#like okay so you can emotionally neglect ME for the first 18 years of my life

[clowndensation]

crazy how much you can resent your parents for asking literally anything of you tbh.

[electroniccollectiondonut]

Turns out when I said "later post" in the tags of my last post in meant immediately. SO here are my unabridged, unorganized thoughts on the Thelyss bros. Under the cut because I have so much to say about these two and it's a crime that their relationship is portrayed so little in fanfic.

First of all I think they're very close in age. like Irish twins close (Irish twins is when two siblings are born within 12 months or less of each other), or at least the elvish equivalent. Basically Verin was an accident baby while Essek was still in a cradle.

Verin is a paladin of the Luxon for several reasons. Reason 1: Echo Knight is a cool af class but I already know the details for paladin. Reason 2: I think it's funny to imagine Essek offering to teach him this cool new spell he invented and Verin is just like nah I already got this. Reason 3: I'm in love with the idea of the juxtaposition between Essek, who thinks the Luxon as a religion is absolute bullshit, and Verin, who has faith enough to draw his magic from it.

Actually a lot of what gets me about these two is the differences between them. They're different in almost every way but they still care about each other over just about anyone else.

Specifically Verin's paladin oath is the Oath of the Watcher. I think he also has some levels in Horizon Walker ranger because those two subcalsses are perfect for the commander of Bazzoxan.

Their childhood was not the best. Based on how much of myself I can see in him in canon and how much of my younger sibling I see in what little we have of Verin, I'm gonna make an educated guess and say Deirta was emotionally and mentally abusive and somewhat neglectful at best and somewhat physically abusive at worst. They are both very aware that she's not a good parent. They love her anyway, and it tears them up inside.

WOW typing that out makes me feel vulnerable as hell don't you love it when you can project onto a character so much that you give them all of your exact mommy issues.

Verin, while canonically the himbo of the family, is only the himbo in a relative sense. He's very athletic, has a high emotional intelligence, is not as smart as the people surrounding him, and has very few ambitions, be they political or otherwise.

However. Not as smart as Essek "23 INT" Thelyss is very very different from being dumb. Verin is a brilliant strategist and he's far from stupid in other respects. If I was making up stats I'd put his INT at 14, which is still above average (average being 10-11).

Now, about that emotional intelligence: we know Essek does great in a political setting but flounders in friendly social interaction. Verin does not have the same problem. He does alright in political situations, but he's amazing with people. He knows all of his soldiers by name and assignment and he knows the important things in his ranking officers' lives and his second-in-command's kids call him uncle.

Essek is good with people too, but in the lying and manipulating them sense moreso than the caring and talking to them sense. (if we're talking stats, Verin's base CHA is at probably an 18 to Essek's 15 but Essek has proficiency in deception and persuasion)

I LIKE TO KNOW CHARACTERS STATS OKAY

Their dad is.... a whole can of worms that they mostly just don't talk about. They're mostly past that at this point. Or at least they pretend to be.

If (aka when) their father gets reborn and finishes anamnesis, they're both going to be extremely fucked up over it.

When Essek got himself reassigned to Eiselcross, Verin did too. He'll be damned if his brother is going to go to a freaky arctic research base by himself. That's why the soldier the M9 talk to in 131 says Essek instead of the Shadowhand.

Speaking of Shadowhand, Verin thinks Essek's job is sketchy as fuck but he's been not saying anything about it for like 20 years and he's not about to start now. Conversely, Essek thinks Verin's job sounds fucking terrifying, but he's not going to say anything either.

Essek came up with the floating partially because Verin got taller than him, except that he didn't expect Verin to keep growing so Verin is still taller. He's a solid five foot ten whereas Essek is five foot six floating and five foot two standing.

They're codependent both because of the traumatic environment they were raised in and because I think codependent sibling headcanons are the shit.

Okay thats.... enough for now I think? I have many more headcanons but I need to go to bed now and if I put this in my drafts I'll forget all about it so

[uncloseted]

Recently I've been seeing some tiktoks from people who are apparently "against adoption". I don't really go into their profiles to see what they mean exactly and what they think we should do with children in foster care. They always say that "no one is entitled to another person's baby". At the risk of sounding insensitive, it looks like most of them were adopted and had a bad experience with it and probably resent their birth parents for "abandoning" them. But I don't really know.

I also know that there are some problems with the adoption system in America, but I'm not extremely familiar with it because I don't live there. Please tell me if you need more information and I'll look for it

Honestly, you have no idea how much I've wanted someone to ask my opinion on this 😂 TikTok has been trying to feed me these videos, too, and I have very strong feelings about them. I've been wondering if the fact that TikTok is a Chinese company has something to do with why anti-adoption TikToks keep getting promoted, since China is one of the most common countries that the US adopts from.

I think you're probably right in your assessment that a lot of the very vocal anti-adoption people on social media are people who were adopted themselves and have unresolved trauma around it. Many of them seem like they're not really in a place emotionally where they can imagine experiences of adoption that aren't like their own, or situations in which adoption might be logistically necessary.

That said, there are some serious problems with how we approach adoption in the US, and those problems are important to talk about. So first let's go over some of the issues that the adoption system in the US has, and then we can talk about some potential solutions to those issues and why being totally anti-adoption doesn't really make sense.

What Does Adoption Look Like in the US?

To start, let's go over what adoption actually looks like in the US. The US has an unusually high rate of adoptions- about 3 adoptions per live birth, in contrast to countries like Sweden and Norway (1.1 per 100 live births) and Australia (0.2 per 100 live births). Approximately 15% of those adoptions are international, 40% are from foster care, and 45% are "other" (including voluntary adoptions through domestic adoption agencies and stepparents or other family members adopting a child directly). Roughly 2-3% of all children under the age of 18 are adopted. Infertility is the most common reason that parents seek to adopt a child they're not related to. Kinship adoptions (children being adopted by family members or close family friends) are typically the first option considered by foster care workers when children are removed from their homes.

Types of Adoption

In the US, we have both open and closed adoptions. Open adoptions allow the biological parent to be in touch with the adoptive parents and the child, and provide the adoptive family with identifying information about their biological parent. In some states, adoptive and biological parents can enter into a legally binding contract that enforces visitation rights and what information can be exchanged about the adoption and about the child.

Closed adoptions seal all identifying information in order to protect the identities of the biological and adoptive parents, as well as to protect the child's identity. This is generally done in cases where the child is adopted as a baby, where the adoptive parents don't want their adopted child to be able to find their biological parents or to know anything about them. An estimated 5% of adoptions in the US are closed.

Disruption

In the US, we also have a process known as "disruption", which is ending an adoption. Sometimes, an adoption is disrupted before the adoption is finalized. Other times, disruptions are a court proceeding after the adoption has been made legal- more like a divorce. Disruptions can happen because the adopted child has psychological, developmental, or health issues the adoptive family can't handle or was not aware of prior to the adoption, or because the parents cannot handle being parents themselves. Disruption seems to be especially common in international adoptions, where children have suffered from spending their first few years in an orphanage. One US Department of Health and Human Services review suggested that 10-25% of adoptions are disrupted or dissolved, but it is unclear how frequently this happens because of the social stigma around disruption. Frequently, post-finalized disruptions (also known as "rehoming") are not regulated, so the child's new housing situation is not investigated to see if it is the best place for the child. As a result of this lack of oversight, rehoming is a target for child and sex traffickers.

What are the Problems With Adoption in the US?

Foster Care

Okay, so now let's dig into some of the big problems that the US adoption system has. The first one I want I want to talk about is issues with the foster care system in the US. There are a lot of issues to do with foster care, but for now I want to focus just on children who are adopted out of the foster care system.

Foster care is when a child is placed into a group home or the home of a state-certified caregiver. The state makes all legal decisions for the child, while the foster parent is responsible for their day to day care. Despite the fact that foster parents go through a licensing process that determines their fitness to be a foster parent and requires foster parents to take parenting classes, one third of foster children in the US report being abused by a foster parent or other adult in the foster home.

The goal of foster care is generally reuniting families when possible; 51% of children who exited foster care in 2010 were reunited with parents or caretakers, 8% went to live with a relative, and 21% were adopted by new parents. The majority of children are placed into foster care due to concerns of neglect (81.2% of cases in California), but those issues are not always resolved once the child enters into the foster care system.

Children who have been in the foster care system are disproportionately likely to have a mental illness, and some studies suggest that as many as 47.9% of foster care youth show signs of serious emotional or behavioral problems. In California, as many as 30% of previous foster children are diagnosed with PTSD. Nearly half of all children in foster care have chronic medical problems. Only 56% of children in foster care graduate from high school (compared to 89.80% of the general population), and 3% graduate from college (compared to about 34.98% of the general population). The emotional trauma that can accompany having been in the foster care system may make children more difficult to adopt and make it more difficult for them to adjust to their adoptive family. About 10% of children placed in foster care stayed in foster care for five years or more.

Further, never being adopted from the foster system comes with negative consequences of its own. After aging out of foster care, 27% of males and 10% of females were incarcerated within 12 to 18 months. 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, and 19% of females had given birth to children. Before leaving care, 47 percent were receiving some kind of counseling or medication for mental health problems; that number dropped to 21% after leaving care.

There is some data to suggest that because of the way financial incentives are set up in the foster care system, there's a financial incentive for the Department of Children and Family Services to remove children from their parents and keep them in the foster care system. There is also some data to suggest that unfit people become foster parents for the financial benefits.

International and Interracial Adoptions

Now, let's talk about international adoptions. I think when a person uses the word "adoption" this is typically what we think of- an American adopting a baby from a developing country to "give it a better life" in the US. The US is responsible for around 50% of all cases of international adoption. This practice is seen by some to be patronizing or neo-colonialist, particularly since there are children who need adoptive families within the US.

Per the Hauge Adoption Convention, inter-country adoptions should be made in the best interests of the child. Despite this, international adoptions are more likely to be products of adoption fraud than domestic adoptions. Because international adoption is a popular option in the US, instead of being about finding homes for orphaned or abandoned children, international adoption sometimes becomes about finding children for first world parents who are looking to make an international adoption. Infants are particularly "in demand" in the international adoption market, which creates a financial incentive to identify more infants for adoption even though most children available for adoption internationally are school-aged. Because of this demand for international children to adopt that outpaces the supply of international children who need an adoptive family, adoption fraud occurs.

Adoption fraud can take many forms. For example, the birth parents may have not consented to the adoption of their child at all, are under the impression that their child will be returned to them after a period of time, or were paid to relinquish custody of their children. The child may have living relatives who are willing to adopt, they may be represented as being more impoverished than they actually are, or they may be represented as having no siblings even though they do.

International adoptions are also frequently interracial adoptions, which can create some unique difficulties. Adoptees who are POC but whose parents are white still face societal discrimination, particularly if their adoptive parents live in a predominantly white community. Their identities are fundamentally different to those of their parents, and so they may struggle with feeling "different" to their family. Children of interracial adoptions are more likely to report feeling like they don't fit in anywhere, although this can be mitigated by how the adoptive family discusses race and ethnicity, how they encourage their child to engage in socialization with other people of their race/ethnicity, and how they construct a "shared family identity" that does not center race or physical appearance.

Familial or Kinship Adoptions

The last thing I want to talk about in this section is familial or "kinship" adoptions versus non-familial adoptions. As I mentioned above, kinship adoptions are typically the first option when a child is removed from their home or loses their parents. Up to 36% of children who are adopted from foster care are adopted by relatives, and around 50% are reunited with a birth parent. I had difficulty finding the number of children who are directly adopted by relatives without being put into foster care first, but know that it's relatively high. Kinship adoptions are thought to minimize trauma since the caregiver is familiar to them, kinship adoptions are more likely to preserve sibling groups, and the caregiver is more likely to live in the same community (meaning that the adopted child can continue attending the same school and won't have to move).

Proponents of kinship adoptions say that children in the care of relatives experience increased stability, fewer placements, are more likely to express positive feelings about their placements, and have fewer adverse behavioral and mental health outcomes. It is important to note that some of these factors are not directly related to familial ties themselves; for example, the reduction in behavioral and mental health problems may be due in part to spending less time within the foster care system when compared to children without family ties. Kinship adoption also increases the likelihood that the children will be reunited with their biological parents in some capacity.

Detractors of kinship adoption argue that we prioritize kinship adoptions because they are less expensive, entail less vetting and follow ups, and reduce risk of liability. They argue that kinship adoptions encourage people who should not be caring for children to do so, and that the financial incentives involved in the arrangement complicate the situation.

Difficulties Being an Adoptee

There are difficulties that can be associated with being an adopted child, particularly for international adoptees or adoptees who were previously in foster care. Adoption research can be somewhat difficult to parse because researchers do not always differentiate between different types of adoptees when recruiting for their studies. Additionally, researchers are more likely be looking at a clinical population to begin with (adoptees already diagnosed with a mental health disorder), so the data they find may not be generalizable to the entire adoptee population.

As we talked about above, international or interracial adoptees can develop feelings of a lack of acceptance or difficulty understanding their identity. Foster children can struggle to cope with the trauma they experienced before being removed from their environments, the ensuing instability that can occur from being moved within the foster care system, and the trauma from the foster care system itself.

The impact of adoption before birth (when a biological parent agrees they will let a person become the adoptive parent once the child is born) on the adoptee seems to be less clear, since the adoptive parent is the only parent the adoptee has ever known. It seems that having a stable, secure, loving, honest, and supportive family is the best predictor of outcomes, whether the child is adopted or not.

Other concerns that I've seen raised on TikTok specifically relate to the role of an adopted child in the adoptive family. They sometimes raise the belief that children are being adopted with the intention of being "parentified" (to provide physical and emotional support for the parents as opposed to the other way around). I couldn't find any evidence that this happens, but I did find a lot of articles about adoptive parents who are looking to help their adopted child stop exhibiting parental behaviors.

I also see concerns that a child is adopted with the purpose of fixing a marriage or to help the parent feel fulfilled in their life. I couldn't find any data on this claim, either. I imagine it does happen. But it also happens in parents who decide to have a biological child, and I would wager a guess that it's less likely to happen in the case of adoptions because there's an extensive vetting process before a person or couple can legally adopt.

Why Adoption is Sometimes Necessary

I do think there are cases in which adoption is necessary. In childhood development research, there's this concept called "adverse childhood experiences". These are various forms of abuse, neglect, and dysfunction that a child may experience. In the original study, the ACEs were as follows:

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn't look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn't have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

Was your parent or caretaker: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

Did a household member go to prison?

ACEs are associated with high-risk health behaviors such as smoking, substance abuse, promiscuity, and severe obesity, as well as health conditions such as depression, heart disease, cancer, lung disease, and overall shortened lifespan. Children who had four ACEs had a seven fold (700%) increase in alcoholism, a doubling of risk of being diagnosed with cancer, and a four fold increase in emphysema. An ACE score above 6 was associated with a 30-fold (3000%) increase in attempted suicide. The greater the number of ACEs in a person's childhood, the more likely it is that they will be at risk for negative health and wellness outcomes.

I bring this concept up because adoption is essentially one ACE. It is traumatic to be removed from your primary caregiver, especially if you're old enough to remember it. But being left in a dysfunctional household will typically result in several ACEs over a child's lifetime. When these kind of events occur, it's important to immediately reduce the risk that the child will experience another one, whether that means removing the child from their home or not.

But even if you believe that adopting a child is the equivalent of 10 ACEs, there are some situations in which adoption is unavoidable. If a child loses both their parents, adoption is unavoidable, especially if they have no living relatives. If a child is "safely surrendered" (abandoned at a site such as a hospital or fire station), adoption is unavoidable. If a pregnant person decides they don't want a child, adoption is (and should be) unavoidable. We shouldn't be forcing parents to give up their children, but we also shouldn't be forcing biological parents to raise a child they don't want and aren't ready for. I think people who are fully anti-adoption fail to consider these types situations.

So What Can We do Better?

I am 110% with anti-adoption advocates when they say that there are real problems within our adoption system. But to get rid of adoption entirely is to almost literally throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm not an expert in this field by any means, but it seems that some things we can do to improve the adoption system might include:

Introducing comprehensive sex education into schools, making access to birth control options inexpensive and easy, increasing access to abortion

Introducing easily accessible options for mental health treatment to anyone who needs it

Offering more support to parents who are struggling to take care of their child, with the goal of reducing the number of children who are removed from their biological parents to begin with

Reducing the prison population by decriminalizing certain victimless crimes

Tightening restrictions around who can be a foster parent or an adoptive parent, regardless of their relationship to the child, and standardizing those requirements across the country

Requiring all adults in a household to be considered "parents" to the adoptive/foster child, meaning that they are also subject to restrictions and foster/adoptive parent training

Putting regulations in place for "rehoming" a child

Encouraging domestic adoptions before international adoptions, if not ending the process of international adoptions entirely

Making rehabilitation of parents and reunification of families the goal except in extenuating circumstances

Ending the practice of completely closed adoptions, and legally protecting post-adoption contracts

Providing better mental health support for adopted children

Providing better resources for parents looking to adopt, including required parenting classes for states that don't already have them and specific training for parents who are adopting from the foster system, adopting interracially, or have other circumstances that may make their situation more emotionally complicated

Realigning financial incentives so that family reunification and adoption are the goals

[agirldying]

hi there!! if possible, i need some advice/insight.

I'll try to make it short. As a child i was neglected both physically and emotionally. It was very bad once puberty kicked in because my body started developing. I smelled awful everyday, never had any food with me(which left lasting damages that i still deal with today), I never did homework,I never brushed my hair or teeth and wore clothes from elementary school even though my body was way past that stage. Hell, I wore the same underwear for weeks at a time because I too scared to ask for new one(nor was i aware you were supposed to change it everyday).

But despite all these obvious signs, somehow my teachers never even bothered to ask me if I was okay. My teacher even asked me( in front if the whole class) if it wasn't embarrassing for me to walk around smelling like that. I was 12 years old and it's still the most humiliating thing I've experienced. Back then I thought I deserved that. But looking back that's such an awful thing to do to a child, especially if they're obviously not well???

I'm almost 18 now and to this day I cannot sleep because of this. Were the signs not visible enough? Did they just not care? Was I not worthy of their help?? It bothers me so much and I'm genuinely thinking of literally just asking them.

But like what if turns out they actually DID know I was being abused and just didn't care?? What do I do then?? That's honestly such a devastating thing to find out since I see a lot of them as parental figures... Most adults that have ever been in my life just turned out to be predators preying on children starved of love like me, I'm not sure I could handle it if it turned out that the only adults I thought were good just... didn't care?

But what if they didn't know about the abuse?? Then I'll just make them feel guilty about not realizing one of their students was being abused. I would feel so awful. And I'd also have to explain everything to them which would also be cumbersome. Also, obviously, they're teachers, they see hundreds of kids everyday, some might go under the radar.

I still have 2 years of school left so I'm not in a hurry, but this situation keeps me awake at night. Literally every outcome of this situation seems to be awful for both parties :(

Hey anon,

First of all I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It was totally inappropriate for the teacher to humiliate you for your hygiene, as of course there's always a serious reason why someone's hygiene is the way it is. But of course not just that, but in general the physical and emotional neglect you endured.

It sounds like there were signs of neglect, not only from your family but from the teachers and those responsible for looking after you at school. You definitely were worthy and deserving of help and care.

As someone with school-related trauma, I completely understand the rumination over if the people at school knew or cared about your situation. Because it really, really hurts when the people you thought you could trust (teachers, faculty, even students) abandon and ignore you in your time of need. It's really easy to internalize that and convince yourself that you weren't helped because you didn't deserve it, whatever the excuse is, but really it's not your fault at all.

I'd like to pull from page 252 of my exposé, I think you might relate.

"Stepping foot in the school shifts the responsibility of that child’s parents onto the staff and faculty for the time they’re in school. If the child is sick, they are sent to the nurse. If the child is upset, they are sent to the counseling center. That is the school’s responsibility. Failing to do that, to properly provide care for a child that is struggling, is neglect. They let my abuse happen when they were tasked with keeping me safe, and I resent them for that."

I think it can be hard to know if your teachers etc knew or cared about your situation. But I think it's also not always simple or even possible to ask. I think what I would say is, at least based on my own experience with something similar, I would ask yourself what would change based on the answer to "Did they care/know?" Because I think that, even if they didn't know or care, that doesn't change the validity of your trauma and emotions surrounding it, in fact you could argue it makes them even more valid. And if they did know and care, they didn't seem to do their job, you know? Either way you deserved attention, love, care, kindness, generosity, and patience.

I hope I could help. If you want to comment on this at all you're absolutely free to, otherwise my inbox is open to you if you need anything else. Please take care.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[whyamistillwatchingtheseshows]

Some 2gether meta for you: 

Does anyone know if the 2gether novel mentions anything about Tine and Type’s parents? My mind keeps thinking about how I certainly believe that Type became Tine’s guardian, but not at a very young age. Perhaps 16-17, just that last year of high school for Tine, which for me, is a great way to explain Tine’s escape into Scrubb. Big brother listened to them for the same reason, or just casually, but then little brother is like whoa! I need this. So emotionally he latches onto the band and their music. Most of the songs are of course love songs or what I like to call concept songs because obviously Tine and Sarawat learn the impact of the band’s music when they find each other. It’s just that scene in the show when Tine is practicing so very hard to perform for Sarawat and he’s hurting his fingers on the guitar string so Wat proceeds to bandage him...Tine says, “no one has ever plastered me like this before.” 

Now, two ways to interpret that come to mind. One, it’s completely romantic for Tine and the first time someone he feels about romantically (though they are not official yet) is doing this for him. Two, he lost a primary caregiver (in this case both parents) and maybe there’s also inner turmoil, because their parents may have not been present as much as they’d like even prior to their death (still it’s their parents so both Tine and Type feel sad and broken about it). Choosing to think about the latter option helps me understand Tine’s character actually. He’s so GIVING, because everyone else had been TAKING from him since his parent’s death (something TAKEN as well), therefore he tries to make up for that by becoming the PLEASING person...the person who can barely say no and in Tine’s case that happened in the few romantic relationships he had before university, before Sarawat. 

For me, there’s something interesting in the way Type hovers in Tine’s life. If he only had to take care of him that last year of high school, it really wasn’t much needed to be done? Correct? It’s checking in, making sure he’s going to classes, maybe even comforting him a few times because of heartbreak, etc etc. By the time Tine’s plans for uni are set in motion, Type is doing his internship and will graduate soon. He’s hyperfocused on that and like Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian who never reconciled or PROPERLY GRIEVED, Tine and Type don't think they need each other. Tine is 18 going to university, what’s the need for big brother? Little does he know Type is often checking his Instagram and is about ready to throw down if he hears anyone is hurting him. Also, he feels really guilty about the fact his little brother cannot tell him, so yeah, I got close to this one person and I’m moving in with him. Then of course that one person attacks him on social media like a jealous pot and Type goes...oh...I see. Knock knock. 

Type and Tine also have the polar opposite of Sam and Dean Winchester’s relationship. Think about it, they could’ve been extremely co-dependent on one another but instead, they kept an arm’s length relationship and I think that’s because Type didn’t have to FULLY become Tine’s PARENT/GUARDIAN like Dean had to for Sam. I am investing WAY TOO MUCH META in a silly BL show, but it’s been nagging at me. Why did Tine burrow himself into Scrubb’s music? Why was Type still grieving and/or in denial while he attempts to ease those emotions by going to meditation retreats? Why didn’t he take his brother? Well, his little brother must’ve been doing okay at uni with classes and cheer leading on the side. Everything seemed relatively HAPPY in Tine’s life, so Type couldn’t mess with that by being selfish and sad. Hence, Type decided to be in that alone. Of course, there’s the option that this has nothing to do with their parents and Type was actually overcoming a recent romantic heartbreak, which is one reason why he appears so standoffish to Man. Headcanon that Tine was a little rebellious when he was middle school age and his parent were constantly tired of his shenanigans. Type was the goody two-shoes when he had is parents around, wasn’t as aggressive as we see in his older age, but when he loses those parents his attitude changes. He closes off, lashes out aggressively especially when someone like Man is being overt in flirting and/or emotionally vulnerable in general. 

Again, I’m investing WAY TOO much in a silly little drama that is not a concocted story for several seasons like Supernatural. Though, I don't see how you can’t get a solid story out of one season if you do it right. Like one-shot fan fiction right? Of course, the show decided to take a few different routes than the novel, which is odd to me. The novel, I hear, did have Sarawat telling Tine all about Pam. There was no dramatic use of her as an obstacle between the two boys. Good on the novel, except I also heard that Sarawat is raging (supposedly non-consent) asshole in the novel, so thank you to Bright and the show deciding THAT would be excluded. It’s just I keep coming back to this question: WHERE THE HECKS ARE TINE and TYPE’S PARENTS? The only viable conclusion is that they are dead or else if they’re alive then they are the most neglecting parents in a BL series because no child while being bandaged should seriously say: “No one has ever ‘plastered’ me like this before.”

[balancingdiet]

Tabula Rasa

Detective Conan & Magic Kaito Characters: Shinichi/Kaito Words: 3100 ish Chapter: (1) … (17) (18) (19)

Shinichi always finds his neighbour weird. But he didn’t expect to find his neighbour lying on a patch of grass and donned in Kaitou Kid’s costume, too.

Shinichi had experienced a fair share of pain—both physically and emotionally—to understand how some of them could feel familiar. But he never knew pain could be nostalgic too.

The sudden, sharp pain hit between Shinichi’s brows again.

It came in a set of three, a cooing sound, and then another...

Shinichi opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was white, but it wasn’t the culprit that was pecking his forehead. Tamago, or whoever that dove was, had flown away once Shinichi stirred and woke up, and the whiteness he saw was the rumpled bedsheet he had laid his head and accidentally fell asleep on.

Shinichi straightened away from the side of the bed and on his chair, and it was only after a second then he registered Kaito’s bed was empty. 

Widening his eyes, Shinichi spun around in his seat, and he found relief when he saw Kaito standing on the balcony (his navy blue shirt camouflaged him well against the dark sky, but his white pants exposed him bright). He was facing the street and dangling his bandaged hands over the railing.

When Kaito fainted in his arms, Shinichi thought of bringing him to the couch in the living room, like what he did during that incident long, long time ago. But he decided to carry Kaito up to the bedroom, thinking it would be a better place to rest for him. Turns out, the clock on the wall now showed an hour before dawn, meaning Kaito woke up not long after he fainted. 

And what a plot twist, it was Shinichi that rested instead.

Shinichi stood up from the chair, not realising the existence of the blanket over his shoulder until it fell off and pooled on the floor. He stared at it for a moment longer than necessary before picking the blanket up and looking at Kaito’s back again.

He didn’t feel as though he deserved this.

Shinichi placed the blanket back on the bed. And now that he could properly look instead of fussing over Kaito’s comfort and tending to his hands previously, he noticed the bed was small. Or rather, it was small because of how sparse Kaito's bedroom was; there was nothing much, besides the bed, a corner desk, and a wardrobe.

To think that Kaito had make this home permanent… The first floor definitely fooled Shinichi well. 

Tentatively, Shinichi walked to the balcony and slid the glass door aside. It was breezy, and the moisture in the air smelt thicker than Shinichi last remembered when he first arrived home. 

”You’re awake,” Kaito said as a greeting.

Shinichi closed the balcony door shut and approached the railing. “Same back at you.”

“You snored.”

This was the last thing he expected the conversation to start with. Shinichi scowled. “I did not.”

Kaito laughed. “You don’t need to feel embarrassed. Your snore is pretty soft anyway.” 

"Don’t change the subject," was what Shinichi wanted to rebuke, but he pursed his lips, unable to form any words as he continued to stare at the side of Kaito’s face.

There was no subject, or anything, for Shinichi to say in the first place—

“How much do you know?” Kaito suddenly said as he continued to face the dark streets below.

“...What?”

Kaito pulled out one of the fragments of the shattered red gem from his pocket, which Shinichi had gathered from the backyard and placed them all on Kaito's desk. 

“For starters,” Kaito said as he fiddled the shard with dull interest. “Do you believe there’s a gem that can shed tears of immortality?” 

Immortality?

Shinichi stared.

For someone who once shrunk by ten years of age, it was hard for Shinichi to say he didn’t believe it, even if he didn’t want to. But in this context and from the way Kaito asked, he wasn’t sure what the correct answer should be.

“Maybe,” Shinichi said instead.

Kaito squeezed the shard in his fist before pounding it over the railing. Shinichi winced.

“To be honest, I don’t,” Kaito said. “But if I don’t, I don’t have anything else to pin on for all the sacrifices that had been made.”

From Kaito's reactions and the evidence in his hand, it was clear all the countless heists Kaitou Kid had done wasn’t to obtain this so-called tears of immortality, but to destroy it. 

But why?

And what sacrifices?

As though Kaito read Shinichi’s thoughts, he spoke, “Kuroba Toichi, my dad, was the first Kaitou Kid.” 

Shinichi widened his eyes.

“He died at the hands of the people who were seeking for this same gem, but I didn’t know anything back then. I’d thought he died due to a magic accident.” Kaito cleared his throat. “And so, the first Kaitou Kid disappeared from the surface of the Earth.”

It wasn’t hard for Shinichi to construct the timeline calculations in his head, and his heart swelled at the realisation of another horror in Kaito’s past. 

He was only eight.

“Years later, I found a secret basement that my dad left behind. I didn’t think much of the consequences but only wanted answers, so I decided to be the ghost of the Phantom Thief.”

“…Why are you suddenly telling me all these?” 

Kaito tilted his head. “After all that earlier commotion, I figured you'd want to know.”

Shinichi hesitated. “But not at the expense of your feelings.”

Kaito chuckled, yet nothing about his laughter sounded real to Shinichi at all. “It’s okay,” he said.

”How is this okay?” Shinichi wanted to yell back, but all the thoughts and words and sorrows of the entire moment were stuck as a lump in his throat. What’s more, this was just the start of Kaito’s past. How could Shinichi, much less Kaito, be able to bear it if they continued to delve deeper into it?

And about Aoko…?

Kaito regarded Shinichi for a while. “It seems as if you know something.”

Shinichi inadvertently glanced away, only proving Kaito’s suspicion right.

“Back to my first question.” Kaito turned around to lean his back against the railings. “How much do you know?” 

Shinichi pursed his lips.

“Tell me,” Kaito urged.

“…I happened to chance upon a few things and made my own guesses.”

“What are they?”

As the wind started to pick up and howl in the originally silent night, Shinichi reluctantly explained the things he thought he would carry to his grave—about Kaito’s unconscious apology to a person named Aoko, the hospital conversation, and the blue rose he found in front of the clock tower. But it wasn’t just unravelling Kaito’s secrets that made Shinichi horrible; having to see the weight pressing down on Kaito’s shoulders as he continued made everything much worse.

By the end of everything, Kaito finally nodded. “As expected of the Detective of the East, you’re right,” he said. “Aoko… She died three years ago.”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“I know.” Kaito raised a hand. “Just let me bring some humour into this conversation, can you?”

Shinichi returned a wry smile. It seemed the least he could do.

“Those people you mentioned earlier,” Shinichi began. “Are they some kind of organization?”

Kaito nodded as he pocketed the shard back into his pocket in silence.

“Are you pissed because you were expecting my answer to be… something exciting? Like, maybe someone from a deadly, criminal organization was hunting me down because I’m a threat to their secret plot?”

So it wasn’t just a taunt Kaito made back then. There were some truth in there too.

“The organization—"

“Done and dusted like yours,” Kaito said. “In fact, I believe it was led by a member that worked under the Black Organization you destroyed. Everything slowly fell apart after you finished them.”

Shinichi said nothing, still struggling to get his feelings towards Kaito’s response straight. There was relief for another end of a criminal organization, but there were some things that didn’t make sense—like why Kaitou Kid still existed if everything was over—and also the guilt, that if Shinichi had brought the BO down sooner…

“About Aoko.” Shinichi swallowed, not sure if it was right to call her name like this. “Did she die in the hands of the same people who killed your father? Before their downfall?”

Something flickered in Kaito’s eyes; it was so brief, yet impactful enough to send even more guilt towards Shinichi’s way.

“It was before, but no, it wasn’t because of them,” Kaito said, and he raised his head to stare at the sky above them. There was a heavy pause, then he added, in a lower tone: “She died because of me.”

What?

“Since Aoko was young, her mother hadn’t been the best of health,” Kaito continued looking at the sky. “Just a few months after her family moved into my neighbourhood, her mother fell ill and had to be admitted into the hospital. Aoko visited her every day of the week, and I accompanied her several times. But after battling the illness for a year, Aoko’s mother passed away.

“Years later after we reached the eligible age, she signed up for a volunteering program in the hospital. And I followed too. Since then, it became our weekend thing; I would perform magic performance for the patients and visitors and she was my assistant. But everything changed after I started becoming Kaitou Kid.

“Life got busier for me, but I still managed to squeeze in some time to attend at least two sessions a month. Aoko obviously noticed the changes, but rather than questioning me about it, she was still grateful.” Kaito suddenly gave a bitter laugh. “She was always grateful.”

Shinichi nodded understandingly.

Kaito continued, “But things changed even drastically after those men that killed my father confronted me, while revealing they were searching for Pandora—the alias of that immortality stone. Since then I started planning and focusing on stealing gems. While hoping to find Pandora first, it was also to lure them out so I could bring them down easier.

“A year or so later, I discovered a rumour that said the Pandora was in Japan. I tripled my heists' activity and worked like hell to find it, and as a result, I’d severely neglected Aoko and missed all the volunteering sessions I should have gone.

“Then, on the night of my heist, which was also the night when Aoko went to the hospital to volunteer, a fire broke out at one of the facilities.” Kaito glanced at Shinichi. ”I’m not sure if you remember or know, but it was on the news.”

Shinichi frowned. “The hospital you invited me to?”

Kaito nodded.

“I… I don’t recall.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to.” Kaito licked his lips and took a deep breath. “Well, a fire broke out, but…” 

“...”

“But, sh— she...”

“She didn’t make it out in time,” Shinichi whispered, finishing the sentence Kaito had trouble completing. 

After a long while, Kaito nodded again. But he wasn’t exactly calm. 

He was simply… gone.

Shinichi parted his lips, ready to explain how the fire was an accident, and that it wasn’t Kaito’s fault. But as Shinichi took a breath to speak that, he knew Kaito had probably heard those words over a thousand of times, and beyond that, they weren’t the things Kaito needed at the moment.

So all Shinichi did was raising a hand and reached out for Kaito’s shoulder, giving it a light pat.

But that pat was like a wrecking ball, because the next thing Shinichi realized, tears welled up in Kaito’s eyes, like a gush of water bursting out from behind the broken glass walls. 

And those waves surged Shinichi, sending him in a swirl of his own tsunami too.

“The gem I stolen that night wasn’t even fucking Pandora, and those scums didn’t appear during that heist either,” Kaito choked out before pressing the palms of his bandaged hands into his face. “So in exchange for that wasted night, Aoko died.”

Shinichi felt a sting in an eye before rubbing it away. 

“Maybe she was lost on the floor. Or maybe she was trapped behind some damn door. But one thing I know for sure was if I wasn’t doing some fucking heist that night and was there with her for the volunteering session, she wouldn’t have died,” Kaito continued to blabber, “I couldn’t save my dad the last time, but I believe I could have saved Aoko.”

“Kaito—”

“And what else?” Kaito interrupted as he swung his arms back to his side, showing his slightly swollen eyes. “Oh, yeah. Sometimes when I’m flying, I’d see a vision of the burning hospital. I usually could control it, but on the night you found me, I had to stab myself in order to gain back my senses and flight control because the panic attack was too overwhelming—”

All of the sudden, Kaito grabbed the front of his blue shirt and heaved. 

Shinichi held onto Kaito’s elbow. “Hey, are you okay?” 

"I’m good.” Kaito sniffed and afforded a quick, reassuring smile before his face grew serious again. “Do you remember the time you told me to take a break? I actually did before, for two years.”

“The period you suddenly disappeared,” Shinichi said.

“Yeah. I stopped being Kaitou Kid after their downfall, but... I didn't think it was enough to account for the sacrifices.” Kaito patted a hand over his pocket. “Pandora owed me this much.”

Sacrifices...  

“Did Aoko know you’re Kaitou Kid?” The words rolled out of Shinichi's tongue.

During the seconds as Kaito mulled over the question, Shinichi started to panic, wondering if it was a wrong thing to ask. But before he could retract his statement, Kaito left the railing and walked back into the bedroom.

Shinichi followed, closing the glass door behind him.

By his desk, Kaito pulled out the first drawer and took out a blue notebook. He caressed the cover with a form of gentleness that Shinichi never seen him had before—not even when handling those million-dollars’ worth gems he’d shone under the moonlight after his heists. 

Then, Kaito passed the book to Shinichi.

Shinichi tentatively accepted it. “What is this?”

“See for yourself.”

Suspicious, Shinichi flipped to a random page.

Dear Diary, Today, Kaito and I went to Tropical Land. I know I should at least be a little bit happier—

Widened eyes, Shinichi shut the book and snapped his head back at Kaito. “This is Aoko’s diary?”

Kaito nodded. “Her dad, Inspector Nakamori, gave it to me.”

“Inspector Nakamori?” Shinichi froze once he realized the connection. “Isn’t he the head of the Kaitou Kid Task Force?”

“He was,” Kaito clarified. 

Shinichi had to take a moment before the words sunk in. "They were related..."

Kaito gave a half-smile. “Life’s just so funny sometimes.”

“Then…”

“He’s now retired from the Force and helping his brother with the ski resort business in Niigata,” Kaito said. “After Aoko’s death, I told him everything; it’s the least I could do.”

“What did he say?”

Kaito chuckled, though it sounded hoarse at the end. “He told me I should get on with my life.”

But it didn’t work out, Shinichi’s silent words hung in the air.

“Then, before he moved, he found the diary and gave it to me, hoping I could find closure or something," Kaito added.

That didn’t work out either, Shinichi thought bitterly again.

Shinichi fumbled with the book. It was light, yet weighted heavy with the history of Kaito and Aoko’s life journey together, at least till the point when the fire took her away…

“I don’t think I have the rights to read it,” Shinichi eventually said.

“You were mentioned in there though.” 

Shinichi blinked. “What?”

“Edogawa Conan, the Kid-Killer.” Kaito smiled, and there was finally a tint of genuine brightness in his eyes. “You were her idol.”

Shinichi scratched a finger on his temple. “Um…”

“Actually, I think you two could’ve been pretty good friends; Both of you are quite similar—Always all about justice, fun to tease, and Tamago...” Kaito’s voice broke off a little. “Tamago loves... loved her too.” 

Shinichi swallowed, staring at the diary in his hand. “I wish I could meet her," he said, with all the truth he could ever put in a sentence. He looked up at Kaito. “Is there... anything else I can do?”

“No. You’d done more than half of my job when you took down the Black Organization.” A tug pulled at Kaito's lips as he rubbed a thumb over the other bandaged hand. “Besides, you’ve been... a very good distraction...for me.”

Shinichi wondered if he could agree the same.

A low rumble came from the outside, and through the view of the balcony glass door, Shinichi could see the trees swaying in the distant. 

“You should go before the rain pours,” Kaito said.

“Are you sure you want me to read this?” Shinichi asked again, lifting the diary.

“The truth is, I’m rather tired right now.” Kaito popped the second button of his blue shirt and slumped onto the bed. “It'll probably answer the remaining questions you have.”

In all honesty, Shinichi was never intent on needing an answer, but if Kaito wanted him to have it, he really had no reason to go against his wishes. He held the book to his chest.

“Do you want me to stay—”

“If it’s for any other circumstances, I would say yes.” Kaito grinned, though barely passing the mark. “But for now I want to be alone.”

“Ok.” Shinichi nodded. “I’ll go.”

“Thanks.”

Shinichi turned towards the door.

“He told me I should forgive you, that’s how I can lessen my pain.”

He wrapped a hand around the knob.

”And you. Only if you know I forgive you, then it will lessen yours.”

(Then what if the only person who could forgive you, was no longer around?)

“Tabula Rasa.”

Opening the door, Shinichi took one last glance back, watching as Kaito wearily climbed under his covers. 

“You know... there’s a difference between hiding and starting anew.”

Shinichi still hadn’t figured out which one fitted Kaito more, but at least for now, he knew Kaito wanted to be alone.

Closing the door behind him, Shinichi left for his own home.

[violetosprey]

Wanted to hear you go on about child yandere. more types of love than romantic. the your my friend or your going to take care of me and me you is scary in a different way. smart kids can more easily manipulate the victim and others emotionally.

Child yanderes huh? Admittedly, that’s a topic I never really think about a lot.  The wording here was a little strange, but I’m taking this as pretty much a “free rein” question.

Quick thoughts here before the read more section:

Can a child be a yandere? – Absolutely

My feelings towards child yanderes (where the cast is roughly the same age) – Same as a normal yandere

My feelings towards child yanderes (where the yandere’s S/O is much older) – Frustrating to okay

To be perfectly upfront here, I don’t focus on child yanderes a lot with the media I consume. That doesn’t mean I don’t come across any.  In fact, in may just be a case where I’m not even considering “this is a child yandere” when technically yes they are.  I guess it depends on what age range you think of when you hear the word “child” to begin with.  For me, that makes me think elementary school and maybe even middle school.  High school I would rather say “kids” if that’s a step up in anyway?

If you consider anyone who is a minor (under the age of 18) a child, then yeah there’s a lot of child yanderes I’ve seen.  Lots of media I’ve read or watched focus on a cast of characters in high school for instance, or sometime middle school age.  I don’t think I’ve read or watched something with a yandere where the cast is strictly elementary school age.  Would I even really enjoy that?  To be honest, elementary school (and sometimes even middle school) romances for me might sound cute, but I hardly take them seriously.  There’s a lot of yanderes who met their S/O in elementary school in the story I’m sure, but that’s usually a past element and the story is focusing on the characters when they’re older.

For the sake of this post, I’ll just assume anyone who is under the age of 18 may count as a child yandere.

Can a child be a yandere?  Of course they can.  They just have to have intense feelings of love that are overwhelming towards another individual, often leading to obsessive and/or possessive behavior.

If you’re the type that believes in “platonic yanderes,” the most common obsessions here would be like the best friend kind (like you stated anon), sibling or parental figure.  In cases like these, I know for a fact I’ve seen some stories where the character is just severely deprived of safe and affectionate love in general.  Their relationships at home either aren’t stellar, or the character doesn’t have anyone period.  They child may have faced abuse or neglect, or they may simply be an orphan.  There’s no desire for sexual or romantic connection here.  The character rather just wants companionship and sometimes a caretaker.  Depending on the backstory given, you can feel kind of sad for these characters since they just don’t want to be alone.  They may also have a tendency to latch onto someone who fits an “ideal” of theirs.  Like the other person seems like the best role model for a friend/sibling/parental figure they always wanted.

If you’re like me though and are more focused on straight up “romantic yanderes,” yes a child can still develop these intense feelings.  In fact, it’s very common for a person in their younger years to grow easily infatuated with someone else, obsess over having a relationship and fumble with healthy dating behavior.  Pretty understandable because when you’re young, you’re just figuring things out. Lots of people have getting married as a main goal in life, so figuring out relationships early on is a benefit sometimes.  You’ve got other things affecting your goal like your social environment and puberty (you know what I mean).  I just stated the obvious here but oh well.  So yeah, a child yandere could fall in love with someone around their age, but they could also develop feelings for someone older.  Usually with the latter, it’s just innocent crushes that blossom from getting attention from someone they view as much more mature than their peers. Plenty of people will probably say, “I had the biggest crush on my third grade teacher” for instance or something like that.  They’re mostly harmless and will fade away in normal cases.  By the way, just because a kid CAN develop a crush on an older individual, that is NOT permission to pursue a relationship with them -_-.  Sorry for that interruption, but I don’t want people to misinterpret what I’m saying here.

Now if the child yandere in question is part of a cast that’s around the same age as them, including their S/O…I just kind of treat them like any other yandere.  No special feelings really towards the character more of less because the setting allows me to just focus on the relationships and not really the ages.  Especially with anime and manga where like, character appearances will hardly match their age sometimes, so I halfway give up even worrying about how old these characters are to begin with.

Currently the most recent child yandere I could think of observing was Norman in the Promised Neverland parody manga, The Parodied Jokerland.  He’s very enjoyable in that and incredibly yandere.  He’s the cute kind of creepy obsessive, if that makes any sense.  In that scenario, his S/O Emma is the same age as him, and the majority of the cast are also kids.

If you have a child yandere who’s focused on an OLDER S/O though…that’s kind of difficult to ignore.

I had this very funny and sad realization:  Most of the media I’ve viewed where a child yandere is in love with an older S/O is via Lifetime movies.

Yeah…

So that gives me a more narrow view here of child yanderes if their S/O is older than them 0.o. Lifetime is basically my junk food.  It’s bad for me, but I’ll watch it occasionally when I have cable access.  Not stellar entertainment, but my god they love to run the obsessive love trope over and over again.  Believe it or not, I know I’ve seen a few variations of cases where they have a younger character desperately trying to get together with an older character. They probably have all combinations, but for some reason the one that pops into my head first is, “teenage girl wants to marry this older man who’s already married/in a relationship.”

The way most of these plots play out is something like:

1)      Kid tries to find a way to get access to S/O (ex. Class, lessons, be a friend of S/O’s kid)

2)      Kid tries to get the S/O to support them with a sad backstory and/or tries to be the “perfect helper” for the S/O

3)      Kid tries to bump off the S/O’s partner at some point (may or may not succeed)

4)      Someone dies (because it’s Lifetime and someone you honestly don’t care about has to get killed at some point just to up the ante- I have literally only ever cared about 1 person that died when watching Lifetime and I don’t think it was even an official Lifetime movie)

5)      Kid confesses their love for their S/O and claims they’re the best match for them

6)      S/O (unsurprisingly) shuts them down with a “No”

7)      Kid snaps and depending on how much time is left in the movie, usually a fight culminates between individuals or there’s a kidnapping or blackmailing (you get the idea)

8)      Ends with kid either getting killed or arrested (Wait do they kill the child yanderes in these movies?  I haven’t watched them all so maybe they live, I’m not sure).

So yeah that’s what this ask made me think of first, haha.  Obviously with Lifetime, pretty much all their yanderes (as low-brow as some of them are) are the antagonistic/villain kind with Yandere vs. S/O stories.  It’s no different if the yandere in the film is a child.  It’s a guaranteed that the child yandere is going to lose in these films. But quite frankly…I know a lot of people actually want the S/O to reciprocate and work with the yandere, but I think we can all agree that this particular scenario should be fine staying Yandere vs. S/O.  Because if it wasn’t, that means you’d be making…an OLDER S/O…attempt a relationship…with a minor….yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh I don’t recommend going that route for obvious reasons.

Now are child yanderes ever really a threat? Actually yes, they can be quite dangerous.  Sure, they’re not like a high political figure or CEO like in the stories I like to read that can use their power and wealth to push the S/O into a corner or anything.  But child yanderes can become surprisingly selfish and underhanded with their tactics. One thing I notice is that they’re incredibly observant, so they know where to find items they need to use (like weapons or drugs) for a wicked task or they know what kind of people to talk to and manipulate for their own needs. While child yanderes lack a higher social and economic standing, they have their “innocence” that can often help avoid detection from the authorities when trouble arises.  The most dangerous weapon I’d say a child yandere has at their disposable would be the ability to slander someone without repercussions. Especially if they’re claiming someone else was violent with them or sexually abused them.  Why?  Because let’s be honest, lots of people would be deathly afraid of doubting a child making such accusations.  And in turn, their feelings would rise quickly and they’d turn against the accused.

Another fun Lifetime fact: Depending on the film, they always purposefully make it frustrating for the viewer when it comes to false accusations vs. real accusations.  If it’s a film where they have an actual victim speak out against their perpetrator, the circumstances will usually be set up so that most of the film cast won’t believe the victim.  On the other side, if it’s a character making a false accusation against another character, most of the film cast will side with the liar over the accused.  Because I guess Lifetime just likes to say that life is infuriating like that 0.o

Getting back on topic though, so why did I say that child yanderes can range from “frustrating to okay” for me?  Well, like I said earlier, I don’t really take a lot of young romance that seriously. Kids can also be very volatile and irrational, so you know in ADDITION to this character being a yandere, it’s going to be nearly impossible to try to talk some sense into the character that they cannot be with the S/O they desire.  It’s a doomed relationship, so I find myself either rolling my eyes at or pitying the yandere in this case.  The child yandere could be “okay” though if, well…I like their yandere actions honestly. I AM still a sucker for yanderes in general, so I’m not gonna mind if I get a nice fix of crazy in there.

This probably isn’t a stellar answer, but like I said this isn’t really a topic I think about a lot. Hope it was interesting?

[eldritchsurveys]

949.

1. When are you likely to be condescending? >> I don’t think there’s a specific situation that causes me to sometimes fall back into negative communication habits. I just learned some shitty ways of acting towards other people pretty early in life and sometimes it comes out reflexively. It’s definitely a lot better now, and I’m usually able to catch myself before I behave in a condescending manner, but I think sometimes I just don’t notice it until it’s already out there. 2. How do you treat people that you feel are somehow “lower” than you?   >> I don’t feel anyone is “lower than” me. I get irritated with people sometimes for acting in certain ways, but I don’t think that necessarily translates into thinking I’m better than them. 3. Do you support the idea of anarchy?   >> I don’t have a complete understanding of what anarchy is, so I can’t say. The most I’m aware of is “lack of government”, and although I can see the appeal of that, I think some sort of governmental system should exist to keep social and economic systems running and to guard against corruption. The concept of government may or may not be inherently flawed, but I’m not entirely sure what the alternative is supposed to be (or how it’s any better). 4. What do you think of the population of teenagers that considers college to be a waste of their time?   >> I understand why they may think that. 5. Do you consider your education to be a waste of your time?   >> No, but to be fair, my education is also not locked behind an exorbitant tuition that is bound to put me in debt for a large portion of my adult life while also not guaranteeing that I will make a living income in a gratifying career.

6. Every tattoo has a story behind it; if you have any, what are the stories behind yours?   >> The one on my hand is a Mannaz rune and my then-friend did it for me with a tattoo kit they got off the internet. For all that, it didn’t come out bad at all -- it’s just thin in places where the ink didn’t get distributed evenly enough, you know. My thirty-dollar tattoo on my wrist that I got done in the Bronx (the number 19 in Roman numerals) is around the same level of quality. That was my first tattoo, the thirty-dollar one. There’s a spider dangling from it now that I got added on last year at Downtown Tattoo in New Orleans, which is also where I got the “scully, it’s me” on my upper inner arm a few years ago. That’s an X-Files reference; Sparrow has the matching one (”mulder, it’s me”). (The XIX and spider are references to The Dark Tower and my part in it, of course.) 7. Have you ever gone through a period of mass weight-gain/weight-loss? what was that time like for you?   >> No. 8. What’s one incident that has majorly affected your self-esteem? Was it for better, or for worse? >> There is no one incident that has majorly affected my self-esteem. My image of myself is the way it is because of years and years of being devalued, emotionally neglected, abused, and generally treated with a lack of care. And now after all those people have contributed to this, it’s up to one person -- me -- to fix it all. Amazing. What a joke life is sometimes. 9. Is the number of followers you have important to you?   >> No. Well -- yeah. It’s important in the sense that if the number gets too high, I get antsy. LOL. 10. How many hours a day do you think is just entirely too many?   >> What? 11. Do you have a close bond with your sibling(s)? Was it always this way, or has it been better/worse?   >> --- 12. Have you ever behaved like a stalker?   >> I don’t think so. I’ve been a little creepy when I was younger, but nothing I could see being arrested for. 13. How are you feeling today?   >> A little tired -- my sleep schedule is always getting disrupted by factors I can’t pinpoint or control. But mostly okay. 15. Do you cook your own meals or do your parents?   >> Sparrow does 99% of the cooking. I mostly just eat easy-to-prepare things otherwise. 16. Have you used Limewire before?   >> I sure have. 17. Are you/were you in a band? if so, what was your band name? >> No. 18. Who do you envy the most, if anyone at all?   >> I’m not sure. 19. Has the last person you kissed met your father?   >> No one I’ve kissed has met my father. 20. Who knows you better than you know yourself? >> Can Calah.  

[wunderlass]

On BFFs and friendship while Adulting

There was a post in the tag earlier today posing a question that I wanted to answer but unfortunately by the time I got around to it the post had vanished. I can’t remember the exact wording, but it was asking opinions of who is the ‘better’ friend to Maria during the series: Liz or Alex. 

I still wanted to answer that question (in a much broader sense) so here we are.

Usual meta caveats: my interpretation, ymmv etc.

First up: there is no right answer to that question. There are ways to be bad and terrible friends, sure, but every friendship and every connection is different in ways that are difficult to measure tangibly. We use “deep” friendship a lot when we discuss it but we can’t quantify that: time and knowledge and commonalities can make a difference but ultimately friendships are as much about chemistry as romantic connections are.

Also, just because somebody is the kind of friend you only go out partying with doesn’t mean they are less valid than the person you’ve known since nursery school who has been there for every major milestone of your life. So long as you’re both happy with the fact you’re only in each other’s lives to party, that friendship does what it needs to.

All of this to say: friendship isn’t a competition (and I don’t think that’s what the other poster was actually implying). You can have multiple best friends or none, or one “deep” lifelong bond. Liz and Alex aren’t competing for Maria’s affection or to be the better friend to Maria. All they need to be is the best friend they can be for her.

The real question is, how successful are they at it?

Honestly...not great.

But they’re trying!

Liz and Alex are both damaged, flawed people, for different reasons, and that’s impacted not only them but the connections they have to other people.

For Liz, she’s been wearing Rosa’s armour for ten years. We know she’s flitted from place to place, eschewing social media. She couldn’t make a connection romantically but there also has to be a trail of broken friendships across all of the places she’s been in during that time. We don’t hear her reference anybody except Diego, her ex-fiance, so there isn’t a hint of other friends she’s keeping in touch with. 

She also didn’t make much attempt to keep in touch with Maria or presumably anybody else from Roswell (perhaps understandably). It all sounds pretty lonely, and we come to learn that as capable as Liz is, the events when she was 18 have caused real damage to her emotionally. She’s isolated and stunted. Only upon returning home does she begin to shed her armour and attempt to reconnect.

Alex is also isolated and stunted, but for different reasons. Even after years of abuse we know he made major life choices in the hope he’d receive some form of love from his father (and likely brothers). He doesn’t seem to have had any kind of affection in his home life, so he reached out for it wherever he could when he was a teenager, notably to Michael. That ended badly, and he’s done what his father, the military, and a patriarchal society have wanted him to do: he’s locked his emotions away. 

Where Liz displays her emotions proudly and often loudly, Alex is quiet, introspective. He internalises everything, or shoves it away so he can pretend he isn’t feeling. He wears his own form of armour so nobody can hurt him anymore. It’s a survival mechanism. We have hints that he has made friends and bonded with some of his colleagues, but how much he’s opened up to them or given them the opportunity to hurt him is debatable. And much like Liz, his time in Roswell is teaching him that although allowing other people to know you is a risk, that kind of vulnerability can also be its own kind of reward.

How does that relate to Maria specifically?

We see Liz spend more time with Maria than Alex does on screen, although arguably that is because Liz is the lead so we spend more time with her anyway. Both are returning to Roswell after a decade away, with the implication that they may have briefly returned in that time but haven’t made much of an effort to keep in touch with her or each other.

So this is an old friendship - the kind potentially forged when they were as young as toddlers - but one which has been neglected due to time and circumstance. One where all involved have to discover how much the other parties have changed and grown in the interim.

Maria herself has become pretty isolated. We know this because she also never mentions other friendships - the closest she has is her banter with Michael - and she seems to devote all of her time to Mimi and the bar. She also mentions dating a Chad, which is hilarious, but also hints at a desperation to have a connection with somebody after she’s been left behind in a one-horse town.

Liz is good at the easy stuff: turning up for advice, drinking, reminiscing about old times. She’s too wrapped up in her own stuff to give more than that. Maria says she was happy with this because it’s a distraction. She’s either sharing more with Alex - possibly because she expects Liz to leave town again sooner rather than later - or Alex has been around enough to see the situation with Mimi.

But I don’t think Alex is much good at the heavy emotional lifting either. He has to turn to Liz to help him shoulder that burden in episode seven. Fandom likes to celebrate him calling Liz out, but she really has been going through a lot, and it was Maria’s choice not to share. Liz doesn’t necessarily know Maria well enough anymore to spot the signs of emotional distress if they’re hidden from her.

Here’s where I admit that I see plenty of myself in Liz and Alex. I’m not very good at being a shoulder to cry on either. At the start of episode nine, Maria reaches out to Liz, who immediately starts to problem solve, and that’s the kind of friend I am: come to me when something's gone wrong and I will figure out how to fix it, even if what you actually need is someone to listen while you fall apart. We’re looking at two emotionally distant people who work in technical disciplines, and that’s their likely go to behaviour.

I think when Liz is aware of a problem, she’s better at being supportive, whereas Alex is so out of touch with his own emotions he might not be very good at handling others’ emotions either, hence his appeal to Liz in episode seven. However, both of them ultimately leave Maria high and dry when she’s most vulnerable. We end up with Michael who is hilariously, visibly uncomfortable with an upset Maria and yet does the right thing purely by instinct: offering her a literal shoulder to cry on. In episode nine we see Liz let Maria go off to “be her own damn saviour” when that might not actually be what Maria needs or wants.

So neither Liz or Alex are a perfect friend to Maria, and that’s okay, because that’s part of their emotional arcs. They both need to, and are beginning to, learn how to flex the friendship muscle again. By the end of the series we may even have three emotionally healthy, functional adults!

Just kidding, the show is going to put them all through the wringer and destroy them and us.

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 18

Chpt 18 - Auston Negotiates with Dr Quinn & Dr Quinn Reveals ‘So Much’

2281 Words

Dr Quinn reads Auston’s apology and feels the need to explain herself, “No Auston, I am the only one who owes an apology.  I am so sorry that I did not come to see you last week.  There are no excuses really which is why I didn’t give any.  But if you would like to know part of the reason I didn’t come by I can tell you.”

“Yes, please.”  Auston writes.

“Okay, as well as the off-site medical conference, I had meetings for a new education project I’m heading up with a couple of Universities and you know I recently got a life and went on a couple of dates.  But, I assure you that I was checking on you, through Dr Wright.  Unfortunately, Dr Wright neglected to mention that you were struggling emotionally.  Auston, I would have made it a priority to come see you if I knew you were having a tough time.”

“Thank you”,  He writes.

“I never want to let a patient down.  I am so, so sorry.”  She adds.

Let a patient down?  Is that all I am to you?  He mopes.

“I get it.”  He writes, keeping his disappointment to himself.

“You said part of your reasons for not coming, but what are the other reasons?” He dares to ask.

“Oh Auston, …um…Auston I’d prefer not to get into that if you don’t mind”,  She tells him.

What the hell is she referring to?  I need to know!  Is she conflicted?  Does she have feelings for me?  Did she figure out I have feelings for her?  Fuck!  Whoa!  Be patient Man!  It’s okay. You’re playing the long game.  If she is conflicted, has feelings or has issues with us, then it’s best that they are not acknowledged right now when there is still more work to be done to heal me.  I better not open that can of worms. He advises himself.

“No problem”, he writes.

Thrilled to be able to change the subject Dr Quinn asks, “So, Auston, did you have a chance to get that assignment done that I gave you?”

“Yes.  I asked Alex to look after my social media.  She’s working on it.”

“Great!  Did you pick someone you’d be willing to talk with?” Dr Quinn asks.

“Yes.”

“Ha, Auston!  You’re as evasive as I am.  Can I ask who?”

“Ha!  Yeah, I’m trying to be as mysterious as my doctor.”  He looks up and winks at her joking.

“He’s a man I consider to be a second father to me.  His name is Patty Marleau. He’s a retired Hall of Fame hockey player.  We played together during some of my earliest years in the NHL and he’s been a mentor to me. He lives in California now”, He writes.

“Oh, great Auston! Have you reached out to him yet?”

“No.  I want to wait till I can talk”,  Auston writes.

“Oh, okay.  I see.  I understand.  I can see how that would be ideal.”  Dr Quinn realizes.

She looks at Auston, and he laughs at her.  He gives her a smart ass look like ‘ya think?’

She laughs at herself. “Sometimes I forget that you can’t talk so you’ll have to forgive me.  I was telling Dr Wright earlier that I am amazed at how well I’ve got to know you without you ever having said a word.”

“Are you surprised by that, Doctor?  What about babies and dogs and other pets?  You can get to know them without them speaking a word.”  Auston writes, calling her out with his reasoning.

Dr Quinn takes the opportunity to tease Auston.  “Are you comparing yourself to a dog or a baby, Auston?  Is that what you’re actually comparing yourself to? Wow, Auston!  Okay then, Auston, you’re like a puppy to me.  I guess that’s it! That’s why I like you so much!”  

As the words come out, she immediately realizes she slipped up.  Oh, wha the Fuck did I just say?  Whaaaaaa….The….Hellllllll?  Quinnnnnnnn! Recover! Abort!  She screams in her head.

Auston: Wow!  Oh myyyyyyyyy Goooooooooooooddddddd!!!!  Did I just hear her correctly?  Oh myyyyyyyyyy Gooooooooodddddd!  She likes me! ‘So much’!

“What did you just say?” Auston writes, clearly about to bubble over.  He can hardly remember to breathe.

“Huh?”  Dr Quinn is in a hot daze.

“The last thing.  What was that you said?”  He knows she won’t repeat it.  He knows it was a slip-up.

“I don’t know; ‘you’re like a puppy to me’?”  She plays dumb.

Wanting to push the issue but at the same time afraid of where it may lead at this point in their relationship as doctor and patient, he only gently teases, “No not that.  The very last thing.”  He can’t help his smirk.

She mumbles, “what do you athletes call it when you tease each other?”

“Sorry, what?”  He writes confused.

“What’s the term for when athletes tease each other.”  She asks again, only louder.

“Chirp?”  He guesses.

He’s got her so rattled. She rambles.  “I don’t know, but whatever the term is, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not an athlete by my bad attempt at chirping.  Can we just change the subject, please?  There’s nothing good that can come from exploring that tidbit of information I just offered up on a plate, so let’s move on shall we?  And yes, for the record, I think you’re a wonderful person, and anyone would agree so don’t tease me about it, Auston.  Okay?  It’s my observation.  Let’s move on.  Thank you very much.”

“OK”, he writes, clearly enjoying her revelation and the way it has made her so flustered and cute. He quickly adds drawings of four emoji happy faces, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil and a Winky Face and turns them to face her.

“Auston!  Enough!  And where’s your sister anyways?  She said she’d be back in an hour or an hour and a half at the latest.”  She scolds him as she laughs at the mess she created for herself.

“It’s only been an hour Doctor Q.”  Auston writes with a smile he can’t erase.  He wipes his board dramatically and adds with a huge flourish of his marker, “So much!”

“Oh my goodness, Auston. You’re going to drive me to drink.” She jokes.

Auston bargains, daring to ask again, “In the meantime though, I know you said I could call you if I needed to talk or was feeling down.  Does that mean you’ll be my Friend/Therapist?”  He writes.

“I’m glad you brought that up, Auston.  I was late for your procedure today because I was securing the very best therapist I know, Dr Moran.  He is very busy but as a favour to me he is willing to come and see you when you are ready. He is really good, Auston!  The best there is, in these parts anyway.  I highly recommend him.”

“No.  Thanks anyway.  Not ready for that yet.”  He writes to the point.

He continues to plot in his mind.  You and I need to get to know each other better so a big ‘nope’ to that.

“Really Auston?  He would be so much better than talking to a friend.  He has a great reputation for helping people deal with life-changing accidents. As your doctor, I encourage you to use him as your Therapist.

Auston believes her.  Sure this Dr Moran would be very helpful but I’m not giving up quality time with her by going to him.  Maybe later.

“But right now, I really need someone, like a friend, to bounce things off of, and since we already know how to communicate and I trust and respect you, I was hoping it could be you? Plus you like me ‘so much’ right?” He writes teasing.

“Oh my gosh Auston!  I’m never gonna hear the end of this am I?”

“Which?  Me asking you to be my Friend/Therapist or me reminding you that you like me ‘so much’?  Cause you’re right on both fronts.  Never. Gonna.  Hear. The.  End.  Of.  Either.  If you say no to Friend/Therapy, that is.  But if you say yes, I’ll drop both.  Pinky swear.” He writes and adds a winking emoji with its pinky up.

Dr Quinn can’t even laugh. She’s so lost in thought.  She’s conflicted. 

This is so not a normal request. What’s with this guy?  Spoiled much?  She thinks to herself.

When she doesn’t respond right away, he panics and writes,  “Please don’t say no to Friend/Therapy!  You promised you’d be there for me.  Oh yes, I did just do that!  I played the guilt card!”, he writes and adds a shocked emoji face.

“Friend-Therapy.  That’s not even a thing!  Eff!”  She mumbles but can’t help but laugh at him.  “You little Shi.!”  She scolds him.  “I hope you use this kind of stubbornness in your voice therapy, re-training and hockey games.   Seriously, Auston.  Wow!”

“Whaaaaa?   What did my esteemed doctor almost say?  I’ve got half a mind to report you to the Doctor Gods for almost swearing Dr Q.”  He writes teasing, thoroughly pleased with the results of his creativity and sticktoitiveness.

Auston thinks: she’s so fun to tease!  

He knows he’s putting both himself and her in a very awkward position.  But he just can’t stop himself.  It would mean everything to him if he could talk with her every day for long periods of time.

“Auston, I actually went out of my way to get you a top-notch Therapist and he will see you immediately despite a waitlist a mile long, but you want something you’re calling, ‘Friend Therapy’?  With me? An unqualified Therapist.  You’re kidding me?  Right?

NO!  Not kidding! I only want you!  Why can’t you figure that out without me telling you that I’m crazy about you?  Please, just go along with what I’m asking. He screams to himself in frustration.

Sensing he might not have her locked up, Auston now plays his last cards available,  “No, I’m not kidding.  I know what I need right now and it’s a friend to talk to that knows my situation, someone with whom I can communicate and someone that I trust. Those things are all you, Doctor Quinn. Like I said before, I don’t trust anyone knowing my shit.  I have an image to protect, and if my insecurities or deficiencies become known to the public, it would be devastating. Do you understand?”

“Yes Auston, but this is a doctor who has taken an Oath to protect any information you give him.”

“I can’t risk it, Dr Q. I’m sorry.  I appreciate you trying to help me by reaching out to him, but right now it’s you or nobody.”  Auston writes appearing emotional.

She looks at him to see if he is serious or just bluffing.   She shakes her head as if to say ‘well played my friend’.  

“Okay, Auston, I will be happy to be an ear for you till you can speak with your friend, Patty or you are ready to see Dr Moran, whichever comes first.  I will have to look at my schedule and try to come up with a time each day this week that I can come by and chat.  I’ll have to get back to you on that.  Okay?”

Auston is ecstatic.  He maintains his cool though.  “Thank you for considering it. I know how important your time is and wouldn’t ask without it being important.” He tells her hoping she’s not upset with him for pushing and appearing to be a bit of a spoiled brat.

“It is my pleasure, Auston. I know what you’re going through is very important.  I trust that you know yourself very well and know what you need. I am sorry for giving you a hard time. I just want what is best for you.  I’m not even qualified to be a Therapist, so just know that all you’ll be getting from me is the ‘Friend’ part.”

“You’re right, Doctor Quinn. I do know what is best for me. Thank you.”  Auston writes.  

And I’ll take the ‘Friend’ part of you, all day and every day till I leave this place, thank you very much!  He cheers to himself.

“Well, I should be going now but will come by sometime tomorrow and give you a schedule so we can start chatting.  Does that sound okay?”

“Yes.  Thanks again.  You made me feel better.  I’ve been having a tough go recently.”  He writes.  After Dr Quinn has read it he wipes the board, writes something else and turns it upside down so she can’t see it.

“I’m sure, Auston.  It kills me to see you hurting.  I will do everything I can to help you.  I’m so glad you’ve had this procedure now, and things are moving along. It’s getting exciting.  We’ve almost got your breathing in order.  Your voice is next.  Then you're on your way.  Very exciting!”

What’s ‘very exciting’ is I get to see you every day!  Auston thinks to himself as he leans back to rest, very pleased with himself but exhausted.

“I’ll be sending a Nurse in to attend to you shortly.  Please tell Alex I’m sorry I missed her return, but I will call her tonight.”

Auston smiles and lifts his hand to wave goodbye.  Then he holds up his board for Dr Quinn to see what he wrote earlier.

“So much!” Is all it reads.

He smirks as she rolls her eyes, laughs and leaves the room.

“You’re a goofball, Bam Bam! Such a weirdo!”  She calls out to him without turning around.

Auston:  Yes!  She likes me ‘so much’!

[wroughtbetwixtfanfic]

A Memory Of The Smell of Smoke, Ch 1.

Fandom: The Society.

Summary: Everyone liked to pretend that Campbell had been born bad. That their fear and hatred were logical, rational, justified, because Campbell was a monster incapable of making the choice between good and evil. Because he couldn't feel the way they did. Well, fuck that. He was gonna prove them wrong. At least, that had been the plan.

Rating: Mature.

Tags: Canon Divergence, Pre-Canon, Emotional Baggage, Mental Health Issues, Child Abuse, Substance Abuse, Animal Death, Complicated Relationships, Pre-Slash, Denial of Feelings, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Implied Rape, Campbell has mild ASPD and is self aware enough to try and be better, the non-con is NOT Campbell, didn't add an official warning because it is the aftermath only, yes it is the party becca mentioned and there will be a warning in the notes of that chapter, Campbell/Harry, Campbell/Elle.

Word Count: 3121(chapter 1/5).

AO3 || CH 2 || CH 3 || CH 4 || CH 5

Disclaimer: This is part of the first book of a series, A Gamble At Terrible Odds.

Knowing what I know of personality disorders and my own personal experiences, this is an attempt to write a canon divergent storyline for Campbell, using a slightly more realistic take on conduct disorder and ASPD instead of slapping on Hollywood "psychopath" stereotypes. While young people with conduct disorder can be violent and abusive, the diagnosis does exist on a spectrum, and neither ASPD nor "psychopathy" should be diagnosed before the age of 18; this is one thing that rubbed me the wrong way on The Society. I wanted an antagonist who's threat lay in the fact that they are calculating, ambitious, and ruthless-- not just "crazy". Hopefully I can succeed in presenting a more understandable and slightly less sensationalized vision of how-and-why he behaves. Please note that I have no intention of making him a violent abuser, not in an attempt to "woobie" him, but to bring his character more in line with my experiences of how an emotionally neglected child/teen with moderately reduced empathy would behave, provided they were actively attempting to help themselves.

Tl;dr I just wanted to make Campbell less needlessly shitty, because it makes me feel better as a person, and because I wanted one (1) antagonist who isn't just an evil, horrible abuser with a scary mental illness.

Thank you for reading, and leaving kudos/comments/likes. <3

/////

Campbell could barely remember life before Sam. The few memories he had were just bits and pieces, and nothing worth remembering. His parents leaving him with his Aunt Amanda, Uncle Jim, and cousin Cassandra while they went on a business trip or to some fancy vacation. Being scolded for crying too loud in the grocery store. In the kitchen of their big fancy house, reaching for his mother to pick him up, and standing there alone as she walked away. Later, sweetie. Some other time, dear. Mommy's busy, Campbell. It was always the same thing, and it only got worse when his mother got pregnant again.

Your mother's tired, his father would say. She needs to rest. Not that his father ever made time, either. He was important, and often harassing some poor fuck in the community with Uncle Rogers. Campbell didn't know what to do, so he would cry and scream until finally one of them would pay enough attention to yell back. Sometimes they would grab his wrist and drag him to his room for time out. He just always was too much for them, too stressful for them, too demanding, too clingy, too emotional. A bitter irony, he thought when he was older and looking back, remembering what it was like to feel that deeply. He'd been robbed of that, before he'd even known how to vocalize it. When Sam was born, they gave him to Campbell to hold. Campbell looked down at his baby brother. He was so small. So fragile. Don't you love him, his parents asked. Campbell didn't reply, and his parents laughed it off and teased him for being jealous. He didn't know what that word meant, not at the time. All he knew was that he was standing at the edge of his family, watching something he wasn't allowed to be a part of, even if he didn't understand why. He did discover that if he held Sam close, if he was gentle with Sam and kissed his forehead and smiled at him, their parents would smile, too. Their parents would coo and hold Campbell, too. They would sing to them both, read to them both. At first, he thought maybe he could do it. Even if he didn't feel as warm towards Sam in the way his cousin Cassandra seemed to feel towards her little sister, Allie, Campbell liked Sam alright. Campbell knew he could be a good boy, a good brother, and his parents would love him. For the first two years of Sam's life, things did seem like they were improving. Sam gurgled at him and followed him everywhere, and babies were kinda gross but Campbell accepted that. At least he felt like maybe he had a friend. It didn't matter that Sam spent more time with their parents than him, and that their parents looked at Sam in a way they never looked at Campbell. Campbell still felt less alone. ... At first. But then one night, when Sam was three and Campbell was five, their parents shook Campbell awake in the middle of the night. He tried to ask what was happening, but his parents just shouted at him to stop asking questions. There were sirens outside. Campbell saw their mother rush by his bedroom, with Sam in her arms. He looked strange. Limp. Campbell tried to follow, but their father grabbed his arm and yanked him a different direction. Their Uncle Jim was there, and he loaded Campbell into his car and drove him to their home. Cassandra was awake when they arrived. She took Campbell's hand and led him to the room she shared with her sister. At least there, it was quiet. They sat together on Cassandra's bed, silent and staring off into space. He didn't know when he fell asleep, but when he woke up, it was light outside and Cassandra was holding him in her arms. "What's goin' on?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Where's Sammy?" "It's bad," she said, in that matter-of-fact voice of hers. "Sam is in the hospital." Campbell wiggled out of her embrace and padded out to the kitchen, where Aunt Amanda and Uncle Jim stood, faces pale. "What happened?" he demanded, frowning when the adults shared a look. "What happened to Sammy?" "Sweetie," Aunt Amanda said as she clutched her coffee mug, "try to go back to bed. We don't--" "Tell me!" He was yelling, and he knew that good boys didn't yell at adults, but he didn't care. Without Sam, there was nothing and there would never be anything again; he needed Sam, more than he needed anyone. "Tell me what's goin' on!" Uncle Jim came over and crouched down in front of him. "Sam got sick, and fell asleep. The doctors are trying to wake him up and make him feel better. That's all we know right now, Campbell." Asleep. Campbell remembered that Cassandra had a hamster once, and it died. It went to sleep and never woke up again. "What if Sammy doesn't wake up?" Aunt Amanda started crying. Uncle Jim said nothing. Campbell went back to Cassandra, who was watching him with wide blue eyes. Allie woke up not long after, and they all ate pancakes in bed. At least, the girls did. Campbell gave his bacon to Cassandra and picked at his pancakes until they were cold. Allie played ball with them out in the yard; Campbell kicked it back to her a few times, but he was too busy thinking about his brother. Would he be okay? Would he come home? What made him sick? Kids didn't just die, did they? "I thought only old people died," Campbell said to Cassandra later, when Allie was getting a bath. "Sammy's too little." Cassandra was coloring in a book. She didn't look up, but she shrugged. "Kids die all the time. In war and from cancer and stuff." "How do you know?" "My parents watch the news." Campbell sucked on his lips. Jealousy. He knew that word, now, and knew it's ugly pulse. The only time he ever watched the television was when a movie or Sesame Street was put on for Sam. And he didn't even know what that word meant, cancer, but he wasn't going to ask. He didn't want to know. If he knew what it was, it made it real. That night, his father came to the house and picked Campbell up, taking him back to their own house to get some clothes. "You need to stay with your auntie and uncle for a while," his father said while snatched random things and jamming them into a backpack. "Just for a few days. Understand?" "When is Sammy coming home?" "Don't ask questions. Go get your toothbrush." Campbell slumped and wandered off to get his stuff from the bathroom. The ride back was silent. He brought his backpack in and dropped it next to Cassandra's bed; he noticed his father talking to Uncle Jim and Aunt Amanda in the study, and he slinked closer to listen. He couldn't hear much, but it was about Sam. "Meningitis. They don't know if he'll..." But then his father noticed him at the door. He walked over and shut it, just like that. Campbell felt something hot and painful stir in his chest, and without thinking, he kicked the door as hard as he could. It stayed shut. Campbell stormed back to the bedroom. His father left without saying goodbye, and that night, Campbell burrowed against Cassandra's shoulder as he cried. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to hit things, and break things, and make people hurt. He didn't understand it, but it was something he knew how to do. Sam woke up a few days later, and their parents brought him home after a week and a half in the hospital. Campbell stayed away a bit longer to give them time to take care of Sam; something had gone wrong in the hospital, but no one said what. Campbell barely ate. He didn't speak. Not to anyone besides Cassandra, anyways. She was the one who told him the news first, after she'd listened in on her parents talking. "They said Sam can't hear anymore," Cassandra whispered. "Not at all." Campbell didn't believe her, not until he finally was allowed back home and saw it for himself. Sam was crying, and wouldn't stop crying. When Campbell tried to see him, to talk to him, their parents shooed him out of the room. The days dragged on with no improvement. Take out containers piled up around the kitchen, and Campbell spent most of his time in his room. He'd try to read, or do puzzles, or kick a ball around the house. Alone. Always alone. Sometimes, he didn't see Sam for days. Even when he did, it was through the doorway of Sam's room, and Sam would just be laying in bed or screaming. Something inside Campbell snapped. Campbell remembered in vivid detail the day it happened. The day he changed. It was two weeks after Sam had come home. It had been over a month since Sam had first gotten sick. Every day had been worse than the last, with their mother sleeping at weird hours and their father growling at him at every little thing. He knew, in the way that five year olds knew, that his parents had to take care of Sam. But what about him? What about story time, or singing, or watching silly movies together? Things had just started feeling normal, and now it was all gone again. He was alone again. If Sam never got better, what would that even mean? He didn't know, and no one would explain. Campbell stood alone in the dining room, surrounded by clutter and white, dirty foam boxes that were starting to smell. That hot feeling was back, burning his chest, and Campbell had to let it out. He picked up one of the foam boxes and threw it. He threw another, and another, but it wasn't enough. That's when he picked up his toy ball, and hurled it into the living room. There was a loud crash, and his parents came running out. His mother said something, but Campbell didn't know what, because his father was already yelling at him. "What did you do that for?" his father shouted. "Your mother was trying to sleep. Don't you know how hard she has to work around here?" Campbell said nothing. "Answer me!" Silence. "Fine. Apologize to your mother and go to your room." Campbell opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He wasn't sorry. He didn't feel bad. He didn't feel anything. He went to his room without a word, and he stayed there until he was called. And that was what life became, most days. Wake up, get dressed, wait to be called for breakfast, return to his room, stare at his plate at lunch and eat almost nothing, return to his room, pick at dinner, bathe and brush his teeth, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. Some days he would go to see Cassandra, but they just sat on the swingset and stared out at the woods, without speaking. Nothing mattered anymore. What was there to talk about? When his parents caught him playing with matches, they hid them. When they caught him cutting holes in his clothes and in his bedding, they hid those, too. Forks and knives were moved to higher shelves when Campbell took to stabbing himself in the hand with them, just to see if it still hurt. It did, but he didn't cry. It just didn't matter. No one did anything, not even Aunt Amanda and Uncle Jim, not even when he yanked the heads off Allie's dolls and pushed Cassandra off a swing. Cassandra didn't cry. She just got up and kicked him in the shin, and that was the last time Campbell ever pushed her. Hurt someone, and they hurt you back. Except, sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they'd let you. Once he turned six and entered kindergarten, he learned that when he got into a fight with another kid over a toy. Campbell punched the other kid in the face, and for a tiny moment, he felt happy. He felt excited. He wanted to feel that again, and so he picked fights with more kids over the span of a few days, until parents began to complain and teachers spoke to his mother and father after school. "If you keep fighting," Cassandra said when she came over to play, "they'll send you away to a special school." Campbell frowned. "You're lying." "Am not. I heard my mom say to your mom." After that, Campbell stopped fighting with the other kids. He stuck to himself, watching them while he played alone. He learned more about them that way-- their names, their likes, their dislikes. He learned what made them laugh and what made them cry. Sometimes at home, he would copy the way their faces looked when they were happy or sad. Campbell was bored. He felt itchy, like he wanted to move and keep moving but couldn't. He missed that feeling of excitement. But at least he wasn't being sent away, and the more he practiced being like the other kids, the less his parents yelled at him. It was good enough. A year passed. Sam was tutored at home, and Campbell learned from the tutor how to talk to Sam using sign language. It took about a year to be able to really have a conversation with his little brother; he didn't put as much effort into it as he knew he should have, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Sam was only four years old. Anything he really needed to say, he said to their parents. Sometimes he would ask Campbell to play, but Campbell was six years old and struggling to fit in with other first graders. He came home exhausted and frustrated, and would usually end up snapping at Sam. It wasn't a surprise when Sam began to distance himself. And it only got worse. Campbell was angry all the time and couldn't make it stop. Any time the teacher tried to make him do oral reports or work in groups with classmates, he would break down. He didn't know what was going on, and his parents simply brushed it off as him being difficult. Teachers looked the other way. Classmates began to whisper about him when they thought he couldn't hear. Campbell managed to keep himself from lashing out at Sam, but walls, plates, and other inanimate objects began to suffer worse than ever. "Why won't they listen?" Campbell asked Cassandra one day. "They never listen to me. They just spend all their time worrying about Sam." Cassandra shrugged. "Sometimes you have to make them listen." He didn't know how. He threatened to run away, to hurt himself. Nothing. Sam had become one of them-- only approaching him when their parents wanted to order Campbell to come to dinner or brush his teeth or do his chores. There was only one place in the world where Campbell felt like he could just be himself-- when he was with Cassandra, though their visits had grown fewer and farther in between as Campbell spiraled. Soon, her parents stopped letting him visit altogether. That loss of support was the finale straw. Campbell went into the living room weeks after his final visit with Cassandra. His parents had gotten Sam a bird for his birthday; they always gave Sam everything he wanted. Everything. Sam was the only one who mattered to them. Campbell stared at the little green and yellow thing, shrieking and flapping in its cage; he'd finally thought of a way to make his parents listen to him. He opened the window, then reached into the cage and grabbed the bird. Campbell threw the bird out the open window, and headed back up to his bedroom. It was about an hour before anyone noticed. He could hear Sam screaming, and their parents were at his bedroom door in minutes. "What did you do with Oliver?" his father boomed. "Do you have him?" Campbell barely blinked. "I don't have him." "Where did you put him?" "Outside." His mother stared at Campbell like he had two heads. "Why would you do that? What is wrong with you?" Those words hung in the air, and Campbell didn't know what to say. He just gazed back at her and shrugged, silent. They hauled him downstairs and shoved him out the door, demanding he take them to where he put Oliver. Campbell obeyed, hesitating when he didn't see Oliver anywhere. How far could a pet bird go? His father started yelling, like always. They kept pushing him to look harder, to tell the truth, to take them to the bird, but he couldn't. The bird wasn't where he'd left it. He was grounded, indefinitely. Sam wouldn't look at him. A few days later, their mother came inside with a shoebox, her face grim. They sat Campbell down, and showed him what was inside. Campbell stared at the dead bird, bile rising in the back of his throat. "Did you do this?" his mother asked. "No! I swear, I only let him outside." "Tell us the truth." "I am!" His parents exchanged a look. They didn't believe him. Campbell could tell. They left the room, and he could hear Sam wailing a few moments after. Campbell sat at the table, looking down at his hands as his thoughts raced. He hadn't meant this. He'd just wanted to upset Sam a little, get their parents to react. He just wanted them to talk to him, to take him to talk to someone. He wanted to feel like he mattered. Now, he just felt... empty. Lost. Sam came in. His eyes were red and swollen. He was still crying, and he was signing something at Campbell. Why. Over and over and over, just... why. Campbell didn't know how to answer. He'd never bothered to learn how to say things like because I'm angry, because mom and dad love you more, because I need help, because there's something wrong with me. So he just did what he did before, and said nothing. That was the first time Sam looked at him with hatred. Campbell stood and brushed past Sam, heading back to his room. Something twisted in his stomach, but he didn't know what. He couldn't tell, and he didn't want to. Like cancer, if it was named, it would be real. He didn't want any of it to be real.

He just wanted to fade away.

[simplyolivers]

yeethaw and howdy once again partners, it’s me your least favorite texan sierra. i’ve had this character in mind from like the day that i picked up isa & seren, and now i can finally pick up my pure son. now let me introduce you to oliver park-davies.

ROSS BUTLER - OLIVER PARK-DAVIES identifies as CIS-MALE and uses HE/HIM pronouns. they’re a SINGER/ACTOR, and they’re only TWENTY-FOUR! they’re said to be EMPATHETIC, but also PROTECTIVE. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE PHILANTHROPIST in the tabloids. 

biography:

the bibliomaniac + the academic  — aka his early years [ 0 to 12. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ]

oliver park-davies was born to two extremely loving parents, and his seven other siblings of which he was the oldest, they were this gigantic loving family, and everybody wanted to be like them

okay well when i say loving i mean that’s how they appeared on the outside, his family was very broken, his parents constantly on the edge of divorce, him and his siblings didn’t get along at all, and in the park-davies house there was always something to argue about

the park-davies were billionaires, this was due to their extremely successful business endeavors, and knew when and where to invest their money they had enough money to buy whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, they never looked at the price tag, to quote sahar, “they want it, they got it.”

his parents often tried to basically bribe their kids to love them because they were honestly the worst, they often emotionally abused their children, and neglected them, and the only time that their parents did want anything to do with them is when they needed to make a public appearance

was very much the rich kid that raised by nannies and butlers rather than his actual parents, and in a weird way he sorta became this surrogate parent for his siblings, he was the one they looked up to and came to for advice that sorta thing

oliver,,,just needed something anything to take his mind of it, so immediately he threw himself into studying and books, and to quote matilda, “the books gave him a comforting message...you are not alone.”

his parents ended up figuring out that their son was smart, like hella smart, by 10 he’d mastered latin, and by 11 he was already reading at college level

bUT despite being able to graduate college by 12 at the rate he was going he wanted as normal of a childhood as possible, and so he continued with his regular grade level, and tried his best to be ‘normal’ fun fact: he often dumbs himself down bc he doesn’t like people treating him differently 

honestly his love of books got to the point that his room essentially turned into a small library of it’s own, it got to the point where his parents reluctantly gave him his own room to house all of his books

the paracosmist + the black sheep  — aka his teen years [ 13 to 18. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ]

books weren’t the only thing that oliver found his passion for, when he enrolled in his school’s choir, he realized his love for singing

he wanted to share his music with people without having the recognition, so he uploaded a lot of his music to soundcloud under an alias ( vc: conan gray / cavetown )

he gained a massive following, that not even he expected, which would seem like a great thing if he wasn’t expected by his parents to take on the family business 

one day his parents sat him down and he saw it a good a time as ever to tell his parents about the success he hoped to gain from singing, his parents cut him off immediately and told him that his father was suffering from cancer

due to his revelation his parents ostracized him more than they did before, and slowly but surely he began to be iced out, no longer showing up in appearances, and just avoiding any press altogether 

as his father got increasingly more sick, oliver began to realize the mistake that he made, and on his death bed oliver promised his father that he would do as both of his parents wished and take over the family business

oliver had the scores to get to any school that he wanted and decided on business school at nyu, where his father was an alumni, the agreement that he had with his mother was that once he graduated he’d begin shadowing his mother to learn to run the company

the school and the city itself was immediately overwhelming to my smol bean who came from not so humble beginnings in his small town, and he was unsure of where he belonged in this huge school

until!!!!! he found friends!!!! and they made him feel accepted!!! and it was great!!!!

once his friends heard his voice and of his dreams they encouraged him to join the university’s men’s choir, and was prompted by the director to join the university’s theatre department, where he appeared in a majority of the school’s plays and musicals

he was discovered one night at this open mic thing he went to and it was great! he was signed to a record deal with eden’s label! and my bby’s dreams were finally coming true!!! 

lmao but the one condition that he did have for eden was that he had to graduate school first, and it was accepted

the philanthropist + the goofball + the broken bird  — aka his current years [ 19 to current. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. ]

he graduated early! because of course he did

his mom was expecting him to come back to texas and maintain the family business, but he pulled a whole uno reverse card, and ended up disappearing from whatever world it is that him mom lived in

he became pretty successful in the music industry, coming from this cool indie artist that only about a few hundred people knew about to this seemingly overnight sensation

my bb is still v e r y unused to the attention, mostly because his parents never gave it to him and he was like, adoration???? attention??? care??? what’s that

is a huge dork that just loves to make people smile and when he sees people genuinely happy his heart melts a little bit inside

is very much the shoulder to cry on for people, and even if he doesn’t know you he’ll sit and listen to your whole life story and just try to cheer you up because that’s just in his nature?

has started his acting career! first it was just cute small little cameos in movies and tv shows, but now it’s turned into him getting his own show!!! he couldn’t be more excited tbh

remember how i said that he’d sit and listen to a stranger cry? if he shows even the slightest bit of emotion that isn’t happiness he starts malfunctioning and just trying to make the people around him happy

he’s honestly probably said, “alright i have to go back to being funny again.” to himself so many times before??? he’s so broken on the inside but has just put up so many barriers 

despite the many walls he has to protect himself from other people, he’s just the nicest purest soul, he treats everyone like his family, and just has the insatiable need to be liked dkkfkdkd, pls be fragile with my boy thanks

[bubblebubblebath]

I often neglect what I felt for how long as I could remember growing up but it begins to affect me now.

When I was a kid, I kept telling mother that my nanny always scold me but she never believe me. Until one day, long after nanny stopped working for us, and we went to her house for a visit, we found her tied to the bed. The family told us, she was insane that the family has to tie her hands and legs.

Primary school, mother scolded me saying i have no rights to order my sibslings around when she saw me calling my siblings to come home because it was almost sunset. She also always question me weird things when father wasnt home and always making me look bad in front of father. She also slapped me when I didn’t answer her, by now when I think back, I think she was provoking me but luckily I didn’t act the other way round. God knows where would I be now if I did.

Highschool, teen phase where I started buying the cosmetics. I was 15. I’m not sure how other mothers will react to this but mine called me “bohsia” (prostitute) when i was on my way out with my makeup on. How can you blame me for what I did after that, pfft. Okay kidding, I am proud of my previous self for knowing the Dos & the Donts and for still remembering, no matter how awful the parents treated me, they’re still my parents. Not sure if I already got the derhaka title on my forehead to them but I believe God knows and God is watching.

I grew up thinking I will never be good enough or am I doing the right thing, or will they ever pay attention when I talk. I dont share the same interests as my mother and father such as I was into bowling but father is into golf. Whenever I told him I got into bowling tournaments, he only gave me the “yea yea” reaction, never bother but it’ll be the other way round if its my other siblings.

One time, I decided to join golf-club at school, because my roommate was in it too. Only then, my father started gave attention to me. He even brought me to KLCC to get me the drive-set! But we ended up with a glove because the sets were all too expensive, cuz, KLCC. But I felt sad, when he only look at me when I joined the golf club.

I’m turning 28 this year but things just got worse, parents are still the same and it’s eating me up and starting to affect my daily emotions and I hate it. Day by day, I became a hateful person and I am disliking myself for that.

I dont believe in therapist, they won’t give me the solution and it’s expensive. Dont give me “change your mindset/stay positive” shits. What do you think I was doing my whole life?

The first things I always pray to God is always “please open their hearts to accept me” as for my entire life, I never feel accepted in my own family. I grew up with different mother-figure every year, depending who was my close friend at that moment.

The person who I always cried to left me when I was 13. She passed away, left me crying every night for I have no one else to go to anymore. Even in mom’s side big family, my grandma disliked me too cuz she preferred my same-age cousin who is great in the kitchen, unlike me. Whenever we go to sleep, I will placed my pillow next to grandma but she will faced the other side, since she preferred my cousin more. So basically, this is what I faced when I was small.

I grew up trying to win my mother, father, and grandma’s hearts and it was very difficult but I still kept my chin up, playing dumb when inside, I kept on thinking about suicide but ustazah told me, suicide is not the solution because the malaikat will come and ask questions and of course I wasn’t and still not ready for that.

Between me and my grandma, we had a good bond before she passed away. Ever since she got sick, cousin ditched her and that’s why, grandma started to treat me nicely. I wasnt holding grudges against grandma, i accepted her like nothing happened, but I will never forget.

I grew up telling people when they asked, I kept repeating the same answer, “me and parents, we don’t talk, we are not close”. Just imagine a 10 years old girl saying that. 18 years later, still the same answer.

Right now I’m not sure what to do. I need help but I don’t believe in therapists. I’m not sure if I should start taking medicines because I am totally emotionally unstable and it’s getting hard to control it nowadays and I don’t like how myself turned out.

God please help me, I need help.

8/6/19

[bpdeadd]

I hate fucking family therapy sm omfg I don’t want to do it - its part of a thing for my sisters treatment before she starts cbt, but all ppl do is assume shit about me, make me out to be this angry toxic person who starts fights w everyone all the time (even tho its bc my mum says smth problematic n I challenge her on it bc thats just how I am when I disagree w smth and its basically smth thats is attacking someone for BEING THEM OR THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS I'll say smth n then ofc an argument will ensue FROM THEM BC HOW DARE I SAY ANYTHING THAT IS DIFFERENT TO THEM (this is literally like my family all say racist shit, are friends w apparent pedophiles who are acting all predatory towards a 14 y/o who they invited round to a party they had((girl was a daughter of one of their friends)) and blamed the girl for the attention she was getting bc of how she was dressed, they are ableist, homophobic, transphobic, claim non binary ppl don’t exist, agree w apparently punishing ppl in poverty for BEING poor, and are ok w animal abuse AND THATS JUST THE SURFACE BUT I’M WRONG FOR ARGUING W THEM WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS AND SAY ALL THIS SHIT) but apparently I'm the one who starts arguments for standing up for ppls basic human rights and against stigma on mental illness and any type of animal abuse but w/e and other such things) and from today I now know my parents literally know NOTHING about me but then complain saying I never tell them anything or share my feeling even tho when I do I'm called an attention seeker, I'm making my mental illness up for attention and they invalidate me so I choose not to say anything, call me lazy bc I struggle to do shit (lit depression and adhd make me struggle w shit but they don’t care about that) and then complain that I'm always in my room and I'm like gee I wonder why, and my sister saying that I should say stuff and ask for support like idfk what family she's been living with but our parents aren’t like that at all??? its only been money that they’ve been concerned about and not our emotional needs or anything - they neglect us, emotionally and verbally abuse us and sometimes physically if we do smth they don’t like or stand up for ourselves to them, and try to control us even tho we are both over the age of 18 AND 21 and have no right to treat us like that at all - even as kids, BUT OKAY SURE 

and I'm just sat there getting more angry about shit and them saying that I should and can control my emotions and I'm like FIRST OF ALL YOU LITERALLY CAN’T CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS ESPECIALLY FOR A PERSON WITH BPD ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW??? telling me to control my emotions is basically just telling me to not be mentally ill like thats not how my brain fucking works or how this mental illness works are you fucking for real and the therapists don’t say shit except agree w EVERYTHING my parents are saying and should I fucking be surprised at this point??? the look in that one woman's face last year when we started this whole bullshit when I told them I had been diagnosed w bpd spoke fucking volumes AND THE FACT THE OTHER WOMAN SAID THAT A DIAGNOSIS MEANS NOTHING AND I SHOULDN’T STICK TO LABELS AND I’M LIKE LITERALLY ABOUT TO MURDER EVERYONE IN THE ROOM BUT W/E

[icharchivist]

eh okay so it's gonna get extremely personal despite it looking like i'm rambling about a game, and there's.... mentions of how bad my mental health had gone, so s.elf h.arm and such,  so. ye. Fair warning.

I've been crying for five minutes (edit: it had been 5 mins when I started writting this post, now it's been half a hour, fml) over Sera's "Do everything for everyone, get sick. Not right." when she comments on the inquisitor's hand getting worse in worse and how she's worried for her and how she needs to make everyone know how great the inquisitor is.

Like istg d/ai may be the da game with the least interesting /plot/ but the companions had hit such cords with me and that fucking line. That. Fucking line. I started playing Da when I was having a very bad mental health episode. Like, I was seriously being miserable when I started d/ao.

Things... hadn't calmed down, but DA gave me a real distraction from everything. Mental breakdowns happen less often. I have less episodes. When they happen they are truly bad, but it's not as often as it was before.

Playing those games gave me a sense of purpose and made me want to wake up in the morning and do stuff. And put myself a goal. That hadn't happened to me in ways too long. Which is kinda why i fell this deeply into da and how much I want to cherish it no matter what, that i don't want to let negative stuff ruin that.

Lately..... no in general, over the course of this last year, reflecting on my mental health - the main point I keep thinking over and over again is how much I basically wasted my whole life taking care of people around me, and how those very people pushed me to my limits to the point of breaking.

I don't know when my d/epression really started - my therapist told me i had symptoms since i'm 7 because of some occurances that happened to me, I can pinpoint my 13th yo as probably the biggest point I couldn't ignore it anymore since it's when I started self harming to cope with all this frustration I had inside me. But up until my 19yo, I tried. I was thinking that no matter what I wanted to be stronger than this, to overcome this. And help as much as I could meanwhile.

It's not like I could ignore the problems around me, I had to fix my parents's mess, my parents's mental health, I had to fix everything, and I had very few friends before high school, and I was always doing emotional labor for everyone I met. Before meeting my High school friends, it's not like i could rely on anyone - and it took me years to rely on my high school friends, after years of being close to them. And even know, I don't rely on anyone I trust as much as I could. as I should.

Then I had that major mental breakdown. The Infamous one lmao. Too many things accumulating at once. Before I turned 18, all I was thinking was "at least live until you pass your diploma", and once it was done I realized I spent my whole life fixing so much shit I hadn't projected myself further. I've been terrified ever since. That mental breakdown happened while i was having this crisis, and my studies, my father and some friends pushed my limits further, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.

Ever since that, I had felt like a failure. Like I couldn't even act properly, I couldn't even be a proper person. That no matter what I do, I can't even stand the pressure.

I got physical sickness out of my shitty mental health. Eczema, one of those instance that turned into a deadly sickness that I hadn't treated correctly because I was busy fixing others stuff- still now I have that fucking eczema on my hand I can't seem to get rid off, for years now. Because of stress, my stomach is barely functionable. I had a lot of panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and s/uicidal idealization, big zoning out episodes that had put me in danger (multiple time I was.. coming back from school, and I just. zoned out in the middle of the street and I almost got ran over by a car. Very close. And it was shaking me back into reality and i was breaking down crying at the corner of the street. It happened about 3 times a day which was one of the reasons i dropped school since i was having panic attacks in class and those stuff happening when out of class).

And I felt like a failure. So damn much. That everything i've done, everything i've tried to do to help the world get better around me wasn't enough. That I wasn't strong enough.

I'm taking medications that almost completely negated the nightly panic attacks at least, most of them anyway - which makes that when they happen, they are a hundred times worse than before. My spiral downs are even worse because I try to balance it out.

And I felt terrible for years. Recovery scares me because at this point I don't know what to "recover".

And....... This past few months i've been thinking. A lot. Instead of feeling like a failure, what I end up thinking now is that it's the world around me that failed me. I've done everything for everyone. I was 7, my sister ran away from home, and I was the one trying to hold the family together, being there for my mother, being there for my other sister who was closing of to me, defending them against my father's mean comments about it, while i was being bullied at school. And no one was there for me. I was 13 when my parents divorced, and I was there for my mother, who was lamenting, in her worst mental state, while my father was planning to strip her from everything, ruining her reputation, and I was managing it so he wouldn't be ruining her life, all while my sister blissfully ignored all of it and decided to cut ties with us for over a year - while i was bullied in classes, and had to move out, adapting to a new environment when i was bullied again, in a step family that was snarky, always degrading. And No one was there for me.

I was almost 15 when I got that fucking deadly disease spreading over my chest. Took months to be able to talk it out to one of my parents, for one of them to care. a fucking disease born out of stress, because I was managing another moving out, because I was adapting to a new school where, news flash, I was bullied, while my mom was always lamenting, asking me to do everything for her, while i was fighting another trial my father planned for us, aptemping to make our lives even more difficult, degrading us, while my sister was still blissfully ignoring us despite the fact we were in contact again. I got yelled at by the doctor because I was close to be hospitalized because of how much I neglected my own physicaly health. And all I was thinking was that I couldn't just stop because of that.

I was 17 when I ended up in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship who changed me for the worst, pushed me to isolation, and had me lost everything i had built before that, along with part of myself. And I was alone. Couldn't speak to it to my family bc they acted extremely homophobic at the idea i was in relationship with a girl, the couple of friends i had back then were too hurt by my actions that they never talked to me again, and my ex was blackmailing me all the time. And I had to get out of it alone.

And it goes on and on and on and on. I can't remember a time i wasn't actively struggling with keeping everything around me from falling apart.

And at this point, i'm so angry. Those last few months, i've felt so angry, and frustrated. I've done everything, for everyone, all my life, and it ruined me mentally and physically. And I don't even know why I should want to carry on. what I should want to live now.

I feel like I lost about 20 years of my life trying to keep everything from falling apart to the point I barely know how to keep myself together now. That I can't project myself, that I can't see further than my own private bubble.  And i'm too tired to try to fix things again. Even if it's fixing myself. I'm just tired.

For months I've been frustrated now. I guess i still consider myself a bit of a failure, but I end up thinking it's everyone around me who failed me. Everyone who should have been there when I needed, who should have let me be someone. And now I'm asked to find my path, to do my studies, find a job, and i'm terrified.

"Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right."

This had been the center of all my frustrations those past few months and i'm actually still crying right now, what the fuck. Y'know, funnily enough, that's also why I hadn't forgiven BW's "you make saving the world look easy. the rest of us can only dream of matching what you've done" - because if there's anything i've managed to do with Laena as a character, is making a balance of showing she feels like she's falling apart, but will try to be cheerful so people don't suspect she's terrified of having to handle everything. This is probably the most personal thing I managed to ever put in a character, the game allowed me to create this balance that is extremely personal to me. So when he said that, i took it personally. Because if anything, I never let anyone see how I was falling apart. I would crack a joke and cheer someone up.

And I think about it because I remember I've been so upset at this one line, that it made me actually cry the first time i heard it.

And now it's Sera's. "Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right.". It had to hit right where it hurt. Right where it was too personal.

honestly d/ai is.... so flawed, but the companions had been such a strength to me, and I mentioned once that seeing them playing Wicked Grace had me cry because it looks like how we play games with my friends. My close friends. Those I took years to be able to rely on, and that are now probably my only driving force. Even if i don't rely on them as much as I should, as they tell me to. So also the fact Sera adds a bit later "i will make them know she had- has friends" i'm just.

Damn i didn't think i'd be crying for 30  minutes over pre-written letters in a game that hit right the cord. They got to hit the most personal part of myself in a few lines.

I don't even know how bad this dlc will get, but man. Nothing will top that.

God i have such a violent headache after crying this much istg. gdi Sera.