#like idk if thats ever actually happened before
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Also holy wow my primary ACTUALLY listened and agreed with me and didn't shut me down immediately not only when I told her that I suspect there's something more going on with my knees than just arthritis, but also that I don't want to see the ortho doctor I've been to a few times anymore. AND she didn't question it - she just said okay and referred me to a different ortho doc! Like ohmygoodness thank you SO much primary!
#larjb3#primary care physician#doctors#medical#switching doctors#medical terribleness#like idk if thats ever actually happened before#yaaay emotional corrective experiences!
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and when cheesetopia holds an open mic event and lighter gets confident to sing sappy country love songs in front of you and he gets shy after seeing YOU get shy because his singing voice with a hint of a southern drawl made your heart go crazy
lighter only does so after the girls convince him to (and many rounds of nitro-fuel). they knew that he wanted to sing for you but just never found the confidence to. so with some planning, kasa is able to hold cheesetopia’s first ever open mic.
as patron after patron sang, burnice hands the mic over to lighter. he didn’t know it was part of a big plan with the rest of the girls, he thought it was just burnice wanting to tease him. either way, nothing could be more embarrassing than some other customers’ questionable songs and singing abilities so he decided to give it a shot.
you arrived just in time for lighter’s turn, with caesar immediately pulling you by the hand to the best seat for the show. you weren’t too far away from him but it wasn’t directly in front of him. this didn’t matter however, as the moment he began singing, it was like he was a different person.
he was unaware of your presence in the beginning, singing his heart out and instead had his eyes closed behind his shades. he was imagining you, all the moments he had spent with you. right after he had sang the chorus, he opened his eyes and saw you straight in his line of sight. your cheeks were flushed and you were trying your best to hide your flustered smile.
that made his mind go blank for a second that he almost missed the entry for the next verse. just a few lines after, his voice cracked out of embarrassment but nobody seemed to care. everyone else seemed to be in their own little bubble, barely paying attention to him, but you seemed so entranced by his singing. swaying and softly clapping, while trying to hide how attractive his singing voice was.
even though he had messed up a little in the middle, he ended the song with his smooth voice. the song complimented his baritone vocals so perfectly that the original doesn’t even compare to his singing. once done, he made his way to you, completely dismissing the next person in line for the open mic. seeing your reaction, up close, the redness of your face, the ends of your lips turned up in a little smile as you praised him. his heart rate was increasing rapidly, maybe he had one too many drinks for the night.
once it had all ended, kasa and the girls deemed tonight a success. not just because they had made lots of profit from the event but also you and lighter were seen together long after most customers had left. maybe they should consider holding similar events more often in the future…
#lumiresponds ˚✧₊⁎☆#lighter zzz#zzz lighter#lighter lorenz#lighter x you#lighter x reader#lighter x gn reader#ACTUALLY THIS ONES REALLY CUTE !!#idk how i was able to write it all in one go#but i will take a nap after this as it took up all of my brain juice#i love…. i love being loser and having lighter be loser#loser x loser is so dear to me because thats just me and my faves#also no one has ever sang to me before lmao so um if this sounds unrealistic IM SORRY I HAVE NO PULL ???#but i know lighter would sing well mhm hes voices by the goat aleks le and he has a good voice so i said so#i desire him carnally like why does it feel like his release is just never happening ???
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It's your blood that haunts my dreams and sticks to my hands, not mine.
Please Stop Replacing My Memories (They Are All I Have)
#my art lol#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#blood tw#gun tw#utatane piko#piko utatane#vocaloid piko#fukase vocaloid#vocaloid fukase#color palette#THATS RIGHT BAYBEYYY 2 POSTS IN ONE DAY 🤯🤯🤯 (*collapses*)#i actually finished the piko piece way before the len i posted earlier today... and same with the fukase tbh i just finished it up today#testing out some funky color palette stuff for run... the fukase one was the original but i didn't like how it was coming out#so then i switched up and did piko's linelessly which inspired me to redo fukase's in an attempt to get these pieces to match#i dont think that worked lol they ended up not being very matching and lowkey i like how piko's came out way more than fuka's 😭#but its okay ig since these were just tests anyway. ngl kinda started bullshitting towards the ends of both but that keeps happening#that is the most on-model fukase ive ever drawn bruh idk if ill ever be able to do that again 😭😭😭😭 how did i do that
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the mtt are lucky they don't have digestive systems and bladders because then they dont have to go through the absolute EMBARRASSMENT that is trying to pee in a damn cup for the doctors and not being able to pee not once. not twice. but also dropping the goddamn cup into the toilet. they are so,,,,,, SO lucky
#im so pissed at myself for choosing to go before the appointment. like what yhe hell man#DUMBASS!!!! DUMBASS MOVE!!!!!!#new kink just dropped reverse omorashi. the despair of trying to be able to pee but you fucking CANT#idk if ive gotten a bit more sensitive to needles but goddamn i didNOT like getting my blood drawn earlier#it was sooo soooo sooooo gross like dude. thats MY BLOOD. COMING OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!#get that foreign object needle out of my damn arm and leave my blood alone#i dont know which of the mtt would feel like that anyways#maybe killer because seeing the blood would be a bit of a wake up from the dissociation hes always going thru ans thats a nonono#like oh god hes actually here and part of the body and this is happening rn and thats HIS BLOOD#perchance. who knows. im about to down like 3 gallons of water#WORK BLADDER DAMN IT WORK!!!!!!! WORKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!#actually maybe all aspects of doctors appointments are like that for killer#the appointments are solely for caring for his body and all that so hes forced to be aware of all the shit hes got going on#no killer you cant just pretend not to see the several broken bones you have says the doctor#the doctor is horror and he's purposely making the appointment as long and drawn out and shitty as possible#just to see killer squirm and look ever so slightly more uncomfortable than he normally does. horrorkiller i love#dust is outside waiting for killer and when he comes out he looks slightly terrified#killer says man dude your husband is a fucked up doctor#dust says thats your husband too bitchass now shut up we get free healthcare#tricule rant
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i feel like the makeup standards are not necessarily going to get Worse, just. stay the Same. "raised by sephora and ulta" christ alive yall act like this shit is new. as if this hasnt been the standard to blast young girls with makeup ads and shit via magazine and tv and imposed beauty standards anyway. the only real difference is like, idk, accessibility of tutorials for how to apply it well
#toy txt post#spoken as. a no makeup bitch#altho i have also been accused by a terf of wearing a pound if makeup for wearing. visible lipstick in a selfie. and that was It#the actual Beauty Standard has largely stayed the exact fucking same of like making your skin texture as fake as possible#that was the standard back then too but it was harder to achieve /know how to do it cos there werent tutorials the same way now#also yes sephora and ulta are evil and all that but like the same amount theyve always been.#yall really acting like these imposed beauty standards being exposed to children is like a new unique tiktom thing thats never happened#before. and yall blaming instagram are no fuckin better. this has been happening The Entire God Damn Time#also theres something rubbing me about the way this is getting talked about. 'she did all thos other arbitrary bullshit except this#One Thing! the discrimination against this one thing is awful!#and like. it is. but i feel like we could address that while also maybe stepping back a tiny bit further and questioning these arbitrary#standards of professionalism too while we're at it#why does she have to have a blazer either? why do the earrings have to be understated#why do the colors have ti be bland and boring? why does he hair have to be a natural color and gender conforming ?#etc etc etc#like if we're accepting all that other shit the ppl upset about this could acknowledge she might experience similar discrimination for say#very obvious goth or punk-y makeup or anything a little too far outside the bounds of the acceptable beauty standard#everyone is pissed about 'eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man' but theyd be saying nothing if she was discriminated for fuckin#big wings and black lipstick bc well thats Obviously not professional standard makeup. okay?#if we change how we look at professional standards of dress and makeup as a whole to include Fucking Freak Bitches#then it would be a lot easier to include No Makeup in there as welllllll#idk#im a no makeup bitch with blue hair whos only ever worked in warehouses so they didnt give too much of a shit about my lack of makeup#or blue hair as long as i didnt show up in like flip flops which is a Reasonable dress code bc its got an actual fucking reason#(safety so you dont lose your goddamn toes to a box or a grate or some shit) vs it makes the office corpo bros sad#anyway idk if you have the privilege to get away with it i think you should dress weirder in the office to get them used to weirder dress#maybe instead of Suddenly going No Makeup sort of slowly lessen the amount so its not a Sudden change or smth#again: if you have the privilege and job security to get away with it#also also also: easier to get away with if you were to say. mask. js. they cant get mad at schrodingers lack of lipstick
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i think. fuck. im gonna try and make the ed/izzy getting back together au actual fic. who the fuck am i
#this probably lowers the chances of it ever seeing the light of day even more now but#i feel like its way out of scope for a tumblr post. nobody would read that. and its gotten very precious to me#nyxtalks#it wont be good. i have absolutely no writing skills and cannot maintain a tone to save my life but. i think thats gonna be the only way#to do it justice. so we will see#ive actually tried a couple concept before. tried making them read like a narrative. but ive never made something im proud of#i hate taking things seriously too bc it means i cared n care when its back. a stupid silly post is fine whatever happens but if i cared#i want it to be good#sorry this is miserable justttttt. idk. i think im gonna try and then ill leave it as a draft foreverrrrrrr
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Anyway speaking of the sun did I ever tell you about the tales of arise eclipses
#im thinking about it again xyhdfgdchdchjh#do you think they like. considered it#i MEAN ofc they did#they cided that sun disappearing behind rena but dO YOU THINK#that they initially planned to have that actually impact like. the WORLD#in a significant manner?#with the actual luminosity level being affected and all#because like for cyslodia iirc this means no sunlight in the morning#(or cyslodia that we get to explore cyslodia's pretty big after all)#but like i can see how this is a problem like#you liberate cyslodia that is the One Realm where its always nighttime except when you end the renans' grasp on the region there#it still doesnt get a full day of sunlight because of astronomical reasons that we cant do anything about yet#also probably the region of the Central Ocean is in perpetual darkness as well but for those same astronomical reasons#like it GERS CONFUSING it would confuse everything idk#but heres the solution: you ditch that cyslodia in endless nighttime idea bc it was stupid in the first place#like. in calaglia they harvest fire astral energy so its a fiery place. theres fire everywhere. in menancia theyre harvesting#earth astral energy so its super lush and green. and so on and so forth#and in cyslodia theyre harvesting light astral energy so theres. theres no light. its dark. because theyre stealing it!!!!!#well why usnt menancia a barren wasteland then. why isnt ganoth super dry. wha#i COULD accept it if like. maybe. if like the completely stealing the light thing us like. ganabelt specifically.#like hes just a Special Boy and found a way to pull all the stops#and something like that has never been done before in the history of the crown contest#but no this has been going since the great conquest apparently so???#like how arent the other lords doing something like that too?#is light astral energy like so fundamentally different that the harvesting process is the opposite of what happens in other realms?#and if thats the case why dont they ever explain it in the game. or just make a pasing comment about it. I'm not picky#aaaanyway. just get rid of that specific cyslodia plot point#and THEN you can focus on how living in the shade of rena influenced what parts of Dahna#like. to just kinda like. cement the world building a bit?
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smoking scares me sm bc i cant tell if jt even does anything 4 me. and everytime i do it im like What if im doing it wrong... bc the smoke doesnt taste like how weed smells it kinda just tastes like if i took a leaf and set it on fire and inhaled it. which is what it is.
#not set kn fire bc that implys the blunt is like. Has a flame while yr using it LOL. which isnt what its sposed ro be right#its like the embers. and you inhale. and they glow. that seems right 2 me#and yet everytime im like aaa scared! even tho this is like. im not New to smoking#well kindve. i e only smoked with a blunt lke 2 times before#and i prolly only used the pipe like. 10-15 times. so i suppose i am new#edibles ive only had likee thrice?. no. idk what once twice thrice but for four is this is a thought ive had so many times throughout my#life. thats weird. and ive never actually looked up what it actually is or etc i dont wanna finish the sentence.#does that ever happen tonyou btw where yr thinking a thought and its like yr the avatar looking back at yr reincarnations or whatever and#its judt all the times youve thought that exact thought b4.#i cant actually remember the times in which i said it most likely when i was trying to say something happened four times. and then being m#Like gotta fix this. yk how it is... etc#amyways ive made one up and its quartce. and if youre curious then its quince. and if you need 2 say somrthing happened 6 times? idk.#hence is already a word so idk what you want from me.
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I like the paranormal elements in the yakuza games so much. Throughout the series there will just be a ghost or a yokai for absolutely no reason. Kiryus “pirate ghosts huh” [y6] (and the lady in the tape [yk2]), akiyamas “i caught the prankster” “that guy died three years ago” [y5], saejimas hunt for kappa [y4] and the yeti [y5] and tendo [y5] who randomly had for real magic powers (summon avalanche, turn invisible , teleport .. levitate ? And shoot beams ..?) , majimas pale lady entity [y0]. Almost every protag had a run in with the supernatural and the inexplicable and theyre always like huh. That was weird. Anyway ...
#Yakuza loveblog#i think kiryu has had more ghost experiences but i forgor#like im not including things that have explanations these are the legit supernatural events that happened#like yeah kiryu did get haunted by a ghost after watching a spooky video tape and he was pretty chill about it#the guy who handed it off to him was whimpering and desperate but kiryu resolutely decided ‘i dont want to be haunted’ like sure. noone does#i might be missing some ... i dont think tanimura has ever seen a ghost but hes still young#saejima seems to have the highest encounter rate of entities which makes sense because he Was out in the wilderness for a while thats where#he met the mountain gods and saw the yeti footprints. he also saw the golden stag and killed it for a substory so he had tangible proof#but like idk maybe the golden stag isnt actually mythical ....#like actually wait no it Is Because saejima was like haha turns out its real. heres its meat i killed it#and it DID curr the guys moms illness like that happened#like some are very subtle like the yeti was never actually shown and the pale lady was only hinted at#but the priste ghosts were like. Pirate ghosts. like kiryu literally fought them. with his fists#like how akiyama literally chased down the haunted photobooth ghost and tackled him and held a stern coversation with him before leaning hes#been dead for years (he got hit by a car when someone else chased him back then and hes been haunting the photo booth since)#i love ghost stories so much ...#thats why i want to kill kiryu so bad. i know hes gonna stick around .... heh heh heh
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Ok I'm thinking about kabuto backstory again and thinking about how unfair and fucked up it all is like
> be Danzo
> threaten local orphanage mother into returning to being a spy (by threatening the kids there)
> force them to send One Kid too because he "lost a man" while obtaining the intel he's threatening her to spy over (the kid is Kabuto, who volunteered bc he overheard them threatening the mother over this) (Danzo knows he overheard)
> train kabuto to be a spy while orphanage mother is off on her long spy job as well
> bait spy mom with the promise of keeping kabuto safe to keep her agreeing to work with you
> decide they both are too good at their jobs (????) Of being spies (that work for you?????)(they've been loyal this whole time????) So they're too dangerous and both need to die
> keep mom and kid away from each other as kid grows up
> literally DOCTOR FAKE PHOTOS of the kid growing up to make it seem like he looks totally different now???? So she won't recognize him?????
> give her the assassination assignment of killing the Real Kabuto (who she won't recognize) so they'll kill each other
> whoops, Kabuto survived and killed her instead, oh well at least Orochimaru's watching him now
I'm just like. How fucked up is it to threaten these people into working as spies for you "for the good of Konoha", and then decide that these people (who have given NO INDICATION of intending to betray Konoha) are too good at being spies and thus Too Dangerous and should be killed for it. But no he can't just kill them in a normal way. He had to manufacture an entire scenario so that they'd kill EACH OTHER while making the mom not recognize him (with the express purpose of breaking the kid's spirit) like BROOOOOO I know you ordered the whole Uchiha clan to be massacred (conducting genocide for the sake of 'peace') actually now that I think about it he ordered this of itachi. Ordered him to kill his own family. Of course Danzo would get off on making a mother and son kill each other "for the good of Konoha" he's almost fucking cartoon villain level of horrible past the point of logic EXCEPT there really are people this awful that have existed. Plenty of them. And they have also justified it as being "for the good of [nation]" like that's the Thing, he's a war hungry nationalist that has decided He Knows Best so he's going to fuck up SO many people's lives, up to and including his own damn citizens!!!! And this bitch thinks he deserves to be kage?!?!?! Fucking Hiruzen letting him run wild like this. He knew Danzo was stealing children and indoctrinating them into a murder cult (where, keep in mind, he purposefully raises kids in pairs so they view each other as family AND THEN ORDERS THEM TO KILL EACH OTHER)(AGAIN!!!! with the family killing, what is his PROBLEM) but Hiruzen just let it fucking happen. Spineless fucking piece of shit. He fucked Naruto up he fucked Orochimaru up he fucked up Royally with Danzo like come ONNNNNNNNNN
Rattling the bars of my cage rn at how awful Danzo is and how he was able to just. DO THIS???? I know the bitch is dead but he's not dead enough. Give me the glock.
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#sorry im just losing my mind over this. this changes EVERYTHING with kabuto#and you know i already hated danzo so much. but i just now realized his fucking obsession with making family members kill each other#it's probably for the sake of 'killing their emotions' which he sees as necessary to become a good ninja (*cough* a good tool for the state)#im kicking danzo's head in as we speak. the skull. or whatever was left after he exploded. probably nothing much actually.#it's not good enough I NEED TO KILL HIM SO BADDDDD HE NEEDS TO BE DOUBLE DEAD TRIPLE DEAD#QUADRUPLE OR PERHAPS EVEN INFINITY DEAD.#sets up an infinite time loop of me killing Danzo just to make sure hes super super super super dead#YELLING SCREAMING I HATE DANZO SO MUCHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#honestly as much as i loved sasuke killing danzo i wish itd happened later.#bc danzo's stinky fingers were in so many pies. he was set up as this horrible mastermind#and then he dies... what... 2/5ths into shippuden?? and what do we have now. cringefail sadboy decided to kill the world for his fantasies?#weird alien goddess?? bc all the world's struggles were clearly bc of an alien instead of any human fault???? or something?????#idk i havent gotten that far yet. but thats what ive gathered from online.#for as wonderful of characters as kishimoto writes he really isnt that great at overall plot.#compelling world. fascinating interactions. cool fights and mechanics.#unfortunately he set up a guy to be a big bad and he died before even halfway through and now we have to watch several hundred episodes#of the most Ninjas One Upping Each Other In Make Believe plotlines ever#like the 'i hit you' 'well i have a shield that blocks hits' 'well i hit you with a sword that cuts through anything'#'well i cast a spell before you hit me that makes me invulnerable to attacks' etc etc COME ON MAN it gets so BORING.#i miss the good old days of sakura fighting sasori. now shes sidelined to the medic tents bc shes a poor vulnerable medic or w/e#idk some parts of this is cool. but so much of it is unsatisfying. like the bijuu battle??? come on.#naruto making friends with kurama was great. the fight with all the jinchuuriki was pretty boring.#like come on this is supposed to be a Big Deal. aaaand what do we have now? another fucking bijuu bomb.#oh wait theyre all casting the bijuu bomb together!!! no worries naruto is making a bijuu bomb of the same exact size#so they counteract and shoot into the stratosphere and theres a Big Boom! wow! so original!#yawn. yawn especially at the madara vs kages fight. at least im enjoying the uchiha bros vs kabuto fight.
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god that "morning people are an oppressive class" post annoys me in some way i cant. quite. ugh
#toy txt post#it doesnt feel quite right to me...........#maybe im just a Morning Person. lol. lmao even#idk how much that is true vs in high school i felt very much like a morning person bc#i was taking my adderall with coffee and then it would all wear off right at the end of the day and id crash soooo hard and have like.#anxiety attacks every night and just be generally overstimulated and irritable as hell#which is mostly managed now by me trying to be smarter about caffeine consumption (amount + when) and on a lower dose of adderall#but it does feel like a lot of that shit mentioned would be adequately covered by like. being able to take time off work to go to the#doctor etc. idk#im half joking these days when i ID as a morning person but legally none of you are allowed to get up my ass about it🔪#bc of the nocturnal bullshit i pulled on second shift for like 3yrs after everything around me decided to start closing early after the#pandemic hit even tho theyve re lifted every other miniscule precaution they ever enforced#probably bc no one wants to work night shift at the grocery store for like 12$ an hour. fucking offer better pay idiots#god even when i was a package handler working the super inconvenient hours of 3am-like. 9. 10am(inconvenient my ass that was ideal hours.)#the main reasons ppl left for other jobs: hours suck and they got offered better pay. they cant adjust the hours. so they shouldve#increased the pay to retain. and maybe have more structured start and end times that were less up in the air#like all the drivers leave at 9am so if theres anything left on the truck thatll be for tomorrow. since that fuckin happened anyway. idk.#honestly wouldve been more important to me to have consistent start times cos thats one of the things that pissed me off about that job was#like youd go in and before you left youd have to ask what the start time would be tomorrow cos they kept jumping all over the place by like#15min increments and like its once thing to do it on occasion to try to deal with like Bad Weather but it was like fucking Daily#and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard. but sometimes they wouldnt. and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard#and leave it up there forget to erase it and it would still be there but they told you as you walked out actually its not 4:30 tmrrw its 3#idk. i know the main real reason i miss it is cause it was part time and the day ended at like 9am usually
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sighhhhh made an entire schedule for an imaginary 3mo baby. and wrote down a bunch of notes about how to take care of my imaginary 3mo baby. but then i got rly sad bc i started writing notes about how im going to be working 8 hours a day 5 days a week during the majority of the babys awake time and now im a bit sad . whatever
#Im not having a baby anytime soon i just like planning and researching and thinking about my imaginary baby that i might never actually have#makes me so happy#i do have a disease where i just cant fathom Another person being there. so if there is thats gonna muck up my schedule potentially...#but. i think daycare is a good option if i can find a nice one that i can afford. hooooopefully by the time i have a baby ill have a good#paying job and obviously if there is another parent thatll help with like. money and stuff#sigh idk im trying not to think abt it more but my little momey earlier reaffirmed to me idk if im ever actually going to be able to be in#romantic relationship and that might be for the best. and also idk im just very paranoid that even if i do magically get uncrazy and fall i#love with somebody and im well adjusted enough to have a kid likee. what if they end up being abusive or neglectful of the baby. you know.#its one of my biggest fears obviously id like. talk In depth abt having kids w them before we have kids and wed work out plans and schedule#together but im just very paranoid basically. but. it doesnt actually matter bc this is all imaginary and Again might not even happen.#im also. hrmm. bc obv a big costsaver daycare wise would be having my parents watch the baby if im living in the same area. however#i have very very specific rules for how ill interact with my baby and i dont know if i trust. my parents. to interact with them the right w#like mainly when they get older one of my big things is that i never ever ever want to yell at my baby i never want to like. yk. i dont wan#to Snap or get angry ik its normal to get overwhelmed and overstimulated but i dont want my kid(s) to like. see me being overwhelmed or#upset w them. you know. but i dont know if i can trust my parents not to snap at my kid . yk. not that i dont want them to meet my kids i#i love my parents despite All that but. idk if id be comfortable leaving my kid alone with them the majority of the day.... yk. maybe#weekend visits once the kids older but i will be Sitting my parents down and Lecturing them . abt how to treat my kid#ik ppl r usually better as grandparents than as parents tho. so hopefully they like. idk. im just very paranoid abt if i do get to have kid#if i do reach a place where i can have kids and take care of them properly like i rly rly want to im rly worried abt like. i just want my#kids to be happy and welladjusted and have a good life And well see this is part of the reason im not ready for kids is bc i place too many#expectations on them already. and i shouldnt go into having a child w a savior complex i shouldnt have a kid for the gratification of#being the one to give the kid a good life. not that i shouldnt want to give the kid a good life but like. you know what i mean. i shouldnt#have a kid just so i can vicariously live out a happy childhood through them. you know. which i fear might be what im subconsciously doing
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ok stupid angst time cuz its 2:30 in the morning and i feel like shit
so. like technically two days ago i passed out at the sight of my own blood, took a header into the corner of a marble table, and couldn’t move my hands or face properly for ten or twenty minutes.
i didn’t go to the hospital. i feel like that was probably a hospital worthy event. maybe i’m stupid. but since then i have felt like shittttt and i’m kinda worried. my hands feel weirdly sluggish, my mouth hurts, my head has been hurting constantly. i just don’t know how to tell my parents, because it feels stupid.
i just. yeah. whatever. everything hurts and i’m worried, considering according to my mom i hit my TEMPLE on the CORNER OF A TABLE (there’s a huge ass bump there and everything) and my dad just kind of. casually offered the idea that maybe i sprained my wrist. and then didn’t say anything else. i was dissociating so hard (and still am) that i’m still debating if it was even real.
of course it’s real. i have an entire fucking bump on my head. there’s a scab on my hand. i just. i hate it here. i’m scared.
what everrrrrr man. stares off out my window or something
#never done vent shit before losing my mind#weird kinda situation here where i dont want anyone to acknowledge this#cuz i dont wanna TALK about my stupid dumb ass teenage issues#when most of my online friends are like. grownups with actual problems#but also. i rlly just want someone to be like#hey man. saw ur post. love ya. mwah mwah#or something#cuz. yeah.#idk. hate it here. i wanna die. not really.#wanna cut myself#probably wont#cuz i’m a fucking coward#but you knowwwwwwwwwww#what ever. sighs.#nobody look at or acknowledge this. but also do. i dont wanna talk about it#but i also do. but also. attention seekinggggggggg#i first posted this on my like fandom blog before remembering i had a private#so it’s on here now.#i just.#yeah idk i’m having a shit time rn#thats what happens when you pass out and crack ur head on a table apparently#someone take me out back and shoot me like old yeller or whatever#but also just send me a 🫂❤️#DON’T OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS SO PATHETICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
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love this podcast but sometimes they do a segment and i disagree so heavily that i need to take a breather
#sry sad boyz . but i dont think theres any game literally On this eaeth that is worth 60 dollars to me#not even kirbys epic yarn and that game is literally the modt important thing thats ever happened 2 me that game made me who i am so many#of my cherished memories are of that game if we didnt have that game me and my sibling wouldnt be this close. i would not on earth pay 60#dollars for a VIDEOGAME. THATS GROCERIES THATS LITERALLY GROCERIES.#like if yr a girlie who can afford it and you cant/dont want to pirate (why. get over yrself) like. whatever i wont tell you what t do with#yr money. but they were like there r some games id pay 200 dollars for and its like. i could get 2 tvs for that money. on facebook#marketplace. theyd be kinda sketchy but 2 whole tvs.#idk#and i do think gamedevs should have better conditions And be paid more. i contain multitudes#i think its possible to pay devs fairly without charging 70 goddamn dollars for pixels. yk..#IK IK IK GAMES R IMPACTFUL BEYOND JUDT LIKE. YK TRUST ME ME OF ALL PPL IK THIS. but 60 dollars too mucg. anything above 20 is actually#insane. if they had demos i could MABE justify like 40.#but paying 60 dollars before even knowing if you Like the game. we genuinely have gott 2 bring back demodiscs im deathly desthly srs
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once ir reached 3am im gna plsay ml
#everybody is half asleep every time i play matches on ml at that time and its fuking hilaruosu#even me too cuz the enemy cld be right in front of me and ill miss all of my skills like What (rlyl happened and i was embarrassed cuz that#was quite litrly a free kill)#uehm ill try playing tank ig (very Ew unless its esme my queen<3)#i have tigreals special skin but ugghugurhg i wanna play pretty girls!!!!#only dude im allowing myself to play is nolan n cyclops and THATS IT#my nolan skills have degraded terribly tho i used to be so good at him when he first realessed#but he started getting banned every match and overtime i just forgot how to use him</3#+ i prefer to play more sustain junglers now like esme cuz id rather last long in a clash than die w just 1 wrong move#thats why im esme's Biggest Fangirl Ever (real)<3333#but i fucking hate playig as the jungler so thats that ig#I MISS MY MARKSMAN ROOTS but at the same time playing mid is saur fun#i need to sharpen up my luo yi skills cuz i wan buy oracle of sol skin w the promo dias#actually idk how promo dias work#like can u buy any skin or will there be like options to choose from idk#but either way i want to buy oracle of sol soooo bad just bc it looks so pretty#halloween lylia is alr but..... oracle of sol fx...... :(#oh help im looking thru my heores rn and i literally forgot that i have novaria#why did i even buy her bro im so shit at aiming my skills (see: first few tags)#same way i want to play selena but i know that aiming my skills i sjust . not it for me HWKJFGH#ermmemrm for marksman i doubt ill be going back to being a mm main any time soon#and if i hav to play mm in a match ill pick ixia anyway butttt i rlly rlly wanna learn how to play karrie#cuz the pro karrie players i get matched w are literally so scary liek i Cannot farm properly . they alwys zone me out!!!!#and its scary cuz once i get out of my tower she'll fucking punish me for that and i die !!!#one day one day#oooh also beatrix i wanna learn but just looking at her plethora of guns has my eyes confused#so sadge but uhhh i also rlly kinda wanna play melissa but it just seems that shes rlly rlly squishy#like she just has that kill them before they kill u kind of strat and most of the time it works but#i literally get like 20 heart attacks when i see my hp drop below 50% and i usually fumble my skills after that hhaaha#uhm anwyay i think i rambled elong enough her
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