#like idk how accurate it is to actual aro experiences

[halfdeadwallfly]

how much of my perpetual and intense longing for a romantic relationship is really just a need for emotional closeness + me being touch starved, rather than actually wanting whatever romance is

anyway i'm thinking about QPRs again

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I'm Aromantic or more accurately I guess I would say I'm Cupioromantic

And I have an interesting relationship with romance that I feel kind of alienates me from other aros

I rlly like watching romance movies and reading romance stories and stuff, but I've noticed I only really like romance when it's strictly about romance

Like I'm not super fond of there being romance in my fantasy adventure stuff, but I love watching romance in rom coms if you feel me?

But I actually do like romance in other stuff, just when it's not really there. Like just subtle hints to relationships and crushes and then they get on with the story

But I really like shipping, I do alot of shipping and I think it's because I like to portray the relationships how I want them and not how they are in their media because that's likely how allonormative society views them and made them

But that's why alot of other aros I feel don't really get me and don't like that I'm so into shipping

Or people doubt that I'm aro in the first place

Probably doesn't help that I have a girlfriend lol

But im very confident in my identity and know for a fact I don't feel romantic attraction at the very least not like most people

Idk where this was going

Kinda went off the rails towards the end

Ig I just wanted to rant a bit

Yeah, I know I say this a lot, but it's important to remember aromantic /= not romantic, it's a spectrum, and while some aros are very non-romantic, lots of aros are still romantic in some ways, or still interact with romance in some ways. It's just different than alloromantic people.

I think it's a problem with how modern social medias tend to work though, certain narratives tend to rise to the top and sometimes even become the narrative, and you don't see the diversity that's necessarily there. But that just means it's more beneficial than ever to share different experiences.

Thanks for sharing, Anon! All the best!

[tea-and-secrets]

I sent in a different secret that was like. A long ass vent about my job. But here's another one bc I feel like I'm going insane

So I'm in a long term relationship, highschool sweethearts. It's adorable, we're adorable. We're basically the good-ending soap opera established relationship fanfic couple. We talk about our problems, we have almost the exact same principals, we spend almost every day together, it's amazing. When you think about the most devoted couple you know, it's us, kinda thing. We're also both aro-- I'm aroallo, they're aro/ demiace.

I also have a crush on one of my best friends.

It's something my boyfriend and I have talked about. I made it clear at some point in our relationship that I was interested in non-monogamy, called it polyamory at the time but that's not necessarily accurate either. It's not that I want a full-fledged equal parts dating multiple people thing. I just have realized that there's aspects of my identity I'd like a chance to explore that I can't within our relationship. They weren't super big on non-monogamy before, but we're at a point where it's something we're able to discuss and plan around and explore the idea of, even if we've never done it before.

Anyways. Basically I've been trying to deal with this stupid weird aromantic but romantic crush on my friend who I met like. A little less than a year ago now but have found attractive the whole time, and they are so fucking awkward and oblivious to it and I'm going insane. And on top of that we're trying to wade through this relationship style as a couple when there's not really any like. Guide or advice. And god-forbid we tell anyone else around us what's going on because we live in Small Town, Midwest America.

So it's basically like. Regular stupid crush feelings and insecurities compounded by struggling with identity and sexuality stuff compounded by navigating a relationship we have no basis or experience with compounded by being in a not accepting or open minded area compounded by only being fucking 19 and doing all the other shit in my life that makes me feel like I'm just being thrown around in a pinball machine with no control over anything that happens to me.

Idk. This is all very dramatic and teenager and whatever but also it quite literally keeps me up at night. I'm at a point with it where my biggest fear is actually telling my crush-friend that I want to kiss them so bad it makes me physically sick to my stomach, because I don't know how well i'd take a rejection after everything else. I mean, I'd be fine of course, because they're my friend and that's more important to me than anything else I have going on, but fuck. Fuck.

So anyways if anyone wants to weigh in on this absolutely ridiculous feeling predicament I've wedged myself into, feel free, because I have no fucking idea how to handle this !! Fuck !!

.

[casualbuttercupblog]

about your post "shiping an aro/ace man with no regard(...)" post

I wanna start writing for Alastor but I don't really know what an aro/ace relationship looks like. Frankly (and this may sound stupid), I started re-watching all Ghibli movies bc if someone knows how to write meaningful platonic stuff is Mayazaki! Aside from that, to a certain extent, I think a relationship with him could be summarized as "more than friends, less than lovers" BUT idk if that's accurate, I still feel a bit insecure because I'm not aro/ace myself and wouldn't want to upset anyone. Would you happen to have any advice? :)

Ah, okay, I can only speak from my experience, and I'm not the only aromantic person in the world. And I am not ace, I'm pan. But I can try.

Aromantic is defined as "feeling little to no romantic attraction." I'm married. My husband is more of my best friend than anything, I feel very little romantic attraction, but he's one person that I have that tiny little kernel of romantic attraction in my heart for.

So yea! Your concept actually works really well. I would focus more on the platonic aspects of their relationship and why they enjoy being around eachother. What makes them want to do this?

For example, my husband is a hopeless romantic, and I want him to be happy. So, with a lot of the romantic things he wants, I do them because it makes him happy. From what I know about the ace community, some of them feel the same way about sex. I'd ask an ace blog if you can.

I hope this helped, but basically, focus on the friendship between the pairing. And why Alastor does things, is it because he has something to gain? Or does he just care about this person and want to see them happy. And remember, I'm not the only aro person in the world. My experience isn't the end all be all. We're all pretty friendly, tho!

[many-gay-magpies]

5, 8, 19 for the dbd ask game! xoxo

aaaa thank you so much for asking!! most of this has been put under a cut because apparently i had a lot to say hdhfjfbfb

5. Which character do you relate to the most?

i think out of the main cast, i relate most to niko, but i also relate somewhat to kashi—and i mean, the night nurse said they were alike, so that makes a kind of sense XD.

niko reminds me specifically of a version of myself i USED to be, or like, one that's lying dormant. she's awkward and reclusive and extremely literal with her language, and once someone takes her out of her box she's super friendly, but she doesn't know how to get HERSELF out of the box, so she needs a friend who openly and unashamedly enjoys her presence and invites her along to things (like edwin!). i'm getting better with socializing, but that definitely reminds me of MYSELF with the whole social vampire thing of, like, i wont interact with you in depth unless you invite me first. she also has a lot of knowledge about random and frequently creepy things (see "long pig"), which i relate to on a spiritual level, AND she has an incredibly bright and exuberant fashion sense, which i feel is the case for me as well. ALSO!! aro niko is basically canon as far as im concerned, and idk if thats because its actually viable; because i, an aro, projected onto her way too hard; or both of those things. honestly, it's kind of a surprise i'm not more obsessed with her, but maybe this is exactly WHY i'm not. her character's already familiar to me because i grew up with her in my head.

as for kashi, it's more like. specifically his view of his life and past experiences? like, the way he goes "really im not sure i HAVE any trauma" and night nurse goes "YOU WERE SWALLOWED BY A GIGANTIC FISH" and he smiles all wistful and goes "ah, one of life's many adventures!". even when i have bad experiences don't necessarily enjoy them in the moment, there's a part of my brain that's like. yes!! negative emotion!! so refreshing and fun!! this is evidence that we are human!! this is a symptom of life!! yes!! how joyous!! like i was a fucking alien in a past life or something and the little alien remains of my soul are so utterly fascinated by every aspect of human existence, whether its grim and painful or fun and full of love. so. me and kashi 🤝🤝🤝

8. A headcanon you have (that you havent seen talked about yet)!

idk if this counts as me not seeing it be talked about yet because the whole thing that SPURNED this headcanon was seeing someone offhandedly mention that crystal would probably be good at drawing due to having rich artist parents, but i imagine crystal being kind of an artist herself (and in fact ive written 2k words of fic about it! its on the backburner at the moment tho). her fashion sense is very reminiscent of the way an art kid would dress (see: ME), and it just feels like it makes SENSE given her parents' profession and how she might have been raised, growing up around art. i also feel like little kid crystal, seeing how much attention her parents gave to the OTHER artists in their installations, might have tried to gain their attention for herself by getting really good at art, before she realized the problem wasn't anything she was or wasn't doing; it was just her (or, more accurately, it was the fact that her parents were neglectful pieces of shit who probably never should have had a child).

19. Favourite actor from the show?

i don't really get into the actors of shows on a personal level, although i do love watching behind the scenes and interviews of them just goofing off and having a good time, so for this question—i don't really know? george rexstrew seems like a very nice and down-to-earth person, and jayden just seems cool and fun(ny), but they're all pretty much just guys (gender neutral) to me.

if we're talking acting... man idk, they're all so good. this being george's first onscreen role out of theater school is fucking amazing, he absolutely killed it, and the sheer DEDICATION is awe-inspiring (i think i read that he actually took ballet classes to help him walk and move like edwin?). all jayden's micro-expressions and actingchoices as charles blow me out of the fucking water, and kassius made crystal feel so real and genuine, and... yeah, i could go on XD.

[raedas]

hey i was just wondering how you figured out you were aro?? no pressure if you’re uncomfortable sharing of course ! but i’m kind of questioning and i thought maybe hearing other people’s experiences might help. and also i was in a relationship for almost a year so that’s probably somewhat significant and additionally complicating ahaha <333

hey anon!! first and foremost good luck with figuring everything out <33 i know at least for me, questioning can be a long and hard and typically ongoing process, but we'll make it through :] i'm gonna stick the rest of my answer beneath the read more bc im getting the sense im gonna go on for a bit FGDHLKSFAJ

one of the biggest things for me that i think is necessary to preface everything is that i've never really had an "oh" moment like some people talk about. there's never been a moment where i saw a label or a flag and was 100% sure i fit into that box, its more like... years worth of questioning and then the internal meter in my head slowly ticking over. like, when i was figuring out i was queer, i maybe started questioning in like... fifth grade you could say? but it started as more of a "oh im definitely not but like What if" and then gradually began to tick more and more towards "oh i think i might not be cishet" to eventually when i hit the... idk, 80% or 90% certainty mark it was more of a "fuck it, im queer" feeling. there's always going to be that bit of doubt for me, i think, and coming to terms with being aro was very similar for me in that regards

another thing is i was ALSO in a relationship for almost a year, and that's during the time when i was coming to terms with being aro/arospec, which im sure you can imagine was an Experience. i do think being in a relationship was the best thing for me trying to figure out i was aro though, bc i definitely got that sense of Wrongness of trying to think of myself as existing in a romantic relationship. like, when i thought of myself as having a romantic partner, it always felt a bit like i was playing at a part and acting like i had romantic feelings more than i actually did. of course that came with.. a lot of me trying to ignore my own feelings and feeling guilty about it up until i broke up with my now ex (this is like the funniest inside joke ever to us now dw) so that's where i was coming from w/ my experiences

i also began to realize that like, whenever i try to imagine myself in a romantic relationship, its always in some ambiguous future like 10 or so years down the line, which completely distances myself from the idea. i have no idea what a romantic relationship with someone would look like for me, it was just this idea of "yeah, someday in an ambiguous future ill have a romantic relationship with someone and we'll cook together and hug each other and have fun" until i realized that i don't actually want a romantic relationship, and also that... none of those things that i actually envisioned are exclusive to a romantic relationship. in my life ive had a grand total of 2 crushes, both of which were/are queerplatonic but also like... if i imagine having an Actual relationship its just stressful to me and not even really appealing, despite the fact that i have a crush on them.

one of the most important things im coming to terms is that its okay if im wrong, its okay if however many years down the line i find out that im actually entirely allo and fall in love with someone. like i said i dont know if ill ever be 100% confident in my own labels especially with the whole issue of "how do you prove a negative". for now, though, calling myself aro is something that makes me happy and feels, most of the time, accurate. another really important thing i think is that aromanticism is entirely a spectrum. you could be aromantic or arospec in a billion different ways*, or you could be none of them, and thats okay too <333 good luck with everything anon i hope hearing about my experiences helped a bit :]

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

ok long rant abt attraction incoming bc i am Slightly confused

i know everyone is different but how often do people usually get crushes ? is there some sort of average ? and what abt vague romantic feelings that dont really develop into actual crushes ? do those happen a lot more often ?

like i know that sexual attraction is smthg that happens fairly regularly for allos (???) but what abt romantic attraction ? sometimes i wonder if maybe im a bit grayro but the only reference point i have is my best friend who seems to feel romantic attraction more than i do but idk ??

and then theres that whole thing of "looking for someone" or "dating around" or whatever they call it. how tf do ppl do that. is that based on sexual attraction ? like "oh youre hot maybe ill develop feelings too lets give it a shot", or do ppl actually just,,, meet someone at a bar and think "yup ! im feeling a connection !" and what abt blind dates ???

idk i dont get it. i dont think i could do that, i have to wait till i get a crush / catch feelings first, but then again, actions dont equal attraction right ? like just bc someone doesnt have casual flings doesnt mean theyre demiace, so itd probably work the same for romantic attraction ? not dating like that doesnt mean im aro

but then again, how often does romantic attrcation happen anyways ?

Bestie bestie bestie calm down okay i’ll try and explain this as best as I can

Anyways since i seem to be the local alloro everyone’s coming to with attraction confusion I’ll try my best to explain why my fellow allos seem to act so confusingly sjdjfjfjg

I started developing crushes on people vaguely around 5th grade. They were generally pretty vague and faded within a few weeks/months, then I didn’t experience romantic attraction again until pretty much high school—I’ve had like, two genuine crushes on people, a few vague things on random people or fictional characters, celebrities, etc. I’ve found that as I grow older romantic attraction becomes more intense.

This is nowhere near an accurate statistic, but judging from both my experiences and other alloro friends, I’d say experiencing the average for romantic attraction (at least for those my age, high school ish) would be around 3 to 7 times a year?

Like I’ve had two genuine (gone on for months, could not stop thinking about them) crushes this year, and like four or five vagueuish crushes on just random people or fictional characters etc. My alloro friends generally have the same amount with a few more vagueish or fictional crushes.

So yeah I’d say that seems to be the norm around the alloros I know?

Yeah vageuish feelings are more common than genuine romantic crushes and shit, they happen a lot more often and generally fade after a few weeks/months and aren’t that intense tbh

Idk shit about sexual attraction but yeah it apparently happens pretty regularly for allosexuals

Oh yeah that looking for someone or dating around is often not based on actual romantic feelings and shit. It happens for many reasons, like either amatonormativity convincing people they need partners, sexual attraction, just hoping to hook up, but yeah it’s not really based on romantic attraction since it Very Rarely happens that instantaneously.

Yeah it is based on sexual attraction a lot of the time!

Yeah that does happen sjdjfjf. I don’t know how to explain it it’s like you meet someone and you’re immediately like hi hello i didn’t know you five minutes ago will u marry me tho. Like that “feeling a connection” does happen, though it’s kinda rare and not very frequent. Sometimes you just platonically get along with somebody as well and you’re like “might turn romantic let’s give it a shot!”

Blind dates I don’t know since I don’t really care for them, a lot of people are just like “why not I have nothing better to do” or “hopefully I’ll find someone I like!”

Tbh I couldn’t do that either mate, like it seems weird af to like Actively Look For Dates. Like if I meet someone cool or an instantaneous connection then yeah might ask em out but like looking for dates?? Yeah no thanks my man

Yeah actions =/= attraction! It does work the same for romantic attraction!

Read this, this, and look through my #aromantic questioning tag! And here’s a list of arospec identities!

Try following aro blogs and read aro stories, talk to aros and learn about their experiences, see if you relate!! And remember the entire queer community is here for you and we support you kay?

Tbh my advice is try on the label!! Say “Im aro” and see how it feels!!

Hope I could help you out, lmk if you have any more questions, and have a great day/night :D

[catrasredemption-moved]

oh, thanks for answering, it’s appreciated. mood on the bit about men. rn i’m confused bc i identify as aroace and a lesbian, and basically me being aro is like “it’s cool if i don’t have a relationship, it’d be cool if i have one” either way it don’t matter much, nor would i be opposed to dipping into more birds and bees teritory w a woman, but idk about the actual act itself. As for men, bunch less interest and i don’t think i’d want to go further than hand holding or light kissing which just-

I have two bi friends (real story, I have two friends). One of them (a woman) is only sexually attracted to women, but would never want a relationship with one. The other (NB) is only attracted to men's voices, especially singing voices. Bi comes in all flavors, and anyone who tries to push you to accept One Certain Thing doesn't have your best interests at heart and is Wrong, quite honestly. Bi is bi, it doesn't matter if your feelings tilt more in one direction than in another. Like:

this obviously is extremely simplified and something I made in two minutes (the last one is supposed to me trans men, and I think NB got cut off which is rude), but the point is basically that my attraction is split up a lot, and men get VERY little of it.

The idea of bi being an even split is SUPER out of date, and anyone who says otherwise is... wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's your life, you choose how you identify your experiences and what - if any - labels you want to use. There really aren't any wrong answers. (I mean don't start IDing as trans if you're not trans, but you know what I'm getting at.)

((That chart is going to get me in so much trouble I can already tell lol. Remember, it's not an ACCURATE depiction of what goes on in my head, just a simplified representation))

[thedreadvampy]

Hey Ruth! I noticed you've talked in the past about asexuality in quite a negative manner. As an ace-person (who has received backlash for it) I was wondering: do you still uphold these opinions?

Hey! I have in the past said I don’t really...like people popping up in my ask box asking me My Opinion On Asexuality, but I do appreciate you asking me as someone I kinda know and with your face turned on, so I’m gonna aim to answer in the macro. Though I mean it depends on what the opinions...are? I have had a lot of opinions over the time I’ve had this blog and I don’t necessarily know what all of them were or which ones have concerned you. I can give you a top-level view of how I see my views, though (however, since I have been largely holding off on answering this kind of ask for Literally A Year Now this is less an answer to your specific question and more an answer to the last year of asks)

(also if I get dogpiled in my inbox for Having Bad Asexuality Opinions which I do every time I talk about asexuality regardless of what I actually say then. my phone is broken I won’t know about it :) so I feel untouchable)

I don’t think I hold a negative opinion of asexuality as an identity (I say I don’t think bc we all have blind spots)? I have a lot of very important people in my life who are asexual, aromantic or aroace and. I mean it feels pretty condescending to say ~uwu it’s valid~ bc like. ace and aro people don’t really need my input to validate their identity. but a) it seems like a pretty accurate way to describe their experience and b) I know a lot of them have had a really huge boost from finding a name and community to fit their experience and have found that really helpful, and I’ve seen that make a huge difference in people’s lives and I’m really happy to watch my friends come to understand themselves and feel comfortable and accepted in a part of themselves they had felt really alienated or stigmatised by. In a broader sense, I think there’s huge value in decentralising romance and sex in our assumptions of What Human Happiness Means and for some people that’s not the most important thing, and for some it’s just not interesting. 

So like. I find it difficult to really express these opinions in any meaningful way because my opinion on asexuals and aromantics is much like my opinion on trans people or idk like people of colour. like very obviously those people exist and very obviously those people don’t deserve to be marginalised or stigmatised but it would feel. weird and performative to just make a post saying like “Asexuality Is Good And Valid, I Am Pro It” bc again like. who needs my permission or cares about my opinion. it’s not a Good Thing To Do it’s just. a thing you are that shouldn’t be treated as a bad thing.

however. and I suspect that this is what you’re referring to. while I love and appreciate ace and aro people, I think building communities and active support for ace and aro people is valuable and needed and, as above, I think Asexuality Is Good And Valid I Am Pro It, I do take some issue with elements of how discussions around asexuality are framed online (pretty much only online, I really haven’t run into the kind of black-and-white thinking in in-person queer spaces) 

and I also. think there are some issues with people extrapolating their experience of their own sexuality onto the world in a way which. I’m just going to say a lot of the time when I talk about The Ace Discourse in a negative way it’s around people assuming that the world is split into a binary between ace and allo people, or assuming that only aspec people experience a nuanced or complex or fluid relationship to their sexuality while pigeonholing allosexuality into a pretty flat image of sex and romance focus. and I have always felt like this does a massive disservice not just to people who don’t identify with aspec labels, but also to the general hope that we could work against the expectation that there’s a Standard Amount To Value Sex/Romance - I think that the assumption that there are aspec people and then Everyone Else Has The Normal Type and Level of Attraction just. reinforces the idea that there’s a “Normal” type and level of attraction. which is ultimately pretty self-defeating and also just. observably untrue. 

and this division of the world into Aspec People and Allo People also has some other weird knockon effects - I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with identities like gray ace or demi or other aspec labels beyond asexual and aromantic, but I do think that the way those labels are used is often. unhelpful. and they’re defined in such personal, subjective ways that you get weirdnesses sometimes like people Diagnosing Each Other With Demisexual or people saying ‘you can’t talk about this experience you share because it’s an Aspec Experience’ and again. there isn’t a concrete material experience there because the whole experience of romantic and sexual attraction, what that feels like and how sharply divisible it is is very, very personal and subjective. and everyone has different experiences of those and will name those experiences differently.

there’s also. historically a minority of Big Ace Blogs that kind of sneer at allosexuality or who would hijack posts about other issues to derail them to asexuality. but I don’t think they were ever representative of the community as a whole and I certainly think that inasmuch as those blogs remain around they’re a legacy of the Long-Ago (and a lot of them are trolls imo)

but there is. an issue I take that does seem to be more currently live which is the question of allo privilege. I think personally that framing all allosexuals/alloromantics as privileged over all aspec people on the basis of feeling sexual/romantic attraction is provably untrue in a world where people, particularly queer people, are actively oppressed and marginalised for expressing non-normative sexuality. it isn’t that I don’t think asexuality and aromanticism isn’t marginalised and stigmatised, because it visibly is, but it seems pretty reductive to boil it down to a binary yes/no privilege when both sexualisation and desexualisation are so actively tied into other forms of marginalisation (this is what I was trying to express in the argument about Martin a while ago - sex and sexuality are so often disincentivised for fat, queer, disabled and neuroatypical people that it doesn’t...feel like a reclamation that those tend to be the characters that get fanonised as ace where slim, straight, able-bodied and neurotypical characters aren’t. like it’s more complex than a binary privilege equation; sex and romance are incentivised and stigmatised differently at the intersection of oppressions and. for example. in a world where gay conversion therapy and religious oppression of gay and SGA people is so often focused specifically on celibacy and on punishing the act of sexual attraction, I don’t think it’s a reasonable framing to say that a gay allosexual man has privilege over an aroace man on the basis of his attraction) 

so those are like. things I would consider myself to feel actively negative about in online discourse (and again. in online discourse. not in how I relate to asexuality or aromanticism or aspec identities in general but in the framing and approaches people take towards discussing it in a very specific bubble).

but also. um. the main criticism I have of the online discourse culture of asexuality is that there are things I don’t have experience of that I have mentioned, when asked, that I don’t personally understand the meaning of but I don’t need to understand them to appreciate that they’re useful/meaningful to others. things like 

the difference between QPRs, asexual romantic relationships and close friendships

how you know the difference between romantic attraction and friendship

the distinction between sexual attraction and a desire to have sex with someone for another reason

and I hope I’ve generally been clear that this is. honest lack of understanding and not condemnation. I personally have a very muddled sense of attraction and often have difficulty identifying the specifics of any of my own emotional needs so like. it’s a closed book for me at the moment, how you would identify the fine distinctions between types of want when I’m still at step 1: identify That You Want Something Of Some Sort, Eventually, Through Trial And Error. but I think I’ve always been explicit that this isn’t a value judgement it’s just a gap in my own knowledge and yet. every single time I’ve said anything other than enthusiastic “yes I understand this and I love it and it’s good and valid” (and again. I have not gone out of my way to talk about it I have mostly only mentioned it because people keep asking me to talk about it) I have got a massive rush of anger and accusations of aphobia and “just shut up if you don’t know what you’re talking about but also answer my 30 questions to prove you think Correct Things about asexuality” and. I understand that this comes from a place of really unpleasant and aggressive backlash towards the ace community so it’s a sensitivity with a lot of people but like. it doesn’t seem proportional.

also I feel like ever since I hit like 700 followers my Tumblr life has been a constant cycle of people asking me Are You An Ace Inclusionist Are You An Exclus Are You An Aphobe Justify Your Opinion On Asexuality which. eventually yeah I’ve got pretty snippy about the whole thing. but you know. fuck it I’m just gonna lay it out and if you or anyone else is uncomfortable following me based on those opinions then I’m sorry to hear that and I will be sad to see you not want to engage with me any more but I also think that’s absolutely your prerogative. however I will not be taking questions at this time (and not just bc my phone’s broken) - demands for an argument about this Are Going To Be Ignored so if you want to go then go.

so like the big question I reckon is Do You Think Asexuality Is Queer and

yes. no. maybe. I don’t understand the question what does it mean for an identity to be queer? 

there are spaces and conversations where any form of aromanticism or asexuality makes sense as a relevant identity. talking about hegemonic expectations of normative romance. building community. combatting the idea that heterosexual missionary married sex between a man and a woman is the only rewarding or valuable form of relationship or intimacy.

there are spaces where I think heterosexual aros/heteromantic cis aces don’t. have a more meaningful or direct experience of the issues than allo cishets. because while being aro or ace or aspec has a direct impact on those people on a personal and relational level, disclosure is largely a choice, and the world at large sees them as straight. they don’t have the lived experience of being visibly nonconforming that SGA people and aroace people do. they may still be queer but there’s a lot of conversations where they bring a lot of the baggage of being Straight People (because. even if you’re ace or aro you can still be straight in your romantic or sexual attraction and if your relationships are all outwardly straight then you don’t necessarily have an intimate personal understanding of being marginalised from mainstream society by dint of your sexuality). this doesn’t make you Not Queer in the same way that being a bi person who’s only ever been in m/f relationships is still queer, but in both cases a) you don’t magically have a personal experience of societal oppression through the transitive properties of Being Queer and b) it’s really obnoxious to talk as if you’re The Most Oppressed when other people are trying to have a conversation about their lived experience of societal oppression. and they’re within their rights to say ‘we’re talking about the experience of being marginalised for same gender/non-heterosexual attraction and you’re straight, could you butt out?’)

(I very much object to the assumption coming from a lot of exclus that “cishet ace” is a term that can reasonably be applied to non-orientated aroace people though. het is not a default it really extremely doesn’t make sense to treat people who feel no attraction as Straight By Default. when I were a lad I feel like we mostly understood “asexual” to mean that identity - non-orientated aroace - and while I think it’s obvious that a lot of people do find value in using a more split-model because. well. some people are both gay/straight/bi and aro/ace, and it’s good that language reflects that. but I do think it’s left a gap in the language to simply refer to non-attracted people. this isn’t a criticism of anything in particular - there’s a constant balancing act in language between specificity and adaptability and sometimes a gain for one is a loss for the other)

some queer conversations and spaces just. aren’t built with aces in mind. and that isn’t a flaw. some spaces aren’t built with men in mind, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be queer. some conversations are about Black experiences of queerness but that doesn’t mean non-Black people can’t be queer. not all queer spaces will focus on ace needs but that doesn’t mean asexuality isn’t queer, or that queerness is opposed to aceness - sex, sexuality, romance and dating are all really important things to a lot of queer people, especially those whose sexuality and romantic relationships are often stigmatised or violently suppressed in wider society. there should be gay bars, hookup apps, gay and trans friendly sex education, making out at Pride, leather parades and topless dyke marches and porn made by and for queer people, romantic representation in media of young and old gay, bi and trans couples kissing and snuggling and getting married and saying sloppy romantic things. and there should be non-sexual queer spaces, there should be discussions around queerness that don’t suppose that a monogamous romantic relationship is what everyone’s fighting for, sex ed should be ace inclusive, etc. 

I think the whole question of inclusionism vs exclusionism is based on a weird underlying assumption that If An Identity Is Queer All Queer Spaces Should Directly Cater To That. like. aspec identities can be queer and it can be totally reasonable for there to be queer spaces that revolve around being sexual and romantic and there can be conversations it’s not appropriate or productive to centre asexuality and aspec experiences in and we can recognise that not all queer people do prioritise or have any interest in sex or romance. in the same way that there’s value in centring binary trans experiences sometimes and nonbinary experiences at other times but both of those conversations should recognise that neither binary or nonbinary gender identity is a Universal Queer Experience.

anyway that one probably isn’t one of the opinions you were asking about but I have been wanting to find a way to express it for a while so you’re getting it: the Ruth Thedreadvampy Inclusionism Take.

uh. it’s 1:30 on a work night so I have been typing too long. if there was an opinion you were specifically thinking of that I haven’t mentioned, chuck me another ask specifically pointing to what you want me to clarify my thinking on. sometimes I gotta be honest I’ve just been kind of careless in my framing (thinking of the Martin Fucks debacle where I spent ages insisting I didn’t say Martin couldn’t be aroace then read back like two days later and realised that I had said “he’s not aroace” bc I had written the post at 2am without proofreading and had meant to say “unless you think he’s aroace”) so I May Well Not Stand By Some Posts or might Stand By Them With Clarification

[distressedwalnut]

I see others talking about they ocs and i wanna join the party if that ok-

So this is calender [misspelled on purpose]

I actually dont like this drawing of them but its the only one i have on hand fjfhf

Anyway, they were created from areana mode in mpn from the paitent class [however i do try to keep everything as accurate to real life, not stigma]

They were taken in to project nexus at a young age and just kept there...in containment. A scientist olivia [i dont have a ref for her T-T] took care of calender the majority of the time and when calender was old enough phobos was like "uhhh yeah just send them to be experimented on for the other place lol" and so that happened

Calender was always kind of the experiement kid and all but this time around not only was their age frozen in time, stuck at the age of 27, they brain startrd clashing with the two demensions and uh oh!!!!

They were sent to the asylum where they made a lot of friends, however i assume that place kind of sucks because idk, it probably has nasty food and stuff. Definately not better than being outside of it.

Calender was released but of course, they had no home so they just wandered the streets for a bit, like 3 months or so until the wonderous man of 2BDamned [i totally dont have a bias towards 2b what are you talking about] found them and was like "ah, okay i'll just uhhh" *yoink* and thats how 2b adopted calender :]

They live with the sq and are actually allowed outside unlike project nexus. They get along well with the members however they struggled with hank for a bit. They are kind of frienemies with Christoff because like, christoff did not like them at first.

Anyways useless information about them that you can do whatever with [god this is getting long, apologizes]

They really like chocolate milk, they kind of lived off of only that for a while but shhh we dont talk about that

They are 5'2 because they didnt get the proper nutrition for a long time so they small now.

They are pretty smart. Like very smart. Olivia tought them a lot of science and stuff growing up and they just retained that. They use it a lot actually

They draw a lot. They have a ton of sketchbooks and pencils and they just draw whatever comes to mind.

This one isnt useless!!! They use They/Them pronouns!!!! They are also intersex [46 xx i'm pretty sure] they are also ace/aro! Because im ace/aro! I crave representation!

They call 2b dad. Mostly because thats how 2b treated them and calender was like "okay this is my dad now"

2b cares a lot about calender. I just like the concept of 2b being like "okay you little shits, except you calender everyone is glad you're here" because it funny :]

Anyways thats mostly it for now, sorry for the long ask- i like talking about my ocs-

MMmm yes Calender, the aroace representation I need. KJHDkjsdf but fr they sound super sick!! Thanks for sharing them with me <:)))

[i-did]

1/ 4 oh it's funny you brought up the ace people thing bc i'm actually aro/ace so i can elucidate on it a little xD i don't currently write smut but i sure have read a lot of it. i think a lot of ace people find fic a safe way to like? satisfy their curiosity about sexual things without having to look at real people or even watch porn which (esp mainstream porn) can be a lot. and also to like.

2/4 idk when you don't get something but it's such a big part of what so many other people seem to find super important it makes you kinda want to figure it out? i guess? and also a lot of people have a libido even if they don’t experience attraction so that’s a thing too. 3/4 part of the reason m/m is so popular is bc it’s just like. been that way in fandom so long that it’s a habit, and i don’t think the percentage of people fetisizing m/m relationships is really as high as it’s made out to be (although it does still exist, more or less prominently in every fandom) 4/4 my closest friend is a trans dude and he identified as a lesbian for a very long time and he’d never written lesbian porn and one day he was like. “its bc im not a lesbian and i want to write about dudes bc i am one” and i think there are a lot of younger people who are still figuring stuff out which is why i try not to be too harsh on individual people. i do still think it’s important to critique and look at why broader fandom trends turn out the way they do. anyway sorry for sending you a barrage of asks i just get excited about fandom meta xD

-mild nsfw and pwp discussion-

Hey! Yeah no worries, my blog has been pretty quiet activity and ask wise until just now so I'm kind of surprised by the amount of asks I started getting literally over night, but yeah I dont mind getting them lol.

I think "habit" is an interesting word to use in regards to people whipping mlm over wlw, and probably a pretty accurate one. I think however that the percentage of people who are fetishizing mlm is higher than people realize, because from my point of view... i haven't really heard many people talk about it or take it seriously. I don't think its just fetishization, I think its also lack of well written women as well as the default in lgbt being gay man, but i also think the fact that well developed characters get flattened out and a heteronormative dynamic gets placed on them, and the abundance of pwp proves that there is definitely fetishization and people need to start to unlearn it in fandom imo. It makes it a very uncomfortable place to be for mlm otherwise.

Also I know a lot of similar stories to the one you're saying about your friend, trans guys who didn't know who they were, especially gay trans men feeling like they fetishize mlm when they don't they're 100% mlm too, and having room for exploration is important like you said. Your friend is a straight trans guy but the point still stands.

About the ace thing: yeah and I totally get that, I know someone who reads pwp of mlm because its unemotional unlike wlw pwp and as someone who is aro they want to not feel like theyre missing out and know whats up with sexual psychology.

I've heard of a lot of ace people reading pwp to "figure out what the deal is" but its interesting to me how many people look into pwp that would be outside of their demographic, aka cis women reading pwp mlm. I think its important to note that probably 97% of mlm pwp isn't written by mlm for mlm, and isn't actually accurate not only in the mlm gaze, but also functionality and how sex feels. Its porn. Porn exaggerates things, it makes things sound bigger and more extreme and extraordinary because it os inherently performative in a way to arouse the consumer. In had an ace friend tell me they were sad sex wasn't something that they could experience in pwp but, no one can lol. I mean there is more toned down realistic pwp, but the vast majority talks about full body feeling (which btw amab people experience orgasums localized while afab experience more full body)

I get the appeal to not want to look at real people but wanting to know, but why only read mlm if thats the case? Why not also wlw or wlm, etc.

Also its important to note it still isn't actually accurate in a lot of small ways beyond gaze, but also proper prep, health, sanitization, eating habits, body hair, positions, terminology, sensations, culture etc.

I've had someone state that if they wanted accuracy they would go out and actually sleep with someone, but still that person was a cis woman reading mlm pwp, and I think accuracy is important to a degree to prevent issues like fetishization, but also unrealistic expectations.

You stated that mainstream porn is a lot, and it is, but also so is pwp imo, especially as a mlm. The pwp tag in ant fandom is quite wild lol. Thats. Thats my 2 cents, its quite wild.

But yeah overall the best thing is to assume people don't have ill intent, they usually don't! But that doesn't mean that overall some people aren't also causing harm by doing such things like fetishizing mlm in fandom.

Cool asks lol wasn't expecting this everyones been chill so far thanks for the lack of anon hate and remember that the internet is a public space and to try to be respectful of others.

[queenangst]

hey!! if u don’t mind me asking how did u know u were aro/ace? like i’m lowkey is going “is that me” bc i don’t really get what romantic/sexual attraction is supposed to feel like ... but on the other hand what if i’m just yk not understanding my own feelings or haven’t experienced it yet or whatever idk hopefully this is phrased somewhat in a way that makes sense

Sure! 

I actually talked about this with some friends who were asking on my Discord about a week ago, so I hope you don’t mind me copying and pasting this discussion!

As a note: some of what I share below is personal. This is my personal life so I’ve kept it vague, and I don’t want to share details or involved parties online. You are 100% welcome to ask me more about a specific experience, but I may or may not share.

What I went through in my self-discovery doesn’t apply to everyone. We might share some experiences, we might not. 

To clarify my identity again: I’m aromantic asexual. I do not experience attraction at all, and I am culturally sex-positive/sex-neutral, and personally sex-repulsed. And I am out—my parents, family and friends, etc.

If you’d like to ask questions about these specific parts of my identity that I don’t go into detail in this post, please feel free.

(Also my identity journey went something along the lines of: straight, questioning/no label/allosexual, demisexual, asexual.) Also, sometimes on my blog casually I will describe myself as “ace” for both aro/ace or use “ace” as an interchangeable term for “aspec,” but this is not wholly accurate, it’s just the way that I sometimes use it because I am ace and I can do that.

being ace (my experience): 

Figuring out ur ace sometimes is kinda hard bc 

1) there is a spectrum 2) it's really easy to get caught up in ur own expectations/society 

because asexuality is a lack of attraction, sometimes it can be really confusing, and we end up trying to find something that’s not actually there. (or that may be there but different than what is heteronormative).

one of the main reasons i really figured it out was bc i dated someone, and i was not attracted to them romantically or sexually in any way at all. 

i didn't reciprocate the feelings even during the relationship - i tried to convince myself that it would happen but just never did, and i was uncomfortable (red flag) a lot about affection. 

my advice also is if you're thinking about romance/sex/relationship and it makes you uncomfortable/you can't picture yourself in the future (i.e. when you're older)/it happens forcefully instead of naturally that is, imo, a sign that you're aro/ace/respective aspec identity

now. i do not advise doing what i did. actually i strongly do not advise anyone to force yourself into a relationship or into any situation if you're unclear about your own wants and boundaries. most of all, listen to yourself. if something is making you uncomfortable, consider what about that experience is uncomfortable to you.

edit for clarity: obviously i didn’t know i was aroace at the time of entering that relationship, and it was not malicious intent on my end or “deception,” rather that i didn’t know myself then as well as i do now.

also to my one point (shown below) about "picking someone" tbh in hindsight i just think it's funny i have this really clear memory in elementary school where i was talking to my friend about crushes, and she asked me if i had a crush and i said no. so she asked if i had to have a crush on someone who it would be, so i was like "i guess this guy or this other guy?" basically because i thought they were funny/nice to me

also in hindsight after discovering that, here are things that i experienced that tipped me off:

 - making excuses* (i want to focus on academics, i don't want a relationship right now but maybe later, i haven’t really found someone i liked) - putting myself in a box/label to fit what other people thought (i have to like this person) - guessing about attraction (i guess if i had to be attracted to someone, i would be to this person) - repulsion/dislike* (i don't mind talking about/reading about other people's romance/sex lives, but i don't want to do it myself)

*asterisk is because like i said before, asexuality is a spectrum. and also some of these reasons are perfectly valid if you are attracted to someone! maybe you really do want to focus on academics or you don't like physical intimacy as a preference and that's valid too. edit for clarity: some aces are sex-positive and some aces are sex-repulsed. and some are neutral. 

btw, if you are aspec, you can still be attracted to people! it will just be a different experience from an allo person.

you don't have to have a label if you're unsure or if you don't want one or really any other reason, because your identity is your business and we discover new things about ourselves all the time. it’s okay if a year ago you thought you were gay but now you think you might be ace after all or vice versa, etc; that doesn’t invalidate your feelings or your experiences. there is no rush and no race.

also if you want to learn more about asexuality! for yourself or in general: 

AVEN: Asexuality Visibility & Education Network

https://www.asexuality.org/ 

Asexuality: An Overview/FAQ

AVEN Forums: Questions about Asexuality questions about asexuality, check out the other various aven forums too bc lots of people share their experiences and ask questions there.

I hope this helps someone! If you resonate with anything I wrote above, I would encourage you to do more research about asexuality. 

[saltyaro]

I sometimes wonder how me being aro influences my lack of desire to have children? I’m not saying “I’m aro, therefore I don’t want children” but more, I feel like the ways (/reasons why) in which I don’t want children are tied to my aromanticism. Somehow.

I mean, firstly, a lot of the time, people have children because they’re in a romantic relationship and it seems like the logical next step at the moment. That’s obviously not going to happen to my aromantic, romance-repulsed ass. And even if I did, one day, form say, a qpr, there just wouldn’t be that same expectation. Which means it likely wouldn’t happen. 

Obviously, you can raise a child by yourself. But, it does seem pretty difficult to do, money-wise obviously (and even more as someone who’s read as a woman), but also for time. Juggling a job, housework, and the emotional labor needed for a kid? Yikes, what a recipe for failure! It’s not impossible I guess, but right now at least, as a 20-something who can’t even juggle school and housework, it feels overwhelming. 

I also wonder, in my inability to understand people’s desire to have biological children tied to my aromanticism? Like, is it common for other aros, or is it just me? Let’s say, if a weird world, I’m forced to become a parent. Then I’d rather adopt: ever since I’ve learnt of the possibility of adoption, I’ve found it a pretty beautiful gesture, even though I didn’t really consider it for myself. 

In the end, I’m not really interested in having children anyway - but my distate for children has lessened ever since I’ve accepted than I can actually stay child-free. It’s been my hypothesis for my change in feelings but I don’t know how accurate that is. Maybe it’s because I want children to get the childhood they deserve: safe, with a loving family. As someone who didn’t get that, and made a lot of efforts to walk away from the damage, I’m confident there are a lot of mistakes I can avoid. I’m pretty sure I can make a child feel happy and safe. But I think...rather than be a parent, what would fit me more would be like. To behave more like an older sibling, or an aunt? That would feel more natural to me, even as the primary caretaker and/or legal tutor. Parenthood just seems too tied to experiences I don’t care for nor desire. Familyhood however, offering a safe place? That I can provide. 

In the end, I guess what I could get on board with would be...communal raising of a child? Like, at least 3 people, maybe one of them in a parent role, maybe none of them, raising one or two kids. I feel really disconnected from parenthood but I still want to help and heal people. It’s difficult to explain why I feel this disconnect stems, in part, from my aromanticism. In the end, maybe this feeling is just because of the social norms and expectations linked with parenthood as a result of romance, idk. 

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

How can you tell if you’re also aro? Because I would ideally like to be in a romantic relationship but sometimes it feels like I disconnect whenever I try to date? If that makes sense? It could just be incompatibility idk or maybe I’m not as into romance as I thought I was

I know when I was questioning, one of the most useful things I found was reading the experiences of other aros. Personally I’d recommend Arocalypse, both their boards and their faq can be really useful for questioning people. 

I think one of the hardest parts of figuring out if you’re aro is learning to differentiate between what your orientation is actually telling you want and what our culture has taught us to feel like we should want. This one takes a lot of time, but trying to unlearn the idea that a long term romantic partner should be everyone’s end goal, and analyzing your own feelings figuring out what you actually want. (It is possible too to want romance, but not actually be experiencing romantic attraction to a specific person, so that’s worth keeping in mind too). 

And then just research, and then giving the information time to settle can help a lot too. 

Remember when picking labels to try and look at it from the perspective of what would be useful for you, and help you understand yourself better, or describe you how you want to be described. And not so much by worrying if it’s 100% accurate/or if you might have made a mistake/something might change, etc. Labels exist for you, not the other way around.

All the best, Anon! Good luck.

[moonlights-shadow-warrior]

Hi, I’ve been following you for a hot minute and wanted to ask about how you define your asexuality and gray-romanticness. I am a poly/pan trans-guy trying to wrap my head around it and from your posts you always seem super nice and down to earth. Sorry if this is a weird question ^~^’

Ngl your ask did catch me off guard, although that was mostly due to the fact that a) I never get asks, and b) I rarely post my own stuff or comment on others’ posts so the fact that you said I seem nice and down to earth ‘cause of my posts threw me for a bit of a loop. Sweet though, and I’m glad I come off that way even though my blog is really just a mishmash of things I like and that catch me eye

Now as for your question

TL:DR Defining my asexuality means I don’t feel sexual attraction towards others (never have in my almost 23 years of life) and it honestly kinda confuses me simply because it’s something I’ve never experienced before and when others talk about it I just don’t get it

As for my greyromanticism, it’s more a transitional term as over the years I went from having loads and loads of crushes (I think) as a kid to now where I haven’t had a crush for multiple years as I move closer and closer to being aro ‘cause of some trauma that happened in my life. Same trauma is part of why gender does make a difference in my attraction now

Gonna start this off with some backstory saying I used to identify as bisexual, then pansexual, ‘cause I’d never heard of asexuality before and gender didn’t really play a part in my like for someone. And from the terms I knew, those seemed like the obvious choice at the time. But I also didn’t really,,, get it when some of my friends talked about how hot a person was or their list of actors they wanted to bone (and just celebrity crushes in general now that I think about it, although that could’ve very easily been due to the fact I can’t for the life of me remember who’s who in the realm of Hollywood). I’d just sorta nod along and listen ‘cause hey, people are different and just ‘cause we’re both pan doesn’t mean our experiences are exactly the same

Now at this time I was reading a lot—and I mean a lot—of fanfics ‘cause of escapism and all that jazz. And in one fic I came across there was a character—my favorite character—that was ace. When it got mentioned I didn’t think much of it ‘cause it was just ‘oh cool new term I haven’t heard before’. But then it was explained not only what asexuality was, but also what sexual and romantic attraction were—with examples for each of them—and how they didn’t always line up for some people. And it just

Clicked

I did a bit more research on it, reading things that other aces had posted talking about being ace, and it felt like it just fit me

It’s probably been close to 7 years since I last read that fic, but it was explained something like this

Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to fool around with them, maybe take a tumble in the sheets, but would never want to date them? That’s sexual attraction

And have you ever looked at someone and had your heart flutter and just wanted to go on dates and maybe kiss them but you wouldn’t describe them as sexy and the thought of having sex with them either didn’t cross your mind or made your stomach turn? Romantic attraction

And feeling the latter without the former? Well you might just be ace

Of course this isn’t a universal thing for those under the ace umbrella, but it worked for me and helped me realize something about myself

I don’t feel sexual attraction, which was why all those times my friends talked about how sexy someone was or who was on their f list, it felt like a foreign concept to me and the most I could say to relate was “well they are cute”

As for my greyromanticism, that one’s not as clear cut. Also cw for bad parenting and divorce/bad breakups basically idk

Like I said above, I used to get a lot of crushes as a kid. Looking back, were they all actually crushes or just me thinking a person looked cute? Who knows, but I’m pretty sure there were some

Walking in late only to see the new kid sitting there and immediately my heart rate picked up and I had trouble looking directly at them without blushing? Then picking up an instrument that they played just to try and be seated next to them in band class even though I had no idea what I was doing and had barely talked to them before?

Crush

Get partnered with someone for one assignment and then always trying to sneak glances at them out of the corner of my eye and it just so happens that they ended up in a lot of my photos of my middle school DC field trip?

Crush

Playing spin the faygo just for the chance to make out with one person ‘cause they’re hella cute and within an hour of knowing each other we immediately linked hands and threaded our fingers together while walking around?

Crush

Just as a few examples. Also I was shy and didn’t know how to socialize, which didn’t help at all in the creepiness factor

Now could some of my crushes have actually been just me becoming attached to someone who was nice to me one (1) time? Maybe, who knows, not me

Like I said above, me identifying as greyro is more transitional as I move closer and closer to identifying as aromantic ‘cause of trauma. Was I actually always arospec but just hadn’t heard of the terms like with asexuality? I don’t know because only after everything did I come across the term and my memory is so poor that I can’t properly recall the feelings I experienced. Even the above may not be accurate because my memory’s so spotty and my mind likes to insert things that never actually happened or are wildly different from what everyone else remembers

Which sucks but I digress

So that trauma I keep mentioning. As a child that had to deal with a rough divorce, it can bring on a whole slew of issues, some of which relate to relationships. I called my parents’ divorce almost a decade before it actually happened, and watching it go downhill to the point they could barely stand to be in the same room was rough. Not only that, but I had to give relationship advice to my father, from saying that he should go through with the divorce to giving my opinion on who he should date and if he should break it off or power through a rough spot or not come home for the night. Needless to say, all that warped my perception just a bit

And while that was happening, I had to deal with my own rocky high school relationships

While I haven’t dated a lot of people, a lot of the breakups were bad. Maybe not bad right away and we’d continue on being friends afterwards, but down the line something would happen where they’d either drop all contact or blow up at me without me knowing why or realizing something was off in the first place. And paired with the after effects of the divorce, it was a bad combination

But the golden lining was a breakup so terrible that it caused my datemate to hallucinate and go into such a depressive state that I’m pretty sure the after effects still influence how they act today when it comes to relationships. The four of us talked about moving in together, having a double wedding and all that. But then one left out of the blue and the other became harder and harder to contact until there was no response. And that all happened less than a month after I finally ran away from all the bs of the divorce and my father asking for relationship advice and being dropped so suddenly after what I thought was a good breakup

And after that I can only pinpoint 2 maybe crushes around the same time less than a year later

So yeah, traumatic

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, because I hadn’t heard of the term

But even then I told my datemate that if we broke up I will never be in another romantic relationship after them because of everything. Because I didn’t really believe in love anymore

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, even when I had heard of the term

I thought, nah, that’s not me, because I still thought I had crushes, as few and far between as they were. Because I didn’t know there were other kinds of attraction

And then my datemate asked if I had a crush on this one person, and I said no, and I realized that was the truth. I hadn’t had a crush on them. I wanted to hold their hand and cuddle and maybe give light pecks, protect them as best I could, but it wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t the same feelings as what I remember feeling in my childhood, what I feel towards my datemate

I had a squish, and once I realized that things started making a bit of sense. There were people I wanted to hold their hand, laze around in a cuddle pile to be close to them, maybe give them quick innocent pecks because I’m touch starved and want affection. But never were the feelings romantic

If that trauma had never happened, would I still say I’m panromantic instead of bi greyromantic? Who knows, not me

But what I do know is that if something were to happen and my datemate and I were to split, that the single romantic attraction I have felt in years was severed, I’d full on say I’m aro because they are my exception

My greyromanticism is transitional. It’s not “I feel romantic attraction sparingly” or “have a hard time distinguishing platonic from romantic” or the other common definitions I’ve seen around, but rather “I used to feel romantic attraction all the time, but now only feel it towards one person and if that were to go away, I wouldn’t feel it at all”

Sometimes I doubt myself, thinking maybe I’m experiencing crushes and just don’t realize it or am in denial. But then I think about it again and tell my doubt to shut up because that’s wrong and I know it

And wow that was a lot and I’m pretty sure I spent ~4 hours writing this without realizing it. I hope this answered your question though!! Word vomiting like this helped me realize a few things myself

Also wow I need therapy more than I thought

[thesnadger]

Celebrating Pride with a long, deeply navel-gazing, and meandering analysis of my own orientation, labels, and why I like the word “queer.” No r/e..blog/s, plz and thank you.

I’ve known I was bisexual for a while, though I’ve been quiet about it for years due to an impressive myriad of anxieties and self-hating thinking patterns. I was out online for a while before I was out to anyone I knew in real life. Actually, it was probably a number of online friends becoming real-life friends that eased the transition between ‘out on my secret accounts no one I know in real life knows I have’ to where I am now, which is apparently ‘slowly trying to gaslight my acquaintances into thinking I’ve been out this whole time and they just didn’t notice.’

Over the past few years I’ve also wondered if I might or might not be somewhere in the gray-aro/ace range. I’ve had a number of aro and/or ace friends and mutuals talk to me about experiences that gave me some really strong, relatable ‘oh, it me’ moments. At the same time, I know I’m not full-on ace. I definitely experience attraction to other people, including strangers, it just seems like I do it less than most people. So okay. Gray-ace exists as a label. But then I’m led to thoughts like:

How much attraction is Enough to be allosexual instead of gray-ace? How can you TELL?

What even are romantic feelings if they aren’t just loving someone while being attracted to them? If I don’t understand that does it mean I’m aromantic, or does it just mean feelings are complicated and hard to nail down?

I haven’t dated anyone in a very long time and I’m honestly okay with that in a way it seems like most people wouldn’t be. Does that mean I’m gray-ace or is it just that society makes people place too much importance on romantic relationships and I’m way more chill about it than most?

Okay but I DO want a romantic/sexual partner. I’m definitely not going crazy for the lack of one, but it would be nice. Especially now that the idea of maybe dating a girl is starting to feel like something that might actually be an option and not so impossibly intimidating as to exist in the realm of pure fantasy. So even if I do exist somewhere in the gray area, does it matter?

If I’d known about Asexuality when I was a teenager would my dumb little queer journey have been different in any way?

 Meanwhile the conservative senator that lives in the back of my head just yells dumb shit at me about having to ‘pick��� being bi/pan or under the ace umbrella and tells me I’m being a greedy special snowflake and making up my own feelings, blah, blah, blah. That guy’s a real unhelpful asshole when it comes to any level of self-examination.

Even if some Deity Of Supreme Objective Queer Understanding came down from above and told me I belonged under the aro/ace umbrella, I’m not sure it’s a label I’d actually apply to myself. Mainly because I believe labels are best seen in terms of their utility.

For example: I know someone who spent years identifying as a lesbian because 90% of her crushes were on other women and they were the only people she really wanted to date, though she was occasionally attracted to men as well. She later started identifying as bisexual, not because who she was attracted to had changed, but out of backlash against biphobia she’d encountered and pride in her own bisexuality.

You could argue about what her sexuality “really” was or is. (I mean, it’d be rude as hell, but you could.) But ultimately it doesn’t matter because she used the label that worked for her until another label worked better, and that’s what labels are for. To help you move through and interact with the world.

I know people for whom the label of asexual was MASSIVELY liberating and I can absolutely understand why. I know there are some people for whom highly specific labels about their orientation and/or gender give them a feeling of solidity and identity and community and pride, and that is freaking wonderful. For me personally, the more specific a label is, the more I feel like I’m trying to pin down something about myself that is inherently nebulous and amorphous.

I would rather identify as bi/pan (terms I use interchangeably, sometimes depending on what social circle I’m in) than gray-aro/ace bi/pan (or something similar.) Partly because a label that specific gives me nervous tummy, partly because just like my colleague who identified as a lesbian because she wanted to date women, I think bi/pan sends the most accurate message about who I might be interested in dating.

“Queer” is a term I’m even more comfortable with. The vague amorphous “idk but not straight” vibe of it encompasses everything I feel super deeply, and I think a cis woman who identifies as “queer” still reads as “sapphic in some way” which is the main point I’d like to get across to strangers. “Queer” is liberating to me because it encompasses the feeling of ‘listen, who even knows what sexuality is, I know what I like when I see it and that’s enough, leave me alone with your attempts to define this shit” that I feel deep in my bones at all times.

Honestly in a weird way learning about asexuality and having some close friends who fall under that umbrella has made the idea of having a romantic/sexual partner more appealing to me because it’s eased a lot of the internal pressure to have one. Getting the idea that it isn’t compulsory into my head, that it isn’t a required part of being a healthy adult and therefore only something you should have because you want to have it actually made me go “oh. I think I do want that. Now that I know that not wanting it is a valid option.”

It’s not something I feel incomplete without, not something I’ll go crazy if I don’t have. It’s like the idea of travel -- I would really like to travel. I think it would be nice. But I’m not sitting at home weeping and feeling unfulfilled just because I’m not traveling right now.

I’m fine if I don’t. Still. I’d like to travel sometime.

Especially since. . . to be frank the idea that I might soon be medicated for something that’s been consuming an enormous amount of my mental energy my entire life makes me feel like I might actually get my life together enough that I have the brainspace to “travel.”

Either way, I’m a goddamned thirty-something adult with the brain of a baby queer just barely starting to accept herself and that’s something I’m going to have to live with.