#someone take me out back and shoot me like old yeller or whatever

[angel-ofthestars]

ok stupid angst time cuz its 2:30 in the morning and i feel like shit

so. like technically two days ago i passed out at the sight of my own blood, took a header into the corner of a marble table, and couldn’t move my hands or face properly for ten or twenty minutes.

i didn’t go to the hospital. i feel like that was probably a hospital worthy event. maybe i’m stupid. but since then i have felt like shittttt and i’m kinda worried. my hands feel weirdly sluggish, my mouth hurts, my head has been hurting constantly. i just don’t know how to tell my parents, because it feels stupid.

i just. yeah. whatever. everything hurts and i’m worried, considering according to my mom i hit my TEMPLE on the CORNER OF A TABLE (there’s a huge ass bump there and everything) and my dad just kind of. casually offered the idea that maybe i sprained my wrist. and then didn’t say anything else. i was dissociating so hard (and still am) that i’m still debating if it was even real.

of course it’s real. i have an entire fucking bump on my head. there’s a scab on my hand. i just. i hate it here. i’m scared.

what everrrrrr man. stares off out my window or something

[amirosebooks]

Dean’s Old Yeller Principle

“He made me so mad at first that I wanted to kill him. Then, later, when I had to kill him, it was like having to shoot some of my own folks. That’s how much I’d come to think of the big yeller dog.”

— Fred Gipson, Old Yeller, Chapter 1 (Published in 1942)

When I was twelve or thirteen my English teacher passed out copies of Old Yeller as assigned reading. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, the quote above from the opening chapter tells you most everything you need to know for the context of this meta post. And for those of us who are still emotionally scarred from the damned book, I’m sorry for dredging up those memories.

Now, before I go any further, a disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, this meta and interpretation of canon is my own. I’m not trying to “preach” to anyone about why Dean “is allowed” to be an asshole while he’s grieving or going through some shit. Or any other argument that consistently gets thrown back in the face of meta posts like this whenever Dean is being an emotional dick. You’re entitled to your interpretations, feelings and reactions, as am I. I’m merely offering this meta to 1) get it out of my mind 2) point and wave about the nods to this classic book that’s traumatized generations of American children 3) cheer Dean on for turning yet another teaching from the “older, wiser generation” John came from on its head.

Groovy? Okay, now we can move on.

I’m gonna throw the rest of this under the cut for length and to keep people who are sensitive to pets / animals dying in really sad ways from having their days ruined by talking more about the book unless they’re good with having that happen.

Now, as I said in my disclaimer bit, Old Yeller is largely considered classic literature here in the states. My memories of it are a weird mix of vague on the details and strong on the emotions it evoked. From what I remember, the main character was a young teenager when his family brought home Yeller. For whatever reason, our main character hated this dog. I don’t remember the details and they’re honestly not important to this meta. The hate he felt toward the dog is important. So is the fact that the hate slowly turned into love and devotion to the dog. Which made it even more gutting when, on a hunting trip (if I remember correctly) Yeller was bitten by a rabid animal and contracted rabies.

At the end of the novel, the Coates family are once again attacked by a wild animal, a wolf, and saved by Yeller’s bravery. Yeller is bit during the attack and becomes infected with rabies. Travis knows that despite his connection to Yeller and Yeller’s protection of his family, the dog must be killed before it becomes fully rabid and does any harm to him and his family. As the man of the house while his father is gone, Travis takes it upon himself to put Yeller out of his misery with his hunting rifle. Travis is heartbroken by what he has done, but knows that it was the right thing to do for his family. (From here.)

Sound familiar? Good. That’s what I thought too when we got the shot above in the graveyard in 14x20.

[Obviously, rabies, once there are symptoms like Yeller had, is incurrable, so putting him down was literally the only option. And we are talking here about Supernatural, which operates on soap opera rules so anything goes, but let’s just roll with the similarities for the sake of argument.]

I remember telling my husband while we were watching it “Dude, they’re really going to Old Yeller Jack, omg.” (I even made fanart of the moment.)

And then, something incredible happened.

Dean threw out the script yet again and set off season 15 with the dull thud of a gun being tossed into the grass.

Now, I hear you. “That’s great, Ami. Why should we care?”

Lemme tell you a thing, friend.

In order to tell you thing thing, I want to take a trip way back to season 4. Back when the brothers were still nose deep into John Winchester’s gospel of Monster = Evil = Kill The Thing.

(Screencaps are all from Home of the Nutty.)

4x21 - When the Levee Breaks

Sam: Stop bossing me around, Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I’m asking you, for once, trust me.

Dean: No. You don’t know what you’re doing, Sam.

Sam: Yes, I do.

Dean: Then that’s worse.

Sam: Why? Look, I’m telling you-

Dean: Because it’s not something that you’re doing, it’s what you are! It means- Dean cuts himself off.

Sam: What? No. Say it. (Sam has tears in his eyes.)

Dean: It means you’re a monster. (Transcript from here.)

I remember the first time I watched the show and I got to this episode. That fucking line was such a gut punching moment. And it was such an effective and emotional moment that Ruby was able to extend it later to further manipulate Sam.

Now, the screencap I grabbed for this moment is of Dean in tears (well, that single man tear he’s known for) after labelling Sam a monster for a reason. I want to remind all of us of just how much it killed Dean to have to use that label for Sam. To have to try to rationalize that the boy he raised, his brother, the guy who has been there forever and has always been Dean’s charge to take care of is now the thing that Dean is going to have to put down because he falls under the label of monster.

You know what, let’s go back a little farther, to the first episode of season 2. To this moment:

Remember this look? The one we later learned was thanks to John telling Dean that Dean was going to need to put Sam down? That Sam was going to become a monster? Yeah, ouch.

I added the year Old Yeller was published (1942) to the quote at the top of this meta to help give some context about the time it was written and the world it was released into. I’d also like to make note that in 1957 (or about a year before Henry Winchester jumped forward in time to meet the brothers in season 8 and give them keys to the bunker and had to choose to abandon John when John was still a fairly young boy) Disney released a movie version of the book. It’s absolutely, if the movie exists in the SPN world, the kind of thing young John would have watched and taken some kind of black and white moral guidance from.

It’s the kind of book/movie that John would have probably (note, this is where we start diving into my own headcanons for a moment) made sure the boys were aware of when he started thinking about bringing them on hunts to keep them from freezing because the “person” on the other end of their shotgun is someone’s mom. I could see it being the kind of thing he’d use as a way to show them both that, yes, shit is hard but you have to do the right thing and sometimes that means killing the thing you love. At least, I could picture him thinking that way. (Also, this still makes me wonder about exactly how early John started suspecting there was something different about Sam, but that’s a whoooole other post.)

Moving on and forward to season 6.

6x20 - The Man Who Would Be King

Castiel: The angel-proofing Bobby put up on the house – he got a few things wrong.

Dean: Well, it’s too bad we got to angel-proof in the first place, isn’t it? Why are you here?

Castiel: I want you to understand.

Dean: Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah, blah, Raphael, right?

Castiel: I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.

Dean: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Castiel: You’re the one who taught me that freedom and free will –

Dean: You’re a freakin’ child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Castiel: I know what I’m doing, Dean.

Dean: I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t… Just ‘cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.

Castiel: I don’t understand.

Dean: Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family – that you are like a brother to me. So, if I’m asking you not to do something… You got to trust me, man.

Castiel: Or what?

Dean: Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.

Castiel: You can’t, Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.

Dean: I don’t know. I’ve taken some pretty big fish. (Transcript from here.)

This was after two seasons of Cas fighting by their side. Two seasons of Cas giving heaven the middle finger on behalf of the Winchesters. It was enough time for Dean’s first reaction in a time of confusion on a hunt was to call Cas for help. And it was enough time for Dean to go from assuming Cas was a demon summoned with “bad mojo” to drag him out of hell on behalf of Sam to genuinely starting to care about Cas.

Dean did threaten to take Cas out here if he persisted down the path he was on, but you can tell by the rest of the conversation and just how hard it was to convince Dean that Cas was lying to them that Dean was hoping talking would work and he wouldn’t be forced to put Cas down.

Unfortunately…

6x22 - The Man Who Knew Too Much

Castiel: You doubted me, fought against me, but I was right all along.

Dean: Okay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry. Now let’s just defuse you, okay?

Castiel: What do you mean?

Dean: You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So, before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.

Castiel: Oh no, they belong with me.

Dean: No, Cas, it’s it-it’s scrambling your brain.

Castiel: No, I’m not finished yet. Raphael had many followers, and I must punish them all severely.

Dean: Listen to me. Listen, I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you… Please. I’ve lost Lisa, I’ve lost Ben, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too. You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.

Castiel: You’re just saying that because I won. Because you’re afraid. (Behind him, Sam picks up the angel killing sword.) You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. (Sam stabs Castiel in the back with the angel killing sword. Sam groans. Nothing happens. Castiel pulls the sword out. There’s no blood on it. He puts it down.) I’m glad you made it, Sam. But the angel blade won’t work, because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you. (Transcript from here.)

Again, Dean tried to argue with the overpowered angel, he tried bargaining, pleading, and appealing to Cas’s fondness for them, but it didn’t work. Sam was the one who was forced to try stabbing Cas and it… also didn’t work.

7x01 - Meet the New Boss

Sam: Dean, look, I know you think that Cas is gone –

Dean: It’s 'cause he is.

Sam: He’s not! He’s in there somewhere, Dean. I know it.

Dean: No, you don’t.

Sam: No, I don’t. But, look, I was pretty far gone sometimes myself, and never gave up on me.

Dean: Yeah, and it turns out that you’re about the Same open book as you’ve always been. Hallucinations? Really? I got to find out from Death?

Sam: What was I supposed to do?

Dean: How about not lie? How about tell me that you’ve got crazy crap climbing those walls?

Sam: Why? You can’t help. You got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately, and – and I thought –what? I thought why burst the one good bubble you had left? It’s under control.

Dean: What? What, exactly, is under control?

Sam: I know what’s real and what’s not.

Dean: Sam –

Sam: Dean, look, we can debate this once we deal with Cas.

Dean: Yeah, you know how I’m gonna deal? I’m gonna stuff my piehole, I’m gonna drink, and I’m gonna watch some Asian cartoon p**n and act like the world’s about to explode because it is. Hey. You got to be kidding me. “Massacre at the campaign office of an incumbent Senator by a trench-coated man.” There’s security footage. Well, I think reaching Cas is, uh… out of the cards. (Transcript from here. And hopefully my slight censoring the last paragraph keeps tumblr from blacklisting this post into the aether…)

Here’s a sad thought for you, how often do you think–while Cas was terrorizing the country as Godstiel and, later, after he walked into the lake and exploded into Leviathan goo–Dean thought about how he should have listened to Bobby and Sam and taken Cas out before he had the chance to swallow the Leviathans and become super powered? Probably a lot, I’d guess.

This moment, as much as I, personally, hate seasons 6 and 7, went pretty damn far to reinforce this Old Yeller principle in Dean’s moral code.

He had to sit back and watch, literally, while someone he cared about went out of their goddamn mind with power while killing and terrorizing people. He had to do that knowing that there was a moment when he could have done something to prevent it. He could have killed Cas when he had him locked up in the ring of holy fire and they were having one of their many breakup moments.

Dean felt like he could have stopped all of this, but he’d been weak and tried talking it out first instead. And you can’t convince me that he didn’t check the news and every drop of blood Godstiel brought about to the blood on his own hands because of that choice to give Cas a chance to see reason.

10x09 - The Things We Left Behind

CASTIEL: How are you, Dean?

DEAN: Fine. [Cas gives him a look.] I’m great!

CASTIEL: No, you’re not.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I lost the black eyes, so that’s a plus. But I still have this. [Dean reaches over and gently slaps the Mark on his arm.]

CASTIEL: Is the Mark of Cain still affecting you?

[Dean flashes back to his dream from earlier, of the blood covering him, the dead bodies lying around him.]

CASTIEL: Dean?

[Dean blinks hard, coming back to the present.]

DEAN: Cas, I need you to promise me something.

CASTIEL: Of course.

DEAN: If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.

CASTIEL: What do you mean?

DEAN: Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.

(Transcript from here.)

I may hate seasons 6 and 7, but holy damn do I love season 10. I know it’s not a favorite among many people in the fandom, but it’s one of mine.

This moment, this burger date of sadness and pain, is a big favorite for me. Dean sees the writing on the wall. He’s been a Knight of Hell now. He’s been as darkside as he can get. He’s, likely, being reminded daily of his time in Hell in the last ten years of his stay there where he was torturing souls. And he’s begging Cas to keep him from returning to that place. He’s begging Cas to adopt the Old Yeller principle because he sees it as the only option left if the mark consumed him again. And that kills me.

Let’s take another jump forward to season 13, where Dabb & Co really started putting Dean’s Old Yeller principle into text in a heavy, purposeful way.

13x02 - The Rising Son

SAM Dean, wait a second. (Sighs) The kid came through for us today. Jack saved us.

DEAN No. No, whatever that was, that was a reflex. It was a sneeze. Maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us. Good night.

[DEAN hears a clacking sound coming from a distance. He follows the noise to JACK’s room.] JACK Ah!

[DEAN finds JACK trying to stab himself with a blade. The wounds immediately heal.]

DEAN Okay. What the hell?  (he gets in the room) Give me that. You—Don’t be an idiot. Look, A, this is not gonna do anything to you, okay? And B, you… What the hell?

JACK Exactly. What the hell am I? I can’t control… whatever this is. I will hurt someone.

DEAN You know, my brother thinks you can be saved.

JACK You don’t believe that.

DEAN No, I don’t.

JACK So… if you’re right?

DEAN If I’m right… and it comes to killing you… I’ll be the one to do it.

[DEAN leaves.]

(Transcript from here.)

Can I just bask in the glory of the grieving widow!Dean arc from the beginning of 13 for a moment? I’d also like to take a moment to 🙌 Jack for being a wonderful Team Free Will mirror (and mimic) from the word go.

Ahhh…

Okay, moving on.

I loved this bit in 13x02 so much. Partially because it’s such a heavy handed foreshadow to 14x20, but also because it shows so clearly how good Jack is at reading the emotions in the room. He’s, like, three days old at that point, but he’s already having an existential crisis about whether or not he’s evil. He already understands (yes, thanks to jackass grieving widow!Dean…) the whole Monster = Evil = Kill The Thing.

He also shows that he understands the Old Yeller principle. And, for better or worse, he and Dean reach an unspoken agreement here about it. (Again, this is my reading. Your mileage may vary.)

13x04 - The Big Empty

JACK I’m afraid.

MIA/KELLY Why? Why are you afraid?

JACK Sam thinks you were right, that—that I’m good. He wants me to believe it, and I wanna believe it, too. It’s just, I… I’ve hurt people. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. And I know I should feel bad, and I say I feel bad, but most of the time, I mostly… I don’t feel anything. And that’s why I think maybe… Maybe I’m a monster.

MIA/KELLY Jack. It doesn’t matter what you are. It matters what you do. And even monsters can do good in this world.

JACK You really believe that?

MIA/KELLY I have to. I have to.

[MIA hugs JACK again.]

(Trancript from here.)

Killing me would be kinder than subjecting me to these feelings so soon after being introduced to this fucking character. Omg. Poor Jack.

Now, yes, a huuuuge part of Jack’s opinion of monsters and the whole “What do we do with monsters children? That’s RIGHT, we kill them.” thing is because Dean is an asshole when he’s emotional and grieving and deep into survival mode.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that Jack is still worried about the fact that he doesn’t feel things the way that everyone else seems to. That he has powers no one, including him, can understand. And that he’s killed people without meaning to. He’s afraid of himself just like Dean was afraid of what he was capable of if the mark took him over again.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

(Sam continues down the hallway while Dean turns to another hallway and approaches his bedroom door. He stops as if to listen to something and then continues down the hall, away from his bedroom door. He enters Jack’s room, where Jack is sleeping and talking in his sleep)

JACK Stop! No!

DEAN Jack? (Dean touches Jack’s shoulder to wake him) Hey. (Jack jumps up, anxious and disoriented. Dean holds out his hand towards Jack to calm him) Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. You’re just having a bad dream.

JACK (breathing heavily) Sorry.

DEAN It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. I have 'em, too. All the time.

JACK You do?

DEAN Sure.

JACK You, um… What do you see?

DEAN Well, depends. Mostly…mostly people I couldn’t save.

JACK Me, too. Over there in the other world, I said I’d protect those people. But…I saw so many of them die. And…I tried to save them. I…I tried, but… I’m sorry. I wasn’t strong enough.

DEAN Jack… (Dean sits on the edge of Jack’s bed) it’s not about being strong. I mean… Look, I don’t know what you saw over there, and I don’t know what you went through. I know it was bad. But I also know that you came out the other side because you are strong. But even when we’re strong, man, things are gonna happen. We’re gonna make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. Right? But we can get better. Every day, we can get better. So whatever you’re dealing with, you know, whatever…whatever comes at us, we’ll figure out a way to deal with it, together. You’re family, kid, and we look after our own.

(Transcript from here.)

It’s not about being strong. IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING STRONG.

This is where we veer away from Old Yeller a tiny bit because, again, in the book Yeller had rabies which they could do nothing about.

The moments I’ve highlighted in this post all come back to one motivation. The overpowered person/angel/asshole in question was trying to gain enough strength through supernatural (lol) means in order to have the power to destroy a (perceived) bigger threat than whatever the cost was to get that power.

Sam’s demon blood drinking was supposed to give him the power to destroy Lucifer and get revenge for Mary and John and their lost childhood. It went badly and earned Sam the label of monster and falling, at least temporarily, into the territory of the Old Yeller principle.

Cas started lying to the brothers and working with Crowley so they could gain the power to stop heaven from starting yet another apaocalypse. Cas wanted to keep the Winchesters (Dean) safe from being destroyed in a holy war after being forced to fight his brother to the death. Again, this did not go well and lead to Cas succumbing to the Leviathans’s power and dying front of Dean after losing the Winchester’s trust.

Dean took on the Mark of Cain to defeat Abaddon, the evil that made John grow up without a father. It left him torn between going on a, essentially, soulless killing spree or becoming a Knight of Hell… again.

Hell, even the way Jack came into the world was fraught with Sam lying to Dean about working with the BMoL to have the power and strength to defeat Lucifer/the nephilim. Not to mention the months of lying Cas did after he decided that Jack’s power and strength was the only way they could destroy Lucifer once and for all. Again, this ended with Cas dying in front of Dean and the BMoL trying to exterminate everyone including the American hunters.

That’s the lesson Dean is trying to instill (hypocritically, let’s be honest) to Jack here. Strength and power come at a terrible cost and if you can solve a problem without resorting to that level of fuckery that things will be better.

And, also, that if things do go bad, that Jack is family and “we look after our own.” To Dean, this is where the Old Yeller principle kicks in. It is, in a rather fucked up but well earned way, the best option he knows for making sure another one of his loved ones doesn’t fall under that monster label. That none of them end up with more blood on their hands or bringing about the end of the world, again, because of their soap opera problems.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

JACK I’m sorry.

(Jack walks towards the exit and Castiel goes to follow him)

CASTIEL Jack!

(Dean grabs Castiel’s arm)

DEAN No, hey, just – just let him go.

(Jack is walking through the woods, banging a closed fist into his hand and punching his shoulder)

JACK You keep hurting people! You keep… (Jack flashes back to all the people he has hurt with his powers – Nate, Sam, Dean, the female police officer) hurting… (flash to the male sheriff) (yelling) Why do you keep hurting people?!

(Transcript from here.)

This lesson, the lesson of power and strength not being the best answer because of the cost it comes with is not an easy one to learn. Especially when you were born as a superpowered, emotional Winchester by adoption. Life is scary when that’s the hand you’ve been dealt and using the power you have is an appealing balm to combat that fear.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

JACK (moving towards Lucifer, eyes glowing and hand outstretched)Tell me the truth!

(Lucifer’s eyes start to glow, his head tilts to the side and he starts speaking)

LUCIFER She saw me when I was scouting out the bunker. She saw me and she screamed, and then…so I crushed her skull with my bare hands. And it was warm and wet, and I liked it.

(Lucifer’s eyes return to normal and he looks confused)

JACK You’re not my father. You’re a monster.

LUCIFER (yelling) Come on, man! (Lucifer bellows so forcibly that Sam and Dean cover their ears, his eyes glowing red) Okay. I tried with you. I really tried with you.

JACK Everything you told me was a lie.

LUCIFER Because I told you what you wanted to hear, man. So what?! I killed the girl! Big deal! She’s a – she’s a human! She doesn’t matter!

JACK So am I!

LUCIFER Yeah? And that’s your problem. (pointing at Jack) You’re too much like your mother.

(Transcript from here.)

To me, this moment reads as Jack embracing that black and white Winchester thinking. He has yet (even now that’s he’s currently dead in season 15) to grasp the concept of people being morally gray. He sees himself as either embracing the monster side of himself from his bio dad or rejecting that side of himself to embrace Kelly’s human side. The side that can’t hurt people on accident. The side that makes him more like the Winchesters. Because he doesn’t want to fall under than monster label. He doesn’t want to fall under that Old Yeller principle. He doesn’t want to hurt so many people that he will have to die because neither he or anyone else can control him.

Yes, this moment is FAR more complicated than just that, but it’s definitely part of it.

14x10 - Nihilism

DEAN Sam said that one of your reapers really came through with the assist. I’m thinking that was probably you.

BILLIE Don’t tell anyone.

DEAN You broke the rules.

BILLIE I took a calculated risk. I warned you about the dangers of jumping from world to world. But you ignored me, didn’t you?

DEAN Rescuing Mom and Jack, helping out those other folks – I’d say it was worth it.

BILLIE And just look at you now. Do you remember visiting my reading room? The shelves and shelves of notebooks describing the ways you might die?

DEAN Yeah. Upbeat classics.

BILLIE Well, it’s the funniest thing, but they’ve all been rewritten. They all end the same way now – with the archangel Michael escaping your mind and using you as his vessel to burn down this world.

DEAN All of them?

BILLIE All of them. Except one.

(Billie hands Dean a book. He opens it and then looks at her, stunned)

DEAN What am I supposed to do with this?

BILLIE That’s up to you.

(Dean looks at the book again and when he looks up, Billie is gone. He looks back at the book and then looks around, a mixture of fear and confusion on his face)

(Transcript from here.)

Remember what I said about Dean being well aware of the price that has to be paid in exchange for the power and strength to defeat supposedly unbeatable enemies?

Yeah… Dean “knows” that the time has come for him to call his own bluff. The one from all the way back in 10x09 (not that he was bluffing then, but he didn’t have to take action on it then) when he asked Cas to take him out. “Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever.”

We didn’t know that was what this moment was until the next episode. But this is the moment when the Old Yeller principle went into effect again. And you can see how much it hurts Dean, how resigned and heartbroken he is over it.

14x11 - Damaged Goods

DEAN It’s a Ma’lak box. [DEAN closes the door to the box. He and SAM are standing over it.] Secured and warded. Once inside… nothing gets out, not even an archangel. Especially an archangel.

SAM Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve – I’ve read about these, but – but no one’s ever – they’re impossible to build.

DEAN Yeah, well, not so much.

SAM That’s your plan? You want to be buried alive?

DEAN Buried’s not safe enough. Plan is, pay a little hush money, charter a boat to take me out to the Pacific. Splash.

SAM You and Michael, trapped together – for eternity?

DEAN Yeah.

SAM You do realize how insane this is, right?

DEAN It’s the only sane play I’ve got. Michael gets out, that’s it for this world. And he will get out.

SAM Well, how do you know that for sure?

DEAN Because I do. Because I can feel him in my head. That door is giving. I can feel it giving.

SAM But there has to be another way.

DEAN There’s not, okay? There – Sam you’ve tried. Cas has tried. Jack… And I love you for trying. But none of it’s gonna work.

SAM We don’t know that.

DEAN Yeah, we do.

SAM What?

DEAN Billie.

SAM Billie?

DEAN She paid me a little visit. She said that there’s only one way this ends right. And this is it. This, right here, this box. So, she gave up the special recipe, and all I had to do was the work. It’s fate.

SAM Since when do we believe in fate?

DEAN Now, Sam. Since now.

(Transcript from here.)

Here is the moment. The one where Dean was at his absolute lowest. When he hit that point where resignation about his fate met having to act on his principles. 

14x12 - Prophet and Loss

DEAN Well, I will call this a win. Kinda nice. Going out on a high. SAM “Going out” being the operative phrase. DEAN Sorry. SAM “Sorry.” How sorry are you? Sorry that you fight to keep Donatello alive, but when it comes to you, you just throw in the towel? Or are you sorry that, after all these years, our entire lives, a-after I’ve looked up to you, after I’ve learned from you, I-I-I’ve copied you, I followed you to Hell and back… are you sorry that all of that it – it – it means nothing now? DEAN Who’s saying that? SAM You are, when you tell me I have to kill you. When you’re telling me that I have to just throw away everything we stand for, throw away faith, throw away family. We’re the guys who saved the world. We don’t just check out of it! [SAM pushes DEAN.] DEAN Sam, I have tried everything. Everything! I got one card left to play and I have to play it. SAM You have one card today! But we’ll find another tomorrow. But if you quit on us today, there will be no tomorrow! You tell me, uh, you don’t know what else to do. I don’t either, Dean. Not yet. But what you’re doing now, i-it’s – it’s wrong! It’s quitting! I mean, l-look what just happened. Donatello never quit fighting. So we could help him because he never gave up. [SAM moves closer to DEAN.] I believe in us, Dean. [DEAN doesn’t say anything. SAM gets angry and punches DEAN in the face.] I believe in us. [SAM tries to punch DEAN again, but he stops him.] DEAN Hey, hey, hey, hey! [SAM hugs DEAN.] SAM Why don’t you believe in us, too? DEAN Okay, Sam. Let’s go home. SAM What? [SAM pulls away from the hug.] DEAN Let’s go home. Maybe Billie’s wrong. Maybe. But I do believe in us.

(Transcript from here.)

And just like Dean predicted in 10x09, Sam was able to talk him out of sacrificing himself. How was he able to do that? By reminding Dean that they were the fucking Winchesters. They fucked with the cosmic balance constantly and always, always found another way. A way to avoid the Old Yeller principle. A way to live and fight again.

Which, they totally did, but the price of not throwing Dean into the ocean for an eternity of alone time with alt!Michael banging away in his head was their adopted child.

14x20 - Moriah

JACK: You’re not gonna lock me up again, are you?

DEAN: No.

(Dean raises the gun, aims at Jack and exhales deeply. Jack kneels down and bows his head. Dean, looking puzzled, lowers the gun and walks closer towards Jack. When he’s right in front of Jack, he aims the gun directly at his head. At this moment Sam comes speeding into the cemetery, car tires screeching. He gets out of the car and starts running towards Dean and Jack)

SAM: Dean? Dean!

JACK: (to Dean) I understand.

(Sam is still running, yelling for Dean. The music is getting more suspenseful as Dean holds his aim steady at Jack)

SAM: Dean, don’t! Dean? Dean!

JACK: I know what I’ve done.

SAM: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Dean! Hey, hey, hey! Dean!

DEAN: Stay back, Sam!

SAM: (Panting)

JACK: And you were right all along. (Chuck comes up alongside Sam) I am a monster.

SAM: (to Chuck) Do something. … You’re enjoying this.

CHUCK: Shh.

(Dramatic music plays)

(Dean cocks the gun. He looks Jack in the eye for several seconds and then slowly lowers the gun. At this point, Castiel also comes running towards the area)

(Dean uncocks the gun and tosses it to the side)

(Transcript from here.)

I have yet to rewatch this episode, but from what I remember I don’t think it had completely sunk in to Dean in that moment of choice that Chuck was there revealing that he was invested in the outcome of this showdown between Dean and Jack. In that moment, that split second of choice between following through with what he’d believed for so long for following through with an extension of the order John gave him about Sam back in the hospital back in 2x01, Dean made a choice for himself. And that choice was to believe that they’d find another way. He decided that when it came right down to it, he couldn’t kill his child for making the same bargain for power and strength that he himself had made multiple times over the last 14 seasons.

He was also directly confronted with a similar situation to that from the end of season 6 and beginning of 7 with Cas and the Leviathans, in that when it really came down to it, he wasn’t capable of murdering someone he considered family.

And then Chuck had to go and erase any chance they had in following up on that. He killed Jack so that they didn’t have a chance to find a way to help Jack balance the power he’d absorbed from destroying Michael or living without his soul.

So yeah, from where we sit now with only one episode of season 15 under our belts waiting with baited breath to see where the rest of this end of the road season takes us, it makes sense that Dean, of all people, would be in the middle of an emotional fucking collapse. And that he would be a huge, whiny, pissbaby douchebag about it because that’s the Dean Winchester way.

Does that make his behavior okay? No, of course not. But does that turn any of the rest of them into saints? Nope, of course not. And I, personally, wouldn’t have it any other way. I like that they’re flawed and fucked up and keep getting back up and going back to each other and keep trying. That’s why we’ve had 15 goddamn seasons of this. Because it’s what they do.

[cards-onthetable]

Emotional roller coaster

I just have so, so, so many feelings about last night’s episode. I’m not going to sit here and waste time onhow Maria Baez is too good for this trashcan show, or how ridiculous it is that every damn thing is a huge conflict of interest now (Erin being sent to deal with her dad re: some controversial issue? Frank saying “if I can’t get my daughter to do what I want...” or something like that? Me still watching when every scene nauseates me? Gross x 3). Today I’m just going to talk about Jamko. I went back and forth between (almost) 👀😍 and like, crying in misery every scene so join me on this emotional roller coaster of ridiculousness.

Scene: crossing paths in the precinct between shifts

OMG this scene is actually almost cute.

Eddie in a t-shirt (even if it’s pink)? Jamie in short sleeves? Omg omg 😍

“You look like a partner I used to have.” Is this... an attempt... at old style bantery Jamko?!

I can’t figure out what’s up with Jamie even after watching multiple times (thanks @jamkosarmyoftwo). He looks better/less dead than he has in a while (maybe it’s the short sleeved uniform? 👀👀) But lol his voice/inflection/line delivery is still a little off.

It feels noteworthy that not only did Eddie volunteer to be the decoy driver in this operation to catch the cab passenger — the whole operation is her idea.

A steak sandwich waiting in the fridge after a long night at work? This is like the first Real Evidence that Jamie actually loves her. Let me tell you, I’d pretty much marry anyone who feeds me after a night shift on the spot.

Eddie waving at him is cute not gonna lie. 😍😂

Sidenote: what’s the status of Jamie and Eddie’s relationship at the precinct? We know their superiors know they’re married at this point, but what about the other cops? Are we just ignoring that little detail they spent a year apparently hiding? Yes? Okay cool.

Scene: Eddie and Witten at another cab robbery

😂😂😂 someone else besides Eddie now gets to be the STEP BACK yeller! Amazing! Eddie’s moving up in the NYPD y’all.

Why is it daylight? Is it the next day after the precinct scene? What happened to these middle-of-the-night robberies? I have many questions about this, folks.

I legit cracked up when Eddie goes to check on the victim and he falls forward, dead. Is this meant to be some comic relief? Why do I watch this show?

Scene: Jamie and Eddie’s apartment

Eddie’s making Jamie dinner after he left her a steak sandwich. Again, I have questions about the sequence of these scenes... Eddie’s already had another shift so it has to be the next day right? Nothing makes sense.

I’ll try to ignore Eddie choosing to make Jamie a damn salmon (because that’s a reasonable, quick-ish weeknight dinner before rushing off to work) and apparently only making one (would she not have like, fed herself too???) because omg for a second, they’re almost cute 👀👀

I would’ve liked to see a quick little kiss when Jamie walks in like they’re some kind of normal couple but it’s whatever, I guess

“Aw, you didn’t have to do thaaaattttt!” Again with the weird inflection. Maybe this means he’s trying for something other than ugh-just-get-through-the-scene-without-dying? But lol.

Aaaaand then we go from almost-cute to cringey super fast.

Eddie asks about the decoy operation (reasonable) and then gets weirdly upset about the wrong things when Jamie updates her.

Old Eddie would easily have understood the selection of a decoy who closely resembles the victim profile. Like don’t even with me @ her getting all butthurt over not being chosen for a role where they need a male.

It bothers the fuck out of me that Eddie reacts the way she does to Jamie getting the driver job. Again, objectively, she should realize why she was passed over. And Old Eddie would not have expected Jamie to give her this ~special treatment~ she’s asking for here when she says he should have told the sergeant that she wanted that job. And... she wants it because the last scene “got to her”? And she claims Jamie’s being “overprotective”? God I hate it all.

Talk about an inappropriate ~work-life balance~ when they’re having these emotional Disagreements about work-related matters at home. Gross gross gross.

Oh we’re mentioning last year’s decoy op when Jamie jumped out of the damn bushes to save Eddie (which was totally overprotective and inappropriate)? GOOD LET’S file this away for later shall we?

Now Eddie’s basically storming out. Nice. I hate it. I feel like this ~argument~ was done completely the wrong way and I can’t take either of them seriously right now.

Scene: family dinner

SPOILER ALERT: I HATE EDDIE IN THIS SCENE TOO

Remember that time Eddie waltzed into Jamie’s apartment all “you got ESPN?” And that deleted scene where she tried to win Mets tickets? And the general idea in earlier seasons that she’s a sports fan?

SO WHY THE FUCK does she get this horrified look on her face all “that’s part of the game?!” when Sean says he hit the opposing pitcher with a pitch?

Yes dude. Payback in the form of intentionally hitting opposing players with pitches is a part of baseball. I will withhold my personal opinion on this topic but the point is, yeah, it’s a common thing in the game of baseball. So gross @ Eddie up in here acting like she’s never heard of that before and she’s all horrified by it. I don’t buy it.

“Where’d you get that, G Gordon Liddy?” Lol when I asked @ontherockswithsalt who tf G Gordon Liddy is, she was all “ASK YOUR DAD THAT’S WHO” so cool @ Eddie casually referencing this Watergate dude when she was not born yet when that went down.

0/10 I hate it.

Scene: decoy discussion after dinner

WAIT Tell me more about Jamie’s past sports gambling. 👀👀

Last time we talked about this, Eddie was pissed that Jamie was chosen instead of her and accused Jamie of being overprotective. And here she is being overprotective asking if there are any safer alternatives? 🙃 I’m tired.

Yes please Jamie. Explain to Eddie ~how the job works~. Good good.

They don’t annunciate at all in this scene and I can barely understand what they’re saying. Glad to have you back, Will “just-get-through-the-scene-without-dying” Estes.

Sidenote: Lol @ his short sleeved button down. Dad Look on point.

Scene: DECOY OP OH BOY HERE WE GO 🙃

Jamie picks up the suspected perp in broad daylight with a huge ass black van not at all discreetly following him. Nice.

Eddie anxiously listening to police radio somewhere in her own car. Nice.

“Just drive.” Lol @ everything.

By the way cabs in NY have partitions between the driver and the backseat to protect the driver so this entire premise is bullshit and they would’ve done better to make it like, Uber drivers getting whacked or something. but who cares about realism?

“What the hell are you going?” Like he’s so damn casual @ having a gun held to his head. I’m dying. 😂😂😂

OH NO THE HUGE ASS BLACK VAN LOST THE FEED. WHATEVER WILL THEY DO?! Also highkey dying @ this ridiculous graphic. 😂🙃

The fuck @ this entire car ...chase? Whatever you’d call it when Jamie is driving with his knees for blocks and blocks while holding an armed attacker at bay.

HE’S WEARING CARGO PANTS GOD SPARE ME.

EDDIE TO THE RESCUE WHAT THE FUCK?

The “find my phone app” is more reliable than NYPD technology? Nice.

And then Jamie rolls his eyes before they do this weird jerky grab-each-other thing and I hate it all.

SOME ISSUES: Eddie listening in on a police operation while off duty. Eddie using the fucking FIND MY PHONE APP to interfere with said police op. Eddie shooting a perp while off duty.

Normally this would prompt a huge ass investigation into all of Eddie’s activities, including off duty discharging her gun. This seems like very clear evidence that they can’t safely continue working out of the same precinct. Yet I’m sure there will be zero consequences and we’re just supposed to be all 😍😍 @ Eddie saving the day.

It’s all so ridiculously absurd, y’all. I can’t take this shit seriously. I mean is the show even trying anymore? When I watched this scene live last night, I literally thought “wow this is it, this is where I stop watching Blue Bloods.” And I mean that may or may not be true but like... I hate it so much.

Scene: Eddie and Jamie’s apartment again. Sitting Like This on the couch.

Lol @ this casual transition from watching a cooking show to “that’s the second time you’ve saved my life. Thanks.” 🙃🙃🙃

This discussion that “if we accept the risks for ourselves we have to accept the risks for each other” is actually a great line and it’s a thing they should’ve talked about a long time ago, way before getting married. But that doesn’t mean I’m cool with Eddie taking it on herself to be Jamie’s guardian angel (who the fuck basically calls themselves someone else’s guardian angel? 🙃) for the rest of their careers.

THIS KISS. Geez I’m not here for it. Like every kiss they’ve had since getting engaged has looked just like the 2 kisses they had before that. I need to feel something different in these married people kisses okay?

IN SUMMARY: These contrived Jamko work situations are about to get really old really fast and I need a change if I’m going to keep tolerating this bullshit on my tv every Friday night. They don’t have a healthy coping strategy re: each other’s inherent risks as cops and they don’t have a healthy coping strategy to allow them to work out of the same precinct and constantly be aware of/involved in the other’s work activities. It’s stupid from a marriage standpoint, stupid from a work and realism standpoint, and ridiculous all around. Do better, folks. I hate it.

[saywhatjessie]

Light Mange

It was Adam’s birthday. I made him and Ronan rescue his dog.

2.5k (read on on ao3)

Adam wasn’t homesick. Not really. Kind of.

Not homesick for the double wide trailer where he used to live and cower, but for one specific resident of the trailer park. A furry, four pawed resident with mange and a chunk missing from her left ear.

Thinking of her didn’t really inspire thoughts of home. He’d never really had a concept of home before the Barns. But companion sick? Maybe. He had companions, still.

“Heads up, Parrish.”

The warning came just a second too late as a goat came barreling into him, knocking him off-balance so his oblique collided with the hindquarters of the horse he’d been brushing. He released a soft ‘oof’ but otherwise recovered quickly to make sure the horse wasn’t startled.

He shouldn’t have been worried. The particular horse he was attending to was a dream thing, straight from Ronan’s head. It would take a lot more to startle such a creature.

Adam turned to Ronan, eyes narrowed but his mouth betraying just a hint of his amusement. “This is why I didn’t want to have kids with you.”

Ronan’s laugh was a firecracker – whimsical and dangerous.

There weren’t words to describe the Barns that couldn’t also be used for Ronan. They had the same spirit, the same softness, the same magic. Ronan was and wasn’t a home and a place and the Barns was and wasn’t cutting and violent and all of those things were true at the same time. Accepting that the Barns was more than Adam’s apartment at St. Agnes because it demanded so much more was what convinced Adam to let his lease run out and move in with Ronan for the summer.

Living at the Barns meant participating in chores. For Adam, at least for the first couple weeks, this meant maintaining the house and the young satyr girl living with Ronan inside of it. After Opal had grown into the idea of being ambassador to the farm animals, however, Adam had been given more responsibility on the grounds. Namely: doing whatever Opal told him the animals wanted.

Today, Mitsubishi wanted brushing.

Another goat glanced off of Adam’s shins.

“Is there a reason you’re propelling goats at me?”

Ronan shrugged, scratching under the chin of yet another goat. “You were looking pretty broody over there. So it’s like ‘Whinny for your thoughts?’”

Adam snorted. “It’s horses that whinny.”

“I can send a fucking horse at you, I just thought goats might be gentler.”

Adam laughed, hiding his face in the side of the horse.

A goat collided with the back of his knees.

“Fuck!” But he was still laughing when Ronan came up and wrapped an arm around his waist.

“For real, why are you pouting?”

Adam sighed, leaning into Ronan’s hold. “I’m not pouting,” he protested. Ronan’s thumb brushed his hip and Adam sunk deeper into his hold. “I was just thinking about Aayla.”

Ronan’s thumb stilled. “That blue chick from Star Wars?”

Adam laughed. “No! Well, yes, but my dog.” Adam shifted a bit. He didn’t like talking about the Before. “We got her when I was 10. I really liked the Clone Wars.”

Ronan grunted. “You have shit taste, Parrish.”

Adam hummed in acknowledgement.

He patted the horse on the ribs before turning in Ronan’s hold. His hand came up to cup Ronan’s elbow. “Did you ever meet her? When you would drop me off or pick me up?”

Ronan frowned, his eyebrows coming together in thought. “Did she ever take a snap at my tires?”

“Maybe.” Adam huffed a bit, an unamused laugh. “She didn’t pick up the best habits when it came to rich fuckers.”

Ronan grunted, rubbing at his jaw. It remembered well the kind of aggressive habits she might have picked up regarding rich fuckers.

“But she was a good dog” Adam continued, brushing Ronan’s jaw with his knuckle, once, before bringing his hand back down to Ronan’s arm. “It was nice having a living thing around that actually liked me.”

Ronan’s face went stony and Adam immediately regretted his cavalier words. He’d meant to help endear Ronan to his beloved mutt but all he’d done was remind Ronan of how much he hated Adam’s parents.

With a roughness that only came from years of fighting as a substitute for loving, Ronan crushed Adam against his chest, burying his cheek in Adam’s neck.

Adam was used to such aggressive displays of affection at this point but he still flinched away from the scratchy whiskers on Ronan’s face tickling the sensitive skin of his neck. Ronan deliberately rubbed the spot again with his chin and Adam laughed, shoving at him with no intent to actually push him away.

“We’re going to get that fucking dog.”

Adam did actually pull away this time. “What? Ronan–”

“Hey, everything in this house loves you, but if I can add something else to the ‘I love Adam Parrish’ party, you damn well bet I’m gonna.”

 The plan was this: Ronan didn’t have a plan.

That wasn’t entirely fair – Ronan had dreamt a scouting light that would go check to see if the Parrishes were home before they went in and grabbed Aayla. They would have asked to borrow Robobee for the mission but Henry was still off with Blue and Gansey exploring the greater mysteries of the world. And, according to Ronan, ‘Why would I need Cheng’s bee? I can dream something way cooler.’

Adam wasn’t sure if a floating light that would change color to tell them if it was safe or not was in any way ‘cooler’ but that wasn’t an argument he was willing to have right now.

They were waiting at the end of the dirt road that led into the cluster of double-wides. Adam’s eyes kept skipping around to the lights in the surrounding field, each time feeling disappointed that is was just an ordinary firefly.

Ronan grimaced at the front window, hands gripping the steering wheel in a chokehold of anxiety. His eyes never wavered.

Adam reached out and put a steadying hand on Ronan’s knee.

“You know,” he started, Henrietta accent buoying the vowels in his speech, making them shallow and twangy, “these fireflies are really romantic.”

He picked at the loose thread in the hole in Ronan’s jeans. “If we weren’t on a secret mission, we could be makin’ out right now.”

Ronan snorted, the sound seemingly startled out of him. “Like I need manufactured ambience to get you to make out with me, Parrish.”

Adam slid closer, the edge of his butt slipping off the seat and into the center console.

He nuzzled his face into Ronan’s neck. “It just seems a shame to waste it is all.”

He kissed the bolt of Ronan’s jaw. Ronan’s breath hitched.

But then, “There!”

There was another light floating toward them above the grass, clearly other from the fireflies that had set the mood. It was flying directly toward them, not in the dip and sway way of most insects but smooth like it was being pulled on a line.

It was also pulsing bright purple.

“Why purple?”

Ronan turned toward him. Adam could still make out his expression of disappointed disgust from two inches away. “What, you wanted it to be green? This is supposed to be a secret mission.”

Adam rolled his eyes and slid into back his seat as Ronan put the car in gear.

It was still early evening, not yet so dark that they couldn’t get away with driving without headlights. Ronan eased the bmw down the dirt road as stealthily as he could manage.

It didn’t make much difference that they were trying to be covert. Everyone in Adam’s old neighborhood knew this car. They knew this was the car of the boy who beat the shit out of Robert Parrish. They knew that this was the car Robert Parrish’s son drove back in only a month or so ago. They suspected the owner of the car’s relationship to Adam. They might have suspected that the car being back meant nothing good.

But, like all those years when Adam got hit and no one called the cops, they kept their heads down and minded their own business like good Virginia folk.

Ronan did a k-turn in front of the double wide, nose of the car facing back toward the road in case they needed to make a quick getaway. Adam had half-expected Aayla to have met them up the road, snapping at Ronan’s tires. That would have made everything easier.

If they could pull up to the trailer and she hadn’t yet come out to greet them, that meant she was inside.

“Fuck,” he said. Ronan rubbed his knee.

Adam didn’t think the trailer was locked but he had a spare key if it was. Robert Parrish held close to the mentality that no one would ever want to fuck with him and his things so he would leave his house open as a show of dominance. Really, he had nothing worth taking.

Nothing except the dog. Which Adam was actually there to take.

The screen door creaked alarmingly when it was opened and Adam tried not to flinch. He trusted Ronan’s dream-light, he knew no one was home, but that sound had for so many years been the split-second warning between Robert Parrish returning home and Adam having his teeth knocked in. Tensing up was just sense memory.

A hand clapped down on Adam’s shoulder and he did flinch.

It was only Ronan.

“Didn’t we agree you were going to stay in the car?”

Ronan smiled, cutting. “You shouldn’t put a skittish dog in a strange car with someone she doesn’t know. I’m going to let her know me first.”

Adam sighed. It was as good a reason as any but Adam suspected Ronan had ulterior motives.

Ronan didn’t want Adam coming back into the trailer alone.

He hadn’t wanted him to after graduation either but Adam hadn’t given him a choice back then. He didn’t think he’d given Ronan a choice now but here Ronan was.

Adam sighed.

He made his way to his old room, sure if Aayla was anywhere, she was there.

He knew she wouldn’t have come out when she heard the door open. She’d been trained out of that after the first few kicks she’d received as a puppy.

“Quit yapping, bitch. What, you tryin’ to trip me? You stay out of my face or I’ll take you out back and shoot you, you ain’t better than old yeller.”

Adam turned the corner and found the door to his old bedroom open. The room had been stripped, whatever Adam hadn’t taken with him probably sold and turned into beer. The only thing left was the bed that had come with the trailer, naked of bedclothes and the resting place of dirty animal, just waking.

Adam grinned, unrestrainedly, as he came up to cup her doggy head. “Hi, baby.”

Her tail started thumping before she’d even gotten a good look at Adam, responding to his gentle hands and soft words. Adam guessed she hadn’t received such affection since he’d left.

She started whining and hopping up and he sat down on the bed, allowing her to lick all over his face. “I know! I know!” he whispered, laughing, attempting to pet her into quietness. “I know, sweetheart, I missed you too. I hated leaving you here.”

Aayla curled into his lap, despite being just too big to quite fit. She squirmed and craned her neck to give Adam that many more kisses. Adam let her, hugging her close and bringing his own face down to kiss any part of her body he could reach.

When he finally looked up, he found Ronan leaning on the door frame, a complicated mix of emotions on his face. First and foremost, there was tenderness.

“Aayla, honey,” he gestured for Ronan to come forward. “This is Ronan.”

Ronan reached out a hand, palm up, for Aayla to sniff. She sniffed once before licking, trailer her tongue up Ronan’s wrist before turning back to Adam and licking his hair.

“Well looks like that’s something you didn’t have to worry about, Lynch.”

Ronan laughed, bringing his now slimy hand up to pet at the mutt’s head. “We’re gonna have to treat her mange, you know. I can’t have her spreading it to the other animals.”

Adam nodded, his head nuzzling Aayla’s ears. “I’m not worried. My boyfriend’s a farmer, he’s really good at caring for broken things.”

Ronan cuffed him on the head then immediately leaned down to kiss it.

Adam let himself enjoy it for three beats of his heart. Here, in this bed, in this room, in this double-wide, he’d always sat up and wanted exactly this. Someone who loved him, a loyal pet, a future he could hold with both hands.

The beats passed. Adam missed the Barns.

“We should go.”

Ronan nodded, gripping Adam extra tight before releasing him and backing out of the room.

“Hey, Aayla, you’re gonna come with me now, okay?”

Aayla just kept wagging her tail, trying to lick whatever part of Adam she could reach.

“Okay, girl, follow me.”

As soon as Adam stood up from the bed, Aayla shot out down the hallway. Adam jogged after her, laughing. Ronan held the front door open and she breached the night air, her tongue lolling out in a puppy smile, before, with no warning, her hackles raised and she started growling.

She’d spotted the BMW.

Everyone in Adam’s old neighborhood knew this car.

Adam rushed forward and crouched in front of her. “It’s okay! It’s okay! This is the car that’s going to take us away! We’re getting out of here, huh? Right?”

“Adam.”

Adam looked up. Ronan’s face and shoulders were tense. He was looking over Adam’s head to the top of the BMW. The light was flashing yellow.

“Shit.”

He looked back to Ronan who nodded and tore off to round the car. He jumped in the driver’s seat and turned the car on. Aayla started barking at the growl of the engine.

“No! No. Shh, shhh.” Adam could see headlights. “I love you, please don’t bite me.”

He wished he’d thought to have a blanket when he picked up this squirming dog, at least to spare his exposed arms from her claws as she squirmed. But he didn’t have time to dig for one in the trunk. The headlights were getting closer.

The passenger door swung wide as Ronan pushed it open from the inside. Adam collapsed in the seat, holding Aayla close and shushing her even while she continued to bark.

“Go!”

Ronan wasn’t used to dirt roads. He started off the mark as if he were street racing and the wheels spun out a bit underneath him before he slowed the car down enough for them to get traction.

Once he had the forward momentum he kept it. They did not pause as they passed Robert Parrish’s truck. They did not slow down when he tried to run them off the road. Ronan was a good driver: he swerved then kept on driving.

They burst onto the main road and Aayla stopped barking. She whined, she curled up close in Adam’s lap, she cried.

Adam didn’t stop stroking her. Petting her. “It’s okay, we’re gonna be okay.”

It was okay.

They were going to be okay.