#like you know when you look up your own post on your own blog and it doesnt show up???? bugs me sm

[introvertbard]

@fairykukla I just realized I typed this huge thing up on the wrong blog, so if I've reblogged your stuff already from my writing blog, sorry! Also, my post has been HEAVILY updated to account for preindustrial armies, camp followers, and "everyone who knows anything about horses is begging people to at least look at the Wikipedia page about ''medieval warhorses!' Stop using modern, chunky, and ridiculously tall farm-horses like Shires and Percherons as the "noble destriers" of medieval times!" https://www.tumblr.com/jadevine/739342239113871360/now-for-a-key-aspect-that-many-people-often-ask

Remember that in True Grit, Blackie most likely didn't cover a 40-mile trek to reach a doctor--he collapses after the first day, and Rooster has to shoot him for a mercy-kill before he and Mattie continue on foot. This is likely because Blackie was overloaded with two riders, one of whom was critically injured.

You have:

-Rooster, a middle-aged/old man (in his forties in the book, and played by actors in their sixties in the movies). He can ride, but he will not have his former endurance from when he was twenty or thirty. Rooster is also busy HOLDING MATTIE ON THE HORSE, because she's been bitten by a snake and can't ride properly. In the 2010 version, after Blackie's died and Rooster has to run the normal way, he can't even make that last sprint to the house they come across: He has to shoot his gun to wake everyone up and he just wheezes, "I have grown old."

-Mattie, a teenager suffering a snakebite. Mattie is fourteen and she might be lighter than a grown woman, but snakebites mean you CANNOT exert yourself too much, or you will die faster... like, say, with horse-riding. After a few hours, the OTHER problem with snakebite happens: Mattie starts hallucinating. This makes her as good as a sack of potatoes on a horse.

I would guess the group covered a regular 20-30 miles on horse, and after Blackie died, they went that last 10 or so miles on foot. But the end result is the same--at a given point, you are drenched in sweat, EVERYTHING in your body hurts, and at some point you will not be able to put one foot in front of the other anymore.

Many historical writers refer to a horse being "blown" or "blown out" when it's at this point, but just as many writers bluntly say "the horse collapsed," or "the horse couldn't go any longer."

Also, while we're talking about Westerns and horses, here's a terrible writing note to keep in mind: SOMETIMES HORSES GET NOSEBLEEDS FROM HEAVY EXERTION. If you really need that grimness for a (near-)death scene--or alternately, if you need a clear and emphatic sign that your character's horse is in trouble and YOU NEED TO STOP MOVING THIS INSTANT--then throw a nosebleed into the scene, and riders in the audience will know that You Mean Business.

When you ride a horse to death (both theirs and your own), it's an ugly death.

But if you, the writer, don't WANT your character/character's-horse to die, you just need them to STOP RIGHT NOW, STOPPPPP--and they will recover in time. That help might be full-on bedrest (RIDING A HORSE IS A FUCKING WORKOUT!!!), or it might "just" be getting someone to cook/buy food, support them while they limp around to the bathroom and kitchen, etc. Being fit and prime-aged will help a LOT with recovery!

Teens and young adults can bounce back amazingly fast, if nothing's broken or bleeding. They could easily start recovering to the level of "household tasks and basic horse care" in a few days. But a very young child who hasn't hit puberty yet, or an older person who's starting to collect gray hairs or wrinkles, is probably gonna be closer to the "full bedrest" side of recovery for a while.

If you are LESS LUCKY, you'll recover... just not to your former abilities. I keep repeating this, but riding is a full-body workout! I imagine you can basically say ANYTHING got knocked around, and it won't work right anymore.

"The Character's legs hurt. They can still walk and ride, but for long trips or hard gallops, they need painkillers / rest."

"The Character's lungs are worn out--if they start wheezing, pull them off the fucking horse, or they'll fall off."

"The Character rode their horse for so long that they fell and hit their head. They mostly got better, but [insert concussion or traumatic brain injury]."

"The Character rode their horse for so long that that they fell and broke their arm/leg. They need a brace/cane now."

And for emotional trauma where your MIND got knocked around and won't work right, it's entirely possible to say that, "Character didn't want to ride anymore." or "Character stopped riding after their horse died, and it took them years to get another one."

Modern riders are constantly dealing with emotional trauma after an accident, so in preindustrial times where horses were both EXPENSIVE and NECESSARY, that trauma would be especially deep.

Preindustrial travel, and long explanations on why different distances are like that

I saw a post on my main blog about how hiking groups need to keep pace with their slowest member, but many hikers mistakenly think that the point of hiking is "get from Point A to Point B as fast as possible" instead of "spending time outdoors in nature with friends," and then they complain that a new/less-experienced/sick/disabled hiker is spoiling their time-frame by constantly needing breaks, or huffing and puffing to catch up.

I run into a related question of "how long does it take to travel from Point A to Point B on horseback?" a lot, as a fantasy writer who wants to be SEMI-realistic; in the Western world at least, our post-industrial minds have largely forgotten what it's like to travel, both on our own feet and in groups.

People ask the new writer, "well, who in your cast is traveling? Is getting to Point B an emergency or not? What time of year is it?", and the newbies often get confused as to why they need so much information for "travel times." Maybe new writers see lists of "preindustrial travel times" like a primitive version of Google Maps, where all you need to do is plug in Point A and Point B.

But see, Google Maps DOES account for traveling delays, like different routes, constructions, accidents, and weather; you as the person will also need to figure in whether you're driving a car versus taking a bus/train, and so you'll need to figure out parking time or waiting time for the bus/train to actually GET THERE.

The difference between us and preindustrial travelers is that 1) we can outsource the calculations now, 2) we often travel for FUN instead of necessity.

The general rule of thumb for preindustrial times is that a healthy and prime-aged adult on foot, or a rider/horse pair of fit and prime-aged adults, can usually make 20-30 miles per day, in fair weather and on good terrain.

Why is this so specific? Because not everyone in preindustrial times was fit, not everyone was healthy, not everyone was between the ages of 20-35ish, and not everyone had nice clear skies and good terrain to travel on.

If you are too far below 18 years old or too far past 40, at best you will need either a slower pace or more frequent breaks to cover the same distance, and at worst you'll cut the travel distance in half to 10 or so miles. Too much walking is VERY BAD on too-young/old knees, and teenagers or very short adults may just have short legs even if they're fine with 8-10 hours of actual walking. Young children may get sick of walking and pitch a fit because THEY'RE TIREDDDDDDDDDD, and then you might need to stay put while they cry it out, or an adult may sigh and haul them over their shoulder (and therefore be weighed down by about 50lbs of Angry Child).

Heavy forests, wetlands and rocky hills/mountains are also going to be a much shorter "distance." For forests or wetlands, you have to account for a lot of villagers going "who's gonna cut down acres of trees for one road? NOT ME," or "who's gonna drain acres of swamp for one road? NOT ME." Mountainous regions have their traveling time eaten by going UP, or finding a safer path that goes AROUND.

If you are traveling in winter or during a rainstorm (and this inherently means you HAVE NO CHOICE, because nobody in preindustrial times would travel in bad weather if they could help it), you run the high risk of losing your way and then dying of exposure or slipping and breaking your neck, just a few miles out of the town/village.

And now for the upper range of "traveling on horseback!"

Fully mounted groups can usually make 30-40 miles per day between Point A and Point B, but I find there are two unspoken requirements: "Point B must have enough food for all those people and horses," and "the mounted party DOESN'T need to keep pace with foot soldiers, camp followers, or supply wagons."

This means your mounted party would be traveling to 1) a rendezvous point like an ally's camp or a noble's castle, or 2) a town/city with plenty of inns. Maybe they're not literally going 30-40 miles in one trip, but they're scouting the area for 15-20 miles and then returning to their main group. Perhaps they'd be going to an allied village, but even a relatively small group of 10-20 warhorses will need 10-20 pounds of grain EACH and 20-30 pounds of hay EACH. 100-400 pounds of grain and 200-600 pounds of hay for the horses alone means that you need to stash supplies at the village beforehand, or the village needs to be a very large/prosperous one to have a guaranteed large surplus of food.

A dead sprint of 50-60 miles per day is possible for a preindustrial mounted pair, IF YOU REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO. Moreover, that is for ONE day. Many articles agree that 40 miles per day is already a hard ride, so 50-60 miles is REALLY pushing the envelope on horse and rider limits.

NOTE: While modern-day endurance rides routinely go for 50-100 miles in one day, remember that a preindustrial rider will not have the medical/logistical support that a modern endurance rider and their horse does.

If you say "they went fifty miles in a day" in most preindustrial times, the horse and rider's bodies will get wrecked. Either the person, their horse, or both, risk dying of exhaustion or getting disabled from the strain.

Whether you and your horse are fit enough to handle it and "only" have several days of defenselessness from severe pain/fatigue (and thus rely on family/friends to help you out), or you die as a heroic sacrifice, or you aren't QUITE fit enough and become disabled, or you get flat-out saved by magic or another rider who volunteers to go the other half, going past 40 miles in a day is a "Gondor Calls For Aid" level of emergency.

As a writer, I feel this kind of feat should be placed VERY carefully in a story: Either at the beginning to kick the plot off, at the climax to turn the tide, or at the end.

Preindustrial people were people--some treated their horses as tools/vehicles, and didn't care if they were killed or disabled by pushing them to their limits, but others very much cared for their horses. They needed to keep them in working condition for about 15-20 years, and they would not dream of doing this without a VERY good reason.

[torturedtypewritersdept]

blue eyes + bruises - blurb - she has your eyes

✯ pairing:

doctor!rafe cameron x fem!reader

✯ summary:

a tragic car accident looks like it'll be the end for you, but dr. cameron is here to make sure that doesn't happen.

✯ warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, and fear, car accident, death of a spouse (not rafe or y/n), major surgery, injuries, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity back in 2021/2022 and i have rewritten + reshared it here :) the next chapter i spent literally so much time on and i can't wait to share it!!!!

You stood at the reception area of the emergency department, an olive green smock-style dress draped over your form as you held the underside of your nine-month-old belly in an attempt to ease the pain of the fifth contraction you’d had in the past hour. You squeezed your eyes shut again as another wave of pain passed over you. 

“Can you page Dr. Rafe Cameron, please?” 

You asked the nurse through clenched teeth who you weren’t familiar with; ‘she must be a new grad’ you thought to yourself. Where’s Jenni when you really need her?

“I sure can, may I ask what he needs to be paged for?” 

You couldn’t blame this newly hired nurse for her question, you were sure that she was wondering why a woman who looked to be in active labor was wanting her to page an orthopedic surgeon. You knew it was procedure unless you were family for them to ask what the doctor was needed for and if you were in your right mind, you would’ve recognized that. But, you weren’t in your right mind – the not sleeping because of the pain in your pelvis was getting to you and with Rafe working days so he could be at home with you at night, there was no way you could wake him up and ask him to do the massage that the physical therapist had taught you. You let out an exasperated sigh and just as you did, Jenni, your most favorite person in the entire world, turned the corner. You were anxious for many reasons; your body about to push out a baby was first on the list, needing to find your husband was second, and the third, and most looming dreadfully, was the fact that apart from lunches and picking your husband up and doctor’s appointments, you hadn’t been in the hospital in a long time – you hadn’t been a patient in a long time and the anxiety of it all was threatening to overtake you completely.

“Ma’am, what does he need to be paged for?” 

The new grad nurse, who you now realized was named Lizzie, asked you again at the same time that Jenni made her way behind the desk. As you read her name tag – you hyper fixated on whether or not it was short for Elizabeth or something else. You and Rafe had thrown around the name Elizabeth for a middle name – a tribute to the eldest Cameron girl, but had decided against it. You wanted your sweet baby to be unique and to grow into her own name, not be in the shadow of someone else’s. 

“Hey, sweet girl, are you looking for Dr. Handsome?” 

She joked, knowing who you had been asking for before even hearing the contents of the conversation in front of her. 

“Yeah.” 

You spoke meekly and Jenni watched you carefully as you squeezed your eyes shut, this time doubling over and yelling out as the contraction attempted to bring you to your knees. She quickly made her way over to you, grabbing your hand in hers and taking your hospital bag from your shoulders, doing her best to bring you back to an upright position. 

“I think we’re having this sweet baby, today, mama.” 

You gingerly nodded with fear stricken eyes. Being back here – in a place where you spent so much of your time – where you met your husband, but also where you struggled to walk again, where you almost died; it all has quickly become too much to handle and you needed Rafe to remind you of the strength it gave you, the beautiful little girl you were about to bring into this world, and the wonderful life it had helped you create. You just needed him and you just needed him now. 

“I can’t do it without him, Jenni. I need you to find him.” 

Your pleading eyes told her all she needed to know – you were scared – and she hadn’t seen you look this way in a long time. 

“Lizzie, call the OR and let Dr. Cameron know that his wife is in labor.” 

She instructed, tone forceful but kind before she looked back at you. 

“Look at me, mama. He’s gonna be with you soon, I promise. But, right now, I’m gonna take you up to Dr. Lebel’s office, okay?” 

It only made sense to move your OB-GYN’s office to the hospital; Rafe worked here and it made attending appointments much easier. Not to mention, he no longer likes the idea of you in a car by yourself, even five years after your accident. You nodded your head at Jenni’s words and let her lead you to the elevator and up to the fourth floor, where Dr. Lebel’s office was located. 

-

You were in the waiting room for ten minutes when Rafe came barreling through the door. You couldn’t help but giggle at how disheveled he was – still draped in the same scrubs he had left the house in that morning; but hair messy and all over the place, and that fucking mustache; even nine months pregnant and in extreme pain, it was heating up your core. You made grabby hands at him like a baby and he obliged with the Rafe Cameron smile, pulling you in for a hug and rubbing your back with both of his hands. 

“Hi, mama. What’s going on, sweetheart?” 

He asked, sweetly, happy to see you, of course, but concerned by the tone of voice Lizzie used when she called the operating room. He quickly got another doctor to step in and finish the surgery he was performing so he could be with you just in case your little bean decided to make her debut into the world, today of all days. 

“I didn’t sleep at all last night.” 

You said, moving to sit back down into the chair as another contraction made its way into your atmosphere, yet again. You doubled over, the pain was growing sharper each time and they were becoming closer together. You knew you were going to meet your baby girl very soon. Rafe moved quickly, grabbing your hands so you didn’t fall forward and scooting you back into the chair that sat in a sea of ones just like it in the somewhat empty waiting room. You opened your eyes as the wave of pain passed and you panted for breath, the fullness of your belly moved up and down with the correlation of your breasts as your lungs expanded to try and get more air. Rafe waited with kind eyes and a patient tongue, letting you finish explaining what was going on before opening his mouth to speak. 

“I tossed and turned all night – the pain in my pelvis – it was just too much.” 

You let out an exasperated sigh, growing quiet as you waited for him to respond. His strong hands moved to your head as he began to rub soothing circles into your hair. The two of you were no strangers to the effects that the accident had on your pregnancy and pelvic pain from the previously crushed bones that Rafe reorchestrated and seemingly put back together was one of them. He was proactive; getting you quickly into prenatal physical therapy by the end of your first trimester and going to every appointment with you, listening to the physical therapist and massaging your hips in the way you liked so much every time he could. 

“Why didn’t you wake me up, baby? I would’ve done that massage you like.” 

He spoke and you almost melted, knowing that had you just woke him, the thing you wanted was what he would’ve done anyways; how very – Rafe Cameron of him.  

“I didn’t want to wake you, sweet boy. I knew you had to work.” 

You replied, cupping his cheek. 

“Yeah, but you’re more important than anything here. You know that, mama. You and my sweet girl in your little tummy are so much more important.” 

Rafe was selfless and if Molly’s death taught him anything, it was not to take the ones you love for granted. That was something he never intended to do again and it was a lesson that had stuck with him, even seven years later. You put your forehead to his and he kissed your nose before you continued with the events of the morning. 

“Anyways, the pain spread from my hips to my tummy this morning and when I had five contractions in an hour, I came in. I think we’re about to have a baby.” 

He almost squealed in excitement. 

“I can’t wait, mama. My girl is giving me a baby girl.” 

He spoke in content as the door flung open and the nurse called your name for you to come back and see the doctor. Rafe stood and grabbed your hand, helping you move to your feet ever so slowly, the nine-month-old bump you sported made you teeter and the last thing he wanted was for you to fall. His protective hands guided you through the threshold of the door. 

-

You made your way to the room after the nurse noted that your blood pressure was a little bit elevated. You shook that off quickly, the anxiety of giving birth and the pain that had been coursing through your body all night made it make sense. Rafe helped you onto the table and the nurse gently draped the cloth over your lower half, lifting your dress to just below your breasts as Dr. Lebel came in. 

“I heard you’re not feeling the greatest, mama.” 

Rafe gingerly nodded as he met her eyes. He had placed himself on a stool at your head, rubbing soothing circles into your hair once more, the hand of yours that was closest to him was squeezing his – the anxiety coursing heavily through your veins. One thing had never changed about you and that was your need for his touch in a crisis. He loved that about you. While he couldn’t physically help because babies weren’t his specialty, he could soothe you with his touch and that’s what he intended to do. 

“Her contractions are getting closer and closer.” 

Rafe spoke into the air and the doctor nodded. 

“Well, let’s take a look at our girl, shall we?” 

You looked at Rafe who gave you a smile before eagerly nodding at your doctor. One special thing that Rafe developed during your pregnancy was the way he smiled ear-to-ear every time he saw his little girl on the ultrasound screen. He was giddy – like that of a giggling little girl; he never could get over the fact that because of you, because of Molly’s orchestration of him finding you, he was married to the love of his life and he was about to get to be the daddy to the world’s most perfect little girl. 

“Jelly’s gonna be a little cold.” 

She brought the bottle over your belly, squirting it and watching as it gently fell on to your tan skin. You squirmed under the chill of the gel and Rafe giggled. After nine months of ultrasounds, your reaction was still the same – even though you had felt the icy-like drop of the gel as it descended down to your belly more times than he could count on his hands, you always, always, expected it not to be cold. He marked it up to you expecting the good in everything; even this tiny detail about cold gel made him love you more than he did the second previously. His eyes went from the doctor to the screen as she dutifully began to spread the gel around your abdomen and your baby girl appeared on the screen. Her heartbeat was the symphony and yours was the orchestra; one couldn’t co-exist without the other. You were thankful that through all the fear of the morning, her heartbeat was still there. It meant she was good, it meant she was safe. Tears lined your eyes as you turned your head to look at Rafe, the sheet of paper draped over the pillow crinkling as you met his eyes. He smiled and leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead. 

“She’s okay, baby. Look at her moving around, she’s perfect.” 

He said pointing at the screen. Dr. Lebel was quiet for a moment before locking eyes with Rafe and speaking only with her eyes, something only doctors seemed to know how to do. Rafe knew what it meant – it meant something wasn’t right. 

“What is it, doc?” 

He asked, nonchalantly but his tone was laced with concern. Your eyes went wide. 

“I-is something wrong?” 

You stuttered. Which Rafe knew meant your anxiety was reaching a peak of no return, rapidly. 

“Slow down, nothing is wrong. We don’t want to scare you, mama. Baby girl is measuring at nine pounds – like we discussed previously, with the previous crush injury to your pelvis, a nine pound baby is going to be extremely rough on your body; it may even re-break your pelvis. The pelvis loosens quite a bit in a normal person, but because of the pins and screws in yours, I don’t want to risk reinjury.” 

Rafe’s eyes almost popped out of his head at the thought of your tiny bones breaking for the second time in order to bring your daughter into the world. The worst part was, he knew you’d be fine with that, he knew you’d go to that length to ensure that a c-section wasn’t necessary because if he knew anything about you it was that you didn’t want anyone besides him operating on you – you didn’t trust anyone besides him to. It made sense, he had been the one to repeatedly bring you through surgery over and over, it was him who laid with you and held you close so you’d know you weren’t alone all those late nights in the hospital. You were scared, you were experiencing post-traumatic stress and there was little to nothing he could do about it. But, he knew for damn sure that he was not going to let your first chance at motherhood be spent the way your days in the hospital were – you were going to enjoy this if he had anything to do with it and you deserved that much. 

“So, what do you suggest, doc? What are our options here? I know she’s pretty dead set on a vaginal birth, is that still possible?”

Rafe questioned her with intent – he needed to know what the odds were that your pelvis wasn’t going to break into pieces right in front of him. 

“It’s possible, but the outcomes are extremely grim. Rafe, you know what happens when a pelvis splinters, she’s risking internal bleeding. Not to mention, the significant amount of pain she will already be in as a new mom. We don’t need to add emergency surgery to fix broken bones to that. I would suggest a c-section. I know that’s not in your plan, but it is the safer option.” 

You looked to Rafe with pleading eyes, begging him not to make you do this. 

“I’m going to step out and let you guys talk about it for a few minutes.” 

Dr. Lebel said, giving the both of you a reassuring smile before stepping out and closing the door behind her. 

“Rafferty, please don’t make me do this.” 

You whispered, your voice cracking as the emotion of it all overcame you. Nothing hurt Rafe more than that sound, but he knew he had to give you some tough love in this situation to protect you. 

“Come on, mama. You had to use my government name and the conversation has barely started?” 

It was a half-joke, he needed you to smile so you’d know – so he’d know that this would all be okay and at the end of the day you would have a healthy baby. But, a smile is not what he got. Instead, he watched as your lip trembled and he lurched forward, pulling you into his arms, your belly creating distance between you. It was almost as if the sweet girl inside you was giving her input into the situation. 

“Rafe, c-can’t you just – c-can’t you fix it if it breaks?” 

He was taken aback by your question, though he shouldn’t have been. He knew you like the back of his hand and he knew this was the eerie and winding path your brain would go down. He wished so badly that your brain would give you a break and that for once it would follow the yellow brick road – the normal path of thinking. But, anxiety is anxiety and he knew it well, no matter what the doctor had said, you were going to be anxious because this was a monumental life event for the both of you and him wishing things were different wouldn’t change that. 

“No, mama. I can’t. It could splinter and make you bleed internally. It could kill you baby and as much as I love you and want to make you comfortable, I have my boundaries too, baby – watching you die is not on my to-do list for today. Not to mention, I can’t – I won’t – let you enter motherhood unable to walk and in intense pain; that’s not fair to you or little bean. She needs her mama and she needs her mama whole and healthy, okay?” 

You could only whimper as you nodded in response. 

- 

Only an hour later, you were laying on your back on an operating table, arms spread wide, tied to the table in the shape of a crucifix. Rafe sat on a rolling stool at your head, his regular blue surgical garb adorned his body and his hands sat on top of your head. You looked up at him with fear stricken eyes as the doctors and nurses worked around you, moving the contents of your stomach out of it in an attempt to get to your baby girl. 

“Rafe, I’m scared.” 

You whispered and he stood, peering his eyes down and over the mask that sat on his face until they met yours. 

“I know, baby. But, it’s okay. Not much longer, now.” 

Those blue orbs were the only thing that grounded you as you heard the faintest cry, that managed to get louder and louder by the second. He brought his forehead to yours and you breathed out a breath of relief. 

“Our girl has arrived, mama.” 

He muttered and you smiled softly at the thought. 

“Rafe, go with her.” 

You demanded and he nodded his head as they took her to the incubator in the corner of the room, working quickly to rid her of the contents of your blood and fluid. As quickly as he had left, he returned to your side with tears in his eyes as he brought your daughter to your chest and allowed you to place kisses to her tiny pink button nose. She was the perfect mixture of you and Rafe; his nose, your cheeks, his hair, your lips, and just as you were committing her features to memory she blinked her eyes open. They were the same cerulean blue of her father’s and you thanked your lucky star’s the one prayer you had sent up had become reality. 

“Rafe, she has your eyes.” 

He mewled at the small fact as he took her from your arms, holding her head in his palm and placing his other hand on her tiny bottom. He bounced her for only a moment, letting tears cascade down his face as the harsh reality hit him that even though he had lost Molly, he had gained all the things he ever prayed for in the end. He placed his forehead against hers, taking in her scent, scared that he’d never smell it again. 

“Millie June Cameron. Hi, baby. I’m your daddy.” 

He cooed. 

taglist:

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[cupidhoons]

it's weird how you aren't speaking out for the fact that you are using a zionist for your fics. shouldn't you be apologizing or at least acknowledging it? the lack of maturity you have 😭 girl just deleted it and didn't even apologize for it.

perfect timing actually anon! i have a whole post drafted on it in my google docs but i can assure you it's not me apologizing for defending myself against writers accusing me of such things. while i do acknowledge my mistake of not being educated enough on lana del rey and her practically begging the president to fund the genocide, i hope you guys do realize that equating me to being a zionist from this situation is just as insensitive and ignorant.

i urge you guys to read my side on this & understand why me and my two other mutuals are upset.

hi guys! as you all know (or assuming that many of you know) that recently i am being accused of supporting zionism/being called a zionist in general by multiple writers on tumblr. before i go on to defending and dropping screenshots of what actually happened & going on to explain my side of the story, let's take a look at the definition of zionism & why it is absolutely NOT okay to throw it around so lightly.

ZIONISM is not only the general term of supporting israel, but also the term that supports the national ethnic cleansing of palestine, which equates to killing all muslims. (defined by @pshbites or more known as kaia & her other muslim friends who grew up knowing that this is what this word meant.) 

READ ANOTHER DEFINITION FROM JEWISH VOICE FOR PEACE (LINK): “While it had many strains historically, the Zionism that took hold and stands today is a settler-colonial movement, establishing an apartheid state where Jews have more rights than others. Our own history teaches us how dangerous this can be.

Palestinian dispossession and occupation are by design. Zionism has meant profound trauma for generations, systematically separating Palestinians from their homes, land, and each other. Zionism, in practice, has resulted in massacres of Palestinian people, ancient villages and olive groves destroyed, families who live just a mile away from each other separated by checkpoints and walls, and children holding onto the keys of the homes from which their grandparents were forcibly exiled.”

i also urge you to check for more information on kaia’s blog & her personal take on this.

so, now that we know what it means & why it's such a loaded word, let's take a look at what the situation at hand looked/looks like:

the other day i posted a sunghoon fic titled “ultraviolence” inspired by lana del rey’s song (it's now changed to “pictures of us, which was my original title for the fic but thought it didn't quite fit the vibe). now, why is this a problem? because i'm apparently “promoting” an artist that begged the president to fund the genocide in gaza, when NOWHERE in my work stated that you should stream lana’s song, become a fan of her’s, and also support/fund a genocide. 

while i do admit that i handled the “anons” (and i put in quotes bc i know for a fact they were ppl who i knew sent them in) terribly and also explained my own personal thoughts and feelings on this topic badly, my words should not be twisted and blown out of proportion to the point where people can freely accuse me of being part of such a horrible and disgusting group of people.

however, that's only the general situation. the real problem for me was when yesterday morning at exactly 7:22am (this timestamp is important for what i'm about to say later on), okwonyos or better known as jiah, texted me, letting me know that she saw the way i responded to the anon & accused me of “actively supporting” someone who “begged the president to fund the killing of millions of children, women, and men of palestine.” (see screenshots below)

now, you guys may think that she's only doing what's right & willingly called out a mutual for not having her morals straight, but to be blankly accusing someone of being a zionist when i've been it clear that i stand with palestine & basically saying i'm stupid does not sit right with me. 

her saying that she “isn't going to try and make me gain common sense” was so off topic & so unnecessary to bring up & could've left it at me having my own take on separating the art from the artist, which to many people on blr, “does not exist.” but if separating the art from the artist does not exist, then shouldn't we boycott enhypen too? shouldn't we also stop writing and supporting enhypen too? because last time i checked enhypen, and along with many other groups/artists, are underneath zionist companies. so with that logic, should we just stop consuming content from enhypen and our favorite groups/artists all in all? because if we are going by this logic, then we’re ALL zionists and we are all PROMOTING zionism. 

another thing is when she says “it's weird that you barely talked about what was happening in palestine until it was to defend a zionist.” ??? defending a zionist WHERE exactly? i told the “anons” i received a day before this conversation that i am not a hardcore lana del rey fan, and again, nowhere did i say that i was defending lana & her actions of again, wanting the preseident to fund a genocide. keep in mind also, that she DOES NOT know me personally & that i was NEVER close to her nor did i EVER consider her a FRIEND, so she (along with other writers) has no right to accuse me of “not speaking up about palestine” enough. 

so the fact that im being known as a supporter killing innocent lives of people in the enhablr community when the fact is that i've spoken up about it numerous times in my personal life & have encouraged many people in my life to donate and spread the daily click all because i don't “reblog enough” about it sits weird to me. not only that, but it also gives me the vibe that many writers on tumblr—weather it's true or not—thinks of this genocide as a trend and does it as “preformative activism” for the sake of not wanting to lose followers. (kaia’s post touches more on this too)

now obviously, i did reply to her message and did go back and forth with her for some time while i was present in school. me, being offended & GREATLY angered by her choice of words & going as far as associating me with such people, rightfully called her out on it & brought up the fact that her saying that isn't “cute” or right at all. but clearly, this was all read wrong & i wasnt able to explain or expand on it properly because i was simultaneously also in my homeroom speaking with my friends! 

and i know, someone is going to bring up the fact that i shouldn't have responded immediately or that i could've responded later in my day, but keep in mind that if i didnt, i probably would've been blocked anyway without getting the chance to explain myself properly. i cant help but feel that they messaged me purposefully during that time because they know i would be defenseless either way. 

im going to tell it straight now and say that i know i am in the wrong for not being able to explain myself properly & not touching on these points more in the moment, but i had absolutely NO time throughout the day to explain myself as i was blocked almost immediately by everyone, which says a lot, especially when one of the mutuals who blocked me right after that conversation was close to me & who i even considered my friend. 

besides that however, i will say this once more & once again that i am NOT what numerous people on tumblr think i am & none of you guys know me at all personally either. you guys can believe what you want about this situation, but i urge you all to get to know both sides at the very least before following what bigger writers say. im not doing this to maintain my following or even gain more followers, i just don't appreciate people calling & associating me with a group of people that i am so against. i don't at all appreciate people assuming they know me and my character all so well when absolutely none of them have ever bothered to reach out to me and even get to know me. 

but yes anon, go ahead and tell me how immature i am & say it with your full chest how i am a zionist for simply using a popular song that everyone has heard one way or another as my title on my fic!

[maul-of-shame]

The lady doth protest too much, methinks! Perhaps you should focus on acing your exams so you can get a job instead of writing 10,000 words on 'Haladriels Make Me Mad and I Need to Make Them Look Bad (Because No One Including Amazon The Writers and The Actors Care About MY Ship Elrondriel)'

Is it not rather interesting that you and valar-did-me-wrong publish all the anon asks you get, but not the hateful asks? How convenient that you both deleted them all! And then you lot turn around and accuse muslim POC haladriels of racism? We know you are liars.

BREAKING NEWS: Obsessed Clown Caught Doing Math! 🤡📏

The fact that you sat there, meticulously counting the words in my so-called "Haladriel rants" like some unhinged scribe in Sauron's library is wildly embarrassing. Did you use an abacus? A spreadsheet? Whisper each word under your breath with a single tear rolling down your cheek?

I don't need to make anyone look bad—they're already doing a stellar job of that all on their own. It's not my fault that some shippers can’t keep their ship afloat and are jumping from one sinking vessel to the next like it’s a game of "Who Can Self-Destruct Faster." I don’t need to lift a finger to make anyone look bad. The spotlight's already on them, and they’re doing all the work themselves.

Imagine being this pressed over fictional elves while simultaneously proving you're the one obsessed. You’re not debunking anything, you're just doing unpaid data entry for my fan opinions. Hope the internship at "Pathetic & Pressed Ltd." pays well.

The desperation is showing. You’re grasping at straws so hard I can hear them snapping from here.

First of all—since you clearly didn’t do your research before launching into this unhinged diatribe—I do have a job. Multiple, actually. I'm doing studies cause I WANTED to get back in school and have this added to the rest of my diplomas. I have validated my bilingual status three times. I speak and read 6 languages. I volunteer in local associations and charities. I run small businesses, I have online shops, I’m getting published for my writing and my art, and, funny enough, all of that still leaves me enough time to indulge in fandom fun. Imagine that! A person being able to do more than one thing at a time! What a concept!

Meanwhile, you’re out here acting like I am the one dedicating my life to policing ships, when you’re the one who showed up on my blog with a full thesis-length tantrum over fictional elves. Let that sink in.

Secondly, I have not deleted all my asks—because, unlike you, I don’t need to play revisionist history.

The hateful ones were posted, discussed, screenshotted, some shared in servers and with friends. So the idea that I’m hiding anything? Try again loser. You’re just stuck in your little echo chamber, refusing to acknowledge that many people—not just me—have talked about the racism, harassement, and toxicity within your corner of the fandom. But that’s what this is really about, isn’t it? You don’t want to acknowledge it. You’d rather deflect, distract, and double down than actually engage with reality.

And the best part? You came on anon because you know if your account was exposed, people would see you for the pathetic little vulture you are—hovering around, aching for attention, salivating over the idea of stirring up drama. You are not some brave warrior for truth. You’re just another pathetic, whiny little coward, skulking behind the safety of anonymity because you know that if your actual account was attached to this nonsense, you’d be clowned into oblivion.

Your mama must be so proud. Assuming she even knows she raised someone this chronically online.

Oh, and that dig about the actors and writers not caring about Elrondriel? You really had to bring it up to try and prove a point, huh? Dude, if it didn’t matter at all, you wouldn’t be this pressed about it. You are literally flailing in rage over a ship that lives in your head rent-free, and that’s hilarious.

People do not owe you a goddamn livestream of their suffering just to satisfy your insatiable need for proof. No one is required to put their pain on public display like some medieval spectacle just because you, a random, miserable little anon, demand it. What you really want isn’t proof. What you want is a reason to dismiss, diminish, and invalidate other people’s experiences so you can keep playing the victim while simultaneously being the aggressor. You want to act like an unhinged little vulture, circling around waiting for something to tear apart.

But let’s be honest—if you hate what I post so much, why are you always here? Refreshing, lurking, obsessing? You don’t just dislike me, you’re invested. And that’s what makes this even funnier. You’re not just mad—you’re a fan. A seething, bitter little fan who can’t look away.

Get a life. Preferably one that doesn’t revolve around throwing a fit over people enjoying fictional characters.

You're pathetic.

[rubyjones]

This is highly misleading to add. It's really not true.

Look, I hate Amazon's monopoly, but here are some truths to bear in mind:

The vast majority of people still want to buy there; it sucks, but it's true, and choosing not to have an Amazon presence is severely limiting for an indie writer.

What IS true is that if you OPT IN to selling your book through Kindle Unlimited, Amazon will want exclusivity for the first 3 months. But you don't have to opt into that and after the 3 months you can sell it somewhere else as well. You'll also need a different ISBN, but I believe D2D and other publishers want you to use their own anyway.

I currently sell my books through KDP and Draft2Digital, both of which I mention in the blog post. I originally opted into the Unlimited programme, because it was easier and I'm pretty disabled, but folks on Mastodon really wanted to buy from Smashwords, so eventually I found the spoons to switch it up - please bear in mind when you're critiquing indies on how we publish from the very limited options we have that things like disability, childcare, a day job, and having to do all the work and marketing yourself, play a big factor in the choices we make. I also don't think Barnes and Noble sell the kinds of books I write anyway.

The post is not about where you can publish. It is very specifically about making your own cover for free or cheap without 'AI'. I am expanding this into a series and I may eventually address that, but there was no intention to cover all the options and their pluses and minuses.

I'm given to understand Kobo has an non-exclusive publishing service similar to Kindle Unlimited, but a) this didn't exist when I first started publishing; and b) as mentioned before, I am pretty damn disabled; it took me a year to prepare my last (already written) novella for publication using the systems I am already familiar with. Had I been writing an article on how and where to self-publish, I would have researched that, but again, that is not what this article is about. And I would not have written that article. Because I am too damn sick to write articles about things I have not already researched right now.

To be honest, I would appreciate it if Barnes and Nobel would consider making their catty comments about Amazon somewhere else than on a post by a disabled indie creator having their first viral moment.* especially as I know for a fact you won't be stocking Ruinous Attraction or Oviposition any time soon anyway, and that has nothing to do with Amazon.

*Under this name. But I never made any money from the others either.

Too many writers are using generative 'AI' to make their book covers, so I've written a guide on how to make your own cover for free or cheap without turning to a machine.

If you can't afford to pay an artist, you CAN make your own!

I hope this is a helpful overview that covers the basics and points to some free resources.

[crowsofdarkness]

Vaz Prizrak: Chapter Ten

-gif not mine. credit to owner-

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Female Agent! Reader.

Content Warnings: language, 18 + implied smut, angst, fluff, violence, mentions of losing a pregnancy, thoughts of taking one's life, an attempt to take one's life. I will give another warning when that chapter is posted.

Summary: Bucky and Reader have been in their own solace while in Wakanda for years. They were finally happy to create the life they wanted and deserved. That was until a new foe came along to dust it all away.

Authors Note: This takes place during Infinity War and Endgame! If you haven't yet, please read Soldat and Dorogaya beforehand.

Tags: @globetrotter28 @sakuracyberhex @chinggay85-blog @bookofriverr @misatxox @that-blonde-girl @cats-chaotic-mind @wintrsoldrluvr @sebastians-love @pumpkin-babydoll @ordelixx @starfly-nicole @j23r23 @baw1066 @capswife

Soldat Masterlist | Dorogaya Masterlist | Vaz Prizrak Masterlist

With a quick snap, I lit the old fireplace and felt the warmth spread across my legs. The orange glow lit up the old home as I walked through. It was now empty, being left abandoned the last 80 years. It looked completely different when I was here a few hours ago but I couldn’t stop thinking of ways that I could fix up the holes in the walls and the missing floor boards. 

The master bedroom and bathroom were what needed the most work and a slight fear of what I had gotten myself into creeped into my bones; a giant hole was directly in the middle of the floor. 

“So this is what you wired the money for?” 

Looking to the front doorway, I sighed when I saw Steve leaning against the doorframe. 

“You followed me?”

He pushed himself off the frame, his large feet walking inside the old house. “It’s exactly like I remembered.” 

“What are the odds you know your way with a hammer?” I somewhat joked. 

Steve laughed. “Not at all. That’s Bucky’s forte.”

I stuffed my hands deep into the pockets of my coat while Steve stood next to me as we both watched the fire dance. 

“I can’t believe you bought Bucky’s childhood home,” Steve spoke after moments of silence. 

“He deserves something good when he comes back,” I stated. 

Steve looked over to me with a confused stare. “He has you.” 

I shrugged. “I’ve done a lot of bad things the last five years and I don’t think Bucky could accept it.” 

“You’re talking about The Winter Soldier,” Steve reminded me, bumping my shoulder with his own. 

I looked around the run down house with a large sigh, knowing that there was going to be no way that I could get it fixed up in time. I wanted to surprise Bucky when the fight was over with his old home being fixed back to its former glory. He deserved a home to grow old in. 

“Yikes, what are you two doing hanging out in this dump?” 

Turning on my heels, I smiled at Natasha as she slowly maneuvered her way inside over the holes. 

“Hey, this is my dump you’re shitting on,” I defended. “What are you doing here?” 

She held up a bag of food. “Figured you two were hungry.” 

We all sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, eating and laughing about old memories of us working together; before everything changed. I missed the way our banter bounced off each other, Nat and I giving Steve a hard time for how old he was.

“I missed this,” Natasha admitted. 

“Me too,” I smiled. “I hope that after everything, we all can retire and enjoy the life we have left.”

“Soon this house will be filled with Bucky Jr’s running around,” Natasha winked at me. 

I tensed up at the mention of kids and noticing the uncomfortable look on my face, he motioned towards the door. 

“We should head back.” Steve helped me to my feet, giving my hand a squeeze. 

He knew that I had reverted back to the dark hole with the mention of kids. I hadn’t coped with the loss of our kid, not wanting to come to terms that I could actually have a little Bucky Jr here with me right now. 

Steve wrapped an arm around my shoulders leading me back to the Avengers Compound. 

With a soft sigh, I turned over in bed, staring out the large windows. I could see the sun beginning to rise over the treeline, indicating that I hadn’t slept at all after returning back. Thoughts of the life I could have in this moment kept me awake.

How could I tell Bucky that we should have had a kid by now? 

For a fast moment, I thought of not telling him, to spare him the pain of knowing that we lost a child in the snap. I hated, however, keeping secrets from him. He deserved to know the truth, about everything that happened the last five years. 

Right?

With a loud groan, I tossed off the covers and forced myself to take a shower knowing that today was the day; the day that we would all go back in time to retrieve the infinity stones. I knew that it would work but there was a lingering fear that we wouldn’t get what we wanted without a price. It had always been like that for us, the Avengers. One of us always paid the price for our actions, one way or another. 

Once dressed, I made my way down the elevator to the common area of the tower, where everyone else was waiting for my presence. 

Nat, Clint, Rhodey, and Nebula were sitting at the large table watching as Bruce and Scott went over every detail about going back in time to them. 

Tony and Thor were standing in front of the monitors with Carol, figuring out exactly where we needed to go to get the infinity stones. 

And finally, Steve was sitting by himself in a chair on the other side of the room with a low scowl on his face. I had seen that same scowl many times in the past and it only ever meant one thing. Something heavy was on his mind. 

“Someone’s in a cranky mood for it being so early in the day.” I joked as I sat in the other chair across from him. 

The sight of me brought a smile to his face. 

“Just thinking.” He stated. 

“About what?” 

I could see the hesitation on his face, knowing that he wasn’t sure if he should actually tell me what he was thinking. 

“If this doesn't work, I don’t think I could take the feeling of failure from everyone; especially you. I don’t know what I would do if you hate me because I couldn’t bring Buck back for you,” Steve admitted with a sigh.

“Hey,” I spoke while lacing our fingers together, “I could never hate you, Steve. And this is going to work because it has to. We need to bring them all back, not only for me, but for all of us.” 

I could see in his sad eyes that he still didn’t believe what I was saying so I gently leaned close to him, letting a soft kiss linger on his cheek for a brief second. Turning to look into my own eyes, we were meters apart and I felt his warm breath fan across my lips. 

“I love you too much to ever hate you, Steve.” I muttered my admittance. 

It was brief but I saw the way his eyes darted from my own down towards my lips, slowly licking his own. I couldn’t stop myself from slowly leaning closer to him. 

Dorogaya.

“Hey lovebirds, if you’re done staring lovingly into each other's eyes we can start the meeting now.” 

We both sat back from one another, my glance now on Tony. 

“What’s the plan?” I coughed, hoping that would hide the arousal and redness of my cheeks for what almost happened. 

As Tony went over the teams and who was going where, I felt Steve’s eyes on me the entire time. Daring a glance over to him, my heart hammered in my chest when I saw the look of desire in his face. 

I shifted in my seat once I heard my name being called. 

“Jesus Tony, you’re making me feel like I’m in school again,” I said while crossing my arms. 

“Well if you weren’t giving googly eyes to Rogers, you would have heard what I was saying and I wouldn't have to yell at you,” Tony stated. 

All these years had passed since we fought together in New York and I still hated how much of an ass he was. 

“You, Banner, Lang, and Steve are going back to New York in 2012 to retrieve the time, mind, and space stone. Thor and the badger are going back to 2013 Asgard to get the reality stone.”

“I’m a racoon,” Rocket interjected. 

“Same thing,” I waved him off. “Rhodey and Nebula are going to hitch a ride with Natasha and I to Morag to get the Power Stone while Nat and I go to Vomir for the soul stone.” 

Once finished, I smiled smugly at Tony, knowing that I in fact was listening to him go over the plan while staring at Steve. 

Steve said back in his chair, mirroring his own smug smile, before looking at Tony. 

“Anything else, Mr. Stark?” He joked. 

Tony let out a deep breath while pinching his eyes. “Let’s get suited up then.” 

Before we all left the room, I gave Steve a quick wink and followed Natasha to her living quarters so we could get suited up together. 

[littlemissshifter]

Hi dear! I have a question that is out of pure curiosity

I've seen a couple of posts about permanent shifting, and it sort of spooked me and intrigued me at the same time...? Like. The implications of permanent shifting are such a complex concept for my brain to grasp, and forgive me for the rambling but-

Let's say a person does shift permanently. What would happen to their physical body in this reality? Because I know there's a lot of things at stake, like family, friends maybe a job or something?

Is permashifting safe? It's been plaguing my brain even though I have no intention at all of doing so, but it got me wondering! Because if it was me, I'd be very worried about the things I have going on in this reality, y'know? What if I permashift and it goes right, but then what? Does my body get old in this reality as I'm living my life in another? and maybe even what if someone comes looking for me and I simply don't wake up because my consciousness is in another reality?

Again, sorry for rambling, I just really wanted to talk about it with someone :) and I mean no harm to people who consider permashifting too, this is 100% out of curiosity

Thank you in advance! I love your blog. xoxo

hii!! thank you!!

Shifting is changing your awareness only. Your physical body has nothing to do with it. When you permashift, you will be living in the awareness of the reality you shifted to. Your cr is also a reality with it's own rules that you made up. That self here will keep on living here just like any other reality. Nothing will change for them.

You're already living infinite lives. You just shifted your awareness to one of them. And yes it is safe. You need to see my masterlist and read all my shifting posts. You shift every moment. Even sleeping. It is not something you do when you lay on the bed with an intention to shift. It is continuous.

Consciousness is awareness. Awareness is infinite. You will wake up in this reality because like I said only your awareness shifts. Every you in every reality has this awareness. It's like playing a game with yourself when every character is you. You can choose a different character every time.

[silentbeaves]

OK, I'M REALLY, REALLY NERVOUS TO PUT THIS HERE, AND I'M NOT SURE HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL LIKE MY WRITING ON MY TUMBLR SINCE MY BLOG IS ANIMATION AND 3D RENDERING BASED, BUT I WROTE SOME JESSTRA LAST NIGHT FOR SOMEONE. I MIGHT POST IT IN OTHER PLACES BUT I'M NOT SURE LOL

(NOTE. I've barely proofread this LMAO)

The two are heading down a gravel path towards a small town. Petra’s steps are concentrated and calculated as she holds a few emeralds that she’s going to trade in for some gold bars, mainly to repair Miss Butter, as the sword has gotten a little worn down, despite having enchantments to prevent that. Jesse, for whatever reason decided to tag along. She’s brought her own items. Some iron, a few emeralds, and a couple of diamonds, just in case she wants to buy anything special from the market.

“So, since I didn’t get to say good morning to you, how’ve you been?” Jesse asks, lightly tugging at Petra’s free hand.

“Oh, sorry, I was in a bit of a rush. Didn’t expect you to come along,” she says. “I’m alright, though.” Petra gently wraps a pinkie around Jesse’s. It’s a minor touch, not important; Petra does it quite often nowadays. But Jesse can’t help but feel her heart flutter.

“It’s alright, I get it.” Jesse grins, squeezing her finger around Petra’s.

Then silence falls upon both of them and to Jesse, it feels a little awkward. The sound of crunching beneath their boots and subtle breathing only fuels the awkwardness. Not that Jesse isn’t used to silence, but she would enjoy some conversation with, y’know, her one and only. 

“What’re you gonna use the emeralds for? You never told me.” She starts.

“To repair Miss Butter. She’s gotten a bit damaged since the last caving trip,” Petra scoffs. “The one where I had to save your sorry butt every second.”

Jesse huffs in response, but it’s light-hearted. “Hey, at least you were hot, doing it.” Petra’s eyes widen, and she shakes her head in total disagreement. “No, no, I was not.” Her face is visibly turning red, and the tips of her ears are burning up.

The shorter chuckles, elbowing her. “Um, yes, you were.”

Recovering from her brief embarrassment, Petra shoots back. “Uh-huh. And was that the reason you were so pathetic there? Couldn’t help staring at me?”

Jesse blinks awkwardly, feeling the weight of her body straining her legs suddenly. “No…”

“Pfft, you don’t sound very sure.”

She just couldn’t stand it when Petra teased her back like that. It sent her swooning. Urgh!

Petra lifts a hand to study the emeralds that rest in her palm, getting visibly bored on the walk to the town. She scratches at scars, reaches to the back of her neck, and fiddles with her collar. She’s kinda cute when she does that. Jesse can’t help but stare, unable to pull her eyes away.

“Petra?”

“Hm?” Petra glances at Jesse from the corner of her eye.

Jesse hesitates, but she goes along with her weird train of thought. “You look as pretty as those emeralds you are holding.”

Petra chuckles in amusement, finding that flirt to be absolutely awful. “That was the worst one yet, Jess.” She quips.

“Fine.” Jesse crosses her arms. “You’re pretty handsome.”

Raising a brow, Petra stops walking and turns to Jesse. “What’re you trying to do?”

“Flirt with you.”

“And your end goal?” 

Jesse feels her stomach drop. Admitting this will be no easy feat. She scuffs her boots along the gravel, her gaze falling to the ground. “I, uh… To get you to-- to kiss me.”

Petra, stunned, takes a small step back. “Oh.” Her body is tense, but she does her best to relax it. “Um, I mean-- you could’ve just… asked? You don’t have to win me over, or whatever.” She begins taking slow and hesitant steps towards Jesse, stuffing her emeralds in her pockets.

“I-I know, but it just feels… awkward, heh.” How awful, Jesse can feel that her face is burning up. Just the thought of kissing her is flipping her stomach in all sorts of directions. They’ve never kissed before, and the chance to bring it up never really occurred. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to--”

“...No! No, no, Jesse. It’s…” She’s desperately trying to find the right words, gesturing her hands around in the air, clawing for a sentence. “It’s fine! If you want to, we can, just let me know when.” Petra begins walking past, but Jesse grabs her by her collar.

“I want to. Now, if it’s okay.” Jesse gazes up into Petra’s eyes, but she’s unable to keep eye contact for long.

“I… now? Like, now, now?” The redhead grimaces, her face etched with fear. “Are you sure?”

Slowly, Jesse nods.

Petra can practically feel the sweat beginning to bead on her forehead…

“You okay with it?” Jesse asks.

Weakly, she nods. “I’m just… don’t expect it to be any good.” And with that, Petra begins to reach up to Jesse’s jawline, her fingers just ghosting her cheek.

Deciding to be a little brave, Jesse places her boots on top of Petra’s, grabbing her shoulders and lifting herself to an equal height. This makes Petra suddenly very hesitant, and her eyes look anywhere but at Jesse.

“C’mon, don’t chicken out, Petra.”

“I-I wasn’t!” She reels her hand back, clenching it. Chuckling, Jesse reaches to grab her fist, caressing it with her thumb.

“It’s okay, just take it slow. I know you’re not used to this.” Her voice is soft and gentle, plenty reassuring. Not to mention the touch. It sends prickles of warmth spiking through Petra’s chest. Not a feeling she’s used to. Not the touch she’s used to.

“Okay, okay. I-- I’ve got this,” Petra stammers, her heart beginning to race. “Easy, easy.” Jesse’s hands slide from her shoulders, down her sides and to her waist, steadying herself, and trying to ground Petra from her anxieties.

Ugh, she’s too hesitant to do this. What if she messes it up? What if Jesse doesn’t like it? What if… someone’s watching them? That would be beyond embarrassing, and awful for her reputation. 

Sighing, Petra turns her head away, a hand reaching back down to her pockets. “Listen, I just need to get these emeralds--”

Jesse is glaring at her.

“Okay, okay, fine.”

Jesse begins to lean in slowly, giving her enough time to ease into it. Petra’s breath hitches, and her brow furrows. But Jesse’s confidence is alluring and slightly contagious. And with her mind finally made up, she leaned in as well, closing her eyes and closing the small gap that had been between them just moments before. 

Her brows raise with pleasure and realisation. It’s not as bad as she thought it’d be. Jesse’s lips are soft and comforting against hers, and she gives an involuntary sigh of relief into her mouth. At that, Jesse’s grip on her waist tightens, bunching the fabric between her fingers. A pair of hesitant hands make their way up Jesse’s back, one hand reaching up as far as the back of her head, feeling her brown, fluffy, although slightly untidy, hair.

Jesse slightly tilts her head, making the kiss more comfortable and slightly more passionate for the both of them. Petra’s lips are so firm and sure, even if a little chapped. As if that doesn’t make it more endearing, though. She pulls Petra’s body against hers, a small, almost inaudible moan escaping her lips. It makes the redhead shudder and tense, and Jesse can feel it. She feels her muscles tighten, so she pulls back, allowing both of them to catch their breaths and give it a small break.

“Hoh… wow…” Petra breathes out, completely dazed and flushed. Jesse, to no surprise, is also completely red.

“Heh, you alright, there?” The shorter cups Petra’s cheek, rubbing her thumb where her freckles are. She’s so delightful to gaze upon, especially this close. It’s not often Jesse gets to. 

“Yeah, I just-- didn’t expect it to be so…” She trails off, her eyes meeting Jesse’s. Her gaze is soft, as she stares up at Petra, a small glint in her eye.

“You wanna go again?” Jesse enquires, her voice gentle, and not prodding.

Dumbfounded, Petra blinks. “Yeah, sure.” Never in a million years would she imagine agreeing to kiss someone, twice for that matter. But here she is, kissing the one person she doubted she’d ever kiss…

And with the perfect scenery, god rays, a lovely gentle breeze, and no one else around, they kiss once again, this time Petra leaning in first. Her hands are less hesitant to feel around Jesse’s body as she kisses her, eliciting small moans and sighs.

Petra never understood what was so pleasing about kissing and touching and all that sappy stuff. But now? After hearing and feeling Jesse, she finally gets it. It proves your love for someone, what you’d do for them, and how much you trust them. To be so vulnerable as to get so close…

A hand reaches to cup Jesse’s jawline as they both drawback, faces flushed, and heads spinning. Jesse steps down, grabbing Petra’s other hand and raising it to her chest. “Thanks, Petra. It means a lot to me.”

“You don’t have to flatter me.” Her voice is slightly wavering; she’s still dazed.

The shorter then gives a small peck to the back of Petra’s hand, a grin worn on her face.

 “I gotta say, you’re really good at kissing,” she says, as the two make their way down the path again.

“Thanks,” Petra replies, her strides are less calculated and confident and rather more casual.

She’s been very vulnerable and open today, and Jesse would say that’s an amazing step up from a few months ago. They could just barely hold hands for longer than five seconds. And here Petra was, being the most vulnerable Jesse’s ever seen.

Ugh, she’s so sweet.

[maria-is-stupid]

Yo so, i got something i wanna say rq.

Quick CW for the discussion of grooming, false allegations and a long ass post. If you don't already know about this situation, scroll down, I've provided links to the necessary posts at the bottom! I’m not the one for drama, never have been and never will be. But being a mutual of Ikamigami and literally getting tagged in it, it was inevitable that I would see Alexandraisyes' grooming allegation post on both her and Mothy. And after having reached out myself to get Ikami’s side on things along with reading the documents provided by both parties, I've come to my own conclusion. I don’t see either party as really being in the right. Not Alex nor Mothy. Mothy for their poor behaviour which has been given evidence of in Alex’s document. And Alex for Ikamigami’s completely unnecessary involvement and the horrible accusation made against them with lackluster evidence. Lackluster evidence which I have a few things to say about. Now Alex or any of her friends who may end up reading this, I'm not a new enemy of any sort or looking to be one, nor do I have any particularly ill feelings against any of you, I'm just giving criticism and stating my opinions here. 1) Evidence against Ikami No.1 - The nsfw fic Ikamigami wrote a nsfw fic and tagged GarbageChocolate, who she at the time, didn’t know was a minor. But once she found out, it was publicly apologized for. And now the fic has been completely deleted from Ikami’s blog, the only reason you’re still able to see it via the link in Alex’s document is because of it being a reblog. This was resolved and closed in 2023. Information which Alex has left out both in their doc and when replying to comments, either intentionally or because of lack of proper research.

Why is it being brought up to be used as some sort of “evidence” of Ikami being a groomer? When you think about it, it doesn’t even make any sense. A groomer wouldn’t post stuff like that publically, as they would want to keep their behaviour hidden. 2) Evidence against Ikami No.2 - Ikami siding with Mothy I don’t know if people know this, but choosing to side with a friend in drama or accusations is normal.

Especially considering the friendship between Mothy and Ikami, that they’ve been there for one another and therefore will put a good amount of trust in each other. And I think that if you’re quickly able to turn on your friend at the smallest accusation, you weren’t even a real friend to begin with. That or you’re just a patsy.

Ikami herself in her own document acknowledges Mothy’s actions and says that she is not going to defend them. Though along with that Ikami provides rather important context behind Mothy’s behaviour. Context being that Mothy is someone who has immature and childish behavioural tendencies (being a 19 year old, also counting that age does not equal to maturity), and due to less than unfortunate events in her childhood expresses hypersexuality.

Something to quickly mention as well, Ikami has only really known Mothy’s side on the things which has happened inside the servers, possibly not having been told the entire truth on some things. That along with the behaviour of Mothy is not something I want to excuse and is something that i'm certain Ikami isn't exactly pleased about either. Also, this shouldn't just come to me, but do you realise how broken the logic behind this, that Ikami choosing to side with Mothy makes her a groomer too, is?  Let me lay out a hypothetical example;

What if I was friends with someone who later gets accused to be a pedophile, would that make me a pedo too simply by association?

3) - Critisism on Alex's document Now, I know this whole segment is going to sound nit-picky, but there are some things that I want to point out with Alex’s document and its content. As I can't help but feel that the document looks incredibly rushed and sloppily made. Alex's document only bears screenshots, with pretty much no context given whatsoever behind them or this situation. Like say, as an example, what the ages of both Mothy and the minors were specifically during the time it all went down, as that is very important information and simply just stating that the victims were minors doesn’t really make things clear. As anyone between 1 to 18 would be considered a minor. Along with lacking context, there are things added which don't serve anything, being rather trivial. Like the comparison made between the behaviour of Mothy, Alex herself and Alex's friend Peachpopfizz/Peachfnaf. I can understand the potential reason for this being added, but in execution it just looks like you’re trying to make yourself look better or superior and is rather useless to know.

And something which I think is plenty worthy of being pointed out as well is that we don't seem to get any screenshots of one-to-one private conversations. Or at least not ones where it's clear, as most of the screenshots are also cropped. The victims in Alex’s document state that Mothy has used manipulation tactics, used her ties to the ‘big blogs’ as leverage and not taken it too kindly when others did not want to talk to them about something or got uncomfortable, so why don't we see examples of such?

 If all of Mothy's messages come from open channels for anyone to see, it makes me wonder, as one of the main tactics of groomers is to isolate a victim and hold their own poor behaviour behind closed doors. Especially considering there were apparently other adults in the proship server who, assuming they're either not stupid or ignorant, would’ve seen and called it out immediately as Mothy was openly 19 and NSFW was not allowed as far as i'm aware. And the last point i want to make, seeing that this would become way too long if i was to add every single tiny one. Again about rather trivial info. Alex in their document, in the section about confronting Mothy, mentions of Ikami apparently talking about killing herself in the TSBS discord server, along with the harassment and slandering which has been happening between Ikami, Dana and Ceph/Twinanimatronics (in which direction it fully was in I'm not aware).

Number one, in regard to the claim of Ikami speaking of killing herself. I've gone the lengths to look through her messages in the TSBS server myself, especially around the time in which the Miku episode and Ikami’s psychotic episode happened, and have not found anything remotely close. So if Dana and Ceph, the ones who allegedly reported this to the mods, have evidence of this actually happening. I would love to see it.

And number two, the personal drama between Alex, Ikami, Mothy and Alex’s friends, i’m sorry to say this, is such a nothing burger and is frankly inappropriate to add in an allegation document of grooming. It would’ve been way better to have just stuck to the main matter of all of this from the very start, that Mothy was talking inappropriately in the proship server, anything else is not something that I will care about.

Overall, the document is a case in which the more you try to make sense of it, the more it falls apart. Whenever it’s because of lacking context, trivial information which distracts from the main point, an unrelated party which was dragged in and framed without any actual proof, ect. Or that is at least how i feel. 4) - final thoughts. Now, with everything i've said above, i'd like to emphasize, I do not want anyone in this situation to get harassed as that will amount to nothing.

All that I personally wish is for Mothy to seek help with the issues that they have, work to get better and for something like this never to happen again (which, considering their apology post. It sounds like they're not afraid to admit fault, which is a first step). For the minors to take care. And for everyone here to perhaps consider and be mindful how they spend their time online and in what spaces, as from what I've seen in my time on the internet, the proship space and those similar has many times been the breeding ground for predatory weirdos to take advantage of those younger and vulnerable.

If you have questions or anything you want to say, you are more than free to reach out to me privately, as I'm not going to clutter up my blog with replies to reblogs. Of course with that being said, keep in mind, i will not tolerate insults, slurs or threats of any kind.

Here's the links to the document posts of both Alex and Ikami so you can read and come to your own informed opinion on all of this.

Have a good day folks.

(And please, for the love of god. When it comes to allegations online, always take it with a grain of salt until both sides have spoken. I’ve seen countless times where false allegations have ruined people’s reputations and lives. And I would rather wait than look like an idiot.)

[absolutebl]

What I'm curious about is what makes a BL a BL? What separates it from queer cinema and mainstreamed LGBTQ+ media? When I watch BLs, it's very clear to me that it is a BL rather than queer cinema (the same way I know that God's Own Country is queer cinema, not a BL), but I don't have the background in the genre to explain what it is that I'm picking up on as a viewer.

Forgive me if you've answered this already. I did search your blog but I didn't quite see the answer I'm looking for. Your post about BL breakdowns by country gave me some good info on differences between countries, but I was curious about this on a broad genre-wide scale.

[judectrl]

girl where did u find that aurelien vid with the camo top omg I saw u replied with a facebook link but its not working?? I think ur a genius or something bcs ive been a fan for a few months but ive never seen that video of him, yet u just started following and u already found something new! Also ignore that crazy anon, who are they to tell you what to post on your own blog?!!

hii, lmao i really be in the depths of the internet looking for new tchoua content 😭

idk why the link isn't working but here's the full video:

translation for anyone who needs it:

interviewer: we also have ligue 2, the famous ligue 2 and there's a club (girondins de bordeaux), do you follow them? do you watch them?

aurélien: i do follow them, i'm lucky to have bein (sports), so i watch all the matches when i can. i think they're having a solid start to the season, with a lot of young players that i know bc we were in the academy together

interviewer: can you name a few?

aurélien: there are plenty, there's dylan bakoua, who's had a great start to the season. there's bokele, the rightback, junior mwanga, logan delaurier-chaubet, and josh maja, who i was also with. i follow them all. gaetan poussin in goal, who's playing regularly. so i'm happy for them. the club has put something good in place to try and get back up, and that's all i wish for them.

interviewer: you're kind of their saviour too, you know you helped save them? without your transfer, bordeaux could've been in the national division right now

aurélien: i did everything i could for them, even last year, i got a red card when we played against them, to try and help them win the match against monaco, but unfortunately for them it was a draw. but if i was able to help them financially with my transfer, jules and zaydou too, then that's good, it allowed the club to survive.

interviewer: were you worried for them?

aurélien: yes, i was worried, like many football fans, i think bc bordeaux is a legendary club in french football. in ligue 2, they managed to limit the damage, bc when they were talking about national division and bankruptcy, it was really scary. but today, i think they are restructuring the club, so we hope that they will be able to go back up as quickly as possible.

interviewer: do you see them promoting this year, yes or no?

aurélien: yes, i see them getting promoted, they had a great start to the season without the new signings they made. i hope that the new signings will bring a little extra to this team and i'm with them with all my heart.

[icelogged]

tagging hayden’s photos with ed tags is extremely irresponsible. stop it.

[delta-piscium]

Trying? Trying??? By learning. By succeeding!

(about this and my text under the cut)

this is very nice actually thank you so much <3 <3 and like, i probably do need to give myself more credit in general but also i am still very much learning and stumbling and figuring digital art out (and for the most part it is so fun)

I’m gonna ramble about this a bit so bear with me and also i apologize lol, but that art was done after a month of getting increasingly more frustrated with everything turning out so badly and eventually realizing that I was trying to 1. copy a certain look/style that i’ve internalized is what fanart and digital art should look like and is very far away from my style/comfort zone 2. i was trying to do everything digital allows without being comfortable with it or understanding it

so (and this took me a month to realize ? ??) i did what i already knew from doing acrylic and oil painting in the past and could somewhat easily transfer to digital without having to know more than the basics, like i didn’t use a lot of the things digital provides or allows for. i used layers for my own peace of mind but without actually needing them and did some color adjusting (honestly, the color adjusting digital lets you do is such a blessing to me) but the only fancy way i really utilized the medium was making it a gif (which is so fun and a lot easier than i would have thought, like honestly watch me make any future art into gifs too) but there are so many things you can do with the medium with settings/effects, different brushes, tools to use in the process etc that i just do not understand what they are or how to implement them so i am very slowly learning digital art as a whole new medium rather than just being able to use it to adapt what i already know

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

If Edelgard starts a war on cats it would be a CATastrophe. Bad pun aside, it really speaks volumes when people are so enamored and defensive about their fave that they're willing to say "racism, genocide and terrorism is good actually". Fiction may not affect reality most of the time, but it exposes views that some people share that makes you go "yikes.".

I can't believe I didn't even think of that when I wrote it LOL.

For people missing the context, this ask is in response to a reply I wrote on another post.

When it comes to media, it's one thing if there's nuance to the situation and it's not as direct (is she being brainwashed? Controlled? Forced? Somehow unaware? Shown to be conflicted about her actions/what she says? etc). In her case though that's not present and she means what she says. Even still, liking her as a character is fine.

It's different when people start using real life situations or making outright harmful rhetoric, which is something they do both to lift their favorite up and to vilify her enemies (which is why they have to reach so hard, and farther than their arms actually can reach to make up reasons to hate Dimitri. It's not him, it's the fact that they hate anyone who opposes Edelgard, and if Edegard wants them dead they also want them dead. Unfortunately that also turned into demonizing those with mental illness).

Fiction in and of itself doesn't affect reality or indicate what a person is like irl, but their behavior toward others is no longer fiction. Story wise you could argue it makes an interesting character to have these flaws and villainous traits, but it's another story entirely when people double down to insist their characters' actions are just and they go into detail to force it down people's throats - 99.99% of the time unprompted, when that character actively associates with people who have willingly and intentionally committed genocide and aims to do the same herself by finishing the job.

Which you'd think she wouldn't because... those same people wiped out all her siblings, but okay. Somehow the CoS is worse than them. I guess bc Agarthans are human at the end of the day, so no matter how inhumane and atrocious their actions are, they get a pass as long as there's a non-human in the vicinity. Racism typically goes hand in hand with genocide, so. Yeah.

It's not even just that though - it's how the arguments go that indicates if a person is just trying to defend their favorite. If they start brainlessly spewing harmful rhetoric at real people, and if what they say would actively defend real life issues, it's concerning. It's the manner in which they defend their favorite. If the way they argue is exactly how American-hard-rights defend themselves, it starts becoming uncomfortable for people and no longer applies to just fiction.

If what you argue sounds exactly what irl politics sounds like, that's a pretty powerful indicator of who you're dealing with. It doesn't matter if they are or claim to be American-left (specifying because Random said it's different in Europe!). If their arguing points shit on all the values American-lefts stand for, they are not, whether they like it or not, arguing for the left (which all stans claim to do, and then they start regurgitating American-right political stances, extremely often at the expense and discomfort of actual American-lefts. Might I remind you that one of them, a straight man, used abortion and gay marriage both being legally in jeoprady as a gotcha to argue for Edelgard).

It doesn't matter what you claim you're doing. If your arguments actually start reflecting things that can be real, you need to be careful about how you word it. Houses deals with a political atmosphere very heavily, which shouldn't have really been a problem... but it got too close to real life politics within the fandom and people's true colors started to show.

It should have been "I love Edelgard but damn some of what she does is fucked up" and not trying to vehemently defend every singular word she's ever said. As I've mentioned in my very lengthy "why the writing failed Edelgard", the writing is partly to blame for people being divided on her, but it's the fans' own faults if they can't draw a line between liking her character and supporting things in a way that makes it sound like you'd support them irl.

It's even worse that all that nonsense picked up really badly right around the time Ukraine got invaded and Putin was out there spewing nonsense. It became a sensitive issue to have people defending Edelgard invading other countries proudly with false claims/propaganda, because the arguments fell perfectly to a T in line with what Putin was doing.

Evidently that didn't matter to the people who never touch grass and waste their time and energy only thinking of defending Edelgard instead of just enjoying her character, but then, they don't really even enjoy her character; they just enjoy their made up version of her who fights for what they want her to fight for instead of realizing what she's actually doing. These people would be damn easy bait for irl politics and it shows. Dangerously.

So for anyone arguing about your fictional favorites, remember that context is important and how you treat the topic(s) at hand are just as important. I absolutely adore a villain just like Edelgard because of good writing, and there are points I can actually defend him (if you've been on this blog for more than like a week you prooOOOObably know who I'm referring to AT THIS POINT lmao). That doesn't mean I'm going to call invasion, racism, etc good and just for his better talking points to be achieved.

In my opinion Edelgard ended up poorly written because the writers wanted to be bias in the context of the story but couldn't properly justify the atrocities. I'll be honest, if this is how they handle (main) female villains, I'd rather just not have them. I'd rather go back to the days of Petrine and Hilda who were side villains and allowed to be as disgusting and horrendous as they wanted.

If writing a lead villain who is female won't work because they can't stop pushing their bias into the writing (don't even look at poor Petra, she got SKEWERED in CF and especially in SB) and it reflects poorly, I just don't want it. I know men at the writing table for some wild reason throughout the years have been unable to properly write females (which like, why. Just write human beings. But no, they seem to act like females are a different entity entirely), but if that's going to remain the case, I don't want them to write them in situations like these because they clearly can't handle it. They treat Edelgard as a trophy wife who has to be perfect for them and not as a complex, legitimate person.

Mind you, I also made a post before about how Edelgard is separated from other female villains by being drawn as "attractive". Ishtar gets treated much better than other female villains as well, with Heroes going as far as to outright shit on canon and give her an alt where she "joins the Liberation Army", which... the whole point of her character and her fighting in that war was that she was on the opposite side but wasn't a bad person. I could argue similar things for Burian, but that's more headcanon/literally based on just his death quote lmfao.

Point being, Ishtar is drawn to be attractive. Petrine and Hilda are not, and are outright villainous, terrible, not complex people at all (Hilda is a hypocrite, but she's not complex). Edelgard was drawn to be attractive, and was thus not treated like a villain proper. Unfortunately this got warped into the fandom we know now, but... like we both said, the way they argue for her is pretty telling and honestly pretty scary. Let's not forget that they've spewed death threats at people simply for not liking Edelgard.

No, that last sentence was not a joke nor an exaggeration. In a way it makes sense though, considering they defend genocide, racism, etc.

[skitskatdacat63]

Yayyyyyyyy finally working on my pinned post :D having fun :D

Its funny to me cause I'll do these super organizational things for fandom purposes and genuinely have fun with it, but then would rather die than be even remotely organizational for school

[double--cross-d]

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