#like im not diagnosed but I have a lot of signs

[indagolive]

I forgot how much I just... loved playing games.

Like recently I've started/continued playing Persona 5 Tactica, Xenoblade Chronicals Definitive Edition, Paper Mario TTYD, Kirby Return to Dreamland, Legend Of Zelda a Link Between Worlds, Kid Icarus Uprising and Splatoon 3, ALONGSIDE my constants of playing Minecraft, Smash Ultimate and Pokemon

For a while I was trying to manage doing one game at a time, so I wouldn't have started a new game until I beat the one I was currently playing. But I think that just caused me to have less time ENJOYING each game, and just made playing the current one feel like something I HAD to do.

I'm not exactly super far in any of the games I mentioned, but I'm chipping away at all of them when I feel in the mood. and it feels great! Genuinely, if you've caught yourself in the mood of "I don't know what to play", I promise you just grab one thing from your "Backlog" and just start chipping away at it. Even if you have no intentions of finishing it for a long time there aren't rules to how you enjoy Video Games.

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack

[yatiso]

oh my g-d i cant take it any more i have to get professionally diagnosed or really preferably professionally told off the record (if such a thing is allowed) what the hell is wrong with me bc i cant take trying to figure it out on my own any more

[m1shapanda]

am i autistic

[requiemsystem]

ADVICE FOR NEWLY DISCOVERED OR SUSPECTED SYSTEMS

if you suspect you may be a system or have recently discovered that youre a system, things can be confusing and hard. im making this post as someone who has been aware of being a system for about 5 years and has been diagnosed for 2. these are things i wish we knew and did. i hope it will be helpful to some of you and i wish you luck on discovering things about yourself and your system keep in mind everyone is different and systems are no exception, so what i list here might be incredibly beneficial for one person but do nothing for another. find what works for you. i will try to provide a variety of advice in order for you to see what fits you best DO YOUR RESEARCH research the disorder, try to find others experiences and things you think would help you. this is especially helpful if you are suspecting and not yet sure if you have it, researching symptoms and others experiences can be very helpful in determining START SYMPTOM LOGGING this can be as simple as "i blacked out today" or "i dont feel like myself right now", you dont have to be identifying switches or putting names to alters, theres no rush to be able to do that and some systems have no desire to do that symptom logging is useful because it can help you identify potential triggers and patterns in your symptoms. for example, if you can remember what happened before a period of amnesia and remember being exposed to a stressful event or something potentially triggering, this would be worth writing down to see if its a recurring pattern REACH OUT TO OTHER ALTERS this can be done in a variety of ways, but the easiest way would be to leave a note in a place itll be seen. for example, a sticky note on a mirror (if you live with other people and cant do this, try leaving a note on your phone in a frequently checked app) i would advise saying something along the lines of "hello, i am (name) and i would like to communicate with you. i suspect we have a disorder called (DID/OSDD) and we share the same body and mind. please write back to me in (location, can be a notebook or app etc) and tell me some about yourself if you feel comfortable" but you can say whatever works for you. i just think the main points to cover are having DID/OSDD and introducing yourself as well as asking for an introduction in return START WORKING ON COMMUNICATION this takes a lot of practice, so i always say its better to build up early rather than late. we have a whole post on it that can be found here REMINDERS AND THINGS TO REMEMBER if you do not remember your trauma, do not dig for it. it isnt safe to try to remember trauma without professionals help. if you happen to remember, thats one thing, but dont intentionally seek out triggers to try to remember denial is common and not a sign of faking, if you were faking you would know and would not be in denial. being wrong about having DID/OSDD (if you are suspecting but not sure) is not the same as faking no two systems are the same. you dont have to look exactly like some other system you know or online to be real its normal to not know everything right away. you wont know all your alters immediately, you may not be able to access (and you may not have) your innerworld, you probably wont remember all of your trauma without professionals help, etc. its all normal its totally ok to keep information about your system private. there is no need to share with anyone you do not feel completely safe and comfortable with switching at any frequency is normal, there is no "correct" amount to switch. any amount of alters is normal, there is no "correct" amount of alters. any level of amnesia is normal, there is no "correct" level of amnesia apps like simply plural and bots like pluralkit can be incredibly helpful for some systems, but there is absolutely no pressure to use them if you do not feel comfortable - grey

[bitchstrologyyy]

astrology observations from my notes lol

- if you have mars in 3H, you probably hang out with your siblings a lot or your siblings play a big role in your life

- mars 3hers also tend to be the eldest child in their family too

- is it just me or have i noticed that venus-ruled signs (libra and taurus) placements are the type to bring perfumes, small hair combs, gum, and etc with them? i’ve noticed this alot with the libra and taurus suns at my school, ESPECIALLY LIBRAS! they’re always taking care of themselves, and they care a lot about their physical appearance

- those with aries + taurus placements in their charts tend to be apart of the lgbtq+ community, or they’re comfortable with their sexualities

- negative moon-pluto (square, opposition) indicate a controlling, obsessive, unstable or mentally ill mother. the mother could’ve been secretive or prone to paranoia. especially moon square pluto!!

- negative sun-pluto (square, opposition) indicate problems with father or in the family

- virgos make amazing artists and writers. they also have a “dark” way of thinking— stephen king, tim burton, hajime isayama. very creative people

- if you’re an aries sun or have aries placements, you may like the blood aesthetic or the idea of ‘blood’ because mars rules ur sign. mars rules war, blood, anger, sex, energy, and action

- aries moons don’t get mad easily, and i feel like they’re very levelheaded when it comes to difficult situations. it takes a lot for them to get mad usually. HOWEVER they get irritated/annoyed over trivial things easily. for example, they’re trying to microwave food but the microwave isn’t working and they get mad ;-;

- taurus-scorpio axis means being materialistic and wanting things from other people/befriending other people if YOU get something out of it

- aquarius men tend to be incels, or they go through this yucky phase where they are incels 🤢

- aquariuses are on the internet too much lol pls go touch grass ty

- sagittarius placements tend to be mixed or there’s smth “exotic” abt you

- people love shit talking about leo women even if a leo woman has done nothing

- tw: autism, neurodivergence (?) im not trying to diagnose anyone or anything, but i’ve noticed that virgos tend to be neurodivergent or they’re more inclined to having autism. they might’ve had a family member who was on the spectrum as well

- scorpios are MAGNETIC. they attract a lot of people and have w rizz game

————————————————————————

these are my personal opinions/observations btw

[thehivemindsys]

Eddie Gluskin Headcanons because I cannot stop thinking about him and im bored

Happy holidays, I usually just am not happy during this time of year so I’m pushing down my emotions and writing angst. Enjoy. Tw: Self harm, CSA, rape, misogyny, violence, typical outlast stuff.

-Eddie hates bathing and has to be physically restrained if the doctors wish to get him clean. This is mainly due to his CSA, as Eddie was attacked a lot while he was in the shower-but it is also due to him feeling uncomfortable with being nude for long periods of time.

-Eddie hates dogs. His family had a dog that was specifically trained to bite him if he commanded it to. Eddie doesn’t own any pets, really, and believes that cats are too “feminine” for him.

-During his initial murder spree, Eddie killed around 34 people-men and women, who he all gave the definition of “bride” to. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity, and was sent to Mount Massive Asylum. For a time, he actually had a proper psychologist before he was eventually signed up for the Walrider program after he attacked the wrong guard.

-Eddie has diagnosed Schizophrenia, BPD, psychosis, and could possibly qualify for a DID diagnosis.

-Eddie could possibly qualify for DID because he has a few seperate personality states: a younger version of himself, trapped within his childhood, “The Groom,” the dominant personality states, and a version of himself that is haunted by his trauma, and rather prefers to be alone. Though it is unclear if this is DID or just due to his BPD (he does dissociate from reality quite often, though).

-Eddie’s favorite movie growing up was Sleeping Beauty, and often quotes it to the best of his memory. He believes that Prince Phillip is the perfect depiction of a devoted husband, and Aurora is the most beautiful woman in the world.

-Sketching and tailoring are his favorite hobbies. He most often draws women in goregous dresses, and has a very traditional Disney-like style to his artwork.

-Eddie believes that it is the 1950s and is incapable of perceiving the current year as it is. He writes things like computers, camcorders, and cellphones off as “advanced space-age technology.” Don’t ever ask him to operate a computer because he would have absolutely no idea how to do it.

-If Eddie could comprehend the concept of a trans person, he would for sure be a supporter-due to his psychosis and delusions, however, he couldn’t comprehend it even if he tried. He can’t even comprehend that he may be gay.

-Eddie may have targeted women before the asylum, but once he was incarcerated, he practically exclusively targeted men-even when there was a female presence in the asylum, he didn’t attack them nearly as much as he did the men.

-Eddie is actually a pretty damn good chef. He has to be, considering his only qualification for a good “wife” is that “she” has to be alive and breathing. (Even then…)

-Eddie has a love for salted caramels.

-Eddie has a hard time keeping his anger in check, and rarely keeps his hands to himself. He was transferred to an isolation cell after he groped a guard, and he was never really allowed out of maximum security afterwards. This, plus other forms of inhumane treatment at the hands of Murkoff, eventually led to his mental health getting worse and his transfer to the Walrider program once it was deemed that he was “too far gone.”

-Eddie may be a charasmatic, boisterous man but deep down, he is suffering from crippling lonliness and deep seated insecurities that will likely never fully go away.

-Eddie did self harm before he was transferred to Mount Massive.

-Eddie’s best friend in the asylum is Frank Manera canonically, but he does have a rather good relationship with many of the Variants, including The Twins and Chris Walker. He and Frank used to have cells right next to one another, and communicated through a hole in the wall.

[lizsos]

Hii. I know this is a weird request but could you do a non g!p Bada smut where Bada is a gynecologist and she fingers you with her rubber gloves on 🙈💋 and with her nurse outfit on 🫣

Hi anon! Thank you for your request <33

The Problem

▪︎warning : fingering , pet names , praise ,

▪︎Genre: smut

▪︎gynecologist : A gynecologist is a doctor who specializes in female reproductive health. They diagnose and treat issues related to the female reproductive tract.

If you were being honest , you always didn't have the satisfaction of finishing . Either if it was masturbation or sex in general. You tried hooking up with alot of people girl or boy and you had a lot of partners but it didn't change a thing .

So you thought the problem was you , you decided to go to a gynecologist to see whats wrong .

You were waiting for your turn in hall , as time passes the nurse comes out " miss y/n? " she said " ah , yes thats me " you said lifting up your hand .

"Please come in , its your turn" . You got up from your seat and went inside the room .

"Hello miss y/n , I'm Doctor Bada" you were completely caught off guard . SHE?! Was your doctor, if you didn't know she was your doctor you would've thought she wasa model or a celebrity, with her height, hair, face and body . Everything about her screamed famous.

But it was no time for you to fantasies about your doctor . "Nice to meet doctor" you said with a smile. She smiles in respond "shall we begin?" .

You sat in the bed and began to tell her whats wrong . "Hmm... did you ever use toys?" The question kind of embarrassed you , but you were here to see whats wrong so had to answer her . "No" you said shortly with a light blush in your cheeks .

Bada smirked , "miss y/n would you allow me to do something?". Seeing the look on her made you blush . "Of course" .

She comes closer to you , allowing herself to kiss softly down your neck . "Im guessing that your so called 'partners' didn't give you the right attention you deserve yeah?"

You whimper , thighs clenching , it was a wired feeling but you chruged it off . She sits on the bed and lifts you into her lap .

"Gonna make you feel so much better yeah?"

You breath out a moaning when she gently pries open your legs open . She opens the drawer next to her and takes out some rubber gloves and wears them . She begins rubbing lightly over your clit through your dampening panties . "Look at that already wet for me? Do you get this wet for your boyfriends to?" She says leaving small marks on your skin in the wake of her kisses .

She took her time to slide off your panties, middle finger swirling in your wetness making you whine .

"Patience, I'm getting to it ." When she began touching you , you felt something you've never felt before , something strong . "But I suppose that's a good sign right?" Bada asked you " y-yeah" .

"P-please h-hurry up " your hips automatically thrust into her hands desperate for something you don't know . Letting out a little mewl when she finally prods at your entrance . "Haah" your lips part in a moan when she buries two of her fingers into you , immediately curling them up to hit that spot you needed them to most .

"Faster" you moan loudly, back arching against her in a cry when she complies . Her thrusts becoming mean and hard as the rubber gloves are threatening to tear . Your hands grip at her board shoulders , mouth falling open in silent screams as her pace quickens even more .

Your stomach making you feel things you've never felt before , you felt it tighten . Your eyes rolled back , the sweet feeling in your inside gaining intensity as it shot up to your brain , your head getting fuzzy as you shook against her . The world around you going blank with the curl of your toes .

"F-fuckkk" you cry out as high pitched babble , tears welling in your eyes as you neared to realese . Bada holding you tight against her when your legs to involuntarily shut .

"Nope , girls like you gotta take it baby , you know you need to fucking take it " her whisper was so deep and husky , breath fanning over your ear as her thumb began to rub at your clit . "That's it my good girl"

Your noises only got louder as your legs trembled " fuck doctor, ahhh. 'M feeling strange" you let out a drawn cry as you cum .

A long clear stream sparying messily in front of you as she pulled away from your sopping hole . Using her palm to messily rub your clit as you continue to drench her thighs . "There you go... so fucking messy" she groans , turning your head to kiss you deeply as you shivered one last time , giving in to her lips against yours .

"I think your problem is solved" she said chuckling a bit as she took of her gloves and throwed them into the trash . You laughed along her as the two of you felt a connection and shared one last kiss .

[ghosty-dsmp]

Btw might edit this intro a lot, so check it out for some changemnents incase

Btw lately I've been posting a lot of vent and shitposting and idc ehat you belive in or what pro or anti something that you are, i really don't care, as long as your happy, be yourself, i also block freely , also, Most of the time i put a tw in the vents but sometime i forget

Hi!! Welcome to my intro!! Im a proshipper and whateverother terms for that are, im also pro paraphilia and maybe am one! I mostly do dsmp, but only the characters (c!), i do this for fun, my name is ghosty, im a boy (ftm) and im aroace, i am a kemonomimi, a racoon pretty sure or a frog (yea i know basic) (i am not a furry or a therian but i respect them), i am also a sadist which i hid this for year but i just said it out loud and also a masochist, and think of very fucked up disgusting things to do to people which i really don'twant to condon irl, i have dyslexia and autism, schizophrenia, i am hypersexual, depression, ocd, hpd, and other stuff, most of those are diagnosed (except hpd but i did lots and lots and lots of research on it for almost 2 years), i am a chronic ill person with heart disease that i will not name, lots of chances that i have pots, probably won'tbe able to walk once i turn 18 because of some genetics of bone problems. i will post random shit or reblogs or answer anonymous message or vent about my life, oh and im also 14 (soon 15) so please be 13+ if you interact!! Oh, im also canadian, so i might use terms that americans people won't understand, english is not my first language, Oh and idk if i said this already but i only have one character that i ship myself with, and its c!tommy (c! Are the characters while cc! Are the irl people, i am shipping myself with c! The characters)

Yay little edit!! I might flirt ir tease you but don't take it romantically cause it will only be plantonic, don't think that everything i say is romantically like one of my mutuals did, people thinking that when i tease or flirt with as romantically way is weird, i am going to say this again, i am aroace and do not feel any attraction to anyone and anything, when do flirt or tease you i mean ot in a plantonic way.

ignore if i say something that isn't about dsmp, i use my tumblr like a journal since i can't afford it irl and can't find one, so yea and btw this is my sign off -> 💿👽

My fav people -> @/puppies-of-tragedy, @/ghostbur-obsession @/frozenjuiceboxx are the only people that i actually care about, please go follow them, they are awesome

@/laromi-immoral (mood board made by them)

Got this from this post ⏬️

[psychabolition]

i think the funniest reason against self dx being that only drs are capable of thorough unbiased assessments is that most drs are not unbiased or thorough. they barely even assess.

True !! Its so funny when people reify a "professional judgment" about you that psychologists make in 0.2 seconds because of the jeans and boots you wear and your dyed hair. Like my clothing and hair dye unironically played a role in getting diagnosed with a personality disorder several times.💀 one psychiatrist told me that my top and boots look histrionic and my hair obsessive compulsive . Another one told me that Im antisocial because my jeans are ripped and I "sit like a rockstar" . no one can tell me that diagnoses are a scientific truth and not a moral judgement about me. Another one told me that he can tell by my hair and clothes and the way I sit and talk to him that Im "promiscuous" (=that I have a lot of casual sex) and that thats a sign of borderline . Im literally asexual .I dont know how I could ever take any diagnosis seriously .

But honestly I personally dont use the biomedical model (=which says that mental illness is the same as physical illness. This model tells us that if we have a psych label then we have "symptoms" of an underlying "illness" .) to understand my experiences at all anymore. I neither think of self dx nor of prof dx as particularly helpful. But honestly everyone can use the framework that makes most sense for themselves to understand their own experiences obviously. I would never tell someone that theyre using the wrong words to describe their own experiences or the wrong framework to understand themselves - I'm not a psychologist.

I personally reject all diagnoses and use a different framework instead of the biomedical model that makes more sense to me - the neurodiversity framework . I think of a lot of the experiences that got me diagnosed and that also made me label myself as "ill/disordered" as simply a deviation from "neuronormativity" (=whats societally deemed 'normal' to think/feel/do depending on your assigned gender/age/socioeconomic status/...) - this includes the norm deviation of "suffering more severely than others" . It just makes more sense to me since all mental illness diagnoses are solely descriptive labels - they literally only summarize experiences that you have . Thinking "well i do x because i have y condition (which was diagnosed based on clinician observations of x) and my brain is simply broken in a way requiring me to submit to expert clinical management and surveillance" was a sure way to make me go to therapy and try meds again and again and again . Like when I said "Im suicidal because of my depression (which is a label I got because I am suicidal)" it was like saying "I'm suicidal because I'm suicidal" . Its a circular logic . The question remains: what was actually the cause of my pain ??? Theres never been found a biological cause for any mental illness label by the way (neither low serotonin in depression nor a genetic defect in schizophrenia or that neurotypicals have a different brain than neurodivergent people or whatever else) .

So the reason why I personally dont see both, self diagnosis and professional diagnosis, as helpful is because it made me think I need to take medication and go to therapy to feel better and to lead a life that I enjoy . Its ironic that I ever thought that since therapy and meds always made my life much worse. and I know for certain that I would be doing better nowadays if I had never been to therapy and if I had never taken any meds. Believing that my diagnoses (self dx or prof dx) are true and say something about me made me think that I'll never be happy in life, that I'm a lost cause and that no one can help me (I was always labelled as non-compliant and as uncurably sick) . I dont think of myself as ill, I think of myself as neurodivergent (= deviating from neuronormativity) .

[attornsky]

Alrighty i wanna talk a little abt Sherlock & Co. I originally started listening to it cuz I honestly just wanted another form of media for Sherlock that I hadn't consumed yet, but i 100% stayed for the characters and plot.

With a little background, I am diagnosed with anxiety and get panic attacks. I don't wanna self diagnose but i believe i show signs of untreated adhd (im working on a way to get diagnosed and medicated 🤞) and as a result of these two things, my self esteem and grades at school declined so quickly and suddenly and it affected me so much. I graduated HS three weeks ago, and Im applying to medical school rn, but because of how i performed in my senior year, i have 0 confidence that I could even handle my pre-med preparatory year. I often consider myself stupid and below average because if I can't get good grades, then what am i supposed to do with my life? Anyway, due to my suspected adhd, I have a lot of sensory issues, especially sounds and touches, and nobody seems to understand. I get irritated from overstimulation and sometimes just wanna start crying in the middle of a busy street. It happened a lot during school. We were 36 students crammed into one classroom, so it was never quiet, and it made it even harder for me to concentrate. My school is known to be the worst in the country, and they're not accommodating to any student. We're also KG through 12, so there's always the irritating sound of kids yelling and shouting. I just couldn't handle the constant noise, and i couldn't wait to get home so i could get in bed, close the blinds, and watch a comfort show with my doggo sleeping next to me.

That's where the representation in Sherlock & Co comes in. They've written an adult character with sensory issues, who is open about them and his friends accommodate him. He uses ear defenders and sunglasses and makes an effort to understand his neurotypical friends. That just made me so much more comfortable about the fact that I constantly have noise cancelling earbuds shoved in my ears when I'm in public. I've even started wearing headphones instead (cuz it's better for ur ears ig??). Another thing is, they mention that sherlock, despite being super smart, didn't get good grades in college. And that's like!!! Yeah!! Standardised tests are awful and serve no purpose except shatter students' confidence when they don't get the desired grade. It's not a "one shoe fits all," and it shouldn't be. Everyone has strong points that couldn't be measured using a multiple choice exam. I can't even begin to count the number of panic attacks and breakdowns i get from anything school-related. I've seen close friends break down in uncontrollable tears from bad test scores. And these same friends are the most intelligent, well-spoken people I've met. Just because they couldn't memorize 200 pages of physics formulas and definitions doesn't mean they're worth any less. I don't know. That line from S&C just stuck with me.

Anyway, yeah. This podcast just makes me feel so soft and comfortable and fills me with relief and confidence. I don't know how to explain it.

[rantz-for-st0ry]

ig the good thing about making a research doc (which I'm dubbing as 101s) for the aforementioned person is that, now, ppl cant fake claim me for allegedly not doing research and just googling the disorder, looking at "silly websites" and relating to a few of the symptoms listed!! a thing I actively advise against!! I got receipts on my years of research into DID now!! I got sources I can fuckin cite!

most of this rant is in the tags cus I didn't wanna clog up my complaining Abt this person post w my "fake claimers r fucking stupid" rant

never befriend ppl w a names. it never goes well. /vvvlh /silly (as in I mean no real offense to ppl w a names)

[tf2heritageposts]

Q AND A for our pinned post so people stop asking us these things

q. why do you use we/us? are there multiple mods?

a. no there is only one person who runs this account and it’s a person with did. we do not take quesrions. sometimes alters will post and do sign offs

q. why do you use i/me when talking about tfc heavy?

a. because i’m a cheavy fictive deal with it. look up what a fictive is yourself im tired of explaining

q. do you hate medic?

a. not even remotely, i actually love the character and the alter of him in our head quite a lot

q. you mention having a gi bill and talking with the va sometimes. are you in the military?

a. christ no. we’re a military dependent, which means we get the benifets of it without being in the military from our estranged family

q. why are you estranged from your family?

a. if you look at this blog long enough you’ll find out why

q. what’s the deal with your ex?

a. check the tag #the delilah situation and never talk to me about this, any asks will be deleted and i don’t take questions

q. i want details on x trauma

a. no

q. why do you have beef with x person? what’s the deal with you and x?

a. it most likely happened when we were 16-17 and even if it didn’t i don’t take negative questions regarding other people on this blog. i try to be positive. also, somehow this isn’t obvious i guess, don’t harass or even talk to people who you think i have beef with(i might not even know them stop assuming everything), and don’t tell me their every move. are you insane?

q. do you reaaaallly have did?

a. yes and we’re not faking and if you post us to any form of ableist cringe subreddit we will be taking legal action. find out if we’re joking

q. can you diagnose me with x?

a. we are not a medical professional and not taking psychology to become a therapist, we cannot diagnose any condition you may or may not have. we can give advice to the best of our ability but we don’t know you probably so

q. how should i use your pronouns?

a.

when referring to us as a collective, use they/it plural and call us the teufort dozen

eg:

they’re on their way to the store and they’re going to pick up wood to make themselves shelves for their apartment. the teufort dozen doesn’t care about security deposits because their rabbit already chewed up the carpet

when talking about me specifically, you can call me cheavy or tf2heritageposts and nothing else unless i’m friends with you, and use he/it NO THEY

eg:

cheavy really walks a lot, i’m surprised he doesn’t break his legs more. he really loves the bus

q. who do you main in tf2?

a. heavy and sometimes i play every other class except medic

q. this blog isn’t a heritage blog anymore

a. you’re an idiot and the queue has been going on since this blog has started. filter #not a heritage post dumbass

q. you should lose weight

a. i am actively trying to gain weight

q. what color is your hair

a. i don’t know

q. can i ask you questions specifically towards a specific alter?

a. yes you can! but please be aware that we’re not roleplaying and they can in fact get mad at you or decide not to respond to you

q. can i ask you about your source (memories)?

a. sure!

q. i am contacting you on behalf of someone else who you used to know

a. leave me alone

q. are you safe?

a. yes we’re very safe, we have many knives and we will kick a bitch

q. have you seen weird al’s albuquerque the movie

a. i watched it today for the 30th time as of writing

q. what’s your major?

a. currently getting my associates in general psych

q. are you aware you’re kind of stupid

a. yeah

[sirius-archive]

Hello my beautiful cinnamon buns,

First off im not really sure if anyone uses tumblr anymore lol. But I wanted to give my love to everyone who’s stuck with me 😭😭😭 I love you sm.

Second I want to address what’s happening with Chaos Theory and Young Gods. I’m not going to lie; I was plagued with writers block for months and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. So I swapped my uni course from veterinary medicine to literature and creative writing which has helped me immensely and it’s something I really enjoy!

Then my dog died and I got diagnosed with a rare disease after a two year rollercoaster of endless specialist appointments, blood tests, biopsies, ED visits and procedures ✌️so that was fun.

The new diagnoses meant I have spent a lot of time resting and My new uni course has kind of steered me in a new direction and I can’t help but notice how cringe my writing used to be 💀 like you guys deserve so much better than the cringe shit I used to write lol.

So anyway all this is to say that I have not given up on my two WIPS. I’ve kind of got an idea of what I want with Chaos Theory but it’s just a matter of writing it. I’m also not sure if I should start in Year 3 or Year 4 because I’ve got ideas for both. As for young gods I haven’t given up on that either. That’s all I can say for that lol.

I want to also add that I’ve created a new account bc this one is connected to an email address I don’t use anymore. I’ll no longer be active here. So sign up here if you still want to live w me in hell. @sirius

Anyway that’s all for now my beautiful butterflies 🦋 I love you all! Thank you for sticking with me and if you haven’t I understand totally lol.

[beesmygod]

i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.

i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".

the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.

i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.

like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.

this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.

i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.

lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?

[bullet-prooflove]

Blankets - Bishop Losa x Reader

Tagging: @witches-unruly-heart @annetje @abby2 @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @the-wandering-lunatic @alwaysachorusgirl @vannabanana1995 @beardedbarba @multifandomloversworld @camelia35 @queeniesdiary @est1887 @lilvampirina @creativitybeware @genius2050 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @kishie8 @saltyunicorn079 @nessamc @spaghettificationandpretzels @nu1freakshow @lyly00 @oureternalbond @beccabarba

When Bishop first meets you, he isn’t at his best. He’s exhausted, the stench of smoke and cordite clinging to his skin. He’s seen too much tonight; he just wants to go home and drink himself into oblivion, but he can’t because now there’s a kid involved that he has to do right by.

When he’d heard that there was a stash house in his backyard he was pissed. He thought the club had sent a clear message the last time Vatos Malditos had encroached on their territory, but apparently, he had been wrong. They’d expected drugs, a little smack, a couple of kilos of coke but they hadn’t expected the kid. He’d known they were into some dark shit but trafficking kids for sex…

Putting bullets in those animals had been way too fucking quick.

They’d found the kid cowering in the corner of a princess themed bedroom, nine years old he guessed, hair in pigtails, a schoolgirl’s uniform with a skirt that was far too short and a tie that was far too low. They’d tried talking to her in English and then in Spanish, it wasn’t until Bishop saw her hand gestures that he realised she was deaf. He couldn’t imagine how fucking terrifying that must have been, to be at the hands of monsters with no way to communicate, to have your voice stripped away from you. He knew a little sign language; he’d started learning when Aidan had been diagnosed with hearing difficulties.  He’s rusty has fuck but he manages to tell the girl she’s safe, that no one in this room is going to hurt her, she signs back to him quickly, too quicky and he has to hold his hands up so that she understands that he’s a novice.

He discovers her name is Mari and she sticks to him like glue after that. He’s forced to ride in the van with Creeper because she refuses to let him out of her sight.

It’s Coco that suggests taking her to the community centre. Stitches has been running a clinic out of there and knows the manager, she’s helped out in situations like this before. It’s a happy place he tells Bishop, kid friendly and they’ve been doing some great work in the community. He can’t stand the idea of just dropping Mari off at social services, so he has Creeper swing by.

You’re waiting by the front door when he arrives. It’s been a while since he has been by this way and the place has changed a lot. Shit has been going downhill since the Galindo Agra Park project stalled and it looks like you’ve stepped up, he notes the additional services that are now on offer. The clothing drives, the food banks, the pop-up children’s library…

All of these things make difference to people who are barely managing to keep themselves afloat.

He thinks he recognises you, but he can’t be sure, it might have been back after Aidan was born and he was taking him to the Tummy Time play sessions. Even back then he knows he would have noticed you. He’d been committed to Antonia, but there was definitely something about you.

“Thanks for helping out with this.” He says, shaking your hand. “I only know a little ASL.”

There’s a thrum of connection there, something he hasn’t felt in years. He almost pulls away, but he finds that he can’t bring himself too. You like him, he’s gruff but earnest. He could have dumped Mari at social services, but he chose to bring her here, to a place that hopefully she’ll feel safe so that you can find out more about her.

Mari refuses to venture anywhere without him, so he finds himself seated on a red bean bag in the children’s library, his motorcycle boots resting on a brightly coloured patchwork rug. It makes his chest ache being back here, it’s different than before but the memories of Aidan, they’re everywhere. When he sees the Gruffalo book, it almost feels like he can’t fucking breathe.

It’s the motion of your hands that distracts him. You’re sitting cross legged on the rug across from Mari, continuing a conversation in ASL. It’s moving too fast for him to follow, but he’s captivated by the flourish of your movements, the speed and grace in them. It’s clear that Mari’s impressed too. The kid has been withdrawn ever since they found her, now she’s animated and rapt. He figures it’s been a long time since anyone’s actually spoke to Mari in her language.

“She says she was brought here by her Uncle.” You tell him later on in the break room, your hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. “When he couldn’t pay his own fee, he traded her to pay off the rest.”

“Man, that’s fucked up.” He says, his gaze on the young girl curled up under a blanket on the couch. The kid is fast asleep, a stuffed lion clutched to her chest, it breaks his fucking heart. “What’ll happen to her?”

“I have a friend who works at a charity who deals with this sort of thing. She’ll be here in a couple of hours.” You told him with a grimace. “Sadly, it’s more common than you think.”

Bishop sags back in his chair, his head tilting back as he sighs. The world is a fucked up place and he knows that but tonight, somehow it feels a thousands times worse.

“Obispo.” You say his name quietly, your hand coming to rest upon his. It’s warm, your touch. He doesn’t expect it, part of him wants to yank his hand away because that brief moment of connection is too much. He’s been alone for such a long time, he’s forgotten what it feels like to have someone actually give a shit, about him, about the people around them. You could have told him to fuck off tonight, you could have called social services, stayed at home drinking a glass of wine or whatever you did to wind down, but you hadn’t. You’d stepped up and he fucking admired that. “You did a good thing tonight. If you hadn’t found her…”

You let the words trail off  because the truth is you can’t bring yourself to say it. He gets that, he doesn’t want to think about it either. He slouches down in his chair, arms crossing over this chest. It’s cold in here, colder than he thought it would be. You’re wearing a black sweatshirt with white stars over your jeans, it clings to your form in a way he tries not to notice. All he has on is a short-sleeved shirt and his kutte.

“I’ll stay until she gets here, your friend.” He says, his gaze coming to rest on Mari as he rubs his hands together to warm them. “I don’t want her to wake up scared.”

“Ok.” You tell him, before snatching up a blanket from the back of the second couch and handing it to him.

He shakes his head.

“I don’t need that.”

“You have goosebumps.” You point out, gesturing at his biceps. “I’m still working on getting the heating fixed but it’s a process…”

He fixes you with a stare, it’s meant to be a glower but you can see the exhaustion in his handsome features, how tired he is both mentally and physically. He’s stubborn, you shouldn’t like that, but you do. You set the blanket down in his lap. He huffs before rolling his eyes and shaking it out. You watch as he tucks it around his chest and upper body, drawing it up to his neck.

“I’m doing this because the heating’s out.” He tells you with a scowl.

“Not because it’s comfortable as fuck,” You summarise. “Yea I think I got it.”

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence as you busy yourself collecting the coffee cups and depositing them in the sink.

“You didn’t have to stay you know.” You tell him, glancing at him over your shoulder. “I can keep her company.”

Bishop tilts his head towards the little girl asleep on the couch, he remembers the way she clutched onto his kutte when he helped her to feet, how she refused to let go of his hand when they’d first stepped inside the community centre…

“Yea.” He said, closing his eyes as he hunkers down in the chair. “I do.”

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