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sellidionne · 6 years ago

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so I realized I didnt put trigger warnings on my other posts talking about rape and I’m sorry.

but I left out the fact that it was a tinder date. I actually left out a lot, I didnt tell the whole story and I havent told this to anyone in person either but I want to get it out somewhere. now, the guy from tinder wasn’t the one who raped me. it was another guy who was there,

this is going to be a long post

the tinder guy and I talked for a litle bit here and there before I went. he seemed nice and would send me snaps every day. so at the time, it all felt like I had just misunderstood the situation but now that I think about it, it seems a little weird.

so this guy was originally supposed to come pick me up from my house and we were going to go get food and maybe see a movie. but then he suggested me going there because we could eat something and then go swimming later since there was a pool in the backyard. I was up for it so I said okay and drove out there.

when I was leaving he had told me it was only 25 minutes. my gps said 48. I went anyway. then I got there I learned that its not even his house, its his friends and they were having a small pool party. I didnt expect there to be other people but I figured that he probably wanted to see how I got along with his friends and everything and there was a girl there so I just sat with her while he ran out to the store for snacks and stuff. she was really nice and the guys kind of stuck to themselves playing in the pool, I felt fine about the whole thing.

now,, tinder guy said hello when I got there and introduced me to his friends but then he kinda didnt pay any attention to me for the rest of the time that we were outside. and it didnt bother me then, he was playing in the pool, I wasn’t, so it kinda just made sense. but then we all went inside and were going to smoke on the screened in porch, the girl went in to pee and then the guys went in to get alcohol and to roll so i was left out on the porch for a while because they all ended up standing in the kitchen talking while two of the guys rolled and the other made drinks. I just stayed on the porch since i was smoking a cigarette but tinder guy eventually came out and sat and talked with me for a little bit. everyone else came about 10 minutes later so we all started smoking and drinking.

now, I dont smoke often but I can smoke a whole blunt by myself and be fine. we shared between 8 people (a couple of other people came after a while). and I can drink an entire bottle of fireball and just be tipsy. now idk what was up with me that night but I had one shot and two moonshine soaked cherries and then only hit the blunt 4 times and at first I was fine but then i started to feel nauseous and then I felt hot in the face but cold on the back of my head and I felt incredibly dizzy. so i got off of the stool i was sitting on and went and got on the couch that was on the porch. i sat there and just waited it out.

by the time the nausea went away, most of the people went inside to play video games (including tinder guy) and I was left outside with two of the guys. guess who being one of them. the three of us talked for about 20 minutes or so and then the guy that owned the house started telling everyone he was going to bed so people started leaving. it ended up being just me, tinder guy, and ‘you know who’ left (I dont know what to call him.). tinder guy was still inside but the other guy asked me if I could give him a ride home, said that the guy that brought him home left and that he was on the way to where I was headed. I said sure. tinder guy came back out and offered to give him a ride home shortly after but he told him that I already would. now, this conversation at first made me feel like he wasnt wanting me to give him a ride, and idk maybe he didnt and im just reading into it too much, but heres what happened.

tinder guy asked if I was sure, I said I didnt mind since it was on the way and I had already told him yes. he told me that he could take him and I still said it was fine. now i took that as him either being nice or possibly being jealous that i was gonna drive another guy home even though i came to see him. but I was honestly a little annoyed that he ignored me for all but 10 minutes the entire night and that it was 1 am and i still had to drive another 48 minutes and be at work in the morning but I was also just trying to be nice and save him having to go the opposite way from his house to take this guy home. so I said I would.

we all started saying goodbye to each other, the guy who lived there went inside so the three of us went out to the yard, and I started walking to the car. but it wasnt until I got to the car that I realized the guy wasnt following me so i just sat on the hood of the car and waited. it was about 15 minutes before he came to the car and I guess wiinder guy went back in because he didnt come through the gate. I didnt think anything of it, I thought they were just talking about something you know? like theyre friends right? we’ll touch on this later.

so ‘you know who’ got in the car and I turned my lights on and realized someone had parked behind me. I dont know why I didnt realise that until after I got in the car, i still had some of that weird lightheaded feeling and my brain was a little foggy but I figured I had driven while high before so id be fine. I couldnt figure out how to get around the car without driving all over the guys lawn though and he was trying to direct me on what to do but I didnt want to hit another car (some people stayed the night there so there were about four cars around mine) so he offered to do it and I let him get in the drivers seat.

so once we got out of the driveway, I expected him to stop and get out but he kept going and asked if it was okay if he drove to his house so he wouldnt have to give me directions. it made sense to me at the time because he knew where he was going, I didnt. and even though i wasnt liek ‘i cant walk or speak’ high or drunk but i did have slightly delayed reactions. and i remember him asking how I knew tinder guy so I told him from tinder and he asked if it was supposed to be a date and I think i said that I wasnt sure. but I know that i wasnt hearing some things he was saying because at one point he had apparently been asking me if he could ask me a question but I didnt answer so he typed it on his phone and held it in front of my face instead. I hadnt smoked in a while so I think thats why I did got so high before and was still high at this point but I mean i dont really smoke much anyway and that feeling has only happened one other time when I smoked a blunt and a half by myself and held my breath on the last inhale. but this was only four hits so its odd when I think about it.

but the question he asked me basically boiled down to asking me if i wanted to fuck. it just took him 5 minutes of elaborate explaining to do that. I said that wasnt what I came here for and that I needed to go home because i had work.

at this point, we had pulled into a neighborhood but I’m pretty sure he just drove the car around in circles all over the neighborhood either a) to confuse me about where his house was because they all look the same or b) to stall. probably both. because I have no idea which house was his or how we even got there, i just remember it was on the right side. and he also spend 15 minutes driving around this neighborhood trying to talk me into hooking up. he kept saying that it was an opportunity, that it was something I’d be able to tell my kids when I got older, that i would never have to hear from him again. I kept telling him that i wasnt going to, that i shouldnt, that i couldnt, but since i didnt say no he parked the car and asked if i wanted to. i hesitated, was going to say no but then he started talking again and gave his whole ‘this is an opportunity; speech again. and it honeslty was like he was asking so many questions and talking so much and I was trying to process it all at once but it all just like mixed together so I just interrupted him

I finally turned completely in my seat and looked at him, apologized, told him that I thought he was nice and i thought he was good looking but that I needed to go home and that i wasnt going to do that tonight because I could tell that I wasnt able to focus good, because I couldnt, my head was hurting and it felt like I was only processing things after they happened, and he said “okay but can I at least get a kiss? just one?”. I hesitated and tried to laugh it off and again, said that I couldnt but he started leaning to me and I honestly wasnt that opposed to just kissing him, like i said I didnt think he was bad looking or anything (although dont remember anything about his facial features anymore) so I didnt move and let him kiss me. it was a bit of a long kiss and he had his hand in my hair but when I felt him put his other hand on my thigh I pulled away and said that I had to go home again but he pulled me back and kissed me again and he started putting his hand in my shirt and it didnt even register until his hand was almost completely in my bra but I pushed it down and pulled away and I did say no to that, i remember that, so then he just sat there and tried to talk me into letting him touch me. I admit, I wasnt opposed to just like making out and messing around, I kind of liked the attention at first (key words), I just didnt want to have sex. so when he kissed me again i didnt really do anything but kiss back.

but then it just got harder and he shoved his tongue down my throat and I tried to kiss back a little bit but then it honestly felt like he was going to crush my head inbetween his hand and his face like it wasnt even like he was kissing at that point, it was like he was just using his mouth to shut me up he was just pushing so hard so I started trying to pull away and to talk and everything but it wasnt working because I he was holding the back of my head and then he put his hand in my pants and started touching me and put mine in his and it was at that point that I thought maybe I should just compromise so i pulled away as much as i could and told him that I would give him head but I wouldnt have sex with him. I didnt really want to do that but I was more willing to do that than have sex with him. he said he wanted to go somewhere more private. I knew that was a bad idea but I also didnt say anything because I also didnt want to be walked up on while I was giving head you know? so he drove down the road a little bit and to a spot with no houses, there was a pond on the right side a little away from the road and I could see houses down the road on the left but there weren’t any directly around us. I started giving him head, I was leaned over the middle console and he kept trying to pull my leggings down but every time he did, I sat up so he finally like smacked his lips and said ‘fine, I’ll just take the head then’ and thats when he started holding me down and he held me down so long once that I felt like i was going to choke or throw up or something. he put his hand in my pants again and put his fingers inside of me but i pulled his hand away and when he let go I immediately sat up again.

I thought about just getting out of the car and i dont know why i didnt, why it took me so long to do it but when I started to reach for the door he reached over me and pulled the lever so the back of my seat went down and he started to get on top of me and i just panicked a little bit but I just started talkign, i kept saying that I couldnt and that I wasnt going to and that i wasnt on birth control ( I was but only had been for a week and a half) and he said ‘fuck that’ I’ll pull out’ but I said that pulling out was shit because I could still get pregnant and went to sit up and push him away but that was when he hit me in the face and got me in the nose and it burned and i guess it kind of just stunned me? i dont know but like my head was pounding after that even though it didnt break or i wasnt bleeding, it just hurt a lot and he pulled my shirt up and unhooked my bra so he could pull it up. he was sitting on my thighs and had one of my arms held against the seat and I had used the other to check if I was bleeding but it didnt feel like I was so i was going to try to push myself up or push him off or something when he got up a little bit to take my pants off but then he elbowed me in the face and that one got me in the mouth and my top and bottom teeth pierced into my lips a little bit on the right side and then he did it again and that split my bottom lip

so after that, idk I just went with it and let him do it. i even helped him get my shoe off when he couldnt get my leggings off around it.. and while he was doing.. that. he kept yelling at me to move up in the seat and when I didnt move enough (I was scared but I didnt want to move to make it easier so I only moved like an inch), he pushed me up and then put himself inside of me and he held my head up and told me to look. he held my head like that almost the whole time but I closed my eyes or tried to just look to my side out the window instead.

then when he was done, he got out on my side and pulled his pants up, and got back in the car. but I didnt close the door when he got out so I just sat there with it open and stared at the road for a minute before he asked if I was ready so I finally stood up to at least put my pants back on but left my bra unhooked and half off because I didnt want to take my shirt off to fix it. and then he drove back to his house when i got back in. once we got back there, he was looking for his wallet and reaching between the seats and everything and I honestly hoped he wouldnt find it and assume he left it at the guys house so I could just get his name but he finally did. so we got out and he started to go around the front of the car towards his house so i went around the back to get in the front seat but he came back around and made me hug him and when I hugged him he said ‘dont you fucking tell anybody” and then as he started walking back he said it was ‘our little secret’ and made the ‘shh’ sign at me.

so after that i just drove down the road a little bit and fixed my bra and shirt and put my gps on and literally raced out of that neighborhood and once i got on the main road i just started bawling.

now the point of saying all of this was not just to get what happened out there so somebody knows (I havent even told my parents or best friend all of this. i just said that i was raped and that he hit me once. i didnt say that i have speculations that i may have been slipped something in my drink. i didnt say that i was going to compromise. i didnt say that i was high. i didnt say that he busted my lip (by the time i told anyone, it had started healing over enough that i could pass it off as just me picking at chapped lips). and i dont know why but I feel like the more details the more it would hurt or something??

but I think tinder guy may know about it. or maybe thats why he invited me. I dont know. because the day before he was talking about us going somewhere and then he asked if I had any female friends because he had a friend that was single and needed a girl but my friends are all in relationships. so the fact that he left me outside with this guy a few times makes me wonder if he was actually said friend.

and the next day I asked him if he knew that guys name. but he said he had just met him that day, that he only knew a nickname. but for the next three days he was on his snapchat. im pretty sure that was him. i dont know why i cant remember his face, i mean it was dark the whole time we were outside but maybe because i didnt think much of him so i didnt pay attention much when we were actually in the light on the porch? I just saw a guy with a hat and a short goatee and a septum piercing that night and then there was a guy with a hat and a short goatee and septum piercing on his snapchat for three days in a row afterwards and he hasnt sent me anything since. I finally took him off of there today, even though he may not have had anything to do with it, hes friends with the guy so I want nothing to do with him.

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tipsyexplorer · 4 years ago

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2.18.21

maybe it’s time to get back on here

to just post long form free flow thoughts.

you think you were over something, maybe have forgiven someone about it but then you read the post again and a flood of memories just come back. like exactly how you feel and you don’t feel okay. you’re hurt by what you read bc you know what’s how they still feel about you. that’s how they still see you.

it stinks not to get recognized by all the work that you have done for them. for that one particular person and how much you have sacrificed for them. how you’re scared to really show them who you are or share things with them. just like little comments really doesn’t want me to help them or like makes me more willing to share things with them. and idk it just hurt. i just feel so hurt right now.

why is my first comment or train of thought to just end it. it’ll be so much easier, my ife would be better. I dont rely on anyone right now anyway, I don’t go to them for support I have friends to do that with so really why am i keepingthem around. bc i feel bad that they dont have anything? i htink that’s why....and like i already feel like i do so much that i just can’t also do the emotional part of it all. it just all feels so overwhelming like why do i need to provide for the financial and the emotional part now and like okay you were depressed but you didnt get any help and then your response is you dont have money

well you apparenlty have burger money. and like delivery money. but you cant find a sliding scale therapy like. idk just shifted priorities and you just think a magic gadget or whatever new thing would fix it or whateber. i havent seen you take one picture with your camera that you got or the other one that you got like it doesnt make you better i can probably make better things take better phtos with a polaroid you just got to go and do it and not just blame you dont have the best material. like its just so...sad to me like thats just what you resort to. and maybe i can be more supportive but at the same time i just feel so supportive already like how is this even possible to be like this.

and i guess i know that about myself like i think i’m over something but then i read it all over again and it hurts i think it hurts bc its not true. its not true and like i guess i personally know its not true but he just sees me being online as like...self obsessed. do you see how little i take selfies now how little i take pictures of food and how little i am on social media how little i post or do things that i like. liek it has drastically changed.

and now im tearing up bc of material things?? like this isnt me but i guess its more tearing up that it doesnt seem like he really thinks about me or tries to do things. he says he wants to go on trips he wants to do things oay then plan them??? and its always you dont have money thats like the literal excuse okay then plan things that dont cost money??? i always have said that but tthen you get overwhelemd and then get sad we dont do anything like bro im so tired of planning things im tired of planing on what to cook what to do like its just so annoying land its so frustrating bc i dont speak up

i get it i should speak up and say somethig if its really bothering me and its not fair to them taht they dont know but also how can they not know??? like i’m just so confused. idk if they even know how much money they technically owe me not even counting the portion where you didnt pay but also just the portion where you agreed to pay and didnt like. ugh

i dont understand. i can be so great and i am so great. i am so great and giving and creative. i am not shy and want to share things with people i want to be able to not be scared to say something and to speak up on stuff. but it just feels like walking on egg shells and not know what to do. maybe its my period and maybe i’m emotional right now.

i just gotta focus on myself. keep doing things for myself nad grow. i dont want to be stuck like this i dont want to be bogged down. i want to be able to just do as much of something that i like and thats just so hard. i

why am i so concnered with your jealosy and your sadness it like really effects me. i mean we have been stuck together inside for so long and i am tired of it too. but i need to save money bc the cost of living has gone up and i have less pay. and i realy should price my things up and like have commissions on the side. i know i should do this i know i can do this. i just...

maybe this is where i should post what i want from a partner. i want someone who doesnt make me feel bad. doesnt make me feel about wanting things about really getting into something and like really enjoy something soeone who sees all of the work that i put into something. it almost feels like i should have failed or something but like if you knew me you would know how much work i really put into something like it shoudl be obvious but it always just seems to be written off

i want someone who i can depend on and that also means financially i want osmeone who has a plan who has a plan and an idea and drive i want someone who is working on themselves and who sees that they might not be there but can be there. i want someone who is confidnet i want someone who is confidentn in thsemvels and will take care of things. i want someone who will split the respnosibilities evenly with me to make things porportionally fair .

i want someone who i am comfortable with someone who i am comfortable around someone who will try to udnerstand me someone who isnt so quick to judge isnt so quick to be defensive i’m just trying to dot he best someone who isnt so down on thesmevles and if they are in a rut then they realize that and they do something about it. like you cant expect change by doing the same thing like thats just not smart

i want smeoen to match my ambission and to match my drive it can be about whatever it is but like ... do something. i want someone who is more established in their field in something i want them to be able to say they set their mind to something and make it happen. and maybe i’m just clinging on so long bc i do feel sorry i feel so bad i know the situation and it will be so messy and for some reason right now its just eaier to just not do antyhing

i hear what i am saying too like doing the same things to expect something differnt is also dum and i fall under there too like its so clear to see a pattern and yet i just dont have the brave face to do something about it and that slike hat i’m preaching right like this is something i really should get into

jealousy just doesnt really sit right with me. it just never did . it makes it seem so petty and so bad like that is something i do not look forward to. i want someone who is kind and compassionate i want someone who has good reationships with anyone . like ifamily friends anyone. like i seem to always choose people who dont have a strong cirlce or support group so then i just attract that energy or something and idk i wouldnt say i have a lot of close friends but i know they are solid and good and can go to them for help i mean yea.

and maybe that someone is out there for me maybe that someone is here right now but at this state ithat oeron isnt it i mean this is crayz im tawhing my hands type right now iand they at go so fast its so mezmerizing to see it tpe but then when i look at them too long then i am lik oh wah idk how to type anymore LOL anywa that person is there for me i just tgot to find them. i got to find that either eslwhere or wit th person i have right now.

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