#like it's crazy i have to wonder like why am i existing if im just locking myself in my room all day everyday

[mooodyblue]

ignore me lol

[saisiprincessa]

GORGEOUS GIRL VAUNT ❥❃

scripting beauty…

why am i so pretty, like jaw-dropping pretty? I can’t enter a room without being starred at in awe. I can’t walk the street without people telling me how gorgeous I am, honestly it’s just become normal to me. I melt hearts with just a stare, I make minds go blank with just a second of eye contact and the tiniest touch.

I have been blessed with the most beautiful face in existence. Although some bitches try, there is no angle of me that could ever make me look bad, i always get comments on how insane that is.

“Why do you never look bad? it’s inane”

Girls use me as a template, they use me as the standard pretty girl. They try and emulate my style and how I walk, but they could never look like me and that’s what drives them crazy.

Men (and women) do insane things to get my attention, how many times has “have my babies” been screamed in my direction, i stopped counting a while ago. My pretty privilege is through the roof, guys have bought me things from jewellery to bags to cars just for an ounce of my attention. Billionaire heirs have asked for my hand in marriage more times that i can count.

Other girls look at me and wonder how it’s fair for a girl to look this good. Eventhough people go crazy of me, i’m so protected to the point where nothing bad can happen to me. The jealousy and obsession never get to a point where they can hurt me.

People don’t believe i’m real when seeing how gorgeous i am, every photo of me is a masterpiece and im literally everyone’s dream girl.

i’m vs angel pretty, the type that people are addicted to, the innocent yet so, so sexy look. I have the type of face people go to war for.

Even though i’m so talented in other areas, my beauty is a main thing im known for, no wonder im a model

[ln4smiamitrophy]

𝐈𝐓’𝐋𝐋 𝐁𝐄 𝐎𝐊𝐀𝐘

𐙚 summary; the one where the reader meet charles and realises that maybe soulmates do exist

ʚɞ pairing; charles leclerc x singer!reader

ᡣ𐭩 fc; maisie peters (& a pinterest girl for the ferrari post as maisie hasn’t attended a gp)

⭒ type; smau

⟡ a/n; this isn’t my best work at all but i haven’t posted in forever because i’ve been really busy so enjoy this lovelies

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y/nusername

liked by taylorswift, florencepugh and others

y/nusername “the prophecy” out everywhere now <3

comments…

user1 AAAAHHHHHHHH

user2 IM CRYING WTF

taylorswift it was such a pleasure to write with you

⤷ user4 THEY CO-WROTE THIS!? OMFG

user5 “don’t want money just someone who wants my company” HEARTBREAKING 💔

user6 her exes better know how to fight, i’m coming for them

⤷ user7 i’ll help you !!

user8 i don’t think the bridge to a song has ever hurt me more

⤷ user9 NO CAUSE ID Y/N SEES NO SIGN OF SOULMATES WHAT CHANCE DO I HAVE!? she’s literally perfect and she thinks there’s no soulmate for her 😭😭😭

florencepugh i love you, you’re incredible

⤷ y/nusername i love you most flo

user10 the day i get over this song is the day i die

and more…

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scuderiaferrari

📍• melbourne grand prix circuit

liked by y/nusername, charles_leclerc and others

scuderiaferrari look who popped in to say hello 👋🏻 ❤️ (i am your biggest fan - admin)

tagged y/nusername

comments…

y/nusername and i’m your biggest fan admin❤️

⤷ scuderiaferrari ❤️❤️

user1 NOT HER RELEASING THE SADDEST FUCKING SONG EVER AND THEN ATTENDING A GP ALL SMILES LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED 😭😭

user2 since when was y/n an f1 girlie!?

⤷ user3 since forever!!

user4 i’m living for y/n x ferrari

user57 another female celebrity pretending to like f1 for more fame, great 😒😒

⤷ user5 stfu she has literally been an f1 fan for years, there are so many videos of her talking about it

user6 manifesting a ferrari win today

user7 when my two worlds collide

and more…

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y/nusername

liked by charles_leclerc, sabrinacarpenter and others

y/nusername 4 weeks in 4 pictures

comments…

user1 loving the sunglasses

⤷ y/nusername they’re so fun aren’t they??

user2 she’s so unbelievably beautiful

sabrinacarpenter i miss you 😢

⤷ y/nusername i miss you more angel, see you soon

user4 i wonder who the guy is

⤷ user5 call me crazy, kinda looks like charles leclerc and he’s in the likes

⤷ user6 you’re crazy, it’s been like 2 months since the aus gp

taylorswift i’d like my hot water bottle back please

⤷ y/nusername no 😢😓

and more…

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charles_leclerc

liked by carlossainz55, scuderiaferrari and others

charles_leclerc 🛥️🛥️

comments…

user1 charles with children is the cutest thing ever

⤷ user2 no cause he’ll deffo be the best dad

user3 DIDN’T Y/N JUST CUT HER HAIR THIS SHORT!?

⤷ user4 SHE DID!!! IT HAS TO BE HER!!!

landonorris 🫣

⤷ user5 LANDO WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?

⤷ user6 TELL US NOW!!

carlossainz55 not even trying to hide it anymore

⤷ charles_leclerc i hate you

⤷ user7 Y/NCHARLES CONFIRMATION!?

and more…

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f1

liked by y/nusername, scuderiaferrari and others

f1 THE ONE HE ALWAYS WANTED 🥹🏆

Charles Leclerc is the first home winner of the Monaco Grand Prix for 93 years!

What a moment for the Monegasque native ❤️🇲🇨

comments…

olliebearman ❤️

user1 jules is smiling down at him, i know it 🥹

⤷ user2 and his dad

user3 ngl i sobbed

⤷ user4 we all did

carlossainz55 a long time coming ❤️

user5 WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HOW HE LITERALLY RAN TO Y/N AND KISSED HER!?

⤷ user6 LITERALLY I SCREAMED!!!!

⤷ user7 I FUCKING KNEW THEY WERE TOGETHER

and more…

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y/nusername

liked by charles_leclerc, taylorswift and others

y/nusername surprise single time! “the alchemy” out now !!

tagged; charles_leclerc

comments…

user1 SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

user2 she really said “THIS SONG IS ABOUT CHARLES LECLERC!!!”

⤷ user3 fr!! she’s leaving no room for rumours

charles_leclerc mon coeur ❤️

*liked by y/nusername*

⤷ y/nusername je t’aime ❤️

user4 “WHERE’S THE TROPHY?! HE JUST COMES RUNNING OVER TO ME!!!!”

⤷ user5 NO I ACTUALLY DIED

taylorswift i’m so proud of you

⤷ y/nusername i love you

user6 I LOVE HOW SHE INCLUDED THE PICS

⤷ user7 THEY ARE THE F1 COUPLE

charles_leclerc i told you soulmates do exist my girl

⤷ y/nusername shush

⤷ carlossainz55 this is sick(eningly cute)

⤷ user8 carlos really speaking for all of us

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taglist; @danielshoe @amorrziinho @soamericn @urfavwelshie @xylinasdiary @cleaswn @marknolee @shineforever19 @formulaal @manicpixiemom @lemon-lav

comment to be added to taglist <3

[paiges-1vur]

pt. 1. | from across the crowd.. as always, enjoy loves <3 *prologue posted* 🏀⚡️🪩

“what.. you guys, why are you all looking at me like that!” my words led to only more strange looks. my friends all sat around me, mouths open. “tiff. oh my gosh. are you joking!” my friends all start bombarding me with insults and “i can’t believe you’s”

i seriously had no clue this girl even existed until my friends had shown me her.. ten minutes before the game started. while i didn’t even know of her existence, my friends seemed to know her whole life story.

“okay guys but should i put it on?” i ask the group around me. i mean, i was genuinely cold. i had goosebumps forming on my arms and legs from how cold it was in the stadium. i should have noticed something was off when i left my apartment and nobody else was in going out clothes.

my closest friend madisen, who also seemed to know the most about paige encouraged me to put it on. “she wouldn’t have given it to you if she didn’t want you to wear it.. right?” she says shrugging. i slowly pull the hoodie over my head, immediately feeling warmed up.

the hoodie says uconn basketball on it, and has paiges number and last name on it. im immediately flooded by her scent. she smells… really good. like a mix of musk, wood, and smoke. as the rest of the game plays out all i can think about is the fact that i’m wearing her hoodie. i didn’t want the moment to ever end. but it unfortunately did when the buzzer sounded and Uconn was announced the winner.

me and my friends decided to stick around after the game for a little while. they got up to throw out our trash, and empty drink cans while i tried to find paige. i wanted to thank her for lending me her hoodie. its the least i could have done.

as i get up to search for paige, i see her walk out of the locker room.. and walking up to me. she was smiling, standing in front of me, practically towering over me. to be fair, i am 4’11 but that is only due to terrible genetics, and a very short mother. “hey” is all she says, but its enough to make my heart beat faster.

“hey, your name is… paige right?” i say to her smiling innocently, pausing before saying her name, not sure if i had remembered it totally correctly. honestly i could forget my own name right now if she asked me for it. she laughs slightly before responding, “yea thats my name, you remember me?”

I try to play it cool. “well my friends wouldnt shut up about you the whole game” i say laughing. “i didnt even know who you were before i got here.. well they dragged me here, and then almost killed me when i didnt know who you were. long story” i say, trying to explain the crazy night i’ve had. she laughed harder than me, surprised at my confession. “oh.. so you’re telling me you just showed up here, not even knowing who i was?”

im slightly embarrassed, and i hope its not showing on my cheeks. “well.. I’ve never been a fan of basketball, so my friends knew i wouldnt come to the game. they told me we were going out to the bars tonight, and dragged me here. that’s why i was wearing such a… revealing outfit before you gave me your hoodie. bad outfit planning on my part. and yea to be honest i had never heard of you in my life” I try to explain clearly, but I’m not even sure if i believe this all happened in one night.

“oh, wow so you really had no idea who i was?” she sounds almost surprised at this fact. “no.. not really, why?” I say, a slight bit confused. i wonder if i should have known her.

“oh, here’s your hoodie, by the way” i say, pulling it off and folding it into my hands. im now left in ny old outfit. my jean mini skirt and Uconn tank top leave quite frankly, little to the imagination. im not very proud of how i look in this moment, but the least i can do is give paige her hoodie back. “nah, don’t worry about it you can keep it. you look..” her eyes roam my body quickly, “cold anyway. and it looks better on you than me.” i smile at her and slip it back on. the hoodie reaches my mid thigh, its so oversized. “thank you so much- again im so sorry i didn’t know the stadiums were so.. cold oh my gosh.” i say laughing.

she laughs too, looking down at me and smiling. she bites her lip, like shes thinking hard about something before she speaks again. “can i, ask you a question?” im suddenly intrigued why paige bueckers would want to ask me a question but i bite. “yea sure, go ahead.” i say smiling at her, awaiting her next words.

“you probably have a boyfriend.. right?”

[reidmania]

heyyy I saw your fanfic about the mental health and depression things and I would loveeee if you would write one about the reader self harming and Miguel finds out and comforts them🧡 I’ve struggled with self harm and depression and your fics help so much!

JUST HOLD ON

miguel o’hara

summary; miguel’s heart breaks when he finds out what you do to yourself

warnings; mentions of self harm, comfort, swearing, could be very poorly written and im so so so sorry if it is xx

an; thank you for requesting, i want to remind everyone that i am in NO WAY romanticising self harm or mental health problems, i wanted to make this series to help people who dont have somewhere to go or someone to talk to, these are purely just comfort fics

i also want to say, youre not alone, and i know self harm is a coping mechanism for many, myself included, but there is so many other healthy ways to cope and i want everyone to know that if you ever ever ever need anybody to talk to, im always here and i want to do my best to make sure youre all okay.

long sleeves, jumpers, scafs, bandaids, bracelets. you were always wearing one or the other. miguel never asked why, he thought maybe you just found it more comfortable.

the entire time you and miguel had been dating, and in a relationship, it had been the cold seasons of the year, and now with summer coming in quick, you were stressing.

miguel isn’t stupid, he would wonder why you’re wearing a jumper or a long sleeve in ridiculous heat, he would question it, and that set you off in a panic.

it was fine, during the day when miguel was at the HQ doing his spider business, but when he got home, your mind went crazy.

although, to you, you did a good job hiding it.

“im home!” miguel says, your eyes widen as you get off the couch quickly, “one sec!” you reply, running up to your bedroom to get a jumper, quickly throwing on the first one you can find, you go back to meet miguel.

you wrap your arms around him, he does the same, squeezing you tightly. “how was your day?” you ask, as you let go of him, walking to the kitchen to start with dinner.

“not bad.. newbies are always rough” miguel says softly, leaning against the wall in the kitchen. “baby” he says softly.

you hum in response, occupied by cutting vegetables. “why do you have the AC on, while wearing a jumper?” he wasn’t mad, he was genuinely just wondering.

regardless you freak, trying to come up with an explanation, “my top half was cold” you say, shrugging.

miguel laughs, “do you need some help?” he says, leaning off of the wall to come up next to you,

“yes, boil some water”

miguel wasn’t stupid. he knew you better then he knew himself, and he knew your top half was always hotter then your bottom half, you were always wearing pants and rubbing your sleeves over your legs.

so he was confused.

it had been like this for a while now, little things would concern miguel but he didn’t want to bring them up, incase they were nothing.

today was weird though, while you were still asleep, in bed, miguel had to get ready for the day, looking in the laundry for a pair of socks, he finds one of your tshirts.

he ignored it at first, before he saw the red stains along the sleeves, his mind first went to, ‘that time of the month’ but you don’t get that in your arm.

he frowns, confused. deciding to figure it out later.

“lyla, do you know whats up with y/n” he asks softly, trying to stay focused on his work, but concern filled his body.

“what do you mean” she asks back, miguel sighs. “tell a soul, and i will literally end your existence” he says, “okok! just say it”

“i don’t think ive ever seen y/n’s arms”

“you think she doesn’t have arms?”

“no- shut up. like shes always wearing long sleeves, or jumpers, or her wrists are covered in bracelets.”

“oh miguel” lyla frowns. “what- what does that mean”

“obviously i cant be 100% sure, i don’t know personally, but it very much could be her trying to hide something..” she says.

“what?” miguel asks, shaking his head “hide what?”

“this isn’t my place to tell, just talk to her”

when miguel came home that evening, he was even more confused and concerned then he was when he left in the morning. he called out, but didn’t get a response, he hums.

he finds you in the living room, asleep on the couch, he smiles softly before he notices your arm.

no long sleeve, no jumper, no bracelets.

his eyes widen as he looks at the blood stains on your arm, the tissue in your other hand, covered in blood. if it was just one miguel would just assume it was an accident.

but he sees it, all of it, the numerous scas, fresh and old cuts, he can feel his stomach drop. next to the paper he finds a small razor, he picks it up quickly, throwing it out before he comes back, taking a deep breath.

“y/n” he says softly, you were a light sleeper, “mm?” you reply, until something must of clicked in your brain.

you sit up quickly, pulling you arm to your chest, youre pale like you have seen a ghost, miguel is heartbroken.

“come with me” he says softly, you pause for a minute as he starts walking, but when he turns around to you, you stand up and follow him.

into your bedroom, he tells you to sit on the bed, before he goes into the bathroom for a moment. “miguel- im sorry” you finally say.

he doesn’t reply, coming out with a first aid kit, kneeling on the ground in front of you. wiping your arm, so damn gently.

he continues to clean and bandage your arm, without saying anything before he sits next to you on the bed.

you have tears in your ears, and a yuck feeling in your stomach, “come here” miguel says, lifting you onto his lap, facing him, he wraps his arms around you.

“im sorry, miggy”

“don’t apologise baby, you don’t have to feel bad about this okay? you have done nothing wrong”

“i-“

“i want you to know, im here, im going to be here regardless of what happens, okay? this isn’t healthy, baby. but i know its a coping mechanism for you, we just gotta find a healthier one, together yeah?”

“yeah” you say softly, buried in his neck.

“i hate knowing you’ve been hurting yourself baby, someone is hurting my special girl, and i had no idea” he says, looking at you as he moves your hair behind your ear.

you frown, as you look up at him. “no more” you say.

“no more” he agrees.

“i want you to promise me, that if you need me or ever think about doing it again, you will get me straight away, i don’t care whats happening or what im doing, youre my priority, always”

“i love you miggy, i promise”

“i love you too, cmon, lets get you changed then watch allll the rom coms you want” he says, kissing your face.

[ataraxixx]

my piece on why i really like echo. i have ruminated a lot of these thoughts in my brain for awhile but i realized ive never actually made a public post abt it .. echoheads lets discuss extensively

see. i think we can all agree about the most common echo characterization. at least the one i usually see in fics? and generally most fan content. hes a happy-go-lucky guy whos a bit child-like or naive, very innocent and mostly just glad to be here and full of wonder and whimsy and etc. and also really loves zane and is very kind and sweet and etc.

i am not saying this is an incorrect characterization by any means . obviously. because hes literally got like 5 minutes of screentime and most of that is spent not talking so its really up to whoevers writing him how they want to take his character. but i also think that making him just. Fine with everything is a very underwhelming way to take his character. because he could be so much more than just. zane's brother who is innocent and silly. he can be innocent and silly and still have complicated feelings about his situation and existence yk.

i enjoy villain/antag echo bc it gives him a role in which to explore those complicated feelings as Himself. not as second fiddle to whatever zane is doing, but as a story of his own to come into his identity. because often times when hes included in fan content hes there just to be zanes brother and nothing else. which is so sad for him. because in canon thats all he ever was and all he'll ever be to his father. to zane. to the ninja. he's just the copy. the lesser version. he can never be his own self he will always be a derivative of zane.

like how is that not an interesting thing to explore. and how could we not think about the complicated feelings he would have about that. echo isnt stupid. he isnt incapable of having those kinds of feelings about his identity or role in the world because he is Literally Zane. he is programmed to be identical and he is in every facet of his personality and mannerisms a reflection of how zane was before he met wu/the ninja. when he was just a bit clueless about the world but not Stupid. just unknowledgable. and he was still capable of complicated feelings about himself because we see as early as episode 2 of season 1 he is wondering about himself and his role in the team and how he feels about the world. he isnt just content every day of his life to simply be there; he questions things and thinks about them deeply. why do fan creators often rob echo of this same capability and dumb him down to simply being child-like or incapable of complicated thought?

i always see him just. Fine with everything. and i dont think he needs to be a villain or evil or even violent to make him an interesting character. but i also think that anger and violence is a natural progression of the situation he has been put in by the doctor and by extension the ninja. they too do not regard him as his own individual, only as an extension of zane. which is literally crazy. because he is a whole ass person. they disregard his identity because its the same exact one as a person they already know; but he has no control over that. he didnt ask to be made as a copy of someone else, and now he exists, and he is forced to live knowing he was never his own person, even though he Is. Because he is Himself and he Exists and yet he isnt because his face doesnt belong to him and his voice doesnt belong to him and his name doesnt belong to him. the world decided he is someone else and he cant be who he actually is because someone else is Already him. like christ man. why are we sleeping on this and just making him like yayyy:3 im so happy i love everything or whatever. bro should be questioning his existence!

because i do think joining the SoG gives him such an excellent entry into both formulating his own identity while also paralleling harumi in an interesting way; for both characters in their attempts to create their own identities opposing the ones theyve been forced into, they end up only relating themselves to that identity anyway. in echos attempts to separate himself from zane he ends up relegating himself to hating zane because zane took something from him, an acknowledgement that he is a copy in the first place. their scrapped fight dialogue is so interesting guys. a discarded replica an experiment left to rust. should he not be upset that despite not asking to be made, much less in the image of someone else, he was left abandoned? that he was created solely to be hated by his creator for not being Someone Else? And now he is stuck always chasing after the shadow of that person because he was never meant to be his own person. only zane's copy. never as good as the original. and he has to live with that. its so devastating and good characterization and so interesting that i cannot pass up on it for simply having him be Guy Who is Happy and Innocent.

He is not stupid. He would definitely have less anger in his heart if the ninja got to him before Harumi did, but i think its so impossible that he can simply look at zane and feel nothing. that he can see the person who has cursed his existence into meaninglessness and just be like omg brother:3 because he is doomed to constantly be relegated to Zane's Brother and he will never be Echo to these people that call him a friend. He cant even use his own name he has to be Echo. because its someone elses name and not his even though it Is His its the name his father gave him. but hes not allowed to use it because hes not the original. and he is lesser. and he will always just be zanes brother and he will never be zane. and he will never even be echo. isnt that so fucked.

[thecapricunt1616]

Blue Lotus - SxC Fic - Chapter 2

♡ Summary: Carmy & Syd go horseback riding!!! Carmy's therapy friends push him to go for what he wants, his 'light at the end of the tunnel'

♡ W/C: 6,534

♡ Posted Date: 04/07/2024

♡ A/N: Hayoooo!!! I am too inspired... this has become a multi-chap fic hahaha I am havin' so much fun here!! Thank you @gingergofastboatsmojito for inspiring me to keep going!!! ILY! As per usual please know - this fic was inspired by THIS FIC here - Tucson by the GLORIOUS GINGER!!!! Go read that before you even THINK about reading this fic ok?! I love how I hate storer for the same reasons but im a sucker for writing a slowburn - I find myself screaming at MYSELF internally "make them kiss already!!!!" but they will KISSSS SHORTLY SO SHORTLY MY DEARSSSS !!! It will be a JUICY TAYLOR SWIFT DAYLIGHT ASS KISS OK!!!! THEY WILL ONLY SEE EACHOTHER FROM THEN ON!!!! Its gonna be a 'and I can still see it all in my mind all of you all of me intertwined I USED TO THINK LOVE WOULD BE BLACK AND WHITE BUT ITS GOLDENNNNNNN. We need Carmy to realize a few more things but then - he will be hozier level devoted to this woman even more then he already is, I hope you enjoy!!

♡ Warnings for BTC: Not really any? Like? LOL - Swearing?! Smoking cigarettes?! They just went horseback riding & carmy went to therapy- oh Ig talks of carmy getting hard LMAO but thats as crazy as we get this chapter. ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

Stardust nudges his shoulder so hard he almost falls over, and he turns to look at her. His heart jumped into his throat, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. She was there, she was really there. 

“Uh-” he blinked a few times, to be sure that she wouldn’t disappear. “Syd? Hey..uh-” he felt his entire body buzzing with excitement. He couldn’t help the smile that took over his features. She looked… gorgeous. Carmen wasn’t sure there actually was a word in any human language ever to exist that could describe just how wonderful she looked. 

Her hair was in its natural state, she was wearing an adorable corduroy jacket, black jeans, and white sneakers. “You came to a farm…in those?” he motions to her shoes. 

She laughs a bit “Wow- it’s great to see you too, Carm. Didn’t realize you were…actually like living on a farm” she approached him carefully. 

“Shit- yes- fuck- It’s its so good to see you, Syd, C’mere” he pulls her into a tight, long hug. The smell of her lavender vanilla perfume nearly made him melt. 

“You’re like…tan- and…muscley now” She laughs a bit, squeezing his arm lightly. 

“Uh..” he pulled away, cheeks bright red. “Yeah uh.. It's like- fuckin hard t’ride a horse. And the um…” he rubbed his neck nervously “The uh cows.. They eat hay? Most the time, and so we need to move the bales during the morning for em, they’re like…. 75? 80 pounds? So moving like 10 back and forth every day helps. And I dont really.. Go inside? Here? Its like… uh.. Thats the therapy mostly, the animals- at least f’me” he said sheepishly. 

She nodded, looking around the stable. “That one behind you is yours? Shes been side-eying me creepily since I started talking” she pointed to Stardust. 

“Oh! Fuck sorry yea, well- no…not- not mine- I got ‘er t’trust me. But uh, yeah this is Stardust. She’s a super sweet girl” He explained. Stardust leaned in, sniffing Syds hair carefully. 

“Cute- All you’re missing is a hat” She teased.

He chuckled a bit,  “Ok, c’mon - why are you here, Syd” He said with a small smile, crossing his arms over his chest.

She shrugged, looking at the ground and kicking a rock out of the way with her shoe. “Cause…I was worried- I dunno…” She definitely wasn't going to get bold and tell him that she’d missed him, terribly.

“Ok…well now that y’here, and y’see i’m okay…wanna have some fun?” He asked, a small smile on his lips.

Syd looked back up at him, as if he had 3 heads. “Okay- Where is Carmen Berzatto- Not his… Weird alien clone- Camren Brazota” she said, laughing a bit ��what do you mean fun?” She asked, and Carmy laughed, real, and genuine. 

“Well- If I didn’t change my view a little I’d never leave. So, yes, Syd, ‘a little fun never hurt noone’ - per my therapist. Shes fuckin annoying. I much prefer the horses.” He pet Star’s mane and she leaned into his touch.

“Holy shit” Syd laughed a bit. “Wow- alright. I feel like you’re a whole new man already, what kind of fun?” she mused. 

“Ever ridden a horse?” he walked over to the saddle rack, pulling off a double seated one and hanging it over the back of the stall door. 

“No- Actually, Don’t I need um…like - stuff for it?” she asked. 

“Oh don’t think I wont give you the full experience” he opened the riding closet, “Whats your shoe size?” he asked, crouching down and looking through the pairs of extras. 

“8? Er- 9 probably 9” she said. He dug through them until he found a matching pair.

“These should do, y’stuff is cool here we can just leave it in her stall” he told her, holding out his arm for her to hold while she switched her shoes.

“You seem like…” she said as she slipped off her sneaker and put on the boot. “I dunno…chill- well- i wont go that far- but chill-er then before.” Carm snorted a laugh, holding on to her arm to steady her. 

“Thanks? I guess..that’s good right?” He asked. 

“Yeah! Yeah of course…I mean, it’s nice. To see you not so…anxious.” She said, slipping the other boot on. 

“Yeah I um…” he cleared his throat, opening the stall door. “I uh..I’m takin meds- Now? Uh..all this shit. Y’know they have me like tranquilized more then these guys” he said and she laughs, Carmen smiled proudly at the fact, relishing in the wonderful sound. 

“But yeah like Like 3 er..er 4. they say I had all this uh..mental shit. Goin’ on w’me and that’s why I was all…wound up I guess” he explained, calling Star out and getting her harness situated. 

Syd caught herself staring at his arms as he worked, how the toned muscle moved beneath the fabric of the shirt. 

“Aren’t you freezing?” She asked, noticing he wasn’t wearing a jacket like she was. 

“Used to it now, well- I mean the moving around. It gets hot this shit is heavy. Wanna try to hold the saddle?” He asked, unhooking the saddle from the stall door where he’d left it momentarily. 

“It can’t be that bad” she countered. 

“I think this thing weighs probably as much as you do.” He said “hold out your arms” he smiled a bit. 

She lifted her arms out in front of her and he plops the saddle down, she had to plant one of her feet forward so she didn’t fall face first due to the sudden weight and he laughed, catching the saddle quickly and baring most the weight. 

“Told you” he teased. 

She rolled her eyes “yeah whatever. Saddle up the horse, cowboy” she dropped the saddle back in his arms. He hurled the saddle over Stars back with a grunt. 

“Fuckin hell” he huffed, realizing since the saddle was nearly double the weight as his usual, and being on the shorter end- he couldn’t just get it on her when she was standing straight. “Bow” he told the horse and she just stared at Sydney. 

“Don’t embarrass me, Star. Bow” he told her and she looked the other way. 

“So uhhh…this one’s trained, huh?” Sydney teased. 

Carmen looked back at her “mmhmm maybe she doesn’t like strangers” he said, walking over to the other side. 

“Since she’s bein difficult y’gonna have T’help. C’mere” he waved her over and she followed. “So when I push it up, just grab the saddle pad and make sure it doesn’t move, yea?” He asked. 

“The fuck is a saddle pad, dude- I know my way around a kitchen not a fuckin horse stable.” She looked at the many different layers the horse was already wearing. 

“Alright. So this,” he lifted the cloth, “is her blanket. Keeps her core warm. And beneath it” he pats the pad “this is her saddle pad, it makes it more comfortable. So our bones aren’t like..diggin in her back and shit. Also shock, when she jumps the foam of it helps our weight disperse. The saddle is so big and heavy I can’t keep the pad still at the same time, so just hold it f’me,” he took her hand, guiding it to where he wanted her to hold. 

She felt her heartbeat quicken, his hands were so large and calloused on top of her own. She nodded wordlessly, keeping her eyes trained on where she was meant to be holding and focusing on keeping it steady as he went back around and carefully lifted up the heavy saddle with a grunt, laying it over the horses back. 

“Jesus- how much can this thing carry” Syd asked. 

“Well she is a mare, she weighs about…mmm- 1900? She can comfortably hold about 400 pounds for a decent distance but she can’t do that for hours and hours at a time. We together can’t be more then 300, and her gear is less then 100 pounds. Were just goin f’r a quick ride, I gotta get to therapy at 3” he explained as he buckled on her saddle. 

“Ah. So you’ve been memorizing horse information instead of creating recipes? I figured when I got here you’d have gone nuts by now without being in a kitchen so long” she gently touched the horses mane as she spoke. 

“Maybe. Well…I am kinda goin crazy? But I can’t…let it out?” He chuckled a bit “does that make sense? Nights are a little hard before my sleep meds kick in but that just says I haven’t done enough that day” he got up. “So y’gettin up first since I’m sittin in back” he explained. 

“Oh…uh- ok how do I?” She asked looking up at the at least 7 foot tall animal. 

“Y’not gonna be able to do it alone. C’mere” he told her. She comes over and looks at him. 

“How the fuck do you do this?” She looked up at the saddle that was at the top of her head before looking back at him. 

“So-“ he snorts a laugh at her wide confused expression. “She’s not gonna like you trying to roll up on her back, and I don’t want you t’get thrown off, she can be moody with new people. I almost broke my shoulder my first time trying to ride her” he said and she crossed her arms slightly. 

“So how. How do I get up there?” She asked. He pulled out a step stool, setting it next to the horse and getting up on the third step. 

“I’m giving you a lift. Arms up” he said with a playful smirk. 

“No- no way- Carmen that’s too high. You’ll drop me!!” She took a step back, feeling slightly nervous. 

“I won’t because I’ll bribe her Syd. C’mere” he pulled a pack of peep marshmallows out of his pocket and the horse nearly starts dancing. 

“Carm- what the fuck is happening?” She asked and Carmy chuckled. 

“Bow. Cmon Syd wants t’ride. Bow and you’ll get y’treat star.” He told the horse. 

It obediently bowed down and before Syd could process what was happening, Carm was scooping her up beneath her arms Syd squealed in surprise. “Oh my GOD WHY ARE YOU PICKING ME UP!” She shrieked, wiggling in his arms. 

“open y’legs! Cmon! she’s gonna get up!!!” Carmen laughed holding her up higher. Syd finally obeyed and he gently plopped her on the first saddle. “Good girl” he told the horse, feeding her the marshmallow and putting the packet in his pocket again before swiftly getting on behind Syd. 

“Alright. Hard part done.” He reached around her waist, and she lifted her arms slightly. 

“What- can you tell me what’s going on? I’m a horse virgin!” She said, and they both went quiet for a moment, before cracking up laughing. Syd leaned to her left slightly as she tried catching her breath, grabbing the rein for stability and tugging. 

Star took off sprinting, Syd screamed in surprise, her body going tight with fear. Carmen quickly wrapped his arms around Syds waist protectively, tugging on the reigns “WOOOOAH!” He called to Star and she quickly came to a stop. 

“Stand.” He told the horse firmly. 

“What the fuck Carm I thought she was trained!” Syd exclaimed, gripping onto his forearms for dear life. 

“I gotchu, you think I’d let her kick you off?” He tightened his arms around her. Carmen swore his heart was thumping so hard that she felt it on her shoulder blade. 

“Also when she moves it’s hard to keep still.” She said nervously. 

“Don’t worry, I gotchu, Syd. Lean into me, if our weight is centered then it’ll be easier for all 3 of us” he gently pushed at her stomach. 

She leaned back into his broad chest, “see” he said softly. He was lucky the angle didn’t allow for her to see him, because his face was bright red, And having her body pressed against his…was making him flush somewhere else too. 

He clicked his tongue and Stardust started walking again, at an easy comfortable trot. “This…is ok.” She said, much more comfortable now. 

“I’m gonna take you t’one of my favorite spots.” He said, pulling on the reins to the left lightly so she would follow the left trail. 

“Wow, already sharing secret spots huh? I think this therapist may just be Doctor of the year I don’t even think I’ve seen your favorite Chicago spots” she teased. 

Carm laughed a bit, he felt so much lighter with Syd around. And life had been lighter ever since he got here. 

“How is…uh- how is it back home?” He cleared his throat lightly. It was something that had being weighing on him. Yes, he was here, he was doing the thing. He was making Sugar happy. He was making Syd happy…but he would go back, at some point. 

And his biggest fear was things will just go right back. He won’t have this outlet, he won’t have sunset rides with Stardust to ease his mind. He won’t have the cows happily running up to him and greeting him when he was the first one to bring out a bale of hay. He felt like if he was here, he may have the confidence to tell Syd how he feels. But back home? It was another life. 

“Fine..things are..y’know. The usual shit. But nothing bad, no one’s getting locked in any freezers if that’s what you mean” she said playfully. 

Carm rolled his eyes with a light smile. “Mmhmm. So the restaurant is-“ 

“Is fine.” She said. “I’d have told you. You know that.” She said and he nodded a bit. 

“I know she scared you back there…but it’s pretty fun to go fast. You wanna try?” He asked. 

She shifted a bit uncomfortably, her hands tightening around his arms that were holding the reins around her waist. “Uhh…maybe? Are you sure we won’t fall off?” She questioned. 

“I’m sure. Here you can be the one to control it. Start light ok? With your legs.” He gently ran his hands down her thighs to right below her knees “here” he said softly, squeezing the flesh gently so she wouldn’t have to lean and look. “With that part of your legs, give her a little squeeze. But really light, or we’ll take out of here like a bat out of hell” he held around her waist again, securely holding the reins. 

“Mmhmm” she said, she was beginning to feel hot- and not because she’d done any hard work in regards to getting the horse ready. 

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, you’re the boss” he said the last part softly in her ear. If it wasn’t for her jacket, he would see the goosebumps that had risen on her arms. She nodded quickly, staring straight ahead and trying to maintain her composure. 

“So I just?” She squeezed gently and the horse picks up her speed slightly. “Oh…ok” she said. 

“Told y’she was trained” Carmy teased and she rolls her eyes. 

“Mmm you’ve done a very good job, bribing this horse with peeps. The staff know you do this?” She asked. Carmy snorted a laugh

“No. But she’s healthy. Made sure. She only gets one or 2 if she doesn’t listen.” He admitted. 

She shook her head with a smile. “And how’d you find this out, Carm?” She leaned into him once more. 

“I…” he laughed a bit, his chest vibrating with the movement and it made her heart warm. 

“I uh…spent a few days in the library here. Reading up. After she threw me off. It’s all about trust with em. So I never lied to ‘er and I’ve never done something she didn’t expect because I always try to warn her.” He said, pulling her reigns a bit tighter. 

“This is like a joyride Syd cmon, I said fast not an evening stroll.” He teased. 

“Fine. Mister horse master- show me what Miss Stardust can do.” She said. 

With 2 kisses and a quick tap of his heel, they were off like a rocket. He held Syd steady, being sure she wouldn’t have to do most the work of holding herself center as he gripped each reign with the opposite hand, holding them taught so Star knew to keep going. 

Syd laughed, the wind flicking her dark curls all around. He wished she could see her amused expression. “Holy shit this is the best!” She shouted over the loud thuds of Stars hoofbeats. 

“I know right! Can you believe she can go faster?” He said, holding his knees taut around her hips to keep her from sliding. 

“Okay we are not! This is fine!” She said and sat up a bit “are we going into the-” She asks as Star begins to barrel through a creek, the freezing water spraying up and around them getting them slightly wet, the freezing water splashing from their calves up to their cheeks.. “CARMY!” She screams through laughter. 

He could barely catch his breath as he laughed so hard his stomach and ribs ached. “I’m sorry!! Syd! Oh god-“ he chuckled “woah girl- woah” he called to the course and she slowed down once again to a stop. 

“Fuck-“ Carmen chuckled “you okay?” He asked, picking a wet leaf from her jacket and throwing it to the forest floor. 

“Yeah- I’m.. I’m fine. That was really fun actually. C’mon I wanna see the spot” she said and took it upon herself to tug the reins so Star would take off again

“Shi-it!” He quickly finds his balance, “warn me!! Oh god I almost flew off!!” He told her. 

“You think I’d let her throw you off?” She mimics him from earlier and he takes the chance to playfully pinch her waist 

“Yes because who’s in back and who’s in front?” He wrapped his arms around her again, taking the reins from her grasp. “Your reign privileges have been revoked for this riding lesson, Ms.Adamu”  

She laughed a bit “I’ll earn them back. Don’t worry” she mused. 

“Mmm we need to talk about more shit before I just literally hand the reins over. Coulda spooked her and we’d be fuckin dead.” he angled the outside reigns so she’d slow down as they came to the clearing. 

“Here we are” he hopped off, raising his arms to help her down. 

She carefully reached out for him and he lifted her off, gently setting her down. “Holy fuck Carmy” she turned around, watching the waterfall cascade down over the rocks. 

“Right! Told you. It’s a fire spot” he went over to one of the rocks he usually sat at, plopping down and taking out a cigarette. “Oh- shit- can’t have y’running off” he told Stardust and chuckled, leaving the cigarette between his lips as he walked over to her, guiding her over to the tree, and hooking her right rein around a branch before sitting back down. 

“Yeah…I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere so…” she trailed off, looking at all the trees and running water. 

“Green?” Carmy lit his cigarette, taking a drag. “Not packed with smog? Somewhere that doesn’t smell like shit.” He said as he exhaled. 

“…yeah” she said and laughed a bit. “Yeah. Guess that’s it.” She came and sat next to him. “What did you mean about her getting scared?” She asked curiously. 

“Oh- a scared horse will fucking kill you. Not on purpose, but they’re big and pure muscle, and will do anything to get away from danger. I scared the shit out of her one time, that was it. Dislocated my shoulder 8th day here. Doing that hurts like a bitch by the way.” He rolled his shoulder gently. 

“How’d you manage that? God I knew you were shit at chatting up girls but she dislocated your shoulder?” She teased. 

He rolled his eyes with a playful smile, taking another drag. “Yes, I was fuckin around on the trail, dunno why- but there was this branch sticking out so I grabbed it, it snapped, she fuckin reeeared dude. I flew back so hard. My back might still be bruised I’m not sure. Still hurts a little to laugh” he said. 

“You better have seen a doctor” she said. 

“Ohhh silly Syd.” He sighed, a puff of smoke filling the air in front of him. “We aren’t allowed to refuse treatment here. If you get hurt, and you refuse to get help, it’s considered self harm, which leads to them believing you have suicidal ideation, which leads to you being locked in the actual nuthouse. So yes. I willingly went to the doctor daily for a week. And now, I’m being checked on once a week. So yeah. Oh and therapy daily. And every day I’m given my meds and someone checks over ‘pre-existing injuries’ which that is now considered. So yeah. I’m good. I’m fuckin fine as fine can be.” He said. 

“Awww poor little chef, being taken care of so well that’s so hard isn’t it?” She teased and he gives her a playful glare, but couldn’t help but crack a smile when he realized she was smiling too. 

“I was being taken care of fine at home by myself but you and my sister just had to ship me off after one tiny accident” he leaned back on his hand, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

“It stops becoming an accident when you didn’t care, Carm. You didn’t care. It didn’t phase you. You weren’t even…you weren’t even scared. Just because you didn’t do it on purpose doesn’t mean you did the sane thing which would have been doing everything you could to not let something like that happen.” She said, her tone suddenly serious. 

He looked down at his lap, swallowing thickly. He suddenly felt all of the armor he’d spent the last 31 days chipping at, slowly start to meld back together and shell him back in at the shame the whole situation was making him feel. 

“I have nightmares…you know. About it. What happened” she said quietly, and he could physically feel his heart ripping open. 

The only sound between them was the bubbling stream, and the sounds of their even breaths. 

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, gaze fixed on his lap knowing he would burst into tears at the admission she’d been so deeply plagued by something he’d done, if he had looked at her.

“I know” was all she said, gently resting her hand on top of his. He felt the same fireworks exploding in his chest that he only ever felt when she was around. 

“Do you um…” he clears his throat and shook his head, embarrassed by the question plaguing his mind. “Never mind it’s..it’s stupid.” He removed his hand, putting his cigarette in it and resting the hand opposite of her on the rock. 

“That usually means it’s not stupid. What?” She coaxed, bumping his knee with hers gently. 

“It’s stupid” he said again, shrugging his shoulders. 

“It can’t be stupider then asking me what UPS means” She said playfully. He rolled his eyes, smiling and looking over at her. 

“And what if it is?” He questioned. 

“I would be..worried they’re giving you a bad concoction of meds that’s turning your glorious chef brain in to Swiss cheese” she teased 

He snorts a laugh. “I was gonna ask..if you wanted to cook..t’night. My cabin…it uh- has a kitchen? I haven’t cooked in a month. They give us food so I haven’t really bothered but…seeing you makes me miss it more, I guess” he blushed, looking back down at his lap. 

“Well obviously. Not gonna let you eat whatever bullshit they’ve been giving you while I’m around.” She said and he shook his head, meeting her gaze once more with a playful smirk. 

“Maybe you should check in. My therapist says it’s bad apparently to feel ‘responsible for others’ - says it’s a ‘subconscious self harming behavior’ “ he teased. 

She smiled a bit. “Okay- say I do. How about, I check in now, we shoot the shit for what- eleven more days- then, you go back home- and see how stressful it is in that restaurant when one of your hands is basically missing” she plucked the cigarette bud he’d forgotten about from between his fingers before it burnt him, flicking it into the creek. 

“You know that’s the first time I’ve seen you smoke- other then…me like checking on you when you were about to explode at work. But you’ve never…pulled one out and smoked it I guess” she said, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her cheek on her forearm as she looked at him. 

“Oh…” he said, pulling one of his legs up and resting his arm on it. “Didn’t realize you noticed” he said, brushing some dirt off his jeans. 

“I notice a lot of stupid shit about you, it’s kinda annoying honestly.” She said without thinking, her eyes widening when she realized and she looked the other way, resting her other cheek on her knee and squeezing her eyes shut. 

Why would you ever say that?! She asked herself internally. 

“Oh?” He said again, smiling a bit. “You do?” He questions, but that was as far as he’d push. 

“Mhm” was all she responded. Carmys phone started buzzing in his pocket and he pulled it out in case it was one of the ‘base keepers’ they called them. Carmy rather call them babysitters. He knew what they were for, being sure if they were out of sight too long they were making sure they could still get ahold of them. 

He sighed in relief when he saw it was just his 2:40 alarm. “Gotta go” he stood up, offering his hand to Syd. “Like- now. Or my ass is getting chewed out.” 

The ride back to the cabins was mostly silent. He had no stool this time, so he had to pick up Syd essentially by the ass and gently place her on Stars back so she didn’t get spooked. 

He was embarassed as fuck that the tiny action had the crotch region of his jeans tightening more then was casually explainable. Thank god no one was around to see him awkwardly hop in the way of his semi hard third leg down his left pant leg, grunting but covering it with a dry cough when she settled her ass back into him to ‘center their gravity’ 

Syd absolutely felt the firmness pressing into her ass. She thought it was a bit funny, but also brushed it off to the strange friction that came with riding a horse. She couldn’t allow herself to fully believe his teenage like excitement was due to her, or she’d go insane. 

Carmy dropped Syd off at his cabin, giving her the key and telling her he’d put up Stardust and be back by 5, she would be blushing if it weren’t for her mahogany complexion at the domesticity of it all - er what she could imagine domesticity with Carmy would feel like. 

Her panties were also soaked through from the feeling of his enormous length pressed into the curve of her ass - the entire way back - but she just chalked that up to not getting laid for a few months, and misreading his natural arousal for him being horny- she quickly pushed the thought down and just chalked it up to the horse. Because guys get hard when they ride horses…right? Right?!

Carmen arrived to therapy extremely frustrated, and extremely ready to talk. He sat down in his regular spot in the back, tapping his knee nervously and covering his crotch with his hands. Luckily, thinking about his mother was enough to make him soft nearly instantly so he had that to thank her for at least. 

“Alright guys!” Julienne, the usual Friday therapist came in, sitting in her spot in the circle. “Who is up today! We are-“ she looks at her iPad “oh! Yes this is another OP class, so- no pressure but, I wanna hear what’s goin on!” She crossed her legs. 

Julie was far from his favorite therapist, at Blue Lotus. But he wasn’t his least favorite. So he would still talk. He cleared his throat, raising his hand slightly. 

“Carmy?! What a treat! Okay what’s up” she grabbed her little stylus pencil. He bit the inside of his lip nervously. He despised how casual she tried to make this all feel. 

“Uh…so- my um…business partner, she came to see me. I guess I haven’t been…keeping touch? Enough? She just said she was worried…” he cleared his throat again, gaze fixed on his lap. “And uh…I’m startin’ t’-t’realize stuff?” He sniffled nervously, rubbing his mouth with slightly clammy, nervous hands. 

“She uh..” he chuckled a bit. “She…she just…showed up. Didn’t hear shit from ‘er. She probably knew that I’d uh…I’d tell ‘er no?” He finally meets the gaze of Julie. 

“Okay. You know guests are allowed right? Like- during the visiting hours, 6am to 11pm, no fraternizing between patients but-“ Carmen cuts her off

“We aren’t - no. Not fraternizing” He shook his head. “But uh…today? We were- we were sitting. This spot, near uh, Jupiter point? On the north side. And I had this- this urge T-to tell her…everything.” He shook his head, looking at the floor again. 

“So…you wanted to tell her you love her?” Jesse, one of the guys he’d had lunch with a few times piped up. 

“T’be honest, I don’t know.” Carmen said honestly, looking at him. 

“Well what does it feel like?” Jesse asked, sitting up a bit. 

“What? Like- what does what feel like?” Carmen asked curiously. 

“Her. Being with her. Talking to her? Inside. Like. Your chest. Your skin?” He questioned. 

“Uh…” Carmen sat back, swallowing thickly and crossing his arms over his chest. He thought for a moment. 

“Hot. I get hot. All over. My chest feels tight but - but good? Like- a hug almost. And then…when she…” he blushed, looking down with a shy smile. “When she touches me” he shook his head slightly. “When she touches me it’s like um.. fireworks? Like fireworks beneath my skin.” He chuckled a bit at how cheesy it sounded. 

“And you haven’t fucking nailed her?” Jessie asked plainly. 

Carmen furrowed his brows, glaring at him. “No” he clenched his jaw “I haven’t.” He snips. 

“Dude- you are- pussy whipped with no pussy?! You- you love her, Carmen. You love this chick. I feel like I’m looking in a weird straight mirror - the first time-“ he laughed a bit “the first time I kissed a guy- god. He was so hot. But I had no idea! I had no idea. I really thought that I was just-“ he shook his head “that I was just wanting to befriend him? Or something? But like- I wanted to fuck him. And when I did kiss him? Something unlocked in my brain dude. It was like…like a whole new world. I felt like I knew - I knew what love could feel like? Just ‘cause of that one kiss “ he shrugged. 

Carmen looked at him, arms crossed, trying to absorb everything he was saying even though every fiber of his former self was screaming to take it with nothing more than a grain of salt. 

“Kiss her dude. Kiss her.” Jesse said and sat back in his chair. 

“Well. Although, consensual sexual instances are against the code of conduct to discuss - I am very proud to see you two coming out of your shells. Has anyone else felt… confused in their romantic endeavors and would like to share?” Julie asked. 

Carmen crossed his arms tighter, looking down at his lap. This was quite unusual for him, he was one of the patients to only add what he had to to be credited during inpatient, and during outpatient - only spoke when he really and honestly had to. 

“Uh-“ the super tall girl, Shayna sits up. Carmen was never really sure why she was here. She looked…perfect by all means. Perfect skin, perfect nails, pretty face, long blonde hair, a perfect body by girl standards. Or at least what Carmen had understood of them.

 “Not really the same.. but before I came out? I like…I would uh buy…girl clothes. That I liked. For my girlfriends at the time…” she blushed “and um.. I realized after a while that I liked them. And I wasn’t just..wanting to see my girlfriend in them. And like- it’s not the exact same, but when he said… about how Jesse realized he wanted the guy. That’s how I felt when I finally tried the clothes on” she shrugged. 

Carmen was…aghast. He just simply stared at her. He’d never met- or thought-  he’d ever met a trans person before today. But…Shayna? 

Well- he was wrong because he had met her, they actually knew each other fairly well as far as patients go, she joined the program when he did. When they first met, she’d made a joke about how they were the tallest girl and shortest guy in the class, so that meant they were bound to be friends, since opposites attract - and that earned a chuckle out of him before his meds had even fully evened out. 

“I love the cis-and-confused look- it’s cute” she said and laughed a bit. Carmen blushed, smiling a bit. 

“Not confused- well, maybe. Maybe a little. Y’Just so…dainty? I dunno..” he shrugged. 

“In case you haven’t noticed- mr.little man syndrome- you’re only one out with the cows doing the hay on time in the morning. Ninty percent of the group is your version of dainty ” Jesse teased. 

“Jesse” Julie gives him the look. “I’d assume that means- the rest of you that aren’t out helping with the bales- are scraping out the cow pens? Since Carmen is doing all the hard work according to you.” 

“I’m not girl- fuck no! The second I got out of inpatient house arrest? I walked my happy ass down to Walmart and bought me some blackout curtains. I recommend those to all of you! Oh my god and some ear plugs!! The stupid fucking roosters! Worst 15 days of my lifeee! I’m never coming back here peace and love to you all though. Truly. Can’t stand this cow shit stank ass place.”  Shayna said dramatically, causing Carmen to chuckle a bit.

 He had loved her boldness since they’d met. If Shayna didn’t want to do something- she wasn’t doing it. He learned that the day the staff tried to force her on anti-depressants. One of the main therapists got a Wellbutrin straight to the eye, they never attempted that battle the same way again. 

“We know Shayna you aren’t shoveling scat, princesses don’t do that” Jesse mocked her valley girl tone. 

“Okay! Okay. Alriiiight! Back on track- done with the bickering!” Julie said. “Now that open call is over let’s move on to breakthroughs. This issss-“ she looks at her iPad “ah- yes! D group. So. That makes it-“ he checks her watch “ah- right. 11 days! How are your light tunnel projects going?” She questioned. 

Carmen’s chest tightened, but not in the Syd is smiling or he made Syd laugh way- in the - I haven't done something I was meant to do way. 

The Light Tunnel project wasn’t hard. It was simply one thing you have done that you had wanted to do when you came into the program. And Carmy knew what his answer was, 

Admit how he felt to Sydney. 

Or, as his Therapist- Mandy told him ‘become more truthful with yourself and those you know about how you feel’ because “counting on someone to like him back would put him at square one” he had pretended to understand, but knew that he had to tell her and soon - or he was going to really go insane. 

“ my light tunnel was to talk to my asshole father- but lucky for me I just caught wind the motherfucker finally died thank god. So by default I win and don’t have to be here anymore cause his abandonment was what fucked me up anyhow“ Shayna said jokingly, causing Carm to snort a laugh. He knew she was only joking about the leaving early part, not the father part. Her father was an even bigger piece of shit then Carmen’s was, he had come to learn.

“Mmm that isn’t how it works we know that Shayna. We’ll talk more about this in one to one “ Julie told her and Shayna crossed her long legs, looking out the window. 

The last 20 minutes of the session Carmen sat silently, looking out the opposite window to Shayna, watching the horses running around in the field before they got called in for dinner and just spacing out, thinking about what he may say to Syd. 

“Yo - Carm space cadet” Shayna said before kicking his boot he jumped a bit, looking up at them both and had realized the room since had cleared and Julie was preparing for her next session. 

“Shit.” He said “how long have I been like…like that?” He asked, his cheeks feeling hot. 

“It’s the OCD meds. They get you stuck in a happy thought loop sometimes. Are you just gonna sit here? You wanna do another hour of this with sniveling group a? They got here three days ago.” Jesse said. Carm shook his head, getting up. 

“No- no sorry” he said starting with them outside. Shayna laughed a bit 

“You were thinking of screwing that business partner aren’t you. “ she said, causing Carmys cheeks to go pinker. 

“Shayna shut up!” Jesse scolded, pushing her shoulder lightly. 

“Awwww carmyyy are your feelings hurt little buddy? Do you need a hug? Jesus men are such pussys” she pushed open the doors of the therapy cabin for them. 

“Let me see pictures of this hot chick. If you don’t fuck her I will and I bet I’d do a better job” Shayna teased as they started heading back towards the cabins. 

Carmen couldn’t even process what she said as he felt his breath get caught in his chest, he saw her. She was sitting on the porch of his cabin, criss-cross in one of the rocking chairs as she writes in her notebook. He couldn’t help but stop and stare at the way the setting sun hit her bronze skin, her curls casting intricate patterned shadows on the wood. He felt his heart pick up, his chest squeezing in that way, the way that only happened when he saw her. 

Shayna and Jesse stopped after a few moments when they realized Carm had gotten stuck behind. They both follow his gaze carefully to see what he was so fixed on, like a trance. 

“Holy fuuuck!!! Holy fuck how did I get this lucky!! She’s here? She’s here still?!” Shana asked excitedly, “oh my god- you’re getting laid- tonight” she excitedly skips up to the cabin and Syd looks up, locking eyes with her before seeing Carmen just a few paces behind.  “I’m Shayna! Do you and Carm wanna hang out with us tonight?”

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡

[jazzically]

ok even tho im in the middle of magp 9 i stopped my epic rave on the internet to also post this tangential digression that i barfed out by accident so that my mind appears to express itself at least somewhat chronologically and so that my posts are oriented vaguely in the order of a normal thought process:

An Argumentative Essay (that i literally wrote to myself mid-episode. why. what even) about something i noticed myself doing unconsciously

As i listen to magp 7 my newly conspiracy-theorist brain is actively and incessantly trying to find parallels between tma and tmagp (is the mysterious security guy like breekon and hope? is the oxford's people's trust akin to the people's church of the divine host, and that is why it burned down? does the press of a sea of laughing volunteers have to do with the buried, and/or their end with the slaughter?) and it took me like five full minutes to realize that i was being silly and should stop trying to identify exact similarities for a number of reasons: they wouldn't do that because it might be rather cheap and boring; people coming from Magnus would have an upper hand and be able to infer things from prior knowledge; this is an entirely new premise and story simply set in the same universe; and the simple fact that fear — broad a category as it is, as exemplified in the first two hundred episodes of the magnusverse — is the centerpoint of horror. of course there will be parallels!! if only coincidentally!!! lmao what am i thinking

anyway i started writing this because i wanted to appreciate/highlight the writers' efforts in making the stories so conceptually new in content, despite the constant temptation (at least, i feel it, secondhandedly) to adhere to the rules (categories of fear) already in existence, meticulously built up to craft horror tales specifically set in this universe already... it would be easy. but protocol is, in essence, a different series, and deserves the same amount of love and freshness and work put into it. i should stop guessing at what to expect, because i shouldn't pretend i know any more than i did when starting magnus lol

ALSO I LOOOVE THE MYSTERY!!! why would i spoil it for myself!!!!

p.s. im not sure whether the sam/celia romance feels forced to me but it's too early to tell

ANYWAY let me just reiterate how it was an absolutely wonderful surprise to discover alex and jonny still had character roles in protocol i have no idea why i didn't see it coming

eeeeeeee im so excited i get to listen in real time with the fandom nowww eeeeeeeeeee

i do regret (in such a minor way that it may be considered inconsequential) that the episodes aren't named CASE 7 or whatever bc that would be cool but maybe they aren't all gonna be cases ?? perhaps the structure is different.... hMMmmMM

8 seasons is crazy like wow props to you guys im so DAMN EXCITED

[holyblanchett]

You and people in your asks acting all crazy over few words and your wrong interpretations over and over again.

Agatha literally just hid behind darkhold from Rio and it seemed they never had a proper breakup until now. That fight was an obvious messy break up scene, why calling it what it was triggered some of you.

Agatha said Rio was making her life hell, because she FELT like it, death following her.

And yet Agatha kisses Rio because she simply WANTS IT as said by Jac, it is her last kiss ever and she didn’t know what’s after her death and she chose this, just as she chose to go separate ways with Rio and Rio let her do it. For now?

Funny to read your complaint about them showing Billy/BF kiss but not Agathario, when they literally cut out gay boy kiss out of the show…..Disney be Disney. But i think there was no agathario kiss, it was Rio just pushing for it, which i’d love to see but it would’ve made things only worse and more toxic considering their dialogue and later scenes.

As for naive anon thinking only queer community got all those new Disney subs i have no words, level of entitlement, especially trashing this show just because you didn’t get more wlw scenes, or a silly happy end with literal death character that keeps taking away people Agatha cares about? Seriously. This story was compelling because it’s tragic.

Cant imagine how yall survive when they announce wiccan show. Trashing that or AAA would not get you more representation or peace. But Jac will continue writing great human stories, she loves Agatha, now she heard what people wanted so i can see one day everyone including haters of the show like you getting an episode or two reuniting Agathario in some way with flashbacks to prop that.

Lmaooo how are you calling me triggered when you sat here, took time out of your day to write me an entire MLA formatted essay about an opinion that I have on a show i watched. Im literally screaming, once again, with the bitch ass anon. How you talking shit to me but being scary at the same time? If you don't like what I said guess what? I don't fucking care. And since when does having an opinion make me a hater?? I loved the show and can still say the representation sucked. Those two things can exist at the same time. Any time I complain I am referring to the handling of their relationship NOT THE CHARACTERS. I hope marvel and jac are paying you good for all that dick riding you doing for them. I hope you have a wonderful day :)

[generaltrashshecox]

i do admit the "mr ian topp" bit haunts me for multiple reasons

where, and i cannot emphasize this enough, did that even come from. what is the context. i am scared. afraid, even.

everyone seemed vaguely uncomfortable about the ian prompt (arasha called it out and it was met with like. silence and grimaces, which alone i'm going insane over analyzing) and because i have no evidence for any particular reason i really don't know why, it could be a number of things (not wanting to make fun of your boss, being tired of repeating bits that you think aren't funny, any real life problems that may exist at work)

that being said, that's the bit a whole lotta them laughed at, so clearly it's got to mean something to them. and to that i respond, what? huh? im losing my mind why is giving ian shayne's last name funny. shaking chanse by the shoulders. what did you mean by that

because the anthony joke was expected, right? haha, ianthony shipping. we all know it exists. it breached containment. everyone else makes jokes about it all the time. but shian is as niche as it really gets, so they can't possibly be referencing a funny fandom occurence

the only semi-normal explanation i have for that joke is like. those recurring roasts in ian's funerals where people make jokes about how ian wants to be shayne, or how shayne is just ian but more successful, so perhaps the joke is meant to be something like "haha, ian wishes he were shayne!" (in a lighthearted way, of course)

otherwise im going crazy in this chili's tonight. i suppose.

oh god. they edited that video. they let that clip stay in. why?? literally without context the joke just doesn't make sense to us, so why leave it in?? why is it funny?? CHANSE PLEASE EXPLAIN

Ajsj okay so I'm not alone good to know. But I will say it seemed Smosh themselves were trying to push this shian agenda a long time ago at least like a little bit. And what I mean by that is like the silly YT short they made about the mist and finally succumbing to it and going hand in hand and like that one green screen tntl where Ian's soul was just hot edits of Shayne. But it definitely makes you wonder... but yeah like ianthony is a given and shian wasn't really shipped until well not even that long ago but like hmmm...

I mean there's no doubt Ian and Shayne are close especially since we learned from his interview with Anthony they got drunk together pretty early on. Shayne was also the first person Ian called to talk to about this next step and though Shayne was too scared he was going to say Smosh was going under its still kinda insane that he was one of the first he called!! I don't know I don't know these two make me insane I will be honest ajsj

I guess we'll never know the mystery of Mr. Ian Topp but it will stay in my head forever as maybe a tiny idea that maybe it wasn't so off to ship them lolll

[karinasbaby]

HAHAHA SOSNDJNES MY OFFICIAL NAME?? i’ll take it. yours is definitely my pookie wookiee cutie patootie <3 because you’re my lil baby angel

our relationship IS so perfect. just as you are. i also love love suddenly. wonder why that is. AND YES PLS SPAM TF OUTTA ME I WANT MY PHONE TO VIBRATE OFF THE TABLE

NOOO WDYM ITS GONNA BE CRAZY? don’t say that. please. (STOP UR PREMATURE TOO?? we were fated, like)

my last exam is on monday! but i have a presentation on tuesday and a assignment due on tuesday BUT! monday

(it’s so funny because i planned to do the assignment in the bus yesterday but i ended up writing the brat tamer drabbles which is my own fault but)

oh it’s is absolutely your official name my honey bun sugar pie schnookums teddy bear chocolate cookie swirl pudding biscuit. and “my lil baby angel” my soul ascended to the 7th heaven and came back btw but we ball.

STOP FLRITING WITH MEEEELENDLSH “just as u are” GET OUT. ENOUGH. out here making me kick my feet in the air and hide my face under the blanket who do u think u are 😒😒😒😒😒 (don’t answer that.) but anywho i shall be spamming the living hell out of u after this just let me get on ig and bro 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

(WE REALLY ARE FATED IN THIS SHIT BRO LIKE YOURE PREMATURE IM PREMATURE YOURE A HEE STAN IM A HEE STAN WHATS NEXT⁉️⁉️⁉️) fate but not sponsored by enha 😁☝️ but AYYEEEEE LAST EXAM ON MONDAY LETS GOOOO 🤾🤾(tuesday doesn’t exist for me) (WHY DIDNT U WORK ON UR ASSIGNMENT >:( also u posting that is like so ridiculous to me lmfao bcs u have NO clue how terrified i am of ur account rn. i’m avoiding that brat tamer work so bad rn bcs i know im gonna die. im so gonna die. for sure gonna die.)

[koolades-world]

DAMN SO IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A DU TO OBEY ME PIPELINE. that fandom made me worse and i think it made my life go downhill (/hj). i was so mean like we weren't all children with unrestricted internet access idk why i thought it was that serious </3 (sorry i was reading ur blog and saw a post responding to someone and i went "wait i minute" and had a few flashbacks)

OMG HEYYYY (more ex fandom ranting under the cut!)

first, welcome!! so glad you found a better fandom to migrate to and that you aren't stuck in the past like some people i knew. you are all good, no need to apologize. it's so crazy to me that i've encountered not one, but two ex du fans out in the wild! i thought there were about fifteen of us total lol. i know that war flashback feeling. was digging through old screenshots for something the other day and i found my stash and had to take a moment. sorry if some of this makes no sense or has odd flow. i'm word vomiting and i'm pretty tired rn (in the middle of drinking a matcha, coffee, and monster all at the same time). college has been sucking the life out of me, but i just had to answer this immediately

yeah it was absolutely wild man. i don't think anyone except like a few people liked me because to this day i'm still only friends with two of them. the way i was absolutely witched hunted i tell you :sob: i 100% made more enemies than friends. even my readers were mean, and i just took it all for some reason? i've been on tumblr for about a year and half now, and i haven't had a single mean fan, but back in the day, i think i had more than i can count. yes i was on wattpad for longer, but considering the ratio, that's crazy. i have about 2.2k followers here (love all of you guys mwa mwa) and i have zero mean fans. on wattpad i think i have like 260 something, and the fact that i cant count the amount of mean fans i had is insane. if i didn't have those friends, i would be convinced it was a fever dream. if you were on wattpad at the time, you'd understand how jarring the swap from that fandom to this one would be. fanfics are allowed? still kinda crazy to me actually. can't believe being an author is welcome here! im part of a zine now!!! i didn't think that was every going to happen. have no clue how the hell this pipeline happened, but hey! at least there's two examples lol. like i said before, i honestly cannot tell if it made me better or worse, but i can for sure think of all the ways it made me worse! haha.

yeah we were all kids with unrestricted internet access everyone was like 10 to 14. i was 13 or 14 when i entered the fandom and that was old LOL. can't believe i was the responsible adult in the room at 14! my now best friend was like 11 or so at the time. maybe its the trauma bonding or something, but we're basically siblings now. we are inseparable, package deal if you will. if you remember chev, i am exactly one day older than him lol <3 my favorite running joke but it also shows my age. the swap to this fandom was so odd, because now i'm a baby compared to everyone else lol. i can't believe i'm no longer a mediator or anything. this fandom is pretty unproblematic and it's so so refreshing to just be able to exist

if you knew who i was back in the day and didn't hate me, feel free to reach out! if you didn't still feel free to reach out haha. even if you didn't know me, you probably knew my best friend whether you liked it or not haha. i understand if you don't want to, but if you ever want to chat, i totally wouldn't mind! feel free to send me a dm and i can give you my discord. would be nice to get another outside perspective. if not, again, totally fine! have a wonderful day and hope you're recovering well. you're a fighter and deserve the best! hugs and kisses :)

[lovelyrotter]

i am curiose 👁️ abt the equius -> lil cal -> striders theories

oh shit aight [cracks knuckles] im not as good as others at organizing this stuff but imma do my best

so basically in terms of classpecting Lil Cal is ridiculous. dude has a lord of time, bard of rage, AND a prince of heart all mixed up together. however you wanna interpret caliborn, gamzee, and hal existing inside lil cal is up to you but for this theory we're lookin at them as separate entities kind of like system members in a plural way cause thats just what makes the most sense to me conceptually. but ANYWAY thats three powerful classpects all running around butting up against each other. time rage and heart is an insane combination so why is lil cal not greating a passive AOE type gravity well of destruction just by sitting there? my partner and i think its because of equius being an heir of void. this classpect has always fuckin fascinated me cause like, he basically inherits nothing right? thats a literal read of it at least. void is fuckin weird and my autistic brain no matter how many wrinkles it has just cant grasp it which is, yknow, what void is and does

Heir of Void: One who Invites Manipulation of Void or one who Invites Manipulation through Void

take a look at the above blog cause its really well put imo. there are so many ways to interpret void in general and heirs are also kind of a funky class, but we believe that inside lil cal, equius has been using his void powers as a shock absorber. equius IS a shock absorber. what do you do with all that power but you cant let it get out? you try to keep it caged. the heir of void acts like a blackout blind inside lil cal whether equius is concious of it or not, whether hes an active separate conciousness who still identifies as equius or not. lil cal is also an heir of void purely because equius is there. void just kinda naturally cancels out the other more active/destructive classpects. hes the base to caliborn, gamzee, and hals acid

which then makes me go crazy thinking about beta dirk again like ive talked about before. i truly believe that lil cal had a major hand in making bro strider as abusive as we see in hs1. i believe that any dirk is capable of slipping into abusive/toxic behaviours. AR for instance maniplulated dirk and others almost every time we see him but thats also complicated as fuck, because i think that was him being backed into a corner. he had no other choice in terms of holding onto his automity basically. not excusing orchestrating dirks first decapitation but its a fascinating reason. i think Hal/AR is what Beta Dirk could have been like without lil cal's interference. the sexual abuse and throwing dave down the stairs? thats lil cal's work.

lil cal has 3 extremely violent people floatin around inside him (caliborn, gamzee, equius), two of them having intense and poorly managed fixations on intimacy/tenderness and sex/kink in general, and one deeply scared, angry, and traumatized splinter of Dirk himself. an absolutely toxic combination and one that set Bro up for failure since he was sent into the beta timeline. Bro Strider is absolutely a Doomed Dirk. i do not count AR as being a violent person, at least compared to the others, but if while in Lil Cal he's still angry at Dirk then who knows what their interactions wouldve been like while Beta Dirk grows up. We do get to see a window into what AR couldve been like inside Lil Cal when we get into the Doc Stratch stuff because Doc Stratch is basically AR but creepier, which... actually leads me to believe way more that by the time Doc Scratch is A Thing, AR's personality has been melded into something/someone else entirely. but they talk + type pretty much exactly the same. its absolutely crazy i hadnt noticed that until recently. everyone wondering what AR would be like if Bro Strider made him? points to Doc Scratch unfortunately

but comin back from the inevitable Hal Tangent(tm), like its fuckin fascinating because while i do count Equius as contributing to Lil Cal's general toxicity (mostly through his learned caste bullshit) i also think, again, that hes the only reason why we never actually saw Bro draw Dave's blood. not even a drop. he cut his shirt symbol yeah but his shirt was intact.

we see Equius getting stressed over breaking shit accidentally basically the whole time hes alive. i mean fuck the whole glass of milk gag in one of the final alterniabounds while you play him. its pretty easy for me to read that as him being generally anxious about being too strong for his enviornment, especially too strong to touch anyone he cares about, and that when he does eventually end up breaking smth/hurting someone, it impacts him. like a lot. he could easily hurt Nep if hes not careful so hes gotta pull back and be suuuper gentle like all the time. and him having that kinda temperament combined with his classpect makes me think that he'd use his void powers to protect and cloak and supress. he embodies the void. he becomes 'nothing' and therefore he becomes anything he wants.

basically, Equius is a tempering force inside Lil Cal and thus a tempering force over Bro too because hes constantly scared of and stressed over breaking shit and hurting his friends. he knows how dangerous Caliborn and Gamzee are. Gamzee killed him easily after all. So he can't let Bro actually touch Dave. Bro might not want to touch dave anyway with how Caliborn sexualizes platonic touch. but Bro still needs to make Dave STRONG enough to survive the game, Eq can help with that at least

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

l, i was wondering if u could give me some suggestions on an issue i am facing.. its been 6 months since me n ex broke up (on winter solstice nonetheless..) for very good reasons after 3 yrs, we really were doing some damage to each other for a while , triggering each others core wounds like Crazy. i reaally was in a bad place for the whole last yr of it and now really do feel so much better being out. however we lived together for yrs and they were who i was closest to for so long, n we were each others first love once before at 16/17. i felt just anger for months, but now its residing and i just feel soooo tied to them still… i do not want to get bacj w them, but so much of my time now is spent in deep nostalgia of the happy/quiet moments, wanting the good of those times back even tho logically i know its Impossible. wishing i could go back and do it again. wanting to reach out even tho i know it would only be detrimental. i was wondering if u have any tips on balancing this miss with continuing to move on, as i know i must finally do so fully — i feel the anger was keeping me moving forward, but now that its waning i fear getting stuck in this state. i feel as tho this is why we got back together to begin w. anyhow thank u as always fer ur infinite wisdoms x dog bless

hello <3 i understand... both of us had big endings at winter solstice lol what kind of assertive force was in the air back then i wonder ! here's my advice althoug it seems to me u already know what's right for you so it's sort of just reinforcement of your feelings ---

first thing i want to get out of the way is that if you and this person were meant to be together i believe the breakup never would/ve happened & there would've never been a single doubt in your mind about this partnership. I can say this after spending a few years living with slimbo, like, We endlessly grow closer, our bond is fully forged in stability and peace and understanding. There is not a single moment in the past few years of being in their presence that i've had a single doubt of our longevity. We do not make each other's life hell in even the slightest sense. if something comes up we work it out within that day and it never carries over to the next. And that rarely occurs.

Previously in life i did not know such harmony could exist, but now that i know, i look at all my old relationships like damn, i can't believe i ever thought that person could've been "the one" when we clashing so often. And i mean it's not like i could've known better because for most of us, we grow up in families that face much conflict, you just think Oh this is normal right? People fight and thats normal, there's tension and it's normal. Well now i know it is NOT normal and when you find someone who's really ready to meet you where you're at it creates harmony, true harmony, even if external conflict arises it brings you closer, you can solve any problem together, you're on the same level.

(Also i'm not sure how old you are but i think it's super rare to find this type of harmony until a little later in life because youth is confusing & people are still figuring themselves out, gaining the maturity it takes to be a reliable partner and whatnot).

But what i feel is happening for you and this person is that you went through all these formative experiences together, and maybe you're missing the rush of that more than you miss the actual person. Like maybe you're just bored xD that's not meant to sound harsh im just being real. boredom often leads to nostalgia. a little nostalgia here and there can be fun & transmuted into new experiences but being overly absorbed in nostalgia is not conducive to growth, only stagnation. do not fall victim to halo effect just because you're bored or lonely!!

If you were to get back with this person it would 1) block the way for someone who truly matches your frequency to come through, and 2) Likely your repressed anger and resentment towards that person would begin to infiltrate the relationship again pretty quickly. It's not fair to them, nor is it fair to yourself, it would only prolong the suffering.

So i think to move forward from this experience you could try a few things. Firstly i think you're being called to really go inwards, figure out why you feel bored right now, why you feel something is lacking in your life when you have to be alone? Learn how to fill your time with more things you enjoy, becoming stronger in your self concept through introspection, hobbies, leisure, just having fun by yourself. When you can do stuff like this it actually makes you very attractive & radiant in a way that magnetizes people who are also pretty solid in themselves. U just can't really have a good healthy relationship unless both of you are solid and Know Yourselves like thats just a universal truth.

And another thing i'd consider trying is like, meditations where you envision yourself cutting the chord that energetically binds you to this person from your past. That is if you want to get a little woowoo with it. But i really believe in the effectiveness of those exercises. Don't rush into it, just like, when you feel truly ready, let it go. You can still hold your memories and honor your experience with them without wanting them to be in your physicality again. There are exes who i haven't spoken to in yeeeears who i actually can look upon much more fondly now that i've let go. i forgive them and wish them well but it's nice to be distant.

don't be afraid of change~~~don't be afraid that a better match will never come along for you. I didn't foresee anything about the romance i have now before it happened. I knew i wanted to find a love that felt balanced and fulfilling but not All-Consuming. by a total random sequence of events, my vibe was met. You just never know whats around the corner ^^ The more open you are to change, the more change will find you. But you know going back to that person would just be a needless repeat of an old cycle. it's ok to still cherish them and keep moving forward. it's good you're able to feel less angry towards them now, that shows growth & maturity. But dont let it drag you back in !!

i hope this resonates and doesn't sound too preachy lol . Just hate to see someone fall back into Old HABITS. For your sake and the sake of your old partner. letting go is a crucial skill to learn in this life. Best of luck to you anon, you sound like a good person who wants to do their best & that will carry you far in life & love.

Sincerely

PMD9 <3

[fipindustries]

Is a really weird fact about human nature that we have creators. I think a lot about artists and crafters and artisans and gardeners and their creations. I think a lot about makers. I tend to view everything as art, and almost all human activity as an art of ceeation, and all products of human endeavors as projects, as art pieces.

and in that context having a baby is just another project a human may take up on. A human life as a work of art. And the parents as the artists responsible for that piece.

One does not usually think of their parents this way, at best one thinks of their parents as those really nice loving adults that gave food and shelter and love and care and are very important (or, at worst, monsters which do not bear to think about). But one does not think of them as The Creators.

Like my parents created me. To say that they gave me life feels like understating it, It sounds like i was already here and all i needed was to be activated. They created my flesh from nothing. I exist in this world because of their whim. They did the thing religions claim gods do.

And i cannot emphazise enough how, in my case at least, they are just some people. Like, whatever, they are nice and they have their flaws, and can be kind and can be really annoying but they are just two random ordinary humans who met each other at a club, sort of liked each other, and then they created life and that life was me. And then i visit them and have lunch with them and talk about the weather or whatever and all the while i kind of cant stop thinking in the back of my mind "this person created me!!! What the fuck!!!" Is like i can just hang out with the Gods, architects, creators of the heavens and earth and it turns they are a 55 year old lawyer who really likes the ramones and goes out with friends to play soccer and a 50 year old english teacher who watches the crown and likes eating ravioli while doing crochet (and also at the moment they created the heavens and earth they were 20 year old college students)

And that is the thing that trips me up a bit. If i had taken a look at these people, these mundane nobodies, i would have never guess they would make someone like me. I mean i have some things in common but i am also my own person who is extremely wildly different from them and yet i am the product of what they made of me. I am an ongoing chemical reaction that started in my moms loins and was fed and kept going and guided afterwards by them. And here i am.

This is not meant to comment on any duty of care or respect that one may owe to their parents, fuck that, those are things that had to be earned by them. Im more interested in the philosophical aspect of it. We wonder all the time "where we come from? Why do we exist?" And at least in the individual case the answer is, "these two other people"

Is kind of crazy the yuxtaposition of something that is so fundamental and also so ordinary.

[apomaro-mellow]

Wicked thoughts: spoilers

Preface - my exposure going in is having read a couple chapters like 10 years ago, amvs with Popular and Loathing, and watching part of a performance of the opening number on youtube

this felt like cinema right out the gate and i love it

they're doin big ensemble set pieces im in

hmm, not to be that person but i don't feel good about the fact you can see ariana grande's bones.

AND an expositional song that covers everything and goes on for like 10 minutes? are we back? it feels like we're back

so far, im not mad about the color. Yeah it's not technicolor, but it still looks good. gonna get back to you about the lighting tho

It's only now, getting to see this on the big screen that i realize elphaba has microbraids and first, yes! but also magic must exist in this world i don't know how anybody has any patience to install those ^-^"

once again i am happy that this feels like a musical musical

I was not expecting Michelle Yeoh

random, but i love glinda's shoes in every single scene. they look vintage 30s/40s, which makes sense and also that is my favorite style of heel

gonna be totally honest I completely forgot there was supposed to be a "male lead" in this movie and idk who he is

i was gonna say he doesn't really do it for me but he slid across a table and i got to see the peach and im warmin' up to him.

that circular/ladder bookcase set looks so fricken cool and im glad it wasn't just for a single shot

idk if this is an unpopular thought or not, but I don't think glinda was completely mean for trying to foist buck onto nessarose. how long does a girl gotta be not interested for you to take a hint?

as im writing this, im wondering if that ballroom scene would go really well with HSM A Night to Remember?

why am i getting teary eyed at a girl dancing by herself?

there's a shot of grande from the side with her arm out and i gotta say again, i don't feel good about how thin she looks

OKAY I just remembered his name is JOnathan Bailey and call me Barbara Howard the way I kept getting this man confused with Jonathan Majors

What's going on with the Animals is genuinely horrifying

I too am wondering why Fiyero wasn't effected by the poppies

Emotional cheating after becoming friends is crazy work tho

that lil balloon the wizard sent with the animals feels like a microaggression somehow

the moment they get to the emerald city feels like the best place to say the melanin was POPPIN in the ensemble!

I can't claim to be a fan of Wicked but seeing Chenoweth and Menzel cameo in such perfect roles got me misty eyed I love when folks are given recognition like that

this whole movie was good but from the time they meet the wizard all the way up to the end I was enraptured

Perfect ending to the movie (and I imagine this is where the intermission would have been?) leaves you on that emotional high and ready for more while still feeling satisfied.