#like it went from 2 hour convos at 3 am or while i’m at work explaining that im not a horrible person for x

[lilgynt]

maybe i’m just finding any issue with situationship guy before we have sex bc i’m feeling weird about sex but also maybe he wasn’t wrong when he said he was clingy and i do not care for it

[plantwriting]

I am in purgatory or perhaps hell (had a 3 hour nap that I got up from around 10pm and have not been able to fall asleep and it is now 3:40am).

anyways, could u talk abt some headcanons that you've been wanting to? /nf ^-^

Oh shit sorry to hear that, can kinda relate I woke up at like 3.30 am and couldn’t fall back asleep today lol, hope you can get some rest though

Also! Absolutely!!!! Hold on entering my mind palace hhhh

Kian has NPD. I know this. In my heart. Very much like a case of “I /need/ to be better than others because if I’m not then I don’t have any worth at all”. Like he holds himself to impossibly high standards that he would never actually expect from anyone else because he’s supposed to be different

Rand also has npd. I also know this in my heart.

Got reminded of this while relistening to ep 4, when I first listened I just like. Decided to hc Rolan as transfem. And then promptly forgot and made him into a gay man instead oops

Rand was given Barc as an emotional support animal after Rachel disappeared

Kian’s parents were teens when they had him, which. Definitely played a role in why they didn’t do a great job with him. I imagine at least one of them (specifically his mom idk why) had like very strict parents who like. Disowned them when they got pregnant which is a pretty big part in why they ended up how they did

Rolan was a weird mix of super anxious and super obedient but then also extremely rebellious when they were young. Like extreme switches between being terrified of doing anything wrong and disappointing his parents and then a day later running away for a few days and getting drunk with the others because he just couldnt handle them

Stolen from @cleverpaws Rolan had like. Longish hair as a teen. Basically as long as his parents would let him have it

Kian went through like every possible hair color as a kid and preteen before settling on blonde because Identity Issues

Have. Touched on it a bit in the series but yeah Kian in my mind definitely did sex work at some point while living in Hollywood. He stopped after someone literally like nearly killed him (which i also referenced in that one oneshot! Fun times)

Becky’s band stayed together after her death/disapperance and ended up pretty popular. Like. Not a household name but they would definitely have a bit of a cult following especially within lgbtq+ circles

Rand was the tallest of the guys for so many years and he was so upset when Rolan had a sudden growth spurt and got tall

Also. Stolen from my convos with cleverpaws Kian was Rachel’s favorite babysitter because he 1. Would listen to her infodump 2. Was the only one that would agree to like. Play dressup and such with her and 3. Was actually smart enough to somewhat understand what she was talking about

I have talked about this before but. Rand. In my heart. Would not be skinny he is overweight and i need this to be more popular as a hc

Coming back from the dead healed all of kian’s wounds which unfortunately included his piercings :( he needs to get them redone oof (at least he still has his tattoos)

Speaking. Of tattoos: the guys would all get matching tattoos after everything happened

Not really a headcanon per se. But. I did realize yesterday that ive kinda accidentally started thinking of what happened between kian and becky under that tree as like. An allegory for sexual assault. Which. Yeah. Rough.

Mentioned both in the coming out oneshot and in a previous post at some point but kian has just a small box of things that mean a lot to him that he keeps hidden away and managed to keep safe even while homeless and stuff. It will definitely show up later on in the fic

Rolan has gone to a gay bar once, almost had a panic attack, and decided to never try again

No clue if i will include this in the therapy series or not. Also cant remember if ive made a post about this or not. But. Rand would start working out at some point after they all survived simply to flirt with kian better (pick him up. He just wants to be able to carry kian around)

Speaking of rand after they all survived (im not in denial shut up) he would eventually discover just a very genuine care for gardening. Like. Non weed plants. Hed grow a very nice garden in their backyard :)

Rolan has had 4 girlfriends in the past, one in high school, one in college, and then two afterwards. They all ended relatively calmly

I can absolutely give more if you want but to not make the post way too long here it is lol

[bonesandthebees]

Oh yeah, I think the only person Wilbur might lose to in the streams shittiest sleep schedule competition is Tubbo, and that’s probably only because Wilbur needs to be awake on time for band stuff every once in a while (see filming the NPT music video at 9 am).

But I have watched the vod now (basically all I do is watch vod, the only people I every catch live is the QSMP morning crew and that’s only like the first 2-3 hours of stream). I was not ready for the sims 4 convo, or Karl Jacobs with the steal chair.

Also, Wilbur’s singing has gotten so much better. Like I remember when he would sing on stream and it would be fun, but filled to the brim with voice cracks. There wasn’t a single one all stream. All his notes were smooth. He used his head voice and everything. You can tell he’s been working with a voice coach. The progress is amazing.

Also, also. New song! We only just got this one! And the guitar is so cool! And I love when he does how to play breakdown, it makes it so much easier to learn the songs. I’m gonna need to try and play NTP now.

-🌲

god yeah tubbo's sleep schedule is near nonexistent. I still have fond memories of all the times I used to see he was live on the alt or something before I went to bed, and when I'd wake up in the morning he'd still be live. good times.

ironically despite us being in completely different time zones, I also mostly catch the morning crew bc morning is when I have the most free time lol so 🤝

the sims 4 convo was so funny because I also used to cycle wildly being between obsessed with the sims 4. I saw on twitter that we got a few more people being like "I didn't know wilbur from lovejoy was a twitch streamer" bc of the stream yesterday or they knew but they only knew him from lovejoy and didn't catch a stream until then, and their introduction to the lead singer of lovejoy's twitch was him talking about not leaving his house for a week bc he was playing the sims 4 for 16 hours a day. what an impression.

shoutout to karl jacobs coming out of left field that was fun

his singing has improved so much it's so lovely to see!!! I definitely remember the voice crack days and I kept waiting for his voice to crack when he sang yesterday and it just didn't happen.

ooooo best of luck learning to play npt!! seems like such a fun song to play and sing along too

[rabidmind101]

I’m gonna take a minute while I have some down time to ponder the possibility of a relationship with A on MY end.

when they told me they had never been in a relationship and have trouble showing emotions, it was an instant red flag and big no-no in my mind. mind you, I had already had my mind set on something casual so it did not hurt me in any way.

the first time we had to have an uncomfortable and serious conversation, I was honestly shocked at how well they handled the situation. my expectations as to how they would communicate with me were pretty low. and this being our first deep convo, I wasn’t expecting much at all. it took them about a day to really gather their thoughts, and when we called on that day they were hesitant to provide answers, we eventually did get some answers out of them and got to discuss how we felt in a very mature way fit for the both of us. what I was looking for from that conversation was:

1. were they okay with not being in a relationship

2. were they okay with doing sexual things

3. were they happy with how things were going and want to continue

and all those questions were answered for me. not only that, but it made me realize that they are better handling confrontation than I thought. I wanted to make sure I provided a comfortable setting for them to open up to me and I think I have. we decided in the future that we wouldn’t text about any important issues again and that if I had to, I would call them. and while I would expect a casual partner to be generally good at communication, they exceed that in a way because I find their personality, interests, and social life so intriguing. I feel like keeping them as a casual dating thing would do both of us a disservice because there is so much that’s gone unexplored. I mean, where we are now we already are fucking head over heels for each other.

I guess my hesitation with this comes from how I handled my past relationship. I basically just went off of a feeling and dove right in without thinking about anything. and I ended up with a lying, cheating, whiny little man. yeah I felt physically comfortable around D, never thought he would harm me or anything. but around A it’s a different kind of comfort. since we’re both nonbinary I feel comfort in my identity. I don’t have to worry about relationship gender roles. I don’t have to worry about looking fem, shaving, being questioned for my friendships with men, and I can express my personality to someone who REALLY gets it!

I feel like a relationship with A could be fulfilling for me. I have the feelings that are most definitely mutual, they help me feel valid in my identity, we can talk for hours, similar interests, they have lots of friends (not a fucking loser like D), our dynamic works well, and most importantly, we are able to have open and direct communication about topics that are uncomfortable to discuss, but we are able to do so because we find the conversation important to ourselves and to our relationship.

I guess I’m pretty solid with how I feel about them and the potential of a committed relationship. my only concerns now are if they are actually up for it. they did say that they were “down for anything”. meaning they would be open to a friendship, something casual, or perhaps something serious. like they’re not too picky at this point. I really hope that what I’ve told them in the past hasn’t scared them away from that possibility with me. I know if someone told me they wanted to have a casual relationship so they can keep their options open, I would probably be hurt if I really was into them. it would definitely make me question the intentions of the person. and then if they came back and was like “actually never mind”, I would find that also very questionable.

I guess I just hope that, considering our closeness and openness to each other, they would understand that although I was confident in what I said then, that I am capable of changing my mind. and I’ll admit it, it’s not like I fear commitment at all. I am very fond of commitment, and I do it very well. I am just particular about who I commit to because I need to deem them “worth it”.

WOAHHH REALIZATION. so that is what’s changed for me. I’ve gone from hesitant to commit to a relationship, to realizing that this person would be worth a mutual commitment.

[jigsaw173]

Man saturday was wild for me. I’m now going to describe it.

Long story short, I woke up late for a presentation and bombed it, went to work and got a huge ego boost, got lost in public transit for 4 hours, and messed around with my friends.

9:24 am.

I am woken up to panicked messages from my classmate. I’m late for a competition presentation for engineering because I got the time wrong. I rush to find my engineering academy’s polo but can’t so I just throw on an aloha shirt. I have a lot of aloha shirts.

I join the meeting. I look at our pre-recorded video. We look very half-assed compared to the other teams. We decide to give the presentation instead of a video. I drink a Yoo-hoo my dad brought me during this.

We bomb it(not in the good way.) BUT. For some reason, the judges liked our concept. They said to pitch it to the government. We celebrate cause our strict engineering teacher who was watching looks happy.

My classmate leaves early cause she has to go to work. I also do, but for some reason I’m held in the meeting. I see an underclassmen team from my school pitching a similar idea. Theirs is so much more put together. I’m panicking about missing work. Eh.

Around 11 am.

I say “screw it” and leave the meeting, even though it isn’t over. I rush to get ready so I can make it to “work.” I throw on a red turtleneck and some oversized jeans. I grab a fashionable Fanny pack packed with my breakfast/lunch and my boots and I’m out the door.

12 am.

(For context, the place I work at is a tourist area in the middle of a military base that can only be accessed by taking a shuttle to the area or by being military. To get to the shuttle, you have to go through security.)

We arrive. I am anxious about whether the security guard will let me take my fanny pack in or not. I approach the gate. It’s a different guard than the one I’m used to. He stops me to inspect my badge(it’s a piece of paper saying [workplace] that’s laminated with a clip on it and a label with my name) claiming he’s never seen it before. I know. We only use the badges around the tourist area.

I board the shuttle. I almost missed it. I ran. I sit on the portside of the shuttle, because it has the best view of nearby military ships. Pop the ol’ AirPods and listen to Lemon Demon. I’m shocked at the sight of a few of the usual ships missing. I miss them. The shuttle arrives at the NOT usual spot. I’m confused. I walk into the area anyways, taking in the mighty stature of a ship as I look up.

1230.

I see my one of my superiors throwing slices of ham into the harbor, with a swarm of fish at least 3 feet long each fighting over each and every one. A crowd of around 5 other workers watches. The usual routine at lunch break. If I miss lunch break, it’s hard to find other coworkers to receive assignments.

As I approach the lunch pavilion, I’m met with cheery greetings. I see two young adults I’ve only seen once before. They’re the nephews of the dude throwing ham into the harbor. We all eat together after I throw my cheese burger in the microwave. They ask me about my week. Was good. I ask my coworkers a question.

“Which branch do you guys think is the best?”

I asked it because I wondered which branch I should go into in the future.

This catches the attention of my 2 ex-navy coworkers along with the 2 young adults, who are apparently navy, and the one ex-army guy. They launch a lengthy convo about the branches. USAF has terrible people, USN has terrible privacy, and USMC has terrible funding. The navy and army peeps give each other a chuckle. I don’t remember the rest other than the woman talking about sexism.

While they are talking, I notice a brown patch in the water. I know this too well.

“Hey look. Sea turtle.”

Everyone looks over in anticipation. We love turtles. They’re actually more common thank you’d think. The navy woman says I have good eyesight. My boss passes me some leftover pork. I don’t have the heart to tell him I can’t eat it because I’m full. I pretend to not know it’s for me. I go over to grab some water and login in a book.

Around 1300.

We all go up to the work area as a group. The group splits into two. First group is my boss, who says something about having me do laundry and guy, and the second is a lady I usually work with and the two sailors. I panic. I go with the sailors, yelling to my boss that I’ll follow them. I don’t know if he heard me.

We climb up ladders and through hatches to get to our usual area. She gives the sailors instructions and asks me if I want to join them. Sure. We go down to another floor and get on our knees and scrub at a floor plaque that was polished with brasso, evident by green powder caked in its cracks.

It’s mostly silent, with a few “can you guys move for a second so I take a photo of the plaque?” from visitors. A tour guide tells visitors that they’ll be scrubbing the plaque too if they don’t pay attention. The woman tells us the story of the Indianapolis.

She’s like “man I want to go at the grooves(we can’t reach with our brushes)with a plastic knife.”

And I’m like “wait we can use our badges!” And we start using our badges and it’s so much better. And then she starts using a real card and so I do it too and it’s so good

Im like “why didn’t they give us scraping tools in the first place” and she tells me all about the properties of brass

I tell them I asked about the branches because of the ASVAB and what I should do if I were to go into the navy. They seem a little surprised. They start going into stuff. She’s like “you’re in college yeah?” Cause I was scraping with my college id

I am not in college. I’m in high school. (Long story)

They’re surprised again. I tell them I’m in engineering and electronics at my school. They’re like “oh OKAY so you’re smarter than me.” They tell me I could be a nuke (nuclear mechanic basically) and work on submarines or aircraft carriers. They were like “Nukes get stupid goofy amounts of pay and leave.” See, my ego gets really big at this point. They SOLD joining the navy to me. The guy goes on about mechanical engineering.

~14:00

We pour water in a Mountain Dew bottle on it and finish up our work. We head down to the office and regroup. The two sailors leave, but not before the guy talks to me more about mechanical engineering. My boss gives him a business card, along with me too.

When it’s just my boss left, he has more work for me to help him with. We grab a quick break. He asks me if I wanted ice cream or water. Water is king. We then take some battleship gray and go up and paint a box with it. When we’re done, we take some tables up. I’m too weak to actually do anything to the tables, so I just help make sure they don’t fall over in the wagon.

After that’s done, he has me take mop buckets deep into the structure with him. I see natural in one of the rooms. Shocking. He then takes me on an extensive tour, as usual. This time, I’m met with hot rooms with huge ceilings and sloped floors, with hatches that go down 8 floors or so. I fear dropping my phone down these hatches.

After we’re done, we walk over to the floor above where we were and he explains more things. We visit the information desk to say hi. My boss starts a conversation with them as I explore the area. I’m scared by an unexpected guy coming out of a hatch door. I jump and everyone erupts in laughter.

15:22

We head back down to the office. I sign out, and grab a mint chocolate ice cream from the community freezer. We get to eat ice cream when we’re done. I’ve seen a grown ass group of 30 navy/marines who work here on different schedules cheer when ice cream was mentioned.

Saying my goodbyes, I board the shuttle back. This time, I sit on starboard side of the bus to get the same view. Pop that one trending baby girl song.

It makes a short stop at another area, where I jump off to check out the gift shop. I stare too long at one red shirt that looks like a RBF tag. It’s genius. I see some cool ww2 logo hats. That’s the origin of the sparky post. I see a gorgeous Boeing shirt. I resist. There’s more blue angel plushies. I see the mini jets I saw last time, but there’s helicopters now. I end up buying a flag semaphore sticker postcard and some helis. I jump back on the shuttle.

I open Google maps to figure out how to get to a nearby mall by bus. I don’t use public transit very often. It should have taken like 30 minutes tops to get there. Oh boy.

I follow all the tourists to a bus stop, thinking I was at the right one. Routes 51 and 20. That’s what Google said. I check the sign. Checks outZ However, when I zoom in on Google maps, I was supposed to be at the other side of the street. “Oh shit.” I run over to the traffic light and slam on the cross button. It takes so long that the 20 bus arrives. I board it because I didn’t want to NOT board a bus. I know it’s route is long, but I board anyways, scanning my glorified suica card. I see the 51 bus pull up to the stop across the street while I board.

I stare out the window for a while. I love staring out windows. Never gets boring. I have adhd btw. As the bus gets farther and farther away. I have to physically restrain myself from getting too excited when the bus cycles through the local airport and docks.

1?:00

I’ve spent so long on this bus. I’m at like one of the furthest points in the state. I watch Peaky Blinders every once in a while to kill time. This guy in front of me has been fighting sleep for a while. I track my friends to see if anyones working in the area I’m debating jumping out at.

I get kicked off at the last stop. In the middle of nowhere. I thought the bus was just going to go through the route again backwards. In a panic, I call my dad. As I do this, another bus of the same route pulls up. I breathe a sigh of relief. As two women approach the entrance. We all have to wait a minute for the driver to start. They sit on the back. I sit around the same spot.

The bus goes back to where I needed it to. The air conditioning is killing me. Lots of people jump out at the airport. I’ve been on the bus for hours. I redo my hair. A friend calls me. This is the friend that worked at the place I was debating getting off of the bus at. I lost interest in getting off when I realized he was also on a bus heading home. I leave the call upon realizing my phone is almost dead.

When I finally reach the place I’ve been trying to get to, it’s dusk.

19:00

I arrive at the mall. It starts raining a bit but I shrug it off as nothing more than a light sprinkle. I was wrong. It turns worse. I have to run into the mall, postcard in hand. The postcard gets soaked. I see if a bread shop I like is open. They aren’t.

Upon arrival at the mall. I quickly walk past a stand that one of my friends works at. He and a coworker are talking with a security guard friend of theirs. I don’t think he notices me. I go into a cute cafe where another friend of mine works, where he’s ringing someone up. He smiles as soon as he sees me.

I order “the usual.” It’s a banana-chocolate crepe with vanilla ice cream. He gives me the “military” discount despite not being military. I did just come from a military place though I guess. He always gives me discounts. I tell him about my day. He laughs, telling me he was wondering why I took so long in a jokingly disappointed way. I ask for the crepe as “eat-in.” I also ask if he wanted anything. I always like to buy some snacks or anything to help out my working friends. He declines. As I’m sitting down at the table, I take out my little helicopters and stare at them.

The crepe is served on a cute plate with cute silverware. It’s mid. It’s very good, but it’s made in a way that makes the ingredients hard to keep together. I watch my friend ring up a couple with a very cute fish bag. He compliments the bag and the girl tells him she got it at a local convention that happened.

After I finish, we go and visit the guy at the kiosk. I give the fish girl my compliments. The security guy has left. My friend is cutting charsiu. The cafe friend nabs some and they giggle. Kiosk friend’s coworker asks if my friend wants this hot pocket they just found in their fridge. He accepts. They’re a little disappointed it’s frozen. I tell them to cook it on the grill. The kiosk is literally a food thingy. The coworker literally starts cooking the hot pocket like a crepe, and makes a takeout box labeled “(cafe) bitch” to put it in. Cafe guy leaves to return to his job. I watch them make the hot pocket. He accidentally drops it on the floor, but we silently agree not to say a word. I watch my friend do stuff at the kiosk.

I’m bored. I go grab a corn dog nearby, seeing an old friend I haven’t seen in years. All I say is hi. The prices of the corn dogs astound me. They were $4. The prices of the corn dogs where I work are $7. Tourist traps. The corn dog is mid. It could have used more sugar. I deliver the hot pocket to the cafe. There’s no space for him to hold onto it so I just take it back to the kiosk. I grab an egg timer from a nearby novelty shop.

I go to pick up my friend from the cafe. As we’re walking out, the security gate starts lowering and I panic and rush to get under it. It stops of course, but I slip on something and take a bad fall. Embarrassed, I get up quickly and we head over to the kiosk, where I finally allow myself to collapse onto the counter.

We eat our one hot pocket and corn dog. I mention it’s taste. We giggle as we notice a bottle of cinnamon dust sitting on the other side of a glass wall in the kiosk. I stick my hand under the glass to raise it, while he sticks his arm over to grab it from the top. No one notices. I powder some on and drop it back over the glass as we laugh. He asks about the egg volcano and after I refuse to tell him how much it cost he puts on a smug “oh no” look. The security guard arrives again and everyone starts gossiping. After, my kiosk friend whips up some beautiful crepes (they sell crepes too) for someone and has me record it.

As my dad arrives to pick me up, I say my goodbyes. I leave the mall and it’s dark out. My dad starts laughing at me for getting lost on public transit for 4 hours while I am explaining I wasn’t lost.

21:00

When I get home, my brother keeps calling me Zoro (a character rhat always gets lost in one piece.) I take a small shower and as soon as I get out, I’m met with a bunch of notifs from another friend telling me to get onto Terraria. He is spamming me. I get on. We call again. Bus guy. He’s making fun of me getting lost. We laugh and grind Terraria until we’re tired.

1:00

I sleep.

[7ella7]

Choosing submission.

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years.  We got together as teenagers and there’s a lot of love there, but it hasn’t been easy.  We semi-recently had a few fresh-start moments.  A cross-country move, some extremely beneficial marriage counseling, and a pandemic to bring us into the same space 24/7, and all three have been awesome. (I’m not saying the pandemic is awesome, just the extra time we get to spend together.)  

I recently got super vulnerable with him and shared that I want to submit to him.  I’ve always kind of known that I’ve been drawn to the idea of being subject to a man.  I like the idea of being told what to do, how he wants things done, when he wants things done, and being expected to meet his expectations or accept the consequences.  It would help me to know and understand what he wants/needs as well as give me some additional structure.  There are so many things I find appealing about this, but I don’t really understand why/where it comes from, but hopefully over time I’ll be able to understand it better myself.

I told him 2 weeks ago.  We’d been talking about our sex life and how to begin to really re-engage in that relationship aspect with one another after some challenges we’ve had.  I was reading some things online and eventually came across a podcast called Over The Knee and the tumblr pages of @amysubmits and @cynicaldom (Thank you both so much for writing).  It was like a lightbulb went off.  I’d read about domestic discipline before, years ago, and we had tried it for a couple months after we had gotten married, but the way I tried to live submission caused problems in our dynamic.  What I didn’t get from the DD sites back then was that it was okay (or necessary even) to still have my own thoughts/opinions/wants and to express them.  I think I was trying to focus only on what my husband needed/wanted, and push down I wanted/needed.  It seemed at the time like me sharing my wants/needs with him would somehow make my submission less real.  Then, when I listened to the OTK podcast and read their tumblr pages a couple weeks ago, I felt like I understood so much better how a real couple could actually do it successfully and showed me that a submissive partner is not the same a passive partner who lets the relationship and the Dominant partner’s wants and needs be the only thing that exists between them.  It’s a full relationship with active involvement and communication on both sides, but with a power exchange component.  They both make a point about how important it is for him to have that information from her.

It had been over 10 years since we had tried domestic discipline before.  The whole dynamic just kind of fizzled out pretty quickly due to the issues with how we tried to go about it.  We hadn’t talked about it since.  I was so nervous to talk about the idea of trying again that I started the convo through text message.  I sent the text, but we were both in the same room, so I went to clean something in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye when he read it.  I built up my courage and went back in, but he was still watching TV.  He’d turned his phone on silent and didn’t get it for another hour and a half (it was low-key torture).  I would alternate between different tasks and watching TV with him, trying to relax about it, but feeling like that paragraph of a text message put so much of me out there that made it difficult to even breathe normally at certain points.  I was scared that he wouldn’t be interested at all and that it’d be shut down, but more than that, I was scared that he’d think I was weird and ultimately shut me down, not because he would be cruel about it, but because it had taken so much to be that vulnerable.  It could have been crushing.  I have a really hard time opening up about things like this, and I’m more than a little shy about things that tie into my sexuality.  Yes, even with my husband.  However, marriage counseling and a recent book I read have helped me to be able to make some important moves toward embracing vulnerability.

When he did get the message, he started by reading the tumblr pages, and we listened to an episode of their podcast.  When we talked about it later that afternoon, he actually said he liked a lot of the basic ideas, but he had a lot of questions for me about why, what motivations I had, what I ultimately wanted from the dynamic, etc.  It was a start.  We’ve had maybe 3-4 conversations about it in the last couple weeks, and yesterday we started discussing an initial agreement.  When I asked him what areas of our life he’d like to have authority in, he said he’d like to eventually have my submission in everything.  (It made my heart happy.)  The main things we discussed which areas of our life I’m ready to submit in fully (home life, sex life), and a couple that I am not ready to hand over yet (work life, food, clothes).  We’re trying to be intentional and start slow so we can kind of grow into this.  We also discussed a few rules and expectations that we’re interested in starting with.  We have plenty of ideas, but are starting slowly with 1-3 rules.  I haven’t seen the agreement yet, he’s in the process of writing it up (which also made me happy because he’s taking ownership of some of the process already).  So I wait.  I feel excited and happy and nervous and fluttery and tingly a lot lately.  We’re just at the beginning and we haven’t even officially entered an agreement, but I wanted to catch these events and feelings before we move further into the journey.

There’s like a million more things I could write, but here’s the bullet list for brevity’s sake- and maybe I’ll be able to revisit and expand on some of this later:

I am feeling nervous about diving in- I feel like I’ve wanted this for so long, but what happens if I’m a horrible submissive or really struggle with my stubbornness when it comes time to show my submission through my actions?

I have a markedly higher sex drive than I’ve had in years- I feel like I have the biggest crush on my husband.

Also, somehow while I’ve routinely hated doing things like dishes for the past... well forever I guess.  But when I think about doing them for him, it turns me on a little bit.  Idk if that’s a thing that lasts, but I would love it if that sticks around, haha.

I wonder about how he really feels about everything.  I know he LOVES the idea of traditional gender roles and he’s been clear about that for a long time, but I’m not sure where he falls on the idea of providing discipline.  Is that something he could end up eventually liking?  Maybe not the actual punishment itself, but the effects of it?  Idk.

I wonder how we’ll do- will we be able to avoid some of the problems we had in the beginning by being open communicators even when it’s hard?  Will he stay consistent with me?  Will we both feel the dynamic and value it enough to keep working on it over time?

I worry about being the spouse that brought it up.  I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this.  There are definitely things in his makeup that make me think he’ll be a natural.  I was drawn to him even in high school because he is a good and traditional man.  We share a lot of the same values.  I know a lot of his views align perfectly with this dynamic, but it’s asking a lot of someone to take on that Dominant role.  I just hope that he will find fulfillment there for himself, because I couldn’t continue to ask him to do it if it’s not something he decides on his own that he wants.

I am super happy that I found Tumblr and so many awesome blogs where people have shared so openly what their dynamic looks like.  It’s a great help to feel like there are others out there.

8 June 2020

[d4rkwr1t3s]

Three Written Loves Chapter 2

Romoxiety and Intruloceit soulmate au where you are given a notebook to communicate with your soulmates at 16. You cannot say your name, address, place of school/work, number, etc.

TW: Mentioned cutting, not eating (not by choice), if anything else needs to be tagged please tell me

Chapter is in Patton’s POV with mentioned Prinxiety. Pat has a convo with Ro with a very slight mention of Remus

Fonts/Colors for the chapter from Google Docs: Virgil’s- Pacifico purple last dot  Roman’s- Pinyon Script red 4th dot

He didn’t know how long he had been walking when he came up to the school. It was still dark but the school seemed like a safe place to stay. Especially with class tomorrow. Only problem was the alarms so people didn’t go in uninvited or when it wasn’t time or whatever reason they were told this year. Patton yawned but leaned against a tree still out of sight from the cameras or people when they arrived and picked some sticks out of his hair. He was absolutely exhausted and dehydrated but he couldn’t rest yet. Not with school in how long? He had turned off his phone to keep the battery charged even if it wouldn’t work soon with his parents turning off his line. What did he just get himself into? Besides who could he call? He didn’t have any friends at this school he could rely on. Well not yet anyway. He hoped to make some soon. Could he hide in the locker rooms after school? Maybe? Last resort. He’d have to start eating in the lunchroom which was better than nothing. Patton let out a yawn before stretching, wincing at the soreness the action brings. He was pretty sure he twisted his ankle on a root but there wasn’t much he could do about that right now. He’d survive. It’d hurt but it wouldn’t kill him, right? He shook his head to rid himself of the thought before feeling the telltale feeling that someone had written in the book. Patton moved that backpack to his lap before opening it to get out his book and read it. Now he didn’t feel as alone even if he was all alone in the woods, in the dark, and with no sort of water. He scanned the lines given which weren’t that much but it felt like enough to him. If he went back and commented on previous statements would they notice?

Ro: Hey V… You up? I-

V: Yeah I’m up princey. What’s going on?

Ro: I… nvm

V: No. No nvm tell me

Ro: Just a bad feeling and arguments again

V: You’re not hurt are you?

Ro: No! I’m fine just thoughts

V: Just don’t fall asleep writing again. Remember-

Ro: Yeah yeah I remember. Don’t have to bring it up

V: I can feel your pout from here. Remember though-

Ro: I know. Just don’t leave me alone right now.

Ro: I’m sorry I’m supposed to be your prince no-

V: You don’t have to be all the time. Beside you’re already my prince and even princes need saving sometimes

Ro: Thanks V

V: Of course. Got the butterflies?

Ro: Yep! Ones even purple your special color. No harm shall befall any of them

V: You are so cheesy

Ro: You love me thooo

V: That I do. That I do

Ro: Didn’t you say you were moving?

V: Hm? Yeah. Moving in with my brother. Still in the car with him. I should arrive tomorrow morning if traffic holds up

Ro: Really hope its here so I can make good on my promises!

V: I wanna see you try but we’ll see. Maybe

Ro: Someday I’ll find you my love but I have to get up in an hour for school so Imma go to sleep

V: Sleep well. Talk to you later

Patton gently moved his fingers across the writing. So it was about 5 am. Not enough time to actually get enough sleep but enough to get ready. School started at 8:15 am but most showed up between 7:20 and 8:30 am. The halls didn’t open to students till 8 so he had 3 hours. 3 hours to look presentable and not look like he had just been kicked out and had been travelling all night. Did he take a detour? He didn’t remember the path taking that long. Well maybe it was the constant tripping or the slow pace due to not being able to see. Either way. Maybe there was a little house in the woods he could stay in for a little bit. That’d be too easy though. He sighed softly but slowly got up off the ground with a wince. Using this time to actually clean up a bit. He didn’t feel safe or comfortable changing in public eye. The sun was coming up now so it should be safe to go to the cafeteria to get something for breakfast. Maybe he’d see Roman again. Roman seemed trustworthy so maybe he could help a bit. He sighed softly before starting the trek up to the school, limping due to his twisted ankle. 

Ro: Hey V

V: Shouldn’t you be in class?

Ro: I aaaaaam

V: Then why are you writing to me. You’re going to get in trouble

Ro: It's fine just wanted to say thanks anyway for earlier. I’ll talk to you at lunch V!

Patton sighs and shuts his soulbook after reading the messages. Looking over at the male who just shut his soulbook not even three desks away in red pen. Roman Kingston. Well there was a small chance it wasn’t him. But what if it was? What would that be like? Patton shook his head slightly to rid himself of that thought. No. He had a mission. He needed to talk to Roman about staying with him for a few nights until he found some other place. Then maybe he’d finally write to his soulmates. Hopefully they wouldn’t be too upset. He didn’t ever want to hurt them. Patton sighed softly and waited for the bells to ring.

When the bells finally rang Patton stood and walked over to Roman. He held one arm in a hand as he waited nervously. Roman seemed to light up at seeing him before pulling out a container. He pushed through the crowd to get to Patton with that brilliant smile that almost made his heart skip a beat.

“Patton! I’ve been looking for a time to give this to you. It’s mama’s recipe. It’s in thanks for the cookies yesterday,” Roman moved to hand him the cookies that Patton hesitantly took.

“Thank you. Can I ask a favor?” He asked nervously while holding the tin with two hands.

“Of course! What is it?”

“Can I stay with you for a few nights?”

“Did something happen?” Roman’s face dropped into one of concern yet seriousness.

“Yes… It won’t be long if-”

“Nonsense! You can stay as long as you like. Mama loves visitors. Just meet me and my… brother out by J wing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive! I’ll text Mama later. I’ll talk to you later,” he smiles with a wave before leaving to his locker. Patton stood still for a moment with a smaller fonder smile. He pulls the cookies closer with a mutter of, “see you later.” He then walks out to head to class. One more block till lunch.

[golbrocklovely]

i'm gonna rant about my job for a hot minute, so don't mind me.

the one manager that i work with the most went off on us today bc she got in trouble. the reason why she got in trouble was bc one of my coworkers reported her to the DM bc of her behavior towards all of us, but specifically stuff that happened on saturday.

i didn't realize how long this was gonna be, so i'm gonna put a divider.

that being said, if you wanna know the hot gossip about my work environment, come on in and read lol

i realize i need to name everyone, otherwise this might get confusing.

terrible manager: A

coworker #1: X

coworker #2: J

coworker #3: K

we got it? cool beans.

first off, i need you to understand why A is so terrible. it's not dumb stuff like 'she works us too hard' or whatever. there are legitimate reasons i, and everyone else at my store, dislike her.

here are some of the things my manager has done:

- made J have a panic attack and had to clock out early for break bc of it

- said to me 'oh, you must be in a better mood than yesterday. you're not as much of a smartass today.' (also, i literally wasn't a smartass to her at all the day before. i was in a pissed off mood bc i didn't want to be at work and i complained about the customers. i literally never spoke to her that day.)

- called K a bitch to her face

- has talked to all of my younger coworkers (most of which are only 20 max and younger than her oldest daughter) about her bf who is on the sex offender list

- she also sees no problem with it bc it happened back when he was in his 20s and she plays off why he's on the list as if it's not serious

- has also told us that cps has been called on her multiple times and she sees nothing wrong with that weirdly

- talks terribly about her own children. like, it's like she hates them the way she speaks of them.

- gave me corona (she got it first and we work the same shifts all the time)

- did not go thru the proper channels to tell corporate about her getting covid, and then on top of that came back earlier than suggested

- constantly undermines us by asking us if what we have as backstock can go out, as if we haven't spent our whole 8 hr shift doing just that

- now, since knowing J has anxiety, will constantly patronize him by saying 'i don't want to give you too much, i don't want to upset you'

- during the holidays when our new staff that came in, she never learned their names and called them all 'you' and when was called out about it shrugged it off

- sent one of them home bc they wanted to eat their noodles first (he was hungry bc he came from a different 8 hr shift) while being clocked in, even tho there are plenty of times i've eaten at the beginning of my shift and so have other managers as well

there's probably about a hundred other things i could tell you, but this is just some of the complaints i've heard or witnessed myself.

on saturday, the reason why X reported A to the DM was bc she told J to take out the trash instead of helping us with the palettes (we work freight in case you didn't know). when X complained about it, and questioned why J couldn't just do it later after the palettes, A wouldn't listen. eventually, when i stepped away, A came up to X and ripped the scanner away from her and told her 'i'll do the palettes since you won't stop bitching.' (and mind you, she should have been helping with the palettes, but she never really does unless direly necessary)

that was enough for X, who decided to leave and then report A to the DM. A got in trouble with our GM too.

now that you're caught up, let me tell you what A is now going to start enforcing (she claims these are corporate policies that we need to start following):

- no more headphones in before the store is open. if we listen to music it has to be all the same music and it must bc PG (bc we work at a toy store basically)

- no leggings, ripped jeans, sweatshirts, or anything that covers the logo on our uniforms.

- if we take out trash, we all collectively go out together

- we will go together and do each section in our store instead of being separated and doing each section on our own

- if we are going to have a phone convo, if it is longer than 5 mins, we must clock out and take our break

and if we don't listen to what she says, we will get written up.

now, the only reason she is laying into these """rules""" now is bc she got in trouble and she's being spiteful.

do you wanna know what that got her? K and J left at the same time this morning and then K quit. i and X stayed bc we want the hours.

she's gonna make everyone leave a store that we've all been working at for years. the other managers have heard our complaints and have even complained along with us and... they don't care. they just want us to keep the peace, even at our own expense of dignity and respect.

so... i'm gonna be looking for a new job (with benefits) asap bc... fuck this place. i've had my own problems before with here but decided to stick them out, but i'm not gonna deal with a women who literally has a sexual offender as a bf degrade me bc she likes a power trip for whatever reason. i'm not her child and i will not handle her like i am one, if you know what i'm saying.

okay, sorry how long this was. hope this was an enjoyable read lol

[reeesea]

Something Sweet: Part Three

~sweet beginnings~

one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine

pairing: minsung, jisung/minho

warning: mild language 

words: 2.5k ish

summary: sweet beginnings and small apartments, also Seungmin baby shows up 

a/n: Im honestly just proud of myself for posting a third chapter woo!! lemme know if you read and enjoyed <3

also the spacing got wack trying to do the text convos, so hope the bold and non bold isn't too gross to look at. Minho and Jisung

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minho wakes up to the sun streaming in through the thinly veiled curtains over his window. Thankfully he woke up to a minimal headache in spite of having gone out to the bar and an impromptu concert the night before. Rolling over in his small twin sized bed he reached for his phone to check the time and any potentially important notifications. 

9:26 am 

[ 2 new messages from Rich Boy Han Jisung ]

Minho finds himself smiling at the new messages from the boy that had stumbled upon him last night. 

2:25 am

Youre right I do hear it all the time

but it sounds pretty sweet coming from you ;} 

I'll tell J.One you thought he was amazing

9:28 am

Careful Han, your cockiness is showing

Jisungs’s cocky demeanor does nothing but make him more endearing to the older, but something gave Minho the impression that the boy already knew this. Not expecting a reply from the other this early in the morning, Minho stretched out of bed and made his way out of his small bedroom and quietly to the shared bathroom. Not a small feat in the old apartment shared by him and his roommates. Creaky floorboards, squeaky doors, and over all close proximity to each other makes being quietly courteous in the morning a frequent challenge for the boys. 

The living room at the end of the small hallway was turned into a shared bedroom for Minho's two roommates. Felix’s mattress had gotten a bed frame from some trading website a few months back when he moved in. The makeshift wall of hung shower curtains and a fold out screen gave the boys the illusion of privacy between their respective sides of the room. Even though more times than not, Minho has come home to find the lanky brunette curled up in Felix's bed instead of on his designated couch. 

Climbing over the piles of the boys’ clothes, Minho makes it to the bathroom without disturbing the other two. The two were still passed out from working their night shifts, draped over each other on the freckled boy’s bed. Neither showed signs of awakening any time in the morning hours. Minho showered quickly and changed in order to make his way out of the apartment and on his way to the studio to practice his Saturday away

Minho would have thought that the both of them would have remained in their university dorms for the summer, if they weren’t able to find apartments on their own. But, at some point after he had graduated, he had gained himself plus two of his underclassmen as roommates. He really couldn't complain though, it all made sense as all three of them were a part of the same dance studio, barely a block away, and all had reasons to be saving money. Paying a fraction of rent really helped with all that had to be saved in order to pay for school, studio fees, living, breathing, and most importantly audition fees. 

As the summer had set in, so had the wave of audition opportunities for companies and crews. Felix had mentioned needing to prepare a video audition last week for a few entertainment companies in the area. Hyunjin was busy trying to save up his money to pay for the upcoming semesters at school to graduate like Minho had. 

Entering the practice room and being welcomed by the distinctive scent of a dance studio was enough to bring Minho back to reality. Since graduating, he had been stuck in his thoughts about what to do with his future a lot. His childhood dreams of getting into the prestigious Yellow Wood Dance Academy seemed to slip farther away from him with every passing year. His audition tapes each year during university were almost always sent back, along with a ‘We are sorry to inform you…’

 It’s not like Minho couldn't keep applying, but with every year the rejection stung a little bit more, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to take another blow. No matter how confident Minho acted about his looks, when it came to dancing his ego was glass fragile. His passion for dance sometimes felt like the only thing that kept him standing, but it had been a while since he had felt rewarded for his dedication. Even when his practically broken dream haunted him a little too much, focusing back to his craft really gave him a better grasp on reality. Making his way to the front of the room to plug in his phone to pick music, a new notification popped up. 

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

10:03am 

dw dw its all fake i assure you, all just a ploy to get you to like me

What you up to on this fineee saturday mornin??

Hmmm wouldnt you like to know 

i only tell boys i like so...

Minho smiled in spite of himself. Even over text the sparkly eyed boy was able to pull out and dust off his genuine smile. It had definitely been a while since Minho had found himself freely smiling, but here comes Han Jisung crash landing into his life, running amuck. After spending a moment debating whether or not just to tell the younger of his activities anyway, he came to the conclusion that mentioning dance would only result in more questions, and Minho really wasn't feeling like spilling his passions and dreams with the other already.

Haha i am only even more motivated now >:D

Dont strain yourself too much with that, 

im just enjoying my saturday before my shift later.

Queuing up some music Minho migrated to the middle of the room to casually freestyle and warm up for the day. Allowing the music to flood his ears, movements to take over his limbs, and only his feet to remind him of where he was, Minho’s mind went blank as he began to relax and give up control of his body to the steady beats of the song.

---

By the time Minho wrapped up his practice and was  heading home the sun was already starting to settle on the lower half of the sky. Surprisingly the day had passed him by quickly. Spending the whole day grinding out a routine he had been recently working to perfect was not usually an overall fun time, but Minho found that he was able to keep his practice productive and enjoyable. 

His smile throughout the day certainly had nothing to do with his breaks to text to Jisung. The casual banter between them felt natural, and the light conversation made him feel lighter on his feet as he moved across the floor. Even with the flirty nature of their introduction, their conversation never steered far from how anyone would expect two close friends to interact. Minho found himself smiling more throughout the day as he checked Jisung’s messages throughout the morning and afternoon. 

12:25 pm

Also for the record my capacity to flirt is honestly quite unimpressive 

I hope you aren’t talking to me for my stage charisma and charm 

To sweep you off you feet, i may be a disappointment

Usually i'm just awkward, cant flirt, doesnt leave the house, Jisung

You almost tripped over your feet walking into the bar last night

Dw im not sure id want you to sweep me off my feet with that balance

You wound me ;--;

 By talking to Jisung, he had somehow managed to satisfy all of Minho’s previous curiosities while sparking new ones. Even with Minho generally avoiding giving away his own personal interests and dreams, Jisung didn't hold those same reservations and filled their conversation with “fun facts” and lively stories. Jisung’s lively play by play of the bickering taking place between his group mates, now officially introduced as Chan and Changbin, had Minho giggling on the floor of the practice room. The way Jisung described everything brought it to life in ways that he hadn’t expected from a casual text conversation. The boy was definitely a great storyteller even just over type, and Minho found himself wondering if he would get to hear his endless stories in person.

---

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

3:36 pm

Youre one interesting man Lee Minho

Han, you know almost nothing about me

On the contrary I feel like I know a good amount

Youre name is Lee Minho

You work at the fancy restaurant Menu 98

You used to work at the bar we were at last night

You have a really beautiful smile

…

Are you quite done

Definitely not but if i start going off about how stunning your eyes are 

you might block me

Which would be a shame please dont

What happened to awkward Jisung who cant flirt huh?

Minho returned to the small apartment to find Felix attempting to cook some ramen in the microscopic kitchen and Hyunjin sprawled across the couch watching some variety show. Felix was probably fueling up in order to spend the night gaming the weekend away before his work overtook his weekdays again. Hyunjin barely looked to be conscious but still managed to wave a greeting to Minho as he walked into the room. 

“How’d practice go?” 

“Pretty well. Finally was able to clean up that middle section I’ve been messing up.” Minho hurried into the other room to shower once again before heading to the restaurant for his evening shift. 

“Oh glad to hear it.” Felix’s voice filtered in from his place by the stove that was shoved in a corner of the room, along with a fridge and a sink that barely classified it as a kitchen unit. None of the three were complaining, the stove heated up their ramen water and the fridge kept their milk cold, what more could they ask for?

“WAIT, did you talk to that guy at the bar last night???” Hyunjin’s loud voice carried from the couch through their thin walls allowing Minho to clearly hear even if his bedroom door was closed. 

“Which one, Jinnie?? You gotta be more clear than that.” Minho had actually stacked up a few numbers from his night and received atleast ten free drinks from other patrons. Not too bad for the first night out, but of course the only phone number he had bothered messaging happened to be the one he had been texting all day.

“You know the one, the rapper one you left to go see perform.” Minho of course knew, but he wasn't gonna admit it to his roommate so easily, and just hummed in response eliciting a groan from the younger. 

“If you haven’t, you so should. 3racha is all everyone from the bar is talking about. Their concert must have been a big deal or something.” 

“WHAT, 3RACHA? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Felix, apparently a fan, shuffles in with his ramen in hand to accompany the loud outburst.

“Hyung! One of them gave you their number?? They’re literally like the next big thing in the music scene. Which one of them was it?”  

J.One, Han Jisung, the cute pink hoodie guy

“His name is Jisung I’m pretty sure.” Minho was very sure. “I didnt know they were such a big deal” 

“J.One gave you his number? Damn hyung, you don't even know. They’ve been performing locally for years but their fan base has grown a ton in the last year. There’s rumors that they've signed with a company and are going to come out with something soon.” Felix continued spouting off information on the group to them, as Minho continued his routine of preparing for work at Menu 98. 

---

[Rich Boy Han Jisung]

4:35 pm

Looks like my roommate is a fan of you guys

We’re not talking the tall beautiful bartender from last night right

No that was Hyunjin, Felix is the fan

beautiful?

Ah atleast ill be on the good side of one of ur roomies

Yeah tall boy was pretty, but something about him made me think he didnt like me

I think it was his face, and his height

Most tall pretty boys dont take too well to a squirrel boy being in their territory ya know. 

Whats not to like about a cute squirrel boy

Im sure he likes you and youre over thinking

If his two roommates like you, he’ll have to like you by association

:o 

Did Lee Minho just admit to liking me 

Wow the development, less than 24 hours 

We love to see it

Your ridiculous

I said nothing of the sort

Sure sure hyung

Gtg now, dinner shifts starting

Have fun at work!!!!

(wait can i call you hyung???)

Minho left him on read as he walked into the restaurant, already bustling with waiters and the changing of shifts for the dinner crowd. ‘Less than 24 hours’ and Minho was already admitting indirectly that he liked the boy he had only just properly met the night before. Stranger things have happened he supposed. Minho continued to surprise himself with this one though. He was not one to seek out friendships or relationships. Anything more than the very occasional one night stand, was practically void from Minho’s social life. Other than the people he had met through dance and his roommates, there were very few others that Minho had chosen to form any kind of relationship with. Even his co-workers were mostly just faces and names he had to remember in order to do his job well. 

Well, expect Seungmin.

“You look awfully happy today, who spiked your coffee this morning?” Seungmin had been a newly inserted character in Minho’s life but they became fast friends after a few too many late night shifts without proper caffeination. 

Seungmin had been a newly hired host at Menu 98, just the average polite university student with enough experience to get hired. When Minho met him they exchanged the basic pleasantries and thought that would be the end of that, until one fated closing shift. A certain, tipsy, entitled, rich, high class asshole of a customer had held up Minho’s section for much of the night. Minho found himself being bossed around and verbally berated throughout the night, trying to serve the women who appeared to never be satisfied with the food or service Minho was offering. By the end of the night, she was their last customer and Minho saw her to the front to pay. His customer service smile, strained and barely holding up, and the woman’s complaints, even while paying, had him wanting to drop all his pleasantries and curse her out as she waltzed out the door.

    “What an absolute fucking pain in the ass of a woman”

Minho hadn’t thought he had said his thoughts aloud, but looked up to catch Seungmin, who had let the words come out in hushed tones as he held a sickening polite smile on his face. After that point the two had bonded over various pain in the ass customers and a mutual love for sarcastic backhanded insults. Minho's relationship with Seungmin was probably the closest thing to a friendship that the older had experienced in a while. 

“No spiked coffee, sadly” 

“Well something’s making your usual sad bitch face smile, so it's gotta be good. Hmm...Meet someone?” Seungmin’s signature puppy eyes were on full display, but not without the signature  mischievous glint they always held. 

“Well wouldn't you like to know Seungmo~ but me and my usually flawlessly beautiful face got to go charm our way into some extra tips.” Minho gave the boy a gentle pat on his head, that was met with a stubborn pout forming at the younger’s lips.

“You definitely met someone, you usually don't have this much self-confidence so early into the evening.” Minho did nothing but giggle at his comment and made his way to the back room to begin his shift. 

------

one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine

[rigelmejo]

Found this tool for “how long to learn a language” and I think its fairly useful? 

https://autolingual.com/study-time-calculator/#hmotivation

Below is just me contemplating how long things took me, will take etc. Feel free to ignore lol.

I just tested it by putting in “absolute beginner” to low intermediate, and how long that would take for mandarin at 2 hours study per day, it gave me 1 year 10 months. That isn’t too far off of how long its taken. I’d say I’m around low intermediate - maybe upper beginner. Certainly what I consider possible at low intermediate for me personally (what I could do in french in reading, when i stopped studying it) is close to where I am now with chinese. So like: convos about basic topics, maybe a little word lookup, reading general gist of everything (and dictionary for specifics if needed), general show watching without subs (miss some details), some audio listening (for me french never got any listening or show stuff so that parts much better in chinese - though my french reading is a bit easier since i can generally get away with no dictionary even if there’s a lot of unknown words just because of word similarity to stuff i can figure out). So anyway the calculator’s estimate of 1 year 10 months is pretty close! It’s been 1 year 8 months since I started studying. It will probably be a few more months when I feel I’m happy with my ‘basic’ reading ability. 

When I put in “very high motivation” it put me at 1 year 7 months to go from absolute beginner to lower intermediate - which is super close to about how fast I progressed. I’d say I’m probably somewhere on this calculator’s estimate between “very high motivation” and “high motivation.” 

For absolute beginner to upper beginner, it put me at 10 months for how long it would take if I had “high motivation.” That also lands pretty close to how long it took me - it took me about 8-12 months to do ‘upper beginner’ stuff as I consider it (texting people in chinese for general convos, browsing weibo, reading stuff i wanted with a dictionary, reading manhua, starting to watch shows without subs and just get the bare minimum gist and look up words for more details). The calculator guessed I would take 9 months from absolute beginner to upper beginner if I had “very high motivation,” which again I suppose is close to where I was at lol. 

This calculator thinks from absolute beginner, to upper intermediate (B2) will take me 2 years 6 months if I have very high motivation, and 3 years if I have high motivation. That makes sense to me. Moderate motivation would be 3 years, 9 months. Low motivation would be 4 years 6 months. This was all at 2 hours a day of study overall. I figured it would take me 4 years roughly to get to where I wanted to be when I started  - although I figured 4 years would be “where I am right now skill wise” so lol. What will upper intermediate even look like? 

5 years, 6 months, if I have very high motivation but only 1 hour study time a day.

I also tried out if I put “have learned a language to fluency” and that lined up better with how long it actually took me to hit each milestone as I felt it? (8 months upper beginner, 1 year 4 months to hit lower intermediate?). And if this is the option I put in, then upper intermediate would be achieved around 2 years 2 months into studying (aka for me that would mean around this coming winter). Also - this would not include listening/speaking skills, for me, because I already know hands down those skills lag for me (they probably would not be whatever level my reading is, instead a bit under it). And writing would depend on how much I worked on it. So I’m mainly aiming for the reading goals timeline. 

What is interesting to me is based on this I probably have been studying roughly 2 hours a day overall? I am fairly sure I study at least 1/2 to 1 hour a day (I read almost every day in chinese if nothing else). Then some days I know I’ll watch some eps of a show (thats 2-4 hours probably), some days I’ll read a lot (2 hours?). So like I figure my days I do a lot add up? And apparently they must, since my progress seems like I’m doing about 2 hours a day according to this caclulator. Or else my study sessions are ‘really’ effective for me and 1 hour i can make as useful as 2, but i doubt it... although it could be likely, its more like ‘since i’m mainly focused on reading THAT is improving at this speed, but if i looked at ‘overall’ then i’d still be an upper beginner who studied maybe 1 hour a day (as in, taking in all skills i’d be upper beginner, but taking in only reading i’m higher). Which could definitely be the case, as i don’t think my listening is past upper beginner, and my writing/speaking is definitely upper beginner At Best (could easily also be worse lol). 

Anyway a point for myself: looks like if i vary study from 1-2 hours a day, its going to take between 9 months to 2 years to hit upper intermediate. Which is the goal - i think after that my reading will be plenty good for what I want to do without a dictionary. So 3-4 years total study time, which is about what i expected... except i expected year 4 was going to feel like what i can do now ToT so anyway. Follow your dreams! Passions! Goals! you know what i mean! ToT I did not think reading with a dictionary could be possible so quickly in chinese! Certainly not within a year, but it did happen by a year! And I’m starting to venture into reading real stuff without a dictionary more, so that’s also doable much earlier than the 4 years I expected!

---

For fun I put the other languages I ‘studied’ a bit of in the calculator. 

The suggested french timeline matched up pretty well to my own progress when I put in: very high motivation (i guess i must have that lol?), some knowledge of different languages, study 1 hour a day. I hit A2 around 6 months in, B1 around 1 year 2 months is what the calculator says (I remember it being around 1 year into studying), B2 around 1 year 10 months the calculator gives.. I think personally around B1 in french I got less motivated, and i know i stopped studying as often... and i think somewhere mid B1-B2 I quit studying and just coasted on what i knew, since it was enough to read what i wanted. So I personally remember, about 2 years into studying french, that’s when I gave up using a dictionary or formally studying at all for the most part (years 1-2 i read a grammar site in french, which helped, and was still occasionally looking up words in french and reading french weekly). So I think at 2 years i didn’t actually hit B2, just a personal point where somewhere mid B1-B2 I felt i no longer had a need of a dictionary, or grammar explanations, for what i wanted to do. I know at some point after year 2 I picked up french again and just worked on listening/pronunciation (to try and drag them up closer to my reading skill) for a couple months. Idk how much it helped, but i know it noticeably improved my accent (which went from Really Bad to Somewhat Bearable, and my listening skills went from ‘can’t understand anything’ to ‘basic words i know i can now recognize fairly easily in listening, and i can now HEAR the real bad spots in my own accent and fix them at least’). So like... I’d personally put my french as somewhere in B1 mostly comfortable, with a lot of room for improvement. With writing at A2 maybe (with grammar mistakes), speaking also around there, listening if I’m lucky also around there. I do like that if i DID want to improve my french skills to all B2, it says 8 months to 1 year (depending on if i’m starting from A2 like my speaking or B1 like my reading), studying 1 hour a day on average. That’s about what I expected - that it would take a while but not too long to push them all up to more useful. 

With japanese, putting it into the calculator? Looks like maybe I only studied 30 minutes a day on average? The calculator estimates upper beginner to take 2 years 3 months, if that’s how much per day I studied. That or 45 minutes a day - 1 year and 10 months. I know in reality, It took me about 2+ years in japanese to get to reading basic manga for main gist, playing games for very basic main gist understanding which I did sometime between 2 years and 2.5 years. I did not get past upper beginner, at BEST, because I know I was still a beginner. So maybe that’s something that held me back? Just how little time I was dedicating to japanese? I know I was splitting time between french, japanese, and sometimes russian. So that could definitely have been it (also abandoning japanese sometimes for weeks at a time - which I did with french too, but french was already like B1 reading which was close to my goals with it so i didn’t need to focus on it as much).  I also wonder how much the last study from year 2-2.5 helped speed things along - its when I noticed the most progress, and I was doing flashcards and immersing a LOT more. So its possible then I was studying closer to 2 hours a day. 

Mmm. From this calculator, I’d guess: my chinese is on track to be able to do what I want by 3-4 years (much better than I expected lol). With a chance of me being able to do it by the end of this year (that would be amazing but lets not get too hopeful). As for speaking/writing, I do expect that to still take 3-4 years (and slower if I stop studying as much). 

my french I can probably drag up the other skills, and maybe even drag reading up to B2, in about a year of work if I wanted. So the other skills I could probably drag up into B1 in several months. Aka around half a year if I wanted to just get them all similar, and probably a year if I wanted french GOOD as good as I’d probably want it for general use without issues (since i still have listening and production issues).

my japanese? i’m going to go ahead and guess 1 year for lower intermediate, 2 years for upper intermediate, IF my chinese gets good at the faster rate. aka if at the end of this year my chinese reading is where i want it, and i can switch from 30-45 minutes a day on japanese to 2 hours because chinese will no longer need to improve as fast. Since currently i’m spending an average of like 2 hours on chinese a day, and i do NOT plan to lower that until my reading and listening are where i’d like them and i can read/listen generally without a dictionary (like french, i’ll probably end up wanting to improve production randomly on an as desired basis so i don’t think that will be as big a priority unless for some reason it becomes one). So japanese will probably at most be getting 1 hour a day while i’m still focused on chinese (and realistically less like 30 minutes on average). But i might be able to give it more after this winter. although also it really depends on wtf i feel like doing? as always. if i do japanese ‘as desired’ who knows how many hours that will end up being. i do think though doing it as i want now will help make that time take less in the long run overall timeline of things. the calculator gives “2 years” to lower intermediate if i only study 45 minutes a day, and 4 years for upper intermediate in japanese if i only study 45 minutes on average a day. Which really isn’t so bad (that’d be like 4-6 years total of time i’ve spent studying it, to get where i’d like in japanese ultimately - 2 more years after the 2 i’ve already done on an optimistic timeline, and 4 more years if i go very slow and keep not being able to prioritize it... and somewhere in between there if i don’t prioritize it but at least find a sweet spot i can do what i want in it like french). 6 years to learn japanese is not surprising... especially considering it took me 2+ years to push into upper beginner “can do a little basic stuff” in the language. So 2 more ish years for each milestone step makes sense unless i get better at studying lol or dedicate more hours into it. 

---

What’s curious to me is how chinese has been taking me about 6 months to hit each milestone (for reading)? 6 to get to beginner, 12ish to get to upper beginner, 18 ish months to lower intermediate (which is april, me rn), so possibly 22 months to upper intermediate - 1 year 10 months maybe? 8 more months of study, potentially. (Again this is for reading skills only). 

I just... when I started I definitely did not thing progress could be made at this speed for chinese? But to be very fair... i spent less time on french, and i think that’s a big reason it took longer to hit milesones than it could have - and why ultimately french and chinese are much closer in terms of ‘how long it took me to make progress’ than japanese to either. Because french simply takes less study time, and chinese i just studied so much MORE per day than i did with japanese. I definitely think if nothing else that ADVICE to immerse often helped me so much. While its not as quality study time as when I go through tone drills, memorized 2000 words, read grammar, listening to my audio ‘flashcard’ files, or practice shadowing - it really MAKES me ‘study’ chinese regularly in a way i did not with french or japanese. Even though there’s less active study being done, i’m engaging with chinese every day because of it. Practicing every day, and practicing often. With french i practiced daily for maybe 1/2 hour to an hour, then for that long per week, and my active study i either did for a month or didn’t do at all - so less study time in general. In japanee i REALLY did less study time per day, since i didn’t even try to read/watch/listen to japanese - it was active study or nothing. Simply the advice to immerse... while yes it helps you with skills, like learning to comprehend what you’ve studied, more than that it simply keeps me ‘trying to learn’ on a more frequent basis.

Part of the reason I think year 2-2.5 of japanese i made the most progress i saw the fastest? I was trying to read manga every week, trying to play a game every couple weeks, listening to audio in the background every few days (audio flashcards), trying to do srs flashcards every few days. The last 2 activities were active study increases (though only 30-45 minutes a day overall so no more than usual). but the manga days - that would be a full extra 1-2 hours a day! The video game days, 2-4 extra hours that day! and those added up i think! and resulted in me seeing much faster progress than in the whole 0-2 first years combined. if only i’d been trying to do those things sooner, it could’ve been adding up sooner.

whenever i look back on my french, the period that helped most was month 3 to the year 1 mark - i was reading every few days. Yes, I also studied common words, took a beginner class and did my homework. But the reading regularly was time spent using french ADDING UP. It added up to a lot of extra time IN french, and i think that’s why about a year in i felt pretty comfy texting on basic topics, reading things i wanted to with a dictionary with ease. Then the year after, i did more intensive study, but with months in between where i did NOTHING in french - so i think i got to B1 with reading, or somewhere a bit past it, because i read french every few months for bursts (whenever i felt like it but not regularly). And instead of progress every few months, it took about another year to go ‘ok no more dictionary needed.’ If i’d still been engaging with french more days a week, i think it would’ve added up faster.

And when i started chinese, the big reason i TRIED ‘do a little something’ weekly in chinese is because i remembered in french i used to try, and that helped me so much at the beginning. and it DID help me so much at the beginning with chinese! it was a solid idea!

and, as much as i have some issues with aspects of massive immersion approach (now Refold), mainly just that i don’t do it all the same lol. i DO think i am SO happy i found it if ONLY for the advice it gave “immerse as much as possible, as little as you comprehend, start NOW.” That was good fucking advice. And it helped me not be such a chicken - i know i was scared, back when learning japanese, TO immerse at all because i thought i needed the basics understood before i even tried. With chinese - although i was trying reading (and it was honestly helping), i only tried once a month. And i was way too scared to try shows without english subs, or AUDIO. 

Reading the mia advice, i went fuck it, and tried. it helped SO much. Literally, watching shows in chinese first to build up the endurance to SIT through a whole episode, then to watch multiple episodes in months 4-8, helped SO much. and i was way too scared to try until i’d read someone else tried and it helped. also people who did mia suggested audiobooks and dramas - again i was way too cowardly, thinking i’d know too little to manage it. And YET, once i started doing it more i noticed a lot of improvement! I know right now, i can watch shows and be comfortable because i made myself try it back then and keep trying. i know i was able to push into reading with a dictionary at month 6-8 because from month 3 i was trying and kept trying. i know i can listen to some audio dramas FOR FUN and even pick up some stuff, because i tried to listen to audiobooks of chapters i’d read in english and practiced parsing sound. (also Listening Reading helped a ton i can’t say that enough - it helps so much with listening skills). Trying to watch shows without ANY subs including chinese, also helped. And it really was the advice “try doing it all, and doing it often, it will help” that helped me improve. I cannot get myself to do formal study every day - and if i can, some days i can only do 15 minutes to 1 hour (and occasionally longer). but i CAN make myself do SOMETHING in chinese every day. And me being so lazy? It is in fact EASY for me to make myself do something in chinese if it doesn’t have to be study - reading a book? I’ll try. If i have it open in pleco, i’ll try and click words i don’t know. If its audio - yeah i’ll try listening while i walk or work. if its a show i wanna watch, yeah i’ll try watching even though there’s no english subs. if i see a manhua i like, yeah i’ll try to read it. if im on weibo, yeah i’ll browse. it is such a compatible way for me to DO more stuff in chinese, which helps me improve even if its not always as effective as study-time sessions. its always better than doing nothing, and wow does it make a difference how often i ‘study chinese’ if these moments of immersion count. 

and i’ve been noticing already, how it helps in japanese too, now that i’m freaking applying the concept of “don’t be a chicken” lol. I’ve watched lets plays the past few months in japanese (yeah only 20 minutes at a time, but it will add up as i’ve learned from french and chinese). I tried playing games for 2 hours (brutal, but manageable, and who knows how much i learned in that time!). I watched a 2 hour play with no subtitles of any kind (again who knows how much i learned trying that!). I even tried reading a bit of japanese - a few 15 minute sessions probably. Again, this is all not a lot, but its like french - its MORE than just my dedicated japanese study time where i do flashcards or read my grammar books. its extra time spent, and i know it adds up. i am Already seeing it add up to making games even bearable to do (which took 2+ years last time!), to making WATCHING something with only japanese audio bearable to do (extremely hard, but bearable if i know the plot, which is a fucking FEAT i did not imagine i’d be able to do). it is adding up to making trying reading bearable to do with a dictionary. It is all these things that took 2 years to become bearable last time, made doable much sooner (if only to tolerate for now, but eventually to improve). the hours spent just trying to do things in the language DO add up. 

so anyway advice for my future self is just: DO it. do stuff in the language now. i know you want to be prepared, but just start trying now and with anything you’re interested in even if you think its ‘too hard.’ it WILL add up and help you. 

[macgyvertape]

50 or so hours into Cyberpunk 2077

This should be roughly the correct amount of time, ive been leaving the game running as I get up to get food or do stretches. Quests are roughly in order I did them

non spoilers above cut:

 i haven't found a single hat/helmet i like, and since you can't hide them I just am not wearing any. It matters that much.

I posted the other day about bugs, every few hours I play I find new bugs. some require me to go back and reload a save others I honestly can’t tell if it’s a bug or just really poor development

there are several perks that don’t quite do what the description says, like the Anamesis perk. Based on reddit and trying it out it seems to just not do anything.

sometimes in car chase segments the passenger will say “look out” as cars spawn in my path and hit me. Can’t tell if that was deliberate or a pop in issue

Yeah I’ve just totally given up on doing pacifist things unless required by a mission. Given up on doing stealth too unless a mission objective, except for sneaking around to set up a fight.

:readmore:

the delemain car quest is fun. From the shock of the one going "beep beep motherfucker" and doing a hit and run to start it off, to the GLADOS car i see a lot of people talking about. It was fun to explore the city when i might have missed places like the landfill apparently there is follow up on T-bug's death if you go back to the quick hack shop in Kabuki. It's not much but better than nothing I made the pass with Panam of "what if the room just had one bed". I know she won't do a wlw romance, which is fine since I wouldn’t have chosen her.  I enjoy her as a character, don’t get me wrong, my V considers her as a friend, but it seems like theres always drama going on which would be tiring. I would have gone for a fling, i like her leotard-pants combo with all the straps

but also her questline was buggy as hell. Multiple cases of having to reload due to clipping into objects, including her in a driving section, or just insta-dying when collision physics with some rocks broke "your neural network can no longer function independantly of the chip" me slapping my desk: s y m b i o te!!! come on lets have some s y m b i o s i s

in the scene with hellman i really liked how Johnny moved around the room. It made him feel like he was really there. it was hard to follow the convo as I left the room, i would not have understood it without subtitles. But i guess Takemura fucking waterboarded hellman. :|

lol I hope the dialogue is different b/c i refuse to smoke for Johnny

i am level 18 and still can't beat the first opponents in the fist fighting quest. ffs

I looked up the romances options so I went to do the I fought the law quest as soon as i got it. ACAB, but like I literally just met River Ward 2 minutes ago, and I really like him. His earring and cyborg eye, his big fluffy coat. I'm definitely gonna sleep with him Ok i like how when River Ward is dealing with the tiger claws if you interject it leads to a fight. It goes better if you follow his instructions and let him deal with it. Seriously I enjoy that sometimes its good to not pick a dialogue choice.

during the red queen club part, there was no dialogue over the phone. So i reloaded a save and got myself spotted and attacked. Then River showed up to help me <3 and it was more enjoyable having him there. I honestly am not sure if him not going to the club level is bug or not.

then uuuuuugh the worst of irl police "cops are my family" from Detective Han. Again ACAB "FRATERNITY OF CITY COPS RESEMBLES A [Nomad] CLAN NOT AT ALL" ok a few minutes ago i was complaining about bugs, but the character modeling in this game is good (when they're there). You can see body posture, characters jiggle their legs when they are nervous. Like I though character A was just throwing a cigarette on the ground, but then character B flinches back; I realize Char A threw it at B as a fuck you

I'm honestly curious if "I fought the Law" quest will have any impact later on. My choices were that I thought there was more going on than Holt being the only person behind this (based on how complicated the main questline heist is, and keeping an eye on some of the in game news), and told him not to take it to internal affairs, and I loved his response of how he doesn't give a shit what we think, he's doing it anyway.

In the elevator to report in, Johnny said "this muck is deeper than you think, tell them nothing", so i just said that the case was complicated. anyway i love how much of a sarcastic asshole V is

I thought i was being nonlethal with the monk quest, but it seems i accidently killed someone. RIP, but thats kind of the problem with this game. Like when i do the non lethal cyberpychosis quests I equip my non lethal modded gun and hope for the est. I like how a go here kill things quest led to Charles the ripperdoc. He's getting all his parts from scav gang members so I felt obligated to take him out. I got a police bounty for it but w/e.

I merged the Delemain fragments with the whole. Guess he's the meta now. (Side note: some of my favorite rvb fanfic plots are Ai consiousness/memory merging with the humans, so I’m having fun with this game and look foward to introspective fanfic)

Honestly Jonny made some good points, the fragments didn't deserve to die; but also destroying the core and freeing the fragments, they couldn't really function alone.

I was able to rescue Saul fine with stealth. Using cameras and the synapse overload really made it easy.  Can't use the sniper rifle reward b/c I don't have the stats for it, and while it has a silencer the fact that it's a ricochette weapon and not a shoot through walls weapons, makes it not as good imo; and theres a legendary one that is stats free for only 100k.

Lol made a pass again at Panam, and she immediately shut me down. I then did Mitch's quest and I love every time someone tells V they area  good person.

I hacked the operation carpe noctem shard, and wow the corporations are using ai to make people have cyberpsychosis, or something like that. What a shocker /s, I've played Deus Ex HR before

lol driving through the unifinished interstate, past the fight from Panam's first quest I found a "batcave" with a very nice car, and a manifesto written by "muckman'. But here's my complaint about the loot, there is a legendary top, but it had 16 armor. My current top has 84 armor, like why would i switch?? then later i found a bunker with soviet spies in it. Wild

Doing River's second quest, love the timing of as soon as you ask, why are we breaking in, someone shows up to tell you he got kicked off the force. It's funny how Johnny comments how maybe River's into you, and V just doubts Johnny's words. Love how the first kid asks River if I'm his girlfriend. also wow like oof both the second parts of Judy and River's quest are SUPER fucked UP!! oof like i stopped doing first person mode on the braindances for those quests as soon as i could, just made me too uncomfortable seeing that in first person.

DRIVING IN THE GAME IS BAD! nowhere is it more apparent than the sinnerman quest, which took me 3 times to get the driving section done, as cars spawned out of nowhere to hit me. Then when you restart, there is a bunch of dialogue it doesn't let you fast forward through. The rest of the Sinnerman questline is interesting. My V took every option to tell the dude that he was messed up, and what he was doing was wrong. idk, I was surprised how much dialogue there was that let you buy into his whole "forgiveness thing" and how there wasn't any real dialogue to call him the fuck out, that in seeking forgiveness he continues to do harm both emotional to the mother of the man he killed, but also that he got the husband killed via cop. The later follow up quest, I told him that what he is doing is crazy, studio is just going to profit off this vid. Then I refused to join him prayer, and told him fuck no i wasn't going to hammer him to the cross, or even watch. Yes, the man is scared of dying, and the corporation is exploiting him, but he keeps creating burdens for others.  I think the discussion on this quest will be interesting to read, it's definitely my own personal experience with religion coloring my view. Anyway back to a main quest, yeah i don't trust Placide, especially in that scene where he grabs my hand, then jacks in. I ran off to do most of the sidequests here and got some criticism from him. I do love how in the cinema the western movie switches to a mission brief as the netwatch agent talks. its a fun enviromental detail.  I took the netwatch offer, i don't think he's being fully honest with me, but he didn't put a virus in my head. As I told Placide later, I didn't pick a side. I like how you can then talk with the agent, who is a fan of Western movies, b/c they show "a simpler time where all good guys carry badges" :eyeroll:, and then V recommends Unforgiven, which from the wiki summary goes against that theme.

Looks like the Voodoo boys all got killed by Netwatch, but I as revenge for them trying to set me up I'm fine with it. Honestly after speaking with ai!Alt I don’t believe their plan of trying to be on good relations with AI would work. 

doing the johnny flashback 2, and wow Johnny really is an asshole. Like I had gotten so used to him in side missions I forgot how self centered and unlikable he was.You constantly get prompts to drink or do drugs, which I ignored. But i do love the goth/punk love Rogue and others have.

lol i called it, when Hellman said that the engram would seek to override the host, put V on the engram. I really like how as the relic malfunctions, you wind up in the chair with a cigarette, which you can either smoke and say you are turning into Johnny or throw away. My dialogue "your problem is the ends justify the means", which is true!!! He and Rogue detonated a nuke downtown, does anyone know that, and like ask Rogue about it????

(Funny you can ask Rouge about Johnny silverhand, over the phone, then the game bugs out and spawns her npc where you are. She doens't say much about the nuke, but she does say no one trusts you for jobs). The line of no one trusting you for jobs is pretty funny at level 46 street cred where im at “respected” status. really loving the family atmosphere at River's 3rd quest. Also his big strong arms, and the fact he is no longer a cop. I totally let the kids win, and wow the family dinner where they GRILL YOU over the relationship and try to set the two of you up, then the water tower scene!!!!! I don't love the first person sex cutscenes but they do have personality. I'm glad afterwards you got to tell River about the biochip and that you might die. Because he's so far removed from your personal plot. So I took that option to back out of a relationship.

I do love that you wake up with "river's tanktop" that says "fuck the police" It actually has extremely good armor stats, so thats what I'll wear now.

panam 3rd quest, when shes like why did you help me, I'm like "because it's important to you". Basically the closest you can get to "when a friend asks for help you help them", which as an ex-nomad backstory I really choose the nomad options when ever i can Paralezes quest part 2! I love the piano song but I always think of it as ocean's 11 music. It's also fun to see the computer and see Judy recommended you for the first quest. The emails talk about "forgetting" to hire a staffer, on the balocony a strange antennia was scannable, the color of the roses was remembered wrong...  lol guess i was right with those giant wall screens. Its fun environmental details that spell things out before you can notice, and it ties into some other quests where people's behavior is being altered. Actually, this quest "Dream On" I love it! For a while I've been like "wheres the illuminati conspiracy! Here it IS! I chose to follow Elisabeth's wishes and not tell her husband he was being brainwashed. In best case they program him to forget again, in worst case he ends up dead. The gaslighting Elisabeth described is CHILLING, her husband describes a vacation she can't remember and she doesn't know whose memories have been messed with. On your way to the plaza you get a call from someone/something that says the know exactly WHAT you are, any you black out!!! It's such a great feeling of helplessness that you're just one person in a world so big that you can't fight every power. As Johnny said, could be a corporation, could be a rogue ai, either way Jefferson is fucked (and so are you).

[ditto]

wi rehab week 4 & 5 review

current status on raccoons: infatuated

raccoon count: still around 150ish, but probably only 40-ish being bottle fed. everyone’s on bowls and it’s GREAT

number of monster energy drinks consumed: 3

number of baby buns directly killed: 0 cuz i havent done buns in 3 weeks

number of times diarrhead on: just once but Oh Boy

new tasks performed: nothing i can remember rn tbh

notes and observations:

if anyone is wondering what it’s like to come home from work and get a missed call and a text from your coworker that’s like “hey so you did this cage this morning with 3 raccoons and there are only 2 there now. Bitch What The Fuck” it’s not great let me tell you

(i accidentally put it in the cage next to it and i am literally the luckiest fucking person in the world that the group i put it in with were healthy and relatively the same size because fuckkkkkkkkkk)

this is SO gross but to make a long fuckin story short a minimal but still significant amount of baby raccoon diarrhea got in my hair and like. i’m never going to question whether i like. “love” animals enough to be a vet again bc a fucking raccoon pooped in my hair and i did not quit on the spot

i now understand why rabbits have so many damn ass babies and it’s because they are the most fragile lil creatures on the planet. a construction guy was jackhammering nearby for maybe two days and we probably lost 1/3rd to half of our ~75ish baby buns just from the stress of the noise. nature’s really just playin the numbers game with em

baby opossums perfectly occupy that niche of “would kill you if given the chance but too small to do any real damage” and i utterly adore them 

the two saddest types of animal deaths for me, tbh, are 1) ones which are explicitly in bad shape because of us rehabbers making a mistake, and 2) the ones which go from being perfectly healthy to being perfectly dead with absolutely no explanation. it’s just rough

just in general, animals are really fucking weird re: dying. i’ve been expecting this one really rough-lookin opossum who got separated from his litter-mates because they were, uh, not being nice to him, and he’s gone from barely not being able to stand to slowly moving around! meanwhile one of the racs we have went from acting the like an above-average raccoon level of hyper to randomly dying in the span of 24 hours. it’s just weird

my coworkers diagnosed me as ben wyatt in a what parks and rec character r u convo and i’ve been scalped for days 

obligatory pics:

THE FOX KITS HAVE A FULL ENCLOSURE NOW AND THEY ARE SSSSSSOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEE i will take them home with me i am legally allowed to have wild animals in my home per my contract i will do it

this is a REAL bad photo but the fucking coyote we have likes to stand like this on its kennel and it’s SO funny. exact same energy as the “he likes to feel tall” dog

not a rehabbed animal but this little mans hung out with us for a while a few weeks ago! ive actually never seen a lunar moth irl before so this was neat :D

[chrisevansbabymama]

Daddy Hair Care - Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Chapter 3 - Stop Trying To Make Fetch Happen:

“Your hair looks cute like that,” Chris commented, taking note of yet another new hairstyle Kayla wore.

She and his stylist, Lauren walked into his suite with their kits in tow, ready for his glam session for his final appearance for the day; a magazine press event that his publicist had urged him to attend to crystalise his relationship with the publication.

“I sense a little shade in there, because why are you only just noticing?” Kayla retorted. “Was that a backhanded compliment, Evans?”

“I meant,” Chris paused to rectify his carelessly worded statement, even though he genuinely meant the compliment. “I haven’t seen you with braids before, so I’m appreciating that your hair also looks cute like that. Emphasis on the also,”

“Okay, I’ll take it, only because you’re sweating,” because teasing him was Kayla’s love language.

“And why would I be sweating? You don’t make me nervous -”

“You don’t need to explain yourself to me,” Kayla cut him off and smiled at him from across the room.

“Are you going to be annoying again this evening?” he pretended not to like their little quips.

This was just a continuation from earlier when they had glammed him for his Jimmy Fallon interview, where the two went back and forth in their best bid to verbally outdo each other, as usual.

“Hi to you too Chris,” Lauren finally inserted herself, smiling at him knowingly as she brushed past him.

“What?” Chris eyed her, playing dumb.

Ten years of working together they had become best friends and they could literally communicate with just their eyes. This was working to Lauren’s advantage as she often found pleasure in tormenting him about his teen-like crush on Kayla. He would dismiss it with an eye roll, but his body language would always sell him out.

“You know what,” she mumbled but the knowing smile was still plastered on her face solely designed to haunt him.

“Whatever,” he grumbled. “Think I could shower real quick before we start? I’m covered in gunk from the Fallon interview,”

“Sure, we have an hour before you have to be out of the door,” Lauren nodded, the clock reading 5:37pm.

“You know, I’m getting tired of you two acting like I’m not around when you flirt,” Lauren said the minute she heard the shower faucet run after Chris had left the room.

Kayla barely looked up as she unzipped her grooming kit bag, setting up near her usual spot by the window for optimal lighting.

“Here we go again with this tired topic,”

“Exactly, guess who’s tired of watching you two flirt and do nothing about it,” Lauren asked rhetorically before imitating Chris, “Your hair looks cute like that,”

Kayla chuckled, not convinced but found her hand subconsciously going to touch her new braids, “He’s mocking me, he saw me earlier before Fallon and didn’t say anything,”

“In his defense, there were a lot of people around for him to say anything, that’d been weird,”

Kayla had been working with Chris as his hairstylist and make-up artist for almost four months now. She had fit into the team so seamlessly, with all credits due to Chris for being so welcoming and warm. But therein lay the problems: he was over-achingly good looking, and by far the best celebrity client she had worked with. So much so that the four months she’d known him breezed by and she seemed to fall for his charm every day. Every morning she woke up, she felt like a teenager excited to go to school because she got to sit next to her crush in class. Except with Chris, she got to play in his hair and get extremely close to his face. And touch him. Getting paid for it was seeming more like a perk.

Everyone around them seemed to notice how well they got along. With Lauren being around them the most, she recognised their chemistry instantly and was the first one to call them out on it. Despite being met with their discomfort and denial, she didn’t let it stop her from continuing her torment. If they were going to flirt and act like she didn’t exist, then she too could have her own fun with them.

“This whole convo is so weird, let it rest,” Kayla complained.

“You like him, he likes you. What’s weird?”

“Sure he likes me, I’m clearly his type,” Kayla rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Seriously, don’t you get bored of this subject?”

“You are his type,” Lauren affirmed with a ‘duh’ tone.

“Okay Lauren, if you say so.”

“Lest you forget his daughter Mya is-”

“Mixed race? So suddenly he likes all black women?” Kayla laughed.

“No, I’m disproving your theory that he doesn’t date black women. Besides, you, have entertained this conversation hence you do care and which means you do like him,”

Kayla pursed her lips before stuttering, “I...look, he’s hot, granted and a nice guy, but that’s about it. Celebs are not my type, too much drama and baggage,”

“That’s a sweeping statement,” Lauren was clearly in defense of Chris.

“Why’d you keep pushing for this anyway? What’s in it for you?”

“He hadn’t been himself for a while, his old self has resurfaced since you started working with him. It’s just…nice y’know? To have the real Chris back,” Lauren said solemnly. “I just want him to be happy,”

“I love my job and would never cross that line with Chris, besides, he’s a good friend,” Kayla said, barely believing herself.

She also didn’t believe Lauren, the last time something of this sort happened, was in high school with the popular kid and that didn’t end well.

So why would it be different with Chris? He was practically the popular guy from the moment the final Avengers: Infinity War trailer was released; the man had been trending on Twitter for almost a week.

After a few minutes, he reemerged from his room from his shower, looking handsome and cuddly as ever, just wrapped in his hotel robe. He sat in the chair by the window, enjoying the view of the city as Kayla began her magic on him, her back to the mirror next to the floor-to-ceiling window he faced.

“How long are you planning to grow this?” Kayla asked.

She raked her fingers through his hair, distributing the product from root to ends. Chris always loved it when she did that. He’d melt into her touch, his eyes fluttering shut as his body relaxed. Maybe Sebastian was right, again; it’d been too long since he’d been with a woman. How could someone simply touching his hair make him lose his mind?

Kayla loved the way his hair felt in her hands; silky and soft. Even better, she liked how vulnerable he always seemed in her chair, which was such a contrast to his towering height, ragged beard and sculpted frame.

He looked vulnerable in her chair because his mind was busy, always wondering what it would feel like to kiss her and have her hands play in his hair. Or tug at it.

It didn’t help that the woman worked in such a close proximity to his face. She permeated every one of his senses…

Her confidence in her own skin was attractive; she had this way about her… a beauty that was very easy on the eyes.

Her soothing voice and hearty, belly laugh was contagious.

Her touch was confident and comforting. It felt like home.

Her sweet but punchy bergamot and neroli scent reminded him of heady summer nights.

Her taste… he always wondered.

“I’m actually supposed to cut it soon for Lobby Hero,” he said sadly. He fished his phone out of his robe pocket and showed her the character mood board for the play. “They gave me this buddy here for reference,”

“Oh,” Lauren walked over and glanced over his shoulder at his phone screen.

Kayla looked up at him from the screen, then back at the phone and him again, as if trying to envision the look on him.  

“Uhmm the moustache...too?”

Chris nodded, pouting as he whined, “I don’t wike it,”

“Oh...” Lauren repeated, stifling a laugh by biting her bottom lip.

“Can you believe it? A pornstache,” he cried.

“Wow, the next few months are going to be rough for you,” Kayla finally commented.

“What, without my hair I’m nothing? Is that what you’re saying?”

No, I just won’t have anything to imagine tugging on...she thought.

“Not what I said, you just said that yourself,” Kayla corrected him. “I’m just saying, the world went nuts over your bearded look in the Infinity War trailer just last week...this look’s gonna be a big middle finger to everyone that supported you,”

“You’re so charming, y’know that?” he said rolling his eyes. “I can say bye to my career, because clearly my hair’s kept me going all these years,”

“You could always try porn? With that beard and all,” Lauren said, back to her station by the rail.

“Maybe you can write my character reference,” Chris shot back.

“Oh, I’m so glad it’s Friday, one more day with you I swear I’ll strangle you,” Laura huffed.

“So it’s BDSM you’re into?” Chris asked.

“Chris!”

“We’re all adults here,” he shrugged.

“You’re lot,”

“I am, you can regroup over the weekend,” He sighed, but he looked smug like he was proud of himself. “Doing anything nice other than getting away from me?”

“My weekend starts tonight, shower, room service, a huge bottle of wine and bed. Then lather, rinse and repeat. I’m staying in bed all weekend,”

“Sounds like a dream,” Kayla moaned. “Can I join you?”

“For which bit; the shower, wine or bed all weekend?” Lauren asked, her sole purpose to get a reaction out of Chris.

And it worked, his breath stilled at the visuals that flooded him, but he quickly composed himself before he breathed an easy laugh to let Lauren know he was unaffected by her antics.

“Girl, no! For the wine and room service,” Kayla scrunched up her face at her. “I’m hungry,”

“What a shame, my bed will be very lonely tonight,”

“Take me out to dinner and I might just come back to your room,” Kayla teased.

“Well, why don’t we all get something to eat tonight, Chris, think you can make it?”

“I doubt it, I finish around 9:30ish. I can’t make you guys wait that long to eat,” Chris said sadly.

The idea of going out seemed very tempting, after his conversation with his mom yesterday he realised he needed to start making a few changes, starting with his social life. Kayla being in attendance was a bonus, if not the main incentive.

“We’ll survive,” Lauren interjected quickly, not wanting to give him a window to bail out because he always bailed.

Chris decided that if he was going to spend the next two hours at a press event, fake smiling the night away at cameras and fellow industry personnel, then he surely deserved a nice private dinner with his team to unwind without having to be ‘Chris Evans,’ the famous guy. He wanted to push the envelope even further and have a drink or two, or even eat from the list of barred food for his Cap diet. Just to prove a point.  

“That works for me. I’ll let Tiffany and Keith know,” Lauren said, considering his assistant and publicist who completed ‘Team Chris Evans’. “Kay, You in?”

Chris surprised himself when he didn’t immediately worry about going back to Mya and Dodger when Lauren extended the dinner invitation. He was going to take his mom and Seb’s advice to put himself out there.

It was about time, he wasn’t getting any younger.

But he wasn’t surprised when he’d found himself holding his breath, waiting for Kayla to respond, because frankly, he knew deep down that her reply was going to make or break the deal. Of course he loved Lauren and she was great company, but she wasn’t Kayla.

“Of course I’m in,”

*

Chapter 4.1

____________

Disclaimer: Gif Not My Own

Tagged As Requested:  @mississippifangirl​ @thinemineours @tessathedragon @thottio​ @caninoona @eratotalles @allonszassbutt @thinemineours @dreamingwithmendes @void-imaginations​ @daybreak96​ @l-auteuse​ @cliffordasparagus @bumber-car-s @lvlyab @melaninmarvel

[swirlyrobe]

Jul 28, 2015

Details

after that i ended up in a special ed school and thats when i started listening to rap with dipset and stealing yugioh cards for money and robitussin to get high. when i was 16 i only had a couple good friends and everybody else just avoided me caus they were scared i was going to fight them and one of them steve (who’s 3 years younger than me) had me meet his (at the time) ex gf one day and i ended up getting my thing sucked>.> yea for the first time and then we planned to lose our virginity the next week. she brought her friend and we had a threesome tho my drugs caught up with me because i was on probation for beating somebody up on the bus and i kept getting dirty urines for weed so i went to rehab a couple weeks after

i never really had gfs in highschool other than that, there was only 5 girls in my special ed school, i was friends with most of them but they used me for drugs. i went to community college right after highschool and made friends rapping tho immediately got involved in a small crime ring of stealing video games from stores, selling them to gamestop to make a couple hundred daily as well as smoking a lot more weed (while still on probation for another assault) that didnt catch up with me yet tho when i was 19 this girl sabrina added me on facebook and i really liked her, ended up meeting her at the mall it was a really sweet date(we had fun getting physical😄) she wasn’t like everybody else because she didnt try to be normal. i had court coming up though i ended up smoking pcp for the first time and had a psychotic break where i thought this girl was her (who wasnt) and got arrested for unlawful restraint (i thought she was bugging out and i didnt want to leave until i knew what was wrong). i went to jail and got released to rehab again.

when i got out of rehab i went to outpatient rehab (i was 20 now) and met a woman heather who was 33. we dated and she bought a ring for me 3 months after to propose which i accepted because i was desperate and i thought i loved her though she asked if i was attracted to her and i honestly said only her face and not her body so she broke up with me. after that i started smoking again until i started talking to this girl Haley who lived the city over from me, she said she wanted a brother yet i really started liking her when we talked. this is when i really started realizing i liked younger girls and she ended up admitting she had a bf months after and lied to both of us. (i made a lot of songs about her😔😪){&2020 update about haley: we moved on with our lives and had never met though I talked to her a little on Facebook this year and, thankfully I wasn't as enamored and clingy😪}

there's a couple dozen other girls i dated/talked to between that and then there was bella who heard my music on an old social site called PHEED and i thought she was beautiful so i told her that and we talked. she lived in texas but we had intense convos she was really smart, beautiful, funny and we swore we would be together though i had to go to rehab again(this time inpatient in New London where, I lived in a sober house & got a job after) because i violated probation yet i wanted to test if she’d stay with me so i didnt tell her i went. about 4 months later when i was getting out of rehab i talked to her again and she acted like everything was alright and she had moved to NY as well as gotten a license and really had her life together. she said she loved me and was gonna drive to see me in new london so, I waited an hour for her to come until I talked to her and she said because I "played" her she was playing me so, not coming 😢😞(this was in 2014)

So in 2015 I was clean about a year so, I applied & got accepted for McNally Smith college of music (to major in audio production) in st Paul Minnesota where I Was clean for months until (for some reason I forgot but, probably running around fast) I got kicked out of my weightlifting gym out there so I was upset and, found some people @ a park near downtown st Paul smoking weed which I got in on and, ten weeks later I saw someone with dreads buying a dutch in a bodega so, I asked if he knew where to get weed and: It turned out he was a dealer so I ended up buying lot's of weed and trading for studio time for him to record but, I got caught smoking sometimes in my dorm & because I got in arguments with students and staff at college so, they warned me if I got in ANY fight in or, outside of school I would be expelled & I DID get expelled; probably because of the fight where I sent that guy who hit my head with a brick to the hospital (which drew a LOT of attention and PROBABLY was on the news)

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

So I moved back with my grandma later in 2015 where I was until she kicked me out for smoking weed and k2 so, I was homeless In which I slept under a blanket near the library and, behind a church in hamden until, the church let me live in their garage when it became winter so I stayed there until early 2016 where, I moved to a spot in Hamden off the bike trail in the woods where I started with a one person tent until I stole a 8 person tent from Walmart and, uused a shopping cart to carry a bed my friend gave away down the bike trail to my spot and late I stole a propane heater plus propane powered stove so I stole an empty propane can outside of krauzers and I kept paying $20 to get it filled at The car wash up the street so I used it to cook ramen and, oatmeal on my stove and power my heater in the winter and I finally got clean in August 2016 while STILL homeless then completed a course to get into CTWORKS which helped me get nice used suits and an interview g for the job I got at Chipotle in December 2016 while, still homeless 😪 I told them I still lived at my grandmas and took showers at my friend's house until I got a la fitness membership with my first paycheck which was actually through the woods near my tent so, I took showers there EVERY morning & worked out there in addition to, at my tent where I still had a barbell set from my grandmas and, then in the spring of 2017 I applied to and, got a landscaping job I saw on the ctworks job search online so I woke up at 5am EVERY morning with a battery powered alarm clock I stole from Walmart and, caught the first Whitney bus that went downtown at 5:30 and, then I took the next train around 5:45 to go to milford where, the landscaping base is so I ran there when I got to Milford around 6am to get there on time by 6:30-45

So I worked there while I was still homeless and, I got approved for shelter plus Care which some people That lived in the woods near me told me about and, I got my apartment with 2 jobs off the post road behind dunkin donuts in West Haven so, I took The bus up the post road to get to BOTH jobs until, I saw a moped for sale from east haven on Craigslist for$200 in mid spring of 2017 which, I rode to my jobs on until, I got a drivers permit (coincidentally on the day I heard my grandma was dying so, I Went to her house and Watched her die 😥

Then I took drivers ed classes;

Then I started getting driving lessons in late spring 2017 until I learned to drive in a couple months so, I took the drivers test in summer 2017 and, then took motorcycle classes at north haven gateway (where I ran into my dr's receptionist Alexandra ai had a crush on (who I even had written and recorded a song about) then, my mom helped me get my 250 ninja from new Haven power sports so: I drove that to my jobs until my crash on August 6th 2019 which, I don't remember but, I woke up at the residential physical rehab hospital Gaylord where : I leave weekly what happened was I hit an suv on mg way to work, had a right brain stroke & broken pelvic also my left side was paralyzed and got contractures (where my left arm, fingers and left got really curled up and difficult to straighten so I'm still working on walking again 😥

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

So now I am living at my aunts waiting to get another apartment through my insurance agency while, I still get votox every 2 months unrtil I hopefully gain control and use of my left side😪 &, the ability to walk again...

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼

[prorevenge]

2 birds....one stone.

Alright....this is my first post on /prorevenge, hell on reddit period. This is quite a bit long...so just bare with me.

EX: ex husband EM: ex’s mother me: naturally it’s me. MM: my mother SD: step dad MS: my little sister

About 9-10 ago (I was 17, turning 18 in 2 months) I met a young man (22 years old) a former US Marine. Good looking guy, smart, and funny. We talked for awhile before we went on an actual date. The date’s were always wonderful. In May 2010, I met his 3 year old daughter on her birthday. She was wonderful. I also met EM on that day as well. Not so wonderful. A b***h to be exact. But whatever, ya know. Early in our relationship we get engaged, young & dumb me was ecstatic. I’m still in high school at the time, 11th grade to be exact. Because of medical conditions (Epilepsy) I was held back in 9th grade. I write down literally everything, because my memory is absolutely horrid. So I had to find that notebook to make sure I had details correct. Anyways......at 17, early 18 I was this skinny little thing 5’2” 120-130lbs and very much “gifted”.

We get engaged & I move out of MM & SD’s house. I move to a city about an hour away. Transfer schools to a high school that was huge. I’ve always gone to small town schools. I was terrified. Right after I turned 18, I was put on a seizure med that made me gain 80lbs in a month. I had never been this big & went into a very deep depression. For an entire year I refused to take pictures with people, didn’t dress nice (I stuck with basketball shorts/sweats & t-shirts). We get an apartment soon after I move to the city. I have a job at the local home store & he has a job at a restaurant.

7 months later we get married. People were congratulating MM on becoming a grandparent.......I have never been pregnant, that’s how big I had become. I graduate high school & start working full time. EH has started working 20+ hours overtime at just a little fast food place (which obviously should have been a red flag for me at the time....but wasn’t.) After we were married, EH had informed me that he was dishonorably discharged from the military....that he never even made it out of boot camp. Because a guy pissed him off & he hung the guy out of a barracks window by his feet but ultimately pulled him back in. So then I realize that not only is this man violent, but manipulative as well. I had already got this man’s initials tattooed on my wrist (yes, I know, stupid as hell.) EH starts showing up at home with more & more money. We furnished the apartment with a new 55” TV. New furniture. Game consoles. EM starts treating me like shit, like I had done something wrong. Accusing me of being a gold digger & taking advantage of her sweet, sweet son....then started messaging MM & posting on Facebook that I was a lesbian and cheating on EH.

EH showed up one evening after work, a little nervous. He had gotten a call to show up at a meeting with his boss the next morning. He drops me off at my job that next morning (which is right across the parking lot from his), and then goes to his meeting. A few moments later I see a cop car show up & leave a few minutes later. Who happened to be in the back? You got it, EH. I found out that not only had embezzled over $3000. I moved home with MM & SD. EM continued to harass me. While her boyfriend would be texting me & asking me to have sex with him & doing other things with him. I made sure I had screenshotted everything. I got EH phone from police & started going through it. Messages, Facebook, etc. I found out that not only had he been cheating on me with a 16 year old girl. But he had also made fake Facebook acct and had been messaging MS who was 12 at the time. Asking her for sexual favors. Then I found multiple dating apps on his phone & with HUNDREDS of messages to multiple women asking about sex & relationships & marriage with them.

At that point I was furious & extremely done. I am very family oriented & would give my life for MS. So I also screenshot that Facebook acct & all of the messages to not only MS but to the 16 year old as well. And email them to myself. I gather all of the screenshots, sort them out. Send screenshots of the messages to MM & send screenshots of EVERYTHING to EM. Screenshots of her bfs convo, 16 year olds convo, & MS’s convo. To show her, that her sweet, sweet son was not only a pedophile but a manipulative little fuck who embezzles money like stupid fuck from his job. When she showed up to meet me, her face was PRICELESS. It was a mix of disappointment & disgust. She apologized to me about everything she had said. I went about my way. She broke up with her bf & kicked him out on the streets (he was from a state very far north of where I live).

I took the screenshots of the messages to MS & the 16 year old to the police. He got in even more trouble & not only had to spend 3 months in jail for the embezzlement but had to spend 2 years in prison & have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. He apparently had met a young girl somehow during the final days of his stay in prison, and moved in with her & her parents (she was 16 as well) when he got out. His mother & brothers had disowned him, cut contact, and he lost any custody/visitation with his daughter. I knew I still had the screenshots in my email. So I found out who the child was he was living with & figure out who her parents are & send them the screenshots. Let them know he is a sex offender & had talked with a different 16 year old & a 12 year old. They kick him out into the streets as well. Last I heard, he was couch hopping and jobless (this was as of last year).

As a result of everything, I am now in a very wonderful marriage (almost 4 years) with a man I’ve known for 13 years.

Him & EM bf both lost a lot & I feel no regret in any way, shape, or form. I done a lot to keep children safe from him. I am one of those people who feel like there’s only 1 cure for a pedo....but we will keep that violent comment out of here.

Anyways....sorry it was so long.

(source) story by (/u/truckerswife15)

[hookedontaronfics]

First Contact series - Part 4

Title: First Contact - Part 4 Read the previous installments here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 Rating: T Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Some mild cursing A/N: Taron proves his caring heart but was it all just a fever dream? The fourth installment in the First Contact series will leave you wanting more. If you love cute, fluffy Taron, you’ll love this installment. The series will eventually involve more mature themes as it develops, so be warned! I hope you enjoy! x

I woke up with a start into the darkness of my room, my breathing shallow as I tried to sort out where I was. For a moment I thought I’d had a bad dream, sweat plastering my hair to my forehead, but I had no lingering impression of a nightmare in my mind. Then a sharp pain in my stomach caused me to moan, and I closed my eyes against the sudden feeling that I was about to be sick. 

I stumbled out of my room into the hallway, crashing into the doorframe and cursing as I hurried to the toilet, bending over and heaving. Once I was done, I rolled over on the floor and laid there in the dark, not feeling much better after emptying the contents of my gut. Shit, I muttered to myself, trying to focus on just breathing for a moment, pressing my palms into my abdomen in an attempt to alleviate the pain.

It’d be just like me to get raging sick right before my next table read, I groaned. It’s just nerves, I tried to convince myself, as it had been a few days since the last read with Taron and the group thanks to scheduling conflicts.

A light snapped on in the hallway and I realized I hadn’t even considered my noise volume, but I couldn’t continue the thought as another wave of nausea moved through me. Jules knocked timidly on the door before easing it open, seeing me lying prone on the floor. I hadn’t even had the strength in me to flush the toilet, so I could only imagine what she was seeing. I would have been embarrassed if I didn’t feel so awful.

“Oh, honey,” she said, as I tried to shield my face from the onslaught from the overhead light.

“Everything hurts and I’m dying, Jules,” I moaned, curling up into the fetal position as my gut continued to spasm.

“You’re going to survive, I promise,” she said sympathetically, reaching over and yanking down the toilet handle.

“I completely regret all that sushi we had for dinner,” I sighed as Jules helped ease me to a sitting position, but I wasn’t willing to leave the bathroom just yet. “I can’t miss work,” I said, shivering despite the fact that my body was covered in sweat.

“Well you’re certainly in no shape to go right now,” she said, feeling my forehead with the back of her hand. “And you’re burning up too,” she added, opening the medicine cabinet and shaking out a couple painkillers from the bottle. “These should help,” she said, dropping them in my hand.

She poured me a cup of water, and the thought of trying to swallow anything down made me feel like getting sick all over again. I had to force myself to down the pills. “I want my mom,” I whined pathetically, my head lolling to the side a bit.

“Your mum is in America so all you’ve got right now is me,” Jules said gently.

“Well that’s just bloody great, innit?” I said sarcastically, and thankfully Jules didn’t take my rudeness personally.

“Should we try and get you back to your bed?” she asked, being sweeter than I’d known her to be. I must have looked like I was on death’s door.

“Mmmm I’m just gonna crash here,” I mumbled, pulling a towel down off the rack and making a pillow out of it, stuffing it under my head. The coolness of the hardwood floor was actually soothing to my overheated body.

“Suit yourself,” Jules replied. “I’ll wake you up in a few hours so you can call off your job,” she added.

“I’m not calling off,” I said stubbornly, but Jules just closed the door on me and left me to my misery. I drifted in and out of sleep, the pain never really subsiding, and ended up tossing the medicine anyway, getting sick several more times before I had nothing left to give. I was completely drained when Jules came to wake me up.

“Help me up,” I said weakly, holding my arms out to her with the intention to get ready for work. She pulled me to my feet and supported me to my room, dumping me back in my bed despite my protests.

“Give me your phone, I’m calling for you,” she replied, hands on her hips, and I must have been plumb out of my mind because I allowed her to do it. I had pulled all of my covers and extra blankets around myself, unable to get warm while she told my boss I was currently indisposed in the bathroom, whatever that meant.

“You just rest, okay?” Jules said after making my excuses for me, and I could only nod. My body had won this round, and I was thoroughly disappointed. I’d been looking forward to work, and after our date, I wondered how Taron and I would interact in person again. He’d kept up a steady stream of texts the past few days, falling asleep in the middle of our convos late into the night, which were usually about the most random and ridiculous things. I enjoyed the fact that Taron didn’t take himself too seriously, but sometimes wondered if we were more than just friends. Yes, he flirted with me, but he tended to flirt shamelessly with everyone. It was just his personality, and part of what drew me to him.

These thoughts drifted through my delirious mind before I crashed into a dreamless sleep, waking up nine hours later feeling sweaty, hungry and disoriented. I kicked off the covers, feeling like I was suffocating under all of them, and laid there for a few minutes testing myself, but the pain from earlier had seemed to subside. I gently poked at my stomach, and it growled back at me. “Well okay then,” I said to no one, disheartened by how much effort it took to get out of bed. I could hear the telly in the front room, figuring Jules and Mary were up and about. It would be about suppertime, so I wrapped my robe around myself, still clad in my jammies, and shuffled out to the main room.

“Hey guys,” I said, and three sets of eyes turned around to look at me at the sound of my voice. Wait, three? I stopped dead in my tracks and gasped when I saw Taron perched on our couch with my roomies as if this was just a normal, every-day occurrence.

“What in the Queen’s name are you doing here?” I asked, probably not one of my finer moments. I was suddenly very aware of my purple heart-patterned sleep pants and the fact that I wasn’t even wearing a bra, and I pulled my robe tightly around myself self-consciously. I had no makeup on and my hair was likely an utter mess.

“You weren’t at work today, and Jules texted me on your phone that you’d been really sick all night. I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Taron explained, not even remotely phased by my appearance. He looked incredibly casual, one of his favorite caps pulled low over his eyes. “And I brought you ice lollies,” he added brightly. “My mum always gave them to me as a kid when I was feeling ill.”

“I think you call them popsicles in America,” Jules supplied when I looked rightly confused.

“Would you like me to get you one?” Taron said, and I agreed because he looked really cute about it. I sank down into the couch, feeling vulnerable but there was nothing I could do about it now. Taron had already seen me like this, in all my sickly glory. I at least ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tame it down.

“Couldn’t have given a girl a warning?” I said cheekily to Mary and Jules before Taron came back, handing over the popsicle in a bowl for me so it didn’t make a mess. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked gently, sitting across from me on the ottoman, his knees touching against mine.

“Cautiously better,” I said, unable to not smile at him. That adorable face could make me feel better any day.

“How’d the table read go today?” I asked, as Mary tapped Jules on the shoulder and they both got up to give us some space. I gingerly picked up the popsicle and nibbled at it while Taron ranted a bit.

“Not as good as before, if I’m honest. They had one of your colleagues in and he was alright, I suppose, but he kept asking us for ways to make the script better. That’s not, as a rule, my job, you know? I deliver the lines and try my best to give them a life, but the actual language of it, that’s not my job.”

“No, it’s mine,” I agreed, deciding grape was not my favorite flavor of popsicle in the world, but the gesture had been kind and I wasn’t about to throw it back in Taron’s face. Still, my stomach had started to hurt again, and I tried to ignore it as he went on about the script session some more.

“And frankly, he just wasn’t you. Then again, I don’t know if anyone else could be you,” Taron concluded, smiling over at me before his face crumpled into worry. “Are you quite alright? You look a bit green,” he said, and I shook my head.

“Too soon,” I said, clutching my stomach and running for the bathroom again. After I didn’t resurface for a bit, Taron came looking for me. I was still hung over the toilet, though this time I’d managed to flush. I looked up at him and for some reason this made me start to cry, and then, feeling embarrassed, I ended up crying even harder because I was crying in front of him.

“Hey,” he said, kneeling down next to me and rubbing my back. “It’s okay,” he said, trying to soothe me.

“No it’s not,” I cried, having to let it all go. I felt like massive shit, first of all, but it was also difficult to handle that he was seeing me in that state. We hadn’t known each other long enough for me to feel like that was justified, to feel that I had earned my place in his concern.

“But it will be,” he said, not trying to correct me, just continuing to rub my back patiently while I cried it out. 

“I am so sorry,” I said, sniffling a bit and trying to get myself back under control.

“There’s no need. I’ve been sick before in my life, I know how it feels. We’re all human here,” he said, so kind about things it made my heart hurt too. “It’s alright to need someone to look after you,” he added. I took in a shaky breath and finally looked over at him, and he gently brushed the tears off my cheeks. I gave him a small smile and he helped me back to my feet. I managed to rinse my mouth out quickly, and we ambled back out to the couch, Taron suggesting I lie down and just rest and watch some telly.

He made sure I was comfortable, situating himself so I could rest my head in his lap. And let me tell you, he had incredibly comfortable thighs. I could still think it, even if I didn’t feel great. Tim wandered over and parked himself on Taron’s other leg, and he had to chuckle over that. “Guess I’m not leaving for a while,” he joked, petting Tim and baby-talking the cat in a cute manner. Everyone had their own “pet voice” - Taron was no exception.

“Tell me a story,” I smiled up at him, his eyes catching a glint from the table lamp. “About being on set. Anything…”

He idly ran his fingers through my hair as he recalled some funny moments with his co-stars, and I felt myself getting sleepy, lulled by his touch and the sweet drone of his voice. I could honestly listen to that accent for hours on end; he could have read the dictionary for all I cared. The corners of my mouth would turn up in a smile when he’d get to a funny bit in his story, and I rather enjoyed when he’d laugh at his own jokes. It was endearing in a way I wouldn’t have had the privilege to know before.

He must have noticed that I was growing tired and suggested I’d get better sleep if I were in my bed, so before I totally drifted off I let him steer me to my room, unable to worry about what it must have looked like. He seemed to only be focused on me, taking the time to actually tuck me in my covers, smoothing them out over my body. 

I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at that point as he leaned over and ever-so-gently brushed his lips against my forehead, placing the sweetest kiss on my skin. I’d wonder later if that had actually happened or been just part of my delirium. “You’re not warm,” he whispered, his voice sounding slightly unsteady, but I was already half-asleep so I couldn’t ponder that further. “I do believe you’ll feel better in the morning,” he smiled, giving my hand a slight squeeze.

“You too, babe,” I mumbled, the words just tumbling out as I was sliding head-long into sleep, totally unaware of the expression on his face, the one that said his feelings ran much deeper than just friendship. 

I assume he took his leave from Jules and Mary, but I was long gone into dreamland at that point. When I awoke later I’d have to wonder how much of what had happened was just a fever dream. How many more encounters was it going to take before we’d finally give in to our feelings?

Interested in what happens next? Read Part 5 here!