#like she probably had Thoughts about the fact that moms parents had recently gotten divorced and such

[violasmirabiles]

ok i lied. one picture cos it makes me laugh how much this space here looks like "heres where id put my tv if i had a tv". im gonna put some pictures on that wall eventually. like big and framed. posters. the aladdin sane cover one because obviously and that blue/purple pyramid thing that came with the pink floyd dark side of the moon 30th anniversary vinyl edition. well see.

apartment update: still no pictures cos everythings still Ass but that old desk of my sister in laws thats very nice and all but kind of on the way is gon a go to my old room in my parents house. and in its place im gonna get my old bookshelf from my old room. in my parents house

[tjalexandernyc]

Not sure why so many people are getting nostalgic over Claire's at the moment but if you'd like to hear my personal Claire's ear piercing story here it is.

I'm 40 years old so I grew up in peak '90s mall culture. Claire's was a standard stop on any mall visit along with The Rave, Auntie Anne's, and the sketchy arcade. Despite the ubiquity of Claire's and its cheap ear piercing, I never got my ears pierced until I was... probably 15 or maybe 14. I don't know how I escaped it for so long; most of my girl friends had their ears pierced either as an infant or at least before they were tweens. I suspect it was a combination of me being a little nonbinary baby who didn't want to wear earrings in both ears but couldn't articulate why, so I never asked for them; the fact that my mom was thrifty and never offered; and my grandmother's penchant for clip-on earrings, since she'd also never gotten her ears pierced. I think when she was growing up in the 1920s it was seen as slutty? Anyway IF I was required to wear earrings for a fancy occasion there were plenty of grandma's sitting around the place.

But when I was 14 or 15, I was at the mall with my father. I don't remember why we were at the mall together. We rarely did anything together, and even now are not especially close. I vaguely remember my childhood best friend being there too. We must have been waiting for someone or something (maybe a movie at the attached theater?) and had some time to kill.

I think my dad must have offered to buy us some earrings we were examining at one of the kiosks, because I remember having to explain to him that I didn't have pierced ears. My dad famously misremembered things about me, like thinking I'd had braces when it was my older brother, not me, who needed them. He was shocked. He must have assumed I'd gotten them pierced at some point, but I told him no, it never happened. He offered to pay for the piercing at Claire's right then and there.

I don't know if I can explain how it felt, that offer. I was largely ambivalent about piercings. I knew, as most '90s kids did, that there was a Gay Ear that some guys wore earrings in, but no one seemed to agree which one it was. I have a visceral memory, down to knowing exactly which seat I was in, when a kid in the elementary school lunchroom got a cheap clip on pirate earring stuck on his earlobe and was mercilessly taunted for it being on the Gay Ear. I both wanted piercings so I could figure out which of my ears, if any, were gay. I simultaneously didn't want anyone putting holes in me. I craved visibility and invisibility in equal measure. I wanted to do something with my dad, since we never did things together. I didn't want to spend my own money on ear piercing, which my father spoke of like some inevitable event. I wanted to talk to my best friend about all this alone even though I knew she would not understand.

I ended up getting my ears pierced at Claire's that day. The 18 year old cashier who was manning the piercing gun made one puncture slightly off center compared to the other. I picked out a pair of cubic zirconia studs, which I thought weren't as girly as the others. After the piercings healed I started wearing earrings pretty much every day and amassed a huge collection of them. I did that up until I came out a few years ago.

I don't wear earrings often anymore but when I do it's usually just one dangly transguy-esque piece or a single hoop. I put it in the same ear that the kid in the lunchroom did. I haven't thought about my father in relation to my piercings for a very long time, until recently, when the Claire's memes reminded me. I think there's probably a lot of pop psychology mud to dig through there if someone cared to. I don't.

My father and I talk a couple times a year now, usually brokered by my mom. He has pierced ears, by the way, three in each ear. I don't remember when that happened. I'd like to think it was around the time my parents got divorced. I'd like to think it was circa 1997. I'd like to think it happened the way I know it didn't, in a way that even our combined shit memories couldn't conjure: that we both got gunned at the Claire's at the mall, ears red and puffy, before getting a cinnamon sugar pretzel to split. It didn't happen that way, but god I wish it had.

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[nishisun]

suna rintaro is NOT a genius.

summary: you loved the idea of soulmates. suna rintaro didn’t. it isn’t that hard to put two and two together to realize that maybe people with different opinions on things don’t belong together.

part 2

a/n: this was literally supposed to be a series, i gave up on it because i just didn’t like the way it turned out. it used to be called “out of my league” and this was the intro. i also renamed it. just emptying drafts!! please don’t get confused with the random timeskip, once again, this was a part of a series i never ended up posting😭

WARNING!!: suggestive themes, mentions of death, idk kinda angsty but tell me if i missed anything

Soulmates. Whatever the hell that means. The idea of soulmates is something I truly don’t understand. It’s bullshit, honestly. It’s all-pervasive.

My mother always told me I'd eventually find "the one.” I used to believe that when I was younger of course. But in my opinion? It’s all cliches. It's unhelpful, and it's certainly not true. Destiny is an excuse for the weak. Why do you think most marriages end in divorce? It's 'cause people who believe they are “destined to be" assume everything will fall into place without any effort. I don't appreciate people pontificating bullshit like that just to make me feel better, especially if they haven't found their "soulmate" themselves. My sister once told me, “People who believe in soulmates are more likely to break up and encounter more difficulty in their relationship, which will lead them to give up on one another eventually.”

I sure do believe that.

My mother is a prime example. Fumeiko Suna, my dear mother. Well, she clearly hasn’t found hers. I found out when I came home after a tedious day of school in 5th grade and found my dear mother on the floor crying, with bruises all over her face and a busted lip.

Initially, I thought a burglar had broken into our home once again, but if that were the case then there would’ve been missing furniture. But there wasn’t.

In fact, the place seemed cleaner than usual. When I ran up to her and asked her what had happened, there he was. The devil himself. My father. He reeked of alcohol, and I could detect his shadow towering over me. It’s funny how that I think of it. I used to fear that son of a bitch. Now, I’m way taller than him, and hate his guts. I turned around to see a faux-sympathetic smile plastered on his face.

He explained how my mother was being “clumsy” and had fell and busted her lip on one of the corners of the kitchen table and when I turned back around to face my mother, she smiled gently and nodded in agreement. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was then I realized my father had beat my mother to a pulp.

Long story short, when I found it was my father, sure, I was frightened. In fact, I remember going into my siblings’ rooms to inform them, they shrugged it off and told me that dad had been doing it for a while now.

Over time, when my dad had found out that I was aware, he didn't mind beating the absolute shit out of my mother in front of all three of us. This was when my burning hatred for that man started. Nobody in the house even attempted to stop him. I did a few times, though. He took all his anger out on me. At least my mom had a break for the day.

I almost pitied my mother. Almost. Maybe if she was strong enough to leave him, then yeah, I’d feel bad. But she still decides to stay with his sorry ass. It’s pathetic. It’s unrequited love or whatever you call it. How could she still love that asshole?

I mean, I’m not even going to lie, I’m an asshole too, but I’m definitely not my dad. I would never want to be him. He’s not someone I looked up to, he doesn’t do anything inspirational. He’s a businessman. He travels the majority of the time, and I’m pretty sure my mom invites men over when he’s gone. I don’t care enough to find out. But if I ever hear some guy rearranging my mom’s guts, I’ll kill him. I don’t even blame my mother. What she’s doing is wrong, she knows it and so do both of my older siblings. But they don't seem to care so why should I?

Who knows why she just won’t leave him. Maybe it’s cause they don’t want to ruin how people view our “picture perfect” family. I wonder what they’d say. “I thought the Suna’s were the ideal family? I guess not.”

My dad would probably lose it if he heard that.

Both my mother and my father are the cause of this broken family of mine. They never fed me or any of my siblings the love we always desired when we were younger. They never came to any of my volleyball games when I was younger. They never applauded me for the little recitals we’d have in class in primary school. They were never even here for most of my childhood. They always put money first and left us with the housekeepers. Hell, the housekeepers probably know me better than my own parents.They failed as parents. I despise them for it. They’re most likely the reason I am the way I am, but to be honest?

I don’t give a fuck.

In fact, I should thank them! Because of how they “raised” me, i’m extremely blunt, which is why people respect me. I use the hatred I have for my family and take it out on people and no, I’m not proud of that. I may be a heartless asshole, but I like that people fear me. The hell? Does that make me a sadist? Either way, people know to never fuck with me cause I’d fuck their shit up. I’ve overheard many people say it’s ‘cause of my privilege. It probably is. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy you many other things.

If my parents were broke, I’d probably be expelled from school by now. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are forbidden on school property. I don’t even take them at school, I somewhat care about my education and health, but sometimes I just need to blow some steam. Even if I did, nobody’s gonna say shit since my dad is the head of Japan’s board of education. How did his ass even get there?

Call me lonely or cynical. Maybe I am. But how is that a bad thing? Why do people need a significant other to rely on? What, a soulmate is just going to turn my life upside down then suddenly bring me happiness? Pfft, I’m gonna need actual proof that shit like that still happens. I’ve only seen shit like that in fairy tale movies. It’s whatever, though. I can live with being alone. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and it isn’t as bad as people make it.

You loved the idea of having a soulmate. The thought of meeting someone who just understood you, accepted you for who you were, and most importantly, loved you excited you. You couldn’t wait to meet your soulmate.

But recently, you weren’t sure soulmates existed.

When your older sister, Akira, came into your room and burst into tears, it frightened you. Your older sister, the one who’d always provide you advice on relationships and how to keep one was in your room sobbing hysterically because hers hadn’t worked out.

“I just can't believe it,” she sobbed.

You couldn’t believe it either. Your sister had recently gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 9 years. They started dating at the age of 15 and managed to make things work out even after high school, and out of all those years of dating, they never broke up. Not even once.

They’d go on romantic dates on Saturdays and they’d always write love letters to one another every day, just to remind one another of how grateful they were to have each other in their lives. On Halloween, they’d dress up as fictional characters from TV shows and books and take cute selfies and bake a bunch of sweets. They’d invite you to come bake with them, but you would politely deny. You knew they were only offering so you wouldn’t feel left out, which you appreciated.

Of course, they’d argue every now and then, but at the end of the day, they always managed to talk things out. Oh to have a relationship like theirs. They were everything you wanted to have in a relationship and more.

“I really thought he was the one for me, y’know?” No, you don’t know. But that doesn't matter. What mattered was cheering your sister up.

“Maybe he wasn’t ‘the one’ Akira, and that’s okay! People come and go all the time, soulmates come and go all the time as well-”

“You still believe soulmates are real, huh?” she let out a humorless laugh and sniffed her nose, “What If I missed my one shot at love, Y/N? What if I lost my soulmate?”

That’s some deep shit.

Now that you think about it, were soulmates real? Soulmates come and go, yes, you’re aware of that, but even though they leave, it’s always temporary. Soulmates always find a way back to their other half, the piece that completes them.

Your dad never made it back to your mother.

He died in a car crash 5 years ago. Your mother and father had been arguing because she claimed your father was cheating on her since he wouldn’t let her check his phone.

You were 13 at the time. Your sister Akira was accompanying you in your room, listening to them arguing back and forth with one another. There was furniture flying across the room, glass breaking, and both of them throwing curses at each other. You were scared. They never argued in front of you and your sister. They'd bicker sometimes, but it was never anything too deep.

Eventually, your father had enough of your mother’s false accusations, and out of anger, he packed his things and left home. For weeks. It wasn’t until one of your uncles called your mother and broke the news. She didn’t take it very well.

Late 2012-early 2013.

Not many people came to your father’s funeral, his family didn’t like the fact that he and your mother were together, they said your mother was trouble, but your dad still stayed with her, even if that meant it would completely destroy the bond he had with his family. Now that’s true love, you had thought. Only your mother, Akira, the Sunas, your uncle, and you, of course, attended the funeral.

It hurt a lot. It hurt when your mother informed both your grandparents on your mother and father’s side and all they could do is put the blame on her. It hurt how they had claimed you, Akira and your mother were a hindrance to your dear father’s well-being. How could they be so cruel at a time like this?

That was the first time you ever questioned if soulmates were real. Maybe they fell in love at the wrong time? Who knows.

After your father’s passing, Fumiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, was there to help your family out financially. Your mother couldn’t even find the motivating to go to work. Your mother and Fumiko have been best friends since junior high, they’ve literally been inseparable ever since. In fact, after they both got married, they decided to live right next to each other.

Your mom didn’t cope with your father’s death very well; none of you did. But your mom had it the worst.

She would cope with alcohol and clubbing which would always result in her bringing different men home almost every night. You didn’t say much about it, you thought it would be selfish to since that’s what seemed to make your mother feel better about herself, but your sister hated it. She was already 19 and in college at the time, but when she visited and found out that your mother had basically been neglecting you, she was furious.

“Seriously, mom? This is what you’re gonna do while your 13-year-old daughter is in her room having a literal mental breakdown because of your childish behavior?” Your sister had barged into your mother’s room when she thought you were asleep, she was screaming loud.

“You’re interrupting something important, Akira. You know better than to-”

“Oh, shut the hell up mom. You’re the last person on earth to be saying shit like that.”

“Well, if you’re done, you can leave my room now. You’re being disrespectful, and this behavior is not tolerated!” Your mother was screaming now. The man in the bed covering his body under the covers and looking back and forth between Akira and your mother.

“Sakiya, maybe you should hear your daughter out-”

“Not now.” your mother scarcely interrupted the man, eye contact never leaving Akira. “Y/N has never complained about this when you were in college. She knows this is my way of coping, why can’t you understand that too!”

Akira scoffed. “So what, getting fucked by random strangers you find on the filthy streets is your way of coping? Getting wasted every damn night to the point where Y/N has to drag you up to bed is okay with you? Do you even know how much this is affecting Y/N? Did you even bother asking her how she felt? I hate breaking it to you mom, but you need serious help.”

“You selfish child!” Your mother screamed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body, getting up from the bed. “How dare you say that to your own mother?”

“I’m only telling the truth! If you’re the mother, then it’s your job to be taking care of Y/N, not neglecting her. When’s the last time you’ve engross in an actual conversation with her when you were fully sober?”

Your mother was silent. She quickly walked up to Akira and grabbed her by the hair and slammed her headfirst against the wall.

“You’ve got a big mouth! Maybe I should wash it with soap like I did back in the day, hm?” Akira was attempting to push her mother away, but she wouldn’t let go of her grip. The man that was still on your mother’s bed was in panic, yelling her name, which didn’t have any effect. He might as well stop.

"Look," Akira mumbled, struggling to get away from your mother's grip, "I know it's been hard ever since dad left-"

“Mom! Let go of her!” You cried from the door of her room.

All 3 adults froze and looked at your glassy eyes, mouths wide open.

“Hey, kiddo, I thought you were asleep?” Akira playfully said, your mother let go of Akira and crossed her arms then looked away from you.

“Well, I can't really go to sleep when there’s a bunch of adults yelling about my well-being,” you muttered incoherently. You quickly wiped the uncontrollable tears off your face and sighed.

“Honey,” your mom started, she walked slowly to you, carefully examined your face, and attempted to hug you, but you didn’t accept the offer which made your mother frown. She stopped walking until she was almost face to face with you and placed a hand on your shoulder gently. “Baby, your sister told me that you weren’t happy. Is this true?”

You looked away from her and stared dully at the floor, subtly shifting your feet, then you softly shook your head “no.”

“See Akira, Y/N is happy. So please stop stressing her out.” Your mother said through gritted teeth, then faced you once again. “Y/N honey, how about I go tuck you into bed, hm? I’m so sorry for the excessive noise that was caused.”

“Mom, how clueless can you be? Y/N looks miserable! It’s unhealthy for Y/N to be living-“

Slap.

Your mother just slapped Akira on the face.

“I know what’s best for my daughter! I am her mother! You are not the one who should be telling me how to take care of my own kid!”

“That’s enough, Sakiya.” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Fumeiko-“

“It’s fine. Sakiya, we need to talk.” It was Fumeiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, also known as your next door neighbor. She had been standing in the hallways the whole time, you didn’t even know she was there. Akira was the one who called her over.

That night your mother agreed to get help for her drinking problem. She was gone for 6 months. During those 6 months, the Suna’s took you in since Akira would be in college and you couldn’t have been more grateful.

You and Rintaro were the only kids in the house, being that you both were the same age and the others were in college. It was okay, they were all very polite, dinners were awkward, you could feel some sort of tension between the family but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

When your mom finally came back, it was awkward at first. She still seemed the same, loving and caring, just sober and free of alcohol. It was nice. You two spent the weekends bonding at the mall, watching a movie, or even getting your nails done. Eventually, she gained your trust back, and you couldn’t have been happier.

January 2017.

“Akira, don’t say that. You may not believe me now, but you are such an amazing person, don’t ever think you’ll never find love again. It’s all about having a positive mindset!” you said, thoughtfully stroking her hair as her head laid on your chest.

“I told you that.”

“You did,” you chuckled, “you should take your own advice.

“Oh, shut up!” you both laughed, and Akira let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Of course, you don't need to thank me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

— so this is one of the writings that i wrote in January 😭 it’s been in my drafts and i re-read it once and instantly hated it right after. if there’s any typos please tell me!!

— also i wanna apologize again for putting gmds on hiatus,, i feel so bad 😭 i wanna make it up to you guys but idk how so if you have suggestions pls tell me

[impala666]

The One With Mrs. Bing Part One: She’s Back

Here we are. The episode I have been very excited about. Enjoy!

Friends rewrite (masterlist) Last Part (The One With The Monkey Part 4) 

Last night you had slept on the couch, you just wanted a little bit of your own space. During the night it had been nice, but now you were laying on your stomach with your face buried in your pillow trying to sleep. While you could hear Chandler making breakfast and drinking coffee before he headed off to work. You had to work yourself at the store in a few hours, but you just didn’t want to get up yet. The only thing that was going to help make your day was that you didn’t have that long of a shift anyway. So you’d work for a few hours and then spend many more hours with your friends just hanging out. Finally, you decided that enough was enough and it was time for you to get up and face your day. So rolling onto your back you let out a loud sigh and pushed the blankets off of you before you managed to make it to your feet. “Good morning, sunshine!” Chandler optimistically greeted you. You stopped at the peninsula of the counter and just glared at him, with your hair a big tangled mess which only made him smile more. “What?” He asked you, taking a sip from his coffee cup.

“You’re just being really cheery and I thought that was weird.” You shrugged it off though and entered the kitchen to get your own cup of coffee. 

“Where’s Joey?” Chandler asked.

“Not sure.” You answered honestly. “Probably still sleeping would be my guess.”

“How’s that going? I know you wanted to slow down, is that good?” Your big brother asked, just to check in on you.

“It’s been going great! He’s been surprisingly understanding and incredibly supportive. It’s just nice to have people who support me instead of trying to tear me down.” You smiled as you sat down across from him at the table.

“And you’re always going to from now on. Besides, if anyone knows about leaving home to pursue a career path that doesn’t meet the parents expectations other than you, it would definitely be Joey.” Chandler smiled at you in proudness and supportiveness.

“I know,” you told him with a small smile. For once in your life it was nice to know that if you fell, you had friends there to catch you and help you get back on your feet. You never had that with your parents; you could barely remember your dad before he got a divorce from your mom who was hardly ever home to begin with. All you really ever had was Chandler, at least you had him up until the moment your mom shipped him off to boarding school and then you were basically all alone until now. “And thanks for bringing up the whole disappointed parent thing.” You smiled at him in sarcastic thanks. 

“You are welcome,” Chandler chuckled along with your sarcasm. Then the both of you just continued to talk about your daily lives until Chandler had to go to work and you unfortunately had to start getting ready. 

********

All of you were finally done with your work day, so all of you went over to Monica and Rachel’s for some dinner all together telling each other about your day, to your surprise Phoebe and Monica had quite an exciting one. They caused a man they thought was attractive to be hit by an ambulance. “There are no conscious men in the city for you two?” Chandler asked, leaning against the couch as he silently judged his friends. 

“He doesn’t have anyone,” Monica defended herself and Phoebe. 

“Yeah. We feel kind of responsible.” Phoebe agreed. 

“I mean,” you started all high pitched, but when you felt Joey put his hand on your waist from behind you, you stopped when you heard him chuckle.

“I can’t believe you said woo-hoo.” Joey added as he kept laughing slightly. “I don’t even say woo-hoo.” 

“Oh! She’s coming up!” Rachel announced to everyone as she grabbed the TV remote and turned the volume up. Everyone else was excited to see who was going to be on the screen, but you and Chandler couldn’t help but make eye contact and roll your eyes. 

“When we come back we’ll be talking about her new book, Euphoria Unbound. The always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might want to put the kids to bed for this one.” Jay Leno announced as he lifted up his copy of your mothers latest erotic novels. You couldn’t help but feel sadder and sadder the more he talked about her before they went to commercial. Ross, Monica, and Joey sat next to you with big excited smiles on their faces. Chandler already didn’t want to watch this but when he saw you drooping into the couch and your smile falling into a frown with a sad look on his face, he knew he couldn’t take it any longer. He knew you hadn’t heard from your mother since you moved out because he hadn’t either. 

“We don’t have to watch this.” Chandler decided enough was enough. “Weekend at Bernie’s is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.” He announced the change of TV as he picked up the remote.

“Come on, she’s your guys’s mom.” Joey complained in surprise that neither of you wanted to watch your mom on one of the biggest talk shows in America. The fact that Joey didn’t see why you were upset made you just that much more upset.  

“Exactly. Weekend at Bernie’s! Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times!” Chandler tried one last time for the sake of both of you. 

“Guys.” Rachel beamed to you and Chandler. “I love your mom’s books. I cannot get on a plane without one. I mean, this is so cool.” Rachel was practically giddy when she found out that your mom was the author of her favorite novels. 

“You wouldn’t think so if you were 11 years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.” Chandler relayed. You would have jumped in on the conversation too, because man did you have a million stories, but you just couldn’t think of any. Plus because of recent events you weren’t really in the mood to talk. 

“Yeah, Chandler. I love your mom. I think she's a blast.”  Ross spoke, apparently on the side Rachel was on. That your mother was this fun, wonderful person. 

“Yeah, you say that because she’s not your mom.” You finally mumbled loud enough for all of them to hear you. They all turned to look at you, and for the first time they were seeing how hard this was for you. Ross immediately stopped talking, Monica and Phoebe looked at each other not sure if they should say something, and Joey wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you a little closer to his side. It made you feel slightly better, but you just wanted to run and hide under the covers in Joey’s bed for at least a week. But when the others heard kissing noises, they all turned around to see that Paolo was here and was practically eating Rachel’s face off of her body. 

“When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?” Ross asked, now adding to the sad party you were having. 

“Last night.” Monica answered him.

“Really? So then his plane didn’t explode in a ball of fire?” Ross asked, clearly not jealous at all. “Just a dream I had. But phew.” He thought would be funny to say out loud. 

“Hey! Hey! She’s on!” Apparently Phoebe was also excited about all of this, and Joey left you and was now on the edge of his seat on the couch. 

“Ah! Nora Bing!” Paolo yelled in excitement, much to your dismay as you watched your mom walk onto the screen, waving at the audience on the other side of the camera. 

“Before we get to the book, now what is this about you being arrested in London? What’s that all about?” Jay Leno asked your mother, which had you rolling your eyes at that piece that was news to you. 

“Your mom was arrested?” Phoebe laughed with astonishment. 

“Shh, I’m busy beaming with pride.” Chandler told her, which clearly wasn’t accurate. 

“This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally, after I’ve been intimate with a man..” your mom started her answer.

“Why would she say that’s embarrassing?” You masked your pain with fake humor. To which everyone ‘shhed’ you. 

“I just get this craving for kung pao chicken.” Your mom proudly answered for everyone. 

“That’s too much information!” Chandler yelled at the TV. 

“So now you’re doing this whole book tour thing. How’s that going?” Leno asked her. 

“Oh, fine. I’m leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate. But I get to see my kids, who I love.” Your mom smiled proudly, but it was hard to tell from the botox that she had gotten done. But all that you could focus on was the fact that she was coming here. She was coming here, to New York, after everything that had happened, and that was the way you had to find out. You were dying on the inside. But all your friends around you and your boyfriend all awwed for you and your brother. You crossed your arms tighter over your chest, wishing you could be anywhere else right now. 

“Oh, this is how we find out.” Chandler yelled, sounding like he was pissed. “Most mom’s use the phone.” 

“You know, I…”Jay Leno started saying as he got comfortable in his seat. But he also seemed like he didn’t want to offend your mom.“Don’t take this the wrong way, I just don’t see you as a mom somehow. I don’t mean that bad.” 

“Oh, no.” Your mom scoffed while looking at the audience. “I am a fabulous mom. I bought my kids their first condoms.” Half of your friends turned to look at your brother while the other half turned to look at you with your hand over your eyes in embarrassment. You then just decided that you couldn’t handle it anymore and ran out of Monica’s apartment and to yours, and to Joey’s bed so you could hide. You were just glad that you managed to avoid eye contact with all of them. However, Chandler was just standing there completely mortified. 

“And then he burst into flames.” Chandler said to himself as he felt like he was dying on the inside. 

[detectivejay-chuckles-halstead]

Jay Halstead x Reader Imagine

Description: You and Jay had always been best friends. How will your lives change through the years? Especially when he returns home a different man. 

Words: 22,097

Warnings: Canonical Violence, Smut, PTSD, School Shootings, Whump

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

When Jay told you he enlisted in the Army, you weren’t sure if he was joking or just plain insane. In all the years you’d known Jay, since you were practically in diapers, he’d never mentioned an interest in the Army. It wasn’t until right after graduation that he brought it up for the first time. The two of you had been having weekly movie night at your place, your parents having gone out for the night. 

“I need to tell you something,” he said softly when the movie ended. You’d nearly fallen asleep with your head on his shoulder. You didn’t turn to look at him, humming in response to get him to go on. “I enlisted in the Army on Wednesday.” That more than got your attention. 

“Wha-Why?” you asked, looking up at him. He’d promised you he’d stick around Chicago, the two of you considering starting off at a community college.

“I can’t stay with him, with him constantly breathing down my neck telling me I’m a disappointment,” he answered, knowing he was talking about his dad. “He practically disowned Will for going off to college, and he’s been pushing me to apply for the Academy. And I just. I want to be my own person.” 

“When do you leave?” You honestly didn’t want to know, but at the same time, you knew he was telling you this because he needed someone supportive in his life. You’d always been that person for him. 

“End of the month, I head to basic for ten weeks, then more depending on my specialty.” You couldn’t believe it, but it was happening. He was going to be gone for at least four years. Four years without your best friend seemed like an eternity. “I just have to ask you for one favor.”

“Anything.” You squeezed his hand with a smile. The two of you had been through thick and thin together. He’d stuck his neck out for you so many times, and you’d always done the same. It wasn’t anything for you to ask favors of each other. 

“It’s going to sound crazy, but before you freak or try to get me committed to a psych ward just hear me out.” 

“I’m not sure if I should be worried or scared, Jay,” you commented before he shushed you by putting his hand over your mouth with a smile. 

“Right now, my next of kin is my dad. And if anything happened to me, he’s the one that would get the payout. I-,” he took a breath. “I don’t want him to be the first to find out if something happens to me, Y/N. So, will you marry me, just for the legality. You’d be my next of kin, the one to handle my affairs. I trust you more than him, more than anybody.” 

“You are one crazy man, Jay Halstead,” you said as you ran your hand through your Y/H/C hair. It took you a minute to sort through all the responses you could give, but you knew he wouldn’t ask this of you unless he was serious. It wasn’t a joke. You weren’t in kindergarten anymore with a ring pop and promises of forever. You two had been through a lot through the years. He just looked at you with hope in his eyes. 

“Okay. Yes,” you agreed, a smile breaking out across his face. He pulled you into a hug, and you couldn’t help but laugh against his chest. “This has to be the craziest idea you’ve ever had, Halstead,” you added. 

“Yeah? Well, at least you put up with my kind of crazy.” It was true, you always put up with his crazy. In all the years you’d been friends with him, never did you think you’d marry him.

——-

You hadn’t told anybody before going down to the courthouse with Jay, hoping you could find someone in the lobby who would be your witness. You hadn’t even told your mother, who you’d tell everything to. The reason you didn’t, though, was because you knew she’d say it was a crazy idea. She would have tried to talk you out of it. 

You’d never thought you’d find yourself standing in front of a judge in a sundress, Jay in a nice button down and khakis, and a stranger standing next to you after a promise of twenty bucks. Smiling at your best friend, you listened as the judge spoke, your hands in his. This was completely insane, but you couldn’t be happier. 

The two of you had agreed beforehand that this was just going to be a legality while he was in the Army. He’d repeatedly told you in the two weeks leading up to this moment that you could back out at any time, that you could still date whoever you wanted to date, that a divorce would happen when one of you found the right person. You’d agreed to all those terms for him, knowing you weren’t going to back out of this. He was stuck with you, for however long he needed you. 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the judge said. You didn’t kiss, another agreement between the two of you. Instead, all you could do was smile. The two of you left the courthouse on a sunny day in June, marriage certificate in your hand and simple rings on your fingers. 

“Thank you,” he said again. He’d been thanking you a lot recently, for a lot of things. This was just one of them. Another was for always being there for him. For always having his back. It seemed like he was just trying to get everything out there before he left for basic training. 

“I wouldn’t want anybody else to be my first husband,” you joked with a smile, “but, you’re the one who gets to explain this to my parents.”

——-

“You two did what?” your mother practically yelled at you both as you all sat around the kitchen table. You’d asked your mom if it was okay if Jay stayed for dinner, knowing she’d never turn down that request. About halfway through was when Jay broke the news you’d gotten married.

“It’s not that big of a deal. Just until he’s done in the Army,” you tried explaining, but your father raised his hand to silence you. 

“Jay Halstead. Please for the love of all that is holy, tell me this another one of your jokes,” your dad said firmly, no waver in the tone of his voice. You could tell he was mad. 

“This isn’t a joke. I’m leaving for basic training next week, and I didn’t want Pat listed as my next of kin if something happens to me. Y/N and you both have been more of my family than he ever has, and I wanted to make sure something good could come of it if something does happen.” You hated when he talked like that, bringing up the possibility of being killed. At the same time, you knew it was the reason the two of you had gotten married to begin with. 

“Guys, you’ve known Jay his entire life. This isn’t high-school sweethearts getting married just for it to end horribly. I married my best friend because he asked me to because he’s going off to join the Army. Right now, we aren’t expecting this marriage to last more than four years unless he re-enlists,” you remind them. Plus, it wasn’t going to be an expensive or messy divorce since you knew you wouldn’t need lawyers. It was a mutual agreement.

“The two of you are insane!” your mother said again, more exasperated than anything. “But I guess what’s done is done. And it’s not the craziest thing the two of you have done. That doesn’t mean your father and I agree with it though, young lady,” she reminds you. It was enough for you. 

Telling Pat Halstead was a whole different story.

——-

You were half expecting Pat to yell at either you or Jay. Instead, he locked himself in his bedroom. Jay assured you it was okay, that his father would come around, and told you to go home, that he’d see you in the morning. 

He didn’t see you in the morning. In fact, you hadn’t heard from Jay until nearly ten that next night. He came tapping on your bedroom window. This was how you always snuck him in when your parents were asleep, the first time when you guys were about eight. Now that you were adults, you knew he didn’t have to sneak in your window anymore, but old habits die hard. 

You’d been in bed, about to fall asleep, so the lights were out. It took him a bit longer than usual to climb in, and you swore you heard him wince. It wasn’t normal, not by a long shot. 

“Jay,” you whispered when you turned on the bedside lamp on your nightstand. It looked like he’d been through Hell and back, a black eye, split lip. He probably had more where you couldn’t see. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he answered, taking off his shoes before climbing into your bed. You followed suit, pulling the blankets over you both. 

“Do you want to change out of your jeans?” He just shook his head, and you knew it had been a bad night. It wasn’t the first time he’d shown up at your house with bruises he’d refuse to talk about, but you knew. You could piece it together enough to understand. It was one of the reasons he’d joined the Army after all. 

You didn’t say anything else as you repositioned, trying not to jostle him too much. It reminded you of when you were kids, just holding onto each other. There was no difference between boys and girls back then, before the teasing started that you two must like each other. Even into high school, people always thought you were dating. It made any kind of relationship hard. But you and Jay survived, and here you were again. 

Usually, he’d be the one holding you. Mostly it was because of the size difference with him being taller. But there were some nights, like that night, that he was the one that needed to be held. You didn’t say anything as his arm draped across your waist and held you close. His forehead rested on your chest, your legs tangled with his. The feeling of his jeans against the skin of your legs was uncomfortable, but you refused to say anything, your hands stroking through his hair. 

“It’s going to be okay,” was the only thing you managed to say as he fell asleep in your arms.

——-

The day he left for basic training was one of the hardest days of your life up until that point. He had a packed duffle bag, the clothes on his back, and a wedding band still on his finger. And, he had you next to his side. You’d driven him all the way to O’Hare, having borrowed your dad’s car for the drive. Your parents had been warming up to the idea of why you agreed to Jay’s insane plan, but it was going to take them a while to get there completely.

The drive to the airport had been silent except for the radio. Usually, you both would have been singing along, but this was a more somber day, not really feeling in the mood for the usual karaoke. You’d parked the car in the parking garage and walked with Jay to check in. Now, he was about to get in the TSA line.

“You’re going to write me the second you can,” you told him, not giving him a choice. “And you’re going to call me when you can. And you’re going to stay safe, okay?” You knew basic wasn’t going to kill him, but you worried, tears stinging the back of your eyes. 

“I promise,” he assured you, dropping his duffle bag to hug you tight. Your hands held onto his shirt tight, not wanting to let go. 

“I’m going to miss you, Jay.” You’d never gone a day without seeing him or talking to him, so this was going to be a big change. 

“I’m going to miss you too, Y/N,” he agreed, kissing the top of your head before pulling back. “You stay safe here, okay. I’m not gonna be here to bail you out of trouble when it comes knocking.” That was enough for you to smile, watching him walk away into security.

——-

Jay had made it through basic training. You’d been there for his graduation, and then he was sent off to his next assignment, which had been Army Ranger School at Fort Benning in Georgia. He’d told you he’d been excelling. 

You thought him leaving for basic was the hardest day of your life. That all changed the day he called you to tell you he was being deployed to Afghanistan. You cried on the phone, making him promise repeatedly that he’d come home. 

After that, the days turned into weeks that you wouldn’t hear from him. Sometimes it was for months at a time, for nearly two years. You’d moved out on your own, getting a small apartment, and every day you were home, you were praying that nobody would knock on the door to tell you he’d died. When those letters did come in from him, you were relieved yet so worried. He told you of some of the things he saw, the things he did, how much he missed his best friend and how he couldn’t wait to come back. 

It was hard to focus sometimes, but you’d gotten your degree, getting a job as a teacher in a local public school. You knew the end of the four years was coming up soon, and you were just hoping he’d make it home. 

——-                   

He’d called you to tell you he was heading home, opting out of reenlisting at the end of the tour. You were waiting impatiently at baggage claim at O’Hare, about to jump out of your own skin at the slightest of things. Four years. It had been four years without him in Chicago. 

Your eyes scanned the crowd, regularly checking the incoming flights, just waiting for him. And then you saw him. With as excited as you were, you weren’t expecting your heart to drop. He looked different. There were bags under his eyes, the sparkle in his eyes duller. It looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

You didn’t let any of that stop you. As soon as you saw him, you ran over to him. He dropped his duffle, catching you in his arms as you slammed into him, nearly knocking both of you off your feet. Neither of you said anything as you held onto each other, trying to hold back your emotions. There would be plenty of time for that later, you knew. 

“Let’s go home,” you finally said after what seemed like hours, pulling back from him. You’d agreed to let him stay with you until he figured out his next step. He just nodded, letting you lead him out to the car with his hand in yours. 

The two of you didn’t say anything as you drove to your place. His hands were planted firmly on his own knees, staring out of the windshield. He looked nervous, but he didn’t say anything and you didn’t ask. It made your heart jump, though, to see the ring you’d put on his finger four years ago still there. 

“Jay, we’re here,” you said, softly, wanting to pull him out of his thoughts as you parked the car. “What are you feeling for dinner? We can order in, or I can make something.”

“I’m not really hungry,” he answered. Even the tone of his voice was different. 

“You’ve got to eat,” you reminded him. “That chinese place you really like still delivers. I’ll get your usual order.” He knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer, nodding in response. That was good enough for you as you took him upstairs to your place.

“It isn’t huge, but you can have the spare room.” You weren’t sure what to say with everything that was going on, remembering the box of letters. You knew it wasn’t the whole story, but you understood some of the things he saw while over there. “But my door is always open if you need me. Any time. Bathroom is right over there,” you continued, pointing to the closed door. “Your room is right there, and mine is across the hall.” 

“I’m gonna take a shower,” he said, not waiting for a response before tossing his bag in his room, then stepping across the hall, his uniform already starting to come off. 

You weren’t sure what to expect now that he was back. You’d both changed in the past four years, and you felt like you might have to get to know him all over again. It was a scary idea that he might not be the same Jay that you let walk away at O’Hare. You could hear the shower turn on, grabbing your phone to go ahead and make the food order. 

When he came out again, you saw him walk across the hall with only a towel around his waist. He was more well defined since you last saw him, skin a bit bronzer, more freckles scattered across broad shoulders. You had to quickly pull yourself out of those thoughts.

You’d been in a couple relationships since he left, but they’d ended mutually. Your mind had always been elsewhere, worried about him. It wasn’t that you had feelings for him, because you couldn’t. It wasn’t allowed! He was your best friend, nothing more. But there were some nights that you would never admit happened that you dreamed it was. Now, he was back. 

Finally, you heard his door open and he joined you on the couch. You’d already sat a beer on the coffee table for him, nursing your own. You didn’t even know if he liked beer. He groaned as he sat down, propping his feet up on the table, leaning his head on your shoulder.

“I missed you,” he told you, which caused you to smile. There was no way to help it, your hand resting on his forearm. 

“I missed you too, Jay.”

The two of you talked for hours, late into the night and early in the morning until he was dozing off. You’d convinced him to eat when the food came, and it was as if the man hadn’t eaten in his entire life, which got you an apology. 

“We should head to bed,” you finally said when you finally looked up at the clock on the wall. Somehow, the two of you had managed to talk until four in the morning. It felt like no time had passed at all. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, getting up then offering you a hand to help you up. The two of you walked to where the doors met, and you couldn’t help but hug him tight again. 

“Goodnight, Jay,” you finally said when you let go, Jay mumbling a ‘night’ in response before you went in your room, shutting the door behind you.

You knew it hadn’t been too long since you’d fallen asleep when you were woken by the sound of screaming coming from Jay’s room. It scared you, not sure what was going on when you jumped out of bed and rushed into his room. He was in bed, drenched in sweat, thrashing. It looked like he was in some kind of nightmare. 

“Jay!” you said, trying to get him to wake up by shaking his shoulder. You definitely weren’t expecting him to grab you roughly, throwing you on the bed and pinning you down. “Jay!” you said again, much firmer.

It took him a minute to come to, fear in his eyes as he looked at you. It seemed to get worse when he realized the position he put you in, quickly backing off with apologies one after the other coming from his lips and tears in his eyes. You didn’t understand at that time what had happened, scared. Later you’d learn and understand it was PTSD.

“It’s okay,” you assured him, “I’m fine.” Though you knew you weren’t, that your wrists would most likely bruise from his grip. 

He backed up until his back hit the wall, sliding down with his knees pulled to his chest. He didn’t make a sound, though, his arms wrapped around his legs and his forehead resting on his knees. It took you a minute to get up, not sure if you should approach him or not. You threw caution out the window, knowing it was Jay. Slowly, you got up and walked over to him, kneeling beside him. You didn’t say anything as you wrapped your arms around him, holding him. One hand stroked through his hair. It took him a few more minutes to begin to lean into you, but when he did, you knew it would be okay in the end. 

——-

You’d managed to get him back to bed, promising him you’d stay with him throughout the night. A part of you prayed he didn’t have another nightmare, not sure what would happen if he did. Luckily, he didn’t. When you woke up, it was to an empty bed which was confusing. You didn’t hear any movement from the living room or bathroom, and when you checked, he wasn’t there. 

You took the opportunity to get changed. Despite it being August in Chicago, you opted for a thin, long-sleeve shirt to hide the beginnings of the bruises on your wrists before starting to cook breakfast. You could only hope he’d show up soon, which he did. 

“Breakfast is almost ready,” you told him when you heard the door shut. Glancing over your shoulder, you saw he was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, looking like he’d just gotten back from a run. You made sure to pull your sleeves down a little more as he passed by, a smile on your face. He didn’t say anything or acknowledge you as he shut himself in the bathroom again.

You were glad you’d taken a few days off work to spend time with him, but at the same time, it felt like he was starting to shut you out after the events from last night. You tried to refocus on your attention back on finishing up breakfast, setting the plates down on the table and pouring him a cup of coffee before getting yourself a cup of orange juice. You then sat down, waiting for Jay, hands resting on your lap.

It didn’t take long for him to come out in khakis and an Army t-shirt, sitting down across from you. He didn’t say anything as he began to eat, slowly. He didn’t even look up at you. You tried to understand the fact that he was wrestling with his own demons, but you couldn’t ignore the fact that it hurt. 

“We need to talk,” you told him when he’d nearly finished eating. You’d managed to just push your food around, not really eating it. 

“What’s there to talk about?” he countered, voice distant and cold. You’d never heard Jay talk like that, never. A chill ran down your spine. 

“Last night. What happened?” You could still remember the bruising grip around your wrists, how his eyes looked through you, stuck somewhere else that wasn’t Chicago. 

“Just a bad dream.” He stood up, grabbing the plates and taking them to the kitchen. You waited a minute to follow, leaning against the counter and watching him. 

“No, Jay. It was more than just a bad dream. A bad dream doesn’t end with me getting pinned to the bed,” you reminded him, absentmindedly rubbing your wrist. He noticed though, and you could see a myriad of thoughts running through his head all at once. You saw his jaw clench and release a few times, the dishes long forgotten. 

“I dream I’m back there sometimes, Y/N,” he told you. “That’s all it is.” You decided not to push it, letting it go for now. His eyes were still locked in your wrist though. A shaking hand reached out, pushing your sleeve up just enough to show the bottom of the bruising. Clear as day was the shape of fingers on your skin. 

“It’s not your fault,” you assure him, but he wasn’t listening. You could tell by the way he pulled back and turned away from you. The thing you weren’t expecting was for him to walk out of the apartment without looking back. 

——-

The bruises had faded, but the tension between you and Jay had not. It had been almost a month since he’d come back. Things hadn’t gotten better though, he hadn’t made progress. In fact, you were more worried about him than you had been. He’d come home drunk, would sleep all the time. It wasn’t until a friend of his showed up, knocking on the door in the middle of the night. 

“Can I help you?” you asked the man, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. 

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m looking for Jay Halstead. I’m a friend from the Army. Greg. Greg Gerwitz. But everyone calls me Mouse,” he said quickly, as if you were going to cut him off at any moment. 

“Look, Gr-” He gave you a look. “Mouse. Jay’s not in a good place right now, I don’t know.” You shook your head, not wanting Jay’s friend to see him in this kind of shape. 

“That’s why I’m here. He called and left a message for me. I was over there with him. I know what’s going on,” he assured you, so you let him in before making your way to Jay’s room with Mouse trailing behind. You didn’t knock, just letting yourself in.

Jay was on his side, eyes open and staring at the wall. The blanket was draped across his torso and legs, one foot hanging out. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, beard beginning to become noticeable. You hadn’t realized he’d developed dark circles around his eyes. 

“I’ll leave you two to talk,” you told the pair when Mouse sat next to Jay, your friend looking up at his own. You wished it could be you that was able to pull him out of whatever abyss he’d fallen into, but you knew you shouldn’t let your pride get in the way. If Mouse could bring Jay back, you weren’t going to stand in his way.

——-

It had taken time, but Jay seemed to be his old self again. The nightmares seemed to happen less and less often. He was talking to you again, weekly movie night on Fridays just like when you were kids. He was getting back on track, and you couldn’t be more grateful to Mouse. It was a surprise to see him come around less often, but Jay assured you he was fine. 

“So, I applied to the CPD Academy,” he told you as the two of you ate lunch. He’d shown up at the school you worked, bearing the gifts of pizza. 

“Oh, really? That’ll be good for you.” You didn’t bring up the fact that his father had wanted him to apply to the Academy after graduation, that maybe he was following Pat’s plan for him. The difference was that you knew he was choosing this on his own and wasn’t being pushed towards it. 

“You think?” he asked, the light in his eyes shining bright. You missed it, missed him. You couldn’t help but reach across the desk, resting your hand on top of his. He gave you a bright smile. 

“You’re gonna be a great cop, Jay,” you assured him. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the marriage,” you added. 

“Yeah? What about it?” he asked as he took another bite of pizza. He’d been home for over six months now, and he didn’t seem to plan on reenlisting in the Army. 

“Well, you’re not planning on reenlisting. I didn’t know if you wanted to keep it up since you’re going into the CPD or if you wanted to go ahead and get divorced.” Ultimately you were going to let the choice be up to him. You weren’t in a relationship, weren’t looking at getting married any time soon, so it didn’t phase you one way or the other. 

It was odd for your taxes and employment paperwork putting married. It may have been true, but sometimes you had to catch yourself. You’d stopped wearing your ring on your finger when he got back, not seeing the need to. Though, you wore it on a chain around your neck. 

“It doesn’t matter to me. I mean, our taxes are better if we stay married. Plus, the same thing goes with CPD. I’d rather you be my next of kin instead of Pat.” That was a good enough answer for you, not bringing it up again. Instead, the two of you fell into casual conversation until the bell rang, signaling that your students would be coming back. 

“I’ll see you at home,” he told you, helping you clean up. You gave him a hug and kissed his cheek as a few of your students trickled in. 

“I get to choose the movie tonight, Jay!” you called after him as he left, arms crossed over your chest with a smile. You could hear him laugh from just outside your room, and you couldn’t help but do the same.

“Is that your boyfriend, Ms. Y/L/N?” one of your students asked. It was one of the great parts about teaching six year olds. 

“He’s my best friend,” you answered, ignoring the churning in your stomach. Boyfriend. You were sure that ship sailed a long time ago, if even existed in the first place. 

——-

The day he graduated from the academy, you couldn’t have been prouder. Where he started when he got home a year ago to this point, he’d made leaps and bounds, not just strides. He’d worked his ass off for six months in the academy, a lot of late nights that you’d fall asleep on the couch and him studying. 

Seeing him in his uniform was another site. It seemed like yesterday, you saw him at O’Hare in his Army uniform looking tired and defeated. Now, he looked proud, a smile on his face when his eyes met yours. You remembered wondering if that light would ever come back to his eyes, and in that moment, you saw it in full force. His cheeks were fuller, the dark circles gone from around his eyes. He looked happy and healthy. 

You’d worn your ring this day, to keep up appearances. When you met up with him, he brought you in for a tight hug before someone walked over, clearing their throat.

“Sergeant,” he said, standing up tall, formal. 

“Officer Halstead,” the woman said before shaking your hand. “This must be the lucky lady. I’m Sergeant Platt.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Sergeant Platt,” you said with a smile. “Hopefully Jay didn’t give you too much trouble in his time in the Academy.”

“Not going to lie. He’s one of the best I’ve seen roll through in a long time. He’s going placed. But I should warn you to keep an eye on him. A lot of the girls were eyeing him.” You gave Jay an ‘oh really’ look, not helping the giggle bubbling at your lips.

“I’m not too worried, Sergeant,” you assured the woman before she gave you a smile and walked away. You looked at Jay again. “Let’s go celebrate.” 

——-

You knew Jay would be getting home late, but you were surprised that he actually came in the next morning looking like complete shit. There was no doubting that something had happened on his shift that shook him. 

“You wanna talk about it?” you asked him, taking his bag from him so he could take off his shoes. 

“You remember Allie Corson?” he asked. It was hard to forget Allie Corson considering she was the first person Jay loved, and she’d broken his heart. You nodded, following Jay to the kitchen where he pulled out a beer. It looked like he was barely keeping it together. 

“Ben.” He shut the door of the fridge, hands shaking, dropping the bottle, shattering on the floor. He was trying to keep the tears back. “Ben was murdered, Y/N.”

Your breath caught in the back of your throat. Allie was such a sweet person, and you’d hung out with her and Jay enough to know how nice of a boy Ben was. He was the one who wrapped his arms around you, face in the crook of your neck as he cried, holding the fabric of your shirt in tight fists. 

You didn’t ask any questions, letting him get it all out before taking him to his room. It was a Saturday, so you had nowhere to be. When he let you go, you saw red rimmed eyes, Jay sniffling.

“Have you gotten any sleep?” you asked him, pulling his shirt up and over his head. He shook his head ‘no’ in response, and you just nodded. Your hands then worked at his belt, getting it undone before popping the button of his jeans and pushing them down to leave him in just his boxers. This was the first time you’d ever done anything like this with him, but you knew he was exhausted and upset and would fall asleep in his street clothes if you let him. It seemed instinctual as he pulled your t-shirt off, leaving you in your tank top, then pushing your jeans down. 

“What-” You didn’t know what was going through his head, where his mind was even at as he tried to find the words that he wanted to say. “What did I do to have someone as amazing as you in my life?” 

“You were just you, Jay,” you answered, pulling him to the bed. You laid down first, getting situated as he joined you. Your hair was fanned out across the pillow, your eyes meeting his as he laid down with you. 

He moved closer, though, his arms didn’t pull you close and it looked like he wasn’t going to. Instead, he just looked at you. 

“Do I have something on my face?” you asked him softly, not sure why he was looking at you like that. He shook his head, propping himself up on one elbow as the other hand came to stroke long your cheek down to your jaw. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, anticipating what he was going to do next. 

You weren’t expecting a firm grip on your jaw before his lips were against yours. It took you by surprise, there was no doubt about that. He’d been your friend for your entire life, your best friend for most of it. This wasn’t supposed to happen, but it was, and you were conflicted. Had you wanted this? Yes. You’d wanted Jay as much as you wanted to breathe. But the timing wasn’t right. Ben had just died, and you felt like this was his way of pushing that grief to the side and not dealing with it. His lips were intoxicating though, moving with him. 

He pressed against you, one hand at the nape of his neck, the other holding onto his bicep. There was urgency and need, nipping at his bottom lip. He pulled away from lips, trailing down to your jaw and neck. Your nails dug into his skin. 

“Jay,” you said, out of breath, not sure if this should be happening. He didn’t respond though, focused on what he was doing, which was making you want him more and more. “Jay,” you said a little firmer, getting his attention. He looked at you, lips red and a little swollen, pupils blown with desire. 

“You okay?” he asked softly, thumb sliding across your bottom lip. You nodded dumbly as you caught your breath.

“We shouldn’t. We can’t,” you told him, seeing confusion take over his expressions. “Just. Now is not the right time, Jay. Ben...I don’t…” He pulled back, letting you sit up. You grabbed his hand, getting his attention back on you. “I don’t want you doing this because you’re upset, okay?” 

He nodded, seeming to understand. You hoped he did at least. He laid back on the bed, and you decided to go ahead and rest your head on his chest. His arm was loose around you, but still traced unrecognizable patterns on your side.

You felt his hand stop, his fingers resting on your tank top, breathing even and regular. When you glanced up, you saw that he was asleep. Sighing, you put your head back down. Maybe you were in love with him. And that idea terrified you.

——-

Neither of you spoke about that night, but there was definitely tension between the two of you now. Though, neither of you mentioned it. He’d skirt behind you in the kitchen, hand barely resting on your back. Or you’d be walking down the street, hand brushing against his. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was some pride, you weren’t sure. 

He was obsessed though, with trying to pin the guy who killed Ben. He was adamant that it was a neighbor, Lonnie Rodiger. The issue was that he had no proof to back it up, just a gut instinct. After Ben, his nightmares came back. From the sounds of it, it was a mix between Afghanistan and Ben, a luck of the draw each night. You’d just wished there was more you could do for him. He’d assure you that you being there was enough for him, all he could ask for. 

——-

The day he brought a girl back to the apartment after a night out, you thought your heart was going to shatter, if it hadn’t already. You’d been grading papers at the kitchen table when he stumbled in, the sound of a girl laughing piercing the silence of the apartment. You looked over, you saw a mess of blonde hair and tan skin. The air got stuck in the back of your throat, seeing her all over him. 

“Y/N,” he said with a smile, his hands already sliding up the back of her shirt. “This is…” He looked over at her, chewing on his bottom lip, seeming to be drunk enough to not remember her name. 

“Melissa,” she answered for him, undoing his belt. 

“Yeah! This is Melissa. Melissa, this is Y/N. She’s gonna stay the night,” he added, not giving you a chance to answer before picking her up and carrying her to his room. You’d grabbed your headphones, putting on some music to drown them out. 

He’d suggested you went out with him that night, but you were behind on grading. Plus, the bars and clubs weren’t really your scene. You’d done that when you’d turned twenty-one and then for the next year while he was gone. But, you knew he’d missed out on it since he was in the Army. You couldn’t help but think it would have been you in his bedroom that night if you’d agreed. Your heart was definitely broken. 

———

Jay had taken the Detective’s exam, not telling you until after the fact. He’d passed, obviously, on the first try, coming home excited with a smile on his face, and telling you he’d gotten a spot in the Gang Unit. You tried to be happy, but over the past year, the two of you had really drifted apart. Your traditions had dropped off one by one, until you seemed to be nothing more than roommates. 

“I’m happy for you, Jay,” you told him with a smile, not looking up from the papers. It was another year, another group of students, and even more work it seemed like. 

Later that night, he’d put a cup of tea in front of you, seeing as you hadn’t moved from your spot nearly all day. You noticed he took a seat across from you, a cup of coffee in his hands for himself. He just sat there for a while longer, quiet. That was until he cleared his throat, bringing you to look up at him.

“What happened to us?” he asked softly. You didn’t know how to answer that. There were just a million things that had happened, both big and small, that factored into your current situation. “We used to be so close, Y/N. Now, we barely talk.” 

“Jay,” you said, almost exasperated, running a hand over your face before your elbows were planted on the table and your head rested in your hands. 

“Come on. Where did we go wrong?” he added. You leaned back in your chair, looking at him. 

You could still remember the day he came back home. He looked like he was ready to give up, a sunken face. Now, freckles were dotted across pink cheeks and the bridge of his nose. All his wounds had scared over. His muscles were more defined, his shirts fitting better. His style had also improved, wearing Hensleys and flannels with v-necks. He’d really grown into himself. And it felt like he’d left you behind. 

“The day you came home after Ben Corson died,” you told him, looking down, not able to look at him. “We never talked about what happened, and I don’t know...I think that’s where it started.” You could hear him sigh before taking a drink of coffee. 

“Then, you just...We didn’t talk about it, Jay,” you said again, looking at him again. “And then you paraded girl after girl through here. It hurt.” 

“Like you didn’t date that guy, Richard or whoever, the science teacher?” he reminded you. That was different. You’d actually dated Richard for six months, it wasn’t that you paraded a laundry list of guys each night. 

“That was a serious relationship, and I had dated him for three months before bringing him around. You parade girls through here that you meet at the bar each night,” you retorted, trying to keep a calm voice. “We’re both at fault for not talking about it, letting it get to this point.” He nodded, knowing you were right. 

“Yeah. I want to fix us,” he said after a minute of mutual silence. 

“I just...I want more than just a friendship Jay. That night. If you hadn’t been upset, if Ben hadn’t just died, I wouldn’t have stopped you. At the same time, I don’t know if it was just because you were upset that you even kissed me,” you answered. Jay sighed, making it seem like he didn’t want that. You were worried that you had just ruined your friendship.

“I was upset that night, Y/N. But it wasn’t because I was upset that I kissed you. I mean, part of it was. I don’t want to ruin what we have though. The girls, yeah, I know I’ve been bringing a lot through, but I thought you stopped me because you didn’t want it,” he told you. 

“I want to try, Jay. Do you? If we both agree to try, and it doesn’t work, we can try to go back to what we had.”

“Okay,” he agreed. That was enough for you to flash him a smile. “I’m off tomorrow, so, I’m taking out out on a date.” 

You guys knew nearly everything about each other, so this seemed more like a formality. But it meant that he was trying, that he was being honest about wanting to try. It made you happy that things might get back on track with things between the two of you, and maybe even better. 

——-

The next afternoon, you’d gotten home from work, exhausted. Who knew six year olds could wear you out so much? You plopped down on the couch with a groan, kicking off your shoes, and propping your feet up. 

“Long day?” Jay asked, kissing the top of your head as he made his way around the couch to sit next to you.

“Parents are more of a pain in my ass than the kids are,” you answered. You weren’t expecting him to lean forward and pull your feet onto his lap, massaging each foot. It felt nice, your eyes slipping shut with a soft moan. He knew exactly what he was doing it seemed, making all the tension in your feet disappear pretty fast. “Where did you learn this?”

“The internet,” Jay answered, which got a laugh from you. 

“Well, the internet has taught you well, Young Padawan. So, what did you have in mind for this date?” You opened one eye, seeing him smile and shake his head. 

“I made a reservation at the best place in town,” he answered, not specifying it anymore.

“And where’s that?” You were wondering if he’d give you an answer, and it seemed like he was.

“I might have gone grocery shopping to cook. And I just want you to relax, go take a bubble bath, and get dressed. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Everything will be ready in a couple hours.” He was the best, and you knew he knew that fact.

You didn’t want to move from your spot on the couch, but he insisted, sending you on your way to take that bath and unwind. When you opened the cabinet, you saw he bought you a new bottle of bubble bath, With Jay, he always did the small things for you, things that you might not have even noticed over the years, or that you’d just chalked up to him being a good friend. This made your heart swell, though, knowing it came from a place of true caring, if not love. 

You took your time, smelling whatever he was cooking. It smelled delicious, and you couldn’t wait to eat it. When the bath started to get cold was when you got out, drying off before heading to your bedroom. Jay wasn’t paying attention, focusing solely on cooking. He looked hot, sleeves pushed up, foot tapping along to whatever song was playing on the radio. 

With Jay, you didn’t feel like you had to worry about what you wore. With Richard, it felt like you had to impress him. Jay’d seen you in everything from your prom dress down to your underwear, though. You knew he didn’t care, and honestly, neither did you. So, you put on jeans and one of your college t-shirts. Your hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

“Smells good,” you told him, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind, pressing yourself against his back. You felt him tense up in the moment you did it, and then immediately relax again. 

“Good, because it’s going to taste even better,” he assured you. 

“With all these promises, it better be the best thing I’ve ever had,” you teased back, which got a laugh from him. 

Eventually, you let him go, helping him finish cooking. It was pretty easy, mostly just washing the dishes as they came. It was domestic, the two of you having fallen into a routine two years ago when he moved in. 

You sat at the table, Jay sitting across from you as the two of you ate. It was mostly small talk, catching each other up on your weeks, a little bit from the past year where you’d started to drift apart. It was nice, familiar. Occasionally, his foot would brush against yours, or he’d reach across the table to hold your hand. It was hard not to blush, so you did more often than not. He was sweet, but you knew that already. He was still Jay Halstead afterall. 

When the two of you finished dinner, you’d moved to the couch. The hockey game was playing, but you were more focused on him than the game. He’d glance over at you occasionally with a smile, giving you quick kisses. It wasn’t until after the game was done that you knew you had his undivided attention. Not that you couldn’t have gotten it sooner if you’d wanted. 

“I’m going to go to bed,” you told him, getting up. 

“I had a good time,” he told you, not moving to get up. 

“Who said the night was over?” He raised an eyebrow as you smirked, walking to the bedroom. You could hear him get up, following close behind. You weren’t sure how far this was going to go, but it didn’t matter as long as you were with Jay.

As soon as you got through the bedroom door, you turned around to face him, just a couple steps behind you. You could see the smile on his face as he closed the distance, a broad hand on your lower back pulling you close as the other rested on the back of your neck. He didn’t kiss you, just smiling at you, so you took the first step, crashing your lips against  his. He was just as intoxicating as the first time, your lips moving together like a perfected dance. 

He pressed you against the wall, one of your legs hooking around his leg. Your hands were all over him, wherever you could reach. Eventually, you opted to scratch your fingernails along his lower back. In response, he gave a soft moan, giving you more than enough opportunity to slip your tongue past his lips, which he welcomed gracefully. 

Your hands pushed his shirt up, Jay pulling back just far enough to get the fabric off before he did the same to you. He leaned back in, lips against yours again as his hand spread across your ribs, thumb teasing your nipple. Shivers ran down your spine, goosebumps erupting on your skin. 

Finally, you pushed against him, moving him to the bed. His knees hit the bed first, falling back and pulling you down on top of him. Your lips found his again with no hesitation before kissing along his jaw, his stubble gently scratching your face. You didn’t care, had always liked him with a beard. Down further your lips went, sucking a hickey at the junction of his shoulder and neck. When you glanced up, you saw his head fall back on the bed, eyes closed. His hands grabbed your ass, giving a firm squeeze. 

You’d never thought it was possible to want someone this badly, no way there was a way to want someone more. You’d also never thought you’d be in this position with Jay, yet here you were, lips traveling lower, nipping at his exposed skin occasionally before reaching his jeans. You pulled back to undo his belt, hands fumbling out of a mix of nerves and need. When you began pulling his jeans down, you grabbed his boxers as well, wanting nothing between you. He propped himself up on his elbows, watching you with parted lips. 

You took no time in getting his pants off, discarding them somewhere in the room, not sure where they landed. Then, you were at the foot of the bed, kissing his thighs. He didn’t say anything as your eyes met again before taking him in your mouth. It was salty, but not overpowering. There was no hesitation as you began bobbing your head, hand helping please him. 

That first moan you got from him had to be the best thing you’d ever heard in your life. It was needy and raw, making you eager to make sure he felt good. Quickly, his hand tangled in your hair. You couldn’t help but look up at him through your eyelashes, seeing the look of pure ecstasy on his face. He looked like a mess, but he was your mess.

“Y/N,” he moaned. You could feel his abdomen tightening under your hand. “I’m...I c…” He couldn’t get a full sentence out, but you knew he was close just by how he was acting. You got him right to the edge before pulling back, hand finishing him off so that way you could see him. His head fell back, lips parted just enough that sound could escape. His cheeks were rosy, chest heaving as he moaned, his load spilling over your hand.

“Holy shit,” he managed to say as he came down from that high. You grabbed one of your shirts off the floor, cleaning him up. Yet, you knew the night was far from over as he looked at you with unadulterated lust. You squealed as he grabbed you, reversing your positions and getting you on your back. You couldn’t help but smile. 

His lips were on yours again, his hands roaming the exposed skin of your chest and abdomen. One hand teased your nipple as the other undid the button on your jeans, slipping a hand down the waistband to cup your center, the heel of his hand pressing into all the right spots. You couldn’t help but moan into his mouth. 

“Need you,” you sighed, nails digging into his biceps as he moved the heel of his hand in small circles on you. 

It wasn’t enough, you needed more. You sighed as he moved his mouth further down your body, relishing in how he made you feel. Your hands slid through his hair, scratching against his scalp with closed eyes. After pulling your jeans off, he spread your legs slightly, enough to dip his head down between them. You pried your eyes open, watching him. It was pure sin, watching him between your legs. You could feel his tongue on you, unable to hold back your own moans. Your back arched off the bed, fingers digging into whatever you could reach, let it be his hair, shoulders, or the mattress itself. When you reached that peak, you couldn’t even tell him what your own name was, between the mess that was your brain, and the moans coming off your lips. 

His lips were on yours again quickly, your leg hooking around his waist. “Condom,” he mumbled against your lips. Thankfully he had his head screwed on right, unlike yours. 

“Top drawer,” you answered, protesting with a whine when he pulled away to grab one. You’d never noticed the way his muscles moved just under the surface, how toned he actually was. You couldn’t keep your hands off him, sliding along his arms, shoulders, side, wherever you could reach really. When he came back to you, he was smiling. 

“Jay,” you said softly, cupping his cheek. Had you asked yourself six years ago when you were barely eighteen if you’d seen yourself in this spot with Jay, you would have told yourself you were crazy. Yet, here you were, happier than ever. You didn’t realize he’d slipped the condom on until he was pressing against you. He pressed his forehead against yours, eyes locked as he slowly pushed in.

It was a change, and he was slow as you adjusted, hissing slightly at the intrusion. When he started rocking his hips though. You couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped your lips before you kissed him. He started off slow, small grunts and moans coming from him, but nothing loud or too out there. 

That was until you were practically begging for more, “Harder. Faster,” escaping your lips like prayer. His moans and sighs were more frequent, louder, occasionally mixing with your own. You held onto him for dear life, raking your nails down the skin of his arms and back. Occasionally, he’d capture your lips with his, too much teeth, but always much needed. 

If you were being honest, nobody had ever made you feel this good. Maybe it was partly because of who it was, never nervous around Jay. He just made you feel relaxed. The other part was most likely because it had been a while, and with tensions high, your nerves were ready to light up at the slightest of touch.

You could tell he was getting close by the falter of his hips, how his hand held onto your hip a little tighter. When he finally reached that point, it was a couple more thrusts of his hips and a deep moan as he buried himself in you. Your hands stroked through his hair, panting as you tried to catch your breath. 

He moved off you, discarding the condom in the trash next to your nightstand before laying on his back. Your arm draped over his abdomen, head resting on his chest. The blankets were tangled around your legs, and you reached down to pull them up over you both. Neither of you said anything for a few minutes, your own heart pounding in your ears as you tried to catch your breath again. He was the first one that spoke. 

“Wow,” was all he had to say, which you agreed with. Who would think that twenty three years of friendship would lead to this point. It definitely wasn’t you.

“Yeah,” you agreed, looking up at him with a smile. This was something you wouldn’t mind doing with him again. Plus, you knew you had all night. 

——-

You and Jay had fallen into a nice, normal routine. The spare room was now a shared office, and you liked that it gave you more space to grade and to have a quiet place to work. He still made you feel like the luckiest girl in the world. You understood what his job was, that there would be late nights and early mornings. What you weren’t expecting was an undercover operation. 

“What does that mean exactly?” you asked him, looking over at him. He’d suggested you sit down when he told you this news, glad you did. 

“I’m gonna be gone for a while. They’re giving me a whole new identity, backstory, everything. Just until we catch this guy,” he explained. You didn’t know if you wanted to hear more. 

“When do you leave?” He took his eyes off you, hand running over his face with a sigh. 

“In the morning.” You nodded, knowing neither of you had a choice in this. Instead, you just reached over, taking his hand in yours. 

“And they’ll call me?” You had to ask. It was the last thing you wanted to happen, but the first thing on your mind. He just nodded, which made you sigh. This was why you guys were still married even though your romantic relationship had just barely begun. 

“How long?” you followed up. You had so many questions, yet, you were unsure how much you wanted to actually know.

“I don’t know. A few days, maybe a few weeks? I’ve heard of people going undercover for months or years at a time,” he answered. Months to years… You didn’t think you’d be able to deal with him being gone for months or years. Considering you’d gone four years without seeing him, and those were some difficult times. 

“I need you to promise me something,” you finally said after a couple minutes of silence between the two of you. You looked at him with intent, not going to take no for an answer. 

“Anything.” You moved closer to him, his arm wrapping around your shoulders and pulling you close against his side.

“You’re going to come home. Safe. I swear, there’s a single scratch on you when you walk through that door,” you warned, your voice unwavering. He couldn’t help but smile at you.

“I promise.” 

-----

You knew you wouldn’t hear from him while he was undercover, and if by chance you saw him, you weren’t to say anything or even acknowledge him in any way, shape, or form. The rules existed to protect him. You weren’t expecting to see him, though. He knew your routine, your usual spots, and would avoid them to keep you both safe. 

Your phone rang in the middle of class a month and a half in, your students ‘oooh’-ing with interest. You felt your stomach drop, heart pounding as you stepped into the hall to answer the call.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” you said. “Who am I speaking to?”

“This is Sergeant Thomas with the CPD. I’m calling to inform you that your husband, Detective Jay Halstead, is currently being treated at Chicago Med for injuries he sustained while undercover,” he told you. If it hadn’t been for the fact you were so in shock, you would have dropped the phone. 

You hung up, knocking on the classroom door next to yours. Julia answered with a smile, hushing her students in the background. 

“I have a family emergency. Can you watch the kids while I go down to the office?” Of course she agreed, the two of you having gotten along great since you started working there. 

As soon as you were able to, you were on your way to Med, mind racing as to everything that could have happened to him. You’d made him promise he’d come home, without a single scratch. Now, he was at Med. 

You ran from your car to the ED waiting room, Jay’s name falling off your lips before you even stopped at the desk. An officer came out, ushering you back. You had a million questions, yet you didn’t know what to ask the woman. You just hoped Jay had all the answers. The officer left you at the door to the ED room. You had to take a deep breath before you brought yourself to walk in. 

You were expecting a few bruises, for him to greet you with a smile and an assurance that he was okay. You weren’t expecting for his leg to be in a cast and propped up on a pillow. A bandage covered his neck right above his collarbone, bruising just above that. His arm was in a sling, secured tightly to his chest. An IV was running medicines and fluids that you didn’t know what they were for in through his good arm. Even then, that “good arm” looked horribly bruised. You didn’t want to imagine what it looked like under the gown, his breaths shallow and seeming to be strained. Plus, his face was a mix of black, purple, and blue, barely able to see a patch of pale skin. 

You didn’t say anything, tears stinging your eyes as you sat down next to him in the chair provided. He seemed to be asleep, or unconscious. You weren’t sure what the difference was.

“Mrs. Halstead?” a man asked as he stepped into the room. “I’m your husband’s doctor, Dr Lanik.”

“Yes,” you answered, shaking his hand, but not standing up. “What-?” He handed you a box of tissues as tears dripped down your face.

“Your husband was brought in after being severely beaten. He’s suffered a broken tibia and fibula which are the bones of the lower leg. His shoulder was dislocated, a broken wrist on the same side. A couple of broken ribs. He has a severe concussion, luckily. With the amount of trauma to his head, we were expecting a brain bleed. He had a deep cut to the base of his throat that required fifteen stitches. He has some minor internal bleeding we expect to resolve on its own. We have him on pain meds. I want to keep him over night, at a minimum to keep an eye on any possible brain swelling as well as the bleeding,” Dr Lanik explained to you. As the list of his injuries grew longer, the more upset you got. 

“He served overseas,” you told Lanik, holding Jay’s good hand, not taking your eyes off his bruised and battered face. “I didn’t see him for four years after we got married, and I was just waiting for that knock on the door. Each day, I prayed I wouldn’t, that God would bring him home safe. He came home different, but he came home. And then he joined the CPD, and I thought I wouldn’t have to worry as much. I mean, how dangerous is Chicago compared to Afghanistan?” You let out a dry laugh, not sure why you let yourself get comfortable with the idea. “I was nervous, obviously, but not as scared as I was when he called to tell me he was being shipped out. I made him promise me he’d come home safe.” 

The doctor sat down in the chair across from you, setting his paperwork down. “How long have you two been married?” he asked. It seemed like he was trying to make you feel better.

“God, since we were eighteen. Six years this June. We weren’t even in love when we got married,” you admitted to the doctor. “He’d been my best friend my entire life, and he wanted to make sure someone he trusted would be the one to find out if he died. I mean, six years ago, tensions were high. We graduated in 2002, and the Army was accepting anybody and everybody to go fight in the war. When he came back, it was hard on both of us, but we got through it. Eventually, we started to fall in love, but it took us a long time.” 

“Well, it sounds like he has an amazing person next to him, to agree to do that for him. He’s going to need you even more now as he gets better,” he reminded you.

“Was he out when he came in, or…” 

“We had to sedate him. He was very agitated, really didn’t know what was going on,” he answered, looking confused as to why you asked.

“He has PTSD from when he was deployed. He doesn’t...he never told me what happened over there, not in detail. When he came home, it was bad for a long time. He fell into a hole that I didn’t know if we were going to ever be able to get him out of. I just. I don’t want this to be a setback for him,” you explained, Lanik nodding in understanding.

“If you want, I can have one of our psychiatrists come in when he wakes up, just to get a feel of things?” You agreed with a nod, Lanik standing up and putting his hand on your shoulder again. “He’s probably going to be out for a while. Do you want a cup of coffee or something?”

“Coffee sounds great,” you agreed before he left the room, a promise of a hot cup of coffee before the door shut. You squeezed Jay’s hand gently. “Dammit, Jay,” you mumbled, a hand running over your face. This was not how this was supposed to go, not by a long shot.

-----

You heard him groan, the eye that wasn’t completely swollen shut fluttering open as much as it possibly could considering the amount of damage done. Your head shot up from the bed, looking at him and squeezing his hand again.

“Jay,” you said softly, his head lolling to the side to look at you. He gave you a small, tired smile, looking barely awake. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty.”

“Hey,” he managed to say, sounding like he had a mouth full of cotton. With how swollen his cheeks were, it looked like it too. 

“You scared me,” you admitted, bringing his hand up, kissing his knuckles. “When I got the call, I didn’t know what to expect. All they told me was that you were at Med being treated for injuries sustained undercover. I thought I made you promise to come home without a scratch.”

“I’m sorry,” he told you, his fingers tightening on your hand. “I was doing good too, until today.” 

“What happened?” you asked, needing to know. He just sighed, like he did when you asked about Afghanistan early on. You knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but you weren’t taking no for an answer. Not this time. “Talk to me, Jay. Don’t shut me out this time.” You didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but you knew that’s how he took it. 

“I didn’t shut you out, Y/N,” he told you.

“Jay, that’s not what I meant.” The damage was done, but he just sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

“It was going good. They had just started to trust me. I went by Ryan, that was until a familiar face showed up. You remember Mouse, right?” he asked. Of course you remembered Mouse. He was the one that got Jay out of the pit. “Well, apparently, Mouse has hit rock bottom. And hard. He’s not doing good. But he recognized me, didn’t realize I was a cop, or undercover. Completely blew my cover. He’s the one that managed to call an ambulance and get my sorry ass here, but he bounced.” 

“When did you last talk to him?” you asked, curious. You weren’t going to ask him about the attack itself, the aftermath more than able to fill in the blanks in your imagination. Not that you wanted to imagine Jay getting beaten to a pulp.

“Right after I graduated from the academy. I didn’t realize it was bad for him. He helped me, was there for me, and I didn’t do the same for him,” he answered, cheeks wet from tears that managed to slip out.

“Jay, look at me,” you said softly. He didn’t though, kept looking at the ceiling. “Look at me,” you said again, a little more forceful, but it was enough for him to listen. “What Mouse is doing, what he’s gotten himself into, it isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. What you can do. Are you listening?” He nodded his head. “What you can do is get yourself back in his life and help him. You can still be there for him, it’s not too late.” 

“What if it is?” he asked you. “What if everything we went through over there was for nothing?” He wasn’t talking about his undercover assignment now, no. He was talking about Afghanistan. “We pulled each other through those trenches, dragging each other at points, for what?” 

“Baby, it was for something. You fought for this country, bravely I might add, because it was the right thing to do. We were seventeen when 9/11 happened, we watched it happen, and then you went and did what so many others were terrified to do. Both you and Mouse. And I owe him everything for bringing you back home, and then helping you out of that Hell that was in your mind. It’s never too late to help him, okay? I’ll be there too,” you assured him. He nodded again, and you hoped he believed you. 

-----

Unfortunately, you were unable to take Jay to the apartment when he was discharged. Your building was old, six steps up to the front door. Since Jay had both a broken wrist and a broken leg, he couldn’t use crutches, having to use a wheelchair for the time being. Which meant that you couldn’t get him up the stairs, especially by yourself. That was how the two of you found yourselves staying with your parents until one of the breaks was fully healed. The doctors were saying he’d be lucky if his wrist was fully healed in eight weeks. 

“I don’t know how to thank you guys,” Jay told your parents as you helped them get the spare room together. 

“Anything for our girl, and you too, of course, Jay,” your mother assured him with a smile, gently grabbing his face and kissing his cheek. “And we’re so glad to see you back. I wish you’d visited sooner.” 

“So do I, Mrs. Y/L/N,” he replied, which got him a small smack on his good arm. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, call me Y/M/N.” He chuckled, nodding in agreement. “Especially since you and my daughter are still married after...How long has it been honey?” she asked your dad. 

“Six years?” he said, getting a nod from you. “Even though, you said it probably wouldn’t last longer than four.”

“Well, I mean with Jay and I being an actual couple now, and with how crazy our schedules are, and with his job, we haven’t found a reason to get divorced,” you reminded them, helping Jay up and out of the wheelchair, pivoting to the couch. You got a pillow under his leg despite his protests that he was fine. “You got beaten to a pulp, so you have to deal with me doting on you. And when I’m at work, my mom will make sure to do the same.”

“I already promised Y/N/N that I would. Plus, you’re looking kind of skinny Jay. Is my daughter not feeding you enough,” Y/M/N told him, Jay pleading with you with his eyes. You put your hands up defensively, knowing it was out of your hands.

It was a long eight weeks, but as soon as he was clear to use crutches, he was booking it out the door to go home. The swelling of his face had gotten better, most of the bruising gone, and whatever was left had turned an ugly yellow. You knew he was just happy to be in his own bed again, with you by his side, with no parents around. It was limited what you could do because of his legs and the stitches still in his neck, but you made it work. That first night home was the first time he told you he loved you, and there was no doubt in your mind that he meant it.

----- 

Over the years, you’d made sure to tell him you loved him every morning before one of you left for work, and to tell him every night before bed, even if it was a text or a phone call because he was pulling a late night. A lot had changed over the next five years, yet, a lot was the same. You were still happily teaching six year olds. Jay was still happily putting his neck out there to keep the people of Chicago safe. You still worried. He still had bad nights. 

You’d moved though, having decided a new apartment with a new start would be good for the both of you. Sure, the old apartment had it’s good memories, but it also had some of the really bad ones. Plus, it was closer to your parents in Canaryville. Sure, the commute was a little rougher, but it was worth it. Sometimes your parents would ask when the two of you planned on having children, not worried about living in sin -- still being devout Catholics -- since you two were still technically married. You’d always just brush them off with a laugh, knowing you weren’t ready for that. You never asked Jay if he was though. 

It had become normal, about once a year, for Jay to go undercover. The first time after the incident, it had been tough on you. It had only lasted a couple of weeks, but you were sure you were going to get another phone call, but that he’d been dead. When he came home, without a scratch on him, you were relieved, letting him hold you all night. 

So, when he went undercover this time, you were less worried. Yes, you still worried, and that would never stop. But he was smart, had picked up many tips and tricks over five years. He usually kept you in the dark when it came to what the case was, but this time was different. You weren’t sure why, but he told you all about it. Maybe it was just another milestone in your relationship, you weren’t sure. It didn’t matter though, as long as he was safe.

It had been five years since you’d gotten that phone call that he’d been taken to Med. So, when your phone rang at three o’clock in the morning, you were worried. A little less so when you saw that it was Jay calling you.

“Hey, baby,” you said groggily, just wanting to go back to bed. You could hear chatter in the background. “You on your way home?”

“Not quite,” he answered, which got your attention. “They’re sending me to Med to get checked out.” 

“Why?” you asked, enough of a shock to your system to wake you up, instinctively starting to get dressed. 

“I got shot.” Your blood ran cold. 

“You couldn’t think to lead with that, Jay!” you told him, worried and frustrated. He’d gotten shot, and acted like he was just reading you the weather. “I’m on my way to Med, and don’t you dare try to talk me out of it Jay Halstead.” 

“Okay,” he agreed before you hung up. The drive down to Med, you were mumbling to yourself the entire time. You weren’t sure what you were going to say to him, or if you were just going to slap some sense into him since it seemed like he had none. 

“I’m here for Detective Jay Halstead,” you told the ED desk, getting led back to his room, getting an odd sense of deja vu. This time you were less panicked at least. 

Your jaw clenched as you walked in the room, arms crossed over your chest. His shirt was off, a bandage patched on the front and back of his shoulder and his arm in a sling. You could still make out the blood stains on his skin from where he bled. 

“You got shot.” It wasn’t a question, a firm statement. He sighed, head falling back on the bed before lifting it up to look at you again. The more you looked at him, the more you noticed, like some bruising on his stomach and a busted lip. Nowhere near as bad as the first time, except for the fact that he’d gotten shot. 

“I wasn’t trying to get shot,” he reminded you as you sat down. “I was just protecting a civilian.”

“I know how dangerous your job can be, knew it was always a possibility. But you’ve been a cop for what? Seven years?  Not to mention, serving in Afghanistan. And this was the first time you got shot,” you reminded him as he reached out his good hand to caress your cheek. You couldn’t help but lean into his touch.

“I’d say that’s a pretty good track record,” he joked, getting you to smile. “You know how I keep talking about the Intelligence Unit I want to get into?” You nodded, brows furrowing, not sure where this was leading. “Well, one of the owners of the bar, her brother, Antonio Dawson, just switched to the unit. They’re looking for another Detective, and he’s putting in a good word for me.”

“It’s because you got shot, isn’t it?” you asked with a smile, getting a nod and a laugh back. “Well, despite how mad I am at you, I’m happy for you, baby. You’re gonna do great. After you’re done with your medical leave, because you’re taking time off. For my own sanity.” He knew there wasn’t any arguing with you. 

-----

You brought him home a few hours later after the scans came back clear that it was a through-and-through. You were relieved, but still so upset about the situation. Neither of you said anything on the drive home, the radio wasn’t even turned on for once. There’d only been one other time in your life that you could remember a car ride being so quiet, and that was the day you drove him to O’Hare all those years ago. 

You followed him inside, tossing your jacket on the couch. With a sigh, he turned around to look at you. Eyes scanned his face, seeing how different he looked. You could still remember being kids, chasing after each other in the school yard. Now, he was a man. Your hand came up, resting on his cheek as he leaned into your touch. 

“I’m sorry,” he told you softly, eyes not moving off yours. You could get lost in the ocean that was his eyes. 

“No. No, you have nothing to be sorry for,” you assured him. “I overreacted a little.” You knew you had every right to be upset, but you’d directed your anger at him, as if he was the one that pulled the trigger on himself. 

“Can we just go to bed?” he asked softly. His day had probably taken a lot out of him, was probably exhausted. You nodded, taking his hand and leading him back to the bedroom. What you weren’t expecting was his lips on yours, soft and slow. He was in no rush. It caught you by surprise before you relaxed into it. 

You were the first one to pull away, helping him out of the scrub shirt the hospital had given him, trying to be as gentle as possible. He still hissed when you tried to maneuver the bad arm, whispering apologies. Once his shirt was off, your hands were gentle, ghosting around the bandaging. You could feel how hot the skin still was, didn’t even want to imagine what it looked like underneath the bandage. He stood there, looking at you as you touched him, not saying anything. 

“I’m just glad you’re safe,” you told him softly before pulling your own shirt off. His eyes broke away from yours, trailing down your now exposed skin. It didn’t take long before your lips were against his again, moving slowly, softly. There was no rush. In fact, you wanted to take your time because you could have lost him that night. You had a basic understanding of anatomy. If the bullet had hit just a couple inches further to the right, you might be planning a funeral. 

You made sure to avoid grabbing onto his bad shoulder, not wanting to hurt him anymore than he already was. Your right hand, instead, rested on the back of his neck, your left on his good shoulder. His free arm looped around your waist, pulling you closer to him. As much as you wanted this, wanted him...you pushed it out of your mind. He wouldn’t talk about it, and you knew it. 

The next time you pulled away was to get his pants off, making quick work of his jeans. Unfortunately, do to being down one hand, he was limited on his movement. So, as soon as his pants were off, you slid your own down. You didn’t notice he’d pushed his boxers down with his good hand, a small smile on your face as he stood there in all his glory. 

“On the bed, Halstead,” you told him, Jay quickly following directions. As he got himself situated and comfortable, his back against the headboard, you grabbed a condom out of the top drawer. You grabbed an extra pillow. “Lean forward,” you told him, sliding it behind his back. It was the small things sometimes, plus, you knew the headboard would be uncomfortable against his shoulder. 

There wasn’t any foreplay aside from heated kisses before you ripped open the condom and slid it down his length, getting a soft moan from him. You couldn’t keep your eyes off him, though. Especially as you positioned yourself above him before sliding down slowly. You took your time with him. The sounds you got from him sending heat low, adding to your arousal. You gave yourself leverage using the headboard rather than his shoulders, lips rarely coming off his. 

When your lips did come off his, you whispered assurances and praise and love. And when you both fell over the edge, it wasn’t like the first time. The first time all those years ago, it was unadulterated need and desire. This was love and adoration and fear seeped through that you almost lost him. You could have easily lost him. 

“I love you,” you told him softly, fingers combing through his hair, forehead pressed against his. “I love you so much.” You just sat on his lap, neither of you moving away from each other. His hand traced along your side, goosebumps rising on your skin. 

“I love you too,” he told you. It took awhile for you to move off him, but when you did, it was to only lay down next to him. The two of you held each other, your head on his chest as fingers played with your hair. 

“Jay,” you said softly, not looking at him. He hummed in response. “I-” You didn’t know how to ask. “Why don’t you ever talk about what happened over there?” 

“It’s been eight years since I got back?” he asked, as if his math would be wrong, though it wasn’t. “Some days, it feels like a lifetime ago. Other days…” You knew what the other days were. Anniversaries of some sort, though he’d never given you further explanation for any of them. Some of them, he locked himself away both physically and mentally. Others...It was hard to explain. All of them affected him one way or another though. “Telling you would make it more real, and I’m scared of how you’ll see me if I told you what I did over there.”  

You knew that was absurd, but to him, that was his reality. It took a minute to figure out how to tell him that. 

“I’d never push you to tell me, and maybe you never will. I’m okay with that. But if you ever do, no matter how big or small, I’m still going to love you. You’re still gonna be Jay, okay?” you said, turning your head to look up at him. He nodded, a small smile as he kissed you again.

-----

It had been a long time since Jay had a nightmare bad enough to wake you up, not since Ben Corson. Even then, he still had nightmares. You were able to tell when he held you a little tighter at night, or you’d wake up with him gone long before reasonable hours. That was until that night. You heard him whimpering, skin slick with sweat that wasn’t from previous activities. Usually, he didn’t move in his sleep, but you could feel his legs weakly moving against yours. It was enough to wake you up. 

“Jay,” you said softly. When you pulled back, you saw his brow furrowed, a look of pain on his face. “Jay, baby.” 

You had propped yourself up on your elbow, cautious when you put your hand on his good shoulder, gently shaking him. His eyes shot open, pushing himself away from you quickly, fear in his eyes. 

“It’s just me,” you assured him, staying where you were at. You didn’t move towards him, but you also didn’t move away. You had no reason to be scared of him. “It’s just me.” 

“Y/N,” he mumbled, his face pale. He moved back towards you, and you accepted him with open arms. There had been plenty of times before, knowing how to handle his nightmares. Usually, he’d just brush it off and tell you he was fine. But there were times, like this one, where he didn’t say anything for a while, just listening to your heartbeat and hearing you breathe for a while. 

“I did get shot once before,” he finally said, not sure how long it had been. “In Afghanistan.” You never noticed a scar, confused. “We were taking heavy fire. Mouse was there. Bullet hit me in the side. I thought I was done for, but he saved me. It healed pretty well considering, but it still happened. I still know it happened. I tried to...to not put myself back there today. I wouldn’t have called you, would have just come home and told you about it. But I needed you. You are my rock.” It took him a while to get through the story, giving you more detail of how he begged to not be shipped home, that he’d be fine. Your comment at the hospital weighing on your mind, about how this was the first time he’d got shot in all these years. He’d smiled, laughed, agreed with you. And this was just under the surface. 

“Where?” you asked, wanting to know how you overlooked something like that. He sighed, sitting up. It was on his right side, your fingers tracing down from his shoulder blade to the spot you’d managed to overlook for the eight years he’d been home. It was barely raised, white camouflaging on already pale skin. One mark. One simple mark. 

You wondered if the wound on his shoulder would look the same way, barely noticeable. Or would it be more raised, scaring pink rather than white. You both laid back down, duvet over the top of you. And you wondered if it would ever be completely alright. 

-----

The three weeks he'd taken off were spent relaxing for the most part. A lot of date nights, and lunches in your classroom. It was nice, normal. Familiar. When he was cleared to work again, he was so excited, and you couldn't help but be excited for him. 

You'd decided to surprise him at work a month after his transfer. It was enough time for him to settle in. You weren't expecting to see Sergeant Platt at the desk at the district. 

"Y/N," she said with a rare smile. "What brings you down here?"

"Here to see Jay, Sergeant," you answered with a bag of food in your hand. 

"Trudy, please," she corrected. An officer close by looked confused, so you assumed many people didn't get to call her by her first name. "So, you're still putting up with Officer Chuckles, huh?"

"It's Detective Chuckles now." She smiled as she rolled her eyes. 

"I'll buzz you up. Up the stairs, to the right past the gate. I'm glad he's still got you. He's a good kid." You weren't going to disagree with that, following the simple directions. 

You were expecting more bustle, not six people seeming to be doing nothing at their desks. Nobody noticed you at first, letting yourself lean against the wall leading into the bullpen. That was, until somebody piped up that they smelled food. 

"That would be me," you said, smiling as Jay looked up. 

"Y/N! How long have you been standing there?" he asked, getting up with a bright smile and walking over. 

"For a cop, you're so unobservant sometimes, babe." You couldn't help but joke with him. "Parent-teacher conferences finished up early today, so I thought I'd surprise you. I brought enough for everyone." Not gonna lie, you were wanting to make a good impression on the team. 

"Guys, this is my girlfriend, Y/N. And these are the guys...and Erin." They all chimed in greetings as you sat the food bags down, making sure to set aside yours and Jay's before it became a free-for-all. 

"Girlfriend, huh?" A younger guy asked. "I'm Adam." You shook his hand. 

"Yup. We've been together what? Six years?" you asked Jay. It was hard to keep track sometimes. 

"Seven," he corrected, getting a nod from you before he kissed you. "Thanks for lunch."

"Any time," you assured him. You grabbed your food and he brought an extra chair up to his desk. "You didn't tell me Trudy was the desk Sergeant."

"Trudy?" he asked, though he knew who you were talking about. "I didn't think to mention it. I didn't even think she'd recognize you since you haven't seen her since my academy graduation."

"Well she did. Is she the only one who knows about…" He cut you off with a nod. 

"I mean, my paperwork says it, but nobody ever looks at that unless they have to." You knew that was true, so you weren't worried. 

You tuned out the rest of the team, focusing on Jay. The two of you talked about an upcoming weekend trip to his cabin in Wisconsin. You'd always been invited as a kid, but your parents were never comfortable with it. 

"Hey, Jay," Erin said as she came to stand beside him, hand on his shoulder. You couldn't help but feel jealous, especially considering he didn't pull away from it. Instead looking up at her. "We got a tip we need to go check out."

He nodded, looking at you with some sadness and a lot of apology. "Go," you said with a forced smile. "I'll see you later." He gave you a kiss, grabbing the rest of his food to go. 

"Y/N," you heard someone say as soon as Jay left, voice gruff. You turned to see a man standing in the doorway of an office. "Can I speak to you for a moment?" Adam gave you a funny look, but you weren't sure what it was for. 

"Of course." You stood up, walking into his office. He shut the door behind you before motioning for you to take a seat. 

"I'm Sergeant Voight. Look, it's none of my business, but I can't have Jay distracted okay?" he told you, which confused you. 

"Jay had mentioned others significant others bringing lunch, I didn't mean to distract anybody," you answered, thinking that maybe you'd overstepped a boundary. 

"It's usually someone's husband or wife, not their girlfriend. Not to mention, I don't need you showing up here, and then Jay's wife coming around." Your brow furrowed in confusion. "Again, what he does on his off time isn't my business. But what happens here is."

"Look, Sergeant. You've got this wrong." He didn't let you explain as he walked to the door to open it, so you just blurted it out. "I am his wife, Sergeant." That got him to stop, turning to look at you again. 

You sighed, not sure if Jay would be okay with you having this conversation. But here you were. 

"Care to explain?" He asked.

"Jay and I have been best friends our entire life. We got married at eighteen right before he left for the Army, and then we just never got a divorce. It was for legality, seeing as he doesn't get along with his family very well and he trusted me," you explained. "So, you don't have to worry about a jealous wife coming around and running into a girlfriend. Since our marriage was out of convenience, we don't see ourselves as married off of paper. And I know Jay would appreciate if this didn't get around." Voight nodded, trying to comprehend what you just told him. 

"Does anybody outside of your families know?" he asked. 

"Trudy Platt met me at Jay's Academy graduation. She knows we're married, but she's never known that it was purely for being on paper. She's just thought we've always been together. But that's it. You and her," you answered. 

"Okay." He nodded again. "I apologize if I offended you in any way." 

"No need, Sergeant. I need to head out anyway," you told him, standing up. He shook your hand before walking out with you. 

-----

"I had an interesting conversation with Voight after you left today,” you told Jay as the two of you walked home from a local pub you’d had dinner at, walking hand in hand. He looked over at you with obvious confusion.

“What did he say?” he asked. 

“He told me that he didn’t need you to be distracted. Or risk a jealous wife showing up and seeing his girlfriend there,” you answered with a laugh, which caused him to look like he was about to go into a full blown panic. “Jay, I explained it to him. He knows minimal details, but enough. He’s not going to say anything,” you assured him, his face relaxing. “You shouldn’t worry too much. Might start getting wrinkles.” He gently bumped into you with a smile.

“Have you thought about what it would be like if we were actually married?” he asked softly as you turned the corner, seeing the apartment at the end of the block.

“We’re actually married, Jay,” you reminded him. “Or do I need to pull out the marriage certificate to remind you?” 

“I meant...Have you ever thought about getting married again? With an actual ceremony. Because you love me?” he elaborated.

You sighed. Of course you’d thought about it, all the time. You’d been together for seven years. Honestly, the only thing the two of you didn’t really do was introduce each other as a spouse, and you didn’t wear your wedding rings unless you had to for appearances. That rarely happened though.

“I don’t need a ceremony, Jay,” you answered. “But have I thought about what it would be like for it to not be for appearances or paper? Of course. Being with you is all I could ask for though, and you’ve been giving me that for the last seven years. Though, my parents would probably love the idea. I don’t need it. Unless you want to.” He just shrugged, and you knew the conversation was being put on the backburner. 

“Before I forget to mention it, Will is coming back to town to visit in a couple months. I told him he could crash with us,” Jay told you. You weren’t sure how you felt about that. You hadn’t heard from Will since graduation. He hadn’t reached out after Jajy joined the Army, or when he was deployed, or when he got back. 

“Okay,” you agreed, against your better judgement. You weren’t sure if this was a good idea, didn’t want Will to drag Jay back into Pat’s life. But, Jay would make his own decisions, and it was your job to be his support system. Whether they be good decisions or not.

-----

The first thing that tipped you off that something was off was the fact Jay’s car was parked outside when you got home. He had told you that he was expecting it to be a normal day, so you weren’t expecting him home until dinner. The second thing that tipped you off was the smell of liquor wafting through the apartment. The third was Jay sitting on the couch, photos spread across the coffee table. A quick glance showed you they were pictures of Lonnie Rodiger. 

“What’s going on?” you asked him, getting a grumbled response. “Use your words.” He glared at you with cold eyes, something you hadn’t seen in a long time. You didn’t sit next to him, opted to stay standing. “Talk to me, Jay.”

“Lonnie Rodiger is dead,” he told you. It was a conflict of emotions, considering you believed Jay when he said Lonnie killed Ben Corson. Sure, the man was a monster and deserved punishment, but you felt bad that you were glad he was dead. 

“And that’s not a good thing?” You didn’t understand what had Jay on edge, why he wasn’t happy that Ben’s murderer couldn’t hurt anyone else. 

“They think I killed him, Y/N.” Your blood ran cold, not sure how to react. The fact he wasn’t sitting in a jail cell seemed like a good sign. It meant that they didn’t have enough evidence to charge him.

You knew Ben’s birthday had just passed. He would have been fifteen. Something in Jay had snapped, and he’d become obsessed with figuring out a way to put Lonnie behind bars. You hadn’t said anything about it, figured he’d work it out of his system.

“Did you?” you asked. You couldn’t help it, plus you weren’t going to judge if he did. 

“You too?” he asked defensively.

“I have to ask, Jay. Especially considering you have a restraining order from the Rodiger family. I’ve stood by your side this entire time, not doubting you for one second that Lonnie killed Ben. But it’s suspicious. Yet, I’d believe you if you said you didn’t kill him. Because I trust you,” you reminded him. He leaned back, with a sigh, signalling you to sit next to him. 

“I didn’t kill him,” he told you as he looked over. 

“Okay. Then find out who did. Badge or no badge, you’re the one who can figure this out.” He kissed your temple before going back to the pictures and the police reports. You sat up with him all night, going into work the next day, hoping you didn’t get a collect call from Cook County Jail that they’d found a way to pin it on him. 

When you came home, no pictures or police reports were scattered on any surfaces. Jay was fast asleep on the couch, looking like he hadn’t slept in a year. You figured it was a good sign, covering him with the quilt on the back of the couch and kissing his head. He didn’t stir, but looked peaceful. 

-------

“Will!” you announced excitedly, hugging him tightly as soon as he stepped foot in the door. As much as you didn’t like the idea of him staying with you guys, you couldn’t help but be excited. You hadn’t seen him in years. 

“What am I? Chopped liver?” Jay asked with a smirk, earning him a light smack on the chest. 

“So, what brings you back to Chicago, Will?” you asked him, needing to know, your curiosity killing you. “Thought you were some fancy plastic surgeon in New York.” The three of you sat around the table. Since Will’s flight had gotten in late, you’d made dinner so it would be waiting when they got home.

“A job offer, actually. Chicago Med was looking for ED docs, and I actually missed my baby brother.” You could understand that. “So, no worries. I’ll be looking for my own place soon.” 

“Did you tell him, Jay?” you asked, getting a glare in response. “He’s gonna find out soon enough.”

“Tell me what?” Will looked between the two of you. You’d made Jay promise he’d tell his brother about the marriage, and about their relationship, but it seemed like he hadn’t yet.

“Y/N and I have been dating for seven years,” he told Will, who just laughed. You looked at him, confused by his reaction.

“You’re joking, right?” Will asked, looking between the two of you. His smile dropped though when neither of you were laughing. “You’re not joking. Why didn’t you tell me sooner, like, I don’t know… Seven years ago!” 

“Well, Will. There’s more,” you added before he started going off the deep end prematurely. He looked between the two of you again, confusion and surprise obvious. 

“We’ve been married for thirteen years,” Jay added. Will looked like he was doing some mental math in his head.

“You two are definitely fucking with me,” he said as he came to the conclusion. It would make sense. He hadn’t seen his brother since his high school graduation, so it would make sense Jay would try to prank him. You were prepared though, sliding a piece of paper across the table to Will before he said anything else. As he read, his brow furrowed, hand raking through his hair. 

“You got married thirteen years ago,” he said, flabbergasted. “And you didn’t tell me. Why did you even-?” It was obvious that Will had a lot of questions.

“Jay didn’t want Pat listed as his next of kin when he joined the Army, and with you in New York away at college, it seemed like the best thing to do,” you told him, knowing Jay didn’t know what to say by the look on his face. Of course he didn’t want to explain it to his big brother, and that was probably why he waited until dinner to have you help break the news. “Then, it was the same with the CPD. And I’m happy I agreed, because Jay is the best thing in my life. He always has been, for our entire lives.” 

“I don’t...I don’t know what to say,” Will said, handing you the marriage certificate back before putting his napkin on the table. “Dinner was good. I’m gonna.” He stood up. “I’m gonna stay at a hotel.” 

“Will, come on,” Jay told him, standing up a split second after Will. “You don’t have to go.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” he said, grabbing his bag. 

You wondered if he’d end up at Pat’s, since he didn’t live too far away. Or maybe, he was actually going to get a hotel. You weren’t sure, but whatever he did, you didn’t care. All you cared about was the broken heart look on Jay’s face. He didn’t say anything as the door shut behind Will, just gathering the plates in silence. His hands shook, jaw clenched. 

“He’ll come around,” you assured him, but he shook his head. 

“I’m not so sure.” His voice shook, putting the plates in the sink. He didn’t scrape them or wash them, holding onto the edge of the sink, looking defeated. Your arms wrapped around his middle, head resting on his back. You didn’t say anything, knowing there was nothing you could say that would make him feel better about any of it. 

“I’m sorry,” was the only thing you could manage to say. You felt bad for pushing him to tell Will, but you didn’t want to keep it from his brother. Plus, questions would get raised when he saw you and Jay sharing a room. Plus, you didn’t want to try and pretend you weren’t together for however long Will would be staying with you.

“It’s okay,” he assured you, holding one of your hands. “I’ll call him in the morning. Can we just go to bed?” You nodded, walking to the bedroom with him. You just really wished the brothers would work this out. 

------

“I invited Mouse to stay with us for a while,” Jay told you, Mouse standing next to him. It wasn’t like you’d say no, but a bit more of a heads up would be good. “I’m taking some time off to stay with him while he cleans up.” 

“Okay,” you agreed. “It’s nice to see you again, Mouse.” It had been nine years since you’d seen him, and it had taken its toll. His cheekbones were sunken in, dark circles around his eyes. When you’d first met him, he’d been hyper, but Jay had told you that was normal for Mouse. This type of hyper, you knew, was because of drugs. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate, okay?” Mouse just nodded. 

You helped Jay get the spare room set up, not saying anything. When it was ready for him, you reached out, squeezing Jay’s hand with a smile. 

“He’s gonna get better, especially with you here to help him,” you told him. 

The first week was the hardest, Jay practically barricading Mouse in the house to keep him from leaving. You were surprised he didn’t just cuff him, but then you knew Mouse could make the argument of unlawful detainment.There was a lot of crying, a lot of late nights. You didn’t hear most of their conversations, knowing they talked about the war a lot. It was the reason they were in this mess to begin with, both struggling in one way, shape, or form with PTSD. You knew all you could do was be there for them, both of them.  

The first time Mouse wanted to talk to you and not to Jay was hard on them both. He wanted to talk about some of the things he’d done since they’d been back, things he was ashamed of and didn’t want Jay to know. “Not yet at least”, was what he said. And you listened, Telling him that it didn’t make him a bad person, agreeing that the VA had failed him. That was when he told you a story you didn’t think you could have prepared yourself to hear. 

“We were in the convoy, going from one to place to another, patrolling mostly. Jay and I were in the second Humvee. We were talking about going home since our tour was about to end. We barely recognized the explosion in front of us,” Mouse told you as he leaned against the dresser, you sitting across from him with your back against the bed. It was a safe spot for him, being low. You never questioned it. “The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the sand, the Humvee flipped. My first thought was to find Jay. He was bruised, but said he was okay, so I believed him. I shattered my arm in three different spots. We were taking heavy fire, couldn’t tell where it was coming from. I thought we were going to die that day, Y/N.” 

Jay had never told you this story, didn’t know if it was something he ever wanted you to know. But because Mouse wanted to talk about it, you listened. 

“I was sent to Germany, and then home, an honorable medical discharge they told me. It didn’t feel honorable though, felt like I had failed Jay. For the next year, I didn’t know if he’d survived, until he reached out to me when he got back. Seeing him like that. I failed him in so many ways.” Mouse seemed to cry in front of you more often than Jay did, tears on his cheeks again.

“You didn’t fail him at all, Greg,” you said, using his real name to get his attention. “You kept him safe. Hell, you saved his life both over there, and back here. That’s honorable to me.” 

“Thank you, Y/N. For everything.” That was his tell that he wanted to be alone, so you stood up with a smile, shutting the door behind you. 

You found Jay in bed, reading a book. It was a nice sight, sighing as you laid down after the long day you’d had, your head on his shoulder as you read over his shoulder.

“Mouse told me about the Humvee accident that got him discharged,” you said, getting Jay’s attention pretty fast. The book found its way to the bedside table with less than smooth movements. 

“I’m going to assume you want to talk to me about it?” Jay asked, looking over at you. 

“You know I’m never going to push you about it, but I want to understand what you went through, Jay. It’s been almost a decade since you got back, and I know one thing about the entire time you were over there,” you told him. 

“I lost two very close friends in the Humvee that hit the IED,” he told you. “And Mouse got discharged. I spent the last almost year over there with three of my friends gone. That first year, we went through a lot. And I mean, a lot. And that last year, I didn’t know if I was going to make it without them. That accident is one of the reasons I hate driving sometimes.” His voice was shaking, obvious that he was upset now.

“Jay, I didn’t mean…” You wanted to explain yourself, wanted to apologize, but he cut you off. 

“I know. But there’s a reason I don’t talk about it, okay?” You nodded, laying on your own side of the bed. It took you a bit to start to fall asleep, but you recognized the familiar weight of his arm draped over your waist. 

-----

You were excited for Mouse when Jay helped him find a small apartment nearby and got him a job as the tech guy for Intelligence. It finally felt like things were getting back on track in your lives. Things were good at work for the both of you, having spent many nights out with Jay and his team at Molly’s. The twinge of jealousy you felt because of Erin had disappeared when she’d found a seemingly nice guy, plus Jay’s assurances that you were the one he wanted. Will had started to come around to the idea of everything that had happened between you and Jay, but he was still very much on the fence. 

“I’ve got to go to work,” you told him with a laugh, his arms holding you close, not letting go. His chest was pressed against your back, and you could feel the heat radiating off him. 

“Five more minutes,” he whined, not ready to let you leave the bed. As much as you would love that, you didn’t want to be late for work. It was going to be a long day, you had a feeling. 

“Jay, that’s what you said ten minutes ago,” you reminded him, turning around in his arms. He was still half asleep with adorable bed head and a smile. You kissed him softly, hand gently resting on his cheek. It was lazy, no real purpose behind it besides just kissing him.

“I’ll see you when you get home,” he told you against your lips, loosening his grip on you so that you could escape into the real world, as much as you would love to stay in bed all day. 

You texted him during lunch, telling him about your day so far and the funny things some of your students had done. He seemed to enjoy the stories, telling you he loved you and that he’d have dinner waiting for you at home. 

Students trickled in after lunch, sitting in their seats. You began your lesson when you heard the fire alarm going off. You weren’t expecting a drill, and glancing out the window of the door, you didn’t see any smoke or anybody leaving classrooms. That was when your class phone rang. When you answered it, you weren’t expecting to be told it was a lockdown. 

In a hushed voice, you corralled the kids against the back wall before locking the door, turning off the lights, and covering the window. Then, you knelt in front of them, fire extinguisher next to you, trying to keep them calm and quiet. 

The first shots that rang out sent chills down your spine, hearing screaming. It was your job to keep your kids safe, trying to stay calm for their sakes. You promised them it would be okay, against your better judgement. School shootings were nothing new, having gone over every policy and procedure in place multiple times every year in case it did happen. And now, here you were. You didn’t think of anything else other than the group of terrified six year olds sniffling in front of you. 

“It’s gonna be okay, guys,” you assured them quietly. “Your mommys and daddys are gonna be waiting for you outside. I promise.” 

It was false hope to you. You knew statistics, you read the stories of teachers and students dying as martyrs, they’re deaths being used for politics. You didn’t want to become just another statistic, another name and face on the news. But you would, if it meant the group of children in front of you got to live the rest of their lives. 

You could hear your phone buzzing in the drawer of your desk, but you didn’t move. You knew in your gut that it was Jay, who’d probably heard the news of what was happening. It was a distraction, yet you still flinched every time you heard a gunshot echoing through the halls. 

You looked up at the clock, wondering when it would be over. There wasn’t a set timeline of how long it would take police to take down a shooter, but you’d always been told it wouldn’t be long. It felt like an eternity though.

The door to your classroom rattled, and suppressing the gasp that bubbled at the edge of your lips was difficult. All of the kids were silently crying, and you made sure to shush them a little more before you stood up. You defensively held the fire extinguisher, tiptoeing your way next to the door, your back against the wall. 

You froze when someone breached the door, a gun pointed at you for a split second before you realized it was a SWAT officer. Slowly, you put down the extinguisher as he motioned for you to get the kids. 

You knelt in front of them, getting their attention. “Okay, these men are police officers,” you told them in a whisper. “We’re going to go with them, okay? But we still have to stay super quiet. Just like when we walk in the halls during school, one line, hold hands, and stay super quiet.” Most of them nodded as you got them up. “Okay, guys. The nice policeman is going to lead you out really fast, and I’m going to be right behind you. Okay?” The children nodded again, and that was exactly what you did.

You never thought the feeling of the sun on your face would be so relieving, but there you were, running down the steps with the kids in front of you. You kept an eye on them as each one ran to their parents before doing anything else. Jay was probably worried about you, especially because you couldn’t call him since your phone was still in the classroom. 

Your hands came up, running through your hair as you looked around at the chaos. There was the media, worried and crying parents, cops everywhere. That’s when you saw Jay pushing his way through the crowd frantically, looking for someone. You assumed it was you. As soon as you saw him, your legs carried you as fast as possible to him without having to think about it. Your eyes met his a second before slamming into him. The familiar feeling of his arms around you was a safe haven for you, was the only thing you wanted in that moment. You didn’t hear anything he said over the sounds of your own sobs. It was all hitting you at once, and you could not process it. 

“I’ve got you, you’re okay,” he whispered in your ear, one hand moving from your back to the back of your head, stroking through your hair. Your hands fisted his shirt, letting him hold you. 

“Are you hurt?” he finally asked, pulling back as tears continued to drip down your cheeks, but the sobs dying off. He stroked your face, down your arms, still looking terrified and worried. 

“No. No,” you assured him, trying to force a smile, but all that came were more tears. Especially when you saw tears in his eyes. “Can we go home?” you then asked. 

“Not yet, baby,” he answered, getting a whine of protest. All you wanted was to go home. “I know, but the police have to do their jobs okay? But as soon as they’re done, we’ll go home, order some Chinese food, and watch a horrible chick flick okay?” You nodded, leaning your head on his chest again, loosely holding onto him. You started shivering, mostly because it was October in Chicago, the wind biting your exposed skin. 

“Here,” he said softly, pulling off his jacket and helping you put it on. “I know nothing I can say can make this any better, but I’m here okay?” You nodded, knowing he meant it.

It took three more hours before they let you leave, having taken your statement. Jay walked closely behind you, hand on your back as he led you to the car. You weren’t allowed back in the building to get your things. They’d call Jay when you could. The ride home was quiet, Jay holding onto your hand tightly the entire way. 

When you got home, you stood in the foyer, not sure what to do. That morning, you’d left like any normal day. Now, things were different. Your view of the world was different.

“Why?” you asked, not to Jay, but just out loud. You weren’t expecting an answer. There was no answer as far as you were concerned. It felt like there was no rhyme or reason for it. “They-Jay, they’re just kids,” you finally said, looking up at him, bottom lip quivering again.

“I don’t know, Y/N. Some people are just monsters.” You knew it to be true. Jay knew it to be true. He spent day in and day out looking for the monsters of the world. He knew better than anybody the kinds of people that were out there. 

“They’re kids!” you yelled, not sure why. It felt right, so why not? “School is supposed to be safe for them! It’s supposed to be where they can go to get out of bad situations!” Jay leaned against the wall, arms crossed, listening to you. “How are we supposed to protect them? Kids are killing kids on the streets! Guns are in everybody’s hands! I thought Chicago was supposed to have one of the strictest gun laws in the country!” 

“I know,” he said, but you cut him off.

“Do you, Jay? Do you?” you asked, not sure why you were so angry at him. “You weren’t there! You don’t know!” How could you explain it to him? How could you tell him how scared you were, how you thought you were going to die? How could you try to relive your students -- a group of six year olds -- crying because they might not get to go home? Was there a way to explain it?

“Y/N,” he said softly, arms uncrossing as he took a slow, hesitant step towards you. “I know what it’s like thinking you’re going to die.” You looked up at him, chewing on your bottom lip. “I know that fear. I understand.”

“No, Jay. That...That’s different. That was war,” you argued, shaking your head. 

“It’s the same,” he assured you. “Maybe different circumstances, but that fear you felt. That fear I can tell you’re still feeling. I understand that. And I’m here. I’ll listen. Yell at me, use me as an emotional punching bag, I can handle it, okay? I was there, and you helped pull me out. And I’ll be here to do the same. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. And if you don’t, I won’t push it, okay? Just like you do for me.” 

You nodded, trying to hold back more tears. You still didn’t believe it was the same, but he seemed to think it was. 

“How many?” you asked, knowing he’d have the answer for you. He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before looking at you.

“Two teachers, eight students,” he answered before you’re hand shot to your mouth, trying to muffle the choked sob that escaped. 

“How old?” You needed to know. You’d convinced yourself that you needed to know this. 

“Y/N,” he said, shaking his head, obviously not wanting to tell you.

“How. Old.” You spoke through clenched teeth. He wasn’t budging though, mouth pressed in a straight line. “How old were they, Jay! How old!” 

“Two of them were five, and the other six were six years old,” he finally answered, unblinking as he told you. You saw your students in the back of your mind. What if it had been one of them? What if you’d failed them and it had been one of them? “Wherever your mind is going right now, bring it back,” he told you.

“I did everything right. I did everything they taught us. Lock the doors. Stay quiet. Grab the fire extinguisher." By the time you got to the last step, you were practically whispering. 

"You did everything right, Y/N," he agreed. "And you know what happened?" You shook your head, needing him to tell you. "You got out of that building alive, with no injuries. And you got sixteen six year olds back to their parents today." 

“Did they get him?” you then asked, not able to look at him again. This was the answer you truly needed to know. 

“Yeah, baby. They got him.” You couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I want to go to bed,” you answered. Jay didn’t say anything else, following you to the bedroom. You tried to block it all out of your head, tried to not think about it. But the more you tried not to think about it, the more you thought about it. It was a vicious cycle. Jay got changed into his sweats, and you couldn’t help but just stand there, unmoving. 

“It’s okay,” he assured you, grabbing a pair of your pajamas and setting them on the bed. He moved slowly, gently as he got you undressed before helping you into your pajamas. You didn’t realize your hands were shaking until he took them in his. “Let’s lay down, okay?” 

You nodded again, climbing into bed with him. It took a minute to get comfortable, but when you did, you relaxed into him. Your head rested on his chest, arm draped over his waist, holding onto him like a liferaft. His hands stroked through your hair slowly, gently. It was just calming enough to help you fall asleep.

-----

You were running down a seemingly endless hallway, footsteps following close behind. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, your lungs burning with every inhale and freezing with every exhale. You could see the kids in the distance, but you couldn’t get to them before shots rang out. Each of them fell to the ground, a scream clawing at your throat as tears stung your eyes. 

“Y/N!” Who was calling you? It sounded familiar. “Y/N!” Again. Someone was shaking you, eyes flying open. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Jay assured you as you started to realize that you were at home, safe, with him. He let you process it for a couple of minutes, not saying anything, looking at you with tired eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” you answered quickly, sitting up. You didn’t move off the bed, staring at the wall in front of you. Like Jay promised, he didn’t push it. 

“Voight was the one to call me,” he told you softly. “Trudy had found out what was going on at the school and had told him, since she remembered a conversation we’d had where I mentioned where you worked. It had just been a small talk conversation, she’d been asking how you were. But she remembered that detail.” That got you to look at him. “I remember feeling terrified, like my blood had turned to ice. I froze until Voight dragged me to my car and told me to go. And when I got there, I asked if anybody had seen you, and they’d all said no. I couldn’t help but think the worst. Then, I saw you come out of the building, alive. I almost couldn’t believe it at first, but then you ran to me. As soon as I had you in my arms, I knew it was going to be okay eventually.” 

You didn’t know why he was telling you this. Was it to guilt you into talking about it? Jay had promised he wouldn’t push it, the same courtesy you gave him, so that most likely wasn’t it. 

“Y/N, I thought I lost you, for good. Whatever it is, whatever your brain is coming up with, it’s not gonna scare me off, okay?” You nodded, laying back down. It wasn’t like before though, kissing him as soon as you were close enough. 

It seemed to take him by surprise before his lips moved slowly against yours. But you didn’t want slow. You wanted him to help you forget, to push it completely out of your mind, if only for a couple of hours. Your nails raked down his chest, eliciting a groan from him.  

“We can’t,” he told you against your lips. 

“Yes we can.” You didn’t want to take no for an answer, determined to forget. “Please, Jay.” He kissed you for a bit longer, but as soon as you tried to dip your hand down the front of his pants, he grabbed your wrist. 

“Not tonight. You’re upset, like me after Ben. Not tonight.” You pressed a softer kiss to his lips, tears coming back. Would you ever stop crying? “I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah,” you agreed. He nodded, pulling you against his chest again. It was going to take you a while, but he seemed to believe that you’d be okay. 

-----

You’d taken a sabbatical from work after the shooting, taking the next year off. You spent the time working with underprivileged youth. It had helped clear your mind, and it helped you move past what had happened. As much as you missed teaching, as much as you missed the younger kids, it gave you a new perspective on what your future could be, professional wise. Jay hadn’t wanted you to do it, but he didn’t stop you. Just because it wasn’t something he agreed with didn’t mean he didn’t support you through it. 

It had also given you a lot of time to think about what you wanted from your life in general. You weren’t getting any younger afterall. You were almost thirty-five. You’d been married to Jay for nearly half your life, but it didn’t feel official. The conversation the two of you had a few years ago had been coming to mind more often, when he asked you if you’d consider marrying him again because you loved him, and not because he was joining the Army. It truly felt like a lifetime ago. In reality, it was. 

“What smells so good?” Jay asked when he got home. You’d picked up cooking, taking some classes to kill some time. You’d found enjoyment in it, plus, Jay wasn’t one to complain. Until he had to go to the gym, then he complained. 

“Making ravioli,” you answered, kissing him when he walked up to you. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” You scooped out a piece, letting him try it. 

“That’s good,” he said as he chewed, earning him a gentle smack to remind him of manners. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Well, we’ve been married for almost fifteen years, and dating for nearly a decade,” you reminded him. It was always weird to say it backwards, most people dating longer than they’d been married. “I was thinking, maybe it’s time to renew our vows. Officially. In a ceremony.”

“You want to get married again?” he asked with a smug smile. 

“Yes, I want to get married again. Because I love you.” His smile got wider as you used his own words against him. 

“I’ll be right back.” You couldn’t help but chuckle as he quickly left the room, turning your attention back to the food to make sure it didn’t burn. When he came back, one arm snaked around your middle, his chin resting on your shoulder. What you weren’t expecting was for his free hand to hold up a small, velvet box. 

“What is this, Jay?” you asked even though you already knew. 

“Open it.” You set down the spoon, taking the box from him. When you opened it, you didn’t know what you were expecting. It was a simple, silver band with one larger set diamond surrounded by smaller ones. It was an engagement ring. 

“Jay,” you said softly.

“Try it on.” He didn’t have to tell you twice before you took the ring out and slipped it on your finger. “I know I got you a ring pop for our short-lived last engagement, but I wanted to do it right this time.” 

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about, Jay Halstead. Since you haven’t asked me anything.” You turned around in his arms, your hand resting on his cheek with the brightest smile on your face. 

“Y/N. Will you marry me? Again?” he asked softly. As much as you loved him, and as much as you loved the first time he asked you to marry him, this time, it felt right. This time, it was for real. 

“Yes, Jay. I’ll marry you.” He smiled again, hope and love in those blue eyes. This was where you wanted to be for the rest of your life.

[captainchocolatesstuff]

Paw Prints

Alpha!Josuke x Omega!Reader

You had a dog once when you were young. She was an American pit bull terrier, had black splotches on her white coat, and the most adorable smile that you loved. Her name was Dahlia, and she was the best companion you could ever ask for when you were young. There was also a small nightly ritual when you both went to sleep on your bed, you would cover Dahlia’s back with a lavender blanket that had white paw prints all over it before she would scoot closer to your small body to keep you warm during the night. She was always with you and she was always your very first friend, she was there for you when your parents divorced, she was there when you got hurt in the playground, and she was there when your parents brought you home after you were born.

So it made sense that you would be there for her when she passed away next to you on your bed, covered in your favorite blanket. You could remember bawling your eyes out as your dad came in only to find you crying as you hugged Dahlia tightly. You and your dad cried together that night. Since then you kept that paw-printed blanket close, it was the first item you scented once you presented as an omega, and in a way it made you feel closer to Dahlia. Eventually, your dad found work in Japan in a small town called Morioh and you didn’t mind it at all. Your mom hardly made contact with you or your father anyways, so you didn’t see a problem with it.

You got used to the place eventually, it wasn’t like city life but you were content with that. You didn’t make too many friends but Yukako Yamagishi, a beta, was the first friend you made when you first moved in. She helped you with your stumbling Japanese when your father couldn’t help you, there were also sleepovers shared between you two, and despite being a beta she often helped chase away any rude and condescending alphas that tried to make a pass at you. She was like the sister you never got the chance to have, and you appreciated the fact that she was in your life. 

Though recently you have been seeing a humanoid with a dog skull on her head, she also had a skeletal dog looking tail, she didn’t speak as far as you could tell but she did mimick dog sounds. Apparently, your father couldn’t see her so you figured she was an apparition of some sort that could shift in between “her” humanoid and beast form. 

When you told Yukako you were worried that she’d think you were sick but it came as a surprise to you when she also told you about what her hair can do now what it didn’t previously. You both ended up helping each other name them as time went on, but lately, things had gotten a bit strange for you since then.

After hearing about Yukako getting together with her crush you soon realized how much time you had on your hands since her little dates, so you did the best you could to make the most of it without your friend. You went out getting books and manga with your allowance and got some treats on the way both for your self and for any animal you happened to run by. While licking your ice cream you heard a  whine, pausing your steps you looked around trying to figure out where it came from. 

“Hey, come on bud, don’t give me a hard time now, I’m trying to help you”, you hear an exasperated sigh and some rustling.

Following the voice, you soon found a boy, and judging by his uniform he attended the same school as you. You heard a yip that sounded like a puppy and was about to walk over until you saw a pink and blue figure rise up from behind him. You starred in silent awe as you watched him and his “companion” leaned down and picked up a puppy. The dog looked to be of a Shiba Inu breed.

“See, now that wasn’t so bad! Heh! But~ you’re pretty dirty with all that mud on ya”, the boy says as his companion places the pup in his hands.

You couldn’t help but giggle, revealing your location making the boy snap his attention over to you, “Oh! Uh- hey! Is this your dog?”, he asks as he lifts the pup.

You shook your head, “No, I actually came over because I heard the puppy, I was gonna help but I see that someone beat me to it”, you say as you walk over, when you were close enough you were mildly surprised by his scent that practically screamed Apex Alpha, still though you shrugged it off in favor of looking at the pup.

“I live nearby, wanna come over so we can clean them up before taking them to the shelter?”, you ask.

“Oh, sure! I don’t have much else to do anyway”, he shrugged sheepishly before following you.

The puppy squirmed in his hold as you introduced yourself, “I’m (Y/n) by the way, (Y/n) (L/n)”.

“Oh! I think I heard of you, ah well, anyways, I’m Josuke Higashikata! Er, do you happen to know a Yukako Yamagishi?”, he asked after he introduced himself.

You help him adjust the puppy in his hold before speaking, “Yes actually, she was one of my first friends when I moved over here, though right now she’s out somewhere with her boyfriend”, you explain before asking, “Why, do you know her?”

“Yeah, we’re acquaintances so to say~ and her boyfriend just so happens to be a friend of mine”, he grins.

“Oh! So you’re a friend of Koichi Hirose”, you point out before smiling, “Wow, how coincidental that we run into each other then…”, you trail off before blurting out, “That, and I’m also surprised to see that there are more people like me and Yukako-chan”.

“Hm?! You have a stand too?!”, he asked, surprise clearly written all over his face.

“Oh? Is that what they are called? Ah- then I guess I do have a “stand” I call her Wolf and Dog”, you say as you summon your ‘stand’. She perked up at the sight of the pup and leaned down as the puppy sniffed around.

“A-ah? Why that name?”, Josuke asked, a bit puzzled.

“You see, she has two forms the one you see now and another one that takes on a more bestial appearance, she looks more like a wolf in her beast form and she kinda acts like a dog in her humanoid form despite having a mostly human form”, you explain.

“Wow, your probably the first Omega that I have met that has a stand”, Joske awed at your stand before summoning his, and now that you had a closer look the stand’s armor kind of reminded you of the hardness of a diamond, “This is my stand, I call him Crazy Diamond”.

“How fitting”, you chirp making him look over at you questionably, “His armor kind of reminds me of a diamond”, you explain briefly before arriving at your home.

You lead Josuke inside your home and to the restroom, as you both set up the bath to clean up the puppy, you two really tried to calm the squirming dog and for half the time the poor thing cried until you were able to persuade it with treats. 

Josuke was busy drying the pup, and as he did he couldn’t help but look at the pictures that happened to be around the house, he saw some that had your parents, yourself, and a dog. The ones that caught his attention the most were the ones that included you and the dog that you were so happy with, your dad was occasionally included, and some of them even had the years on them. His eyes soon wandered to one picture that had your dad, your self, and the old dog with a blanket that had paw prints on it, but the one after that only had you and your dad and the picture was seemingly taken the year after the one he saw before with no dog in sight, but you were holding the paw-printed blanket.

“Her name was Dahlia if that’s what you were wondering”, your voice interrupted his train of thought as he blinked before looking over at you.

“Dahlia?”, he asked, not noticing the puppy moving around on his lap until he felt the pup nuzzle it’s face into his stomach, in mute surprise he looked down at the pup before picking it up and cradling it.

“Yep, she was a good dog, was there for me since my birth”, you smile as you walk over to him and pat the puppy’s head before moving away.

“Woah, really?”, Josuke looked at you as you picked up a picture that had you and your dog together.

“Yep! She was a great friend and helped me through tough times, but she passed away when we were sleeping, it did hurt for a while but I pulled through when I decided to keep her blanket as mine”, you smile at him, “It made me feel closer to her in a sense, I wasn’t really ready to get a new dog not that I could at the time or at all really since we moved here it’s been different”, you shrug before standing and stretching. 

“Ready to go drop them off?”, you ask.

Josuke smiled at you before nodding, “Yeah~ Let’s go, ‘sides I am pretty sure my mom is wondering where I am”, he chuckled.

~~~

Since that day, you and Josuke have been running into one another a lot more, he even introduced you to a friend of his, Okuyasu Nijimura. An alpha that was more gentle than one could imagine since his appearance had a tendency to drive away others, but you two became quick friends since his childish and dorky persona got to you quickly. But when Josuke and Okuyasu were together you couldn’t help but think of them as energetic puppies, in a positive sense of course, and their energy often got to you too since the time you hung around them.

“So what do you plan on doing after school is done (Y/n)?”, Okuyasu asked before taking a sip from his milk carton.

Josuke blinked for a moment as he looked up at you from his meal, “Oh yeah I forgot to ask you that…~”

You smiled, “Well I was thinking of going out to the ice cream shop before walking over to the shelter to check on Mochi”, you answer before taking a bite of your sandwich.

“Mochi? Oh! Is that the puppy we rescued a month while back?”, Josuke asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yep! But for some reason no one has offered to adopt him yet, I thought people would want the puppy”, you hum as you give a thoughtful look.

“You guys rescued a puppy?!”, Okuyasu exclaimed as you looked between you two.

You chuckle as Josuke looked over at his friend, “Hm? I thought I told you about that already, it was how I met (Y/n)”.

“Really? I guess I forgot”, Okuyasu cupped his chin between his thumb and forefinger as he tried to recall the moment, but then his eyes snapped back between you two as he asked, “Can I visit him with you (Y/n)?!”

“Sure, I don’t mind, I assume you’re also coming too right Josuke?”, you cheekily ask.

A light pink dusted Josuke’s cheeks before he smiled at you, “Of course! Besides it’s been a while since I last had ice cream”.

You nodded as you grin, “Alright then, let's head to the ice cream place first”, you chirp as you march forward.

Josuke let a small smile form on his lips as he watched you do your peppy little march until Okuyasu elbowed him with a chuckle, startling him, “Gah! Okuyasu~! What was that for!?”, Josuke gave his friend a light glare as Okuyasu smiled at him.

“Dude, you’re being so obvious right now!”, Okuyasu pointed out as he discreetly gestured towards you, “You totally have the hots for (Y/n)!”his friend whisper shouted making Josuke stumble on his words as he stared wide- eyed at his friend.

“W-wha-?! What made you come to that conclusion!!”, Josuke panicked as he looked over at you briefly, already feeling his cheeks heat up more.

“That’s cuz you’re being obvious bro, your face is even getting all red!”, Okuyasu laughed before Josuke shushed him by quickly placing his hand over his mouth, “Shush Okuyasu! What if she hears you?!”, taking a quick look at you he saw that you were talking to another student before he looked back at Okuyasu, “Can we talk about this later? I- don’t know if I can say anything yet”, he pleaded with his friend as he let him go.

Okuyasu nodded as did a quick thumbs up as he whispered, “I promise to keep my lips shut”.

You turned to look over your shoulder before waving at the two boys as your classmate left while scribbling notes on their book, “Hey! Josuke! Okuyasu! Hurry up you slow pokes!”.

“Coming!”, they shout as they jog up to you so you could all go to the ice cream shop.

Once you all got your Ice creams you made your way to the shelter, talking about school and home lives and even cracked a few jokes here and there, all while Okuyasu occasionally spotted his friend with a small smile and a soft look in his eyes when his attention was on you.

“Hey, we’re here!” Okuyasu yelled.

You smiled at his enthusiasm as you finished your cone, “Alright then, let's go see Mochi!”, you chirp.

Josuke opened the door for you as he and Okuyasu entered together, you talked to the receptionist before being lead to the dog kennels, soon enough you saw a wagging tail waiting for you as one of the workers laughed, “Mochi missed you so much, are you sure you can’t take him home (L/n)-san?”, she asked.

“Well, I’d like to but I… still don’t know if I’m ready to have another dog just yet”, you chuckle nervously as you pat the puppy.

“You may want to make up your mind soon, otherwise the next time you visit the little guy will have a home already”, the worker says before leaving.

You give a weak smile towards the gnawing puppy before picking him up and walking back to the boys, when you saw Okuyasu you waved him over when they looked over at you, “Say hello to Mochi guys!” 

You grin as Okuyasu grinned and made his way over to you before stroking Mochi who in turn yipped, “Aw~ He’s so fluffy and round! Man, now I wish I had a dog!”, Okuyasu whines as Josuke makes his way over and strokes the puppy’s ears.

“Hey Mo~ How's it going buddy”, Josuke greets the puppy, Mochi only barked in response as he excitedly licked Josuke’s hand, “Missed you too buddy”, he chuckled.

You all spent time playing with Mochi for nearly three hours, but you had to leave since you guys had homework to finish up, Josuke and Okuyasu were kind enough to drop you off at home, but when they left you couldn’t help but stare at Josuke’s figure for a while longer. A small purr of content made its way to your chest as your omega let out a mute whine at seeing the apex leave with his alpha friend4

“Maybe… another time”, you think as you close your house door.

“So can we talk about it now?”, Okuyasu, asked much to Josuke’s dismay, but in the end he admittedly wanted someone to confide in.

“I… I do like her… a lot”, Josuke admits as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Then why not ask her out already?”, Okuyasu asked, oblivious to the silent battle Josuke was having with himself.

“That’s the thing! I don’t know if she likes me back! I like her I really do but I just don’t know how to go about and approach her, I mean it would be embarrassing to make her a gift only to get rejected, I don’t think my inner apex would handle that well”, Josuke says as a low rumble like whine thumbed his chest.

Okyuasu pat his back to comfort his conflicted friend, “Look, I’m not exactly an expert on all this- uh- “love” struggle, but i’ll be cheering you on from the side lines, I’m sure you have a good chance with her”, Okuyasu smiles before a warble escaped his chest as tears and snoot ran down his face, “That’ll also mean I will be the only one in our group to not have a girlfriend!”, he cried.

Josuke chuckled as he comforted his friend, but nonetheless appreciated his friend's support, “Thanks Okuyasu”.

After parting ways Josuke entered his home with a tired sigh as he sat at the kitchen table, he rested his head on his crossed arms as he stared at the table cloth’s patterns.

“Josuke can you- Hm? Josuke what’s wrong?”, his mom asked him, her alpha scent that was once neutral now radiating comforting soft scents like caramel and sugar as she approached her son while purring after smelling the aroma of dust and overheated wires, rather than his usual hairspray and hazelnut mix.

“I-... like an omega”, he mumbled at the end, Tomoko chuckled as she pat her son’s shoulder.

“You know I can’t hear you when you hide your face like that”, Tomoko gives Josuke’s shoulder a comforting squeeze before dragging a chair to sit in front of her son as she sighed, “Now, can you repeat what you said?”

Josuke felt his cheeks flush as he sat up a bit straighter, “I really want to court an omega, but… I don’t know if she’ll like me”, he trails off.

Tomoko jovally laughed, making Josuke pout but before he could say anything he beat him to the punch, “Josuke, it is normal to feel nervous when it comes to things like this, now what’s the name of this omega that caught your attention?”.

Josuke blushed but sighed as he let himself relax, “(Y/n) (L/n), I met her a few months back when I was trying to help a puppy out of a pit”, he revealed.

“(Y/n) huh, can you tell me about her?”, Tomoko was patient when she saw the gentle smile on her son’s face, a look she was mildly taken aback by but nonetheless smiled at.

“She is very kind, and supportive, she’s a bit quiet at first when you meet her but she can be pretty outgoing when you get to know her, yet she’s still soft spoken with her words and almost loyal to a fault to those she gets close to, and she it always willing to help others”, Joske didn’t know it but as he talked more and more about you, his smile was growing as his aroma began to take on a softer scent.

“She sounds amazing Josuke”, Tomoko smiles as she grabs her son’s hand and gives a gentle squeeze, “I suggest, you go for it Josuke, from what I can tell she is a good person, but if you wait too long someone else might snatch her away before you get the chance to tell her”

Josuke’s inner alpha growled and whined at the thought but when his mom gently shook his hand, he listened to what she had to say, “So don’t let this chance slip away, you might not get another one”.

Josuke gave a small smile as his mom hugged him while he hugged her back, all while a thought came to mind.

“Hey mom, can you help me with something?”.

~~~

Your heat was going to come soon, and the reason why you knew this was because of the calendar you had hanging on your door, a red marker indicating when your heat would begin and end, your father worried about you at this time but you waved him off and reassured him about your upcoming heat. And in the process of it all you were also planning on telling Josuke your feelings, by giving him the blanket you adored.

You were nervous really, but you didn’t want to wait around after weeks of realizing the feelings you harbord for him. But, you were also scared, what would be the point of it all if he flat out rejected your courting offer.

Still, you took a deep breath and attended to school regularly, but it did take you a bit by surprise when Josuke approached you, “Hey (Y/n), would you mind coming over to my house after school I got something I want to show you”, he smiled at you bashfully as he waited for your answer.

Momentarily caught off guard you couldn’t help but blush as you smiled at him, “U-uh sure! I wouldn’t mind at all!”, you grin as he beamed at you.

“That’s great! I’ll see you after school (Y/n)!”, he waves as he goes to his class while you went to yours, returning his wave.

For the rest of the period you couldn’t really focus on your studies, you caught yourself occasionally day dreaming as you anxiously waited for the day to end, but once it did you got anxious again wondering if it was a good time to give Josuke the blanket.

As you waited by the gate you had the urge to cuddle your blanket, so you quickly looked around before taking out the folded blanket and hugging it, purring softly until a distressed chirp escaped you when you felt a rough shove push you to the ground.

Growls sounded above you as two omega and beta scents entered your nose making you snap your head up, you glared at them with a growl of your own, “Hey! What was that for?!”.

“Stay away from Josuke-kun you stupid pup-maker!”, one of the omegas growled at you as the beta stepped in by ripping your blanket away from you, panic and fury surging in you as you attempted to reach out for your blanket.

“Hey- ack!”, you felt a kick to your side as you were pushed down by the other omega.

“Were you seriously planning on giving this pathetic fabric to Josuke? You really are a stupid forgener you know”, the beta huffed, then you heard a tear and you stared in horror as you watched your blanket be ripped in two, “Heh, it’s even weak too, couldn’t last a tug”, she taunted. The other two omegas looked mildly panicked when they realized what she did.

You bare your fangs as Dog and Wolf took on it’s beastal appearence and attacked one of the omegas as you launched yourself at the beta with a feral roar, panicked cries and shrieks came from then as you grappled with the beta, landing a few punches and scratches. You kept at it until you felt a strong pair of arms pull you away.

“(Y/n)! (Y/n)! Stop, stop it’s okay! I’m here now!”, you hear Josuke’s panicked words attempt to comfort you as you struggle, so he began to chur as he hugged you while turning around to bury your face in his chest.

Soon you stopped struggling and began to stiffly sob in his chest while Josuke stared at the girls, “What did you do?”.

“We didn’t do anything honest! She went feral out of nowhere an attacked-”

“No, Yukiko ripped her blanket, we- we just wanted to intimidate her but… Yukiko went too far!”, one omega revealed.

“Hana!!”, the beta cried out at her friend's betrayal.

“No Hana is right, you went too far Yukiko”, the second omega says.

Your sobbing was quiet as Josuke held you protectively, “Please leave… what you guys did, what you were doing was disgusting… so leave and don’t come near (Y/n) again unless you’re going to apologize”, he says, you heard the thumping of feet before Josuke slowly let you go.

“Crazy Diamond”, Josuke called the stand out, you turned your head slightly as you let go of Josuke and watched as the stand let out a ‘Dora’ as it fixed your blanket back together.

Josuke grabbed it before giving it to you, “Here”, he says softly, only for you two gently push it back to him, making him pause, “...(Y/n)?”.

“It was… it was my offering to you since… my heat will be coming soon I just thought… just thought-”, your voice was cracking as your hand shook, already assuming the worse as Josuke stood there silently before you jolted at his sudden embrace.

“I- am very happy- that you trust me with this (Y/n)!”, Josuke exclaimed as churrs rumbled from his chest, soon your purrs began to mix in with his as you embraced him tightly.

Bounus:

“So I also have something for you waiting at my house, it was going to be a surprise but I might as well say that it is a courting gift”, Josuke bashfully rubbed his neck as his other hand held yours.

“Thank you Josuke, really, I feel pretty lucky to have you as an alpha now~”, you chuckle as a blush settled on both of your faces, Josuke opened his door as he smiled at you.

“I also got help from my mom so I’m sure you’ll love this”, he reveals making you tilt your head until you hear jingling coming from down the hall, and excited yips. You gasp at the familiar puppy.

“Mochi!”, you squeal as you bent down  to pick up the puppy, you smile as he licked your face until you caught something on his caller, it was a handmade bracelet.

You looked up at Josuke with a smile, “Do you really want me to marry you this early Josuke?”

“(Y/n)!!”

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Us and Andie Ch. 3

Summary: Bucky works as an Avenger because it’s what’s right. He feels he has sins he’ll never be able to make up for, but he’ll spend the rest of his life trying. However, his life takes an unexpected turn when he comes across Andie, the daughter of recently divorced Y/N. The life he had once “maintained” in hopes of surviving changes as his heart warms for a tough-as-nails nurse and her wonderful daughter.

Pairing: Bucky x singleparent!Reader

Word Count: 5130 (Guys, this just keeps getting higher and higher, wtf)

Warnings: Nothing. Guys, this is fluff. I mean, there will be angst in later chapters, but not yet. I’ll warn ya when we get there.

Masterlist

Silence had a way of filling a room and making it feel heavy. For the Avengers, a team that was constantly outspoken and filled with energy, that silence was deafening and suffocating. The only person who ever seemed to find true peace with it was Bucky. But now, everyone was silent for a different reason.

They were watching Andie.

The girl had so easily snuck out from under the nose of five heroes and managed to evade a team of them for hours. It took a Hulk with a craving to find her again.

And that alone was enough to impress Tony. He was highly amused by the girl and found her brutal honesty as refreshing as being around Happy or Rhodey. He hadn’t realized it was a quality he respected so much until he was fine with a kid behaving in such a manner. But he knew Andie wasn’t supposed to be here and after an update from F.R.I.D.A.Y., he realized how out of hand everything had gotten. So now, he watched as Bruce and Andie kept up their game, listening to Peter and Sam explain the last several hours of their day.

He shrugged, turning back to them. “Well, I called her mom and she’s on her way.” 

“You know her mom?” Steve raised an eyebrow and Tony laughed.

“Uh…F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Tony pointed up to the ceiling and Steve knew in that moment that he should have already assumed. F.R.I.D.A.Y. was extremely good at getting information.

“So she’s heading this way?” Steve glanced back at Andie, arms crossed and brow furrowed. Tony knew that look all too well.

“Is there something wrong with that, Cap?”

“No…I…” He trailed off and Tony snorted, shaking his head and going back to his work.

“Keep your secrets, Old man. But make sure Manchurian Candidate over there doesn’t explode. I really don’t want to have to clean this place up.”

Steve chuckled. The more forgiving Tony was as time passed, the more he teased Bucky. And it showed a much needed progress for his two friends. He wanted his team to be a family. To be able to work together and rely on one another. That being said, he turned his attention back to his oldest friend.

Bucky was sitting on a stool, leg bouncing restlessly but eyes never wavering. He was absolutely fixated on Andie. It seemed the concern he had was clear to everyone in the room except for him. But no one dared comment on it. Instead, he let himself smile as Andie turned over an empty bag that was once filled with what was hers and Bruce’s favorite candy. He rose to his feet, finally earning the kid’s attention. “Come on, Andie. Can throw that away and wait for your mom in the living room.”

She nodded and hopped off, taking his hand in hers before following him out of the room. When the doors finally closed, there was nothing but silence. Everyone had watched how easily she had listened to him. How easily she had touched him. And there was no fear from her. No tension from him.

“She’s got him wrapped around her finger, doesn’t she?” Sam asked, already knowing the answer.

Rather than answer Sam’s question, Tony asked, “Why do you think I called her mom?”

Steve immediately looked at him.

Still, Tony didn’t look up. The only sign of ‘guilt’ on his face was the smirk that was cast in a glow emanating from the iron-suit.

-.-

Bucky sat in one of the awkward, too-stiff chairs near the foyer. It seemed Tony knew the Avengers should expect guests and had this area set up for just that. Right now, he had Andie situated on the couch with a pair of Falcon’s goggles in her hands. She had tried to put them on to the best of her abilities, jumping around as if she was about to take flight. Unlike most kids he had crossed paths with these days, she was heavily relying on her imagination. He wandered if it was a choice or because her family didn’t have the means for her to have access to technology.

“Kid, take a seat. Your mom’s going to be here soon.”

She had been hanging over the back of the couch, but at the title ‘kid’, she looked back at him. “I thought you weren’t going to call me that anymore.”

“I thought your name was ‘Andie’.”

She frowned, taking off the goggles and tossing them on the table between them. “It is.”

“No. According to your mom, your name is ‘Lauren’.”

Her shoulders tensed at that name. He couldn’t help but be curious as to how often she actually heard it. Why did she hate it so much? “You don’t get to call me that.”

“I don’t?”

“You’re not my parent.”

Bucky leaned back in his chair, rubbing his jaw and the back of his neck. He noticed the way she stared at the table between them. It seemed the goofy kid everyone found utterly adorable was no where in sight. He’d overstepped. Tapping his foot, he found himself watching the way she picked at her nails. They were short and he realized she probably chewed them. A nervous habit. “I don’t go by my first name either.”

“I know.” Her voice was soft as she tucked a leg into her chest. She changed her mind as she started playing with her laces. “You go by a nickname from your middle name. Same as me.”

“More like what you’re doing is the same as me. I am older.”

She giggled at that and the small smile was enough to ease at least some more minor worries.

“Was it your dad that named you?”

She nodded against her knee, the action stiff and awkward, but enough of an answer for him.

“And Andromeda?”

Andie looked at him, finally meeting his gaze as she gave him one of his favorite smiles. “Look it up.” Bucky chuckled, crossing his arms and slouching more in his seat. She tilted her head, cheek resting on her bony leg. “Mom says bad posture screws up your back.”

“Oh, is that right?” He raised an eyebrow. “And what does she say about putting your shoes on the couch, huh?”

“She says don’t.”

Both immediately turned their attention to the front doors of the foyer. Y/N was standing there in scrubs and a hoodie, exhaustion even more prominent than the night he had seen her. Was it because she had gotten off a shift? Or was she always so tired?

“What the hell is she doing here?” Y/N crossed the foyer, gaze settled intently on Bucky as he rose to his feet. “I had Peter taking care of her and – “

“And the kid has an internship here. He’s friends with the Avengers.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, not entirely sure why she was angry. Sure, she hadn’t known where Andie was, but she was safe. There was no where else she could have been that would have made her more so. “Steve and Sam saw them at the park and – “

“I don’t care. That’s my kid. And Peter knows better. Just because you’re a bunch of heroes doesn’t mean – “

“Mom…”

“Not right now, Andie,” Y/N murmured, shoulders slumping. The only reason she was even remotely functional right now was because of her anger. It was keeping her awake. And she still had a long drive to get them back to Brooklyn and return her coworker’s vehicle. And she still had work tomorrow night. Crossing her arms, she looked back at Bucky and said, “She could have been with every single superhero you know. I don’t care. The fact that I didn’t know where my child was, that’s what matters. I didn’t know that she was safe. For all I knew, her fucking father – “

“Mom, I’m okay.”

“Andie.” Y/N exhaled a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. It was then that Bucky saw the tears in her eyes. He watched as Andie reached across the back of the couch and grabbed her hand, squeezing gently. “It took a call from Tony Stark for me to find out where my kid was. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is for someone like me?”

Someone like her?

Oh. A single parent. A single mother.

“No. I don’t know. And I’m sorry.”

Y/N watched him, studying his features and it seemed she believed him because she simply nodded. This reaction to his presence was so different from their last interaction that he wasn’t sure what to think. He would’ve thought she’d be happy that Andie was with good guys, but it seemed she didn’t care. She really did just want to know for herself that her kid was safe. He thought back to the community they lived in. The hospital she worked at. It wasn’t even one of the better hospitals that could provide good pay. It made him wonder – what had happened to their family?

“You must be Y/N Y/L/N.”

The trio looked back towards the inner workings of the building. There, as if waiting to make a grand entrance, was the rest of the team. Normally they would expect someone to freak out, get excited and ask for autographs, maybe a photo. But not Y/N. No, her gaze fell on Tony, recognizing his voice from their earlier phone call and the numerous times she had heard him on the news.

He walked forward, immediately shaking her hand. Bucky watched the exchange, completely puzzled. There was nothing about this situation that required the whole team and yet even Wanda and Vision were lingering in the background, waiting to get to know these two people.

“Please, don’t introduce yourselves. I’m pretty sure anyone with common sense knows who you are,” Y/N said, smiling at Tony before looking to everyone else.

“Those are our codenames though,” Sam reminded.

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Alright.”

Andie grinned as if something really cool was about to happen. She looked at Sam, as if her expression alone told him: You are so wrong.

Pointing one by one, Y/N said, “Sam Wilson. Steve Rogers. Natasha Romanoff. Clint Barton. Bruce Banner. Vision. Wanda Maximoff. Tony Stark.” Her gaze settled on Bucky. “James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Just – “

“Bucky.” The nickname slipped out of hers and Bucky’s mouths together and Steve was barely able to hide his smile.

Andie added, “She knows.”

Y/N chuckled down at her girl, pulling her into a little side hug as she told the team, “You aren’t nearly as anonymous as you would like to believe. Anyone with a computer can find out your actual names and anyone who witnessed Sekovia or the Accords would certainly be reminded.”

“You’re not one of the people who hates us, are you,” Sam asked, earning a shove from Steve. “Look, it is a legitimate question. Especially in our line of work.”

Y/N laughed. It was beautiful and simple and the sound made Bucky smile. He ducked his head, hiding behind loose strands of hair so as to hide any flush that could have appeared. No one seemed to notice. Except for Steve. “I don’t hate any of you. I think all of you mean well and, except for Vision and Thor, you’re human. Humans make mistakes. Humans try their best. With your talents, you’re trying to do some good in the world, right?” She didn’t need an answer. “So it’s not even that I don’t hate you. I can’t.”

Tony smiled at that, looking back at Steve. The two seemed to have their own little conversation, silent to everyone but themselves.

“And on that note,” she said, squeezing Andie before releasing her. “We got to get on the road.”

Tony whipped his head around as Bucky looked up. But both reacted for entirely different reasons. It seemed Andie’s initial joke of playing matchmaker now had two important players: Tony and Steve.

And they were determined to see if maybe there was potential for something.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

“Since we scared you and you have that long drive ahead of you anyway, why don’t you stay for dinner,” Tony offered. The confused look from Bucky didn’t go unnoticed, but it was certainly ignored. “Consider it a peace offering?”

“Please, Mom?”

Y/N offered a weak smile, shaking her head. “I wish we could, but I work tomorrow night and Andie has school.”

“We can take her,” Steve offered, shrugging.

“And there’s plenty of rooms here. You could stay the night. Get some actual sleep instead of worrying about all that traffic,” Natasha added.

Andie’s eyes seemed to light up like a kid at Christmas. “Oh, please! Please, can we, Mom?” She swung off Y/N’s arm, seemingly trying to exhaust her into a yes.

“I – Look, as kind as that is, it really isn’t necessary.”

Peter smiled, knowing exactly where this was coming from. Y/N didn’t like charity. Though May hadn’t told him everything that had happened in Y/N’s divorce, he knew it was messy. He knew she had to pick up a lot of pieces and right now she was just looking out for Andie. She had a lot of pride despite everything. Still…it was okay to accept a nice gesture. It wasn’t pity. It was help. “I was going to stay for dinner. If you want, I can stay the night too and take Andie to school tomorrow.”

The idea of Andie going with someone she was more familiar with made Y/N feel at ease. It was ridiculous. They were superheroes. She should feel perfectly fine with her daughter in their hands, but she didn’t know them. And that made a difference. At least now it did. Turning her gaze back to Andie, she noticed that pleading look in her eyes. Andie was pretty good at reading rooms and not asking for things. She was good at knowing when it wasn’t time to push.

So this must really be something she wanted.

“…Okay.”

-.-

The kitchen was chaotic to say the least. Since the Avengers normally ate out or ordered in, it was odd seeing them try to be so…domestic. It turned out that none of them really knew how to cook. Except for Sam and Wanda.

So now they were trying to put together something that could qualify as a meal for Y/N and Andie.

Y/N watched them from the couch as her daughter tried to settle on a movie. At first, they tried to offer her some of Natasha’s clothes to change into, but she had merely laughed at the idea. She knew she could never fit in Natasha’s clothes and didn’t need that twinge of self-loathing. So instead, Steve leant her a hoodie and sweats. They were baggy on her, but she looked cozy.

Cute, Bucky thought as he sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“Do they need help in there?” Y/N pointed to the kitchen, looking at Bucky and then Steve who had taken up the whole loveseat.

Bucky glanced back to see Clint trying to steal a taste of whatever meat Sam was cooking. When he was swatted away with a spatula, he knew they’d all be fine. “Don’t worry about it. They can handle a meal in the kitchen.” He looked back at Y/N. She was doing her best to be in the corner of the couch, trying to take up as little space as possible as Andie made herself comfortable, using her mother’s stomach as a pillow.

“Buck, you should braid Andie’s hair. It’d probably get her to focus on finding a movie.” Steve was mostly teasing, but it seemed his friend was determined to keep as much space between himself and the family as he could. What was he so afraid of?

Bucky glared at Steve as Andie looked from the captain to him. “Could you?”

“Uh…”

“Andie,” Y/N murmured, tugging at a strand of her hair. “These guys are already doing a lot for us. Don’t – “

“I don’t mind.”

Y/N looked up, her y/e/c eyes meeting his bright blue ones. It really was strange hearing him talk so much, but she was starting to get used to it. She was starting to like it. There was something about his voice that was calming. And here he was, playing to the whims of her little girl. “Are you sure?”

Before he had a chance to answer, Andie was already scrambling out of her mother’s lap and settling in his. He chuckled, dropping his legs from the coffee table in front of him and settling them on the floor. She took off the hat, such a small thing that she hadn’t parted with in three days, and held it out for her mom.

“Guard it with your life,” Andie said, eyes wide and silent promise already being made as Y/N chuckled and took the hat.

Bucky glanced at Y/N, silently asking if it was genuinely okay for him to do this. She simply shrugged. Who was she to deny such a simple and sweet request? Bucky turned back to Andie, gently combing his fingers through her hair. There were only a few tangles and if they hurt, she gave no inkling that that was the case.

Satisfied that her hair would behave for him, Bucky’s nimble fingers started working on her hair. It reminded him of Rebecca. When she was a little girl, she’d always ask Bucky to do her hair and he had gotten rather good at it. It seemed the muscle memory never quite left him.

Meanwhile, Steve looked at Y/N, curious how she was feeling about all of this. Everything about her looked tired and drained, but he was almost certain that she was far from relaxed. He had experience with someone being a single parent and knew that worry was always high on their list. His mom raised him as a single mother, but it was because she was a widow. She had loved her husband with everything. Seeing someone put such stress on themselves willingly made him want to ask why.

“So,” he spoke up. Clearing his throat, he was relieved when Y/N looked his way and seemed calm. “If you don’t mind my asking, how long has it been just you two?”

Bucky jerked his head, glaring at Steve. “She doesn’t have to answer that.” Whether he wanted to know the answer or not, she didn’t owe them an answer. She owed no one an explanation.

Y/N laughed softly at Bucky’s clear irritation towards the comment. “It’s fine. Honestly. Being a single mom, you get those questions every day,” she told Bucky. Looking back at Steve, she answered his question with, Eight years.”

Steve raised an eyebrow as Bucky looked her way. Eight years? Andie had a whole family for such a small period of time. “I – Wow.”

“Anything else you want to know?”

Yes. Why? How often does Andie see her father? Who decided to get the divorce? Was it mutual? Are you on good terms? What is Andie’s father like?

The questions went on and on and on, listing themselves in Bucky’s head. But he didn’t bother asking. It wasn’t his place.

“You like being single?”

Y/N hesitated when she was asked that, looking back to the kitchen. Clint was the one who asked. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and came to the chaise, plopping down on it as he looked at Y/N. Leave it to him to ask such a weird question. But she thought about it for a moment and shrugged. “Does your team?”

“Hell nah,” Sam called from the kitchen. Laughter came from everyone and Bucky couldn’t stop himself from sighing in relief. Leave it to these guys to ask something that was none of their business. “But maybe we should invite Scott over. Try to get you two…What was the word you used to always call it, Steve?”

Steve shifted, cheeks flushing red. “I don’t remember.”

“Fonduing,” Tony answered, earning a burst of giggles from Andie.

“Are you done yet,” she whispered to Bucky. He chuckled, tugging off the hair tie that was located on his wrist. He secured the braid and dropped it against her back. She grinned and touched it, trying to figure out which braid he had done for her.

“Now pick a movie, Rugrat,” he whispered in her ear. “Before the whole team decides to find a date for your mom.”

Andie wrinkled her nose at the very idea, shaking her head. “She’s not supposed to date anybody.” Looking at her mom, she added, “Not yet at least.”

Yet? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

He chuckled and shook his head as he leaned back. Bucky had every reason to believe that she would move back to her mom, but instead, she did just the opposite. Squeezing between him and the end of the couch, she had practically forced him to wrap an arm around her. Again, Bucky looked to Y/N, not sure that this was okay. But instead of anger or worry, she smiled. It seemed she was anything but bothered by the sight.

“Oh, this one!”

The team looked to the screen to see that Andie had picked out a Disney movie. “Treasure Planet.”

“But first,” Wanda called. Several plates glowed red and hovered in the air. Each was filled with food and ready to be snatched. “Let’s eat.”

Andie immediately bolted, jumping over the arm of the couch as most everyone made their way in the same direction. Bucky glanced at the spot she had wedged herself into, suddenly feeling cold. But when he noticed the way Steve watched him, that knowing smile, he shrugged off any curiosities he had. Andie was just a good kid. That’s all it was.

But then she came back with two plates of food. She held one out to him and immediately dropped back in the spot she’d been occupying. He stared, absolutely dumbfounded as he took the plate and settled it on his spare leg. She was completely oblivious, meeting his gaze and explaining, “Dinner and a show.”

Bucky laughed. Wholeheartedly. A sound Steve hadn’t heard since the 40’s and no one else had ever heard. They all paused for the briefest of moments, trying their best not to simply stare at the pair as Andie pressed play.

Sam glanced at Y/N, passing her a plate. She watched Bucky and Andie with a look on her face that he couldn’t quite read. “You know, if it’s easier on you, we could watch over her.” Y/N faced him. “There’s always someone at the compound and…I mean, we really like having her here.”

Y/N chuckled at that, shaking her head. “You’ve had her for a day.”

“Half of one,” Sam corrected, still not caring. He could make his argument. “When she’s not visiting her dad and you’re working, have her come here. You can save money on babysitting that way, right?”

She hesitated at that. It was true. Though Peter and May didn’t ask for much when it came to babysitting, the number of times she had to ask them meant that particular bill was adding up. And with Andie’s dad not paying child support…she needed all the money she could get. “I get to know who is going to be here, right?”

Sam smiled and nodded, wrapping an arm around her and giving her a small hug. “Of course. I’m sure Tony can work something out. Get you access to the compound. Half a day or not, your kid has quite a way with people. Particularly heroes.”

Y/N looked at Bucky and Andie. They were settled on the couch in such a way, it reminded her of a long time ago. Ten years. When she was still a baby and her marriage was still attempting to function. She looked like a little girl with her dad, watching a little boy on screen freak out over a space-story. It was Andie’s favorite movie. And she knew exactly why.

Blinking away tears before they had a chance to fall, she nodded. “Okay. I think – Yeah, I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”

-.-

“Bucky…Bucky, wake up.”

He jolted awake. The metal arm flexed, gears churning as he remembered where he was. He’d fallen asleep? For how long? Running a hand over his face and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he looked around and saw Andie was sitting on his lap. She’d been poking his face, but now she just watched him. The credits from whatever movie were rolling on the screen and he shifted.

What time was it?

“It’s way past my bedtime,” she told him. Holding a finger to her lips, she pointed to her sleeping mom. “I need to go to bed.”

Bucky watched her, barely hiding his amusement. “Alright.” Groaning as he rose to his feet, he kept her in his grasp. She didn’t seem to mind, instead wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his chest. It was such a simple act and yet it felt unbelievably natural. “Let’s find you a bed.”

She nodded as he carried her down the hall and he was almost positive that she was asleep. But he couldn’t exactly judge. He was tired too. Finding one of the spare rooms, he opened the door and looked around. It was bland and empty. Not nearly the type of room any kid should have, but it was just for the night. “Come on, Andie, wake up,” he whispered in her ear.

“Mmm,” she whined into his chest. His heart warmed, beating faster, but he didn’t dare think too hard about it. Instead, he set her on the bed and took her shoes off.

“Come on, Andie, wake up long enough to get under the covers.”

Andie blinked slowly, yawning. How had she fallen asleep so quickly before? He didn’t try to think too hard about it. Instead, he pulled the covers and sheets free as she shimmied out of her jeans. He barely got a chance to get the pillows ready before she dived underneath. Her arms wrapped around one of the overly fluffy pillows, burying her face in it and smiling. “Thank you, Bucky.”

“No problem, Rugrat.” He stood up, watching her for the smallest moment. She looked so frail and innocent…He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. So instead of overthinking, of dwelling, he slipped out.

Closing the door behind him, he wandered back into the common area to find the credits to the last movie still playing. Really the only one he had found himself paying attention to was the first. There were parallels in the movie that he was sure Andie related to. It made sense. Kids identified with characters for multiple reasons, but mostly it provided a validity to who they were. To their trauma.

Turning off the tv, he immediately heard movement on the couch. He glanced down at Y/N as she rolled over, still fast asleep. At some point during the second movie, she had fallen asleep. No one had the heart to wake her, instead wrapping her up in a blanket and just letting her sleep.

A part of him wanted to let her.

But he knew she would be painfully uncomfortable if she stayed there all night. He knelt beside her, brushing her hair back. She looked so peaceful, calm and at ease. He wondered if it was as rare for her to feel like this as it was for him.

God, you’re being creepy.

He dropped his hand and shifted slightly. Instead of playing with her hair, he started shaking her shoulder. “Y/N. Y/N, wake up,” he murmured. “You need a bed.”

She murmured something incoherent, curling into herself more. God, if he wasn’t so worried about her back, he’d leave her like this. She looked so adorable. He didn’t want to be the one to kill that.

“Come on, Doll.” Bucky slipped his hand underneath her, freezing for a moment when he felt her moving again. “Wake up or don’t, but please, don’t pick a time where I look like a creep,” he whispered, lifting her into his arms. His metal arm slipped under her legs as her head rest on his shoulder. She was easy to carry, especially with the serum, but he wanted to be careful all the same. “Let’s find you a bed, hm?”

He carried her down the same hall, hoping the room across from Andie would be open. He knew Y/N would feel better being closer to her kid. Shifting her in his arms, he opened the door and silently swung it open. Repositioning her, he froze as one of her hands wound them in his shirt, her face nuzzling his neck.

If his heart hadn’t been racing before, it sure as hell was now. He exhaled slowly, trying to ignore how hot his face felt, trying to ignore the faint feel of her heartbeat against his chest. Taking quick strides to the bed, he carefully laid her down. Her fist still clenched tightly around his shirt and he worked to free himself from her tight grip. She was strong for such a frail human. It was impressive. Dropping her hand, he slipped her shoes off and set them at the foot of the bed. There was no way in hell he was going to undress her. Nope. Not happening. But he shifted her underneath the blankets. She had to be dead tired. It was the only way someone could stay asleep during all of this.

Finally pulling the blankets to her chin, he smiled and lightly traced her hairline and brow. Her face relaxed and she rolled onto her side, cuddling into one of the pillows.

So that was where Andie got that from.

Bucky rose to his feet and left, silently closing the door behind him. Slumping against the door, he stared at the ceiling and exhaled slowly. That was too intimate. Too real. But he liked it. He liked the idea of taking care of someone.

“They tucked in for the night?”

He looked to the end of the hall, the faint smile on his lips dropping so fast when he saw Sam. That smug smile was in place, a back in hand from when he and Natasha had gone to the store to get Andie some clothes. Turning on his heel, he quickly put more space between him and his friend. He didn’t need Sam’s comments. He really didn’t.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Sam asked, waving at his retreating form.

“Goodnight, Sam!”

“Night, Bucky.”

Sam laughed, unable to stop as he heard Bucky’s door slam at the end of the hall. Shrugging, he hung the clothes on the outside of Andie’s door. “Definitely will be taking that as a yes.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

Tag List:

@mr-robot-x

@lets–be-honest​

@buckyssoul​

If you want to be tagged, just let me know!!!

[mylifeiskara]

Happy Holidays*, Have a Fic Rec List!

So I realized recently that even though I didn’t start interacting with people until like September, I got back into The 100 last January, even if it was mostly just scrolling through the tags to see what was going on. I’ve been absolutely floored by the writing talent in this fandom, and everyone I’ve interacted with has been so warm and welcoming, which has only encouraged me to write more. So to mark my almost a year of being a lurker and as a fun sort of holiday present to everyone for being so nice, I thought I would go through all my bookmarks and AO3 history and find some of my favorite fics I’ve read this year and share them, complete with commentary somewhat like the way I leave comments on AO3! I’ve read so many more amazing fics than just these ones (which is surprising because I’m a really slow reader), so thank you to literally everyone who writes for this fandom, because you’re all superstars! I get so excited every time someone shares something new, and my marked for later list just keeps getting longer.  

This list is mostly Bellarke, but there’s also a couple Murven and one Memori. It’s also abundantly clear that I read mainly modern AUs, so I didn’t bother separating canon things from modern things, but I did separate the complete works and the WIPs. And if I don’t know someone’s Tumblr, I’m just gonna link their AO3 profile!

*I’m pretty sure only one of these fics has to do with a winter holiday, so sorry if that’s misleading!

Complete

Your words on my skin by not_a_total_basket_case Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (Multi-Chapter) This is the first The 100 fic I ever read, so obviously it has to go first on my list. I don’t read many soulmate AUs, but I liked that soulmates communicated to each other through notes on their skin. The whole thing is just so soft, and I’ve read it a bunch of other times since my first reading. Also bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being absolute idiots in love.

Feels Like Reckless Driving When We’re Talking by Chash Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) In this one there’s an age swap, so Bellamy is younger than Clarke, who’s a single mom in her 30s. Bonus points for the presence of Murphy and Emori to help get Clarke out of her head and out of the house so she can meet Bellamy, a hot younger man!

so i sing a song of love by @hiddenpolkadots Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) This is my comfort fic! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but it’s one I keep going back to. I love a good friends with benefits complicated by feelings, and also in this case, pregnancy.

I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me by bellamysgriffinprincess Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Best friend’s brother is one of my favorite tropes, and I really love the evolution of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship throughout the story.

Talking with You in the Dark by @bettsfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (One-Shot) This is like “oh my god they were roommates” adjacent (since they’re neighbors), which is what I like about it. I think I’m just a sucker for stories where Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship kind of evolves in a very natural way. Also the simple ask of wanting to share a bed with someone because you’re lonely is such a mood.

the naked truth by @kombellarke Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Speaking of “oh my god they were roommates”! This fic has so much great angst! It’s probably the angstiest thing on this list! I’m not sure if I can adequately put into words my feelings about this fic, other than it’s great, and I feel like everyone’s read it already, but here it is so you can read it again!

guess it’s never really over by @captaindaddykru Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) I love how even when Bellamy and Clarke are divorced, they’re clearly still so in love. It’s why the idea of them having another kid together didn’t sound absolutely absurd to either of them, and that’s the tea.

You Should Still Take Me Home by @eyessharpweaponshot Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) This has many things I love, which are fics about New Year’s, friends with benefits, and a college setting. It’s the dream! And it’s really cute!

Here’s What I’ve Got (The Reasons Why Our Marriage Might Work) by @marauders-groupie Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) I have been trying to come up with the words to describe the way this fic made me feel literally ever since I read it, but my God, I still feel like what I say wouldn’t do it justice. Also there is a very particular word I’m searching for that I have yet to land on. It’s so beautifully written, and I love stories that begin after the couple has broken up. Also they’re actors, and I love a celebrity AU!

Potions et Patroni by chants_de_lune Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) I love anything to do with Harry Potter or Hogwarts, so adding Bellarke to the mix was just right up my alley. If you haven’t noticed, I really love watching/reading the natural evolution of a relationship, which this fic does a great job of. Also if I were a student at Hogwarts, I would have thought Professor Blake and Professor Griffin were a couple the moment I stepped foot into the school.

starry eyes and galaxy minds (we’ll be dancing on the clouds at night) by @pawprinterfanfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) If Bellamy were Spider-Man, I too would fall in love with him, solely based on his voice. When he removed his mask, him being incredibly attractive would just be an added bonus.

Eons With You by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Another great soulmate fic I stumbled upon! I feel like I’ve never gotten into soulmate AUs until this fandom, but that’s just truly the only way to describe what Bellamy and Clarke are to each other? So yeah, this one has reincarnation and the time periods that are in it are so vivid and great.

And in Other News... by @jeanie205 Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) News anchors! Who make the most perfect team on the planet! There’s some angst, but this is great fluff. And more bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being idiots in love. 

Rock Bottom by @detectivebellamyblake Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Wowee, I love so many things about this fic! Clarke and Murphy are my brotp, so I think that’s why I clicked on it to begin with. I hope to have a group of friends like this when I’m in my mid to late 20s, so I guess I’ve got a couple more years to get working on that. I also love that everyone ends up owning up to the shit they’ve done wrong and growing, which is something we don’t always get to see. And there are such cute moments between so many characters! 

Burning Cities and Napalm Skies by @jarleene Murphy/Raven, Rated M (Multi-Chapter) Honestly, don’t remember how I found this one, but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I’m really only into Murven in AUs (as I’m low key Memori trash), but this fic just had me hooked. Also as someone who wondered if the show would ever question having to repopulate the human race, I was very on board with the concept. Dare I say bits of this more sense than the season 6 we were actually given?

feat. by Debate Murphy/Emori, Rated T (One-Shot) Please forgive the fact that I called myself Memori trash, yet there is only one Memori fic on this rec list. (But also, if anyone wants to rec me some Memori stuff, literally send it all my way!) I love musician AUs, so I was immediately sold on the idea of Murphy admiring Emori’s band’s music and wanting to write a song with her. It’s just so cute!

WIPs Not as many of these, because I can only follow along with so many unfinished things at a time, but these are ones I’ve been keeping up with!

If the Right One Came Along by @useyourtelescope Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another celebrity AU, with a side of friends with benefits! Bellamy is a famous historian, and I am here for that. Literally peak nerd, I’m so proud of him. I really enjoy Clarke and Bellamy’s dynamic as they have to figure out how to be friends again after naturally drifting apart when he moved away. And it feels like each subsequent chapter gets cuter!

All Because of You by @burninghoneyatdusk Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E It’s another best friend’s brother fic! This time with a pregnancy! I really enjoy that this story switches back and forth between the past and the present, so we get to see moments of Bellamy and Clarke when they were teenagers/baby adults, and we get to see them be amazing co-parents in the present as well.

The Hungry and The Hunted by @octaviadblake Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T As I said before, I love musician AUs, and I’m so absolutely pumped for more of this story. I’m a huge fan of Bellamy and Murphy’s dynamic. The 80s setting works really well, and I’m already preparing myself for the coming angst.

someone let the poets out by @kindclaws Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another actor AU! But this time, actors gone rogue! This fic is also really cool because it’s mixed media, so there’s little tweets and Tumblr posts and whatnot throughout, so I’ll give you the same recommendation the author does to not read this one on mobile.

That’s all I’ve got for now. But happy reading!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #291

“clothes trailing from the backdoor, to the bedroom, and i don’t even know your name.”

What was the last health scare you had? So I got blood tests done recently to check multiple things, and I got pretty nervous when my doctor stood beside me going through the numbers and what they meant. I was afraid she was going to tell me I had diabetes (runs in the fam, and my diet hadn't been great) or something, but I was fine. What is your favorite food to cook? Something in the microwave lmao. Do you listen to bluegrass music? Ew. What was the last novel you read about? Well it' s part of a series so it'd be hard to explain briefly... but dragons. That'll do ig, lol. If there is a tree right outside your window, what kind is it? There's a small one. Idk what it is. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. What is your favorite thing to draw? If you take a look at my work history... I apparently love drawing meerkats screaming for one reason or another lmao. Do you like abstract art? Not very much. There are of course exceptions to this, but it's definitely not my favorite and sometimes doesn't even feel like "art" to me. Would you ever want to be a painter? No. My Painting course in school taught me it's too damn stressful, the idea of messing up. Even though it's technically fixable. There's just a lot about painting I don't like. I'd much rather draw and color traditionally. What is your passion? Some of my biggest consists of gay rights (or really just equal rights as a whole), meerkats, pacifism, photography, just art in general, stuff like that. I feel things very deeply, so there's really a lot. What fascinates you? NATURE!!!!!!! SO MUCH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you have art on your walls? In my room, I have three of my meerkat projects on the wall with my meerkat collection, and my Pyramid Head/Halo of the Sun overlap drawing is with my Silent Hill stuff. What kind of collection would you like to start? I have a decent amount of stuff, but I really would love to pump up my SH collection. It has SO much merch that I would die for, stuff is just mad expensive. If I was to start a new collection, bitch I need Markiplier stuff so bad, I'm too awkward to ask for that shit for holidays 'n stuff. ;;_;; Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I sure do. If you had the money, would you travel the world? I feel like I'd go to less locations than most people you could ask this question, but I'd definitely go places, yeah. If you could travel the world, which country would you want to go to first? South Africa. Make my meerkat dreams come true. :') Do you get drunk? I haven't before, and I don't actually aim to when I drink (which is very rare) and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I doubt I ever will. Don't feel like I'm missing out, honestly. Do you get high? Nah. Have you ever used a prescription medication to get high? No. Does sunlight make you happier? Guys. This is science. I used to hate the sun so much, but it's good for you. Open your windows on a clear day; your body will thank you. It takes getting used to, but please, don't coop yourself up in the dark. Do you live a boring life? My life is excruciatingly boring. Like not to sound depressing, but half the time I wish I wasn't even alive because I'm so bored lmao. Have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? Do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse? No, but it's been threatened upon me. I don't support it, no, but then again I don't believe in traditional "profanity." My hypothetical four-year-old could say "that fucking hurt" in our own household, and just a simple word indicating (s)he was really in pain wouldn't faze me for a blink. I do believe out of respect though, that you should educate your children when "profanity" isn't allowed, like in school and such. You don't shove potentially toxic shit into your kid's mouth to teach them something. What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore? This definitely depends on the child. Are they spooked easily? How mature are they? Do they understand what's not to be replicated? It would vary with the film, too. Do you have any wind chimes outside your house? How many? No, but I'd love to. Wind chimes are great. Do you have a flat stomach? Would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off? I hate my stomach more than I do any other part of my body, so guess. Would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)? omfg hell YES Do you think your biological parents love each other? They're long-divorced and Dad's been remarried for a long time while Mom only has negative shit to say about him, so like... What's one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet? *Dying* to, I don't know if one exists. Birds of Prey probably tops my want-to-see list, though. Harley moving past Joker? Girl you fuckin go ilu. What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me because of my illnesses. Nope, he sure didn't. Does thunder & storms scare you? Nah, not usually. It's funny, I was TERRIFIED of them as a kid, especially if I wasn't with my mom, but now I find them beautiful and sometimes even relaxing. Now, wind, I fucking hate wind. I associate bad winds with tornadoes, so fuck outta here w/ that. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. Do you sing in front of people? NO. Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Groups of older men. Are your parents overprotective? No. A recent creation that you’re proud of? I took family pictures for a repeat client recently, and I'm really happy with how some came out. Who’s your favorite comedian? Living, I'm unsure. It was John Pinette. What makes you squeamish? Vomit and fecal matter top the list. Do you have any online friends that you wanna keep, but not meet? Maybe a couple that I don't know too well? Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? No. I see a lot of potential problems with that should it become a serious thing. Who would you live with if you got kicked out tomorrow? Probably my dad. What’s a pet your parents never let you have when you were a kid? A snake. I was eventually allowed though obviously, and now Mom loves Venus, though she won't hold her. Who do you wish you could change, if anyone? It's not my job to change anyone else. You have to want to change. Has your house ever been broken into? No, but my childhood home almost was by a gang. My older sister and her best friend were home alone at the time. Thank fuck they didn't get in, but they left a gang flag on our porch. Would you consider yourself a good flirt? I have no idea. What color do you wear most often? You mean to tell me black isn't the only primary color in people's wardrobes? Do you like your hair? Disregarding the fact it gets oily way too fast, yes. Have you ever driven while under the influence? No, I would absolutely never. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yeah. Would you ever take boudoir photos for a significant other? (or have you?) Considering I literally love boudoir, I would if I didn't hate the fuck outta my body and would be too embarrassed to ever do it. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Maybe makeup guru channels lmaooo. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but actually ending up enjoying? I'm unsure. I don't really go into watching a movie I think I'll hate, especially when I watch so few movies to begin with. Do you like where you live? I'm not a fan of the suburbs, but it's a better place than where we were. Are you a jealous person? I'm learning that apparently I might be, at least sometimes. Is there anyone you want to fix things with? There are a few. Last time you walked further than a block? I couldn't tell you. I walk a few feet (that's not an exaggeration) and am in pain because of the muscle atrophy in my legs. Is it easy for you to accept loss? NO. NUH-UH. NOPE. Do you get dessert normally while out to eat? No. Who was your first kiss? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever found a stray dog & found its owners? Not that I recall. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not everything, no. When was the last time you told someone you love them? Last night. Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? Ma. When was the last time that you were genuinely happy? Good damn question. Have you ever dyed your hair? Plenty of times. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. When was the last time you changed in front of someone? I don't know; when you hate your body enough, you'll do a lot to avoid that. Last person you kissed, have you cried in front of them? Yes. Ever dated someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited personality? No. A conceited asshole is the last kind of person I'm dating. Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck? Well I mean what's the vibe lmao Do you like to cuddle? Yeah, if we're a close couple and it's not too hot. Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? Nah. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I wish we could, but even if he was willing, I don't think "friendship" is possible between us. What is something “cheesy” that you own? Ha, I have this feminine-looking "she believed she could so she did" wall decor thing... I can't remember if I bought it or if it was gifted. What is something that gets your creative juices flowing? MUSIC!!! What drink are you most likely to order at a bar? Some kind of margarita. What is the most interesting class that you took in high school or college? Mythology, I guess? When was the last time that you’ve ever played Spin the Bottle? I never have to begin with. If you were an adult film star or a stripper, what would your stage name be? I can't even try to entertain this question. Even if I WANTED to be one, I would never be hired. I couldn't seriously think of a name. Have you ever wanted to be a cheerleader? No, not even when I was one as a kid lmao. Have you ever been dumped? What was the reason for it? Yeah. The first one, he couldn't handle my depression anymore. With my last partner, we kinda had a mutual agreement that to save us from potential later heartbreak, we needed to work more on ourselves right now. What was the last R-rated movie you watched? Hm. Idk. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. Have you ever had lice? No. What is the most childish thing that you still do? I mean, with RP, you could argue that I still "play pretend." Have you ever watched a movie you knew you shouldn’t? As a kid, I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to see whatever Scary Movie film it was when I did, aha. Have you ever wanted to try LARP (Live Action Role-Play)? Nah. I'm awkward enough explaining I just write it. If you could go back in time and erase one thing you said or did, what would it be? The "thanks for sending me to the hospital" message to Jason. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever embarrassed you? Jason did before, if we're counting past partners. Have you ever thought about cheating on your partner? I never thought of that in any relationship, no. Have you ever been caught checking someone out? Not to my recollection. Not that I even do that much. Have you ever cried because you missed your parents so much? Oh, absofuckinglutely as a little kid. I had BAD separation anxiety from my mom. Have you ever posted something on social media that you regret? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever ding dong ditched someone? No. Which is worst: Snakes, scorpions, or spiders? I adore snakes. Some spiders scare me, especially if they catch me by surprise. Scorpions aren't native here, so I've actually never come across one, so I'd probably be more curious than frightened. Is there an attic and/or a basement in your house? An attic, yeah. Have you ever been bitten by a tick? Has anyone not? Well, I suppose this depends on your environment. Playing outside in the country as a kid a lot, and especially walking through tall grass to reach fishing spots with Dad, I've had lots. I'm terrified of parasites so those were never fun times. What color is your mom’s car? White. Have you ever had a bird or a squirrel in your house? No. How high off the ground is your bed? The average, ig. What is the cutest breed of dog? That's such a hard question, but I think I tend to lean towards pugs, though I don't support breeding them or any other type that is a medical catastrophe. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Holding a conversation. I call BS. What does your bedside lamp look like? It's a creamy color with a floral design. It was already here at the house when we moved in. Do you like your neighbors? I don't know them. Does your room need to be cleaned? I need to finish decorating it... and dust the dresser. What was the last bug you saw? Ugh, a fucking ant. This house has had an ant problem before, and now they're showing up in my room here and there. Do you place any value in gender roles? Literally zero. Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? Well, I suppose it would depend on the person. How strong is that platonic relationship? Are you in love? Do you want to be? I don't think *in* love anymore, no; I reasoned myself out of that. I think most people WANT to be in the name of companionship, and being a pretty hopeless romantic, your wild guess would probably be right. Would you be happy with a life without romance? I'd live. Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? No. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? Nope. Religion only ever brought me confusion, pain, and frustration. Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am very much a believer in free will and that you sculpt your own fate. Was your childhood happy? For the most part. What are you missing from your life? Excitement. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? No. And if my country did something fucked up, I wouldn't stand with the masses just because I live here. What’s the latest YouTube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched? Snake Discovery, like, hardcore. Does it snow where you live? Every now and then, but it's super rare for the snow to stick, and it's maybe even rarer that we get a good or fun amount. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? UGGGGHHHHHH I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER W/ SHORT HAIR. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Not really on my phone, no. I don't have good image quality on my phone, so editing tends to make it worse. What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO if I'm actually in a place with spawns. Which season do you wish would last longer? Sigh, autumn. At least here, the colorful phase is pretty short. It's like... green leaves one day, a beautiful display for a week, then the trees are bare. It's still my favorite season, though. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? Nah. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, duh. Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? No. I've got nothing against people who do, but I've just never seen the appeal of it at all. I would want my hypothetical child to have their completely own identity.

[kitra-futterman]

Why I am a Christian

This has to do with my testimony but I’ll keep it short.

Growing up I had no friends; In elementary school no one really talked to me and I was called creepy, in middle school I was pushed out of a friend group and when I finally found one that all of us were rejects from other friend groups- we self destructed the next year. In high school I only had real friends in senior year and after school we only talked once. I am use to being alone when it comes to friends.

Little did I know in my home life my family hated me too. All my siblings were pitted against me by my mother because she would constantly compare how ‘perfect’ I was to them. They all resented me- they’ve tried to k*ll me and have attacked me before as my mom watched annoyed. I always thought they were joking, but the more I think back the more I realize probably not (considering two of my siblings literally tried to drown me lol). My mom emotionally and mentally manipulated/abused me in small ways (i.e: Not considering my feelings, hardly keeping her promises, ect). I honestly couldn’t tell you much that she did due to the fact I hardly remember my own childhood (recently learned that that is a sign of trauma oop-). I remember me begging her to thank me for putting away the milk and she told I was stupid for asking for such a thing and she would in small ways tell me how my thoughts, words and feelings didn’t matter. My dad on the other hand was out of my life for at least 65% because he had to go to work.

I never realized how alone I was. I always figured it had to do with my twin dying so I pushed it off because I was told I had high expectations from friends and was trying to fill the hole in my heart from losing her to cancer with other people. Eventually I did find a way to hide away from all the loneliness and lack of self worth I felt. I did it through escapism. When I was young my parents did a great job at teaching us the affects of dr*gs and drinking so I never even thought of those but escapism was something no one could stop me from doing. I would disappear into worlds created by others; Warrior, InkHeart, Xmen, ect. Any story I read I put myself into as the hero who everyone liked. I feel in love and lived with them almost every moment of everyday. Eventually I made my own worlds and lived happily there, sometimes writing them.

I grew up in a Christian home but I truly became a Christian in middle school. I remember my dad really wanted us to play DnD with him but I told him I didn’t like it and he was upset for three days until I apologized to him. (He isn’t that petty anymore) I made a mental sort of promise to make it up to him by getting more into Christianity. I wanted to be able to talk to him about something so Christianity it was. I studied it for years and did actually grow closer to my dad- but it was definitely living through his faith. If he had died I don’t know if I would have been a Christian at all.

At this point my parents had divorced and one of my sisters was actually my best friend. I had learned that my dad and sister actually loved me and they still go out of their way to prove it everyday.

The day I believe I finally decided to be a Christian was the day I asked my dad “Why does it matter Jesus died?”. The day I asked him that he went through such an emotional that I’ve still never seen him express again (he is a rather ‘emotional’ man). He practically screamed at me with tears streaming down his face as if I had stabbed him that “If I didn’t understand the love God had given me (he meant himself and myself), then why are you a Christian?! God has given me (himself) all the love and compassion and kept me alive for this long.” I’ve never seen my father personally upset with me before this, and this is probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to disappointing him. I left that conversation confused and ashamed, and I asked God to show me what my dad meant.

So, now I understand what my father meant. Here is why I am a Christian:

God is always with me. God has never, ever found me annoying in anyway. He genuinely loves me for who I truly am- not who I appear to be to make him happy. Jesus sees how disgusting I am, how I’m a liar, no good piece of trash who deserves to die yet he despite all of that he wants me around. Me, Kitra Futterman. Even though I have nothing to give, even though I am never enough, even though I hate so much- He choose me personally to be alive not only because he thought the world needed a Kitra Futterman but because he specifically wanted a Kitra Futterman in the world and in heaven and New Jerusalem with him. He wants to talk to me and likes how I think. He likes me and respects me and cares for me.

Honestly I could go on forever about this but I’ll stop for now. All I ask is that you think about how this is true for you too, the part about God loving you not the part about the killer siblings and abusive mom, the part that Jesus died for you by name because he said you were enough.

[bucky-smiles]

C’est La Vie: Chapter 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: minor character death, mentions of sex, alcohol, and college parties.

This is my chapter for the ficwars!! My lovely partner is @delicatelyherdreamsand the prompt for this chapter is “You’ve dated all my friends it’s been over 5 years and I may have feelings for you now. This is getting personal.”

It only took 5 years for you to come to the conclusion that everything you felt and the fact that nothing was ever going to be the same was, in fact, for the worse.  

Bucky and you had remained close, obviously. You needed the emotional support what with your parents divorce and then the tragedy that was high school. Miraculously enough, both of you managed to get into the same college as well.. Attached at the hip really did describe the two of you as there’d not been a moment of separation for so long. It was nice, to have such a rock available to you at all times. Nearly 15 years of friendship was all the proof necessary that Bucky had the best shoulder to cry on. 

However even then, being so close to him only hurt you more.

Why?

Because anytime he’d talk, it’d be about how pretty some girl in your grade was.. Or how pretty one of your friends was.. Or how he kissed Wanda Maximoff behind the basketball courts… Or managed to touch his on again off again girlfriend, Natasha Romanoff, in places you never were even sure if Bucky knew existed. The list could go on forever, really, that’s how many escapades Bucky Barnes had.. And it was probably the one constant thing, aside from your emotional distress, in the years of friendship where your feelings fell deeper than just platonic. 

No one outside of you or Steve knows how he became so desirable and outgoing in such a short time. It seemed that one summer, Bucky Barnes was just your best friend and then the next summer, he came back ripped and in a leather jacket. Most people chalked it up to a summer glow up, except that was far from it. 

It was in the school year that your parents filed for divorce. In that time, Bucky was your #1 support system and everything seemed like it’d be okay. He helped you with homework and kept you focused while you studied. Your mom got the house and there was joint custody on you. You stayed the week at your mom’s and then over some weekends, you stayed with your dad. 

It was in that summer, within the first couple of weeks, that Winnifred Barnes suffered from a heart attack right in the middle of the hospital she worked at. The best of the cardiac surgeons were working on her through the night and even then, it seemed that she couldn’t be saved. 

Bucky had called you almost as soon as they got the call and you’d been there holding him as he did nothing but pray for his mother’s sake. When his prayers weren’t answered, you held him and Rebecca tightly, letting them cry into your shoulders. You mourned quietly for your second mother. In that moment, it was about being there for Bucky and Rebecca more. 

After that, while Bucky was still the Bucky you knew and loved, so many parts of him weren’t him anymore. He started worrying a lot about the public opinion.. And then to add to that, he started going to the gym and seemed to be a natural in the art of flirting. You and Steve sat on the sidelines as he went through nearly every single one of your friends. No one was safe and honestly, sometimes you felt it just better to not to talk to anyone that wasn’t Steve or Bucky.. Because if you did, Bucky would ask you questions on them and then they’d ask questions about you.. An endless, torturous cycle that you’d recently started growing more and more impatient with. 

You were snapped out of your thoughts and recount of your life till now at the sound of the door to your shared apartment slamming. You jolted just a bit, eyes drifting from where you’d focused them to the door. The sight of Bucky wasn’t surprising.. After all, you, him, and Steve were all roommates. It was fitting, really, that life has kept you all together for so long and that it continues to do so. The three of you had gotten into your respective programs of choice at the university that happened to be the top choice for all three of you. From there, it was all pretty simple. 

“Y/N/N” Bucky speaks first as he sets some groceries onto the counter. 

“Yes, James?” A little jab to hint at the fact that he was annoying. He knew that he was, he was purposely so just to annoy you.. And the fact that you called him by his real name was just proof of that. 

“I’m throwing a party tonight.. Can you help me clean the place?” And there was something that was actually annoying: the fact that he never communicated about any plans. What? Did he expect some sort of telepathic connection making you aware of everything?

“What the hell? Where do you expect me to study?” To add to the circumstances, you even had a test tomorrow. It was the introduction to physics course by Doctor Banner than everyone seemed to fail. You weren’t going to be everyone and on the roommate calendar on the fridge, you’d explicitly stated the existence of said test. It was a process between the three of you.. All important events were put on the calendar and everyone would respect everything on the calendar. 

“What do you me-Oh yeah, Banner’s test..” He cursed under his breath quietly as he looked to the calendar just to confirm that you weren’t lying. “I already got the word out on this though, Y/N/N.. Natasha is gonna be there and I’m gonna-” 

“Get her back, yeah I know. You’ve said and done that God knows how many times,” That was more filled with jealousy than anything else. But Bucky was oblivious as he continued to fish things out of his grocery bags. “So you’re not cancelling? Bucky what the fuck about the rules?” Why you were reacting this way, who knows. Probably a mix of stress from the test in addition to the fact that your feelings for Bucky Barnes were a pain in your ass. 

“Can you make an exception this time, please?” He abandons the groceries as he makes his way to you, pulling up a chair by where you were sitting and closing your physics book for just a moment. “I promise it won’t happen again, Y/N/N.” He links his arm with yours before nudging you playfully, “I know you’re the captain and all, but you gotta let your sidekick have some fun too.” A callback to the adventures of Captain America and the Winter Soldier, obviously. 

Fuck, you hated how nostalgia ruined your resolve. 

A loud groan escapes your lips and you throw your head back in the chair which basically gave away Bucky’s victory, “Fine.. But I’m going to the library. If there’s still a party when I’m back I swear, James Buchanan Barnes, I’m going to-” 

“Have my head on a stick? Kill me? Eat my ass?” More jokes, more banter, more of yours and Bucky’s relationship. 

Your nose wrinkles at the last one, “Gross.. The first one is more my style..” 

“You’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones, Y/N.. Okay so people are going to start showing up in an hour-ish so you’ll probably want to disappear by then.. Good? Good. You’re the best, Y/N, I love you..” He kisses your cheek and your eyes widen. Sure, this wasn’t abnormal of him, but he had such an effect on you. 

“Yeah yeah you better..” You’ve rarely ever been able to say ‘I love you too’ back to him.. It’s frightening, really, because yours means so much.. He says it so often sometimes you can’t help but wonder if he loves you the way you love him. 

Once more, you shake yourself out of your thoughts before packing up your textbook and notebooks into your bag, getting up. Best leave now and not have to worry yourself with getting caught up in the moment when people start arriving.. You really need to study. 

---- 

Studying was.. Strangely productive for you this time around. You got a dinner from your favorite place on the way to the library and ate while you studied. Time went by like a blur. You started at 6 and then the next time you looked at the clock, it was 11 pm. All notes were revised and understood and you really felt like a champ. It was getting late, obviously, and you knew that the party probably wouldn’t be over yet.. But your room was also off limits as always so you could go and hide there and possibly get some sleep too. 

Music was quietly playing in your earbuds as you took a scooter back to your apartment. One look up from the outside to your floor was all you needed to know that the party was still 100% going. The bright lights were visible and since the moon was covered by clouds, it seemed all the more vibrant. It was probably going to rain soon so you quickly got inside. 

The bass could be heard through the walls of your floor. Thank God everyone around was a college student.. The business was to do it was to invite the entire top, bottom, and normal floor so that there’d be no noise complaints. Judging by the sound, it was a big hit. 

You pushed through the sweaty bodies to your room.. This time, partying didn’t seem to be the top thing on your mind. A good night’s sleep was what you needed, especially with all the studying you’d done. 

When you unlocked the door to your room, you stopped dead in your tracks at the sight. 

Bucky was sitting on your bed, Natasha at his side. There were lipstick stains covering Bucky’s cheek and neck. They seemed to be talking about something when you entered, stopping at the sound of the door opening. 

Your bed had been made when you left and now, coming back, it was a disorganized mess with pillows everywhere and your blanket half on the floor. It smelled like booze and something else that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

A look of shock must’ve passed your face or something. Here was another rule that Bucky broke. No, 2 rules. One, your room was off limits in parties. And two, no shenanigans in your room.. Ever.. And there was Bucky, withs stupid sex hair and lipstick stains, sat in your room. Bucky stood up almost right away. 

“Y/N it isn’t what it looks like, I swear I-”

You didn’t let him finish as you backed out of the room, turning on your heels and pushing through all the bodies once more to get out of the apartment and somewhere else. 

You’d been right earlier, when you thought that it’d be raining soon. Because the minute you stepped out onto the sidewalk you were drenched. Whatever, that was the last thing on your mind anyways. The first move was to get as far away from this place. You began moving but were immediately stopped by the feeling of a hand holding onto your wrist. 

You turned, ready to tug your wrist away and punch whoever had grabbed onto you, but stopped at the sight of the one and only man who’d been hurting your heart for so long. 

Bucky Barnes.

[afictionaladventure16]

The Pen Pal Project (Chris Evans x Latina!OC)

Masterlist

Previously on The Pen Pal Project...

Warnings: Mentions of divorce, toxic relationships...

Word Count: 1,690

Chapter 5

Letter 5

Chris’s POV

November 5th, 2017

Chris had gotten a call from the receptionist this morning, notifying him that his letter had arrived, he didn’t hesitate to drive right over. But on the drive to the office, Chris had gotten an idea. “Hey,” Chris greeted as he walked up to the receptionist’s desk. She greeted him and handed him the envelope; Chris couldn’t help but notice how it felt a bit thicker than usual. Chris diverted his attention back to the receptionist, “is Dr. Holt in?”

“Yeah, she just finished with a patient actually, would you like me to notify her that you wanted to speak with her?” Chris gave her a nod, the receptionist then dialed Dr. Holts number, passing along a few words as she then hung up. “Go right ahead, Mr. Evans.”

Chris thanked her as he walked into Dr. Holts office, “Good morning, Mr. Evans, is everything alright?”

Chris chuckled, “everything is fine actually.”

“and I’m assuming the project is going as planned so far?” Chris gave her a nod.

“I actually wanted to talk to about the project, though.”

“Oh?”

Chris cleared his throat, “I was thinking, maybe we can get P.O. boxes? That way, she won’t know my actual office and it’ll beat coming here all the time, especially if you guys so happen to be closed.”

Dr. Holt gave Chris a nod in agreement, “that’s a brilliant idea, I’ll have to talk to Dr. Hudson about it and make sure it’s something they’d be fine with, but I’ll get back to you about that.” Dr. Holt smiled, “thanks for that suggestion and I’m happy to hear that everything is working out well.” Dr. Holt couldn’t help but noticed this sort of light in Chris’s eyes, he seemed more excited than usual and that’s saying a lot.

“No problem,” Chris then said his goodbyes as he left the office, not forgetting to say goodbye to the receptionist on the way out.

Once again, Chris sat in his car, contemplating on the opening the letter. But soon his alarm rang, notifying him of the family brunch he had to attend, it looks like the letter was just going to have to wait.

 Chris tried not to speed on the way over to the small diner where his siblings had planned on meeting each other. He quickly parked his car and ran inside, “there he is! I almost thought he was going to ditch us!” Carly said with a smile as Chris sat across from her.

“I wouldn’t miss sibling time for the world,” Chris said with a smile.

“Maybe for those letters,” Carly said with a smirk.

“letters?” Scott asked as he raised his eyebrow.

Chris rolled his eyes, “it’s a project I’m doing to help my therapist. I basically now have a pen pal.”

“That’s a girl!” Carly blurted out.

“A girl??” Shana asked, “what’s her name?”

Chris sighed, “Julie and it’s nothing,” he looked at Carly with a stern look.

“Hmm,” Scott looked at his older brother with a raised eyebrow, “anyway, how was Halloween with the kids?”

“I swear sometimes I hate that holiday, the sugar rush afterward, dear lord!” Carly began to say as Shana nodded her head in agreement. Throughout the brunch they spoke about many things, just catching up. They tried their best to constantly do this whenever all four of them were free. They needed this time together; the siblings were close with each other.

Chris arrived at his home in Boston not too long after the brunch, he sat down on his couch as Dodger was quick to jump onto his lap. Smiling he gave his dog some attention before remembering about the letter that had been in his pocket. Chris quickly took it out of his pocket and opened the unusually thick envelope.

    Dear Chris,

Yes, my random thoughts are normal, and I deserved that, I had no right on roasting you when I had just met you via letters. I’m just happy you have agreed to keep this mystery alive. It’s the only thing fueling my soul at the moment. The burning desire to find out what the heck is your last name is giving me the will to live! Apparently, I’m dramatic?

I have to say that my favorite customer so far must be Mr. William, a sweet old man, comes in every morning about nine and orders the same thing. Never changes. Always sits on the same stool by the counter and never makes a fuss. Now for the worst customer? Where do I even start?? I’ve had a couple of older customers that were male that have hit on me, in some inappropriate ways, but there wasn’t much I could do about it other than ignore it.

Yes, you can call me Jules.  My family tends to call me JuJu. They just always called me that, I guess. Nothing special about the nickname.

You can never go wrong with Etta James, Chris. Never.

You’re funny, Chris. Are you this funny in person? I can’t help but wonder if your personality is different in person than it is in these letters.

You’re an actor? Are you a living in your mom’s basement type of actor? Or are you a living a decent life type of actor?

I appreciate that, Chris, although, that is the sole purpose of these letters. I’m here for you too, though. Little things matter.

Highly doubt we are long lost cousins mostly due to the fact that most of my relatives are from Mexico or California. No family in Boston, from what I can recall but I am assuming that is where you are from? What’s the weather like in Boston? I’m sure it beats this heat here in California. I bet Winter in Boston is gorgeous! Man, am I excited for the winter! Even though, it isn’t much here, it still excites me. I’ll keep that in mind, Chris. We gave them the best lives.

Also, Oliver and Company is one of the best movies ever. Hands down! I am a die-hard Disney fan, for damn sure! I love anything Disney. I become a five-year old when it comes to Disney and I am slightly offended that you already want to be reassigned to someone else. I thought we had something, Chris. How dare you.

Two siblings. Older brothers, Robert and John. Robert is from my dad’s first marriage. I have no relation to him but he’s still my brother. Must be nice to have sisters, though. I’ve always wanted a sister, I got sisters-in-law now that I am older but when I was younger, I could’ve used a sister.

You’re turn for a question. I think I just started the game of 20 questions.

Toodles.

P.S. Yes, very happy. ; )

P.P.S.

My parents divorce. To tell you the truth, I got a small anxiety attack when I saw your question. Talking about my parents’ divorce used to be so easy and less messy but now with everything that has happened recently, it’s messy. I’m not saying that I’m not over their divorce because I am it’s been over ten years now. I am so glad my dad divorced my mother, she was the worst. I hate to say it but she was. Anyways, you sitting down? Got some coffee? Tea? If you’re into that leaf water business. Alright, well, my parents divorced when I was only seven years old but it felt like they weren’t even together before that. Mostly because my mother was always so cold and distant, she never wanted to play with my and my brother John when we were children, even when we begged her would threaten to kill us.

It was to the point that she’d chase us around the house yelling that she was going to kill us, I remember vaguely, one time my father came home to that scene, the anger and hurt in his face, it pained me to see him that way. And I know it pained him to see the mother of his children, the women that begged for children, to see her yelling at her own children that she wanted to kill them. Now that I think about it, I highly believe that my mother suffered from Post-partum depression. But, then, I also think it was guilt for the mistakes she had made in her past.

Anyway, my parents divorced since my mother had cheated on my father, for the third time… that he knew of. To top it off it was with the pastor of a church we went to, close family friend as well. My dad got custody of me and my brother but allowed my mother to see us whenever she wanted, also told her she didn’t have to pay for child support. It upsets me to think about how my dad told her she could see us whenever she wanted and she only came by one or twice a week and when she was there, she never paid us any attention. She was always glued to her damn t.v. watching her telenovelas.

My dad got remarried when I was twelve, the same month of my dads wedding my mom got remarried as well. Suddendly my mother became more attentive towards me and my brother when I turned sixteen, I moved in with my mother because I had issues with my stepmom, which always resulted to us fighting until 3 in the morning and her almost slapping me. It began to cause problems for my dads’ marriage, so I decided to just take myself out of the equation and live at my mom’s. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and tell myself not to, but then I don’t know what would’ve happened with my dad if I had just stayed. What would’ve happened to me? Well, I probably know the answer to that.

  Chris couldn’t help but feel sorry for Julie, it must have been tough to have a distant mother as a child. Chris couldn’t help but wonder what drove a mother to want to kill their children, he felt tears welling up in his eyes, he felt this need to protect Julie. Yet, Chris was filled with gratitude for having such a loving mother. He only wished the same for Julie, but he had so many questions to her story, there was only one thing to do.

Taglist: @kelbabyblue

Just wanted to say that some of Julie’s life is based on mine so a lot of the OC characters will be like people from my actual life along with the description of Julie’s parent's divorce and childhood is an actual description of my life.

 I just felt like I can connect more towards this story that way and actually help myself with coping by imagining, what someone I look up to, would say about my situation. The main reason why I began writing this series in the first place. 

[erniesbrainfreeze]

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ZOE ROBINS, NINJA STEEL WHITE RANGER: by pearl, co-moderator of @erniesbrainfreeze 

The lovely & talented Zoe Robins, who plays Hayley Foster in Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel, was kind enough to agree to an exclusive interview for erniesbrainfreeze with me and we spent almost four hours talking about Hayley’s backstory, the romance between Calvin & Hayley, her favorite moments with the cast, and how she got started with acting!

Below the cut is our conversations, my questions/comments and her answers. And thank you to those in the fandom who gave me amazing questions to ask her!

We hope you enjoy the incredible behind-the-scenes information Zoe has shared with us and don’t forget to watch Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel every Saturday on Nickelodeon at 12/11 central!

PEARL: So the first question is about Hayley, she seems like a really fun character to play even if she doesn’t always get a lot of focus. What’s something about Hayley’s character that you have in your head or in your personal notes that we might not know from the show itself?

ZOE: Ooo great question! I decided early on that Hayley’s love for animals stems from her experiences of always being surrounded by them from a young age. She was raised on a small ranch with her mom and younger brother after her parent’s divorce. They were almost self-sustainable. Her caring nature comes from her mother who dedicated her life to sustainable living and caring for the planet.

Her empathy and compassion for all things come from the unconditional love and bond she has with her younger brother, who recently came out as gay.

PEARL: Oh, I love that so much! I always thought of Hayley as being a flower child raised by environmentalists so her being raised on a ranch is so cool! And so much love for the idea of her little brother, I wish Power Rangers would explore that some day for real.

Question by Jaz @elizabethdelgados: If there was an episode that you could have solely about Hayley, what would you make it about? How would you incorporate her backstory into a Power Rangers-esque plot?

ZOE: I would love an episode to be just a solely Hayley focus. She hasn’t had that yet - and there’s obviously so much more to her than just being Calvin’s girlfriend and a part of the ranger team.

If anything it would be about her and Kody, or maybe a situation where she goes above and beyond with helping someone and actually makes things worse. I think one of her weaknesses is that she gives too much of herself so learning to put herself first and valuing the process of self love would be fun to explore, and a great lesson for children! And adults as well!

PEARL: That’s so true and it would work great since a lot of the other rangers have had their flaws highlighted in various focus episodes. And we all love Kody so more of him is always good.

In fact, a question by Chipster @kimberlyannharts: Since having an animal as a side character is pretty uncommon for Power Rangers, how did you prepare for working alongside Kody? Did you have to take time to do classes or exercises with him before the show and how did you approach that as an actor?

ZOE: I’ve never owned a dog in my life so initially I was really nervous! We had a few chances to meet and play before we started and really it was just about us being comfortable around each other. The trainers were amazing and were always nearby!

I would have treats in my pocket or in my hand if he (Jax was his real name) needed to come to me in the scene or do something wild like wake me up by licking my face in the forest. We actually had peanut butter and bits of raw meat under my fringe so he would lick my face in that scene. It was nasty and I smelled so bad hahah

PEARL: Wow, that sounds gross but also your dedication is inspiring! I’ve also never owned a dog so I don’t think I could do that. But it came out great in show, I love watching Hayley and Kody together.

Speaking of your fringe, a lot of us were wondering, since Hayley’s hair is a lot more relaxed than your hairstyle at your Power Morphicon reveal 2 years ago, how did you or the stylists come up with that style? I know they made Chrysti [Ane] dye her hair blonde (I guess for hair color diversity?) so did they also ask you to relax your curls? (question by @hunterbradley)

ZOE: It was production’s idea, I would’ve loved to have kept the curls but I guess maintaining the look like the one they chose is much easier! And yes when we were all initially cast, we all looked very similar. Tan/brown skin tones with dark hair, so I think they were worried that kids might not be able to tell us apart lol. I would love to see a ranger with dreads or braids one day.

PEARL: Well, that’s fair, but there’s just so little natural hair representation in kids shows. I think there’s only been one ranger with dreads and one with an afro, both before the current era.*

ZOE: Absolutely! I would’ve been more than happy to rock my natural hair for representation.

PEARL: A question by Tabitha @operationoverdrive: It’s a sad fact that only five black actresses have played power rangers in the past 25 years (and you’re the fifth), however that is the perfect amount for a teamup! Have you had a chance to meet any of these actresses and how has it been to meet previous rangers in general? Did they give you any advice on being a ranger?

ZOE: Yes, I have, and they were beyond lovely. Camille [Hyde] was the first I met and she was so sweet! I met Karan [Ashley] at Comic Con and then Morphicon and Nakia [Burrise] as well. Everyone is just so great and for the most part the advice has been to make the most of every moment. They’ve all welcomed us to the “family” from the moment we were announced which has been so special.

PEARL: That’s so sweet! I love Karan and Nakia so much, they’re always so genuine and wonderful to their fans.

Going a little back to Hayley, she mostly sticks to Calvin and Preston for the majority of the series. Was there any cast member or guest star you wished you would’ve gotten a chance to work with more? (question also by Tabitha)

ZOE: I would’ve loved more scenes directly with Kelson [Henderson]. I couldn’t speak more highly of him. He’s the most professional, talented and down-to-earth person I’ve ever worked with and he’s a wonderful man too. He is so patient and had a great way of calming us most days when we were in the 11th hour of shooting and slowly losing the plot. Haha! I probably learned the most from him - his tenacity and gratefulness for the work grounded me so much.

Chrysti and I had a lot of fun with the Hayley and Sarah episode with their parents! It would’ve been nice to have more female driven episodes!

PEARL: That’s so sweet! Everyone has only high praise for Kelson, he’s such a legend on this show, I’m so glad he ended up being on Ninja Steel.  And we loved that Hayley/Sarah episode! Their cute little handshake/hair flip thing was adorable and their dynamic was so fun and unique.

ZOE: Hahaha we put that in there ourselves! There’s a lot of stuff we added in the hopes that they’d make the edit and surprisingly a good amount of it did!

PEARL: That makes it even cuter! I love all the little things you guys add in the show it helps make the rangers so much brighter as characters.

Speaking of, Nico [Greetham] and Chrysti both recently took to Twitter to talk about how there was originally a love triangle/breakup storyline planned for Calvin/Hayley and Sarah, but that you and Chrysti spoke to Chip [Lynn] and they decided not to do it - a great choice, as we all love Calvin/Hayley. But we were wondering, did that plot ever get to script and what do you think Hayley’s feelings would’ve been on a potential Calvin/Sarah relationship? Would she have eventually moved on as well? Maybe even with one of the other boys on the team, although that would definitely be awkward, but Hayley has had focus eps with Preston and Levi both and those dynamics are really fun and interesting.

ZOE: We were told very early on with the story lines and both Chrysti and I were really confused about where they were going with it and concerned about the message being put out. We arranged a meeting with Chip where he really listened to us and I’m assuming saw how much we cared about the relationships within the whole cast. Women are constantly being pitted against each other in society and we were just not having it in our show.

Ultimately, Hayley would be fine, lol. Of course Calvin is her best friend and she loves him but she has joy and love for many other things in her life too! It would take some time for them to get over a breakup and remain in the same team and deal with the enormous responsibility of saving the world (lol) but those two have a lot of respect for each other so I think they would be able to stay friends.

Also LOL! I’ve seen some comments about the chemistry between Hayley and Levi. There are a lot of eps with Preston and Hayley together too. Honestly I think it’s because I just have so much fun with them both and love them very much as people so that probably translated on screen. I don’t think any of the rangers in our season would switch up partners haha

PEARL: I’m so glad Chip listened because yeah, two girls fighting over a guy is almost never a good storyline and it’s so predictable in media nowadays. Although I personally love romance & drama so I really enjoyed the ep with Calvin getting jealous over Hayley and Preston even though there was nothing between them haha. And that’s so cute how much Calvin and Hayley love each other, I think it really comes across on screen! You have great chemistry with the whole cast of course but you and Nico play off each other so well.

Have you and Nico ever discussed how Calvin and Hayley met and ended up in a relationship? They’ve been dating for two years by season 2 but was it a childhood friends to lovers thing or did they meet in high school, what do you think the start of their romance was like?

ZOE: For drama, yeah, I can see why they thought that could work but it’s just so contrasting to the tone of our show it just didn’t make sense. I’m glad production listened too! Because it was in something called “The Power Rangers Bible” which had storylines that we were told were set in stone and could not be changed!

And yes we have! Though I have absolutely no idea where my journal is for Hayley so I won’t be able to say what we agreed on and discussed 100%. I think we decided that they had been friends for a few years before dating and Calvin secretly crushed on Hayley for a while. I think we went out for a drive in his truck to a beach one night to watch the sunset and he asked Hayley out. Nico can correct me if I’m wrong but I’m sure I’m not pulling it out of nowhere! Haha

PEARL: That’s the cutest thing ever! You know, usually in Power Rangers they would just show the crush part (see: Tyler and Shelby, or Jake and Gia) without bothering to show the relationship part so it’s really cool that we started with Calvin and Hayley already established. But I would’ve loved to have seen that sunset scene. We all love Calvin and Hayley so much, their focus episodes are some of the best and most charming eps of the show.

ZOE: We really wanted to have flashbacks and conversations that alluded to the start of their romance but I guess it’s fun that the audience can fill it in for themselves :)

Thank you! Nico and I worked really really hard on the relationship and spent a lot of time getting to know each other off set before we started filming - and then obviously during the duration of filming. As a result we became really close, so our job was easy! The chemistry was already there!

PEARL: That’s so cute! The effort you guys put in really shows, even in the background scenes, how Calvin softens whenever Hayley is near him and how she’s always touching him... a lot of us are romantics at heart in this fandom so we love seeing that.

ZOE: Haha I love it! There’s so much opportunity to sneak those things in as the Rangers stand around as a group a lot! So we wanted to make it as believable as possible

PEARL: We’ve talked a lot about Hayley and I love all the new stuff we’ve learned about her but we also wanted to know more about you! Zali @2014federalbudget wanted to know: Being a kiwi, do you prefer to work at home in New Zealand or abroad in America/Canada? And are there are any classic New Zealand shows that you would be interested in being a part of?

ZOE: Working at home would be a lot easier as I’m pretty familiar with the way things work over here and ideally I want to be near family. Unfortunately our industry is so small and diversity is still an issue, so I’m finding I’m auditioning for a lot more projects overseas, mainly in America. I would’ve loved to be on Outrageous Fortune for a bit. It looked like a lot of fun and many talented actors that I look up to (Antonia Prebble, Claire Chitham, Sophie Henderson, Nicole Whippy, just to name a few) were on there and do amazing work.

PEARL: That makes sense, and that would be so cool! Did you know Antonia Prebble was on Power Rangers too?

ZOE: Yes I did! She was also on a show called The Tribe! I was in a remake of the show when I was twelve so I’ve been a fan of her work for a while!

PEARL: That’s amazing! I love the connections between Kiwi ranger actors, there are so many of you guys!

Kels (@rltarepulsas on twitter) asked a related question: Was there a role you saw growing up that made you want to act?

ZOE: It was Dakota Fanning in a role.. it may have been in I am Sam or Charlotte’s Webb - I can’t actually remember the specifics. But I do remember watching her and thinking “Oh that’s it. That’s the thing I want to do.”

PEARL: Dakota Fanning is super talented, that’s so cool! We also loved you on the Shannara Chronicles - how was that experience like and how was filming a more teen-oriented show different from a kids show like Power Rangers?

ZOE: Oh thank you! That was my first big international project and I was super anxious going into it but I had such a great time. The people involved were awesome. Very talented NZ actors and from overseas - Austin [Butler] is one of the sweetest people you could meet. I love doing fantasy too, and my character Zora is so much cooler than I am! Haha! I had to have archery training for that which was a lot of fun.

PEARL: Archery training sounds hardcore but then you also went through PR’s stunt training so I guess you can do anything!

We are all super excited to see you in more projects after PR! Ivory @lunarskye wanted to know if there are any projects you’ve been working on currently and if you can tell us anything about how they’re going?

ZOE: Thank you! At the moment I’m just enjoying being home after being in LA for over a month. With the down time I’m hoping to finally start writing, I have a few stories that I want to tell. But I’m auditioning for projects a lot of the time :)

PEARL: Oh, you’re a writer too? That’s so cool, what kind of stories do you write? Is it like scripts or do you prefer novel form?

ZOE: I’m not actually! Haha I just have some experiences and stories that I want to share. And they would be scripts. I definitely want to work behind the scenes as well as act :)

PEARL: Either way, that’s awesome! Did you get to do anything behind the scenes on Power Rangers? I know Peter [Sudarso] said he would pitch scripts to Chip occasionally and he even got to write an episode once.

ZOE: It’s something I’ve never thought that I could do but I’ve been so inspired lately to say something that it’s only a matter of time until I give in lol

Chip and the production team were great about that actually, in that they fully invited us to basically intern - be it shadowing directors if we wanted or submit scripts etc. Honestly I can’t speak for the whole cast but I do know we were super tired after working 6 days a week and there wasn’t much more we could give of ourselves when the week was over. It really was like an endurance test and I think for the most part we chose to focus on the task at hand and look after ourselves the best we could. Which meant on our day off we would relax and do whatever we needed to refresh ourselves. And yes, Peter’s episode was actually amazing, I hope he continues with that as well.

PEARL: Ah, that makes sense but it’s really cool that they let you do that! Speaking of the cast and your downtime, Kat @powerprincesses wanted to know, with you and Jordi [Webber] being the kiwis of the cast, was there any sort of culture clash with you guys? Did you take them out to tour New Zealand at any point and show them the sights?

ZOE: We had a few bonding trips before we started, one was heading out to a beautiful west coast beach called Piha together. We just spent time together and practised our morph on the sand lol it was cute!

Chip had an evil idea of picking us up super early in the morning a week or so before filming, to drive a few hours out of Auckland to do the Waitomo caves. Look them up, they’re extraordinary! You end up abseiling into this cave, and trudging through mud and water to see waterfalls and the amazing cave formations - and the glow worms! I’m pretty sure it was on our day off so none of us wanted to go as we were tired from training and all we wanted to do was sleep and prep. But Chip was right, it was one of the best times we had together.

Jordi took a few of the boys to his home in Rotorua, where they met his family and were introduced to some parts of the Maori culture. I know that was really special for them too.

PEARL: That all sounds so amazing! Those caves must have been seriously magical to witness. And that’s so cool about Jordi and the boys, I wish we got more of his Maori culture in the show, it would be really neat to teach more people about that. I think he’s only our second or third Maori actor on Power Rangers.

ZOE: It would’ve been super cool! But for some reason they didn’t have any New Zealand characters in our season!

PEARL: I noticed, that was so weird, especially since they let Chase not only be kiwi on the show in Dino Charge but he got whole episodes devoted to his New Zealand culture, including one where his little sister was part of a Maori dance group. But I guess since Ninja Steel is an anniversary season they wanted to take it back to the show’s American high school theme roots?

ZOE: I’m not sure! I think it has something to do with the tax incentives here where international productions have had to somehow showcase New Zealand for tourism benefits and have a certain amount of New Zealanders as cast. I think that’s changed cause we didn’t do that at all lol

PEARL: I definitely remember reading about a New Zealand grant starting with Dino Charge, yeah. I think it’s mentioned in the credits of each episode too. I think Peter also once told me that just having two kiwi actors in the cast was enough so maybe that’s what changed?

ZOE: I’m not sure. I remember Chip telling me that Jordi and I weren’t cast because of that as it didn’t apply anymore :) Makes sense as the new rangers are all American!

PEARL: Well that’s interesting... I’m glad you guys were cast anyway! It’s really so much fun watching you all each Saturday, I can’t express how much I love Ninja Steel.

I should wrap this up as I think I’ve asked a lot of questions already, so just one last one: Is there anything you can tell us about this last batch of upcoming Ninja Steel episodes, things to look forward to in general? Anything exciting for Hayley coming up?

ZOE: Us too :) Thanks so much! It means the world to me to have amazing fans like you. Thank you! And yes, I don’t want to give away too much but I think the best stuff with Hayley is yet to come xxxx

[themurphyzone]

World’s Greatest Dad Ch 1

“Remember how you said if I got you a little Mary McGuffin doll, I’d be the world’s greatest dad?” 

“Yeah, when I was like, seven….”

 I was thinking about this quote the other night, and it occurred to me that the PnF fandom doesn’t have a lot of stories that involve a younger Vanessa. They’re out there, I remember there was one fanfic that had Vanessa and Heinz visiting Roger on Halloween night and she was dressed like a black cat. And if anyone recalls Emergency Procedures by Sage of Mudora, there was a certain flashback where you don’t know true seething hatred for Heinz’s sperm and egg donors until you’ve read it.

 Anyway, the episode Finding Mary McGuffin gave me the inspiration for this fic. I’ve been wanting to write a young Vanessa story for a while now.  Hope you enjoy!

Ch 1: Questions and Hot Chocolate

Ads blared on the television, filling the penthouse with saccharine, overly cheery songs about family and all the hot items on sale this holiday season. Heinz knew he was going to get Jingle Bells stuck in his head again, but he was too preoccupied with cleaning to care. He debated breaking out the Vacuum-inator to speed things along, but that particular creation tended to be unpredictable on its best days. And he refused to wade through a balcony filled with dust bunnies again.

Heinz sprayed the table with a cleaning solution, swiping a rag through the liquid. He held his turtleneck over his nose so he didn’t breathe in the harsh ammonia scent.

He had to keep moving. It was better than just sitting on the couch and wallowing. Especially when the rest of the city was so cheery with their carols and horse-drawn carriages and chiming bells.

It wasn’t that he hated it, per se.

He just didn’t care.

And there were more important things to do. For instance, making his little girl happy and trying to establish himself as enough of a threat to warrant a nemesis.

Speaking of his little girl, Charlene should’ve dropped her off by now. Heinz glanced at the clock. How could it already be five with no sign of them yet? He forced himself to breathe and relax before dialing Charlene’s cell number.

“C’mon pick up, pick up,” Heinz muttered as the phone continued to ring. “Why isn’t she picking up?”

“Hello, Heinz. Vanessa and I are just heading out the door. We’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Charlene said smoothly, as if she didn’t care about punctuality.

Heinz sighed. “You’re an hour late.”

“I’m not,” Charlene sounded offended. Heinz could just picture that familiar eye roll. Vanessa had taken to doing the same thing recently. Must’ve gotten it from her mom. “Did you forget Daylight Savings ended last month?”

“What does Daylight Savings have to do with anything?” Heinz grumbled. But he glanced at the time displayed on the DVD player, then over to the analog clock on the wall. Sure enough, the DVD player held the correct time. Heinz pinched the bridge of his nose in embarrassment. “Sorry, you’re right. I never remember to change the analog. Didn’t mean to get all…accusatory there.”

There was a soft snort on the other end. “Apology accepted. You want to talk to Vanessa? I can’t be on the phone and drive at the same time.”

Heinz could feel his mood brighten considerably. “That would be great.”

“Here, Vanessa. Talk to Dad,” Charlene said. Vanessa said something in the background that Heinz couldn’t make out. “Just say hi.”

“Hi,” a quiet voice muttered.

“Hi, sweetie! Are you ready for the weekend?” Heinz asked.

Silence.

“I’ve got hot chocolate and a box of candy canes here. You like that stuff, right?” he pressed.

“Mm-hm.”

Vanessa loved chocolate. It was her version of almond brittle. He knew she wouldn’t be able to resist a mug of her favorite drink, especially now that a cold front had blown into Danville. While it wasn’t unusual that she was quiet on the phone, he thought she’d at least perk up over that.

Heinz decided to try one more time. Maybe he could get a general idea of what was happening. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine,” Vanessa said, though she didn’t sound like it. “See you in a few minutes.”

She hung up.

Heinz could only stare at the phone in disbelief, wondering if the current custody agreement had something to do with him raising a teenager in a seven-year old’s body.

“Hot chocolate mix, mugs, marshmallows, candy canes, and the milk is in the fridge,” Heinz reviewed, racking his brain for any items he might’ve missed. “Instant Hot Cocoa-inator. I should remember that for next year. And it’ll be nothing like the Instant Hot Coffee-inator. I think I still have blisters from that one.”

The mug didn’t reply.

“I have got to stop talking to myself like this,” he muttered. The doorbell rang, and Heinz grinned at the items on the counter. “And I’ll be right back, you guys are gonna cheer my baby girl up in a bit, okay?”

He rushed to the door, pausing briefly to remind himself that he shouldn’t fling the door open and embrace Vanessa right there. The week had gone by slower than Heinz would’ve liked. It had been way too long since he last saw her.

Both Charlene and Vanessa would say it’s only been two weeks, but that was still a long time.

After inhaling deeply to calm himself, Heinz opened the door.

The first thing he noticed was how heavily the two were bundled up. Scarves, coats, boots, and pretty much the entire winter deal. It must’ve been colder than he thought.

Charlene cleared her throat. “Well, hope you two have fun.”

“Hi, Dad,” Vanessa said. She busied herself by removing her gloves. A black backpack was slung over her shoulders.  

“Hey, go put your things away and come to the kitchen,” Heinz said. “I’m making both of us hot chocolate. Looks like you could use it.”

For more reasons than just the cold, he added silently as he watched her shuffle off to her room.

Once Vanessa was out of earshot, Charlene sighed. “Maybe you’ll have better luck with her. I think something happened at school this week, but she’s not handing over any details.”

“She isn’t being bullied, is she?” Heinz’s mouth tasted like sand, his memories of Big Black Boots Boris resurfacing briefly before he pushed that bully to the back of his mind (part of him was itching to make a scheme out of that).

“I’d have to call her teacher for a conference as soon as possible if that were the case. There’s a week and a half left before Winter Break,” Charlene mused, shooting Heinz a pointed look that clearly said she’d be handling the teacher portion if it came to that.

Heinz balked, but he knew she had a point. He’d gotten tossed out of the last Meet the Teacher night, and the school probably wouldn’t want him back on their property any time soon.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Heinz finally said. “No promises though.”

“You’ve gotten through to her before,” Charlene said. “I’m sure this time will be no different. Anyway, I’d better go. Those holiday cards aren’t going to write themselves. Be back on Sunday evening!”

“We’ve done this routine for two years!” Heinz called after her as she walked back to the elevator, annoyed that she thought he needed the reminder. “I already know it!”

He closed the door, mentally counting to ten to get his irritation out.

Vanessa was taking her time, he’d noticed. Heinz was about to knock on her bedroom door to check on her, but he knew she didn’t like being rushed. He decided to microwave the milk first and only check if she hadn’t come out by the time both mugs finished.

It was funny how time worked. Sometimes days passed in the blink of an eye, while others would drag on until the dull clicks of a clock would drive any sane person mad. It seemed like yesterday that Vanessa had learned to crawl and would stubbornly insist on following him everywhere. It was the first time Heinz had noticed just how unsafe the makeshift lab he’d set up in the basement could be. He didn’t want to find out if Vanessa had inherited his resistance to random things exploding.

Then the divorce happened.

Heinz and Charlene didn’t see eye to eye on many things. But they both agreed that Vanessa shouldn’t be denied a relationship with one parent.

Things worked out. Though the first few weekend visits had been awkward, Vanessa adjusted remarkably well. In fact, Heinz thought she adjusted better than he had.

“Dad, you’re being weird again,” a voice cut in.

Heinz blinked, realizing that he’d been staring down at two steaming mugs of milk. Vanessa must’ve come in while he’d been lost in his thoughts.

Wallowing, to be exact.

It was a habit he really needed to break.

Vanessa tossed a math workbook onto the table, rushing up to the counter to get a good look at the ingredients Heinz had set out.

“I don’t have whipped cream, but we’ll be fine without it,” Heinz said. “How many marshmallows do you want?”

“I can do it myself,” Vanessa declared, ripping open the hot chocolate mix and dumping it into her mug.

“How’s school going?” Heinz asked as he added the mix to his own cup. Vanessa was too focused on getting the last of the powder out to respond. “Just trying to make conversation.”

She glanced at the box of candy canes before slowly pushing it away.

“Not a fan?” he guessed. “Or is it the whole no candy before dinner thing? Cause you can have one. What your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Vanessa shook her head. “There’s a girl in Ms. Hanson’s class who looks like a candy cane. She wears red and white and she’s always carrying this huge stuffed Ducky Momo.”

It was the first time she’d spoken more a few sentences since arriving. Heinz couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Then he saw Vanessa shooting a reproachful glare at him, and he figured that he wasn’t supposed to be smiling at whatever she was going to say. He took a sip of his drink as he focused on getting his mouth back to a neutral position.

“Is this girl being mean to you?” Heinz asked. The words were out of his mouth before he knew it. He couldn’t help but assume the worst. Or think up a whole bunch of complicated schemes that would nip this bullying thing in the bud before Vanessa was hurt.

Bullies would leave their mark forever.

He knew that all too well.

Vanessa added two marshmallows to her hot chocolate and carried it back to the table. “She’s not mean,” she said, resting her elbow on the table as she stirred her hot chocolate. “We talk sometimes. We were sitting at lunch together today.”

Heinz was just relieved that bullying didn’t seem to be the issue. “And what happened?”

“We talked,” Vanessa said. “She said her mom was remarrying and she was getting a new brother. Then I asked who her mom was married to before. And she said she didn’t remember his name, but he was gone. Then she grabbed her Ducky Momo and left.”

Suddenly the hot chocolate didn’t seem so appetizing anymore.

There was always the possibility of Charlene remarrying some stranger. She was financially stable and down to earth. But he couldn’t fathom Vanessa calling someone else ‘Dad.’ That honor belonged to him alone and there was no force in the world that could make him surrender it.

“And why you’re upset has something to do with this?” he asked, uncertain as to where this story was heading.

“I think I made her mad,” Vanessa said quietly. She breathed on her hot chocolate, creating small ripples along the surface. “Did I say something wrong?”

“You didn’t,” Heinz replied. He didn’t know all the details. Vanessa might’ve left something out. But it didn’t seem like a possibility. And he didn’t want her to imitate his self-blaming habit. “What did you mean by ‘he was gone’?”

Vanessa shrugged. “Gone.”

Which could mean a lot of things, but it was clear she didn’t know. Heinz decided to drop that part.

“You could say sorry if you’re worried about her being mad,” Heinz suggested.

“Okay,” Vanessa said, for once not arguing with him. She was biting her lip. There was something else on her mind.

Against his better judgment, Heinz decided to pry. “Are you thinking about anything else?”

“Are you going to be gone too?”

English words with multiple meanings were quickly rising to the top of his To Destroy list.

“I…I don’t understand,” Heinz sputtered, almost choking on a marshmallow. He seriously needed to brush up on what parenting books said about discussing heavy topics. “Gone as in left or gone as in… permanently gone?”

He couldn’t say dead.

And he wasn’t sure which option was worse.

“Both,” Vanessa said. She was giving him an odd look.

This was how the girl Vanessa had talked to must’ve felt. Heinz couldn’t blame her for stomping off if Vanessa’s questions made her uncomfortable. He was tempted to do the same thing.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Heinz said firmly as he dumped the empty mugs in the sink. It was taking all his effort to sound calm. “And I don’t have anywhere else I need to be. Just do your homework and I’ll cook dinner.”

Vanessa didn’t argue. She flipped to her assignment and got right to work.

A/N: Heinz, you’re a disaster. A lovable disaster but still.

It’s funny how Vanessa’s story about accidentally making Candace mad/uncomfortable came together because it didn’t start that way when I was planning it. Some things just write themselves, you know?

[unordinary-analysis]

Volcan as John’s mother

Ok, I’ve touched on this in my post about episode 115, but I want to elaborate more on that.

Like a lot of people in the fandom, I believe that there is a strong chance of Volcan, the new character we were introduced to in episode 115, being John’s mother. Previously in Unordinary, we haven’t gotten any mentions of her and Uru-chan hasn’t really talked about her either. This leaves a clear path for Volcan to be John’s mother. If Volcan really is John’s mother, she might be able to explain more about John’s childhood and upbringing, which I feel is important to truly understand a character. Also, her initial appearance as a possible enemy could impact the storyline if John gets involved, her being his (maybe) mother and all. I really don’t know how to phrase any of this, but I will go into more detail on my individual points

- Physical appearances

As you’ve probably seen, John and Volcan both have the same yellow/gold eyes. I have compared them side to side and the colors are almost identical. William himself has black eyes, so John obviously got his eye color from his mother. Black hair is also dominant over blonde hair genes, so it’s possible for both Volcan and William to have had John.

- Insight on John’s Childhood

If Volcan really is John’s mother, we might be able to see more into John’s past and maybe learn about his younger years, before he got his powers, and, maybe, how he got his powers. We could see how John thought, how he was raised. Your upbringing and experiences define who you are and what your personality is like. Maybe John didn’t know his mother or maybe they were very close. We don’t know and if we do learn, we are closer to understanding John and his reasoning.

- We don’t actually know if John’s mother lives with his dad

This one is less about Volcan and more about John having a mom in general. Though lots of people just assume that John’s mother left when he was young, this isn’t proven in canon. I have looked and there is no proof that it has just been John and his Dad for this whole time. It is a possibility that John has also been living with his mother this whole time. If Volcan is his mother and has been with John throughout his childhood, there are a number of things/possibilities I would like you to think about:

- Volcan could have divorced William, or vice versa, when John was still young or even a baby. This might be the cause of John’s dark attitude and quickness to violence if he was exposed to a broken relationship from a young age. He also could've blamed himself for it, making the whole New Bostin thing even worse, as he also blamed himself after. ? upset after ruining people’s lives again?

- John could’ve had such a good relationship with his mother. He might’ve had the perfect childhood and been loved by both parents. I would expect even after the whole situation at New Bostin, that their relationship would still be there. So it’s entirely possible that he still has a bond with his mother. If Volcan really is his mother and keeps in touch with John maybe her reasoning and advice is part of the risky and bold decisions that John has been making. Volcan is shown more as a villain type character. We know that William has always taught John to do the right thing, to use his power only for good. He dedicated his book about a hero using his powers to help others to his son. We know how he feels and where he stands, however, even though he was raised by this man, John often strays from his father’s ideals. Maybe his mother has also been influencing his decisions. We don’t know where she stands on John’s powers or what went down at his previous school. It would make sense that she would've been more encouraging about fighting about what you believe in and that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the bigger picture. So far, Volcan is presented as a more rogue/vigilante/villain, which would explain why her morals are different than William’s. And idk I really like this headcanon but tell me your thoughts.

Also if this is true, then there would be a good chance of John and William knowing about her involvement with the ability enhancement injection thing or whatever she does. If John knew about her part in all of this, he might have been protecting her, or turning a blind eye, though if he did know, it would be more likely that he would have hated her. From the beginning, he has been expressing his inspiration and agreement with superheroes. He even said he would join them if he was qualified. I think a lot of people believe that Ember has something to do with the enhancement drugs as well. Also, more recently, Seraphina’s powers have been taken from her, leaving her to be bullied and weak. John might suspect his mother, which would really ruin their relationship. This leads into my next theory :D.

-John might hate his mother (im sorry im bad at explaining)

If John has hated his mother from a young age, he might've tried to distance himself from her, trying to hide the fact that they have been related. This could explain his hate for Ember and horror to what happened with Seraphina. He probably thinks his mom is behind it and his rash decisions made after might be influenced by the hateful impact that the realization would've had on him. I’m not sure how to go into deeper into this idea but I hope you can get the idea and how this would be interesting in the story.

I FELT THAT I HAD MORE TO SAY SO IF I REMEMBER LOOK FOR ANOTHER POST