#like im aware of the fact that i feel superior to others even though i logically know that im not

[erabu-san]

Hello!!I want to start off with the fact that i ABSOLUTELY LOVE your art!!The way you draw characters is amazing,you draw them nearly the same as i hc them

I was scrolling through your blog (the art is beautiful please dont ever stop) and i saw some anons complaining and insulting you for drawing some characters (mainly characters from natlan and sumeru) with different shades of skin.While i dont know much about this topic i just wanted to share my opinion.

Sumeru is based off of middle east,the majority of which has tanned skin (but its very mixed from what i know!).Natlan is based off of a lot of places (which is honestly another sign of racism in my opinion)I myself am from Turkey which can count as both middle east AND Europe (even turkish people dont know what we count as).I have a lot of middle eastern friends as well (Iran,Iraq,Sauda Arabia,Syria…) and they are brown or tanned and one of them is white!

i saw a lot of people say that “not every character needs to be black/brown” and i answer this with not every character has to be white.White,brown,black,asian,native american and every other race exists and every race deserves to be respected.No race should be insulted for wanting representation.No race should be seen as outcasts either.Wether that be white or black,no one deserves to feel like they are not fine the way they are.

I myself hc Zhongli as pale as a ghost to indicate that he is a god (as being pale is associated with being a superior being in chinese culture).I hc Xiao as tanned due to him spending all his time,day and night,fighting monsters.I hc Neuvilette has slightly blue-ish skin bc hes the hydro sovereign.I hc as black bc i like him that way.I hc Alhaitham as brown and so many more characters.Nobody would want to play a game in which there is no diversity.Diversity helpes the characters feel more real and gives them character depth.Diversity helps make Teyvat feel more real,like Earth itself.

But anyways this is just my opinion,i would love to learn more and hear everyone’s opinions.And if someone doesnt like your art they should just block you if they dont want to see it🤷‍♀️ Your art is amazing though so please dont mind those buffoons 🙏

Sorry it this got too long or complicated.English isnt my first language and im still learning

And dont even get me started on the body shapes of the characters

Hii !! Thank you so much ! 😭😭🙏

Yesss I completely agree with you !

And if I can be honest, I wasn't aware of this question of representation and diversity before Genshin Impact. Once, I saw a fanart with someone making a white character black, and in all of my ignorance, I was wondering why (a genuine question). So I asked my friend her thought (because I love hearing her opinions) and she makes me aware about representation in media, and issues they are facing to. And, wow, I learnt a lot ! Maybe it is a bit silly but, I always tend to focus on canon content, and all my HC was around interactions or their behaviour, and I never thought about their body appearance HC. And since I learnt that, my creativity developed a new skill ! So it is only recently I put HC on their physical appearance (like Sethos with dimples KKGEKDJS it ain't that much but it is fun, I guess HC on physical appearance is not my domain)

But it is thanks to Genshin, a game about exploring a whole world with diversity lore in each region, and what representation Hoyoverse used for making their game that I started to be into it. So yes, there is a lot of problem in genshin, making some rep worst. But without this, I wouldn't be able to learn more about SWANA culture with a thread I read on Dehya Nilou Tighnari Faruzan, Japan with Wanderer, Chinese with Yun Jin or recently on Hawai'i with Mualani and even on France United Kingdom with Emilie (i think I also read a thread about GaMing too...?). And what a surprise, I am close to France and UK but I never knew about Emilie's inspiration. Not only on character but also lore, and how some desert name in genshin is also part of culture (I don't remember where I read it tho !! Gosh i wish to reread it again).

I love genshin for its diversity whatever on region or lore but even on gameplay it offers us in our adventure. But I also agree on those who complain about character design ! Not only about representation, but about storytelling in character design (for example, you can't guess Xilonen is someone who forges ; her nails, accessories and hair would be on her way). And it happens that I receive some hate message (on tumblr and twitter. Mostly twitter) saying "this game is not for you, just leave" with some insults that I prefer to not share lol

I agree and also disagree. What do you mean this game is NOT for me ?? Searching our lost sibling, tragic lore, wholesome encounter, satisfying gameplay, vivid color landscape, with great characters, ALBEDO ??? Not for me ?! 🤨 My love for genshin is immense. But, I agree on the fact that.. yes. Indeed, I am not the target for genshin character design. I played a lot of gacha game, and it is mostly based on collectioning waifu with big boobs and big ass (you were a great game, Epic Seven...). When I look at hater's account on twitter, there is a pattern : throwaway account, account full of problematic opinion, or full of porn 2d woman with the basic hourglasses morphology big boobs big butt even on characters who are flat. It is undeniable that most of genshin characters are sexualised, and this, for sell them better. And, making them white is one of criteria to sell them better to those type of client 🙂‍↕️

I study sociology (i am a newbie tho, nothing deep) and I can extend this light analyse on what I learn : the success of Genshin, why there is such a contrast between Genshin players and their different profiles, the benefits Hoyoverse do and how difficult it is to satisfy all players (and so sacrifices are made, like characters design). It is all supposition tho BGKEJGJS but maybe if I do my last year of sociology and still into genshin, why not making my essay on it bahahaha

BACK TO THE TOPIC !!! (SORRY I HAD A LOT TO SAY) don't worry, since this anon hate, I tend to block everyone who try to argue or insult 😭 and just mostly shock how people are openly racist when they are behind a screen WOW lucky me I am not affected by those words ☠️ and all of this just because I draw Kinich black skin or Xilonen with a bit more textured hair...? That's so crazy ! Anywaaaay diversity is great and it works also on creativity too !! World is boring if everything looks the same, and it is also the same in Genshin ! Imagine in 4 years, genshin only released mondstadt 1, mondstadt 2, mondstadt 3.... I believe the game would be dead sooner if it was the case bahaha

And thank you again for all your compliments about my art anon !! I love drawing so much, and it is my source of fun and happinness <3 There is in some drawings I thought "wow !!! I improve !!" And i am so happy when people notice it too! 😭���

Don't worry abt your english, mine isn't the best neither BAHTVZJHGJZGAA

[v-h-lupin]

Maurauders Era Characters if they were Demigods (with explanations)

ive been listening to Epic and rereading my harry potter writing (really trying to work on my fanfic, im just stretched kinda thin)

edit: here is pt. 2

anyway

this is pt. 1 because I will be doing more, and golden trio era characters too

Remus Lupin:

This boy is the most Son of Athena kid i have ever seen in my entire life look at him He is so smart in so many different ways I just he's so quick witted and brave, and he was so ready to throw himself into battle. strategizing to use his unique attributes even when his superiors (who had political leanings) told him otherwise. But his intellect doesn't mean he has a lack of empathy he's also really crafty but not in the "hot gluing pieces of felt in the basement" type of crafty he's just got such a good mind

James Potter:

Ok ok so hear me out Hermes. Hermes Hermes Hermes. Hermes is the god of so many things-- Jack of all trades, really, and James is just so damn good at everything he does. He's also incredibly fast on a broom. He makes friends wherever he goes (pretty fitting if your father is the god of travellers) and is mischevious without dipping into the villain area (most of the time).

Sirius Black:

Aphrodite. Hands down. Did not have to think when I said this. Everyone at school is fully aware that he is attractive and he can charm almost anyone. he is very charismatic. He can speak French and I BELIEVE Italian... ok it just... makes sense to me... (btw regulus will be in pt. 2)

Peter Pettigrew:

Also Hermes. Let me explain-- Beyond the fact that it would justify him feeling closer to James, we can use the other side of the Hermes coin for this. Hermes is the god of pretty much anything you encounter on the road. Hermes is not evil or anything-- but he does technically protect thieves and liars. Peter and James have parallels that make me believe both of them would be sons of Hermes, but their hearts were different.

Lily Evans:

This one was hard. I was thinking Demeter- then Apollo- then Athena- Hestia isnt an option but like, it might fit if it was-- I'm gonna say Athena because while YES, she does learn healing magic, she's also just incredibly bright in general. She and Remus are both brainchildren ok She's also very witty in her comebacks and stubborn-- im referring to her behavior in general, not just when it comes to james. For example, even though Petunia hated her, she still was so determined to have a good relationship with her sister.

Mary MacDonald:

OO, oo, i want to say Aphrodite, but then I remember that sirius is aphrodite and that would be WEIRD but if sirius was anyone elses kid, mary would be an aphrodite kid, i just, like? look at her. she celebrates her femininity, she's so confident in herself, i love her

other than aphrodite, I might say... Hebe. Seems like a deep reach, but she's the goddess of youth.

Marlene McKinnon:

APOLLO. Apollo. Apollo. Marlene has always wanted to be a healer. She's also a great flyer. I don't know what else to say about it but like- Apollo? yes, yes

[murphallo]

Hi, I totally understand your disappointment in how chenford got together. I too thought it was going to take something dramatic for them to finally be together, something like DOD.

Lucy spent 5 seasons not dating cops because of Bishop's advice about her reputation and career. I thought that would play a big part on her hesitation to start a relationship with Tim. But it wasn't even mentioned lol.

And Tim always seemed super aware of the fact that he was Lucy's superior at work, he even listed that as an obstacle in his conversation with Lopez. But then he and Lucy got together and Tim seemed to forget that it's a problem. A "Lucy Lesson" was needed to remind him it's an issue.

But I can't say I'm suprised. The Rookie can set up interesting conflicts and then drop them like hot potatoes. I mean, Ashley says she never wants to have kids and Tim is just "oh well, okay then", and keeps dating her until *she* breaks up with him lol. I mean, what was the point of that?

no LITERALLY bro like…

like bro if i wanted to see a ship get together the way chenford did, i would specialize in fast burns. i get into slow burns bc my ooey gooey hopeless romantic bleeding heart likes to see the moment where it all comes together. now, i will say, i never really wanted chenford to have the near death confession just bc i think it’s been done to death and they’re both in near death experiences like everyday. i personally think it would’ve been interesting to see an arc where they think they’ll lose each other and have to confront what their lives might be like without the other person and they don’t wanna do that yada yada, like jisbon, (yes i’ll be comparing chenford’s get together to jisbon’s for the foreseeable future). what i didn’t think would get them together was like one blurted line that made no sense and riddled the story with plot holes

as for the work thing………… if i think too long about how the work boundary has been handled, my brain might actually explode lol like… the work thing was their BIGGEST boundary and not only did they give 0 shits about it when getting together but they solved it in one episode over what was basically a prank like… i have a pet peeve in slow burns and it’s when i feel like they probably could’ve gotten together forever ago and i really thought all their story was building up to something but if he was just gonna ask her out on a bench outside work in broad daylight and they were gonna solve the work boundary in one episode via prank, i would’ve just wished they did that after her rookie year. that’s another problem with how they got together like fr if it was gonna be that simple why not just get them together between 3x10 and 4x02 when they were both single and there was no work boundary or if there was it would’ve been significantly weaker like… and im saying that as someone who loved s4 😭 i really did love s4 and how 5a was going before 508 and now it all feels so pointless idk

as for the alt s4 love interests……….. oh boi…… okay so. one thing about me. when it comes to fiction… i love me some emotional cheating like it hits every time lol so was it fun to see tim and lucy carry on with 0 respect for their relationships even though i knew they were being terrible people?? hell yeah. but like… when there’s a REASON. i do not understand the purpose of either of those two being in 5a. let’s start with chris. okay so chenford would’ve hooked up in 501 if chris didn’t almost get killed and lucy stayed with him out of guilt? right? that i could understand. but THEN 508 happened and the haunting words of “if we do this” left lucy’s mouth. now…………. if she knew tim wanted to be with her romantically (which is a whole other thing bc bitch how) her staying with chris is absolutely hilarious. her justification for staying with chris was that if she got with tim it might not work out but brother… forgive me if i’m remembering incorrectly, no one was holding a gun to lucy’s head and threatening to shoot if she didn’t get with tim as soon as she broke up with chris. it’s completely out of character TO ME for lucy to stay in a relationship she wasn’t happy in bc she was scared to be with tim. like… lucy is not allergic to being single, i do not GET IT. like if chris died in 501 and lucy was too riddled with guilt to date the guy she was about to cheat on him with, i would ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THAT but this is outrageous.

now onto ashley……… hooooooooo ashley…. okay like….. it’s hard to verbalize how fucking inane the inclusion of ashley was to me… like just goofy. silly. unserious. if tim didn’t realize his feelings for lucy until 422 or 501, it is, TO ME, COMPLETELY out of character for tim to lead ashley on knowing he’d prefer to be with someone else. that’s why i honestly still didn’t think he realized he wanted to be with lucy even after 501 because like… you’re telling me TIM BRADFORD stayed in a relationship with someone telling him she was in love with him knowing he was severely interested in someone else?? that’s never been tim like omg. did he almost cheat on her a lil? yeah <3 but like idk there was a whole ass time jump and he stayed with ashley that whole time that is CRAZY. i didn’t want either breakup to be off screen but honest to god, if they knew they were about to get chenford together, i would’ve preferred an offscreen breakup during the time jump over an onscreen breakup THREE EPISODES BEFORE getting chenford together like omg OMG

*woosah break*

anyone who’s heard my rants (and it’s been a LOT) know that the episode i have the most beef with is 506. because like… we know tim probably didn’t care that much for ashley (despite the whole ass year relationship and debating retirement to travel with her but i digress) and it’s a common supposition that he was more wounded by the way she dumped him than losing her. sure, whatever, let’s go forward with that assumption. but you know who didn’t know none of that shit? LUCY. from her pov, it wasn’t that long ago that tim said he could see himself marrying ashley and we know lucy took that to heart. and then in 506, lucy finds out tims been moping for a week because they broke up (and specifically ASHLEY dumped HIM) but she’s still confident enough that tim us really into her for the “if we do this” like… and if the uc op brought up real actual romantic feelings between them, i would understand, but it didn’t. it brought up horny. it brought up that tim was sexually attracted to her. which… correct me if i’m wrong… she knew that… long before the uc op… so lucy spending an adrenaline filled weekend with tim with makeouts required and then he’s like “aye im feeling a lil something” does not equal feelings and i personally feel like lucy wouldn’t have made that leap like that when he was like… with someone. idk like… if i could take out any episodes in the 5a sad excuse for an arc, it’d definitely be the episode where lucy witnessed tim moping over his fresh ex for like two days and then blurted out that they like each other two episodes later.

so yeah the timing, the supposed trigger, the other love interests… no matter how you try to spin it, you will never ever get me like “oh no that definitely made sense” bc no matter how you look at it shit was dumb lol

[no-more-rqs]

dissomei just reminds me of that one goth kids episode of south park. like the one where the goth kids keep saying they arent emo, adding stupid/meaningless arguments as to why they arent emos, and saying they hate emos. like to everyone else, theyre the exact same, but to them it is so very important that people understand they HATE emos and would never be ANYTHING LIKE THEM (even though emo and goth music have a lot of overlap, especially in terms of subculture ideology and references, and that they are still apart of an overall alt community)

this is very true LMAO dissomei and transids are fundamentally almost the exact same. like yes the prefix of "trans-" is bad when it comes to things that you cant/shouldnt transition to, but other than that the terms are basically the exact same. the only difference between the definitions is the fact that dissomei is specifically against harmful transitioning, but like... many pro-transid people are as well. obviously, the entire transid community doesnt agree on that, but theres a significant number of pro-transid folks that are against harmful transitioning. so, taking that into account, what is the difference between dissomei and anti-appropriation transid folks? yes, many pro-transid folks are also pro-radqueer, and dissomei is anti-radqueer, but there are also plenty of pro-transid folks who arent pro-radqueer. so, fundamentally, dissomei is just... a specific subcommunity of transid, basically. because it just takes everything transid is but specifies that its anti-appropriation and anti-radqueer.

(yes im aware that dissomei is anti-transid but, like this ask said, it means nothing when theyre literally the exact same outside of that one stance)

its just very dumb to act all morally righteous and Better Than Everyone when youre doing almost the exact same thing. every single thing about dissomei is the same as transid, just more specific (because transid doesnt inherently have any stance on radqueers or transitioning). the only other difference between dissomei and transid is the fact that dissomei is extremely self-righteous about experiencing dysphoria/"involuntary disconnect" and not being like those fakers who use cutesy emojis and go "omgggggg this is so cute and quirky!!!!!!" to very very serious things and dont hate their identities 24/7 and- hold on a minute guys this is starting to sound really familiar

"characterized by dysphoria"

"individuals who identify as this without dysphoria/the desire to transition are faking"

hmmmmmmmmmm... im sure the similarities here mean nothing. anyways. people need to stop feeling morally superior about this shit, dissomei is not better than transid and transid is not better than dissomei. dissomei is just anti-radqueer transmed-lite transid, which is arguably worse imo

also edit: to add onto the "transmed-lite" thing, many transmeds believe that trans people without dysphoria are experiencing something but that something isnt being transgender and theyre not welcome in the community because they dont suffer enough. almost like a certain community i know...

[nanjokei]

i just think some people get a kick off of feeling superior to people who like one of the biggest normie games in the market currently. i can't comment on it myself, cuz i did not get far in it (i just don't like open world games), but a lot of people who aren't even into the story like the game for the game part! some people just think the characters are cute. it doesn't have to be a masterpiece and the characters don't have to have the best designs in the world. sometimes you read a stupid ass comic strip in the newspaper and you get excited every sunday to see the extra long strip of it. it's not that deep.

it's weird because it's ok to like bad and weird things, but only as long as it's "in" and still hipster. i think it's because genshin is so mainstream that it is an easy target. but it's precisely because it is mainstream that i increasingly find it cruel. the reason people are so wowed by simple and "generic" (this is incredibly subjective by the way) because it's probably one of their first entry points to anime style games and the like. so it just feels... more and more BAD dunking on it.

not to mention that despite typing all this up, i truly could not care less about it and my frustration mostly stems from a place of "you guys aren't criticizing it because you care, you're criticizing it from a place of bad faith". idk if that even makes it sense. but even if i don't like something, personally, i try to at least understand where it and its fans are coming from. even if i don't agree with it. because nothing is more frustrating than people casting shallow assumptions and running wild with it.

people wanna be like "cringe culture is dead" and "like what you like" while also doing this. the other day i tried out star rail and thought it was really fun, but i was too embarrassed to praise it publically without resorting to some kind of "but im self aware" safeguard. i really examined those feelings after the fact, after i made that post. i wanted to understand why i acted like that even though i don't like that kind of behavior. even if i try to be above it, social pressure is such a drug. wanting to fit in and not come off a certain way, enjoying something people potentially consider cringe and bad, i struggle with it more than i want to admit. i don't think i can be too loud about enjoying that game even if i try to critically tackle my behavior. because of the pressure and silent (loud) hostility.

if you play this game you think it's the best thing ever and play nothing else. if you like these characters you think they're the only characters in the world. if you like this design you have no taste and your standards are low. SO EXHAUSTING. IT'S SO MUCH PRESSURE. this hyperbole people just toss around is so hypocritical...

i will never claim to be an ideologically pure person, or a person without bias. ever. i am a very flawed human being. i have opinions that are mean and elitist, but i try to keep them to myself, or soften the blow, keep it in a less public space, and i try to have empathy above all else. i'm not perfect. i don't know. just having a moment of introspection. thinking about why all of this bothers me so much. sorry for the long post. also im on my period right now so maybe that's why

people living in glass houses shouldn't cast stones

i dont ride or die for hoyoverse but the brand of post just dunking on the games and their fans for existing is so exhausting. like yeah, easy target, easy validation feedback loop, whatever. do what you need to do. i don't even disagree sometimes. you won't catch me thinking good things about genshin most days but at some point just like how the designs are supposedly so generic, the criticism is pretty generic too. don't people get tired of consuming the same opinion over and over? and also repeating it?

i should not be getting so bothered and defending a game i don't even like and probably will never get into (ive tried two seperate times) but that genre of post just gets on my nerves now. just as annoying as the annoying fans

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

hey so like is there a name for experiencing pretty much all the symptoms of NPD to at least some extent except of the craving of attention/validation? Specifically asking ppl w/ NPD and other similar disorders here because I’m lowkey having a crisis

Like I would say I line up with pretty much all the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder except that I actually find social interaction with and receiving attention from others to be incredibly taxing after a while, even with people I like and care about greatly, and that I don’t, and can’t bring myself to base my self esteem around how others perceive me, which I’m aware is usually like a pretty big part of NPD

(more details/self psychoanalysis under the read more) 

I would say want people to generally acknowledge that I am more intelligent and superior to them (even though I understand logically that I am not) and treat me as such, but I wouldn’t say my ego or self esteem relies on that acknowledgement or that I feel worthless/insufficient/etc without it, just rather that I feel entitled to it and get annoyed when people don’t give it to me. 

(although I do understand logically that they shouldn’t and honestly don’t actually want them to, despite my feelings of entitlement, because I know it would be bad for my already warped sense of self importance and I understand that I am not actually inherently superior to other people or more intelligent than them, and that even if I were that wouldn’t mean that they owe me anything) 

See I don’t want compliments, attention, ego-bolstering, or even deference, as I find stuff like that to come off as insincere or pitying, and thus condescending, which I take as an insult to because I have an inflated ego and react negatively to any implication that I might need ‘babying’ or ‘white lies’ told to me, even though, again, I understand logically that if people care about me they’d thus want to make me feel good/happy. In the same vein, I want people to treat me as intellectually superior to them but not become dependent on me or to devalue themselves because I find that both annoying and stressful. I don’t want people relying upon me for guidance/leadership/support, because even though I think of myself as smarter than them, I don’t feel grandiosity to the degree where I think that means that I should ‘lead’ them. I also tend to find people relying upon me, especially for what I can only really describe as ‘intellectual labour’ to be incredibly stressful and just, like, an amount of pressure I do not want to deal with, as I hate feeling like I owe other people anything or that they want something from me. 

I think the issue is that I'm so low empathy and have such a sense of grandiosity in a specific way that I ultimately disregard everyone’s opinions of me, even people I would say I value and care for, because I ultimately believe that my sense of self is dependent on no one other that myself and that other’s opinions of/feelings towards me don’t matter because I don't owe them anything. I have a hard time ascribing people (and their thoughts and feelings) the value I know they logically deserve because I just fundamentally cannot feel that other people’s opinions of me could ever matter as much as my opinion of myself and I have this kind of semi-spiteful thing where I firmly believe that I don’t owe other people anything and that they’re idiots if they expect anything of me. 

(However, I logically believe that we all owe each other basic human decency, attempts at compassion and, in most cases, just general politeness and understanding. Like this is a personal belief I hold very strongly and I feel that other who don’t hold at least somewhat similar beliefs are rude and callous. Is this kind of cognitive dissonance common with NPD?) 

from my understanding of it NPD is very much a ‘If I’m not perfect then I don’t have any worth at all’ type mindset, with each person’s version/idealization of ‘perfect’ being a different thing, but because I consider myself to be above societal/cultural/interpersonal expectations my sense of self esteem isn’t reliant upon being or being viewed as ‘perfect’, or on other people and their standards at all, and yes, I’m aware that this makes me sound like a 13yro edgelord, I can’t help it 

TLDR: essentially, I wonder if I do have NPD and the specifically narcissistic/grandiose/egotistical parts kind of supersede and outweigh the RSD and ‘self esteem based on validation from others’ parts of NPD for me that I see other people describe so often, or whether those things are actually really fundamental to NPD and I have some other different ego/self-image disorder with symptoms that overlap with those of NPD but is fundamentally a separate thing??? would love to hear ppls thoughts and opinions on this because it’s actually beginning to stress me out

[blueskittlesart]

please do write an essay about wanderer one day i would love to read it <3

i love you. he is so <3 (essay under the cut because im crazy)

scara/wanderer/whatever you want to call him is so interesting to me because like. out of the train wreck that was inazuma, he managed to be one of the only well-written characters. and he wasn't even on the playable roster for that nation. incredible. why was inazuma so bad

in a way, his character actually functions to draw attention to a lot of the problems i personally have with the way ei/raiden and inazuma are written, namely that ei sucks and never sees a single consequence for her actions or even like. tries to fix her mistakes in any tangible way. Scaramouche was her prototype puppet, meant to be a test run for the eventual figurehead for inazuma which would run on unchangeable ideals while ei fucked off to her mind palace forever. he was not actually used for this purpose because ei saw him CRY and decided he wasn't fit to rule a country, and instead of like... idk doing anything RATIONAL with him she was just like ok. i'll let him sleep forever i guess. surely he will not wake up and resent me for this and turn evil. anyway. obviously he wakes up and realizes why mama ei abandoned him. he of course does not take this well. he internalizes the idea that his emotions made him weak and useless from. basically the moment of his conception. his emotional response is the reason he wass essentially abandoned by his mother. (to be fair, it's unclear if ei was aware that he retained consciousness, but still. throwing him out like trash because he had EMOTIONS was fucked up). this sets the stage for the way his mental state deteriorates over the course of the next couple hundred years.

so the poor kid has been abandoned by his mother for feeling things. bad start. but another important piece of this story is that, as per ei's original design for a puppet figurehead of inazuma, scara was essentially built to house her gnosis (essentially the heart of an archon.) since he never actually got used for that purpose, though, he feels as though he is missing a fundamental part of himself. as he wanders inazuma, he feels that lack of a heart harder and harder as he attempts to connect to humans and finds that he can't quite connect with them. (this is what i think of as his 'trying to be human' era) He struggles with the idea of mortality--specifically, a child that he befriends dies prematurely, and scara can't help but view it as a betrayal--"how could he break his promise and leave me behind?" he becomes acutely aware of the fact that he is not quite human and not quite god, but something in between--something that lacks the ability to feel like a human but was too emotional to fulfil its purpose as a god.

mortality and emotional response, to scara, become signs of weakness. he was discarded due to his emotionalness. his human friends' mortality took them from him. he grows to despise and reject both, which kickstarts his 'trying to be a god era,' which is how we've seen him in-game thus far. the thing is, he doesn't REALLY want to be a god. he wants to be loved. he wants validation and respect and family--everything that was taken away from him when ei threw him out, and when his human friends abandoned him. he tried it one way, tried playing pretend as a human, and only found more pain and suffering, so he decides to swing hard in the other direction, developing a superiority complex as a cover-up for his insane abandonment issues. No one can hurt a god. no one can abandon a god. no one can call a god weak. a god doesn't need friends or family or love because a god is all-powerful. he is convinced that if only he can attain true godhood--a gnosis, the item he was created to house, he will FINALLY be happy. and he decides that it doesn't matter how many people he has to hurt to do it.

(btw, throughout this entire time, ei has been in her mind palace being a deadbeat mom and deliberately ignoring the havoc her son is wreaking on the nation SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNING. he even sends a message of introduction to the raiden shogun at some point ("tell her my name is kunikuzushi") which i can only assume was meant to make it back to ei and maybe get her to CARE A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE KID SHE BROKE but she either never recieved it because the raiden shogun sucks equally as hard as she does or she heard it and didn't care. ughhhh.)

anyway. obviously this little insane attempt at attaining godhood does not end well for scara. i cant rewatch that sumeru archon quest cutscene without losing all brain function but you know what i mean. he fucks up. his hubris is his downfall. his attempt to bury his emotions and his humanity in order to ascend to godhood give him far too much confidence, and he loses the battle. nahida takes the gnosis and then fucking immediately gives it back to dottore because she sucks. scara's final attempt at finding some sort of place for himself in the world fails spectacularly and leaves him mentally and physically destroyed.

and in 3.3 he is going to wake up and keep going. and i am so so so so excited. i want to know how he heals. I want to see him reconcile with his humanity and his emotions AND with his origins in godhood, and i think having nahida and the traveler help him do that is gonna be so good if they do it right. i LOVE that they're allowing him to still retain a lot of that selfishness and smugness and attitude that makes him compelling as a villain, while ALSO seemingly letting him reconnect with his humanity and become better. i do still hope he gets to beat the shit out of ei tho

[saltymongoose]

Also ALSO with the ask about player being massive:

I'd think it takes a LOT longer for the player to get hungry compared to them im talking days longer

And that also means that when they do the boys usually have had anough time to collect food/resources cause lets be honest they (deimos) probably has offered player grunts as food and player just went "alr then" and like the day you get hungry hank goes out along with player and has this smug 'signature look of superiority' face and kills like a whole AAHW building and just combusts at every word and compliment towards him

And that also goes with sleeping

When player slept for the first time in nevada the employers were like "OH GOD IS IT OK?!?!!?" And then rationalized "oh yeah sleep thats a thing that happens"

But imagine the boys

You just picked a spot and layed down and haven't gotten up for 2 days. They're going INSANE until doc calms himself AND the others down and explain about the good old "big things do stuff on larger scale"

This was a fat one sry 💀💀💀

You're probably right about this, though now that I think about it, it could also be because of a difference in Nevada's day/night cycle too. You could get a day-long mission done in like fifteen minutes to an hour in your reality, so wouldn't this mean that it'd take a very long time for you to get hungry or tired? Either way, the boys would have a lot of time to get food and water for you if this were the case.

As for what they bring, I also agree with how you've probably at least tried eating actual grunts before, just because it's the most available "food source" for you. Though it'd definitely puzzle you a bit as to why the boys were so unfazed about offering their kills for you, like don't they feel weird about this at all? You're literally eating members of their species right in front of them? But no, they actually don't dislike this arrangement at all, in fact you'd say they're almost enthusiastic about being able to "provide" for you this way. Being able to both take out your enemies, get you something to eat, and get some of those compliments and grateful words of approval in the process? Why wouldn't they feel comfortable with it?

Though, do expect this to make them a lot more competitive when they're out on missions (if that's even possible). It's now a contest about who can do the most for you, and surely if you see how they can cover all of your needs themselves, you won't think it's necessary to have anyone else as your vessel, right?

For sleeping, it's more startling to them because it's so unhealthy for people to be up or sleep for days on end. Startled is actually an understatement, it panics them. The first time you went to sleep like normal they expected you to be up the next morning, maybe a little later cause you needed your rest. But you didn't. Not for a whole day. Or the one after that. Or the next two, only awakening after almost four days of deep sleep. The boys were freaking out after the first twelve hours, worried that you'd somehow gotten sick from Nevada, or perhaps there was an injury they weren't aware of? God, what kind of vessels would they be if they let something happen to you? And even worse, it's not like they could exactly ask you if something was wrong. But then Doc realizes that "oh, they're the size of a building. Of course they'd need more energy". Which honestly only calms them down somewhat, because the other three were still rather skeptical of his reasoning. He didn't know anything about humans or their anatomy, what if he was wrong? But then you actually wake up and everything's fine lol.

When you're awake, they'll constantly watch you for any sign of exhaustion and try to persuade you to sleep at least a little bit when they see anything. You could just yawn out of boredom and you'd have the four of them trying to get you to lie down and take a nap. (Which is really funny when they're so small, ngl). They just want you to be okay, so you humor them sometimes. It's the least you could do after worrying them whenever you sleep in for a while longer.

[bestworstcase]

Random question, but what are your thoughts on Watts’s character?

WATTS MY BELOVED

he is . besides salem and cinder, hands down my favorite villain and i’m very sad that he’s dead on the grounds that i will no longer get to watch him be a complete fucking bastard to everybody he comes into contact with who isn’t salem gdhsjkfl

and granted like half the appeal of him is just that he’s a complete fucking bastard in a way that i find really fun, and a good chunk of the rest is that i adore how rwby handled his hacking because it’s—within the context of a fantasy/sci-fi universe with strong grounds for interpreting computer science as a specialized branch of the magic system on account of all tech being dust- and by extension aura-based—fairly REALISTIC, in that he relies on insider threats and outdated systems with unpatched vulnerabilities to accomplish, like, 90% of the things he does. and that makes the truly bonkers shit like manipulating security footage on the fly while twisting election results with a flick of his fingers feel more grounded in a way, because there’s this baseline of computers generally working the way computers actually work. love it.

BUT i’m also really fascinated by how he fits into the narrative vis-a-vis salem and the critique rwby has been building from volume to volume of the post-war society ozma built, bc like

the thing about watts

is he’s an arrogant asshole, but he’s not egotistical. watts knows exactly what he is and isn’t capable of, never purposefully extends himself beyond his limits, and his withering disdain for cinder is overtly based on her inability or refusal to do the same. we see, in v5, that watts makes a POINT of correcting salem when she gives him credit for something he was not actually responsible for—and perhaps even more notably, in v4, when she praises cinder to high heavens for knocking beacon down, watts doesn’t interject to claim any credit, even though his virus is what made the fall of beacon possible.

which is to say, his demeanor in salem’s little cabal is extremely incongruent with the grudge he’s nursing against ironwood—the “you never appreciated my genius, james. you just stood atop it and called yourself a giant!” thing. and im always intrigued by internal contradictions like that, and with rwby in particular this sort of thing always strikes me as intentional—the whole narrative is structured around truth and lies and the murky space between—so. reading what watts says to ironwood in 7.11 in context with how he acts as salem’s subordinate makes some implications about his character that i think are pretty interesting:

option 1: watts is acutely aware of his level of skill and the value he can bring to an organization, and it’s very important to him that his superiors share this understanding. but, given an employer who truly respects what he can do / doesn’t take him for granted, he’s perfectly happy to just fade into the background to do his thing without chasing praise, because what he actually resented about ironwood was the fact that ironwood essentially sees everyone but himself as expendable. i.e., the emotional weight of that line is “you stood atop it and called yourself a giant;” you took the things i made for you and then convinced yourself you did it all alone. [this would loosely slot watts into the “broken by atlesian exploitation” villain bucket, which is a fun way to read the animosity he and cinder have for each other]

option 2: watts used to be very egotistical and still clings to the grudges left over from that time, but he has mellowed out since joining salem’s cabal—perhaps because she gave him the respect he craved, or perhaps because she gave him the same sort of talks she gives cinder in v4-5 but he actually took the advice onboard… which would make salem a driver of constructive emotional change; at the very least this shift would have made his life better for HIM, if not for anyone else.

either way, regardless of the reason for it, in watts we have a character who is arrogant but not egotistical and who viscerally derides egotism when he sees it in others (cinder), shown throughout four volumes to be faultlessly loyal to the evil sorceress who 1. was implied the avatar of knowledge, in a blatantly biased narrative, to be fundamentally narcissistic and incapable of self-reflection, but 2. is self-evidently neither of those things. and like, watts works for salem because he wants to bring atlas to its knees, sure. he’s with her for his own self interest. but he has a couple of beats in v7-8 that feel… enlightening, namely:

1. watts is absolutely fucking fearless; he gets dangled off of high ledges twice by people who hate his guts and his reaction both times is to just HANG THERE while getting in the last word. which casts his dynamic with salem in v4-6 into a new light, because if watts is the sort to look death in the face and verbally go for the jugular then he is probably not all that scared of salem either—which tracks with his casual curiosity towards the seer in v5, and makes his reactions when he oversteps and she pushes back read less as “scared into submission” and more “genuine contrition borne of respect”

2. when salem asks him why he feels the need to be a dick to cinder, the reason he gives is “i’m not especially fond of failure”—but then in v8, when he and cinder witness the explosion of the whale and utter decimation of the grimm army, his emotional reaction seems to be CONCERN—the one time we ever hear watts sounding worried, it’s when he asks cinder “did… did anyone respond?”, he seems genuinely unsettled when she answers no, and then he rallies and without missing a beat goes, “well, she’ll come back. in the interim we need a plan”—which is the exact opposite way you might expect him to react to salem getting herself blown up based on his attitude in his establishing scene! (probably not coincidentally, the next thing that happens is watts letting loose on the actual reason he despises cinder, lmao). and that underscores the faultless loyalty he’s shown salem in the preceding volumes and brings it to fruition as: he might be an arrogant asshole, but he genuinely gives a shit about what happens to the rest of the cabal. like. he cares! he does! he’s just so ruthlessly pragmatic and unemotional that the only time we get even the tiniest glimpse of it is after he sees his boss and as far as he knows the entire rest of her inner circle get nuked. and then that gets reinforced again with “who is it? did someone survive??”

3. his deep hatred of cinder and equally deep loyalty and apparently genuine respect he has towards salem really starkly highlights the contrast between cinder’s personality and salem’s; this is one of the key reasons why i’m so positive that salem’s characterization is intentional (as opposed to narcissism being a trait shes *supposed* to have but doesn’t seem to bc the writers failed to portray it well). watts, as a character, is pointedly set up as a character who wouldn’t be able to stomach working for a cinder-esque salem / the fanon Spoiled Tantrum-Throwing Entitled Bitch salem.

and semi-relatedly, it intrigues me that, in the volume that made salem’s cabal not knowing what she’s truly trying to accomplish a MAJOR plot point, WATTS is the sole member of the inner circle who isn’t involved in that plot point at all. my hunch is that the arc was set up that way specifically because watts is/was the one with the clearest understanding of what sort of person salem is, which—at what feels to me like the very brink of the beginning of the reveal—makes it very important to keep him tf away from any discussions on that subject, so as to avoid showing the hand prematurely.

also,

his death (though tragic i miss him :( ) was VERY good, like structurally. he went down with the city that twisted him in the first place, because he chose to trust another victim of that city who was broken into exactly the kind of person watts most despised!! the poetry of it is just—GOD! “you never appreciated my genius, you just stood atop it and called yourself a giant!!” like! there’s a reason ironwood and cinder both threaten him in the exact same way and there’s a REASON watts reacts to both of them the way he does, and like. watts has nothing but spite and derision for ironwood, but he’s able to keep his cool, because ironwood is his enemy and watts knows that hubris will be ironwoods downfall and he can be satisfied with that. but like. watts is genuinely loyal to salem!! he is emotionally invested in the success of her cause!! and cinder is so important to salem, such a necessary part of her plans, so cinder’s recklessness and egotistical obsession with her own power and out of control entitlement INFURIATE him because all of that makes cinder salem’s biggest liability!! so he completely lets loose on her, and then cinder shocks him by letting him go and apparently taking the granules of constructive criticism that found their way into the furious ranting to heart, and he… decides to trust that. and that’s what gets him killed. hdhdjdlf i just

ik a lot of people read his death as a result of him being too arrogant to consider that cinder might stab him in the back but the way i took it was that in the end as soon as watts saw an inkling of willingness to change from cinder he gave her a second chance. and there’s just—idk something so profoundly compelling in that, these two people who got chewed up and spat out by atlas and responded in such diametrically opposing but equally unhealthy ways to that experience, and how that made them fundamentally unable to work together. & like watts after losing his temper and making her CRY saw that flash of vulnerability and her unexpected decision to spare his life and to all appearances went: fuck ok you know what? that was too far, lets try to cooperate. like in the 8.13 he’s following cinder’s lead, yknow? and… like, that’s not really any different, emotionally , from say the heroes deciding to provisionally trust emerald when she decides to help them, or accepting winter’s help, but for watts it blows up in his face because cinder reacted to getting hurt by putting up a front and destroying what hurt her with extreme prejudice bc that’s the only way she knows how to respond to pain anymore!! i just have a lot of feelings about v8 okay!!

also i have some nebulous thoughts about like, how ironwood and watts and pietro all perceive penny and how each of them sort of dehumanize her in different ways—ironwood treats her exactly the way he treats every other person bc he sees *everyone* as tools, watts can’t conceive of her as anything but a “magical science project” and is stymied by the existence of her soul, pietro loves her as his daughter but there’s also this unreconcilable conflict between that and her having been built fundamentally as a tool so he’s able to remotely access and take control of her body which like, christ what a way to literalize the fraught emotional tension of the parent-child relationship when the child is on the cusp of adulthood,

and ofc v7-8 are very much centered on penny and her struggle for autonomy and individuality within the fascist state that made her, so naturally these different intertwining threads of dehumanization are Present in the narrative but i dig how each thread says something about the character who exemplifies it—like with watts

watts never bothered to figure out his semblance, you know? bc he didn’t think it was a good use of his time. bc computers and code and the hard concrete predictable rules of computing were more valuable to him. it’s not that he sees penny as an object because she’s a robot, it’s that he flat out doesn’t value the human soul period. not hers, not his own, not anyone else’s. so he can’t wrap his head around why penny’s soul would be more powerful than penny’s physical hardware and software—& then take that and multiply it by watts being someone who buried his feelings DEEP under this ruthless, single-minded practicality, on being efficient and smart and meticulously achieving what you set out to accomplish, and multiply it again by his villain origin story being that he built atlas into what it is today while atlas treated him like a tool to be used. like. like!! the way watts sees penny is, i think, a literalization of precisely the way he was treated as a young man that shaped him into the fucked up person he became it’s repeating cycles of trauma and abuse all the way down!!!!

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

[probably-haven]

after binge reading i have come to a new revelation: I’m not a fan of most Xiaoven fanfics

Don’t get me wrong, I love the ship and its one of my favorite to think about.... but most of the fanfiction for the ship just- doesn’t sit right with me for a number of reasons. 

Disclaimer: these are personal opinions from my own taste and are in no way an attack against any authors out there, because frankly fanfic authors are great and not like i could do better lol. As these are personal opinions, I acknowledge here and now that a number of people disagree and that they are under no obligation to change their opinions in any way as it is not and never will be my intention to tell others what they should be thinking That said- read at your own risk if you want- meh, anyway-

time to share some opinions that have been on my mind lately

The biggest reason.... is how they handle Xiao. And I don’t even mean mischaracterization because Xiao is such a complex and yet simultaneously simple character that as long as you’re somewhere in the range of “Xiao vibes” it’s really hard to write him out of character because of his complexities. What I mean is something that i actually completely agree with as being accurate to his character. In nearly every single fanfic I’ve seen, there is some element of idolization that Xiao has for Venti, or for the sake of reference, Barbatos. He tends to think himself beneath Barbatos and/or indebted to him, whether that be because he’s an archon, because he saved him, or simply because of Xiao’s tendency to dehumanize(yes i see the irony in that word usage) himself.  This by itself isn’t an issue but its often how this trait of his is treated.

Imma just list a few ways I’ve seen this be handled within Xiaoven fics. - It isn’t handled, it’s just there and accepted as a part of who he is in the story - It isn’t handled but his trait is treated as source of humor within the story - Venti(and others) roll with it (finding humor in it, just cant change it, encouraging it, making jokes about it, etc.) - Venti takes advantage of it(whether accidentally or purposely) - it’s actually addressed(by Venti or someone else or the narration- can go a number of ways, but just- even a brief reference to the fact that its not a good mindset fits in here) - savior!Venti(Where venti disagrees with it but the way it’s written gives off “god among mortals” vibes- like he’s just being humble and truly is above him in reality) - its the focus of the story  - not directly addressed but shown to be destructive.  - they chose not to not include this in the story’s characterization of Xiao(just saying that this is valid ahead of time) Theres others but i have a lot already.  Note that I tend to read more ‘serious-toned’(idk if that makes sense) fics so that may skew my perception

Now there’s a few that i have issues with on their own- both instances of it not being handled, Venti(and others) rolling with it, Venti takes advantage of it(purposely(and without good intent)), and savior!Venti. Xiao not only has this trait, but he is unfamiliar with what is normal in relationships or emotions as a result of isolation and inexperience. He is also either not aware of or not concerned with what is considered strictly “healthy.” Combining these makes for a rather dangerous combination and just accepting it as “oh he’s just like that, it’s who he is” or making it out to be something funny- It’s not wrong or bad by any means necessarily, and I could still possibly enjoy it to an extent depending on a series of different factors, but its- not as often.  Even in the case where I do enjoy reading it however, I would still feel uncomfortable sharing it with or recommending it to others because in the first instance it feels like normalizing a destructive and dangerous mindset, and in the second case it does the same while simultaneously making a joke of it. It’s the same deal with Venti or other characters rolling with it, but that’s probably gonna be mentioned later too. Not to say that this is a “wrong” way to handle it, that it makes the fic bad, or that authors even are normalizing anything by doing so, just that in my specific instance- not a fan. 

I’ll get to the others when i talk more about Venti, but for now: It’s the focus of the story. I think I saw like... 2? where the story was like- focused on this and why its a problem which- power to them, address those real world problems like a boss- but also i wouldn’t actively seek it out or anything- like, good job, but doing so just leaves it open neutrally for other factors to decide how good a story i think it is. 

not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. You’d think i wouldn’t like this- but frankly in fanfiction not everyone wants to address every character flaw verbally because it can through off story, narration, dialogue, and general flow to do so. This can be with an event, an action, a dialogue, a mere comment, making it actually fit into the it’s actually addressed category except that its- subtle enough to make its own category. plus i live for show not tell- in everything- its a thing. im- very much a fan of when the fics do this but the subtlety is easy to miss and its not common so- 

It’s actually adressed- doesnt have to be a lot- just mention anywhere or imply anywhere that maybe idolizing someone as a god and savior and being in a relationship with them while having little knowledge of standards, emotions, relationships, or healthy behaviors in general- maybe isnt the smartest idea in the word. (”Call me Venti, not Barbatos” by itself is not enough to fit in this category tho as a note)

-

Now lets talk about Venti...

uh.... those who have followed me for awhile will probably already know this but... I have a lot of opinions on Venti and a pretty- “niche(?)” perception of his characterization that isn’t shared by a lot of others- so I don’t actually read as much Venti fanfic in general as you might expect because I often end up disagreeing with how writers portray him, which again, in no way is their characterization wrong, but- “their perceived truth” conflicts with “my perceived truth” and by extent so does the characterization, though neither is any more correct than the other from an objective point of view, if that makes sense... but anyways now that that’s said, moving on before this becomes a philosophy lecture, as fun as that would be for me.  I’ll try to keep my “perceived truth” out of this for the first bit. 

Venti’s response to this: 

He rolls with it: this depends on the mood of the fanfiction. If they dont put a lot of stress on that trait of Xiao’s it totally fine but if the trait seems to be a major part of Xiao’s character, it seems like normalization once more. (more on this later)

he takes advantage of it purposely: if its an AU or something and Venti’s like a villain(i saw a few) then- villain venti isnt my cup of tea but i have no qualms. If they don’t portray Venti in a negative light while having him take advantage however that’s a bit uncomfortable to read for me because it feels like normalizing taking advantage of that mindset as well as the mindset itself. However, i did see a number of instances of Venti using it as leverage for like- self care- which i definitely have no qualms. Xiao: [insert probably destructive idolizing statement about being indebt] Venti: How bout you pay me back by actually sleeping for once smh or other variations are okay and depending on the vibe are actually a really fun dynamic as long as it doesnt turn into romanticizing or normalizing it, y’know?

Venti accidentally taking advantage of it.... I love angst- and in most of these theres a sense of guilt when he realizes- and i just think thats a lovely way of addressing the dangers of such a mindset for both sides. As long as it doesn’t keep repeating to the point of romanticization its totally cool to read in my eyes(not irl ofc). If Venti never realizes he accidentally took or is taking advantage it feels a bit like normalization, and if he does but just- doesn’t care thats- a rip.

savior!Venti...... i- i hate. the story giving off vibes that Xiao’s mindset is technically correct while Venti oh so humbly tells him to treat him as an equal like the wonderful and charitable person he is.... i just- no. of course thats over dramatizing it- I think the main thing that gives it this vibe is when Venti doesn’t seem either concerned, surprised, uncomfortable, or otherwise have a negative feeling towards Xiao’s mindset. Just- it makes the whole thing weird in my eyes when Venti doesnt really seem to have his own reason to oppose the mindset idk- 

-

fact time!

Venti is the god of freedom. His backstory is freeing Mondstadt from a god’s tyrannical reign. His origin is a windsprite, just another breeze bringing changes for the better. His form is a nameless boy who played an instrument and then died, thus failing at his only dream and only ever accomplishing anything because of the help of others. He slept for a thousand years after the archon war to avoid putting Mond under the rule of yet another tyrannical god. He only even became a god because Andrius chose to let him. He wouldn’t have even had that chance if the nameless bard had survived, he’d remain just another wind while his friend ascended to godhood. Venti sacrifices his own power for his people’s freedom. 

now that I’ve laid out a number of canon facts, time for opinions:

Venti has little to no desire to be seen as a god. He thrives in, comes from, and emphasizes a lack of superiority in quite nearly everything. The first Ragnvindir, who canonically turned his back on Venti after Decarabian’s fall, likely did so because one- he anticipated power would corrupt and Venti would soon become just another tyrannical god, two- he suspected Venti used the nameless bard in an attempt to rise to godhood, or three- idk insert other possibilities to acknowledge again that i could totally be wrong.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Venti wouldnt trade godhood for his friend in an instant. His godhood was only granted to him because his friend died and could easily serve to constantly remind him of what could have been and what he lost. Venti takes no enjoyment from being seen as superior and in my opinion, I feel that it could actually make him largely uncomfortable when his divinity and abilities as an archon get involved-

also self promotion for my favorite posts- check out #archon war era venti if thats interesting to you

so anyway Venti rolling with it or making jokes about it just doesn’t sit right with me.- 

-

Okay! enough talking about that mindset!

idk- i have... a few/lot of other gripes and stuff or just things that kinda throw off the vibe for me but that’s the main one plus my general personal pickiness when it come to Venti fanfics- but this has gotten long enough already- 

idk i just felt like rambling about it and i haven’t done a long post in a while so-

again, I love the ship and its actually one of my favorites- just the fanfic isnt my thing..... that doesn’t mean i don’t still love it and come up with a whole ton of brainrot and ideas on it tho lmao

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Okay. So this is like, the funniest prompt that I found, wrote a bit for, and forgot about. I wrote it for a different fandom, and then thought "Organization XIII would be funny for this..." Org. XIII is turned into children and now the Reader has to (make sure they don't die) take care of them. Ages like... 4-9 because that's when children are the funniest. Do what you will with it

ngl im a sucker for old cliche prompts like these, every fandom has at least an au for this specific setting or some kindergarden au lolol

anyway here’s some HCs as to how they’d act and stuff !

Xemnas :

One of the oldest kids, but you don’t really know what to make of him. You were expecting Xemnas to still lead the rest, scare them into submission with a simple glare or something - turns out he’s rather timid. Barely speaks, you get the feeling he’s ignoring you on purpose, just makes a lot of faces and noises to indicate what he’s feeling. 

Somewhat clingy too, but unlike Demyx and Xigbar who want to get your attention through any means possible, Xemnas just grabs onto the hem of your shirt and follows you everywhere in silence. Doesn’t cause much trouble, but he doesn’t help you keep the others in check either, a true neutral I guess. 

Sometimes, he will just disappear and show up whenever you least expect him. Loves to climb and sit on tall places. Spaces out a lot. Compared to the rest, you can probably leave him to his own devices, as long as he’s not left alone with Xigbar or Larxene. 

Xigbar :

Actually the oldest, but pretty annoying and high maintenance. If he got on your nerves as his regular self, then you’re in for a fucking ride - this Xigbar is here to cause problems on purpose. He likes to talk, a lot. And it’s sucks because it’s usually endless and mindless chatter or pointing out everything that he sees. 

If he starts to get bored, he’ll scurry off to bother someone else, but it usually ends with someone crying or hurt. Don’t even bother keeping him on a leash, the bastard is too smart to be contained. 

Xigbar is one of those kids that can be extremely useful if you get him on your side, as he has no problem snitching and ratting out the others. The best way to keep him from losing his other eye or gouging out someone else’s is to bribe or trick him into helping you (just know that he can also be bribed by the other kids, Xigbar WILL betray you). 

Xaldin :

You expected Zexion to be the loner type, but turns out it’s Xaldin - he’ll always be on his own or avoiding the others, usually around the kitchen since you’ve banned everyone from going in there until they return to normal (not that they listen to you, but oh well). 

Xaldin is pretty much like those kids who hate being treated like kids and who pretend to be above the rest. While he might seem calm, it’s really easy to get him riled up, a simple “I bet you can’t do this or that” and he’s off to prove himself. 

Oddly enough, he gets jealous easily - if you give Roxas a cookie or whatever for behaving, then you GOTTA give Xaldin one too or else he’ll throw a fit. The best thing you can do with him is be honest and confess that you need him to chill the fuck out and Not Die :tm: while you take care of the others, he’ll feel all grown up because you told him the truth and will calmly stay in his room. 

Vexen :

One of the oldest kids, the stereotypical kid who only has ONE interest and won’t shut the fuck up about it, which is cute but not everyone has the patience to sit through a 6 hour talk about dinosaurs. You never expected this baby Vexen to be so into dinosaurs out of all things. Of course, just because he only talks about them, doesn’t mean he’s not curious about all that shiny lab equipment. 

You can’t keep him distracted with dinosaur books all day, he still has the heart and mind of a scientist ! Because he’s a very obvious nerd, he’s the target for a lot of members in the organization, namely Larxene - and when Vexen gets flustered or frustrated, he freezes up. Literally. He WILL freeze the entire room too.

Your best bet is to pair him up with Zexion or Xion, since they’ll gladly sit down to listen and learn. The three will gladly stay locked up in the library learning and reading. You just gotta hope Vexen doesn’t instantly crush Zexion and Xion’s dreams by ruining their fairytales with facts and logic.

Lexaeus : 

Also one of the older kids and the tallest too. This Lexaeus is just as stoic and intimidating as the original, but apparently he’s also very sensitive. Everytime he speaks to you it sounds like he might be about to cry. But he looks fine ? So you really don’t know what to do about him. 

Either way, Lexaeus is also very helpful and responsible, so you can trust him to watch over the rowdy kids and keep them relatively safe, just try not to pair him with the suuuper loud ones. 

Probably the type to take the blame and responsibility for any pranks gone wrong under his watch, even if you fully know there’s no way he’s responsible. Lexaeus is the epitome of “I just want everyone to get along”. Somehow, he’s very gentle with the others (as gentle as one can be when straight up dragging Xigbar out of the ventilation system) but he’ll break any toys and other items given to him.

Zexion :

Zexion is very very small, so you can probably understand the stress he’s going through, surrounded by these animals. Like Xemnas and Demyx, he’d be pretty clingy but he wouldn’t be able to follow you around or cling to you with all the others pushing and fighting around. 

So you can either just carry him on your shoulders or leave him with Lexaeus or Vexen as mentioned before. If not, Zexion will wander and either fall asleep in the Grey Area or find the library on his own. 

Not a problematic child, really. Zexion lacks the energy and the feralness to join any shenanigans - he's also smart enough to know that he’ll be better off listening to you and staying clear out of safety hazards. Though there’s always the chance of other members taking advantage of Zexion’s naive and curious nature.

Saix :

You were expecting him to be a tiny version of his regular self, bitter and strict. Surprisingly, he’s way more fun as a kid, glued to Axel by the hip too. They’re the duo you should look out for - Axel is the one who gets them in trouble and Saix is the one who makes sure you never notice they were behind it all. 

The one with a TERRIBLE temper right after waking up. Saix won’t hesitate to bite and claw anyone who tries to wake him up, even Axel knows better than to try. If it’s nap time, let him go, don’t even try to stop him. Don’t let anyone else near him.

Other than that ? A very nice kid in general, he feels a sense of responsibility when it comes to the younger members, so he’ll be the one to keep Axel in check whenever Zexion, Roxas or Xion are around. As for the older ones ? They’re on their own.  

Axel :

Axel is the first one to say “fuck” and it spreads like wildfire. So if you start hearing a bunch of kids swear at the top of their lungs, you know who caused it. You’ll also know because you’ll find him laughing and wheezing on the ground. 

Somewhat naive, if you tell him he can’t say “invertebrae” because it’s a swear world, he’ll believe you. But SURPRISINGLY he’s very aware of how dangerous his fire powers are - like, Axel wants to cause trouble on purpose, but he doesn’t really want anything to escalate and get anyone actually hurt. Unless it’s Vexen. If it’s Vexen, then it’s fine by him. 

You might hear “Y/N, LOOK” before seeing Axel in the kitchen casting fucking Firaga on a bag of Totinos or something. He and Demyx somehow keep getting targeted by the Dusks, who love to play pranks on them. 

Demyx :

Most likely to eat food off the ground, or anything shiny and colorful, really. He has the exact same vibes as the little brother who likes to follow people he thinks are cool to try and impress them, just to be considered a cool kid too. 

Demyx is very clingy but also a sneaky kid, he can easily cry his heart out so you’ll pay attention and protect him from people he’s pissed off. This is literally why most of the kids don’t like to be around him, cause he’s THAT kid who will ruin everyone’s funs by calling the responsible adult if he gets upset.

Instead of being musically inclined, Demyx just makes a lot of noise - constant loud humming, blowing raspberries, stomping his feet or tapping/hitting things, repeating funny noises or phrases he picks up. Probably has an old ass iPod or an MP3 you can distract him with.

Luxord :

DO YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE KIDS WHO ARE SMARTASSES ? The ones who act like they know the mysteries of the world and give you a look of superiority because you clearly don’t know what tubby custard really is ? Yeah, that’s Luxord.

Full of fun facts that he LOVES to brag about, but most of them are fake and he’s none the wiser. You cannot correct him either because it’ll be like telling an 8 year old that Santa isn’t real. Thankfully, you don’t HAVE to correct him because that’s what Xaldin is for. 

Most likely to steal Xigbar’s eyepatch for himself and somehow convince everyone else that it was HIS eyepatch in the first place. How ? We don’t know, we just don’t know. Also Luxord might just steal little trinkets from everyone and stash them under his bed like the little creacher he is. If you can’t find your keys, you know who’s got em.

Marluxia :

A natural big brother figure. Very understanding too, even if you’ve heard from Larxene that he’s tired of everyone pulling his hair and that he might shave it all off just so they all stop. Yeah, there’s some lingering resentment in there. He’s 50/50 on being a little bastard and an angel.

Marluxia volunteers to help you take care of the other kids, mostly because he likes bossing others around and because he also likes reading books to Zexion and Xion so they fall asleep. 

LOVES to leave trails of petals and flowers wherever he goes, but REFUSES to clean up. Always seen with Larxene - Marluxia is also lowkey competitive so he sees the Axel + Saix duo as rivals. In what, exactly ? Who knows. VERY picky with food too. Actually, just very picky and petty in general.

Larxene :

The one kid who develops a personal vendetta against you from day 1. Larxene DESPISES being told what to do, so if you’re constantly telling her not to do this, to do that and whatever, she will make your life a living hell and do the opposite out of spite. 

You didn’t hear this from me, but Larxene is GENUINELY upset that she keeps accidentally zapping people whenever she plays with them. It’s really hard for her to apologize too, so you’ll have to step in a lot to de-escalate the situation.

Larxene sticks forks in outlets JUST to scare others, since she cannot get hurt at all by electricity. She just seems to enjoy making others afraid.

Roxas :

One of the youngest, Roxas doesn’t KNOW what “using your indoor voice” means, he’s either DEAD quiet or SCREAMING about how he’d like to have ice cream as a treat, please and thank you. It’s really fucking funny to see honestly. Just make sure he doesn’t sneak up on you and scare you shitless.

The type who gets dragged into shenanigans rather than cause them - he’s a very neutral and calm kid otherwise. The worst thing he can do is just steal everyone’s dessert or something because of that intense sweet tooth he’s got.

A lot of the older kids LOVE trying to get him and Xion to laugh, because Roxas has this permanent poker face AND because they both have really funny snort giggle laughs. 

Xion : 

Also one of the youngest, very sweet, patient and polite ! Xion also tends to be very clingy, always needing to hold hands with someone whenever she walks around Castle Oblivion. No one has the heart to tell her no, either.

Can get VERY VERY irritating and angry when someone tries to make fun of her or Roxas. Like a little hurricane of puppies - Xion won’t stop pestering all the meanies until she’s received a proper apology. If she somehow ends up hurting someone, she’ll insist on making up too.

Xion also tends to copy people she likes, similar to Demyx. You might catch her imitating your movements or way of speaking, or even copying the Dusks’ movements - but just make sure she doesn’t see you, Xion will explode out of embarrassment.

[reidswritings]

everything changed then

word count; 5.1k

warnings; 14x15 spoilers!!!! curse words, gun violence (i think that's it??)

author’s note; this is my first spencer fic and im feeling really good about it so like, i hope you enjoy!!

 She wasn’t sure of the events that led her to the current situation. Or, you know, maybe she was— she wasn’t dumb. No in fact, other than Spencer, she was probably one of the smartest people on the team. Regardless of whatever the reason was, she was still there. She was in a terrible, terrible situation. 

What was once a car chase turned foot, had quickly turned into a hostage situation. A standoff between three FBI agents (JJ, Spencer, and Y/N) was cut short when the villain with the psychopathic tendencies forced all three to toss aside their weapons. He then forced an innocent hostage to lockdown the small shop. The innocent woman, who doubled as a mother and the judge who had locked the unsub away, with the other gun, pleaded with him. 

“Please, don’t hurt her. I don’t know how they found us, I didn’t call them!” she was nervous, her  hands shaky. Y/N, ironically, could feel the anxiety flowing from her own body. She was supposed to save them, save them all, and yet, here she was barely able to breathe as the potentially deadly weapon was trained on her boyfriend of three years. “Please, just let her go!”

“Melissa, we haven’t finished our little game.” The nasty man sneered at her, still holding the blonde against him while pointing his gun at Spencer. The three agents, shared a look. It was clear between them that they weren’t getting out without setting the man off. 

Casey forced Y/N down first, noises of protest coming from both her and Spencer. He had pulled her arms behind her back, more rough than needed, and wrapped her wrists in multiple layers of duct-tape. The tape pulled harshly at her skin, no doubt leaving behind a couple of nasty bruises. JJ and Spencer not far behind her, instead, Casey forced Melissa to do so. 

Spencer, trying to relive at least some of the tension, said, “Don’t worry, it's gonna be okay.” While Y/N knew that he was talking to the judge, she felt the undertones of his promise. 

don’t worry. it’ll be okay. we’ll get out of this, promise. nothing will happen. She knew that it was  meant for her too. 

“Hurry up!” Casey stressed, gun pointed at the stomach of the blonde who was barely holding it together. “Get over here. This is all your fault. I told you it was an accident, that—that Mark was the one who forced me to do it.”

The three tied up cops shared a look. This was bad, really really bad. Casey continued. angry, “But you wouldn’t listen! You just sat up there looking smug and superior. You think you’re so much better than me, but you’re not. You’re just as capable of hurting someone as anybody is.”

With too much force, Casey forced the young blonde to the ground, causing her to cry out as well as causing Y/N to move to her knees. He then pointed the gun back at Melissa, Y/N let out a noise of discomfort before saying, “C’mon, C-Casey, you don’t want to do this.”

A smirk playing on his lips, gross and unattractive, he looked to Melissa and ignored Y/N’s pleas, “Well, here it is, judge, your moment of truth.” In his outstretched hand was the gun that Melissa had previously tossed aside. She took it from the unsub’s hand, Jennifer’s eyes going wide at the sight. “Shoot her. Or i’ll kill your daughter.”

No one moved. No one breathed. No one spoke a word— that is until JJ’s voice rung out, breaking the silence. “Come on. She’s got nothing to do with this, okay? Just let her go.”

“Shoot her!” It was forceful and loud and dangerous all at the same time. Spencer and Y/N were stunned into silence, JJ spoke again, “Casey, she’s not a part of this. Okay?” She was trying so desperately to get everyone out with out any injuries. She was brave and Y/N admired that about her good friend. “You have no reason to hurt her. Just let her go.”

Y/N knew it was wrong as soon as the words passed her good friend’s lips. She watched with an anxiety filled heart as Casey’s whole demeanor changed, he snatched the gun from Melissa’s hands and stomped over to where JJ was sitting. He knelt down to her level and roughly grabbed a chunk of her beautiful blonde locks. Spencer moved forward, like he was going to say something, something that would aggravate the gunman even more. Y/N silently pleaded with him to stop, to just say silent— stay safe.

However, Y/N beat him to it. She didn’t care if the fire was on her. She’d rather that than on JJ or Spencer or an innocent bystander. “Leave her alone.” 

Her voice was harsh and threatening all at once. In all the years that Y/N had been on the team, no one had ever heard her talk like that. Then again, Y/N was always cautious enough to never end up in a hostage situation. 

It was then Casey pointed his gun at Y/N—Spencer’s heart stopping— “I wasn’t talking to you.” It was clear to the room that he was directing that to both girls. He then, without anymore aggravations, violently released JJ before standing up, gun still trained on Y/N, and backed up to the blonde who had the unfortunate job of working in this shop on this god-awful day. 

“Get up! Now!” He pulled the young girl up, tossing her into the counter next to Spencer. Her body flung into the counter with such force it knocked down a mirror, shattering. A gun shot rung out and Melissa and the unnamed worker both yelped— one in fear and the other in pain. 

Y/N watched as Spencer slowly moved over, trying to see the young girl, only to be stopped by a shout and a gun in his face. “Do not move!”

If Y/N’s anxiety ridden heart was in her throat before it was now jumping from her mouth and onto the floor. She didn’t understand why she was on the verge of loosing her breath. She had seen a gun pointed at her boyfriend before. It wasn’t anything new, it happened. It came with the job. Maybe it was the fact that she knew there was no getting out of this without injury and pain. 

Again, Casey’s focus was on Melissa, “New deal.” Gun in her face, gun in his hand, offering. All three agents watching helplessly. They were out of options. This was really fucking bad. “Now you need to kill one of these three.”

Y/N’s heart calmed slightly as she watched the scared brunette take the gun from the wild man’s hand. She could do this. She could talk her down— this she could do. Melissa turned to the three, gun pointed at the floor before focusing it on Spencer. 

“Melissa— Melissa, you don't want to do this. I know you don’t, you can stop this. Just put down the gun. Please—”

“Shut up!” Casey’s voice was raw. It was clear his patience was running thin. He was going to snap. Back to Melissa, he asked, “Who’s it gonna be?”

Her eyes locked with Spencer’s then with Y/N’s, they were sad and scared, “Please. Please, I don’t want to do this.”

“Focus, Melissa!” Loud and angry. The gun shook with his words.

“Please,” she begged, it was no louder than a whisper. Y/N could feel herself loosing hope, maybe she was wrong. Maybe she couldn’t do this. 

“Judge, you gotta decide. That’s what you do right?” He was calm, now. Way, way too calm. “Decide life or death with a flick of your gavel.”

The gun in Melissa’s hands moved from Spencer then to the floor and then to JJ only to go back to Spencer in the end. And Y/N was going to lose it. She was ready to do something, anything when the phone rang. Hope flooding her veins again. Help was here. They would get them out, without any damage. Right?

Y/N let out a breath, one she wasn’t aware she was holding, when Spencer spoke. His voice providing her with a much needed feeling of ease. “Answer it. Casey, answer it.”

“Shut up!” Melissa’s gun was still trained on Spencer as Casey yelled at her, “Pull the trigger!”

Melissa cried out, terrified. Y/N opened her mouth, the words flowing out before she could stop them. “Please, please don’t do this.”

“Shut up, everybody, shut up!” Casey was nearing his end, he was snapping. He lunged forward, ripping the cord from the wall, the insistent ringing stopping with it. “Focus, Melissa! Pull the trigger.”

JJ shared a look with Spencer then looked to Y/N, before trying one last time, “Casey, if Melissa won’t play, I will.” The beautiful blonde moved to her knees. She was determined to take the heat off Spencer. She couldn’t lose her best friend— she couldn’t let Y/N loose the love of her life. 

Jennifer was standing now, everyone sharing a worried look. Casey trained his gun on JJ, moving it from Melissa. Small victories. 

“Truth or dare, that’s your game, right?” The beauty shrugged, like it was nothing off her back, “I’ll play.” 

“JJ—” Y/N started, but cut herself short when Casey pointed the gun at her again. “Melissa, the weapon— give it, now!” 

“Casey,” Spencer began and Y/N felt her eyes close, hope slowly draining away again, ‘I know what its like, to be wrongly accused, sent to prison for a crime you didn’t commit.”

Casey laughed, though no humor was held behind it, “Bullshit. You went to jail?”

Spencer nodded and Casey laughed again, “Yeah, I’d like to see that, pretty boy.” He then moved over to JJ and Y/N’s mind was running a mile a minute trying to fix this. Trying to find a way to get them to safety. Trying, trying and failing. 

“Alright, agent. . .”

“Jareau,” she supplied and Y/N could hear the underlying fear. 

“Agent Jareau,” he repeated, testing it on his tongue, “truth or dare?”

“Truth.” she was calm, but Y/N could tell that her good friend was just trying to put on a brave face.

“If I think you’re lying or stretching the truth in the slightest, I’ll kill him.” His gun was pointed at Spencer again and Y/N felt herself gasp loudly. JJ nodded solemnly and the wild man continued, “you ever shoot anybody before?”

“Yes, I have.”

He was sick; he laughed, “You enjoy it?”

“No.” Y/N felt like she was going to throw up. She couldn’t, this was too much. She couldn’t believe this was how her day turned out. She watched with a heavy heart and tearful eyes as Casey’s face morphed into anger. She knew JJ had messed up. He turned, annoyance heavy on his shoulders. Before any of the highly trained agents could make a move, Casey pointed the gun in Spencer’s direction and fired, screaming out. “Liar!”

Both Y/N and JJ gasped, but Y/N was the only one to yell out. “No!”

Panicked, JJ’s wide eyes moved from Spencer’s uninjured form to the man with the gun, “No, no, no. I’m not lying. Okay? I’m not lying. The people I shot, I had no choice, but I did not enjoy it. I didn’t. Okay, you asked and I-I told the truth. Okay, I told you the truth, so, uh— now, it's my turn. Right? That’s how this game is played, we take turns. Truth or dare?”

Casey slowly lowered his gun and Y/N watched helpless. “Truth.”

“What’s it gonna take for all of us to walk out of here alive? For this to end peacefully?”

Casey scoffed and trained his gun on JJ again, angry, “I ain’t going back to prison. My turn. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“I want you to say something you’re afraid to say, that you’d never tell anybody. And you better make it good, ‘cause if it's not, it's gonna be the last thing you ever say.” Y/N was out of hope. She could feel her walls breaking down, she could feel the few tears that had escaped her closed eyes. The gunman continued, shaking his weapon, “What’s it gonna be?”

JJ shook her head, voice watery. “There are only four people I trust in this world.”

“Boring.” He had snapped. This was it, his breaking point; he moved the gun back to Melissa and pulled the trigger, the bullet entering her leg. She yelled out and collapsed to the ground. Casey brought the gun back to Jennifer, “Next!”

“Um. . . My. . .” she was struggling, “My baby I lost, I, um—” Y/N’s eyes opened, trained on her friend, watery and blurry. “I wanted to name her Maggie.”

“Wrong!” He wanted more. He wanted her deepest secret, “Come on, you can do better than that!”

“Casey.” Spencer’s voice rung out, warning. 

“Shut up!” The dangerous man rushed her then. His hand attached itself to JJ’s arm and shoved her down to her knees with force, gun eye level to the blonde, “Last chance. Something you would never say aloud, not even to your partners here. Your deepest, darkest secret. Impress me or I kill him.”

“JJ,” Y/N’s broken voice was no louder than a whisper as she begged her friend to save her boyfriend, “please.”

The blonde shared a look with both of her friends as Casey yelled again, “Come on!” 

JJ’s eyes and voice were watery as she spoke. “Spence, I, uh, I’ve always loved you.”

It was like a punch to the gut. She felt like she was a balloon and all the air had escaped. She didn’t believe what she was hearing spill from her best friend’s lips. In a broken whisper, Y/N asked, “What? JJ—”

Spencer had turned to the blonde, his face that once held anger and confusion now held a look that Y/N couldn’t quite place. The blonde continued on, crying, ignoring Y/N’s cries, “And I was just too scared to say it before. And now things are just really too complicated to say it now, because I have Will and the boys and you have Y/N— I’m sorry, but you should know.”

Y/N’s blurry eyesight shot to her boyfriend, trying to see his reaction. And what she saw broke her heart in half. He smiled. He fucking smiled. He had a fucking smile on his lips and he was looking at JJ how he usually looked at Y/N. And maybe that was what hurt the most. Seeing the far away, lovestruck look in his eyes. 

Casey broke the heavy silence, his laugh was loud and bitter, gun lowered, “Hot damn. That’s what I’m talking about. Now those are some last words right there, but not good enough to save your life.” 

Casey leveled his gun on JJ’s forehead again, ready to pull the trigger. Y/N cried out, eyes slamming shut, she couldn’t watch this. Sure, her best friend had just admitted to having feelings for her very own boyfriend, but she was still her best friend. 

A gunshot filled the room. Y/N yelped, crying harder, opening her eyes after hearing a thud. Only, JJ was fine and Spencer was holding a gun, panting, keeping eye contact with the aforementioned blonde. Spencer had moved to cut his girl free first, helping her stand. Then he moved to the blonde who had just confessed her undying love for him. 

The brokenhearted girl watched as her boyfriend carefully cut JJ free, an unspoken conversation seemed to be flowing through them. Spencer had a look of peace on his face as Jennifer turned to look at him. It was like they had forgotten that Y/N was in the room, heart breaking. 

Spencer opened his mouth, to say something. To fix it, Y/N hoped. But before he could get the words out, the back door burst open, their team rushing in, and the spell was broken. 

The two moved away from each other. Y/N watched as how her boyfriend seemed to remember she was standing right there. She watched as he turned to face her, reach for her. She watched as he moved to comfort her. 

But before he had the chance, she ripped away from his gaze and left him standing in the small shop. Left him standing in the place where their relationship died. 

—

Six weeks had passed. Six weeks of sitting across from one another. Six weeks of stolen glances and regretful eyes. Six weeks of Y/N wishing, longing for Spencer. Hoping that he would come back to her and just say he was sorry. 

Sorry for pushing her away. Sorry for giving the heartbroken girl the impression that JJ was his girl. Sorry for making her feel like she was a second choice; for acting like nothing ever happened; for everything. 

She he’d been held up in her apartment, surrounded by all the things that reminded her of the pretty boy (apart from work, she barely left. and to say the team was very worried about the young girl was and understatement). Ironic, right? All she wanted was to forget about the curly haired boy and yet, he was all that plagued her mind. 

Y/N was surrounded by boxes, some taped shut and marked with what was inside; others only half filled, things hazardously sticking out the top. The memory that all the packages brought was a stab to her heart and a kick in her stomach. How dare they still be there; unmoved and happy. 

The once happy couple, who were together for almost four years, was all set to move in together. Y/N could almost imagine Spencer in the new, bigger and better, apartment all by himself. She could see him waking up before the sun and pouring himself a cup of too sweet coffee and re-reading books he had already read. She could see it all.

 She hoped it was lonely, that it held the same sadness that she was feeling. She hoped that he was just as miserable. 

She knew he wasn’t though. He couldn’t be. No, he couldn’t be. . . right? He had JJ now. He was happy now; he finally had what he always wanted— the pretty blonde girl that he had been in love with since day one. Day one of the BAU, day one of friendship, day one of birth— the girl that he was always meant to be with. Y/N wasn’t stupid, she knew how much she paled in comparison to the very beautiful girl. 

She could only imagine all the times that Spencer had wished that it was Jennifer Jaraeu instead of his loser of a girlfriend. She imagined all the fantasies that had to be playing in his mind every time they kissed, every time they laughed, every time they touched, every time they made love. 

Maybe that was what hurt the most; knowing that he had always wanted it to be her. The blonde. The beauty. The brains. The everything Y/N was not. 

A very loud ringing broke Y/N away from her intrusive thoughts. Again. She had thrown her phone across the room (not literally, of course. She had just dumped it on the counter along with everything else that she didn’t want to look at). She knew who it was; JJ. It had to be— everyday for the past month she had been calling, trying to apologize, explain, salvage what was left of their friendship. Jennifer had left voicemail after voicemail and text after text, trying to get the heartbroken girl’s attention. 

It wasn’t like Y/N was completely ignoring her old friend—no, she wasn’t that much of an asshole—, she would read all the texts received and listen to the messages (which actually, when she thought about it, that was probably even worse. maybe she was the asshole she tried so hard not to be). 

She even talked to her during cases (of which there had been two since the incident), but the second JJ had brought up anything to do with Spencer or what had happened, Y/N retreated into the shell she had created for herself. Though it wasn’t a perfect situation, it worked. It worked for her and that’s all that mattered. 

What she didn’t expect though, was a knock at her front door. She had considered ignoring it and letting whoever was at her door think she was out or asleep. Or literally anything else that would excuse her not moving from her pathetic slumped position. 

The knocking sounded again before his muffled voice flowed through the door, stopping her heart. “Y/N, I know you’re in there.”

She sighed (he did too). Her heart was in her throat (so was his); she hadn’t seen him outside work for longer than she cared to admit. She stood and felt her body drag her to the wood that separated her and her pretty boy. 

And before she knew what was happening, Y/N was swinging the door open, Spencer was standing before her— distraught. 

“Why do you look like that?” She asked, deadpanning. There’s that asshole bit rearing its ugly head again. It wasn’t fair that he looked so strung out, he did this. This was his fault. Her hand was resting on the door, barricading him out and her in. 

“What?” Genuine confusion crossed his face and Y/N almost felt bad. Almost. “Y/N, we haven’t talked in weeks.”

“We talk at work.” Short and unforgiving. He sighed at her words, running a very gorgeous hand through his curls, breaking apart a few. A part of Y/N, a very, very small part, wished it was her fingers pulling apart his crazy mane. She missed how soft his hair was, the way he smelled. She missed how with just one touch she could feel all of the stress leave his body. She missed how he looked at her. She missed it all and she hated herself because of it. 

“Don’t be so obtuse.” The regretful boy started and Y/N could feel her heart breaking all over again, “I mean, for real. . . Y/N, I miss you— I miss us.”

“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” A knife to his heart, she could tell. Good. He deserved this; he deserved to hurt just as much as he had hurt her. 

“That’s not fair, she—”

“No,” the heartbroken girl began, a sadness in her voice. “you don’t get to decide what’s fair and what’s not— especially when it comes to my feelings, Spencer Reid.”

He was still standing in the hallway, eyes begging to be let in. The pleading didn’t go unnoticed; maybe that’s why she found herself opening the door and dropping her arm, watching as he moved inside. 

He was still her boy. Her beautiful boy. No matter what he or JJ had done, Spencer Reid was still undeniably hers. No matter what she was still under the spell of his gorgeous browns.

The sad boy followed her into the living room, taking in the scene. He felt his breath hitch as his eyes swept over all the boxes and the mess that covered the once happy apartment. He could just about throttle himself; he couldn’t believe he had let this happen. That he had let it get this bad— he was such a fucking idiot. 

Y/N watched as his curious eyes took in everything before him, committing it to his never forgetting memory. She knew that, regardless of anything, he would always come back to this moment. She knew that he would always blame himself. Spencer Reid had such a big heart and that was probably his one and only fault. Regardless of any hurt he may have caused her, she knew deep down that he hadn’t meant to. He would never intentionally hurt anyone, and maybe that’s why she asked her next question:

“Why are you here, Spencer?” She had pulled his eyes back to her. 

Swimming in regret, he said, “I want to fix this.” Y/N had begun to shake her head and opened her mouth but he cut her off, continuing, “Please. . . Y/N, tell me how I can fix this.”

“I-I. . . Spencer, I don’t know if you can.” Heart breaking more than she thought possible. 

Then, he did something she would’ve given her life to never see. 

Spencer got down onto his knees, now eye level with the girl on the old couch. He placed a hesitant hand on her knee and squeezed. When Y/N met his gaze, she felt her heart break its final piece. His eyes were glossed over with unshed tears and when he spoke his voice was wet with the cries he was trying so hard to push down. And Y/N hated it. 

“Y/N. . . please,” he was begging. Begging to be heard, to be forgiven, for her. Just begging. 

Against her own wishes, Y/N’s hand reached out and pushed back the hair like she had been wanting to since he showed up at her doorstep. “Spencer, I— There’s things we’d have to talk about— questions I have. I-I can’t just jump back in, we have to talk about—”

“Then ask me.” The crying boy rushed out, sniffing. “Ask me anything.”

Y/N sighed. Did she really want to do this right now? Could she handle this? 

“Do you love her?” It spilled from her lips before she knew what she was asking. She didn’t regret it.

His answer spilled from his too, “Yes.” Maybe she did. 

Tears spilled from her eyes and she struggled to hold down a sob. It came out as a watery laugh and she stood up, forcing his hands off her body. She closed her arms around herself, another barricade from the boy who refuses to stop breaking her heart into a million little pieces. He stood up too, reaching a hand to connect them together again but decided against it, too afraid of being rejected. 

Her mind was running a mile a minute. She was kicking herself for trusting a man who was so clearly into another woman— a married woman. She was so angry that he led her on for so long. She wanted to throttle him; she could’ve too, if she really wanted to. As much as she wanted to, she knew her body would never do it. As angry as she was, her body was still irrevocably in love with Spencer Reid. 

“Then why are you here?” It was dangerous. She half wished he wouldn’t answer, she didn’t know if she could handle the answer. 

His reply was slow to start, she wondered if he had even heard her, “. . . Because, I love you, too. I love you differently.”

“What?” She was tired. So, so fucking tired. 

She felt his hand place itself on her shoulder, she didn’t react. She didn’t move, didn’t lean into it. She just froze and waited for his response. Spencer surprised her for a third time. His hand moved down to her elbow, turning her around gently before starting his monologue. Her eyes stayed glued to the ground as he spoke. 

“Y/N, I’ve known JJ for over 14 years. When I first met her, sure I wanted her to notice me,” he paused to laugh before continuing, “I even tried to take her on a date one time. . . she ended up inviting Penelope. . . I was mortified. . . that’s not my point. Hell, I don’t really know what I’m saying. I tried for so long. I tried to get her to notice me, but then she met Will and then she had Henry and everything got so complicated. And I realized, Y/N, that I had to let her go, and then I met you and everything changed.”

Y/N’s eyes finally met his brown ones. She echoed him, “Everything changed?”

Sappy and clumsily, he laughed, “Yeah. Y/N, everything— everything changed. Suddenly, instead of wondering what Jennifer thought I was thinking about you— thinking how to talk to you, what you liked, if you liked me. God, I was so into you back then. . . I still am. I won’t lie to you, Y/N, I never have and I won’t start now. Yes, I love JJ. I think I always will, it’s just different. I love her, but I’m in love with you. And I always will be, I-I mean, you’re my girl.” 

During his confession, Y/N had moved closer. She had hesitantly placed her hands on his chest, where they belonged— she realized. “Spencer. . .”

His eyes were soft as they gazed down at her. They held love— the love that she had seen focused on JJ all those weeks ago. He brought a hand up to her face, thumb tracing her cheekbone. It felt like it was forever, them just looking— gazing, falling back in love. Then, she watched as her boy started, very, very slowly, to lean down. She felt his lips just barely brush against hers, his breath fanning her face as he spoke. “Y/N, please.”

And that was all that it took. The desperation in his voice was what made her finally, finally, connect their lips. It was just as wonderful as she remembered. His lips fumbled lazily against hers; she could feel the love though the sloppy kiss. He had brought his other hand up, fisting her hair into a messy bunch. Her hands pulled him closer, her lips spreading as she felt Spencer’s tongue dart across her lips, asking to be let in. His name fell from her lips in a hungry manner, she wanted him. She needed him. The only sound in the small apartment was their moans and the noise of them reconnecting. In between kisses, Spencer managed to sneak in the few words Y/N was sure she’d never tire of hearing.

“I. . kiss. . love you. . . kiss kiss. . so much. kiss. . .Y/N.” She had smiled against his lips, feeling like everything would be okay. While she knew they had more than enough healing to do (both together and apart), she also knew that she wasn’t going to lose him anytime soon. And that was all that mattered, because the rest would figure itself out. 

[casasupernovas]

more:

series 4 may have a new companion, but it still seems to hinge too much on rose. series 3 seems to have little consequence on the overall story. so much so, that if you took out series 3 altogether and went straight from the 'runaway bride' to 'partners in crime' and swapped out martha in the sontaran two parter for the brigadier...the only consequence of series 3 that is shown in 'turn left' when the doctor dies is that he wasn't there to help when the royal hope goes to the moon, and everyone bar one dies, including martha, sarah jane and her crew. rose isn't even aware of her existence, and by proxy she is not even aware of sarah jane's death either. right at the beginning of the series after yet another blonde takes the helm in 'voyage of the damned', the doctor seems to feel guilty for what happened with martha, with donna commenting that he acting better than he was the first time they met, only for him to reduce the entire situation to be that martha had a fancied him even though we know she was in LOVE with him, something he KNEW because she admitted it to John Smith and we KNOW he remembers 1913 very clearly, and saying it got 'complicated' is a gross simplification of the series that was very annoying to watch.

in fact, this simplification becomes downright alarming to donna when she hears the full story of what actually happened to martha and her family. furthermore, it's sets up a weird superiority over martha just because donna is not romantically interested as if the idea of romance in itself hinders a character. it doesn't, if handled correctly. i dont think rose's romance hinders her - i just wish they had made her more equal to the other companions. as far as i know, this was never really a thing in classic who, people had favourites, but no companion appeared to be deemed better than the other. in the 'fires of pompeii' - the emotional weight of why the doctor needs a companion is great...until you realise he should have already learnt this with martha already. and with all the rose cameos, it also felt like donna was becoming dimmed in her season too albeit not too much as catherine tate brought her so much character that she is hard to diminish.

'turn left' while a stellar episode, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth as the more i rewatch, the more callous rose seems and the more the story seems to just be a ploy for rose to scarifice donna to get her man back. i dont think this was the intention but it's certainly what it feels like. it made more sense to see someone like martha in that story, rather than rose, as martha was literally working with unit, and it is implied that unit keeps tabs on certain worlds and timelines, and it would have been really eerie for donna to meet martha jones, only to see on the tv that the woman she just spoke to was dead. also rose seems downright psychopathic when she leans over donna's dying body with no sadness for her death and says "bad wolf." and although im sure everyone was exicted to see rose again, i feel like it would have been more impactful if she wasn't involved because she was still trapped in 'pete's world' and instead, we get a surprise last farewell when the doctor sees her again in 'the end of time part 2'.

seeing rose pre the first season for the first time since series 2 would have been more impactful in my opinion. additionally, it felt odd for the show to display rose as some sort of warrior with a massive gun she barely even uses, especially with what the doctor had said multiple times in this series in regards to guns, especially as his daughter literally got shot a couple episodes previously and his response to her murderer. in fact, i don't even even remember what rose actually did in the 'stolen earth/journeys end' two parter (please comment). i only remember martha working for unit, jack dying and liasing with torchwood back in cardiff, harriet jones bringing everyone together, and the red herring thrown in with mickey, sarah jane and the osterhagen key. and of course the meta crisis doctor and donna. i even read that even billie piper wasn't a fan of how rose's story ended. her immediately leaping into the meta crisis doctor's arms was selfish but selfishness is one of the main characteristics to rose. it was realistic so i didn't dislike it. but it was kind of annoying when they were all on zoom as it were (haha!) and rose immediately got jealous of martha.

again, jealously is another classic rose trait, but i would have thought rose would have grown up a little at this point. and the "she's good" line to martha wasn't as great as they probably thought it would be, as at this point in the story, martha didn't want or need rose's random stamp of approval.

all in all, i think the impact of rose, and handling of subsequent companions could have been handled much better. martha could have still been in love and have agency like she does in the doctor who novels. and i think we all know donna can stand on her own two feet as a character. and i personally felt that a point that series 2 should have focused on more than the 'my boyfriend the doctor' thing should have been the instability of traveling with him. they would explore this to an extent but the tone would almost always be a little ruined e.g. rose being devastated at mickey choosing to stay in the parallel universe only to forget his existence in 'the idiot's lantern' the very next episode. i did like however how they handled mickey & rose in 'army of ghosts' because you could see that rose was visibly hurt that mickey wasn't exactly fawning over her anymore, but it wasn't like she could say anything. and some points she talks to him and he doesn't even look at her. and because i liked rose so much, it just became quite disappointing to see how her character was subsequently handled after her departure.

fin.

[firelord-frowny]

sad blah blah

almost unanimously, people have only ever said extraordinary or at least good things about me. anyone who’s ever seen me do anything, whether it’s writing related, music related, performance related in general, or intellect, no one has ever reacted to me with “meh.” 

i went to college on a talent based scholarship that i barely even had to apply for. literally, immediately after my audition, i somehow wound up mentioning that i had missed the deadline for the scholarship application or something. the entire panel of judges FLIPPED OUT and basically demanded that i go complete the application right away because they wanted me bad. 

in my first semester, we had to work with some local ~professional artists~ in baltimore and one of our assignments was to complete some sort of art project that explored the concept of ~refuse versus environment~ or something like that. We were supposed to complete it over the course of a week and then bring it to our next meeting with the artist. i did my project ON THE BUS while we were on our way to that meeting. I scribbled a few stream-of-consciousy paragraphs about... something lmao i don’t remember. but i read it out loud to my group and then the artist spent like a solid 15 minutes gushing about how ~in all his years of being an art professor at some of the most distinguished programs in the world, he’s never heard such an elegant and artful take on blah blah blah~. 

the president of my university???? asked me personally to come and perform at his home for fancy events with other Important People like donors and politicians and researchers??? and like. this man had a whole “60 Minutes” special about what a critical role he’s had in using education to strengthen communities. this man sat at tables with obama while he was in office. he paraded me around to other Important People and talked about what an outstanding artist i was, my sparkly personality, my ~delightful wackiness~, blah blah. 

Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR professors who were all world-class musicians at a festival i attended, singled me out as particularly gifted. the kinds of shit they were saying to me in front of everyone did not get said to anyone else. 

when i was at Tanglewood, even though i fucking sucked because i clearly hadn’t practiced all the music, all my chamber coaches STILL made sure to let me (and the other people in my groups???) know that i was the more skilled player in the ensembles. I wound up having to sit last chair at one of the concerts because there had been some miscommunication that led to the directors thinking i was leaving the program (i was super homesick and had been asking my parents to come get me), and despite that fact, after the concert, the conductor - who had never even spoken a word to me personally - made sure to hunt me down in the crowd as everyone was leaving, and tell me what an outstanding player he thought i was, and that he felt lucky to have had me in his orchestra. 

i spent a summer at Summit Chamber Music Festival in upstate new york. the skill level among the students ranged from Laughably Inept to Why Aren’t You At The Curtis Institute. I was by FAR not the worst player there, but I also definitely felt like I was nowhere near the best. But the program director specifically, deliberately placed me in the highest level orchestra, surrounded by players who were fully capable of playing shit like paganini and weiniawski and whatnot. When he wanted to put together a small chamber group, he pointedly selected me to play 1st chair. My string quintet included 3 other string players who were lightyears better than me. Yet our coach frequently turned to me to demonstrate the ~right way~ to play a lot of the more difficult passages. And like... I was the 2nd violinist lmao. It’s almost aallllways the 1st violinist that coaches will ask to demonstrate stuff for the rest of the group. but he asked me. every time. our quintet was ultimately selected to close out the entire festival, a la Saving The Best For Last. The pianist in my quintet, according to his mom, thought i was incredible. this pianist was a bona fide prodigy and he thought i was incredible.

LITERALLYYYYYY everywhere I’ve ever performed, everyone has been so impressed with me. directors of major musical organizations have always made a point to get my name and contact info because “we’ll definitely be contacting you for more work.”  

Everyone who’s ever seen me teach violin thinks I’m uncommonly good at it. i mean, i’m no galamian, duh, but apparently i’m able to get students to sound better than the average teacher can.  

everyone who read my first screenplay claimed to be floored by it. i spontaneously read some of my prose at an open mic night and uh, accidentally snatched the show right out from under the featured artists' feet. 

I used to act???? and was pretty fucking good at it?? I starred in a small handful of local plays? i was cast in ~large roles~ in everything i ever auditioned for. 

my talents in visual art are decidedly Well Above Average. 

i have such a fucking long list of things people think are outstanding about me, and an incredibly long list of people who have bothered to tell me that i’m outstanding, and it makes me feel so fucking sad and frustrated bc like....

lmao why the fuuuUUUUCCCKKKKK does it continue to be so difficult to find anyone who feels like giving me any legit career opportunities?? Even when they’re aware that i’m available?? and willing?? 

i’ll have a 10 minute conversation in which a professor or a director or a coordinator is telling me all about how impressed they are by my skills at Whatever, and how i should do This and i should do That and i should go Here and i should go There and then they ask me where i’m currently working/what i’m currently doing, and i say, “oh, you know, mostly freelance gigs and lessons as i’m looking for full time opportunities,” and then they say “cool! good luck!” and leave. 

i feel sad and confused and delusional. if im so fucking great, why aren’t people reaching back when i reach out in search of a means to earn a fucking living?? 

i know the short answer is that i still don’t ~put myself out there~ and i give up too easily. but also like... i have BEEN out there. the total positive experiences i’ve had with influential superiors over the years have been plentiful and frequent enough that SOMEBODY should have wanted me to contribute something substantial to whatever programs they represent.

and since i feel like i must be delusional and that i must not actually be such hot shit and that everyone is lying to me to spare my feelings, it makes me not even want to try harder bc i’ll wind up discovering for certain that everyone thinks i’m trash. 

what do i have to doooooooo to find The Right Opportunity other than reach out to the same people who told me how phenomenal i am? i make sure Potential Employers see/hear me being fantastic. i apply for jobs in their organization if i know they’re hiring. if i know they’re not hiring, i at least convey that i’d be interested in possibly working with them. but nobody reaches back.

i’m so good at things and i feel like a fucking deadbeat loser lmaoooooo

maybe they don’t actually know that i’m fucking jobless??? lmao maybe they’re assuming that i must already be active in a real career? maybe i need to literally TELL them as they’re praising me, “i’m unemployed and i need a job, do you know of any full time opportunities you could point me to?” but i feel like people think it’s a ~red flag~ when a potential employee doesn’t already have a steady job??? but also... how the fuck is anyone ever supposed to get a steady job if nobody’s willing to hire them because they don’t have a steady job???

i feel Stupid and i think that whenever i finally get the fucking resolve to start therapy again, i’m gonna just show this whole ass rant to my therapist. 

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Dee Little Snake

Series Summary:  Janus uses age regression as a way to destress but has little control over it whenever he grows upset. Trying to keep a secret like that can be hard when you’re only four years old, and thus family bonding ensues in a way nobody expected, least of all Deceit.

Chapter 4: Deserving of Comfort

Chapter summary: Janus has been avoiding the others for a couple of days. When he finally emerges for a simple lunch and gets caught by Patton the results are better than he was expecting.

Warnings: mild angst, if there’s more please let me know.

Taglist (ask to be added or removed): @a-different-s1de @emo–nightmare

General taglist (ask to be added or removed): @janus-is-an-adorable-snek-boi  @im-an-anxious-wreck

WC: 1,708

For Janus, a simple cheese sandwich with yellow mustard would always be the superior lunch. It was easy and quick to make, it was all yellow- which definitely wasn’t a bias on his part- and it was a thing that made very little noise when putting it together or eating it. It was definitely something he liked more when the need to be stealthy arose but he still wanted to eat. Not to say he wanted to avoid anyone, he just would rather not see and/or speak to a certain side at the moment so that certain topics could remain unspoken about for the time being. Certainly the opposite of avoidance if one was desperate to put a label to it.

Still, the reptilian side couldn’t help but sneak glances over his shoulder now and then as he spread the mustard quickly but carefully over the bread and reached in the thin plastic bag for the cheese. Two slices slapped in the middle in the bread would do; then close it, close the bag, put everything back in the fridge and he was home- or rather room free. Just as he was opening the fridge he heard the whooshing of someone sinking in nearby, causing him to panic and slam the door shut accidentally. Cursing he turned just as Patton walked into the room, making him groan internally as one of the last sides he wished to see at the moment blinked at him in surprise before grinning wide and giving a small wave.

“Hey kiddo, I was wondering when I’d see you! It’s been a couple of days, I was starting to worry.”

Pressing his lips together, Janus took the time to properly close the drawer before he thought better of it and turned back around. “Sandwich Patton?”

“Oh sure! Thank you.” Patton settled down at the table with his hands tucked underneath his thighs looking like he wanted to talk but not really knowing how to start. Ignoring this Janus took the ingredients out again with the addition of ham since he knew the other liked it, bringing down another plate as the silence stretched between them.

“I’m not a kiddo Patton, I’m older than you.” As harsh as he meant it to sound there was no bite in his words as he finished the second sandwich, putting all the ingredients back into the fridge.

Patton chuckled. “I know. Just habit I guess. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

From his expression Janus could tell he actually hadn’t but he was still weary. There was a reason he kept his stress relief to himself- even Virgil was never meant to know about it. Yet here he was, two other people knowing without him saying anything and so far he really had no clue where he stood with either of them about it- and he certainly wasn’t about to suggest they all sit down to talk about it, hypocrite as it was. He could push Thomas to talk until he was hoarse, make sure the other sides knew the importance of communication until he was blue in the face, but when it came to himself and especially when it came to something like this he was the last one to want to open up about anything. It was the simple fact that the outcome of someone knowing was unknown and saying his name had been bad enough. Certain things were with keeping close to one’s chest- and something that made him- the embodiment of self preservation itself- feel vulnerable and small both literally and metaphorically was definitely something worth keeping to himself

Taking a deep breath he decided to cut the awkward air preemptively and bring it up himself, since he was sure that was why Patton was trying and failing to remain still as he ate his lunch.

“I wanted to thank you for not...for not saying anything to anyone else. Logan knowing was unexpected but I appreciate you- both of you- keeping my private affairs...private.”

Patton scrunched his face. “You’re talking about it like it’s a bad thing.”

“I am fully aware that it isn’t and I’m not saying that how either of you reacted to it would have influenced me in any way. I was just-” Janus swallowed his last bite thoughtfully as he considered how honest he wanted to be with the fatherly side. “...nervous, I suppose. For me, this kind of thing is akin to saying my true name and well, we both know how that turned out.”

Wincing, Patton nodded as he finished his own sandwich, getting up and taking Janus’ plate to the sink. “I know you told us your name as a last ditch effort for us to listen, and I know it was by complete accident that I saw you small at all, so for what it’s worth I’m sorry you’re being forced to put trust somewhere it isn’t really owed.”

Janus opened his mouth to disagree with Patton, to say that it was fine and that he had wanted to tell them his name, that it had been his choice. He wanted to say that Patton seeing him as a four year old crying because he didn’t want to eat carrots was okay actually, that he didn’t mind and it wasn't a big deal but for once he hesitated before lying. This wasn’t something to lie about- to brush aside as if it didn’t matter because it did. Two of his most closely guarded secrets were out because of circumstances he could only partly control and it hurt more than he would ever care to say. It wasn’t okay, it really truly wasn’t, and to have Patton acknowledge that was making him feel things he didn’t have the energy to process just yet. He knew he should have just asked Virgil to bring him something., but then he would’ve asked why and Janus would have had to tell him that Logan knew now and that he was up way past the time he should have been just to play with his dolls.

Shuddering at the thought his head snapped up as Patton turned around, offering a small hesitant smile as he leaned against the counter. “You have no reason to, but you can trust me. I might be loud and obnoxious at times, but I know my morals- at least more universal ones. Your secret will always be safe with me for as long as you want it to be.”

“Thank you Patton, truly.”

Janus hesitated. A hug would be nice but he didn’t want Patton giving him one out of pity or obligation; the other was notorious for putting others first at his own expense and for Thomas’ sake he didn’t want to enforce the behavior. Plus, even though he knew it was silly and untrue, he couldn’t let go of the notion that adults didn’t need hugs. Everybody needed physical reassurance at some point but it was just- weird to ask for it he supposed.

“I don’t- as much as I would love one I don’t think that’s necessary Patton thank you.”

“My offer still stands.” Patton squinted at him. “Big or little, everybody deserves hugs.”

“A little what?”

Both of them stiffened and turned to see Roman in the doorway looking between the two of them with suspicion. Janus' heart hammered in his chest even as he calmly folded his hands in front of him. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard? Could he get away with a lie or would Patton open his mouth? Full offense to him but Janus figured he would forgive him for not fully trusting him to actually keep his mouth shut while under stress. Deciding to speak first in case the other did crack under pressure he lifted his chin and smirked.

“My tone had come across wrong and he simply told me to lighten up a little.” Raising his eyebrows at the Prince he decided to jab just a little- he had nearly given him a heart attack after all. “Very astute advice for all of us.”

Roman scowled at him and moved towards the fridge as Janus shot Patton a pointed look that made the other quickly snap his mouth shut, thankfully foregoing whatever it was that he felt he needed to add. Now was not the time and Janus was not in the mood for a half-hearted scolding to be nicer; he doubted Roman would appreciate it either. The kitchen was quiet as Roman grabbed out a plate of leftover pizza and let the fridge slam shut after him as he sunk out, making Janus roll his eyes at his antics. He had honestly thought Virgil was the most dramatic when it came to pouting over fights that had long since ended, and even if it was both parties that were in the wrong it didn’t make the others temper tantrums any less infuriating.

“You shouldn’t antagonize him.” Paton’s voice was a bit small, his shoulders drooped in a way that almost made Janus feel guilty before he brushed it aside. Everything would sort itself out eventually it would just take time. Even so-

“I know, but by god if he doesn’t make it hard not to.”

Snorting, Patton only shook his head. “I’m serious though. If you need comfort, regressed or not, you can come to me or Logan and I’m sure you know Virgil would be there for you if you needed it.”

Janus looked away quickly at that, biting his lip before he could say anything. In lieu of answering he simply opened his arms and hoped it would get him out of whatever conversation Patton was hinting at having. Huffing out a breath as he was embraced and squeezed he wrapped his arms around the other and sank gratefully into the warmth. Sitting in the embrace he allowed himself to think that maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as he thought they would be- barring Roman- the “light” side of the mindscape was a pleasant place to be. He could see why Virgil had moved over.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Janus gripped Patton’s shoulders a little bit tighter. “Thank you.”

“No problem kiddo.”

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