sellidionne

[sellidionne]

why can I never stick with a hobby?

I blogged for a couple of years, had 12k followers, then I just got distracted and stopped.

started a youtube channel, got 1.2k subs, 92k+ views, got overwhelmed and quit.

started writing and making more art, started getting more attention from that and not I have no motivation to do it.

its like i get in my head too much and I feel pressure to do it for others instead of myself

[sellidionne]

I'm trying to get used to singing in front of people, of being on camera, of seeing myself, all of it.

I cant sing when I'm anxious so I always suck and mess up words but here's to like, idk, day three of consecutively forcing myself to sing a little in front of the camera

[sellidionne]

🍒🍒🍒

[sellidionne]

SEVEN YEARS LATER AND I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM. I MISS THIS GUY SO MUCH

how part of my conversation with jay went

him: why did I call you? Im really fucking drunk but i still managed to call you how did that happen?"

me: I have no idea. maybe because you know im the only one whos still awake at this time

him: i think its because youre the only person from vent that i actually give a shit about

me: why is that?

him: i dunno like I'll be on there scrolling past everybody and then you show up and im like damn

me: *laughing* oh really?

him: yeah. guys on there talk about you all of the time and say how pretty you are and how much they wanna fuck you, they tell me that all of the time and they compliment you all of the time. I'm sure you like it, I know you like being told that you're pretty, but it makes me angry

me: why does it make you angry?

him: because theyre all just a bunch of fuckboys and here I am wanting to say the same things so i feel like that makes me a fuckboy too. youre hot as hell and Im not even gonna lie i would fuck the shit out of you but youre also interesting and i like talking to you but saying that makes me sound like all the fuckboys. i dont wanna be a fuckboy but i feel like telling you about my sexual attraction to you makes me sound like one

me: Ive known you for almost a year, youve taken the time to talk to me and know me, I know youre not a fuckboy lmak. its different

him: maybe it is. they all still piss me off though

*five minutes later*

him: selina?

me: yes?

him: youre really fucking sexy

me: Jay?

him: hmm?

me: you are too

him: aahhh im drunk, dont do that dont take advantage of me like that *laughs* I just wsnted you to know that

*later*

him: ...

him: why arent you here? ....in my bed, smoking with me, underneath me, why arent you here?

him: *before I can answer, clears throat* i need to pull myself together, im getting out of hand. you know me, Im not usually like this, but you've never talked to me while I was this drunk and I start telling way more than i should when im drunk. dont tell me what I said in the morning, okay?

me: okay, I wont, I promise

him: okay. I just know i'll overthink it when im sober, hate that I spilled so much to you. but I probably won't remember so just.. dont tell me tomorrow.

[sellidionne]

I HAVE AN AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION

[sellidionne]

so listen, I'm gonna post here and on threads for now. just not give a fuck and post what I want from now on instead of putting on some fake mask or whatever lol.

so follow me on threads if you want i guess

[sellidionne]

I finally have this now 🥹

i just wanna be able to not wear a bra and not feel my boobs hanging on my stomach is that too much to ask for

[sellidionne]

I dont remember writing this but I love that I did.

He spits fire from his lips, spewing each and every malicious word like an erupting volcano, scalding words oozing from his mouth, scorching the flesh of whoever stands in front of him. His strike is quick, nearly unseen, and he doesn’t even flinch as his target shrivels at his feet. He doesn’t blink, doesn’t grimace, simply hovers over his victims to revel in his moment of power while I am trapped inside of him, screaming, begging, pleading to get back to the surface.

This isn’t me, this is another being that I cannot seem to control. His arrival is just as quick as his attack and his presence as strong as his will.

I am just a host.

He is The Devil.

[sellidionne]

I miss when I had so much hope in people. I read old posts like this and it makes my heart hurt for how naive I was then.

I was in an awful mood yesterda like i was completely sober but it felt like i had a bad high all day, i kept blacking out but like i didnt pass out, its just like my mind shut off and my body kept moving. like i legitimately dont remember parts of my day. and idk i was just like 100% ready to cry at any given second and i was anxious as fuck and idk it was just bad so like I didnt come home on time because I drove around crying for two hours after i got off of work but I told my boyfriend that I just had to go pick up some money from a friend’s (which wasnt a lie because I did do that) and told him id be home late. 

when i got home i was done crying but I still was like mopey and sad and went straight to my room to change into pjs and got in the bed but he came in like 10 seconds later and pulled the covers off of my head and got on top of me and was asking why i got in bed and being all mushy and said that he had been waiting for me to get home all day and he asked if i was okay so I said yeah and then he just looked at me for a long time and i didnt want to look him in the face because id start crying again so I just wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down and he pulled my legs around him and kept kissing my cheeks and we just laid like that for a minute before he sat up and told me to go to the kitchen with him. because he said he knew what would cheer me up

He caught a fish when we went to the lake over the weekend and its been in the freezer and he was going to cut it up and everything that day but i told him to wait until i got home because i wanted to see how it was done. so he got it out and we filled up the sink and put it in the water to thaw out and while it was doing that i started cleaning the kitchen because i had dishes on the counters and stuff stuck to the counters and havent cleaned in there since ive been depressed so it was starting to get messy. I saw him watching me out of the corner of my eye but I never looked up and just kept doing stuff and all of a sudden he comes in and takes the rag from me, puts it on the counter, holds me by my shoulders to move me out of the way, kisses my forehead, and starts wiping everything down for me, he said ‘you remind me of my mom. she cleans when she’s stressed too. let me do this, you just chill out for a minute, okay babe?’

so I sat and waited for him to finish and then he came over and got me and put my arms over his shouldres and hugged me and kept asking what was wrong with me and he said that it was stressing him out that ive been moping around for days because he didnt know what was wrong and it was making him worry that he did something to hurt me so I explained to him that ive just been feeling weird and emotional and that it was probably just my period and would probably go away soon and he was like ‘I hope so because im sick of my baby being sad’

he hugged me for a long time and then brought me back into the kitchen and showed me how to butcher a fish (which was really gross honestly and I think about it ever time I take a bite of it lmao) and then we cooked together because he knows that cooking is relaxing to me and he didnt want to leave me alone so he helped and did the seasonings before I cooked it. after that I felt a lot better but then got a little sad again when he got a phone call and I thought it was that girl that hes friends with that he talks to sometimes and he was on the phone for like an hour and I was making myself anxious because my brain was trying to convince me that he’d rather be with her and that he likes her better even though every time I walked past him he either grabbed my hand or caught the end of my shorts to pull me to him. he kept mouthing something to me but I didnt know what he was trying to say so I just kind of brushed it off and got in the bed and left him on the couch but then i just started getting hella depressed again so i got up, put shoes on, and left. I drove around for like 30 minutes and then when i got back he was in the bathroom so I got in the bed again.

he came in and got on top of me again and asked where I went and why I didnt say anything and that he was worried (I didnt bring my phone) and asked why I didnt take him with me and I told him that since he was on the phone I didnt want to bother him but I was bored and just wanted to drive for a bit. he said it wasnt anyone important, that he would have preferred to go with me because it was his ex and he was mouthing at me and grabbing at me because apparently he was trying to get me to say something to her so she would leave him alone. 

he asked me not to leave like that because it scared him. after that, he got in bed with me and just hugged me a lot and kissed me a lot and I traced shapes on his shoulders and chest like he likes and he thumbed at my thighs and hips like I like and we just laid there tangled in each other and talked about random shit until I fell asleep on him 

I feel a lot better today and hes been really affectionate and playful and ive been needy and Im at work like ‘I MISS YOU’ on the inside and ugh he’s going to his parent’s house for thaksgiving and is staying until sunday. I was supposed to go with him but forgot that I made plans to dog sit for my cousin like two months ago so i cant. and im kind of happy to have some time to myself but I know tomorrow my hormonal ass is gonna be bawling because hes not here smh. 

he said hes gonna be lonely and hes going to miss my back ‘tickles’ (aka tracing his spine and muscles with my fingers like I always do before I go to sleep) and that he was gonna sleep in his old room on the tiny bed because the one in the guest room where we slept would make him too lonely and ugh im gonna miss the shit out of him and I know that when he starts work it gonna be hell because hes gonna be gone for like weeks at a time (although hes already told me to save my pto hours because he wants me to be able to take time off to come stay with him. which is something I am not used to at all like bear had the same kind of work and was gone for weeks but hed just drop me. this boy wants to take me with him and i think its the cUTEST FUCKING THING) and idk i just. i love him. i love him a lot. 

[sellidionne]

Alright, listen... I havent been on here in years. YEARS MAN.

I had another tumblr back then dedicated to reblogging photos of one direction. I remembered having 12k followers. Liam's passing has me nostalgic so I decided to long into my old tumblr accounts...

Apparently the 12k+ followers were NOT on the 1D account, I had like 12 there. Those followers were HERE READING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE FML.

I genuinely did not realize I was posting all of that shit for twelve THOUSAND people to read.

Also I was like 17 and struggling with an eating disorder so the endless pictures of skinny people is making me cringe so excuse me while I purge my account and start over lmao

[sellidionne]

HOW DO PEOPLE KNOW

so im with my bf because we have a child. ive put up with a lot of shit from him and continue to do so but it literally took having a whole child with him for me to finally see him for he really is and he’s narcissistic and manipulative and gaslights CONSTANTLY

ive been sitting on this for MONTHS and have been trying to bream up with him for a while

and tell me how my ex, the boy that i literally fell in love with so fast but never got the chance to experience it with (he ended up moving for his job and we fell out) texted me out of nowhere after TWO YEARS to vent and is going through the exact same thing.

i assumed i was over him because i just kinda went on with life and never addressed it but it brought back this pit in my stomach when he described our relationship as ‘simpler times’ and sent me our first picture together and reminisced about moments that i forgot about. I deleted his number ages ago. I only have one picture. i got rid of his jackets that he left for me. but he kept everything. and that hurts. because he could have saved me a lot of heartache if things hadnt happened the way that they did.

i dont regret my son in the slightest but i kind of regret this relationship because it made me someone that i dont like.

[sellidionne]

i had my baby on tuesday and he is beautiful and he is soft and he is squishy and I love him so so so much it literally hurts 🥺🥺🥺

[sellidionne]

ive spoiled my cat with cat games so now i can never do anything on the computer without letting him play a game first smh

[sellidionne]

you guys asked for pictures so here they are.

I hate that I didnt take any before trying to wash him again because it did wash most of it out but... yknow.... hes still purple ish

i love my boyfriend hes so sweet but hes also not the brightest when it comes to the cats since hes never had cats before (country boy, his dad had dogs and grew up around horses you know)

so like yesterday i was talking about how the white cat is getting more brown on his back (just ever so slightly above his tail, no biggie i was just pointing it out) and i was like ‘aww what if hes not gonna be a pure white cat anymore?’ (i just think its funny because my whole apartment is white so he blends in)

and i get home today and babe is like ‘I washed the cats!!’

didnt really find this odd since the big one brought fleas in when he got out so we’ve spotted some on them and i thought he was just getting rid of the fleas but out walks this fucking cat and babe is like ‘i didnt know it would do that though’ because this motherfucker used my purple shampoo to wash the fucking cat and his reasoning was ‘uncle jason used to wash the horses with purple shampoo to make them whiter’ like nIGGA THAT IS FOR HORSES NOT JUST SHIMMER LIGHTS SHAMPOO YOU DONT USE THAT ON ANIMALS

so now i have a lavender cat

[sellidionne]

lol yeah I’ve seen that before so I dont blame him, I just am concerned about the fact that shimmer lights dries the actual hell out of my hair so I cant imagine how the cat’s skin is feeling 😂 I’ll get some pictures of him when I get home today. I washed him with actual flea shampoo last night and it pulled some of it out but he still is a little purple

i love my boyfriend hes so sweet but hes also not the brightest when it comes to the cats since hes never had cats before (country boy, his dad had dogs and grew up around horses you know)

so like yesterday i was talking about how the white cat is getting more brown on his back (just ever so slightly above his tail, no biggie i was just pointing it out) and i was like ‘aww what if hes not gonna be a pure white cat anymore?’ (i just think its funny because my whole apartment is white so he blends in)

and i get home today and babe is like ‘I washed the cats!!’

didnt really find this odd since the big one brought fleas in when he got out so we’ve spotted some on them and i thought he was just getting rid of the fleas but out walks this fucking cat and babe is like ‘i didnt know it would do that though’ because this motherfucker used my purple shampoo to wash the fucking cat and his reasoning was ‘uncle jason used to wash the horses with purple shampoo to make them whiter’ like nIGGA THAT IS FOR HORSES NOT JUST SHIMMER LIGHTS SHAMPOO YOU DONT USE THAT ON ANIMALS

so now i have a lavender cat

[sellidionne]

PLEASE post pics of your purple kitty

Lol! Okay I’ll get some pictures when I get home today, I tried to wash him again with the actual flea shampoo and it kind of pulled some of it out but he still has patches of light purple 😂

[sellidionne]

i love my boyfriend hes so sweet but hes also not the brightest when it comes to the cats since hes never had cats before (country boy, his dad had dogs and grew up around horses you know)

so like yesterday i was talking about how the white cat is getting more brown on his back (just ever so slightly above his tail, no biggie i was just pointing it out) and i was like ‘aww what if hes not gonna be a pure white cat anymore?’ (i just think its funny because my whole apartment is white so he blends in)

and i get home today and babe is like ‘I washed the cats!!’

didnt really find this odd since the big one brought fleas in when he got out so we’ve spotted some on them and i thought he was just getting rid of the fleas but out walks this fucking cat and babe is like ‘i didnt know it would do that though’ because this motherfucker used my purple shampoo to wash the fucking cat and his reasoning was ‘uncle jason used to wash the horses with purple shampoo to make them whiter’ like nIGGA THAT IS FOR HORSES NOT JUST SHIMMER LIGHTS SHAMPOO YOU DONT USE THAT ON ANIMALS

so now i have a lavender cat