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hiemaldesirae · 6 months ago

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The Hazbin Graduate’s Guide to Homicide (3)

HAZBIN'S MIDSEMESTER STUDENT REPORT Student: Vox Vanhal Supervising Staff: Professor Enoch Leviathan Sponsor: Not Applicable To the Board: Vox Vanhal may be one of the most brilliant students this school has seen in decades. In all my years of teaching at Hazbin, I have never met a student more insanely ready to learn and apply their skills- due in part, of course, to said student's own possible insanity. I mean this in a jovial way, of course, but I will admit that when young Vanhal's true identity was revealed to me that my first thought was along the lines of 'is this student insane?' Whether or not my student's reason should be called into question is something myself and my fellow professor Asmodeus have discussed in length, but there is one thing that we can definitively agree on: If there is any one student in this school who I would choose to place my bets on, it would be Vox Vanhal. There is nothing more to say at this time of report evaluation. Sincerely, Professor Leviathan.

May God's blessings be with you now and at the hour of our deaths, Amen.

[ 1 ] / [ 2 ] (<- read these first for context and more murder academy radiostatic content!)

Though Alastor may have thought that Vox was much more knowledgable in how Hazbin's Institution for Homicide worked, the truth was, Vox was still fully flying on the seat of his own coattails.

He had no damn clue what he was doing still, and although it'd been two weeks since he'd arrived, part of him still felt like how he did when he'd first arrived: hesitant, scared, not knowing where to go or what to do besides the want to make his boss suffer as he killed him.

That level of animosity might sound strange to anyone not a Hazbin student or alumnus, but it was perfectly normal for any student enrolled in the academy to have such feelings. After all, there was quite a rigorous process involved in the application, and for Vox, this application process (and what led to it) was perhaps more intense than most.

There had once been a time where Vox had dreamed of becoming a Hollywood starlet, one who lit up the silver screen and was blessed by hundreds of thousands of cheering, dedicated fans who would fawn over his every move and action. He'd wanted to follow in his mother's footsteps, at one point. But after taking on his first roles in Carmine Studios, the glamour of Hollywood had shattered like fine glass.

"Miss Vesper! Would you please look over here for a second?"

"Miss Vesper, when is your next movie coming out?!"

"Miss Vesper, is it true that you and your co-star on Anna Karenina, Valentino Vega had an affair-?"

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! That- fucking bastard!" Vox rushed into the privacy of his and Val's shared apartment, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed into the couch, head cradled in his hands. He couldn't even begin to start detailing the number of ways he'd wanted to fucking butcher and rip apart his boss.

Andrealphus Goetia was no stranger to the spotlight, naturally. One of Hollywood's top directors, the man had been an influential cornerstone in the history of movie-making, a real legend to light the days. But behind that picturesque platinum reputation laid a monstrous piece of shit.

It had been a complete accident that Andrealphus had found out about Vox's identity.

Vox himself hadn't even really planned out what to do about himself at that point, only that he'd known that the dresses he wore on screen were far more suited to his best friend than they were for him. Knew that the copious amounts of makeup flattened on him everyday made him feel more like a clown than a princess, that it was the most uncomfortable feeling to have to sit and play the pretty face for the audience's sake.

But he persisted, telling himself, one more year, one more year til my savings account has enough to supply Val and I with a comfortable life and we can leave.

But of course- of course Andrealphus had to ruin it for him.

The man had found out and immediately proceeded to blackmailing Vox with the information, holding things such as promotions, media gossip and rumors over his head. And now... now... Vox stared down at the script he held clutched in his hand, his knuckles turning white as he grasped it with an iron grip.

"Dieser verdammte bastard," Vox muttered under his breath.

Though he'd never loved the spotlight that came with his first taste of fame, he had loved acting. Had loved being adored for his skill, applauded for the emotions that he could evoke in crowds of people and the way he could twist people's hearts. He had wanted to be one of the best, a household name.

And now, he stared down at the script for a movie that Andrealphus knew would tank his reputation. It was absolute bullshit. The plot was held together by thin strings and a bit of glue, despite being an adaptation of one of the past decade's best selling books. Not only that, but the moment he left the safety of the apartment once more, he would also have to contend with the rumors that were steadily piling against him and dragging his loved ones and friends into it too.

All this, because Vox had refused to sleep with his shitty boss.

He could still hear the fucker's voice- come on, don't you wanna say that you got a piece of me? I'll even leave out the part about you being a transvestite, darling, just the fact that I got a piece of you is enough.

God. If only.... if only he could see that bastard's face when he crushed his fucking skull in between his hands. He wanted to see Andrealphus' stupid face contort in revulsion and terror when Vox finally did the deed, wanted to bathe in the the fotze's inbred blood. He'd do anything for the chance to just kill that piece of shit-

"Amorcito?"

Val's voice makes Vox jump on the spot, quickly shifting to hide the script from view. His friend comes around the corner, eyebrows furrowed with concern, and it's this that makes Vox break his composure, a single tear falling down his face as Val frowns, taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Voxxy, amor... tell me what's wrong."

And because he can never keep his mouth shut when it comes to his best friend, Vox tells him everything. Val nods along, pauses at the right moments, all of that stuff that friends do when they're trying to let you know that they'd rip apart your shitty boss if not for the law.

But- and perhaps this is something that Vox knew deep down to be true anyway- Val was a bit different in that aspect. He'd met the man under... less than legal circumstances, after all, and he knew that Val was the heir to quite the illustrous cartel career.

So when Valentino stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder and hands him an application paper for Hazbin, telling him to think it through, Vox barely takes even a second glance at it before filling it out.

Now, two months later and sitting in the auditorium of Hazbin's famed Music Hall, Vox doesn't find himself regretting the decision. Sure, it's a bit lonely without Val's supporting presence by his side, but the students he's met so far have proved to be some of the friendliest people he's had the pleasure of knowing: ironic, considering the kind of school they're studying at. And he's even managed to make a friend! Not that bad a start, altogether.

Vox absentmindedly doodles on the edge of his notes as Professor Leviathan's soothing voice lectures them on the importance of a proper alibi. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, but it has an airtight alibi, it is...?"

"Not a duck," the auditorium echoes back to the professor, who nods, looking satisfied with the class's response. "So, then! The first step to alibi making is...? Miss Velvette, perhaps you'd like to answer this one for us?"

The girl sitting beside Vox shoots up in her seat, looking as if she'd just fallen asleep and was awoken by the professor's question. "Uh... the..."

After a moment of silence and stuttering, Vox takes pity on the girl, sliding Velvette over a slide of paper that she squints at before reading. "Make sure you're in a different place from the crime?"

"And how would I do that?"

"I... uh. Use an accomplice...?" Velvette stutters.

Professor Leviathan shakes his head, looking disappointed. "Not quite. One thing you will have to learn at Hazbin's is that you should never rely on any other person to carry your deed out for you. No hiring accomplices- after all, paid personnel's loyalty is shaky and they have no honor code preventing them from taking you to the police- and absolutely no committing crimes as lovers, unless you can guarantee that neither of you will be snitching. Would anyone else like to take a try?"

Vox raises his hand hesitantly. "Move the crime scene or otherwise obscure the culprit?"

Professor Leviathan snaps his fingers, "Yes! Absolutely. One of the best ways to make yourself an iron clad alibi is, if the pope is shot in the church at midnight, make sure that you are seen halfway across town in the bar at midnight; so drunk that you cannot even leave until your wife comes to pick you up at two- and no one will suspect you, even if he was actually killed right outside the pub and moved to the church instead. By moving the crime scene, you can make yourself an ironclad alibi. Obscuring the identity of the perpetrator and making it someone who couldn't possibly be you also works splendidly. After all, if the police believe the murderer to be a six foot tall adult man, then the actual perpetrator, a four foot tall young woman, would be able to pass by completely unnoticed. Thank you for that input, Vox. Now, onto the actual creation of such an alibi..."

When class ends, Vox is the first to leave his seat and head for the door, intending on leaving and getting to Track with Professor Satan as quick as possible when someone stops him in his tracks with a firm grip on his shoulder.

"Hey. Vox Vanhal, right?"

"That would be me, yes," Vox turns to face the person he's talking to, only to be met with the young woman that Professor Leviathan had called out in class earlier. "You were... Velvette?"

"Yep, that's me," the chipper young woman responds. "Listen, I know you don't know me at all, but I really need to get through this school year. Like- look, okay, I'm in a little bit over my head right now. I still want to go here and do what everyone here does, of course, I'd love to just go and plunge a damn butcher's knife into my cunt of an ex-friend's neck, but... well, you saw how I did back in class- look, what I'm trying to get at is I need someone to help me. And you're like, Leviathan's star student. So- I don't care what I have to do, I'll-"

Vox holds up a hand to stop her.

"I don't need you to do anything for me, unless you've got any tips on how to kill my boss and make him suffer during it. But I'll help you with whatever you need to study during your courses. Just..." He pauses, taking a moment to think out what he's about to ask. "Could you teach me how you did your makeup on your own?"

Velvette blinks, clearly not expecting that response. She laughs, a shrill, sharp bark and grabs his hand to shake it firmly. "Yeah, 'course I can. So, do we have a deal?"

"We do," Vox smiles. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

#it would probably have made more sense for val to be the mean boss but i couldnt make myself go there #valvox friendship is still so dear and true to my heart im sorry villain val enthusiasts i couldnt do it #sorry andrealphus im sure youre not as bad a guy as im making you (i still have not watched hb)#there's not really much radiostatic in this installment sorgy #but on the brightside: i get to write vox and hes batshit insane and only keeping it together by the flys of his pants soo #Oh right. final thing to address voxs inner dialogue is VERY different from how he speaks proper bc hes used to covering up his feelings on #screen already so its really just like playing the role with everyone around him. but yeah he curses a lot and speaks german quite a bit #vals the only one (So Far) who he actually lets the mask down around and the relationship they have is soooorta weird cause vals gay but in #the way where he doesnt see vox as a 'real man' even tho he accepts and affirms his gender. so yeahhh thats complicated but it is the 50s #they do love each other but its not romantic. its like a qpr except one of them (val) sees it more as a lavender marriage #radiostatic #hazbin hotel #chai writes #ran rambles #EDIT FUCK I FORGOT TO TAG IT #the hazbin institution for homicide practitioners

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crystalpallette · 17 days ago

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Hello, deranged doppelquestioner here once again at 01:02 to ask the question:

How does Carbuncle have merch, let alone bootleg merch, if The Arles(collective) also have Carbuncle.

BETTER QUESTION UNLOCKED: Is Satan rich and famous and turned Carbuncle into merch(possibly puyoesque video games?) which has since been rippes off, and did The Arles take him anyways. Are The Arles down to do crime. Are The Arles down to do gay? To others because I just realized how that sounds im not that sleepy yet. They have a good role model in Ally.

Have a good day btw :3

Hi this just occured to me id have put it in the last post if I could have. Rarle and Blarle, That is all. -Dopplepondererer at approximately 01:12

rarle and blarle is hysterical thank you so much. to (finally) answer your question: the short answer is that it's "carbuncle" merch in the way that all "simple white rabbit" merch is miffy merch, if that makes sense?

the long answer is. well. i drew it.

the longer answer, because that technically doesn't answer the question very clearly either, is that this is word-of-god retconning to justify giving them something that realistically would not exist. it's "totally generic yellow rabbit" that totally isn't carbuncle. no see look the yellow rabbit doesn't have a rubelcrack. but it is... carbuncle. i swear. for the rest of the ask; i have no idea where satan is? maybe he's the ~enigmatic masked headmaster~ again. maybe he's a teacher. maybe he's... the arles's weird family friend? i'm imagining the arles live apart from their parents for [INSERT REASON HERE] and maybe satan is the dude that checks in on them sometimes on behalf of their parents. i'll figure out where he goes someday. the arles are also infinitely down to be gay do crime, though arle would need a bit more convincing than doppel. they do have a good role model in ally, tbh all of us should follow her example. love everyone and be gay about it

#puyo puyo #puyo puyo school au #arle nadja #doppelganger arle #carbuncle #thanks for asking!!#my stuff #maybe satan is equivalent to the uncle-thats-not-an-uncle youve known all your life that always shows up at family events #despite not being related at all. who keeps inviting him? i dunno but ok he's part of the family now?#maybe he gave the arles carbuncle when they were littler. or they found carby in the woods like in ars episode a. who knows LOL not me #(to be real he's here because i find it so funny that in the drama cd where everyone's in high school despite there being no obvious magic #arle still has carby anyway.)#((also there's probably magic in this au. just a bit more toned down than canon))#ANYWAY i need everyone to know even though ive been drawing these two as arguing every past installment they love each other very much.#they argue because they're just Those Siblings #hmm i had one more thought but i think that's it for now. if i remember it i'll edit it in later o7 #OH DAMN WAIT THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SFX ON THIS #uuuuuugh ive already crossposted.. just know.... there was supposed to be two KACHUNKs in the panel with arle holding the gachapon balls....#thats fine. this is fine #anyway the thing i remembered is that if i go with the weird family friend angle for satan i will have to retool his whole #arle is my fiance shtick. that may fly in canon but in this universe. where everyone's just generally normal.#i think he'd end up on a watchlist if i didnt tweak that a bit #anyway im gonna be thinking about the missing kachunks for the rest of my life

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