#like that’s twin but I hate seeing him nowadays

[jellophoid]

I’m gonna start hating astarion just for fun

[brighttears]

The Mirror

Joel Miller x f!reader, Found Family Joel x Ellie

Summary: In Jackson, Joel and Ellie have settled down, and you’ve joined their little family. You and Ellie have bonded over poking fun at him, having no idea how much you’re really hurting his already wounded self esteem. Tommy and Maria step in, and eventually, he finds the courage to speak up for himself. 

Word count: 10k

Warnings: implied age gap, angst, mentions of Sarah, very sad Joel hates himself, is made fun of for his age and briefly weight, Ellie and you are pretty mean, brief pissed off Joel, Joel cries. Happy ending!!!

A/n: hello from my official first story back, finally finishes this request i started before i dipped out for a bit. Worked very closely with them, @anotherpedrolover to get it just right :3 This is less of an x reader and more of just playing around with Joel and his relationships, which has been super fun. Hope you guys like ~8k words of our favorite poor little meow meow suffering teehee

—

It’s become a ritual for the three of you to sit in the living room many evenings, starting with you and Joel encouraging Ellie to read more, followed by a speech by her on hypocrisy and fairness, whereafter the two of you gave in just to calm her down. It’s quite nice, though, sitting around and reading silently. 

You were the one to suggest it, once you felt like you did have room to suggest things, a few months into moving in with the two, having met them nearly a year beforehand here in Jackson. Ellie met you first, then almost literally pulled him to meet you. 

Neither he or Ellie had been that social, keeping mostly to themselves, Tommy and Maria being the only exceptions. You were different, though, that’s what Ellie said, and that’s what Joel came to see, too. He’s not exactly sure what to call that thing, the thing at your core that pulled him in. But it doesn’t matter much, because now you’re here, and he’s never loved a woman as much as he loves you.

As he glances up at you, leg hanging over the side of your chair opposite him, face focused on your book, he can’t help but smile at the spark of warmth he gets at the sight. 

Naturally, Ellie has her legs stretched out over Joel’s lap, him resting his book over them as he sits on the couch. 

She didn’t start being this affectionate until a few months into Jackson. Not all that gradually either, the first few bear hugs genuinely shocking him, but he couldn’t be more pleased with the development. He’s had to get used to affection again himself, coming both from Ellie and you. Now that you live together, he finds himself entwined with you, in one way or another, every single night, and he has found himself indulging more than he has in anything in ages. Nowadays, he eats every touch up like a stray dog. Things like this, Ellie’s lazy legs over his, makes him feel like a father again. Things like twin idling hands over every part of each other you can reach makes him feel like a husband. Nights like these, all gathered in the living room, makes it feel like you’re a family. 

However, his bladder refuses to let him soak up the moment anymore, so he breaks the peaceful silence, sliding Ellie’s legs off of his lap, “Alright, kiddo, I gotta interrupt ya for a minute.” As he gets to his feet, Joel groans automatically, nearly limping on a stiff knee for a moment as he turns around the couch and towards the hallway.

Watching him walk away, Ellie pouts, before a mischievous grin spreads across her face. “Look, look, I’m Joel.” Once she sees him looking at her, she groans, dramatically loud, pushing herself out of her seat slowly, then proceeding to walk even slower, one heavy foot at a time with her back curved and an imaginary cane in her hand. “Aauuh, my back, my knees, aaaugh,” she says with a gravelly voice, face twisted down. Immediately, you’re guffawing. Joel shakes his head as he watches, then looks down to pinch the bridge of his nose with a hint of a smile on his face. Though the impression is pretty funny, he doesn’t love the fact that it’s supposed to be of him. 

“I’m 58, not 80, asswipe.”

“Come oooon,” she laughs, “that was spot on.”

“You do groan like you just got punched in the gut every time you get up.” You chuckle. 

Despite how much he loves the sight, looking at the way you and Ellie grin and laugh with each other suddenly hits a chord in Joel. You’re laughing with each other, at him. It feels like neither of you give a damn about him in this situation at all. He’s just something to make fun. And, is that really how you see him? Senile? 

Joel shakes it off, making himself chuckle, not wanting to ruin the fun, labeling himself as overly sensitive. “Can’t even take a piss in peace.” He mumbles as he turns and walks away, leaving you and Ellie in giggles behind him. 

In the bathroom, he stares at his reflection. Gray, wrinkled, dark circles under his eyes, littered in scars. He guesses it really is the best thing, for you all to be in Jackson, because he doesn't have many more years left out there on the road. He’s lucky he hasn’t gotten himself or Ellie killed, god knows there were more than a few close calls, like when she had to shoot that kid, or had to nurse him back to health when he didn’t see that last guy coming at the university and got himself impaled. He’s too old for that. He’s too old. 

You’re much younger. It confuses him often, why’d you want to be with an old man like him, but he has decided to take what he can get at this point. You haven’t left yet, so he’ll enjoy it while he can. But how many years does he have left of that, if you do stay? With you and Ellie? 

He can barely recognize himself. When did he get this old? His joints ache in changing weather. He has to put significantly more effort into getting up, and yeah, he does groan like he just got punched whenever he does. One day, if he even gets that far, he will need a cane. He won’t even be able to go on patrols. In just a few years, he’ll be useless. He won’t be able to keep anyone safe at all. Hell, he’s probably at this point now. Slow and deaf and weak. 

At least Ellie will have you. But… eventually, you’ll have to take care of him, too.

It all becomes too much. He looks down, and turns the light off. 

—

Tonight is game night at Tommy and Maria’s, the game of choice being Monopoly, both Ellie’s favorite and least favorite, depending on whether or not she wins, though you’re all pretty competitive. She’s in the lead tonight, standing over the table to aggressively shake the dice, then, when they land in her favor, pretty much ending the game, throwing her hands up in victory with a very loud succession of yes’s. Joel, who had been right on her tail, throws his hands up with a dramatic “Aaawww,” a smile under his mock disappointment. 

“Another loss for Joel,” Ellie tells him, smiling, then bows, “thanks to yours truly.”

“That was the luck of the dice, Ellie.” Joel points out, leaning back in his chair. 

“No, that was me beating your ass. You can’t keep up with me, old man.” She smiles, throwing up more air punches. Everyone’s laughing, and Joel tries his best to, but there’s that line he hates. Tommy, however, can't miss the look under his brother's half hearted chuckle. 

“Hey, Joel, help me get some wood for the fire.” Tommy cocks his head to the back door, and the two leave you, Maria, and Ellie inside to chat and put the game back away. 

They start at the woodpile, taking a few logs to the back porch, but at the door, Tommy pauses, setting his small stack down. “Hey, Joel.” Joel places his logs down, then straightens to look at him. Tommy purses his lips, pausing. “Looks like they’re gettin’ along pretty well.”

“Yeah,” Joel looks down with a light smile. “Sure are.” 

“They sure do like to take the mick out on ya.” Joel tries to hide behind a chuckle, but Tommy sees through him like a pane of glass. “Doesn’t seem like you’re havin’ as much fun with it as they are, though.”

“Ah,” Joel waves his hand dismissively, still trying to smile, “it’s all in good fun. I don’t mind.”

Tommy sighs, stepping forward to put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, making him look at him. He draws his brows together, keeping his voice quiet, “You can be honest with me, Joel. I know it’s botherin’ you.”

Joel looks down at his feet. “You’re right I mean, I don’t love their fun bein’ at my expense, but… if they’re havin’ fun and gettin’ along, who am I to stop them?”

“Nah, Joel. It shouldn't be like that. You gotta set up some boundaries or somethin’.”

Joel shakes his head. “It’s no big deal. As long as they’re happy, I don’t care.”

Tommy sighs. “Yeah, well, I care, and I know they do, too. I know it’s hurtin’ you, and I know they would stop doin’ it they knew.”

Joel raises his gaze to look at his brother with genuine eyes. “If they’re happy, I’m happy.”

Pursing his lips, Tommy shakes his head. “You don’t look very happy.”

Brushing it off, Joel chuckles, looking down at his feet again. “Well, I’ll work on that, then.”

Tommy's expression remains the same, almost pleading. Quietly, he urges, “You should tell them, Joel.”

After a moment, Joel replies quietly, “Yeah, yeah.” 

Knowing full well that he won’t, Tommy sighs. After a pause, he sighs again, then picks the logs back up and goes back into the house. 

Joel keeps his gaze on the ground, considering his brother’s words. He imagines the conversation, the hurt and disappointment on the face of two of his favorite people, the shame he’d feel, and the resulting quiet in the house. 

Tommy has talked to him about his bad habit of putting himself last, but he has yet to understand why that’s a problem, why he would deserve it being any other way. 

Though he tries to keep it out of his mind, he thinks about it every day, how he lied to Ellie after Salt Lake City. Sometimes, when he looks at her, that’s all he sees, and he sees the same thing in the mirror. He betrayed her. And he can’t find a way to tell her. So, doesn’t he owe her his own suffering? He can repent without telling her by letting her be as mean as she wants, even though he knows she doesn’t mean to be. It's better than how she would treat him if she knew what he did. 

He feels so disconnected from her already, but he can’t stand to lose her. That’s why he did what he did in the first place, both the killing and the lying. He just can’t. 

He deserves this. He’s a liar, he's weak, he's old, he’s not fun like he used to be. He can’t keep up. So, why should he say anything? What makes him deserve to stand up for himself? Why would he deserve any respect at all? 

He just can’t lose her. Or you. Even if this is how it is from now on, being made fun of, it’s better than nothing. 

Joel takes a deep breath, picks up the thick, heavy logs, and walks back through the door, wiping the sour look on his face as he enters back into the sound of banter and laughter. 

He does pretty well, his training of keeping himself hidden away with a composed mask paying off. Still, it’s on his mind. 

It’s impulsive, really, when he poses the question casually to Ellie, “You really think I can’t keep up with you? Gettin’ too old?”

“Pff,” Ellie chuckles, elbowing him. “Don’t get me wrong, you can hold your own, but look at those gray hairs. You could be my grandpa.” To Ellie, it’s funny, but Joel’s guts twist. He laughs it off. 

He slinks to your side then, sliding his arm around your waist. You offer a sweet smile and a kiss to his cheek. He leans into it, but swallows hard. 

“Hey uh,” he tries with you, “Little Ellie said she thinks I could be her grandpa. Makin’ be feel like a manther.”

“Manther?” You crinkle your brow, a hint of a laugh on your lips.

“Yeah, you know,” he cocks his head, self conscious. “Like I’m uh, too old for you.”

You chuckle, pressing another kiss to his cheeks. “I like the gray.” That’s all you say before turning back to the conversation. Though you lean into his side, it doesn’t make Joel feel any closer to you. 

He is an old man. And that’s about it. 

He doesn’t deserve either of you. He’s not enough.

He has no idea what he’s doing here. 

—

It’s a slow, quiet morning in Jackson, Joel still sleepy as he sips his coffee, sitting at the breakfast bar as you pour a cup of your own across from him in the kitchen. Despite the seeming dullness of them, mornings like these are one of Joel’s favorite things. Simply peaceful, no dreading the day, he’s allowed to be only half awake. With the love of his life to share it with, and Ellie to come join you whenever she decides to pull herself out of bed—because she’s allowed to take her time, now, too. Joel looks at you, standing with your back against the counter with a mug in your hand. There’s a light smile on your face, but you’re looking at the floor, which is curious, and then you wink, but he barely has time to register it before Ellie comes jumping up from the other side of the counter, yelling “BOO!” right in his face.

“Jesus fuck—” he yells on impulse, almost flinging coffee on himself as he lurches back in his seat, eyes wide, instantly completely awake. You and Ellie immediately erupt in laughter, Ellie leaning over the counter at him with a wide grin. “Jesus, Ellie.” He sighs deeply, closing his eyes and taking a breath as he leans back in his chair. 

“Gotta keep you on your toes, old man.” Ellie giggles while you continue in your fit of laughter. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Joel rolls his eyes, sighing again as he leans wearily over the counter, trying to catch his bearings and calm his pulse.

Still laughing, you and Ellie high five. “That was good,” you giggle at her, then look at him as he rubs his eyes, a faint smile still on his lips. It’s hard to be in a bad mood when the two of you are laughing like this. “You’re too easy, Joel.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” He chuckles lightly, “So much for a peaceful morning. Christ, one of these days you’re gonna give me a heart attack, Ellie.”

“Aw, you can handle it.” She replies, going around the bar to slap his shoulder, still grinning. “Besides, I know CPR.”

Joel looks at her, attitude in his voice when he asks, “Do you?” Because he knows full well that she does not know CPR.

“Yeah. It’s like that song, you know, the one that goes, being alive, being alive,”

“You mean stayin’ alive?”

“Yeah, whatever, that.”

“That’s a song, Ellie, not CPR. And you don’t even know the damn song.”

“Well… she knows CPR.” She points at you, “Right?”

You nod, an amused smile on your face, “Yes, I do.”

“Then you’ll be fiiiine.” Ellie slaps Joel’s shoulder again, and he gives her a look, brows raised.

“Well, I would prefer not to have to get CPR at all.”

“Well, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten used to being boo’d by me by now.”

“Boo’d?” Joel scrunches his raised brows.

“Yeah, you know, BOO.”

Joel looks at her, hiding amusement with a mask of the fuck are you talking about. Then he shakes his head, going back to his coffee. “I swear to god, you two.” He mumbles into a sip, holding in a chuckle. 

“Aw, come on, you love it.” You say with a smile. He raises his eyebrows at you, answering flatly, “Sure I do.” Which only makes you and Ellie laugh more. 

With Ellie in the kitchen, the morning is no longer quiet, now filled with banter and conversation. Joel stays mostly quiet with his coffee, observing. He really was enjoying the peacefulness, and it takes a while for his pulse to calm, but what’s important is the two of you; you’re his favorite show. He loves nothing more than to see you two happy. And you fit each other very well—you can actually keep up with her. 

You’re his favorite person, and probably Ellie’s favorite, too. The two of you are thick as thieves, and have grown to love making fun out of him. But it’s good, it’s good that you’ve bonded over it. That’s what matters. Because you two are far more important than he is. 

—

Joel is exhausted tonight, though the patrol wasn’t too much. A few Infected at the tree line, not much more, but his sleep hasn’t been the best lately. It’s starting to get chilly again, and he has been looking forward to getting home to a warm house, and to hopefully catch Ellie before she goes to bed. 

When he enters the house, he can hear familiar, faint giggling from upstairs. He smiles at it, hanging his coat on its hook by the door before starting up the steps. The quiet chatter is coming from Ellie’s room, and his smile only grows as he pushes the door open with his knuckle. 

The two of you whip your heads to him, sitting cross legged on the floor. 

“What’re you two gigglin’ about?” He asks with a smirked smile. 

“Nothing.” Is Ellie’s immediate reply, a mischievous smile plastered on her face. 

“Nothin’, huh?” Joel’s heart falls, but he keeps it to himself. “I take it I won’t get to hear about this then, huh?” He tries to keep the smile on his lips, though his chest is starting to ache. 

“Yeah, it’s just between us girls, you know.” You smile like Ellie. 

“Oh. Ok.” He clears his throat, feet shifting out of the doorway. “I guess I’ll uh, leave you two to it then.” All you do is smile at him, a dismissal of his presence, and he backs out of the doorway and leaves for his bedroom. 

As he unties his boots, Joel’s heart gets heavier and heavier. He kicks them off, changes, and slides into bed, wanting the day to be over. But his mind won’t obey, keeping him from sleep once again. 

It used to be between him and Sarah. They’d have all kinds of late night talks, granted it wasn’t a school night. He knew everything, all the teachers she liked and didn’t, every crush, why the book she was assigned for homework was stupid. And he’d talk about work, everything that was going on, the deadlines that kept getting impossibly tighter, how the apprentices were doing. 

They’d talk about where they wanted to go on vacation, what colleges Sarah was daydreaming about despite her youth, whether or they should get a dog or a cat, what it would be like if Sarah’s mom was still around. 

Everything. 

On the road, he and Ellie would talk about plenty of stuff. They got close. He remembers when they were riding to where the Fireflies were supposed to be, before he got stabbed by that bat and almost died and then Silver Lake. And then how thought everything was solved right after, and how it wasn’t, and then Salt Lake City happened. 

It’s a completely different world. From 2003, from just a couple years ago.

Now, Ellie’s here, in this big community. She’s in school. Living in a house. About as normal as one can get these days. 

But it’s not like it was when he had another young girl living with him. He misses that. He misses Ellie. 

But at least she has you. 

But he wishes it was him. At least, partly, him. 

But it’s not. 

He closes his eyes. 

—

“Joel!” Ellie cries out, violently ripping Joel out of sleep, and he’s instantly on his feet. When he hears your voice crying his name out, too, every cell in his body is in a panic, almost falling as he races down the stairs. What could have happened? Have Infected broken through the gates? Is someone attacking you? Did one, or both of you, get injured? Is he about to lose one of you? This place is supposed to be safe! 

When he finally sees you, he’s befuddled. 

You’re both smiling in the kitchen, bacon searing in a pan next to one of scrambled eggs. 

“We made breakfast!” You announce, both of you giggling. 

Joel swallows, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Are y—is everythin’ alright?”

“Yeah, we just wanted to let you know that we made breakfast.”

Once the shock has worn off, anger bubbles up. He feels it register on his face, but tries his best to reel himself in, swallowing hard. You made him breakfast. You made breakfast for all three of you. That’s a very nice thing to do. All you were doing was waking him up. You weren’t trying to hurt him. You didn’t know how it would affect him, how it would nearly make his life flash before his eyes. That’s his problem, not yours. 

“Y—don’t—just, come wake me up next time.” He states, trying to keep a hold on his sternness. 

“Jeez,” Ellie raises her brows, “someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. 

Joel sighs through his nose, looking at you, but all you do is shrug with a smile. He swallows. 

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door, followed by a familiar voice. “Mornin’, just us.” Tommy calls out, he and his wife smiling back at a confused Joel when he opens the door. 

“I invited them for breakfast this morning, remember?” You say as you come up beside him, a hand instinctively rubbing his back. 

“Oh, I uh,” Joel glances between you and the couple at his door, “must’ve forgot. Come on in.”

“Forgetting a lot these days,” Ellie teases as she sets plates out on the table. Her tone is teasing, but Joel can’t help the tightening of his jaw at the reminder of his failures. When he flicks his eyes back up, he’s me with Tommy’s, and he knows he’s been caught red handed by the concern in them. He switches his gaze right back to the floor, making his way to a seat at the table. 

“Wow, look at this spread,” Maria comments, smoothing the cloth napkin under the silverware over her lap, a move that only makes Joel think again, what am I doing here? Cloth napkins alone are something that hadn’t crossed his mind in just about two decades. And despite Maria’s innocent move, paired with her eventual attempt to make him feel more welcome into the community, the resentment he feels for her hasn't quite let him go. So… civilized, so proper. Better than him.

“Well, make sure you serve yourself first, Joel likes to hog bacon.” Ellie returns as the five of you settle down at the table. 

“I do not,” he counters, tone mild, though slightly wounded. 

“Do to.” She raises her brows as she spoons eggs onto her plate, “You’re gonna need to get a bigger pair of pants soon, swear.”

To his dismay, you’re chuckling when he looks at you. And when he sees the obvious concern in his brother's eyes, he decides it might be best just to keep his head down. So, he hardly says anything at all, despite Tommy’s repeated attempts to bring him into the conversation. He’s busy arguing with himself in his head, still partly angry, but feeling guilty, too. He wants to be pissed. It was a rude awakening, but it was meant to be harmless. It makes him feel like he doesn’t belong here, like his head is still stuck out there outside of the walls. But he should still be on alert, nowhere is really safe, not even Jackson. What if you were hurt? What if something had happened? He needs to be ready. And you two were being reckless, calling wolf like that. But you were just trying to call him to breakfast. It was innocent. You’re both innocent. 

And then the fact that he forgot that Tommy and Maria were coming over this morning. He almost can’t believe himself. His mind, his sharpness, clarity, and memory, that he’d relied on for survival, is he losing it? Fucking senile. Fucking weak. Fucking stupid. Selfish, just by being here.

It goes around and around like that, and in the end, he can barely finish his food. Ellie’s earlier teasing doesn’t help, either. She’s right, he has gained some weight since arriving in Jackson, but who can blame him, after being close to starving so often? Well, Ellie can, apparently. 

But she means nothing by it, right? And you’re not laughing because you agree, right? 

“Hey,” Tommy startles him out of his spiral, cocking his head towards the kitchen when Joel looks up at him, “come help me with the dishes. Least we can do for these ladies making a whole meal for all of us.” 

Nodding, Joel gets up to help gather plates and follow his brother to the kitchen. Tommy stays quiet for a few moments as he wipes the plates that Joel washes, but he knows he’s in for a lecture sooner or later. 

“Joel.” He finally says, keeping his voice low with the help of the running faucet to keep the conversation quiet. “You gotta say something.”

“About what?” Joel mumbles, keeping his eyes focused on rinsing a soapy plate. He hears his brother sigh.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“It’s fine, Tommy.” He nearly snaps back. 

His brother turns to him, “No, it ain’t.” When Joel doesn’t look up, he sighs again. “Look at me, Joel.” Finally he does. “It’s just not right.” Tommy shakes his head, tone both with genuine concern for his brother with a lilt of anger towards you and Ellie. When Joel notices it, he straightens, almost puffing out his chest. Holding himself back from shoving his finger in Tommy’s chest, he replies sternly, “Now don’t you go blaming them for my fuckin’... sensitivity—” 

“Stop, Joel.” Tommy takes a breath, taking the last clean plate from his hands and slowly drying it as he speaks. “It just hurts me. To see them treating you like that. And I know they don’t mean it like that, and I know that they don’t know. And that's why I’m tellin’ you, you have to speak up for yourself. Please, Joel, if not for your sake, then for mine, and for theirs.” He points his finger back towards the living room. 

Joel huffs, looking back down as the faucet runs over the clean plate. “I'll deal with it.” He says eventually. 

Tommy lets out his own huff, pausing. “Alright.” He replies quietly, pausing again before making his way back into the living room. After a moment of watching him go, Joel turns back to the sink, shutting off the tap and swiping up the towel to dry off his hands. “Can’t catch a fuckin’ break.” He mumbles to himself, thinking about what a wonderful way this is to start off his day.

—

This weekend, it’s the second Miller household’s turn to host game night, and after a very loud game of Uno, the five of you have settled down in the living room for a drink—except for Ellie, that is, who, like every time a bottle is opened around her, begged for a glass and rolled her eyes when she was told, no, you cannot have a glass of whiskey on the rocks. 

The brothers are stood chatting about the latest fixer upper with their elbows on the mantle while the girls are huddled up on the couch. 

“Figure we got about a month left.” Joel concludes, and Tommy nods in agreement, and then their attention is brought to a burst of giggles. It turns the corner of Joel’s lip up, and he inquires, “What so funny over there?” 

The giggles stop, and all three of your heads switch over to his question. 

“Private,” is all Ellie says, and you have to stifle a giggle. 

Having been told that twice now, Joel’s heart falls, but irritation quickly bubbles up. Flustered, his lip twitches, and he hardens his brow. 

“Ellie,” he starts, adjusting his arm on the mantle, voice sharp like the glass in his chest, “it’s rude to have a private conversation when we’re trying to all have family time here.”

“Jesus,” Ellie rolls his eyes, only piquing Joel further, “manners!”

“Manners—“ Joel starts, ready to set fire to the entire living room, wounded and now humiliated in front of his brother and his wife, but she interrupts him, “Yeah, manners, we’re over here trying to have a private conversation which you are interrupting. Goes both ways, old man. Don’t get all mad at me cause you’re still so un-domesticated.”

Her tone isn’t serious, but her words make him feel hollow. He shifts on his feet, torn between anger and shame, then glances at Tommy. His brows are upturned, his lips a thin line. Joel’s chest tightens, now frustrated and only further embarrassed at snapping. He hasn’t done that in a while. He’s trying. He’s trying to learn how to be calm. How to breathe. How to be polite. Keep his cool. 

But his lip twitches, and his mind goes blank. 

“Ellie, knock it off.” He nearly growls. Her eyes widen, brow raised. “Woah, there,” but then you cut in, softer voice almost pleading, “She’s just being a teenager, Joel.”

“Yeah,” he nods, “I know what teenagers are like. Doesn’t mean we have to put up with the bullshit.” 

“Joel—” Tommy tries. Joel turns to him, face scrunched, “Don’t Joel, me, Tommy. Am I the only one gettin’ fed up with this shit?”

“What shit?” Ellie cuts back in, face scrunched just the same. 

Joel takes a step forward, unable to stop himself. “The shit where you disrespect everyone who—” he pauses. Everyone who’s put their life on the line to put up with you, is what had tempted his tongue. Thank god his teeth had the instinct to bite his tongue when they did, because it would have been something that he didn’t mean, that he didn’t even believe. He glances around at every set of eyes turned to him, all looking like they’re bracing themselves. He falters, lets out a breath, then heads straight for the kitchen. “Fuckin’ bullshit.” Comes out under his breath.

Opening the fridge to set an ice cube that he doesn’t need into his near empty cup, he takes a breath, forcing it out through his nostrils. “The fuck is his problem?” He hears Ellie whisper from the other room, and that’s when the anger slips away to make room for the crushing guilt, and he finds himself unable to move, chest knotted and heavy.  

“Hey,” he hears quietly at his side, turning to see Maria leaning against the doorframe. 

Snapping back into reality, he closes his eyes and clenches his jaw, knowing ignoring her is unacceptable. He’s just not in the fucking mood.

“Hey.” His voice comes out gruff. 

She comes around to his side, forcing him to turn with his back towards the living room. She glances back at it, then lowers her voice. “Tommy talked to me about—“

“Course he did.” Joel grumbles, closing his eyes and swiping his hand over his forehead.

“Yeah,” Maria cuts back in, tilting her head with sharp eyes. Then, she closes them, bowing her head for a moment before coming back up with a forced, calm expression, a strategy he envies deeply. “He did,” she begins again, “because he cares. Therefore, I care. Ellie was rude. And I apologize for that.” Joel closes his eyes and shakes his head, but as soon as his mouth starts to form a rebuff, she cuts him off again. “Can you just let me finish, Joel?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, lowering her tone. “She is the one who doesn’t have manners, she’s the one who has never lived in a civilized community. Not like this. Not like the world before. Because of that, she also doesn't understand boundaries. So,” she sighs, tilting her head again, “being in the position you are, it’s your responsibility to teach her. She doesn’t know what she’s doing because she never learned. You have. You’re a good man, and a strong man.” Joel is taken aback by her words, not expecting a compliment from her, especially not paired with the earnestness in her eyes. “You deserve kindness and respect. Not to say you need to discipline her, just… let her know. How you’re feeling. That she’s hurting you.”

Joel is so tired of saying he’s fine when he isn’t so many times in the last week that he decides to just keep his mouth shut for a moment. After a moment, he nods, staring down at the dregs of gold left in his glass. 

“Thank you.” He eventually mumbles. 

“You're welcome.” She returns with a tight lipped but genuine smile. Then, she pats his arm, and walks back to the living room, announcing, “Hate to be the one to say it, but it’s bedtime.”

As they bid their goodnights, Joel is almost absent, besides the feeling of tension in the air like static whenever Ellie nears him. 

In his head, there’s shame, first and foremost—for snapping at Ellie, to have a problem that Tommy had to talk to his wife about. For not seeing what Maria saw, too wrapped up in his head to see the bigger picture; by letting her down, again.

But there’s something on his mind, too. An idea of how to fix it. Having his head grabbed and forced to look through the lens of being responsible, not just a victim, flicks a switch in his head. The first occurrence of a drive to actually talk to her about it. Now, it’s for her. He can do that. Because he’ll do anything for her. 

—

The next night, Joel pauses in front of Ellie’s door, careful to stay out of the line of light coming from her bedside lamp. He raps his knuckles softly on the door, “Hey, you got a sec?”

“Yeah,” Ellie calls back, followed by the soft thwap of a closing book, “come in.” 

His steps are hesitant, almost awkward as he makes his way to the bed, permissed to sit when she brings her legs up to fold under her. 

“Listen, baby girl,” Joel starts, eyes on the floor as memories of talks with Sarah that always start with that very phrase. “I gotta talk to you about something.”

“Mhm?” She nods, innocence in her eyes that make his gaze land straight back on the floor. 

“We just… uh, boundaries.” He attempts at purpose in his voice. “You gotta understand, when, uh, y’know, you can’t just go around teasing people all the time.”

“I don’t tease everyone, I just tease y—“

“Yeah, I know. But you can’t make that a habit, alright? It can hurt people's feelings, sometimes.” 

This is the best Joel can do, unable to openly speak on how he feels, tell her that she’s hurt him. But Ellie won’t let him off that easily, her tone softening, sounding almost like she’s just a kid, which she is, but barely ever shows. “I hurt your feelings?” 

It comes out so small, fidgeting with her fraying sleeve, and that’s what he focuses his eyes on, afraid that if he meets hers, he’ll freeze at the sight. That he’ll see guilt. But he has a purpose. He can’t let himself trip. 

The words pauses and strains in his throat a couple times before he can manage them out. “Yeah, sometimes.”

There’s a pause. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know kiddo, I,” he pauses to sigh as guilt washes through his chest, I deserve it ringing in his head, but then he thinks back to Maria’s words. Then, it hits him. Ellie also needs to learn how to speak up for herself. To know that when someone hurts her feelings, she should confront them—using her words instead of her fists—and that she shouldn’t feel sorry for doing so. “It’s alright, I know you’re not trying to be mean. And I—“ he stops himself again, fidgeting his fingers as he lets the shame pass through and out of him before he speaks again. “Sometimes, I…” he nods, like a nervous tick, eyes safely on the floor as he forces the admission. “I struggle. And I know you know that. And I’m sure it’s been hard on you, too, Jackson… it’s a big adjustment. Haven’t seen anything like this in a long, long time. Having all these people around—friendly people. Sit down meals with real portion sizes. And just… a home. And I love it, I do. But, uh, it’s just… I’m not used to… being… settled down. I’m used to runnin’. Used to fightin’. I startle easy, honey. And sure I shove food in me. And I am getting’ older… but…”

“Takes a lot to get to 58.”

He looks at her then, pausing, then nods. “Yeah. Yeah it does.”

“I know I’ve never actually said it, but… I respect you. Really.” She nods. 

After a long moment, processing and recovering from that unanticipated sentiment, Joel nods back. “Now, listen—“ he starts, leaning his elbows on his knees, “I’m not asking you to say yes sir no sir, just… cut me some slack, sometimes. Alright?” 

Pretending to think on it, Ellie rolls her eyes around the ceiling with a frown before looking back at him and nodding, a small smirk spreading across her face, making Joel’s lips tug up almost automatically. “I think I can manage that.” 

“Now look, I,” he waves his hand out, “I don’t want this to be, you know, like you can’t have fun, I like you talkin’ and messin’ around. Highlight of my day. Sometimes.” He shrugs lightly, getting a small chuckle out of her. “I just… would be nice to… be included.” He nods at her, chest tightening at the vulnerability. “Y’know?”

“Yeah. I get that. How about we just team up on your girlfriend?” She smirks. 

Joel shakes his head, chuckling. “Or maybe we’ll just team up on you.”

“Psh. As if you could cut through this thick skin of mine. Do you have any idea what kind of zoo FEDRA school was?” She laughs, brow raised. 

“And I’m sure you gave ‘em hell.”

“Well… towards the end, yeah.” 

“So you toughened up, huh? Weren’t born like this?”

“Well…” she shrugs. “Not really.” Ellie looks down, tracing spirals on her sheets. “I was real sensitive as a kid.” This makes Joel pause. He imagines her, younger, quiet, reserved, but not in a cagey way—soft. Soft enough to get picked on. He’s not quite sure what to say, but she breaks the silence. “So I get it. And I know it’s not… that bad, but… I don’t want you to think you’re anything less than my favorite person.” The edges of her lip tug up, peering up at him, and Joel’s heart aches, not in pain, but something else that he can’t quite put his finger on. For a moment, he’s frozen, but then he blinks, and retreats his gaze to the floor. “Well, that’s an honor.” He replies quietly. 

Ellie chuckles, even though it wasn’t a joke. “Well, you’re very welcome. Guess I shouldn’t call you old man anymore, so, what, just, Joel?” Her face twists up, making him chuckle at how unacceptable that seems to be. 

“Joel’s fine.” He smirks. 

“Ugh, that’s so boring. How about… cowboy? That’s not disrespectful, is it?”

Joel chuckles again, shaking his head. “No, I wouldn’t say so.” He smirks at her, “Kinda has a nice ring to it.”

“Right?” Ellie replies brightly, and the look on her face makes Joel feel like there was never anything wrong in the first place. He pauses on her smile, one rising to his lips at the sight. That’s my girl. 

After a moment of trying to memorize that smile, he sighs deeply, then pats her leg. “Alright, kiddo. Time for bed.”

“Yes, sir.” She replies, a smirk on her lips. He smirks back, rolling his eyes. 

A smile sticks to his lips as he walks back to his bedroom, relief flowing through him, and this time, after writing I love you on a sticky note to stick on your pillow, it’s not so hard to close his eyes and drift off to sleep. 

He did something, something a father does. He did right by her. Like he used to do right by Sarah. 

—

That relief didn’t even last to the morning. Instead, doubt ripped at him. Fear that he’d stepped too far, telling her that she’d hurt him. It’d been hard to meet her eyes all day, afraid to see guilt in them, but she was out and about all day anyway, avoiding him, he assumed. 

He can’t stand the thought of losing you or Ellie, but isn’t he starting to already, even if it’s just in his head? He doesn’t feel anywhere near as close to either of you as he once did. Though you still have good times together, though there’s still plenty of love, and you’re still all very much a family, he feels like he’s drifting farther and farther away from it. Like he’s starting to just be looking in through a window, putting on a mask.

More than anything, he wants to keep his family. Desperately, he wants the closeness, the unity, the love. The family. Not just the household, the family. 

He loves the two of you like he’s loved no one else, not quite like this. With the world the way it is, it’s a different breed of sacrifice than for the one he had before. And he needs the two of you to know that, how much he loves you. But he wants to feel loved, too.

With that last realization, something snaps inside Joel. 

I want to feel loved, too. He almost whispers the thought out loud, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes as the tears slip out. Though he’s alone in his room, both you and Ellie are home, and he can’t let himself get caught crying. He sniffles and looks back up, staring into the dark of the night through the window, but it only reminds him of how alone he feels, fueling more tears. It almost startles him, and he shut his eyes quickly—he’s still not a cryer. He must not have realized just how much he was hurting until now, recognizing that he doesn’t feel nearly as loved as he loves. 

You deserve to feel loved, comes a ghostly voice in his head, and it sounds like Sarah, and then he sees her, peering up at him like he should know this, because there’s her face looking at him with those big brown eyes and that light smile and all the love in it, and he clenches his teeth and tightens his body, quieting his shaking sobs. 

“Fuck.” He breathes out with a hiccup. “Get your shit together.” And he does try, taking a deep breath and looking at the ceiling, but the tears keep coming, beading at his chin. 

Weakness. That’s what’s pouring from his eyes. He was weak, and that’s why Sarah died. He was weak, and that’s why Ellie ended up unconscious in that hospital in the first place. 

Too deaf and too slow. 

Even when he was two decades younger, he failed. 

All he does is let them down. 

And look at him now, crying, because he can’t, he can’t tell you the truth, because he’s a coward, and he’s weak. 

“Fuck,” heaves out of him as he presses the heels of his hands in his eyes, until it hurts, until he’s seeing stars, and his teeth hurt from the clench of his jaw. 

He deserves it. But he’s still hurting them. Everything he does is wrong, even when every instinct in him says it’s right. 

I let you down, I let you down, he tells Sarah, he tells Tommy, he tells Ellie, he tells you. 

That’s who he is. At his core, he’s a disappointment. No matter how hard he tries—

“Hey,” he hears you at the door, and quickly tries to compose himself, almost slapping his face to wipe the wetness off of it with a quick sniffle. “Hey,” he responds, glancing at you, then planting his gaze on the floor, heart starting to race, being caught red handed again. Immediately, you’re at his side on the bed, but he keeps his gaze turned away, trying but failing to be inconspicuous. But your presence alone in the moment is enough to sprout more tears from his eyes, not from guilt but just from that thing you do to him, making him feel safe enough to be honest, vulnerable. To cry. And then your thumb is on his cheek, brushing the tears away. He clears his throat, still turning away, but he knows he can’t hide now.

“What’s wrong?” Concern drips from your gentle voice, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Nothin’, I’m alright.” He clears his throat again, though shame starts to boil him, from the crying, and now the lying.

“No, you’re not.”

He sighs through his nose.

“You’re a shit lair.” You try to jest, but it’s just another knife in his chest. Back in the most gentle of tones, you sound almost like you’re begging, “Joel, tell me.”

He swallows thickly, eyes still on the floor. “I don’t know, it’s just, uh,” he tries to clear his throat again, but his face falls, brow drawing up as more tears streak his cheeks. 

“Joel, Joel,” you reply instantly, pulling his face to meet your eyes, and he watches your face fall like a ball of lead when you see his pain, then begging him in a whisper, “please, tell me what’s going on.” 

It pushes the confession out of him. “I—I don’t wanna make you feel bad, but I just, I just,” he huffs a sigh, “I just feel like the three of us, aren’t as close as we used to be. With—with Ellie, I know that we were on the road, so, we kinda had to be, and with you, ya know… I don’t know. Things have just, changed, and uh,” his voice breaks, but he tries to regain control with a shaky breath, turning his gaze to the floor. “Jackson is a good place, for Ellie, and for you, for all of us, and you and Ellie are close, and that’s good, it’s good. I don’t wanna be ungrateful, I don’t—” you, sensing his back turning on his own feelings, urge him again, voice gentle as a petal, “Joel, tell me.”

He pauses, looking back at you, then confesses, “I just feel like I’m, not who I used to be, to you two.”

You’re visibly taken aback, brow drawing up. “What do you mean?” You nearly whisper. 

He closes his eyes, lip starting to wobble. “E—Ellie talks to you, and that’s good,” he nods, “it’s good, it’s, great, but uh… she doesn't talk to me like that, and uh, I used t’, I used to have… those conversations, with Sarah” Joel’s head drops as soon as her name leaves his lips, and your arms wrap around his neck, pulling him immediately to your chest. His heavy hand slides up your side, holding you halfheartedly. There’s the sorrow and shame and pain, but feeling your body against his offers some comfort. It’s followed closely by more sorrow, now allowed, and the words continue to fall out. “An’ uh, you an’—an’ I, I dunno, it’s just, changed, an’, like I said, it’s good you’re close to Ellie, it’s my favorite thing to see, but, but I—”

Before he can finish, you bring him to face you again, cupping his cheeks with your thumbs brushing over the wet streaks, eyes full of sincerity. “I love you.” 

Joel closes his eyes, nodding again, leaning into your touch. “I know, I know you do.” He looks at you again, “An’ I love you, too, an’ I need you to know that, an’ that’s why I, I haven’t said anythin’, but I… I don’t want you to feel bad,” he shakes his head, “I—” he stops himself abruptly, sighing deeply and shaking his head again. “Nevermind. Forget it. I’m bein’ a child.” Joel stands up, on his way to retreating straight through the front door and into the cold night, but your grip on his arm surprises him. 

“Joel.” When he looks at you, you pause, expression dripping with sympathy, but the first emotion that comes out of him is disgust.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you pity me.” He answers immediately, pulling his arm away and looking at the ground. “You know I can’t stand that shit. Doesn’t even fuckin’ matter. It’s nothin’. Just… lost my… composure. It’s fine. It’s nothin’.” He goes to leave again, but is caught just the same, this time you coming to your feet to pull his arm. 

“No, it is not, Joel. You don’t get like this if it’s nothing.” You tug his arm again, trying to take his attention. When he looks at you again, he pauses at the pleading in your eyes. “Joel.” You whisper, “Tell me.”

He swallows thickly, and reluctantly comes back to sit on the bed. 

It’s another sharp battle in his mind as he does, the familiar self hatred, but now there’s the guilt of shutting down with you. There have been many conversations, and a promise made. He can’t break it. He can’t break your trust again. So, he speaks, though the words feel thorny in his throat. “I love you. I love seein’ you happy. More than anythin’ I love seein’ you and Ellie happy. You two are everythin’ to me. I want you, always. Life would be nothin’ without you, and without Ellie, and I jus’—I jus’ want you two to be happy,” his voice breaks again, “and that’s why I—I didn’t want to say anythin’, I don’t want to ruin your fun, y—you can joke around, I want you to, even if it’s at my expense I—I just kinda wish I was… included.” Pain lilts his last word. Suddenly feeling childish again, he drops his head. “I shouldn’t be whinin’.” He shakes his head. 

“Joel—”

“You’re right, anyway, I’m old, an’ fuckin’ sensitive,” the sourness of the word is obvious in his voice and on his face, “I’m weak an’ everythin’ you two say is true, I,”

“Joel—”

“It’s true, and I shouldn’t be gettin’ this worked up about jus’ some jokes, I’ve just gotten fuckin’ soft,”

“Joel—”

“I’ve jus’ been lettin’ myself go, I guess, I fuckin’ deserve it, shit, I deserve much worse, for all the shit I’ve done,”

“Joel.” Your forceful tone breaks him out of his rant. “No. You don’t, and I’m sorry—”

He hangs his head, “No, I—”

“Joel.” You move his head to look at you again, “no, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, and I should have—you’re not weak, and you don’t deserve us making fun of you. I just didn’t see it, and that’s my fault, we were being mean,” Joel tries to protest, but you speak over him, “we were, you’re just so damn good at hiding how you feel, and I just wasn’t paying attention. And that’s my fault. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be giving you such a hard time all the time. And that is not what I meant by saying you’re sensitive. That is not a bad thing, Joel.” You sigh, looking into his eyes with yours full of love. “Sensitive doesn't mean weak. It’s humanity. I love that you can be soft. And that’s not a small ask. You are not a bad person. With what the world is now, there are plenty of people who have done much worse. Joel, you still have a heart, and it’s full, and you’re giving, you’re self sacrificing, Jesus, Joel, you’ll do anything for people you love. And yeah, it gets messy, but it’s love. You have been through so much. But you still have your heart. And I love it more than anything, Joel. More than anything. I love you,” you pause to kiss his forehead, “I love you to pieces, Joel, I adore you, and I want you to know that. And I haven’t been showing that. And that’s my fault. None of this is on you, love.”

“I just want you two to be happy…” Joel whispers, looking into your eyes.

“We want you to be happy, too.”

“I just don’t wanna ruin your fun—”

Ellie’s voice interrupts, “We want you to have fun, too, Joel.” You both snap your heads to her standing in the doorway, looking almost small, fingers brushing the edge of the door she’s cracked open. 

“Ellie…” Joel hangs his head, voice dripping with shame. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

She comes almost charging in, sitting at Joel’s other side to wrap her arms around his shoulders. He leans into it immediately, turning to wrap his arms right back around her. She buries her face into the crook of his neck, and he holds her tighter, sighing shakily. “I’m sorry, baby girl.”

“No, I’m sorry.” She says, muffled into his shoulder. Then, she whispers, “I just didn’t know. Thought you just knew that you were the shit.” This gets a small chuckle out of him, warmth filling his chest as he holds onto her, her small arms wrapped around his shoulders. She buries her face further into the crook of his neck, and Joel sighs deeply, knowing that Ellie is the most precious thing on this planet. 

After a moment more in the embrace, they pull away slowly. Joel looks at the floor, sighing, and smooths his hand over you and Ellie’s knees. 

“I love you two more than anythin’.”

“And we love you, too.”

Joel sighs. “I know.”

“Not enough, though.” You tell him, folding your hand into his and squeezing it. “Like Ellie said, you're the fucking shit.” You smile, though there’s still the upturn between your brows and wetness in your lashes. “And you deserve to be shown that.”

Joel sighs, looking back at the floor. “I don’t want this t’… mess everything’ up, I want you guys to have your fun,”

“Oh, we can’t stop having fun.” Ellie smiles, “But it’s not fun without you.” Joel smiles back with a small chuckle, squeezing her knee. She puts her head on his shoulder and sighs. “We love you, Joel.”

“I know. An’ I love you, too.”

A silence falls, a blanket of calmness, but it feels warmer than ever. Though he broke down in front of both you and Ellie, he’s relieved that he did. Honesty is freeing. It’s all out on the table, and the only thing he got out of it was love. No anger, no shaming, but kindness, care. Love. 

As he sits, a contented smile raises to his lips. He feels the warmth of his family. He sighs. His family.

—

Coming home from his last late night shift of the week, a tired Joel stamps his snowy boots on the mat inside the door, breathing out a relieved sigh. The house has felt warmer ever since the heart-to-heart the other night.

“He’s gonna love it.” Comes your voice from upstairs, raising his curiosity, so he hangs his jacket and starts for the stairs. 

“I hope so.” Is Ellie’s quiet reply, but he can still tell it’s coming from his room. 

When he walks in, you flip your heads around, Ellie’s hands on a frame being hung on the wall across from him. 

“Hey.” He says, confused.

You turn to him with a smile, “Welcome home, Joel. Ellie has a surprise for you.” Ellie attempts to smile, but is obviously shy. She finishes hanging the large frame and steps back, eyes staying on Joel. 

Instantly, he can recognize what it is, and his breath hitches. On the wall is a pencil sketched portrait of him. Almost in shock, he walks closer. The likeness is amazing, but still with the penciled brush of her distinctive style. “Damn, Ellie.” He says quietly, trying to keep composed. “This is amazing, sweetheart.” 

“That’s what I said.” You say, a smile in your voice. “I guess she’s so used to seeing your face so much she’s pretty much memorized it.”

That hits home. 

“Thanks.” Ellie replies, still shy. He glances at her, then pulls her close to his side as he looks back at the drawing, unable to keep his eyes off of it. 

“When did you…”

“It took a few days.”

“Ellie…” tears start to well up in his eyes, so he clears his throat. “Damn.” He sniffles. 

“I’m glad you like it.” She replies, face squished against him with her arms wrapped around his middle. 

“I love, baby girl, I love it. I love it.” He kisses her head, squeezing her tighter. After another moment of staring at the piece, he looks down at her, met with a smile, and he chuckles at the remaining shyness, tickled at the idea that she should be anything other than extremely pleased with herself. This little girl is talented. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome.” She replies, smile widening. 

He looks back at you then, at the smile on your face, pride in Ellie, adoration at the moment he’s sharing with her. “C’mere.” He says, offering his other arm out, and you oblige almost with haste, laying your head on his shoulder with his arm around your waist. 

“It really is amazing, Ellie.” You tell her. 

“Took me a few days, and a lot of erasing, and swearing, but I think it turned out alright.”

“Alright,” Joel chuckles, “Ellie, I—” when his eyes find the ghosted outline of that scar hidden in his hairline, he can’t finish his sentence, the start of a sob catching in his throat. He sniffles and sighs, rubbing her arm. “Damn. Means the world to me, Ellie.”

“Well, you mean the world to me.”

He looks down at her again, but all she does is press her cheek into his side. He half chuckles, half sniffles again, chest full to the brim with gratitude and joy and love. The feeling of being loved. 

You both love him, and he knows it, he does, but it’s been foggy. But this gift from Ellie, knowing how hard she worked on it, and that she didn’t even need a reference, she just knows his face, is just something else. 

He can get in his head about things, you’ve helped him to realize that, but he hasn’t quite gotten the hang of getting out of it. 

But this does. He sees his graphite reflection, coming from Ellie’s loving little hands. He’s important. He means something. His purpose and meaning is love, it’s family, it’s you and Ellie and Tommy. 

And everything everyone has done to try to help him see it. Tommy’s urging, Maria’s wisdom, your care and concern, and Ellie’s work. 

Reflecting on it, the love becomes more and more clear. 

All the smiles he sees from you Ellie, her first impulse still to laze on him in the couch, the touches and kisses from you as natural as the air itself. Tommy, able to read him like a book, nearly begging him to stand up for himself, because Tommy thinks he deserves better. Maria stepping in, not to scold, but to empathize. Your immediate amends, the tugging of his arm. Pulled in by the ones he loves every day. 

Whether he thinks he deserves it or not, the most important people do. And he has it. It would be foolish to push it away. And he just doesn’t need to anymore. He has his home here. And he wants it more than anything. And he’s earned it. So he’ll take it. In Jackson, what else is there to do but live in this love?

In his graphite reflection, he sees the love that belongs to him, and feels the warmth of it at his sides. 

[hookedonhuge]

Drink Your Milk (Part 2)

(Part 1)

Two weeks later.

“I’m home!” Your housemate Riley beams with his signature smile that is accentuated by his thick beard. He bounces his enormous, hairy pecs a few times for you as he enters. “That was quite a workout!” Riley says, glistening with sweat from carrying twenty bottles of milk between the reinforced bags in each of his hands. “Here I am sweating like a hog, and I can only just carry half the amount you do.” 

Riley, thanks to you, has quickly become nothing short of the epitome of masculinity. Raw muscle explodes out of every part of his body. He has the manliest beard and hairiest chest most people will ever see in their lives. Not to mention his unforgettable and potent musk that reeks of testosterone. He looks like how you did just one week ago. You are like his twin, just bigger, hairier and stinkier.

Riley trudges through the swamp of empty bottles, which are almost up to his knees. To think you two cleaned out the apartment only two days ago. Once he reaches you he gives you a passionate kiss on the lips. “You looked so hot in that commercial yesterday.” Riley whispers in your ear. “I can’t believe they made you shave your beard though.” Luckily for you, your hair grows so fast that you already have a thick stubble. “Also, I know it must have been hard having that milk poured down onto your chest. I know how much you hate wasting milk.”

“It was tough wasting that milk, I just wish you were there so you could have licked it off me. The good thing is I managed to negotiate and get us a lifetime supply of milk because of it. They don’t know the mistake they’ve made.” You smirk as you play with Riley’s sensitive nipples. “By the way, I got you a gig with them next week for another ad.” You twist his nipples a bit harder so that Riley’s excited reaction becomes a moan. “At this rate we will be able to ditch this apartment and buy our own place. Somewhere that can fit us better”

“I won’t miss having to take the elevator separately from you,” Riley smiles, temporarily daydreaming about a long future with you. “And we better hurry up as the building manager is already not happy that you take the elevator even by yourself.” 

“It’s discrimination. I can’t help that I’m a growing boy.”

“Safety is what he told me,” Riley teases. “Anyway, I’ve never known you to wait this long to drink some milk. So let’s get into it. I think I’m ready for us to do ten each.”

“All at once? I’m confident I can do it but are you sure about yourself?” Riley nods. “Well we need you to catch up to my size so it sounds like a plan.”

GUUUUULP! GUUUUULP! Nowadays, you manage to down a whole gallon in just two big gulps. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. You find it cute that Riley tries to match your pace, but it just makes him gulp even more. You consider slowing down to Riley’s pace but you also know how much he loves it when you smash through gallons in just seconds. 

As Riley finishes his second bottle you finish your fifth. You both take a break, both of you panting in unison. Your belly now extends out in front of your massive pecs and it is extremely tight. “You are doing so well,” you say to Riley, patting his bloated belly.

Both of you resume. You have to slow down your pace now. The most you have done in one sitting is actually nine, and you are getting close. As you finish your ninth both with difficulty, Riley also matches his personal best as he finishes up with his sixth.

“You are catching up,” you say between heavy pants. Riley wants to respond but is too breathless. “I am so proud of you for getting this far, I know you can keep going.” 

You both explore uncharted territory together. You go slowly and match Riley’s pace. Each gulp makes you feel like you are about to burst. It hurts, but stretching yourself out just that little more turns you on so much. You know that Riley is experiencing the exact same thing. You finish together, as you stare deeply into each other’s eyes.

The pressure in your stomach is unbearable. You want to burp so bad but you have to save it for once Riley is done. Riley looks defeated but you know that he can push through. “I’ll help you out Riley,” you say soothingly, rubbing his gigantic belly. God, he is so hot like this. Blown up like a balloon, milk sloshing around his big belly and massive pecs. He already looks unrecognisable from ten minutes ago, just imagine the muscle he’ll have once he has let out all the gas.

You take Riley’s eighth gallon and pour it into his mouth for him as you stare deeply into his eyes. “Just imagine how gassy we will be after this.” Seven and a quarter. “We will gas out this entire apartment building. “Seven and a half. “And after this session we will keep going for more.” Seven and three quarters. “We will be doing eleven, twelve each.” Eight done. “Twenty before we even know it.” Eight and a quarter. “Imagine how big we will be then.” Eight and a half. “Our muscles will be twice the size.” Eight and three quarters. “We will be able to lift trucks.” Nine done. “And imagine how hairy and smelly we will be.” Nine and a quarter. “Burps that the whole city will smell.” Nine and a half. “We will never stop growing together.” Nine and a quarter. “We will grow until we are as wide as we are tall. Then we will keep growing past that. We will both finish gallons in one glug. We will drink hundreds in one sitting, what will stop us? To get there you just need to finish off this one. You have smashed your record already and you are about to match mine. I know you can do it” Ten done.

He is a beast just like you. That’s why you love him. You make Riley stand up with you so that you can assess just how huge he is. Just like you his gut has over tripled in size and his pecs have ballooned out as well. “Was someone a little thirsty? You poke his belly teasingly. “You know one gallon of milk a day is a lot for an ordinary person. Let alone ten one after the other. Didn’t you already have five gallons this morning?”

“You had four gallons before I even woke up,” Riley teases back as he grabs your belly with both hands and shakes it. “Then another eight after that. I’m not nearly as gluttonous as you are, but don’t worry I will be soon.” Riley saying that makes you rock hard.

You are really feeling the cramps now and can only imagine that Riley is feeling worse, so it’s time to let it rip. Before you do Riley leans in, able to catch his breath enough to speak. “By the way, all those dreams you spoke about before. It’s unrealistic. We’ll drink more than just hundreds, and we’ll be bigger than is humanly possible and then we will grow bigger than that.” You somehow get even harder. You don’t have anything left to say. Well there is one thing that you want to say, and you just have to say it with Riley…

BRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH-UUUUUUUURRRRRRRR-OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRP!!!

[lavatory-sealed-hanako-kun]

Words on Chapter 120

“You became what you hated most.”

Point Nr. 1: When Teru attacked Kou with spirit lightning to save Nene, Kou was already a ghost.

I am going to throw out a seemingly controversial take here immediately: Teru did NOT KILL Kou and additionally, there are NO PARALLELS between him and Hanako/Amane within the current events and arguably most of the entire manga. Especially not in relation to his hate of Hanako for having killed his twin brother.

This is going to be a very detailed and long one, so have fun.

In chapter 118, Sousuke and Kou are dragged into the exact same door, next to which Aoi later finds Nene's hair clip laying around. We know from the current chapter that this door leads to the basement of the Red House and the opening of the well. We also already know what purpose this well had, since it was established in chapters 68 and 80, that this is the well leading into the pit to which the Kannagi were sacrificed as offerings to a god.

It's a pit of sacrificial corpses, which due to the events of chapter 118 where Sousuke and Kou were dragged into that door and down to that basement, as well as this current one where Kou's possessed spirit tries dragging Nene into it, is clearly a spot still piled up with sacrificial bodies, nowadays the victims of the Red House. And those two boys were both thrown in already.

So now back to the scene where Teru attacks Kou!

Teru specifically uses his spirit lightning to slash at Kou’s hand gripping onto Nene. His sword blade never comes anywhere near Kou's body and we know for a fact that, while spirit lightning can hurt humans who are to some degree supernatural-

It has never been shown to go so far as to chop off limbs or leave very long lasting damages. (Which again, Kou’s hand being chopped off wasn't from Teru's blade either, it never came anywhere near Kou or Nene.)

After the attack, Kou's entirely blood and gore-free wound is shown and he suddenly starts crumbling into mist, exactly like most of the supernaturals did throughout the manga, showing us that this is exactly what a supernatural looks like when they’re exorcised!

Point Nr. 2: Teru knew Kou was already dead.

Alright, buckle in.

When we see Amane kill Tsukasa in flashbacks, it is bloody. He's got him pinned to the floor, using a knife to stab him in the torso, clearly spaced out in some way but committing a very real murder on a very real, living person beneath him.

Without even fully getting into just how completely different Teru's and Kou's dynamics are with each other, in comparison to the situation Amane/Hanako and Tsukasa have going on, you can't just claim that two characters are “parallels” to one another simply because they both happen to have siblings? Tsukasa and Amane were twins, Teru and Kou are not, they’re not even each other's only siblings, they have Tiara there too. Amane was never the one to sacrifice his childhood and future for Tsukasa's wellbeing, he killed him. Teru didn’t take his brother's life, the Red House did.

Tsukasa and Amane always had a very strange dynamic, glued by the hip and overly dependent on one another, Tsukasa even sacrifices animals and later himself to the wishing entity to grant Amane a chance at life without constant pain and illness. For several reasons Amane wants less and less to do with his brother as time goes on, they're still close, but Amane’s keeping his secrets from Tsukasa, and he in turn even accuses Amane of wanting him gone again. Amane immediately refutes that, yet still through a series of still somewhat unclear events, Amane later ends up brutally killing his own brother with what looks to be a kitchen knife (so very likely at home) on the floor, very dazed, but clearly intending to hurt Tsukasa.

Now back to a member of the “I professionally catch strays from the fandom” trio.

I’m going to remind everyone of the fact that this isn't the first time Teru has attacked Kou with his spirit lightning within the last few chapters. A couple chapters prior, when Sousuke invites Kou to search the school for his missing upperclassmen, they encounter the Red House. Aka Tsukasa's possessed soul most likely, since it only seems to take on the appearance of victims it already devoured and we know from the Yugi family photo in chapter 119 that Tsukasa must have died either before or after he went into the red house as a 4 year old, since he doesn't show up in the photo even when he would've still been very young. (This is a bit of a timeline discrepancy, considering the clock keepers went back to 1968 and not 1959 when Tsukasa first goes into the Red House, but I won't get into that right now.)

After this encounter, Kou gets possessed from chasing the entity around and right as he's about to seriously hurt Sousuke, Teru interrupts them by blasting Kou with spirit lighting, a thing he acts VERY CALM about (keep that in mind!). His stance is measured, he's clearly using a lot of force here too despite not using his preferred weapon, it even leaves Kou knocked out and a bit charred on the ground, but clearly not severely hurt in any way.

When even Akane points out how this was a bit overboard, Teru basically assures him that this wouldn't actually hurt Kou, he consistently has a ton of confidence in his brother's toughness.

This also shows he has experience with also using spirit lightning on possessed people and that it proves severely damaging or even fatal on supernaturals, but seemingly never on living humans.

And yet, attention back to the moment it all goes down: Teru is clearly screaming Kou's name in distress, moving to slice the space BETWEEN him and Nene, intending likely to merely free Nene from Kou's grip. If his intention was to just exorcise the entity possessing Kou’s body like he did earlier (in a very calm manner), why didn’t he just blast Kou with spirit lightning again? Why was he screaming his name with a face of agony before even making his attack?

It's because he already knew by this point, that wasn't Kou's living body, that was his ghost. Kou was already dead. He was too late to save him and now all he can do is stop him from dragging another victim down into the well.

Point Nr. 3: But how did he notice?

We can guess Teru has almost completely different senses from anyone else in the cast. He feels and notices things even Kou, Nene and Akane, all of whom can see supernaturals, don't notice. He mentioned seeing literal cracks between the near and far shores in chapter 73, he saw Hanako looking like that on the rooftop, he was the only one to immediately react to Nr. 6’s ambush attack and he is the ONLY ONE in the red house to feel a cold dread and fear of something powerful overcome him, a sensation neither Kou, Akane or Nene felt at all in the house. And again they can all see supernaturals, but they're not attuned to them like he is.

He could see down that well in complete darkness, immediately knowing that what he was looking at were the corpses of Kou, Sousuke and countless other victims. Akane needed a flashlight to get even a glimpse of what had made Teru collapse at the sight, he couldn't see it immediately, no one's eyes are as sharp as Teru's.

He knows supernaturals, he knows the clear difference between a ghost and living human, even when others can't see those. He knew from the moment he laid eyes on his little brother standing on the edge of that well, that he was already dead, a spirit walking without a living body.

He never “killed” Kou, there is no parallel between him and Hanako. He exorcised the shackled spirit of his beloved brother, possessed and puppeteered around by the red house to lure in more victims, because it knew they'd let their guards down around the sunshine boy Kou. He was one of Nene's best friends after all. 

Kou didn't want this, he would have never wanted to hurt Nene or lure anyone else to the same fate he and Sousuke endured here. In his very last moments, there was no anger, no blame towards Teru for attacking him to stop him from dragging Nene down. And none of the morbid fascination and happiness Tsukasa felt at being killed by his own brother.

All he felt was glad that Nene was safe now, hoping he'd get to see her again when the world turned back to how it once was. 

Endword!

So there you have it. Usually I don't make these kinds of commentaries for things I read, because quite frankly I don't care and I’m too busy to make these, thank you for sticking with me through this because huuhhh it took hours to make dear god. Props to everyone who makes these more often, solid troopers fr. I’ll make an exception for TBHK this time (and maybe if I’m asked to again)- solely because I see so many takes that I find are just very strange or completely wrong and that last chapter had me actually super interested in this series again.

I will take this is due in part to the very young average age of readers for this series and the fact it is often (as much as I enjoy reading this hot garbage, find its worldbuilding super fun and love the characters in it), just genuinely not a very well written series. It has an immense amount of plot holes, inconsistent character writing, situations for the sake of it with no proper set up and lets down on a lot of mysteries it builds up because it never resolves them, even several arcs later.

Anyways, if you disagree with my points and/or want to add something to this, feel free to comment, reblog or send in an ask about it. I think discussing stories does the best job at letting people realise things they never noticed before, so I highly encourage doing that lol. Also you made it to the end of this, you get a cookie. If I could bake cookies..

[billkaulitzwife]

The Outsiders Nowadays (in 2024).

Ponyboy (born 2010)

on playstation 24/7

“FIVE MORE MINUTES, DARREL.”

his username is smth stupid like ‘smokersleftlung’ or ‘mylittlep0ny’

“wya?” when ur at his door

vapes.

SORRY.

noah kahan lover

jeans, steel toe boots, camo shirt, neon orange jacket.

would try to get his friends to read

but gets called a dork :)

“Something in the Orange” on full blast while thinking of Cherry

posts horrendous .5s of himself on snap

typa guy to hold a fish on his instagram

favourite show is probably yellowstone

Johnny (born 2008)

loves open boxing the gang !

sad he has an xbox and not ps like the boys

HATES fortnite.

unironically says skibidi gyat

“hey dal, look at that furry over there.”

its just some kid.

foster care.

dallas would add him on snap and getting annoyed when he said “wyll”

has a stupid bow by his name

“johnny🎀”

like bro you are not coquette.

cries to wlw poetry.

snap user: “ooh_achurch” insta: “cadecade55”

used :3 once and never did it again.

watched friends and says “hes so me” whenever he sees ross.

Dallas (born 2007)

“wyll”

typa guy to yell GYATTT in public

barks at emos and furries

vapes in the school bathroom

racist.

would call you a slur for looking at him for more than a second.

mullet + perm combo

jumped a 7 year old and got on the news

male manipulator core

owns a husky named after himself

knife enthusiast.

screams at his dad for ten more minutes on the playstation

“do u send?”

no i do not thank you very much.

suicide boys. lil peep.

thinks he’s dean from supernatural

same username everywhere: “imnottexan”

fav show: big mouth

Adelaide (born 2010)

regina george but on a mental level

gatekeeper.

arsonist !

had a friend group with “bug” “kai” “arson” and “alex” in 2021 and nearly khs.

almost thought she was bi.

fought a girl in the locker room at school

takis, cookie monster pajama pants, latina makeup

SABRINA AND CHAPPELL LOVER, used to be a swiftie

sturniolo triplet fan (owns all of space camp)

buys clothes from shein

usernames: “addiethebaddie” “adelaidecurtis”

fav show wld be shameless

BEDROTTING.

grew up on spongebob and bubble guppies

writes poetry in her notes app

Darry (born 2004)

“live laugh love” sign somewhere in the house

“Doesn’t know how to text normally .”

(jkjk)

“PHONE ON THE TABLE WHEN YOU GET HOME.”

has a pinterest board full of pumpkins and dogs

invested in the kardashians

the therapist friend

facetimes the gang when he’s on lunch break

doesnt understand what skibidi is

ONLINE COLLEGE!!!

blasts dad rock when he drops off the twins at school

duct taped two-bit to the top of his car during freshman kill week

did the same to steve

class of ‘22

lowk eats up lana del rey

hates twitter and instagram

username: “darrel_curtis”

believes in angel numbers (me too king)

has a picture of him holding a fish on his instagram to ‘attract the females’

Sodapop (born 2008)

boycott

belittle

boyboss

owned wizz for less than a day

trolled little kids on roblox with steve

saw too many… things on omegle.

scrolls on tiktok for hours.

usernames: “thispxssytasteslikepepsi” “sodap0p08”

binges twilight in hiding

also barks at emos and furries

laughs at any kinda fart joke

showed pony a picture of a horse and said “found u online”

they fought.

threatened to break the tv when he couldn’t play slime rancher for three hours

turns his life360 off when he goes out with sandy or to a car show

Two-Bit (born 2006)

broke four controllers when he played seige

trolls on fortnite

finally fucking finished high school (class of ‘24)

ice cream scoop hair

binges bojack horseman

bo burnham’s biggest fan

made a huge deal when the queen died

refused to wear a mask during quarantine because ‘ITS FOR SISSIES’

preaches the second amendment “MERICAAA”

username: “twobit”

sends random memes in the gc when the others are fighting

hates xbox users

complains about adelaide using shein

“tummy hurty” posts on his insta story

would slap the shit out of you if you said seige was just a game

Steve (born 2007)

trolls on dti

eats goldfish like his life depends on it

username: “handletherandle”

also preaches the second amendment

and the first

and the fifth

PROUD TO BE AN AMERICA—

went on a school trip to dc and hated everything he had to eat

doordashes when he has enough

hypocrite

wld call you a slur for a GOOD reason

avid minecraft player

and overwatch.

mountain dew addict

reposts politics and cars on twitter

hates minion memes

“wyll”

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

[journal420]

Please yap about monster falls stancest I wanna hear all your thoughts about them

YEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

see. i think i said it in the tags of another post earlier but. im obssessed w the idea that they turn into monsters after fords return.

i know a lot of ppl nowadays do monster falls as a thing where like. everyone is just a monster naturally, like humanity is just a bunch of folk tale monster and human hybrids. BUT ive always liked the og idea its a phenomenon in gravity falls the town because of an enchanted spring somewhere in the woods

stan being a gargoyle just makes him complain more. sure, he isnt dealing with as much back or knee pain anymore, but he's literally made of stone. he's heavy, if he stomps too much he may break some of the older wooden floorboards in the shack. he cant fit in his old shoes because of claws, cant wear his fez properly because of his horns, and now he has to worry about a tail he cant properly control yet and wings. and he cant even fly! i like to think his back brand from the portal incident makes it so one of his wings is just basically burnt off. plus, he ripped through his dress shirt and mr mystery coat with his wings. bummerrrrrr. now he looks just as ugly as he feels

and then theres ford, who i think would be fascinated by the spring since he never encountered it during his couple years of study. he's self assured and confident in himself, especially now. he knows hes a freak and doesnt bother hiding it. he's actually really impressed with his physical changes, he gets wings, a tail, large paws that make writing difficult but he manages, and he starts sprouting fur almost all over. he has to resew his jacket and shirt to make holes for his new wings, but he doesnt mind. he does a lot of study on himself and then moves onto the family, taking looots of notes about deer dipper and unicorn mabel.

so. if this happens before weirdmageddon, dude the stans are Hating eachother, but its still tense. ford wants to ask stan a bunch of questions and write notes about his new biology, but he's also really mad at stan. yknow? meanwhile stan is even more jealous that fords the "superior" twin. ford gets to be a colorful, cool looking sphinx thing that can fly, meanwhile stan just got uglier.

if it happens post weirdmageddon during one of the twins summer visits while the stans dock their boat to hang w the kids, then theyre definitely able to ............................... erm. explore. the side effects of being monsters in a more gentle and loving way with eachother. hehe

[musicalmoritz]

i’ve been following you for a little while because i’ve been considering getting back into TBHK. it was one of my strongest fixations but i was totally put off by the fandom’s reception of one part of the story until i dropped it entirely.

i thought i’d ask to see if the fandom has changed at all since i was last in it, and you seem really good at analyzing media: what’s your take on the amane/(possessed) tsukasa sa theory? i won’t argue regardless of what your opinion is! i’m just curious to see how the fandom is treating the story now. i miss the series alot ngl

Have I finally made it as a TBHK fan creator now that I’ve gotten an ask abt the SA theory?? Jk jk, that was a terrible joke I’m sorry guys

Before I get into this I wanna say thank you for being so respectful, people tend to have very strong feelings in this theory (for good reason, it’s a serious subject) and that can lead to pitchforks whenever it’s brought up. I’m going to try to discuss this as neutrally as possible but I will warn you that I’m very biased. I love Tsukasa as a character and the Yugi twins as a sibling duo so as much as I try to see both sides, I simply don’t want this theory to be true and that plays a large role in how I perceive it

TW: This is going to contain more mature themes than my usual posts. Talk of incest, abuse, sexual assault, sex, trauma, PTSD, and a very brief mention of lesbian fetishization

Starting off with how the fandom as a whole talks about it, people are very against it nowadays. When the anime first came out it was super popular, but now you can’t even mention it without someone telling you never to bring it up again. I have only posted about it once and it was a joke about Tsukasa and Teru both having allegations made against them (tho the Teru ones are way less common and only made by fans who want them to be true bcuz they hate him or ship him with his brother). So far I’ve strayed away from going in depth with my thoughts on it, writing this feels like I’m swinging a bat at a hornet’s nest. If your problem with the fandom was that they denied this theory, then I would continue to stay away from it. People on here are more open towards it than TikTok tho so if you still want to get back into the fandom, I would recommend staying on Tumblr. Someone made ONE post implying it on TikTok recently and the entire fandom was shitting on them for like a week. Those instances are rare, I like the fandom overall, but it has its toxic moments and areas just like every fandom

Okay now onto the theory itself. I’m not going to pretend I don’t see where it comes from, there are some scenes in the manga that are drawn and worded weirdly. Most notably the scene in the Picture Perfect Arc where Mei wrote “Brother Lover” on Amane’s face made me wonder if they were trying to imply something. I have since learned that other translations don’t have the incest implication, but it’s still odd to me that they allowed that in any version. Still, he just looked kind of annoyed as opposed to getting flustered like he would have if something was going on with him and Tsukasa (the way he gets flustered when his feelings for Nene are brought up). So I viewed that scene more as a dark humor joke from Mei, I don’t think it was meant to imply anything serious between the twins

There is another scene in that arc, however, when Nene sees Tsukasa clinging to Amane and Amane does get flustered. He starts blushing and says “um…we were just…” and doesn’t really finish his sentence. This made me raise an eyebrow, but I also wouldn’t take it as confirmation that there’s anything romantic or sexual between them. It could very much be viewed as Amane being embarrassed. I feel that the strongest evidence for the incest theory comes from this arc, but that’s only if you want to run with the scenes I mentioned. I also find it strange that people never use these scenes as evidence, only panels that are drawn kind of weird. Fans seem to be stuck on a lot of early scenes with this theory which weakens its substance

For the record, I will not be analyzing the scene from the anime intro. That has already been debunked, the shadowy figure wasn’t Tsukasa, it was a representation of Hanako’s guilt. Although I disagree with the theory, I’m trying to be fair to the campaigners by debunking the stronger pieces of evidence

The strongest evidence for this theory comes from the art, which is just as important to the story as the writing. With manga and graphic novels, the art tells half the story. It shouldn’t be overlooked, so I understand how some fans lean into it. Look back at the official art I put at the top of this post, it’s weird. Hanako is leaning over Tsukasa while Tsukasa holds his chin/lips and arm. They’re posed like a couple. We would never see the Minamoto brothers posed like that. In other scenes, we see Tsukasa touching Amane’s face or holding him from behind. They’re very touchy with each other, more-so than the other siblings in the series

I have two reasons for not taking these type of scenes/arts seriously in a romantic sense. One is that Tsukasa is simply an affectionate character, and Hanako is the same way. I think it’s more part of their behavior than being specific to each other. Secondly, if it’s intended to be taken in an incestuous way then I genuinely believe it’s fan service. That’s one part I don’t deny, AidaIro have certainly given us reason to believe the twins are like the Property Brothers. I just don’t believe it has any place in the actual story or their dynamic. Fan service is common in TBHK and sometimes it veers into problematic territory. Just look at the scene where Hanako possesses Nene to assault Aoi, and then Kou gets flustered by it and can’t help. A random lesbian fetish scene that is never brought up again and plays no role in the story other than moving us from A to B. I have also heard that there’s incest in some of the other works they’ve made, so it’s not a reach to assume they’d throw in a little fan service for the Yugi twins. How seriously you want to take those scenes is up to you, personally I will continue to deny it until we’re given undeniable confirmation

Back to the twins just being affectionate, we see them act that way with lots of characters. Tsukasa is clingy to Sakura and Mitsuba too, sometimes very suggestively. That doesn’t mean he’s into them. I will say that Hanako is most notably clingy to Nene, someone he’s in love with, but we see him get close and friendly with the other characters too (he sat on Kou’s side and booped his nose during their first meeting). And Tsukasa is the one who initiates their physical affection 99% of the time, Amane’s been receiving it since early childhood so him copying Tsukasa’s behavior makes sense. Romantic relationships in adulthood are determined by the way we interact with our families as children so him repeating these actions in a romantic context doesn’t indicate anything abnormal. In fact, it’s a very realistic portrayal of how our love languages and attachment styles evolve over time

And keep in mind, they’ve been that way since they were three years old, it’s just the way they interact with other people and each other. Tsukasa is a very childish character too, one who has very little concept of personal space and boundaries. So him being a little too clingy with his brother might not mean anything. Again, you could read into it if you really wanted to, but the way he interacts with Amane is nothing out of the ordinary. It aligns with his usual mannerisms, if it were specific to Amane then he wouldn’t act that way with the other characters (Amane was also clingy with Nene before he fell for her). Think of it this way, you don’t see Akane holding Teru’s hand or confessing his undying love to Nene. Characters are going to act differently in their platonic relationships vs. romantic/sexual, and we don’t see that difference with the Yugi twins

A difference we do see with them, however, is that Tsukasa isn’t physically aggressive with Hanako the way he is with everyone else. He never attacks him or tries to hurt him, in fact every time he sees him he gets overjoyed and tackles him in a hug. He has no problem hurting him emotionally and mentally, but we never see any physical aggression between the two. This leads me to believe that the SA theory is invalid, it doesn’t line up with how Tsukasa treats Hanako currently or in any of the flashbacks. If anything sexual took place between them, it would have had to be consensual, because the more solid evidence backing this theory focuses on Hanako’s side of things. He’s very possessive of Tsukasa, and he doesn’t experience a trauma response when they’re touching normally. If it’s an intense scene and Tsukasa is telling him horrible things while touching him, then he freezes in place and starts crying. But when Tsukasa is just hugging or clinging to him, he only gets embarrassed. Hanako does show some signs of PTSD, but that trauma is rooted in him killing Tsukasa. If the trauma were anything sexual, we would see him experience those same trauma responses he displays in violent scenes when Tsukasa touches him in any context. At the very least, we’d see him get way more uncomfortable than being mildly annoyed

(Note: I am aware that not everyone reacts to trauma and PTSD the same way. I do not have any trauma of my own so I am going off what I have heard throughout my life from others sharing their stories. I am in no way trying to invalidate anyone’s experiences, no matter how you react to your abuser your feelings are valid and I hope you get the help you need)

Another common piece of evidence used is that Hanako is hypersexual. I believe this is a serious misuse of the term, hypersexuality is so much more than being a pervert. People who are hypersexual usually think about sex all the time, they engage in excessive sexual behaviors and even think about it in completely normal contexts. This is a common response to many types of trauma, not just sexual. It’s a way for people to gain back control after they’ve been abused, or sometimes it’s a problem that arises from porn addictions or a weird relationship with sex. Even if Hanako were hypersexual, that wouldn’t necessarily indicate SA. He has canonical trauma aside from that, and it could also come from the pent-up frustration of being a middle schooler for 58 years

This is another situation where we have to account for the context. You can’t just take one element of a character’s canon personality and run with it, that’s the leading cause of mischaracterization. You have to consider how that behavior lines up with their other traits. Hanako is an allosexual boy who has been 13 for literal decades. Middle school boys are already one of the horniest species on our planet, it’s an awkward time when you’ve just learned those feelings exist and what they mean but you’re not emotionally mature enough to do anything about it. That usually goes away in the next few years when teens start getting into relationships. Now imagine that feeling staying with you for fifty-eight years. That’s over half a lifetime of being stuck in a transitional period. You have so many strong feelings, but you can’t do anything about them. Not just because of maturity, but because there’s no one to do them with. It makes sense that you wouldn’t know how to act when you get your first girlfriend (not excusing any of his weird behavior btw, frustration is not an excuse and it doesn’t make the way he treats Nene and Aoi okay. But it’s still important to understand his reasons, especially in this context)

I also want to note something I don’t see pointed out often, which is that most of the major scenes of Hanako’s pervertedness occur when he’s talking to Kou. TBHK has a very realistic portrayal of male friendship imo, and this is one of those examples. Having a girlfriend isn’t the only thing Hanako’s missed out on, he also hasn’t been able to make any friends his own age. He’s trying to get Kou to engage in “locker room talk” as a way to bond with him. Whether he’s trying to convince him to share his own preferences, or just wanting to mess with him, it brings them closer in a way. One of the main ways Hanako expresses affection is by annoying people, but I do think part of it is because he wants to be able to talk about hot girls with his only male friend. Sadly, he got stuck with the only middle school boy who respects women

We as a fandom tend to focus on these scenes as “omg Hanako’s a pervert,” or for people that ship him with Kou it’s “aww he’s teasing his boyfriend,” but I think the purpose is more-so to build a realistic friendship dynamic. I find it funny that the fandom as a whole leans more into the teasing explanation whether they ship Hanako and Kou or not, it’s funny to me that we all automatically go with the gay interpretation. But Hanako often uses jokes to cover up his deeper feelings, he acts like he doesn’t care when he actually cares very deeply. So him playing up his pervertedness in an attempt to make friends seems very on brand

My last piece of evidence against this theory is a bit silly and a lot of ya’ll aren’t going to want to hear this but Hanako is most likely straight

*the crowd boos me*

I know, I know, I love the bi headcanon too and I think it makes sense, but unlike with some of the other characters I don’t think it has a place in canon. He acts overly friendly with Kou sometimes but if you’re going to assume they’re queercoded, you have to assume the same about Aoi and Nene (both affectionate friendship that look a little queer sometimes). Shipping aside I read them as a purely platonic duo, if there are feelings on either side then it’s more likely Kou since he’s bisexual. Lots of people point out the scene where he flirts with Kou as a girl, and I agree that was gay af but I kinda think he was just trying to mess with him. And keep in mind that the first thing he wanted to do as a girl was look at girls changing in the locker room (yuri yuri lesbian yuri wlw gay gay lesbian yuri)

This isn’t to bash anyone’s headcanons btw, I headcanon Hanako as bisexual and I do ship him with Kou. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t bet my money on him being intended to be bi in canon. In my post about possibly bisexual TBHK characters I included him as an honorable mention, I just haven’t seen enough substantial evidence so far to believe he was intended to be interpreted that way

I’m aware that sexuality isn’t the biggest obstacle for Tsukasa and Amane, but it’s a relevant mention. If Hanako doesn’t like men, I doubt he’d want to be with his brother of all men. Even if he liked men that would be a terrible option. AidaIro have also confirmed in one of their official arts/doodle skits that Nene is Hanako’s first love, which further leads me to believe nothing happened between him and Tsukasa. You don’t get with your sibling if you’re not ride or die about it. And as I mentioned before, anything that happened between them would have had to be consensual in order to be in-character and line up with the evidence surrounding the incest theory

Lastly, I do believe the love between the brothers is somewhat genuine. It’s horribly toxic, Hanako left Tsukasa in some sort of void for decades and now he continues to keep him around as a yorishiro despite knowing it makes Tsukasa miserable. He loves him so much that he can’t let him go even when it would be good for Tsukasa. That’s selfish, it’s toxic, and on Tsukasa’s side things aren’t much better. He adores his brother but he also resents him for everything he’s done. He hurts him emotionally and attacks his friends. And, of course, Amane killed Tsukasa. Not exactly Brother of the Year

But through all of this, you can’t deny that the love is there. Fans who believe Amane hates Tsukasa kind of miss the point, Tsukasa wouldn’t be Amane’s yorishiro if he hated him. He loves him dearly but in a very complicated way. Adding romance or lust to that love frankly doesn’t make sense to me, it’s adds an unnecessary layer that doesn’t line up with the rest of their dynamic. It feels like a “yes and” to their story. I have read analyses that explain both sides, and ultimately I remain against this theory

I hope this helped you understand my perspective!! I tried to be fair to both sides but as I mentioned, I’m very biased. This is a very uncomfortable subject so it was difficult to write about, but I like tackling more complex topics. I don’t block people who believe this theory unless I dislike the way they talk about it, some people insist it’s canon to the point of hating Tsukasa for it or saying the series is bad. But for those that are more open-minded about this theory, I don’t mind interacting with them. In general though this is something I try not to think about lol

[shveris]

au idea in which satoru and shoko get suguru an emotional support cat after the whole riko-toji situation because neither of them have the time to be there for him properly (satoru with missions and shoko with med student studies).

but suguru absolutely hates cats, which both of them were aware of but they knew he wouldn’t find the energy to crawl out of bed or even leave the room for walks for a dog. so a cat it was.

the first week is just him constantly complaining about the kitten being everywhere in his space, saying it’s just like satoru in that regard (satoru pouts at that) but he doesn’t have the heart to bring the cat back to the shelter — “i would look like a heartless asshole” he said and his best friends almost replied with “you kinda are.”

after two weeks, the cat starts following suguru around obediently, almost like a dog, and sits on his shoulder when he has the energy to cook, like a parrot. they decide to not comment on it because suguru seems to be actually doing better.

in all honesty, shoko and satoru didn’t know if their friend would be able to take care of another living being if he couldn’t even maintain himself properly. they were relieved to see that learning how to take care of an animal, paying attention to them, going through trial and error multiple times, did actually help suguru to fall back into his old routine again. when the cat ate, he ate; when the cat slept, he slept; when the cat was busy cleaning its fur, he took a shower; when the cat was busy playing with itself, suguru found himself enjoying books again.

he talks with the cat when he feels alone and he doesn’t have to worry about getting judged for his opinions, spilling out all the somber thoughts he’s been harbouring to this little unaware and very fluffy creature. it just stares at him with wide eyes while playing with his fingers while he talks about genocide and his deep hatred for non-shamans.

while the cat grows in size, suguru’s fondness for it does as well. he stops being irritated when the little fur ball decides to bounce on him during the night — when his thoughts wander off into dark and very horrible territory — because it helps him snap back into reality. he entertains the cat with one of the hundreds of toys satoru brought him until they both pass out from exhaustion.

when he cries or thinks about just ending everything, the cat is always there to comfort him with purrs, never once upset about getting pressed into his chest like a stuffed toy. it helps, it’s nice, he feels listened to without having to deal with the repercussions or the effects of his words if there’d be an actual human being lending him their ears.

it’s freeing.

when summer is nearing its end months later, suguru doesn’t burn down a village and kills 112 people. he simply takes the twins back to school and hurriedly walks to his room to tell the cat — which always waits for him on the pillow of his bed — all about those horrible human souls he’d just had the pleasure of dealing with.

“why are humans so stupid, non-shamans in particular? those two are just children, you know? i wish i could’ve just explained those assholes how jujutsu works but i’m glad yaga-sensei is dealing with their bullcrap right now. i think if i’d have to look at their faces for one more second, i would’ve gone on a murder spree… i guess it’s good i didn’t though, who would take care of you then, hm? surely not satoru, he can barely take care of himself. he’s been so busy, i rarely see him nowadays… i don’t think he’s slept at all for the past weeks. and don’t even get me started on shoko, she’s either studying in the mortuary, drinking herself to death, smoking her stress away or all of those at the same time.”

the cat purrs because suguru’s chest vibrates with every word. suguru cries.

the cat loves him for who he is, unconditionally, unaware of the horrors outside the school campus. it’s there for him, always, eager to accept or give attention when suguru’s on college grounds. suguru’s actions and thoughts don’t matter, all that does is the love he shows for the cat and it happily gives him some of it back.

hi hello i hate gege and love & miss sashisu terribly ):

[imalwaysinconfusion]

Music Artists the Miracles✨ listens to:

-Kagami

Kendrick Lamar (HEAVY ON HIM)

J.I.D.

some underground soundcloud shit like he would say “yeah was there when so and so been posting on soundcloud” type stuff

LATTO

NICKI MINAJ

MEGAN THEE STALION (that’s his wife, has to fight aomine all the time over her)

yk he gotta keep up with his black american girlies 😫

he loves paramore… MISERY BUSINESS?!… shut him up

-Kuroko

lana del ray… don’t ask me why, i’ve never listened to her fr, but i see it for him

some pleasant smooth indie bands

Lake street drive, their song hypotheticals to be exact (very good song btw

anything easy listening honestly

80’s city pop

-Kise

def a kpop girlie

girl group stan

a blink and a ive girlie

takao HATES that he’s a blink they don’t talk about it

loves wony VERY MUCH, does not play about her

but he also ADORESS KEP1LER

started listening to del ray recently, (tetsu put him on) likes her a lot

loves ice spice and pinkpantheress, together and separately

listen to a bit of t-swift, just a tiny bit

-Murasakibara

A LOT of underground indie bands

anything with a lot of percussions

atsushi is a drummer so yk he needs to hear a lot of dem drums

alt rock, or just alternative in general

PARAMORE… he loves them found them before kagami mentioned them to him

FALL OUT BOY HEAVY ON THEM

loves skillet to went to see them in concert started crying

love the type of rap that’s like out of pocket but like who tf cares cause it goes hard

CHOCHISE… LOVES THAT MAN

mura love to dance so yk

-Midorima

a swiftie but will never admit it, kise and takao found out… GIRLLLLL

but all in all doesn’t really listen to a lot of music unless takao make him

so with that being said, he has been listening to kpop, female rappers, rap in general

he LOVES meg, he just loves how she tells her life through rap

and he just mesmerized by how it moves like water😩

oh and he loves shakira for some reason, the guys don’t know why, but kagami understands and won’t explain to the rest

loves the lo-fi girl instrumental study music, its soothing to him

-Aomine

yk he loves sexyy red 😭

“IM LOOKING FOR THE HOOOESS”

he just loves she don’t gaf

MONALEO LOVES THAT WOMAN DOWN

FLO MILLI

MEG, yk he tussles wit kagami

Cobra rock ver. ON REPEAT

HEAVY ON MR. JERMAINE COLE, cause yk he always talks about how he biracial, and aomine can relate with that

loves cardi so much, bongos 🤭

YK HE HAS TO LISTEN TO KPOP BOYS

yk he got all the bts boys solo shit on REPEAT

ATEEZ🗣️

(aomine my twin so yk🫶🏾)

-Akashi

ik it’s cannon for him to listen to classical but i don’t think he be actually LIKING THAT SHIT MAN

like i do think it’s brings him peace from a hard day and helps him to study but like to listen just to listen???

N O

HE LOVES HEAVY METAL

SLIPKNOT😫😫😫😫

Mibuchi got him on it

rock, alternative, 80s CITY POP

anything that reminds him of his mom

also anything that tries to reach his inner child since he never got the chance to be one

and kise and mura help him with that

AND HAYAMA

the veggietales and backyardagains soundtracks speaks to him he found out

also his dad also gave some of old music like bobby brown???? like okay mr masaomi

like ig you cool but you still suck as a daddy a person

so yk he LOVES WHITNEY HUSTON NOWADAYS

overall he needs to heal and is moving towards it

:)

[cillianate]

JUNE GLOOM

pairing— warren rojas x fem!reader

content warnings— drugs, alcohol, language, mentions of cheating and abuse, reader is a songwriter, slight hints towards reader being caucasian, band member reader, any spanish I use may not be accurate, as I don't speak it fluently, if you catch any mistakes let me know!

genre— just a small fluffy drabble!

word count— 566 words, 2976 characters.

"I sat down, made a list of all the things I care about," sounded your voice from somewhere in the house. Warren, who had just woken up from his nap on the couch, had figured it may have been from a record. But he'd burnt through every song in the house, and he'd never heard this before.

"Think I mentioned 'Scott Street' and Springsteen," nobody else besides his girlfriend, you, was in the house. As he started to walk towards your shared room, which he believed was the source of the noise, he started to realize that it was, in fact, your voice he'd been hearing.

"And I wrote your name twice," finally, he knocked on the door of your room. A quiet fumbling and then a small voice could be heard, "It's open," it said.

There you were, in all your glory, sitting on your well made bed covered in colorful quilts and pillows, with a guitar in your hands.

"Mi vida, don't stop on my account. Is it alright if I stay? Listen for a while?" He said.

"Sure, honey. I don't mind," you said as you stood up and grabbed his soft yet calloused hands and dragged him closer to the bed.

He flopped down next to you, the bed shaking with him. His feet reached the ground and he rested his palms behind his head as if to cushion himself.

"Keep playing, woman! You're amazing," he spoke with the biggest smile on his face, "I've only ever heard you singing backup vocals, but damn, darlin'! You should be our frontman!" You blushed and giggled a small bit at his endless compliments. He had always been the funny type, you even thought he was joking when he confessed his feelings for you a few months back.

So, with your white cotton tank-top and shorts, you continued to sing and strum on your wooden guitar.

"I hate it, nothings changed at all since we were seventeen,

You could never keep your money, or hands off me,

And I still want you like that,

But I can't make a lover out of you unless you ask me to."

Of course, this song was not about Warren. You'd written it a year or so ago about a man you had been seeing for a while, but inevitably broke things off with. Warren had quite literally been your saving grace. You two were twin flames, two sides of the same coin.

You'd known him since you were young children, and of course, you had written your fair share of songs about him. You'd only play those when he was out of the house, though. You weren't sure you wanted him to hear your entire sappiness yet.

He watched you in awe, his eyes sometimes drifting from your face to your soft, slightly tanned arms. How he loved when you'd wrap them around his torso at all times of the day. He didn't need to be high to genuinely enjoy your company like he did with most people nowadays.

He sat up, resting his chin on his hand while his elbow rested on his criss-crossed knee, looking like an attentive kindergartener.

And as you strummed the last chord of the song on your guitar, he leaned forward to kiss your lips and said, "Play me another one, mi corazón."

SONG—JUNE GLOOM. alix page

[kitsumidori]

I'm starting to feel like a broken record at this point, but then again the old one feels outdated and a lot of my opinions changed a bit drastically over the few months.

Some notes under the cut (mainly for B-F)

B rank: Characters I don't focus on but I still like them

Lor: Looking back, I remember thinking Lor was a pretty neat character, plus the side quest where you get him some coffee I admit was kinda funny (mainly his overenthusiastic reaction near the end, like that's my mom and sisters reaction to coffee and I'm the Moze in that quest)

Tyreen: Not a good antagonist but a pretty decent character with wasted potential because of 3 bad writing

Wilhelm and Nisha: I haven't played Pre-sequal with them so I don't really have a solid opinion on both. But from what I do know, I feel more sorry for both especially with what happened to them at the end.

Captain Scarlett: She's funnier than Jack and I'll call that an achievement

Nurse Nina: She's funny, but she's no Dr. Zed

C rank: While I don't hate them, I can like them within reasons

Rhys: kinda obvious as to why.......

Troy:..............ok, so before recently....I hated Troy......but that mainly a combination of 3 writing and the fandom constantly coding and woobifing him into a sad emo boy who did nothing wrong while demonizing Tyreen and taking all the bad stuff he did do and blamed Ava for it. Nowadays, I can kinda see the appeal of him (specifically by fan that don't baby him) but he's still my least favorite of the twins

D rank: just...meh...

Steele: she honestly deserves better....

Marcus: he has his moments, but that's it....

Katakawa jr: his fans (the rhackies that also ship rhysgawa specifically) kid of scare me, I blame gearbox

Scooter: he also has his moments, but the incestuous redneck stereotype is a major turn off....

F----: GO TO HELL!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!

Handsome Jack and Holo Jack: great villain, overall terrible character and extremely overrated

Fat Fuck Typhon: do I need to say it?!....

[strykingback]

Okay so now p/apitimefire177 has responded... well unsurprisingly on a vague post (Well I wouldnt say vague) about Doom and I. So I have to pull up again since they have made the choice to mention me. So, let's go band for band and see what you had to say.

First things first, you stated how Jaune is not Aryan, including providing the definition of it and how "those guys" bastardized it. Good, you know what it is. But nowadays the meaning of Aryan has sadly since been affiliated with White Supremacy and "Those Guys" Fair enough. Let's also not forget this isnt the ONLY thing they bastardized as well.

Once again, Doom was using this as either a joke to piss you off, since you know White Supremacists like to describe the perfect race as Blonde hair, Blue Eyes, white skin....?

Which once again they could have done a Joan of Arc allusion with Jaune, but decided to go with the Paladin/Knight allusion. Showing that they only used her as the inspiration for Jaune, in no means did they explore anything with the allusion at all.

Nothing from Joan of Arc's life being used to develop Jaune even further. Just making him into a DND Paladin, with his semblance being literally. "Lay On Hands" from surprise-surprise. Dungeons and Dragons. Nothing exciting about that...

No Semblance that could make Jaune see into the future and see Cinder amongst the flames alluding to Joan of Arc's death....

Or anything about him making an effort to learn how important a sacrifice is to bring about the swan song of victory. Y'know.... just like Joan of Arc?!

Or maybe making Jaune be a good strategist despite protests from his teammates... LIKE JOAN OF ARC!

Then papi goes off again on a ad hominem tangent, calling Doom illiterate and stating that they needed to do research and state how they throw tantrums.

No Papi, you are the one throwing tantrums. You are proving me and Doom right because what did you do right after Doom and I called you out. You went back to your regularly scheduled Jaune Simping and Cardin-Hate Posting. Plus as I said before, Doom may have used this as a means of making it an INSULT to the character as a whole.

You are being a belligerent fool, and you are proving Doom right. I'm even still surprised that you havent been banned off tumblr yet for harassment, using ableist slurs (despite your half-hearted apology), and so on forth.

Now you are indeed correct.. kind of about one thing. R/RWBYCritics isnt a valuable source. But I digress because I used it for ONE thing and that was to see how much screen time did Jaune get in RWBY as part of my research cause good lord I am not going to sit around and watch Volumes 1-9 having to time how much screentime he had. . Which from Volumes 1-6 He got and I repeat from that one post.

5,489 Hours of Screentime

Which when converted into an actual time it comes up to.

One hour thirty-one minutes and twenty-nine seconds

This is NOT counting Volumes 7-9 and I did NOT say that R/RWBYCritics was a Valuable source. If you actually paid attention to my other posts of me being critical about Jaune especially in the Twin-Revisions of why I think Jaune is a horrible Knight

One of the sources came from the Infographics Show. Where they gave a summarized talk about how Real Life Knights were not like the actual knights you would see in the Romanticized stories.

Even providing sources when one such historian talked with Spiegel Online about Sir John Arundel and his band of knights taking refuge in a convent violating the Nuns and stealing from them and throwing them overboard once they were all but used up.

Or how in that same video, quoted by Nigel Saul in his book Chivalry in Medieval England: "Knights only fought for three things. Land, Gold, and War Booty."

Since RWBY is a show that takes the romanticized takes of knights or stories from those romanticized stories. Such as Robin Hood, the Grimm Tales, etc. And apply them to RWBY.

Which once again, I only used R/RWBYCritics once for a source on Jaune's screentime and you falsely proclaim that I use it for all of my RWDE posts. Which I dont...

Now, let's also talk about this little thing I found where you made the statement about someone calling Jaune Fans Jaune-Turds. Which I do not know what the context was about, maybe an episode back then... but I am more surprised that you tunnel visioned to the insult instead of CHECKING THE FUCKING TAGS AND DATE.

Right off the bat. I see no mention of the RWDE tag there... and no mention of "Does this count as RWDE?" on there. This was a personal rant... and the date?

Here lemme put it in caps for you Papi.

"NOVEMBER 17th, 2018"

You are using a post from SIX YEARS ago as a means to "prove" that "Oh RWDE are all just meanies and what not." Gee its also not like you have been doing more wrong than us. Once again in my reply to your Stop The Hate 2.0 I simply put down at the START to not witchhunt you but to Block and Move On. Guess that didnt click in your head didnt it?! That was the only form of respect I was going to give you. Because I atleast have some form of morality to give you!

Lets not forget you got pissy from a post after this which was A JOKE. a fucking JOKE. Dude are you the DJ Akademiks of Jaune stans like getting all pissy over a JOKE?

I think we're done here. Pack it up. Cause listen Papi you called me out for not having valuable sources, well I provided while also once again cooking your ass in the Malevolent Kitchen. I dunno maybe at this point you are just way too easy to beat... plus the fact that it took you two months to say something about the call out, but either way. Have a good one, drink water, do some self-reflection and yeah Jaune still sucks.

Good Day.

[dyshonor]

who is young randal?

As some of you might have noticed, I'm taking liberties with the latest mission board prompt to RP Young Randal, Randal's 20 year old self, in TOA canon (for a bit)!

Due to the fact that he is a character with information scattered across Cipher canon, I wanted to take the time to accumulate some thoughts about him in an easy-to-access place, both to share my love for him and also to make him easier to RP with.

I hope that this is informative and fun to read! I love Young Randal (and of course Old Randal) so much!!!!

so who is this freak you keep yapping about?

Likely due to the fact that they wanted to match up with FE6/FE7, shortly after introducing Randal into Cipher Frontier, we were introduced to his 20 years younger self. A common bit in Cipher Frontier became that whenever Young Randal would show up, characters would mistake him as Randal's son!

In universe, the reason for Young Randal's appearance is his susceptibility to the Boundless Chaos, an energy that seems to enable the Cipher cast's world-hopping adventures. Randal is the only character we see in multiple ages!

Before becoming the mercenary that we see him as nowadays, Randal was a Lord in Lycia who came across his mansion via winning a game (implied to be chess).

After becoming a Lord, he amassed a decent army and seemed to conquer and pillage a decent amount, as evidenced by his cards. He scoffs at honor and his cards are titled things like Dishonorable Invincible Knight, Twin Blades of Evil, and Wicked Knight.

The pride of a knight… How I despise those words. Victory is all that matters.

He is also, plainly, an ass. While Old Randal likes buttering people up, buying them gifts and showering them with compliments, Young Randal is quick to let minor annoyances show.

While Older Randal is a carefree and generally good-mannered person who likes to have fun (even if he is a bit of a dastard who doesn't care awfully much for doing good), Young Randal is incredibly stringent. He does not leave things up to chance. He is smart, annoying, and likes to be on top of things.

One of the coolest contrasts between Old Randal and Young Randal is that while Old Randal's favorite choice of games seems to be card games and dice, AKA the usual sorts of gambling games, Young Randal likes games where as little chance is involved as possible. As mentioned before, Young Randal won his mansion via a game of chess! While it certainly was a risky bet to play a game for a mansion, it was one where only skill was a factor.

I think Young Randal is also interesting to see when informed by Old Randal's opinions on life, and vice versa. Namely: that Old Randal is a person who doesn't like trouble, and despite turning his nose at helping others, still feels bad when other people get hurt.

Despite being someone that Young Randal seems like he'd hate, Young Randal is actually quite insistent on the fact that he is the very same Randal that we meet in Cipher.

Conversely, Old Randal is someone who seems to hide that Young Randal is someone he ever was:

Even though Old Randal is someone who is extremely chill about himself and oftentimes makes somewhat demeaning jokes, he'd clearly much rather pretend his younger self doesn't exist until he can't help it. In fact, when he is finally faced with his younger self, he has only bad things to say:

(The 'nice if we met again someday' note being to the other Cipher characters, not Young Randal.)

In summary:

Young Randal was a Lord who won his way into power via a chess match.

He is an ass.

Young Randal is an incredibly calculating person who cares incredibly about his appearances.

He's quite good at manipulating and deceiving people, and sees other people as pawns to be used.

Despite this, he's also somewhat insecure, and gets easily flustered when people don't take him as seriously as he'd like to be seen.

Even though, logically, Old Randal is the sort of person that is his greatest nightmare to become, he seems to hold some sort of respect for Old Randal.

At some point, due to unknown reasons, Young Randal lost his mansion and became a mercenary.

Okay now slight headcanon time:

I believe that Young Randal was someone who wanted to be respected (perhaps even loved.. flushed emoji...) but did not know how to achieve this outside of yearning for power. Once he finally acquired it, he found himself in an awkward position where he didn't actually know how to be a Lord, as whatever his background before being a Lord was, I doubt it was one of fame or fortune.

He became a real 'fake it till you make it' sort of person, holding an obsessive control over other people and his station to ensure he didn't lose it. I think due to being unfamiliar with the life of a Lord, he was incredibly paranoid and didn't have many friends.

In Cipher Frontier, he fights tooth and nail to try and harness the powers of Boundless Chaos to see the Cipher cast one last time before peaceing out.

I think he wants friends... but as a Lord in a hostile environment (and because he is an ass) he does not have a way of acquiring them easily.

I like to think he lost his mansion and status due to falling prey to the Boundless Chaos, which shoveled him into some unknown world and land without everything he had fought for.

So those are some (brief) thoughts on Young Randal! I honestly have more and I really really like the contrast between Old and Young Randal but I'll keep those in my pocket for now so as to not be too overwhelming...

I hope that you might consider RPing with him during this month while we have the chance to :] While I've only been here again for a brief time and thus most characters have not met even Old Randal yet, I think meeting him as Young Randal can create some interesting problems for Old Randal when he comes about.

Okay I'll stop yapping now! Have a lovely day!!!!

[sleepnowmychild]

Nightmares - as a Hypnos devotee.

I’ve had a lifelong history of sleep issues. When I was born, I slept through the first night perfectly. Then never again. I’d wake up as a baby several times a night and the only way to calm me was it put me in the car and drive around, because the motion somehow managed to lull me. I had full body thrashing night terrors as a toddler, I’d have to be woken up to stop them from happening. I had sleep paralysis for a while around that time too, and I slept walked a few times as an older kid. By the time I was around 10 I’d stopped with the terrors, paralysis and walking. But I still had nightmares, reoccurring ones. The same two subjects. Killed with a sharp object like an axe or knife, or a zombie like apocalypse situation. Both of them would come and go every few months for years, and I never really understood why it was those two subjects all the time. Death is a common fear for young kids who are starting to understand the world around them sure, I can understand that at least. But the zombie ones? Note that sometimes it wasn’t explicitly zombies but creatures like them. Mindless, brainless beings who only had the drive to devour me alive. Once it was the titans from attack on titan in place of the zombies, once it was regular people being mind controlled.

The commonality was the fear of being hunted down. An inevitable doom, a running and hiding but ultimately being found. I haven’t had those particular nightmares in a while, but whenever I do have a nightmare nowadays, it always seem to be a situation where I’m being hunted down.

Clearly, there’s something Hypnos and my own subconscious wants me to address here. Although I’m not sure what. The inevitable doom of being hunted down seems to be the commonality here, but I just can’t figure out why.

I don’t hate Hypnos for sending me these nightmares, because I know it’s just him trying to get me to overcome something. My own subconscious trying to break some deep hidden issue to the surface, so he’s picking my mind apart to get me to face it. But I’m lost on what the root of it all is. I’m not scared of death, so it’s not the fear of the inevitability of dying. I know I’ll die, we’ll all die. That there’s no avoiding it. But I’ve not done anything worth punishment in my life and I trust Thanatos as the twin of my patron Hypnos to care for my soul when my time comes.

I simply can’t pin point the cause of the problem. I know it has something to do with the fear of inevitability, the feeling of being perused, the looking over your shoulder only to see the monster catching up to you. Knowing there’s no escaping no matter how hard you try. But what in my life has caused such anguish? What does Hypnos know that I don’t? What’s he trying to have me address and face?

That’s the frustrating part of the nightmares. Not the fear, the waking up in the middle of the night, not the fact Hypnos is sending them to me. The fact I don’t know what the root cause is. It’s something I clearly have to work on, keep digging into. A lot of bullshit has happened in my life, finding the exact bullshit that gives me that fear of being hunted is like finding a needle in a haystack here. But all I can do it’s keep trying to find it, and trust that Hypnos knows what he’s doing.

[lunadreamscaper]

VT/P.I.E. Headcanon list!!

This is all my personal takes and opinions, I guess also are canon in my “au”/spin off.

If there’s any you like from this you can take inspiration or adopt any of these if you like them I will not mind <3

But if you don’t like some of these (which is fine bc you don’t have to), please be kind, especially since some of these are based off/inspired by personal experiences as well as some of my Headmates experiences (that I got permission to use as headcanons 🙏🏻) I just hope people won’t find some of these upsetting? I don’t think they are upsetting but sometimes difference of opinions can be distressing so I understand 🫂

Anyways here goes:

Toast and Ghost have a queer platonic relationship (this one might be a hot take but also we need more rep like this Imo 🙏🏻)

The Level 25 demon from Spooker’s debut video is the one that turned Ghost into the Puppet. (And was probably the one who put those FNAF ghosts in Swift Taylor’s house lol)

Another lvl 25 demon one: I like to think it pulled “a Bipper” (Gravity Falls reference yes) and used Spooker’s body, that’s why you see Spooker as a “ghost” but then later on was normal/living again. Also why we see Spooker in the dimension where Housekeeper is trapped and later towards the end of the Puppet arc in the crypt where Ghost sees him. (Also watch the Haunted by Pennywise video 😭) I don’t think the demon lives in Spooker’s body like how people think demon!Jimmy does though.

Speaking of Jimmy, he’s a very traumatized alter (I’m a system in case anyone is concerned by that 😭🙏🏻 )

Ghost has some supernatural abilities? And is sensitive to dimensional shifts that happen (which happens a lot considering how unstable their world is) as well as understanding lower level paranormal entities, and sometimes visions of specific events (reference to Spooker’s debut video and “Johnny Ghost meets Freddy the dinosaur” video) and a few others that Jimmy also takes advantage of. Also dreams. He gets weird dreams sometimes.

Gavin Toast speaks in an American Accent sometimes, originally to separate himself from his twin.

I’ve already mentioned Ghost being intersex and demisexual I think but still adding it.

Dark Pit’s disappearance after joining P.I.E. In its early days has something to with Darth Calculus…

Ghost had a fear of umbrellas as a kid.

The Lvl 25 Demon and Stardust Sprinkleshine are a divorced couple/hsrs

Toast paid Josh to keep an eye on Ghost during his retirement arc (reference to my comic Heart Attack xD)

Timothy Casket and Chakalata Soup may have been business partners… before ending in disagreement.

Gavin maybe an Acalacam experiment that was only found out later by Darth Calculus (Gavin and Johnny T.’s father never learning that it actually sort of worked.)

Toast’s mother hates Ghost, except nowadays tries to hire people to kill him so he stops spending time with her son but ofc he keeps coming back like a damn revenant lmao

Spooker and Colon are boyfriends (sorry this is a ship but like they literally kissed in the 5 yr anniversary stream and I dreamt about it so I have to acknowledge it)

Spooker did used to have a crush on boyfailure Johnny Ghost though

The reason the VT world is so scuffed and has so many dimensions is bc they all live in the shattered remnants of a broken world.

My fan comic Supernatural Crossover, and Sherlock crossover on wattpad are technically canon to my spin off (except for the Gravity Falls one that one is retconned but fun fact Timothy Casket is in that one and I’m reusing the ideas from it for other things)

Timothy Casket totally wasn’t a serial killer and also totally didn’t get his kid(s) involved traumatizing them and changing the course of their lives forever.

Ghost has a twin brother but that’s mostly for Strive SMP shenanigans

Cardboard Friend is made up of many souls of children that possessed a cardboard toy creation made by Gregory…

There’s a cult out there somewhere with significant importance.

Johnny Ghost also has lead poisoning and some other issues bc of the old mansion’s condition (the one from the first Cardboard Friend video)

Johnny Ghost is also really pale because Cardboard Friend ate off his life force and sanity but got away probably in the Nick of time probably bc of some permanent effects?? (probably why that video made no fucking sense bc it was from Ghost/Gregory’s perspective)

It’s actually really traumatizing to separate twins from each other while they’re young. So if you take into consideration that Johnny Toast and Gavin were probably not allowed to interact and Ghost being separated from his twin too, that makes Ghost and Toast two twinless twins that trauma bonded to each other which is probably why they have a lot of separation issues.

Colon is a witchcraft practitioner (reference to “Moving didn’t go as Johnny planned” video)

I also used to believe Colon is a retired undercover cop or detective but also like ACAB and I barely remember why I came up with that so idk if I’ll keep it but I definitely need more Colon headcanons

Josh is also hired to babysit Woah for Spooker and Colon from time to time :3

Josh also makes really good pumpkin pie (since she was a pumpkin farmer) Ghost also really likes this pie.

Also Spooker is trans and pan while Colon is gay (these ones are special bc it was from a dream)

I’ll also add the universally accepted hc that Toast is bisexual (and demiromantic??)

Josh is also bi and polyamorous (maybe a demi girl but not sure yet)

Ghost is on the Spectrum, (most of pie probably is but the one I’m confident on is Ghost at least)

Sometimes paranormal entities can sort of fuse and/or mesh together to sometimes become stronger (but can separate… sometimes) *cough cough the paranormal tornado cough cough and CBF cough cough*

And lastly Ghost is 5’4, Toast is 6’6, Spooker is 5’7, and Colon is 6’1 (Gavin is the same height as J. Toast and Josh is either 5’3 or 5’5 I haven’t decided yet 😭)

Okay I’m gonna stop there for now but if I remember anything that’s important to me I’ll add them in like a reblog to this post.

Sorry it’s so long! Also had to keep some of these vague to avoid… spoilers ig?

If you’re curious about any of these tho feel free to ask and I can talk more about ‘em!! :3 <3

Maybe I’ll share some more Acachalla related headcanons but not today

[itstokkii]

I’ve seen your forbidden trio art and I really love it but I don’t think I’ve seen you represent Japan and South Korea alone? (I might be wrong)

How would you personally depict their modern day relationship? I think I’ve only seen people go two routes. Either “everything is fine and they love each other and they don’t mention the atrocities at all” or “they can’t be in the same room without Korea trying to kill him”

finally...assorted korpan hcs

here's the thing. a lot of chinese culture was spread to japan in mainly 2 ways, and this was through korea or ryukyu(okinawa). whenever korean envoys went to japan and came back, they'd always criticize and nitpick everything japan did wrong. your "emperor" is a king, not the emperor! that's reserved only for the son of heaven in the chinese court! how could you write the date wrong, it's not in order!

korchupan relations across the centuries are basically like you and a senior girl in highschool bullying a girl that's a year younger than you two, and then suddenly the one being bullied traps and tortures you in a basement during half of university while stalking the senior girl, and now you're in the workplace and you have to work with her now as colleagues while the senior girl is now the enemy

a lot of koreans absolutely despise the japanese govt, but most of the time the general attitude is "today's people aren't the govt, criticize the system of ignorance rather than the people themselves." if they do see a japanese person online denying warcrimes or something, though, koreans are quick to respond, since they still don't let that kind of apologia fly, and correct the person.

korea's the older one, she and her older twin brother reported the discovery of japan to china, and immediately became the middleman of "hey lil bro do you have a moment to talk about confucianism?" to this day she sort of teases him for being the younger one.

in a similar vein to amekor, things are relatively positive between japan and korea now, but she still holds him at arms length. japan enjoys kpop, and korea enjoys anime. yoasobi actually performed IDOL on M countdown(basically where kpop idols perform as fans vote for the top 10). yoasobi isn't a kpop idol, so her appearance was a surprise, and many koreans viewed it positively.

oshi no ko did quite well in korea, and walking around stores at least 1 gacha machine has oshi no ko merch.

anime fans like combining the kpop concept of photocards and like decorating merch cards of anime characters too.

there will be moments where jp spots korea at an anime event, both in cosplay. they're like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" and meanwhile korea spots jp at a twice concert and same thing happens.

japan also secretly enjoys kdramas lol

in the Olympics, when korea is against japan, many koreans keep yelling "get 10 points get 10 points" and then to japan "get 9 points get 9 points," so in that sense korea's quite competitive especially against japan.

korea also destroys him at league overwatch and valorant lol

in amekorpan meetings, both korea and japan actually share a similar disdain towards america, as he's the naive one that simply wants them to get along without much hassle. he's never been on the receiving end of embarrassment or defeat, so he wouldn't understand having to work with someone who's frequently expressed desires to invade for centuries. korpan also feels a shared sentiment of "he's the youngest in the room, why is he telling us what to do?" and if they both ever get a moment of privacy, they'll shittalk him lol

I feel like korpan only really gets along through a common enemy tbh. sometimes they'll talk abt how china was centuries ago, as the "older sibling" that insisted he knew better. and nowadays, they both shittalk him because "gaah communism our capitalist asses can't stand him!!"

however, sometimes they'll argue over who china liked more...lol

in short, korpan hates constantly being a sort of pingpong ball for america and china.

they come early to an amekorpan meeting to fight in the parking lot. hong kong and taiwan livestream these and split the superchat donations. after a few times japan and korea even learn to bring a change of clothes so they can show up to the meeting slightly early without bloodstains on their jackets. america never suspects a thing

when one of them dozes off or close their eyes during breaks, the other will get a cold can of coffee from the vending machine and place it on their forehead or neck. "no slacking"

she'll rarely invite him to her house alone without others. even though they have a lot of cultural exchange in the modern day, she doesn't consider him a friend, and no amount of online cafe gaming and street food sampling will change that. japan's more like a reluctant ally since america insists the both of them "get along!"