#like thanks for making me self conscious about living my life how i need to

[majeoeje]

hi, so I find comfort/solace in your Tanjiro fics, specifically the kimono one, so thank you. It really helped me in a way. Like I was really sad and your fic helped me. Thank you once more.

If it’s not too much to ask, can you do something similar with a request I have in mind? Where they’re married and he’s having one of those “im falling for my wife.” or “she’s so pretty.” moments while she’s sleeping? Absentmindedly touching her hair and caressing her cheek? Basically some cute morning fluff, tooth rotting morning fluff. If it’s too much to ask, it’s alright. I understand. But truly thank you. 💗

EEEEK THIS IS SO CUTE.

Next To You

Tanjiro x fem reader

Nothing would make me happier

Synopsis: Morning cuddles, that’s it

Ever since Muzan had been defeated, everything had gone right for Tanjiro. Nezuko had turned back into a human, his friends lived together with him, they don’t have to work day and night for money, they have plenty of food on the table and a bountiful of happiness.

Deep down inside, Tanjiro had a growing pit of fear that everything that he had worked tirelessly upon would be taken away from him. In truth it wouldn’t be the first time for him. He was scared that one day his luck would run out and that familliar anguish would rain a snowstorm of despair back to his conscious. Everyday, no matter how mundane, he would be accompanied with these thoughts.

And it was the worst by the time Tanjiro asked your hand in marriage. He was fully convinced that it was truly the day that his luck would run out. It wasn’t out of his self inferiority, it was more in a way that he can’t imagine his dreams of being happy with you could actually come true.. he had everything already, even you as a precious companion. Is it right to be greedy? To want more?

But despite all his inner self quarrels he still asked you to marry him. Despite every standing obstacle, his love for you had overshadow all.

Though when he first uttered his proposal, he already felt guilty. Because when he did so you started crying. All sorts of thoughts ran through his mind seeing your tears spilling down your cheeks. Oh gods! Did he say something wrong?! What did he do?? Did you hated him so?..

As Tanjiro’s mind continues to run in circles, you managed to let out a few words.

“Nothing would make me happier” you stuttered all the way through your sentence, as you wiped away your tears.

What?

What did you say?

Despite his ruptured eardrums he still managed to hear you loud and clear. But he was still scared to make himself believe that happiness.

“Tanjiro??” You called out to him, he had been silent for a minute

“You..want to marry me?..” he was hesitant in letting himself hope

“Yes”. You stated, loud and clear for him to hear.

He couldn’t believe it. Was this real? He wasn’t still stuck in that train now was he?

“You do?!”he shouted.

“Yes!!” You shouted back.

The next thing you knew he was crying. He kneeled in front of you with tearful eyes and didn’t stop spouting about how he will make you happy and how he’ll love you forever. He sobbed as he hugged your waist tightly. Probably the tightest he had ever held you before. Only in that moment, the thoughts in his heart stopped tormenting him.

He still thinks of that day often. Especially when he is cuddled up beside you underneath your futon. You didn’t need to share a futon but you may or may not had lied about being really cold in the morning.

It was already noon, but he didn’t have the heart to wake you up. You deserve days where you can rest and sleep to your heart’s content. You worked hard for this peaceful life as much as he did afterall. Well he can’t argue wanting to admire you to his heart content wasn’t a part of his reason.

Back then he never thought he would be the lucky man to marry you. Now here he was building a life with you.

“My wife..” he said, smiling to himself as his heart swelled with glee. “Sometimes i just can’t believe it”

Tanjiro fell for you because of how strong you were. It was an undeniable admiration. Everyone could practically see how smitten he was everytime they saw the way he looked at you while you train. His eyes were glued to you like nothing else had matter. Your stance was firm, like nothing could bring you down. The way you strike was nothing short of a master’s work, like you could cut down any obstacle in your way. To him, you were outstanding. And he could not afford to pry his eyes off of you everytime he gets a chance to see you in action.

But that was what he thought then. Now, you don’t have an obligation to lift up a katana. You could just live your life and take a rest as much as you like. During these peaceful days was when Tanjiro saw another side to you. Something more gentle.

For example your sleeping form right now. Back then you would be the one who was waking him up for morning training. Now you could just sleep away your exhaustion from your previous nightly escapades.

He moved aside strands of hair that was covering your face. But his hand couldn’t help but linger for far too long.

“Beautiful” you are breathaking.

Tanjiro rest his head on his elbow to take a better look at you. Your relaxed expression was far different than your usual harden gaze accompanied with the faint sound of your breath that sounded melodic, serving as a reminder that you were still here. He never thought you could look so..precious.

“You’re not going anywhere, right?” He whispers, muttered underneath his breath.

He’s scared. Perhaps he’ll always be because family what happened to his family. But you’re still here right?

Tanjiro didn’t anticipate you to scooch in closer to embrace him in your sleep. The way you held him by his waist calmed his overflowing thoughts. He was glad he could have this life. He was glad he could live to be with you.

You’re still here

And other than that, in this proximity what else could you expect other than loads of kisses?

By the time you woke up, he probably already placed a kiss in every part of your face.

(A/N:sorry for the long wait anonym, i just figured out how to open my inbox lmao)

[gregmarriage]

the whole thing of “oh, you use mobility aids?’” “oh, you use *insert thing that makes my life easier*?” said in the kinda tone where it’s kinda obvious they’re looking down on you for it. literally go fuck yourself <3

[scarletemeterio]

Hello! Can I ask for ekko with an reader who confessed to him thrice (and thrice rejected) and then he finally falls hard for them? With a happy ending, thank you!

(kind of like she fell first he fell harder trope)

Let Me Love You (Ekko x Reader)

Warnings: some cursing Genre: angst, hurt/comfort Word count: 2.3k Reader has no set pronouns!

The first time was the hardest of them all. You’d muster up the courage to confess your feelings for him, knowing very well that it could go south.

“I have something to tell you,” you uttered. He gave you a worried look, noticing that there was a hint of desperation in your voice. You were in his so-called office, working on something that didn’t really matter anymore.

“Is everything okay?” He simply asked.

“I’m not sure,” you began, “but I really need to say this.” He gave you his full attention, making you feel a bit intimidated by him and extremely self-conscious. “I’m in love with you,” you blurted out.

Silence quickly filled the room, and the tension could easily be cut by a knife. The moment you saw his face, you knew it: he didn’t feel the same way.

“I, uh, I don’t know what to say,” he mumbled more to himself than to you.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make things awkward at all. You can just forget I said anything.”

“I really don’t want to hurt you but I just don’t feel the same way.” You were trying to hold back your tears as his words left his mouth. “You’re an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to be with you, but that person isn’t me.”

You simply looked at him and slowly nodded. “It’s okay, you can’t force yourself to feel something you don’t.” It was hard to speak at this point. He knew you were hurt, but you’d never show it; it would just make things harder for the both of you. “Is this gonna change things between us?”

“I would hate that, honestly.” You nodded again, finally being on the same page about something. He came closer and put a reassuring hand on your shoulder to try and alleviate the tension. If only it were that easy.

•••

Some time passed and you still tried to hide your feelings for him. For a while, it worked, you’d suppressed them every time you spent time with the boy but deep down, you missed the way you were before. It had always been hard for you to open up to people, but you’d never been this miserable before. You were just a shadow of your usual self, and it was evident to everyone in the base.

Ekko himself tried to talk to you about it, clearly oblivious to the fact that he was the reason for your attitude. Finally, after a particularly hard day for you, you just lost it.

“You wanna know what’s wrong with me, Ekko? It’s you!” You truly didn’t mean to scream at him but you also couldn’t help it. Lately, you lived on edge, always frustrated about something; it was like you were a bomb simply waiting to explode. “I swear I tried to play dumb, to ignore everything but I just can’t.”

“Is this about-?”

“Yes, Ekko, of course it is.” You interrupted him. “I know you went on with your life and pretended I never said anything so we could go back to the way things were, but it’s not that easy for me. Nothing about this has been easy.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Bullshit,” you spat. “You know exactly how I feel about you. We’ve known each other for years, you can’t tell me you never realized why I’ve been acting so strange.”

There was a pause between you. You were agitated, heart beating so fast that you could feel it in your throat. “I guess I wanted to pretend nothing ever happened,” he confessed after some time. “Acknowledging it made it real and I just- I just want my friend back, without any messiness and complications between us.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ekko. I’m sorry my feelings are such an inconvenience to you. Trust me, I wish I could change them and forget about you for good but I just can’t.”

Something twitched inside of him when you said that and he looked at you with hurt eyes. “You really mean that? That you’d like to forget me?”

“I meant forgetting about my feelings for you, ‘cause you’re not making things easy for me,” you explained. “When you come over and put your arm around me or stand so close to me that I can feel you breathing it kills me, Ekko. And the worst part is that you know it.” You took a deep breath, anger slowly leaving you, feeling nothing but sadness. “Sometimes I feel like you enjoy testing me like that because you know that no matter what I’ll always come back to you. But I’m tired of this dance between us, it’s too much.”

“I just don’t know how to feel! This is hard for me too!” Neither of you cared if someone heard you at this point, you’d simply have to put up with the weird looks from everyone. “I don’t know what you want me to do and I’m confused.”

“Honestly,” you began, “I want you to give me some space.”

“Wait, I- uh, I don’t want that, please,” he took a step closer to you, trying to grab ahold of your hand but you avoided his touch, as you avoided his sad eyes.

“Do you have feelings for me, Ekko?”

“I said I’m confused.”

“It’s a simple question, do you?”

You finally looked at him and he realized that you were crying. He could count with one hand the number of times he’d seen you cry, and he never thought he’d be the reason why. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered.

“Then I don’t have anything else to say. I don’t want to wait for you to figure out how you feel and keep getting hurt in the process, I don’t think I deserve it.”

“Wait, please-.”

“Ekko,” you cut him, “I need some space, don’t make this even harder, please.” And with that, you left, leaving him even more confused than before, and with a pain in his chest he couldn’t really explain.

You should’ve known this was coming. Still, it hurt like the first time. You couldn’t blame him; if anything, you were glad he was honest with you. But after today, you realized that you needed to keep some distance from him, or this would end up destroying you for good.

•••

Days quickly turned into weeks, and you realized you hadn’t said a word to the Firelight’s leader in almost a month. Your heart still flipped inside whenever you inevitably ran into him or locked eyes with him within the first few days since the fight, and soon you started avoiding him all along.

In no time, the boy started feeling an emptiness inside him, something he couldn’t explain. He was truthful with you in that last conversation, he truly wasn’t sure how he felt, but with every passing day that you were nowhere to be seen, he realized that maybe he’d been a complete fool.

He missed you, there was no denying that. Now the question was if his feelings for you were simply platonic or if deep down he yearned for you, maybe even more than you for him. Ekko wasn’t the best with his emotions, not because he actively repressed them, but because all of this was extremely new to him, and he just felt so overwhelmed. However, there was one thing he was extremely sure of: he wanted you in his life.

It had been days since he last saw you, evident now that you’d been avoiding him for a while, so when he finally caught a glimpse of you around the base, it was like seeing an angel. Soon, his pleasant feelings were replaced by envy. You were talking with one of the new members from the Firelights, nothing out of the ordinary, but there was nothing he wanted more than to be the one you had your attention on. He didn��t recognize himself, filled with jealousy and bitterness.

The boy was pulled out of his thoughts when someone asked him a question, engaging in conversation with him, but that strange sensation still clung to him like glue. He hated himself and blamed his stupid ass for being such an idiot, these were merely the consequences of his own actions.

When he was lying in bed that night trying to fall asleep, you were the only thing on his mind. Your smile that shined like the stars, your lips that he so wanted to feel against his own while your arms wrapped around his body. He wanted to bang his head against the wall, he was such an idiot. If only he’d realized this before then maybe now you wouldn’t hate him. It all seemed so obvious to him now. You were there for him, by his side from the very beginning. He could always count on and lean on you, he trusted you even more than he trusted himself. Oftentimes he’d become mesmerized by how pretty you looked when you spent time together, the sun hitting your face in just the perfect way or your hair effortlessly framing your face in such a flawless way. Of course, he thought nothing of all this at the time, brushing it off as objective thinking. But now, it suddenly hit him, everything was different now because he wasn’t unsure anymore, he knew exactly how he felt about you. He loved you.

He sat on his bed, passing his hands through his face in an attempt to clear his mind. He wanted- no, needed to talk to you. Maybe you didn’t even feel the same way anymore, but he had to get it off his chest, he had to at least try. But right now, he also had to calm his nerves because if he didn’t, he’d go and knock on your door this very moment, and he was certain you didn’t wanna see him at all. So instead, he got up and went to take a walk, thinking it would be nice to sit by the tree to help him organize his thoughts. What he wasn’t expecting was seeing you there.

As soon as you saw his figure making its way to you, you got up, ready to leave but were interrupted by his voice. “Wait, please, don’t go.” You knew you should pay him no attention and leave anyway, but it had been so long since you’d last heard his voice that you were taken aback for a moment, standing in place. “Can we talk?” His voice was soft, nothing compared to what it was in your last conversation together; you could even hear a hint of desperation, which was what ultimately made you turn around and stay.

“What do you want, Ekko?” As soon as he heard you he let out a small smile, confirming that yours was the voice he wanted to hear every day when he woke up and every night before going to sleep.

He motioned for you to sit down again, doing the same right after you. “I’m sorry for everything,” he began saying, “I never meant for things to end up like this between us.” His chest accompanied his breathing, moving just a little too fast, earning him a concerned look from you. “I know that you probably hate me now, I know I would if I were you, and you’ll probably hate me even more after what I have to say since I acted like a complete idiot and took so long to figure out something that was right in front of me this whole time but I- uh, I do have feelings for you. Lots of feelings actually, I’m in love with you.”

You snapped your neck to look at him, trying to read his expression in search of a playful tone, but it wasn’t there. He was serious, he was finally saying what you wanted to hear for so long now. So long that you couldn’t fully believe him.

“Ekko, I don’t want any games, please.”

“I’m being serious. These weeks without you have been absolute torture, I can’t do this without you, I need you.” He rubbed his face, stopping at the bridge of his nose to pinch it. When he looked back at you, he had tears forming in his eyes, a sight you hadn’t seen in a very long time. “I’m being honest. I’m so sorry it took me so long to finally realize it. I made it my personal vow to always protect you and keep you safe and I’m the one that caused you pain and for that, I’m so sorry.”

You didn’t really know what to say, nothing seemed good enough. Your mind was racing and quickly you were lost in your thoughts and were brought back to reality by the sound of Ekko getting up, ready to leave. “These last weeks have been hell for me, too.” Your eyes met his and you stoop up, getting closer to him. “I don’t hate you, Ekko. I could never hate you.”

“But you don’t love me anymore?”

“I didn’t say that, I’m just a bit taken aback that’s all.” He got closer to you, trying to grab your hand and this time, you let him do it. He brought it to his face and planted a kiss on it, never breaking eye contact with you.

“I’m so in love with you that just thinking about spending a second away from you makes me suffer. I don’t want to feel that way anymore, I want to be with you, share my life with you, and love you every day.” One of his hands went to cup your face and you leaned against it. “Please let me love you.”

You looked at his lips and then back at his eyes, and in just a second the air was knocked out of your lungs when you felt his lips against yours. The kiss was sweet but desperate and filled with emotions. “Please let me love you, too,” you said when you separated.

“Nothing would make me happier.”

hey! i loved this request, i'm a sucker for angst :)

i changed it just a little bit but i still hope you like it anon, thanks for requesting! really enjoyed writing this one and i LOVE writing for ekko

[thesparkling-diamond27]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could submit a Fiyero x female!reader request where reader is having an “off” day cause miss girl forgot to do her laundry and has no clean uniforms to wear for uni (rip☠️ but also real lol). So she has no choice but to wear her comfy, casual clothes the whole day and while reader’s lowkey self-conscious about it, Fiyero is just staring at her, complimenting while slyly flirting nonstop, but also trying to reassure her of how naturally beautiful she is even without needing to dress up🥰 Thank you love!!🩷

Something Bad or Maybe Something Good

Fiyero Tigelaar x Reader

A/n: This is my first request so I hope I expanded your idea to your liking. I was already writing another Fiyero one shot that was based off of a song from Wicked so I figured I would kind of stay on theme with another song from wicked because my other one shot is called dancing through life. I hope you like it!

Something bad is happening in Oz! Something terrible. I never thought this day would come, but it’s finally happened. It’s the day I have no clean clothes to wear!

Back at home I’m so used to having my clothes washed and folded by one of my maids, but ever since arriving at Shiz I’ve been having to do my own laundry myself and I never knew how much work it could be until now.

For me it takes up the whole day with the amount of clothes that I have, so I designated Sundays to be my laundry day. However, yesterday my friend won two tickets to see Wizomania in Emerald City and how could I say no! It’s Wizomania!

My friend and I spent the whole day in Emerald City and we had the best time of our lives. However, by the time we got back to our dorms it was late and I still had to finish last minute homework. I realized that I didn’t do my laundry, but I figured I would have at last one clean outfit left to wear for tomorrow.

Now it’s tomorrow and I don’t have a single outfit to wear! I wanted to cry and crumble to the floor, but I kept myself together. I just have to wear my other clothes I thought.

I opened a nearby luggage, filled with clothes I wore just in case I was doing something that involved filth or if I was simply lazy (but I usually only wore these clothes at home in the Upper Uplands where only my family and housekeepers can see me).

No one in Shiz had ever seen me in an outfit as plain as this and it makes me feel extremely self-conscious. I am known in school for always having my outfits put together and dressing over the top all day every day. I take fashion really seriously and it’s the only way I like to present myself.

The thought of walking through the halls of Shiz in this drab outfit makes me want to not go to school altogether. But I can’t do that. I have a reputation to uphold as a student for my professors and for the rest of the students at Shiz.

I pulled out a grey t-shirt and blue sweatpants that said Shiz on the pant’s leg in white writing. I can’t even remember the last time I wore sweatpants, but at least I would have school spirit. I found a plain navy blue sweater that could elevate my outfit a little bit, but not by much. At least my outfit will match my mood today, because I am not happy with these circumstances. Something bad is definitely happening in Oz.

I quickly did my makeup for the day. I didn’t apply a full face of makeup like I usually do, because I’m simply not in the mood for it today. I only applied lipgloss, and mascara, so I hope no one notices, but who am I kidding they probably will. Or maybe they’ll be too focused on my atrocious clothes instead of my makeup. I wanted to cry again, but I held it in. I couldn’t ruin the little makeup I currently had on.

I checked the time and realized I only had five minutes before Dr. Dilamond’s class started. Now I had no time to style my hair! I quickly pulled my hair into a messy bun with a nearby claw clip and I scrambled around my room for my books before running out of my room. I was not having a good start to my day.

I turned the corner at the end of the hallway, almost at Dr. Dilamond’s classroom, when I bumped into a body. I fell backwards and my books and papers fell out my hands and onto the ground.

“I am so sorry! I didn’t see you there.”

I looked up and was met with Fiyero Tigelaar the school’s heartthrob. Great, I look like this in front of the school’s most sought out bachelor. I hope he doesn’t think any differently of me now that I look like this.

I always thought he was good looking, but I never thought he would go for someone like me. I’m not saying I’m ugly, or anything but I don’t think I’m the type of girl he would want.

“It’s okay I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I said.

I began to collect my books from the floor when I saw a set of hands begin to help me. Fiyero crouched down to the ground and began to collect my scattered papers. I stared at him until he picked up the last paper and handed the stack back to me.

“Thank you.” I said quietly.

“Of course, anything for you beautiful.”Fiyero said with a wink as he stood up. I didn’t say anything back. I was still shocked that Fiyero was actually talking to me and I felt a little embarrassed that he is seeing me dressed like this. In such a contrast to how I usually am.

Usually I am in a perky mood and I always have a smile on my face, but today I was the exact opposite. No happy mood. No smile.

Fiyero extended his hand for me to grab, so he can pull me up. I took it hesitantly and let him guide me, but I think he might have underestimated his strength because as soon as I was on my feet I collapsed into his chest.

Our faces were inches apart. Our noses almost touching. And for a split second I forgot everything and everyone around us. It was as if I was under his spell. I was close enough to look into his deep blue eyes and see flickers of aquamarine and even emerald green. Something I wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t so close.

He then gave me his iconic charming smile before saying.

“Well this is cozy.” Maybe he didn’t underestimate his strength after all.

His words lifted me from his spell and I noticed that since he was so close to my face he had a front row seat to my makeup less face. I backed away from him, but I couldn’t go far because his hand was still grasping on to mine as if he didn’t want me to go.

This is when he finally took a good look at my appearance. Me in a t-shirt paired with Shiz sweatpants and a messy bun. I waited for him to say something about my attire, but instead he gently stroked the side of my hand with his thumb.

I looked up at him and he didn’t say anything, but his eyes did. I looked into his eyes and it seemed like he was consoling me. As if he was telling me it’s okay to dress comfy every one in a while. Your clothes won’t change how I think about you. How I see you.

He stroked my hand for a few more moments before he pulled it away and cleared his throat. “Let’s go to class sweetheart.”

Fiyero walked down the hallway and I would have stood there frozen analyzing the whole interaction if he didn’t turn around and say.

“Are you coming?”

I nodded and quickly followed him to Dr. Dilamond’s class. The walk was silent, but it wasn’t awkward. Occasionally I would catch Fiyero sneak glances at me, but it was probably because he was staring at my clothes that were quite different compared to my usual school atire. We approached the classroom door and Fiyero let me enter first.

“Ladies first.” He said gallantly.

I gave him a small grateful smile before I braced myself to enter the classroom. I immediately felt everyone’s eyes on me the minute I walked in and it was not the way I wanted them too. Everyone had shocked expressions on their face and would occasionally whisper to their neighbor about what they were seeing.

I wanted to run out of the classroom, but I felt a hand ground me as it found the small of my back. I felt a hand on my shoulder and then Fiyero whispered.

“Don’t let their remarks change who you are. Your clothes are just clothes. They’re expendable, but you are special darling. You look beautiful.”

I blushed at his words and thank god my back was to him because then he would have witnessed my rose tinted cheeks. I took in the words he told me. He thought I was beautiful and even in such dull clothing. Did he really mean that?

Dr. Dilamond walked into class, so I decided I would have to ask him later after class. I took a deep breath and found my usual seat with my friends. What I didn’t realize was that Fiyero abandoned his usual seat, all the way across the room, and followed me.

I stared at him as he chose to sit a few seats down from me. He turned around and gave me a smirk before turning to the front to face Dr. Dilamond. My friend nudged me and asked, “What was that about?” Referring to Fiyero.

But I couldn’t answer her. I was completely baffled as well.

About halfway through class I was starting to get bored. I ripped out a page and made a fortune teller. I drew a vase of flowers in the corner of the room. I balanced a pencil above my lips. Now I was simply just staring out the window. The sun got a little too bright, so I looked off to the right and suddenly my eyes drifted to Fiyero who already had his eyes locked on me. Startled, I jumped up and my pencils flew off my desk. I stood up abruptly and scrambled to try and pick them up.

“Miss Y/n are you alright?” Dr. Dilamond asked.

I picked up the last remaining pencil and set it on the table.

“Yes I am. I was just startled, but I’m fine.”

I was completely embarrassed that I made such a spectacle in class.

“Good. I’m glad you are alright. Now…”

Dr. Dilamond continued to teach and I looked back at Fiyero. He was still looking at me. He gave me a wink before he turned back to Dr. Dilamond.

Now I definitely needed to talk to him after class because now he was blatantly staring at me for no reason. But why? Why has he took a sudden interest in me? Why has he been so reassuring all morning? Is he maybe interested in me? Does he actually mean what he’s saying? No that can’t be true.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and the boy sitting next to me passed me a note. It was a small piece of blue paper that was folded to conceal what was written. Curiously I unfolded the paper and read.

“I’m sorry I startled you. That was not my intention. I just couldn’t help, but stare at you. You looked so ethereal with the sun hitting your face. You looked like an Angel. Well you are an Angel.”

I looked up at Fiyero and just as I suspected he was already staring at me. Probably wanting to see my reaction and awaiting my response. I turned the piece of paper over and simply wrote

“I don’t believe you. Why do you keep saying these things?”

I folded it back and handed it back to the boy next to me. He passed it along and so on and so on until the paper landed back into Fiyero’s hands.

Fiyero unfolded the paper and looked back at me. He did nothing flirty or cheeky and instead he turned around and grabbed a new piece of paper to write his response. He was quick with it and eventually the piece of paper was handed to me. I discreetly opened it up and read.

…

Three dots? Three dots? What does that mean?

“That’s enough for today. Class dismissed.” Dr. Dilamond said.

I grabbed my books and quickly tried to get to the exit, so I could catch up to Fiyero. I needed to know what his intentions were and what those three dots meant. I got to the hallway and couldn’t find him anywhere. Great I lost him I thought.

Then a hand grabbed mine and pulled me away to the opposite direction. It was Fiyero and he began to drag me away from the hallway of classrooms and outside to the courtyard. I thought he wanted to talk there, but instead we walked up the stairs to the library. However, we passed by that too, so I guess he didn’t want to talk there either.

We walked a little further to a secluded area where there was plenty of different colored glass arranged to be art. There were blue glass tiles glued to the walls to create designs and glass circles that were pink, orange and green acting like mirrors.

I stepped in front of the green circle mirror and I could see the reflection of the area and Fiyero, but all in green. I turned around and reached up to spin the array of glass shards that were hung and arranged on the ceiling to act like a chandelier.

“This place is beautiful.” I finally said.

Fiyero smiled. “It is isn’t it. But not as beautiful as you.”

I blushed at his words and this time he actually saw it. He seemed satisfied with my reaction because he smirked before continuing.

“I found this place when I was running away from Madame Morrible. She didn’t find me.”

“Should I even ask?” I asked jokingly.

“No.”

The both of us broke into laughter. As soon as our laughs died down I cut right to the chase.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“About?”

But I could tell he already knew what I was referring to.

“About today. Why are you acting like this?”

“Acting like what my love?”

“Like that! Calling me my love, beautiful, angel, darling. Why all the pet names?”

“Because I’m telling the truth. You are my love. You are beautiful. You are an angel. You are my darling.”

He took a step closer to me.

I tried my best to hide how much his words have affected me, but I couldn’t tell if I did a good job.

“And the staring. Why were you staring at me all throughout class?”

“Like I said in the note. I couldn’t help it. You looked so ethereal.”

He took another step.

“Speaking of the note. Why did you write three dots on that piece of paper?”

“Because I wanted to continue our conversation.”

Now we were standing face to face. He grabbed my hand and stroked it with his thumb like he did before. Except this time he placed a kiss on the back of my hand.

“Because I saw how you were this morning. I saw the self-doubt and insecurities written all over your face. It didn’t take me long to realize why.”

He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me up against his chest.

“I simply wanted to stop whatever delusions you had in your head. You are drop dead gorgeous my dear. Especially now.”

I ducked my head at his compliment and looked at the shiny gold buttons on his suit jacket instead.

“You’re lying. I’m wearing such awful and dull clothes today, I’m barely wearing any make up, and my hair is not styled and it’s just a mess! I do not look beautiful right now and I don’t feel it either.”

Fiyero let go of my hand and lifted my chin with his finger. My eyes met his and they were filled with love and admiration. Love and admiration that I don’t deserve.

“You’re the one who’s lying here Y/n.”

That was the first time he used my real name all day, so I could tell he was being serious.

“You’re magnificent.”

He grabbed my hand again and kissed the back of it.

“Iresistible.”

He kissed my cheek.

“Stunning.”

He kissed the top my head.

“And bewitching.”

And with a swift movement of his hand he pulled the claw clip from my hair and my hair fell down to my back. He attached the claw clip to a strap on his suit jacket.

“Your appearance today has only proven how beautiful you truly are. Right now I’m looking at your natural beauty without all of your clothing and extra accessories getting in the way. I’m not saying your clothes and makeup are unnecessary because I know how much they mean to you, but you can hold back every once in a while and let yourself relax. You don’t have to be dressed up all the time. We all have our off days and sometimes it’s okay to wear comfortable clothing.”

Somehow Fiyero was able to capture exactly how I was feeling in just a few sentences and for the first time ever I felt seen. No one has ever been able to read me as easily as Fiyero has. Not to mention that he barely even knows me and that this is our first proper conversation. But it still doesn’t explain the real reason why he thinks I am beautiful and making sure that I know it.”

“Why are you making it your mission to remind me?”

“Because I’m interested in you. I’ve had my eye on you for a while. I’ve been thinking about how I could approach you and today was my lucky day because you ran into me. And if you give me the chance I will make it my mission everyday to remind you just how naturally beautiful you are inside and out.”

My breath hitched at his words. He knows exactly the right words to say and he actually makes me believe it. All day I couldn’t even stand to even look at myself, but somehow Fiyero made me feel beautiful. Even in my sweats and t-shirt he makes me feel pretty. Then I repeated the first words I said to him earlier today.

“But what if I don’t deserve to be reminded.”

Fiyero looked taken aback by my words, but a fire of determination blazed in his eyes.

“Then I’ll tell you how much you deserve to be reminded everyday until you believe me. And even then I’ll still tell you every day how much you deserve to know how gorgeous you are.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. No has ever made me truly feel special until now. I’ve had my occasional admirers here and there, but never anyone genuine.

“Thank you.” I said with a smile.

“You’re welcome princess. And I understand how you feel. I struggle with the same problem in a different way. But we can overcome it together.”

“Together.”

Fiyero smiled warmly at my response. He grabbed a piece of my hair and placed it gently behind my ear. Then he cradled my face with his hand and placed a whisper of a kiss on my lips.

My day might have started with something bad, but I was left with something good.

[thatfrailsoul]

– On a day I've found me

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

Even in the darkest and loneliest days of our life... There is still something within us. Something that we don't feel so much, don't remember or perhaps don't even know to have within ourselves... But that is still so powerful. Enough to gently push and guide us through every obstacle, through every challenge, through every painful or confusing step. There is something within us that is worth it. That makes it worth it to believe in ourselves, to survive, to still be here and to be alive. Our own treasure, our own and true core where is hidden all the magic of our soul. Are we aware of it or not.

This is our second reading from the Divinatory Jukebox inspired by the song "A Brand New Day", by BTS ( V and J-Hope) and Zara Larsson!(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) Like with the first reading (that you can find here ♡), this one too was guided by my cards that "set the tone", giving me advice on how to listen to this song, from which perspective, and what it wants to tell us in this period of our lives.

P.s. If you would like to see a reading inspired by your suggested song, you can learn more about how to partecipate here!♡↓

♪♡♪ Divinatory Jukebox ♪♡♪

Slow down for a moment. Give your conscious mind a moment of rest, allow it to step back. And listen to your subconscious mind, to that inner voice, to the intuition that is guiding you to the pile in which your message hides.

P.s. I was considering doing some extended versions of our readings, a sort of add-on through which we will look even deeper and in more detail at the situation. A lot of you gave me your support on this, so I wanted to ask you more about what might be comfortable for you in case of purchasing one day an extended reading!♡ For example, would you prefer to have access to only one pile of your choice (and in case you were called to more than one pile in the original reading you would need too pay again for another one) or to receive all of them at once and with a single purchase?

Thank you for letting me know!��

—

– Pile One,

the five of wands, the hierophant, the temperance, the six of cups

When the voices get louder, when the words become meaner, the truth is overtaken by the lies... When you stand alone on the first line, protecting with your own back the ones that are being pressured or judged... There is that one little flame, that ignites inside you. That pushes you forward, chest full and eyes on the target. Ready to fight if it is needed, ready to raise your own voice if they don't hear the one of their chosen victim.

Impulsiveness, bad temper, tendency to not mind your own business, somehow even selfishness and desire to make it all about yourself... It can be labelled in so many ways by those for which it is so inconvenient that you are not afraid of them. For those that know too well that one day or another, that same power can be used to protect you from their influence and "guidance". Because although they really do everything to convince you of it, this power and this need to speak up does not come from something bad, from indiscipline or ungratefulness for those that are trying to guide you by so lovingly cutting out what makes you different from what they want or are used to... It actually comes from the deep and profound love. Your love towards your own self, towards what makes you - you. A love that, after so many years of judgment and punishments... you just can't bring yourself so easily to use. And that has as the only way of manifesting - the protection of others that are being treated so painfully similarly to you. That are being silenced and limited by the dreams, desires, and plans of others. And that your subconscious, so beaten up and tired by how many times it has happened in your own life, just can't look at without doing nothing, without trying to save at least others, while you remain to suffer in a life that has nothing of what you like.

Bad intentions, manipulation, desire to keep you the way it is more convenient to them, or just a genuine and scarier conviction and trust in what they do or say... Those around you always had something to say about your behaviour, about your difficulty in following the rules, in respecting the limits, in "trusting" and accepting as yours the decisions or opinions of others... Every time you made a step in a sliglthy different direction, that path was fast destroyed right in front of your eyes. The pain, mistakes or struggles of others so easily used to scare you, to push you back in line. There was never a chance to think differently, to desire things or to realize them in your life without feeling guilty, like you are doing something that you shouldn't, like your one little desire of something else can really crush the whole world in front of their eyes... But those words and hysteria never came alone. They were always so well glazed with concepts like love, wanting the best for you, caring for you and for your life. And tiny bit after another, it simply grew on you. On you that were too tired to fight back every single time just to feel like the one attacking others, the one that is ruining your or their lives...

You became more silent and more docile, more in line with what they wanted or needed. A perfect vessel for all their goals and dreams... And it gave you only a life that is miserable. So peaceful at first sight, but so meaningless for your own heart. A life that you are not really living, but merely following based on their rules. While your mind so desperately tries to live its dreams through others, through their battles, through their creations that you so greedily and secretly consume.

But was it really worth it? Now that you are gorwing up, facing this new phase in your life all on your own... Does it seems like it was worth it? Does it really seem like the perfect end? For your heart it surely doesn't. Not for the one that you are feeling less and less, becoming numb to this life that you are not ready or capable to face. Not for a heart that is so confused and lost, but also so fearful and trembling every single time the ones of the past speak up, with their guidance and advices that are really only judgment and hurtful words...

You relied for so long on your mind that was so good at shutting everything down and following their commands, but now it is really time to switch things up. To give the control to your heart, and let your consumed mind rest, as you take a step back and begin from the very start. From when you were too little and too loving to go against those by your side. From when you asked yourself to not speak up for the first time.

Because as impossible or too late as it might seem, but there is still time and possibilities for you to make things really work in your life. You can still pursue your desires and those passions that you threw away in the past. You can still begin from scratch, try again those things in which you failed but doing them differently, as you think it would be better now. Or you can choose completely different paths. You can do what you wanted and they never considered worth it. You can try and even make mistakes, but also learn from them and at least have your own and true experience. You can live like you always were supposed to, and not like they programmed you to. You can do it, even if they will still judge you. Even if they will still scream at you or ignore you. You can do it because all this time that you followed their guidance and remained silent, there was still and always a part of you that felt that anger, that frustration, that need to scream at them back. And the fact that you still felt it, that you still feel it now... Is all that you need to know that you are alive. That those passions, and dreams, and what makes you unique, no matter if you know what is it or still need to discover it, they are still all here. They never had been destroyed like you thought, they were just asleep, awaiting the moment you will feel ready to speak. To speak you truth, your own opinions. To be louder than their lies or impositions. To protect yourself so courageously, like you always did with others. To not allow your fear of them, or of the loneliness that they so often promise, to silence you ever again. Because their words will only and ever be just that. They aren't prophecies or accurate predictions of your life. They are just their convictions. And you have now yours. And it is time to speak them up as fiercely as they always did. With the difference that you will never use your voice to hurt and control others, projecting and imposing your convictions on them... But you will only protect yourself and pretend the respect that you deserve. The space and liberty to live the life that you want.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile Two,

the chariot, the lovers, the strength, the wheel of fortune (all major arcanas!♡)

They feel so heavy. Those steps that you need to do every single day in order to survive. In order to have a chance to overcome these obstacles. In order to have even just the tiniest bit of progress... Your legs feel so damn heavy. There is simply too much pressure, too many fears and doubts weighing on them. And at each step... You really do need the help of others. Their guidance, a little advice, support or just some confirmation that you are going in the right direction, that you will be alright.

They say that as we grow we become more wise, more confident. But you seem to have everything but courage in your heart. The same one that, ironically, used to be so brave and beautifully impulsive in the past. The ones that often lead to mistakes, all those passions and drive, it's true. But for which you still would give so much, just to feel even just a little now, because you would exactly know where to direct them, into what to pour them, where they could help you so much right now.

Because it is not at all easy to feel so vulnerable, so lost and scared. It is not easy to need someone to rely on. To look for them constantly, never really having time to focus the same way on your own self. To feel just more consumed, when the one you found influenced you so much but left alone too soon. In paths that you know nothing about and followed just in search of them. With decisions that you can't even remember how you made, perhaps so blindly trusting the opinion or advice of someone that was by your side back then...

It is frustrating. Truly. To feel the life you are living, creating, working so hard on every single day... Just not right, just not yours. So many things constrating you and your visions. So many rhythms and routines that are different from yours. All around you. So many. That it seems impossible to find a way out of this and something that would truly resonate with you for more than just a phase... If you will even ever be able to understand what is it that your heart wants in the first place.

But... The same way as with your life decisions, you are so quick to trust others with their convictions and descriptions of who and how you are too. You so quickly trust their words and vision of you, embodying it so perfectly that it really does feel true. That you are too volatile, too impulsive, too indecisive. That you know too little your own self. That you don't have your own mind or identity, and feel someone only once you become the copy of others and their soul. No ideas, no desires, no passions. Not even one focus, center, of your life that is not someone that you feel so much love and admiration for. You really do believe all of this about yourself. You really, so naively and even sweetly think that others see your core and true self so well... That you don't realize that all that they consider a lack of something, it is what makes you truly whole.

The liberty to change, to feel and experience so many things. The openness of the mind to look at life from different perspectives, of learning everyday new things about this world... We all have it when we are younger. And no one ever considers it as being weak or inconsistent - we know that it is the most important part of our growth. But so many grow, find the safest spot, and settle in so fastly, forgetting everything, even the fact that they themselves can be more, can bloom more... Not you though. Not when you are so versatile, so open, so genuine, so ready to be inspired by this life. No matter if it is through a story, an idea, a feeling, or someone... You are still learning more, you are still becoming more.

Or at least you could if only you didn't bring your own self down so harshly and so often, following the flow of your inspiration only halfway through, convinced that the powerful enthusiasm, the curiosity and passions that you felt weren't truly yours...

The opinions and expectations of people are really strict and specific nowadays, it is true... But only because someone out there, or even close to you, has them, doesn't mean that you need to slow down and force yourself to settle too. It is too soon for you. You have still so many things to do and feel. So many things to see and explore. You are still a child at heart. So innocent, so easily amazed and in love with all that this world has to offer to your soul. So why should you denigrate and change this part of yourself? Why you should judge or be ashamed of something that, if you saw it in someone else, would have filled you with joy, admiration and love? Why you shouldn't love it and embrace it like those that you envy do with their own souls? Why you should do it for others, when being yourself will never hurt no-one?

It never was infatuation, lack of character and discipline or recklessness. It only was your excitement for people and their ideas, so different from yours, so worthy of being tried and felt on your own skin, learned with your own mind and felt with your whole heart, so you can understand them better and connect with them more. It was just your desire to wander, to explore, to bloom more and more with all the colours of this world. It never was you being doomed. But only you being one of the most free souls.

Your mind will change. Your desires. Your passions. Your pace and the direction you'll be guided to take. And that's okay. You will never be stuck or too close to a trap. You never will be lost, as long as you will embrace the power of your soul to hear the many callings of this world.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

– Pile Three,

the three of wands, the page of pentacles, the two of cups, the world

It is so rare to be able to truly see this world, its negative parts but also the hopeful ones. It is rare to have your eyes that can so easily recognise something that is worthy of appreciation, something that we can and need to be grateful for. Your gaze wanders further, it is not focused only on what is here and now, right by your side... But it foresees so many ways, options, possibilities of how things can become better, allowing you to have something that no one else has. Your faith and hope.

It is not just being too positive, hopeful or delusional. It is not stupid to notice precious details and signs in things that others are so fast to label as the worst in their life. It is a different form of courage and strength. To be able to recognise the difficulties and challenges, but at the same time still respect them for all that they give you, for who they help you to become.

But the suffering voices of others are too hard to ignore, aren't they? It is difficult to feel truly grateful and hopeful when so many by your side are crushed under the pressure of their fears and struggles. Your gaze that never focused just on you can't start doing it now, only for the sake of your own peaceful mind... You can't walk past them, or ignore them every time they pour out their soul to you. They are your family, your loved ones. People that you would like so much to share with your strength and patience for this world.

So you do it. You are doing it already for quite some time. You are your own supporter and guide, that always reminds you of how things can and will become better if you just hold on tight. And you are the strength and hope of others. Always ready to listen to them, to help them let it all out. But also capable of finding in their stories and situations something good, something little but still worthy of keeping on going. Kind words. Positive affirmations. Loving support. Readiness to be there no matter what. You do so much for others, you give them so much guidance and love in hopes that one day they can finally see and feel for themselves that hope and faith for a best life... But it helps them so little, it seems so feeble compared to their strong convictions of how it never will be better, of how there is nothing here to be grateful for, of how believing in something different is for the delusional and weak ones.. And it hurts you. It hurts you deeply. That not only you seem the only one to at least try to enjoy this life a little.... But that it is also considered so wrong, for whatever reason, to not focus for once only on the worst. It is hurting you so so deeply, to the point that you are starting to feel for the first time that your enthusiasm is becoming more silent, your sureness more fragile. You are starting to feel so much like they feel. More hopeless, less convinced, less motivated to do anything. Because perhaps if so many say so... Then it really is so bad, so different from what your heart and mind wanted to believe...

Or perhaps it is just a moment in which the voices of others are a little more heavy, enough to pressure you into believing that the life is really only this. Perhaps it is only you that became a little tired, after spending so much time and energy on others, on helping them out. Perhaps it is only your mind that focused for so long on others and their lives, stopping to look for good things in yours, not warming it anymore with your joy and hope, and letting it become more dark and cold.

Life or this world didn't change, in the grand scheme of things. It's not like in this period everything indeed became much worse and horrendous, erasing every beautiful and worthy thing. And it's not like they were always right in their overwhelming negativity and convictions, and you are the one to only now open your eyes and see it all... Everything remained still balanced as it was, the bad and good stuff, the pain and love, the struggle and the epiphany of freedom and safety that is so dear to our souls. But after spending so much time in their minds and lives... You just became used to their ways to feel and see this world, starting to do the same, judging your more hopeful side exactly like they always did to you before.

But you still are this way. You will always be. You will still and always have that light in you, that love and gratefulness for the things. You just need to reconnect with them. Nourish them a little more now, so they can light up once again and warm your heart.

And to do this there is no need to pick sides, isolate yourself or say goodbye to those that not feel this life the same way as you do. You can still cherish your connections, you can still try to lift them up and give them that strength that they need so much. You can still try to teach them, and you can still love them... Just remember, at the same time, to love yourself a little more. Your own ways, your own perceptions and opinions. Your own needs to be hopeful about this world and what the future holds. Just remember to listen to your own self, before anyone else, your own convictions. Cherish them and trust them more than the ones of other people. Because it is truly a power of yours, to feel so connected to the ways of this world. It is indeed something that will save and help you, now and forever. It will always give you the needed strength or guidance to go through the hardships, it will always show you the right path when you will feel stuck or lost. Just remember to nourish it first. Before fighting or protecting so fiercely the ways of others... Remember to nourish and embrace the ones that are yours. So you can share your light, your love and strength with others, but without consuming or destroying it in the process, leaving your own self alone and in the cold.

♡ { free guidance | a little thank you } ♡

[ahgasegotarmy116]

He Doesn't Deserve You | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Chapter One

Summary: Life didn't turn out the way you wanted. You got the guy, and the job but everything else you had ever wanted has been crumbling around you. Pairing: Noona reader x Jeon Jungkook (She's 28 and he's 22) Word Count: 2.1k~ Warnings: yändere, manipulation, domestic violence, self harm, cheating, explicit language, hints at smut, angst, idk what else lol a/n: Ahh thank you so much for all of the love so far on the intro and even all the notes on the masterlist hehe. I'm really loving the direction this story is going in so I hope you guys will too! And thanks again to @kkusadmirer for the request!

Opening my laptop I pull up the most recent edit I had done on the next chapter I was working on. 

I'm a writer, not an incredibly famous one but a writer nonetheless. I make enough to get by and I'm able to work from home so that's all I ever really wanted. Just a silly girl, writing her silly stories, living her silly life. 

But unfortunately things don't always turn out the way you want them to. 

I thought I had it all, perfect grades and a perfect boyfriend with a loving family and a bright bright future. Now looking back at it all and seeing all of the stuff in the background that I somehow missed just makes me feel foolish.

How could I not notice Taehyung wondering eye? Why did I not listen to what my friends used to say about him? Why did I leave all of my friends behind for him? 

Being so wrapped up and so in love with him I didn't even notice the fact that my family was falling apart. My mom cheated on my dad and I never knew until they told me they were getting a divorce.

While my brother was struggling in high school while being around all of their screaming and fighting and finally got committed to a mental institution when he had a psychotic break.

I never knew anything about that. It's not like I didn't care, but I just never really reached out or gave them enough time to reach out to me. 

I was always like 'Oh Tae just got home I have to go' or 'Tae is expecting me so I need to get going'. My world has revolved around him for so long that my family and friends feel like strangers. 

How could I have been so stupid and neglected them, all for one guy?

The one that I wanted to build a future with and promised to do the same with me. Now here I am, 24 with student loans up to my neck and a sorry excuse for a marriage with a husband that is never home. 

I don't know what I managed to do in my past life that ended up royally fucking me up in this one but I'm sorry. Why couldn't I have done better so I would be saved from having my spirit broken and my heart ripped to shreds. 

The only positive thing is that this has given me is the inspiration to come up with an even more fucked up series of books that has been my only source of income for the past few years. 

Years, wow. 

Thinking about how much time has passed and how things went to shit so quickly helped me continue down this downward spiral and I don't know how to make it stop. Although the sound of keys jingling outside the front door is my rude awakening, my brain knowing I need to be conscious of what may happen next.

 I quickly wipe off the tears that I didn't even realized had started to fall and clear my throat. Moments later I'm met with the sight of Taehyung walking in wearing the same shirt I had seen him in yesterday but sports a brand new hickey near the collar, just barely noticeable but he makes no effort to hide it. 

"Y/n" I hear him call out, breaking me out of my train of thought. "Yes?" I question, hating that I've been caught off guard even though I was staring right at him. "I asked if we have anything to eat" he says, making his way over to the refrigerator, now going to see if he can answer his own question before I'm even given another second to speak up. 

"Um yeah I think there's some left over pizza from last night" I say and get up to walk towards him. "So how was work yesterday?" I ask tentatively, still not sure what kind of mood he's in. "Exhausting but it is what it is I guess" he says while stuffing his face full of a cold slice of pepperoni pizza. 

I turn to walk away while nodding my head, not bothering to ask anything else since it seems from his vague answers that he's not in the mood to talk. 

"Hey" he says, gently grabbing my wrist with the hand that wasn't occupied with the pizza, leaving me frozen in place. I know better than to walk away from him. Even if he's not mad at the moment doesn't mean that he won't be in the next. 

"Where are you running off to?" he asks pulling me close by that same wrist. Still doing so carefully but pressing on the bruises that he had left there from the last fight we had. 

He sees my slight look of discomfort and how my vision is trained on the wrist he's still holding and rolls up my sleeve, taking a quick look and seeing the evidence of his past transgressions.

"It left a mark huh?" he says examining the spot further and then bringing it up to his face where he places a few featherlight kisses on it, making a flash of heat run through my system when he looks back up at me with those eyes.

Those bedroom eyes that never fail to put me in a trance. He lifts his hand up towards my face and I flinch not knowing what to expect and see him stopping for a second, surprised by my reaction.

"Don't be afraid baby, it's just me" he says and keeps going, hooking his finger on the collar of my turtleneck to pull it to the side, no doubt searching for other marks. 

"There's marks here too. I guess it's a good thing you stay home. Don't want to have to make up excuses for those now would you?" he says tapping under my chin twice, a slight lilt in his tone, enjoying my clear discomfort in showing them to someone, even if it's the person that's caused them.

"What did you do today baby?" he asks, letting go of me and going back to grab a few other things out of the fridge to complete his meal. "Oh you know, just some writing" I say, trailing off and giving him the same answer that I've given him time and time again. 

"You almost done with it?" he questions, only really asking so he knows when my next big payday will be. 

I shake my head "No, not yet. I think I'm only about halfway though" I say, giving simple answers to his simple questions. "Well you better get it out soon. I bet your readers are dying to know what happens next" he says giving me a quick wink before taking everything he has in his hands and carrying it over to the couch. 

"Do you think you could grab me a beer?" he asks, but I know it's more of a courtesy than anything phrasing it like I actually had an option. I respond with a quiet yeah and bring it over to him, placing it on the coffee table. 

"Thanks babe" he says and grabs a ahold of my hand and angles his head up, clearly asking for a kiss to which I oblige. Again something I don't really have an option in doing. "I missed you" he says and rubs his nose against mine cutely, or at least it used to be cute. Now it just makes me sad thinking of all of those times when we were happy.

"Are you gonna watch the game with me?" this time giving me something that I actually have a choice in. "I think I've got some more writing I'd like to do" I say and he nods his head not even bothering to look at me or give me a verbal sign of acknowledgment before turning on said game and slumping back into the couch to watch. 

I walk over to my desk that happens to unfortunately be in the living room so I'm forced to grab my headphones to drown out the sound so I can hopefully get another chapter or two in before I call it a night. 

~~~~~~

"Baby" I hear him call for me through my headphones after some time, that's something that I've had to fine tune. Making sure I can hear him when he talks to me no matter what so it's one less thing I have to worry about him getting upset about. 

I pull out my headphones and turn my attention towards him, half expecting him to ask me to get him a beer. "Yes?" I reply, waiting to see what he needs. "Come here" he says holding his hand out to me and spreading his legs, showing me where he wants me. 

I get up and walk towards him, straddling him once I get close enough and putting my arms around his neck. "Hi" he says in a deep voice sending a shockwave through my nervous system. "Hi" I respond quietly, intimidated at the thought of what he might do next. "How was the game?" I ask tentatively, hoping for my own sake that there was a favorable result. 

"We won" he says, mindlessly tracing his hands up and down my curves. "How's your book?" he asks leaning into my neck, placing kisses over the bruises he had noticed from before. "

It's going" I whisper, starting to feel breathless from his warm breath fanning the sensitive parts of my skin. "Ready for a break?" he asks, question laced with a mischievous tone. I hum in acknowledgment, tilting my head to the side so he can have his fun.

~~~~~~

"I'm gonna head out but I'll be back later" Taehyung says while getting dressed with me still laying there with only a sheet to cover my body. "You're leaving?" I question, knowing he just said that but hoping he'll give me some sort of explanation.

"The guys wanted to meet up for a couple of drinks to talk about the game. Get some rest okay? I'll be back in a few hours" he says planting a soft kiss on my lips and one on my forehead. 

I nod as he pulls the comforter over me as well, starting to already to drift off to sleep. "Stay safe" I mumble and flip over to the other side to try and get more comfortable.

He looks down at me for a second and chuckles at my fucked out and sleepy state before walking out of our bedroom and soon I'm left with the sound of him closing and locking the door behind him. 

Although this night was bittersweet I'm thankful that it ended up like this. He's not a selfish lover when it comes to sex so I'm always left sleepy and satisfied except for the times that he's more rough, rough is putting it lightly so I guess I should say when he's more violent. 

I hate thinking about those nights and I refuse to let those dark thoughts cloud this physical euphoric feeling I have but I can't help but worry about what he might actually be going out to do.

 Would having a drink with the guys really make him want to leave his naked and freshly fucked wife alone in his bed? I just don't get it. If he's already been with me tonight could there be a possibility that he would wake up in another woman's bed and leave me waking up alone again tomorrow?

There's no use worrying about it though. It's not like it hasn't happened before, but why do I always let it get to me? Yes he's my husband but our marriage isn't like other ones in anyway shape or form. I'm here when he wants or needs me and that's it. I'm not allowed to want or need him because I'm just left disappointed every single time.

He doesn't love me, he just loves what I can give him and I need to come to terms with that. But it's nights like these where he's gentle and whispers sweet nothings in my ear that make me second guess things. 

Maybe he's changed? Maybe he's realized what actually matters? And maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. I can't keep lying to myself but I don't know what else to do. I feel alone most days but these little glimmers of hope are what keep me holding on and unfortunately that's all I have left. 

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[nights-at-crystarium]

on authenticity

My mood in the recent months keeps going from bad to worse. Today I randomly fell into the rabbit hole of checking out other patreon artists, which always grounds me in reality and cheers me up, perhaps in a weird way. Essay incoming \o/

Authenticity is a blob of a word that sounds almost pretentious nowadays. It gets sneered at. You either sell your soul, or you don't earn with your art.

What's authentic, being true to yourself, will vary from person to person. It's like a sliding scale of suffering that you will tolerate in exchange for a coin, while convincing yourself that you have fun.

The harsh truth of modern world is that if your art pays for your living, you've already reached success, no matter how you may feel about the type of content you actually make for that money. Insert the meme furry nsfw art here. Or not furry. Or even sfw, but comms, lots of comms every month. Or merch. Anything that sells. Products first, art second.

Marrying passion and profession is virtually impossible, yet I'm doing it, only thanks to your support. I'm acutely aware that, even as I choose to be "real" and talk about an artist's money-making in a raw way, it's still patreon talk, and yes, I'll plug the link as well, so technically this entire post is an ad *fingerguns*

I just feel so privileged being able to create whatever the fuck I want, literally, I take no comms/requests/guidance on what and how should I draw/write, I post experimental, sometimes provocative stuff, and still make enough to survive. This sole fact should get me through the day, whatever other struggles I may be facing currently (I am. I don't wanna talk about it rn, instead I distract myself with this text), I should always remember the unique place in life I managed to carve for myself.

There are madmen (gender-neutral) who toss $10-20 at me every month. The majority "only" pledges $1, the notorious tier that gets treated as a tip jar with no rewards by many other creators. All of my rewards are the same at $1 and $20 (save for the one-time digital artbook download at $10, just to be perfectly clear), it's a conscious choice and a risk I continue taking because it's how I am. I used to split rewards between tiers in the past, before xiv, and it was a lot of busy work while it made me treat my art less as art and more as product. This pic goes into the cheap box, this pic goes into the expensive box. Every month. It's. Definitely not for every artist.

Logistic hell of splitting and delivering rewards, different posts with less comments per post, also my discord roles/channels would have to be split, nowadays it's just patron, whether you give me $1 or $20, there's no visual disparity, you're hanging out in the same cool kids' club, and collectively making happy noises on Fragments Fridays.

Could I be making more money if I got rid of the $1 tier? Yeah. But, mercifully, after 2 years I don't need to. I legit make enough currently, my only worry is to keep what I have. Patrons don't stay forever, 2-5 people would leave every month, about the same number would join (hence my patreon ads, I need to keep people reminded of it, even if it makes me feel guilty every damn time). I did Research (tm) in the past to find out that my "bleeding" numbers are below average, i.e. it's good, people generally tend to stick around.

I put a lot of emphasis on the $1 because I'm kinda proud of what I managed to accomplish while staying self-detrimentally humble. Literally doing an impossible thing in a world that keeps burning down. So yeah if you've been feeling bad for only giving me $1, what matters is that there's enough $1s to make a difference. Together you're creating a phenomenon, and you should be proud.

There are many stupid little principles, hills that I'll die on, that make up my authenticity. I chose to speak of it here and now in order to sorta sell myself, so it feels hypocritical x'D But if I don't shine a spotlight on this, who will. I'm old and jaded and increasingly terrified of how insincere the internet's becoming. Everything's fake, sugarcoated, polished for sale. My art's always been a scream of defiance against all that, now that I'm more or less established, I wanna scream louder. Thanks for hearing my screams. You can scream with me too if you want.

[4dkellysworld]

hi! wanted to start of by saying thank you for all that you do. you are the only one who's active that i follow out of the 4dbarbie 'universe' (lol i can't think of another word than that 😆)

there is something i wanted to ask that i've always been battling in my head. to practice surrendering/detachment, one must let go of circumstances and outcomes, but sometimes i feel like it's impossible to do that. idk if it's because of the lack of trust that i have in this knowledge or the fear of doing so and losing control leading to a worser outcome. maybe a combo of both aha. but this becomes very prominent when it's during deadlines or important work functions. sometimes i think if i didn't work or if i wasn't a student id have an easier time detaching.

but that's where i am at now. ive read loads of books, blogs, reread them but idk why i just fully put the pedal on it. i tried to go for a day without thoughts and letting that sense of doership but i think i was so stuck on the outcome that i was instantly out of this detachment phase. eeek so sorry for this long rambly ask but what is your advice on this if you don't mind me asking 😅 i just feel so lost 😵‍💫

Thanks but I'm not really on here all that much so I don't know if I'd call myself 'active'. I find it helpful to have periods where I'm less engaged with social media in general but I basically come back when I feel a spontaneous 'calling' lol so here I am now!

My advice would be to firstly, just try observing or noticing the thoughts/feelings/experience whenever 'strong attachment' comes up, don't force yourself to detach or fight it, simply just observe/notice it for what it is without adding any dialogue/labels/stories to it or engaging with the mind. This can be enough at times. You're just noticing you're already detached and it's just the thought/story itself that makes you feel like you're attached. If this doesn't help, then consciously choosing to let go of that thought/story should do it (see next step).

Secondly, start small with things that feel more achievable when it comes to letting go - you don't have to be perfect at it from the start. E.g. when you barely miss the bus/train on the way to work, when you're running late and run into another obstacle, or someone in public was rude to you for no reason - things like that where often there's a knee-jerk reaction but if you bring yourself back to present awareness, it's easier to make a conscious choice to let go of it all compared to things that have more deeply rooted attachments to. It's having an acceptance that you can't do anything about it (it is what it is), it's out of your control so you're willingly choosing to just let it go and there's a real freedom in that. It gets easier the more you practice and live this way. Drop all expectations. Just try practicing this for a while before you try to go all in.

Third, this isn't something I learned from reading but something I came intuitively to practice. It helped me personally and blu-ora also talked about it. Yes it's all about trust. This helps if you already have some working intuition/knowing or faith in a greater intelligence that all of Life operates on, it doesn't matter what you call it.. God, Universe, Self etc. Basically it's easier to let go when you trust that it will be taken care by God/Universe/Self. And it's easier to trust when you already do trust, not because you have to but because you genuinely choose to. If this isn't something present yet, you can build it up by focusing on practicing the previous step, as you let go of small things and decide to trust that things will be okay, as things turn out to be okay, the trust will build. The key is to not have any expectations, just have an underlying trust/knowing/understanding that things will be taken care of without your active involvement/control even if you don't know how things will unfold and you don't need to worry or fear it so it's okay to let it go and move on. Again, start with small things that feel available and then as it builds, the trust will serve and allow you to let go of more and more, including things that previously felt impossible to let go of. Be like Dory!! I recommend watching Finding Nemo and Finding Dory because besides being fun stories, it's about having trust and faith even when things feel lost and hopeless (I find spiritual meaning in most things I read/watch now lol).

Fourth, let go of all the 'it would be easier if ______' thoughts, it is what it is. It doesn't help having thoughts like that, we all work with what we are dealt with (which is just what we chose for ourselves on some level).

Lastly, this was mentioned in step 3 but let go of all expectations. I was watching part of a video on a summary for the book Atomic Habits and it mentioned something that I felt could be applied to spiritual practices too. See this handy graph below. Basically, most people have expectations on progress being linear when they start something new while most often progress when starting out is more like that curved line, and at the start it often feels like no progress is made at all, it's almost imperceptible. This is what leads to most people quitting before they see any substantial progress, because their expectations don't line up with actual results which leads to the valley of disappointment, and they falsely believe they're not getting anywhere or won't get anywhere. Even the masters said to let go of all measuring of progress and results and just focus on the practice itself in the present - the results will take care of themselves. It's the expectations and constant measuring of progress that hinder progress.

[munsonownsmyass]

Healing takes time

Frank Castle x plus size!reader

Summary: At a low point in life, you meet someone who might just help you get through it.

Notes: I'm going through some stuff and put it in a fic. Is there any other way to cope with life?

@itwasthereaminuteago wrote me three little words (workout with Frank) yesterday and it inspired this.

Warnings: reader had bad self imagine. Insecurities. Some fluff at the end. We do like a happy ending.

Words: 1.5 K

Panting heavily, you finally stop for a break. Almost at a breaking point, feeling the tears threatening to spill. Every muscle aching and nausea building. Is it like this for everyone or just you?

The breathing is still not back to normal as you lean against the wall, chugging down the cold water in your bottle. This is horrible. Working out is horrible. You’re about to break into tears again with the thought of doing this again tomorrow.

“You’re pushing yourself to hard, princess.”

You look up, finding a handsome stranger in front of you. The type of guy you fear meeting going to the gym as a thick woman. Very attractive, muscular, actually looking like he belongs at a gym, whereas you were here for the first time, and it definitely showed.

“I know.” You said, no need to lie to the stranger. He and everyone else here had looked at you, finding all your flaws, probably had an inner monologue about all your rolls and how obvious it was that you were totally new to this. Not even in proper workout clothes, you felt like a fraud.

“You should ease up, let-”

“Thank you,” You interrupt him, not needing a lecture right now. You were already so close to crying that another word might break you. “But I don’t need your help. I know I probably do it all wrong, but at least I’m here.”

Your voice crack at the last word, and you just know you have to leave now unless you want to sob and then you definitely couldn’t show your face here again. You look into his eyes and to your surprise, you find compassion in his eyes.

“Who hurt you?” He asks softly, his voice full of sympathy and it’s too much. You walk off, grabbing your bag and walk out, not even looking back. You fight back the tears all the way to your car, fumbling with the keys when a gentle hand lands on your shoulder. Turning around, you see the man from the gym.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-”

“It’s okay. This is not about you and I’m sorry. I’m just having the worst week of my life.” You say with a shivering voice, wiping away a few tears. “The man I thought I was gonna marry just left me because I’m not good enough. So I feel like shit and wanted to change. That’s why I came here. But I suck at this, and I should just give up and be one of those women who have a bunch of cats and live alone…”

You sob silently, regretting pouring your heart out to this stranger, but you already feel better, getting it of your chest.

“Do you always interrupt people so much?” He smiles, tilting his head to the side as he cocks a brow at you. You sniffle softly, huffing out a small laugh.

“No, and I’m so sorry for that too.”

“No need to apologize. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time.” He takes a step closer, leaning against your car beside you. “I can help you, if you want.”

“Could you kill him?” You laugh trough your tears and he just smile, the smirk on his face making you question if he took it as a joke or not.

“I meant with the workout. Now, I’m no personal trainer, but I could show you how everything works.” He offers, looking at you with soft eyes. Really pretty eyes. You want to say yes, but you’d be too self-conscious to have this hunk see you all sweaty and weak.

“I really appreciate it, but I can’t.”

“Come on, princess. Gotta make that asshole regret he ever left you.” He nudges your shoulder softly and you hate how it gives you butterflies. You shouldn’t even go there. You’d never be good enough for a guy like that. And you just got dumped! This would be a mess. But you already knew you’d say yes.

“Okay then. But I’m warning you. I’m lazy and weak.”

“You’re stronger than you think, princess. You just gotta believe it yourself.” He smiles again, pushing off your car. “See you here Thursday.”

“But… what about tomorrow?” You ask, already having mentally prepared yourself for some daily torture at the gym.

“Your body needs some rest. Thursday.” He turns to walk back to the gym, but then turns around, smiling at you. “Do you even want a bunch of cats?”

“No, I hate cats. I’m a dog person.” You yell back at him, only to see a wide smile on his face. “I’m y/n, by the way.”

“Frank.” He says, before turning back towards the gym, waving back at you.

--

That’s how you found yourself at the gym twice a week with him from then on. Frank Castle. At first, he didn’t say much, just showed you how the machines worked, gave you some simple exercises and gradually increased the weight and the difficulty of the exercises.

But over time as you opened up more about your past, he did too. How he was born and raised in Hell’s Kitchen to Sicilian parents, how he’d been a major troublemaker as a kid and later joined the marines. The day he told you how he lost his wife and kids, was the first day your new friendship was taken outside of the gym. You invited him to dinner at a nearby pizza place and you had talked for hours until the owner threw you out at closing time.

Frank had helped you heal so much over the past few months and had giving you back the thirst for life. You smiled more when you were with him and felt better than you had in years. Also why you had invited him to your little party tonight, celebrating finally getting a place of your own, sticking to working out for 4 months and starting to feel like yourself again.

With the party at full swing, you look around and can’t find Frank anywhere, but notice the window to the fire escape is open. Peeking out, you find him smiling back at you with a beer in hand.

“Hiding, are we?” You giggle, before climbing through to join him. He just gives you a soft smile as he scoots over, making room for you.

“Yeah, that Louisa girl was getting a little too close.” He grins as he takes a sip of his beer.

“Shit, sorry. But I thought you were single, so I told her to go for it.”

“I am.” He responds softly, looking at the bottle as he fiddles with the label.

“Oh…” You turn a little and look at him, unsure why he’d reject Louisa. Possibly the hottest of your friends and definitely a catch. “Then… Why would you hide from her? I promise, she’s amazing.”

“Maybe she is.” He looks up from the bottle and into your eyes, his softening as soon as his gaze falls on you. “But I like someone else.”

“Damn, you should have told me. Then I wouldn’t have set her loose on you.” You giggle softly, shrugging apologetically. Truth be told, you would have hated for her to date Frank, but you couldn’t just keep him to yourself when a guy like that deserved so much better.

“I want to. I was just waiting until she’s ready.”

“Ready for what? I can’t imagine anyone not being ready for you, Frankie.” You laugh it off as a joke, but deep down you’re serious. How anyone could not be willing to be with Frank was a mystery. He was so kind, had been a rock for you these past four months and he was fine as hell.

“It takes time to heal, sweetheart. Especially after a failed engagement. And I don’t mind waiting a little longer for you.”

“For… me?” You ask, your voice barely above a whisper. You can’t really believe what you just heard. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he’s just drunk. It couldn’t be. “B-but… why? I’m not…”

Special. You trail off before you can finish the sentence. At that he just chuckles softly, like you’ve just asked the most ridiculous question in the world. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

“But how? When? I…” You stumble over your words, not sure you’ll ever be able to form a coherent sentence again.

“You’ve said that I’ve helped you heal. Truth is… You healed me too.” He reaches out for you, his hand gently cupping your cheek as his dark eyes stare into yours. There are so many unspoken questions hanging in the air, but you try to silence the voices.

He closes the distance, letting his lips claim yours in a kiss that takes your breath away, but it’s over too soon. For a moment, nothing exists beside you and Frank. The music gone, the city silent.

Tagging: @idrinkcoffeeandobsess @e-dubbc11 @theradioactivespidergwen @mattmurdocksscars @murdock-and-the-sea @mindidjarin @chvoswxtch @boliv-jenta @lucy-sky @darlingshane @saintmurd0ck

For the first time in a long time, you know things will get better. They say anything happens for a reason and you now know you were meant to meet Frank. You had been broken, but he had put you back together. Healing takes time, it takes practice… and a little bit of love.

[shiftymimilily]

what do you think happens to realities after we leave? say i want to leave my current reality because i’m sick okay so i shift, is this “version” of me not real anymore or am i just not conscious of their pain? i’m having a philosophical crisis because i love myself and i don’t deserve to suffer at all yk so i kinda want to stay in “bad” situations to help myself out and i don’t know if this line of thinking even makes sense but i would appreciate your perspective on it

I know, it's not really directly about permashifting, but I think my experiences here are relevant to it. So I hope you sit down and listen for a bit.

A thought about permashifting from both sides of the coin.

Well, firstly, thank you. Somehow, you got me to unlock some of my past memories from my permashift going here. I intentionally locked them behind certain checkpoints I believe so I can access and relearn them again in due time, and I think this was one of them. Funny on how it goes full-circle here. So, instead of an answer, I give you, hopefully, a peace of mind.

I went through a similar crisis back then: What would happen to myself in the reality I was in right now old if I had left permanently? I’ve seen and experienced both sides in a sense. I was in your place, as my "other-self" as I will call them, and I am perhaps where someone wants to be when they go to a new place. In the "new place". Wouldn't it be so selfish to leave people behind? To leave A PART of myself behind?

Then I realized, this was me. Both are me. We’re not separated, ever. This is what WE want. In a sense, I can live in peace with their suffering because they suffer in my name and I gave them meaning to suffer because I was what gave them, or that self, the will to go through suffering. They’ll forever be my other-self, and that’s what they wished to willingly to be. What I wished to be. They'll forever have existed somewhere, as part of you. That is unchangeable.

You're such a beautiful soul to be so considerate. I assure you however that they'll be okay because I know I'm okay. Have faith. You're okay. Truly. Just breathe. You don't have to stay somewhere you don't have to, and we don't have to go anywhere if we don't want to. Whether we stay or go or return, life goes on, and that's not something to be scared of, but to embrace. It’s not wrong to want to be in another space. Your guilt and shame, is natural. However, on the grand scale of things? It's okay. My current existence here as a self is help enough to help the other-self I was.

I won't be able to answer what absolutely happens when we go to another relait. I don't think beings like myself are supposed to anyway. Maybe the world ceases to exist, maybe it doesn't and it's its own thing. I have my theories of course, but acknowledge I don't know how this sector of the multiverse works, nor do I need to. You say it's okay for yourself now and it will be, and that's more than enough for it to not be selfish. If you're willing to let yourself go somewhere, then let go. Approval had been given a long time ago when you decided to go another place.

But if it does, I can safely say they'll move on without you. They'll do whatever they'll do. Go through grief. The suffering. You also miss out on the healing. The smiles. The moments in the future of whatever timeline that is. It's bittersweet. You won’t know what happens or what's happening to them, but you have to trust yourself as you right. This is the wish: that's what you can respect. That this other you might not make it the way you wish them to, but they will have lived and that’s more than what the universe can ever ask for with a shifter. As a shifter. To exist. To manifest. To shift. To be.

[i-still-mask-because]

ok so i read a lot of things from other Covid conscious people about masking as community care and why it’s important to steer the conversation away from individualism, and I really do believe in that, and I worry so much about the people I see who don’t wear masks or take covid precautions

BUT i’m also absolutely petrified of developing any other health conditions because I already have several (not immune related & they don’t make me super high risk for covid) chronic pain/disabilities and i can barely deal with them as it is. & i feel like because i mask around literally everyone including housemates, there’s such a low risk of me passing anything on to other people that i don’t really need to worry about it? which only kind of makes sense so i try to check that thought when it comes up

I’m worried that my Covid precautions are just coming from a place of individualism anyways and maybe if I really cared about community care as much as i should, I wouldn’t be so focused on my own personal health?

and sometimes i feel like i’m “better” than my friends who won’t mask Anywhere (except in a car with me bc i asked them to) but if it’s all just coming from self-preservation, i worry i’m just as bad. (& obviously this is nuanced too, like i’m trying to talk to them abt this and understand their points of view in a way that makes space for them to join me in being covid-conscious but it’s arguably not accomplishing shit. too early to tell)

sorry this is very longg but basically i’m just wondering if you have any advice or thoughts on that, & how to be less individualist in my covid safety? thank u for everything you do on this blog, it means so much to me <3

Hey there 👋🏾

I don't think it's individualist if the main reason you mask is for self-preservation. There's a lot of people that are masking because they need to for their own self-preservation. And that doesn't make the choice to mask a self-centered, every-man-for-himself decision. It's just self-preservation, which is necessary. I'd rather hang out with someone that's masking because they know they cannot risk another covid infection over someone that dropped masking because, "It is what it is man, I just wanna live my life!". I think the fact that you want to survive is important, and you should give yourself credit for that. And from the outside looking in, you going out in public with a mask is community care in and of itself because there's without a doubt someone that needed the protection you're giving them.

In regards to you feeling like you're better than your friends; I honestly get it. I don't necessarily think I'm more superior than anyone for masking, but I get the feeling of feeling proud of myself for still staying strong in keeping up masking despite all the odds and alienation. And I get feeling good about being well-informed and prepared. You mentioned that you've been trying to get them on the same page as you, but it's been feeling like pulling teeth; I absolutely get how you're feeling. If you feel like this is impacting the way you perceive your friends, I think taking time to sit with and process the kind of dynamic you want with your friends could be helpful, and working from there. I wish I could suggest some covid-cautious counselors who may also understand for you to talk to, but I'm really not sure of anyone right now 😭 (if someone happens to know, please feel free to share!)

Anyone else is free to share their thoughts and suggestions, of course!

[boobabietch]

hi there! i saw that now you’re writing for gwen stacy so can i ask for dating gwen hcs?? thanks!!!

Dating Gwen hcs | Gwen Stacy x Reader

Warnings: suggestive in the slightest bit but mostly pure fluff

A/N: oh my god i can’t even explain why was this so hard to write!! I just had the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had but a million years later it’s finally here! I love this woman so so much so I really want you guys to like this post as much as I liked it!! So if you enjoyed this a like, comment or reblog would be amazing also don’t stop requesting bc I live, laugh, love for your requests. As I always say english is not my first language so if there are any mistakes please please tell my so I can change them asap. Love Sof :)

Word count: 995

This woman is literally two different people, Spider-Woman and Gwen, and they are completely different 

Spider-woman is super cool and badass with this heavy girlboss energy 

And let’s face it, Gwen is normally a very awkward person (this is said with the very best intentions!).

So let’s talk about Gwen for a moment 

When you guys started dating, I JUST KNOW that Gwen was super shy.

This woman had only two (2) friends in her life, and there is no sign of a romantic relationship before you, so for her, it was like walking on eggshells 

I feel like it takes some time for her to really open up and be 100% comfortable and not super self-conscious.

Due to her complicated relationship with her father and the Peter incident, she tends to be very bad speaking about her feelings, and that can lead to some troubles during your relationship 

But don’t get me wrong, she means well!! She loves you, and even if speaking about what she’s feeling is hard she really tries to be good for you

I’m a firm believer that Gwen’s love language is quality time and physical affection, but I’m going to elaborate on quality time a lil bit:

Her favorite moments of the day are the ones she shares with you, she is never happier than when she’s with you 

She really likes taking you on dates!!

Most of the time is nothing really fancy like a dinner date or something like that, she enjoys casual dates a lot more

I like to think that she’s a simple girl, her life is a complicated tangled mess, so she really likes to be able to relax, just you and her and that it’s enough 

Loves movie dates!! 

Most of the time she lets you choose whatever you guys are going to watch because she knows that 90% of the time she is not going to pay attention to the screen at all because she will be looking at you, your little reactions to the movie playing, your little laughs, smiles and confused stares at the screen, she loves capturing all those little details of yourself, so she can imagine them when she’s in a complicated situation and needs comfort 

 

Oh god, she is CLINGY asffff

She might even be touch starved

When you guys are alone, she’s all over you

Hugging you from behind when you're cooking (because I know this girl doesn’t know how to cook for shit, so you always do it for her) pecking the back of your neck occasionally just to see the goosebumps form on your skin

She likes laying her head on your chest when you are laying on her bed and talking about your day, bonus points if you play with her hair cause she’ll turn into putty immediately

Gwen loves kissing you.

Any kind of kiss, she is weak for that, she loves the feeling of your lips on hers, her lips on every inch of your body, or even your lips in every inch of her body, it grounds her, she likes the intimacy of this acts because it’s something she only does with you, and you only do it with her, she likes that.

She is a big fan of making out with you.

At first, she is a little hesitant with physical touch, always scared that one wrong step and she’ll make you uncomfortable 

But once your relationship grows stronger, she sees that there is something so comfortable about being in her or your room, bodies pressed together, heavy breathing, and messy kisses being the soundtrack of the evening just enjoying the feeling of her lips on yours, not caring about anything at all 

If you play with the hair on the nape of her neck while making out, oh. my. God. She’s in fucking heaven 

She can get a little carried away while making out, she usually ends up straddling your lap with her hands under your shirt, caressing your bare skin 

I just know this woman is super vocal!! So when you’re making out and there’s people home, loud music or a loud movie is A MUST, she doesn’t want people thinking you guys are doing other things, or she doesn’t want people to know you are actually doing other things…

She lives this super stressful and chaotic life, and she finds a LOT of comfort cuddling with you, before sleeping, in the morning, after a stressful day, as aftercare, etc

She. Loves. Cuddles.

She’s the little spoon (ofc she is) cause let’s think about it, she saves New York from falling apart every day; she takes care of everyone and everything, so she really likes to feel like someone’s taking care of her, that someone being you, ofc. 

So she always goes to your place after a long day, goes straight to bed, and just buries her face in the crevice of your neck and entangles her legs with yours while you hug her extra tightly.

And honestly speaking, that is home for her.

Gwen is a very shy person, so she’s not really fond of PDA, she thinks it’s uncomfortable and a lil bit disrespectful if you go to far

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t engage in any kind of physical affection in public, she’s just more subtle

Hand holding and cheek kisses FOR THE WIN!!

Being with her means a lot of wound tending, physically and emotionally 

But at the end of the day, you are the most precious thing in her life, and she would go to far extents to make you feel good in every aspect

You love her, and she loves you, and she wouldn’t even dare to ruin that 

I love this girl so much it’s ridiculous :((

Anywayssss

Requests are: Open!

Masterlist

[finnsbubblegum]

More Than Life (Joel Miller x Reader)

Pairing: post-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: 18+, reference to smut, fluff, sweet joel, protective joel, violence, mentions of cannibalism, age gap (reader is in her 20s and Joel is in his 50s) (lmk if i missed any)

Summary (Series): You were popular in Jackson but you have been single your whole life. Despite many men flirting with you, you have never found your ideal type. Until one day, you saw Joel and you fell in love at first sight.  But he felt insecure.

Summary: Pov: You went to join Joel on patrol without his knowledge. Who knows what happens next?

Words count: 2k

A/N: This is part 6 for I Don’t Deserve You series. But it can also be read as a standalone. Hope you like it!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

11.49

You were pacing back and forth in your living room waiting for Joel. 11 more minutes and your birthday would be over. You would be disappointed if you didn’t spend your birthday with him. Birthdays were always a thing for you, especially this was your first birthday since you were dating Joel. But on the other side, you were also worried that something bad happened. Which might be the reason why he was late. 

*knock on the door*

You ran to your door and opened it. 

“Sorry, I’m late.” Joel was panting. 

He looked really tired. You knew he came straight to your house right after patrol. He was full of sweat as he didn’t even have the time to take a shower.

“Thank God you’re here. I thought something bad happened to you.” You jumped to hug him.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” He hugged you tight. You kissed him.

“I-Ugh-I didn’t have the time to take a shower. I’m dirty.” He put his hand behind his neck.

“I don’t care. What matters is that you’re here with me.” You took his hand and dragged him inside.

“I got you somethin’.” He took off his backpack.

“You got me a present?” Your eyes widened. You loved getting presents.

“Happy birthday, darlin’.” Joel took out something from his bag and gave it to you.

“A book? How did you get it?” You wondered.

“Found it at an abandoned house during patrol. Haven’t seen that one on your bookshelf. Thought you might like it. Heard it was a famous one.” 

“Jane Eyre?” You read the title and the summary behind the book.

“Interesting. I love it. Thank you so much, Joel.” You hugged him again and kissed him.

“You really need to stop hugging me now. I’m being self-conscious. I’m smelly.” He chuckled.

You didn’t care what he said. Instead, you moved closer to him and sniffed him like a puppy, teasing him.

“Stop it.” He laughed.

“Wish I could go out and find more books.” You started that conversation again.

“I’ll get you more when I go on patrol.” He sighed.

“But I-” Joel cut you.

“We’re not talking about this again. You know what my answer is. The answer is always no. End of conversation.” His expression changed from happy to angry.

You stayed quiet.

“Are we clear?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Yes.” You replied coldly.

“Repeat it.” 

“Clear.” You rolled your eyes.

You didn’t listen to Joel this time. Instead, you found Liam who was responsible for making the patrolling schedules. You asked him about Joel’s and you applied to join. You told him not to tell Joel as you were keeping this as a secret from Joel. You practiced your shooting skills until it was the day of your first patrol. 

“Why are you here?” Joel furrowed his brows.

“I’m here for patrol.” You acted dumb.

“What?” He raised his voice.

You avoided his eyes. 

“Did you not remember what I told you? How did you even-” 

“Well, it’s too late, Joel. I’m here now. I’ve prepared myself. I’ll be fine.” You insisted.

“Fine. Just stick with me. Understand?” 

“Yes, sir.”

You and Joel rode the same horse. You put your arms around his waist and rested your head on his back. That day, you went on groups with Joel, Noah, and Sam. Noah was the leader for the day.

“Okay, so we’re gonna split here. I’ll go check north with Joel. Sam, you go south with (y/n). We’ll meet here in 4 hours then we’ll go east and west.” Noah commanded.

“I’m sorry, Noah. But (y/n) needs to go with me. I need to keep my eye on her.” Joel added.

“I’m not a kid, Joel. I’ll go with Sam. We’ll meet you here.” You gestured to Sam to ride the horse with you.

Nothing bad happened while you were patrolling with Sam. You wondered why Joel didn’t allow you to patrol. Was he lying to you? You wondered why he wouldn’t let you see the beautiful nature outside Jackson walls. 

“Hi there!” Two men suddenly showed up.

Sam stopped the horse. You grabbed your gun and aimed at them. 

“We’re not a threat.” The strangers said.

You and Sam got off the horse and talked to them. You tied the horse at the tree.

“Can we help you?” Sam asked.

“Yes, we’re hungry. We have a group with us and we need something to eat.”

“Well, we don’t have food with us now. But we can get you something.” Sam answered.

“Or we can help you hunt here?” You added as you saw they didn’t look like they had any weapons.

���Sure, thank you so much.” 

Sam and you walked in front of them and turned into hunting mode. You had never hunted before so you just followed Sam. 

*Sam screamed*

You turned to look and you saw the two men stabbed Sam from behind. 

“Sam!” You looked at him as he fell to the ground. You grabbed your gun and aimed at the men.

“Back off!” You shouted.

“Easy, pretty girl. We’re not gonna kill you. We need your friend to fill our stomach. But you.. You’re pretty so you can give something else to us.” The stranger smirked.

“Go! Run! Get Joel and Noah!” Sam shouted.

You hesitated to leave him but you knew you couldn’t fight these two men alone. So you ran. Hoping Sam would still be alive when you got back there with help.

“Get her alive!” The stranger shouted at his friend.

Both of them ran behind you to catch you. You ran as fast as you could. Your friend’s life was on the line and so did yours. You ran and got to your horse. 

“Come on! Go!” You yelled at the horse and it ran. 

You ran north and you were losing them. It was a bit far until you saw Joel’s and Noah’s figure. 

“Joel! Joel!” You shouted.

“Did you hear that?” Noah asked Joel.

“What?” Joel was deaf one ear so he didn’t hear you.

“Joel! Help!” Your horse kept running.

“That’s (y/n)!” Noah looked back.

“Fuck!” Joel panicked.

You finally got to them. You immediately got off the horse and ran to Joel’s embrace. 

“What happened? Where’s Sam?” Noah panicked too.

“There’s-there’s some men- He’s hurt- We need to save him!” You screamed.

“Hey, hey. You okay? You hurt? Anythin’?” Joel checked you up and down.

You panted and shook your head. The three of you walked towards the south going back to save Sam.

“Oh my God. It’s them.” You saw the two men running near you.

“Stay behind me.” Joel shoved you behind him and got ready with his rifle. Noah did the same.

“My friend here told me you hurt our friend. Where is he?” Noah pointed his gun to the strangers.

“Easy, easy. We’re just here for the girl. Just give us the pretty girl and we’ll give you back your friend.” One of the strangers tried to bargain.

“Joel…” You pulled Joel’s shirt from the back.

He glanced at you for a second and looked back at the strangers.

“That’s not gonna happen.” He growled.

“What? Is she your daughter or something?” The other men scoffed.

“You better be careful of what you say next.” Joel’s blood boils. His grip on the rifle got tighter.

“All of us are men. I’m sure you know what we need. Especially that pretty girl right there has a fucking sexy body. She’s probably a slut that all of you have fucked. Why don’t you share with us?”

You were shaking. You were scared. You just understood why Joel insisted on you not going out for patrol. You should have listened to him in the first place. 

“You want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Joel’s patience was running out.

“What’s that?” The stranger got cocky.

“I’ll let you go if you apologize to her right now.” Joel gave them an option.

“Or what?” The stranger laughed.

“Or this will be a bloodbath.” Joel gave them a death stare.

“Just apologize, man.” Noah was nervous. He knew what Joel was capable of.

“All of this just for the slut?” The stranger laughed.

*gunshot*

Joel couldn’t hold himself. He shot him at the leg. Noah fought the other guy.

“Apologize!” He yelled at the guy and pressed the wound.

“You’re not gonna kill me.” He was still cocky.

Joel shot him again at the other leg. 

“Fine! Fine! I’m sorry!” He cried.

“For what!” Joel yelled at his face.

“Sorry for calling you a slut!” He apologized while looking at you.

You flinched when Joel shot him at the head after he apologized. You were trembling and speechless. 

“No!” The other guy cried.

Joel's breathing was heavy and he looked to the other guy that Noah was holding. He shot him dead. 

“Joel! What the fuck!” Noah yelled.

“Let’s get Sam. Where is he?” Joel didn’t care he killed them. They were threats. 

“He-he-he’s there.” You guided Joel and Noah to Sam.

“Sam!” You ran to him.

“You’re gonna be okay. We’re safe now.” You cradled him.

The four of you went back to Jackson and got Sam help. Then you and Joel went home.

*Joel slammed the door*

You flinched. You were avoiding having conversation with Joel since what happened on patrol.

“What the fuck were you thinkin’?!” Joel yelled at you.

Your hands started to shake. You had never seen him like this before.

“I told you it was dangerous! Why are you being so stubborn!” 

“I-I’m sorry.” You stepped back from him. Tears welling in your eyes.

“You’re never going anywhere closer to the gate. Ever! You hear me!” He raised his voice.

You nodded as you wiped your tears from your cheeks. 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose, looked up, closed his eyes, and sighed. He took a deep breath in and out trying to calm himself down. Meanwhile, you were just standing there frozen. You were too scared to move.

“Baby, I-I’m sorry.” He apologized.

You just nodded and kept crying. 

“Come here.” He stepped closer to hug you but you instinctively stepped back.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry. I would never hurt you.” He slowly walked closer and hugged you.

“I just-I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve lost the people I loved and I don’t want to lose one again. I swear on my life, I will never fall in love again. Not after losing Sarah, Sarah’s mom, Tess. Losing someone I love is the last thing I want to have in this fucked up world. But then I met you. You changed me. You make me believe that there’s still hope. Love. Happiness. I will protect you with my life no matter what happens. I love you more than my life. You should know that.” He stroked your head up and down.

You started sobbing and hyperventilating at his words.

“I love you, too.” You mumbled at his chest. 

Joel cupped your cheeks and kissed your forehead. He looked at you through your eyes as his thumb wiped your tears from your cheeks.

“Are we cool now?” His voice was now softer.

You nodded and rested your head on his chest. 

The night carried on with you and Joel having make-up sex in your bedroom.

Joel groaned as he fell on top of you catching his breath. He came inside you. 

“Did you just cum inside me?” Your hands were resting on his back.

Joel froze for a second.

“You forgot to pull out.” You repeated.

“Shit.” He got up and sat facing you as you propped yourself with your elbow facing him.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“I mean-You gotta have a lot of sex to get pregnant right?” You needed assurance from him.

Having a child and being a mother was always your dream. That was why you chose to teach kids. But this was not how you wanted to have kids. You didn’t want to have kids by mistake. You wanted to have kids when both partners agreed.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” He assured you.

“I’m sorry.” Joel put his hand on his forehead and apologized again.

“It’s okay.” 

“You have to tell me if something happens okay?” 

“You mean if I get pregnant.” You smirked.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.” 

“Okay.”

To be continued…

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Taglist:

@nyotamalfoy @stevengmybeloved @happinessinthebeing @angelicbbsblog @aheadfullofsteverogers @mxtokko @bebe07011

[ivy-loves-chocolate]

Hi! Can I get uhhhhhh- a yandere Albert Wesker with a shy reader? Please and thank you!

Sure anon!! I hope you like it. 

Wesker would probably prefer this type of reader because it will be easier to get under their skin. He knows how to approach someone shy, and he'll do it by acting like a nice guy, meaning that he will compliment you a lot and be constantly around you as reassurance. It's worth saying that his job would be a lot simpler since he gets to be around you all the time, and you won't mind because you actually enjoy his presence as he gives you comfort and a much needed feeling of safety.

When you get self-conscious about yourself, he'll be right behind you to cheer you up and support you. When you are too shy to enter a room full of people, he will offer to enter first, and since he is tall, you agree as no one will notice you.

You'll benefit a lot from his constant presence, and you won't feel his obsessive behavior at all. In fact, you’ll be grateful to find him at every corner.

You will find it weird when he knows some things about you that you haven’t told him yet. However, you'll get over it because it only happens on rare occasions and when Wesker is as excited as he is around you.

I’ll go in two different directions here, you choose. 

A tame one: 

Let’s say that you don’t get freaked out at some point, and your relationship grows into something more.

After expressing your disbelief regarding your own skills as a scientist, Wesker would drop everything and come to assist you. He’d hug you, and even place small kisses all over your face. You find these gestures reassuring.

"What if I don't live up to the standards." You began to speak in a shaky voice as you were on the verge of crying.

"No, no, sweetheart, you’re amazing, really! Sometimes you amaze me as well."

"That’s a lie, you say that to make me feel better."

"C’mon, look at me," he’d grab your chin to make you look at him. "You are amazing, and I say this with my whole heart." His hands would then cup your face, and his fingers would caress your cheeks. Feeling his warm hands on your face makes you feel safe, and you close your eyes, allowing his sweet words to overtake you.

"And I will never say hurtful things to you. I care about you. I will always take care of you."

His grip tightened a little, but you didn’t notice as he managed to calm you.

"Always."

His mission ends once he has successfully gotten under your skin and made you completely dependent on him.

An angsty one: 

Let’s say you figured something was wrong because he seemed to be your only best friend and people you knew suddenly disappeared from your circle or stopped talking with you.

The presence that once soothed you is now making you very uncomfortable.

You try to put some distance between the two of you, but it’s useless, as it seems that he’s getting closer and closer to you, to the point where he’s suffocating.

"Was he always like this?" You began to ask yourself as paranoia invaded your brain.

At some point, you started to feel like you were being followed, so you did the right thing and asked for a transfer. It gets approved, but you don’t make it to the airport. Instead, you’re being drugged, and you wake up in a strange place. After wandering around for a while, you realize it’s Wesker’s house.

"But it can’t be, I haven’t talked with him in months." Well, too bad, he knew every detail of your life, even if he appeared distant.

The place is nice, but it’s isolated. There are no phones, no TVs, and no radios.

You’ll be 100% convinced that he’s insane when he tries to justify his actions. He’ll say that he needs you, and that you need him too. He’d say that he was a good influence in your life and that the others don’t know how to threaten you properly. He also keeps repeating the word "forever."

"You will forever be mine"; "We will be together forever."; "Your place is to stay forever next to me." 

You will eventually learn to love him. You don't have any other choice. 

taglist: @shadow-wolf510 @cassie-todd @ravenrune

[abigails-gf]

abby anderson x fem reader.

warnings: self-h*rm scars, hints of smut at the end.

reader feels self-conscious about her scars, abby reassures her.

a/n: i've had a hard time finding the right words to write this (so it might not be the best), but i still hope it comforts someone out there. the way you cope does not define who you are as a person. each one of you is a lovely individual, i'm sure. my dms are open if you need to talk. be safe.

it was early in the afternoon and you were still in bed. abby had gone to work early this morning, kissing you on the forehead before leaving. once the door closed you got up just to put on a hoodie, not wanting to see your arms for the rest of the day.

when abby came back home, you stayed silent until she found her way to the bedroom. “baby..” she said softly, walking closer to you. “you haven’t moved since i left?” you shook your head.

she sat at the edge of the bed, next to you, her hand finding its way to your back. “what’s wrong? havin’ a hard day?” you nodded. “why are you wearing a sweater when it’s warm in here? everything okay?” she looked at you, worried that you might’ve be hiding something from her. you looked at her and smiled a little. “don’t worry, abs. didn’t do anything bad. i promise.” she smiled back at you, kissing your forehead.

“what’s wrong then? talk to me.” you sighed and sat up. you started playing nervously with your fingers, looking down at them. “it’s just – i didn’t want to see my arms or my body today. that’s it.”

“why’s that, baby?” you shook your head, taking a deep breath. “my body is a constant reminder of what happened – of the bad things that happened. anytime i look down – i remember why i did each lines. and i hate myself for it.” you looked up at abby, tears forming in the corner of your eyes.

she took your hands in hers. “my sweet girl...” she whispered. “those are a reminder that you fought to survive.” she looked at you, squeezing your hands. “that’s how you dealt with the shit life threw at you at the time. that’s how you made it this far.” you looked down at your hands.

“but – they will always be there. i have to live with them now. each time i go out, people stare at them and – even for you, i don’t know. maybe you think i’m crazy because i did that or that i’m ugly. i mean, you could have someone who’s not a pain in the ass.” you started to cry.

“oh, baby..” she hugged you. “who cares what people think? you’re here, alive. that’s what matters now.”

abby pulled away, kissing your cheeks. “and you’re not crazy or ugly – you’re my girl. you’re not a pain in the ass either. y/n, you make me happy. and i’m so thankful to have you in my life. sure, sometimes life will throw some shit at us, but we’re together to deal with them. you’re not alone, angel. we’re together in this.”

“i know. i’m sorry.” you said quietly. “don’t apologize. you did nothing wrong. your mind’s being mean to you today, that’s all. and if you want to hide your scars, you could get tattoos to cover them if you’d like. but you don’t have to be ashamed. that’s how you made it here today. at the time, that’s how your brain kept you alive. you tried your best. and you’re here. they’re battle scars.”

“i love you, abby.” you kissed her. “i love you too, sweet thing.” she smiled against your lips. she kissed you back, gently. her hands cupped your wet cheeks as your hands found their way to the back of her neck.

“is it okay if we take off your – wait, that’s my hoodie, you thief!” you both laughed before she took the hoodie off your body. she took it of slowly, her hands making contact with your skin.

you were now topless. “is it okay if i kiss your neck?” she asked. you nodded. she left soft kisses on your neck, slowly making her way to your shoulder and then your arm. she took your arm in her hand and you looked at her lips leaving gentle kisses on the white lines on your arm. “my pretty girl. prettiest girl in the world. strongest girl i’ve known.” you blushed at her words.

she looked back at you, kissing your forehead. “d’you want kisses anywhere else, sweet girl?”

abby made sure you felt good this afternoon. she kissed your body, taking her sweet time kissing your inner thighs. she praised you a bunch, reminding you how much you mattered to her and how much she loved you. “’m so lucky to have you in my life, angel. i love you s’much.” she said, kissing your stomach.

little did she know – you were the lucky one here. she loved you so much and showed it to you everyday through little actions. she didn’t care about your scars, or how your body looked. she loved you for you. she loved you more than anything.

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Entry 19: Normal Straight Jacket

Bearblr Promptober Day 19: Only One Bed

Summary: Carmy and Sydney get stuck with one hotel room on a conference in New York, and Carmy is suffering for it. (908 words)

Warnings: Swearing, chronic pain, mentions of drug use (no characters use drugs), Carmy is very self-conscious, mentions of fem reader/rando lass who is a trauma surgeon, she/her pronouns.

Notes: All journal entries will be titled as such and tagged with #cb journal.

Thank you for reading. Thank you to @carmenberzattosgf for putting together this prompt list. Sideblog for commentary and yapping: @m-z-shoroi

Also, if random letters or words are black/white instead of the colors they should be, that's Tumblr being dumb, I've been fighting it for days.

19 Oct 2024

I’m going to rethink acts of chivalry for the rest of my life.

So, Syd and I are at the conference in New York. I asked Sugar to do all the booking for our trip because (a) I don’t have time for this shit, (b) I’m going to fuck it up anyway because non-kitchen logistics are not my thing, and (c) Syd was already up to her eyeballs looking for new line cooks because we had a second fucking person disappear right at the start of service to go smoke crack in the back alley.

God's still a sadist, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, Sug did everything right. Like she got us rooms walking distance from the venue, so we didn’t have to put up with a rental car and all that shit, but the hotel fucked up our booking. They double-booked my room, they’re packed, the other person showed up 2 hours earlier than we did, so guess who doesn’t have a fucking room now?

At least they refunded us 75% of our booking for the massive inconvenience. More for Cicero.

So, we got one room. One bed, a shitty little table that rocks back and forth so bad that just interacting with it makes me want to hurl it out the window—not that it matters anyway because there’s only one chair—and a couch. Oh, and one bathroom. One shower. I lived on a houseboat in Copenhagen with the shittiest little shower you can’t even imagine to avoid this exact roommate scenario because being around other people, I swear to fuck, drives me fucking crazy.

I need to be able to get away from peoples’ eyes. There are few greater hells than being witnessed at all hours, than being scrutinized for your peculiarities and faults like you’re a lab rat being assessed for the gas chamber or some exotic breed of slug some random fucko put in a petri dish to poke with a stick. Every little weird thing I do—the incessant fiddling with objects, drumming my fingers, touching my face way too often to be remotely fucking normal, muttering to myself as I figure out something complicated, even writing in this fucking notebook—I become painfully aware of all of it. There’s this straight jacket on how to be “normal” that gets cinched around me—not of my own will. I fucking wish I could be as unapologetically myself as Fak is—and it ratchets tighter and tighter until it feels like my own skin is too tight on my body, and I need to get the fuck out of dodge. Kitchens are brutal and fast paced enough that I don’t have time to be a fucking weirdo and no one has time to pay any attention to me, but a conference? The funeral dinner at Ever (which I had to sit still for lest everyone at that table think I’m tweaking)? A fucking random fucking hotel room in fuck-off New York with Syd of all beings?

Darling, I feel a lot better around, but even now, she understands that I just need space and time to not be observed. It’s why we still don’t quite live together even though I know she wants to move in. More accurately, move me out, because those stupid fucking radiators and the idiot fucking landlord… Anyway, I’m on this dumbass couch because I’m short enough to fit on it (one point for being a short bitch, I guess) and Syd’s sound asleep because if I had to argue about who went where for one more fucking second, I might’ve bitten her head off, which would’ve set up an even more miserable day two than the one we’ll have anyway tomorrow.

She also still doesn’t know that my back is fucked up. And bringing it up now would’ve just made me seem like an asshole, or she would’ve gotten mad for not telling her sooner (which is fair, by the way. I definitely should’ve told her sooner), but we are now here and here is a couch that only looks nice. It feels like it’s full of sawdust or something. The grimy-ass floor might have more cushion to it. And the texture is this awful cheap polyester that whistles when I shift at all.

My back is killing me. Between the flight, then the first day of the conference (mostly sitting), and then this shit, it feels like I’ve got knives in it. Stretching didn’t help. And I’m not asking Syd to stand on it like Darling does. The pain does this weird thing when it gets this bad; starts to feel like a being. Like some hideous, horrible creature festering under my skin, invading my bones; a putrid blossom—maybe that corpse flower, Titan arum—that threatened to burst from my spine. When it gets this bad, I find myself touching the spot over and over again, sometimes going to the mirror and pulling up my shirt to look at my unbroken skin, to reassure myself that nothing was there. Half the time, I expected to see a scar, something visible to explain why it hurt so much, something I could point to, something that had a story I could tell. But no. It just hurts. It hurts the same way most things hurt: the usual way.

Well, if I had to pick one of us to be tired and the other to be well-rested tomorrow, I’d pick it like this.