#like i feel like im missing something (i mean this genuinely i think i have missed something)
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ok but. i do fear perhaps. there has been a misunderstanding. y'all know that like. a super bowl half-time show cannot, and will never be, revolutionary. right? u understand that? like. the "state" literally gives its approval for that performance. the institutions u r theoretically pushing back against not only said "yeah that's cool" but are actively promoting and advertising that performance. and if u r like. but why would they do that? it's because this kind of content, is what keeps the masses docile. it is what makes you think you are involved in the political process. it benefits those in power for you to think a super bowl half-time show is what revolution looks like. it is so important that u understand this. that this was more propaganda for the powers that be than it was a criticism. which is not, by the way, me going after kendrick, i think he did everything possible to make that performance meaningful. this is not about kendrick lamar. this is about understanding context. an approved, super bowl half-time show, will never do anything the "state" doesn't want it to do. it is important that y'all understand that.
#i am confused by his inversion of Gill Scott-heron tho#the point of that song seems more relevant now than ever#to suggest that the revolution WILL be televised#feels a little sus to me#like no you cannot sit at home and watch the revolution u have to be out in the streets#they aren't going to show the revolution#the state will show the super bowl it won't show the revolution#like i feel like im missing something (i mean this genuinely i think i have missed something)#but that really did not sit well with me#like i don't understand what he was trying to do with that#fuck drake tho#that will never not bring me joy#soph rambles
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can we talk about how emotionally draining it is to be a teenager who's never experienced romantic love? and i dont think people realize that when i say never, i mean never. i've never dated, never had a "talking stage," no one's had a crush on me, no one's ever asked for my number, no one's ever complimented me in that way, no one's ever even looked at me in a way that would remotely imply interest. and honestly it hurts. you see all the people around you experience this and just sit on the sidelines. it's more than just "oh no im single im jealous :(" it genuinely turns into a feeling of what am i doing wrong what did i miss why is everyone experiencing these things that i thought only happened in movies. it's not fair. and i know at the end of the day it's okay, you don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school. i know that. just because i can't find a date to the prom doesn't mean i'm gonna be single forever. but it does mean that i must be doing something wrong to have never experienced anything remotely close to romance. the first time i ever "held hands" with a guy was in 9th grade when we had our swing dancing unit in pe. and the thing is that i've also never had a crush. in the 4th grade i convinced myself i liked someone because my friends kept asking who i had a crush on. i didn't actually like him. in 8th grade i convinced myself i liked someone because my mom kept asking who i had a crush on. i didn't actually like him. any "crushes" i've had i realize now are just aesthetic attraction. so im having my first crush now, in high school, and i don't know what to do. my friends are telling me "oh you should tell him you like him you should ask him out" but the problem is i literally don't know how. i've never experienced this. to me, asking someone out is what you do in a tv show. people don't actually do that... right? it just feels so weird. i can tell him i like him, but how? and when? what words do i use? what if he says he doesn't feel the same? what if i make it awkward? i don't know how to "shoot my shot" because i've never had a chance to shoot one before. i'm going into this blind and it's scary and very confusing after my entire life being nothing. i've convinced myself that no boy or girl at my school would like me in that way, so that's why i don't want to confess. if no one has ever liked me before, why would he be any different? ugh i just feel like never having any romantic experience whatsoever is very isolating and i feel like im falling behind and i don't know what im supposed to do or what i'm doing wrong.
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i have no stake in this whatsoever since i’ve never even watched good omens and absolutely 100% unequivocally think it’s a good thing that an abuser is seeing the consequences of his actions but i don’t really see the point in shortening the 3rd season? rewriting it so he doesn’t get money from it? yes absolutely, but if that’s the reason, why not delay the season and do a full six episode rewrite? or just cancel it altogether instead of an inevitable disappointing finale. he’ll still be receiving royalties from the first two seasons and whatever ideas they use for the episode plus whatever he’s already contracted to receive so making a short season feels like it’ll impact the cast and crew more than him; they won’t be paid for a full season of work that they were expecting to have in an increasingly unstable industry
#i dont know how streaming royalties work for all i know hes contracted to get money per episode or something#when compared to a full seasons worth of story an hour and a half isnt enough time to satisfyingly wrap it up#so saying its for the fans is a bit of an eh thing#especially when they will probably either go off the book or his notes so he will still be paid for his ideas#i dunno#obviously a tv show is the very last priority when it comes to something like this#and i havent heard anything about how netflix is handling it considering sandman (thats him right? i think it is)#but people are entitled to be upset about this dont be mean#people have invested their emotions into these characters and this world theyre allowed to be upset#just acknowledge its not the most important thing and move on#but yeah out of everyone it feels like this decision impacts him the least#unless im completely missing something#but i dont think i am#it feels like this is more amazon covering their ass then a genuine desire to not give money to an abuser#which considering amazon is a multi billion dollar company is exactly what theyre doing#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#good omens#neil gaiman#aziraphale#crowley#ineffable husbands#good omens s3#good omens season 3
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i miss when my art got attention cause it made me feel not worthless and made me feel like it wasn't all a waste of time
#i used to get frequent commissions and i'd get nice tags on my art and nice anons and just#i felt Real i felt acknowledged i felt like i was worth something#it makes me wanna cry. like maybe if i Never got that kind of attention it wouldn't hurt so much?#it's the fact that i had it and it got taken away#and then i feel like a whiney asshole for being sad about it#i just miss when tumblr felt like a Community i miss having all these notifications and feeling like people cared about me#and when i drew i would work so hard because people would acknowledge it#now i just feel like nothing is worth it what is the point of working so hard on something and being excited for it#if no one even wants to tell me i did a good job#like i'm starting to tear up thinking about it i just want to be told im doing a good job#and that my art isn't so fucking ugly#i used to be so afraid of moving fandoms because i knew nobody would stick with me through it#and i literally had people lie and say nono i'll stay with you! it's not about the fandom i like You! and your Art! not the subject!#but they lied and that hurts i guess! it hurts that everyone left!#people used to screenshot when i followed them and post excitedly about it now i can't even get 2 notes on a post#it's just fucked me up okay i just have so many regrets i would have done so many things differently#i'm a being who thrives off attention because without it everything feels meaningless and i had attention and now i dont#and no amount of therapy can change the way my brain is hardwired#obligatory 'this isn't an attempt to guilt trip people into paying attention to me' post it's just a vent#and i doubt most people read my tags anyway so i guess if you do hello hi thank you for caring enough about me to read this#sorry i'm like this and i mean that genuinely
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love how there are pretentious video essays that just repeat the book and meander and ramble about house of leaves. it's what zampanó would have wanted. it is not, however, what I want
#anyway i finished the main portion of the book#all i have left is the poems and a few other small things i think? ive read pelafinas letters#im thinking of getting the full book of her letters#but also they severely messed with my head so we'll see#i will say. i do get why ppl say the book is pretentious and frustrating#there was a lot of stuff where i couldnt tell if it was supposed to be satire or if it was genuinely just that dense and pretentious#and a lot of the codes were rly obtuse imo?#like... idk. some of them were super obvious like the sos stuff or pelafina outright saying what to do#but others like. man how am i supposed to know johnny waxing poetic about pussy was coded#i mean that one is also pointed out though much later but i know i missed a lot just like it that werent pointed out#and ive heard theres a lot of shit where the message you get is just danielewski????? which gonna be real. kinda dumb.#but i did also really enjoy the book#there was a lot of stuff in it that was just so compelling or poignant or whatever other word#the minotaur stuff is good (ofc id say that though i love me some minotaur themes)#also a lot of the scenes with johnny just...... christ#idk how ppl say to skip them hes so fascinating#yeah i could do with him talking about his possibly hallucinated sex life a bit less but also his story is just plain interesting#i still think about the part where the girl he was talking to runs over a dog they had picked up........ it was fucking chilling#and his hallucinations of dying are so descriptive in just the right way to get under my skin#the uncertainty with him and his family..... did pelafina try to kill him? did his father just send her away for being a bit too overbearin#over an accident? was there something else? what was the deal with his foster family? with lude? gdansk man and kyrie?#how did it get published? who are the editors? why did the band know of the book before it should have been published?#why does his journal section end with a story from a man he admits to making up completely? the doctor from seattle doesnt exist#the chronological end is more hopeful with him saying things will be okay but then he puts a previous entry after that?#i think the burning of the book parallels the story nicely#johnny said his piece; he nurtured the book as much as he could; but it was hurting him and he had to give up on it#idk!#this book does make me feel a lil dumb ngl
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Me pondering: kids are capable of going through and understanding complex problems and their feelings should be taken seriously when it counts.
Me practically: who are all these annoying fucking kids in the milgram fandom and why are they posting the worst takes and most irrelevant bullshit I've ever seen ever???
I think these are valid to coexist.
#haterposting sorry lile kids like amane?#w ACTUAL maturity and intelligence? yes hear them out!!#some 13-year-old posting drivel about “ships” when it's completely irrelevant#or missing the point of very complex plot points bc they are Literally Not The Age Demographic and Actually Dont Understand It?#im SO SORRY i am not gonna b mean to anyone but I WILL HATE THEM FROM AFAR#GO BACK TO BNHA OR DANGANRONPA U ARE ACTUALLY MAKING THE SPACES LOWER QUALITY BY BEING HERE#like obviously it does not matter at all lmao kids will do whatever#i was watching bojack horseman at 13 thinking i was So Smart i don't get to talk#but to be fair i NEVER missed the point as bad as some milgram kiddies in the YouTube side of the fandom#like no “wrong” way to enjoy things but imo they legitimately need to enjoy something else#but literally if your only takeaway from this project is “omg ship cute characters silly”#but you still insist on joining discussion spaces? god please leave#I DON'T HATE MINORS I DON'T DISCRIMINATE i just think the minors who legitimately have nothing to add should shut the fuck up#sorry livechat got me wildin lmaooooo idc that much but like it's a weird contrast#cuz my general genuine feelings for most situations is “yeah listen to kids' perspectives wholeheartedly”#but like ONLINE kids who post about nonsense that has nothing to do with what others are trying to discuss? godddd they legit need to leave#nothing against shipping either long as ur not Gross#(coughbitchesshippingwholeadultawunderagecharacterscough)#but if that's ALL YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT there are way better fandoms for that leave the milgram creators aloooone lmao#minors who actually Think about shit this does not apply to you obviously lol#if ur smart ur smart if you contribute u contribute#but like try to let urself be a kid sometimes too lol
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Im so sorry i played Our Life: beginnings and always and not only has it sucker punched me with bittersweet feelings of life and change and relationships but its also thrown me into brain rot hell of it. Im sorry if ocean boy cove floods your feed get it? Its a pun
#t-n talks#personal#our life: beginnings & always#olba#i love him so much i love them all so much i need to replay with all the dlcs and get shiloh to come to our wedding#because i named a fosh after him in like step 2 or 3 and i missed him and i dont care if he lied to us im sorry shiloh#come baaack#but also baxter what happened baxter we missed you so much youre important to us youre important to meeeeeee#everyones my friend now how do i have jeremy at my wedding but not shiloh? jeremy you should have made shiloh suffer tooooo#im so glad i got jeremy though god i felt for him so bad like genuinely what was wrong while he was mean to us#i just wanted to be nice and friends but also dont be mean to cove and im so glad hes mellowed out a bit hes really a good kid sometimes#i love them all so much dereeeekkkkk hes such a good friend god hes SUCH A GOOD FRIEND im screaming#and baxter baxter baxter baxter sometimes i dont think hes in love with us but in love with our relationship but also like#i wouldnt mind us three being closer because youre fucking important to me baxter just like jeremy#youre all part of this found family gay as shit now if i can be adopted then that means i can adopt you too!!!#god but seriously? like i expected to cry because of relationship love drama at first not because i was having#complicated feelings about being adopted and my relatiinship with my sister god ive never had an older sister really#and my siblings and i arent super close but im adopted and i dont think ive ever wanted something more than this family#this game man i just god my fiance was like “i dont think this game was meant to be so deep/intense” but like its a visual novel#novels are meant to invoke feelings and thoughts and discussion and reflection at least thats what i believe every story has a purpose#its up to us to figure out what its purpose is maybe not in general but to us what can we take away from it and god#it makes me want to hold onto my friendships tightly and reach out to everyone i knew/know#i have too many tags on here because of brain rot but i love this game and im so excited for the next one and i would love to download#like my log of the entire game so that i can recap everything at like my leisure#just cause im not gonna remember all my choices and stuff
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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uggh I'm gonna cry
#i lowkey miss when i had no friends 😭#i got invited to my friends birthday party and i really really didnt want to go#cause theres like 10 other people going and i vaguely know 2 of them#and theyre all kinda mean#like in the way your friends are mean where its clearly a joke#but im not friends with any of them-#qnd like in any other circumstance it would be fine#but its a POOL party#and there was no chace i was putting on a bathing suit and swimming#but i also was not ready to deal with being the weirdo who doesnt swim at a pool party#like i was really dreading this party#so i made some lame excuse#which is technically true#my brother DID break q bone today and my parents ARE being dramatic and i AM gonna have to wait on him#but thats not q good reason not to go#i was just really freaking out about this party#and its prob not a big deal and she definitely doesn't care as much as i think#but i feel so bad for being flaky#plus i already feel like a couple people there dont like me#so if my friend mentions why i didnt go theyre gonna think its a dumb excuse#i should have made something up but i had already said yes cause i couldnt think of anything#and then my parents wrre at the hospital for a really long time so i didnt know what exactly was happening#and i did genuinely think when i texted her that it was more serious and there would be no chance they could take me#qlso they both have stuff to do tomorrow (party day)#and i am actually gonna end up being the one helping him get water and stuff#but it just feels like such a lame excuse#idk#its just when im with these people (the ones going that im not friends with)#i constantly feel like i hace something to prove or theyll think im weird#and its so stressful
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Trass.
hi :)
#am I allowed to ask if u want to overwatch duo#sorry im so sorry I genuinely tbh dont expect u to rly answer this BUT I kinda lowkey asked u on discord like a week ago#if it was ok if I like… idk talked to u and wanted ur time like a lil baby#and I see ur on ovw rn#AND IM NOT GONNA ASK bc I don’t…. feel like I have the right to but……….. good luck out there ok and we’ll#if u wanna duo cough cough im here… aha… taah…. sweats and laughs and throws myself off a cliff#anyways. ANYWAYS. sorry sorry. sorry. ok im. im sorry.#hi#I don’t rly know what to say to u but I just#I want… anything.. idk…….. hi#I really really think im so crazy you know#i just#idk anyways alien was sick it was a fun experience w sam btw and im still drunk tee hee. if u couldnt tell#i rly do like those xenomorph critters idk why but I’ve always thought they’re so cool……..#i mean…. acid blood…. they’re so big… BIG TEEF……… very cool……#hhhh…..hhhhi……… <- not sad not desperate aaahahhaahaaaaaahhahhhhaaaahhahahahhahahahahaha#throws myself off a cliff regardless#beeba my beloved#answered#deedis#ew wait I was asking to duo in a tumblr ask here LOL ok sorry I don’t expect u to answer that tbh I rly don’t#I justttttt#idk#idk I just miss u so kuch I hope that’s okay and im sorry#ugh ur prly not even gonna see this I feel so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid#I mean u prly will but maybe tomo or in quite a few hours or something or#idk I guess that’s okay#idk. idk#anyways… hi I guess
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sobbing
#its kinda dumb#but im so angry and heartbroken that katie got rid of all our LPS's#i always have been ig#she did it with a lot of shit that our smaller parts miss really bad#we used to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety that she had gotten rid of something else we loved and then we'd go check#god i hate her#what the actual fuck#i also used to dread when winter would be over because i knew there would be a mandatory day i had to go through everything#and i wasnt allowed to Not#she's so fucking mean#just. that's a fucking child man#let them have their fucking things#im also angry because i can't replace these things to try and make us feel better or whatever#that's stuff that's just gone and not being produced anymore#im so sad#genuinely someone just was like. I want to die so theres some intense feelings in the brainspace rn#fascinating what stuff really hurts#i'm glad it's not everything anymore#but you'd assume the big stuff would still cause the most distress#granted there is some big stuff that is still heavily dissociated from anyone who fronts#most alters are internal only tbh#or emergency only#i've made a lot of progress but i think ive just realized that there's still a lot to go#and it's probably a lot of stuff that im embarrassed to call trauma#it's easier to call rape trauma than psychological/emotional abuse#even the more covert sex abuse is easier for me to accept
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logging back in just bc this is my only private diary
#random rant#tw for everything#god I think there is something deeply wrong with me worse than ever now I’m questioning my own self and worth and sometimes morals#I’m on a break from the guy I’m seeing#and I told a mutual friend about it#he’s the one who asked for the break even tho I don’t so that shit#deep down I kind of wanted it so why am I so wrecked over it#I hate airing my dirty laundry out to people uninvolved in said relationship#hate talking about trouble in paradise kind of shit but I told her the bad things he does to me#and I felt so guilty bc I got this weird intrusive thought#that as if im planning this sabotage tactic ? when I’m not all this isn’t my intention whatsoever#I just said the truth. and the thought was like ‘ok at least now I have established with a third party a reason if I need to abandon him in#the future’ what the fuck?? I’m not like this. I’m not apathetic I’m not using him why did I get that thought#he’s said some of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard fo me#ends up regretting it and says he didn’t mean it.#in reality I feel like I’m just trying to protect myself#I felt so pathetic having her listen to me tear up while talking#god put us on this earth to punish each other I’m having my Normal People arc#is this a form of self harm why do I do this to myself and to him too#I love him? I’m even thinking about relapsing into using and drinking but it’s not stemming from a coping need I just miss feeling carefree#and numb and momentarily happy almost#I only told him a few issues I have but not the bigger ones and I’m already feeling like as if he uses them against me in arguments#I want to get back into therapy but I can’t I have no access or resources this sucks ass#thinking of asking my pharmacist if I can get my antidepressants otc but I went off them bc the side effects were unbearable and I just#genuinely felt better for once as if I progressed but this is undoing so much of my hard hard work#and what’s funny he doesn’t even realise or see any of these things affecting me so horribly#I feel so insane I feel like a socio I want to be normal I want to be healthy I want to be happy and actually have it last#can’t sleep
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Not me looking up to see if the colleges I'm interested have school dances similar to prom or homecoming because I'm trying to fix a part of myself I'm deeply afraid won't heal lolololololol
#personal#txt#even if they do that doesn't mean ill get asked out and that perhaps could b worse#maybe its just something i have to live with#i feel like im missing out on life so much#im at that age where even if i do meet someone i would have missed out on their college events or special moments and it eats me up inside#it genuinely breaks my heart so badly and i fucking hate how romance is the one thing that breaks me so easily#i can look at how traumatized i was growing up and work through it or easily block out my emotions#but the second i think something negative about love i cant eat i cant sleep i cant shower i cant focus its so stupid its so fucking stupid#long tags#college#depression
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just so you know I’m not beyond deleting my entire blog if the response isn’t favourable
#Silly ? PERHAPS#STUPID ? OBVIOUSLY#but as dahlia enlightened me in 2022- early 2023 my mood depends on others esp the ones I’m platonically in love with so !!!!!#Of course I’d delete my whole blog if she responds weirdly#Cause I genuinely feel like I’ve lost my ability to comprehend situations I feel dumb I need someone to read what ever I send to her THIS I#HORRID !!! SAVE ME 😭#Anyways H O T T O GO !!!! YOU CAN TAKE IT HOT TO GO !!!#GUYS AM I COOKED I TOLD HER I THOUGHT SHE WAS MAD AT ME AND I SAIF I MISSED HER THIS IS NOT NOOR BEHAVIOUR#AAAAAAAH#Pls this is atrocious I hate having split thinking I LOVE HER BUT IN THE I HATE YOU WAY AND IM BEING SRS NOT THE JOKING ALHAITJAM WAY NAURR#ITS PAINFUL 🧎♀️#Pls girl if I wake up and I don’t have a response I might just at home K O My self (jokes(maybe))#I’m literally revisiting the kaveh train wreck situation FOR HER AND PRETENDINF I LIKE HIM CAUSE SHE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THIS IS#HORRID (x2) SEE WHAT I MEAN WHRN I SAY MY MOOD CHANGES FOR HER ??? I think everyone has to drag me away from every 23 yr old they’re bad fo#My health#;-;
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