#like the GUILT. the REGRET. the SUFFERING. etc

[goldenageofwireless]

thinking about . Soul again . i think our current interp of him is further from canon than we'd like but we love him soooo much . might just adopt him and make him an oc honestly

[baravaggio]

i'm not angry about this at all but it's so fucked up that if it weren't for me taking the initiative to call out from work and talk to the vet and the euthanasia service and get everything set up he would just be lying at home in his own piss unable to walk until it was convenient for us to do something.

[nebulaafterdark]

At The Pleasure Of The Crown (Part 2)

Summary: Aegon and his wife regularly visit the silk streets. One night they happen upon Aemond behind one of the curtains, the rest is history.

18+ ONLY MDNI Targcest, smut, infidelity, manipulation, etc.

Aegon Targaryen x Velaryon(Strong)!Reader

Aemond Targaryen x Velaryon(Strong)!Reader

Part 1

Aegon and Aemond have been at war from the time they were boys. Over what exactly, neither can say. For Aegon’s part, he’s never truly known the love of his mother, not the way Aemond did. Mayhaps that is where it started.

The tree remembers, the axe forgets.

Despite the teasing his elder brother inflicted upon him, Aemond wanted only to win his approval; and that of his father. Marrying Y/N boosted Aegon’s worth in Viserys’ eyes, while Aemond remained the boy irreparably damaged, over an insult.

The tree remembers, the axe forgets.

Then of course there is Y/N, the only daughter of Rhaenyra Targaryen; used as a means to broker peace between warring houses since she was no more than a child. Made to ease the suffering of those around her, at great personal expense.

The tree remembers, the axe forgets.

Each of them shaped by unsteady hands, hoping only for the best.

The tree remembers, the axe regrets.

Over the moon turn since Aemond hath inserted himself upon their union, not one of them has known peace. All angry or pining for another, because of a misunderstanding. Because of a book, because of a sword fight, because of a single glance.

Even seated round the council table, Aemond stares at their entwined hands. Love is a curious thing, in all its different forms. Y/N is never going to love him the way she does Aegon.

“What will my children call you?”

“Aemond, or uncle. Same as they always have.”

“What will your children call me?” The wound is still fresh, raw and aching as Aegon presses against it.

“It will be nearly impossible to tell…whether they are yours or mine, until they are grown.” Aemond admits, “I suppose they might call us both father.”

Y/N buries her head in her hands, sick with the guilt of what she’s done.

Dying in the name of love is noble sacrifice, killing one’s self to love another is a senseless endeavor.

“Sometimes these things happen.”

————————————————————————

“Are you not speaking to me?” Aemond asks, when he manages to get Y/N alone.

“What difference does it make? My words mean little to you.”

Aemond sighs, “I apologize for my lapse in judgment. I should not have said those things to Aegon.”

“Knowing what he means to me, how could you be so cruel?” The princess snaps.

Aemond purses his lips, “my brother made fun of me for the whole of my life. I saw an opportunity to return the favor. I am sorry for it.”

“Is that what this is to you?” Y/N whispers, “is that what I am to you? Revenge against your brother, at long last?”

“No,” Aemond growls, “you are…you know what you are to me.”

“Speak it.” Y/N insists, “tell me what I am to you.”

Aemond closes the space between them, taking her face between his hands. “You are my friend.”

“And that is enough for you?”

“If that is all I’m allowed.” Those who are starved will eat anything.

“Even if we were to marry, it would not be fair to you. I love Aegon, I will always love him. We grew up together, he and I. Day and night for ten years, we have been together. I enjoy your company and I should like to keep it, but I am in want of a friend. I have a husband.”

To be so tragically entangled.

“It matters not if he is studied in the histories, or if he holds interest in matters of the court. So long as I am studied, so long as I hold interest in the court. The duties are mine, the burdens are mine.”

“I only wish to help you,” Aemond breathes.

“You can’t,” Y/N shakes her head. “You cannot help me. You cannot come into my life and uproot it. I’ve children, Aemond. Aegon’s children, who need my love and affection more than anyone.

Children who grow up in the absence of love spend the rest of their lives wanting for it; no matter how much they are given. Like pouring into a bottomless cup, endless and painful because it never fills. It is cracked from the time they are small and can never be fixed. I’ve seen the difference between children born of love and those born of duty. My children will know which they are.”

“Who fills your cup once he’s drained it?”

“The gods provide.” Y/N swipes at traitorous tears, threatening to fall. “They always do.”

“Whores then,” Aemond understands. Why the pleasure house, why the wine, why the constant thirst for knowledge. “I could fuck you as well as any.”

Y/N turns away from him. “It would mean something more to you and…”

“It would not mean a thing to me.”

————————————————————————

Aemond makes his way to the silk streets, tearing back curtains, until he spots the silver sheen of his brother’s hair. Pressed back into a pillow as one of the brunettes works herself over his cock. It is not lost on him, how much the pretty little thing resembles Aegon’s wife. “I need a word with you.”

Aegon huffs a laugh, feeling the woman above him begin to pull away. “Ah, ah,” he chides, “you stay right there. Doing the gods’ work, you are.”

The woman sighs, happily, “thank you, your grace.”

He gives her hips an affection squeeze, before turning his attention back to Aemond. “What is it you need?”

“I was hoping to apologize, for the way I have conducted myself.”

“All is forgiven, brother.” Aegon waves a dismissive hand. “My wife is an endearing mystery, it is not your fault for taking interest.”

Aemond cocks his head to the side, “to what do I owe your sudden change of heart?”

“Y/N and I talked,” Aegon grins. “Whichever parts of her you are stimulating, do it well for me. Tell her I love her, while you’re at it.”

Part 3

Series Taglist : @oh-you-mean-me @callsignwidow @iliterallyhavenoideawhattosay @cluz1babe @visenyareads @kiwibaekie

[sepublic]

We give Belos way too much credit for feeling bad about his dead brother and Grimwalkers because like. He’s a racist white guy who’s murdered a culture and damaged its land across centuries but only feels guilt for his white brother and clones. He doesn’t hallucinate any witch or demon in FtF. He never got close to any of them sure, but that’s because of his racism which just further proves the point.

What this means is that for all his ‘guilt’, Belos doesn’t think his actual motives and goals as a witch hunter are wrong, just that human (adjacent) white guys shouldn’t be hurt in the process, but if they need to be they will. There’s the external setup for Belos to maybe change because of that remorse, but the internal setup that he won’t because he doesn’t even consider what the actual crux of the issue was, that being who he killed Caleb for fraternizing with, who Caleb died to protect, who has been brutalized far more than the Grimwalkers ever have been.

I’d even argue that Philip wouldn’t have minded if Caleb moved to another Puritan colony to settle with a Christian white woman; It was not so much Caleb leaving him, so much as who Caleb left him for. People like to reduce Belos to codependency with Caleb, as if his witch hunting fantasies weren’t established before Evelyn’s arrival; Philip let those inform his takeaway that he could not follow where Caleb was going, ergo Caleb betrayed him, because even Belos’ baggage with Caleb is rooted in racism. Mind you, Belos is still killing the Grimwalkers because he doesn’t really regret it, he’ll keep doing it because abusers are paradoxical like that. The ghosts just reinforce what’s wrong with him, instead of suggesting otherwise.

I think those fics and fanart of Belos being ganged up on in the afterlife by the Grimwalkers are missing the point, to Belos it would validate his racism by saying the only people whose suffering mattered, who deserve revenge, are the white guys he wasn’t explicitly targeting. I think a good take on the Belos suffering in the afterlife trope would have him be attacked by all the witches and demons and palismen he brutalized, without a single Grimwalker nor Caleb in sight.

As you can imagine, this is another reason why Eda and co. killing Belos works; Because once again he’s focused on Luz, whose framing parallels Caleb’s ghost from FtF, and talking about how only humans matter and Belos deserves to be spared for being human. Only for the witches and demons who were the actual emotional core of the issue that Caleb died for (one of whom is the descendant of the child he saved, not that Caleb factors to her motives because it’s not about Caleb) to step in and reiterate, Nah their suffering and anger is just as important.

People set up Belos’ fratricide and murdered nephews as the worst thing he’s ever done because they also think the white boys’ suffering is more important but tbh? It pales in comparison to the irreversible damage he committed to the Boiling Isles’ environment, its culture and history, its thousands of people as a whole, etc. The Titan is dead and its arm displaced because of him, so many resources and species have been depleted. To quote Castlevania and what a black revenge-seeking anti hero was told before encountering real evil in the form of a white man who enslaves en masse, “There are worse things than betrayal.”

[nias-nook]

Bill Cipher and The Unicorn in Captivity

Soooo, I haven't been looking at Bill related posts much since the book dropped as I have mixed feelings on what TBOB and the subsequent site have revealed about him, his motives, his backstory etc., but (and maybe someone beat me to this) one thing I haven't seen anyone talk about yet is this,

So maybe I'm stating the obvious here, but this is The Unicorn Rests in a Garden, also known as The Unicorn in Captivity. This piece was a part of The Unicorn Tapestries. Its origins are shrouded in mystery and super interesting but I'm not really gonna touch on that here.

Now there is something to be said about how this one piece, and the rest of the tapestries tie to Bill. I'll briefly go over what the tapestry meant when it was made then dive into what contemporary interpretations of the piece say about Bill and his fundamental inability to redeem himself.

Also just want to establish before we get into this that I am...Not a scholar when it comes to this stuff. I just happened to recognise this tapestry and its symbolism when it dropped on the website and had to put my thoughts somewhere. I might add more later if I've forgotten anything, which I probably have.

Given this was a piece made in Europe in the Middle Ages, it's perhaps unsurprising that a lot of interpretations of it are biblical, but we can (mostly) safely assume Hirsch isn't going for a Christ allegory here. Then again, maybe he's going for nothing and all of this is pointless.

What is a little interesting in the wake of TBOB is its ties to marriage.

These tapestries are heavily theorised to have been made to celebrate a wedding, and their comparisons of love and marriage to a hunt that inevitably leads to the imprisonment and taming of your lover. Of course, Bill quite literally suggests this method in the book with The Love Cage that he uses in Weirdmageddon, but there's a million 'Billford is canon' posts out there so let's table that as it's pretty self-explanatory. Bill and Ford have been hunting each other for decades and Bill imprisons him in a so-called 'Love Cage' to try and convince Ford to be his 'partner' (be it platonic or romantic). This is what a victory in a relationship is to him.

What I'd like to focus on is the modern interpretation of The Unicorn in Captivity as a self-imposed prison.

"Look at that little unicorn! The beatific smile. He's happy now. He gets to live in a beautiful garden."

"Yeah, in a cage."

"A protective barrier. No one's hunting him anymore. Nor can he hurt anyone with that horn of his."

This summary of the piece is taken from the aptly titled Unicorn in Captivity from another animated series, The Venture Bros. (which, by the way, if you're looking for another show that's a whimsical and fun riff on 80s pop culture with a big mystery element, highly recommend), but this of course isn't the first piece of media to portray it this way. the most notable being The Unicorn in Captivity poem by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

The unicorn is, on the surface, a prisoner. The Theraprism that Bill is now trapped in is a place he longs to escape, but that's the thing, isn't it?

He could escape any time he wanted to.

He could slip his head From the jewelled noose So lightly tied - If he tried, As a maid could loose The belt from her side; He could slip the bond So lightly tied - If he tried.

Bill, like the unicorn, is trapping himself more than the Theraprism is trapping him, but his situation isn't to be pitied, it's karmic justice. What's so satisfying about Bill's eventual comeuppance is that he's the one making himself suffer. The only thing Bill needs to do to escape is to admit he was wrong, to stop revelling in the suffering of others, but...Well, he chooses not to.

For all of his guilt about his parents and his so-called 'dark and troubled past', Bill has never regretted a single person he's hurt since. He didn't regret taking over the world, he regretted being caught. He didn't regret hurting Ford, he regretted losing him. Bill will probably be doomed to wallow in the Theraprism for all eternity, cursing his situation and blaming everyone else for his inevitable downfall. An overgrown child who once had too much power and lost it all throwing a tantrum for the ages.

But now he can't hurt anyone with that horn of his.

[blakeswritingimagines]

Dating Yandere Feyd Rautha Would Include

Absolutely ruthless. Feyd is the kind of yandere who would do literally anything for you. He would go to any lengths to protect you, whether it be killing, torturing, or even starting a war if necessary. Nothing would stop him from keeping you safe. He would also be hyper-possessive and jealous, going so far as to kill anyone who tried to get close to you or take you away from him. You're his and nobody else's as far as Feyd is concerned.

Feyd craves absolute devotion and possession over those he cares about. He has a deep-seated fear of rejection, leading him to become increasingly possessive and controlling in relationships. His idea of love is rooted in possessiveness, making him fiercely protective and jealous if he perceives that his love is threatened.

He will go to great lengths to keep this person close, often resorting to manipulative and coercive tactics. Despite his intensity, he also harbors complex feelings of insecurity and neediness, fueling his excessive behavior to maintain the connection he desires.

Feyd would also be extremely obsessive and possessive; constantly stalking and monitoring your every move. He would become extremely aggressive and abusive if his partner ever tried to distance themselves or end the relationship - going so far as to physically restrain you. He would also be extremely controlling and manipulative, using any means necessary to ensure that his partner stayed with him. This could include gaslighting, guilt-tripping, making threats, etc. Essentially, Feyd is the embodiment of the absolute extreme of yandere. There is no limit to what he will do.

Feyd would be incredibly obsessed with you. He would spend hours obsessing over everything about you - your quirks, your habits, even the way you move. He would want to understand you completely and would never hesitate to ask you a thousand questions.

He's a control freak, to say the least. Feyd would want to have complete control over your life. He would monitor you, track your movements, dictate your relationships, and make sure you're doing exactly what he believes is best for you. He's also a major sadist and has no issue with inflicting pain on others. If you were to try and run away, Feyd would do anything to ensure that you never leave his sight again.

Feyd would always be watching you, always making sure that he knew where you are at all times. He would become easily paranoid when it comes to you, and would always be thinking about the worst-case scenarios. He would also be extremely violent and aggressive to anyone or anything that even so much as looks at you the wrong way. If someone were to try and hurt you, Feyd would make sure they regretted it deeply and would do whatever it took to protect you from harm.

Despite his cruel nature, Feyd would want and expect absolute loyalty and devotion from your end as well. You must be completely committed to him and never waver in your fealty to House Harkennon.

He's demanding, egotistical, arrogant, and unapologetic in his approach to any situation. Feyd is used to getting what he wants, and he sees no reason as to why you'd be an exception to this rule. He's confident in his abilities to mold you into the perfect partner, and he's not afraid to use violence to ensure you stay in line.

Feyd has a very twisted view of love. He believes that pain and suffering are a normal part of a relationship and that to love someone means to go to extreme lengths for them. He would also be completely obsessed with you, to the point where he would think and dream about you constantly. You would be his everything and he'd go through anything to make you happy.

He may also have a secret room hidden away somewhere that contains your old belongings - like photos, clothes, and other personal items - which he would guard fiercely.

He's obsessed with you, to the point that he would see the whole world burn before ever letting you go. Feyd has a tendency to switch his emotions rapidly from love to sheer bloodlust. He can go from tender and affectionate to cold and cruel in a matter of seconds.

He craves your attention and validation, to the point of being desperate at times. Feyd would constantly look for ways to make you happy, even if it involved doing terrible things.

Feyd is an intensely jealous person. This includes both romantic jealousy (if he finds out you’re interested in someone else) and non-romantic jealousy (fear of you abandoning or betraying him). It wouldn’t be odd for him to snap and attack your love rival, or start a violent argument with you over it to get you to pay more attention to him.

He typically puts on an arrogant and cold presence when around others, often displaying a condescending and slightly cruel attitude. Feyd isn’t interested in small talk and pleasantries, he sees them as pointless wastes of time. Only a select few people (such as the emperor himself) are given his true respect.

Feyd is actually very good at giving reassurance, albeit with a possessive undertone. He often reassures you physically, holding you tightly as if to make sure you can't slip away from him. He likes to shower you with compliments and praise, both public (in front of others to emphasize that you're his) and private (whispering them into your ear).

Feyd is very good at rewarding you for doing as he says. He will heap praises on you and shower you with gifts for following his orders. Feyd is also an excellent provider, making sure you have anything and everything you could possibly need or want. If you follow his orders, not only will you get rewarded accordingly, but the amount of love that Feyd has for you will grow exponentially each time you prove your obedience.

Feyd can get extremely creative with punishments. He is not above using physical torture as a form of teaching. Feyd also knows how to use emotional manipulation to get what he wants, such as making you feel unworthy for disobeying him. He may also decide to cut you off from the world for a period of time, forcing you into isolation so he can be the only one to decide what you do and when you do it. Feyd is a sadist by default, so he enjoys punishing you.

Feyd is naturally a very aggressive and confrontational person, so he is used to fighting with others. He can get extremely heated during arguments, often shouting and using intimidating tactics to get his point across. When you fight with him, he will do anything to make sure that he wins. Whether it be verbally berating you or threatening your loved ones, Feyd will do whatever it takes. His love for you can easily turn into anger if he perceives you not following behind him.

Feyd will go all out with dates, trying to give the most expensive and luxurious dates as he has the means to do so. He will often book tables at the finest restaurants and then take you out on a romantic walk in a beautiful park in the quiet hours of the night. He sees this as a time for you and you alone, so Feyd will take steps to ensure every date is isolated from outside interference. He will be possessive and protective during each date, constantly monitoring you, holding your hand, or even kissing you.

Feyd is a very physically affectionate person and will take every chance he gets to touch you. He loves holding your hand and kissing you, even if others are watching. He will also be very cuddly and clingy, often hugging or holding you for no reason. He loves showing affection in public, as much as possible. He sees this as a way to lay down his claim on you and warn away others.

Feyd is a very physically affectionate person and will take every chance he gets to touch you. He loves holding your hand and kissing you, even if others are watching. He will also be very cuddly and clingy, often hugging or holding you for no reason. He loves showing affection in public, as much as possible. He sees this as a way to lay down his claim on you and warn away others.

Well, Feyd is the heir to his planet's royal family, so marriage is probably something that would be forced on him if he didn't already want it. He would definitely want a big, luxurious wedding that's the talk of the entire galaxy. There will be grand processions, lots of food, a huge feast, expensive gifts, and beautiful decorations. After the actual wedding ceremony and reception, he'll take you back to his massive palace to celebrate privately.

Feyd is all for having children, as it will allow him to further extend his bloodline. He would make a very protective and possessive father, shielding his children from everything and everyone that is deemed as a threat, and only allowing what he sees as the highest quality of food and clothing for them. Feyd would have a multitude of nurses and other servants to help look after his children, so he would make sure they were constantly under watch at all times. He will also encourage them to become as powerful as they can, making them train in combat.

Feyd is someone who gets what he wants, so he’d be extremely insistent on you having kids. If you told him you could not have children, he would likely seek a divorce and find another partner who could give him children. If you are unwilling to have children, Feyd will try his hardest to pressure you, manipulate you, or, if all else fails, force himself upon you. He may also have you sent to a hospital to do medical procedures on you, in order to make it possible to have children.

"You belong to me, and me only. Your body, your mind, your soul - everything about you is mine. You are my property. I will do anything to keep you close. If any man even so much as looks in your general direction, I will kill them. I will never let you go... You love me, yes? Then never forget who you belong to."

Ownership and Power - Feyd loves to dominate, and the feeling of being in control is something he craves. He loves the idea of having you belong to him, and being able to give and withhold affection or pleasure as he sees fit.

Sadism and Masochism - Feyd really likes to push your limits, both in terms of pain and pleasure. He enjoys the feeling of having you completely submit to him and the power that comes from being in charge.

Teasing and denial - Feyd likes to toy with your emotions, such as teasing you with the promise of potential reward, then punishing and denying you.

Restraint - Feyd enjoys using various methods to restrain you. This can be as simple as using rope or handcuffs, or more creative options like a collar and leash.

Humiliation and Degradation - Feyd also enjoys humiliating and degrading his partner as a way to assert his dominance and control. This could be anything from name-calling to public humiliation.

Feyd is a very sexually active person and loves to take the lead and be in control. He's open to experimenting with lots of different kinks, but he really enjoys things like light bondage, light humiliation, impact play, sensory play, and breath control. Additionally, Feyd also has a strong fetish for certain materials and textures, such as leather, lace, ropes, and ribbons.

[crustyfloor]

This scene of Till innocently peaceful with such a big smile feels incomplete to me after the events of round 7--But more true to his character rather than a comic with his final thoughts like Sua and Ivan had, it's cruel, brief, like a flashback, and it's bittersweet. Till is probably going to be reserved and ambiguous till the end. He wouldn't be able to bring himself to think about and reflect on his regrets and traumas; that's Till's principle; living in stubborn, childish beliefs, and in those truths, he finds escape into solace, even if it's unlike his reality, it's how he copes enough to make everything bearable for the next day to come. This image feels like a reflection, a memory of when he was happier in life. In Till's final moments, he thought about his and Mizi's childhood, the moment he fell in love with her was when she smiled at him with such radiance, the same moment, he felt like his heart was reborn; it was like he could breathe and smile solely for her. Till thinks back to these moments, these fleeting moments of peace because he can't let them go, he can't let go of the comfort of that familiarity.

--"Oh in a blink Gone. Blink and Gone, relish the present."

This image does bring me back to a lot of lyrics in Round 7. But this one in particular, a line that talks about living in the present before the moment slips between your fingers, in a blink, gone. But Till lives in the past.

Till doesn't think back to round 1 when he killed that alien guitar for Mizi, even though it was fully his decision, even though it was so gratifying seeing "Till win" and Mizi's acknowledgment, do you think he would have done that if he wasn't desperate and just doing what he felt like he had to do to survive? Because he had to stay by Mizi's side in her darkest moment like she was the one beacon of hope and happiness for him?

Till only suffers when he thinks back to round 6. When he's reminded of regret and pain. So, he represses the very memory of it to protect himself, he can't bring himself to even acknowledge it at all until he's forced to, when the aliens were intimidating him with Mizi's missing poster, he fights back out of anger. Just having that weakness, his guilt, and his grief used against him feels like a different kind of collar. Till thinks back to these warm, intangible memories of his childhood because life on stage was never something he could make his own, he didn't want to live for anything Alien Stage offered him, power, fame, etc. Despite his passion for music, Till is gentle and emotional at heart. This throne that is elevated high by bloodied corpses, a life living stagnant and trapped under the suffocating palm of an Alien, at the very top but inexplicably expendable, was never Till's vision of a life worth living. That's why he fought like hell for the life he wanted, for the life that he could've had. It really drives the point home when his final thoughts were centered around those moments when he was the happiest in his life.

It is so hard to feel the beauty, the warmth, in this image when everything around him is inauthentic, and it's off-putting because of the underlying details, especially since because of his gown, this scene might have taken place after one of those experiments or 'classes' it's a very subtle reminder of their reality. But his smile is so real in the moment without the collar, without the pain... he looks so carefree and full of life

And he scrunches his nose when he laughs *gets shot*

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Would you ever write an Edward story where he cheats on Bella post Breaking Dawn or they break up because he falls in love with another human after her? Like a few years down the line, he starts to miss Bella’s human scent, softness, etc. and then he meets another singer or someone whose mind he can’t read and becomes obsessed with them. And it’s angsty because they realize he doesn’t really like vampire Bella and what attracted him to her was her “humanness” so now that it’s gone, he loses interest.

Ichor

Pairing(s): Edward Cullen x human!witch!Reader, Edward Cullen x Bella Swan

Warnings: major regret, kinda feel bad for bella while writing this 😅, falling out of love, for the sake of this story reneesme doesn't exist, kinda creepy stalker vibe from edward?, but what else do you expect from him 😂, sorry this is short :( been suffering from major writer's block

Words: 1443

There was no warmth of life to Bella, not anymore. Edward had fought against Bella's desire to be like him, an immortal. With her warmth went that oh so sweet honeysuckle scent of her singer blood. He missed nuzzling his nose in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply and listening to her blood coarse through her veins. Everything was cold and hard and unwelcoming now that she was like the rest of the Cullens.

And while he was able to physically love her without restraint now, there was a gnawing dissatisfaction that burned a hole deep inside of him.

He tried smothering it, not let it grow and feed off his lingering thoughts. Just a harmless, passing thought. They'd taken vows, to love one another for the rest of their immortal lives in front of all their friends and family. Edward thought he got his happily ever after with Bella, his singer.

Never did he imagine that he would miss her mortality so much and so greatly. Profound was his distress over this realization as he experienced grief for Bella's human life once more. This time it lingered. Resting on the precipice of his consciousness.

Try as he may, it creeps into his mind whenever he holds onto her golden gaze. Grateful that Bella's special ability wasn't telepathy like him. It would break her heart if she heard the doubting thoughts that grew louder each passing day.

Edward didn't know the exact start date of this swift change in his mentality toward someone he'd loved and cherished so much that he was willing to face both the wolves and the Volturi in order to protect her.

Immense shame rendered him speechless, unable to seek help or advice from his brothers. He'd never kept such a large secret before from them. They'd always held a sympathetic ear for Edward but. . . if he told them about this, Emmett and Jasper might add onto his guilt. Bella was their sister-in-law. His brothers have proven that they genuinely care for her and accept her as part of the Cullen clan.

The world around him was crumbling. Nothing for him to stabilize himself.

Errands that took him away from town were like a breath of fresh air to his undernourished lungs- well, metaphorically.

His outings lasted longer and longer each time. The distance he put between himself and Bella growing larger.

Until something odder happened to him.

He smelled the blood of a singer once more. Each inhalation a spasming jolt shot through him. A burst of honeyed, reduced him to damn near salivating. Edward had almost forgotten the scent. Almost mistook it for something else.

Akin to an apex predator, he's easily guided to the source of such an alluring aroma that has him blind-sided. He doesn't care in that moment who lay at the end of the trail or of the consequences that may befall him from this encounter.

If it hadn't been for your singer blood, you would have blended in with the rest of the crowd in Port Angeles. A typical human female hanging out with her friends; just like many others that night. Unaware of the glowing eyes of the animal stalking her.

But you weren't like your other friends. With his vampire eyes, he saw the glow of your skin; your aura was blinding. Even Bella's presence wasn't as bright as when he laid eyes on you. His honeypot.

He frantically rifles through the crowd's thoughts, tossing them away when they didn't belong to you.

In pursuing you, Edward was essentially damning himself. Each step he took closer to you was like walking into danger itself. A moth to a flame. For the first time in a long time, Edward felt utterly helpless. Weak even.

Then he heard the ring of your thoughts.

And he smiles to himself, listening in as you contemplate leaving early to go home and finish the book you'd started the other day. How it was getting to the good part. Torn that you were also having fun with your friends though.

Subtly watching you from a hiding spot, Edward simply closes his eyes and focuses on the flow of your thoughts in an attempt to get to know you better. Another human girl with the delicious blood of a god.

Bella checks the time on her phone again.

2 am

Edward had left eight hours ago, not bothering to tell anyone where he was going or taking his phone with him. His behavior was growing more concerning. She'd asked Jasper and Emmett if they had noticed this odd turn in Edward and they too agree that something was up with him. Alice did her best to offer a positive take on the issue. Not even Carlisle or Esme had an answer.

Not too long ago Edward had been so attentive to her, relishing in sharing immortality with her.

Deciding to wait in their shared little cottage home, Bella leaves the main Cullen estate and takes to the small pebbled path that led to her home. She remembers how happy they were when Carlisle gifted the cottage to them when they came back from their honeymoon.

Her fingers lazily trail along the rugged bark of trees. Nails lightly dragging across it.

Their life was perfect now. She fit into his world. So. . . why the sudden distance? This was going on to four months now and the decline was becoming more evident.

Her other hand is anxiously drawn to her chest in an effort to comfort her. Bella could hear the cracks in their marriage and overall relationship.

Edward growls in irritation with himself. What an idiot he was following you home. Stupid that he put everything on the line just to be around you a little bit longer.

He kept bargaining with himself that he was only going to stay for an hour. An hour turned into two, then three. . . Until he was perched atop of a tree across the street from your house.

Exasperated he runs a hand across his face, making his way up the brick steps of the cottage.

He shouldn't have followed you back to your home. Now he had that knowledge of your address.

That meant. . .

So consumed in his inner turmoil, Edward was caught off guard by Bella's voice "Where have you been?"

His eyes round in alarm, the only tipoff to his surprise. "Hunting." Well. . . kind of true.

That was not the answer she wanted. Bella's brows furrow with her disdain. "Edward, what's going on? And don't say that nothing is going on because even the rest of the family has seen the change in you."

Hell, why was he thinking about your fragrance? Likening it to standing at the threshold of the divine and savoring the ambrosial nectar that flowed through the veins of gods.

Had Bella's smelled like that? He couldn't recall.

He forcefully pulls himself back to address Bella. He couldn't keep lying to her. Bella deserved the truth. But it would hurt her once the words left his mouth. It would make everything more real to verbally acknowledge it.

"Bella. . ." Edward must have looked scared and pathetic in that moment. He could see his reflection in her golden eyes. Eyes he'd groan to begrudge. "I really don't know what's going on myself. . . but. . ." Sighing, he ignores the consequences that would follow. "I miss your humanness, Bella. Your softness. The warmth of your embraces. Your scent. . . It's-you're just- just not the same. And those were the parts that I fell in love with. Your humanity was what defined you. That delicate balance of strength and vulnerability that all comes with being mortal."

While he'd kept his tone as gentle as possible, that did little to stop the breaking of Bella's face as her lips curl and tremble. The delicate arch of her brows twitch in an attempt for restraint for despite all the emotions she was feeling, Bella's tear ducts no longer produced tears. As with all vampires.

A tremor passes through Bella. The essence of heartbreak etched itself on her face. "D-Do you still love me?"

In a moment of cowardice, Edward averts his gaze from her making the sorrow she felt boil into fury.

"Answer me, Edward. Do you still love me?" Her hands ball up into fists at her sides.

He struggles to find the words to encapsulate the complexities of his emotions.

The quietude of the cottage seemed to amplify the tension that hung between them.

Bella grits down on the back of her teeth, a burning force behind her eyes that made her desperate to cry. "After everything Edward. . ."

"I'm sorry Bella. . ."

[riptidesblog]

Wish we got a Wu season or smth exploring his powers and character.Anyway,here's how I think it'd go:

Wu,using his powers,creates a world.A false one that is based on his regrets,mistakes and etc. He's stuck in a fantasy of his own making and doesn't want to leave.It's a world in his image. There's two ways I could see the team in this world:

•They're there too and at first,they're confused. Then they start to realize,slowly,but this world void of pain and suffering seems so...perfect. They hesitate on going back.The episodes explore each character.Eventually they do realize that they need to stop this.They try to convince Wu as he is the only one capable of pulling them out of this fake world(maybe it's in their dreams and they can't wake up).Wu doesn't want to.He doesn't understand why his (kids) students want to leave(He made this world for them,for his family.He made a world where they can be happy,why can't they let him FIX his mistakes?!).Ninja realize their (dad)teacher's guilt and trauma and eventually they get out of the fake world with all of them starting their way to healing.

•Ninja aren't pulled into the perfect world at first.They go there to save Wu(kinda like Zane-Ice Emperor-Never Realm situation).This world has versions of themselves too.Versions based on Wu's perception of them,but minus the trauma.At first it seems these are the versions of them if their lives were perfect...but they start to notice some things.This world is based on Wu and it...doesn't always make sense. For example:if they were to ask fake Nya,she'd say she is happy as the water ninja(because to Wu's knowledge she is!) but she'd also say she is happy she stayed Samurai X(because Wu feels like he forced her out of a role she wanted).Fake Pixal would also say she's happy as Sam X bc again,to Wu's knowledge it's true and so,that detail doesn't need changing.Not only do these statements contradict each-other,but the perfect world is one without enemies.One without the need for ninja or samurai or any other kind of protectors.The ninja dislike the situation,but also there are some appealing things in this perfect world.For example:the elemental alliance.They're all there(the twins never betrayed the rest and everyone is present) and Jay wants to learn more about his bio mom. Also,there's a fake Morro there too and he's the ninjas kind of guide(they're pretending to be travelers or smth to learn more).Ninja aren't sure if this really how Morro was bc the kid in front of them is unbothered,free and not a vengeful ghost.At some point they ask him about the prophecy..."What prophecy?"

In both scenarios Wu's trauma and character is explored through his actions and the world he created.He feels guilty about the bite?Well Garm never was bitten in this fake world.Wu views himself as someone constantly making mistakes?In this world he is the one bearing the weight of everything just so everyone else can be happy.Also,the power of creation is expanded on:it's limits(or their lack of),how it works and etc.Also,there could be some other side to the perfect world:a dark side full of Wu's nightmares,fears he made himself.This is where he keeps all of the less than pleasant things so his world remains perfect.This is also where he 'punishes' himself(the team is horrified,they need to get this man therapy asap).

[sh1-n0bu]

HELLO HELLOOO I was just wondering if I could ask if you could do a

Kaeya or Thoma ORR Diluc x Self destructive reader? Maybe any genshin character but whenever my mind goes to angst my mind automatically goes to Kaeya and Diluc LMAO

And basically Reader has a hard time expressing feelings and finds comfort in their lowest so they are seen as reserved

And Kaeya or (Character) tries their very best to help them despite reader rejecting their affections and worries But Kaeya or (Character) loves them too much to let go so they just stay by Reader's side

You can add more or plan the rest of the story but right now that's all I could explain

One last if I could ask I'd like to be Banananon/ 🍌 Anon

Besides that have a great time! Your works are amazing 🫶

✿ 𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 ✿

characters: kaeya, diluc and thoma x nb!reader

warnings: angst, comfort, reader daydreams a lot, mentions of self harm and healed scars

notes: what the reader is going through and their description of self destructive thoughts, actions and behaviors are all greatly influenced by my own not so great moments. if such topics are triggering to you then please scroll past or continue with caution. i hope you’re all doing well in this dark times. i love you and thank you for being here

as the sole survivor of his family and the one given the task to be his destroyed home nation’s one and only hope, the cavalry captain has his own dark moments

definitely did used to self harm as well. it only worsened after his fight with diluc and crepus’ death

and seeing you, his closest companion, lover, his light and life, his dark days and pillar suffer through the same things makes him want to curl up on the floor and wail until there’s nothing left in him

will sit you down and have a nice long talk with you. it can range from your self destructive habits, self harm scars, bad coping mechanisms to even the gossips the cavalry captain had heard or shared with lisa, how diluc’s hair seemed a bit more trimmed today at angel’s share, how the cats at cat’s tail was seemingly more affectionate etc etc

anything you want to talk about, kaeya’s here

scars, relapses or even a new stimming you’ve got, he notices the second he sees it. he may have one eye but he’s keen on noticing the smallest, minute detail that is changed

but if you don’t wish to talk about it or don’t hint anything to him then it’s okay. kaeya can wait but please don’t take too long until you have completely destroyed your own self beyond recognition. he can’t carry the guilt and regret

if you have been relapsing too much then kaeya will have no other choice but to sit you down and talk about it

he will even come to a compromise to quit his alcohol addiction and learn to live again with you, together

if he comes back from his work to see you feeling down in the dumps, prepare yourself to be wrapped up in the biggest fluffy blanket like a burrito and given cuddles and smooches mwah mwah mwah mwah (¯ ³¯)♡

“there there, darling. we’ll go through this together”

another person who has self harmed in the past

personally speaking, i think he used to self harm in a deprivation type of way especially during his time when hunting the fatui harbingers in the merciless eternal winter clad nation of shneznaya

depriving himself of food, water, hygiene, sleep, the basic human necessities to survive

so after the whole hunting harbingers thing is over and the wine tycoon comes back to mondstadt, diluc’s trying his best and starts to let go of his self harming habits, actions etc

in the present time when he sees you, his lover, the dawn to his dark side, the apple of his eye and his most cherished person doing the same things he used to do - it pains him immeasurably

diluc is a straightforward person. if there’s something he doesn’t like he says it, shows it without wasting a single second

but this. this was an incredibly sensitive and a hard topic for anyone to talk about or mention

so he decides to wait for you to say something or even give him the smallest of hints first. however don’t take too long because if diluc sees you continuing to be self destructive then he’s taking things into his own hands

will bring up about the topic on a warm night, when the two of you are cuddling close to each other under the blankets as the fire in the fireplace crackles softly

the atmosphere is soft, silent and comfortable with the smell of your cups filled with hot cocoa wafts through the air. this is when diluc gently brings up the topic

will patiently wait until you wrap your mind around things and answer him. even then the uncrowned king will stay quiet, taking in every words, every names, every breath and sighs you produce with a gentle squeeze to your intertwined hands

when you’re finished opening up to him, diluc will place down both of your cups on the nightstand of the bed and pull you in for a cuddle. you can cry if you want to, he will soothingly rub shapes and sizes into your shoulder with a low hum to soothe you

“it’s alright, my love. you’re safe now. here, with me”

first of all

yes my skrunkly (you), you can marry the puppy vibed blonde fictional man you saw on your device screen. mama nobu approves, he looks like a green flag

anyways, with that shit out of the way

green flag. seriously. just green flag all over

thoma has personally never experienced or committed any self deprecating, harming or destroying actions, thoughts or whatsoever

he does have bad days but that’s it. bad days. he likes to stay enthusiastic about life and living in general so he simply sits down, takes a breather, maybe pay a visit to the stray cats and dogs he looks after in inazuma city before continuing

when thoma first notices your scars whether they’re healed or not, or even sees your self destructive habits such as not eating when your stomach is grumbling, tugging on your hair harshly, peeling the skin around your nails - thoma instantly reaches his hands out and envelopes yours in his own

with a soft voice, the housekeeper would envelop both of your hands in his before looking into your eyes with the most saddest kicked puppy look

will ask you if you’re okay first and foremost before holding your hand and walking back home together. on the way he will buy you some of your favorite treats, drinks, point out a newly opened shop, a new vendor etc etc

when home, thoma would make a nice chamomile tea before sitting down with you on the chabudai. first will start with the small little talks about what happened during his time at the kamisato’s, a cute cat he saw and will eventually slowly drift into your habits

he will be here with you through thick and thin. you’re his pudding after all but before that you are your own person and you deserve to live

“sweettums… i will always be here with you through anything and everything okay?”

[raleighrador]

Most fics I have read - even/especially the very good ones - that include Anakin having a relationship with Obi-Wan after Mustafar (or AUs where something similar to Mustafar occurred) are almost always frustrating to me. At least unsatisfying.

Anakin having any kind of positive relationship with Obi-Wan post Mustafar always seems to rely on a level of introspection and self awareness that frankly my head canon of Anakin is totally incapable of.

Anakin is not a forgiving person, even at his best. He is kind and generous but not forgiving. He remembers every slight (real or imagined). He holds onto those memories and lets them fester.

He also remembers all the good. He never forgets them. He cherishes them and polishes them and places them on a pedestal.

It's why (and a symptom of) he's so fucked in the head when it comes to his most important relationships.

He has no synthesised view of Obi-Wan or Padme or Palpatine or Luke. They are all of the things they have ever done to or been to Anakin.

What changes is the weighting Anakin gives to each of these things, with a massive recency bias.

I don't see how Anakin, in the full knowledge that Obi-Wan is the man who cut off his limbs, set him on fire, left him to burn, left him for Sidious to find, and then stole and separated his children before Padme's body was cold...

Could ever forgive him.

The why's and the intentions and who deserved what just wouldn't matter to (my head canon) of Anakin.

In lieu of self-awareness many fics give Anakin basically limitless self loathing. So instead of dealing with Obi-Wan or Padme or whatever he just hates himself so much that he doesn't have time to hate Obi-Wan anymore.

There is a lot I like about this (narratively/as entertainment) but I think the thing it misses is that is how Anakin worked prior to Mustafar anyway. He already hated himself almost limitlessly and he still found the time and energy to hate Obi-Wan.

After Mustafar he would have so much more justification for that hatred and resentment. So why would his self loathing get in the way?

The longer the timeline of these stories aligns to canon the more true this becomes.

I think by the time you get to Ghost Anakin at the end of ROTJ the things he would regret most are (in no particular order): choking Padme, handing Luke to the Emperor, torturing Leia, chopping off Luke's hand. MAYBE he regrets Alderaan but only in as much as it made Leia sad and means she hates him.

And he would likely blame everyone and anyone but especially Obi-Wan for this.

If Leia's surname was Skywalker, if they weren't separated, if Luke wasn't lied to about who Vader/Anakin was, if the Jedi hadn't filled Luke's head with lies and trained him as a weapon etc.

The rest of it? I just don't know that Anakin would really regret that much of it. I don't think he would see much difference - even with hindsight - between what he did as Vader in service of the Empire and what he did as Anakin in service of the Republic.

Killing the Jedi younglings probably sits in its own category. However, I maintain that Anakin would believe this was an acceptable price to save Padem IF it worked.

That might be his biggest regret - that none of it worked, that he lost Padme and his children anyway.

But any time travel force shenanigans where Vader uses the dark side to yeet himself into the past such that he can save Padme etc.

He would think that was a good deal.

There is the final (meta) element to all of this which is that Anakin's eventual forgiveness of Obi-Wan seems to generally function more as a narrative tool to assuage Obi-Wan's guilt, rather than some kind of real character development for Anakin.

And TBH I just want Obi-Wan to suffer/don't cate about him but that is another post.

I do however have sympathy for this - because I think Anakin is really, really hard to write.

A "redeemed" Anakin in my mind isn't one who suddenly becomes some kind of virtuous rules based utilitarian like the Jedi aspire to be, like Obi-Wan is.

A redeemed Anakin is one who chose his son, chose his family. A redeemed Anakin is one who was finally put in a position where choosing his family WAS the greater good. Anakin chose to save Luke - and kill Sidious - for the exact same reason and applying the exact same logic he applied to every other major choice he ever made.

And I don't see that Anakin as ever getting over what Obi-Wan did to him and his family. At best I see him not killing Obi-Wan because it would make Luke sad.

[sophiethewitch1]

1K CELEBRATION EVENT OPEN! CLOSED!

Hello, welcome! This event is going to celebrate my first thousand followers :D!! It's as the header says, a yandere alphabet, but with my special brand of soft yandere. Please feel free to send in letters for whoever you'd like, there's no limit, I might just pick and choose if you request a lot of letters. Thank you so much for following, I'm so happy you're here! Let's keep having lots of fun together <3 <3

ACCEPTING A-Z REQUESTS FOR:

The batboys (Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, Duke) The batgirls (Barbara, Steph, Cass) My OCs (Silvan, Daire, etc.) MAYBE for most DC characters, blue lock characters, bnha characters

Alphabet made by @/jaydenchip404 tysm for making this!

List below the cut!

A = Affection (Is Their Love All-consuming, Expressed Through Possessive Gestures and Overwhelming Intensity With No Bounds?):

B = Blood (How Messy Are They Willing to Get in Pursuit of Their Darling? Would They Embrace Chaos and Revel in the Crimson Tableau Painted by Their Actions?):

C = Cruelty (Once Abducted, How is Their Treatment Marked by a Twisted Sense of Devotion? Does Mockery Become a Dark Form of Endearment?):

D = Darling (Beyond Morality, is Any Act Justified in Their Pursuit of Their Darling? Is Consent Merely an Obstacle to Be Overcome?):

E = Exposed (To What Extent Do They Bare Their Heart to Their Darling? How Vulnerable Are They When It Comes to Their Obsession?):

F = Fight (Does Resistance Only Fuel Their Passion? Do They Find Thrill in the Chase and the Challenge of Subduing Their Darling?):

G = Game (Is Every Move Meticulously Orchestrated, Turning the Pursuit Into a Twisted Game? Do They Derive Pleasure From Watching Their Darling Attempt Escape?):

H = Hell (How Carefully Crafted is Their Darling's Worst Experience, Designed to Break the Spirit While Strengthening the Bonds of Possession?):

I = Ideals (Does Their Envisioned Future Solely Revolve Around the Union With Their Darling? Is Their Love the Only Guiding Force?):

J = Jealousy (Does Jealousy Course Through Their Veins, Leading to Possessive Outbursts and a Relentless Need to Eliminate Perceived Threats?):

K = Kisses (Are Their Acts of Affection Both Tender and Suffocating? Do Their Kisses Blend Love and Possession, Leaving No Room for Escape?):

L = Love Letters (Is Courting an Intricate Dance Marked by Obsessive Letters and Gestures That Blur the Line Between Devotion and Insanity?):

M = Mask (How Drastic is the Difference Between Their Public Facade and True Self? Is the World Seeing a Mask, While Their Darling Witnesses Unfiltered Madness?):

N = Naughty (Is Punishment a Dark Art, a Methodical Infliction of Pain Designed to Correct Perceived Transgressions and Reinforce Control?):

O = Oppression (How Many Rights Are They Willing to Take Away From Their Darling, Molding Their World Into a Prison of Their Design?):

P = Patience (Is Their Patience a Calculated Facade, Concealing the Storm Brewing Beneath the Surface? Is It a Waiting Game for the Perfect Moment?):

Q = Quit (Is Moving on an Alien Concept for Them? Would the Death, Departure, or Escape of Their Darling Shatter Their World, Leaving Behind an Irreparable Void?):

R = Regret (Would Guilt Ever Be a Foreign Emotion, Overridden by the Conviction That Their Actions Are Justified? Is the Idea of Letting Their Darling Go Inconceivable?):

S = Stigma (Can the Roots of Their Obsession Be Traced to a Dark Past, a Blend of Childhood Trauma, Twisted Curiosity, and a Skewed Perception of Love?):

T = Tears (Does the Sight of Their Darling's Suffering Evoke a Twisted Pleasure, a Morbid Satisfaction Reinforcing Their Control?):

U = Unique (Do They Defy the Classic Yandere Archetype, Adding Layers of Complexity That Make Them Unpredictable and More Unnerving?):

V = Vice (Do Exploitable Weaknesses Exist, and is Discovering Them a Perilous Endeavor? Does Their Darling Tread on a Thin Line Between Manipulation and Survival?):

W = Wit's End (Is Hurting Their Darling a Dark Possibility, a Consequence of Their Unraveling Sanity When Faced With the Threat of Loss?):

X = Xoanon (Does Their Reverence for Their Darling Border on Worship, Reaching Extreme Lengths to Prove Their Devotion and Ensure Unwavering Loyalty?):

Y = Yearn (Is the Pining Relentless, an Insatiable Hunger That Consumes Their Every Waking Moment Until It Inevitably Snaps Into Obsession?):

Z = Zenith (Is Breaking Their Darling a Twisted Fantasy, the Ultimate Expression of Possession and the Culmination of Their Demented Love?):

[singingcicadas]

The main thing I have against Spotlight: Hot Rod is that it portrays him as being constantly weighed down by past losses and guilt, to the extent that he even limits himself for fear of facing the potential negative consequences that his misjudgement might inflict onto others - the "prefer to go solo" line - when it contradicts the very essence of his character as established in MTMTE and the main comics (even Autocracy), which specifically presents him as the type of person who is unburdened by the past and for the most part consciously remains unaffected by the consequences of his actions. It's why he has a perpetual Peter Pan thing going on, because he moves on from one day to the next, one crisis to the next, for four million years without letting the experiences change him - which includes the experiences of deaths and sufferings of both himself and others - and maturity and growth cannot be achieved without change.

His impulsiveness and headstrong obstinacy is in part a compensation mechanism for insecurity and subconscious self-doubt but is also an intrinstic aspect of who he is, someone who plows onward while refusing to look back. He can feel sorry but he does not do regret, much less mire himself in it like his spotlight appears to suggest. As a matter of fact he doesn't mire himself in anything at all - be it politics, responsibility, or guilt. He doesn't regret Nyon, nor Ironhide, nor Optimus' resignation, nor leaving Cybertron, nor trusting Megatron. Not even the Overlord incident, since although he does feel bad for his poor decision getting a bunch of people killed, in the end the biggest issue that he has with it is the 89/101 voting result (which isn't even solely about Overlord).

It's obvious that he wants - expects - to stay as captain in spite of everything and having the vote cut so close got him hard because it's a blow to his ego. He practically admits to this when Optimus calles him out, which again is in direct contradiction to his spotlight monologue.

If he's willing to apply this kind of introspection for a failed mission that can’t even be attributed to his fault, then a lot of his later screwups would never have happened.

Choosing to return the Matrix to Optimus is supposed to be a landmark incident of Rodimus' character growth, yet he regresses right back in MTMTE, in which he develops a recursive pattern of messing up, trying to do better by making amends, then returning to his old ways because he can't fully commit. There's no fundamental change going on. I would argue that the true pivotal moment of change to his character took place during his talk with the guiding hand in Mederi, when he first learns to look past himself to accept what's best for other people, how his decisions might affect them etc. - even if it clashes with his own desires.

And then he chooses to save Getaway, and the speech that gave everyone the confidence to open their matrices. There's change and growth and maturity, he learns to fully empathize and appreciate the people around him. But with this growth comes a double-edged sword: by opening himself to connect with other people he leaves himself open to be affected as well - he is irrevocably changed by his experiences aboard the Lost Light, by the people around him he's grown to care about, so that when the Lost Light lands for its inevitable end and everyone departs to pursue their own lives, he alone remains mired in place, with nothing but the past to cling to. After a lifetime of moving on and brushing horrors off without lasting issue he's suddenly unable to move on. The remainder of his life becomes defined by the weight of memories and loss (and the empty comfort of a parallel universe of which its existence he'll never know).

[drdemonprince]

I recently finished reading your book Unlearning Shame, and I absolutely loved it. I found the conceptual framework of Internalized Shame and your techniques for it so very helpful, especially when most ideas of mental health (anxiety and depression, trauma, etc.) have seemed insufficient and useless to me.

However, there was one thing that kind of bugged me the whole way through reading it. Your primary focus was the shame people face as part of marginalization, but often, this too felt insufficient for me. Like, I do face a lot of this flavor of shame: I'm an autistic trans woman, feeling like I'm cringey or childish or creepy or obscene or whatever are things that bug me daily, and restrict a lot of my freedom.

However, a lot of the shame I deal with stems from some kind of awful things I've done in the past, and this is perhaps the loneliest and most difficult kind of shame I deal with. To be fair, I think a lot of this has been very closely linked to my marginalization: people would interpret genuine mistakes of mine as signs I was some awful, manipulative predator, and quickly oust me from their friend groups as a result. If I had been an allistic cis man I would have faced far gentler behavior, or at least far more people would have justified the shit I did.

Regardless, very little in the book dealt with shame tied to guilt and wrongdoing. I remember there was mostly just this one tantalizing line about how even previous members of neonazi groups can benefit from speaking shame, but other than that, I didn't see much.

So my question here is, do you know how to deal with the shame of doing something really bad, and facing the consequences?

Thank you for asking, I'm glad you liked the book!

There are answers for you throughout the book, I think. Arguably, many of the examples of shame I outline involve feeling regret or shame over one's actions. People who do not recycle "enough" and feel profound shame and anxiety about it are people who have done something "wrong," in their minds. So are people who have repeated internalized transphobic/racist/fatphobic/etc messages to other people who share the same identities as them. These people's actions are systemically caused, and they are suffering from those same systemic forces that provoked them to take actions they feel bad about.

You aren't any more morally culpable than any of them, and you aren't qualitatively different from them -- even if you are likely telling yourself that what you did is so much "worse" and so much less justified.

You can find much of the advice that I apply to people who feel ashamed about an experience (a rape survivor, say), apply equally to you as someone who might have done something you view as "wrong." You can also look to the material in chapters 7 and 8 about finding grace and perspective for others who have done wrong to us, and apply much of that yourself. A person must be held in community before they can be held accountable, for example. Understanding the circumstances that contributed to your behavior is important, which it sounds like you've already done some work on, as is contemplating the needs you were attempting to meet with your actions, and the social supports you currently still need in order to move forward.

If someone has taken actions that go against even their own morals and they feel profoundly ashamed about it, I'd say they are generally still in a state of far-reaching systemic shame that goes far deeper and requires far more healing and support than just addressing the morality of their own actions. There's usually a lot of shame about one's identities, deprivation one is facing, fears of abandonment and attachment insecurities, and other major issues going on. Because a person wouldn't just violate their own moral precepts for no good reason.

No one wants to feel that they are a horrible person according to their own personal standards of goodness. A person's actions always make sense within their own context, and so when someone does something "wrong," either they have done something that they do not actually believe to be wrong, but fear societal judgement for, or they have been pushed to the brink by extreme distress, deprivation, abuse, indoctrination, political repression, exclusion, or likely a combination of those things.

I hope this is making sense. If you feel ashamed of something you have done, you need the exact same healing, safe vulnerability, social support, and trust as someone who is ashamed about something over which they have no control. There is no difference, you are no more deserving of that shame, and shame still will not prevent you from changing your behavior for the better. You can believe wholly that your actions in the past were wrong, and uphold your current values in the present, without deserving to feel any more shame about it.

[lucaaazd]

My Roman Empire is the fact that people often subconsciously judge a woman by her worst moment and a man by his best. And when you point that out to people they go, “you just making excuses cuz she’s a woman.” Like no … you’re the one saying omg he’s such a good man bc he showed ✨ tremendous guilt ✨ for all the fucked up manipulative shit he’s done but the woman is a heartless psycho even though she’d actively saved people, spared people’s lives, resisted when she was asked to put people in harms’ way, was forced to do all the dirty work for her male comrade who was busy having fun with his victims and pretending to be their friends. She was the one who called Reiner out after he said he wouldn’t blink an eye to kill everyone in 104th cadet bc they’re all devils anyways… she was like “I thought they were ur friends? sorry but you’re disgusting”. And yet SHE’s the psycho?

“BUT - but she said she’s do it all over again”wayyy to take a line out of context lmao it’s almost like she also admitted she has committed irredeemable crimes all to see her dad again. Remorse and regret are two very different things … just bc someone hasn’t tried to unal1ve themselves doesn’t mean they feel no remorse. Annie was crying every time after she had to hurt the people she’d grown to care abt, like w Marco, after her two failed missions, etc. Also not to mention the recurring Marco nightmares. If she was a man y’all would eat this shi up. “Poor Anthony … he just wanted to see his dad. He deserved so much better :(( “

Annie’s numerous acts of kindness and compassion towards others, which can be found throughout the whole show and the OVA’s, are conveniently ignored by those who find it easier to dehumanize her and undermine the complexity of her character. Reiner too is a victim of his circumstances and did redeem himself in my opinion, but it’s the double standards that always get me. The point of the story is that EVERYONE suffers as a result of the cycle of violence. It’s not “this character did no wrong, that character’s the worst”, it’s “most of us end up becoming perpetuators AND victims because of the system”.

Ok end of essay

[jahayla-parker]

Risk : Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 1.7k wc. Reader is in a no-longer-secret relationship with Kaz, making her a risk to him. Will he accept such a risk?

Warnings: mentions of injuries, infections, near death, capture/kidnapping, and similar SoC topics, Kaz threatening others, protective!Kaz, themes of violence, mentions of war , confessions, mentions of romantic feelings such as love, etc.

Kaz groaned, rubbing his face with his gloved hands. He and y/n had been debating over how to handle this aspect of their relationship. Kaz had tried to keep it a secret to keep y/n safe, but it hadn’t lasted. Which was why he was now stressing out about their next steps.

A few weeks ago, a rival gang member caught wind of Dirtyhands’ relationship with y/n. And as such, decided to take advantage of the one risk Kaz allowed himself to have. They’d tried to use y/n as leverage to blackmail Brekker into giving over a decent amount of Kruge.

While Kaz was surprisingly (even to himself) willing to do so, he knew he could handle it though a different manner. Dirtyhands found the compound where y/n was at and it only took him a matter of a few minutes to get her out of there. Kaz (with the help of his other Crows) was aided in his rescue mission by y/n herself. She’d been able to free herself and find a hiding place inside the rival compound. Due to the injuries she’d suffered when fighting the capture in the first place, y/n couldn’t fully escape on her own. But, she’d done more than enough to help Kaz and the others break in and get her out with ease.

Nevertheless, the incident and subsequent nearly-fatal infection y/n had to fight off, had Kaz stirring restlessly since then. As such, he was proposing telling the Barrel of their relationship and making it clear what would happen if anyone tried to harm y/n or otherwise use her against him. Kaz went so far as to propose they go to war with the Kikkers, the gang responsible for her attack.

Kaz had already obviously handled the men directly responsible for y/n’s capture and injuries. But, he wasn’t satisfied. He’d nearly lost the one thing truly important to him. Declaring war on the Kikkers would not only be a small reparation for the offense, but would also send a sign to the rest of the Barrel to not come near y/n.

“You were so close to dying,” Kaz’s raspy voice said. “I….I was so worried,” he admitted in a hushed volume. It wasn’t easy to confess such things to anyone, but y/n wasn’t understanding why he was so adamant about this. If Kaz was being completely honest, worried was an understatement; terrified, paralyzed, guilt ridden, and enraged would’ve been more synonymous with his feelings.

“I’m sorry,” y/n frowned. “I know you regret it now…” she sighed as she stared at her lap.

Kaz took a step closer, eyes scanning y/n’s body language. “Regret what?” He asked.

“This…, us,” y/n answered. She winced as her voice cracked. Y/n braved a glances up at Kaz as she explained, “you don’t like it when anyone is or becomes a risk to you”. It was something she knew, but it hurt knowing their relationship has been outed and meant she now said risk.

"Do you think I'd drop my walls like this for just anyone?" Kaz asked, narrowing his eyes at y/n. “I admitted I was scared.. for you,” he told her, “I’ve not done that with anyone else”. Kaz shifted his jaw as he broke eye contact, the situation being too overwhelming to maintain that additional level of intimacy. “You’re… we’re… a risk I’m willing to take.”

Y/n was not able to contain her grin. She knew Kaz had just, in his own way, confessed how much he cared for her, how strong his feelings for her were. Y/n bit her bottom lip bashfully as she looked up at him, corners of her lips still curled into a smile.

“But, your safety is not,” Kaz amended. He stood next to y/n, pointing at the notes on his desk. The notes Kaz had drafted to show y/n his plans for the impending war he intended to set forth over what had been done to her.

Y/n sighed. She cautiously set her hand on Kaz’s gloved one, giving plenty of time for him to pull away before they touched. “Kaz,” y/n cooed quietly.

Kaz stared at their touching hands and shook his head. This was the closest he’d gotten. He wanted to be further, to be able to offer more to y/n. And, Kaz had set his mind to doing so as time went on. It was his not only willingness to do so, but actual desire, for said physical contract that demonstrated another example of how much y/n meant to him. “Everyone that I've loved has been taken from me,” Kaz rasped, “I can't let that happen to you”.

Y/n’s eyes widened, her lips parting slightly. “Y-You love me?”

Kaz swallowed thickly, looking away from y/n’s intoxicating eyes. “They say that when a man loves a woman, she becomes his weakness,” he answered.

“Okay…” y/n mumbled, trailing off with confusion.

Kaz took a visibly deep inhale. “I…,” he began, looking y/n again, “you’re my weakness…”. Kaz couldn’t get himself to actually say the words, it even to directly say yes to her saying the words. This was the closest way Kaz could answer the question truthfully without actually answering.

Y/n fought back a wide grin. However, she noticed Kaz’s eyes were searching her for signs if she returned the sentiment. Y/n knew he wouldn’t ever actually ask her. And, she suspected if speaking in such ambiguous language was easier for Kaz, her confessing the same way would make this less intense and overwhelming for him. “You know the other side to that ideology though, don’t you?”

Y/n noticed Kaz elected to wait silently for her to continue. She smiled warmly at him before she explained the second half of the verse. “When a woman truly loves a man, he becomes her strength. This is called the exchange of power,” she recited. When Kaz simply nodded a single time, y/n let her grin widen. “Therefore, I suppose this means there’s been a full exchange of power.”

Kaz was silent. But, the small smile on his normally stoic face said plenty. He admired y/n in silence for a moment before his smile changed into a smirk. “Does that mean you accept the terms of the plan?” Kaz dared to ask.

“That’s not where I was going with that, Kaz,” y/n pointed out.

Kaz nodded. “I know,” he said as he offered y/n another small smile to show her that he’s on same page. But then he went back to smirking. Kaz’s eyes twinkled hopefully as he repeated his question, “but, does it?”

Y/n laughed and rolled her eyes. She silently shook her head lightly. “While you might be my strength,” she began, quoting the ideology referenced earlier. “It just seems drastically violent,” y/n argued.

Kaz stared knowingly at y/n. He knew he didn’t need any words to get his response across.

“Okay, drastically violent for me,” y/n amended with a laugh. “Besides, this plan doesn’t just impact me,” she rebutted, referring to how the Dregs would be brought into a gang war that arguably was not needed.

Kaz shook his head in frustrated disbelief. He lessened the space between himself and y/n, now only a few millimeters away. “Do you think I care about anyone but you?” Kaz asked, his gloved hands tenderly cupping her face.

Y/n quietly gasped at the physical gesture and the sentiment behind Kaz’s words. She smiled appreciatively at him, their eyes steadily focusing on the others’.

Kaz continued to silently gaze into y/n’s eyes for a moment. He kept his gloved hands on her warm cheeks as long as he could. Once he felt the waters starting to rise in his chest, he slowly lowered them back to his sides. But, Kaz kept his eyes on y/n the whole time.

“This life….” Kaz mumbled to y/n as they stood beside one another behind the fragile wooden banister on the second floor. “I confess sometimes I wonder if others are actually worth fighting for,” he admitted quietly as he looked down at the patrons of the Crow Club. “Obviously it’s not my goal in life, but I honestly wonder… does anyone deserve justice?” He sighed loudly. “But then...,” Kaz shook his head before turning to face y/n. “There's this one thing that always comes to mind and suddenly I'm ready for war.”

Y/n glanced over at Kaz in curiosity. “What's that one thing, Kaz?”

Kaz was slightly reluctant to finish his thought aloud, but eventually he found the strength to do so. He gazed back out at the club below them to ease his nerves. “You,” Kaz answered, blindly grabbing y/n’s hand.

Y/n admired Kaz appreciatively. She smiled shyly and delicately squeezed his hand to thank him for his vulnerable candor.

“That’s why I need to do this,” Kaz said. He gazed over at y/n briefly before looking back out at the sea of patrons. “They all need to know that while you might seem like a risk, a way to get to me,” he said, practically growing at even the notion of such. “-even an attempt at doing so will only end in war,” Kaz promised definitively. He gave y/n a sly grin before squeezing her hand.

Kaz loudly clicked his cane against the wooden slats of the second floor as he walked towards the center of the overhang. He knew his actions would get everyone’s attention. Meaning the only thing he now had to do was use the Kikkers an example of what would happen if someone were to not heed his warning against even thinking of harming y/n. Kaz intended for it to be clear within seconds that Dirtyhands, his Crows, and his Dregs, would all reign hell on not just any idiot who dared to do so, but would also bring war to everyone and everything that idiot valued. Y/n might’ve been a risk to Kaz’s impenetrable indifference towards many actions people would try against him, but harming her was a risk Dirtyhands was going to prove to everyone wasn’t worth the guaranteed consequences that would come from doing so.

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