#like i'm at a point where i am able to remind myself that it's just my brain sabotaging me and people don't actually hate me when they

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

[swordcoasts]

love pursuing opportunities that involve receiving constructive criticism. and then immediately wanting to end it all when i actually do receive said constructive criticism.

[docholligay]

Do you think authors sometimes don't realize how their, uh, interests creep into their writing? I'm talking about stuff like Robert Jordan's obvious femdom kink, or Anne Rice's preoccupation with inc*st and p*dophilia. Did their editors ever gently ask them if they've ever actually read what they've written?

Firstly, a reminder: This is not tiktok and we just say the words incest and pedophilia here.

Secondly, I don't know if I would call them 'interests' so much as fixations or even concerns. There are monstrous things that people think about, and I think writing is a place to engage with those monstrous things. It doesn't bother me that people engage with those things. I exist somewhere within the whump scale, and I would hope no one would think less of me just because sooner or later I like to rough a good character up a bit, you know? It's fun to torture characters, as a treat!

But, anyway, assuming this question isn't, "Do writers know they're gross when I think they are gross" which I'm going to take the kind road and assume it isn't, but is instead, "Do you think authors are aware of the things they constantly come back to?"

Sometimes. It can be jarring to read your own writing and realize that there are things you CLEARLY are preoccupied with. (mm, I like that word more than concerns). There are things you think about over and over, your run your mind over them and they keep working their way back in. I think this is true of most authors, when you read enough of them. Where you almost want to ask, "So...what's up with that?" or sometimes I read enough of someone's work that I have a PRETTY good idea what's up with that.

I've never read Robert Jordan and I don't intend to start (I think it would bore me this is not a moral stance) and I've really never read Rice's erotica. In erotica especially I think you have all the right in the world to get fucking weird about it! But so, when I was young I read the whole Vampire Chronicles series. I don't remember it perfectly, but there's plenty in it to reveal VERY plainly that Anne Rice has issues with God but deeply believes in God, and Anne Rice has a preoccupation with the idea of what should stay dead, and what it means to become. So, when i found out her daughter died at the age of six, before Rice wrote all of this, and she grew up very very Catholic' I said, 'yeah, that fucking checks out'.

Was Rice herself aware of how those things formed her writing? I think at a certain point probably yes. The character of Claudia is in every way too on the nose for her not to have SOME idea unless she was REAL REAL dense about her own inner workings. But, sometimes I know where something I write about comes from, that doesn't mean I'm interested in sharing it with the class. I would never ever fucking say, 'The reasons I seem to write so much of x as y is that z happened to me years ago' ahaha FUCK THAT NOISE. NYET. RIDE ON, COWBOY.

But I've known some people in fandom works who clearly have something going on and don't seem to realize it. Or they're very good at hiding it. Based on the people I'm talking about I would say it's more a lack of self-knowledge, and I don't even mean that unkindly. I have, in many ways, taken myself down to the studs and rebuilt it all, so I unfortunately am very aware of why I do and write the things I do most of the time. It's extremely annoying not to be able to blame something. I imagine it must be very freeing. But it ain't me, babe.

Anyway, a lot of words to say: Maybe! But that might not stop them from writing it, it might be a useful thing for them to engage with, and you can always just not read it.

Also, we don't censor words here.

[citrus-moonlight]

As I often do, I've seen a few posts going around lately lamenting the lack of interaction with fanfiction/fanart here on Tumblr as well as AO3, but after reading a particular comment last night I just need to say this:

If someone tells you that the lack of response to sharing their writing is making them feel so upset that they're thinking of quitting writing altogether, don't tell them that's not a good mindset to have and they should just have fun with it and write for themselves. (have you just tried not being sad? you'll feel so much better!)

Even if you're a writer who felt that way once upon a time but then you changed your mindset so that you don't rely on others' feedback for validation and now you're so much happier, that's not helpful. Because that's obviously not what the person who is feeling sad and defeated is able to do right now, and for most writers/creators that's never going to be possible.

And it shouldn't have to be.

Especially here. Especially fanfiction.

Fanfiction is something that's created because someone loves something and wants to share it with others who love the same thing. And this is specifically a fandom space, somewhere that is supposed to be a community where discussion and dialogue can and is encouraged to happen between the people who write and the people who read. So when there's radio silence when you share something in this kind of space, do you really not see how that would be discouraging?

Because of course I write for myself - I would never get anything down on the page if I didn't - but I share because ultimately I want someone else out there to read what I wrote, and with any luck, to get some joy out of it. But if no one tells me they did, how am I supposed to know? As far as I know I've just been yelling into the void. As far as I know, all that work wasn't worth it.

A metaphor I've seen as an example is that it would be like having someone invite you over and cooking an entire delicious, heartfelt meal, you eat it all without saying anything, and then just leave. Do you not see how that would be upsetting?

We put so much of ourselves into what we write, bits of our hearts and souls and the things that we love and are exploring and are interested in or confused about. It's such a vulnerable thing to share something you've created, so when you tell someone that they shouldn't care if someone else reads what they wrote or tells them that they liked it, you're dismissing a very real and valid experience for so many creators out there.

Because regardless of how slow or fast a writer is, or how big or small their fandom is, it's still hard and takes time and energy and dedication and love - all of it in between our day to day lives from the mundanities to the heartbreaks - to even get something to the point where we're comfortable sharing.

Now, I know that not everyone thinks that writers are silly or selfish or entitled when they ask for feedback. Before I started writing again after many, many years, the main reason I didn't really comment on fics very often wasn't because I didn't think that the authors deserved feedback, it was more that I didn't really think that it would matter. That my comments would just be noted - if read at all - and brushed aside and then they would continue on about their day.

I could not have possible been more wrong. You might think you're just one person and it's just one comment but it's amazing how it can turn a day (or week, or month) around. How it can encourage someone to finish a story, or make a connection they'd been struggling with, or even just manage to add 500 words to a WIP. It is truly incredible to hear that someone loved something I wrote, and if you've ever commented on or reblogged one of my fics, please know that it truly means the world to me.

I've gone through a rough time with all of this lately myself, but I'm doing a bit better now (for the moment), so I just wanted to say this, in part to remind myself when it inevitably gets hard again:

If you're reading this, whether you're a friend or you've never seen me on your dash and never will again: I'm sorry it hurts right now. I'm sorry you feel discouraged and lonely, that it doesn't feel like it's worth it anymore, that you're struggling to find a reason to continue.

But I desperately hope that you keep writing. I hope you keep sharing. You're worth it. I know it's hard, and if you don't want to and you're just tired of the cycle of giving so much of yourself and getting so little in return, I understand that, too. It's ok to be in your feelings about it, it's ok to feel drained by it, and even though knowing you're not alone in your experience doesn't change anything and it still sucks, it's normal and valid and there's nothing wrong with you feeling the way that you do.

But I hope that you are able to find the joy in it again, because you deserve it. ❤️

[multific]

In the High of the Feeling

Mattheo Riddle x Cat Animagus!Reader

Warning: smut, tiny blood play, a hint of breeding kink

Summary: Much like for many animals, heat season was right around the corner for you as well.

A/N: This one has a little Omegaverse feel to it. I did try and make it different but there are similarities. Both parties are +18! 

A/N: This can be read as part 2 of this piece.

Being an animagus had its ups and downs.

Your loving and helpful boyfriend, Mattheo was definitely a bonus.

He would help with any difficulties or tried his best to help. No one in the school knew, none of the students beside him at least.

It hadn't been that long since the two of you got together and he realized your secret.

This will be the first spring the two of you will spend together and you were... for a lack of a better word, nervous.

Extremely nervous.

You knew what spring brought.

It brought a new start. Flowers bloom and animals... yeah.

It was rare for an animagus to be so tied to their animalistic side. But you were.

And with spring, came your heat.

A week where you would have the strongest desire to have offsprings.

Ever since you hit puberty, the feeling was there, but lately, as you got older, the feeling got stronger.

And now, that you had a boyfriend, you knew your body and mind will go crazy, you needed to stay away from Mattheo and you needed a way to explain this to him to the best of your ability.

But how do you explain to a horny guy that he needs to stay away from you because for once it will be you who wants to have sex all the time? With the purpose of getting pregnant.

You couldn't let that happen, you were too young.

You understood it was only nature, but still... no.

"Babe? BABE!" the yell made you snap back into reality as you looked at your boyfriend sitting across you by the table. "You have been distracted lately. Do you have another man or something?"

"Nothing like that... it's-"

"Is it a cat-thing?" he asked as he popped a slice of apple into his mouth.

"Actually, yes." you looked around, making sure no one was there to hear you. "Spring is coming." you said with a low voice and he made a face then a sudden realization. You hoped he would understand.

"You are right! More Quidditch!" you wanted to slap him.

You pinched the bridge of your nose as you let out a long sigh.

"No." you said not opening your eyes to look at him.

"No? Then what Princess? You have to go home for the break or something?"

"My heat is coming." you said, straight up, since you knew dancing around the subject won't help.

"What's that?" you finally opened your eyes and looked at him.

You shouldn't have expected for him to understand.

"Spring brings new life. Flowers bloom and animals..." his eyes grew big with realization. "Professor McGonaghall said she would give me a potion to keep my... needs at bay but apparently the very flower that you would need blooms after my heat would be over so..."

"I'm too young to be a father." was what he ended up saying.

"So am I. It's nature, unfortunately, I can't do anything with it. I will have the week off, I already spoke with the teachers. I have so many things to do. I just wanted to tell you to please just... for that week stay away from me. I wouldn't be able to control myself and... I wouldn't want to force you."

"First of all, you would never force me. I do understand your point now, but I'm also very curious. Tell me more about it. What happens? Does it hurt? What do you do? Do you touch yourself?" you could see in his eyes he was genuinely interested.

"It hurts, unfortunately, yes. But it's a very different pain from like a wound. I would say it's like a heartbreak and a broken leg at the same time. I always have a little area that I put together so I can stay there. I put soft things... pillows, blankets and- Oh that reminds me, can I borrow a shirt from you? Your scent might help me." he only nodded as he listened, he was more interested than ever. "So, yeah I just... I do touch myself, yes. It helps with the pain. I'm just worried about what might happen this time."

"Why?" he reached out on the table and held your hand in his. "What would happen this time?"

"Well, now I have you. I have a partner and my body knows that. So I'm nervous about what would happen this time."

"I see. I will give you the shirts. Many of them. When does this... heat start?"

"You can't really pinpoint it out, it's like a period but it should be this weekend/next week that it starts." you smiled at him, happy he didn't find it disgusting or anything.

"I will bring you my clothes tomorrow then."

"Thank you." but he didn't know, you thanked him for another reason.

The next morning you woke up with a strange feeling. Your foggy mind didn't even realize what was happening. You found yourself thinking more and more about your boyfriend, more specifically, him naked.

You were thankful that last night you at least build your comfort place on your bed.

Your entire body felt hot and your mind could only think of one thing.

The dirtiest images flashed in your mind.

You only ever slept with Mattheo a couple times, but now it was all you could think about.

How soft his skin was, how you could run your fingers over his scars, letting him know that it was okay.

How he smelled and felt like.

How amazing he made you feel as he just kept rolling his hips with a steady rhythm. 

The images flooded your mind as your imagination ran wild.

You wanted him to ravish you. 

To completely fill you up and have your own litter. 

You were going insane. You let out a soft moan when there was a knock on your door.

"Princess? I brought the shirts I promised." his voice, his nice voice, his intoxicating voice.

You felt your ears and tail pop out, you felt your eyes change.

You were gone. Your most basic instincts took over as you walked to that door and opened it.

He was saying something, you saw his gorgeous lips move. But you were far too gone to hear it.

When he looked at you, confused, you pulled him in and locked the door behind him, you pulled on his hair, kissing him with all you had.

Your cat-like teeth managed to scare his lips as you now tasted a little blood along with the tobacco he always smoked.

Your hands found his tie as you began to take off his clothes one by one.

"Hey, hey, slow down." he said as he pulled back as he laughed a little.

"You have too many layers." you said, not even looking at him as you began to undo his belt. That is when he jumped back, keeping you at arm's length.

"Why are your ears out?" you put your hand on his forearm as his hand was on your shoulder.

"I need you." you said with the most intoxicating voice Mattheo had ever heard. He did hear you say those words before. He did make you say and moan many things but this. this was different.

Your voice was filled with lust.

"Oh shit, this is it right? Your heat. Fuck." Mattheo looked around, he knew, he needed to go. NOW. "I-I have to... go." he said but by the time he finished you were completely nude in front of him. His eyes were glued to your body.

Men are such easy creatures.

"Matty, I need you." you said again as he looked into your eyes. 

"Okay... Okay. I-I have condoms."

"Noooo." you walked over to him, you put your hands around his neck as your mouths were only inches apart. "I need you to fill me up. I want to feel it ooze out."

He grabbed your waist with both hands.

It was all too much for him, he felt himself getting harder by the second.

"I'm so wet Matty, please." he had to gulp, he looked away from you and noticed the arranged pillows on your bed. While he was thinking you took the opportunity to make your final move.

He watched as you walked away from him and towards your bed. With your back to him, you knelt down on the bed and moved to lay down with your ass up in the air. You reached under your body and with two fingers you spread your lips, showing him your wet cunt. Then you moved one finger in and dragged it down, letting out a moan as you touched your clit.

"Please, Mattheo." is all you needed to say as you looked at him with your head on the bed.

He lost.

Thankfully he still had the mind to put on the protection.

"Nooo. No condom." you said but he didn't hear you, his focus was on your pussy. 

He jerked himself twice before grabbing your hips and slowly pulling you back, filling you up.

Just what you have been craving for.

You both let out a long moan as he filled you fully. You were finally a little satisfied, feeling his balls slapping onto your skin as his huge cock filled you up to your stomach.

He started off slow, keeping his focus as he felt your tail wrap around his leg then move up his back.

He needed to have control.

You were in a very vulnerable state. He had to remind himself.

But it seemed almost useless because every time you looked into his eyes, his common sense failed him.

Especially when he felt you beginning to move back onto him with rough movements.

"Fuck." he said as he watched you fuck yourself on his cock. "Shit, Babe." but you were a moaning mess. 

If he was far too gone, you were beyond.

"Wait." he said as he almost came, in his nearing high, he grabbed the base of your tail which made you yelp in surprise. "Sorry." he said, knowing how sensitive it was, he ran his hand up your spine. feeling the curve in which you were laying.

He loved it.

He loved you.

You patiently waited for him to began moving again, and when he did, oh how magnificent it was.

His movements were fast, you were sure his fingers will leave their marks but you didn't care.

All you wanted is to feel him fill you up.

Then he grabbed your hair and pulled back on it a little. The room was filled with the noises of skin slapping against skin and moaning.

His name was all you could say as he groaned and moaned. 

Once again you moved your tail around him as he moved you, laying you down onto your stomach, as he put a pillow under it, raising the place he wanted to reach the most. Your fingers entangled with the sheets as he moved back inside you. His two hands by your side as he continued to ruin your pussy.

"So good." he said. "So fucking good. Look at me." and you obliged, looking at him with your cat-like eyes as he was nearing his end. 

"Matty, I'm close." you said as you started to feel the familiar knot in your belly.

Upon hearing that Mattheo knew he needed to set a pace he can keep so you can cum.

He focused on you and you alone, he moved and kissed your shoulder as he felt you tighten.

"Come for me, Kitten." he whispered into your ear as you came with a loud cry. Or, you would have but he put his hand onto your mouth, he felt your sharp teeth gaze along his fingers but he couldn't care.

You felt so tight, warm and wet.

And feeling you cum around him did the trick.

He came with a small shake and a moan as he emptied himself into the condom. However, his instincts did the trick. After, he made long movements as if he was filling you with his cum. Slow and deliberate movements with his softening cock. 

It felt like heaven.

You finally came to your senses a lot more but when you felt him placing kisses along your spine, you knew he wanted this as much as you did.

You seduced him, but you didn't feel guilty about it. 

It seemed that only for a moment he left you but soon he was laying by your side as he put a blanket over the two of you.

"I could get used to this." he said as you cuddled into his side. "You are so sexy."

"It comes with the heat too, I put off a scent which is attractive for men."

"Nah. It was more than that. You were sexy before. We should have done this earlier, I didn't know you could take it so rough."

"I love you." you said as you closed your eyes, ready for a nap before you need your next round.

"I love you too, Princess. I think I could get used to this. Every year, a week where you cannot keep your hands off of me."

"Two." you said with a very drowsy voice.

"Huh?"

"I have heats twice a year. So, two weeks."

Mattheo looked at the ceiling. 

He knew he will need a lot more condoms, he suspected you will wake up within an hour or so and he needed to be ready.

But he can definitely get used to this.

Twice a year.

Taglist: @fleursirvart @greenarrowhead @thisismysecrethappyplace @sincerelyfan @theoneanna @aestheticsandmarvel @rororo06 @castellandiangelo @destynelseclipsa @spilledinkindumpster @capsiclesdoll @puknow @alwayshave-faith @alex12948 @lxdyred  @imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl @anonymoussherlockandmarvelgeek @praline357 @trshngyn @avengers-r-us @violet-19999 @top1bbgloak   @manduse   @jacalineiscomingforyou  @mandoloriancookie @noname2246

~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

DO NOT STEAL, REPOST OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORKS  

[resi4skz]

Title: My Nerdy Girl

Pairing: Chan x Reader

Warning: smut, fingering, kissing, hard thoughts, horny chan, all the shebang

MDNI !!!

You know when you're the most popular guy in college and have girls asking for your phone number? And when you politely reject them because you have a huge crush on your good friend who also happens to be one of your classmates in one of your classes?

Yeah. That's me. I'm currently looking at her eat her lunch, sitting across from her best friend, Luna, who happens to be the girlfriend of my best friend, Han. Luna and Han met because of Y/N last year, during Han's birthday. Now, that was a fun day, even if it did end with Han and Luna going at it in a closet. Good thing no one interrupted them.

Right. Back to my point about Y/N. I don't know what it is about her. I feel attracted to her. I find her cute. Endearing. And the clothes, she's always wearing baggy clothes and it has made my mind to not shut up about the filthy images I've had and been having. Now, I'm not going to deny that I have eye fucked her many times because one could only imagine what's behind all those clothes. And those glasses she wears. Something about her being a nerd makes me want to scream her name every night with my hand down my pants. I've lost count of how many times I've jerked off to her.

"Bro, just tell her already," Han says, munching on snacks.

"Remind me why you're here instead of with your girlfriend?"

"Annoyed much?" He gives me a look.

"Much."

He throws a popcorn at me which I catch with my mouth. "I can't tell her."

"Why not?"

"Because. It's Y/N. I don't want to ruin our friendship," I replied, sighing as I sit in my chair. "Fuck, I want her so bad."

"Ugh," Han groans, rolling his eyes. "Why do I have to do everything myself?" I watch as he fishes out his phone and types something.

"What are you doing?"

"Just so you know," he says putting his phone down. "I'm only doing this because you're like my bro but just this once. The rest is on you." He gets up, pats my back and leaves giving me a peace sign.

What just happened?

------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck me. That's her? She follows the waiter to where our table is. Oh my god. She's wearing a black dress that goes to her mid thighs and she paired it up with suede high knee boots and beige cardigan. If it's one thing that makes me turn feral, it's women wearing black.

Correction: it's Y/N wearing black. And no glasses??

Fuck.

How am I going to survive this date?

As she approaches the table, I stand up pulling the chair out for her. "Thank you," she says as she takes a seat.

"My pleasure."

My pleasure indeed.

------------------------------------------------------------

We're both laughing as we walk side by side by the river. "No, you're telling me that Luna is Han's first girlfriend?" She asked, laughing.

"And the only one from the looks of it," I replied.

How I never knew she would be this fun to be with, I would have made a move much sooner. She places her hand on the railing in front of her, leaning against it as she sighs, looking at the river below us. "It's so pretty."

I glance at her, not being able to take it anymore. So I cage her in from the back, putting my hands on either side of her. I feel her stiffen as I lean in near her ear. "Very pretty. Like you."

She turns her head and her cheeks turn pink realizing the sudden close proximity we're in. Her eyes travel down to my lips then to my eyes. "So pretty," I whisper as I lean in towards her parted lips. "May I?" When she nods, I waste no time. I have dreamt of kissing this woman and to finally be able to do it doesn't even compare to my dreams.

I pull back, our breaths heavy. "Fuck, Y/N. Is it safe to say that I like you?"

She chuckles, fully turns around and wraps her arms around my neck. "Yes, because I like you too. Now kiss me."

"Fuck yes," I say and crash my lips on her. She tastes like cherries. But I break the kiss too soon. She chases my lips but I stop her, gazing into her lustful eyes. "Do you wanna come over at my place?"

She blinks at me, and I can see cogs turning in her brain. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this was too soon. I just want her so bad and I haven't been this fucking hard ever. As I slowly let her go, she fists my shirt yanking me back. I blink down at her, surprised. "Yes."

The ride to my apartment was....let's say it wasn't the best. I had to put all my focus on driving and going above the speed limit was an understatement. The amount of times I just wanted her to climb over and have her way with me.

Fuck.

I'm doomed.

And the fact that my apartment was on the eighth floor. The elevator ride, I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed Y/N against the wall, my face in the crook of her neck, drinking in her scent. I wanted to memorize it. She let out a moan as I sucked on her pulse point, making her whimper. My hands slither around her waist, travelling lower to grip both of her cheeks in my palms, pulling her closer to my body. I felt her arms wrap around my neck, tilted her head to the side for me to gain more access to skin.

I hooked her leg on my hip as my left hand went up her thigh, going beneath her dress to give her ass a tight grip. The material of my jeans rubbed against her clothed clit, and that was enough to set me into overdrive. "Chan..." Y/N whimpered as I sucked on her neck.

I wish I could listen to her whimpers and moans any day of the week. And every night, if she were up to it.

When I finally pulled away, I took a moment to stare at her dead in the eyes before leaning down to smash my lips to hers. She matched my energy as her hands travelled to my hair, her fingers raking through my black locks. Her small whimpers and moans spurred me on, her tongue swirled around mine and my cock grew hard at the sensation.

The dinging of the elevator brought me back to reality as I stepped back and we both walked off the machine. Her giggles are my favorite so far, as I pressed her against the wall, licking and biting along her neck as we tried to walk to my apartment. When we arrived, her hand intertwining with mine, I used my key to unlock the door and allowed Y/N to walk inside first. But as soon as the door closed, she was on me and I moaned into her mouth as I softly slammed her against the nearest wall.

Sliding my hands around her hips, I hoisted Y/N in my arms as her legs wrapped around my torso. Yet again, our lips moved in sync, never leaving, but quickly deepened as I walked over to my room. Upon entering, I head straight for the bed, Y/N’s back hits the soft mattress as I dive right back to her neck as hands fisted my hair giving it a light tug. "Fuck, do that again." She blinks twice before tugging at my hair, making my mind go fuzzy, unable to think straight. In return, I gripped her thigh and pulled it up a bit, lifting her thighs as I grind my hips against hers.

Y/N moaned and grinds her hips back, her covered sensitive clit, giving her the right amount of friction. She squirmed beneath me as the wetness of her panties became uncomfortable. I kissed her deeply, pausing briefly to strip out of her dress, leaving her in her black thong. "No bra?" I asked, blinking at her perky breasts to which her cheeks turns pink. I admired her body, staring at every curve and dip in her skin, running my hands up and down her frame. "Fuck. You're gorgeous."

She had swollen lips as her chest rose and fell with each breath and I trailed my lips down her body. Starting at Y/N's neck, nibbling down her collarbone to the dip of her breasts, making sure to suck her sensitive buds. She moaned, once again running her fingers through my hair and pulling my face closer. Smiling into the kiss, I was starting to love hearing her moan and could listen to them all day. Heck, if it was up to me, I would want to keep her beneath the sheets, under me.

I continued trailing my tongue down the her torso. When I got to her black panties, I look up, and she nods for me to continue. I reached up and peeled the black item of clothing down her legs, throwing it behind me as it joins with the rest of of our clothing.

Pushing her legs open, I run my fingers through her folds before slipping my middle finger into her. “Such a pretty cunt.”

Her cheeks turn pink at the compliment. I watch as her back arches as I thrust my finger inside, knuckle deep, exploring her soft walls.

"Fuck, Channie.” she moaned, closing her eyes in pleasure.

I hovered over her lips as my fingers slowly worked in and out of her. She kept arching and writhing as I continued, mouth wide open as she let out silent moans.

“I can feel you tightening already.” But as I added a second finger, she couldn't contain herself. Her moans spilled out of her like she was a pornstar. Even when I kissed her, nothing stopped the volume she was outputting. “Fuck, I can't wait to fuck you."

Her walls clamp down on my fingers and I silently cursed at myself for not doing this sooner. “Channie…please…” The moans that escaped her mouth as they bounced off my room's walls. If the neighbors complain, I wouldn't give a fuck.

“Please, what?” I smirked watching her come undone at my pleasure. “I can’t hear you, baby.” I started moving my fingers faster in and out of her tight wet cunt that I had been dreaming about. I smile hearing her beg and plead. Gazing up at her lustfully, I smirk before taking her by surprise by leaning down and latching my mouth on her clit. She lets out a muffled moan, making me come up to see her biting the back of her hand.

Something came over me and I swat her ass cheek, making her yelp. "I want to hear you." She draws her hand back as I go back to my first mission and groan at the taste of her juices as they run down my chin. I hear her gasp before her hand grips the back of my head, fisting my hair and then pushes me deeper into her sopping pussy. "You taste so fucking good.”

“Don’t fucking stop,” Y/N moaned, as I run my fingers over her sensitive nub. “I’m so close.”

I couldn't say no to her so I grabbed the back of her knees, pushed her legs towards her chest, and began to devour her. I ran my tongue through her already soaking pussy before sticking it inside of her. Her thighs started shaking as I feel her first orgasm of the night approaching. And it was coming fast. "Cum on my face, baby. Can you do that for me?"

Her walls clenched around my fingers. She moaned my name as her orgasm hit her hard, she closed her thighs around my head as the aftershocks flowed through her body. I trailed kisses up her chest, sucking her sensitive nubs again before smashing my lips to hers.

As I shed my pants and boxers, I felt her watching me and saw her eyes widen at my rock hard cock. I quickly grabbed a condom, teared the corner of the foil with my teeth before putting it on. "Ready?" When she gives me a nod, I hover over her as I aligned myself at her enterance. She cries out as I slide in, all at once. I wanted to move and ruin her under my spell. But the look on her face made me stop. "Are you okay?"

She nods, opening her eyes. "I didn't expect you to be this big."

I laugh. "You've got a smart mouth. I wonder what else it can do."

"Why don't you find out?"

Fuck me. Drawing myself back, I thrust my cock inside her and threw her head back, arching her back as her walls pulsated wildly around me. “So fucking tight…” I hissed as I speed up the pace to the point where I'm hammering into her. Her glistening neck had me going crazy as I licked and nibbled at a spot and mumbled how she felt around me. She felt so tight, so warm, just right. “Babygirl, is this good? Do you want me to go harder, faster?”

I slowed down when she didn't respond, making her whine. I didn't want to pull out because I had wanted to be inside, nice and snug in her warmth. She was stretching well to my size, much to my surprise.

“Channie, if you don't fuck me in the next 5 seconds, I'm leaving you with blue balls,” Y/N stated, eyes glazed over with lust, and her cheek flushed.

"You asked for it," I said as I grabbed her hips and slammed my hips against her at an ungodly speed. She looked so sexy, so good, and willing to take what I had to offer. Fuck, her fucked out appearance was beyond my dreams. My thumb rubbed her sensitive clit making her mewl out loud.

“Oh, are you sensitive?” She nodded at my question. "I'm going to have so much fun with this later on but right now, I need you to come on my cock," I grunted, leaving a hickey on her neck.

“Ahhh…no wait…” She squirmed beneath me, and her hand went to grab my wrist. "Chan, ah, fuck, please." I noticed how she didn’t pull my hand away despite her pleads.

I could feel her walls clenching down around me. “Sorry baby,” I breathed out as the pressure in my balls kept rising. “You’re just too perfect for me."

“Fuck, Channie,” She came with a cry. Her arms wrapped around my neck, her body convulsing as she held me close.

I wasn't far behind. “Oh, fuck. I'm gonna cum. You're gonna make me cum. Fuck, fuck, I'm cumming.” I stilled as the hot sticky cum painted the inside of Y/N's tight cunt.

Our heavy breaths filled the room, bouncing off the walls as I blinked down at her, catching my breath. I pressed my lips to hers as her hands ran down my back. "You okay?"

"Yes," she nods, smiling.

"Wait here," I pull out when I've gone soft and retrieve a small towel from the bathroom. As I cleaned her off, her hand grabs mine and I glance up. "What is it? Are you hurt? Was I too rough?"

She giggles. Oh, I love her giggles. "I'm okay, Channie. In fact, I don't think I can walk." She grins and asks, "So does this mean I'll see you again?"

I smile. "Oh, you'll definitely be seeing me again. Because I intend on seeing you outside of my room." I laugh when she hits my arm playfully. "Y/N. You're mine."

She smiles, beaming at me. "I'm yours."

Settling down in the bed next to her, she snuggles up to me as I wrap my arm around her, kissing her forehead. It doesn't take too long for her to falls asleep, making me smile. "Goodnight, babygirl. Sweet dreams."

A/N: i dont know what to do with myself now.....

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Just Take It | Jeon Jungkook | Part One

Summary: Some of your closest friends betray you and somehow push you into the arms of someone unsuspected. Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 5.7k Warnings: Mentions of cheating resulting in pregnancy and explicit language...I think that's it lol (Barely edited per usual lmao) a/n: You guys seemed really excited for this fic so I'm gonna make it a miniseries since even the poll results were so close so anyways I hope you enjoy! Requested by the lovely @kkusadmirer 💜

"Is everything ready?" I ask my best friend Jina for the hundredth time today. "Yes y/n calm down. This party is going to be perfect don't worry" she says with a smile that doesn't reach her eyes, making me even more apprehensive but decide it's best to just take her for her word instead of digging deeper. 

"You're right, I should probably just go back upstairs and get ready huh?" I say and start heading upstairs to take the curlers out of my hair and finish up my makeup in her old bedroom. "Let me know if you need help, I'll just be putting the finishing touches on everything in the meantime" she calls after me and I respond with a quick 'okay' before running up the rest of the steps I had been ascending.

I walk down the hallway lost in thought and am stopped in my tracks when I find myself bumping into someone, almost falling over but he luckily catches me before I even have a chance to stumble back more than a few steps. 

"Careful there" he teases and I look up and apologize immediately. "I'm sorry Mr. Jeon I wasn't watching where I was going" I say quickly and he smiles at my flustered state. "It's okay darling don't worry about it" he says in a deep tone that has always gotten to me. I take a quick step back to create some much needed distance and to cover up the awkwardness that had settled in. 

"Thank you again for letting us hold our engagement party in your home. Are you sure you still don't mind?" I ask him as well for the hundredth time as if we had time to change things with mine and my fiancé's relatives already on the way. 

"Y/n if I minded I would've said no a long time ago. Don't worry, I'd do anything for you, since you and Jared have been such amazing friends to my daughter. It truly means more to me than you know" he says placing his hand on my bicep to aide in showing his sincerity. 

"Of course Mr. Jeon. Moving to a new state in the middle of your Sophomore year of  college has gotta be difficult for anyone so I'm just happy we could be there for her" I say smiling up at him. He stares at me for a second, studying my features before breaking out of the slight trace he had caught himself in to continue the conversation. 

"I'm sorry you're probably wanting to finish getting ready and I'm holding you up" he says taking his hand off of me and stepping aside so I can walk down the hallway to my intended destination. 

"Don't worry about it. We've got plenty of time as it is so I'm in no rush. Thanks again Mr Jeon" I say, quickly wrapping up the conversation and walk into Jina's room. Before I'm able to close the door though he makes it a point to remind me of something I've always forgotten.

"Haven't we agreed upon calling me Jungkook? Mr. Jeon makes me feel so old" he teases and we both laugh at his words. "Thank you, Jungkook" I say and he smiles, satisfied with the change. "You're welcome" he replies with an heir of sensuality that leaves my brain buzzing and I close the door before either of us has the chance to say another word. 

He's always made me nervous but why does today feel different? It's not like his playful nature is anything new. He's acted like this since the first day I met him and when I had brought it up to Jina she just said he was being friendly so I never really gave it a second thought. 

There's no denying he's a handsome man and from what I can tell him and his ex wife had Jina when they were quite young so he's not anywhere near old enough to make it seem a bit strange but I tend to just deal with the butterflies by ignoring them as much as I can. 

He makes sure to be respectful when Jared's around and he hasn't crossed any lines to my knowledge so I don't mind it. It makes me feel confident more than anything and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

I shake off those thoughts and finish getting ready before I start to panic about being late and end up finishing up a lot sooner than I had planned and as I'm putting on my heels I hear a faint knock at the door. 

"Come in" I call out and my fiancé pops his head in from behind the door. "Aw I thought I would catch you while you were changing" he says with a fake pout leaving me smiling and shaking my head at him. "You'll get to do that plenty of times once we're married you pervert" I tease and he scoffs playfully. 

"You know, now that I think about it I kind of am a pervert aren't I?" he says while stalking towards me, making my breath hitch and my adrenaline start pumping but I have to tell myself to calm down before I do anything stupid. "After the wedding I warn and he backs off like he always does.

I smile and get up from the bed I had been sitting on and give him a quick kiss but he holds onto the back of my neck, keeping me there for a little while longer and deepening the kiss. "You look gorgeous" he whispers against my lips and I smile before giving him a quick peck and pulling back to look at him.

"You don't look half bad yourself" I taunt and he scoffs before granting me a sarcastic 'thank you'. "I'm kidding baby you look handsome as always" I say and he smiles at that and places a quick kiss on my cheek before taking my hand and leading me downstairs to where we're met with a few of our family and friends having already arrived. 

"You should've told me they were here sooner" I whisper to him while I wave at them as we walk downstairs. "I didn't want to rush you" he replies, giving my hand a gentle squeeze leaving my heart fluttering at how thoughtful he had been.

"Thank you love" I say looking at him as if he's the only one I need. "For what?" he chuckles, studying my features almost as if he's committing them to memory. "For wanting to marry me" I say and he laughs at my cute sentiment. "Thank you for saying yes" he replies and at that we start mingling together throughout the crowd and thanking everyone for coming. 

~~~~~

We part ways after a few more groups of people come in and around the time we're going to bring out the champagne I start to look around to see if I can find him so we can both be ready to make a toast once everyone's gotten a glass.

As I look around and ask a few people where he might be they point toward the far end of the house where not many people had wandered to and so I curiously make my way over to the room I had assumed he would be in but before I'm even able to put my hand on the door I hear the voices of not only Jared but Jina as well. 

"We have to tell her" I hear her say and stop short, my heartbeat immediately raising as I hold my breath, waiting for the response. "You told me you were on the pill though. How did this happen?" and at that my heart breaks. "I don't know I guess I forgot to take a couple of them and-" "And so what? You decided that screwing me without protection would work out just fine? Fuck Jina" Jared cuts her off and I hold my hand over my mouth to stop the sobs that I know are sure to come. 

"You were the one that said you wanted to stop using them" she defends. "Oh and so now it's my fault. Jina we both agreed to that and you know it" he says and at that the room falls silent for a moment before he speaks up again.

"What are we gonna do?" he mumbles, leaving the choice in her hands. "We need to tell her because I'm not getting rid of this baby. I don't care if you're going to be in our kid's life or not but either way we're telling her" she says, standing firm on what she thinks is right. 'She should've thought about that before she started fucking my boyfriend' I think to myself and wait for the conversation to continue.

"She deserves to know" she says in a hushed tone and they both agree moments later that they'll tell me after the party to avoid both of our families catching wind of it and at that I walk away as quietly as I can, heading to the bathroom across the house to collect myself before I even try to face anyone. 

'How the fuck could they do this to me? How could they do this to us? Did everything the three of us did together really not matter? All of this love that I gave Jared and he gave me made me feel like we were gonna last forever but I guess my wants and needs weren't enough for him. He wanted what he wanted and found that in my best fucking friend. 

I chuckle dryly at that thought and how ironic it sounds at the moment. The wants to avoid the drama of the rest of the family knowing? Well they don't have that kind of luxury anymore. 

I collect myself a few moments later and make my way out of the bathroom to intermingle again until I happen upon my soon to be ex fiancé in the crowd. 

"Hey honey" I say and I can see him trying to hold back the guilt at my words and I hold back from ripping his head off for the sake of what I'm about to do. "Should we go ahead and bring out the champagne and make a toast?" I ask and he nods his head agreeing wordlessly. 

"Great I'll ask Jina to help us out" I say and I can see how stiff his whole body becomes after I mention her name and he laughs it off and walks closer to me and I hold out my hand for him and guide us both over to where we've placed everything for the toasts. 

~~~~

"Does everyone have a glass?" I call out and everyone says yes and Jina makes her way around, filling everyone's glasses but her own. "Okay great Jina go ahead and grab a glass and then if you guys don't mind we'd like to pose a toast!" I say and everyone places their full attention on both Jared and I who are standing side by side. 

I watch as Jina tentatively fills her glass half full knowing full well that she won't be drinking any of that but I singled her out as a way to make her even more uncomfortable. Serves her right honestly but it's only just begun. 

"Okay everyone, firsts things first I would just like to thank all of you for coming. It is just so wonderful we could all gather here together and the fact that you all made the effort to come and celebrate Jared and I is just something that I won't ever forget so thank you again from the bottom of my heart" I say and hear murmurs of 'You're welcome's and 'Thank you for inviting us' throughout the crowd and I continue on after those die down.

"Another person I would like to thank would be my best friend who I couldn't have any of this without her including being able to host this party in her's and her father's wonderful home so thank you both for that" I continue and I look for Jungkook in the crowd and see him raising his glass to me and I turn my attention to Jina moments later and see the forced smile on her face and I smile back at her and take a deep breath before continuing. 

"You know Jina has been such a great friend to both Jared and I and the countless memories we've made together are something that I'll always hold close to my heart. One memory in particular is one that I think we'll all remember for the rest of our lives is one that I would like to share with you all" I say and I watch as Jared and Jina make nervous glances at each other but I hear the room fill with words mentioning how cute our friendship is and how it's nice to have close friends that get along. Oh boy they're about to know just how well we all get along. 

"This one actually just happened not too long ago, in fact it was just today wasn't it guys?" I say making eye contact with the both of them and I can see as both of them realize that they've been caught. 

"Yeah it's funny I was looking for Jared not too long ago to try to find where he had scurried off to and low and behold I found him and Jina having a cute little chat together just over there" I say and motion to the secluded part of the house where they had been and I see the crowd go from happy to confused. 

"They had been talking about how they had a surprise and they needed to tell me after the party but I figured that I would just give them an opportunity to say it now so all of us can hear it together. Would you guys like to share it with everyone?" I ask the two of them and wait a few moments before Jared tries to shut me down. 

"I think that's probably a conversation we should have in private right Jina?" Jared says, pleading with her to back him up. "Oh are you guys too shy? Don't worry I can say it" I counter, brushing him off. "Y/n I don't really think that's necessary" Jina now tries to reason with me but I'm way too far gone by now.

"Why not? Doesn't everyone deserve to know that you're pregnant" I say, pausing for the rest of the family to smile at the surprise and some of them start to congratulate her but before they can get too far I continue on. 

"Yeah she's pregnant with Jared's baby! Isn't that so sweet?" I say and at that point the room goes so silent you would hear a pin drop and I break it by continuing to rub salt into the wound. 

"I know right? It's so crazy isn't it? It was a surprise to me too. Congratulations to the both of you" I say and down my drink while they stand there speechless as does the rest of the crowd. 

"So yeah anyways thank you all so much for coming and get home safe!" I say and make an exit into the backyard while Jared and Jina chase after me. 

"Y/n, y/n wait. Please" Jina calls after me first, following as I make my way over to the clearing behind the house and away from prying eyes. "Why should I wait huh? It's not like you waited and thought 'Hey maybe it's not the best idea to be raw doggin my best friend's boy friend' or were you guys still fucking by the time you asked me to marry you?" I ask the two of them and they both just stand there in silence. 

"You know what, you guys are perfect for each other. The whore I thought was my best friend and the whore who chased after her because neither of you could keep it in your pants. Thanks a lot, have a nice life" I say and storm off into the small clearing behind Jungkook's house, praying they won't follow me. 

"Oh and another thing" I say before walking too far, "I'm keeping the ring to compensate for emotional damage you bastard" I spit at my ex and his jaw drops, never having heard words like that come out of my mouth ever let alone directed at him. 

"Baby wait I can explain" he says trying a pathetic excuse of trying to get me to get him to hear him out. "Pretty sure I heard everything I needed to hear when you were having your little rendezvous earlier" I say, fully admitting to listening in on their conversation. 

"If I never see either of you again it'll be too soon" I say and continue on into the clearing, walking just far enough to be out of their view. "We really fucked up didn't we?" I hear Jina say and soon hear Jared scoff in return. "We fucked up? No you fucked up! You should've been more responsible" he throws back at her and storms off. "What the fuck Jared don't you dare walk away from me" she yells and chases after him, following him back into the house. 

After taking a few deep breaths and convincing myself over and over again that this is for the best and I'm better off without them I slowly make my way back into the yard and sit on the bench that's furthest away from everything, hoping no one finds me out here. Luckily it does the trick and I'm able to avoid facing anyone from the party and soon hear all of their cars leaving and the place falls silent. 

"They're all gone now if you want to come inside" Jungkook says, walking over to me tentatively, making sure he doesn't do something to make me run off. I look up at him with a tear streaked face and try to smile but ultimately end up hanging my head, hiding what little emotions I've let myself show and he walks over and sits on the far side of the bench I'm on. He doesn't say anything, he just sits with me and lets me ride the wave of emotions I'm feeling but also letting me know he's there if I need him.

I let out a few shaky breath after having let a few more tears fall before collecting myself and drying my eyes. "I'm sorry" I whisper and he turns towards me with a confused look on his face. "Whatever for?" he questions, puzzled as to why I could possibly be apologizing. 

"For the show I put on back there. I was just so mad when I overheard them talking and I don't know, I felt like I wanted to humiliate them since they decided to fuck behind my back like how fucked up can you be to sleep with your best friend's boyfriend?" I spout off and then look over and remember who I'm talking to. 

"I- I didn't mean. I'm sorry Mr. Jeon" I apologize again and hang my head in shame. I'm met with a chuckle as a response and when I look up at him I can see that he's clearly very amused. "What's so funny?" I question and he continues to laugh. 

"I'm sorry darling, just seeing how horrified you looked when you remembered that you were talking shit about Jina to her father was kind of hilarious and honestly adorable" he chuckles and I let out a breath and smile at him, happy he wasn't offended by it. 

"I wasn't thinking straight, I'm sorry" I apologize again, feeling so so guilty for bringing all of this drama to his house. "Hey, you have nothing to apologize for" he says softly, placing his hand on top on mine. The one that happens to be sitting on my thigh and I gulp at the sight of his big hand enveloping the sight of my hand and now has his fingers resting high up on the inside of my thigh. 

"It's not your fault that they're both fucked up and you got caught in the crossfire okay? So please don't apologize about that again" he says and I nod my head mindlessly, my eyes still focused on the hand that is now squeezing my thigh in reassurance but I can't get past the feeling of having his hands on me like this. 

He stands up a second later, taking his hand off of me and I look up at him, almost as if questioning why he stopped and he simply smiles at my cute reaction. "Let's head inside alright? It's gonna start getting cold out here soon" he says and I nod my head, wordlessly following him back into his home. 

"Did you want a drink?" he asks and I jump at the opportunity. "Yeah I'll just take this" I say while grabbing one of the barely opened champagne bottles. "Did you want a glass?" he chuckles, watching as I take a big gulp out of the bottle. "No need, this is fine. Might as well not let it go to waste right?" I say and he hums in acknowledgement while poring himself a drink. 

I walk around his living room and take in everything about it, reminiscing about all the memories and shared laughter there had been here over the last couple of years and find my mind wandering a bit. "I'm really gonna miss this place" I say, meaning to keep it to myself but accidentally voicing it loud enough for Jungkook to hear as well. 

"You're welcome to come back here anytime you'd like" he replies, startling me when I realize he's gotten closer and is now sitting on the couch directly behind where I stand, facing the mantle and looking at the various pictures placed on it. Pictures of Jina, Jared and I over the years, ones that no doubt Jungkook had taken. 

"I always hated this picture" I say mindlessly and I hear him get up off the couch so he can see which one I'm referring to. "Oh the one where I took all of you to the beach house a few years ago for your birthday? Why? Didn't you have fun?" Jungkook questions, genuinely surprised with my reaction to it. 

"No it's not that, I had a great time. I just feel like I look like a wet dog in that picture" I admit and I'm granted with a little chuckle beside me. "Hey" I whine and glance over at him, my breath hitching when I realize just how close he's gotten. 

"You know what? Now that I think about it I don't really like that picture either" he says and I turn my body to fully face him, highly offended and demanding he explain himself. "I didn't like the way that Jared was touching you that day. He couldn't keep his hands off you and I know that it was making you uncomfortable" he says, lowering his voice an octave and causing a shiver to run through my body. 

"How did you-" "When a man really pays attention and cares for you he can tell from the slightest change how their woman is feeling. I guess he just never got the memo" he says, glaring at Jared in the picture and how he unashamedly has his hand placed directly on my ass while I'm wearing a swimsuit that I had already felt uncomfortable in in the first place. 

My mind goes into overdrive with what those words could've possibly meant. 'Was he paying that close of attention to me that he noticed something small like that? Has he been jealous of Jared? Does he care for me?' are just some of the questions that start swirling around in my brain and before I can register what had happened next he's gone and sat on the couch and is suggesting I come sit down as well. 

"You've had a long day don't you think?" he asks and I nod my head and sit on the other side of the couch making sure to keep proper distance between us. "Yeah I guess you could say that" I chuckle dryly and take a drink from the champagne bottle I still have in my hand but end up spilling it on myself. 

"Shit" I say and Jungkook quickly grabs a napkin to help clean up having spilled some on the couch as well. "I'm sorry" I apologize, constantly finding more and more reasons to apologize and he shuts me down again. "A little champagne never hurt anybody don't worry about it" he says, brushing it off and leaving me feeling a little less guilty. 

"Why don't I grab you a glass and give you some of my clothes to wear so if we have another little mishap it won't be as big of a deal" he offers and before I can refuse he's already given me a glass and is halfway up the stairs. Gosh my brain really must be working in slow motion already. 

~~~~~

After Jungkook gives me a big t shirt and sweats I change into them and tie the drawstring tight to aide in keeping the pants up and look in the mirror of the bathroom I had been changing in and realize how much of a mess I look like right now with smudges of mascara under my eyes and my nose all red from all of the crying I had been doing earlier. 

I quickly wash and dry my face and throw my hair up and out of the way since at this point theres no saving this look and just accept defeat, walking out in my now more casual look and find him sporting an almost identical one. 

"Feel better?" he asks and I nod my head and walk towards where he's standing. "Come here" he says holding out his arm and pulling me into a hug. I melt in his embrace and almost start tearing up a bit again, but push back a little and softly break apart from his embrace before the two of us sit down. 

"I don't know how to feel honestly. I feel angry and sad and betrayed and relieved and heart broken and I don't know. I'm just confused" I start and he nods his head, encouraging me to continue and so I do. 

"We've been together since before Jina and I had ever met and things had always been so good between us and then when Jina came along it felt like things had gotten even better if that's makes sense. We had our three amigos group going and whenever we were together it felt like the rest of the world didn't matter. Or I guess at least that's how I felt" I say and take a shaky breath in and out before preparing to say the next part. 

"When Jared and I got together, I told him right off the bat that I wanted to save myself for marriage and he respected that. I will admit that we both had gotten close to breaking that boundary I set  once or twice but he always backed off when I asked him to and I was thankful for that. Guys my age or guys in general don't really respect that sort of outlook anymore so the fact that he was more or less willing to date me after knowing that gave me hope for us" I say, letting everything off my chest.   

I down my glass and pour myself another one before continuing on and I take into account that he's watching my every move. "I figured 'If he had a problem with it and got tired of it then he would've dumped me' or 'He's had really good self control all of these years so that must mean there's something special between us'. So when he asked me to marry him I said yes without thinking twice. I had my knight in shining armor, the one who waited for me and I couldn't be happier" I scoff, taking another gulp of champagne. 

"Looks like he waited to have me but got someone else to fulfill his needs on the side" I mumble and down the rest of my glass before pouring another and I can see the concern in Jungkook's eyes growing but I pay no mind to it. 

"You know after all that I just can't help but wonder 'Was it all worth it? Was saving myself and in the end losing the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with worth it?' At this point my virginity is becoming more of a hassle than anything and honestly I don't want it anymore" I say, finally voicing how I had been feeling about keeping myself pure for a while. 

"I feel like it would be best if I just got it over with and went on with my life you know?" I say, finally looking at Jungkook and I can see how dilated his pupils are and how ragged his breath has gotten, doing a horrible job at concealing it.

"Can I ask you something Mr. Jeon?" I question, leaning towards him, a new gained confidence flowing through me from all the alcohol that I had consumed in such a short time. Downing glass after glass throughout our whole evening. "Jungkook" he rasps and I feel a fluttery feeling building in my stomach. 

"I'm sorry, I always seem to forget. Jungkook, can I ask you something?" I repeat placing my hand on his thigh, feeling the muscle tense up at the contact but he nods nevertheless and waits for me to continue. "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" I question, wondering what his experience might've been like. 

"Um, when I was about eighteen I guess. It was right before I graduated high school" he answers truthfully and I nod my head, mulling over what I plan to say next.

"It seems like a man of your age has had his fair share of sex am I right?" I ask and see him gulp at my assumption. "I guess you could say that" he responds and leans back a bit when I get closer. "Mr. Jeon do you have a girlfriend right now? Someone you might be seeing?" I ask, making sure that in my tipsy state I won't make the same mistake my hopeless excuse of a best friend and ex made. 

"No, I uh I'm not seeing anyone" he says quickly and I nod my head and wait a moment to get my words together. "Do you think you would mind taking my virginity?" I ask and at that his jaw drops, not expecting to be asked something like that straight away but in this state I guess you could say I'm full of surprises. 

"I- What?" he asks, confused and concerned as to if I actually meant what I said and not only that but clarifying to make sure he's heard me right. "I'm asking you if you would take my virginity. You said you'd do anything for me remember?" reminding him of his words from earlier in the day. 

"Y/n I think you might've had a little bit too much to drink" he says scooting back from me to create some distance but I close that distance moments later. "No I'm fine, I haven't even had that much silly" I say, slowly starting to slur my words but still conscious enough to make them coherent. 

"Look I think that's something you should keep until you have a chance to give it to someone special. Someone who you care about and cares about you too" he says, trying to softly reject me but it falls of deff ears.

"I care about you though. Don't you care about me?" I pout and he shakes his head and tries hard to hide a smile but fails. "Of course I care about you darling but I think you're too confused and too drunk to be making this sort of decision" he say holding my shoulders at arms length to keep me from getting any closer to him.

"It's okay Mr. Jeon I know what I'm doing. Oh! I mean Jungkook" I say cutely, leaning in a bit more and his arms give in, letting me get a bit closer so as to not harm either one of us. "Don't worry I won't tell Jina" I say and he clears this throat at the sound of his daughter's name. 

"Y/n I really don't think this is a good idea" he says, watching almost helplessly as I place my hand on his shoulder and use it to anchor myself as I climb onto his lap and although his words have said otherwise, his hands are the ones that guide me by my hips to sit on his lap, giving me a boost of confidence in my decision.

"Can you do this for me?" I ask and his eyes ping pong between mine, seeing how blown out my pupils are and notices how hot my skin has become. He stays silent and just takes in all of my features and waits for my next move. I lean in closer to him and run my fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck. 

"Just take it" I say against his lips and without a seconds hesitation he grabs the back of my head and smashes his lips against mine. 

It's a mess of lips and tongue and teeth, accompanied by the sound of him groaning and pulling me closer and me moaning at the feeling of being desired by someone like him. Someone strong and confident and undeniably sexy. Someone who wants me just as much as I want him but before I can fully grasp what's about to happen I feel myself slipping away and lose control of my body. 

"Y/n?" Jungkook questions feeling my body slump against him after I had broken the kiss and rested my head on his shoulder. He smiles at the realization that I had fallen asleep in the midst of it all and wordlessly stands up, carrying me off into the guest bedroom and laying me down to sleep there for the night.

"Goodnight darling" he says, placing a kiss on my forehead before walking out of the room and slowly closing the door behind him.

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[weaselle]

RECOVERY

I spent a lot of my life depressed without admitting it to myself and then i spent a year so depressed i could hardly make myself do the bare minimum to keep my body alive, and now it's about 3 years since i got up from that lowest point and while i am still struggling with myself things are objectively a lot better.

and i just want to put a couple things i've learned, both to remind myself of how far i've come, and in case any of what i've experienced helps anyone else.

You can't run from the darkness

When you're super depressed it's easy to focus on how much you don't want to be depressed. When everything is darkness you tend to wish you could escape that darkness.

but you can't. The darkness is all around you. You can't run away from it without running deeper into it.

instead, follow the light.

don't think of it as escaping depression, think of it as seeking joy. Don't run away from the darkness, walk toward any lights you can see.

At first it will be very small things. The taste of a food. The way your favorite color looks. A smell you like. For me one of the first things i could find to remind me of joy was the way a warm shower feels.

I would just stand in the shower and lean into the tiny, tiny joy of that feeling. I would describe it to myself, how it felt good, what about it felt good. It didn't cure me, it didn't make me less depressed, but it was a little point of joy to focus on, to breathe into like a tiny candle flame in my darkness.

I would memorize that feeling, so that later, when i felt like nothing ever brought me joy anymore, i could think, no, that's your depression lying to you, you felt joy, however small, right there in the shower just yesterday. And, maybe there is more somewhere else.

Even today, it's been a hard week, i'm feeling a lot of hopeless and helpless feelings clamoring away at me, but... i have spicy soup. And spicy soup is a NEW joy. I found spicy soup joy as i was following any little light i could out of the deepest part of my depression.

I never put hot sauce in soup before then. But today i am drinking the broth of a very spicy soup and as much as everything else is complicated and difficult and scary and dark, there is a bright mote of joy in this sip of spicy soup. And in the next one. And the next. I enjoy it, i love it, all the more that it is new, and if i had given up four years ago, i never would have known this small joy, this new favorite tiny thing.

Who knows what other little joys i may find?

If you have come to a place in life where you have lost the knowledge of how to feel joy, it is important to remember that feeling joy is like anything else in life. The more you practice, the better you get, the more of it you can do at higher levels.

And there are only so many minutes in the day. The more of them you spend acknowledging what feels good, the less of them will be left for feeling bad.

you can't escape the darkness by fleeing from it, but you can find the light by moving toward it.

Chop Wood Fetch Water

Another thing i learned was a truth about the exercise advice you always hear.

For where i am in my recovery now, common exercise has very little impact. I don't really get the endorphins people talk about, and i don't tend to feel better about myself after i work out unless i already feel pretty okay about myself to begin with. i don't mean to say there is no point in me exercising, but, i walk about ten miles a day holding onto 8 energetic dogs and i do a fair amount of lifting and bending and stuff for my job, and it's fine but it's not, like, doing a whole lot for me at this point in my recovery (tho i do think more recreational exercise will come back into play a stage or two on in my healing process)

HOWEVER

There was a year there where i was only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. When i was only able to force myself to eat just enough each day to stay alive because i'd made a promise to myself, and that promise was almost all i had left.

and the right kind of exercise is what pulled me out of that.

the RIGHT kind.

See, someone close to me needed help with a physical job. That was an important part and why this method is known historically as some variation of Chop Wood Carry Water -- it's intensely physical, which is important, but also, it helps the people around you. These days our personal communities tend to not need wood copped and water carried the same way. But you can get the same effect helping someone move all their furniture, doing all the yard work for your friends and/or family, volunteering for a charity that builds housing for homeless people, SOMEthing physically taxing that helps people.

In my case, my aging father needed help re-shingling the roof. So i promised i'd help.

So i got up every morning because he was expecting me. And i climbed the ladder because he would see me if i didn't. And i lifted and carried and hammered and worked hard. It took a week of six to eight hour days.

Right away, the fact that it was helping someone else made it not matter so much that it didn't feel like it was helping me at first. I couldn't deny that i was doing something good, that my existence had positive meaning, however small.

But very soon, it changed something fundamental in my state of depression. You can't do physical labor in the sun 7 hours a day without drinking a bunch of water. Without working up an appetite. Without getting very tired at the end of the day.

See, i had been struggling to make myself drink enough water, i was fighting to make myself eat even one small meal's worth of food each day, and i couldn't get a good night's sleep to save my life. And these things all made my depression much much worse. You think you get sad or angry from skipping a meal, consider being chronically undernourished. You think your mental state is worse after pulling an all nighter, think about what never getting a good night's sleep does.

But a couple days into this job with my father, and suddenly i was hydrated, i was eating full meals, and i was sleeping soundly at night.

THAT is what pulled me out of that deepest part of my depression.

So in a way, it was exercise that saved me. But not how people often say "have you tried exercising?" More like pushing myself physically to the point that my body demanded the things that previously i couldn't get it to want for itself.

Instead of forcing myself to eat i was craving food. Instead of staying up to all hours and then tossing and turning, i was physically exhausted and slept early and hard. (and, weirdly, being physically exhausted was somehow a relief from being emotionally/mentally exhausted)

Lastly

Healing often isn't noticeable while you're doing it

"healing is a process" is something you hear a lot, but i think it's more helpful to say something like

"Healing is like growing your hair out from short to long. You can look in the mirror every day and not notice it happening. And even when you can tell for sure it's longer than it was, you still can't really do anything with it, and it may seem pointless. But then one day you can tie it back in a ponytail and you realize how much it's grown and how many options are open to you now and you're really glad you stuck with it"

Now excuse me while i go meditate on the joys of my remaining spicy soup.

[beegalactica]

The real 'glow-up' is all mental.

With it being the prime season for the 'how to glow up' guides to make their rounds in the media we consume, it is always worth reminding yourself that the only way you are going to 'glow up' on the outside is if you 'glow up' on the inside.

I personally get annoyed with the whole glowing-up phenomenon because it perpetuates this idea that there is some kind of 'end goal' in life and once you reach it, everything will be perfect. In a world where the idea of what it means to be attractive, intelligent, successful, or desirable in any way is constantly changing, there is only one constant: YOU.

You are a lifelong investment, and you are worth every penny, second, and ounce of effort you put into yourself.

Let's go over some of my glow-up tips and habits for you this year and examine how much of your levelling-up will really need to take place in your head.

Invest in your hygiene. This doesn't mean buying the most expensive skincare and having a 30-step routine, this means brushing your teeth every day, taking showers regularly and looking after your hair. Of course, we all want to achieve that 'clean girl aesthetic' but to me, simple hygiene is the best way to send a message to your body and mind that you care. Nothing says "I love you just the way you are" to your body like taking the time to clean it, care for it and pay attention to what it needs.

Invest in your surroundings. Now I know, making your bed every morning can be an unnecessary waste of time, especially if you're just going to end up getting back into it at night, but I like to think that my surroundings reflect my mental state, so if my room is a mess, best believe my mind is a mess too.

Invest in your interests. Start a hobby, pick up a new skill, try to find a book that interests you, or even start a Tumblr blog 😉😉! This year, I am focusing on really cultivating myself and becoming an interesting person who has things to talk about with people, instead of mindless gossip or resulting in self-deprecation to entertain others.

Invest in your happiness. Do what makes you happy. Distance yourself from those who seek to pull you down, to prop themselves up. You are worth so much more than that. Sometimes, those people are in our households, and the only way to cope is to know what makes us feel good and chase that happiness. Know that whatever issue you are facing shall pass and you will feel good again.

There is a common belief among people who may struggle with their self-image that once they fix this, or change that, everything will be perfect, but as someone who has had that mentality, it won't. If you want to lose 10kg for example, but hate your current body, waking up skinny tomorrow won't fix that voice in your head that tells you that you're still not good enough. If you love yourself as you are, and acknowledge that exercising is a form of self-love, and it doesn't take away from it, that mental glow-up will begin to manifest itself physically.

What's the point of others complimenting you daily if you don't believe it or can't accept it because you don't think of yourself the way that they do?

Trust me when I say this, my biggest milestone on my 'glow up journey' was not losing x amount of weight, but looking at myself in the mirror, first thing in the morning with no make-up or styling, and still being able to say "Damn, I'm so beautiful." And I can confidently tell you that to reach this point, I didn't set the intention of losing weight and trying to become more beautiful, I set the intention of loving and accepting myself the way that I am and all the actions that followed after stemmed from this love that I have. I didn't feel the need to exercise because I wanted to be skinny, but because I knew that it was what my body needed, and I loved my body so much that I was willing to do that for her.

It's easy to get wrapped up in so many things and lose sight of yourself, but when that phone is off and you're all alone, disconnected from the rest of the world, what do you say to yourself?

P.S. If you're reading this thank you all for the love on my first post! Opening Tumblr every day to new notifications has created this sort of excitement and extreme joy that I didn't even know was possible! Stay safe and take care of yourself 💗💓

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

Butch made me love myself.

When I started transitioning I tried to reject masculinity to the umpteenth degree. I tried to go as feminine as possible, and people around me expected me to. I tried to be feminine in so many ways that honestly looked just as awkward as all the years I was pretending to be a man. It helped with some old dysphoria, sure. But I developed new forms as well. It forced me to double down on standards of feminity, standards of beauty, standards of womanhood I felt I would never be able to achieve in this body. I wasn't even sure I wanted those standards, but after so long of "manhood" causing the crisis inducing self hatred, feminity seemed like the only option. I got half decent too (I can do some killer lip looks these days). But I was lying to myself, and I didn't love myself. I loved the idea of what I thought I should become.

One of the most healing things I did for my transition was embracing feminine masculinity. I turned around, looked at that battered and discarded part of myself, picked them up and held them close. I dusted them off, cleaned them up, and gave them a shiny new coat of paint and polish. I let myself explore that without self judgment. I made myself love myself. Butch made me love myself.

Butch made me love my hands. Where before they were permanently a reminder of dysphoric manhood, now they are strong butch hands. There to hold, caress, protect. The thick fingers, once a thing I hated, are now something multiple femmes have pointed out as something they explicitly find attractive about me.

Butch made me love my size. I'm a large human, not even from a body fat standpoint. I dwarf basically every other woman in the room. Again, what was a dysphoric remnant of manhood, has become a point of butch pride and joy. I can protect my community with this size. When my femme needs to be held, I can wrap my entire being around them to help them feel protected, safe, loved. People see pictures of me, showing off how big of a butch I am, and cheer. It even made me love my fatness, my chubby body. Claiming butch in its entirety nipped nearly every single piece of internalized fatphobia I had in the bud.

Butch made me love my loudness. I'm obnoxious, boisterous, wear my heart on my sleeve, and most importantly, LOUD. Being loud while trying to be hyper feminine always felt antithetical. I'd clam up, make myself small. But loud and masculine go hand and hand like PB&J. I love being a loud butch so much.

Butch made me love my behaviours. My desire to be chivalrous. How easily flustered I am. How obnoxious I can be when something gets me really excited. How goddamn embrassingly "God you're lucky you're cute" oblivious I am. All of those things, in the framework of being butch, feel right. Desirable. Lovable.

It's funny looking back on so many photos of pre-transition me. I looked butch. Not just a little butch. But REALLY butch. The hair, the clothes, even the way I held myself. The only thing I'd been missing was the right hormonal setup, estrogen and all it came with. Instead at the time I saw manhood. Not masculinity, but manhood. Something I was so desperate to free myself from that I abandoned the things that made me happy in the process. Butch allowed me to find those pieces of myself again. Butch taught me that masculinity doesn't have to mean manhood. Butch made me realize that they're good desirable parts of myself, and have a place in womanhood.

Butch made me love myself.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Asking in completely good faith here - how is a bullet journal different from an already made planner?

I have a daily planner that has hourly increments and a place for notes. I color code it in terms of meetings, appointments, to-do list. I just put everything in there and it's for the year so if it's something for a future date I just flip to that date and put the item on that date. I check off my to do list during the day and anything I don't get done, I just put on the next day's to do list.

I'm just curious how a bullet journal differs?

Without actually seeing your planner and how it's set up/your system for it, I probably can't give an accurate answer. Plus I'm very new to this and still learning the basics. But my guess is it's probably in the simplification and customisation of a bullet journal.

There's a funnelling effect of going year-month-days that I think I personally am finding particularly useful - when I work out what I need to do for the day, I'm finding it very helpful to be able to go back to the monthly list and remind myself of tasks that have completely dropped off my radar because I was busy hyper focusing on something else. There have been points where I haven't completed a task, too, but haven't wanted/been able to migrate it to the next day; it's helpful to be able to pick it up days later instead. Again, the monthly log is great for that.

Àlso, for me personally, hourly increments would make me feel stressed, I think. But bullet journals are just notebooks, so you can space things however you like, which for me means avoiding adding phantom time pressures. I think that's probably the real answer - a bullet journal gives you freedom to arrange everything however you personally find it most helpful.

But, you know, you've found a system that works!

[twistmusings]

Character Analysis of the Twisted Wonderland Dorm Rooms - Ignihyde

Dorm Room Character Analysis Series

Heartslabyul | Savanaclaw | Octavinelle | Scarabia | Pomefiore | Ignihyde | Diasomnia

Idia Shroud

Idia's room is an interesting case because I can't exactly tell if it's meant to be cluttered or if it's intended to be messy. There is a difference to be noted with that - cluttered meaning that there's a lot of items that are disorganized and not put away but are clean, whereas messy would be more characteristic of trash lying around or visible dirt. For that reason, I think it's worth talking about some real life examples, so the next paragraph I'm going to be expounding on that a bit with an example from myself. I promise there is a point to this.

When you are talking about mess and clutter both, they can be common in people who are neurodiverse and people who struggle with their mental health. As someone who has been diagnosed as Neurodiverse (currently working with a psychologist in order to get a better understanding of the specifics of that) and who has been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, I certainly notice this myself. It tends to be that when I am struggling with a depressive rut or with executive dysfunction, the situation leans more toward mess, though even when I'm in a good place, my brain has a natural tendency to clutter. I will pick something up, and then it ends up in a pile. The key difference is, when it's a mess, I couldn't tell you exactly what is in those piles, when it's clutter, I tend to group similar things together, I just haven't put them away because I haven't had the energy. So how does that relate to Idia? Well, because Idia exhibits patterns of cluttering, but not necessarily patterns of mess.

Though Idia has a lot of stuff in his room, we can see that he has some categorization in mind with how these piles are arranged. For example, his packages and mail are stacked together, as are the Manga next to his bed. However, these are not put away, they are piled where it's convenient for him to know where they are.

His closet is also an interesting tell. You can see that his jacket is hung up nicely, however he has one drawer open, and the clothing is hanging half-out of the drawer or have fallen onto the floor. I actually don't think these are dirty clothes, I think Idia has left these things open because for his brain, it makes more sense for him to be able to see what he has. While his clothes have landed on the floor and some have come unfolded, I suspect that Idia probably folded them himself, but doesn't have the energy to put them back away when they come undone, however because hanging his jacket that he wears frequently up is an easier task for him, his hung clothes remain in order.

It is worth noting, Idia is one of the few characters to have a visible trash can, and it's empty. It's not a situation where he's just been tossing his trash and it's overflowing - Idia would have had to take this out himself or had Ortho help him take it out. At the same time, it looks like something has fallen beside his desk that he hasn't picked up yet. So while he's not exactly messy, he is cluttered.

Another thing I feel is worth pointing out in this regard is the post-it notes that Idia has attached to the towers of his computer on his desk. It's common for people who struggle with memory or motivation due to executive dysfunction to write reminders and place them in visible places in order to remind themselves of things. It's a practice I also used before moving to more digital reminders with alarms, and many people still use this.

So, all of that to say, I highly suspect that Idia is Neurodiverse, mentally ill, or both. While I certainly don't have the qualifications to say how he's neurodiverse, it seems like the designers wanted to go out of their way to show small touches that he is using these sort of systems to manage his life. This also seems in-line with what we see of his character, and I certainly have more thoughts on that, but since this is focused only on their rooms, I'll save those thoughts for now.

Idia has manga that are hidden under the leg of his bed. I can't even lie, this is such a funny hidden touch that definitely speaks to the fact that Idia is an awkward teenager even though he's 18. I honestly love this touch and I think it's hilarious that they were even allowed to include it. I'm certain a lot of people have been here before, but for the sake of clarity, I'll explain in more depth.

So, of course, the obvious takeaway here is that Idia has dirty manga hidden under his bed - however we can't be certain that's what those are. In fact, it's not so straightforward as you might think - there are a lot of reasons someone might hide something. We also need to take into consideration Idia's living situation in tandem with this. Idia isn't living at home, he's living in a dorm, which means that whatever these are, he's hiding them because he doesn't want his peers or Ortho to know he has them. That in mind, that means that while they might be pornographic or suggestive Manga, there's any other number of things it could be. While I can't speak with any certainty, here are a few:

1) It could be manga that's typically aimed at a more feminine audience - Idia has a lot of manga, and given that there's social pressure for people who are assigned male at birth to be masculine, it's possible he has some cutesy magical girl manga tucked away that he's embarrassed for other people to know that he reads.

2) It could be manga that's not straight. Plenty of people who have questioned their sexuality have bought manga to read that features queer couples. Again, given social pressure, if Idia were reading that sort of Manga, he might feel like he needs to tuck it away because he doesn't want to feel pressured to know exactly how he feels about his sexuality yet.

3) Even if it was pornographic manga, it might be pornographic manga that's not the sort you would expect. It's entirely possible that these could be ones that are exploring, for example, monsterfucking or BDSM that he wouldn't feel comfortable with others knowing of those sort of kinks.

Really, it could be any number of things. Ultimately, it tells us that there are parts of Idia's personality that he hides from other people, and the typical reason that people would hide those things is either a) they are afraid of how people would react if they found out, b) they are ashamed of those parts of themselves, or c) they don't feel confident in those parts of themselves.

Idia has a phone stand on a boom arm attached to his bed. He is, quite literally, chronically online. This points toward him reinforcing his own bad habits and probably spending a lot of time at his desk or in his bed.

Of course I have to point out that there is Pain and Panic on the shelves. Though this has been pointed out before, I don't actually see a lot of people mention is that this is thematically pretty apt for Idia and Ortho - Idia, as a person, is canonically panicky, and Ortho... well... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The rest of this post will contain spoilers for book 6, for those who are still struggling with that segment of the game and don't want to read spoilers.

It's also worth pointing out, that while Ortho did not initially have a room, he seems to have a charging bay in Idia's room. Ortho's room was not released until the second year of the game's release, implying that Ortho didn't have a room of his own until Crowley accepted him as a student of Night Raven College. This makes sense, as he was hesitant to even give Yuu and Grim a room when they first begin the school year.

So, what that means for Idia is that for a large portion of Idia's tenure at Night Raven College, he didn't have privacy. Idia's room would always have another resident, and he's notably the only Dorm Leader who had a roommate because of this.

Idia's hidden Mickey is on a book in a box near the front of his room.

Ortho Shroud

Ortho's room is surprisingly hard to find screencaps for, so I put in a couple of them so you can see the full scope of his room. Again, I assume this is because this room dropped after the initial releases of the room backgrounds, so please bear with me.

First to note, Ortho certainly shows some similarities to his brother. He has a rug that features the Cerberus from the Legend of the Underworld, as well as the Stone Titan and Ice Titan from Star Rogue in universe, so whereas Idia didn't actually have much front-facing merch aside from Pain and Panic, Ortho wears his nerd card with pride.

Ortho has a couple of gaming systems on the bookshelf in his room, and its of note that he has a single controller pulled out. Most of the time when we see Ortho mention games, they're games that he and Idia played together, however the fact that there's only one controller out would imply that Ortho is exploring his own interests independent of Idia after the events of book 6.

Ortho has a variety of kits and parts set aside in his room. While these could certainly be a lot of things, it would seem likely to me that Ortho has taken a bit more of a direct hand in his own repairs, again establishing his independence from Idia.

Also of note, Ortho has two small figures on top of his bookshelf, one in blue and one in red. While there's not a concrete by any means, I imagine this is a callback to Ortho and Idia. It's also worth noting that common colors for multiplayer games from local co-op will often make the colors for Player 1 and Player 2 red and blue. We know generally speaking that Idia's motif is blue, so it makes me wonder if Ortho's favorite color may be red. That's mostly just conjecture though, as there's not enough of the color red to be certain.

While I wasn't able to spot the hidden Mickey in Ortho's room, I suspect it may be this figure here, though if it is, it's not nearly as clearly defined as any of the other rooms.

[overgrown3d]

Messages from your person 🫂 (PAC)

💭What do they have in their mind? What words have they left unsaid? What is something they want to tell you the most, be it about love, gratitude, and friendship? !REMINDER! This is a general reading, take what resonates.

✨How to select your pile?✨

1. Slow your breathing, taking deep inhales. Focus on feeling present in your environment.

2. Looking from left to right, use your intuition to pick the pile meant for you (what you connect most with.)

3. Doesn't resonate? No worries! Pick another, it's message may be just right for you.

!!For Entertainment Purposes Only!!

Pile 1 -> Pile 2

Pile 3 -> Pile 4

🔹Pile 1 ;

Cards: The Hermit (rev), The Sun, King of swords (rev), 9 of swords, 10 of wands, 8 of swords

"Dear Pile 1,

There are so many things in my head that I want to say, but I struggle to say them. I feel so burdened with responsibilities and tasks, I am not the lover I want to be, I am not the person that I so badly need to be. I'm in a dark place right now, and it feels like I'm doing the wrong things to get through it. What I need the most is to step up for myself, to find peace and confidence. There are nights where I am kept awake, and days where I am kept moving. I'm sorry, I feel like I disappointed you, and I disappointed myself. Truth is, what I need is help. Carrying my burdens alone, I don't think I can make it out of here."

🌊~~~~

Alright, that was really depressing 🥲. Pile 1, this person feels trapped right now. Daily responsibilities can be taking a toll on them right now, I also heard that they aren't meeting expectations? They have pretty bad self esteem, undermining themselves despite all the work they do. I'm getting that this person is pretty impressive in how much they can handle. But right now, they are at their limits, they can't take anymore. A lot of their feelings of being "trapped" are their own insecurities, they have a lot of things in their mind that they can't control. Honestly, it's like they know they need to focus on themselves more, but their daily schedule and habitual thoughts don't allow for that change to come smoothly. I'm getting that they just need help to go through these things, they don't want to be alone. They do have a lot of things to say, but it's like they're not in a space where they can voice their thoughts out. Maybe it's also their role that they are considering.

If you chose this pile with your FS in mind, this is most likely where they are right now in life, or could be the same energy when the two of you meet.

🔹Pile 2;

Cards: Page of Wands, The Devil, Strength, The Hanged Man, 10 of swords, 6 of Cups, 10 of Cups

"Dear Pile 2,

You really changed me, you let me see the light in my future way beyond what I could've ever imagined. I never thought I could have my own happily-ever-after, but I learned that it wasn't too impossible in the first place. I'm so grateful for the new experiences you brought me, and experiences we went through together. I was able to learn a lot from you, like being introduced to spiritual concepts, and having more faith in the divine. I'm making the steps to change my life for the better, with newfound strength. I appreciate you for these new insights."

🌊~~~~

Pile 2, your person mentions you a lot in this reading. There is a lot of emphasis on their gratitude towards you, and whatever you've done, it really helped them open up to a new experience or thought patterns. Like, they have a lot of confidence in creating a future for themselves, and are enthusiastic to be walking down that path. Perhaps you gave them advice, or commented on how they can process their trauma and emotions, maybe even introduced them to Tarot, Astrology, Meditations, etc. They now adopt this in their lifestyle, and it's greatly serving them to the point where they give you a bunch of credit for it haha. Habits are standing out to me here, they could've been the type of person to really struggle with temptations & being lazy, but now they're psyched to start acting. I'm heavily feeling like you helped them break old patterns and gave them hope. You kinda changed the trajectory of their life. They think it's thanks to you, and want you to know it!

🔹Pile 3 ;

Cards: The hanged man, 6 of swords, the tower, the hermit, king of words, queen of wands, the star, 4 of swords, 4 of pentacles

"Dear Pile 3,

Life has been pretty good lately. I feel in control of things like my thoughts and emotions. They don't go haywire anymore, haha. I'm not leading the life I used to. I'm doing better each day with all this healing and stuff. I'm focusing a lot on resting, trying to build up my assets, and mature a whole lot more. Life has been steady, and I'm slowly rebuilding it. I'm lucky to have another chance at life, and I'll be sure not to waste it."

🌊~~~~

Your pile is different from 1 & 2! This message is addressed to you in the form of a check-in letter. I'm getting the vibe that this is a relationship where you aren't closely in contact right now, or interactions could happen occasionally. This honestly feels like they are telling you not to worry about them, since their life is going pretty well right now. This person could've been in a bad place before, which justifies you having worries about their life, but low-key they're kinda thriving lmao! They seem to be in a steady and good place, probably a drastic comparison to their past or how you first met them. Their life is in the process of balancing right now (though it can be that they are financially struggling), but this is more of their headspace being balanced. They're pretty zen, which might come up as a legitimate shock lol. You most likely were included in their old life somehow, enough for them to want to update you on their life.

🔹Pile 4 ;

Cards: 6 of wands, 2 of Cups, queen of cups, 4 of cups, 5 of cups, 5 of wands, page of cups

"Dear Pile 4,

I've been at a loss, and I know it's in my best interest to put things behind me. I still grieve, grieving over many things. Among the many, is the past. Nonetheless, I move on -- I'm still learning and growing. I know I'm not lacking in support, I have you among other things. There are days where I'm not sure how to pinpoint my emotions, inside of me are inner conflicts at times. It's a battle I'm going through, but do believe that after trial and error, it's one that I'll win."

🌊~~~~

Pile 4, this person cares so much about you. Honestly, it's tempting to say that this is romantic, but it honestly applies to platonic relationships given the context. They have a lot of care for you, so much so that they want to be emotionally open about these things. To them, you're their rock, their shoulder to cry on. You're the Queen of Cups while they're the Page. Honestly, you help this person process their emotions, because I'm seeing that they greatly benefit through having you around in tough times. From the 2 of Cups, this is definitely a union, energy is heavily pointing to this being a close connection. This person may be overcoming a loss, hence the help you provide. Arghhh it's like they want to improve themselves not just for their sake, but also yours. They want to move together as a team, but they feel that they need to develop themselves emotionally still. They do want to let you know of their appreciation, but it's like this is something they want to do alone, this will be their own victory.

🌊~~~ You reached the end of the reading, 'till next time!

[scrubbinn]

Mimic HRT: month 21 “Mended patience”

“Mx, are you alright? Is there something I could get you, water, earmuffs? You can ask if there's anything you need.”

“Huh? Oh, no water please. And I'm fine. It's just…”

“It's scary, right? Dealing with doctors I mean. I'd imagine being here is scary enough. Don't worry, everything will be ok. Now let's see… You're Jasmine, right? Jasmine Elwood? You use Gard/Graden neo pronouns, yes?

“Y-yes, that’s right.”

“It's a lovely name. You're a bit early, but I'll page Erian to check if he can see you now. You can take a seat if you like, and be sure to ask if you need assistance with anything.” 

“um, are you a therian? I'm in the right clinic, yeah? it's just, I thought there would be others working here.”

“I'm an otherkin. A mimic. Almost two years in at this point. I just like using my human form when I work. It's tough to maintain but it's harder to work a computer otherwise. I'm currently an assistant to Dr. Erian, and also the receptionist for the next few months after the last one suddenly quit. I swear the more I work here the more I wonder how this place managed to stay afloat for so long. Sorry, I don't mean to make this place sound bad or cheap. It's helped me quite a lot with becoming who I was meant to be. I'm sure you'll find exactly what you're looking for here.”

“...Thanks.”

“Oh, looks like the doctor will see you now. But one last thing before you go in. You can choose if you would like to meet Dr. Erian alone, or if you wish for an assistant such as myself to sit in with you to make sure everything is more comfortable-

“Yes. that. Please. Uh, if that's ok.”

“Sure thing! Please follow me.”

* * * 

“Hello. I'm Dr. Erian, and you would be Ms. Elwood, correct? Is that your actual family name? You'll need to use your real name or else there could be legal trouble. Eitherway, I’ve taken the time to read through most of the files that were transferred from your old provider. It seems you just entered your first year on a normal HRT which is good, we wouldn’t be able to give you this treatment otherwise. Now then, let’s take a look at the documentation you filled out for me. You should be grateful that we’ve now moved to an informed consent model due to certain clientele. Ahem, anyways, it says here you’re looking to become a golem? Odd, with your name I assumed you-

“Doctor. Please focus on the client, and don’t make assumptions.”

“Right. Well, switching from a carbon based lifeform to silicon is tricky and involves crossing not just a species threshold but also a biological one. Not to mention there could be a lot of damage to your body if anything goes wrong. Perhaps you could explain why you think you're a golem?”

  “I, um, I- I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous right now. I have trouble speaking sometimes.”

“Speak up Ms, I couldn't make out what you were- ow. Mayday! May I remind you that-

“Sorry about that Jasmine. You can ignore him for now. Focus on me and let’s take some deep breaths together. In and out ok? In and out, there you go! Do you think you could tell me what being a golem is like?”

“Um, it’s just, it’s just who and what I am. I can’t really describe it. It’s the only thing I can see myself as. There's some days where I just lie outside completely still and let nature move around me. It's peaceful.”

“Ok! Did you get that doc?”

“Sigh, alright fine. At least it sounds like you've been living as your preferred species for a while now. I suppose we can move on to other topics. It will take some time to formulate the proper medication for something like this, but through modern magic and medicine, it can be done. Now, we'll need to go over some paperwork, mostly an acknowledgement of potential risk. You could no longer be considered human depending on legal changes. I'll give you time to look it over.”

“Um, do… Do you know what I might look like if I took this medication? I know what I am but I'm a bit scared something is going to happen.”

“I could show you if you want, I have an idea of what you might want based on what you've told me…

…Well, what do you think? Oh! Please don't touch, I'm not actually made of rocks and you might poke a tooth.”

“Sorry it's just. You look like me. The real me.”

“Well doc? Think we can make something like this?”

“I suppose so, it won't have the specific details, but the general shape is possible. Let's continue the discussion on your treatment first, and if you agree, then we can have a prescription ready in a month.”

* * *

“You performed Adequately Ms. Mulberry. Perhaps you'll actually make a decent assistant, and it seems Ms. Elwood will have a bright future thanks to this clinic. There aren't any other client meetings today, so I'll have you handling prescriptions to send out to pharmacies. Before that though, how has the progress gone on documenting your species?”

“If you mean my mimicry in general, it's going well. I'll have my findings on your desk next month. If you mean learning about the other voice I've been hearing. No luck there. It doesn't show up unless I'm feeling some kind of extreme emotion. Looking back it feels like it wasn't just one voice, but several. It's hard to figure out, some of the others in the THEMS group have some ideas as to what it could be.

“Being influenced by the thoughts of a third party with no medical experience isn't going to solve anything. Please look into it further on your own. I can't move forward with patenting this medication without knowing if this is a potential side effect, or if it's just something in your head..”

“That certainly didn't stop you with me. Look, I'm still going to work with the support group if they can help. Plus when I start my therapy sessions it's going to be something that'll have to come up at some point. Someone else is going to be involved in this. What you should be focusing on right now is Jasmine's treatment.”

“Yes I really should start working on her tre-

“You mean garden treatment. And stop saying Ms. It's Mx. Gard listed garden gender as a non-binary option.”

“Yes, whatever. I have a lot of things to keep track of. Can't keep up with every little detail about a patient. That's your job now, and don't go forgetting who's in charge here! Your little blackmail attempt amounted to nothing. So don't go cutting me off again! Not now, and especially not during client meetings! I have the power to fire you if I see a single slip up. Remember which of us is the doctor and which of us is the assistant. Now then, I expect a report of your mimic status by next week and you should hurry along to fulfill your duties to our clients.”

“What do you mean it amounted to nothing?”

“Excuse me? What are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I'm here right now aren't I? I don't mean that you gave me this job, I mean you gave me legal access to all those files I wanted. It's kind of crazy you didn't realize. I guess I hit the nail on the head when I assumed you'd see me as an opportunity to show other therians that you're on our side. But now, I have complete access to everything and I can legally be a whistleblower to the public here. If you ever hurt me again, I'll send out everything. And I won't even be affected. After all, I'm just an innocent assistant concerned for the safety of the general public. I'm sure with your reputation completely sunk, it wouldn't be hard to replace you. There's a number of other doctors that would kill to have your position. You wouldn't survive.”

“You're implying I still have a reputation to lose. I felt pity for you when you fought for the last spark of hope in your life, to see you squandering it on threats like this… Are you truly so vain that you feel the need to pretend your bluff had weight.”

“Erian, I'm saying this for your own benefit. If people knew what kinds of things you did in this clinic. I don't mean you'd lose your medical license or be run out of town. I'm pretty sure they'd come after your life. This isn't a threat, this is a warning. We're equals here now, whether you like it or not. I could be much worse, but I've decided to play nice.”

“...I see. Sigh, I'll die of stress from you at this point. Why even work here if you hate it and myself so much?”

“Mayday, the actual Mayday, wanted to work here before she forgot everything. She wanted to learn how to help people. I feel like I owe her that much. I don’t care if I have to step over you or any other bigot to reach that goal.”

“Of course you’d say something hokey like that. Always painting your actions as the only noble ones around you. You really are a monster the media made you out to be.”

“You're the one who made me like this. I had to relearn everything about playing human. Besides, you should have known something like this would happen eventually. If not me then someone would have found enough dirt on you. You're kind of sloppy when you hide evidence… Huh, I thought this kind of conversation would make me more angry, but this has been oddly calming. I suppose it's me no longer recognizing you as a threat. Congrats, now we know others mimics won't inherently hate you. At least not always. Now I just see you as potential food.”

“Food? Tell me then Ms. Mulberry, Did a part of you enjoy the taste of flesh?”

“Don't push it. How about you get back to work, I have patients to care for.”

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Mention list: @a-shramp, @calliecwrites, @be702, @respectfulevil, @hyacinthdoll1315

@aster-is-confused, @bloodandbrandywyne, @glitchgloop, @nyxthewary, @lunadook

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi, Raven! I just wanted to ask if it's very pressuring to be seen as like this type of fandom authority/big figure in the twst fandom? Which you're not, and I'm aware of it but I can't help but think and notice that a lot of people generally view you and your blog in that manner. I hope that hasn't soured your enjoyment in the fandom btw if it is the case, it can be daunting to be kind of upheld to a standard and responsibility you didn't ask for. But I hope you're still having fun and enjoying yourself because that's what fandom really is about at its core. Hope you have a good day!! 💖

Well 💦 it’s stressful, yes. but only when I’m made cognizant of that. Typically I don’t think of myself as being in that position, but I’m reminded of it when I receive the occasional ask that opens or closes their question/comment with really intense praise.

Thankfully, I have the luxury of being selective about which asks I reply to, but sometimes it can be as simple as skimming an ask that brings about a churning dread or cognitive dissonance in my stomach. I take a lot of time to formulate what I hope are thoughtful responses in part because I feel like I have some degree of responsibility for those who seem to place so much stock in what I say… It makes me anxious about all the potential ways it could go wrong. Unclear wording/tone misconstruing the intended message, people weaponizing my posts to justify their own takes, arguments breaking out, etc. Then that leads into worries about not deserving this position (ayy, love imposter syndrome/j) and it becomes a cycle that’s hard to break.

If people want to view me as some higher authority or big figure, then there’s only so much I can do to stop them. I can tell others all I want that I don’t like being put on such a high pedestal all I like, but it would do very little to change their mindsets. The best I can hope for is reminding them of where my boundaries lie when people start to act too attached to me. Like, you definitely should not be soliciting free favors, seeking validation, asking for life advice, and/or traumadumping to me, a complete internet stranger. (These have all happened before.) Remember, me being friendly ≠ being friends with me.

I’ve never been someone who reacts well to parasocialism or celebrity culture (something which I highlight in this post). I like to compartmentalize, separate reality from fandom, keep to myself and my own lane, be a private person… so it’s unnerving for me to suddenly be the recipient of parasocial behaviors. Again, I must stress that parasocialism is, in of itself, NOT a bad thing. It can, however, quickly snowball into emotional dependency or a falsified sense of intimacy. That’s why I keep stressing—especially recently—that I have to draw the line and make my boundaries clear.

Now, that isn’t to say that all of my parasocial experiences have been negative ones. Far from it! I’ve had the honor of meeting and getting to know many cool individuals through my activity in this fandom. (If you’re reading this, you know who you are 🫵) I’ve been able to participate in numerous group projects and activities alongside those people. I’ve gotten fan art and interesting asks from so many Twsties that are just as excited about my OC or new story content as I am. I’ve received kind words when I really needed them or when I least expected it. I will forever be grateful for that ^^ and I’d still say that the majority of my time in the TWST fandom has been chill and fun.

In my experience, I’ve seen both the highs and lows of fandom as the result of parasocialism. I of course evaluate them on a case-by-case basis, but what I want to point out is that I do not want overfamiliarity or people overstepping, especially if I have never spoken with you one-on-one off-Anon before 💦 I think that’s reasonable for me to request.

[dontaskmemybias]

The Fan Meeting

Pairing: Idol!Han Jisung x afab reader Request: No Theme: Strangers to Lovers Contains: Panic Attacks, Cursing, Unprotected Sex (don't do this), Loads of Fluff, Angst If You Squint. Word Count: 4,933 Note: MINORS DNI!!!! This is a work of fiction and does not portray any of the members irl. I was thinking to myself, what if my worst nightmare and one of my fantasies collided? Then this came out haha! I know some of the details aren't accurate, this is fiction so don't come for me! 😂

_

You had been wanting to see Stray Kids live for forever. You were a huge STAY, you even (embarrassingly) wrote fan fiction about them on Tumblr. For your birthday your lovely best friends since childhood decided to get you tickets to see them live AND do a fan meeting. One of them said she would come with you (you had gotten her into the group and she is now a proud STAY as well) and it was all the two of you could talk about for weeks.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE ARE SEEING THEM TOMORROW I'M GONNA PASS OUT AND/OR CRY I SWEAR TO GOD!" Your bestie had heard you talk about how your were probably going to have a heart attack or spontaneously combust for weeks so, being used to this dialogue, she just laughed and shook her head at your antics.

"If you pass out I'll just throw some water on you so you don't miss too much." She deadpanned. This caused you to crack up hysterically until she joined in and soon the two of you were clutching your ribs from how hard you had been laughing.

"Just 24 more hours and we will be front row watching my favorite boys." You sighed wistfully and your friend just chuckled.

"Yeah, 24 hours!"

~✨~

Your heart was racing as you lined up outside the venue. You had missed the last world tour because you had just gotten into the group and couldn't afford tickets, but that didn't bother you much seeing as this album was astronomy themed. You had worked at an observatory for years but you had just left the job and honestly needed a break from job hunting and what better way to decompress than seeing your favorite boys live.

You were fascinated with the sky so the first time you heard "Hall of Fame" and recognized Neil Armstrong's words you almost passed out. This was the perfect time to see your favorite boys live and you were seriously worried that you might ACTUALLY pass out at some point.

You and your bestie had dressed up for the occasion, wanting to look good for the fan meeting (Jesus the fan meeting you hadn't really thought about it too much, too worried you were going to embarrass yourself)

Once you got into the venue you were starstruck. There was merchandise and STAY's running around, excitement filled the air. You were in awe of it all and if it weren't for your bestie you would've stood there frozen taking it all in for way too long. Luckily she pulled your hand and dragged you over to the line for merchandise.

After spending WAY too much money on memorabilia you decided to head to your seats. You were absolutly buzzing with excitement as you continued forward until you reached your spots. So close to the stage you could practically see the flecks of paint on the stage floor.

"How are we feeling? Excited? Nervous? Pass-outy?" You laughed at your friends made up word.

"Pass-outy? That's ridiculous. But seriously I am just so fucking excited I cannot contain it!" You giggle-screeched and started hopping around a bit. Your friend joined you in your mini-freakout and you both started screaming when the show began to start.

~✨~

The show was AMAZING! Hands-down one of the best experiences of your life. The vocals, the rapping, the DANCING?!!?! You felt like you had died and gone to heaven. You were so star struck and in shock that you were able to be here at all that after the last song was over and they did their (adorable) goodbye speeches you felt glued to the floor, staring with your mouth open until your bestie pulled you out of it. Reminding you of the fan meeting.

The fan meeting.

Where you would get to MEET. THEM.

Excitement and nerves bubbled up within you as your bestie dragged you to the next location to wait in line to meet the boys.

~✨~

You had to wait for forever in line, you had gotten there late because your bestie had to use the bathroom so you were now literally the last people in line. Your nerves were at an all time high. What were you going to say? Your anxiety started to flare up but your bestie calmed you down before you could have a full blown panic attack.

Finally you were next. You'd see Chan first, then Changbin, Lee Know, Han, Felix, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and finally I.N. You could do this, no need to be worried.

You moved a few steps, bestie in tow, and came in front of Bang Chan himself. You smiled and waved a little. He giggled a bit and waved back.

"Hi I'm Bang Chan! And you are?"

"H-hello, I'm Y/N."

"Oh don't mind her, she's nervous! Y/N here is a huge fan! She even writes fanfiction about you guys! She's Y/URL on Tumblr!"

You froze. She did not just tell them your dark secret like that. You two always teased each other but she had no idea how badly this freaked you out. Your eyes were wide, you didn't notice but all the guys were looking at you now with varying expressions from confusion to amusement.

You started breathing a little heavier. Your hand started shaking.

Fuck.

You were about to have a panic attack in front of all eight members of Stray Kids.

You tried calming yourself down but tears began to well up in your eyes. Your breathing got shallower and before you knew it someone was ushering you away from the crowd and into a separate room.

Someone was holding your hand, talking to you calmly. There were other people in the room as well, you couldn't really tell who, your brain was only at half capacity as you fought the urge to sink deeper into your panic. The logical part of your brain realized it was probably your bestie in front of you and security with her to make sure you were okay, but her hands felt a little bigger than normal. You didn't register that fact, you just laid down until your head was in her lap and you began to work through your exercises to bring you out of your panic.

Find five things you can see.

You focused on your skirt, the cute one you decided to wear tonight. The floor, white tile with black designs on it. The security guard, closer to you than anyone else other than your best friend. The plant on the floor next to you, in a cute ceramic pot. Finally the fan on the ceiling, not on but sitting stagnant.

You didn't notice but you were listing things out loud, your brain in too much of a haze to comprehend what was going on.

Four things you can hear.

Your heartbeat, a bit higher than normal but slowing down as you listed things. Your breathing, shallow but more steady than it was before. Your best friend, apologizing and explaining the situation to the security guard, she sounded farther away than you expected. Another voice, saying calming and reassuring things in a gentle low voice.

Three things you can feel.

Your hand on the cool tile floor, lowering your rising body temperature. Your skirt, you take it in your fingers to feel the fabric. A gentle hand running through your hair to calm you down.

Two things you can smell.

The perfume you put on today for the show, peaches, your favorite. Cologne, an unfamiliar scent, definitely not what your bestie had been wearing tonight.

One thing you can taste.

The remnants of the snack you and your bestie shared during the show.

After running through the exercise your brain slowly turned back on and the first thing it registered was that this was NOT your bestie who you were laying on.

You sat up quickly and looked at who had been comforting you for god knows how long and your breath hitched.

Han Jisung.

You were trying to think of what to say but he beat you to it.

"How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Water maybe?" You shyly nodded your head and you saw one of the security guards leave and bring you back a bottle of water. You took a quick sip and looked back to Han.

"I-I am so sorry, I thought you were my friend, I-I didn't realize-" He cut you off

"No worries. I saw you get pale and start shaking back there and I knew what was going on. I get panic attacks too so I figured I might be able to help!" He flashed you a quick smile and ran a hand over the nape of his neck.

You stared at him for much longer than you would've liked, trying to figure out what the actual fuck you were supposed to say in this scenario. The only thing your stupid lizard brain could come up with was "Thank you for letting me use you as a pillow."

What. The. Fuck.

Jesus Christ you are worse than the oblivious girls you wrote about in your little delulu land on Tumblr.

Han just giggled a bit and flashed you his biggest smile.

"I didn't mind, anything to help out a fan!"

Right. A fan, who embarrassingly had a full blown panic attack in front of her favorite band.

Thankfully your bestie came over at that moment to break the awkward silence that had settled over you and Han. Dramatically sobbing she landed on the floor next to you and took your hand in hers.

"Jesus Y/N I am so fucking sorry, I don't know why I said that I didn't mean to freak you out so much-" You cut her off before she had a full mental breakdown too.

"Hey, hey it's okay! I'm okay now, no worries." You smiled at her softly and she took a deep breath.

You all got up off the floor and thanked everyone for helping you out. You figured you must have been out of it for a bit seeing as the room next door was pretty quiet now. Not wanting to waste anyones time you started to head for the door.

"Wait! Y/N, I feel bad you didn't get to say hi to the other guys, would you like me to at least sign something for you?" This boy was a literal angel. Here you were, making his day even longer than he had probably planned on it being and now HE wants to do something nice for YOU?

"You really don't have to do that, I feel bad for making you stick around so long." You sheepishly looked down at the floor. Han walked closer to you until his feet were in your line of vision. You slowly looked up and saw him less than a foot away from you and he smiled again.

"It's no problem at all! I really want to. Please?" Shit you weren't gonna turn down such a golden opportunity. You handed him one of the photocards you got with his picture on it and he kept his hand out, waiting for more things to sign. You giggled and pulled out the three others you got.

All Han. He was after all, your bias.

He chuckled and walked over to a nearby table to sign the fan cards. When he came back he smiled and handed them to you.

"It was lovely to meet you Y/N, I hope to see you again soon."

Then he winked.

He fucking winked at you.

What fanfic bullshittary was this?

~✨~

After security made sure you were okay you and your bestie left and headed back to the hotel you were staying in for the night. You let her have it over telling the band about your fanfic account and she kept apologizing until you finally decided that it was ultimately okay, especially since you got some signatures out of it.

You did not tell her that Han had winked at you. That was just for you.

Finally you got to the hotel room and she started squealing.

"Show me the cards! I want to see his signature!!"

You giggled and pulled them out. The first one was simply signed 'Han'.

The second one said 'Y/N's biggest fan'

You looked at your bestie, thoroughly confused.

"What the hell does that mean?"

Her jaw dropped and she pointed to the third card. It was signed not with his name, but a Tumblr URL.

Your jaw dropped.

No. Fucking. Way.

It was a URL you had seen on so many occasions. Commenting, liking, and reblogging every single one of your fics. Your biggest fan on Tumblr was FUCKING HAN JISUNG?!

You looked at the fourth photocard, it was signed 'Jisung' but on the back there was a note.

'Meet me at the Marriott on Fourth street tonight, room 461 ;)'

Your heart stopped.

You must be dreaming.

There is no way this is real.

Your bestie screams.

"Y/N YOU HAVE TO FUCKING GO OH MY GOD PLEASE GO AND TELL ME WHATEVER YOU CAN TOMORROW!!!!"

Before you can register what is happening she grabs your phone and orders you an uber before pushing you out the door and telling you to 'be safe!'

~✨~

Twenty minutes later you find yourself in front of room 461 at the Marriott on Fourth street. Your nerves are at an all time high as you hesitantly knock on the door half-expecting a serial killer to be on the other side because that would be more plausible than seeing Han Jisung open the door and smile at you before ushering you inside.

Once you get inside you have absolutly no fucking clue what to do other than fiddle with the hem of your skirt and stare at the floor. Han just chuckles and walks over to the bed before plopping down on the mattress.

"I am so glad you came, I have been dying to meet my favorite writer in person for ages now!" Your head snaps in his direction and he has a cocky grin plastered on his face.

"You seriously read my fanfics about you guys?" You are in shock, still half-believing this is all a dream.

"Hell yeah I do! The other guys sometimes read them too, we like to read all the stuff our fans write but you are by far my favorite, especially now that I know for sure I am your bias." Your face pales and you stare at him wide-eyed while he stands up and walks over to you.

"Hey it's okay, I won't bite, unless you want me to of course." And he winks at you again.

You could fucking die on the spot.

Han grabs your hand and leads you over to the bed to sit down. He keeps your hand in his lap and you see a faint blush take his cheeks. He starts to look almost as nervous as you are and you don't think you have ever seen him look so fucking attractive before.

"But seriously Y/N, you're an incredible writer and I am so happy you actually came. Your stories are so great and I honestly just wanted to talk with you about them. Like, where do you get the ideas for the stuff you write?"

It takes you a second to gather your thoughts and answer his question. All that you can about think at the moment is how Han fucking Jisung reads your stories and is currently holding your hand blushing like a god damn schoolboy.

"Well, a lot of what I write are recommendations sent in by other people, but the stuff I come up with honestly just comes to me randomly. Like, I read a lot of fanfiction and I take my favorite tropes and just think about who would fit best and then the story just flows as I go. Honestly half the time I don't even have an end goal in mind, I just write until it feels finished." Now its your turn to blush and look down at your intertwined hands.

Han starts rubbing soothing circles on the back of your hand with his thumb as he lets out a small hum.

"That's incredible, you must have an amazing imagination to come up with so many stories."

"Yeah, my mom used to call me a space cadet growing up because I always had my head in the clouds." You chuckled and Han did too.

"That's so cute! Space cadet, I'm definitely going to be using that from now on."

After the initial shock wore off from being in Han's room, the two of you continued talking. First just about your writing, but eventually about movies you both like, T.V. shows, anime, books, and everything else. It was insane how fast you got comfortable with him. Eventually you found yourself laying on the bed next to him, hands still intertwined as you told him about space and you guys talked about the vastness of the cosmos together. Once you had covered almost every topic you could he leaned over to look at you.

"Would you want to stay and maybe watch a movie or something? I really like your company. It can get kinda lonely in these hotel rooms."

"Yeah of course, I like hanging out with you too Han." You smiled at him.

"You can call me Jisung, it's what most of my friends call me." Your heart skipped a beat. Han Jisung just implied you were friends now?

Before you could fully react Jisung got up and grabbed the T.V. remote before settling back on the bed, sitting against the headboard. He patted the spot next to him and you climbed up to sit next to him while he scrolled through the channels to find something for the two of you to watch.

He eventually saw Howl's Moving Castle and looked over to you. You nodded and giggled as he pushed play.

The two of you watched the movie in peaceful quiet, commenting on the story here and there. About a third of the way through Jisung's hand found yours again and he pulled it into his lap, pulling you a little closer to him in the process. After a few minutes he switched the hand that was holding yours so he could wrap his arm around you, you settled into his side and rested your head on his shoulder, smiling as you heard him let out a content sigh.

The two of you stayed cuddled up like that for the rest of the movie. You started to get a little tired by the end but when would you ever be in this position again? So you pushed through the drowsiness overcoming your body and finished out the movie mostly awake.

Once the movie was over you shifted a bit to look at Jisung. "I should probably head out, its really late." Jisung looked a little sad for a moment.

"What if you stayed here tonight? I could get you a car to take you home tomorrow? We are in town for another show tomorrow, maybe we could even do this again?" He looked hopeful. You smiled and nuzzled into his side.

"Yeah okay, I doubt I could get a ride at this hour anyway."

Jisung absolutly beamed at your response and sat up stretching his back.

"Yay sleepover!" He started laughing. "If you'd like, I have some clothes you could change into to be a bit more comfortable?"

"Yeah that would be great!"

"There's some facewash in the bathroom too you can use!"

With that Jisung got up and grabbed you one of his big tee shirts and a pair of boxers to change into. You got changed in the bathroom and washed your face. Your mind was racing with so many thoughts but the moment you came back into the room and saw Jisung snuggled under the blankets all you could think of was how lucky you were to get this experience.

You climbed into bed next to Jisung and he turned to look at you. "Y/N?"

You turned to him and smiled. "Yes Jisung?"

"Can we- I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but can we cuddle?" You giggled at his bashfulness.

"Yeah Jisung, we can cuddle." He let out a cute squeal of happiness and scooted towards you so he could wrap his arms around you. You snuggled your face into his chest and he let out a sigh of happiness.

"Goodnight Y/N."

"Goodnight Jisung."

~✨~

The next morning went so quickly. You and Jisung had to wake up way too early for your liking. Jisung got you a car like he promised and made sure you were coming back later that night. You swore you would and he gave you a big hug before ushering you into the car so he could go do a million things before their concert.

When you got back to the hotel room your bestie was still sleeping so you just got into the other bed and crashed. Still exhausted from staying up all night with Jisung.

In your dreams you were a princess in medieval times. You were lonely until one day your knight in shining armor showed up (Jisung of course) and he swept you off your feet. You had a forbidden romance because you were engaged to some prince you had never met from a faraway land. But in the end Jisung was actually the prince! He had come early to meet you under false pretenses to judge your character and he found you to be the perfect wife and you lived happily ever after. Until an earthquake hit. The ground shaking, loud noises all around you. More shaking.

And you woke up. To your bestie shaking you awake. Out of your lovely dream and into reality.

A reality where you quickly remembered, you had stayed with Jisung last night.

Holy fuck that actually happened?

"BITCH TELL ME EVERYTHING, WHEN DID YOU GET BACK?!"

After a long ass conversation where you told your bestie all the details you decided (well really she told you you had to) go hang out with Jisung again that night.

You decided to stay in the hotel all day with your bestie watching shitty rom-coms and laughing about all the cringey tropes movies use to catch your attention. You were just about crawling out of your skin trying to process the last 48 hours and decided to have a chill day to prepare for the long night ahead of you.

~✨~

It was about 11:30PM by the time you got an uber over to Jisung's hotel and you still were convinced that this was all a dream, but as you walked up to his door you were sure that this was in fact reality and you were going to the Han Jisung's room at almost midnight in just a hoodie and leggings. You seriously considered going back to your hotel to change but you suddenly heard a loud thud on the other side of the door and you reached up to knock on the door to make sure everything was alright.

When Jisung opened the door he had that huge smile on his face again and he pulled you in for a hug immediately, letting the door shut behind you.

"Oh my god I'm so glad you came I was worried you wouldn't show!" you started giggling and hugged him back.

"Of course I came silly, I would be an idiot not to! Plus I'm excited to see what movie you have for us tonight!" He giggled back and pulled away from the hug to walk over to the bed.

"I am feeling a bit daring tonight, how about we watch a scary movie?" You walked over and sat on the bed next to him.

"Okay but if I jump you have to promise not to make fun of me!" He giggled at that and grabbed the TV remote.

"Of course not! I'll just laugh in my head." You playfully slapped his arm and he dramatically fell onto the bed like he had just been shot which caused you to double over and laugh loudly.

He finally got up and turned on the TV searching through the horror movies.

"See anything you like?" Looking straight at him you replied a simple "Yeah." He looked up and saw you staring at him and giggled a little bit before picking a movie and turning it on.

You both leaned back and Jisung moved his arm behind you to hold onto you. You smiled and leaned into him as the movie played.

After about 30 minutes you realized that Jisung was just as afraid of horror movies as you were. You would both jump at the same time, yelp, and hold onto each other tighter as the scenes played out.

By the time the movie ended the two of you were completely tangled on the bed. You were almost half in his lap from the amount of times you burrowed into him during the scary scenes.

"Y/N? You okay?" Jisung looked down at where you had burrowed into his chest.

"Yeah, I just won't be able to sleep ever again so there's that." You both started laughing and his grip on you grew a little tighter.

"Well, no worries, you can stay here with me, I can protect you." He said with a sheepish smile on his face.

"But what about tomorrow? You're leaving so I'll have to sleep alone again." You said somberly. You looked up at him and he had a sad smile on his face.

Jisung lifted his hand and pushed the hair out of your face, then he let his hand linger on your cheek. He looked like he was contemplating something until you looked down at his lips. Then he slowly leaned in and kissed you.

You let yourself fall into the kiss, your arms wrapping tighter around him. He pulled you closer into him until you both pulled away for air. He leaned his forehead on yours.

"Would it be crazy if I asked you to come with us?" He whispered. His breath tickling your face.

"Would it be crazy if I said I would?" You breathed out. You heard his breath hitch and before you could process what was happening he had flipped you so you were laying on the bed with him hovering above you, his forehead pressed against yours again.

"Don't play with me love, I'm serious. Come with us. You can stay with me every night and I'll pay for your plane tickets and everything."

Holy fuck he was serious. You thought about it for a moment. You didn't have a job, you were month-to-month on your apartment so you could leave pretty much whenever. It's not like you had anything tying you down.

But then...

"What if you get sick of me? I'd have nowhere to go."

"Baby I'd never get sick of you, and if you ever want to leave I would pay for you to come home. I just don't want this to end." He leaned down and kissed you softly. Then he whispered, his lips touching yours, "I can't say goodbye yet."

You sadly smiled at the desperation, the sadness in his voice. You didn't want this to end either.

Instead of replying you pulled him down to you in a searing kiss. He reciprocated almost immediately and the kiss grew more heated. The two of you were tangled together in the most heated makeout session you'd ever had. He pulled away just long enough to rip his shirt off and throw it somewhere in the room. You eventually did the same.

After that everything was a blur of clothes flying and messy kisses. Eventually the both of you were completely naked and feeling each other up, hands roaming across one another's bodies. Finally Jisung slipped inside you and you both let out a breath you weren't aware you were holding.

He stilled inside you once he bottomed out and looked into your eyes.

"You are so beautiful."

You let a single tear fall as he began moving. The two of you panting and moaning as he set a steady speed. Sex had never been like this for you, it was like you breathed as one. You were gripping onto him in any way you could, grabbing his biceps, his waist, his face.

His thrust started to become erratic the longer you went, his hips getting a little sloppy to signal he was close. His hand came down to rub circles on your clit to get you there faster. You cried out in extasy as you felt the band in your lower belly snap. Jisung followed after a few more thrusts and laid his head down on your chest, his dick still settled inside you, slowly softening.

You both looked at each other and smiled. He pecked your nose, then your cheeks, and finally your lips before getting up to get a washrag to clean you both up.

You didn't know how long this would last, but you decided that you wanted to ride out this feeling as long as you could. So after you were both cleaned up and he settled in the bed next to you, you turned to face him.

"I'll come with you Ji, anywhere you are is where I want to be."