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rickriordanfandam · 4 years ago

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opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below)

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong.

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up. the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more

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spnshameblog · 4 years ago

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I wish Jensen was as horrified by people shipping Dean with his brother as he seems to be over Destiel.

i'm not gonna lie, i have bad feelings, too. i think that jensen has done a lot of things that have led to lgbt/queer kids feeling invalidated and he has given a lot of people ammunition to bully us over fictional ships. i also think that was entirely unintentional, but that doesnt make it better.

i gotta be honest, i take a lot of the info out there with several grains of salt, especially unverified stuff and fan stories. people like to lie on the internet. (i remember a few years ago someone made up chris evans having a panic attack at a convention and cevans himself had to clear that up bc concerned fans kept messaging him) i know he doesnt like talking about destiel at cons and the few times he did pre-despair werent that positive.

i think bc his first real exposure to shipping was w*ncest he mentally equated shipping to fetishisation and hes not the only one. you can tell from a lot of comments that other actors (sometimes even misha) think fanfic is all about smut and that its mostly written by horny straight women aged 16 to 45. which is incorrect and hurtful, but ok.

the way he talks about the confession scene is jarringly different and enthusiastic. there has been this meet and greet where he got asked a few questions about it and while i, again, like to be sceptical about these types of sources, it does match up with his general behaviour wrg to the confession. i think he genuinely had a change of perspective some time in the later seasons and i dont think he was ever actually horrified by the existence of destiel, but annoyed about his own misinterpretation of what destiel actually meant to the fans. not gonna defend him for that tho, he did contribute to the mistreatment and gaslighting of queer spn fans, even if that was never his intention.

now w*ncest is another thing. it drives me up the wall whenever w*ncest and destiel are in any way put into relation to each other and as much as i love robbie, im fucking mad about them having both of the "ships" in fan fiction in the first place. however: sam and dean CONSISTENTLY react to w*ncest with disgust, confusion and horror, like duh. w*ncest is, iirc, mentioned more times in-universe than destiel as a ship. fan fiction has the only mention of destiel as a fictional ship, whereas w*ncest has been mentioned multiple times before, aka in every episode becky is in. its always portrayed as ridiculous, mostly played for laughs and never taken seriously. to the cast and crew of spn w*ncest is a non-thing bc it disqualifies itself by its own nature. nobody in their right mind (which excludes most w*ncest shippers sadly) would expect them to actually put i//ncest on screen. its easier to joke about this, simply because its so ridiculous.

i think jensen and co dont see w*ncest itself as a 'danger', thats why they never talk about how disgusted they are by it, its a foregone conclusion. it cannot be treated seriously bc its simply too bogus.

destiel however. unless youre a raging homophobe or devout biblical christian there is nothing morally wrong with destiel, which makes it harder to discredit it as a joke, which is why you cant joke about it so easily. not that you should lmao, but i dont claim to know what goes on in these mens heads.

this got way too long so im gonna try to wrap it up:

i think its not that jensen is less horrified by w*ncest than destiel. there would be something really wrong with him if he was. i think he can put w*ncest and all its crazy fans into a box and label it "too ridiculous to care about except when they send my wife rusty nails". i dont claim to know what exactly his problem with destiel was/is, but if i had to make a guess its that he spent a long time misinterpreting what destiel actually was and just treated it as another outlet for horny teens, which i wont defend him for. i think he really mellowed out on that front, but kept his grumpy persona for a while (hes clearly not uncomfortable with ppl thinking thoughts about him and misha in situations or else he wouldnt act like THAT at cons tho, so idk). His positive and enthusiastic comments surrounding the confession and his open-ness about dean reciprocating (which is still a cop out, ngl. idc if he said he didnt want it to be one) ESPECIALLY compared to his glacial silence surrounding the finale show me that he is not at all disgusted or horrified by destiel.

tl;dr this man is an enigma to me and there are a couple of things i hold against him, but i truly dont think he is horrified by destiel.

#ask #anon #im so fucking sorry for this dissertation nobody asked for #incest mention #m

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coco-goat-milk · 4 years ago

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Okay so here is my oc:

(Bc bestie @gluttonousfruit asked for it, and if anyone else wants to talk about their oc's come here!)

(Its a lot of information and i didnt read it through so im sorry for spelling mistakes but if you want me to make voice lines as well then just ask me!)

Name: Doi (土井~earth) Hekima (ヘキマ~wisdom)

Age: 22

Pronounce/gender: she/her, Female

Height: 5.7 - 1.72

Status: Alive

Sexuality: Pansexual

Vision: Dendro

Weapon: Bow/sword

Appereance:

a tall brown haired female with white and green highlights. Her hair is most of the time in two long braids that reaches her middle, With bangs framing her face. Feline like features, and bright green eyes. Being a lot in nature made her have a toned and slightly ripped body.

She wears brown fingerless gloves. She also wears over the knee brown combat boots, with thigh high white socks. She also wears army green with white high waisted shorts, the short contain several pockets and chains. She wears a leather top as well. (I dont know if this is what i want yet)

Origin:

Hekima was born into a clan located in the woods, het mother being the ruler of the clan. Hekima has a closer bond with her father, being ready to lay down her life for him. Her relationship with her mother is a more complicated matter, she always tried to mend a meaningful bond with her mother but her mother not batting an eye towards her advances to mend a bond.

The Doi clan is a big clan, located deep in the woods far away from civilization. The Doi clan produce everything of their own, making their own houses, food, etc. She has a lot of siblings, 8 little siblings and 1 twin sister. She has a very close bond with her mute twin sister and 8 little siblings, her twin sisters name is Lulu. Lulu is the opposite of Hekima, Lulu doesnt really go out and interact with people except Hekima.

Hekima's mother wanted to pressure her into marrying a man, of her mothers choice. Hekima wanted nothing to do with it and her father supported her. She knew her mother only wanted her to marry this man, so her mother had all the power over her. Lulu turned her back towards her mother, and supported Hekima with everything.

After a few days Hekima came back from a afternoon of hunting. She headed inside her house only to find her twin sister murdered on the floor. Her screams alerted her family, her mother accused her of murdering Lulu but Hekima still in shock and pain denied everything. Her mother yelled at the clan warriors to get her so she could be executed. She thought her father would defend her and safe her life, but he only turned his head away from her. Hekima quickly fled into the woods with the warriors after her. As she finally got the warriors of her trail. She realised she was on her own now, losing everything in a short period of time. But she wants justice for her twin sister so thats what her drives forward to continue.

Current residence: Inazuma

Personality:

Before Hekima fled she mostly wore a energetic smile, especially when she was surrounded with her little siblings. After the events she became more reserved, her emotions werent as raw as they were. She is usually seen with a smile on her face, but her eyes tell a whole different story.

She has a caring and sisterly personality towards the people she loves. Hekima is also very brave in battle sometimes bordering towards the reckless side. Very confident in her abbilties, she tries to stay away from people as much as she can but if she really feels like people need her help she will give them help.

Likes:

Hunting, fighting, Lulu, her siblings, taking care of people, food, nature, relaxing in nature.

Dislikes:

Rejection, loneliness, her mother, mysoginist, the memories of her twin and her father, betrayal.

Combat info~

Arrows:

Hekima can shoot up to 4 arrows at once.

She can also infuse poison into her arrows.

No matter what she never misses target.

After shooting her arrows, roses appear in the place of the arrow.

She can also attack with her bow without using her vision. (Especially when she hunts)

Sword:

Slamming her sword into the ground she can cause a rift and a small earth quake.

Attacking with her sword she can cause a poisonous mist cloud.

She can also fight in her mist cloud, while her targets are unable to see.

Summoning vines to protect and attack.

She can slam her sword in the ground and a wall of vines emerge.

Hand to hand combat:

She is very agile and flexible, good when running through the forest.

Very silent, no noice can be heard when she attacks.

One of her fighting techniques are chi-blocking, it is a fighting technique that has beem teached every ancestor of hers.

Facts about Hekima:

She has two tattoos: two black stripes around her right bicep and one black stripe around her left wrist.

She has a zilver pendant with a picture of her and her father and Lulu.

When she looks in peoples eyes she knows their intentions and feelings.

No matter what she will always be amazed by nature's charm.

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brain-jarred · 3 years ago

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Chapter 2 Pear

After the operation that ended in the two scientists parting ways for a bit, Dr. Hal finally left his room. He glanced around and saw that Dr. Param was still laying their body on the chairs outside the operating room, with a sad expression on their face. Dr. Hal sighed, and walked over to them. “Hey, Pear.” Pear was a nickname that Dr. Hal called Dr. Param sometimes. Mostly when he was being nice to them. “Sorry for snapping at you. You didn't do anything wrong.” He said, looking at his feet. Dr. Param smiled. “Thanks. I’m sorry too if I was a bit overbearing or annoying.” “You werent.” Dr. Hal sat next to his colleague. “You were just trying to be helpful.” He added, looking at a motivational poster. The poster had been there for sixteen years. It was a picture of a lake with a caption in bold white text that said “SERENITY” It was Dr. Hal’s favorite, because it was the least annoying of them all. “Yeah.” Param nodded. There was an uneasiness to their words, like they still wanted to bring up something, but did not want Dr. Hal to be mad at them again. They sighed and looked away. “Um. yeah.” They said suddenly very interested in the yellow carpet Dr. Hal took notice, and knew that Dr. Param wanted to bring up the work thing again. He didnt really know what to do about that, he really didnt want to talk about it again, because he knew he would get snappy again, but at the same time he also wanted to make Param feel comfortable, and this tension between them really sucked. “Look, pear, I’m just. I think-” Dr. Hal looked around, not sure what to say next. “I think i just need a short break. Like a vacation, and then maybe i’ll be less agitated all the time. I was wondering if you wanna take a vacation with me?” He asked. Dr. Param thought for a moment. “Sure!” They nodded. “Could be fun. Just like. Uh. A boy’s get away. Except that I'm not a boy, but you know what I mean.” “Boys can be gender neutral if you want.” Dr. Hal countered, draping his arm behind Dr. Param Dr. Param snorted. “Yeah, sure. Still not a boy.” They said, laying their hands on their lap. Or rather, hand and weird needle thing on their lap. They seemed to be more at ease with the vacation thing. This wasn't the first time the two of them had taken a vacation together. They never actually went anywhere for their vacations, that wasn't permitted. Mostly they just hung out in the green house. It was the nicest place in the campus. It was almost like being outside. Dr. Param stood up suddenly. “Let's go to the cafeteria.” They said to their colleague. They thought that Hal looked tense, maybe some nutrient solution would make him feel better? The two of them didn't exactly eat normal food, but they both needed basic vitamins and fuel for their human brains. Dr. Hal also got up “Sure.” He said. “As long as you don't repeat the yogurt incident again.” “Hey! I told you not to bring that up again!” Dr. Param playfully hit Hal. “Then don't try to put yogurt directly onto your brain, you idiot.” Hal laughed. “IT WAS A ONE TIME THING!!” Dr. Param retorted, not genuinely mad, but trying to act like it.

It was moments like this when the two scientists truly appreciated each other. Maybe things werent...ideal. Maybe being contractually obligated to remain in an underground space for the next 34 years wouldn't be great, but at least they had each other. And that was all that they needed. At least thats what Param told themself. They werent sure if He felt the same way. He did not in fact feel the same way. He was in fact very antsy to get out of this place. He just wanted to leave already, though he didn't allow himself to fully think these thoughts, always pushing them to the back of his head. But Dr. Param? He was content to just experiment on the subjects for eternity. As long as Hal was there, everything would be okay!

Everything was okay.

The two of them continued to walk down the hallways of yellow carpet and off white plaster walls. It was a familiar hallway, the two of them could probably go down it while blinded. As they walked, Hal decided to mention the vivisection, only to find out that Dr. Param had also been told about it. “Its rather short notice, dont you think?” Param remarked. “We usually have atleast 3 days of notice to prepare a strategy, and they usually give us information on how to best deal with them. When i asked Sarah who it was, she said we would be told tomorrow.”

Dr. Hal nodded. It was weird. “Well they did say it was high profile. Maybe they want to keep it under wraps. Heh. Maybe we are operating on the president or something.” The current president, Clair Vonyant, well...she was a controversial figure. A powerful psychic with the power to kill anyone just by concentrating really hard...That was pretty frightening to both of them. Not to mention her unconstitutional four terms as president.

“I mean, she does kinda suck though.” Param rolled their eyes. “And it would be easy for me to alter her memories, since shes such a public figure and we know a lot about her. Last one we had, we didn't know a lot about. But for her? Easy. You can just make her hallucinate her dead brother and i can alter her memories so that she thinks he never died. There wouldn't be any struggle then.” They said casually, as if they were just discussing causal workplace terms. Which in their eyes, they were. Hal didn't see anything wrong with this either. Just a normal wednesday. “Agreed.” Finally they reached the cafeteria. It was a wide and large room they came upon, the yellow carpet gave way to grey linoleum, but the off white walls were the same color. It had a glass ceiling that showed the sky. Tables were placed neatly around the room. It was always strangely empty for such a big room. Like maybe it was built for more people. There were only 10 people who worked in this facility, Dr. Hal and Dr. Param included.

There were three in the cafeteria now. Dr. Sarah was eating some lunch. She looked disinterested in the two who entered, more focused on her food. Dr. Hal was disinterested in her too, he walked around her to get to the nutrient dispenser. But Dr. Param took notice of Dr. Sarah, and they headed for her. “Greetings sarah. What are you eating?” They asked. It was some sort of soup. “Tuna soup.” She said after taking a bit to chew her food before answering. She had manners, she would have you know. Her soup looked kinda gross, but she wasn't complaining. Dr. Param nodded. “That's nice. I was wondering...well...I was wondering if there was any way that you could provide more information about the vivisection tomorrow?” Sarah looked at them with an annoyed expression. “I'm eating, Dr. Param. I would prefer not to talk about this right now.”

Dr. Param made a small noise of annoyance of their own, and sighed. “You're right, sorry.” They said as they walked away. They didn't understand what all this secrecy was about. Why would this vivisection be done on such short notice? Dr. Param didn't like it, they didn't like it one bit. This was unorderly. Something that interrupted and destroyed routine. They were soon roused from their annoyed vagaries when they saw that Dr. Hal was waiting for them.

“Are you done being a detective?” He asked, one arm on the machine, the other sat on his hip. “It's hardly detective work to just ask a simple question.” They retorted, taking a pack of nutrient solution out of the glorified fridge.

“You would be surprised, i’m pretty sure that's what being a detective is all about.” “So youre saying that I'm Sherlock Holmes now? That's nice of you.” Param smirked, popping the container open and inserting the needle that came with it into the back of their head. But they kept missing the hole. “Can you be like watson and help me with this darn needle?” They asked. “Sure just let me-” click, it was finally inserted into the right place. The juice poured into their brain, which was a pleasant sensation. “Thanks.” They said with a smile. “They should have made your body more streamlined for this kind of thing. Having the hole in the back of your head is a bit inefficient.” He huffed.

“I actually like my body, thank you very much. I am the sexiest cyborg here.” They said, smirking. “Yeah sure.” Dr. Hal rolled his eyes. He didn't have a mouth, but he was smiling too, with his eyes. Sarah audibly groaned. She was so tired of having to hear those two’s banter all the time. It was so incredibly annoying! She was just trying to eat some soup, she didn't need to hear these weirdos talking about their bodies or whatever. The two scientists looked at her when she loudly groaned, before looking away. The two had an odd relationship with her. She was one of the more friendly scientists, as long as you didnt get between her and her goals. She got up and threw her plastic soup bowl in the trash and walked over to the two of them. “So the vivisection-” She began. “I can't tell you very much about it, but I will tell you that the subject has a fear of the dark.” She looked at her feet, almost shamefully. She seemed to be really hesitant to talk about this, but she was friends with the two scientists, and she wanted to make what was about to come easier on them.

“A lot of people have a fear of the dark.” Dr. Hal remarked. “But I appreciate the morsel of help. Is there anything else you can tell us?” “Hm.” Dr. Sarah thought for a moment. “She also has a fear of being perceived as weak. At least that's what the psychiatric tests told us.” So it's a female then. Dr. Param thought. “Alright. Thanks for the help.” They said brightly. Dr. Hal nodded. He figured that they wouldn't get much more info out of Sarah, and it was getting late. Might as well turn in for the night soon. He tapped Dr. Param on the shoulder and gestured towards his quarters. “I’m going to go to sleep now. See you tomorrow?” Dr. Param blinked, and looked at a clock, surprised at how late it was. It was almost 10 pm. They nodded. “See you tomorrow.” They repeated. Hal walked away as Sarah and Param continued to talk for a little bit. Eventually Dr. Param said goodbye to Sarah as well. Dr. Param’s quarters were the same size as Dr. Hal’s. But they had no bed like he did. They just had a metal table in which they laid their body on. They couldn't feel cloth, so a bed was unneeded. A small pile of junk lay in the corner of their room. Bottlecaps, paper clips and pens that they had collected. They looked at it as they initiated their body to release sleeping chemicals to lull their brain to sleep. Dr. Param was painfully human, despite being unrecognizable as one.

#brainjarred #oc #oc story #chapter 2

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beizhuo · 4 years ago

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alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks .

understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft !

harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !

please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .

DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )

the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .

myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .

my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it .

i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing !

sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .

going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .

MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY .

do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit .

now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .

i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .

as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .

thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .

and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .

DRAMA / CALLOUTS.

imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’

i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig .

okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .

somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .

i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .

i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !

i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .

now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .

i have a friend that has this on their blog .

i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :)

fuck you if drink kool aide .

THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.

i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .

also there are physical disabilities as well btw .

if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .

end of story .

treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks .

please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: .

i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them .

but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .

but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you .

anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .

STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.

im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them .

DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER .

you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )

❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'

like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them.

that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.

but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.

i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .

anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!

TL ; DR

read my rules ig . idk .

you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .

i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .

my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care . dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care .

if they feel bad when i call them out , if they try to go around and do damage control , then that means they are guilty .

and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?

i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .

❛ you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .

anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack .

anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !

#long post.#update tbd.#ooc tbd.#// i have no idea what else to tag this tbh .#there is drama mentions though so there is that i guess ?#but this is all important so ...#anyway ...#read / skim this or perish 🔪#also if you wanna like this to let me know you read / agree with this go ahead .#im not checking for typos i am tired .

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victorzsasz · 4 years ago

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big long rant under here just about Joel and things...

I was so close to reaching out again, I really think I should but I’m scared... I’m scared of what I’d do if it goes badly, like... I nearly killed myself twice over this, and idk... even with the support of my friend, I feel like I wont make it a third time.

It’s clear that theres a big miscommunication between us. I honestly thought he meant forever, he didnt mean temporarily like he claimed in his rant, he meant never talk about yakuza to him ever, and I extended that to all my previous and future and other hyperfixations. I honestly thought he wanted me to stop info dumping and sharing my opinions and love for whatever Im hyperfixated on.... almost like thats exactly what happened before with another group of friends that he knew about, and knew how much it hurt me and was triggering for me but whatever. He never communicated anything about how he was doing beyond maybe saying he was stressed, how was I supposed to know all the bad shit that was going on in his life if he wouldnt fuckin tell me?! riddle me that! I think he only mentioned one thing about something to do with his apartment app being sent to the wrong place or submitted wrong or something like that, and he mentioned how much the movers costed. I only found out about his family when he got mad at me about my hyperfixation stuff, and I respectfully really slowed down and calmed down and even made a completely separate thing just so I could respect him and the boundaries he set but ookkkaayyy.... Like yeah, I know I’m not the best at communicating either, but at least I tried... Also, he fuckin clearly knows nothing about hyperfixations and what they are, I tried explaining once but I’m not the best at language, but like... theyre not coping mechanisms, it has nothing to do with mental illness, I wasnt dumping my mental health on him or whatever. Hyperfixations are just something I do as someone (Im almost certain is but never got tested) on the autism spectrum. its part of my personality and always has been?? Its really only something I do to people I trust and feel comfortable with because well... it made me loose all my friends in the past so now Im very closed off about it. I also do it on the internet but thats different. I even 99% of the time restrained from talking about my TC hyperfixation because I just didnt think he was interested in that stuff and didnt want to hear about it and I didnt want to trigger him. Id tell him some small things sometimes if I just really wanted to tell someone about it, and id always make sure he was okay with me telling him about it before I told him.... Not that he ever really seemed to care about anything I told him... Also, hated how he acted like he himself isnt petty when like...the only way he couldve seen anything he talked about, hed have to go months through tweets or posts just to find anything.... alright... also hes done a fuckton of petty stuff, like yeah I can be petty at time but dont act like youre not or youre above it. Also, like the reblogs werent guilt trip things?? Im sorry I wanted to fuckin express my feelings on my own personal blog???? thats honestly how I felt because I have fuckin bad depression, and trauma??? especially when it comes to discussing my interests??? He was the only person I talked a lot to about my hyperfixations, and so like.... of course I felt isolated and alone and like I had no one to talk to, because he was the only one and he never shared the same amount of interest in it (because hes neurotypical) and I just felt like I was annoying him and he couldnt relate so even tho I was messaging him about it, I still felt alone and like I had no one to talk to about it that could relate or anything like that. I legit had one friend, of course I felt alone. I honestly would like to apologise about how sometimes Id say lame or nerd or something like that after youd share stuff you liked, they were always meant as jokes, and im sorry if they didnt always come off as them. I shouldve specified they were or said jk jk all the time or something like that. I guess my stupid brain just always thought you knew as well?? theyre not very funny jokes anyways, and Im sorry... not that theres anyway you can see this... i dont think? theres still a lot I feel and want to say, but this is long enough already and I want to play stardew valley and i know you wont see this so like... whats the point besides getting my personal venting out

#long post #tbh followers dont bother reading this its just me venting

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drkcnry67 · 4 years ago

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title: will you be my date?

pairing: Jensen x reader

fluff 2020 sq: fake dating

rating: pg-13

tags: flirtation, wedding date, fake wedding date, meeting again first time in months, meeting the friends, faking it for the press, whats fake becomes reality, alot of fluffiness ness

summery: not telling

created for @spnfluffbingo

fluff 2020 masterlist part 1 part 2

our reader had met Jensen in disney world orlando of all places their month long vacay was spent together, their lives forever changed by that moment. now we come in after they have been apart and not seen eachother for almost 7 months.

it had almost been 7 months since the vacation that changed your entire life. you had gone and gotten a press job, you were set to cover a wedding in california in the next few weeks.

you made ready to travel and of course your best friend was coming with you. every good journalist needs a second in command. someone to take notes and answer calls and such. she was happy to do so.

Beth: “whose wedding are we covering?”

YN: “i dont know but its gonna be a wedding for the ages. i just hope there is no surprises while we are there and that we can outscoop those vulture presses in california.”

Beth: “why do they always have you covering weddings?”

YN: “cause my first article was a small wedding cover on a teacher at the university who had asked me to cover their wedding for the school paper. this firm liked how i did it so they have me covering weddings of all types.”

Beth: “have you heard from him?”

you smiled cause you knew she would ask. she always did like the caring best friend she was.

YN: “yes he said he was gonna be traveling for work in the next few days. so we will find time to talk in the next week or so.”

Beth smiled she knew you had fallen hard for Jensen and the way she had heard you speak about him she knew he had to be your one. as you were his.

Beth: “dont fret girl, you both will be back to your text routine in the next week. right now we have things to prepare. now lets go through the checklist.”

ah yes the check list. the same one you both went through a few days before every single trip you both took. this list went as follows:

pack: toiletries, 4 shirts, 2 pants, 2 skirts, 2 shorts, 2 sweater, 5 dresses, 4 shoes, camera, tripod, notbook, laptops, and other such equipment.

print out flight info, press papers and such.

call the landlord and let him know bout your trip and that he can collect and drop off your mail.

call your familys to let them know that you both were going on another trip.

double checking that you have everything packed the night before your flight.

eat when at the airport easier and less likely to be hungry on the flight.

call your boss and let her know your getting on the flight.

that was the list. this list gets checked, checked and triple checked. making sure that anything and everything you both would/might need while away was with you. this was your normal.

there were times you wished you could see jensen even for a moment to tell him of your stronger feelings. cause that was something that you simply did not do over text.

5 am flights are evil, but 330am flights are the devil. the good news was that you had this was the best flight of your life and best part was that your boss charged everything to the company card including any spending you girls may do while there,

being in this field of profession was amazing. most of the time you both took full advantage of this. okay all the time. this was the few times where you could both splurge and not worry bout the bank accounts.

Jensen was the one who was also boarding a flight at the same time. little did you both know was that you would see eachother sooner than you both would think.

Jensen: “bro i wish i could see her again trust me when i say i feel it, she is my soulmate. she is the one i am meant to be with for the rest of my life. but how do i tell her of these feelings over text. it doesnt seem right. when/if i see her again im gonna tell her the truth.”

Jared: “if fate comes together the way it should, you will in time bro. you will see her again and have the chance to tell her the truth.”

Jensen: “ya i guess your right. so you ready to go. Misha isnt gonna wait forever.”

within a few hours on a flight you and your bestie were at the airport, grbabing your luggage and heading to meet the cab to get to the hotel you were staying at.

the Ayres Hotel Manhattan Beach LAX this was one of the nicest hotels you both had stayed at in your adventures. you checked in and went to your room.

YN: “do you think i could ever be truly happy.?.”

Beth: “what ever would give you such an idea that you wouldnt be?”

YN: “maybe the fact that Jensen is all i have been able to think about when it comes to dating and i have no idea where he is or if i will ever see him again.”

Beth: “believe me girl when i say that you will find your happily ever after with the right man, whether that be Jensen or not.”

YN: “thank you for being my best friend.”

Beth: “your welcome now lets get into something cute and go for a stroll through town there are bound to be a few small shops that we want to hit. dont worry bout anything girl. we will find love soon. both of us. dont worry about any of this relationship buisness. now whose wedding are we covering this time.”

you took out the notes and looked at the name. before now you had not heard of the show supernatural. you were not in the know how, you were in the comic book side of things and more into superheros. Supernatural never came up.

Beth was the one person who you always counted on when you were well going through life. you knew that one day maybe sometime soon, you would find thr one person you were always meant to be with, or the fact that you possibly have already found yours.

Jensen and Jared were in the same area as you and Beth little did you know that you would both bump into the 2 men who one of which had already strolled into your life and practically stollen your heart.

Jensen and Jared were walking in suit of you and Beth neither of you aware of the other party. but as Jensen and Jared were walking along they realized that they hadnt eaten.

you had made your way into the food court with Beth, you both sat in the santa lucia in that food court waiting for your pasta bowls. both of you waiting for the pasta and thats when you heard it, when your ears caught wind of the voice you had not heard for almost 7 months. the voice that had calmed you down.

the voice that made your vacation in florida alot better. you got up out of your seat and turned around.

YN: “Jensen.”

at the sound of his name Jensen turned towards you. it was like something out of a hollywood movie, you both moved magnetized towards eachother landing once more in eachothers embrace. after months of not having seen eachother, not being able to feel a single touch or to hear a voice was as breathtaking as the day you both first met.

lingering in the embrace for a while made both of your best friends finally realize what the hell just happened.

Jensen: “omg i cant believe that your here.”

YN: “you cant believe it, neither can i. but what are you doing here i thought you were working?”

Jensen: “im the best man at my other best friends wedding.”

You smiled…

YN: “what a coincidence im here as a journalist to cover a wedding suppsed to be a huge deal and im supposed to get the best most amazing article ever again.”

Jensen and Jared decided they would join you and Beth for lunch so you and Jensen could have some time.

Jensen: “im sorry i didnt tell you where or what…”

YN: “no worries. neither of us lied we just werent specific. whose your best friend whose getting married.”

Jensen: “whose your client?”

Beth chimes in at that moment…

Beth: “why dont you both say the first name at the same time on the count of 3.”

you and Jensen turned to face eachother as the countdown started…

Beth: “1… 2… 3…”

both you and Jensen had taken a huge breath to make sure that it would come out clear as a bell.

Both (Jensen & YN): “Misha…”

the looks of shock crossed both of your features…

Jensen: “your one of the reporters covering my best friends wedding…”

YN: “yes and im gonna write a better article than any of them… i have many journalist enemies. ask Beth my best friend and partner in journalist crime fighting.”

Jensen: “its very nice to finally meet you Beth YN has spoken nothing but good things about her best friend. my best friend in the universe is the man sitting right beside yours this is Jared…”

Jared who now was gazing at Beth turned to you to greet you.

Jared: “its an honor to meet the mystery woman who my brother here had not shut up about. dude did you tell her?”

Jensen now had his hand around yours firmly but neither of you had noticed anyone out of the ordinary around. but in truth there were photographers. hidden ones 2 of them, snapping photos of you Jensen Jared and Beth little known to any of you but your photos would be all over the tabloids in the morning of next.

unbeknown to those photographers your boss was also a lawyer and she would eat those photographers bosses for breakfast lunch dinner and dessert.

Jensen: “Jared, Misha and i are celebrities we are the main stars of the hit tv show Supernatural…”

YN: “i didnt realize.. i mean no disrespect or anything but i would have had no idea that you were a celebrity if you had not just told me…”

Jensen: “i hope your not mad that i didnt tell you.”

You put your hand on his and smiled.

YN: “i am not mad at all… umm there is nothing about this in any of my books.”

Jensen: “well we will have lunch, all 4 of us will go shopping and touring and then we will go back to the hotel and introduce you to our hit tv show. speakign of which what hotel are you guys at?”

you were smiling as you pulled the room card out and showed it to Jensen, who just smiled happily like a kid in a candy store. this was probably the happiest moment you had experienced since your vacation to florida.

Jensen: “so we are in the same hotel and our suites are right beside eachother. this is gonna be the best few weeks ever…”

YN: “agreed plus now you can experience the world the way i see it…”

Jensen: “i look forward to it… now whats for lunch?”

You smiled and remembered how much you missed Jensen’s commitment to every single meal…

YN: “never ending pasta bowls if the waitress comes back… but i was now thinking maybe we can all just split a couple pizzas whatever we dont eat we can get in take out containers and eat for dinner tonight… oh that reminds me Beth did you bring the list and the bags?”

Beth smiled and nodded. you had the backpack she had the purse and the shopping bags. the guys got the just of what you were talking about when they saw all the bags…

Jensen: “wow you are gonna do some massive shopping hmm…”

YN: “well we dont plan to eat out every single night and day… sure we are on company card with no limits but thats not how we roll we always stay in a hotel with a suite style so kitchenette and such…thats why we are where we are.”

Jensen: “you are as smart as you are cunning and beautiful. now lets go shopping and maybe ill get something special for a special girl.”

this made your heart flutter of course neither you not Jensen had admitted anytihng yet. but maybe it will come out soon. but not right then.

YN: “your so sweet… but i am still hungry…”

Jensen: “then lets bring the waiter and order our food…”

Jensen waves down the waitress who comes take your order and comes back 20 min later with your food, the bags full of your pizzas portioned into meals, as well as the pasta bowl for you all to split.

after lunch, you all exited the food court and went to walk around. you and Beth hit several hundred stores for clothing, stationary, electronics, groceries etc. Jensen had bought several items since he went everywhere you did as Jared did Beth.

Jared: “i have an idea why dont we all watch supernatural together i think both of these ladies deserve to see why we are some of the countries most amazing actors. cause im sure we have enough snacks to make it quite far in the show. plus i think we can all also play a game or 2 of truth or dare… make this a game night…”

with everyone in agreemnet, you all hit a few more shops on the way back to the hotel. arms full of shopping bags full of food and miscellanious items of various varieties. including another 2 small suitcases to help bring back everything you and Beth bought.

arriving back at the hotel, you all head into your seperate rooms to put down all your shopping stuff, then Jensen and Jared arrive back a few moments later to see you going through the papers on the table.

Jensen: “what are you doing beautiful?”

YN: “going over my list so i know what i have to bring to the wedding… which i know isnt for a few days yet but if i want to write the best article and make my boss proud once again i have to do all the research i can…”

Jensen looked at Jared who nodded his head as both of them were thinking the exact same idea…

Jensen: “do you want a few quotes from us as we are in the wedding party…”

you grabbed your notebook questionaire and pen and ushered the guys to the table. where sitting down the following interview took place:

YN: “thank you both of you for offering to give me some insight ahead of the wedding. i know you both are dedicated to every cause you must be involved in but you both have so many talents. can either of you tell me any details about the wedding from your perspective?”

Jared ushers to Jensen for him to answer the question…

Jensen: “Misha is our dear friend, brother and co star so its an honor for us to have helped him with his wedding. this wedding contains a kind of simpleness that would soothe any bad mood. from what ive seen of the hall already it looks amazing and the couple is happy as can be. we are all very exicted about the big day.”

you finish writing down the quote and then you smile as you look at your question list.

YN: “one more question, who will both of you be bringing to the wedding as your dates?”

Jensen: “im going solo to see what the evening harolds for me.”

Jared: “same here, cause we mostly want to make that evening about Misha and Victoria, they need to have the most amazing day ever and if we can find our happiness during the event then we will pursue whatever comes our way.”

YN: “thank you both of you for those beautiful words. ill definately have the best article now… i believe someone said something about introducing us to Supernatural. and will there be some cuddling involved?”

you sent a wink Jensen’s way..

Jensen: “so ladies where are we watching the show? out here or in one of the bedrooms?”

both beth and Jared noticed the subtle enchanges between you and Jensen, knowing that with the cuddling would come eventually fallin asleep into your afternoon naps, which usually would take place after lunch.

you held Jensen’s hand leading him into the bedroom where the bed was right in front of the television. this television was already programed with netflix and such.

Jensen and you took off your coats and shoes and got cozy on the bed. Jared and Beth sat on the fouton couch and quietly watched you and Jensen hoping that you both would find happiness in eachother.

but it was up to you and Jensen to figure out from within yourselves first if you both truly wanted this. Jared and Beth wouldnt interfere… they just wanted their friends to be happy.

YN: “okay whose got the remote cause we dont.”

Beth: “im on it bestie…”

she shot a wink your way and you smiled as Jensen’s hand was on your thigh under the blanket. his fingers cool to the touch on your skin. this was your happy place.

Jared: “you both are gonna love this show…”

the pilot starts and you feel Jensen’s fingers tracing circles into your thigh, Jared and Beth are on the couch looking all normal cozy. you and Jensen were all bed cozy.

at the end of the pilot you and Jensen nodded off, the exhaustion had finally caught up, your head was Nestled into Jensen’s neck his arms were around your form as you both were passed out.

Jared: “they passed out faster than expected. would you like to go back to my room so these 2 can sleep for the night in peace.”

Beth: “lets go cause im sure they arent waking up anytime soon.”

Beth and Jared sneak out of the hotel room, you and jensen remain peacefully asleep, this was your salvation. this was to be your future if you played your cards right.

several hours later you and Jensen stirred to the smell of Bacon and food variants. Waking up you both smiled and got up walking out of the bedroom and into the main room.

On the table was the rolled up newspaper, you un rolled it, that’s when you got up and backed against the wall. You were starting to break down.

Jensen: “YN what’s wrong?”

You only pointed to the newspaper on the table and started to cry. Jensen looked at the paper and would have fallen on the ground if the chair had not been there. That’s when Jared and Beth saw the paper.

Jared: “oh my God!”

Beth: “shit. Jensen get YN into the other room and make sure she has her phone she needs to call her boss now!”

Jensen gets to you and carries you to the bedroom, both of you sitting on the bed. He hands you your phone with which you hold before it rings. Jensen takes your phone and answers it:

Jensen: “hello."

Talia: "is YN there? I saw something on the tabloids and… Wait a minute are you Jensen?”

Jensen: “yes thats me… i wish i was meeting the woman who YN says is the best boss in the universe under better circumstances. she and i both saw the paper, she is in shock… she is unresponsive im afraid…”

Talia: “can you put me on speaker so she can hear what i have to say…”

Jensen puts you on speaker.

talia: “YN i know you are on the verge of a breakdown but i just spoke to the LA times and they are using it as blackmail against you. they want you to drop your claim on covering the wedding of Misha Collins and if you dont they will keep following you and Jensen and spreading more and more destruction to your name. i can not even stress how this looks, i hope this works out im also negociating with the director of the LA times on your behalf. you both cannot afford to be seen in public together before the wedding. so take great care and be careful.”

YN: “talia please be smart when negociating with these LA Times Snakes. and please keep us informed as to what you find. and tell them i will not renounce my claim on this story, i will not be bullied into something as petty as blackmail for finding someone special and sitting down to have lunch with them but thank you for talking to them...”

Talia: “your welcome. talk to you soon.”

the call disconnects leaving both you and Jensen in the bedroom. this was to be your downfall. you could not handle being the center of attention especially now knowing that it was blackmail.

YN: “im so sorry about this Jensen. if not for me you would never have gotten involved with this stupid News paper company. the la times has been after me for years. since my first time covering weddings here in LA i have been at war with the LA times. and this is the last straw. they have finally played their dirty card. fine i guess it will have to be most upsetting to them when they learn why im the best at writing wedding articles which they are about to learn this lesson the hard way.”

Jensen: “let me call Misha so we can figure this out…”

Jensen pulls out his phone and hits dial on Misha’s number… once Misha answers the following conversation takes place:

Misha: “ah its my best man…”

Jensen: “have you seen the la times today good buddy?”

Misha yells to be handed the paper and gasps as soon as he sees it…

Misha: “thats the girl whose supposed to be covering the wedding. shoot me a text on where you guys are. ill find a way to come to you… or i can meet you wherever whenever i just need to know more.”

Jensen: "drive your self for this one Misha cause no one can be trusted, the LA times is blackmailing YN we are currently on lockdown in the Ayres Hotel Manhattan Beach LAX. Pull to the underground parkade entrance, wait for jared he will meet you down there and he will drive you into the parkade and park the car in our room spot. He will then bring you up to the room where we are."

Your only concern was that your feelings were growing stronger, neither of you were fully aware yet of the others affections for the other.

You and Jensen spent the next few days away from public eye, before the wedding hanging out binging supernatural with Jared and Beth as well as playing monopoly.

Oh that was how you all showed your awful sides. Of course Jensen was sweet at times during the game but not always. Then it was the night before the wedding, this was to be the night that you would supposed to present your feelings out loud to Jensen.

you and Beth were getting ready to leave, Beth making sure that she had everything for the both of you to have an amazing evening as well as get the article done and the photos and everything else.

Beth: “are you sure you should still go and cover the wedding...”

YN: “im not gonna let these LA snakes get away with blackmailing me i need to do this... i need to prove that i cant be scared so easily. plus if i dont go tonight i wont probably get another chance to tell Jensen how i truly feel. now do you have everything?”

Beth: “yes i have the bags, the camera, the spare camera, and everything else that i think we will possibly need for tonight. dont worry girl, jensen misha Jared and everyone else will be there to safe guard you from the horrible snakes. now lets go. Jared is downstairs with Jensen in the car.”

You both head down the elevator and smile alot, the dresses you both now wore flowing with each graceful step you both took.

The car became into view, Jensen and Jared were waiting to help you both into the vhicle...

Jensen: “my god you girls look fantastic. YN lets kick some reporter ass...”

YN: “exactly. now lets go this...”

Beth and Jared look at the way you and Jensen are with eachother and come up with a brilliant idea...

beth: “fake it... guys you already act like a couple so take it a step further fake date fake being a couple at the wedding only a few of us will know the truth but the others will have no idea that its fake. the fact that the times already thinks you a couple, so why not trick them into thinking they were right.”

you and Jensen agreed, for the sake of your sanity and your job you had to sell this fake reality of you and Jensen as a couple, also it might be the easiest way to confess your feelings to Jensen...

jensen: “im game, if it means getting those la snakes to back the fuck off..”

YN: “absolutely. plus it will make one hell of a bonus article. and for once i would be in the news instead of reporting it... beth could write the article...”

Beth: “it would be an honor. how long till we arrive at the site of the wedding...”

Jared: “about 10 minutes.”

Jensen: “how bout when we walk up we pose some romanitic photos let them chew it all up, then when its right we tell them this rivalry is over... but kinda want to make sure tonight is as realistic as possible.”

YN: “but of course we will do what we can to make tonight real.”

the car stops and you look out the window...

YN: “i am so scared of this, but there is a massive part of me thats like this is gonna be the best end to the rivalry i could have ever asked for. now lets kick some la snake ass!”

Jensen opens the door and steps out first, Jared follows then Jensen holds his hand out to you which you graciously accept. the press begins to have a field day, they begin to snap photos and try to get quotes from both you and Jensen.

Jared and Beth are right behind you. all of you stopping every so often for photos but not talking to the press, that would be for later.

Jared and jensen led both you and Beth to the back where Misha and Victoria were Beth put her bag for you and her back there as the song started.

The people gathered in their seats. You guys filled Misha and vic in on the plan. the ceremony started, the music played Jared and Beth went down the aisle first, Beth stood on the brides side while jared stood on the grooms side.

Jared: “hey how do those LA snakes look?”

Beth takes a small glance at them...

Beth: “they are chattering amongst themselves. their photographer is also itching to take more phtoos of Jensen and YN... do you think this is gonna work?”

Jared: “as long as everyone else does their part, there will be victory for us this day!”

the processional continued with you and jensen coming down the aisle. the camera lights flashing many many times. you and Jensen split to your seperate sections as the song changed.

Misha came out first and stood to the left of jensen. then victoria came out a few moments later. her walk up the aisle turned many heads. you had set up 2 tri pods that were catching the photos on your press of a button.

this article on the wedding would be amazing! Your heart begins racing a thousand miles a minute, beth hiddenly puts her calming hand on the small of your back... there was a huge pit in your stomach, you didnt know why but there wasnt alot else to say about that.

Priest: “i now pronounce you husband and Wife. Misha you may now kiss your bride...”

you go into happy mode as the wedding ceremony finishes, misha and victoria exit the ceremony hall back to the starting room with you jensen jared and beth behind them.

Misha: "i cant believe that just happened. Jensen YN we are very impressed with how you both are pulling this off... “

YN: “thank you but i am very very shakey right now i need to breathe.”

Jensen watches as you go to the window and stand there... he then turns back to the others...

Jensen: “guys we need to divide and conquer... during the speeches tonight i will confess my love to YN, and when i do she will realize that my feelings are as real as hers... yes i know her feelings are real... i have been noticing the signs... tonight not only do we take down those LA snakes but i also confess something alot larger than any of us know.. the power of true love.”

Beth: “let me go see how YN is doing i have known her for well ever and she does well under most pressure but this is breaking point. she needs the right kind of comfort... we have been through many of these through the years of reporting and its always the LA snakes that set it off... now lets see if i can coax her out of the corner.”

Beth went over to you, she didn't want you to feel alone. But she wanted to make sure you were okay.

Beth: "you okay girl."

YN: "no the way those snakes were looking at me was nerve wrecking. I have never been the news in this way before. I am scared they can't be allowed to get my rep down the bad way."

Beth: "and you think this plan of yours is gonna work out for the best?"

YN: “it has to, i have to show the world that i am no one to be triffled with, i have to make them regret messing with me, i have to show the world that i am no longer the same mild reporter who started covering weddings all those years ago. i have to show the world who i belong too. Jensen is the one. he is the one that i want to spend the rest of my life with. i just hope that he feels it too.”

Beth gave you a side hug. this is your best friend, the one person who you can count on. pretty easily i may add. anyway, you and Beth walked back to the wedding party.

Jensen: “ready to go mingle the press... eevryone know the plan?”

everyone nods, Jensen takes your hand followed by Beth and Jared walking out to greet the crowd. ignoring the press for now you all mingle with the different guests, the press just turn their noses, the tripods still doing their jobs, oh man was Beth gonna be surprised at all the amazing photos. also great for a photo album.

YN: “just be prepared for anything. me and Beth went round and set up some tripods, controlled by the touch of a button, that Beth will have control of right now. i have 1 particular shot that i feel might get those snakes to reer their ugly mugs... just dont let me fall..”

Jensen: “im down, besides i would never let you fall.”

you, Jensen, beth and Jared all greeting guests and smiling photographers taking photos or at least trying to, but something kept making them blury. oh ya it was the extra flashes that you and Beth had installed.

Jared stepped away from you all for a moment to go to the podium.

Jared: “thank you all for coming out, the wedding party myself included would like to thank you all in honor of the bride and Grooom for coming out to this momentus occasion. the bride and Groom will make their appearance again shortly but first things first every please find somewhere to sit, make yourselves comfortable. and ill be back up here shortly to introduce the wedding party including myself as sooon as i get the okay. now find your seat!”

while everyone made their ways to their seats, you Jensen and Beth were waiting by the wedding party entrance.Jared came back and smiled standing by Beth.

Beth: “how did those snakes look?”

Jared: “they looked positively pissed that they havent gotten any good shots of YN and Jensen. something about the flashes or something like that. i have no idea. honestly im gonna be happy if this plan works. so when it comes time for the speeches, obviously Misha and Vic will go last, jensen and YN will go second ill go up with Beth first... once everyone is seated that is...”

looking at all the people now fully seated there were so many feelings swirling inside you. but about 99.9% of those feelings were nerves, the nerves of what was about to happen.

Jensen: “your gonna do amazing, just keep calm and know im not gonna let you fall. do not let these snakes get the better of you.”

YN: “i know. i just hope they don’t come out of this trapsing my name more through the mud and flushing my career further down the toilet. i cant begin to describe how i am feeling at the moment, i just want you to know that whatever happens out there, whatever is said, i want you to know that everything is the truth.”

Jensen smiled as Jared and Beth walked up to the podium as jared began to speak once more.

Jared: “whats good guys! i am Jared Padalecki groomsman to the groom, this lovely lady beside me is Beth Larsen bridesmaid to the bride. now the maid of honor and the best man are yet to appear but before they do let me introduce us a little bit. so i have known Misha for well several years now, our friendship became instant. when Misha got engaged both me and Jensen the best man, immediately threw him a bunch of parties, all 4 of us jumping immediately into wedding planning. we had our own ideals, we had alot of fun planning and putting all thought and soul into this special day. this is a day of memories, this is a momentous occassin that i am sure will go down in history as a wonderful wedding for the ages. now i am proud to introduce the wonderful Best Man and the even more lovely maid of honor, please put your hands together for Jensen and YN!”

the crowd went nuts, the photographers took photos and notes as you and Jensen walked up on stage together. standing at the podium side by side jensen speaks first.

Jensen: “thanks Jared for that awesome introduction. whats up Los Angelos!!! i am Jensen Ackles, the best man and Misha’s other best friend. when i heard Misha was getting married i was eccstatic. he was achieving the thing i want most in this world. is to be happy, to love and be loved in return. and in my own way i think ive found it.”

YN: “hey everyone, most of you reporters know me but for those that need a name to the face, my name is YN. my life is not always this glamorous. i cover weddings for a living. since this year began i have been on vacation met some new friends and happily i can announce that i think i’ve fallen in love. for these last few years i have been persecuted by one particular news group the LA times are blackmailing me, but i am here to tell you that i have to confess that this entire trip to LA has been mostly spent locked away in my hotel room. i had friends surrounding me, but you LA snakes do not scare me but you need to be scared of me. for everything that you guys are doing right now is being recorded, photos are being captured the credit for the article that will cover this wedding for my news paper forum goes to my best friend beth larsen. she has gotten every single moment and i hope she catches this one too.”

thats when you turn to jensen and smile as you hold both his hands in your own before continuing to speak.

YN: “7 and a half months ago, jensen walked into my life. literally. but our story was not too end there, what started out as embarrassing now comes round full circle. i know that this life isnt easy, and this is definately gonna drag my name through every single news board in the world. but Jensen i love you! its time i stop trying to fool myself by denying my feelings and just come out and say it. this is really sudden but will you consider coming back home with me and Beth once we are done here?”

Jensen looked at you like you were a completely different person, someone he knew but didnt know. someone who he knew he was meant to be with for eternity to come.

Jensen: “well as my flight is with Jared and seeing as though he seems pretty cozy with beth im gonna say yes i would be honored to come back home with you. YN i love you too. i just didnt know if you felt the same way. now as sure as i am standing here i know you are the one i want by my side always and forever.”

thats when he spun you round and kissed you, the passion bringing camera flashes from all across the room. the rest of the party reception thing was a blurr, the one thing that you and Jensen remmebered was the confessions you both had made. that was something neither of you would forget anytime soon.

~to be continued~

#spnfluffbingo

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skyfrost-nail-kincare · 4 years ago

Note

Ohhh the Neon Moon tarot deck seems awesome! I was wondering, could I possibly request a general tarot reading with that deck for my Terry “Bam Bam” Gordy (WCW) canon? I remember being autistic and having a crush on Michael “P.S.” Hayes and Buddy “Jack” Roberts. Both of them were auautistic, too. I didn’t have a lot of friends, cuz most of the guys thought I was weird, cuz I mostly used sign language to talk and I happy flapped A LOT. Let me know if you need any more info, and thanks!

yeah, of course! thats enough info yeah, but i feel the need to say that i dont really know much about wrestling and the stories behind the personas,, so its kinda hard sometimes! but thank you for trusting me w this ♥

youll find your reading below the cut!

- mod tobin [dimitri]

aight! as i said, im going to be prefacing every reading using this deck with the notes.

the suits are different: vials are cups, wires are wands, arms are swords, and zent is pentacles!

also, the statuses are different: advisors are pages, agents are knights, supervisors are queens, and executives are kings!

now, onto the reading!

ill be using my general past life spread for this!

early life: the reversed devil

early-on, it seems you felt more free (freer?) than you did later. you were more happy-go-lucky, yet you also had a sense of awareness to you that some were less kind than others. you stuck around those who were nice to you, which im assuming included buddy and michael.

mid life: the nine of arms

this makes me think you underwent some trauma, having nightmares and anxiety due to this. potentially from being manipulated? theres no theme of comfort to the card, but id hope those who you remained close to helped you through this time.

late life: the executive of wires

when you finally came to terms with everything thatd happened, you found yourself a bit of a leader. whether it was your position in your group, or just your personality filling out into a very forward/driven type, you were doing pretty great!

problem solving: the reversed four of vials

you werent too good at solving problems on your own, this card tells me it was probably because of a lack of observational skills. thats totally valid though, and i completely understand--those who were kind to you likely helped you through problems.

the problems themselves: the reversed apprentice of arms

your problems were often self-caused, you wanted to rush through everything hastily, getting it all done before whatever deadline was presented to you (if there even was one), im assuming so youd have some time to yourself. if you werent rushing, you were just flat-out not doing the thing--you didnt want to put time into things you didnt enjoy, which i also totally get.

the end: the reversed ten of arms

something new was just beginning at the very end, something you wouldnt live to see, but that you were part of (at least in the beginning stages). im not sure what this could be!

if any of this sounds wrong, you can use the notes to look up the card meanings for yourself--otherwise, i hope this does sound right, and i hope you think this reading is adequate!

#tarot reading #kin tarot reading

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miserybegins · 5 years ago

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hey mack! you dont have to respond to this if its too personal or weird of a question but i was just curious how you work with budgeting/time off/and traveling when following franks tours and tours like it because i wanna do it SO BAD

its not too personal but..i dont have a very good answer for it. this could get long (even though i said i dont have a good answer...smh...i just feel like i need to lay out the background info) so im gonna put it under a cut

so i avoid talking about my home life because im embarassed. i still live at home and i dont pay most of my bills. this is largely because i am severely mentally ill and only this year (july) found a medication that helps to stop the constant racing suicidal thoughts. and when you’re literally constantly thinking about killing yourself and that you wont be around much longer (even if you dont act on it) its hard to...move forward in life.

so i have a college degree and i had an internship my senior year with a company that loved me and wanted me to work there and then when i applied i didnt get the job and i basically gave up (part of my bpd) because the rejection was so hard to handle and i felt like it was my only option.

i ended up getting a job at a food place where i worked pretty much full time and became a manager and the money wasnt enough to like move out or pay my bills but it was enough and my parents werent getting on me about it too much at that time cause i had just graduated and i didnt know what i was ready for and to be honest my mom especially has babied me and done everything for me my entire life so like....a LOT of things are especially hard for me and i love and appreciate all that shes done but i wish she had let me fend for myself more cause now im 25 and feel useless ANYWAY

the jobs ive had in the past 2.5 years have mostly made it possible for me to follow tours, they allowed time off and i made enough so that i could save for tickets and stuff like that. however, many times my christmas and birthday presents have been flights or tickets, because they know generally how hard of a time im having all the time and that it means so much to me. theyve definitely enabled me with the whole thing.

nowadays i make basically no money at hot topic cause they give me literally 6 hours a week which i think is bullshit but...idk what else im going to do rn. i started working at hot topic after i spent a month in the hospital in july following a suicide attempt. no one expected me to get a new job right away but i took a leap of faith and applied there and got the job AND starting taking a class at a community college about a month after i was out.

and now i like have a plan. im not using my original degree cause im not passionate about it but im in the process of applying for a surgical tech program which my parents will support me through and then when i graduate ill be able to get a job that pays enough for me to get my own place and pay my own bills and stuff. i am working towards it! you probably didnt need to know all of this but i sometimes feel like im not telling the whole truth when people ask me about how i do tours and stuff

anyway, that all being said, the best thing to do is to just save all of your extra money, all the time. it’s ok to let yourself buy things once in a while but i personally have a habit of spending a lot of money on food that i dont need to as well as other stuff. if you only pay for the things that are necessary and save the rest, depending on your job, it can add up quickly and make it easier for you to do more shows and travel. it just depends on if its a priority for you. shows are my happy place and my priority so its easy for me to say im not gonna go do such and such thing when that could be money for a ticket.

if anyone actually read this whole thing im sorry..

#anonymous #answered

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masahikass · 5 years ago

Text

okay so since i couldn’t resist, here’s some info about my random ie:go steven universe!au because i have no energy for online lessons :)

also i didn’t want to post about another au since @/primsbean is making so many posts about her ie:go madoka magica!au which i fUCKING LOVE OHMYGOD- but yeah, alternate universes are my favorite snacc. i have another one to talk about but first let’s say things about the SU one <3

under the cut because it’s LONG - and remember i’m not a native english so i might do some mistakes

okay so first of all, don’t blame me if there will be some events that don’t follow the plot (since i’m NOT remaking steven universe with ie charas!!!!! please keep this in mind) or events that Rebecca Sugar would have never inserted in her show. I respect everyone who worked at steven universe, and my intention is not to say their plot/story was bad, i’m just adding something that did never happen with any chara in the su series to make my au more original, that’s it. peace and love oN THE PLANET EARTH- okay that was the best su song hands down

also keep in mind gems don’t have “gemmic” names (if you know just a little of the su series, you should know all the gems are named after their gem, but i wont give that kind of names to the ie boys - or should i call them gems then? lol)

all the gems - for now - will be males too (as there werent any og male gems in steven universe besides steven, which is an hybrid though so...)

i will list each chara’s gem and ability after the general plot <3

so, the actual protags (though all the charas are!!! these are the two) are Tenma and Fey, who are around 5,000 years old - please if you don’t remember how the gems’ years worked go search it up, there are so many threads about that - and protect inazuma city (insert shooked face) from corrupted gems’ attacks. these attacks are not really frequent and they seem to deal with the situation, but one day they start increasing, being more frequent than usual and also the gems who attack are stronger and different from the previous ones. Fey starts making a theory about a possible new attempt of the homeworld gems (i still haven’t decided which charas will “represent” them, though, since this plot is a kind of season 1 we could say??) to start colonizing Earth via war, as they already did 3,500 years before the current events but failed, with the terrestrial gems rejecting them but also losing a lot of them - since some of them got shattered during the war and others escaped to travel to other planets to start colonizing them theirselves so they could live a new, pacific life. Tenma, at first, isn’t that sure about what Fey said, but as the corrupted gems’ attacks kept increasing he realized he could have been right. as they’re the only two gems who protect their city, they start thinking they should ask help to someone, trying to find more powerful gems.

Fey suggests to search for a trio (whose name is still not 100% sure... i randomly thought about Prism Trio just because I couldn’t remake Crystal Gems ahahah I still don’t know) which protect old war ruins in a forgotten area which is actually near Inazuma City though - but still, only some gems know about it, for example Fey did researches but Tenma knew nothing. This trio will be formed by your local ie:go chaotic trio aka Shindou, Kirino and Kariya (well, if i don’t get any more ideas for the name, then Gay Trio will be alright), who are respectively 7,600, 8,000 and 7,100 years old and actually fought in the first war. They find them fighting against a corrupted fusion, and try to join them to finish it easily and fastly. As they actually give the trio a good help, they still get scolded by them because they went in an area they shouldn’t have been to. However, the trio is still thankful to them for their help, and when Fey tells them about the situation in Inazuma City Shindou replies telling him his theory might be right as he had heard about the increasing attacks, also because the ruins were more attacked than usual in that period. Tenma kindly asks them if they could give their help back, coming with him and Fey and trying to reject the attacks together, even though he thought they’d never agree. Kirino is absolutely okay with that and shows positivity towards Tenma’s idea, while Kariya isn’t that sure since all of them should get used to a new routine, different from the one they were used to in the last millenniums. Shindou, who was neutral at the beginning, proved Kirino right since that would have been the best way to know more about the new attacks, and finally convinces Kariya to join them.

As they get in TenFey’s temple (which is the only thing IDENTICAL to the original SU one, except for the statue in the original version which is absent now), they start organizing their rooms (you know, in the temple there was that one door who led to each gem’s personal room, so the trio starts get used to them), they also keep fighting against new species of corrupted gems who keep attacking the city.

One day, then, all the five gems get to another ruins area, further from the ones the trio used to fight in, and at a moment Tenma remains alone and encounters... bepreparedtocringeihadnoideassorry... Sasuke. Yes, I did a Lion reference using Tenma’s dog instead. Original af, congrats. BY THE WAY,, he understands this gIaNt DoG (ohmygod the lion sounded better,, damn me and my dumb ideas) is related to gems somehow, and when he gets back - since Sasuke disappears after some seconds - tells the others about it, but everyone gets it as a joke and doesnt trust him. In the next fight, though, Sasuke approaches the gems and gives them help (still idk how, gotta rewatch all the lion episodes 382679345 times to get more ideas), so they all understand Tenma was right.

Some days after that, while Tenma is playing with Sasuke (gOOD BOY,,,,, I MEAN GEM,,,,,,,,,,), the dog drags him into a portal/warp (did i spell it good omg my english gets worse every day...) - just as lion sometimes does in the og series, lol - and since this warp keeps being open for some seconds, the other four gems enter it as Tenma might be in trouble alone. They all discover Sasuke led Tenma to an unknown area, which i wanted to be a desert bUT THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE OG SERIES HOLY SHI- so okay, let’s make it a normal land, where there’s a fight going on. They notice a gem fighting a corrupted one all alone, and this gem seems really in need of help so they try everything to save him (oMg SpOiLeRs ThE gEm Is A mALe ToO!!11!!!111!) as they see he doesn’t have any weapon and only fights with the things he finds around himself, such as common rocks. That gem is no one else (???) than Hikaru *cries in i needed to add him hes so baby* who tells the five gems he had never seen such a powerful corrupted gem before and that he was used to reject the previous attacks in that zone more easily, and when Tenma asks him if he wants to come with him and the others to the temple Hikaru accepts without any doubt. As he gets to the temple, the others ask him if he has any weapon, but he tells them he never had the strenght to “develop” one. Perhaps, his ability (the only i’ll reveal here in the plot!!) is really useful, as he can generate light from his gem and make people and other gems blind for a limited amount of time - which, at the beginning, is really short but always increasing. He also wants to practice it as he wants to control the limit of time (for example, blinding people/gems just for a minute even if he could do for ten). When he shows his ability to the other gems, they all get blind... besides Kariya and here the ship sails *coughs* n-nothing, who is actually immune to the light’s effect. Being the only one who doesnt get blind, he starts helping Hikaru to develop his weapon.

I still haven’t thought about the rest of the plot, but there are still three characters I wanted to add. In order: Kyousuke, as an hybrid whose backstory will be way different from Steven’s in the og series (as he wasn’t born an hybrid, neither one of his parents was a gem), then Minaho and Manabe who are gems from another planet (not Homeworld, though) that are usually fused all the time... but, still, I have to think abt a plot ahah

If you’ve got this far, well... congrats? I know this is really long oh damn-

Btw, before I go, here’s the gems’ weapons and abilities as I promised! <3

Tenma: bow and arrow, he can control the wind

Fey: he basically makes grow poisonous creepers from everywhere (kind of inspired from Lapis in the og series as she generated water and could control it), controls nature in general

Shindou: sword, his voice can reach really high pitches so if he screams he can destroy things (and, maybe, he could start shattering gems too... who knows)

Kirino: lance, has a really high speed

Kariya: basically can make strong claws grow from his hands (idk how to describe it holy fuck,,, i cant draw either, if i could i’d have showed u), his ability is telekinesis

Hikaru: well, i don’t wanna spoil his weapon as i’m gonna make another post asap... i already said what his ability was, btw. also!! i didnt mention it before, but his age is around 3000 y/o

Kyousuke: katana, he can read any person’s mind for ten minutes if he had contact with them, same goes with gems but he must touch their gem in order to read their mind (age, in human years: 17)

Minaho: guns, he can understand if someone or something interacted with someone/something else just by smelling it (sounds cringe ik,, btw his age is the same as Manabe’s, 6,700)

Manabe: since i had no more ideas, don’t blame me if this sounds Peridot-ish, but he can actually generate small but powerful robots he can control and fight with, his ability is controlling technology in general.

Another last thing... these nine characters are the same of the other au i mentioned (which is way more calm than this,,, i also have more info abt that, too), so look forward to that too <3

I’mma go now, bye!

#this turned out longer than i expected #inazuma eleven go #inazuma eleven #steven universe au #su au #steven universe!au #su!au

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hohoz · 6 years ago

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Lightning Returns : A

Hoperai game

I saw a few posts before playing the game saying that this is a Hoperai game (and how right you were) !!!

Okay, so I have an idea to write every moment that they have as soon as possible,because I'm starting to forget, so after I play I'll be posting the notes that I have here in my Iphone.

Obs: English is my third language*, please be aware of that when you see a mistake :v

By the way guys, both of them werent supposed to have feelings, a few moments in the game Light admits that she is unable to feel anything and that god probably made that to avoid any future problems/Hope is like this as well, but STILL, they demonstrate care for each other. (Later we talk about Lumina and Bhenivelze)

And another thing that gets me intrigade is how come there is not many post about LR here in the hoperai tag ? This game is amazing !! (like, it does have a few times that you get annoyed, but in general is amazing)

First moment: Okay, this is a simple one, after Lightning crash the Patron's party, she refers to Hope as "Mr Hope Estheim", hell yeah. (This is how she is goint to call him in bed) THIS HAPPENS IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN THE GAME, I do believe that this happens because she still doesn't fell really connect with him, its been sooo long since they were together in FFXIII, that she might think that Hope may not like her anymore, so she really is formal here.

Second: (Well, after I went to ark and saw a younger hope I was frustated, nevertheless, its possible to interact with Hope, he explains that he will be there to help us in this task and that he is in his younger body but doesnt know why.

Third: The loading screen saying that she sees Adult!Hope as an equal (Hell yeah) and I think this is quite nice, because Lightning would never engage a relationship if she doesnt see that special someone as a person beneth her, she is a woman of huge morals and we see that she belives that men have to be amazing (this is using her approval on Snow as info, where she said she would never giver her blessing if he was someone that didnt deserve)

Fourth: if you get hurt and dont use any potion Hope will say that he's worried.

Fifth: Welllll, this one I simpled loved, when we have to get fireworks for the play and Lightning is forced to say "Meow Meow Choco Chow" to Chocolina and Hope is listening and tease her.

"Something tells me you're not enjoying this as much as I am"

Sixth: ( mental note - I would pay for hear Hope complimenting her looks on that red dress - WTF WATANABE, WHY HAVENT YOU DONE THIS ???? ) but the fact that he was manipulated by Benivelzhe might have been the reason, because if he been himself (100%himself all them at that time, oh boy, he would fall from the ark -- I know that I would)

Note: Okay, so there is a cutscene where we see Hope, Snow and Noel deciding to save the world after the chaos spread, and Hope is an adult here, I wonder that happened --- Btw, I finished the game and Still dont understand clearly what happened to Hope, I know that there is a Dlc in FFXIII-2 that I havent played (it is in this DLC that adult!Hope see Lightning in Vahalla ?)

Seven(THEIR DAUGHTER): this is not a nice one, because after we see Vanille, Hope ask of her to Lightning and she tease him with something like "Someones got a crush" BUT not long after that we get a HUGE moment where Eclair is worried about the plan (where she will play a role in front of a crowd and it might fail) and Hope basically quotes her saying "Its not a question of can or cant" and then she asks if he is going to watch her back (PLEASE NOTE THAT THE GAME DOESNT SHOW HER FACE IN THIS MOMENT, I WONDER WHY ????? WE ALWAYS SEE HER FACE ON THE INTERACTIONS WHY IN THIS ONE WE CANT ??? ITS BECAUSE SHE IS WAITING FOR HIS ANWSER ??? I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT)

And guys, even tho Hope is there to assist the player to finish the game and keeps saying what we have to do (And I find this utterly annoying) they have some incredible casual talk, like, "I dont care if the whole world hates you Light, i'll be by your side"

Lumina cutscene

THAT WAS SUPER GOOD, HOLYYYYY.

Well, in one of the interactions with Lumina where she is trying to convince us that Benivelzhe is manipulating us with a Fake Serah, Lightning starts to belive her and gets really mad at her god saying that she was building a contigence plan and is willing to kill Bhenivelze, until Lumina says that Hope is a fake too...

Lightning reaction... DAMNNN

And then Lumina asks

"Would you be able to kill Hope if you need ?"

Lightning close every glimpse of feeling and answer:

"Do you think im not ?

Lumina is so clever that she reads her in a instant and starts to laugh --- BTW, Lumina is nothing but another part o a whole, she is Lightning aswell, WHY WE HAVE THIS REACTION by her part ?? (hehe)

Lumina says : "Answering a question with another question"

That was so good, after this we can interact with Hope but Light never says anything about him being a fake, but still he says that if she wants to betray god he will follow her no matter what. (Guys, do you understand that he is saying that if she want to go in a suicide fucking mission he will go with her ???? AGAIN)

And then, the last day finally arrives, we are going to Luxerion but before we leave the ark Hope says:

"It really feels like the end now. Soon it will be over now"

Lightning then anwser

"Its been dying for 500 years"

His tone of voice slightly change

"I wasnt talking about the world..."

"Then what?"

He accept that is not the time.

"Nevermind. Time is short. Every minute counts, lets no waste any"

BTW IN THE SAME ARK MOMENT, if you ask about Serah being stuck in the chaos (considering that all souls go to chaos after dying) Hope promises that if he dies, he would find a way to save Serah's soul...

(YOU HAVE TO LOVE A LOT A WOMAN, IF YOURE WILLING TO SAVE HER SISTER'S WHILE BEING DEAD - RIP HOPE)

FangxVanille moment in the cathedral (I know that this is my Hoperai post, but that was lit )

Hope (God Mode) I kind knew that he was going to be used by Bhenivelze as a vessel because I saw a few spoilers, but there is one thing that I dont understand --- WHY THE FUCK NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING WHEN THEY SEE HOPE ?? THEY WERE FRIENDS FOR FUCKING SAKE--- Even when is just Fang in the wildlands, Hope and her NEVER interact, she doesnt it even bother to ask " who are talking to Lightning in the phone?"

And finally the ending, Lightning defeat the evil god of light, and is willing to be the new Etro taking care of the darkness flow, but there is something here, a moment where she sees fake Serah and Lumina, and we discover that God never took her feelings, that was always her, she had shut down her feelings a long time ago to become stronger

Note: In the middle of the game we see that she is willing to die, and if you see the loading screens you see the same info.

And she fuse with Lumina, and after all the things she heard from fake Serah she is scared... Her feelings that she always repressed was back to her and she felt alone, darkness consuming her and there is tears, so many tears until...

"Hope : I can hear you Light "

FINALLY, FINALLY, the one who saves everyone was saved, he sacrificed his chance to be born in the new world with his parent, to save the woman that he lovessssss

I dont know what to say, this is just a bunch of notes of me bamblimg some things, but im so glad that she was saved, that she didnt feel scared, that he came back for her.

There is that quote from FFXIII where Vanille talk about Eclair.

"When the fear sank in, it tore us apart. Lightning was hurting but none of us could see it"

This is different now, he can see it, he knows that she was scared, that she deservs to be saved and loved, that she needs someone to watch her back !!!!

Hoperai is kind of Canon and I loved thst ending, most amazing CGI ever.

Side quests: I know that with the timer this game gets a little trick with the side quest, but there is some random moments here.

But these called my attention

Olga, the singer

I've encountered a quest about a woman looking for her lover, and we learn that she is a singer but cant sing without the lyrics of the man she loves , after we find him we complete the quest, there will be a song (requested by Lumina) and I saw Hoperai all over it, okay, Light says "Serah loved this song" but the lyrics were all about Hope and Light.

Btw, I can totally see mama Farron singing this to their daughters, and Lumina kind is Lightning, so she knows that this is her favorite song aswell.

The one that we have to find the special flower for the chocoboo

Ha, who would say that we would be hearing that Lightning sucks at cooking ? Well, she admits that the only thing she knows how to cook is Beheamoth steak in a campfire

And we get to hear she trying to talk to her chocoboo saying "Kweh Kweh" such lovely moment and Hope was hearing everything

Gordon Gourmet

Well, this quest has and amazing ending, like super wow, after we taste the the gourmet recipe Lightning is amazed, she says that is probably the best thing she ever ate, so, Hope got curious and they start a conversation: (my memory is not great, but it goes like this)

Hope: That food is that good ?

Lightning: Do you want me to pack some for you?(such a wonderful waifu)

Hope: No thanks, but sometime I want to taste something made by you

Lightning: Well, Im not the best chef... I never spent much time in the kitchen, but if you like, I do a Behemoth steak by the campfire that is really good.

(This is the SECOND TIME in the game that she says that she can cook Behemoth) 😂

Chocoboo clothes

After a lot of "Chow chow choco chow" we win a nice outfit from the Chocoboo girl, Hope got a little bit excited and says that she must look really good on it, they have a nice conversation after.

Adornments

Hope jokes that Light should wear a lot of endornemts, to attrack more people to save.

Here we see that Light is pretty humble when people say that she is beautiful, she doesnt see herself as the perfect looking woman that she is.

Sazhs quest / Kid who always steals shit from us

I like this moment for a reason, thoose quests make Hope and/or Light relate to their situation, I will make a super post about this later and this is pretty important.

After Sazhs quest, in Ark Hope stops Lightning and revels a little bit about his situation with his father and how he was raised, Lightning stands quiet and just listen.

After we see a kid (the little shit who steals from us) and deliver the letter from his father, Lightning says how hard was for her to lose both of her parents, Hope just listen.

Soooo, this is it, I loved the game (hope you loved too), I still feel that Watanabe was not brave enough, he could made Hope an a adult in the thirdy game and put some scenes where he save her with a KISS (FRENCH PLEASE) but he made Tracer of memories to make more clear that Hope really have feelings for her and that she is going after him in the new world.

Note : im making a super post about them and I just want to thank this amazing tag/fandom, I know that this game is old and not so many are here now, but you all left soo many good things here and im really thankful.

#hoperai #otp #hope estheim #lightning farron #final fantasy #final fantasy xiii #me #canon #ffxiii #hopurai #light #lightning #ship #fanille #dlc #game #shipper #love #moments #quotes

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iobottle · 6 years ago

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atissi

replied to your post

“it kinda makes me sad when artists giving out tutorials on character...”

oh could you talk more about this? :o

ABSOLUTELY thank u for enabling me to go off about designs i love this shit this may get a bit long so its going under a readmore (sorry if ur on mobile i hope it works)

gonna start this off with im no expert Nor have i taken any sort of official art class this is me just analyzing characters from what i found that makes them memorable to ppl (most of these examples are going to be from games sorry i got them on my mind)

ok so basically making a memorable revolves around personality and appearance now theres different ways to go about showing these things and i think from consuming media you like will help narrow down how you wanna go about it, basically thinking about your character inside and out!

SO shapes and hyperstylization is a good way to get a fun appearance across in a cartoon esp media and is often what a lot of artists stress on an example of using shapes and a good silhouette to make a memorable character is sonic!(specifically comic sonic)

(had to google idw sonic for a non...u know image)

but not only do they use lots of triangles for this hedgehog they also made him blue! you’d be more likely to remember a blue headgehog over a realistically colored one!(also almost all of the sonic characters have a combination of fun shape + unusual color to help you remember them! the designs werent afraid to use color to make a bold statement)(he’s also segas mascot so of course they put a lot of work in his design)

now sonics appearance is not the only reason why people like him or remember him so much he’s also got personality! he’s cocky, fast, always getting into trouble, “you’re too slow!”, accompanied by shitty butt rock and a cool guy persona ie he’s got personality! and they weren’t afraid to give him some weird interests(see the butt rock) and he’s not perfect( see arrogance) if youve ever played a sonic game you have almost always remembered the crush 40 theme that went with it

all in all to go with his unusual appearance he’s got some unusual traits! it helps make him believable! admittedly he’s not the most embarrassing of the sonic crew (see knuckles or shadow) but he’s definitely rounded and not boring from an objective standpoint(you can not like sonic or his games i dont care)

(another example of something that requires good shapes is pokemon altho they arent really like very depthy since there are 600+ and some only have like a pokedex entry worth of info but still they have good and memorable designs)

NOW something that doesnt have the most “good shapes” design off the top of my head is link

now in the most recent zelda game his most memoriable physical attribute is that he’s on the androgynous side w his longer hair and smaller build but in his older designs he looked something like this

(art for a loz:link to the past)

not really that much of a striking silhouette, but what do we look at and kinda leaves an impression on us? his hair and hat! its very silly to see someone in such a big green hat with that big of bangs/mullet, the hat at least became so ridiculous of a look that in botw nintendo didnt include his hat in links main outfit bc it was too hard to make look good, its silly! thats good! its fine to have a normal human looking characters because sometimes stories are about humans, but if you want us to remember them include something that will strike us as strange for them

also probably a good thing to note is the noises link makes when he swings his sword, jumps, pushes something, ie any action they have always been something that has stuck with me

(another example similar to this is in mgs solid snake in mgs is this cool super spy but is rocking a full on mullet which is considered a joke hairstyle. this leaves an impression on us. a spy with a mullet! how ridiculous! another example is raiden who was specifically made bc a woman wrote that she didnt want to play as an “old man” so the protagonist of the super spy game is a longer haired pretty boy (with a huge ass))

now ive explained a little on a character with good shapes and personality and a character with a more “boring” shape design that makes up for it with almost quirky design choices but i feel like theres another series thats what originally got me thinking about how even a memorable silhouette doesnt need hyperstylization

ace attorney! (which is out on switch now if u havent played it i would def recommend it)

if you dont know the protagonist is the guy in the blue suit(phoenix), which well he looks like just a guy...with ridiculously spikey hair enough so that in his silhouette you can recognize him but also his posture (the pointing) makes for a sticking recognizable image bc if you’ve played the games you can practically hear objection just from looking at phoenix’s silhouette

which is another thing id like to talk about! not only are a good shape a way to have a good silhouette but posture is also important! how the character holds themselves can say alot about them just from a glance! such as meekness, arrogance, confidence, sadness, anger, happiness its a very important too especially when you arent relying on stylization

now onto the characters of ace attorney ive gone over phoenix's design a bit but theres a few others id like to look at with some Weird style choices that make us remember them(just going to glance over them since this post is so long)

now, this woman, franziska von karma, she dresses kind of strange for a prosecutor but her outfit is not too out there and her silhouette is not striking

but you see that whip? remember how i said she was a prosecutor? yeah she will strike people in court for getting off topic and will even hit phoenix when he starts breaking down her witnesses testimonies, which what literally strikes up about her

another prosecutor, godot, now his hair could provide a somewhat memorable shape but what we first notice is the strange mask on his face which is weird, but not the Same weird as franziska bringing a whip to court thus having both of these prosecutors being Weirdly memorable for different things (another note is his liking of coffee that he does not give up even in court ha ha)

now onto the other protag for the aa games

apollo! who also has weirdly spikey hair, but even if you put a silhouette of him next to phoenix you could tell there some was a difference between the two! its showing a pattern with the protags while also keeping them distinct enough to be able to tell who is who! although you cant say the pointy haired guy from ace attorney and not get just One answer unlike saying the prosecutor who has a whip but still they are distinct to people who have little experience with the series

sorry i dont have any sort of conclusion on this this was just sort of me rambling on about character design, but my main point is if you are discouraged bc all your characters dont have wildly different silhouettes thats ok! there are other ways to establish a good memorable character! dont be afraid to make them a little weird! give your character pink hair in a medieval setting, have them be ridiculously in love with tigers they have a striped shirt and pants, let them love childrens tv shows and have them never miss an episode, give them wacky hair or an extreme love of gum, show us some personality!! but dont forget about how they act and their values and dont forget that posture can go a long way for establishing a first impression

there are also many other methods to making a good character! like colors and dress!

silly is the way to go! have fun with it!!

there isnt just one way to make a good character!! theres plenty of more series that have good character design that i didnt mention pay attention to why you like the characters you like! also watch this video bc its really good

#atissi #im sorry this is so long and incoherent #im sure this is hard to parse so im realyl sorry if i end up confusing ppl

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icharchivist · 6 years ago

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perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal

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