bubblebubblebath

[bubblebubblebath]

This is by far the loneliest birthday ever

[bubblebubblebath]

Fuck you

[bubblebubblebath]

I have nothing nice to say anymore.

[bubblebubblebath]

I often neglect what I felt for how long as I could remember growing up but it begins to affect me now.

When I was a kid, I kept telling mother that my nanny always scold me but she never believe me. Until one day, long after nanny stopped working for us, and we went to her house for a visit, we found her tied to the bed. The family told us, she was insane that the family has to tie her hands and legs.

Primary school, mother scolded me saying i have no rights to order my sibslings around when she saw me calling my siblings to come home because it was almost sunset. She also always question me weird things when father wasnt home and always making me look bad in front of father. She also slapped me when I didn’t answer her, by now when I think back, I think she was provoking me but luckily I didn’t act the other way round. God knows where would I be now if I did.

Highschool, teen phase where I started buying the cosmetics. I was 15. I’m not sure how other mothers will react to this but mine called me “bohsia” (prostitute) when i was on my way out with my makeup on. How can you blame me for what I did after that, pfft. Okay kidding, I am proud of my previous self for knowing the Dos & the Donts and for still remembering, no matter how awful the parents treated me, they’re still my parents. Not sure if I already got the derhaka title on my forehead to them but I believe God knows and God is watching.

I grew up thinking I will never be good enough or am I doing the right thing, or will they ever pay attention when I talk. I dont share the same interests as my mother and father such as I was into bowling but father is into golf. Whenever I told him I got into bowling tournaments, he only gave me the “yea yea” reaction, never bother but it’ll be the other way round if its my other siblings.

One time, I decided to join golf-club at school, because my roommate was in it too. Only then, my father started gave attention to me. He even brought me to KLCC to get me the drive-set! But we ended up with a glove because the sets were all too expensive, cuz, KLCC. But I felt sad, when he only look at me when I joined the golf club.

I’m turning 28 this year but things just got worse, parents are still the same and it’s eating me up and starting to affect my daily emotions and I hate it. Day by day, I became a hateful person and I am disliking myself for that.

I dont believe in therapist, they won’t give me the solution and it’s expensive. Dont give me “change your mindset/stay positive” shits. What do you think I was doing my whole life?

The first things I always pray to God is always “please open their hearts to accept me” as for my entire life, I never feel accepted in my own family. I grew up with different mother-figure every year, depending who was my close friend at that moment.

The person who I always cried to left me when I was 13. She passed away, left me crying every night for I have no one else to go to anymore. Even in mom’s side big family, my grandma disliked me too cuz she preferred my same-age cousin who is great in the kitchen, unlike me. Whenever we go to sleep, I will placed my pillow next to grandma but she will faced the other side, since she preferred my cousin more. So basically, this is what I faced when I was small.

I grew up trying to win my mother, father, and grandma’s hearts and it was very difficult but I still kept my chin up, playing dumb when inside, I kept on thinking about suicide but ustazah told me, suicide is not the solution because the malaikat will come and ask questions and of course I wasn’t and still not ready for that.

Between me and my grandma, we had a good bond before she passed away. Ever since she got sick, cousin ditched her and that’s why, grandma started to treat me nicely. I wasnt holding grudges against grandma, i accepted her like nothing happened, but I will never forget.

I grew up telling people when they asked, I kept repeating the same answer, “me and parents, we don’t talk, we are not close”. Just imagine a 10 years old girl saying that. 18 years later, still the same answer.

Right now I’m not sure what to do. I need help but I don’t believe in therapists. I’m not sure if I should start taking medicines because I am totally emotionally unstable and it’s getting hard to control it nowadays and I don’t like how myself turned out.

God please help me, I need help.

8/6/19