#like just tone deaf and infantilizing all the way

[hadesoftheladies]

glad season 3 of bridgerton confirmed that colin buys women for his sexual use like all his other pos brothers. :) that diary entry of his about the women in france made me want to throw up. :) im done with this show

[genericpuff]

I was reading your essay on "fat" rep in LO and as woman who is overweight, maybe not but definitely chubby/pudgy and often getting shit for it by my family... Do we ever see Persephone with a not-flat stomach? Even just a little protruding, not necessarily round. Or a double chin? I know fat looks different on different people, but... To me that seems like a pretty obvious way for an artist to show their character is meant as fat rep. If Rachel actually wanted that, I mean.

There are definitely times Rachel tries to draw her "fat" but it feels so tone deaf because it's still just like... as I've mentioned in my essay about it, it's "Hollywood fat", i.e. the kind of belly pouch fat that many women have that's often painted as ugly even though it's very commonplace to have (because no person is entirely flat! we're humans, not planks of wood!) The problem is if you try to quantify as little amount of fat as possible as "fat representation", you can't really call it fat representation because it only represents people on the lower end of the spectrum of fat. Here's an example of what I mean when I tried to find that one specific image example I was thinking of that I had seen ages ago lmao (this isn't the one I was thinking of but it gets the same point across):

Yes, cartoon stylization is a thing, but watch out for the folks who say they can't draw fat people because "it wouldn't suit my style", it falls into the same type of excuse camp as Tim Burton saying black people wouldn't suit the "aesthetic" of his films. They actually could draw fat characters in their style, it's more likely they just don't want to (but don't want to admit to that).

And honestly, if someone just wants to stick to drawing characters of a specific race, body type, etc. that they're familiar with, that's not a crime in and of itself IMO, but don't claim that your work is representation for a group when it's really only carrying the bare minimum or if you're just forcing it for the sake of seeming progressive. That's pretty much where LO falls, its "fat representation" only represents the bare minimum of fat that doesn't apply to the people who are looking for legitimate fat rep in media. Sure, there will be people who will still connect with that body type, especially for people who have stretch marks or belly pouches, but can it really be called 'fat rep' on the whole when it's not going to connect with the people who are genuinely fat? I'm someone who's gone through weight gain and struggled with body image, while I can totally relate to the type of body Persephone has where she (sometimes) has a muffin top and cellulite on her legs, that doesn't make her "fat representation" as a whole because she doesn't represent the women who are genuinely fat beyond chubbiness or being "not flat".

All that aside, the only indications of Persephone being 'fat' are the odd panel where Rachel gives her a belly or "stretch marks" (tbh they look less like stretch marks and more like scars from a bear attack lol):

But then she'll also draw Persephone with a straight up bodybuilder torso and have her say outloud that she's "small-medium":

It all feels very tone deaf because it's Rachel trying to have her cake and eat it too - she wants to draw Persephone as her usual small cinnamon roll self who can be infantilized and fetishized by the men around her (which Rachel loves to write and draw btw) BUT she also wants to try and take credit for Persephone being "fat rep" so whenever she remembers to do so, she'll throw in her laziest attempts at making Persephone seem "fat" but really she's just the Hollywood version of "fat" by having a belly pouch and stretch marks that many women of varying sizes have regardless of weight changes. We can't even assume that she may have been fat at one point and lost the weight (leading to the stretch marks) because we've seen Persephone in basically all stages of her life from childhood to adulthood. She's always been itty bitty and her entire personality and relationship with Hades is written around that.

[wellthatschaotic]

I posted 20,604 times in 2022

That's 13,945 more posts than 2021!

4,564 posts created (22%)

16,040 posts reblogged (78%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theonlythingimfuckingisstupid

@aegleseeker

@ignisuada

@wellthatschaotic

@the-life-support-system

I tagged 7,100 of my posts in 2022

#- isla - 107 posts

#- alisha - 95 posts

#/j - 91 posts

#save for emily - 73 posts

#yeah - 70 posts

#unreality - 68 posts

#- aerwyn (he/ey) - 65 posts

#ask to tag - 65 posts

#/lh - 60 posts

#- aerwyn - 58 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#@ all my friends with disorders like this who have to go thru this: i am giving you a weighted blanket and your favorite drink and a plushy

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

petition to stop censoring captions-

we use captions like 99% of the time because of auditory processing issues (probably from our autism & adhd) which make it so, without captions, it takes a lot of focus to make sure we're hearing the right words and it's annoying to rewind to catch it and etc etc etc

the thing with that is, we use captions for convenience. deaf/HoH people need captions to know the audio, they don't have nearly as much of a choice.

so it's super frustrating to see them censored. the automated captions on youtube (besides being somewhat inaccurate) literally write swearwords like this: [_]. we don't even get a hint of the word, not even the sh*t or f*ck.

if people who don't use captions get to hear the swear word, put it in the captions. if it's beeped out in the audio, beep it out in the captions, but for the love of the stars stop infantilizing disability aids. if the audio says it, so do the captions. no exceptions.

(also I wish more youtubers actually manually put captions on their videos because the youtube automated ones are just. disappointing sometimes)

1,445 notes - Posted January 28, 2022

#4

ok but like the "are you afab or amab" question is so uncomfortable because like. it's asking "were you born with a vagina or a penis?" which, when phrased like that, is no longer ok, right? so why is it like, socially acceptable or whatever to ask it phrased the first way

1,953 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

#3

we've said it before, i'll say it again:

if someone puts a /j on a post that, to you, is obviously a joke? that just means the tag is not for you.

if someone puts a /s on a post that, to you, is obviously sarcastic? that just means the tag is not for you.

if someone puts a /g on a post that, to you, has no reason not to sound genuine? that just means the tag is not for you.

if someone puts a /nm on a post that, to you, sounds perfectly calm anyways? that just means the tag is not for you.

if someone puts "#unreality" on one of your shitposts, when you can clearly tell it's a joke/shitpost? that just means the tag is not for you.

this goes for literally any other tone tag, trigger tag, or content warning. the internet does not revolve around you, and you do not get to judge or make fun of other's accessibility measures or safety measures.

4,845 notes - Posted February 27, 2022

#2

i love "woag". a purposeful mispelling of woah. it conveys such an Emotion that cannot be named but is deeply relatable

36,686 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i love when the gender options are "male" "female" and "prefer not to answer"

like it just reads as "boy" "girl" and "what are you, a cop? i don't owe you anything"

50,260 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[frankie-catfish-morales]

Hi there, prepare for a long response.

So, I have bipolar 2 and mental illness. I am well aware of how it feels and how it works.

Some things I want to note.

Britney Spears was forced into a conservatorship, had her kids taken, was forced to take medications that altered her ability to think rationally, had a mental breakdown, was followed and mocked by paparazzi and the world, and then pretty much locked away for years. It is not in the same realm. At all.

Chappell Roan has been trying to get famous for almost a decade now. She just blew up in the past few months but she has actively been trying for many years. She is a grown woman and is 100% capable of understanding the downsides of fame. Celebrities have been discussing these issues for decades. Eminem wrote that he couldn't take a shit in the bathroom with his daughter without people approaching and stalking him.

I'm not saying this is deserved. But it is expected. Expecting to be famous and that all your fans will behave respectfully and normally is just...not realistic. There's always going to be "fans" that push the line. It comes with the territory. Should it? No. But does it happen? Yes. And it always will. And I just do not believe she would not know that.

I am a fan of Chappell. But I can also critique people I like and the things they do and think about the bigger picture. She and her family were stalked by fans before she made her political comments (more on that later), which is unacceptable, but there is not a single celebrity out there who has not had this happen and discussed it at length. It comes with the job, unfortunately, and at this point, infantilizing her to the point where you don't think she wouldn't know and expect that is kind of silly imo.

I did not know about her being kissed without her consent. That is wild and is terrible, and I can understand how that would definitely cause some trauma. I do not begrudge that.

However, as a fan, I can tell you that her most recent canceling of events and mental breaks have occurred immediately after she has made comments that were heavily critiqued by the public. I rarely saw any backlash or hate on her until she made the comments she made about the election and then belittled those critiquing her. Most vitriol that has been on her lately has been in response to:

1. Her canceling concerts and then going to the VMAs instead (if you do not want to be famous, why are you going to events to get more exposure and be more famous? That would be the LAST thing I would do if I was already getting overwhelmed). I also, with my mental state, wouldn't want to be famous, period. I also want to note that since canceling some festivals on her fans almost the day before, she then went to perform at Austin City Limits today. It is absolutely valid for fans to be upset about this hypocrisy.

2. Making the "both sides are bad" argument when saying she wouldn't endorse Kamala.

So now I will go into why that deserved critique, even though you disagree.

First, I personally feel a lot of discomfort watching a white woman openly appropriate drag culture and aesthetic, make millions off of it, and then actively undermine an election where the people she's imitating's ACTUAL LIVES are at stake. Donald Trump supports people who want to MURDER drag performers and trans people. She is white, female, and privileged, and the tone-deafness it takes to wear drag-stolen outfits and makeup as a white woman who will most likely never be unsafe walking around like that in the same way drag performers are, is very distasteful. I am also white, female, and privileged, but I try to constantly check and educate myself on reality of others.

I don't want to make assumptions on your identiy and age OP, but often when I see this "both sides" argument it's from younger people who dont' actually remember what it was like when Trump was in office. You may have been able to skate by relatively unaffected and therefore you and Chappell think you can do it again and it won't be that bad, but it will.

POC and LGBTQ+'s actual lives will be at stake should he get back in office. People could die. People will die. Women will be having back alley abortions again and dying. My physician parents did their residencies in New York and almost quit medicine at the amount of women coming in bleeding out and dying from alternative abortions. Police will beat the shit out of and kill anyone they want with less consequences than they have now. More restrictions will be put on gender re-affirming care, and there will be in increase in ostracization of trans people and their ability to safely exist in basic society. Kamala Harris and Joe Biden enacted several trans protective and affirming care in their term, so acting like there is not a SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE between the two is wild, and disrespectful to the LGBTQ+ culture.

Trump being back in office will also have consequences on president appointed positions. Remember Marcellus Williams? The representatives that denied his appeal for execution were appointed by Trump by his previous term. If Trump hadn't been in office, Marcellus might still be alive.

It is also distasteful to see a young white woman purposefully mispronounce a woman of color's name, and I am not going to accept naivety on this, I'm sorry. Fucking google it girl. The least you can do is pronounce our first possible female black president's name correctly.

Which brings me to:

3. WHEN she was critiqued for this "not both sides" comment, (which she 100% percent didn't have to make? She could have kept quiet? Said nothing? Hired a PR team? Why doesn't she have a PR team?), she turned around and double down, called people stupid, said her words were skewed when they were not, and posted a bunch of out of touch whiny TikToks.

If you are going to make a very divisive statement, please understand you will be challenged. If you are unable to handle the challenge, consider taking accountability and being respectful, or being respectful and standing by what you said. But people are going to talk shit when you disappoint them.

She THEN cancels more festivals that a lot of people paid a lot of money for, literally the day before the festival. I have seen perspectives like, ,"there were other artists to enjoy." What if someone didn't care about other artists and only wanted to see her? Are they not valid? What if they spent their entire savings for this and are now out thousands of dollars they can't really afford? What if they had to take time off work or had to quit their job for this? What if they are severely mentally depressed as well and this concert was the only thing they have been looking forward to? Do they not matter?

I'm not saying I don't have empathy or that she should be forced to work when unwell, but what I am saying is that you do have a responsibility as an artist to live up to your word when you sign up for events, and I just do not think Chappell has what it takes to be a celebrity. I think she is making the problem worse for herself, which is contributing to her feelings, and I think she needs to toughen up a bit and hire a PR manager.

when chappell roan quits music and disappears from the public eye or worse, and there’s a huge conversation online about We Should Have Treated Her Better, i just want y’all to know that i will not be tolerating anybody’s delayed remorse and i will be very mean to everybody who played even the most minuscule, passing role in bullying that girl

[cqlfeels]

The idea that nie huaisang is feminine is any way is just so fucking infuriating and so obviously a very Fucked Up projection of (coughchristiancough) western ideals of femininity 🙄 Also the bioessentialism of it all... just say you think he's more Girly (tm) because he's not as tall and large and his brother..... just say you also portray nie mingjue as a one dimensional mindless brute because of these physical traits.... 🙄 These people are so full of shit, and its the same brand of people who look at jin guangyao and just blatantly feminize him because he's "small"????? Also while I'm there, please stop headcanoning *only* the "small and dainty" men as trans, idk what you think you're doing but its just transphobic (trans headcanons are great but sometimes you see cis people who literally are just doing a fetishized gender essentialism and its disgusting)

I don't like to accuse people of anything because a lot of the time they're just not thinking through the implications. But speaking of trends - again, no one in particular, just the overall tendencies I've seen over time - it's very worrying how this fandom treats gender.

Just to begin with, NHS and JGY are average height at best - it's everybody else that's ridiculously tall, and I think it's in part to set cultivators apart as being more imposing than your average guy. Compare the height of female characters to the "small" guys and you'll see no one could reasonably think they're small enough to be girly. (Also um. Height = gender is just objectively a funny idea. Stilettos are now a fundamental part of male fashion because they make you taller!)

Second, there's a marked trend to apply a very specific Western ideal of manhood to characters. Things like delicate fabrics, jewelry, fans, artistic inclinations - none of these are inherently feminine in the context of the vaguely defined Ye Olde China of CQL. These are all things that are appropriate for a gentleman.

That is to say... There isn't a scale that goes from NMJ at the manliest and NHS at the girliest. They are just embodying different, equally acceptable ideals of manhood: the soldier and the gentleman. NHS is an unusual Nie in the same way LJY is an unusual Lan: they don't adhere to the ideals and obligations demanded by their sects. It's got nothing to do with gender. Note that soft-spoken, art-loving, impeccably dressed LXC is considered an outstandingly impressive man.

Of course I wanna make space for people to explore gender within the safety of fiction! I think it's very understandable to project the experiences either you or people you know have! Seeing NHS who clearly doesn't fit in, and relating that to a different way people might not fit in - gender roles - is, I think, a very instinctive reaction.

However, I think we as a fandom - especially Western and white fans - need to take into account that East Asian men are often infantilized or feminized for, you know, not being the size of a tree and built like a brick wall. So to take a story made for a Chinese audience, point to half the cast and go "Twink!" and even single out some as either "Literally A Child Uwu" or "Clearly A Woman" can feel tone-deaf at best, racist at worse. So I do hope the very human trend of pointing at a character and going "I know/am someone like that!!!" is tempered by the knowledge this might be hurtful if not handled with care.

I don't think saying a headcanon is bad and has to die is fair, but I (maybe naively) think if people are made aware of cultural differences they may be misinterpreting, it's possible they'll be able to look past superficial things to headcanon even more characters as trans or gnc, you know? I don't like to think of this as "banning" femme NHS, but as saying "uh, actually nothing is stopping you from headcanoning other characters as femme! NHS isn't the only valid option! Because canonically, NHS is as femme as, idk, Wen Chao!"

(But also. Let characters who are not NMJ be unapologetically manly. I know it doesn't sound revolutionary for white people, but your experiences aren't universal!)

[boonskicks]

Ok, I don't tend to make posts like this but I’m too frustrated because I see it time after time on this hellsite.

Complaining on a bi person’s post saying: “ugh not this pan is biphobic discourse again 🙄 just accept both labels are valid and move on” is not the hot take you think it is.

Outright DENYING that the pan label was ever biphobic or transphobic in the first place is so wild and I’ve been seeing that crop up more often.

The history of both terms is complicated - but generally as we know it, both these terms were initially coined by cishet people in a way to shun, denounce, medicalize and demonize people.

But the term pansexual as it became widely known as part of the LGBTI+ community, both online and offline… was undeniably spread as the more “inclusive version” of bisexuality. Not only did people misunderstand bi history, but it added to the oversexualized stigma we face from both heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. “Hearts not parts” was a terrible phrase that demonstrated this aspect (also kind of implied gays and lesbians are... only attracted to parts as well which. i don't need to say why that's wrong).

People thankfully realized how a lot of pan people were spreading transphobic rhetoric in regards to trans binary people, however the idea that pan people were attracted to nonbinary folks and bi people were not was still quite widespread and honestly still is.

Of course, thankfully some people realized that wasn’t the case at all and that’s where the “regardless of gender” and the idea of pan as a microlabel of a broader umbrella became more accepted. However, let’s not act as if that definition is widely known yet. A lot of people still think of pan by those former definitions… and by virtue of that, are spreading transphobic and biphobic rhetoric.

If you want proof of that, read this excerpt from an article that lists off how people in the media/internet describe the pan label from the 1970s and to as late as 2020:

June 18, 2020: “Madison [Bailey] proceeds to explain that a pansexual person can be attracted to all different kinds of people, including ‘girls, boys, trans girls, trans boys, and nonbinary babies’. The term pansexual is viewed as being much more inclusive than ‘bisexual’, because it does not assume that a person is only attracted to men or women, but also those who don’t identify with a specific gender.”

Now, not all of this is Madison Bailey's direct quote, it's only after ''nonbinary babies'' where the writer of the article steps in with the definition... but that doesn't mean that Madison's quote is not very telling. Besides, the article where this quote was referenced has so much more, it just goes to show that in 2020, people still spread the same definition of pan being the more ''inclusive'' of the two labels. Here's the link:

I hope I don't need to say it but that quote sounds... terrible. As a nonbinary person, being called a 'baby' is so infantilizing, even if the intent is to be 'inclusive' and... just 'cute' I guess? As if nonbinary people don't get infantilized enough. And why did she need to specify 'trans girls and trans boys' from 'girls and boys'? This was last year, so don't go telling me and others we're just being 'panphobic' when this transphobic and biphobic crap is genuinely what some pan people still say.

This is why it’s so infuriating to see pan people on this site just yell “panphobia!” at a bi person just calmly expressing the fact that some bi people (specially trans/nonbinary bi folks) may feel uncomfortable with the term and telling pan people to be aware of its history and not spread more harmful ideas.

So you can see how responding to that as if someone is attacking the pan label as a whole and vehemently denying that the term had transphobic and biphobic history… comes off as extremely tone deaf, stubbornly ignorant and incredibly dismissive of bi people’s voices.

While there’s some bi people that are against the pan label, that doesn’t mean all bi people want it gone. We just don’t want further misinformation to spread, but it KEEPS being spread and it won’t be solved if pan people have a kneejerk reaction and keep shutting down bi people bringing up fair points!

Like, please step back and realize how you sound and look. Yes, I understand a lot of these people don’t want any more infighting in the community, but there’s a difference between transmeds harassing nonbinary people and people who use neopronouns vs bi people just expressing the fact that some pan people need to be more mindful and self aware of the label’s history. That’s not dividing anybody???

If you dismiss or shut down valid points like this, think about how you’re coming across. Because it sounds like you just want to call people panphobes instead of realizing you may still be incredibly biphobic. You care more about people not discussing the history of the label or denying it in favor of “no infighting” than actually having a discussion in good faith.

To end this already very long post, I have an excerpt from that same article, this time by the writer, Kravitz M. - I really recommend you check his other articles, and support him on Ko-fi:

''People tend to chalk down harmful rhetoric to just an exceptional “fraction of the community” instead of acknowledging the issue’s prevalency, which is an unhelpful deflection. The mindsets shown in the timeline were exhibited by many of the first to use “pansexual” as a sexual orientation, a trend that hasn’t stopped at all.''

Pan people are welcome to reblog this and interact but don’t clown on this post! If you call me a panphobe you literally missed the entire point of what I was saying and I want nothing to do with you lmao

Edit: made this more accessible for screen readers! My apologies!

[midethefangirl]

Captain America: Civil War - My Thoughts

I know this is like 5 years late but for this, I’d like to resurrect a barely dead discourse that succeeded in not just dividing the Avengers but also dividing the fandom. Before we start, content warning for spoilers and let’s dive into this mess.

So, basically, the entire conflict of civil war stemmed from General Thaddeus Ross (who is a hypocritical dick, btw) coming to lecture the Avengers on being destructive despite conducting destructive experiments (ahem, the Abomination and the Hulk) but I digress. Then, Ross presents the Sokovian Accords which is really lengthy and we see Steve reading like a few chapters(?). Now, let us note that the Accords were presented to the Avengers after a mission-gone-wrong killed about 11 people in Lagos (lay-gos, not lah-gos that pronunciation gave me headaches as a Nigerian).

So, the Sokovian Accords were written by 117 countries and vetted by the UN asking for the Avengers to be under oversight (which SHIELD would have done if HYDRA hadn’t infiltrated it in the first place but it is what it is). Somehow, Steve made it about “our right to choose” (how?! Cause I’m not understanding) and decided to not sign*.

*he later got back to sign, then backed out when he learnt that Tony had placed Wanda under house arrest (even though it was for her protection. I do believe Tony should have fully informed Wanda about keeping her in the Avengers’ Tower)

My issues with the plot of Civil War are:

1. The Sokovian Accords were not read out loud or placed on some kind of PowerPoint slide for the audience to understand why Team Cap is against the Accords. No, the fandom wiki is not a source because that one is from Agents of SHIELD and not a lot of MCU fans are familiar with that show (yours sincerely included). Assuming the contents were read out loud or discussed by the Avengers, I’d have understood why Team Cap refused to sign the accords but since none of that was given, I’d remain Team Iron Man for this one.

2. The Sokovian Accords is not the American Constitution. Then again, the MCU fandom tends to be American-centric and most Americans seem to have this belief that the world revolves around them (and it manifests itself in Civil War discourse).

3. Contrary to popular opinion, the Sokovian Accords were about 117 (mostly third-world) countries asserting their sovereignty and boundaries, not taking away rights from the Avengers. If we go by what the MCU wiki claims about the accords, yes, some parts are absurd (like asking for blood samples and using trackers, why are those necessary?). However, when 117 countries state that they want you to respect their boundaries, I think it is best to comply. Unfortunately, respecting boundaries is one thing the USA has a problem complying with and guess who happens to represent America?

4. The Accords affected only their hero lives, not their lives as a civilian. I doubt the UN would limit the Avengers’ movements as civilians

5. Let us not forget how Steve and Clint protect Wanda from accountability and responsibility. Wanda in the MCU is like y/n in many fanfics where everyone (except for the “big bad villain” who in this case is Tony and 117 countries) seems to love her and want to protect her from facing the consequences of her actions. Anyone *ahem Tony* who has a bit of problem with her is suddenly the enemy. Not to mention how Wanda seems to have a knack for causing destruction in African countries (Johannesburg, Lagos, Wakanda)

6. And fandom behaviour from the Team Cap stans

7. Also, why is Civil War not an Avengers part 3? It’s better than making it a Captain America trilogy and then trying to frame Steve as being right.

8. I do believe that the accords were sped up which left little time for the Avengers to discuss and compromise on certain issues. If they were given more time to discuss, compromise and negotiate, I think the movie would have ended better than it had.

9. In addition, I also agree with Team Cap stans on how the UN arbitrarily deciding to shoot Bucky on sight is a human right violation.

10. “The safest hands are our own” why does this sound like a white saviour talk point from Steve? The accords is about 117 countries wanting you to respect their boundaries and the best you can come up with to refute that is saying something a white saviour would say?

11. “Even if the whole world is telling you to move...” just shut the fuck up, this is no way comparable to 117 countries trying to assert their sovereignty.

12. Look if I have to choose between surrendering a few rights as a hero and just dismissing that of civilians as potential damage, I’d go with the former because the people whom I’m suppose to protect come first. For me to dismiss their deaths as “we can’t save em all” is just not it.

13. “She’s just a kid”, a few years later and I still hate that term. One, it’s infantilizing an adult white woman (something white men have historically done and we all know how that went) . Two, while Tony was obviously wrong for not informing Wanda about her house arrest, he was right to keep her in the Tower when they were people who would harm her with every chance they could find. **

** after watching WandaVision, some people might find every reason to want to harm her.

14. Let us also discuss the motivation of those in Team Iron Man vs Team Cap

Team Iron Man

Tony: feels guilty for the events of Age of Ultron, believes that he’s stepped out of line and the Avengers need oversight.

Natasha: believes that the Avengers should listen to the public and the UN after all, if they had one hand on the wheel, they can still steer.

Vision: believes that the Avengers as a whole bring challenge which brings conflict and then catastrophe.

Rhodey: a soldier; believes in following orders especially when it is from the UN and 117 countries.

T’Challa: dude is just there to kill Bucky. I’m sure if Bucky was on team Ironman, my guy would have joined team cap, lmao 😂.

Spider-Man: not really there for a reason except to bring in Steve to Ross. I do agree that Tony shouldn’t have dragged him to the fight without Peter making an informed decision.

Team Cap

Steve: didn’t want to sign because it takes away his “right to choose”. Idk what that means or how it is relevant to the Sokovian Accords but okay. However, I understand his mistrust considering a few movies ago, we found out HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD and as much as I believe governments are corrupt and the UN is shit, you cannot just enter a country anyhow without warning ahead of time.

Bucky: was his motivation given? I mean, I believe he joined Steve’s side to stop Zeno from unleashing the other winter soldiers. Not that that’s a bad reason, it isn’t.

Sam: again, I don’t think the movie gave us a reason for him being against the Accords. Did he also believe it was taking away his “right to choose”?

Wanda: undecided as of moment of discussion. Joined team cap because Tony placed her on house arrest. While I agree that Tony should have informed her that he was putting her under house arrest and stated the reasons why, I believe it was for good reasons especially when some people might decide to carry out witch hunts (you get it, witch hunts? 😅)

Clint: only joined because Wanda was placed under house arrest. We aren’t given any reason why he would oppose the Accords.

Scott: fan boy of Captain America, need I say more?

15. Also, to Team Cap stans blaming Tony Stark for Team Cap being imprisoned, grow the fuck up. The people in Team Cap are all adults who made their own decisions yet Tony is to blame for them breaking the law (because they did break the law), wtf.

16. “Are you capable of letting go of your ego for one damn second?” Like Steve’s ego didn’t play a part in all this too, lmao.

17. Okay, the final battle was intense and while I believe Bucky was also a victim, I can understand why Tony lashed out at him. The one to blame here is Steve because even if he had no clue Bucky was responsible for the Starks’ death, he still lied to Tony by not telling him who was responsible. It is more appalling to learn that Steve, in an attempt to “protect Tony and Bucky”, was actually covering for HYDRA!

Also, the way Steve stood emotionless while Tony watched a footage of his parents being killed. Yet, he could shield Wanda from watching the news because of how it affected her, okay.

“I can do this all day”, fuck you, Steve

18. Clint exploding at Tony is so fucking hilarious. Tony is right, Clint has a family yet he decided to fight in a war that didn’t concern him. Also, his comments about breaking backs is so tone deaf after Rhodey just broke his back!

19. If Sam was Captain America, I think Civil War wouldn’t have happened at all, from the dialogue in the Raft.

20. Overall, this movie is a fucking mess and I hate it for dividing both the Avengers and MCU fans.

Before I close with this, I want to add that I am not anti-Steve but Civil War really made me hate him. I get, Steve is supposed to be a Boy Scout and shit like that, but he’s a Gary Stu in the MCU, let’s be honest about it. Civil War should have been an Avengers movie, rather than a part of the Captain America trilogy. The Avengers should have been given more time than three days to discuss the Accords and make necessary amendments; after all that went down in Lagos, Wanda should have been made to sit out missions and maybe we could have had someone like Doctor Strange help in training her; Crossbones would have made a great villain but it is what it is; Peter’s introduction to the MCU could have been as him actually interning for the Stark Industries and forming a kind of acquaintance with Tony Stark before Tony finds out that he’s Spider-Man; Steve should have told Tony about HYDRA‘s hands in his parents’ deaths. Anyway, I’ll go read Civil War fix-it fanfics and fanfics where the Avengers are more like family. Fuck Civil War and I’m outta here.

Edit: okay this was a thought I had when I was trying to sleep but it was too good to ignore. Rhodey has a point about Steve arrogance (if that’s the correct term) in saying “the safest hands are our own” and here’s why:

Like he stated “this is not the World Security Council...neither is this SHIELD nor HYDRA” (paraphrased). This is the UN as well as 117 countries. Look, I am as anti-government as one can go and I don’t believe that the UN are reliable (plus, if we really want to go by the AoS version of the Accords, the Accords are flawed and they need amendments), however, given the US records on disrespecting boundaries in many third world countries, I can understand why 117 countries are wary about a bunch of superpowered Americans entering their country.

To us, the Avengers are saving the world. To these 117 countries and the people who have families who were killed in the crossfire (Zemo is a good example), the Avengers are a bunch of nuisances who leave destruction wherever they tread.

I am still neutral on the whole Accords as I don’t know exactly what it entails but for Steve to go “we are surrendering our rights to choose” (again, how is the Accords threatening the Avengers’ right to choose?) when asked to be under oversight is tone deaf.

[ingek73]

Duchess Kate is ‘confident, she’s competent’ & it’s not ‘all a publicity stunt’

April 05, 2021

By Kaiser

The Times of London’s weekend article about the Duchess of Cambridge as “the real royal revolutionary” was pathetic, obvious and frighteningly tone-deaf. As we’ve seen in recent years, the Windsors are very, very bad at this. It’s shocking to see how they used to be considered, at worst, baseline competent at communications, and now they’re left reeling by any story, and seem unable to function at any PR strategy. Everything around Kate is a good example, because I feel like she’s got three different PR camps working on her behalf. There’s Buckingham Palace, eager to set her up as the future queen. There’s Kensington Palace, eager to cover up her laziness and incompetence. And then there’s Middleton HQ, eager to both infantilize Kate and make her sound like a Top CEO who can do it all. The Times’ “royal revolutionary” piece is the product of all three strategies playing out in a disorganized way. The exploitation of murder victim Sarah Everard was only part of the Times piece. The other part was just a general embiggening article, and I’m afraid several people threw out their backs from all of the reaching. Some additional highlights:

Kate is not woke, but she’s not NOT woke: Few royal insiders are expecting Kate suddenly to turn into a fire-breathing apostle of “wokeness”, or even to express the remotest hint of a political belief. She does not issue bold proclamations to compare with, say, the welcome page of Harry and Meghan’s new website, Archewell, which announces: “Through our non-profit work, as well as creative activations, we drive systemic cultural change across all communities, one act of compassion at a time.”

She’s effective because she’s selflessly lazy: Yet Kate is no stranger to acts of compassion, and her low-key approach may strike many as a great deal more effective. “When Harry and Meghan talked to Oprah, they were more concerned about their own welfare; it was all about them and that’s been their narrative all along,” says Penny Junor. “But there’s a difference between service and self-service. I feel real service is doing things selflessly for others. I think that’s what Kate understands.

The Queen of Zoom, I sh-t you not: She won’t be the queen of Britain for a while, but she’s already a queen of Zoom meetings. Through Kensington Palace’s social media feeds she has become an online video-conferencing force to be reckoned with during lockdown, and the causes she supports and the charities she endorses are reaping incalculable benefits. “All the Zoom calls William and Kate have done are showing them in a very good light,” says Jennie Bond, a former BBC royal correspondent. “Usually you just see a tiny bit of them on the telly or a picture in the paper or whatever. But you kind of feel from their work online you’re getting a peek inside their true personalities, inside their homes. They seem much more natural and Kate is coming across as very knowledgeable and compassionate.” Junor adds: “I think the whole of lockdown has opened people’s eyes to working members of the royal family. They are reaching a far wider audience than before and Kate is coming out of it really well.

Kate did something once in 2007: Those with long memories may recall that Kate once embarked on a long-distance rowing project of her own. In 2007 she trained for a cross-Channel attempt as the helmswoman of a dragon boat with an all-women crew, but her then status as William’s girlfriend forced her to give up.

Penny Junor on how Kate isn’t a narcissist: “Kate is just really very good at it in a relaxed, friendly way. She’s not over the top, not ‘me, me, me’ at all. I think she’s absolutely coming into her prime now — she’s confident, she’s competent, and you don’t get the impression that she’s waiting for cameras to be there and it’s all a publicity stunt.”

Penny Junor on the lessons Kate learned from Diana: Kate may have learnt an important lesson from Diana, whose popularity began to outstrip her husband’s. “Charles was Prince of Wales and not used to having the limelight taken from him,” she says. “That caused huge problems. Kate is being very careful to ensure she doesn’t outstrip William. She is not on an ego trip, and her head has not been turned by celebrity. Kate is a working woman doing a job. She didn’t leave the human race when she joined Planet Windsor.”

[From The Times of London]

Kate the Keen: stealing all the good things about Meghan, in a white package. That’s the short version. And would this current version of Kate the “competent” (I laughed) exist without Meghan as her foil? Why did Meghan and Harry even need Frogmore Cottage when Meghan lives rent-free in all of their heads? Meghan: *breathes* Kate: “I breathed first and I breathe better because I’m not woke-breathing and I’m not trying to take attention away from my husband when I make everything about how I’m much better than Meghan!!” Lord, this mess. And the Queen of Zoom thing SENT ME. How can one be a Top CEO, the Queen of Zoom, and careful enough to not overshadow her thin-skinned incandescent husband?

Anyway, the rule of thumb is always “if they’re trying this hard to make a story happen, you know the opposite is true.”

[thedistantstorm]

Keep On Rising (Until the Sky Knows Your Name) 05

Found Family | Zavala is Tower Dad | Father-Daughter Relationship | Childhood Trauma and Recovery | Canon-Typical Violence | Amputation

A story about how an orphaned Amanda Holliday comes to belong in the Last Safe City and the family she finds along the way.

(Or, the story of how Commander Zavala finds himself responsible for one Amanda Holliday.)

Chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 

This Time: The bond between them becomes too much for the matron to ignore.

-/

"Sit," Karena says, softly. 

Amanda does. The head matron usually only sits them down like this if they’ve done something real bad. But Amanda can’t recall anything she might have done.

"Can I ask you something?"

"I don' really get a choice, do I?"

The matron sips her tea and sighs. "You do. You always have a choice, my dear." She pours the child a bit from the pot now that it's had time to cool and pushes both a small cup and the sugar bowl toward her. Amanda looks at the sugar before choosing to raise the mug to her mouth without it. "You could sit here, listen, and choose not to reply. Or, you could walk away. This is about you and what you want."

"Oh… okay." She sets the mug down on the saucer, and does not blanch at how strong it is. "Well, go on then," She drawls, in her tiny accent.

"The Commander. Is he important to you?"

"I mean," Amanda's nose crinkles with her confusion. It wasn't the question she'd been expecting. "A'course. He keeps us safe."

Karena sucks her lower lip between her teeth. "He does, doesn't he?" Her smile is sad. "But-"

"Why?" Little fingers weave together around the mug. She sits up straighter. "Why're you asking?"

"Would you answer me first? Honestly, please."

"Zavala is… kind," She looks down into her mug. "He's stern, and he don't take no BS," Karena holds back a hum of amusement at that. "But he cares lots. 'Bout everybody, the City, e'rything."

"I have three different families, all who want to adopt you," Karena whispers. Amanda lurches back, ready to push her chair away. "No no, baby, don't run away. I don't-" She clears her throat.

"Why tell me then?"

"I need to hear it from you."

"Hear what?" Her eyes darken, a stormy sea of green. "That I don't want nobody to adopt me? I don't!"

"If it were him-"

Amanda rolls her eyes. "Don't pull my leg."

"I'm talking hypothetical." Karena looks at her coolly. "Hypothetically, if anyone in the world could adopt you, who would it be?"

She closes her eyes. Almost too quietly to be heard, she grumbles, "No one. I don't want anyone to adopt me." Her dark lashes flutter against her freckled cheeks.

It's a lie and the Matron can tell. "I asked you to be honest, Amanda."

"You want me to tell you I want him to adopt me?"

Karena's eyes widen a touch, her head dipping in an inscrutable nod.

The child babbles, "It can't happen. Guardians don't have kids. The others tol' me-"

"Nevermind them," The matron says patiently. "This is about you."

"An' I'm tellin' you," She drawls, heavier. "He told me he can't. Probably doesn't even wanna."

"... If he did?"

She looks down into her mug for a long time. When she looks up, fixing the matron with a stare, her eyes are open, torn between futility and hope. It's a devastating, heartrending look. She doesn't cry, but her chin quivers.

"I s'pose I would."

-/

She waits. The matron is a patient woman, she has always been. The children insist she has eyes in the back of her head. It's another two visits after the time she overhears the conversation between the Commander and their little survivor before she asks Amanda if she wants the man to adopt her, and another two after that before she confronts the man himself. The conversation is almost a year in the making.

It happens to fall on a rare occasion. A day in which she comes to him, her charges in tow. Outings like this are almost biannual at best, between funding and census in the orphanage itself.

Earlier, she'd watched as Amanda tore through the crowd, the calls of her group-leader falling on deaf ears. Karena herself stood back, almost to the railings, nearly able to see the City sprawled out before them. Amanda had slipped through the last of the bystanders, dipped around and under the Commander's arm, his mark flapping in her wake. 

She expected him to hold his position, looking out almost regally at the masterpiece that was the completed walls, newly repaired and built up to protect the metropolis below. But instead, he looked down at Amanda with a much freer man's smile, the corners of his lips upturned for once.

A thruster kicked in with a loud thrum and he followed her gaze. Amanda wasn't looking down, or across at the Traveler, looming in the cradle of the walls that surrounded The Last City. She was looking up. Karena had never seen her so happy watching the ships soar up into the sky at his side.

No one paid her any mind, caught up in the commotion of being up so high, taking in the sights themselves. The same almost went for the little girl front and center, staring up into the clouds with something akin to awe.

No one noticed when she leaned against his leg, a single hand fisted in his mark, nor when he dropped to one knee, put a palm on her back, and listened to whatever childish secret she had to tell.

No one except the matron, who sighs wistfully as the moment replays in her mind. There is no denying it, not any longer. Thus, here they were.

“The other children are starting to notice,” She begins in a tone far softer than most of their conversations start with.

Part of it is subject matter, but they are both carrying dozing orphans. He has one in each arm, while she carries another on her back. He was always willing to go the extra mile, though she suspected it kept the craven lunatics that led the factions off his back to be on orphan escort duty. It was very clear his attention was very valuable, to everyone. 

And yet, it isn’t that at all. She’s been fielding these questions intermittently. Most of the time it was simply overworking minds and infantile anxiety. But this wasn’t. 

He lays the child in their bed carefully, easing the blankets over them before rising once more and settling the other youth in the upper bunk. Karena deposits the last of the sleeping children in the room next door and meets him at the top of the stairs afterward.

“What do you mean?” His eyes glow bright in the dark, twin halos of electric blue eclipsed by his eyelids as he narrows them in time with his question.

Karena moves past him, a loaded glance in his direction stopping him in his tracks. No matter how many centuries more he’s lived - honestly she couldn’t give a damn - she’s no match for a motherly gaze. He follows her into the kitchenette utilized only by staff, taking his usual seat.

Instead of fixing tea like she always did, she reaches up into the highest cupboard, procuring a bottle and glasses. She pours him two fingers before giving herself about the same.  Another wide-eyed look from him has her shaking her head in disbelief.

“Amanda,” She answers him, finally. “They’ve begun to accuse you of having favorites.”

“I... do not.”

Karena takes a hearty sip. “You do,”  She asserts. “Perfectly natural, considering. She latched onto you. A lot of them do.” Karena hums, “This time was just… different.”

“We have been doing this for-” He takes a drink, “A long time.”

“I’m aware,” The matron dips her head. “Usually I indulge them a bit, as they adjust. Amanda is a sweet child. Polite, when she wants to be. Too intelligent for her own good. I get applicants for her, all the time. It’s been almost a year now. I’ve had a total of seven applicants interested in her. Good families, clean backgrounds. She’s refused every one. Mostly politely. The last one offered to let her keep her family name, since they’d found out it meant so much to her.”

“I’ve told her countless times that she should-” He steeples his fingers, propping his elbows on the table and leaning over his drink, sighing heavily. “Even if I wanted to, I cannot,” He finally says, as close to an admission that the matron is right as he’ll come.

“She knows that.”

“You’re sure? Perhaps I’m not getting through to her. I can bring it up again if need be-”

“She’s verbalized it,” Karena swallows. “ Multiple times. She knows.”

Zavala’s shoulders sag for a moment, the nearly lost look in his eyes reminding her of a man far younger than he is. “What would you have me do?” He asks, voice rough. Like it’s hurting him to know.

She reaches across the table, takes one of his far larger palms in both of her own. “Honestly, I wish you could take her. You’d be an excellent father.” He shakes his head, uncomfortable with her praise. “You would. You work wonders with these children. And your soldiers. I hear all about how they talk about you.” 

And then, she sighs.

“But if you cannot, I need you to step back. She’ll never realize her full potential here. She’s well above her year in school, she’s a good girl. I want her to have a family who can give her what she deserves. That’s what I want for all of these kids.”

“I do, too.” He scrubs a hand over his face after a few moments of sipping their liquor in silence. “It would never work,” He says, finally. “Even if-” He trails off.

“If I can find the right family, I need you to convince her to give it a shot,” Karena presses, business-like. “I’ll push for a foster-to-adopt situation. Make her feel like it isn’t permanent until she wants it to be. But she needs to get out of here.”

The Commander’s nod is resolute. “Whatever I can do,” He answers, sad but sure.

It burns as the liquor courses down her throat, but it washes away the retort lingering on her tongue. It isn’t that he doesn’t want her. That’s not it at all. She has no doubt in her mind that if he weren’t the Vanguard Commander that he’d take her. But his job - his duty is not conducive to raising a child.

When he rises, she sees the metaphorical weight of it cast upon him. This hurts him, as much as she had expected it to. No amount of armor can hide it, no stoicism can completely outshine it in his gaze.

“For what it’s worth,” She says, when he takes his leave, “I’m sorry.”

His Ghost flickers into the space over his shoulder when he exits. She can hear their muffled voices as they exit the front gates. It seems the matron wasn’t the only one hoping he might at least consider an alternative arrangement.

[moomingitz]

uh you ship that BarkerxChris pedo shit. you dont have standing with judging Ken Penders for wanting to Geoffrey to have sex with Sally and Scourge tricking Bunnie into having sex with him.

I don’t know what to tell you but, unlike Sally, Chris is canonically of age post season 2 of Sonic X.

And unlike practically every anime that claims their overly sexualized and infantilized uguu moe angel, who acts and thinks like a single digit kid and is completely indistinguishable from one in every conceivable way, is totally way older than they seem, Chris’ actions and how was he shown to comprehend things in the third season actually reflects that of an adult because he was now, well, an adult.

Also, the age gap between Sally and Geoffrey is most certainly not the only thing people have a problem with and towards Ken Penders for wanting to make the pairing a thing in the comic series. The whole thing with how he would have had the two have sex with each other was just the nail in the coffin.

Not only was Geoffrey 20 while Sally was 16(apparently she was 15 when Geoffrey started pursuing her), but from what my inexperienced ass has seen from the comic series so far, his desire to be with Sally was based from him wanting to one-up Sonic more than any actual genuine love towards Sally. Even when I was a child, long before Penders revealed things about Geoffrey’s supposed age, I already knew just from looking at him that he was the type of character that was there to butt heads with Sonic, and his goal to get with Sally was his way of giving Sonic the finger. To him, Sally was just a booty call with a means to an end, more than he viewed as an individual. Big enough age gap or not, a relationship based on having the other as a pawn to one-up or get back at someone is one that should be broken off immediately.

As for the whole thing with Scourge tricking Bunnie into thinking he was actually Sonic and then having sex with her(they obviously didn’t show it, but it’s pretty obvious what was implied). Whether you believe that sort of thing counts as rape or not, it’s still an extremely scummy as shit thing to do. It’s a betrayal of someone’s trust. No matter how you try to frame it, it’s still a fucked up thing to do to a person. It’s even worse when you know the context behind the controversial scene, at least if you know what Bunnie was going through at the time.

If someone wants to write a more mature Sonic story or continuity that reflects more on the unpleasant aspects of real life, I’m not against it. I would honestly like to see more mature takes in the franchise itself. But, you have to at least be a competent enough writer/artist to pull it off, let alone not try and retroactively implement it into an already established comics series aimed at a younger audience, or else you get tone deaf stuff like this. The fact most of the main reoccurring cast are minors made that shit all become all the more awkward. There’s acknowledging the fact that teenagers have sex with each other, or that fucked things to do happen in real life, and then there’s creepy shit like that.

That’s where Ken’s problem with what he apparently intended lies; He’s incompetent as fuck, who can’t seem to actually somewhat properly convey what’s going on in his stories is actually supposed to be viewed as wrong or just not a good thing, even if his life depended on it.

Geoffrey wanting to be romantically involved with Sally is treated like any other love triangle between teenagers; despite him being a 20 year old wanting to hook up with someone who is still underage, mostly so he can just one-up a person he doesn’t like. Scourge tricking Bunnie into having sex with him, under a false pretense of having her believing he was really Sonic, framed and treated more like, “Oh, that troublemaking scamp!”, more than it is taking advantage of the trust of a person still going through a break-up with someone who they thought was their significant other(it sounds like a soap opera, but it happened).

[kathrwn]

Lana Del Rey is rotting your brain

Read with footnotes here.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: Lana Del Rey does not exist. No, since she is the character performed by the artist Lizzie Grant, whose uncritical approach to American nostalgia does more to invoke the helplessness of American apocalyptica than to make us yearn for simpler times. And just as Lana does not exist, neither does any depth to the project of Miss Del Rey. Between winged eyeliner, prairie dust photo filters, and an affected croon, Lana Del Rey manages to be both campy and pretentious, and does neither particularly well. 

Looking at Lana Del Rey music videos, there are similarities which together comprise a Lana “image,” or a sort of aesthetic uniform which unites the Lana Del Rey Cinematic Universe. Often there are post-production filters which evoke old-school photographs of your mom’s cousin in the 60s, references to film and music stars of the 50s, and a misplaced fetish for the “good ol’ days” of America which turns grit into surface-level beauty. 

Thematic focus is good, especially when the singer is a construction, like Lana is. Critics are quick to notice her sharp devotion to her bit, calling her music a “Southern Californian dream world constructed out of sad girls and bad boys, manufactured melancholy and genuine glamour,” or “a blown-out Hollywood production.” Lana has described herself as a “Lolita got lost in the hood” or even a “Gangsta Nancy Sinatra” which critics have called straight “manufactured.” 

While plenty of songstresses presently play with the heights of glamour that women are expected to summit in the spotlight--Lady Gaga, Cher, and Dolly Parton come to mind instantly--many of them inject irony or camp into their performances, their outfits, their presentation. Parton in particular loves to joke about herself, famously quipping “I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.” 

It undeniable to say these three women also play characters in their music--Lady Gaga is not nobility, Cher’s Twitter is filled with political commentary, Dolly Parton is, of course, not even blond. Lana also plays a character, but why is the Lana character a failure compared to the others? It’s not for want of production--many women pop stars are over-, perhaps even hyper-produced to drive the point home about the disinfectant power pop music holds over artists. Lana is also over-produced, somehow giving her music an auditory sepia tone, as though it were a film from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

But perhaps that’s it--Lana, as a character, is reactionary. She invokes a time well-past, and one well-past for good reason. The 50s and 60s were not heavenly for all, certainly not for black people, not for gay people, nor political dissidents. Lana’s music draws on themes that attempt to highlight the teeming hate and anger of midcentury America, but ultimately fail when she refers to herself as “[y]our Venice bitch” and prides herself on wearing “his favorite sundress” but with a strange sincerity. Often times, Lana infantilizes herself, referring to her lover as “Daddy,” or worrying that he is so superficial he might not love her, perhaps most famously, when she is “no longer young and beautiful.” 

That is not to say that Lana is vapid, but she has adopted the veneer of being so. She has unwittingly become a crooner for the past when her worth was tied to a sexual currency. Her uncritical love for glam and grand cinematisme is part of her pastiche act. But because she is nostalgic, and rarely, if ever, scathing when she sings about outdated courtship and relationship dynamics, she shows just how empty her actual songs are. In dying to know if she will be loved when her skin is no longer elastic, Lana never manages to find validation and closure in herself, instead tying her worth even tighter to a man she calls her “sun,” who plays with her “like a child.” Cool and normal. Newer songs follow this same trend, with cuts like “You’re beautiful and I’m insane, We’re American made” doing little to flatter herself, then listing off American inventions like “Hallmark” and “Norman Rockwell.” (The Norman Rockwell thing is especially weird when she follows it immediately with references to sex and then calling herself--again!--“your little Venice bitch.”) 

There’s nothing many Americans love more than Americana and sincerely yearning for a time they never experienced. Lana, perhaps, is the most “I was born in the wrong decade” singer to grace our airways. Her songs make love, even uneven and abusive love, the ultimate goal. Letting summer--a time that is eternal in the LDRCU and, supposedly, California--wash over her and her lovers until the cocaine and ocean consume them. 

Then, it’s no surprise this cheeky political compass places Lana in the libertarian right segment--she is made to sell, to hit some pleasure center in impressionable brains, to be a sweet spot in pop music that guarantees profits will be made from her work. Her songs are chock full of concrete imagery, which allows them to become realized in her audience's mind, rather than relying on letting the listener make their own emotional connections. There is nothing wrong with that, but it shows why the Del Rey song formula is as successful as it is soulless.

Take, for instance, her famous “Summertime Sadness.” From the red dress she wears, to the pale moonlight, to the “telephone wires above... Sizzling like a snare” we can recreate the scene in our heads. These lines are so evocative, so palpable in what they describe, it wouldn’t be hard at all to envision yourself standing in her same pair of high heels.

However, there is a marked absence of irony or self-awareness in her discography. Her sincerity is her downfall. When she sings “Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, You like your girls insane,” does she mean it. And she really means it. She prides herself on her lyrical tendency to degrade women. 

This is not a new criticism of Lana. She herself has said “the issue of feminism is just not an interesting concept. I’m more interested in, you know, SpaceX and Tesla, what’s going to happen with our intergalactic possibilities. Whenever people bring up feminism, I’m like, ‘God, I’m just not really that interested,'” which is proof that Lana is so massively lacking in any self-awareness that her music becomes pointless, useless, and dumb. How is being interested in SpaceX and Tesla at all incompatible with the basic philosophy of women’s liberation and complete personhood? What about the women who were unable to be astrophysicists in the past, but are now writing the algorithms that take us to those “intergalactic possibilities”? How about the droves of young women who unironically listen to this schlock, call themselves insane, and then have no clue how to be a part of a functioning, normal relationship, because they think they have to be a crazy minx? Actually, even better, what about the bat shit insane way Elon Musk treats women, like when he famously pulled his bride aside and told her he was “the alpha.” It’s just bonkers how popular Lana Del Rey’s line of thinking is. That somehow feminism is incompatible with the fetishism of science? 

Perhaps that’s where Lana Del Rey stands out. As soft rock and easy listening DJs give us “Fight Song” and “Firework” ad nauseum, we have grown weary of the female empowerment song. Any song that wasn’t “You’re So Vain,” is extraneous to the genre of girl power pop. Maybe this makes Lana appealing, if only because she shakes up our expectations. Her yearning is to be submissive, not to be dominant, a far cry from the way many chanteuses have embodied the lyrics of Patti Page’s “Conquest.”

If that were all, maybe it could be forgiven. It would be a sweet rebellion against the popular themes of the day, one that has its problems but isn’t overly regressive. Only, the more you dig, the worse it becomes. Not just the content of her lyrics, and her constant playing of the damsel, but the visuals she chooses to use in her videos and albums are beyond simply self-stylized misogyny. Lana has a nasty habit of racializing her character, trying to make simple the complex legacy of mid-century American counter culture.

For instance, in her epic three-song music video Tropico, Lana appears to us in several visions. Once as Eve, once as a sex worker, once as a woman escaped from the city to be with her lover. The first one is the color of the dream of a flower-crown-era-Tumblr aesthetic blogger, the last is similarly as harmless. But that one in the middle is an iffy exploration of the actual economic conditions of sex workers, but absurdly tone deaf in the light of her comments about feminism. And all of the above is extremely tone deaf within the LDRCU. Is she supposed to be the girlfriend of a gang member, styled in heavy eyeliner and bandanas reminiscent of cholo culture? Or is she, as is inline with much of the rest of her videography, an upper-crust, Jackie-O-esque trophy wife with a listless stare? Neither are particularly good characters to play, relying on stereotypes and hazy filters to get the point across. 

But Lana has always had an issue with understanding the fundamental issues of her middle-distance gaze into American history. Yes, it’s cool Lana has A$AP Rocky play Kennedy, that’s pretty neat; but it’s also extremely uncool to do so while adopting a Cuban-sounding name while turning up the nostalgia factor on figures who, like Kennedy, did great harm to Cuban and Cuban-Americans. The conflict she creates within her own character is glossed over by her, and much of her audience. While critical pieces of Lana do exist, many fans--including myself at times!--get lost in her Venice Beach Baddie persona, and forget her self-awareness trends in the wrong direction. 

With the release of “Norman Fucking Rockwell” on the horizon (at the time of writing), though, we’re going to have to ask ourselves--is that a normal name for an album, or are we all having a collective fever dream? 

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON JINX’S MAIN VOCAL KIM RIAN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Eden CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE:  17 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: COMPANY: Midas SECONDARY SKILL: Acting

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): Apple because of her stage name and her fresh features, and Annie INSPIRATION: Living abroad and finding herself bullied for the many ways in which she found herself being distinctly different, she vehemently embraced the pop culture of her home country as a way to feel connected and out of defiance, forcing herself to stand out more rather than fitting back in. Officially she cites Diamant and Su.Grr as her greatest inspirations, but it was actually Jubilee and Nixie, alongside Gemini. SPECIAL TALENTS: 

taking impeccable selcas 

matching notes on command

NOTABLE FACTS:

She has perfect pitch, which (almost…) makes up for her slow adaptation to choreography.

She failed multiple auditions, sending in tapes from abroad while living in New Zealand, or attending and failing at countless global auditions. 

She was an apprentice to a vocal coach learning to be a vocal trainer, having given up on being scouted, when she was discovered by Midas Media.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Over the next six years, Ryan’s ultimate goal is simple- ride out her contract. She loves the music her group is putting out lately but she’s not above the desire to negotiate for a better deal. She’s interested in establishing her acting career further, as it’s finally having a chance to take off in a significant way as she builds her way up. Ryan’s interest for the moment is primarily focused on proving herself invaluable to Midas, so that she can push back during negotiations.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

In the long term, Ryan isn’t sure what she wants. She likes to have a hand in the lyric writing of her solo music, but after her first single didn’t meet Midas expectations, she’s not all that sure she’ll ever get another anytime soon, particularly given how they pushed her immediately into acting and have stuck with that since she began to gain some traction. She does enjoy acting quite a bit and would like to expand past the typecasting she’s generally fallen prey too,  as part of her youthful look and branding, and be taken more seriously and thus given the chance to take on more dynamic roles. 

IDOL IMAGE

eden is approachable but tempting. the ripened fruit in the garden, offering itself up to you, daring you to bite. she is the sugary honey sweetness of an overripe peach that bursts on your tongue. she is flushed cheeks, still rounded as if her youth may be endless, as if she will never outrun the image of the fresh faced girl who debuted so long ago, as if she will never be more than the dumpling princess peach of jinx. but she is. eden’s image has matured over the years, or at least, she has matured. she has been allowed to do this safely, perhaps because of the offset of her features, because her voice outshines the movements they give to her. eden can writhe on stage, can wear the sharpest cat eye liner and the slickest red lips and forever and a day her fans will say “what a surprise, to see our little mandu so sexy, ” and it’s double edged maybe. maybe she’d like to be looked at as a woman. but she’s used to this. to the infantilization that is in itself sexualization, a commentary on an industry that thinks a concept can’t possibly be deemed “sexy” if  they girls are in pastel tennis skirts, no matter how many times pelvises rock or legs spread or hands glide effortless over bodies. despite her vocal power, she doesn’t run the route of a solo artist, not yet. maybe not ever.  she has the image for it, the draw to stand on stage. on stage she captivates, performance capabilities and energy overriding dance skills that at the start are truly lackluster. they improve over the years but it’s never something she’s known for, and she’s comfortable with that. “she’s got the gestures down, she’s not the best but i can’t take my eyes off her,” they say - when they’re kind, but then, with an ego like eden’s, you only see the kind comments anyway. so with her youth as her shield, with her skill and a few years of aegyo trends under her belt, eden’s future begins on instagram. aesthetic photos begin softly but traipse towards risque, blending the virgin whore dichotomy with an effortlessness that seems impossible. there’s backlash, always is, in what can be perceived as attention seeking or affected, but eden is a master of push and pull, of sweet and sultry, and balances upon it as if on the edge of a razor. she builds a more serious image through her acting, embarks on various projects that truly don’t always do well (or even often), and the notable criticisms are there from the start. but she’s compelling, and she’s expressive, and more than that she’s hardworking. she puts in the hours. just stick to singing, that’s what you’re good at, they say. but she is stubborn and greedy and selectively deaf and continues forward stubbornly forging her path. and ryan? who is ryan anymore? is she kim rian born in seoul and transplanted at twelve, just in time for a young brain to be overloaded by unfamiliar syllables, because what english she had learned prior had been a standard northern american accent from after school tutors, not the fast paced natural speech of auckland new zealand. is she the girl adapting too, navigating a foreign country as ryan? is she the bright young thing with laughter like bells in all the choral classes, in vocal lessons after school, dutifully taking piano to appease her mother? is she ryan who moves back to seoul at eighteen with no idea of this place she is supposed to call home, this place her mother is so thrilled to return too? is she the ryan who is somewhat accidentally enfolded into the lineup for jinx, who learns in crash course fury how to smile and simper and sweeten that sharp tongue of hers? maybe she doesn’t know. maybe she never knew, really.

IDOL HISTORY

mangwon is a nice district. up and coming, they’ll tell you. trendy, a bit artsy. the next hongdae, but aimed at a bit older set. it was in a little rooftop apartment here that kim rian was born on a warm summer day - no hospital necessary. this was perhaps a foolish decision, but the kim family was home to two decidedly atypical parents. her mother an artist and. her father a gallery owner.  kim kyujin worked tirelessly and without complaint to support the whims and whimsy of his wife, bae minji. at the time of her birth their home was modest at best and it would remain so, their district not yet the up and coming location it is today. kim rian was born into a home of pastels, paints, flowers, and hardwork. tireless effort and patience were the tools of her parent’s trade and they applied this to rian as well. they were gentle but firm and poured their expectations into the young girl relentlessly. they did not mean to fill her to the point of bursting, but this is what happened, regardless. kim rian was given every opportunity to succeed, and her father worked to the bone to make it happen. after school classes in english, in math, in art and in singing. she had a class for musicals, one for painting, one for korean literature, one for western literature. by the time she was in middle school she was out until ten each night and when she arrived home there was homework to do, piano pieces to practice, vocal scales to run. when they discovered she had the voice of an angel, they traded some of the math lessons for vocal training, the arts for musicals, and so on. of course she enjoyed this - she enjoyed being talented, being told she was talented. she liked that she was making her parents proud, making them happy. when they had been endlessly sacrificing for her for so long, it felt as though it was her sworn duty to provide them that bliss. the thing is, of course, that kim rian was never consulted about any of this. she never requested these sacrifices. more than anything. even as a child, the pressure was insurmountable. her voice continued to improve, her range growing, her appearance matching the soft and soulful nature of her music. “she sings like she’s lived a thousand years,” her trainer told her parents one day. “like she’s lived a thousand heartbreaks.” maybe she had, in a sense. she’d always felt too much, too intensely, in a way that seemed just a bit More than other people did, perhaps a bit too much entirely. and in this way her parents did not mean to break her, but they did. hours of lessons. the pressure of performance. auditions for endless programs and schools, camps and opportunities. so they relocate with her  to new zealand of all places. it’s there that she learns the world is wide and vast and beyond her comprehension. the whole thing is isolating at first. it’s an arts school, for talented people, and she’s not the top of the barrel anymore. she learns, though, she progresses. she throws herself into after school english lessons to try and keep up with the curriculum, gets by on phonetically memorized ballads for awhile. unlike the more rigid korean idol system, they help her develop a tone of her own, something shaped to suit her voice first, her strengths. she learns from there to widen it, to expand her range to the airy falsettos of her home country. finds herself now, in a distant country, fiercely proud of korea. of the hallyu wave as it spreads. she finds a new goal, in returning to the idol scene back home, which riddles her parents with dismay. where was this misplaced pride back home, when her gaze was turned to distant shores? why had they sent her to this expensive and thoroughly classical school only for her to awaken a love of pop music? she picks up dancing - she’s not great, but her performance ability is strong. she’s got the lung capacity of a damn whale, apparently. she returns to korea at sixteen to live with her aunt, vocational training landing her a spot as am apprentice vocal tutor alongside her regular schooling. she’s apprenticed to a big name in the business, following her around to her lessons, in awe of the music that pours so freely from the lips of others, jealous of their opportunities. after having failed to catch eyes at global auditions or through submitted tapes, she thinks it’s enough just to be near the magic. the woman she’s been shadowing brings her along one day to midas media, and the melancholic fury in her bones is insurmountable. the desire to have been a part of this gleaming pinnacle, the knowledge she couldn’t have it.   she’s given the chance to help with the lesson. and just as soon as she opens her mouth to coach them, she found herself drawing their attention. there was a flurry in the corner as he pulled out his phone, trained it on her. she remembers now blinking away her confusion in favor of returning to the lesson. when she came back at the end of the week for her next scheduled lesson, alongside her trainer, their students are gone. in their place were company representatives, and a contract. and thus started her crash course in idol activities, in dance, in presence and poise and passion. once more a maelstrom of expectations and desires that were not her own had overcome her, caught her up, taken her into a new and bizarre world. debut came swiftly as she upset the lineup- a vocally geared group needed someone with her wide range and endless years of training. and besides, they had time. midas was a well honed system. she had the vocals down, they just had to get her up to speed with the dance, and her modest background was enough that gruelling hours of training, working her double time compared to the others, was enough to push her towards debut. by the time she was finished, they’d taken a round cheeked girl with a honeyed voice and made her something formidable, had taught her to use the presence of gaze and motion to overcome for faults in dancing, to make the world long for her the way she’d longed for this, for the stage. a journey starts with one step, and that was hers.

there’s a faltering, a bauble when a relationship goes public, when her image takes a hit, when she’s expected to prove herself all over again. there’s a bubble in her chest that pops when her cherished debut as a soloist is met with distracted interest at best, when plans of a follow up are summarily dismissed, when she’s pushed into more and more school uniforms to act out the nation’s sweetest first love on screen over and over and over again, forever swooning and huffing and aegyoing at all the right times.

she doesn’t know who she is anymore, or what she wants to be. she’d wanted to be a singer, and she is. but what next? what now? when her debut feels like the peak everything else has seemed like a downhill slide, her group’s current climb upwards a desperate and feeble last breath. there’s a desperate urgency to prove herself, her worth, but she’s never thought much farther than a few months ahead and she doesn’t know how to do it. endless years in the industry later she’s known for her soft image, her clean character, her outspoken nature and the fact that she appears to be the portrait of dorian gray in lithe, fairylike form, ageless and undying. this is the image she crafts - like the softness of impeccably carved marble, of soft spun linen and thick drawn liner, the dichotomy of what it means to be innocent and alluring at once, begging to be tarnished.

in reality, ryan isn’t sure who she is, besides an aching maw of yearning, a void that won’t fill, a desperation she can’t shake, a melancholy that she’s never quite able to unseat. there’s sensitivity, sensibility, honey sticky sweet and the bloom of flowers, dense with hidden thorns, a nostalgia for a life she hasn’t lived, will never have.

[theliterateape]

American Shithole #15 — Comedians Unite! Except You, Dennis

Who are the adults again? Not me, as this column joyfully illustrates. Good day to you, American Shithole readers!

This week’s embarrassing queue of hack journalists getting everything wrong about Michelle Wolf’s brilliant, blistering performance at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is on par with the media’s lack of overall self-awareness, and reticence to accept accountability for the success of the Trump campaign.

That daily, non-stop barrage of coverage, as much as Russians, billionaires, and republicans, led us to this tediously infantile behavior we have been subjected to for seventeen months —  and the only adults I see lately doing fuck-all about it, are the kids making mincemeat out of various mouthpieces for the NRA.

Everyone in politics and journalism at this point that isn’t screaming “LIARS!” every single day at the top of their lungs is suspect. Sarah Huckabee Sanders literally lies all day long, and the panderers in the White House press corps politely ask her questions each week, as if the lies are going to somehow suddenly cease — and then — while drawing the same breath, these same journalists misrepresent the words and intent of a comedian that brought truth to power?

Michelle Wolf dropped truth down on that house of cowards and charlatans like a motherfucking ANVIL.

All while Trump disparaged the “tough to watch”  Paralympics, describing the event from his safe-space bully pulpit in Michigan — too cowardly to show his face at the WHCD again this year — as limited crowds again chanted “lock her up” for an old grandma he ran against two years ago, and “Nobel, Nobel” because he somehow single-handedly united Korea.

Late Sunday evening, White House Correspondents’ Association President Margaret Talev issued a statement apologizing for comedian Michelle Wolf’s performance.

Oh, fuck you, Margaret. You fucking coward!

Media, you whore! Journalists covering this president are such fucking hypocritical jackasses. The stink of this man — the stink you still joyfully roll around in like pigs in shit — in the end, you do understand he will be your undoing? He is everyone’s undoing that gets too close to him. Faith in the institution of journalism has already been gutted, and you clueless, tone-deaf, humorless boors shat upon the 1st amendment at your own event, again?

Shame. Where’s the Game of Thrones meme when I need it? SHAME!

Also, Michelle Wolf didn’t attack anyone’s looks. The way some of the prominent journalists in our country fell all over themselves to defend Sarah fucking Huckabee Sanders’ honor, just rankles my cankles.

Michelle did her fucking job. She kicked all the chairs out from underneath you, you sleepy-eyed, coddled, shitgibbon enablers — and apparently you couldn’t tell ruthless political commentary from a fugly joke, if your journalistic integrity depended on it.

Which, it did.

Well, in the interest of truth and social responsibility, I would like to provide a few examples of what jokes attacking Sarah Sanders’ appearance could look like, if you encounter them out in the wild — this is not an effort to disparage, only to educate — where hopefully American journalists will be better equipped to tell the difference between cutting-edge political satire, and a fat joke.

Remember, these are just examples of what insensitive jokes might look like; they are not truly meant as disparaging remarks on Sanders’ physical appearance.

1.      Is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or did a bridge troll fuck Estée Lauder?

2.      What do Sarah Huckabee Sanders and circus elephants have in common? Both look like they’ve just come from trampling their makeup artists to death.

3.      Are you sure that’s Sarah Huckabee Sanders? I thought that was a Sumo wrestler exploring western cosplay.

There you go, faux journalists, now you know the difference!

Thankfully, there were many in the media with their integrity still intact that rushed to Wolf’s defense, along with every comedian in the country — save Dennis Miller.

Oh, Dennis.

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. Get some salve for that rash of Twitter burn you are experiencing. How could you not expect an avalanche of shit for saying you needed three days to write some mean jokes about Michelle? It thrills me so, that you have been irrelevant for so long, two generations of Americans have absolutely no idea who you are. Now that is fucking funny.  

Like countless politicians to date, many journalists and media entities enjoying the ratings boom over the last two years, will find that when this is over — when the adults have come to their senses, and the unruly baby boomers have all been put out to pasture — that their careers are forever tarnished, if not outright ruined by their association with this administration.

But right, it’s the funny, red-headed, spitfire comedienne that needs to apologize…

I believe most of us understand now, that this isn’t a news cycle, this is a news cyclone. Every week I take a snapshot of one, possibly two events, or one person, and the rest is just ripped into the sky, never to be heard from again.

It makes the choice of topic plentiful, I suppose, but it’s also a bit like being a bear in the middle of a salmon run.

Although this week the moon could have been on fire and I still would have written about Michelle. Is that a comedian under attack? Here, let me lower the bar.

In other breaking news, it seems the Trump lawyers themselves leaked the 49 questions the Mueller team provided — in a relatively transparent effort to try this “case” in the court of public opinion.

What you don’t know, is that those 49 questions used to be 54.

That’s right; our crack team of investigative journalists here at American Shithole uncovered five additional Mueller team questions for Trump — deemed too insensitive — that ultimately didn’t make the cut. At great legal risk to ourselves, we present them for you here:

1.      Mr. President, are there some paintings you worked on as a frustrated young artist we could compliment, retroactively?

2.      Treasonous-president-says-what? Gotcha!

3.      Mr. President, before you answer any further questions, have you considered how terrible you’re going to look in orange?

4.      Mr. President, when Vladimir Putin first informed you that he had the pee-pee tape, did you…

          a.       Piss yourself.

          b.      Shit and piss yourself.

          c.       Call Cohen, your idiot lawyer, then shit and piss yourself.

          d.      Immediately sell out your own country.

5.      When you immediately sold out your own country, did you even consider for even a fraction of a fucking second, you selfish, stupid, arrogant asshole, the suffering you would cause for every American and the damage you would do to the institutions of justice and the fabric of our democracy?

I’d like an answer to that last one — preferably via tweet from atop his stainless steel shitter in prison.

Some days I wake up and I don’t believe this is still happening. This administration is cause for enough embarrassment, and legitimate fear, that I don’t know if we will ever be able to hold our heads up again — at least in my lifetime.

I’m so ashamed to be an American — but there is a crest and swell on the horizon. I can see the wave gathering energy, still far out at sea; unstoppable forces of nature will come crashing down on our shores, come November.

B.S. Report

Congratulations are in order to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students, Cameron Kasky and Samantha Fuentes, as well as Zion Kelly, of Washington, who will be honored by PEN, a literary and human rights organization. On May 22, in New York City, the three students will be presented the PEN/Toni and James C. Goodale Freedom of Expression Courage Award. Congratulations!

 Stay strong, Dad.

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON JINX’S MAIN VOCAL EDEN…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE:18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 SKILL POINTS: 00 PERFORMANCE | 00 VOCAL | 00 DANCE | 00 RAP SECONDARY SKILLS: acting

INTERVIEW

eden is approachable but tempting. the ripened fruit in the garden, offering itself up to you, daring you to bite. she is the sugary honey sweetness of an overripe peach that bursts on your tongue. she is flushed cheeks, still rounded as if her youth may be endless, as if she will never outrun the image of the fresh faced girl who debuted so long ago, as if she will never be more than the dumpling princess peach of jinx. but she is. the girl next door you want to fuck. ruin.

eden’s image has matured over the years, or at least, she has matured. she has been allowed to do this safely, perhaps because of the offset of her features, because her voice outshines the movements they give to her. eden can writhe on stage, can wear the sharpest cat eye liner and the slickest red lips and forever and a day her fans will say “what a surprise, to see our little mandu so sexy, ” and it’s double edged maybe. maybe she’d like to be looked at as a woman.

but she’s used to this. to the infantilization that is in itself sexualization, a commentary on an industry that thinks a concept can’t possibly be deemed “sexy” if  they girls are in pastel tennis skirts, no matter how many times pelvises rock or legs spread or hands glide effortless over bodies.

despite her vocal power, she doesn’t run the route of a solo artist, not yet. maybe not ever.  she has the image for it, the draw to stand on stage. on stage she captivates, performance capabilities and energy overriding dance skills that at the start are truly lackluster. they improve over the years but it’s never something she’s known for, and she’s comfortable with that. “she’s got the gestures down, she’s not the best but i can’t take my eyes off her,” they say - when they’re kind, but then, with an ego like eden’s, you only see the kind comments anyway.

so with her cheeks as her shield, with her skill and a few years of aegyo trends under her belt, eden’s future begins on instagram. aesthetic photos begin softly but traipse towards risque, blending the virgin whore dichotomy with an effortlessness that seems impossible. there’s backlash, always is, in what can be perceived as attention seeking or affected, but eden is a master of push and pull, of sweet and sultry, and balances upon it as if on the edge of a razor. she builds a more serious image through her acting, embarks on various projects that truly don’t always do well (or even often), and the notable criticisms are there from the start. but she’s compelling, and she’s expressive, and more than that she’s hardworking. she puts in the hours. just stick to singing, that’s what you’re good at, they say. but she is stubborn and greedy and selectively deaf and continues forward stubbornly forging her path.

and ryan?

who is ryan anymore? is she kim rian born in seoul and transplanted at twelve, just in time for a young brain to be overloaded by unfamiliar syllables, because what english she had learned prior had been a standard northern american accent from after school tutors, not the fast paced natural speech of auckland new zealand. is she the girl adapting too, navigating a foreign country as ryan? is she the bright young thing with laughter like bells in all the choral classes, in vocal lessons after school, dutifully taking piano to appease her mother? is she ryan who moves back to seoul at eighteen with no idea of this place she is supposed to call home, this place her mother is so thrilled to return too? is she the ryan who is somewhat accidentally enfolded into the lineup for jinx, who learns in crash course fury how to smile and simper and sweeten that sharp tongue of hers? maybe she doesn’t know. maybe she never knew, really.

BIOGRAPHY

mangwon is a nice district. up and coming, they’ll tell you. trendy, a bit artsy. the next hongdae, but aimed at a bit older set. it was in a little rooftop apartment here that kim rian was born on a warm summer day - no hospital necessary. this was perhaps a foolish decision, but the kim family was home to two decidedly atypical parents. her mother an artist and. her father a gallery owner.  kim kyujin worked tirelessly and without  complaint to support the whims and whimsy of his wife, bae minji. at the time of her birth their home was modest at best and it would remain so, their district not yet the up and coming location it is today.

kim rian was born into a home of pastels, paints, flowers, and hardwork. tireless effort and patience were the tools of her parent’s trade and they applied this to rian as well. they were gentle but firm and poured their expectations into the young girl relentlessly. they did not mean to fill her to the point of bursting, but this is what happened, regardless.

kim rian was given every opportunity to succeed, and her father worked to the bone to make it happen. after school classes in english, in math, in art and in singing. she had a class for musicals, one for painting, one for korean literature, one for western literature. by the time she was in middle school she was out until ten each night and when she arrived home there was homework to do, piano pieces to practice, vocal scales to run.

when they discovered she had the voice of an angel, they traded some of the math lessons for vocal training, the arts for musicals, and so on. of course she enjoyed this - she enjoyed being talented, being told she was talented. she liked that she was making her parents proud, making them happy. when they had been endlessly sacrificing for her for so long, it felt as though it was her sworn duty to provide them that bliss.

the thing is, of course, that kim rian was never consulted about any of this. she never requested these sacrifices. more than anything. by high school the pressure was insurmountable. her voice continued to improve, her range growing, her appearance matching the soft and soulful nature of her music. “she sings like she’s lived a thousand years,” her trainer told her parents one day. “like she’s lived a thousand heartbreaks.”

maybe she had, in a sense. she’d always felt too much, too intensely, in a way that seemed just a bit More than other people did, perhaps a bit too much entirely. and in this way her parents did not mean to break her, but they did. hours of lessons. the pressure of performance. auditions for endless programs and schools, camps and opportunities.

so they relocate with her, right on the cusp of middle school, to new zealand of all places. it’s there that she learns the world is wide and vast and beyond her comprehension. the whole thing is isolating at first. it’s an arts school, for talented people, and she’s not the top of the barrel anymore. she learns, though, she progresses. she throws herself into after school english lessons to try and keep up with the curriculum, gets by on phonetically memorized ballads for awhile. unlike the more rigid korean idol system, they help her develop a tone of her own, something shaped to suit her voice first, her strengths. she learns from there to widen it, to expand her range to the airy falsettos of her home country. finds herself now, in a distant country, fiercely proud of korea. of the hallyu wave as it spreads.

she finds a new goal, in returning to the idol scene back home, which riddles her parents with dismay. where was this misplaced pride back home, when her gaze was turned to distant shores? why had they sent her to this expensive and thoroughly classical school only for her to awaken a love of pop music? she picks up dancing - she’s not great, but her performance ability is strong. she’s got the lung capacity of a damn whale, apparently.

she returns to korea at eighteen, vocational training landing her a spot as a vocal tutor. she’s apprenticed to a big name in the business, following her around to her lessons, in awe of the music that pours so freely from the lips of others, jealous of their opportunities. after having failed to catch eyes at global auditions or through submitted tapes, she thinks its enough just to be near the magic. the woman she’s been shadowing brings her along one day to midas media, and the melancholic fury in her bones is insurmountable. the desire to have been a part of this gleaming pinnacle, the knowledge she couldn’t have it.  

she’s given the chance to help with the lesson. and just as soon as she opens her mouth to coach them, she found herself drawing their attention. there was a flurry in the corner as he pulled out his phone, trained it on her. she remembers now blinking away her confusion in favor of returning to the lesson. when she came back at the end of the week for her next scheduled lesson, alongside her trainer, their students are gone. in their place were company representatives, and a contract. and thus started her crash course in idol activities, in dance, in presence and poise and passion.

once more a maelstrom of expectations and desires that were not her own had overcome her, caught her up, taken her into a new and bizarre world. debut came swiftly as she upset the lineup- a vocally geared group needed someone with her wide range and endless years of training. and besides, they had time. midas was a well honed system. she had the vocals down, they just had to get her up to speed with the dance, and her modest background was enough that gruelling hours of training, working her double time compared to the others, was enough to push her towards debut. by the time she was finished, they’d taken a round cheeked girl with a honeyed voice and made her something formidable, had taught her to use the presence of gaze and motion to overcome for faults in dancing, to make the world long for her the way she’d longed for this, for the stage.

a journey starts with one step, and that was hers.

endless years in the industry later she’s known for her soft image, her clean character, her outspoken nature and the fact that she appears to be the portrait of dorian gray in lithe, fairylike form, ageless and undying. this is the image she crafts - like the softness of impeccably carved marble, of soft spun linen and thick drawn liner, the dichotomy of what it means to be innocent and alluring at once, begging to be tarnished.

she picks up role after role, expands her sphere into acting, and every time the reaction is the same. they cast her as a teenager, as a smiling love interest, they relegate her to roles that are bright and youthful and as years tick by she wonders if anyone will ever notice she’s a grown woman. if anyone will ever look past naturally rounded cheeks and take her seriously. it seems unlikely, but it’s an uphill battle she’s willing to fight. 

in reality, ryan isn’t sure who she is, besides an aching maw of yearning, a void that won’t fill, a desperation she can’t shake, a melancholy that she’s never quite able to unseat. there’s sensitivity, sensibility, honey sticky sweet and the bloom of flowers, dense with hidden thorns, a nostalgia for a life she hasn’t lived, will never have.