#and i think thats what microlabels are kind of for

[darryl-lope]

discussion about the aro/acespec rep in sparklecare (all aus)

i'd like to discuss and hear yalls thoughts on the aro/acespec rep in sparklecare hospital (and its aus) so send some stuff in asks! (or comment/reblog with your thoughts) also feel free to send your aro/acespec headcanons too (this includes microlabels and attraction stances if you want!)

keep in mind that i am on the aro and ace spectrum myself, and that i am for people on the aro/acespec of any interaction stance, i understand that it is a spectrum so all of our experiences are different my personal thoughts and how many aro/acespec characters there are are under the cut, its pretty long so there will be a tl:dr at the end

(nothing will include the "secret canon" nor freakycare, but will include 1 cometcare and sch leak)

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

PLEASE TELL ME IF I SAY SOMETHING WRONG OR THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE, I DIDNT MEAN TO SO IF I DID PLEASE TELL ME

note that whether i myself experience romantic/sexual attraction and how is confusing to me so what is written here may be influenced by that, also when i say both "comic" and "sparklecare" i mean sparklecare hospital + all its aus (besides what i said before)

my issues stem from there being so many characters (100+) in such an inclusive comic, but so little aro/acespec characters (less than 20)

this is the chart i will be using despite me thinking the post about there being "too many bisexuals in sparklecare" was dumb as fuck but i dont think theres any other chart, also note that this chart didnt put norma in aromantic when she should (i think?) but she will be counted as arospec regardless iris and cream are the only ones counted in objectum because i dont think its mentioned what the type of attraction towards objects they feel is [like whether is exclusively romantic or something] and they also wont appear in the aro/acespec chart because of that, uni is already counted in acespec so thats why she isnt counted in the objectum category but is in the aro/acespec one it took some time to think about the inclusion of the objectum characters since objectum is on the aro/acespec but like i said its not mentioned what type of attraction they feel to objects, so i decided on making a separate category here is the amount of aro/acespec characters and the ones who arent + 2 pie charts

(i forgot about shekann [ace] in this part because she wasnt included here, she dies in the volume shes introduced in so it doesnt really matter anyway)

9 solely acespec (8.4%)

1 solely arospec (0.9%)

4 on both spectrums of attraction (3.7%)

2 objectum attraction (1.9%)

16 generally aro/acespec (all above identities) (15%)

91 fit none of these/alloallo (85%)

a total of 107 characters

here are the pie charts:

(note that i do infact support queerplatonic relationships and aros in relationships, it is the lack of aro characters that dont is my problem [and the lack of aro characters in general])

and for cometcare (because practically every character is dating another), i know that aromantic people can be in relationships and can date (and i support that), but i also wish there was a few or more aro characters that werent in a relationship because the 2 (hem, reese) of the only 3 aro characters in cometcare are dating people (i forgot who all hemera was dating and according to a leak reese was dating polly)

my problem isnt that they are soley in any kind of relationship, its the fact that they are the 2 of the only 3 aromantic characters in cometcare and they do, i would find it better if cometcare had around 5 more aromantic characters and some of them didnt want to be in any kind of relationship

i love representation where aro characters are in relationships (and romance favorable aros), but for something as inclusive as cometcare, i feel like there should be atleast be a few other aro characters who arent! i feel like its pretty hard to talk about this since there is only 3 aro characters in cometcare tl:dr: i dont lack the lack of aro/acespec rep in such an inclusive comic with a huge cast like sparklecare, i also wish cometcare had more than 3 aro characters and some of them not wanting to be in any kind of relationship, overall, i wish there were more aro/acespec sparklecare characters

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - June 15

2 problems anon (new), clicked anon (new), bi? friend anon (new), @teasiswriter, midnights anon

2 problems anon

I dont have to question my gender or sexuality anymore. I know them. But i have 2 problems 1 with each.

With my gender i know it i know the feeling i know other people feel it i read something and it described exactly what im feeling and i almost cried i swear. But i still feel like its not real and its not actually an identity and im making it up. And i want a label. I so badly want a label. But nothing fits.

And with sexuality im almost 100% that im aro ace but the problem is i dont want to be. I want to experience love and relationships and be attracted to people and talk about crushes with my friends without having to make up awkward lies and then not know how to respond when they ask me questions. I want to marry someone and go on dates and flaunt relationshipsand have someone love me and love them back but i cant bc i cant feel what i need to feel for that to happen. I feel like its the worst thinv for me to be bc at least now everyone thinks im a lesbian so they think they can relate to me like "you just feel the same way i feel about boys but about girls" but thats not true. I dont feel anything. I hate this.

Hi! <3

As far as your gender, there are a lot of things called 'microlabels.' Have you tried looking into those? There are a TON of them. Maybe one of those would feel better than one of the more well-known ones, you know?

And your sexuality...just because you don't feel/want ROMANTIC love (based on what you're saying), doesn't mean you can't have love! There are plenty of aro/ace/aroace people who still have some form of a relationship. Have you heard of queerplatonic relationships? You should look those up and see if that's something you might want someday!

Just remember that just because you identify a certain way doesn't mean you can't still experience the type of love you still want <3

Sending love!

___

clicked anon (new)

hi cas!

i’ve never really dated before, and i don’t really know how to break it off with people. i’ve gone on a few dates with this girl, and she’s nice and all, but we never really clicked. we mostly text and that’s not really my preferred form of communication, so that could be part of it. but every time we meet up the conversation feels unnatural and honestly it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. how do i tell her i’m not really interested in pursuing this?

Hi!

Honestly, the best thing to do is to be honest. Not rudely honest, but just...truthful. Because when you lie about this stuff it can end up being more hurtful when people find out.

Say something along the lines of "Hey, I think you're cool and you're a nice person but I just don't see something romantic with you. I wish you the best!" she might get mad or upset, but as someone who HAS been broken up with before, she will appreciate it in the long run. It's much better to get the respect of the (kind) truth than some bullshit lie or, even worse, being ghosted.

Wishing you luck! ___

bi? friend anon

cascascas

ok so this guy that i like

i’m friends with him and it’s kinda this running joke that he’s straight because all of our other friends in that friend group are all very very queer and he’s like the definition of a bisexual twink (read: theatre kid, plays dnd, wears flannels, jorts, and all his friends are gay) except he’s straight right

so we’re all kinda like “oh haha someday you’ll have your bisexual awakening and join all of us”

and he’s always like “sorry guys i’m still straight”

ANYWAYS

we’re at school and walking down the hall holding hands because we’re both very physically affectionate right

and our friends are like oh you guys are dating! (as a joke) and they get very excited and are like “omg are you gay now because you’d have to be gay to date (my name)” (i’m transmasc, but i was identifying as like.. not a boy for a while so the boy thing is more recent)

and we’re not dating but they ask him anyways because THE BIT ok???

so they’re like “are you gay???” AND CAS

he’s like “yeah. actually. i think im bi,”

NOW IT COULD BE A COINCIDENCE

IT VERY WELL COULD BE

but like there’s other things too that i was just like oh but he’s straight

BUT HES NOT

ahekodosheieoosmpl

help cas

also i feel like even if he does like me nothing will happen because we are both awkward people and won’t say anything

but I REALLY WANT SOMETHING TO HAPPEN (read: i want him to ask me out)

ahhh

Hi!!! Honestly it does seem like you two being a thing could be a possibility in the future! I would just make sure to take things slowly. He's still clearly figuring things out, and you guys are good friends, so I'm a bit worried that he'll like...jump ahead and try to date you before fully figuring his shit out, and you both will get hurt in the process. Obviously if he asks you out, don't say no, but like...I wouldn't run up to him tomorrow and be all "well youre bi now, lets go out!" Try to let things go where they go naturally. You say you're both awkward which will probably be good to like...keep things slow. But I was smiling reading about you two holding hands, you guys sound cute together, you have to keep me updated <3

___

@teasiswriter

Hey! Thank you so much for your last answer to my ask

Most people on my street don’t really have kids? Like, it’s mostly middle aged/old couples/childless couples but the ones that do have kids who are super close in age to me. BUT tutoring sounds like a really good idea. I’m planning on being a peer tutor for my school next year since I got all As, and I don’t think that’s payed, but I think I’ll try to look into finding ways to tutor people for money, like online or in the city? I LOVE teaching so much and it’d be cool to be payed for it. I usually just do it to help my friends

Also my martial arts program is super age-friendly and has junior instructor positions and stuff, and I’ve been a student for 2 years, so maybe I could try applying to there too?

Thank you for letting be all sad and dramatic in your inbox. You’re a very lovely person 🫶

Goodbye!

I'm so glad you thought of some more ideas! You have to let me know if they work out! Tutoring is great, especially if you can build up a bit of a clientele. Good luck on the job search! <3

___

midnights anon tw- scars

Hi! did you decide to go to the movie thing for your friend? I know social things can be stressful, especially if the time changes. I feel the exact same way, so I get it completely! It's hard, especially when you build it up in your head. I think sometimes just doing something can be draining. I hope it went okay!

As far as scars...your feelings are valid, and they don't invalidate what other people went through. Your parents ARENT right, either. I think sometimes it's like...we want some sort of physical proof of the mental anguish we've been through. Something to point at and be like- 'look at the shit I had to experience! BELIEVE ME!' So I get that. Please don't feel guilty.

I'm glad you're home and you get to relax a bit now!

[fite-club]

The piss poor definitions of everything in the ace community lead to basically 90% of the world being able to identify as asexual. Asexuality is defined by deviance from the norm, but no one fucking knows what the norm is. If you have less sexual attraction than an 'allo' person, you're grey sexual. How much sexual attraction does an allo person have? Uhh no one knows. It's literally unquantifiable. There's no actual definition for 'allosexual' other than 'normal' or 'average' but then those words are never defined. So you just have to guess what the norm is based on the 3 people you're close enough with to talk about this philosophical stuff about attraction and hypersexualized media where everyone is fucking everyone because it makes for a good sitcom. It's genuinely impossible and that's why so many in the ace community are so confused about where they fall and so insecure about their identity because they're all just guessing.

And god, the label hopping. People find out they actually experience sexual attraction and the ace community does their best to keep them from going away, shoving microlabel after microlabel at them so they never think that maybe they're a dreaded allosexual after all.

one more thing. The ace community is so focused on separating itself from the rest of the world that they make everything more difficult for themselves. They do stuff to deliberately stand out, make awkward jokes about being too enlightened for sex (..while having regular sex half the time), make up weird relationship constructs and get upset that no one wants to be in them. They psych themselves out over feeling attraction and start acting extremely weird because tHatS wHaT tHe aLlOs dO. Plus the extremely unattractive ways they describe why they have sex and then they get upset that no one wants to date them because they say they see their partner as a flesh sex toy. Girl just be normal. Describe yourself as a low libido person and youll be fine i prommy.

that's what i meant by the ace community imploding by being too inclusive, they lost the plot as soon as the split attraction model entered the picture. the experiences of someone who is an "asexual" as in "aroace" as in "someone who wants platonic partnership only" are unique and are shared amongst other people of the same identity. when you open that up, though, suddenly there aren't those shared experiences, and those labels don't convey the same thing. there's no good reason why someone who wants sex would label themselves as asexual, just like there's no good reason why someone who wants sex with someone of the same gender would label themselves as straight. that kind of prescriptive "gatekeeping" is seen as evil by inclusionists but to exclusionists it's just basic reality. if a straight couple identifies as "demisexual", what makes their experiences different from a straight allosexual couple? the fact that neither of them were sexually attracted to each other at first really does not affect the material reality of their lives, to everyone else on earth they are a straight couple that has sex. but if you acknowledge that, you have to acknowledge that those people have privilege and are not lgbt, which ace inclusionists stubbornly refuse to do.

and yeah the worst part is all the teens who get stuck in an echo chamber of "aspec" people, their perception of how others experience attraction and relationships get so warped. like your classmates being awkward after you tell them "i have no interest in sex" isn't because they think you're messed up for being ace, it's because they didn't ask and most likely do not care. you may struggle with your own insecurities about being lonely but you can't just project them as if the norm is that being single is weird

[nightmares-and-stars]

little starry ramble post, since it's been a little bit.

As I tend to ramble very long Ill add a divider so I don't have an extremely large post across the dash, but as a summary: I'm thinking I might tell someone irl close to me about me being ficto, and I'm very nervous about it !! (kinda still on the fence if I'll actually do it or not, perhaps I'll add a little poll at the end to see if anyone wants to cast their opinion on it)

Okie. So !! As I've stated here and there before, I'm still relatively new to being ficto, and so far, aside from on this site, and a few other ficto communities, the only person in the world who knows I'm fictosexual is my therapist (who was the first person to introduce me to the possibility of a sexuality that actually fits me... and then promptly left-due to medical issues out of her control- I'm not upset at her but its easier for me to joke about losing her lmao. anyways)

No one close to me has any idea whatsoever that I am ficto, I talk about my f/o Fade all the time, but thankfully I grew up always obsessing over fictional characters (ha- who knew?) so because of that, them hearing me talk about her all the time is nothing new. I just make sure I keep it casual around them, never specifying that she and I are actually in a relationship together.

I honestly don't think I'll ever tell my parents, while I think if I did, it would take them a bit, but eventually they would accept it, I think in some ways it would genuinely break their hearts, despite knowing how happy it makes me, and idk its kinda just something I don't mind keeping from them. My brother I dont think would really care all that much, but he would probably find it a bit weird, and honestly as close as we are, it just doesn't feel important really to talk to him about.

However, I have a cousin, who I am decently close with. We hang out a few times a year (I never see other cousins unless its a family thing) and she herself, is aro/ace. I feel like out of everyone in the family, she would be the most likely to maybe understand me, and to accept me for who I am. I want to tell her, because then maybe, at least someone else irl who is close to me would at least know, and idk, I'll feel more seen? I know I talk about it on here a bunch, but it just doesn't feel as real I guess? I'm kinda just pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet haha, vs like telling someone who I could actively talk about face to face you know? Its kinda weird I know.

Me being the anxious human I am though, worries. I know some people in the aro/ace community (not everyone, but a few outliers) aren't accepting to fictosexuals. Don't get me wrong I'm still so new to being ficto, I too am kinda on the fence on whether fictosexual/romantic is really a microlabel within the aroace community (leaning for my own personal reasons though!) And I guess I just worry that maybe she is one of the few people who wouldn't accept it.

I also worry that what if she starts to think I'm "weird" and distances herself from me if I do tell her. I know widely it's a bit more common for people to self-ship, and people tend to see it as more of a fun thing to do in their free time, but for me personally, ficto is a big and very real part of my life. I know I usually add the self-ship tag to my posts to keep it more open for people to see, but I dont nearly identify with self-shipping as much as I do with being fictosexual; as in when I say that Fade is my girlfriend, I truly mean it. I'm worried that if I explain that to my cousin, she won't be as accepting as I might think.

Idk, I know I'm a very anxious person, even worrying that omg maybe she'll hate my guts after I tell her, and out me to everyone we know.

...okay I don't think she would actually do that but like thats the kind of things I think about lol.

I wish my therapist was still here for me so I could get her advice on whether I should actually do it or not, but maybe one of you guys has some thoughts on it? Feel free to send an ask, or message me privately, I'd love any advice.

Feel free to send an ask, or message me privately as well! I'd love any advice.

[jiminjeonging]

Please I'm so tired of these kind of people telling lesbians what to like or not sex-wise (talking about anon, not u Nat). The whole purpose of being a lesbian is not liking men. I'm A lesbian who happens to be nonbinary, idc what my partner has in between their legs. I love women and women centered people beyond their parts. Lots of lesbians just like g!p because the fantasy of women just getting women pregnant, or both parts feeling physical pleasure during sex. That comment was very transphobic. Like idc you think lesbiansm is two cis women. Just stop shitting on other people because they like things you don't. Then y'all come here and say that dicks ew and literally you can ignore it. There's this pattern about transphobes thinking trans people are pushing themselves when we're literally just existing.

https://www.tumblr.com/jiminjeonging/778394749339090944/this-is-not-jmj-related-but-why-is-gp-so-popular?source=share

i dont understand why other ppl care so much too! i literally never seen a community police what other ppl do as much as lesbians. that makes twt unbearable too its just endless discource on what makes you a lesbian and what doesnt or just dumbass microlabels like we are tired what happened to having fun

[jegulily-stuff]

Just wondering! In your opinion do you hc James as bi or pan ? Cos it's sort of a mini debate, not that he needs a label. And if so are jegulily the holy trinity of bisexuals...?

#jegulily asks

i guess firstly how are you defining those as different? 'bisexual' is almost never used in real life to not mean attraction to all genders. (common opinion i think is that pansexuality is attraction regardless of gender whereas bisexuality is active attraction to all genders but thats subjective)

the individual's opinion is the main difference between these labels and often what's important with labels generally since theyre artificial boxes attempting to describe individual experiences. and that means my objective view isnt the same as what the characters own opinion might be

canon era james doesnt have access to the term pansexual as it comes from the 1990s (rip), only bisexual is an option. and while i do think he'd like the modern idea of attraction regardless of gender i think in his era that's what bisexual means to him (he's more likely than reg to have access to and be comfortable using newly coined muggle terms).

modern james might prefer pansexual. i think he might even see himself as both with bisexual being an umbrella term

objectively from an external perspective i might give him the microlabel that means attracted to femininity regardless of gender/sex (which is mine too) but i don't see him as the kind of guy who goes searching for a microlabel. he doesnt feel like he doesn't belong or doesnt know who he is so he's pretty relaxed about the whole thing

[kozzax]

I do have to say that I am now reading act 6 and I will say it is somehow the most confusing of the acts so far. I also dont really care for the romance drama but I like Callie and Roxy so I'm winning.

I'm pretty postitive towards Jake, my boyfriend really likes him so i feel more inclined to like him from that. *looks around* not super big on Dirkjake other than in a friends way because Wow that boy is aromantic af. Jake i mean, not Dirk. I like the onesided crush tho, thats fun. Unsure what other thing you may be reffering to about him

No that's my big jake opinion. That's the one I'm so incredibly opinionated on. That boy is AROMANTIC as FUCK. Personally I think all of the alpha kids are various aromantic microlabels because I think it's more interesting to read them that way but Jake specifically is just. All but explicitly stated to be aromantic. Fun fact: Callie is canonically aro! She's the only explicit aro character but in the epilogues she's referred to as a "possibly aromantic skeleton alien monster girlfriend" like... one time. Please ignore the uhhhhhh. Issues. With that depiction of aromanticism.

Fair warning: one thing you're going to run into a lot of in the homestuck fandom at large Is dirkjake. It's kind of hard to avoid because it is one of the biggest canon ships. I think it's like.... the fourth biggest relationship tag on ao3-- don't quote me on that, I don't have it pulled up right now. Those of us who Understand jake english either interact with it in the correct way (jake who is undergoing incredible internalized amatonormativity and doesn't know how to address that / dirk who likes the attention and doesn't have the social understanding to know this isn't what it's supposed to be like) or say they're friends. But there's a good portion of this fandom, as with any fandom, that doesn't understand his aromanticism.

How far into act 6 are you? There's a uhhhhh. Pretty big. Thing. That happens about halfway through. You'll know it when you see it but I don't want to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it yet.

[forest-wolfie]

Am I jumping to the objectum label too fast? Or am I just excited that I have a label I feel describes me

I've been told might not be objectum before and I still think about it because I'm so unsure

It is also late at night when I'm thinking about this so I really could just be overthinking this in general, but I don't know

I get worried I jump to labels or things too fast even if I feel like they perfectly describe the experience I have, because I do tend to really microlabel myself or try to like organize my identity into little sections so it's easier for me to digest

But at the same time, is it really hurting anything or anyone if I am just finding ways to basically describe myself and actually figure out who I am instead of having someone else tell me what label I could be?

These are things I am discovering in my own time and taking said time to research and self reflect, instead of someone saying you could be this and then me googling it for two seconds just so I could apply some label to myself so I wouldn't have to think about who I really am

This is becoming kind of specific but I kinda just needed to dig deep into my brain and get some thoughts out that have been making me itch

It helps for me to just write out my thoughts and let myself go down a stream of consciousness to clean my brain out

I think I am actually figuring myself out but I'm just like. Worrying too much about applying labels I don't need to myself when really thats not the case for me and I am just actually taking time to really explore myself as a being

Basically being alone with my own thoughts and having the time to think about my own identity has been really helpful to me so far even though I have my moments of just thinking too much about it like right now

[the-prince-rambles]

wanted to. perhaps ramble a little (wowee not like that's what this is for!) but yeah. This is. sorta serious? But not 100%. I'm simply going to dump out my brain and hope that something can be gained from this.

I've mentioned on my other blog how stupidly complex my gender identity is (I'm still working out exactly what labels and pronouns would apply even now.) but, I think I've found one. And. what I'm worried about is the fact that its sort of a microlabel, but it hits that one part in my little lizard brain that goes "ough. thats some good label" and. I kind of do identify with it.

And that's Genderfaun.

I won't exactly go into the description of the nuances of it (for one, google is free, and two. I've already sort of explained my gender at the moment on my pride post from my main blog) And. I know its not the biggest of deals. but. finding a label and being able to point at a pretty colour flag and go: "That one. That's me." is really nice..

Pronouns are another whole sack of worms. And thats a post for another time. Although. If I am gonna post more about my gender shit here. maybe I'll do a little series where I write about my experience with that-- My little gender journal.

Anyways. Ramble over. Thought maybe some people out there could relate.

[raedas]

hey i was just wondering how you figured out you were aro?? no pressure if you’re uncomfortable sharing of course ! but i’m kind of questioning and i thought maybe hearing other people’s experiences might help. and also i was in a relationship for almost a year so that’s probably somewhat significant and additionally complicating ahaha <333

hey anon!! first and foremost good luck with figuring everything out <33 i know at least for me, questioning can be a long and hard and typically ongoing process, but we'll make it through :] i'm gonna stick the rest of my answer beneath the read more bc im getting the sense im gonna go on for a bit FGDHLKSFAJ

one of the biggest things for me that i think is necessary to preface everything is that i've never really had an "oh" moment like some people talk about. there's never been a moment where i saw a label or a flag and was 100% sure i fit into that box, its more like... years worth of questioning and then the internal meter in my head slowly ticking over. like, when i was figuring out i was queer, i maybe started questioning in like... fifth grade you could say? but it started as more of a "oh im definitely not but like What if" and then gradually began to tick more and more towards "oh i think i might not be cishet" to eventually when i hit the... idk, 80% or 90% certainty mark it was more of a "fuck it, im queer" feeling. there's always going to be that bit of doubt for me, i think, and coming to terms with being aro was very similar for me in that regards

another thing is i was ALSO in a relationship for almost a year, and that's during the time when i was coming to terms with being aro/arospec, which im sure you can imagine was an Experience. i do think being in a relationship was the best thing for me trying to figure out i was aro though, bc i definitely got that sense of Wrongness of trying to think of myself as existing in a romantic relationship. like, when i thought of myself as having a romantic partner, it always felt a bit like i was playing at a part and acting like i had romantic feelings more than i actually did. of course that came with.. a lot of me trying to ignore my own feelings and feeling guilty about it up until i broke up with my now ex (this is like the funniest inside joke ever to us now dw) so that's where i was coming from w/ my experiences

i also began to realize that like, whenever i try to imagine myself in a romantic relationship, its always in some ambiguous future like 10 or so years down the line, which completely distances myself from the idea. i have no idea what a romantic relationship with someone would look like for me, it was just this idea of "yeah, someday in an ambiguous future ill have a romantic relationship with someone and we'll cook together and hug each other and have fun" until i realized that i don't actually want a romantic relationship, and also that... none of those things that i actually envisioned are exclusive to a romantic relationship. in my life ive had a grand total of 2 crushes, both of which were/are queerplatonic but also like... if i imagine having an Actual relationship its just stressful to me and not even really appealing, despite the fact that i have a crush on them.

one of the most important things im coming to terms is that its okay if im wrong, its okay if however many years down the line i find out that im actually entirely allo and fall in love with someone. like i said i dont know if ill ever be 100% confident in my own labels especially with the whole issue of "how do you prove a negative". for now, though, calling myself aro is something that makes me happy and feels, most of the time, accurate. another really important thing i think is that aromanticism is entirely a spectrum. you could be aromantic or arospec in a billion different ways*, or you could be none of them, and thats okay too <333 good luck with everything anon i hope hearing about my experiences helped a bit :]

[aroacemarie]

peeked in the 'asocial' tag and it seems theres like. 10 million different definitions of it being used in various communities? so i feel like having used the term just now i wanna clarify what *I* mean by it

im gonna pop this under a read more bc its a long one.

im NOT using it as an ace/aro microlabel (not judging those who do tho). i dont consider it a part of my sexuality/orientation/lgbtq identity. its more of just a personality thing?

im also not schizoid, to my knowledge. im sure i have traits of it? or maybe my understanding of it is wrong? i just know i went through a brief stretch where my being asocial meant i was schizoid, but upon more thoroughly researching the symptoms of schizoid personality disorder i determined it did not apply to me.

its also unrelated to social anxiety. i DO have social anxiety disorder, but my being asocial isnt a fear-related trait. basically while social interaction/the anticipation of social interaction can trigger an anxious response in me, i dont have a strong Drive to be social in the first place.

its also why i consider my asocial trait as being different from being an introvert. its kinda like introversion on steroids. introverts still seem to have a need to interact, whereas loneliness is genuinely a foreign concept to me.

i also dont consider it a symptom of my depression... mostly. yes, withdrawing from social interaction is a bigtime depression, its more of a withdrawal in that context than an general inclination. when im withdrawn bc of a major-depressive episode, it is characterized by hurt and an overwhelming sense of dread/hopelessness. when its just my day to day default state, however, it has a peaceful, content quality.

so to describe it by what it IS instead of what it ISNT:

-i describe my being asocial as an extreme lack of a drive to be social. i dont really feel the need to seek out interaction, and while i still absolutely DO interact with the people i like, i tend to be abnormally unlikely to reach out.

-being alone makes me feel content, not lonely. it feels like sitting by the window on a cold day, wrapped in a warm blanket and sipping a warm drink, peacefully watching the leaves float by delicately on a gentle breeze, the with soothing voice of the wind whispering to you a comforting hush.

-i love my friends deeply. even when i dont interact with a friend for an extended period of time, i still think of them with a deep fondness. i picture their smiles, the way they make me laugh, the way their eyes sparkle with excitement when they talk about their interests. i feel a deep warmth in my heart, and reflect on how much i cherish them, even though i dont feel inclined to reach out and chat with them at that moment. i can still miss them too, even if im not necessarily doing anytying to fix it! (for the record, hazel if youre reading this i was thinking about you as i typed this section, ahaha 💚)

-i get exhausted and overstimulated by conversation easily, even when im speaking to someone i love about one of my favorite topics. its pretty common of me to tap out of conversations or "leave you on read" for hours simply because i exhausted myself. that being said, i DO love to have deep, meaningful conversations!

-i dont find talkative friends to be "annoying" or a burden. quite the contrary; im flattered they like me enough to invest their time and energy into speaking with me! i just have low stamina.

-its kind of like when youre doing your favorite hobby or playing your favorite game but youve been at it too long and youre too wiped to continue. thats how i feel about talking to the people i like, but my stamina might only last a minute or two before im metaphorically "out of breath"

-i dont hate people. in fact? i LOVE people. i look upon all the humans out there, living unique lives and unique experiences, and i feel a sense of childlike wonder. i think of how fascinating their perspective of the world is; their core beliefs and how they developed, the things that bring them joy that would seem strange to me, the things they know that i simply do not. but i dont really want to necessarily have a conversation with them. i prefer being an observer, reading the thoughts they share in public forums (like tumblr and twitter). humans are so fascinating. i just wanna watch you for hours like youre in a little terrarium!

-im told im great with people, and honestly i make friends very easily! not to say im never awkward or am immune to social fuckups! but im empathetic and am told have a high emotional intelligence and tend to make people feel at ease. im really tactful and great at defusing conflict (my favorite quote was in college when a friend told me "you could literally tell somebody to go fuck themselves without offending them." love it, ahaha). the thing is... i dont WANT to make friends. ive got everyone i need already, yknow? my Friendship Inventory is full.

im also gonna acknowledge that my asocial nature is very likely linked to trauma. i do have CPSTD from abuse that spanned the entirety of my childhood, from my earliest memories all the way into my mid-late teens. alone felt Safe, and it still does. but its not a Disorder; it does not cause me distress or impede my ability to "function." god knows ive got plenty of disorders/symptoms that DO. but being asocial is not one of them.

anyway, i hope this helps people understand me a bit better. im always worried that im a Bad Friend (being in a 6 year abusive friendship w someone who constantly called me that didnt help) for not reaching out to people/checking on my friends more. its just... a Thing. ive accepted that its not something i can change about myself, and i acknowledge that means im just not compatible with certain people, to no fault of their own. and thats fine! im not gonna be insulted or like you any less just because we arent the kind of people who could have a closer relationship in a healthy way. some folks just dont vibe w each other!

to any of my friends (and acquaintances! we dont need to be close!) reading this, i love you! i mean that, and i hope reading this helps you understand that i truly do, even if im bad at showing it.

stay frosty ✌

[william-s-churros]

the maia arson crimew identity discourse has so heavily featured one of the most classic discourse tactics ill call "deflection sandwich" which is where you sandwich a semirelated inflammatory opinion in between two slices of a Real and Important Issue and then get mad when people respond to your inflammatory opinion instead of the Real and Important Issue, and deflect criticism by constantly pointing out that Actually your post was about the important issue and by engaging with the semirelated inflammatory opinion, people are showing themselves to be shallow assholes who don't care about the Real Thing that YOU care about and therefore their criticisms dont and shouldnt matter

i like dont even know if people do this on purpose or not, but regardless, the result is the same. tbh if you dont want people to respond to the inflammatory opinion you chose to include, the easiest way to get around that is to just not even include it, because by including an inflammatory opinion, you're inviting people to respond to it. and if you care about the Real Issues, then you shouldnt need to include your semirelated inflammatory opinion in the first place, should you? its like you derailed the conversation yourself to begin with and are now acting like its someone elses fault. i mean idk. but anyway

and an addendum to the above: it does kind of suck when people (especially cis people???? but also. other people who are not trans women/transfemmes. lol) act like the harassment of trans women/transfemmes online for the slightest of "transgressions" is, like, not A Real Issue? its like regardless of what good that trans women/transfemmes do, or any of their amazing accomplishments, its like people are just chomping at the bit for an excuse to justify virulently hating them so much that they feel possessed by the urge to tell them that they should die, they should kill themselves, or they should be punished in some way for being "incorrect". its like even if you ~hate microlabels~ or ~are a reactionary~ i think you can find it in your heart to give her a fucking break and like lay off that shit for five fucking minutes or better yet, reassess your priorities? i mean i think a lot of people would argue their opinions of maia crimew have nothing to do with it being a transfemme but like even if thats not actively what youre thinking i would maybe at least consider the possibility that you have some unexamined hostility to trans women/transfemmes burbling in your subconscious, ESPECIALLY if you dont think that its A Real Issue and doesnt need to be discussed, i guess lol idk!!!!!

[wannimoon]

saw a post that bothered me earlier and i cant stop thinking about it so dont mind me while i rant really quick. scroll if u want idc.

does it really fucking matter if bi lesbians exist or not? does it really fucking matter if some trans men identify as lesbians? does it really matter if pansexuality and bisexuality are so similar? does it really matter at all that some people use microlabels, or labels that you dont understand, to define themselves?

its not about everyone being valid no matter what. its about the fact that our oppressors do not fucking care about what labels we use. homophobes are not going to check what our pronouns are and if our labels are “the right ones” we use before they fucking hate crime us.

i genuinely do not care if bi lesbians are “valid” or not. i genuinely do not care if its “possible” for trans men to be lesbians. all i care about is that they’re queer, and so they belong in this community with me and, and so i will respect whatever identity they tell me they are and i will help protect them from those that are trying to hurt us.

the post i saw said something along the lines of “capitalist society encourages individuality to the point of us wanting to distance ourselves from others as much as we can” okay, if that’s how you see it, sure. if you want to avoid microlabels for that reason, that is a completely fair and reasonable stance to take! sincerely! but thats not a decision you get to make for anyone else. and how do you know the people using those labels arent doing so SPECIFICALLY because theyve felt excluded and shunned by people like you, forcing them to try and find community somewhere else, with people who understand them?

if you’re even a little bit concerned with the people around you using the “correct” labels you are actively fighting against queer liberation. the whole POINT of liberation is that we dont try to force ourselves to confine to what “makes sense” to other people. you could argue that microlabels are just a way to make smaller and smaller boxes to force yourself in, and in some cases i’d be inclined to agree with you. but again, thats not a decision you get to make for other people and YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to define for someone else how THEY experience gender and sexuality and how THEY choose to express it.

fuck off with your gatekeeping bullshit. there will NEVER be ANY KIND of queer exclusion that could ever be “woke” or morally correct. infighting in the queer community will always be a win for the oppressor. so shut the fuck up, mind your business, and stop trying to define other people’s identities.

[thegeminisage]

Do u have any advice for a questioning ace or resource references that may have helped u? I consider myself a bi ace and I DO find ppl attractive and beautiful and I feel all gooey/butterflies w attractive ppl but I also don't want to have sex with them?? Like maybe down the line if I really RLLY fall in love with someone and they want that I can try/ease into it but I don't have any intention or want to do that right now. Does that sound ace at all?

the website i went to when i was figuring stuff out was the message boards on aven, but i haven’t been there in over a literal decade, so i can’t vouch for it anymore - i feel like i read that they had a little bit of a racism problem in recent years. reddit is for the most part deeply DEEPLY cursed but i comment over at r/asexuality sometimes (not...under this name i have a secret name lol) and they seem like generally a good bunch. just, uh, don’t wander out of there. i really wish i had a tumblr blog to give you but i find most of them these days are filled with people complaining about aphobia which is SOOO fucking valid but it gets disheartening to see on your dash like ALL the time yk? but if anyone has any they can link ‘em in the notes. imo the best resource is to talk to or read about what other ace people are saying about their feelings and experiences, especially older aces or people who are “used to” being ace, if that makes any sense. not to sound too self-important but being almost two decades out from my first “oh i might be that” moment i like to think i qualify lol. i say this a lot but ftr my door is always open for these kinds of questions!! 

anyway, first of all, the short answer, yes, that does sound totally ace. you can get the butterflies and find people beautiful without finding them HOT/sexually attractive. you can be attracted to someone w/o it being sexual. so if all or most or even much of the time you don’t feel sexual attraction, you’re under the ace umbrella.

asexuality is on a huge spectrum and there’s not really any such thing as like the ace police who are gonna come throw u in jail if you’re not “really” ace. but labels are supposed to describe our experiences, not the other way around - you don’t need to worry too much about if you’re “ace enough,” if that makes any sense. you're allowed to just try it out and think of yourself that way for awhile and see if it feels good and makes you feel more right with the world. a lot of ace people go thru TONS of different labels - i was bisexual, demisexual, a lesbian, a bunch of stuff. so don’t feel like you have to pick one and stick to it.

one of the things about asexuality is that it’s really hard to confirm the ABSENCE of something (which is why a lot of ace people wind up IDing as bi at first - in both cases it’s a situation of feeling the same about every gender, it’s just the switch being flipped “on” or “off” - also please read that post i think it would rly help u). it’s also easy to mix up sexual attraction and libido, and for a lot of people, especially afab people/people with periods, both can fluctuate with both the time of month and your age. so you don’t have to have a clear-cut “ugh NO thanks” reaction or total disinterest in sex/finding other people sexy to “count” as ace. neutrality or ambivalence totally “counts” too (the ace community even coined special terms for people who are sex neutral vs repulsed vs favorable), even having sexual attraction one every other month when the weather is right or having a list of exception “counts” because there are SO many ways to be asexual, it really is such a massive spectrum!!! and aces are the last people who are gonna be gatekeepy about it lol

i don’t personally care for microlabels, i don’t even use the split attraction model because i find the sheer amount of jargon overwhelming/exhausting and difficult to explain to the general population, but reading through the list of them (this list also explains some split attraction model terms) gives you an idea of sheer number of different ways people experience asexuality and attraction to others. it’s part of why i love being asexual, because even if we tend to overthink things, we’re a group of people who are willing to tackle the norms of sex/romance/etc and talk about the different ways those feelings have us interacting with the world. my point is at some point almost every ace person has gone “does that even COUNT as ace?” so like if you’re asking the question imo that’s one of the most asexual things you can do lol <3

anyway, that’s it!! like i said, you don’t have to memorize that whole vocabulary list up there, i personally find the sheer amount of jargon to be too much, BUT i think it’s good to know that there are a lot of ways to “fit” into that ace box. so if it’s a useful label for you and it helps you communicate how you feel to other people more easily, Thats The One, yk? i hope you got at least a little something helpful out of the rambling. ur always welcome to write back if u ever want to talk <3

[mlm-crossing]

maple, amber, cranberry, moonlit & cocoa please :3

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

I wish I stuck with drumming! It was a dream ive had ever since I was a little kid but my anxiety was so bad even back then that I didnt want to be heard so i stopped playing :’(

Also singing but my dad gave me his Cant Sing genes smh

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

hmm I guess that imo labeling ur sexuality/gender shouldn’t be that important? The people you meet influence your hobbies, personality, and views on the world and I dont think your identity is exempt from that.

Like obviously if you find comfort in labels then thats fine you do you. But I’ve never fell in comfortably into any label because I feel like my sexuality is very fluid and changes from person to person. I guess thats why some people like microlabels/mogai but thats not for me </3 I’m just fine doing a shrug when people ask me who i like LOL

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

I. dont get complimented on that much?? I guess my hair because my friends and former relationships were like. always touching it LOL

which is fine because i love it when ppl play w my hair !! its very soft so i cant blame them

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

ahhah messy for sure. Not like, house hoarders messy, I have a few things scattered about but I still clean pretty regularly. 

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

I wish I could pull off dyed hair !! literally any color but I dont like standing out too much oof

I bleached it once and that was a painful experience and I also looked horrible so </3 never again lmfao

I like the way I style my hair but its so thick that it sometimes doesn’t fall right and kind of looks heavier on one side F

[velavesper]

anyway happy pride peace and love on planet earth

for years i spent looking for a microlabel for myself to use and this year i have realized. no label fits me! i am simply some person and that is ok. but i love seeing my friends and strangers being so happy with themselves and who they are and i think thats what pride should be about. we are different why are we alienating each other!!

i think everyone this pride should endulge in kindness. and also not stop being so kind after pride ends. pride month is super important but we gotta raise eachother up and up all the time ! this includes the being straight is illegal image