#like. ‘sex-repulsed’ or ‘not interested in sex’ or ‘choosing to be single’ gets the point across

[lilacbestpurple]

Orchidsexual is such a frustrating term not because of the ‘person who feels sexual attraction but does not want a relationship’ part - which is all well and good - but because of the ‘they may be allosexual but are considered asexual/on the asexual spectrum’ part. Why are people who aren’t asexual being considered asexual?

[christinebloodwrittings]

hey, I really like your writing and would like to make a request! Do you write smut? If you do, can you please write one about Loki and his girlfriend losing their virginity together? thnx :) <3

You requested it, I write it 👌😋. Thank you so much, I hope you like it!

(I don't write much smut, but I hope is up to your expectations)

Pairing: Loki x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1540.

Warnings: Smut!, deflowering, praise kink(?), oral (fem receiving).

Summary: You and Loki have been together for a while now. The tension between you two grew as he wanted it, and so did you...only one issue: none of you had sex before.

Initiative.

Pain, intrigue, loneliness, confusion, desire.

Just to take a few feelings out of the hurricane inside your head. You’ve read tons of medical research about it, fanfiction and looked into others sources of information, like porn, although that last one wasn’t too helpful.

Pain. Your boyfriend hasn’t tried anything, related to the subject, in the year you’ve been together. You started wondering if he didn’t liked the idea, or just liked to spend time with you as it is, which wasn’t bad, but you wanted more.

Intrigue. You had tried to imagine how an orgasm might feel like, and actually tried to masturbate but you ended up hot and bothered, besides of very much frustrated.

Loneliness. Loki’s sweet touch wasn’t enough. You felt alone, despite how much Loki tried to remind you of his devotion to you, to tell you that you were the only one in his life, his queen, the best in the world. You came to think that he might be repulsed by how your body would look naked.

Confusion. “Why is it that every time I try to talk to him about it, he disappears or just attempts to change the subject?” sometimes he would silence you with a kiss, due to all his denial, that simple act was enough to ignite the flame in your body.

Desire. You were finally able to put a name to what was pushing you to him. Already being absolutely upset and tired of so much frustration, you decided to ignore your boyfriend almost completely.

"Honey, are you okay?" Tony asked you, he was kind of like a father for you, so it was ok to talk about this…right?

“When is a right time to have sex?” he almost choked on the glass of coke he was having, “Uh, w-why the question?” he stammered a bit, leaving the glass on the table in front of you.

“Wait, are you going to tell me that after all this time, and after all the trouble you went with Mr. Coat-rack-helmet, you two haven’t…” You shook your head, to which he let out a sigh, acknowledging the situation you were in.

“Men are idiots, if he doesn’t show you his interest first, take this reindeer by his horns and make him know your point” he patted your back, “And if he still doesn’t snap out of it, then thank you, next” he ruffled your hair before heading out for a mission, “Thank you, Tony” he smiled at you before the elevator doors closed with the team already inside.

‘He’s never going to let the horn-jokes get old’ you thought with a giggle, that was the right moment. You two were alone in the tower.

You went back to your room, showered, shaved your legs, prepared yourself thoroughly, following a YouTube guide. You thought that wearing a babydoll was going to be too much, so you just choose a black laced bra and panties that matched.

You took a breath, and you knocked on his door. because of your nerves you had the rope that held the robe in place between your fingers, moving the soft spaces with your thumb to reduce how much your body was shaking in anticipation.

You were already imagining his large hands pinning your body down, caressing every single inch of skin on your body-

“Y/N, are you ok my love? Do you want cuddles?” yes you did, but afterwards.

“Loki, I have come to talk to you about something” you managed to keep a stern voice despite how nervous you were.

He offered you his hand, as the gentle soul he is when he is with you, to lead you inside, drawing circles with his thumb.

"What is it that bothers my queen?" He seated you on the bed, facing him, catching him curiously eyeing your robe.

"We've been together for quite some time now, and I was wondering if we could try having sex" his eyes opened wide as soon as you mentioned it.

"I...I mean, Y/N" he questioned himself how to explain the situation without ruining everything, "Is it because of my body? You don't like it?" And it all went clear.

"My love, you are the embodiment of beauty, it's just I have never done something like that before, and I'm concerned of what my body may do to you. Believe me, I've thought about it and it burns me not being able to touch you like I want to, so..."

"So you do want me?" You cut him off, stars in your eyes, "Of course, I just want it to be special" you took his hands on yours, "It would be my first time too, and I want it to be with you" and that broke him.

You moved forward and he catch a glimpse of the lace of your bra, realizing your intentions. Seeing the desire in your eyes made him move forward, trapping your lips with his in a passionate kiss.

His every touch sent shivers down your spine that made you arch your back, moaning in the kiss when he pulled your legs up to position you on his lap.

"My love, I didn't know that you felt this way" he purred against your neck, licking and biting over your collarbones, "It's your fault for denying me enjoying you" you breathed with a grin, which faded after he grasped your ass.

"Well, my dear, you're going to wait a bit longer, just a little bit" you whined at the loss of touch as he moved out of the bed, "I'm going to put something to the test".

You were about to ask what was he referring to when he made his way on top of you, pinning your body against the bed, undoing the knot to fully expose your lingerie to him. 'Oh fuck' you thought, the look on his face, like an animal in heat.

"You, you are going to be the first and only person..." He took your arm and gently pulled you into a sitting position, giving you a little tug on your hip to put you on the edge of the bed, as he lowered himself to the floor, never leaving your gaze. "For whom I will kneel, I hope you have in consideration, that if you are mine, I am yours".

He searched in your eyes some approbation before taking your panties off completely, then he hooked your thighs over his shoulders, only to look at you core like a delicious treat.

"You look beautiful, my love" without leaving room for any thoughts he licked from the insides of your thighs to your throbbing cunt, making you yelp.

"Loki...Fuck, don't stop, please, please" he secured your body down with his arms while he ate your pussy.

You couldn’t think, your hips moved in sync with his mouth, pulling his back closer with your legs. But, as soon as the sticky muscle entered your core, and your back fell backwards, holding onto his shoulders in order to not fall, you couldn’t restrain your voice no longer.

He leaved your pussy, his teeth quickly clenched to your collar bones, as he used his Seiðr to strip both of you of any type of clothing. Then he proceed to the biting, licking and sucking on your breasts, neck, and lower abdomen, leaving all sorts of marks.

"Loki, fuck me please" you let out, the amount of heat was overwhelming, and the time he made you wait almost sinful.

He listened to you, and you knew, since he positioned himself between your legs, letting you know that you should open them, and ran his fingers over your swallowing clit, and inserted two inside, moving them around to stretch you.

Then he took his cock and started to push in the tip, "My sweet darling, you're so right for me, you're taking me in so well, am I hurting you?" halfway in you grasped his shoulders, feeling a strange pain on the down low, which made you whine a little.

"It hurts, Loki..." he stopped, gently stroking your cheek, "Shh, it's ok, I read that it hurts because of the hymen, the pain shouldn't last long my love" he cooed.

Then, high pitched moans, the sound of your skin crashing against his, and hoarse growls filled the room. His thrusting went even more intense every time he pulled you close, the pain had long disappeared so you were 100% just enjoying his attention.

After going on for a while, you felt as if there was a knot on your stomach, then relief, the wave of pleasure forced your eyes up so hard, you thought you would see your insides. He found his release when your walls clenched around his cock.

"Y/N, you did it so well, look at me, I love you" he said between shaky breaths, "My king, you...are so amazing, I love you too" Loki used his power again, to clean both of you up, and pull the covers on top of your bodies.

"Still touch starved?" he asked placing a kiss on your temple as he pulled you on top of his chest, "Always" you smirked, relaxing your body as you fell asleep listening to his accelerated heartbeat.

[flour-cloud]

Henlo fandom! Now we explore that angst situation where Alcina is drunk by a excessive amount of maiden's blood and passed out in front of Donna's door. Mention of: self-inflicted pain, blood, tortures and loss of children.

It is a cold, dark night. When that forgotten-by-Gods village had a night with a full moon and shining stars? Something that was remotely...nice? Alcina was devastated by Ethan's murder of her daughters, she managed to survive by pure accident and the basements smell so good, that place looks so inviting and tempting: darkness, loneliness, silence. Peace. A dead woman rotten to the core clearly belonged to a place with that aura. A long,red,solitary tear run from her eyes to her neck all the way down that white, burned and ripped dress she loves so much. Alcina put her head under the blood line in a tub full of sanguine Virginis than she walks out the door. That disgusting human stole the body of her angels after the fight. If the vampire had a heart she probably would ripped it off her chest. The lady of the castle try to sit on chair made of iron spines in order to feel something different. Maybe that inflicted pain is the proof she has a heart,but one that does not pump anymore. If she peeled her skin maybe she would find crystals, something more noble than that rotten corpse that she is.That numb in her mind ... she was unable to say a single word about anything. The blood she drunk is restoring her body-structures and organs, but she has no urgency of breathing. Suddenly,when the moon reveals itself trough clouds Alcina decides to stand up and drink some more. Her head only reminds her how disgraceful that behaviour is.

So Alcina walks for minutes,for hours, ignored by monsters on the streets,by animals. And she passed out in a foggy zone she does not remember .

Angie opened the door.

"Mom! That tall busty woman smalls bad! Maybe is dead! Can we use her skin? May I have her claws? We can cut them off! " suggests the creature .

It is not usual that Donna moves to the front door from her chamber and her laboratory in the house,but when Angie calls mom should be there, no? A woman passed out at her door? A tall,busty woman? Maybe Alcina? That sounds bad. She paused for a moment and she looks down at her feet the big, stained and smelling body. "Call for help,Angie " Donna decides abruptly "no,darling, you can't have claws from her,she is alive. Very alive, stinky, but alive".

A bunch of clowns and creepy broken dolls help to transport Alcina inside.

Donna is disappointed when Alcina's blood stained the elegant sofa, she scrunch her nose a bit. "Now what? I am bored,mom". "Now we wait, Angie, come here" that authoritative and quiet calls is enough for the doll to obey happily.

Alcina opens her eyes.

"What happened?"asks Donna "miss, what happened?".

"I ... Bela,Cassandra...Daniela" the vampire tried to speak with a bit of fake confidence "they are gone. My precious angels are gone" more blood more tears more stains shaking in her big, massive body.

"Ethan" Donna is clever and fast in deduction "I have to give him the second piece of that baby".

"Miranda will scold you" a fake answer to something that was not a question.

"I am not afraid of her" Donna answers "are you afraid of Mother Miranda?"

"You should. She is immortal until we gave Rose pieces" tells the vampire. Alcina breathe instinctively for a moment and she looks at the veiled woman "she took you,darling,why disrespecting her?"

"Why fight to live without hope of a win? Why to live without the ones we love? We were chosen by mother's, but we are us, we ... feel. She doesn't. I am supposed to be grateful but Mother Miranda only expanded my sorrow."

The whole debate happened trough a doll. A demonic,creepy,doll that Alcina found incredibly creepy but well preserved. The lady scans the room with the eyes able to see in the dark: well dressed dolls with perfect hair and the finest jewelry on the shelves, the flowers and the toxic flowers on the table, the finest piece of furniture. That woman shows taste in art and wood pieces. Alcina looked at her hands: pale long fingers with nails painted in black.

Donna suddenly look distressed and she disappeared in the deep of the house. The conversation was too much for her fragile mind. She need some space and Alcina was not in the mood to follow her.

Time goes by, Ethan got the baby part, but Donna is still alive. Alcina hide while all happened.

Alcina does not know why that dolls were so fascinated by her. Not only Angelica was possessed and possessive, but she started to follow her with a big scissor in her tiny hand. The woman takes her up one day:"Mom she picked me,mom!"the doll screams from the top of her lungs.

Donna remained silent.

Alcina show a vague interest in the demonic creature, but she acts sweetly when the focus is on her: someone like her cannot be bothered by a minuscule doll.

"Are you afraid of heights?"

"I want your claws! Mama does not want me to have them, but they are beautiful and sharpened!" she laughed hysterically.

"You have to listen to your mother, sweet creature" she whispered "mother knows best".

"You have daughters! I remember mama told me about them".

"I had . They were killed by Ethan". It is the first time Alcina can say it out loud, verbally. That sentence sounds unbreakable and definitive, but true.

The doll sits on her shoulder:"You are so tall madame, I can climb you. I still don't get why you choose my door to pass out a week ago".

Ah,the voices shifting, Donna is back from darkness.

"Do you want to climb me specifically, Donna,or is that a little joke from your doll?". Alcina does not have idea if she was flirty and why. The artist does not want to makes Donna close herself again inside her dark mind.

Alcina thought about the last time she met the dollmaker, that elegant, dark and melancholic figure that speaks only by her doll. In the past week she saw Beneviento dress, the creative process of her creatures. "She has daughters that will never be corrupted by Miranda" she thoughts feeling the sadness arise in her chest.

Donna in her room is sewing faster than usual. She missed a point. She is distracted, she is afraid and that sentence in mind:"Do you want to climb me?" What does that mean? That woman has no shame literally and Donna does not want to be touched by anyone. Maybe Angie could do some work with her body and that vampire was enormous. Ugh. Too much to process.

Donna Beneviento decide she should do something about the vampire question in her room downstairs.

"I am sorry for the loss you experienced " Donna declared with her firm and soft voice "I want to give you something" . The creative act is sacred to Donna, she infused the presents with magic and dark force but the looks,oh, the details, the refined painting and the matching capes. Every doll has its own blade and insects made by gemstones on the dresses.

Alcina collapsed on her knees and then looked to Donna who keep an unreadable expression under her curtain. "You should stop drink this much, madame. I cannot stay here every night of my life listening to bad jokes about sapphic sex".

Donna run away and Alcina takes two big breaths in, two out. These dolls were identical to her daughters, it was a gift by Donna , a sign of her attention to the loss and mourning the woman faced.

No, her daughters did not die forever. She takes the dolls and cuddle them, she held them onto her chest.

What was that about sapphic sex? The vampire rolled her eyes.

Also Angie climb up to her. She wants to be cuddled and hugged.

"You'll may be my new second mum if you stop scaring mama Donna" she warning the woman.

"I am not scaring your mother and I was still drunk".

"Don't try to justify yourself!" That scream again from empty lungs not used to work properly. Alcina avoided a blade from Angie. "Mom appreciated you eradicated flowers Miranda gave us. Mom wants to be happy. Mom wants to be safe ".

Alcina ripped the horrendous flowers from the house and the garden one of the morning after she get drunk. Alcina as a perfect lady was not able to keep her hands out of Donna's house that was... dirty, if she had to say kindly. The lady decided that an act of good can do better than a dozens words of wisdom.

"I did it because it was necessary: if she wanted to be freed from Miranda's power the flowers are a first step".

"Mom knows that you are kind and considerate. Sometimes. When you do not eat human flesh, she doesn't like that behaviour ".

"It is not something I decided to start: It is a consequence of the mutation Miranda induced" the vampire defends herself.

"She knows,but she does not like it anyway" replied Angie" and she also think you two have two talk when she feels better". Alcina agreed

The next monday Donna feel better to face a conversation. At 9.00 in the morning,Donna shows up at the table .

Alcina looked at her:"How are you,darling?".

"Scared" answered Donna " and tired. Do you still have some jokes about sex? I find sex repulsive".

"I find sex interesting. But I am the one here who is trivial and coarse isn't it?" She smiled " so you are interested in me but not in sexual situations. Ok" she sipped a little of blood tea.

Beneviento didn't expected that fast acceptance for her condition about their relationship. Relationship? Oh God. She looked at Alcina.

"Is that ok for you?".

"Incredibly ok" answered the vampire lady "you host me in your home, you gave me your couch and you use your magic for me without doubting a moment. If I have to renounce sex for all of this...fine. your doll is far more interesting to me than a vagina".

"Thank you". The only thing miss Beneviento was able to think about was "thank you" like a broken neon.

The vampire nodded :"yes,I know, I am fabulous and awesome and I eat human flesh but darling,I would be too perfect If I didn't. You have fetus in the hall".

"It is an allucination" said Donna but she laughed "do you like it? Sometimes I call it Roger".

"You give your hallucinations names?"asked the woman.

"They were the only thing I had before your drunk depressed night walk".

"So I did the right thing somehow" decided the brunette, happily .

"No, but I am not in the position to criticise your choices ".

"You did it right now".

"I prefer to call what I did - exposing facts-" Donna take the tea.

Alcina laughed and also Angie.

"You have very strange reaction when you are afraid. So you need another mom for Angie?"

The dollmaker was quiet for a moment:"Yes. And weren't you the one who was happy with climbing up to each other?".

Sassy. Donna Beneviento is incredibly sassy when she feel enough strength and emotional involvement with someone. Alcina loves it.

"So can I climb on you?"asked Angie to Alcina" now you are my mom!" The little doll was delighted with her new person in the house.

Alcina gave to Donna a long,intense and funny sight. The question implied is clear to them both.

Maybe Donna also needed a mom sometimes. Maybe her damaged mind blurs the lines between the affection she missed and the affection she is getting,but that's not important. She is happy again, the house is full of living presences. A vampire. Oh,the irony...

The doll hugged mom Alcina strongly.

Miranda punished Donna for the misbehaving and the Ethan question, she suffered again and she came back home struggling to breathe properly because of the tortures she faced.

Alcina preserved her and protected her till the end of their time. The explosion and the mold died was a relief to both of them. Angie was broken,but Donna opened her single eye with the face covered in blood. She snuggled into Alcina arms for a moment covering her dress with stains, the vampire cleanse the veils in a fountain and put them back on Donna's angelic face, giving her a kiss.

"Sleep,darling, you are tired" Dimitrescu murmured while caressing the hair of the other woman on her lap "sleep,I am here. We did it. Ethan won".

"I want to be drunk right know" Donna declared and gives Alcina a kiss, a long, intense blood-tasting kiss.

"Nah,darling,better this way. I am sure tomorrow you will be at work for something that can climb up to me and I have a maiden to crush".

"Probably " answered Donna "but please,do not left the couch dirty. I have only one couch" and she fall asleep after a long time, hand in hand with someone who loves.

[quietnqueer]

Does one HAVE to be born asexual or can one BECOME asexual? Some thoughts on the ‘attraction not action’ and related discourse.

There’s no proof that asexuality arises from biology. However, that doesn’t stop many ace-spec folk (including myself) from talking about our asexuality as something inborn, innate, immutable.  We are adamant that we can no more change our ace-ness than we can the colour of our skin.

When we speak about our asexuality in these terms, we’re trying to get across how real our orientation feels to us. Asexuality isn’t something we chose, it isn’t something we made up. And it doesn’t matter that there’s no ‘asexual gene’. We just know we’re ace.

Claiming our asexuality to be something innate to us, is our strongest weapon in a world which assumes that everyone wants sex and everyone experiences sexual attraction. When we say we were ‘born’ asexual, not only are we popping a pin in that ‘sex is essential to the human condition’ balloon, we are also demanding that asexual people be recognised, accepted, and protected, for we cannot ‘help’ what we are.

The most widely-accepted definition of an asexual person today - someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction - encourages this ‘essentialist’ discourse.  Asexuality 101 likes to make it very clear that being asexual has nothing to do with whether you actually have sex or not. Asexual is an orientation, something you just are.

I want to talk about some of the problems and limitations of this.

Firstly, it doesn’t allow for the fact that some people’s sexual orientation is fluid / can change over time. The idea that one is born asexual is so dominant in the ace community, that the voices of those who feel they ���became’ asexual, or move in and out of asexuality, could get drowned out, or worse still, dismissed entirely. Do we accept that people can identify as asexual even if they’ve experienced strong sexual attraction before? Can people claim to be asexual if their lack of sexual attraction is something contingent, influenced by their external environment, rather than as something innate and immutable?

For this is another issue with the ‘born asexual’ rhetoric. It prohibits an exploration of how social and cultural forces also influence / intersect with our asexual identities and experiences.

Before I discovered I was asexual, I didn’t identify as anything - not straight not gay not bi. I was just nothing, a blank. However, the reason I didn’t identify as straight wasn’t because I knew I lacked sexual attraction towards men; it was because I was a radical feminist and rejecting heterosexuality went with the territory.

Yet even now, having realised I’m asexual, my feminist politics still ‘inform’ my (a)sexual identity. My feminism reinforces my asexuality, it allows me to revel in it that little bit more. It’s not just that I don’t experience sexual (or romantic) attraction towards men. I’m glad I don’t because it means I don’t have to try and reconcile my ‘grrr patriarchy!’ worldview with any squishy-squashy feelings I may have towards individual men - because I don’t experience those feelings.

                                                         [...]

I’m a feminist who has never been sexually attracted to men or been interested in forming a relationship with a man. However, what if a woman was attracted to men, but decided to stop pursuing sexual relationships with them because she believed to do so would compromise her feminist politics?  Could she claim to be ace?  Well, in the seventies, during the days of second-wave feminism, some women did identify as asexual on this basis.

The authors of ‘The Asexual Manifesto’, a feminist pamphlet published in 1972, wrote: “we reject any possibility of sex… [to] prevent ourselves from being sexually exploited and oppressed… For us, asexuality is a commitment to defy and ultimately destroy the baseless concepts, surrounding both sex and relationships, which support and perpetuate the patriarchy.”  [You can read the full manifesto here.] 

In stark contrast to today, the manifesto does not define asexuality as an innate orientation, but as a political identity, as an “efficient ‘alternative lifestyle’ for revolutionary women”. It argues a case for women to choose asexuality.

To choose to lead a life without sex is still a radical act, especially when that choice is informed by a feminist / queer politics, and regardless of whether you’re sexually attracted to others or not. Given that so much of what The Asexual Manifesto had to say about the sexual exploitation of women still applies today, I think there’s grounds for incorporating this definition / experience of asexuality within current ace discourse and to create space for people to claim asexuality as a purely political identity.

                                                           [...]

What difference does it make, what harm do we think it would do, if someone wants to identify as asexual because they - quite willingly and quite happily - lead a life devoid of sex/sexual relationships, even if they (whisper it) still find themselves sexually attracted to other people from time to time?

I think ace discourse today is a little too insistent on making a lack of sexual attraction the arbiter of asexual identity. Asexuality 101 likes to point out that being ace comes down to ‘attraction not action’ i.e. you can be asexual and still have sex, you can be asexual and even enjoy having sex. What makes one truly ace is that you don’t fancy the person you’re fucking.

Now, I’m not arguing here for celibacy to be used interchangeably with asexuality. However, I think the emphasis on ‘attraction’ over ‘action’ does exclude some people from potentially identifying/allying with the ace community. There are people who experience sexual attraction, but who don’t have sex, who are sex-repulsed / indifferent, and/or prioritise / prefer non-sexual relationships. These non-normative experiences / feelings around sex are bound to affect their everyday lives, in ways which asexual people may understand and be familiar with.

I potentially have more in common with a single woman who experiences sexual attraction but who lives a sex-free life, than I do with an asexual woman who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but who’s married and has sex with her partner. Those who live a ‘single at heart’ / queer spinster life can still experience a lot of stigma, and this is the case regardless of whether they are sexually attracted to others or not. The lack of ‘action’ can give rise to just as much discrimination / judgement / weird looks as the lack of ‘attraction’. But this is what gets lost I think when so much ace discourse, indeed the very definition of asexuality itself, is so firmly rooted in asexuality being an innate, inborn orientation.

Can we allow for people to become asexual as well as to have been born asexual?

Must we insist that asexuality is something that resides in your head with nothing much to do with what goes on in your bed?

I want to give a massive hat-tip to Rotten Zucchinis’ blog series: ‘Notes on Neoliberalism, Homonormativy, and Ace Discourse’ which got me thinking along these lines and inspired this post. You should definitely check out the series here.

[theramseyloft]

You probably already get this question alot, but could I have some care tips (Cage requirements, food, basic care) and anything that might repel me from them? (Especially for a racing Homer - which is what I'm assuming they have here since pigeon racing is quite a big industry in my country) (I'd love to adopt but sadly that's not an option here since there's barely even dog rescues here) Thanks so much in advance!

I’ll start with what might repel you, starting with things inherent to the species, and then to potential effects of their personal history.

First thing’s first; DUST!!! 

If you, or any one in your house hold, has dust related allergies or any respiratory issues at all, pigeons are not the pet for you.

They are dust monsters! For their size, the Columbidae produce more dust that any other domestic bird.

It is also a much finer dust. It floats in the air like thin smoke and takes a long time to settle, so you will breathe more of it with a group of pet pigeons than you would with parrots, chickens, quail, or song birds.

Definitely more than any mammalian dander that I know of.

Pigeons are only really territorial over what they consider a nest space. Away from their nests, they are social and quite friendly, but the fiercely defend their nest from all comers.

If they are in a loft, or have free flight of a room, that aggression is constrained to the actual nest itself and anything with in about half a body length from the lip of it.

But if they are in a cage, the entire cage is space that they feel a powerful instinctive drive to defend.

Any uninvited entry is seen as an intrusion either by a predator or a rival, so I usually advise people not to attempt to physically interact at all with the pigeon in their cage. 

Talking to the birds is fine, but all physical intrusion is seen as aggression that they have to defend against.

So, when you want to begin physically interacting with them, it’s best to invite them out into your room in the evening.

I’ll go into coop and home interaction training after the basic housing part.

Unless they are out of a sex linked pair, or you get them as fully mature adults, pigeons are absolute hell to sex.

Homers do become dimorphic as they age.

Karen is an adult racing homer cock.

Bird-bird is an adult hen of the same breed.

Look at Karen’s wattle (The thick skin above his nasal slits, at the base of his beak)

Now look at Bird-Bird’s.

His wattle is much bigger and more intricately developed than hers. 

Her face is much finer featured than his.

He stands more upright.

She stands more horizontal.

But as peeps, they are nearly impossible to differentiate.

This is important, because the social behavior of cocks and hens and how it translates to humans tends to be VERY different.

Hens are VERY cuddly! Even into adulthood.

But adult cocks are platonically touch repulsed.

A flock mate is likely to make physical contact with a cock for one of two reasons: Another cock starting a fight, or a hen asking for sex.

They even make friends with flock mates through combat.

Until it sinks in otherwise, all attempts at physical contact with a cock is perceived as a challenge to a fight.

Non-aggressive contact with a cock is seen as an invitation for him to be your mate, and cock love is VERY pinchy!

Pigeon courtship consists of a three part ritual called Driving.

In the Chase trial, A cock will harass and bite a hen until she flees. If she was interested first, she’ll flirt to get his attention, and then fly off.

He HAS to chase her, keep up with her, and out maneuver her, all while herding her towards his nest so that she dives in when she’s too exhausted to continue to fly.

If he cannot out maneuver her, fly faster, and stay in the air longer than her, then her peeps will be more likely than her to be caught and eaten by a predator, and she will refuse that cock the opportunity to fill her eggs.

After she inspects the nest and has rested, she will try to leave. The second courtship trial revolves around blocking her exit and physically wrestling her back in until she is too exhausted to keep fighting him.

If he cannot block the generally smaller, weaker hen from leaving and fight her to a stand still, then he can’t hope to block another cock trying to force his way in, throw him out if he manages to pop in by surprise, or keep fighting him until he gives up.

Only after proving his stamina and strength to the Hen directly may he offer her a sample of the contents of his crop.

This is the sweet kissing part of courtship, after which they preen and cuddle and he’s allowed to step up onto her back and tread her.

This translates very poorly with a human partner, and if you have a cock as a companion, you have to be ok with a LOT of love bites before you can get to the soft cuddly part of the relationship.

Suddenly running up to you and biting out of nowhere is NOT aggression. They give LOTS of warning when they are upset.

Running up to attack you out of nowhere is a misguided attempt to begin Driving you, and he will go WAY over the top with it, because he is trying to impress a COLOSSUS with his physical strength, stamina, and tenacity.

You can understand how this could translate poorly to a human partner!

There are ways to respond to minimize the bitey bit, but we’ll get to those in another ask. This one is going to be VERY long as is.

Now, what we have just discussed is base line pigeon, with no outside components making anything more difficult.

Racers old enough to fly have been through daily training tosses; where they are grabbed, put in a basket, and released every day at increasing distances from the loft.

The best case scenario is a strong fear of hands from being grabbed and stuffed into the basket and occasionally restrained and injected with a vaccine. 

The luckiest individuals have only had to navigate for miles every day to return to safety, food, and family.

Racing birds can also have to dodge hawks, or fly through inclement weather during training flights.

Some can even make it home severely injured.

Understandably, adult racers of either sex will need to be patiently worked through a STRONGLY reinforced fear of hands.

We have lots of posts discussing how to work with fearful pigeons, and I’ll be happy to go into it again in more detail, but that’s another for a different post.

Basics of care for pigeons are very simple.

They are strict granivores. Seeds are all they can digest, but they can eat a very wide variety of seeds. The more variation, the better.

Pigeons do not hull their seeds. They swallow them whole, and depend on the hulls as vital dietary fiber, so don’t give them seed that is already hulled.

Their diet should involve as much variety of seed, grains, and legumes as you can get your hands on, the size of an unpopped kernel of popcorn or smaller (Most breeds can;t swallow seeds much bigger than that) with some source of calcium available.

You can have a separate dish of oyster shell, or you can sprinkle powder in a single birds daily meal, or add liquid calcium to their water dish.

NOT all of those at once! Calcium can be overdosed!

Which ever method works most easily for you and your bird.

Pigeons are intensely social birds that get most of their enrichment from interaction.

They are happiest as free roaming house pets, like a cat or dog, that can come see you or go do their own thing as they choose.

Pigeons are smart enough to learn house rules.

Understandably, that is not an option for every one, and free roaming unsupervised before they learn the house rules can be dangerous.

If you cannot let the bird free roam their own room, you can easily modify a dog crate to house them comfortably.

They need square perches. Because they are cliff nesters, round perches put painful pressure on the ball of their feet, making walking painful.

I like to cut garden stakes to length and wire them into place.

A corner bunny litter pan is a decent nest box, but not necessary. They will nest just as happily in a cheap dog food dish.

Pigeons are ground foragers, so they prefer a shallow dish of food on the floor of their enclosure.

Ideally, the modified crate cage for the pigeon should be used like it would be for a pet dog; That is not where the animal lives full time. That is where it sleeps at night or hangs out when you aren’t home to supervise it, until it learns the house rules.

Toys are very simple, because their interaction tools are very limited.

Pigeons can recognize themselves in mirrors and love to play with them.

They enjoy bathing in a dish of water about hip-deep.

They can have sand or straw filled forage boxes to hunt for treats like safflower seeds in.

Stick-shaped, Shiny, and Jingly is their holy trinity of toy characteristics.

q-tips with the cotton tips cut off, tooth picks with the points clipped, wicker kitty balls with jingle bells inside, bread ties with jingle bells that are too big to accidentally swallow  twisted to either side, or made into a jingly ring, are all cheap, simple toys that a single pet bird will have fun playing with.

I mentioned coop training earlier, and it’s super simple.

Starting in the evening, open the door to the cage and invite the bird out.

Don’t hang around waiting for it to come. Go settle in to do something quiet and sedentary, like reading a book or surfing the net.

Pigeons are naturally curious, and the best way to work then through the fear of people they may have developed is to be as nonthreatening as possible and reward their curiosity.

Talk to them to desensitize them to your voice and start teaching them how you communicate.

They will eventually grow brave enough to come explore you yourself. 

A quiet, pleased greeting will reward them by not startling them.

Have safflower seeds available, but don’t try to reach out to give it to the birds.

Let them discover that you have them, and be still and non-reactive when they take some. Offer verbal praise, but don’t start trying to move until they ease away from automatic flightiness.

I specify beginning this process in the evening because trying to get a bird back into the crate before it trusts you is very difficult and your best bet to avoid making it afraid of you despite your friend-making efforts is to avoid having to chase it back into its pen at the end of flight time.

Starting these in the evening allows you the option to avoid chasing entirely just by turning off the lights.

At the end of out time, give a verbal warning like “Lights out” or “Bed Time”, and then wait a minute or two before actually turning off the light.

Pick the bird up in the dark, and return it gently to its enclosure.

It will begin to associate the “Lights out” or “Bed time” warning with the lights going out, and eventually learn to fly back to the pen in the space of time before the lights actually go out.

That’s about the skin and bone basics of care.

Please, by all means, send more asks for more information on any aspect or detail of pet pigeon keeping.

I am always happy to answer. ^v^

[infinite-beginnings]

Happy Asexual Awareness Week!

I wanted to take some time to share my personal Ace story and how I took the long and slow and confusing and sometimes scary journey to realizing I was Asexual.

I probably would’ve been able to identify myself as asexual all the way back in middle school, that is, if I had known what it was. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn the term until many many years, and several failed dating attempts later. In fact, I didn’t start identifying as an Asexual until I was 22 and out of college.

That is why I am writing this. It is not because I am an expert on Asexuality or because I have all of the answers. Because trust me, it’s five years later and I am still figuring this whole thing out. This is my personal story and everyone’s experience is different but I am writing this because I hope that if I share my experiences, some beautiful person somewhere will read it and think “huh, that’s sort of how I feel,” and that will be the missing puzzle piece they need to figure out their sexuality.

If anyone knows me, you know that I tend to write A LOT, so this is ridiculously long and if you choose to read the whole thing, you have my great admiration.

Let me tell you a little bit about my journey from a straight woman to a biromantic asexual. 

Let’s start back in middle school and high school. I can sum up my love life in one word: Nonexistent. I remember feeling left out when my more boy crazy friends talked about their crushes. I for one, had a severe lack of crushes. There were boys I thought were cute and nice, but I couldn’t relate to the intensity of the feelings of my friends.

Looking back, I think I forced myself into having crushes. I would be talking to a male friend who I thought was cute and wonder if this was a crush. Then, my friends would all tell me that we looked good together and I would admit that I thought that I liked them and we would all squeal over the possibility.

Of course, nothing ever happened. I used to blame it on my shyness and awkwardness, and while that might still be a part of it, I think the bigger reason that I never acted on any of my “crushes” was because I simply didn’t want to. I enjoyed being friends with these boys and that was good enough for me. I remember thinking repeatedly that I wouldn’t have wanted to date a boy because I hadn’t acted soon enough and now we were too good of friends to ruin.

Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. I was running a retreat through my church and we were playing a game to get to know the leaders. One of the questions asked us to describe the worst date we’d been on. I was last in line, so I sat there and listened to the other peer leaders describing their dates. As time went on I grew more and more uncomfortable. I excused myself to go to the bathroom before it was my turn to speak. Once there, I cried my eyes out.

Now, it may not seem like that big of a deal, a sophomore who hadn’t even been on a single date yet. But it was the first moment where I really felt like something was broken inside of me. I felt so disconnected from the stories the others were telling and I didn’t know why. I had no idea why I didn’t have the same experience as everyone else in the room. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I was missing out on anything until that moment.

I didn’t know what a panic attack was back then either, but looking back, I’m pretty sure I was having one. Eventually, one of the other peer leaders found me and helped to calm me down. She assured me that it didn’t matter one bit that I hadn’t been on a date yet. I accepted her reassurances, but I couldn’t tell her how empty I was really feeling.

Fast forward again to my senior year. This is when I think I had my first honest to god crush. We met at a summer camp and were friends for a couple years before things started to get more intense between us.

The summer after my senior year we spent a couple weeks together at this camp. One night we snuck out together and stayed up talking for hours. That’s all we did, talk. To this day, there are still people who think that there is no way that all we did was talk...but anyways. He was a sweet boy and I loved spending time with him. Sitting and talking for hours on end felt right to me.

A couple days later, I remember this boy telling me that he had really wanted to kiss me that night.

I honestly cannot remember what my response was, but it was probably awkward and not at all what he was looking for. I was so shocked and had no idea how to respond. After the week ended we were texting and he told me that him saying he wanted to kiss me was his way of telling me that he liked me. This I was better equipped to deal with. I told him that I liked him back, because I honestly did. He would hold my hand and it would make butterflies erupt in my stomach.

A lot of boring and awkward teenage flirting later, we ended up kissing on my front porch. My first kiss. And I froze. I literally did not move a muscle. I chalked it up to first kiss nerves.

I remember afterwards I went inside and leaned against the front door and smiled like girls do in cheesy romance movies. I was happy and glad that I had finally experienced my first kiss, but I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was supposed to be. Again there was this weird disconnect that I couldn’t explain. I was glad to have gotten my first kiss, but there were no emotions deeper than that.

I tried talking to one of my more experienced friends about it and he just told me that the first couple kisses were always awkward and I just had to give it a couple more chances.

So I did. My freshman year of college, whenever I was home I would see this boy and the nights frequently ended in kisses.

Now, I really liked this boy. We talked all the time and I felt comfortable talking about pretty much everything with him. So I really wanted this to work. And I could tell he liked the kissing, so I kept trying.

But in the end I came to the conclusion that I didn’t enjoy it. I would find myself in the middle of what should’ve been a steamy make out session feeling bored. I would wonder how much longer the kiss would go on. 

I didn’t understand it, because I loved cuddling with this boy and the little physical touches of affection would give me goosebumps, but I did not enjoy the kissing.

Eventually what we had fizzled and we went back to being just friends. And I tried to rationalize my feelings by thinking that him and I just didn’t have chemistry or that I didn’t know how to kiss correctly so it felt wrong.

I had no idea what to do with these feelings, so I just pushed them aside.

I didn’t date at all through college.

I told myself that it was because I didn’t go out and party and that was how people seemed to meet each other. Truth is, the whole hook-up culture really freaked me out. I don’t judge people who participate in it, but I just couldn’t even in a million years think of doing something like that. It made me uncomfortable to think about, so I stayed away.

Then, my senior year of college I read a post on tumblr that changed my life. It was a post about Sam Winchester from Supernatural and it called him a demi-sexual. This piqued my interest so I read more about it. I learned that this was a term for people who could only feel sexual attraction to people who they had developed a close emotional connection with.

That sounded like me. It explained why the college hook-up life was not appealing to me and why I had trouble dating. By the time I felt close with someone, they were my friend and I was “stuck in the friendzone”. I figured my main problem was that I didn’t know how to get that close to the guy I was trying to date.

After college, my sister convinced me to try a dating website. I was dubious about it, but I did it and managed to find a couple really sweet guys. One of them I actually dated for an extended period of time.

I still thought I was demi-sexual at this point, so I told him I wanted to take things slow. And we did, and he was very respectful about it. Eventually we got to the point where he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes.

So we kissed. And the only thing I can remember is disappointment. I was disappointed because this kiss didn’t feel any different than my other ones.

The next day, this boy texted me that he’d been thinking about our kiss and couldn’t wait to do it again. This was a tipping point for me. As sad as it made me, I knew I had to break up with him. He obviously felt a lot more intensely towards me than I did him and I didn’t want to lead him on. The truth was, the only thing I’d thought about since our kiss was how I might be able to avoid kissing him again soon. It was only fair that I broke things off with him before they got any more intense.

Plus, I had to figure out what the heck was going on with me. Demisexuality was close, but it didn’t seem to be a perfect fit.

So I went back to the internet and tumblr and I finally found out about asexuality. At first I really tried to talk myself out of identifying as an asexual because it sounded a little scary. Sex is just an important part of our culture and dating life. How was I supposed to navigating dating if I didn’t want to have sex or maybe even kiss? Was that really who I was or was the problem that I hadn’t just found the right person yet? I read every article I could find, but honestly they weren’t much help.

The problem is that asexuality is such an umbrella term. In simple terms, Asexuality can be defined as a lack of sexual attraction. But that being said, I read that there were some asexuals who still felt sexual attraction and some asexuals who enjoyed having sex. There were other asexuals who were sex-repulsed. The list goes on and on. There are dozens of different unique terms within asexuality and honestly, it’s all kind of overwhelming.

I just wanted to know if I was asexual or not. I wanted to be able to take a test or check off a list or something, but it’s not that simple.

I anonymously reached out to a few asexual tumblrs and told them my story. They all responded in similar ways. They said that it sounded like I could be asexual, but ultimately, only I could really make that decision.

I let this stew for a few months. I went back and forth. Sometimes I tried talking myself into asexuality and sometimes I was talking myself out.

Eventually, I decided that the asexual umbrella was big enough to cover me. The more I thought about my life, the more things seemed to make sense through an asexual lens.

The way I used to read the Nora Roberts books that my older cousin smuggled me. I would often skip over all of the sex scenes, not because they made me uncomfortable, but because they bored me. I was much more intrigued in the story.

How I never really enjoyed watching sex scenes in movies.

How I cringed at the smacking sound that kisses made both in movies and in real life.

How much I hated reading fanfiction that was smut and couldn’t even properly write two characters kissing.

Everything that used to make me feel out of place and different from my friends could be explained by the fact that I was asexual.

I have not tried dating since I figured out that I was asexual. The already daunting dating world gets a lot more scary when you remove the sexual aspect. 

I know I am not aromantic, because I really want a partner to go on dates with. Who I can cuddle with and hold hands and share secrets with. I yearn to find someone to share my life with. I really want the romance part that comes with dating. It’s just hard to find someone who wants to do those things but is okay with not kissing or having sex.

I haven’t quite figured out how to navigate that one yet (like I said, still figuring stuff out). I do know that identifying as Ace made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I was. I no longer tried to explain away my lack of sexual feelings. I no longer feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t want to kiss a pretty boy who’s into me.

Now, I’m sure some of you picked up on the biromantic thing and are wondering why I have only been talking about boys. That is because I thought I was straight. My lack of sexual attraction was disguising my love for women and everyone else. When I told my sister I was Asexual she asked if that meant I could like women if I wasn’t interested in sex.

I told her that Ace people could still be Pan or Bi or heteroromatic when it came to who they found appealing, but her question made me start to think about whether I really only liked boys or not. Now, I think I definitely gravitate more towards men. Most of the characters in shows I find myself obsessing over are men. But that being said I can definitely think of times where I was into a girl. I would think of how attractive a woman was and be fascinated by her. I just thought my appreciation of her stemmed from either friendship or jealousy. 

This is all slightly hypothetical since I haven’t actually tried dating a woman, but when I picture it in my head, it feels just as comfortable to imagine being in a relationship with a woman as it does with a man. Because of this, I choose to identify as biromantic. At the end of the day, labels should make us feel comfortable with what we are and they are not set in stone.

Maybe someday I’ll date a woman and decide it’s actually not for me. If that happens I can drop the Biromantic part. If you take anything out of this very long story, it’s that you should identify with whatever makes you feel comfortable.

If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual, try sitting with it for a while. See if identifying as Ace feels like it fits with you. If it doesn’t, keep searching. There’s no perfect answer and labels are not perfect and are not necessary. Labels simply help us form a community of people who feel similarly to us.

Since I’ve started to identify as asexual I’ve told my closest friends and my family. For the most part I’ve received unconditional support and a few of them told me that they were not at all surprised to find out I was Ace. 

I’ve also experienced my brother telling me that maybe my lack of sexual feelings stemmed from confidence issues and maybe if I lost some weight I would feel more comfortable in my body and feel comfortable having sex. I’ve also experienced my mother telling me not to worry about labeling myself because I didn’t want to limit my options. She then proceeded to pretend that we’d never had that conversation at all.

Coming out as asexual can be a little bit complicated because of the lack of knowledge surrounding asexuality. I find myself often having to explain what asexuality is along with telling them that I am ace. It adds a bit of chaos to an already scary process.

Here is my humble advice to anyone considering coming out to your friends or family. Educate yourself on asexuality. I will include some of the resources I turned to at the end of this. Try to have answers to give them about it. Be strong. You know your feelings and your mind. Tell them honestly how you feel. Answer all of their questions up until the point you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable talking about your feeling surrounding sex or anything like that, simply tell them that.

I’ve had some friends ask me some pretty personal questions surrounding my asexualtiy. For me personally, I encouraged it, because I was trying to educate them and help them know how I felt. But for you, you might want to set boundaries about what you are and are not comfortable with.

To all of my Ace people out there, happy Asexual Awareness Week! You are valid, you are loved, you are perfect, and you are whole.

I am always here to talk if anyone has questions, stories, concerns, or just looking for a sympathetic ear!

Here are some websites and tumblrs I turned to while looking for information on Asexuality! This list is by no means excusive or the best one around, it’s simply what I used!

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/asexual/

https://www.asexuality.org/

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual

@fuckyeahasexual​ @perksofbeingace​ @thehumorousace​ @asexualadvice​ @asexual-society​ @life-of-an-asexual​ @asexualawarenessweek​

[afreakingdork]

Review: Hannibal

This show has been a rollercoaster and not in a good way. I’ll come right out and say it: I hate this show. I came into it totally fresh; I had heard people liked it and knew absolutely zero about it. I haven’t even seen Silence of the Lambs. I’m fresh off Death Stranding so I was getting really curious about Mads Mikkelsen and I can totally see the influence. Some of the scenes where Mads is slicked up with inky black liquid look straight out of the game. The story however is a total mess. Now, whether this is because Bryan Fuller’s intentions were dashed (the whole 5 seasons thing) or if there was something else at play. I can’t be sure, but what I do know is that even if you can’t fulfil your vision, that doesn’t mean you just do whatever and throw caution to the wind. You’re still telling a narrative and if you go rogue then everyone will know it. 

So let’s start back with season 1. Probably the most classic of the show. I started by, of course, watching the pilot. Instead of reshooting the first episode, Hannibal decides to go straight from it’s pilot to the show. Which in and of itself isn’t a problem, except there are quite a few inconsistencies that just aren’t addressed. Will’s classroom and the design of Hannbal’s office are notable examples. Also, they flat out say Will has Asperger's which the show ultimately sweeps under the rug for whatever reason. The story plays out pretty cleanly in season 1. Now, I wanted to quit watching after the first few episodes because it was too high art.  The imagery didn’t make much sense and this wasn’t really my type of show. Seeing Will fall for Hannibal’s tricks and getting placed in jail in season 2 really started to peak my interest and I proclaimed that it finally had my attention. Unfortunately, half way through season 2, Will is released from jail and the show completely spins wildly out of control from that point on. After Will works with another serial killer to get Hannibal killed while in jail, he is suddenly befriending Hannibal once he gets out. We learn that he has a big plan to try to ensnare Hannibal, but it all feels empty and even as a viewer, I simply know that it is just a shit plan. All reason goes out the window as the show tries to tell me that careful Hannibal who tortured Will and put him in jail through season 1 and most of 2 is now just spilling his guts to his protégé. Also, the show wants me to believe that Will is considering running away with big H because he is just as enamored, as if I didn’t see this man struggle with every fiber of his tortured soul to not become Garrett Jacob Hobbs. 

All of this leads up to the blood match of the century at Hannibal’s house where the plan, duh, goes awry. This is where the worst season of all, season 3, certified fresh 98% on Rotten Tomatoes comes in like a flaming pile of garbage on a train. We whisk away to Europe and don’t give a fuck about following up on all our bloodied main characters we’ve grown to care about in two seasons. Suddenly the few ‘smart’ characters who speak in riddles multiplies to the point where not a single character isn’t speaking in code when talking to one another. Alana even gets this fucking insane line where she says bone marrow got in her blood stream so now she thinks differently. It’s insane. The only saving grace is Jack and that’s only because he’s the only consistent character throughout the show. He has a clean narrative and understandable motives. He’s the only character the script didn’t treat like an amorphous blob that changes on it’s whim as if it were Zeus having a bad hair day. After Hannibal is captured, the show dips down to a slow descent to it’s ending. It once again tries to make me question Will’s loyalty while simultaneously giving me no plot to support any major changes and just telling me that he’s changed right before he does. It’s totally asinine. I had pretty much shut completely down by the last 3 episodes. I think it’s borderline hilarious that the show honestly wants me to think that baiting the Dragon with Hannibal is the ONLY viable option to catch him. They don’t even consider any other possibilities. It’s just lazy. Let the whole show go over the cliff for all I care.

And all of this isn’t even getting in to how atrociously this show treats women. Alana Bloom starts as being the only person in Will’s corner who they force to be his love interest in one of the most un-sexually charged scenarios I’ve ever seen. They then, completely against character, make her Hannibal’s love interest for what I thought was an alibi, but I guess was genuine and again, not set up in the slightest. As previously mentioned, she does a 180 due to some bone marrow and is then a lesbian for another grotesque sex sequence that they just seem to love making her star in for pseudo prime time pornography. I mean, I guess I’m happy she ends up married with a kid? Beverly Katz is separated and pinned up like a museum display because she just happened to be smart. Every character hates Freddie Lounds and the show obviously wants you to hate her too, but when you think about it, why? What has she done other than be a strong independent woman who is chasing a career in the gruesome and trying to tell what she believes is the truth when other’s sweep the severity under the rug. The show hates her so much that if you start to break it down and remove her character from the show, the plot literally doesn’t change. She exists to be a punching bag. The only saving grace about Bella is the fact that her passing doesn’t push Jack’s story along at all, but her choice of passing was not only taken away by a man, it was then decided on a date not of her choosing by another. She has not a single bit of autonomy, even while being presented as a strong woman. Abigail Hobbs seems interesting enough, but in reality she’s nothing more than a way for Will and Hannibal to process their emotions and surrogate dad feelings onto. She is then “killed” off and, surprise, brought back only to be killed off again, only to BE BROUGHT BACK to find out she was a dead figment of Will’s fucked up imagination. Margot Verger is one of the most appalling examples of how this show treats women in the fact that she is not only sexually and physically abused, but she is also sterilized. Then, in season 2, when you think she finally can exact her revenge on her brother since he is rendered invalid, you find in season 3 that she did none of that, continued to let him torture her until someone else come’s down like a savior angel, Hannibal, and gives her the way she absolutely could have done herself to give her an out. The show literally wants me to believe that both Margot and Alana could not have considered the path to freedom without Hannibal’s help. They want you to believe these are not capable women because the show doesn’t believe women are. Unless it’s plot necessary, but only for that long. Du Maurier was smart enough to leave before Hannibal went to kill her in season 2, but for some reason in season 3 she comes back willingly to let him take her and torture her. Then she, I GUESS, cooks her leg up for him to visit as one of the final scenes of the show!?!!? Chiyoh was locked up for 20 years, supposedly, because she couldn’t leave behind the man who killed Hannibal’s sister, and when she is finally free, her whole character revolves around her being a good shot and wanting to help Hannibal because ??????? It makes absolutely no sense. Then, season 3 went ahead and went we need a woman who is blind to the fact that her partner is a serial killer, might as well make her blind for real. It’s repulsive, disgusting, and I don’t know why anyone enjoys this drivel. 

Verdict: 

P.S. my favorite character is Chilton. He’s one of the two consistent characters (hey, Jack!) and the fact that he just keeps getting brutally mutilated,  but can’t stay away from serial killers is downright pathological. He also shined so brightly in the scene just before he gets shot through the mouth in the interrogation room. I never would have guessed I’d be rooting for him. I was actually worried when the Dragon caught him, but there’s no squashing that cockroach of a man! 

[queer-cat-policy]

Hi! I’m Ace!

Hi, I am ace. Not like the ace of spades but rather ace as in the slang for Asexual. And here I am, telling you, a stranger this. Not just a stranger but many. Writing essays, countless posts, and telling the world as kindly as possible about how I exist is pretty exhausting. But it is more exhausting being invisible. So now I join a movement, an invisible one fighting for visibility, so that maybe, just maybe, we find others like us.

I like to be fully disclosed, I will give you the definition of asexuality but the rest of it is all me. You cannot apply this article to learn about your friends. Maybe, if they are anything like me, you gain some insight, but the reality is, I write this in hopes that someone reading it will feel a little less alone in the world. Maybe this helps you understand that you are not abnormal, instead you are a human being first and foremost and deserve empathy like one. So, what I am saying is, do not take this article as the be all of asexuality. If you have an asexual friend in your life, you should ask them the questions you have with the intention of strengthening your relationship and becoming informed on a topic you previously were not informed about. And if you are asexual and my experiences don’t resonate with you, I encourage you to seek the rest of the community and know you are valid and you are not alone.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality by itself at its most basic, universal definition, is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. And that’s it. The rest is a spectrum. There are many different types of asexual people, every single one has different experiences and feelings of attraction or may not even feel attraction at all. So we call this a spectrum and some parts of the spectrum have different titles. I think most people have no idea that attraction outside sexual attraction exists, meaning they didn’t know there are other names for attraction. Someone who identifies as asexual but is still attracted to people can feel aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, social attraction… and the list goes on.

There is something called the A-spectrum which isn’t just asexuality but aromantic, demi romantic, gray romantic, demi sexual, and gray sexual. Demi means that that attraction does not occur until an emotional bond is formed, gray means someone who has limited experiences with that attraction.

What Makes Me Asexual?

Asexuality means something different for every single person who identifies under it and because I can’t name really every type of asexual person out there, I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.

I am asexual because I feel no sexual attraction to anyone. I, in particular, do not want sex and am quite repulsed at the idea of it. I don’t enjoy the sex obsessed culture either and tend not to partake in it. I do however find people attractive for several reasons, it is usually an individual thing. I emotionally bond with people before I feel anything towards them for one. The attraction from there can be emotional or aesthetic. I know what type of personalities I draw in and enjoy interacting with too. I date and have been in about three relationships in my life but only one was long term.

Romantically, I don’t tend to identify. I say this because things change from person to person (as in depending on the individual I am attracted to). I will usually umbrella myself following the explanation of my asexual identity, stating that I am queer alongside being asexual or if I’m not comfortable talking about my asexuality, I leave it at queer. I say queer because I am attracted to different people for different reasons and sometimes gender isn’t necessarily a discriminating factor. I have mostly emotionally bonded with men in the past, but I find women physically and aesthetically attractive. Additionally, I am not exclusively attracted to men or women, I also can be attracted to transgender and non-binary people.

Is Asexuality in LGBT?

The Asexual community gets a lot of ping pong discussion about rather or not we are apart of the LBGTQIA+ Community. Some people believe that if you are just asexual and hetero-romantic and cis… then you should not be identifying as part of the LGBTQIA+ Community. I won’t get to deep into it, but the truth is, the A is for the asexual spectrum, not just the queer asexual folks. And we too have struggles, some much like the rest of the community and some very different. To leave out asexual people is aphobic in my personal opinion and a gatekeeping tactic. I one time read someone who was upset that the community had become like “the island of misfit toys.” I won’t tell you what to believe about this, but I’ll definitely talk about this in later posts so if you’re interested in reading more about it, keep an eye out!

The Fears of Asexuals…

We live in a sex obsessed culture. Sex is literally everywhere. It is in music, TV, movies, school, social life, work, art, commercials, food----- This culture is absolutely thriving (this is not a good thing) off of the exploitation of sexuality. Especially of women. If you can’t understand the problem with this, imagine hating the super bowl around Thanksgiving or Christmas at… well Christmas, when every store, elevator, billboard, TV series, and artist is throwing Christmas in your face. Except for asexual people, this is our life everyday we wake up and live in the world. Every. Day.

Because everyone around us is so obsessed with sex, asexual people can feel overwhelmingly alone. And for those seeking a significant other, that is a legitimate fear. Everyone else around us in relationships all require the one thing we will not give: Sex. You’ll never guess the number of times I get unmatched on dating apps after someone asks me what asexual means or after the first time I mention it outside my profile… because I guess if I don’t say anything than all the flags on my profile that include my sexual identity can be potentially false?

Asexual people, because many of us are very uncultured in sexual cues and such, are also at risk of being sexually abused and assaulted. Asexual people have gotten into situations where they are legitimately sexually attacked either because they have rejected someone or someone tries to change them by forcing themselves on them, or because they miss cues. Remember though if you have been sexually assaulted it is not your fault. There is no “what if I did this differently.” We are trained currently to be blameful of ourselves in sexual assault situations. But the fact is, if you did not consent to it- if there was no clear/in the right mind consent to it- it should not have happened and there is absolutely no excuse on the attacker’s part that should change that verdict.

Another part to being in a sex obsessed culture is just the sheer disbelief that people exist that do not want it. Rather it is for the intimacy or instincts, it will truly awestruck people of all kinds to the point they may tell us that we are not real. Not valid. Every asexual person has heard “you haven’t found the right person,” “How do you know if you’ve never had it,” “you can’t be asexual, you have a significant other,” “Love can’t really exist without sex,” “you’re just scared.” And we think about these things like ‘what if,’ and let other people’s invalidation of our identities invalidate ourselves.

Asexual Relationships?

It is a common misconception that asexual people do not date or do not have these kinds of intimate relationships. It is true that some people who identify as asexual also identify as aromatic or choose not to date or seek intimate relationships, but this does not describe the entire asexual community. Some asexual people will only date other asexual people, some do not. Asexual people in non-asexual relationships may come to a compromise in that relationship or vice versa. But it is incredibly important to remember that what matters most is that both parties are being satisfied. That may mean we discover that this partner is not the one. The needs need to be met on both sides.

As previously mentioned, there are a lot of people who think love must come with sex. You are more likely to come across someone with that mindset on the street than not. I personally try to meet people via online dating, and I would not say I have been 100% successful or unsuccessful. I have made several friends, I have had a boyfriend, I have done a lot of dating, I’ve also been unmatched as soon as they realize I am not wanting to sleep with them. That can be extremely… demeaning. And bad for self-esteem. I wrote something a little about how it feels to be consistently rejected for being asexual. I get rejected sometimes before people even know what asexual is. They know it is something from the LGBTQIA+ Community, it’s not straight, it’s not normal. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t want to be with someone like that but it feels like there are more people like that than not and there is no cure for the overwhelming fear that I will end up alone. It also creates an uncertain anxiety when I do not know why I may have been rejected. My brain defaults to “it’s because I’m asexual” and I go through the same devastation I would if I knew for sure it’s because I am asexual.

On the other side are the people who decide to date an asexual with the intention of being the one to “fix us.” Or they think it will change- because ultimately, they don’t believe in asexuality. Or they think it is personal, like instead of me being repulsed by sex I am repulsed by the person. For me, since I am not a very physically affectionate person (even when I am that comfortable with someone, it is very limited), that’s more common than I ever thought possible. That kind of says something about our society more than the individual, in my personal opinion. It says that our society as values our sexuality (especially as women) more than other parts of our personality.

Something I will include in here, friendships. A lot of my friends do not know how to talk about my sexuality. They don’t know what it is, it makes them uncomfortable, they think they have to give me the sex ed run down, or they think I have to be in PG settings all the time to be comfortable. No, I don’t necessarily want to hear in detail about your sex life but if there’s something you want to tell me, I’m not a fragile flower you have to protect. Friends also may constantly bring up my sexuality in an environment where it may not be comfortable. My friends have sometimes flaunted it like a golden ticket, like a token queer friend. I have to tell them to stop and if they don’t, I have to reconsider our friendship. Our sexual orientations are personal, no matter how out and forward we are, it belongs to us, to you. Coming out belongs to you and it is never insignificant enough to deserve to happen against your own free will.

Dear Ace Community Let’s Communicate!

The last thing I want to add here is just a suggestion for the asexual community. I see a lot of people who post about the exhaustion that comes with having to constantly re-explain ourselves to partners, friends, people of interest… Stop being exhausted. Do not tell them to google it. Someone is trying to understand you, googling is not understanding you. Take it as a compliment and be ready to explain and advocate for yourself and our community. Communication is so important. Google does not tell that person who you are, especially because we are on such a wide spectrum. I advise strongly against it. And probably, when you have to have that conversation, don’t have it over text. At least for me, I say so many more meaningful things when it’s face to face or over the phone at the very least versus over text message. I’m not just being a parrot of information from what I know the internet has told me, I’m telling that person about myself and what it means for me to be asexual. Communicate what it means for you to be asexual.

If you have an asexual friend, don’t be afraid of them. Know that you can’t change who they are, they don’t want you to try, you can’t “fix them.” If you don’t understand them, ask questions and don’t be critical.

Thank you so much for reading! If you have any question, reach out on my tumblr or contact page!

[cherryeol04]

The Firsts

Summary: No one ever told him that living was going to be so difficult. That there would emotions get couldn’t label and distinguish. He’s just a young boy trying to navigate through life and its unexpected ups and downs.

Genre: Humor, Fluff, smut(?)

Pairings: Oc x Felix, Oc x Changbin, Changbin x Oc x Felix

Warnings: poly relationship, angst in some part, excessive fighting about the MCU.

Parts: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17

A/N: This story has a theme of Firsts. First love, first kiss and many other firsts. Each part can be read on their own and are meant to stand as oneshots. It’s basically a collection of oneshots (little snapshots into my Oc’s life. 😁)

Aiden eyed Changbin hard as the other fiddled with his laptop. The two boys sat in Changbin’s room on a particularly hot summer afternoon. It was the kind of hot that the simple thought of breathing exhausted them, which wouldn’t have been a bad thing had they been at Aiden’s house. His mother always insisted on running the air conditioning during the summertime to keep everyone sane - he sadly couldn’t say the same thing for Changbin’s mom, who insisted they just open the window and let the fresh air in. 

They had toyed with the idea of going somewhere to escape the heat, but anytime either of them thought about walking outside in the sweltering heat they decided against the idea. That’s when Changbin got an oh so great idea, one that Aiden was questioning the sanity of. “How do you even know what sites to go to? Did you like, google it?” He asked, eyes locked on the screen as Changbin pulled up a porn site. Images of naked men and women danced on the screen - most advertisements but the middle portion was dedicated strictly for the videos uploaded to the site. Aiden honestly wasn’t sure if he was turned on or repulsed by some of the lewd positions these men and women were in. 

“Yeah.” Changbin answered, startling Aiden out of his internal debate of if he was going to throw up or not at the site of a woman spread eagle in the thumbnail of a video while Changbin scrolled through. “Haven’t you watched porn before?” 

“I’m a good Christian boy.” Aiden huffed with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t partake in them sins of the flesh.” The forced exhale of laughter from Changbin had Aiden pouting. 

“Right. This coming from the guy who is making it a habit of waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me about his sexual dreams with Felix. Yeah, good Christian boy my ass.” He retorted and sighed. 

“Shut up! Okay listen, I’ve never thought of doing that okay?” Aiden whined, cheeks flushing with embarrassment because really, he felt like he was a weird kid. He was sure there were plenty of young men who spent their time watching porn and getting off. It was natural, or at least he assumed. 

“Wait.” Changbin shifted beside Aiden on his spot on the bed, eyes staring intently at him and Aiden actually shivered under the gaze - eyes adverting away. “So how do you know you’re gay?” He asked. It was a stupid question, but Aiden would be lying if he said he hadn’t questioned himself about that before. He had researched “how do you know if you’re gay” with safe search on. Maybe that’s what has kept him from seeing porn until now. 

“I mean, I like Felix and I have dreams about him. Doesn’t that make me gay?” Aiden asked confused, though he still refused to look at Changbin. 

“Yeah, but have you ever touched a dick before?” Changbin grunted when Aiden smacked his arm, their eyes locking once more as Aiden frowned.  “I’ve never seen porn before, but I know how to  jack off, idiot.” 

“Yeah, but have you touched someone else’s dick before?” The question had Aiden falling silent as he contemplated if it really mattered if he had touched another guy’s dick or not. Weren’t they all the same? Wasn’t it all the same? Was jacking off not considered a sign of knowing if he was gay?

“No?” He hadn’t meant to sound so unsure because the answer was a definitive no, he had touched no other dicks but his own. And yet he couldn’t help but feel shy and embarrassed for having that answer, a similar feeling he got when he was called to answer a question in class and was wrong. “Have you?”

“No. But I’m not the gay one.” Changbin shot back and Aiden groaned, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. He looked towards the screen again and sighed. “So you’ve never watched porn and never touched another dick? Wow, you’re just an unconfirmed gay virgin.” Changbin teaser, a light laugh leaving him, but when Aiden didn’t laugh with him and avoided eye contact, he stopped and his smile fell. 

“Aiden? Hey, you know it’s okay right? I’m just teasing.”

“I know!” Aiden said quickly, but his insides were swimming with such a mixture of emotions that he wasn’t entirely sure what he felt most, embarrassment, self-pity, arousal even? It was very confusing for him. He jerked when he felt a hand touching his shoulder and he shyly lifted his gaze to meet Changbin’s. 

“Do you wanna, touch mine?” 

The question had Aiden sputtering in shock, eyes wide and cheeks now a darker shade of red than it had been before. “Do what? No! That would be so weird!” He exclaimed. “We’re like best friends.”

“Yeah, and best friends help each other out.” Changbin shrugged. “You know, gotta make sure you’re actually gay before your embarrass yourself in front of Felix.”  Aiden whined at that, but Changbin had a point. It couldn’t hurt, right? After all, Changbin was offering. 

“You’re sure it’s okay?” 

“Yeah, let me just find something that’ll get you off and -“

“What about you? I thought you weren’t gay?” Aiden questioned. 

“Hmmm.” Changbin hummed in thought. “I’m an equal opportunistic person. It’s fine.” He waved his hand at Aiden, his other hand gliding across the trackpad of the laptop to find the ‘gay’ section of the website. He scrolled for a bit after finding it and ended up choosing a video that looked pretty amateurish but the two guys were pretty young and twinkish. Given Aiden’s current crush, he figured these guys would be his type. 

Aiden wasn’t entirely too sure about this half baked plan, yet there was something exciting about it. He wasn’t sure what it was, but the idea of actually touching another dick was appealing if the surge of arousal that ran down his spine was anything to go by. Sitting back against the headboard, his eyes stared at the video that was slowly buffering while Changbin fought to close the six pop-ups about meeting hot singles in their area. 

Grumbling to himself, Changbin finally got the pop-ups closed and the video began playing - volume set low though he swore it was extremely loud. Perhaps it was because they were trying to watch porn in the middle of the day, and Changbin’s mother was out in the backyard tending to her garden. It was risky but thrilling and that alone had him half hard. But he was still hesitant, not sure if he should just whip his dick out now and start touching it. While he wasn’t a stranger to touching himself, it was different when someone else was in the room with him - almost embarrassing. 

Changbin settled next to him, his hand rested on his abdomen and looking so very comfortable and not at all fazed by this situation.  Aiden almost envied how calm and collected he seemed to be and decided that maybe he would just imitate the other; settling himself in the same position as Changbin, eyes moving to focus back on the laptop where the lewd, slurping sounds were spilling from. 

Five minutes or maybe it was 3 hours - Aiden couldn’t be sure - passed, and the video only seemed like it was halfway done. The two men had only recently just started fucking and by now Aiden knew of two different positions you could have sex in. He was learning a lot, but at some point, he had stopped analyzing and started feeling. Feeling how hard he was, how heady the moans from the strangers on the screen sent weird yet pleasant sparks of white-hot something through him. It was a sensation he hadn’t experienced before but he liked it, he liked it a lot. His hand slowly slipped from its resting place on his stomach and casually slid down to the front of his sweats - tented from his straining erection, a small wet spot forming. 

His pinkie was the first to graze it, touch light and airy. He inhaled harshly because fuck if that didn’t feel good. His cock twitched, throbbed and Aiden wanted nothing more than to wrap his hand around it and start stroking. But he stopped himself, unsure if he should because Changbin was still there. And even though he offered to let Aiden touch his dick, he hadn’t uttered a single word since the start of the video. Biting his lower lip, Aiden decided to take a quick peek at Changbin, eyes shifting to the other male and widening at the sight. 

“Hey! You said I could touch it.” He all but whined out, Changbin’s hand stilling over his hard member, head-turning to face him. His cheeks were flushed a bright red, lips parted as soft pants left them. 

“Sorry?” He muttered out breathlessly, a smirk playing across his lips. “You didn’t seem to be interested in doing much. You haven’t even touched yourself.” Changbin noticed and Aiden didn’t know what was hotter, how deep Changbin’s voice sounded when he was horny or the fact the other had actually been watching and waiting for him to start touching himself. Maybe both were equally hot? His cock seemed to think so as it gave another twitch at the thought, a reminder that it was still hard and needed attention. 

“Oh.” It was a pathetic response and Aiden lowered his head in slight shame. The laughter that Changbin let out only added to the shame and embarrassment that he felt and briefly he thought that maybe this was a mistake. He wasn’t given the chance to even suggest that maybe they should stop when he felt fingers close around his wrist with gentle pressure. The movement was hesitant, Changbin giving him the chance to pull his hand away. Aiden let his hand be guided, though, watching with a curious gaze and excitement building up inside him as his hand was placed over the straining erection of his best friend. It was instinct that his fingers curled and closed around it and Aiden marveled at the feeling. 

It was different. He couldn’t explain why or how, but feeling Changbin hot and heavy in his hand was so different than feeling himself in his hand. He really it. Aiden moved his hand, angle awkward as he did his best to stroke the other - going slow at first as he watched Changbin’s expression for confirmation of how he was feeling. His lips were parted, soft moans leaving him as his hand fell from Aiden’s wrist, letting the other do what he wanted. 

“I-Is this okay?” Soft, meek, Aiden would have been embarrassed for just how damn shy and unsure he sounded at that moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was more worried about making Changbin feel good.

“Harder.” Aiden’s hands faltered for a moment, brows furrowing at the words. He found Changbin’s hand resting over his, fingers pressing into Aiden’s to tighten his grip and - oh. “Fuck.”

Who would have figured such a simple word could cause such a burning desire to bubble up in Aiden’s chest, a moan tumbling from his lips. Shit, how embarrassing. Was he supposed to be getting off on the sounds of Changbin? Wasn’t that weird? There were so many questions racing through his mind, but he had to push them to the back and focus. Focus on the hot cock twitching in his hand, precum beading up at the slit. He thought about tasting it but decided against it. That would surely be too weird for friends to do. 

His hand worked over Changbin at a steady and even pace. On each upstroke, he would give a little squeeze just under the head, an action he found that Changbin seemed to like as his head fell back against the headboard with a loud thunk - more sinful moans falling filling the air. 

“Binnie,” he brought his bottom lip between his teeth once more as he watched the way Changbin’s back arched, hips jerking up into his hand, driving his cock faster into his fist. “Changbinnie~” he tried again, successfully getting the other’s attention this time.  Dark eyes clouded with lust locked with his and Aiden gasped sharply, lips pressing together to suppress a moan because fuck if that look wasn’t hot. 

“What is it?” Aiden stuttered, stumbling over his words as he tried to tell Changbin that he wanted to be touched too, but the words simply wouldn’t come out. The corner of Changbin’s lip curled upwards and Aiden pouted, whining in frustration. 

“Me too.” He sounded like a child, wanting to be included and Changbin could only chuckle as he shifted on the bed - weight resting more on his left side as he reached over and ghosted his fingers over Aiden’s crotch, pulling a loud gasp from the other. 

“I barely touched you.”

“Felt good anyway.” Aiden whispered, eyes closing and head-turning away from embarrassment. Changbin laughed lightly, head shaking at the comment. Aiden was truly something else. His hand cupped Aiden, fingers closing around him lightly, stroking slowly. Aiden’s hips jerked up at the touch, loud whimpers and moans leaving him. 

“Be quiet, don’t want my mom to hear.” Changbin scolded lightly, receiving a whine in protest, yet Aiden bit his bottom lip to try and stifle the noises that wanted to spill from him. The pleasure he felt was different. It was stronger, heightened and he could only imagine it was like that because someone else was touching him. It was exhilarating. 

“Binnie.” Aiden breathed, breath hitching as he jerked his hips up again, his cock sliding against the loose fist around his still covered cock. “Please.” He practically begged. Changbin grunted and tightened his grip, but his hand was slow - almost lazy - as he mimicked the pace Aiden had slowed to on his own dick. 

“This better?” 

“No.” It sounded almost like a growl, Aiden’s brows furrowed together in frustration because it certainly wasn’t better. Sure Changbin was stroking him but it wasn’t nearly as fast as Aiden wanted. It was like a small sizzle of fire just under his skin and he needed some winds to fan the flames and make him burn. 

“Maybe you should start moving your hand then.” Changbin quipped, smirk dancing on his lips as Aiden finally turned his head back and stared at Changbin. 

“You’re the worst.” He whispered with a pout and Changbin snorted. 

“Hey, I wanna get off too. So start stroking.” Aiden rolled his eyes, but his grip tightened around Changbin and he started stroking him once more. His mind was focused once more on how Changbin felt in his hand, and the lewd moans he was pulling from the other, so loud against his ear. And he was the one that supposed to be quiet? “Fuck, just like that.” Hot and heavy - breathless - the words were whispered, Changbin’s lips grazing against his ear as he shifted closer to him. The hand left him, and Aiden was close to sobbing and begging for more that it was actually humiliating. But he wanted it so badly. He needed Changbin’s hand on him. 

Thankfully, before any words could leave his lips, Changbin’s hand slipped under the hem of his sweatpants and underwear. The second skin met skin, Aiden could swear he saw heaven because fuck if that didn’t feel amazing. “Binnie.” Aiden whimpered pathetically, his voice nearly inaudible over the loud hiss Changbin let out as Aiden squeezed him just a little too hard. Panting harshly, Changbin gripped Aiden and stroked him quickly, chuckling as Aiden jerked and trembled under his touch. His thumb grazed over the head, smearing each bead of precum that bubbles up.

Aiden groaned as he lowered his head to rest on Changbin’s shoulder, eyes screwed shut as he basked in the pleasure the other was causing. Briefly, he released Changbin’s cock long enough to shift himself into a more comfortable position facing the other. Reaching back down, he grabbed Changbin again and started stroking him - mimicking the way Changbin’s fingers moved over his cock. His movements were quick and not nearly as clean as Changbin’s but it seemed to be enough. Breaths mixed and mingled, moans lingering in the silent room as the two boys worked to get each other off. 

It was embarrassing how quickly Aiden reached his end, the heat in his gut coiling tighter and tighter. “Changbin.” He breathed out, wiggling against the other to grip the other’s wrist with his free hand and failing. “Stop, gonna cum.” Even with the warning, Changbin didn’t seem to have any intention of stopping. It only seemed to spur him on more as he stroked his cock faster. He was twitching and leaking heavily in Changbin’s grasp. “Chang-“

“Cum.” The demand whispered so hotly in his ear had Aiden tensing, his body reacting on its own. Needy whines and choked gasps fell past parted lips as Aiden’s head fell back onto the pillows behind him as he came into Changbin’s hand. It was intense, an orgasm that Aiden didn’t think it was possible he could have. He certainly couldn’t get himself off this well. 

“Fuck, shit.” He gasped out, muscles slowly relaxing as the last wave of ecstasy washed over him. The soft hum from Changbin captured Aiden’s attention and he reminded of what he should have been doing. He started moving his still hand once more, finding the movement slicker and as he looked down he realized Changbin already came - his cock softening in his hand, so he released him. He was at a loss for words now, both of them quiet save for their pants as they rode down their highs. 

Silently, Changbin reached over Aiden and grabbed a few tissues from his bedside table. Cleaning up their messes took a bit of time and in the end, Aiden was sure there was probably some cum that got on the comforter. “So, have fun?” Changbin asked as he tossed the wads of tissues into the trash can.

“Yeah.” Aiden swallowed thickly, tongue swiping against his dry lips in an effort to revitalize them. “That was mind-blowing.” He said and laughed lightly. 

“You think that was mind-blowing? Wait till you actually have sex.” Changbin snorted as he settled back down in his bed, laptop long-forgotten near the end.  “You’ve had sex?” Aiden asked in shock, eyes wide. How could his best friend not tell him something that important?

“No, I’m just saying.” Changbin said quickly. “I hear it’s supposed to be really good.”

“Oh.” Aiden wasn’t at all convinced, but he would let it go for now. 

“So, can you say with 100% conviction that you’re gay?” Changbin asked, reminding Aiden of the whole point of them even jerking each other off. 

“Oh! Yeah.” He said, a goofy smile spreading over his lips. “Dicks are fucking amazing.”

“Are they now?” 

“Completely. I wonder if Felix has a nice dick?” Aiden contemplated, crying out when Changbin shoved him roughly off his bed. “Dude!”

“I just got you off and you’re talking about another man. Not in my bed!” 

Groaning, Aiden sat up and leaned against the side of the bed. He stuck his tongue out at Changbin, laughing. 

“Whatever. Wanna shower?” He asked and Changbin nodded. “Cool, but no butt stuff!” Aiden said as he climbed to his feet, grinning. 

“I swear to god, I’m going to drown you under the showerhead.” Changbin threatened halfheartedly, pulling another laugh from Aiden as the male walked naked from his room. 

“You know you love me!” 

Yeah, maybe he did.

[enby-hawke]

OC Facts With Lucky Hawke

I was tagged by @isalavhenan, thanks again for the tag. I love being able to rant about Hawke so thanks for letting me. 

PLACE IN SOCIETY

✖ FINANCIAL – wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

Hawke never knew hunger until he came to Kirkwall. His father ended up being conscripted into the Grey Wardens at the end of Leandra and Malcolm’s love affair. Though Malcolm could legally be a mage his children couldn’t and so moving around was necessary to avoid detection as well as for his job but because of the Grey Wardens the family was well taken care of. Because Malcolm was elven, even if they could afford better houses, they were usually forced to live out in the country where the laws aren’t as strict about those things. After Malcolm died, the budget was much tighter without a Grey Warden salary, but they at least had their family home in Lothering. When they lost it, the Hawke’s had to get used to hardship in Kirkwall. It wasn’t like Lothering where they could hunt freely for game in the Kocari wilds and forage from their garden when the month was tight. It was a year in poverty that Hawke was determined to dig himself out of, no matter what it took. Though even after his success with the Deep Roads and he had all the gold he’d need, it was still a difficulty to get his family’s estate in his name. For 3 years he would build connection and influence enough to get the court to recognize his claim as legal.  

✖ MEDICAL – fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged

From a young age, Carver, Bethany, and Lucky would recieve strict Grey Warden training as well as Malcolm’s mental training. Lucky is very fast and often casts haste on himself to move even faster. Though he is slight of build, he is strong even without his magic to enhance him and often doesn’t need his magic to win a fight.  

✖ CLASS OR CASTE – upper / lower / middle / working / unsure

With Leandra’s training in courtly etiquette and grace, the Hawke children often were able to charm guests with their manners and wit which helped make a better impression of their mixed race family. The tensions of race and class often came up with Hawke growing up and learning that sometimes passing as human didn’t always shield him from the realities of being elven especailly in school. Hawke was often hyperaware and dysphoric about his race, unsure how to navigate what it meant to be something in between. From a young age it was ingrained in him that he must assimilate into human culture because he’s human, even if other humans don’t exactly see it the same. Meeting Merrill, he found an ally in his struggle to identify with his other roots.

After the Deep Roads and his nobility officially recognized he enters upper class society but it is clear that the other nobles do not see him as equal, until he defeats the Arishok and becomes Champion. By then Hawke has become disillusioned by the upper class lifestyle and decides that the best course would be to become Viscount, if only to have a real chance at changing things in Kirkwall.  

✖ EDUCATION – qualified / unqualified / studying

Though Lucky had a loving home, it was often strict and full of studies of all sort which he resented. His mother would try to tutor him in the Game which is the only lesson he refused to learn because he never thought he’d need it. Malcolm was absent a lot due to his work, but when he was home, time was often spent teaching Lucky and Bethany magical training. He knows a lot of things from his forced education, and when he’s truly interested will sometimes lose focus trying to solve a magical problem. However he’s bad at articulating things at times and sometimes forgets to use his mind when he solves problems. 

FAMILY

✖ MARITAL STATUS – married, happily / married, unhappily / engaged  / partnered / divorced / widow or widower / separated / single / it’s complicated

✖ CHILDREN – has children / no children / wants children / adopted children

Hawke ends up having a Dalish wedding with Merrill, a Chantry wedding with Fenris, and Isabela and Hawke remained lovers. Merrill and Hawke have a daughter named Aerys. 

✖ FAMILY – close with siblings / not close with siblings / has no siblings / siblings are deceased / it’s complicated

✖ AFFILIATION – orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by both parents / it’s complicated

Hawke was closer to his father than his mother which was difficult because Malcolm wasn’t exactly accepting of Lucky’s trans identity. Since they were young they felt weird about their gender but weren’t very concious about their dysphoria until he started puberty. He discovered he was queer young and had to be in the closet about it because the family has strong Chantry beliefs. When they decided to magically transition, he asked for support with Bethany to help him transition at least while he was at school though he still had to ask for help from his father to master shapeshifting which he struggled with for a long time. Carver found out and though he thought it was a bad idea, he reluctantly supported Lucky too. This eventually culminated into Lucky getting found out by his parents which started a fight. To make a story short it gets ugly but eventually Leandra and then Malcolm come to terms with who Lucky is. When Lucky wanted a new name he asked his father to rename him, and his father renamed him “Lucky because I’m lucky to have you in my life.”   Neither of his parents encouraged interest in his elven heritage and so often he was told to pride himself in being and Amell and a Hawke. When Hawke took back his estate he renamed House Amell to House Hawke, partly as a fuck you to all the nobles that gave him a hard time and kept calling him “Lord Amell” but also because he knew he would never be an Amell. He would never be anything other than the person he fought to become.  

TRAITS & TENDENCIES

✖ disorganized / organised / in between

Organization is Lucky’s enemy. His organization is *stick this into a void and deal with it later*

✖ close-minded / open-minded / in between

Hawke can admit when he’s wrong. “I’m just not often.” He uses blood magic to augment his shapeshifting and other magic as well. He is super wary of Chantry folk and the templars, templars being obvious, but in the Chantry that’s where some of his most racist bullying came from. He’s a very chill person most of the time, but once he’s made a bad judgement of you it can be hard to change his mind. 

✖ cautious / reckless / in between

One of Hawke’s biggest weaknesses is his temper makes it hard to think before he acts. To save his family and friends he will dive headfirst into danger or use incredibly dangerous magic forgetting that he’s not invincible. 

✖ patient / impatient / in between

Hawke can’t be bored. Their short attention span leads them into trouble.

✖ outspoken / reserved / in between

Hawke has a hard time holding his tongue. Impulsively saying whatever comes to mind also gets him into trouble. 

✖ leader / follower / in between

Because Hawke is impatient he will sometimes take control if no one is stepping up. He doesn’t like the burden of leadership, though and doesn’t mind hearing other people’s opinions. He is also stubborn so while he won’t force anyone to follow him, he’s not afraid to break from the pack to get where he thinks he wants to go.

✖ sympathetic / unsympathetic / in between

Hawke is very empathetic and likes to make people to feel at ease around him. He often tries to joke to break tension which doesn’t always work. 

✖ optimistic / pessimistic / in between

Lucky has fits of despair that he attempts to bury with stubborn optimism. He doesn’t give up easily, though. He will endlessly look for a solution, though if he comes up to a wall that won’t budge, it will sometimes leave him spiraling.

✖ hardworking / lazy / in between

If Lucky is interested in the project he will work the hardest at it, giving it his utmost focus. If he’s not, it’s a struggle and he will procrastinate or give up.

✖ cultured / uncultured / in between

Hawke learned “culture” from Leandra. That doesn’t mean he will choose to use it. 

✖ loyal / disloyal / in between

Hawke is loyal almost to a fault. You mess with someone he loves, you might lose a tooth. His friend’s enemies are his enemies and he’s fiercly protective.

✖ faithful / unfaithful / in between

Hawke is poly but he is faithful. It just the boundaries are different in his relationships. 

SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION

✖ SEXUALITY – heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual / omnisexual / demisexual

✖ SEX – sex repulsed / sex neutral /sex favorable

Sex is one of Hawke’s vices so he does occasionally have casual safe sex with hot strangers, but more than sex he craves closeness and connection with people. 

✖ ROMANCE – romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable

Hawke would say his heart’s a slut. There are many people that make his heart thump. Hawke often struggled with the idea of finding “the one” because there were so many people he felt romantically connected to to the point where he thought something was wrong with him. 

✖ SEXUALLY – sexually adventurous / sex experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious / uninterested

Hawke is usually up for new experiences and often uses his shapeshifting and magic in the bedroom (with people he can trust)

ABILITIES

✖ COMBAT SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Though Hawke can easily kill with their blood magic they often use it to incapacitate, and wipe enemies minds. Killing makes the demons whisper louder so if he can avoid it he will.

✖ LITERACY SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Though Hawke is smart he struggled in school especailly reading. It took a lot of effort to get the grades his parents expected of him, on top of all the other training that was expected of him.

✖ ARTISTIC SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Lucky started writing poetry in his diary when he was young. Karaoke was something the family did a lot so Lucky started writing lyrics and eventually started making music on his computer. He still enjoys karaoke. 

✖ TECHNICAL SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

I looked it up and I either don’t understand this question or he has none lol

I  tag , @prplhawke​ @embajadora-montilyet​ @envy-kitty​ @antivan-surana​ @mahalzevran​ @red-wardens​ aaand whoever wants to do it tag me. No pressure if you don’t feel like it of course. 

[diarrheaworldstarhiphop]

Five years ago, while a student at Columbia, Sulkowicz lugged a dorm-issue, extra-long twin mattress around campus for as long as she had to attend school with her alleged rapist. This was Mattress Performance (Carry That Weight), a globally viral art piece that made visible the weight of campus sexual assault. It transformed Sulkowicz into an icon. Since then, her artworks have regularly roused the internet: a video of her reenacting her assault, a bondage performance at the Whitney that doubled as institutional critique. This past spring, she tweeted an image that was perhaps even more provocative: a photo of her grinning alongside two of her libertarian critics — not performance art, she insists, but a byproduct of her new curiosity about other views.

“All my clothes are in boxes,” she tells me, gesturing apologetically to her oversize charcoal hoodie. She’s in the midst of moving from a sublet owned by a tantra instructor (mirrors surrounding the bed to create an infinite regression — that kind of thing) to an apartment in lower Manhattan whose location she asks me not to reveal, since “there’s some really scary people who are obsessed with me.” Her hair is short-cropped and coffee black, its natural color after years of bright dyes, and her voice is buoyant, laughter always bubbling underneath. Since 2016, Sulkowicz has identified as gender fluid, and she sometimes uses they/them pronouns. When I ask what to use for this article, she texts me, “Lol I’m not clear about it either,” before settling on she/her.

During the summer of 2018, Sulkowicz tells me, she was single for the first time in years. Swiping through Tinder, a man she found “distasteful” super-liked her. “It smelled like Connecticut,” she says of his profile. “He was very blond, law school, cut jawline, trapezoidal body figure, tweed suit kind of vibe, but something inside of me made me swipe right, I don’t know.” They began messaging, and she found him witty. “He was actually way more fun to talk to than any other person I matched with.”

Eventually, Sulkowicz stalked him on Twitter and realized that he was conservative — “like, very conservative.” At first, she was repulsed and considered breaking it off. But then she thought, “Wait, actually, that’s kind of fucked up because he’s the most interesting person I’ve come across, shouldn’t I be open to talking to him?” After dispelling her initial fear, she texted him that it would be “interesting (progressive? Powerful?) for two people who might be the antithesis of each other to go on a Tinder date.”

Ahead of this date, they traded reading assignments: Sulkowicz gave him the password to protected areas of her website, and he sent pieces he’d written for conservative magazines, which she printed, annotated with her critiques, and brought to their date. This man expected Sulkowicz to be “the patron saint of wokeness,” but when he met her, he found that she wasn’t actually trying to litigate the issues — she was mostly just “curious about this different perspective that she had not been as familiar with.” The two “sort of dated” for a while and then realized that their chemistry was more conversational. They became “amazing friends.”

Not having known conservatives before, Sulkowicz had to play catch up. Early in their friendship, she asked him to recommend one book to help her understand him, and he picked Jonathan Haidt’s The Righteous Mind. It’s a book that explains, in evolutionary terms, the human tendency toward political tribalism and the importance, in light of that, of learning from one another’s beliefs. She calls the book “mind-opening.” Its resonance with her new friendship did not escape her.

Shortly after, Sulkowicz attended a book talk of Haidt’s. This was for The Coddling of the American Mind, which diagnoses the campus left with the kinds of cognitive distortions that addle the chronically anxious and depressed: a tendency to blow everyday problems out of proportion, or to believe that one’s negative feelings reflect reality. This book kicked a hornet’s nest on the left, and when Haidt learned that Sulkowicz was at his talk, he didn’t assume she was a fan. “I expected her to be the sort of person who sometimes asks the angry question when I give lectures on campuses,” Haidt tells me. “And when I first saw her and she had blue hair, that fed my assumptions and expectations about what her views and values would be.” But Sulkowicz surprised him. “It changed the way I think about politics,” she said about The Righteous Mind, “and I wanted to thank you for it.” The two became friends.

Soon, she began attending house parties and happy hours with conservative and libertarian intellectuals, reading Jordan Peterson and articles from the National Review. In the past, Sulkowicz dismissed opposing views without understanding them, but now she sees intellectual curiosity as intertwined with respect: she wants to disagree with people on their own terms. This is an ethical position, but one with personal resonance. “I’ve always been upset,” she admits, “that there are people out there who assume that I’m a bad or mean person without ever having met me.” When she describes her political journey, she fixates on the experience of surprising people, of walking into a group who might otherwise dislike her and “disrupting their expectations.” At these parties, she reflects, “I can become fuller to certain people rather than staying the same caricature. I’m going from flat to round.”

- - -

A couple weeks after our lunch, Sulkowicz brings me to a book party at a dark bar on Bleecker Street. Here, she introduces me to her friend from Tinder, who asks that I not use his real name for this article. (It might be a distraction at his white-shoe law firm and, besides, “Emma is inured to online hate, but I am not.”) When he asks if he can choose his own pseudonym, I tell him sure. He picks Chad. It’s a reference to the incel term for men who, due to serendipitous genetics, are attractive enough to have oodles of sex. All of us laugh, but Sulkowicz laughs loudest, her voice tinkling, bell-like, and leaping between octaves.

Chad is a Chad, by the way, and he does “smell like Connecticut”: he has cornsilk hair, a shieldlike chest, and a jawline that an incel might show his surgeon for inspiration. But Chad is also a different kind of conservative than I imagined. Rather than a bowtie-sporting William F. Buckley type thumbing his nose at populism, he finds Reaganism laughably passé and aligns himself with Tucker Carlson’s anti-elite drive to regulate markets. He says that he would support some of Trump’s policy agenda, if only the president were competent enough to achieve it.

This party is for Robby Soave, a libertarian reporter on the snowflake beat whose new book, Panic Attack: Young Radicals in the Age of Trump, is — per Soave’s own description — “a book that is extremely critical of [Sulkowicz] and that I don’t wish her to read.” Soave met Sulkowicz a month or so before at another libertarian happy hour. Initially bewildered, he warmed to her, finding her to be inquisitive and even fun to talk to. “We exchanged contact information,” he tells me later, “and talked about maybe becoming, I guess, friends or something?” He laughs incredulously as he says this, sounding a bit on edge.

As Sulkowicz swirls around the party, her presence stirs an obvious question: whether this is performance art. Soave brings it up twice when we speak on the phone afterward, acknowledging the possibility that he’s being set up. While he’s inclined to believe that Sulkowicz is moved by earnest curiosity, he’s aware of her background in “elaborately planned performance art” and her reputation as a provocateur. Since graduating from Columbia in 2015, Sulkowicz has done around a dozen performances touching on issues like consent, anti-institutionalism, climate change, trauma, wellness, and female sexual desire. It’s natural to wonder if she’s currently breaking bread with this crowd to lampoon civility politics or to expose views she hates. Honestly, it might be harder to believe that she’s simply trying to learn.

But Sulkowicz is adamant that this isn’t performance. In fact, she insists that she’s quitting art altogether. After one of our lunches, she bikes off to return the keys to her studio, which she’s emptied and swept clean. “For many years,” she explains, “I wasn’t interested in listening to other points of view. I was very emotional and making performance-art pieces that were very reactionary and fiery.” Without disowning them, she describes these artworks as something she “got out of her system.”

Having found the art world humorless, narrow-minded, and grotesquely competitive, Sulkowicz says she stopped making art about a year ago. She quit a fellowship at a museum, ceased teaching art classes, and was essentially unemployed for a time, drawing income from occasional speaking gigs, mostly about campus sexual assault. (Her remarks on Me Too have been fewer; she supports it, but wants a clearer path to forgiveness.) She has been working on a memoir that draws on her diaries from Mattress Performance, and last month, she started a full-time, four-year master’s program in traditional Chinese medicine. There, she’ll learn skills from acupuncture to herbalism, which have been her “personal healing modality” for years. Sulkowicz has parried assumptions that this is performance art, too. It grates on her. “I’m a human and humans can change,” she says, insistently. “I’m telling you that I don’t want to make art anymore.”

But in some ways, it’s easier to assume that Sulkowicz’s political posture is performance art: this provides a clear motive, one that’s politically straightforward. If Sulkowicz is not making art, then it’s much harder to grasp why she’s doing this and what it means. Part of the confusion, Sulkowicz assumes, springs from a pervasive misunderstanding about who she is, rooted in the dissonance between her public image and private consciousness. While many assume she’s at Soave’s book party for some admixture of art and progressive politics, Sulkowicz says she’s mostly there for fun.

[5typesoftrash]

First Time for Pride

This is a special prideshot - Sastiel with pan!Sammy for my beautiful pansexual Momma @thorki-and-other-obsessions!!! I love you sweetheart, you’re amazing! It went a little off the rails, but w/e

==

“Did you see those signs outside?” Sam asks excitedly on June 28th, 2021.

They’re sitting in a diner, eating diner food, drinking garbage, just the three of them. Team Free Will, the OG version. Last year at this time, everyone was staying inside, obligated by law not to leave their houses except for groceries, exercise, or their jobs, and the jobs were conditional; only essential workers could continue to actually work. The economy totally tanked, and we’re still rebuilding.

Sam seems too excited about this. His grin is infectious; it gets Cas right away, but Dean?

Dean’s heart sinks into his stomach.

He saw the signs, alright. Signs for a pride parade. For gay people.

“No,” he lies. Sam looks at Cas.

“Yes,” Cas says happily. “Can we go?”

Sam looks at Dean again, this time throwing on the puppy-dog eyes. Dean bites his bottom lip.

“I guess,” he whispers. Sam and Cas both cheer.

~~

They make their way through a crowd of people, joining the flow. There are vendors everywhere, and Dean picks up a soft pretzel and mustard sauce from one. Sam is grinning at Cas, holding his upper arm right below his armpit, pointing at something Dean can’t see and whispering something Dean can’t make out. It makes Cas light up, though, and then they’re walking away from him.

Dean hurries to catch up and spills mustard on himself.

It turns out they were looking at a face-painting stand. Sam indicates the chair but Cas shakes his head and insists that Sam go first. Sam shrugs and sits down, simply says “pan” and the woman holding the paintbrush smiles. Dean has no idea why Sam is getting cookware painted on his face, but Sam seems excited, and Dean is, admittedly, intrigued. He looks on with interest and when Sam hops up with his full face painted pink, yellow, and blue, Dean just stares.

“It’s the pan flag,” he explains, like that’ll clear everything up. Dean just shrugs.

“Cool. And what’s that mean, exactly?”

Sam shrugs. “Means I like everyone. People are people are people. And people are hot.”

Dean stares at him. “And that’s it?”

“Mm hmm,” Sam replies.

“And you’ve known?”

“Mm hmm.”

“How long?”

Sam shrugs. “Fifteen years? Twenty? I don’t remember anymore.”

Dean gapes. “And you never told me?”

Sam looks at him with disappointment. “Would you have listened?” he counters. “Or would you have brushed it off and told me to get laid? By an assigned female person?”

Dean opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. Sam purses his lips. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

He turns back to where Cas is getting his face painted. Dean follows his gaze in silence.

Cas’s isn’t a full-face thing; his is a bunch of littler flags. One in dark gray, light gray, and white with a single green stripe in the middle. One that’s black, gray, white, purple, and one with a black triangle on the left side, white on the top, gray on the bottom, and green in the middle.

“What do yours mean?” Dean asks softly. Cas smiles.

“This one,” he says, pointing to the gray-and-green one, “is the agender flag. It means I do not experience gender in the way that most humans do. More exactly, I experience no gender whatsoever, inasmuch as I am a cosmic being not tethered permanently to a body, nor am I married to the concept of gender on the whole. I am perfectly fine with any and all pronouns a person may ascribe to me, although most often I use he and him being, as you may have noticed, in a male vessel.”

He points next to the purple one. “This is the asexual flag. It means that I do not experience sexual attraction to others, although I am not sex-repulsed and would – and have – had sexual relations with partners if it was something that they themselves were interested in. However, I do find myself preferring to please my partner rather than experience it myself.”

Dean makes a face. He didn’t really want to hear any of that about his best friend’s sex life.

Cas finally points to the triangle one. “This one is the demiromantic flag. It means that I only experience romantic attraction to people after a strong platonic bond has been formed with them. For example, Sam.”

Dean blinks. “Sam?” he repeats. He turns to his brother. “Sam?” Sam is flushed and staring at the ground. “Sam?” Dean says a third time, more insistently.

“It’s not a big deal, Dean,” Sam mumbles. “We’re just kind of messing around.”

Dean glances at Cas, who looks hurt. “Sammy,” he whispers kindly. “I don’t think Cas agrees. So either you’re lying to me or you and Cas need to have a conversation about the boundaries and expectations in your relationship.” Sam looks at him like what the fuck. Dean shrugs. “I do listen when you talk some of the time,” he defends himself.

Sam sighs. “Yeah, I was lying, Cas and I are serious.”

“How serious?” Dean asks guardedly. “Like… like, wedding rings and love confessions serious?”

“Half of that,” Sam admits.

Dean fully turns away from them and ends up spinning in a complete 360. “Sammy, I’m really sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk about your sexuality or your relationship with me. I- I love you, man, I swear. And I do support you however you are whoever you choose to be with.”

Sam smiles weakly. “Thanks, Dean,” he whispers.

Dean glances at the sign and points at something at random. “Can I get that on my cheek?”

Sam lights up and the woman smiles at him kindly, gesturing to the chair. Dean sits down and holds patiently still as she paints a small pink, purple, and blue flag on his face.

“Which one is this?” Dean asks as they walk away. Sam has his arm around Cas’s shoulders and Cas’s arm around his waist, and they’re both grinning at him like idiots.

“That’s the bi flag, Dean,” Cas says gently.

“It means—”

“I know what it means,” Dean cuts Sam off. “I know my Greek and Latin roots, I finished seventh grade.”

He flushes slightly, but as they continue off together, thinks, both genders. Maybe.

Just maybe.

[ladyofpurple]

answer all of the questions!!

holy SHIT ok bless you omg

(sorry it's a full day late i took this shit SERIOUSLY. don't ask me how many hours this took, i was in A Mood™️ last night. removed the ones already answered xoxo)

angel; have you ever been in love?

yeah. didn't end too well, but i loved him.

petal; favorite novel and author?

this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. i guess favorite author would be stephen king, if only based entirely on the sheer quantity of his books i own alone. favorite book would probably be special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl, and i'm only saying that because it's been my go-to response for years. i have lots of favorite books. ask me again in five minutes and i'll give you another one.

honey perfume; favorite perfume/scent?

freshly made coffee. lilacs. jasmine. cut grass. the ground after it rains. chocolate chip cookies in the oven. cigarette smoke on skin. my mom's shampoo. my grandma. my dog when he's just had a bath. thanksgiving dinner. acrylic paint on canvas. sawdust. that one cologne i can't name but can smell on a guy from a mile away. mulled cranberry and apple juice. vanilla. coconut. fresh laundry. peppermint.

sweet pea; what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising ✨

softie; talk about your sexuality.

i'm biromantic asexual, primarily attracted to men more than women (but have had too many crushes on girls to consider myself het), generally sex repulsed when it comes to the thought of having it myself. i prefer to call myself queer in passing conversation, it's easier than explaining asexuality and the differences between sexual and romantic attraction. if someone asks more specifically, i'll usually just call myself bi for simplicity's sake, even though the ace part is a much more important (to me) part of my identity. monogamous as fuck.

i'm still struggling with internalized homophobia and a lot of "am i even queer enough" thoughts, which is super fun. took me a long time to even consider the fact that i might like girls at all. i'll probably never come out to my parents. not that they'd, like, disown me or whatever, but they're juuuuust homophobic/transphobic enough that my few attempts to educate them when they say something A Little Yikes have shown me that i should probably just stay in the closet unless i absolutely have to come out. like i'm getting married to a woman or something.

sugarplum; what’s the color of your eyes and hair?

i usually say my eyes are green because it's easier, and they mostly are, but i have rings of greyish blue around the irises and sometimes they're more hazel in the middle. they always have a green tint to them though, even if the intensity of the green varies.

my natural hair is brown, a little on the darker and slightly ashy side of completely generic. currently a former blonde, although i'm hoping to bleach my fucking YEAR of growout soon, and then go some crazy color as a last hurrah before i have to go dark again. being broke fucking sucks.

wings; coffee or tea?

tea!! black tea. chai, to be specific, with an irresponsible amount of milk and sugar. chai lattes are a fucking drug okay? coffee makes me sick (not a judgement, a literal fact. last time i tried some i threw up).

fairytale; are you a cat or dog person?

cat!! but my family has a chihuahua named sonny and you can pry that little monster from my cold dead hands ok i will fight you.

snowflake; favorite time period?

okay, i wrote and rewrote my answer to this about 10 times. then i tried to divide it up into categories (aesthetics, history, fashion, vibes, geographical location, etc), but that didn't help. so basically: i don't have one, because i have too many.

i like the american 20s-60s for the aesthetic, music/movies, and the fashion. i also like the european 1600s-1800s for the interesting history and also vibe. i love the french and russian revolutions — the fashion! the art! the wars and political upheaval! I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY. then, of course, we can't forget the rennaisance. or the witch trials (pick your continent). and ancient greece? the roman empire? hello?? did i mention empires? how bout we mosy on over to south america — can i interest you in the mayans? incans? aztecs? what about china and japan? korea? vietnam? and don't even get me fucking STARTED on the black plague.

ancient egypt? sign me the FUCK UP. vikings? yes please. the celts? oh boy. the MYTHOLOGY. the ARCHITECTURE. the LANGUAGES and POLITICS and LITERATURE and REVOLUTIONS and GOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ANY OF THESE

i uh. might have gotten a little excited. basically i like history a lot. and mythology. and linguistics. and cultural practices. and the politics and prejudices behind wars and stuff. and learning in general. moving on.

vanilla; do you believe in ghosts?

let's put it this way: i don't not believe in ghosts??

listen. we don't know jack shit. we don't know what happens after we die, there are constant scientific revelations that turn our understanding of the universe completely upside-down, and there is literally no way to know which religions or myths or urban legends could have some grain of truth to them. like, dude, i've literally thought i was haunted before. psychology is bananas and the universe is infinite.

demons could be real. ghosts could be real. what if we just haven't invented the necessary technology to prove it yet? what if we never do, and they just fuck around alongside us, moving furniture and making shadow puppets on the walls just for kicks until the earth explodes? what if that one tumblr post was right and ghosts are actually real people from alternate universes or timelines that we see accidentally bc some cosmic wires got crossed? who fucking knows.

i love horror movies and scary stories and ghost hunter shows just as much as the next gal. but listen. psychics? mediums? people who accept every single creepypasta retold third-hand from their neighbor's kid's classmate's second cousin who "totally knows a guy"? doubt.jpeg

i don't understand the sheer amount of assumptions made willy-nilly about the nature of ghosts and demons and things that go bump in the night. the assumption that "oh this machine that totally doesn't look like a coathanger taped to a walkman will work because ghosts have this temperature and can always communicate like this and are electromagnetic" or whatever just baffles me. to a certain degree, following a general consensus is one thing — some basic things everyone can agree on? that's cool. ghosts can walk through walls and are probably dead people or whatever. but oh my god, taking every single story as absolute, undeniable proof?? taking these stories and expanding on them to infer intentions and scientific facts to something that by it's very nature is unknowable and assuming, like, every spirit is created equal?? and yeah, ghost hunting shows are fun and campy and kinda creepy but like. you really, genuinely don't think any of them have ever faked anything at all??? even if ghosts are real, it's fucking reality tv, my dude. it's the entertainment industry. at least maintain the slightest ounce of critical thought before taking zak bagans' word as the goddamn gospel.

and sidenote, maybe it's just my limited exposure as a white woman in the western world, but of all the shows and podcasts and movies and documentaries and whatnot i've been able to find and consume, there's the constant use of christian ideology applied to every situation that just really burns my bacon. what, there's never been an atheist ghost? if you see a shadow person and you don't know the lord's prayer by heart, are you automatically fucked? why are there never stories about, i don't know, viking ghosts? does your religion in life preclude you from becoming a ghost in the first place? is that why people never mention buddhist ghosts? i don't get it, and that's why even though i'm self-admittedly the most superstitious person i've ever met, true believers make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out. makes me come across as more skeptical than i theoretically am. I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OK

but like, you couldn't pay me to fuck with a ouija board. i'm not stupid.

delicate; diamonds or pearls?

both have their appeal and their place, but diamonds, i guess. i like the sparkle. but fake ones!! or synthetic. diamonds are overpriced and artificial scarcity is a scam and i don't need a dumb rock that some poor person in a mine somewhere was exploited and possibly died for. no blood diamonds in this house, thank you very much.

if i ever get engaged, i don't want a diamond ring. i'd want something cool, a little unusual, like a ruby or a sapphire or some other sparkly gem that isn't literally shoved in your face every waking moment as the expected standard symbol of True Love. they're cheaper, they're cool-looking, as a ring they still hold the cultural symbolism of an engagement/wedding ring. and honestly, as long as it's well-made and durable, whatever hypothetical gem it is doesn't have to be real either. i'm a woman of simple needs and demonstrably low standards. no point in going into debt for a fucking piece of jewelry, regardless of ~tradition~.

lavender dream; favorite album?

oh lord. welcome to the black parade, i guess. or anything by panic! at the disco. there are dozens of possible options — my interests are mercurial and my memory is garbage. but i'll always be an emo little shit. black parade and vices and virtues were also the first two albums i ever listened to where i loved every single song on them, and i happened to listen to them for the first time at around the same point in my life (i got into mcr super late. like, 2012 late. rip).

silky; what’s your biggest dream?

it's cheesy but i guess i just want stability and, by extension, happiness. emotional stability, mental stability, financial stability, stable living situation, stable routines, stable relationships... you get the idea. i have ambitions and passions, of course, but my ultimate goal is happiness at this point in my life, and i'm pretty sure stabilizing all those things would go a pretty long way in achieving that goal.

a little apartment with walls i can paint because white walls make me angry. bookshelves and posters and fandom merch on every wall. a computer i can actually play games on again, and somewhere i can paint and draw and record my podcasts. someone who loves me, maybe. a cat, if i'm stable enough. space for people to come visit me, and a place for them to sleep if they need. a tiny balcony, if i really want to shoot for the stars. a job i don't hate. the spoons to hang out with my friends, and the money to not worry about buying little presents for the people i care about sometimes. i don't need much.

strawberry kiss; do you have a crush right now?

nope.

glitter; favorite fictional character?

another loaded question. like books, if you ask me again in five minutes i'll probably give you a different answer. but in this particular moment, caleb and jester from critical role (please don't make me choose between them). i won't go full shipping mode rn, but jester is so funny and silly and sweet, so much more complex than she seems, and she tries so hard to make everyone happy even when she's so sad inside. the healer who treats healing as an inconvenience in battle (she's so fucking valid and also mood), the glue that keeps the party together. and caleb learning to trust again, facing his trauma and coming out of his shell. he loves his friends so much he plays wizard as a support class and i love him so much.

i love the mighty nein in general, of course, and all the guests/honorary members they've had. pumat!! pls don't be evil reani!! keg!! shakäste and grand duchess anastasia!! cali!! kiri!!!! the brotps! empire siblings! chaos crew! nott the best detective agency! i still love molly and all his assholery to bits (fight me), and mourn his lost potential. i adore yasha, even when she's gone; fjord has grown so much; beau and nott and caduceus — i love all their flaws and disagreements and their character arcs and the excitement of watching them grow and learn. but if i had to choose, caleb, jester and molly have always been my top 3 since day 1 and, well, molly isn't really an option anymore.

but like i said, ask me again in a minute. i have a fucking list.

swan; share a quote or passage that means something to you.

a collection of things off the top of my head:

Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition. — Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

a tired feminist Mood™️

"What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore, it knows it's not foolin' a soul." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

i got my love of books from my grandma — some of my favorites i got from her. sometimes, as a treat, she used to take my sister and i to bookstores and we'd stay there for ages, getting to pick one out, roaming the shelves, the mental torture of having to choose. the peace of being surrounded by thousands of potential worlds, so much information, so many stories just waiting to be told; being surrounded by strangers who share that same wonder. the anxious drive home so we could read them, being unable to wait that long so i inevitably start reading in the car and make myself sick. telling her in excited detail all my favorite parts. if we were lucky, maybe we got to split a bear claw, or she'd drive past starbucks and get us something there too (tall vanilla soy steamer with one pump of vanilla syrup, whipped cream on top that always melted too quickly and squirted out the hole in the lid, so hot it burned my tongue but so good i didn't care). i have never felt more at home than i do when i'm surrounded by books.

"There are a lot of different types of freedom. We talk about freedom the same way we talk about art, like it was a statement of quality rather than a description. “Art” doesn’t mean good or bad. Art just means art. It can be terrible and still be art. Freedom can be good or bad, too. There can be terrible freedom. You freed me, and I didn’t ask you to." — Alice Isn't Dead, season 1, chapter 2: Alice

as cringey as it is to admit it, this line made me cry a lot after my breakup.

"So you aren't American?" asked Shadow.

"Nobody's American," said Wednesday. "Not originally. That's my point." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

[side-eyes white america real hard]

there's more, of course. there's always more. don't even get me started on song lyrics, we'll be here all day.

lace; what’s your favorite plant/flower?

lilacs and roses.

mermaid; do you prefer the forest or the ocean? why?

both, i guess. but in different ways, and in different circumstances.

the sea is wild. it is endless and deep and unknowable. it is beautiful and dangerous. i am terrified of the ocean, and yet my favorite place in the world is an empty beach on the oregon coast. i have picked sand from between my toes for days with hair crusted in salt, danced around bonfires and watched the stars while marshmallows burn, gotten pulled under the waves as a child and nearly swept out to sea. picked starfish and crabs from small pools in the rocks, and swum (accidentally) with wild sea lions. in a long skirt, too early in the year to be swimming, i once took off my shoes and waded fully clothed into the water to my waist and just... danced. splashed and kicked and laughed with a boy i barely knew until our throats were sore and our toes were numb, walking home hours later with our soaked clothes clinging to our legs, shoes squelching, dripping algae as we went. the ocean is freeing and overwhelming all at once. i love it and am petrified by it in equal measure.

the forest is beautiful in a different way. it is silent and dense and serene. you are surrounded by life and yet, somehow, completely alone. there is magic in the forest, and history, and even when all else dies, that will remain. the trees grow from the corpses of their ancestors, and some have lived dozens of our lifetimes — with luck, a few dozen more. it is quiet there, peaceful, even the tiniest wood in the middle of a city muffling the outside world through the trees. you can feel the ancient ways deep in your soul as you follow winding paths strewn with fallen leaves, the mystery and wonder and superstitions of your forefathers. you wonder what it would be like, to run your fingers over the moss, to take off your shoes and socks and just run, leaping and dancing over rocks and roots, hair wild and air filling your lungs in deep, pure gulps as you shed the responsibilities and struggles of modern life, for just a moment remembering what freedom tastes like. it is primal, this connection to nature, one we have nearly forgotten over time. and as the sky grows dark and the silence of night presses against you, shadows looming, every footfall deafening, perhaps you begin to understand why some believed in monsters.

honeymoon; do you keep a journal?

i used to. honestly, that's a good idea, i should start doing that again. lord knows i have enough empty journal-type books.

starlight; do you believe in love at first sight and soulmates? why/why not?

i want to. i want to believe there's someone out there for me, the love of my life, someone to whom i'll be the love of their life, and that when i meet them i'll just... know.

but when i met my ex, i didn't really look twice at him for a while — no love at first sight. and when we were together, when i loved him and he swore he loved me back, i thought he hung the stars in the sky and knew i would marry him someday. couldn't even consider the idea that that wouldn't happen. and then when he broke up with me, he ghosted me so suddenly and thoroughly that he even preemptively cut contact with every single one of our mutual friends he thought might side with me in the breakup, before anybody even knew we'd had a fight. so, not soulmates either.

i really want to believe that someday the perfect romance will just fall into place and i can have the happily ever after i've always dreamed of. but the reality is i might never even have another s.o. for the rest of my life. maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow, or my hypothetical soulmate moves to argentina to become an alpaca farmer on a mountain somewhere and we never even meet. maybe i'm so traumatized by the betrayal and lies that i'll never have the courage to even try again.

and even so, happily ever after doesn't have to include a fairytale romance, regardless of whether i want it or not. i still like to cling to that hope though, deep down.

princess; what do you value most in people?

i'm going to assume you mean "real people" as in people i have positive relationships with, and not random strangers on the street.

loyalty. kindness. support. humor. similar values. patience. being able to grow together and teach each other things, so we can make each other better. honesty. trust. compassion. confidence. emotional vulnerability. communication. intelligence, or at least a willingness to learn. strength.

[loquaciousquark]

You’ve talked about River Stone already, so I’ll mention Were We Not Called, which is lovely lovely lovely as a Hawke/Fenris story, but one particular bit that sticks is actually the section about Isabela and cockle shells and seaweed and you better believe pre-destination is not a thing.

BOY HOWDY LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS FIC AND ABOUT THIS SECTION IN PARTICULAR BECAUSE MAN DO I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. So the soulmate trope is cool. Like, I’ve been aware of it in fandoms for...gosh, ten years? Longer? And I totally recognize that it’s a straight-up romantic like, you for me and me for you and this is how it is, now what? trope, and that is totally fine and good and I get it.

But man oh man, you read enough soulmate fics where every. single. person. is paired up by the end of the fic, and it’s just...it’s a Lot. I remember reading one--I don’t even think I knew the fandom, just fic-hopping on AO3--and while the writing was grammatically impeccable, I couldn’t get over how Stepford-Wives-neat every pairing had become by the last chapter. And I could tell the author loved the fic! And loved the pairings, and tried to do them justice! But man, how do you have eight main pairings, and all of them just...work out? Without effort? Why did every single person just...accept that because this random mark or phrase got slapped on their buttcheek at birth that this other person was totally perfect for them in every way? There were no arguments, there were no conflicts of interest, no one questioning how or where or why these markings happened or what it meant to be a soulmate. It was just--introduction, wild chemistry, and sex, pairing after pairing after pairing. Most of them hadn’t ever had sex before their soulmate, or even considered looking at anyone else, like it was an utterly foreign concept. No one even questioned if their soulmate was a good person.

Obviously, this one fic is not representative of all soulmate trope fics. But it was one of the worst I’d read, and many more fics echoed enough of its issues I was dissatisfied with the--with the basic humanity of the whole thing! More than anything, I was viscerally repulsed by how docile characters tended to be once presented with their match; at that point, the conflict was over. Anything left was external--kidnapping, war, etc; there was no decision even on the table to be made on the parts of the people in the ship. And all I could think of was that passage in the Little House on the Prairie books where Laura Ingalls Wilder tells Almanzo that she’ll marry him, but she won’t have the word “obey” in the vows, and that’s all there is to it. (I know, I know. Stop looking at me like that.)

I remember once Mom trying to give me some candy I wanted as a kid, and even though I wanted it, I refused because she had ordered me to take it. That was what I needed (and wasn’t getting) from these fics. I needed the autonomy, the choice. I needed the characters to acknowledge that they were living, breathing men & women & nb folks with minds of their own who were capable of making their own decisions, that they were staying with these people because they had free will and had deliberately chosen them with their eyes wide open, not because they were forced into this permanent binding relationship by a quirk of fate before they were even born.

(There’s a line in Queen’s Thief that discusses this, and echoes a conversation Jade & I once had in real life about God and free will: “If I am the pawn of the gods, it is because they know me so well, not because they make my mind up for me.”)

So. When I saw this prompt (I think actually sent my way by @thegeminisage?), I thought to myself NOW IS THE TIME, NOW IS THE MOMENT, now is finally my chance to do this thing the way I desperately want to see it done. I want free will. I want complicated soulmates. I want soulmates who choose not to be with each other. I want soulmates who only meet after one’s had their first lover die. I want people loving outside of their soulmates and not being judged for it. I want Isabela to have the ultimate freedom, a permanent freedom, to ignore a demand set on her from birth forever.

So when I got to her section, I knew the feeling I wanted to write. I vividly remember sitting in a Chickfila downtown over a lunch break, writing on my tiny iPad mini while wolfing down a sandwich before I had to go back for afternoon clinics. It was raining--not hard, but enough that it was drizzling, and I was listening to Olafur Arnalds (as always), and as soon as I had the image of the fairy tale (a la the little mermaid) I knew how the rest of the lines went. It was just following them to their conclusion and letting Isabela have all the soft curves and sharp edges she deserves, and making sure that under it all was the firm foundation that every part of this was, and would always be, her decision.

--

Still, even knowing, she finds she's not terribly tempted to search out her own supposed one true love. The name at the hollow of her throat belongs to a fairy tale, a girl dead twenty years, a princess who fled her prison to live instead in the wild dark heart of the sea. Even were they to drag her ashore again, gasping, they would find her changed too far from who she was; made new in cockle shells, and seaweed, and the fine grit of a shark's skin to set a careless hand to bleeding. There's nothing solid in seafoam to embrace.

No. Isabela's body is her own, no one else's, and she'll choose who she likes when she likes and regret none of them, and if she has a missing half it's the grey waves of an early dawn on the ocean, stars just this side of fading in the sky behind her. Soulmate—no. She'll have a first mate instead.

[bloodfcst-a]

GENERAL.

full name.  kisaragi yufi. pronunciation. kee-suh-rah-g ( hard g ) ee   /   yoo-fee nicknames.  honestly she doesn’t have enough bc y’all are cowards. height. 5′2. tiny shrimp girl. age. typically 22. verse-dependent though, sometimes she’s a teenager, which in that case she’s 16-17, or i’ll write according to the canon scenario. zodiac. scorpio/sag cusp. languages. japanese, korean, english   /   wutaian, common tongue

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  she dyes it frequently, but it’s naturally a hazelnut brown. eye colour. varies tbh, usually a grey-hazel. skin tone.  olive, tans easily if exposed to enough direct sunlight. as a result, she wears her most exposing of clothes on cloudy, overcast days or in colder climates.  body type. thin, muscular in the abdomen. she has no boobies but she has biceps and calves for days. the booty is small but tight and defined. i’m pointing out the important deets y’all thirsty folks are interested in. accent.  nagoya accent, but she tries to mask it. speaks korean with no accent, with her mother’s family having come from the city. her english has minor hiccups and she speaks with a higher lilt in her voice than those with a neutral ‘american’ accent. dominant hand.  left.  posture.  the only time she’s lax in posture is when she’s lounging on someone. otherwise prideful & with a desperate need to be seen, to be respected and valued, she sits and stands with no shrugged shoulders, no slouching, having been trained throughout childhood about daintiness and poise and elegance. scars. she has one hidden at the nape of her neck. a burn mark from not taking the perils of fire as seriously as she should. tattoos.  several. it’s been listed in previous memes.  most noticeable features.  probably her agility & flexibility, combined with her ability to turn practically anything into a weapon, including her body.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  nagoya, japan   /   wutai. hometown.   ^ birth weight / height.  n/a manner of birth.  water birth. first words.  no. siblings.  n/a parents. mother, kasumi / deceased  ;   father, godo / alive. parental involvement.  typically lives in her father’s household, which is more of a structural city of thrones and towers / pagodas. as his heir, he’s directly involved in her affairs, and she in his. they often disagree with each other about the slightest things, but generally want the the best for each other & they work together in the best interests of their community.

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  verse-dependent. as a yakuza, she’s second-in-command of her clan, only below her father in ranks of power. she doesn’t have a family of her own, instead choosing to watch the entirety of little wutai & distributing goals and jobs to families as needed.   /     in her civilian-verse, she does work in gardening, interior design, and art.    /    occasionally she’s a student.   /    in canon-related verses, she’s the heir apparent in wutai, managing business transactions so that wutai no longer has to strictly commodify its culture to make ends meet, and manages small businesses so that they may be self-sufficient and sustainable while authentic in its practices. current residence. typically resides in the ‘li’l wutai’ compound of nagoya, inside a renovated mansion in which the kisaragi family has inherited for generations. personal assistants  both hired from the community and traditionally affiliated with the family also reside there. yufi also has an apartment in nagoya from when she wants away from the ‘ family business ’, as well as another apartment in roppongi, tokyo.   /    has extended family in los angeles, stays in their house mostly, but also has a bedroom at yilun’s for when she needs to be away from personal baggage. close friends. verse-dependent. tida, lola, james. friendly with freya, worick. admires majima, kiryu.  avalanche squad & the turks are cool. restoration committee will always be cool. relationship status. verse-dependent, but typically single with situationships. blows kissie @ lea tho. financial status.  stupid money. driver’s license. yes. criminal record.  expunged.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  pansexual. romantic orientation. panromantic. preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido. normal, but can range on high if she’s stressed, wants to be distracted. turn on’s. confidence, control. turn off’s. don’t leave a mark. don’t be gross. don’t be arrogant or especially demeaning. love language. she gives gifts & acts of service. she prefers to receive personal attention. relationship tendencies.  tends to get into situationships because she doesn’t like feeling vulnerable or exposed, doesn’t want anyone to have any sense of control over her long-term. slow to warm up or even embrace feelings, but once in a committed / established relationship, is incredibly supportive & dedicated.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. billie eilish, copycat.   /    joji, test drive. hobbies to pass the time. relatively normal ones, tbh. she’s into dancing, karaoke, thrill-seeking, drinking games. mental illnesses. ptsd. physical illnesses.  n/a. left or right brained. right. fears. losing everything. utter failure.

self confidence level.  fairly high. vulnerabilities. she can be cocky and haughty. her propensity to do things herself. is self-sacrificing, though shields any admission of being ‘soft’ by having a ‘tough guy’ persona.

tagged by: @breselin like 28 years ago i’m so sorry.

tagging: @divadesire @indomitalis (either character works, but i’m partial to fu!), @desummon, @hxgure, @bcnriya, @guiltscorched (u know i love dazai...), @dojiryu, @demonslayvr, @garrotejima, @meialesait, @nshikigoi, @flawedkept .... i think that’s a good start ! you if you’re interested !

[gaygwenpool]

give me literally All Headcanon for that post for Mysterio p l e a s e (also, for the one of my choosing, whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE)

:D!!! my sweet boy, BLESS you nonnie! 

◉ whether or not you hc he commentates movies while watching them or insists on ABSOLUTE SILENCE IS A FANTASTIC QUESTION IVE BEEN LITERALLY LAUGHIN ABOUT IT ALL DAY THANK YOU

   Both actually! if you try to comment on the plot or react to an actor, immediately you get rudely shushed with the most scorching glare because how DARE you, focus on the ~ART~ you heathen!!! but also the Moment a slightly more advanced special effect takes place, he is all hoppin on his seat excitedly explaining how it’s done and how genius that is, how would he improve on it and how another movie dealt with it, the dialogue for the big plot reveal goin on the screen be damned :’D Also as the movie advances, he starts gettin more and more into long passionate rants either complaining about the lack/surfeit of respect the creators got, how arrogant this one actor is and how he doesnt respect his cues and so on….. lots of the stuff he says is actually pretty interesting but yeah, if you counted on just enjoying the movie, tough luck 

   He really likes watchin movies with people but prefers to see the movie first on his own at least once, to really focus on it. Often, he will watch a movie in the livin room while others do their own thing and he will comment on the good scenes, however if you agreed to actually watch somethin with him and got distracted during screening or worse, was on your phone?? you are dead to him. (and you can expect some …unpleasant surprises in the upcoming days)   

im gonna put the rest under the readmore cuz this is gettin long ^^;;

[ask meme]

☾ - sleep headcanon

Beck is the UGLIEST sleeper, he is the worst. He snores loudly, drools, moves, KICKS, mumbles and has the most vivid wildest dreams. (it happens rarely but sometimes he’ll dream about somethin, wake up and for a while be convinced it actually happened, you know like when you dream about arguing with your friend and being mad at them the next day etc) On the other hand, sometimes, all his features relax, he loses the scowl and looks surprisingly peaceful and happy… oh and he hogs the blanket.  

His sleep schedule is a fuckin mess, he is able to go like the whole week on few hours of sleep total when he is workin on a project but other days he gets grumpy if he doesnt get his 10h of beauty sleep every night.. 

★ - sad headcanon

uhhh i dont actually have much sad stuff for this boy yet, he brings me so much joy that i dont have the heart for that :’’’D (also i like him and chameleon team ups and Dmitri brings enough angst to the table for the both of them)

He really actually died that one time and went to hell (though in Patchwork, im not gonna keep everythin about that Daredevil plot, i really like Mysti being dangerous and actually a worthy opponent but most of it was too fucked up for my tastes…) and well… it wasnt great :’D  it mostly targeted his insecurities about his own talent he buried so deep he almost stopped believing them, the lack of respect and recognition and him willingly throwing away any chance he had at those by becoming Mysterio and of course everything that happened with his ex Brick Johnson…

☆ - happy headcanon

blease consider: autistic Quentin !!!!!!

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

he doesnt have a hair trigger temper like Ock or Electro but Damn does this boy holds grudges over literally everything :’D lots of overcomplicated, carefully crafted revenge plots just for eating the last yogurt in the fridge… He gets frustrated easily, getting snappy and rude, especially if people are not listening to him, but it’s often about the pettiest things, the bigger stuff doesnt affect him as much.  

He doesnt enjoy violence for the sake of violence but he is not above it either, everythin is allowed for his big performance…… he can be quite a good n friendly boss if you listen to his orders and work well but can just as much set you up to die in an explosion, all while smiling and patting you on the back… 

✿ - Sex headcanon

my Mysterio is gay as hell but also somewhere on the ace spectrum… not sex-repulsed but definitely not a high drive either (he feels oddly smug about that, like look at those fools trying to get into each others’ pants, how pathetic, *I* in the meantime have time for things that Truly matter, like recreating every Xmen battle ever with only straws and gum.) 

■ -  Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

listen, i basically grew up on those “the entire villain team lives in a single place - shenanigans ensue” fics so im not givin up on the Sinister Six HQ, okay. (Chameleon usually finds them a suitable house with enough rooms, as luxurious as their current fonds allow, and he prides himself in putting in lil personal touches that he knows the sin six members would enjoy, for Quentin it’s often very obscure movies, rare memorabilia from his favorite ones, stuff for his illusions, a stolen Oscar…) 

 When these are unavailable (aka superheroes got them busted) or when he aint in the middle of a crime job, he usually stays at one of the Cham’s safehouses (with or without him) and in a few of them, he already has his own dedicated room with some of his fav old tricks on display. Speakin of which, he has a BIG warehouse with most of his setups and stages or at least models. He doesnt really plan on reusing them but he likes having them all together 

♡ - romantic headcanon

((jakjgkfajga im a loser and ended up shippin him with Chameleon and everythin i’ve thought off so far is EMBARRASSING AND CHEESY AS FUCK :’’’’D so im gonna leave those for another time))

Beck being an Extra Bitch he is, lives for the Big Romantic Gestures like in the movies and he often gets so caught up in the prep he.. kinda disregards the person he was makin it for, the making of the effect means more for him than  the actual sentiment behind it… 

(ok maybe One mysteleon hc, while it pains him, Quentin knows Chammy Would Not Enjoy being a target of such grand display… he gotta be more subtle, creating a scene where he could play in disguise and dupe some superheroes mayhaps…) 

♥ - family headcanon

like 99% of the villains and their grandma, his family wasnt great, mum left when he was very young with another guy, his dad considered his passion for movies a great waste of time and let lil Quentin know how disappointed he was at every occasion both vocally and physically.. After the first few broken models and ripped tapes with stop animations that took weeks to complete, Quentin stopped tryin to impress and convince his father about the greatness of special effects.. He joined a boxing club and learnt some other martial arts but as soon as he could, he left to join a proper film school which led to his father dropping both financing and all contact with him. 

☮ - friendship headcanon

Im not even gonna start about Chameleon’s and Mysterio’s friendship because that shit is canon and i cry about it on a daily basis. 

Despite his penchant for Dramatics, the constant Need for Validation and Backstabbing and other Throwing Shit in the Fan just cuz it was narratively better, Quentin actually has quite a few friends? He gets along quite well with everyone from the Sin Six and many other villains and even has some ‘normie’ pals from the film industry or just neighborhood… 

One of his most surprising is actually Doc Ock with whom he gets along even outside of business partners/partners in crime basis. Though maybe not so surprising, Mysterio is quite vocal with his praises when he feels like they are deserved and Doc as well actually admires and recognizes Beck’s talent while it is still enough specific for him not to feel threatened in his superiority (once he tried to improve them and show them to Quentin with his usual arrogance and flair and that was the biggest fight they ever had and they werent on speaking terms for a loooong while after that… Oct cant stand not having the last word so he still modified some of Mysterio’s tricks even after that but he actually cares about their friendship enough to not tell Mysti about it.. Not like he would ever admit that to Quentin’s fishbowl face) 

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

like 99% of everythin Mysti does is Somehow related to special effects/film or the Drama in general but my boy is a nerd in general, theater, books, comics, manga, roleplaying games, you name it. He especially likes flashy stuff obviously. 

He really enjoys learning new techniques and figuring out how to make something happen. When he was younger, he was viciously against CGI but later he started to sorta respect it as its own category that needs talent and effort… he still prefers to use the traditional techniques of course :’D (…as traditional as HYPNOTIZING PEOPLE WITH NEURAL GAZ IS) 

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

He has a very Complicated relationship with the film industry……. on the one hand, he loves the behind the scenes, the rush, the Action…. but on the other hand, he hates it with a fiery passion, everythin from how you get treated like dirt and the pretentious prizes being awarded just for the Big names and hollywood and everythin turning around the money an-…., he has a very long list and it is alphabetized. (While he has a point for many of those complaints, the fact HE himself never got any pretentious award remains probably the main issue…) 

he absolutely despises people making fun of D-grade shitty movies in the “this shitty horror is so cheesy and dumb it’s funny and i love it” way, either because the people workin on it were good and trying their best but the money or the producers etc ruined it (his experience) and then it’s an unfair critique or because the creators just didnt try hard enough and that’s even worse in his books and this movie should not get Any Attention much less a positive one.. 

he likes complaining and being snarky :’D he enjoys the challenge Spidey sets for them and loves playing tag with him (even when he loses..) He loves the prep before his big shows both alone or with help, the adrenalin when actually pulling it off and when he discusses it with Cham in details. He lives for the applause and recognition and ~Fame~ 

▼ - childhood headcanon

not as much as hc as adopting the Webspinners’ aproach: he spent most of his childhood daydreaming, hiding himself behind the stories and special effects….. not many friends aside from Betsy but he didnt really need them, he wanted audience not pals.. In the film school he started to be more social and communicative, he met Brick there and they started goin out… 

∇ -. old age/aging headcanon

hhhhh im conflicted, there are like 3 comics where Q is retired because he has enough of superheroes beating him up and he Really doesnt want to go back to it.. I cant see him actually givin up on it totally tho… idk idk

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

Like with sleep, it oscillates wildly. He can forget to eat when he is hypefocusin on a particular project (one single chip suffices as nourishment) or he just subsides on ramen for a month but on the other hand he is quite a capable cook. Nothing Extraordinary but he can make enough diverse simple meals. When livin with Chammy, they both enjoy eating out so they do that as much as the budget allows (so not that much, illusions arent cheap…) 

☼ - appearance headcanon

im still thinkin about that one post that described Quentin as a “toenail of a man” and i couldnt agree more :’D very short, pig nose, hairstyle à la Spock, stocky built and weirdly beefy, like this guy’s thigh is bigger than some heads… (for a nerd he is surprisingly strong what the fuck) 

All Mysterios are Good Mysterios but my preferred ones have a bigass ROUND fishbowl, the longest cape and somethin as a belt, preferably sash.. 

ൠ - random headcanon

he actually isnt….. that great of an actor nor director nor creator………………….. (im sorry baby i love you but it’s tru….) he unconsciously copies a lot of stuff he has seen elsewhere, he follows overused tropes, his work is packed with cliches and cheesy over the top pathos… his special effects mastery n creativity with workin out his illusions is absolutely INCREDIBLE dont get me wrong, it’s just… the plot/ideas……..  at first he lived in denial about this still believing 100% his work is Wonderful and Perfect and he is just a misunderstood author… later he decided to embrace it and he is livin the life now :D