#like in the back of my head i know im being self destructive

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

Lol I'm having an anxiety attack so I'm doing that thing where I go on social media to distract myself and pretend like the actual world isn't wording around me, and I keep coming across Gravity Falls content that makes me SO happy so essentially I'm just like

"Oh god. Oh god. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm drowning- AWWW LOOK AT BABY BILL CIPHER. My world is ending and I'm standing on debris waiting for a tsunami- AWWW STANLEY PINES IS BEING ZAINY AGAIN. God, I love that guy!!! Existence is pain."

[an-theduckin]

Wait shit people might actually care about me

[iwasntstable]

n.s. | if i'm there

🗀 C:/PROJECTS/MYWORK/ONESHOT/IFIMTHERE [projects] ﹂ [my-work] | in-progress | favourites 　﹂ all | series | [one-shot] | blurb | head-cannons | ask 　　﹂ fear-of-failure | nightmare | never-just-friends 　　　 stay-til-morning | new-neighbour | [if-im-there]

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➔𝐢𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧𝐭𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞➔➔　𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘷𝘦!+　　[𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝐀𝐎𝟯]

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I didn't want to believe how much you needed help / And I just left you to be all by yourself / And now I wish I had seen that you weren't doing well / But I just came back to see how hard you fell Well, if I'm there to catch you when you fall / You'll have a friend down in Hell after all 　　— If I'm There - Bad Omens

summary: when things start getting bad, you withdraw. ignoring calls and texts, and descending into bad habits as you self-isolate. but noah knows what you're like and he loves you too much to let you suffer alone.

content tags: angst, emotional hurt/comfort, poor mental health, mentions of disordered eating, discussions of food, self-destructive behaviour, fluff.

word count: 3.8k.

note: having a rough time recently so enjoy the self-indulgent product of my stressing. 　　PS: please tell me if the layout of this post is fucked up so I can fix it for you.

Things are getting bad again. You find your sleep schedule sliding later and later, falling asleep in the early hours of the morning and waking in the afternoon, bypassing the day altogether. Meals are becoming infrequent and poor in quality. Appetite dwindling and opting to eat half a bag of microwave rice at 3am rather than dedicating time to creating a nutritious and satisfying meal. Truth be told, you didn’t have the energy to cook anything more, and the malnutrition itself likely played a part in that lack of energy. The trash was left to build up, and the laundry hadn’t been done in weeks.

The progression of all of this was gradual. So gradual, that by the time you recognised what was happening, it was all but too late to stop the rapid descent into your depression. And as the days go by, you start to withdraw into yourself. Messages from friends begin to go unanswered. You tell yourself you’ll reply later, when you have the mental bandwidth to engage in conversation. But later ends up being not at all. Too many days have passed, and you feel like it’s too late to reply now; you don’t know how. That includes your boyfriend.

　　　　　　　　　　　[Noah 💘]

　　　　　　 　　　　　Tuesday 　　　　　　　　　 　　10:45AM

— Morning! Do you wanna call later?    Miss your voice 

          morning! I have a headache —             right now and I feel like it's             not gonna go away :( I'll let                you know though.                 I miss you too ❤️ —

— Aw I'm sorry :( — I hope you feel better soon — Text me later and let me know    how you are ❤️

　　　　　　　　　 　　02:27PM

— Hey babe how are you feeling?

             my head still hurts :( —

— Want me to come over and look    after you? — Have you eaten yet?

       you don't have to do that, I'd be —            shitty company anyway                   just wanna sleep —

— Okay :( — I'll text you later tonight so    you can sleep

　　　　　　　　　 　　10:09PM

— How are you feeling? — Are you sleeping? — Hope you’re resting well. Text    me when you wake up so I know    you’re okay — I love you ❤️ — Goodnight ❤️

　　　　　　 　　　　Wednesday 　　　　　　　　　 　　08:41AM

— Morning, how’re you feeling?

　　　　　　　　　 　　09:13AM

— Are you awake? — Babe, are you okay?

      hey! sorry I was still asleep. I feel a —       little better but my head still hurts :(

— I’m gonna cancel today and come    over — I don’t want you to be alone when    you’re not well 

       no don’t do that, i’m okay really —              you know this happens          sometimes. I just wanna rest,            you don’t have to cancel for        me. not when work is important

— You’re important too — Please let me look after you

          I love you and I love that —           you want to be here for me,         but all I want to do right now                   is sleep

          I don’t want you to cancel —           important schedules just           to watch me sleep all day                I’ll feel better soon.             just need to give it time. —

— I’d cancel to sit and watch you sleep    in a heartbeat — I love you, I just want you to be okay — I have to go, I’ll text you later okay?

         I’ll text you back when I can, —            if I don’t reply I’m probably          asleep so don’t worry have a                good day I love you —

　　　　　　　　　 　　10:26PM

— Hey babe sorry I didn’t text all day I    was so fucking busy — How’re you doing now? — Are you sleeping again?

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 10:31PM]

— Text or call me when you wake up,    even if it’s the middle of the night I’ll    leave my sound on — I love you ❤️

　　　　　　 　　   　　Thursday 　　　　　　　　　 　　08:41AM

— Hey, are you awake?

　　　　　　　　　 　　08:55AM

— Hello??

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 08:59AM]

— Message me when you wake up

　　　　　　　　　 　　12:20PM

— Babe?? — I’m worried — Even if you don’t wanna talk can     you please let me know you’re okay?

　　　　　　　　　 　　12:46PM

— Babe please answer me

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 12:48PM]

　　　　　　　　　 　　01:20PM

     hey, sorry I missed your messages —         I’m okay sorry for worrying you —

— I was just about to come over — I still might — I’m worried about you

           please don’t I just don’t —          wanna see anyone right now

— Even me?

                  I’m sorry —             I’ll text you tomorrow — — If that’s what you want — I love you

　　　　　　　 　   　　　Friday 　　　　　　　　　 　　03:47PM

— I don’t want to bother you, I’m     trying to give you space if that’s    what you need — But I’m worried about you — You haven’t messaged me all day — Did I do something wrong?

　　　　　　　　　 　　04:10PM

— Babe please answer me

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 04:12PM]

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 04:15PM]

　　　　　　　　　 　　04:18PM

— Your friends said they haven’t heard    from you in days — What’s going on? You can talk to me. — You don’t have to talk to me if you    don’t want to but text someone back,    please — I just wanna know that you’re okay

　　　　　　　[MISSED CALL: 04:23PM]

And that’s how Noah ended up outside your door. Banging incessantly and shouting your name through the wood. You could hear him from where you were wrapped up in bed, but you were half hoping he would just drop it and go away. Realising quickly, however, the futility of that hope when you heard another voice join the sound of his. That of your neighbour, the nosy one from the house on the right.

You groan and throw the blanket off yourself, flinching a little when your feet touch the cold floor. You have no choice but to go downstairs, and no time to change your appearance. Hoping to whatever God will listen that Noah doesn’t make a comment on the clothes you’d been wearing for the past week before you can get in the shower and change.

“I’m just really worried about her,” you can hear the unmistakable tone of Noah’s voice through the door before you even open it.

Hesitating for a moment with your hand on the door handle, you decide to eavesdrop on the conversation. “I haven’t seen her for, ohhh let me think... has to be about a week now,” despite the man’s voice wavering with age, it came loud and clear through the door. An unfortunate side effect of his hearing loss.

“A week?!” Noah exclaimed. Having enough of the old man sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, you unlock the door quickly, wrenching it open and taking a surprised Noah by the arm.

“Oh! Nice to see you, dear. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The old man sneers.

“Yeah, nice seeing you, Trevor,” you barely extend him a glance as you drag Noah in through your doorway, slamming the door closed and turning the key. You let out a deep sigh, your palms and forehead resting against the cool wood.

Noah calls your name softly. You squeeze your eyes tight and take in a breath before you turn to face him. Putting on the best phoney smile you can muster.

“Sorry about him, he’s always in everyone’s business. What are you-”

“He said he hasn’t seen you in a week,” he says matter-of-factly. There’s no hint of a smile on his face. “Your friends said they haven’t heard from you in days either, and you’ve been ignoring my texts. And calls.”

Your heart seizes at the sadness in his eyes. He stands there in your front room, his usual sweatpants and hoodie, but he just looks so defeated. You always tell him he looks like an upset puppy when he’s sad, and the puppy-dog eyes are working overtime on you right now. “I told you, I’ve just been busy, and I-”

“And you had a headache, and you missed my texts, and you didn’t want to talk,” his voice was as stern as his expression. You knew he wasn’t an idiot. That there’s no way he’d believe your—at best—flimsy excuses. You stand frozen to the spot, fiddling with the edge of your sleeve. Picking at the stitches, trying to distract yourself from the lump forming in your throat. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” Noah questions.

You swallow roughly, “I don’t know what you... I don’t-”

He says your name firmly and takes a step towards you, “I’m going to ask you how you are, and I would like you to answer me honestly.”

Feeling your heart begin to race in your chest, you swallow again, but it does nothing to get rid of the tightness in your throat. Or the dizziness creeping up on you.

“Are you doing bad again?” He sounds softer this time, and you almost wish he would just scream at you because when he’s kind and attentive like this, you can’t help but crumble and shut down.

You clench your jaw as your breathing gets quicker, shallower, and you feel the unmistakable burn of tears in your eyes. “I’m fine,” your voice comes out cracked and weak, not at all the sound of someone who's fine. 

“Don’t pretend you’re okay. Please don’t lie to me, because I know you’re not okay!” Noah crosses the room to meet you, holding his hands outstretched towards you, “what can I do for you? Please, I want to help.”

You cover your mouth as you choke back a sob, wrapping your other arm around your middle; you can’t hold it in anymore, and the floodgates open. Gasping for breath that seems to never come, you grip the front of your shirt tight in your fist, the clothing suddenly feeling suffocating and stiflingly hot.

“Oh, baby. Come here,” Noah takes you by the shoulders and pulls you into his chest, where you fall into him and cling onto him like he’s your only lifeline. “I need you to breathe for me, okay? Slowly, in and out,” he strokes soothing circles against your back as he demonstrates to you how to breathe. “Come and sit down here, yeah? The couch is right here.”

You barely register your legs moving for the numbness extending across your entire body, from your fingertips all the way down to your toes. Your tears are hot on your face, and every time you try to wipe them away, they’re just replaced by more in a never-ending stream. The room feels like it’s spinning around you as you move, only worsening the feeling of nausea rising in your throat. The plush cushions of the couch are a welcome relief.

“You’re holding your breath, I need you to breathe. Just how I am, that’s it,” he cradles your head to his chest through your shaky attempts to take in a breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your mouth. Your breath hitches uncontrollably with every inhale, taking in tiny bursts of air at a time. Noah, though, has nothing but praise on his lips: “That’s it. You’re doing so well, just listen to my voice.”

You missed his voice. As you worsened and withdrew, you found any excuse to avoid going out to see him, and you had been ignoring his calls for days. You knew you were doing it, and you missed him desperately, but with every day that passed, you found it harder and harder to reach out. It was hard for you to reach out for help in the first place, hard for you to admit to anyone that you needed help. Hard to admit it to yourself. Opting instead to suffer in silence and just push through it until you finally broke. You didn’t know any other way.

The familiar presence of him by your side eases the pace of your racing heart, allowing each breath to come a little easier. A little calmer. “I hate to see you hurting like this,” he whispers into your hair, his hand stroking through it gently, working to soothe the seemingly unquenchable anxiety. “I want to help you, please let me help you.”

It broke your heart to hear the pain in his voice. You never wanted to hurt him, but that’s all you seem to do. That cold hand of dread tightens its grip on your chest again, panic filling your lungs and replacing all the air. “I’m sorry,” you barely choke out, gripping onto Noah tighter. Warring with yourself, wanting to hold him close, but feeling like you need to push him away.

“You don’t need to apologise, ever. I’m here, I’m right here,” he runs his hand up and down your back, cradling you close. He can’t help but notice that through the fabric of your shirt, the bones of your spine are ever so slightly more prominent than before. He keeps his mouth shut. Focussing instead on quelling your distress and holding you tight in his arms. 

“I just- I fuck everything up. I can’t do anything right, I don’t deserve your love, I don’t deserve you-” Once you start talking, you can’t stop, finally letting it all out until Noah cuts you off, incapable of hearing you degrade yourself anymore.

“No. No, that’s not even remotely true. Don’t say that about yourself,” he says firmly, holding you just a little tighter. 

You shake your head against him, “all I do is hurt people and push you away, and I don’t know how to stop. You don’t deserve that, you shouldn’t have to put up with me.”

“I don’t ‘put up with you’. I love you, and I want to be here for you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”

“You shouldn’t have to drop everything to come deal with me when you’re so busy. You deserve someone that isn’t so fucking hard to love.”

With that, Noah pushes you backwards by the shoulders, holding you there so he can look into your eyes when he speaks. “You are not hard to love. Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever had the privilege of doing. You just…” He takes a deep breath, cupping your cheek and brushing away the tears from under your eyes. “You just need to let me in, and let me show you you’re just as worthy of love as anyone else is.”

The image of him blurs when the tears overflow from your eyes again, your face crumpling as you bow your head. “You’ll leave me," your voice shaking with the force of your sobs.

"Why would you ever think I'd leave you?" he asks, dismayed by your fear.

"Everyone always leaves," you tell him, voice brittle and quiet, shaking your head. "It's only a matter of time before you leave too."

"I love you," Noah feels tears prick at his own eyes. "I love you so, so much. And I'm not going anywhere." He lifts your head, once again brushing away your tears so he can look into your eyes, "please trust me to help you."

"I'm just so tired," you confess, and he pulls you into his arms again. 

“I can't promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won't have to face them alone. There’s nothing you could do that would drive me away. And the things that would, I know you’d never do,” he runs a comforting hand through your hair as you cry, his other arm secure around your waist. Your tears soak into his shirt, but he doesn’t mind. He wants you to give it all to him—all your sorrows, all your grief—so that he can bear it with you.

You desperately want to believe his words. To lean on him when you need him the most, but that insecure piece inside of you won’t let you yield. You don’t know how to open up to anyone without feeling like a burden.

Noah stays right there with you until the tears subside and your breathing evens out. Your head resting in his lap as he reassuringly strokes your hair, you feel the beginnings of a dull ache in your head that makes you drowsy. He rubs soothing circles into your back with his other hand, shifting slightly to get a better look at your face. “Have you eaten yet today?” He asks tentatively. Feeling your throat constrict under the pressure of guilt, you know you can’t lie to him. You know he sees right through you, so you decide to try being honest by shaking your head. “Want me to cook something for you? Or we can order something? My treat.”

You know he means well, but you don’t know how to say you don’t have an appetite without worrying him. He won’t let you go the entire day without eating, but all you want to do is sleep.

“Please talk to me,” he pleads, “I need to hear you.”

On a shaky breath, you settle for a half truth. “I don’t think there’s anything to cook.”

“That’s fine, we can order food then. What do you want?”

Chewing on your lip, you freeze. The silence stretches on far too long for you to be deciding what restaurant to order from, it’s clear you’re unable to answer.

Noah sighs your name, “you have to eat something.” 

“I know. I just… I just don’t want to,” he remains quiet, waiting for you to continue. “I don’t feel hungry. Thinking about it is overwhelming. I just want to sleep so I don’t have to think about it.”

“What have you been eating these past few days?” He asks cautiously, his tone light. Conscious to not sound accusatory.

You sigh, knowing there’s no way of escaping this. “Microwave stuff, mostly,” you play with the fabric of his sweatpants, feeling his leg underneath, fidgeting your anxiety away. “Rice, oats, ramen. Stuff I don’t have to wash up after.”

“Have you been eating every day?”

The question hangs heavy in the air, the tension only thickening when you answer "no,” barely above a whisper.

You feel him nod. Quiet for a moment until he too speaks so quietly, you almost didn’t hear it. “You can’t go on like this.”

“I know,” you confess.

“Please let me help you.”

The desperation in his voice is what does it—the final straw. You sit up straight, turning to face him. Wiping the residual tears from your cheeks and looking him in the eye. You know it’s time to really be honest. 

“It’s hard for me-” Your voice catches in your throat as the threat of crying again creeps up on you, not quite realising how much your body would resist. Taking a second to compose yourself—a deep breath in, eyes closed, releasing it slowly—your resolve strengthens and you continue. “It’s hard for me to open up to people. To admit when I’m struggling. I’m so used to feeling like I’m burdening everyone with my problems, so I just keep it all to myself. And by the time I realise I’m going down that road again, it’s too late to stop it.”

“It’s never too late,” Noah says reassuringly, tucking both sides of your hair behind your ears—the left first, then the right. “I mean this in the most loving way possible, but you don’t get to decide whether you’re a burden. You don’t get to take that choice away from me. The choice to help you. Your problems will never be a burden to me, no matter how big or small. You will never be a burden to me. I love you. I choose you. And I’ll never think poorly of you for needing help, ever.”

You don’t know what to say. Your eyes fixed on his. One of your favourite things about him is his big brown eyes. Always so full of comfort. So full of love that even you, with all of your self-doubt, can’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know you said not to apologise, but I think I need to. I’m sorry for making you worry and for pushing you away. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Noah takes your hands in his. Large palms enveloping your own entirely. “Seeing you hurting is what hurts me the most. I love you so much, all I want is for you to be happy and healthy.”

You squeeze his hands in yours, “I love you, Noah. I’ll try harder, I promise. Feeling so unwanted for so long before I met you, I think I didn’t realise just how lucky I am to have you until now.” Noah raises one of your hands, kissing the back firmly and holding it there, savouring the feel of your skin against his lips. Timidly, you ask, “can we get pizza?”

He breaks out into a smile, “of course we can! But you have to text your friends back first," he bargains, "even if it’s just something short.”

“Deal,” you can’t help but return his smile. “My phone is upstairs, I’m just gonna go get it.”

“Wait!” he calls as you stand, pulling you back to the sofa and into him with a hand on the back of your head, “can I kiss you first?”

Without a word, you lean into him, closing the gap between you and feeling his lips on yours for the first time in weeks. That familiar burn of tears threatening to escape your eyes returns, and when you pull away, those beautiful brown eyes are full of concern.

“It’s okay,” you reassure him, laughing awkwardly, “happy tears. I just missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” his smile taking on a more solemn appearance this time. “But I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, please don’t ever forget that.”

“Don’t forget that I love you too. No matter what happens. No matter how stupidly self-destructive I act.”

Noah pulls you in for one final embrace before letting you retrieve your phone. You spend time texting back each of your friends, apologising for your absence and telling them you were okay, that Noah is here, and you’d explain more later. Noah, sitting at your right, creates your pizza order, periodically asking what else you’d like adding.

The two of you spend the night watching trash TV, settling into your usual comfort and hurling insults at the characters for making stupid decisions while you eat your food. Only realising after it arrived just how hungry you really were. And when you’re finished eating, Noah and you head upstairs.

You feel like a new person after you shower, coming out of the bathroom to find Noah relaxed against your headboard. The sheets on your bed changed, and a fresh set of clothes lay waiting for you to change into for bed.

Accepting finally how much lighter everything feels when someone is around to help you. You slide under the clean sheets, comforted by the warmth of Noah’s body beside you for the first time in too long. And just as you fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and the feeling of his hand stroking your back, you’re determined to never let things get this bad again. Knowing you need to trust him, because trust is the foundation of love, and you love Noah with every fibre of your being. And despite how hard it is sometimes, you need to let him love you back.

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✉ C:/SYSTEM/APP/TAG

ᯤ 𝗨𝗦𝗘𝗥𝗦 (21) :　 ⌞⬤ 7 𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾⌝ @iloveyoutodeathbutimdrowning | @english-fucker @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard | @seven-glass-kids @runadaggerthroughmychest

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[slxtarchive]

𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐞 ✦ 𝐬𝐚𝐦 𝐠𝐨𝐥𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐡

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬. where sam was there to help y/n when she had a rough day and resorted to unwinding in a not-so-healthy way.

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭. okay so i was just thinking for a sam golbach fic reader relapses (self harm) cuz their mind has been getting too much lately, and maybe sam helps them clean up and then helps take care of them and makes them feel loved nd just like lets them know that they don't need to do that because he's there from now on?? if that makes sense. also maybe not an established romantic relationship but maybe it ends up that way? like sam tells reader he doesn't know what he'd do with himself if anything happened to them he just cares a lot about them and yeah

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬. ANGST ! third person pov, talks of self harm, relapsing, descriptive literature, friend!sam, friends to lovers.

𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬. if anybody needs anyone to talk to i’m here! 🤍 sorry this took so long to post & write! this one hit really personal for me but id okay to say ive healed & im continuing to heal from my past. if anyone is going through similar hardships, you can get through it! i believe, love, & support you always.

y/n told herself she wouldn’t put herself in this position again. she wouldn’t.. but sometimes things don’t go as planned.

she had tried to stay strong, to stop letting her mind control every action she took; it just became too much. she sat on the cold tile floor of her bathroom, tears making their way down her flushed face. she gripped the item as she took the first swipe, lightly but firm enough.

just stop. she told herself. her hand shook as she went to repeat the action. she looked at her skin i just need to feel something, she thought. something other than what im feeling now.

she had been doing so good but somehow found herself back at square one. all that work that she had done was all gone. she felt hopeless, as if this never ending black hole of despair would stay with her for the rest of her life.

she took a minute to think on her life and what could have went wrong to cause her to relapse. all those thoughts had no specific effect on relapsing, its just her brain had begun to spin a web that caused her to get stuck in her head all day. what else can i do? she thought as she took another swipe at her skin. she planned on continuing until she heard her bedroom door open.

her heart dropped to her ass. “y/n..?” the voice had confusion laced in their voice.

sam.

it was sam.

the blonde boy was one of the things that y/n had in her life that truly made her happy. he was her best friend. she never told him that but she truly meant that with every fiber of her being.

y/n quickly wiped her tears when she heard the footsteps come closer to the bathroom. wiping the tears would make the tear stains disappear but the thing about breaking down, you’re left with that struggle of trying to catch your breath.

she couldn’t stop gasping, trying to breathe calm and collectively. that’s why as sam stopped right beside the bathroom. he heard a small gasp escape her lips that caught his attention.

his eyebrows raised in confusion. he put his head beside the door trying to hear something else. “uh.. y/n? you in there?” he knocked. he received no answer. multiple questions and thoughts ran through his mind before he opened the door.

sam had seen many things in his life, traumatic even, but this — it was like his heart had jumped, dropped, did a tumble, and self destructed all in the span of 3 seconds. he instantly became nauseous at the sight of y/n holding a blade to her forearm. the small cuts that had caught his eye before she covered her arm and hid the blade had his blood run cold.!

the second y/n had been caught she felt guilty and embarrassed. she felt pathetic, like she wasn’t strong enough to handle the hard reality of the real world. immediately, she stood up and faced sam. “i-im sorry you weren’t supposed to see that.. it’s not what it looks like.” she sniffled trying to contain her tears. “i… it just, lately everything has been so crazy and i haven’t … i haven’t done this in a while but… but everything has just been… too much.” she rambled out, trying to explain herself.

sam’s face of confusion faltered. he thought about her words. the way she mentioned in a while had him wondering what caused her to relapse and fall back into this situation. he scanned her face. she’s too pure to be suffering like this. he paused thinking of what to say but truly all that he wanted to do was give her a hug. so that’s what he did.

he pulled her in, wrapping his arms around her protectively. she melted into his touch. her lip quivered as she wrapped her own arms around him. her body shook as more tears cascaded down her face.

sam felt his own eyes sting with tears. “i’m sorry.” he choked up. “i’m sorry you’ve been going through all of this alone.” he rested his cheek on her head closing his eyes trying to stay strong for her.

y/n hasn’t said anything, still feeling guilty. sam pulled away and looked down at the floor seeing the blade and a tissue beside it. he picked them up and threw both away.

he turned back to y/n who had a tired look on her face. “as long as i’m here nothing will hurt you, okay? i will be here for you. you can depend on me. you don’t need to do this anymore to yourself y/n, i won’t let you.” he took her face into his hands. “i promise, i love you and im always here for you no matter what.”

y/n’s heart raced as sam’s words really effected her. she nodded pursing her lips and biting her cheek.

he brought her head to his mouth and pressed a light kiss on her forehead. “i mean it y/n. i don’t know what i’d do with myself without you. you complete me.”

y/n’s eyes scanned sam’s face noticing how his own eyes began to water and become puffy. the scene before her causing her throat to close. “m’sorry i promise i wont do it anymore. i love you sam and… fuck — i know i shouldn’t be doing that. i just didn’t know what else to do.” she leaned against his chest.

“i know, i know baby but from now on you can talk to me about it. about anything. i care so much about you. you truly have no idea how much i…” he stopped himself not wanting to overwhelm her. “just know you mean the world to me. you are and have been my priority since we met and that’s never going to change.” the reassuring words causing y/n to relax.

y/n started to get inside her head, wondering what if he got tired of her, if he’d leave her, what she’d do or how she’d feel if that happened — or even worse; if she would be a burden to sam.

sam noticed y/n zoning out. “hey, tell me what you’re thinking please.” his hands reached down to grab her own.

she took a deep breath. c’mon y/n. she blinked a couple times trying to sort her thoughts. “don’t wanna be a burden to you.” she admitted to which sam immediately shook his head.

sam brought her hands to his mouth kissing her knuckles. “you could never ever be a burden to me. you keep me pushing through every day because i want to be the best for you. to be the best friend you deserve and… and whatever the future may hold for us — i want you there always, okay? don’t ever forget that.”

his words wavered through the air and stood there so you could process what he truly meant. you thought on it, picking up some hidden message that you’d both communicate about later but as of now, he truly helped you feel understood and seen. as long as you had him you’d feel physically, mentally, and emotionally secure and protected.

© slxtarchive

[s0urw00lf]

I don’t wanna live forever

Part two

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: Y/n is having a hard time coming to terms with her feelings for the guy she’s supposed to feel nothing more than a friendship with, so instead of confronting those feelings she runs away, which proves to be a mistake for her and him.

Warning: angst, heartbreak, fluff, sad angry Dean because he’s a warning in itself

An: this is my first Dean Winchester fic so i hope it lives up to your expectations. Also this is gonna be a two part series because i got carried away with setting up the plot for this. If you like this flick and the way i write i am taking requests for Sam, dean and cas so feel free to make some. Anywho love ya and i hope you enjoy.

Dean Winchester is the epitome of a girls dream guy. He’s smart, tall, and strong. Not to mention those pretty green eyes that scream ‘walking sex god’ or that cheeky ass smirk he wears when he knows he’s got a girl in his clutch. But thats not what made you fall for him, not the only reason at least. Dean Winchester has been your best friend since you both could walk. Being left to take care of Sammy while your mom and john were out hunting all through your childhood up really sealed your fate, you saw all of his most vulnerable moments and you knew those moments he needed you to break down those walls so he wouldn’t self destruct. But also you saw how much he loved, and how he fought for the people he loved, but he wouldn’t let anyone give that back to him. And thats why you loved him. Because you knew that just like him you’d do anything for him at any moments notice. You’d kill, you’d torture , you’d die If he needed.

So as you sat at a bar sipping on your martini watching dean flirt with the pretty curly headed bartender with a short skirt, your heart felt heavy within your chest and your stomach completely empty despite the large bowl of fries you were sharing with Sam. The feelings that surged through your body weren’t anger, or hatred. It was sadness and longing, knowing that even though you loved everything about that man, even though you knew him better than anyone else. Better than himself. He’d wouldn’t see you how you saw him, and no matter how much you hated it, you couldn’t hate him. Not one bit.

“Y’know if you sulk any harder people are gonna mistake you for a grounded teenager” an amused voice spoke from beside you. Your gaze broke from dean and turned to his brother, “shut up Sam” you said nudging his shoulder softly. A smile crossed the younger winchesters face, “he’s just looking for a distraction” he muttered to you, diverting his gaze over to his brother letting a frown overtake his features. Sam knew how utterly in love you and his brother were with each other, i mean anyone could see it. Except for some reason you two.

“Yeah well sleeping with a random person isn’t exactly what id call ‘a distraction’” you said bitterly, immediately feeling bad even though dean was nowhere around to hear. Sam shook his head at just how blind you were, “ i just don’t understand why he wont open up to us.” You said trying to keep your voice steady, stirring your drink around with your straw “He knows that we know how much loosing john is affecting him. Hell he’s not the only one fucking dealing. We all lost” she said trying not to let the tears forming in her eyes fall. Sam sighed “thats just how he is. It’s how he’s always been. The strong one” he said looking at his friend solemnly.

“Well it’s bullshit and he knows it” you said slamming your hands down on the table as you stood up. “Im going back to the motel” you muttered grabbing you coat from the back of your chair and trying to keep your tears at bay. Sam grabbed your wrist stopping you. “You want me to walk you?” He offered softly. “No it’s fine, i’m fine. I just need some time alone if thats okay” you said. Sam nodded letting go of your wrist, you gave him a hug and a kiss on the forehead, a habit you’d formed when he was only two years old. And with that you exited the bar, not sparing a look in deans direction. You couldn’t stomach it. What you missed was the longing and worried look dean sent you as he weakly excused himself, and made his way over to Sam and began his interrogation.

While you walked your brain was racked with all of these intense emotions. But the most prominent thought was how much it was killing you. Given you’d known that Dean wasn’t the relationship type, i mean the ratio of his hookups to relationships says enough in itself. But you’d grown up together, you knew how much dean craved to be held and loved by a woman, and you were hoping by chance he’d let it be you. But as the months turned into years and years turned into a decade, you were tired. Tired of loving someone who only thought of you as a friend. Tired of loving someone who would shamelessly flirt with other women in front of you, no matter how deeply in love you showed him you were.

By time you reached the motel you’d had your mind made up, you’d apologize to the boys later but you had to go. And you knew that if you told them in person Sam’s puppy dog eyes that always worked and deans broken expression would’ve coaxed you back in. So there you are packing your bags (not that you had much to pack) and hopping into a car you’d managed to break into and Hotwire and began your way to Bobby’s.

When you arrived at Bobby’s he was shocked to see you but ultimately let you in. “Y’look like shit” he greeted looking you up in down taking in your puffy eyes. You laughed “good to see you too”. Bobby looked behind you, curiosity etched into his face “where are the other two idjits?” He asked. Your once happy expression dropped, replaced by a guilty look and you avoided his eyes as best you could. Bobby took a step forward, now concerned “peanut where are the boys” he asked a little more demanding this time. Tears pooled your eyes for what felt like the 100th time that day. “I- i left them in Wyoming” your voice broke as tears began to cascade down your face. “I didn’t tell them, they would’ve convinced me not to go” you explained. Bobby stared at the girl not sure what to do about the girl he saw as a daughter crying so freely in front of him. “Why’d ya leave? Somethin’ happen?” He asked leading you to the couch and taking a seat himself.

You shook your head “no… no nothing happened. I just couldn’t watch it anymore.” You muttered playing with your fingers in your lap trying to put your feelings into words. Bobby watched intently, and he swore he could almost see the cloud of thoughts above your head. It took about five seconds for it to click. Dean. “S’this ‘bout dean?” He leaned forward. You hesitated, finally looking up to meet them and eyes before you nodded. “It was okay before, i mean I’ve had feelings for him since we were 14 so i learned to tune it out mostly. But as we get older its just go hard, i mean I’m 26 now and I’ve seen him during relationships and hookups and its not effected me until now.” You explained, Bobby didn’t say anything, knowing that if he said the wrong thing you’d probably run up to your designated room and act like the conversation never happened.

“i think because i realized just how far id go for him, and with the way things are heating up that flame seems to grow more and more every hunt. But he doesn’t see it, he doesn’t see the raw and utter devotion i hold for him. He doesn’t see how i run off every guy because i know they wont be like him. He doesn’t see how much it hurts me to see him happy with someone else, even if it’s just for a night. And it hurts Bobby, it hurts like hell to love someone who only sees you as his best friend that much” you finished. By that point the tears were streaming down your face and he could hear the heartbreak in your voice. Bobby stood up trying to keep his own tears at bay as he watched the young girl break down in front of him, he grabbed you by your wrist pulling you into a bone crushing hug as you sobbed into his shirt. The two of you stood like that until your sobs subsided, leaving you with sniffles every few seconds.

Bobby pulled away and grabbed your face “you are a smart, strong, beautiful young lady. And after all you’ve been through you deserve all the love in the world, and if dean can’t see that then he’s more of an idjit than i thought” he joked. A small laugh passed your lips and suddenly the need for sleep hit you like a ton of bricks. Bobby seemed to take notice because he sent you on your way upstairs to your room and you made no effort to fight sleep any longer.

just downstairs Bobby pulled out his phone that saw tht he had 14 missed callers from Sam and 27 from dean. He calculated how angry you’d be at him for making the decision he was about to but he’d deal with your anger over heartbreak any day. So he pressed the call back button and listened to the dial tone until deans voice replaced the noise

“Is she with you” he asked urgently, Bobby noted the sound of deans engine in the background as well as Sam asking if it was Bobby that called.

“Yeah she’s here, and you’d better have a damn good excuse for her showing up the way she did” Bobby said in an authoritative tone.

“I’m not 100% sure but i have a theory” dean replied with a distracted tone. “I don’t care what you do or don’t have. You get here and you fix it you understand boy?” “Yes sir” dean answered. Bobby then hung up, dean knew he was in deep shit if he couldn’t make things right with you

[bruh-anator3000]

im obsessed with the Black Cat, I hope that's clear, too. and Miguel. And Logan and Wade, so what if we mashed them all up in a blender and see what happens?

Edit: I didn't mean for this one to get so out of hand, but it did, so its a short story now I guess.

Warnings: sexual themes, hella suggestive, SPOILERS HINTED from the new Deadpool, tension sexy styles, I might get Gambit '97 involved so we can listen to '4 big guys' for part two, it is a love triangle/square, trust and don't worry. Everyone's bisexual. No pronouns for reader used, but written w fem!reader in mind, that's why I'm saying bisexual, but this could just be gay for my amabs.

Parinings: Black Cat!reader x Miguel O'Hara x Logan Howlett x Wade Wilson (uh-huh. I said what I said)

~~~◇◇◇~~~♡♡♡~~~◇◇◇~~~♡♡♡~~~◇◇◇~~~♡♡♡~~

Like, you didn't want to bring your roommates along with you for this heist. God. You didn't even want their sticky fingers on the paper plans. But you were running low on rent, Blind Al was a bitch now that they suspended her coke supply, and your normal crew got sick!

Dr. Boris Korpse was the smartest man alive. He could hack any system, jimmy any lock, and blew the ones he couldn't up. Bruno wasn't the brightest, but he was the bravest. And he had the muscles to prove it. He was a great getaway driver, too. And they were sick.

Wade was smart... enough. Logan was... decently strong. Logan was more of a brute, actually. Careless with his strength when it came to it, but trusting Wade Wilson to drive you home safe? With his self destructive streak? It was safer to have him do the code cracking. Hopefully.

"I wonder how many people caught the earlier exposition is from the actual comics," Wade grunted under his mask, typing in a special security code into the keypad.

Looking around with furrowed brows, he did realize it was just you three, right? You glanced at Logan, wondering if he understood what Deadpool was saying. He only gave a slight shake of his head.

"It's a quick in and out," You reminded the two, walking past the gates as the hissed open, thanks to Wilson. How he knew the password so easily, you didn't know. He said something about 'writer being too lazy to build up to the reveal,' which made it 'easier to follow if he just knew.'

Logan grunted as he followed. It frightened you how well he could retain the plans you've gone over so many times this week. It was great for him, and for you! But also sucked, because they guy replacing your 'smart guy' still needed a refresher.

You take your stance beside the large bars hiding the painting. Idly looking around while Logan let out a primal roar as he pried the gap between the metal bars wider.

"I bet that's what it sounds like when you're close, huh?" Wade snickered, pinching the yellow fabric on his hips. You cringed for several reasons. Wade's constant immaturity. And, God's above, Logan's ridiculous outfit.

Honoring the X-men or not, the yellow was as bright as a trafficlight.

You slipped through the widened gap now, ignoring Wade's whistle behind you. "You do realize this is supposed to be a silent mission?" You sneered, now on the other side of the enclosure.

Wade shrugged. "Don't worry, peaches. Nothing bad ever happens to the sexy ones. Logan might get left behind, but you and me?" His mask hid the way he bit his lip and winked. It looked like he was just staring at you.

"Alright." You sighed and moved on. That was the best way to handle these two. They gave you no other choice. I mean, you could give in and fuck them, but you were planning to save that for later if they did a good job tonight.

With the painting carefully removed, the bars bent back in place, and Wade managing to keep his pants on for a few minutes, all that was left to do was leave. You had Logan carry the painting as you all ran back to the World War 1 exhibit - the way you entered through.

You made sure the two were in front of you the entire time. You couldn't risk them getting lost, their bulk and dead brains might break something if you weren't watching them carefully. And the red and blue lights glowing as you ran past were not any help.

You stopped dead in your tracks. That wasn't your normal bisexual lighting. There were no sirens, either.

You jogged back a few paces, stopping by the archway of one of the many halls in the museum. Face to face with the digital glow of a blue and red mask.

"Hey Spider," Grinning softly, you leaned on the doorway. The Spider-Man hung upside-down on his red wire webs, per usual. You didn't need to see his sexy face to see that stoic pout he always wore.

"Good evening." He greets in that deep voice, hinting with an accent you loved. The red outlines of his eyes squinting as you boop his nose. "Are we really going to do this tonight?" He scowls, and you swoon.

He flips down, landing on his feet. Broad shoulders and thin waist beautifully extenuated by the suit that was more code than fabric. Towering over you, red blades on the back of his forearms.

"At least take your mask off," You taunt. To which he does. When has Miguel ever denied that request? As infuriating as it was, it was also a very freeing day when the two of you finally put the suits aside and fu- talked. In bed.

His brown curls looked neat today. Dark red eyes watching your every move. That pout on his sharp angled face was too cute. He was so grumpy all the time.

He glances behind you, leaning over slightly to look at the damage you've done. "Portrait of Madame X?" He notes the missing piece of work. Thick brow arching in suspicion.

You shrug. "She's an idol of mine." An idol worth 20 million to your buyer. But he didn't need to worry his pretty little head about the details.

"Do you want a 10 second head start?" He offers, placing a hand by your head and leaning in. Keeping you between his hard chest and the wall. His lips parted with a slight smirk.

"Bub, where'd you go?" Logan's gruff voice grows closer. Wade skipping alongside him. Both of them stopping dead in their tracks at the sight of Miguel.

His mask quickly ripples into place and he steps back, snarling. "Who are you?" His eyes dart to the painting you were supposed to be stealing, in some other man's hold. Keeping his body towards and more in between to block you from the other two, he snarls.

"I am soaking wet right now." Wade groans softly, admiring this little stand off. He wasn't kidding, Spider-Man had been in his 'hit' list for a few years now.

Miguel bristles, back going tense. And as great of a view that was, you knew it meant trouble.

"No, they're with me." Grabbing his broad and beefy shoulder, you push him back. Accidentally putting yourself in the middle of this odd triangle you've created.

Miguel glowers at you. "My regulars were out. I needed an extra hand." You shrug it off. That's all they were. Extra hands. In a heist. You totally weren't going to make out with them on the car ride home.

Tension thick, your shoulders weigh down as you look at all three of the men. A tinge of embarrassment hits you as you realize how similar their figures looked. You definitely had a type.

Wade breaks it up, or attempts to with another sentence you don't exactly understand. "Jesus, if the writer would get over themselves, I would fuck you two so hard." He gestures to Logan and Miguel. Earning an angry grunt from both of them that just seems to further his excitement.

"I'm so pissed we have to wait for a part two."

"Part two? Of what?" You raise a brow, looking at Wade.

He waves a hand. They don't get it.

...

But you do. And if you want a part two, please let me know! This was just an idea festering (that got out of hand a little) and I'm not sure what to make with it just yet. I also need a title for this, so if you guys have any suggestions, please let me know. Love you!

[megalony]

Beautiful Destruction

This is a new Evan Buckley series I am hoping to work on, I hope everyone will like it. Feedback always spurs me on and makes my day, let me know what you think.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem@sj-thefanthefan@hellsdragon@im-an-adult-ish@crazylittlethingg@allauraleigh@onceuponadetectivedemigod@ceres27@avyannadawn@sleepylunarwolf@coverupps@justagirlthatlovedtoread @musicistheway @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @luula @missdreamofendless @bradleybeachbabe @woderfulkawaii  @amberpanda99 @daggersquadphantom @marvel-and-chicago-fan @angryknightstatesmantrash @minjix @lyjen @kmc1989 @itsmytimetoodream @noonenuts @hiireadstuff

911 Masterlist

Part 2

Summary: Evan's self-destruct behaviour lands him in therapy, where he connects with (Y/n). Everything starts changing when she transfers to the 118 and their worlds collide.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I thought it was you,"

A shiver ran down the base of Evan's spine and his fingers curled tighter around the paper cup in his hand.

He recognised that voice. He had heard that voice somewhere before; it was like trying to recall a memory hours after waking up. But Evan did know her. He had heard that sweet tone before, it was like a lullaby in the back of his mind.

His head turned to the right and his chest tightened for a moment when he felt a hand trail across the back of his shoulder and around his arm. He watched her move, swiftly, angelic, until she was standing on his left in front of the refreshment table with him. He noticed the height difference first; she barely came up to his shoulder and that rung a distant bell in the back of his mind. But when her head tilted up and he caught sight of those eyes, his lips quirked into a smile.

The Christmas party.

That was where he had heard that voice and seen those mesmerising eyes before. She was the girl he went home with.

Evan could barely remember that party if he was being totally honest with himself. He hadn't been on shift and the party had been held at a different station for a change. Evan had downed one too many drinks, giving himself liquid courage to talk to anyone who approached him. This girl had been the one. She struck up a conversation with him and before he knew what was happening, he found himself dragging her out of there.

He didn't know how he managed to find his way home but somehow they got there alright. The rest of the night was a blur, but it didn't take a genius to guess what had happened. It was what usually happened when Evan found himself drinking away his anxiety and going on self destruct.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Her voice serenaded Evan until he realised he was staring down at her with a tender smile, but not actually saying anything or acknowledging her.

His heart did another leap in his chest when she darted her eyes around before leaning in close to whisper, "Fire hose, right?"

Oh God, what had he said to her that night?

That was a nickname he got when he was first on the job and it wasn't something that had stuck, thankfully. Evan must have been a lot worse off than he thought.

His lips pulled into a worried smile and he tilted his head down and tried to control his hands so he could pour some coffee into his empty paper cup. His tongue darted out over his lips and he leaned across, silently filling her own cup when she held it out to him.

"I told you that, huh?"

"Not quite… that's the name you put with your number in my phone." It was hard for (Y/n) to stop her lips from curving into a grin around her cup as she took a swig of coffee. She had been pleasantly surprised to look through her phone the next morning and find that instead of his name, that was what he decided to save his contact number as.

"Let's change it to Evan, shall we?" He dragged his eyes over her shirt for a second before he looked back up at her smile.

(Y/n). Her name was (Y/n), he could remember that now.

Her number was in his phone but in his drunken state, Evan hadn't remembered to add her name in. They had exchanged a few messages since their hook up at Christmas, but neither of them had met up again. The Christmas and New Year period were very hard for their line of work and kept them both busy.

"I um, I haven't seen you here before. Are you okay?"

(Y/n) brushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she turned her back to the table and looked over towards the middlle of the hall. The chairs were just being set up into a rough circle and the usual members of the group were plodding in. Not many people got a drink before their session started, everyone usually found their selected seat and got sat down straight away.

She hadn't seen Evan here before. (Y/n) hadn't been to many meetings, she started coming just before Christmas and Evan hadn't been here then or anytime since.

She debated reaching her hand out to touch his shoulder but refrained herself and moved her arm to wrap around her chest instead.

"My sister thought I could use some help, reccomended this place." Evan wouldn't have chosen to come here of his own volition, but he would do anything for his sister. And to stop her worries and calm her down, he came here when she gave him the leaflet and suggested it at least three times.

"I'm glad you're here."

Her words took Evan by surprise. His eyes followed her as she started to walk towards the seats, leaving Evan behind her with a loose jaw and swirling emotions flooding through his pupils.

With his cup in one hand and his other hand tucked into his back pocket, he followed after her with a slow pace and his heels dragging against the polished floor. He watched everyone take their seats and he moved to the empty space which just so happened to be directly opposite (Y/n).

It gave Evan a perfect view of the girl he had thought about more than once over these past few weeks.

He leaned to the right and placed his cup down beside his chair before he tried to get comfy. His back slouched down, his knees spread wide and his hands clasped together, hanging between his thighs. He didn't know how to sit or what to do with himself.

And Evan found his eyes dancing across to (Y/n) more than once.

She was sat with her legs crossed beneath her and her back set straight. Both her hands were planted on her knees and made her look like she was meditating, and maybe she was. Maybe that was her way of staying calm and getting through these sessions.

There weren't many people who enjoyed meeting a group of strangers and talking about their problems.

"Okay, we have a new face among us today. Would you like to introduce yourself?"

Evan lifted his head and looked around the room again. Everyone was sat down now, there were nine other people and the group leader here. He didn't want to be called out. It made him feel like he was back in school, like he was the new kid. He stuck out like a sore thumb to everyone here when all his life, Evan only wanted to fit in.

He stretched his fingers out and started to rub his palms up and down his trousers, wiping the sweat off his hands that were now cold and numb with panic.

He could feel his heart hammering away in his chest and the leaflet crumpled in his back pocket was burning its way through to his skin like he was sat on a meteorite.

"My name's Evan." He smiled despite himself and did a quick, unsettling sweep around the room, taking in the faces of the other nine people sat here with him.

Evan wasn't one for big introductions and he didn't know if he was supposed to go off into a big tangent straight away or wait until his turn. Evan needed to know how they did things here, what their sense of normal was and how he was supposed to act and open up. Were there topics they talked about? Was he supposed to say whatever was on his mind? What should he do?

"Welcome. We're all glad you're here."

Somehow, he doubted that. Evan doubted everyone in this hall would be pleased to have a new, unfamiliar face here to learn their secrets and terrors and silently judge them. He could just feel the unease they were all trying to keep well hidden. A stranger was sitting among them, they would have to open up to someone else who was new and strange and possibly a threat or a danger to their sanity.

The only thing that was calming Evan down from a panic attack was the fact that he knew someone here.

(Y/n). She was here, she had a reason for being here and she was getting help the same way Evan was now trying to do. This was a new world but Evan wasn't totally alone here like he thought he would be.

"I know it might be daunting, your first time here. Do you want to explain why you've decided to come today?"

Evan scrutinised the name written in biro on the session leader's name tag. Harold. He didn't look like a Harold, the name didn't suit him. He was a tall, lanky man in his forties with a receeding hairline and thick rimmed glasses that took up too much of his face. But he seemed kind. His eyes were compassionate which was something Evan didn't see a lot of.

With pursed lips, Evan straightened up in his chair and dug his nails into his knees to try and calm down the panic radiating through his system.

"I… I'm spiralling again, and I don't know what to do. My sister told me about this place. She uh, she found me passed out with bottles and broken picture frames scattered around, and I don't remember why."

His hand brushed beneath his nose before he leaned back and clicked his spine into place.

It hadn't been one of Evan's proudest moments, waking up sometime in the afternoon with Maddie hovering over him. He had fallen asleep on the couch, at least three different spirit bottles lying empty on the floor around him and most of his pictures broken and scattered on the floor. And Evan couldn't remember why he had gone into a rampage or what had set him off. He didn't remember most of the night.

Maddie gave him a choice. He started coming to meetings and tried to let people help him, or she would be round his apartment every day to keep an eye on him.

He wouldn't worry her like that so here he was.

"And what do you do, when you spiral?"

Evan wished he wasn't the first person to be talking today. He wanted to know why everyone else was here, what their triggers were and how they fell out of control.

This group was generalised. It wasn't an alcoholics anonymous or a gambling session or narcotics. It was for a range of people who worked within the emergency services. People who had stressful jobs who were struggling, mostly due to the job but also just because of life. This was a counselling session to try and help people learn different ways to cope and have an outlet to talk.

"I get destructive."

"How so?"

"I binge drink, usually when I'm anxious…" Evan let his eyes lift up from his hands for a few seconds. Long enough to latch his eyes onto (Y/n) and find that she was looking right at him. They seemed to be thinking the same thing.

Christmas. He had been drinking a lot at the Christmas party.

Was (Y/n) part of his self destruct that night? Did he take her home because he needed an outlet?

Then again, (Y/n) hadn't been her best self either. Did she do the same to him?

"I don't… I don't always care about my safety. I'm a fireman and I, I'll run into any situation without thinking it through. I guess, I see myself as disposable. Who cares what happens to me, right?"

Evan knew he had people who cared about him. He had his big sister, he had Eddie who was like a brother to him and he had Bobby and Athena who were like his surrogate parents, but that didn't help as much as Evan wanted it to. His life was never cared for, his sister raised him when his parents couldn't find the will to care about what happened to him.

People used and disposed of Evan like he was nothing, all of his relationships proved that.

When he spiralled, he got to the point of being at ease with running into a burning building and knowing he might not come back out. He didn't always listen to Bobby's orders, he went off of what he thought he should do and he acted before he could think everything through. Evan lived his life like dying wasn't a real problem.

He played roulette with his life and the possibility of getting hurt didn't phase or worry him like it should. He went numb to it after a while.

"What triggers these spirals, Evan?"

"The people around me. I get so scared of losing them… a friend of mine got hurt on the job and he almost died. He has a family, people who depend on him, but if it had been me, that would have been easier for everyone else."

Evan had gone off the rails when Eddie got shot a few months back. When he wasn't looking after Chris, he was drowning his sorrows and becoming less and less cautious and safe when he was on the job. If he had been the one to get shot, Chris's safety and environment wouldn't have been in danger. He would still have had Eddie come home to him. Eddie's parents weren't the best, but they cared about him.

No one would have to worry if it was Evan who had been shot. He wished he could have taken that bullet. It might have changed things for his own parents as well as how he viewed himself.

Harold seemed to sense that Evan wasn't willing to say much more about it before he nodded and shifted to face the rest of the group, taking the attention off of Evan.

"Thank you for sharing. Can anyone else relate to this self-destruct mode?"

"Sometimes."

(Y/n) bowed her head and started dragging her nails across the back of her hand, scratching the few scabs on her knuckles until they flaked off. She could understand Evan's need to have a drink and wash away the panic. She could relate to going on shift and becoming less self-aware and more open to the idea of being hurt.

"(Y/n), go ahead." The surprise was clear in Harold's voice. The past two sessions, (Y/n) had been as quiet as a door mouse and refused to speak. And the previous session, she had only said that something had happened at work. She wasn't willing to expand on that or explain how it made her feel and no one had pushed her.

But hearing Evan open up despite this being his first session, and relating to his situation, made (Y/n) more willing to talk today.

She dropped her legs down so her feet were touching the floor and kept her eyes on her hands. (Y/n) never knew where to look when she spoke and nine times out of ten, she ended up having awkward eye-contact with someone while she reeled off her monologue.

"I don't want to say how I self-destruct… but I'm willing to explain why."

"That's okay, tell us what's been going on."

"I'm a firefighter too and, we had a call out a few weeks ago… burning building, the usual evacuate tactic. But I got trapped, I needed help and a guy on the team, he chose to help someone else. I mean, I was okay in the end, I got out myself but… it cemented things for me."

"How so?"

"It proved they didn't pick me; my team were never going to pick me. No one had my back, you know?" (Y/n) rolled her lips together and swiped her sleeve across her eyes to collect the tears starting to fall. "How do I go back to work knowing it's me looking out for myself? So I destruct, and I- I don't want to, I don't want to be in pain but I think, if I destruct, someone will notice. Someone will have my back and stop me. No one does."

(Y/n) didn't want to explode on herself. She didn't want to end up hurting herself and putting herself in harm's way and rushing into a tough scene at work when she should hang back and wait. But the more she destructed herself, the more she thought someone would notice.

Someone would come to her aid and hold her and tell her it was okay because they had seen her and they would look out for her. And when no one came to her aid, the cycle repeated itself.

"Have you spoken to anyone at work about it?"

(Y/n) nodded. She wasn't willing to open up about that either. She didn't want to see their judgement if she told them she had requested a transfer to a different station.

It wasn't just because she had been left in danger, it was the fact that no one seemed willing to help her.

(Y/n) had begged for help over the radio, she was trapped and couldn't get out and the fire was directly above her on a floor that was about to collapse. She had to fight her own way out of that building. She couldn't go back to working alongside people who weren't willing to look out for her. (Y/n) wasn't able to always look out for herself in every situation and she couldn't keep defending herself when a team was supposed to share that effort and care for each other.

"And that's what irritates you, that need to be seen and heard and picked, to have someone put you first."

Harold's words sparked something within Evan and he couldn't stop himself from looking up at (Y/n). He clamped his teeth down on his tongue to refrain from speaking. It wasn't his place to talk or add an input, he was here to listen.

But he was so desperate to tell her.

To tell her that he would have her back. He would pick her, he would put her first if she was on his team. If she worked with him, (Y/n) would never have to fear that no one would come back for her. The 118 would have her back any day of the week, at work or not. She would never have to put herself in harm's way to be seen by them.

(Y/n) lifted her head but she was taken back by Evan's piercing gaze that tore through her. It was like he was trying to send her a silent message but she wasn't getting what he was saying.

Her hands started to scratch along her thighs and she looked down at her knees as she nodded.

"I just… I don't see how you can pick and choose. If we start deciding who lives and who dies, we shouldn't be in the job anymore." (Y/n) knew certain situations meant they had to pick who was a priority and who to help, but it wasn't always like that.

No one chose to come back for her, no one thought it was their duty. They decided (Y/n) wasn't worthy, they didn't pick her and they chose to stand back and to help someone else. Why was it okay to choose to go against her but it wasn't okay to choose to help her?

Their job was to save everyone, not be selective. The day they became selective over their casualties was the day they needed to quit.

"Am I not worth saving?"

"Everyone is worth saving, and that's why you're here. So we can save you."

(Y/n)was happy when the session ended. She liked coming here, talking things through helped, especially when she knew what she said was confidential and she never saw these outside of the meetings. It meant she wasn't at risk of them passing on what she said to other people in her life.

She slung her bag on her shoulder and walked towards the hall doors, throwing her cup in the bin before she walked out into the hallway. Everyone else was still inside grabbing a drink or having a little chat before they left.

(Y/n) crossed her arms over her chest and looked around, unsure whether to stand and collect herself here in the silent corridor or whether to just start her walk home.

"Hey," Her body jumped when a soft voice spoke in her ear and a hand landed on her shoulder.

She jolted to the left and looked up to see Evan towering over her, a timid smile on his face that made him look like a gentle giant. Her eyes followed him as he leaned his shoulders back against the wall and pressed one foot into the wall. His calm, relaxed stance made the tension fade away from (Y/n) and she nudged her shoulder into his with a small smile before she copied his stance and leaned her shoulders back.

"Hi."

"So… what are the rules here? Is this like AA, keep things anonymous, no talking outside of meetings?"

Evan didn't know how they did things here. He didn't know if things were supposed to be kept anonymous. They knew first names but no one said their last names here and he would guess that no one met up outside this meeting hall.

"I don't know, there's no specific rules about that. Why, wanna go for a drink?" (Y/n) tilted her head back and sunk her teeth down into her bottom lip while Evan slid his hand into his back pocket.

"Maybe."

"Your place or mine?"

Evan couldn't work out if she was being serious or if she was just humouring him and trying to break the air a little. The way she dropped her head onto his arm made him suck in a deep breath and when she looked up at him like that and batted those lashes at him, his knees went weak. He hoped she wasn't joking.

"You know if… if you were on my team, I'd pick you. You're worth saving." Evan dropped his chin down to his shoulder to look at her and he thought he'd said the wrong thing when he noticed her eyes were glazed over.

"Why?"

Her lips pressed together and her chin tilted up to meet Evan halfway when he leaned down to get as close as he could. (Y/n) could feel his nose nudging hers and the look in his eyes was almost frightening. Her head and neck started to shake when she felt his fingertip graze up her neck and around to her chin.

"You don't have to have a reason to be saved." He didn't have to have a reason. There was nothing to say that (Y/n) had to do something worthy in order for people to look out for her and help her. Evan would save her whether she was someone he knew or whether she was a complete stranger.

It was what everyone deserved. Every person deserved to be saved, that was the motto of their job, the rule they lived by. They couldn't pick and choose, they helped everyone regardless of who they were and what they did.

But Evan didn't have to have a reason, he instinctively knew he would always pick (Y/n) if she needed him to. He wouldn't leave her trapped and alone, he would go back for her.

He was surprised by her grip when her fingers scrunched up in his shirt and she reeled him closer until their lips touched.

Evan could taste the coffee on her tongue and the cherry lip balm coating her bottom lip. He could feel her nails scratching into his chest and her body pressing up against his until he was pinned back against the wall. His hands moved to cup her hips, both to keep her where she was and to steady her so she didn't slip against him. His hands scrunched around her curves and his nose bumped hers when he pushed down against her.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

They were two catalysts, ready to combine and explode and errupt all over the place. They weren't in the best mind frames right now and neither of them wanted to use the other. Evan used sex and alcohol and danger to combust and regulate and it wasn't something he was proud of. He didn't want to do that and hurt (Y/n) in the process.

But the way she was kissing him made it hard to resist. He loved the taste of her lips and the feeling he got when he sank his teeth down into her lip. He loved the way her hands grasped his shoulders when he turned them around so (Y/n) was the one with her back to the wall instead of him.

And he loved the feeling of swallowing up her words when she spoke in hushed, breathless pants against his lips. "So, your place or mine?"

***

"Buck, you coming? Bobby's got the new recruit downstairs."

Hen's voice pulled Evan from his thoughts and stopped him from dragging his fingers through his hair to the point he was almost gathering clumps between his fingers.

He lifted his head up and managed a smile, moving away from the table so he could follow her out the kitchen and over to the stairs. He forgot they were getting a new recruit.

In all fairness, Evan wasn't sure he wanted them to have a new recruit at the station. It took him a while to get used to new people and the last few recruits they had hadn't lasted very long. Lucy had been here for a month, if that. Ravi was in and out, always here and there and never around for long. The guy Hen referred to as 'Monday' was definitely out.

No one stuck around for long and Evan liked the team just the way it was. He didn't want to have to make a new friend and try to learn someone else's tactics and ways of doing the job. He didn't want someone else around to get in the way and slow them down and make things difficult.

Evan plodded down the stairs with his hands in his pockets and his head tilted down. He followed a foot behind Hen towards the fire truck where Eddie and Chimney were already gathered and waiting.

"Alright team, this is our newest member of the team, transferred over from the two-ninety. Meet (Y/n)."

Evan's head bolted up so fast he almost got whiplash when that made rang through his ears. His hands dug through his pockets into his thighs and his shoulders tensed up when he locked his eyes on that oh so familiar frame. He dragged his gaze up her body until he was looking into those piercing eyes that weren't holding their usual intrigue and hope.

There was something different in her eyes today; it wasn't quite panic, but it was close.

An almost cocky grin spread across Evan's face as he reached one hand up to rub his jaw and the corner of his mouth. He could feel all the words burning on the tip of his tongue. Every little quick remark and little jibe he could make to tease her and allude to something without actually admitting anything to the team.

He wouldn't do it to embarrass her, it was the playful side of Evan coming out to play. But everything he wanted to say fizzled out when he looked over at (Y/n) and she darted her eyes from side to side like she was trying to tell him something. He didn't know what she was trying to say, but he could see the nervousness radiating through her when she brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"This is Eddie, Chimney, Hen, and that's Buck."

"It's great to meet you all."

"Now I expect you all to make my daughter feel welcome at our station."

Evan could feel his mouth going dry and his throat began to close up as his eyes darted over to look at Bobby.

Oh God. That had to be a joke. Bobby had to be pulling their strings, trying to tease them and get one over on them. This couldn't be his daughter. He never said she was one of them, that she was a firefighter too. Bobby never mentioned what her name was or what she looked like or that she was so close by and about to transfer here.

How had Evan slept with Bobby's daughter- more than once, and not known?

He didn't catch (Y/n)'s last name when he was at the Christmas party, he couldn't have done or he would have known who she was and he wouldn't have taken her home out of respect for Bobby. He didn't know her name at their meeting either because they only said their first names. And no one really had contact outside of meetings.

This was great. He had slept with the Captain's daughter who was now going to be working with them. How could he work alongside her now? How could he remain professional? What was he supposed to do and say?

He didn't realise he was the only one still stood there until he looked up and everyone else was moving away. Hen and Chimney followed Bobby up the stairs, shouting after him and demanding an explanation while their captain laughed and carried on walking. And Eddie directed (Y/n) over to the locker room before he went ahead into the gym.

Moving from his frozen state, Evan picked up the pace until he was jogging past the ambulance and bolting into the locker room. He watched (Y/n) for a few seconds. She was stood with her back to him, putting her things in the locker on the far right that was spare.

"Hey," Evan leaned his right arm on the edge of her locker and jutted one hip out as his left hand moved to rest on his waist. He tilted his head to the side and brushed his forehead against his arm, waiting patiently until (Y/n) closed her locker.

She let herself drop to the left and slump into her locker, binding her arms across her chest. Her head stayed level with his chest and her eyes focused on the chain hanging around his neck to distract herself.

"You… are you really Bobby's daughter?"

"Hm. Is that a problem?" (Y/n)'s tone wasn't crude or insinuating but when she darted her eyes up, Evan could see the worry swirling around in them.

"No! No, but it complicates things… I should have asked your name at the party, I didn't think…" His hand moved from his hip to smooth over his temple. He could feel a headache forming behind his eyes making his upper lip curl in distaste. He shouldn't have let himself get so drunk he would take her home without even getting her last name or knowing anything about her.

"Maybe if I asked you yours I would have realised you were the Buck my dad always talks about."

It wasn't all Evan's fault. (Y/n) didn't ask him his last name either. He had introduced himself as Evan and that was enough. If he said he had a nickname of Buck or his last name was Buckley, (Y/n) might have figured out that he worked with her dad. That he was the kid her dad had taken a shine to and thought of as his son.

"Does Bobby know why you transferred here?" Evan couldn't believe Bobby would be so calm and collected if he knew (Y/n) was here because of what she talked about in their therapy session. He wouldn't be happy if he knew (Y/n) hadn't felt safe with her team and didn't feel like they were looking out for her.

"No. As far as you all know, I'm here for a fresh start with a good team."

"Okay." Evan scratched his jaw and clicked his neck into place before he leaned back down. He pressed s finger beneath (Y/n)'s chin and tilted her head up so their eyes were locked again. "You'll be alright here, we'll look out for you… I'll have your back."

"And I'll have yours." (Y/n) forced herself to smile as she reached her hand out and patted his chest.

That was that, then. They were going to be working alongside each other, and her dad. (Y/n) was integrating into a new team and whatever had gone on between her and Evan was going to be forgotten history. She would look out for him and keep him in line and he would look out for her and have her back. They would help each other out through this and their therapy sessions were going to be interesting.

Pushing off her locker, (Y/n)rubbed her sweating palms over her thighs and went to walk out the room. But she didn't get one foot past Evan before his hand moved out and cupped her chin. His finger stroked along her jaw and his thumb pressed into her cheek as he turned her head back so she was looking up at him again.

Adrenaline ignited in (Y/n)'s stomach and her fingertips started to turn numb when a clouded, hooded look took over Evan's eyes and his lips curved into a smile.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this, either."

(Y/n) braced her hand out on the locker to stop her knees giving way when Evan swooped down and conquered her lips. She could feel his teeth scraping against her lower lip and his tongue swiped out before he started to suck on her upper lip. His fingers stayed caressing her jaw and she felt his other hand hold her hip so he could pull her closer.

Both her hands moved to steady herself on his chest and she drank in each breath he tried to take until she made him dizzy.

Things really were going to get interesting.

[zeninprincess]

rehab; a. hayakawa

wc: 3.6k | aki hayakawa x reader | nsfw 🔞

warning(s): mentions of nicotine addiction 🚬, toxic relationship (aki is neglectful partner, reader is too attached to aki), power dynamic, gaslighting, p in v, cunnilingus, fingering, blowjob, creampie, breeding 🥧

aki keeps saying that you're the one needed him as if he didn't need you when you left him. but then again, maybe you did need him as much as he needed his cigarettes

a/n: purple prose, im trying to expand my english vocabs. sorry if it's annoying. ty for understanding!! also guess what songs inspired me to write this.

i. withdrawal

aki loves to smoke even though he knew it would hurt his lungs, however it's hard not to smoke. he knew it could kill him someday yet he still do the very thing that might end him. smoking traps the man in a vicious cycle of needing to consume and feeling guilty to the point he'd stop smoking for a couple of day but then, withdrawal would hit him hard and before he knew it, he relapsed.

it's a never ending cycle of hurt, guilt, and a desire to burn. its addicting and when it hits you, it hits hard. to say that you hate that aki has an addiction to something as bad as cigarettes is an understatement, although you yourself is addicted to something else that hurts you. and it was love. you love him even though it hurts you, even when it rips your self worth apart.

you found yourself crying to sleep after an argument, but just like a smoker to nicotine, you can't get enough of him. in the morning you'd come to him and everything will be fine. he’ll pat you on your head and fucks you good. to say you needed him is an understatement but it's not far from the truth. you couldn't shake the feeling that you needed him, almost as if you were addicted to his presence. it was more than just a strong desire; it was a deep-seated need that seemed to consume you.

waking up in the dead of night, you couldn't feel his presence on his side of the bed. the duvet was cold, mirroring his words a few hours ago when you two were screaming at each other over the fact he rarely comes home. the coolness of the duvet being a stark reminder of his absence.

you'd find him on the balcony smoking. he does this everytime he can't sleep. and when he's done he'd flick them out on the street. you watch him as he inhale nicotine and exhale smoke.

perhaps you two are more alike than you've realized. both of you seem drawn to the thrill of danger, the adrenaline rush of near misses. addiction, in its various forms, seems to have a hold on both of you. the highs and lows of your tumultuous relationship, much like the intense cravings and withdrawals experienced by those addicted to substances, keep you both coming back for more. it's a dangerous cycle, fueled by the intense heat of your passion, akin to the burning sensation of aki's cigarettes.

remember, addiction can be a destructive force, and if left unchecked, it can lead to devastating consequences. thrilling sensation and feelings of hunger for love destroys you little by little.

being with aki really deconstructed you as a person. the way he made you feel so lonely yet fills your loneliness it was a paradoxical experience. you also felt that you're the only one who's trying in this relationship, aki acts like a broken radio, echoing nothing back to you. he kept you waiting, hoping he'd say something back or repay your effort but it was met with radio silence. he made you question your desirability with the way he treats you.

he's not a jerk who hurts you physically nor did he fool around with other chicks, sometimes you wish he did so it'll help you hate him and justify your actions. he just doesn't give any attention outside when he's dicking you down, he doesn't really give you praise or express his love to you. he just doesn't care that much. it's torturing you. it really looks like a one sided love to outsiders who don't know that you two are together.

but you're no saint either. aki felt like you were too attached to him, unhealthily. but that feelings of your inability to live without him is a better feeling than being loved by you. he felt alive and sober with you needing him. he loves your effort, though he hated the way you keep uttering phrases like

“do you love me aki?” you ask with puffy eyes.

to him, he's a silent lover only showing how much he loves you through hard love and his own way. he prefers working hard til morning than to cuddle with you after waking up because he wants you to live a comfortable life. he'd rather risk his life killing devils just to get minimum wage than see your feet swollen after taking orders for 6 hours a day as a waitress.

“a question that need not be asked nor answered” he replied as he drew a big one.

“you never took me out on dates anymore” you nagged.

“woman i cook dinner for you every time i'm home, besides it's not safe out there what if some devil eats you alive? what then? i'm not paying for your funeral when we could barely feed ourselves” he said in his neutral tone. you rolled your eyes. “you're not even at home every day aki”

“and you never told me how pretty i am”

“am i just a free dishwasher who you only fuck whenever you wanted?”

“have you ever cuddled me these days?”

“i guess i wasnt wrong when i say you're cheating huh? i guess thats why youre rarely home”

“answer me aki!!”

you were growing desperate after each question. and still he's soundless.

“god i hate you. please let me go aki. please i beg of you” this doesn't feel like home anymore, the strange foreign beauty in front of you didn't even bother looking your way as you paced to the shared bedroom and pack your belongings.

“i'm leaving you for good. goodbye aki, may we never cross paths ever again” you say for the thousandth time as you put on your coat and unlock the entrance to your freedom. hearing the slam of the door he could only sigh knowing you’ll be back.

you always come back.

right?

a week passed by and nothing changed except you're gone now and it's eating aki from inside. he fell deep into a spiraling mess, he didn't eat, did not sleep, he never came home instead he distracted himself by working incessantly. afterall, his sanctuary was gone, and the lingering scent of your perfume stuck inside the 16 by 16 unit you two used to share and it brings him to reality that the only trace of you left was the unwashed dishes and messy duvet from the day you left.

he isn't the same man anymore, he was just a shell of what once was inside. lost in his thoughts which were dominated by you, he sighed. today he's smoking at the park where you two met each other for the first time. ashes fall to the ground. he flicks off the half burned ciggy, he finds it hard to enjoy the cigarette not knowing where you are and who you're with.

you had him blocked off on every social media, you changed your number, cut your beautiful hair to above the shoulder it was a much needed reset. staying in a cheap motel, you found solace in nicotine. aki was right, smoking helped numb the pain and for a moment it gave you the illusion that aki was near you smoking on the balcony like how it used to be.

“may you never forget me aki hayakawa and the pain you've caused me” you muttered under your breath.

ii. anticipation

‘ahh~ ahhnn’

‘s-shoo good!! harder aki harder!!’

“Fffuck” up and down the shaft he copies the rhythm from the video. aki watches you bounce up and down his cock on his phone. you're so pretty all sticky and flustered like that on top of him. his body trembled in pleasure, eyes shut tightly and toes curling as he heard you moan on max volume.

“fuck name i need you so bad” he cried out as he rode the highs feeling the building up orgasm. he reminisce how tight and warm your pussy was around his cock. his heart pounds as he reaches orgasm, he calls out your name, riding the orgasm. in his mind you were there lapping his tongue while going up and down pounding your cervix letting him fill you up with his cum.

the fluid overflows from the tip of his cock to the duvet under him. the video still playing on his phone, he was brought back to reality. sitting at the edge of the bed naked, post nut clarity hits him. aki puts on his boxer before reaching to the bedside table for his cigarette box. seventeen minutes past midnight, aki had found out that the box was empty, sighing he put on his jeans and shirt. he needed a quick fix, thus he went to the convenience store across the street which was a familiar destination.

inside the convenience store, he picked one cigarette between selections of many. he picked the one with cotton candy flavour. it smelled like your perfume that has long gone in the span of 7 weeks. he tried everything in his power to keep the residual odour inside. going as far as refusing to open the window and balcony but it was no use because in the end he had inhaled all the scent.

at the same time you were walking home from the waitressing shift which you took since you needed money to pay rent. kicking the rock on the curbside, you reveal white stocking underneath your miniskirt you had to wear as it's part of the dress code. walking down the street near your old apartment. you stop by a convenience store, a familiar figure was leaning against the glass window. neon lights illuminates the figure. a smoke came out of his system.

his hair were longer, eyebags presents itself, he noticed you walking towards him. was that really you? he thought to himself. you wore a long coat, a mini skirt and a white blouse that hugged your figure just right and your hair, it's shorter now he didn't think you'd look that good in short hair. he knew you'd come back, though a bit longer than what he had anticipated.

your heels clicking against concrete, his eyes glimmering with hope as you get closer and closer. you clutch your handbag tightly. you stand beside him, leaning on the glass window before falling to your knees crying exhausted. aki removed the cigarette on his lips and crouched down to your level.

“i hate you but i don't have anywhere else to stay” you confessed, chin resting on your knees. “you have me. i'm where you're supposed to stay at” he said, hesitating to pat your back. as excited as he might be, he couldn't express the fact that his longing for you had ended the second you made eye contact with him.

you tilt your head towards him, “i missed you”

“come back to me doll” he say as he opened his arm far and wide waiting for you to fall into his hug to which you didn't take a second to do. you cried in his arms. you keep relapsing back to him no matter what you do. it's a bad habit yet you don't mind if you destroy your life chasing the never ending fire.

you took his hand and walk back to your forever home with him.

iii. relapse - intoxication

he kissed you incessantly on the way there, groping you all over your curves. as soon as the door closed he took your coat off and ripped open your blouse. buttons flew everywhere. still kissing you, his tongue explores your cave, one hand cupping your cheek, the other one fondling your breast. he broke the kiss for a moment to regain his breath.

“let me show you the way i love you dollface”

he sucks on your neck leaving a red mark, grinding his hardness on your exposed black laced panties. your skirt rode up to your navel, aki pinned you to the door. “mmm aki~” you cooed as he bury his face on the crook of your neck.

he picks you up in the bridal style to the bedroom. you sprawl yourself onto the sticky duvet, god knows what's making it sticky. ugh. your attention snapped back to the man who's pinning you on all fours. chills send down your spine as you're half naked. the room was dark. the only thing that illuminates the room was the moonlight.

“aki i know you want me but-” you paused, parallel to his hand that were fondling your mounds. “i'm here to crash not to stay”

“yeah yeah keep yapping angel i know you” his pepper kisses on your mound felt like a rapid fire. using your free hand you unzipped his pants, freeing his member. “you think you can leave me that easily? nuh uh baby. you're addicted to me” that cocky remark really did something to you because now your folds are soaked.

“shit we got hurricane katrina under here”

after cupping your pussy through your panties he felt how damp it was. he slid it down to your thighs. his index finger circles your clit, you writhe in pleasure, moaning loudly as he keeps torturing your clit enjoying the way you tremble in pleasure each time his plush finger flicks your clit. “ahn- aki!!” you screamed, at this point your neighbours probably has heard your unholy mewls.

he undresses you properly before opening his clothes. you two are naked now. he sat on the bed. leaning himself against the headboard, his cock twitches. aki looks at you, he waits in anticipation as you begin to lubricate your hand with your spit. you pump your fist around his member, he moans as you move your hand up and down. lowering your head, his tip kisses your plush lips. precum overflows, god you are heavenly.

aki is enjoying your sweet time, licking and kissing his cock, worshipping him. he's afraid this feeling might turn into a full blown addiction, he loves the whole thing, the 7 weeks, the emotional turmoil he felt when you left, and the happiness when you came running back to him. he loves your hopelessness, he loves that you're addicted to him, and especially he loves the way you're choking on his cock right now. “s too big akii” tears running down your eyes, yet you keep bobbing your head on his shaft. such a hypocrite.

“you're acting as if we've never done this before baby” he grabs a handful of your hair and slams your head down to his cock. spit and cum pools on your mouth and cheeks. “god you're such ah~” he moans “s-slut” you fasten your pace and sucking on his cock harder to stimulate him. not long after you change pace, thick ropes of cum spurt on your mouth “ffuck” his eye rolls in pleasure.

this was so long overdue, it was what you two needed after all. communication maybe the key to a good relationship but nothing beats a good sloppy head. “you're so pretty. fuck when was the last time we did this?”

“um like 6 fucking months ago? since you're so busy you just go straight to bed” you replied with a hint of annoyance on your tone.

“get on all fours since you wanna be a bitch” he smacks your ass before getting behind you waiting for you to get on all fours. “jerk” is all that you can say before his tongue assaults your folds. and all you can do is shriek in surprise before you melt in his mouth. he flicks his tongue, eating you out, making out with your pussy. his hands grips your rear end you're positive it'll leave a nice red mark in the morning. he pulls out with a hitching breath with a string of saliva being the only reason his lips are still connected to your pretty pink pussy. “god you're so sexy” he watched your trembling body from behind your only response was to pull his head back to your pussy. “you're awful at this aki” feeling challenged, aki enters two digit inside while he sucks on your clit you can feel him smirking when you tremble.

feeling your pussy tightens, he pulls out his digits, denying you the pleasure of cumming. he smacks your ass with his hand again.

“uhn aki why did you do that” you changed position into laying back

he didn't mutter a word, instead he spit on his cock, preparing to enter you. spreading your legs apart. he looks godly like this, with his hair down, sweat trickling down his toned abs, and the way he eye you down like a predator preparing to strike its prey. he smacks his cock on your wet pussy.

“were doing it raw tonight, ill make sure you're pregnant with my bastard after this is done” he said

while waiting in anticipation, you watch him as he spit on his cock, lubricating it so it'll slide easier inside your tight pussy hole. you felt your core burning inside. then he spreads your legs apart, his cock dangling, sticking on your fold. using one hand he guides his long thick erect member inside you. you hissed as he brute forced his way inside of you.

“fuck- that's it baby, take it all” he kissed your forehead before licking your tears away.

“ngghhh aki~ i can't take it anymore”

“shh baby, you're doing so good” he starts moving in and out of your pussy.

fuck, he needed this, more than cigarettes. listening to your mewls and looking at your hair sticking on your bare skin, you drooling, pussy clenching his dick tightly just like the way you hug him, you just can't let go of him.

and it took him all his fibre muscle not to cum right now. you scratch his back just enough to make him shudder in pain and pleasure. he definitely needed to make you a mama. wet sloppy sounds echoing in the small room, mixed with a faint sound of bed creaking.

“aki I cant- I'm gonna-” he cuts you off by sucking your tits. “ahhh fuck. aki I'm gonna cum”

his mouth left your nipples, “yeah you're gonna cum f’me baby?” he looks at you with those puppy eyes of his that he only showed you when he's lovesick.

“fuck name, let's do it together. get pregnant with my kids yeah?” he asks you hoping you'd let him knock you up. your mind was hazy as climax approached you couldn't think of anything else but cumming. “yes! yes aki! please make me pregnant!!” he thrusts deeper before finally feeling how tight your hole is, clenching him tighter by the second. hot liquid fills your womb while you squirt your cum all over his cock. you felt a little touch of death, aki fell on top of you, arms around your waist, cock still snuggling inside of you.

heavy breathing paced between you and aki. he kissed your eyelids, spouting praises and sweet talks. you've never felt so loved before. face buried on his neck you struggled to breath with aki on top of you, and only you can know how nice it felt to be so closed like this even when you're crushed under his weight. aki, noticing the way you struggle to breath moved himself beside you. he grabbed a cigarette from the mahogany table near the creaking bed, he reached for the silver plated lighter adjoining the pack. this habit of cigarettes after sex wasn't unknown of aki.

“i know you'll come back to me eventually” aki fires away his sassy remark while inhaling the fumes. hands extending to his, you reached for the cigarette that sits between the plush pale lips of his. it's your turn now.

“my landlord kicked me out” you confessed. “i don't miss you aki” but this was probably a lie, a snort came out of aki as he eyed you. smoke escaped your lips while you were spatting out those words.

“you needed me name” but maybe aki did need you too, maybe more than you needed him. it's ironic how akis now the one addicted to the burning sensation of you, things have flipped around.

“you're the one that's been babbling about me til now. let's talk about how you actually feel bro. but for starters, fuck you and all of your shits aki. i missed you” sigh escaped your lips

“i want you to need me like you need your cigarettes. i hate to admit this but i'm jealous of the devils you hunt everyday, i wish you'd dedicate your time to me the way you dedicate it to do your job that doesn't even pay you that good aki. is it that hard to do so?”

aki took the cigarette out of your mouth. he sat up, his digits traced your moon lit skin, separating baby hairs that sticks from your forehead. “atleast tell me how much you care about me aki” he laughed at that statement not in a mocking way, but in a playful way.

“im sorry for treating you the way i've treated you”

love can be as addicting as nicotine, it's craving as intense, and withdrawal will always be as painful as a heartbreak. and just like a smoker needs their fix, a lover needs love to fill the absence they feel.

he ruffles your hair, finishing his cigarette.

“thank you”

even when you know all these are just talk no substance, you still feel at bliss. aki himself smiled before he kissed you and one day you'll learn that love doesn't need to feel like a nicotine in the sense of it's addicting. and that sometimes, it's best to let go of the remaining cigarette before it reaches the end of the stick and burns your lips. but for now, bask in the intoxicating warmth and the overwhelming intensity because rehab isn't needed when destruction feels this good.

©️ zeninprincess 2024. reposting, plagiarizing, translating or claiming my works are strictly forbidden.

[hestzhyen]

An Extremely Subjective HakuHiro Romantic Trope Breakdown

Greetings, void. This arc is rough and the brainworms won't let me write my own hurt/comfort fan fiction- they demand half-baked analysis instead of lovemaking. So have the closest thing that passes for fluff from yours truly.

In essence, this is just a list of the explicitly romantic tropes I love applying to HakuHiro with varying degrees of gushing ship babble as justification. Some are definitely skewed hard towards headcanon but there's always at least a tenuous connection to something that's demonstrated in the work itself. Proceed if this kind of brain rot sounds like your jam! Otherwise just please let me die from cringe in peace.

Battle Couple

Offense and support working in perfect harmony.

So this is just one of my personal favourites, but Chihiro and Hakuri definitely have strong vibes for this trope. They fought together in an absolutely stunning display of mutual trust and understanding in the Rakuzaichi Arc. Seriously, these guys pulled off some truly spine-tingly good moves to take down Kyora despite Hakuri only just awakening to his powers the very same day.

They demonstrated this again in the train fight protecting Uruha- Hakuri and Chihiro only need the bare minimum of communication between them to fight in style. I look forward to more chances for them to show off their teamwork! If they end up fighting back-to-back in canon I'll probably just straight up ascend to fudanshi heaven on the spot. I LOVE BATTLE COUPLES.

Love at First Sight/Rescue Romance

"This is the kind of man I need in my life."

Love at First Sight is pretty self-explanatory: person A sees person B and immediately falls head over heels. It's easy to slap that on Hakuri in his introduction chapter- he's only missing an invitation to get to know each other over some coffee when they finally meet up, really. Unless asking someone to help you kill your family is the Kagurabachi universe's equivalent...?

As for Rescue Romance, it's another very simple scenario: person A is saved by person B, which causes them to fall in love. Chihiro saves Hakuri with the other random people at the site of Sojo's massacre attempt, and Hakuri... yeah. You get it.

I think there's a better trope to associate to this later on in the list, but Love at First Sight and Rescue Romance are still apt and very funny tropes to apply towards Hakuri's first impression of Chihiro. The way he waxed poetic over the mystery samurai who saved and inspired him had me in stitches. Seriously, my oldest notes on Hakuri from that chapter are mostly just laughing about him being really passionate about Chihiro for someone who's not intended to be a love interest! Go get 'im, Hakuri. He needs you in his life just as much as you need him in yours.

Mindlink Mates

Don't need to hear each other at all if you just "get" them.

This is something I like to apply as a Fanon concept based on what happens in canon. Hakuri and Chihiro aren't literally linked mind-to-mind via telepathy, but both of them have a deep understanding of what the other's thinking and feeling at any given moment. I really like the concept that they understand everything about each other on an instinctual level. It's mostly fueled by the Aun concepts that have been associated to them, which I'll get into during a later section. But yeah. Hakuri and Chihiro being borderline telepathic in how they can sense the other's status. That's crack cocaine to me and it's not too far removed from canon so I'm running with it.

I also really like the idea of their strong emotions and desires bouncing off of and amplifying each other's, but I don't know if there's a specific trope for that, so it gets placed here at the end of this tangentially related section. Also not something far removed from canon given how they both fuel each other's self-destructive savior tendencies because they feel the same way!

Moe Couplet

They're so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

A Moe Couplet is essentially a pair of characters that enhance each other's cute traits. Separate, they are perfectly fine individuals with their own appeal. Together, they are adorable and capable of some tooth-rottingly sweet moments. This trope isn't typically associated with romantic duos in stuff aimed at general audiences, but it's common in BL as the basis for "fluff" works and wholesome pairings.

This is probably the biggest stretch to apply towards canon on the list, honestly. We haven't seen that much moe moe action from Hakuri and Chihiro- they're kind of busy fighting for their lives or hurting themselves to save others most of the time. But the few moments we get send me straight into cuteness agression-induced brain rot every time I think of them.

Most of this trope label for HakuHiro comes from little details. Like Chihiro often being shown reassuring Hakuri, and Hakuri getting some of the sweetest smiles out of him in return. Hakuri brings out Chihiro's soft side when Char's not around to do so and Chihiro helps Hakuri be his absolute silliest. These guys are are so good to each other! They melt the ice around my cold, dead heart into a slurry of hnnngh and incoherent shipper screeching.

What's it actually based on though? Well, I thought I was just doing normal delusional fudanshi things by thinking Hakuri is extra cute when he's around Chihiro and vice versa. But then Hokazono-sensei threw me a bone in an interview by saying he intended for Hakuri to "bring out Chihiro's personality and add some cuteness". And I. Just. I exploded into confetti on the spot. MOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

One True Love

This ship is not merely an OTP to me, if you haven't noticed.

Note: "ai" is not inherently romantic despite it being the end-goal of pretty much every romance novel out there. It's for deep, profound affection felt for someone- friends, family, even pets. It's rare and not commonly said aloud outside of the climax of a love story is all!

This is mostly tied to Hakuri's experience with love growing up and how he can find out what 愛 [ai, purest and deepest love], really means.

Hakuri probably has no fucking clue what love of any kind is really supposed to look or feel like, much less the ultimate form of it. His father threw ai around as something to manipulate his children into serving the family tradition. Soya used it as an excuse to torture him. This was deliberately done to contrast with the love that Chihiro knew growing up- true ai between father and son, which was cruelly ripped away from him.

So let Chihiro teach Hakuri, and Hakuri provide in return. They're already each other's perfect partners anyway so just put a romantic spin on it!

Hakuri finding unconditional love he doesn't fear in Chihiro and Chihiro finding the same in Hakuri once more. Neither of them ever needing to fall in love again because they slot together so perfectly to fill the gaps in each other's hearts. Oh I'm gonna die...

Opposites Attract

If not meant to be canon, why colour coded as opposite compliments? :thonk:

This is the trope that activates a primitive part of my brain that overrides all thoughts with eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee noises when it comes to HakuHiro. Hakuri and Chihiro are true opposites that are perfectly balanced to contrast and compliment each other, resulting in a duo greater than the sum of it's parts.

Hokazono-sensei made his intentions about Hakuri and Chihiro extremely clear by going so far as to colour code them for us. This is the protagonist and his foil/deuteragonist guy who is Important as Fuck. The level of detail in designing and writing them reads like he took this trope extremely seriously and said "let's save the Hero + Lancer coding for Hiyuki instead". 'Cause as much as I love her, Hiyuki's got nothing on Hakuri when it comes to this trope. Her thing is closer to being the same person as Chihiro with the opposite frame of mind and mode of expression- it's Hakuri and Chihiro who are the true manifestation of Opposites Attract down to the tiniest details. I'm ready to die on this hill so come at me and put me out of my misery.

I mean just look at these guys:

Chihiro: black and red, stoic, reserved, serious and polite, slim and straight profile.

Hakuri: white and blue, emotive, outgoing, silly and casual, loose and boxy profile.

They invert the same ways under pressure; Chihiro stresses and falters while Hakuri focuses and buckles down. Their fucking backstories are in on it too: they both lost their father's love but under distinctly opposite circumstances. Even the love they received was contrasted since Kunishige was a perfectly wholesome dad while Kyoura used love in an abusively manipulative way! And that laid the foundation for the premise of the Rakuzaichi arc- Hakuri wants to destroy his family's legacy while Chihiro still wants to do right by his. It would take a whole 'nother post to list everything between them because every single detail about one is carefully crafted to be present in the other in order to complete their characters. It's absolutely insane and it's what really sold me on the ship.

The level of care put into writing Hakuri and Chihiro as opposites who complete each other is out of this fucking world. I'll feel sorry for whatever girl gets assigned to be a mandatory heterosexual love interest for either of them because there's just no way to compete when two people are written to be so thoroughly intertwined with each other.

(To clarify just in case: I don't think Chiyuki is a bad ship. I'm not trying to trash it and say HakuHiro's better or more legitimate somehow. I just have an issue with shounen romance in general because the girls don't get nearly as much narrative effort to make them compelling companions to the MC compared to the "best friends" and Kagurabachi is doing nothing new in that regard so far. Hokazono-sensei can actually make a bigger impact by refusing to tease Chihiro and Hiyuki at all instead of going down the tired old path of obligated sub-par heterosexual ship tease/romance IMO.)

The Power of Love

Nice Heroic Second Wind you got after thinking about Chihiro there, Hakuri.

So this is definitely skewed towards pure delusion on my part, but that's what we're all here for anyway. Power of Friendship? Never heard of it.

Basically, person A uses their love for person B to power up and overcome the hardship they're facing. In this case, I'm interpreting Hakuri's tendency to think of Chihiro when he's in dire straits as romantic!

Hakuri comes in clutch a lot and his feelings abut Chihiro are the reason he can do it. The memory of his samurai refusing to yield gives Hakuri the strength to keep standing and finally put Soya down in chapter 36. He does it again in a sadder way in Chapter 58 when he thinks of Chihiro and musters the last of his strength to summon him too late to save Uruha. I have no doubt that he'll have more of these moments as the series goes on, too. Chihiro is kind of hope incarnate to Hakuri.

Chihiro's drawn strength from his feelings for Hakuri too, but not in a pinch kind of way like the Power of Love trope typically implies. I'm just waiting for the day when it's his turn to use memories of Hakuri to keep standing (never gonna happen)!

Ship Tease

Putting this here for lack of a better term, but there's a running gag about Hakuri and Chihiro's relationship that's been escalating in intensity since the early parts of the Rakuzaichi arc. It only comes across in bits and pieces in English compared to Japanese, sadly, but I'll do my best to explain it.

Basically, I'm interpreting the jokes about Hakuri acting like a dog as deliberate ship tease for the lols from the author.

"Paw. Shake. Good boy."

It starts in chapter 28 with Hakuri dropping everything he's doing to run over to Chihiro when his name is called. It's really cute and funny and not something that can get lost in translation- Chihiro calls, and Hakuri comes. Just like a loyal dog to it's master.

It's set aside for a while until the Sword Bearer Assassination Arc starts up and Hiyuki drops this banger during the trial in chapter 46:

"But where he [Hakuri] stands is a big pain in the butt. He's not the one calling the shots." - official TL

Of note is the term Hiyuki used to say that Chihiro's the one in charge: 舵取り [kajitori]. The normal meaning for it is "steering a boat" or "helmsman" with the secondary being leader/director, so it's not like the English TL messed up. Same meaning different wording. What's lost is the subtext: 舵取り as Hiyuki's using it can also imply that Chihiro's in charge of Hakuri like the owner of a dangerous guard dog would be lmao. Hakuri kind of earned that jab after threatening to leave her in the storehouse to die if she hurt Chihiro, though.

And then there's this completely unnecessary scene from Ch. 50...

"Who's this? This little squirt smells like Chihiro, but he's not Chihiro."- official TL

The TL again isn't bad here but it really downplays just how fucking weird Samura is (which downgrades the rocket propellant to mere ship fuel). Samura's phrasing about Hakuri smelling like Chihiro was so batshit insane in Japanese that fellow JP shippers felt compelled to reach out to the rest of us in English to let us know, which is almost completely unheard of.

Basically, Samura wasn't saying that Hakuri merely smelled like Chihiro. He actually said that Hakuri was wearing Chihiro's scent, completely enveloped in it to the point of smelling identical to him. A native JP reader (in the link above) said that in their interpretation, the word "まとって [matotte]" isn't really used for friends, but more for lovers, family members, or dogs and their owners in the sense that being so physically close all the time causes their scents to rub off on each other.

It's not a normal term used to describe smelling like someone in the first place. When Samura meets younger Chihiro in the flashback and says he "reeks of Rokuhira", he uses the typical word for "smell/scent" (香り [kaori]) in Japanese. So for some reason we just had to know that Hakuri smelled like Chihiro in the way dog or a lover would, huh... so much so that Samura thought he actually was Chihiro... (I can't get over this, it sends my sides into orbit every fucking time).

So yeah. That's some top-tier ship tease if I do say so myself. What that dog doin'? What did they get up to on the train before meeting with Uruha? That's for us to decide!

Soulmates

It's not exactly hard to see that Hakuri and Chihiro have a bit more going on between them than standard friendship or brotherhood, even for a shounen series. Even some dudebros acknowledged this before the fandom gave over to homophobic trash anyway.

It all stems from Hakuri invoking one of the most potent romantic tropes there is as soon as they meet:

"That day, a samurai lit my helpless existence on fire."

Jesus Christ Hakuri, that's some passion!

I think the "soulmates" trope is the most fitting description of what's going on between Hakuri and Chihiro from the very first time they meet. I'll even go so far to say that it actually has a pretty damn good case for being canon in a platonic sense!

For the uninitiated (like I was), the soulmates trope is invoked when two characters feel a strong and immediate connection upon first meeting each other. It can be one-sided or even completely rejected by both at the start, but they will always find their way to each other since they are fated to be. The whole world falls into kilter when they get together even if they were perfectly functional people on their own before. HakuHiro is this trope to a fucking T in my mind. Absolutely flawless execution, 10/10 no notes.

Hakuri's part is obvious- he sees Chihiro and decides he must have this amazing person in his life no matter what. He feels the pull of destiny and answers the call with an overabundance of enthusiasm.

Chihiro's part is more subtle. He does the one-sided rejection thing at the start by running away, but fate pulls them together via circumstance and he takes Hakuri back with him. And somehow, for some reason, Hakuri is the first person he opens up about his genuine feelings to in a surprisingly raw way:

"If I don't do something, and a sacred blade takes the lives of innocent people... I wouldn't be able to bear that..."

He met the guy minutes ago, tried to run away from him, then decided to bear his heart to him in the elevator. Chihiro's a natural stoic who doesn't show much of what he's feeling and generally keeps thoughts like this to himself. But Hakuri brings out this softer, more vulnerable side to him that no other character has before. Then as the arc progresses, Chihiro comes to rely on Hakuri more and more until it's crazy to think that he ever ran away in the first place. It's like they were always meant to find and save each other.

I'm not looking too hard at this with shipping goggles strapped to my face. We get confirmation that this is what's going on with them via The Word of God Himself:

From the Volume 4 description: 一方、兄からの愛と暴力によって地に伏した伯理。今際の際に脳裏を過ったのは、ある少女との日々だった。極限の中、二人の少年の魂が呼応する。

"Meanwhile, Hakuri is struck down by his brother's love and violence. On the brink of death, he remembers the days he spent with a certain girl. In the midst of this extreme tension, the souls of both boys resonate with each other."

The last sentence is basically more total harmony/Aun imagery for Hakuri and Chihiro. 呼 (ko) means to call and 応 (ou) means to respond. Together, 呼応 means to act in concert. So Hakuri and Chihiro's souls call out and respond to each other in perfect sync when they're in dire straits. It's canon!

If that's not enough, then there's also the Aun imagery. It was left out of the EN Chapter 38 colour page as usual (never gonna forgive the EN version for removing the text), but basically the author used deliberate religious imagery to tell us that Chihiro and Hakuri have an inherently harmonious relationship. A and Un, in perfect sync- whatever one starts, the other will finish. The beginning and end of all things. A perfect pair.

They demonstrate this lethal effectiveness by working in tandem during the storehouse fight, with Chihiro only needing to yell Hakuri's name for Hakuri to perfectly interpret everything he's thinking and execute on it flawlessly. It's absolutely insane stuff even if we disregard Hakuri only woke up to his power less than an hour ago in-universe isn't it?! And they repeated the stunt the next day while protecting Uruha, so it wasn't just a one-off for a cool moment. It's core to their dynamic for their souls to resonate in total harmony!

And just to top it off, we got a funny little gag of Chihiro and Hakuri passing out and waking up at the same time side-by-side after the auction, totally in sync.

All of this within a week of meeting each other.

Some actual romantic soulmate couples don't get this much effort put into coding their relationship, just saying. I also don't think people would be so quick to jump on the sibling interpretation after Shiba's "What are ya, twins?" joke if Hakuri and Chihiro were a heterosexual ship option, just sayin'.

Unknowingly in Love

No sad pictures of dead Kunishige in this post!

This is another one that's far closer to fanon than canon. It banks on the fact that both of them grew up isolated and, quite frankly, probably poorly socialized compared to the rest of the world.

Chihiro lived with just his dad in a remote mountain home and only occasionally visited the town nearby with Shiba. No friends, no school even. Hakuri lived on the secluded Sazanami estate surrounded by his family and saw some of the outside world, but likely only the criminal elements of it. Plus there's the whole growing up only knowing love as something abusive and manipulative thing; even his parent's marriage was strongly implied to be arranged and joyless. Neither of these guys have anything decent in their personal lives to reference from!

So in my mind, while Hakuri and Chihiro have certainly heard of romantic love and thought about it themselves, they wouldn't really have an idea of what it feels or looks like to them. Couple that with being each other's first friends ever and you've got some extremely potent fluff (or angst) about them being unaware that what they're feeling isn't platonic.

You Are Worth Hell

I will follow you into the dark.

And to round things off, one of my favourite romance tropes ever! But it's not canon at all- YET.

You see, Hakuri and Chihiro are constantly pulling each other forward. When one stumbles, the other's there with a helping hand. But what happens when one descends into hell like Chihiro says he's doing this very arc? Will the other try to throw them a lifeline and hope for the best?

Nay! The other will stay by their side out of love.

This trope can veer too close to toxic situationship scenarios for comfort, it's true. Characters staying to "save" someone or letting themself get dragged down at their own expense is not healthy at all. But the core sentiment of this trope is that anything is bearable if you're with the one you love. The emphasis isn't on the mutual suffering but rather the comfort of being together despite it all.

My personal interpretation of the relationship between Hakuri and Chihiro is that one was born in hell (Hakuri) and the other has condemned himself to it (Chihiro). Hakuri's trying to rise up while Chihiro has consigned himself to sink further into the darkness. They met at at a crossroads on their respective journeys and are walking together for a while. And when Chihiro takes a turn to keep going further down, I think Hakuri will stop him from going too far. Hakuri will be the light in the gloom until the mission's over. Then they'll figure out if they can make it back up or not. And if they can't? Well, he was already at rock bottom before Chihiro came into his life. It's worth it to stay in hell at his side and face everything together.

So I think this can apply very well to HakuHiro as the current arc progresses. Hakuri choosing to stay as a partner to provide support rather than trying to save Chihiro at his own expense would be huge character growth for him. And Chihiro accepting Hakuri's gesture would be growth for him too- he doesn't have to do this alone. There's no truly Bad End for their stories if they are walking side-by-side to face the hardships together until the end.

That's it. If you got through all this, thanks. Yap at me about tropes I missed! I love hearing the myriad ways other people interpret this ship. Unless you think fixed left-right boring seme/uke stereotype ChiHaku is the only valid interpretation, in which case we can never be friends. Sorry not sorry.

[lovebvni]

" ITS BRUTAL OUT HERE " - pick a pile

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[ 🖊 ] created ⋮ 14.8.22

[  ] published ⋮  14.8.22

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┊       ⋆     welcome to my blog !

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hey loves, so because i 1, got new tarot decks, and 2 want to call you guys out, im doing this. also - heads up before i even start - spirit said there's gonna be a pile where there are little/no callouts bc they're actually doing great. just some advice/motivation to keep them going

Hello! Welcome to a pick a pile. This is a general reading, everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Hundreds of people may read this, everything I say in your pile(s) may NOT resonate. Today we don't have questions. we're just going callouts. so prepare yourself, i know some of yall are soft.

along with these questions i will give things that may draw you to your pile. the alice in wonderland tarot has different cards but pretty much the same meaning. dont be shocked if instead of the hanged man i say suspention or something like that. i will be using tarot and oracle cards.

now please take everything with a grain of salt!

breathe in, now out, now pick a pile or two.

pile 1 ; pile 2 ; pile 3

hi pile 1!

confirmation for your pile: lowkey funny, life 'falling apart', consequences for your actions, business man/woman, equality, cycles, bakugou, passion, 'im always right, i know what im saying'

oracle: you are good enough - full moon in virgo

tarot: the hierophant, temptation, 7 of flowers, 5 of spears reversed, 9 of flowers

alright bros, the first thing i have to say is 1, you're not always the cause. bad things happen to good people and i know it sucks but it helps you grow. if only good things happened then you'd probably be boring as hell. i hear some of you guys can be because you cant keep a conversation going. the thing is, you may be a victim MOST OF THE TIME but that doesnt mean ALL THE TIME!! you can be wrong in an argument, you can be right in an argument. but it changes. you're a very driven, smart, confident person in most areas but that doesnt mean because you're the right person to be a firefighter but not a baker. 7 of flowers is saying dont back down from the things you KNOW you are right in, but when someone makes a valid point. take it, it can help you. being passionate is a good thing, but dont be ignorant.

temptation is something thats drawing you in, that one day will be negative. maybe its joining the football team but you'll get a serious injury. do not let anyone or anything tempt you that has high risks for pain in the long run. im not saying dont join that football team, but dont put yourself into situations that wont benifit you in the long run. there's a good and bad to everything. do not fall into or back into negative energies/things that didnt help you before. they sure as hell wont help you now

ngl i have no idea what this pile means during the second part

pile 2

alright so confirmation: tired, faking happiness, evolution, "PUT THOSE GRIPPERS AWAY", hawks, manifestation, abuse, Christmas, MHA, movies, memories, nsfw content, love desire, caring heart, makeup, procrastination, seven deadly sins

oracle: a time for healing - balsamic moon, expect powerful chance - new moon eclipse

tarot: 10 of spears, 7 of flowers, 3 of hedgehogs

so this is the pile whos done mostly nothing wrong. when i say mostly, i mean bc everyones made at least one mistake in their life. ofc theres still a callout. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! STOP BELITTLING YOUR PAIN, YOUR TRAUMA, THE THINGS THAT HURT YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY EVERY SINGLE DAY!! let go of the past, its gone. its ending. get over it. that friend isnt coming back, they weren't right for you. let go of the past, accept it, and move forward. thats just some advice.

pile 3

hey pile 3

confirmation: false/negative manifestations, intrusive thoughts, self destructive behavior, gay, peaches (that one song omg), yung gravy, emotions, love, communication or lack of communication, birthdays, parties, celebrations

oracle: believe in the impossible - blue moon

tarot: 2 of cups, 4 of flowers, knight of teacups reversed

okay i got flowers in every pile, anyways this piles energy is of a pair.. two people or two piles? maybe you picked another pile. but its a harmonious pair. you guys may be for a long time, maybe shifting together, maybe you work on a lot of projects together? i heard you guys dont talk much but when you do its fun. you guys are a great pair. hold on to each other. i feel like once this pile overcomes toxic/negative behaviors they will shift. it depends on how fast you get rid of them/start manifesting positively.

change the way you see things, the emotions and reactions you have to things that happen. if you wake up in your cr and not your dr say something like "bro what?? why am i in my cr? thats odd, hasnt been like this before." see everything that happens in a different light. if you think that you saw something that was a sign btw, it was. take it and use it how you think its fit. use your talents, you know you can! practice the fun things you want to do one day. practive makes perfect!! get off your ass and do something. vent through an art form. you dont have to use words. you're doing nothing right now. you NEED to do something, but take a break from stressing yourself. its not helping anything

[celaenaeiln]

Do you think (I hope this doesn't sound as if I hate the batkids but im just genuinely curious), if the bat kids (Jason, Tim, Damian, Steph, etc) came earlier, like Robin Dick and Batman when they have still a rather good(?) relationship and before Dick leaving and before canon time of Bruce meeting Jason) met Bruce, will he take them in and/or adopt them?

Tbf, Dami is biological son so Bruce might take him in either way, but what do you think?

No it doesn't sound like that at all! :)

Honestly I don't think it would've mattered if any of the robins had met Dick and Bruce when they had a good relationship. First of all, Bruce only took in Jason because he missed Dick and wanted a Robin. So if Dick was still with Bruce, Bruce would feel no desire or thought to take in anyone. Furthermore, Jason isn't the first troubled talented kid that Bruce has met over the years. Bruce and Dick have been solving cases and helping such kids for years so Bruce taking in Jason during Dick's absence was more of a "right place at the right time" sort of thing.

For similar reasons, that's also why he wouldn't have taken in Tim. Bruce took in Tim under Alfred and Dick's encouraging and also because Tim made a good point about Batman needing a Robin. B was literally killing himself through self-destructive techniques because Jason died and grief does that to people. He lost a robin. If Dick had been the one that died during his Robin years, then Tim might have ended up Robin but it's debatable because he would've been younger than 13 at the time. But if he waited until he was old enough, then Bruce would've killed himself in grief by then. However since Dick is still alive, healthy, and on great terms, Tim wouldn't have entered the picture. Although, if he worked up the nerve to reach out to Dick sooner, Dick would've had a new baby brother a lot earlier.

Stephanie only became Robin because Bruce was trying to manipulate Tim to come back. He knew that Tim would hate him if he endangered his loved ones so by making Stephanie robin, Tim would have to return because he knows the dangers of being Robin. So no Tim, no Stephanie.

Damian. Damian would become Robin and that's canon! THERE'S ACTUALLY A SAME AGE DICK AND DAMIAN STORY!!!!

In this story, Talia suddenly drops off Damian with Bruce and he finds out that his father has another kid-Dick. It's a heart warming story of them getting to know each other with Raven, Gar, and Maxine.

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #1

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #1

When the tracker doesn't work he gets really worried so he calls Bruce about it. And Bruce is just like, "Whatever, it'll be fine, Dick. He was raised by assassins, he can take care of himself. I need to go."

But Dick is in full Big Brother Mode. So what does he do? He spies on Damian through CCTV cameras and then gets even more worried that Damian might be kidnapped or involved in something dangerous because oh my god there's random people whose identification don't come up with Damian.

So Dick then rushes out of the manor and goes on a road trip, tracking him down. Damian's friends are surprised and creeped out to see a guy and when Damian looks, he is not happy. Damian does not like Dick. But Dick in any universe will always be a responsible older brother.

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #1

At this point Dick is fed up.

Is that what Damian wants? Fine.

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #1

So they have a bunch of mini-competitions from archery to hacking to parkour to fighting to etc and Damian's getting more and more frustrated that he keeps tying while Dick is in it for a good time. I think Dick's genuinely happy about this because he's viewing it as a bonding experience but everything comes to head when Damian reaches his limit

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #2

Things don't get better but the event progresses because Slade's wife Adeline (to whom he's still married to) is working with an evil organisation that collects metas and non-humans is searching for Gar so they need to do something fast. There are also flashbacks from Damian's side of him being jealous that Bruce trusts Dick so much and how perfect he is which don't help. It makes Damian really furious that Dick doesn't even realize how Bruce trusts him and instead acts like he's best friends with Damian which just serves to tick him off more.

Dick and Damian end up working together, find out about Kori, escape Slade, and all's great in the end. They become the brothers they were always meant to be.

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #2

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #2

And then it becomes the real formation of the teen titans. Dick and Damian - brothers for life.

I wish there was an entire series on this! I want to see the continuation.

Putting aside the logistics of whether they would meet or not, if Dick had met any of the robins at any age, he would've adored the heck out of them. I think they all would've ended up in Damian's position but they would definitely warm up to him by the end because it's impossible not to love Dick, especially if he loves you.

There's also a canon comic moment where Robin! Tim meets Robin! Dick, and they get along far better than Damian and Dick here but still the same emotions run in the scenes.

Robin (1993) Issue #10

While Dick and Tim solve a case, Tim is just amazed by Dick.

Robin (1993) Issue #10

Robin (1993) Issue #10

He's a little salty too. "Dick's going to beat me to the punch. I'm older than him. At this point I've got more experience than him. And he's got me playing catch-up. The little gloryhound..."

Robin (1993) Issue #10

"Like I need him to remind me."

Robin (1993) Issue #10

The way Tim and Damian feel the same way - it's two different comics, but they both feel stressed by Dick for the same reasons.

Teen Titans: Robin Issue #2

They feel like the need to live up to Dick but Dick doesn't feel that they have anything to prove because he just genuinely likes them for who they are. This feeling is a source of friction on the Robins' side, but it's also important they have this because you can't really know someone if you don't overcome your differences. The fact that they have to learn about each other brings out both of their greatest strengths.

Like in the Robin comic, Tim suspects something is off and Dick goes along with it. Tim's right and in the end they catch the bad guy and figure out the escape plan.

Robin (1993) Issue #10

To which Dick says, "Oh yeah! I can see how you got your job. Robin."

Robin (1993) Issue #10

Tim's happy face <3333

Overall, I'd say that Bruce wouldn't take any of the Robin in during Dick's younger days. But if he did, Dick and the Robins would become the best of brothers.

Oh but you know what'd be exciting? Dick and Stephanie's same age Robin au! Tim, Damian, and Jason's would all be sort of the same. They would struggle with Dick's standing but love him possessively in the end. But I have no idea how Stephanie and Dick would go. Of course they would love each other but same age brother and sister?! I WANT THAT SO BAD!!! Their dynamic would be crazy!! The amount of grey hairs Bruce would have? The ultimate chaos duo, they'd feed into each others' energies! Gotham would be a goner.

[lalachat]

"And there you were..."

Author's note: Hey girl hey... I'm back! Im sorry for the prolonged time between these late chapters:( Fixations are weird and frangible things. You have one for a month and then get tired of it, but come back to the same one every now and then. That's basically what writing is for me... I know it may not be fair to you readers but I am trying my best because i truly love you guys... This is not the best thing that I have written for this story, but we are finally at the end! It has been a rollercoaster for us all. Thank you for those who have stuck with me since day one and thank you for those who randomly stumble upon this shit show of a story and send me sweet messages<3 I hope this is good enough xoxo

Summary: Crossing over the rainbow bridge is not what you expected it to be, especially when you're told you cannot stay long, but everything was worth it in the end.

This is for all my Lucien girlies❤️

Warnings: profanity, potential grammatical errors, and a happily ever after!

Word Count: ≈ 2,237

Chapter 11: You're my mate

“Who are you and where am I?” you blinked rapidly at the blinding light invading your gaze.

“Welcome my child, you know where you are and you know who I am-” the voice sent a warmth through your body at the raw power it held, yet it was still tenderhearted.

You blinked a couple more times to readjust your sight at the most ethereal woman you have ever seen standing before you. This cannot be real…

“I’m dead, aren’t I?” you asked.

“Not quite, I fear I have taken you too soon,” she gave you a soft smile as the realization hit you. Only one person could take your life too soon.

“Oh my gods, you’re the mother!” You bowed to her immediately, unsure of what the proper greeting was for a celestial being. She giggled.

“No need for such formalities, stand up my child. I have something I wish to discuss.” She offered you her hand which you gladly accepted. You felt a zing rush through you at the touch. The power she held was beyond anything you felt from Rhysand and the other high lords.

“Of course,” you smiled, “What exactly would that be? Have I sinned too much to remain here?!”

She laughed yet again, “You are quite the humorous one, and no, I am not here to discuss your sins. I want to discuss the mistake I made with your mate.”

You stood there in pure shock, “Azriel?”

“Yes, I wholeheartedly apologize for fating you two together. That shadowsinger never got over his self-loathing I’m afraid.” You looked at her puzzled. “You see, when I fated the two of you, I had hoped his self-destructiveness would disappear once he met you,” she smiled at you again as you listened, “that was until Elain Acheron had stepped in and took that place before you ever could.”

“Believe me mother, I am well aware…” you sighed. “I tried so hard,” tears began to form in your eyes.

“Oh my love, I know you did, and this is all my fault. I am sorry for causing you so much suffering. It is clear to me now that I should have fated you to someone else,” she gave you her hand again, “Come walk with me.”

She led you hand in hand over to a cauldron. She waved her hand over it to reveal your friends still circled around your body, only this time a certain auburn-haired male began to awake.

“LUCIEN!” You wept at the sight of his chest rising and falling again, “He’s alive!”

The mother nodded, “I brought him here and sent him back, just like I am about to do with you.”

“I don't understand, why bring us both here in the first place if we are only going to be sent back?” You watched as your friends noticed Lucien’s movements as you still lay there cold.

“Because my child, I have been watching you for quite some time and realized that your love without a bond for another male grew stronger than any completed bond I have ever seen.”

“That’s not possible- nothing is stronger than a completed bond,” you looked at her and shook your head in disbelief.

“I never thought something like this would happen but you two have proven me wrong. You both have just done the impossible,” she smiled at you, and she took hold of both of your hands, “That male loves you more than anything.” Her thumbs caressed the small marking along your wrists, your eyes followed the movement as you chuckled.

“So, what’s going to happen to now?” you looked up at the creator of everything you knew.

“I am going to send you back,” she kissed the top of your forehead and you felt something inside you shift, “I am sorry for taking you both too soon, but it had to be done. I have now made things the way they should be,” she smiled as she gestured to the cauldron.

“What?” you looked at her in disbelief.

“Step into the cauldron, it will take you back to your loved ones.”

You looked in to see Lucien now trying to wake you as the others watched in awe of his liveliness, “Lucien did the same thing?”

“Yes,” she nodded as you began to slowly step your way into the cauldron. You were waist in before you stopped abruptly as anxiety ate at you to ask a certain question.

“I won’t have any special powers like Feyre, Nesta, and Elain right?”

“No, this is different than their rebirth. You will have no power; you will remain as you were before.”

“Good, that’s good. Powers would have been cool though,” you smiled as you submerged the rest of yourself into the sacred artifact. Just before your ears went under you could hear the mother say something to you before you left.

“Everything is alright now, I love you my child. You have made me proud.”

You smiled as the liquid surrounded you and sparkled against your skin. It almost looked like Starfall which made you smile reminding you of home. You were heading back home! You felt your body tense like it was being winnowed back to your reality. It was a weird sensation, but you could slowly feel the memory of the mother and everything she had done for you fade as you passed through a barrier.

“Y/n!” you could hear someone crying out your name. You were trying to regain your senses as firm hands caressed the hair out of your face. One of their tears fell onto your cheek. It almost felt hot. Your eyes squinted at the feeling.

“Lucien look!” Someone cried out, as Lucien’s eyes scanned over your face slightly scrunching up at the foreign feeling of a tear that was not your own on your face. He let out a small, relieved gasp.

“Y/n?” He wiped off his tear that had fallen as he saw your chest take a deep inhale, “Oh my gods!” He wept, “You’re alive… you’re alive!”

His hands caressed your own, trying to give your cold skin more warmth. Azriel letting some of his own tears fall at the sight of you breathing again, Elain was rubbing small circles on his back in comfort. Mor and Feyre’s hands covered their mouths in shock at the events unfolding before them as tears of joy left their eyes. Nesta had let out a much-needed breath she didn’t know she was holding as she smiled at the two of you breathing again. Cassian thanked the mother repeatedly as Rhysand grabbed Feyre’s hand with tear filled eyes.

You began to wiggle your toes and fingers, getting used to the feeling of yourself again as you opened your eyes to see Lucien with the biggest smile you have ever seen from him.

“Lucien?” you questioned. Your mind was foggy, unable to really remember anything except the fact the last time you saw him he was dead.

He pressed your hands to his lips, “I’m here…”

You began to cry, “You’re alive!”

He nodded his head as he pulled you into his chest, “And so are you!”

You wrapped your arms around him in an instant, “Don’t ever leave me like that again!”

“Like hell I would live in a world without you,” he smiled as he cupped your face and kissed you tenderly. It’s right then you felt something trying to ignite inside your chest, no restraints or walls were holding it back as it set your soul aflame. You pulled away from Lucien and looked at him in amazement as you sent that flame to where it was trying to pull itself to. Lucien’s eyes widened as he slowly felt his empty chest cavity burst into life filled with everything you were sending his way. Love. Passion. Trust. Protectiveness. He couldn’t but help but smile as he got to say these words again knowing he would be complete, “You’re my mate!”

You let out a laugh of relief at the words, “Mates,” as you kissed him so hard you both fell back into the earth beneath you.

“That’s impossible,” Azriel said in disbelief. Elain’s face was ghost white.

“Well brother, the mother can work in mysterious ways,” Rhysand smiled at you finally getting your happy ending.

Lucien pulled away from you breathless, “I love you.”

You gave him a toothy grin and kissed him once more, “I love you!”

The wind kissed your skin as you both got up off the ground hand in Lucien’s. The presence of the wind almost felt familiar to you. You looked up at your mate and saw he had the same expression. Both of you looked at each other before you both whispered a soft thank you into the wind to let it be carried away to wherever it was headed as your friends began to crowd you both. Feyre ran into Lucien’s outstretched arms as Mor crashed into yours.

“Oh gods I am so happy you’re alive!” Mor cried.

“I think that was enough bonding for a lifetime,” you laughed as you cried with your best friend.

“I am just glad you are okay!” she smiled as she let Feyre hug you next. She looked over to Lucien and gave you a warm smile, “I am so happy for you both, take good care of him.”

Rhysand and Cassian pulled you into a big group hug.

“What even happened? I saw you both die!” Cassian kissed your cheek fondly.

“I don't even know… I wish I could tell you both, but I'm just happy I get to keep my favorite bat boys around,” you laughed as Rhysand kissed your other cheek.

“Like I said to Az, the mother works in wonderous ways.” As they pulled you back into another huge hug.

“Stop you’re going to pop me!” you laughed as a pair of footsteps approached you. You looked up to see Azriel. He looked at you guiltily and you felt nothing towards the male. No hate, no resentment, no longing, no nothing. You took a deep breath as you said, “Bring it in Azriel, it’s alright…”

Azriel carefully joined the group hug, “I am so sorry…” you and the others just hugged each other tighter as a response. You heard a cough from outside the circle as Elain stood before you. Rhysand and Cassian gave you one last hug before they walked over to Lucien and the others. Leaving you with Azriel and Elain.

“Y/n if I had only known…” Elain’s voice trailed off. Their presence was a little much for you after knowing what they both caused, but without them you wouldn’t have your mate.

“Look, everything that happened between us is a lot to digest and it's overwhelming me right now, but I am willing to look forward and have a fresh start, just give me time.” You gave them both an awkward smile as you walked off to the others who were all showering Lucien in hugs like they had done with you earlier. The sight of it made you smile.

“Be careful with him! I just got him back,” you teased as everyone looked towards you.

“We just got you both back,” Feyre said with a soft smile, “Tonight we celebrate you both and your new bond!”

“Just don't feed him anything until we're gone,” Cassian quipped as he clapped Lucien on the shoulder. Lucien rolled his eyes at the comment as Mor whispered into your ear, “and when you do, you still owe us girls a story after all.” She winked as your face grew hot at the talk of the act of completing the bond together.

“Calm yourself darling, we have plenty of time for that later,” Lucien pulled you into his side, “Let’s celebrate with our friends yeah?”

“Fine, I guess we can let loose a little to celebrate beating death and finding our bond.” You smiled.

“Well, what are we waiting for?! Let’s go party! I’m ready to let loose after everything that just transpired,” Mor said as everyone left to go back inside. Lucien pulled you aside before you both walked in and pushed you against a wall as he kissed you with fiery passion.

“As soon as that little party is over, I am going to fuck you into the bed, wall, desk,” he began to kiss your neck as the fresh bond between you hummed in your chest, “Any surface that I can take you on till we’re both burning this court into ashes with our love.”

You moaned at his words, “You promise?”

“If that is what my mate wants,” as he stared into your eyes as you traced your fingers down his back.

“Only if mine is willing to live up to his words,” you smirked up at him.

“Oh y/n, you are going to regret doubting me,” he said before he gave you one last kiss on the lips before offering you his hand to lead you into the house where all your friends awaited to celebrate your miracle.

You giggled as you grabbed his hand and said, “I love you so much Lu.”

“I will never get sick of those words. I love you too,” he smiled down as your intertwined hands, “You really should get those tattooed.”

“Give me a few more like them and I will,” you teased pulling Lucien inside as he let out a small groan at the thought. Both of you eager to celebrate with your friends, and to finally be able to love each other fiercely for the rest of your lives.

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[monstermoviedean]

hey im so sorry to just pop in here but i have been LIVING for your s14 takes!!! the precise way you've been deconstructing sam's treatment of dean and how that arc in general leaves dean's feelings and needs so deeply unaddressed is so important to me. i guess i just wanted to talk about one thing that really devastates me in 14.12. twice sam is like let me talk about, in detail, what being in the ma'lak box will be like.

first he says, "We know we could die, uh, doing what we do. It’s always a possibility. But what you’re talking about is far worse than death. Michael’s an archangel. He could literally keep you buried in a coffin, alive, forever." and then later, talking about Donatello (but clearly meaning it's also about Dean), he says, "Trapped. Trapped in his own body, somewhere between life and death. It’s just tough to think about somebody going through that."

and both times he says this as though dean hasn't thought about that? or like as though he can scare him into not going through with it? Dean pushes back both times at first saying he never said he wasn't scared. and the second time, after Dean says not to think about it and Sam says that's easy for Dean to say, Dean says it's NOT!!!

idk those parts just crush me so much. cause of course dean is terrified out of his mind at this choice he feels like he has to make. of course the psychological weight is pounding down on him. and yet sam just keeps prodding at that fear and those feelings as though... somehow dean isn't feeling them??? or he can scare dean out of doing the right thing????

sorry to just yap at u but im just so excited to see people talking about these eps this way!!!

no apology necessary!!! omg i love asks like this. thank you!!! and thank you for being so so kind :') (also i love your spreadsheet so so so much thank you for that too!)

i'm glad i'm not too far off the mark with season 14. i think part of it is that i am approaching it for the first time, for better or worse. it's interesting because i have the basic summary that i've picked up from tumblr in my head, and i keep noticing what events i don't really see people talk about. they feel to me like missing puzzle pieces slotting into place to form my understanding. knowing how s14 ends...i can see how we're getting there. i can see how dean is getting there. (i'm not going to make a judgment on dean's behavior until i actually see it, but i see what looks like a breadcrumb trail!)

the first bit of dialogue you cite - i can't get over the fact that this is the sequence of events: dean has a nightmare -> sam asks if he wants to talk about it -> dean says no -> sam keeps talking anyway. it's not just that he launches into horrifying detail, it's that he does it after dean has very clearly said he doesn't want to talk about it.

and the bit about donatello happens because dean reaches out! dean extends an olive branch and asks if sam is alright, and sam uses that opportunity to make this pointed comment about how hard it is for sam to think about that happening to somebody. again, dean has said he doesn't want to be talked out of this. he wants to be allowed to talk about it on his terms (ie, his "deathbed apology" to sam), but sam shuts that shit right down. if sam wants to talk, sam is going to talk, regardless of what dean wants.

and that is what i find so frustrating. that sam is prioritizing his own wants and needs, that he will do and say whatever he wants, regardless of the effects on dean. and the implications of this are deeply troubling to me. because like you said: is sam saying all this because he thinks dean is too stupid to understand what he's getting into? does sam think dean hasn't thought this through? sam thinks it's easy for dean to not think (this is the "easy for you to say" / "no, it's not actually" exchange).

maybe sam doesn't think dean is stupid. maybe he thinks dean is fully aware of the ramifications and is just so "self-destructive" that he doesn't care. okay, fair. but how is it going to help at all to try to guilt him into caring? like you said, to scare him out of doing the right thing?

i understand sam's coming from a place of care and he doesn't want dean to die - very reasonable! but the way he is expressing his care is by bombarding dean with things that are designed to make dean feel fear, guilt, and shame. fear of what michael will do to him, guilt over "leaving" sam, shame over "giving up" and doing things the "wrong" way. he doesn't give him one affirmative reason to abandon the plan - he's not saying dean is strong enough to beat michael, or dean is good and doesn't deserve an eternity of torture, or dean is making a difficult but right choice and his sacrifice is honorable. it's all about how bad this is will be.

and then sam takes it a step further and makes it about dean not believing in sam enough. if dean does this, it's because he doesn't think sam can save him. if dean doesn't think sam can save him, it cannot be because they're up against impossible odds, it must be because dean doesn't believe sam is strong or smart or dependable enough to save him. that is a monumental leap, in my opinion. and in a bass-ackwards kind of way, sam is taking responsibility here. he's suggesting that if dean does this, it's sam's fault for not coming up with another plan. it's self-centered in a very weird way. it's almost like sam thinks dean can't be trusted to make his own choices, and sam has to make those choices for him, and if dean tries to make choices it's because sam has failed. (not 100% solid on this, gotta think about it some more. but it's weird right?)

i do believe that sam is doing all this because of the enormity of his feelings. he is afraid of dean giving himself up like this and afraid he won't be able to survive without dean. he feels guilty for not "saving" dean. i can have some sympathy for sam having a very very bad time. but he's taking it out on dean. it's not like he's saying to cas, "wow, i don't think dean has thought this through" or asking mary to comfort him. he is doing everything he can to make dean give up this plan, and he either does not realize that this is potentially very harmful and unfair to dean, or he does realize it and doesn't care. he keeps reminding dean of how bad it will be. he encourages dean to doubt himself. he doubles down on the guilt dean already feels for everything by emphasizing that dean is giving up, abandoning his family, etc. he creates situations where dean, who is facing down an eternity of torture, comforts sam.

that is a very fucked up thing to do. like i can't emphasize enough that it's fucked up to treat a human being like this. especially one that you care about. i said it last night but i'll say it again: i wouldn't wish this kind of treatment on anyone. i am definitely more sensitive to it because it's dean and i love him but i don't want anyone to be treated the way sam is treating dean. and i'm kind of stunned that sam gets away with it. i think it goes to show how beat down dean is at this point and how he's so crushed by the psychological weight of everything that he accepts this as if he deserves it.

[poppy-metal]

Oof and Patrick finally confronts you one day. Demanding answers.

"Cmon, princess, we fucking live together. The least you can do is bitch me out to my face instead of with your eyes."

"You've always annoyed me, Patrick. You know that." Are you gaslighting him? Maybe. But you barely understand what you're feeling, what are you supposed to say?

"you want to know what I think?" And he doesn't wait for an answer. "I think you're angry at me because it's safe. Youre scared Tash will turn on you again if you ever express your anger at her. And Art has those puppy dog eyes that make him impossible to be mad at anyways."

"Oh yeah, and that night in the bar has nothing to do with it."

"There it is. You're pissed I was picked first." You want to slap him because it sounds so petty when he says it. "But do you really understand why? Because I do."

"Oh, you do?" You snap. "Please, enlighten me."

"Because I'm like a fucking lost dog and they know it. They could've said anything, done anything, and I still would've been there. And as much as you might think youre in the same boat, Tash has never seen you that way." A pregnant pause. "Tash never believed you would actually come back to her. Art always knew I'd come back."

toxic polycule has my heart im gonna bleat like a lamb

hating patrick because his leaving hurt the worst - you could reason why tashi and art did. it was in arts nature to run and repress and tashi had blocked everything out after her injury. it didn't make it okay but it made sense in your head. but patrick - you'd shared your pain with him. you'd shared your body. you thought you might be something someday maybe. later down the line because you were both so reckless and self destructive.

"its whatever, patrick. i get it - we were a distraction for eachother. and now that we're dating them there's really no need for us to interact. i don't give a shit who picked who first -"

"bullshit. it's always fucking stung that they chose eachother over you. and it fucking hurt when you thought they chose me over you too."

you dont want to talk about it. last choice. its what you were, no matter how you spun it. in this love square of four you were at the bottom. they'd be fine without you. you'd agreed to start dating art and tashi tentatively - but you still held yourself at a distance from all of them. you refused to move in. refused to let any of them call you their girlfriend. you had your heart to protect. a relationship of four? it wouldn't last. and you'd be the first on the chopping block.

"sure, patrick." you say. "okay."

its tiring to argue.

he searches your face. his eyes are annoyingly intense, and it feels like he's peeling back your head to look into your brain. unspooling your thoughts.

"i missed you." patrick has the ability to soften his voice in such a way that it makes your heart jerk in your chest. your bite the inside of your cheek until you taste blood. "i thought about you. i think about you. it fucking sucks you won't talk to me."

you close your eyes. you remember a night years ago when his lips had pressed against the back of your neck. holding you after sex - and it was the first time you'd slept together without talking about art or tashi at all. and it felt good. you thought you might be enough for someone, finally. that maybe he saw you and wanted you for you, and not because of the pain you shared.

stupid. he just wants you now because you're close and its convenient. it's more convenient if you're all sleeping together and there's no tension and you're all happy and its all sunshine and rainbows and no one is thinking about when this all will end.

well, you had to be that person. because you refused to be blindsided.

"it was just sex, patrick. we were scratching and itch. you dont need me to scratch it anymore, and i dont need you either. we can be civil, but its not deeper than that between us."

you can see the flash of anger in his eyes at being dismissed. you dont think to process it as pain. you doubt you have the power to hurt patrick zweig at all.

[fartshitpiss]

making my partner watch Hannibal and while rewatching i noticed again how little Hannibal fights back against Jack in 3x05. to the point i looked it up, and im sad i could only find a few things on it. i might be missing stuff, but why aren't more people talking about this??

Hannibal has been, one can imagine, underwhelmed by his life in Florence. of course he still has an esteemed role, this time as a curator. he still eats, breathes, and sleeps lavishly. he still indulges himself in the occasional murder, though this time around it feels more about convenience and less about rudeness. reading off the cover, it seems perfect. he even has Bedelia with him– someone who knows him, someone to share this life with

but that's not what he wants. he only left his life in Baltimore out of necessity, and he intended on leaving with Will, prior to his betrayal. Hannibal misses Will, who knows him so intimately, who can read between his lines. He misses the challenges, and the way Will made him think. He misses consulting on his crimes, gloating directly in Jacks face without the latter having a clue. Hannibal misses the mind games, and his brain is feeling dreadfully unfit without them. he probably took up sudoku or something but how the hell does sudoku measure up to brainwashing one of, if not the, smartest person he's met. Hannibal's big fat brain is under-stimulated. with no one to challenge or intrigue him, he becomes depressed and self-destructive.

Will is searching for him. Hannibal knows that because he's seen him, stood feet away from him while Will asked for him, but he's able to go back to his mind games which gives him some relief from his boredom. he toys with Will, undoubtedly waiting for the right time to reveal himself. but seeing Jack, he remembered their first fight and the challenge that came with it. Jack was just as good, if not better, at fighting as Hannibal was. an even match. he does not rush out of the building as he could have; he's been working there for quite some time at this point, surely he knows another way out that Jack wouldn't be able to find in the labryinth of a new to him building. at least not until Hannibal was long gone. instead he takes his time, calling out taunts and all but begging Jack to give him a beating. he wants to feel something. something other than the boredom and the emptiness and the missing Will. he knows better than anyone that the sharp pain of knuckles hitting bone would simplify things– clear his head and bring the more important things to light. Hannibal wants to go back to his life before, and in this very moment it is the best way he knows how. so he lets Jack beat the shit out of him. sure, he tries to grab a knife here and he gives a little kick there, but this is not the Hannibal we know. we've seen him fight, and we've seen him kick ass but this is... dare i say it, pathetic. once he's good and bloody he crawls his way to the window he'd just sent Pazzi out of with every intention of being sent out of it himself.

he realizes that maybe he can trust these people to do what they have always done. maybe he can trust Will to read him like a book once again, so he goes to the gallery knowing that Will could find him there. and, unsurprisingly, Will does exactly that. but this time the person he's looking for is actually in the shadows he's searching through, and this time Hannibal actually reaches back out.

[icarusredwings]

Why the fuck did I even write this. WHEN did I write this? #cleaningoutmyqueue

Carly at 4 am:

Thinking about one night, Logan waking up to Wade cross-legged, rocking back and forth as he's patting Evelyn.

"Shhh.. shh, it's alright.. you're okay, baby girl."

Immediately, he wants to just go back to bed because it is too early to deal with this bullshit though he sighs heavily and asks anyway.

"What's wrong with the baby?"

"Shhh.. shhh.. she won't stop crying. Can't you hear her?"

"Oh..." He realizes that there's tears running down his face. He's rocking, patting, and patting more, as if desperately trying to soothe her though Logan knew self consciously he was only trying to soothe himself from something.

Call it what you will, but they have come a long way from other destructive ways to self harm then rocking a baby doll. And if Wade wanted to rock his baby then so be it. But it didn't actually look like he *wanted* too rather then was struggling to let go of her. Struggling to put her down.

Ever since he had that damned dream that there was a universe where he had a daughter, his whole train of thought changed completely, now playing papa to cope. Cope with loss that he didn't even know he had, cope with the idea of 'holy shit this is so easy and yet my parents couldn't do it properly... they mustn't have loved me enough'. To cope with the fact that despite having all these kids in class- They would never be his.

Sure, he's snatched up Laura and Gabby faster then Logan even mentioned being their step father, but it wasn't the same. He had the same dream over and over again about a baby girl. HIS baby girl.

Now here he was, half asleep, patting on auto pilot, and crying because his silent babydoll was sobbing in his head, a dream lingering into reality.

"Shhh... shh.. Evelyn please.. go to sleep for papa.. im sorry.. I know.. It'll be okay. You have wolvie. He's kinda like a mama?" He whispers to the toy, whose batteries were taking out ages ago because of an actual cry button that would randomly go off, sending Wade into even worse frenzies.

Recently 'Evelyn' has been having issues on not having a mom and it almost felt.. real.. the way he described her pain. As if the other universe was dipping into theirs. It kind of concerned Logan just how dearly he took care of this doll, carrying around for hours and once even brought her to work.

He'd wrap her up and carry her, bounce her infront of the chalk board, show coworkers his baby, most being extremely puzzled as who let Wade adopt a baby- only to realize that she wasn't a real baby at all. Few, such as Yukio, Rouge, Kurt, and Jean held or bounced the baby as if it were an actual baby.

Rouge at first took her without even realizing, but saw how happy it made Wade and continued, Yukio ofc took her and was extra gentle, Kurt, who was used to sunday school kids handing him random stuffies and babys autimatically began to bounce her. Meanwhile Jean knew it was a doll and took it anyway, complimenting Wade on how beautiful his baby was. "Isn't she!?" He said to her and she smiled.

Later she had said to Logan something about how the baby was improving his mental state- Not alot- but enough to keep him in the 'Sane' category for awhile. She also mentioned how when Rachel was born she would let Wade hold her, despite Logan telling her that was a terrible idea, afraid of what might happen. No, Wade would never hurt a baby on purpose but he was terrified of Wade trying to take someone else's kid or being a bit too rough.

He already saw him drop evelyn twice- and she was hard plastic. He didn't want to imagine what would happen if she hadn't been.

Honestly? It was heart breaking to watch. To see the man he loved so desperate for a child of his own though both agreeing that he wasn't in the right mental state for a baby and probably never would be. He was good with older kids. 5 and up, but new borns and toddlers needed more work then just playing, feeding them once in a while and carrying them around.

The best thing about Evelyn is that he couldn't forget to feed her because she didn't actually need to eat. She couldn't get be kidnapped and held hostage or even killed by people who really didn't like him. She couldn't get hurt if Logan accidentally stabbed her in his sleep.

But sometimes, this play wasn't enough. Sometimes, something in his head just wouldn't let him put her down, wouldn't let 'her' stop crying.

With a pop of his back, Logan sat up with a groan. "Give her here." He put his arms out for his daughter, hard plastic or not. If Wade thought she was theirs, then she was. Oh, well. It's not like it hurt much. If anything, she's helped greatly with his nightmares. This being said, the ones about her though were worse, but Logan would trade one bad dream a week for every night.

Wade gave him the baby, hesitant as Logan started patting. "Shut up little one. Your dads got work in the morning." He muttered to the doll, though Wade looked nervous. "Y-you're not patting her right, and you have to have your hand up-"

"Aye! I can pat her how ever I want. Huh? You like when I pat you?" In reality these questions were more towards Wade, trying to find the correct responses.

"She's still crying. You're being too rough!"

"What? Im patting the exact same way you were."

"Nu uh, that's too hard. You're gonna hurt her!"

Deep down, Logan knew this fear only stemmed from Wade himself being afraid of hurting her, but it still hurt to hear that he thought Logan would hurt the babydoll. (Unlike Mr. Drop her head on a bathroom sink and on concrete).

Grunting, He hands her back, rolling his eyes. "Well then, what does 'she' want?"

"She wants a mom" He whined, nuzzling the doll and kissing her head.

Logan was about to say "shes got a mom," but not really, Vanessa thought she was kinda creepy and only held her when Wade asked but was awkward. This made sense, seeing as she was going to give Wade a baby before things changed. Now that she thought about it, they weren't really in the best of the situation to have a baby back then either. Just.. dumb love, I guess. The fact that whenever she saw him play with kids, it made her hormones explode... (Logan understood this feeling a bit too well around August)

"Evie baby, please! Shhh.. shh. Why are you crying so much?!" These are the parts that worried him, just how frustrated he got with his own head.

"What's all this ruckus? Dont you know what time it is?"

Logan blinked, glancing to his husband. "Why didn't you lock the door?? Carly you need to knock."

"Nonsense. I heard trouble, and where there's trouble, there's Howlie."

"What?" Her logic seemed flawed. Wouldn't she want to stay away from him if he were trouble? Though- then again- were talking about a 86 year old jewish veteran amputee from Poland. Not much scared her. Including walking in on them- which she's done multiple times with little care, gathering laundry and then leaving as if nothing happened.

"... do you think she saw us?"

"Why is there so many clothes on your floor? Who raised you to be like this? Hogs?" She said.

"... I honestly think she dosn't give a fuck."

"I aspire to give that little of a fuck one day." Wade would say.

It made Logan cringe and shiver to think about. Ugh. He couldn't imagine how much she had seen of them and how she would pinch his cheeks not even 10 minutes later. God, she was so.. weird! But even in her wandering mind, he couldn't imagine putting her back in that nursing home. Besides- now Al had someone to be crotchety with and sit on the couch complaining about stuff with. She had even started taking Al with her to Synagogue despite her always saying it was bullshit, She enjoyed the time out of the house.

"So what is problem?" She asks, a hand on her hip, her leg lazily put on in a flowery nightie.

"Evelyn is crying, and it's stressing him out." Logan tells her, still watching as Wade paced and patted her bum.

"She wants her mom but she dosn't have a mom." Wade explained, bouncing a bit more as he shushed her.

"Oooh, let me see. Give me little Eve. I take her." She offers, used to Wade's antics by now. That or she was losing it and thought the doll really was a baby. Either way, Wade looked hesitant again. "Are you sure? J-just don't be too rough. Logan's too rough."

"Snitch." Logan grumbled, giving him a playful fist as if saying 'Snitches get stitches'.

"Come now, D'aawww mój anioł. Did that mean man hurt you? Awww, I know, laleczko. Sheyneh meydeleh." She coes, patting her back gentle enough to satisfy Wade into finally sighing of relief.

"So.. what was wrong with her?" Logan asks, seeing his husband finally settle down and flop himself against the bed in an exhausted "Fmph".

"You ain't got any tits sugar." Carly smiles, innocently. "Babys like busty chests. And that's just what you aint got."

Wade gasped, covering his mouth and giggling. "No way, you just said that. Loagies tits are the best!"

He scoffs, smirking. "At least mine are real."

"Perhaps she prefers plastic over flatness."

Wade then gasped again. "Oh, you did not just say that. Wolvie you gonna let her get away with that?"

Logan let out a snort. "Yeah. Sure. What am I supposed to do? Beat up a grandma?"

"You know, raddish, your papa is quite a coward. Even in war was cowardly. Won't even fight an elderly lady with a missing leg." She says to the doll, leaving to take her back to her room to 'watch' her for the night.

Shaking his head softly, Logan couldn't help but chuckle, feeling young again from the banter. Boot didn't change a bit. And it seems she never would. "No way, I've seen guys get sent to medic way too many times over that leg!"

"If you dont want Boot up your ass, don't talk from it!" She calls, the door clicking.

Giggling, Wade sprawls out in the bed. "Was she always this sassy?"

"Oh, im pretty sure she gets sassier with age.."

"Like good cheese."

"Sure, bub. Like good cheese." Pulling him close, he locks him in his arms, not wanting him up again until their alarm went off in the morning.

".. You're a good dad, Wade." He whispers, nuzzling into him, yawning.

"I love you too, peanut.."