#like killing people? absolutely fine.

[defectivehero]

home where

"Are those single-use plastic bags?" The villain huffs, leaning forward from the hero's open windowsill. The hero's heart leaps out of their chest and they stumble backwards, very nearly falling over in bewilderment.

They place a hand over their chest as they regain their breath. "What the hell are you doing here?" The hero demands, staring at the villain casually sitting in their window.

"You really shouldn't leave your window open unless you want visitors," the villain sighs in lieu of an answer. "Practically asking me to break in." They tap their fingers along the frame of the window.

"Wow, okay, blaming the victim," the hero huffs, their mind spinning. They are somewhat convinced that they're dreaming—and that they'll wake up in a few hours, sweat-soaked and gasping for breath underneath their linen sheets. "And what was that about the bags?" They ask.

"Look at that bag of bags," the villain points at the clever contraption hanging on one of the drawers of their kitchen, turning their nose up at it. "Disgusting. And everyone thinks I'm the villain." The hero tries to process that statement for a moment.

"You are," the hero responds, staring at them in disbelief. "You kill people. All the time." Hence their appearance on several old-fashioned "wanted" posters and more modern newscasts.

"At least I'm not killing the entire earth," the villain gestures flippantly. "Get some reusable bags, you monster."

The hero promptly ignores the latter half of their statement, instead focusing on their accusation. "That's a huge exaggeration," the hero sighs.

"Okay." The villain shrugs. "Don't say I didn't warn you. Complacency is very dangerous when it comes to protecting the environment."

"You're such a fucking hypocrite," the hero responds, crossing their arms over their chest. "Your invention last week probably created enough nuclear waste to sink this entire city."

"Okay, rude," the villain scoffs. "I use sustainable energy sources, of course. Nuclear power is a no-no."

The hero blinks at them once, twice. "This is so weird." They remark aloud, bringing a hand to their arm and pinching at it hard. Surprisingly, nothing happens. Either this is a very vivid lucid dream... or it's reality. The hero isn't sure which would be worse.

"Your dreaming mind isn't nearly quick enough to predict me, dear," the villain says, swinging out of the window and landing on the floor noiselessly. "Besides, knowing you... your dreams are probably plagued with memories of the people you couldn't save."

A ragged breath is torn out of the hero's lips at the unexpected remark. The reminder is entirely unwelcome. They don't want to think of all the victims they failed—all the families they ruined. The hero desperately tries to suppress their quickly spiraling thoughts. "Why are you here?" Their voice is slightly more breathless; the villain is quick to notice.

"Do I need a reason to visit my enemy?" The villain grins, leaning closer. The hero doesn't bother hiding their discomfort, stepping to the side to enforce the distance between them.

"When you visit my home, yes," the hero remembers to answer in a few seconds. The villain's grin morphs into a dangerous smirk, and the hero is suddenly assaulted with the inexplicable conviction that they've made a grave mistake.

"Oh, you don't have to pretend this is the first time I've visited," the villain remarks casually, rhythmically tapping their fingers against the counter. "I've always known where you lived. You should know that by now."

Everything—the dull hum of their kitchen appliances, the traffic outside—descends to a tense silence. The hero's stomach churns as they think back to the inexplicable occurrences that have taken place throughout the past months: their water bill going up without reason; groceries going missing; takeout food appearing when they don't remember buying it. They had dismissed them as slips in their memory—they've been busy at the agency. But now that they really think about it...

"That was you," the hero chokes. Their heart is suddenly racing in their chest. They have never truly had privacy, have they? They suddenly feel very vulnerable. "Why do you keep sneaking in here?!"

"Well," the villain drawls, as if the answer is obvious. "It's easy, for one. You don't even have locks on these windows." The villain laughs as their eyes find the several windows in the room. "It's closer, sometimes. You have a lot more first aid materials than I do... You get the idea." They shrug nonchalantly.

The hero stares at them in shocked silence. "You've practically been living here," they breathe, a note of frustration leaking into their voice. Their head is spinning. Pain is starting to stretch through their temple and down their jaw from from how hard they've been gritting their teeth.

"Okay, now you're the one exaggerating," the villain says. "I'd hardly associate a few house visits with living here." They pick at their nails, as if entirely unbothered by this turn in conversation. It's clear they're entirely unapologetic about invading the hero's space.

The hero still feels the visceral need to convince the villain of the gravity of their invasive actions. "You used my shower," the hero accuses, with equal sentiments of embarrassment and irritation.

"I was bloody," the villain shrugs. "And your shampoo is nicer than mine."

The hero frowns. The farther they look back, the more they realize just how long the villain has been visiting. The villain's visits explain everything: things left in slightly different places than the hero remembers; doors unlocked when they should be locked; and... "Oh my gods, that's why my fucking washer hasn't been working! You broke it, you asshole!" They exclaim.

"I didn't break it!" The villain immediately argues, having the audacity to look offended. A guilty expression rises on their face as they avert their eyes. "I just... didn't know how to use it." They trail off, a sheepish grimace on their face.

The hero focuses on taking a deep breath in, exhaling slowly. When they speak again, their voice is deceptively calm. "Get out." They point to the window from which the villain entered.

The villain doesn't look surprised by the sudden dismissal, and somehow, they are agreeable enough to head over to the window to leave. "I'll be back," the villain says when they reach the windowsill, glancing over their shoulder and sending the hero an unreadable look.

"I know." The hero says defeatedly, letting out a long-suffering sigh. A hint of fondness escapes their voice and they hope their enemy doesn't notice. They know there's no convincing their enemy: it would be a futile effort. They have never been able to persuade the villain to do anything—and the hero doubts that will change now.

"Oh," the villain responds, staring at them in mild surprise, as if they hadn't expected them to admit it. "Okay then. Bye." They send an awkward wave over their shoulder and disappear. The hero stares at the empty window for longer than they should, before closing it and locking it. They're not sure why they're bothering to lock it—a simple lock won't keep the villain away.

Sure enough, three days later, the hero wakes up and walks out to their kitchen to find a pile of reusable bags on their counter. "You really need to get your priorities in order." The hero says. There is no one in sight—yet, somehow, they know the villain is listening.

©2024, @defectivehero | @defectivevillain, All Rights Reserved. Reblogs are greatly appreciated—just don't steal or share outside of Tumblr, please.

_______

me, unloading the groceries this morning: damn it, i forgot to buy reusable bags. i've been meaning to buy those. me, an hour later, sitting in front of my computer: what the fuck did I just write. and why did I write it.

did I overdo it with the banter? probably. do I care? ......only a little.

is the title from the sir chloe song? ....i plead the fifth.

thanks for reading!

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[ghostespresso]

staff logging on to tumblr dot com today

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[theprincessandthepie]

replaying dragon age inquisition is just an exercise in “the rebel mages would not fucking do that”

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

"yes im so fine"

*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*

[fizzyghosts]

Hywel is inspired by a mix of my issues with stories with nonhuman protagonist/about nonhumans becoming human AND vet posts ive seen warning people about the dangers of anthropomorphisizing animals. Its fine to joke about your pets doing things out of spite or other human emotions, it does put you at risk of not being able to read their body language correctly. Cats dont cry out of sadness, a cat crying, with actual tears streaming down its face, is a sign of a medical issue. A dog smiling isn't doing it bc its happy, it means its nervous. Not being able to spot these is bad, and sometimes even dangerous, for you and the animal.

If you never get past Hywel's human appearance and treat him like one its like getting a reactive dog, doing zero research or training, and then taking it to a dog park. If Hywel mauls someone in town then its on you.

[bigothteddies]

I think that part of what like. kills me about the whole media literacy and critical thinking aspect of enjoying media these days is that people refuse to like. contextualize that

A. Bad media can still hold significant meaning to people

B. Media made for a demographic you aren’t apart of is not inherently bad media

C. Media made for and consumed by the opposite demographic is not inherently shallow or flawed nor is it above criticism for its media tropes either.

[sqlmn]

So as one does with their OCs........... (shoves them into an AU).

Cafe AU where Clifford is a younger new hire and the person who's supposed to train him is just kinda. Apathetic at first. But quickly melts and decides they would die for this little guy. This is their new favorite person. It's totally normal to demand to be on as many of the same shifts as possible as a coworker. And every shift the mentor tries to Be Normal (aka just uh huh's when Cliff talks to him and not prod and pry into his entire life). And mentor is just super good at latte art so they love to show off to Cliff.

Which pays off when Clifford's mom shows up one day and is talking to him while mentor stands at a slight distance (to be normal) and hears "and this is my best friend!" and welp. That sealed it. They will now commit a murder for their favorite coworker if required.

(Katale and Rudyard also exist but they're not coworkers so they're not here. Also in the AU, Clifford just has a name tag for Cliff and mentor doesn't use their real name on their tag but writes Maverick..... based on a tumblr post someone linked me.)

[dayurno]

the idea of kevin day telling jean and thea to hook up, the only two people he has ever liked and Wanted. i see what you are (poly). that man was made to be in a throuple

I KNOW RIGHT i think he meant it so genuinely and casually too. it wouldnt hurt his feelings at all and its a means to an end so why not? but of course its more complicated than that and not everyone can be so casual about it kevin day! this is only adjacent but i was thinking earlier about how kevin slept with thea once and had a few months of giggling and kicking his feet reading her notes and then either told renee she was his girlfriend or said something so remarkably cheesy about her renee made the assumption herself. that's so intense i wonder if thea agrees with that at all? clearly she cares about him a great deal but i wonder if she'd be like wow okay okay okay let's calm down a bit.

anyway that is to say the moment jean and thea do hook up kevin already thinks they're a throuple. he hasn't done anything with jean at all but he figures they'll get there eventually and jean is just shy. it seems reasonable to him. my dear reader....... has kevin day ever gotten even close to being reasonable before?

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

one of these days i'll write up a post about the parallels and foils between vivi and hermes and why it fucking kills me. for now all i can say is in hindsight the 'latched onto vivi Hard as a kid' to 'latched onto hermes Hard as an adult' pipeline is Real

[friendofthecrows]

I miss that brief golden era from like 2012 to 2016 when the online witchcraft community was actually good and full of open minded people looking to learn more and share what they know plus maybe the occasional vampire middle schooler instead of the situation now where it's been taken over by capitalist tiktok transphobes who like to come up with ways to shift to hogwarts via their inherent magical vagina powers and then sell coated quartz to cure cancer instead of seeing doctors.

[bitchfitch]

this isn't the actual dialogue in this scene but the place holder text was too fun to leave on the cutting room floor. Also Serapis tumby.

[incoherentbabblings]

Unpopular opinion mayhaps, but if your Steph characterisation is formed from comics pre-2004 only, and if you don't include anything from the last decade in your understanding and conceptualisation of her, you have perhaps missed the entire point of her character and I don't care to hear your thoughts on her.

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

been thinking about how danse is who nora is endgame with in death shroud. it compels me

[bumblingbabooshka]

St Voyager - Ex Post Facto “Maybe I kill myself slowly because I don’t have the courage to do it all at once.”

[lamboficarus]

eye twitch

if i see one more. drawing of jack and elsa as a ship im going to spontaneously combust