#like on one hand i am going absolutely crazy with grief and emotions over whatever happens in this insane series

[ectoplasmer]

sorry it’s early and i’m brushing my teeth while the sun is rising since I passed out last night before I got the chance to, and we’re getting genuine sunlight for the first time in weeks, and I’m busy contemplating just how ridiculous this series is

[since0202]

Chapter 21: Return

When Grace shut the door behind her, Paul was coming around the front of the truck to her when they heard a voice shout out across the clearing to them. They were still a little early, but some members of the pack were there building the bonfire pit and helping some of the community set up tables for the food spread. 

“Hey!” Jared shouted across the field. Paul raised a hand and waved back, stuffing his keys into his pocket before holding his hand out to Grace who gladly took it. 

“This feels so official,” Grace said leaning into him as they walked in step with one another. 

“Oh it is. The binding ceremony is a real ball buster, but worth it if I get to kiss you in public,” he said nonchalantly. Grace looked up at him confused for a minute and then said, 

“You’re so full of shit, Lahote.” He laughed and unfurled his hand from hers to drape it across her shoulder instead and pulled her into him to kiss the top of her head before they reached the group. 

They entered the raucous of hoots and hollers from the pack. Grace gave Emily a quick hug before settling next to her quickly as Paul helped prepare the bonfire with the others. Grace always felt at home here. Speaking of home: 

“Weird question,” Emily had asked after she confirmed with Grace that her and Paul had made it official. She seemed pleased when Grace had said they were so that was a good sign. 

“Shoot,” Grace said. 

“After graduation, are you planning on moving back to the rez?” Emily asked casually. Grace felt like she had been smacked with a 2x4. 

“Umm, I mean. I don’t know my plans just yet, but….maybe?” Grace said suddenly. Where were these words coming from? Grace had planned on taking some classes at the community college in the fall to get her bearings for the next step, but the Spirit Bird thing had kind of thrown things off course for her. Her grades were good enough to get into local schools according to her advisor but she didn’t know if she was ready to leave just yet. 

“Think about it. The tribe has money set aside to help tribe members relocate to the rez and find a home here. I’m sure Paul would love it, and you clearly belong here.” Emily nudged her on that last one. 

“Thanks, yeah. I’ll-I’ll think about it.” Grace said. Suddenly there was a flurry of activity around her as the rest of the tribe drew near for the lighting of the bonfire. Paul had come over and handed her a drink before taking her back to their spot. 

As the council members gave updates about the tribe, Grace settled into Paul’s side, however she couldn’t help her eyes dancing around the group to see if Jake would show. When she and Emily were talking, Quil and Embry were close by discussing Jake’s whereabouts. Apparently he’d been gone for a couple days now. Grace breathed a sigh of relief that he might not yet know that she and Paul were a thing. She wasn’t ashamed, she just wanted to be in this happy bubble a little while longer. 

But her bubble quickly burst when she saw just outside the ring of people, Jacob’s towering frame, arms crossed and looking toward the fire. She made eye contact with him for a half a second trying to keep her thoughts clear before laying her head on Paul’s shoulder to continue listening. 

Once the official business was wrapped up, they broke for food—the most fun part of bonfire night. 

“Want me to grab you something?” Paul said eagerly, a hand lightly placed around her waist. 

“Sure! Whatever you’re getting just grab me some. I’m going to make the rounds,” Grace gestured over her shoulder to a waiting crowd looking in her direction. 

“Go on, Spirit Bird,” he kissed her forehead and let her slip away toward the group. She was greeted cheerfully by the throng of people waiting to receive her. 

Grace noticed more and more that part of her role as Spirit Bird was not just the connecting link between the wolves that made them work better together, or the fact that she could provide protection with her shield and whatever other abilities waited under the surface, but she was also an emotional and spiritual conduit for her tribe. By even just conversing, sharing details with her, sharing emotions, connecting through touch and eye contact, Grace could relieve some of their anxiety, pain, grief, or worry. The best way that she could describe it was that she felt craved by the tribe. 

So she took her time moving from circle to circle, checking in, exchanging hugs and forehead touches, just being with the people who loved her. This also gave Grace immense relief and she felt so needed here that Emily’s suggestion of moving to the rez after graduation didn’t sound so crazy. Paul’s eyes followed her every now and then, keeping track of her in the crowd until she reached the outer edge where Ti’Hal was milling about with some children. 

Grace made her way to her and crouched next to her letting her know she was there by placing a hand on her arm and smiling warmly, not needing to communicate verbally. Ti’Hal returned the smile and then stood. She cupped her hands warmly on Grace’s face and said: 

“Little bird, you seem happy.” 

“I am,” Grace almost choked out. 

“That’s good dear.” Suddenly, Ti’Hal’s eyes were distracted over Grace’s shoulder toward the treeline. Grace turned to see Jake just standing off outside of trees. His eyes pulled at Grace and she felt that familiar tug in her middle that had been absent for awhile since she hadn’t seen him. She looked back to Ti’Hal wanting to stay with her and pretend like she hadn’t seen him. Not yet, not yet. The voice in Grace’s head begged. Ti’Hal gave her a knowing look and once again pulled her face down to hers, pressing their foreheads together. 

“You are both trying so hard to be different people. Why must you draw out fate like this?” 

“What?” Grace said incredulous. Two seconds ago Ti’Hal had acknowledged how happy she was and now she was trying to be someone different? 

“Little bird, youth carries you now, but don’t fight it for too long or you both will suffer.” Ti’Hal let go of her face seriously and moved back across the lawn toward the elders. Grace stood up straight, shocked. 

“What the hell-” 

“Can I talk to you?” Grace nearly shot out of her skin at the request behind her. She whipped around coming face to face with Jake, a pleading but strong look on his face. Her bubble had indeed, spectacularly burst. 

Grace looked around her immediate vicinity for any sign of Paul. She knew two things for sure: 1) If he saw her with Jake, he’d come immediately to her rescue and 2) if he found her with Jake there might be hell to pay. 

Not seeing Paul anywhere nearby and the throng of the tribe separating them from the immediate sight line of the bonfire, she nodded with a terse ‘fine’ and followed him as he led her to the forest. 

They went just inside the treeline, maybe 40 yards in, where they could still hear the bustle of the of bonfire and the see the light of the flames. Jake turned and Grace kept a good bit of distance between them so that nothing could be misconstrued if they were happened upon by a member of the pack. 

“Yes?” Grace said a little irritated. Jake shook his head and scowled at that. 

“Really?” He shot back. Okay, so this was going to be a fight. Grace thought to herself. 

“What, Jake? I haven’t heard from you or seen you in days, what could you possibly want?” Grace was mostly irritated because that tug that she had quieted was roaring back trying to pull them together like a magnet and she felt it’s discomfort by refusing it. 

“Oh please. So I’m gone a few days and you immediately shack up with Paul?” He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth and tried quickly to back track when he saw the outraged, open mouthed look on Grace’s face, “I just mean...I just want to know: Are you guys officially dating or what?” 

“Jesus, Jake. This is what you wanted to ask me? Yes, Paul is my boyfriend. And you could have asked me that in front of him instead of playing this secret hideout game. This is crap, I’m going back,” Grace turned to leave but Jake took an immediate step forward and shouted after her. 

“That’s absolute shit, you know. If you listened to what Ti’Hal said-” 

“And what did Ti’Hal say to YOU, EXACTLY?” Grace interjected swinging around and letting anger color her voice clearly. He had no right. 

“Exactly what she told you. If you listened to yourself, you’d know that being with Paul is just going to end up a mess. Grace. At some point...he’s going to im-” 

“And who am I supposed to be with instead?” Grace said, taking quick steps forward and closing the gap between them. She couldn’t stifle her anger any longer. She wanted to kill him, wanted to hurt him, wanted him to feel bad for saying all of these things to her when she was happy. She came right up to him and shouted, “You?! I’m supposed to be with you?” 

Jacob didn’t move, didn’t wince, just stared down at Grace like he wanted to speak. 

“Because last I checked, you were still hung up on Bella. And I have a boyfriend.” Jacob grimaced at the mention of Bella and looked away for a second. Hurting him like this didn’t give Grace the satisfaction she was hoping for and she faltered some, anger dissolving into sadness. 

“I’m happy Jake. Let me be happy. Please, please, please. Please.” Tears stung at her eyes as she begged without looking at him. He reached for her now and whispered, “Grace.” before touching her arms and trying to pull her into a hug. Grace shoved away from him, not letting herself get caught in this again. 

“NO!” she bellowed putting more distance between them again. And it was just at this moment that she heard a booming voice come up behind her. 

“Grace!” the voice shouted. She couldn’t tell if it’s intonation was one of recognition, concern, or anger, but she was going to bet it was probably all three. Paul was in front of her in a second, pushing Jacob in the chest, “Back up!” 

“Screw you, Paul.” Jacob shot back, the anger returning. “We’re just talking.” 

“I’m going to tell you this once and only once: if you touch her again, you’re going to regret it.” Paul returned, seething anger building in his voice. Grace took a step forward to interject. 

“She’s not your property, Paul. She’s here for everyone.” 

“She’s MINE. She’s MY girlfriend. And the sooner you understand that the more likely you are to remain intact, alpha-reject.” Paul shot back. 

“Paul, that’s enough!” Grace said stepping forward and grabbing onto his arm. He yanked it free from her to her surprise and pushed Jake again, who pushed him back. Both of their bodies shook violently. 

Jared and Embry crashed into focus and pushed between them, separating them from one another. 

“Paul, get a grip,” Jared warned, pushing him back toward Grace. Embry was leaning into Jacob talking quietly to him and Jacob seemed to gain his composure. “Take Grace and get out of here.” Jared tried to command. Paul made eye contact with Jared for a second before shaking himself free and quickly turning to roughly grab Grace around the shoulders and steering her back toward the treeline muttering, “We’re leaving.” 

Once out past the treeline and in sight of the car, Grace shook Paul off of her and gave him a scathing look before treading quick ahead to swing around at him, “Paul what the fuck?!” 

“Get in the car.” he said solidly, not stopping. “I’m taking you home.” 

Grace turned to watch him climb into the car and waited for a half second, the look he gave her made her want to dissolve. “Grace!” he yelled impatiently. She gave in and walked to the car yanking the passenger door open and climbing inside, crossing her arms. 

When Paul pulled into his drive, Grace perked up and said half confused, “I thought you were taking me home?” 

Paul didn’t say anything and just got out of his car and walked into his house. Grace sat in the car for a moment, readying herself for a fight before taking a deep breath and pushing her door open. Paul had left the front door open and she walked through closing it behind her, trying to calm her nerves. Paul was at the sink drinking a glass of water. 

Grace waited for him to speak first. 

“Why is it that whenever I don’t know where you are, I find out that you’re somewhere alone with Jacob Black every time?” Paul said, his voice even but hurt and anger still clearly etched in his tone. Grace’s hands shook a little bit from the nerves. 

The ache in Grace was growing after seeing Jake and leaving him so quickly again. She hated this part, so she tried hard to quiet it again, but Paul wasn’t playing ball. 

“Paul, that’s not what that was and you know it. He was asking if we were together and I said yes we very much were and that he was an idiot and could have asked me that in front of you.” 

Paul watched her with a critical eye and dumped the rest of the water down the sink before coming into the living room and leaning against the wall. 

“Part of me laying claim was to assure everyone that you’re mine. But for whatever reason, Jake doesn’t seem to respect those boundaries so I need your help there.” Paul was calmer now but not coming near her. 

“I did tell him we were together.” 

“That’s not enough.” Paul said quickly. Grace closed her mouth quickly not sure what to say next. What else was she supposed to do? Her arms hung limply at their sides. As if on cue, Paul said: “You can’t be alone with him.” Pain shot through Grace on this request. 

“How am I supposed to-?” Grace started and Paul let out an annoyed hiss before turning down the hallway toward his bedroom, “Paul! I’m talking to you!” 

He swung around, the anger back, “I asked you something very simple. For us to work, I need you to make the boundary clear because CLEARLY the line gets blurred when you two are alone together. I’m not blaming you. I’m asking you to choose me. Like I chose you, Grace. Fuck!” he yelled turning back down the hallway. He disappeared into his bedroom and Grace heard the shower turn on. She put a hand to her head trying to hold back her tears. 

How was she supposed to stay away from Jake when everything in her pulled her toward him? But something Paul had said was right: the lines got blurred and that wasn’t fair to him. If she wanted this work, she had to do this. And she desperately wanted this to work. 

Grace tread softly down the hallway, removing her sweater and jeans as she went. She was completely naked by the time she reached his bathroom door and hesitated, her hand hovering over the door knob. She’d promise him, she told herself. 

She gently opened the door and climbed in the shower behind him, wrapping her arms around his torso, before saying: “Okay. I promise.” 

Paul turned around and cupped his hand under her chin so she’d make eye contact with him. 

“For real, Grace. I need a solid promise.”

“Paul. I promise. I won’t be alone with him ever.” she said clearly, water streaming in rivulets down her face. He nodded satisfied with her answer before leaning down to lock her in with a kiss. Their shower quickly devolved into Paul carefully carrying Grace to bed, both of them slick with warm water. 

He buried his head between her legs and worked in there, pulling gasps and moans from Grace as she held tightly at his short hair. As she pulsed toward climax, one face lingered behind her closed lids as she lost herself in pleasure: Jacob’s scowl, Jacob’s pleading face, Jacob’s hands reaching for her arms and leaving scorching heat just from a soft tentative touch. She shivered with release and then Paul was above her, moving into her and washing away the pictures from her head. She bit her lower lip and focused, guilt flooding her instantly. 

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 68 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)

The poll closed with 146 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.

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RATE THE EPISODE 140 Responses

The anime continues its positive streak with just over 90% of respondents rating the episode a 4 or 5. MAPPA appears to be blowing this season out of the water for most of us!

Noice

Good!

I liked it

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 144 Responses

We got a pretty mixed pie chart this week. To be expected, given how many moments were in this episode. At a tie with the largest pieces of the pie were Hange’s eccentric attempt to greet the Marleyans and Eren’s gunshot figuratively hitting Sasha. Behind that two more options tied in each with 10.4% of the vote - EMA’s conversation at the shooting range and Sasha appreciating Nicolo’s cooking. This is followed closely by Eren’s mirror scene with 9.7% of the vote. Onyankopon explaining why he looks different when Sasha asks him about it took a solid 9% of the vote.

WHAT WAS THE MOST EMOTIONAL PART OF THE VISIT TO SASHA’S GRAVE? 144 Responses

This was almost too close to call, but Mikasa sitting alone managed to edge out just slightly over Connie’s “I’ve lost half of me” moment at Sasha’s grave. Trailing behind the two were Nicolo’s grief and the agreement between Papa Braus agreeing to a free meal from Nicolo.

AFTER SEVERAL TENSE AND ACTION PACKED EPISODES, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE TRANSITION TO SOMETHING MORE CALM? 138 Responses

The larger chunk of respondents are feeling relieved to get a break from the action for a few episodes. 21.7% prefer the action but don’t mind a break here and there, while 21% state that they enjoy the exposition more than the action anyway, so they are content. A small handful don’t care either way. 

We needed this for another build-up to more action

I like the action but it’s important to move the story along 

These just feel mandatory fillers to me.

I miss the warriors

I feel fine with it. I thought that was going to be some happy-go-me episode, but gladly it still had a serious tones.

This episode felt like a very welcome respite after the absolute shitshow that was spoilers week and....whatever the fuck chapter 137 was. 

Nice breather of sorts, I always like seeing characters from action-heavy series in their downtime.

WOULD YOU RATHER GET A SURPRISE GREETING FROM EREN & HANGE, OR ARMIN & LEVI? 141 Responses

The vast majority of respondents would prefer the slightly less lethal greeting given by Hange and Eren at the beginning of the episode. We’re not sure if the other 29.1% are masochists or just really love Levi and/or Armin that much more. Or perhaps they’re intrigued by the pig piss from the filthy island devils.

ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU TO BE BACK ON PARADIS? 139 Responses

Overall, fans are happy to be back in familiar territory and put into the perspective of the Survey Corps again. Let’s get ready to rumble!

MAPPA HAS SPRINKLED IN ANIME-ONLY ADDITIONS THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE. AS A WHOLE, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM? 139 Responses

Though subtle, MAPPA did include some anime filler (such as Eren’s, erm, mouth breathing). 51.1% enjoyed the noticeable additions, while 37.4% are completely confused by the question and didn’t realize there were any. A handful generally don’t prefer additions but enjoyed what little ones we had this episode. A small sliver didn’t care for them.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SCENES FROM CHAPTER 107 THAT WERE PEPPERED IN BETWEEN THE MOMENTS FROM CHAPTER 106? 139 Responses

MAPPA is shuffling things around to pick up the pacing of this arc, and 48.2% of respondents are feeling very positively about it. 38.8% also feel that both the order of events in the original manga and the anime work out just fine regardless. A couple of smaller groups either felt that things were a bit off from the manga, or didn’t really care either way. 

I think it's great because it allows an episode to start and end on the same chapter if mappa ever wanted it, allowing the right twists or cliffhangers to be in the right episodes, all WITHOUT having to slow down, which I wholly appreciate.

I'm fine with the changes. Mappa is doing good job.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE CHANGE OF GABI BITING HER NAIL AND ANGRILY SAYING EREN’S NAME IN HER JAIL CELL? 142 Responses

Nearly half of voters feel that both MAPPA’s take and Isayama’s original take work just fine for Gabi’s character. 28.9% prefer the anime’s take on Gabi’s reaction to all that happened, while 14.8% feel that her more defeated posture in the manga makes more sense for her character. 

I'm a mix of both? Her defeated posture implies that she's not happy with the way things worked out with them in jail and Zeke betraying them. On the other hand, her angry face is realistic to the scene too because it implies she really blames Eren for their current predicament.

She looks like some female version of young, angry Tarzan. This time Mappa should have kept the original postures, because the defeated Gabi feels to be more realistic, than the crazy anime one. 

I think they both work but the anime's take might be the anime team beating us over the head that she's just like Eren when he was young.

Makes it clear to the anime-onlies that she really is psychotic

Gabi sucks

HOW WELL DO YOU THINK MAPPA NAILED THE TRANSITION OF EREN SHOOTING THE GUN, TO SASHA TAKING THE HIT? 141 Responses

The response to MAPPA’s take on Eren’s shot inadvertently hitting Sasha was overwhelmingly positive, with only a few people saying that they could have done better with it. 

Eren shot linked to Sasha's death was awesome. Mappa is nailing it!

THE PART WHERE JEAN, SASHA AND CONNIE ARE TRYING TO GUESS WHAT A PORT IS WAS CUT OUT, WITH ARMIN’S NARRATION INSTEAD CUTTING INTO THE SCENE. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT? 140 Responses

Exactly 50% felt that while having that JSC characterization would have been very much welcome, they’re okay with that small detail missing from the manga (granted, it was at least acknowledged by one panel being animated). 25.7% have a more nonchalant response, stating that if it helps with the pacing, they’re fine with small cuts like this. 10.7% are just let down by JSC’s lack of characterization in the anime overall and didn’t appreciate even more being taken from their characterization in this episode. 

I was more so interested in our Paradis Peeps talking about newly discovered technology but I’m happy with what we got.

Not dissappointed since I understand you can't show everything but I love them so sad

Why was it animated then?! I’m so confused

Normally I don't like it when they cut corners like this, but I wasn't fond of that scene in the first place so it's okay.

If by "anime" you mean the entirety of it including the past 3 seasons, then option 3. I'm always going to be salty about how much they took out or changed for these three during the uprising arc. So far mappa has done okay with them, I guess. 

Would have been a funny JSC moment, but it was really absolutely pointless. In manga format it works as just background words on a panel. Animating it takes seconds of an episode that could be used elsewhere. So I'm fine with it being cut out.

SOME HAVE COMPLAINED THAT THE ENDING SCENE OF EREN REPEATING HIS MANTRA INTO THE MIRROR LACKED THE IMPACT IT HAD IN THE MANGA. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? 138 Responses

43.5% were receptive of the anime only shots, but favor the way the scene was portrayed in the manga more. 34.1% felt that both versions were done well, with only 9.4% feeling that the impact was largely the same (if not better). Based on the write-ins, the main complaint seems to be the lighting/color scheme of the scene not quite meeting expectations, or that MAPPA made Eren’s back look weird. 

theyll make up for it when eren screeches at hange next ep

Impact was there, art just felt a bit wonky and toned down the scene overall. 9/11

This goes into my criticism of the color palette and shading style mappa uses, which is far more subdued. The contrast is lowered and the scene is very dark, and there is little rim lighting, so while the actual lineart has far more detail, the detail in the lighting is reduced. Damn I really am writing a wall text aren't I? I prefer Wit Studio's art style a lot but Mappa has honestly been doing great so I couldn't care less, manbun Eren is hot.

I prefer the manga version. I think the anime version have weirds shadows in eren's back. Plus the mirror don't have the same energy, less impactful

Cool scene in the anime, an unforgettable blow to the brains in the manga

Idk

Most of the time seeing things for the first time is what's really impactful. Feel this way towards Armin's transformation in the boat as well. It was definitely less impactful than when you first read it in the manga.

I understand the fandom because this moment was very popular when the chapter was out. I think that in the anime Eren lacks the anger he had in the manga. His voice was too calm while repeating his mantra. .

WHY DOES HIS BACK LOOK LIKE THAT

I didn't care for it in the anime, it was really underwhelming. 

I think most people are annoyed about the lighting than the impact. It’s a bit too dim and the lamp hides Eren’s new hair.

Didn't like the anime version at all

The animation wasn't good and they totally fucked his hair, face, and body up. Although the added shots were definitely welcome.

Eren could've been sexier/animated better, I hope they do better next ep 😭

WE WILL ASK YOU AGAIN. HOW WILL THE ANIME DEAL WITH MIKASA’S HIZURU TATTOO/SYMBOL? 135 Responses

With Mikasa meeting Kiyomi presumably being inevitable in episode 69, we wondered if any opinions had changed on this. 34.1% feel hopeful that the tattoo will be retconned into the anime and that we will see this scene faithful to the manga. 28.9% think that Mikasa will happen to have some kind of embroidery on hand already. 25.9% don’t want to make a call either way, and a small handful think Mikasa’s going to just pull out an embroidery kit and go with it, lol.

The embroidery will be on the inside of her bandage.

Japanese are very taboo about tattoos because of the Yazuka... it will 100% be the embroidery.

I don't know but I hope it gets retconned. Never liked the embroidery thing.

It won't be included

Let’s just... ignore it..

I really really hope MAPPA retcons Mikasa's tattoo next episode. This will be the one retcon I will absolutely celebrate. Plus, it's not really a retcon if they're just amending Wit's changes.

WE WILL ASK YOU AGAIN, AGAIN. WITH THE PACING CURRENTLY UTILIZED BY MAPPA, WHERE WILL EPISODE 16 END? 137 Responses

Uncertainty continues to loom over exactly how far MAPPA will get into this (first half of the?) season. Nearly 40% don’t want to make predictions one way or another, while 23.4% feel that it won’t make it quite to chapter 122. The rest believe it will make it to chapter 122, with 17.5% feeling there will only be minor cuts, if any, and the remaining 13.1% feeling that there will be major cuts to make the feat to chapter 122. 

116 (?) when the allied force attack paradis

122 with the amount of cuts being somewhere in between. They can cut a lot of the Gabi and Falco plotline and still have the story remain intact.

See, I'm not sure buy I'm also worried and curious about it all. It brings up the question of will the story continue in a possible second half of the season? With the manga ending very soon now, it makes sense to have the story wrap up in its anime medium as well. Fees like there's some kind of uncertainty surrounding this, it's unnerving tbh. 

119 with Eren's head being blown off.

gabi no scoping eren, ending creds is eren entering paths and we see ymir standing behind him, s4p2 starts w the ymir backstory

121

No idea and I don't think about it. I just enjoy the show. 

Your guess is as good as mine, I'm still fearing major cuts.

119

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NICOLO’S PORTRAYAL? 138 Responses

With Nicolo now formally introduced in the anime, we were curious how you felt about his portrayal. Overall the reaction was positive, with 48.6% agreeing that he’s a “cutie pie chef”, and another 45.7% feeling that his design and seiyuu are absolutely great! A small handful were less happy with the voice, but happy with the design, and a sliver went in the opposite direction, preferring voice over animation.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE ADDED DETAIL OF THE FLOWER BOQUETS AND THEIR SYMBOLISM ON SASHA’S GRAVE? 140 Responses

Respondents vastly appreciated the flower symbolism from MAPPA with 82.9% of the pie. 12.9% aren’t really sure what symbolism there even was, and a small amount either don’t care or felt the effort could have been spent on something other than flowers for Sasha.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 143 Responses

This pie chart wound up being almost eerily even. 42.7% are most looking forward to the 104th discussing Eren (hopeful for the train flashback?). 39.9% instead are looking more forward to Hange and Eren’s tense conversation at his jail cell. The remaining three preview moments were pretty evenly split as well.

DO YOU THINK WE’LL GET BLUSHING!104TH NEXT EPISODE? 130 Responses

71.5% feel that there is a chance we will get the train flashback of the 104th in this episode, but don’t want to say for absolutely certain. 18.5% feel that it is a guarantee based on what we saw in the preview. 10% feel it is instead guaranteed that we will NOT get the scene in 69.

WE WILL LIKELY SEE PREGNANT HISTORIA NEXT EPISODE. THOUGHTS? 140 Responses

The plotline that continues to be a frustrating mystery in the manga - Historia’s pregnancy. 34.3% aren’t particularly looking forward to seeing her in the rocking chair and aren’t very stoked about having to relive this plotline all over again. 33.6% mainly just care about seeing how the anime only fans react to the scene. 17.9% just miss Historia altogether and will take any scraps they can get. And a small handful, at 9.3%, are actually looking forward to seeing anime!Historia with a baby bump. 

Don't really care about historia

It's in MAPPA's hands now. I just hope they can add a little more of her screentime somehow.

I hope so. I want to see the design of her adult self. 

I honestly wouldn't mind if Historia's entire arc, which consists of equal parts pregnancy, irrelevance and uselessness, is just completely cut in the anime lol

not interest

I'm not interested 

I've hated this fucking plot line with all my being and what it's done to Historia since the leaks for this chapter were revealed years ago. So I'm not looking forward to anime-only people jumping in with their hot takes too. 🤮🤮

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

mikasa was shown in sasha's grave in the morning/afternoon and then she was shown again at dusk. SHE SPENT THE WHOLE DAY THERE. and annie... what a queen. and hisu's few scenes? so pretty.

Really glad the pacing was well done

nicosasha ship just flew in and took the spotlight

fantastic!! maybe it's just because this isn't my first time going through this arc anymore, but i feel like the anime feels chronologically less confusing than the manga—I remember being very confused my first time reading these chapters.

The lack of score by Hiroyuki Sawamo is negatively impacting my relationship with the anime. The depth of the emotion that could have been evoked was not present. I also did not get the sense that Nicolo and Sasha were in love, which was a major disappoinment. There were other aspects that weren't so bad, though; specifically, Levi's portrayal and Onyankopon's philosophy.

It felt a bit all over the place, but just seeing things from the manga being animated, I ain’t even mad.

I think that the scene between Sasha and Nicolo was made better in the anime. Isayama has problems with writing romantic moments, so in the manga the whole moment looked like it was taken from some light romance. Mappa made this scene more serene. I liked it. 

I think MAPPA is doing so great tbh! I just need them to hurry up and explain if there will be a part two to this final season or what?! I need to know if we get more anime or they'll diverge into movies or.... just tell us! Lol! 

How DAREEEE they not give Levi his black steed!!!! .....Although knowing what happens ummm yeah maybe his pony gets to live another day this way lol

Here comes the train wreck, choo choo!

I'm really sad I didn't get to hear Sasha call Jean a perv. I was really looking forward to that. LOL I love them. When EMA were at the shooting range, it looked too much like Mikasa wasn't wearing any pants. 

VERY solid. Not the biggest fan of the War for Paradis arc but I'm here for the ride.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 128 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated!

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

Emotional anguish list round 4: Percy Jackson. And Annabeth Chase, because we need some girls in here

thanks!!!

Percy

1. okay we’re gonna start off with him not losing the Achilles’ Curse, which I am having 2 thoughts on: either he knows he has it BUT DOESN’T KNOW WHERE HIS SPOT IS, or he does know the spot but being in camp jupiter results in two things. 1) everyone hates his, as they see it, weird annoying disrespectful ass EVEN MORE because he’s fucking invulnerable, and 2) Percy spends every moment there itching with anticipation and hypervigilance that somehow someone will get in a lucky shot and KILL HIM. 

2. I honestly think coming home to find out that Sally is either pregnant or has had a fucking baby would send him spiraling. like. imagine you literally go to hell, you’ve been fighting non-stop for months, the world is narrowly saved from ending and your camp family almost dies. all you want is to go home and have things be normal for a while. but you get there and there’s a fucking baby. Percy “only child for 14 years” Jackson would suddenly……..not get all the attention he used to. and yeah I think he’d be able to be more mature about it than he might have at 14, but he’s traumatized and hurting and he wants his mom but she’s busy breastfeeding! he has to wait until she’s done! I don’t think he’d resent Estelle at all, just that he didn’t get to be there when they found out/all thru the Big Important Moments (instead he was in hell.) and now that he’s not getting what he needs and probably doesn’t feel like he can ask for it

3. Zeus was such a dick in TLT that I wouldn’t put it past him at all to strike down the airplane while Percy was in it, kill everyone on board, and grab his bolt of lightning and fuck off somewhere. I’m including this one bc I’m imagining Percy’s last moments, holding Annabeth’s and Grover’s hands, absolutely terrified and furious and so, so, so worried about his mom :)

4. IMAGINE IF ANNABETH DIED IN TLO. IMAGINE!!!!!!! she’s the tether between him and his mortality. I honestly think he would go crazy and probably kill Luke/Kronos himself. I hate chaos fics with my whole entire being so I feel like he’d probably end up being rude/disrespectful to the gods after the battle ends, and either get turned into a god (whether it happens against his will or not idk) or he’d go home and just. fall into such a depression. he did all that shit for the gods, for the world, he’s fundamentally changed himself FOREVER and yet, he lost one of his best friends, a girl he loved. a girl he loves. how unfair and cruel can life be

5. Percy, miraculously 31 years old, being dragged into ANOTHER war by the gods:

Annabeth

1. she and her dad and step mom having some kind of miscommunication that ends with her running back to camp (or Percy, whatever) thinking that she’ll never talk to them ever again. I’m picturing her being about 15 maybe? I can’t remember all the issues she and her family had in canon but dskjfhdjshafjk if it’s bad enough, what if they don’t talk for years? what if Frederick and Step Mom never find out that she survived the end of the world? what if, when Frederick goes looking for Magnus, he goes looking for her too? he shows up at the Jackson’s door, and whether she’s there or not, hearing that her dad wants her…….that would be A Lot and she’d have to go back and reevaluate the argument that lead to her running away again and just have lots of emotions about it

2. I saw a fic recently where somehow (I didn’t read it :/) Annabeth didn’t end up falling into Tartarus, just Percy did. and I think this would ABSOLUTELY DESTROY HER. that’s her best friend, her boyfriend, her soulmate and he’s down there ALONE, for HER, because of her. who knows how he’s doing, and if he’ll make it out, and also leading a quest without him is super hard and it’s so difficult to sleep knowing he’s literally in hell, and she’s just falling apart with worry and fear

3. tbh after falling into hell, I think any kind of falling would be traumatic. so what if she falls off the lava wall? or like, Jason picks her up and flies? the first has happened a hundred times before & the second has def happened at least once, she shouldn’t be panicking so hard, but she is and she can’t stop it. the feeling of the air all around her just throws her right back into that moment, that gut wrenching agony and anticipation, waiting for the fall, waiting to land and either die or open her eyes in the worst place she will ever possibly be

4. Percy really dies when he blows up the volcano. first of all, the grief of him and what they could’ve had would be terrible and I imagine she would probably feel awful about going to Sally with her emotions, bc Sally lost her son and that has to be way worse. plus it’ll just remind her he’s dead. but even more so, suddenly the only person (that they know of) left to take on the curse is Nico...who won’t be 16 for several years, which they DON’T HAVE TIME FOR. Kronos is definitely rising sooner than that. Annabeth is a natural leader and tho it would probably take a little while for her to get back on her feet, she would take over what she had to/could, and. there are two options here: either Kronos rises and dies in basically the same way (Annabeth gets the Achilles’ Curse but her lifeline, Percy, is dead?????) and neither Annabeth or Nico is the prophecy kid, Jason is. but they don’t know that??? so Annabeth is haunted by this prophecy, wondering what the hell it means, and waiting anxiously until Nico turns 16 and NOTHING HAPPENS??? or, Kronos rises and Annabeth, furious w the gods who are barely helping or almost never saying anything, and also alone and vulnerable to Luke, switches sides :)

5. tbh... moving to New Rome. I don’t think she’d be able to live there without some issues, namely that it would feel wrong????? she’s a Greek? it’s not home? the architecture is off (she could do better, but if she says that, everyone will hate her EVEN MORE.) and there’s either no shrine to her mom, or it’s small and shitty like Neptune’s? plus she’d miss all of her friends and Chiron desperately? she’d be away from Sally and Paul, who are her and Percy’s main support system, and closer to her dad, who she’s not very trustful of? also how is she gonna be there without thinking about Leo accidentally firing on the place, which reminds her of the rest of the quest, which reminds her of falling into Tartarus. ?????????????? going there would do nothing but lead her to a small mental breakdown imo

send me a character and I’ll put them in 5 situations that’ll cause them maximum emotional anguish

[plus-size-reader]

Ignored

Theon Greyjoy x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 1860 words

Warnings: just angsty...don’t really expect a happy ending from this one. 

Summary: Theon's bride in Winterfell writes to him every day he's on the iron islands, but what happens when he never replies? 

Part 2

———————————————————————————————————

You knew that you should hate him for everything he'd done. He'd tried to take over your father's castle, he tried to take Winterfell, he slaughtered those young boys and so many other northerners. 

He had done so much bad, and caused so much pain for the people you cared about most, but that didn't change the fact that you were his wife and that you loved him. 

Even though you wished that you didn't. 

Theon was a coward and a fool, but more than anything, he was lost. 

He had no direction, he had no one in his corner other than you and yet when you begged him to take you with him to the iron islands, he refused. 

It was too dangerous, he claimed. He told you that you would likely be killed if you went anywhere near his father's lands but you didn't believe it. 

There was no way old Greyjoy would dare kill you, knowing what he knew about your family. 

If your father caught wind of your murder, it would start a war that the iron islands just couldn't afford. At this point, you were basically untouchable, a beauty in a foreign land. 

Still, you didn't argue when he suggested that you stay. 

If Theon didn't want to take you, it would likely remain that way even with you by his side. He had something to prove to his father, and his people, something he didn't need you to be there for. 

It was a bit of a slap in the face on your end, but who were you to argue? You had to help clean up the mess he'd made after all. 

Winterfell was without a leader, with Robb gone away to war and the girls presumably dead. Every Stark, aside from Bran were no longer in the north, and he would need guidance to help him rule. 

After all, his blood was of the wolf but it would still take some work to get the brutish men of the north to follow a crippled boy. 

He was just going to have to prove himself to them, and while it wouldn't be easy, you had faith that he could do it. 

You sat at your desk, a quill perched between your fingers as you stared at the parchment. 

Since Theon left, you took to writing him to keep him updated in what was happening in the north, and to check up on him. While you'd yet to get a response, you kept sending them. 

Eventually, the man you loved would answer your inquires, or so you hoped. 

You feared the worst in the beginning. 

You feared that he'd been killed, or was being held captive by his vile, torturous father. You prayed each night to the old gods and the new for his safety, but never heard a word from him in conformation. 

And even still, you sat admiring the paper as it mocked you. 

You knew that this letter would be no different than the last, and that it would go unanswered as well, but you didn't care. 

This ritual of writing to him was the only thing keeping you sane as you grasped onto the life you'd lived before. 

You longed for those mornings when you woke up by his side, bathing in the warmth of the furs that surrounded you. You wanted nothing more than to hear him talk about his homeland one more time, as if he'd never see it again. 

You wanted Theon to love you again, but you had this creeping feeling in the pit of your stomach that day would never come. 

Now that he had the kingdom he'd been searching for all that time, he didn't need you to occupy his attention any longer. 

Each word you wrote took a piece of your soul with it, and at the time that you addressed it with his name, you felt empty once more. You sent all the grief and resentment and anger you had been feeling away with it, and didn't look back. 

You were in the clear once again, until of course, you would write him again in a few days. 

~ 

The letter arrived a few weeks from the day you'd sent it, and was immediately brought to Theon's hands. 

However, as soon as it touched his flesh, it burned with the emotion and pain you sent within the pages. 

He knew that whatever was held within the confines of the ink, would likely break his heart once again, though he couldn't bring himself to actually reply to you. 

In truth, it was more guilt than anything. 

Theon knew that he could have very easily brought you alongside him to the iron islands, but didn't want to for purely selfish reasons. 

You represented everything he'd done wrong in his life, you represented everything he was ashamed of his past and he wanted to just forget it all. 

He wanted to move on, and be the Lord he had always meant to be. 

And bringing you along felt like a step in the wrong direction, though he knew it was wrong to just leave you behind. 

It was wrong to throw you away like a toy he'd finished playing with. 

But he couldn't help it. 

He had to take back what was rightfully his. He had to become the lord of the iron islands, and he couldn’t do that with a girl from the north on his arm. 

The northerners were seen as traitors in these parts as of late and not only was it dangerous to bring you there to meet his father, but it was also stupid. It would ruin his image and might even get you killed. 

It just wasn’t going to work. 

Even understanding that though, it broke his heart to hold your letter in his hands, to feel the paper beneath his fingers in the same place you’d touched. 

It felt wrong of him to do so, but he couldn’t help himself as he tossed the paper to the side. 

Reading it would only make the distance worse for him. 

“I am sorry my love, I truly am” he whispered to himself, retrieving it, only to hold it over the burning candle flame. 

The edge caught fire and the rest of the sheet followed close behind until there was nothing left but ash. 

~ 

Shockingly, that was the last letter from you that Theon received. He thought maybe you had gotten busy with something, or perhaps you just didn’t feel like being ignored any longer. 

Both were good assumptions, however, both assumptions your husband made, were wrong. 

You had been busy, though not with anything he would have assumed, and while you were tired of being ignored, you were in the process of making sure it wouldn’t happen again. 

Weeks after sending out your letter and again receiving nothing back from Theon, you decided that enough was enough. You decided that if you were ever going to see him again, you were going to have to do something absolutely crazy. 

And something crazy you did.

You set off on a voyage to the iron islands, knowing that if you were face to face with your darling husband, he couldn’t ignore you.

You just had to know what it was the had driven him so far away from you. Perhaps if you got your answers, it wouldn’t hurt so bad ever time you caught a glimpse of the band on your finger. 

Your wedding had been the happiest day of your entire life, the day when you could finally call yourself Mrs.Greyjoy. You thought that Theon was happy too, though you found yourself questioning that more and more as the days passed. 

If you truly were his one and only, if you truly were the woman that he loved, why was he acting this way? Why was he avoiding you like some horrible plague?

You had never done anything but be kind to him, and treat him well. You made sure that he was fed and happy, so why was it that he wouldn’t even return a stupid written letter? 

The answer should have been obvious, but it wasn’t. 

It wasn't…until you found yourself on the cold shore of the iron islands. 

Instantly, you were met by a caravan of guards, all riding horses and brandishing impressive swords. 

They threatened you, saying they would do horrible things and poking and prodding at you like a piece of meat, however, that all stopped when you told them who you were. 

The words ‘Theon Greyjoy’s wife’ were uttered, and honestly, that was the last thing of note that happened with them. 

The next thing you knew, you were standing in front of him, shame and sadness shining in your eyes as he yelled. 

“What do you think you’re doing? Do you know what could have happened? Why do you think I wasn’t responding to your letters? I was trying to keep you alive and then you went and pulled this? Are you trying to make a joke out of me?” 

He went on and on for what seemed like hours but at some point you checked out. You weren’t going to let him treat you that way, not after everything you’d been through just so the two of you could be together. 

You had just been on a smugglers ship for days, and he had the nerve to yell at you as if you’d done something wrong. 

“Maybe if you had answered just one of my letters, I wouldn’t have had to come” You barked back, shocked that he was actually upset with you. 

What kind of husband would react this way when his wife arrived to surprise him?

“Am I not your wife Theon? Did you not pledge to love me until the end of your days? Why are you being so cold to me?” you wondered, your voice much quieter now. 

You were clearly much more broken than he originally realized. All you wanted was for him to love you, and he’d been neglecting you. 

You were so tired of being ignored by the man you loved so much. You had always done anything you could for him, and had no limits to the lengths you were willing to go. 

It simply wasn’t okay. 

All he could do was huff as he tried to think through all the words and feelings that were swirling around in his head. He had no idea what to say that would make it all better. 

There really wasn’t something to say. 

“I am, but this is something different entirely. I am to be Lord of the iron islands, and I can’t do that with a northerner on my arm” he groaned, pretty obviously wrapped up in what he wanted. 

You hated him more than anything in this moment, for making a fool of you, for lying to you, for treating you this way. 

Perhaps if his title was so important to him, you should leave him to pursue it on his own...after all, that was why he wanted, wasn’t it? 

You wouldn’t be ignored any longer. 

[myinnerroomie]

              Today I want to write for pleasure instead of business. I want my mind to be productive, but I am sick of work.  I am sick of all the grad school papers and the stress of getting everything in on time, the stress of applying for this test, and studying for that test. The stress of pretending I care about the Air Force. And for what?  I feel as if I am not doing something to better myself, then I am failing.  In all aspects of life. And for what? What am I trying to accomplish?  What do I want out of life?  The answer is everything.  More than I’m getting.  So I fill the void with military and homework and physical activities.  All of which are healthy right?  What’s the problem?  I can do more.  I am so capable.  I see that. I know that I’m not meant for this.   However, I signed up for it, right?  I’ll finish what I signed up for and move on and appreciate what I learned.  In the meantime, I feel it necessary to point out that I may be jobless in 2 months, maybe not.  The stress of never knowing what is going to happen is real.  And I’m sick of it.  However, it pays the bills (quite nicely), I’m staying in a condo by the beach (where I’m sitting on the balcony typing), and it’s frankly beautiful weather and I’ll go for a run later. It’s really my fault that I haven’t found a job yet.  I should never have relied on reserve like this anyway.  I have no fear that I’ll figure something out when the time comes.  Actually, life is way better than it really has ever been.  

I’m so free (aside from the military which ironically is the thing that saved me). Oooh.  Let’s get into my early adulthood.  That should be fun.  So, embarrassingly enough, until this past year, I have always had a boyfriend.  We can get into my childhood later, but it probably stemmed from somewhere back then.  I have never thought much of myself.  Figured I’d go to community college like everybody else, then I went to a university like everybody else.  Majored in a stupid (fun) degree.  No real regrets about that though.  My self-worth was based on if people liked me, if I felt I looked good.  I do regret a lot of the actions of that sad, desperate girl.  Nobody understood, and I was good at faking it.  I did things that I have never admitted to anybody.  I literally could have been diagnosed with the same disorders as the other kids in the behavioral hospital where I worked.  Only mine weren’t for attention and I was deeply ashamed, so nobody knew.  I educated myself on the consequences of what would happen if I continued on that path, and slowly but surely, I got better.  And sadly, I can’t even celebrate that with anyone.  Shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, pain – what I used to always feel.  Pride and confusion with all this freedom I have is what I feel now.

I used to think emotions were embarrassing.  I knew I hurt all the time, but I was never taught how to deal with it, so I would isolate myself and feel stupid.  Actually, that’s what I was taught.  Everybody has issues, and I’m not special. Get over it.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why can’t I get over it?  Why am I so miserable?  Why am I even alive?  Everybody dies anyway.  Oh, I know how I can deal with this: weed.  Ahh, there so much better.  Now all I’m thinking about is how I can’t remember what I’m thinking about. Yeah, I should probably go to class now.  Wonder if they’ll know I’m stoned. (turns out that they did).  But I was really enjoying class then. Very intrigued with Maslow’s hierarchy of need.  Hmm self-actualization.  Will I ever know my purpose and get to the point in life where I can fulfill that need??? Nah bro I’m starving…  You think everybody is staring at me eating these chips? -- Anyway, this is only the middle of the story.  I’m not even going to go back to my first boyfriend.  Let’s skip to the second one that cheated on me after 2 years.  Looking back now, he’s gross and bigoted. He was mean to me.  He lied to me.  He cheated.  Everything was an ordeal.  I just constantly lowered myself and made myself small for him.  He, of course, never reciprocated.  I wasn’t worth it.  Because I never showed any self-worth.  One good decision I made was to further my education and move to Hattiesburg for school which he actually made fun of me for doing. Anyway, I remember one time he had just come from the boat or whatever he was doing for work and invited his friend to our apartment.  I went to sit on his lap and he pushed me off and laughed.  I just went to my room and cried while he spent the night with his friend. That’s not me.  I hate I did that.  I hate that’s their memory of me.  Oh well.  I know they still talk shit about me back home.  That’s fine and that’s their problem.

Another reoccurring theme with boyfriends is my lack of any other friends and/or support. This takes me to my second boyfriend. I had been single for less than a year, and I met him.  It was so much nicer at first.  I felt like he cared about me.  He was so sweet.  Finally, everything was reciprocated to me, and I was happy.  I was happy to make him happy.  Again, with my screwed up priorities, man.  But I had grown up a little.  I just had this baseless fear that I would be alone forever.  But, I’m not necessarily the victim.  I did have this notion that I should be taken care of. I never expected to pay.  I expected some sort of money and to pay to go out and about.  That didn’t happen with this guy.  This honestly helped me become independent.  However, over time, he became more and more controlling. He threw me down and hit me in a NOLA hotel and the police were called.  He tore up my purse and a jacket. I remember feeling so much stress because he said he was going to leave me there, and I didn’t know how to get home.  Nor did I want to tell anybody why I was in that predicament anyway.  I thought it was all my fault and apologized and he stayed. How lucky am I? To stay with a guy that hits me and breaks my belongings (He also broke my tent.  If I ever went anywhere, he would be calling and obsessed. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I knew there would always be repercussions for having fun.   I literally broke out in hives at my friend’s house in Jackson one time because I told him no I wouldn’t come back to his place that night and it gave me so much grief.  He said he was going to break up with me if I did not drive back.  But I sure enough stayed my ass up there though. It was still embarrassing.  He threw a boot at me once because I was mad and didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.  When I told him that hurt and showed him the bruise, he blamed me for acting that way. A few times, I tried to leave to go home, and he would grab me and not let me go.  I would be like if you don’t get your hands off me, I have every right to defend myself.  So I would straight up try to fist fight him to let go of me. He would laugh. Sounds healthy right?  Oh yeah, one time I did not do what he wanted and he threatened to get rid of my cat and locked all the doors to the house so I could not get to MY fucking cat.  So I waited until he got home and he just acted like he didn’t care at all about the strife he caused.  I think I may have even stayed that night at his house.  I hated him but I didn’t know what else to do.              

In the middle of all of this, I joined the military.  So yeah he came to visit me in Texas for graduation then said this was his vacation and that he was going to do what he wanted.  I’m like dude no.  I’ve been locked up for weeks.  It’s my vacation.  Another argument, more crying.  You’re a bitch if you stand up for yourself.  Okay months go on, we break up in tech school.  But I know he has my cat.  I also know he has a place to live.  Again, my fault.  I’m using him cause I don’t really know what else to do.  So I live at his house.  Then move to out of town.  He threatens to leave me again and tells me I’m shitty for moving away.  I move back to his place.  Back and forth, but he just stays and does whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for me.  Eventually, I just started to dislike him.  I can take care of myself.  I got another place with a room mate.  His presence annoyed me.  I thought he was ugly.  I think that was mutual, and I was like dude:  Let’s end it. It’s miserable.  He agreed.  Easiest break-up ever.  Now did I do dumb things, and normal post-breakup things? Absolutely. Did I still text him a couple times afterwards? Yeahhh.  Also,  I made out with a 20 year old army kid at a bar. And I also slept with a married man.  That was a whole thing.  But most of last year, I have just grown.

I have nobody grabbing my arm now.  If I want to pack up and go hiking somewhere across the country, I’ll buy a plane ticket and go. If I want to hang out with friends, its fun again.  I do not rely on anybody for my self-worth.  2020 was extremely rough for me. I lost my house and all my belongings.  My car flooded in a hurricane (and of course I only had liability insurance).  It has all worked out anyway.  I didn’t even need any of that stuff.  Honestly, I never had the worst life.  That wasn’t the goal of this. You know, to complain.  It’s just that everything has gotten better. Losing everything helps put your life into perspective.  I’m so much more appreciative now.  I look at what I have accomplished and where I came from.  I used to think that everybody was more important than me, and that I needed them to like me and see me as worthy to be around.  Well, that has changed completely.  I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.  That doesn’t make me less of a valuable person.  Everybody is not better than me and I have just as much a chance of being successful as everybody else.  I’m not a “bitch”.  Maybe some folks find me “annoying”, but you’re crazy if you think I will ever make myself small to fit inside anybody’s box that doesn’t like me.  I don’t “deserve it” to be living a miserable life. Life is hard.  Life is beautiful. It’s all about learning, and that’s what I have done. I win.  I’m free.  I can do anything.  While I do regret some of my past, all this has given me the drive to me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Still gotta figure that one out.

[altumvidetur]

Pacific Rim: Newmann Fic Recs

So, I was thinking about the coronavirus pandemic and what I could do to help people out. I’m isolated because I’m at higher risk, so I can’t really offer to go out for my elderly neighbors or my family… but I thought I could try to help keep people entertained.

Because I don’t have an AO3 account right now, I’ve been compiling fic recs for my own amusement for a year or so. And I thought – maybe that’s the time to share these with everyone? So everyone will have plenty of things to read while they have to stay at home, or even to escape anxiety a little bit if you’re forced to go out.

Of course, these cater to my own tastes, so you may find stuff you don’t like around here. I never include works in progress. The Mature and Explicit works will be in italic. I ask you to READ THE WORK’S TAGS before continuing, so you won’t find anything that makes you uncomfortable.

I haven’t managed to read the whole Newmann tag yet (started on page 183, am now on page 77). From what I’ve gathered, most of these recs are from before Pacific Rim Uprising. I watched that movie (although I wish I hadn’t), so feel free to discuss it. I hope you like them!

“The Things That Stay” ‘verse, by singagainsoon

a collection of non-linear moments, snapshots, tiny dots on an endless timeline

i would kill to make you feel, by singagainsoon

Hermann gets really red when he’s mad - his ears, his cheeks, his stupid fucking cute nose. Even his neck gets these big red spots on it. It’s funny. It’s really, seriously funny.

i’ll be a rockin’, rollin’ bitch for you, by singagainsoon

“Don’t be foolish, Newton. I can think of a hundred better things for you to do with that mouth-“

Entomologist AU, by singagainsoon

Two weeks ago, he’d been in the midst of furiously tapping out an absolutely incensed email to the man who somehow managed to consistently infuriate him from another department, even, and what Hermann would have given then to strangle him, truly - and then Dr. Geiszler himself had appeared in Hermann’s doorway, toeing the carpet with his scuffed up Doc Martens and asking if they might try to talk things out over dinner.

Hermann hadn’t known it was a date.

they did the mash!, by singagainsoon

obligatory newt-wears-a-sexy-halloween-costume-and-hermann-has-to-rail-him-because-he-can’t-help-himself ficlet!! tis the season!!

(video) call me at any time, by singagainsoon

When Newt finds himself away from Hermann for a business trip of sorts, they figure out fairly quickly that they won’t last until Newton comes home.

Good Vibrations, by singagainsoon

“Newton, are you quite certain about this?”

Newt smiles, gives the odd-shaped dildo in his hand a teasing wave and sets it aside in favor of the vibrator. His face seems to hint at something along the lines of Funny Thing To Say When You’ve Just Had A Dildo In Your Ass, but he doesn’t say it.

-

my lovely, talented friend and fellow writer gaby commissioned me to write this piece and let me tell you i had the time of my life (as did hermann, i’m sure)

A Certain Step Towards Falling In Love, by singagainsoon

“You’re terribly lucky, darling, that my father is away,” he says, voice low, smoothing his palm over Newton’s wind-tousled hair.

Eating In, by singagainsoon

It really was supposed to be just a massage.

you make me feel so young, by zach_stone

In the wake of saving the world, Hermann decided to appreciate the little things.

Or, Hermann and Newt go grocery shopping. And, because it’s Newt, shenanigans ensue.

seven minutes in heaven, by zach_stone

Hermann was enjoying a quiet, peaceful morning when Newton burst into the lab and shoved both of them into a closet.

in other words, i love you, by zach_stone

Newt is having a difficult day. Hermann has an idea to make it better.

hold me in this wild, wild world, by zach_stone

Hermann didn’t often allow himself to cry. Humanity was barreling towards the end of days, and he simply didn’t have time to fall to pieces, not when people needed him — needed his work. But four rangers had died. He decided he could allow himself one small moment of grief.

–

Or, some Hermann-centric hurt/comfort because I just want to give him a hug. Set pre-canon.

it might be over soon, by zach_stone

To celebrate a victory, Newt steals a bottle of booze and he and Hermann drink, argue, and maybe finally act on their feelings.

hey i just met you (and this is crazy), by zach_stone

Newt Geiszler accidentally texts the wrong number when trying to message his roommate Raleigh, and instead winds up texting Hermann Gottlieb, who he’s never met.

(AKA a college texting AU that I promise was absolutely necessary)

worthy of celebration, by zach_stone

It’s a well-known fact around the Shatterdome that Hermann does not like his birthday. This year, Newt’s determined to change that.

lab-appropriate decor, by zach_stone

“For god’s sake, Newton, that is wildly inappropriate,” Hermann snapped. “Those things are not cute, they are abominations. I don’t know why I’m surprised, once again you prove that you have no tact —” “Oh, give it a rest, Hermann,” Newton retorted, rolling his eyes. “It’s not an abomination, it’s two feet tall and made of plastic.”

Or, some backstory to the one of the kaiju figures in Hermann’s lab in Uprising.

The Geiszler & Gottlieb Post-Saving-the-World Lecture Tour, by zach_stone

Following Newt and Hermann as they tour universities, argue across podiums, and fall in love.

feel your heartlines, by zach_stone

Newt and Hermann cuddling on the couch at the end of a lazy summer day.

We Don’t Skip A Beat, by decadent_mousse

Summary by me: Newt, Hermann, and their heartbeat over the years. 

the lure of adventure, by zach_stone

Newt is a reckless treasure hunter. Hermann is an intrepid journalist. On their search for some long-lost treasure, they run into a little more trouble than they bargained for.

AU based loosely on the Uncharted video game series - no knowledge of the games needed to understand the fic!

wouldn’t it be nice, by zach_stone

Newt and Hermann spend a day at the beach.

take your time, make it slow, by zach_stone

Hermann was far from shy in bed, but was quick to brush off Newt’s insistent (and one hundred percent correct, Newt might add) claims that he was the sexiest person to walk the earth. Well, if Hermann wouldn’t believe his words, then maybe he’d believe his actions. And Newt was nothing if not a man of action.

–

Prompt fill for Newmann Porn Fest 2018: “Body Worship” !!

when you are close to me, i shiver, by zach_stone

When the heating goes out in the lab, Newt comes up with a great idea on how to stay warm.

–

Another fic for the Newmann Porn Fest 2018! Prompt was “huddling together for warmth” ;)

it suits you, by zach_stone

“Newton, for goodness’ sake, can we just — no.” Hermann frowned at the selections Newt held up in front of him. A pair of overalls and a red-and-black flannel shirt, both Newt’s. “I am not wearing dungarees.” “Okay, first of all, cute that you call them dungarees,” Newt said, grinning. “Second of all, you would look very cute in these, they’re seasonal, and I am not kidding when I say you’ll ruin your slacks if you wear them to a farm.” He wiggled the overalls in Hermann’s direction, the buckles on the braces jingling as he did so. Hermann let out a long-suffering sigh, mostly for show. He really did need to invest in a pair of jeans.

–

Fic for the Newmann SFW Fest! Prompts were “sharing clothes/personal items” and “pumpkin/apple picking”

ease my slumber, by zach_stone

Newt can’t sleep; luckily, Hermann’s got a really soothing voice.

–

Or, a conversation about how Hermann would have a good voice for ASMR turned into this.

pick up and start again, by zach_stone

“This,” Hermann says imperiously, glaring at Newt from the other side of the elevator, “is your fault.”

Newt whips around to face him so fast he almost loses his balance. “My fault?! How the hell is this my fault?!” He gestures wildly at the elevator door. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot it was my personal responsibility to make sure this piece of shit elevator is maintained so I don’t get trapped in it with the most annoying person in the Shatterdome —”

“You’re always trapped with yourself though, aren’t you?” Hermann sneers, and Newt lets out a hysterical bark of laughter. This cannot be happening. Of all the times for the elevator to break down between floors, it has to happen now, when he and Hermann are in the midst of a fight that’s quickly blown itself out of proportion.

–

Newt and Hermann get stuck in an elevator, and are forced to work out some of their shit.

just your touch could cure my lonesome blood, by zach_stone

Four times all Newt needed was a hug from Hermann, and one time it was the other way around.

(Or, sentimental cuddling: the fic.)

Heart and Soul, by zach_stone

A quiet day in the lab is interrupted when Newt coerces Hermann into playing piano with him.

My contribution to The Last Line of Defense Zine (spring 2019)!

Lullaby & Rain, by j_gabrielle

It still blows his mind, still makes him stop in his frenetic need to move, speak and think whenever he remembers that Hermann…

Whatever Hermann is to him these days.

Carry Me To You, by j_gabrielle

For the prompt on the kink meme that asked for; Hermann/Newton. Lab sex

the world ablaze, that’s the best for me, by postcardmystery

Summary by me: Newt and Hermann are two unstoppable forces of nature.

Please, Sir, May I Have Another, by eigengrau

It isn’t until Newt is bent over the desk, papers and glass specimen jars strewn about like the debris of a hurricane, white-knuckling the hard stainless steel with his pants around his ankles, that he realizes the gravity of the situation.

Hide and Seek, by DoubleStashed

Summary by me: Hermann Gottlieb - life and love for Newt Geiszler.

pull the trigger without thinking, by liginamite

It’s manageable for the first few days. Shared emotions, shared thoughts, words spoken in unison. But it’s only when they share a nightmare born of memories that it finally occurs to them that maybe this isn’t going to go away.

Rechtsbrecher, by Ezlebe

“If you’ve lost your key again, you’re not getting another,” Hermann says, sidestepping past Newton’s hunched form on the steps.

Darling, by BeeLove

In which Newton rides Hermann for all he’s worth. Or at least tries to.

unravelling, by kiyala

It’s been a while since Newton’s taken his meds. Hermann begins to notice.

All of Your Flaws and All of My Flaws, by CinnamonCake

Hermann is still there tomorrow and the day after and Newton tries to not break his face with the door again.

and i fell fine, by ohgod

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide –

what history has given me, by kiyala

In which Newton is a girl and she really doesn’t have the time for your shit.

Solving For X, by griesly

No matter what opinion Doctor Gottlieb had proclaimed concerning his tattoos on numerous occasions, Newt knew the score. He’d glimpsed a heady rush of somewhat mortified appreciation, just an old memory surfacing in the Drift from the first time Newt rolled up his sleeves in the lab. He could still feel it like a taut string in Hermann’s mind, in the same way he knew his lab partner was too surly to ever admit it. It was all tangled up with his impression of the way Newt approached the world, a precisely calibrated instrument in one hand and a nail-bat in the other. Newt had to smile at the way Hermann saw him, a churlish adolescent and a half-mad genius all wrapped up in a hurricane.

…or, sometimes even the sharpest minds in the PPDC can be excused for a being a bit dense.

Towards, by orphan_account

Based vaguely off the Lemony Snicket quote: “When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”

Hermann finds Newt in the lab after the clock stops, and realizes that sometimes all you can do is wait.

Dear Diary,, by ohgod

That is way, way, WAY too close to my whole InuYasha phase. Do-over!

the night will go on, by ohgod

Mako is sheltered, Herc is old, Raleigh doesn’t want to know about any of this, and Tendo is a perpetual asshole.

I Get My Kicks Above the Waistline, Sunshine, by ambitiousbutrubbish

Summary by me: Newton’s exploration of his asexuality.

corpus callosum, by hieronyma

1 + 1 = 1.

when it’s broken, it’s perfect, by liginamite

Love is not divided up into neat little graphs and numbers and theorems, able to be charted if one only took the time and effort to do so. No, love is… it is unpredictable and volatile. Hermann doesn’t really do unpredictable and volatile, but with Newt he doesn’t have much of a say in the matter.

After the Rockets Calm, by callmejude

written for the kink meme prompt: “The morning after Newt and Hermann sleep together for the first time, Hermann comes over all ridiculously British and can’t cope with the intimacy and loss of inhibition. Newt is having none of that nonsense and tells him to quit fussing and come back to bed for snuggles.”

behind us, by kiyala

After the Breach is closed, Newt asks Hermann to go to Boston with him. Hermann doesn’t leave.

They Say It’s Your Birthday, by callmejude

for the kink meme prompt: These two have worked together for many years, and obviously have had to continue working through special occasions, including their birthdays. I know they strongly disliked each other, but deep down they are good friends and I’d love to see anything (slashy or friendshippy) showing how they acknowledge or celebrate birthdays. I’m betting Newt is secretly into baking and Hermann comes in one day on his birthday not expecting anyone to even know, only to find a Kaiju shaped cake on his desk with a sparkler or a candle stuck messily in the centre. Or or or Newt comes in on his 30th birthday and he’s like depressed and absurdly quiet for the day cause he’s not ready to be that old and Hermann realizes why he’s being all docile so he takes off at lunch only to return with pizza and stuff to cheer Newt up and celebrate his birthday. OR YOU KNOW ANYTHING YOU WANT.

within reason, by kiyala

Newt goes to the Skull Temple after the Breach is closed. Hermann goes with him.

pull you through the mirror (before you come undone), by griesly

The War is over. The war is over, and everyone else has something important to do and somewhere else to be except Newt.

shaken, by kiyala

Newton has nightmares. Sometimes, Hermann has them too. 

Imagine Sisyphus Happy, by Jenni_Snake

They’re colonists… we’ve practically terraformed it for them. -Dr. Newton Geiszler

“The thing we saw with the Europeans was that they wanted their new world enough: they didn’t care who stood in their way.” -Dr. Melanie Mountain Horse

“Do not rely not on the likelihood of the enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive them.” -Sun Tsu

“The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor. … I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain. One always finds one’s burden again. … One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” -Albert Camus

How The Light Gets In, by griesly

He’d told Hermann time and time again that he didn’t love the kaiju, he studied them with a curiosity born from a life-long fascination with the giants of the earth. Newt had always been the dinosaur kid – still was, if he was being honest with himself, and the kaiju were the biggest, most awe inspiring terrors he’d ever seen.

the body is not an apology, by BeeLove

In which Hermann triggers some of Newton’s insecurities and strives to make up for it.

When Two Substances Collide, by Emileesaurus and ripkord

Doctors Geiszler and Gottlieb — the first ones in and the last ones out. Thirteen scenes from the countdown to the end of the world.

Scar, by mlle

A tiny thing written for Jaegercon Bingo.

Not every tattoo makes a scar.

I’ve got nothing to say but it’s ok, by madness_and_smiles

Newt’s burned into Hermann’s brain now, like an itch he can’t scratch. Whenever they’re in the same room together – which Newt likes to make sure is almost always – there’s the low hum at the back of his mind telling him Newt is there and Newt is feeling and breathing and sometimes they feel and breathe in unison and it makes Hermann drop his chalk.

in which kaiju guts were not part of the wedding vows, by orphan_account

“You’ve got your glower face on,” Newt remarked above him, and Hermann opened his eyes just to scowl at Newt’s concerned face.

“I am a thread away from murdering my own science team, so, yes, I suppose a glower here and there would not go amiss.”

Seeing in Color, by what_alchemy

The Dr. Geiszler Hermann had found in the publications — printed pages worn with constant handling and tucked into his briefcase for easy access — was an eloquent scientist whose work functioned at a level far above almost anyone else Hermann had ever encountered in the field, and yet he neither patronized his readers nor expressed himself in the inexplicable jargon which so infected much academic work. He was singular in his intelligence. Hermann thought this was a man he could understand — and who could understand him in turn.

More fool he.

Kämpfen, by Huntsmonsters

“The point is that Hermann loves numbers like they were his children, except that Hermann hates children. He loves them and the way they go together the way Newt loves every sample that enters his collection, the way he loves tattoo needles and his books of scribbled anatomical drawings and the harried, barely legible, 4 in the morning notes scrawled around them when the first pieces of a freshly dead Kaiju come in. These are the tools with which they carve themselves, the knives and chisels and guides, the planes on which their shapes are made. Hermann is held up by his cane, but it isn’t the reason he’s standing. They’ve both gone through the rabbit hole and come out again with something clenched in their fists. ”

In which arguments are had over equations and entrails, vivisections are banned, and Newt uses ink to prepare for the possibility of death.

I Was the Match And You Were The Rock, by griesly

Written for the Jaegercon Bingo Square: ‘The Drift’

'Hermann is strong and solid and stable even if no one else at the PPDC would ever think so, Newt knows so, and come to think of it, he always has. He just never knew the man’s mind would be so goddamn beautiful, so bright and full of purpose and satisfaction at a job well done that somehow, impossibly, included him.’

Lucky Number Seven, by griesly

'Newton?’ Hermann called out, only to hear an answering 'Shhh!’ issue from behind a moving curtain. He appeared to have cordoned off an area in the back corner of the lab with heavy screens, labeled 'Light-Sensitive Specimens – DO NOT TOUCH.’ Newton poked his head around the corner with a slightly manic grin.

'Lock the door,’ he advised before motioning Hermann enthusiastically over to a break in a thick curtain. Hermann frowned and paced across the room, wondering what could possibly be so important and so secretive that Newton would have to obfuscate its very existence.

Whatever it was, Hermann was certain he wasn’t going to like it.

autoclave, by cynicalRaconteur

Or: How the fuck is she so attractive, she dresses like my grandfather, I want to punch myself in the face: the Newt Geiszler story.

nyctophobia (into the light of the dark black night), by orphan_account

“See, the thing about birthdays is they’re totally an annual thing,” Newt explained, handing Hermann his latte. “And I’ve known you for, what, twelve years? Thirteen?”

“Fifteen,” Hermann interjected tersely. “And a half.”

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?, by mwestbelle

Newt has a Prince Albert piercing. That’s about it.

This Most Beautiful System, by rosepetalfall

Like Watson and Crick, Newton Geiszler and Hedda Gottlieb are two scientific names almost invariably thought of together.

-

Hedda Gottlieb and Newton Geiszler grow up, save the world, conquer academia, defy the odds, do some ill-advised things, do some brilliant things, and learn about love. Not necessarily in that order.

In the Midst of the Blackest Storm, by TrufflesTheMushroom

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, at the precipice of our hope, at the new beginning of our time, we can choose not only to believe in ourselves, but in each other. Tomorrow, there will not be a single person on our shores who shall stand alone. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow we will face the monsters that are at our door and take the fight to them. Tomorrow, we are facing the apocalypse. As one.

Or: Tendo Choi used to coerce every Jaeger Strike Team in the Hong Kong Shatterdome into boosting its dwindling funds with shady black market deals, and this is how he gets everyone to slowly become a family once more as the world faces the re-opening of the Breach and humanity’s darkest hour.

Or: How To Trust When All Seems Hopeless

i forget the difference between seduction and arson, by gyzym

Ignition and cognition.

animals trapped (the cage is full), by liginamite

Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? The world doesn’t have time for affection, for intimacy, for anything more than quickly coming and cleaning off and heading back to work like nothing ever happened.

The Mathematician’s Answer, by ConstanceComment

“Prosper our handiwork; O prosper the work of our hands.” — Psalm 90

People Might Laugh at Your Tattoos, by callmejude

It’s armor.

Conversations You Don’t Know We’re Having, by adventuring

The spleen was doing something very uncooperative now, turning colors no alien spleen was meant to turn, and oh god, was something bubbling? That could not be good. “No, baby, no, I can fix this, I can do better, just give me one more chance,” he begged it, ignoring Hermann’s baffled, “Pardon?” in his ear. He grabbed frantically at the tongs, fumbling them, realized he probably couldn’t fix this situation one-handed, and said to Hermann, “Gotta go, important work to be done.”

“Newton, I swear to you, do not hang up this phone, follow my instructions—”

“No time, man, science is happening,” he said, and then without thought tacked on, “Bye, love you,” and threw the phone in what was likely the direction of his desk, not bothering to end the call. Hermann probably kept talking, but hello, science.

California King, by notastranger

Hermann is not a sleep cuddler. Bummer.

that every man might have need of other, by lymricks

In the few hours it took to reconcile Newton’s gone with Newton left, Hermann had created an elaborate fantasy: Newton kidnapped, Newton taken, Newton needing to be saved. He had not considered that leaving had been Newton’s idea. He had not thought it would be voluntary.

You Lost, Doctor?, by hailtherandom

“The next morning, Hermine goes to work with a clear head. It sticks for all of about thirteen minutes, until Newt walks into the offices in a pair of jeans and an old, threadbare undershirt instead of her usual button-down, and numbers flicker out of Hermine’s mind like lights in a Jaeger. Newt glances up and shoots her a filthy grin, then drops her coat on her desk and pulls out a pair of gloves. Hermine loses whole equations to the kaiju rippling over the muscles in Newt’s forearms.”

Private in Public, by spirogyra

Dr. Newton Geiszler and Dr. Hermann Gottlieb get introduced to life in a shatterdome, and somehow survive showering together for ten years even when they’re on separate continents.

Nightmares, by beckettemory

“Hermann frowned, remembering the bags under Newton’s eyes and the constant bubbling of the coffee maker in the corner brewing pot after pot of strong coffee all day.” ——————- Hermann, sore after a long day, passes the laboratory and realises that, though well into the night, Newton is still working, and has been acting strangely for a few days.

Lights On, by berlynn_wohl

Hermann’s solitude and shame was an immovable object inside him. He had yet to find out that it would soon encounter an unstoppable force.

Not While I’m Around, by callmejude

written for the kinkmeme prompt: In all the years they’ve worked with each other, Hermann can’t remember ever seeing Newt angry - upset and frustrated, maybe, but never angry. Sure, they argue and raise their voices at each other all the time, but that’s just lively intellectual discourse - they’re never really mad at each other. Hermann has always just kind of assumed that Newton is so easy going that nothing can set him off.

And then someone messes with Hermann, and Newton absolutely explodes with rage.

Come Away To The Water, by funnylookingfella

The Kaiju War is over, there are no Jaegers left, the mourning period has passed… but the hive mind lingers.

A Little Friendly Challenge, by moonblossom

Newt knows how to get Hermann to cooperate.

I wear your granddad’s clothes, I look incredible., by notastranger

Newton comes up with what he thinks is a hilarious Halloween costume. Things do not go as planned.

venus in fleurs, by indications

6.7k of boring-ass white boys touchin dicks

so it goes, by liginamite

The world needs Newton Geiszler, and with that thought in mind, it’s Hermann that drifts with the Kaiju instead.

sugar, spice, and graduate programs, by classyfanperson

Newt works at a coffee shop. Hermann is studying abroad at MIT. Pumpkin lattes are good for the soul.

Good Day for Ghosts, by cryogenia

Hermann wakes into the new world, and carries the remains of the old with him.

Equality, by pickleplum

“‘Immediate family only’ is our policy and no amount of yelling at me will change it, Doctor Geiszler. Unless you are Doctor Gottlieb are long-lost brothers, you need to calm down and wait in the reception area or we’ll have to ask you to leave.”

Newt makes a very loud exasperated noise and throws his hands in the air, but turns and marches into the waiting room. He drops himself onto a couch and pulls at his hair in frustration. I’m going to behave, he tells himself firmly. I’m not going to freak out over this total bullshit and get myself tossed out of here. No way. I can do this.

no man is an island, by narcomanic

Running away from the hive mind is easier said than done, especially when you’ve been so clever all your life that you never had to learn how to ask for help.

Time Will Crawl and Our Mouths Run Dry, by hailtherandom

It was Hermann’s idea, oddly enough. Sometimes Newt never quite believes that, thinks he made it up in a dream or a drunken haze, because Hermann, Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, does not suggest things like that. But he did, and Newt laughed in his face, and then blinked a few times and said, “what, really?” “Yes, really,” Hermann said. “It’s logical, Newton, if you take a moment to think about it.” — Hermann and Newt. Mutual handjobs at twenty-one hundred hours every Wednesday and Friday. Slight complications develop.

After Zero, by what_alchemy

The war is over. Hermann and Newt get on with their [sex] lives.

More Than I Can Return, by callmejude

written for the kinkmeme prompt: “Newt likes to flirt with Hermann, the fact that he never flirts back does not discourage him at all. An outsider might think that Newt is foolishly in love with someone who doesn’t care about him back at all. But one day in the lab out of nowhere, Hermann says, "Alright, what if I just bring you off with my hand? Will that make you more bearable?”

Newt’s thrilled and doesn’t miss a beat. “God, Hermann, a handy would be awesome right now! Thanks, man!”, all while he’s unzipping his fly and grabbing the surgical lube for improper use.

From then on they start hooking up whenever it pleases both of them. Sometimes handjobs, sometimes frottage, occasionally one will penetrate the other. But most importantly, Newt never stops calling Hermann “man” or “dude” during the act, and keeps talking as if Hermann was just doing him a mundane favour, or he was doing a favour for Hermann.

It isn’t until they sit on the sofa in Hermann’s room one night, cuddling up and making out after a taxing workday, with no signs of anyone unclothing or unzipping, that Newt thinks maybe affection has something to do with it.“

Jackpot, by notastranger

People say some strange things when coming out of anesthesia.

Cleaning Days, by jotc

All Hermann Gottlieb wanted was a clean lab space of his own.

Feels Like Reckless Driving, by lakehymn

“Did you just say I’m right about something?” Newton asks, feigning shock. Then he lightheartedly elbows Hermann in the ribs and adds, “I always knew you loved me.”

everyone needs a place (it shouldn’t be inside someone else), by orphan_account

His brain goes a gazillion miles an hour in loopy misdirectional circles, and when he dreams he dreams of kaiju biology, of being back in their lab, of sharp elbows in a small bed.

Chatter, by berlynn_wohl

“What do you think? Is today going to be a good day?”

Unhappy Campers (or Why You Can’t Perform CPR on Someone Who’s Still Breathing), by Jenni_Snake

A summer science camp field trip to the mountains. What could be more fun? Probably anything, especially for a group of nerdy science kids.

Hermann Gottlieb’s Stacker Pentecost Obsession Trapper Keeper, by what_alchemy

Hermann has a giant man crush on Stacker.

Newt finds it delightful. Herc, not so much.

what’s your rush, by Byacolate

Summary by me: An elaboration of Hermann and Newt’s relationship before and after the closing of the Breach.

Baby, You’re Hotter than my Bunsen Burner, by SkysongMA

They argue like they breathe—but that’s not all there is to it. Newt flirts, and it’s disgusting.

It’s not that Hermann minds flirting. The Kaidonovskies have propositioned everyone in the PPDC, or so it seems, and Tendo has intimated more than once that he wouldn’t mind spending some time in the lab, “talking numbers.” The Shatterdome is a small place. One has to practice somewhere.

It’s just that Newt is so bad at it.

Becoming History, by Scientia_Fantasia

Sure, the phrase “crotchety old man who obviously pays no attention to the current scientific community” may have snuck its way into one of the letters, but hey, that’s what you get for calling Up-And-Coming Scientific Rockstar Newton Geiszler “some kid.” Like, the guy had it coming. Really.

It Is not Heaven, It Is Home, by bravinto

Finding the love of your life is awfully anticlimactic.

Fleece, by berlynn_wohl

Newt and Hermann enjoy a day of terminally fluffy domesticity, with maybe a few minutes set aside for shenanigans on the sofa. Also, monsters (duh).

For What It’s Worth, I’d Do It Again, by callmejude

Between finding Newton seizing on the floor and running to get Pentecost, Hermann needs to make sure Newton is okay.

The Stretch and Pull of Disused Hearts, by billiethepoet

Newt notices that the move to the Anchorage Shatterdome is affecting Hermann’s leg. So Newt builds him a hot yoga studio out of spare parts and an abandoned storage closet. Obviously.

Best Cock On The Block, by hobbitdragon

They’ve been so close and yet so far for fourteen years now, but the drift is the pebble that starts the avalanche of change. (By which we mean sex)

This started out as a short ficlet and quickly grew beyond ficlet status into a full-blown fic. I guess I really wanted to write more trans smut.

The Seconds In Between, by orphan_account

Sort of a day in the life of Hermann (and Newt, always with Newt). Mostly, I had a lot of tiny little headcanons and then tried to spin them all together in a fic.

hallo mutti, hallo vati, by classyfanperson

Newt and Hermann visit the Gottlieb family after the Breach is closed. Some are happier to see them than others.

The Cost of Craving Dark Instead of Light, by sonnie

Summary by me: Monica Schwartz and her son, Newton. 

The Two Weirdos Who Work In The Lab, by berlynn_wohl

Two vignettes about the worst kept secret in the Shatterdome.

he’s thunderstorms, by mundaneanarchy

Wherein Newt maybe possibly has a teeny tiny itsy bitsy almost microscopic crush on a certain grumpy old mathematician and Hermann falls and can’t get up. Angsty pining ensues. (explicit for chapter 2)

Never Done with Killing Time, by orphan_account

In between one day and the next, there’s always some time for some loving.

Quantum Degeneracy, by trell

Newt makes a sound from where he’s hidden behind his kaiju, behind his arms, and then he croaks, "I can’t play anymore.”

Hermann’s eyes flick to the electric keyboard sitting near Newt’s desk—a paper-covered, disorganized disaster of a thing—and he says, quietly, “Ah.”

the best laid plans, by liginamite

The plan, you see, was to totally sex Hermann up immediately after the world was saved. But you know that old saying about well-laid plans.

Generated Affects, by trell

Twelve is you washing your hands ten times up to the elbow in the space of the half an hour you spend prepping kaiju entrails for long-term cryo. It’s him that stops you, him that struggles over to the sink on his cane and grabs you by the wrists, hands fitting perfectly over the open maws of Hundun and Yamarashi, and he says “Stop,” and “Newton, think, this isn’t like you, it is like—” and the me hangs unspoken but you get it, let him guide you over to a bench in the lab and force you to sit still long enough to tone down the compulsion.

five times newt proposed to hermann and the one time he said yes, by mundaneanarchy

title is self explanatory.

alternate title: the fear of falling apart

warning: cheesy and kinda dumb

macho dudes in lace undies, by mundaneanarchy

Summary by me: Newt, Hermann and a lingerie kink.

one last kiss while we’re far too young to die, by mundaneanarchy

Newt and Hermann meet, fall in love, hate each other, lose each other, find each other, kiss drunkenly, save/destroy the world, and get married. All in that order.

it is one way to live, by fuckener

Newt would stay stuck in the wartime if nobody tried pulling him out of it.

Black Velvet Rabbits rockstar AU, by spirogyra

Summary by me: In which Hermann is the number one fan of Newt’s rock band, The Black Velvet Rabbits.

Sea Swept, by cypress_tree

A high seas fantasy AU in which Hermann is a ship’s navigator and Newton is found washed up among flotsam.

there are no atheists in foxholes, by liginamite

Newt and Hermann have been feeling off since they helped to cancel the apocalypse. They’re losing time, long black-outs, periods of aggression. The feeling that there’s something else, something they can’t pin down.

The thing is, the Kaiju drift left something behind in the both of them, and it’s determined to get out.

Can’t Wait for You to Shut Me Up, by callmejude

written for the kink meme prompt: “Hermann tells Newt to shut up, Newt tells Hermann to make him. They make out. That’s the prompt.”

(That may have been the prompt but I admit to it going much further than that.)

Dead Letter Chorus, by QuokkaFoxtrot

It’s if you’ve never heard anything true. But we will try 'til the next time or the last time. Dead Letter Chorus - You Am I

Newt owns a coffee shop. Hermann is a tenured professor at the local university. Their relationship has its ups and downs.

Also: Chuck is a champion barista, Mako is a world travelling Direct Trade negotiator, Stacker and Herc play a lot of chess, and Tendo owns Shatterdome Records.

Much coffee is consumed. (Except by Hermann who is a priss about how his tea should be prepared.)

bones, sinking like stones, by mundaneanarchy

You don’t love him. You don’t love him even though you do, you know you do, you know you do so much it hurts, but you don’t.

have yourself a merry little christmas, by classyfanperson

Hermann isn’t going home for Hanukkah, so Newt insists they both visit his family back home. They continue to not talk about their feelings.

Or: A Very Geiszler Christmas.

Newton Geiszler’s 11 Ways to Save the World, by kaijukonjou

Keep to yourself, keep your chin up, and maybe you’ll make it out in one piece.

Five Times Newt And Hermann Kiss While They Are Drunk, by luceluceluceluce

A brief timeline of the apocalypse from the perspective of a pair of nerds: a story of science, alcohol, and love.

Become What We’ve Always Been, by irisbleufic

Hermann doesn’t have enough time to experience a crisis over Newton’s response to his unvoiced request; he’s drifting into that self-same lethargy, eyelids heavy, his arm across the cane gone slack.

it wouldn’t be make believe, by infinituity

“By the way, dude,” he says, and he reaches down both to grab his notepad as well as to avoid looking at Hermann, “my parents think we’re dating.”

Instead of the expected angry yelling, he gets only silence in response, so he looks up to see Hermann opening his mouth to speak, reconsidering, closing it, and repeating. After several more repeats than strictly necessary, he sighs and slumps down in his seat.

“Of course they do,” he says.

sweet as anything, by classyfanperson

Newt is embarrassed about certain aspects of her body. Hermine is considerably more enthusiastic.

The Statistics of Touch, by WheresPeebs

Alternate Title: If You Would Just Stop Interrupting Each Other, Everything Would Be Worked Out in the First Friggin’ Paragraph.

Hermann is uncomfortable with public displays of… well, anything. It causes problems.

First, by cypress_tree

Newt and Hermann’s first time is Newt’s first first time.

Roses are red, and if that’s kaiju blue so help me Newton, by unnecessary

Summary by me: Newton and Hermann have some communication problems. 

point me in the direction of the last setting sun, by orphan_account

They were two women standing against the end of the world.

Urine Trouble, by kinkitsecretkinkitsafe

Hermann has a thing for watersports. Newt finds out.

breathing free and even, by classyfanperson

He’s working on it. They’re working on it.

High-Five for Hatesex, by kinkitsecretkinkitsafe

Summary by me: Newton has a thing for Hermann and justifies it as hate!sex. He might be wrong.

Counterpoint, by kinkitsecretkinkitsafe

Summary by me: Sequel to High-Five for Hatesex.

a thousand spiders down the drain, by Byacolate

Children can be so cruel to boys who pick flowers.

Secret Agent Scientist, by Malteaser

Written for the prompt: Hermann, secret badass; He has something cool like a fencing saber installed in his cane and when someone fucks with them he kicks their ass and keeps talking like nothing happened.

A Little Kindness Goes a Long Way, by patster223

Newt liked to purposefully annoy Hermann in order to get rough sex. Which worked out great, until Hermann found out about it and decided to punish Newt by giving him excruciatingly nice sex.

cross my heart and take me with you, by drashian

The first time Hermann meets Newton Geiszler, they are pleasant with each other for about 10 minutes until suddenly they’re duking it out about Hermann’s theories of transdimensional transport.

The second time Hermann meets Newton Geiszler, they just start yelling.

The third time Hermann meets Newton Geiszler, it is in the toxic blue haze of the Drift.

Anthology ‘Verse (& Related Errata), by irisbleufic

Summary by me: a study of the relationship between Hermann and Newt, from the beginning to the future.

Parallax / Perihelion, by irisbleufic 

Parallax—the apparent displacement of an observed object due to a change in the position of the observer; from the Greek, παράλλαξις (“alteration”). / Perihelion—the point in the orbit of an asteroid, comet, planet, or other celestial body where it is nearest to the sun (again from the Greek, περιήλιο).

One-Week Rule, by irisbleufic

Somebody’s got a stick up his theoretical vortex. Starting this off with a bang?

We’re Revolutionaries Now, by AxolotlQueen

One really shouldn’t attempt to cut one’s own hair.

(Or, Hermione Gottlieb gives herself a bad haircut and Newton Geiszler helps out.)

Newton Geiszler and His Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Interns, by cambion and casdere

“I know, it’s all a bit silly,” he admits.

“You always get a bit silly about your crushes, yeah?” She teases easily, and Hermann nearly spits out his mouthful of soup. Jasmine gives him another concerned look, but he waves her away.

“Vanessa, can you please not,” he hisses under his breath, and she laughs with the phone pulled away from her face, sounding like distant bells, and he feels taken back to high school, and remembers the fumbling idiocy of his crush on her, and knows immediately she is right, and he ought to give up the fight. He has a crush, an honest to God crush, and at his age! He knows, surely, it started with his fascination of the man’s intellect, but he also knows how quickly and easily he was drawn into his off-kilter charisma, as well.

or: hermann and newt are college professors, newt is working on his sixth doctorate, hermann is nursing a nasty crush, and i fit way too much into one chapter

scene after scene, by drashian

Everything had been banking on the world ending.

It doesn’t end, though, and that leaves everyone with this big hole where the future they didn’t plan for suddenly stretches ahead of them.

Newt struggles and reaches to fill that hole, and comes up with two things: Hermann Gottlieb and a cross-country road trip.

Chalk It Up To Love, by patster223

Newt replaced all of Hermann’s white pieces of chalk with pink ones. Or: the one in which chalk is a form of courtship, Hermann is head-over-heels, and somehow the entire Shatterdome gets involved.

The Apple In Our Hands, by irisbleufic

Summary: 1950!AU in which Newt is a cryptozoologist trying to find the Loch Ness monster, Hermann is more or less the same, and they have to share a cabin in Scotland.

Ice to Meet You, by patster223

Hermann is eating a rather phallic-looking popsicle and Newt is pretty sure he might actually die from sexual frustration.

In Sweden, and Elsewhere, by rillrill

Newt had just thrown down his end of the half-assembled bookshelf and shouted, “Whatever! It still makes no sense that two acclaimed and accomplished scientists with the combined brainpower of four average adults can’t put together a goddamn shelf!” Because, seriously, he can build an improvised neural bridge out of old lab machinery and an ancient Mr. Coffee, but he’s undone by three missing pegs? Fuck this.

Newt and Hermann rebuild, relocate, accept the Nobel Prize for Physics, fight over furniture, and strive to carve out a space for themselves in a world where they’re inextricably linked - in the the press, in their personal lives, and in their own heads.

Magic and Progress, by patster223

The Hogwarts AU in which Newt is a wizard, Hermann is a Muggle, and somehow they manage to save the world and love each other anyway.

Self-Destruct, by pinkmoon

“He learns how to never be wrong. He learns how to be indispensable. He realizes it makes him unstoppable.

Newton Geiszler is one tick away from self-destructing for the rest of his life.”

A character study of Newt’s lifetime of risky behavior and predilection for taking risks of the “rock star” sort. (Spanning many years, continents, arguments, and accidents, but landing, unexpectedly, in a happy ending.)

Today Your Barista Is: Hella Fucking Gay, by unnecessary

Hermann is a professor. The barista at the coffee shop across the street is cute and very, very single.

It is inevitable, really.

Predictable, by cypress_tree

It’s a movie date, but they’re not really watching the movie.

Adventures In Knitting, by decadent_mousse

Newt decides to knit Hermann a sweater, with… mixed results.

You’ve Taken A Pizza My Heart, by decadent_mousse

Hermann and Newt are so busy with work, they don’t get much time to go out to dinner, so Newt decides to improvise.

Fear of a Name, by uhnonniemiss

Newt and Hermann never could decide on how to define what they are to each other. It takes several years, thousands of kisses, a vat of acid, a big fight, and a sunny Boston evening to help them choose.

every day I fight a war against the mirror, by thekaidonovskys

“It came at a price,” he says. “To understand them, I had to learn how to fear them.”

Cut to the Chase, by patster223

Hermann needs a haircut. He does not need the cute hairdresser to flirt with him, he does not need a scalp massage, and he does not need anything trendy or stylish done to his hair.

Thankfully, these are things that happen anyway. Barbershop AU, featuring hairdresser!Newt and smitten!Hermann.

The Sublime, by Lucretius

The waves are coming closer to them now, and yes, the tide is coming to them with crescendo crashes.

The white fringe of sea is mere fathoms away.

“Can we?” Hermann asks.

And it is the question that one asks because, the choice having been made in what feels like another lifetime, now, for the first time, there is someone here, here, right here—who can see a way of being and seeing long dormant under so many layers of performing and seeming.

Recover, by irisbleufic

You’re my new favorite blanket. Come inside?

Untoward, by LemonScience33

Newton licks his bottom lip. “Maybe, um…” he says.

Newton doesn’t continue. Hermann wills his breathing to remain steady. “Yes?”

Newton shrugs casually. “Maybe we could give each other a hand,” he says. “Just two friends… you know, helping each other out.”

Knocking Socks, by decadent_mousse

Hermann and Newt go sock-shopping.

Listening, by cypress_tree

Newt has a dirty talk kink, and Hermann has a really nice voice.

Act Together, by irisbleufic

“You know I’m only a liar when it matters, right?”

You + Me = Happiness ², by steviekat

The thing is, Newt had never really put much thought into the future. The future of K-Science? Sure! Her own? To be fair, this probably better than anything she could have imagined.

Got Your Back, by Doooooooom

The workload is taking its toll on Hermann’s shoulders. Luckily, Newt is a dab hand at shoulder massages.

That’s one way to shut you up, by offensiveagentpie

Based on this fanart by pixiepunch.

Hermann tries a new tactic to get Newt to be quiet for once.

wash us away, by thekaidonovskys

Thank god Hermann undresses after he’s entered the bathroom, or else walking in to find Newt sitting on the bench top would have been much much worse.

visions are seldom what they seem, by mundaneanarchy

Hermann likes Tchaikovsky. Newt likes Hermann.

The Sun On Your Face (I’m Freezing That Frame), by irisbleufic

“Hate to break it to you,” Newton whispers, kissing Hermann’s neck with a happy sigh before letting his head drop to rest against Hermann’s shoulder, “but we’re busted in five, four, three—”

“Your ass is mine, Geiszler!” shouts Officer Hak, barging into the lab. “You too, Doctor Gottlieb. If you think you can get off so easy—”

The Good Old Days, by decadent_mousse

Hermann and Newt go scavenging for supplies during a blackout and get more than they bargained for.

A Proper Family Christmas, by uhnonniemiss

When Hermann ends up in the medical wing, he looks all set to spend Christmas by himself. Not if Newt gets a say in it, though.

Or, in which adopted and blood family save the Holidays

The Friendmas Ficlet Collection, by cypress_tree

A collection of five unrelated ficlets written as Christmas gifts for friends:

geniusbee: Hermann hurt/comfort patster223: Hermann wearing nail polish thehorrorinsymmetry: Hermann in lingerie bravinto: belly rubs decadentmousse: Harvest Moon AU

Aftershocks, by tastewithouttalent

“Hermann has to stumble away because the Drift is still too fresh and he can’t tell the heat of Newton’s body apart from his own anymore.” The impact of the Drift hits Hermann, and he and Newt don’t make it back to the laboratory.

Au Naturel, by decadent_mousse

Newt gives Hermann a wake up call during a very boring meeting.

Fortune’s Favor, by tamerofdarkstars

In which there is kissing, the end of the world, the subsequent salvation of the world, and more kissing.

Fills Trope_Bingo: Round 4 - Celebratory Kiss

Bump in the Night, by unicornsandbutane

Newt’s made a mistake, and it’s really a subjective matter whether it was a poor decision altogether or just a mere miscalculation. Regardless, he is forced to phone Hermann in the middle of the night, to deal with the consequences.

But the Gesture is Ruined, by cypress_tree

Five times Hermann tried to be romantic, one time he succeeded without even meaning to. A K-Sci romcom, basically.

Strange Bedfellows, by decadent_mousse

When Hermann and Newt first arrive at the Hong Kong Shatterdome, a paperwork mix-up forces them to share a room for awhile.

followed your ashes into outer space, by parpar

The numbers of the War Clock ticked down to zero, and the resulting euphoria was thick as smoke in the air. The assortment of PPDC members and civilian contractors were in an uproar, and Hermann and Newton made their way down the LOCCENT steps to stand in the midst of it.

When Tendo had finally managed to get Mako and Raleigh to stop hugging and cooperate with the rescue team, Newton had leaned his forehead into the curve of Hermann’s shoulder.

“We actually pulled it off,” he had whispered. “We did it, holy shit, it’s over.” Hermann had gracefully ignored the tears soaking into his collar and patted his colleague on the back while he pulled himself together.

Occupational Hazard, by decadent_mousse

Hermann overworks himself and gets a migraine.

In Space No One Can Hear You Mop, by decadent_mousse

Hermann and Newt are janitors sent to a derelict ship to clean things up after a group of aliens massacred the entire crew… but are they the only ones on board?

Liminality, by what_alchemy

What we know, after.

Fortuna Favet, by Mipeltaja

Newton seemed to think one could invoke good fortune simply by being bold enough or loud enough, a notion Hermann found utterly ridiculous.

It wasn’t that Hermann didn’t believe chance could on occasion work in his favour, it was just that life had taught him not to rely on it.

Brainspace and Kinkspace, by Emmalyn

Summary by me: Newt and Hermann exploring some of the delights of kinky sex.

Desperate Times, by decadent_mousse

Newt finds Hermann in a terrible state.

Matchsnaking, by patster223

There is a snake in Hermann’s apartment. This is not how he wanted to start his day.

Apartment neighbors AU where Newt’s snake keeps sneaking into Hermann’s apartment.

Put a Pin in That, by unicornsandbutane

Newt tries to convince Hermann to participate in a charity event. What ensues might be classed as ‘hijinks’, ‘shenanigans’, or ‘hilarity’, depending upon your perspective.

Remains, by berlynn_wohl

Newt and Hermann wrap Christmas presents and talk about death.

You Love Me Not, by mundaneanarchy

A story of love and coping with love told from the second-person perspective of Newt.

Newt loves Hermann and Hermann loves Newt but sometimes it’s not that easy.

Statiscally Significant Other, by unicornsandbutane

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Or, the fic computerbaby on tumblr requested, in which Newt compliments Hermann and Hermann is really really into it.

Pasta Aisle, by cypress_tree

Hermann and Newt meet for the first time in a grocery store. Hermann helps Newt grab something off a high shelf. Newt takes offense.

Disconnect, Connect Again, by cypress_tree

Raising Newt Geiszler has never been easy. Seeing him fall in love can be harder.

The development of Newt and Hermann’s relationship, from Jacob Geiszler’s point-of-view.

Spaces Between, by adropofred

Newt had not realised, somehow, that the world not ending would mean it would stubbornly keep on turning without waiting for him to catch up.

So what? He’s a scientist. He’ll do some catching up of his own and lose himself in the labyrinth of his and Hermann’s brains and their bodies.

This is absolutely not to be considered hiding, not that they can hide much anymore.

The Six Million Pillows Man, by adropofred

As it turns out, Hermann’s room is nothing special. His bed, on the other end, is very, very special.

Of course, Newt wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t find a way to turn this revelation into a situation where he could put his foot in his mouth.

Time For You and Time For Me, by patster223

A collection of Newmann prompts that I’ve filled on my tumblr. Contains: AUs, pining, flirting, bickering, several chapters of Hermann’s filthy exhibitionist kink, and two nerds learning to love each other in as many ways as possible.

The Beholder, by ItsClydeBitches

Written for the Newmann-uendo Hurt/Comfort challenge.

Hermann is feeling pretty insecure about his body. He’s unattractive. That’s a fact. Luckily Newton Geiszler’s number one law is still in place:

Hermann Gottlieb is ALWAYS wrong.

we’ll leave our tracks untraceable, by confused_android

When she steps off the plane in Logan International, something tight in her shoulders cracks, loosens, and she shakes free the last barb the PPDC had through her spine, through her brain, keeping her tense and wary for most of a decade. She yanks her heavy suitcase off of the carousel, identifiable by the years of layered duct tape repairing a seam that could once have been stitched, and flags the first taxi that will stop for her.

Permanent Ink, by mundaneanarchy

Inspired by this piece of fanart (http://rockstar-ologist.tumblr.com/post/126950663313) by rockstar-ologist

Newt gets Hermann’s initials tattooed on his hand. A month into their relationship. Hermann isn’t too happy about it.

Castaways’ Window, by Chancy_Lurking

“There are no words for the thoughts he has in that moment, because they are not his thoughts.”

Rings, by perniciousLizard

Three scenes, post movie. They’re happy.

Right Hand: Heart, by QuokkaFoxtrot

Two beers. That was all it took these days.

Dance In The Graveyards, by LemonScience33

As they round the next corner and lights come on, Newt’s first thought is, This had better be worth it, because we’re definitely gonna get caught.

His second thought is, That is the skull of Otachi’s baby, with lights strung over it.

His third thought is, This is definitely worth it.

Sweater Wars, by paenteom

Hermann takes his fashion illiteracy to new, festive levels. Newt is forced to retaliate.

Die Musik Kommt, by romangold

Maybe everyone’s drowning in the day, the night, memories and regrets and guilts, in relief, in pure, unadulterated happiness. Maybe they’re all dying.

Hermann finds Newt after the apocalypse is cancelled, and the two realize that perhaps they aren’t so toxic together after all.

Nigel, by uhnonniemiss

A particularly harsh snowstorm has brought the boiler- and Hermann- to a standstill.

(My piece for the 2015 Pacrim Holiday Swap!)

Etude, Op. 25 No. 12, by romangold

The climax always resolves to major, no matter how many times you play the piece. And the heroes always win, despite the amount of times you rewind to the beginning or fast-forward to the end.

sharing half our genes, and nothing in between, by getmean

“Christ, Hermann, is this a letterman jacket?” Newt cried, spinning and holding it up with a level of glee he hadn’t reached since he got that salivary gland from Mutavore. “How cliché can you get?”

Plausible Possibility, by cissues

Newt and Hermann experience some odd post-drift effects.

mountains sunk below the sea, by getmean

Newton has been, and always will be, what his father calls a ‘tough nut to crack’, but has an element of horrifying vulnerability that makes Hermann’s skin crawl. He selfishly likes Newton best when all his walls are intact.

netflix and chill, by w0rm

Hermann does the Netflix, Newt does the chill.

How to Deal with Accidental Neural Oversharing and Other Scientific Conundrums, by yourguardianangel

The world has not ended. Operation Pitfall is successful. Celebrations are had. But how are two snarky scientists meant to cope with having way too much of each others internal monologues retroactively overlaid with their own memories?

(with smut, that’s how.)

It’s All Good, by spirogyra

Thoughtless words, hurt feelings, cryptic statements, the drift makes things easier and more difficult, but in the end… it’s all good.

追伸, by lamphouse

“If I recall correctly, this is the man who confessed to wanting a pet Godzilla for his twentieth birthday, is it not? Glass houses, Dr. Geiszler.”

It takes two months for Newton Geiszler to fall in love. It takes thirty months, around two hundred letters, several time zones, and two missed-ish connections for him to actually admit it.

it’s alright, don’t you let it inside, by areunasty

They’re taking Gipsy Danger out for a trial run, and Newt watches with mild interest as the mech slices cleanly through the ocean. He thinks that if he was that big anything would be easy. Loving someone difficult, being loved, the quiet and painful twist of Hermann’s mouth whenever he looks at Newt recently.

The Price of Ghost Drifting, by confettiinmyhair

Newt is home early. Hermann has a surprise.

concentric circles, by lamphouse

It’s times like these that Hermann finds himself checking and double-checking his list of reasons why he works at the library. It’s also times like these that prove why nowhere on said list does it mention the people he works with.

The Boyfriend Experience, by berylnn_wohl

In the Shatterdome, Hermann confesses his disappointment that his and Newt’s relationship lacks romance. After the war is over, Newt vows to spend one year righting this wrong as they travel the world together on a lecture tour.

Everything We Never Said, by JennaCupcakes

Newt has a few regrets about his drift with Hermann. Namely, that he’s had a crush on the guy for a while and really doesn’t want him to find out.

Echoes in the Well of Silence, by unicornsandbutane

Hermann can hear Newton through the ducts.

Wishbone, by cypress_tree

Hermann doesn’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so Newt invites him over for food, family, and a little bit of flirting. Just a warm, fuzzy college AU to get you through the holidays.

Do Scientists Dream of Cloned Sheep?, by paenteom

Newt fumbles with the key card before he finally manages to swipe it, throws the door open and freezes.

There’s only one bed.

It’s massive, and covered in the fluffiest blanket he has ever seen, but it’s undeniably singular.

“Uh,” he says. “Awkward.”

Laughter, Confession, by cypress_tree

He’s nervous and awkward and he’s afraid he’ll mess up, but god, he wants this so bad.

Proving a Point, by steampunkepsilon

Newt thinks Hermann is a shy, reserved, vanilla kind of guy. Newt is wrong, and Hermann has sources.

Slumber Sequence, by strigine

Summary by me: Newton and Hermann’s sleeping habits.

Clean Clock, by cissues

'“So, you’re that guy, huh?” The man says, finally. He has his back to the newly emptied and even more newly dirtied sink and Hermann’s gaze is fixated on the encrusted plates and wine-stained glassware.’

Or, where Hermann is a hermit and also a clean freak with messy roommates.

Linguistics, by cypress_tree

Literally just a thousand words of Newt masturbating while listening to Hermann give an interview on a podcast.

i ain’t holy, i ain’t close, by queenofthestarrrs

The end of the world feels like home.

tell me you’ll love me for a million years, by buckgaybarnes

Hermann is working late, so Newt decides to be a great husband and tackle their chores. He mostly succeeds.

lost connection, by orphan_account

When the Shatterdome stays open for continuing research, the K-Science team realizes they’ll actually have to deal with the after-effects of their Drift.

Trial and Error, by cypress_tree

A romantic comedy of errors in which Newt and Hermann try to spice things up….and fail spectacularly.

Mixed Signals, by SkysongMA

After the Drift, Hermann starts having sex dreams.

Newt’s sex dreams.

That are all about Hermann.

Oh Mein Me, by junkiechurch

You wonder how a heart like his could ever love a man like you.

clothes (or a lack thereof), by orphan_account

Once the war is over, Hermann and Newt move in together. Newt realizes how little clothing they actually own.

[letterstothemidnightsociety]

Another day of quarantine, another attempt to decipher the secret to one show’s mind-boggling longevity - Are they casting spells on every airdate? Do they have some kind of talisman? Did they make an actual deal with a literal devil to stay on the air this long?? The fact that Jensen Ackles has barely aged a day sure suggests they might have. It’s Supernatural! 

I think one of my favorite things so far has been the trailer that plays at the end of “Crossroad Blues” to really make sure you tune into the next episode which...did not play for two weeks. Looking at air dates, “Crossroad Blues” plays on Nov 16, 2006, so that’s right around the Thanksgiving break. Then they come back for ONE episode on Dec 7 and that is their midseason finale. TV programming is wild. 

I was like, really into this Bobby Johnson, like...I was into that.

It’s very possible that at this point in the season, SPN is trying real hard to keep their audience. Looking at the numbers for all the episodes leading up to “Croatoan”, they’re only averaging between 3 and 4 million viewers, roughly 1 - 2 million less than where they were at this time in season 1, so it’s easy to see why SPN was on the hook for renewal in season 2. Looking over its ratings for the rest of the season, the audience numbers just keep going down. The show is the number 8 highest rated show on the CW in 2006/07, so technically in the top 10, but it’s tied with Reba and One Tree Hill and the CW only had (16) original programs that year, so it’s not boasting much. These numbers supposedly include Live + 7 day DVR watches, so those numbers really are not good, BUT: starting in January of 2007, the CW started releasing episodes online the day after they aired, so I’m willing to bet that large portions of their audience were still tuning in, just not tuning in in a way that could be tabulated by Neilsen at the time. 

It’s also interesting to note that for both season 1 and season 2, the real mythos/lore/arc episodes don’t really start until the midseason. In season 1, it’s not until episode 10, “Scarecrow,” where we’re introduced to Meg and the bigger stakes at hand for the Winchesters. Their search for their father starts ramping up and the show starts subtly shifting away from Finding Dad to Fighting The Boss Fight. 

Season 2 is pretty similar. Up until “Croatoan” (episode 9), the show has been about the fallout from John’s death. Finding the yellow-eyed-demon is certainly a driving factor, but it’s very much on the backburner. The show even makes a point to say, hey! Our guys don’t really have any leads, so it’s gonna take a while before we get back to this. 

I actually really appreciate that the show takes this much time to let the Winchester process their grief. Kripke and Co. have said numerous times that they realized the episodes that work best are the ones that really dig into the emotional journeys of the characters, so they just went ahead and made that the primary focus of the first half of the season. It gives weight to their loss at the beginning of the season - John’s death is not some throwaway plot point, it’s a real gut punch that our characters aren’t going to get over in a hurry. It also lends weight to the danger the brothers face in the future - John died immediately, who’s to say that won’t happen to Sam or Dean? 

I mean, sure buddy, but also...no one here is okay.

Not to mention, John’s deal with the yellow-eyed-demon (+ the events in “Crossroad Blues”) give us a subtle/not-so-subtle hint as to what’s waiting for us at the end of season 2. But we’re not there yet. 

Then we’re in “Croatoan” and reminded in full force what our guys are supposed to be fighting this season - not their crippling grief but rather a very present threat to their physical and spiritual well-being. That’s not to say we haven’t had a taste of the Sam-centric plotline that appears in “Croatoan”. BUT I’d argue that even though “Simon Said” deals with the Psychic Children, it’s still only a tease for what those children are capable of. “Croatoan” really drives home the threat from the yellow-eyed-demon, not just from his Psychic Children but also whatever nefarious plans that he’s been cooking for however-long. And it puts this threat front and center as a main quest for the back 13 of the season. 

Because of COURSE demon viruses come with their own dusting of sulfur.

Doing the math on this, it looks like SPN had a Front 9/Back 13 split? As in, they got picked up for the first 9 episodes of season 2 but weren’t sure they were going to get those final 13 episodes and that is...crazy? I have not seen any proof this is the case, but it is something to consider for a show that was on the edge of cancellation for this season and last season. It’s possible that the CW was treating all of its programming like they were pilot seasons since this was, essentially, CW’s pilot season, but again - I have no evidence other than this 9/13 split to prove it. 

Back to the show. Let me just say: I LOVE “Croatoan.” Any time anyone wants to make up a supernatural reason for an obscure historical mystery, I am ON. BOARD. And the Lost Colony of Roanoke is definitely one of my favorites. I STILL love this episode even though I can hear my friend whispering through the decades, ”The colonists just intermarried with the local native tribe, the Croatoans…” which is apparently actually the answer in real life. But demon viruses are fine, and particularly relevant in The Year of Our Troubles 2020. 

CROATOAAAAAAAAA!!!

What also works in “Croatoan” is the dynamics between the brothers that will play out for the rest of the season/series. The groundwork for their big fight at the end of this episode has already been laid in the beginning of the season. On the one hand, you have Dean, who’s lost so much at the hands of the yellow-eyed-demon he can’t stand to lose anymore, especially not his brother. On the other hand, Sam is becoming more like his father - ready and willing to sacrifice whatever needs to be sacrificed to defeat this thing, even if that means giving up his own life. Sam has the same motivation that Dean has but coming from a completely different direction. If his death will save his brother, then he’ll do it, no questions asked, just like John died to save Dean. Neither of the brothers are willing to lose the other and they will go on to make increasingly stupid, selfish decisions to make sure they won’t have to. Yes, I love this show, and I love Sam and Dean, but man they are DUMB BABIES. 

OOF.

So we get “Croatoan,” where we see the stakes at hand - the yellow-eyed-demon is out for World Destruction, not just Winchester Destruction. He may have plans for the Psychic Children, but his plans reach far beyond a bunch of 20YO with wacky powers. And when Sam gets infected with the demon virus (LOL, sulfur in the blood?????), he knows he’s a danger to others and is immediately ready to sacrifice his life to keep those around him safe. Dean goes on to prove that this is a line too far - he’ll keep others safe but if the choice is between killing his brother and anything else, he will literally choose anything else. Sam turns out to be fine in a mysterious kind of way, although the town clearly is not, and the boys ride off into the sunset. Then we get the cliffhanger - John told Dean something important that we will not find out until January. 

These dolly shots crack me right up.

If you’re watching this in real time, you wait a month for that cliff hanger to resolve itself in “Hunted”. If you are living in the era of streaming, you just skip the closing credits to find out what John said - “He said that I [Dean] had to save you...and that if I couldn't, I'd . . .That I'd have to kill you.” 

Are you ever just like, What the actual F*CK, John Winchester?

This is literally Dean’s worst nightmare - having to choose between duty and family. Sam understandably doesn’t take this well to start with, but like in “Croatoan”, he ultimately settles into the idea, which is...deeply upsetting??? 

“Hunted” does a lot of fun things - 

Number 1: We get more of the Psychic Children (because I REFUSE to call them the Special Children, sorrynotsorry). We see that there’s a range of Types, from Scott who definitely looks like a serial killer to Ava, who ultimately goes on to be the headmistress at a secret magic university (OMG, DO watch The Order cuz that shiz is GOLD.)

Seriously, if you liked Supernatural, you will like this show. 

Number 2: We get the return of Gordon, this time as a head-on antagonist. Do I like Gordon? No, I find him frustrating at best. But do I LOVE Gordon as an antagonist? Absolutely! He is smart, capable, and (at this point) wholly non-supernatural, Natural, if you will. He’s such a good foil to Sam and Dean and he’s the perfect villain for this moment. He sees the world in only black and white. To him, there’s no moral dilemma as to whether or not the Psychic Children are good or bad - they’re definitely bad and he’s here to stop/kill them. I think he’s an important catalyst for Dean too, since in both of Gordon’s episodes, Dean sees what he could be if it wasn’t for Sam’s influence. He doesn’t want to be like Gordon, so he needs to keep Sam around.

Number 3: Alright, this one isn’t so fun just cuz the final scene is a little sloppy, but Ava turns out to be a good catalyst for Sam. When Ava shows up on screen, she is clearly on Team Cool Kid. She’s totally normal, very Apple Pie, but she shows up to try and save Sam’s life simply because it’s a life that she can (hypothetically) save. She knows nothing about demons or curses or Chosen Ones, she just had a weird dream that gave her a weird feeling and then she acted on out of the goodness of her heart. It’s exactly what Sam does when his dreams kick it into high gear in season 1 (with mixed results). Sam hangs out with Ava, gets to know her, gives her the whole Truth is Out There speech and when she leaves, I actually really appreciate this character. She’s had a wild ride of a day and she is just taking this whole thing totally in stride. Good on you, Ava! 

Except, when we get to the end of the episode and Sam tries to check in on her, we find her fiancé with his throat cut, sulfur on the window sill, and Ava nowhere to be seen. Now I don’t remember what I thought the first time I saw this episode, but I don’t believe that Ava killedher fiancé. The show really seems to want me to believe that she killed her fiancé, though, indicating that no matter how cool she was at the beginning of the episode, it’s only a matter of time before all the Psychic Children “go darkside”, as Sam so strangely puts it. 

Anyone else this this was a weird line? I thought this was a weird line. 

And this is what pushes Sam’s arc through the rest of the season. Our next episode is “Playthings,” which feels like a monster-of-the-week episode where they squeeze in some unrelated emotional drama. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun episode, but SPN is usually better about tying their MotW eps into the emotional character arcs and this one is not as finessed. There’s a little more disconnect here. The important takeaway from “Playthings” is this: seeing Ava “kill” her fiancé convinces Sam that his father was right. Sam may need to be put down, and if that happens, he wants Dean to be the one to do it. Dean agrees, but we all know that he’s doing that just to appease Sam and that he’s still gonna do whatever it takes to save Sam, no matter the cost. Nothing gets resolved and this will definitely come back later. 

I mean, yeah that’s probably true.

Some things - 

First off: Sam seems to be perfectly OK with this and that...is not OK. 

Secondly, SAM?!? WHY would you put that on your brother?? 

Thirdly, DEAN! Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. 

FINALLY, and maybe most importantly, this is the best example I can think of to showcase a character’s greatest strength also being their greatest weakness. The Winchesters are about two things - fighting evil and taking care of family. Done in equal measure, these strengths make them heroic tropes. Taken to extreme situations? Well, now you have two humans wide open to failing at one of these things so bad that the apocalypse literally starts.

What these three episodes remind us, honestly what this whole season so far reminds us, is that Supernatural works because of relationships. The monsters and the mythology and the classic rock are there as a fun framework to get us interested in the show, but it’s the characters that keep us. That’s what viewers connect to. I really appreciate the arguments that Sam and Dean have with each other, starting at the end of season one and up until now in season 2. They feel very deeply rooted in character, not contrived for the sake of Drama. Neither of them is wrong, per se, but then neither of them is right, either. Their emotional backgrounds feel complex and grounded, foundations for real characters, not just the caricatures that you’d expect from a show about ghosts on a network aimed at the 18 - 24 demographic. 

See, THIS is the sort of fight you’d expect, not a fight where one brother is begging the other to literally kill him. 

And this is gonna be the hill that I’ll die on - characters and relationships are always the heart of any successful franchise. I mean, why else are there so many shipping wars out there? Why write fic if it isn’t to explore relationships and aspects of a character that the show doesn’t present? Sure it’s not the only reason to write fic, but I’d argue it’s a BIG reason. 

Because it’s not just the characters building relationships with each other, it's the audience building relationships with those characters (and to a lesser extent, with the world of the story). This is the core of any show that hopes to make it past season one and beyond, no matter the decade, the network, or the platform it airs on. We like stories about people with problems we can relate to. Dysfunctional family trouble? Check. Drama at work? Been there. Feeling like the world’s about to end any second? Oh yes. You can feel those problems deep down in your gut, even if the specifics are different. It doesn’t matter if those people are working in an office or a hospital or hunting down demons in the dead of night. If you can show us people, real people with something we can relate to on a gut level, that’s how you stay on the air for 15 seasons.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

alpha/beta are carol/daryl foils: an analysis no one asked for; twd s10 spoilers, obviously

hoo boy. okay, so i’ve been intending to write this for days, but i had to let it marinate, and also i haven’t been sleeping and couldn’t concentrate long enough to write it down, but whatever, i digress. “we are the end of the world” was something, wasn’t it?? it is so weird to have a plotline in twd that’s like...good? and SO refreshing to have a villain who isn’t a macho, rapey, white dude. i personally believe that all showrunners should be women from now on. oh, i’m digressing again, my apologies.

here’s the actual content, under the cut bc it’s a fucking novel:

so, from alpha’s very first episode, when i saw her shaving her head, i literally thought, “oh, so she’s carol’s foil and they’re going to have an inevitable showdown, huh?” guess who was right? this bitch. but what i didn’t catch right away was how beta is also daryl’s foil, and how the main focus of this season is alpha/beta vs carol/daryl.

let’s take it apart individually first, yeah?

carol vs. alpha:

like i said, the scene that made me instantly aware of what they were setting up was when alpha shaved her head. carol’s hair was a big thing in season 9, and the fact that we had just had henry talking about carol growing her hair out long, juxtaposed with alpha shaving hers off, is what set the alarm bells off for me. i have said over and over that i don’t believe kang does anything unintentionally, and girl loves her symbolism, so those two opposing scenes was a taste of what she was setting up.

carol and alpha are both near-indestructible forces who also happen to be mother’s suffering the loss of their children at the hand of the other. (carol isn’t directly responsible for lydia, but she’s included with “the others” that took lydia from alpha, so i think alpha still sees her as part of it.)

carol and alpha both have transformed themselves to fit within the confines of the world they currently live in, while recognizing that their children weren’t meant for it, even within their own grief. let us refer to figures a and b (lol) below.

figure a:

here in “the grove” we have creepy girl who i hate and am terrified of asking carol if sophia died because she was weak, and carol straight up is like, “yes.” she doesn’t even sugarcoat it. she accepted that her daughter wasn’t going to survive from the jump, because “there wasn’t a mean bone in her body.”

figure b:

here we see alpha losing her goddamn shit, because she’s having a come-to-jesus moment with beta about losing lydia, because she can’t have lydia and be the alpha at the same time, because lydia “is not like” her. 

conclusion: carol and alpha both mourn for their daughters, but have accepted that to be the people they need to be in the apocalypse, their children needed to die (or in lydia’s case, be dead metaphorically). in short, carol and alpha are two sides of the same coin. they’ve both found ways to survive, except one is for the good guys, and the other is for the bad guys, and now they’re head-to-head, and it is d e l i c i o u s.

moving on.

daryl vs beta:

idk why the parallels didn’t occur to me when they had daryl fighting beta. i blame henry, he was distracting me by being a delightful idiot (rip my dumb bitch), but that seed was planted in season 9, too. go kang for continuity. who knew twd could do that? anyway.

the big thing that compares daryl and beta is who they were before they found carol and alpha respectively. we obviously don’t know a whole lot of details about beta’s life, but we have enough to extrapolate and compare, and extrapolate and compare we shall.

alright, so we got our favorite lovable, filthy redneck, who grew up abused and isolated, and then here comes the apocalypse, and the only person he has left is his brother, and that’s what defines him until he loses him, both when rick chained him to a roof, and then again, after a brief relapse, when merle sacrificed himself. 

next we have beta, who again, our info is limited, but he does not become “beta” until after whoever that walker alpha puts down is gone. judging by the size, approximate age, and the closeness beta had to him, i’m betting on, you guessed it, his brother. 

observe:

figure a:

figure b:

these are both turning points for these men, where they Fully Become the dudes that we know. daryl couldn’t be the daryl we know and love until merle was gone for good, and whatever his actual name is couldn’t become beta until smiley face shirt guy was smooshed. 

(side note: how fucking rank does that t-shirt have to be by now? at least the mask dries out, but do you think that t-shirt is just like, melded into beta’s skin at this point? gross.)

so time for the fun part.

alpha/beta and caryl in season 10:

season 10 finds both duos in similar circumstances, by which i mean, alpha and carol are losing their minds, and beta and daryl are like, “uhhhh, you ok?” the men are these women’s confidants, their person, the one they trust and love above all others. carol saved daryl and brought him into a community, and alpha did the same thing with beta. you want more visual aides? well, sure thing, scout!

figure a:

we’re carylers, we already know carol’s the reason daryl has the confidence and self-esteem to become part of the group, but juxtapose this with the following pic, which i will label

figure b (again):

and you will see that alpha sees something in beta that no one else does. she sees this lonely, talented man, who’s adrift and in solitude, and she essentially calls dibs. sound familiar? inorite?

so daryl and beta are now loyal to a fault to their women, and this season already has them being wary of how they’re acting. yes, i have more pictures. i like taking screenshots, okay?

figure a:

one of the first scenes we get with caryl is daryl asking carol if she’s still thinking about alpha, and if she is Dwelling, which is interesting, because...

figure b:

...that’s exactly the same thing we get with alpha and beta. the first scene in “we are the end of the world” with the two of them in present day is him questioning her motives, and then later on he’s like, “fuck, are you Dwelling?” 

and both women immediately are like:

and neither dude knows wtf to do about this, because they’re used to the women being the strong ones. carol’s whole, “you’ve got to feel it, but not me, i’m good repressing, conceal don’t feel” thing, mixed with alpha’s, “we’re living like the dead and the dead don’t feel emotions so obviously I Am Fine” motto is what their boys are used to, but suddenly carol is hallucinating dead children, and alpha is making shrines, and our poor dudes are like, “plz stop???” esp bc they know these women are FUCKING TERRIFYING, and should never be left to their own devices if they’re being crazy crackers.

ergo, both men are clinging to the hope that they can bring the women back from the brink. my last visual aides, yes i know, how sad:

figure a:

figure b:

both scenes have these dudes reaching out to their women and essentially expressing, in their own way, “i’m worried about you, can you plz stay within eyesight at all times, ilu,” bc neither daryl nor beta is equipped to have a nice long sit down conversation about feelings, and obviously carol and alpha wouldn’t bother to entertain it in the first place, so like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. they tried. 

will it work? unlikely! because after that showdown at the end of both eps 1 and 2, these bitches ain’t about to stop for nothing. they just straight up made enemies for life, and they’re going straight harry potter with this shit, neither can live while the other survives, someone has to die, and while beta and daryl are not super on board with this whole “being bonkers and bent on revenge” thing, you better bet your ass that they’re going to make sure their woman is the winner, which means they automatically are paired up against one another as well.

so in a nutshell: we could have just stuck goatees on mmb and norman reedus, cast them as alpha and beta, and called them mirror!verse caryl (star trek reference, yay/nay?), because they’re mother fucking foils setting up for the mother fucking fight of the century, and oh my god, can you feel it in your bones how exciting it is that it’s not going to be a rick + negan dick measuring contest again? i am So Hype.

and ofc, as a hardcore caryl shipper, i obviously have to throw in that alpha and beta are totally in love (which is esp fun, bc whisperers aren’t supposed to feel love, uh oh, vulcan violation, yes i made another star trek reference, bite me), and if they are paralleling caryl, well...extrapolate from the evidence.

i love kang, you guys. i love how she tells a story. i love that she knows how to tell a story. this show is good again, and idk how she did it, but damnit, she did.

thus endeth my pointless critical analysis. forgive me. i was an english major and have absolutely no other use for my degree.

i’m ashamed too. 

that’s all. tomorrow is the early release of the caryl episode, i mean the new episode. looking forward to dying a valiant death with the lot of you. until then, friends.

deuces,

-diz

addendum: i was editing this, and was trying to think if there’s a parallel to the bracelet scene, and the only thing i could think of that alpha gives beta is his mask. she encourages him to take the face of his brother(?), and that keeps him grounded, which is interesting, bc my prediction for the bracelet is that it’s going to end up being a grounding device for carol when she’s dissociating. i don’t have a solid conclusion drawn there, but i thought i’d mention it before posting, just to plant the seed. 

k, done 4 real, bye

[memoriesofthefuckingbullshit]

I’d like to preface this with a personal note:

I do not want to write these posts. I absolutely hate that there is a need for it and it’s been chewing me up. It’s taken me the better part of a month to round up all the evidence (I had to be sure and double-check my sources) and to put this together, in bits and pieces so as to not overwhelm my own mental health. 

I loved the Underfell Fangame community. I briefly met Mania at ATLANTALE early 2018, before I even knew about the project. I became a patreon supporter because he seemed to genuinely love the community and Undertale and the game he was working on. I joined the Underfell community in March and made a second home there. 

I considered him a friend. Looked up to him as a fellow creator, game developer. A fellow community admin. And I thought it was really cool the way he did the whole community server events Ink vs. Error stuff. I loved the concept and have been passionately involved in it since its start over a year ago. I’m closely involved in the development of the comic series based on these server events, called Memories of the Multiverse War and have spent countless hours dedicated to expanding the world our comic takes place inside the Doodlesphere.

I have since learned much is a horrific farce. And I’m really unhappy about it. 

But if I don’t do or say something before I go I could never live with myself. 

There are so many victims already. And more than a few look up to me like their big sib. 

There are good ways to make the audience cry.

This is not one of them.

It hurts me knowing the other Event Masters put their heart and soul into creating fun content, intended for people to enjoy, while Mania twists their work into ways to torment people, and even drags them to emulate his behavior. How much more will get swept under the rug, if I don’t speak up? 

It boils down to: 

Mania knowingly emotionally abuses server members, most of whom are children between the ages of 13-19. 

He shows no remorse for it. 

Our Mental Health is a Joke to Him Part 1*  (xFrisk debacle; please take trigger warnings seriously) 

Our Mental Health is a Joke to Him Part 2  (Fallout from the xFrisk debacle)

Ink Was Never Going to Die  (He just liked fucking with us)

No, He Really Hasn’t Changed, And Won’t Be Anytime Soon*  (xPapyrus introduction, and all this matters)

*If this much reading overwhelms you, prioritize this post and starred pages above.

Important:

Event Masters are not the ones at fault here. They’re just doing as they’re told to play out the story Mania calls for, and probably do not even realize the impact their actions have on people since they’re told it’s all just for pretend. When they are aware, they’re under threat by Mania to keep quiet.

Abuse through role play is particularly insidious. Yes, the server events are a form of role play, by definition. Pretending to be a character, or otherwise assuming the role of as a way to interact with others is fundamentally role play. 

In terms of power balance, the server events are more like a D&D campaign than traditional online roleplay. We even have “Event Masters” to parallel the “Dungeon Master” who has nigh god-like power over what happens in the dice-based roleplaying game. 

There are dozens of articles about proper DM etiquette, and how to tell a uniquely engaging story to invoke high emotions in effective ways:

There's no shame in manipulating your players' emotions, because that's part of your job as a storyteller. But, like anything else, it requires a deft hand. Be mindful of how your players react, and be careful not to go too far. If anyone at the table starts to feel uncomfortable about the situation you're presenting, it can quickly start to take people out of the game. Be mindful of your players' limits, and give them the option of saying when something isn't going over well with them. But once you start to get the hang of it, you can turn a night of goofy dice-rolling over drinks into a tense situation, or provide a moving, emotionally honest moment for your characters.

In short: It was mere storytelling until the moment the characters reacted to and responded to the players. At that point, it is role playing and the concept of consent comes into play, because real people with real feelings are part of the story, which, curiously, is canonically enforced: 

And it’s it’s our fault for taking hurtful things that characters say and do personally?

Jerking player emotions around for laughs isn’t just an asshole thing to do; it’s straight up bad storytelling. 

There is no excuse for choosing abuse.

End of story.

I am hesitant to come forward with this, as I do not have evidence compiled other than the threat itself, and considering the nature of the issue there are privacy concerns regarding the victims. He has a tendency to target 17-19 year old girls, as a 28-year old. This was sent to me while playing minecraft while in server voice chat on June 16th, 2019. 

I’m including it because this is a perfect example of how he’ll backtrack and play upsetting things off like a joke. The threat has since been deleted so I’m glad I grabbed a screenshot while it existed. He has a habit of deleting things that could be used as evidence. 

hahahahahahaa no sir you do not get to drop a threat like that on someone and then play it off like a joke, particularly when “if you didn’t hear it doesn’t matter” 

It does matter. 

They matter.

All those kids are important. They matter and so do their feelings and all the grief they’ve experienced at your hands. The event may be more like a D&D campaign setting, in terms of balance of power, but this article does a great job breaking down the cycle of online roleplay abuse. 

Here’s an excerpt:  

Some people roleplay to heal their wounds, others play for fun or to escape. Any way you cut it, a good chunk of roleplayers have personal investment in their roleplay.

The human brain is a curious silly fickle sort of thing, a person who is capable of empathizing can empathize with anything that has human traits, be it a brave little toaster, a cartoon dog, a character in a book,crying at a movie, or screaming at the little man on playing sports ball on the television. People feel empathic sadness from witnessing sadness of others,people can feel empathic excitement by watching sports, in some cases to the point of violent outbreaks after their favorite sportsball team wins the big game.

Human beings are capable of immersing ourselves in the situation of others, and we are capable of feeling a wide variety of emotions as we endure the human experience of whatever we immerse ourselves in. This experience of emotional stimulation is not just a flaw in emotions or an inability to tell in character from out of character. Feeling this way does not make someone insane, weak, or flawed.

It is, in fact, a physiological chemical reaction in the human body. It’s chemistry, it’s oxytocin, it’s cortisol, it’s adrenaline, it’s dopamine, it’s serotonin, it’s estrogen, it’s testosterone, and who knows what else. When things happen in online roleplay we really feel it. (This is why consent is so important.)

In both roleplay and interpersonal interactions in online communities, and the feelings we feel when engaged in these things are real,are chemical, and they are not in our head.

Online community narcissists engage in their own flavor potentially insidious psychological abuse and manipulation, and it can cause real life distress, depression, anxiety, all in a situation where people are trying to escape, to relax, to have fun, and to heal wounds.

More importantly, this serves to validate the feelings of that the narcissist’s victims, be it ex-roleplay partner or a storyteller silenced.

You are not overreacting to a video game. Your pain is valid. The people you are interacting with on the other side of the screen are real; you are having real interpersonal interaction. The emotions you are experiencing are real chemical reactions in your body not a personal flaw. You are not crazy or stupid.

It is okay to cry about stupid online drama. It is okay to talk to your therapist if you have one. Know that even if you feel isolated and alone, even if you think everyone hates you. The truth is that outside of the narcissist’s circle, there is going to be people who do not even know of you let alone hate you, who do not care or believe the bullshit the narcissist tried to feed them.

—Credit to @zanpyr​. Thank you for this wonderful article.

Now. All of you, on the server, who’ve been subjected to all this fucking bullshit over the months or years you’ve been in the community: It’s not your fault. Your feelings and heartache are valid. You matter, and you deserve better than how we’re made to feel through this series of fucking bullshit. You’re not weak for caring about these characters; caring about characters is WHY we loved Undertale so much. You’re not stupid for getting hurt by someone you trusted and considered a friend. You can get through this and you’re gonna grow up and do great, okay? 

And any other adults who’ve been emotionally manipulated too: It’s not your fault. You’re no more at fault than the kids for falling for his tricks because guess what: you’re human and you have empathy. Those aren’t bad things. 

I know from personal experience that online interactions can be clinically traumatic, as in, diagnosable trauma response symptoms that should be taken seriously. I’ve already been talking people through their thoughts and feelings about this stuff and I recommend you do the same. Sorting out all the self-blame from guilt-tripping is important and if you have signs of trauma related to this event, please please please seek treatment even if it seems silly to be that affected by “a fucking discord event.” Gaslighting from any source messes with your perception of reality and doubting your ability to perceive the world can have lasting effects that topple like a domino effect. 

Once you’ve developed trauma response symptoms, you become more vulnerable to developing further symptoms by more common disturbing events. Don’t do like I did and let it go untreated for over a decade of accumulating traumas and Traumas. Many of you are already suffering with depression, anxiety, and existing trauma. The sooner you seek treatment the better. 

Outside Sources:

Quoted/Linked in Article: 

How To Manipulate Your Players (Into Having Emotions)

Wikipedia  - Gaslighting 

Abuse Through Online Roleplay 

Adventures In Random Roleplay: Safety/Consent Tools in Gaming

Additional Reading:

Lovebombing, Gaslighting, Benching, and Ghosting

Three of the Easiest Ways to Manipulate Someone

Gaslighting Definition, Techniques, and Signs of Being Gaslighted

Emotional Abuse in Non-Romantic Relationships

Signs an Abuser is Twisting Your Reality

Trauma: Big “T” and little “t”

20 Tips For Becoming A Better DM: Lessons Learned At The Table

One final addendum: 

As vindictive as I may feel after slogging through so many horrific conversations, I absolutely do not condone any attempts to actively harass him. Hold him accountable for his actions but do not send him hatemail, threats, or any other shit like that. He’s a fucked up human being but he’s still a human being and this whole effort has been to call attention to how much online interactions affect our mental mental health. Don’t do that shit to anyone, even if you think they deserve it. And don’t be a flying monkey, please.

Okay, that’s it. 

Stay safe everyone. 

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2019

i mean, everyone's doing these write-ups, right? might as well hop onto the bandwagon

towards the end of last year i had one of my typical existential crises about my media consumption: am i slowly disappearing up my own ass because i no longer care about most of the pop culture people like to discuss ad nauseam? but on the other hand, isn’t it more responsible to find the niche items made by non-mainstream and marginalized creators? on the third hand, wouldn’t i be much happier if i just watched FMA Brotherhood over and over again, preferably while starting a new Mass Effect playthrough at the same time?

the answer to all these questions is probably “yes,” but i decided to try something different going into 2019. for every week of the year, i would try to get through a year’s worth of content for some kind of media, be it comics, video games, TV, etc--they didn’t all have to be recent, or even new to me, but once i was done with that week i’d be done, even if i didn’t finish the content, and i’d make a judgement based what i’d seen on whether i want to continue. mostly, i was trying to avoid what happened to me with video games in 2018, when i was hating every second of playing Uncharted but still felt obligated to finish because everyone and their houseplant liked Uncharted or listlessly doing the Master Hunter achievement in RDR2 because the main quest made me miserable.

the actual outcomes of this Project(tm) are a little more complicated than anticipated--some media i could finish in a day, while trying to play through ALL THE CONTENT OF AN MMO understandably took much longer than a week--but it all kind of evened out. in the end i did 48 weeks of this, and used December as my catch-ups month to follow up on some things i didn’t get to finish. i thought i’d give my thoughts on each of the things i consumed this year as part of this project below in a concise manner--and yes, i know the people who’ve read even one (1) thing i’ve written are probably laughing right now, particularly given how long i took in this introduction just to get to me point, but i really am going to try!! it’s all an exercise in shameless self-indulgence, basically, but hey: if any of you want to chat at length about any of this stuff below, hit me up.

(quick note: you’ll only find media that i chose for this particular project below, so things i watched socially with friends--like certain film properties slorping me back into Disney’s gelatinous monolith--are not included)

Devilman Crybaby (anime, finished 1/5/2019): honestly i should have twigged onto what the year was going to be like when the first thing i drew from the metaphorical barrel was demon tiddies and apocalyptic existentialism. i was determined to dislike it for most of the year due to fundamentally disagreeing with its main thematic thrust, but i kept THINKING about it even months after. at this point i’ve kinda mellowed out. it’s definitely not a must love, but there’s enough queer metaphor and philosophical richness in it to make it worth checking out.

Attack on Titan (manga, 3 volumes finished 1/12/2019): this is the second time i’ve tried to get into this franchise and...yeah, no. i still don’t see the appeal. the fascistic overtones juxtaposed with absolutely no one having a sense of humor wigs me out to no end.

Young Justice (TV, 2.5 seasons finished 1/31/2019): honestly, what even is there to say? they’re my kids. they’re back and grown up and making even more terrible decisions. i screamed when i saw Babs in her wheelchair.

Black Leopard, Red Wolf (book, finished 2/10/2019): i tried VERY HARD to like this book, given how much i liked Brief History of Seven Killings, but it just...didn’t click for me. which honestly is fine, since i don’t think it was made for me either.

Dragon Age (3 games, finished 2/28/2019): i feel like there’s always a part of me that’s going to think of this series as “the other one,” but y’know. it’s good. it’s my second playthrough (as a mage for all three) and it’s good! i even went around killing all the dragons in Inquisition because Knight Enchanter was a blast. appreciate the higher queer content vis-a-vis Mass Effect, even though i couldn’t care less about any of the plot. Dragon Age II is the best one, do not @ me

Bitter Root (comic, 4 issues finished 3/1/2019): i love intergenerational dramas and i love stories about vampire slayers, so this was aces. my only complaint is the pacing was a little slow for a story that was going on hiatus after five issues.

Pearl (comic, 6 issues finished 3/3/2019): i know that he’s done great things and grudgingly admit that he’s probably a net positive in the industry but Brian Michael Bendis can suck my entire dick

Lazarus (comic, 5 trades finished 3/ 4/2019): i really thought this was going to clench the position for comic of the year. it’s Rucka doing Highly Relevant Dystopia! it’s a corporate Lannisters AU! it’s a highly personal story about a woman with high privilege and little agency! what more could you want

Immortal Hulk (comic, 2 trades finished 3/ 4/2019): i vibed with the horror feel, but i don’t honestly think it’s THAT exceptional. being set in 616-verse means there was still ton of baggage i didn’t know or care about, since i’ve now swung more to the DC side of things

thank u, next (album, finished 3/5/2019): didn’t Ariana Grande get canceled this year for some reason? oh well, i liked her album

When I Get Home (album, finished 3/13/2019): i vividly remember listening to this for the first time and feeling vaguely disappointed that it wasn’t more like Seat at the Table until i realized that i was covered in goosebumps. still don’t understand the magic but it is Good

The Bird King (book, finished 3/23/2019): pretty much everything you’d expect from a G. Willow Wilson book--spirituality, the female lead finding Themselves and the Answer and learning they’re the same thing, etc etc. i’m slightly resentful that her Wonder Woman was so lackluster while this was so good, but whatevs

Psychodrama (album, finished 3/29/2019): possibly my favorite album of the year? dense and emotionally raw in a way i really appreciate. Dave has a Mercury and he’s younger than me

Mass Effect (4 games, finished 4/7/2019): wow guys did you know that Mass Effect is good! it is. all of it is actually, even the Mass Effect 3 ending, another controversial finale to a big franchise that i will obstinately defend. even Andromeda, which isn’t AS good as the trilogy but still has a lot of heart. all its bugs have been exhaustively patched since launch anyway

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV, 4 seasons finished 5/13/2019): i’m...still kind of mad about this finale, but can’t exactly deny that this show is one of the best things to ever happen to me, or television probably. i didn’t even mind new!Greg that much! tho he was probably the nail on the coffin of me jumping onto the Nathaniel train.

Knights of the Old Republic/The Old Republic (3 games, finished 7/4/2019): did you guys know that KOTOR II was my first ever video game? i feel like that...explains a lot about me. anyway, the first game is a classic and the second is a deconstructive classic and playing either of them is basically a fun way for me to turn off my brain these days. even the MMO wasn’t as much of slog as i worried it would be. the Imperial Agent storyline had some nice surprises and i dig the general atmosphere of ruthless pragmatism and crushing loneliness.

Wanderers (book, finished 7/13/2019): Chuck Wendig is a very well-intentioned man in dire need of a strict editor. still good tho! some VERY punchy emotional bits and an ending that still leaves me with vague existential terror.

Code Geass (anime, 2 seasons finished 7/20/2019): i feel like this is on the polar opposite of the spectrum as Devilman Crybaby, because i don’t think Geass is GOOD on like, any basis, and i actually find its central moral message kind of abhorrent? but some part of my lizard brain LOVED the High Imperial Family Drama (it’s been a good year for me and Lannister types, hasn’t it? well, with the obvious exception of--never mind), so...yeah. have i discovered the true meaning of guilty pleasure

The Farewell (movie, finished 7/23/2019): how could i not a) watch this and b) love this and c) feel emotionally cold towards this at the same time because the situations depicted were so similar to mine that i ended up feeling kind of alienated

The Nickel Boys (book, finished 8/8/2019): i STILL haven’t read Underground Railroad, but here i am a book late and a dollar short to appreciate Whitehead’s new book. the man’s stylistic versatility is jaw-dropping and i appreciate the plotting in contrast to like, 90% of the litfic out there that’s just “protagonist sad in different milieu”

Durarara (anime, 2 seasons finished 8/31/2019): it’s fucking bonkers and i loved pretty much every second of it? even the second season, where i finally got the BruceNat AU i deserved??? the first anime i’ve seen where everyone was relatively soberly dressed. the answer was love and having feelings and asking your middle school best friend to hurl you like a projectile so you can chop your girlfriend’s head off with a demon katana

Lover (album, finished 9/1/2019): i feel like with all the Discourse surrounding Taylor Swift re: she’s the devil incarnate or re: she’s good, actually the fact that she makes fucking bops gets kind of lost in the conversation. i have no vested interest in her as a person but i liked Lover, even though London Boy was “what if Style but stupid”

Are You Listening (comic, finished 10/2/2019): my actual choice for best comic of the year if i were giving out awards like that. it’s coming of age! it’s grief! it’s queers! it’s trauma! it’s magical realism! it’s cats! it’s expressive gorgeous art! Tillie Walden has an Eisner and she’s younger than me

High School DxD (manga, 2 volumes finished 10/10/2019): i don’t even know how to talk about this series?? i actually kind of came around to the whole “main character is a perv but goes hard for consent” by the end of the second volume, but it’s still...bad. i only can have lingering conflicted feelings about one Japanese adaptation of Christian mythology per year

Ghosteen (album, finished 10/18/2019): much like Immortal Hulk i thought it was fine but over-hyped. it’s Nick Cave doing his Nick Cave ethereal music thing. i still can’t tell what any of the lyrics mean, except Jesus is there sometimes

Watchmen (TV, 2 episodes finished 10/29/2019): i am nOT FUCKING CAUGHT UP so please watch out for spoilers. it is on my high priority list of things to be caught up on tho--i appreciate that the plot is blatantly unsubtle but still manages to give me aneurysms and i appreciate the political overtones just kinda...balances on a razor thin wire and also gives me aneurysms. i wanna say i have no expectations and would be fine if it does a full dive into the horrible bland depths of the both-sides porridge, but i’m sadly a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof

Syllabus/Making Comics (2 comics, finished 12/24/2019): it’s funny--even before Making Comics came out i was like “man i miss Lynda Barry” and then BAM. it’s incredible how her work just makes me feel taken care of, even when we’re wrestling with tough topics or she’s demanding that i draw a Batman in 30 seconds. kudos for immediately shooting to the top of my gift list for my sister also

Allegiance/Choices of One (2 books, finished 12/24/2019): fun and largely inoffensive, but i was honestly hoping for more. the level of Empire apologia going on was too much for me, someone who thinks Mara Jade is the best Star Wars character of all time (still?????? still). it reeked a little of Zahn believing his own hype as the only valid guy in Star Wars Legends of whatever

Aldnoah.Zero (anime, 1 season finished 12/24/2019): turns out i also can only have “trash but my trash” feelings about one Japanese mecha show with higher art pretensions and patriotism verging into jingoism per year, and this one ain’t it. it’s not as good as Code Geass and Code Geass ISN’T GOOD. at least Geass attempted character complexity and moved at enough of a breakneck pace to distract me from its questionable bits. Aldnoah is just...bland, and nothing gets accomplished or revealed in 12 episodes, except the baffling and contradictory motivations of the main bad guy.

Baldur’s Gate (game, unfinished): yet again something i really wanted to like, given *gestures at all the BioWare above*. i think it’s mainly the Seinfeld issue, where it actually predates my own experience with video games and was so formative for the Western RPG genre that what was innovative just comes across as kind of staid now. i didn’t DISLIKE it, and will probably play the sequel since it’s supposed to be more character-driven, but by the time i finished the vanilla campaign i just didn’t have it in me to squint at more tiny avatars on the screen, so the expansions ended up a no-go.

most prominent thing i noticed about this list is that only one 2019 movie made it on the list and ZERO 2019 video games did so. the former i’m okay with because i currently live with two film people with whom i’m happy to tag along to the cinema. the latter bums me out a little more, because there WERE a few things i wanted to play this year, but all of them came out just as my semester was reaching its catastrophic boil, so i had no time. maybe i’ll use my free time after the New Year festivities to catch up on those.

to conclude: this worked out pretty well! i ended up finishing all but one of the things, and only a few were bad enough that i have no interest in seeking out more content. i’ll probably do this again in 2020--we’ll see if the scheduling can withstand a full year of grad school hell

[clumsybookworm18]

and my burden to bear is a love (i can’t carry anymore) | pt.3

Jossam + Ghost AU

Summary: Sam thinks she’s crazy and Josh is... Josh.

[Read on AO3], Moodboard, part 1 / 2 / 4

She shouldn’t have been surprised. Not when it came to Josh. And yet she couldn’t believe it. When people die, they tend to stay dead. These sorts of things didn’t happen. People did not see their dead friends. 

But there he was. 

Draped over her bed was Joshua Washington, a person who was officially declared dead (if the headless body was any indication), his black clothes a stark contrast with her ivory duvet.  

She didn’t know- couldn’t even begin to fathom what to say or do other than gawk at him. The pounding in her heart too distracting, along with some other emotion she didn’t want to make out. 

Josh angled his head, a half smile playing on his lips. “Dreadful etiquette, I apologize.”

He looked anything but sorry. 

“You’re here,” Sam heard herself say, far way, the words somehow coming out resigned and shocked- not processing she had spoken at all. She wasn’t entirely sure she was breathing either.  

“Hello to you too, Sammy.” 

She blinked. Then blinked once more. Nope, he was still there. 

What. The. Hell.

Josh raised an eyebrow. “Most people would consider staring rude, ya kn-”

Without thinking, she hurled at him the first thing at her reach. Which turned out to be her diary. 

Josh let out a curse, ducking in vain as it flew through him. Both of them watched as it landed with a muffled thump on the plush carpet. 

He turned to look at her, muttering, “Pacifist my ass.” Though his face was serious, something like amusement glinted in his eyes. “Is this going to be a thing now? You throwing something at me every time I scare you?”

No no no no no. This wasn’t happening. She must’ve fallen asleep and was dreaming right now. She was having some kind of fever dream. Yup. That was totally it. There absolutely wasn’t a dead person sitting on the foot of her bed. Nope. 

Looking to avoid the presence in front of her, Sam threw the covers off her and got up, walking over to where her diary had landed. As she bent to pick it up, out of the corner of her eye she saw Josh smoothly sit up, bracing his hands on his thighs, watching her. Always watching her. Like he used to do. 

A shiver went through her. It was just the cold. Nothing else. 

That's what happens when you leave the comfort of your blanket burrito to step into a freezing room.

Sam closed her eyes and took a single deep breath, trying not to let the eeriness of it rattle her (keyword being trying), before turning to face him. “You’re not real.”

Josh snorted. “Oh, I’m real alright,” he said, and- yep, that was definitely amusement glittering in those eyes. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for one of you fuckers to finally see me?” 

“No,” she refuted, shaking her head. “This is just my subconscious showing me what I want to see. Or don’t, more specifically.” 

He gave her a lazy grin that once would’ve made her heart flutter. “I’m flattered Sammy. Really. But no imaginary doppelganger of mine can have my wit and charm-”

“And can’t be as aggravating as you,” she said dryly. “You know what? I’m actually inclined to believe this is all true. You haven’t been here five minutes and you’re already getting on my nerves.”

Josh put a hand to his chest. “Aw Sammy, you wound me. After all those late night talks we had together.” 

She glared at him. 

Josh stalked towards her, stopping less than a foot away, and she could’ve sworn a whisper of warmth grazed her skin. “What? Did you actually think you were crazy talking to a voice inside your head?” He gave her a knowing smirk. “Oh honey, you’re not delusional, trust me.”

Flashes of them in the mines raced through her mind, clamping down on her heart. Josh muttering to himself. Mike hitting him. Sam asking for the cable car key. Josh giving it to her. Their last conversation (she’d lost count of how many times she’s replayed it in her mind). The last time she saw him, alive and bleeding. 

She didn’t even say goodbye.

Fiercely shoving the memories away, Sam refrained from curling her fingers around the chain that rested around her neck, curling them into fists instead. She didn’t miss how his eyes flickered down to her hands as if he knew, but didn’t comment on it.

Wise move.

“How?” She demanded. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

He shrugged. “Never said I wasn’t.” 

Her blood chilled at his words- ignoring the doubt churning beneath her skin, trying to untangle the certainty of what she’d known all along but kept pushing into the back of her mind, like every irrational thought. She took a few steps back, putting some much needed space between them. For her sake.

“You mean to tell me... that the voice I’ve been hearing all this time was a vestige of you and not my imagination,” she said, not entirely a question.

Josh smirked. “What do you think?”

“So all those terrible wisecracks and irritating quips… that was you?”

“I’m pretty sure you mispronounced the word genius.”

A short, incredulous laugh escaped her. “This is insane. I’m fucking insane.”

“No, you’re not,” Josh said flatly.

“I have to be, otherwise I’m talking to a ghost.” Which, as far as she was concerned, were only supposed to haunt graveyards and old houses, not a tired twenty year old. 

He lifted a hand as if he were going to touch her but stopped when Sam yielded a step. Josh’s mouth tightened, hurt flickering in his eyes. “Sam, listen to me. I’m real. This is happening.”

“You can’t be here,” she insisted. “You can’t.” 

“Yet here I am. Standing right in front of you. Talking to you,” he said, crossing his arms. “You know it. You can feel it. You have for a while. Admit it.”

“You can be a brain tumor, for all I know,” she snapped, making way to get away from him. 

Josh’s moved swiftly, snarling softly and blocking her path. “You weren’t this upset when I was a faceless voice ‘inside your head’ but now I’m a problem?” 

Sam ignored him, stepping around him and walking away. 

Josh didn’t let her get far, immediately materializing in front of her. “Is it that hard for you to even look at me?”

This time she didn’t even bother trying to pass by him, but strode right through him instead which seemed to piss him off the whole more. She wasn’t going to make this easy for him. 

Sam jolted at the feel of something cold sliding over her neck. She whirled to him, a hand rising to the back of her neck. “Stop that!” 

“Then stop being so stubborn,” he said simply, any leftover amusement fading from his face. 

She debated on throwing the diary to his face again, but knowing her luck, the ruckus it would cause wouldn’t be worth it and she’d probably end up waking her mother. And Sam really wasn’t in the mood to explain why she was up at two in the morning arguing like a lunatic with a ghost- hallucination- fuck. Jury’s still out. “What do you want from me?”

Josh crossed his arms. “What I want is for you to stop freaking out and talk to me.”

“How can you expect me to be calm about this,” she hissed, motioning a hand in his direction.  

“Considering the situation we were in the last time we saw each other, Samantha, you could at least look happy to see me.”

Sam stiffened. The last thing she needed was a reminder of what happened down at the mines. “I don’t want you here.” 

“Tough shit.” he snapped, coming closer, making it harder to ignore the warmth seeping off from him. “You think I enjoy watching you wallow around everyday, mourning my sisters? The past?” The Me? went unspoken between them but the look in her eyes told him she heard it altogether. “Fading away, day after day, watching as your grief and despair eat you alive. Literally.” 

Sam didn’t answer him but if he wasn’t already dead, she would’ve killed him with the glare she sent his way. 

“Whether you hate me or love me, you’re stuck with me,” Josh went on, not balking from that hazel gaze. His eyes were clearer now, more focused. “But I’m also stuck with you. So you see, kind of a lose-lose situation.” 

She watched him for a heartbeat longer before asking, “So what? I’m supposed to be ecstatic you’re here to make my life a living hell? Haunt me for the rest of my miserable days?”

His face darkened. “Is that what you think?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me given all your yapping.” 

“You didn’t seem to mind during our nightly tête-à-têtes.” 

“Prick.” 

Josh let out a wry, low laugh, looking her over. “As for whatever reason you’re seeing me…” he trailed off, bringing a hand up to his jaw. “Well, it makes sense, of course, since you have been the only one that’s been talking back to me- that could hear me in the first place.” A corner of his mouth lifted. “We had a…” 

Connection. 

Sam scoffed. 

“Right,” she said, drawing the word out. 

She was definitely sleep deprived. 

Josh watched her walk over to her bed, furiously stuffing some pillows under her arms. He raised an eyebrow. “...What are you doing?”

“Going over to my mom’s room,” she said, not looking at him, “I need to think, and you’re obviously not gonna leave anytime soon...”

He leans against the wall, frowning. “What makes you think I won’t follow you?”

“You won’t,” Sam says, and almost laughs at the sureness of her tone. If tonight has taught her anything, is that she doesn’t know jack-shit. She could already feel a headache forming.

What a mess. 

Once she’s in front of her mom’s door, she lets out a shuddering breath, looking back to make sure there was no other presence but her own. Her heartbeat slows when her eyes find nothing.

Careful not to wake her mom, Sam climbs into the fluffy bed, the sheets warm and welcoming. As she drifts off, she hears his voice like a whisper in the wind,

 “Night Sammy.”

[crackspines]

The Replacement was five seconds away from earning a bullet in-between his ears.

It was going to happen in the middle of the Warehouse District in an industrial building with nothing but dirt, dust, and one couch from the 70s in the middle of the floor. On the far end of the building, there was a short man with a grey beard, shoes with bells on them, and a nightcap. Jason, crouched behind the couch, had followed the strangely dressed man all the way from uptown where he blew up a red sedan.

With, apparently, nothing but his mind.

As if on cue, an explosion sounded with a bang and a puff of smoke just three feet from where Jason took cover. Red Hood could hear the villain giggling as soon as his ears cleared.

“Oh, my mind’s a dangerous thing,” he said. “Oh, yes, you’ll find that it can do just about anything.”

Jason debated telling him that it wasn’t rhyming if you used the same word when Tim landed next to him.

“Get the hell out of here, Red,” Jason snarled as he took a shot from behind the decrepit couch.

“I thought you might want my help,” Red Robin said, eyes not leaving their opponent. He was all business, no emotion today.

Today and every other day of his life, Jason thought.

And just like every other day of Jason’s life, the sight of Tim Drake sent waves of rage, confusion, and the ever-present regret shooting through his body. It started at the toes and went all the way up to his head, coloring his ears under the helmet.

“Now we’re talking,” the villain screeched, looking hungrily at Jason. “Your desire: my command.”

That’s when everything went a bit pear-shaped. The very fabric of the reality in front of the boys--warehouse, dirt, couch--starts to shift and bulge like the contents of a lava lamp. Before Jason could reach for Tim and make a hasty retreat, the warehouse, Tim, and everything was gone. Instead, he stood in the dead center of the Wayne Manor kitchen, the smell of cookies baking invading his nose.

“What did you do,” he snarled, diving towards the small man with the strange outfit, still standing in front of him.

To Red Hood’s surprise, he went right through the pyrotechnic like he was made of nothing more than a dense fog. The momentum sent Jason crashing into the oak cabinets Alfred spent countless hours upkeeping. Or, it would’ve, if Jason himself hadn’t passed right through them, a spector just like the other man.

It was enough to rattle the vigilante.

“What did you do to me?” Jason got slowly to his feet, trying to grab various objects off the counter with no success. “I’m not dead. I know dead, and this isn’t it.”

“Of course you aren’t dead, silly,” he said. “Cupio wouldn’t grant that wish. It entirely lacks originality.”

Jason got a name for this particular crazy out of that little snippet, but the rest made absolutely no sense. What did wishes and originality have to do with the two of them, standing in a less-than-corporeal form in Wayne kitchen?

Before the Red Hood could question Cupio further or beat it out of him, Jason Todd walked through the kitchen door and everything just stopped.

The breath froze in Jason’s lungs as he watched himself, looking about the age he had when the Joker blew him to smithereens. The younger Jason laughed about something, turning back to look at the door as Alfred, looking just as old as every, and Bruce walked through. The latter held a large cake in his hands, fingers brushing against the frosting. Two candles shaped like a one and a six sat on the cake.

“You guys realize this is ridiculous, right?” Young-Jason asked, propping himself against the counter. “Normal kids don’t get a two-week vacation and a gala-sized party for their birthday.”

“Turning sixteen is special, Master Jason. You’re on the cusp of adulthood,” Alfred said as he directed Bruce towards the proper spot to drop the multiple layered cake.

“Besides,” Bruce said, sucking the frosting off his fingers. “Dick can’t disappear from San Francisco for two weeks. This party is more for him than you.”

“Master Richard would feel neglectful in his duties as your big brother if he didn’t get to make a big fuss about your birthday,” Alfred agreed.

All three of them continued to talk about party arrangements and packing as they walked back through the oak door, voices fading down the hallway. The older Jason Todd looked on, eyes wide and feeling like his chest was on fire from heart-ache and holding his breath.

None of it made any sense. Jason died at fifteen. This wasn’t his past, so what was he looking at?

“Getting it now?” Cupio asked.

“No, you freak,” Jason growled. “Whatever this is...fix it.”

Wagging a finger at the enraged superhero, Cupio said, “But I just have! Don’t you recognize your own deepest, darkest desires when they’re looking you back in the face?”

“I….” That brought Jason up short.

“Guess I’ll have to spoon feed it to you, then.” And then Cupio snapped his fingers, and the kitchen fell away, leaving them standing on a rooftop, the night dark around them.

Sirens sounded in the distance, and Jason could smell a faint air of chemicals and city musk in the air. A drunk below them danced around in the street, singing merrily and only stopping to take a couple more swigs from a hidden flask.

If Jason needed any more verification that they were still in Gotham, Batman, Robin, and Nightwing chose that moment to swing by. Batman hung by as Young-Jason, now in uniform, whooped and raced his older brother.

“Not a bad way to say good-bye to fifteen, huh, Robin?” Nightwing said, the air stealing the world before anyone besides the superhero party and their invisible voyeurs could hear.

“Better than wearing a monkey suit and dancing around to Alfred’s classical music!” Robin shouted, cutting off Nightwing and landing on a rooftop just past where Jason was standing.

“Focus, you two,” Batman said, his voice as gruff as Jason remembered it. But underneath the coarseness, there was a spark of humor and affection. Hearing it made Jason want to hit something. Or maybe just sit down for a little while.

Turning back towards Cupio, Red Hood said, “This can’t be real.”

“Oh, but it is,” he said. “One snap of these fingers, and you never went to Ethiopia. You and Bruce were never separated. Your family is whole, and you get to be Robin again.”

“Sounds nice and simple,” Jason said mockingly. “If this really is my second chance, why am I floating around like Ebenezer Scrooge?”

“I’m a nice guy, Jason.” He shrugged. “I’m giving you a taste. Say the word, and I’ll shove your consciousness back into your 16-year-old body.”

Jason knew it wasn’t real, that it couldn’t last. The universe didn’t just give second chances like this--real second chances, not like the dip in the Lazarus pit Jason received. That was one gift he wished he could return to sender.

Still, he couldn’t help but watch the dynamic trio hungrily as they settled in for what looked like a surveillance job. Batman put a casual, fatherly hand on Robin’s shoulder, and a couple of roofs over, a shudder went through Jason’s body.

“Yep, almost everyone’s a lot better off without you dead. Batman never has to lose a son and cut himself off emotionally. Dick gets the chance to be a good big brother with you, his original little wing. Alfred, poor man, will probably live an additional ten years without the stress and grief of having to bury you.”  

Part of Jason took issue with Cupio’s condescending tone. The other-- “Almost everyone?”

An arched eyebrow. “There are always casualties in war. You should know; you’re one of them.”

A harsh, Gotham breeze blew past them, and Jason crossed his arms over his chest. Cupio rolled his eyes.

“Wanna read the fine print? Have it your way.”

Before Jason could stop him, the villain snapped those unholy fingers, and the world lurched again. This time, they only moved a few rooftops over, but the shift still sent Jason’s stomach into a fit. He reached out, resting against a rough, worn brick wall while panting and trying not to lose his cheeseburger dinner.

“Man, you’ve got to stop doing that,” Jason said, regaining his composure.

Cupio said nothing, just whistled cheerfully. This gave Jason enough time to inspect his surroundings. The rooftop was just like many others in Gotham. Cigarettes and other, less pleasant, trash, littered the corners. There was an entrance to the building below that was so rusted, Jason doubted it’d been used in this millennia.

It wasn’t until the vigilante saw all these things that he finally noticed the small boy crouched in the dark, watching Batman and Robin with a kind of rapture that was all too familiar.

“What the hell?” Jason muttered, walking closely to the edge of the roof where the boy was tucked.

Dark hair, fair skin, and blue eyes made the little boy very distinctive. And Jason did mean “little.” He couldn’t have been more than twelve-years-old. Much too young to be wandering around Gotham’s seething underbelly with nothing more than an expensive camera wrapped around his neck and a tiny notebook in his pocket.

The boy snapped a few pictures of the superheroes, and then studious scribbled on an unused page in his notebook. The writing was extremely detail-oriented, and it was a little creepy coming from a little kid. This was detective’s work, not just the ramblings of a fanboy turned stalker.

As soon as that thought faded out of his mind, the boy’s features finally became familiar, and Jason breathed in sharply through his nose.

“This can’t be--”

“Timothy Drake? Future robin? Your replacement?” Cupio said gleefully. He tapped a finger to his chin. “Though I guess he’s just Timothy Drake now.”

“Haha, very funny,” Jason said. “I get it. Little Timmy never gets to replace me as Robin. Very sad. I’m sure his parents can buy him a new dream.”

“I’m sure you’re right.”

But there was something in his voice that Jason didn’t like. It was a little too bland and a little too smug. “What else?”

That seemed to surprise Cupio. “I’m giving you an out here, kid. Take the plausible deniability.”  

“I want to see it all.”

Those words caused Jason to witness the most pathetic day he had ever seen. When little Timmy was done spying on his heroes, they followed him back to the Drake Estate, watching as he climbed up a moss-covered wall and into his bedroom window.

Jason scoffed. “Where are his parents?”

“Out of the country for the next month. They’ll be back for the next Drake charity ball.”

He didn’t know quite what to say to that, so he kept his mouth shut.

Settling into his role as a spectator, he watched Tim Drake wake up after a few hours and eat breakfast by himself at a table seated for twelve. The small boy then grabbed his book bag and walked to the nearest bus stop, head turned down and gazing at his notes from last night. Not even the sudden lurches of the bus and the patrons could drag the boy’s attention away.

Though the Tim Jason knew was quite the know-it-all, little Timmy didn’t raise his hand once during class, staring hard at one of the many books he had stashed in his bag. While in the halls, he didn’t stop to talk to any friends. When a couple of bigger boys shoved him out of their way and into a locker, he didn’t so much as make eye contact.

When Tim got home that afternoon, there was a message waiting for him on the answering machine. Letting his bag slide to the floor, he pushed a couple of buttons until his mother’s voice could be heard.

“Timothy, our trip has been extended a couple of weeks. Mrs. Mac will come by a couple of times during the week to clean and restock the pantry. Don’t forget to keep up with your studies.”

There was a click, and then silence in the room. Then, to Jason’s surprise, Tim plays the recording again. And again. And again. Just when Jason thinks his ears are about to bleed, Tim hit the save button and heads up the stairs to his room.

Before turning off his night-light, the boy shrugs into too-big pajamas and fishes something from underneath his pillow. For a moment, Jason thinks it’s a worn and torn piece of paper. Maybe his algebra notes, but when he gets closer, he realizes the kid is staring at a photograph. One of Batman and Robin.

Both heroes are sitting atop a building in downtown Gotham, legs hanging over the side. Jason remembers the moment. He’s animatedly telling Bruce about this project he’s been assigned in history class, and his adoptive father is smiling, hanging on his every word.

Tim smoothes a hand over the crinkled picture and then slides it back under his pillow.

“Ok,” Jason said to Cupio, anger threaded through his voice. “I’ve seen enough. This is just pathetic.”

To the vigilante’s great surprise, the kid on the bed jumps a mile, eyes going wide and darting around the room. “Is… is someone there?”

Jason whirled around on Cupio. His boots probably would have scuffed the hardwood, if he’d been corporeal. “I thought they couldn’t hear us?”

“Seemed like you wanted a more interactive experience.”

The next moment, Jason was a solid as he could ever remember being. Running a hand down his body, he could feel the stiffness of the leather under the pads of his fingers.

When he looked up from himself, little Timmy’s wide eyes were training on him. The kid looked like he was about to keel over. Raising his hands in the universal sign for “I come in peace,” Jason said, “Er, you probably don’t know who I am, but I swear I’m not here to hurt you.”

Before he had even finished his sentence, the little urchin was out of bed and standing right in front of him. “Of course I know who you are! You’re Robin!” A little shadow fell over his small features. “Oops.”

“Yeah, oops,” Jason said, but he was smiling despite himself.

The answering smile Tim gave him was timid. “You look different, though. Older. Are you from the future?”

Yeah, Jason was definitely starting to see how little Timmy would turn into the Red Robin he knew and resented.

“Kind of,” the older man said. “It’s kind of just...a glance...at a possible outcome.”

Little Timmy cocked his head, and Jason sighed. “I guess I’m getting to choose to be Robin or...not,” he said.

“But you have to be Robin,” Timmy cried, and the outburst startled his quasi older brother. “You’re a hero!” A blush rose in his cheeks. “You’re my hero.”

Maybe it was horrible of him, but at that moment, Jason had never hated Tim more.

“Okay, okay,” Jason said, herding the boy back into his bed. “That’s enough excitement for one night.”

He pulled the covers up over Timmy’s body, and the boy stared and him with unblinking eyes. “You’re not gonna give up Robin, right?”

Instead of answering, he looked back at where Cupio was standing, hidden from the child’s view. “A little help here.”

The other man snapped his fingers wordlessly. Instead of changing locals, Timmy’s head fell against his plush, expensive pillows, and his breathing evened out.

When Jason stood up from the bed, Cupio let out a low whistle. “That was rough. Told you to leave well enough alone.”

Barely feeling his head thunk back against the drywall in the bedroom, Jason let out a breath. He still wanted it. More than anything. He wanted to feel like he had a family again. He wanted all the mistakes of his past to be erased. More than anything, he wanted to go home to Bruce.

And that was fair, wasn’t it? One mistake and he has to pay for it for the rest of his life? Maybe he’s paid enough, given enough. He’s earned this one little chunk of happiness.

“How about this,” Cupio said, interrupting his thoughts. “I’ll shove you back in your sixteen-year-old body without any memories of this little exercise. You’ll never meet Tim Drake. The only timeline you’ll know is the one you’ll make after tonight.”

So easy. Like the universe was actually giving him a real second chance. All he had to do was take it.

Feeling like his heart was being put through a blender, he gave Cupio his answer. The other man smiled and snapped his fingers a final time and then everything around Jason disappeared.

<center>_____</center>

“Jason?” A familiar voice said, worry laced through every letter. “Jason, wake up.”

The Red Hood opened his eyes and stared up at Tim Drake. The teenager fluttered over him, checking vitals and trying to get a straight answer out of the other man. Both were caked in dirt and dust from the warehouse floor.

“You just disappeared for a moment,” Red Robin said. “The villain too. Did he teleport you somewhere? Are you hurt?”

“Teleport,” Jason croaked, his throat feeling like he’d gone a week without water. “He gone?”

Red Robin nodded, handing him a flask with electrolyte infused water inside. Jason took it gratefully.

“Where did he take you?”

Swallowing down the rest of the water, Jason shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m just glad to be back.” Then, to Tim Drake’s immense surprise, Jason Todd smiled at him, eye crinkling behind his domino mask. “This is where I belong.”

Read more of my stuff here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackspines/pseuds/crackspines

[thedistantstorm]

Phoenix Protocol 25

Zavala x Awoken Female Warlock | Mid/Post Forsaken | Slowburn | Gratuitous Descriptions of Light | Self-Confidence/Self-Worth Issues | Redemption

When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

[This amazing art was done for my by the ever-so-lovely @crazy-bone-lady and I’ve been waiting months for this chapter to officially share it with you all!]

Previously

-/

They walk hand in hand to the hangar. There is no one around to see, not even the Shipwright at his hour. Though, if there was, based on how tight their fingers are locked together, Miyu doesn’t doubt for a second that he would not pull his hand away.

“You better keep a close eye on her,” Adelaide is saying over their heads to Tamashii. “I want frequent updates.”

“She sounds like you,” Miyu says, with a tilt of her head in Zavala’s direction. His lips pull up into a wan smile, but it doesn’t stay for long. Her lips purse, and her eyes spark in response. “Don’t look sad, Anata. It isn’t forever.”

“I know,” He intones gravely. “The uncertainty is… I am not partial to it.”

“I’ll check in when I can,” She promises, nudging him gently with her hip. “Maybe even send you a geode or two to use as a paperweight for your office. I’ve read that the rocks there don’t match anything we have in our database.”

“Whatever you’d like,” He says indulgently. “So long as you return safe.”

“I promise.”

Zavala sighs. “It isn’t one you can make, Miyu. I have heard how the curse fares. I am not so naive to think that you won’t see any trouble.”

“Yes, well,” She places her left hand, the one not locked with his, over her heart. “I will make every effort to return safe and sound. Will you accept that promise instead?”

“Yes,” The Commander says, as they approach her ship’s dock. “I’ll hold you to it.”

The Warlock smiles. “Please do.” They stand, looking at the ship for a few moments before Tamashii drifts down in front of the Commander, dipping his rounded cones in the approximation of a nod.

“Tamashii,” Zavala says carefully, his eyes meeting the other being’s cyan optic. “Keep her safe.”

“Always.”

“He will,” Miyu chimes, looking to him as well. “Make one last check for me, please?”

The Ghost bobs again in the affirmative before zipping away. Adelaide takes the opportunity to zip into Miyu’s chest, persisting even after thunking against the hard chestplate that’s woven into her robes. “You better be careful, you hear me? If something happens, I’ll never forgive you!” Zavala huffs at his Ghost’s antics, half amused, half sad.

Delicate fingers come around the white Ghost shell to cradle Addy gently, bring her up to eye-level. “I will return,” She says in the most serious tone she can muster. Her eyes are hard and bright, like white fire. “Keep an eye on Zavala for me as well, please.”

“That’s my job. You know I will,” The Ghost replies easily.

“And-”

“I know,” She interrupts, grousing, “I’ll make sure he takes breaks and doesn’t forget to sleep every once in a while.”

“Arigatou, Addy.” She brings the little Light close to her, pressing her lips to the top of her shell. “I’ll see you soon.”

“You better!” The Ghost taps her cheek gently before spinning around to her Guardian and executing a quick transmat. “I’ll see you when you get back,” She chirps to her Guardian’s partner, shimmering away in motes of Light.

Then, they’re alone. Miyu ducks her head when Zavala takes a step in her direction, gingerly offering her the box his Ghost has swiftly managed to transmat into his hands. “For you,” He says, gently.

“Zavala,” She murmurs sadly, looking up into his eyes. They are so bright and warm, despite being such a cool blue. She bites her lip. “You shouldn’t-”

“I was going to commission a sword,” He tells her, with a bittersweet smile, “But it seems Paladin Rior beat me to it.” The box is flat black and not unlike a jewelry box, but larger. Her hands shake from something besides nerve damage for a change.

“Oh,” She says, vision swimming as she opens it. “Zavala, this is-” She looks up at him, blinking through tears. “It’s beautiful.”

“Do you like it?” He asks, his voice trembling just a touch and she sniffles, laughing. As if that were an actual option.

It is a stunning crimson red, intricate silken cording embellished with a traditional knot and tassels. An homage to the past, and a nod to the future. Their future. Her mouth splits wide into a brilliant smile. “It’s gorgeous,” She says, voice strained with the effort of staving off her tears. “I love it.”

“I am glad,” He grins back at her. “I was worried that it might be too forward, however-”

“Absolutely not,” She interjects, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him hard. There’s something urgent to it, as if she’ll never have enough time to express her thanks. He holds her close and presses his lips to hers slowly, savoring the moment and committing it to memory, forcing her to melt into it. It doesn’t surprise him when her tears are back with a vengeance. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” She whispers, when he pulls back to look down at her, those glowing eyes of his fond. Swiping at her cheeks, she continues, voice watery, “I didn’t want to make you sad.”

“It’s alright,” He admits, his hands moving to her cheeks and thumbing the rest of the moisture away. “You’re beautiful even when you cry.” She huffs, trying not to cry harder at the compliment, and he smiles and hugs her again, plucking the case from her hands as he does so. “May I?”

She nods into his chest plate before stepping back. “Please.”

It’s a perfect fit, the tassels swaying gently with the draft in the Hangar, the intricate knot almost flower-like from afar. “It suits you,” He whispers, stepping back to admire it on her arm.

She leans forward to kiss him again, but this time it’s chaste. “I can’t thank you enough,” She says in a trembling whisper, embracing him tightly once more. “This is it, huh?” She says, taking a deep breath and sighing when she lets it go. She wipes away the last of her tears and sets her jaw with a nod.

“I believe in you,” He says, chest puffed proudly. “You can do this. You’re stronger than you think, Anata. I cannot wait to see all that you learn.”

Miyu straightens her back and stands tall. “I will,” She agrees, before looking in the direction of the ship. Outside, the sun is beginning to rise, and though they could say their goodbyes for days, she knows she has to take that first step into the unknown. Her lower lip trembles. “Thank you,” She whispers against his ear, crossing the distance between them one last time. “For loving me enough to let me go.”

She does not see him cry, and it's likely he does not, but she feels him tremble all the same. When they draw back from each other, both have glossy eyes and somber smiles on their faces. “Itte kimasu,” Miyu tips her head to him.

“Itterasshai, Miyu. Ai shitemasu yo.”

Zavala lingers only as long as it takes for her ship to clear the Hangar. Adelaide appears beside him in a show of support, hovering just close enough to nudge his cheek every few steps. They make the walk back to command alone.

-/

The pastel beauty of the Dreaming City is not lost on her, despite the Taken miasma oozing from cracks and crevices, seeking to coalesce in the air. Miyu kills three Knights and a handful of Acolytes with her new blade before one of the Corsairs assists with a knife through a thrall's skull.

“Welcome, Cousin,” The woman says, and though Miyu cannot see her face, her seriousness bleeds into her tone. “Nice sword.”

“Thanks,” She calls back, breathing heavy. “Nice knifework.”

The two fall into step rather cordially, but it isn't completely unpleasant. “I'll take you to Petra,” The Corsair advises, giving her a glowing eyed once-over. Her scrutiny is apparent. “What're you here for, anyway? Weapons? Glory?”

Miyu smiles softly. It gives the Queen's servant pause. “A way forward, Cousin.”

The Corsair thumps Miyu on the back. “Well, shit,” She manages around a hearty chuckle. Her posture relaxes. Perhaps this one might not be so bad. “Aren't we all.”

-/

End Notes (A smol, non-professional lesson in Japanese):

Itte kimasu: literally translated to English means “I’m leaving and I will come back.” it’s a common phrase used when someone leaves.

Itterasshai: the response to itte kimasu, meaning “Go and come back safely,” and wishes the person leaving safe travel and return.

Ai shitemasu yo: this is the supremely formal way of expressing love. So much so that it’s rarely used, and even more rare to be stated so formally (and even less likely so to be said by a man to a woman). In picking this phrase for Zavala to say this chapter, I did a lot of research, but ultimately decided that he was the brave sort who would be implicit in expressing his emotions, and he’d find it poetic to be so serious about it.

Other phrases I’ve used before include: Oyasumi nasai (good night), arigatou (thank you), anata (beloved/dearest/dear), yamete kudasi (stop it, please), and of course, Tama no hikari - Tamashi’s nickname - literally translates into ‘jewel of light.’  I think I’ve missed a couple in there, but if you have any questions, just let me know. I’m not fluent in Japanese, but I’ve watched a lot of anime (no that’s no the same thing, but it’s enough to spark my interest in this language). On the flip side, if you notice anything off, please tell me. 

[hirazuki]

I’m going to try and summarize what bothers me about VLD from as objective a standpoint as possible. A lot of people, including myself, have already made posts pointing out specific issues, especially with regards to the messages it sends to abuse victims, so I’m not going to touch on that or any type of emotional issues here at all. I’m going to skip specifics except where needed as examples, and just talk about the nature of story telling itself. As someone who not only has used fiction for escapism, but who has studied story telling both in terms of literary analysis of novels and of religious texts, it’s a subject that I feel very strongly about.

Warning: long ass post.

Okay, a couple of disclaimers first.

One, I am a firm believer in the “don’t like, don’t read” mentality. If I don’t like something, I don’t talk about it, I just move on. Y’all have never seen a single discourse post about The Dragon Prince, right? Yup, that’s ‘cause I really didn’t like it. It goes for countless other things too. I don’t expend time and effort and energy on things I don’t like, that’s just wasteful. So, why am I harping on VLD? Because I really enjoyed it, despite a couple of what I felt were minor issues at the time, for most of its run. That’s why I -- and I imagine the same goes for many other fans -- am so bitter.

Two, I came late into the Voltron universe. I joined in a couple of days before s6 dropped, and only watched DotU as well as the other Western versions in the past couple of months. Haven’t had a chance to see the original Japanese anime yet.

Three, I’m not a shipper, in general. I don’t ship anything in VLD except Zarkon/Honerva. Romance/sexual stuff is just not my thing, I’ll take swords and explosions any day over that. So my saltiness regarding the series has nothing to do with ships.

Alright, so I think my major gripes with the series can be sorted into three categories:

1. Inconsistency of Story Type:

This is, of course, my own opinion, but through my time of consuming fiction, I think there are three types of stories:

Good vs. Evil: the most basic type of story. The good guys are good, the bad guys are bad, and everyone stays well in their lanes. Think Disney movies, typical Saturday morning cartoons -- the heroes are exemplary of good traits, the villains are one-dimensional and unrepentant, evil for the sake of being evil. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this story type imo, and there are several stories of this nature that I really do enjoy.   

Grey Morality: a much more nuanced take on the concepts of good and evil, right and wrong. Due to the very nature of grey morality, there are varying degrees to which this can be implemented. Probably the most common one I’ve seen is where the heroes do some bad/questionable things, the villains/antagonists do some good things or have the right motives or are “noble” in some way; but overall, there is a sense that there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed, certainly by the heroes but also sometimes by the villains/antagonists too. An excellent example of this is Firefly. Another example, that puts a total twist on it by having the protagonist also be the “villain,” is Death Note -- even though the story resolves in a way that to the audience is, really, the only sustainable way possible, it still leaves neither the characters in-show nor the audience with any sense of victory. This concept is taken to the extreme by a series like Tenpou Ibun: Ayakashi Ayashi, where no one is right and no one is wrong, but at the same time everyone is right and wrong, and simply just human. There is no good and no evil, just context, circumstances, and choices. 

Combination: this type of story starts with the Good vs. Evil dichotomy but, as the story progresses and the protagonist becomes more acquainted and involved with their environment, both the protagonist and the audience come to understand that the picture is actually much more complicated than that, and it evolves into Grey Morality. Bleach is a great example. We start with seeing the Hollow as evil, mindless monsters that need to be killed; we learn that they are actually human spirits that have transformed into “monsters” through pain and grief and, therefore, we pity them but also understand that it’s a mercy to put them down; we then find out that, actually, not all are mindless and they have a complicated society and culture of their own; and, eventually, come to accept them as (reluctant) allies against a bigger threat, understanding that they are creatures in their own right. 

From the moment that Keith -- arguably the character within the main cast that had the most time/character development spent on him -- was revealed as being half-Galra (that is, half the “evil” race of the show), VLD promised to be that third type of story. Because there is no way that the writers would make one of their protagonists evil by default because of his blood in a kids’ show, duh, so by logical conclusion this means that that race is not all evil, after all. This was further emphasized by Lotor’s introduction to the plot -- a severe departure from his character in any previous incarnation -- and cemented by the episode, “The Legend Begins,” where we finally get to see the other side of things and the fact that not even Zarkon and Haggar were “born evil,” as well.

After the Keith reveal, we got shocked reactions from his teammates, notably and understandably Allura; got only an apology from her and not the rest for their treatment of him (which could have been better but, whatever, it was a step in the right direction, great!); and then... back to a weird strained relationship in working alongside Galra without another word on the subject.

Okay. Fine.

Then we get Lotor -- again, some of that initial resentment/treatment could be understandable to some extent, and eventually on the road towards, seemingly, genuine acceptance. Cool.

I won’t go into details about the colony episode, because that’s been done to death already, but, woah, major setback there. Back to the knee-jerk reaction of treating individuals of a race as complicit and responsible for the actions and perception of that race as perpetuated by a handful of individuals. And then -- flash forward to s8 -- we are welcoming Galra allies in our cause! Please join our Coalition! We want to help you!

Look. I’m not saying that you can’t retcon stuff; that you can’t go Good vs. Evil, develop into Grey Morality, and then reveal something and BOOM, jk, it was Good vs. Evil all along, gotcha! I’m sure that there is an author somewhere out there that has pulled that off effectively (I can’t think of any examples myself right now, but I’m sure it must exist somewhere).

I am saying that if you’re going to do that -- if you are going to pull the rug out from under everyone’s feet and sacrifice some crucial character development (and crucial characters themselves, let’s be honest) -- you better have a DAMN GOOD IN-UNIVERSE reason for doing so. And no, shock value or getting rid of a character because they were overshadowing the protags doesn’t count. Otherwise, your protagonists will look like giant jerks. Unless, of course, that’s what you’re going for, but I highly doubt that was the thinking here.

And then, we proceed to flip flop between “I knew it, the Galra are irredeemably evil, what’s wrong with these people?!” (I think Hunk -- HUNK, by far the most empathetic character -- said this at some point in s7?) and “Here, we can work together towards a brighter future” or some shit. You can’t do that. I mean you can, but you’re gonna get major backlash from your audience. Pick a fucking direction and stick with it.

For the past three seasons, it has really felt like the story line is being pulled into two different directions: 1) staying true to the original source material of Paladins = good, Galra/Drule = bad, and 2) providing the viewers with a groundbreaking, nuanced interpretation. 

My dudes. You can’t have both. Trying to implement both of these approaches means having morally grey, nuanced characters operating within a narrative framework that is subject to an overarching principle of a strict Good/Evil dichotomy. Do you know how fucking hard that is to pull off effectively without diving headfirst into the pitfall of punishing your morally grey characters by default, simply because they happen to exist in a universe that cannot, by nature, support them???? I can think of only a handful of authors that have managed that and, I would argue, that the man at the top of the list only managed to be so effective and influential because what he wrote was, in essence, a mythology. Mythologies have a totally different set of concerns surrounding them. And even then, he went to great lengths, both in his works and outside of them in discussions/interviews, to note that the “evil” in his world could never have happened without it intentionally being part of the larger cosmological design, i.e. balance. I’m talking, of course, about Tolkien. 

Why the fuck would you attempt to pull something like this off in a kids’ cartoon?! Avatar: The Last Airbender, since everyone loves that comparison, was defined by a black/white view that developed into a very simple grey morality, and it was this limited scope that allowed it to be presented so effectively. None of this sashaying back and forth. 

Especially when this flip flopping is done for le dramatic effect/shock value, with seemingly no good in-story reason?? Of course it’s gonna fall flat.

2. Concept vs. Execution:

This is probably what drives me crazy the most about VLD. 

As an idea, it was fucking brilliant -- anyone who has watched DotU, even with all the nostalgia, I imagine, can admit that it was very much a cut and dry 80s cartoon, with simple concerns; Vehicle Voltron attempted some nuances, but the Lion Voltron part of the show, which was by far the more popular part, was pretty stiff in that regard. VLD took that and introduced themes like: being biracial (Keith, Lotor, etc.), having to choose between duty and family (Krolia), having to choose between personal dreams and important relationships (Shiro), having to overcome deep-seated understandable prejudice and work with people you never thought you could come to stand for a greater cause and through that see that not everything is black and white and attain a greater understanding of the world (Allura), leaving home and learning to survive in a totally foreign environment in the worst circumstances possible (the paladins), dealing with disability, mental illness/ptsd while also dealing with issues of being in a position of leadership/power (Shiro), parental abuse (Lotor), substance abuse (Honerva and Zarkon), being a clone and coming to terms with that (Shiro/Kuron), learning to compromise and sacrifice personal integrity/morals for the betterment/survival of those you have made yourself responsible for (the paladins), and so much more than that. Lotor’s relationship with Honerva/Haggar had serious undertones of both Mother and Child symbolism, as well as Arthurian legend. The whole quintessence thing drew pointers from ancient and medieval concepts of alchemy.

The inclusion of any of these things, injected into a pretty straightforward and tame original source material like DotU, was inspired. What an absolutely fantastic take, with incredible potential.

... and it was the shoddiest, shittiest implementation and execution of any concepts that I have ever seen. Like... how? How did they manage to not be able to successfully see any of these themes to a close, and to actually offend the vast majority of their fanbase (regardless of background, age, race, sexuality, literally from all walks of life) by the way these themes were handled???? 

I’m sure time restraints, direction from above, etc., played a big part in it, but still. If you don’t have time to properly develop the interpersonal relationships between the core members of your main group of characters -- to the point that, say, Keith and Pidge? Hunk and Shiro? Did they ever properly, truly have any meaningful interactions? -- there’s no way you could properly handle all of this.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew. 

Also? As stories are being fleshed out, they and their characters tend to take on a life of their own. The Lotor/Keith parallels? I totally believe and understand how it’s possible that it was unintentional. But when that happens, you go back and rework the rest of your plot to make sense with what you now have before you. You adjust and adapt. You don’t barrel on ahead headless and not acknowledging it, and you don’t force your characters into straitjackets just because you want to doggedly follow this one idea.    

3. The Female Lead: 

Let me begin by saying that I really, really wanted to like Allura, and the way she was written was one of the biggest turn offs and disappointments for me. I won’t go into specifics regarding her, as there many posts that already address the problematic nature of how she treats people of her race vs. anyone Galra, but I will just look at her character development as a whole.

Perhaps the easiest way for me to voice my frustrations here would be with a comparison. Let’s look at my favorite female protagonist of all time, Nakajima Youko, from Juuni Kokuki (aka. The Twelve Kindgoms).

Youko starts off as a very meek high school girl, from a typical modern Japanese family. Class representative, top grades, is scared of conflict and wants to live up to everyone’s expectations of her, which makes her very submissive, a total coward emotionally, mentally, and physically. She seeks to please everyone and, as a result, harms her own development by never giving any thought to her own desires and ends up bullied by everyone around her. Magic happens, shit goes down, and she is whisked away to a different world that is parallel to our own, along with two friends from school; ripped from her home, her family, with absolutely no way back. This other world has a different language, people who end up in there from our world are treated like garbage and are slaves, has a medieval level of tech/advancement, and Youko with her friends has to figure out how to survive. She finds out she is actually queen of one of the realms in this world, which makes her a target of various groups. She is betrayed by literally everyone around her, everyone she places her trust in, including the two friends that got transported to this world with her. 

She goes from meek and mild to bloodthirsty and brash; lashing out at everyone around her, plotting to kill those that offer her a helping hand, becoming unreasonably suspicious and racist and way out of line. Understandably so, but the narrative doesn’t, for one moment, present this as okay. Some more stuff happens and she finally snaps out of it, comes to a couple of realizations, and has major character development. She develops the attitude that, yes, people have betrayed and hurt her, but their actions towards her and their opinion of her is none of her business. It will not stop her from acting in ways that are in line with her own morals; if people choose to betray and use her, that’s on them. She will simply do what she must, and treat everyone as an individual according to their actions. This doesn’t mean that she adopts a pushover mentality -- it just means that she loses her knee-jerk reaction, and doesn’t rush to conclusions. She becomes a badass warrior and queen, strong and just, and, frankly, one of the most well-developed female characters I have ever seen.

Do I think this is the only way to write a strong female character? Of course not. But I’m convinced this is what the writers wanted to do with Allura, this kind of progression and path, from being angry, lost, and alone to being a confident, capable, magnificent ruler. And, imo, they totally missed the mark.

I think that the writers were so focused on giving us a “strong” modern female character, and getting as far away from her DotU damsel in distress depiction as possible, that they ended up writing her as, basically, a bully. Sure, they tell us -- both through other characters’ words in the show and through interviews -- about her diplomacy, peaceful nature, leadership quality, open-mindedness, etc., but they never show it to us. In almost every key moment in the series, she has been written to be combative and suffering from tunnel-vision.   

And a huge part of this is that they simply didn’t give her any room to grow. Youko’s character started off at maybe... 5% of her potential? She was honestly so “weak,” I thought about dropping the series. But by the point the anime ended (because the story itself is unfinished and unlikely to continue, unfortunately), I’d say she’s at around 70%. That makes for an extremely dramatic, fulfilling, and believable character development. The VLD writers started Allura off much higher than that. Too high. From the get-go she’s a highly accomplished martial artist, has incredible physical strength due to her Altean heritage, a seemingly natural affinity for leadership and for appealing to people, she’s very attractive, well spoken, had a loving and supportive family, is a princess, had a brilliant alchemist for a father, has access to the universe’s greatest super weapon -- I mean, yes, she’s had to deal with immense loss and grief and come to terms with it in a very short period of time, and lost her father a second time so to speak with Alfor’s AI -- but overall, everything has been set up and handed to her in a nice package. Other than overcoming her hatred towards the Galra and idealization of Altea/Alteans, really, there’s nothing left for her to do that would be defining for her character.

That’s not to say that characters that are extremely accomplished from the start are a bad thing. But in their case, their emotional and mental development and maturity is that much more important, because that’s all that’s left to work with. The writers didn’t really give Allura any significant room to grow in terms of any of that. (And no, I don’t consider her new alchemical powers from Oriande as her growing; she expended no effort for that, it wasn’t really a trial at all for her; it was like me playing a video game on casual mode with the “killallenemies” console command enabled). Her overcoming her racism towards the Galra, beginning with Keith and BoM and continuing to do so with subsequent Galra allies, had a TON of potential and I had been so excited to see where it would go; but that fell flat, totally forgotten by the story.

In contrast, you have Lotor -- we see him struggling to claw his way out of the hand that fate has dealt him, to grow beyond his family’s influence and abuse. Both on and off screen, even described by his own enemies in great detail, we see just how much he has had to fight and to earn everything he has and he is, even things that shouldn’t have to be “earned” in the first place. He’s lost Daibazaal and Altea, both his father and his mother, he’s too Galra for anyone who’s not and not nearly enough Galra for anyone who is. Literally nothing has been handed to him. The juxtaposition between him and Allura, had Allura been given more breathing room by the writers, could have been fantastic and I would have shipped the hell out of it, like I do in DotU. She’s had everything he’s ever wanted (loving family, supportive father, Alfor himself, exploration, alchemy), etc.; envy would have been extremely appropriate on his part, and very interesting to work through, but that was never explored either.

So, I feel like what ended up happening was that a huge imbalance in how these two characters came across was created, made only more evident when their relationship with each other was what was front and center. And, at least for me, this is what makes me completely unable to see Allura’s side of things, and I freely admit it -- I simply don’t understand her or her actions, because I don’t feel like I’ve been shown enough of her inner workings as a character to be able to care about her in the slightest. I can definitely see where the writers were going with her, or where they thought they were going. But unless they actually meant for the character that is, for all intents and purposes, their female lead to be a  racist, abusive, immature person playing at being an adult and at being the leader of a coalition spanning galaxies, who has no problem condemning millions of lives to death and devastation at a whim of her emotions because they are Valid™, and who wades dangerously close to “Mary Sue” territory many times due the way the narrative frames her... then all I see on screen is an unfinished character. Unfinished, because the writers didn’t take any opportunities in the narrative for the flaws and issues she does have to be addressed and overcome, opportunities of which there were plenty! I absolutely don’t mind that she has flaws -- flawed heroes are amazing. But, you gotta do something about them, i.e. address them and work through them. Otherwise your heroes remain static in a plot that is evolving and that’s not a good look.

And, you know, I honestly think DotU Allura is a much stronger female character. She works for everything she gets. She works her ass off. She has to fight to not only be allowed to be part of the team and fly a lion, but even just to do everyday common things like be out in the fields or swim or whatever; forget practicing martial arts. Coran literally ties her up at one point to prevent her from participating. Nanny is a constant battle for her. Over everything, from her clothes to her manner of speaking to where she’s going. But she doesn’t stop, she doesn’t give up. And she fucks up, BIG TIME, several times, she does TONS of stupid shit. But she learns, acknowledges it, gets called out on it, tries again, and keeps on trying. DotU Allura’s biggest battles, in my mind, aren’t with Lotor or the Drule forces or Zarkon, but with her own team and those she considers family, and her struggle for the others’ acceptance of herself and her skills within the group. And for that, she is a much stronger, more solid female character than VLD Allura, despite all superficial appearances and frilly pink dresses and 80s voice acting.

Again, like I said in a previous post, I don’t conform to the view that creators owe their fans anything. Write things however the fuck you want. You want to kill Allura off, fine. Do away with Lotor too? Cool. I completely understand people who want happy endings in fiction because, it’s true, reality fucking sucks; there are several fictional works I turn to whenever real life is too much. And I would be lying if I said that I don’t crave stories where characters like Lotor are given happy endings; of course I want my favorite characters to be okay. But overall, I’m the type of person who, as long as things make for an effective, compelling narrative, I’ll be content with it, regardless of whether the ending is tragic or happy or anything in between. 

So you want to kill off your morally grey character and your female lead, who is also one of the only women on the team, who is also a princess figure, who has also been completely visually redesigned in such a way that you know women of color will relate to her? That’s fine by me, go right ahead. But do so in a way that is meaningful and makes sense within the larger narrative you created, and isn’t some empty, sensationalist gesture. 

And also be aware of your fanbase. This is a reboot -- that comes with certain expectations attached, as a number of the viewers will very likely be fans of the old series, watching out of curiosity, nostalgia, etc. Expectations like, the princess lives, the heroes aren’t assholes, etc. (and I’m referring to expectations from DotU and other Western iterations, rather than the original Japanese series). You don’t have to conform to these expectations -- personally, I’m a big fan of tropes being subverted -- but you need to be aware of them. You need to know the rules before you break them, and if you break them, you better break them damn well.

Imo, VLD ultimately failed to deliver on these fronts, and pretty much fell prey to what a lot of series do -- it couldn’t handle the shift from being primarily episodic in nature (i.e., each episode is self-contained, with a clear beginning, middle, and end, while operating under a distant general goal, like defeating Zarkon; so, s1 and s2) to becoming a more complex narrative unraveling a hidden agenda (s3 onwards). Kind of like how the paladins made no provisions for how they would handle things after Zarkon’s defeat, it feels like the writers didn’t really have one solid plan for how to develop past that point as well.

tl;dr: Whoever is responsible for the way VLD turned out should write a book: how to offend your entire audience in eight seasons or less.

[emergences-blog1]

Festering Anger

Do you have anger festering inside you? What is your process of digesting anger? We are a culture that has suppressed our anger and it seethes out of us at the most inopportune time. We cannot continue to ignore our negative feelings and put on a façade that all is rainbows and unicorns when in fact it is not. Pretending to be what we are not creates a deep fragmentation and separation of our soul essence from our psyche. I have worked for years with people and observed first hand this energetic confliction between the outside mask and the deeper inner turmoil. I can feel emotion, very specifically the darker and heavier ones this is why my work is so centered on transmuting lower frequency energy into higher frequency energy; teaching others how to take off the mask so they more clearly see their true nature is part of that process. Before learning to discern my ability to feel so particularly others emotional body it was incredibly confusing to listen to someone talk with a smile on their face but feel an oozing of anger, despair or suffering. I openly share myself with the world so others can see firsthand that it is okay to be broken, damaged, or whatever unsavory thing we consider ourselves in that moment. What happens when we cloak our true nature is eventually we forget and all the things we covered up and pushed down move out of our conscious awareness until triggered by usually an outside source. Now we are consumed with shame and guilt about this unsavory explosion of deeply repressed anger aka grief, loss, and heartache. We live in a time and society that has for years tried to use analytical approaches to emotional problems. No matter how much we try to analyze our emotions it WILL not shift the frequency of them, we can reflect on our emotions but we must follow up our reflections with a process. Talking about our feelings absolutely can help us process what we are experiencing, but to harness the emotions takes more than talking. I first hand had the experience of working in an inpatient psychiatric hospital for years and watched the talk and medication process; for years I watched the same people return back to the same system. This was fundamental in my studies because I got to see firsthand, these people are not healing they are barely surviving; they are returning back year after year with same the same shit. Why? There is a deeper process needed, and all those who have worked in this field and can be honest about the cycle of returning clients would tell you the same. Now we all have different needs to address different things, but universally the underlining first step is actually to feel our emotions. Only when we make space to actually feel without judgment or analytics can we more clearly discern what the fuck is driving the train on a core level. Often our true nature is hostile with anger because you’ve come across shit ass people who have walked all over you and you didn’t have the skill set to set healthy boundaries and stop the cycle of abuse. Our true nature often reveals we have a deep desire to be our eccentric selves but society, our family and friends have made us feel that is not socially acceptable to not align with the norm. People do wild things when in a state of fear, and we my friends live a large part of our existence in fear. Our defense systems are larger than life, cutting our own throats by sabotaging any chances of having close connections. Our egos over developed to survive the kill or by killed mind set ingrained even in our big body religions. Our lineages have been killed for simply believing differently than another, wars raging people dying all because they were different. Fucking Wild what we as humans have experienced and continue to experience. Anger, fear, loss, grief what do we doooooo with it. We cannot possibly continue to think medicating whether with pills or drugs (all the same) is enough to heal the deeper core issues. Not to say medicine doesn’t have its place and means to help with so much, but it is a sliver of what is needed to get to the core. If you are numbing and suppressing it will ooze out and most likely on those closest to you. You may find yourself screaming at your children for being children, flipping out on your partner just because they are the first face you see after a day of slaving for the cooperate man, kicking your dog because he had to go pee and no one was around to let him out. When you read this it certainly will bring up a memory for you and be followed with shame or guilt which is incredibly uncomfortable. Be compassionate with yourself, we humans have had a hard go and we lack very necessary coping skills and purification processes to assist us in digesting life experiences. For those of you who know me, you have seen firsthand how powerful my commitment to exploring other processes has changed me. I once was a very dark, broken and fragmented being. And as CRAZY as some people find me now, it is simply because I freed myself from the norm and structures that continued cycles of old paradigms. Damn right I sought out the ancient wisdoms of our world in hopes not only to heal myself but the collective force of the human race. Sweat lodges, Buddhist temples, wailing ceremonies, tantric breathing practices, past life regressions, a hundred million types of yoga, religious scriptural studies, prayer in all forms, ritual bathing , fire circles, sacred rites of many different cultures, sound therapy, energy work and this will never stop for me because the shit is working. I dance, scream, cry, chant, pray and I am guided deeper into a universal knowing. My time in deep darkness has been a great gift of wisdom and my return to the light a great gift of grace. Darkness has a deep wisdom, when we observe it we can learn from it parts of our nature, the history of our race and how we have become what we see in the world. When we can look at our dark parts we can learn to work towards combining these forces light and dark to work in harmony for our greater good. Light and dark create this world. Contemplate this, we cannot see in total darkness nor can we see in total light. In the night the moon provides light, in the day the sun cast shadows. When in balance we see both aspects and we learn from both aspects. Sat Nam my beautiful beings- Angelic 333