#like if youre going to have a self perpetuating cycle at least acknowledge it more than one or two times

[everymeloneveryday]

I fucked up and let q run out ill refill it soon I prommy

[elfhunk]

it's so funny that this stupid tumblr blog is paying a key role in the re-socialization of my fucked up brain.

below the cut because it's a sentimentally hopeful bummer but still indeed a bummer about some mental health brain stuff.

like. most of you do not actually... know me? i am making no effort to separate this blog from my actual identity.

but you do not have the context of me working my ass off for four years in art school, hitting an art block so severe that it sent me into a tail dive so severe i did not draw for several years, to my life being blown up and pieced back together at least three times now. it was a perpetual cycle of adrenaline fueled sprinting and cataclysmic disaster that i intentionally hid from everyone until it was too late.

like. i literally don't know how to draw anymore. not consistently, anyway. people joke about not using their degrees but i have taken it to an unexpected extreme. my friends have honestly (very nicely) begun teasing me whenever i say that i am bad at drawing because of how patently untrue it is.

anyway, if any of you have been wondering why i'm so delightful?

it's because something is deeply wrong with me, in a way that i am only starting to understand recently.

i now know that i am (probably, adult diagnosis is complicated!) autistic, i know that i have ADHD, and i know that i have experienced certifiably CPTSD level trauma. my therapist even confirmed for me that these things in combination do in fact result in me meeting diagnostic criteria for BPD, which is fun. did you know that entire diagnosis is under contention? it's a whole thing!

anyway, i learned that there was something deeply fundamentally destructive about the ways i was using tools like twitter or tumblr.

when i was using social media ages... what, 13-25? i was effectively a roiling ball of overstimulated receptors seeking to be everything to everyone in the desperate attempt to have my existence acknowledged. i saw that art that i made for myself didn't get me attention, so i stopped making it. i became a terrifyingly self-critical ball of nastiness that saw no point in doing anything unless it was perfect.

i saw no point in existing unless i was perfect. when i stopped making art, it began to bleed into the rest of my existence. my job performance had to be perfect. my etiquette and attitude had to be perfect. my body had to be perfect. my skin had to be perfect. my hair had to be perfect. if a flaw was identified, it was buried immediately.

this whole "delightful prince charming" shtick i've ended up adopting just sort of gradually became the safest way i knew how to navigate the world. it was a character i got extremely good at playing. it was turning into a perfectly lovely way of living life exclusively in service to other people. everyone thought it was so admirable and good of me. but then the gnawing evidence of my flaws continued to build up again. and everything blew up again.

because, dear reader? this is a terrible character to try and occupy in all waking hours of your life. the mask is going to fall eventually.

so, that brings us to this tumblr. this silly little place.

i am 28 now, and things are very different. i still have a lot of problems to figure out. i still have emotional flashbacks of varying intensity to an age where i am not even verbal and do not have words to articulate what i want or need. it's wild. i didn't even know that could happen. don't get traumatized as a baby, y'all.

but i do know what man i am trying to be. i do know that people really like that man. he's cool and interesting and sexy as fuck. i need to afford him more space to be imperfect, because i am the only one expecting perfection from him.

so that's why i am kind of digging this blog. i still get to play that character. i still get to enjoy existing in this weird way that i've carved out for myself. but i don't need to obsess over it being perfect all the time. i don't have to care what you think of me. i don't know you.

you're a goddamn stranger passing in the train station.

and i am a silly little horse doing a dance. because damn this silly little horse loves to dance. and he's doing it for himself.

[caparrucia]

Hi, if you feel like it, in SiO or any verse, can you write about Anemone Amititia being her terrifying self? Thanks again for giving us such amazing stories!

Lady Amicitia is, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman in Insomnia.

Even while the late Queen was alive, and people had to twist around the obvious to avoid impropriety, it was well known that her smile could illuminate a room. Her laughter is bright and musical, much more often heard than her equally lovely voice, for she is often seen but rarely heard. Not that anyone complains, because seeing her is falling in love with her, at least a little. The idea of her, if nothing else.

She’s beautiful and glittering, like a diamond, and vacant, just like one. Transparent. There’s nothing to her, this is well known. She’s quiet because she’s been taught to be prudent, but also because she doesn’t have anything to say. Any and all attempts to pry an opinion out of her have failed spectacularly, as she defers in everything to her Lord husband, who stares sternly and refuses to acknowledge anything he deems beneath him. Most people are. So are their concerns.

So there’s Lady Amicitia, perfect paragon of empty smiles, impeccable fashion and unthreatening charisma.

It’s a game, of course, to be where the Lady holds court: the Queen is dead and when she wasn’t, she might as well be, it has been the duty of the Shield’s wife to tend to the court since she married into the post. She listens avidly and offers good will and compassion and endless softness to all who approach. It’s a game, how many layers of treason they can parade in her face and the vapid, stupid smiles never falter, never wane. Lady Amicitia exists to hang off her husband’s arm, to birth him children and replenish his house, but little else.

The senior Ladies know, of course, the only reason the court hasn’t gone to pieces under such incompetent leadership is their own hard work keeping their peers in line. They congratulate each other for a job well done, and in the fit of pettiness, perhaps, once in a while, throw a riddle at the dazzling flower of the court, just to see her fail to understand the insults woven in it.

It’s for the best, of course, to keep the structure of power clean and neat and simple.

Her predecessor, after all, had been overbearing and imposing and an unwelcome fulcrum in an already delicate situation, considering the previous King and all his… eccentricities.

It occurs to exactly none of them, that she’s been groomed for her title as much as her predecessor, the perpetual cycling of the old houses offering either future Queens or future Mothers of Shields, one of the most powerful sustaining forces in the Kingdom. She’s beautiful and she’s vapid and it is all so very comforting, that no one ever bothers to contemplate the alternative.

“Well, this is awkward,” Cor said, breaking through into the safe room where the head of the largest criminal organization in Insomnia was supposed to be.

“Is it?” Anemone replied, sitting on the edge of her desk, long legs crossed at the knee, rather than the ankle, just because she could. “I did warn you.”

Cor opened his mouth to retort she bloody well had not, and then remembered the night before, getting a girlish comment from the Shield’s wife about not chasing his own shadow.

It showed on his face, even as he swallowed back the profanity sitting at the tip of his tongue, because she laughed at him, loud and terrible, feet kicking in delight.

“Now what?” Cor asked, in the stoic tones of one used to being the butt of the joke, surly and sulking, and well aware she thought the whole thing was adorable, anyway.

“Well, now we choose whose pesky court dipshit’s incriminating evidence you’re going to find here, in lieu of a person.” Anemone smiled brightly. “Do you have a preference?”

“I don’t care about the court,” Cor said sincerely, lips pursed into an annoyed, flat line.

“As the person required to care in your steed, dear, I know,” Anemone replied, shaking her head.

“The one you like least, then,” Cor tried instead, as he watched her slide off the desk with grace, clearly entertained by the proceedings.

He’d never seen her fight, of course. It was not proper for Lady Amicitia to do such a thing. Much the same way it was inconceivable for the Queen to spar with him when she was bored. The way she moved, though, controlled and confident and very much downplaying both, it itched at him. He doubted anyone but Clarus would know, for sure. After all, everyone knew Lord Amicitia was deeply, profoundly besotted by his wife, but only the truly keen were aware it was very much mutual.

“You give me the nicest gifts, darling,” Anemone said, and brought him a thick file before she sauntered away without looking back.

As Cor went about scattering the planted evidence himself, making sure it looked convincing, he wondered if anyone at court remembered Lady Amicitia’s name.

Or what it meant.

[super-hero-confessions]

I've seen all kinds of apologism and denial in fandoms for all different kinds of terrible things.

But I think the ones that hit me the hardest are the fascism and genocide apologism.

The reason I ended up liking the super hero genre is because it's about people rising up to the occasion to protect those who cannot protect themselves.

I'm disabled and I've always been a weak link in my family. But instead of getting bitter about it and hating because of it, I told myself I didn't want that for other people. That if I did that, I'd just be perpetuating the cycle further and not working to solve anything.

I don't fight to hurt them to supplement my pain, I fight to change minds and guess what. People's minds change. It's not always easy, but they do.

Being a hero means doing the right thing and treating everyone fair and justly. And I don't have a problem with people liking villains either, I like villains.

But I guess I'm just bewildered and jaded at this point by so many of the awful things people say to justify a character's actions instead of just liking the character. Or even how obtuse some people will be to claim others are justifying a character's actions when they actively don't.

I like Homelander but he has rape apologist stans.

I like Loki but he has genocide apologist stans and that also applies to Billy Butcher.

I like Magneto but he has fascism apologist stans, sometimes genocide too if not just general mass murder apologists.

I like Valkyrie, and hell, admittedly I've seen more claims of slavery apologism than actual slavery apologism, but even I have enough good sense to know there are going to be actual slavery apologists who stan her.

The genocide apologism fucking hurts more than anything though. It shows how much people have become desensitized to violence and what the loss of a life really means. And it perfectly explains why people are so quick to jump to suicide baiting someone which is never okay.

Your life is the most precious thing you have. And that goes for everyone, not just you. Life is precious and should be considered such before any of the fictional nonsense. We should be cherishing good fiction and creativity instead of trying to use it to hurt people or justify such awful things or as some kind of virtue catapult to see who has the next big revolutionary take.

Worse when they justify violence against certain groups while trying to make a bigger deal of it for different ones. No. No violence is okay, it doesn't matter who it's against. Self defense is not violence, and violence is not self defense so stop conflating the two. Creating double standards does not help and never will.

I'm tired of this and wish it would stop. Criticism should be acknowledged and considered with nuance, if not researched at the very least. Not everything is a personal attack just because someone disagrees with you or points something out you may have not noticed. You are not the only person in the world nor are you the smartest with end all be all opinions. The disingenuity is insidious in fandom and getting old or never was young to begin with, but it all needs to stop.

It's not just some pixels behind the screen, there's a real living breathing person on the other end with thoughts and feelings just like you, and their life is just as precious as yours and should be treated as such.

Please just be human.

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[andtheyweresiblings]

For your "Madrigal's reaction to Brumira" or whatever it was called, I'm surprised none of the family, to some extent, blamed themselves for such a thing happening. I could totally see at least a few of them wondering if things would be different if they hadn't treated both Bruno and Mirabelle the way they did in the past.

I also feel like there might have been more pushback against the more dire, severe consequences from the Madrigals who likely knew or at least guessed at what was happening, depending on how powerful their specific gifts are, even if they don't actually support Bruno and Mirabelle, and are just neutral.

I apologize for the delayed answer. I had to read through that post again. Link to the post for context.

You raise some good points. The post itself is squarely in the headcanon/fanfiction space of character analysis, so it's wildly speculative and comes down to preference in how one might like to see everything play out. That being said, if the Madrigal family found out Bruno and Mirabel were romantically involved, it would be a very complicated fall-out. More complicated than I would have time to get into in any one post.

If you wanted to be hyper-realistic about it, I think you could write a full-length novel several times over to really explore what is going on in each family member's mind. So yes, I agree, there's definitely a lot more that would happen if Brumira happened and the Madrigals found out.

So let's explore the two points you raise a little more in-depth.

Self-Blaming

To an extent, the Madrigal adults would be blaming themselves. But it's more complicated than that, and putting the blame onto oneself is uncomfortable. And it is something we don't see the Madrigal adults do well in the film.

Sure, we get the Disney ending of Alma acknowledging her part in the collective traumatizing of her family, and we've got the Madrigals acknowledging that they are family unit, so they each played into that cycle/system. But the reality of generational trauma is so much more complicated than that, and recovering from complex trauma is not typically linear. So if we're going to be realistic about this, we can't expect these freshly recovering family members to sit in self-blame for too long, especially if self-blame wasn't part of their original role.

Alma never blamed herself until after the climax of the movie. Julieta felt some responsibility over the trajectory of Mirabel's role in the family, but it doesn't seem like she or Pepa felt too at fault with Bruno's estrangement. Augustin admittedly is a little harder for me to read (because I haven't watched the movie in a bit), but from what I remember, he was upholding the status quo that Alma set and encouraged Mirabel to do the same.

That is to say, none of the the adults who probably do share some of the blame for setting up the 'ideal' conditions for Brumira to occur are used to accepting blame.

That denial Pepa and Julieta are experiencing? That shame Alma is flooded with? That anger and sense of betrayal Augustin is feeling? That's all their way to process the bomb that is Brumira. It's also a really good way to avoid that nagging thought about what role they might have had in all of this. So yes, they probably do blame themselves deep down, but it is not something I imagine would be at the forefront for any of them. Not primarily, at least.

I suppose if anyone is going to be blaming themselves about Mirabel and Bruno, it would probably be the wrong people. Like Luisa and Isabela.

(Well, Isabela may have more actively estranged Mirabel, but considering the context of the film, it's harder to put real blame on the Madrigal grandchildren, in my opinion. I guess if we're rating things, Isabela is next in line for perpetuating the family cycles as oldest grandchild, but I think I'm losing sight of your original point.)

Anyway, I could absolutely see Luisa incorrectly blaming herself. Self-blame was part of her role.

I guess my point is that the strain of discovering Mirabel and Bruno are a couple would likely catapult many of the Madrigals back to their pre-movie roles.

Madrigals' Push-back in Defense of Brumira

I embarrassingly completely misunderstood your second point and didn't realize it until after I had already typed out a response for it. I'll probably post that separately because it was fun, but I'll get to what you actually asked now.

So yes, I agree with you. In my head the Madrigals who are neutral to Mirabruno would find their ways to push back against Alma's sentences for Mirabel and Bruno.

The Madrigals who would be helping our couple in this AU are Luisa, Isabela, and Dolores. Isabela and Luisa's help would be somewhat delayed because they are close to Alma and their parents, and therefore, they would be trusted to be a part of enacting the sentence. Ultimately, Isabela and Luisa are conflicted about the whole thing, but I think eventually they would come around to Mirabel's side. Especially when they see the toll everything is taking on their sister.

But, they would have to lay low and strategize first for this to work, and then they would have to work to build back Mirabel's trust.

I think Dolores and Mariano would be working as messengers for Mirabel and Bruno. Dolores would definitely know where Bruno is, and she would probably send Isabela, Mariano, and Luisa to check on him when they can manage it. In this way, Isabela and Luisa will probably be the ones eventually passing the messages to Mirabel and Bruno. But, again, it just might take some time for everyone to get to that point.

To add further complication, I think most of the Madrigals helping Bruno and Mirabel would still want to figure out how to resolve this to a point where Bruno and Mirabel be rejoin the family as a couple. It might not be realistic, but it would definitely affect what type of help they think they can offer to Mirabel and Bruno, which is why I think Luisa in particular would struggle with letting Mirabel run away.

Mirabel running away to Bruno would effectively mean the family is broken for real. I think Isabela, Luisa, and Dolores would all want to prevent that. They would want a way for all of their family members to still be a part of their lives, impossible as that may be.

Thank you for the ask! It was fun thinking about and exploring this AU again. I should do it more often.

[sillyguyhotline]

yttd and themes of parental failure; how the adults in our life disappoint us

alternate title: how everyone in your turn to die has mommy issues, daddy issues, or both

I’m not the first person to talk about this, nor will I be the last, but there are a lot of themes sprinkled throughout YTTD’s story and one of the themes that isn’t talked about much is the theme of how parents (or more broadly, adults) tend to fail us. Throughout the game, we see children and adults being placed in the same deadly situation, and are disappointed time and time again as the adults prioritize their lives over those of their children... often perpetuating the cycles of abuse that they themselves have suffered. I don’t think this theme encompasses the whole story by any means, but I do think that, in some parts, YTTD attempts to tell a story of irresponsible adult figures, failing as parents, and the ways cycles of abuse are perpetuated.

I think it’s best to start with Sara, the main character and the most visible victim of the adults’ failings in the death game. Despite being a teenager, she’s elevated to a position of leadership partially by circumstance and partially by the machinations of others. I think it’s pretty clear that her being a leader is more crucial to the story than it initially seems to be, but for now it’s evident that she, as a child, has been deemed stronger than the many adults beside her in the game and has thus been made a leader. It’s acknowledged that she is the person who makes the majority of the crucial decisions, she is the person the others look to in times of turmoil, and she’s tasked with shouldering many of the heavy burdens of the group’s failures. This certainly doesn’t come without consequences; much of Sara’s grief comes not just from Joe’s death, but from regret over the countless people she’s failed to protect and the obligation she feels to prioritize their lives over her own. While many of the adult characters (Q-taro, Keiji, Shin, Alice) have the opportunity to sit back and make more selfish decisions for their own survival, Sara never has that liberty because she’s been thrust into a role where the group’s wellbeing is worth more than hers and every group failure is felt by her more than anyone else. This is most evident in the aftermath of the Kanna/Shin decision, specifically in the Kanna Dies route; Sara is the one who is tortured and meant to feel the most pain for Kanna’s death because she, as the leader, felt obligated to take the decision into her own hands... and nobody stopped her. From Russian Roulette (where Kai, the least underhanded out of all of Sara’s adult protectors, tried to stop her from becoming a leader) to Chapter 2′s Main Game, the effects of Sara’s leadership are heavy. She’s still a child who’s been given power, and the other adults in the game choose to either profit from or resent this power instead of challenging the fact that a child has been entrusted with it.

This is where Kanna comes in, another child who’s been failed by the adults in the game. When she entered, she’d lost her most important mentor figure (her sister) and as a result was left incredibly vulnerable. At first, a few of the characters tried to help her (Nao and Reko), but ultimately she was left vulnerable for too long and Shin used that vulnerability to coerce her into going along with his plans, putting her life in jeopardy by claiming she had the Sage. It’s likely that Shin reminded her of Kugie, which motivated her to stick by his side, but there’s no doubt that his manipulation influenced her to continue supporting him throughout chapter 2. Kanna is another character who felt obligated to provide protection and support for adults who didn’t provide all that much of it, which is made evident as she continues to insist he’s a good person throughout ch2 and, of course, demands that everyone vote for her to die in the main game because she thinks Shin is not only good but much more useful than she is. She, like Sara, continues to prioritize the well-being of the group over her own as a result of the position she was forced into and of the failure of the adults around her to do anything about it.

This aspect of Kanna’s character ties into another point I want to make, about cycles of abuse and protection. I believe that Shin is one of the biggest in-game examples of how abuse victims can be pushed to perpetuate those cycles upon the people they’re supposed to love and care for. Shin definitely cared for Kanna; he wrote the message in the phone to boost her spirits and fought for her to survive even knowing that if she got the Sacrifice she wouldn’t pick him to escape with. However, a lot of his dynamic with her comes as a result of the abuse he suffered under Sou Hiyori, and this abuse is part of why Kanna perceives herself to be worthless. He takes out his own anger at himself and his weakness by constantly belittling Kanna, calling her weak and useless to the group (eventually doing this because he thinks it will help her escape), and the constant reinforcement of this mindset is what leads to her self loathing and, in some cases, eventual self sacrifice. Not only does Shin fail to protect Kanna from death as a parental figure, he fails to prevent his own patterns of abuse from affecting her. This is a classic example of how abuse can become generational.

I want to cycle back to the topic of Sara, now, and bring Keiji into the mix, because I believe that Keiji is one of the biggest and also most fascinating examples of the failures of adults- primarily because he is simultaneously the child being failed and the adult who is failing. Keiji started out as an idealistic child with high hopes for his own future and strong beliefs in the police force, but he ended up killing his mentor and destroying his own faith in the goodness of the police. I also find it intriguing that the person he kills is one of the most solid parental figures in the game; Mr. Policeman cares for his child a lot and shows great care for children who aren’t even biologically related to him (such as Keiji). He likely left the police force for the sake of his child as well as to escape corruption. When Keiji kills him, he is not only killing the idealistic dream that his child self once harbored, but he is killing the biggest human embodiment of that dream in his life. Fittingly, then, Keiji goes on to turn into the opposite of what his younger self would have wanted to be. He wanted to be a protector, but in the Death Game we see him flirting with the child he’s protecting, consistently lying to and deceiving her for his own gain, pushing her into being a leader because it benefits him, and going behind her back to help himself survive (such as performing the card trade with Q-taro when it’s clear that Sara had the Sacrifice and likely would have died because of it). At the surface, Keiji is a betrayal of the mentor Sara needed in her life, but when you look beyond that, he’s a betrayal of the adult figure who guided him and the adult figure his child self wanted to be. 

There’s also Q-taro, one of the more blatant examples of an adult who valued his own survival over those of the children in the game. His selfishness, however, wasn’t concealed with concern for the children, like Shin’s and Keiji’s were. He indirectly participated in thrusting Sara into a leadership position, and time and time again attempted to get the children (specifically Gin) killed because he thought it would benefit either him or the group. His selfishness is not as much of a betrayal as it is a sad reinforcement of the idea that adults in this game can’t be trusted to protect the children. Even as he campaigns for Gin and Kanna’s deaths, even as he waits until the last minute to press the button, he still looks to Sara for guidance and trusts her as a leader. To make things even worse, the child whom he’s targeting has already been disillusioned to how pathetic adults can be; Gin’s father abuses alcohol, and as Gin establishes from the beginning, he’s already lost his trust in the reliability of adults. And, in a sad way, Gin ends up being proven right; his first father figure in the game dies immediately, and his second either dies or is quickly revealed to have been tasked with killing him. Unreliable adults in awful circumstances. 

Then you have Gashu, one of the only actual parents in this game, whose failures are felt in not one, but two children. As I stated before, while talking about Sara, Kai was one of the only people who made a move to stop Sara from being established as the group’s leader in Russian Roulette. While I believe that this is mostly because he knew of the Hades Incident and wanted to stop it from being replicated, I also have to wonder if it was because he knew what it was like, as a child, to be forced into a terrible position (as Gashu had high expectations of him as an assassin) and didn’t want the child he’d grown affectionate towards to be forced to undergo the same thing. Whatever his motives were, Kai was an example of the pain neglectful parents can bring, and he provides a stark contrast to Ranger, who wasn’t yet aware of Gashu’s cruelty when we met him. We watched in real time as Ranger realized that he wasn’t actually all that loved or valued; he was just created to serve a purpose, and when he stepped out of line he quickly lost his value. Just like how Kai served the purpose of being an assassin, and, potentially, how Sara serves the purpose of being the leader. Gashu isn’t just a neglectful parent, he’s outright malicious. 

I’d like to speculate, then, about how the story is going to take the path of neglectful adults as it goes forward. I already think that we can see where it’s going to go with Sara, as 3-1a has clearly showcased the effects of her guilt and, depending on which route you take, has either established that she’s grown comfortable with her position as leader or is crumbling under the pressure of her grief. However, going back to the theme of parents... it must be noted that almost none of the characters have been confirmed to have 2 biological parents. They either come from an orphanage or are missing a parent... and the parent they’re missing is typically the father. I have to wonder if this consistent theme of failed parenting is going to tie into Gashu’s reminder to “question your upbringing,” and if the shitty adults are going to make a more literal appearance. 

[fairycosmos]

i understand that kinda rage so much it's not an exaggeration to say i could kill. i think it must be bc of the grief? yesterday my cat meowed at me and i felt like i could kill him for no fucking reason and i hurt myself instead. and when i see my mom i feel like i want to kill her too like everything is her fault is so scary to feel like this but it is justified. we lost everything. if that doesn't kil us this rage will it feels so poisonous

:(( i’m sorry love. i totally understand. the rage comes and goes for me but when it’s there, it’s so strong it’s almost blinding. i hold it all in my chest and stomach. and i snap at everyone. there’s just so many reasons to be angry. like you said, the loss. thinking about everything that never will be and how much things have irreparably changed. having to live with it all forever. then there’s projecting that onto the rest of the world - i’m pissed off that bad people live long lives, i’m pissed off that life is continuing forwards, i’m pissed off when i get asked about her and i can see the judgement that is always there. and obviously, i spend so much time ruminating on the situation itself. idk what it was like for you, but i can completely relate to how you feel towards your mam. i was screaming for weeks that things weren’t right and that she needed help. and on that actual night, her stupid fucking boyfriend did nothing, and i did everything. her death has highlighted in my mind, why i’m so fucking mad at my parents and my family and i have been my whole life. and i don’t blame them for what happened. but it just feels like this was so preventable and now she’s gone forever. it sounds so casual to type that, but it is the worst pain i have ever felt. sometimes i feel like if we had all just collectively, even right back from childhood, showed her more support and been a proper family things maybe have turned out differently. also, exactly. the anger feels so justified and it frightens me as well. because sometimes i think i’ll spend forever being a total asshole and thinking who cares who cares nobody cared about my sister and nobody cares about me so why the fuck should i. literally venomous. but anyway - point still stands that we are allowed to be angry. and we don’t have to carry shame about it. it’s there whether or not we want it to be. it may take us a lifetime to learn how to process and deal with it in a healthy way but as long as the effort and intent is there, it’s okay. it’s all we can do. i know it often feels like there’s no rationality in those moments of blind rage, but i think we’ll naturally learn how to ground ourselves to some extent eventually, the more time passes. because there’s no alternative. i know self harm is very complex and difficult to let go of, and i have no illusions about it. i won’t act like anything i as a stranger could say will make a dent in it. so i just want to reinforce the sentiment, that no matter what your mind is telling you, you do not deserve to be hurt. you are a good person that has been through something very bad. there absolutely is help and support available, even just in the form of calling a hotline or looking into self care methods/practices to begin with, that will enable you to find other coping mechanisms that won’t perpetuate a toxic cycle. no, it doesn’t solve anything and the hurt will still be there. it always will be. but it’s about minimizing the damage and allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel. acknowledging it and letting it go, then acknowledging it again when it comes back, and letting it go again. at least that’s how it seems to me. again i am really sorry we’re both in the same situation at the minute. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. i’m still convinced i’m in a nightmare to be honest. sending a lot of love to you x

[juuls]

Pharmacist/Me = 1 🏆 Doctor/Nursing Staff = 0

Thank you in advance for reading this rant. I’ve been really frustrated and just needed to get this off my chest, and today at least I had a wonderful knight in a white lab coat. 🩺❤️‍🩹🥽🥼💪🏻

Content warnings and squicky squicks: (further down there is) an image of a medical vial with a clipped image of a more benign part of a syringe, health conditions (endometriosis, fibromyalgia), menstrual cycles and associated terms such as bleeding and other things, lack of empathy in my specific healthcare system, hysterectomies, pain, swearing and losing patience. Most important warning: self-administered syringes and injection discussions of legal medications (Depo-Provera) approved of by professionals and properly researched. P.S. this may sound rather Karen-like but I would never do this to someone’s face. Online ranting and acknowledging where I could do better is not the same as screaming in public for bossy requests or comps, etc. Ew.

Another ‘warning’… pharmacists being kick-ass allies and giving a damn about their patients.

I’m really annoyed because (and I know healthcare and scheduling is a clusterfuck right now, but…) for over a month now I’ve been trying to get an appointment in person to get this injectable medication that is, yes, birth control, but is also used for endometriosis in my case. And I have severe endometriosis (exacerbated severely by fibromyalgia, siiiiigh) to the point I bleed enough and lose so much I have to go to the hospital when my care is not properly preventative… like in this case, and the pain is unbelievably severe also to the point I’ve spent time in the hospital, including my 11th Christmas Eve and Day. I started this injectable medication at 13 because it was the only thing that came close to helping reduce my endometrial tissue. Even a hysterectomy wouldn’t help as much, unless they decided to go the super invasive route and remove all the organs (or parts of them) that had become ‘infected’ by the tissue. Again, tissue where it’s not supposed to be, and it causes extreme pain as the tissue tries to flush out of my body each period, even if it’s attached to, like, my pancreas. Just no. That does not work at all. No. That is not fun.

SO. I’m 31, nearing 32, and the doctor’s office knows this. I’ve had the same doctor since I was 10. Been on this medication nearly non-stop for just shy of two decades (with appropriate precautions such as bone density tests) because of the absolute severity of the pain and my inability to function when it hits… which can be months at a time of non-stop bleeding and morning sickness-level nausea and vomiting, migraines and the occasional complete inability to move—in other words, it’s debilitating.

My doctor (even the nurses, as it’s in large print at the top of my file in the system) knows all about this. They’re supposed to call me if I’m overdue by a certain margin (I get they’re busy but months and months???). But my doc’s also a bit of an airhead (albeit a smart one when he focuses) and takes forever to reply to anything on time, even when it’s a severe issue, but not severe enough to go to the hospital. But it’s gotten to the point where the nurses say to go to the ER and then the ER nurses and doctors there get SUPER pissed off (AT ME AND SOMEHOW NOT AT MY DOCTOR/NURSES AND THEIR ORDERS) at the ‘waste of time’, and it’s just a clusterfuck.

Oh yeah, and that ER visit while I was overdue for my injection? Internal intestinal bleeding along with a lovely, even if small, perforation in my fucking uterus from the growth of endometrial tissue. I MEAN COME ON — WHAT IN THE HELL. Totally preventable if they fit me in when I called literally over a month ago.

But I will not change my doctor (the other docs at the practice know what is going on and have offered to take me on, but they don’t have the experience with myself and my conditions or the history, but they can do little else because of professional conduct—it’s between myself and my doc) because he is the only one who treats me with humanity and understands fibromyalgia, endometriosis, pre-MS and pre-RhA/PsA, endo-related IBS, (ulcerative) colitis, and other neurological conditions with any degree of empathy. (See, I told you I’m a mess!) There is no way I’m switching offices in the perpetual shortage of doctors in Canada moving elsewhere for m o n e y (plus Covid-19 being a teen hooligan and constantly coming back to wreck more goddamn shit, including everyone’s sanity, then setting things on fire like the real hooligans in my village have been doing this summer — I mean… what in the hell!?!?), so with all that in mind I actually thank my lucky stars. So I put up with a lot of this shit because he treats me, besides him being an airhead, like an actual human being deserving of compassion and care and quality of life despite my severe disabilities and pain. So.

I’m usually treated really well (even if they often think I’m a nuisance for daring to be severely chronically ill/in pain all the time) so I try to be patient and good and understanding when I can.

But his STAFF (I know they’re busy and I’ve been patient but they’ve been so awful honestly to the point I cried hard enough my dad noticed my red eyes and frustration-tear fracks on my face)! And the doc himself’s inability to reply to notes on time even when urgent and when he knows the circumstances (I admit I am a bit of a hard patient so I can understand if he just kinda ignores me sometimes, honestly). But in this case I was THREE DAMN MONTHS LATE for my injection and they’ve always called in the past when I was coming due if it looked like I hadn’t scheduled an injection, so that I was all on time and squared away and didn’t risk severe pain and damage to my already-fucked hormonal system (learning I couldn’t have kids was absolutely heartbreaking, let me tell you, but even a hysterectomy in that case would solve nothing — this is by far the easiest option, especially considering how my fibromyalgia would fuck with my post-surgery recovery and leave me with lasting pain for years if not decades; sigh).

Anyway. So. After some ridiculous levels of back and forth and some truly remarkable levels of lack of compassion (she kept giving me the exact same, word for word response in a bored tone UGH) considering the severe pain I was in (I was told, in front of OTHER PATIENTS AND STAFF, that I could just wait until I talk to the doctor myself at my next phone appointment and then schedule my injection for my next MONTHLY followup — 4.5 months overdue at that point, it would’ve been — because, and I quote, ‘am used to dealing with pain because of my fibromyalgia and years of dealing with it and other conditions’ which they named in front of others!!!!!!!! what. the. fuck. But I kept my cool because I know all these people, my mom taught their kids music, they’re a fixture of the community, etc. and I refuse to be a Karen…. At least externally.

But here comes the nice part that makes me love our new (okay, he’s been here like 5 years but still, in a small town that’s pretty new lmao) pharmacist that much more. Rasik was aware of my frustration with the doctor and nurses and was even the one who brought to my attention that, at the time, I was 2 months late for my injection and he was a bit concerned since he’s privy to how much pain I exist in without throwing in one or more knives directly into my womb, ovaries, tummy, hips, and other areas my endometrial tissue has taken root. He’s such a sweetheart and he really does care for his patients— the work he does with my father’s diabetes (the tricky one where you’re not obese) management is above and beyond the call of a pharmacist and I will forever be grateful for that alone, never mind how he cares for me.

So I went in today to pick up another medication, after yet another frustrating stop-over at the nurses’ desks, and he suggested I ask for my injectable medication (it’s Depo-Provera, by the way) and the syringe plus the two tips necessary — I’m actually familiar with this since I had to learn epinephrine injections from an early age (not Epipen) and how to give testosterone daily to my ex-husband (sorry not sorry, dude, but congrats on your first kid *grouchy thumbs up*). But yeah! Legally he’s not allowed to suggest I give it to myself, but he was getting super fed up with the nurses and doctors dragging their feet and ‘being assholes with little empathy’ in his own words, so I took the hint and requested my vial plus syringe, as well as the drawing and injection gauge needles…. which he gleefully filled for me, and I reiterated that it was ‘fully my idea, not yours, Rasik, because everyone knows I’m dumb and would never think it’s you if something happened’ (I’m not dumb and I’ve given injections to others many times looool).

Long story short: HERE’S TO PHARMACISTS AROUND THE WORLD, BEING AMAZING AND CARING FOR THEIR PATIENTS AND ‘BENDING BUT NOT REALLY BENDING’ THE RULES TO MAKE SURE THEIR CLIENTS ARE CARED FOR PROPERLY. They are amazing and deserve every last bit of your courtesy, especially when they pull double duty every. single. day. because of Covid and their subsequent boosters. (i.e. boosters in the form of humans who are fucking stupid if they have no medical reason not to get the vaccine… I mean JFC.)

Rasik? You are amazing and I am 100% going to find you some Indian-Canadian (or North Indian; I believe that’s where he’s from originally) treats or desserts or make some myself after slyly asking his assistant what he leans toward liking.

Be kind to one another, yeah, but… my goodness: be kind to those who can truly make a difference in your health, sanity, and even life or death.

Pharmacists, volunteers, and frontline health workers: the true heroes of these times.

Thank you so much. So very much.

💜💙🇨🇦👨🏽‍⚕️❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

P.S. … now I just gotta stab myself intramuscularly after making sure there’s no air bubbles and etc., and swap out to the proper gauge needle (different, smaller, to draw from the vial, larger to inject so that it goes in more quickly and, oddly enough, hurts less haha). I don’t think air bubbles are as much of an issue as when injecting intravenously (ummm I have a doctor uncle and grandma nurse and nurse friends, so shush 😆). But I’ve done this for others and animals so I should be good! :)

I’m a smart enough cookie even if I’ve lost a few nibble-size pieces around the edges. 😉😘 buahaha

Cheers to my pharmacist!!!! You are amazing and I can’t wait for the pain and months and months of bleeding to settle down.

Remind me again why humans are the only mammals (animals?) with monthly fluxes? UGH wtf ever. 🙃

[realbeeing]

ancestral trauma & healing

I’ve recently come to understand what it means to honor my ancestors. I had heard mystics and shamans talk about how we can either relate to our ancestors in an unhealthy way— by holding onto their pain and perpetuating it unconsciously— or in a healthy way, by doing our best to work through the dysfunctions they passed on to us, starting to identify the pain as not solely our own but part of a chain of experience from which now another decision can be made. Breaking the cycle, in other words. 

Lately I started to feel a lot about my Jewish heritage, especially because I got a DNA test where it was confirmed I am pretty much of three-quarters Ashkenazi Jewish descent. I already knew my father’s family and maternal grandmother’s family came from that tribe so it was not a huge surprise, but with the company I bought the test from, they reveal not just that you are of Ashkenazi descent but what that particular descent really means: usually being one-half to two-thirds Arab genetics with the other part Southern European genetics, often Italian. In my case, I learned I had about a third Arab and Near-East origins and another third Italian. (My levels were lower because I have one non-Jewish, Irish grandparent).

Going through my results brought to light a new realization for me about the story of my ancestors. The Jewish people had moved around a lot: from the Middle East, to the Roman Empire, to the German kingdom and then further into Eastern Europe. And then many of them left Europe entirely to come to the United States or to Israel, havens for the Jewish population. For some reason I had never really thought about what it took for my ancestors— really just my great grandparents — to come all the way to America  It was not like they just decided one day to to travel to a new continent for a vacation. Nowadays it’s hard to understand the scope of such travel before the time of cheap and abundant flights and a more globalized culture. I can’t imagine what it was like to uproot yourself from your homeland and go to a place where your familiar language wasn’t spoken, where the culture was totally different. No, they must have come here out of necessity. My family has kept scant records though so I can only speculate. 

I have read a lot about anti-semitism recently and the pogroms that occurred in Eastern Europe, where my ancestors were living. The Jews were always on the run, a persecuted people, for whatever reason that is still mysterious to me. Were we victims? Were we perpetuating this cycle ourselves from a victim complex? I wasn’t there to know. 

Jews have learned to make a home in many places. I feel that in myself in my need to travel and the desire I’ve had since being a child of running away, being a nomad, going to an unknown land. Yet what is my enjoyment was their serious task. In my youthful seeking phase I contacted a bunch of different eclectic religious paths, settling into the Hare Krishna way for a couple of years in Peru as well as going into strange rabbit holes about all sorts of new age topics such as aliens and lost civilizations. In this period, I hardly thought about Judaism at all, nor my ancestors. I was convinced the body is just a phantasm, that we are soul first and thus that my true ancestry was first cosmic and that any earthly ties were not a subject for any earnest consideration. Growing up on North American native land, spending time on Andean land, going deep into Vedic religion— I was a mix of many influences and those related to blood seemed like the least relevant. 

In my Krishna commune, we called our group “family” and I think genuinely felt that way about each other. It was not genetics that connected us but a spiritual purpose and a belief we were all headed to the same lofty quarters of heaven. I remember learning one Hebrew song after hearing tons of Vedic chants and seeing a Star of David in my mind’s eye during a sweat lodge, but other than that my ethnic-spiritual past seemed far away.  

Meanwhile it wasn’t until a couple of years after leaving that group when I began to do a lot of deeper healing than that which had been supposedly dealt with in my religion, when I thought all my burdens had been lit on fire by god. In a way it was true: I received a spiritual communion which rooted itself so deeply in my consciousness that I can never go back to who I was before that experience. But still there was quite a deep wound to address, namely a traumatic childhood based on being abused by a parent. A parent who was abused by their own parent. And so on: a chain not of spiritual transmission but of shit. They were not the ancestors how I would have liked to imagine them: old sages or native chiefs whispering wise words in my ear. I did not want to admit the reality of the situation for a long time because of my chronic conditioning to downplay serious events in my life, brushing them aside because I never thought they were important enough—  which was an idea I had been brandished with by my abuser. Also it went against the image I had of myself as this spiritually liberated person. It wasn’t necessarily that this image was a complete illusion, which is a tempting conclusion to make when we receive a humbling from life. It would be easier to dismiss the entire past— but nothing can be so black and white. My ancestors are not all good or all evil. My initial spiritual experimentation did yield some truly healing moments. That was real for the time being. I could find meaning as a “galactic” citizen. But then eventually I did have to come down to earth. Another layer of the spiral had to unfold. A death had to take place. 

At first I resisted it and I saw my life stagnate a lot. Besides the fact that I was forcibly stranded in a rural country not my own due to the worldwide pandemic, I was stuck creatively, mentally and socially. I was isolating myself both physically and in way of ideas. I slowly started to become more interested in conspiracy theories, especially since world events have gotten so crazy which has sparked a whole tidal wave of increased paranoid thinking among everyone. Forget my ancestors being persecuted-- I was being persecuted just for being alive! The essential message of love—which was the lesson of all my valuable spiritual trips— was sometimes forgotten and the adrenaline rush of fear or excitement at some impending catastrophic event became almost a hobby and stood in for giving my time and energy to more creative and nourishing endeavors. It took a location move and I think my Saturn return to really kickstart a new cycle for myself, one where I do want to look at the pain I have been carrying and see how this pain is both mine and is not. The suffering in my genetic line is both something I can transcend out of and something I am inexplicably bound to and responsible for addressing. 

In the recognition of pain comes the power needed to finally confront it head on. I thought I had already sufficiently looked into my past and done the emotional purging work— but it was a whole new step for me to acknowledge the abuse as well as to acknowledge that I had some degree of trauma from what I went through. What followed from taking this step was not only more self-love and psychological balance but also a razing of my mental inventory: I was not exactly who I thought I was. This clearing made space for new inspiration and motivation, for the courage to create beauty where I could. To make jewelry, paint, dance, run, sing. Things I had forgotten and filled instead with trivial information. That was okay then, and I am okay now too. It is not some before/after scenario: that paradigm of healing is over. Like I said, healing is a spiral which unfurls at its own pace. I am exactly where I need to be. And from this vantage point, I can better hear what my ancestors are speaking to me, and I listen— while also telling them, I’m going to do things a bit differently now. We are going to do things different. 

[belonglab]

Gaslighting: A Tool of Oppression and Exclusion

by Alisha Patel, Communications & Research Fellow at GenLead|BelongLab

February 2, 2021

“I don’t see color.” This is one of the most common phrases people will use to defend themselves against accusations of racism. It isn’t the best, but at least it’s not explicitly racist, right? In a culture where calling out institutional and systemic racism feels like an ongoing battle that’s fought tiny steps at a time, that phrase feels like an adequate place to start. However, this phrase is actually a form of racial gaslighting, and its acceptance only perpetuates stereotypes and the racism we are trying to fight.

Gaslighting in general is a form of manipulation and psychological abuse where the perpetrator convinces the victim that they are imagining or overreacting to abuse. Over time, this can solidify the perpetrator’s position of power over the victim, turning it into an ongoing cycle of abuse. The effects of gaslighting are extensive-- the victim will start to second guess themselves and their judgments. While this form of manipulation is often talked about with regard to personal relationships, it can additionally be used to to cloak bigotry like racism.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting often is used to excuse microaggressions in all forms. It can invalidate someone’s experience of perceived racism by subtly denying their feelings and emotions, excusing implicit comments meant to demean or discredit them, or even excusing explicit attacks on them. Its effects are grave; it subtly reinforces and sustains racial and social hierarchies that inevitably hurt minority groups. Not only does racial gaslighting allow stereotypes to continue, but it also degrades the victim’s sense of self and teaches them to invalidate their own instincts and judgments.

For example, imagine if someone had experienced racism in the workplace and attempted to tell a fellow coworker about the incident; instead of empathizing, the coworker reassured the victim “it couldn’t possibly be racism,” “it is all in your head,” or “you’re too sensitive.” Statements like this place the perpetrator in a position of power and control under the guise of morality, while undermining the victim’s experience as lesser-than. In turn, the victim can develop feelings of anxiety and depression as they start believing they cannot trust themselves and cannot express their emotions outwardly. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Roberta Babb, racial gaslighting also, “overtly and covertly erodes a person’s sense of self, self-worth, agency and confidence.” Thus, racial gaslighting feeds internalized oppression and Imposter Syndrome.

Racial gaslighting is so common that it is sometimes difficult to tell when it is happening, and it can even be unconscious or unintentional. Normalized phrases like “I don’t see color” seem to mean well at first glance, but in actuality serve to invalidate the struggles of a minority group while erasing the group’s lived history. It tells the listener, quite unequivocally, “I am not racist. What you are perceiving as racism on my part cannot possibly be racism.” Phrases like these are un-nuanced and oversimplified takes that may have been accepted in the past, but as we learn more about deep and entrenched racism, we see they are outdated, insensitive, and quite frankly, racist.

This type of manipulation often is used by mainstream media and people in power, ingraining its use in our culture and further highlighting the power dynamics underpinning racial gaslighting. Think of Donald Trump and his response to protest movements through the past year: On one hand, he refused to condemn Neo-Nazi protestors, saying there were “fine people on both sides.” But he mischaracterized Black Lives Matter protests calling for an end to police brutality as thugs and threatened them with the National Guard, warning “when the looting starts, the shooting starts.” He then mischaracterized the white supremacist, violent insurrection he incited on January 6th as a march, declaring his love for the insurrectionists. According to Trump, white supremacists are allowed the benefit of the doubt and could possibly be good people at heart. Yet, those in support of black lives are automatically dangerous and should be perceived as a threat. With these statements, Donald Trump at once validates the platform of white supremacists while invalidating black lives in the United States and negating the idea that racism is a problem; he normalizes the presence of white supremacy while revealing the inability of the country to acknowledge its inherent racism and bigotry. Anyone witnessing photos and images of how the BLM protesters were treated versus how the white supremacist insurrectionists were treated at our Capitol can see that racial gaslighting has deeply permeated our country systemically and is a problem that outlives the Trump presidency.

Gender Gaslighting

Also problematic is gender gaslighting, where a woman may not feel comfortable voicing concerns about sexism because her concerns are automatically dismissed. Consider a woman -- let’s call her Jana -- who has been working for a company for many years and is very qualified for a promotion. Yet every time Jana expects to be promoted, a man is given the promotion instead, even though he has had less time at the company and is not as qualified. Jana may attempt to discuss this with her boss, but he insists it has nothing to do with her gender; he tells her she is overanalyzing the situation and being over-sensitive. While it is possible that Jana’s boss could be telling the truth, it is more likely that her gender is in fact playing a role in not receiving a promotion, as this pattern has repeated multiple times. However, Jana has learned that she does not have a space to speak up about this sexism, will likely be negatively judged for speaking up and thus have an even harder time getting that promotion, and therefore most likely will not attempt to speak up again. This is the same situation that is seen with racial gaslighting-- the cycle will continue for Jana, and her emotions may inevitably turn inwards, convincing her that she is not qualified for any promotion and deserves to be limited to her current level.

COVID-19 Gaslighting

We even see gaslighting around COVID-19. As a college student at a very urban university, the pandemic has shaken up every single aspect of college life. Though my school has adjusted as best as possible (we are tested twice a week and receive our results within 24 hours; most classes are online and if they aren’t, there are usually less than five people in-person, all socially-distanced; so on and so forth), interacting with other students and people my age really reveals the mindset around the pandemic.

As the pandemic has raged on, it feels as though people have accepted its presence, or stopped caring altogether. It’s a stark difference from the first lockdown in March, where it felt (at least for the most part) that everyone was on the same page. But now, instead of staying inside and mitigating the impacts of the pandemic, it feels as though it’s now a matter of working around the pandemic to do things we used to do. Those who are still staying inside have become more of the minority than the majority, and are sometimes gaslighted to feel overly paranoid for continuing to take the pandemic seriously. This gaslighting is clearly very harmful to society as a whole, as it simultaneously perpetuates coronavirus while undermining common sense and the empathy to care about the collective nation.

COVID gaslighting can exist on a small interpersonal level. Consider a situation where two friends want to get together, but one is insisting on following social distancing regulations while the other is suggesting to abandon them altogether. The one wanting to abandon social distancing may claim that they have both been isolating themselves since the beginning of the pandemic, and it is unlikely that they could infect each other. They may go on to call their friend overly paranoid of the virus and accuse them of not wanting to get together. Though this is not actually the case, the friend who was attempting to follow COVID regulations is made to be the villain, which is a common gaslighting mechanism.

Even worse, COVID gaslighting has been perpetuated by some people in power, who can afford to preach a careless and selfish mentality around COVID-19 because, even when they contract the virus, they have the money, power, and resources to combat it. Meanwhile, they continue to manipulate the American public into believing that COVID is not something to be taken seriously.Their followers adopt the same invincible mindset, but it is clear that they -- and most other average Americans -- are not in the same situation and do not have the same money and resources to combat COVID if needed. The situation is even worse for identity groups that have been historically oppressed.

Many Black and brown communities are disproportionately affected by COVID-19: African-Americans deaths are two times higher than would be expected for their population, and it is the same for Hispanics and Latinos. On the other hand, white deaths from COVID are “lower than their share of the population in 37 states.” These disparities result from institutionalized and systemic racism (fed by racial gaslighting) that has been snowballing since our country’s inception.

Combatting Racism by Contending with Gaslighting

It is in no way, shape, or form the victim’s responsibility to attempt to change their gaslighter’s behavior. Instead, it is important for us to create safe spaces for these victims to be heard and validated. Thus, putting a stop to gaslighting begins by looking inwardly at our own behavior and preconceived biases; particularly, if you find yourself recognizing some of the behaviors symptomatic of gaslighting, it may be wise to engage in self-introspection and attempt to accept some responsibility. Though some gaslighting may be done unintentionally or what you believed to be well-meaning, it clearly is still harmful and must be mitigated. To confront the biases that may underlie your possible gaslighting of others, you can also take this online test that examines and assesses internal biases that you may not have even noticed (it takes about 10-15 minutes). Attempt to challenge these internal biases, and pay attention to how they affect your interactions with others.

Additionally, be prepared and open to truly listen to and learn from other people and their experiences, and focus on increasing your awareness of others’ circumstances. These steps can begin the process of acknowledging gaslighter responsibility. By first starting on a personal scale, we can expand this introspection to a larger scale and begin holding the racist systems in our country accountable.

If you find yourself a victim of gaslighting, it is important to safeguard your mental health. This can be done by taking a step back from the situation and removing yourself from the environment to consider the hurtful behavior and resulting emotions. You can write down your thoughts to affirm your judgement as valid and for reference if necessary. It also can be helpful to talk with other members of your identity group and share experiences like this. Affirmation from others with similar circumstances can validate your experience of harmful gaslighting and remind you that you are not alone. This can help you to trust yourself more as well as recognize the gaslighting as it is happening.

In the moment gaslighting is occurring, it is important to call out the behavior publicly (when possible and safe to do so), showing the perpetrator and others in proximity that the behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Further (again, to the extent safe and not harmful), you can talk one-on-one with the perpetrator to discuss the behavior, making sure to describe the behavior and why it is harmful. Setting boundaries (e.g., taking a step back, removing yourself from the situation, as described above) will help to loosen any grip the negative environment or perpetrator may have on you.

As an ally, it is important to help support victims of racial gaslighting by helping to call out the unacceptable behavior, as well as creating a safe space for victims to express themselves and be heard and respected. Make sure that what you are doing is not self-indulgent or performative, but rather is truly helpful to the victim and in their self interest.

Combatting racism in a present day context is not an easy task -- it is extremely complicated and has far-reaching and entrenched roots in the United States. That said, the task should begin with dismantling the practices that perpetuate racism on interpersonal and societal scales. By recognizing racial gaslighting, it is possible to disrupt stereotypes and racial hierarchies, while also offering the historically oppressed, excluded, and marginalized a safe space to speak and be heard, which uncloaks hard truths from underneath imposed false narratives. Those who insist they don’t see color are not seeing people of color and their lived experiences.

Without seeing the hard truths, we are unable to address them.

[the-darkness-does-not-bargain]

Yeah... it really is not ideal that they did that.  I’m sure they didn’t mean to insinuate that victims of abuse should get back with their abusers at the first sign of improvement, because they’ve been really good about saying the opposite up until this point, but that IS the message they’re sending.  The fact that very few fans seem to be acknowledging it is worse.  I honestly thought we were better than that.  This show has sent so many positive messages that are great for kids to hear, but this just isn’t one of them.

Tangent here, but I am deadly serious when I say that people are making the wrong parallels when they compare She-Ra to Revolutionary Girl Utena.   She-Ra doesn’t deserve to make Utena references when it ends with the Anthy character (Adora) getting back with the Akio analogue (Catra).  

In fact, the only thing people are sort of getting right with these comparisons is that Adora and Anthy, despite their surface-level distinctions, are very similar characters.  Let’s take a look:

1. Incredibly powerful: Adora is a capable badass who also claims the mantle of She-Ra, and Anthy is basically a god (or the closest thing to)

2. Conned into believing they are worthless/powerless or their power isn’t really theirs to claim: Adora thinks all her value comes from being a hero and specifically being the weapon that is She-Ra, and she eventually has to learn that she is not a weapon or a tool and that her worth comes from within.  She has to learn to find her power to win.  Anthy is beaten down and essentially coerced into using her powers as “The Witch” to help Akio and participate in her own imprisonment.  Utena doesn’t so much help her to recognize her power, but she makes Anthy remember that she has value and power separate from Akio and her role as Witch.

3. Had a loved one they tried to protect but couldn’t due to circumstances out of their control: Baby Adora could never have prevented Shadow Weaver from abusing Catra.  1) a literal child (who is also being abused) cannot be expected to stop an adult authority figure from doing anything, let alone abuse another child, and 2) literal children are NOT responsible for the actions of another child and certainly not the actions of an adult authority figure.  But she gets blamed for not protecting Catra anyway. (Remember all the bullshit hot takes from around season 1 doing this very thing).  Anthy tried to save Dios by hiding him (which failed), and she sacrificed herself to the Mob to save him (he died anyway).  There was nothing she could have realistically done, even with all her power, to save him from the World.  Akio blames her for it anyway and the Swords of Human Hatred back up his accusations.

3. Face a toxic combination of love and hatred from the person they were unable to protect: It’s pretty obvious that Catra’s roiling emotions about Adora are both positive and negative.  The pain she felt when Adora defected is genuine.  She really felt like she lost the one person that mattered to her (even though that isn’t true and it was her choice to stay with the Horde while Adora begged her to leave, making it Catra who actually left Adora when you stop to think about it).  That love turned to resentment and hatred, driving Catra to torture Adora at every opportunity and blame Adora for her various wrongdoings.  It’s not easy to discern entirely what Akio is angry about, but it can be reasonably assumed that he is angry with Anthy for “making him Not The Prince anymore” i.e. “Making Him This Way”.  Anthy “stole him away from the princesses of the world”, which is the same kind of blame as “You broke the world, and it is all your fault!”

4. Have their struggles dismissed and/or misunderstood by people they call friends: If anyone matches up with Utena Tenjou in SPOP, it’s Glimmer.  Glimmer is a girl who wants to be a prince Hero and a leader, but she doesn’t understand what those roles actually entail (see: all of season 4).  She reacts when she sees the physical abuse Adora suffers from Shadow Weaver in the Black Garnet Chamber, just like Utena jumps to defend Anthy whenever she sees someone hit her.  But Glimmer completely fails to either recognize or acknowledge the subtler aspects of Adora’s abuse, and she later dismisses her suspicion of Shadow Weaver as baseless paranoia, which she then proceeds to laugh about.  Utena was naive and failed to notice the obvious signs of Anthy’s abuse by Akio right in front of her, but at least she didn’t do that.

5. Have to find and come into their power on their own: Sure, Adora manages to become She-Ra again to save Catra, but it’s still her decision and willpower that get her there.  Utena helps Anthy to see that she can leave her situation and that she deserves a better life, but it’s Anthy who chooses to leave Akio behind and walk out of Ohtori alone.

Now let’s talk about Catra and Akio.

Catra and Akio aren’t 1 to 1 parallels.  Catra does not appear to be a rapist and a child molester, for one thing.  She doesn’t own a red convertible metaphor for the sins, horrors, and privileges of adulthood.  She’s not a failed heroic archetype who languishes in a timeless, flowery coffin, convincing people to have sex with their siblings.  Her name isn’t a fancy word for Satan.

But other than that, they’re pretty similar.

1. They share a connection with someone who is much more powerful than they are: Adora and Catra are pretty close in skill when they are in the Horde together, but Adora edges her out just slightly.  And when Adora becomes She-Ra, her inherent power blows Catra out of the water.  There could never be a fair fight between them because Adora is a woman-shaped WMD and Catra uses dirty tactics to win confrontations.  Dios/Akio is at first portrayed as having all the power in Ohtori, but an attentive viewer will realize that’s nonsense and it’s really Anthy who has the power, a fact that becomes crystal clear when she ditches him easily at the end of the story.

2. They simultaneously love and hate that person: I don’t think I really have to explain this one.  If you’ve watched both series, you will know exactly what I mean.

3. The relationship they have with this person is both familial and romantic: Look, I’m not going to be That Girl and try to claim that Adora and Catra’s relationship is purely a sisterly one.  That is so clearly untrue even without season 5 that it’s laughable.  But there are definitely familial elements to it.  They were raised by the same woman and they treat each other like siblings do at several points in season 1.  But it’s also clear that they have been harboring burgeoning romantic feelings for each other.  Anthy and Dios are literally blood siblings who acted like siblings when they were kids, and then that relationship was twisted by Akio into this awful thing where they are “”””””lovers”””””””” (blegh) and siblings at the same time.

Catradora is not like that, before you attempt to tell me off.  Like I said, Catra isn’t a rapist, and they aren’t blood-related so it’s not actual incest.  But the underlying dynamic is the same.

4. They can’t stand the idea of that person living without them, and seek to imprison and torment them as a result: There are two main things that Catra wants for most of the show, 1) Adora with her or 2) Adora dead.  She oscillates between these two desires but never progresses beyond them until her heel-turn in season 5.  I’ve written about this before, but she’s the definition of the cliche “If I can’t have her, then no one can”.  Akio is the same.  On some level, he knows that Anthy is capable of leaving him at any time and he can’t stop her, so he tries to prevent that by abusing and manipulating her into thinking, 1) she can’t escape him and 2) it’s her fault that he’s like this so she should stay out of guilt.  Both Catra and Akio also attempt to isolate Adora and Anthy by hurting their support structures (The Princesses and Utena).

5. They seek power and validation with no regard for the consequences: Catra was beaten and diminished for her entire childhood, and Shadow Weaver purposefully praised Adora over her to divide them.  Until Adora left and she was subsequently recognized by Hordak, she had never received validation of her worth.  So, she craves it and seeks it out by doing worse and worse things to please Hordak and Shadow Weaver.  She thinks if she gains enough clout and a high enough rank in the Horde, then no one will be able to hurt her and everyone will recognize her value.  She also associates proving herself with beating Adora.  This drive for power ruins all of her relationships and leaves her at rock bottom rather than the top of the world.  Akio longs for the power he thought he had as Dios (which was really Anthy’s power all along as we see when Utena opens the Rose Gate).  He runs the duels and manipulates the duelists so they will achieve what he can’t and open the way for him to reclaim his divinity, leaving destruction in his wake.

The primary difference between them with this point is that evidence suggests that Akio self-sabotages all his attempts to regain power.  And while Catra also sabotages herself at multiple points, it’s because she’s reckless and foolish, not because she’s deliberately making things harder for herself.  Akio perpetuates a vicious cycle of trying and failing to return to godhood, and Catra perpetuates a cycle of seeking validation from the wrong place/people, inevitably failing to meet impossible standards, and falling right back to where she started.

6. They blame their special person for their own bad decisions: To be clear, Akio is MUCH worse about this than Catra, but they both do it.  Again, this is a point I’m not sure I need to discuss much.  If you’ve seen Utena’s last story arc and you’ve watched the portal universe episode, then you know exactly what I’m referring to.

I’m not sure how I can make this any more obvious.  In the world of She-Ra, Adora is Anthy and Catra is Akio.  If you’ve read this and you somehow disagree, stop living in denial.  We are better than that.

Again, I’m very happy that Catra was redeemed.  I think it should have started in season 4 but that’s beside the point.  I’m so, so happy that she recognized her mistakes and joined the Rebellion.  But they are really acting like it’s a good and reasonable thing for Adora to let Catra back into her life just because Catra is genuinely trying to improve herself for once.  It’s not, or at least not the way they portrayed it.  I could believe it if the two of them parted ways and then reunited years down the road, because then it would be easier to believe that Catra’s change for the better was permanent.  But that’s not what we got.  What we got was just a new problem that’s going to damage this wonderful show in the long run.

[saltyaro]

[Image description: The cover of the 5th book of Aromantic (love) Story. It features a drawn woman in a red tank top, a white skirt that hides her heels, and red high heels shoes. She has her hands on her hips and looks confident.]

You know what I forgot to do? That review on the 5th and last tome of aromantic (love) story. For those who weren’t aware yet, I’m not going to keep the suspense going on any longer: yes, it is safe, no, the heroine doesn’t end up as a straight woman. That’s already a victory in itself, so now all of you can go ahead and buy it if it’s available in your country ;) 

The actual review is under the read more, it’s not spoiler free so!

So, Futaba (the main character) tried dating to see if she’s able to develop romance, or not. The person she chose to do so with of course knows about it, and they’re actually both trying it to see if they can understand romance. Futaba still can’t imagine romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction, which frustrates her, because she *knows* allo aces are a thing so obviously, sexual desire isn’t necessarily linked! The viewpoint of her (straight dude) partner-in-crime is...well, not surprising at all, actually. His opinion is that romantic feelings are born of, on one hand, wanting the other person’s happiness, while also wanting to possess them and keep them all to yourself. 

This is, well. A very Straight Man™ way of seeing things, but, on the other hand, this point of view isn’t limited to them. (I promise, I’m not going to ramble about how it’s scary that society puts such a violent feeling as the most beautiful and important. Not on this post at least)

Fun note, at least for me, you have the classical “guy is sick, girl brings him medicine” except...Futaba gives him the medicine and just. Leaves. I love her. Well, she ends up going to his apartment, but that’s where her being aro really stands out. Usually, in a basic romcom, everyone’s flushed, and it’s annoying. But Futaba is aro, so she isn’t embarrassed, she just sees someone she cares about being sick and wants to help. She’s very natural and stoic about the whole situation. It may seem like a detail, but honestly I find that so important!

She explains that, when she was a teenager, she avoided men as much as possible (to avoid romance) and I relate. So fucking much. I don’t know if any of you did the same, but with my parents bugging me about boys, I just avoided them as much as possible (with a few exceptions). I didn’t feel unsafe around men yet back then, so I know that’s not what it was. 

She explains she was afraid of creating misunderstandings, and ended up not using the world “love” at all because of that. I relate to that so much too, I’m trying to heal from that, and I think it’s important, really important, for us as a community, to learn to separate love from romance. Anyway, this kind of struggle that just...hinders your vocabulary options is really a shame, and I’m glad to see a character mention it (and not be shamed for it!).

Are you ready for some Hetero Bashing™? Because Futaba reunites with her friends and they talk a bit. The Straight dude (Kyosuke) asked Futaba to think about marrying him, and she’s a bit “huuuuuh” so she talks about it to her friends. Friend 1 is like “well, you don’t need to be *in romance* to get married. I have friends, a straight dude and a lesbian, who got married by necessity” and Futaba expresses that she never thought such a thing would happen to her, she never thought of marriage being an option for her. Friend 2 they says that it’s the contrary for her, impossible to avoid the idea of marriage and children, despite not wanting either, because it’s been so ingrained in her head. “you know, the “to perpetuate the specie” argument, like having descendance is every human’s mission...”

And the friend 1 says “ah...the perfect exemple of a notion made by straight people to validate their point of view!” and I love that?? I mean, in general, even in the larger queer community, we’re dancing around the argument, finding proof that there are non-straight animals in all species, and all. She then adds “If reproductions is *that* important...then rich single people could have a ton of kids using articifial fertilization and bingo, they’d have contributed to society’s well-being!” Friend 2 is like “uuuuh, that would raise ethical issues” to what friend 2 answers: “Personally, I kinda reaaally don’t care for lessons of morality from a society that considers sexual minorities and childfree people as useless. If we consider that humanity will necessarily go extinct one day, then mating to reproduce is nothing but a useless cycle”. I really like that take which’s why I *had* to share it despite it being so long to read haha. 

Futaba is surprised by her words, so friend 2 explains that friend 1 is worried that a straight guy is going to steal Futaba from them, and she doesn’t want to be abandoned. Friend 1 is bi but that’s a very aro sentiment here tbh. 

(Straight bashing, over)

You have the usual meeting with the family...god, how realistic is that, you see your aunt and uncle you haven’t seen in maybe years and the only thing they’re interested in, is whether or not you’ve found a romantic partner. I swear, I got annoyed for the character cause it’s so true. She’s bothered (and I am too) by her grandma’s affirmation that everyones gets married someday. I hate that, it really, really annoys me that I supposedly can’t be free to make my own decisions! But she also knows that it would be useless to explain to her grandma that her words are paternalism, so she lets her be. Because she means well, and maybe that’s the worst thing about amatonormativity and its assumptions...that the people upholding those mean well. 

The manga also touches (rapidly) on Futaba feeling of guilt for not being sincere with her family. Her parents aren’t pressuring her to get married, but she knows that seeing their only child, still single, and over 30, is sure to make them worried (especially given she’s not exactly wealthy). I can’t express how much I love seeing a character like that, she knows what she wants, but there’s still this lingering feeling that keeps you from feeling totally at ease, regardless of how much confidence you’ve got. It’s only natural and nothing to be ashamed of. 

I think one of my favourite moments of this book - maybe of all the serie? is after Kyosuke’s friends remotivates Futaba by, basically, telling her to do what she always did, fight out of spite, even if that means to accept to sometimes take hits (this happens throught the phone). Kyosuke says to his friend, that he would never have neeb able to say such things to him, and his friend answers that love blinds him, and prevents him from seeing what she really needs. To that, Kyosuke doesn’t answer, and his friend understands immediately and says “That look...maybe you actually nurture this self-deception.” 

And I love this moment because, for Futaba to be happy, she needs to be single, and free. From him, and his expectations of romance, because even though he knows, rationally speaking, that she won’t ever feel the same, he still wants her, and still wants to be the one at her side - when no one should be. Not in a partnership way anyway. He’s actually choosing to ignore the rational part of him because he still hopes for her to make the difficult choice, and stay at his side, because it’s not really that he wants her to be happy but rather, that he wants to be the one to make her happy, which is of course, extremely selfish and possessive. I love that it’s just laid here, without ambiguity. What’s great also, is that the straight dude in romo realizes what he’s doing, even if he tries to ignore that. Later in the manga, Kyosuke thinks to himself that he couldn’t help but hope that she would concecede, yield, and accept him, despite knowing that’s not what she needs, and knowing that’s not the way you build a positive relationship. I...don’t know if alloro usually know they’re doing such things? I don’t know what’s worse, to be confident you’re not doing that shit when you’re doing it, or to keep on doing it even though you’re aware. 

On a sidenote, I really, really like that she got boosted by the least expected person? They don’t like each other, they’re more or less at each other’s throat most of the time cause he’s sexist and unsentitive, but in the end, he was touched by the anger in the beginnings of her work, and it built a sort of...professional trust between the two of them. Like, those characters won’t ever be friends, but there’s still that little place of trust between them, it’s a delicate portrayal of ambiguous relationships. 

Basically, what ends the manga, if the end of Futaba’s own manga (the romantic comedy). And I really like the outlook she has on it, at the end of her 2 years and a half of work. Even though she didn’t want to write such a thing, in the end, she met a lot of people thanks to it, and, through challenging her own vision of relationships and romance, she finally managed to complete her certitude in herself and who she is. I think that’s a lovely parallel. 

It also ends her questions, and she rejects Kyosuke (I usually can’t help but laugh when a Straight man gets rejected in fiction I’m an asshole I know). Their conversation is really lovely after that, and challenged the expectations of partnership. Kyosuke asks her if she would have accepted his proposal if, like one year ago, he didn’t feel anything towards her. And her answer is no. She did think about it, imagining their marriage as a fake straight couple, and how she knew that, while it would have asked concessions and sacrifices from both of them, they could have been happy.  But what she needs isn’t some stability based on renunciations, but ton confront reality, so she can live in agreement with herself. 

Also, the moment after her choice, loneliness and worry strike her, and she acknowledges that feeling, because it’s okay, it doesn’t mean she made the wrong choice. It will pass. 

The younger guy who’s also in romance with her, interestingly enough, resolves the situation in a very mature way. He asks her if she’s found her answer, when they’re about to part ways (he’s no longer her assistant), and she says that, yes, she doesn’t feel romance - and he thanks her, for having endured his weirdness all this time, and bids her farewell. And we then have his thoughts - while his decisions, to act that way, was difficult for him, he did so because it was the right thing to do and he realized that insisting would have bothered her. That was nice. The situation is weird for Futaba too, because, as his senior, she kinda felt responsible for him, protective maybe? And she’s a bit overwhelmed by how much this kid’s grown. 

There’s an epilogue of sorts, and we can see that Futaba decided to entirely live while being true to herself, which also means making some changes. 

To conclude: I really liked this serie! It’s nice to see a woman over 30, finally embracing herself - despite having gone through doubts, even at her age - after making sure she was right about her feelings. She’s, well, asexual I think, but it’s the aro part that matters to her, and really has an influence on her life, the ace part is more of an afterthought. It’s also nice to see a nonamorous aromantic woman! Aro women are already hard to grasp in our amatonormative and migogynistic society, so a nonamorous one probably even more so. 

It was overall a really nice experience, I’m not going to say everything was perfect, and her aromanticism is the topic of the story, but Futaba is also her own person and this is never downplayed in favour of talking about her identity. Definitely something too rare and, as such, very enjoyable. 

[lofeinstructor]

What are the best tips to manifest your desires faster by using Law of Attraction?

Wonderful Tips to Manifest Your Desires Faster Using the Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction can't be altogether characterized in one article. Figuring out how it attempts to improve the conditions in your day to day existence will require some time and preparing.

The LOA is a bunch of frameworks that, when learned and rehearsed, can assist you with accomplishing pretty much anything throughout everyday life. We like to state that you can do anything your psyche can consider, and hold and this is certain. The ability is setting up your brain to accept, and this is the place where the learning starts.

You have the most stunning capacity inside your head. It is the human mind. Unfortunately, it doesn't accompany a manual. Our cerebrum is a three-pound estimated organ set interestingly inside our skull. The cerebrum itself has no sensitive spots and never genuinely FEELS anything. It never perceives the light of day and never has any viable encounters of its own.

So How Does Brain Work?

The cerebrum gathers reports from our faculties, logs the information, examinations for recollections of earlier outcomes, and holds everything supplied methodically. It knows all that we have ever felt and experienced, yet has encountered none of it. It resembles a hard drive.

Our mind is answerable for keeping up records of what we have encountered and learned over the arrangement of our lives, and for attempting to sort out it all. The cerebrum is well prepared for the duty.

Our cerebrums are under the standard turn of events, oftentimes re-wiring as new happenings are recorded. Each new occasion is enrolled by the cerebrum by making new actual connections between neurons. Each contemplation is a physical being, shaped in your cerebrum.

The more habitually thought is recollected, the more impressive it gets. Along these lines, contemplations are something that is framed all the more intensely. In the event that an idea happens routinely enough, it can develop as a default reaction. It has now moved a bit of a worldview that turns into our conduct.

Repetition is a magnificent coach. As new information is handled, again and again, the recollections are reinforced over and over. This is a great example, the mind uses to pick which moves to make in given conditions. It is a characteristic cycle that you can figure out how to utilize without any problem. There are Three Beliefs Should Be Altered For Successful Manifestation.

At the point when we act a specific way routinely, the activity movements to a propensity. Propensities are one of the main factors that characterize our prosperity or disappointment in some random condition.

Need confirmation? Alright, presently pick 5 effective individuals whose propensities you might want to duplicate. You can likewise think about their examples of overcoming adversity through their life accounts.

You will see that the greater part of these fruitful individuals has comparable propensities. What's more, you should give close consideration to their everyday schedules. You will discover the vast majority of them are comparative. Discover here 18 Powerful Habits of Self-Made Billionaires That Will Immediately Improve Your Life.

Rich individuals have various regular characteristics, rules, and propensities. Incredible makers share the equivalent. So do renowned Stars, Specialists, and researchers. Individuals who accomplished their objectives have a typical centre of convictions, speculations, perspectives, thoughts, and activities.

This is likewise a piece of the Law of Attraction. Don't you feel they all have some sort of vibrational match? Presently Allow Your Psychic Mind To Powerful Manifestation.

At the point when you research about effective individuals, you will locate that every one of these individuals has similar propensities. It is a straightforward law. On the off chance that they were essentially extraordinary in their propensities, they would have various outcomes.

Any differentiation in conduct is essentially overseen in the psyche mind. A next to no is really thought about the psyche, yet we can figure out how to utilize it to shape our happenings. There are a few different ways to Become a Money Magnet in 40 Days.

Brilliant Tips to Manifest Your Desires Faster Using Law of Attraction Role of Subconscious Mind?

Our psyche mind controls our pulse, deals with our temperature, makes sure to relax for us, and the wide range of various things that are needed to endure. It additionally controls our activities unmistakably more than we comprehend.

Have you ever needed to settle on a startling unexpected choice with no ideal opportunity to think? You were befuddled about what to do and unexpectedly you just came to realize what to do.

Moreover, when it does, it settles on secure with its choices. In the event that you actually have picked that quick educated choice without speculation, did you notice that you didn't address it a short period of time later? Or then again that you were unable to focus on it utilizing all methods?

Modified driving is a genuine model, where you drive for quite a while with little memory of the day. You made numerous turns, in any case, you can just with critical exertion audit them. These basically move between your cognizant and your psyche is in charge.

Some of the time the psyche brain can take over to permit the cognizant to focus somewhere else. Your psyche mind should have the option to perform more than 50 million estimations at any gave time, wakeful or sleeping.

However, the cognizant brain can perform around 7 computations and that is just while alert. The psyche mind is one of the most strong types of life. It is the principal power in our lives.

The psyche mind isn't simply anything material held in our cerebrum. It is a bit of us related to everything else. Divine awareness that associates us in different manners. Our inner mind is the thing that associates us with the Divine – Universe. It delivers the Divinity with us.

The inner mind wants to collaborate more with vision/pictures, and it is accepted by numerous that it may not utilize language by any stretch of the imagination. At the point when the inner mind is acted with an image, it relates that image to whatever other information it has at that point: taste, contact, smell, and so forth, yet what it searches for the most extreme is how much consideration you are giving it and how well you feel about it. These figures are what the puzzling brain uses to settle the degree of consideration with given encounters.

At the point when you like something, your cerebrum follows a similar inclination and delivery some vibe great synthetics. These vibe great synthetic substances are considerably more remarkable than some unlawful opiates even in minuscule portions.

At the point when your psyche mind gets a positive sentiment with feel-great synthetics, it looks like to re-make the occasions that caused the inclination. This is the reason it is so basic to feeling solid, cheerful feelings that are associated with your objective.

The function of Inner Happiness

The internal bliss and its recurrence go out to begin changing any place it needs to change. A few changes are inside, and some are outer. In the event that you cautiously notice these changes, they will show your objectives quicker than any time in recent memory. What methods of working and agreement with your longing show that you really need this outcome and prepared to starts the Universal energies to bring your objective.

In finding to utilize the LOA, we typically start with positive proclamations. Positive proclamations mean insistences. Certifications are verbal help of that which we look for and perpetually expressed in the current state, i.e, "I am a glad and sound man" and add some cheerful and solid feelings.

Vision board is the second thing we add to visual help of our cravings and these longings are seen routinely until our psyche acknowledges the data that this is what our identity is.

This absolutely works. Indeed, even it tends to be set up without wanting to.

A few people have utilized this hypothesis to control individuals without wanting to. At the point when it is applied along these lines, it's called programming. Do you realize conditioning is genuine? Truly, it is genuine, so if this can be executed effectively to somebody without wanting to, what amount all the more remarkable would it be able to be the point at which we use to improve our lives with acknowledgement?

You can discover a huge number of free attestation recordings on the web. Discover some of them and watch them for at least 30 minutes every day. You can play them in the foundation at that point hear them out until you feel some fulfilment.

Must know the Law of Attraction consistently works. Feed a few pictures to your psyche mind and connected some sure feelings, at that point it will quickly begin to make. Giving more capacity to your longings, strengthen them over and over. In the event that you can see it in your inner mind, you will claim it in your grasp.

The more you practice these things, your propensities will change rapidly. The more you practice these things, the more they become your new propensities. What's more, these new propensities will have any kind of effect in your life.

ANOTHER WAY to utilize LOA in life

Is to change the manner in which you see things. Utilize a few stunts of care to change your approach to see the world.

In some cases things, whenever were disregarded, will get significant. On the off chance that you actually have seen them carefully, they will help you at the period of scarcity.

Always remember at times impediments have become new sources. The source was consistently there, however you missed considering it to be such. At the point when you change the manner in which you take a gander at it, it will transform you. Hindrances won't change until you will see them as circumstances.

The Law of Attraction is to some degree about developing the individual who has the things needed.

On the off chance that you need a particular sort of perfect partner, first, become the sort of soul the tried mate will need to be with. In doing as such, you will draw in them to you and they will challenge for your consideration.

In the event that you wish to be rich, first realize what rich individuals do and attempt to change over more like that. The cash will just follow you.

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Good Place: Whenever You're Ready (4x13/14)

Okay yeah I cried cried cried. That was powerful.

Cons:

I don't really have the heart to nitpick and critique this finale. It was as good an ending to a TV show as I've seen in a very long time.

I guess... I wish it was longer?

Pros:

Just conceptually, this version of the afterlife is so freakin' gorgeous and ideal and even though I'm an atheist and don't think there's an afterlife, I... hope this is what the afterlife is like?

It just... works, on every conceivable level. Think about it. You die, and then you get to go through simulations where you learn about yourself, where you learn to improve and be a kinder, better person. And then after that, you get to go to a fun place where you can live whatever kind of life you want with absolutely no worries - the conventional dream of Heaven. You can be peaceful, or you can learn new things, you can achieve goals, you can repair relationships with people from your life on Earth. You can do whatever you want, for as long as you want. But after that, you go into the great unknown, and are finally, fully, at rest. We even see a hint of what these souls do when they're at rest - they linger within humanity, inspiring people to do better, to be better, thus continuing the cycle.

How... perfect. It's an afterlife built around the thought that effort is important. That trying is what really matters. We see all of the different ways it can manifest. We see that some people take forever, we see a snippet of Brent still trying to learn and grow but not there yet... but other characters, like Tahani's sister and parents, eventually do improve and heal through the program, and get to have a meaningful reconciliation, their family complete at last.

And then there's the paradise part, where we see different goals and dreams coming to life. Tahani spends her afterlife in self-improvement, learning new skills. I like that she doesn't have a shoe-horned romance, and that hers is a life that is fulfilled without the necessity of a single life/afterlife companion. And she doesn't go into that great beyond. We don't get to learn Tahani's "ultimate" fate. She becomes an Architect and spends at least a part of her eternity helping other people to improve, thus fulfilling the purpose she pretended to have on Earth. I like that her story feels unfinished, in a way. Maybe someday she goes through the final door. Maybe she doesn't. It's okay that we don't know.

Jason plays a perfect game of Madden, he gets to hang out with his dad and the rest of his dance crew, he gets to have a meaningful and loving relationship with Janet. And then, after letting his thoughts go blank and spending several Jeremy Bearimys alone with his thoughts (like a monk), he goes through the final doorway, off to bring encouragement to some soul back on Earth.

I loved the fake-out, where Jason is the first to leave, but then it turns out he hung around to give Janet the necklace he made for her. He was ready to leave, but he also didn't mind sticking around. Eternity means there's no harm in waiting. And it was such a fun callback for him to achieve the spiritual peace of being a monk, when that was a part of his deception and fear during season one.

Chidi's section of the episode is the part that made me bawl. See, the thing is, this show never really gave me "feels" about the characters in the way that other shows do... but that's because it gave me more... conceptual feels. I loved watching... love happen on the screen in front of me, more so than I was invested in the specifics of Chidi and Eleanor's romance. But this - the very concept of this - Chidi being ready to move on, but sticking around for Eleanor. Eleanor selfishly holding on to that love, and then learning that she owes it to Chidi to let go. And then... Chidi sharing with Eleanor a Buddhist idea of death - that life is like a wave, and death is returning to the ocean. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be, for a while.

God, I don't know what it was, but that thought... it soothed something in me. It touched me, spiritually, because of the journey we've watched these characters go on for so long. They got to have as much of an eternity as they wanted. They got to be fulfilled in every way that they wanted to be, and then they got to return to the ocean, from whence they came.

I'm also obsessed with Michael's ending. He begins to feel unfulfilled as an Architect, and so the next logical step is for him to become a human, and go through the system like anyone else. I particularly loved that Eleanor pointed out to him that there's no guarantee - the system has been working, but what if Shawn changes it? What if something goes wrong? Michael has to make that leap of faith, and as he reminds Eleanor, the very fact of his unknowing is an essential part of being human. We see him living his life on Earth. Good days, bad days, days in between. And we don't get to watch him live out the remainder of his life, die, go through the system, get his eternity, and walk through the final door. But we can have faith that that's what happens, and that faith is enough.

Janet isn't a human, and she doesn't want to be a human, so we've got another ambiguous/unfulfilled ending with her. I like the moment early on, when she talks about how she experiences time differently from humans. For her, she's everywhere and every time at once. So there's not really any tragedy to the thought of her existing on in perpetuity, befriending and existing among humans forever more. She formed really meaningful bonds with Jason and the others in the Soul Squad, so she'll do it again. She'll grow and love and continue to be not a girl, not a robot. It's lovely.

Sometimes show finales can feel like curtain calls, and this episode certainly had a lot of guest appearances from characters we've gotten to know over the years. Each one felt intentional and worthy of inclusion. I loved seeing Simone again, and John, albeit briefly. I loved seeing Mindy, and knowing that she too goes through the process for self-improvement. Her parallels with Eleanor helped to show how much our protagonist has grown as well. Derek was hilarious. Tahani's family was great. We got mentions of Eleanor and Chidi's mothers, too. Vicky was there. The Judge. Shawn. The list goes on.

And then Eleanor. Her journey is so stunning. There's something so relatable about the fact that she's the last to be ready to move on. And that she's not sure what she needs to do to feel fulfilled. I... felt that. I understood it on some deep level. It meant so much to me that Eleanor's fulfillment wasn't any one thing, any more than Tahani's or Chidi's. Living an eternity with Chidi wasn't it. Helping Mindy wasn't it. Helping Michael... that was the thing that finally tipped it for her, but it wasn't just that alone. It was a combination of all of those things.

I loved this finale so very much. It was powerful in a way I don't know how to describe. I've often found that finales of TV shows can either be astoundingly good, or incredibly disappointing. They are very rarely somewhere in the middle. This one was astoundingly good, and I'm so happy.

10/10

I have to review this show as a whole. Sure, I can think of things I would have changed, ways it could have been stronger, more exactly my own cup of tea. I could have used more queer representation. I could have used less memory wipes and re-sets in seasons two and three. But these things don't change the fact that this show had a very clear message. A very powerful philosophy. And it made a very persuasive argument for the ideas it espoused. I want the world to work like this. I want humanity to work like this. I want people to have the chance to grow, and change, and I want to acknowledge that it's not always easy, that it often involves a lot of time, and that it requires help from others. I'm so happy I watched this show. I'll definitely be recommending it to people for a very long time.

My over-all rating is...

9.5/10

[globabuzz]

Healthy Love vs. Unhealthy Love - Blessing Manifesting

s Valentine’s Day approaches it gives everyone a chance to re-evaluate their relationships. I wanted to showcase what healthy relationships look like and also what unhealthy ones look like.

No one’s perfect and you might fall into unhealthy behaviors at times but it’s so important that your relationship be more healthy than unhealthy. I’m very aware of what unhealthy relationships look like.

In my first relationship, we both did and said completely loathsome things to one another. It was 100% toxic and full of lies and manipulation. (On both sides)

My second relationship was controlling and very off and on (on both sides).

In my third relationship, I was the problem. I was jealous, controlling, manipulative, extremely up and down, and verbally abusive while they were patient, kind, non-reactive, and understanding – at least until the point that they couldn’t take my verbal abuse any longer and they created a firm boundary and ended things with me.

That relationship made me see that I wasn’t always the victim. I had A LOT of things I needed to work on and deal with. I could either perpetuate the cycle of abuse or I could figure out why my reactions were the way they were.

So I was single, or with no serious relationship, for almost five years. I learned so much. It transformed into someone who was mentally healthy, who was confronting anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and who was learning coping skills and self-love.

I started this blog during that time. In my fourth relationship, I entered it with coping skills, with accountability, and feeling like I had my shit together. It was the most toxic relationship in my history. I was verbally abused, gaslit, financially taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on – and I stayed. Even more than that – I basically accepted it.

I came to recognize that part of me felt like I deserved it and the other part of me was stuck in the savior-complex mode of “I can love this person like I wish someone would have loved me and it will make a difference.” and I crashed and burned on all levels.

And now in my marriage, I am healthy. I am happy. And the difference between healthy love vs unhealthy love is terrifying sometimes because how can something really feel so wonderful and still be real? But it is real and I wish I could go back and tell myself, especially in my last relationship, that I deserved more, and that there was more out there waiting for me.

Let’s talk about the difference between healthy love vs unhealthy love.

Healthy Relationships: Respects Boundaries: No means no. They don’t persuade or argue you into doing things that make you uncomfortable or go against yourself.

Encourages Growth: We never stop growing and in healthy relationships that growth is encouraged. Support systems are essential.

Honest Communication: Being able to say “I feel ___ because of ____” is one of the most powerful aspects of communication I’ve ever learned, even though it’s so simple.

Willing to Compromise: Being able to meet in the middle is also important. It’s a delicate balance of wants vs needs of everyone involved.

Grows Together: Your relationship won’t be the same as it was when you first started dating, embrace those changes instead of wishing for the past.

Works Through Problems: Ignoring problems creates a layer of resentment. Even if you hate communicating – do it anyway.

Affirms Feelings: Even when you don’t agree with or understand your partner’s feelings you have to respect their right to feel however they feel while acknowledging their point of view.

Focuses on Resolution: Focus on solving problems that you have together instead of who is “right”.

Respects Independence: You’re allowed to have friends and you’re allowed to have time alone if you need it, both are healthy.

Knows Love Languages: Understanding your partner’s love language means loving them in a way that they easily understand. Some people feel loved by kind gestures, others by words, affection, or gifts.

Trusts: It trusts in the stability and the foundation of what you have built together. It trusts the other person.

Unhealthy Relationships: Disregards Boundaries: Manipulates cajoles or argues you into doing things you do not want to do.

Resents Growth: Doesn’t celebrate personal milestones or is critical of positive changes.

Lies and Manipulates: Instead of communicating in ways where both people are heard there is lying and manipulation to get outcomes that benefit just one person.

Walks on Eggshells: One partner is afraid of upsetting or honestly communicating with the other.

Feels Controlling: You feel like you are being forced to be who someone else wants you to be.

Lacks Empathy or Compassion: Your feelings are not ever given validity. You are always wrong or stupid.

Feelings are Ignored: When you express your feelings or opinions they are ignored or dismissed.

Cycles of Breaking Up: There’s no stability in your relationship and during every conflict, you break up.

Focuses on Blame: Instead of working toward solutions to problems it always turns into who’s to blame or who’s wrong.

Destroys Self-Esteem: Tears down your sense of self and makes you feel unlovable.

Lacks Trust: You don’t trust in your partner or the foundations of your relationships.

What category does your current relationship fall into healthy love vs unhealthy love?