#the asexual manifesto

[hushpuppy5-blog]

I found this document called "The Asexual Manifesto" and thought it was interesting in how it addressed asexuality amongst women in some 1970s feminist groups:

The Asexual Manifesto (1972) was recently found by Caoimhe Harlock on Twitter.  It is available as a pdf.  I have transcribed it below for better accessibility.  The format mimics the original, except for the placement of the footnote on the first page. The Asexual Manifesto was also excerpted in Shere Hite’s book, Sexual Honesty (1974); I have separately transcribed the excerpt and noted what was left out.  Feel free to use this in any way.

--Siggy, 6/22/2019

I wrote an article explaining some of the context of the Manifesto. --Siggy, 8/9/2019

The Asexual Manifesto

Lisa Orlando, Asexual Caucus, NYRF *

* In September 1972, the Co-ordinating Council of New York Radical Feminists formed caucuses based on similarity of sexual orientation.  Each caucus was to explore its members' personal and political attitudes about their sexuality and communicate these views to the larger group.  Barbie Hunter Getz and I realized that we would not feel comfortable in any of the proposed caucuses (heterosexual, Lesbian, bisexual) and formed our own.  Out of this caucus came a paper of which the “Asexual Manifesto” is a revision.  That the paper’s plural form has been retained does not imply that all the views expressed in this final version necessarily reflect the views of both the original co-authors.

I. Origin and Definition.

Our experiences with sexuality have not been congruent with our feminist values.  As our consciousness became raised on this issue we began to see how sex had permeated our lives and the lives of others.  We categorized our relationships in terms of sex ----- either friends or lovers.  We engaged in a "sizing up" process, however subtle or subconscious, with each new person, accepting or rejecting her/him as a possible sexual partner even if we never intended to become sexually involved.  We arbitrarily rejected whole groups of people as unsuitable for intimate relationships because we assumed that such relationships, by definition, necessarily included sex.  Often we chose to spend time with people simply on the basis of their sexual availability (the “bar scene”).  As we became aware of this in ourselves, we became painfully aware of how we were being objectified by others.

Asexuality is an outgrowth of this consciousness.  It is a concept we have come to employ out of the wish to communicate ----- not merely through being but also through language ----- our struggle to rid ourselves of sexism in our personal lives.

In this paper we have used the terms “sex” and “sexual” to describe any activity one goal of which is genital excitation or orgasm.  Physical affection and sensuality (including kissing) are not, by this definition, sexual unless they are directed towards the goal of genital excitation.

We chose the term “asexual” to describe ourselves because both “celibate” and “anti-sexual” have connotations we wished to avoid: the first implies that one has sacrificed sexuality for some higher good, the second that sexuality is degrading or somehow inherently bad.  “Asexual”, as we use it, does not mean “without sex” but “relating sexually to no one”.  This does not, of course, exclude masturbation but implies that if one has sexual feelings they do not require another person for their expression.  Asexuality is, simply, self-contained sexuality.

II. Philosophy

Our philosophy of asexuality grew out of our personal ethics, which have been reshaped by our feminist consciousness.  To us, as to many other women, feminism means more than the fight against sexism.  It means "sisterhood" ----- a new way of relating, perhaps a new way of life.  Feminist morality, at this stage in history, can only be defined as antithetical to the oppressive values of our society (e.g., competition, objectification).  On a personal level, it is reflected in our beliefs that: we should attempt to relate to others in their totality as much as possible and not view them as objects existing for the gratification of our needs; we must not exploit others ----- that is, use them “unjustly or improperly” ----- nor allow ourselves to be exploited; we must not be dishonest with ourselves or those we respect.  In addition, we believe that we each have the responsibility for examining our behavior, determining how it has been affected by sexist conditioning, and changing it if it does not meet our standards.

As feminists we had decried the sexual exploitation of women by men without seeing that we too had used others “unjustly and improperly”.  Interpersonal sex is not an instinctive behavior pattern; it is behavior we have learned to use for the satisfaction of a need (for orgasm) which we can easily satisfy for ourselves.  We came to see this use of others as exploitative and realized that in allowing others to use us in this way we were acquiesing in our own exploitation.

In our attempt to be honest with ourselves, we tried to determine what our real needs are.  We saw that we have needs for affection, warmth, skin contact, which we had been taught to satisfy through interpersonal sex.  As we began to satisfy these needs in our "friendships," our need for and interest in sex diminished.  We also realized that we had a need for intimacy, a state we had always seen as "completed" by sex.  In retrospect, we realized that we, and others, had used sex as a means of self-deception, as a way of avoiding real closeness rather than achieving it.

We had struggled against our conditioning in many ways, especially in terms of roles, but we had avoided examining the basic conditioning which had shaped our sexuality.  It is difficult even to speculate on the nature of "ideal sexuality" (uninfluenced by sexism) but we are certain that it would not occupy as much of our lives as it does in this society.  We live in a culture of "fetish-worshippers" who regard sex with an extreme and irrational amount of attention.  Just as many of us were conditioned to direct our energy into the preparation of lavish meals, creating a fetish out of a simple need to avoid confrontation with the emptiness of our lives as women, so we were conditioned to seek sexual satisfaction in convoluted and circuitous ways.  Since our involvement with feminism, our lives have been increasingly meaningful and we no longer feel the need for fetishes.

In examining our experiences relative to our values, we have come to asexuality as a stand and a state of being concurrently.  Interpersonal sex is no longer important to us, no longer worth the distorted and often destructive role it has played in relationships.  It no longer defines our relationships or in any way constitutes our identities.  As asexual women, we do not (1) seek, initiate, or continue relationships in order to experience interpersonal sex, (2)use others for the satisfaction of our sexual needs or allow ourselves to be so used, (3) attempt to satisfy other needs (e.g. for affection, warmth, intimacy) through interpersonal sex, or (4) perceive others according to their potential, or lack of it, as sex partners.  In essence then, our asexuality reflects a rejection of interpersonal sex as long as it cannot meet our conditions: that it be both congruent with our values and totally incidental and unimportant to our relationship.

III Politics

Basic to the liberation of women is the destruction of sexism, one manifestation of which is the sexual exploitation of women by men.  Asexuality is a step towards achieving this goal at the personal level, as it eliminates one means by which men oppress us.  Through our asexuality, we have excluded sex as a goal and, essentially, even as a possibility in any relationships we may happen to have with men.

Because of the patriarchal culture which has resulted from institutionalized sexism, the exploitative behavior, standard in such a culture, has made it extremely difficult for women to realize their own independent, more humane style of relating.  Most women consequently reflect, in their relationships with each other, some of the exploitative behavior patterns characteristic of our male oppressors.  One area where the oppression of women by women may occur is, again, the sexual; this oppression too must end before we can be truly free. Through asexuality, we have rejected sex as a goal in our relationships with women, thus avoiding the sexual objectification, exploitation, and oppression of our sisters.  Here too, we reject any possibility of sex unless our conditions are met, and we thereby prevent ourselves from being sexually exploited and oppressed.

To destroy a particular culture’s basic myths is to undermine its very foundations.  Patriarchal culture, based as it is on sex differentiation, has constructed some of its strongest myths around sexuality.  We believe it is of prime importance that feminism direct itself to the exposure and destruction of the current patriarchal mythology which, through deception, reinforces our oppression.  Those myths most responsible for the distorted role sex plays in women's lives are:

Interpersonal sex is essential since the sex drive is a powerful force in human life and, if unsatisfied (through interpersonal sex), tends to produce unhappiness or possibly illness,

It is important that any sexual excitation always and/or immediately be satisfied,

Sex is essential for closeness in a relationship, no relationship being complete without it,

The ultimate closeness in a relationship occurs during sex and/or orgasm,

The needs for physical affection and sex are basically the same,

It is almost impossible satisfactorily to express affection physically without sexual excitation also occurring,

Women who have little interest in interpersonal sex, or who rarely if ever reach orgasm, are somehow inadequate.

While all these myths may not be credible to all women, some women believe some of them some of the time.

Finally, we see a conflict between, on the one hand, the time and energy necessary to our struggle as feminists, and, on the other hand, the time and energy necessary to develop and maintain relationships in which sex is a goal.  If we would use our energy efficiently, a choice seems indicated: to struggle against sexism or to struggle for satisfactory sex.  Although it may be said that to turn one’s back on a problem is not to solve it, we think the truth of this statement is relative to the importance one places on the problem.  If we saw interpersonal sex as important, asexuality would be a cop-out; since we do not, it is instead a means of withdrawing our energy from an area in which we feel it is being wasted.  

We see asexuality as an efficient "alternative life-style" for revolutionary women but we do not claim that “asexuality is revolution.”  We call ourselves “self-identified women” but we do not demand that all feminists adopt this title.  Our statement is simply this: as a result of examining the nature of our sexuality and reclaiming it from the sexist misconceptions surrounding it, we are able to form and maintain relationships in a way which both reflects our values and is effective in our liberation struggle.  For us, asexuality is a committment to defy and ultimately to destroy the baseless concepts, surrounding both sex and relationships, which support and perpetuate the patriarchy.

[a-gay-a-day]

The Asexual Manifesto

The first misconception that many people have is that the asexual manifesto discussed asexuality as we might today. This is not so.  During the late 1960s- early 1970s, the feminist community was experiencing the rise of radical feminism and political lesbianism, and the asexual manifesto was tied closely to the emergence of these philosophies. While radical feminists at that time believed that having sex with men was degrading, and thus they would choose to be lesbians (political lesbianism), another school of thought emerged, from which the asexual manifesto was born. 

In the asexual manifesto (Which you can read here, and I would greatly encourage reading, as it is fairly short) Lisa Orlando, the writer, says that “interpersonal sex is not an instinctive behavior pattern; it is a behavior pattern we have learned to use for the satisfaction of a need...,” which speaks of sex with anyone the same way that radical feminists were speaking of men in that time period.

The most commonly quoted line from the asexual manifesto is “ We chose the term “asexual” to describe ourselves because both “celibate” and “anti-sexual” have connotations we wished to avoid: the first implies that one has sacrificed sexuality for some higher good, the second that sexuality is degrading or somehow inherently bad.” 

Though this is a longer post, I want to get across the idea that the asexual manifesto is complicated. It may have been written by an asexual person who was attempting to understand herself, or it may have been written by a political asexual, similar to political lesbians. Furthermore, it is important to note that this cannot be dismissed due to the fact that it was written by a radical feminist. A radical feminist in the 1960s had different views than a TERF does now, and though some of those views are still ones we would consider outdated today, they are nonetheless an important part of queer history. (There will be another post later on about political queerness and second wave feminism, as well as a post centering on Lisa Orlando.) 

Regardless of whether the asexual manifesto was intended to be wholly political or if it represented the thoughts of an asexual woman, it struck a chord with many people. Greg Turner, a gay rights activist, read it and reported that it shed light on his own feelings about sexuality- he considered himself “gay, but not homosexual.” 

For a nuanced view of asexual history, I would recommend this episode by @queerasfact​ . They do a much better job of delving into the nuance of the asexual manifesto, presumably because they have an hour and not six paragraphs, which is already twice as long as most of my posts. This post is also less sourced, because the academic sphere is woefully devoid of asexual history.

[the-spacey-ace]

Omg! Here it is! The perfect explanation for it!!

“We chose the term “asexual” to describe ourselves because both “celibate” and “anti-sexual” have connotations we wished to avoid: the first implies that one has sacrificed sexuality for some higher good, the second that sexuality is degrading or somehow inherently bad. “Asexual”, as we use it, does not mean “without sex” but “relating sexually to no one”. This does not, of course, exclude masturbation but implies that if one has sexual feelings they do not require another person for their expression. Asexuality is, simply, self-contained sexuality.”

— The Asexual Manifesto, Lisa Orlando and Barbara Getz, 1972

[creative-aces]

SURPRISE!  - A manifesto for manifesting radical asexuality.

Looking back fifty years after Lisa Orlando published "The Asexual Manifesto," Asexual Manifesto 2022 names what asexual community has learned and what society must still learn to achieve liberation. 

Asexual Manifesto 2022 encourages all people fighting for freedom to practice five principles of radical asexuality. This new zine edition of Asexual Manifesto 2022 gives readers another way to share a message of action and empowerment with their communities.

The physical copy is now available on our website and it already got accepted into a zine selling bookstore so super excited to share more photos soon! 

[saucy-mesothelioma]

Yo, Happy International Asexuality Day to my fellow aces!!!! Remember that no matter the label, y'all are valid and anyone who says otherwise will be subject to the wrath of the Nebby

[subliminalacethetic]

at this point not factoring asexuality into your belief system is just embarrassing like damn bitch how do you function in society with a 70-million-people-sized hole in your worldview

[ltfad]

Hello! I like how you write all the clones as aroace. I have a question about it: How did you figure out/come to the conclusion that the clones were aroace? I have my own thoughts, but I'm curious to hear yours!

The shortest most genuine answer is: because we're aroace spectrum and they just gave us a vibe, and we wanted to. A whole army of representation!! It made us really happy.

And then from that feeling and that desire to make them aroace we also thought it made sense rationally within the story. Because the clones have their own culture. They were raised outside of human norms! And they have been created to be perfect soldiers which means limiting their physical distractions, and there'd be no reason to make them have a reproductive instinct or ability (bad for business in multiple ways from the Kaminoan perspective). [Disclaimer that aroace ppl can have sex drive but that's not the point here].

There have been so many characters that were aroace coded in other works of fiction we loved, particularly A.I. or alien characters, who the writers then forced an allonormative "awakening" on as a part of their "becoming more human" storyline, and it always felt like such a painful thing to us. A betrayal. A way of the world saying yet again that aroace people are less human. So the fact that the clones are so absolutely human (in the sense of being complete, feeling beings with individuality and a complete and brightly shining soul), and don't need to BECOME more human, but are incredible people as they are... us letting them be aroace as I feel they are shown to be in the show... us stubbornly and audaciously being like "yes ALL OF THEM"... it's because of that. It's because we want to celebrate the fact that just like how the clones are such incredibly human people despite every bit of their circumstances trying to say they are not, them being aroace is something they can claim for themselves (though not in those exact words) as a part of their identity without it making them less-than. It's a so-what, just like being grown in a tank. So what? Why does that mean I'm not fully a person? Why does that mean my life is any less meaningful than anyone else's?

[cruelsister-moved2]

i dont understand straight womens struggle </3 but it kind of annoys me when criticism of political lesbians has this underlying edge that like its bad for them to Deny Their Straightness or some other such thing and i mean some people get blatantly dismissive of their autonomy and you can tell theyre almost on a subconscious level thinking that its the natural and normal thing for women to be with men and and you shouldnt try and do anything else unless you have to or something. like its actually fine for two straight women to decide they want to spend their lives in partnership together the problem with political lesbians is/was the wider issues with the ideas of second wave radical feminism and political lesbians are just a reflection of that like can we focus on that pleaase

[thisloveforyourmom]

Yall this woman is sooo fuckin mad at me for calling her out 😭 she reblogged that last one three separate times just to 1. make sure i knew sHe WaS dOiNg HeR pHd At CaMbRiDgE 2. to call me a whore (her only other insults are bitch and cunt and considering she's angry at me for going to a historically womens college and butch lesbians for existing that checks out) and 3. make absolutey clear that me posting a magazine photoshoot was THE MOST ENTITLED THING EVER and she was actually SOOO OPPRESSED for daring to be a girly cis girl who held hands with boys at smith. And ofc she hit me with the tried and true "hows your gEnDeR sTuDiEs degree" i would like all of you to know hampshire has a birdwatching major

Like this is the kind of thing i expect from 15 year olds but she was in college in 2000 so shes like 40 😭 that said this is all exactly the kind of shit i expected her to say and since its still boring i waurnt reply unless i think of a really funny way to make fun of her. Thanks for reading

[aromantisk-fagforening]

I just read the asexual manifesto (8 pages), and I think it's kinda interesting. It is a political text, feminist, and it doesn't speak of queer identities like we do today (at least to my eyes).

It talks about (against) aphobia (towards women). And arguably, talks about sex averse/repulsed asexuals. Possibly, possibly not non-partnering.

It seems anti-fetish/anti-kink? Idk if it's that or that it's using it to mean something different than what I'm familiar with. (it says something about them no longer having fetishes after they became feminists, and that society is filled with "fetish-worshippers")

It sounds like they're saying asexuality is the most feminist (best) sexuality, which seems weird. I don't know if that's some like.. reactionary thinking, a belief that sexuality is a choice or if it's just self acceptance.

excerpts under the cut.

So this is why I'm saying it's non-partnering, sex averse/repulsed aroace, maybe alloace:

politics against acephobia, amatonormativity and misogyny/sexism:

on fetish, misogyny/sexism and allonormativity:

[divination1330]

Welcome to Bi’s Incorporated.

Your welcome package includes:

Sleep deprivation

Iced Coffee

Swords

Sweaters

Cuffed Jeans

Many new friends! :)

(However, there is a lack of fucks to give to homophobes)

Have a wonderful day!

[a-gay-a-day]

re: your post on the Asexual Manifesto, the author Lisa Orlando is very much a "political asexual" who still views Asexuality as “a choice, and an experience, not an identity.” (despite currently identifying as an Asexual Bisexual)

I'd recommend "The Asexual Agenda"s blogspot post going over it and it's history (especially because there's a screenreader friendly transcript of the Manifesto included, as someone with low vision I couldn't really comfortably read parts of the PDF)

link : asexualagenda (dot) wordpress (dot) com/2019/08/01/lisa-orlando-author-of-the-asexual-manifesto-1972/

This is great to know!

[creative-aces]

Would you LOVE to have a full book of gorgeous ace art?

Discover the vibrant and expressive world of the asexual community in “What You See,” the first-ever art book dedicated to be for aces and by aces. This collection of full-color pages showcases the diverse and heartfelt perspectives of asexual artists, celebrating pride in all its forms. From bold and powerful statements to cute and whimsical illustrations, these pages capture the spirit of the asexual community in a truly unique way.

This collection serves as a time capsule from the inaugural #AceDay on May 8th, 2015 founded by Fuck Yeah Asexual and The Asexual Blog. “What You See” is both a celebration of the past and a vision for the future, inviting readers to explore the rich and dynamic world of asexual identity and creativity.

The physical collection is available for sale here, however Amazon was refusing to update any of the metadata so I got annoyed with that so now there’s a free digital version here with updated to include Asexual Manifesto 2022: Radical Asexual Politics, 50 Years On.

[professionalscribbler]

I identify as aroace because the closest thing I have ever felt to what could be called a crush was in third grade. A boy in Sunday School kicking my leg under the table and I thought that meant he liked me. I wrote about it in my diary, only to come back the next day to find that my mom wrote an entry in my diary saying how I was too young to have a boyfriend and that God would find me a husband in his own time. Note how my crush wasn't based on his looks or his personality, like normal people.

I identify as aroace because I used to enjoy reading and watching romance movies until I started high school and started seeing real relationships. How friendships were tossed aside for romantic partners. How whole friend groups were destoryed because of who was dating who or who was whose ex. How those who had romantic relationships would spend every second with just their significant other, to the detriment of their grades. I was confused by how casually boys in my school could talk about women and wanting to date, and likewise with girls talking about their crushes. I didn't understand how I was the only one who seemed to treat school as what it actually was: a place to learn and prepare for my future.

I identify as aroace because in high school I had no friends because I was seen as the weird homeschool kid who had no social skills. And I thought to myself "If no one wants to be friends with me, why would anyone want to date me?"

I identify as aroace because my sophomore year of high school a bunch of boys made a bet in which the loser had to ask me out to the homecoming dance. It was a punishment to be seen with me at a dance. It shattered my self esteem, as well as my trust in boys who showed romantic interest in me. I then vowed to finish high school with no man by my side, and I suceeded. I dated my textbooks, and got a higher GPA than all those boys combined.

I identify as aroace because when I hit college I wrote in my planner as one of my goals "no dating until sophomore year." I worked too hard to get the scholarships I did to throw them away for a stupid boy whose only reason for dating me was to probably get in my pants.

I identify as aroace because my freshman year roommate got a boyfriend within the first month of classes, and I never trusted him. I became very protective of my roommate, because I didn't want her to get hurt by a guy she was letting herself be vulnerable with. I was confused how she could let someone so new to her life become so close to her, closer than her roomate that she was already good friends with. They broke up six months later. She got lucky because it was mutual, but they still can't really interact with each other.

I identify as aroace because my five close friends freshman year would all talk about the hot guys in the theatre department and choir, and all I could contribute was "He has a face, I guess." I couldn't answer when I was asked if I found any guys attractive.

I identify as aroace because I found a guy who seemed really nice and I liked being around him. I told my friends I enjoyed his company and they immediately started making fun of me for having a crush. I spent weeks agonizing over if it was or not, and I hated myself because I knew I didn't want to have sex with him, and I knew I didn't see him as husband material, so why did I want to be around him?

I'm aroace because I watched one of my close friends fall hard for a guy. I didn't trust him from the start, but she gave him a chance. They did things, and then he ghosted her. It took her a full year to recover from him. He emotionally wrecked her, and I had to help pick up her pieces. It got to the point where we couldn't hang out without her bringing him up at least once, and it made me confused and angry necause I couldn't wrap my head around the concept of breaking up and love like that. I was honest with her and said I didn't understand what she saw in him or how she could move so fast with someone like that, but as her friend I would always come to her defense and would never judge her, despite my confusion and lack of sight in the category of dating.

I identify as aroace because I watched my friends make a list of things they were looking for in a husband, and I couldn't make a list because I couldn't see myself getting married.

I identify as aroace because the politics of dating in my college's theatre department sicken me, and I cannot understand how people care so much about such a trivial thing as romance or sex. It feels like I'm the only one at my college who is actually at college to get a degree. I'm hauling my ass to pull 4.0s every semester, then turn around and see people older than me kissing and holding hands and dragging their significant other with them and skipping class to go get coffee with them. Why?? Why, I keep asking myself! Why do they feel the need to do that??? Why don't /I/ feel the need to do that???? What is wrong with me????

I identify as aroace because a freshman asexual came out to me my sophomore year. I felt excited because even though I wasn't sure I was ace at the time, I knew the ace community would understand my confusion for romance. And as far as I knew, she and one other girl in the junior class were the only ace people in my life. Then later she came up to me and confessed she had a crush on another freshman in our department. I knew romantic attraction and sexual attraction were two different things, but it hurt for a second to think that even the person who would most likely understand my thoughts on dating felt romantic love and wanted to date. What is /wrong/ with me?????

I identify as aroace because another theatre freshman confessed to me who he had a crush on, and my advice was to wait a few months before doing anything about to ensure it wasn't infatuation. I give advice on dating a lot for someone who's never had a boyfriend or even a real crush. People ignore my advice most of the time.

I identify as aroace because my close friend group had a falling out in which one girl went to everyone in the group except me and basically said she didn't want to be friends anymore because we weren't Christian enough for her. This was my first real friend group. It broke me. I had just began trusting people again, letting them into my life without questioning their motives. And then my worst fear came true. If my best friends could still leave me, who's to say a boyfriend wouldn't either?

I'm aroace because I went through COVID quarantine in the summer of 2020 alone. No one from school talked to me or reached out to me. My family didn't check in with me. I was suicidal, all I saw in the world was darkness. But obviously, I made it through that awful summer. But I did it ALONE. And if I can get through the worst part of my life alone. I can get through the rest of my life alone.

I'm aroace because I'm watching my younger sister get a boyfriend and suffer when he had to move five hours away. I heard my parents whisper how they thought it was for the best, since he seemed to change my sister. I'm watching my youngest sister actively crush on a boy who doesn't like her back, and she is jealous of the sister who found a boyfriend. She doesn't listen to me when I say she doesn't need a boyfriend to get through high school. I'm listening to my parents talk about my autistic brother, and they say "/Unfortunately/, he will never get married." Like singleness is a curse.

I'm aroace because I read about the Apostle Paul, who called singleness a blessing because single people can do things married people cannot, and I cried tears of joy that he felt called by God to write that down. Then I cried tears of anger because my church doesn't seem to carry that sentiment.

I am aroace because my mother refuses to believe me when I say I'm never getting married. "God has a plan for you. You would make a perfect mother." She keeps saying I'll have twins. At this point, she's manifested it enough I'm worried I'll get raped and give her her twins that way. I am not out as aroace to my parents.

I'm aroace because my ADHD makes me so forgetful and emotionally volatile, I would never find a man to settle down with who could put up with me, and I would be such an emotionally abusive mother (I'm breaking a cycle). I have accepted my mental disability as my burden to carry. I ruin my friends' and family's lives with it enough. I will not ruin anyone else's.

I'm aroace because I just watched Grease the Musical last night, and while the actors and sets and costumes were all great, I hated the story because the happy ending included Sandy changing herself so that Danny Zuko would notice her. I told that to my mother, who then relayed it to my father as my being confused about the plot because I hadn't seen the movie.

I'm aroace because my friends keep harassing me about a guy that I like spending time with, even more than the first guy, but still can't see myself dating him. We both fake argue with each other, and apparently that's flirting??? But it's not to us???? So it's not flirting then???? But we've both had several conversations with each other about how we don't romantically like each other and we see each other as brother and sister, and I looked in his eyes when he said that and they held truth. But everyone thinks we're dating. I hate it.

I'm aroace because I love my friends passionately and madly. I always say "I love you" to them, because it's true! I love them with all my heart, and I will always be true and loyal to them. I would give my life for any of them, because that's what it means when Hope says "I love you." It means "You mean the world to me. If you leave me life, I will grieve you like I lost a part of myself. Because I am completed not by a romantic partner, but by my friends. You are my romance." But they don't say it back. That's okay. I know no one reciprocates the love I have for them. Because they want romantic love. Not platonic. And I've accepted I'm the broken one. I've accepted they're scared to say "I love you" because society has made them scared to. Because society has deemed our relationship as lesser. I am lesser, even though the love I have for my friends is stronger than any love in any Hallmark movie or romance novel. My love is pure, unfettered, adoring. But it's still deemed wrong.

I'm aroace because I do not wish the curse that is me upon anyone else. I have spent my life emotionally alone, and I have worked hard to get to where I am. I don't see the need for dating in my life. Sex as a concept disturbs me. Part of my aroaceness comes from my past sufferings, my trust issues from my family and friends failing me. The other part comes from a genuine confusion and lack of attraction.

I am content in my singleness. I have friends and passions to pour my love into. One good thing about my mental disability is I feel emotions on such a stronger magnitude than most people. So when I care about something, I will show it greatly. I am married to my art, and I am fulfilled by my work, and that is enough for me.

I fully believe God has called me to be single. But if He wants me to get married, He's gonna have to have the guy chase me for miles and years.

I've just started calling myself aroace this month. Pride month. And I'm taking pride in my lack of attraction. My brokenness, according to society. Because I'm not broken.

Like OP said.

I'm whole on my own!

about a month ago, my uncle asked if I had a significant other. I appreciate his gender inclusivity, of course.

I'm used to the question. it's not like it's something outrageous that he's asking. so I simply said no, that's not for me.

he looked at me and said "well, someday." not someday maybe, just.... someday.

of course I'm not quick to anger, but there's a part of me that's a little more defensive about my aroace identity. so I jumped to my defense.

my uncle isn't a bad guy, he's quite nice and tries his best to be respectful in the current political shit storm by supporting queer people. but apparently that does exclude me, an aroace.

I reiterated that I'm just not interested in a romantic or sexual partnership, and I really do not ever see that changing.

and he said something to the effect of "it's okay if you don't want that now."

and I said, "no, it's just okay that I don't want that."

and he said that I was pessimistic. as if I was secretly searching for a relationship or a partner, but was rejecting love because I could not find one.

I calmly (with all the rage in my veins) told him "no, a life without love or sex is something optimistic for me."

he had the gall to look horrified.

I'm sick of aroace people not being seen as normal human people when they don't want the outcome of their life to look like everyone else's. I'm sick of the white picket fence, I'm sick of the assumption that everyone has another half out there.

I'm whole on my own.

[arowitharrows]

These are some links to recourses on different topics, mostly things I want to be able to find again so I'm collecting them here. Please be aware that many of these articles include discussions of queerphobia, racism or abuse. I can't put warnings on every link, so proceed with caution. This is not meant to be a complete or final list, I will most likely be editing it as time goes by.

Aspec terminology / Flags

Queerplatonic coining post on dreamwidth (x)

Sunset aroace flag original post (x)

A History Of Words Used To Describe People That Are Not Asexual (x)

Discussions of aphobia

Note: I am still waiting for the day when aphobia can be discussed without aromanticism being treated as a subcategory of asexuality.

Stonewall report on asexual discrimination, UK 2023 (x)

Scientific America article on medical stigma against asexuality, USA 2023 (x)

Article about the religious right attacking sexless marriage, USA (x)

Podcast about the religious right attacking platonic marriages and general analysis about why the religious right hate asexuality (and aromanticism), USA part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

Amatonormativity

Website of Elizabeth Brake, the coiner of the term Amatonormativity (x)

Amatonormativity in the law: an introduction, USA 2022 (x)

Opinion: I grew up in a culture that embraced physical touch. Then I came to America, Ethiopia 2023(x)

'I Dont Want To be a Playa No More': An Exploration of the Denigrating effects of 'Player' as a Stereotype Against African American Polyamorous Men (x)

Romance is not the only type of Black love that matters by Sherronda J. Brown, USA 2018 (x)

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship Anarchy, Occupy intimacy!, Spain 2020 (x) also available in Spanish and catalan

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy (x)

Tumblr post with multiple links about relationship anarchy (x)

Marriage and being Single

Ted talk: how romance and capitalism could destroy our future, 2014 (x)

The escalating costs of being single in America, USA 2021 (x)

Unmarried equality, many articles about discrimination against single people. USA focused (x)

No Shelter for Singles: The Perceived Legitimacy of Marital Status Discrimination, USA 2011 (x)

Loveless Aro

I Am Not Voldemort: An Essay on Love and Amatonormativity (x)

Aroworlds loveless Aro friendly fiction collection (x)

Loveless Aro experiences and explanations (post0 aurea article post 1 post 2 post 3 post 4 post 5 post 6)

[prototypesteve]

Valid. With or without validation. (A before there was an A.)

Asexuals, aromantics, and everyone else on the aspec are valid, and were valid even before we had a name for what we were.

In May of 1971, I was born different. There wasn’t a name for it. (The committee who wrote the Asexual Manifesto wouldn’t even form for another year and four months.) I was valid, but there wasn’t even a way to say what about me was valid.

In June of 1989, I graduated from High School. I was barely 18. I was still different. But in all those years, I’d never encountered the words aromantic or asexual. (Instead, I heard words like frigid, weird, secret f-g, psycho, virgin, and sheltered). In Career And Life Management class, where sex education was a brief module, they didn’t even mention X on the Kinsey Scale. We were told it was 1 to 6. Period. (I didn’t check, because I was X on the Kinsey Scale, which meant I didn’t care about things like the Kinsey Scale.) They managed to find a way to invalidate me without even naming the things they were invalidating!

By April of 1993, I graduated from college, still different. Now I was hearing kinder guess-names for what I was: Busy, focused, fussy, pure, a late-bloomer, and undecided. But I still hadn’t heard words like aromantic or asexual. I was at an art school. I heard all the other words. I saw people living all the other words. I saw bi couples, I had gay and lesbian friends and instructors, I had a pansexual classmate, and knew someone who was almost certainly pre-transition trans. I was aromantic and asexual but I had no way of finding those words, or being rescued from my confusion by those words. By this point, I didn’t even need validation, anymore. I just wanted understanding.

But I got sent out into the world, to go start my career, and figure out apartments, cars, taxes, utilities, setting up a business, and a million other adult things that took “housed-or-homeless” priority over “figuring out what was ‘wrong’ with me”. So, even though there were murmurs on the right talk shows, or screeds in the right ink-and-paper offline zines about asexuality and aromanticism, they weren’t in mainstream or sidestream discourse. I had to settle for “different, busy, and single-minded about his career”.

It would take until late 2022—over 29 years after I left college and 51 years after I was born—before I started noticing social media posts about “aroace” characters who didn’t feel love.

Now I had a name for my difference.

I knew exactly what I was, because everything I read about asexuality and aromanticism perfectly matched and explained the experiences I’d had, and the feelings I’d felt, since I first noticed I was different at age 12!

I’d been valid all that time. I saw the other posts saying we didn’t belong in this or that community, and the names should be broken up into more categories, and we were taking up space at pride festivals, and this was a made up thing that didn’t exist prior to… oh, fuck it, it didn’t matter. I was aromantic and asexual on the day I was born in 1971; before those two words were available to ordinary people. I was real, I was who I was, and I was valid, and even though I wasn’t allowed to know what I was for another five decades full of trauma and loss and hurt, I always was who I was, and so I always was valid, regardless of whether or not anyone else agreed.

And so are you.