#like my social anxiety has been hitting for the last few hours

[sluttyten]

🥶

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting to spend a night out with a guy?

I'm twenty, study in university and still live with my parents. I've been planning to move out since I was eighteen, but they told me to keep living at home and not get a job so I could focus on studying while they take care of me financially. This arrangement has worked mostly well in the past years save for a few small conflicts, but it's escalated in the past 3-4 months.

The issue is my time schedule. I have a very active social life, am active in the local art scene, do political work and a lot of extracurricular stuff for university (I'm a straight A student, I might add!). Because of this, and because I'm a natural night owl, I usually come home late several days a week (between 10pm and 2am) and stay out all day for most of the week. This means I can't do a lot of chores, and usually there's a lot of housework because my mum has a bit of a cleaning anxiety and wants to make sure everything is spotless 24/7.

Enter this guy, I'll call him Tim. I met him at a festival last summer and we became long distance friends. Tim has visited me for a day several times before, but this weekend he offered to come over for two days and we agreed to spend the night stargazing together without sleeping. I loved the idea and immediately said yes. It was gonna be just us, a couple energy drinks, and some bench in the city center, and I was really looking forward to it.

The thing is, my mum does not like Tim. Like, at all. She thinks he seems very sleazy and generally distrusts him because he feels "too nice" for her. Mind you, he's just a somewhat shady looking guy who is generally pretty anxious he might make a bad impression, so he overperforms the whole "respectable member of society" act a bit around new people. I've introduced him to my friend group and even the more sceptical people absolutely love him and think he's a very sweet, helpful person. In basically every stressful situation I've ever seen him in he's been deescalating, protective and helpful, and he has on several occasions been my first source of comfort when things went to hell.

Today I told my mum in an offhanded comment that I won't come home between Sunday and Monday and the situation escalated completely. She was crying, accusing me of ruining her month, saying I didn't care about this family, it got ugly. The main point she had was that I was staying out all night with someone who's a total stranger to her and she doesn't trust him at all. In the end we compromised that Tim and I would spend the night awake, but not in the city, at home.

I feel really humiliated by this whole situation and honestly, kind of betrayed, because I was promised stuff like this wouldn't happen, and it just hits in a much safer situation than ones I've been in before (I used to get blackout drunk and sleep at parties a lot.). I'm a legal adult, have been for years now and it's so disappointing that my parents still treat me like a child sometimes and are so judgy towards my friends too. At the same time, I'm wondering whether I've acted wrong too by not telling her about this earlier and not taking her concerns that seriously. I forget sometimes that I talk to Tim every day for hours, but my parents only briefly ran into him once, so of course their view of him is skewed.

PS: I should add that when I told him about this, he immediately apologized, asked if I needed anything or wanted to change the plan and decided to dig out the least offensive outfit he could find so he'd make a good impression on my parents. So he's definitely trying his best.

[genderfluid-insomniac]

Prompt: A finds one of those foam noodle things you play with in the pool while shopping with their partner, and A challenges B to a noodle duel. (Sun Wukong x reader)

MK had decided that you all should have a day at the beach to relax because of everything that’s happened in the past year with all the world/universe-threatening events plaguing the city. You had been issues with the job of gathering floaties and pool noodles (ironically something he couldn’t do what with organizing the entire thing) for people who couldn’t swim all that well or at all. A few people ultimately didn’t swim that great who were getting tips from Sandy who was fittingly enough a swim coach and lifeguard certified (hell you wouldn’t be surprised if he was also trained in first aid or CPR).

So here you were strolling down the aisles of Target for pool/beach supplies with your cart weighed down a fair amount by your companion. You had invited him to come with you since he’s kind of a shut in with social anxiety and you wanted company, totally not because you had said he wouldn’t last half an hour in public. “Wukong can you get out of the damn cart?! You’re so heavy and I don’t have supernatural strength.” He groaned loudly and squirmed around so the Monkey King was now facing you, his tail whipping around with irritation clear on his face.

“If it were up to me, I’d still be on my beautiful mountain with the rest of my family but no you had to use my pride and arrogance against me-” Interrupting him, you turned your head and lit up when you saw the aisle you were looking for. “Yeah you’ve had hundreds of years to work on that so don’t blame me. Also you actually do need to get out so we can fill the cart.” There was a reason you’d gotten a cart and not a basket since you’d be getting only a few things but they’d be sizable, some grumbling could be heard in the background and what sounding like your voice being mocked.

You began to walk toward a shelf containing inflatable tubes and rafts of all different colors, grabbing a few and putting them into the cart when you hit on the back with a foam rod. “What are you-” Turning around to see Sun holding a pool noodle in hand and tossing one to you, narrowing his eyes in a silent dare for you to pick it up and there was only one answer you could give back. You picked it up and took a defensive stance, rushing at him suddenly and swiping your foam tube at him. “Ha, gotta do better than that.”

The training you had was nothing and the aisle wasn’t that big so you could only go forward and backward, using the cart as a barrier and keeping it close to you. Ducking to avoid a thrust of his “sword” and perry to the best of your ability, quietly squeaking when the celestial primate jumped up onto the railing of the cart and tore the pool noodle out of your hand. “Fine. I give.” You put your hands in the air jokingly and rolled your eyes. Confused when he waved his hands like he was expecting more and groaned. “And fine you can ride in the cart! Get in, Wukong.” Smug bastard.

[never-not-ever]

The Last Hour

I'm scrolling on Tik Tok and I land on a clip from Girl Interrupted. It's not triggering or anything so I search "girl interrupted" and just scroll through there. Even a clip of Daisy's suicide didn't bother me.

What got to me was a clip of Lisa in the beginning being dragged out of a room about to be restrained and IM'd. That just brought me right back to the unit. How traumatizing it was, hearing restraints, seeing my close friends in the chair. Lisa in the clip begging "no" echoing what I heard on the unit.

So I went in my kitchen and sat down on the table. There's no chairs and it's not even used as a table it's just against the wall. This table has become a new place for me when things get too much. As I'm typing these words I'm realizing that this table is the corner at the end of the unit, in between a shower room and the QR. I'd sit in that corner because not a lot of people walked down that hall. That corner was my place to go on the unit when things got too much and now this table in my kitchen has become my place. Sad.

Back to the last hour. So I sit on the table and I start recording a video just to get the thoughts out of my head. I don't know why I didn't just type out a note, I guess it's easier to just talk. It was a short video just explaining what had happened (second paragraph up top). And then I was hit with this realization. You see I am my worst critic, I invalidate myself, I worry how things will look if x, y, and z happens. I tell myself you're just playing out these "would be" conversations because you want them to happen. You keep thinking you're going to end up back in the hospital because you want to go back...

I owe a lot more of an update than just the past hour but for the past 3 weeks yes it's been a worry. I've said "I'm surprised I'm not back yet" and "it's probably going to happen soon". But the past few days it's becoming more of a legit fear and I really want to have the conversation with my therapist tomorrow about it. She's a new therapist and I've said those two things above but like it's not actually talked about like reasons to go back, how I would feel, etc.. and for the first time I'm actually going into therapy knowing how I want the session to go.

And my point of this whole post is that I'm finally validating myself that no I do not want to go back to the hospital. My inner critic tells me all the time that I just miss the safety there and being cared for, that I want to go back and I don't need to go back. But after tonight why on earth would I want to go back to a place that has given me so many traumatic memories? Sure there was "safety" although in my case there was only so much they could do to keep me safe and I still found ways around it. Sure it was a "comfort" at times. The staff would listen and I could tell they cared.

But none of that outweighed how much the acuity of the unit affected me. For months all I wanted was to leave, was actually playing a role in my discharge and actively trying to make it happen. All I wanted was to leave, even the day I left when I was filled with so much anxiety and fear, I still wanted to leave. So why on earth would I want to return to that?

go out for a drive whenever I want

cooking

cuddling with my cats

spending time in the bathroom with privacy

walking around my apartment in shorts and a tank top

being able to take my time doing my nails

being able to use my laptop and phone while they're charging

sleeping in total darkness

It's a sad, short list that mostly involves being at home.. *spoiler alert* I'm not in PHP anymore and don't have a job nor do I have a social life. But we'll save all that for an actual update at some point? It's funny all I have is downtime, you'd think I'd be on here live blogging my pathetic excuse of a life.

But for real.. I've grown used to my comforts here and I know for a fact I'm not going back inpatient unless it's needed for my safety.

I guess this post was basically just me proving a point to myself.

[beingdreeyore]

I haven't been around here much lately. Haven't been reading up on everyone or updating about my own world. I'm not really sure why. I'm just busy, I guess.

Life is quiet, but not in a bad way. There have been some setbacks, but they've been manageable. There have been some wins, they've been appreciated.

I passed another assessment last week. I have more results coming out this week. I've prepared to fail the one this week as I know how low the average mark is, how few people pass, and how much I struggled to keep time in the exam. I'm prepared for it as much as you can be. The anxiety will still hit as I'm opening the result and there will be a sense of defeat and disappointment when I finally see the mark there. But I have my plan in place already to resit. I know where I went wrong.

A cardigan I lusted for three Christmases ago was suddenly re-released in a limited run and I spent more than I should on shipping to Australia. I've worked nearly 20 hours overtime this week. I earned it. I'm not even sure that's really who I am or if it's even my style anymore, but I wanted it for so long... I guess deep down I'm still daydreaming about that white Christmas that is unlikely to happen.

My dance studio closed and my teacher deleted a select few of us off her social media. There was no explanation. It was like getting dumped or ghosted without explanation or warnings. I've spoken to others though and it's funny, the thing they always say to me is how shocked they are that I was one of those deemed unworthy given the unwavering loyalty I showed her. It hurt at first but I've made peace with it now. I thought we were friends, she has clearly communicated we aren't. Life goes on. I've started looking at new studios, mainly to force myself out of my bubble but I don't know if I'll go. I'm in the gym four or five days a week and I dance once a week at home. I'm content in the bubble for now. I'm not lonely, but I wonder if I should be. I even thought about joining the weightlifting club in the city, but I don't know... They have a masters team and it would probably be good to meet people. The bubble is so nice right now though.

I'm on track to finally (FINALLY) be done with my psychiatry training at the end of August next year. My compulsory five years of psychiatry training will be up then and by some miracle I may actually finish all the assessments on time (which is very much the exception. The typical time is about 7 years). So big decisions are coming for my life. Where to next...? I think I'll leave the city. There's nothing here for me anymore. My closest friends all live in other cities and other countries. I'm still single. Once the paperwork comes through saying I'm finished I'm free to work as much or as little as my financial situation dictates - the hospital no longer gets to have a say. And for the first time I have some say over which hospital it will be. It gets overwhelming to think about. I don't tell anyone because everyone immediately wants to know what my plans are. I don't know yet. My plan is to keep crawling to the finish line. Beyond that? I have no clue.

So I guess that's me? It's not a lot, but it's okay. There are no men. No prospects. No echoes from the past. It's quiet. And that's okay. It's peaceful. My standards have changed. My non-negotiables too. If that keeps me alone, that's okay. Although if you knew how long it had been since... Ahem... Well, actually, you probably do know. I wrote about it at the time. It was the last time I saw J.

So that's life. And it's not a lot. But it really is okay.

[grasscore]

more bummer ramblings below

literally just sitting here crying my eyes out reading people's posts on the bipolar subreddit and like i dont know what to do with any of that.

i've been really scared that what i've been dealing with is addiction, because it felt like adhd impulsivity + stimulation craving but on steroids, like boosted to 100,000%

but idk the more i think about it all, it might be hypo/mania. like im basically nearing about 3 months of constantly just making connections between things in my head, sleeping for only a few hours a night, literally not doing my job, feeling extremely social but only online and completely neglecting irl relationships and responsibilities, not eating or drinking water, etc..

and some of it has been really good! like i have created some art and actually finished some shit for once whereas i usually just get really hype and start a project but never finish. so im happy about that, and i think its ok that i'm like.. trying to be more 'social' online because i work from home and because of covid don't have a ton of irl options for 'public' life. in ways it feels like an improvement to me where before i felt like absolutely 0 motivation at all, just sitting on tiktok for literally 6-10 hours per day (i basically havent even opened the app in like 2 months which felt like an improvement, but im now working WAY less even than when i was in that phase).. but the fact that this 'creative productivity and sociable/positive mood' is paired with me basically not doing my job AT ALL + not sleeping or eating, etc.. ive been feeling a little better in the past couple weeks because i thought like..maybe i have an 'addiction' or at the very least a destructive pattern so i thought the solution could be.. being mega aware of my actions at all times, meticulously tracking every hour of my day and recording what i do and making plans for every chunk of the day..which hasnt been hurting, it's helped me remember the really basic things, keeping my priorities 'straight' in theory. but every second of the day is this really uncomfortable restlessness and if i dont put my energy into a project or something that i'm excited about i feel like im crawling out of my skin.. ive been smoking like crazy. and now that ive finished my project i feel like im itching inside my skin lmao

idk especially reading people's posts on the reddit about how it's showed up throughout their life.. im just thinking about the year where i was 100% convinced that i was like.. in a simulation / samsara and that a meteor was coming.. and that i was getting visions of future iterations of the simulations thru my dreams. but i never told anyone about it because i was like,.. oh i dont actually believe these things, even though i'm terrified out of my mind thinking about them because they feel so real and if i see anything online that is slightly related to 'the simulation' or a meteor hitting earth i would spiral with paranoia and anxiety.

like i just feel like im screaming into the void in all my relationships trying to explain how out of control and scared i feel.. but everyone has just been like 'hey, it's alright, you seem fine to me, your standards for yourself are too high' and im like ok tell that to the fact i've worked maybe 5 hours a week every week for the last 3 months. like ive spent the last month pretty much terrified that im just going to keep making bad/impulsive decisions until i'm fired and/or dead

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

Thank you to everyone

The fire seems to have been electrical and started in the kitchen. No appliance was on or used in the last 24hrs so it might have been the qiring itself.

My beautiful girl was asleep when she succumbed to smoke and wasnt burned, when they found her. She just Went apparently. After a days distance, i take that a s consolation.

She is with the pet funeral service as they are goi g to cremate her, and she will return in a scatter box to be buried under a tree or plant that suits her personality when the grief is less like a throbbing wound.

Theres a cat tree comingfor her and i think it will be devastating when it arrives. So stupid, i know.

The whole place is torched. Even items not directly hit by flame are smoke damaged or crumble to the touch.

All my books, my clothes, the furniture. And i dobt really care. Its stuff,i will start again bc i have family and friends willing to help

But if i could have had one thing saved, it would have been my bubba, my little girl Zarya my family is distraught over her loss too, they saw her most weekends and when they visited. She was The Baby.

And of all things i was able to save something silly. A little tapastry thing id seqn to hang my badges on. Zarya 'helped' by trying to sit onit with the pins in and was offended when i moved her.. teenagers right? And then helped by playing Attack each time i moved itto putthe badges on.

I will miss her silliness and playful spirit.

Most of them were smoke coated but it came off well enough, a few are still damaged but i am going to try with a rough cloth or something. I cant replace most of them, they were from random kickstaers and shops and such over the years.

I have no undies and myboots melted and my daughter died and all my comics and manga are destoyed... buti got some of my badges back. Stupid isnt it?

The biggest issue is that mosthad thoselittle rubber backs and no qmount of scrubbing will remove the smokey firey smell from them meaning they arent safe to keep. Havr to replace them, have to get new things. Thinking about the safest wayto dispose of them i trash to prevent them ending upchoking fish or wildlife etc

And i think thats the worst part of grief, i have lost people and pets before to time or illness, but never anything like this. So young, so unexpected. So random.

The guilt eats you alive qith WHAT IFs and Could i have's...

There are moments you sob u controllably at a thought like knowing shell never snuggle up in bed like she did every night before... and then moments where everything is neutral and quiet and average. And you feel guilt for actingg like nothing has happened.

Life has to go on, but it hurts to see the wheels turning when shes noton the train anymore.

I have family qho i can be with, qork who will help me find somewhere new to stay as they hold the leases, and coworkers and friends who are sourcing things. I am luckier than many, 3ven with most things gone.

Its just that theres a switch inside that will hit grief at random times, and then snap back to nromalacy for hours until another reminder comes through.

Its so.stupid.

Its not fair and its fucking awful, but it happened and nothing can change it or bring her back. And that is just how random and cruel thw world can be.

My computer was annihilated so the typos are likely all through this. Its silly ut the idea of posting on social media where my friends and mutuals ive had for years are felt selfgratuitous in the worst way.

And over a day from the incident, i feel like srolling through tumblr ot twitter or whatever else is degrading her memory bc thats a normal activity, etc

Which is silly, but grief and anxiety and guilt are all buily into the same package and you never know which one will pop outof the box when the handles cranked.

But again, thank you for holding her little face in your hearts and memories.

She remains so fucking loved its like a physical pain, and that will never change. Forever the baby girl, forever Zarya.

[youtastelike-sunlight]

Hello, fellow disaster! I, personally, am a disaster because I'm asking this on Monday, rather than on Nice Ask day, but... What's something you do to reset when you've kind of reached your limit? Whether with work or social interaction or anything at all - what's your go-to relaxation reset???

Oh no, Nice Ask Day extending out into Nice Ask Week, what a tragedy for all of us. ❤️

Anyway, I completely forgot what my blog title was set to, and I read this message and was like "well I've only interacted directly with ccf a few times so far but I'm impressed by how thoroughly she has the measure of me, honestly" and then I remembered my blog name and now I'm marginally less impressed, sorry.

So there's the short-term answer and the long-term answer, or I guess the "I've reached my limit for right now" answer and the "Okay, I'm fully drowning" limit.

So. I'm a bit people'd out? One of my clients has been pissing me off? My dog's anxiety is playing up and he's been barking at every-fucking-thing all day? I am a Bath Bitch. When I was renting, I always did my level best to make sure I was living somewhere with a bath; once I became a homeowner, it became a requirement—twenty years of severe endometriosis/PCOS goes a long way to hammering home the virtues of a bathtub, but after yeeting my uterus last year they're a pure indulgence. I'm talking bubbles and candles and, like, two hours just soaking in the tub with a book (or fic).

But my major relaxation reset is driving. Properly driving, not city driving. When I'm on my own, I blast the absolute shit out of my driving playlist; when I have passengers, I usually crank it down just enough for conversation. But, yeah. There's a psychological root to this I won't bore y'all with, but driving is the one time I feel truly free and in control of my life (even flying isn't quite the same—probably because I have to concentrate on what I'm doing a little more lmao—although getting up in one of the open cockpit planes is pretty close) and I've definitely been known to just, like... get in the car and jump on the motorway out of town and back again if I'm truly spinning out. I'm gonna be back in the States in a few weeks for the first time since Covid kicked off and I cannot express how deeply I'm looking forward to hitting the open road, even if I will be on the wrong side of the car—the States does motorways much better than we do, and I'm not in the best place mental health-wise at the moment. (You know it's bad when I'm looking forward to being on the 5 again 😂)

[msommers]

sorry for your tummy hurty hours 😔 also betrayal, desire, midnight, and wound for riya and maeve!

i have in fact suffered tummy hurty hours for a second time since this ask so i'm cashing in 2x, thank you xoxo // oc asks: not-so-nice edition

betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them?

RIYA — a no on both accounts. maybe you could find some social drama from cumberland socialite days but that shit is so far beyond anything Serious compared to the goings on of the campaign that it hardly counts. actually, i lied. her brother sebastian constantly betrayed her trust by snitching anytime she did something he thought their mother would disapprove of, so he can choke. 

MAEVE — by someone she trusts, no. she learned her own lessons and had plenty of witchers to let her know how dangerous it can be to hand trust away easily, so that takes a while to build up. has probably been betrayed in general though, there are plenty of selfish people who would look at her generosity and willingness to work against “authority” and take advantage of it. 

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

RIYA — if we go with answering what she wants presently, i think with all the goofing and flirting and whining, it really boils down to her craving comfort. and that's probably easy to tell with or without an insight check because she's not trying to hide it, and it's clear to everybody who spends 10 minutes around her that she's having a dreadful time adjusting to life without her usual rich girl privileges. she wants to go back to lounging around and being fed little chocolates or w/e, this sucks. 

MAEVE — it's so cheesy that the first two things that popped to mind for her were to be loved and to make a difference. both are true, it just depends on the day which desire is at the top of her list. she's always happy to discuss the hopes that her works will potentially change people's prejudices, and that's something she puts effort into every day. the wanting to be loved is like. 30% of the time it can be obvious because she'll start alluding to it or even openly talking about it, then the other 70% it depends on if the person she's talking to is capable of reading her beyond the smiles and chatter. 

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?

RIYA — THE NEVERENDING NIGHTMARES, MY GUY. she’s lucky that the party’s grey warden duties usually wear them out enough through the day that the anxieties and nagging guilt can’t keep her from passing out, but the nightmares have been waking her early in the last few months. riya’s got her morning rituals: brushing out her hair and styling it according to vibes, going over her spellbook, debating with herself if it’s worth using some of her precious perfumes or oils, thinking about her family and nearly crumbling because of how terribly she misses them, reciting important quest information in her head to keep from forgetting it. you know, the usual.

MAEVE — her partners ey-ohhhhhhh. anyway all of the above, though it grows more infrequent as the years go by and she becomes accustomed to feeling safe. anxiety is probably the worst?? because it can sneak up on her without warning, especially if she knows somebody she cares about is off doing something dangerous. her go-tos on a sleepless morning are journaling or taking a bath, sometimes both if she's feeling frisky. 

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

RIYA — answered here.

MAEVE — she can take more hits than your average noble before going down but she’s still only a bard at the end of the day and absolutely in tears after just the first. she’s shaking, shouting her panic and trying to find cover but hey she’s not entirely useless, she might be able to shoot her bow from back there. can definitely provide colorful and fun commentary at the least. please give her medical attention and please make it intimate to encourage affection and vulnerability, thank you. most of her wounds are mental and leftover from the carden era tbh. worst wound has to default to the one that straight-up killed her for a hot minute, i imagine. fuck if i remember what it was but it sure does take the cake for being fatal.

[lalka-laski]

Do you believe you’ve met your soulmate or one of them?: I can confidently say I have.

When did you last have grape juice?: Last weekend I made a delicious batch of "faux champagne" with ginger ale, club soda, white grape juice, and grenadine. It was a hit!

Have you learned anything today?: Every day's a learning opportunity, isn't it?

Have you been to any parties here recently?: Well, it wasn't "here" but I went to a Galentine's day party last weekend. It was a blast!

Are you good at reading body language?: Honestly, not really. I see what I want to see. Or rather, what my anxiety wants me to see.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: 7ish maybe?

What were the last 3 emojis you used?: Pink heart, heart eyes face, and a donut. Boy, if that doesn't sum me up entirely...

Is it currently warm where you live?: It's been much warmer than a typical February. Or at least it was 'til today.

Do you use Facebook?: Yeah, kind of obsessively.

Do you like the smell of coconut?: I went through a major coconut lotion & perfume phase but I overdid it (go figure) and now I have a hard time stomaching it.

Do you prefer longer or short socks?: Short, if any at all.

What size shoe do you wear?: 9

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream?: Twist!

Do you or anyone you know have sleep apnea?: I know a few people

Where is your favorite place to be?: These days it's my bed with the lights turned off and some sort of "ambient" scene playing on my TV while I read my Kindle. Bonus pints if a candle's lit. It's bliss.

How many times have you fallen in the past year?: Too many.

Do you like to leave your window open at night or do you use a fan?: I love leaving the windows open when we can. But I still use a fan for white noise.

Is there a celebrity you dislike for no reason other than they annoy you?: Selena Gomez. I can't stand her but I can't provide any justification.

If you find a spider in your home, do you set it free or kill it?: I let 'em hang out and sometimes even name them.

Would you say you’re addicted to social media?: Yep.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime?: 3 bunnies.

Do you sunburned easy?: Within seconds!

Of all the houses you’ve lived in, which was your favorite?: I guess my current apartment.

Do you or would you ever use online dating?: I had a few brief stints on OkCupid and Tinder. It was a bad idea every time...

What do you wish you could get paid for?: Sleeping? Shopping? Eating pizza?

What did you get into trouble for as a kid?: Not much, honestly. I got up to typical mischief once in a while but I was a rule-follower for the most part.

What’s something good that has happened here recently?: I got a promotion!

Do you remember the first time you’ve ever driven a car? How did that go?: Yeah.

Who did you last say “I love you” to?: Glenn.

When did you last feel beautiful?: Yesterday I had a little "moment."

Are you currently frustrated over something?: Yeah. Our wedding photographer hasn't gotten back to me regarding the status of our photos and I'm livid. And panicked.

Would you ever like to travel to Ireland? Or have you ever been?: I'd love to someday.

Have you ever had a yard sale?: I don't think so.

Do you enjoy going to yard sales or garage sales?: Not particularly.

Do you know someone with a big ego?: Yeah.

What color is your most used blanket?: It *was* white once upon a time but it's much more gray these days.

Does it annoy you when people type in all caps?: I guess so?

Do you like gummy bears?: Love 'em.

Where is your favorite place to grocery shop?: Wegmans or Aldi.

Have any plans for the day?: It's Friday! Kathleen's picking me up in a little bit and then we're gonna go grab food and have a sleepover.

[nebulousneuroticism]

My sleep last night was restless and fitful. I woke several times before my alarm, and although I tried to snooze it after it rang, I found I could not doze off. So I got up, put on some nice clothes, gathered my things, and drove to the office.

It felt strange, being back. Nothing has changed there. It's all just as it was before--even some decorations my old team had put up. That team is long disbanded, but our decorations remain. The only difference is that it's quieter now: not many people go in to work every day.

I gathered my energy and went to have lunch with some coworkers, doing my best to ignore my rising social anxiety. I felt awkward and slow the whole time, but once I got going, the anxiety mostly subsided. They're my coworkers, after all; it's not like they can outright reject me.

After lunch, my boss and I had a short meeting, and he helped me with the form I needed help with. It went smoothly and quickly, and now it's all done. Afterwards, he chatted with me for a bit about his future plans. He had some very kind words and advice for me. He's a good person, I think.

Then, I was left on my own. I sat in a vacant desk and did some work, interrupted a few times by coworkers coming to chat. It was good to talk to them, but I fear I was a little too frank about my feelings about the company, and I may have come off rather negative. I also felt slow--I would be talking to one of them, and it would take me some time to remember when I started working with them, or what teams or projects we had worked on together, or who our coworkers were at the time. Maybe it's just because I've been there so long, but all the details seem to blur together when I try to remember my history. Then again, no one else seems to have that problem. Is my memory fuzzy, or is it all in my head?

Anyway. I finally left a little early, hoping to beat rush hour--I still hit some traffic, but I had planned it well enough. I had about fifteen minutes at home to gather my things before heading to D&D.

The game was fun tonight. It was nice to be a player again. I was maybe a little quieter than usual, perhaps because my social battery was getting low. But it was a nice time.

Then, I was finally alone again. I went home, ate the last of my leftover soup, and played Against the Storm until bedtime.

I feel extremely tired tonight. I hope I can relax tomorrow. I'm not sure, though--that cute girl wants to talk to me on the phone, so we'll see if I get a night of true solitude or not. I really hate phone calls, even when I like the person I'm talking to. Something about it is so stressful to me.

[whitewolfstracks]

News from funville, I guess.. I know most people are stressing about completely different things rn, but I need to vent, even if nobody reads it.

So, I'm supposed to visit a new gynaecologist tomorrow...

CW: mentions of SA, doctors, alcohol, meds, PTSD flashbacks, panic attack

I tried to go to sleep early, because I have to get up like 7 hours earlier than today, because my sleep is totally messed up. Took all my psychiatric meds and pain meds, which should help me fall asleep more easily. I also took a bunch of anxiety meds to make sure I will fall asleep. Did some somatic exercises to calm down. And I can't sleep.

What's worse, I started having flashbacks to the time I spent in a relationship with the person who took advantage of me sexually. I guess it's the fear of the pelvic exam by a person I don't know what's triggered it. Idk, I just find it absolutely incomprehensible that it's considered normal.

I have so much trauma about sex I can't stand looking at my body at some days, being reminded I'm a woman, I postpone having to take a bath, because I feel genuine disgust with my breasts. But on the other hand I don't want to. It's my body. It's just a constant reminder of what I let happen.

Sometimes, I can't wash without breaking down in tears or a panic attack. So, letting anyone so close to see my naked body is almost unthinkable to me. Let alone be touched. Especially by someone I don't know. It's just so invasive! It makes me so mad I have to go through this.

My previous gynaecologist wasn't empathetic to my struggles. She also didn't help with my period issues and downplayed my symptoms. So, my social worker has been helping me find a new one.

Now it's here, and idk if I can do it. I've been postponing an appointment with the previous one just because I was so terrified. Now I'm not only not sleeping, I'm having intrusive thoughts about the people who hurt me, and it's driving me to the point of a panic attack.

I said goodbye to my best friend a few days ago. She was the one who found me in my last abusive relationship and helped motivate me to get out of it. She helped me realise I am lesbian when I fell in love with her and that I've always been a lesbian performing compulsory heterosexuality.

Like my last friend I was in love with, I tried to be her friend for many years. Thought if I tried really, really hard, I could manage it. But I couldn't swallow my feelings. And she said she felt like I'm demanding something from her. I wish I could love differently. I can't. This is who I am.

I knew she couldn't give me what I wanted, but it didn't stop me from wanting it. And swallowing it just made me sick. I didn't demand anything. I tried to keep her boundaries as best I could. I tried to keep my space to protect myself. Which, in turn, made her feel I wasn't there for her as a friend. It couldn't work. I couldn't be her friend. We ended things.

And I feel like now without her, there's nothing shielding me from the emptiness inside. I dealt with most of the things in my past. Not those two relationships. So, it's hitting me full on rn. Triggered by that gynaecology appointment.

I just took a shot of liquor, hoping it will knock me out in combination with all the meds so I'll be able to sleep. Or at least just make me not feel and be able to pull an all-nighter because I have to get up in 5 hours. I got better at comforting myself, but these thoughts make my just want to bang the side of my head and scream, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

This is a desperate try to cope, I know. Not what I usually do. Desperate times require desperate measures? And all that..

Goodnight, I guess

[deborahotero]

My shadow exploring Gros Morne National Park, Fall 2018.

Freeform Friday | Divine Timing

"Before you call you are answered, for the supply precedes the demand." - Florence Scovel Shinn

Florence and I are a little late, I know, I'm sorry - but better late than never, right? Divine timing in all affairs.

Although it is passed midnight by now, (so technically, it's Saturday) I've got a warm Bustelo from my local Dominican spot the on this desk beside my laptop - so I am up. It is still Friday, October 18th, 2024 as far as I'm concerned.

Yesterday I thought, "Oh tomorrow is Friday, I better get ready to write because I done told everyone I would post a weekly writing entry" so here goes - as promised. The power of accountability.

"I did anticipate this quiet moment with myself though, I really need it."

So let's see, where do I begin? I guess I can start with sharing what is top of mind, which is what I did today. I had a much more productive day off today than I usually have. It could be that this super full moon in Aries has something to do with it, ( I always feel like cleaning and organizing during full moons, ::pulls out my witch broom::) but I bet it's mainly because I went to bed at 10pm last night - a total miracle of God.

I actually woke up early enough to meditate, do a little at home yoga AND do my laundry - another miraculous event. My skin looked extra glowy, I didn't drag myself out of bed or snooze a million times - I wasn't at all hungover (who am I?) and just felt really good. The echinacea drops I took in the morning (my friend made me a tincture for immunity this season) also really helped my mood as an unexpected added bonus. I looked it up and although echinacea does not contain any caffeine, it is known to help calm anxiety.

My Thursday nights are my "Friday nights" because I am off the next day so it's usually my night to go out, to drink, to dance, to social butter-fly around town (as I do so effortlessly.) Last night though, and most nights as of late, I just wanted to cozy up under my comforter and watch YouTube on my ipad (i have not owned a television by choice for years now - would much rather read or watch educational, inspirational content. Call me a weirdo, a non-conformist, hipster - whatever you want. This decision has been so beneficial for my mental health that it's 100% worth not ever being a part of the most "binge-watched" show references at work - even though sometimes people really think I must live under a rock. I am so far out of the pop-culture loop.

It's ok, I'll be fine under here.

This past week my selections included talks by Jordan Peterson on relationships, Yuval Noah Harari (author of Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind) on the future of AI (I am officially terrified for the human race) and Elon Musk interviews sprinkled in. My super femme rebellious, smart and hilarious, The Slumflower Hour podcast and Earl Nightingale's magical audio, "The Strangest Secret" are usually on the list as well.

I am often told by elders that I am "wise beyond my years" and although that probably has a lot to do with my parents having me later in life, (my mom was 40 and my dad was 50 something - literally have siblings in their 50s and 60s - I am 38 and am a great auntie, Doña Debora) I think the "wisdom" they are picking up on has everything to do with the self-development content I consume daily.

Not having a TV also makes me get out of the house more.

After wrapping up my morning routine, I grabbed a carrot, orange, pineapple, lemon, ginger juice (my go-to) at the deli and hit my beloved Fort Tryon Park. I posted a few pictures of the view from there today - it was so sunny, clear and gorgeous. The leaves are changing color and everything is picturesque. Found a nice bench, read my 1% Leadership book for a bit while I soaked up a few rays and did some calming breath work. Trying to soak up every moment of the warmer weather this week before we plummet into the depths of freezing cold wintery temperatures.

I took the A downtown to see the Elephants in Migration exhibition in Meatpacking (posted a few shots, they are super cool), had the best Kale Cesar at RH Rooftop and hit up my friend's N Between Bar at Chelsea Market which was a dope intimate, speakeasy, retro vibe. Good music, cocktail list and service - would definitely recommend. Tempted to stop into the seafood spot - The Lobster Place for some oysters (SO good) but I need to save my coins,

Learning to perceive the 24 hours I am given each day as gifts that should be cherished doing what I love whenever possible. No rush, no strict rules, no company needed. Just a mind and body willing to be, willing to intuitively explore and experience all that life offers while intuitively trusting in divine timing.

With Gratitude,

Debs

[muskpunk]

saw a link for a qpoc group in my state and got excited and was gearing up to go even if it meant driving a few hours if they meet out at the capital. click on it and the page is deleted. try to search for it, see if they just remade or hosted elsewhere something, no, it's just gone lol. I really hate it here.

it's hard to find other trans people in person, it's even harder to meet anyone who isn't white. I think I've met literally 2 other adult trans poc here and one of them is my therapist(which I'm very lucky for, I'm not looking that gift horse in the mouth, but obv she's not someone I can talk to regularly or be friends with which is something I need rn). the other is an ex metamour who handles poly stuff differently and kept me at arms length, which I respect, but it's like. damn dude... it's so fucking lonely out here. I really do stick out like a sore thumb in every room I walk in in this city. I feel the way people's eyes linger on me when I go into stores. into bathrooms. I notice when people let the door hit me or they get the same disrespectfully amused air as my high school bullies did if I approach with a question. even waving off consistently being the only poc who shows up the trans support group is... tiny, involves icebreaker questions that make me very anxious, and frequently has the twice monthly meetings cancelled at the last minute. I still try to go sometimes but even when I do I usually just sit quietly and listen to other folks for the vast majority of the meetings. I'd love to improve my social anxiety but I genuinely don't know how to do that here. I have actually justifiable reasons to be wary of folks, including at the support group, which has had weird drama shit in the past from adults being shitty to minors to embezzlement to the founder of the parent program personally treating me like absolute shit when she was my boss in the past lol. I've gone solo and sober to see drag at the bar but that's not exactly any easier of a context to Meet People in for me! I really don't know what else to try. I have very literally been an admin in a separate trans social group we were trying out here at one point, have helped plan and been part of running events even! dozens of claims of interest, but one person showing up if we were lucky. others in the community have clearly tried in a few different ways too but it always falls apart here- community is a real generous word for it. it feels like a ghost town. call me dramatic but it feels like I might as well be a ghost too, and like living here's gonna actually make me into one if I can't figure out how to leave at some point lol. fuck this place.

[minka-cola]

geh. anxiety a bitch

edit: oh man and the read more broke when it looked fine in the preview. oh man oh man oh man

i just don't understand why this social paralysis has gotten so bad in the last year. i can look back on reblogs from halfway through 2023 and see that i was still being really expressive in my tags then. and i was still even knocking out the daily reblog limit on some days just going back through my timeline from the night before

after steamrolling through the splatoon 3 hero mode and side order stuff across the past few days, i actually entertained the notion of playing splatoon online again today. it felt so paralysing as i stood there in the lobby. what am i even scared of? you can't even talk to people in the game

then i did it! i queued up! i don't know what actually pushed me through being able to do it. i've frozen up even doing roulettes in ff14 more lately just because it's so overwhelming to be around even just 3 strangers for a quick 10 minute thing. i still want to try crystalline conflict sometime but i black out on actually queueing up. thinking about fighting other people makes me queasy and weak

i kept thinking i could just leave the splatoon queue. i still had time for it. i could even just buzz salmon run so i don't have to fight other people. then it popped!

it felt like i was back in the saddle. i had a whole lot of fun, probably the most genuine fun in a while. there was even splatoon 2 maps on rotation and it felt almost as nostalgic as splatoon 1 at this point for me

then a few hours later, just in the middle of a perfectly normal match, anxiety hit me like a truck again. why am i here, putting myself through this, surrounded by people. i don't want to fight other people. i could really feel my performance slipping away and it felt like a genuinely crushing defeat that i abruptly stopped pulling my weight in. i had to close it and just stew for a while

then here i was on tumblr, immeadiately paralysed and ready to close it after opening again like i've been doing more and more, but then i see a recommended piece on the side and it's like "oh, maybe just check that quick". and then i end up reblogging a bunch again, before suddenly it feels like anxiety was creeping up again. i backpedal out of the tab and just stew again

this feeling sucks. it sucks so much

[leggigoesabroad]

Karma is the guy on the Chiefs coming straight home to me

Writing this first post from Eli’s mini iPad that Hil lent to me for this trip to Africa, while in the pitch black in my tented king bed at Kifaru House in Laikipia, Kenya. What a sentence! Also, typing on an iPad is much harder than a computer so bear with any formatting problems or typos. It’s 5:26 am and I leave for the morning game drive at 6:30. I woke up at 4 am unable to fall back asleep so I’m just leaning into it. Plenty of time for a nap later.

Well well well! To back up, I’m im Africa for about 16 days for an amazing safari through work. This is one of the perks of the job and it doesn’t feel real. Lots of stress anxiety and prep went into it, and I’m finally here. The flights were LESS than enjoyable - 9 hours Denver to Frankfurt, two hour layover, and another 9 hours to Nairobi. I hit a wall with about 5 hours left in the last flight and wanted to jump off the wing of the plane. Joints ached, stomach hurt, couldn’t sleep or get comfortable, you name it. Thinking of paying to upgrade the way home to economy plus because maybe I’m upgraded cabin category rich? We’ll see! I got in late, around 11 pm, and was whisked to Giraffe Manor in Nairobi. It’s a very famous hotel known for the way the giraffes who live there lean their heads into the breakfast nook and eat off the table. Very on brand for instagram influencers which I BASICALLY NOW AM. I was so grateful for the bed when I got there I barely took in my surroundings for the 12 hours I was there, but I will never forget the amazing shower. Tbh all of the showers so far have been incredible. Powerful, boiling hot, like getting a deluge of hot water with amazing pressure and simply washing away my ~pain. I was treated to a delicious breakfast at Giraffe Manor while the staff tried to entice the giraffes to come nearby despite the rain, and one actually did! I was happily watching another couple take pics with her and then the staff asked if I wanted some too, so I jumped at the chance bc why not?! deeply grateful I put on Glow Screen before breakfast because my skin simply glowed in the photos. It sounds dumb but looking back on rare photos and looking busted is so disappointing - so wear the minimal makeup! You won’t regret it!

My Safari Director, Wesley, picked me up at 10 am to go over to Giraffe Centre, which is the other side of the same fields as Giraffe Manor. That was almost equally cool - I got to hand feed the giraffes there. Tbh Giraffe Manor was awesome, but a little over-hyped for me. People lose their minds trying to book it because it’s so famous on social media, but it’s ludicrously expensive and so so so hard to get. I don’t think it’s worth all of that! My biggest takeaway will be lightly guiding my guests against it now that I’ve experienced it. Maybe not my company’s goal but hey you can’t control my takeaways!!!

We then went on to Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, an elephant orphanage and rehabilitation center. This has been my favorite thing so far. I could talk about it forever. The 27 baby elephants in their care were all located when their mothers died of various causes - poaching, drought. Baby elephants cannot survive in the wild without a mother, as they need to nurse for the first few years of their life. The Trust brings them in for the first few years of their life and takes care of them in their infancy, with the goal of eventually reintroducing them in the wild into a new herd, which is a 5-10 year process. They slowly wean them off milk and give them more and more time in the wild. The elephants come back each night to sleep with their keepers, and eventually don’t come back every night, spending more and more time with their new families until they don’t come back at all. 😭 The Trust has saved and successfully reintroduced over 300 elephants in their tenure, and the elephants will always remember the humans when they see them again. Elephants have got to be the most fascinating creatures on earth, bar none. Maybe octopus come close?! I could have stayed there all day listening to their stories. And this was in the middle of aggressive jet lag so you know it was really gripping!

We met up with my colleague Krista for lunch, who I’ll be spending the rest of safari with. Krista is lovely and we get along great, so it will not be a difficult way to spend 15 days! After lunch we checked into our next hotel for the night, Hemingways Nairobi. In contrast to Giraffe Manor, we book a TON of guests there so it was great to experience it firsthand. I was supposed to take copious notes on every detail of the place but the exhaustion simply did not allow! I’m on day 4 now so hoping it starts to abate soon, but the anti malaria pills I’m on have me all fucked up. They cause crazy vivid dreams and also a need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I’m not miserable by any means, but it could be better! Wesley assures me the side effects will stop and I would love that. They make the passage of time weird too. I’ll feel like I’ve been sleeping forever, and will wake up and look at my phone, and it’s only an hour after I went to bed. What?!

Also, yesterday was my little Len’s first birthday. Gutted to miss it half a world away, but my parents took excellent care of her and gave her a “yes” day. The best kind of day!!! She’s a very lucky girl. And she leaves in a few days to go to her two week board and train program. It will be so good for her, but if I think about it too long I’ll cry, because I know she won’t understand where she’s going or why or where her family is. She will adjust because dogs live in the moment but still, sobs.

I have more to write about yesterday and our first game drives - they were so special. But it’s almost 6 and I need to meditate and get dressed! As jet lag continues to improve i hope I’ll be able to blog daily. But holding this little iPad hurts my hands and thumbs. Oh well! Off to see the African sunrise :)