#like im not diagnosed but I have a lot of signs

[indagolive]

I forgot how much I just... loved playing games.

Like recently I've started/continued playing Persona 5 Tactica, Xenoblade Chronicals Definitive Edition, Paper Mario TTYD, Kirby Return to Dreamland, Legend Of Zelda a Link Between Worlds, Kid Icarus Uprising and Splatoon 3, ALONGSIDE my constants of playing Minecraft, Smash Ultimate and Pokemon

For a while I was trying to manage doing one game at a time, so I wouldn't have started a new game until I beat the one I was currently playing. But I think that just caused me to have less time ENJOYING each game, and just made playing the current one feel like something I HAD to do.

I'm not exactly super far in any of the games I mentioned, but I'm chipping away at all of them when I feel in the mood. and it feels great! Genuinely, if you've caught yourself in the mood of "I don't know what to play", I promise you just grab one thing from your "Backlog" and just start chipping away at it. Even if you have no intentions of finishing it for a long time there aren't rules to how you enjoy Video Games.

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

hands and knees begging myself to be responsible tonight bc i have so much to do but i can feel in my heart irresponsible brain is going to win and im gonna end up drawing and making myself more behind and stressed but like i spent 8 hours researching and writing art history texts at my internship do i fucking want to research for my history class tonight even tho i should so i can let the professor know if my topic is viable? no i want to draw. and like even research aside i need to do dishes and laundry and pack

[yatiso]

oh my g-d i cant take it any more i have to get professionally diagnosed or really preferably professionally told off the record (if such a thing is allowed) what the hell is wrong with me bc i cant take trying to figure it out on my own any more

[m1shapanda]

am i autistic

[requiemsystem]

ADVICE FOR NEWLY DISCOVERED OR SUSPECTED SYSTEMS

if you suspect you may be a system or have recently discovered that youre a system, things can be confusing and hard. im making this post as someone who has been aware of being a system for about 5 years and has been diagnosed for 2. these are things i wish we knew and did. i hope it will be helpful to some of you and i wish you luck on discovering things about yourself and your system keep in mind everyone is different and systems are no exception, so what i list here might be incredibly beneficial for one person but do nothing for another. find what works for you. i will try to provide a variety of advice in order for you to see what fits you best DO YOUR RESEARCH research the disorder, try to find others experiences and things you think would help you. this is especially helpful if you are suspecting and not yet sure if you have it, researching symptoms and others experiences can be very helpful in determining START SYMPTOM LOGGING this can be as simple as "i blacked out today" or "i dont feel like myself right now", you dont have to be identifying switches or putting names to alters, theres no rush to be able to do that and some systems have no desire to do that symptom logging is useful because it can help you identify potential triggers and patterns in your symptoms. for example, if you can remember what happened before a period of amnesia and remember being exposed to a stressful event or something potentially triggering, this would be worth writing down to see if its a recurring pattern REACH OUT TO OTHER ALTERS this can be done in a variety of ways, but the easiest way would be to leave a note in a place itll be seen. for example, a sticky note on a mirror (if you live with other people and cant do this, try leaving a note on your phone in a frequently checked app) i would advise saying something along the lines of "hello, i am (name) and i would like to communicate with you. i suspect we have a disorder called (DID/OSDD) and we share the same body and mind. please write back to me in (location, can be a notebook or app etc) and tell me some about yourself if you feel comfortable" but you can say whatever works for you. i just think the main points to cover are having DID/OSDD and introducing yourself as well as asking for an introduction in return START WORKING ON COMMUNICATION this takes a lot of practice, so i always say its better to build up early rather than late. we have a whole post on it that can be found here REMINDERS AND THINGS TO REMEMBER if you do not remember your trauma, do not dig for it. it isnt safe to try to remember trauma without professionals help. if you happen to remember, thats one thing, but dont intentionally seek out triggers to try to remember denial is common and not a sign of faking, if you were faking you would know and would not be in denial. being wrong about having DID/OSDD (if you are suspecting but not sure) is not the same as faking no two systems are the same. you dont have to look exactly like some other system you know or online to be real its normal to not know everything right away. you wont know all your alters immediately, you may not be able to access (and you may not have) your innerworld, you probably wont remember all of your trauma without professionals help, etc. its all normal its totally ok to keep information about your system private. there is no need to share with anyone you do not feel completely safe and comfortable with switching at any frequency is normal, there is no "correct" amount to switch. any amount of alters is normal, there is no "correct" amount of alters. any level of amnesia is normal, there is no "correct" level of amnesia apps like simply plural and bots like pluralkit can be incredibly helpful for some systems, but there is absolutely no pressure to use them if you do not feel comfortable - grey

[bitchstrologyyy]

astrology observations from my notes lol

- if you have mars in 3H, you probably hang out with your siblings a lot or your siblings play a big role in your life

- mars 3hers also tend to be the eldest child in their family too

- is it just me or have i noticed that venus-ruled signs (libra and taurus) placements are the type to bring perfumes, small hair combs, gum, and etc with them? i’ve noticed this alot with the libra and taurus suns at my school, ESPECIALLY LIBRAS! they’re always taking care of themselves, and they care a lot about their physical appearance

- those with aries + taurus placements in their charts tend to be apart of the lgbtq+ community, or they’re comfortable with their sexualities

- negative moon-pluto (square, opposition) indicate a controlling, obsessive, unstable or mentally ill mother. the mother could’ve been secretive or prone to paranoia. especially moon square pluto!!

- negative sun-pluto (square, opposition) indicate problems with father or in the family

- virgos make amazing artists and writers. they also have a “dark” way of thinking— stephen king, tim burton, hajime isayama. very creative people

- if you’re an aries sun or have aries placements, you may like the blood aesthetic or the idea of ‘blood’ because mars rules ur sign. mars rules war, blood, anger, sex, energy, and action

- aries moons don’t get mad easily, and i feel like they’re very levelheaded when it comes to difficult situations. it takes a lot for them to get mad usually. HOWEVER they get irritated/annoyed over trivial things easily. for example, they’re trying to microwave food but the microwave isn’t working and they get mad ;-;

- taurus-scorpio axis means being materialistic and wanting things from other people/befriending other people if YOU get something out of it

- aquarius men tend to be incels, or they go through this yucky phase where they are incels 🤢

- aquariuses are on the internet too much lol pls go touch grass ty

- sagittarius placements tend to be mixed or there’s smth “exotic” abt you

- people love shit talking about leo women even if a leo woman has done nothing

- tw: autism, neurodivergence (?) im not trying to diagnose anyone or anything, but i’ve noticed that virgos tend to be neurodivergent or they’re more inclined to having autism. they might’ve had a family member who was on the spectrum as well

- scorpios are MAGNETIC. they attract a lot of people and have w rizz game

————————————————————————

these are my personal opinions/observations btw

[lizsos]

Hii. I know this is a weird request but could you do a non g!p Bada smut where Bada is a gynecologist and she fingers you with her rubber gloves on 🙈💋 and with her nurse outfit on 🫣

Hi anon! Thank you for your request <33

The Problem

▪︎warning : fingering , pet names , praise ,

▪︎Genre: smut

▪︎gynecologist : A gynecologist is a doctor who specializes in female reproductive health. They diagnose and treat issues related to the female reproductive tract.

If you were being honest , you always didn't have the satisfaction of finishing . Either if it was masturbation or sex in general. You tried hooking up with alot of people girl or boy and you had a lot of partners but it didn't change a thing .

So you thought the problem was you , you decided to go to a gynecologist to see whats wrong .

You were waiting for your turn in hall , as time passes the nurse comes out " miss y/n? " she said " ah , yes thats me " you said lifting up your hand .

"Please come in , its your turn" . You got up from your seat and went inside the room .

"Hello miss y/n , I'm Doctor Bada" you were completely caught off guard . SHE?! Was your doctor, if you didn't know she was your doctor you would've thought she wasa model or a celebrity, with her height, hair, face and body . Everything about her screamed famous.

But it was no time for you to fantasies about your doctor . "Nice to meet doctor" you said with a smile. She smiles in respond "shall we begin?" .

You sat in the bed and began to tell her whats wrong . "Hmm... did you ever use toys?" The question kind of embarrassed you , but you were here to see whats wrong so had to answer her . "No" you said shortly with a light blush in your cheeks .

Bada smirked , "miss y/n would you allow me to do something?". Seeing the look on her made you blush . "Of course" .

She comes closer to you , allowing herself to kiss softly down your neck . "Im guessing that your so called 'partners' didn't give you the right attention you deserve yeah?"

You whimper , thighs clenching , it was a wired feeling but you chruged it off . She sits on the bed and lifts you into her lap .

"Gonna make you feel so much better yeah?"

You breath out a moaning when she gently pries open your legs open . She opens the drawer next to her and takes out some rubber gloves and wears them . She begins rubbing lightly over your clit through your dampening panties . "Look at that already wet for me? Do you get this wet for your boyfriends to?" She says leaving small marks on your skin in the wake of her kisses .

She took her time to slide off your panties, middle finger swirling in your wetness making you whine .

"Patience, I'm getting to it ." When she began touching you , you felt something you've never felt before , something strong . "But I suppose that's a good sign right?" Bada asked you " y-yeah" .

"P-please h-hurry up " your hips automatically thrust into her hands desperate for something you don't know . Letting out a little mewl when she finally prods at your entrance . "Haah" your lips part in a moan when she buries two of her fingers into you , immediately curling them up to hit that spot you needed them to most .

"Faster" you moan loudly, back arching against her in a cry when she complies . Her thrusts becoming mean and hard as the rubber gloves are threatening to tear . Your hands grip at her board shoulders , mouth falling open in silent screams as her pace quickens even more .

Your stomach making you feel things you've never felt before , you felt it tighten . Your eyes rolled back , the sweet feeling in your inside gaining intensity as it shot up to your brain , your head getting fuzzy as you shook against her . The world around you going blank with the curl of your toes .

"F-fuckkk" you cry out as high pitched babble , tears welling in your eyes as you neared to realese . Bada holding you tight against her when your legs to involuntarily shut .

"Nope , girls like you gotta take it baby , you know you need to fucking take it " her whisper was so deep and husky , breath fanning over your ear as her thumb began to rub at your clit . "That's it my good girl"

Your noises only got louder as your legs trembled " fuck doctor, ahhh. 'M feeling strange" you let out a drawn cry as you cum .

A long clear stream sparying messily in front of you as she pulled away from your sopping hole . Using her palm to messily rub your clit as you continue to drench her thighs . "There you go... so fucking messy" she groans , turning your head to kiss you deeply as you shivered one last time , giving in to her lips against yours .

"I think your problem is solved" she said chuckling a bit as she took of her gloves and throwed them into the trash . You laughed along her as the two of you felt a connection and shared one last kiss .

[spectrumgarden]

I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.

There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:

They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.

This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)

And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.

And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.

However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?

I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.

autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!

And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.

There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.

I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.

I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.

[attornsky]

Alrighty i wanna talk a little abt Sherlock & Co. I originally started listening to it cuz I honestly just wanted another form of media for Sherlock that I hadn't consumed yet, but i 100% stayed for the characters and plot.

With a little background, I am diagnosed with anxiety and get panic attacks. I don't wanna self diagnose but i believe i show signs of untreated adhd (im working on a way to get diagnosed and medicated 🤞) and as a result of these two things, my self esteem and grades at school declined so quickly and suddenly and it affected me so much. I graduated HS three weeks ago, and Im applying to medical school rn, but because of how i performed in my senior year, i have 0 confidence that I could even handle my pre-med preparatory year. I often consider myself stupid and below average because if I can't get good grades, then what am i supposed to do with my life? Anyway, due to my suspected adhd, I have a lot of sensory issues, especially sounds and touches, and nobody seems to understand. I get irritated from overstimulation and sometimes just wanna start crying in the middle of a busy street. It happened a lot during school. We were 36 students crammed into one classroom, so it was never quiet, and it made it even harder for me to concentrate. My school is known to be the worst in the country, and they're not accommodating to any student. We're also KG through 12, so there's always the irritating sound of kids yelling and shouting. I just couldn't handle the constant noise, and i couldn't wait to get home so i could get in bed, close the blinds, and watch a comfort show with my doggo sleeping next to me.

That's where the representation in Sherlock & Co comes in. They've written an adult character with sensory issues, who is open about them and his friends accommodate him. He uses ear defenders and sunglasses and makes an effort to understand his neurotypical friends. That just made me so much more comfortable about the fact that I constantly have noise cancelling earbuds shoved in my ears when I'm in public. I've even started wearing headphones instead (cuz it's better for ur ears ig??). Another thing is, they mention that sherlock, despite being super smart, didn't get good grades in college. And that's like!!! Yeah!! Standardised tests are awful and serve no purpose except shatter students' confidence when they don't get the desired grade. It's not a "one shoe fits all," and it shouldn't be. Everyone has strong points that couldn't be measured using a multiple choice exam. I can't even begin to count the number of panic attacks and breakdowns i get from anything school-related. I've seen close friends break down in uncontrollable tears from bad test scores. And these same friends are the most intelligent, well-spoken people I've met. Just because they couldn't memorize 200 pages of physics formulas and definitions doesn't mean they're worth any less. I don't know. That line from S&C just stuck with me.

Anyway, yeah. This podcast just makes me feel so soft and comfortable and fills me with relief and confidence. I don't know how to explain it.

[rantz-for-st0ry]

ig the good thing about making a research doc (which I'm dubbing as 101s) for the aforementioned person is that, now, ppl cant fake claim me for allegedly not doing research and just googling the disorder, looking at "silly websites" and relating to a few of the symptoms listed!! a thing I actively advise against!! I got receipts on my years of research into DID now!! I got sources I can fuckin cite!

most of this rant is in the tags cus I didn't wanna clog up my complaining Abt this person post w my "fake claimers r fucking stupid" rant

never befriend ppl w a names. it never goes well. /vvvlh /silly (as in I mean no real offense to ppl w a names)

[sirius-archive]

Hello my beautiful cinnamon buns,

First off im not really sure if anyone uses tumblr anymore lol. But I wanted to give my love to everyone who’s stuck with me 😭😭😭 I love you sm.

Second I want to address what’s happening with Chaos Theory and Young Gods. I’m not going to lie; I was plagued with writers block for months and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. So I swapped my uni course from veterinary medicine to literature and creative writing which has helped me immensely and it’s something I really enjoy!

Then my dog died and I got diagnosed with a rare disease after a two year rollercoaster of endless specialist appointments, blood tests, biopsies, ED visits and procedures ✌️so that was fun.

The new diagnoses meant I have spent a lot of time resting and My new uni course has kind of steered me in a new direction and I can’t help but notice how cringe my writing used to be 💀 like you guys deserve so much better than the cringe shit I used to write lol.

So anyway all this is to say that I have not given up on my two WIPS. I’ve kind of got an idea of what I want with Chaos Theory but it’s just a matter of writing it. I’m also not sure if I should start in Year 3 or Year 4 because I’ve got ideas for both. As for young gods I haven’t given up on that either. That’s all I can say for that lol.

I want to also add that I’ve created a new account bc this one is connected to an email address I don’t use anymore. I’ll no longer be active here. So sign up here if you still want to live w me in hell. @sirius

Anyway that’s all for now my beautiful butterflies 🦋 I love you all! Thank you for sticking with me and if you haven’t I understand totally lol.

[beesmygod]

i know an anon suggested ocd to you the other day, and i didn't see the original message but i know it was a bit fraught. but i am a longtime follower who has ocd who also thinks you may have ocd. and with the reblog you just did i'm like well, maybe i can say a little bit.

i've been sitting on sending a message for a long time because (1) trying to diagnose someone on anon is so fucking weird, i am very aware and ashamed of this weirdness in sending this to you, don't worry, (2) it seemed so obvious to me and you've already talked about other mental health issues and such that i was like "no, surely she must already know she has ocd and is just choosing not to talk about it (completely understandable, i don't do it on main), and then i would also be weird for forcing her to out herself".

the thing with morality-adjacent ocd is that a lot of the base thoughts, in a vacuum, are fine. if you hurt somebody some level of shame is good so you can reflect and correct your behaviour. caring about doing the right thing and refusing to do things that violate your principles is good. it's the intensity and all-consumingness of the thoughts that is the problem.

i mean i say morality but it applies to other ocd too. you should wash your hands and keep your place clean as much as you can, but obsessively avoiding contamination by washing your hands for half an hour straight... etc. it's ultimately egodystonic - it takes the thing you hate the idea of the most and convinces you that is what you really are.

like you are genuinely an admirably principled person, more than many, and it's good that you do the right thing instead of the easy thing. but your anguish about like, not contributing enough good to the world as a comics artist and things like that screams morality ocd self-punishment to me... and repeatedly talking about it feels like a confession compulsion. which i also have, kind of! i feel the compulsion *to* confess, but i don't, because if anyone forgave me or told me it wasn't a big deal they obviously haven't formed a sound judgment because (1) they are morally depraved themselves, (2) i didn't explain myself properly and they didn't understand why it's bad, (3) they're my friend and being more permissive with me because they like me, so they're too biased.

this was long, sorry. but you're a good artist and i like your work and i hate seeing you suffer like this. and if you really don't have ocd, well, i'm just another weirdo armchair psychologist anon vanishing into the void.

i appreciate this and thank you for being kind+brave enough to send this while medication juggling is really making me insane new ways. i have not been diagnosed w/ocd and only started kicking the idea around not too long ago when cornered by the inescapable nature of my thoughts/feeling, the fact that no one understands what the hell i'm ever talking about, and seeing signs of it in someone else very close to me. and i guess incidentally learning more about how it develops/is treated.

lol your bit abt internally responding to how ppl try to comfort your "confessions" rings very true. i never thought of my posts as confessions but like im desperately trying to get a hold on a reality that makes sense to me because when reality doesnt make sense, it feels perilous and fleeting. like, doesnt anyone else feel like this? why am i the only one who sees this? how am i supposed to understand what i'm supposed to be doing to live a life that isnt equivalent to a sewage drain that empties out into people's houses if i cant even understand whats happening?

[bullet-prooflove]

Blankets - Bishop Losa x Reader

Tagging: @witches-unruly-heart @annetje @abby2 @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @the-wandering-lunatic @alwaysachorusgirl @vannabanana1995 @beardedbarba @multifandomloversworld @camelia35 @queeniesdiary @est1887 @lilvampirina @creativitybeware @genius2050 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @kishie8 @saltyunicorn079 @nessamc @spaghettificationandpretzels @nu1freakshow @lyly00 @oureternalbond @beccabarba

When Bishop first meets you, he isn’t at his best. He’s exhausted, the stench of smoke and cordite clinging to his skin. He’s seen too much tonight; he just wants to go home and drink himself into oblivion, but he can’t because now there’s a kid involved that he has to do right by.

When he’d heard that there was a stash house in his backyard he was pissed. He thought the club had sent a clear message the last time Vatos Malditos had encroached on their territory, but apparently, he had been wrong. They’d expected drugs, a little smack, a couple of kilos of coke but they hadn’t expected the kid. He’d known they were into some dark shit but trafficking kids for sex…

Putting bullets in those animals had been way too fucking quick.

They’d found the kid cowering in the corner of a princess themed bedroom, nine years old he guessed, hair in pigtails, a schoolgirl’s uniform with a skirt that was far too short and a tie that was far too low. They’d tried talking to her in English and then in Spanish, it wasn’t until Bishop saw her hand gestures that he realised she was deaf. He couldn’t imagine how fucking terrifying that must have been, to be at the hands of monsters with no way to communicate, to have your voice stripped away from you. He knew a little sign language; he’d started learning when Aidan had been diagnosed with hearing difficulties.  He’s rusty has fuck but he manages to tell the girl she’s safe, that no one in this room is going to hurt her, she signs back to him quickly, too quicky and he has to hold his hands up so that she understands that he’s a novice.

He discovers her name is Mari and she sticks to him like glue after that. He’s forced to ride in the van with Creeper because she refuses to let him out of her sight.

It’s Coco that suggests taking her to the community centre. Stitches has been running a clinic out of there and knows the manager, she’s helped out in situations like this before. It’s a happy place he tells Bishop, kid friendly and they’ve been doing some great work in the community. He can’t stand the idea of just dropping Mari off at social services, so he has Creeper swing by.

You’re waiting by the front door when he arrives. It’s been a while since he has been by this way and the place has changed a lot. Shit has been going downhill since the Galindo Agra Park project stalled and it looks like you’ve stepped up, he notes the additional services that are now on offer. The clothing drives, the food banks, the pop-up children’s library…

All of these things make difference to people who are barely managing to keep themselves afloat.

He thinks he recognises you, but he can’t be sure, it might have been back after Aidan was born and he was taking him to the Tummy Time play sessions. Even back then he knows he would have noticed you. He’d been committed to Antonia, but there was definitely something about you.

“Thanks for helping out with this.” He says, shaking your hand. “I only know a little ASL.”

There’s a thrum of connection there, something he hasn’t felt in years. He almost pulls away, but he finds that he can’t bring himself too. You like him, he’s gruff but earnest. He could have dumped Mari at social services, but he chose to bring her here, to a place that hopefully she’ll feel safe so that you can find out more about her.

Mari refuses to venture anywhere without him, so he finds himself seated on a red bean bag in the children’s library, his motorcycle boots resting on a brightly coloured patchwork rug. It makes his chest ache being back here, it’s different than before but the memories of Aidan, they’re everywhere. When he sees the Gruffalo book, it almost feels like he can’t fucking breathe.

It’s the motion of your hands that distracts him. You’re sitting cross legged on the rug across from Mari, continuing a conversation in ASL. It’s moving too fast for him to follow, but he’s captivated by the flourish of your movements, the speed and grace in them. It’s clear that Mari’s impressed too. The kid has been withdrawn ever since they found her, now she’s animated and rapt. He figures it’s been a long time since anyone’s actually spoke to Mari in her language.

“She says she was brought here by her Uncle.” You tell him later on in the break room, your hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. “When he couldn’t pay his own fee, he traded her to pay off the rest.”

“Man, that’s fucked up.” He says, his gaze on the young girl curled up under a blanket on the couch. The kid is fast asleep, a stuffed lion clutched to her chest, it breaks his fucking heart. “What’ll happen to her?”

“I have a friend who works at a charity who deals with this sort of thing. She’ll be here in a couple of hours.” You told him with a grimace. “Sadly, it’s more common than you think.”

Bishop sags back in his chair, his head tilting back as he sighs. The world is a fucked up place and he knows that but tonight, somehow it feels a thousands times worse.

“Obispo.” You say his name quietly, your hand coming to rest upon his. It’s warm, your touch. He doesn’t expect it, part of him wants to yank his hand away because that brief moment of connection is too much. He’s been alone for such a long time, he’s forgotten what it feels like to have someone actually give a shit, about him, about the people around them. You could have told him to fuck off tonight, you could have called social services, stayed at home drinking a glass of wine or whatever you did to wind down, but you hadn’t. You’d stepped up and he fucking admired that. “You did a good thing tonight. If you hadn’t found her…”

You let the words trail off  because the truth is you can’t bring yourself to say it. He gets that, he doesn’t want to think about it either. He slouches down in his chair, arms crossing over this chest. It’s cold in here, colder than he thought it would be. You’re wearing a black sweatshirt with white stars over your jeans, it clings to your form in a way he tries not to notice. All he has on is a short-sleeved shirt and his kutte.

“I’ll stay until she gets here, your friend.” He says, his gaze coming to rest on Mari as he rubs his hands together to warm them. “I don’t want her to wake up scared.”

“Ok.” You tell him, before snatching up a blanket from the back of the second couch and handing it to him.

He shakes his head.

“I don’t need that.”

“You have goosebumps.” You point out, gesturing at his biceps. “I’m still working on getting the heating fixed but it’s a process…”

He fixes you with a stare, it’s meant to be a glower but you can see the exhaustion in his handsome features, how tired he is both mentally and physically. He’s stubborn, you shouldn’t like that, but you do. You set the blanket down in his lap. He huffs before rolling his eyes and shaking it out. You watch as he tucks it around his chest and upper body, drawing it up to his neck.

“I’m doing this because the heating’s out.” He tells you with a scowl.

“Not because it’s comfortable as fuck,” You summarise. “Yea I think I got it.”

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence as you busy yourself collecting the coffee cups and depositing them in the sink.

“You didn’t have to stay you know.” You tell him, glancing at him over your shoulder. “I can keep her company.”

Bishop tilts his head towards the little girl asleep on the couch, he remembers the way she clutched onto his kutte when he helped her to feet, how she refused to let go of his hand when they’d first stepped inside the community centre…

“Yea.” He said, closing his eyes as he hunkers down in the chair. “I do.”

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

[zebulontheplanet]

Hello

I am so sorry if this not good to ask/ the right place to ask (idk how tumblr works yet). Please lmk if so and i will not do it again /gen.

I am concerned I may be exhibiting signs of catatonia. I know it is not smth to be self dxd and is very serious but I can't find a huge amount of useful things online and idk what to do so i thought id ask you so i can get a better idea of whether to seek professional help seeing as you have lived experience with it. I hope that's okay

I have slowly been losing skills over the past year (not in burnout). Ive lost a lot of maskjng ability, I find speaking harder and often talk like a younger child despite my advanced vocabulary as a result, I get stuck on tasks and now need physical or verbal prompting to do a lot of tasks like bADLs i didnt need this for before (not counting iADLs bc i dont need to do those because im 15, nearly 16, altho i doubt they would be better). My sensory issues have worsened and so have my meltdowns and shutdowns (which were already not great). I have episodes where I feel like I literally cannot move and my body won't move or will only move very slowly or jerkily. It is like it won't process what my brain is telling it to do. I also stim more often and far more noticeably. Idk who to go to. :(

What other overall areas does catatonia cause decline in - for example does it cause social skills to decline, etc? I've noticed my social skills worsening quite a lot too which is why i ask.. the stuff ive found online can be a bit vague/ confusing or not what i want to know.

I'm scared because idk what is happening and it's really confusing. You don't have to respond to this and I'm sorry for rambling.. is it worth going to a professional? Can this kind of thing be caused by other stuff? If I were to go to a professional it would probably take ages because the waitlists are so long here. I'm just really confused and kinda scared and I dont want to lose more skills :(

Hello, so regular catatonia is different from autism catatonia with regression. Catatonia is very serious, and if you believe you are having it then PLEASE seek out medical attention. Autism Catatonia is usually regressive, and gets worse with time without treatment. Which, I am personally experiencing and it’s the reason I’m on medication for it.

Catatonia is a very serious condition, and can be life threatening in some. So it’s important to know the warning signs and contact a professional. Do NOT wait and contact someone as soon as possible.

Regression is hard, but regression doesn’t mean catatonia. So if you think you’re experiencing regression then that doesn’t automatically mean you have catatonia, if that makes sense. Catatonia for me is episodes of complete freezing, and episodes of slowness. Even outside of tasks I have catatonia. Although tasks are a huge trigger for my catatonia.

Please don’t try and self diagnose it and seek out medical help. I hope you have a lovely day and get the help you need. ❤️

[multiplicity-positivity]

hi there! maybe you have some advice for this: how do you convince your system you probably have a physical disability?

im being kind of vague because im not 100% sure but its really exhausting to deal with this. everyone in our system but me and a few others are ignoring the clear signs (of a specific thing i dont wanna name) and i dont know what to do to convince them to AT LEAST look into it and try to get help. its tiring and frustrating to be the only one trying to do anything, especially because i only really front when we're having particularly bad/noticable symptoms.

its just, theyre all treating it like its fine? like its just a joke? when its not? i think everyone is just in denial and doesnt want to aknowledge the possibility of also being physically disabled because theyre worried about "taking away from people who are really disabled" as if we arent.

tldr: system is in denial about us having some sort of physical disability for sure, and i dont have the energy to do ALL the research and such on my own. help?

Hi! This sounds like a lot for one headmate to deal with on your own. We’re sorry to hear that you’re having trouble getting your headmates to take your concerns seriously! There’s a few things we can think of which may be able to help you here.

1. Could you call a system meeting and be up front with them about your suspicions? Often systems have symptom holders, and they may genuinely not be aware of the full extent of y’all’s symptoms because they’re just not experiencing them like you are. So perhaps some clear and blunt communication about what you’re going through and what your thoughts are might get through to them! If there are others who are also taking your concerns seriously, maybe you could try to speak to them beforehand to see if they can have your back during this meeting. You can say that you are not being heard, respected, or taken seriously by your headmates, and tell them how their actions are making you feel!

2. Could you get some outside help? Whether or not you have a loved one who knows about your system, could you voice your concerns about this potential disability to a friend, family member, doctor, therapist, or other trusted person? This way, you become less reliant on your headmates who don’t believe you about this disability and are able to receive some support from someone else. They may be able to help you get in touch with a specialist or someone who could eventually diagnose your system, if diagnosis is something you want!

3. Could you keep a symptom log in a visible place where other headmates can see it? When you’re struggling, record it! Keep track of your symptoms and how they are affecting you. Then perhaps leave that log in a place where you know other headmates may encounter and read it. If you are a symptom holder, they very well may not be aware of the full extent that these problems are affecting you. So leaving a record that clearly expresses your distress and discomfort may help them start to understand what you’re going through.

4. Could you remind them that ignoring a disability doesn’t make it go away? In fact, doing so can cause it to worsen over time. We recognize that you may definitely understand this fact! But it may be worth it to remind your headmates of this at every opportunity. Until they take your concerns seriously enough to get y’all to someone outside your system who can help you, keep reminding them that, if your suspicions are correct and they continue to disrespect you by denying your concerns, the whole collective may face dire consequences in the future.

Also going along with this point ^ one person being disabled doesn’t “take anything away” from other disabled people. If you all have this physical disability, then you are already disabled, whether they want to admit it or not! You won’t be taking away resources allocated for “actually disabled” people by at least looking in to the possibility of having this disability. There’s not a set limit of disabled people who are allowed to exist in the world. ALL disabled people deserve resources and support, even those who are questioning, undiagnosed, or have seemingly “minor” disabilities.

We know that a lot of these choices may end up causing a bit of conflict, but for many systems, conflict is unavoidable. It seems to us like your genuine concerns for the safety of your body and your system aren’t being taken seriously… and we really hope that this will change in the future! We’re going to link our post on handling in-system conflict in case it may help you in any way:

We hope this helps! Again, we’re really sorry you’re going through this. We hope that your fellow system members will be able to start taking your concerns seriously very soon!