Like math (ew).

"Wait, what does this have to do with you being real and me being unreal?"

"How can we say for certain that either of us are real or unreal? Your reality is that you aren't real, and that you believe I am real in comparison. My reality is that I'm not sure whether or not I am real. Now, if we were discussing reality versus fiction, that's an entirely different discussion. Of which I'd mention fiction has its own reality, it's only fiction based on your own reality of what fiction is, and that the line between fiction and reality is thin and oftentimes gets blurred. You see-"

"Don't. Oh my God, please don't. I'm already confused."

The child groans. I snicker.

"Alright, alright. I've had my fun. I'll ease up," I say, although confusing them is amusing in its own right.

"I swear you've just been confusing me on purpose. What, do you find it amusing to make me question everything?"

"First off: yes, I do."

"Finally, a straight answer."

"Honey, nothing I am is straight-"

"Jesus f*cking-"

"Secondly, no. I haven't tried to confuse you on purpose."

"But you are confusing me."

"You asked a question. I gave an answer."

"A lengthy answer that makes no sense and turned into a lesson about morals and Egoism. I asked what it was like being real, because you are real. I didn't ask what reality is."

"Well, we need a basis to-"

"-compare it to, I get it."

The child lets out a frustrated sigh. They hide their face in their hands, tired from all my words.

"It's complex and strange, being real."

They look up at me through the betweens of fingers.

"There's no simple answer to it. For me... for me, being real doesn't feel real. Most days it feels like wading through swamp water. Like I'm watching from above as a star in the sky, instead of experiencing my experiences."

"...that's what being unreal is. I know that. I'm unreal."

I look to them. They're hands are off their face.

"Then perhaps neither of us know what it's like to be real."

"But you are real. You're just daydreaming again. You need to get out of your head."

That catches me off guard.

"What? I'm not-"

"Get out of your head."

I blink. The child is gone.

I'm sitting against a willow tree, on a hill in the middle of an abandoned graveyard. I blink again. I feel the wind, cold and ruffling my hair. I feel hands in the grass. I see the small butterfly weeds growing near where I sit. I smell the evening rain. The sky is dark with rainclouds. It's going to rain soon.

I stand, trying to remember where I parked my car. I should go home now. I've been here too long. I leave the small gravestone at the base of the tree behind.

The ghost of a child forever haunts my soul as I forget their name again.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw neglect, maybe ableism?

My parents didn't really keep much of an eye on my growing up unless there were other people involved. That's related to a whole other can of worms (to very briefly touch upon it: my mother believes the "more I spend time with other humans the more they'll corrupt my soul" so.. ?? Side effect of that is that my mother never really taught me how to behave besides listening to orders. She did eventually get me to stop biting people though so there is that lmao)

At our house we were really close to a forest and until we moved when I was around 14 I spent all the time I physically could in the forest. I was never allowed a phone but I did get a watch so I could get home in time, but past that my parents never checked up on me or anything.

Whenever we had pets (usually, there was a year or two when we didn't though) my parents always called the animals my siblings and other than school (I was bullied and left alone so much I often went days or even weeks without saying a single word) usually the only "people" I socialized with was animals. So most of my social skills I picked up from animals (my parents didn't believe in community or clubs or children's tv so other than watching murder mysteries the only TV I saw was documentaries and usually ones about animals).

My parents also never helped with homework or played with me (idk if that's a thing parents do though lol). I spent most of my time alone (never was good at making friends and we were weirdly never in neighbourhoods with other kids?). So like I was and still kinda am really used to only spending time with animals and not really humans.

Since I was 6 or 7 I made my own breakfast and lunch, packed my own food for school, did my own laundry, taught myself how to make toys via origami, learned how to (badly) mend clothes through stealing string and tying it through holes, entertained myself etc. I consider it pretty normal since I'm used to it, but it's made me a bit... odd.

And other people very much pick up on this and I've gotten comments a lot of my life about it. I might be autistic I'm not sure, but I really struggle with picking up social cues. This paired with pretty much being alone most of the time makes me act odd enough that it makes other people uncomfortable.

I've gotten yelled at, insulted, called names, etc because of this (my parents call me creature, different animals, horror monsters sometimes, and make jokes like that) and IDK what to do but mostly I wanted to ask about a certain thing? I have a single friend and she'll say things like "you always sound like you came from the forest" or "I forget you're not some sort of forest creature" but like, comparing me to fantasy creatures or animals.

Usually it's pretty joke-y, but sometimes it gets tiring too because like I get my life experiences aren't mainstream common but even when I'm trying my best to fit in I still get called non-human. I know my friend doesn't mean it as insults but sometimes I wonder if I'll be doomed to always give off the vibe of "not fully human". Usually I don't mind it (for a while as a kid I embraced it lol) but sometimes it kinda gets to me.

I guess it's because I feel like I've had to "tame" myself to fit into society better but I've never even managed to fit in/not be bullied no matter how hard I try and now I struggle to embrace the wilder freedom I used to have. Part of it is trust issues so I rarely feel safe enough to act more like myself, but also I'm aware that I act too animal-like if I'm comfortable around people and that makes them uncomfortable :(.

sorry idk where I'm going with this but sighhh. I wish there were people like me I could hang out it, it would make everything so much easier. IDK why I struggle so much with acting more like a regular human but it just doesn't come naturally to me -_-

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through.

It's true that there are a lot of horrible humans out there and so perhaps your mom is coming at it from a traumatized angle, but we are naturally social creatures so being around other human beings is essential to our development, especially filling our lives with positive experiences with other humans.

It is normal for parents to play with their children and help them with their homework. My parents and my friends' parents did that as well. It's also essential for a child's development to be involved in their lives, engaging in play and helping them learn.

On one hand, it's good to have some independence and doing things yourself, but at the ages of 6 and 7, your parents should be packing your lunch, doing your laundry, and the other things you mentioned.

Being dehumanized or called non-human was also my experience as an autistic. I always described myself as an alien that was beamed down to this planet to absorb human traits from scratch (in reality, we all do this, just at different times). I think the way you were raised plays a major factor into your behavior and mannerisms, but there's nothing wrong with you. Even if it turns out that you are autistic or neurodivergent in some way, there's still nothing wrong with you. Society has their preconceived notions of how a human is supposed to behave or present, and obviously not everyone meets that standard. That's okay.

Unfortunately, bullies will bully you no matter what you try, because bullies have inherently taken a role in which they will never support you. But you don't need their support or validation. Their hatred is worthless because it's overabundant.

Society has a skewed idea of what makes a human a human. You are still a human being, even if some people have stricter definitions. You still deserve respect, and space, and a voice, and everything that is a human being's right.

You deserve to live authentically without having to conform to societal standards (unmasking). If someone is uncomfortable with how you are naturally, that's their funeral. If they can't get past that, then they don't deserve you. There are plenty of understanding people out there waiting to be your friend.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[the-crunchiest-leaf]

As someone who doesn't really hold to any spirituality or religion, and someone whose definitely felt many different flavors of adrift in my life, I've had to ponder this question a lot. And generally, I feel like I should keep going whenever I have a sense of purpose. So I spend almost all of my waking life doing things that help me feel purposeful.

For me, the most important facet of that is helping others. And specifically FEELING like I'm helping others. Helping a student understand a problem they've been struggling with makes the rest of my day better. Cooking a lot of good food for a grieving friend makes me feel like I matter. I look back on the times I've rescued my loved ones from dire situations and can finally convince myself that the world actually is better with me in it. That's purpose. That's why it's worth it to me.

The second facet ties in with the first, and it's simply intimate human connection. I'm a fatalist and a pessimist all the minutes of the day except those in my girlfriend's arms. Alone, I drift through the world in third person. But engaged in a deep conversation with my best friend, I feel like a human being again. When I've had a terrible day and I don't want to do anything, I reach out to friends and play games with them for a few hours. Humans are deeply social creatures, and sometimes that fact is the first hand hold I use to climb back out of the hole I'm in.

And finally, creating art and stuff. I'll spend an entire day cursing at a word doc, as frustrated as I am focused. Then, 8 hours later, as the coffee shop is closing, I'll shut my laptop and snap back to myself in a caffeine-and-focus-induced trance and think to myself, "That was good. That was fun. I like what I made and I know what I want to make next. I wanna do that again tomorrow." It's wonderful to take the ideas in my head and make them Real. Make them Shareable. To show someone something and be like, "Look I made a thing!" and they go "That's a cool thing!" and then we get to geek about the thing for a bit. Love that. It's the best.

I hope you find your own reasons to keep going too. You're a wonderful little spark of silly on my dashboard and your posts always make me smile. Thanks for being here.

I'm very sorry to ask something like this, I've really been struggling with this question, and I wanted to ask the combined wisdom of the people on this site

I would like to know why you keep going, and what drives you to keep living. I know there are a lot of reasons to stay alive and enjoy life, I can think of a few that personally resonate with me, but I really want to know what your reasons are

You do not have to comment on this if that's too big of an ask, and I'm very sorry for asking something like this, I really need someone's help, I feel like I don't have much purpose

Also if I may ask, please don't post any suicidal ideation in the comments of this post, I really can't handle something like that right now

[sakurahisuii]

A Needle in a Haystack🧷

6/4/24

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

I remember when I was first diagnosed with BPD, I could find all this information about BPD, such as the symptoms, traits, and all someone needed to know about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

I was able to locate therapists that specialize in DBT easily. However, being able to find a support system for individuals who also struggle with BPD was basically nonexistent. Yes, I am able to find support groups for general mental health conditions, which I ended up joining first. I decided to attend the closest NAMI county's support groups, and it was really great. For a while, I would go every week, and I got familiar with everyone and just loved being present with everyone I got close to from that group.

After some time, I've wanted to try an in-person support group. Now, this was so difficult to find, and I truly didn't understand why. When I looked on PsychologyToday for BPD or DBT support groups that are within 20 minutes of my house or workplace, there was nothing that showed up. I was able to find an in-person DBT group in a town about 45 minutes from my work and an hour from my house. and the group ran weekly. I tried it out for 6 weeks, and it was great!

The support group and group sessions really helped me move forward with using my DBT skills; however, I truly could not deal with the driving. If you know me or have even read any of my past blog posts, you'll know I really hate driving. Making this trip every Thursday was such a drag for me. I ended up not continuing for the second part of the support group due to the traveling commitment.

I was still searching for a BPD support group because I felt that I needed to just connect with individuals who could understand my thoughts and emotions more than most others.

I came across this organization that says that the only mental health condition that it educates, supports, and advocates for is BPD. Amazing, right?! It is just what I was looking for! I was super excited. As I researched the organization more (you should always research organizations before you are willing to join or contribute to them), I thought everything was absolutely fantastic, and I wanted to be a part of this.

I then saw that the organization is from another state that would take a few hours to get to. So this made me a little disappointed, as I knew I could only participate virtually and not face-to-face. BPD is way more common than one may think, so it blows my mind how few support resources there are available for it.

Here's the kicker. I can find so many in-person and online support groups for families and caregivers who have a loved one with BPD, which is wonderful, and we need that. But as a person who struggles a lot with BPD, I also need a support group. I should be able to have a group with people who struggle with the same conditions, as my parents would be able to connect with other parents or caregivers who have loved ones with BPD.

Humans are social creatures, and while therapy is mostly a one-on-one type of interaction, some programs offer group sessions where there are multiple people in the session. So, it's been rough getting this extra support. Finding a BPD support group (in my area, at least) is like finding a needle in a haystack. But I'm still trying. I've decided that the next group sessions that I attend will be one for individuals with BPD because I would like to experience a group of people who struggle with the same triggers and symptoms as I do.

So I am doing the research and outreach for that. I don't plan to stop looking until I find one. Also, I've seemed to be meeting some more people with BPD in my personal life, which is great to have individuals who understand the struggles that I am going through with my BPD. I've decided to make a small discord group with them, and while it's still in the works, I have hopes that this little personal support group will be so helpful.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

[writingmochi]

lissie love ~

i apologize for my absence, i have been resting well these past few days…

oh no, i am sorry to hear that social media has such a strong effect on you… i know that there are so many platforms and so many people. it is almost overwhelming, seeing that humans as creatures are not meant to interact with so many people at once…

that is actually very clever on your part. there is a reason for everything ~

i agree wholeheartedly. it works very similarly in both cases. and that is an interesting quote, worded somewhat quirkily, but true nonetheless. everyone has that interest where they dedicate themselves entirely and i think it is rather neat that way. we all share that in some small way ~

it is especially true in k-pop, considering how complicated the lore can get these days. i myself am still not very good at understanding k-pop lore… the stories get too complicated for me and i need it explained secondhand to truly grasp it… do you have a favorite storyline from a k-pop group?

signed, 🩻

lissie: i'm sorry for the late reply, x-ray!

yeah... i've spoken about this with smiles when i did my anon reveal so I'll try reiterate it here. since i used social media from when i was 6 years old (my mom made me a facebook page so i could play games), it's been a part of my life that just makes me sick, especially with the so-called "innovation" that is just tech companies copying each other. i tried to erase my real identity from the internet as best as i could and let my internet persona/brand flourish instead. reasons as to why can be summarized into: i'm tired of seeing too much information and i don't wanna compare myself to others. building boundaries and quitting some social media that i use helps me to heal in a way...

aww thanks for that actually! i'll try my best to structure my stories in the most optimal way!

about the "everyone is a nerd of something" comment, i just think that it is much more fascinating when you try to plunge into the fandom yourself. but in order to do that, you have to have an open mindset too of course before you decide if you wanna join or not. i used to be in toxic fandoms before usually in kpop fandoms and i realizes that i like my position better as a casual listener sometimes fan in certain situations, like me with txt in a way where i don't follow each of their activities, watch their vlogs, etc and just be there for the music, to do, and live performance if it's worth it for me to go

i thought about it that way because i used to have a parasocial relationship with kpop idols (i think i still have the residue of it too right now) but it is not as strong as years ago because, ngl, i'm sick of being known as the kpop girl. and at the right time, kpop is introduced to a younger audience who, i'm sorry to say this, is much more susceptible to the toxicity of both the fandom sphere and the internet (possessiveness, parasocial relationship, ddos attacks, defensive behavior that might be too much, etc). because of that, i realized it is my time to actually venture out of the kpop bubble and ignite more interests. that's why i've been most attracted to geeky stuff like dungeons and dragons, indie video games, and even cinema where i found out about festival films that are much more exciting than blockbusters playing in the theater.

i would say that my favorite kpop storyline as of recently is ateez's. i like how creative it is with the theme of struggling people turned musical pirates turned revolutionary anarchists with the theme of music being the thing that set them free. for clean storytelling, i would also say bts hyyh storyline that spans from 2015-2019-ish i forgot. it's the first "mainstream" kpop storyline because, before them, most groups have an interesting concept that doesn't have any storyline (exo with superpowers and b.a.p as aliens coming to earth) and bts universe is pretty grounded if you remove the time travelling stuff. loona's lore is another one that i love because it connects member's concept and sound, subunits' concept and sound, and then the whole group's and its combination. other notable ones are onf, billlie, and nct 2018 & 2020

kpop lore is a double-edged sword in my opinion. you could make it right and make it connected to the group concept and each of their releases while sometimes you might do it too much that it actually turns people off. for this i use ateez and enhypen as examples. i always think that ateez's pirate/anarchist concept is blend so much into the branding of ateez like music video, merch, promotion, and it blends in well that it lets the group experiment with genres that could be implemented into the concept. while in enhypen's case, i think the addition of the storyline is too jarring in a way. we knew they're orphaned/runaway vampires based on given-taken but then why did they go to supernatural school for drunk-dazed and tamed-dashed to then abandoned that to make them be a rebellious vampire group for blessed-cursed and future perfect before returning back to their more vampiric twilight-esque concept for bite me? it doesn't flow well at all if we compare it to ateez's treasure, fever, and the world series

other than that, the concept of enhypen's storyline is not as blurry as ateez because the company is making intellectual property out of this. that makes it feel disconnected from the group instead of making the group inherit it. enhypen doesn't fully capitalized on the vampire concept because hybe is too ambitious by making ips out of their groups (bts with hyyh n chako, txt with star seekers, enhypen and &team with dark blood, le sserafim with crimson heart). i now know that hybe sees their groups as cash cows while kq sees ateez as an investment. also, you don't hear people utter the words "enhypen is the vampires of kpop" like how people say "ateez is the pirates of kpop"...

[ace-la]

MISINTERPRETATION

I hate being trapped in a wall of uncertainty when it comes to one love and being loved not necessarily the love that I have with one person but the love that I have with many people family, friends, whoever. Sure they are certains like a constant of the mother and father and a brother. But there's not always never a other not asking for a lot only asking for the bare minimum of being respected as a human. Care for me like any other human on this earth. whether I be homeless or not, whether I be someone struggling mentally, physically, or emotionally. The unconditional agape love will do whenever it can be brought to me. I don't f*** with the fakery because I don't fake it with you. I always make it unconditionally and yet people play me as tho I'm a fool. This is the reason I stay outside the box outside of society putting myself in this little corner that I been hiding. see it seems like people don't see that there is still is some loneliness left inside of me. Yet I'll also have this feeling of not being alone because I know who I am and I take pride in me. But sometimes I just want to be loved. want to have a hug. Want to be uplifted as well as uplift those in my circle my surroundings. Yes I'm different when I socialize. I'm different when I react, interact and sometimes. I might subtract myself from the situation. Don't get me wrong I can participate in fun activities and intriguing conversation as long as it's a comfortable space to express, impress, distress, myself and others. But there are those that want to separate me from communication. Just because I'm different. I'm out of your ordinary. But yet I'm still here can have a conversation and love you just the same as any other person with respect and dedication. Instead I'm treated like a terrible step child who should be somewhere in the corner sobbing wondering why they are treated different from others made to feel as though I'm some kind of creature or other. But looking back at others knowing that they are the weird ones. Want to have fun but don't want others participate. They rather find a reason to hate then appreciate someone of difference. This is not me asking to accommodate. just learn how to appreciate something different someone's differents because it opens your mind and opens your heart to those who are willing to listen to you as well as you listen to them. Cuz as people we are the same but we go about it in different ways to get the ultimate goal that we look for that we long for that we hope for love, respect, understanding. Nothing about this is demanding it's just when we miss interpret the situation it's a disconnect. So here's your chance to intercept and reconnect so we can give the love respect and understanding.

[fishslappping]

EXCELLENT COMMENTARY and greaaaat additional links. I came back for memes and content to devour until I become physically ill looking at anything relating to iwtv/tvc so I’m late to the discussions!! Ty!!

“These characters are killers. Why is it only when they hit each other that they become unpalatable?”

BRUH.

“We are supposed to be disgusted. We can still feel those emotions and hope, at the same time, that Louis and Lestat can find a way to be together.”

“Personally, there is a kind of tense relief that happens after watching this kind of horror on screen because I know that I am watching a horror story and not a romance, no matter how seductive the set dressing that has been put out in front of me.”

YEAH I think I heard someone mention this on one of the many commentary podcasts - and this is second hand off the top of my head - but there is allegedly a study out there that says people are more likely to tolerate abusive behavior when exposed to romantic stories involving vampires because of the inherent power imbalance in a vampire/human romance. It inevitably always starts with a major lie and always leads to some sort of abusive dynamic for a portion of the relationship or as an integral part of the pull of the romance itself.

They’ve already said they promise Louis will never be an unbelievable victim and I think the reconciliation between him and Lestat is going to be VERY interesting to see play out and I really feel like we can trust these writers with the complexity of it.

Part of the fun of Anne Rice is that twisting of your tightly held morals that makes you question your tolerance for forgiveness and acceptance, not on a scale of black and white universal morality but in smaller situational contexts - which is literally how we all go about living life.

That’s why I LOVE vampires and immortality as a genre. They tell a VERY human story in this heightened, often campy, violent way through the lens of these creatures that, despite all of the supernatural bananas shit, are still at their core human and will never escape that. I craaaaaaave everything about how someone would actually be able to handle it and how immortality/the literal need to kill/ the sudden immense power would affect their perspective on themself, their social/romantic relationships, their worldview etc. (Actually I think the licanius trilogy does a great job with this just fyi but no vampires). I love thinking about how I would react or how I could deal with it. It’s just one of the most fun genres for me and I need more all the time.

Personally, I think it would open you up to more capacity for acceptance and forgiveness tbqh not only because you have to forgive and accept yourself to survive and endure but because time, perspective, and your own personal journey just tend to soften things. Not in a way that lessens their impact, just more so in a way that allows you to…well…accept why and how something happened in addition to how it may have contributed to where you are now. Good and bad, virtue and evil can be at play at the same time within the same person or within the same situation!

All this to say - absolutely agree that it was not out of character for Lestat. The complexity of his struggle to do good while being a symbol of evil and while doing actual evil is what everyone’s favorite saucy feudal french asshole is all about, right? You can love someone who has done horrific things to you, to someone you love, or to complete strangers just as much as you can hate them for it.

Like, personally the most yuck-inducing characters in tvc, for me, are David and Marius. They both have this moral superiority that doesn’t seem to ever be at odds with anything they’ve done or have admitted to. They’re both just passive aristocrats with sticks up their asses and a penchant for literal children. I think Lestat sees that calmness in them and admires it but it’s really his and the others’ struggle with their moralities and how they flip-flop that make them redeemable/likeable/relatable/human (im not crying) to the audience as their lives progress throughout the books. That is what makes them “good” in the context of the books and the characters that surround them.

Like what kind of guy can really hang out with two essentially dead bodies for 2,000 years and not be a creepy asshole tbqh he’s Roman Norman Bates. Roman Bates, if you will.

Akasha did nothing wrong burying him lbr

Ultimately, these stories are always about the human struggle with rightness/wrongness, good/bad, and through that allowing you to feel uncomfortable with these VERY HUMAN THINGS by disconnecting them from reality just a bit until you’re dropped from 13,000 feet after you can’t admit you’ve never loved wallowing in the discomfort of contemplating the human condition and what it means when everything is chaos and everyone interprets and deals with the world in their own way etc etc (just me? Help)

And there are soooo many hottakes out there that are like “well, not excusing the domestic violence, ofc haha, but what about how Louis treated Lestat :(??? He was just as wrong!!” when, as far as I remember, all of Louis’s moments of hurting Lestat are contextually during a dispute and one where Lestat is trying to knowingly disregard Louis’s current dilemma in order to keep him fitted to the mold he hoped to make him in. Yes, yes, “”””unreliable narrator””””””, but if you’ve ever been in any sort of abusive relationship you know those situations where the tiptoes are flattened out and you try to make them finally see it from your perspective. Inevitably, it tends to be taken personally or, like Louis, you burst and try to hurt them as much as they have you. Hurt is hurt but ✨the context✨of that hurt matters. Even so, I don’t think the abusive elements are going to be retconned, tbh - this is Louis’s second more nuanced take at the story of his life, as stated.

Again, it’s Anne Rice. This is all likely going to be about love and forgiveness and acceptance and hope and grief in all of its toxicity & wonder with the very important dynamics of race and sexuality at play where they always should have been in the books - which makes it EVEN MORE OF A HUMAN STORY AND THAT MAKES ME VERY EMOTIONAL SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE

its the way he goes from being genre-evil to being EVIL evil. we can't really internalize like, theatrical bloodsucking. but you know what we CAN feel? viscerally? domestic violence bestie. we can't fully "get" the trojan war but we sure can GET the evil-evil of forcing your daughter to that altar. VISCERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope we all morph genre-evil into EVIL evil this year! like on the animorphs covers. cuz it's not just coming out the gate with evil-evil (game of thrones did this and it didnt work. that's where you get into "gritty" territory). it's saying oh teehee this is genre violence!!! aaaah blood and gore haha. what a fun villain :) and then Iphigenia is screaming dad what are you doing stop what are you doing and running up the stairs on a broken leg and so forth. and then it is not genre-evil anymore at the fuck all. its the lifting of the scrim of theatricality. you can see the blocking tape on the stage

[dreaminginvelaris]

A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

[drmooze]

A Sudden Realisation and a Never-Ending Rant

I’m sure you’ll learn quickly that I’m not the best at taking breaks when I’m obsessed with something.

I’m writing this post because I may have just, 28/05/2022, finally managed to crack what people mean when they say “you are constantly Shifting” and also, the reason why Shifting is so incredibly easy. 

This might be incredibly obvious to some, however, I have gotten incredibly high and currently believe this to be an incredible breakthrough lmao. Also, I think for me this is still amazing, because even if I am just now understanding what it means, at least now I finally understand - I really really get it. 

When they say that you shift every day, every second, they truly mean it. I watched a video where a Shifter explained it - which is when I heard the “you are constantly Shifting” thing, and I thought back on it whilst smoking and suddenly understood. The Shifter presented a scenario in which the viewer could pick between two crystals; one that was purple, and one that was orange (though, the colours could be off). In choosing one, you are shifting to the reality in which you made that decision, you chose one, and therefore didn’t choose the other. Now, there is a reality in which you chose the second option, and you could shift to that should you want to as well. 

But, it goes beyond this! Because there is a universe and/or a reality for literally everything, it means you are constantly shifting. Every time anything small about you changes, you shift into another reality. 

I imagine one could think of them as old film reels. It’s almost like every single moment in time is a different frame, and then in order to get to the next change, you shift to the next reality. That’s why it’s so easy, that’s why we can all do it. Because we are so amazing at it already. 

So, why is it so hard to make bigger changes then? Well, I have a theory on that too. I think that we, whatever we are, humans, beings of pure consciousness, whatever we are that binds us all, we are self-limiting. We like to believe things that are simple, so many people do, and they laugh when others suggest something that could be outside what they believe. I think that we ourselves might eagerly accept this, maybe because we are still social creatures at the end of the day. I’m not sure, and like I said I could be just crazy right now, but, I don’t want to limit myself in that way. If we really are capable of things like this, of manipulating our realities in this way, why wouldn’t I try? What would I gain from that? I just want to know, I want to see and I want to record it. 

I refuse to limit myself just because believing in things that others don’t might be seen as embarrassing. 

I’m not embarrassed about my desire to learn, my fascination with the “impossible”. I don’t think any of us should be. I don’t think people should be ashamed for wanting to learn, to have experiences, to live a thousand lives, to be somewhere safe when what they’re used to is somewhere so horrible, or just to explore the incredible and seemingly limitless abilities of our species. 

This realisation for me is exciting, and maybe it’s helped some of you guys really get it, too. I hope so! If anyone is still struggling please don’t be embarrassed, I’ll happily let you know in another way that’s clearer! I tend to waffle a bit so when I explain things it can be a bit of a mess lmao x

I have been totally getting sucked into my DR recently, and I really think I can shift. I don’t know when, but I know I’ll do it one day. I can just feel it? I am not normally a super confident person but on this I just feel so certain. It’s strange. 

I scripted out a brief portion of my DR, some key ideas and rules I want to have. Mostly just in my head but I’m thinking of writing it down soon for ease. I’m so excited to live out not only this but also the non-scripted parts, the parts where I get to just be a person in that world, where I train and live their life.

I have a strong interest in writing! I love writing anything really, bar Uni essays lmao, but I would love to be able to enhance my writing in my CR, which I believe I will always return to and live in, by actually living through them. I can describe what it’s like to fly, to be able to breathe under water, to go on incredible adventures - and yk the fanfiction game is stepping tf up. 

Lmao I just had to change the title because I have rambled for so long. 

[jadequeen88]

Crimson Canopy

The last thing you thought you’d be doing that day was seducing a god-like, mythical creature... 

PAIRING: Harpy!Hawks x Female!Reader

TRIGGER WARNINGS: oral/penetrative sex, praise kink (if you squint), wing kink, (it’s all pretty vanilla)

AS WITH ALL MY WORK THIS IS NSFW. ABSOLUTELY NO MINORS PLS

This is an AU with no quirks. Humans live a long side mythical races and creatures that they abuse for the most part. You’re part of a secret organization that saves and protects them. 

**************************************************************

Sweat dripped into your eyes as you reached the top of the trail. Panting, you wiped it away with the back of your hand. Wishing (not for the first time today) you’d gotten your ass out of bed earlier so you’d be out of the afternoon heat, you take a long drink from your insulated water bottle. You knew you had patrol duty today, but you still thought it was a good idea to stay up trying to drown your depression with bourbon.

As your breathing slowed, you pull out your phone to see a new message.

Bre: “Done yet? It’s really hot out! Did you find anyone/thing that was injured?”

You: “Not done yet. Got a late start. No sign of any traps set off so far. I’ll text when I’m done.”

Bre: “Good news! Stay safe :)”

You slide your phone back into the pocket of your cargo pants and sit on a nearby stump. From this vantage point, you could use your binoculars to scan the wooded valley below for anyone who needed help.

As you scanned the area, a thought you’d had a million times before flirted through your brain. “I really am disgusted by my own species most days.” If humans weren’t so ruthless, greedy, and arrogant, you wouldn’t have to be out here in the first place.

You were part of a secret rescue agency that saved endangered mythical creatures and races of humanoids from poachers. Whether it was unicorns murdered for their horns and blood, wood elves captured for horrific genetic experiments, or griffins murdered just for existing, humans were relentless. Although, most of the human population grouped elves and other intelligent humanoids into basically being animals themselves. Despite the fact that these races had their own languages, customs, art, and social hierarchy just like humans. The lack of empathy on the part of your race made your stomach turn and your blood boil.

It didn’t take long to spot your first victim. But this seemed... different. The cries were not fully human, not fully animal, but completely full of rage. And the wind! It was as if a small cyclone had suddenly rose from the ground and threatened to swallow the small patch of forest in the valley. You had no idea what could be causing the commotion, but you did know it was caught and needed help. It needed help fast. A lot of poachers had cameras or alarm systems to alert them when a trap was set off. You knew you had a small window or time before things got dire.

You expertly navigated your way down the hillside, having made a crude path over time on your patrols. Within a couple of minutes, you approached the ring of trees that were being violently shaken by the forceful wind.

When you looked into the chaos, you could see enormous, crimson feathers beating wildly into the air. Your eyes widened in wonder and horror when realization washed over you.

“Holy shit.... A Harpy....”

They were so rare and so removed from human society that many believed them to be fairy tales. But what you saw in front of you was definitely real. The creature beat their wings so furiously you couldn’t even make out the rest of their body. The growls and cries of rage still pierced the air as the wretched creature thrashed against its metal wire trappings.

It never got easier seeing just how brutal these traps were. A simple bear trap would be a mercy in some cases.

Not knowing a better way to get the creature’s attention, you let out a loud, high whistle.

The massive wings froze and you were able to see flesh between them. The harpy’s skin was crisscrossed with thin, metal wires that began to dig angry, bleeding cuts all over. A pang of despair rang through your chest. You noticed a golden blonde head slowly turn to face you.

For the second time today, you were absolutely astounded by what you saw in front of you.

A MALE Harpy! You knew enough about the creatures to know that only about 1 in 20 babies born were male. You’d never in a million years expect to come face to face with a Harpy. Let alone a male.

Once the shock wore off, another realization fell over you. He was absolutely, drop dead, gorgeous.

His long golden tresses hung wild around his face and his amber colored eyes burned through you. He had the chiseled jaw line of a Greek god and you couldn’t help but stare for a moment.

You quickly snapped out of it when you realized why you were there. You had to save him.

You slowly circled around to face him, palms out showing you weren’t a threat to him. He wasn’t buying it, though. You knew if he wasn’t bound by metal wires, he’d be eating away at your throat right this second.

Once you were face to face with him, you were able to appreciate the full extent of his terrifying beauty.

His perfectly sculpted chest was bare and bleeding from struggling against the wires of the trap. His mouth was pulled into a snarl, baring sharp canines and you were absolutely sure they could slice through you in a second. The only article of clothing he wore were a pair of woven cropped pants. They were made in an intricate pattern. The anthropologist in you wanted to ask what the material was made of and how it was woven... until a half growl, half whimper brought you back to the reality of the situation.

Your eyes trailed back up to meet the Harpy’s honey-golden irises. The pain in them made your chest ache.

“H-help.... p-pl-please...”

You froze, shocked that this mythical creature was actually able to communicate with you. Most elves you came in contact didn’t speak English. How could a Harpy, an even rarer species, speak it?

You didn’t have time right now. Questions could wait until later. You quickly swung your bag off your shoulder and pulled out your wire cutters.

The closer you got to the creature, you could notice tremors through his body. Especially at the base of his large wings. His right one was bound in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.

You held the wire cutters out in front of you and made eye contact with him.

“These will cut the wires. Okay? This will help.”

You made sure to use the word “help” since he seemed to understand that.

You received a curt nod, his golden, feathery hair flopping into his eyes a bit more.

After snapping ten of the vicious wires loose, he was able to remove himself from the rest. You noticed his hands had long, black nails that were reminiscent of talons. You looked curiously at his feet to see if he had talons. You always heard that Harpy’s had long, nasty talons for feet that they’d gut their prey with. You were slightly (pleasantly) surprised to see perfectly normal feet wearing plain, deerskin moccasins.

You heard a deep, rumbling chuckle and looked up to see him laughing at you while rubbing at his sore biceps.

“You expected horrible talons that I’d use to gut you with, no?” His eyes widened and he exposed his sharp canines when he said “gut you”. Something stirred in the pit of your stomach and you stiffened with surprise.

“Oh god! I’m so sorry! I’ve just... I’ve never met a Harpy, much less a MALE Harpy and you know, we hear so many rumors. I’m just fascinated by your species and culture and-“ you were silenced when he clasped one of his large hands over your mouth. He looked around, obviously sensing something you couldn’t.

He pulled you into a bear hug. You barely had time to register what was happening when the Harpy growled “Hold” into your ear.

With one thrust of his powerful, crimson wings, you were above the tree line. That’s when you heard a gunshot. The Harpy shot forward with incredible speed and didn’t slow down his speed until you were over the next mountain. When you were well away from the danger of the poachers, his wings flapped a little lazier and you were gliding along the air currents at a more relaxing speed.

After the initial shock wore off, you became more aware of your surroundings. You clung to the male like a koala hanging onto a tree. Your arms wrapped around his back tightly and legs around his waist, linking your ankles so you wouldn’t fall.

You immediately blushed as you noticed how hot the flesh of his arms were around you. One arm was positioned under you grabbing your outer right thigh. The other arm gripped your upper back, his strong fingers digging into your ribs right under your breast. You stiffened, embarrassed at the warmth growing between your legs. It’s not like you could really pull away.

You shift your hips nervously, hoping to make your position less awkward. The Harpy caught on to this subtle gesture and you felt his chest rumble against yours. Was he... laughing at you?!

“Excuse me... umm, Harpy... sir. Is something funny?” you ask, growing redder in the face by the second.

“Hawks” he purred in your ear. This did not help the growing heat your body was producing.

“What?”

“Name. Call me by Hawks. It is easier for a human to say than my birth name.” his voice was deep and he spoke with a musical lilt to his voice that was hypnotizing to you.

“Oh...” you trailed off, losing the train of thought you’d had.

There was a long pause before he continued speaking, as if he were pondering the right way to frame his thought.

“Amusing... it is.. amusing to me how easily a human female is....” he trailed off, searching for the right word. “Aroused” the last word was purred directly into your ear.

A shudder went through you and just as you were about to unleash a flurry of curses on him, you felt a jolt as his feet landed on wooden planks.

Hawks leaned forward and let you down gently. You could see you were on a balcony in the top of a massive tree. Branches concealed any evidence that there was a structure built into the tree. You followed the Harpy (or “Hawks” as you now knew him) into a small cabin like structure. Inside was one open room set up like a studio loft. You were amazed at how human everything felt. One wall was lined with bookshelves (guess that’s how he can speak English). There was a small kitchen area and on the opposite wall, a neatly made bed. You didn’t know what to expect a Harpy’s home to look like, but it wasn’t this.

You had so many questions to ask, but didn’t know where to start.

Any questions you had fell silent as the angelic Hawks turned to face you. Two slow steps forward and he was inches away from your face. You froze as his inquisitive eyes trailed your face. From your hairline down to your collarbone. He looked very serious; like he was studying a text book.

Hawks held up one of his hands and gently ran the tip of his index finger down the bridge of your nose. His soft touch ghosted over your lips causing you to involuntarily part them slightly. This caught his attention and his head cocked slightly to the right. He leaned in and you thought he would kiss you, but his face found the crook of your neck and he buried his nose into your warm flesh. You felt him breathe your scent in and your eyes rolled into the back of your head.

“You do not stink, human.” Hawks spoke into your skin.

“Umm. Thank you?” You questioned, not knowing if you should be offended or not.

“As children... we learn that humans are vile and evil. But you...” hawks trailed off, nuzzling his nose into your neck. "You are my savior”

Warmth spread through your chest and without thinking, you tangled your hands into his golden mop of hair and massaged his scalp. You felt his hands gently touch your hips and his beautiful wings encircle you both.

“Most of us are vile and evil, Hawks,” you whisper into his hair, breathing in his woodsy scent. “But some of us try to do better.”

As you continued to massage his scalp, you could feel a humming against your neck and a slight vibration running through his chest. Was he... purring?

Now was your turn to giggle. His face met yours with an embarrassed expression this time. He pulled away and his wings drooped slightly.

You cupped his face in your hands and touched his forehead to yours to ease his discomfort.

“That was a beautiful sound...” you whisper against his lips.

His liquid gold eyes met yours and you froze wondering what would come next.

Slowly, Hawks nuzzled his cheek against yours in a tender gesture. The purring noise quietly started back up and you returned his soft nuzzling gesture.

The earthy, warm smell of his skin was hypnotic. You sighed, wondering what his lips would taste like under your tongue. As your thoughts started spiraling further into your fantasies, Hawks froze.

“Taste...” he whispered, “May I taste you, human?”

Your eyes met again.

“Yes...” you whispered, mere centimeters from his face.

Hawks planted his lips onto your collarbone. After a soft kiss, you felt a long, languid lick trail all the way up to your shoulder. You bit your lip to stifle a moan.

Hawks was obviously not concerned with you hearing his reactions, because a low growl/moan escaped his lips as contact broke and he licked up your neck just as slowly.

The second lick made you shudder and your voice escaped before you could bite it back.

The purring sound got louder and he nuzzled your ear with his nose. The grip he held on your hips tightened and he pulled you in to meet his body. You gasped as you felt the bulge rubbing against your thigh.

“CHRIST he’s huge...”

“Hawks...” you choked out his name in a whisper.

He met your gaze. He was smiling sweetly and his eyes were wide with excitement. You paused and looked from his bookshelf to his face. Then, your eyes traveled around his walls. They were littered with paintings of humans (mostly women) and a lightbulb clicked on.

You grinned slyly and he looked confused.

“You have a human fetish....” you growled seductively.

His eyes widened and his cheeks turned red. His embarrassment only turned you on more. Realizing you had an advantage over the god-like being gave you an abundance of confidence.

“Please sit,” you gesture towards his bed. Slightly confused, he follows your direction.

You walk over and stand in front of him. You hold his hands and look into his eyes.

“First thing’s first. My name is Y/N. You should probably know my name before we begin.” He returns your soft smile.

“Y/N.... I like it.” Hawks says softly.

You melt hearing your name on his lips. Still holding his hands, you place them at the hem of your shirt.

You tremble slightly, in complete disbelief. Seducing a rare, mythical being wasn’t even close to on your mind when you awoke this morning.

“You can undress me if you’d like” your voice cracks and he senses the nervousness in your voice.

Hawks grabs you around the waist and gives you a reassuring hug, burying his face in your stomach.

He pulls away and stands to face you. You raise your arms to make it easier for him to remove your shirt. First your shirt, then bra, then pants are removed. You’re standing face to face with Hawks in nothing but your panties.

He sits back on the bed studying you then kneels in front of you on the floor. Your heart does a somersault in your chest as he grabs your ass.

Hawks plunges his face between your thighs and breathes in deeply. You shudder and moan as you feel his sharp nails dig in to your flesh.

He looks up at you, pupils so dilated you barely see the gold irises.

“I will try to be gentle... human” he pauses and smiles showing canines “Y/N”

Hearing him growl your name causes your knees to weaken and Hawks is quick to hold you up in his firm grasp.

With speed and precision, he takes your panties in his mouth and rips them off, tossing them to the side. Before you register what happened, you’re tossed onto the bed and have you legs draped over Hawk’s broad shoulders.

The Harpy’s wings fly open blocking almost all the light in the small room then slowly descend to tuck behind his back. You watch, hypnotized by the beauty of them. He notices and sports a prideful smile.

“Maybe this is part of their mating ritual? Remember to ask him later...”

Your inquisitive thoughts were ripped from your mind as you felt Hawks’ tongue enter your sopping wet hole. Your hips bucked into his face as a guttural moan escaped your throat.

He begins lapping at you gently, drinking you in. Then he pulls away meeting your gaze.

He takes a finger and experimentally rubs your swollen clit. You throw your head back and nearly scream out with pleasure.

“This... is a human female’s pleasure point. Yes?” He smiles, knowing the answer by your reaction.

“Shit, FUCK, yes... ahh, yes it is. But it’s very sensitive and has to be handled gently” you try to talk while he’s still rubbing small circles around your clit.

“Mmmm...” he hums removing his finger. You feel his arms wrap around your thighs then his soft lips wrapping around the sensitive nub.

Your body rolls upward to meet his mouth. This causes Hawks to resume the involuntary purring from earlier. Feeling the vibrations from it nearly sends you over the edge. His speed gradually increases as you reach your climax.

“Hawks!” You scream out his name as you come, tightening your thighs around his face.

He looks up at you, your slick glistening all over the lower half of his face. A wide grin showing sharp canines spreads across his face.

“That was.. orgasm?” He asked, massaging your thighs.

“Yes. Oh fuck yes it was...” you pant.

Hawks licks his lips proudly then pounces on top of you enveloping you in a strong embrace. You bury your hands in his hair and giggle as he peppers your neck with kisses.

You gently grind your thigh into his his crotch eliciting an animalistic growl.

“When a human female orgasms,” you purr into his ear, “it means her body is ready to take the male,” another slow grind into his bulge, “inside her...”

This sent Hawks completely over the edge. His pants were off with lightning speed and you felt the head of his swollen member at your entrance. His wings flex out again in another impressive display. As he slowly enters you, his wings draped over your bodies forming a cocoon of crimson feathers.

You writhe and moan as he plunges into you, inch by delicious inch. You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him into you. This awakens something in Hawks. He growls and plunges into you.

As he ruts into you mercilessly, you feel sharp canines begin to bite into your shoulder. The mixture of pleasure and pain causes you to cry out.

“OH FUCK, Hawks... yes!” You scream, clawing into his shoulders.

This causes him to bite hard enough to draw blood and his pace quickens. Without thinking, your hands trail inward to pet the downy feathers at the base of his wings. This set Hawks over the edge.

Throwing his head back, he growls and you notice a trickle of blood dripping down his chin. You take it as a good sign and begin massaging the base of his wings. A shudder runs through his body and his eyes roll back into his head.

Feathers trembling, Hawks cries out as he releases inside of you. Your hips roll into his as you ride the wave of your second orgasm. Your walls clamping around his cock causes him to whimper and sink into your chest.

Once you both even out your breath, you wrap your arms tenderly around his waist and massage his muscles.

“So...” you pant looking into Hawk’s golden gaze, “ your wings?”

He turns red and grins sheepishly.

“A Harpy’s pleasure point.” he whispers, gently touching his lips to yours. You realize this it the first time you actually kissed him and close your eyes relishing his velvety, plump lips.

“Mmm...” he hums before breaking the kiss, “Y/N... you are the most...” he stops to run his tongue along your lower lip, “delicious creature...”

Your smile widens as you kiss him again. This time, your mouths part and tongues touch gently.

“Hawks, you’re amazing,” you whisper, relishing the taste of him lingering on your lips.

Hawks nuzzles back into the crook of your neck and resumes his hypnotic purring.

“My... savior...” he breathes. Your hand strokes his golden locks as you feel him drift off to sleep.

A smile lingers on your lips as you drift into sleep under a canopy of crimson feathers